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These jokes are to laugh at ourselves, so please
do not take offense.
"Since all phenomena, is a product of one's own mind, empty of meaning,
like a magician's illusion,
having nothing to do with good or bad, acceptance or rejection, one might
burst out in laughter."
- Longchenpa, 13th century Tibetan monk.
TO FIND SOMETHING USE THE EDIT/FIND
IN YOUR BROWSER (TOP LEFT CORNER).
"The Lord Of The Rings",
one of the best fantasy stories,
has finally been made as a real adventure film. See a trailer.
See Movie Trailers Clips and Previews.
From: Magic Mike B <mmb
Organization: http://funandmagic.com/
To: "Magic Mike Mailout bcc's" <mmb
Hi,
Happy Halloween. Are you having an annual dose of insanity? Along with a sugar rush? While you're hypoglycemic, go see everything you wanted to know about bats. http://www.cccoe.k12.ca.us/bats/welcome.html
Did you know that life was discovered on the Moon in 1835, by the Sun? The New York Sun, that is. Read all about it!!! http://funandmagic.com/photolinks2.htm
Have a magic day and pass it along.
Magic Mike
parlor.htm TOP TEN REASONS WHY TRICK
OR TREATING IS BETTER THAN SEX
10) You are guaranteed to get at least a little something
in the sack. 9) If you get tired, you can wait 10 minutes and go at it
again. 8) The uglier you look, the easier it is to get some. 7) You don't
have to compliment the person who gives you some. 6) It's O.K. when the
person you're with fantasizes you're someone else, because you are. 5)
Forty years from now you'll still enjoy candy. 4) If you don't like what
you get, you can always go next door. 3) It doesn't matter if the kids
hear you moaning and groaning. 2) Less guilt the morning after. 1) YOU
CAN DO THE WHOLE NEIGHBORHOOD. --=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=--=-=---=-=--=--=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=10 RULES FOR FEMALE AOL'erS
1) Before deciding you're falling in love with a man you meet on AOL
and you tell him your bra size and other measurements, be sure he's not
your long-lost cousin who used to live in the Ozarks and boil his own soap
but now has a corner office and works for IBM. 2) When receiving IMs from
strange men late at night, always check for a profile before you chat with
them. The only place people like Ted Bundy will have a profile is the FBI
serial killer database. So if he doesn't have a profile, beware! 3 ) Don't
read or answer any e-mail that sends you a link to any website with a name
like "www.vibrator4u.com". 4) Make up witty answers to the proverbial
"so what do you do for a living?" that come out of the blue from
a man in chat. If you don't care to respond to this question honestly,
good responses are "I seal envelopes at home; I'm up to 15 a day now!",
"I run a coven of witches out of a small cave near the Delaware coast",
or"I'm the person who walks behind elephants at the circus".
It just makes chat so much more fun! 5) Watch out for .wav files with names
like "bendover.wav", "lemmedoU.wav", from men you don't
know 6) When instant messaging an old boyfriend who broke your heart but
whom you found in the member directory, it's best to NOT start the IM off
with "you fu**ing a**hole, rats love cheese, I'll bet you're having
brie right now!" 7) Have a picture of "Mimi" from Drew Carey
available in your collection of .GIFs. Send this to the cyber freaks who
won't leave you alone and tell them it's you. 8) Respond to everything
a "jerk" on AOL says with "<~~~not listening, daydreaming
about homicide". Keep listing this as a response. It will drive them
nuts. 9) If you REALLY meet a nice guy on AOL, call a private detective.
Chances are it's a cover in the Witness Protection program. 10) And finally,
install a second phone line and keep it free. Forget about other people
needing to call you...you really need it for the day you might want to
order a pizza without having to sign off.
Subject: I DO WHATEVER MY RICE KRISPIES TELL ME TO
Date: Fri, 30 Oct 1998 08:27:54 -0800
From: Magic Mike B <mmb
Organization: http://funandmagic.com/
To: "Magic Mike Mailout bcc's" <mmb
I got this Pick-up Truck for my Wife; Good Trade, Eh !
Hi,
Can agnostics have a TGIF? Maybe it's a TEIF, Thank Everybody It's Friday.
Of course, people who work weekends don't get into TGIF. They have TGIM,
or TGIT, perhaps. You never know, which is why you just have to try to
celebrate daily. Today's a gift. That's why they call it the present.
Today's photo link is a shot of the Discovery Shuttle
before and during liftoff. Even though Glenn has done it before, it's got
to be quite a ride for the 77 year old man. And a lot roomier than a space
capsule. They called it 'spam in a can'. http://funandmagic.com/photolinks2.htmHave a magic day and pass it around the world, John Glenn.
Magic Mike
Beer Troubleshooting Guide
SYMPTOM: Beer unusually pale and tasteless. FAULT: Glass empty. ACTION: Get someone to buy you another beer.
SYMPTOM: Opposite wall covered with fluorescent lights. FAULT: You have fallen over backward. ACTION: Have yourself latched to bar.
SYMPTOM: Mouth contains cigarette butts. FAULT: You have fallen forward. ACTION: See above.
SYMPTOM: Beer tasteless, front of your shirt is wet. FAULT: Mouth not open, or glass applied to wrong part of face. ACTION: Retire to restroom, practice in front of mirror.
SYMPTOM: Feet cold and wet. FAULT: Glass being held at incorrect angle. ACTION: Rotate glass so that open end points toward ceiling.
SYMPTOM: Feet warm and wet. FAULT: Improper bladder control. ACTION: Stand next to nearest dog, complain about his house training.
SYMPTOM: Floor blurred. FAULT: You are looking through the bottom of an empty glass. ACTION: Get someone to buy you another beer.
SYMPTOM: Floor moving. FAULT: You are being carried out. ACTION: Find out if you are being taken to another bar.
SYMPTOM: Room seems unusually dark. FAULT: Bar has closed. ACTION: Confirm home address with bartender before departure.
SYMPTOM: Taxi suddenly takes on colorful aspect and textures. FAULT: Beer consumption has exceeded personal limitations. ACTION: Cover mouth with bag.
SYMPTOM: Consciousness regained without recollection of how you got there. FAULT: Probable time and/or space warp. ACTION: Ask bartender for another Guinness-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=
-=-= Bumper stickers for the 90's:
YOU'RE JUST JEALOUS BECAUSE THE VOICES ARE TALKING TO ME
EARTH IS FULL GO HOME
I HAVE THE BODY OF A GOD....................................BUDDHA
THIS WOULD BE REALLY FUNNY IF IT WEREN'T HAPPENING TO ME
SO MANY PEDESTRIANS SO LITTLE TIME
I USED TO BE DISGUSTED NOW I'M JUST AMUSED
CLEVERLY DISGUISED AS A RESPONSIBLE ADULT
IF PROGRESS MEANS TO MOVE FORWARD WHAT DOES CONGRESS MEAN?
IF WE QUIT VOTING WILL THEY ALL GO AWAY?
POLITICS - FROM THE WORDS "POLY" MEANING "MANY" AND "TICKS" AS IN "SMALL, BLOOD-SUCKING PARASITES"
THE FACE IS FAMILIAR BUT I CAN'T QUITE REMEMBER MY NAME
HE WHO DIES WITH THE MOST TOYS...STILL DIES
EAT RIGHT, EXERCISE, DIE ANYWAY
ILLITERATE? WRITE FOR HELP
HONK IF ANYTHING FALLS OFF
COVER ME I'M CHANGING LANES
HE WHO LAUGHS LAST THINKS SLOWEST
HE WHO HESITATES IS NOT ONLY LOST BUT MILES FROM THE NEXT EXIT
I REFUSE TO HAVE A BATTLE OF WITS WITH AN UNARMED PERSON
THIS ISN'T MY IDEA OF A GOOD TIME
IT'S BEEN LOVELY BUT I HAVE TO SCREAM NOW
UNIQUELY MALADJUSTED BUT FUN
THIS BUMPER STICKER EXPLOITS ILLITERATES
MINIMUM WAGE FOR POLITICIANS
VISUALIZE USING YOUR TURN SIGNALS
WHERE ARE WE GOING AND WHY AM I IN THIS HAND BASKET?
I HAVEN'T LOST MY MIND IT'S BACKED UP ON DISK SOMEWHERE
OH, EVOLVE!
YOU! OUT OF THE GENE POOL!
GONE CRAZY BE BACK SHORTLY
IF YOU'RE NOT OUTRAGED YOU'RE NOT PAYING ATTENTION
I DO WHATEVER MY RICE KRISPIES TELL ME TO-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=
===-== Things from our childhood that our grandkids likely will never see
Blackjack and Beeman's gum*** Powerhouse candy bars Licorice records & licorice babies Wax teeth, lips and mustaches*** Wax Coke-shaped bottles with colored sugar water*** Candy lipstick Candy cigarettes Fizzies*** Soda pop machines that dispense bottles Pull tabs that snapped off soda cans Tableside jukeboxes in coffee shops Home milk delivery in glass bottles with cardboard stoppers Movies preceded by cartoons and newsreels Party telephone lines Rotary phones Drive-ins with car hops..some even skated... Sock hops Winter rubber boots with metal latches Coonskin caps P.F. Flyers Angora sweaters Bouffant hairdos Spoolies Hair dryers with plastic caps Butch wax Dart guns with rubber-tipped darts Tin-can telephones Peashooters Cork popguns Roll of cap-gun caps Howdy Doody puppets Beanie and Cecil dolls Two-bladed ice skates that clip onto shoes Roller skates that clip onto shoes Roller skate keys S & H green stamps and plaid stamps or Top Value (yellow) ones. Metal lunchboxes Winky Dink kits for drawing on the TV screen *** Crystal radios Console hi-fis with 78s 45-rpm records Hand-crank wringers on tub washing machines Slide rules Levered metal ice trays Mimeograph paper Carbon paper Flash bulbs Eight-track tape decks Home movie cameras Dick and Jane readers =--=-=-=--==-=-=-=-=--==-Subject: John Glenn - first, and oldest american in space
Date: Thu, 29 Oct 1998 08:30:23 -0800
From: Magic Mike B <mmb
Organization: http://funandmagic.com/
To: "Magic Mike Mailout bcc's" <mmb
I told my boss I felt sick and wanted to go home, and he said, "You don't look sick." So I threw up on him. I can pretty much go home whenever I want now.
Hi,
I don't usually send any NASA stuff that isn't a beauty shot, but this
is a historical day in space and some of you might like to read more about
it. http://funandmagic.com/photolinks2.htm
In a few hours, senior citizen and US Senator John Glenn will be the
oldest man put in space. As the first American in space, John was a model
of the spirit of adventure in all of us. As the first senior in space,
he signals the hope of the average person to one day travel in comfort
through our galaxy. However, that very distant future is sadly only in
the realm of sci-fi.
Have a magic day and pass it on!
Magic Mike
parlor.htm
THE REDNECK RULES OF ETIQUITTE.....
PERSONAL HYGIENE
While ears need to be cleaned regularly, this should be done in private using one's OWN truck keys.Proper use of toiletries can forestall bathing for several days. However, if you live alone, deodorant is a waste of good money. Dirt and grease under the fingernails is a social no-no, as they tend to detract from a woman's jewelry and alter the taste of finger foods.
DINING OUT
When decan'ting wine, make sure that you tilt the paper cup, and pour slowly so as not to "bruise" the fruit of the wine. If drinking directly from the bottle, always hold it with your fingers covering the label.
ENTERTAINING IN YOUR HOME
A centerpiece for the table should never be anything prepared by a taxidermist. Do not allow the dog to eat at the table... no matter how good his manners are.
DATING (Outside the Family)
Always offer to bait your date's hook, especially on the first date. Be aggressive. Let her know you are interested: "I've been wanting to go out with you since I read that stuff on the men's bathroom wall two years ago.
Establish with her parents what time she is expected back. Some will say 10:00 pm; Others might say Monday. If it is the latter, it is the man's responsibility to get her to school on time.
THEATER ETIQUETTE
Crying babies should be taken to the lobby and picked up immediately after the movie has ended. Refrain from talking to characters on the screen. Tests have proven they can't hear you.
WEDDINGS
Livestock is usually a poor choice for a wedding gift. Kissing the bride more than five seconds may get you shot. For the groom, at least rent a tux. A leisure suit with a cumberbund and a clean bowling shirt can create a tacky appearance. Though uncomfortable, say "yes" to socks and shoes for this special occasion.
DRIVING ETIQUETTE
Dim your headlights for approaching vehicles, even if the gun is loaded and the deer is in sight. When approaching a four way stop, the vehicle with the largest tires always has the right of way. Never tow another car using pantyhose and duct tape. When sending your wife down the road with a gas can, it is impolite to ask her to bring beer back. Never relieve yourself from a moving vehicle, especially when driving. Do not lay rubber while traveling in a funeral procession.
TIPS FOR ALL OCCASIONS
Never take a beer to a job interview.
Always identify people in your yard before shooting at them.
It's considered tacky to take a cooler to church.
If you have to vacuum the bed, it is time to change the sheets.
Even if you're certain that you are included in the will, it is still considered tacky to drive a U-haul to the funeral home.-
-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=
-=-=-=--=-=
The priest has been in the confessional for some time, and realizes he
has to pee. He opens the door, looks around frantically, and spots a familiar
parishioner walking up the aisle. "Pardon, would you do me a great
favor and handle the confessional for me while I run to the bathroom?"
The man tries to beg off, but the priest is insistent: "Really, there's
nothing it! On the wall of the booth is a chart of all the sins; opposite
each one you'll find the corresponding penance." The priest cannot
be dissuaded, so the man reluctantly enters the booth.
Immediately he hears someone enter the confessional: "Father,
I have sinned." "And what was your sin, my son?" "I
committed anal intercourse." The man rolls his eyes, then remembers
the chart. He scans it thoroughly, but realizes that "anal intercourse"
is not there. Frantically, he opens the door and looks around. An altar
boy is walking up the aisle. "Quick, help me out, what does the Father
give for anal intercourse?" The boy thinks a moment, then replies,
"Two Snickers bars." --=-=-=-=-=-=--=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=--=-=-=-=-=-=--=-=------=Relative Living
-=-=-=--=-=-=-=-=
A fellow went to the doctor who told him that he had a bad illness and
only a year to live. So he decided to talk to his pastor. After the man
explained his situation, he asked his Pastor if there was anything he could
do. "What you should do is go out and buy a late '70 or early '80
model Dodge Pickup," said the Pastor. "Then go get married to
the ugliest woman you can find, and buy yourselves an old trailer house
in the panhandle of Oklahoma. The fellow asked, "Will this help me
live longer?" "No," said the pastor, "but it will make
what time you do have seem like forever."
Subject: late night humpday
Date: Wed, 28 Oct 1998 22:18:54 -0800
From: Magic Mike B <mmb
Organization: http://funandmagic.com/
To: "Magic Mike Mailout bcc's" <mmb
Hi,
Here's a late night, over the hump, humpday chuckle or two and a photo
that's real nice of the turtle in space. It's on the photolinks page. http://funandmagic.com/photolinks2.htm
I hope you will all vote next week. I real tired of the moral majority
and Starr. I won't tell you what to do, but right now, I think the only
good Republican is a .......minority Republican. I think the Dems need
a few seats back in Congress. I'm ready to see Newt and Lott on the sidelines.Have a magic day and pass it on!
Magic Mike
parlor.htm
The Washington Post's "Style Invitational" asks readers to
take any word from the dictionary, alter it by adding, subtracting, or
changing one letter, and supply a new definition. Here are some recent
winners:
Foreploy: any misrepresentation about yourself for the purpose of obtaining sex.
Fortissimoe: the musical moment produced when someone serially slaps the faces of the first-violin section.
Tatyr: a lecherous Mr. Potato Head.
Doltergeist: a spirit that decides to haunt someplace stupid, such as your septic tank.
Giraffiti: vandalism spray-painted very, very high, such as the famous "Surrender Dorothy" on the Beltway overpass.
Sarchasm: the gulf between the author of sarcastic wit and the recipient who doesn't get it.
Contratemps: the resentment permanent workers feel toward the fill-in workers.
Coiterie: a very VERY close-knit group.
Whitetater: a political hot potato.
Impotience: eager anticipation by men awaiting their Viagra prescription.
Reintarnation: coming back to life as a hillbilly.
Inoculatte: to take coffee intravenously when you are running late.
Hipatitis: terminal coolness.
Taterfamilias: the head of the Potato Head family.
Guillozine: a magazine for executioners.
Suckotash: a dish consisting of corn, lima beans and tofu.
Burglesque: a poorly planned break-in. (See: Watergate)
Karmageddon: It's like, when everybody is sending off all these really bad vibes, right? And then, like, the Earth explodes and it's like a serious bummer.
Glibido: all talk and no action.
Antifun gal: a prude.
Vaseball: a game of catch played by children in the living room.
Eunouch: the pain of castration.
Hindkerchief: really expensive toilet paper; toilet paper at Buckingham palace.
Deifenestration: to throw all talk of God out the window.
Hozone: the area around 14th street.
Acme: a generic skin disease.
Dopeler effect: the tendency of stupid ideas to seem smarter when they come at you rapidly.
Hindprint: indentation made by a couch potato.
Intaxication: euphoria at getting a refund from the IRS, which lasts until you realize it was your money to start with.
Newtspaper: the Washington Times.
Nazigator: an overbearing member of your carpool.
Subject: Absolute brightness. Stars, morons, and children rated.
Date: Tue, 27 Oct 1998 17:41:36 -0800
From: Magic Mike B <mmb
Organization: http://funandmagic.com/
To: "Magic Mike Mailout bcc's" <mmb
Hi,
You run into a lot of ignorant people in a day. Henrietta Swan Leavitt
(1868-1921) wasn't one of them. Working at Harvard College Observatory,
she determined the absolute brightness of the 47 major stars near the North
star, so a standard could be developed, and she discovered and catalogued
1777 variable stars in the Small Magellanic Cloud. http://funandmagic.com/photolinks2.htm
Below is the moron test in case your not sure where you stand. After that,
are truths that children know, that makes them smarter than you!
Have a magic day and pass it on.
Magic Mike
parlor.htm
This is the "Official Moron Test."
It separates the dumb people from the true morons. Answer the following
13 questions, then scroll down and check your answers. DON'T CHEAT!!! When
you are finished, count the number correct and see how you compare to others.OK, here we go......
1. Is there a 4th of July in England?
2. How many birthdays does the average man have?
3. Some months have 31 days. How many have 28?
4. How many outs are there in an inning?
5. Is it legal for a man in California to marry his widow's sister?
6. Take the number 30, divide it by 1/2, and then add 10. What do you get?7. There are 3 apples and you take two away. How many apples are you left
with?
8. A doctor gives you three pills and tells you to take one every half
hour. How long will the pills last?
9. A farmer has 17 sheep. All but 9 of them die. How many sheep are left?10. How many animals of each sex did Moses bring with him on the ark?
11. A butcher in the market is 5'-10" tall. What does he weigh?
12. How many 2 cent stamps are there in a dozen?
13. What was the President's name in 1960?
**** NO CHEATING **** So how do you think you did? Here are the answers....
1. Yes. It comes right after the 3rd. 2. One (1). You can only be born once. 3. Twelve (12). All of them have at least 28 days. 4. Six (6). Don't forget there is a top and bottom to every inning. 5. No. He must be dead if it is his widow! 6. Seventy (70). 30 divided by 1/2 is 60. 7. Two (2). You take two apple...therefore, YOU have TWO apples. 8. One hour. If you take the first pill at 1:00, the second at 1:30, and the third at 2:00, the pills have run out and only an hour has passed. 9. Nine (9). Like I said, all BUT nine die. 10. None. I didn't know that Moses had an ark? 11. Meat...that is self-explanatory. 12. Twelve (12). How many eggs are in a dozen? TWELVE...it's a dozen! 13. Bill Clinton. As far as I know, he hasn't changed his name. So, how did you do? 13 correct....GENIUS....you are good! 10-12 correct....ABOVE AVERAGE....but don't let it go to your head 7-9 correct....AVERAGE....but who wants to be average? 4-6 correct....SLOW....pay attention to the question 1-3 correct....IDIOT....what else can I say 0 correct....CONGRATULATIONS, you are a certified MORON!!!! Great Truths About Life That Little Children Have Learned
* No matter how hard you try, you can't baptize cats.
