This site is supported by these services, the lowest ANYWHERE.
"Cleanest Water
"
Best filter available eight cents per gallon.
"
Cellular Phone
Pay less than in real-world cell phone stores.
Long Distance
Save on international and inbound toll-free calls!
Triple Play
High-speed internet, TV and digital phone on same bill!
High-Speed DSL
Find the best high-speed provider in your area.
Want a free hi-tech business and free hosted site to sell these services?
|
Whether you own a blog, create your own web pages, or make sales in the real-world, earn top dollar for your efforts selling the best products on planet earth!
Magic Stuff.
Children Magicians
Adult Magicians
Business Magicians
Tavern - Restaurant Customer Builder Promotion.
Tradeshow Magicians
Learn Tie Trick
See Magic Tricks
Sales Training
How to Accomplish Impossible In
Sales
Newspaper trick.
Magicians Lessons.
Balloon Lessons
Market Yourself
Magicians Show Photos
Guestbook.html.
E-mail Magic Mike
Leave A Tip
Send Show Deposit
Home Page
Mind Stuff.
Inspirational Art,
and Great Quotes.
ESP Finding Stuff.
ESP Lightning Strike
Butterfly On Finger
ESP Finding the Dalai Lama
ESP Volcano missed
ESP Predict Quakes
Reincarnated Boy
Tharlam Monastery
Read Literature.
Read The Bible
Read Wisdom Sutra
Read Tao Te Ching
Ancient game of Go.
Fun Stuff.
Wallpaper photos:
Space, Fine Art, Landscape, Animals
Award Short Movies
Award Animations.
Magic Joke Parlor.
Cartoon Of Day
Funny Photos.
Bumper Stickers
Movie Previews.
Movie Reviews.
Aquarium Cam.
Time-Lapse Photos
Harry
Potter Gifts
Cool stuff to hear.
Horoscope
WDFM Penn State
radio comedy 1969
I was one of the people
that started the
birth of FM Radio
as you know it today!
Info Stuff.
Thousands Of Great Recipes
Food &
Drink
Useful Links
Travel, Embassies.
Medical News
Cancer News
Natural
Science
Science
News.
Space News
Newspapers.
TV News
News Wires
Global Dimming!!
Rights for Street Performers
.
Magic Mike's Joke Page #5
Jokes from the mailbox, Magic Mailouts, NASA space photo links and
other great wallpaper photos,
and Firesign Phil's Planet Proctor Orbits
This is a VERY long text page of archived
jokes.
If you want to see them ALL, don't click away until the page finishes loading.
"Enjoy" - Magic Mike
Back to Joke Archive
Entry Magic Mike's Joke Page
Parlor Magic Mike's Home
Page
These jokes are to laugh at ourselves, so please
do not take offense.
"Since all phenomena, is a product of one's
own mind, empty of meaning, like a magician's illusion,
having nothing to do with good or bad, acceptance or rejection, one might
burst out in laughter."
- Longchenpa, 13th century Tibetan monk.
Date: Mon, 31 Aug 1998 08:48:02 -0700
From: Magic Mike B <mmb
To: "Magic Mike Mailout bcc's" <mmb
Hi
Remember when this cute song was about mass murder at
a school? (shoot shoot shoot the whole day long) I got hooked taping and
watching a Star Trek three-bie on TBS this weekend, along with a true one-star
with Teri Garr, "Mom and Dad Save Planet Earth." If aliens every
come here, I hope they haven't been watching TV, I'm really embarrassed
for the planet. So embarrassed I'm publishing a personal disclaimer, and
this list of 99 reasons why Captain Kirk is better than Captain Picard. WHAT is this
pic? Mytocondria? Amoebae? Nope, it's A3827: Galactic Cannibal. It's
a galaxy cluster, and the dominant galaxy has already eaten 6 other galaxies
and is about to eat 5 more. It's 1.5 billion light years away and we are
seeing it that long ago. By now, the lower five galaxies have long been
heartburn.
This week I'm featuring a special from The Metropolitan
Museum of Art.
Let's start with Woman and
Dove, a Greek bas-relief,
Cubiculum from Boscoreale
Roman, 40-30 B.C. (a room with wall art, uncovered under lava), and Dancing
Devata - India (Uttar Pradesh), 12th century stone
Tomorrow, Johannes Vermeer, Dutch Master and Michelangelo
Buonarroti, Italian master (he HAD a last name, you know!)
Have a magic day and forward it to friends.
Magic Mike http://funandmagic.com/photolinks2.htmWhy Kirk Is Better Than Picard
Subject: The Sun erupts
Date: Sun, 30 Aug 1998 12:04:12 -0700
From: mmb <mmb
To: "Magic Mike Mailout bcc's" <mmb Hi
Happy Sunday. We are having intense solar flare storms this week.
Here's a great pic of a large flare at the photo link page.
Have a magic day and forward it on!
Magic Mike
Now, let us pray.
Our Hard Drive
Which art internal
Volume C by name;
Thy code be clean,
Thy fonts be seen
On screen as they are on paper.
Give us this day our documents,
And lead us not into fragmentation
But deliver us our data.
For thine is the ASCII, And the EISA, and the NuBus,
Forever and Ever,
Amen.
=========================
==========
There was an engineer, manager, and a programmer driving down a steep mountain road. The brakes failed and the car careened down the road out of control. Half way down the driver managed to stop the car by running it against the embankment narrowly avoiding careening off the cliff. They all got out, shaken by their narrow escape from death, but otherwise unharmed.
The manager said, "To fix this problem we need to organize a committee, have meetings, and through process of continuous improvement, develop a solution."
The engineer said, "No that would take too long, besides that method never worked before. I have my trusty pen knife here and will take apart the brake system, isolate the problem and correct it."
The programmer said, "I think your both wrong! I think we should all push the car back up the hill and see if it happens again."
=========================
===========
A meat counter clerk, who had had a particularly good day, proudly flipped his last chicken on a scale and weighed it. "That will be $6.35," he told the customer.
"That really is a little too small," said the woman. "Don't you have anything larger?"
Hesitating, but thinking fast, the clerk returned the chicken to the refrigerator, paused a moment, then took it out again. "This one," he said faintly, " will be $6.65."
The woman paused for a moment, then made her decision. "I know what," she said, "I'll take both of them!"
Subject: Welcome to Planet Earth
Date: Sat, 29 Aug 1998 07:19:49 -0700
From: Magic Mike B <mmb
Organization: funandmagic.com
To: "Magic Mike Mailout bcc's" <mmb
Hi
Here's a wonderful shot of Earth,
taken by Apollo 17, that I sent last year, but hey it's Summer! Reruns
are in!!
Enjoy your stay. http://antwrp.gsfc.nasa.gov/apod/lib/sunday_seurat.gif
Have a magic day. Forward it on.
Magic Mike
IRONIC DARWINS
1. The average cost of rehabilitating a seal after the Exxon Valdez
oil spill in Alaska was $80,000. At a special ceremony, two of the most
expensively saved animals were released back into the wild amid cheers
and applause from onlookers. A minute later they were both eaten by a killer
whale.
2. A psychology student rented out her spare room to a carpenter in order to nag him constantly and study his reactions. After weeks of needling, he snapped and beat her repeatedly with an ax leaving her mentally retarded.
3. In 1992, Frank Perkins of Los Angeles made an attempt on the world flagpole-sitting record. By the time he had come down, eight hours short of the 400 day record, his sponsor had gone bust, his girlfriend had left him and his phone and electricity had been cut off.
4. A woman came home to find her husband in the kitchen, shaking frantically with what looked like a wire running from his waist towards the electric kettle. Intending to jolt him away from the deadly current she whacked him with a handy plank of wood by the back door, breaking his arm in two places. A shame as he had merely been listening to his Walkman.
5. Two animal rights protesters were protesting at the
cruelty of sending pigs to a slaughterhouse in Bonn. Suddenly the pigs,
all two thousand of them, escaped through a broken fence and stampeded,
trampling the two hapless protesters to death. And the last and best
. . . . .
6. Iraqi terrorist, Khay Rahnajet, didn't pay enough postage on a letter
bomb. It came back with "return to sender" stamped on it. You've
guessed it, he opened it and said a fond farewell to his face.
One day, Jesus and Moses are out on the golf course and decide to have a contest over who can make the most outstanding shot.
So, Moses goes first. He settles up for the shot and hammers it straight for the green. Unfortunately, the ball falls into a water hazard. Undaunted, Moses raises his arms to the sky, and the water parts where the ball dropped in. The ball rolls out of the water and onto dry land, only a foot away from the hole. Jesus looks at Moses and says, "Hey, Moses, that was a pretty good shot. Now let me see what I can do."
So Jesus settles up for his shot and sends the ball screaming toward the green. Unfortunately, Jesus has the same luck as Moses did. The ball heads straight for the water hazard. Jesus holds out one hand and, instead of dropping into the water, the ball bounces on top of it and rolls onto dry land only three inches from the hole. Moses says, "Wow, that was an incredible shot!"
No sooner has Moses said this, than the skies grow dark. The wind starts to pick up, lightning and thunder crackle through the sky. Suddenly, a ball falls from the heavens into the same water hazard where Jesus and Moses hit theirs. A fish swims up and swallows the ball. An eagle swoops down, grabs the fish in his talons, and heads for the now darkened sky. Lightning strikes the eagle, and he drops the fish onto the green. The fish opens his mouth, the ball rolls out, and drops into the hole.
Moses turns to Jesus and says, "Man! I hate it when your dad plays!"Subject: stressed spelled backwards
Date: Fri, 28 Aug 1998 08:34:49 -0700
From: Magic Mike B <mmb
Organization: funandmagic.com
To: "Magic Mike Mailout bcc's" <mmb
Hi
What a WEEK! Stress is too short a word for it! I hope YOU'RE having a
magic one! It's a Herculean task, and galaxy.Have a magic day and forward it on!
Magic Mike
It's no accident that stressed spelled backwards is desserts.
When we talk to God it's called prayer. When God talks back it's called schizophrenia.
What do you get when cross a Godfather with a lawyer? An offer you can't understand.
During break time at obedience school, two dogs were talking. One said to the other..."The thing I hate about obedience school is you learn ALL this stuff you'll never use in the real world.Subject: Funny Times
Date: Thu, 27 Aug 1998 08:36:20 -0700
From: Magic Mike B <mmb
Organization: funandmagic.com
To: Magic Mike Mailout bcc's <mmb BCC:
Hi!
Here's a cartoon from Funny
Times and some corn from the field. I don't grow 'em. I just shuck
'em.
Have a magic day and forward it.
Magic Mike
Habitually Greener
-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-
A rabbit one day managed to break free from the laboratory where he had
been born and brought up. As he scurried away from the fencing of the compound,
he felt grass under his little feet and saw the dawn breaking for the first
time in his life. "Wow, this is great," he thought. It wasn't
long before he came to a hedge and after squeezing under it he saw a wonderful
sight - lots of other bunny rabbits, all free and nibbling at the lush
grass. "Hey," he called. "I'm a rabbit from the laboratory
and I've just escaped. Are you wild rabbits?" "Yes. Come and
join us," they cried. Our friend hopped over to them and started eating
the grass. It tasted so good. "What else do you wild rabbits do?"
he asked. "Well," one of them said. "You see that field
there? It's got carrots growing in it. We dig them up and eat them."
This, he couldn't resist and he spent the next hour eating the most succulent
carrots. They were wonderful.
Later, he asked them again, "What else do you do?"
"You see that field there? It's got lettuce growing in it. We eat
that as well." The lettuce tasted just as good and he returned a while
later completely full. "It's fantastic out here in the world"
he told them. "So are you going to live with us then?" one of
them asked. "I'm sorry, I had a great time but I can't." The
wild rabbits all stared at him, a bit surprised. "Why? We thought
you liked it here." "I do," our friend replied. "But
I must get back to the lab. I'm dying for a cigarette."
The friars were behind on their belfry payments, so theyopened up a small florist shop to raise the funds. Since
everyone liked to buy flowers from the men of God, the rival florist across
town thought the competition was unfair.
He asked the good fathers to close down, but they would
not.
He went back and begged the friars to close. They ignored him. He asked
his mother to go and ask the friars to get out of business. They ignored
her, too. So the rival florist hired Hugh MacTaggart, the roughest and
most vicious thug in town, to "persuade" them to close.
Hugh beat up the friars and trashed their store, saying
he'd
be back if they didn't close shop. Terrified, the friars did so, thereby
proving that . . .
-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=
-=-=-=-=-=-=-=
-=-=-
During a recent vacation in Las Vegas, a man went to see a popular magic show. After one especially amazing feat, a man from the back of the theater yelled, "How'd you do that?"
"I could tell you, sir", the magician answered, " But then I'd have to kill you."
After a short pause, the man yelled back, "Ok, then-just tell my wife!"
Subject: [Fwd: PP 98 - 22]
Date: Tue, 25 Aug 1998 22:17:17 -0700
From: Magic Mike B <mmb
Organization: SalesTempsUSA.comTo: "Magic Mike Mailout bcc's" <mmb
Hi
Well, It's been one of those days. So humor being the best medicine....
Here's a couple of cheery sunflowers,
some tongue in cheek, and a Planet Proctor from my friend, Firesign Theater's
Phil Proctor, alias Rocky Rococo, alias The Drunk Monkey. By the way, rent
Tunnelvision, and J-Men Forever, a Firesign Theater hero/villain spoof
with dubbed in insane dialogue (The hero, thrashing a villain on a rooftop
says, "It's fun to abuse you!")
When I was a disc jockey at a FM station owned by Alf
Landon in Fort Collins, Colorado in 1974, we told people to watch a 90
minute Lone Ranger with the sound off. We watched in the studio and ad
libbed dialogue and sound (I produced it ON THE FLY with effects), and
we had a girl with a Jewish accent play Tonto, and turned it into a range
war between the pizza interests and the hoagie shops.
Have a magic day and pass it on.
Magic Mike
Doctor: "I've got very bad news - you've got cancer and Alzheimer's"Patient: "Well, at least I don't have cancer" A man walks
into a doctor's office. He has a cucumber up his nose, a carrot in his
left ear and a banana in his right ear. "What's the matter with me?"
he asks the doctor.
The doctor replies, "You're not eating properly."
To: AAA <pproctor@compuserve.com (((((((((((((((((((((((( PLANET PROCTOR 98 - 22
"In the film Starship Troopers, did you know that Planet P is where the brain bug lives? Coincidence? You decide!" Kevin Kutchaver, Flat Earth Productions
FOOD FOR THOUGHT After attending a screening of the contraversial HBO movie, "The Rat Pack" last Thursday at the Beverly Hills Museum of TV&R, Melinda and I decided to celebrate her 39th birthday with a late super at the new Spago. We had no reservations, and at 10 PM the place was packed; but they treated us politely; and after a drink at the bar, we sat down to a spectacular dinner. Well, I love to peruse the wine lists in trendy spots, and here's what I got from Wolfie's: There is a category of "Interesting American White Wines", the French reds are divided into "Left and Right Bank" and the priciest champagne is a Dom Perignon ROSE!! -- at $350 a pop. Next year, after my residuals come in, we'll probably order the top'o'the line Chateau Mouton Rothschild '61, for $1,695. and wash down our desserts with Hennesy Richard's Very Very Very Very Special (it better be) cognac, at $150 per snifter... Skoal! BULLISH... Helium was up, feathers were down. Weights were up in heavy trading. Paper was stationary. Fluorescent tubing was dimmed in light trading. Light switches were off. Knives were up sharply. Pencils lost a few points. Cows steered into a bull market. Hiking equipment was trailing. Elevators rose, while escalators continued their slow decline. Mining equipment hit rock bottom but shipping lines stayed at an even keel. And though Caterpillar stock inched up a bit, the market for raisins dried up. Sun peaked at midday. Balloons were inflated, batteries exploded in an attempt to recharge the market, and Coca Cola fizzled. Scott Tissue touched a new bottom. Diapers remain unchanged... (From Milkum Bosky's monthly newsletter, "Shortcuts to Big Bucks")
"If President Nixon lied to the American People, he should resign." Clinton,'74
ZIPPERGATE Hank Rosenfeld writes: "Hey, let's just try and keep in mind that we knew we were in trouble a few years ago when Clinton saw that picture of the 500-year-old frozen Peruvian woman that archeologists dug up, remember? And he said, "She looks pretty good." True story. I read it in the paper." Well, some people are saying that President Clinton is dead politically, but I say he's spinning in his grave... Finally, Harvey Rubens reveals that "Kenneth Starr's investigation of the DNA on Monica Lewinsky's dress has been thwarted by the revelation today that everyone in Arkansas has the same DNA."
AND NOW A QUIZ... 1. Which president smoked marijuana with a nude playgirl while he joked about being too wasted to "push the button" in case of nuclear attack? 2. Which president allegedly had affairs with both a winner AND a finalist in the Miss America pageant? 3. Which president made love to one of his secretaries stretched out atop a desk in the oval office? 4. Which president allegedly had an affair (as well as children) with a slave who was his wife's half sister? 5. Which president called his mistress "Pookie"? 6. Which president married a woman who hadn't yet divorced her first husband and was branded an "adulterer" during his re-election campaign? 7. Which future president wrote love letters to his neighbor's wife while he was engaged to someone else? 8. Which president had a torrid affair with the first lady's personal secretary? 9. Which president made love to a young woman in a White House coat closet, while a secret service agent prevented the hysterical first lady from attacking them? 10. Which president made love in a closet while telling his lover about the *other* president who made love in a closet? 11. Which vice president was cheesed off because he felt that HIS record of sexual conquests was more impressive than the president's? 12. Which future president, while a college student, loved showing off his manhood (which he named "Jumbo")? The answers are at the end -- of Western Civilisation.
