This site is supported by these services, the lowest ANYWHERE.
"Cleanest Water
"
Best filter available eight cents per gallon.
"
Cellular Phone
Pay less than in real-world cell phone stores.
Long Distance
Save on international and inbound toll-free calls!
Triple Play
High-speed internet, TV and digital phone on same bill!
High-Speed DSL
Find the best high-speed provider in your area.
Want a free hi-tech business and free hosted site to sell these services?
|
Whether you own a blog, create your own web pages, or make sales in the real-world, earn top dollar for your efforts selling the best products on planet earth!
Magic Stuff.
Children Magicians
Adult Magicians
Business Magicians
Tavern - Restaurant Customer Builder Promotion.
Tradeshow Magicians
Learn Tie Trick
See Magic Tricks
Sales Training
How to Accomplish Impossible In
Sales
Newspaper trick.
Magicians Lessons.
Balloon Lessons
Market Yourself
Magicians Show Photos
Guestbook.html.
E-mail Magic Mike
Leave A Tip
Send Show Deposit
Home Page
Mind Stuff.
Inspirational Art,
and Great Quotes.
ESP Finding Stuff.
ESP Lightning Strike
Butterfly On Finger
ESP Finding the Dalai Lama
ESP Volcano missed
ESP Predict Quakes
Reincarnated Boy
Tharlam Monastery
Read Literature.
Read The Bible
Read Wisdom Sutra
Read Tao Te Ching
Ancient game of Go.
Fun Stuff.
Wallpaper photos:
Space, Fine Art, Landscape, Animals
Award Short Movies
Award Animations.
Magic Joke Parlor.
Cartoon Of Day
Funny Photos.
Bumper Stickers
Movie Previews.
Movie Reviews.
Aquarium Cam.
Time-Lapse Photos
Harry
Potter Gifts
Cool stuff to hear.
Horoscope
WDFM Penn State
radio comedy 1969
I was one of the people
that started the
birth of FM Radio
as you know it today!
Info Stuff.
Thousands Of Great Recipes
Food &
Drink
Useful Links
Travel, Embassies.
Medical News
Cancer News
Natural
Science
Science
News.
Space News
Newspapers.
TV News
News Wires
Global Dimming!!
Rights for Street Performers
.
Magic Mike's Jokes Archive #48 (March and
April 2002)
Jokes from the mailbox, Magic Mailouts, NASA space
photo links and other great wallpaper photos,
and Firesign Phil's Planet Proctor Orbits.
Back to Joke Archive Entry
Magic Mike's Joke Page
Parlor Magic Mike's Home
Page
"Since all phenomena, is a product of one's own mind,
empty of meaning, like a magician's illusion,
having nothing to do with good or bad, acceptance or rejection,
one might burst out in laughter."
- Longchenpa, 13th century Tibetan monk.
Emily, I found this site that has famous authors and the literature they wrote, on-line to read. These are the ones I thought you might like to read, as this month is your birthday and you are becoming a teenager, I thought I'd recommend them. Many adults have never read these and they have missed out on word treasures that I hope you will find enriching. Many of these are part of school classes and some are not. These are worth reading no matter what age you are. I picked the ones that weren't TOO serious, with famous stories you may have heard of, or seen as movies on TV. When you read Emily Dickinson, whose name you share, keep in mind she was thought about death a lot, until she got happier, but I thought her poem Because I Could Not Stop For Death, was well written. I also particularly like Robert Frost, who was our National Poet Laureate until we stopped have them, or something. The Midnight Ride Of Paul Revere is very good. You will be amazed how many you know are from Rudyard Kipling. These are only a third of the famous authors at this site. The ones I picked are the most fun, and also thought by MOST people to be the world's best stories. I have found that not only were these the most fun, most people feel that having read these books gave them insights to lives, emotions, worlds, and experiences that were places they are very glad they visited. Reading these stories made me feel like I went on trips and journeys I could never exper nce on my own, but by reading carefully, to experience and feel the magic the author created, I made those journeys. -Magic Mike
I recommend these authors to check out at your own pace. http://www.online-literature.com/ Austen, Jane Wrote Emma Sense and Sensibility Carroll, Lewis WROTE ALICE IN WONDERLAND Bierce, Ambrose wrote An Occurrence at Owl Creek Bridge Burroughs, Edgar Rice WROTE TARZAN Dickinson, Emily POEMS Because I Could Not Stop for Death Doyle, Arthur Conan WROTE SHERLOCK HOLMES Kipling, Rudyard WROTE GUNGA DIN, KIM, THE JUNGLE BOOK, HOW THE CAMEL GOT IT'S HUMP Dickens, Charles WROTE A Christmas Carol A Tale of Two Cities David Copperfield Oliver Twist . Irving, Washington - WROTE LEGEND OF SLEEPY HOLLOW AND RIP VAN WINKLE Frost, Robert WROTE TWO ROADS DIVIDED IN A WOOD, AND, MILES TO GO BEFORE I SLEEP London, Jack WROTE CALL OF THE WILD Longfellow, Henry Wadsworth WROTE HIAWATHA AND THE MIDNIGHT RIDE OF PAUL REVERE Orwell, George ANIMAL FARM AND 1984 Poe, Edgar Allan WROTE THE RAVEN, PIT AND THE PENDULUM, OBLONG BOX, FALL OF HOUSE OF USHER, Shakespeare, William READ MIDSUMMER'S NIGHT DREAM!!! AND SEE THE MOVIE!!!!!! Stoker, Bram WROTE DRACULA
Wells, H.G. WROTE TIME MACHINE, THE INVISIBLE MAN, AND WAR OF THE WORLDS Stevenson, Robert Louis WROTE TREASURE ISLAND AND KIDNAPPED Swift, Jonathan WROTE GULLIVER'S TRAVELS Twain, Mark WROTE CONNECTICUT YANKEE IN KING AUTHOR'S COURT, TOM SAWYER/HUCK FINN Verne, Jules WROTE 20 LEAGUES UNDER THE SEA ((((((((((((((((((((((((((( PLANET PROCTOR 2002-06 - http://www.planetproctor.com
"The entertainment industry is a cruel and shallow money trench, a long plastic hallway where thieves and pimps run free, and good men die like dogs. There's also a negative side." - Hunter S. Thompson
ALWAYS A BRIDESMAID... The Firesign Theatre is, of course, deeply honored to have been nominated three times for a Grammy, but thanks to that indomitable curmudgeon, George Carlin, we were denied once again the thrill of victory and had to settle for a great show and another wonderful party at the Biltmore. I hope we won't have to wait for a Lifetime Achievement Award delivered to the old comedians' home. Thanks to all our friends and supporters, and I dedicate this award to the Bride of Firesign, the Daughter of Firesign and the Mother of Firesign; my beautiful, courageous, inspiring and talented wife, Melinda; my lovely, gifted and funny daughter Kristin; and my late Amish-Irish mother, Audre, who gave me the most precious gift of all, after life - a sense of humor. "I thought I was talking to my momma's ashes, but she wasn't there." - Barbara Davis, victim of Georgia's Tri-State Crematorium scam
GOSHEN = SH'GONE My darling, witty mother, born Audre Jane Yoder of Amish/Irish/German lineage, passed over peacefully at 1:23 am in her home town of Goshen, Indiana, on Tuesday morning, March 19th. My aunt Bonnie (her one remaining sibling) and her daughter, Betsy were able to see her earlier that day and brought her some comfort; and she and I had a degree of closure over the phone when she was first admitted. In that conversation she confided to me that she thought she wouldn't make it through this one and; although I got her spirits up, I did tell her I was prepared for her transition and would see her on the other side (which I sincerely believe). She became increasingly weak soon thereafter, and when the pneumonia progressed to her other lung, the call from her Doctor confirmed the ultimate outcome in my mind. As she was on high-pressure oxygen from that point on, I was unable to talk directly with her for the last days of her life, but sent my messages of love through her nurses. When her best friend, Anne Garman, died less than a month ago, rather distressfully, Mom confided, I knew that one of her last reasons for hanging on was gone; and knowing as well that her quality of life had deteriorated since her major surgery last year, no matter how cozy she was at the Greencroft assisted living home, I did fear that she might be ready to "check out" when the opportunity presented itself. I'd talked to her every week, as often as I could, and when she complained that she might be coming down with a cold, my sensors went up. Unfortunately, in her still weakened state, a virus rapidly took hold, progressing to a bronchitis; and when antibiotics failed to halt its progress to pneumonia, off she went again to the all-too-familiar hospital. At least she was cared for by staff whom she knew and who "cared for" her.
When I heard that he had suffered another heart attack upon admittance, I feared even more for her wellbeing. Nonetheless, her death was a rather too swift, preventing me from traveling out to see her once the Firesign Theatre live XM radio show and the Grammy Awards was out of the way. Talk about bad timing! Bonnie confirmed to me that Mom did not expect me to come to her side and in fact had always discouraged such a reaction, reiterating it to me many times over the years. She was a independent cuss! Mom and I had no unfinished business between us; we were as close as two people can be and had great love for one another right up to the end. Of course, I am sad, and feel emotion well up regularly over her passing; but I am also grateful that she had such a long and eventful life and wanted to leave it on her own terms, as creatively and unconventionally as she lived it. I honor that. Melinda and I, and my daughter Kristin and her boyfriend will be gathering at Goshen on Saturday, Feb 9th to inter her ashes in the Yoder family plot, settle her affairs and distribute her remaining earthly goods. We return Wednesday. "Life gives more than death can take away." - Anonymous from Richard Green
SILVER METAL HITS The Beatles: "I get by with a little help from Depends" Steely Dan: "Rikki Don't Lose That Clapper" Herman's Hermits: "Mrs. Brown You've Got a Lovely Walker" The Rolling Stones: "You Can't Always Pee When You Want" Credence Clearwater Revival: "Bad Prune Rising" Marvin Gaye: "I Heard It Through The Grape Nuts" The Who: "Talkin' 'Bout My Medication..." The Troggs: "Bald Thing" (From Tiny Dr. Tim, author unknown - or just forgotten?)
