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Magic Mike's Joke Page #9
Jokes from the mailbox, Magic Mailouts, NASA space photo links and
other great wallpaper photos,
and Firesign Phil's Planet Proctor Orbits
This is a VERY long text page of archived
jokes.
If you want to see them ALL, don't click away until the page finishes loading.
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Back to Joke Archive
Entry Magic Mike's Joke Page
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These jokes are to laugh at ourselves, so please
do not take offense.
"Since all phenomena, is a product of one's
own mind, empty of meaning, like a magician's illusion,
having nothing to do with good or bad, acceptance or rejection, one might
burst out in laughter."
- Longchenpa, 13th century Tibetan monk.
Date: Tue, 15 Dec 1998 10:18:36 -0800
From: Magic Mike B <"mike "
Organization: http://funandmagic.com/To: "MagicMailout bcc's" <"MagicMailout bcc's"
Hi,
You may have had some difficulties with the web today.
I heard a backbone may be down. So, you can stop screaming at your computer
and banging it on the side. Well today's photo is as good as the rest.
The Temple of The Moon, in Utah's Capital Reef Park. Fly there via http://funandmagic.com/photolinks2.htm
Below is something strange, submitted by someone strange. RobinCam is one
of the people on this list.
Have a magic day and pass it on!
Magic Mike
http://funandmagic.com/
(Go see a magic trick!)
Subject: the perfect gift (by robincam)
Date: Fri, 11 Dec 1998 23:08:00 -0800 (PST)
From: robincam
To: mmb
What are all the plants for?
Aren't they decorative? Plants play a crucial role in the New World People Habitat Eco System.
Is it safe for children?
You have children?
One. A boy.
This is perfect for you. Not only is this safe for children, our People Habitat is highly instructional. You'll have hours of fun together, watching people grow. They get fruitful, and multiply.
They multiply?
They multiply like crazy.
Do they divide?
Mostly they multiply. But I can probably get my company to throw in a few that divide.
Do I need batteries?
No. Actually, it all recharges automatically. Most of the recharge is done at night, but we've staggered a few things here and there so that no matter what time of day or night you'll have constant entertainment.
Will I have to get a bigger cage?
We call it a Habitat. Just cut back on their food.
What do they eat?
They eat each other, mostly.
Ugh.
No, it's part of the system. It's natural. Mostly it is the old or infirm, who make room for the new.
Infirm? You mean they get mushy?
Well, nothing lasts forever. They wear out, you know. But with our system, when one wears out, up pops a replacement. The system is never down.
So I don't have to feed them?
This is a complete system. It maintains itself with very little attention on your part. You can leave it unattended practically forever if you need to go on vacation, for instance.
Wow.
Well, that's part of the design. Who has time these days to take care of pets? On the other hand, pets can be very important towards maintaining your wellbeing.
I've seen the articles. Is that the manual?
We call it The Good Book. And here's our Hot Line number.
Alright. You've sold me. Can you gift wrap it? It's for my Son.
Happy Holidays, Mike!Robin
-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=
-=-=-=-=-=-=-=
-=-
Man's wife asks him to go to the store to buy some cigarettes. So he walks
down to the store only to find it closed. So he goes into a nearby bar
to use the vending machine. At the bar he sees a beautiful woman and starts
talking to her. They have a couple of beers and one thing leads to another
and they end up in her apartment. After they've had their fun, he realizes
its 3AM and says, "Oh no, its so late, my wife's going to kill me.
Have you got any talcum powder?" She gives him some talcum powder,
which he proceeds to rub on his hands and then he goes home.
His wife is waiting for him in the doorway and she is pretty pissed. "Where the hell have you been?!?!"
"Well, honey, its like this. I went to the store like you asked, but they were closed. So I went to the bar to use the vending machine. I saw this great looking chick there and we had a few drinks and one thing led to another and I ended up in bed with her."
"Oh yeah? Let me see your hands!"
She sees his hands are covered with powder and... "You God damn liar!!! You went bowling again!!! -=--=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=
-=-=-=-=-=-=-=
--- Repainting -----
It was a hot and humid July afternoon, when I decided to visit my girl
friend, Susie. Susie may be blonde and beautiful, but sometimes she is,
shall we say, lacking in other areas.
Well Susie had decided her kitchen needed repainting, and instead of hiring a professional, decided to do it herself. I thought she might appreciate
a break and brought over some cold beer and some sandwiches.
When I arrived, I found Susie working hard painting the kitchen walls. But instead of wearing old clothes, she was wearing her fur coat and her ski
parka. I asked her why she was dressed that way on such a hot day. She brought me the paint bucket and told me to read the instructions. I did.
It said, ... "For best results, put on two coats."-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=
-=-=-=-=-=-=-=
-=-=-=--=-
Subject: Kodachroma Basin, Boomer test
Date: Mon, 14 Dec 1998 08:59:23 -0800
From: mmb <mmb
To: "MagicMailout bcc's" <"MagicMailout bcc's" Life's a fish and then you fry
=
-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=
-=-=-=-=-=-=
Hi,Today is the most spectacular photo from the Martres's web site of Kodachrome Basin. http://funandmagic.com/photolinks2.htm I was watching people in the rain the other day. Why do people scrunch all up to walk from a store to their car in the rain? You CAN NOT get small enough to walk between those rain drops. OH RAIN, I'm meltinggggg! Those of you do shopping, it's my birthday Thursday the 17th. I will be 51 years young. As an official member of the baby boomers, I have included a test for you to see if you qualify as a bona fide boomer.
Have a magic day and pass it on!
Magic Mike
http://funandmagic.com/ (Go see a magic trick)
=
-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=
-=-=-=-=
Here are a few things you can try to keep the holiday stress level at
bay...
-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=
-=-=-=-=-=-=-=
-=-=-=-=-=-=
Subject: men are like...
Men are like.....Placemats. They only show up when there's food on the table. Men are like.....Mascara. They usually run at the first sign of emotion. Men are like.....Bike helmets. Handy in an emergency, but otherwise they just look silly. Men are like.....Copiers. You need them for reproduction, but that's about it. Men are like.....Lava lamps. Fun to look at, but not all that bright. Men are like.....Bank accounts. Without a lot of money, they don't generate much interest. Men are like.....High heels. They're easy to walk on once you get the hang of it. Men are like.....Curling irons. They're always hot, and they're always in your hair
=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=
-=-=
TOP TEN TV SHOWS IN IRAQ
1. Husseinfeld
2. Mad About Everything
3. Allah McBeal
4. Wheel of Fortune and Terror
5. Achmed's Creek
6. The Price is Right if Saddam Says it's Right
7. Children Are Forbidden From Saying Anything Darndest
8. The Brian Benben Bin Laden Show
9. Buffy the Slayer of American Imperialist Dogs
10. Suddenly Sanctions=
-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=
-=-=
Catholic Dictionary:
AMEN: The only part of a prayer that everyone knows.
BULLETIN: 1. Parish information, read only during the homily. 2. Catholic air conditioning. 3. Your receipt for attending Mass.
CHOIR: A group of people whose singing allows the rest of the congregation to lip-sync.
HOLY WATER: A liquid whose chemical formula is H2OLY.
HYMN: A song of praise, usually sung in a key three octaves higher than that of the congregation's range.
RECESSIONAL HYMN: The last song at Mass, often sung a little more quietly, since most of the people have already left.
INCENSE: Holy Smoke.
JESUITS: An order of priests known for their ability to found colleges with good basketball teams.
JONAH: The original "Jaws" story.
JUSTICE: When kids have kids of their own.
KYRIE ELEISON: The only Greek words that most Catholics can recognize besides gyros and baklava.
MAGI: The most famous trio to attend a baby shower.
MANGER: 1. Where Mary gave birth to Jesus because Joseph wasn't covered by an HMO. 2. The Bible's way of showing us that holiday travel has always been rough.
PEW: A medieval torture device still found in Catholic Churches.
PROCESSION: The ceremonial formation at the beginning of Mass, consisting of altar servers, the celebrant, and late parishioners looking for seats.
RECESSIONAL: The ceremonial procession at the conclusion of Mass - led by parishioners trying to beat the crowd to the parking lot.
RELICS: people who have been going to Mass for so long, they actually know when to sit, kneel, and stand.
TEN COMMANDMENTS: The most important Top Ten list not given by David Letterman.
USHERS: The only people in the parish who don't know the seating capacity of a pew.
=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=
-=
DIARY OF A SNOW SHOVELER
December 8: 6:00 PM. It started to snow. The first snow of the season and the wife and I took our cocktails and sat for hours by the window watching the huge soft flakes drift down from heaven. It looked like a Grandma Moses Print.
So romantic we felt like newlyweds again. I love snow!
December 9: We woke to a beautiful blanket of crystal white snow covering every inch of the landscape. What a fantastic sight! Can there be a more lovely place in the Whole World? Moving here was the best idea I've ever had.
Shoveled for the first time in years and felt like a boy again. I did both our driveway and the sidewalks. This afternoon the snowplow came along and covered up the sidewalks and closed in the driveway, so I got to shovel again.
What a perfect life.
December 12: The sun has melted all our lovely snow. Such a disappointment. My neighbor tells me not to worry, we'll definitely have a white Christmas. No snow on Christmas would be awful! Bob says we'll have so much snow by the end of winter, that I'll never want to see snow again.
I don't think that's possible. Bob is such a nice man. I'm glad he's our neighbor.
December 14: Snow, lovely snow! 8" last night. The temperature dropped to -20. The cold makes everything sparkle so. The wind took my breath away, but I warmed up by shoveling the driveway and sidewalks. This is the life! The snowplow came back this afternoon and buried everything again. I didn't realize I would have to do quite this much shoveling, but I'll certainly get back in shape this way. I wish I wouldn't huff and puff so.
December 15: 20 inches forecast. Sold my van and bought a 4x4 Blazer. Bought snow tires for the wife's car and 2 extra shovels. Stocked the freezer.
The wife wants a wood stove in case the electricity goes out. I think that's silly. We aren't in Alaska, after all.
December 16: Ice storm this morning. Fell on my ass on the ice in the driveway putting down salt. Hurt like hell. The wife laughed for an hour, which I think was very cruel.
December 17: Still way below freezing. Roads are too icy to go anywhere. Electricity was off for 5 hours. I had to pile the blankets on to stay warm. Nothing to do but stare at the wife and try not to irritate her. Guess I should've bought a wood stove, but won't admit it to her. God I hate it when she's right. I can't believe I'm freezing to death in my own living room.
