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Magic Mike's Jokes Archive #49 (March and
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"Since all phenomena, is a product of one's own mind,
empty of meaning, like a magician's illusion,
having nothing to do with good or bad, acceptance or rejection,
one might burst out in laughter."
- Longchenpa, 13th century Tibetan monk.
TO FIND SOMETHING USE THE EDIT/FIND IN YOUR BROWSER
(TOP LEFT CORNER).
(((((((((((((((((((((((((((PLANET PROCTOR 2004+26 -
http://www.planetproctor.com
"Vote for Us and Nobody Gets Hurt."~ Suggested GOP slogan from Fred
Janssen, LA Times Letters
BRING US TOGETHER, RIGHT NOW!
Two Republicans boarded a flight out of London. One took a window
seat and the other sat next to him in the middle and just before takeoff, a
Democrat sat down in the aisle. After takeoff, the Democrat kicked his
shoes off, wiggled his toes and was settling in when the Republican in the
window seat said, "I need to get up and get a coke."
"Don't get up" said the Democrat, "I'm in the aisle. I'll get it
for you."
As soon as he left, one of the Republicans picked up the Democrat's
shoe and spat in it. When he returned with the coke, the other Republican
said, "That looks good, I'd really like one, too."
Again, the Democrat obligingly went to fetch it. While he was gone
the other Republican picked up his other shoe and spat in it. When the
Democrat returned, they all sat back and enjoyed the flight.
As the plane was landing, the Democrat slipped his feet into his
shoes and knew immediately what had happened.
"Why does it have to be this way?" he asked. "How long must this go
on? This fighting between our parties? This hatred? This animosity? This
spitting in shoes and pissing in cokes?"
"We are all erring creatures, and mainly idiots, but God made us so and
it is dangerous to criticize." ~ Mark Twain
MORE MOORE
"If I hear one more person tell me how lousy a candidate Kerry is
and how he can't win... Dammit, of COURSE he's a lousy candidate -- he's a
Democrat, for heavens sake! That party is so pathetic, they even lose the
elections they win! What were you expecting, Bruce Springsteen heading up
the ticket? Bruce would make a helluva president, but guys like him don't
run -- and neither do you or I. People like Kerry run...
"So quit complaining and work with what we have. Oprah just gave
300 women a... Pontiac! Did you see any of them frowning and moaning and
screaming, "Oh God, NOT a friggin' Pontiac!" Of course not, they were
happy. The Pontiacs all had four wheels, an engine and a gas pedal. You
want more than that, well, I can't help you. I had a Pontiac once and it
lasted a good year.
"And it was a VERY good year." < www.michaelmoore.com
"On August 10th, Lt. Commander Scott Zellem, who flew Bush to the
carrier for his ' Mission Accomplished' speech, was killed in Iraq." ~ From
Larry Lerner
LET US PREY
Bush is my shepherd, I shall be in want.
He maketh me lie down on park benches.
He leadeth me beside the still factories,
He restores my doubts about the Republican Party.
He leadeth me into the paths of unemployment for his
cronies' sake.
Yea, though no weapons of mass destruction have been found,
he maketh me continue to fear evil.
His tax cuts for the rich and his deficit spending
discomfit me.
He anointeth me with never-ending debt.
Verily my days of savings and assets are kaput.
Surely poverty and hard living shall follow me all the days
of his administration,
And my jobless child shall dwell in my basement forever.
"Cheney is claiming Bush as a dependent." ~ Letterman's Top Ten,
delivered by John Kerry
POLITICAL ANIMALS
Lil' Johnny goes to his dad and asks, "What is politics?" Dad says,
"Well son, let me try to explain it this way. I'm the breadwinner of the
family, so let's call me Capitalism. Mommy is the administrator of the
money, so we'll call her the Government. We're here to take care of your
needs, so we'll call you The People.
The nanny -- well, consider her The Working Class. Your baby
brother, we'll call him The Future. Now go think about this and see if it
makes sense."
So the little boy goes off to bed and later that night, he hears his baby
brother crying and runs to his room to find that his diapers are soiled. So
the little boy goes to his parents' room. Mom is sound asleep and not
wanting to wake her, he goes to the nanny's room. Finding the door locked,
he looks through the peephole and sees his father in bed with the nanny. He
gives up and goes back to bed.
The next morning, the little boy says to his father, "Dad, I think
I understand what politics is now."
"Good son, tell me in your own words then what politics are."
"Well," he replies, "while Capitalism is screwing the Working
Class, the Government is sound asleep, the People are being ignored and the
Future is in deep shit."
"Any marriage is a mistake on some level." ~ Sinan Unel, playwright
of "Pera Palas"
PROCTOSCOPY?
Many have asked if any tickets are still available for my
upcoming colonoscopy. Yes, but they're all in the rear.
Richard Brestoff writes, "I had one a year ago and the hoot is
the recovery room. You have a coach who encourages you to pass gas. You are
not alone though, at least I wasn't. Seven or eight others were being
encouraged to do the same and it was like Blazing Saddles in there. Pretty
damn funny. They wouldn't let us go home until we had blasted the place
with eau de colon."
And Firesign audio producer Wayne Newitt adds. "My groggy, (but
witty) comment was, "Did you see my tattoo?"
"It's not the trick; it's the magician." ~ Harry Houdini
SPAM, GLORIOUS SPAM
When? Pitchblend was one more experience before me even then.
Of a sudden, my ascending head passed into the trough of a swell.
Out of the green, I see at once into a glory of rosy, almost of sanguine
light - the multitudinous seas incarnadined, the heaven above a vault of
crimson.
And then the glory faded into the need to hold the door open with
my foot for the sake of air. In this attitude my leg debarred the
newsboy...
(To be continued)
"There are two rules for success in life -- Rule 1: Don't tell people
everything you know." ~ Phil's Phunny Phacts
HE BAD...
I Am Your Worst Nightmare. I am a BAD American. I am George
Carlin.I believe the money I make belongs to me and my family, not some mid
level governmental functionary, be it Democratic or Republican!
I think owning a gun doesn't make you a killer; it makes you a
smart American. I think being a minority does not make you noble or
victimized, and does not entitle you to anything.I believe that if you are
selling me a Big Mac; try to do it in English.
I think fireworks should be legal on the 4th of July. I think that
being a student doesn't give you any more enlightenment than working at
Blockbuster. In fact, if your parents are footing the bill to put your
pansy ass through 4 years plus of college, you haven't begun to be
enlightened.
I believe everyone has a right to pray to his or her God when and
where they want to.
My heroes are John Wayne, Babe Ruth, Roy Rogers, and whoever canceled Jerry
Springer. I don't hate the rich. I don't pity the poor. I know wrestling is
fake and I don't waste my time arguing about it.
I've never owned a slave, or was a slave; I didn't wander forty
years in the desert after getting chased out of Egypt. I haven't burned any
witches or been persecuted by the Turks and neither have you! So, shut the
hell up already.
I want to know which church is it exactly where the Reverend Jesse Jackson
practices, where he gets his money, and why he is always part of the
problem and not the solution. Can I get an AMEN on that one?
I think the cops have every right to shoot your sorry ass if you're
running from them. I also think they have the right to pull you over if
you're breaking the law, regardless of what color you are. I think if you
are too stupid to know how a ballot works, I don't want you deciding who
should be running the most powerful nation in the world for the next four
years.
If this makes me a BAD American, then yes, I'm a BAD American. If
you are a BAD American too, please forward this to everyone you know. We
need our country back!
"Everything that is really great and inspiring is created by the
individual who can labor in freedom." ~ Albert Einstein
I REST MY BEEF
Cases heard in U.S. civil and criminal courts as posted on the
American Bar Association's online magazine:
* Schmuck v. Dumm
* Gerald Mayo v. Satan and His Staff
* State v. Big Hair
* Henny Penny v. Chicken Little
* Advance Whip & Novelty Co. v. Benevolent Protective Order
of Elks
* Fried v. Rice
* Hamburger v. Fry
* Loser v. Superior Court of Alameda County
* People v. Fester
* Jones v. God, Jesus, Others
* Truelove v. Truelove
* Klink v. Looney
* Short v. Long
* People v. Booger
* United States of America v. 2,116 Boxes of Boned Beef,
Weighing Approx. 154,121 Pounds, and 541 Boxes of Offal,
Weighing Approximately 17,732 pounds
"There were so many candidates on the platform that there were not enough
promises to go around." ~ Ronald Reagan
SPOLIN FOR A NIGHT...
Actually two, and I hope to be there to see Viola Spolin's
critically acclaimed Original LA Company performing her Classic Improv
Theater Games!
And that would be -- Eddie Allen, Dan Castellaneta, Donna Dubain,
Deb Lacusta, Danny Mann, John Mariano, Anna Mathias, Gail Matthius, David
McCharen, Edie McClurg, Pat Musick and Gary Schwartz -- Friday & Saturday
October 8 & 9 @ 8 PM at Theatre Palisades, 941 Temescal Canyon Road.
Reservations 310.454.1970 or www.theatrepalisades.org
"I don't care if John Kerry is a sack of cement, we're going to carry
him to victory!" ~ Jim Hightower
SPASEEBO!
To comrades Merritt Andrews, Glen Banks, Billy Bowles, Bill Coombs,
Tony Gibson, Bob Joles and, Tony Palermo, Chicago Symphony's principle tuba
Gene Pokorny, J.W. Reynolds, Michael Sheehan, and Pat Willson.
"SWIMS looks the same upside down and backwards." ~ PHil's
Phunny Phacts
+++++++++ ( September 21 2004) +++++++++
* FIRESIGN: http://www.firesigntheatre.com
* FIRESIGN CDS: http://www.laugh.com
* MORE SUGAR: http://www.lodestonecatalog.com
* FUNNY TIMES: http://www.funnytimes.com
PLANET PROCTOR (C) 2004 by Phil Proctor
(((((((((((PLANET FRED – 2009 ~ 20 ( http://www.planetproctor.com )))))))))))))))
"There's no business like show business, but there are several businesses like accounting." ~ David Letterman
YES, VIRGINIA, THERE IS A SANTA CLAUS – BUT…
There are approximately two billion children in the world, but since Santa does not visit Muslim, Hindu, Jewish or Buddhist offspring, the workload for Christmas night is 15% of the total, or 378 million, and at an average rate of 3.5 children per household, that comes to 108 million homes, presuming that there is at least one good child in each.
Santa has about 31 hours of Christmas to work with thanks to the different time zones and the rotation of the earth, which works out to 967.7 visits per second – or for each Christian household with a good child, around 1/1000th of a second to park the sleigh, hop out, jump down the chimney, fill the stockings, distribute the remaining presents under the tree, eat whatever snacks have been left for him, get back up the chimney, jump into the sleigh and get on to the next house.
Assuming that each of these stops is evenly distributed, we’re talking about 0.78 miles per household; a total trip of 75.5 million miles, not counting bathroom stops or breaks. This means Santa's sleigh is moving at 650 miles per second or 3,000 times the speed of sound.
For purposes of comparison, the fastest man-made vehicle, the Ulysses space probe, moves at a poky 27.4 miles per second and a conventional reindeer can run, at best, 15 miles per hour, so assuming that each child gets nothing more than a medium-sized 2-pound Lego set, the sleigh is carrying over 500 thousand tons, not counting Santa himself.
On land, a conventional reindeer can pull no more than 300 pounds. Even granting that the "flying" reindeer could pull ten times the normal amount, the job can't be done with eight or even nine of them - Santa would need 360,000. This increases the payload, not counting the weight of the sleigh, another 54,000 tons, or roughly seven times the weight of the Queen Elizabeth (the ship, not the monarch), and 600,000 tons traveling at 650 miles per second would heat up the reindeer in the same fashion as a spacecraft re-entering the earth's atmosphere. In short, they would burst into flames almost instantaneously, creating deafening sonic booms and vaporizing the entire team within 4.26 thousandths of a second, or right about the time Santa reached the fifth house on his trip.
Not that it matters, however, since Santa, as a result of accelerating from a dead stop to 650 mps in .001 seconds, would be subjected to a centrifugal force of 17,500 gs, meaning that a 250-pound Santa would be pinned to the back of the sleigh by 4,315,015 pounds, instantly reducing him to a jolly old quivering blob of pinkish goo.
Therefore, dear Virginia, if Santa ever did exist -- he's long dead now.
The number of Americans who said they have interacted with a ghost has doubled over the last 13 years. ~ Phil’s Phunny Phacts
OUR FRIEND, FRED
“Studio owner, engineer, producer and industry figure Fred Jones passed away on December 9, 2009 after suffering a stroke,” writes George Petersen in a comprehensive article chronicling Fred’s life for Mix Magazine. “He was the longtime husband to Laurel Cash-Jones, an audio author, and former AES Regional/International VP…” http://mixonline.com/news/fred_jones_obit_1112/index.html
(And here are my recollections intermixed with George’s memorium. Corrections are welcomed for the web post…)
I first met Fred in 1971 when he interviewed Proctor & Bergman as D.J. “General Bird Dog” at a station in Long Beach where he was also program director. In 1974, he moved from his family home in Downey to become a recording engineer with LA studios like Sound Services Inc. and Wally Heider Recording before creating his own Fred Jones Recording Services in a high-rise on Sunset in 1981 -- a one-room studio that soon was transformed into a “6,500-square-foot, state-of-the-art multi-room facility with services as diverse as 24-track audio for video post-production studios, and rooms specially designed for radio commercial production.”
He was also a pioneer in phone patch, satellite links and 2-track digital recording and over the years, I believe the facility became known as Sunset Recording and then Hollywood Recording Services.
"It is every man's obligation to put back into the world at least the equivalent of what he takes out of it." ~ Albert Einstein
CHAPTER 11
Ultimately, Fred sold his business to his general manager Barry Skolnick and with Laurel founded CJ Technology to promote a line of products for the audio/computer business; but during the NAB show in 1991, attendees were shocked to hear that Fred and Laurel were victims of a violent home-invasion crime when they spent a weekend at Skolnick’s condo in Las Vegas. As they lay in bed, they were brutally shot in the face multiple times, ending Fred’s voice-over career and leading to many agonizing years of reconstructive surgeries and therapy. It was a bizarre crime, which culminated in Barry’s murder in 1996 on the parking roof of Fred’s former studios.
Investigators suspect that Coleman Allen, deceased president of a Huntington Beach finance company under scrutiny for strong-arm methods, orchestrated the murder, as 30-year-old Skolnick was deeply in debt to the company which also took out a $2.5-million life insurance policy on him after Allen took control of the studio,. Indeed, Fred long suspected that the Las Vegas hit was designed to warn Barry that his creditors meant business!
“For every complex problem, there is an answer that is clear, simple – and wrong.” ~ H.L. Menken
LIFE GOES ON
After several years of consulting to audio companies during his recuperation, Fred became product-marketing manager for Panasonic’s Pro Audio Division and then returned to his production roots as chief audio engineer for the leading game developer Electronic Arts; and in 2006, they semi-retired to Las Vegas, where he continued his consultancy practice.
Fred was a member of SAG, AFTRA and NARAS, received 2 Grammy nominations and was awarded numerous prestigious advertising honors, including IBAs, Beldings, Addys, BPMEs and 11 Clios.
He worked with Loggins & Messina, Manhattan Transfer, Rita Coolidge, The Chambers Bros., James Earl Jones, Don Dorsey, Robin Williams, Joan Rivers, Stan Freberg, Steve Allen, Ray Bradbury, Gary Owens and Roy Rogers, among others.
“But,” concludes Petersen, “Fred’s lasting legacy is the many classic albums he engineered and produced with The Firesign Theatre. He will be missed.”
Picture by David “Mr.Bonzai “ Goggin, first time he met FST.
Laurel says that a memorial service in the Los Angeles area is being planned for mid–January to coincide with the NAMM International Music Products Association show. We’ll keep you posted.