"It's like the sun and the moon. They both go around the earth, but one is a little bit brighter and a little bit hotter than the other," - Dog mauling defense attorney, J. Tony Serra
TICK, TOCK At 8.02pm on February 20 much was made of an "historic moment" in time as military clocks announced 2002, 2002, 2002 (or) 20:02, 20/02, 2002. If you missed this exciting moment, you can always go freeze yourself and set the thaw for 9:12 PM on December 21st, in the year 2112 when for another sixty seconds it will turn 2112, 2112, 2112 or 21:12, 21/12, 2112. Of course, this mind-boggling event also happened at 11:11 AM on November 11th in the year 1111 (1111, 1111, 1111; 11:11, 11/11, 1111) and at 1:10 AM on October 1st in the year 110 (0110, 0110, 0110; 01:10, 01/10, 0110) but I don't think anyone noticed.
"Time is an illusion; lunch time doubly so." Douglas Adams, Hitchhikers Guide
THE SURREAL NEWS IN REVIEW First, the creator of comic surrealism, called by Eddie Izzard "The Godfather of alternative comedy for the world" (and for the Firesign Theatre, who's Peter Bergman once collaborated with the great man) died at 83 on Grammy Day. Spike Milligan, who created England's ever-popular Goon Show, originally called "Crazy People Featuring the Goons" (he found the word goon in a Popeye comic) and first broadcast on 28 May 1951, established the careers of Harry Secombe and Peter Sellers. He once declared "You'd have to be a total idiot to be happy today." His real life story is as absurd as the scripts he wrote, and to see his wacky auto-obit, go http://www.smh.com.au/news/0202/28/html/obituaries1.html Meanwhile, Britain has just committed to pioneering the cloning of human embryos for disease research, the Brooklyn Bridge and several other spans may asoon be on sale to help finance the economic aftereffects of 9-11, and mentally ill killer, Alexander Williams IV believes actress Sigourney Weaver is God. What's crazy about that? The Winter Olympics may be over, but a Russian presidential spokesman noted that they "are being treated differently" today. "At least they were afraid of us then. And they were afraid to mess with us." Ex-Soviet Hockey player Vlad Krutov added before the recent defeat by the American team, "If we lose, it will mean that the entire country is defeated." And finally, the Finns were prohibited by the George Gershwin from mounting an all-white "Porgy and Bess". "But Mr. Gershwin," they wrote, "We have no black actors in Finland."
"They not only make the laws of the land -- they make history!" - Promo for CBS' "Supreme Court" from The Lost Tapes' Reel George
A REAL BLACKOUT A group of white people, fed up with African Americans, joined together and fantasized of an America free of all blacks. At last -- no more crime, drugs, violence and welfare! But this "NEW AMERICA" is only a barren land! There are veryfew crops since the nation had been built on a slave-supported system. There are no skyscrapers because Alexander Mils, a black man, invented the Elevator. There are few if any cars because Richard Spikes, a black man, invented the Automatic Gear Shift and Joseph Gammell, also black, invented the Super Charge System for Internal Combustion Engines and Garrett A. Morgan invented the Traffic Signals. Furthermore, one could not use a Rapid Transit System because its precursor was the electric trolley, which was invented by another black man named Elbert R. Robinson. And the were filthyr since an African American, Charles Brooks, invented the Street Sweeper. There were few if any newspapers, magazines and books as John Loveinvented the Pencil Sharpener, William Purvis invented the Fountain Pen, Lee Burridge invented the Typewriting Machine and W. A. Lovette invented the Advanced Printing Press. Even if Americans could write, they're efforts would not have been transported by mail becauseit was William Barry who invented the Postmarking and Canceling Machine, William Purvis, the Hand Stamp and Phillip Downing, the Letter Drop. Lawns were brown and wilted because Joseph Smith invented the Sprinkler and John Burr the Lawn Mower. When they entered their homes, they found them to be poorly ventilated and poorly heated. Frederick Jones invented the Air Conditioner and Alice Parker the Heating Furnace. Their homes were also dim because Lewis Latimer invented the Electric Lamp, Michael Harvey, the Lantern and Granville T. Woods -- the Automatic Cut-off Switch. And their homes were grubby because Thomas W. Steward invented the Mopand Lloyd P. Ray, the Dust Pan. Their children met them at the door barefooted, shabby and unkempt. But what could one expect? Jan E. Matzelinger invented the Shoe Lasting Machine, Walter Sammons invented the Comb, Sarah Boone, the Ironing Board and George T. Samon gave us the Clothes Dryer. And their food had spoiled because another black man, John Standard, invented the refrigerator. Black history includes more than just slavery, Frederick Douglass, Martin Luther King, Jr., Malcolm X, Marcus Garvey and W.E.B. Dubois "In a free society, diversity is not disorder. Debate is not strife. And dissent is not revolution." - President G.W. Bush in China
STILL WAITING... The Firesign Theatre's classic audio comedy, "Waiting for the Electrician or Someone Like Him" with five actors playing fifty characters in fifteen minutes, has been extended at The Players Space, 4934 Lankershim Blvd, from March 1st to March 23rd, Fridays @ 8PM and Saturdays @ 10. Collaborating with FST members, director David Avcollie will then open "How Can You Be In Two Places At Once" with "Electrician" to start a 12-week cycle in which three more Firesign plays will open, culminating in a gala June presentation at the NoHo Arts Festival. Visit http://hometown.aol.com/theplayersspace/ThePlayersSpace.html for production stills and discount tickets or call (818) 508-6612! "More than any other time in history, mankind faces a crossroads. One path leads to despair and utter hopelessness. The other, to total extinction. Let us pray we have the wisdom to choose correctly." - Woody Allen
TH-TH-THAT'S ALL FOLKS... According to the L.A. Times, animation genius Chuck Jones, who gave life to that wascally wabbit, the portly pig, the lisping duck and the tormented coyote, died at home at 89. A three-time Oscar winner, whose career spanned more than 60 years and more than 300 animated films, died of congestive heart failure. "Animation isn't the illusion of life," he said, "it is life."
AND IN CONCLUSION My friend, Philadelphia-based producer John Rice, sent me a moving tribute to my mother, which affords me an opportunity to thank all of you who have responded to my loss. He wrote, "With your permission, I want to step outside tonight and look to the sky, pick a star and stare at it. It doesn't really matter which star, because I think if I look up, it will find me. I believe in stars. I believe in the glimmer and shimmer of light that cuts through the darkness. I believe they are symbols of life. "If I find a star, and I think I will even on this cloudy night, may I say 'hello' to you mother? May I thank her for at least one life I know she has inspired in this world? May I thank her for the humor that I believe she inspired in you? May I tell her that I think she will live on? "I recently wrote to a cousin of mine that I feel the presence of my grandmother at many, many times. I feel a hand on my face, or a guiding presence on my shoulder. I almost always feel a warmth in my heart. I told my cousin that I can easily discount these feelings as the wind, or the sun, or other natural forces. But I do believe that my grandmother is standing beside me -- pointing, cajoling, guiding, scolding and loving me in every moment I live. I only wish I realized it more. "Phil, don't ignore the feel of a brush on your cheek, a hand on your shoulder, or a tug at your heart. May she be always at your side." Thank you, John. And I thank all of you.
"Why do memories become so prominent as we age? Because we have a much longer past than a future." - A thought from Margaret Peterson
++++++++++++(MARCH 1, 2002)++++++++++ * FIRESIGN: http://www.firesigntheatre.com * FIREZINE: http://www.firezine.net * FIRESIGN STUFF: http://www.lodestone-media.com * RARE RE-RELEASES: http:// www.laugh.com * FUNNY TIMES: http://www.funnytimes.com
PLANET PROCTOR (C) 2002 by Phil Proctor
Have a magic day and pass it on. Magic Mike http://funandmagic.com/ LOWEST Long Distance 24x7 with no fees or contracts. http://ld.net?/phon4less
Hi, Many of the photos at my site at from the Hubble Space Telescope. A shuttle mission just left to fix a problem with the solar panels. There is a photo of the launch at dawn at my site. I have also updated the Recipes and the Inspiration Pages. Aside from the jokes, The Planet Proctor, and occasional news stories, I will also add one of Shakespeare's Love Sonnets to the bottom of the letters. Today I will start with a most memorable sonnet, Number 29. I have also added a program that is a tip jar, if you want to leave a tip at my site. I am presenting a new sponsor, The Flavorware Oven, as seen on TV. I chose it because it cooks fast and healthy using no water or oil. I am so far behind in joke email, here is one that is a New Year's resolution list I found. Did you break any of these in the last few months?