December 20: Electricity's back on, but had another 14" of the damn stuff last night. More shoveling. Took all day. Goddamn snowplow came by twice. Tried to find a neighbor kid to shovel, but they said they're too busy playing hockey. I think they're lying. Called the only hardware store around to see about buying a snow blower and they're out. Might have another shipment in March. I think they're lying. Bob says I have to shovel or the city will have it done and bill me. I think he's lying.
December 22: Bob was right about a white Christmas because 13 more inches of the white shit fell today, and it's so cold it probably won't melt till August. Took me 45 minutes to get all dressed up to go out to shovel and then I had to piss. By the time I got undressed, pissed and dressed again. I was too tired to shovel. Tried to hire Bob who has a plow on his truck for the rest of the winter; but he says he's too busy. I think the asshole is lying.
December 23: Only 2" of snow today. And it warmed up to 0. The wife wanted me to decorate the front of the house this morning. What is she...nuts??? Why didn't she tell me to do that a month ago? She says she did but I think she's lying.
December 24: 6". Snow packed so hard by snowplow, l broke the shovel. Thought I was having a heart attack. If I ever catch the son of a bitch who drives that snowplow, Ill drag him through the snow by his balls. I know he hides around the corner and waits for me to finish shoveling and then he comes down the street at a 100 miles an hour and throws snow allover where I've just been! Tonight the wife wanted me to sing Christmas carols with her and open our presents, but I was busy watching for the goddamn snowplow.
December 25: Merry Christmas. 20 more inches of the goddamned slop tonight. Snowed in. The idea of shoveling makes my blood boil. God I hate the snow! Then the snowplow driver came by asking for a donation and I hit him over the head with my shovel. The wife says I have a bad attitude. I think she's an idiot. If I have to watch "It's a Wonderful Life" one more time, I'm going to kill her.
December 26: Still snowed in. Why the hell did I ever move here? It was all HER idea. She's really getting on my nerves.
December 27: Temperature dropped to -30 and the pipes froze.
December 28: Warmed up to above -50. Still snowed in. THE BITCH is driving me crazy!!!
December 29: 10 more inches. Bob says I have to shovel the roof or it could cave in. That's the silliest thing I ever heard. How dumb does he think I am?
December 30: Roof caved in. The snow plow driver is suing me for a million dollars for the bump on his head. The wife went home to her mother. 9" predicted.
December 31: Set fire to what's left of the house. No more shoveling.
January 8: I feel so good. I just love those little white pills they keep giving me. Why am I tied to the bed? --=--=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=
-=-=-=-=-=-=-=
-=-=WHY WRITING A DISSERTATION IS HARDER THAN HAVING A BABY
1. Three months before your due date, your doctor doesn't say, "I
want you to go back and re-do the first trimester's work." 2. Unlike
advisors, you can switch doctors without starting over. 3. Conceiving a
baby is WAY more fun than conceiving a topic. 4. You know exactly how long
pregnancy takes. 5. Friends and relatives don't question the worth of a
baby. 6. You don't need to explain repeatedly to friends and family what
it takes to make a baby and why you're not through yet. 7. No one will
make you get an advanced degree before having a baby. 8. Everyone will
say your baby is cute and you'll believe them. 9. babies don't require
proper footnoting or adherence to a style manual. 10. You can freely borrow
other people's stuff if you're having a baby; if you're writing a dissertation,
that's called plagiarism. 11. No one will complain that your baby is too
similar to another one. 12. No matter how much trouble, some people will
gladly have more than one baby.
=
-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=
OFFICIAL BABY BOOMER QUALIFYING EXAM
QUESTION #1:
Name the Beatles - both the first and last name of each, of course. Consider this a warm-up. (If you can't answer this one without thinking,
close up the test, and move on to something else. We have nothing further to discuss.)
QUESTION #2:
Finish the line: "Lions and tigers and bears, ____ _____!" Admittedly, this came along before we boomers were born. But we remember it from both the movies and the boob tube.
QUESTION #3:
"Hey kids, what time is it?" ______ _________ ________ ________.
QUESTION #4:
What do M&M's do? _____ ___ ______ ________ , _____ ___ _____ ______.
QUESTION #5:
What helps build strong bodies 12 ways? _________ _________.
QUESTION #6:
Long before he was Mohammed Ali, before he was The Greatest, we knew him was _________ _________.
QUESTION #7:
"You'll wonder where the yellow went,
_______________________________________
___."
QUESTION #8:
Those post-baby boomers, or baby boomer wannabees, know Bob Denver as the Skipper's "little buddy." But we true boomers know that Bob Denver is actually Dobie's closest friend, _____________ G. _____________.
QUESTION #9:
"M-I-C: See ya' real soon; K-E-Y: ______?__________ ____ _______ ______."
QUESTION #10:
Definition: A "streaker" is someone who might go running through the lobby of the girls' dormitory ___________________.
QUESTION #11: "Brylcream: ___ ________ _______ _______ ______ _______."
QUESTION #12:
Bob Dylan advised us never to trust anyone ________ _____.
QUESTION #13:
From the early days of our music, real rock 'n roll, finish this line: "I wonder, wonder, wonder...wonder who; _______ _______ ______ ______ ____ ________."
QUESTION #14:
And while we're remembering rock n' roll, try this one: "War...uh-huh, huh...yea; what is it good for? ___________ ____________."
QUESTION #15:
This is from a kinder and gentler protest song, but the question is just as profound: Where have all the flowers gone? Perhaps you could use a little help here: "Where have all the flowers gone, long time passing? Where have all the flowers gone, long time ago? Where have all the flowers gone? ____ ______ _____ _______ _____ ______ ____."
QUESTION #16:
Meanwhile, back home in Metropolis, Superman fights a never-ending battle for truth, justice, and ______ _______________ __________.
QUESTION #17:
He came out of the University of Alabama, and became one of the best quarterbacks in the history of the NFL, and later went on to appear in a
television commercial wearing women's stockings. He is Broadway _______ _____________.
QUESTION #18:
"I'm Popeye the sailor man; I'm Popeye the sailor man. I'm strong to the finish, ______ __ _____ ___ _______ . I'm Popeye the sailor man."
QUESTION #19:
Your children probably recall that Peter Pan was recently played by Robin Williams, but we will always remember when Peter was played by ___________ _____________.
QUESTION #20:
In the movie, The Graduate, young Benjamin, played by Dustin Hoffman, was counseled about his future, and told to consider one thing:_______________.
QUESTION #21:
In another movie from the late sixties, Paul Newman played Luke, a ne'er
do well who was sent to a prison camp for cutting off
the heads of parking meters with a pipe cutter. When he was captured after
an unsuccessful attempt to escape, the camp commander (played by Strother
Martin) used this experience as a lesson for the other prisoners, and explained,
"What we have here,
_______________________________________
_."
QUESTION #22:
In 1962, a dejected politician chastised the press after losing a race for governor while announcing his retirement from politics. "Just think,
you won't have ________ ____________ to kick around any more."
QUESTION #23:
"Every morning, at the mine, you could see him arrive; He stood six foot, six, weighted 245. Kinda' broad at the shoulder, and narrow at the
hip. And everybody knew you didn't give no lip, _____ ______ ________."
QUESTION #24:
"I found my thrill, _____ ____________ __________________." You may remember Richie Cunningham singing this. But if you are a true boomer you know it was Fats Domino who made this line famous.
QUESTION #25:
"Good night, Mrs. Calabash, ___________ ____ ____ ." This originated long before even the first of us boomers was born. But in order to be a true baby boomer, you have to have some breadth.
QUESTION #26:
"Good night, David," "_________ __________ , __________."
QUESTION #27:
"Liar, liar, ______ ___ _____ ."
QUESTION #28:
"When it's least expected, you're elected; You're the star today. Smile! _______ ___ _______ _______ ."
QUESTION #29:
From our parents' day, as I recall, it was Pogo, the comic strip character, who said, "We have met the enemy, and ___ ___ ___ ."
QUESTION #30:
Who put the bop in the bop she-bop she bop___________________________
ANSWERS: Forget it. If you don't know the answers, the good news is that you are
younger than you think.=
-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=
-=-
Subject: Peek-a-boo Slot Canyon
Date: Sun, 13 Dec 1998 09:27:44 -0800
From: mmb <mmb
To: "MagicMailout bcc's" <"MagicMailout bcc's" Hi,
Today is another of nature's abstract art works, at Peek-a-boo Slot Canyon. Put your quarter in the slot at http://funandmagic.com/photolinks2.htmHave a magic day and pass it on.
Magic Mike
http://funandmagic.com/ (go see a magic trick)
This has to be one of the greatest instantaneous comeback lines I've ever heard:
Police arrested Malcolm Davidson, a 27 year old white male, resident of Wilmington, NC, in a pumpkin patch at 11:38pm Friday. Davidson will be charged with lewd and lascivious behavior, public indecency, and public intoxication at the County courthouse on Monday. The suspect allegedly stated that as he was passing a pumpkin patch, he decided to stop. "You know, a pumpkin is soft and squishy inside, and there was no one around here for miles. At least I thought there wasn't." he stated in a phone interview from the County courthouse jail. Davidson went on to state that he pulled over to the side of the road, picked out pumpkin that he felt was appropriate to his purposes, cut a hole in it, and proceeded to satisfy his alleged "need". "I guess I was just really into it, you know?" he commented with evident embarrassment. In the process, Davidson apparently failed to notice the Wilmington Municipal police car approaching and was unaware of his audience until officer Brenda Taylor approached him. "It was an unusual situation, that's for sure." said officer Taylor. "I walked up to (Davidson) and he's...just working away at this pumpkin." Taylor went on to describe what happened when she approached Davidson. "I just went up and said, 'Excuse me sir, but do you realize that you are doing it with a pumpkin?' He got real surprised as you'd expect and then looked me straight in the face and said, "A pumpkin? Damn... is it midnight already?"
-=-=-=-=-=-=-==-=--==-=-=-=-=-=-=-=---=-=-=--=
CHILDREN'S BOOKS YOU'LL NEVER SEE
*-*-*-*
"You Were an Accident"
"Strangers Have the Best Candy"
"The Little Sissy Who Snitched"
"Some Kittens Can Fly!"
"Getting More Chocolate on Your Face"
"Where Would You Like to Be Buried?"
"Kathy Was So Bad Her Mom Stopped Loving Her"
"The Attention Deficit Disorder Association's Book
of
Wild Animals of North Amer- Hey! Let's Go Ride Our Bikes!"
"All Dogs Go to Hell"
"The Kids' Guide to Hitchhiking"
"When Mommy and Daddy Don't Know the Answer, They Say God Did It"
"Garfield Gets Feline Leukemia"
"What Is That Dog Doing to That Other Dog?"
"Why Can't Mr. Fork and Ms. Electrical Outlet Be Friends?"
