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These jokes are to laugh at ourselves, so please
do not take offense.
"Since all phenomena, is a product of one's own mind, empty of meaning,
like a magician's illusion,
having nothing to do with good or bad, acceptance or rejection, one might
burst out in laughter."
- Longchenpa, 13th century Tibetan monk.
Date: Mon, 30 Nov 1998 10:29:26 -0800
From: Magic Mike B <mmb
Organization: http://funandmagic.com/
To: MagicMailout
Hi, Another day, another yellow-green-electric HELLO DOLLAR!
Here's a Milky Way bar to chew on with a comet going thru! http://funandmagic.com/photolinks2.htm
Go to the photolink page for a daily desktop photo. Can YOU say that six
times fast? thatthatthatthatthatthat
Have a magic day and pass it on!
Magic Mike
Want to see me pull a rabbit out of my hat? Sorry, I don't do that. They
shit in your clothes. See a card rise out of a glass, though, at http://funandmagic.com/newspapersalesmagic.htmStupid questions on forms with equally stupid answers. Here are a few...
Form: Length of Residence... Answer: 73 feet
Form: Are you a leader or a follower ? Answer: A leader, but w/o many followers
Form: Reason for requesting employment Answer: Money
Form: Pet Aversions Answer: None, I love animals
Form: Beneficiary Answer: Wife Form: Relationship Answer: Strained
Form: Purpose of withdraw Answer: Get money to spend
Form: Person to notify in Case of Accident Answer: Anyone in sight
Form: Number of passengers in vehicle during accident Answer: Three Form: Disposition of passengers Answer: Mad as Hell!
Form: Number of employees in your office, broken down by sex Answer: None that I know of, liquor a much larger problem
-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=
-=-=-=-=-=-=-=
-=-=-=
---- A professor watched while a mechanic removed engine parts from his
car to get to the valves. A surgeon, waiting for his car to be repaired,
walked over to observe the process. After they introduced themselves, they
began talking and the talk turned to their lines of work.
"You know, doctor," the professor said, "I sometimes believe this type of work is complicated as the work we do."
"Perhaps," the surgeon replied. "But let's see him do it while the engine is running." =-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=
-=-=-=-=-=-=-=
-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=
-Top 10 Rejection Lines Given By Women
(and what they actually mean)
10. I think of you as a brother. (You remind me of that inbred banjo- playing geek in "Deliverance"
9. There's a slight difference in our ages. (I don't want to do my dad.)
8. I'm not attracted to you in 'that' way. (You are the ugliest dork I've ever laid eyes on.)
7. My life is too complicated right now. (I don't want you spending the whole night or else you may hear phone calls fromall the other guys I'm seeing.)
6. I've got a boyfriend. (I prefer my male cat and a half gallon of Ben and Jerry's.)
5. I don't date men where I work. (I wouldn't date you if you were in the same 'solar system', much less the same building.)
4. It's not you, it's me. (It's you.)
3. I'm concentrating on my career. (Even something as boring and unfulfilling as my job is better than dating you.)
2. I'm celibate. (I've sworn off only the men like you.)
1. Let's be friends. (I want you to stay around so I can tell you in excruciating detail about all the other men I meet and have sex with. It's the male perspective thing.)
In response...The male perspective on the same issue...-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=
-=-=-=-=-=-=-=
-=-=-=-
- Top 10 rejection lines given by Men
(and what they actually mean...)
10. I think of you as a sister. (You're ugly.)
9. There's a slight difference in our ages. (You're ugly.)
8. I'm not attracted to you in 'that' way. (You're ugly.)
7. My life is too complicated right now. (You're ugly.)
6. I've got a girlfriend. (You're ugly.)
5. I don't date women where I work. (You're ugly.)
4. It's not you, it's me. (You're ugly.)
3. I'm concentrating on my career. (You're ugly.)
2. I'm celibate. (You're ugly.)
1. Let's be friends. (You're sinfully ugly.)-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=
-=-=-=-=-=-=-=
-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-==
We convince ourselves that life will be better after we get married, have
a baby, then another. Then we are frustrated that the kids aren't old enough
and we'll be more content when they are. After that, we're frustrated that
we have teenagers to deal with. We will certainly be happy when they are
out of that stage. We tell ourselves that our life will be complete when
our spouse gets his or her act together, when we get a nicer car, are able
to go on a nice vacation, when we retire.
The truth is, there's no better time to be happy than right now. If not now, when?
Your life will always be filled with challenges. It's best to admit this to yourself and decide to be happy anyway. One of my favorite quotes comes from Alfred D. Souza. He said, "For a long time it had seemed to me that life was about to begin - real life. But there was always some obstacle in the way, something to be gotten through first, some unfinished business, time still to be served, a debt to be paid. Then life would begin. At last it dawned on me that these obstacles were my life".
This perspective has helped me to see that there is no way to happiness.
Happiness is the way. So, treasure every moment that you have. Treasure it more because you shared it with someone special, special enough to spend your time...and remember that time waits for no one...
So stop waiting until you finish school, until you go back to school, until you lose ten pounds, until you gain ten pounds, until you have kids, until your kids leave the house, until you start work, until you retire, until you get married, until you get divorced, until Friday night, until Sunday morning, until you get a new car or home, until your car or home is paid off, until spring, until summer, until fall, until winter, until you are off welfare, until the first or fifteenth, until your song comes on, until you've had a drink, until you've sobered up, until you die, until you are born again to decide that there is no better time than right now to be happy...
Happiness is a journey, not a destination.
Thought for the Day: Work like you don't need money, Love like you've never been hurt, And dance like no one's watching.
LOVE PEOPLE AND USE THINGS
I am a mother of three (ages 14, 12, 3) and have recently completed my college degree. The last class I had to take was Sociology. The teacher was absolutely inspiring with the qualities that I wish every human being had been graced with. Her last project of the term was called "Smile." The class was asked to go out and smile at three people and document their reaction. I am a very friendly person and always smile at everyone and say, hello anyway.....so, I thought, this would be a piece of cake literally. Soon after we were assigned the project, my husband, youngest son, and I went out to McDonalds, one crisp March morning. It was just our way of sharing special play time with our son. We were standing in line, waiting to be served, when all of a suddeneveryone around us began to back away, and then even my husband did. I did not move an inch...an overwhelming feeling of panic welled up inside of me as I turned to see why they had moved. As I turned around I smelled a horrible "dirty body" smell... and there standing behind me were two poor homeless men. As I looked down at the short gentleman, close to me, he was "smiling". His beautiful sky blue eyes were full of God's Light as he searched for acceptance. He said, "Good day" as he counted the few coins he had been clutching. The second man fumbled with his hands as he stood behind his friend. I realized the second man was mentally deficient and the blue eyed gentle man was his salvation. I held my tears....as I stood there with them. The young lady at the counter asked him what they wanted. He said, "Coffee is all Miss" because that was all they could afford. To sit in the restaurant and warm up, they had to buy something...they just wanted to be warm. Then I really felt it...the compulsion was so great I almost reached out
and embraced the little man with the blue eyes. That is when I noticed all eyes in the restaurant were set on me...judging my every action. I smiled and asked the young lady behind the counter to give me two more breakfast meals on a separate tray. I then walked around the corner to the table that the men
had chosen as a resting spot. I put the tray on the table and laid my hand on the blue eyed gentleman's cold hand. He looked up at me, with tears in his eyes, and said, "Thank you." I leaned over, began to pat his hand and said,"I did not do this for you...God is here working through me to give you hope." I started to cry as I walked away to join my husband and son. When I sat down my husband smiled at me and said, "That is why God gave you to me honey....to give me hope." We held hands for moment and at that time we knew that only because of the Grace that we had been given that we were able to give. We are not church goers but we are believers. That day showed me the pure Light of God's sweet love.
I returned to college, on the last evening of class, with this story in hand. I turned in "my project" and the instructor read it....then she looked up at me and said, "Can I share this?" I slowly nodded as she got
the attention of the class. She began to read and that is when I knew that we, as human beings and being part of God, share this need to heal people and be healed. In my own way I had touched the people at McDonalds, my husband,son, instructor, and every soul that shared the classroom on the last night I spent as a college student. I graduated with one of the biggest lessons I would ever learn....UNCONDITIONAL ACCEPTANCE.
Much love and compassion is being sent to each and every person who may read this. Learn how to LOVE PEOPLE AND USE THINGS - NOT LOVE THINGS AND USE PEOPLE. http://funandmagic.com/magicjokeparlor.htm
Subject: Lucinda Parker. free stuff,and funnies.
Date: Sat, 28 Nov 1998 14:46:15 -0800
From: Magic Mike B <mmb
Organization: http://funandmagic.com/
To: "Magic Mike Mailout bcc's" <mmb
Hi,
Here's some good stuff! First, wallpaper from American abtract artist Lucinda
Parker. Stop by the photolinks page http://funandmagic.com/photolinks2.htm
(copy and bookmark this new link). Also, how about a bunch of free software.
REMEMBER, shareware wants money. Either it has less features, locks up,
or has a nag screen. Freeware is free. Now here are scads of stuff for
Windows http://winfiles.com/ And hetre's two interesting sites to explore.
http://www.sirius.com/~monde/ http://www.cea.edu/zooop/index.html
Have a magic day and pass it on.
Magic Mike
Go see a magic trick! http://funandmagic.com/FUNNY, ISN'T IT ?
Funny how twenty dollars looks like a lot of money when we're about
to make a donation to charity, but it looks so small when we take it to
buy bread and milk.
Funny how long an hour of time feels to go to church, but how short it seems when we're online, fishing or playing games..
Funny how we hate cutting the grass, but look forward to walking the length of a golf course for exercise.
Funny how we watch our weight by washing down our hamburgers and fries with diet cola.
Funny how we speed up to get the next stop light sooner.
Funny how we can comprehend novels in detail that are 500 pages long, but can't seem to figure out what the one sentence Golden Rule means.
Funny how we can't think of anything to say when we pray but can talk to our friends non-stop for hours.
Funny how we need 2-3 weeks advance notice to schedule a meeting with a civic organization, but when it comes to going out to eat or drink with friends, we only need 2 minutes to get ready.
Funny, isn't it ?-
-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=
-=-=-=
A THANKSGIVING POEM
Twas the night of Thanksgiving, but I just couldn't sleep I tried counting backwards, I tried counting sheep.
The leftovers beckoned-- the dark meat and white, but I fought the temptation with all of my might.
Tossing and turning with anticipation, the thought of a snack became infatuation.
So, I raced to the kitchen, flung open the door and gazed at the fridge, full of goodies galore.
I gobbled up turkey and buttered potatoes, pickles and carrots, beans and tomatoes.
I felt myself swelling so plump and so round, till all of a sudden, I rose off the ground.
I crashed through the ceiling, floating into the sky With a mouthful of pudding and a handful of pie
But, I managed to yell as I soared past the trees....... happy eating to all---pass the cranberries, please-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=
-=-=-=-=-=Think about this
If you mixed vodka with orange juice and milk of magnesia, would you get a Philip's Screwdriver?
Why do we say something is out of whack? What is a whack?
Do infants enjoy infancy as much as adults enjoy adultery?
If a pig loses its voice, is it disgruntled?
Why do women wear evening gowns to nightclubs? Shouldn't they be wearing night gowns?
If love is blind, why is lingerie so popular?
When someone asks you, "A penny for your thoughts," and you put your two cents in, what happens to the other penny?
Why is the man who invests all your money called a broker?
Why do croutons come in airtight packages? It's just stale bread to begin with.
When cheese gets it's picture taken, what does it say?
Why is a person who plays the piano called a pianist, but a person who drives a race car not called a racist?
Why are a wise man and a wise guy opposites?
Why do overlook and oversee mean opposite things?
If horrific means to make horrible, does terrific mean to make terrible?
Why isn't 11 pronounced onety one?
"I am " is reportedly the shortest sentence in the English language. Could it be that "I do " is the longest sentence?
If people from Poland are called "Poles," why aren't people from Holland called "Holes?"
The Smiths were dining out when his wife noticed a familiar face at the bar. "Honey," she said as she pointed the guy out, "that guy at the bar has been drinking like that since I left him seven years ago." Her husband said, "That's silly, no one celebrates that much!"
A representative for a condom company was on her way to an international condom convention. While rushing through the airport, she dropped her briefcase carrying her samples, scattering condoms across the floor. She noticed a passersby looking at her as she tried to get the condoms back into her briefcase. "It's okay," she said. "I'm going to a convention."
A young woman was appearing in court to face a public disorder charge. When her name was called out in the court foyer, she brushed her hair, checked her make-up, took a deep breath, and walked into the court and took to the witness stand. The charges were read out, and she was asked how she pleaded. "Not guilty," the woman answered emphatically. The prosecution council then approached the woman and said: "Is it true that on the 11th of December, last year, you committed an act of gross indecency with a one-legged dwarf, who was waving a union jack, on the roof of a car, whilst travelling at over 100 mph through the centre of London, in a blizzard?" The woman composed herself, looked straight at the prosecution council and calmly said: "What was the date again?"!
Did you ever think that if the Pilgrims had shot a bobcat instead of a turkey, that we'd all be eating pussy on Thanksgiving?
Subject: Flowers from Japan, Northwest living, new Monicas, and more
Date: Fri, 27 Nov 1998 09:37:36 -0800
From: Magic Mike B <mmb
Organization: http://funandmagic.com/
To: "Magic Mike Mailout bcc's" <mmb Hi,
What's new with you? I hope you left room for dessert. The astronomy pics today didn't seem desktop material, so let's take a little trip to Japan to see beautiful flowers at the Kenichi Takemoto Photo Gallery, at the photolinks page, http://funandmagic.com/photolinks2.htm I have picked up a new domain name, " funandmagic.com". I was bummed that back in May I delayed switching to my current ISP which allows domains for a small fee. Because I had waited a week, I missed by 3 days getting magicmike.com. A disco DJ from New Jersey named Magic Mike took it. I didn't really want a hybrid and magic.net and magic.com were taken, so I have broke down and taken funandmagic.com. From now on mail me at... mmb and change your book marks because the magic, joke, and photo pages will have the URL http://funandmagic.com/photolinks2.htm tomorrow. "
Have a magic day, and you know the drill. Pass it on!
Magic Mike
http://funandmagic.com/ (See a magic trick)
=
-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=
-=-=-=-=-=-=-=
You know you live in the Northwest if you. . .
-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=
-=-=-=
The Globe reported today that Monica Lewinsky recently went to a plastic
surgeon. Stung by all the jokes about being overweight, she was thinking
about having her love handles removed. However, she decided not to go through
with it after the doctor told her that removing both ears would cause complete
and total deafness.
-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=
-=-=-=-=-=-=--=
Monica walks into her dry cleaning store and tells the guy, "I've
got another dress for you to clean."
Slightly hard of hearing, the clerk replies, "Come
again?" "No," says Monica. "Mustard." **********************************************Business Jargon...
ASSMOSIS - The process by which some people seem to absorb success and
advancement by kissing up to the boss.
ADMINISPHERE - The rarefied organizational layers beginning just above the rank and file. Decisions that fall from the adminisphere are often profoundly inappropriate or irrelevant to the problems they were designed to solve.
DILBERTED - To be exploited and oppressed by your boss. Derived from the experiences of Dilbert, the geek-in-hell comic strip character. "I've been dilberted again. The old man revised the specs for the fourth time this week."
FLIGHT RISK - Used to describe employees who are suspected of planning to leave the company or department soon.
404 - Someone who's clueless. From the World Wide Web error message "404 Not Found," meaning that the requested document could not be located. "Don't bother asking him . . . he's 404, man."
GENERICA - Features of the American landscape that are exactly the same no matter where one is, such as fast food joints, strip malls, subdivisions. Used as in "We were so lost in generica that I forgot what city we were in."
OHNOSECOND - That minuscule fraction of time in which you realize that you've just made a BIG mistake.
PERCUSSIVE MAINTENANCE - The fine art of whacking the crap out of an electronic device to get it to work again.
UMFRIEND - A sexual relation of dubious standing or a
concealed intimate relationship, as in "This is Dyan, my ... um ...
friend."
-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=--=--=-=-=-=--=-
TOP TEN REASONS GOD CREATED EVE (written by Eve of course)
10. God worried that Adam would always be lost in the garden because men hate to ask for directions.
9. God knew that Adam would one day need someone to hand him the TV remote. (Men don't want to see what's ON television, they want to see WHAT ELSE is on!)
8. God knew that Adam would never buy a new fig leaf when his seat wore out and would Eve would buy one for him.
7. God knew that Adam would never make a doctor's appointment for himself.
6. God knew that Adam would never remember which day was garbage day.
5. God knew that if the world was to be populated, men would never be able to handle childbearing.
4. As "Keeper of the Garden," Adam would never remember where he put his tools.
3. The scripture account of creation indicates Adam needed someone to blame his troubles on when God caught him hiding in the garden.
2. As the Bible says, "It is not good for man to be alone!"
1. When God finished the creation of Adam, He stepped back, scratched His head and said, "I can do better than that."-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=
-=-=-=-=--=-=-=-==-==
Santa's Really Bitter T'was the night before Christmas -
Old Santa was pissed He cussed out the elves and threw down his list
Miserable little brats, ungrateful little jerks I have good mind to scrap
the whole works
I've busted my ass for damn near a year Instead of "Thanks Santa" - what do I hear The old lady bitches cause I work late at night The elves want more money - The reindeer all fight
Rudolph got drunk and goosed all the maids Donner is pregnant and Vixen has AIDS And just when I thought that things would get better Those assholes from IRS sent me a letter
They say I owe taxes - if that ain't damn funny Who the hell ever sent Santa Clause any money And the kids these days - they all are the pits They want the impossible ...Those mean little shits
I spent a whole year making wagons and sleds Assembling dolls...Their arms, legs and heads I made a ton of yo yo's - No request for them They want computers and robots...they think I'm IBM! If you think that's bad...just picture this Try holding those brats...with their pants full of piss They pull on my nose - they grab at my beard And if I don't smile..the parents think I'm weird
Flying through the air...dodging the trees Falling down chimneys and skinning my knees I'm quitting this job...there's just no enjoyment I'll sit on my fat ass and draw unemployment There's no Christmas this year...now you know the reason I found me a blonde.. I'm going SOUTH for the season!! parlor.htmSubject: Bluesday, Leonnid meteors, TriceratopsDate: Tue, 24 Nov 1998 09:17:41 -0800
From: Magic Mike B <mmb
Organization: http://funandmagic.com/
To: "Magic Mike Mailout bcc's" <mmb
Hi,
Tuesday, bluesday. Listen to some cool jazz on KSDS http://webworldmall.com/Jazz88/
Here's a picture of some Triceratops have a nice day, even though a
volcano is exploding in the background. Also, seven Leonid meteors in time
lapse over Wise observatory in Israel. http://funandmagic.com/photolinks2.htm
Well, a bunch of funny storms are coming our way. We had one last night
in Seattle with 60 mile per hour winds. I KNEW we shouldn't have taken
those rocks off the moon in 1969. Another doomsday cult has left Denver
and is in Israel. Doomers need to GET A LIFE. heh heh, but that's their
problem.
No one wished them a MAGIC DAY! Pass it on.
Magic Mike
Go see a magic trick http://funandmagic.com/"So I was getting into my car, and this bloke says to me "Can
you give me a lift?"
I said "Sure, ... you look great, the world's your
oyster, go for it.'"
-==-=-
-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=---=-=
-=--=
A man walks round a supermarket. As he goes through the different sections he picks up one of everything: one tin of beans, one carrot, one potato, one pint of milk, one pizza, one juice, one apple, one box of crackers, one bag of chips, etc.
He gets to the checkout and the girl says "I bet your single, aren't you?"
"Yes, how did you guess?" he replies.
"Cause you're an ugly son of a bitch." she says.-=-=-=--=-==--=--=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=--==--=
Why Men Can't Win
If you work too hard, there is never any time for her. If you don't work enough, you're a good-for-nothing bum.
If she has a boring repetitive job with low pay, it's exploitation. If you have a boring repetitive job with low pay, you should get off your butt and find something better.
If you get a promotion ahead of her, it's favoritism. If she gets a job ahead of you, it's equal opportunity.
If you mention how nice she looks, it's sexual harassment. If you keep quiet, it's male indifference.
If you cry, you're a wimp. If you don't, you're insensitive.
If you make a decision without consulting her, you're a chauvinist. If she makes a decision without consulting you, she's a liberated woman.
If you ask her to do something she doesn't enjoy, that's domination. If she asks you, it's a favor.
If you try to keep yourself in shape, you're vain. If you don't, you're a slob.
If you buy her flowers, you're after something. If you don't, you're not thoughtful.
If you're proud of your achievements, you're an egotist. If you're not, you're not ambitious.
If she has a headache, she's tired. If you have a headache, you don't love her anymore.