SEEING SPOTS From actor and dear friend, Richard Paul: A nursery school teacher was delivering a station wagon full of kids home one day when a fire truck zoomed past. Sitting in the front seat of the fire truck was a Dalmation dog. The children fell to discussing the dog's duties. "They use him to keep crowds back," said one youngster. "No," said another,"he's just for good luck." A third child brought the argument to a close. "They use the dogs," she said firmly, "to find the fire hydrant." And also from Richard: "In a recent television show in the UK, actor/comedian John Cleese explained three reasons why the British are superior to Americans: 1. They speak English. 2. When they host a world championship they invite other countries. 3. Visitors to the head of state are only expected to go down on one knee."
DOCTOR PROCTOR Hollywood Horror Story, Number Googolplex: I was asked to read for part of a pastor on "That Seventies Show" this week, and after reading the page (sic) as faxed to me, thought it was funny enough for Fox. Besides, I play ministers all the time; you may recall my brilliant bit reading the last rites for "Men Behaving Badly." Anyway, I memorized the little speech and even punched it up a bit. It read like this: "And the Lord warned Lot and his family not to look back, but his wife did, and she was turned into a pillar of salt. But Lot obeyed the Lord and did not. So, let's hope there's a little bit of Lot in all of us. No, a lotta Lot in all of us. Amen. Now, please stand for a moment of silent meditation." A few hours before I was to leave for the reading, my agent called. "Phil," she says," The producers are going to fax you a few little changes in the lines." Ok, fine. Here is what I received: "In the name of the father, the son and the Holy Ghost. Amen. Please stand for a moment of silent meditation." Oh, well. You can still hear me giving the last rites in Private Ryan.
"You sadistic bastard, you crushed my skull!" The Caped Madman, "J-Men Forever"
ZEN WHAT? Pastor Crosstalk says that a Buddhist monk strode into a Zen Pizza Parlor and said, "Make me one with everything." When he got his order, he gave the proprietor a $20 bill which the guy pocketed. "Hey," said the monk, "where's the change?" "Change," replied the owner inscrutably, "must come from within."
YOU'LL GET THIS IN SEPTEMBER... "Youse guise are not so far off saying "The Great Satan put electricity in my toothpaste." My Siberian friend Vladimir Sovetov (a Zappa expert and author [in Russian]) said that the most memorable Soviet anti-US propaganda commercial was one of an inner city family which was so poor everyone had to share the same toothbrush. Such was the uneven distribution of goods in capitalism." (Doctor John Scialli)
AND ALUMINUM RADIO HATS? From www.washingtonpost.com (7/30): "The president has agreed to give videotaped testimony on Aug. 17, and sources said Monica Lewinsky will give Ken Starr a dress to be tested for DNA material and phone messages."
-- THIS 'ICRO-HONE -ORKING? "On May 19, the Navy announced it would no longer teach celestial navigation to young officers, since satellite navigation had become so reliable. That same day, the Galaxy IV satellite failed, throwing much of the country's communications into chaos." - George Amer
"Incidentally, Grampa Al Lewis is running for Governor of New York on the Green Party Ticket." - Gary Goodrow
I'M SORRY, BUT THIS IS JUST FUNNY Hugh (Rick) Heinsohn claims that this is a TRUE story about the passengers onboard a Northwest Airlines flight to Boston during our recent hurricane "Bob." When the turbulence finally abated, the flight attendants unbuckled themselves, and the captain's voice came on over the intercom. "Well, folks, that was quite some ride, wasn't it? But we came through it fine, and I'm happy to report that it looks like the remainder of our trip should be much calmer. I'd like to thank you very much for your calmness and cooperation, and extend our best wishes for a pleasant stay in Boston." Then after a short pause and several clicks... "Geez, whadda bitchin' ride! Boy - I sure could use a cup of good strong coffee and a blow job right about now." As a stricken stewardess dashed up the aisle to the captain's cabin to shut off the intercom, one of the passengers called out, "Don't forget the coffee!" "Men are from earth. Women are from earth. Deal with it."
IT'S THE LAW! Q: Doctor, how many autopsies have you performed on dead people? A: All my autopsies are performed on dead people. Q: Do you recall the time that you examined the body? A: The autopsy started around 8:30 p.m. Q: And Mr. Dennington was dead at the time? A: No, he was sitting on the table wondering why I was doing an autopsy. Q: Doctor, before you performed the autopsy, did you check for a pulse? A: No. Q: Did you check for blood pressure? A: No. Q: Did you check for breathing? A: No. Q: So, then it is possible that the patient was alive when you began the autopsy? A: No. Q: How can you be so sure, Doctor? A: Because his brain was sitting on my desk in a jar. Q: But could the patient have still been alive nevertheless? A: It is possible that he could have been alive and practicing law somewhere. "The latest US Govt. survey just released shows that three out of four people now make up 75% of the US population!" - Gary Belkin CLOSE YOUR EYES AND I'LL TELL YOU A STORY Otto Wichterle, the inventor of the soft contact lens, shuttered his baby blues August 18 at the ripe-old of 84. He had survived imprisonment by the Nazis and invasion by the Soviets; and after retirement, was named president of the Czechoslovak Academy of Sciences and then chairman of the Academy of Sciences of the Czech Republic. He invented the lens in 1956 or 1961 -- it's not clear...
"Domino vobiscum." -- (The pizza guy's here.)
+++++++++++(8/25/98)++++++++++ * PLANET PROCTOR: http://www.clark.net/pub/rarnold/firesign/pp *"FUNNY TIMES": http://www.funnytimes.com * FIREZINE: $15.00 per annum http://www.intrepid.net/~firezine/ * FIRESIGN PRODUCT http://www.lodestone-media.com
PLANET PROCTOR (C) 1998 by Phil Proctor
ANSWERS: 1-JFK, 2-Bill Clinton, 3-LBJ, 4-Thomas Jefferson, 5-Bill Clinton, 6-Andrew Jackson, 7-George Washington, 8-FDR 9-Warren G. Harding, 10-JFK, 11 and 12-LBJSubject: Moon, Venus, Jupiter, Phoenix
Date: Tue, 25 Aug 1998 08:45:15 -0700
From: Magic Mike B <mmb
Organization: SalesTempsUSA.comTo: "Magic Mike Mailout bcc's" <mmb
Hi
Can you say: Moon, Venus, Jupiter,
Phoenix? It's a warm, still, Arizona night. You're parked on a hill
with your honey. The sun set an hour ago, only a hint of light left over
the hills, the glow of Phoenix lights below, and the moon is lit on one
side by the sun and Jupiter and Venus sit over it's shoulder in the darkness
to the right. See it at http://funandmagic.com/photolinks2.htmHave a magic day and pass it on!
Magic Mike
Airline Humor
Pilot: November 123 on a very short final, understand
I'm cleared to land?
Tower: Oh, who's talking?
Pilot: Me
Radar: Flight 1234, for noise abatement turn right 45
degrees
Pilot: Roger, but we are at 35.000 feet, how much noise can we make up
here?
Radar: Sir, have you ever heard the noise a 707 makes when it hits a 727?
Radar: CRX 500, are you on a course to SUL?
Pilot: More or less
Radar: So proceed a little bit more to SUL
Tower: N2234, are you a Cessna?
Pilot: No, I'm a male hispanic
Pilot: ... request heading 110 to avoid"
Radar: To avoid what? Pilot:
To avoid delay
Pilot: Radar, this is Cessna 4675
Radar: Cessna 4675, go ahead Pilot:
Radar, I dont seem to be making much progress here. How is my groundspeed?Radar: Well, all depends. If you are a hang glider, you are doing very
well.
Captain: (after landing a bit rough) Ladies and Gentlemen, it's happy hour. You just received two landings for the price of one.
POOR OLD MAN
Once upon a time there was an elderly gentleman that was suffering
from Alzheimer's. His wife of 40 years loved him very much, but she couldn't
handle him any longer. He would wander about never knowing where he was
or sometimes even who he was. She took him to a nursing home.At the nursing
home, while the wife was filling out paperwork, a nurse had the gentleman
sit in a chair. Suddenly the man starting slowly leaning to his left. The
nurse ran over and put a pillow on his left side to prop him up. A few
minutes later, he started leaning to his right. Again, the nurse ran over
and put a pillow on his right side. Then he starting leaning forward. This
time, the nurse strapped him into the chair. About this time, his wife,
having completed the paperwork, walked up to him and asked, "How do
you like the place?" "It's okay," he said. "But, they
won't let me fart."
A northern fairytale begins "Once upon a time..."
A southern fairytale begins "Y'all ain't gonna believe this shit..."
Subject: Monday, Monday
Date: Mon, 24 Aug 1998 08:05:38 -0700
From: Magic Mike B <mmb
Organization: SalesTempsUSA.comTo: "Magic Mike Mailout bcc's" <mmb
Hi!
Did you overdo it this weekend? Are you feeling fractal? Today's Photo
LInk is Fractal Saturn.
If you EVER actually see Saturn for yourself in a telescope, you think
it's a joke, all those pretty rings around, it like an unreal cartoon in
space.
Have a magic day and pass it on.
Magic Mike
Subj: What A Guy Really Means...
"I'm going fishing."
Really means... "I'm going to drink myself dangerously stupid and
stand by a stream with a stick in my hand, while the fish swim by in complete
safety."
"It's a guy thing."
Really means.... "There is no rational thought pattern connected with
it, and you have no chance at all of making it logical."
"Can I help with dinner?"
Really means.... "Why isn't it already on the table?"
"Uh huh," "Sure, honey," or "Yes,
dear."
Really means.... Absolutely nothing. It's a conditioned response... He
hasn't heard a single word!
"It would take too long to explain."
Really means... "I have no idea how it works."
"I'm getting more exercise lately."
Really means.... "The batteries in the remote are dead." (and
he couldn't possibly replace them all by his lil self!!)
"We're going to be late."
Really means.... "Now I have a legitimate excuse to drive like a maniac."
"Take a break, honey, you're working too hard."Really means.... "I can't hear the game over the vacuum cleaner."
"That's interesting, dear."
Really means.... "Are you still talking?"
"Honey, we don't need material things to prove our
love."
Really means.... "I forgot our anniversary again."
"You expect too much of me."
Really means.... "You want me to stay awake." (And... god forbid...
"cuddle" or "snuggle"...)
"That's women's work."
Really means.... "It's difficult, dirty, and thankless."
"You know how bad my memory is."
Really means.... "I remember the theme song to 'F Troop', ~~~ the
address of the first girl I ever kissed ~~~ and the Vehicle Identification
Numbers of every car I've ever owned, but I forgot your birthday."
"Oh, don't fuss. I just cut myself, it's no big deal."Really means.... "I have severed a limb, but will bleed to death before I admit I'm hurt."
"I do help around the house."
Really means.... "I once put a dirty towel in the laundry basket."
"Hey, I've got my reasons for what I'm doing."Really means.... "I sure hope I think of some reasons pretty soon."
"I can't find it."
Really means.... "It didn't fall into my outstretched hands, so I'm
completely clueless."
"What did I do this time?"
Really means.... "What did you catch me doing?"
"I heard you."
Really means.... "I haven't the foggiest clue what you just said,
and am hoping desperately that I can fake it well enough so that you don't
spend the next 3 days yelling at me."
"You look terrific."
Really means.... "Oh, please don't try on one more outfit. I'm starving......
just wear whatever that is... and let's go!"
"I missed you."
Really means.... "I can't find my sock drawer, ~~~~ the kids are hungry
~~~~~ and we are out of toilet paper."
"I'm not lost. I know exactly where we are."Really means.... "I'm lost. I have no idea where we are, and no one will ever see us alive again."
"We share the housework."
Really means.... "I make the messes, you clean them up."
"This relationship is getting too serious."Really means.... "You're cutting into the time I spend with my truck."
"I don't need to read the instructions."Really means.... "I am perfectly capable of screwing it up .... without printed help."
Subject: A Star Is Born, in a space tornado! Judy Garland? This isn't Kansas!!
Date: Sat, 22 Aug 1998 09:45:44 -0700
From: Magic Mike B <mmb
Organization: SalesTempsUSA.comTo: "Magic Mike Mailout bcc's" <mmb
Hi
Today I found a fantastic desktop size picture of star
birth in The Lagoon Nebula.
The funnel shaped clouds are from temperature differences, just like a
terran tornado!
Spend the day at The Cedars
Trail in Glacer National Park.
I was sending embedded links over the last few weeks,
and some people were just getting headers with a blank mail window. Please
let me know if you were one of those that got blanks.
Have a magic day and pass it on!
Magic Mike A girl asks her boyfriend to come over to her house have dinner
with her parents. When the boyfriend agrees, the girl is so thankful that
she tells him that after dinner, she would like to go out and have sex
with him for the first time. Well, the boy is ecstatic, but he has never
had sex before. So he takes a trip to the pharmacist to get some condoms.
He tells the pharmacist his predicament, and the pharmacist spends about
an hour with him telling the boy everything there is to know about condoms
and sex. At the register, the pharmacist asks the boy how many condoms
he'd like to buy; a 3-pack, a 10-pack, or a family pack. The boy insists
on the family pack because he thinks he will be very busy, it being his
first time and all. That night, the boy shows up at the girl's house and
meets his girlfriend at the door. "Oh I'm so excited for you to meet
my parents, come on in." She leads the boy to the dinner table where
the girl's parents are seated. The boy quickly bows his head and offers
to say grace. A minute passes, and the boy is still deep in prayer, with
his head down. Ten minutes pass and still no movement from the boy. Finally,
after 20 minutes with his head bowed, the girlfriend leans over and whispers
to her boyfriend, "I had no idea you were so religious." The
boy turns, and whispers back, "I had no idea your father was a pharmacist."
-==-=-=-=-
-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=---=-=
-=-
A Hollywood producer receives a new script from a talented new scriptwriter. The script is for an action film, based around the lives of classical composers.
To get the ball rolling, the producer starts to call around the top action film stars to try and sign them up. First, he calls Jean-Claude Van Damme. He explains the plot of the film and asks Jean-Claude if he is interested. Jean-Claude loves the idea and agrees. When asked what part he would like to play, Jean-Claude thinks for a moment before deciding on the part of Ludwig Van Beethoven.
Next, he phones Sylvester Stallone. He explains the plot to Stallone and is overjoyed when the star agrees to be in the picture. "Fantastic, fantastic Sly! What part do you want?" Stallone thinks carefully for a moment before he decides to take the part of Verdi.
Finally, the producer decides he needs one more big star to guarantee the picture will be a blockbuster hit, and he calls Arnold Schwarzenegger. He describes the plot of the movie to the star, and again he gets a result. He inquires as to Arnold's choice of character. The star thinks for a moment and then responds "I'll be Bach!"
-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=
-=-=-=-=-
A lady in a faded gingham dress and her husband, dressed in a homespun
threadbare suit, stepped off the train in Boston, and walked timidly without
an appointment into the president's outer office. The secretary could tell
in a moment that such backwoods, country hicks had no business at Harvard
and probably didn't even deserve to be in Cambridge. She frowned. "We
want to see the president", the man said softly. "He'll be busy
all day," the secretary snapped. "We'll wait," the lady
replied. For hours, the secretary ignored them, hoping that the couple
would finally become discouraged and go away. They didn't. And the secretary
grew frustrated and finally decided to disturb the president, even though
it was a chore she always regretted to do. "Maybe if they just see
you for a few minutes, they'll leave," she told him. And he signed
in exasperation and nodded. Someone of his importance obviously didn't
have the time to spend with them, but he detested gingham dresses and homespun
suits cluttering up his outer office. The president, stern-faced with dignity,
strutted toward the couple. The lady told him, "We had a son that
attended Harvard for one year. He loved Harvard. He was happy here. But
about a year ago, he was accidentally killed. And my husband and I would
like to erect a memorial to him, somewhere on campus". The president
wasn't touched he was shocked. "Madam," he said gruffy, "We
can't put up a statue for every person who attended Harvard and died. If
we did, this place would look like a cemetery". "Oh, no,"
the lady explained quickly, "We don't want to erect a statue. We thought
we would like to give a building to Harvard.The president rolled his eyes.
He glanced at the gingham dress and homespun suit, then exclaimed, "A
building! Do you have any earthly idea how much a building costs? W have
over seven and a half million dollars in the physical plant at Harvard".
For a moment the lady was silent. The president was pleased. He could get
rid of them now. And the lady turned to her husband and said quietly, "Is
that all it costs to start a University? Why don't we just start our own?"
Her husband nodded. The president's face wilted in confusion and bewilderment.
And Mr. and Mrs. Leland Stanford walked away, traveling to Palo Alto, California
where they established the University that bears their name, a memorial
to a son that Harvard no longer cared about.
-=-=-==-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-====-
Quips and Quotes
-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-
"I have such poor vision I can date anybody." --Garry Shandling
"I was a vegetarian until I started leaning towards sunlight."
--Rita Rudner "Our bombs are smarter than the average high school
student. At least they can find Kuwait." --A. Whitney Brown Today
I met with a subliminal advertising executive for just a second."
--Steven Wright "The statistics on sanity are that one out of every
four Americans is suffering from some form of mental illness. Think of
your three bestfriends. If they are okay, then it's you." --Rita Mae
Brown
"Some women hold up dresses that are so ugly and they always say the same thing: 'This looks much
"I was in a supermarket and I saw Paul Newman's face on salad dressing and spaghetti sauce....I thought he was missing." --Bob Saget
"If God doesn't destroy Hollywood Boulevard, he owes Sodom & Gomorrah an apology." --Jay Leno
"I planted some bird seed. A bird came up. Now I don't know what to feed it." --Steven Wright
"If life was fair, Elvis would be alive and all the impersonators would be dead." --Johnny Carson
"If you're cross-eyed and have dyslexia, can you see okay?" --John Mendoza
"Where lipstick is concerned, the important thing is not color, but to accept God's final word on where your lips end." --Jerry Seinfeld
"I think that's how Chicago got started. A bunch of people in New York said, 'Gee, I'm enjoying the crime and the poverty, but it just isn't cold enough. Let's go west.'" --Richard JeniSubject: Q: And you were present when the picture was taken, right?Date: Fri, 21 Aug 1998 08:37:32 -0700
From: Magic Mike B <mmb
Organization: http://SalesTempsUSA.com
To: "Magic Mike Mailout bcc's" <mmb
Hi
It's Friday. End the week, start a fresh one. The future is unchartered
territory Sand dune.