"[Our friend} has departed from this strange world a little ahead of me. That means nothing. People like us...know that the distinction between past, present, and future is only a stubbornly persistent illusion.” ~ Albert Einstein
AND FINALLY…
A personal remembrance from our friend, audio producer, on-air personality, actor and fellow Kentucky Colonel, Richard Fish who met Fred on the Otherworld production of WE HOLD THESE TRUTHS by Norman Corwin in 1991.
“He was running Sunset Recording (if I remember the name right) at the time, a complex of ten studios in a building on Sunset Boulevard. We used as many as five of them, simultaneously, to put together that program in the week between the recording of the voices (Dec. 9-10 in a Burbank studio) and the most incredible deadline ever: precisely one hour of satellite time at noon, on Friday December 15, with every radio network in the United States, both public and commercial, plus the CBC and the BBC and maybe others, waiting to download what we sent.
“Fred was absolutely wonderful. His business and his building ran like the proverbial fine Swiss watch. He presided over the 24-track room where the program was assembled, calm, patient, meticulous, indefatigable. Problems and glitches were solved as they arose. Even when, as late as Wednesday, we discovered the program was 12 minutes overtime, Fred got busy preparing for adjustments with unruffled, cheerful practicality…
“We had a 27-hour marathon at the end, putting everything together and mixing it down. The final mix (on reel-to-reel tape, in that primitive era) was ready just 40 minutes before the uplink was due to begin. The usual procedure was to transfer the two half-hour reels to a single one-hour DAT tape, and upload from that. But there was no time for this. No matter. Fred simply had two tape machines rolled into the room with the uplink, and we fed the program directly from those.
“I have never met a better audio engineer than Fred Jones, or a nicer guy either -- and never expect to. In 1991, he and his wife were still recovering from that horrible, vicious attack, and their courage and fortitude were a profound inspiration.
“His work with The Firesign Theatre remains, a flawless example of audio production skill which was fully up to the level of the creative genius blazing away at the other end of the microphone cable. I'm terribly sorry he's gone. Hollywood is a little less competent than it was.”
"A life spent making mistakes is not only more honorable but more useful than a life spent doing nothing."~ George Bernard Shaw
MAN/WO/MAN SAME THING
Being gay is not natural. Real Americans always reject unnatural things like eyeglasses, polyester, and air conditioning. Gay marriage will encourage people to be gay, in the same way that hanging around straight people encourages gay people to be straight.
Gay marriage will change the foundation of society; we could never adapt to new social norms. Just like we haven’t adapted to cars, the service-sector economy, or longer life spans. Straight marriage has been around a long time and hasn’t changed at all; women are still property, blacks still can’t marry whites, and divorce is still illegal.
Straight marriage will be less meaningful if gay marriage were allowed; the sanctity of Britney Spears’ 55-hour just-for-fun marriage would be destroyed.
Straight marriages are valid because they produce children. Gay couples, infertile couples, and old people shouldn’t be allowed to marry because our orphanages aren’t full yet, and the world needs more children.
Gay parents will raise gay children, since straight parents only raise straight children. Gay marriage is not supported by religion. In a theocracy like ours, the values of one religion are imposed on the entire country. That’s why we have only one religion in America.
Children can never succeed without a male and a female role model at home. That’s why we as a society expressly forbid single parents to raise children. Legalizing gay marriage will open the door to all kinds of crazy behavior. People may even wish to marry their pets because a dog has legal standing and can sign a marriage contract.
Now just tell this to Mexico City…
It was just announced that Tiger will be changing his name to 'Cheetah'. ~ Phil’s Phunny Phacts
THE OLD SWITCHEROO
Tom Gedwillo and artist Phil Fountain have just launched an online "magazine" version of It's Just This Little Chromium Switch Here, a webzine devoted to The Firesign Theatre. The first issue is available for free download as a special "tease" in hopes of getting all the Seekers out there (we hear you never give one an even break) to purchase a yearly subscription at a mere $20 for 4 or 5 issues.
Numero Uno features an exclusive interview with the one and only Philip Proctor! They also cornered renowned artist William (In The Next World You're On Your Own) Stout and coerced him into telling us all about his time working with The Firesigners. Plus, there's news and notes, a profile on Peter Bergman and his solo shows, an original David Ossman collage poem, Letters to the Editor, a Philbert's Phiresign Phunnies and a lot more! It's 24-pages of Firesign-centric fun! Check it out! And buy a subscription! http://mag.chromiumswitch.orgg/CSMagazine-01.pdf
"Where there's a bill, there's a pay!" ~Steven Allen Green
SURRENDER, DOROTHY
The United States Senate today unveiled details of its health care plan, tentatively called CompromiseCareTM:
* People with no coverage will be allowed to keep their current plan.
* Medicare will be extended to 55-year-olds as soon as they turn 65.
* You will have access to cheap Canadian drugs if you live in Canada.
* States whose names contain vowels will be allowed to opt out of the plan.
* You get to choose which doctor you cannot afford to see.
* You will not have to be pre-certified to qualify for cremation.
* A patient will be considered "pre-existing" if he or she already exists.
* You'll be free to choose between medications and heating fuel.
* Patients can access quality health care if they can prove their name is "Lieberman."
* You will have access to natural remedies, such as death.
(Thanks to Andy Borowitz and The Borowitz Report.)
“What we have in this country is socialism for the rich and free enterprise for the poor.” ~ Gore Vidal
HOHOHO
Thanks to Jim Reynolds, M.C. Gwynne, Jon Gwynne, Tom Kane, Kenneth Wilhite, Jr., Sky McDougall, Nick Oliva, Will Durst, Robert Riddle, Jayne Stahl, Bob Joles, Mack Dryden, Amy Walker, and Victor Kopcewich. And Happy Fish-mas to All!
Watching government in action is watching government inaction. - Phil's Phunny Phacts
HEIGHOHO
HOHONO: http://www.youtube.com/user/bigbangvoiceover
NONONO: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=0kM34R_djZw
LIVER: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=SItFvB0Upb8
KIDS: http://www.sundog.net/carolofthechins/flash/card.swf
SILENT MONKS: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=ZCFCeJTEzNU
DOGGY TREETIME: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=AUtPKbMwnRo
PUSH: http://gajitz.com/push-button-wait-forever-crosswalk-buttons-are-fake/
F*CK XMAS: YouTube - Fuck Christmas - Eric Idle (+lyrics)
MESSY MONKS : http://www.norcalblogs.com/post_scripts/2009/12/silent-monks.html
PLATES: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=NgiCX_y1BW8
MINDPONG : http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=y8fJT3KyAe0&feature=related12:
SNC: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=2Fe11OlMiz8
TOP/BOTTOM : http://www.redroom.com/blog/will-durst/the-top-ten-comedic-news-stories-2009
SIMS: http://www.cnn.com/2009/SHOWBIZ/TV/12/14/simpsons.anniversary.end/index.html
“ Female voice. American. Sultry like drinking chocolate from the back of a moose.” ~ Interactive Game direction
++++++++++++ DECEMBER 23, 2009 ++++++++++++
* FIRESIGN CDS: http://www.laugh.com
* BEARWHIZ: http://www.eagletshirts.com
* FUNNY TIMES: http://www.funnytimes.com
* FST: http://www.FiresignTheatre.com
One kiss under the mistletoe burns 26 calories ~ Phil’s Phunny Phacts
Planet Proctor © Phil Proctor 2009
“Comedy is simply a funny way of being serious.”
~ Peter Ustinov
THE DEPARTMENT OF REDUNDANCY
DEPARTMENT
Does anyone know why some people, including me, get
multiple copies of emails???
Does anyone know why some people, including me, get
multiple copies of emails???
“The ?nal mystery is oneself.” ~ Oscar Wilde
GO NORTH, YOUNG MEN
And so we have! On tour, at least. And Pe-
ter Bergman has moved to a lovely house
on Whidbey Island not far from Ossman
and family, and Melinda and I stayed
at Jim and Brigit Drake’s charm-
ing, homey cabin just across
Honeymoon Bay from David
and Judith’s place for our devil-
ishly funny WICA performance
last week. It was a sellout for both
shows and we met many wonder-
ful fans who came from as far away as
Canada (not really far) and we’ll be back
north again this weekend for four shows at
the Kirkland Performance Center and the Ta-
coma Broadway Center.
Rich Carlson sent this
link for those of you who
missed us or want to see
us.
Also, we want to thank
Phil and Oona Austin
for their unbridled after-
show hospitality, al-
though they exploited us shamelessly, making us work like
slaves on a cruelly complicated puzzle of a map of Rome
while we were there.
More touring to come…
“Feeling gratitude
and not expressing
it is like wrapping
a present and not
giving It.”
~ William Arthur
Ward
THROUGHOUT THE ‘PLANET,’ CLICKING
BOLD, DARK RED TYPE
OPENS A RELATED INTERNET LINK.
GO NORTH, YOUNG MEN
And so we have! On tour, at least. And Pe-
ter Bergman has moved to a lovely house
on Whidbey Island not far from Ossman
and family, and Melinda and I stayed
at Jim and Brigit Drake’s charm-
ing, homey cabin just across
Honeymoon Bay from David
and Judith’s place for our devil-
ishly funny WICA performance
last week. It was a sellout for both
shows and we met many wonder-
ful fans who came from as far away as
Canada (not really far) and we’ll be back
north again this weekend for four shows at
the Kirkland Performance Center and the Ta-
coma Broadway Center.
Rich Carlson sent this
link for those of you who
missed us or want to see
us.
Also, we want to thank
Phil and Oona Austin
for their unbridled after-
show hospitality, al-
though they exploited us shamelessly, making us work like
slaves on a cruelly complicated puzzle of a map of Rome
while we were there.
More touring to come…
“Feeling gratitude
and not expressing
it is like wrapping
a present and not
giving It.”
~ William Arthur
Ward
THROUGHOUT THE ‘PLANET,’ CLICKING
BOLD, DARK RED TYPE
OPENS A RELATED INTERNET LINK.
THIS WEEKEND
Kirkland
Performance Center
Tacoma’s Broadway Center for
the Performing Arts
clIcK for INfo
n CONTINUED
POLICE BLOTTO
While assembling a book of Proctor & Berg-
man’s tours from 1973-1978, our brilliant and
obsessive archivist/producer, Taylor Jessen,
found a Police Blotter I tore from a student
newspaper at the University of Buffalo. Here
are some of the items…
Goodyear Hall – Criminal Mischief – Stair-
ways ?lled with furniture and so were the
elevators.
Fargo – Petit (sic) Larceny – a woman re-
ports that unknown persons removed 30
hot and cold water faucets from lavato-
ries.
Lehman Lounge – Petit Larceny – A
student reports a Schaeffer beer tap was
stolen from the lounge.
Wilkeson – Aggravated Harassment – A
woman reports receiving a phone call
from an unknown male asking her how
she was.
(And ?nally, please tell me what the hell
this means:)
Fargo – Disorderly Conduct – Of?cers ob-
served three males walking down MFAC.
One had a hammer in his hand, which he
was going to use to penny in some girls.
(I’ll send an e-penny to anyone who can ex-
plain this turn of phrase!)
“I believe that the moment is near when,
through a process of thought of a paranoid
and active character, it will be possible…to
systemize confusion and contribute to the
total discrediting of the worlds of reality.”
~ Salvador Dali
KITTY REALITY SHOW
“Cats” is the longest-running show on Broad-
way to date, romanticizing the mysterious lives
and habits of America’s most popular pet. But even with the
lively dancing and popular songs, it doesn’t really capture
the true-to-life behavior of our feline companions. So here
is how “Cats” could more accurately portray the true es-
sence of our furry friends…
Audience members would enter the auditorium
only to ?nd their seats had been clawed and covered with
fur. Part of the performance would include the cast climb-
ing and shredding the theater curtains. Performers would
leap off the stage and run up the aisles at the recorded
n CONTINUED
PARTY LINE. Scenes from recent jaunts, captured by iPhone –
The view from the Drakes’ cabin on Whidbey; Bergman’s new
sound of a can opener in the lobby. Sometimes
the cast would perform, but sometimes not
-- depending on their mood. In the middle of a
performance various cast members would curl
up and go to sleep, even in the middle of a song.
When certain audience members opened their
playbills, a cast member would attempt to lie
down on it. A special audience member would
?nd a headless bird in his/her seat after the
intermission.
For no apparent reason, cast members would
randomly run to the lobby, and then back to the
stage at top speed. They would then continue as
if nothing had happened. The show would need
to be stopped several times to allow cast mem-
bers to “bathe” themselves. The stage would be
stained from someone coughing up a hairball.
Snack bar employees would constantly be rep-
rimanding cast members for walking on the counter. Open
the stall door and guess who is drinking from the toilet?
Performers would ?nd sand in the lobby ashtrays and --
well, we don’t have to draw a picture here, do we?
The big ?nale would feature a giant ball of yarn, feathers on
a pole, and stray strands of dental ?oss. Most of the ?nal
act would consist of the cast just staring at the audience.
Theater patrons waiting outside the stage door after per-
formances would get their legs rubbed, if they were lucky.
And the best part? Cast members would never cash their
paychecks, just play with them.
“You call yourself a patriot, and loyal Subject to the
Crown? I do not call myself subject to much at all...”
~ The Last of the Mohicans
HAPPY UN-BIRTHDAY
A wife decides to take her husband to a strip club for his
birthday. They arrive at the club and the doorman says,
“Hey, Dave! How ya doin’?” His wife is puzzled and asks if
he’s been to this club before. “Oh, no,” says Dave, “He’s on
my bowling team.”
When they are seated, a waitress asks Dave if he’d like his
usual and brings over a Budweiser. His wife is becoming
increasingly uncomfortable and says, “How did she know
that you drink Budweiser?”
“She’s in the Ladies’ Bowling League, honey. We share
lanes with them.” Then, a stripper comes over to their
table, throws her arms around Dave and says “Hi Davey.
Want your usual lap dance, big boy?” Dave’s wife, now furi-
ous, grabs her purse and storms out of the club.
Dave follows and spots her getting into a cab. Before she
can slam the door, he jumps in beside her. He tries desper-
ately to explain how the stripper must have mistaken him
for someone else, but his wife is having none of it. She is
screaming at him at the top of her lungs, calling him every
name in the book. The cabby turns his head and says,
“Looks like you picked up a real bitch tonight, Dave.”
The aging process could be slowed down
if it had to work its way through Congress.
~ Phil’s Phunny Phacts
THE WORKING CLASS
More former jobs of famous people as collected by the
amazing Eddie Deezen:
Sandra Bullock was a coat checker and Larry David
repaired TVs, while Steve McQueen was a towel boy in a
brothel, and Ronald Reagan – a circus roustabout. Other
future politicians like Thomas Paine, Millard Fillmore and
Lyndon Johnson were respectively, a corset maker, a
schoolteacher and a trapper. Yeah, that’s Lyndon.
Gloria Steinem sold clothing, Earle Stanley Gardner was a
boxer, John Harvey ”Cereal King” Kellogg, a surgeon; and
famed Western writer Zane Grey - a dentist.
John Travolta started as a ticket taker, athletic Errol Flynn
n CONTINUED
CLICK THE WORD
TO GO TO THE SITE
ATTITUDES
TRASH
PERRO
HARD
DOWN
ROBOTS
SLAVES
WARRIORS
PLANET CLICK
Theater patrons waiting outside the stage door after per-
formances would get their legs rubbed, if they were lucky.
And the best part? Cast members would never cash their
paychecks, just play with them.
“You call yourself a patriot, and loyal Subject to the
Crown? I do not call myself subject to much at all...”
~ The Last of the Mohicans
HAPPY UN-BIRTHDAY
A wife decides to take her husband to a strip club for his
birthday. They arrive at the club and the doorman says,
“Hey, Dave! How ya doin’?” His wife is puzzled and asks if
he’s been to this club before. “Oh, no,” says Dave, “He’s on
my bowling team.”
When they are seated, a waitress asks Dave if he’d like his
usual and brings over a Budweiser. His wife is becoming
increasingly uncomfortable and says, “How did she know
that you drink Budweiser?”
“She’s in the Ladies’ Bowling League, honey. We share
lanes with them.” Then, a stripper comes over to their
table, throws her arms around Dave and says “Hi Davey.