Subject: Flowers from Japan, Northwest living, new Monicas, and more
Date: Fri, 27 Nov 1998 09:37:36 -0800
From: Magic Mike B <mmb
Organization: http://funandmagic.com/
To: "Magic Mike Mailout bcc's" <mmb Hi,
What's new with you? I hope you left room for dessert. The astronomy pics today didn't seem desktop material, so let's take a little trip to Japan to see beautiful flowers at the Kenichi Takemoto Photo Gallery, at the photolinks page, http://funandmagic.com/photolinks2.htm I have picked up a new domain name, " funandmagic.com". I was bummed that back in May I delayed switching to my current ISP which allows domains for a small fee. Because I had waited a week, I missed by 3 days getting magicmike.com. A disco DJ from New Jersey named Magic Mike took it. I didn't really want a hybrid and magic.net and magic.com were taken, so I have broke down and taken funandmagic.com. From now on mail me at... mmb and change your book marks because the magic, joke, and photo pages will have the URL http://funandmagic.com/photolinks2.htm tomorrow.
Have a magic day, and you know the drill. Pass it on!
Magic Mike
http://funandmagic.com/ (See a magic trick) =
-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=
-=-=-=-=-=-=-=
You know you live in the Northwest if you. . .
=
-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=
-=-=-=
The Globe reported today that Monica Lewinsky recently went to a plastic
surgeon. Stung by all the jokes about being overweight, she was thinking
about having her love handles removed. However, she decided not to go through
with it after the doctor told her that removing both ears would cause complete
and total deafness.
-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=
-=-=-=-=-=-=--=
Monica walks into her dry cleaning store and tells the guy, "I've
got another dress for you to clean."
Slightly hard of hearing, the clerk replies, "Come again?" "No," says Monica. "Mustard." **********************************************Business Jargon...
ASSMOSIS - The process by which some people seem to absorb success and advancement by kissing up to the boss.
BLAMESTORMING - Sitting around in a group discussing why a deadline was missed or a project failed and who was responsible.
SEAGULL MANAGER - A manager who flies in, makes a lot of noise, shits over everything and then leaves.
SALMON DAY - The experience of spending an entire day swimming upstream only to get screwed and die in the end.
CHAINSAW CONSULTANT - An outside expert brought in to reduce the employee head count, leaving the brass with clean hands.
CLM - Career Limiting Move - Used among microserfs to describe ill-advised activity. Trashing your boss while he or she is within earshot is serious CLM.
ADMINISPHERE - The rarefied organizational layers beginning just above the rank and file. Decisions that fall from the adminisphere are often profoundly inappropriate or irrelevant to the problems they were designed to solve.
DILBERTED - To be exploited and oppressed by your boss. Derived from the experiences of Dilbert, the geek-in-hell comic strip character. "I've been dilberted again. The old man revised the specs for the fourth time this week."
FLIGHT RISK - Used to describe employees who are suspected of planning to leave the company or department soon.
404 - Someone who's clueless. From the World Wide Web error message "404 Not Found," meaning that the requested document could not be located. "Don't bother asking him . . . he's 404, man."
GENERICA - Features of the American landscape that are exactly the same no matter where one is, such as fast food joints, strip malls, subdivisions. Used as in "We were so lost in generica that I forgot what city we were in."
OHNOSECOND - That minuscule fraction of time in which you realize that you've just made a BIG mistake.
PERCUSSIVE MAINTENANCE - The fine art of whacking the crap out of an electronic device to get it to work again.
UMFRIEND - A sexual relation of dubious standing or a
concealed intimate relationship, as in "This is Dyan, my ... um ...
friend."
-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=--=--=-=-=-=--=-
TOP TEN REASONS GOD CREATED EVE (written by Eve of course)
10. God worried that Adam would always be lost in the garden because men hate to ask for directions.
9. God knew that Adam would one day need someone to hand him the TV remote. (Men don't want to see what's ON television, they want to see WHAT ELSE is on!)
8. God knew that Adam would never buy a new fig leaf when his seat wore out and would Eve would buy one for him.
7. God knew that Adam would never make a doctor's appointment for himself.
6. God knew that Adam would never remember which day was garbage day.
5. God knew that if the world was to be populated, men would never be able to handle childbearing.
4. As "Keeper of the Garden," Adam would never remember where he put his tools.
3. The scripture account of creation indicates Adam needed someone to blame his troubles on when God caught him hiding in the garden.
2. As the Bible says, "It is not good for man to be alone!"
1. When God finished the creation of Adam, He stepped back, scratched His head and said, "I can do better than that."
-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=
-=-=-=-=--=-=-=-==-==
Santa's Really Bitter T'was the night before Christmas - Old Santa was pissed He cussed out the elves and threw down his list Miserable little brats, ungrateful little jerks I have good mind to scrap the whole works
I've busted my ass for damn near a year Instead of "Thanks Santa" - what do I hear The old lady bitches cause I work late at night The elves want more money - The reindeer all fight
Rudolph got drunk and goosed all the maids Donner is pregnant and Vixen has AIDS And just when I thought that things would get better Those assholes from IRS sent me a letter
They say I owe taxes - if that ain't damn funny Who the hell ever sent Santa Clause any money And the kids these days - they all are the pits They want the impossible ...Those mean little shits
I spent a whole year making wagons and sleds Assembling dolls...Their arms, legs and heads I made a ton of yo yo's - No request for them They want computers and robots...they think I'm IBM! If you think that's bad...just picture this Try holding those brats...with their pants full of piss They pull on my nose - they grab at my beard And if I don't smile..the parents think I'm weird
Flying through the air...dodging the trees Falling down chimneys and skinning my knees I'm quitting this job...there's just no enjoyment I'll sit on my fat ass and draw unemployment There's no Christmas this year...now you know the reason I found me a blonde.. I'm going SOUTH for the season!! parlor.htmSubject: Exploding meteor movie, Big cats, a few yucks, a few bucks
Date: Mon, 23 Nov 1998 09:52:26 -0800 F
rom: Magic Mike B <mmb
Organization: http://funandmagic.com/
Hi,
Here's a fun filled one for you. See a meteor explode in 30 frames. Also
two big cats for your desktop from Bonpei;s site in Japan. At the photo
page http://funandmagic.com/photolinks2.htmAre you interested in Tai Chi? http://www.wuji.com/ Did you listen to any of Starr's testimony? I always
wondered how he was picked when he is so biased. Now I see he didn't say
he was dealing with Paula Jones and Linda Tripp when it came time to pick.
Also, he made light of the day he had Monica hysterical for 10 hours crying.
They told her, you don't need to call your mommy. The girl goes to meet
her "friend" for lunch and is surrounded by Justice cops. it
became obvious that Starr was pissed he couldn't get Clinton on anything,
so he gives us, for $40 million, what Monica didn't give Bill.
Thank Ken Starr and the Republican right when you pay your taxes.
Have a magic day and pass it on.
Magic Mike
See a magic trick http://funandmagic.com/
The receptionist replies "I'm sorry but he died last week."
The next day he phones again and asks the same question.
The receptionist replies "I told you yesterday, he died last week."The next day the guy calls again and asks to speak to his lawyer.
By this time the receptionist is getting a little annoyed and says "
I keep telling you that your lawyer died last week.
Why do you keep calling?"
The guy says, "Because I just love hearing it."
-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=
-=
-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=---=-=
---=--=--=
OLD AGE
My wife says she's just turned 30 -- it was a U-turn.
Nowadays my feet hurt even before I get out of bed.
The hardest things for me to raise in my garden are my knees.
At sixty-five you begin to regret the sins you did not commit.
I must be getting old -- all my dreams about girls are reruns.
It's not how old you are, but how you are old.
In youth we run into difficulties, in old age difficulties run into us.Growing old has one advantage: you'll never have to do it over again.
The trouble with old age is that there's not much of a future in it.
--=-=-=-=-=-=--=-=-=-=-=-=-
-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=
-=-=-
WISE INVESTMENT OF GREAT URGENCY (Not MLM)
Dear Investors,
This is of the utmost urgency. The following is the "sleeper of all
sleepers." Please send your check in the amount of $50,000 immediately.
We are limiting each participant to one unit. You can understand after
reading this once in a lifetime offer.
A group of us are considering investing in a large cat ranch near Hermosillo, Mexico. It is our purpose to start rather small with about one million cats. Each cat averages about twelve kittens a year; skins can be sold for about 20 cents for the white ones and up to 40 cents for the black. This will give us twelve million cat skins per year to sell at an average price of around 32 cents, making our gross revenue about $3 million a year. This really averages out to about $10,000 a day (excluding Sundays and holidays, of course).
A good Mexican cat man can skin about 50 cats each day, at a wage of $13.15 a day. It will take 663 men to operate the ranch, so the net profit would be over $8,200 per day. Your $50,000 investment would be recovered in 6.1 days, which beats the stock market don't ya know.
Now, the cats would be fed on rats exclusively. Rats multiply four times faster than cats. We would start a rat ranch adjacent to our cat farm for the rats. If we start with a million rats, we will have four rats per cat per day. The rats will be fed on the carcasses of the cats that we skin.
This will give each rat a quarter of a cat. You can see by this that the business is a clean operation; self-supporting and really automatic throughout. The cats will eat the rats and the rats will eat the cats and we will get the skins. Eventually, it is our hope to cross the cats with snakes, for they will skin themselves twice a year. This would save the labor cost of skinning, as well as give us two skins per cat.
Time is of the essence. Any hesitation on your part would be sheer disaster. Become a millionaire with us through knowledgeable investments.
Send your cashier's check today.
(heh heh. send this to every one who sends you a money scheme - mm)
Subject: Catch Some Falling StardustDate: Sat, 21 Nov 1998 13:50:01 -0800
From: Magic Mike B <mmb
Organization: http://funandmagic.com/
Hi,
Catch some falling stardust, put it in your pocket, save
it for a rainy day. It is the trail of a meteroid through the high-tech
substance aerogel exposed to space by the shuttle launched EURECA (European
Recoverable Carrier) spacecraft. Go to today's photolink http://funandmagic.com/photolinks2.htm
This is going to make you chuckle http://home.pix.za/mk/mk53/sex_sex_sex.htm
Have a magic day and pass it on.
Magic Mike
Go see a magic trick http://funandmagic.com/
WORK
Never give me work in the morning. Always wait until 4pm and then bring it in to me. The challenge of a deadline is refreshing.
If it's a rush job, run in and interrupt me every 10 minutes to inquire how I am doing. That helps. Or even better, hover behind me,advising me at every keystroke.
Always leave without telling anyone where you are going.It gives me a chance to be creative when someone asks where you are.
If my arms are full of papers, boxes, books or supplies, don't open the door for me.I need to learn how to function as a paraplegic and opening doors with no arms is good training.
If you give me more than one job to do, don't tell me which is the priority. I am psychic.
Do your best to keep me late.I adore this office and really have nowhere to go or anything to do. I have no life beyond work.
If a job I do pleases you, keep it a secret.If that gets out, it could mean a promotion.
If you don't like my work, tell everyone. I like my name to be popular in conversations. I was born to be whipped.
If you have special instructions for a job, don't write them down.In fact, save them until the job is almost done. No use confusing me with useful information.
Never introduce me to people you are with. I have no right to know anything. In the corporate food chain, I am plankton. When you rrefer to them later, my shrewd deductions will identify them.
Be nice to me only when the job I am doing for you could really change your life and send you straight to manager's hell.
Tell me all your little problems. No one else has any, and its nice to know someone is less fortunate.I especially like the story about having to pay so much taxes on the bonus check you received for being such a good manager.
Wait until my yearly review and THEN tell me what my goal SHOULD have been. Give me a mediocre performance rating with a cost of living increase.I'm not here for the money anyway.-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=
-=-=-=-=-=-=-=
-=-=-=-=-=-=-=
HOW TO COOK A TURKEY
Step 1: Go buy a turkey
Step 2: Take a drink of whiskey, scotch, or JD
Step 3: Put turkey in the oven
Step 4: Take another 2 drinks of whiskey
Step 5: Set the degree at 375 ovens
Step 6: Take 3 more whiskeys of drink
Step 7: Turn oven the on
Step 8: Take 4 whisks of drinky
Step 9: Turk the bastey
Step 10: Whiskey another bottle of get
Step 11: Stick a turkey in the thermometer
Step 12: Glass yourself a pour of whiskey
Step 13: Bake the whiskey for 4 hours
Step 14: Take the oven out of the turkey
Step 15: Take the oven out of the turkey
Step 16: Floor the turkey up off the pick
Step 17: Turk the carvey
Step 18: Get yourself another scottle of botch
Step 19: Tet the sable and pour yourself a glass of turkey
Step 20: Bless the saying, pass and eat out
Subject: TBIF, Great Balls of Fire, Ignorance is Bliss
Date: Fri, 20 Nov 1998 08:48:18 -0800
From: Magic Mike B <mmb
Organization: http://funandmagic.com/
"To: "Magic Mike Mailout bcc's" <mmb
Hi,
TBIF. (I'm giving this one to the Buddha). From APOD,
"Goodness, Gracious, Green Balls Of Fire!", might have been an
appropriate theme song title for the 1998 Leonid meteor shower. Many observers,
like astrophotographer Steve Dunn watching from Cape Canaveral, Florida,
USA, reported that a lot of the characteristically bright Leonid meteors
had a greenish tint. Around 6:00 AM EST on November 17, he photographed
this dazzling Leonid fireball leaving a striking green-to-white trail against
a background of stars in the constellation Coma Bernices." Go to the
photolinks http://funandmagic.com/photolinks2.htm Well, it's holiday time, that psychotic period of elation
and depression. Expectations versus reality. What is reality? Change your
mind. Oh, nevermind. Never Mind. Ignorance is bliss. Ah........ Time to
join TA. Thinker's Anon. Just how bad do I want to solve Stephen V. Rosin's
puzzle? Steve sends the TA.
Have yourself a merry little MAGIC DAY. and pass it on. and on. and on.Magic Mike
http://funandmagic.com/
It started out innocently enough. I began to think at parties now and
then to loosen up. Inevitably though, one thought led to another, and soon
I was more than just a social thinker.
I began to think alone--"to relax," I told myself--but I knew it wasn't true.
Thinking became more and more important to me, and finally I was thinking all the time. I began to think on the job. I knew that thinking and employment don't mix, but I couldn't stop myself.
I began to avoid friends at lunchtime so I could read Thoreau and Kafka. I would return to the office dizzied and confused, asking, "What is it, exactly, that we're doing here?"
Things weren't going so great at home, either. One evening I had turned off the TV and asked my wife about the meaning of life. She spent that night at her mother's.
I soon had a reputation as a heavy thinker. One day the boss called me into his office. He said, "I like you, and it hurts me to say this, but your thinking has become a real problem. If you don't stop thinking on the job, you'll have to find another job."
This gave me a lot to think about.
I came home early after my conversation with the boss. "Honey," I confessed, "I've been thinking. . . ."
"I know you've been thinking," she said, "and I want a divorce!"
"But Honey, surely it's not that serious!"
"It is serious," she said, lower lip aquiver.
"You think as much as college professors, and college professors don't make any money, so if you keep on thinking we won't have any money!"
"That's a faulty syllogism," I said impatiently, and she began to cry. I'd had enough. "I'm going to the library," I snarled as I stomped out the door. I headed for the library, in the mood for some Nietzsche. I roared into the parking lot and ran up to the big glass doors. They didn't open: the library was closed! As I sank to the ground, clawing at the unfeeling glass, whimpering for Zarathustra, a poster caught my eye. "Friend, is heavy thinking ruining your life?" it asked. You probably recognize that line. It comes from the standard Thinkers Anonymous poster.
Which is why I am what I am today: a recovering thinker. I never miss a TA meeting.
At each meeting we watch a noneducational video; last week it was "Porky's." Then we share experiences about how we avoided thinking since the last meeting. I still have my job, and things are a lot better at home. Life just seems easier, somehow, now that I've stopped thinking. "-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=
-=-=-=-=-=-=-=
-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-
kids say the darnest things
Never trust a dog to watch your food. Patrick, Age 10
When you want something expensive, ask your grandparents. Matthew, Age 12
Never smart off to a teacher whose eyes and ears are twitching. Andrew, Age 9
Wear a hat when feeding seagulls. Rocky, Age 9
Sleep in your clothes so you'll be dressed in the morning. Stephanie, Age 8
Never try to hide a piece of broccoli in a glass of milk. Rosemary, Age 7
Don't flush the john when you dad's in the shower. Lamar, Age 10
Never ask for anything that costs more than five dollars when your
parents are doing taxes. Carrol, Age 9
Never bug a pregnant mom. Nicholas, Age 11
Don't ever be too full for dessert. Kelly, Age 10
When your dad is mad and asks you, "Do I look stupid?" don't answer him. Heather, Age 16
Never tell your mom her diet's not working. Michael, Age 14
Don't pick on your sister when she's holding a baseball bat. Joel, Age 12
When you get a bad grade in school, show it to your mom when she's
on the phone. Alyesha, Age 13
Never try to baptize a cat. Laura, Age 13
Never spit when on a roller coaster. Scott, Age 11
Never do pranks at a police station. Sam, Age 10
Beware of cafeteria food when it looks like it's moving. Rob, Age 10
Never tell your little brother that you're not going to do what your
mom told you to do. Hank, Age 12
Remember you're never too old to hold your father's hand. Molly, Age 11
Listen to your brain. It has lots of information. Chelsey, Age 7
Stay away from prunes. Randy, Age 9
Never dare your little brother to paint the family car. Phillip, Age 13
Forget the cake, go for the icing. Cynthia, Age 8
Remember the two places you are always welcome - church and grandma's house.
Subject: Tripp Out, meteor shower, psych test
Date: Thu, 19 Nov 1998 00:28:24 -0800
From: Magic Mike B <mmb
Organization: http://funandmagic.com/
To: "Magic Mike Mailout bcc's" <mmb Hi, Here I am, sitting down at the keyboard again, assuming the Muse will keep the appointment. By the way, check out an old tune by Loudain Wainwright III called, "Muse Blues". Oh, if I'm recommending I might as well say, "Hi Phil!" Go buy Phil's new Firesign Theater cd. In fact, order it on my web page! I just became an amazon.com site! I have linked to a number of Tibetan metaphysics books on my Tibetan pages and I will donate money I receive from those orders to Tibetan lamas and schools.
Well, after hearing the tapes I have come to a definite conclusion about the crime. Impeach Linda Tripp!!! As far as I CAN SEE, the ONLY crime the was committed, aside from wasting our time and money, was illegal taping by Linda Tripp! And a secondary offense of impersonating a friend! Oh PLEASE no one give HER a book deal. MS. Tripp has a place in our hearts just this side of O.J. The Leonid Meteor shower is in full swing. See a pic at the photolinks page. http://funandmagic.com/photolinks2.htm
I need some more art links if you know of some good sites, please email me the links. Joe says computers are/are not male/female. Mark has a law and a prayer. Dayne has a psych test, and Stephen owes us an answer to his puzzle. Have a magic day. Pass it inside, outside, sideways, 'round.
Magic Mike
http://funandmagic.com/Five Reasons to Believe Computers are Female:
1) No one but the Creator understands their internal logic. 2) The native language they use to communicate with other computers is incomprehensible to everyone else. 3) The message "Bad command or file name" is about as informative as "If you don't know why I'm mad at you, then I'm certainly not going to tell you." 4) Even your smallest mistakes are stored in long-term memory for later retrieval. 5) As soon as you make a commitment to one, you find yourself spending half your paycheck on accessories for it.
Five Reasons to Believe Computers are Male:
1) They have a lot of data, but are still clueless. 2) They are supposed
to help you solve problems, but half the time they ARE they problem. 3)
In order to get their attention, you have to turn them on. 4) Big power
surges knock them out for the rest of the night. 5) As soon as you commit
to one, you realize that if you had waited a little longer you could have
obtained a better model. -=-=-=--=-=-=--=-=-=-=-=-=-=------=--
Murphy's Laws of Computing
1. When computing, whatever happens, behave as though you meant it to happen.
2. When you get to the point where you really understand your computer, it's probably obsolete.
3. The first place to look for information is in the section of the manual where you least expect to find it.
4. When the going gets tough, upgrade.
5. For every action, there is an equal and opposite malfunction.
6. To err is human . . . to blame your computer for your mistakes is even more human, it is downright natural.
7. He who laughs last probably made a back-up.
8. If at first you do not succeed, blame your computer.
9. A complex system that does not work is invariably found to have evolved from a simpler system that worked perfectly.
10. The number one cause of computer problems is computer
solutions.
-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=---==-=-=--=-=
Single Woman's Bedtime Prayer
Now I lay me down to sleep. Please don't send me no more creeps. Please just send me one good man. One without a wedding band. One good man who's sweet as pie. Who brushed his teeth and doesn't lie. Who dresses neat and doesn't smell. And is sexy like my man Mel (Gibson.) Is superrich like Michael J. On second thought, that's okay.