Have a magic day and forward it.
Magic Mike http://www.SalesTempsUSA.com/
Courtroom Capers Mary Louise Gilman, editor of the National Shorthand
Reporter, has collected many hilarious courtroom bloopers in two books
(Humor in the Court (1977) and More Humor in the Court).
Q: ...any suggestions as to what prevented this from being a murder trial
instead of an attempted murder trial?
A: The victim lived.
******
Q: Are you sexually active?
A: No, I just lie there.
******
Q: Are you qualified to give a urine sample?
A: Yes, I have been since early childhood.
******
Q: The truth of the matter is that you were not an unbiased, objective
witness, isn't it? You too were shot in the fracas?
A: No, sir. I was shot midway between the fracas and the naval.
******
Q: What is the meaning of sperm being present?
A: It indicates intercourse.
Q: Male sperm?
A. That is the only kind I know.
******
Q: (Showing man picture.) That's you?
A: Yes, sir.
Q: And you were present when the picture was taken, right?
******
Q: Was that the same nose you broke as a child?
A: I have only one, you know.
******
Q: What is your relationship with the plaintiff?
A: She is my daughter.
Q: Was she your daughter on February 13, 1979?
******
Q: Now, you have investigated other murders, have you not, where there
was a victim?
******
Q: ...and what did he do then?
A: He came home, and next morning he was dead.
Q: So when he woke up the next morning he was dead?
******
Q: Did you tell your lawyer that your husband had offered you indignities?A: He didn't offer me nothing; he just said I could have the furniture.******
Q: So, after the anesthesia, when you came out of it, what did you observe
with respect to your scalp?
A: I didn't see my scalp the whole time I was in the hospital.
Q: It was covered?
A: Yes, bandaged.
Q: Then, later on.. what did you see?
A: I had a skin graft. My whole buttocks and leg were removed and put on
top of my head.
******
Q: Could you see him from where you were standing?
A: I could see his head.
Q: And where was his head?
A: Just above his shoulders.
******
Q: Do you drink when you're on duty?
A: I don't drink when I'm on duty, unless I come on duty drunk.
******
Q. What is your brother-in-law's name?
A. Borofkin.
Q. What's his first name?
A. I can't remember.
Q. He's been your brother-in-law for years, and you can't remember his
first name?
A. No. I tell you I'm too excited. (Rising from the witness chair and pointing
to Mr. Borofkin.) Nathan, for God's sake, tell them your first name!
******
Q. Did you ever stay all night with this man in New York?
A. I refuse to answer that question.
Q. Did you ever stay all night with this man in Chicago?
A. I refuse to answer that question.
Q. Did you ever stay all night with this man in Miami?
A. No.
******
Q. Now, Mrs. Johnson, how was your first marriage terminated?
A: By death.
Q. And by whose death was it terminated?
******
Q: Doctor, did you say he was shot in the woods?
A. No, I said he was shot in the lumbar region.
******
Q. What is your name?
A. Ernestine McDowell.
Q. And what is your marital status?
A. Fair.
******
Q. Are you married?
A. No, I'm divorced.
Q. And what did your husband do before you divorced him?
A. A lot of things I didn't know about.
******
Q: And who is this person you are speaking of?
A. My ex-widow said it.
******
Q: How did you happen to go to Dr. Cherney?
A. Well, a gal down the road had had several of her children by Dr. Cherney,
and said he was really good.
******
Q: Do you know how far pregnant you are right now?
A. I will be three months November 8th.
Q. Apparently then, the date of conception was August 8th?
A. Yes.
Q. What were you and your husband doing at that time?
----------0-----------
A minister and lawyer were chatting at a party: "What do you do if
you make a mistake on a case?" the minister asked.
"Try to fix it if it's big; ignore it if it's insignifican't," replied the lawyer. "What do you do?"
The minister replied "Oh, more or less the same. Let me give you an example.
The other day I meant to say 'the devil is the father
of liars,' but instead I said 'the devil is the father of lawyers,' so
I let it go."
*******************
An Elderly Couple Visits Doctor A 61 year old couple goes to the doctor's
office.The doctor asks,"What can I do for you?" The man says
"Will you watch us have sexual intercourse?" The doctor looks
puzzled but agrees. When they have finished, the doctor says, "There
is nothing wrong with the way you have intercourse," and he charges
them $40.00.
=========================
===
I am a medical student currently doing a rotation in toxicology at the
poison control center. Today, this woman called in very upset because she
caught her little daughter eating ants. I quickly reassured her that the
ants are not harmful and there would be no need to bring her daughter into
the hospital. She calmed down, and at the end of the conversation happened
to mention that she gave her daughter some ant poison to eat in order to
kill the ants. I told her that she better bring her daughter in to he ER
right away.
.- - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - -
--
Seems that a year ago, some Boeing employees on the field decided to steal a life raft from one of the 747s. They were successful in getting it out of the plant and home. When they took it for a float on the Stilliguamish River, they were quite surprised by a coast guard helicopter homing in on the emergency locator that is activated when the raft is inflated. They are no longer employed here.
.- - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - -
--
The instructor was demonstrating the wonders of static electricity to his class at MIT. While holding a plastic rod in one hand and a wool cloth in the other, he told the class, "You can see that I get a large charge from rubbing my rod..." That was pretty much the end of learning for that day.
.- - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - -
--
I worked for a while at a Wal-Mart store, selling sporting goods. As an employee of Wal-Mart you are sometimes required to make Store-wide pages, e.g.,"I have a customer in hardware who needs assistance at the paint counter." One night a tentative female voice came over the intercom system with the following message: "I have a customer by the balls in toys who needs assistance."
.- - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - -
-
A police officer had a perfect hiding place for watching for speeders. But one day, everyone was under the speed limit, the officer found the problem: a 10 year old boy was standing on the side of the road with a huge hand painted sign which said "RADAR TRAP AHEAD." A little more investigative work led the officer to the boy's accomplice, another boy about 100 yards beyond the radar trap with a sign reading "TIPS" and a bucket at his feet, full of change.
Subject: Risk is high but within acceptable ranges of risk:
Date: Wed, 19 Aug 1998 23:47:50 -0700
From: Magic Mike B <mmb
Organization: http://SalesTempsUSA.comTo: "Magic Mike Mailout bcc's" <mmb Hi
Is it Thursday already?! Go see a Pissaro for your desktop wallpaper today, or this fractal parobolic worldscape.
Have a magic day and ofrward it. (you dyslexics nkwo what I mena)
Magic Mike parlor.htm
77 year old Morris went for his annual physical. All of his tests came back with great results. Dr. Cohen said, " Morris everything looks great physically. How are you doing mentally, emotionally and are you at peace with yourself, and have a good relationship with God?" Morris replied, "God and me are tight. We are so close that when I get up in the middle of the night, *poof*...the light goes on when I go to the bathroom and then *poof* the light goes off!" "Wow," commented Dr. Cohen, " that's incredible!"
A little later in the day Dr. Cohen called Morris's wife. "Becky," he said, " Morris is just fine. Physically he's great. But I had to call because I'm in awe of his relationship with God. Is it true that he gets up during the night and *poof * The light goes on in the bathroom and then *poof *the light goes off?'"
Becky replied, "The darn fool!.... He's peeing in the fridge again!"
=========================
==
Pentagon Phrase Book - What Pentagon officials say - And what they really
mean:
Essentially Complete
It's half done
We predict...
We hope to God! Risk is high but within acceptable ranges of risk:
100:1 odds, or with 10 times over budget using 10 times the people we said
we'd employ.
Potential show stopper:
The team has updated their resumes.
Serious but not insurmountable problems:
It'll take a miracle...
Basic agreement has been reached:
The @##$%%'s won't even talk to us.
Results are being quantified:
We're massaging the numbers so that they will agree with our conclusions.
Task force to review:
7 people who are incompetent at their regular jobs have been loaned to
the project
Not well defined at this time:
Nobody's even thought about it.
Still analyzing the requirements:
See previous answer.
Not well understood:
Now that we've thought about it, we don't want to think about it anymore
Requires further analysis and management attention:
Totally out of control!
Turned power on and no smoke detected - this time...
=========================
======
How is sex like riding a bicycle?
You have to keep pumping if you want to get anywhere.
It's best to wear protective head-gear when going into unfamilar territory.
You can do it with no hands, but it's best not to try it until you have a lot of experience.
It's easier to learn with the help of someone who has a lot of experience.
You can do it by yourself, but it's usually not as much fun.
It's usually hard to control your speed the first few times you try.
It's best to have a soft place to land.
You don't need any special clothing, but you can get some if you are really into it.
If you're with someone who is having trouble keeping up, it's usually best to slow down and wait for them.
Most people think it looks easy until they try it for the first time.
(and of course the obvious one)
Once you learn, you never forget how.Subject: Jokes and slideshow screen saver
Date: Wed, 19 Aug 1998 09:17:07 -0700
From: Magic Mike B <mmb
Organization: http://SalesTempsUSA.comTo: "Magic Mike Mailout bcc's" <mmb Hi
I guess my brother is as psychic as me. He picked up on my wanting to find a pic screen saver and sent this link from PC World for screen savers. http://www.pcworld.com/software_lib/data/articles/desktop/screen_savers.html The problem I found was, unless you want to pay for it, shareware lock ups and is a pain to remove from your system, and can lock up or mess with your registry. Freeware, on the other hand is free!. When you view the download, if you scroll down a bit you see the price on shareware downloads.I RECOMMEND THIS ONE below!! "Slideshow Screensaver". It's free! When it's done installing, you select it, and it's properties, AND THE DIRECTORY, the links I've been sending to you, where you save the pics you see! SS makes a folder and save the pic I send in that file. In the screensaver setup, you browse to that directory. THIS screensaver also has 40 cool screen effects that can be selected one, or all. Here is the Win95 version. http://www.pcworld.com/software_lib/data/articles/desktop/5229.html If you are running something else, go to the first link above and you will see a small line to select your platform, then scroll down the list to slideshow screensaver. After downloading and unzipping it, you access it in your control panel, display settings. If it hasn't made itself the main selection, just scroll down and select it. Under its properties you pick the folder you want to use, where you save jpegs. Try enable all 40 effects too! If you want to use gif files you can save them as jpg's with Lview Pro, which is searchable.
Go see a goat in Glacer National Park by Phil Greenspun of MIT.
Have a magic day and pass it on.
Magic Mike http://funandmagic.com/
Subject: Cezanne and Pizza
Date: Tue, 18 Aug 1998 21:58:30 -0700
From: Magic Mike B <mmb@SalesTempsUSA.com
Organization: http://funandmagic.com
To: "Magic Mike Mailout bcc's" <mmb Hi
This is a wonderful Cezanne for your desk, Mont Sainte-Victoire Paul Cézanne, The Met. Museum of Art, New York (Webmuseum, Paris).
Hope you like it. These big photos ARE best viewed as wallpaper because you get the biggest view. Unless you save them to a file and view with a full screen viewer.
Have a magic day and pass it on.
Magic Mike http://funandmagic.com/photolinks2.htm
Amazing Ways To Order A Pizza
1.Ask if you can get a pizza with just crust, no toppings. 2.Call a delivery-only pizza store and insist on "dining in." 3.Using a touch-tone, press random numbers while ordering. Ask the person taking the order to stop doing that. 4.Make up a credit card name. Ask if they accept it. Cheer if they say yes. 5.Use CB lingo where applicable. 6.Order a Big Mac Extra Value Meal. 7.Terminate the call with, "Remember, we never had this conversation." 8.Tell the order taker a rival pizza place is on the other line and you're going with the lowest bidder. 9.Give them your address, exclaim "Oh, just surprise me!" and hang up. 10.Answer their questions with questions. 11.Use these bonus words in the conversation: ROBUST FREE-SPIRITED COST-EFFICIENT UKRAINIAN PUCE. 12.Tell them to put the crust on top this time. 13.Sing the order to the tune of your favorite song from any Metallica CD. 14.Don't name the toppings you want - spell them out. 15.Put an extra edge in your voice when you say "crazy bread." 16.Stutter on the letter "p." 17.Ask for a deal available somewhere else. (e.g. Order "The Edge" from Little Caesar's or a "Cheeser! Cheeser!" from Domino's) 18.Ask what the order taker is wearing. 19.Crack your knuckles into the receiver. 20.Say hello, act stunned for five seconds, then behave as if they called you. 21.Rattle off your order with a determined air. If they ask if you would like drinks with that, panic and become disoriented. 22.Tell the order taker you're depressed. Get him/her to cheer you up. 23.Make a list of exotic cuisines. Order them as toppings. 24.Change your accent every three seconds. 25.Order 52 pepperoni slices prepared in a fractal pattern as follows from an equation you are about to dictate. Ask if they need paper. 26.Act like you know the order taker from somewhere. Say "Bed-Wetters' Camp, right?" 27.Start your order with "I'd like...". A little later, slap yourself and say "No, I don't." 28.If they repeat the order to make sure they have it right, say "OK. That'll be $10.99 please pull up to the first window." 29.Try to rent a pizza. 30.Order while using an electric knife sharpener. 31.Ask if you get to keep the pizza box. When they say yes, heave a sigh of relief. 32.Put the accent on the last syllable of "pepperoni." Use the long "i" sound. 33.Have your pizza "shaken, not stirred." 34.Say "Are you sure this is (Pizza Place)? When they say yes, say "Well, so is this! You've got some explaining to do!" When they finally offer proof that it is, in fact, (Pizza Place), start to cry and ask, "Do you know what it's like to be lied to?" 35.Move the mouthpiece farther and farther from your lips as you speak. When the call ends, jerk the mouthpiece back into place and scream goodbye at the top of your lungs. 36.Tell them to double-check to make sure your pizza is, in fact, dead. 37.Imitate the order taker's voice. 38.Eliminate verbs from your speech. 39.When they say "What would you like?" say, "Huh? Oh, you mean now." 40.Play a sitar in the background. 41.Say it's your anniversary and you'd appreciate if the deliverer hid behind some furniture waiting for your spouse to arrive so you can surprise him/her. 42.Amuse the order taker with little-known facts about country music. 43.Ask to see a menu. 44.Quote Gandhi. 45.Say you'll be able to pay for this when the movie people call back. 46.Ask if they have any idea what is at stake with this pizza. 47.Ask what topping goes best with well-aged Chardonnay. 48.Belch directly into the mouthpiece then tell your dog it should be ashamed. 49.Order a slice, not a whole pizza. 50.Shout "I'm through with men/women! Send me a dozen of your best, Gaston!" 51.Doze off in the middle of the order, catch yourself, and say "Where was I? Who are you?" 52.Psychoanalyze the order taker. 53.Ask what their phone number is. Hang up, call them, and ask again. 54.Order two toppings, then say, "No, they'll start fighting." 55.Learn to properly pronounce the ingredients of a Twinkie. Ask that these be included in the pizza. 56.Call to complain about service. Later, call to say you were drunk and didn't mean it. 57.Tell the order taker to tell the manager to tell his supervisor he's fired. 58.Report a petty theft to the order taker. 59.Use expletives like "Great Caesar's Ghost!" and "Great Scott!" 60.Ask for the guy who took your order last time. 61.If he/she suggests anything, adamantly declare, "I shall not be swayed by your sweet words." 62.Wonder aloud if you should trim those nose hairs. 63.Try to talk while drinking something. Gargle. 64.Start the call with "My Call to (Pizza Place), Take 1, and...action!" 65.Ask if the pizza is organically grown. 66.Ask about pizza maintenance and repair. 67.Be vague with your order. 68.When they repeat your order, say "Again, with a little more OOMPH this time." 69.Using a touch-tone phone, press 9-1-1 every 5 seconds throughout the order. 70.After ordering, say "I wonder what THIS button on the phone does." Simulate a hangup. 71.Start the conversation by reciting today's date and saying, "This may be my last entry." 72.State your order and say that's as far as this relationship is going to get. 73.Ask if they're familiar with the term "spanking a pizza." Make up a description to go with the term. Ask that this be done to your pizza. 74.Say "Kssssssssssssssht" rather loudly into the phone. Ask if they felt that. 75.Detect the order taker's psychic aura. Use it to your advantage. 76.When listing toppings you want on your pizza, include another pizza. 77.Learn to play a blues riff on the harmonica. Stop talking at regular intervals to play it. 78.Ask if they would like to sample your pizza. Suggest an even trade. 79.Perfect a celebrity's voice. Stress that you won't take any crap from some two-bit can't-hack-it pimple-faced gofer. Threaten to hit said gofer with a golf club. 80.Put them on hold. 81.Teach the order taker a secret code. Use the code on all subsequent orders. 82.Mumble, "There's a bomb under your seat." When asked to repeat that, say "I said 'sauce smothered with meat'." 83.Make the first topping you order mushrooms. Make the last thing you say "No mushrooms, please." Hang up before they have a chance to respond. 84.When the order is repeated, change it slightly. When it is repeated again, change it again. On the third time, say "You just don't get it, do you?" 85.When you're given the price, say "Ooooooo, that sounds complicated. I hate math." 86.Haggle. 87.Order a one-inch pizza. 88.Order term life insurance. 89.When they say "Will that be all?" snicker and say "We'll find out, won't we?" 90.Order with a Speak-n-Spell. 91.Ask how many dolphins were killed to make that pizza. 92.While on the phone, fake your voice changing. Fluctuate pitch often. Act embarrassed. 93.Engage in some serious swapping. 94.Dance all around the word "pizza." Avoid saying it at all costs. If he/she says it, say "Please don't mention that word." 95.Have a movie with a good car chase scene playing loudly in the background. Yell "OW!" when a bullet is fired. 96.If he/she suggests a side order, ask why he/she is punishing you. 97.Ask if the pizza has had its shots. 98.Order a steamed pizza. 99.Get taker's name. Later, call exactly on the hour to say, "This is your (time of day) wake-up call, So-and-so." Hang up. Repeat every hour. 100.Offer to pay for the pizza with a public flogging. 101.If any of the above practices are rejected by the order taker, say, in your best pouty voice, "The last guy let me do it."