Want your usual lap dance, big boy?” Dave’s wife, now furi-
ous, grabs her purse and storms out of the club.
Dave follows and spots her getting into a cab. Before she
can slam the door, he jumps in beside her. He tries desper-
ately to explain how the stripper must have mistaken him
for someone else, but his wife is having none of it. She is
screaming at him at the top of her lungs, calling him every
name in the book. The cabby turns his head and says,
“Looks like you picked up a real bitch tonight, Dave.”
The aging process could be slowed down
if it had to work its way through Congress.
~ Phil’s Phunny Phacts
THE WORKING CLASS
More former jobs of famous people as collected by the
amazing Eddie Deezen:
Sandra Bullock was a coat checker and Larry David
repaired TVs, while Steve McQueen was a towel boy in a
brothel, and Ronald Reagan – a circus roustabout. Other
future politicians like Thomas Paine, Millard Fillmore and
Lyndon Johnson were respectively, a corset maker, a
schoolteacher and a trapper. Yeah, that’s Lyndon.
Gloria Steinem sold clothing, Earle Stanley Gardner was a
boxer, John Harvey ”Cereal King” Kellogg, a surgeon; and
famed Western writer Zane Grey - a dentist.
John Travolta started as a ticket taker, athletic Errol Flynn
n CONTINUED
was a police of?cer, “Titanic” James “Avatar” Cameron
drove a truck, tough guy Robert Mitchum worked in a car
factory and suave Roger “007” Moore? Well, he was a
model for knitting patterns.
“After all very not to be easy during
our heavy time the happy man.”
~ Autograph request from Russian Rugrats fan
Alexsey Sapozhnikov
TV OR NOT TV
In the midst of all the brouhaha (hahaha) swirling around
the future of NBC’s Late Night giants Conan and Leno,
Planeteer Kurt Erikson sent me a quote from the 1978
book Four Arguments For The Elimination Of Television:
”It is no accident that television has been dominated by a
handful of corporate powers. Neither is it accidental that
television has been used to re-create human beings into a
new form that matches the arti?cial, commercial environ-
ment. A conspiracy of technological and economic factors
made this inevitable and continue to.”
“I don’t make jokes. I just watch
the government and report the facts”
~ Will Rogers
PIPES
A Planeteer writes: As a Bagpiper, I
play many funeral gigs. Recently I was
asked by a funeral director to play at a
graveside service for a homeless man. He
had no family or friends, so the service was
to be at a pauper’s cemetery in the Kentucky
backcountry.
As I was not familiar with the backwoods, I got lost; and be-
ing a typical man I didn’t stop for directions. I ?nally arrived
an hour late and saw the funeral guy had evidently gone
and the hearse was nowhere in sight. There were only the
diggers and crew left and they were eating lunch.
I felt badly and apologized to the men for being late. I didn’t
know what else to do, so I started to play. The workers put
down their lunches and began to gather around. I played
out my heart and soul for this man with no family and
friends. I played like I’ve never played before for this home-
less man. And as I played ‘Amazing Grace,’ the workers
began to weep. They wept, I wept, we all wept together.
When I ?nished I packed up my bagpipes and started for
my car. Though my head hung low my heart was full.
As I was opening the door to my car, I heard one of the
workers say, “Sweet Mother of Jesus, I never seen nothin’
like that before, and I’ve been putting in septic tanks for
twenty years.”
“A ?ne quotation is a diamond on the ?nger of a
man of wit, and a pebble in the hand of a fool.”
~ Cartographer Joseph Roux
as quoted in “The Week”
“I don’t make jokes. I just watch
the government and report the facts”
~ Will Rogers
PIPES
A Planeteer writes: As a Bagpiper, I
play many funeral gigs. Recently I was
asked by a funeral director to play at a
graveside service for a homeless man. He
had no family or friends, so the service was
to be at a pauper’s cemetery in the Kentucky
backcountry.
As I was not familiar with the backwoods, I got lost; and be-
ing a typical man I didn’t stop for directions. I ?nally arrived
an hour late and saw the funeral guy had evidently gone
and the hearse was nowhere in sight. There were only the
diggers and crew left and they were eating lunch.
I felt badly and apologized to the men for being late. I didn’t
know what else to do, so I started to play. The workers put
down their lunches and began to gather around. I played
out my heart and soul for this man with no family and
friends. I played like I’ve never played before for this home-
less man. And as I played ‘Amazing Grace,’ the workers
began to weep. They wept, I wept, we all wept together.
When I ?nished I packed up my bagpipes and started for
my car. Though my head hung low my heart was full.
As I was opening the door to my car, I heard one of the
workers say, “Sweet Mother of Jesus, I never seen nothin’
like that before, and I’ve been putting in septic tanks for
twenty years.”
“A ?ne quotation is a diamond on the ?nger of a
man of wit, and a pebble in the hand of a fool.”
~ Cartographer Joseph Roux
as quoted in “The Week”
PLATITUDES
To Victor Kopcewich, Nick Oliva, Patty Paul,
Victor Kopcewich, Jayne Lynne Stahl, Bill
Coombs, Peter Bergman, Garry Margo-
lis, Kenneth Wilhite, Jr., Thom Hartmann
and Steve Carlson.
“There is no pleasure in having
nothing to do; the fun is in
having lots to do and not doing it.
~ Writer Mary Wilson in The Toronto Star
PLANET PROCTOR © Phil Proctor 2010 • layout and production Cris Gross / Theatertimes.org
“Worry is a misuse of the imagination.” ~ Dan Zadra
FIRESIGN CDs: http://www.laugh.com
BEARWHIZ BEER http://www.eagletshirts.com
FUNNY TIMES: http://www.funnytimes.com
FST: http://www.FiresignTheatre.com
((((((((((PLANET FUTURE – 2010~02 ( http://www.planetproctor.com ))))))))))))
"Comedy is simply a funny way of being serious." ~ Peter Ustinov
THE DEPARTMENT OF REDUNDANCY DEPARTMENT
Does anyone know why some people, including me, get multiple copies of emails???
Does anyone know why some people, including me, get multiple copies of emails???
“The final mystery is oneself.” ~ Oscar Wilde
POLICE BLOTTO
While assembling a book of Proctor & Bergman’s tours from 1973-1978, our brilliant and obsessive archivist/producer, Taylor Jessen, found a Police Blotter I tore from a student newspaper at the University of Buffalo. Here are some of the items…
Goodyear Hall – Criminal Mischief – Stairways filled with furniture and so were the elevators.
Fargo – Petit (sic) Larceny – a woman reports that unknown persons removed 30 hot and cold water faucets from lavatories.
Lehman Lounge – Petit Larceny – A student reports a Schaeffer beer tap was stolen from the lounge.
Wilkeson – Aggravated Harassment – A woman reports receiving a phone call from an unknown male asking her how she was. (And finally, please tell me what the hell this means:)
Fargo – Disorderly Conduct – Officers observed three males walking down MFAC. One had a hammer in his hand, which he was going to use to penny in some girls.
(I’ll send an e-penny to anyone who can explain this turn of phrase! )
“I believe that the moment is near when, through a process of thought of a paranoid and active character, it will be possible…to systemize confusion and contribute to the total discrediting of the worlds of reality.” ~ Salvador Dali
GO NORTH, YOUNG MEN
And so we have! On tour, at least. And Peter Bergman has moved to a lovely house on Whidbey Island not far from Ossman and family, and Melinda and I stayed at Jim and Brigit Drake’s charming, homey cabin just across Honeymoon Bay from David and Judith’s place for our devilishly funny WICA performance last week. It was a sellout for both shows and we met many wonderful fans who came from as far away as Canada (not really far) and we’ll be back north again this weekend for 4 shows at the Kirkland Performance Center and the Tacoma Broadway Center. Rich Carlson sent this link for those of you who missed us or want to see us: http://www.digital-eel.com/
Also, we want to thank Phil and Oona Austin for their unbridled after-show hospitality, although they exploited us shamelessly, making us work like slaves on a cruelly complicated puzzle of a map of Rome while we were there.
More touring to come…
"Feeling gratitude and not expressing it is like wrapping a present and not giving It." ~ William Arthur Ward
KITTY REALITY SHOW
“Cats" is the longest-running show on Broadway to date, romanticizing the mysterious lives and habits of America's most popular pet. But even with the lively dancing and popular songs, it doesn't really capture the true-to-life behavior of our feline companions. So here is how "Cats" could more accurately portray the true essence of our furry friends…
- Audience members would enter the auditorium only to find their seats had been clawed and covered with fur. Part of the performance would include the cast climbing and shredding the theater curtains. Performers would leap off the stage and run up the aisles at the recorded sound of a can opener in the lobby. Sometimes the cast would perform, but sometimes not -- depending on their mood. In the middle of a performance various cast members would curl up and go to sleep, even in the middle of a song. When certain audience members opened their playbills, a cast member would attempt to lie down on it. A special audience member would find a headless bird in his/her seat after the intermission.
- For no apparent reason, cast members would randomly run to the lobby, and then back to the stage at top speed. They would then continue as if nothing had happened. The show would need to be stopped several times to allow cast members to "bathe" themselves. The stage would be stained from someone coughing up a hairball.
- Snack bar employees would constantly be reprimanding cast members for walking on the counter. Open the stall door and guess who is drinking from the toilet? Performers would find sand in the lobby ashtrays and -- well, we don't have to draw a picture here, do we?
- The big finale would feature a giant ball of yarn, feathers on a pole, and stray strands of dental floss. Most of the final act would consist of the cast just staring at the audience.
- Theater patrons waiting outside the stage door after performances would get their legs rubbed, if they were lucky. And the best part? Cast members would never cash their paychecks, just play with them.
“You call yourself a patriot, and loyal Subject to the Crown? I do not call myself subject to much at all..." ~ The Last of the Mohicans
HAPPY UN-BIRTHDAY
A wife decides to take her husband to a strip club for his birthday. They arrive at the club and the doorman says, “Hey, Dave! How ya doin’?” His wife is puzzled and asks if he’s been to this club before. “Oh, no,” says Dave, “He’s on my bowling team.”
When they are seated, a waitress asks Dave if he’d like his usual and brings over a Budweiser. His wife is becoming increasingly uncomfortable and says, “How did she know that you drink Budweiser?”
“She’s in the Ladies’ Bowling League, honey. We share lanes with them.” Then, a stripper then comes over to their table, throws her arms around Dave and says “Hi Davey. Want your usual lap dance, big boy?” Dave’s wife, now furious, grabs her purse and storms out of the club.
Dave follows and spots her getting into a cab. Before she can slam the door, he jumps in beside her. He tries desperately to explain how the stripper must have mistaken him for someone else, but his wife is having none of it. She is screaming at him at the top of her lungs, calling him every name in the book. The cabby turns his head and says,
“Looks like you picked up a real bitch tonight, Dave.”
The aging process could be slowed down if it had to work its way through Congress. ~ Phil’s Phunny Phacts
THE WORKING CLASS
More former jobs of famous people as collected by the amazing Eddie Deezen:
Sandra Bullock was a coat checker and Larry David repaired TVs, while Steve McQueen was a towel boy in a brothel, and Ronald Reagan – a circus roustabout. Other future politicians like Thomas Paine, Millard Fillmore and Lyndon Johnson were respectively, a corset maker, a schoolteacher and a trapper. Yeah, that’s Lyndon.
Gloria Steinem sold clothing, Earle Stanley Gardner was a boxer, John Harvey ”Cereal King” Kellogg, a surgeon; and famed Western writer Zane Grey - a dentist
John Travolta started as a ticket taker, athletic Errol Flynn was a police officer, “Titanic” James “Avatar” Cameron drove a truck, tough guy Robert Mitchum worked in a car factory and suave Roger “007” Moore? Well, he was a model for knitting patterns.
“After all very not to be easy during our heavy time the happy man.” ~ Autograph request from Russian Rugrats fan Alexsey Sapozhnikov
TV OR NOT TV
In the midst of all the brouhaha (hahaha) swirling around the future of NBC’s Late Night giants Conan and Leno, Planeteer Kurt Erikson sent me a quote from the 1978 book Four Arguments For The Elimination Of Television:
”It is no accident that television has been dominated by a handful of corporate powers. Neither is it accidental that television has been used to re-create human beings into a new form that matches the artificial, commercial environment. A conspiracy of technological and economic factors made this inevitable and continue to." http://www.mypassionisbooks.com/
“I don't make jokes. I just watch the government and report the facts” ~ Will Rogers
PIPES
A Planeteer writes: As a Bagpiper, I play many funeral gigs. Recently I was asked by a funeral director to play at a graveside service for a homeless man. He had no family or friends, so the service was to be at a pauper's cemetery in the Kentucky backcountry.
As I was not familiar with the backwoods, I got lost; and being a typical man I didn't stop for directions. I finally arrived an hour late and saw the funeral guy had evidently gone and the hearse was nowhere in sight. There were only the diggers and crew left and they were eating lunch.
I felt badly and apologized to the men for being late. I didn't know what else to do, so I started to play. The workers put down their lunches and began to gather around. I played out my heart and soul for this man with no family and friends. I played like I've never played before for this homeless man. And as I played 'Amazing Grace,' the workers began to weep. They wept, I wept, we all wept together.
When I finished I packed up my bagpipes and started for my car. Though my head hung low my heart was full.
As I was opening the door to my car, I heard one of the workers say, "Sweet Mother of Jesus, I never seen nothin' like that before, and I've been putting in septic tanks for twenty years."
“A fine quotation is a diamond on the finger of a man of wit, and a pebble in the hand of a fool.” ~ Cartographer Joseph Roux as quoted in “The Week”
PLATITUDES
To Victor Kopcewich, Nick Oliva, Patty Paul, Victor Kopcewich, Jayne Lynne Stahl, Bill Coombs, Peter Bergman, Garry Margolis, Kenneth Wilhite, Jr., Thom Hartmann and Steve Carlson.
“There is no pleasure in having nothing to do; the fun is in having lots to do and not doing it.” ~ Writer Mary Wilson in The Toronto Star
ATTITUDES
TRASH: http://chrisjordan.com/
PERRO : http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Mhrze8kJQM0
HARD: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=zLEMncv140s
DOWN: http://www.youtube.com/watch_popup?v=tE_5eiYn0D0#t=109
ROBOTS: http://m.apnews.com/ap/db_16036/contentdetail.htm?contentguid=o3Hs0heO
SLAVES: http://m.apnews.com/ap/db_16053/contentdetail.htm?contentguid=plwa6u0S WARRIORS: http://www.dailymotion.com/video/xbqorv_des-soldats-americains-partagent-le_webcam+,+a
"Worry is a misuse of the imagination.” ~ Dan Zadra
++++++++++++ JANUARY 18, 2010 ++++++++++++
* FIRESIGN CDS: http://www.laugh.com
* BEARWHIZ: http://www.eagletshirts.com
* FUNNY TIMES: http://www.funnytimes.com
* FST: http://www.FiresignTheatre.com
Planet Proctor © Phil Proctor 2010
PLANET BOZOS– 2010~03 ( http://www.planetproctor.com ))))))))))))
“You really want to make God laugh? Make plans…” ~ Phil’s Phunny Phacts
“The market was so bad yesterday that Goldman Sachs had to lay off three congressmen.” ~ David Letterman
SPEILBERG SPEILS
Eddie Deezen shares with us Stephen Speilberg’s early alienation and perhaps a source of inspiration as well...
“The height of my wimpiness came when we had to run a mile for a grade in elementary school. The whole class of fifty finished, except for two people left on the track – me, and a mentally [challenged] boy.
“Of course, he ran awkwardly, but I was never able to run. I was maybe 40 yards ahead of him, and I was just 100 yards away from the finish line. The whole class turned against me, rooting for the young boy, cheering him, saying ‘C’mon, c'mon! Beat Spielberg! Run! Run!’
“It was like he came to life for the first time, and he began to pour it on, but still not fast enough to beat me. And I remember thinking, O.K., now how am I gonna fall and make it look like I really fell? And I remember actually stepping on my toe and going face down hard into the red clay of the track and actually scraping my nose.