Man, if I should die before I wake, that would truly take the cake; No matrimony or honeymoon. No fancy reception planned for June. No throwing of the wedding bouquet. Please, God, don't let me go out that way. If I die before I meet Mr. Right I won't go out without a fight. But then again with my luck, He'd probably be just some schmuck.
The single life is not that bad I know it's just a passing fad. I won't be blue. I will not frown. Besides, I like my toilet seat down. No more makeup, won't comb my hair. So never mind this stupid prayer The single life will do just fine. So what's up, girlfriend? IT'S PARTY TIME!!!!-
-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=
-=-=-=-=-=-=-=
-=-=--=-=-=-==
This is a VERY interesting test. Let's see how you do...
There are five things going on simultaneously which need to be taken care of: * 1. The telephone is ringing. * 2. The baby is crying. * 3. Someone knocks at the front door or rings the doorbell. * 4. There is laundry hanging on the line outside and it begins to rain. * 5. The water faucet in the kitchen isrunning. In what order do you take care of the problems? Jot down your order, and scroll down after you've made your decision. Each represents something in your life. Don't cheat.
1. The phone represents your job or career. 2. The baby, your family. 3. The visitor, your friends. 4. The laundry, your sex life. 5. The running water, money or wealth. Makes you think, eh??? Hmmmmmmm How close did this test match your priorities in Life?Subject: Space bubbles, another puzzle, jokes and recipes
Date: Tue, 17 Nov 1998 09:15:54 -0800
From: Magic Mike B <mmb
Organization: http://funandmagic.com/
To: "Magic Mike Mailout bcc's" <mmb
Love is as much of an object as an obsession, everybody wants it, everybody seeks it, but few ever achieve it, those who do will cherish it, be lost in it, and among all, never...never forget it. (Curtis Judalet)
Hi,
Tuesday blues day. Here is a 24 hour blues site to put
some attitude in your browsing. http://www.broadcast.com/radio/blues/blues/
. Is your computer giving you trouble? Install this wav
file. Or, hear it at the jokeparlor. parlor.htm
You'll laugh hard.
Today's desktop wallpaper pic is beyond words. Okay,
I'll try. Creator blowing bubbles. How's that? Picture a bubble of ionized
gas 10 lighter years across. Go to today's photolinks page. http://funandmagic.com/photolinks2.htm
Did you enjoy the Einstein puzzle? Here's another one.
Have a magic day and pass it on!
Magic Mike
(go see a magic trick!) http://funandmagic.com/
-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=
-=-=-=-=-=-=-=
-
Really stupid people:
It's hard to believe that certain people survive to adulthood!!!
I saw a lady at work today putting a credit card into her floppy drive
and pulling it out very quickly. I inquired as to what she was doing and
she said she was shopping on the internet, and they asked for a credit
card number, so she was using the ATM "thingy".
-=--=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=--=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=
The Boston Dictionary
For people learning to speak with a "Bawstin" i.e Boston accent.
The following contains some of the better excerpts:
bzah: Strange, odd.
Chahlz: The rivah.
chowdah: Clams, milk, buttah.
Con: Stahchy veggie that comes on a cob.
connah: Where streets intersect.
fah: Not neah heah-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=
-=-=-=-=-
PET APPRECIATION WEEK
This is Pet Appreciation Week, a time to do something special for your pet, something they'll really appreciate, like:
* Bring your cat a dead bird.
* Make a concerted effort to learn to purr.
* Eat supper on the floor.
* Lick your dog in the face.
* Get your dog a bone and bury it for him.
* Spend quality time with your pet rolling around in something really awful.-=-
-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=
-=-=-=-=-=-=-=
--=-=
"Top Ten Signs You Are 'Burned Out' Because of Work"
8. Your garbage can IS your "in" box.
7. You wake up to discover your bed is on fire, but go back to sleep because you just don't care.
6. You have so much on your mind, you've forget often how to pee.
5. Visions of the upcoming weekend help you make it through ...er.... Monday.
4. You sleep more at work than at home.
3. You leave for a party and instinctively take your ID badge.
2. Your Day Timer exploded a week ago.
1. You think about how relaxing it would be if you were in jail right now.
-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=
-=-=-=-=-=-=-=
-=-=--=-=
Last year a friend of mine upgraded from Girlfriend 4.0 to Wife 1.0 and
found it's a memory hog leaving few system resources for other applications.
He is also now noticing the Wife 1.0 is also spawning Child-processes which
are further consuming valuable resources. No mention of this particular
phenomenon was included in the product documentation, though other users
have informed me this is to be expected due to the nature of the application.
Not only that, Wife 1.0 installs itself so it is always launched at system initialization where it can monitor all other system activity. Some applications such as PokerNite 10.3, Bachelor Party 2.5, and Pubnite 7.0 are no longer able to run on the system at all, causing the system to lock-up when launched (even though the other applications worked fined before).
Wife 1.0 provides no installation options. Thus, the installation of undesired plug-ins such as Mother-in-law and the Brother-in-law Beta is unavoidable. Also, system performance seems to diminish with each passing day.
Some features my friend would like to see in the upcoming Wife 2.0: A "don't remind me again" button. Minimize button. Ability to delete the "headache" file. An install feature that provides an option to uninstall Version 2.0 without loss of other system resources. An option to run the network driver in "promiscuous mode" allowing the system's Hardware Probe feature to be much more useful/effective.
I myself wish I had decided to avoid all of the headaches associated with Wife 1.0 by sticking with Girlfriend 3.0. Even here, however, I have found many problems. Apparently you cannot install Girlfriend 4.0 on top of Girlfriend 3.0. You must uninstall Girlfriend 3.0 first, otherwise the two versions of Girlfriend will have conflicts over shared use of the I/O port.
Other users have told me this is a long-standing problem I should have been aware of. Guess that explains what happened to versions 1.0 and 2.0.
To make matters worse, the uninstall program for Girlfriend 3.0 doesn't
work very well, leaving undesirable traces of the application in the system. Another identified problem is that all versions of Girlfriend have annoying little messages about the advantages of upgrading to Wife
1.0 !
VIRUS ALERT!!!!!!!!!
All users should be aware that Wife 1.0 has an undocumented bug. If you try to install Mistress 1.1 before uninstalling Wife 1.0 - Wife 1.0 will delete MSMoney files before doing the uninstall itself. Once that happens, Mistress 1.1 won't install and you will get an "insufficient resources" error message.
To avoid the aforementioned bug, try installing Mistress 1.1 on a different system and "never" run any file transfer applications (such as Laplink) between the two systems.
FYI: Don't even think about a shared directory!!!!!!!!! --=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=
-=-=-=-=-=-=-=
-
Subject: Fireworks and funnies
Date: Mon, 16 Nov 1998 08:48:58 -0800
From: Magic Mike B <mmb
Organization: http://funandmagic.com/
To: "Magic Mike Mailout bcc's" <mmb
Hi,
Here is a bunch of goodies. A great fireworks display at a site from the
photo gallery of bonpei (Fuminori Hayano), a site in Japan. Go there from
the photolinks page http://funandmagic.com/photolinks2.htm
Lots of fun stuff and a bunch of Thanksgiving links at the bottom. Come
see a magic trick at http://funandmagic.com/Have a magic day and pass it on.
Magic Mike
Memo No. 1:
Effective immediately, the company is adopting Fridays as Casual Day so that employees may express their diversity.
Memo No. 2:
Spandex and leather micro-miniskirts are not appropriate attire for Casual Day. Neither are string ties, rodeo belt buckles or moccasins.
Memo No. 3:
Casual Day refers to dress only, not attitude. When planning Friday's wardrobe, remember image is a key to our success.
Memo No. 4:
A seminar on how to dress for Casual Day will be held at 4 p.m. Friday in the cafeteria. Fashion show to follow. Attendance is mandatory.
Memo No. 5:
As an outgrowth of Friday's seminar, a 14-member Casual Day Task Force has been appointed to prepare guidelines for proper dress.
Memo No. 6:
The Casual Day Task Force has completed a 30-page manual. A copy of "Relaxing Dress Without Relaxing Company Standards" has been mailed to each employee. Please review the chapter "You Are What You Wear" and consult the "home casual" versus "business casual" checklist before leaving for work each Friday. If you have doubts about the appropriateness of an item of clothing, contact your CDTF representative before 7 a.m. on Friday.
Memo No. 7:
Because of lack of participation, Casual Day has been discontinued, effective immediately.-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=
-=-=-=-=-=-=-=
-=-=--=-=
A fierce gust of wind blew 45-year-old Vittorio Luise's car into a river near Naples, Italy, in 1983. He managed to break a window, climb out and swim to shore -- where a tree blew over and killed him.
ALWAYS LOOK BOTH WAYS
Mike Stewart, 31, of Dallas was filming a movie in 1983 on the dangers of low-level bridges when the truck he was standing on passed under a low-level bridge -- killing him.
TAKE NOVOCAINE
Walter Hallas, a 26-year-old store clerk in Leeds, England, was so afraid of dentists that in 1979 he asked a fellow worker to try to cure his toothache by punching him in the jaw. The punch caused Hallas to fall down, hitting his head, and he died of a fractured skull.
NEVER RETURN TO THE SCENE
George Schwartz, owner of a factory in Providence, R.I., narrowly escaped death when a 1983 blast flattened his factory except for one wall. After treatment for minor injuries, he returned to the scene to search for files. The remaining wall then collapsed on him, killing him.
POOR SUCKER
Depressed since he could not find a job, 42-year-old Romolo Ribolla sat in his kitchen near Pisa, Italy, with a gun in his hand threatening to kill himself in 1981. His wife pleaded for him not to do it, and after about an hour he burst into tears and threw the gun to the floor. It went off and killed his wife.
CHECK THE PULSE FIRST
In 1983, Mrs. Carson of Lake Kushaqua, N.Y., was laid out in her coffin,
presumed dead of heart disease. As mourners watched, she suddenly sat up. Her daughter dropped dead of fright.
FRAUD DOESN'T PAY
A man hit by a car in New York in 1977 got up uninjured, but lay back down in front of the car when a bystander told him to pretend he was hurt so he could collect insurance money. The car rolled forward and crushed him to death.-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=
-=-=-=-=-=-=-=
-=-=-=-=-=-=-=--=-=
Phone Humor
One thing that has always bugged me, and I'm sure it does most of you, is to sit down at the dinner table only to be interrupted by a phone call from a telemarketer. I decided, on one such occasion, to try to be as irritating as they were to me. The call was from AT&T and it went something like this:
Me: Hello AT&T: Hello, this is AT&T... Me: Is this AT&T? AT&T: Yes, this is AT&T... Me: This is AT&T? AT&T: Yes This is AT&T... Me: Is this AT&T? AT&T: YES! This is AT&T, may I speak to Mr. Byron please? Me: May I ask who is calling? AT&T: This is AT&T. Me: OK, hold on.
At this point I put the phone down for a solid 5 minutes thinking that, surely, this person would have hung up the phone. Much to my surprise, when I picked up the receiver, they were still waiting.
Me: Hello? AT&T: Is this Mr. Byron? Me: May I ask who is calling please? AT&T: Yes this is AT&T... Me: Is this AT&T? AT&T: Yes this is AT&T... Me: This is AT&T? AT&T: Yes, is this Mr. Byron? Me: Yes, is this AT&T? AT&T: Yes sir. Me: The phone company? AT&T: Yes sir. Me: I thought you said this was AT&T. AT&T: Yes sir, we are a phone company. Me: I already have a phone. AT&T: We aren't selling phones today Mr. Byron. Me: Well whatever it is, I'm really not interested but thanks for calling.
When you are not interested in something, I don't think you can express yourself any plainer than by saying "I'm really not interested",but this lady was persistent.
AT&T: Mr. Byron we would like to offer you 10 cents a minute, 24 hours a day, 7 days a week, 365 days a year. Now, I am sure she meant
she was offering a "rate" of 10 cents a minute but she at no time used the word rate. I could clearly see that it was time to whip out the trusty old calculator and do a little ciphering.
Me: Now, that's 10 cents a minute 24 hours a day? AT&T: (getting a little excited at this point by my interest) Yes sir that's right! 24 hours a day! Me: 7 days a week? AT&T: That's right. Me: 365 days a year? AT&T: Yes sir. Me: I am definitely interested in that! Wow!!! That's amazing! AT&T: We think so! Me: That's quite a sum of money! AT&T: Yes sir, it's amazing how it ads up. Me: OK, so will you send me checks weekly, monthly or just one big one at the end of the year for the full $52,560, and if you send an annual check, can I get a cash advance? AT&T: Excuse me? Me: You know, the 10 cents a minute. AT&T: What are you talking about? Me: You said you'd give me 10 cents a minute, 24 hours a day, 7 days a week, 365 days a year. That comes to $144 per day, $1008 per week and $52,560 per year. I'm just interested in knowing how you will be making payment. AT&T: Oh no sir I didn't mean we'd be paying you. You pay us 10 cents a minute. Me: Wait a minute here!!! Didn't you say you'd give me 10 cents a minute. Are you sure this is AT&T? AT&T: Well, yes this is AT&T sir but...... Me: But nothing, how do you figure that by saying that you'll give me 10 cents a minute that I'll give you 10 cents a minute? Is this some kind of subliminal telemarketing scheme? I've read about things like this in the Enquirer you know. Don't use your alien brainwashing techniques on me. AT&T: No sir we are offering 10 cents a minute for..... Me: THERE YOU GO AGAIN! Can I speak to a supervisor please! AT&T: Sir I don't think that is necessary. Me: Sure! You say that now! What happens later? AT&T: What? Me: I insist on speaking to a supervisor! AT&T: Yes Mr. Byron. Please hold on. So now AT&T has me on hold and my supper is getting cold. I begin to eat while I'm waiting for a supervisor. After a wait of a few minutes and while I have a mouth full of food: Supervisor: Mr. Byron? Me: Yeth? Supervisor: I understand you are not quite understanding our 10 cents a minute program. Me: Id thish Ath Teeth & Teeth? Supervisor: Yes sir, it sure is.
I had to swallow before I choked on my food. It was all I could do to suppress my laughter and I had to be careful not to produce a snort. Me: No, actually I was just waiting for someone to get back to me so that I could sign up for the plan. Supervisor: OK, no problem, I'll transfer you back to the person who was helping you. Me: Thank you.
I was on hold once again and was getting really hungry. I needed to end this conversation. Suddenly, there was an aggravated but polite voice at the other end of the phone.
AT&T: Hello Mr. Byron, I understand that you are interested in signing up for our plan? Me: Do you have that friends and family thing because you can never have enough friends and I'm an only child and I'd really like to have a little brother... AT&T: (click)
author unknown
-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=
-=-=-=-=-=-=-=
-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=--=YOU KNOW IT IS TIME TO TURN OFF THE COMPUTER AND READ A BOOK WHEN:
1. You wake up at 3 am to go to the bathroom and stop to check your email on the way back to bed.
2. You name your children Eudora, AOL and Dotcom.
3. You turn off your modem and get this awful empty feeling, as if you just pulled the plug on a loved one.
4. You spend half of the plane trip with your laptop on your lap, and your child in the overhead compartment.
5. You decide to stay in college for an additional year or two, just for the free Internet access.
6. You laugh at people with 14.4-baud modems.
7. You start using smileys in your snail mail.
8. You find yourself typing "com" after every period when using a word processor.com.
9. You can't call your mother...she doesn't have a modem.
10. You check your mail. It says "no new messages," So you check it again.
11. You don't know what gender three of your closest friends are, because they have neutral screen names and you never bothered to ask.
12. You move into a new house and decide to Netscape before you landscape.
13. You tell the cab driver you live at.......http://1000.edison.garden/house/brick.HTML
14. You start tilting your head sideways to smile.
15. After reading this message, you immediately e-mail it to a friend!!!-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=
-=-=-=-=-=-=-=
-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=
Subject: How it happens, Why it can never happen, how it happened.
Date: Sun, 15 Nov 1998 00:15:13 -0800
From: Magic Mike B <mmb
Organization: http://funandmagic.com/
To: "Magic Mike Mailout bcc's" <mmb
Hi,
I'm late out of the gate today, spent the evening with a friend I haven't
seen in years. When you hear the little voice in your ear that says, "Call/find
that person", I say do it! Somethings/people/events are meant to be.
Listen to the first thing that comes to your head. It is often dead on.
Of course, she was just thinking of me, too. Listen inside! Yesterday's
link is fixed. Today's pic is the weirdest little thing. The smallest moon
in the system, Mars little, nine mile moon. http://funandmagic.com/photolinks2.htm
See this dramatic photo by going to the photolinks page. The answer to
einstein's quiz is at the bottom.
Have a magic day and pass it on!
Magic Mike
http://funandmagic.com/
(see a magic trick)
In the beginning, there was the Plan. And then came the Assumptions. And the Assumptions were without form, And the Plan was without substance.
And darkness was upon the face of the Workers And they spoke among themselves saying, "It's a crock of shit, and it stinks."
And the Workers went unto their Supervisors and said, "It is a pail of dung, and we can't live with the smell."
And the Supervisors went unto their Managers saying, "It is a container of excrement, and it is very strong, such that none may abide by it."
And the Managers went unto their Directors saying, "It is a vessel of fertilizer, and none may abide it's strength."
And the Directors spoke among themselves, saying to one another, "It contains that which aids plant growth, and it is very strong."
And the Directors went to the Vice Presidents saying unto them, "It promotes growth, and it is very powerful."
And the Vice Presidents went to the President saying unto him, "This new plan will actively promote growth, and vigor of the company with very powerful effects."
And the President looked upon the Plan, and said that it was good,
And the Plan became Policy. And this is how shit happens.--=-=-=-=-=-=-=-==-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=--=-=
This goes out to any woman who's had to reject any losers. Now we have a form letter to send out.
Dear (name)-
I regret to inform you that you have been eliminated from further contention as Mr. Right. As you are probably aware, the competition was exceedingly tough and dozens of well-qualified candidates such as yourself also failed to make the final cut. I will, however, keep your name on file should an opening come available. So that you may find better success in your future romantic endeavors, please allow me to offer the following reason(s) you were disqualified from the competition:
(Check those that apply)
___ Your last name is objectionable. I can't imagine taking it, hyphenating it, or subjecting my children to it.
___ Your first name is objectionable. It's just not something I can picture myself yelling out in a fit of passion.
___ The fact that our finest dining experience to date has been at McDonald's reveals a thriftiness that I find unappealing.
___ Your inadvertent admission that you "buy condoms by the truckload" indicates that you may be interested in me for something other than my personality.
___ You failed the 20 Question Rule, i.e., I asked you 20 questions about yourself before you asked me more than one about myself.
___ Your breasts are bigger than mine.
___ Your legs are skinnier than mine. If you can FIT into my pants, then you can't GET into my pants.
___ You're too short. Any son that we produced would inevitably be beaten up repeatedly at recess.
___ You're too tall. I'm developing a chronic neck condition from trying to kiss you.
___ You have a hairy back.
___ I find your inability to fix my car extraordinarily unappealing.
___ The fact that your apartment has been condemned reveals an inherent slovenliness that I fear is unbreakable.
___ The phrase "My Mother" has popped up far too often in conversation.
____ You still live with your parents.
___ Although I do enjoy the X-Files, I find your wardrobe of Star Trek uniforms a little disconcerting.
___ Your frequent references to your ex-girlfriend lead me to suspect that you are some sort of psychotic stalker.
___ Your ability to belch the alphabet is not a trait that I am seeking in a long term partner.
___ The fact that you categorize the Pro Bowler's Tour as "must see TV" demonstrated that you do not meet my intelligence requirements.
___ Somehow I doubt those condoms that I found in your overnight bag were really necessary for a successful business trip.
___ I am out of your league; set your sights lower next time.
Sincerely, [your name here] Human Resources Department
-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=
-=-=-=-=-=-=-=
-=-=-=-=-=-=--=Einstein quiz to find the fish owner.
Drink Color of house Type of smoke Animal
Norw. - Water House1 Yellow Dunhill Cats
Dane. - Tea House2 Blue Blend Horses
Brit. - Milk House3 Red Pall Mall Birds
Germ. - Coffee House4 Green Prince ****FISH****
Swed. - Beer House5 White Blue Masters Dogs
Subject: Fireball, Butterball, Einstein's quiz, birthday's
Date: Fri, 13 Nov 1998 08:58:55 -0800
From: Magic Mike B <mmb
Organization: http://funandmagic.com/
To: "Magic Mike Mailout bcc's" <mmb
For every minute you are angry, you lose 60 seconds of happiness.
Hi,
TGIF, TAIF, TEIF, TNIF. (depending on your thinking, who you thank it's
Friday) Today's desktop wallpaper recommendation is The Leonid Fireball
From 1966. "This bright fireball meteor was photographed from Table
Mountain Observatory during the peak of the annual Leonid meteor shower
on November 17, 1966." Stop by the photolinks page. Stop by everyday
for a space, art, or landscape recommended photo. http://funandmagic.com/photolinks2.htm
Send your web finds to me.