"New Year's Resolutions for Internet Junkies"
1. I will try to figure out why I *really* need 9 e-mail addresses. 2. I will stop sending e-mail to my wife(husband). 3. I resolve to work with neglected children -- my own. 4. I will answer my snail mail with the same enthusiasm with which I answer my e-mail. 5. I will stop sending e-mail, ICQ, Instant Messages and be on the phone at the same time with the same person. 6. I resolve to back up my 12GB hard drive daily...well, once a week...okay, monthly then...or maybe... 7. I will spend less than one hour a day on the Internet. This, of course, will be hard to estimate since I'm not a clock watcher. 8. When I hear "Where do you want to go today?" I will not reply "MS Tech Support." 9. When I hear a funny joke I will not reply, "LOL... LOL!" 10. I will read the manual... just as soon as I can find it. 11. I will think of a password other than "password." 12. I will stop checking my e-mail at 3:00 in the morning... 4:30 is much more practical. 13. I resolve... I resolve to... I resolve to, uh... I resolve to, uh, get my, er... I resolve to, uh, get my, er, off-line work done, too!
=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=
At the airport for a trip, I settled down to wait for the boarding announcement at Gate 35.
Then I heard the voice on the public address system saying, "We apologize for the inconvenience, but Delta Flight 570 will board from Gate 41."
So my family picked up our luggage and carried it over to Gate 41. Not ten minutes later the public address voice told us that Flight 570 would in fact be boarding from Gate 35.
So again we gathered our carry-on luggage and returned to the original gate.
Just as we were settling down, the public address voice spoke again:
"Thank you for participating in Delta's physical fitness program."
-=--=-=-=-=-=-=-
A guy applies to the welfare office.
They ask why he needs financial assistance.
"I'm having trouble with my eyes," the man says. "I can't see myself getting any work."
-=---=---=-=
Did you know .........
It is impossible to lick your elbow.
A crocodile can't stick it's tongue out.
A shrimp's heart is in their head.
People say "Bless you" when you sneeze because when you sneeze, your heart stops for a millisecond.
In a study of 200,000 ostriches over a period of 80 years, no one reported a single case where an ostrich buried its head in the sand (or attempted to do so - apart from Bones ).
It is physically impossible for pigs to look up into the sky.
A pregnant goldfish is called a twit Between 1937 and 1945 Heinz produced a version of Alphabetic Spaghetti especially for the German market that consisted solely of little pasta swastikas.
In average, a human being will have sex more than 3,000 times and spend two weeks kissing in their lifetime.
More than 50% of the people in the world have never made or received a telephone call.
Rats and horses can't vomit.
The "sixth sick sheik's sixth sheep's sick" is said to be the toughest tongue twister in the English language.
If you sneeze too hard, you can fracture a rib. If you try to suppress a sneeze, you can rupture a blood vessel in your head or neck and die. if you keep your eyes open by force, they can pop out.
Rats multiply so quickly that in 18 months, two rats could have over million descendants.
Wearing headphones for just an hour will increase the bacteria in your ear by 700 times.
If the government has no knowledge of aliens, then why does Title 14, Section 1211 of the Code of Federal Regulations, implemented on July 16, 1969, make it illegal for U.S. citizens to have any contact with extraterrestrials or their vehicles?
In every episode of Seinfeld there is a Superman somewhere.
The cigarette lighter was invented before the match.
Thirty-five percent of the people who use personal ads for dating are already married.
A duck's quack doesn't echo, and no one knows why.
23% of all photocopier faults worldwide are caused by people sitting on them and photocopying their buttocks.
In the course of an average lifetime you will, while sleeping, eat 70 assorted insects and 10 spiders.
Most lipstick contains fish scales.
Cat's urine glows under a black-light.
Like fingerprints, everyone's tongue print is different.
Over 75% of people who read this will try to lick their elbow.
=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=
Shakespeare was born on April 23, 1564. He died on his birthday in 1616. He wrote his most intense drama between his 24th and 25th year. In that time he wrote A Midsummer Night's Dream, The Merchant of Venice, Richard II and Henry IV. Billy S. can be hard to understand. I find if you read him slow, and give the commas their proper pause, the Bard can be fathomed, not unlike a Spring day, when a cloud just clears. By the way, I highly recommend the new Hamlet with Mel Gibson. The person whose site I found about Shakespeare like this one best. I agree it's powerful and will also present this one first. In number 29, he finds in a life of strife, a memory of love can raise his spirits to the point he wouldn't trade places with someone else, even if it meant an easier life.
Sonnet XXIX When, in disgrace with fortune and men's eyes, I all alone beweep my outcast state And trouble deaf heaven with my bootless cries And look upon myself and curse my fate, Wishing me like to one more rich in hope, Featured like him, like him with friends possess'd, Desiring this man's art and that man's scope, With what I most enjoy contented least; Yet in these thoughts myself almost despising, Haply I think on thee, and then my state, Like to the lark at break of day arising From sullen earth, sings hymns at heaven's gate; For thy sweet love remember'd such wealth brings That then I scorn to change my state with kings.
Have a magic day, Magic Mike http://funandmagic.com/
Want to support my site and letters? http://funandmagic.com/leaveatip.html
Hi, Can you help in reducing this blanket of methane gas that is warming up our Earth? Recent evidence holds that methane (CH4) is second only to carbon dioxide (CO2) in creating a warming greenhouse effect but is easier to control. Atmospheric methane has doubled over the past 200 years, and its smothering potency is over 20 times that of CO2. See a photo of the Planet with Methane clouds shown, at my Photolinks Page. What does Hendrix say in his song? Is it... excuse me, while I kiss this guy"? The most misheard song lyrics are at this site, http://www.kissthisguy.com/ . Planet Proctor follows, along with a sonnet. Have a magic day and pass this on! Magic Mike http://funandmagic.com/
I was driving with my three young children one warm summer evening when a woman in the convertible ahead of us stood up and waved. She was stark naked! As I was reeling from the shock, I heard my five-year-old shout from the back seat, "Mom! That lady isn't wearing a seat belt!"
--=-=-=-=-=-=-=
When my daughter was three, we watched Snow White And The Seven Dwarfs for the first time. The wicked queen appeared, disguised as an old lady selling apples, and my daughter was spellbound. Then Snow White took a bite of the poisoned apple and fell to the ground unconscious. As the apple rolled away, my daughter spoke up. "See, Mom. She doesn't like the skin either."
-=-=-=-=-=-=-=
A little boy got lost at the YMCA and found himself in the women's locker room. When he was spotted, the room burst into shrieks, with ladies grabbing towels and running for cover. The little boy watched in amazement and then asked, "What's the matter --haven't you ever seen a little boy before?"
((((((((((((((((((((((((((( PLANET PROCTOR 2002-07 - http://www.planetproctor.com
"Our dreams are waiting for us to come true." David Walker, Science of Mind
HAPPY SAINT PET TRICK'S DAY Muldoon lived alone in the Irish countryside with only a pet dog for company. One day the dog died, and Muldoon went to the parish priest and asked, "Father, my dog is dead. Could ya be sayin' a mass for the poor creature?" Father Patrick replied, "I'm afraid not, we cannot have services for an animal in the church. But there is a new denomination down the lane and there's no tellin' what they believe. Maybe they'll do something for it." "I'll go right away Father." said, Muldoon. "Do ya think $5,000 is enough to donate for the service?" Father Patrick exclaimed, "Sweet Mary, Mother of Jesus! Why didn't ya tell me the dog was Catholic?"
"Al Qaeda announced that it was building a wheelchair ramp at the entrance of its cave and President Bush immediately denounced it as an "access of evil." - Jon Delfin
MORE GRANNY WINNERS! Paul Simon - "50 Ways to Lose Your Liver" Carly Simon - "You're So Varicose Vein" The Bee Gees - "How Can You Mend a Broken Hip" Roberta Flack - "The First Time Ever I Forgot Your Face" Johnny Nash - "I Can't See Clearly Now" Rick Dees - "Disco Deaf" The Temptations - "Papa Got a Kidney Stone" Nancy Sinatra - "These Boots Give me Arthritis" ABBA - "Denture Queen" Leo Sayer - "You Make Me Feel Like Napping" Commodores - "Once, Twice, Three Trips to the Bathroom" Vicki Lawrence - "The Night the Lights Went Out for Georgia" Grand Funk - "We're an Alzheimer's Band" Procol Harum: - "A Whiter Shade of Hair" (Thanks to Old Ron Smith) "The source of all humor is not laughter but sorrow. There is no laughter in Heaven." - Mark Twain
ALERT STREET PATRICK! Police warn all clubbers, partygoers and unsuspecting pub regulars to be alert and stay cautious when offered a drink from any woman. A new date rape drug on the market called "beer" is used by many females to target unsuspecting men. The drug is generally found in liquid form and is now available almost anywhere. "Beer" is used by female sexual predators at parties and bars to persuade their male victims to go home and have sex with them. Typically, a woman needs only to persuade a guy to consume a few units of "beer" and then simply ask him home for no-strings-attached sex. Men are rendered helpless against this approach. After several "beers" men will often succumb to desires to perform sexual acts on horrific looking women to whom they would never normally be attracted and awaken with only hazy memories of exactly what happened to them the night before, and a vague feeling that something bad occurred. At other times these unfortunate men are swindled out of their life's savings in a familiar scam known as "a relationship". Apparently, men are much more susceptible to this scam after "beer" is administered and sex is offered by the predatory female. **Please! Forward this to every male you know**
"I bet people would enjoy bowling more if they'd cut out the ball and pins part and increase the drinking part." - Mark Torrente BAN THE BANS According to Disney animation/V.O. artist, Merritt Andrews, who forwarded me the actual newspaper articles, the following persons were joined in absurdity by marriage recently: Butts-McCracken, MacDonald-Berger: Aikin-Johnson, Weener-Whipple, Pullen-Wood, Wacker-Dailey. Gowen-Getter! Fears-Johnson, Drinkwine-Layer, Busch-Graber. Peters-Rising, King-Woody, Filler-Quick, Fillinger-Goode, Kuntz-Dick! Dunnam-Favors, Wendt-Adaway... What, no Sigret-Smoken?