Subject: Seek and you shall find; knock knock and someone will say "Who's there?"
Date: Mon, 17 Aug 1998 22:17:38 -0700
From: Magic Mike B <mmb@SalesTempsUSA.com
Organization: http://funandmagic.com
To: "Magic Mike Mailout bcc's" <mmb Seek and you shall find, knock, knock and someone will say "Who's there?" - Magic Mike Hi !
How ARE things with you today? NASA and Astro Pic have a pretty dry scientific picture up today. It's not a photo beauty shot EVERY day. Some of the shots are purely informational. I don't send those. I spend some time being a p-jay (pic disk jockey) to find the arty beauty shots of space. So, I have in reserve a fractal planet that is almost as stunning as the real thing. fractal qplanet
It's amazing. It is hard to believe that in a world as awesome ours, and there is nothing else for a LONG ways, that the beings that live here can't live in peace with each other without wanting to kill each other. It's GOT to be a running joke among extraterrestrials.
Beautiful painting by Heade Orchid and hummingbirds
Have a magic, peaceful, kind and beautiful day and pass it on.
Magic Mike parlor.htm
I wrote the above JUST as my brother was sending me this below.
Rules of Life
1. You will receive a body. You may like it or hate it, but it will be yours for the entire period this time around.
2. You will learn lessons. You are enrolled in a full-time, informal school called life. Each day in this school, you will have the opportunity to learn lessons. You may like the lessons or think them irrelevant and stupid.
3. There are no mistakes, only lessons. Growth is a process of trial and error, experimentation. The "failed" experiments are as much a part of the process as the experiment that ultimately "works."4. A lesson is repeated until it is learned. A lesson will be presented to you in various forms until you have learned it. Then you can go on to the next lesson.
5. Learning lessons does not end. There is no part of life that does not contain lessons. If you are alive, there are lessons to be learned.
6. "There" is no better than "here." When your "there" has become a "here," you will simply obtain another "there" that again, looks better than "here."
7. Others are merely mirrors of you. You cannot love or hate something about another person unless it reflects to you something you love or hate about yourself.
8. What you make of your life is up to you. You have all the tools and resources you need; what you do with them is up to you. The choice is yours.9. The answers lie inside you. The answers to life's questions lie inside you. All you need to do is look, listen, and trust.
10. You will forget all this.
=========================
===Three nurses died and went to Heaven, where they were met at the pearly gates by St. Peter. To the first, he asked, "So, what did you used to do back on earth? Why do you think you should be allowed to come into Heaven?" "I was a nurse at an inner city hospital," she replied. "I worked to bring healing and peace to many sufferers, especially poor, helpless children." "Very noble," said St. Peter. "You may enter." And through the gates she went.
To the next he asked the same question. "So, what did you do?" "I was a nurse at a missionary hospital in the Amazon basin," she replied. "I worked with a skeleton crew of doctors and nurses who tried to reach out to as many people across numerous tribes, with a hand of healing and peace, and with the message about God's love." "How touching," said St. Peter. "You, too, may enter." And in she went.
He then came to the last nurse, to whom he asked, "What
did you used to do back on earth?" After some hesitation she explained,
"I was nurse at an HMO." St. Peter pondered this for a moment
and then said, "OK, you may enter. But you can only stay for three
days."
~~~~~~~~
If You See Me Running... The other day, we had a bomb scare here
in Rio Rancho, NM, at the Giant gas station. Of course, the bomb squad
had to be called out to investigate, which in turn brought the news crews.
In the local paper the next day, there was a picture of a bomb squad member,
wearing a shirt that read:
Subject: Bears, comets, and Monet
Date: Mon, 17 Aug 1998 00:07:55 -0700
From: Magic Mike B <mmb@SalesTempsUSA.com
Organization: http://funandmagic.com
To: "Magic Mike Mailout bcc's" <mmb Hi!
Here's three hard wallpaper pics to choose from:
Bears doing a snag and watch in Glacer National Park;
Comet Hyakutake and the Milky Way;
Claude Monet's The Floating Ice.
Have a magic day and pass it on!
Magic Mike
THE ABSOLUTE WORST THINGS TO SAY TO A POLICE OFFICER:
1. I can't reach my license unless you hold my beer.
2. That uniform makes your butt look really big.
3. You're not gonna check the trunk, are you?
4. Didn't I see you get your butt kicked on Cops?
5. I bet I could grab that gun before you finish writing my ticket.
6. Hey, you must have been doing about 125mph to keep up with me.
7. Good job! I thought you had to be in relatively good condition to be a police officer.
8. I was going to be a cop, but I decided to finish high school instead.9. Bad cop!! No donut!!
10. Gee that gut sure doesn't inspire confidence.
11. When you smack the crap out of me make sure you smile pretty for the camcorder.
12. I pay your salary.
13. Gee thanks officer, that's terrific, the last officer only gave me a warning too.
14. Do you know why you pulled me over? OK, just so one of us does.
15. I was trying to keep up with traffic. Yes, I know that there are no other cars around. That's how far they are ahead of me.
16. Sorry, I can't hear you over the radio. No, I am not going to turn it down, I love this song.
17. Well, when I reached down to pick up my bag of crack, my gun fell off my lap and got lodged between the break pedal and the gas pedal, forcing me to speed out of control.
18. Aren't you the guy from the village people??
=========================
===========Creative ways to say someone is stupid.. . because sometimes we just need to say it!!!
some oldies, worth repeating About as sharp as a marble.
A few clowns short of a circus.
Not the brightest bulb on the Christmas tree.
A few fries short of a Happy Meal.
I wish I had a blueprint for his brain, I'm trying to build an idiot.
An experiment in Artificial Stupidity.
He only has one oar in the water.
A few beers short of a six-pack.
Dumber than a box of hair.
A few peas short of a casserole.
Doesn't have all her cornflakes in one bowl.
One Fruit Loop shy of a full bowl.
One taco short of a combo plate.
A few feathers short of a whole duck.
All foam, no beer.
The cheese slid off her cracker.
Body by Fisher, brains by Mattel.
Couldn't pour water out of a boot with instructions on the heel.
He fell out of the Stupid Tree and hit every branch on the way down.
An intellect rivaled only by garden tools.
As smart as bait His chimney is clogged.
Doesn't have all his dogs on one leash.
Elevator doesn't go all the way to the top floor.
Forgot to pay her brain bill.
Her sewing machine's out of thread.
His antenna doesn't pick up all the channels.
His belt doesn't go through all the loops.
If she had another brain, it would be lonely.
Missing a few buttons on his remote control.
No grain in the silo.
Proof that evolution CAN go in reverse.
His receiver is off the hook.
Several nuts short of a full pouch.
Skylight leaks a little. His slinky's kinked.
She went surfing in Nebraska.
Too much yardage between the goal posts.
Not the sharpest knife in the drawer.
The lights are on, but nobody's home.
24 cents short of a full quarter.
The wheel's spinning, but the hamster's dead.
She doesn't have all her chairs around the table.
Not the sharpest tool in the shed.
He's as sharp as a thimble.
A few sandwiches short of a picnic.
If her IQ goes up to 40, she should sell.
About as deep as a saucer of milk.
She's just not exactly the brightest crayon in the box.
He is depriving some village somewhere of its idiot.
The gates are down, the lights are flashing, but the train isn't coming.A few cards short of a full deck.
She could hold an indepth conversation with a chair.
Got a full six pack, but lacks the plastic thingy to hold them together.A room temperature IQ
She's got a photographic memory, but someone forgot to load the film.
Bright as Alaska in December.
Fell out of the family tree.
It's hard to believe that he beat out 100,000 other sperm.
Some drink from the fountain of knowledge, but he just gargled.
Takes him 1.5 hours to watch "60 minutes".
Was left on the Tilt-A-Whirl a bit too long as a baby.
If you gave him a penny for his thoughts, you'd get change back.
He's so dense, light bends around him.
Got into the gene pool while the lifeguard wasn't looking.
Not exactly the cheesiest cheese puff in the bag today.
A few bricks short of a load.
Subject: [Fwd: Planet Proctor PP 98 - 21]
Date: Sun, 16 Aug 1998 00:04:45 -0700
From: Magic Mike B <mmb@SalesTempsUSA.com
Reply-To: http://funandmagic.com/photolinks2.htmOrganization: http://funandmagic.com
To: "Magic Mike Mailout bcc's" <mmb
Hi!
Here's an incredible pic of the nebula around doomed
star about to explode. I hope you enjoy the new photo link page, please
continue to send LINKS of good photo locations. Here's some jokes and a
Planet Proctor Orbit from Phil.
Have a magic day and forward it!
Magic Mike http://funandmagic.com/It was overheard that the USA Olympic Gold medal skier, Picabo Street
is donating the money she gets from endorsements to the local hospital
in Denver. They are going to name a wing of the hospital after her. It
will be called "Picabo, I.C.U."
-
-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=---=-=
-=-=-=-=-=--
How many Baptists does it take to change a light bulb?
CHANGE???????
-=-=-=-=-=-=-=--=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-===-=--
Dakota tribal wisdom says that when you discover you are riding a dead
horse, the best strategy is to dismount. However, in business we often
try other strategies with dead horses, including the following:
1.Buying a stronger whip.
2.Changing riders.
3.Say things like, "This is the way we have always ridden this horse."
4.Appointing a committee to study the horse.
5.Arranging to visit other sites to see how they ride dead horses.
6.Increasing the standards to ride dead horses.
7.Appointing a tiger team to revive the dead horse.
8.Creating a training session to increase our riding ability.
9.Comparing the state of dead horses in todays environment.
10.Change the requirements declaring that "This horse is not dead."
11.Hire contractors to ride the dead horse.
12.Harnessing several dead horses together for increased speed.
13.Declaring that "No horse is too dead to beat."
14.Providing additional funding to increase the horse's performance.
15.Do a Cost Analysis study to see if contractors can ride it cheaper.
16.Purchase a product to make dead horses run faster.
17.Declare the horse is "better, faster and cheaper" dead.
18.Form a quality circle to find uses for dead horses.
19.Revisit the performance requirements for horses.
20.Say this horse was procured with cost as an independent variable.
21.Promote the dead horse to a supervisory position.
Subject: PP 98 - 21Date: Sat, 15 Aug 1998 23:42:58 -0400
From: Phil Proctor <PProctor@compuserve.com
To: AAA <pproctor@compuserve.com ((((((((((((((((((((((((( PLANET PROCTOR 98 - 21
"No matter where you go, there you are" -- Buckaroo Banzai WHERE AM US, ANYWAY? I've been working! And in my business, that means "playing" -- parts, that is. Hard to believe, but in the last few weeks I've been a monk with the other Firesigns in the short film, "God's Clowns" shot 7,000-feet high on Mount Hood in Portland, Oregon: then I put on my "casual business attire" to speak at Ernst & Young's business colloquium on "Complexity" in Cambridge, Mass. where I got to for the first time to watch my daughter, Kristin, act in a scene from "Of Mice and Men." I also got to sit in on her classes at the American Repetory Theatre's Conservatory taught mostly in Russian by passionate instructors from the Moscow Art Theatre, then back to lots of voice-work here in steamin' L.A. But now -- I'm back!
FOR OPENERS The Edward Bulwar Lytton prize is awarded every year to the author of the worst possible opening line of a book, and Penguin now publishes five booksworth of entries. Some recent winners: "Just beyond the Narrows the river widens. Andre, a simple peasant, had only one thing on his mind as he crept along the east wall: "Andre creep . . . Andre creep . . .Andre creep....Stanley looked quite bored and somewhat detached, but then penguins often do. With a curvaceous figure that Venus would have envied, a tanned, unblemished oval face framed with lustrous thick brown hair, deep azure-blue eyes fringed with long black lashes, perfect teeth that vied for competition, and a small straight nose, Marilee had a beauty that defied description. Stanislaus Smedley, a man always on the cutting edge of narcissism, was about to give his body and soul to a back-alley sex-change surgeon-to become the woman he loved. Mike Hardware was the kind of private eye who didn't know the meaning of the word "fear," a man who could laugh in the face of danger and spit in the eye of death -- in short, a moron with suicidal tendencies. As a scientist, Throckmorton knew that if he were ever to break wind in the sound chamber he would never hear the end of it. The sun oozed over the horizon, shoved aside darkness, crept along the greensward, and, with sickly fingers, pushed through the castle window, revealing the pillaged princess, hand at throat, crown asunder, gaping in frenzied horror at the sated, sodden amphibian lying beside her, disbelieving the magnitude of the frog's deception, screaming madly, "You lied!"
SOAP AND WATER Aaron Spelling aired a so-called "Shock Wave" event featuring a quake and tsunami hitting NBC's soap "Sunset Beach" on the same day that a village in Papua, New Guinea was wiped out by a real tidal wave. His office said they were "devastated" by the coincidence.
ROBOT'S RULES OF DISORDER According to Micheal J. Ybarra in the L.A. Times, "Robotica", a robot fighting "party" scheduled for this weekend in San Francisco, has been canceled due to a business dispute. Disappointed fans of the annual "Robot Wars" which began in 1994, would not be able to watch 56 remote-controlled machines destroying each other, since one of the battling partners says in a marvelously mixed metaphor, Robotica is just "Robot Wars in sheep's clothing...it looks like a commercial event." So no one will get to watch happy robots "flip, saw and impale each other in a storm of sparks, smoke and flying shrapnel." Gary Cline, who had hoped to stage the event at the Cow Palace says, "All I was doing was trying to have a party. I wasn't trying to make money. I've lost everything. My dream. My faith. Everything." I'd cry, too, if I only had a heart...
JUNK MAIL Dave Ossman sent me the following definition of "Junk" from the South Whidbey Record: "Any manufactured good, appliance, fixture, furniture, machinery, vehicle, personal property or any other thing or part thereof, whether of value or valueless, that is demolished, discarded, dilapidated, or so worn and deteriorated that it would not be normally usable in its current state for its original manufactured use." "We get serious when we see more than one type of junk on a piece of property, " adds Phil Bakke, local enforccement officer.
"Two-thirds of all the lawyers in the world are in America." Gore Vidal
FLY ME "Mnarz" claims this is a true story that happened during the final days at Denver's old Stapleton airport when a crowded United flight was canceled and a single agent had to rebook a long line of inconvenienced travelers. Suddenly, an angry passenger pushed his way to the desk, slapped his ticket down on the counter and said, "I HAVE to be on this flight and it has to be FIRST CLASS.' "I'm sorry sir," the agent replied, "I'll be happy to help you but I've got to take care of these folks first, and then I'm sure we'll be able to work something out." The passenger was unimpressed and yelled, "Do you have any idea who I am?" Without hesitating the gate agent smiled, grabbed her public address microphone and announced, "May I have your attention, please? We have a passenger here at the gate WHO DOES NOT KNOW WHO HE IS. If anyone can help him find his identity, please come to gate 17." With the folks behind him in line laughing hysterically, the man glared at the United Agent and said,"F--- you." "I'm sorry sir," she responded calmly, "but you'll have to stand in line for that too."
THREE STRIKES, YOU'RE OUT! PRILEP, Macedonia (AP) Outside a small Macedonian village close to the border between Greece and strife-torn Yugoslavia, a lone Catholic nun 53-year-old Sister Maria Cyrilla keeps a quiet watch over a silent convent. She is the last caretaker of the site of significan't historical developments spanning more than 2,000 years. Historians say that Attila took over the old temple in 439 A.D. and used it as a base for his marauding army. The Huns are believed to have first collected and then destroyed a large gathering of Greek legal writs at the site. Scholars differ on why he had the valuable documents destroyed - either because he was barely literate and couldn't read them, or because they provided evidence of democratic government that did not square with his own notion of rule by an all-powerful tyrant. In more ancient times, a Greek temple to Eros, the god of love, occupied the hilltop site, but when the Greek church took over the site in the 15th Century and the convent was built, church leaders ordered the pagan statue of Eros destroyed, so another ancient Greek treasure was lost. Today, there is only the lone sister, watching over the old Hun base, amidst the strife of war torn Yugoslavia. No Huns, no writs, no Eros, and nun left on base. (Professor James Marrow)
TWO STRIKES, YOU'RE OUT Merl "Mr. Puzzle" Reagle "writes" in response to Mayor Ed Koch's "People's Court" ruling in favor of a topless dancer who allegedly had clubbed a nightclubber with her boobs, that "here in Tampa, where it took place, that boobs-in-the-face case involving Tawny Peaks was immediately dubbed -- THE DOUBLE-BREASTED SUIT. No kidding. just thought you needed to know that." "If money really made the world go 'round, I would write a big check to make it spin faster during the day. That way, I wouldn't have to spend so much time at work." (Paul Paternoster)
OH, MY GOD A newly formed Religious Right Organization wants Arkansas to set up special Christian learning institutions but the group's leader, Kathy Smith, says they do not favor public prayer in schools. "I asked God. He said no... (because) they could pray to Buddha. God doesn't want that. There's only one God." The late conservative Barry Goldwater said, "Religious factions will go on imposing their will on others. They must learn to make their views known without trying to make them the only alternatives." (ggordon)
"Only in America... do we use answering machines to screen calls and then Have call waiting so we won't miss a call from someone we didn't want to talk to in the first place..." - Yakov Smirnoff
DON'T MONK-EY WITH HIM! LHASA, TIBET - Employing the brash style that first brought him to prominence, Sri Dhananjai Bikram won the fifth annual International Yogi Competition yesterday with a world-record point total of 873.6. "I am the serenest!" Bikram shouted to the estimated crowd of 20,000 yoga fans, vigorously pumping his fists. "No one is serener than Sri Dhananjai Bikram. I am the greatest monk of all time!" Bikram averaged 1.89 breaths a minute during the two-hour competition, nearly .3 fewer than his nearest competitor, second-place finisher and two-time champion Sri Salil "The Hammer" Gupta. Bikram got off to a fast start at the Lhasa meet, which like most major competitions, is a six-event affair. In the first event, he attained total consciousness (TC) in just 2 minutes, 34 seconds, and set the tone for the rest of the meet by repeatedly shouting, "I'm blissful! You blissful?! I'm blissful!" to the other yogis. But event number four, the contemplation of unanswerable riddles known as koans, proved the key to victory for Bikram.The koan had long been thought the weak point of his spiritual arsenal, but his response to today's riddle: "Show me the face you had before you were born" was reportedly "extremely illuminative." While koan answers are kept secret from the public for fear of exposing the uninitiated multitudes to the terror of universal truth, insiders claim his answer left the judges "highly enlightened."