“Everybody cheered when I fell, and then they began to really cheer for this guy: ‘C'mon john! C'mon! Run! Run!’ I got up just as John came up behind me, and I began running as if to beat him but not really win, running to let him win.
“We were nose to nose, and suddenly laid back a step, then half step. Suddenly, he was ahead; then he was a chest ahead! Then a length, and then he crossed the finish line ahead of me. Everybody grabbed this guy and threw him on their shoulders and carried him into the locker room and into the showers. And I stood there on the track field and cried my eyes out for five minutes.
“I'd never felt better and never felt worse in my life...”
“The wise man, even when he holds his tongue, says more than the fool when he speaks.” ~ Yiddish Proverb
FROM RUSSIA WITH LOVE
“Hello! My name is Inna, I am from Russia. A long time I'm your fan, watch for your creativity. You really like me. Everything you do, Divine! You are very beautiful and talantivy. Thank you for what you have. I love you. I would really like to ask you autograf. Unfortunately, Russia delivered to your autograph impossible. Please send your autograph to my mail address. I will be waiting. Good luck to you, let you all will be well! I kiss you a thousand times! Thank you!”
English has about 999,98 words, Japanese 232,000; Spanish 225,000, Russian 195,000, and
Chinese dialects more than 50,000. ~ ????? Cm????? ??????a
NORMAN CORWIN’S 100TH
Last Saturday, May 1st, my wife and I were honored to participate in a Writers Guild event to honor the life and achievements of this amazing man whose creative and cultural contributions to the evolution of the art of radio are best represented in the Academy-award-winning documentary, “A Note of Triumph: The Golden Age of Norman Corwin” http://www.imdb.com/title/tt0491795/
Peggy Webber’s California Artists Radio Theatre presented live performances of excerpts from two of his beloved radio plays, Mary and the Fairy (starring JoAnne Worley and Marvin Kaplan) and Our Lady of the Freedoms and a Few of Her Friends narrated by Ed Asner. I performed along with Samantha Eggar, John Harlan, Richard Herd, Paul Keith, Norman Lloyd, Shelley Long, Shelley Berman, Tom Williams, Ian Abercrombie and Simon Templeman. Original music was by Ken Stange and live SFX by Tony Palermo.
Emceed by Leonard Maltin, heart-warming and hilarious remarks were also made by longtime friends Norman Lloyd, Carl Reiner and Hal Kanter, and then Melinda and I were honored to announce the creation of The Norman Corwin Award for Excellence in Broadcasting – a beautiful crystal trophy mounted on a mineral base (Norman is a mineralogist) - to be presented every year on his birthday at the National Audio Theatre Festival in Missouri.
The next day, at a special screening of his Oscar-nominated Lust for Life at the Aero Theatre in Santa Monica, festival reps Richard Fish, Andrew Davis and Helen Englehardt presented the very first award to Norman, himself and the wonderful Pat ”the hat” Morrison led a discussion of the film’s history with him. It was an unforgettable weekend.
“Old age forges your signature.” ~ Norman Corwin
BY SEXUAL
"It's happened so often that it's now a cultural cliché: the gay politician pretending to be straight. In most parts of the nation, homosexuality or bisexuality is a clear electoral liability," but not in Center City Philadelphia, according to the Philadelphia Inquirer.
State Rep. Babette Josephs (D-PA) accused her primary opponent, Gregg Kravitz (D), of “pretending to be bisexual in order to pander to lesbian, gay, bisexual, and transgender voters, a powerful bloc in the district."
Said Josephs, "I outed him as a straight person."
“Sociologists tell us that the best way for a married man to have more sex is to do more housework...” Julia Baird in Newsweek
WHOSE SIDE ARE YOU ON?
A Catholic guy goes into the confessional box, after years being away from the Church. There's a fully equipped bar with Guinness on tap. On the shelf of one wall, is a dazzling array of the finest cigars and chocolates and the other wall has pornographic pictures of a buxom blond.
He hears a priest come in: "Father, forgive me, for it's been a very long time since I've been to confession; but I must first admit that the confessional box is much more inviting than it used to be.”
"Get out, you idiot. You're on my side," the priest replies.
"We only have to look at ourselves to see how intelligent life might develop into something we wouldn't want to meet." ~ Stephen Hawking
TRUE MEANING RIOTS
The roses are a riot,
They have a lot to say.
I found them bursting colors
And fragrances today.
And when I turned the corner
And saw them them all in bloom,
They clamored for the moment
Against distress and gloom.
In pinks and white and crimsons,
In dappled yellow hues,
They shouted equal rights for bliss,
Demanding joy its due.
They picketed for laughter
They bloomed against despair
And even buds clenched only hope
For beauty they would air.
There were no other headlines
There was no other news.
A perfect moment blossomed.
That's all there was to do. ~ Vanna Bonta
“A happy life consists not in the absence, but in the mastery of hardships.” ~ Helen Keller
CA PROP 666
A) All state and local law enforcement personnel shall stop and interrogate any persons reasonably suspected of being from Arizona. Criteria for reasonable suspicion include, but are not limited to the following:
A.1) Persons driving automobiles with Arizona license plates.
A.2) Persons publicly exhibiting any of the following characteristic or behaviors:
A.2.1) Facial expressions of befuddlement with inappropriate tropical travel wear.
A.2.2) Missing teeth, slack jaws.
B) All state and local law enforcement personnel shall conduct interrogations with the goal of determining whether said person is indeed an Arizonan and in the state illegally. Acceptable documentation for determining Arizonan residency include:
B.1) Arizona driver's license and matching birth certificate.
B.2) "You can pry my gun from my cold dead fingers" notarized tattoo.
And don’t forget - Christ would be arrested in Arizona. He was shabbily dressed dark-skinned, longhaired and unshaven, walking across the desert without money, identification papers, or a driver's license - and he didn’t speak English!
In other words: the perfect profile of an illegal immigrant.
"Everyone is entitled to their own opinions, but everyone is not entitled to their own facts." ~ Sen. Patrick Moynihan
HAGGIS THE HORRIBLE
A survey by Just-Eat.co.uk – an online takeaway food service - has determined that one in five people in Britain think that haggis, the traditional Scottish dish made from the lung, liver and heart of a sheep, is a hilltop-dwelling animal that roams the Highlands.
Another 15 percent identified it as a Scottish musical instrument, while 4 percent admitted to thinking it was a character from Harry Potter. The survey questioned 1,623 people across Britain to see how well they were acquainted with traditional Scottish food and 14 percent of the 781 Scottish people polled said they did not know what haggis was...” (Ach, the shame!)
“Alas! The onion you are eating is someone else’s water lily.” ~ Chinese Fortune Cookie
TAXI!!!
“When Americans complain about taxes,” said Steven Hill in The Sacramento Bee “they often point to Europe as the ultimate nightmare. But people in ‘socialist’ countries like Sweden are hardly ‘overtaxed serfs.’
“Yes, Europeans pay higher taxes than do Americans, but for their money, they get a vast array of services that in the U.S., we must pay a major chunk of our incomes to match. The $200,000 Americans pay for college educations? In most European nations, university educations are free, or very cheap. All that money you’re stuffing into your 401(k), because Social Security payments are so anemic?
“In Europe, pensions provide more than 75 percent of what people need in retirement. Your soaring health-care premiums? In Europe, health care is available to all without charge, and the average cost per person is half that in the U.S. Child care, senior care, state-of-the-art mass transportation—all are provided without additional charges, in return for the Europeans’ taxes.
“The reality is that when you include our out-of-pocket expenses for essential services, ‘Americans pay out just as much as Europeans—but receive a lot less for our money.’”
“I am told that I have entered the terrible toos - too qualified, too expensive and too old.” ~ Laurence Budd
GOOD HEAVENS!
On their way to get married, a young Catholic couple is involved in a fatal car accident. The couple find themselves sitting outside the Pearly Gates waiting for St. Peter to process them into Heaven. While waiting, they begin to wonder: Could they possibly get married in Heaven?
When St. Peter showed up, they asked him. St. Peter said, 'I don't know. This is the first time anyone has asked. Let me go find out,' and he leaves. The couple sat and waited, and waited. Two months passed and the couple is still waiting. As they waited, they discussed that if they could get married in Heaven, what was the eternal aspect of it all.
'What if it doesn't work?' they wondered, 'Are we stuck together forever?'
After yet another month, St. Peter finally returns, looking somewhat bedraggled. 'Yes,' he informs the couple, 'you can get married in Heaven.' 'Great!' said the couple, 'But we were just wondering, what if things don't work out? Could we also get a divorce in Heaven?'
St. Peter, red-faced with anger,slammed his clipboard onto the ground . 'What's wrong?' asked the frightened couple.
'It took me three months to find a priest up here,’ St. Peter shouted. ‘Do you have any idea how long it'll take me to find a lawyer?'
“If you're going to doubt something doubt your limits.” ~ Anon
POTHEAD PUSHING DAISIES
Jack Herer, 70, longtime pot proselytizer (good spelling bee word) is now fertilizer after working unceasingly to elevate the nation’s consciousness about the benefits of cannabis sativa.
“You’ve got to be out of your mind not to smoke dope!” were practically his last words, uttered last September at the Hempstalk Festival in Portland, Oregon just minutes before he suffered a debilitating heart attack. A co-commander of the Reefer Raiders campaign to legalize the substance in California, he leaves behind The Emperor Has No Clothes, a meticulously researched 1985 best seller about the futility of a government ban on hemp cultivation, touting the weed’s many benefits and uses.
“Dad has not filed taxes in over 30 years,“ observed his son Mark, president of his family’s Third Eye head shop in Portland, “so it was wonderful he died on tax day, it really was.”
"Whoever brought me here will have to take me home..." ~ Persian Poet, Rumi
COMING DISTRACTIONS
I will be directing and performing in The Grease Spot - another wonderfully dramatized audio presentation from The Golden Age of Pulp Fiction at the L. Ron Hubbard Theatre at 7051 Hollywood Boulevard, Saturday May 15 and 22nd. Michael Gough, John Mariano, Skip Harris and Bob Towne are in my wonderful cast. www.goldenagetheater.com for tix.
And in June, Firesign will be appearing in Portland, Eugene and Ashland, OR and Redding, CA. Go to: www.firesigntheatre.com for details.
Theatre: “the primordial ooze out of which all actors crawl; where we were all born, where the art began.” ~ Actor Richard Kiley, “The Man of La Mancha”
PICKEES
Charlie Moed, Victor Kopcewich, Patti Deutsch, Richard Schulenberg, Nick Oliva, Brian Westley, Marc Cashman, Allen Newcomb, Lesley Woodward, Patty Paul, Richard Laible, Arthur Peterson, Bill Coombs, H. Lee Kagan, George Riddle, Melinda Peterson, Betty White (we love ya!), Michael Roger’s Bistro of Santa Monica -- and a Progressive Happy Birthday to Thom Hartmann!
"In the beginning there was nothing, which exploded."~ Terry Pratchett
CLICKEES
BOOBS:
“When I see the elaborate study and ingenuity displayed by women in the pursuit of trifles, I
feel no doubt of their capacity for the most herculean undertakings. ~ Julia Ward Howe
HAPPY UN- MOTHER’S DAY!!!!
++++++++++++ MAY 10, 2010 ++++++++++++
“In three words, I can sum up everything I've learned about life: It goes on.” ~ Robert Frost
Planet Proctor © Phil Proctor 2010
“I don’t like people who’s job it is isn’t to be funny, to tell me what is and isn’t funny.” ~ Sarah
Silverman on Bill Maher’s show
THE WORD…
(According to Abbot and Costello)
ABBOTT: (picks up phone) Super Duper computer store. Can I help you?
COSTELLO: Thanks. I'm setting up an office in my den and I'm thinking about buying a computer.
ABBOT: Mac? --- No, the name's Lou.
Your computer… --- I don't own a computer. I want to buy one.!
Mac?! --- No, I told you, my name's Lou.
What about Windows? --- Windows? Why? Will it get stuffy in here?
Do you want a computer with Windows? --- Maybe. What will I see when I look at the
windows?
Wallpaper. --- What? Never mind the windows. I need a computer and software.
You want software for Windows? --- No, on the computer. I need something I can use to write proposals, track expenses and run my business. What do you have?
Office… --- Yeah, for my office. Can you recommend anything?
I just did. --- You just did what?
Recommend something. --- You recommended something?
Yes. --- For my office?
Yes. --- OK, what did you recommend for my office?
Office. --- Yes, “for my office!”
I recommend Office with Windows. --- But I already have an office with windows! OK,
let's just say I'm sitting at my computer and I want to type a proposal. What do I need?
Word. --- What word?
Word in Office. --- The only word in office is “office.”
I mean, Word in Office for Windows. --- Which “word” in office for windows?
The Word you get when you click the blue 'W'. --- I'm going to click your Blue 'W' if you don't gimme some straight answers! What about financial bookkeeping? You have anything I can track my money with?
Money. --- That's right. What do you have?
Money. --- I need “money” to track my money?
Right. It comes bundled with your computer. --- What's bundled with my computer?
Money. --- “Money” comes with my computer?
Yes, and at no extra charge.--- I get a bundle of money with my computer? How much?
One copy. --- Isn't it illegal to copy money?
No, Microsoft gave us a license to copy Money. --- They can give you a license to copy
money?!
Why not? THEY OWN IT! (Costello hangs up…)
"Men show their characters in nothing more clearly than in what they think laughable."~ Johann Wolfgang von Goethe
WHO’S HEAR?
A concerned husband went to a doctor to talk about his wife. He says to the doctor, ''Doctor, I think my wife is deaf, because I always have to repeat things.''
''Well,'' the doctor replied, ''go home tonight stand about 15 feet from her and say something. If she doesn't reply, move about five feet close and say it again. Keep doing
this so we'll be able to guage about the severity of her deafness''. Sure enough, the
husband goes home and does exactly as instructed.
He starts off about 15 feet from his wife in the kitchen as she is chopping some vegetables and says, ''Honey, what's for dinner?'' He hears no response. He moves about five feet closer and asks again. No reply. He moves five feet closer; still no reply.
He gets fed up and moves right behind her, about an inch away, and asks again, at top volume, ''Honey, what's for dinner?''
She replies ''For the fourth time, pork chops!''
"Vision Loss is Reported in Users of Viagra," ~ New York Times, May 28, 2005.
LOVE IS BLIND
Though the sex is now back in his life,
The effects are not lacking in strife.
His libido's been stirred,
But his vision is blurred.
It's his ex in the sack, not his wife.
Poem by Montana Miller, The Lozenge Vol. 6, No. 9
"Choice is a powerful thing. If you still have it." ~ L.A. street-person
IT’S LIKE…
(Really short stories based on really mixed metaphors from really mixed-up
Americans.)
“He was as tall as a six-foot-three-inch tree [and] had a mind like a steel trap, only
one that had been left out so long, it had rusted shut. The revelation that his marriage of
30 years had disintegrated because of his wife's infidelity came as a rude shock, like a
surcharge at a formerly surcharge-free ATM.”
“He spoke with the wisdom that can only come from experience, like a guy who
went blind because he looked at a solar eclipse without one of those boxes with a
pinhole in it and now goes around the country speaking at high schools about the
dangers of looking at a solar eclipse without one of those boxes with a pinhole in it. “
“The plan was simple, like my brother-in-law Phil. But unlike Phil, this plan just
might work. John and Mary had never met. They were like two hummingbirds that had
also never met. They lived in a typical suburban neighborhood with picket fences that
resembled Nancy Kerrigan's teeth.”