"Country music is three chords and the truth." - C&W songwriter Harlan "I Fall To Pieces" Howard
DO-IT-YOUSEFF Allah willing, you have just received a Taliban virus. Since we are not technologically advanced in Afghanistan, this is a MANUAL virus. Please delete all of the files on your hard drive yourself and send this e-mail to everyone you know. Thank you very much for helping me in my efforts to destroy decadent western civilization. Allah be praised -- Mullah Mujaffa, Taliban IT Manager
"I see some movies with my kids; and I think, 'You can have your money, just give me the time back.'" - Pixar's John Lassiter
SARTRE'S "NO AXIS" The ground war in Afghanistan heated up yesterday when the Allies revealed plans to airdrop a platoon of crack French existentialist philosophers into the country to destroy the morale of Taliban zealots by proving the non-existence of God. Elements from the feared Jean-Paul Sartre Brigade, or 'Black Berets', will be parachuted into the combat zones to spread doubt, despondency and existential anomie among the enemy. Hardened by numerous intellectual battles fought during their long occupation of Paris' Left Bank, their first action will be to establish a number of pavement Cafes at strategic points near the front lines. There they will drink coffee and talk animatedly about the absurd nature of life and man's lonely isolation in the universe. They will be accompanied by a number of heartbreakingly beautiful girlfriends who will further spread dismay by sticking their tongues in the philosophers' ears every five minutes and looking remote and unattainable to everyone else. However, humanitarian agencies have been quick to condemn the operation as inhumane, pointing out that the effects of passive smoking from the Frenchmen's' endless Gitanes could wreak a terrible toll on civilians in the area. Speculation was mounting last night that Britain may also contribute to the effort by dropping Professor Stephen Hawking into Afghanistan to propagate a non-deistic theory of the creation of the universe. Other tactics to demonstrate the non-existence of God will include the dropping of leaflets pointing out the fact that Michael Jackson has a new album out and Jesse Helms has not died yet. (Source denied)
"Peace, Tolerance, Love of Science and Sexual Freedom." - The Alien Philosophy of The Raelian Society
HEY, STELLA! In 1994, a New Mexico jury awarded $ 2.9 million in damages to 81-year-old Stella Liebeck who suffered third-degree burns by spilling a cup of McDonald's coffee on herself, inspiring the annual "Stella" award for the most frivolous lawsuit. Here are a few recent candidates submitted by Jim Reynolds: * Kathleen Robertson of Austin, Texas was awarded $780,000 after breaking her ankle tripping over a toddler who was running amuck inside a furniture store. It was her own son. *19-year-old Carl Truman of Los Angeles won $74,000 and medical expenses when his neighbor ran over his hand with a Honda Accord while he was stealing his hubcaps. *Terrence Dickson was escaping through the garage of a Bristol, Pennsylvania house he had just robbed while the family was on vacation, but due to a malfunctioning automatic door opener, was trapped as the door back into the house had also locked. He survived for over a week on a case of Pepsi and a large bag of dry dog food and then sued the homeowner for "undue mental anguish". The jury doled out half a million dollars. *Jerry Williams of Little Rock, Arkansas was awarded $14,500 and medical expenses after being bitten on the buttocks by his next-door neighbor's beagle. It was less than sought since the jury felt the pet may have been provoked when Williams shot at the chained animal with a pellet gun in the owner's fenced-in yard. *Kara Walton of Claymont, Delaware was awarded $12,000 and dental expenses from the owner of a nightclub when she fell from the bathroom window and knocked out her two front teeth trying to avoid the $3.50 cover charge. But -- the makers of Dorothy Johnson's microwave were found not liable for the death of her poodle after she attempted to dry it after a bath by putting it in for just a few minutes "on low."
"Human history becomes more and more a race between education and catastrophe." - H. G. Wells (whose grandson directed "The Time Machine")
S'MORE AMORE (This time blame fellow actor/V.O. artist Nick "Drink Me" Jameson )
When your phone's off the hook And at Penthouse you look That's a porn day When that gangsta doc's shaved From his head to his nave That's a shorn Dre
When a guy favors boys, Plays with little girls' toys, That's a born gay
When old congressman Hatch Goes and grabs him some snatch, That's a Orrin lay
When a guy ain't the boss And is pissed at the loss - That A. Gore, eh?
"Only members of the Executive Branch have been assigned [to Bush's bunker government]. Bush has already decided that, if nuclear war comes, he won't need Congress or the Supreme Court." - Tribune columnist Bill Press
MOM'S THE WORD My mother's service this week in Goshen was very moving thanks to the minister of the First Presbyterian Church, Alan Griffin. He's promised to send me the text of his memorial and I look forward to sharing it with you all next orbit. Thanks for your kind personal messages. For more on my trip, see http://goshennews.com Other, less important people also passed away recently, like Robert L. Chapman who according to the Los Angeles Times: "Regrettably, unfortunately, lamentably and mournfully ... is deceased, demised, departed and dead at 81. The son, boy and male offspring of a West Virginia typewriter mechanic, Chapman once drove trucks, then studied poetry and medieval literature before editing the timeworn, antiquated, irreplaceable Roget's International Thesaurus." Also, on the death of animation genius Chuck Jones, according to planeteer Dylan, a local newscaster closed his story by adlibbing, "I don't think he would mind me taking the opportunity to say, 'That's all folks.'" To which the witless co-anchor added mistily, "Yeah... and 'What's up, Doc?' Remember that?" Isn't that what Bugs said first time he had Viagra?
"Deep down I'm really very shallow" - Chuck Jones
BUT WHO'S COUNTING? Most Americans can count to ten in another language, but this site, lists numbers in over 4000 languages. http://www.zompist.com/numbers.shtml
++++++++++++(MARCH 17, 2002)++++++++++ * FIRESIGN: http://www.firesigntheatre.com * FIREZINE: http://www.firezine.net * FIRESIGN STUFF: http://www.lodestone-media.com * RARE RE-RELEASES: http:// www.laugh.com * FUNNY TIMES: http://www.funnytimes.com
PLANET PROCTOR (C) 2002 by Phil Proctor
-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=- Sonnet #1 - William Shakespeare
FROM fairest creatures we desire increase, That thereby beauty's rose might never die, But as the riper should by time decease, His tender heir might bear his memory: But thou, contracted to thine own bright eyes, Feed'st thy light'st flame with self-substantial fuel, Making a famine where abundance lies, Thyself thy foe, to thy sweet self too cruel. Thou that art now the world's fresh ornament And only herald to the gaudy spring, Within thine own bud buriest thy content And, tender churl, makest waste in niggarding. Pity the world, or else this glutton be, To eat the world's due, by the grave and thee.
Have a magic day and pass this on! Magic Mike http://funandmagic.com/
Hi, The wallpaper of the day is a close-up looking into the Volcano on Io, Jupiter's Moon. Galileo spacecraft took a peek. Take a look now, because NASA will crash the spacecraft into Jupiter in 2003. Milton Berle died yesterday. Rumor has it, he was born onstage and immediately stole his first joke. I'm joking. However it was true that he had one of the biggest lady ticklers in the world, and entertained many women in his career. I have updated the Magic Mike's Funny Photos, Wallpaper Photos, and Recipes so stop by. Here is a Planet Proctor for you. Have a magic day and pass this on. Magic Mike http://funandmagic.com/
REAL WOMEN VS. MARTHA STEWART
Martha's way #1: Stuff a miniature marshmallow in the bottom of a sugar cone to prevent ice cream drips.
The Real Women's Way: Just suck the ice cream out of the bottom of the cone. For Pete's sake, you are probably lying on the couch, with your feet up, eating it anyway.
Martha's way #2: To keep potatoes from budding, place an apple in the bag with the potatoes.
The Real Women's Way: Buy Hungry Jack mashed potato mix and keep it in the pantry for up to a year.
Martha's way #3: When a cake recipe calls for flouring the baking pan, use a bit of the dry cake mix instead and there won't be any white mess on the outside of the cake.
The Real Women's Way: Go to the bakery. They'll even decorate it for you.
Martha's way #4: If you accidentally over salt a dish while it's still cooking, drop in a peeled potato and it will absorb the excess salt for an instant "fix me up."
The Real Women's Way: If you over salt a dish while you are cooking, that's too damn bad. Please recite with me The Real Women's Motto: I made it and you will eat it and I don't care how bad it tastes.
Martha's way #5: Wrap celery in aluminum foil when putting in the refrigerator and it will keep for weeks.
The Real Women's Way: Celery? Never heard of the stuff.
Martha's way #6: Brush some beaten egg white over pie crust before baking to yield a beautiful glossy finish.