SIMPSON SAYS "Television - teacher, mother, secret lover! I want to share something with you - the three sentences that will get you through life. Number one, 'cover for me.' Number two, 'oh,good idea, boss.' Number three, 'it was like that when I got here.' If you really want something in life you have to work for it. Now be quiet, they're about to announce the lottery numbers. Marge, it takes two to lie. One to lie and one to listen. Weaseling out of things is important to learn. It's what separates us from the animals! Except the weasel. We live in a society of laws. Why do you think I took you to all those Police Academy movies? For fun? Well I didn't hear anybody laughin', did you? Lisa, if the Bible has taught us nothing else - and it hasn't - it's that girls should stick to girls' sports, such as hot oil wrestling and foxy boxing and such and such. And son, when you participate in sporting events, it's not whether you win or lose: it's how drunk you get. To alcohol! The cause of - and solution to - all of life's problems! And don't let Krusty's death get you down, boy. People die all the time. Just like that. Why, you could wake up dead tomorrow. Well, good night." -- Homer Simpson from Marv Wolfman
GUMP FLUSHED I know we've lost a lot of icons lately, including Lambchop and H. Doody, but did you know that Massena ``Andy'' Gump, whose portable toilet empire brought convenient relief to millions of Southern Californians for more than 40 years, died Monday? He was 88. Gump built his first five portable toilets out of plywood in his garage after a law was passed in the 1950s requiring toilets at construction sites. Now a $7 million company with nearly 100 employees, Andy Gump Inc. rents shower trailers, portable toilets, solar-powered restrooms and VIP restrooms complete with air conditioning, oak cabinets, flush toilets and mirrors.
"Minutus can'torum, minutus balorum, minutus carborata descendum pantorum." (A little song, a little dance, a little seltzer down your pants.)
+++++++++++(7/15/98)++++++++++ * PLANET PROCTOR: http://www.clark.net/pub/rarnold/firesign/pp * "FUNNY TIMES": http://www.funnytimes.com * FIREZINE: $15.00 per annum http://www.intrepid.net/~firezine/ * FIRESIGN PRODUCT http://www.lodestone-media.com
PLANET PROCTOR (C) 1998 by Phil Proctor
Subject: Act naturally Almost exactly Legally drunk Sweet sorrow Clearly misunderstood
Devout atheists Alone together Taped live
Date: Sat, 15 Aug 1998 09:25:05 -0700
From: Magic Mike B <mmb
Reply-To: http://funandmagic.com/photolinks2.htmOrganization: http://funandmagic.com
To: "Magic Mike Mailout bcc's" <mmb Hi
Today's wallpaper photo link is a cluster of galaxies in Perseus.
I always thought an oxymoron was someone who was too stupid to breathe.Have a magic day and forward it.
Top 50 OXYMORONS 50. Act naturally 49. Found missing 48. Resident alien 47. Advanced BASIC 46. Genuine imitation 45. Airline Food 44. Good grief 43. Same difference 42. Almost exactly 41. Government organization 40. Sanitary landfill 39. Alone together 38. Legally drunk 37. Silent scream 36. American history 35. Living dead 34. Small crowd 33. Business ethics 32. Soft rock 31. Butt Head 30. Hot Chili 29. Software documentation 28. New York culture 27. New classic 26. Sweet sorrow 25. Childproof 24. "Now, then ..." 23. Synthetic natural gas 22. Devout atheists 21. Passive aggression 20. Taped live 19. Clearly misunderstood 18. Peace force 17. Extinct Life 16. Temporary tax increase 15. Computer jock 14. Plastic glasses 13. Terribly pleased 12. Computer security 11. Political science 10. Tight slacks 9. Definite maybe 8. Pretty ugly 7. Twelve-ounce pound cake 6. Diet ice cream 5. Rap music 4. Working vacation 3. Exact estimate 2. Religious tolerance And the number one top oxymoron: 1. Microsoft Works
Subject: Phriday Phunnies
Date: Fri, 14 Aug 1998 07:43:33 -0700
From: Magic Mike B <mmb
Organization: http://SalesTempsUSA.comTo: "Magic Mike Mailout bcc's" <mmb
Hi!
TGIF !! If you go out dancing tonight, try the crayon
tango for your desktop.
Have a magic day and forward it!
Magic Mike
10., "Can I try on that absolutely darling little beret?"
9. Is it all right if my son Ringo asks a few questions?"
8. "In a past life, did you sleep with President Kennedy?"
7. "Was your security clearance at level 36C -- uh, I mean, level C?"
6. "Is that hair gel?"
5. "Could you have a talk with my intern?"
4. "In the course of your encounters, did the President ever yell, 'Yee Hah!'?"
3. "Are you mad at me for ruining your entire adult life?"
2. "Is it true he asked you if you would like to 'go down in history'?"1. "Did you inhale?"
Subject: What do you get when you cross peanut butter with an elephant?
Date: Thu, 13 Aug 1998 18:10:58 -0700
From: Magic Mike B <mmb
To: "Magic Mike Magic
Mailout and bcc's" <mmb
Hi! Did you know Earth has two moons?
MIR, and Luna.
Have a Magic day and pass it on!
Magic Mike http://funandmagic.com/photolinks2.htm
What is brown, has four feet, and is found in Alaska?A lost camel.
What's tall and smells nice?
A giraff-odil.
What does a vampire stand on after taking a shower?
A bat mat.
What do you get when you cross a rooster and a bell?
An alarm cluck.
What do you get when you cross peanut butter with an elephant?You either get peanut butter that never forgets, or an elephant that sticks to the roof of your mouth.
What do you get when you cross a cactus and a porcupine?Sore hands.Subject: God is dead. -Nietzsche Nietzsche is dead. -God
Date: Wed, 12 Aug 1998 23:26:52 -0700
From: Magic Mike B <mmb
To: "mmb and Bcc's" <mmb
Hi!
"Sky Pilot, how can you fly? You'll never reach the sky!" Until,
the Pathfinder, mocking Daedilus, flew higher than any propeller plane
before. Solar panel wings power the 30 foot winged remote controlled craft,
which is capable of staying up for over a week!
Pathfinder solar airplaneThis monarch butterfly flies
a long journey too!
Have a magic day and forward it along!
Magic Mike http://funandmagic.com/photolinks2.htm
What do you call it?
The wives of four World presidents and prime minister are talking together
about how a penis is called in their language.
The wife of Tony Blair says in England people call it a gentleman, because it stands up when women are entering.
The wife of Boris Yeltsin says in Russia you call it a patriot, because you never know if it will hit you on the front or on the back side.
The wife of Chirac says in France you call it a curtain, because it goes down after the act.
Well the wife of Clinton says in the USA you call it a rumor, because it goes from mouth to mouth.-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=
-=-
Q. What do Monica Lewinsky and A Soda machine have in
Common
A. They both have a slot that says "Insert Bill Here"
**************
Q. How did we know that Monica would testify?
A. Because she has a history of not being able to keep her mouth closed.********************
Q: How do you make 5 pounds of fat look good?
A: Put a nipple on it.
Q: What should you do if your girlfriend starts smoking?A: Slow down and use a lubrican't.
************************** .
"Similarities between Nixon and Clinton"
Nixon: Watergate
Clinton: Waterbed
Nixon: His biggest fear - the Cold War
Clinton: His biggest fear - a Cold Sore
Nixon: Worried about carpet bombs
Clinton: Worried about carpet burns
Nixon: His Vice President was a Greek
Clinton: His Vice President is a geek
Nixon: Couldn't stop Kissinger
Clinton: Couldn't stop kissing her
Nixon: Couldn't explain the 18 minute gap in the Watergate
tape
Clinton: Couldn't explain the 36-DD bra in his brief case
Nixon: His nickname was Tricky Dick
Clinton: same
Nixon: Ex-President
Clinton: Sex-President
Nixon: Known for campaign slogan "Nixon's The One"Clinton: Known for women pointing at him saying, "He's the one!"
Nixon: Famous for his widow's peak
Clinton: Famous for bringing widows to their peak
Nixon: Well acquainted with G. Gordon Liddy
Clinton: Well acquainted with the G Spot
Nixon: Took on Ho Chi Minh
Clinton: Took on Ho
Nixon: Talked about achieving peace with honor
Clinton: Talked about getting a piece while on her *****************************No matter how good she looks, some other guy is sick and tired of putting
up with her shit.
* Men's Room, Linda's Bar and Grill, Chapel Hill, North Carolina.
God is dead. -Nietzsche Nietzsche is dead. -God * The
Tombs Restaurant, Washington, D.C.
*****************
Southwest Airlines makes humor their first priority.
The president of Southwest says that if you don't have a sense of humor,
you'll never be hired at Southwest. If you've ever flown Southwest, you'll
hear a few of these lines and many others.
Here are some actual humorous statements by several airline flights crews. Occasionally, airline attendants make an effort to make the "in-flight safety lecture" a bit more entertaining. Here are some real examples that have been heard or reported:
"As we prepare for takeoff, please make sure your tray tables and seat backs are fully upright in their most uncomfortable position."
"There may be 50 ways to leave your lover, but there are only 4 ways out of this airplane..."
"Your seat cushions can be used for floatation, and in the event of an emergency water landing, please take them with our compliments."
"We do feature a smoking section on this flight; if you must smoke, contact a member of the flight crew and we will escort you to the wing of the airplane."
"Smoking in the lavatories is prohibited. Any person caught smoking in the lavatories will be asked to leave the plane immediately."
"Good morning. As we leave Dallas, it's warm, the sun is shining, and the birds are singing. We are going to Charlotte, where it's dark, windy and raining. Why in the world y'all wanna go there I really don't know."
Pilot - "Folks, we have reached our cruising altitude now, so I am going to switch the seat belt sign off. Feel free to move about as you wish, but please stay inside the plane till we land... it's a bit cold outside, and if you walk on the wings it affects the flight pattern."
Pilot - "Folks, if you were with us last week, we never got around to mentioning that it was National Procrastination day. If you get a chance this week, please try to celebrate it. If you can't get to it, then maybe try to do it at the weekend, but no big rush. Have a nice day."
And, after landing: "Thank you for flying Delta Business Express. We hope you enjoyed giving us the business as much as we enjoyed taking you for a ride."
As we waited just off the runway for another airliner to cross in front of us, some of the passengers were beginning to retrieve luggage from the overhead bins. The head steward announced on the intercom, "This aircraft is equipped with a video surveillance system that monitors the cabin during taxiing. Any passengers not remaining in their seats until the aircraft comes to a full and complete stop at the gate will be strip-searched as they leave the aircraft.
A frequent line used at the end of a flight is, "Our flight attendants are now walking through the aisles with trash receptacles for any garbage you might have or anything else that you might wanna give us!"
Once on a Southwest flight, the pilot said, "We've reached our cruisingaltitude now, and I'm turning off the seat belt sign. I'm switching to autopilot, too, so I can come back there and visit with all of you for the rest of the flight."
As the plane landed and was coming to a stop at Washington National, a lone voice comes over the loudspeaker: "Whoa, big fella...WHOA..!"
"Should the cabin loose pressure, oxygen masks will drop from the overhead area. Please place the bag over your own mouth and nose before assisting children or adults acting like children."
"As you exit the plane, please make sure to sure to gather all of your belongings. Anything left behind will be distributed evenly among the flight attendants. Please do not leave children or spouses."
"Last one off the plane must clean it."
"If you are so lucky to be traveling with small children..."
And from the pilot during his welcome message: "We are pleased to have some of the best flight attendants in the industry... Unfortunately none of them are on this flight...!
This is an actual joke I heard on Southwest Airlines, just after a very hard landing in Salt Lake City; one of the most bone jarring I've experienced. The steward came on the intercom and said, "That was quite a bump and I know what ya'll are thinking. I'm here to tell you it wasn't the airlines fault, it wasn't the pilots fault, it wasn't the flight attendants fault.....it was the asphalt!"
From a Southwest Airlines employee.... "Welcome aboard Southwest Flight XXX, to YYY. To operate your seatbelt, insert the metal tab into the buckle, and pull tight. It works just like every other seatbelt, and if you don't know how to operate one, you probably shouldn't be out in public unsupervised. In the event of a sudden loss of cabin pressure, oxygen masks will descend from the ceiling. Stop screaming, grab the mask, and pull it over your face. If you have a small child traveling with you, secure your mask before assisting with theirs. If you are traveling with two small children, decide now which one you love more. Weather at our destination is 50 degrees with some brokenclouds, but they'll try to have them fixed before we arrive. Thank you, and remember, nobody loves you, or your money, more than Southwest Airlines."
Overheard on an American Airlines flight into Amarillo, Texas, on a particularly windy and bumpy day. During the final approach the Captain was really having to fight it. After an extremely hard landing, the Flight Attendant came on the PA and announced, "Ladies and Gentlemen, welcome to Amarillo. Please remain in your seats with your seatbelts fastened while the Captain taxis what's left of our airplane to the gate!"
Another flight Attendant's comment on a less than perfect landing: "We ask you to please remain seated as Captain Kangaroo bounces us to the terminal."Subject: It's a marvelous day for a sun dance
Date: Tue, 11 Aug 1998 16:22:31 -0700
From: Magic Mike B <mmb@SalesTempsUSA.com
To: "Magic Mailout list - (bcc)" <mmb Hi!
If Van Morrison saw THIS picture, the song wouldn't have been Moondance.SunDance
Another fractal, Onyx FallsThis kitty would prefer blood, than milk. jungle cat It's a jungle out there! Have a magic day and forward it!
Magic Mike http://funandmagic.com/photolinks2.htm"if your not living on the edge, your not out far enough"
-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=
-=-=-=-=
The Lone Ranger and Tonto come into town from a hard and hot summer month
of chasing down bad guys. The Lone Ranger turns to Tonto and says "I'll
go into the bar and get us something cold to drink, you stay here and watch
the horses. Better yet since the horses are really hot why don't you run
around them and create a breeze that will cool them down."
Tonto abides by his trusted companion's suggestion and runs around the horses as fast as he can, meanwhile the Lone Ranger goes into the bar for the drinks. While the Lone Ranger is standing at the bar waiting for the drinks a stranger taps him on the shoulder and inquires "Hey, are you the Lone Ranger?"
"Yes I am," her answers, "why?" "Well
because I think you left your injun running."
=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-
-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=---=-=
-=-=-==-=-
A man went to a hearing specialist, and told the doctor, "my wife
is deaf." "How deaf is she?" The doctor asked. The man said,
"I don't have the slightest idea." The doctor said "when
you go home, stand at the opposite side of the room, and say 'what's for
dinner?' Move up 1 step and ask again. Continue this until she hears you."
No answer. He moved up "what's for dinner?" Still no answer.He moved up three more steps. "What's for dinner?" Still no answer.He move up until he was standing two inches away from her and yelled
"WHAT'S' FOR DINNER???"
She looked at him and said "roast beef for the fourth time.
=
-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=
====-=-=-=-=-=-==-
old one but what the hell!!!
A grizzled old man was eating in a truck stop when three Hell's Angels'
bikers walked in. The first walked up to the old man, pushed his cigarette
into the old man's pie and then took a seat at the counter. The second
walked up to the old man, spat into the old man's milk and then he too
took a seat at the counter. The third walked up to the old man, turned
over the old man's plate, and then he took a seat at the counter.
Without a word of protest, the old man quietly left the diner. Shortly thereafter, one of the bikers said to the waitress, "Humph, not much of a man, was he?"
The waitress replied, "Not much of a truck driver either, he just backed his big-rig over three motorcycles."-=-=
-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=---=-=
-=-=-=-=-=-=-=
Senility Acceptance?
God grant me the Senility
to forget the people I never liked anyway,
the good fortune
to run into the ones I do,
and the eyesight to tell the difference.
-=-
-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=
-=-=-=-=-=-=-
The makers of Viagra are announcing that they have developed a pill to increase vaginal wetness in females. The new pill will be called Niagra.Subject: stupid people tricks
Date: Sun, 09 Aug 1998 08:35:34 +0000
From: Magic Mike B <mmb@SalesTempsUSA.com
To: "mmb and bcc's" <mmb
Hi
Here are stupid people tricks. There are new ones for you at the top or
bottom, depending on who sent which set to me. Here's some wallpaper. Have
a magic day and forward it. You have to have a better day than the Darwinies.Shapley 1: Planetary NebulaToo cute cat
Door #23
The Darwin Awards
You may recall last year's Darwin Award winner: The man who found out moments before making a 300 MPH dent in an Arizona cliff that the JATO (jet assist take off) unit he'd strapped to his car could not be turned off once it was turned on.