"Bi-Curious George"
"Daddy Drinks Because You Cry"
"Mister Policeman Eats His Service Revolver"
"You Are Different and That's Bad"
"Dad's New Wife Timothy"
"Pop! Goes The Hamster....And Other Great Microwave Games"
"Testing Homemade Parachutes Using Only Your Household Pets"
"The Hardy Boys, the Barbie Twins, and the Vice Squad"
"Babar Meets the Taxidermist"
"Curious George and the High-Voltage Fence"
"The Boy Who Died from Eating All His Vegetables"
"Start a Real-Estate Empire With the Change From Your Mom's Purse"
"The Pop-up Book of Human Anatomy"
"Things Rich Kids Have, But You Never Will"
"The Care Bears Maul Some Campers and are Shot Dead"
"How to Become The Dominant Military Power In Your Elementary School"
"Controlling the Playground: Respect through Fear"-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=
-=-=-=-=-=-=-=
---=--=-=
Children's Letters to God
------------------
Dear GOD,
I want to be just like my Daddy when I get big, but not
with so much hair all over. -Sam
--------
Dear GOD,
Subject: Little Wild Horse Canyon
Date: Sat, 12 Dec 1998 11:44:15 -0800
From: mmb <mmb
To: "MagicMailout bcc's" <"MagicMailout bcc's"
Hi,
Today see details of an eroded slot canyon wall at Little Wild Horse Canyon.
Ride it at http://funandmagic.com/photolinks2.htm
I was happy to receive as clients last week The Seattle Times contractor,
The Houston Chronicle and the Centre Daily Times at my alma mater, Penn
State. They bought my sales training video tapes for subscription sales
contractors. The Chicago Tribune, The Denver Post contractor, The Tacoma
News Tribune, The Eugene Register Guard, and The Seattle PI contractor
bought previously. Only 1500 more papers to go!
Have a magic day and pass it on!
Magic Mike
http://funandmagic.com/l
Comprehending Engineers
*****
There was an engineer who had an exceptional gift for fixing all things
mechanical. After serving his company loyally for over 30 years, he happily
retired. Several years later the company contacted him regarding a seemingly
impossible problem they were having with one of their multi-million dollar
machines. They had tried everything and everyone else to get the machine
fixed, but to no avail. In desperation, they called on the retired engineer
who had solved so many of their problems in the past. The engineer reluctantly
took the challenge. He spent a day studying the huge machine. At the end
of the day, he marked a small "x" in chalk on a particular component
of the machine and proudly stated, "This is where your problem is".
The part was replaced and the machine worked perfectly again. The company received a bill for $50,000 from the engineer for his service.
They demanded an itemized accounting of his charges. The engineer responded briefly:
One chalk mark $1
Knowing where to put it $49,999
It was paid in full and the engineer retired again in peace.=
-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=
-=-=-=-=-=-=
1.) What do you call an eternity? Four Blondes in four cars at a four way
stop.
2.) Why do Blondes have TGIF written on their shoes? Toes Go In First.
3.) Three Blondes were driving to Disneyland. After being in the car for four hours they finally saw a sign that said "Disneyland Left" so they turned around and went home.
4.) What do SMART Blondes and UFO's have in common? You always hear about them but never see them.
5.) What did the Blonde say when she opened the box of Cheerios? Oh look, Daddy...Doughnut seeds.
6.) Why did the Blonde stare at the can of frozen orange juice? Because it said concentrate.
=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=
-=-=-=-=-=
ON THE THIRD TEE.....
Over a round of golf, two doctors were talking shop. "I operated on Mr. Lee the other day," said the surgeon.
"What for?" asked his colleague. "About $6,000."
"What did he have?" "About $6,000."=========================
=
Psychiatrist to patient: "We've made great strides in your case Mr. Blumberg. Originally it was thought that phobias such as this were a result of a chemical imbalance in the brain. Now we've progressed to the point where we don't know what causes it."
=========================
=
When the new patient was settled comfortably on the couch, the psychiatrist began his therapy session. "I'm not aware of your problem," the doctor said. "So perhaps, you should start at the very beginning." "Of course," replied the patient. "In the beginning, I created the Heavens and the Earth..."
Subject: Thank Yourself It's Friday - you made
Date: Fri, 11 Dec 1998 09:03:16 -0800
From: mmb <mmb
To: "MagicMailout bcc's" <"MagicMailout bcc's"
Hi guys!
Happy everything and TYIF, you made it thru the week.
How are you, and what's new? Do you have snow? My brother and Dad are off
to Aruba. I just stay in Seattle. I don't enjoy the safety of flying. I've
been playing a lot of Go at the gaming zone, www.zone.com Come say hello
nights. Today is one of the best from the Martres' photos of the Southwest
US. It is an arch on fire, at sunrise. http://funandmagic.com/photolinks2.htm
Have a magic day and pass it on!
Magic Mike
http://funandmagic.com/President Clinton pardoned the White House turkey. Now, why can't
Congress do that?"
Number 10 - "Tell Me Lies, Tell Me Sweet Little Lies", by Fleetwood Mac
Number 9 - "Afternoon Delight", by Star Land Vocal Band
Number 8 - "Your Cheatin' Heart", by Hank Williams
Number 7 - "Looking for Love in All the Wrong Places"
Number 6 - "Jive Talkin'" by the Bee Gees
Number 5 - "Honesty (is Such a Lonely Word)" by Billy Joel
Number 4 - "(You Can't Hide Your)Lying Eyes", by The Eagles
Number 3 - "Ocean Front Property (in Arizona)", by George Strait
Number 2 - "I'd Lie to You for Your Love", by The Bellamy Brothers
And THE NUMBER ONE song to replace "Hail to the Chief" when President Clinton is introduced:
Number 1 - "Devil with the Blue Dress" by Mitch Ryder & the Detroit
Wheels
=========================
========
An anxious woman goes to her doctor. "Doctor," she asks nervously, "can you get pregnant from anal intercourse?" "Certainly," replies the doctor,"Where do you think lawyers come from?" ---- First Lady Hillary Clinton and Attorney General Janet Reno were having one of those girl to girl talks............
Hillary says to Janet, "You're lucky that you don't have to put up with men having sex with you. I have to put up with Bill....and there's no telling where he last had his pecker."
Janet responded..."Just because I am esthetically challenged (that's "politically correct" for ugly), doesn't mean I don't have to fight off unwelcome sexual advances."
Hillary asks, "Well how do you deal with the problem?" Janet says, "Whenever I feel that a guy's getting ready to make a pass at me, I muster all my might and squeeze out the loudest, nastiest fart I can."
Well, that night, Bill was already in bed with the lights out when Hillary headed to bed. She could hear him start to stir, and knew that he would be wanting some action. She had been saving her farts all day, and was ready for him.....so, she tensed up her butt cheeks and forced out the most disgusting sounding fart you could imagine.
Bill rolls over and asks, "That you Janet?"
-
=-=-=-=-=-=-=-==--=-=-=-=-
So one guy says to another guy, "Mandelbaum and Rosenstern were talking
one day..." Right away, his friend interrupts him,
"Always with the Jewish jokes! Give it a rest! Why do they always have to be about Jews? Just change the names to another ethnic group for once!"
So he starts again, "Hashimoto and Suzuki were talking one day at their nephew's Bar Mitzvah..." =-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=
-=-=-=-=-=TIS THE SEASON
Twas the night before Chanukah, boicheks and Maidels, Not a sound could be heard, not even the dreidels. The menorah was set by the chimney alight, In the kitchen the Bubbie was choppin a bite. Salami, pastrami, a glassele tay, And soyereh pickles with bagels...oy veh.
Gesundt and geschmact the inderlach felt, While dreaming of tagelach and Chanukah gelt. The alarm clock was sitting, a klappen and ticken, And Bubbie was carving a shtickele chicken.
A tumult arose like a thousand Beruches, Santa had fallen and broken his toches. I put on my slippers, ains, zvei, drei, While Bubbie was enjoying her herring and rye. I grabbed for my bathrobe and buttoned my gotkes, And Bubbie was just devouring her latkes.
A little red yarmlke greeted my eyes. When he got to the door and saw the menorah, "Yiddishe kinder", he said,"Kenahorah. " I thought I was in a strange hoise, As long as I'm here I'll leave a few toys"
Come into the kitchen, I'll get you a dish, A gupel, a leffel, a shtikele fish. With smacks of delight, he started his fressen, Chopped liver, and knaidlach and kreplach gegessen. Along with this meal he had a few schnapps, When it came to eating this boy was tops! He asked for some knishes with pepper and salt, But they were so hot he yelled "oy gevolt"
He buttoned his hosen and ran from the tish, "your Kosherer meals are simply delish" As he wenrt through the door he said "see you all later" I'll be back next Pesach in time for the seder.
More rapid than eagles his prancers they came, As he whistled and shouted and called them by name. Now Izzy, now Morris, now Louie and Sammy, On Irving and Maxie and Hymie and Manny He gave a geshray a he drove out of sight, ' A GOOD YONTIFF TO ALL, AND TO ALL A GOOD NIGHT"Subject: Goblin Generals, Planet Proctor [Fwd: PP 98 - 29]
Date: Thu, 10 Dec 1998 09:28:35 -0800
From: mmb <mmb
To: "MagicMailout bcc's" <"MagicMailout bcc's"
Hi,
Well, it seems we are getting two presents that everyone
wanted. peace in The Middle east and in Ireland. Please throw in Tibet
too. And The Balkans. and that's all I need.... Today we are back at the
Martres site to look at the Goblin Generals viewing the troops at Goblin
Valley. Pass muster at http://funandmagic.com/photolinks2.htm
Keep sending jokes, photo links, and bumper stickers. It's been slow on
the Bumper stickers. Start looking at cars in traffic and send some! Phil
Proctor has a new one in his Planet Orbit today. Glad to hear "Patience"
is doing well, Phil!
Have a magic day and pass it on.
Magic Mike
http://funandmagic.com/
Date: Wed, 9 Dec 1998 21:15:22 -0500
From: Phil Proctor <PProctor@compuserve.com
To: AAA <pproctor@compuserve.com (((((((((((((((((((((((((( PLANET PROCTOR 98 - 29
"We drive into the future using only our rearview mirror." Marshall McCluhan
HOLIDAY'S SAUCE Well, it's National Calendar Awareness Month; and if you already knew that, you're getting ready for Nuts Day in Belgium on the fifteenth, Eat What You Want Day on the sixteenth, the Feast of the Radishes in Mexico, veintitres, and Feed Yourself Day, the thirty-first. Oh yeah. And Christmas and Hanakuh.