The Real Women's Way: The Mrs. Smith frozen pie directions do not include brushing egg whites over the crust so I just don't do it.
Martha's way #7: Cure for headaches: Take a lime, cut it in half and rub it on your forehead.
The throbbing will go away.
The Real Women's Way: Martha, dear, the only reason this works is because you can't rub a lime on your forehead without getting lime juice in your eye, and then the problem isn't the headache anymore, YOU'RE NOW BLIND!
Martha's way #9: If you have a problem opening jars: Try using latex dishwashing gloves. They give a non slip grip that makes opening jars easy.
The Real Women's Way: Go ask the good-looking neighborhood hunk to do it.
And finally the most important tip......
Martha's way #10: Don't throw out all that leftover wine. Freeze into ice cubes for future use in casseroles and sauces.
The Real Women's Way: Leftover wine??????
=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-
Here are some weird links for you. The Smoking Gun: Archive http://www.thesmokinggun.com/doc_o_day/terrorvisa1.shtml Learning about the Immigration and Naturalization Service's belated student visa approvals for two of the Sept. 11 hijackers is one thing. The Shadoe Knows that seeing the actual documents - courtesy of The Smoking Gun - is even more chilling.
BBC News | ARCHIVE | Anthrax attacks http://news.bbc.co.uk/hi/english/audiovideo/programmes/newsnight/archive/newsid_1873000/1873368.stm A BBC news investigation suggests the anthrax attacks that followed events of Sept. 11 might've been the work of a rogue CIA agent. Read the transcript to a very troubling edition of Newsnight.
http://cagle.slate.msn.com/mondo/alqaeda.swf http://cagle.slate.msn.com/mondo/alqaeda.swf Al Qaeda employee orientation film. Al Qaeda benefits include Shoe-Free Weekdays!
The Smoking Gun: Archive http://www.thesmokinggun.com/archive/lopezrider1.shtml Celebrities' dressing room requirements.
Dilbert.com - Games - Guess Whose Phone is Ringing? http://www.comics.com/comics/dilbert/games/phonegame/index.html You've played it at the mall. You've played it on the subway. Now you can play 'Guess whose cell phone is ringing' at the office with comic strip Everyman Dilbert and friends. (Shockwave required.)
Internet Archive: Movie Collection http://www.archive.org/movies/ Cold War-era 'duck-and-cover' lessons intermingle with classic V commercials and other oddities at this expansive Net movie archive. In all, nearly 1,000 movies are yours for the downloading in a variety of formats.
Nordlys http://www.northern-lights.no/ Few sites capture one of the world's mysteries as effectively as this study of the aurora borealis, the eerie northern lights that fill the skies in the northern hemisphere. Includes breathtaking images, video, and screensaver.
Taos Hum Page http://www.eskimo.com/%7Ebillb/hum/hum.html The closer the Web brings us together, the stranger our world seems. Residents of Taos, NM, claim they are plagued by a hum commonly likened to the idling of a diesel truck. Audio files allow you to share in the strangeness.
ANIMEtion http://www.animetion.com/ Fans of Anime, or Japanese animation, usually travel from convention to convention to play their own original animations for fans of the art form. ow ANIMEtion.com features original fan productions online.
Gagpipe BETA: Headline satire from around the world. http://www.gagpipe.com/ The web is chock full of terrific topical humor, but it's spread out over a zillion places... GAGPIPE assembles all the funniest satire headlines into one hilarious list and delivers it up free each morning. (You BET we watch!)
Super70s.com: US/World News http://www.super70s.com/Super70s/News/ Like TV signals wafting through space, the 1970s continue to lurk in the Internet. Super70s.com brings back all the hits: Nixon, Kent State, Charlie's Angels and the Pet Rock. Strangely, fashion has been left out of this roundup.
ACME Heart Maker http://www.acme.com/heartmaker/ It can only hold 8 characters, but you can make an important point before asking your Valentine to swallow it.
Lightsaber Effect Rotoscoping In A Premiere Filmstrip http://freeweb.pdq.net/smokin/rotoscope/ Bring lightsaber action to your digital movies.
Plumb Design Visual Thesaurus http://www.visualthesaurus.com Words interrelate in ways that boggle the organization skills of the best reference books. This VISUAL representation of a Thesaurus is a wonder to behold.
Welcome to Formovies.com http://www.formovies.com I don't really get this, but it's interesting: punch in a movie title and your zip code, and the video store locations which currently have that title in stock will spill onto your screen. (I suppose this would be useful for *rare* movies.)
The fbi files of celebrities, criminals, and the unknown - Secrets of the FBI http://www.the-fbi-files.com/index.html Take a look at Secrets Past, Secrets Present and Secrets Hinted-To-Be as these sharp-eyed researchers uncover documents through the Freedom of Information Act that would keep Mulder and Sculley busy for 9 more years.
Strange Cosmos - www.strangecosmos.com http://www.strangecosmos.com/jokes/pictures_category_view.asp?CategoryID=22 Our friends at StrangeCosmos have done it again! This goof-ridden collection of 230+ snapshots of celebrities caught embarrassed, whether they knew it at the time or not! I can highly recommend the ones called BOUNCING BRITNEY and JASMINE BLEETH STONED!
The Museum of Unworkable Devices http://www.lhup.edu/~dsimanek/museum/unwork.htm Works great on paper!
Creation's Hercules/Xena & Star Trek/Sci Fi Conventions http://www.creationent.com/calendar_frame.html Get your pointy ears out and get ready for the next convention. When is it? Find out here!
Find The Words http://fun-lists.com/play/?250.g.13 See if you can find all the words in a 16x16 matrix of letters (Shockwave required)
~~VIRTUAL OM~~DIGITAL*DREAM*LAND*FANTASTIC*WIRED*WILD*WONDER*BY* LARRY*CARLSON*COMPUTERIZED*MIND/WARP... http://www.virtualom.com/index2.htm Click around those little bubble buttons, but first make sure you're in a safe place.
Crime Library: crime stories on serial killers, the mafia, terrorists, spies, assassins and gangsters http://www.crimelibrary.com/ This site is one of the premiere sites on the Internet for satisfying one's forensic thirsts. Read all about mass murderers, serial killers, gangsters, outlaws, terrorists, assassins and spies. Pleasant dreams!
1000+ Free Electronic Postcards at Bansheeweb http://ecards1.bansheeweb.com/ Looking for a good postcard on the web? Look no further; you'll probably find what you need here.
The Mysterious and Unexplained http://www.activemind.com/Mysterious/ As if life weren't confusing enough ... now we're expected to read up on the truly unexplained.
Modern Moist Towelette Collecting http://members.aol.com/MoistTwl/index.htm For those of you with way too much time on your hands ... but very clean hands at that!
The Straitjacket Floats http://members.tripod.com/sjfloats/ For those of you who are nuts over the latest fashion.
Terrorism: Questions & Answers http://www.terrorismanswers.com/home/ The Council on Foreign Relations has long been considered by conspiratorialists as part of the Illuminati (the Evil Cabal which pulls the strings of world leaders). Now they've got a great cover -- Terrorism Q&A. This huge web site masks the group's true goal of a New World Order by detailing us to death with terrorism info. But it's good Terrorism info.
Bear http://www.nobodyhere.com/justme/bear.php3 This game originated in the Axis of Evil -- just move your mouse off the picture of Teddy, and then back on, and you'll automatically acquire a new tool of torture.
(((((((((((((((((((((( PLANET PROCTOR 2002-08 - http://www.planetproctor.com
"We're in the process of becoming something different than we used to be."- Hoosier Futurist Gregory Rawlings http://www.cs.indiana.edu/~rawlins/
A MOVING DAY At my mother's memorial in Goshen a few weeks ago, her minister Alan Griffin of the First Presbyterian Church observed: "One day at the age of eighty, John Quincy Adams met a friend while taking a walk on a Boston street. 'Good morning,' said the friend, 'And how is John Quincy Adams, today?' 'Thank you,' replied the ex-President. 'John Quincy Adams himself is well, quite well; but the house in which he lives at the present is becoming dilapidated; it's tottering upon its foundations, time and the seasons have nearly destroyed it. Its roof is pretty well worn out, its walls are much shattered; the old tenement is becoming almost unlivable and I think John Quincy Adams will have to move out of it soon. But, he himself, is well, quite well.' That is just what has happened to Audre. Her body -- the house she has lived in for 87 glorious years has finally worn out. But Audre, her love of people and family, her faith and character and joy still live on. Audre is well, quite well, for she is now at home with God." Donations in her memory can be made to the church at 215 East Lincoln Ave, Goshen, IN 46528-3347, to any of the fine charities for the blind and for research into a cure of macular degeneration which literally destroyed her career as a freelance typist-editor. One of the most fascinating facts I learned from my Aunt Bonnie was that mom and dad got together because they had both appeared in school productions of a play called "Smilin' Through" and met to compare experiences! For more about my mom's Amish-Irish ancestry, read "Rosanna of the Amish" available at www.mph.org
"Giver of life, lay down to rest, in peace forever within my breast." - From my voice-over pal, Danny Mann
O, SAMA, WHERE ART THOU? A spurious piece about the questioning of Oliver North at the Iran-Contra hearings is going e-round, so here are the real facts: "Did you not recently spend close to $60,000 for a home security system?" a senator asked. "Yes, I did, Sir," he replied. (It was actually $16,00.) "Isn't that just a little excessive?" "No, sir, " answered North. "No? And why not?" "Because the lives of my family and I were threatened, sir." "Threatened? By whom?" "By a terrorist, sir," Ollie answered. "Terrorist? What terrorist could possibly scare you that much?" "His name is Osama bin Laden, sir." (He actually cited Abu Nidal) "And what do you recommend we do about him?" "Well, sir, if it was up to me, I would recommend that an assassin team be formed to eliminate him and his men from the face of the earth." The senator, who is said to have disagreed -- was NOT Al Gore. And thank Allah, he wasn't even wearing a beard at the time.