* When your mom is mad at your dad, don't let her brush your hair.
* If your sister hits you, don't hit her back. They always catch the second person.
* Never ask your 3-year old brother to hold a tomato.
* You can't trust dogs to watch your food.
* Reading what people write on desks can teach you a lot.
* Don't sneeze when someone is cutting your hair.
* Puppies still have bad breath even after eating a tic tac.
* Never hold a dustbuster and a cat at the same time.
* School lunches stick to the wall.
* You can't hide a piece of broccoli in a glass of milk.
* Don't wear polka-dot underwear under white shorts.
* The best place to be when you are sad is in Grandma's lap.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Great Truths About Life That Adults Have Learned
* Raising teenagers is like nailing Jell-O to a tree.
* There is always a lot to be thankful for if you take to look for it. For example, I am sitting here thinking how nice it is that wrinkles don't hurt.
* Reason to smile: Every seven minutes of every day, someone in an aerobics class pulls a hamstring.
* The best way to keep kids at home is to make the home a pleasant atmosphere... and let the air out of their tires.-Dorothy Parker
* Car sickness is the feeling you get when the monthly car payment is due. * Families are like fudge .. mostly sweet with a few nuts.
* Today's mighty oak is just yesterday's nut that held its ground.
* Laughing helps. It's like jogging on the inside.
* Middle age is when you choose your cereal for the fiber, not the toy.
* My mind not only wanders, sometimes it leaves completely.
* The more you complain, the longer God lets you live.
* One day I shall burst my buds of calm and blossom into hysteria.
* If you can remain calm, you just don't have all the facts.
* Eat a live toad first thing in the morning, and nothing worse can happen to you the rest of the day!
* You know you're getting old when you stoop to tie your shoes and wonder what else you can do while you're down there.
* Life's golden age is when the kids are too old to need baby-sitters and too young to borrow the family car.
Subject: New ion drive, IRS payments, psych test Date:
Mon, 26 Oct 1998 09:26:58 -0800
From: mmb <mmb
To: "Magic Mike Mailout bcc's" <mmb
Hi,
We may be Fall'ing behind, but in space tech we are springing ahead with
the launch of Deep Space 1 on Saturday, which uses an ion drive. I began
to postulate, about 15 years ago, that we would have to stop strapping
large chemical fuel pods to our rockets if we were going to develop a real
space technology. Sometimes, during a mediation, I would try to picture
a drive that utilized light photons emitted from an ion drive. My limited
real background prevented me from going too far with this idea. My original
fascination with Chemical Engineering at Penn State was with the idea of
rocket fuel work, which was being researched at Penn State in the sixties.
But I transferred into Broadcasting after my freshman year, so I didn't
develop a very deep background in science. This work was going on it seems
at the Jet Propulsion Labs. Deep Space 1 has a solar panel array which
excites Xenon ions and shoots them out the back. The force of thrust is
less than the force felt by a piece of paper laying on your hand, but it
builds up to over 2.2 miles a sec using a thrust of only 20 thousands of
a pound, using an ion engine that is 11 inches in diameter. See a photo
of this breakthrough engine at the photolink page. http://funandmagic.com/photolinks2.htmHave a magic day and pass it on.
Magic Mike
parlor.htm
There was a man who computed his taxes for 1997 & found that he
owed $3407. He packaged up his payment & included this letter:
Enclosed is my 1997 Tax Return & payment. Please take note of the attached article from the USA Today newspaper. In the article, you will see that the Pentagon is paying $171.50 for hammers and NASA has paid $600.00 for a toilet seat. Please find enclosed four toilet seats (value $2400) and six hammers (value $1029). This brings my total payment to $3429.00. Please note the overpayment of $22.00 and apply it to the "Presidential Election Fund", as noted on my return. Might I suggest you the send the above mentioned fund a "1.5 inch screw". (See attached article...HUD paid $22.00 for a 1.5 inch Phillips Head Screw.) It has been a pleasure to pay my tax bill this year, and I look forward to paying it again next year. I just saw an article about the Pentagon and "screwdrivers". Sincerely, I. Getscrewed Everyear
-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=
-=-=-=-=-=--=---==
Now let's find out the truth...
How moral are you? What is your attitude to morals, sex and honesty? The fascinating personality test below was written by a Sydney marriage expert who is a qualified psychologist. It began as a dinner party conversation gimmick, but it has been prepared in this form for readers to test themselves. To do the "test" you must give your honest opinion about morals and honesty of the four characters in our story of Sherwood Forest. Forget any preconceived ideas you may about them - this is a different sort of story from all the others. "The Sheriff of Nottingham captured Little John and Robin Hood and imprisoned them in his maximum-security dungeon. Maid Marion begged the Sheriff for their release, pleading her love for Robin. The Sheriff agreed to release them only if Maid Marion spent the night with him. To this she agreed. The next morning the Sheriff released his prisoners. Robin at once demanded that Marion tell him how she persuaded the Sheriff to let them go free. Marion confessed the truth, and was bewildered when Robin abused her, calling her a slut, and saying that he never wanted to see her again. At this Little John defended her, inviting her to leave Sherwood with him and promising life-long devotion. She accepted and they rode away together." Now in terms of realistic every-day standards of behaviour, put Robin, Marion, Little John and the Sheriff in the order in which you consider they showed the most morality and honesty. There is no "right" answer, and the following is the psychologist's estimate of you for each of the 24 arrangements.
Don't scroll down until you have made your list.
ROBIN, MARION, SHERIFF, LITTLE JOHN: You find it hard to accept the permissive attitudes of others, or to convince them of the validity of your own standards. You are not disposed to trust people and do not have a very happy life. (Men) To you "love" involves sex and duty, rather than charity and forgiveness. (Women) You blame men for much of the unhappiness in your life.
ROBIN, MARION, LITTLE JOHN, SHERIFF: Your philosophy of life is a sad hotchpotch of the conventions of society, your own convictions and romanticism. You are not unkind, only staid and unimaginative. (Men) You see a woman as weak but desirable. (Women) Your resent the arrogance of men.
ROBIN, SHERIFF, MARION, LITTLE JOHN: (Men) We think you are unhappy, although you probably will not admit it. As a ruthless authoritarian you are as moral as it suits you and no more. You do not apply the same rules to men as you do to women. (Women) How worthless you seem to think women are.
ROBIN, LITTLE JOHN, MARION, SHERIFF: You are a moralist with conventional ideas, which some people would call old-fashioned. (Men) You probably consider yourself a fair-minded man in a world which falls badly below your standards. Your inhibitions and sense of guilt are in the way of your happiness. (Women) Unlucky in love? Perhaps you hope for too much in a man. Be a realist, not a romantic.
ROBIN, LITTLE JOHN, SHERIFF, MARION: You are conventional and puritanical. (Men) You moralise and see women as a great conspiracy against man, with sex as their principal weapon. You are missing a great deal in life. (Women) Your parents probably played a big part in the formation of such a guilt complex as yours. Your mind is in chains and it's time you did something to free it.
LITTLE JOHN, ROBIN, SHERIFF, MARION: You are not easy to assess. Basically you are ruled by an inferiority complex and feelings of insecurity. How do you present yourself to the world? An idealist, a moralist, a conformist keeping up with Jones's? (Men) Your conflicting views on sex and morality may lead to every sort sexual problem. You have always feared women, probably starting with your mother. (Women) It is a shame you have not accepted the ideal of woman as the equal (and sometimes stronger) partner of man.
LITTLE JOHN, MARION, ROBIN, SHERIFF: You are fairly broadminded romantic and reasonably contented. You value kindness greatly and try to live by your ideals. You do not conceal from yourself, or from others, you strong need for security, which may be either emotional or material. (Men) Perhaps you tend to idealise women and credit them with virtues they don't possess. (Women) Your experiences of men have not all been happy, perhaps because you hope for a little too much?
LITTLE JOHN, MARION, SHERIFF, ROBIN: You are the slightly romantic realist. You respect truth, and are broadminded and flexible. Whether you are a man or a woman you are probably a happy person. You like people and they can readily make friends with you. You are not very adventurous, but this does not bother you.
LITTLE JOHN, SHERIFF, MARION, ROBIN: You too, believe that morality is another word for common-sense and suitability, and not something which is universally valid or a religious truth. Your feeling for security is strong, and you would rate reliability as one of your virtues. (Men) Your estimate of women as the inferior sex suggests that you are a little uncertain of them. (Women) You are more permissive about the morals of others than you are about your own.
LITTLE JOHN, SHERIFF, ROBIN, MARION: You are conventional, unimaginative, and something of a prude. It would be surprising if your love life was a roaring success. (Man) You have an old-world authoritarian attitude. One thing is sure - you have some sorry illusions about women. (Women) You accept a double standard of morality in which women are very much the "second sex".
SHERIFF, ROBIN, MARION, LITTLE JOHN: (Man) We find it hard to imagine you leading a full, happy life. The warmth and give-and-take of love are not for you. Your sex life is ringed with unreality, and you neither understand nor appreciate women. (Women) If you really believe this is the right order, you baffle us completely.
MARION, SHERIFF, LITTLE JOHN, ROBIN: Such an emphatic rejection of ready-made values in probably partly camouflage. You hate to be thought weak or insecure. You value honesty, and abominate humbug and hypocrisy. (Men) Women are very much part of you life, and you are - or perhaps would like to be - quite ruthless, both with women and life in general. (Women) You are tolerant about men and their failings - but we mean men, for you have no time for boys on men's errands.
MARION, ROBIN, SHERIFF, LITTLE JOHN: You know the so-called facts of life, but not to enjoy life itself. You are not a realist and you are inclined to be stubborn. (Men) Women, you think, are either whores or angels, and you over-estimate the differences between the sexes. A woman may find you difficult to live with. (Women) You are not sure whether truth and morality go hand in hand or are in opposition. You haven't a very high opinion of men.
MARION, ROBIN, LITTLE JOHN, SHERIFF: If you are not happy - and we suspect you are not - it maybe because you feel guilty about your own emotions, and lack confidence in your opinions. (Men) No doubt you consider yourself a moral man, and a fair one. Your fuzzy ideas about morality may make their mark on your sex life. (Women) You are too concerned about what others think.
MARION, LITTLE JOHN, SHERIFF, ROBIN: You are essentially a contented person, even if you consider yourself a little superior. You are moral by your own standards, for you believe that morality is what best suits the occasion. (Men) You are sexually uninhibited, more romantic than you may appear, and more dependent on the approval of others than you care to admit. (Women) You like being a woman, you understand what love is, and frankly enjoy sex.
MARION, LITTLE JOHN, ROBIN, SHERIFF: We would expect you to be a happy, well-balanced person who likes people and is like by others. You question whether many conventional views on morality are valid under all circumstances. (Men) Do we detect a sense of chivalry and idealism under the sophistication? (Women) You will expect high standards form the men to whom you give your love.
LITTLE JOHN, ROBIN, MARION, SHERIFF: You are a cautious type, neutral, and rather insecure. You would agree with the idea that everybody has his price - and in your own case it would not be high. (Men) You are sexually inhibited with an underlying distrust of women. (Women) At least one man has made you unhappy, and you are now on your guard.
SHERRIF, ROBIN, LITLE JOHN, MARION: Although you make a brave show of being self-sufficient, beneath this you are unhappy and rather mixed up. (Men) You don't understand women - probably you are afraid of them. You do not know what love is, and you are more likely to boast about your conquests in a bar than prove them in a bedroom. (Women) If men attract you at all, they probably be disastrously the wrong sort.
SHERIFF, MARION, ROBIN, LITTLE JOHN: If you are not living a happy life the cause is within yourself. You are a rebel...with a trace of spoilt child about you. You value truth above morality, but you are reasonably tolerant of those who disagree with you. (Men) any problems you have are not likely to be centred in sex. (Women) Despite your experience and intelligence you are a bad judge of men.
SHERIFF, MARION, LITTLE JOHN, ROBIN: You claim to be a realist or even a cynic, but you are more emotional and romantic and truthful. (Men) although you are by no means inhibited, your amorous adventures are as much a matter of fantasy as fact. (Women) You have been hurt in the past by men - or perhaps a particular man and will probably let it happen again.
SHERIFF, LITTLE JOHN, ROBIN, MARION: Not a moralising pattern, but... (Men) You share with many other men the idea that most women are fickle and inferior to men. Perhaps a view that you got from your father? Or as a reaction to a domineering mother? (Women) You have a pretty poor opinion of yourself, haven't you?
SHERIFF, LITTLE JOHN, MARION, ROBIN: You have a confused, immature sense of values. You are erratic an stubborn, and inclined to get angry or sulk when you don't get your own way. But at least you are not a moral hypocrite. (Men) "Love 'em and leave 'em" is the motto of a man who is basically afraid of women. (Women) Perhaps you would rather be a man than a women?
MARION, SHERIFF, ROBIN, LITTLE JOHN: Associate morality with honest and truth more than with religious values. You are impulsive and somewhat unpredictable. (Men) We suspect that you are a would-be lover rather than a very successful one. (Women) You are a realist and a revel, a defender of women's rights. You like men but despise weak ones.
Subject: late Sunday chucklettes
Date: Sun, 25 Oct 1998 23:45:28 -0800
From: mmb <mmb
To: "Magic Mike Mailout bcc's" <mmb
So many stupid people... so few meteors.
Hi,Here's a Sunday late letter. The Pleiades Star Cluster is close enough and bright enough to see without binoculars. It is also known as the Seven Sisters, and M45. See it at the Photolinks page, http://funandmagic.com/photolinks2.htm Tomorrow, our actual entry into space age techn, the new Ion drive!
Have a magic day and pass it on.
Magic Mike
parlor.htm
A blond woman walks into a store. Curious about a shiny object, she asks, "What is that?" The store clerk responds, "It's a thermos." The blond then asks, "What does it do?" The clerk says "It keeps hot things hot and cold things cold." So she buys one. The next day, she brings it to work with her. Her boss, also a blond, asks, "What is that shiny object?" She replies "It's a thermos." He asks, "What does it do?" She says, "It keeps hot things hot and cold things cold." He then asks, "What do you have in there?" "Two cups of coffee and a popsicle." -
-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=
--=-=-=--=-=--=---=-=-
A lawyer was on his death bed in a hospital. When a friend came to visit,
he found the lawyer frantically leafing through the Bible. "What are
you doing?" the visitor asked. The sick lawyer replies, "Looking
for loopholes."
--=-=-=-=-=-=-=--=-=-=-=-=-==-=-==-==
A bloke is driving around in his Porsche in the English countryside. He
stops outside a field full of sheep, walks up to the shepherd and says,
"I've got an offer. I'll guess how many sheep you've got in this field,
and if I guess right, I get to take a sheep with me. If I guess wrong,
you get my car."
The shepherd thinks he's on to a sure thing and agrees.
"137" says the driver.
"Damn me, you're right," says the shepherd and dutifully hands over a sheep.
The man walks away, stuffs the sheep in his car and is about to drive away when the shepherd knocks on his window. "I've got a proposal for you." says the shepherd. "If I can guess what you do for a living, I get to take your car. If I'm wrong, you can have all my sheep."
"Done," says the driver
"You're a consultant," says the shepherd.
"Bloody hell! How did you guess?"
"Easy. You come in here uninvited, you tell me what I already know, and then you charge me for it." ---=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-==--=-=-=-=-=-=--=--=-=---=The two female teens were discussing a news article concerning gasoline fumes causing impotence in the male.
"Aren't you worried about Tommy's new job at the gas station? Those fumes could cause him to lose the lead in his pencil."
"Doesn't matter," giggled the other girl. "He doesn't do all my writing anyway."-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=
-=-=-=-=-=-=-=
-=-=-==--=-=-=-An attorney had just finished a consultation with an elderly, nearly blind
widow, for which he charged her $100. The widow opened her purse and removed
a $100 bill. When the lawyer accepted it, he noticed there was another
$100 stuck to it. Immediately the lawyers keen legal mind realized he was
faced with a vital ethical question:
Should he tell his partner?
Subject: Dolphins, Martha Stewart meets Erma Bombeck
Date: Sat, 24 Oct 1998 09:04:24 +0000
From: mmb <mmb
To: "Magic Mike Mailout bcc's" <mmb
Hi,
Got a joke or photo for me? Here's two dolphins having fun. You know, dolphins
and man are the only mammals that have sex for fun. This pic shows two
dolphins enjoying water flips.
It's at the photolinks page. http://funandmagic.com/photolinks2.htmHave a magic day and pass it on.
Magic Mike
http://funandmagic.com/
Hi Erma, This perfectly delightful note is being sent on paper I made myself to tell you what I have been up to. Since it snowed last night, I got up early and made a sled with old barn wood and a glue gun. I hand painted it in gold leaf, got out my loom, and made blanket in peaches and mauves. Then to make the sled complete, I made a white horse to pull it, from DNA that I had just sitting around in my craft room. By then, it was time to start making the place mats and napkins for my 20 breakfast guests. I'm serving the old standard Stewart twelve-course breakfast, but I'll let you in on a little secret: I didn't have time to make the tables and chairs this morning, so I used the ones I had on hand. Before I moved the table into the dining room, I decided to add just a touch of the holidays. So I repainted the room in pinks and stenciled gold stars on the ceiling. Then, while the homemade bread was rising, I took antique candle molds and made the dishes (exactly the same shade of pink) to use for breakfast. These were made from Hungarian clay, which you can get at almost any Hungarian craft store. Well, I must run. I need to finish the buttonholes on the dress I'm wearing for breakfast. I'll get out the sled and drive this note to the post office as soon as the glue dries on the envelope I'll be making. Hope my breakfast guests don't stay too long, I have 40,000 cranberries to string with bay leaves before my speaking engagement at noon. It's a good thing.
Love, Martha Stewart
P.S. When I made the ribbon for this typewriter, I used 1/8-inch gold gauze. I soaked the gauze in a mixture of white grapes and blackberries which I grew, picked, and crushed last week just for fun.
-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=
-=-=-=-=-=-=-=
-=-=-=-=
"Response from Erma Bombeck:
Dear Martha, I'm writing this on the back of an old shopping list,
pay no attention to the coffee and jelly stains. I'm 20 minutes late getting
my daughter up for school, packing a lunch with one hand, on the phone
with the dog pound, seems old Ruff needs bailing out, again. Burnt my arm
on the curling iron when I was trying to make those cute curly fries, how
DO they do that? Still can't find the scissors to cut out some snowflakes,
tried using an old disposable razor . . . trashed the tablecloth. Tried
that cranberry thing, frozen cranberries mushed up after I defrosted them
in the microwave. Oh, and don't use Fruity Pebbles as a substitute in that
Rice Krispie snowball recipe, unless you happen to like a disgusting shade
that resembles puke! The smoke alarm is going off, talk to ya later.
Love, Erma
Subject: It has been discovered that lawyers are the larval stage of politicians.
Date: Fri, 23 Oct 1998 08:27:48 +0000
From: mmb <mmb
To: "Magic Mike Mailout bcc's" <mmb
Hi,
Wow! It TGIF already. It's almost 1999 already! Wouldn't it be nice if
global awareness was a bi-product of the new millenium? Here is a pic that
puts petty bickering in perspective. The Seyfert Galaxy NGC 7742 is 3,000
light years across. It's about 72 Million light years away in the Pegasus
constellation. Looks like a big fried egg! Our sun would be a teeny dot
there. It's like we're all dressed up will nowhere to go! See it at the
photolinks page. http://funandmagic.com/photolinks2.htm
Have a magic day and pass it on.
Magic Mike
A Dublin lawyer died in poverty and many barristers of the city sub- scribed
to a fund for his funeral. The Lord Chief Justice of Orbury was asked to
donate a shilling. "Only a shilling?" said the Justice, "Only
a shilling to bury an attorney? Here's a guinea; go and bury 20 more of
them."
"You seem to have more than the average share of intelligence for a man of your background," sneered the lawyer at a witness on the stand. "If I wasn't under oath, I'd return the compliment," replied the witness.
Definition of a lawyer: a man who helps you get what's coming to him.
Diogenes went to look for an honest lawyer. "How's it going?", someone asked. "Not too bad", said Diogenes. "I still have my lantern."