"If we do not change our direction, we are likely to end up where we are headed." ~ Sam Stoddard
ANAGRAMATICALLY SPEAKING
Barack Hussein Obama = Has Samurai Backbone, Macaronie Babushka, Human Bareback Oasis, Mania Babushka Score, Samba Shaken Caribou, Haiku Nabob Massacre, Ambush Ocarinas Bake, Saucier Shaman Kabob, Marihuana Sock Babes, Bohemians Back Auras and Cronie MacBush Backa…
COME PLAY! AAAA, BB, SS, R, C, K, E, I, M, N
“I tried to come up with a pun about famous German philosophers, but I Kant.” ~ Phil’s Punny Phacts
IN THE NOOSE
According to THIS WEEK magazine, a new prison in Halden, Norway, in a lovely forest setting has running trails, a guesthouse for conjugal visits and a recording studio…for conjugal visits. The “guests” (including murders, rapists, drug dealers and politicians) reside in dorm-like rooms with flat-screen TVs and mini-fridges, while unarmed guards play sports and share meals with them.
Warden Are Hiodal explains, “We want to give them confidence through education and work, and have them leave as better people.” Or better, rapists, dealers, murderers and…politicians?
Also, Red States should be blushing! According to a new book by family law professors Naomi Cahn and June Carbone, states with the lowest divorce and teenage pregnancy rates are “secular blue” states. Why?
Well, in Palin country, folks are pressured to practice abstinence until matrimony, and so to avoid the stigma of bearing a bastard, many get married in their early 20s, which prevents them from pursuing a college education and makes them more susceptible to divorce, holding low-paying jobs and succumbing to crime.
“Blue state values – don’t get married until you’re equipped for responsibility – breed more stable, lasting families,” concludes the article by Jonathan Rauch from the National Journal.
“Sometimes I think the surest sign that intelligent life exists elsewhere in the universe is that none of it has tried to contact us.” ~ Calvin & Hobbs’ Bill Watterson
COWBOY TIME
A cowboy walks into a bar and takes a seat next to a very attractive woman. He gives her a quick glance then causally looks at his watch for a moment. The woman notices this and asks, 'Is your date running late?'
'No', he replies, 'I just got this state-of-the-art watch, and I was just testing it...' The intrigued woman says, 'a state-of-the-art watch? What's so special about it?'
The cowboy explains, 'It uses alpha waves to talk to me telepathically.' The lady says, 'What's it telling you now?'
‘ Well, it says you're not wearing any panties.' The woman giggles and replies 'Well it must be broken because I am wearing panties!'
The cowboy smiles, taps his watch and says, 'Damn thing's an hour fast.'
"But I, being poor, have only my dreams; I have spread my dreams under your feet; Tread softly
because you tread on my dreams."~ William Butler Yeats
CHAPTER, TOO
“Long separated by cruel fate, the star-crossed lovers raced across the grassy field toward each other like two freight trains, one having left Cleveland at 6:36 p.m. traveling at 55 mph, the other from Topeka at 4:19 p.m. at a speed of 35 mph. The hailstones leaped from the pavement, just like maggots when you fry them in hot grease. “
“The ballerina rose gracefully en Pointe and extended one slender leg behind her, like a dog at a fire hydrant. The young fighter had a hungry look, the kind you get from not eating for a while. He was as lame as a duck. Not the metaphorical lame duck, either, but a real duck that was actually lame, maybe from stepping on a land mine or something. “
“Shots rang out, as shots are want to do! It was an American tradition, like fathers chasing kids around with power tools. It hurt the way your tongue hurts after you accidentally staple it to the wall. “
“From the attic came an unearthly howl. The whole scene had an eerie, surreal quality, like when you're on vacation in another city and Jeopardy comes on at 7:00 p.m. instead of 7:30. McBride fell 12 stories, hitting the pavement like a Hefty bag filled with vegetable soup…”
A great pun is it's own reword ~ Phil’s Punny Phacts
WOOF
According to THE WEEK, Sandra Bullock’s marriage imploded in part because “she sleeps with nine dogs.” Her soon-to-be-ex hubby, Jesse James, became an outlaw instead of an inlaw because, according to his pet-less lover Michelle “Bombshell” McGee, it ruined his sex life, the dirty dog…
“The international pole dancing association is trying to make pole dancing an Olympic sport.” ~ Eddie Deezen
AND THE WINNER IS…
A man is out shopping and discovers a new brand of condoms - Olympic condoms. Clearly impressed, he buys a pack. Upon getting home, the man informs his wife of his new purchase. "Olympic condoms?" she asks. "What makes them so special?"
"There are three colors," he replies. "Gold, Silver and Bronze."
"What color are you going to wear tonight?" she asks cheekily.
"Gold, of course," says the man proudly. The wife responds, "Really, why don't
you wear Silver?"
"Why silver?" asks the man. "Well, it would be nice if you came second for a change."
New investigation shows that 21,819 Manhattan cabbies overcharged passengers a total of 286,000 times. ~ Phil’s Not-so-Phunny Phacts
GOOD GOD!
"There is no position on which people are so immovable as their religious beliefs. There is no more powerful ally one can claim in a debate than Jesus Christ, or God, or Allah, or whatever one calls this Supreme Being. But like any powerful weapon, the use of God's name on one's behalf should be used sparingly.
“The religious factions that are growing throughout our land are not using their religious clout with wisdom. They are trying to force government leaders into following their position 100 percent. If you disagree with these religious groups on a particular moral issue, they complain, they threaten you with a loss of money or votes or both. I'm frankly sick and tired of the political preachers across this country telling me as a citizen that if I want to be a moral person, I must believe in 'A,' 'B,' 'C,' and 'D.'
“Just who do they think they are? And from where do they presume to claim the right to dictate their moral beliefs to me?" (Remarks by Barry Goldwater)
“You’ve got to go out on a limb sometimes, because that’s where the fruit is.” ~ Will Rogers
WHERE AM US ANYWAY?
Melinda is back east right now, visiting friends and relatives, while I and cats, hold down the fort as I prepare for next month’s Firesign tour (www.firesigntheatre) and
the LAGQ Quixote show in Austin, TX on June 23rd.
And for those of you who missed Norman Corwin’s 100th Birthday Bash at the Writers Guild theatre, I will be appearing again with Peggy Webber’s California Artists Radio Theatre in Mary and the Fairy, starring JoAnne Worley and Marvin Kaplan, and Murder in Studio One with Samantha Egger and the usual suspects, on Saturday, May 29th at 8 pm at the Beverly Garland Little Theatre on Vineland in North Hollywood -- and the silver-haired Golden boy himself, I’m told, may once again be in attendance!
"Government is not reason. Government is not eloquence. It is force. And, like fire, it is a dangerous servant and a fearful master." - George Washington
GIMMEES
Victor Kopcewich, Glen Banks, Michael C. Gwynne and son Jon Gwynne, Peter Johnson, Rich Carlson, Charles Moed, Garry Margolis, George Riddle, Patti Paul, Kenneth Wilhite, Jr., Ed Ryba, Nick Oliva, Richard Laible, Ted Bonnitt, and THE WEEK magazine.
"You can get an awful lot done if you don't care who gets the credit." ~ George C. Marshall
GO SEES
“Ignorance, allied with power, is the most ferocious enemy justice can have.” ~ James Baldwin
HAPPY 18TH ANNIVERSARY TO ME & MELINDA!!!
++++++++++++ MAY 24, 2010 ++++++++++++
“If you don’t like your ugly mug, don’t blame the mirror.” ~ Old Russian proverb
Planet Proctor © Phil Proctor 2010
“Comedy is saying the right thing at the wrong time.” ~ Eric Idle
A SILVER POEM
A row of bottles on my shelf
Caused me to analyze myself.
One yellow pill I have to pop
Goes to my heart so it won't stop.
A little white one that I take
Goes to my hands so they won't shake.
The blue ones that I use a lot
Tell me I'm happy when I'm not.
The purple pill goes to my brain
And tells me that I have no pain.
The capsules tell me not to wheeze
Or cough or choke or even sneeze.
The red ones, smallest of them all,
Go to my blood so I won't fall.
The orange ones, very big and bright,
Prevent my leg cramps in the night.
Such an array of brilliant pills
Helping to cure all kinds of ills.
But what I'd really like to know --
Is what tells each one where to go!
“Don't cry because it's over. Smile because it happened.”~ Dr. Seuss
YANK ME
A guy walks into a bar in West Virginia and orders a white wine. All the Hillbillies sitting around the bar look up, expecting to see some pitiful Yankee from the north. The bartender says, "You ain't from around here, are ya?" The guy says, "No, I'm from Pennsylvania."
What do you do in Pennsylvania?" asks the barkeep. The guy says, "I'm a taxidermist."
"A taxidermist? “ says the bartender, “What in tarnation is a taxidermist? Do you
drive a taxi?"
"No, a taxidermist doesn't drive a taxi. I mount animals."bThe bartender grins and hollers, "It's okay boys. He's one of us."
"The Taxpayer: That's someone who works for the federal government, but doesn't have to take a civil service examination." - Ronald Reagan
REMEMBERING UNCLE MILTIE
Goshen cousin and fellow thespian George Riddle writes, “The year was 1993 and I was in LA playing the Pantages Theatre in The Will Rogers Follies. Will Rogers youngest son, Jim Rogers called me and asked if I'd like to have lunch at the Friars Club. I was thrilled.
“Before our food arrived, Milton Berle walked to our table and said hello to Jim … (Milton probably knew Will Rogers too). "Who's the kid"? said Milton, referring to me, (Inwas 56 at the time). Jim told him I was playing Clem Rogers in WRF. But the conversation wasn't about me or Jim Rogers -- it was all about Berle. Berle was holdingmcourt at the Friars Club.
“There was lots of laughter. At one point Berle recited a little poem:
I'd rather be a could-be if I cannot be an are; because a could-be is a maybe who is reaching for a star. I'd rather be a has-been than a might-have-been, by far; for a might have-been has never been, but a has was once an are.’ It was a magical moment.
“I asked Mr. Berle to repeat it slowly so I could write it down. He said, ‘I'll do better than that’ and took a sharpie pen out of his pocket and wrote it on a white linen napkin -- and signed it! I have that napkin still. I miss Milton Berle…
"Comedy is dangerous: telling people things they don’t want to know.” ~ Eric Idle
HOW TO SING THE BLUES
This has been around for a while, but it’s still good. Wonder who wrote it…
Most Blues begin with: "Woke up this mornin'..." "I got a good woman" is a bad way to begin the Blues, unless you stick something nasty in the next line like, "I got a good woman, with the meanest face in town." !The Blues is simple. After you get the first line right, repeat it. Then find something that rhymes - sort of: !"Got a good woman with the meanest face in town. Yes, I got a good woman with the meanest face in town. Got teeth like Margaret Thatcher and she weigh 500 pound."
The Blues is not about choice. You be stuck in a ditch - you stuck in a ditch, ain't no way out. Blues cars are Chevys, Fords, Caddies and broken-down trucks. Blues don't travel in Volvos, BMWs, or SUVs. Blues transportation is more likely a Greyhound bus or a southbound train; Jet aircraft and state-sponsored motor pools ain't even in the runnin'.
Walkin' plays a major part in the Blues lifestyle. So does fixin' to die, so teenagers can't sing the Blues, they ain't fixin' to die yet. Only adults sing the Blues which means being old enough to get the electric chair if you shoot a man in Memphis.
Blues can take place in big cities like New York but not in Hawaii or anywhere in Canada. “Hard times” in Minneapolis or Seattle is probably just clinical depression. The best places to have the Blues is in Chicago, St. Louis, Kansas City, Memphis, and N'awlins. You cannot have the Blues in anyplace that don't get rain.
Breaking your leg because you were skiing is not the Blues. Breaking your leg because an alligator be chomping on it, is. !You can't have no Blues in an office or a shopping mall - the lighting is all wrong. Go outside to the parking lot or sit by the dumpster.
Good places for the Blues: a. highway b. jailhouse c. empty bed d. bottom of a whiskey glass.
Bad places for the Blues: a. Starbucks b. gallery openings c. Stanford d. golf courses.
And finally, no one will believe it's the Blues if you wear a suit, 'less you happen to be an old person, and you slept in it.
Kissing is healthier than shaking hands. ~ Phil’s Phunny Phacts
PETPALS
I’m rolling around,
Peaceful, happy, wild!
Cats are catnip
for people.
(Haiku by Frank Dwyer)
"I'm so busy doing nothing, I don't have time to do anything.” ~ Jayne Stahl’s Aunt Sylvia
who turns 96 in September.
THE ICEMAN COMETH
have to love the fact that a parody of a political party in Iceland, started months ago by a comedian, won the most seats in a local election The party, know simply as “the Best” garnered 34.7% of the vote and securing 6 of 15 seats in the local council of the Icelandic capital, Reykjavik.
Their video featured members of the party and its founder Jon Gnarr—now the city’s mayor—singing to Tina Turner’s “The Best” (what else?) Key pledges included “sustainable transparency”, free towels at all swimming pools, a new polar bear for the zoo, a “Disneyland” at the airport and a “drug-free parliament” by 2020.
Clearly Icelanders, who have seen their entire economy collapse, get the joke!
"You are born, you live your life in torment and humiliation, and then you die. You need to watch television to distract yourself from your miserable destiny." ~ Brother Theodore
HAWKING
Stephen Hawking was recently interviewed by Diane Sawyer on ABC, and here are a few gems:
“I want to know why the universe exists and why there is something rather than nothing. You look at the vast size of the universe and how insignifican't and accidental nhuman life is, and that seems most implausible. There is a fundamental difference between religion, which is based on authority, and science, which is based on observation and reason. Science will winn because it works.”
What does Stephen Hawking say to his children and grandchildren?
“Here are the most important pieces of advice that I passed on to my children. First, remember to look up at the stars at night and not down at your feet. Two, never give up work. Work gives you meaning and purpose and life would be nothing without it. Three, if you're lucky enough to find love, remember it is rare and don't throw it away.”
Diane Sawyer then added that her parents’ most important advice was “comb your hair in the back and not just in the front.”
Hawking left us with these words: “God not only plays dice with the world but sometimes throws the dice where they can't be seen.”
"Any man who afflicts the human race with ideas must be prepared see them misunderstood.” ~
H. L. Mencken
LET’S EAT!
Melinda Peterson and I will be performing at The Writers Guild of America west this coming Monday in a staged reading of L.A. DELI – A two-act Comedy by Sam Bobrick consisting of 12 showbiz sketches set in a deli like Nate & Al’s in Beverly Hills and performed by six actors, including Antaeus’ own Devon Sorvari and our dear demented Richard Horvitz from “The Psychic”.
“Some of the events depicted were experienced by the author,” says Sam, “some of them by other people, and some of them are totally fabricated. After working in the entertainment business for many years, the author is not sure which is which …”
COME SEE US! Monday, June 21, 2010 at 7:00 pm at the 2nd Floor Multi-purpose Room 7000 W. 3rd St. Los Angeles, CA 90048 (Park on Blackburn, one block south of 3rd Street.) A deli nosh will follow the show…
“Success is not a destination, it’s a journey.” ~ UCLA Coach John Wooden
JUST IN…
In a bid to stem taxpayer losses for bad loans guaranteed by federal housing agencies Fanny Mae and Freddy Mac, Senator Bob Corker (R-Tenn) proposed that borrowers be required to make a 5% down payment in order to qualify.
His proposal was rejected 57-42 on a party-line vote because, as Senator Chris Dodd (D-Conn) explained, "passage of such a requirement would restrict home ownership to only those
who can afford it."
“That's the only thing this president hasn't done is just urinate on us" ~ Glenn Beck
OLE’
My reading of "DON QUIXOTE" with the Los Angeles Guitar Quartet takes place as part of the Guitar Foundation Festival at the Long Center for the Performing Arts, 701 West Riverside Drive in Austin, Wednesday, June 23 at 8:00. That show will be followedmby 2 more Firesign Theatre shows at Ashland and then Redding, CA. Our Portland and Eugene shows last week were an hysterical delight! Thanks to all who came out of hiding to see us…
And here’s a link to my recent “Dangerous Minds” video interview with Richard Metzger about Firesign’s DEAR FRIENDS shows on New Jersey WFMU radio.