"If a terrorist is simply trying to spread his religion, maybe we can just consider them 'Tali-bangelists'". - Paul Thielen
MR. POTATO HEAD MASHED A giant Mr. Potato Head given to an English town by its U.S. sister city had an arm torn off and his hat banged up in an attack by children, AP reported. Dressed as early English settler William Blackstone, Mr. Potato Head was sent to Belper last May as a goodwill ambassador from Belper's sister city of Pawtucket, R.I., headquarters for the toy's manufacturer, Hasbro Inc. Almost immediately, he became a source of controversy. "We've had a call from a tourism company in Rhode Island who want to take him on a tour of America,'' Whitworth told Belper Today. Well, I say -- send him to "Toy Story's" Pixar!
"The scandal in the Catholic church has exposed a weapon of Mass destruction." - Phil's Funny Facts
WAY BACK IN THE USSR Also according to the AP. Mikhail Gorbachev told a Columbia University audience on Monday that by the time he rose to power, with Soviet satellites in space, the ruling politicians "were discussing the problem of toothpaste, the problem of detergent, and they had to create a commission of the Politburo to make sure that women have pantyhose." Gorbachev said perestroika spun out of control after Boris Yeltsin took over in 1991. "It is chaos that Putin inherited. Chaos in the economy, chaos in the social sphere, chaos in the federation, chaos in the army, chaos everywhere. Today is our last hope. If it fails, we could see a very difficult situation in Russia," Gorbachev said. X-Rated President Richard Nixon's most recently released tapes reveal his support of the good old USSR because they didn't tolerate gays or pot use. He went on to say, "You know, it's a funny thing, every one of the bastards that are out for legalizing marijuana is Jewish. What the Christ is the matter with the Jews, Bob? What is the matter with them? I suppose it is because most of them are psychiatrists."
"We've tripled the amount of money--I believe it's from $50 million up to $195 million available." - President G.W.B., Lima, Peru, March 23, 2002
WHAT DID THAT MAN SAY? "Sir, you are an apogenous, bovaristic, coprolalial, dasypygal, excerebrose, facinorous, gnathonic, hircine, ithyphallic, jumentous, kyphotic, labrose, mephitic, napiform, oligophrenial, papuliferous, quisquilian, rebarbative, saponaceous, thersitical, unguinous, ventripotent, wlatsome, xylocephalous, yirning zoophyte." Translation: "Sir, you are an impotent, conceited, obscene, hairy-buttocked, brainless, wicked, toadying, goatish, indecent, stable-smelling, hunch-backed, thick-lipped, stinking, turnip-shaped, feeble-minded, pimply, trashy, repellent, smarmy, foul-mouthed, greasy, gluttonous, loathsome, wooden-headed, whining, extremely low form of animal life." (From Take A Break)
"Liberals feel unworthy of their possessions; Conservatives feel they deserve everything they've stolen." - Mort Sahl
SHOW ME YOUR PROFILE In 1979, the U.S. embassy in Iran was taken over by: (a) Norwegians from Ballard (b) Elvis (c) A tour bus full of 80-year-old women (d) Muslim male extremists mostly between the ages of 17 and 40. In 1983, the U.S. Marine barracks in Beirut was blown up by: (a) A pizza delivery boy (b) Crazed feminists complaining that being able to throw a grenade beyond its own burst radius was an unfair and sexist requirement in basic training (c) Geraldo Rivera making up for a slow news day (d) Muslim male extremists mostly between the ages of 17 and 40. In 1988, Pan Am Flight 103 was bombed by: (a) Luca Brazzi, for not being given a part in "Godfather 2" (b) The Tooth Fairy (c) Butch and Sundance who had a few sticks of dynamite left over (d) Muslim male extremists mostly between the ages of 17 and 40 In1998, the U.S. embassies in Kenya and Tanzania were bombed by: (a) Mr. Rogers (b) Hillary, to distract attention from Wild Bill's "female" problems (c)The WWF to promote its next villain, "Mustapha The Merciless" (d) Muslim male extremists mostly between the ages of 17 and 40 On 9-11, four airliners were hijacked and destroyed by: (a) Bugs Bunny, Wiley E. Coyote, Daffy Duck, and Elmer Fudd (b) The Supreme Court of Florida (c) Mr. Bean (d) Muslim male extremists mostly between the ages of 17 and 40. Hmmm, can we see a pattern? (Allen Starczyk from Marc Cashman)
"Birds are like cigarettes. Once you have one, you will have them for the rest of your life." - Afghan bird-seller Khodadost, LA Times
WHAAAAAT? A Denver Disc jockey named Jay Mack, attracted listeners with a large cast of improvised comedic characters. He died recently at the age of 64. According to an AP release: "Mack worked at KIMN-AM in its heyday in the 1960s, luring listeners with such make-believe characters as Niles Lischness, Farley McCloot and Betty Jo Bialoski." Everyone knew her as...Nancy.
"If you're a psychic, do you get nervous if someone from the other side calls you collect?" - Phil Proctor
NO MORE AMORE, BUT... Voice-over and "Rugrats" compadre Joe Alaskey writes that when he started work on the animated internet series "TimberWolf", Chuck Jones spoke of two of his favorite mentors, Mark Twain and Marc Chagall. "When a lull arose in the conversation, I, miserable punster that I am, dared to ask: 'So I guess you'd give them both high marks, huh?' to which he answered, without missing a beat: 'Yeah, and I guess they'd give me a Hi, Chuck!'"
"What do you call a person obsessed with trivia? An infomaniac." - Tony Nelson
KRISTIN RULES My darling, talented daughter, Kristin, will be seen on stage soon in the Acting Shakespeare Company's debut of Shakespeare's "Measure For Measure" directed at RADA last year by Nona Shepphard. Previews start on my daughter's birthday, April 16th and it runs -- for three weeks only -- until May 5th, at 45 Bleeker Downstairs at Lafayette, Tuesday through Friday at 8PM; Wednesday matinee April 23rd/31st - Sold Out); Saturday at 5PM & 9PM; Sunday, April 21st & May 5th at 6PM; Sunday April 28th at 3PM & 7PM. Tickets are $19, call TicketMaster at (212) 307-4100. For more info call (212) 253-9983 or visit http://www. actingshakespeare.org.
"I'm craving the warmth that the spotlight can't provide; that's the problem." - David Letterman
MOORE I CANNOT SAY We lost Dudley at 66, but his comic genius will live on; and it was most likely a relief to his spirit, suffering as he was of the degenerative disease progressive supranuclear palsy. In a career of over 30 years, Moore won Tony awards, a Grammy, two Golden Globes, and an Oscar nomination. I was happy to have known him personally in the 70s. "I understand that one person in 100,000 suffers from the disease," he said, "and I am also aware that there are 100,000 members [SAG], who are working every day...therefore, it is in some way considerate of me that I have taken on the disease for myself, thus protecting the remaining 99,999 members from this fate." But in a later interview for the BBC he admitted, "Yes, I feel angry, that's true, to be reduced to this insignifican't version of myself is overpowering." At least now he can be reunited with Peter Cooke. And maybe the late, great Milton Berle will show "Derrick and Clive" his famous schlong.
"In belated recognition of my current mental agility, The National Veggie Association has named me a Living Legume. I was informed of this by pea-mail!" - Writer Gary Belkin
SITES OF THE MOMENT: http://www.zoodoo.com/index.html (What it says) http://www.knplogic.co.uk/are_u_mad.html http://zapatopi.net/afdb.html (Aluminum Radio Hats!)
++++++++++++(MARCH 27, 2002)++++++++++ * FIRESIGN: http://www.firesigntheatre.com * FIREZINE: http://www.firezine.net * FIRESIGN STUFF: http://www.lodestone-media.com * RARE RE-RELEASES: http:// www.laugh.com * FUNNY TIMES: http://www.funnytimes.com
Have a magic day and pass this on. Magic Mike http://funandmagic.com/
Hi, I did some streamlining on my site. Tell me how it looks. Another Hollywood legend faded into the sunset with the death of Billy Wilder. Billy had an "itch" to scratch, he "liked it hot" when it came to fast-paced comedy, and his humor and timing was was like something out of a "fortune cookie". His famous quote was "Hindsight is always twenty-twenty." Many don't know this one, which is MY favorite, "You have to have a dream so you can get up in the morning." John Adams our 2nd President and Thomas Jefferson both died on the 4th of July in 1826. Adams was 90 years old and lived longer than any other president at his death. It is amazing how some life and death cycles are tied together, even though there is no reason to be. It is interesting that Shakespeare died on his birthday. I watched "Roughing It" movie with James Garner as Mark Twain. It is interesting to note that Mark Twain died on the arrival of Haley's Comet and was born on the previous arrival. If you never read the Complete Short Stories Of Mark Twain I urge you to get it from the library. Some of his work is available to read on-line. The links are on my Reading Page, just one of the 420 pages I have made for you to enjoy. http://funandmagic.com/reading.html By the way, I have added some great classic songs from the 50's and 60's on my WAV page. http://funandmagic.com/coolsoundswavs.html The tone of Sonnet #2 seems fitting. Goodbye, Billy, Miltie, and Dudley.