Mike, a real Nysguy, has been sending a lot of good stuff.
Here's a joke, Einstein's quiz (answer tomorrow), birthday explanations
(Happy Birthday, Marilyn!) and links for Turkey Day. Here is a link to
free catologues.http://3505223271/
If you are a man, you'll want SEARS, WOMEN ARE FROM NORDSTROM! (see below)Have a MAGIC day. And forward it.
Magic Mike
See a magic trick http://funandmagic.com/Read a joke parlor.htm
MEN ARE FROM SEARS, WOMEN ARE FROM NORDSTROM: "Just Her Size"
I believe that, in general, women are saner than men. For example, If you see people who have paid good money to stand in an outdoor stadium on a freezing December day wearing nothing on the upper halves of their bodies except paint, those people will be male.
Without males, there would be no such sport as professional lawn mower racing. Also, there would be a 100 percent decline in the annual number of deaths related to efforts to shoot beer cans off of heads.
Also, if women were in charge of all the world's nations, there would be, I sincerely believe this, virtually no military conflicts, and if there were a military conflict, everybody involved would feel just awful and there would soon be a high-level exchange of thoughtful notes written on greeting cards with flowers on the front, followed by a Peace Luncheon (which would be salads, with the dressing on the side).
So I sincerely believe that women are wiser than men, with the exception of one key area, and that area is: clothing sizes. In this particular area, women are insane. When a man shops for clothes, his primary objective is to purchase clothes that fit on his particular body. A man will try on a pair of pants, and if those pants are too small, he'll try on a larger pair, and when he finds a pair that fits, he buys them.
Most men do not spend a lot of time fretting about the size of their pants. Many men wear jeans with the size printed right on the back label, so that if you're standing behind a man in a supermarket line, you can read his waist and inseam size. A man could have, say, a 52-inch waist and a 30-inch inseam, and his label will proudly display this information, which is basically the same thing as having a sign that says: "Howdy! My butt is the size of a Federal Express truck!"
The situation is very different with women. When a woman shops for clothes, her primary objective is NOT to find clothes that fit her particular body. She would like for that to be the case, but her primary objective is to purchase clothes that are the size she wore when she was 19 years old. This will be some arbitrary number such as "5" or "7." Don't ask me "5" or "7" of what; that question has baffled scientists for centuries. All I know is that if a woman was a size 5 at age 19, she wants to be a size 5 now, and if a size 5 outfit does not fit her, she will not move on to a larger size: She can't! Her size is 5! So she will keep trying on size 5 items, and unless they start fitting her, she will become extremely unhappy.
She may take this unhappiness out on her husband, who is waiting patiently in the mall, perhaps browsing in the Sharper Image store, trying to think of how he could justify purchasing a pair of night-vision binoculars.
"Hi!" he'll say, when his wife finds him. "You know how sometimes the electricity goes out at night and..." "Am I fat?" she'll ask, cutting him off. This is a very bad situation for the man, because if he answers "yes," she'll be angry because he's saying that she's fat, and if he answers "no," she'll be angry because HE'S OBVIOUSLY LYING BECAUSE NONE OF THE SIZE 5's FIT HER.
There is no escape for the husband. I think a lot of unexplained disappearances occur because guys in malls see their wives unsuccessfully trying on outfits, and they realize their lives will be easier if, before their wives come out and demand to know whether they're fat, the guys just run off and join a UFO cult.
The other day my wife, Michelle, was in a terrific mood, and you know why? Because she had successfully put on a size 6 outfit. She said this made her feel wonderful. She said, and this is a direct quote: "I wouldn't care if these pants were this big (here she held her arms far apart) as long as they have a '6' on them."
Here's how you could get rich: Start a women's clothing store called "SIZE 2," in which all garments, including those that were originally intended to be restaurant awnings, had labels with the words "SIZE 2." I bet you'd sell clothes like crazy. You'd probably get rich, and you could retire, maybe take up some philanthropic activity to benefit humanity.
I'm thinking here of professional lawn mower racing.-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=
-=-=--=--
TODAY'S PUZZLE!!
Einstein wrote this quiz last century. He said that 98% of the people in
the world cannot solve the quiz. Facts: 1. There are 5 houses in 5 different
colors. 2. In each house lives a person with a different nationality. 3.
These 5 owners drink a certain type of beverage, smoke a certain brand
of cigar and keep a certain pet. 4. No owners have the same pet, smoke
the same brand of cigar or drink the same drink.
Here's the question: Who owns the fish? Hints: 1. The Brit man lives in a red house. 2. The Swede keeps dogs as pets. 3. The Dane drinks tea. 4. The green house is on the left of the white house. 5. The green house owner drinks coffee. 6. The person who smokes Pall Mall rears birds. 7. The owner of the yellow house smokes Dunhill. 8. The man living in the house right in the center drinks milk. 9. The Norwegian lives in the first house. 10. The man who smokes Blend lives next to the one who keeps cats. 11. The man who keeps horses lives next to the man who smokes Dunhill. 12. The owner who smokes Blue Master drinks beer. 13. The German smokes Prince. 14. The Norwegian lives next to the blue house. 15. The man who smokes Blend has a neighbor who drinks water. -=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=--=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=----=Where is your birthday, and what is it for?
January 1 is. . . . . .First Foot Day and Z Day January
2 is . . . . .Run Up the Flagpole and See if Anybody Salutes It Day January
3 is . . . . .Festival of Sleep Day January 4 is . . . . .Trivia Day and
Humiliation Day January 5 is . . . . .Bird Day January 6 is . . . . .Bean
Day January 7 is . . . . .Old Rock Day January 8 is . . . . . National
Joy Germ Day and Man Watcher's Day January 9 is . . . . . Play God Day
January 10 is . . . . Peculiar People Day January 11 is . . . . National
Step in a Puddle and Splash Your Friend Day January 12 is . . . . Feast
of Fabulous Wild Men Day January 13 is . . . . Make Your Dream Come True
Day and Blame Someone Else Day January 14 is . . . . National Dress Up
Your Pet Day January 15 is . . . . Hat Day January 16 is . . . . Hot and
Spicy Food International Day and National Nothing Day January 17 is . .
. . Blessing of the Animals at the Cathedral Day January 18 is . . . .
Winnie the Pooh Day January 19 is . . . . National Popcorn Day January
20 is . . . . National Buttercrunch Day January 21 is . . . . National
Hugging Day January 22 is . . . . National Answer Your Cat's Question Day,
National Blonde Brownie Day January 23 is . . . . National Handwriting
Day, National Pie Day, Measure Your Feet Day January 24 is . . . . Eskimo
Pie Patent Day January 25 is . . . . Opposite Day January 26 is . . . .
Australia Day January 27 is . . . . Punch the Clock Day and Thomas Crapper
Day January 28 is . . . . National Kazoo Day, Clash Day, Rattle Snake Roundup
Day January 29 is . . . . National Cornchip Day January 30 is . . . . Escape
Day January 31 is . . . . National Popcorn Day and Child Labor Day
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
February 1 is . . . . . Serpent Day February 2 is . . . . . Purification
Day February 3 is . . . . . Cordova Ice Worm Day February 4 is . . . .
. Create A Vacuum Day February 5 is . . . . . Disaster Day February 6 is
. . . . . Lame Duck Day February 7 is . . . . . Charles Dickens Day February
8 is . . . . . Kite Flying Day February 9 is . . . . . Toothache Day February
10 is . . . . Umbrella Day February 11 is . . . . White Tee-shirt Day and
Don't Cry Over Spilled Milk Day February 12 is . . . . National Plum Pudding
Day February 13 is . . . . Get A Different Name Day and Dream Your Sweet
Day February 14 is . . . . Ferris Wheel Day and National Heart to Heart
Day February 15 is . . . . National Gum Drop Day February 16 is . . . .
Do A Grouch A Favor Day February 17 is . . . . Champion Crab Races Day
February 18 is . . . . National Battery Day February 19 is . . . . National
Chocolate Mint Day February 20 is . . . . Hoodie Hoo Day February 21 is
. . . . Card Reading Day February 22 is . . . . Be Humble Day February
23 is . . . . International Dog Biscuit Appreciation Day February 24 is
. . . . National Tortilla Chip Day February 25 is . . . . Pistol Patent
Day (Samuel Colt) February 26 is . . . . National Pistachio Day February
27 is . . . . International Polar Bear Day February 28 is . . . . Public
Sleeping Day February 29 is . . . . National Surf and Turf Day
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
March 1 is . . . . . National Pig Day and Peanut Butter Lover's Day March
2 is . . . . . Old Stuff Day March 3 is . . . . . I Want You To Be Happy
Day, Peach Blossom Day, National Anthem Day March 4 is . . . . . Holy Experiment
Day March 5 is . . . . . Personality Day March 6 is . . . . . National
Frozen Food Day March 7 is . . . . . National Crown Roast Of Pork Day March
8 is . . . . . Be Nasty Day March 9 is . . . . . Panic Day March 10 is
. . . . Festival Of Life In The Cracks Day March 11 is . . . . Johnny Appleseed
Day and Worship of Tools Day March 12 is . . . . Alfred Hitchcock Day March
13 is . . . . Jewel Day March 14 is . . . . National Potato Chip Day March
15 is . . . . Buzzard's Day and Everything You Think Is Wrong Day March
16 is . . . . Everything You Do Is Right Day March 17 is . . . . Submarine
Day March 18 is . . . . Supreme Sacrifice Day March 19 is . . . . Poultry
Day March 20 is . . . . Proposal Day and Festival Of Extraterrestrial Abductions
Day March 21 is . . . . Fragrance Day March 22 is . . . . National Goof-off
Day March 23 is . . ....National Organize Your Home Office Day and National
Chip and Dip Day March 24 is . . . . National Chocolate Covered Raisins
Day March 25 is . . . . Pecan Day and Waffle Day March 26 is . . . . Make
Up Your Own Holiday Day and Spinach Festival Day March 27 is . . . . National
"Joe" Day More Info on National "Joe" Day March 28
is . . . . Something On A Stick Day March 29 is . . . . Festival Of Smoke
and Mirrors Day March 30 is . . . . I Am In Control Day March 31 is . .
. . Bunsen Burner Day and National Clams On The Half Shell Day
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
April 1 is . . . . . One Cent Day April 2 is . . . . . National Peanut
Butter and Jelly Day April 3 is . . . . . Tweed Day and Don't Go To Work
Unless It's Fun Day April 4 is . . . . . Tell-A-Lie Day April 5 is . .
. . . Go For Broke Day April 6 is . . . . . Sorry Charlie Day More Info
on Sorry Charlie Day April 7 is . . . . . No Housework Day April 8 is .
. . . . All Is Ours Day April 9 is . . . . . Winston Churchill Day and
Name Yourself Day April 10 is . . . . Golfers Day April 11 is . . . . Eight-Track
Tape Day April 12 is . . . . Look Up At The Sky Day April 13 is . . . .
Blame Somebody Else Day April 14 is . . . . National Pecan Day April 15
is . . . . Rubber Eraser Day April 16 is . . . . National Stress Awareness
Day and National Eggs Benedict Day April 17 is . . . . National Cheeseball
Day April 18 is . . . . International Jugglers Day April 19 is . . . .
National Garlic Day April 20 is . . . . Look Alike Day April 21 is . .
. . Kindergarten Day April 22 is . . . . National Jelly Bean Day April
23 is . . . . Read Me Day and World Laboratory Animal Day April 24 is .
. . . National Pigs In A Blanket Day April 25 is . . . . National Zucchini
Bread Day April 26 is . . . . Richter Scale Day and National Pretzel Day
April 27 is . . . . Tell A Story Day April 28 is . . . . Great Poetry Reading
Day and Kiss-Your-Mate Day April 29 is . . . . National Shrimp Scampi Day
April 30 is . . . . National Honesty Day
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
May 1 is . . . . . Mother Goose Day and Save The Rhino Day May 2 is . .
. . . Fire Day May 3 is . . . . . Lumpy Rug Day May 4 is . . . . . National
Candied Orange Peel Day May 5 is . . . . . National Hoagie Day May 6 is
. . . . . Beverage Day May 7 is . . . . . International Tuba Day, Paste
Up Day, National Roast Leg of Lamb Day May 8 is . . . . . No Socks Day
and Have A Coke Day May 9 is . . . . . Lost Sock Memorial Day May 10 is
. . . . Clean Up Your Room Day May 11 is . . . . Eat What You Want Day
and Twilight Zone Day May 12 is . . . . Limerick Day May 13 is . . . .
Leprechaun Day May 14 is . . . . National Dance Like A Chicken Day May
15 is . . . . National Chocolate Chip Day May 16 is . . . . Wear Purple
For Peace Day May 17 is . . . . Pack Rat Day May 18 is . . . . International
Museum Day and Visit Your Relatives Day May 19 is . . . . Frog Jumping
Jubilee Day May 20 is . . . . Eliza Doolittle Day May 21 is . . . . National
Memo Day and National Waitresses/Waiters Day May 22 is . . . . Buy-A-Musical-Instrument
Day May 23 is . . . . Penny Day May 24 is . . . . National Escargot Day
May 25 is . . . . National Tap Dance Day May 26 is . . . . Grey Day May
27 is . . . . Body Painting Arts Festival May 28 is . . . . National Hamburger
Day May 29 is . . . . End Of The Middle Ages Day May 30 is . . . . My Bucket's
Got A Hole In It Day May 31 is . . . . National Macaroon Day ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
June 1 is . . . . . Dare Day June 2 is . . . . . National Rocky Road Day
June 3 is . . . . . Repeat Day June 4 is . . . . . Old Maid's Day June
5 is . . . . . Festival Of Popular Delusions Day June 6 is . . . . . Teacher's
Day and National Applesauce Cake Day June 7 is . . . . . National Chocolate
Ice Cream Day June 8 is . . . . . Name Your Poison Day June 9 is . . .
. . Donald Duck Day June 10 is . . . . National Yo-yo Day June 11 is .
. . . National Hug Holiday and King Kamehameha Day June 12 is . . . . Machine
Day June 13 is . . . . National Juggling Day and Kitchen Klutzes Of America
Day June 14 is . . . . Pop Goes The Weasel Day June 15 is . . . . Smile
Power Day June 16 is . . . . National Hollerin' Contest Day June 17 is
. . . . Watergate Day and Eat Your Vegetables Day June 18 is . . . . International
Panic Day June 19 is . . . . World Sauntering Day June 20 is . . . . Ice
Cream Soda Day June 21 is . . . .Cuckoo Warning Day More Info on Cuckoo
Warning Day June 22 is . . . . National Chocolate Eclair Day June 23 is
. . . . National Pink Day June 24 is . . . . Museum Comes To Life Day June
25 is . . . . Log Cabin Day June 26 is . . . . National Chocolate Pudding
Day June 27 is . . . . National Columnists Day June 28 is . . . . Paul
Bunyan Day June 29 is . . . . Camera Day June 30 is . . . . Meteor Day
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
July 1 is . . . . . Creative Ice Cream Flavor Day and Build A Scarecrow
Day July 2 is . . . . . Visitation Of The Virgin Mary Day July 3 is . .
. . . Stay Out Of The Sun Day and Compliment Your Mirror Day July 4 is
. . . . . National Country Music Day and Tom Sawyer Fence- Painting Day
July 5 is . . . . . Workaholics Day July 6 is . . . . . National Fried
Chicken Day July 7 is . . . . . National Strawberry Sundae Day July 8 is
. . . . . Video Games Day July 9 is . . . . . National Sugar Cookie Day
July 10 is . . . . Clerihew Day July 11 is . . . . National Cheer Up The
Lonely Day July 12 is . . . . National Pecan Pie Day July 13 is . . . .
Fool's Paradise Day July 14 is . . . . National Nude Day July 15 is . .
. . National Tapioca Pudding Day and Respect Canada Day July 16 is . .
. . International Juggling Day July 17 is . . . . National Peach Ice Cream
Day July 18 is . . . . National Ice Cream Day and National Caviar Day July
19 is . . . . Flitch Day July 20 is . . . . Ugly Truck Contest Day July
21 is . . . . National Tug-Of-War Tournament Day July 22 is . . . . Ratcatcher's
Day July 23 is . . . . National Vanilla Ice Cream Day July 24 is . . .
. Amelia Earhart Day July 25 is . . . . Threading The Needle Day July 26
is . . . . All Or Nothing Day July 27 is . . . . Take Your Pants For A
Walk Day July 28 is . . . . National Milk Chocolate Day July 29 is . .
. . Cheese Sacrifice Purchase Day July 30 is . . . . National Cheesecake
Day July 31 is . . . . Parent's Day ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~August 1 is . . . . . Friendship Day and National Raspberry Cream Pie Day
August 2 is . . . . . National Ice Cream Sandwich Day August 3 is . . .
. . National Watermelon Day August 4 is . . . . . Twins Day Festival August
5 is . . . . . National Mustard Day August 6 is . . . . . Wiggle Your Toes
Day August 7 is . . . . . Sea Serpent Day August 8 is . . . . . National
Sneak Some Zucchini Onto Your Neighbor's Porch Night August 9 is . . .
. . National Polka Festival August 10 is . . . . Lazy Day August 11 is
. . . . Presidential Joke Day August 12 is . . . . Middle Child's Day August
13 is . . . . Blame Someone Else Day August 14 is . . . . National Creamsicle
Day August 15 is . . . . National Relaxation Day and National Failures
Day August 16 is . . . . Bratwurst Festival August 17 is . . . . National
Thriftshop Day August 18 is . . . . Bad Poetry Day August 19 is . . . .
Potato Day August 20 is . . . . National Radio Day August 21 is . . . .
National Spumoni Day August 22 is . . . . Be An Angel Day August 23 is
. . . . National Spongecake Day August 24 is . . . . Knife Day August 25
is . . . . Kiss-And-Make-Up Day August 26 is . . . . National Cherry Popsicle
Day August 27 is . . . . Petroleum Day August 28 is . . . . World Sauntering
Day August 29 is . . . . More Herbs, Less Salt Day August 30 is . . . .
National Toasted Marshmallow Day August 31 is . . . . National Trail Mix
Day
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
September 1 is . . . . . Emma M. Nutt Day September 2 is . . . . . National
Beheading Day September 3 is . . . . . Skyscraper Day September 4 is .
. . . . Newspaper Carrier Day September 5 is . . . . . Be Late For Something
Day September 6 is . . . . . Fight Procrastination Day September 7 is .
. . . . Neither Rain Nor Snow Day September 8 is . . . . . National Date
Nut Bread Day and Pardon Day September 9 is . . . . . Teddy Bear Day September
10 is . . . . Swap Ideas Day September 11 is . . . . No News Is Good News
Day September 12 is . . . . National Pet Memorial Day and National Chocolate
Milkshake Day September 13 is . . . . Defy Superstition Day September 14
is . . . . National Cream-filled Donut Day September 15 is . . . . Felt
Hat Day September 16 is . . . . Stay Away From Seattle Day and Collect
Rocks Day September 17 is . . . . National Apple Dumpling Day September
18 is . . . . National Play-doh Day September 19 is . . . . National Butterscotch
Pudding Day September 20 is . . . . National Punch Day September 21 is
. . . . World Gratitude Day and International Banana Festival September
22 is . . . . Hobbit Day and Dear Diary Day September 23 is . . . . Checkers
Day and Dogs In Politics Day September 24 is . . . . Festival Of Latest
Novelties September 25 is . . . . National Comic Book Day September 26
is . . . . National Good Neighbor Day and National Pancake Day September
27 is . . . . Crush A Can Day September 28 is . . . . Ask A Stupid Question
Day More Info on Stupid Questions September 29 is . . . . Poisoned Blackberries
Day September 30 is . . . . National Mud Pack Day
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
October 1 is . . . . . World Vegetarian Day and Magic Circles Day October
2 is . . . . . Name Your Car Day October 3 is . . . . . Virus Appreciation
Day October 4 is . . . . . National Golf Day October 5 is . . . . . National
Storytelling Festival October 6 is . . . . . German-American Day and Come
and Take It Day October 7 is . . . . . National Frappe Day October 8 is
. . . . . American Tag Day October 9 is . . . . . Moldy Cheese Day October
10 is . . . . National Angel Food Cake Day October 11 is . . . . It's My
Party Day October 12 is . . . . International Moment Of Frustration Scream
Day October 13 is . . . . National Peanut Festival October 14 is . . .
. Be Bald and Free Day and National Dessert Day October 15 is . . . . White
Cane Safety Day October 16 is . . . . Dictionary Day October 17 is . .
. . Gaudy Day October 18 is . . . . No Beard Day October 19 is . . . .
Evaluate Your Life Day October 20 is . . . . National Brandied Fruit Day
October 21 is . . . . Babbling Day October 22 is . . . . National Nut Day
October 23 is . . . . National Mole Day October 24 is . . . . National
Bologna Day October 25 is . . . . Punk For A Day Day October 26 is . .
. . Mule Day October 27 is . . . . Sylvia Plath Day October 28 is . . .