"In order to attain the impossible, one must attempt the absurd."~ Miguel de Cervantes
THANKEES
Bill Coombs, Bill Glass, H. Lee Kagan, Patti Poet, Laurence Budd, Victor Kopcewich, M.C. Gwynne, Kenneth Wilhite, Jr., Drew Daniels, Nick Oliva, Jann Cobler, Jayne Stahl, Firesign tour mavens Maureen Weston, Taylor Jessen and Oona Austin; and a special thanks to Lou and Mary Kate Mackey and Thom and Louise Hartmann for wonderful breakfasts while in Oregon!
“It is the mark of an educated mind to be able to entertain a thought without accepting it.” ~
Aristotle
SURFEES
OUR FOREFATHERS USED DRUGS:
"Sometimes I just don't get Sarah Palin. She sleeps with a guy who worked for BP for 18 years
but accuses Obama of being in bed with big oil. Go figure." ~ Anon
++++++++++++ JUNE 19 , 2010 ++++++++++++
Planet Proctor © Phil Proctor 2010
_________________________________________
WE'RE ALL BOZOS ON THIS CAMPAIGN BUS
“The surrealist comedy troupe Firesign Theatre appeared in a live performance on Whidbey Island in Washington earlier this month” writes the Globe and Mail in British Columbia.
“The quartet of unapologetic Marxist-Lennonists (they once subtitled an album All Hail Marx and Lennon, with the jacket decorated with portraits of Groucho and John) won a devoted following in the 1970s with such albums as Don't Crush that Dwarf, Hand Me the Pliers , and I Think We're All Bozos on this Bus .
“One of the troupe has a surprising connection to B.C. Phil Proctor's daughter, Kristin, is married to Premier Gordon Campbell's son, Geoff. The Proctor and Campbell merger has produced a grandson for two doting grandfathers. Perhaps the connection is not so unlikely if one takes into account the Social Credit roots of some Liberals.
“One of Mr. Proctor's best-known Firesign voices is that of Ralph Spoilsport, a fast-talking used-car dealer whose list of extras in one of his clunkers includes ‘factory air-conditioned air from our fully factory-equipped air-conditioned factory!’
http://www.theglobeandmail.com/news/national/british-columbia/at-90-robert-matula-a-forgotten-warrior-no-more/article1434471/
‘One fights not only in the hope of winning.” ~ “Cyrano de Bergerac by Edmond Rostand
SUEY, SUE ME
Down south, Bubba called his attorney and asked, 'Is it true theys suin’ them cigarette companies fer causin’ people to git cancer?'
'Yes, Bubba, sure is true,' responded the lawyer, “And now someone is suin’ them fast food restaurants fer makin’ them fat an cloggin’ their arteries with all them burgers an fries, is that true, Mista Lawyer?”
“Sure is, Bubba.”
“And that lady sued McDonalds for millions when she was gave that hot coffee that she ordered?”
“Yep.”
“And that football player sued that university when he graduaided and still couldn't read?”
“That's right,” affirmed the lawyer. ''But why are you asking?”
“Well, I was thinkin’...What I want to know is, kin I sue Budweiser fer all them ugly women I slept with?”
"I hope we shall crush in its birth the aristocracy of our moneyed corporations which dare already to challenge our government to a trial by strength, and bid defiance to the laws of our country."~ Thomas Jefferson
PERSPECTIVES
This morning I was awakened by my alarm clock powered by electricity generated by the public power monopoly regulated by the US Department of Energy. I then took a shower in the clean water provided by the municipal water utility. After that, I turned on the TV to one of the FCC regulated channels to see what the National Weather Service of the National Oceanographic and Atmospheric Administration determined the weather was going to be like, using satellites designed, built, and launched by the National Aeronautics and Space Administration. I watched this while eating my breakfast of US Department of Agriculture inspected food and taking the drugs which have been determined as safe by the Food and Drug Administration.
At the appropriate time as regulated by the US Congress and kept accurate by the National Institute of Standards and Technology and the US Naval Observatory, I get into my National Highway Traffic Safety Administration approved automobile and set out to work on the roads build by the local, state, and federal departments of transportation, possibly stopping to purchase additional fuel of a quality level determined by the Environmental Protection Agency, using legal tender issued by the Federal Reserve Bank. On the way out the door I deposit any mail I have to be sent out via the US Postal Service and drop the kids off at the public school.
After spending another day not being maimed or killed at work thanks to the workplace regulations imposed by the Department of Labor and the Occupational Safety and Health Administration, enjoying another two meals which again do not kill me because of the USDA, I drive my NHTSA car back home on the DOT roads, to my house which has not burned down in my absence because of the state and local building codes and fire marshal's inspection, and which has not been plundered of all it's valuables thanks to the local police department.
I then log on to the internet which was developed by the Defense Advanced Research Projects Agency and post on free republic and Fox News forums about how SOCIALISM in medicine is BAD because the government can't do anything right.
"Rush Limbaugh teaches the lowest common denominator how to use fractions." ~ Roger Ebert
DEAR PAT ROBINSON…
Starts an editorial in the Minneapolis Star-Tribune. “I know that you know that all press is good press, so I appreciate the shout-out. And you make God look like a big mean bully who kicks people when they are down, so I'm all over that action. But when you say that Haiti has made a pact with me, it is totally humiliating. I may be evil incarnate, but I'm no welcher. The way you put it, making a deal with me leaves folks desperate and impoverished.
“Sure, in the afterlife, but when I strike bargains with people, they first get something here on earth -- glamour, beauty, talent, wealth, fame, glory, a golden fiddle. Those Haitians have nothing, and I mean nothing. And that was before the earthquake. Haven't you seen "Crossroads"? Or, "Damn Yankees"? If I had a thing going with Haiti, there'd be lots of banks, skyscrapers, SUVs, exclusive night clubs, Botox -- that kind of thing. An 80 percent poverty rate is so not my style. Nothing against it -- I'm just saying: Not how I roll.
“You're doing great work, Pat, and I don't want to clip your wings -- just, come on, you're making me look bad and not the good kind of bad. Keep blaming God. That's working. But leave me out of it, please. Or we may need to renegotiate your own contract. Best, Satan.”
“Clowns can serve a deep and vital purpose within their communities, mirroring back those aspects of culture that can’t otherwise be faced squarely. Some clowns have a huge responsibility – they keep the people honest even as they tumble and dance.” ~ Lisa Drostova, East Bay Express, about “Culture Clash”
CAN’T WE ALL JUST GET ALONG?
Several centuries ago, the Pope decreed that all the Jews had to convert or leave Italy. There was a huge outcry from the Jewish community, so the Pope offered a deal. He would have a religious debate with the leader of the Jewish community. If the Jews won, they could stay in Italy, if the Pope won, they would have to leave.
The Jewish people picked the aged but wise Rabbi Moishe to represent them, but since he spoke no Italian and the Pope no Yiddish, they agreed it would be a "silent" debate.
On the chosen day, the Pope and Rabbi Moishe sat opposite each other for a full minute before the Pope raised his hand and showed three fingers. Rabbi Moishe looked back and raised one finger. Next, the Pope waved his finger around his head. Rabbi Moishe pointed to the ground where he sat. The Pope then brought out a communion wafer and a chalice of wine. Rabbi Moishe pulled out an apple, and with that, the Pope stood up and declared that he was beaten, that Rabbi Moishe was too clever, and that the Jews could stay.
Later, the Cardinals met with the Pope, asking what had happened. The Pope said, "First, I held up three fingers to represent the Trinity. He responded by holding up one finger to remind me that there is still only one God common to both our beliefs.
“Then, I waved my finger to show him that God was all around us. He responded by pointing to the ground to show that God was also right here with us. Next, I pulled out the wine and wafer to show that God absolves us of all our sins. He pulled out an apple to remind me of the original sin. He had me beaten and I could not continue."
Meanwhile the Jewish community gathered around the Rabbi and asked "How did you win the debate?"
"I haven't a clue," said Moishe. "First he said to me that we had three days to get out of Italy, so I gave him the finger. Then he tells me that the whole country would be cleared of Jews and I said to him, we're staying right here."
"And then what?" asked a woman. "Who knows?" said Moishe, "He took out his lunch so I took out mine."
The term “dust movie” refers to any film about a third world country. ~ Phil’s Phunny Phacts
PENNY UP!
So many Planeteers responded to my "Penny in" question last orbit, that it would be impossible to name them all, but here are a few:
Debbie Paulshus described it simply as a way of jamming a door shut by sticking pennies between the door and the doorjamb and “The Office” producer Randy Cordray adds “ Oh, how we would laugh! “ Hilarious during a fire...” Richard Henzel observed.
Also, my multitalented VO pal R.F. Daley expanded on the theme: “To ‘Penny In’ some one is to find a closed dorm room door, preferably of a cute girl. Then you place two pennies in the gap between the door and the jamb, near the latch. Then you spread the two pennies apart and slip a third penny into the gap, thus forming a wedge or "Shim". Then you use a hammer to drive the penny into the gap so that it effectively locks the door! There are variations as to the placement of the pennies and each door requires some finesse. The result is an angry, frustrated co-ed and (usually two or more) hysterical collegiate athletes who inexplicably have no clue as to why they haven't a date on a Friday night.
And, he continues, “As a member of the cast of the First National Tour of Cats for two years (1986-1988), I can state that all of the behavior you described in the article transpired on a regular basis.“
At Yale during the early 60s, I don’t ever recall this trick being employed, but then the school was just for boys. I do remember that one of my contemporaries at the time would get rip-roaring drunk and tear steering columns from VWs while another took delight at collecting plastic Jesuses from car dashboards.
That’s what came of having no girls to torment on campus.
“Someone please explain to me why it’s OK for people who are sick to smoke marijuana to feel better, but it’s not OK for people who aren’t sick to smoke marijuana to feel better? ~ L.A. Times Letter from David Hill of West Hollywood
GOOD NEWS/BAD NEWS
New Jersey joined the growing list of states that decriminalized the use of cannabis, and then California’s Supreme Court lifted restrictions on the amount of medical marijuana a registered user can grow and possess.
Also, a Michigan gun parts company will no longer print Bible verses on combat-destined rifle sites in response to charges of proselytizing, which inspires the question, “Whom would Jesus kill?”
On the other hand, the 5-strong right-wing majority of the National Supreme Court recently created an almighty flap by striking down a centuries-old restriction on corporation and union spending limits in future campaigns, allowing corporations, whether home or foreign-owned, the freedom to influence future elections, essentially handing the Greedy Oligarchy Party and Wall Street “banksters” (to quote Thom Hartmann) another weapon to use against Main Street America.
Now the only question that remains to be resolved is, can a corporation, deemed a “person” under this new interpretation of the law, be allowed to marry a gay corporation?
“ The responsibility of ministers for the public safety is absolute, and requires no mandate. It is in fact the prime object for which governments come into existence.” ~ Winston Churchill
BETTER SAFE THAN SORRY
The priest was preparing a man for his long day's journey into night. Whispering firmly, the priest said, "Denounce the devil! Let him know how little you embrace his evil!"
The dying man was silent, so the priest repeated his order. Still the dying man said nothing.
“Why, my dear friend,” the concerned priest queried his moribund parishioner, "do you refuse to denounce the devil and his evil at this crucial moment?"
Well, father,” the dying man responded, "Until I know where I'm heading, I don't think I ought to aggravate anybody"
In baseball, the first testicular guard was used in 1874 and the first helmet in 1934. It took men 60 years to realize that the brain is also important. ~ Phil’s Phunny Phacts
THAT’S FINE
A groundskeeper in a zoo saw a blonde happily throwing twenty-dollar bills into the monkey.
"Excuse me", asked the groundskeeper, "but why are you throwing those twenties at those monkeys?" The blonde laughed and pointed to the sign in front of the monkey cage.
"Can't you read?", she giggled. The groundskeeper looked at the sign:
Please Do Not Throw Food To The Monkeys. $20.00 Fine.
“To be without some of the things you want is an indispensible part of happiness “ ~ Bertrand Russell
THANKEE
To Garry Margolis, Lynn Stahl, Kenneth Wilhite, Jr., Mark Campos, Rolf Mauer, George Riddle, Paul Ross, David Shepherd, Art Peterson, Drew Daniels, Jayne Stahl, Eddie Deezen, Nick Oliva, Nick Jameson, Wayne Newitt, Roger Scott – and Phil and Oona Austin for taking such good care of me this weekend when The Firesign Theatre played Kirkland and Tacoma to sold-out houses! And finally, to Scott Gardside for the performance shots below…
“I realized I was dyslexic when I went to a toga party dressed as a goat.” ~ Marcus Brigstocke
LOOKEE
SIGNS: http://sgphotography.myphotoalbum.com/view_album.php?set_albumName=album58
BIKES: http://www.flixxy.com/chinese-bicycle-acrobatics.htm
KIDS : http://video.google.com/videoplay?docid=5332045595141395815#
WAVES: yourlifeisatrip.com
KUKLAS: http://www.kuklafranandollie.com/Kukla__Fran_and_Ollie.html
IPADS: YouTube - Apple I-Pad
BROWNS: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=c4aQCiRjvZY
QUAKES: http://www.realclearpolitics.com/video/2010/01/21/chavez_us_weapon_test_caused_haiti_earthquake.html
“If corporations are people, why can't we arrest them?” ~ Jayne Lynne Stahl
++++++++++++ JANUARY 30, 2010 ++++++++++++
* FIRESIGN CDS: http://www.laugh.com
* BEARWHIZ: http://www.eagletshirts.com
* FUNNY TIMES: http://www.funnytimes.com
* FST: http://www.FiresignTheatre.com
“Nearly all men can stand adversity, but if you want to test a man’s character, give him power.” ~ Abraham Lincoln
Planet Proctor © Phil Proctor 2010
"The Party told you to reject the evidence of your eyes and ears. It was their final, most essential command." ~ George Orwell, “1984”
RE: TIRE: MENT
Arguments for retirement: How many days in a week? - Six Saturdays, one Sunday. What do you do all week? - Monday to Friday, nothing; Saturday & Sunday I rest. When is a retiree's bedtime? - Three hours after he falls asleep on the couch. How many retirees to change a light bulb? - Only one, but it might take all day. Why don't retirees mind being called seniors? - The term comes with a 10% percent discount.
Among retirees what is considered formal attire? - Tied shoes. Why do retirees count pennies? - They have the time. Why are retirees so slow to clean out the basement,
attic or garage? - They know that as soon as they do, one of their adult kids will want to store
stuff there. What's the biggest gripe of retirees? - There is not enough time to get everything
done.
What's the biggest advantage of going back to school as a retiree? - If you cut classes, no one can call your parents. Why does a retiree often say he doesn't miss work, but misses the people he used to work with? - He's too polite to tell the whole truth. What do retirees call a long lunch? - Normal. What is the best way to describe retirement? - The never-ending Coffee Break.
And what is the common term for someone who refuses to retire? - NUTS!
“Musicians don't retire; they stop when there's no more music in them.” ~ Louis Armstrong
FIRE SALE
“Dr. Firesign” wrote to say that he opened a “Collector's Choice” Catalog to find a
compendium representing the “Top 200 releases from the last year or so." At Number 75 (!) is the Box of Danger for $49.98: "This trailblazing troupe took on the radio detective shows of old in '69 with their most famous creation, Nick Danger,” says the blurb.
And finally, voice-over colleague Danny Mann writes that he recently read copy on which was handwritten “40-50 yr old Phil Proctor type” and overheard people asking each other, "What does he sound like?" Like Rocky Rococo, you stupid fools!
"Knowledge is of no value unless you put it into practice."~ Anton Chekhov
THE ANNIVERSARY FAIRY
A married couple in their early 60's were celebrating their 40th Wedding Anniversary in a quiet, romantic little restaurant. Suddenly, a tiny, beautiful fairy appeared on their table. and said, "For being such a wonderful married couple and for loving each other for all this time, I will grant you each a wish."
The wife answered, "Oh, I want to travel around the world with my darling husband." The fairy waved her magic wand and poof! Two tickets for the Queen Mary II appeared in her hands. The husband thought for a moment:
"Well, this is all very romantic, but an opportunity like this will never come again.. I'm sorry my love, but my wish is to have a wife 30 years younger than I."