And 1994's winner was the fellow who was killed by a Coke machine which toppled on top of him as he was attempting to tip a free soda out of it.
The list of nominees: (attributions given where possible)
NOMINEE #1 [San Jose Mercury News] An unidentified man, using a shotgun like a club to break a former girlfriend's windshield, accidentally shot himself to death when the gun discharged, blowing a hole in his gut.
NOMINEE #2 [Kalamazoo Gazette, 4-1-95] James Burns, 34, of Alamo, Michigan, was killed in March as he was trying to repair what police described as a "farm-type truck." Burns got a friend to drive the truck on a highway while Burns hung underneath so that he could ascertain the source of a troubling noise. Burns' clothes caught on something, however, and the other man found Burns "wrapped in the drive shaft."
NOMINEE #3 [Reuters, Mississauga, Ontario] Man slips, falls 23 stories to his death. A man cleaning a bird feeder on the balcony of his condominium apartment in this Toronto suburb slipped and fell 23 stories to his death, police said Monday. Stefan Macko, 55, was standing on a wheeled chair Sunday when the accident occurred, said Inspector D'Arcy Honer of the Peel regional police. "It appears the chair moved and he went over the balcony," Honer said. "It's one of those freak accidents. No foul play is suspected."
NOMINEE #4 [Hickory, Daily Record 12/21/92] Ken Charles Barger, 47, accidentally shot himself to death in December in Newton, N.C., when, awakening to the sound of a ringing telephone beside his bed, he reached for the phone but grabbed instead a Smith & Wesson 38 Special, which discharged when he drew it to his ear.
NOMINEE #5 [UPI, Toronto] Police said a lawyer demonstrating the safety of windows in a downtown Toronto skyscraper crashed through a pane with his shoulder and plunged 24 floors to his death. A police spokesman said Garry Hoy, 39, fell into the courtyard of the Toronto Dominion Bank Tower early Friday evening as he was explaining the strength of the building's windows to visiting law students. Hoy previously had conducted demonstrations of window strength according to police reports. Peter Lauwers, managing partner of the firm Holden Day Wilson, told the Toronto Sun newspaper that Hoy was "one of the best and brightest" members of the 200-man association.
NOMINEE #6 [AP, Cairo, Egypt, 31 Aug 1995 CAIRO, Egypt (AP)] Six people drowned Monday while trying to rescue a chicken that had fallen into a well in southern Egypt. An 18-year-old farmer was the first to descend into the 60-foot well. He drowned, apparently after an undercurrent in the water pulled him down, police said. His sister and two brothers, none of whom could swim well, went in one by one to help him, but also drowned. Two elderly farmers then came to help, but they apparently were pulled by the same undercurrent. The bodies of the six were later pulled out of the well in the village of Nazlat Imara, 240 miles south of Cairo. The chicken was also pulled out. It survived.
NOMINEE #7 [Bloomburg News Service, 25 March] A terrible diet and room with no ventilation are being blamed for the death of a man who was killed by his own gas. There was no mark on his body but autopsy showed large amounts of methane gas in his system. His diet had consisted primarily of beans and cabbage (and a couple of other things). It was just the right combination of foods. It appears that the man died in his sleep from breathing the poisonous cloud that was hanging over his bed. Had he been outside or had his windows been opened, it wouldn't have been fatal. But the man was shut up in his near airtight bedroom. He was ". . . a big man with a huge capacity for creating [this deadly gas]." Three of the rescuers got sick and one was hospitalized.
NOMINEE #8 [18 May 93, San Jose Mercury News] A 24-year-old salesman from Hialeah, Fla., was killed near Lantana, Fla., in March when his car smashed into a pole in the median strip of Interstate 95 in the middle of the afternoon. Police said that the man was traveling at 80 MPH and, judging by the sales manual that was found open and clutched to his chest, had been busy reading.
NOMINEE #9 [1/29/96 The News of the weird.] Michael Anderson Godwin made News of the Weird posthumously in 1989. He had spent several years awaiting South Carolina's electric chair on a murder conviction before having his sentence reduced to life in prison. In March 1989, sitting on a metal toilet in his cell and attempting to fix his small TV set, he bit into a wire and was electrocuted.
On Jan. 1, 1997, Laurence Baker, also a convicted murderer once on death row, but later serving a life sentence at the state prison in Pittsburgh, Pa., was electrocuted by his homemade earphones as he watched his small TV while sitting on his metal toilet.
NOMINEE #10 ["The Indianapolis Star", Wed., Dec. 4, 1996]. Cigarette lighter may have triggered fatal explosion Dunkirk, Indiana. A Jay County man using a cigarette lighter to check the barrel of a muzzleloader was killed Monday night when the weapon discharged in his face, sheriff's investigators said. Gregory David Pryor, 19, died in his parents' rural Dunkirk home about 11:30 p.m. Investigators said Pryor was cleaning a .54-caliber muzzleloader that had not been firing properly. He was using the lighter to look into the barrel when the gunpowder ignited.
NOMINEE #11 [AP, Mammoth Lakes] A San Anselmo man died yesterday when he hit a lift tower at the Mammoth Mountain ski area while riding down the slope on a foam pad, authorities said. Matthew David Hubal, 22, was pronounced dead at Centinela Mammoth Hospital. The accident occurred about 3 a.m., the Mono County Sheriff's Department said. Hubal and his friends apparently had hiked up a ski run called Stump Alley and undid some yellow foam protectors from the lift towers, said Lieutenant Mike Donnelly of the Mammoth Lakes Police Department.
The pads are used to protect skiers who might hit the towers. The group apparently used the pads to slide down the ski slope and Hubal crashed into a tower. It was not clear if the tower he hit was one with its pad removed. "With the cold temperatures, the snow was probably pretty fast," said Donnelly.
NOMINEE #12 - A poacher electrocuting fish in a lake in central Poland fell into the water and suffered the same fate as his quarry, police said Thursday. The 24-year-old man was one of four who went fishing with a cable, one end of which they attached to a net and the other to a high-voltage electricity supply line, the PAP news agency quoted a police official in Wloclawek as saying. "For a while everything went according to the poachers' plan and they had fish in their bags. But at a certain moment the man holding the net tripped and fell into the water," the agency said. The other poachers tried in vain to revive him, it said.
NOMINEE 13 [Unknown] To poacher Marino Malerba, who shot a stag standing above him on an overhanging rock -- and was killed instantly when it fell on him.
NOMINEE 14 [Associated Press, Kincaid, W. VA] Blasting Cap Explodes in Man's Mouth at Party. A man at a party popped a blasting cap into his mouth and bit down, triggering an explosion that blew off his lips, teeth and tongue, state police said Wednesday. Jerry Stromyer, 24, of Kincaid, bit the blasting cap as a prank during a party.
AND THE NEWEST CANDIDATES: John Pernicky and friend Sal Hawkins, of the great state of Washington, decided to attend a local Metallica concert at the Amphitheater at Gorge, Washington. Having no tickets, but 18 beers among them they sat in the parking lot and after finishing the beer, decided that it would be easy enough to hop over the nine foot high fence and sneak into the show. The two friends pulled their pickup truck over to the fence and the plan was for John, 100 pounds heavier than Sal, to hop over, and then assist his friend over the fence. Unfortunately for John, the Fence was a 30 foot drop on the other side. Having heaved himself over he found himself crashing through a tree, falling to the ground. His fall was abruptly stopped by a large branch which had been snagged by his shorts. Dangling from the tree, with one arm broken, John looked down and saw a group of bushes below him. Figuring the bushes would break his fall, John removed his pocket knife and proceed to cut away his shorts to free himself from the tree. When finally free, John crashed below into holly bushes, The sharp leaves scratched his whole body, and now being without his shorts he was the unwilling victim of a holly branch penetrating his rectal cavity. To make matters worse, his pocket knife proceeded to fall with him and landed three inches into his left thigh. Seeing his friend in considerable pain and agony, Sal decided to throw him a rope and pull him to safety. However, weighing about 100 pounds less, he decided the best course of action would be to tie the rope to the pickup truck.
This is when things went really bad.
Sal in his drunken state, put the truck into the wrong gear, and proceeded to press on the gas and crash through the fence, landing on and killing his friend. Sal was thrown from the truck, suffered massive internal injuries and died at the scene. Police arrived to find a pickup truck with its driver thrown 100 feet from the vehicle and, upon moving the truck, a half naked man with numerous scratches, a holly stick up his butt, a knife in his thigh and a pair of shorts dangling from the trees 25 feet in the air.
This submission from Jesse Bushman, our new friend in Congress:
Two gentlemen decided to go fishing using small explosives (M-something or other) equivalent to 1/4 stick of dynamite. Well, while out in their boat one of them lit an explosive and tossed it into the water. At the same time the wind picked up and blew the explosive up against the side of the boat. The explosive proceeded to blow a hole in the vessel and it promptly sank. One man was able to swim to shore and the other drowned. Whether the deceased was the one who so brilliantly tossed the bomb into the wind was, unfortunately, not stated.
-- In rural Carbon County, PA, a group of men were drinking beer and discharging firearms from the rear deck of a home owned by Irving Michaels, age 27. The men were firing at a raccoon that was wandering by, but the beer apparently impaired their aim and, despite of the estimated 35 shots the group fired, the animal escaped into a 3 foot diameter drainage pipe some 100 feet away from Mr. Michaels' deck. Determined to terminate the animal, Mr. Michaels retrieved a can of gasoline and poured some down the pipe, intending to smoke the animal out. After several unsuccessful attempts to ignite the fuel, Michaels emptied the entire 5 gallon fuel can down the pipe and tried to ignite it again, to no avail. Not one to admit defeat by wildlife, the determined Mr. Michaels proceeded to slide feet-first approximately 15 feet down the sloping pipe to toss the match. The subsequent rapidly expanding fireball propelled Mr. Michaels back the way he had come, though at a much higher rate of speed. He exited the angled pipe "like a Polaris missile leaves a submarine," according to witness Joseph McFadden, 31. Mr. Michaels was launched directly over his own home, right over the heads of his astonished friends, onto his front lawn. In all, he traveled over 200 feet through the air. "There was a Doppler Effect to his scream as he flew over us," McFadden reported, "Followed by a loud thud." Amazingly, he suffered only minor injuries. "It was actually pretty cool," Michaels said, "Like when they shoot someone out of a cannon at the circus. I'd do it again if I was sure I wouldn't get hurt." [Editor's Note: As Mr. Michaels survived, he is therefore ineligible for inclusion, and his escapade is listed here only for the amusement of the reader.]
-- Los Angeles, CA. Ani Saduki, 33, and his brother decided to remove a bee's nest from a shed on their property with the aid of a "pineapple." A pineapple is an illegal firecracker which is the explosive equivalent of one-half stick of dynamite. They ignited the fuse and retreated to watch from inside their home, behind a window some 10 feet away from the hive/shed. The concussion of the explosion shattered the window inwards, seriously lacerating Ani. Deciding Mr. Saduki needed stitches, the brothers headed out to go to a nearby hospital. While walking towards their car, Ian was stung three times by the surviving bees. Unbeknownst to either brother, Ani was allergic to bee venom, and died of suffocation en route to the hospital.
-- Derrick L. Richards, 28, was charged in April in Minneapolis with third-degree murder in the death of his beloved cousin, Kenneth E. Richards. According to police, Derrick suggested a game of Russian roulette and put a semiautomatic pistol (instead of the more traditional revolver) to Ken's head and fired.
-- Phillipsburg, NJ. An unidentified 29 year old male choked to death on a sequined pastie he had orally removed from an exotic dancer at a local establishment. "I didn't think he was going to eat it," the dancer identified only as "Ginger" said, adding "He was really drunk."
-- Kerry Bingham had been drinking with several friends when one of them said they knew a person who had bungee-jumped from the Middle of the Tacoma Narrows Bridge. The conversation grew more heated and at least 10 men trooped along the walkway of the bridge at 4:30 a.m. Upon arrival at the midpoint of the bridge they discovered that no one had brought bungee rope. Bingham, who had continued drinking, volunteered and pointed out that a coil of lineman's cable lay nearby. One end of the cable was secured around Bingham's leg and the other end was tied to the bridge. His fall lasted 40 feet before the cable tightened and pulled his foot off at the ankle. He miraculously survived his fall into the frigid waters of the Tacoma Narrows and Puget Sound and was rescued by two nearby fishermen. "All I can say," said Bingham, "Is that God was watching out for me on that night. There's just no other explanation for it." Bingham's severed foot was never located. [Editor's Note: Again, no death, no award. But what an idiot, eh?]
-- A drunk security man asked a colleague at the Moscow bank they were guarding to stab his bullet-proof vest to see if it would protected him against a knife attack. It didn't, and the 25-year-old guard died of a heart wound. [Editor's Note: It's good to see the Russians getting into the spirit of the Darwin Awards. Far too many are American.]
-- Jacques LeFevrier left nothing to chance when he decided to commit suicide. He stood at the top of a tall cliff and tied a noose around his neck. He tied the other end of the rope to a large rock. He drank some poison and set fire to his clothes. He even tried to shoot himself at the last moment. He jumped and fired the pistol. The bullet missed him completely and cut through the rope above him. Free of the threat of hanging, he plunged into the sea. The sudden dunking extinguished the flames and made him vomit the poison. He was dragged out of the water by a kind fisherman and was taken to the hospital, where he died of hypothermia...
1) In September in Detroit, a 41-year-old man got stuck
and drowned in two feet of water after squeezing head first through an
18-inch-wide sewer grate to retrieve his car keys.
.- - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - -
.- - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - -
.- - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - -
---------------
2) In October, a 49-year-old San Francisco stockbroker, who "totally zoned when he ran," according to his wife, accidentally jogged off a 200-foot-high cliff on his daily run.
.- - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - -
.- - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - -
.- - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - -
---------------
3) Buxton, NC: A man died on a beach when an 8-foot-deep hole he had dug into the sand caved in as he sat inside it. Beach goers said Daniel Jones, 21, dug the hole for fun, or protection from the wind, and had been sitting in a beach chair at the bottom Thursday afternoon when it collapsed, burying him beneath 5 feet of sand. People on the beach, on the outer banks, used their hands and shovels, trying to claw their way to Jones, a resident of Woodbridge, VA, but could not reach him. It took rescue workers using heavy quipment almost an hour to free him while about 200 people looked on. Jones was pronounced dead at a hospital.
.- - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - -
.- - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - -
.- - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - -
---------------
4) In February, Santiago Alvarado, 24, was killed in Lompoc, CA, as he fell face-first through the ceiling of a bicycle shop he was burgling. Death was caused when the long flashlight he had placed in his mouth (to keep his hands free) rammed into the base of)] Six people drowned Monday while trying to rescue a chicken that had fallen into a well in southern Egypt. An 18-year-old farmer was the first to descend into the 60-foot well. He drowned, apparently after an undercurrent in the water pulled him down, police said. His sister and two brothers, none of whom could swim well, went in one by one to help him, but also drowned. Two elderly farmers then came to help, but they apparently were pulled by the same undercurrent. The bodies of the six were later pulled out of the well in the village of Nazlat Imara, 240 miles south of Cairo. The chicken was also pulled out. It survived.
NOMINEE #7 [Bloomburg News Service, 25 March] A terrible diet and room with no ventilation are being blamed for the death of a man who was killed by his own gas. There was no mark on his body but autopsy showed large amounts of methane gas in his system. His diet had consisted primarily of beans and cabbage (and a couple of other things). It was just the right combination of foods. It appears that the man died in his sleep from breathing the poisonous cloud that was hanging over his bed. Had he been outside or had his windows been opened, it wouldn't have been fatal. But the man was shut up in his near airtight bedroom. He was ". . . a big man with a huge capacity for creating [this deadly gas]." Three of the rescuers got sick and one was hospitalized.
NOMINEE #8 [18 May 93, San Jose Mercury News] A 24-year-old salesman from Hialeah, Fla., was killed near Lantana, Fla., in March when his car smashed into a pole in the median strip of Interstate 95 in the middle of the afternoon. Police said that the man was traveling at 80 MPH and, judging by the sales manual that was found open and clutched to his chest, had been busy reading.
NOMINEE #9 [1/29/96 The News of the weird.] Michael Anderson Godwin made News of the Weird posthumously in 1989. He had spent several years ar, and his wife Bonnie was also injured, by a quarter-stick of dynamite that blew up in their car. While driving around at 2 AM, the bored couple lit the dynamite and tried to toss it out the window to see what would happen, but they apparently failed to notice that the window was closed..- - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - -
.- - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - -
.- - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - -
---------------
4) Taking "Amateur Night" Too Far: In Betulia, Colombia, an annual festival in November includes five days of amateur bullfighting. This year, no bull was killed, but dozens of matadors were injured, including one gored in the head and one Bobbittized. Said one participant, "It's just one bull against a town of a thousand Morons."
.- - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - -
.- - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - -
.- - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - -
---------------
SOME MORE ALSO RANS
1) Four people were injured in a string of related bizarre accidents. Sherry Moeller was admitted with a head wound caused by flying masonry, Tim Vegas was diagnosed with a mild case of whiplash and contusions on his chest, arms and face, Bryan Corcoran suffered torn gum tissue, and Pamela Klesick's first two fingers of her right hand had been bitten off. Moeller had just dropped her husband off for his first day of work and, in addition to a good-bye kiss, she flashed her breasts at him. "I'm still not sure why I did it," she said later "I was really close to the car, so I didn't think anyone would see. Besides, it couldn't have been for more than two seconds". However, cab driver Vegas did see and lost control of his cab, running over the curb and into the corner of the Johnson Medical Building. Inside, Klesick, a dental technician, was cleaning Corcoran's teeth. The crash of the cab against the building making her jump, tearing Corcoran's gums with a cleaning pick. In shock, he bit down, severing two fingers from Klesick's hand. Moeller's wound was caused by a falling piece of the medical building.
.- - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - -
.- - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - -
.- - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - -
---------------
2) TAOS, NM -A woman went to a poison control center after eating three birth-control vaginal inserts. Her English was so bad she had to draw a picture describing how she believed she had poisoned herself. A translator arrived shortly thereafter and confirmed doctors' suspicions. Marie Valishnokov thought the inserts were some kind of candy or gum, being unable to read the foil wrappers. After the third one, she realized something was wrong when her throat and mouth began to fill with a sour-tasting foam. She ran for the Poison Control Center, only a few blocks away where doctors were able to flush the foam from her mouth, throat and stomach with no ill effects.
.- - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - -
.- - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - -
.- - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - -
---------------
3) La Grange, GA -Attorney Antonio Mendoza was released from a trauma center after having a cell phone removed from his rectum. "My dog drags the thing all over the house," he said later. "He must have dragged it into the shower. I slipped on the tile, tripped against the dog and sat down right on the thing " The extraction took more than three hours due to the fact that the cover to Mr Mendoza's phone had opened during insertion. "He was a real trooper during the entire episode," said Dr Dennis Crobe. "Tony just cracked jokes and really seemed to be enjoying himself. Three times during the extraction his phone rang and each time, he made jokes about it that just had us rolling on the floor. By the time we finished, we really did expect to find an answering machine in there".
.- - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - -
.- - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - -
.- - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - -
---------------
4) TACOMA, WA -Kerry Bingham, had been drinking with several friends when one of them said they knew a person who had bungee-jumped from the Tacoma Narrows Bridge in the middle of traffic. The conversation grew more heated and at least 10 men trooped along the walkway of the bridge at 4:30am. Upon arrival at the midpoint of the bridge they discovered that no one had brought bungee rope. Bingham, who had continued drinking, volunteered and pointed out that a coil of lineman's cable lay nearby. One end of the cable was secured around Bingham's leg and the other end was tied to the bridge. His fall lasted 40 feet before the cable tightened and tore his foot off at the ankle. He miraculously survived his fall into the icy river water and was rescued by two nearby fishermen. "All I can say," said Bingham, "is that God was watching out for me on that night. There's just no other explanation for it." Bingham's foot was never located.
.- - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - -
.- - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - -
.- - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - -
---------------
5) BREMERTON, WA - Christopher Coulter and his wife,Emily, were engaging in bondage games when Christopher suggested spreading peanut butter on his genitals and letting Rudy, their Irish Setter, lick them clean. Sadly, Rudy lost control and began tearing at Christopher's penis and testicles. Rudy refused to obey commands and a panicked Emily threw a half-gallon bottle of perfume at the dog. The bottle broke, covering the dog and Christopher with perfume. Startled, Rudy leaped back, tearing away the penis. While trying to get her unconscious husband in the car to take him to the hospital, Emily fell twice, injuring her wrist and ankle. Christopher's penis was in a styrofoam ice cooler "Chris is just plain lucky," said the surgeon who spent eight hours reattaching the penis. "Believe it or not, the perfume turned out to be very fortuitous. The high alcohol content, which must have been excruciatingly painful, helped sterilize the wound. Also, aside from its being removed, the damage caused by the dog's teeth to the penis per se is minimal It's really a very stringy piece of flesh. Mr Coulter stands an excellent chance of regaining the use of his limb because of this." Washington Animal Control has no plans to seize Rudy.
Subject: Lewinski and Kaczynski in a limerick.
Date: Sat, 08 Aug 1998 10:01:14 +0000
From: Mmb <mmb
To: "mmb and bcc's" <mmb
Hi!
Do you know what the hardest toungue-twisters are? (say ALOUD, FAST, six
times)
Six swift wasps.
Black bloody baby buggy bumpers.
Six thick thistle sticks.
Toy boat.
I slit a sheet, a sheet I slit, and on that slitted sheet I sit. (try again,
holding your tongue). and honorary mention, today's tongue twister links:Cygnus Supernova Nebula
Flip flop frog kerplop drop
Lazin', lyin' lion
White as rice, Rolls Royce
Below are Lewinski and Kaczynski in a limerick.
Have an Amazing Magic Mike Magic Day! Pass it on. http://funandmagic.com/photolinks2.htmThis is from a contest on Long Island.
The requirements were to use the words Lewinski and Kaczynski in a limerick.
Here are the 3 winners.
Entry # 1
There once was a gal named Lewinsky
Who played on a flute like Stravinsky
'Twas "Hail to the Chief"
on this flute made of beef
that stole the front page from Kaczynski.
Entry # 2
Said Bill Clinton to young Ms. Lewinsky
We don't want to leave clues like Kaczynski,
Since you look such a mess,
use the hem of your dress
And wipe that stuff off of your chinsky.
Lewinsky and Clinton have shown
what Kaczynski must surely have known:
that an intern is better
than a bomb in a letter
given the choice of how to be blown.
-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=
-=-=-=-=-=-=
THINGS MY MOTHER TAUGHT ME . . .My Mother taught me LOGIC - like, "If you fall off that swing and break your neck, you can't go to the store with me."
My Mother taught me MEDICINE - like, "If you don't stop crossing your eyes, they're going to freeze that way."
My Mother taught me ESP - "Put your sweater on; don't you think I know when you are cold?"
My Mother taught me TO MEET A CHALLENGE - "Where's your brother and don't talk with food in your mouth. Answer me!"
My Mother taught me HUMOR - "When that lawnmower
cuts off your toes, don't come running to me
-=-=-=-=-=--=-=-=-=-=-=-=--=-=-=-=-=-=-=-
A man and a woman were having dinner in a fine restaurant.
Their waitress, taking another order at a table a few paces away noticed that the man was slowly sliding down his chair and under the table, with the woman acting unconcerned. The waitress watched as the man slid all the way down his chair and out of sight under the table.
Still, the woman dining across from him appeared calm and unruffled, apparently unaware that her dining companion had disappeared. After the waitress finished taking the order, she came over to the table and said to the woman, "Pardon me, ma'am, but I think your husband just slid under the table."
The woman calmly looked up at her and replied firmly, "Ohh no, My husband just walked in the door." -=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=--=-"Nasty looking crew you got to handle out there this morning, judge," said the court officer. "Where did the cops find all those crooks?"The judge replied, "The crooks won't be here for another fifteen minutes. Those are the lawyers."
-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=
-
Murphy, a dishonest lawyer, bribed a man on his client's jury to hold out
for a charge of manslaughter, as opposed to the charge of murder which
was brought by the state.
The jury was out for several days before they returned with the manslaughter
verdict. When Murphy paid the corrupt juror, he asked him if he had a very
difficult time convincing the other jurors to see things his way.
"Sure did," the juror replied, "the other eleven wanted
to acquit."
-=-=-=-=-=-
-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=---=-=
-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=--=-=-
The Value of Roof Preading ON TESCO'S TIRIMISU DESERT - Do not turn
upside down. (Printed on the bottom of the box.)
ON MARKS & SPENCER BREAD PUDDING - Product will be hot after heating
ON PACKAGING FOR A ROWENTA IRON - Do not Iron clothes on body
ON BOOTS CHILDREN'S COUGH MEDICINE - Do not drive car or operate machinery
ON NYTOL (A SLEEP AID) - Warning: may cause drowsiness
ON A KOREAN KITCHEN KNIFE - Warning: keep out of children
ON A STRING OF CHINESE MADE CHRISTMAS LIGHTS - For indoor or outdoor use only.
ON A JAPANESE FOOD PROCESSOR - Not to be used for the other use.
ON SAINSBURY'S PEANUTS - Warning: contains nuts
ON AN AMERICAN AIRLINES PACKET OF NUTS - Instructions: open packet, eat nuts.
ON A SWEDISH CHAINSAW - Do not attempt to stop chain with your hands.
ON A PACKET OF SUNMAID RAISINS - Why not try tossing over your favorite breakfast cereal?
Subject: Phriday's Photos and PhunniesDate: Fri, 07 Aug 1998 08:18:12 +0000
From: "Magic Mike B <mmb
To: Mmb and bcc's" <mmb
Hi!
Are you a Leo? Here's one of the most fascinating aspects of the Leo Constellation,M65 Leo
If you're uncomfortable in the Summer heat, cool off at these
Have a magic day and forward it!
Magic Mike http://funandmagic.com/photolinks.htm
The Encino School Board has declared Jewish English a second language.
Backers of the move say the district is the first in the nation to recognize
Hebonics as the language of many American Jews.
In Hebonics, questions are always answered with questions:
Question: "How do you feel?"
Hebonics response: "How should I feel?"
The sarcastic repetition of words by adding "sh" to the front is used for emphasis: mountains becomes "shmountains"; turtle becomes "shmurtle."
Sample Usage Comparisons: Standard English Phrase: "He
walks slowly."
Hebonics Phrase: "Like a fly in the ointment he walks."
English: "Sorry, I don't know the time."
Hebonics: "What do I look like, a clock?"
English: "I hope things turn out okay."
Hebonics: "You should BE so lucky!"
English: "I see you're wearing one of the ties I
gave you."
Hebonics: "What's the matter, the other tie you didn't like?"
English: "Anything can happen."
Hebonics: "Things are never so bad that they can't get worse."
English: "May I take your plate sir?"
Hebonics: "You've hardly touched your food. What's the matter, something's
wrong with it?"
English: "It's been so long since you've called."Hebonics: "You didn't wonder if I'm dead yet?"
English: "Let's not go skiing, let's go to the beach."Hebonics: "Mountains, shmountains! Do I look like a sled to you?"-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=
HELP!
Two men were adrift in a life boat following a dramatic escape from
aburning freight vessel. While rummaging through the boat's provisions,
one of the men stumbled across an old lamp.Secretly hoping that a Genie
would appear, he rubbed the lamp vigorously.
To the amazement of the castaways, one "did" come forth.This particular Genie, however, stated that she could only deliver one wish, not the standard three wishes. Without giving much thought to the matter the man blurted out, "Make the entire ocean into beer!"
Immediately the Genie clapped her hands with a deafening crash, and the entire sea turned into the finest brew ever sampled by mortals.
Simultaneously, the Genie vanished to her freedom. Only the gentle lapping of beer on the hull broke the stillness as the two men considered their circumstances.
The other man looked disgustedly at the one who's wish had been granted.
After a long, tension-filled moment, he spoke: "Nice
going! Now we're going to have to pee in the boat." -=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-Biology Six to One
Mr. Perkins, the biology instructor at a posh suburban girl's junior
college, said during class, "Miss Smythe, would you please name the
organ of the human body, which under the appropriate conditions, expands
to six times its normal size, and define the conditions."
Miss Smythe gasped, then said freezingly, "Mr. Perkins, I don't think that is a proper question to ask me. I assure you my parents will hear of this."
With that she sat down red-faced. Unperturbed, Mr. Perkins called on Miss Johnson and asked the same question. Miss Johnson, with composure, replied, "The pupil of the eye, in dim light."
"Correct," said Mr. Perkins. "And now, Miss Smythe, I have three things to say to you. One, you have not studied your lesson. Two, you have a dirty mind. And three, you will some day be faced with a dreadful disappointment."Subject: I think, therefore I am. If I think not, am I not? I think not. Don't you think?
Date: Wed, 05 Aug 1998 08:00:40 +0000
From: Mmb <mmb
To: "Magic Mike B and bcc's" <mmb
Hi!
After the last discourse on metaphysics this quote from a Dr. Science newsletter
seems fitting, "I think, therefore I am. If I think not, am I not?
I think not. Don't you think?" Don't think I'm telling you to go to
Hell when I send you to the fractal
river to Hades That should go along with these last words.
Have a magic day, it could be the last. Live it good, and live it fast.Magic Mike parlor.htm
Parting Words
Epitaph On the grave of Ezekial Aikle in East Dalhousie Cemetery, Nova
Scotia:
Here lies Ezekial Aikle
Age 102
The Good Die Young.
In a London, England cemetery:
Ann Mann Here lies Ann Mann,
Who lived an old maid
But died an old Mann.
Dec. 8, 1767
In a Ribbesford, England, cemetery:
Anna Wallace
The children of Israel wanted bread
And the Lord sent them manna,
Old clerk Wallace wanted a wife,
And the Devil sent him Anna.
Playing with names in a Ruidoso, New Mexico, cemetery:Here lies Johnny Yeast
Pardon me
For not rising.
Memory of an accident in a Uniontown, Pennsylvania cemetery:Here lies the body of Jonathan Blake
Stepped on the gas Instead of the brake.
In a Silver City, Nevada, cemetery:
Here lays Butch, We planted him raw.
He was quick on the trigger, But slow on the draw.
A widow wrote this epitaph in a Vermont cemetery:
Sacred to the memory of my husband J
ohn Barnes who died January 3, 1803
His comely young widow, aged 23,
has many qualifications of a good wife,
and yearns to be comforted.
A lawyer's epitaph in England:
Sir John Strange
Here lies an honest lawyer,
And that is Strange.
Someone determined to be anonymous in Stowe, Vermont:I was somebody.
Who, is no business Of yours.
Lester Moore was a Wells, Fargo Co. station agent for
Naco, Arizona in the cowboy days of the 1880's. He's buried in the Boot
Hill Cemetery in Tombstone, Arizona:
Here lies Lester Moore
Four slugs from a .44
No Les No More.
In a Georgia cemetery:
"I told you I was sick!"
John Penny's epitaph in the Wimborne, England, cemetery:Reader if cash thou art In want of any
Dig 4 feet deep And thou wilt find a Penny.
On Margaret Daniels grave at Hollywood Cemetery Richmond,
Virginia:
She always said her feet were killing her
but nobody believed her.
In a cemetery in Hartscombe, England: On the 22nd of June - Jonathan Fiddle - Went out of tune.
Anna Hopewell's grave in Enosburg Falls, Vermont has an epitaph that sounds like something from a Three Stooges movie: Here lies the body of our Anna Done to death by a banana It wasn't the fruit that laid her low But the skin of the thing that made her go.
More fun with names with Owen Moore in Battersea, London, England: Gone away Owin' more Than he could pay.
Someone in Winslow, Maine didn't like Mr. Wood:
In Memory of Beza Wood
Departed this life Nov. 2, 1837 Aged 45 yrs.
Here lies one Wood Enclosed in wood
One Wood Within another.
The outer wood Is very good:
We cannot praise The other.
On a grave from the 1880's in Nantucket, Massachusetts:Under the sod and under the trees
Lies the body of Jonathan Pease.
He is not here, there's only the pod:
Pease shelled out and went to God.
The grave of Ellen Shannon in Girard, Pennsylvania is
almost a consumer tip:
Who was fatally burned March 21, 1870
by the explosion of a lamp filled with
"R.E. Danforth's Non-Explosive Burning Fluid"
Oops! Harry Edsel Smith of Albany, New York: Born 1903--Died
1942
Looked up the elevator shaft
to see if the car was on the way down.
It was.
Here lies an Atheist
All dressed up
And no place to go.
Subject: "I REMEMBER, I FORGOT!"
Date: Tue, 04 Aug 1998 22:50:35 +0000
From: Mmb <mmb
To: "Magic Mike B and bcc's" <mmb
Hi!
Here's a desk for your desk.Where should we put this? In Frank
L Wright home?
Where is this town? One
night, about 26 years ago, I was up late, with a candle on, contemplating
on the concept of inherent perfection of nature. That we are God's image,
the enlightened Buddha, The Soul of Christ. That the Kingdom of Heaven
is at hand. Except for the fact, that we don't know it. Or, if we do, we
forget that we know it. We get involved in our life's imaging and we forget
that state of mind, we get up to our ass in alligators and forget to drain
the swamp, losing sight of the forest for the trees. So, I'm in this state
of silent mediation on this, and the insight thought occurs so loud in
my mind, I say it out loud, "I REMEMBER, I FORGOT!" Then I started
laughing aloud.
Have a Magic day and don't forget! ... to pass it on.
Magic Mike
http://funandmagic.com/
Don't Forget
An 80 year old couple were having problems remembering things, so they
decided to go to their doctor to get checked out to make sure nothing was
wrong with them.
When they arrived at the doctor's, they explained to the doctor about the problems they were having with their memory. After checking the couple out, the doctor tells them that they were physically okay but might want to start writing things down and make notes to help them remember things.
The couple thanked the doctor and left.
Later that night while watching TV, the old man got up from his chair and his wife asks, "Where are you going?"
He replies, "To the kitchen."
She asks, "Will you get me a bowl of ice cream?"
He replies, "Sure."
She then asks him, "Don't you think you should write it down so you can remember it?"
He says, "No, I can remember that."
She then says, "Well I also would like some strawberries on top. You had better write that down cause I know you'll forget that."
He says, "I can remember that, you want a bowl of ice cream with strawberries."
She replies, "Well I also would like whip cream on top. I know you will forget that so you better write it down."
With irritation in his voice, he says, "I don't need to write that down I can remember that." He then fumes into the kitchen.
After about 20 minutes he returns from the kitchen and hands her a plate of bacon and eggs.
She stares at the plate for a moment and says, "You forgot my toast."
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Guidance -=-=-=-=-=-=-On the evening of their wedding night, a young couple finally retired to their hotel room. After making her preparations, Margaret, the bride left the bathroom to find Harold, the bridegroom, praying.
"So what are you doing?" she asked.
"I'm praying for guidance," answered the religious young man.