. Plush Animal Lover's Day and National Chocolate Day October 29 is . .
. . Hermit Day October 30 is . . . . National Candy Corn Day October 31
is . . . . National Magic Day and Increase Your Psychic Powers Day ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~November 1 is . . . . . Plan Your Epitaph Day November 2 is . . . . . National
Deviled Egg Day November 3 is . . . . . Sandwich Day and Housewife's Day
November 4 is . . . . . Waiting For The Barbarians Day November 5 is .
. . . . Gunpowder Day November 6 is . . . . . Saxophone Day and Marooned
Without A Compass Day November 7 is . . . . . National Bittersweet Chocolate
With Almonds Day November 8 is . . . . . Dunce Day November 9 is . . .
. . Chaos Never Dies Day November 10 is . . . . Forget-Me-Not Day November
11 is . . . . Air Day November 12 is . . . . National Pizza With The Works
Except Anchovies Day November 13 is . . . . National Indian Pudding Day
November 14 is . . . . Operation Room Nurse Day November 15 is . . . .
National Clean Out Your Refrigerator Day November 16 is . . . . Button
Day November 17 is . . . . Take A Hike Day November 18 is . . . . Occult
Day November 19 is . . . . Have A Bad Day Day November 20 is . . . . Absurdity
Day November 21 is . . . . World Hello Day and False Confessions Day November
22 is . . . . Start Your Own Country Day November 23 is . . . . National
Cashew Day November 24 is . . . . Use Even If Seal Is Broken Day November
25 is . . . . National Parfait Day November 26 is . . . . Shopping Reminder
Day November 27 is . . . . Pins And Needles Day November 28 is . . . .
Make Your Own Head Day November 29 is . . . . Square Dance Day November
30 is . . . . Stay At Home Because You're Well Day
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
December 1 is . . . . . National Pie Day and Eat A Red Apple Day December
2 is . . . . . National Fritters Day December 3 is . . . . . National Roof-Over-Your-Head
Day December 4 is . . . . . Wear Brown Shoes Day December 5 is . . . .
. National Sacher Torte Day December 6 is . . . . . National Gazpacho Day
and Mitten Tree Day December 7 is . . . . . National Cotton Candy Day December
8 is . . . . . Take It In The Ear Day December 9 is . . . . . National
Pastry Day December 10 is . . . . Festival For The Souls Of Dead Whales
December 11 is . . . . National Noodle Ring Day December 12 is . . . .
National Ding-A-Ling Day December 13 is . . . . Ice Cream and Violins Day
December 14 is . . . . National Bouillabaisse Day December 15 is . . .
. National Lemon Cupcake Day December 16 is . . . . National Chocolate
Covered Anything Day December 17 is . . . . Underdog Day and National Maple
Syrup Day December 18 is . . . . National Roast Suckling Pig Day December
19 is . . . . Oatmeal Muffin Day December 20 is . . . . Games Day December
21 is . . . . Look At The Bright Side Day, National Flashlight Day, National
French Fried Shrimp Day, and Hamburger Day December 22 is . . . . National
Date-Nut Bread Day December 23 is . . . . Roots Day December 24 is . .
. . National Eggnog Day December 25 is . . . . National Pumpkin Pie Day
December 26 is . . . . National Whiners Day December 27 is . . . . National
Fruitcake Day December 28 is . . . . Card Playing Day and National Chocolate
Day December 29 is . . . . Pepper Pot Day December 30 is . . . . Festival
Of Enormous Changes At The Last Minute and National Bicarbonate Of Soda
Day December 31 is . . . . Unlucky Day
Happy T-Day from Nysguy52
Turkey Day Links
<A HREF="http://www.geocities.com/SiliconValley/8340/thanksgiv.html" MoonCat's Thanksgiving</A <A HREF="http://home.wnm.net/%7Edebi/cw1198.exe"Calendar Wallpaper by Uncle Debi</A (calendar and 3 wallpapers) <A HREF="http://server2.powernet.net/~jograham/hthanks.htm"THANKSGIVING</A <A HREF="http://home1.gte.net/ctmiller/download.htm"Downloads</A (turkey screensaver)
<A HREF="http://www.geocities.com/Heartland/Valley/1001/holiday/hbordnov.htm" November Backgrounds & Borders</A <A HREF="http://www.billybear4kids.com/desktop/thanks/wallpapr.htm"Billy Bear's Thanksgiving WallPaper</A <A HREF="http://www.billybear4kids.com/desktop/thanks/icons.htm"Billy Bear's Thanksgiving Icons & Animated Cu...</A <A HREF="http://www.serrah.com/thanksgivingbackgrounds.htm"Thanksgiving Backgrounds</A <A HREF="http://members.xoom.com/fishpub/graphic14.html"Graphics Thanksgiving Turkeys</A <A HREF="http://members.xoom.com/fishpub/graphic24.html"Graphics Thanksgiving Pilgrims</A <A HREF="http://members.xoom.com/fishpub/thanksgivingborder.html"Linda's Thanksgiving Border Sets</A <A HREF="http://www.jacksonville.net/~lasmith/FallGraphics.htm"Fall Graphics </A <A HREF="http://members.xoom.com/iaattic/thx.html"Thanksgiving Set 1 </A <A HREF="http://www.serrah.com/thanksgivingbackgrounds.htm" Thanksgiving Backgrounds</A <A HREF="http://res3.geocities.com/Heartland/Meadows/5674/creations5.html" Creations#5 Thanksgiving by Glory, computer, ...</A (images) <A HREF="http://www.geocities.com/Paris/7230/Holiday_Designs.htm"Dani's Delusions - Holiday Designs</A <A HREF="http://www.geocities.com/Heartland/Ranch/3909/T2.htm"Thanksgiving Graphics</A <A HREF="http://www.thesitefights.com/wepatrol/holidays/thanksgiving/thanksgiv ing.html"The Site Fights Thanksgiving Pages</A <A HREF="http://www.thesitefights.com/wepatrol/holidays/thanksgiving/thanksgiv inggraphics1.html"The Site Fights Thanksgiving Graphics Page 1</A <A HREF="http://www.thesitefights.com/wepatrol/holidays/thanksgiving/thanksgiv inggraphics2.html"The Site Fights Thanksgiving Graphics Page 2</A <A HREF="http://www.thesitefights.com/wepatrol/holidays/thanksgiving/thanksgiv inggraphics3.html"The Site Fights Thanksgiving Graphics Page 3</A <A HREF="http://www.thesitefights.com/wepatrol/holidays/thanksgiving/thanksgiv inggraphics4.html"The Site Fights Thanksgiving Graphics Page 4</A <A HREF="http://www.tssphoto.com/thanks_g/thanks.html"Old Fashioned Thanksgiving Art</A <A HREF="http://www.nikkisgallery.com/holidays/thanksgiving/tdayset1.htm" Thanksgiving Set 1 </A
http://funandmagic.com/Subject: Aurora, Carlin, cut-ups, & cookiesDate: Thu, 12 Nov 1998 10:19:10 -0800
From: Magic Mike B <mmb
Organization: http://funandmagic.com/
To: "Magic Mike Mailout bcc's" <mmb
Hi,
I guess I spelled haiku wrong yesterday. Actually my spell checker did.
Sorry about missing the bcc yesterday and making the names shown. Please
don't use them. Here are the two best photos from APOD, Aurora Above and
Gamma Ray Sky.
See them at the photolinks page http://funandmagic.com/photolinks2.htmSee a magic trick on mpg http://funandmagic.com/Have a magic day and pass it on.
Magic Mike
parlor.htm
A blonde walks up to a Coke machine and puts in a coin. Out pops a coke. The blonde looks amazed and runs away to get some more coins. She returns and starts feeding the machine madly and of course the machine keeps feeding out drinks. Another person walks up behind the blonde and watches her antics for a few minutes before stopping her and asking if someone else could have a go. The blonde spins around and shouts in her face, "Can't you see I'm winning!"
PEOPLE WHO SHOULD BE PHASED OUT by George Carlin
* Guys who always harmonize the last few notes of "Happy Birthday."
* People over 40 who can't put on reading glasses without making self-conscious remarks about their advancing age.
* Guys who wink when their kidding.
* Men who propose marriage on the giant TV screen at a sports stadium.
* Guys in their fifties who flash me the peace sign and really mean it.
* People with a small patch of natural white hair who thinks it makes them look interesting.
* Guys with creases in their jeans.
* People who know a lot of prayers by heart.
* A celebrity couple who adopt a Third World baby and call it Rain Forest.
* Guys who wear suits all day and think an earring makes them cool at night.
* Old people who tell me what the weather used to be where they used to live.
* Men who have one long, uninterrupted eyebrow.
* Guys who wink and give me the peace sign simultaneously.
* People who say, "Knock knock," when entering a room and, "Beep beep," when someone is in their path.
* Fat guys who laugh at everything.
* People who have memorized a lot of TV-show theme songs and are really proud of it.
* Women who think it's really cute to have first names consisting solely of initials.
* People who give their house or car a name.
* People who give their genitals a name.
* Guys who can juggle, but only a little bit.
* Actors who drive race cars.
* Men who wear loafers without socks. Especially if they have creases in their jeans.
* Athletes and coaches who give more than a hundred percent.
* Guys who still smell like their soap in the late afternoon.
* Blind people who don't want any help.
* Guys who wear watches on the inside of their wrists.
* Any man who wears a suit and tie to a ballgame.
* Guys who flash me the thumbs-up sign. Especially if
they're winking and making the peace sign with the other hand.
*·¤·*·¤·*·¤·*·¤·*·¤·*·¤·*·¤·*·¤·*·¤·*
"You and your husband don't seem to have an awful lot in common," said the new tenant's neighbor. "Why on earth did you get married?" "I suppose it was the old business of 'opposites attract'," was the
reply. "He wasn't pregnant and I was."
One of my neighbors went out for a jog and her husband
left to run an errand. When she came back from her run, she was locked
out of the house. Seeing her pace up and down the yard mumbling, I went
over and asked what was wrong. She said, "Martin's gone out and locked
me out of the house. You just wait til' he gets back home." I invited
her over for some iced tea while she was waiting, and shedeclined saying,
"No thanks, Frank. If I come over and get all relaxed I won't be good
and mad when he gets back."
Like a lot of women from her age group, Juanita knows nothing at all about cigars. She saw me bite the end off one and said, "Why don't you just buy the right size ?" ()[]()[]() She's never been at ease addressing large groups of people. She said that she never knows what to do with her hands. I said, "Why not try putting them over your mouth?"
After being away on business, Tom thought it would be
nice to bring his wife a little gift. How about some perfume?" he
asked the cosmetics clerk. She showed him a bottle costing $50.00. "That's
a bit much," said Tom, so she returned with a smaller bottle for $30.00.
"That's still quite a bit," Tom groused. Growing, disgusted,
the clerk brought out a tiny $15.00 bottle. "What I mean," said
Tom, "is I'd like to see something real cheap." So the clerk
handed him a mirror.
"I've finally found a way to get money out of my husband," a woman told her friend. "We were arguing last night, and I told him I was going home to Mother. He gave me the fare."
An elderly couple, still very loving after all these years, is shocked when the woman's doctor says she has a heart condition that could kill her at any time. She is to avoid stress, eat right, and never, EVER have sex again the strain would be too much. The couple reluctantly try to live by these rules. Both get very frustrated over time, however, and the husband decides he'd better sleep
downstairs on the couch to guard against temptation. This works for a few weeks, until late one night when they meet each other on the stairs - she's coming downstairs, he's heading up. "Honey, I have a confession to make," the woman says, her voice quavering. "I was about to commit suicide." "I'm glad to hear it, sweetie," the man says, "because I was just coming upstairs to kill you!"
Subject: "El Nino Made Me Do It"Date: Wed, 11 Nov 1998 08:12:40 -0800
From: Magic Mike B <mmb
Organization: http://funandmagic.com/
To: "Magic Mike Mailout bcc's" <mmb
"Fools look to tomorrow; wise men use tonight." - Scottish proverb
Hi,
I have enjoyed the humor and hikui
at newsgroup alt.alt.alt.alt.alt
with Durtro and Lurker
I can't find fault
can you?
Durtro has an interesting cool site. Interesting, as
in the Chinese curse, "May you live in interesting times." Hmmm.
VERY interesting. See it while it lasts (until 2012) Seductive art images
and writings. http://members.aol.com/durtro/endtimes.htm Nothing is as HOT as The Eight Burst Nebula
NGC 3132:Credit: Hubble Heritage Team (AURA/ STScI/ NASA) Nicknamed the
Eight-Burst Nebula and the Southern Ring Nebula, the glowing gas originated
in the outer layers of a star like our Sun. Neither the unusual shape of
the surrounding cooler shell nor the structure and placements of the cool
filamentary dust lanes running across NGC 3132 are well understood. See
a magic trick at http://funandmagic.com/Have a magic day and pass it on.
Magic Mike A bus station is where a bus stops.
A train station is where a train stops..
On my desk I have a work station...
If Fed Ex and UPS were to merge, would they call it Fed UP?
Does fuzzy logic tickle?
If a tin whistle is made out of tin, then what, exactly, is a fog horn made out of?
Do Lipton employees take coffee breaks?
What hair color do they put on the driver's licenses of bald men?
What WAS the best thing before sliced bread?
Why are they called apartments, when they're all stuck together?
What do little birdies see when they get knocked unconscious?
Why doesn't Tarzan have a beard?
If you try to fail and succeed, which have you done?
What happens when none of your bees wax?-
-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=
-=-=-=-=--=-=-=-=--=
Bumper Snickers!
I brake for Tailgaters.
You're a pane in my glass.
Motor Home Bumper Sticker: Don't Tailgate Or I'll Flush!
Stable Relationships Are For Horses.
Organized Crime Is Alive And Well; It's Called Auto Insurance.
Boldly going nowhere
CAUTION - Driver legally blonde!
Don't be sexist - broads hate that
How many roads must a man travel down before he admits he is lost?
If you lived in your car, you'd be home by now
Money Isn't Everything, But it Sure Keeps the Kids In Touch-
-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=
-=--=-=-=-=-=--=-=--=--=-=
From the shore, from the mountains, from everywhere, here are The Best
T- Shirts of 1998, as spied by Levey readers over the past few weeks.
"Filthy Stinking Rich -- Well, Two Out of Three Ain't Bad" - Judy Powell, of Charlottesville, who saw it in Old Orchard Beach, Maine.
"Real Men Don't Waste Their Hormones Growing Hair" -- Raymond Goldberg, of Potomac.
"I Speak Fluent Patriarchy But It's Not My Mother Tongue" -- Sadia Carone.
"I Used Up All My Sick Days So I Called In Dead" -- Vera Rausch, of Rockville, and Dave Dunn, of McCoole, Md.
"Husband and Cat Lost -- Reward for Cat" -- Pam Hanlon, of Gambrills.
"Be Nice to Your Children -- They'll Pick Your Nursing Home" -- Barbara Beall.
"Husbands Should Come With Instructions" -- Robert M. Johnston.
"Upon the Advice of My Attorney, My Shirt Bears No Message at This Time" - Pauline Wu.
"Even If You Lead a Good Life, Go to Church and Say Your Prayers, You'll Still Go to St. Louis When You Die" -- Anonymous.
"I Want It All and I Want It Delivered" -- Carol Turnage, of Fairfax.
"Life Is Hard; Then You Nap" -- Judith C. Koch, of Silver Spring.
"Frankly, Scallop, I Don't Give a Clam" -- seen on Cape Cod; Kim Milewski, Waldorf.
"Bigamy Is Having One Wife Too Many. Monogamy Is the Same" Bernard Yaboff, Bethesda.
"I'm Not Suddenly a Dirty Old Man -- I've Been Practicing Since 1943" -- Herman Schwartz, of Takoma Park.
"Happiness Is Seeing Your Mother-in-Law on a Milk Carton" -- Brian Ellingwood.
"Just Give Me Chocolate and Nobody Gets Hurt" -- Karen Reznek.
"Learn from Your Parents' Mistakes - Use Birth Control" - Michael Parrish, Arlington.
"60-Year-Old One Owner Needs Parts Make Offer" -- Hazel A. Garland, Edgewater.
"I Was Once a Millionaire But My Mom Gave Away My Baseball Cards" - Marilyn Harris, of Crofton.
"If God Had Wanted Me to Touch My Toes, He Would Have Put Them on My Knees" -- Helen Schell, of Alexandria.
"If You Can Read This, Thank a Teecher" -- Bob Stamper, of Springfield.
"A Nest Isn't Empty Until All Their Stuff Is Out of the Attic" -- Robert Blatt, of Gaithersburg.
"That's It! I'm Calling Grandma!" -- Kay Siderakis, of Takoma Park.
"Wrinkled Was Not One of the Things I Wanted to Be When I Grew Up" -- Sydney Ann Barr, of Dunkirk.
"My Designated Driver Drove Me to Drink" -- Anonymous via e-mail.
"I Yell Because I Care" -- Linda Spevack.
"If You Remember the '60s, You Weren't Really There" -- Kathleen Phelps, of Arlington, who spotted it in that cauldron of '60s sentimentality, the Rock and Roll Hall of Fame in Cleveland.
"Procrastinate Now" -- Howard Yourow, of Arlington.
"Rehab Is for Quitters" -- Dick Zagby, of Camp Springs.
"Re-Elect Nobody" -- Mickey Gordon, of Fort Defiance, Va.
(Across a drawing of a skeleton) "Waiting for the Perfect Man" -Rosina
Jones, of White Oak.
"My Husband and I Married for Better or Worse -- He Couldn't Do Better and I Couldn't Do Worse" -- Marge Killmon, of Annandale.
"My Dog Can Lick Anyone" -- Frances Reynolds, of Alexandria.
"I Have a Degree in Liberal Arts -- Do You Want Fries With That?" -- Barbara DiRenzo, of Fairfax.
"When the Going Gets Tough, Use Duct Tape" -- Betty Boyd, of Clifton.
"Sleep with a Photographer and Watch Things Develop" -- Betty Collins, Silver Spring.
"Young at Heart -- Slightly Older in Other Places" -- Betty, again.
(Over a sketch of the Titanic) "The Boat Sank. Get Over It" -- Betty Joe Alexander, of Alexandria, first, then many more.
"I Didn't Drive My Husband Crazy -- I Flew Him There -- It Was Faster" -- Anonymous.
"Never Underestimate the Power of Stupid People in Large Groups" -- Dani Kehoe, of Falls Church, who says an airport security guard in Green Bay, Wis., saw it and offered to buy it then and there.
(On a baby-size shirt) "Party -- My Crib -- Two A.M." -- Doris = Stonestreet.
"I Don't Suffer from Insanity -- I'm a Carrier" -- Joe Farrell, of Fairfax.
"Finally 21, and Legally Able to Do Everything I've Been Doing Since I Was 15" -- Casey Conan, of Bethesda.
"El Nino Made Me Do It" -- Sarah Newdorf, of Woodbridge.
"The More I Learn About Women, the More I Love My Car" -- John Sajovec, of Southfield, Mich.
"Aunt Em: Hate You. Hate Kansas. Taking the Dog. Dorothy" -- George Van, who says he bought it just across the river from Kansas, in Kansas City, Mo.Subject: Butterfly
Date: Mon, 09 Nov 1998 23:47:25 -0800
From: Magic Mike B <mmb
Organization: http://funandmagic.com/
To: "Magic Mike Mailout bcc's" <mmb
On the keyboard of life, always keep one finger on the escape key.
Hi,
I have a dramatic photo for you today.WR124: Stellar Fireball Some stars
explode in slow motion. Rare, massive Wolf-Rayet stars are so tumultuous
and hot they are disintegrating right before your eyes. See it at the photolinks
page. http://funandmagic.com/photolinks2.htmHave a magic day and pass it on.
Magic Mike
http://funandmagic.com/"The Cocoon"
A man found a cocoon of a butterfly.
One day a small opening appeared, he sat and watched the butterfly for several hours as it struggled to force its body through that little hole. Then it seemed to stop making any progress. It appeared as if it had gotten as far as it could and it could go no farther. Then the man decided to help the butterfly, so he took a pair of scissors and snipped off the remaining bit of the cocoon.
The butterfly then emerged easily.
But it had a swollen body and small, shriveled wings. The man continued to watch the butterfly because he expected that, at any moment, the wings would enlarge and expand to be able to support the body, which would contract in time. Neither happened! In fact, the butterfly spent the rest of its life crawling around with a swollen body and shriveled wings.
It never was able to fly.
What the man in his kindness and haste did not understand was that the restricting cocoon and the struggle required for the butterfly to get through the tiny opening were G-d's way of forcing fluid from the body of the butterfly into its wings so that it would be ready for flight once it achieved its freedom from the cocoon.
Sometimes struggles are exactly what we need in our life. If G-d allowed us to go through our life without any obstacles, it would cripple us. We would not be as strong as what we could have been.
And we could never fly.