A woman and her little girl were visiting the grave of the little girl's grandmother. On their way through the cemetery back to the car, the little girl asked, "Mommy, do they ever bury two people in the same grave?" "Of course not, dear." replied the mother, "Why would you think that?" "The tombstone back there said 'Here lies a lawyer and an honest man.'"
The defendant who pleads their own case has a fool for a client, but at least there will be no problem with fee-splitting.
There are two kinds of lawyers, those who know the law and those who know the judge.
A lawyer's dog, running about unleashed, beelines for a butcher shop and steals a roast. Butcher goes to lawyer's office and asks, "If a dog running unleashed steals a piece of meat from my store, do I have a right to demand payment for the meat from the dog's owner?" The lawyer answers, "Absolutely." "Then you owe me $8.50. Your dog was loose and stole a roast from me today." The lawyer, without a word, writes the butcher a check for $8.50 (attorneys don't carry cash; it's too plebeian). Several days later, the butcher opens the mail and finds an envelope from the lawyer: $20 due for a consultation.
If you laid all of the lawyers in the world, end to end, on the equator, it would be a good idea to just leave them there.
Why are there more flies in Cairo than lawyers in Washington? Answer: Cairo got first choice.
Talk is cheap...until lawyers get involved. Between grand theft and a legal fee, there only stands a law degree.
Subject: Someday we'll look back on all this and plow into a parked car.
Date: Thu, 22 Oct 1998 21:24:30 +0000
From: mmb <mmb
To: "Magic Mike Mailout bcc's" <mmb Hi,
My comp was in the shop for a checkup and a check (out) (of my pocket). So I owe you one. Last time that happened I paid you back with a picture of Io. Hey, this is no time to break a tradition. Here's an aurora around Io. Go see it at the photolinks page.
Have a magic day and pass it on.
Magic Mike
parlor.htm
Hints on when you can tell it is not going to be a good day:
- You wake up face down on the pavement. - You put your bra on backwards and it fits better. - You call Suicide Prevention and they put you on hold. - You see a '60 Minutes' news team waiting in your office. - Your birthday cake collapses from the weight of the candles. - You want to put the clothes on you wore home from the party but find there aren't any. - Your twin brother forgot your birthday. - You turn on the news and they're showing emergency routes from the city. - Your car horn accidentally goes off and remains stuck as you follow a group of Hells Angels along a deserted highway. - You wake to discover your waterbed has sprung a leak and then realize you don't have a waterbed. - Your boss tells you not to bother to take off your coat. - The bird singing outside your window is a vulture. - You call your answering service and you're told to mind your own business. - Your blind date turns out to be your ex-wife. - Your tax refund check bounces. - You put both contact lenses in the same eye. - Your pet rock snaps at you. - Your wife says "Good Morning, Bill" and your name is George. Hints on when you can tell it is not going to be a good day: - You wake up face down on the pavement. - You put your bra on backwards and it fits better. - You call Suicide Prevention and they put you on hold. - You see a '60 Minutes' news team waiting in your office. - Your birthday cake collapses from the weight of the candles. - You want to put the clothes on you wore home from the party but find there aren't any. - Your twin brother forgot your birthday. - You turn on the news and they're showing emergency routes from the city. - Your car horn accidentally goes off and remains stuck as you follow a group of Hells Angels along a deserted highway. - You wake to discover your waterbed has sprung a leak and then realize you don't have a waterbed. - Your boss tells you not to bother to take off your coat. - The bird singing outside your window is a vulture. - You call your answering service and you're told to mind your own business. - Your blind date turns out to be your ex-wife. - Your tax refund check bounces. - You put both contact lenses in the same eye. - Your pet rock snaps at you. - Your wife says "Good Morning, Bill" and your name is George.
Subject: Banging your head against a wall uses 150 calories an hour.
Date: Tue, 20 Oct 1998 21:55:39 +0000
From: mmb <mmb
To: "Magic Mike Mailout bcc's" <mmb
Quote: "People show their character in nothing more clearly than by what they find laughable." -Anon
Hi,
Today, "The Case of The Missing..... Aurora. For some reason, Boreali
disappear around midnight. Here's a nice one near Wildcat Mountain, in
Wisconsin. To see it at the photolink
page, click on the link above link and follow your toes. Welcome and
thanx to some new contributors of jokes. Forward this to everyone so they
will forward BACK some new jokes. And of course, new pics are wanted too!Have a magic day and pass it on.
Magic Mike
http://funandmagic.com/USELESS PARTS
Did you know that a man is made up of many useless things?
He has an Adam's apple that isn't an apple Two calves that will never become cows A nose bridge that doesn't lead anywhere A roof of the mouth that won't cover anything Twenty nails that won't hold a board A chest that won't hold linen Two boobs that won't give milk Two buns that won't feed anyone A belly button that won't button Two balls that won't roll An ass that won't pull a plow An organ that won't play music A cock that won't crow
And what are YOU laughing about? You've got a pussy that
won't catch mice!! ---=--=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=
If love of money is the root of all evil, why do churches want it?
My computer goes down on anybody
Save the ugly animals too I always take life with a grain
of salt, ...plus a slice of lemon ...and a shot of tequila
-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=---=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=---=-=-=-=-=
New Pricing Policy
-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-
Dear Valued Customer,
Due to a dramatic increase in our overhead costs, we are obliged to charge you for our general support services from this point forward. Our new price list is as follows:
Simple answers $ 3.00 Answers which need some thought $ 7.00 Honest answers $12.00
And, for services we find ourselves performing even more frequently: Answers to dumb and unnecessary questions $ 20.00
We cannot keep our standard reactions free any longer:
Shrug $ 1.00 Look dumb $ 2.00 Look very dumb $ 5.00 Get the boss $ 15.00
There is one reaction that remains free of charge:
Ignore you completely FREE
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Slow Starter -
=-=-=-=-=-=-=-
A preacher retired and moved to the country to enjoy life and practice his hobby of yard work. Needing a lawn mower, he headed into town to buy one. On the way he saw a sign advertising a lawn mower for sale. He stopped at the house and a young lad came out to greet him.
The preacher asked about the lawn mower and the kid said it was behind the house. The two went to look at the lawn mower. The engine was
sputtering along at idle speed. The preacher increased the speed of the engine and mowed a few strips. Satisfied that the mower would do the job they settled on a price of $25.00.
Later in the day, the young lad was riding his bicycle when he spied the preacher pulling on the engine starter rope. The kid stopped and watched for a couple of minutes. He asked, "What's wrong?"
The reply came, "I can't get this mower started. Do you know how?"
The kid said, "Yep."
"Well, how do you do it? Tell me!", the preacher yelled.
The kid replied, "You have to cuss it."
The preacher rose up indignantly. "Now you listen here. I am a preacher and if I ever did cuss, not saying I have, I've forgotten how to do it after all these years."
With a wise look on his face well beyond his years, the
kid said, "Preacher, you keep on pulling that rope and it'll all come
back to ya."
-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=----=-=
LITTLE KNOWN BITS OF TRIVIA
If you yelled for 8 years, 7 months, and 6 days, you would have produced enough sound energy to heat one cup of coffee.
If you pass gas consistently for 6 years and 9 months, enough gas is produced to create the energy of an atomic bomb.
The human heart creates enough pressure when it pumps out to the body to squirt blood 30 feet.
Banging your head against a wall uses 150 calories an hour.
Humans and dolphins are the only species that have sex for pleasure.
On average people fear spiders more than they do death.
The strongest muscle in the body is the TONGUE.
It's impossible to sneeze with your eyes open.
You can't kill yourself by holding your breath.
Americans on the average eat 18 acres of pizza every day.
Every time you lick a stamp, you're consuming 1/10 of a calorie.
Did you know that you are more likely to be killed by a champagne cork than by a poisonous spider?
Right-handed people live, on average, nine years longer than left-handed people do.
In ancient Egypt, Priests plucked EVERY hair from their bodies, including their eyebrows and eyelashes.
A pig's orgasm lasts for 30 minutes.
A crocodile cannot stick its tongue out.
The ant can lift 50 times its own weight, can pull 30 times its own weight and always falls over on its right side when intoxicated.
Polar bears are left handed.
The catfish has over 27,000 taste buds, that makes the catfish rank #1 for animals having the most taste buds.
The flea can jump 350 times its body length, that is like a human jumping the length of a football field.
A cockroach will live nine days without it's head, before it starves to death.
The male praying mantis cannot copulate while its head is attached to its body. The female initiates sex by ripping the male's head off.
Some lions mate over 50 times a day.
Butterflies taste with their feet.
Elephants are the only animals that can't jump. (thankfully)
A cat's urine glows under a blacklight.
An ostrich's eye is bigger than it's brain.
Starfish have no brains.Subject: X-Ray sun, Microsoft products
Date: Mon, 19 Oct 1998 10:14:13 +0000
From: mmb <mmb
To: "Magic Mike Mailout bcc's" <mmb
Hi,
Here's a view of the Sun in X-Ray. See it at the photlinks
page. Gotta run!
Have a magic day and pass it on!
Magic Mike
parlor.htm
MS-Contraceptive-98
-----------------
Microsoft Corporation has taken another step toward dominating every
aspect of American life with the introduction of Contraceptive98, a suite
of applications designed for users who engage in sex.
Microsoft has been a pioneer in peer-to-peer connectivity and plug and play. It believes these technologies will give it substantial leverage in penetrating the copulation enhancement market.
The product addresses two important user concerns: the need for virus protection and the need for a firewall to ensure the non-propagation of human beings.
The Contraceptive98 suite consists of three products: Condom98, DeFetus 1.0 (from Sementec), and AIDScan 2.1 (from Norton Utilities).
A free copy of Intercourse Explorer 4.0 is bundled in the package. The suite also comes in two expanded versions. Contraceptive98 Professional is the Client/Server edition, for professionals in the sexual services sector. Contraceptive98 Small Business Edition is a package for start-ups, aimed at the housewife and gigolo niches.
While Contraceptive98 does not address non-traditional copulatory channels, future plug-ins are planned for next year. They will be known as BackDoor, AuraLee, TitElation, and JerkOff.
OPERATION Only one node in a peer-to-peer connection needs to install the package. At installation, the Condom98 software checks for minimum hardware. If the user meets the requirements, the product installs and is sufficiently scaleable to meet most requirements. After installation, operation commences. One caution is that the user must have sufficient RAM to complete the session. When the session is complete, a disconnect is initiated, and the user gets the message, It is now safe to turn off your partner.
DRAWBACKS Usability testers report that frequent failures were a major concern during beta testing. General Protection Fault was the most serious error encountered. Early versions had numerous bugs, but most of these have been eliminated. The product needs to be installed each time its used.
CONCLUSION Contraceptive98 is a robust product. Despite
its drawbacks, it is a reasonably good value for its $49.95 price tag,
and is far superior to its shareware version. Hopefully, future releases
(of the software, that is) will add missing functionality, such as Backout
and Restore, Uninterruptable Power Supply, and Onboard Camera. Microsoft
CEO Bill Gates is optimistic about Contraceptive98s potential. He recently
said, "Our contraceptive products will help users do to each other
what we've been doing to our customers for years."
-=-=-=-=-=-
-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=---=-=
-=-=-==-=-=-=-=-=-
A nun who works for a local home health care agency was out making her
rounds when she ran out of gas. As luck would have it there was a station
just down the street. She walked to the station to borrow a can with enough
gas to start the car and drive to the station for a fill up.
The attendant regretfully told her that the only can he owned had just been loaned out, but if she would care to wait he was sure it would be back shortly. Since the nun was on the way to see a patient she decided not to wait and walked back to her car
After looking through her car for something to carry to
the station to fill with gas, she spotted a bedpan she was taking to the
patient. Always resourceful, she carried it to the station and filled it
with gasoline. As she was pouring the gas into the tank of her car two
men walked by. One was heard to exclaim, "Now that is what I call
faith!"
=-=-=-=-
-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=---=-=
-=-==-=-==-=-==-
Occupational Descriptions
An accountant is someone who knows the cost of everything and the value of nothing.
An auditor is someone who arrives after the battle and bayonets all the wounded.
A banker is a fellow who lends you his umbrella when the sun is shining and wants it back the minute it begins to rain. (Mark Twain)
An economist is an expert who will know tomorrow why the things he predicted yesterday didn't happen today.
A statistician is someone who is good with numbers but lacks the personality to be an accountant.
An actuary is someone who brings a fake bomb on a plane, because that decreases the chances that there will be another bomb on the plane. (Laurence J. Peter)
A programmer is someone who solves a problem you didn't know you had in a way you don't understand.
A mathematician is a blind man in a dark room looking for a black cat which isn't there. (Charles R. Darwin)
A topologist is a man who doesn't know the difference between a coffee cup and a doughnut.
A lawyer is a person who writes a 10,000 word document and calls it a "brief." (Franz Kafka)
A psychologist is a man who watches everyone else when a beautiful girl enters the room.
A professor is one who talks in someone else's sleep.
A schoolteacher is a disillusioned woman who used to think she liked children.
A consultant is someone who takes the watch off your wrist and tells you the time.
A diplomat is someone who can tell you to go to hell in such a way that you will look forward to the trip.
Subject: Saturn Seen Sideways. Here kitty, kitty, kitty
Date: Sun, 18 Oct 1998 09:47:21 +0000
From: mmb <mmb
To: "Magic Mike Mailout bcc's" <mmb
Hi,
Oh Yeah! You want to see this one on your desktop. Saturn's
Rings Seen Sideways. Two views, one slightly higher that shows the
rings off. These beautiful cosmic marbles, in the vast void of space, formed
by sucking all the stellar debris and basic hydrogen in the area into itself,
by the shear size of it's accumulating gravitation influence. As you look
at it, in it's preponderating , unbelievable, awesomeness, you can't help
but think of the unrealness of a cartoon, painted in space. In that frame
of mind, reference Einstein's postulations that mass, or what we consider
to be an object, IS an illusion, created by a gravitational effect on light,
being bent by curvature of space in a gravitational well of a black hole,
so saying, that ALL matter is a form of a mini black hole, that surrounds
a gravitational event. As we know, the color we see of an object is the
reflection or bouncing off of that object, of the frequency of light that
is NOT being absorbed by the object, but the bouncing off of the color
frequency rejected, or not absorbed. So, we don't really see the object
as it is. We never see that. We see the reflected light. The other light,
being absorbed, is in effect. being drawn into a black hole of a gravitational
well being defined, and created by the object, which bends the curvature
of space, and light, in it's location in time and space. In other words,
the Buddhist metaphysics experts say at first you see a mountain. As you
become more enlightened you realize the mountain doesn't exist. After enlightenment
you realize the mountain for what it is. First there is a mountain. Then
there is no mountain. Then there is one.
Physics masters and Buddhist masters have had a lot of
fun debating the mind. Like Rush Limbaugh is to Clinton, Heisenberg's Uncertainty
Principle, that observation effects reality, has fueled an industry of
speculation. I hope I made things clearer, by misunderstanding you more.
When I was in Penn State's College of Chemical Engineering, I thought of
switching to Theoretical Physics. I came to the conclusion that trying
to figure things out was a waste of time. That's when I transferred to
Communications and became a disc jockey. More on theoretical physics below.Have a magic day and pass it along.
Magic Mike
parlor.htm
Schroedinger's Cat
Copyright 1998 by Doug Craigen All rights reserved
A long time ago somebody asked the question "If a tree falls in a forest, and nobody is there, is there still a sound?" The problem is, do things happen the same when nobody can watch them, and can we ever find out? And what if its not even possible to watch them? Scientists and philosophers have argued about this for a long long long time.
In the last hundred years a lot of scientists have been very disturbed by something called Quantum Mechanics. They all agree about how it works, and that it does work, but they can't all agree about what it means. Here's an example: if you have very small balls going through a wall that has two very small holes that are close together, you get a strange pattern for how the balls come out on the other side. You might think that you could measure which hole each of the balls went through. Well, the funny thing is that if you do anything that lets you measure which hole they go through, you get a different pattern for the balls coming out on the other side. If everything is very small, you change everything too much just by trying to watch.
Scientists can agree on this much, but can't agree on what it means. If you can't measure which hole a ball goes through, does it still go through just one of them, or does it do something unexpected? Does it even make sense to talk about which hole it went through when you could never find out?
Two very famous scientists who couldn't agree on the answer were Einstein and Schroedinger. One day Schroedinger explained his opinion to Einstein by talking about his cat. He suggested that you put a cat in a box with a bottle of poison, and the bottle will open and kill the cat at some time that you don't know. Then at some later time is the cat dead or alive? Einstein says that it is one or the other, but we can't know which until we open the box. Shroedinger says that it is neither - the cat is a mixture of dead and alive, and only becomes one or the other when we open the box.
Now in case you are worried about Schroedinger and Einstein's
cats, you should know that they were not only famous for being great scientists,
Einstein especially was also famous for his great love. Besides that, they
were a kind of scientist called a theoretician. This means that mostly
they came up with ideas about how the world worked and made predictions
about what should happen if you did different things. Actually doing the
experiments to find out which theoreticians are right is usually the job
of experimentalists. The problem with trying to do an real experiment with
real cats to find out the answer is that Schroedinger made up the question
in a way that makes it impossible to do it. The question is what is happening
in the box when you aren't making any measurements, so if we do make measurements
we've broken the rules of the puzzle.
Derek Robb
Schroedinger! Erwin! Professor of physics! Wrote darling equations! Confounded his critics! (not bad eh? Don't worry, this part of the verse starts off pretty good, but it gets a lot worse) Win saw that the theory that Newton'd invented by Einstein's discov'ries had been badly dented "What now?" wailed his collegues. Said Erwin: "Don't Panic, No grease monkey I but a Quantum Mechanic! Consider electrons. Now these teeny articles are sometimes like waves and sometimes like particles. If that's not confusing, this nuclear dance of electrons and suchlike is governed by chance! No sweat tho - My theory permits us to judge where some of 'em is and the rest of 'em was" Not everyone bought this. It threatened to wreck the comforting balence of cause and effect. E'en Einstein had doubts, & so Schroedinger tried to tell him what Quantum Mechanics implied. Said Win to Al "Brother, suppose we've a cat, and inside a tube we have put that cat at along with a solitaire deck and some Fritos, a bottle of Night Train, a couple mosquitos, (or something else rhyming) and oh, if you got 'em, one vial prussic acid, one decaying ottam. Or atom -whatever- but when it emits, a trigger device blasts the vial into bits which snuffs the poor kitty. The odds of this crime are fifty to fifty per hour each time. The cylinder's sealed. The hour's past away. Is our kitty still purring or pushing up daisies? Now YOU'D say the cat either lives or it don't, but Quantum Mechanics is stubborn and won't. Statistically speaking, the cat (goes the joke) is half a cat breathing and half a cat croaked. To some this may seem an impossible split, but Quantum Mechanics must answer 'Tough shit. We may not know much, but one thing's fo' sho': there are things in the cosmos that we cannot know. Shine light on electrons - you'll cause them to swerve. The act of observing disturbs the observed - which ruins your test. But then if there's no testing to see if a particle's moving or resting, why try to conjecture? Pure useless endeavor! We know probability - certainty never!' The effect of this notion? I very much fear 'twill make doubtful all things that were formerly clear. Till soon the cat doctors will say in reports: 'We've just flipped a coin and we've learned he's a corpse'" So saith Herr Erwin. Quoth Albert, "You're nuts. God doesn't play dice with the universe, putz. I'll prove it!" he said, and lord knows he tried in vain - until fin'ly he more or less died. Win spoke at his funeral:"Listen, dear friends, sweet Al was my buddy. I must make amends. Though he doubted my theory, I'll say of this saint. 10 to 1 he's in heaven- but five bucks says he ain't."
Subject: Web movies, M31, Murphy, Firesign's Proctor[Fwd: PP 98 - 26]
Date: Sat, 17 Oct 1998 09:48:28 +0000
From: Magic Mike B <mmb
Organization: http://funandmagic.com/
To: "Magic Mike Mailout bcc's" <mmb
Q. How many lawyers does it take to roof a house? A. Depends on how thin you slice them. (Except MY lawyer, who is on this mailout, Hi Peter!) (Our third federal case on 1st Amendment against Seattle is in discovery)
Hi,
Today is jam-packed with goodies. Planet Proctor Orbits the bottom of this
mailout. Phil's new Firesign Theater record is out. My buddy Phil is on
this mailout. Hi Phil! Buy his record! Buy all 20! Phil and friends are
quite prolific. Speaking of.... You'll want to know Murphy's Love Laws.