Sonnet #2
When forty winters shall beseige thy brow, And dig deep trenches in thy beauty's field, Thy youth's proud livery, so gazed on now, Will be a tatter'd weed, of small worth held: Then being ask'd where all thy beauty lies, Where all the treasure of thy lusty days, To say, within thine own deep-sunken eyes, Were an all-eating shame and thriftless praise. How much more praise deserved thy beauty's use, If thou couldst answer 'This fair child of mine Shall sum my count and make my old excuse,' Proving his beauty by succession thine! This were to be new made when thou art old, And see thy blood warm when thou feel'st it cold.
Have a magic day and pass this on. Magic Mike http://funandmagic.com/
Hi, WHATare Flocculent spirals? Sniff. Nope, Flocculent spirals -- galaxies without well defined spiral arms -- are a quite common form of galaxy. Here is a nice photo to enjoy. I find it a great wallpaper background. http://funandmagic.com/photolinks2.htm
Hey the news is ..... the News. I have added links to all the major news wires, TV News Networks, and Major Newspapers to my site. Stop by and choose your news. http://funandmagic.com/newsmedia.html
Have a magic day and pass this on! Magic Mike http://funandmagic.com/
Almost 150 yrs ago, President Lincoln found it necessary to hire a private investigator - Mr. Alan Pinkerton. The function that Pinkerton established actually was the beginning of the Secret Service. Since that time federal police authority has grown to a large number of three-letter agencies - FBI, CIA, INS, IRS, DEA. Now comes a proposal for another agency: The "Airport Security Service." Can't you see it now, the new service in their black outfits with their initials in large white letters across their backs?
(P.S. - Pinkerton died by tripping, while walking down the street, breaking his neck.) =-=-=---=-=
During a performance for the high school drama class at the local theater, a hole was cracked in the stage floor. Subsequent acts managed to avoid the damaged area until little Freddy, juggling bowling pins, accidentally stepped through the hole up to his knee. He apologized to the audience for his clumsiness. But a heckler in the back of the theater shouted: "Don't worry, Freddy! It's just a stage you're going through!"
-=-=-=-=--
Morris went to his lawyer Birnbaum and told him, "My neighbor owes me $500 and he doesn't want to pay up. What should I do?"
"Do you have any proof?" asked the lawyer.
"Nope," Morris replied.
"Okay, then write him a nasty letter asking him for the $1000 he owes you," said the lawyer Birnbaum.
"But it's only $500," Morris insisted.
"Precisely. That's what he will reply and we will then have the proof we need to nail him."
-=-=-=-=-=-=-
Boudreaux went into the fish market to apply for a job. The boss thought to himself - I'm not hiring that lazy Cajun, so he decided to set a test for Boudreaux hoping he wouldn't be able to answer the questions and he'd be able to refuse him the job without getting into an argument.
The first question was, "Without using numbers, represent the number 9."
Boudreaux says, "Dat's easy" and proceeds to draw three trees.
The boss says, "What in the world is that?"
Boudreaux says, "Tree 'n tree 'n tree makes nine."
"Fair enough" says the boss. "Second questions, same rules, but represent 99".
Boudreaux stares into space for a while, then makes a smudge on each tree.
"Der ya go sir," he says.
The boss scratches his head and asks, "How on earth do you get that to represent 99?"
Boudreaux answers, "Each tree is dirty now, so it's dirty tree 'n dirty tree 'n dirty tree - dat 99."
The boss is getting worried he's going to have to hire Boudreaux so he says, "All right, question number 3. Same rules again, but this time represent the number 100."
Boudreaux stares into space again, then he shouts, "I got it!" He makes a little mark at the base of each tree and says, "Der ya go sir - 100."
The boss looks at Boudreaux's attempt and thinks, "Ha! got him this time." He then tells Boudreaux, "Go on, Boudreaux, you must be crazy if you think that represents a 100."
Boudreaux leans forward and points to the little marks at the tree bases and says, "A little dog comes along and craps by each tree, so now ya got dirty tree an' a turd, dirty tree an' a turd, and dirty tree an' a turd, which makes 100. When do I start my job?"
Hi, While things look grim in the MidEast, we can look forward to a possible PHA in 2028. A PHA is a Potentially Hazardous Asteroid. We are not sure if it is coming within 30,000 miles or 600,000 miles. Get more infor at my Photolinks page for wallpaper ideas. http://funandmagic.com/photolinks2.htm If it doesn't give us The Big Chill in 2028, we can look forward to another PHA 830 years from now.
I see NO ONE wrote me and said, "HEY, where's that Shakespeare Sonnet you promised me?
Today was my mother's birthday so I dedicate this #3 to her.
III
Look in thy glass, and tell the face thou viewest Now is the time that face should form another; Whose fresh repair if now thou not renewest, Thou dost beguile the world, unbless some mother. For where is she so fair whose unear'd womb Disdains the tillage of thy husbandry? Or who is he so fond will be the tomb Of his self-love, to stop posterity? Thou art thy mother's glass, and she in thee Calls back the lovely April of her prime: So thou through windows of thine age shall see Despite of wrinkles this thy golden time. But if thou live, remember'd not to be, Die single, and thine image dies with thee.
I got this affirmation in the mail today.
Man's mind stretched to a new idea, never goes back to its original dimensions. Oliver Wendell Holmes Today's Affirmation My mind and imagination are open to new ideas.
Signs That You've Grown Up
Your car insurance goes down and your car payments go up.
You feed your dog Science Diet instead of McDonald's.
Sleeping on the couch makes your back hurt.
Dinner and a movie - The whole date instead of the beginning of one.
You go to the drugstore for Ibuprofen and antacids, not condoms and pregnancy test kits.
YOU KNOW YOU'RE A BIKER WHEN... - You ever bought saddlebags so you can carry more beer. - Your girl follows you to the party with the car so you can take more beer. - Your best friends are named after animals. - Your best shoes have steel toes. - You have motorcycle parts in the dishwasher. - Your idea of jewelry is chains and barbwire. - You can tell what kind of bugs they are by the taste of them. - You're only sunburned on the back of your hands. - You carry around a crushed beer can in the case of soft tar when you park the bike. - You pull your bike into the motel room and use a bath towel to wipe it off. - Your girl friend has to climb over the bike to do the laundry in the basement. - You carry a picture of your bike in your wallet. - Any day you ride is a good day. - Your other vehicle is a truck with motorcycle ramps in it. - You get hit by a Taxi in N.Y.C., slide 80 yards and ride the bike home 30 miles with a fractured hip. - You've been too drunk to Piss but not to drunk to ride your bike home. - Your three piece suit are Chaps, Leather Vests & a Leather Jacket. - You don't think its a good party till someone rides his or her bike in and does doughnuts in the living room. - You think Tequila is a Sex Aide. - You wake up next to your girl and your first thought is if your bike will start. - Your kids learn to ride on the back of your bike before they can walk. - Your garage has more square footage than your house. - Your coffee table collapses from the weight of motorcycle magazines on it. - You throw a party and more bikes show up than cars. - Your kids take a motorcycle chain to Show and Tell . - All your ashtrays are pistons from your last engine rebuild.
I'm just a little late getting off this Christmas joke.
Top Ten Signs Santa Doesn`t Like Your Kid 10. Kids` letter to north pole comes back stamped, "Dream on Chester!" 9. Kid asks for a new bike; gets pack of smokes. 8. Along with presents, Santa leaves hefty bill for shipping and handling. 7. By the time he gets to your house, all he has left is foam packing. 6. Christmas day, your kid wakes up with a reindeer head in his bed. 5. Instead of "Naughty" or "Nice", Santa has him on the dork list. 4. Sends him off on one of those Carnival Cruises with Kathie Lee. 3. First words when a kid gets on his lap are, "Touch my beard and I`ll put the hurt on you." 2. Labels on all your kids` toys read, "Straight from Craptown."
1. Four words, "Off my lap, Tubby!"
Dear Sir:
We have been informed that you hold shares in the following companies:
American Can Co Interstate Water Co. National Gas Co. Northern Tissue Co.
Due to the uncertain market conditions, at this present time, we advise you to sit tight on your American Can, hold your Water, and let go of your Gas. You may be interested to know that Northern Tissue touched a new bottom today, and millions were wiped clean.
Yours truly, Blood, Sweat & Tears, Inc.