A "LEGIT" REVIEW? Another nod for "Patience", this time from Daily Variety, as critic Julio Martinez reponds to our production's "thoroughly...theatrical pizzazz...[and] truly comical moments..." citing "a pair of dead-on portrayals...by Jeremy Lawrence's deliciously flamboyant Bunthorne...and Philip Proctor...whose wonderfully modulated voice and crispy articulation best serve the arched dialogue and patter rhythms of G&S. One of the production's...highlights," he continues, "occurs when Proctor, Macray and Danzinger spoof the aesthetic ideal with the comedy trio 'It's Clear That Medieval Art.'" Only 2 weeks left, and to paraphrase the Duke, "We have a great gift to bestow." Call (323) TKTS and join our thoroughly silly audiences.
We're also staging readings at [Inside] the Ford for $5 a pop. On Monday, 12/14, "The Importance of Being Earnest"; and on Wednesday, 12/16, I'm appearing in "The Palace of Truth" offering a rare chance to see a prose play by W.S. Gilbert, subtitled "A Fairy Comedy." Hmmmm. We'll see.
"Why is it that when we talk to God we're said to be praying, but when God talks to us we're schizophrenic?" Lily Tomlin
NAUGHTY AND NICE ? From the Hartford Courant by Frances Grandy Taylor comes a report on 1998's "Bottom Ten Warped Toy List" compiled by the Rev. Christopher L. Rose, pastor of Grace Episcopal Church. His list includes dolls that foam at the mouth or beg for abuse, toy pump-action rifles, ("You could hold up a store with this gun") a "Spawn" inspired crypt with a removable corpse, and an exotic-dancer doll with a removable bra and realistic nipples. (Grate gift ideas!) Rose's choice of warped toys are "psychologically inappropriate" inspiring violent interactive play, dolls that bleed, vomit, or depict graphic mutilation, and toys in which "female characters are abused or depicted in an erotic manner." (No pushing ! There's a line !) First up: the Bashin' Brawlers "Macho Man Randy Savage," a plush wrestler doll that taunts: "Hey, you're bashin' my gut!" when punched in the chest (sick) or "Is that all you got?" when its arms or legs are twisted. Also on the list are the Toonsylvania "Crush Me Phil" and "Taunt Me Igor" dolls which scream and vibrate when pummeled, (oooh) while Capcom's "Resident Evil" toys like "Maggot Zombie" have tear-away limbs; and "Dr. Vic's Electron Chair," lets tots zap a doll strapped in Old Sparky. Then there's the Psycho-Screamer Collection -- "Spinal Tap Phil," (too many Phils on this list) "Rabid Ravin Melissa," "Gastro Intestinal Igor," and (my personal favorite), "Bad Gas Baby Human". "Silly Slammers" rate a place thanx to "bean bags with an attitude" like "Gutter Gal", that shriek when thrown to the ground. Finally, female action figures for 8 and above (...way above) include Gywnn, an exotic dancer who can be stripped down to the sounds of Rock 'n' Barf musical instruments like "Snot a Lotter, Horror Harmonica, and Slime Whistle"; and Typhoid Mary, who can be dressed up -- in shackles and a straitjacket. Rose said many of the objectionable toys are made in China by child laborers, so "what this is really about is legalized child abuse for profit." Beats me.
I'M ALL EARS The Globe reported today that Monica Lewinsky recently went to a plastic surgeon. Stung by all the jokes about being overweight, she was thinking about having her love handles removed. However, she decided not to go through with it after the doctor told her that removing both ears would cause complete and total deafness. (Richard -or for poorer - Dubin)
"I used to think that life was unfair. Then I thought, wouldn't it be much worse, if life were fair, and all the terrible things that happen to us come because we actually deserve them." Babylon 5, (Through the mind of Cat Simiril)
R-e-COMMENDED "In the psychedelic era, wild and wooly comedians Firesign Theatre injected their radical albums with multiple references to high and low culture in a high-speed, high-concept delivery. The Firesign wit remains sharp and all-encompassing on 1998's 'Give Me Immortality or Give Me Death'; the group takes on talk radio, coffee addicts, and "celebrazzis" while anarchists in eyeball-head masks run amok. Founding members Phil Proctor and Peter Bergman take time out from their busily comic lives to chat with Amazon.com contributor John Sulak about their first studio disc since 1985, and why their work is so necessary today." (This is a beautifully d-e-constructed tour of Fir-e-signia. B-e there or b-e nowhere.) http://www.amazon.com/firesign-interview
WE INTERRUPT THIS PLANET -- The news director WLKW-TV, Rhode Island, delivered this news bulletin live: "From his emergency flood headquarters at City Hall, Mayor Friedman has just ordered all families living near or adjacent to the Mill River to ejaculate immediately." It is not known if this helped stem the tide. (Susie Kaufman)
"Work For World Peace - Or We'll Bomb You" (Proposed bumper sticker)
CHECK IT OUT Eye halve a spelling chequer, it came with my pee sea It plainly marques four my revue, miss steaks eye kin knot sea. Eye strike a key and type a word and weight four it two say Weather eye am wrong oar write and it shows me strait aweigh. As soon as a mist ache is maid, it nose bee fore two long, And eye can put the error rite; its rare lea ever wrong. Eye have run this poem threw it, and I am shore your pleased two no, Its letter perfect awl the weigh! My chequer tolled me sew. (Sauce Un none)
"This is rat eat rat, dog eat dog. I'll kill 'em, and I'm gonna kill 'em before they kill me." Ray Crock (Founder of the "Rat In A Box" chain?)
*%#@&! TELEVISION SHOWS! According to Bernard T. Davidow in the Hartford Courant (time to subscribe?) there is now a Foul Language Filter in a plain black box called "TVGuardian" which reads close-captions and mutes out the naughty parts. And if you're reading the close-captioning, it replaces an offensive word with a kinder, gentler one -- like "cripes." There were a few bugs to work out, admitted the inventor, Richard Bray of Principle Solutions in Rogers, Ark. Before the tweaks, "Dick Van Dyke" came out "Jerk Van Gay", so it was adjusted to censor phrases in context and given a "tolerant" setting that ignores words like "butt, sucks and crap." Check it out at http://www.tvguardian.com -- or go muck yourself.
MEANWHILE, UNCENSORED RUSSIA? A new U.S.-launched privately-owned Russian satellite, BONUM-1, will soon bring 50 channels of news, films, sports and kid's programming into Western Russian and Siberian homes with receiving discs but without state censorship. "It is an unusual moment," beamed Vladimir Goussinsky of Moscow's MediaMost company ("Most" means "bridge" in Russian). "I would call it a revolution." Proving Proctor's premise once again that the satellites were freed by the satellites...
HEADLINE OF THE YEAR: "Ex-GOP Hopeful Huffington Says He Is a Homosexual ...He also says he may be a Democrat." (L.A.Times, 12/6)
STARSTRUCK - OR ON STRIKE? "I have very little desire to be a movie star...You make a lot of money, you have a lot of opportunities, you get to sleep with a lot of very beautiful women, you get free food in restaurants, but you service other people's visions. Your privacy is stripped from you. People perceive you as something you're not." So says "Very Bad Things" director Peter Berg in Movieline magazine. His film was summed up as follows in the L.A. Times: "Before this miserable epic is finally over, everyone involved (including the audience) is either maimed or dead or wishing they were." Don't think Berg has to worry about stardom.
"I have now gotten to the age when I must prove that I'm just as good as I never was." Rex Harrison
GOODNIGHT, SWEET PRINCES We lost two gentlemen actors recently -- Dick O'Neill and Michael Zaslow. I knew them both over their long, successful careers. I was Rolf, the singing Nazi, with Dick in a national tour of "The Sound of Music" when he met his wife-for-life, Jackie, who was then a harpist in the orchestra at the Westbury Music Fair; and I ran into them several times recently, right before he posted his closing notice. Zaslow's long career in Soaps was brought to national attention when he was struck with ALS and allowed to bravely play on in a wheelchair til the disease overtook him. As the villainous Thorpe on "The Guiding Light" he "had affairs with three married women, raped two others including his wife and accidently killed a woman when he threw her down a flight of stairs." In real life he was smart, generous, greatly gifted and much loved.
PROCTOR'S PROSKY The best memorium I could leave them both comes from Robert Prosky's revealing Equity magazine article "on being an actor": "I love actors and by extension, the theatre. I love the minutia that surrounds them both. I love listening and telling Green Room war stories. I love the onstage triumphs and yes, I love even the disasters. They make for better war stories. I love the adrenaline that shoots through every actor onstage when something goes wrong, and the relief that sweeps through when some heroic actor saves the day. I love performance -- that time when the human beings on stage interact with the human beings in the audience and together they create the event of performance. It's one of life's most civilized experiences."
HOLM, SWEET HOLM Celest Holm, back in prominence on a series called "Promised Land" tells a great "war story" herself in an article in the L.A. Times. It seems she was Ophelia's understudy and playing a lady-in-waiting on tour, one Christmas night 61 years ago in Leslie Howard's "Hamlet" in Chicago. As she stood offstage in the wings, Howard suddenly swept her into his arms and kissed her "as beautifully as I have ever been kissed before or since." But then the nearsighted Howard pulled away, muttering "I beg your pardon" and walked into his scene on stage. Later in the dressing room, the rattled young actress related the tale to her curious companions, one of whom burst into laughter. "He was having an affair with the girl in New York who wore your dress," she revealed. "He probably forgot where he was." "It does make one realize," Holm says today, "just how interchangeable we all are." Except, of course, for Zaslow and O'Neill...
+++++++++++(12/09/98)++++++++++ * PLANET PROCTOR: www.planetproctor.com * FIRESIGN SITE: www.firesigntheatre.com * FIREZINE: $15.00 per annum: www.intrepid.net/~firezine/ * FIRESIGN PRODUCT: www.lodestone-media.com *"FUNNY TIMES": www.funnytimes.com PLANET PROCTOR (C) 1998 by Phil Proctor
Subject: Goblin Valley
Date: Wed, 09 Dec 1998 10:19:36 -0800
From: mmb <mmb
To: "MagicMailout bcc's" <"MagicMailout bcc's"
Hi,
Here is another from the Martres site, Goblin Valley, where an army of
goblin mounds have amassed. Enlist at http://funandmagic.com/photolinks2.htmHave a magic day and pass it on!
Magic Mike
http://funandmagic.com/Martha Stewart Holiday Calendar
December 1 Blanch carcass from Thanksgiving turkey. Spray paint gold, turn upside down and use as a sleigh to hold Christmas Cards.
December 2 Have Mormon Tabernacle Choir record outgoing Christmas message for answering machine.
December 3 Using candlewick and handgilded miniature pine cones, fashion cat-o-nine-tails. Flog Gardener.
December 4 Repaint Sistine Chapel ceiling in ecru, with mocha trim.