A wish is a wish. So the fairy waved her magic wand and poof! -- the husband became 93 years old. The moral of this story?
“Men who are ungrateful bastards should remember fairies are female.”
“We are what we repeatedly do. Excellence, then, is not an act, but a habit.” ~ Aristotle
A THEORY OF RELATIVITY
During the campaign, I wrote of President Obama’s Irish heritage, but now Mark Silva notes in the LA Times that he’s also related to – are you sitting down? – newly elected Rep. senator Scott Brown!
Apparently, according to the New England Historic Genealogical Society, they are 10th cousins since Barack’s mom and Brown’s mother are both descended from Richard Singletary of who died at 102 in 1687 in Haverhill, Mass. “I’m glad to be in such distinguished company,“ said Brown.
And even better, (or worse), the society revealed in 2008 that Obama is also related to James Madison, Harry S Truman, Lyndon Johnson, Jimmy Carter, George H.W. Bush and – God help us – George W. Bush.
No wonder “change” is so hard to come by…
“I don’t shop at places that think it is OK to stand next to people who don’t believe the Bible is all true.” ~ Huntsville Times website, from Church & State magazine
AND THE WORD IS LOVE
A Southern California’s Menifee Union School District pulled dictionaries from classrooms because a parent complained when a child came across the term "oral sex” and the school is forming a committee to consider a permanent ban of the Merriam Webster's Collegiate Dictionary as "a number of referenced words are age-inappropriate.” Executive director Peter Scheer, of the California First Amendment Coalition observed that "Common sense seems to be lacking in this school."
And the Culpeper, Virginia, Star-Exponent reports that local schools pulled the newly released expanded version of Anne Frank’s The Diary of a Young Girl: The Definitive Edition from its shelves after another parent's complaint.
“There are little folds of skin all over the place,” wrote the teenaged Anne in the offending passage, “You can hardly find it. The little hole underneath is so terribly small that I simply can't imagine how a man can get in there, let alone how a whole baby can get out!”
Why is it when your wife becomes pregnant, all her girlfriends rub her tummy and say
“congratulations” but none of them rub your woody and say “well done”? ~ Phil's Phunny Phacts
ANOTHER FINE MESS
Police arrested Laurel and Hardy after they showed up at a Kingston, PA
residence and allegedly delivered 50 bags of cocaine worth about $2,500 to an unidentified occupant. Carlos Laurel, 31, also had 10 bags of marijuana hidden in his
waistband, and Andre "Sug" Hardy, 39, has been previously arrested on other drug-related charges.
“Laurel and Hardy each face felony charges for delivery of a controlled substance, criminal conspiracy to commit delivery of a controlled substance, possession with intent to deliver a controlled substance, criminal conspiracy to commit possession with intent to deliver a controlled substance and criminal use of a communication facility,“ writes reporter Erin Moody, as well as “misdemeanor charges of possession of a controlled substance, criminal conspiracy to commit possession of a controlled substance and possession of drug paraphernalia.”
“These Laurel and Hardy Block-Heads (1938) thought they were Lucky Dogs (1921) in Big Business (1929) and are now in a Spot of Trouble (1952) and will soon be saying Pardon Us (1931) before being prosecuted as Nuts in May (1917),” observes another Planeteer, whose name I have unfortunately misplaced but is hopefully credited below…
"After 10 full years inside the GOP, 90 days amongst honest criminals wasn't any great
ordeal." ~ Allen Raymond, “How To Rig an Election: Confessions of a Republican Operative”
PUTTIN' ON THE DOG
A local church here in Southern California has announced that it is now welcoming dogs into its services. If they become unruly or start barking, the congregation sings “Amazing Grace” and they all calm down.
But even more important, the last edition of the AARP News reports that Michigan Rep. Rep. Thaddeus McCotter has introduced a bill to allow the 60% of Americans with animal companions to deduct pet-related expenses from income taxes to the tune of $3,500 a year.
The HAPPY (“Humanity and Pets Partnered Through the Years) Act is designed to strengthen the “human-animal bond.” (But his bill does not yet lift the human/animal-cloning ban cited by GW…yet.)
“I can remember when I was younger my mum used to put on the Rugrats when I wasn't fell and after a wee while it would make me all better again.” ~ Scottish fan
METHOD DRINKING
While the Russian government has decided to raise the price of vodka to fight alcoholism, German actors in a stage production of Moscow To the End of the Line based
on a Soviet era novel by the late Russian author Venedikt Erofeev at Frankfurt's Schauspielhaus theatre, decided the best way to portray a worker and his fellow travelers who "spend the journey binge-drinking and never arrive at their destination”, was to hit the bottle, Telegraph.co.uk reports.
“At first it was quite impressive,” comments a spectator, “They seemed to be
giving a good impersonation of tipsiness. Then they started leaping around shouting
'Nasdrovia' (cheers in Russian) ... and then they handed round the drink." But when
one actor fell off the stage and another off of a table, the stagehands had to drop the
curtain and call an ambulance,
"It was seen as a bit of an experiment,” adds Director Oliver Reese, “sort of along the lines of 'let's perform this wonderful text and have a bit of a drink at the same time' - and it went a bit awry.” (Wait! I thought they were drinking vodka!)
“After all, one knows one's weak points so well, that it's rather bewildering to have the critics overlook them and invent others.” ~ Edith Wharton
LET’S EAT
A group of 40-year old buddies decided to get together and discuss where they
should meet for dinner. Finally it is agreed upon that they should meet at the Gausthof zum Lowen restaurant because the waitresses there have low cut blouses and nice breasts.
10 years later, at 50 years of age, the group meets again and once again they discuss and discuss where they should meet. Finally it is agreed upon that they should meet at the Gausthof zum Lowen because the food there is very good and the wine selection is good also.
10 years later at 60 years of age, the group meets again and once again they discuss and discuss where they should meet. Finally it is agreed upon that they should meet at the Gausthof zum Lowen because they can eat there in peace and quiet and the restaurant is smoke free.
10 years later, at 70 years of age, the group meets again and once again they discuss and discuss where they should meet. Finally it is agreed upon that they should meet at the Gausthof zum Lowen because the restaurant is wheel chair accessible and they even have an elevator.
10 years later, at 80 years of age, the group meets again and once again they discuss and discuss where they should meet. Finally it is agreed upon that they should meet at the Gausthof zum Lowen because that would be a great idea because they have never been there before.
“Super Bowl Sunday is the second largest food consumption day in the U.S. Tied for first -
every Jewish holiday.” ~ Ken Levine, Huffington Post
YRETSYM A S'TI
Former Gov. Mike Easley used a private, secret e-mail account to conduct state
business: the e-mail address? REGNAD KCIN - "Nick Danger" spelled backwards…
“Nick Danger,” explains the News Observer, “ is a fictional private eye character featured in radio performances by The Firesign Theatre, a troupe whose 1960s Los Angeles-based act was heavily influenced by The Goon Show, a British troupe that included Peter Sellers and was also a major influence on Monty Python's Flying Circus. Easley's spelling "Nick Danger" backward could come from a joke…in which Danger, sitting in his office, read his name on his glass office door: Regnad Kcin".
But Sherri Johnson, Easley's communications director, said she believed the backward spelling was his own. "The governor wrote backwards. I mean, when he wrote, he wrote backwards.”
Well, which is it? “Sounds like a case for Nick Danger,” conclude Planeteers Tom Harkins and the Borden family who alerted me about this "sleazy weasel" Easley.
“I am a kind of a paranoid in reverse. I suspect people of plotting to make me happy. “ ~ J. D.
Salinger, of Seymour Glass in
"The Party told you to reject the evidence of your eyes and ears. It was their final, most essential command." ~ George Orwell, “1984”
RE: TIRE: MENT
Arguments for retirement: How many days in a week? - Six Saturdays, one Sunday. What do you do all week? - Monday to Friday, nothing; Saturday & Sunday I rest. When is a retiree's bedtime? - Three hours after he falls asleep on the couch. How many retirees to change a light bulb? - Only one, but it might take all day. Why don't retirees mind being called seniors? - The term comes with a 10% percent discount.
Among retirees what is considered formal attire? - Tied shoes. Why do retirees count pennies? - They have the time. Why are retirees so slow to clean out the basement,
attic or garage? - They know that as soon as they do, one of their adult kids will want to store
stuff there. What's the biggest gripe of retirees? - There is not enough time to get everything
done.
What's the biggest advantage of going back to school as a retiree? - If you cut classes, no one can call your parents. Why does a retiree often say he doesn't miss work, but misses the people he used to work with? - He's too polite to tell the whole truth. What do retirees call a long lunch? - Normal. What is the best way to describe retirement? - The never-ending Coffee Break.
And what is the common term for someone who refuses to retire? - NUTS!
“Musicians don't retire; they stop when there's no more music in them.” ~ Louis Armstrong
FIRE SALE
“Dr. Firesign” wrote to say that he opened a “Collector's Choice” Catalog to find a
compendium representing the “Top 200 releases from the last year or so." At Number 75 (!) is the Box of Danger for $49.98: "This trailblazing troupe took on the radio detective shows of old in '69 with their most famous creation, Nick Danger,” says the blurb.
And finally, voice-over colleague Danny Mann writes that he recently read copy on which was handwritten “40-50 yr old Phil Proctor type” and overheard people asking each other, "What does he sound like?" Like Rocky Rococo, you stupid fools!
"Knowledge is of no value unless you put it into practice."~ Anton Chekhov
THE ANNIVERSARY FAIRY
A married couple in their early 60's were celebrating their 40th Wedding Anniversary in a quiet, romantic little restaurant. Suddenly, a tiny, beautiful fairy appeared on their table. and said, "For being such a wonderful married couple and for loving each other for all this time, I will grant you each a wish."
The wife answered, "Oh, I want to travel around the world with my darling husband." The fairy waved her magic wand and poof! Two tickets for the Queen Mary II appeared in her hands. The husband thought for a moment:
"Well, this is all very romantic, but an opportunity like this will never come again.. I'm sorry my love, but my wish is to have a wife 30 years younger than I."
A wish is a wish. So the fairy waved her magic wand and poof! -- the husband became 93 years old. The moral of this story?
“Men who are ungrateful bastards should remember fairies are female.”
“We are what we repeatedly do. Excellence, then, is not an act, but a habit.” ~ Aristotle
A THEORY OF RELATIVITY
During the campaign, I wrote of President Obama’s Irish heritage, but now Mark Silva notes in the LA Times that he’s also related to – are you sitting down? – newly elected Rep. senator Scott Brown!
Apparently, according to the New England Historic Genealogical Society, they are 10th cousins since Barack’s mom and Brown’s mother are both descended from Richard Singletary of who died at 102 in 1687 in Haverhill, Mass. “I’m glad to be in such distinguished company,“ said Brown.
And even better, (or worse), the society revealed in 2008 that Obama is also related to James Madison, Harry S Truman, Lyndon Johnson, Jimmy Carter, George H.W. Bush and – God help us – George W. Bush.
No wonder “change” is so hard to come by…
“I don’t shop at places that think it is OK to stand next to people who don’t believe the Bible is all true.” ~ Huntsville Times website, from Church & State magazine
AND THE WORD IS LOVE
A Southern California’s Menifee Union School District pulled dictionaries from classrooms because a parent complained when a child came across the term "oral sex” and the school is forming a committee to consider a permanent ban of the Merriam Webster's Collegiate Dictionary as "a number of referenced words are age-inappropriate.” Executive director Peter Scheer, of the California First Amendment Coalition observed that "Common sense seems to be lacking in this school."
And the Culpeper, Virginia, Star-Exponent reports that local schools pulled the newly released expanded version of Anne Frank’s The Diary of a Young Girl: The Definitive Edition from its shelves after another parent's complaint.
“There are little folds of skin all over the place,” wrote the teenaged Anne in the offending passage, “You can hardly find it. The little hole underneath is so terribly small that I simply can't imagine how a man can get in there, let alone how a whole baby can get out!”
Why is it when your wife becomes pregnant, all her girlfriends rub her tummy and say
“congratulations” but none of them rub your woody and say “well done”? ~ Phil's Phunny Phacts
ANOTHER FINE MESS
Police arrested Laurel and Hardy after they showed up at a Kingston, PA
residence and allegedly delivered 50 bags of cocaine worth about $2,500 to an unidentified occupant. Carlos Laurel, 31, also had 10 bags of marijuana hidden in his
waistband, and Andre "Sug" Hardy, 39, has been previously arrested on other drug-related charges.
“Laurel and Hardy each face felony charges for delivery of a controlled substance, criminal conspiracy to commit delivery of a controlled substance, possession with intent to deliver a controlled substance, criminal conspiracy to commit possession with intent to deliver a controlled substance and criminal use of a communication facility,“ writes reporter Erin Moody, as well as “misdemeanor charges of possession of a controlled substance, criminal conspiracy to commit possession of a controlled substance and possession of drug paraphernalia.”
“These Laurel and Hardy Block-Heads (1938) thought they were Lucky Dogs (1921) in Big Business (1929) and are now in a Spot of Trouble (1952) and will soon be saying Pardon Us (1931) before being prosecuted as Nuts in May (1917),” observes another Planeteer, whose name I have unfortunately misplaced but is hopefully credited below…
"After 10 full years inside the GOP, 90 days amongst honest criminals wasn't any great
ordeal." ~ Allen Raymond, “How To Rig an Election: Confessions of a Republican Operative”
PUTTIN' ON THE DOG
A local church here in Southern California has announced that it is now welcoming dogs into its services. If they become unruly or start barking, the congregation sings “Amazing Grace” and they all calm down.
But even more important, the last edition of the AARP News reports that Michigan Rep. Rep. Thaddeus McCotter has introduced a bill to allow the 60% of Americans with animal companions to deduct pet-related expenses from income taxes to the tune of $3,500 a year.
The HAPPY (“Humanity and Pets Partnered Through the Years) Act is designed to strengthen the “human-animal bond.” (But his bill does not yet lift the human/animal-cloning ban cited by GW…yet.)
“I can remember when I was younger my mum used to put on the Rugrats when I wasn't fell and after a wee while it would make me all better again.” ~ Scottish fan
METHOD DRINKING
While the Russian government has decided to raise the price of vodka to fight alcoholism, German actors in a stage production of Moscow To the End of the Line based
on a Soviet era novel by the late Russian author Venedikt Erofeev at Frankfurt's Schauspielhaus theatre, decided the best way to portray a worker and his fellow travelers who "spend the journey binge-drinking and never arrive at their destination”, was to hit the bottle, Telegraph.co.uk reports.
“At first it was quite impressive,” comments a spectator, “They seemed to be
giving a good impersonation of tipsiness. Then they started leaping around shouting
'Nasdrovia' (cheers in Russian) ... and then they handed round the drink." But when
one actor fell off the stage and another off of a table, the stagehands had to drop the
curtain and call an ambulance,
"It was seen as a bit of an experiment,” adds Director Oliver Reese, “sort of along the lines of 'let's perform this wonderful text and have a bit of a drink at the same time' - and it went a bit awry.” (Wait! I thought they were drinking vodka!)
“After all, one knows one's weak points so well, that it's rather bewildering to have the critics overlook them and invent others.” ~ Edith Wharton
LET’S EAT
A group of 40-year old buddies decided to get together and discuss where they
should meet for dinner. Finally it is agreed upon that they should meet at the Gausthof zum Lowen restaurant because the waitresses there have low cut blouses and nice breasts.
10 years later, at 50 years of age, the group meets again and once again they discuss and discuss where they should meet. Finally it is agreed upon that they should meet at the Gausthof zum Lowen because the food there is very good and the wine selection is good also.
10 years later at 60 years of age, the group meets again and once again they discuss and discuss where they should meet. Finally it is agreed upon that they should meet at the Gausthof zum Lowen because they can eat there in peace and quiet and the restaurant is smoke free.
10 years later, at 70 years of age, the group meets again and once again they discuss and discuss where they should meet. Finally it is agreed upon that they should meet at the Gausthof zum Lowen because the restaurant is wheel chair accessible and they even have an elevator.