By the way, why do Republicans want sex control, are against birth control,
against abortion, and oppose gun control. That's not a joke. Or is it?
Wouldn't it be better if kids had a condom in their pockets and purses,
instead of a gun? Make love, not war is still a better choice. Register
to vote and send a loud, clear note. Go see a web movie. See one hour movies.
Realplayer buffers them and starts playing them in a few seconds to a minute.
Choose 28.8 rate unless your have ISDN phone connection. Clicking off while
playing will lose the video buffer, and might need closing restarting.
See Jet Benny, a comedy spoof on Jack Benny and Things To Come, a 1932
drama based on H.G. Wells. The entry links are on today's photolinks page.
which is now divided into eight pages. http://funandmagic.com/photolinks2.htm
Also see spectacular M31 Globular cluster in two views, while there today.
The Photolinks page is now getting a few hundred hits a day, and people
from other countries. Keep forwarding this, thanks. Someone from the Philippines
ordered a whole house water filter from my water page. If you don't have
a filter you are the filter. The whole house unit only costs $369 and you
stop drinking and bathing in crud. Have a magic day and pass it on.
Magic Mike
Murphy's Love Laws
1.All the good ones are taken. 2.If the person isn't taken,
there's a reason. (corr. to 1) 3.The nicer someone is, the farther away
(s)he is from you. 4.Brains x Beauty x Availability = Constant. 5.The amount
of love someone feels for you is inversely proportional to how much you
love them. 6.Money can't buy love, but it sure gets you a great bargaining
position. 7.The best things in the world are free --- and worth every penny
of it. 8.Every kind action has a not-so-kind reaction. 9.Nice guys(girls)
finish last. 10.If it seems too good to be true, it probably is. 11.Availability
is a function of time. The minute you get interested is the minute they
find someone else. 12.The more beautiful the woman is who loves you, the
easier it is to leave her with no hard feelings. 13.Nothing improves with
age. 14.No matter how many times you've had it, if it's offered take it,
because it'll never be quite the same again. 15.Sex has no calories. 16.Sex
takes up the least amount of time and causes the most amount of trouble.
17.There is no remedy for sex but more sex. 18.Sex appeal is 50% what you've
got and 50% what people think you've got. 19.No sex with anyone in the
same office. 20.Sex is like snow; you never know how many inches you are
going to get or how long it is going to last. 21.A man in the house is
worth two in the street. 22.If you get them by the balls, their hearts
and minds will follow. 23.Virginity can be cured. 24.When a man's wife
learns to understand him, she usually stops listening to him. 25.Never
sleep with anyone crazier than yourself. 26.The qualities that most attract
a woman to a man are usually the same ones she can't stand years later.
27.Sex is dirty only if it's done right. 28.It is always the wrong time
of month. 29.The best way to hold a man is in your arms. 30.When the lights
are out, all women are beautiful. 31.Sex is hereditary. If your parents
never had it, chances are you won't either. 32.Sow your wild oats on Saturday
night -- Then on Sunday pray for crop failure. 33.The younger the better.
34.The game of love is never called off on account of darkness. 35.It was
not the apple on the tree but the pair on the ground that caused the trouble
in the garden. 36.Sex discriminates against the shy and the ugly. 37.Before
you find your handsome prince, you've got to kiss a lot of frogs. 38.There
may be some things better than sex, and some things worse than sex. But
there is nothing exactly like it. 39.Love your neighbor, but don't get
caught. 40.Love is a hole in the heart. 41.If the effort that went in research
on the female bosom had gone into our space program, we would now be running
hot-dog stands on the moon. 42.Love is a matter of chemistry, sex is a
matter of physics. 43.Do it only with the best. 44.Sex is a three-letter
word which needs some old-fashioned four-letter words to convey its full
meaning. 45.One good turn gets most of the blankets. 46.You cannot produce
a baby in one month by impregnating nine women. 47.Love is the triumph
of imagination over intelligence. 48.It is better to have loved and lost
than never to have loved at all. 49.Thou shalt not commit adultery.....unless
in the mood. 50.Never lie down with a woman who's got more troubles than
you. 51.Abstain from wine, women, and song; mostly song. 52.Never argue
with a women when she's tired -- or rested. 53.A woman never forgets the
men she could have had; a man, the women he couldn't. 54.What matters is
not the length of the wand, but the magic in the stick. 55.It is better
to be looked over than overlooked. 56.Never say no. 57.A man can be happy
with any woman as long as he doesn't love her. 58.Folks playing leapfrog
must complete all jumps. 59.Beauty is skin deep; ugly goes right to the
bone. 60.Never stand between a fire hydrant and a dog. 61.A man is only
a man, but a good bicycle is a ride. 62.Love comes in spurts. 63.The world
does not revolve on an axis. 64.Sex is one of the nine reasons for reincarnation;
the other eight are unimportant. 65.Smile, it makes people wonder what
you are thinking. 66.Don't do it if you can't keep it up. 67.There is no
difference between a wise man and a fool when they fall in love. 68.Never
go to bed mad, stay up and fight. 69.Love is the delusion that one woman
differs from another. 70."This won't hurt, I promise." 71.Nothing
improves with age. Subject: PP 98 - 26
Date: Fri, 16 Oct 1998 18:33:23 -0400
From: Phil Proctor <PProctor@compuserve.com
To: AAA <pproctor@compuserve.com
"More than any time in history mankind faces a crossroads. One path leads to despair and utter hopelessness, the other to total extinction. Let us pray that we have the wisdom to choose correctly. " Woody Allen
LET'S EAT! It's National Pocorn Poppin' Month! On the twelfth, the 42nd annual Tomato War takes place in Fayston, Vermont; the sixteenth is World Food day, Louisiana holds its Yambolee Festival in Opelousas on the eighteenth, and the twenty-fifth provides the Great Pumpkin Weekend in Chadds Ford, Pennsylvania. Yum.
MY PLATE IS FULL Last week, I did two episodes of the upcoming "Dilbert" primetime cartoon for Larry Charles as - Catbert. I'm still purring. Also deep in rehearsal for the Antaeus company's production of Gilbert and Sullivan's "Patience" chosen by the California Arts Council to open the newly renovated [INSIDE] the Ford on November 7. The run will be Thursday through Saturday at 8:00 with Saturday and Sunday Matinees at 2:00, up to Xmas and possibly beyond.(X - The Unknown!) Prices range from $16.00 - $18.50. You can order through (323) 660 TKTS or the Ford Box office at (323) GO 1 FORD. No excuses for not coming to see me as the Duke and Melinda as Lady Angela will be tolerated! Be there or Be Ware... Also, I'm directed the very talented Tulis McCall in her startling one-woman multiple-personality show "Truth Be Told - An Evening of Urban Encounters." We guarantee you have never seen anything like it, but "Freak" comes close. The first public performances will be for THREE NIGHTS ONLY Mon. - Wed., November 16, 17, 18 at the Ventura Court Theatre, 12417 Ventura Court. Admission $10.00 A Pittance. Won't begin to pay for all the characters she portrays.Reservations, email: tipsmcc@yahoo.com or call 310-418-8547. I'll be dunning you about this one as well, and my REALLY close friends may even get a mailing! Please come.
"What has posterity ever done for me? " Groucho Marx
HAIL FBI-DONIA! As several Planet regulars have written, Groucho "Julius" Marx's FBI files came to light recently thanks to Prof. Jon Wiener at U of C Irvine who helped to make the FBI files on John Lennon public. "After Lennon," he says, "why not Marx? So, "They concluded from their study he was not a member of the Communist Party. [It] was a very rigid organization; it's hard to imagine a wisecracking spirit like Groucho's in it." Besides, as Groucho said, "I'd never join a club that would have me as a member."
YOU JUST DON'T GET IT, DO YOU? Big flap over that 32-year-old actress/writer who passed herself off as a 19-year-old so she could get work! Riley Weston, who was chosen as one of the 100 most creative people by Entertainment Weekly, says she doesn't look old enough to play her own age. "I've been in a kind of Catch-22." Or Catch-32? Or Catch-18? Her ex-producers at WB Network's coming-of-age "Felicity" show say they hired her because of "the unique perspective we felt her age and life experience would bring." Well, yeah. Like -- been there, done that?
"I can't give you brains, but I can give you a diploma." The Wizard of Oz
SUSHI WITH A GRAIN OF SALT? A German restaurant has been attacked as "tasteless" by a woman's group for serving "Sushi a la Jungfrau" (Raw Fish Virgin Style) on suppine nude models. Customers have been "eating it up" and at $250 per client, das restaurant is sold out for weeks in advance. The tasty chicks, mostly starving students in their 20s, wear only a thin veil over their heads and a floral decoration on their naughty bits. "Caviar is stuffed into their belly buttons, swordfish near their armpits and between their legs -- raw tuna sushi." Samurai warrior bodyguards make sure nothing else is eaten. "It's a great way to earn some pocket money," said a nude model named Kim who had neither of either. She claims she could earn up to 800 marks per night ($1,596 US). But I must ask, who's the real mark here? We the p-e-ple? (Averyimp)
"Wine is all about time. The time it takes to make it and the time it takes to drink it..." Alchoholus Anoymous IT'S IN YOUR DREAMS... Dr. Scialli sent me the following psychic message: "I've been proofing Paul Remington's Firesign interview for Cosmick Debris and came across talk of the skit which predicted Bobby Kennedy's death." (and was performed at the Ashgrove, the night he was assassinated). "What's weird/wired is that I had the same thought just hours apart that night. I was 15, getting ready for bed in NJ (so, still evening in LA). Right after I dropped my clothes down the laundry chute, I felt dizzy and the thought entered my head: "Bobby Kennedy will not be able to continue the campaign after tonight." My second thought was not that accurate: that something (death) would happen to Teddy, that night. When the clock radio went off in the AM and there was a news voice instead of music, I immediately knew what had happened..." (Was that voice Art Bell's?)
"Duct tape is like the Force. It has a light side, and a dark side, and it holds the universe together." Ivan
WISE GUY, HUH? Two friends, Harvey Zittman and Tse Liu were discussing their cultural heritage and Harvey observed how wise the Chinese were."Yes," replied the Tse, "Our culture is over 4,000 years old. But you Jews are a very wise people, too." Harvey replied, "That's true. We just celebrated the New Year 5759!" "Really?" relied Liu."Where did your people eat for almost two thousand years?" (Margolis)
JOE, WE HARDLY KNEW YE... NEW YORK (AP) A judge threw out a $3 million lawsuit against the R.J. Reynolds Tobacco Co. after ruling a couple's landmark Greenwich Village building couldn't be kept out of a "Joe Camel'' advertisement superimposed onto a photograph of their building. The edifice is an historic landmark, and the owners have tried to protect its image by refusing to sell tobacco in the store they operate beneath their residence. They were outraged to find "the single most hateful image in all of corporate America'' in the doctored photo.
Dear Mr. Starr, The tests on the dress came back inconclusive. Everyone in Arkansas has the same DNA.
TEACH THE CHILDREN "If actions speak louder than words, here is what our children can learn from our President: "It's better to receive than give. Honesty is not the best policy. Rules are for losers. Certain kinds of lies are necessary and wise. Never accept responsibility for your wrongdoing. Character doesn't matter. Anything goes if your not caught. A clever lie is admirable. Corruption is a relative concept. Sex has nothing to do with love. Cheaters usually prosper. Being popular is the single most important thing in life. Delayed gratification is stupid. Apologies serve as punishment." Kansan Rich Davis in The Washington Post Letters to the Editor, Sept 5.
Now I ask you, can Clinton be impeached for "(B)low Crimes and Misbehaviors?"
HE SAYS, HE SAYS Here's a few excerpts from Scott Adams, creator of the "Dilbert" comic strip, on the Clinton thing: "Lately I have been subjected to many Induhvidual opinions about Zippergate. Rather than respond to them as they happen, which would require me to yell at my television set, thereby scaring all of my other appliances, I will address these curious viewpoints here. Note: I have no strong opinion of what should happen to the President. I'm just amused by it all. Some Induhviduals say it's not the sex, it's the lying that's the real problem. But it's not a general kind of lying that's the problem, it's specifically the President's unwillingness to share details of his sex life with every human being in the world. By that standard, only Geraldo Rivera and Dennis Rodman could qualify to be President. I have this image in my head of Yasser Arafat visiting the White House. Clinton offers him a Presidential cigar and Arafat says, "If you don't mind, could I have one that is still in the original wrapper?" This ugly incident turns into a towel fight and triggers World War Three. That's the best scenario I could come up with in which the President's ability to govern is affected by Zippergate."
Q. Was Jennifer Flowers as good as Monica Lewinski? A. Close, but no cigar.
TAKE A HEADER British Union Finds Dwarfs in Short Supply. Deaf College Opens Doors to Hearing. Man Minus Ear Waives Hearing. Man Struck by Lightning Faces Battery Charge. Air Head Fired. Steals Clock, Faces Time. Prosecutor Releases Probe into Undersheriff. Hospitals are Sued by 7 Foot Doctors. New Study of Obesity Looks for Larger Test Group. Bank Drive-in Window Blocked by Board. Astronaut Takes Blame for Gas in Spacecraft. Typhoon Rips Through Cemetery; Hundreds Dead. Deer Kill 17,000. Chef Throws His Heart into Helping Feed Needy. Kids Make Nutritious Snacks. Old School Pillars are Replaced by Alumni. Lansing Residents Can Drop Off Trees. High School Dropouts Cut in Half. Local New Vaccine May Contain Rabies. Red Tape Holds Up New Bridge... (Senor Lennie "Chili" Weinrib and the Ribettes)
"Honk if you love peace and quiet."
ANYTHYNGE YE WANTE TO In a recent article in the Sunday Times of London, Science Correspondent Steve Farrar writes that a textual computer analysis seeking subconsciously reoccuring patterns of language in Shakespeare's works by American academician Don Foster and Leeds University literature professor emeritus Park Honan, suggests that the Bard was "a ham actor who took to the stage only in cameo roles that would not challenge his limited abilities." (And I'll bet he lied about his age, too.) Among the 25 roles they claim Shakespeare played are King Henry IV and Duncan (in The Scottish Play). He may also have been the first to deliver the now familiar phrase, "murder most foul" as the Ghost in Hamlet.
He usually delivered opening lines according to Honan -- who's biography, "Shakespeare: A Life", is soon to be published by Oxford University Press -- "designed to ensure the playwright would be applauded for...little more than a cameo role," and leaving the meatier roles to the stars "who would be more likely to bring in the crowds." However, acclaimed Brit director Sir Peter Hall, is still sceptical. "I should think it's more likely the parts he played were the ones that nobody else would play, rather than ones he wrote for himself." (Or maybe 32-year-old Riley Weston penned them in a previous existence as the Earl of Something-or-Other.)
TO BE, ACCORDING TO SEUSS - OR NOT I ask to be, or not to be; that is the question I ask of me. This sullied life, it makes me shudder; my uncle's boffing dear, sweet mother. Would I, could I take my life? Could I, should I, end this strife? Should I jump out of a plane? Or throw myself before a train? Should I from a cliff just leap? Could I put myself to sleep? Shoot myself, or take some poison? Maybe try self immoloition? To shudder off this mortal coil, I could stab myself with a fencing foil. Slash my wrists while in the bath! Would it end my angst and wrath? To sleep, to dream, now there's the rub; I could drop a toaster in my tub. Would all be glad, if I were dead? Could I perhaps kill them instead? This line of thought takes consideration -- for I'm the king of procrastination. -- Author Unknown (Art Bell? Riley Westyon? Me?)
"Deja Moo: The feeling that you've heard this bull before."
BUY OUR RECORD! Buy our record. Buy our record. Buy our record. Buy our record. Buy our record. Buy our record. Buy our record. Buy our record. Buy our record. Buy our record. Buy our record. Buy our record.b Buy our record. Buy our record. Buy our record. Buy our record. Buy our record. Buy our record. Buy our record. Buy our record. Buy our record. Buy our record. Buy our record. Buy our record. Buy our record. (And they said CDs couldn't get stuck...)
+++++++++++(10/16/98)++++++++++ * PLANET PROCTOR: www.planetproctor.com * FIRESIGN SITE: www.firesigntheatre.com * FIREZINE: $15.00 per annum: www.intrepid.net/~firezine/ * FIRESIGN PRODUCT: www.lodestone-media.com * FUNNY TIMES: www.funnytimes.com PLANET PROCTOR (C) 1998 by Phil Proctor
Subject: Fwd: Ignorance and Bliss]
Date: Fri, 16 Oct 1998 09:37:43 +0000
From: Magic Mike B <mmb
Organization: http://funandmagic.com/
To: "Magic Mike Mailout bcc's" <mmb
Hi,
I sent you two letters that came about the Republican putsch against Clinton.
I hope you found them interesting. They say what I said about 2 weeks ago.
They couldn't find any real crimes or wrongdoing, they pushed him into
a corner about sex, and he was hard pressed to tell the truth about an
embarrassing topic. It didn't deserve to be on the agenda of a government
investigation. I think the Republican majority needs to become a minority.
If they can't listen to the polls of the country, vote them out! And PLEASE
vote Rush Limbaugh out too! Speaking of Republicans and Rush, I'm forwarding
a Dr. Science letter about ignorance and bliss. Today's pics are big versions
of yesterday's. They are 800k. You might not want to save them, or you
might want to reduce them. They ARE awesome. http://funandmagic.com/photolinks2.htmHave a magic day, and forward it!
Magic Mike
parlor.htm
A drunk staggers walks into a diner and orders a couple of eggs. The
waiter, suspecting that they've run out, goes back to question the chef.
"Hey, Gus, do we have any more eggs?"
Gus replies, "I ran out of fresh eggs, I only have two rotten eggs left."
The waiter says, "Give him the rotten eggs. He's so bombed he won't know the difference."
Gus scrambles up the rotten eggs and heaps on hash browns, sausage and toast. The drunk is so hungry he wolfs down the breakfast without comment.
He goes to pay the cashier and asks, "Where'd you get those eggs?"
She replies, "We have our own chicken farm."
The drunk asks, "Do you have a rooster?
"No," she says.
The drunk replies, "Well, you'd better get one, because some skunk is screwing your chickens."-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=
-=-oldie, but funnie
A man and woman are seated next to each other on a plane. After take off the woman violently sneezes and excuses herself to go to the bathroom - and the man next to her stands up to let her out.
She returned, and 5 minutes later, she sneezed and once more excused herself to go to the bathroom.
She returned again, and immediately sneezed again, excused herself and went to the bathroom...
The man, getting irritated at this point - asked her: "You keep sneezing, what's the problem?"
The woman responded: " I have a rare condition - everytime I sneeze I have an orgasm"
The man said: "What are you taking for it?" The woman responded: "Pepper."-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=
-=-=-=-=-=-=-Did you hear about the dyslexic Satanist? He sold his soul to Santa
Did you hear about the guy that lost his left arm and leg in a car crash? He's all right now.
How do crazy people go through the forest? They take the psycho path.
How do you get holy water? Boil the hell out of it.
How does a spoiled rich girl change a lightbulb? She says, "Daddy, I want a new apartment."
What did the fish say when he hit a concrete wall? "Dam".
What do Eskimos get from sitting on the ice too long? Polaroids.
What do prisoners use to call each other? Cell phones.
What do the letters D.N.A. stand for? National Dyslexics Association.
What do you call a boomerang that doesn't work? A stick.
What do you call cheese that isn't yours? Nacho Cheese.
What do you call Santa's helpers? Subordinate Clauses.
What do you call four bull fighters in quicksand? Quatro sinko.
What do you get from a pampered cow? Spoiled milk.
What do you get when you cross a snowman with a vampire? Frosbite.
What do you get when you cross an elephant and a skin doctor? A pachydermatologist
What has four legs, is big, green, fuzzy, and if it fell out of a tree would kill you? A pool table.
What is a zebra? 26 sizes larger than an "A" bra.
What kind of coffee was served on the Titanic? Sanka. and what kind of lettuce? Iceberg.
What lies at the bottom of the ocean and twitches? A nervous wreck.