December 5 Get new eyeglasses. Grind lenses myself.
December 6 Fax family Christmas newsletter to Pulitzer committee for consideration.
December 7 Debug Windows ë95
December 10 Align carpets to adjust for curvature of Earth.
December 11 Lay Faberge egg.
December 12 Take Dog apart. Disinfect. Reassemble.
December 13 Collect Dentures. They make excellent pastry cutters, particularly for decorative pie crusts.
December 14 Install plumbing in gingerbread house.
December 15 Replace air in mini-van tires with Glade ìholiday scentsî in case tires are shot out at mall.
December 17 Child proof the Christmas tree with garland of razor wire.
December 19 Adjust legs of chairs so each Christmas dinner guest will be same height when sitting at his or her assigned seat.
December 20 Dip sheep and cows in egg whites and roll in confectionerís sugar to add a festive sparkle to the pasture.
December 21 Drain city reservoir; refill with mulled cider, orange slices and cinnamon sticks.
December 22 Float votive candles in toilet tank.
December 23 Seed clouds for white Christmas.
December 24 Do my annual good deed. Go to several stores. Be seen engaged in last minute Christmas shopping, thus making many people feel less inadequate than they really are.
December 25 Bear son. Swaddle. Lay in color coordinated manger scented with homemade potpourri.
December 26 Organize spice racks by genus and phylum.
December 27 Build snowman in exact likeness of God.
December 31 New Yearís Eve! Give staff their resolutions.
Call a friend in each time zone of the world as the clock strikes midnight
in that country.
_______________________________________
_______________
At 85 years, a fellow marries a lovely 25 year old woman. Because her new husband is so old the woman decides that on their wedding night they should have separate suites.
She is concerned that the old fellow could overexert himself. After the festivities she prepares herself for bed and for the knock on the door she is expecting.
Sure enough the knock comes, and there is her groom ready for action. They unite in conjugal union, and all goes well whereupon he takes his leave of her, and she prepares to go to sleep for the night.
After a few minutes there's a knock on the door and there old man is again ready for more action. Somewhat surprised she consents to further coupling which is again successful after which the octogenarian bids her a fond good night and leaves.
She is certainly ready for slumber at this point, and is close to sleep for the second time when there is another knock at the door, and there he is again fresh as a 25 year old and ready for more.
Once again they do the horizontal boogie. As they're were lying in afterglow, the young bride says to him, "I am really impressed that a guy your age has enough juice to go for it three times. I've been with guys less than half your age who were only good for one..... You're great!"
Octogenarian looks confused for a time. Then he turns to her and says, "Oh.... Was I already here?" =--=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=
-=-=-=-=
----- IF YOU WERE BUYING CANDY AND YOU HAD YOUR CHOICE OF THE FOLLOWING,
WHICH WOULD YOU CHOOSE?
BABY RUTH
3 MUSKETEERS
BUTTERFINGER
SNICKERS
HERSHEY'S
ALMOND JOY
CLARK BAR
GOOD 'n' PLENTY
ENERGY BAR
CHOCOLATE COATED RAISINS
OK - NOW THAT WE HAVE YOUR CHOICE,
THIS IS WHAT RESEARCH SAYS ABOUT YOU!!!
And NO....you can't change your mind once you scroll down,
so think carefully about your choice.
BABY RUTH - Sweet, loving, cuddly. You love all warm, fuzzy things. A little nutty. Sometimes you need a little treat like an ice cream cone at the end of the day.
3 MUSKETEERS - You are adventurous, love new ideas, are a champion of underdogs and a slayer of dragons. When tempers flare up, you whip out your sabre.
BUTTERFINGER - Smooth and articulate, you are an excellent after-dinner speaker and a good teacher. But don't try to walk and chew gum at the same time.
SNICKERS - Fun-loving, sassy, humorous. Everyone enjoys being around you. But you are a practical joker - others should be cautious in shaking hands!
HERSHEY'S - Romantic, warm, loving. You care about other people and can be counted on in a pinch. You tend to melt and get gushy if held too close.
ALMOND JOY - Sexy, always ready to give and receive, very energetic, and really like to get into life. The opposite sex is always attracted to you.
CLARK BAR - You like sports, whether baseball, football, basketball, or soccer. If you could, you would like to participate, but mostly you enjoy watching sports. You don't like to give up the remote control.
GOOD 'n' PLENTY - You are a very fun loving person who likes to laugh. You are fun to be with. People like to go to the movies with you. Children find you amusing. You are a very warm hearted person.
ENERGY BAR - You are very active. You are so active, life is passing you by. Get a life!!!! Go eat a plum.
CHOCOLATE COATED RAISINS - You go to the bathroom often.
-=---=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=
-=-=-=-=-=-=
---- Dear Darling Son and That Person You Married,
Merry Christmas to you, and please don't worry. I'm just fine considering I can't breathe or eat. The important thing is that you have a nice holiday, thousands of miles away from your ailing mother. I've sent along my last
ten dollars in this card, which I hope you'll spend on my grandchildren.
God knows their mother never buys them anything nice. They look so thin in their pictures, poor babies.
Thank you so much for the Christmas flowers, dear boy. I put them in the
freezer so they'll stay fresh for my grave. Which reminds me -- we buried Grandma last week. I know she died years ago, but I got to yearning for a good funeral so Aunt Viola and I dug her up and had the services all over again. I would have invited you, but I know that woman you live with would have never let you come. I bet she's never even watched that videotape of my hemorrhoid surgery, has she?
Well son, it's time for me to crawl off to bed now. I lost my cane beating off muggers last week, but don't you worry about me. I'm also getting used to the cold since they turned my heat off and am grateful because the frost on my bed numbs the constant pain. Now don't you even think about sending any more money, because I know you need it for those expensive family vacations you take every year. Give my love to my darling grandbabies and my regards to whatever-her-name-is -- the one with the black roots who stole you screaming from my bosom.
Merry Christmas.
Love, MomSubject: star forming region
Date: Mon, 07 Dec 1998 09:24:33 -0800
From: Magic Mike B <mmb
Organization: http://funandmagic.com/
To: "MagicMailout bcc's" <"MagicMailout bcc's"
Hi,
Today let's leave the SW (we'll be back) and go to a star forming region
at http://funandmagic.com/photolinks2.htm
Keep sending jokes and photo links. How many of you haven't used the 2
slideshow programs on the utility page yet? I really enjoy them, for seeing
all these great pics on my desk. I have seen a number of photo slideshows
for sale. These two, and all the great pics are free!
Have a magic day and pass it on to your friends and enemies.
Magic Mike
http://funandmagic.com/
( go see a magic trick)
A burglar is running up the lawn to a house he plans to rob. He is just getting to the porch steps when he hears a voice say "Jesus is watching you."
The burglar turns around, but there's no one there. He climbs up the porch steps and hears the voice again. "Jesus is watching you."
The burglar looks to his side and sees a parrot in a cage. "Did you say that?" he asks the bird.
"Yes I did," the parrot said.
"Who are you?" asks the burglar.
"My name's John the Baptist," says the bird.
"What kind of a dumb religious guy would name their parrot John the Baptist?" says the burglar.
The parrot chuckles and replies, "The same dumb religious
guy that would name their rottweiler Jesus!" -=-=-=
-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=---=-=
-=-----=-=-=----==-=-=---=-=-=The following are actual statements found on insurance forms where car
drivers attempted to summarize the details of an accident in the fewest
possible words.
I pulled away from the side of the road, glanced at my mother-in-law and headed over the embankment.
Coming home I drove into the wrong house and collided with a tree I don't have.
The other car collided with mine without giving warning of its intention.
I thought my window was down, but I found it was up when I put my head through it.
I collided with a stationary truck coming the other way.
A truck backed through my windshield into my wife's face.
The guy was all over the road. I had to swerve a number of times before I hit him.
In an attempt to kill a fly I drove into a telephone pole.
I had been shopping for plants all day and was on my way home. As I reached an intersection a hedge sprang up, obscuring my vision and I did not see the other car.
I had been driving forty years when I fell asleep at the wheel and had an accident.
I was on the way to the doctor with rear end trouble when my universal joint gave way causing me to have an accident.
As I approached an intersection a sign suddenly appeared in a place where no stop sign had ever appeared before. I was unable to stop in time to avoid the accident.
To avoid hitting the bumper of the car in front I struck a pedestrian.
My car was legally parked as it backed into another vehicle.
An invisible car came out of nowhere, struck my car and vanished.
I told the police that I was not injured, but on removing my hat found that I had a fractured skull.
I was sure the old fellow would never make it to the other side of the road when I struck him.
The pedestrian had no idea which way to run so I ran over him.
I saw a slow moving, sad faced old gentleman as he bounced off the roof of my car.
The indirect cause of the accident was a little guy in a small car with a big mouth.
I was thrown from my car as it left the road. I was later found in a ditch by some stray cows.Subject: Want to slow dance? Or, are you a computer geek?
Date: Sun, 06 Dec 1998 12:07:00 -0800
From: Magic Mike B <mmb
Organization: http://funandmagic.com/
To: "MagicMailout bcc's" <"MagicMailout bcc's" Hi,
Beautiful photo of a delicate archway from the Martres site. You pass thru it at http://funandmagic.com/photolinks2.htmDo you see beauty shots from where you live? Send the links.
Have a magic day and pass it on, and on.
Magic Mike
http://funandmagic.com/ (see a magic trick)
Are you a computer geek? You are if.....
you set up your old computer next to your new one 2 months ago so that you could transfer files and you've been using them "both" since. you have more computers now than you've had relationships in your lifetime. your wallpaper is made up of Linux code. your favorite pasttime is IRC on Saturday nights. your computer is set for Dvorak... but your keyboard is actually a qwerty. ...you know what Dvorak and Qwerty refer to. you have a PC for every person in the house, and still think you need one more. What if one goes down!? you salivate when you hear the word, "upgrade" instead of laughing you say "El-Oh-El!" you have actually heard someone do this in real life. ...and you actually understood what it meant. you dream in code. you not only know what Be OS is, you have an opinion about it you want to be the first one on your block to be wet-wired. you dual boot because you want to be able to play some of them there cool new games. you bought a super socket-7 motherboard, not because you really needed it, but because you got it for only 40.00 via an online auction. Now you have a reason to build that extra computer you don't really need. to you, the word "scuzzy" is sexy. your girlfriend kisses you on the neck and you think "uh oh, priority interupt!". you and the campus Unix Sysadmin have a geek contest. ...and you win. you check your e-mail before you brush your teeth in the morning. you believe Unix/Linux is the most superior operating system out there you e-mail yourself notes rather than writing them... ...and you can justify the advantages of doing so. ...or you actually reply to the note. you can program in more languages than you can speak. you refer to your computer as a friend. you can talk to your computer without being sarcastic or raising your voice. you talk to your computer the way most people talk to their significan't other. you use old CD-ROMs as coasters... ...and you've collected a matching set for every room in your house. with the exception of the blood-sucking part, you have the same basic characteristics as a vampire.