"I'll take care of that," she replied. "You pray for endurance."
It's Ok, Honey -=-=-=-=-=-=-=-A man observed a woman in the grocery store with a three year old girl in her basket. As they passed the cookie section, the little girl asked for cookies and her mother told her, "No." The little girl immediately began to whine and fuss, and the mother said quietly, "Now Monica, we just have half of the aisles left to go through - don't be upset. It won't be long now."
Soon, they came to the candy aisle and the little girl began to shout for candy. When told she couldn't have any, she began to cry. The mother said, "There, there, Monica, don't cry - only two more aisles to go and then we'll be checking out."
When they got to the checkout stand, the little girl immediately began to clamor for gum and burst into a terrible tantrum upon discovering there'd be no gum purchased. The mother said serenely, "Monica, we'll be through this check out stand in 5 minutes and then you can go home and have a nice nap."
The man followed them out to the parking lot and stopped the woman to compliment her. "I couldn't help noticing how patient you were with little Monica," he began.
The mother replied, "I'm Monica - my little girl's name is Tammy."Subject: Saturn, sunflower, satire
Date: Mon, 03 Aug 1998 23:59:56 +0000
From: Mmb <mmb
To: "Magic Mike B and bcc's" <mmb
Hi!
Here's two for the road.
two sunflowers
fractal Saturn
Have a problem? And you want to ask a total stranger and have them tell
you what to do, and make fun of you in public newspapers all over the world?
Isn't THAT part of your problem? That, you're too lame to know better than
that?
Have a magic day and be contagious.
Magic Mikeparlor.htm
Dear Abby A couple of women moved in across the hall from me. One
is a middle-aged gym teacher and the other is a social worker in her mid-twenties.
These two women go everywhere together and I've never seen a man go into
their apartment or come out. Do you think they could be Lebanese? Curious.- - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - -
.- - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - -
.- - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - -
-- ------------Dear Abby, I have a man I never could trust. He cheats so much I'm not even sure this baby I'm carrying is his.
.- - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - -
.- - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - -
.- - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - -
--
Dear Abby, I am a twenty-three-year-old liberated woman
who has been on the pill for two years. It's getting expensive and I think
my boyfriend should share half the cost, but I don't know him well enough
to discuss money with him.
.- - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - -
.- - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - -
.- - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - -
--
Dear Abby, I suspected that my husband had been fooling
around, and when I confronted him with the evidence, he denied everything
and said it would never happen again.
.- - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - -
.- - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - -
.- - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - -
--
Dear Abby, Our son writes that he is taking Judo. Why
would a boy who was raised in a good Christian home turn against his own?
.- - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - -
.- - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - -
.- - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - -
--
Dear Abby, I joined the Navy to see the world. I've seen
it. Now how do I get out?
.- - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - -
.- - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - -
.- - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - -
--
Dear Abby, My forty-year-old son has been paying a psychiatrist
$50 an hour every week for two-and-a-half years. He must be crazy.
.- - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - -
.- - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - -
.- - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - -
-
Dear Abby, I was married to Bill for three months and
I didn't know he drank until one night he came home sober.
.- - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - -
.- - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - -
.- - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - -
--
Dear Abby, Do you think it would be all right if I gave
my doctor a little gift? I tried for years to get pregnant but couldn't,
and he finally did it!
.- - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - -
.- - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - -
.- - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - -
--
Dear Abby, My mother is mean and short-tempered. I think
she is going through her mental pause.
.- - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - -
.- - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - -
.- - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - -
--
Dear Abby, You told some woman whose husband had lost
all interest in sex to send him to a doctor. Well, my husband lost all
interest in sex years ago and he is a doctor.
.- - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - -
.- - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - -
.- - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - -
--
Dear Abby, My boyfriend is going to be twenty years old
next month. I'd like to give him something nice for his birthday. What
do you think he'd like? Carol
Dear Carol, Never mind what he'd like. Give him a tie.
.- - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - -
.- - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - -
.- - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - -
--
Dear Abby, Our son was married in January. Five months
later his wife had a ten-pound baby girl. They said the baby was premature.
Tell me, can a baby this big be that early? Wondering
Dear Wondering, The baby was on time, the wedding was late. Forget it..- - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - -
.- - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - -
.- - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - -
- Dear Abby, I know boys will be boys, but my 'boy' is seventy-three and he's still chasing women. Any suggestions? Annie
Dear Annie, Don't worry. My dog has been chasing cars for years, but if he ever caught one, he wouldn't know what to do with it.
.- - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - -
.- - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - -
.- - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - -
--
Dear Abby, I have always wanted to have my family history traced, but I can't afford to spend a lot of money to do it. Any suggestions? Sam
Dear Sam, Yes. Run for public office.
.- - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - -
.- - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - -
.- - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - -
-
Dear Abby, What inspires you most to write? Ted
Dear Ted, The Bureau of Internal Revenue.
.- - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - -
.- - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - -
.- - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - -
--
Dear Abby, I am forty-four years old and I would like to meet a man my age with no bad habits. Rose Dear Rose, So would I.
.- - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - -
.- - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - -
.- - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - -
--
Dear Abby, What's the difference between a wife and a mistress? Bess -----Dear Bess, Night and day.
Subject: That's a black faced ....
Date: Sun, 02 Aug 1998 20:35:11 +0000
From: Mmb <mmb
To: "Magic Mike B and bcc's" <mmb
Hi!
Responding to the rumors ... "That's a black faced lie! ...uh no,
It's a black faced vervet."I KNOW you want to know what a vervet is, heh heh!
Horsehead Nebula
Matchbox originality
Have a Magic day, and forward it. (KEEP SENDING ART PHOTO LINKS &
JOKES!)
Magic Mike http://funandmagic.com/photolinks.htm
An airline pilot wrote that on this particular flight he had hammered his ship into the runway really hard. The airline had a policy, which required the first officer to stand at the door while the passengers exited, give a smile, and a "Thanks for flying XYZ airline." He said that in light of his bad landing, he had a hard time looking the passengers in the eye, thinking that someone would have a smart comment, but no one seemed annoyed. Finally everyone had gotten off except for one little old lady walking with a cane. She approached and asked, conspiratorially, "Sonny, mind if I ask you a question?"
"Why no Ma'am, what is it?"
"Did we land or were we shot down?"
=========================
=== TRUISMS
1. Men are from earth. Women are from earth. Deal with it.
2. Age is a very high price to pay for maturity.
3. I doubt, therefore I might be.
4. To be intoxicated is to feel sophisticated but not be able to say it.
5. Never underestimate the power of stupid people in large groups.
6. The older you get, the better you realize you were.
7. Procrastination is the art of keeping up with yesterday.
8. Don't sweat the petty things, and don't pet the sweaty things.
9. Give a man a fish and he will eat for a day. Teach him how to fish, and he will sit in a boat and drink beer all day.
10. Women like silent men, they think they're listening.
11. If you ate pasta and antipasta, would you still be hungry?
12. If work is so terrific, how come they have to pay you to do it?
13. If all the world is a stage, where is the audience sitting?
14. If you try to fail, and succeed, which have you done?
==============
My body is a temple. Do you want to come over for midnight mass?
To have a successful relationship I must learn to make it look like I'm giving as much as I'm getting
Men are those creatures with two legs & eight hands
My mother said it was simple to keep a man, you must be a maid in the living room, a cook in the kitchen & a whore in the bedroom. l said I'd hire the other two & take care of the bedroom bit.
Lead me not into temptation; l can find the way myself.=========================
==== The phone rang in the house & l answered it & this voice said, "Hello, a dirty weekend in Paris?" And then there was a silence & the voice said, "l'm sorry. Have l shocked you?" And l said, "God no - l was just packing."
=========================
=====
Her figure described a set of parabolas that could cause cardiac arrest in a yak.
My boyfriend says my dress is so tight he can hardly breathe
ln my sex fantasy, nobody ever loves me for my mind
lf l told you you have a beautiful body, you wouldn't hold it against me would you?
What comes first in a relationship is lust - then more lust
lsn't it interesting how the sounds are the same for an awful nightmare & great sex?
There isn't any greater or keener pleasure than physical love. No, nor any which is more unreasonable.
What's a nice place like this doing in a girl like you?
And here & there l had her, And everywhere l had her, Her toy was such, That every touch would make a lover madder.
One more drink & l'll be under the host.
The kiss is a wordless articulation of desire whose object lies in the future & somewhat south.
A man may talk inspiringly to a woman about love in the abstract - but the look in his eyes is always perfectly concrete.
Boy meets girl; girl gets boy into pickle; boy gets pickle into girl.
Good girls go to heaven. Bad girls go everywhere.
A girl can wait for the right man to come along but in the meantime that
still doesn't mean she can't have a wonderful time with all the wrong ones.
Love is the answer; but while you are waiting for the answer, sex raises
some pretty good questions.
The follies which a man regrets most in his life are those which he didn't commit when he had the opportunity.
lf you obey all the rules, you miss all the fun.
======
What women want in a relationship: A handsome, loving professional man who will just love them for who they are.
What women get: A fat, balding fart machine who stays with them only because no other woman wants him.
What men want in a woman: A combination of Carol Brady and Pamela Lee Anderson; Wonderful Mom with big hooters and can suck the chrome off a flag pole.
What men get: Someone who immediately begins to gain those 80 extra lbs the moment after she says "I Do", beginning with the wedding cake!
What women want in bed: A passionate lover who takes the time to kiss and gently caress, slowly building up to a wonderful joyous experience together.
What they get: "Wham-Bam-Thank-You Ma'am!", Belch, Fart, Zzzzzzzzzzzzzz
What men expect out of a marriage: 3 loving children who honor their parents.
What they get: 3 helions who are a combination of their parents every fault and make their life a living hell.
1st anniversary card from husband to wife: "My sweet loving wife....I hope this first year is a reflection of the next 60 years, you are my heart and soul, I am forever yours."
5th anniversary card: "I love you so much honey...words cannot describe."
10th anniversary card: "Hey, how's it hangin'? Love Ya'!!"
15th anniversary card: "Ummmmmmmmm......'sup?"
16th anniversary card from wife to husband: "You are hereby summoned to divorce proceedings..."
Subject: RULES THAT GUYS WISH THAT GIRLS KNEW 1. If you think you're fat, you probably are. Don't ask us.2. Learn to work the toilet seat: if it's up put it down.
3. Don't cut your hair. Ever.
4. Birthdays, Valentines, and Anniversaries are not quests to see if he can find the perfect present, again! 5. If you ask a question you don't want an answer to, expect an answer you don't want to hear.
6. Sometimes, he's not thinking about you. Live with it.
7. Don't ask him what he's thinking about unless you are prepared to discuss such topics as navel lent, the shotgun formation and monster trucks.
8. Get rid of your cat. And no, it's not different, it's just like every other cat.
9. Dogs are better than ANY cats. Period.
10. Sunday = Sports. It's like the full moon or the changing of the tides. Let it be.
11. Shopping is not sport.
12. Anything you wear is fine. Really.
13. You have enough clothes.
14. You have too many shoes.
15. Crying is blackmail. Use it if you must, but don't expect us to like it.
16. Your brother is an idiot, your ex-boyfriend is an idiot and your Dad probably is too.
17. Ask for what you want. Subtle hints don't work.
18. No, he doesn't know what day it is. He never will. Mark anniversaries on a calendar.
19. Yes, pissing standing up is more difficult than peeing from point blank range. We're bound to miss sometimes.
20. Most guys own two to three pairs of shoes-what makes you think we'd be any good at choosing which pair, out of thirty, would look good with your dress?
21. Yes and No are perfectly acceptable answers.
22. A headache that lasts for 17 months is a problem. See a doctor.
23. Your Mom doesn't have to be our best friend.
24. Foreign films are best left to foreigners.
25. Check your oil.
26. Don't give us 50 rules when 25 will do.
27. Don't fake it. We'd rather be ineffective than deceived.
28. It is neither in your best interest nor ours to take the quiz together.29. Anything we said 6 or 8 months ago is inadmissible in an argument. All comments become null and void after 7 days.
30. If you don't dress like the Victoria's Secret girls, don't expect us to act like soap opera guys.
31. If something we said can be interpreted two ways, and one of the ways makes you sad and angry, we meant the other one.
32. Let us ogle. If we don't look at other women, how can we know how pretty you are?
33. Don't rub the lamp if you don't want the genie to come out.
34. You can either ask us to do something OR tell us how you want it done - not both.
35. Whenever possible, please say whatever you have to say during commercials.36. Christopher Columbus didn't need directions, and neither do we.
37. Women wearing Wonderbras and low-cut blouses lose their right to complain about having their boobs stared at.
38. Consider Golf a mini-vacation from you. We need it, just like you do.39. Telling us that the models in the men's magazines are airbrushed makes you look jealous and petty and it's certainly not going to deter us from reading the magazines.
40. The relationship is never going to be like it was the first two months we were going out.
41. Anyone can buy condoms.
=========================
=
YOUR MAMA IS SO FAT....
When she hauls ass she has to make two trips. When she
dances she makes the band skip. When she was diagnosed with the flesh eating
disease the doctor gave her 13 years to live. She puts mayonnaise on aspirin.
Her ass has its own congressman. Her cereal bowl came with a lifeguard.
When she goes to the zoo the elephants throw her peanuts. Her high school
graduation picture was an aerial photograph. Her driver's license says
"Picture continued on other side." The back of her neck looks
like a pack of hot dogs.
Yo mama's so fat, "Place Your Ad Here" is printed on each of
her butt cheeks.
Yo mama's so fat, all the restaurants in town have signs that say: "Maximum
Occupancy: 240 Patrons OR Yo Mama"
Yo mama's so fat, when she ran away, they had to use all four sides of
the milk carton.
Yo mama's so fat, when she gets in an elevator, it HAS to go down.
Yo mama's so fat, she was born with a silver shovel in her mouth.
Yo mama's so fat, she's got smaller fat women orbiting around her.
Yo mama's so fat, when I yell "Kool-Aid," she comes crashing
through the wall.
Yo mama's so fat, she could sell shade.
Yo mama's so fat, when she crosses the street, cars look out for her.
Yo mama's so fat, people jog around her for exercise.
Yo mama's so fat, I ran around her twice and got lost.
Yo mama's so fat, she gets runs in her jeans.
Yo mama's so fat, her blood type is Ragu.
Yo mama's so fat, when she goes to a restaurant, she doesn't get a menu,
she gets an estimate.
Yo mama's so fat, if she got her shoes shined, she'd have to take his word
for it!
Yo mama's so fat, she has to put her belt on with a boomerang.
Yo mama's so fat, when she turns around, people throw her a welcome back
party.
Yo mama's so fat, she can't even jump to a conclusion.
Yo mama's so fat, she went to the movies and sat next to everyone.
Yo mama's so fat, her belly button doesn't have lint, it has sweaters.
Subject: A Bucky Ball, a galaxy, a crab, and a joke.
Date: Sun, 02 Aug 1998 10:47:23 +0000 From: Mmb <mmb
To: "Magic Mike B and bcc's" <mmb
Hi!
I met Buckminster Fuller at a lecture he gave in Seattle. Afterwards, I
performed the Invisible deck of cards trick for him. Bucky had some great
insights into physical nature and a magic form of carbon was named for
his efforts.
Here's a rendition of a Bucky
Ball for your desktop.
Crab
Dwingeloo Galaxy
Have a magic day, pass it on, forward it, but don't spindle or mutilate
it!
Magic Mike http://funandmagic.com/photolinks.htm
In case you missed the article (and don't watch Letterman),
someone found a condom in a McDonald's hamburger recently.
Here are David Letterman's explanation(s)...
The Top Ten "McDonald's Excuses for the Condom in a Big Mac":
#10. We were test-marketing the new "McTrojan".
#9. Condom, condiment-what's the damn difference?
#8. It still tastes better than the "Arch Deluxe".
#7. It was either there or in the vanilla shake.
#6. Turns out the rumors about Grimace and Mayor McCheese are true.
#5. We're experimenting with a new, even happier "Happy Meal".
#4. So what? a regular Big Mac is 60% latex anyway.
#3. Employees too embarrassed to say, "Would you like condoms with that?"
#2. Drive-thru speaker broken -"Coke with lots of ice" sounded like "prophylactic device".
And the #1 McDonald's Excuse for the Condom in a Big Mac#1. When you're "servicing" billions and billions, you can't be too careful.Subject: In today's gnus... pics and a joke
Date: Sat, 01 Aug 1998 06:27:14 +0000
From: Mmb <mmb
To: Magic Mike B <mmb
Hi!
What's gnu with you?
Can you say ... Infrared Orion?
I mentioned a few weeks ago that SOHO, the probe that orbits the Sun, had
died. It was studying solar flares, and took one too many without a helmet
on. It took me awhile to dig up the photo I sent last year of SOHO
catching a Sungrazer, a comet crashing into the Sun. I thought you
might like to see it again. Click on the pic to see the big version, which
is then easiest to see when set as wallpaper. But I prefer the smaller
one as my wallpaper.
DON'T FORGET YOUR PROTEINS! okay, mom!!
Protein & DNA
A lawyer dies in a car accident on his 40th birthday and finds himself greeted at the Pearly Gates by a brass band. Saint Peter runs over, shakes his hand and says "Congratulations!"
"Congratulations for what?" asks the lawyer.
"Congratulations for what?!?" says Saint Peter.
"Why, we're celebrating the fact that you lived to be 160 years old."
"But that's not true," says the lawyer. "I only lived to be forty."
"That's impossible," says Saint Peter. "We've added up your time sheets."
Have a Magic day and pass it on, forward it, but don't
spindle or mutilate.
Magic Mike http://funandmagic.com
(accept no substitutes. There is a Magic Mike musician in New Jersey, and
a Magic Mike photographer in Singapore!)