What's the difference between an oral thermometer and a rectal thermometer? The taste.
What's the difference between roast beef and pea soup? Anyone can roast beef.
Where do you find a no legged dog? Right where you left him.
Where do you get virgin wool from? Ugly sheep.
Why are there so many Smiths in the phone book? They all have phones.
Why do bagpipers walk when they play? They're trying to get away from the noise.
Why do gorillas have big nostrils? Because they have big fingers.-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=
-=-=-=-=-=-=-=
-=-=-=-=-=-=
A young man was walking through a supermarket to pick a few things when
he noticed an old lady following him around. Thinking nothing of it, he
ignored her and continued on. Finally he went to the checkout line, but
she got in front of him.
"Pardon me," she said, "I'm sorry if my staring at you has made you feel uncomfortable. It's just that you look just like my son, who just died recently."
"Im very sorry," replied the young man, "Is there anything I can do for you?"
"Yes," she said, "As I'm leaving, can you say 'Good bye mother!' it would make me feel much better."
"Sure," answered the young man. As the old woman was leaving, he called out, "Good bye mother!"
As he stepped up to the checkout counter, he saw that his total was $127.50. "How can that be?" he asked, "I only purchased a few things!"
"Your mother said that you would pay for her," said the clerk.-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=
-=-=-=-=-=--=
You Give Me Chills and Fever, Baby
An elderly married couple scheduled their annual medical examinations on the same day so they could travel together. After the examination, the doctor then said to the elderly man, "You appear to be in good health. Do you have any medical concerns that you would like to discuss with me?"
"In fact, I do," said the man. "After I have sex with my wife for the first time, I am usually hot and sweaty. And then, after I have sex with my wife the second time, I am usually cold and chilly."
"This is very interesting," replied the doctor. "Let me do some research and get back to you."
After examining the elderly lady, the doctor said, "Everything appears to be fine. Do you have any medical concerns that you would like to discuss with me?" The lady replied that she had no questions nor concerns.
The doctor then asked, "Your husband had an unusual concern. He claims that he is usually hot and sweaty after having sex the first time with you and then cold and chilly after the second time. Do you know why?"
"Oh, that old buzzard!" she replied. "That's because the first time is usually in July and the second time is usually in December!"-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=
-=-=-=-=-
Fred had been a faithful Christian and was in the hospital, near death.
The family called their preacher to stand with them.
As the preacher stood next to the bed, Fred's condition appeared to deteriorate and he motioned frantically for something to write on.
The pastor lovingly handed him a pen and a piece of paper and Fred used his last bit of energy to scribble a note, then he died.
The preacher thought it best not to look at the note at that time, so he placed it in his jacket pocket.
At the funeral, as he was finishing the message, he realized that he was wearing the same jacket that he was wearing when Fred died. He said, "You know, Fred handed me a note just before he died. I haven't looked at it, but knowing Fred, I'm sure there's a word of inspiration there for us all."
He opened the note, and read, "Hey, you're standing
on my oxygen tube!" Subject: Ignorance and Bliss
Date: Thu, 15 Oct 1998 21:30:27 -0700
From: Doc@drscience.com To: dr-science@listserv.direct.net
-------------
Coming up from Dr. Science: The Speed of Sound Near Death Number Two Peg
Leg MTV Physics Explanation
Dear Doctor Science, If ignorance is bliss, why aren't more people smiling?
-- Timothy Leary Byrnes from Palo Alto, CA
It takes a certain level of intelligence to realize the real depths of your ignorance. Most people just don't make the grade and think themselves wise, or at least competent, when they are, in fact, blithering idiots. Smiling does make you stupid, however, which is why many drugs are illegal. If you'd like to prove it to yourself, smile while you take your next IQ test. I take one every morning, just to stay in shape. I've found that smiling causes me to score an average of twenty points lower. Even then, of course, I'm way above average. ------------- Hey, have you guys checked out the Questionable Hall of Fame down at the Dr.'s web site lately? You know we update that page every Friday and load it up with the best 7 or 8 questions you all have submitted to the good Dr. during the last few weeks. Lately we've had a particularly good selection of mental mysteries having to do with brassieres, escalators, cigars, and whether Ernest Borgnine is really the fuel source of the future. You think Dr. Science is weird? Read what's on the mind of your fellow Dr. Science fans at http://www.drscience.com/hallfame.htm and send us your brain buster today. ------------- Gold Star Question: I am anesthetized and generally tarnished. I am beset by varied arugulla and my ambulance has obligatory malfeasance. Compunctually, I can no longer obfuscate the oppossum I was dreanched for. What's going on? -- Bruce N. Honnigford from ? ------------- Subscription questions - send a blank message to faq@drscience.com. Visit the Ask Dr. Science web site at <http://www.drscience.com sponsored by the fine folks at Mindspring. All Dr. Science material Copyright 1998 Duck's Breath Mystery Theatre. All rights reserved.
Subject: SOHO's back with the goodies, sound tips, joke mailbag
Date: Thu, 15 Oct 1998 08:52:30 +0000
From: Magic Mike B <mmb
Organization: http://funandmagic.com/
To: "Magic Mike Mailout bcc's" <mmb
Hi,
Today's pic are from SOHO. A recent mission was able to reactivate it.
It has been doing close-up studies of the Sun. Here are 4 amazing close-ups.
One of red, helium light, and three eerie ones of Iron in gold, green,
and blue. http://funandmagic.com/photolinks2.htm
Here's another tip. Tired of the loud, obnoxious sounds of Windows 95 default
sounds? Do you have ALL you sound options enabled? Do you have all 95 tools
enabled? First, you can change those sounds in Control Panel/Sounds. Click
on a sound in the scheme and play it. If you don't like it, scan down the
other sounds available while on that selection. Leave it on a sound you
like for that operation, and preview another sound task and see if you
like it. When you have checked or changed them to your satisfaction, save
the scheme. I have changed all the blaring ones to softer, muted tones
and I think you'll enjoy not hearing those loud horns and chimes the default
sound offers. So I use some jungle, musica, robot, and utopia sounds. Now
do you have the jungle, robot, musica, and utopia sounds? Are you missing
other things in your Windows setup? Go to Settings/Control Panel/Add/Remove
Programs and open the tab that says Windows setup. If any of the options
are gray instead of white there are some not enabled. Double click on them
and you will see what is under that heading. Check the ones not enabled
and when you are done Windows will load them. It will either know where
the files are or ask for the disk. Put in your Windows disk, or tell it/browse
that they are in your Windows/ Options/Cabs directory.
Have a magic day. Pass it on.
Magic Mike
parlor.htm
Brenda O'Malley is home, as usual, making dinner, when Tim Finnegan arrives at her door. "Brenda, may I come in?" he asks. "I've something to tell ya."
"Of course you can come in." says Brenda. "You're always welcome, Tim. But where is my husband?"
"That's what I'm here to be telling ya, Brenda. There was an accident down at the Guinness Brewery"
"Oh God, No!" cries Brenda. "Please don't tell me..."
"I must, Brenda. Your husband Seamus is dead and gone. "I'm sorry."
Brenda reaches a hand to her side, found the arm of a rocking chair by the fireplace, pulled the chair to her and collapsed into it.
She wept for many minutes. Finally she looked up at Tim. "How did it happen, Tim?"
"Oh it was terrible, Brenda. He fell into a vat of Guinness Stout and drowned."
"Oh my dear husband. But you must tell me true, Tim. Did he at least go quickly?" asked Brenda.
"Well, no Brenda......no. Fact is, he got out three
times to pee."
-=-
-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=---=-=
==-=-=-=-=-
A door-to-door vacuum salesman goes to the first house in his new territory.
He knocks, a lady opens the door, and before she has a chance to say anything,
he runs inside and dumps horse dung all over the carpet. He says, "Lady,
if this vacuum cleaner don't do wonders cleaning up that horse dung, I'll
eat every chunk of it." She says, "We just moved in and we haven't
got the electricity turned on yet. Do you want tomato sauce on that or
would you prefer mustard?"
-=-=-=-=-
-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=---=-=
-==-=-
A man with a bad stomach complaint goes to his doctor and asks him what
he can do. The doctor replies that the illness is quite serious but can
be cured by inserting a suppository up his anal passage. The man agrees
and so the doctor warns him of the pain, tells him to bend over and shoves
the thing way up his behind. The doctor then hands him a second dose and
tells him to do the same thing in six hours.
So, the man goes home and later that evening tries to get the second suppository inserted, but he finds that he cannot reach himself properly to obtain the required depth. He calls his wife over and tells her what to do. The wife nods, puts one hand on his shoulder to steady him and with the other shoves the medicine home. Suddenly the man screams, "DAMN!"
"What's the matter?" asked the wife, "Did I hurt you?"
"No," replies the man, "but I just realized
that when the doctor did that, he had BOTH hands on my shoulders!"=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-===-=-
Most Middle Eastern countries recognize the following Islamic law: "After
having sexual relations with a lamb, it is a mortal sin to eat its flesh."
(They have a similar law in WV!)
In Lebanon, men are legally allowed to have sex with animals, but the animals must be female. Having sexual relations with a male animal is punishable by death. (Well naturally, that's disgusting! The sex of the animal makes all the difference in the world....<rolling eyes!)
In Bahrain, a male doctor may legally examine a woman's genitals, but is forbidden from looking directly at them during the examination. He may only see their reflection in a mirror. (Mirror, mirror on the wall.....)
Muslims are banned from looking at the genitals of a corpse. This also applies to undertakers; the sex organs of the deceased must be covered with a brick or piece of wood at all times. (Why would you want to look at the genitals of a corpse, anyway?!!?)
The penalty for masturbation in Indonesia is decapitation. (My mother had a similar rule when I was growing up....)
There are men in Guam whose full-time job is to travel the countryside and deflower young virgins, who pay them for the privilege of having sex for the first time. Reason: under Guam law, it is expressly forbidden for virgins to marry. (Now let's just think for a minute...Is there any
job anywhere else in the world that even comes close to this?)
In Hong Kong, a betrayed wife is legally allowed to kill her adulterous
husband, but may only do so with her bare hands. (The husband's lover, on the other hand, may be killed in any manner desired.) This explains Hillary Clinton's plan to move to Hong Kong right after the impeachment
Topless saleswomen are legal in Liverpool, England - but only in tropical fish stores. (Of course!!)
In Cali, Columbia, a woman may only have sex with her husband, and the first time this happens her mother must be in the room to witness the act. (Talk about killing the mood!)
In Santa Cruz, Bolivia it is illegal for a man to have sex with a woman
and her daughter at the same time. (...presume this was a big enough problem that they had to pass this law?)
In Maryland, it is illegal to sell condoms from vending
machines with one exception: prophylactics may be dispensed from a vending
machine only "in places where alcoholic beverages are sold for consumption
on the premises." (gotta love the good 'ole USA!)
=-=-=-=-=-=-=-==-=-=-=-=-
Q. What did the sign on the door of the whorehouse say? A. Beat it - we're
closed.
A. Incontinence Hotline ... Q. Can you hold, please?
Q. Why is air a lot like sex? A. Because it's no big deal unless you're not getting any.
Q. If there is H20 on the inside of a fire hydrant, what is on the outside? A. K9P Q. What are three words you dread the most while making love? A: "Honey, I'm home."
Q: What's the difference between a Catholic wife and a Jewish wife? A: A Catholic wife has real orgasms and fake jewelry.
Q: Do you know why women fake orgasm? A: Because men fake foreplay.
Q: A woman of 35 thinks of having children. What does a man of 35 think of? A: Dating children.
Q: What's the difference between a G-Spot and a golfball? A: A guy will actually search for a golfball.
Q: What did one gay sperm say to another? A: How do we find an egg in all of this shit?
Q: What did the elephant say to the naked man? A: It's cute but can you pick up peanuts with it?
Q. Why is a laundromat a terrible place to pick up women? A. Because a woman who can't even afford a washer and dryer will never be able to support you.
Q. Did you know scientists have discovered a food that diminishes a woman's sex drive by 97%? A. It's called wedding cake.
Q. Why are monogamy and bigamy alike? A. In both cases you have one wife too many.-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=
=-
Subject: Right vs. right
Date: Fri, 16 Oct 1998 00:15:38 +0000
From: Magic Mike B <mmb
Organization: http://funandmagic.com/
To: Magic Mike Mailout bcc's <mmb
This was forwarded to me from a musician friend. I think it makes a good
point. Please consider and copy, paste and add it* to e-mails to others if you agree: ***********************************************
Michael Moore Newsletter #11 October, 8, 1998
Dear Friends... Ok, I've had it. The right wing is trying to overturn a national election because... they didn't like the results! This must be stopped. I would like to propose a legal act of civil disobedience that could send the Right into near oblivion.
I am not a member of the Democratic Party. To me, they are a barely-tolerable version of the Republicans. I did not vote for Clinton in 1996. I had voted for him in '92, but could not in good conscience vote for him again (NAFTA, welfare, etc.). We had the lowest turnout ever in 1996, but the majority who could stomach that pathetic choice on the ballot went and voted for Bill Clinton. That was the will of the people. And that is the will the Republicans are trying to subvert.
All the public opinion polls -- New York Times, Wall Street Journal, CNN have said the same thing over and over: The American public does NOT want impeachment. Yet, Congress has decided to tell the public to take a flying $#& and has moved ahead with the impeachment process anyway. This is their fatal mistake and it will be their undoing.
I have never seen the American public so fed up and disgusted that they are ready to do anything now to stop this madness. I wish our members of Congress had listened to the polls. But they haven't. So, now we have to make them listen to the other polls, the only ones they understand -- the polls that are filled with voting booths on November 3. The act of civil disobedience I am calling for is for each and every American to go to the polls on November 3 and vote for the Democratic candidate for Congress on your ballot. That's right, my fellow cynics and progressives-- the only way to send a true message to the right wing is to throw every Republican out of office. I'm talking about a backlash the likes of which American politics has never seen. If you think this is something that can't happen, I need only point to the national election In Canada in 1993 when the voters threw all but two members of the Conservative Party out of Parliament. In 1995, in Great Britain, the people of Scotland and Wales removed every single member of the Torries from Parliament -- that's right, EVERY SINGLE ONE.
Now it's our turn in America. Each of us must do all that we can to get our fellow citizens out to vote on November 3. The Republicans are hoping and praying that the turnout will be low, figuring that the public, especially those who had voted for and trusted Clinton, is so burned out on politicians and politics that they are just going to stay home. They know, though, that their own diehard conservative supporters WILL be at the polls, come hell or high water. I realize a lot of you have had it and probably want to turn your back on the whole damn thing. I don't blame you.
But if we don't vote, we're essentially placing our democracy in the hands of some greedy, stupid people and we will surely suffer the consequences of this for years to come.
Yes, most of the Democrats suck. I rarely vote for the sorry, wishy-washy losers. But this election is not about how I feel about them -- it's about US using THEM to whack the right wing for good. Imagine if the Democrats are voted in by overwhelming numbers (when all the pundits are predicting a Republican landslide). The message would be loud and clear to all these new Democrats -- THE AMERICAN PUBLIC WANTS THE AGENDA OF THE CHRISTIAN RIGHT REMOVED FROM THE HALLS OF OUR UNITED STATES CONGRESS!
Yes, we would then have to stay on these Democrats to make sure they behave and vote the way we want them to. But that's a whole lot better than allowing individuals to stay in office who want to subvert the will of the American people because they would actually prefer a theocracy over a democracy. I wish we had more than two political parties and I will continue to work toward that goal. Two parties cannot represent the broad spectrum of political thought in a country of 270 million people.
But that is not the mission before us. If you want to stop this witch hunt,if you want Congress to start focusing on the REAL problems facing the country and the world, then the ONLY way this nonsense is going to stop isto throw the bums out. Find out who the Democrat is who is running in your district:
http://www.democrats.org/action/, and then call up his/her headquarters andvolunteer to help turn out the vote. If you aren't registered, there is still time to do so in 22 of the 50 states: http://www.netvote98.mci.com, though the deadline for many of them is tomorrow (Friday, October 9).
Then get out and vote November 3. Hold your nose if you have to. This is a one-issue election and if you want the impeachment stopped -- and I assure you, you have the power to stop it at 8:01 PM that evening of November 3--you must remove the Republicans in your districts.
I can think of a lot of reasons why Clinton should not be President. Staining a blue dress from The Gap is not one of them. Enough is enough.Subject: More on Clinton/Starr
Date: Thu, 15 Oct 1998 23:16:12 +0000
From: Magic Mike B <mmb
Organization: http://funandmagic.com/
To: Magic Mike Mailout bcc's <mmb
By Prof. Susannah Heschel:
Americans are facing an attempted coup d'etat by the Christian Right.
While most of our attention is focused on the alleged crimes of President Clinton, we are ignoring the highly troubling, perhaps illegal, and certainly immoral acts of Kenneth W. Starr. Particularly disturbing is the collusion of some American Jews with Starr's right-wing Christianity, ignoring the very different values and teachings of our own Judaism.
First and most important, the Talmud teaches us that humiliating a human being in public is tantamount to murder. That teaching is part of a much broader Jewish warning to guard the tongue from speaking evil words. Seen in Talmudic perspective, the Starr Report, with its salacious and often irrelevant summary of Monica Lewinsky's testimony, constitutes assassination.
For the members of the U.S. Congress to make public a Report that humiliates the President, his wife, and his daughter makes them partners in this assassination. Malicious innuendo has circulated about President Clinton for years, by Starr's office and by his cohorts on the Christian Right. We have all heard of Whitewater and assumed it was a scandal involving financial fraud, just as we heard about Travelgate, rumors that Vincent Foster was murdered, and a host of other alleged crimes - not one of which was ever found to have enough substance to be brought to trial or even mentioned in the Starr Report. But through the years, President Clinton's reputation has been sullied, so that his relationship with Monica Lewinsky is now perceived as a culminating scandal piled high onto so many others, rather than as the very first scandal ever to have substance.
To put this in perspective, think of the reaction to the news of Senator Edward Kennedy's actions off Chappaquidick - the woman in his car died, without any effort on his part to save her, yet he remains to this day in the Senate. The Kennedy reputation was too highly esteemed in this country to force him from office or even put him on trial, whereas Clinton's reputation has been deliberately eroded through years of slander. This is precisely what Judaism forbids. As curious and sometimes titillated onlookers, we bear responsibility, too, for this sinful gossip.
Second, Starr and many members of Congress have condemned President Clinton's efforts at self-defense as legal hair-splitting, as if that were beneath contempt. Yet unlike Starr's Christianity, our religion,
Judaism, rests on a system of law that demands and exalts hair- splitting, juridical due process, and minute precision in its judicial decision-making. I am not ashamed of hair-splitting, despite the mockery and contempt in which it has been held for centuries by Christians. Exactitude is the most important feature of Jewish law, and without it there can be no justice, and without justice, there can be no society. Even non-Jews are required to have a proper legal system.
Third, I am shocked by Jewish leaders, such as Senate Joseph Lieberman and Rabbi Ismar Schorsch, rushing to condemn President Clinton, since not a peep was heard from those same Jewish leaders concerning Israeli Prime Minister Netanyahu's admitted confession to adultery. When was Netanyahu ever condemned as unfit to hold office because of his affairs? President Clinton has been one of the best friends Israel and the Jewish people have had in the presidency; what kind of integrity do we have, if we abandon our friend when powerful people are trying to assassinate him?
Finally, how can we as Jews jump on a moral high horse and condemn President Clinton's behavior as immoral, when we exalt King David? Clearly, David's affair with Batsheva was far more insidious - David had Batsheva's husband, Uriah, murdered. While David was condemned, punished, and repented, he was never thrown off the throne of Israel.
On the contrary, he is exalted in our Jewish memory as the unifier of Israel, the builder of Jerusalem, the author of our psalms, the ancestor of the messiah. His wicked deed of murder was placed in perspective and the entirety of his life was judged, without condemning him on the basis of one sin, as outrageous as it was.
We as Jews have to beware that we are not seduced by Christian values, but remain loyal to our very different Jewish principles.
Prof. Susannah Heschel Department of Religion Dartmouth College 6036 Thornton Hall Hanover, NH 03755-3592 (603) 646-2386 Fax: (603) 646-169Subject: Eclipse, Cowboy Dung, Computer tips, Teacher jokes
Date: Wed, 14 Oct 1998 09:18:35 +0000
From: Magic Mike B <mmb
Organization: http://funandmagic.com/
To: "Magic Mike Mailout bcc's" <mmb
-Impeach Ken Starr!