-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=
-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=---=-=
Slow Dance
Have you ever watched kids on a merry-go-round Or listened to the rain slapping on the ground?
Ever followed a butterfly's erratic flight Or gazed at the sun into the fading night?
Time is short The music won't last
Do you run through each day on the fly When you ask "How are you?" do you hear the reply?
When the day is done, do you lie in your bed With the next hundred chores running through your head?
You'd better slow down Don't dance so fast Time is short The music won't last
Ever told your child, We'll do it tomorrow And in your haste, not see his sorrow?
Ever lost touch, Let a good friendship die 'Cause you never had time to call and say "Hi"?
You'd better slow down Don't dance so fast Time is short The music won't last
When you run so fast to get somewhere You miss half the fun of getting there. When you worry and hurry through your day, it is like an unopened gift.... Thrown away...
Life is not a race. Do take it slower Hear the music Before the song is over.
Subject: Dead Horse Point, jokes, Women against Starr
Date: Sat, 05 Dec 1998 12:15:07 -0800
From: Magic Mike B <mmb
Organization: http://funandmagic.com/
To: "MagicMailout bcc's" <"MagicMailout bcc's"
Hi,
Today is another photo pic from the Martres site, Dead Horse Point. (I
am saving the best for last like a good magician!) Get your ticket to the
Southwest punched at http://funandmagic.com/photolinks2.htm
Here is a "little" female bashing, and then some serious fem
stuff. It was forwarded to me from my "kissing cousin" Cyndi,
regarding women that don't agree with Ken Starr and his tactics. They are
campaigning for his removal and would like your support and name. It is
the last item on today's mailout. Have a magic day and pass it on!
Magic Mike (don't forget to change my mail and bookmarks to funandmagic.com)
http://funandmagic.com/(see
the world's greatest card trick) His And Hers ATMs:
-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-
HIS: 1. Pull up to ATM 2. Insert card 3. Enter PIN and account 4. Take cash, card and receipt 5. Drive away
HERS: 1. Pull up to ATM 2. Back up and pull forward to get closer 3. Shut off engine 4. Put keys in purse 5. Get out of car because you're too far from machine 6. Hunt for card in purse 7. Insert card 8. Hunt in purse for grocery receipt with PIN written on it. 9. Enter PIN 10. Study instructions. 11. Hit "cancel" 12. Re-enter correct PIN 13. Check balance 14. Look for envelope 15. Look in purse for pen 16. Make out deposit slip 17. Endorse checks 18. Make deposit 19. Study instructions 20. Make cash withdrawal 21. Get in car 22. Check makeup 23. Look for keys 24. Start car 25. Check makeup 26. Start pulling away 27. Stop 28. Back up to machine 29. Get out of car 30. Take card and receipt 31. Get back in car 32. Put card in wallet 33. Put receipt in checkbook 34. Enter deposits and withdrawals in checkbook 35. Clear area in purse for wallet and checkbook 36. Check makeup 37. Put car in reverse 38. Put car in drive 39. Drive away from machine 40. Drive 3 miles 41. Release parking brake -=--=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=
--=-=-=-=Family Stress Test
To score, enter the number that is most appropriate for each question: 0 - if the statement is never true 1 - if it is rarely true 2 - if it is sometimes true 3 - if it is always true.
1. ___ Conversations often begin with "Put the gun down, and then we can talk."
2. ___ The school principal has your number on speed-dial.
3. ___ The cat is on Valium.
4. ___ People have trouble understanding your kids, because they learned to speak through clenched teeth.
5. ___ You are trying to get your four-year-old to switch to decaf.
6. ___ The number of jobs held down by family members exceeds the number of people in the family.
7. ___ No one has time to *wait* for microwaved food.
8. ___ "Family meetings" are often mediated by local law enforcement officials.
9. ___ You have to check your kids' day-timers to see if they *can* take out the garbage.
10.___ No-Doze gives you bulk rates.
How you rate:
30 - A perfect score! Welcome to the neighborhood! 20-29 - You are doing reasonably well, but still have too little going on in your life. Crank it up a bit. 10-19 - You have mastered some of the aspects of the stress-filled life, but still have a long way to go. Have you considered a parallel career path? 0-9 - Enjoying all that extra time? What do you do anyway?
parlor.htm -=-
-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=
-=-=-=-=-==-
Women Leaders Online wrote: WOC Alert Thanksgiving, 1998 - Govs Give
Thanks for Welfare Reform: King of the Turkeys
This year, many politicos will have some personal reasons to give thanks. That's because welfare reform has resulted in big bucks for the right folks.
It seems that nearly everyone is making money off this brave new world - multi-national corporations which formerly made most of their money off weapons systems, now providing systems to track welfare "cheats;" "faith-based" social service agencies, gaining lucrative contracts to move the poor into work while urging them to pray for the wisdom to see welfare reform as a blessing; secular agencies, working the system both ways with contracts for service and first pick on hiring the desperate poor for low wages. In fact, everybody seems to be cashing in on welfare reform -expect, of course, the poor.
But no one is reaping a bigger bonanza from welfare reform than the nation's governors - with an amassed surplus of $4.7 Billion so far. Yes, as part of the deal made with the feds, states are making money hand over fist, and there is nothing to force them to spend the money on the poor. Under the new system, states get a fixed amount of federal money no matter how many people they have on welfare. And the combination of forcing folks off welfare, along with a better economy (not necessarily resulting in jobs paying living wages), means the governors are fat and happy. So in state after state, women with children are being sent back to work with little or no child care, and the governors are lowering property taxes, enriching the general fund and redirecting the money to more fortunate constituents.
And the governors are having the last laugh on Congress, too. Welfare reform now costs the Federal Government more than it did before Congress started this mess. While turning over the whole system to the states, the feds now spend 9% more than they did before, while the states have reduced spending by 22%.
So when your governor officially proclaims Thursday as
Thanksgiving Day, you'll know what he is giving thanks for.
_______________________________________
_________
Don't forget to watch! A new documentary about women, the law and social change will air on PBS Nov. 27, 1998, and run at different times through March (check local listings). A Woman's Place follows three courageous women from South Africa, India and the U.S. to explore the question: Can new laws change old ways? From property rights to domestic violence, each of these women has dedicated her life to making tradition and justice see eye to eye. Do you qualify for a free video? For more information look us up at www.zaza.com/awomansplace.
_______________________________________
_________
AND SPEAKING OF TURKEYS. . . WOC member Jane Wardlow Prettyman sends along this note about King of the Turkeys, Ken Starr:
If you agree with this statement . . .
"We demand that Kenneth W. Starr be removed immediately from the Office of Independent Counsel because of abuse of power and lack of prosecutorial restraint."
. . . go to the Petition Website to SIGN PETITION at:
http://www.rain.org/~openmind/petition.htm
Your name will be added instantly to a continuously updated Petition being sent to Attorney General Janet Reno and selected members of Congress.
You will also find the formal Petition on this website and an attachment outlining "Reasons Ken Starr Should Be Removed." The site is being regularly updated.
The Petition drive will expire on March 1, 1999 or at the end of Ken Starr's occupancy of the OIC, whichever comes first. If he remains in the post after that date, the Petition drive will be renewed.
Please distribute this message widely and save for sending to new contacts over the next few weeks. Mention the Starr Petition with URL in online discussion groups and keep spreading the word encouraging people to sign the Petition.
AN ACTION REMINDER: Look in the mirror, and see if you find a potential candidate. (After all, think of what we have now - surely you can do better!) Then, think of others who could run for office. There are plenty of seats to run for, and we need feminist women on every level. Whether you decide to run or not, offer your help (financial and otherwise) to make our dream come true - a ballot we can be proud to cast.
AND NOW, A NOTE FROM OUR SPONSOR:
If you have not yet become a member of Women Leaders Online, we really need your support. Your contribution of $100, $50, $25, $10 -- or whatever you can spare -- will help keep our financially-challenged but dedicated staff paid and our alerts flying across the Net.
In addition, contributing members are entitled to participate in our interactive e-mail discussion lists, including WLO-News, WLO-Media, and many state lists -- visit http://wlo.org and press "Discuss" for details.
So please send your contribution today to: Women Leaders Online, P.O. Box 11019, Washington, DC 20008, with your e-mail address on your check. For credit card donations, e-mail us with the best time to contact you so we can obtain the required information.
Jeanne Clark, Executive Director Rhonda Lees, Deputy Director
~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~Please Post Widely! Women Leaders Online/Women Organizing for Change PO
Box 11019, Washington DC 20008 Voice/Fax: 202-364-3018 E-mail: wlo@wlo.org
Web: http://wlo.org To subscribe, mailto:listserv@listserv.aol.com with
the message: subscribe WOC firstname lastname To unsubscribe, mailto:listserv@listserv.aol.com
with the message: unsubscribe WOC To change your address, unsubscribe from
your old address and subscribe from your new address. Please visit our
website at http://wlo.org. Thank you!
~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Stuart Dick, MPH, RD Outcomes Research Specialist Research Institute California
Pacific Medical Center 2340 Clay Street #530 San Francisco, CA 94115
Phone (415) 561-1300 FAX (415)561-1753
website: http://www.cpmc.org
Subject: Antelope Canyon(1/32 mile), insipidity test
Date: Fri, 04 Dec 1998 08:59:55 -0800
From: Magic Mike B <mmb
Organization: http://funandmagic.com/
To: "MagicMailout bcc's" <"MagicMailout bcc's"
Hi, Today we are off with Patricia & Laurent Martres
again, on their trip of the Western United States. Yesterday they took
us to Washington's Olympic Peninsula, today we're jetting down to Antelope
Canyon. Get your tickets at http://funandmagic.com/photolinks2.htm
Continue looking for more photo galleries to recommend and send in the
links. New jokes are also welcome.
Have a magic day and pass it on!
http://funandmagic.com/(see
a magic trick)
1. Alien beings from a highly advanced society visit the Earth, and you are the first human they encounter. As a token of intergalactic friendship, they present you with a small but incredibly sophisticated device that is capable of curing all disease, providing an infinite supply of clean energy, wiping out hunger and poverty, and permanently eliminating oppression and violence all over the entire Earth. You decide to:
A. Present it to the President of the United States. B. Present it to the Secretary General of the United Nations. C. Take it apart.