-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=
The European Commission has just announced an agreement whereby English
will be the official language of the European Union rather than German,
which was the other possibility. As part of the negotiations, Her Majesty's
Government conceded that English spelling had some room for improvement
and has accepted a 5-year
phase-in plan in which the new official language will be known as "Euro-English".In the first year, 's' will replace the soft 'c'. Sertainly, this will make the sivil servants jump with joy. Also the hard 'c' will be dropped in favor of the 'k'. This should klear up konfusion and keyboards kan have one less letter.
There will be growing publik enthusiasm in the sekond year when the troublesome 'ph' will be replased with the 'f'. This will make words like 'fotograf' 20% shorter than in kurrent English!
In the 3rd year, publik akseptanse of the new spelling kan be expected to reach the stage where more komplikated changes are possible. Governments will enkorage the removal of double leters which have always ben a deterent to akurate speling. Also, al wil agre that the horible mes of the silent 'e' in the languag is disgrasful and it should go away.
By the 4th year, peopl wil be reseptiv to steps such as replasing 'th' with 'z' and 'w' wiz 'v'. During ze fifz year ze unesesary 'o' kan be dropd from vords kontaining 'ou' and similar changes vud of kurs be aplid to ozer kombinations of leters. After ze fifz yer ve vil hav a rali sensibl ritn styl. Zer vil be no mor trubl or difikultis and evriun vil find it ezi tu undrstand ech ozer.
Zen Z Drem Vil Finali Kum Tru!! And yur komputr spel-ckekr vil be no gud anymor!!
Truisms ALWAYS GIVE 100% AT WORK:
12% Monday
23% Tuesday
40% Wednesday
20% Thursday
5% Friday
Seen in a health food store_ "Shoplifters will be beaten over the head with an organic carrot"
"Children left unattended will be towed at parents
expense."
Bumper Snickers!
I brake for Tailgaters.
You're a pane in my glass.
Motor Home Bumper Sticker: Don't Tailgate Or I'll Flush!
Stable Relationships Are For Horses.
Organized Crime Is Alive And Well; It's Called Auto Insurance.
Boldly going nowhere
CAUTION - Driver legally blonde!
Don't be sexist - broads hate that
How many roads must a man travel down before he admits he is lost?
If you lived in your car, you'd be home by now
Money Isn't Everything, But it Sure Keeps the Kids In Touch
parlor.htmSubject: something old, something new.
Date: Sun, 08 Nov 1998 21:32:45 -0800
From: Magic Mike B <mmb
Organization: http://funandmagic.com/
To: "Magic Mike Mailout bcc's" <mmb
Hi,
Here's a couple things for you today. A snapshot from a Japanese site,
a fun place called cartoon of the day, and a great place to see film clips
from Hollywood. Stop by the photolinks page and make the jumping whale
your wallpaper today. http://funandmagic.com/photolinks2.htm
So far, I find MS Media Player6 more stable, but Real Player G2 has
more audio presets for music and radio. So, I use both! Go see a magic
trick http://funandmagic.com/
While you are there, sign up for A PENNY/minute long distance! http://funandmagic.com/mmmoney.htmHave a magic day. Pass it on.
Magic Mike
True Story From Michigan, USA.
A guy buys a brand new Grand Cherokee for $30,000+, and has $400.00+ in monthly payments. He's pretty proud of this rig, and gets a hold of his friend to do some male bonding with the new ride. They go duck hunting and of course all the lakes are frozen. These two Atomic Brains go to the lake with their guns, the dog, the beer and of course the new vehicle. They drive out onto the ice. Now, they want to make some kind of a natural landing area to attract ducks--something the decoys will float on.
Remember it's all ice, and in order to make a hole large enough to interest a flock of ducks - a hole big enough to entice ducks to land, they needed to use a little more than an ice hole drill.
So, out of the back of the brand-new Jeep Grand Cherokee comes a stick of dynamite with a short 40-Second fuse. Now to their credit, these two rocket scientists DID take into consideration that if they placed the stick of dynamite on the ice at a location far from where they (and the new Grand Cherokee) would be waiting, and ran back quickly, they would risk slipping on the ice as they ran from the imminent explosion, and could possibly go up in smoke with the resulting blast.
After a little deliberation, they come up with lighting and THROWING the dynamite, which is what they end up doing. Remember a couple of paragraphs back when I mentioned the vehicle, the beer, the guns AND THE DOG???? Yes, the dog. The driver's pet Black Lab (used for retrieving-especially things thrown by the owner). You guessed it, the dog takes off at a high rate of doggy speed on the ice, reaching the stick of dynamite with the burning 40 second fuse about the time it hits the ice - all to the woe of the two idiots which are now yelling, stomping, waving arms and wondering what the heck to do now?!
The dog is happy and now heads back toward the "hunters" with the stick of dynamite. I think we all can picture the ever-increasing concern on the part of the brain trust, as the loyal Labrador Retriever approaches. The Bozos now are REALLY waving their arms - yelling even louder and generally feeling kinda panicked. Now finally one of the guys decides to think - something that neither had done before this moment, grabs a shotgun and shoots the dog.
This sounds better than it really is, because the shotgun was loaded with #8 duck shot and hardly effective enough to stop a Black Lab. The dog DID stop for a moment, slightly confused, but then continued on. Another shot, and this time the dog - still standing, became REALLY confused and of course scared. TOTALLY INSANE, the pooch takes off to find cover with a now extremely short fuse still burning on the stick of dynamite. The cover the dogs finds?
Underneath the brand new Grand Cherokee worth 30-some thousand dollars, the $400.00+ monthly payment vehicle that is sitting nearby on the lake ice. BOOM!!
Dog dies, vehicle sinks to bottom of lake, and these two "Co-Leaders of the Known Universe" are left standing there with this "I can't EVEN believe this happened to me" look on their faces. Later, the owner of the vehicle calls his insurance company and is promptly informed that sinking a vehicle in a lake by illegal use of explosives is NOT covered on his policy.
He had yet to make his first car payment.
-==-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=
-=-=-=-=
God has a way of allowing us to be in the right place at the right time.
I was walking down a dimly lit street late one evening when I heard muffled screams coming from behind a clump of bushes. Alarmed, I slowed down to listen, and panicked when I realized that what I was hearing were the unmistakable sounds of a struggle: heavy grunting, frantic scuffling, and tearing of fabric. Only yards from where I stood, a woman was being attacked.
Should I get involved? I was frightened for my own safety, and cursed myself for having suddenly decided to take a new route home that night.
What if I became another statistic? Shouldn't I just run to the nearest phone and call the police?
Although it seemed an eternity, the deliberations in my head had taken only seconds, but already the girl's cries were growing weaker. I knew I had to act fast. How could I walk away from this? No, I finally resolved, I could not turn my back on the fate of this unknown woman, even if it meant risking my own life.
I am not a brave man, nor am I athletic. I don't know where I found the moral courage and physical strength--- but once I had finally resolved to help the girl, I became strangely transformed. I ran behind the bushes and pulled the assailant off the woman. Grappling, we fell to the ground, where we wrestled for a few minutes until the attacker jumped up and escaped.
Panting hard, I scrambled upright and approached the girl, who was crouched behind a tree, sobbing. In the darkness, I could barely see her outline, but I could certainly sense her trembling shock.
Not wanting to frighten her further, I at first spoke to her from a distance. "It's OK," I said soothingly. "The man ran away. You're safe now."
There was a long pause and then I heard the words, uttered in wonder, in
amazement.
"Dad, is that you?"
And then, from behind the tree, stepped my youngest daughter, Katherine.
-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=
-=--=--=-=
Did you hear about the guy who lost his left arm and leg in a car crash?
He's all right now.
Did you hear about the man who was tap dancing? He broke his ankle when he fell into the sink.
How do crazy people go through the forest? They take the psycho path.
How do you get holy water? Boil the hell out of it.
How does a spoiled rich girl change a lightbulb? She says, "Daddy, I want a new apartment."
What did the fish say when he hit a concrete wall? "Dam."
What do Eskimos get from sitting on the ice too long? Polaroids.
What do prisoners use to call each other? Cell phones.
What do the letters D.N.A. stand for? National Dyslexics Association.
What do you call a boomerang that doesn't work? A stick.
What do you call cheese that isn't yours? Nacho Cheese.
What do you call Santa's helpers? Subordinate Clauses.
What do you call four bull fighters in quicksand? Quatro sinko.
What do you get from a pampered cow? Spoiled milk.
What do you get when you cross a snowman with a vampire? Frostbite.
What do you get when you cross an elephant and a skin doctor? A pachydermatologist
What has four legs, is big, green, fuzzy, and if it fell out of a tree would kill you? A pool table.
What is a zebra? 26 sizes larger than an "A" bra.
What kind of coffee was served on the Titanic? Sanka. ...and what kind of lettuce? Iceberg.
What lies at the bottom of the ocean and twitches? A nervous wreck.
What's the difference between an oral thermometer and a rectal thermometer? The taste.
What's the difference between roast beef and pea soup? Anyone can roast beef.
Where do you find a no legged dog? Right where you left him.
Where do you get virgin wool from? Ugly sheep.
Why are there so many Smiths in the phone book? They all have phones.
Why do bagpipers walk when they play? They're trying to get away from the noise.
Why do gorillas have big nostrils? Because they have big fingers!!
parlor.htmSubject: Jedi Redneck, Helpful Hints, Friends
Date: Sat, 07 Nov 1998 08:35:51 -0800
From: Magic Mike B <mmb
Organization: http://funandmagic.com/
To: "Magic Mike Mailout bcc's" <mmb
Hi,
Today's photo is from APOD, Globular Cluster 47 Tucanae, a mere 20,000
light years away. See it at http://funandmagic.com/photolinks2.htm
The Best Photos on the Internet. Please send some more! In a galaxy
far far away, there were these rednecks..... What? You thought rednecks
were only from Alabama?
Have a magic day and pass it on but not by.
Magic Mike
parlor.htm"
And you might be a Redneck Jedi If . . .
* You ever heard the phrase, "May the force be with y'all." * Your Jedi robe is a camouflage color. * You have ever used your light saber to open a bottle of Boone's Farm Strawberry Hill. * At least one wing of your X-Wings is primer colored. * You have bantha horns on the front of your land speeder. * You can easily describe the taste of an Ewok. * You have ever had an X-wing up on blocks in your yard. * You ever lost a hand during a light saber fight because you had to spit. * The worst part of spending time on Dagobah is the dadgum skeeters. * Wookies are offended by your BO * You have ever used the force to get yourself another beer so you didn't have to wait for a commercial. * You have ever used the force in conjunction with fishing/bowling. * Your father has ever said to you, "Shoot, son come on over to the darkside...it'll be a hoot." * You have ever had your R-2 unit use its self-defense electro-shock thingy to get the barbecue grill to light. * You have a confederate flag painted on the hood of your landspeeder. * You think Han Solo would look better in a flannel cause he looks like a little sissy in that vest. * You ever fantasized about Princess Leah wearing Daisy Duke shorts. * You have the doors of your X-wing welded shut and you have to get in through the window. * Although you had to kill him, you kinda thought that Jabba the Hutt had a pretty good handle on how to treat his women. * You ever fell in love with your sister. * You have ever accidentally referred to Darth Vader's evil empire as "them damn Yankees." * You have a cousin who bears a strong resemblance to Chewbacca. * You suggested that they outfit the Millennium Falcon with red wood deck. * You were the only person drinking Jack Daniels on the rocks during the can'tina scene. * In your opinion, that Darth Vader fellow just "ain't right."
-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=
-=-=-=-=-=-=----
HINTS
1) Cure for headaches: Take a lime, cut it in half and rub it on your forehead. The throbbing will go.
2) Use of soap wrapper: Don't throw away the wrapper after removing a bar of soap. Place it inside your shoe cabinet or shoe box. It's a cheap way of filling the air with a nice smell.
3) If your polished furniture has small scratches: Try rubbing them with a shelled walnut. You'll see the scratches just disappear!
4) Are your shoes smelly: Here's a solution. Put some tea leaves into a pair of stockings and stuff each into a shoe. Leave for a day or two and the smell just vanishes!
5) Don't throw out all that leftover wine. Freeze into ice cubes for future use in casseroles and sauces.
6) If you have problem opening jars: Try using latex dishwashing gloves. They give a non-slip grip that makes opening jars easy!
7) Tips for stamp collectors: Place the envelope in the freezer for a few hours. You'll then be able to easily lift the stamps off with a pair of tweezers.
8) To keep buttons from dropping off: Dab a drop of clear nail polish onto the thread the secures the buttons. This will harden and make it more difficult for thread to break off.
SUPER HINTS1) Are cockroaches in your home driving you mad? Try this tested trick. Fill a large bowl with cheap wine and leave it under the sink. The pests will drink it, get drunk, fall in the bowl and drown...easy!
2) To avoid hurting your fingers while hammering metal nails into the wall: Hold the nails with a wooden clothes peg instead. So even if you miss, you won't get hurt.
3) To take the tears out of chopping onions: Plug in a portable fan and turn it to high. It'll help blow away the fumes from your eyes - no more tears!
4) Potatoes will take food stains off your fingers. Just slice and rub raw potato on the stains and rinse with water.
5) To get rid of itch from mosquito bite: try applying soap on the area instant relief!
6) Ants, ants, ants everywhere... Well, they are said to never cross a
chalk line. So get your chalk out and draw a line on the floor or wherever ants tend to march- see for yourself!
7) Egg shells can be used to clean glass bottles: Break the shells into pieces, drop them into the bottle with a few drops of detergent and a bit of water, and shake vigorously. Then rinse with water.
8) Don't panic if your soup's too salty: Add cut raw potatoes and throw them away once they are cooked and have absorbed the salt. Your soup's saved!
SUPER DUPER HINTS1) To return discoloured socks to their original colour: Boil them in a pot of water with a few slices of lemon. The fruit acts as a natural bleach.
4) Use air-freshener to clean mirrors: It does a good job and better still, leave a lovely smell to the shine.
5) If you have problem with slippery shoelaces which refuse to stay tied: Rub them with a candle and make them less slippery so that knots stay put.
6) If you have stubborn grease stains on your work clothes: Add a bottle of Coke with detergent. It'll help loosen the grease.
7) Renew the features on your old faded dolls' faces: By blending in a cream foundation. Then apply a little rouge on the cheeks and for lips, nail polish. Waterproof mascara can be used on eyes lashes.
8) Dirty marks on your white court shoes: Just drop some medicated oil on a piece of cloth and clean off those dirty marks on your white court shoes. They'll be looking as good as new again.
First AidWhen you get a splinter, reach for the scotch tape before resorting to tweezers or a needle. Simply put the scotch tape over the splinter, then pull it off. Scotch tape removes most splinters painlessly and easily.
HOW TO DETECT A TWO WAY MIRRORWhen we visit toilets, bathrooms, hotel rooms, changing
rooms etc, how many of you know for sure that the seemingly ordinary mirror
hanging on the wall is a real mirror, or actually a two-way mirror?? Just
conduct this simple test: Place the tip of your fingernail against the
reflective surface and if there is a GAP between your fingernail and the
image of the nail, then it is a GENUINE mirror. However, if your fingernail
DIRECTLY TOUCHES the image of your nail, then BEWARE, for it is a two-way
mirror ! --=-=-=-=-=-=
-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=---=-=
-=
Subject: The ABC of Friends A Friend....
(A)ccepts you as you are (B)elieves in "you" (C)alls you
just to say "HI" (D)oesn't give up on you (E)nvisions the whole
of you (even the unfinished parts) (F)orgives your mistakes (G)ives unconditionally
(H)elps you (I)nvites you over (J)ust "be" with you (K)eeps you
close at heart (L)oves you for who you are (M)akes a difference in your
life (N)ever Judges (O)ffers support (P)icks you up (Q)uiets your fears
(R)aises your spirits (S)ays nice things about you (T)ells you the truth
when you need to hear it (U)nderstands you (V)alues you (W)alks beside
you (X)-plain things you don't understand (Y)ells when you won't listen
and (Z)aps you back to reality
A FRIEND IS A TREASURE
A friend is someone we turn to When our spirits need a lift, A friend
is someone we treasure For our friendship is a gift, A friend is someone
who fills our lives With beauty, joy, and grace And makes the world we
live in A better and happier place.
Subject: TAIF stuff
Date: Fri, 06 Nov 1998 09:20:18 -0800
From: Magic Mike B <mmb
To: "Magic Mike Mailout bcc's" <mmb
Bumper Sticker: I'm not over the hill. I'm on the back nine!
Hi,
It's TAIF. Thank ANYBODY It's Friday! (B.Y.O.G.). Today I have a link to
a photogallery that has a pic of beautiful bathing bodies. http://funandmagic.com/photolinks2.htm
I DO need more photo links. If you stumble upon a nice gallery please
email me.
Have a magic day and forward it around the world in 90 seconds.
Magic Mike
http://funandmagic.com/** Proprietary **
This married couple was on holiday in Pakistan. They were touring around the marketplace looking at the goods and such, when they passed this small sandal shop. From inside they heard a gentleman with a Pakistani accent say, "You, foreigners! Come in. Come into my humble shop." So the married couple walked in. The Pakistani man said to them, "I have some special sandals I think you'd be interested in. They make you wild at sex like a great desert camel." Well, the wife was really interested in buying the sandals after what the man had claimed, but her husband felt he really didn't need them, being the sex god he was. The husband asked the man, "How could sandals make you into a sex freak?" The Pakistani man replied, "Just try them on." Well, the husband, after much badgering from his wife, finally conceded to try them on. As soon as he slipped them onto his feet, he got this wild look in his eyes; something his wife hadn't seen in many years--raw sexual power. In a blink of an eye, the husband rushed the Pakistani man, threw him on a table and started tearing at the guy's pants. All the time the Pakistani man was screaming, "YOU HAVE THEM ON THE WRONG FEET!"
God looks down on earth and decides he's had enough. With
a crack of thunder, he summons to heaven the 3 most powerful people on
earth...Bill Clinton, Boris Yeltsin, and Bill Gates.
"Gentlemen," God says, "I have called you here because I am truly disappointed in humans and decided to end the world. You have one week to prepare your people." With a crack of thunder, God sends all three back to earth.
Clinton calls together his cabinet and tells them: "I have good news and bad news. The good news is that there is a God. The bad news is that he is really ticked off and is going to end the world in a week."
Yeltsin calls together his Parliament and says: "Comrades, I have bad news and worse news. The bad news is that we were wrong, there is a God. The worse news is that he is mad at us and the world is going to end in a week." Gates calls together his top engineers and says, "I have good news and better news. The good news is God considers me one of the three most powerful people in the world. The better news is we don't have to fix Windows 98." -=-=-=-=-=-=--=-=-=-=-=--=-=-=-=-=--==-=-=-=-=-=-==-=-=-=-=-=--=All About Middle Age* Past 50, men are faced with a lot of temptations -- usually, they pick the one that gets them home earliest. * Middle age is when you know your way around -- but you'd rather not go. * I don't have wrinkles, I have "laugh lines" -- I laugh an awful lot! * Middle age is when your Granddaughter asks you about the 60's Because they're studying the era in history class. * Being 55 is a lot like driving 55 on the highway -- so many people pass ya. * Middle age is when you can't turn off your VCR -- or turn on the girls. * Now that I can easily afford to lose a golf ball -- I can't hit any that far anyway. * Middle age is a time when it takes longer to rest than it does to get tired. * You know you're slipping when you put tenderizer on your hot oatmeal in the morning. * Middle age is when work is a lot less fun -- and fun is a lot more work. * At 55, everything's starting to click for me -- my elbows, my neck, my knees. * Middle age is when women lie about their age -- some women even lie about their dog's age. -==
-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=
--=---==--==-==-=--=
25 things I have learned in 50 years (by Dave Barry)
1. The badness of a movie is directly proportional to the number of helicopters in it.
2. You will never find anybody who can give you a clear and compelling reason why we observe daylight-saving time.
3. People who feel the need to tell you that they have an excellent sense of humor are telling you that they have no sense of humor.
4. The most valuable function performed by the federal government is entertainment.
5. You should never say anything to a woman that even remotely suggests you think she's pregnant unless you can see an actual baby emerging from her at that moment.
6. A penny saved is worthless.
7. They can hold all the peace talks they want, but there will never be peace in the Middle East. Billions of years from now, when Earth is hurtling toward the Sun and there is nothing left alive on the planet except a few microorganisms, the microorganisms living in the Middle East will be bitter enemies.
8. The most powerful force in the universe is gossip.
9. The one thing that unites all human beings, regardless of age, gender, religion, economic status, or ethnic background, is that, deep down inside, we all believe that we are above-average drivers.
10. There comes a time when you should stop expecting other people to make a big deal about your birthday. That time is age 11.