Hi,
Today see an eclipse of the sun at http://funandmagic.com/photolinks2.htmHere's something fun, The cover notes from the new lost future classic
album from Cowboy Dung. http://www.geocities.com/SoHo/Lofts/8854/cowboydung.htm
Who wants a computer tip? I do! I do! Sometimes if your
computer glitches, it will add things to your dial up networking. Double
click on My computer, open Dial Up Networking. Right click on your dial
up icon, choose properties, then server type. For most ISP's only TCP/IP
should be checked. Also, you SHOULD have your server's DNS numbers. Sometimes
Windows chucks them out. Find them on your servers tech page. All servers
have a home page. Want to silence your modem? Same place, except hit configure
instead of server type. Then hit connection. Then advanced. Under Extra
settings, to turn off modem sound, type in ATM0L0. (That's A-T-M-zero-L-
zero).
Have a magic day and pass it on.
Magic Mike
parlor.htm
TEACHER: How old were you on your last birthday?
STUDENT: Seven.
TEACHER: How old will you be on your next birthday?
STUDENT: Nine.
TEACHER: That's impossible.
STUDENT: No, it isn't, Teacher. I'm eight today.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
TEACHER: George, go to the map and find North America.
GEORGE: Here it is!
TEACHER: Correct. Now, class, who discovered America?
CLASS: George!
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
TEACHER: Willy, name one important thing we have today that we didn't have
ten years ago.
WILLY: Me!
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
TEACHER: Tommy, why do you always get so dirty?
TOMMY: Well, I'm a lot closer to the ground then you are.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
TEACHER: Why are you late?
WEBSTER: Because of the sign.
TEACHER: What sign?
WEBSTER: The one that says, "School Ahead, Go Slow."
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
MOTHER: Why did you get such a low mark on that test?
JUNIOR: Because of absence.
MOTHER: You mean you were absent on the day of the test?
JUNIOR: No, but the kid who sits next to me was.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
SILVIA: Dad, can you write in the dark?
FATHER: I think so. What do you want me to write?
SYLVIA: Your name on this report card.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
TEACHER: Well, at least there's one thing I can say about your son.
FATHER: What's that?
TEACHER: With grades like these, he couldn't be cheating.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
TEACHER: In this box, I have a 10-foot snake.
SAMMY: You can't fool me, Teacher... snakes don't have feet.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
HYGIENE TEACHER: How can you prevent deseases caused by biting insects?JOSE: Don't bite any.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
TEACHER: Ellen, give me a sentence starting with "I".
ELLEN: I is...
TEACHER: No, Ellen. Always say, "I am."
ELLEN: All right... "I am the ninth letter of the alphabet."~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
TEACHER: Max, use "defeat," "defense," and "detail"
in a sentence.
MAX: The rabbit cut across the field, and defeat went over defense before
detail.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
MOTHER: Why on earth did you swallow the money I gave you? JUNIOR : You
said it was my lunch money.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
TEACHER: If you received $10 from 10 people, what would you get? SASHA:
A new bike. ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
TEACHER: If you had one dollar and you asked your father for another, how
many dollars would you have?
VINCENT: One dollar.
TEACHER(sadly): You don't know your arithmetic.
VINCENT(sadly): You don't know my father.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
TEACHER: If I had seven oranges in one hand and eight oranges in the other,
what would I have? CLASS COMEDIAN: Big hands!
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
BOY: Isn't the principal a dummy!
GIRL: Say, do you know who I am?
BOY: No.
GIRL: I'm the principal's daughter.
BOY: And do you know who I am?
GIRL: No.
BOY: Thank goodness!
Date: Tue, 13 Oct 1998 09:33:09 +0000From: Magic Mike B <mmb
Organization: http://funandmagic.com/
To: "Magic Mike Mailout bcc's" <mmb
Hi,
NO, I didn't send one yesterday. I never got around to it. You know, I
can't find them anyone. A round tuit. I saw them in one place, they had
a bag of them. I went back and they were gone. I keep asking when they
are going to order more, but they always say, "When we get a round
tuit."
Today we are in the center of The Dumbbell Nebula, and talking to a Cheshire Cat! See them at http://funandmagic.com/photolinks2.htm
for those that don't know how, ASK!!
When you go to defrag and Windows says that you only have 4% fragmentation
and that you don't need to defrag now, DON'T YOU BELIEVE IT. Even 2% fragmentation
can affect system performance and anything above 5% will have a definite
affect. Think...4% of 2 GB (2048 mb)=81.92 MEGAbytes (More than an ENTIRE
PC/XT hard drive(20-30 meg) of 6 or 7 years ago.) AND... Know that most
of that fragmentation is going to be in files and programs that you use
the most. So your harddrive is going to be thrashing around the whole disk
just to load the stuff that you normally use. Do yourself and your system
a favor, run Scandisk and Defrag on a regular basis and don't go over 2%
fragmentation. Also.. Check your fragmentation after coming off of the
internet. Bet you its Of course, always use scandisk before defrag. You
should feel free to even defrag every other night! And you may defrag between
0% and 1%! 1% is STILL a lot. I try to never get to 4%. Have you ever gotten
an error defragging, telling you to run scandisk first, which you already
have! Then, use the advanced part of defrag.Split it up. First defrag only
fragmented files. Then defrag unused space. Then do it again with files
and space. ALSO, ALWAYS use theTHOROUGH scandesk setting.
Also, MAGIC MIKE'S TIP! When downloading a big file, after choosing the directory, click okay then cancel and reload. The second or third download is always MUCH faster!
Have a magic day and pass it into the end zone!
Magic Mike
San Francisco Math Quiz
.- - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - -
----
1. Zelda and Jane were given a rottweiler at their commitment ceremony. If their dog needs to be walked two miles a day and they walk at a rate of 3/4 mile per hour, how much time will they spend discussing their relationship in public?
2. Michael has two abusive stepfathers and an alcoholic mother. If his self-esteem is reduced by 20% per dysfunctional parent, but Michael feels 3% better for every person he denigrates, how long will it take before he's ready to go home if 1 person walks by the cafe every 2 minutes?
3. Sanjeev has 7 piercings. If the likelihood of getting cellulitis on any given day is 10% per piercing, what is the likelihood Sanjeev will need to renew his erythromycin prescription during the next week?
4. Chad wants to take half a pound of pot to Orinda and sell it at a 20% profit. If it originally cost him $1,500 in food stamps, how much should Nicole write the check for?
5. The City and County of San Francisco decide to destroy 50 rats infesting downtown. If 9,800 animal rights activists hold a candlelight vigil, how many people did each dead rat empower?
6. A red sock, a yellow sock, a blue sock, and a white sock are tossed randomly in a drawer. What is the likelihood that the first two socks drawn will be socks of color?
7. George weighs 245 pounds and drinks two triple lattes every morning. If each shot of espresso contains 490mg of caffeine, what is George's average caffeine density in mg/pound?
8. There are 4500 homes in Mill Valley and all of them recycle plastic. If each household recycles 10 soda bottles a day and buys one polar fleece pullover per month, does Mill Valley have a monthly plastic surplus or deficit? Bonus question: Assuming all the plastic bottles are 1 liter size, how much Evian are they drinking?
9. If the average person can eat one pork pot sticker in 30 seconds, and the waitress brings a platter of 12 pot stickers, how long will it take five vegans to not eat them?
10. Todd begins walking down Market Street with 12 $1 bills in his wallet. If he always gives panhandlers a single buck, how many legs did he have to step over if he has $3 left when he reaches the other end and met only one double-amputee?
Advanced Placement Students Only:
11. Katie, Trip, Ling, John-John and Effie share a three-bedroom apartment on Guerrero for $2400 a month. Effie and Trip can share one bedroom, but the other three need their own rooms with separate ISDN lines to run their web servers. None of them wants to use the futon in the living room as a bed, and they each want to save $650 in three months to attend Burning Man. What is their best option:
a. All five roommates accept a $12/hour job-share as handgun monitors at Mission High.
b. Ask Miles, the bisexual auto mechanic, to share Effie and Trip's bedroom for $500/month.
c. Petition the Board of Supervisors to advance Ling her annual digital-artists-of-color stipend. d. Rent strike
THINGS TO PONDER:1. Why do banks charge you a "non-sufficient funds fee" on money they already know you don't have? 2. Why do you press harder on a remote control when you know the battery is dead? 3. Since light travels faster than sound, isn't that why some people appear bright until you hear them speak? 4. If it's zero degrees outside today and it's supposed to be twice as cold tomorrow, how cold is it going to be? 5. Isn't Disney World a people trap operated by a mouse? 6. Why are they called buildings, when they're already finished? Shouldn't they be called builts? 7. Why is the alphabet in that order? 8. If the universe is everything, and scientists say that the universe is expanding, what is it expanding into? 9. If you got into a taxi and the driver started driving backward, would the taxi driver end up owing you money? (I've tried it, it doesn't work) 10. Why is a carrot more orange than an orange? 11. Why are there 5 syllables in the word "monosyllabic"? 12. Why do scientists call it research when looking for something new? 13. If vegetarians eat vegetables, what do humanitarians eat? 14. When I erase a word with a pencil, where does it go? 15. Why is it, when a door is open it's ajar, but when a jar is open, it's not a door? 16. Why do we put suits in a garment bag and put garments in a suitcase?
Subject: Smile, Smile, Smile, A Train, Every Little Star, Then He Kissed Me
Date: Sun, 11 Oct 1998 13:15:10 +0000
From: Magic Mike B <mmb
Organization: http://funandmagic.com/
To: "Magic Mike Mailout bcc's" <mmb
Hi,
Here's an oldie. Fliers around
The Blue Snowball Nebula. Speaking of oldies, go to The Wanderer. A
great oldies site with a juke box of full-length original hits from the
30's 40's, 50's, & 60's. Hear Big Bands, DO HEAR Benny Goodman's full
9 minute Smile, Smile, Smile in streaming audio. Take Ellington doing Take
The A Train, Doo Wop, Malt Shop, and Pizza Parlor tunes from the 50's.
Also a streaming audio oldies radio show. There's a lot on the page so
let it all download. Each page has music. Pause it on the audio midi control
before hitting a jukebox tune or you'll hear two at once. NOW ALL THE FUN
is on the 2nd page which is hard to find. Look for a little grey bar near
the bottom of the 1st page that says Wanderer's Oldies Music Menu. LET
THE PAGE LOAD ALL THE WAY. There is a different jukebox in every room with
a different theme of tunes http://www.wanderers.com/wanderer/Have a magic day. Pass it on.
Magic Mike Dad: Son, come in here, we need to talk.
Son: What's up, Dad?
Dad: There's a scratch down the side of the car. Did you do it?
Son: I don't believe, if I understand the definition of "scratch the car," that I can say, truthfully, that I scratched the car.
Dad: Well, it wasn't there yesterday, and you drove the car last night, and no one else has driven it since. How can you explain the scratch?
Son: Well, as I've said before, I have no recollection of scratching the car. While it is true that I did take the car out last night, I did not scratch it.
Dad: But your sister told me she saw you back the car against the mailbox at the end of the driveway, heard a loud scraping sound, saw you get out to examine the car, and then drive away. So again I'll ask you, yes or no, did you scratch the car?
Son: Oh, you mean you think you have evidence to prove that I scratched it. Well, you see, I understood you to mean did "I" scratch the car. I stand by my earlier statement, that I did not scratch the car.
Dad: Are you trying to tell me you didn't drive the car into the mailbox?
Son: Well, you see sir, I was trying to drive the car into the street. I mishandled the steering of the car, and it resulted in direct contact with the mailbox, though that was clearly not my intent.
Dad: So you are saying that you did hit the mailbox?
Son: No sir, that's not my statement. I'll refer you back to my original statement that I did not scratch the car.
Dad: But the car did hit the mailbox, and the car did get scratched as a result of the contact?
Son: Well, yes, I suppose you could categorize it that way.
Dad: So you lied to me when you said you did not scratch the car?
Son: No. No, that is not correct. Your question was "Did
I scratch the car?" From a strict legal definition, as I understood
the meaning of that sentence, I did not scratch the car... the mailbox
did... I was merely present when the scratching occurred. So my answer
of "No" when you asked "Did I scratch the car" was
legally correct, although I did not volunteer information. -=-=-=-=-=-=-=-
-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=---=-=
-==--Subject: quote of the year candidate
"Public media should not contain explicit or implied descriptions of sex acts. Our society should be purged of the perverts who provide the media with pornographic material while pretending it has some redeeming social value under the public's 'right to know'."
-- Kenneth Starr, 1987, _Sixty Minutes_ interview with Diane Sawyer
Subject: Never accept a drink from a urologist.
Date: Sat, 10 Oct 1998 10:16:48 +0000
From: Magic Mike B <mmb
Organization: http://funandmagic.com/
To: "Magic Mike Mailout bcc's" <mmb
"Paper or plastic?" the grocery bagger asked. "Either, I'm bisacksual."
Hi,
Today is Destiny... by
John Waterhouse, and The Silver
Goblet by Chardin. Destiny is a deep subject. Tibetans say we meet
the people we are supposed to meet, and have met, or will meet.
Have a magic day and pass it around, but don't pass it up.
Magic Mike http://funandmagic.com/
Laws
"The Law of Volunteering" If you dance with a grizzly bear,
you had better let him lead.
"The Law of Avoiding Oversell" When putting cheese in a mousetrap, always leave room for the mouse.
"The Law of Common Sense" Never accept a drink from a urologist.
"The Law of Reality" Never get into fights with ugly people, they have nothing to lose.
"The Law of Self Sacrifice When you starve with a tiger, the tiger starves last.
"The Law of Motivation" Creativity is great, but plagiarism is faster.
"Boob's Law" You always find something in the last place you look.
"Weiler's Law" Nothing is impossible for the man who doesn't have to do it himself.
"Law of Probable Dispersal" Whatever hits the fan will not be evenly distributed.
"Law of Volunteer Labor" People are always available for work in the past tense.
"Conway's Law" In any organization there is one person who knows what is going on. That person must be fired.
"Iron Law of Distribution" Them that has, gets.
"Law of Cybernetic Entomology" There is always one more bug.
"Law of Drunkedness" You can't fall off the floor.
"Heller's Law" The first myth of management is that it exists.
"Osborne's Law" Variables won't; constants aren't.
"Main's Law" For every action there is an equal and opposite government program.
"Weinberg's Second Law" If builders built buildings the way programmers wrote programs, then the first woodpecker that came along would have destroyed civilization.
"Meyer's Law" Never see people with frog looking stares. They just may be photos that are proped by the stairs....Exit stage left
Read Rules Before Continuing
Please don't talk to my breasts. You won't be meeting them.
My sexual preference is NO.
It's not the size that counts, it's....no, wait, size does count.
My body is a temple, now get on your knees and pray.
Remember you horny piece of dirt, girls are made of sugar, spice, and everything nice.
If you want to control someone, sleep with your remote. -==-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=
-=-=-=-=-=-=-=
--=
Little Red Riding Hood is skipping down the road when she sees the Big
Bad Wolf crouched down behind a log. "My what big eyes you have, Mr
Wolf", says Little Red Riding Hood.
The wolf jumps up and runs away!!
Further down the road Little Red Riding Hood sees the wolf again. This time he is crouched behind a tree stump. "My what big ears you have Mr Wolf", says Little Red Riding Hood.
Again the wolf jumps up and runs away.
About 2 miles down the track Little Red Riding Hood sees the wolf again, this time crouched down behind a road sign. "My what big teeth you have Mr Wolf", taunts Little Red Riding Hood.
With that the Big Bad Wolf jumps up and screams..."Will you f*ck off, I'm trying to take a shit". =-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=
-=-=-=-=-=--=-=Early one morning, a mother went in to wake up her son. "Wake up, son. It's time to go to school!"
"But why, Mom? I don't want to go."
"Give me two reasons why you don't want to go."
"Well, the kids hate me for one, and the teachers hate me, too!"
"Oh, that's no reason not to go to school. Come on now and get ready."
"Give me two reasons why I should go to school."
"Well, for one, you're 52 years old. And for another, you're the Principal!"-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=
-=-=-=-=-=-=-=
-=-=-=-=-=-=-An old man woke up in the middle of the night and found, to his utter astonishment,
that his pecker was as hard as a rock for the first time in two years.
He shook his wife by the shoulder until she woke up and showed her his
enormous boner. "You see that thing, woman?" he happily exclaimed.
"What do you think we ought to do with it?" With one eye open,
his wife replied, "Well, now that you've got all the wrinkles out,
this might be a good time to wash it."
-=-==-=-=-=-==-=-=--===-=-=-=-=-=--=
An attorney was sitting in his office late one night, when the Devil appeared
before him. The Devil told the lawyer,
"I have a proposition for you. You can win every case you try, for the rest of your life. Your clients will adore you, your colleagues will stand in awe of you, and you will make embarrassing sums of money.
All I want in exchange is your soul, your wife's soul, your children's souls, the souls of your parents, grandparents, and parents-in-law, and the souls of all of your friends and law partners."
The lawyer thought about this for a moment, then asked,
"So, what's the catch?"-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=
-=-=-=-====-=-=-=-=-
"A teacher forwarded this list of comments from test papers, essays,
etc., submitted to science and health teachers by elementary, junior high,
high school, and college students. As she noted, "It is truly astonishing
what weird science our young scholars can create under the pressures of
time and grades."
"The body consists of three parts - the branium, the borax, and the abominable cavity. The branium contains the brain, the borax contains the heart and lungs, and the abominable cavity contains the bowels, of which there are five - a, e, i, o, and u."
"Nitrogen is not found in Ireland because it is not found in a free state."
"To collect fumes of sulphur, hold a deacon over a flame in a test tube."
"When you smell an oderless gas, it is probably carbon monoxide." "Water is composed of two gins, Oxygin and Hydrogin. Oxygin is pure gin.
Hydrogin is gin and water."
"Three kinds of blood vessels are arteries, vanes and caterpillars."
"Blood flows down one leg and up the other."
"Respiration is composed of two acts, first inspiration, and then expectoration."
"The moon is a planet just like the earth, only it is even deader."
"Artifical insemination is when the farmer does it to the cow instead of the bull."
"Dew is formed on leaves when the sun shines down on them and makes them perspire."
"A super saturated solution is one that holds more than it can hold."
"Mushrooms always grow in damp places and so they look like umbrellas."
"The pistol of a flower is its only protections agenst insects."
"The skeleton is what is left after the insides have been taken out and the outsides have been taken off. The purpose of the skeleton is something to hitch meat to. "
"A permanent set of teeth consists of eight canines, eight cuspids, two molars, and eight cuspidors."
"The tides are a fight between the Earth and moon. All water tends towards the moon, because there is no water in the moon, and nature abhors a vacuum. I forget where the sun joins in this fight."
"A fossil is an extinct animal. The older it is, the more extinct it is."
"Equator: A managerie lion running around the Earth through Africa."
"Germinate: To become a naturalized German."
"Liter: A nest of young puppies."
"Magnet: Something you find crawling all over a dead cat."
Momentum: What you give a person when they are going away."
"Planet: A body of Earth surrounded by sky."
"Rhubarb: A kind of celery gone bloodshot."
"Vacuum: A large, empty space where the pope lives."
"Before giving a blood transfusion, find out if the blood is affirmative or negative."
"To remove dust from the eye, pull the eye down over the nose."
"For a nosebleed: Put the nose much lower then the body until the heart stops."
"For dog bite: put the dog away for several days. If he has not recovered, then kill it."
"For head cold: use an agonizer to spray the nose until it drops in your throat."
"To keep milk from turning sour: Keep it in the cow."
"For fainting: Rub the person's chest, or, if a lady, rub her arm above the hand instead. Or put the head between the knees of the nearest medical doctor."
"To prevent contraception, use a condominium."