2. As you grow older, what lost quality of your youthful life do you miss the most?
A. Innocence. B. Idealism. C. Cherry bombs.
3. When is it okay to kiss another male?
A. When you wish to display simple and pure affection without Regard for narrow-social conventions. B. When he is the pope. (Not on the lips.) C. When he is your brother and you are Al Pacino and this is then only really sporting way to let him know that, for business reasons, you have to have him killed.
4. What about hugging another male?
A.. If he's your father and at least one of you has a fatal disease. B.. If you're performing the Heimlich maneuver. C.. If you're a professional baseball player and a teammate hits a home run to win the World Series, you may hug him provided that: (1) He is legally within the base path, (2) Both of you are wearing sufficient protection, and (3) You also pound him fraternally with your fist hard enough to cause fractures.
5. In your opinion, the ideal pet is:
A.. A cat. B.. A dog. C.. A dog that eats cats.
6. You have been seeing a woman for several years. She's attractive and
intelligent, and you always enjoy being with her. One leisurely Sunday afternoon the two of you are taking it easy-you're watching a football game; she's reading the papers-when she suddenly, out of the clear blue sky, she tells you that she thinks she really loves you, but, she can no longer bear the uncertainty of not knowing where your relationship is going. She says she's not asking whether you want to get married; only whether you believe that you have some kind of future together. What do you say?
A.. That you sincerely believe the two of you do have a future, but you don't want to rush it. B.. That although you also have strong feelings for her, you cannot honestly say that you'll be ready anytime soon to make a lasting commitment, and you don't want to hurt her by holding out false hope. C.. That you cannot believe the Jets called a draw play on third and seventeen.
7. Okay, so you have decided that you truly love a woman and you want to spend the rest of your life with her -sharing the joys and the sorrows the world has to offer, come what may. How do you tell her?
A.. You take her to a nice restaurant and tell her after dinner. B.. You take her for a walk on a moonlit beach, and you say her name, and when she turns to you, with the sea breeze blowing her hair and the stars in her eyes, you tell her. C.. Tell her what?
8. One weekday morning your wife wakes up feeling ill and asks you to get your three children ready for school. Your first question to her is:
A.. "Do they need to eat or anything?" B.. "They're in school already?" C.. "There are three of them?"
9. When is it okay to throw away a set of veteran socks?
A.. When it has turned the color of a dead whale and developed new holes so large that you're not sure which ones were originally intended for your legs. B. When it is down to eight loosely connected sock molecules and has to be handled with tweezers. C. It is never okay to throw away veteran socks. A real guy checks the garbage regularly in case somebody-and we are not naming names, but this would be his wife -is quietly trying to discard his underwear, which she is frankly jealous of, because the guy seems to have a more intimate relationship with it
than with her.
10. What, in your opinion, is the most reasonable explanation for the fact that Moses led the Israelites all over the place forty years before they finally got to the Promised Land?
A.. He was being tested. B.. He wanted them to really appreciate the Promised Land when they finally got there. C.. He refused to ask for directions.
11. What is the human race's single greatest achievement?
A. Democracy. B.. Religion. C.. The Remote control.
http://funandmagic.com/magicjokeparlor.htmSubject: Olympic Park, Dylan Thomas
Date: Thu, 03 Dec 1998 10:14:28 -0800
From: Magic Mike B <mmb
Organization: http://funandmagic.com/
To: "MagicMailout bcc's" <"MagicMailout bcc's"
Hi,
Here is a photo from The Olympic National Park, here in Washington, on
the trail to Enchanted Valley from Patricia & Laurent Martres web site.http://funandmagic.com/photolinks2.htm
I stumbled upon the famous poem by Dylan Thomas this morning. I have added
it to the bottom as a reminder to Not Go Gentle Into That Good Night. Also,
do yourself a favor before you go, and read the books I have recommended
on my page about the Tibetan lamas, especially The Tibetan Book Of The
Dead, which is detailed instructions to remember while dying. This is considered
as state of the art study on the dying condition - before, during, and
after death (The Bardo state), written by the most advanced meditation
teacher on the planet, who taught the art to Tibet in 747 A.D. In his early
years, Padmasambhava lived and studied in cemeteries (as I did), meditating
on the transitory condition of existence ( Tibetan Book of The Dead), and
the secret powers of the mind (Tibetan Book of The Great Liberation) The
Tibetans regard laughing and magic as important, so
Have a magic day, pass it on.
See a magic trick and have a laugh!
Magic Mike http://funandmagic.com/
The Ideal Wife should be beautiful, but not so beautiful that people think you married her only for her beauty.
And The Ideal Wife should be wealthy, but not so wealthy that people think you married her only for her money.
And The Ideal Wife should be gentle, but not so gentle that she can't suck a tennis ball through a fifty-foot garden hose.-=-=-=-=-
-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=
-=-=-=
-------- A father said, "Son, the object of dating is to SCORE! And
to do that, you have to give the woman something. So when you pick up your
date later, make sure you have some flowers or chocolates to give her.
Girls go crazy over that stuff. The more you give, the more you get!"
So, he showed up with flowers AND chocolates.
She was very flattered and pleased, and she rewarded him with a long, passionate kiss. She pressed her chest against him and rubbed her fingers through his hair,.... hoping to give him the best kiss that he had ever received.
After the kiss, he turned and bolted for the door.
"Oh! I'm sorry," she said. "I didn't mean to scare you away."
"You didn't!" he replied. "I'm going out
to get you some jewelry!" .
__________________________.
what the man is thinking/hoping during sex on the subjects as follows
:)
Kissing/Light Petting What he hopes you're thinking: "Oh, I can't resist: I'm powerless before your seductive ways!" What he's afraid you're thinking: "Garlic breath--ewwww!"
Undressing What he hopes you're thinking: "My God, look at the size of that!" What he's afraid you're thinking: "My God, look at the size of that!"
Foreplay/Oral Sex What he hopes you're thinking: "I could worship at the alter of your impressive manhood for hours." What he's afraid you're thinking: "If he doesn't warn me before he comes, I'm going to kill him."
Penetration What he hopes you're thinking: "You stallion, you're splitting me in half!" What he's afraid you're thinking: "Is it in yet?"
Your Orgasm What he hopes you're thinking: "Yes, (his name here), yes!" What he's afraid you're thinking: "I deserve an Academy Award for this performance." What he's even more afraid you're thinking: "Yes, (other guy's name here), yes!"
Postcoital Bliss What he hopes you're thinking: "Now I know what an earthquake feels like." What he's afraid you're thinking: "Maybe I should let my lesbian friend Sue take me to that females-only dance club after all."}-=-
-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=
-=-=-=-=-=-=-=
-=-==
Subject: Look at it from a different light
Ads in Bills: Have you ever noticed that they put advertisements in with your bills now? Like bills aren't distasteful enough, they have to stuff junk mail in there with them! I get back at them. I put garbage in with my check when I mail it in. Coffee grinds, banana peels...I write, "Could you throw this away for me? Thank you." I think this is a great idea!!!!
Fabric Softener: My wife uses fabric softener. I never knew what that stuff was for. Then I noticed women were coming up to me (sniff) 'Married!' (walk off). That's how they mark their territory! You can take off that ring, but it's hard to get that April fresh scent out of your clothes.
Cripes! My wife's from the Midwest. Very nice people there. Very wholesome. They use words like 'Cripes!' 'For Cripe's sake! Who would that be, Jesus Cripes? The son of 'Gosh?' of the church of 'Holy Moly'! I'm not making fun of it. You think I wanna burn in 'Heck'?
Morning Differences: Men and women are different in the morning. The men wake up aroused in the morning. We can't help it! We just wake up and we want you! And the women are thinking, 'How can he want me the way I look in the morning?' It's because we can't see you! We have no blood anywhere near our optic nerves!
Pregnancy: It's weird when pregnant women feel the baby kicking. They say, 'Oh my God! He's kicking. Do you wanna feel it?' I always feel awkward Reaching over there. Come on! It's weird to ask someone to feel your stomach. I don't do that when I have gas. "Oh my God! Give me your hand! It won't be long now . . .." Grandma: My grandmother has a bumper sticker on her car that says, "Sexy Senior Citizen." You don't want to think of your grandmother that way,
do you? Out entering wet shawl contests! Makes you wonder where she got that dollar she gave you for your birthday!
Reverse Life Cycle: The most unfair thing about life is the way it ends. I mean, life is tough. It takes up a lot of your time. What do you get at the end of it? A death. What's that, a bonus? I think the life cycle is all backwards. You should die first, get it out of the way. Then you live in an old age home. You get kicked out when you're too young, you get a gold watch, you got to work. You work forty years until you're young enough to enjoy your retirement! You do drugs, alchohol, you party, you get ready for high school! You go to grade school, you become a kid, you play, you have no responsibilities, you become a little baby, you go back into the womb, you spend your last nine months floating, then you finish off as a gleam.
Prisons: Did you know that it costs forty thousand dollars a year to house each prisoner? Jeez, forty thousand bucks a piece I'll take a few prisoners into my house! I live in Los Angeles. I already have bars on the windows. I don't think we should give free room and board to criminals. I think they should have to run twelve hours a day on a treadmill and generate electricity. And if they don't want to run, they can rest in the chair that's hooked up to the generator.
Award Shows Can you believe how many award shows they have now? They even have awards for commercials--The Cleo Awards--a whole show full of commercials. I taped it and then fast-forwarded through the whole thing.
Phone-in Polls: You know those shows where people call in and vote on different issues? Did you ever notice there's always like 18% "I don't know"! It costs 90 cents to call up and vote, and they're voting "I don't know!" "Honey, I feel very strongly about this. Give me the phone. (Into phone) "I don't know!" (hangs up, looking proud). Sometimes you have to stand up
for what you believe you're not sure about!" This guy probably calls up phone sex girls for $2.95: (into phone) "I'm not in the mood."
Answering Machine: Did you ever hear one of those corny, positive messages on someone's answering machine? "Hi, It's a great day and I'm out enjoying it right now. I hope you are too. The thought for the day is 'Share the love!' Beeeep!" "Uh, yeah . . . this is the VD clinic calling. Speaking of positive, your test is back. Stop sharing the love!"-
-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=
-=-=-=-=-=-=-=
-=--
Dylan Thomas
Do Not Go Gentle Into That Good Night
Do not go gentle into that good night, Old age should burn and rave at close of day; Rage, rage against the dying of the light. Though wise men at their end know dark is right, Because their words had forked no lightning they Do not go gentle into that good night. Good men, the last wave by, crying how bright Their frail deeds might have danced in a green bay, Rage, rage against the dying of the light. Wild men who caught and sang the sun in flight, And learn, too late, they grieved it on its way, Do not go gentle into that good night. Grave men, near death, who see with blinding sight Blind eyes could blaze like meteors and be gay, Rage, rage against the dying of the light. And you, my father, there on the sad height, Curse, bless me now with your fierce tears, I pray. Do not go gentle into that good night. Rage, rage against the dying of the light.