11. There is a very fine line between "hobby" and "mental illness."
12. People who want to share their religious views with you almost never want you to share yours with them.
13. There apparently exists, somewhere in Los Angeles, a computer that generates concepts for television sitcoms. When TV executives need a new concept, they turn on this computer; after sorting through millions of possible plot premises, it spits out, "THREE QUIRKY BUT ATTRACTIVE YOUNG PEOPLE LIVING IN AN APARTMENT," and the executives turn this concept into a show. The next time they need an idea, the computer spits out, "SIX QUIRKY BUT ATTRACTIVE YOUNG PEOPLE LIVING IN AN APARTMENT." Then the next time, it spits out, "FOUR QUIRKY BUT ATTRACTIVE YOUNG PEOPLE LIVING IN AN APARTMENT." And so on. We need to locate this computer and destroy it with hammers.
14. Nobody is normal.
15. At least once per year, some group of scientists will become very excited and announce that:
* The universe is even bigger than they thought!
* There are even more subatomic particles than they thought!
* Whatever they announced last year about global warming is wrong.
16. If you had to identify, in one word, the reason why the human race has not achieved, and never will achieve, its full potential, that word would be "meetings."
17. The main accomplishment of almost all organized protests is to annoy people who are not in them.
18. The value of advertising is that it tells you the exact opposite of what the advertiser actually thinks. For example:
* If the advertisement says "This is not your father's Oldsmobile," the advertiser is desperately concerned that this Oldsmobile, like all other Oldsmobiles, appeals primarily to old farts like your father.
* If Coke and Pepsi spend billions of dollars to convince you that there are significan't differences between these two products, both companies realize that Pepsi and Coke are virtually identical.
* If the advertisement strongly suggests that Nike shoes enable athletes to perform amazing feats, Nike wants you to disregard the fact that shoe brand is unrelated to athletic ability.
* If Budweiser runs an elaborate advertising campaign stressing the critical importance of a beer's "born-on" date, Budweiser knows this factor has virtually nothing to do with how good a beer tastes.
19. If there really is a God who created the entire universe with all of its glories, and He decides to deliver a message to humanity, He will not use, as His messenger, a person on cable TV with a bad hairstyle.
20. You should not confuse your career with your life.
21. A person who is nice to you, but rude to the waiter, is not a nice person.
22. No matter what happens, somebody will find a way to take it too seriously.
23. When trouble arises and things look bad, there is always one individual who perceives a solution and is willing to take command. Very often, that individual is crazy.
24. Your friends love you anyway.
25. Nobody cares if you can't dance well. Just get up and dance.
parlor.htmSubject: Bad Winter, Saturn on-edge
Date: Thu, 05 Nov 1998 10:11:43 -0800
From: Magic Mike B <mmb
To: "Magic Mike Mailout bcc's" <mmb
Hi,
Well, November weather is setting in, and all the ants
are preparing for December, January, and February. I sure hope our mucking
around with the biosphere doesn't throw us off 10 degrees in Summer or
Winter or we will be toast. Or popsicles. El Nino's warmth put more water
in the air. We have big ozone holes. And we have too much carbon emissions
and gases. I am noticing these intense hurricanes are part of it, and we
are having some drastic polar melting. More water is going in the air from
the higher evaporation rate due to emissions and I predict we will have
more strong hurricanes and tornadoes in the next few years. And I predict
that extra water will make two hard winters with lots of snow. I say let's
get the solar/electric cars going, solar panel roofs, and QUIT BURNING
FOSSIL FUEL!
A 77 year old in space makes us think of when space travel
will be commonplace. If you were approaching Saturn aboard an interplanetary
cruise ship, what you see would closely resemble this subtly shaded view
of the gorgeous ringed gas giant. Processed by the Hubble Heritage project,
the picture intentionally avoids overemphasizing color contrasts and presents
a natural looking Saturn with cloud bands, storms, nearly edge-on rings,
and the small round shadow of the moon Enceladus near the center of the
planet's disk. Of course, seats were not available on the only ship currently
enroute - the Cassini spacecraft, launched just over a year ago and scheduled
to arrive at Saturn in the year 2004. After an extended cruise to a world
1,400 million kilometers from the Sun, Cassini will tour the Saturnian
system, conducting a remote, robotic exploration with software and instruments
designed by denizens of planet Earth. -APOD
Hey, this is a cute, fun site of colors, art, and origami.
http://www.hexatron.com/index.htmlHave a magic day and forward it.
Magic Mike
It was a dark and stormy night...
Bob Hill and his new wife Betty were vacationing in Europe, as it happens, near Transylvania. They were driving in a rental car along a rather deserted highway. It was late, and raining very hard. Bob could barely see 20 feet in front of the car.
Suddenly the car skids out of control! Bob attempts to control the car, but to no avail! The car swerves and smashes into a tree.
Moments later, Bob shakes his head to clear the fog. Dazed, he looks over at the passenger seat and sees his wife unconscious, with her head bleeding! Despite the rain and unfamiliar countryside, Bob knows he has to carry her to the nearest phone.
Bob carefully picks his wife up and begins trudging down the road. After a short while, he sees a light. He heads towards the light, which is coming from an old, large house. He approaches the door and knocks.
A minute passes. A small, hunched man opens the door. Bob immediately blurts, "Hello, my name is Bob Hill, and this is my wife Betty. We've been in a terrible accident, and my wife has been seriously hurt. Can I please use your phone??"
"I'm sorry," replied the hunchback, "but we don't have a phone. My master is a doctor; come in and I will get him!"
Bob brings his wife in. An elegant man comes down the stairs. "I'm afraid my assistant may have misled you. I am not a medical doctor; I am a scientist. However, it is many miles to the nearest clinic, and I have had a basic medical training. I will see what I can do. Igor, bring them down to the laboratory."
With that, Igor picks up Betty and carries her downstairs, with Bob following closely. Igor places Betty on a table in the lab. Bob collapses from exhaustion and his own injuries, so Igor places Bob on an adjoining table.
After a brief examination, Igor's master looks worried. "Things are serious, Igor. Prepare a transfusion." Igor and his master work feverishly, but to no avail. Bob and Betty Hill are no more.
The Hills' deaths upset Igor's master greatly. Wearily, he climbs the steps to his conservatory, which houses his grand piano. For it is here that he has always found solace. He begins to play, and a stirring, almost haunting, melody fills the house.
Meanwhile, Igor is still in the lab tidying up. His eyes catch movement, and he notices the fingers on Betty's hand twitch, keeping time to the haunting piano music. Stunned, he watches as Bob's arm begins to rise, marking the beat! He is further amazed as Betty sits straight up!
Unable to contain himself, he dashes up the stairs to the conservatory.
He bursts in and shouts to his master:
"Master, Master! ... The Hills are alive with the sound of music!
Subject: Yankee humor:Three Baseball fans were on their way to a game when one noticed a foot sticking out of the bushes by the side of the road. They stopped and discovered a nude female, drunk and passed out.
Out of respect and propriety, the Indians fan took off his cap and placed it over her right breast. The Padres fan took off his cap and placed it over her left breast. Following their lead, the Yankees fan took off his cap and placed it over her crotch.
The police were called and when the officer arrived, he conducted his inspection. First, he lifted up the Indians cap, replaced it, and wrote down some notes. Next, he lifted the Padres cap, replaced it, and wrote down some more notes. The officer then lifted the Yankees cap, replaced it, then lifted it again, replaced it, lifted it a third time, and replaced it one last time.
The Yankees fan was getting upset and finally asked, "What are you, a pervert or something?" "Why do you keep lifting and looking, lifting and looking?"
"Well," said the officer, "I am simply surprised; normally when I look under a Yankees hat, I find an asshole.
A young woman had entered her dog in the dog show in the smooth-haired breed category. To give it an advantage, she went to the pharmacist for some hair remover.
The chemist gave her the product requested and advised, "Just remember to keep your arms up for at least five minutes"
"Errr... it's not for my armpits," she flustered, embarrassed, "it's for my Chihuahua"
"Oh well, in that case," said the pharmacist, "don't ride a bike for three days."
Subject: Jokes & How To Make Direct Cable Connection work between two computers
Date: Wed, 04 Nov 1998 10:21:14 -0800
From: Magic Mike B <mmb
To: "Magic Mike Mailout bcc's" <mmb
Sometimes I feel like an idiot, sometimes I feel like a genius. Sometimes, I feel like a nut! -mm
Hi,
These computers give you heartburn, you know? I bought
a new IBM Aptiva E4N with the new AMD K6 chip that is faster than a Pentium
2 for $1100 with monitor and V90 modem, and I managed to sell my Pentium100
in the newspaper for $700. I wanted to transfer files didn't want to lose.There
is a Windows accessories program called Direct Cable Connect.
It didn't work. I noticed my package was previously opened. I took the cable back. Then I noticed, ALL the boxes were previously opened. People try this, it doesn't work, and they take the cable back. The clerk said he couldn't get it to work. I called Circuit City. Same. I called AST customer service. Same. I called IBM customer service. "Call Microsoft". I called Microsoft. It wasn't under warranty. Do I want the number to the $35 a call line? No, but okay. I'm on hold for 10 minutes. In the last two minutes I figured it out and saved $35. Necessity is the mother of invention.
In Control Panel/Network IXP compatible must be one of
your properties, but most important, file and print sharing button must
be pressed. (When you are done, come back and remove). Then, click identification
tab on Network and name your computer. Then, in exploring, the folders
you want to transfercan now be enabled with a right click choose Sharing,
and sharing must be on and the mode must be changed from read only to full.
Then make your computers host and guest with Direct Cable program. The
host will eventually ask for the name of the host that you named. Then
you will see the shared folders on the guest. What ever FILES, not folders
you want select or select/all and COPY. Then Go to my computer in Win98
(or exploring in Win95), which puts you back on your computer and select
or create a folder and click PASTE. You should see a transfer rate. There
is a limit around 40-80 megs. If a folder has more than that, split it
up. When you are finished, turn your shared folders off by Sharing with
a right click and turn it off.
Well, another puzzle solved. So much for technical support at stores and
1-800.
Want to see a square galaxy? See it at today's photolink
page. http://funandmagic.com/photolinks2.htm
Also a link to the debate on Big Bang. I have my own theory. It's the multi-convoluted
Big Squeeze. Hubble's Constant precludes our seeing past a mere 25 billion
light years. After that, the relativistic speed ofrecession of objects,
due to redshift effect keeps light from that space from ever reaching us
to infinity. I don't believe there is a finite universe. I think our Hubble
Observable Universe is one of many Unobservable Universes, and when a Big
Bang happens in a local area, I wonder how it got there. I think the collapse
of an Observable Universe at it's end, like the collapse of a star that
produces a black hole or a neutron star, creates a super black hole that
makes the Big Bang squeeze out the Field into another area. And I think
there are multiple Big Bangs in other dimensions.
Enough, here are the jokes!
Have a magic day and pass it to the Moon, Alice!
Magic Mike parlor.htm
"NBA PLAYER ADOPTION PROGRAM" NEEDS YOU
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With an NBA player's strike against the team owners, now is the time for us to show the world just how much we care. It's just not right. Hundreds of basketball players in our very own country are living at or just below the seven-figure salary line. And as if that weren't bad enough, they will be deprived of pay for several weeks, possibly a whole year!
But now you can help!
For about two thousand dollars a day -- that's less than the cost of a large screen projection TV -- you can help keep a basketball player economically viable during his time of need. Two thousand dollars a day may not seem like a lot of money to you, but to a basketball player, it could mean the difference between a vacation spent golfing in Florida or a Mediterranean cruise.
For you, two thousand dollars is nothing more than three months rent or mortgage payments. But to a basketball player, two thousand dollars a day will almost replace his salary. Your commitment of two thousand dollars a day will enable a player to buy that home entertainment center, trade in the year old Lexus for a new Ferrari, or enjoy a weekend in Rio.
"HOW WILL I KNOW I'M HELPING?" Each month, you will receive a complete financial report on the player you sponsor. Detailed information about his stocks, bonds, 401(k), real estate and other investment holdings will be mailed to your home. You'll alsoget information on how he plans to invest the $5 million lump sum he will receive upon retirement.
"HOW WILL HE KNOW I'M HELPING" Your basketball player will be told that he has a SPECIAL FRIEND who just wants to help in a time of need. Although the player won't know your name, he will be able to make collect calls to your home via a special operator just in case additional funds are needed for unexpected expenses. Simply fill out the form below.
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.- - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - -
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-----------------
YES, I want to help! I would like to sponsor a striking
NBA basketball player. My preference is checked below:
[ ] Starter
[ ] Reserve
[ ] Star*
[ ] Superstar**
[ ] Entire team***
[ ] I'll sponsor a player most in need.
Please select one for me.
* Higher cost
** Much higher cost
*** Please call our 900 number to ask for the cost of a specific team.
(Does not include cheerleaders) Please charge the account listed below
$2,054.79 per day for reserve or starter for the duration of the strike.
Please send me a picture of the player I have sponsored, along with a team logo and my very own NBA Players Association badge to wear proudly on my lapel.
[ ] MasterCard [ ] Visa [ ] American Express [ ] Discover [ ]Diner's Club Your Name: ________________________ Telephone Number: ____________________ Account Number: _________________________ Exp. Date: __________ Signature: ___________________________
Mail completed form to NBA Players Association or call 1-888-TOOMUCH now to enroll by phone. (Children under 18 must have parent's approval) Note: Sponsors are not permitted to contact the player they have sponsored, either in person or by other means including, but not limited to, telephone calls, letters, e-mail, or third parties. Keep in mind that the basketball player you have sponsored will be much too busy enjoying his free time, thanks to your generous donations.
Oh yes, contributions are not tax deductible.-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=
-=-=-=-=-=-=-=
-=--==
YOU KNOW YOU'VE BEEN IN COLLEGE TOO LONG WHEN:
* You think McDonald's is "real food". * You actually like
doing laundry at home. * 4:00 a.m. is still early on the weekends. * Two
miles is not too far to walk for a party. * You wear dirty socks three
times in a row and think nothing of it. * You'd rather clean than study.
* "Oh wow, how did it get so late!" comes out of your mouth at
least once a night. * Minesweeper (or Solitaire) is more than a game ...
It's a way of life. * You schedule your classes around soaps. * You know
the pizza boy by name. * You go to sleep when it's light and get up when
it's dark. * You live for getting mail. * Prank phone calls become funny
again. * Blacklights and highlighters are the coolest things on earth.
* Rearranging your room is a favorite pastime. * You find out milk crates
have so many uses. * You sit around making lists of how you know you've
been in college too long.
Maxims for the Internet Age
1. Home is where you hang your @ 2. The E-mail of the species is more
deadly than the mail. 3. A journey of a thousand sites begins with a single
click. 4. You can't teach a new mouse old clicks. 5. Great groups from
little icons grow. 6. Speak softly and carry a cellular phone. 7. C:\ is
the root of all directories. 8. Don't put all your hypes in one home page.
9. Pentium wise; pen and paper foolish. 10. The modem is the message. 11.
Too many clicks spoil the browse. 12. The geek shall inherit the earth.
13. A chat has nine lives. 14. Don't byte off more than you can view. 15.
Fax is stranger than fiction. 16. What boots up must come down. 17. Windows
will never cease. 18. In Gates we trust (and our tender is legal). 19.
Virtual reality is its own reward. 20. Modulation in all things. 21. A
user and his leisure time are soon parted. 22. There's no place like http://www.home.com
23. Know what to expect before you connect. 24. Oh, what a tangled website
we weave when first we practice. 25. Speed thrills. 26. Give a man a fish
and you feed him for a day; teach him to use the Net and he won't bother
you for weeks.
Bad Luck
* One of my neighbors claims to be the unluckiest guy on the planet.
His wife gave him a really expensive watch for his birthday. It was shatterproof,
breakproof, shockproof and waterproof. He lost it.
Subject: [Fwd: PP 98 - 27]
Date: Mon, 02 Nov 1998 23:26:59 -0800
From: Magic Mike B <mmb
To: "Magic Mike Mailout bcc's" <mmb
Hi,
Well, I hope you will ALL vote tomorrow! Except Ivan and all his Brit friends.
Hi Ivan! Just keep the peace there lads. Here's a Planet Proctor for ya!.
Buy Phil's album. Hi, Phil! Phil wrote what we all thought about chain
letters. My Dad, brother and Sierra are the worst. Hi, Sierra! And Phil's
gonna be pissed because this is comin' back at him! Here's today's photo
from NASA http://antwrp.gsfc.nasa.gov/apod/ap981102.htmlHave a magic day and pass it on!
Magic Mike
parlor.htm
PARENTS' DICTIONARY
AMNESIA: condition that enables a woman who has gone through labor to have sex again.
DUMBWAITER: one who asks if the kids care to order dessert.
FAMILY PLANNING: the art of spacing your children the proper distance apart to keep you on the edge of financial disaster.
FEEDBACK: the inevitable result when the baby doesn't appreciate the strained carrots.
FULL NAME: what you call your child when you're mad at him.
GRANDPARENTS: the people who think your children are wonderful even though they're sure you're not raising them right.
HEARSAY: what toddlers do when anyone mutters a dirty word.
IMPREGNABLE: a woman whose memory of labor is still vivid.
INDEPENDENT: how we want our children to be as long as they do everything we say.
OW: the first word spoken by children with older siblings.
PRENATAL: when your life was still somewhat your own.
PUDDLE: a small body of water that draws other small bodies wearing dry shoes into it.
SHOW OFF: a child who is more talented than yours.
STERILIZE: what you do to your first baby's pacifier by boiling it and to your last baby's pacifier by blowing on it.
TOP BUNK: where you should never put a child wearing Superman jammies.
TWO MINUTE WARNING: when the baby's face turns red and she begins to make those familiar grunting noises.
WHODUNIT: none of the kids that live in your house.
-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=
A guy found a magic lamp and naturally, rubbed it. The genie popped out and said, "I'll grant you any wish you want." The guy thought and thought and finally gave his answer, "I want to be hard all the time and get all the ass I want."
"As you wish," the genie replied.
So, the genie turned him into a toilet seat...-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=
-=-=-=-=-=-=-=
-=-=-=-=
A woman went to her psychiatrist because she was having severe problems with her sex life. The psychiatrist asked her many questions but did not seem to be getting a clear picture of her problems. Finally he asked, "Do you ever watch your husband's face while you are having sex?"
"Well, yes, I did once."
"Well, how did he look?"
"Very angry"
At this point the psychiatrist felt that he was really getting somewhere and he said, "Well, that's very interesting, we must look into this further. Now tell me, you say that you have only seen your husband's face once during sex; that seems somewhat unusual; how did it occur that you saw his face that time?"
"He was looking through the window at me."
You know you're into middle age when you realize that caution is the only thing you care to exercise.
15 REASONS WHY DOGS DON'T USE COMPUTERS!1. Can't stick their heads out of Windows '95. 2. Fetch command not available on all platforms. 3. Hard to read the monitor with your head cocked to one side. 4. Too difficult to "mark" every web site they visit. 5. Can't help attacking the screen when they hear "You've Got Mail." 6. Fire hydrant icon simply frustrating. 7. Involuntary tail wagging is dead giveaway they're browsing www.pethouse.com instead of working. 8. Keep bruising noses trying to catch that virtual Frisbee. 9. Not at all fooled by Chuckwagon Screen Saver. 10. Still trying to come up with an emoticon that signifies tail wagging 11. Three words: Carpal Paw Syndrome. 12. Saliva coated floppy disks refuse to work. 13. SIT and STAY were hard enough; DELETE and SAVE are out of the question! 14. Distracted by cats chasing the mouse. 15. TrO{gO HyAqR4tDc TgrOo TgYPmE WeIjTyH P;AzWqS,. ("Too hard to type with paws!")
IT IS SATURDAY,
a crisp fall afternoon, and you're exactly where you should be: stretched
out on the couch in front of a televised sporting event, opening beer number
two, relaxed in the knowledge that the pizza you ordered is even now on
its way. Nothing could improve this moment, except maybe a bigger television.
Suddenly your wife/S.O. enters the room and says, "What exactly do
you think you're doing?"
Is this a trick question?
Yes, it is. The trick is that no matter how you answer it, you will immediately find yourself driving down to your nearest Home Depot where you will spend the rest of the afternoon trying to decide the type of curtain rod that's right for you.
How does this work?
It has as much to do with the nature of the question itself as with anything else. Women are expert at posing questions that seem to have no right answer. Here's a common example:
"DO I LOOK FAT?"
There is no answer to this question that won't be interpreted as "yes". "No" means yes. "Yes" means yes. "I don't know" means yes. "It
doesn't matter" means yes. The briefest hint of a pause before speaking means yes, yes, yes. Most of us would rather take our degrees again than field this one, yet it may well come up several times a week. Your only real choice is to say no, clearly and immediately, leaving no possibility for any subtext, and making itsound like a widely acknowledged fact and not simply your opinion. This doesn't work, but all the other options are worse.
There are several other questions for which "no" is the only answer, and several more that call for an emphatic and unqualified yes. In all of these cases, elaboration, justification or any attempt to be funny is unlikely to pay off.
Consult this handy chart:
JUST SAY NO!