10 years later, at 80 years of age, the group meets again and once again they discuss and discuss where they should meet. Finally it is agreed upon that they should meet at the Gausthof zum Lowen because that would be a great idea because they have never been there before.
“Super Bowl Sunday is the second largest food consumption day in the U.S. Tied for first -
every Jewish holiday.” ~ Ken Levine, Huffington Post
YRETSYM A S'TI
Former Gov. Mike Easley used a private, secret e-mail account to conduct state
business: the e-mail address? REGNAD KCIN - "Nick Danger" spelled backwards…
“Nick Danger,” explains the News Observer, “ is a fictional private eye character featured in radio performances by The Firesign Theatre, a troupe whose 1960s Los Angeles-based act was heavily influenced by The Goon Show, a British troupe that included Peter Sellers and was also a major influence on Monty Python's Flying Circus. Easley's spelling "Nick Danger" backward could come from a joke…in which Danger, sitting in his office, read his name on his glass office door: Regnad Kcin".
But Sherri Johnson, Easley's communications director, said she believed the backward spelling was his own. "The governor wrote backwards. I mean, when he wrote, he wrote backwards.”
Well, which is it? “Sounds like a case for Nick Danger,” conclude Planeteers Tom Harkins and the Borden family who alerted me about this "sleazy weasel" Easley.
“I am a kind of a paranoid in reverse. I suspect people of plotting to make me happy. “ ~ J. D.
Salinger
"The Party told you to reject the evidence of your eyes and ears. It was their final, most essential command." ~ George Orwell, “1984”
RE: TIRE: MENT
Arguments for retirement: How many days in a week? - Six Saturdays, one Sunday. What do you do all week? - Monday to Friday, nothing; Saturday & Sunday I rest. When is a retiree's bedtime? - Three hours after he falls asleep on the couch. How many retirees to change a light bulb? - Only one, but it might take all day. Why don't retirees mind being called seniors? - The term comes with a 10% percent discount.
Among retirees what is considered formal attire? - Tied shoes. Why do retirees count pennies? - They have the time. Why are retirees so slow to clean out the basement,
attic or garage? - They know that as soon as they do, one of their adult kids will want to store
stuff there. What's the biggest gripe of retirees? - There is not enough time to get everything
done.
What's the biggest advantage of going back to school as a retiree? - If you cut classes, no one can call your parents. Why does a retiree often say he doesn't miss work, but misses the people he used to work with? - He's too polite to tell the whole truth. What do retirees call a long lunch? - Normal. What is the best way to describe retirement? - The never-ending Coffee Break.
And what is the common term for someone who refuses to retire? - NUTS!
“Musicians don't retire; they stop when there's no more music in them.” ~ Louis Armstrong
FIRE SALE
“Dr. Firesign” wrote to say that he opened a “Collector's Choice” Catalog to find a compendium representing the “Top 200 releases from the last year or so." At Number 75 (!) is the Box of Danger for $49.98: "This trailblazing troupe took on the radio detective shows of old in '69 with their most famous creation, Nick Danger,” says the blurb.
And finally, voice-over colleague Danny Mann writes that he recently read copy on which was handwritten “40-50 yr old Phil Proctor type” and overheard people asking each other, "What does he sound like?" Like Rocky Rococo, you stupid fools!
"Knowledge is of no value unless you put it into practice."~ Anton Chekhov
THE ANNIVERSARY FAIRY
A married couple in their early 60's were celebrating their 40th Wedding Anniversary in a quiet, romantic little restaurant. Suddenly, a tiny, beautiful fairy appeared on their table. and said, "For being such a wonderful married couple and for loving each other for all this time, I will grant you each a wish."
The wife answered, "Oh, I want to travel around the world with my darling husband." The fairy waved her magic wand and poof! Two tickets for the Queen Mary II appeared in her hands. The husband thought for a moment:
"Well, this is all very romantic, but an opportunity like this will never come again.. I'm sorry my love, but my wish is to have a wife 30 years younger than I."
A wish is a wish. So the fairy waved her magic wand and poof! -- the husband became 93 years old. The moral of this story?
“Men who are ungrateful bastards should remember fairies are female.”
“We are what we repeatedly do. Excellence, then, is not an act, but a habit.” ~ Aristotle
A THEORY OF RELATIVITY
During the campaign, I wrote of President Obama’s Irish heritage, but now Mark Silva notes in the LA Times that he’s also related to – are you sitting down? – newly elected Rep. senator Scott Brown!
Apparently, according to the New England Historic Genealogical Society, they are 10th cousins since Barack’s mom and Brown’s mother are both descended from Richard Singletary of who died at 102 in 1687 in Haverhill, Mass. “I’m glad to be in such distinguished company,“ said Brown.
And even better, (or worse), the society revealed in 2008 that Obama is also related to James Madison, Harry S Truman, Lyndon Johnson, Jimmy Carter, George H.W. Bush and – God help us – George W. Bush.
No wonder “change” is so hard to come by…
“I don’t shop at places that think it is OK to stand next to people who don’t believe the Bible is all true.” ~ Huntsville Times website, from Church & State magazine
AND THE WORD IS LOVE
A Southern California’s Menifee Union School District pulled dictionaries from classrooms because a parent complained when a child came across the term "oral sex” and the school is forming a committee to consider a permanent ban of the Merriam Webster's Collegiate Dictionary as "a number of referenced words are age-inappropriate.” Executive director Peter Scheer, of the California First Amendment Coalition observed that "Common sense seems to be lacking in this school."
And the Culpeper, Virginia, Star-Exponent reports that local schools pulled the newly released expanded version of Anne Frank’s The Diary of a Young Girl: The Definitive Edition from its shelves after another parent's complaint.
“There are little folds of skin all over the place,” wrote the teenaged Anne in the offending passage, “You can hardly find it. The little hole underneath is so terribly small that I simply can't imagine how a man can get in there, let alone how a whole baby can get out!”
Why is it when your wife becomes pregnant, all her girlfriends rub her tummy and say
“congratulations” but none of them rub your woody and say “well done”? ~ Phil's Phunny Phacts
ANOTHER FINE MESS
Police arrested Laurel and Hardy after they showed up at a Kingston, PA
residence and allegedly delivered 50 bags of cocaine worth about $2,500 to an unidentified occupant. Carlos Laurel, 31, also had 10 bags of marijuana hidden in his
waistband, and Andre "Sug" Hardy, 39, has been previously arrested on other drug-related charges.
“Laurel and Hardy each face felony charges for delivery of a controlled substance, criminal conspiracy to commit delivery of a controlled substance, possession with intent to deliver a controlled substance, criminal conspiracy to commit possession with intent to deliver a controlled substance and criminal use of a communication facility,“ writes reporter Erin Moody, as well as “misdemeanor charges of possession of a controlled substance, criminal conspiracy to commit possession of a controlled substance and possession of drug paraphernalia.”
“These Laurel and Hardy Block-Heads (1938) thought they were Lucky Dogs (1921) in Big Business (1929) and are now in a Spot of Trouble (1952) and will soon be saying Pardon Us (1931) before being prosecuted as Nuts in May (1917),” observes another Planeteer, whose name I have unfortunately misplaced but is hopefully credited below…
"After 10 full years inside the GOP, 90 days amongst honest criminals wasn't any great
ordeal." ~ Allen Raymond, “How To Rig an Election: Confessions of a Republican Operative”
PUTTIN' ON THE DOG
A local church here in Southern California has announced that it is now welcoming dogs into its services. If they become unruly or start barking, the congregation sings “Amazing Grace” and they all calm down.
But even more important, the last edition of the AARP News reports that Michigan Rep. Rep. Thaddeus McCotter has introduced a bill to allow the 60% of Americans with animal companions to deduct pet-related expenses from income taxes to the tune of $3,500 a year.
The HAPPY (“Humanity and Pets Partnered Through the Years) Act is designed to strengthen the “human-animal bond.” (But his bill does not yet lift the human/animal-cloning ban cited by GW…yet.)
“I can remember when I was younger my mum used to put on the Rugrats when I wasn't fell and after a wee while it would make me all better again.” ~ Scottish fan
METHOD DRINKING
While the Russian government has decided to raise the price of vodka to fight alcoholism, German actors in a stage production of Moscow To the End of the Line based
on a Soviet era novel by the late Russian author Venedikt Erofeev at Frankfurt's Schauspielhaus theatre, decided the best way to portray a worker and his fellow travelers who "spend the journey binge-drinking and never arrive at their destination”, was to hit the bottle, Telegraph.co.uk reports.
“At first it was quite impressive,” comments a spectator, “They seemed to be
giving a good impersonation of tipsiness. Then they started leaping around shouting
'Nasdrovia' (cheers in Russian) ... and then they handed round the drink." But when
one actor fell off the stage and another off of a table, the stagehands had to drop the
curtain and call an ambulance,
"It was seen as a bit of an experiment,” adds Director Oliver Reese, “sort of along the lines of 'let's perform this wonderful text and have a bit of a drink at the same time' - and it went a bit awry.” (Wait! I thought they were drinking vodka!)
“After all, one knows one's weak points so well, that it's rather bewildering to have the critics overlook them and invent others.” ~ Edith Wharton
LET’S EAT
A group of 40-year old buddies decided to get together and discuss where they
should meet for dinner. Finally it is agreed upon that they should meet at the Gausthof zum Lowen restaurant because the waitresses there have low cut blouses and nice breasts.
10 years later, at 50 years of age, the group meets again and once again they discuss and discuss where they should meet. Finally it is agreed upon that they should meet at the Gausthof zum Lowen because the food there is very good and the wine selection is good also.
10 years later at 60 years of age, the group meets again and once again they discuss and discuss where they should meet. Finally it is agreed upon that they should meet at the Gausthof zum Lowen because they can eat there in peace and quiet and the restaurant is smoke free.
10 years later, at 70 years of age, the group meets again and once again they discuss and discuss where they should meet. Finally it is agreed upon that they should meet at the Gausthof zum Lowen because the restaurant is wheel chair accessible and they even have an elevator.
10 years later, at 80 years of age, the group meets again and once again they discuss and discuss where they should meet. Finally it is agreed upon that they should meet at the Gausthof zum Lowen because that would be a great idea because they have never been there before.
“Super Bowl Sunday is the second largest food consumption day in the U.S. Tied for first -
every Jewish holiday.” ~ Ken Levine, Huffington Post
YRETSYM A S'TI
Former Gov. Mike Easley used a private, secret e-mail account to conduct state
business: the e-mail address? REGNAD KCIN - "Nick Danger" spelled backwards…
“Nick Danger,” explains the News Observer, “ is a fictional private eye character featured in radio performances by The Firesign Theatre, a troupe whose 1960s Los Angeles-based act was heavily influenced by The Goon Show, a British troupe that included Peter Sellers and was also a major influence on Monty Python's Flying Circus. Easley's spelling "Nick Danger" backward could come from a joke…in which Danger, sitting in his office, read his name on his glass office door: Regnad Kcin".
But Sherri Johnson, Easley's communications director, said she believed the backward spelling was his own. "The governor wrote backwards. I mean, when he wrote, he wrote backwards.”
Well, which is it? “Sounds like a case for Nick Danger,” conclude Planeteers Tom Harkins and the Borden family who alerted me about this "sleazy weasel" Easley.
“I am a kind of a paranoid in reverse. I suspect people of plotting to make me happy. “ ~ J. D.
Salinger of Seymour Glass in "Raise High the Roof Beam, Carpenters"
TEN RULES FOR MEN
1. It's important to have a woman who helps at home.
2. It's important to have a woman who cooks from time to time.
3. It's important to have a woman who keeps the house clean.
4. It's important to have a woman who has a job,
5. It's important to have a woman who likes you.
6. It's important to have a woman who can be your very best friend.
7. It's important to have a woman who can make you laugh.
8. It's important to have a woman who you can trust, who doesn't lie.
9. It's important to have a woman who is good in bed.
10. It's very important that these nine women do not know each other.
Sincerely, Tiger Woods
“You can always pick up your needle and move to another groove.” ~ Timothy Leary
THANKS
Bill Coombs, Nick Oliva, Jayne Lynn Stahl Tom Hemsley, M.C. Gwynne. Peter Van Norden, Garry Margolis, Paul Apple, Jayne Stahl, Victor Kopcewich, Alan Myerson, Lyn Palmer, Scott W. Langhill, George Riddle, John Achorn, and Patty Paul.
“Beware how you take away hope from another human being.” ~ Oliver Wendell Holmes
PRANKS
DAS iPAD: YouTube - Hitler responds to the iPad
MODELS:http://www.flickr.com/photos/24796741@N05/sets/72157604247242338/show/with/2346008881/
DEM/REP:http://www.whitehouse.gov/photos-and-video/video/president-obama-takes-questions-gophouse-issues-conference
HAPPY VALENTINE'S DAY!!!
++++++++++++ FEBRUARY 10, 2010 ++++++++++++
Planet Proctor © Phil Proctor 2010
TEN RULES FOR MEN
1. It's important to have a woman who helps at home.
2. It's important to have a woman who cooks from time to time.
3. It's important to have a woman who keeps the house clean.
4. It's important to have a woman who has a job,
5. It's important to have a woman who likes you.
6. It's important to have a woman who can be your very best friend.
7. It's important to have a woman who can make you laugh.
8. It's important to have a woman who you can trust, who doesn't lie.
9. It's important to have a woman who is good in bed.
10. It's very important that these nine women do not know each other.
Sincerely, Tiger Woods
“You can always pick up your needle and move to another groove.” ~ Timothy Leary
THANKS
Bill Coombs, Nick Oliva, Jayne Lynn Stahl Tom Hemsley, M.C. Gwynne. Peter Van Norden, Garry Margolis, Paul Apple, Jayne Stahl, Victor Kopcewich, Alan Myerson, Lyn Palmer, Scott W. Langhill, George Riddle, John Achorn, and Patty Paul.
“Beware how you take away hope from another human being.” ~ Oliver Wendell Holmes
PRANKS
DAS iPAD: YouTube - Hitler responds to the iPad
MODELS:http://www.flickr.com/photos/24796741@N05/sets/72157604247242338/show/with/2346008881/
DEM/REP:http://www.whitehouse.gov/photos-and-video/video/president-obama-takes-questions-gophouse-issues-conference
HAPPY VALENTINE'S DAY!!!
++++++++++++ FEBRUARY 10, 2010 ++++++++++++
Planet Proctor © Phil Proctor 2010
TEN RULES FOR MEN
1. It's important to have a woman who helps at home.
2. It's important to have a woman who cooks from time to time.
3. It's important to have a woman who keeps the house clean.
4. It's important to have a woman who has a job,
5. It's important to have a woman who likes you.
6. It's important to have a woman who can be your very best friend.
7. It's important to have a woman who can make you laugh.
8. It's important to have a woman who you can trust, who doesn't lie.
9. It's important to have a woman who is good in bed.
10. It's very important that these nine women do not know each other.
Sincerely, Tiger Woods
“You can always pick up your needle and move to another groove.” ~ Timothy Leary
THANKS
Bill Coombs, Nick Oliva, Jayne Lynn Stahl Tom Hemsley, M.C. Gwynne. Peter Van Norden, Garry Margolis, Paul Apple, Jayne Stahl, Victor Kopcewich, Alan Myerson, Lyn Palmer, Scott W. Langhill, George Riddle, John Achorn, and Patty Paul.
“Beware how you take away hope from another human being.” ~ Oliver Wendell Holmes
PRANKS
DAS iPAD: YouTube - Hitler responds to the iPad
MODELS:http://www.flickr.com/photos/24796741@N05/sets/72157604247242338/show/with/2346008881/
DEM/REP:http://www.whitehouse.gov/photos-and-video/video/president-obama-takes-questions-gophouse-issues-conference
HAPPY VALENTINE'S DAY!!!
++++++++++++ FEBRUARY 10, 2010 ++++++++++++
Planet Proctor © Phil Proctor 2010
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