Subject: Space, time,, and ryhme
Date: Wed, 02 Dec 1998 09:26:36 -0800
From: Magic Mike B <mmb
Organization: http://funandmagic.com/
To: "MagicMailout bcc's" <"MagicMailout bcc's"
Hi, You know, I coulda had a V-8. So I did. On my keyboard.
Rushing in the door, with pisstinitis, I set my can of V-8 down with to
much lateral motion and it tipped over on my keyboard. I yelled, "AAIH",
and turned my keyboard upside down immediately and ran it into the bathroom
and used paper on it upside down. Seems okay! PISSTONITIS (the condition
where the urge to pee is inversely proportional to the distance to the
bathroom after geting within 50 feet of your door (the distance to the
bathroom squared) X (time in seconds squared) X (the actual location of
the door key) X (the number of things you are carrying) X (the number of
arms you are carrying things with) X (the number of rings on the phone
as you approach the door.) The site with most of the astronomy photos seems
to be accessible again. I save many of these to my hard drive photo file
and use both Panorama AND the Screensaver slideshow to point to that folder.
You must tell Panarama to scan the folder to update a file list, and you
must rescan to add new filenames. Screensave Slideshow adds your new ones
just by telling it which folder to look at. Today look at the SOUTHERN
Deep Field of old distant galaxiesk, and a nearby galaxy (only 20 million
light years away) that's been hiding.http://funandmagic.com/photolinks2.htm
ANOTHER MAGIC REMINDER!! When downloading, cancel a few seconds after your
time and download rate show and redo. The second download is usually a
LOT faster. Did you go to the winfile site yet? Let me spoon-feed you two
links that will make you drool in your gruel, it's so cool. http://winfiles.com/apps/98/
http://winfiles.com/apps/98/newapps.html
Have a magic day and pass it on!
Magic Mike
Go see a magic trick http://funandmagic.com/
A group of Americans was touring Ireland. One of the women in the group was a real curmudgeon, constantly complaining.
The bus seats are uncomfortable The food is terrible, it's too hot, it's too cold, the accommodations are awful. The group arrived at the site of the famous Blarney Stone.
"Good luck will be followin' ya all your days if you kiss the Blarney Stone," the guide said. "Unfortunately, it's being cleaned today and so no one will be able to kiss it. Perhaps we can come back tomorrow."
"We can't be here tomorrow," the nasty woman shouted. "We have some other boring tour to go on. So I guess we can't kiss the stupid stone."
"Well now," the guide said, "it is said that if you kiss someone who has kissed the stone, you'll have the same good fortune."
"And I suppose you've kissed the stone," the woman scoffed.
"No, ma'am," the frustrated guide said, "but
I've sat on it."
---=-=-=-=--=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=
Q. What do you see when the Pillsbury Dough Boy bends over? A. Donuts
=--=---=
-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=---=-=
--
Four men were bragging about how smart their dogs were. The first man was
an engineer, the second man was an accountant, the third was a chemist
and the fourth was a government worker.
To show off, the engineer called to his dog. "T-square, do your stuff." T- square trotted over to a desk, took out some paper and a pen and promptly drew a circle, a square and a triangle. Everyone agreed that was pretty smart.
But the accountant said his dog could do better. He called his dog and said "Slide rule" do you stuff." Slide rule went out into the kitchen and returned with a dozen cookies. He divided them into 4 equal piles of 3 cookies each. Everyone agreed that was pretty good.
But the chemist said his dog could do better. He called his dog and said, "Measure, do you stuff." Measure got up, walked over to the fridge, took out a quart of milk, got a 10 ounce glass from the cupboard and poured exactly 8 ounces without spilling a drop. Everyone agreed that was smart.
Then the three men turned to the government worker and said, "what can your dog do?" The government worker called to his dog and said, "Coffee break, do your stuff." Coffee break jumped to his feet, ate the cookies, drank the milk, dumped on the paper, sexually assaulted the other three dogs, claimed he
injured his back while doing so, filed a grievance report
for unsafe working conditions, put in for worker's compensation and went
home on sick leave. ****************************** ******************
***********************
QUOTES
"A computer lets you make more mistakes faster than any other invention in human history, with the possible exception of handguns and tequila." - Mitch Radcliffe
"Time is that quality of nature which keeps events from happening all at once. Lately it doesn't seem to be working." --Anonymous
"Time is an illusion. Lunchtime doubly so." -- Douglas Adams
Funny theories
Results of a contest for "theories" sponsored by Omni magazine.
RUNNERS-UP:
1. If an infinite number of rednecks riding in an infinite number of pickup trucks fire an infinite number of shotgun rounds at an infinite number of highway signs, they will eventually produce all the world's great literary works in Braille.
2. Why Yawning Is Contagious: You yawn to equalize the pressure on your eardrums. This pressure change outside your eardrums unbalances other people's ear pressures, so they must yawn to even it out.
3. Communist China is technologically underdeveloped because they have no alphabet and therefore cannot use acronyms to communicate ideas at a faster rate.
4. The earth may spin faster on its axis due to deforestation. Just as a
figure skater's rate of spin increases when the arms are brought in close to the body,the cutting of tall trees may cause our planet to spin dangerously fast.
HONORABLE MENTION:
The quantity of consonants in the English language is constant. If omitted in one place, they turn up in another. When a Bostonian "pahks" his "cah,"the lost r's migrate southwest, causing a Texan to "warsh" his car and invest in "erl wells."
GRAND PRIZE WINNER: When a cat is dropped, it always lands on its feet, and when toast is dropped, it always lands with the buttered side facing down. I propose to strap buttered toast to the back of a cat; the two will hover, spinning inches above the ground. With a giant buttered cat array, a high- speed monorail could easily link major metropolitan areas.
From a little book called "Disorder in the Court." These are things people actually said in court, word for word.
Q: What is your date of birth? A: July fifteenth. Q: What year? A: Every year.
.- - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - -
.- - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - -
-------------
Q: What gear were you in at the moment of the impact? A: Gucci sweats and Reeboks.
.- - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - -
.- - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - -
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Q: This myasthenia gravis, does it affect your memory at all? A: Yes. Q: And in what ways does it affect your memory? A: I forget. Q: You forget. Can you give us an example of something that you've forgotten?
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Q: How old is your son, the one living with you. A: Thirty-eight or thirty-five, I can't remember which. Q: How long has he lived with you? A: Forty-five years.
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Q: What was the first thing your husband said to you when he woke that morning? A: He said, "Where am I, Cathy?" Q: And why did that upset you? A: My name is Susan.
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Q: And where was the location of the accident? A: Approximately milepost 499. Q: And where is milepost 499? A: Probably between milepost 498 and 500.
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Q: Sir, what is your IQ? A: Well, I can see pretty well, I think.
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Q: Did you blow your horn or anything? A: After the accident? Q: Before the accident. A: Sure, I played for ten years. I even went to school for it.
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Q: Do you know if your daughter has ever been involved in voodoo or the occult? A: We both do. Q: Voodoo? A: We do. Q: You do? A: Yes, voodoo.
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------------ Q: Trooper, when you stopped the defendant, were your red and blue lights flashing? A: Yes. Q: Did the defendant say anything when she got out of her car? A: Yes, sir. Q: What did she say? A: What disco am I at?
Subject: Dali Buterflies
Date: Tue, 01 Dec 1998 10:14:01 -0800
From: Magic Mike B <mmb
Organization: http://funandmagic.com/
To: "MagicMailout bcc's" <"MagicMailout bcc's"
Hi, The astropix site has been down or crowded, so it
has been hard to get thru if you have been trying to get space photos lately.
So let's switch to some more art photos with these butterflies of Dali
at the photlinks page http://funandmagic.com/photolinks2.htm
I sent the How you Can tell... from Pacific Northwest. My family is also
from NorthEAST Pennsylvania. Here's the How you can tell from there. Do
you have some from YOUR area? Send them!
Have a magic day and pass it on.
Magic Mike
See a magic trick and learn how to tie a tie one handed in a second. http://funandmagic.com/
As a little girl climbed onto Santa's lap, Santa asked
the usual,
"And what would you like for Christmas ?"
"Didn't you get my E-mail ?"
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-=-=-=-=-=-=-=
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Following Thomson's physical, Dr. Munro sent his patient a bill. When a
month went by without a remittance, Dr. Munro sent another bill, and then another, and then a fourth, but to no avail.
Finally he sent Thomson a pathetic letter, claiming desperately strained
circumstances and enclosing a shot of his infant daughter. On the back of the snapshot he wrote, "The reason I need the money you owe me!"
Barely a week later a response from Thomson arrived in the mail. Munro ripped it open eagerly, and found himself holding a picture of a gorgeous woman in a mink coat. On the back of the photograph the patient had scrawled, "The reason I can't pay!"
-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-
On Bended Knee
Walking into the bar, Harvey said to the bartender, "Pour me a stiff one, Eddie. I just had another fight with the little woman."
"Oh yeah," said Eddie. "And how did this one end?"
"When it was over," Harvey replied, "she came to me on her hands and knees."
"Really? Now that's a switch! What did she say"?
"She said, 'Come out from under that bed, you gutless weasel!'"
-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-
TOP 20 SIGNS YOU'RE FROM northeast PA
20. You're grandmother, of any nationality, wears a babushka.
19. You think only God has the proper resume to take over after Joe Paterno leaves Penn State.
18. To the rest of the world, Hooters is a restaurant chain. To you it's a band from Philadelphia.
17. You're still not over the break up of Journey.
16. Plaid gives you Catholic school flash backs.
15. You can easily spell and pronounce last names like Wojciechowsky, Ricigliano and Callaghan.
14. You've eaten coal candy.
13. You don't think a stripping hole is an adult club.
12. While the rest of the country is celebrating Fat Tuesday, you're celebrating donut day.
11. You think A-Treat soda is a national brand.
10. You consider a marriage between a person from St. John's and St.Pat's Catholic Churches a mixed marriage.
9. You still have halupkies on New Years day.
8. You want to scream every time a newscaster tries to pronounce Schuylkill.
7. You're shocked to find out no one in your office knows what Yuengling beer is.
6. People wonder why you'd bet dollars to donuts on anything.
5. No matter where you live, you still think it's warmer than Frackville.
4. You're the only person on your street that "straightens the house" before guests come over.
3. You can dodge potholes at 55 m. p. h.
2. You get misty-eyed when you see Mrs. T's pierogies in the frozen food aisle.
And the number one sign you're from NEPA:
1. You can polka with the best of them!