Is there someone else? Do you still fantasize about her? Are you tired of me?
JUST SAY YES!
Do you still love me? Do you ever fantasize about me? Do you like my hair this way?
Unfortunately, many female inquiries require more than a simple yes or no response. Some of them are more like riddles. Such as this one:
"WHICH SHOES LOOK BETTER?"
Typically you're already late for dinner when your wife/S.O. confronts you, with one pair of shoes on and another alongside them. This is no ordinary choice. It's a devious chicken/egg puzzler, the sort of choice that would lead even Hobson to say to Mrs. Hobson, "Whichever, you old trout!" If you pick the shoes she already has on, she'll think you're trying to hurry her. If you pick the other pair, she'll think it's because you know you can't pick the ones she has on. Some men try a non-linear approach and opt for a third, unoffered pair of shoes, but this is inevitably taken as either an attack on her judgement or an opportunity for her to attack yours. On no account suggest another dress. You might as well say, "You're fat."
This raises the question of why she's asking you at all. She knows you don't know which shoes look better, and she knows you don't care, so why is she trying to elicit your opinion? This is part of an ongoing campaign to domesticate you. As part of the same campaign, she will occasionally consult you about alternative table settings or new towels. In these two cases a disdainful and dismissive "beats me" should do the trick, but don't try that with the shoe dilemma, or you'll miss your reservation. Instead, suggest that she try on the other shoes, then tell her the first ones look better. This lets you more or less off the hook, as long as you don't raise a fuss when she decides that the second pair are better after all.
"WHERE DO YOU SEE THIS RELATIONSHIP GOING?"
This could be described as an essay question, since you're obviously not going to get away with snappy little answers such as "forward" or "upstairs" or "I dunno". Another problem is that you and your wife/S.O. are operating at cross-purposes here. She wants a heartfelt expression of your feelings and an honest assessment of your future together, and you want an easier question. There is certainly no point in answering a toe-curling query like this one without at least a rough idea of precisely what it is she wants to hear. Questions such as this one are a category unto themselves, i.e. questions that should be answered with another question. See how easily some of the more difficult leading inquiries can be parried through the simple deployment of reflexive interrogation.
HER: Where do you see this relationship going? YOU: Where do you see this relationship going?
HER: Do you think she's attractive? YOU: Who?
HER: Will you marry me? YOU: Where am I?
HER: What if I were pregnant? YOU: Are you pregnant? HER: Why? Do I look fat?
Whoops! We're in a bit of trouble here. You should have seen that coming. Try a more surreal approach:
HER: What if I were pregnant? YOU: What if I were pregnant?
At the very least it gives you time to think up a better answer. Some all-purpose question-answers include: How much is a lot? Why do you ask? Should I be? What are you saying? Does it matter? What's love gotta do with it? Are you talking to me? (Note: Are you having your period? is not one of these.)
Let's try something easier.
"NOTICE ANYTHING DIFFERENT ABOUT ME?"
Well, slightly easier. This question is of a piece with two others: "Have you forgotten what today is?" and "Have you been listening to a word I've said?" Apart from being questions that are easier to answer wrong than right, they're the kinds of things women say in sitcoms. They are best treated in an ironic post-modern context; ie, just say what Ward Cleaver would say.
HER: Notice anything different about me? YOU: New apron?
HER: Have you forgotten what today is? YOU: Of course not. It's Thursday.
HER: Have you been listening to a word I've said? YOU: That's nice, dear...
Funny, huh? Well, it's not your fault if she doesn't get it. If she wants a better answer, she's going to have to start asking better questions. Questions such as:
"HAVE YOU TAKEN A LOOK AT YOURSELF LATELY?"
This question and its cousin, the almost always uncalled for "Who do you think you are?", are ways of gently reminding you how much of a factor pity was in her original decision to go out with you, and how that decision could be
rescinded if you behave in any way that cannot be described as abject. You probably brought this rebuke on yourself by mentioning that you reckon Brad Pitt is getting a little chubby or by speculating that Jack Nicholson doesn't have to wait until his birthday for oral sex. You're not really supposed to answer either of these questions. You're just supposed to apologize for your wanton self-esteem-having.
Instead of apologizing, just smile. Your manifold inadequacies as a boyfriend - nay, as a man - are a kind of revenge all by themselves.
Next!
"DO YOU BELIEVE IN FIDELITY?"
Like most philosophical questions that seem to pop up out of the blue, this question doesn't pop up out of the blue. This general query about fidelity is in fact a coded inquiry about the extent of your fidelity on a specific occasion or occasions. Your response will also have to be coded. Consult this translation chart before giving your answer:
YOU SAY - Yes. YOU MEAN - How much does she know? SHE THINKS - He's hiding something.
YOU SAY - It depends. YOU MEAN - How much does she know? SHE THINKS - I knew it!
YOU SAY - Why do you ask? YOU MEAN - How much does she know? SHE THINKS - Bastard!
YOU SAY - I dunno. Do you? YOU MEAN - How much does she know? SHE THINKS - How much does he know?
There are several more variations, but they're not worth going into. By the time she asks you this question, you're already in deep trouble. It doesn't really matter what you say, as long as you don't blush when you answer.
Let's look at an example that calls for more straightforward lying.
"WHAT ARE YOU LOOKING AT?"
She means, "You were looking at that girl, weren't you?" And you thought you'd perfected that trick of keeping your neck still and just letting your eyes swivel. Obviously, the truth is not the best answer here. We all know that the truth can set you free, sometimes before you've found somewhere else to stay. It may seem easy enough to answer this question with a cunning lie, but when men are caught off-guard, their ability to deceive is impaired. Here are a few of the more common mistakes men make when asked "What are you looking at?"
TOO SPECIFIC: "The rust around the bolts on the handle on the flap of that mailbox on the northwest corner".
NOT SPECIFIC ENOUGH: "That thing."
TOO GOOD TO BE TRUE: "A diamond necklace in that window back there that would be perfect on you".
TOO TRUE TO BE GOOD: "A see-through nightie in that window back there that would be perfect on you."
TOO OBVIOUS: "Nothing."
WAY TOO OBVIOUS: "That blonde babe over there with the big... I mean... nothing."
Here's one that requires a little interpretation.
"WHAT ARE WE GOING TO DO NOW?"
This one often crops up whenever some kind of emergency or seemingly unsolvable problem arises. The part that requires interpretation is the mysterious "we" in the middle. This means two things: in one sense, "we" clearly means "you" - as in, "What are you going to do now"; but there is also a sense of "we're in this together" implying that you bear equal responsibility for the fact that she's just dropped her keys down a grate, or that she stores her jack and spare tire in her garage so they won't get stolen.
In such situations you'll probably find that the only answer to "What are we going to do now?" that you can think of is "We are going to break up. Good-bye." Most likely you'll decide not to say anything. After which she will probably let loose with the rather ill-advised:
"WHY DON'T YOU SAY SOMETHING?"
Whether you answer this one is up to you. There is only one question that you should never, ever answer. Keep silent, cower behind your Fifth Amendment rights, pretend you didn't hear, run away, whatever, but don't say anything when she asks:
"SHOULD I GET ALL OF MY HAIR CUT OFF?"
If you say anything, then when she does get all her hair cut off (and let's face it, she's already made up her mind) and she hates it (and she will hate it), it will be your fault. Even if you say absolutely nothing, the best you can hope for is that she will come home with all her hair cut off, stare you straight in the eye and say:
"DOES IT MAKE ME LOOK FAT?"
You're on your own.
Many women are afraid of their first mammogram, but there is no need to worry. By taking a few minutes each day for a week preceding the exam and doing the following practice exercises, you will be totally prepared for the test. And, best of all, you can do these simple practice exercises right in your home.
EXERCISE #1 Open your refrigerator door and insert one breast between the door and the main box. Have one of your strongest friends slam the door shut as hard as possible and lean on the door for good measure. Hold that position for five seconds. Repeat again in case the first time wasn't effective enough.
EXERCISE #2
Visit your garage at 3 a.m. when the temperature of the cement floor is just perfect. Take off all your clothes and lie comfortably on the floor with one breast wedged under the rear tire of the car. Ask a friend to slowly back the car up until your breast is sufficiently flattened and chilled. Turn over and repeat for the other breast.
EXERCISE #3
Freeze two metal bookends overnight. Strip to the waist. Invite a stranger into the room. Press the bookends against one of your breasts. Smash the bookends together as hard as you can. Set an appointment with the stranger to meet next year and do it again!!
CONGRATULATIONS! Now you are properly prepared for your mammogram.
ODE TO A MAMMOGRAM
For years and years they told me, Be careful of your breasts, Don't ever squeeze or bruise them, And give them monthly tests.
So I heeded all their warnings, And protected them by law. Guarded them very carefully, And my bra I always wore.
After 30 years of astute care, My Doctor found a lump. She ordered up a mammogram, To look inside that lump.
"Stand up very close" she said. As she got my boob in line, "And tell me when it hurts," she said. "Ah yes! There, that's fine."
She stepped upon a peddle. I could not believe my eyes! A plastic plate pressed down and down, My boob was in a vice!
My skin was stretched and stretched, From way up under my chin. My poor boob was being squashed, To Swedish pancake thin.
Excruciating pain I felt, Within it's vice-like grip. A prisoner in this vicious thing, My poor defenseless tit!
"Take a deep breath", she said to me, Who does she think she's kidding? My chest is mashed in her machine, And woozy I am getting.
"There, that was good", I heard her say As the room was slowly swaying. "Now let's have a go at the other one". Lord have mercy, I was praying.
It squeezed me from up and down, It squeezed me from both sides, I'll bet she's never had this done, Not to her tender little hide!
If I had no problem when I came in, I surely have one now. If there had been a cyst in there, It would have popped, Ker-pow!
This machine was designed by man, Of this I have no doubt, I'd like to stick his balls in there. And see how they come out!
Subject: PP 98 - 27Date: Mon, 2 Nov 1998 20:44:30 -0500
From: Phil Proctor <PProctor@compuserve.com
To: AAA <pproctor@compuserve.com ((((((((((((((((((((((((( PLANET PROCTOR 98 - 27
"God grant me the Senility to forget the people I never liked anyway, the good fortune to run into the ones I do, and the eyesight to tell the difference." (From Shelley Herman)
VOTE THE BASTARDS IN! It's November, and besides voting and going to see The Antaeus Company's "Patience" which opens this Saturday at [INSIDE] the Ford (323.660-TKTS) and Tulis McCall's one-woman play (which is not about a disfunctional gay person with cancer who can't make it in Showbiz) at the Ventura Court Theater in Studio City on the 16, 17 and 18th (RSVP 310.41-TULIS); it's also National Smokeout Month. This week is National Fig Week, November third is the birthday of the creator of the first sandwich, John Montague, the ninth is National Split Pea Week and the 28th is Sinkie Day for the International Association of People who Dine over the Kitchen Sink. And then, there's Thanksgiving . Pass the Indian, please...
"The longest English word that can be typed with the top keys of a typewriter keyboard is -- typewriter." Ignominus
CALIFORNIA DREAMIN' Cat writes; "I read your post about Kennedy death predictions as foreshadowed in the Firesign show 'Profiles in BBQ Sauce.' I was living in LA, when RFK was killed there. A couple of days before, I had a dream that he'd be shot to death with a handgun, but that's so common in LA I thought nothing of it." RETURN TO MONSTER ISLAND "Greetings large black person. Let us not forget to form a team up together and go into the country to inflict the pain of our karate feets so some but of the giant lizard person. Take my advice, or I'll spank you a lot. I am sure you will not mind that I remove your toenails and leave them out on the dessert floor for ants to eat. Darn, I'll burn you into a BBQ chicken. Yah-hah, evil spider woman! I have captured you by the short rabbits and can now deliver you violently to your doctor for a thorough extermination. This will be of fine service for you, you bag of the scum." (More real Hong Kong subtitles)
"Microsoft SHOULD include a browser in its operating systems--how else can you get online to download the bug fixes?" Ivan
A GRATE GIFT IDEA I found this description on the side of a box at the local drugstore: "From the Makers of the original Sleepy Santa; uses Telco's exclusive snoring and whistling sound. He sleeps snores, and whistles to the tune of 'Jingle Bells.'" (Now, why didn't I read for that?) Or, you could order a Bulldog Gout Stool from "Art & Artifact" for only $235. Or, from the latest NARAS Awards Guide, these classy Cds: P.M. Dawn singing "Dearest Christian, I'm So Very Sorry for Bringing You Here. Love, Dad." And His Holiness Pope John "doing The Rosary" (2 for 1). Or Stuttering John's "Everybody's Normal But Me". Or -- The Flaming Lips, "a collection of songs representing an enthusiasm for recording...by amateurs." Disorder, now!
ORDER! ORDER!! PAPAUL writes that he has a job processing mail orders. "Sometimes, the books ordered tell a whole story in and of themselves." he says. "Here are three that kept us laughing." First, there was an order for two books: "How To Win Every Argument" and "Conversations with God." Then, one titled "For My Only True Love" (Note -- please send three copies.) And the last, an order for four books: "Getting Along with Mean People", "How Not to Be Mean" and "How to Stay Lovers For Life"- (Two copies, please).
"Another oxymoron -- religious tolerance!" (Jim Reddon, L.A. Times letter) YOU'RE ON THE AIR! I heard late night talk show perennial Tom Snyder say to late night vampire slayer, James Woods, right before a commercial break, "Do you know your monkey dipped his balls into my Martini? No, but if you hum a few bars..." And Kevin McKeown caught "this delicious slip of the tongue from a KFWB anchor who reported on Congressional speculation as to whether the Lewinsky affair constituted 'high creams and misdemeanors.'" Finally, according to an article forwarded by T. Franklin, Nickelodeon apologized to the Anti-Defamation League for using a Jewish caricature in its "Rugrats" comic strip which also ran during Rosh Hashanah, the Jewish New Year. They pointed out that the "Grandpa Boris" character is depicted as hook nosed with heavy-lidded eyes "similar to Nazi-era depictions of Jews." Furthermore, he was reciting "the Mourner's Kaddish, the prayer for the dead." Herb Scannel, president of Nickelodeon promised not to use the "Grandpa Boris" character again. So. It appears the prayer was for "the death of his character." Well -- let's just hope that the Pro Nerd Definition League doesn't start complaining about "Howard". "The greatest lesson in life is to know that even fools are right sometimes."
CHAIN! COME BACK, CHAIN! This letter has never been around the world, not even once. Nobody has ever sent a copy to anyone else. Bring luck and good fortune to yourself by neither duplicating it nor forwarding it to anyone. Arthur Samms of Leeds, England received this letter and threw it out without opening the envelope; a week later he won the Irish Sweepstakes for three hundred and thirty thousand pounds. Do not create a chain! Mrs. Wilkes of Sarasota, Florida made a copy for her sister and was struck dead by lightning while gardening. Hassan Azil, a merchant of Basra, Iraq, wanted to make copies but asked for a translation first. Before an interpreter could be found, a cluster bomb exploded nearby, damaging his goats and a Mercedes-Benz 500SLC. The ancients tell us the secret of happiness is within us. Do not attempt to share that knowledge! Happiness is better experienced than understood. If this letter brings you any joy, keep it to yourself. Happiness can not be shared any more than good health or dental floss. If you don't send this to anyone, you'll be rewarded in a very short time. The more people to whom you don't send it, the greater your reward. The more people to whom you *do* send it, the greater the potential for unexpected misfortune. If you copy this letter for a loved one, he or she will abandon you for another. Or many others. Quit while you are ahead and stop reading this now!!!
"I've finally learned the meaning of the word 'millenium' and now it's around the corner." Michael Eisner (Oh, really? Someone please send him a copy of our new CD!)
ANOTHER REASON TO FEAR THE MILLENNIUM, ETC. Did you know that you are more likely to be killed by a champagne cork than by a poisonous spider? On average, people fear spiders more than they do death. Right-handed people live, on average, nine years longer than left-handed people do. You can't kill yourself by holding your breath. Banging your head against a wall uses 150 calories an hour. If you yelled for 8 years, 7 months and 6 days, you would have produced enough sound energy to heat one cup of coffee. Americans on the average eat 18 acres of pizza every day. The strongest muscle in the body is the tongue.
AND SPEAKING IN TONGUES, ETC. A crocodile cannot stick its tongue out. The giraffe has a black tongue that is 14 inches long and no vocal cords. Butterflies taste with their feet. The ant can lift 50 times its own weight, can pull 30 times its own weight and always falls over on its right side when intoxicated. The flea can jump 350 times its body length, that is like a human jumping the length of a football field. Elephants are the only animals that can't jump. A cockroach will live nine days without it's head, before it starves to death.Polar bears are left handed. The catfish has over 27,000 taste buds, that makes the catfish rank #1 for the animal having the most taste buds. (So, that's why they're so tasty!) Starfishes haven't got brains. And neither do Starlets... (Thanks PAUL)
"I have every sympathy with the American who was so horrified by what he had read about the effects of smoking that he gave up reading." - Henry G.
BUT WHAT DO THE PEOPLE SAY? These are some recent comments of supporters of Mr. Bill from Panama City, Florida, to which I can only add, "Oh, No!" "I respect the job Clinton has done and so do most of the customers of my tattoo shop...I think at least two hundred Democratic senators will probably support our president...Ninety percent of Bill's problems are half jealousy...It's his business. I just feel sorry fo Chelsea and her brother...We owe this president an apology. After all, he didn't start the mess, Ken Barr did...I hope I never hear the name Monica Stevenski again... I'll vote for him again next time."
Clinton "is an enormously gifted and richly qualified leader for our nation, but someone who is exasperatingly stupid in his personal life." - Mike McCurry
NOT A KAFKA IN A CZARLOAD Franz Kafka's parents burst into his bedroom one fateful morning to discover that their son had undergone a metamorphosis into a disgusting cockroach. Immediately his father rushed to his desk, picked up Franz' collection of sea invertebrates and threw them out the window. Utterly dismayed, Mrs. Kafka asked why he did that, to which Mr. Kafka replied, "With Franz like this, who needs anemones?" (Shame on Lorenzo Music)
E-TIQUETTE...SOMEONE SAID IT AT LAST 1. Big companies don't do business via chain letter. Bill Gates is not giving you $1000, and Disney is not giving you a free vacation. There is no baby food company issuing class-action checks. You can relax; there is no need to pass it on "just in case it's true". Just because someone said in the message, four generations back that "we checked it out and it's legit", does not actually make it true. 2. There is no kidney theft ring in New Orleans. No one is waking up in a bathtub full of ice, even if a friend of a friend swears it happened to their cousin. If you are hellbent on believing the kidney-theft ring stories, please see: http://urbanlegends.tqn.com/library/weekly/aa062997.htm 3. Neiman Marcus doesn't really sell a $200 cookie recipe. And even if they do, we all have it. if you don't, you can get a copy at: bl.net/forwards/cookie.html 4. We all know all 500 ways to drive your roommates crazy, irritate co- workers and creep out people on an elevator. We also know exactly how many engineers, college students, usenet posters and people from each and every world ethnicity it takes to change a lightbulb. 5. Even if the latest NASA rocket disaster(s) DID contain plutonium that went to particulate over the eastern seaboard, do you REALLY think this information would reach the public via an AOL chain-letter? 6. There is no "Good Times" virus. In fact, you should never, ever, ever forward any email containing any virus warning unless you first confirm it at an actual site of an actual company that actually deals with virii like norton.com (And even then, don't forward it. We don't care.) 7. If your CC: list is regularly longer than the actual content of your message, you're probably going to Hell. 8. If you're using Outlook, IE, or Netscape to write email, turn off the "HTML encoding." Those of us on unix shells can't read it, and don't care enough to save the attachment and then view it with a web browser, since you're probably forwarding us a copy of the Neiman Marcus Cookie Recipe anyway. 9. If you still absolutely MUST forward that 10th-generation message from a friend, at least have the decency to trim the eight miles of headers showing everyone else who's received it over the last 6 months. It sure wouldn't hurt to get rid of all the <<'s that begin each line. Besides, if it has gone around that many times - its probably already been seen. 10. Craig Shergold in England is not dying of cancer or anything else at this time and would like everyone to stop sending him their business cards. He apparently is also no longer a "little boy" either. 11. Chances are if it sounds amazing and too good to be true, and you learned about it in a mass mail via E-MAIL -- it's probably not true. 12. Why send a file AND an email? Am I missing something here? Just email, please. (13. Don't send this message to me again. I just printed it! PP)
"This will surely be a lesson to me." (Tennessee criminal on the gallows, c. 1915.)
+++++++++++(11/2/98)++++++++++ * PLANET PROCTOR: www.planetproctor.com * FIRESIGN SITE: www.firesigntheatre.com * FIREZINE: $15.00 per annum: www.intrepid.net/~firezine/ * FIRESIGN PRODUCT: www.lodestone-media.com *"FUNNY TIMES": www.funnytimes.com PLANET PROCTOR (C) 1998 by Phil Proctor
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