Subject: Sargent, M27, Support Services From Hell Date:Fri, 09 Oct 1998 09:04:40 +0000
From: Magic Mike B <mmb
Organization: http://funandmagic.com/
To: "Magic Mike Mailout bcc's" <mmb
"It's good to have an end to journey to, but it's the journey that matters, in the end." -Ursula K. LeGuin, author, quote seen on CNN, 13 Feb, 1998
Hi,Today we have Claude Monet Painting at the Edge of a Wood 1887; John Singer Sargent,
and M27: Not A Comet! http://funandmagic.com/photolinks2.htmHave a magic day and forward this to everyone on the planet!
Magic Mike
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Support Services from Hell
=
-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=
-=-=-
Proper Care of Floppies: 1. Never leave diskettes in the disk drive, as
data can leak out of the disk and corrode the inner mechanics of the drive.
Diskettes should be rolled up and stored in pencil holders.
2. Diskettes should be cleaned and waxed once a week. Microscopic metal particles can be removed by waving a powerful magnet over the surface of the disk. Any stubborn metallic shavings can be removed with scouring powder and soap. When waxing diskettes, make sure application is even. This will allow the diskettes to spin faster, resulting in better access time.
3. Do not fold diskettes unless they do not fit in the drive. "Big" diskettes may be folded and used in "little" disk drives.
4. Never insert a disk into the drive upside down. The data can fall off the surface of the disk and jam the intricate mechanics of the drive.
5. Diskettes cannot be backed up by running them through the Xerox machine. If your data is going to need to be backed up, simply insert two diskettes together into the drive. Whenever you update a document, the data will be recorded on both diskettes.
6. Diskettes should not be inserted into or removed from the drive while the red light is flashing. Doing so could result in smeared or possibly unreadable text. Occasionally the red light continues to flash in what is known as a "hung" or "hooked" state. If your system is "hooking" you, you will probably need to insert a few coins before being allowed to access the disk drive.
7. If your diskette is full and you need more storage space, remove the disk from the drive and shake vigorously for two minutes. This will pack the data enough (Data Compression) to allow for more storage. Be sure to cover all the openings with scotch tape to prevent loss of data.
8. Data access time can be greatly improved by cutting more holes in the diskette jacket. This will provide more simultaneous access points to the disk.
9. Diskettes can be used as coasters for beverage glasses, provided they have been properly waxed beforehand. Be sure to wipe the diskettes dry before inserting into drive (see item #2 above.)
10. Never use scissors and glue to manually edit documents. The data stored is much too small to be seen with the naked eye, and you may end up with data from some other document stuck in the middle of your document. Razor blades and scotch tape may be used, provided the user is equipped with an electron microscope.
11. Periodically spray diskettes with insecticide to prevent system bugs from spreading.
12. And particularly, watch out for that Bobbit virus.
It will turn your harddrive into a 3.5" floppy... ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~Headline Goofs
=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-
* Grandmother of eight makes hole in one
* Deaf mute gets new hearing in killing
* Police begin campaign to run down jaywalkers
* House passes gas tax onto senate
* Stiff opposition expected to casketless funeral plan
* Two convicts evade noose, jury hung * William Kelly was fed secretary* Milk drinkers are turning to powder
* Safety experts say school bus passengers should be belted
* Quarter of a million Chinese live on water
* Farmer bill dies in house
* Iraqi head seeks arms
Some become unintentionally suggestive:
* Queen Mary having bottom scraped
* Is there a ring of debris around Uranus?
* Prostitutes appeal to Pope
* Panda mating fails - veterinarian takes over
* NJ judge to rule on nude beach
* Child's stool great for use in garden
* Dr. Ruth to talk about sex with newspaper editors
* Soviet virgin lands short of goal again
* Organ festival ends in smashing climax
Grammar often botches other headlines:
* Eye drops off shelf
* Squad helps dog bite victim
* Dealers will hear car talk at noon
* Enraged cow injures farmer with ax
* Lawmen from Mexico barbecue guests
* Miners refuse to work after death
* Two Soviet ships collide - one dies
* Two sisters reunite after eighteen years at checkout counter
Once in a while, a botched headline takes on a meaning opposite from the one intended:
* Never withhold herpes from loved one
* Nicaragua sets goal to wipe out literacy
* Drunk drivers paid $1,000 in 1984
* Autos killing 110 a day, let's resolve to do better
Sometimes newspaper editors state the obvious:
* If strike isn't settled quickly it may last a while* War dims hope for peace
* Smokers are productive, but death cuts efficiency
* Cold wave linked to temperatures
* Child's death ruins couple's holiday
* Blind woman gets new kidney from dad she hasn't seen in years
* Man is fatally slain
* Something went wrong in jet crash, experts say
* Death causes loneliness, feeling of isolation
=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=- WHAT WOMEN SAY & REALLY MEAN:
CAN'T WE JUST BE FRIENDS? There is no way in hell I'm going to let any part of your body touch any part of mine, again.
I JUST NEED SOME SPACE. ... without you in it.
DO I LOOK FAT IN THIS DRESS? We haven't had a fight in a while.
NO, PIZZA'S FINE. ... you cheap slob!
I JUST DON'T WANT A BOYFRIEND NOW. I just don't want you as a boyfriend now.
I DON'T KNOW, WHAT DO YOU WANT TO DO? I can't believe you have nothing planned.
COME HERE. My puppy does this, too.
I LIKE YOU, BUT... I don't like you.
OF COURSE I LOVE YOU. ... just not in that way.
YOU NEVER LISTEN. You never listen.
WE'RE MOVING TOO QUICKLY. I'm not going to sleep with you until I find out if this guy at the gym has a girlfriend.
I'LL BE READY IN A MINUTE. I'm ready, but I'm going to make you wait because I know you will.
OH, NO, I'LL PAY FOR MYSELF. I'm just being nice; there's no way I'm going dutch.
OH YES!!! RIGHT THERE!! Well, near there; I just want to get this over with.
I'M JUST GOING OUT WITH THE GIRLS. We're gonna get sloppy and make fun of you and your friends.
A WOMAN'S GUIDE TO WHAT A MAN IS REALLY SAYING:I'M HUNGRY. I'm hungry.
I'M SLEEPY. I'm sleepy.
I'M TIRED. I'm tired.
I'VE GOTTA PEE. Get out of the way.
I'VE GOTTA GO. Get out of the way and stay away until it clears.
CAN I CALL YOU SOMETIME? I'd eventually like to have sex with you.
DO YOU WANT TO GO TO A MOVIE? I'd eventually like to have sex with you.
CAN I TAKE YOU OUT TO DINNER? I'd eventually like to have sex with you.
CAN I GET YOUR COAT? I'd eventually like to have sex with you.
LET ME GET YOUR DOOR. I'd eventually like to have sex with you.
MAY I HAVE THIS DANCE? I'd eventually like to have sex with you.
NICE DRESS! Nice cleavage!
YOU LOOK TENSE, LET ME GIVE YOU A MASSAGE. I want to fondle you!
WHAT'S WRONG? I don't see why you're making such a big deal out of this.
WHAT'S WRONG? What meaningless self-inflicted psychological trauma are you going through now?
WHAT'S WRONG? I guess sex tonight is out of the question.
I'M BORED. Do you want to have sex?
I LOVE YOU. Can we have sex now?
I LOVE YOU, TOO. OK, I said it. We'd better have sex now!
GOOD MORNING. That was great sex. Let's have more!
SEE YOU LATER. That was great sex. Let's have more!
YES, I LIKE THE WAY YOU CUT YOUR HAIR. I liked it better before.
YES, I LIKE THE WAY YOU CUT YOUR HAIR. $50 and it doesn't look that much different!
YES, I LIKE THE WAY YOU CUT YOUR HAIR. For $50 they should have GIVEN YOU hair!
LET'S TALK, HONEY. I'm trying to impress you by showing you that I am a deep person, and maybe then you'd like to have sex with me.
WILL YOU MARRY ME? I want to make it illegal for you to have sex with other guys.
WILL YOU MARRY ME? I might as well get tax benefits for going through these talks.
A WOMAN'S GUIDE TO WHAT A MAN IS REALLY SAYING WHILE SHOPPING:YES, THAT ONE'S NICE. Why do you ask when you aren't going to listen anyway?
THAT ONE LOOKS GREAT ON YOU. Pick any freakin' dress and let's go home!
I LIKE THAT ONE BETTER. Pick any freakin' dress and let's go home!
UH-HUH. Pick any freakin' dress and let's go home!
Zzzzz Zzz Zzz Zzzzz . . . . . . . . Pick any freakin' dress and let's go home!
I DON'T THINK THAT BLOUSE AND THAT SKIRT GO WELL TOGETHER. I'm gay
IT MAKES YOU LOOK FAT. I'm really stupid! ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
§§§§
When I was 13, all I wanted was a girl.
When I was 14, all I wanted was a girl with large breasts.
When I was 16, I dated a girl with large breasts, but there was no passion. So I decided I needed a passionate girl with a zest for life.
In college, I dated a passionate girl, but she was too emotional. Everything was an emergency, she was a drama queen, she cried all the time and threatened suicide. So I decided I needed a girl with some stability.
I found a very stable girl, but she was boring. She was totally predictable and never got excited about anything. Life became so dull that I decided I needed a girl with some excitement.
I found an exciting girl, but I couldn't keep up with her. She rushed from one thing to another, never settling on anything. She did mad, impetuous things and flirted with everyone she met. She made me miserable as often as happy. She as great fun initially and very energetic, but directionless. So I decided to find a girl with some ambition.
After college, I found a smart, ambitious girl with her feet planted firmly on the ground and married her. She was so ambitious that she divorced me and took everything I owned.
Now all I want is a girl with big tits.Subject: Kiss, Moon, Star-crossed lovers
Date: Thu, 08 Oct 1998 17:20:01 +0000
From: Magic Mike B <mmb
Organization: http://funandmagic.com/
To: "Magic Mike Mailout bcc's" <mmb
Hi,
Today's art subject is Rodin. I think "The
Kiss" fits in well with today's story that was sent to me.
(Write me if you cry.)
Also, The
Dark Side Of The Moon. No, not Pink Floyd. The side of the moon we
don't see. Here's a desk sized photo from Apollo 16. http://funandmagic.com/photolinks2.htm By the way, I was one of the first people to play
the first Pink Floyd record on the radio, on my show at Penn State's WDFM-FM
in 1968. It was called Piper At The Gates Dawn. I was also throwing in
the first Grateful Dead, and The first Velvet Underground record with Lou
Reed. These in between The Dave Clark Five, The Monkees, Four Tops, and
Supremes. Sometimes I threw in Blues, and Jazz. I got in trouble for it.
It wasn't Top 40. A year later everyone was doing it. I am usually a year
or two ahead of most folks.
Have a magic day. Pass it on. Don't fold, spindle, or mutilate!
Magic Mike
http://funandmagic.com/
As I walked home one freezing day, I stumbled on a wallet someone had lost in the street. I picked it up and looked inside to find some identification so I could call the owner. But the wallet contained only three dollars and a crumpled letter that looked as if it had been in there for years.
The envelope was worn and the only thing that was legible on it was the return address. I started to open the letter, hoping to find some clue. Then I saw the dateline--1924. The letter had been written almost sixty years ago.
It was written in a beautiful feminine handwriting on powder blue stationery with a little flower in the left-hand corner. It was a "Dear John" letter that told the recipient, whose name appeared to be Michael, that the writer could not see him any more because her mother forbade it. Even so, she wrote that she would always love him. It was signed, Hannah.
It was a beautiful letter, but there was no way except for the name Michael, that the owner could be identified. Maybe if I called information, the operator could find a phone listing for the address on the envelope.
"Operator," I began, "this is an unusual request. I'm trying to find the owner of a wallet that I found. Is there anyway you can tell me if there is a phone number for an address that was on an envelope in the wallet?" She suggested I speak with her supervisor, who hesitated for a moment then said, "Well, there is a phone listing at that address, but I can't give you the number." She said, as a courtesy, she would call that number, explain my story and would ask them if they wanted her to connect me. I waited a few minutes and then she was back on the line. "I have a party who will speak with you."
I asked the woman on the other end of the line if she knew anyone by the name of Hannah. She gasped, "Oh! We bought this house from a family who had a daughter named Hannah. But that was 30 years ago!" "Would you know where that family could be located now?" I asked. "I remember that Hannah had to place her mother in a nursing home some years ago," the woman said. "Maybe if you got in touch with them they might be able to track down the daughter."
She gave me the name of the nursing home and I called the number. They told me the old lady had passed away some years ago but they did have a phone number for where they thought the daughter might be living. I thanked them and phoned. The woman who answered explained that Hannah herself was now living in a nursing home.
This whole thing was stupid, I thought to myself. Why was I making such a big deal over finding the owner of a wallet that had only three dollars and a letter that was almost 60 years old?
Nevertheless, I called the nursing home in which Hannah was supposed to be living and the man who answered the phone told me, "Yes, Hannah is staying with us. "
Even though it was already 10 p.m., I asked if I could come by to see her. "Well," he said hesitatingly, "if you want to take a chance, she might be in the day room watching television."
I thanked him and drove over to the nursing home. The night nurse and a guard greeted me at the door. We went up to the third floor of the large building. In the day room, the nurse introduced me to Hannah.
She was a sweet, silver-haired old timer with a warm smile and a twinkle in her eye. I told her about finding the wallet and showed her the letter. The second she saw the powder blue envelope with that little flower on the left, she took a deep breath and said, "Young man, this letter was the last contact I ever had with Michael."
She looked away for a moment deep in thought and then said Softly, "I loved him very much. But I was only 16 at the time and my mother felt I was too young. Oh, he was so handsome. He looked like Sean Connery, the actor."
"Yes," she continued. "Michael Goldstein was a wonderful person. If you should find him, tell him I think of him often. And," she hesitated for a moment, almost biting her lip, "tell him I still love him. You know," she said smiling as tears began to well up in her eyes, "I never did marry. I guess no one ever matched up to Michael..."
I thanked Hannah and said good-bye. I took the elevator to the first floor and as I stood by the door, the guard there asked, "Was the old lady able to help you?"
I told him she had given me a lead. "At least I have a last name. But I think I'll let it go for a while. I spent almost the whole day trying to find the owner of this wallet."
I had taken out the wallet, which was a simple brown leather case with red lacing on the side. When the guard saw it, he said, "Hey, wait a minute! That's Mr. Goldstein's wallet. I'd know it anywhere with that right red lacing. He's always losing that wallet. I must have found it in the halls at least three times."
"Who's Mr. Goldstein?" I asked as my hand began to shake.
"He's one of the old timers on the 8th floor. That's Mike Goldstein's wallet for sure. He must have lost it on one of his walks."
I thanked the guard and quickly ran back to the nurse's office. I told her what the guard had said. We went back to the elevator and got on. I prayed that Mr. Goldstein would be up.
On the eighth floor, the floor nurse said, "I think he's still in the day room. He likes to read at night. He's a darling old man."
We went to the only room that had any lights on and there was a man reading a book. The nurse went over to him and asked if he had lost his wallet. Mr. Goldstein looked up with surprise, put his hand in his back pocket and said, "Oh, it is missing!"
"This kind gentleman found a wallet and we wondered if it could be yours?"
I handed Mr. Goldstein the wallet and the second he saw it, he smiled with relief and said, "Yes, that's it! It must have dropped out of my pocket this afternoon. I want to give you a reward."
"No, thank you," I said. "But I have to tell you something. I read the letter in the hope of finding out who owned the wallet."
The smile on his face suddenly disappeared. "You read that letter?"
"Not only did I read it, I think I know where Hannah is."
He suddenly grew pale. "Hannah? You know where she is? How is she? Is she still as pretty as she was? Please, please tell me," he begged.
"She's fine...just as pretty as when you knew her." I said softly.
The old man smiled with anticipation and asked, "Could you tell me where she is? I want to call her tomorrow." He grabbed my hand and said, "You know something, mister, I was so in love with that girl that when that letter came, my life literally ended. I never married. I guess I've always loved her. "
"Mr. Goldstein," I said, "Come with me."
We took the elevator down to the third floor. The hallways were darkened and only one or two little night-lights lit our way to the day room where Hannah was sitting alone watching the television. The nurse walked over to her. "Hannah," she said softly, pointing to Michael, who was waiting with me in the doorway. "Do you know this man?"
She adjusted her glasses, looked for a moment, but didn't say a word. Michael said softly, almost in a whisper, "Hannah, it's Michael. Do you remember me?"
She gasped, "Michael! I don't believe it! Michael! It's you! My Michael!" He walked slowly towards her and they embraced. The nurse and I left with tears streaming down our faces.
"See," I said. "See how the Good Lord works! If it's meant to be, it will be."
About three weeks later I got a call at my office from the nursing home. "Can you break away on Sunday to attend a wedding? Michael and Hannah are going to tie the knot!"
It was a beautiful wedding with all the people at the nursing home dressed up to join in the celebration. Hannah wore a light beige dress and looked beautiful. Michael wore a dark blue suit and stood tall. They made me their best man.
The hospital gave them their own room and if you ever wanted to see a 76-year-old bride and a 79-year-old groom acting like two teenagers, you had to see this couple.
A perfect ending for a love affair that had lasted nearly 60 years.-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=
-=-=-==--=========-=======-=-=-=-=-=-=--Looking for a Needle in an Outfield
http://funandmagic.com/magicmikeneedleoutfield.htm
Subject: drive men crazy
Date: Wed, 07 Oct 1998 09:52:19 +0000
From: Magic Mike B <mmb
Organization: http://funandmagic.com/
To: "Magic Mike Mailout bcc's" <mmb
-Exercise is such a bad word, that, whenever I say it,I immediately wash out my mouth with chocolate!
Hi,
It's humpday, I-dont-want-to-go-to-work-today- day. Someone actually has
a site devoted to this.
Here's is one of their pages.
HAPPYHUMPDAYHAPPYHUMPDAYHAPPYHUMPDAYHAPPYHUMPDAYHAPPY
H H AAAAA PPPP PPPP Y Y H H A A P P P P Y Y HHHHHH AAAAA PPPP PPPP Y H H A A P P Y H H A A P P Y
H H U U M M PPPP DDDD AAAAA Y Y H H U U MM MM P P D D A A Y Y HHHHHH U U M M M PPPP D D AAAAA Y H H U U M M P D D A A Y H H UUUUUU M M P DDDD A A Y
HAPPYHUMPDAYHAPPYHUMPDAYHAPPYHUMPDAYHAPPYHUMPDAYHAPPY
This year when the little trick-or-treaters come rounddon't forget the parents that have to escort the youngsters.
Keep a bowl of candy for the kids
and a keg of beer and solo cups for the adults.
HAPPYHUMPDAYHAPPYHUMPDAYHAPPYHUMPDAYHAPPYHUMPDAYHAPPY
disclaimer: hump day is not merely a festival but a way of life.
distributed by the Hump Day Ad Council
HAPPYHUMPDAYHAPPYHUMPDAYHAPPYHUMPDAYHAPPYHUMPDAYHAPPY
Go see the Earth
looking down from the North Pole scanning for ocean plankton. http://funandmagic.com/photolinks2.htmHave a magic day and pass it on!
Magic Mike
parlor.htm
1. Take the batteries out of all the remotes in the house. (Hide them well.)
2. Organize his workshop, bedroom, or other special place.
3. Bribe his faithful dog away from him with a steady diet of Ring Dings. (What the hell are "Ring Dings?)
4. Shrink his underwear in the dryer and when he complains, innocently suggest that he's gained a few pounds.
5. Stare at his forehead and when he notices, casually ask if there is any history of male pattern baldness on his mother's side.
6. "Accidentally" fill the gas tank of his new Porsche with diesel.
7. Repeatedly misplace the cordless phone, preferably in a different room each time.
8. Repeatedly lose his cellular phone in restaurants around town.
9. Loan his precious cellular phone to a pregnant girlfriend who "needs it more than he does."
10. Insist upon a lot of "meaningful conversations."
11. If you live together, have your mother fly in for a month-long visit unannounced.
12. Reverse his contact lenses in their case.
13. Snip a small hole in his fishing waders, then follow him with a camera to capture his "sinking" on film.
14. Superglue the pages of his Little Black Book together.
15. Give the secret stash of dirty magazines that he thinks you don't know about to his younger brother, who he hates.
50 MORE1. Do not say what you mean. Ever.
2. Be ambigious. Always.
3. Cry. Cry often. Tell them it's their fault.
4. Bring things up that were said, done, or thought years, months, or
5. Make them apologize for everything.
6. Stash feminine products in their backpacks and in their books as cute reminders that you were thinking of them.(Tara, Meghan 9/95)
7. Gossip. Gossip about everything that walks.
8. Play Alanis Morissette's "You Outta Know," loud. Look at them Smile.
9. Look them in the eye and start laughing.
10. Cry.
11. Get mad at them for everything.
12. Discuss your period in front of them. Watch them squirm.
13. Hold grudges.
14. Demand to be e-mailed. Often. Whine when they don't comply.
15. When complimented, make sure to be paranoid. Take nothing at face value.
16. Use daddy as a weapon. Tell them about his gun collection, his quick trigger finger, and his affection for his "little princess."
17. Be late for everything. Yell if they're late.
18. Talk about your ex-boyfriend 24-7. Compare and contrast.
19. Go everywhere in groups, especially the bathroom. Do nothing alone. Independence is a sign of weakness.
20. Cry.
21. Make them guess what you want and then get mad when they're wrong.
22. Plan little relationship anniversaries, i.e. the monthly anniversary of the time you saw each other in the library...for five minutes. Then get mad at them forgetting. Then cry.
23. Fall for your FAC.
24. Gather many female friends and dance to "I Will Survive" while they are present. Sing all the words. Sing to them. Sing loud.
25. Correct their grammar.
26. Describe back-alley abortions. Then remind them of their mother or little sister.
27. Constantly claim you're fat. Ask them. Then cry, regardless of their answer.
28. Leave out the good parts in stories.
29. Make sure to only be interested in guys in the same friendship group. Make sure to cause trouble.
30. Make them wonder. Confusion is a good thing.
31. Cry.
32. Declare that you are not wacko.
33. Criticize the way they dress.
34. Criticize the music they listen to.
35. Criticize their hair.
36. Ignore them. When asked, "What's wrong?" tell them that if they don't know, you're not going to tell them.
37. Try to change them.
38. Try to mold them.
39. Try to get them to dance.
40. Pretend you're interested, lead them on, then feign ignorance when confronted.
41. When they screw up, never let them forget it.
42. Make them stay at religious services until they are close to fainting. Just because.
43. Blame everything on PMS.
44. Blame everything on PMS only after it has been blamed on them.
45. Whenever there is silence ask them, "What are you thinking?"
46. Get mad if they don't notice a haircut. Even if it's only a half inch.
47. Read into everything.
48. Over-analyze everything.
49. Cry.
50. Make it your goal to make them cry.
Subject: Mad Modigliani, Mid-East Peace, bunny farts, hole in the head
Date: Tue, 06 Oct 1998 18:26:16 +0000
From: Magic Mike B <mmb
Organization: funandmagic.com
To: "Magic Mike Mailout bcc's" <mmb
Hi,
Today's pic is another mad Frenchman from the early 1900's Paris gang.
Modigliani was heavily influenced by Cezanne, Picasso, and Toulouse-Lautrec.
Maybe too much by Too Loose. Like him, Modigliani died young from tuberculosis,
drink and drugs at the age of 35. Here is "Young
Redhead in an Evening Dress". http://funandmagic.com/photolinks2.htmHave a magic day and pass it on.
Magic Mike
http://funandmagic.com/
A man is walking along the beach when he trips over something in the sand. Upon examination, he sees that it's a genie's lamp. He eagerly rubs the lamp and out pops a genie who says, "I am the genie of the lamp. I have been trapped in this lamp for 1,000 years. For setting me free I will grant you one wish."
The man thought and thought. Finally, he pulled out a map and said, "It's been my goal in life to do something for mankind for which everyone else will remember me. You see this region here on the map? It's called the Middle East and it's a very violent region. I realize I could wish for a lot of money, or fame, but I'd like to use this wish for peace in the Middle East."
The genie looked disappointed. He said, "I'm sorry sir, but I can't grant that wish. The people of that region have been fighting for thousands of years. The wars go back many, many generations. The religious battles and opinions run rampant in that area. Boundary disputes are constantly occurring. Violence and hatred is too far ingrained into this part of the world for even one of my wishes to do any good. I'm sorry, but I just can't do that. Have you another wish?"
"Well," said the man. "If I can't do that for mankind, perhaps I can do this. I would like to understand how women work. What makes them laugh? What makes them cry? What affects their emotions? How do I make them happy? Why do they do the things they do? I wish I could fully understand women."
After a while, the genie replied: "Let me see that map again."
-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=
-=-=-=-
Why do mice have small balls?
Not that many know how to dance.
What do they say about sex with sheep?
It's best from the baaaaaaaaaaaaack!
What sound does a Horny Toad make?
RUB IT, RUB IT..
What do you call a virgin sheep in Montana?
Fast.
What do you call a sheep that does housework?
A threat to women everywhere.
Aberdeen, Scotland:
Where the men are men and the sheep are terrified.
Montana:
Where women are scarce and the sheep are frightened.
Montana:
Where men are men, and the sheep are dirty lying tramps.
What do you call a cat that has swallowed a duck?
A duck filled fatty puss.
What goes peck, peck, peck, boom?
A chicken in a mine field.
What did the man say when the steamroller ran over his
cat?
Nothing. He just stood there with a long puss.
What did the doe say as she came running out of the brush?That's the LAST time I do THAT for two bucks!
Why did elephants quit using sheep as tampons?
Toxic flock syndrome
How can you tell which end is which on a worm?
Put it in a bowl of flour and wait 'til it farts!
How do you teach a dog to fetch?
Tie a cat to a stick.
Why did the squirrel sleep on his stomach?
To keep his nuts warm
What is invisible and smells like carrots?
Bunny farts.
How do you tell the difference between a cow and a bull?
Milk them both. The one that smiles is the bull.
Chirpes! (A canareal disease, but it's untweetable.)
-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=
-=-=-=-=-=-=
Wings and Halo" A woman dies and goes to heaven. As St. Peter is processing her, she hears a woman screaming in pain. She looks in the room and sees them drilling holes in the woman's shoulders to fasten the wings. Then she hears a man screaming and sees them drilling holes in his head to fasten the halo. "I do not want to go to heaven", she tells St. Peter. "I'll go to the other place."
"You don't want to go there", he replies. "They rape and sodomize you down there"
"I don't care", she answers. "At least I already have holes for that."
Subject: Hokusai meets Toulouse-Lautrec.
Date: Mon, 05 Oct 1998 09:14:28 +0000
From: Magic Mike B <mmb
Organization: funandmagic.com
To: "Magic Mike Mailout bcc's" <mmb
Hi,
Here are a two goodies for Monday. A famous Japanese
woodblock, "The Great
Wave" by Hokusai, and "At
the Moulin-Rougue" by Toulouse-Lautrec.
http://funandmagic.com/photolinks2.htmHave a magic day and pass it on!
Magic Mike
http://funandmagic.com/A couple preparing for a religious conversion meets with the orthodox
rabbi for their final session. The rabbi asks if they have any final questions.
The man asks, "Is it true that men and women don't dance together?"
"Yes," says the rabbi,"For modesty reasons, men and women dance separately."
"So I can't dance with my own wife?"
"No."
"Well, what about sex?" asks the man.
"Fine," says the rabbi. "A mitzvah within the marriage!"
"What about different positions?" the man asks.
"No problem," says the rabbi.
"Woman on top?" the man asks.
"Why not?" replies the rabbi.
"How about doggie-style?"
"Of course!"
"Well, what about standing up?"
"NO!" says the rabbi....
"Why Not?" asks the man.
"Could lead to dancing!"
-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-
A news reporter that was interviewing Bill Clinton. The news reporter asked
"Mr. President did you know that today was Monica Lewinsky's Birthday?"
Clinton said "No how old is she?"
-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=
-=--==-
Consult the Wiseman
-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=
-
A town in Poland had only one cow and it stopped giving milk. The townspeople
did a little research and discovered they could get a cow from Moscow for
2000 rubles - or one from Minsk for only 1000 rubles. So, naturally, they
got the cow from Minsk. It was a great cow: had a wonderful disposition,
and gave lots of milk and lots of cream. Everybody loved it dearly.
The people decided they would mate the cow and get more cows like it, and then they would never have to worry about their milk supply again. So they got a bull and led the cow and the bull into the pasture. When the bull came in from the right to mount the cow, the cow moved to the left. When the bull moved in to mount the cow from the left, the cow moved to the right. This went on all day. Finally, in desperation, the people decided to go ask the rabbi what to do. After all he was very wise.
They told him the story. "Rabbi, we've tried all day to mate our cow. When the bull moves in from the right the cow moves left and when the bull moves in from the left the cow moves to the right. What do we do?" The Rabbi thought a moment and asked, "Did you buy this cow from Minsk?"
"Rabbi!" they replied as one, "You are so wise! We never said we bought the cow from Minsk. How did you know that?" The Rabbi said, sadly, "My wife is from Minsk."
Subject: Wisdom
Date: Sat, 03 Oct 1998 23:18:28 +0000
From: Magic Mike B <mmb
Organization: funandmagic.com
To: "Magic Mike Mailout bcc's" <mmb
Hi,
The most
famous footprint in the world is not on the world. It's on the Moon.
"It's one small step for a man, one giant leap for mankind."
Thank you, Neil Armstrong! 7/20/69 - Apollo 11, NASA. I think Neil hit
nailed the moment there! That's was very wise.
So today's Tibetan art subject is Manjushri,
- embodiment of wisdom. Buddha's other main man was Manjushri. He became
the embodiment of wisdom due to his realizations from The Buddha's teachings.
The flaming sword of wisdom, above his head cuts the thread of ignorance.
His hand has the thumb and forefinger forming a circle, portraying the
emptiness mudra of Dzogchen, seeing reality in it's pure state, and the
three outstretched fingers stand for the three times (past, present, and
future).
The lama from Seattle, that I met here the day I met
the Dalai Lama in 1979, is considered to be the emnanation of Manjushri.
He has lived in Seattle since 1961 and is the most accessible high lama
in the world. My friend Norman Durkee calls him The Henny Youngman of Tibet.
Dagchen Rinpoche is also one of the heads of The Sakya sect. In fact, his
last name IS Sakya. His family started the Sakyas, and it was one of his
relatives, Sakya Pandita, that taught Kublai Khan. Norman and I were watching
people at a Tibetan New Years party and someone went up to Dagchen Rinpoche
and said, "I'm SO Glad to see you today!". And Dagchen Rinpoche
said, "Well, tell me about YESTERDAY!".
See the pics at http://funandmagic.com/photolinks2.htmHave a magic day and pass it on!
Magic Mike
http://funandmagic.com/
A teacher was giving a lesson on the circulation of the
blood. Trying to make the matter clearer, he said: "Now, boys, if
I stood on my head the blood, as you know, would run into it, and I should
turn red in the face." "Yes, sir," the boys said.
"Then why is it that while I am standing upright in the ordinary position the blood doesn't run into my feet?" A little fellow shouted, "'Cause yer feet ain't empty."
Subject: Happy Birthday
Date: Fri, 02 Oct 1998 08:47:53 +0000
From: Magic Mike B <mmb
Organization: funandmagic.com
To: "Magic Mike Mailout bcc's" <mmb
Hi,
Happy 40th Birthday to NASA! Here's a great shot of the Shuttle
Discovery launch, June 1998. The National Aeronautics and Space Administration
officially began operations on October 1, 1958, absorbing its forerunner
organization the National Advisory Committee for Aeronautics, NACA. Its
landmark achievements in human spaceflight include the Mercury and Gemini
Projects culminating in the Apollo Project moon landings in the 1960s and
early 1970s, Apollo-Soyuz and Skylab in the 1970s, and the Space Shuttle
program of the 1980s and 1990s. (Pictured is the June 1998 launch of the
Space Shuttle Discovery.) NASA's science programs have produced the robotic
exploration of our Solar System, views of the Universe across the electromagnetic
spectrum, and valuable meteorological and remote-sensing Earth observations.
At birth, NASA's priorities were largely driven by the pressures and competitions
of the Cold War. But looking back over 40 years, the sum of its accomplishments
have produced needed new technologies and a vital new perspective on Planet
Earth and the Cosmos.
See it and the photo below today at http://funandmagic.com/photolinks2.htm 1000 armed
Chenrezi. Avalokiteshvara made a vow to help ALL beings until none
were unenlightened. He said to himself, if I don't do it, my head will
explode. He helped everyone. Then he looked back and saw all the new spirits
being born who would suffer, that he could not help, and his head exploded.
The Buddha emanation, Amitaba, was sorry, so he put him back together again,
and gave him 1000 arms so he
could help more beings. The practice of Buddhism, DOESN'T negate other
religions, except those of violence or sacrifices. Many Christians and
Jews practice Buddhism as a path of enlightened knowledge and techniques
while also practicing their religion.
Here is a very good description of Buddhism at http://www.silcom.com/~origin/sbcr/sbcr041Have a magic day and pass it on!
Magic Mike
http://funandmagic.com/
A professional treasure hunter was diving for pirate treasure in an ocean cove.
He searched for hours with no luck. Finally he headed for the shore.
When he was about knee deep in the water he tripped over an old strong box. He hauled it out and opened it... It was full of gold coins!
The Moral of the Story: Booty is Only Shin Deep.
Subject: Chenrezi, with story added this time :) Mistakes are constant. Tomorrow 1000 armed Chenrezi !
Date: Thu, 01 Oct 1998 09:35:52 +0000
From: Magic Mike B <mmb
Organization: funandmagic.com
To: "Magic Mike Mailout bcc's" <mmb
Hi,
Today is a picture of Chenrezi.
His Sanskrit name was Avalokiteshvara. He was the main disciple of The
Buddha. He was the guy who "got it" the most. The Buddha taught
80,000 lessons on dharma. The most advanced are able to remember EVERY
word as part of their mental attainment during a lesson and have total
recall later. The most advanced can remember past lives. He became a realized
being of the 10th level bodhisattva and his aspect and practice was in
compassion. It is taught that the compassion practice alone can lead to
full enlightenment. He is shown in this photo with four arms. He didn't
have 4 of course. He is shown in active meditation with a crystal rosary
in one hand, saying mantras of compassion, Om Mani Padme Hung, a lotus
flower in the other signaling enlightened mind, and the other two hands
are praying holding a wish fulfilling gem as he hopes all beings are free
from the causes of mental and physical suffering and have the conditions
for happiness so they have the ability to place themselves on the enlightenment
path. His state of being is "uninterrupted, spontaneous kindness".
If you think about those three things together, you realize that is quite
a task. The Dalai Lama is said to be the emanation of this Bodhisattva,
that he shares part of the mental state that this being emanates from a
bliss realm of past realized beings. See it at http://funandmagic.com/photolinks2.htm Below is a story about someone who "tried" to
be compassionate. Doesn't always work out, though.
Have a magic day, and pass it on.
Magic Mike
http://funandmagic.com That Dirty Dog
-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-
Years ago while lying in my hammock and drinking JD from the bottle I noticed
my dog dragging something under the fence. Upon inspection, to my dismay,
I realized it was the next door neighbor's 10 year old daughter's rabbit.
For years I had watch her come home from school and head straight out to
it's cage, free it and play with it in the yard. I knew today would be
no different and fearing for our dog, I had to think fast.
The rabbit was quite dirty, as if it had put up quite a struggle, so I washed it off with the hose, combed it with the Dog brush and blew it dry with the leaf blower. Upon finishing it's grooming I hopped the fence and replaced back in it's cage hoping it's death would be written off as "natural causes". Back to the hammock and my JD.
Within the hour the neighbor's Volvo pulled in as usual and out popped the little girl, and as usual she headed straight for the cage. Only this time she stopped about six feet away and screamed: "DDDAAAADDDDDDDYYYYYYY!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!"
Her father, panic stricken, stood looking at the cage. Being the good neighbor that I am I rushed to fence and asked if there was anything I could do. Her father less than calmly blurted, "What kind of sick individual would dig up a little girl's dead rabbit and put it back in it's cage??"Subject: Tibetan art
Date: Wed, 30 Sep 1998 19:32:03 +0000
From: Magic Mike B <mmb
Organization: funandmagic.com
To: "Magic Mike Mailout bcc's" <mmb
Hi,
I thought I'd show some Tibetan art, which is usually associated with the
Highest Tantric Yoga practices of Tibetan Vajrayana Buddhism. I became
associated with these works after meeting The Dalai Lama in 1979 in Seattle.
They usually feature Yogic masters in a meditational posture or a spiritual
inspirational entity called a Yidam. The female inspirational entities
are called Dakini(s). They are usually done on canvas, or cloth, and are
capable of being rolled up and transported with the meditator.
This first one is of Padmasambhava,
a self realized master who brought the secret teachings to Tibet in 747A.D.
His main teaching of Dzogchen, sitting like a mountain, visualizing Big
Sky, created 25 disciples who exhibited a mastery over the 4 elements earth,
air, wind, and fire. At the end of their teaching period in Tibet it is
said they vanished in rainbows. Padmasambhava is also said to be the author
of The Tibetan Book of the Dead (Instructions to be read to the dying person)
and The Tibetan Book of The Great Liberation (Instructions to the living).
The former describes the Bardo after death and rebirth states and the later
describes The Six Yogas of Nairopa, meditational practices.
The second is the Mandala
of The Medicine Buddha, the healing aspect of the Buddha. http://funandmagic.com/photolinks2.htm
I really recommend you watch "The Little Buddha", the movie that
was shot partly in Seattle, the scene of a real "little Buddha"
story. It stars Kenneau Reeves as the Buddha in the part of the story that
explains what happened in the life of Guatama Siddhartha, that led him
to meditate under a tree until he "got it". The basic practice
of Buddhism is not worshipping the historic Buddha but by trying to quiet
the mind and experience reality, the practice he and others found led to
a powerful realization, that connected a person the vastness of great wisdom. I got to meet the Dalai Lama eight times and I always
felt this from him. It would be nice if some of it would rub off. It takes
a lot of practicing.
Have a magic day and pass it on.
Magic Mike
http://funandmagic.com/
TEACHING MATH
*Teaching Math in 1950 A logger sells a truckload of lumber for $100. His cost of production is 4/5 of the price. What is his profit? *Teaching Math in 1960 A logger sells a truckload of lumber for $100. His cost of production is 4/5 of the price, or $80. What's his profit?
*Teaching Math in 1970 A logger exchanges a set "L" of lumber for a set "M" of money. The cardinality of set "M" is 100. Each element is worth one dollar. Make 100 dots representing the elements of the set "M." The set "C," the cost of production contains 20 fewer points than set "M." Represent the set "C" as a subset of set "M" and answer the following question: What is the cardinality of the set "P" for profits?
*Teaching Math in 1980 A logger sells a truckload of lumber for $100. Her cost of production is $80 and her profit is $20. Your assignment: Underline the number 20.
*Teaching Math in 1990 By cutting down beautiful forest trees, the logger makes $20. What do you think of this way of making a living? Topic for class participation after answering the question: How did the forest birds and squirrels feel as the logger cut down the trees? There are no wrong answers.
*Teaching Math in 1996 By laying off 40% of its loggers, a company improves its stock price from $80 to $100. How much capital gain per share does the CEO make by exercising his stock options at $80? Assume capital gains are no longer taxed, because this encourages investment.
*Teaching Math in 1997 A company outsources all of its loggers. The firm saves on benefits, and when demand for its product is down, the logging work force can easily be cut back. The average logger employed by the company earned $50,000, had three weeks vacation, a nice retirement plan and medical insurance. The contracted logger charges $50 an hour. Was outsourcing a good move?
*Teaching Math in 1998 A laid-off logger with four kids at home and a ridiculous alimony from his first failed marriage comes into the logging-company corporate offices and goes postal, mowing down 16 executives and a couple of secretaries, and gets lucky when he nails a politician on the premises collecting his kickback. Was outsourcing the loggers a good move for the company?
*Teaching Math in 1999 A laid-off logger serving time in Angola Prison for blowing away several people is being trained as a COBOL programmer in order to work on Y2K projects. What is the probability that the automatic cell doors will open on their own as of 00:01, 00/00/00?
Have a Magic day and pass it on, forward it, but don't
spindle or mutilate.
Magic Mike http://funandmagic.com
(accept no substitutes. There is a Magic Mike musician in New Jersey, and
a Magic Mike photographer in Singapore!)