Have a magic day, Magic Mike Feel like putting something in my tip jar? http://funandmagic.com/leaveatip.html
(((((((((((((((((((((((( PLANET PROCTOR 2002-09 - http://www.planetproctor.com
"Telling the truth is the funniest joke in the world."- George Bernard Shaw to Mark Twain
CAN WE HALT HALLE? http://www.borowitzreport.com reports that millions of Americans who watched the Oscarcast were moved by the spectacle of the glamorous Halle Berry sobbing convulsively through an acceptance speech that often seemed to tread the delicate line between emotionalism and a psychotic break. But few suspected that weeks later the acclaimed actress would still be bawling her head off, unable to perform the simplest chores without sobbing uncontrollably. "Just yesterday, she'd scaled back to sniffling and gulping for air, which I thought was a good sign," said one of Berry's friends. "But then I asked her to pass the remote, and she lost it all over again." Berry's crying jag is also a cause for concern among those who manage her career, since her seeming inability to compose herself may limit the variety of film roles available to her in the years ahead. "Right now we're looking at roles that would involve Halle mourning, being very disappointed, or having something real heavy fall on her foot," one of Berry's agents said. "But there's not a lot out there." As interminable as Berry's crying jag may seem, it is still not the longest in Oscar history. That distinction belongs to actor Tom Hanks, who cried for eleven weeks straight after being named Best Actor for "Forrest Gump" in 1995. I may add that a letter by Diane Smith in the LA Times Calendar section suggests that "What Halle Berry should have said in her acceptance speech is that she is thankful she lives in a town where a woman who is beautiful, famous and black can flee the scene of an accident, pay a minuscule fine, do a mere 20 hours of community service, feign amnesia about the whole thing and still win an Oscar." Well to her credit, she did say, " I want to thank my lawyers..." "I wish 'Lord Of The Rings' had won Best Picture. I've waited my whole life to hear somebody REALLY say, 'I'd like to thank all the little people who made this possible.'" - Sam Longoria
AND HE DIDN'T DROWN HIS KIDS According to a Reuters report, a Texas jury found Thomas Mitchell, 54, guilty of aggravated assault for shooting his girlfriend (who died from unrelated causes just before the trial) because he thought she was about to say --"New Jersey." Other words that triggered an uncontrollable rage included "Wisconsin," "Snickers" and "Mars"; and indeed throughout the three-day trial, he stopped his ears when he thought the words were forthcoming, causing witnesses to employ flashcards. In a statement Mitchell told police: "I had seen that word at my mom's house and then Barbara said what she said (and) I just snapped." Prosecutors contended that Mitchell was troubled but not crazy. Said one of the jurors, "Slowly I turned..."
"Depression is merely anger without enthusiasm." Steven Wright
QUAKER IN YOUR BOOTS! In a shocking series of surprise attacks, platoons of suicide commandos from a previously unknown group called The International Quaker Peace Offensive, have infiltrated Al Qaeda and Taliban positions throughout the Middle East and Afghanistan. Sowing death and destruction among battle-hardened Islamic terror cells, the black-hatted, buckle-booted warriors have detonated suspender-bombs inside fundamentalist strongholds, killing themselves along with hundreds, possibly thousands, of enemy fighters. Their dark beards and unfashionable, colorless clothing apparently made it easy for them to blend in among their targets unlike expensively trained Western special forces, who stick out like sore thumbs anywhere east of Weehawken, NJ or west of Santa Monica, CA. "Peace is fine, ja, ja, ja. But enough, already. Verily, it was time to act," said Yoder "Yoda" Lamm, commander of the ultra-militant John Woolman Brigade, a clandestine Quaker death squad. "God is love, but He also wreaketh His vengeance," he explained in his secret command silo somewhere between Ephrata and Reamstown, PA. What about the centuries-old Quaker commitment to non-violence; to turning the other cheek? Was that a ruse designed to lull the world into overlooking Quaker toughness? After all, these are rugged folk, accustomed to life unadorned by electricity, plumbing or e-mail; sinewy men able to raise a barn in one afternoon. "Ach, we are indeed a gentle folk. But that meaneth not that we are wusses. I guess we finally ran out of cheeks to turn." (C) 2002 by Dean Christopher
"For a century and a half now, America and Japan have formed one of the great and enduring alliances of modern times." GW Bush, Tokyo, Feb 18, 2002
LAUGHTER NO LONGER BEST MEDICINE Laughter, long thought to be the best medicine, has been surpassed in popularity by two widely used antidepressants, Prozac and Zoloft, according to a just-released market study paid for by the pharmaceuticals industry. But even as the pharmaceutical giants trumpeted news of their latest study, laughter's defenders rushed to challenge the report's credibility. "Any study that's paid for by the big drug companies is suspect, in my book," said Joey McSwain, proprietor of Joey's Gag-a-torium, a novelty store specializing in the sale of joy buzzers, whoopee cushions, and fake vomit. "And even if laughter's third best, so what?" said McSwain. "At least you don't have to forge a prescription to get it." (From "The Borowitz Report" -- listen Sunday mornings to NPR's "Weekend Edition".)
"I'm not in this business to fix you, because you're not broken." - Rev. David Walker, L.A. Church of Religious Science
WHEN CLOWNS GO BAD (Signs You Got the Wrong Magician-Clown for Your Kid's Birthday Party) ~ Wears a T-shirt that says, "Drug-free since March!" ~ Business cards include the phrase, "From the Mind of Stephen King." ~ Price list includes "lap dance" and "around the world." ~ Tells the kids he killed Barney in a blood match in Newark. ~ Props for his "disappearing" trick: a moving van and your wide-screen TV. ~ Prefaces each trick with, "Here's a little number I learned in the joint." ~ More interested in squirting seltzer into his Scotch than into his pants. ~ Only balloon animals he can make are a snake and a "snake on acid." ~ All the balloon animals are ribbed and lubricated. ~ Ran out of balloons, but twists your dachshund into other animal shapes. ~ By party's end, he's got every darn kid doing the "pull my finger" trick. ~ Those huge ears look too darn lifelike, and he ends the act showing charts and complaining about the national deficit. ~ Clown car must be started with a breathalyzer device. (Thanks DR JOHN)
"An international contingent of clowns is planning a trip to Afghanistan to teach the country's people how to laugh again." - Newsflash from ananova.com
BANG ON! Jack Blessing "blew me away" with this supposed NPR interview: FEMALE INTERVIEWER: So, General Reinwald, what things are you going to teach these young boys when they visit your base? GENERAL REINWALD: We're going to teach them climbing, canoeing, archery, and shooting. INTERVIEWER: Shooting! That's a bit irresponsible, isn't it? GENERAL: I don't see how. We'll be teaching them proper rifle discipline before they even touch a firearm. INTERVIEWER: But you're equipping them to become violent killers. GENERAL: Well, you're equipped to be a prostitute, but you're not one, are you? (The radio went suddenly dead.)
"I like to do flats, but I'm trapped by what people want - and they want heels! It all comes back to sex, even if it's just mental sex." - Designer Manolo Blahnik
ASS-ICONS (_!_) your ass (__!__) fat ass (!) tight ass (_*_) sore ass {_!_} a swishy ass (_x_) kiss my ass (_X_) leave my ass alone (_zzz_) tired ass (_^!^_) wise ass (_E=mc2_) smart ass (_?_) dumb Ass (_$_) money coming out of his ass "In literature as in love, we are astonished at what is chosen by others." - Andre Maurois
FINALLY! BIG BUCKS! (A forwarded "highly confidential" message from Robert Clotworthy on how to make some fast cash. Keep it under your turban..). Attn: dear: partner -- With emotion laden and sense of humour and depression I write you this mail. i got your contact through internet when I was searching for a trustworthy partner to assist me perform this confidential project. please i would only like to deal with you like my own parents for obvious reason based on the information i gatheered about you through internet. I am sankoh, ahmed the son of mr. Foday sankoh who has been an opposition leader in sierra leone as a result of some serious misunderstanding between my father and the present government of sierra leone. However, unluckily to the family, my father was arrested on the 17th of may 2000 by the loyal troops Oo president ahmed tijan kabah and was charged for warcrime accordingly. Howbeit, two weeks before his arrest, he received the sum of $30,000,000.00 (thirty Million usd) and some ammunition/weapons from the government of saudi arabia. Following the pandemonium state/civil war in the country, the family and some of the loyal troops of my Father were being sheltered in the secret strong bunker made by my father by the side of the largest river at the out-skirt of the lower part of the country where part of the money to the tone of $13,000,000.00 (usd) and most of the weapons and ammunition were secretly kept. Finally, i was able to bring the money in two trunk boxes along with my brother to a nearby country called cote d'ivoire through the help of a fisherman and was able also to deposit the content $ 13.000.000.00 with one of ivorian local called bank of frica. Please, now i need your assistance to transfer the money to your foreign bank account, as the organization of african unity (o.a.u) has given order to frozen the bank accounts of all coup plotters, rebels or their immediate family, threrefore all what you should do at the first place is to open two bank accounts and send me all the details of that accounts for an immediate transaction of this funds. Please as soon as you assist me perform this project the sum of $2.000.000.00 usd. will be offered to you for your assistance. Thanks very much for anticipated co-operation. Best regards, Sankoh ahmed. Tel:0022507635885 (Don't bother; I already got this covered! Just waiting for my check...)
"Debra Winger was the voice of E.T. and the sound of E.T. walking was made by someone squishing her hands in jelly." - Phil's Phunny Phacts
++++++++++++(APRIL 9, 2002)++++++++++ * FIRESIGN: http://www.firesigntheatre.com * FIREZINE: http://www.firezine.net * FIRESIGN STUFF: http://www.lodestone-media.com * RARE RE-RELEASES: http:// www.laugh.com * FUNNY TIMES: http://www.funnytimes.com
PLANET PROCTOR (C) 2002 by Phil Proctor
Sent: Friday, April 05, 2002 1:42 AM Subject: Asteroid Near Miss, Sonnet#3, Stock options
Hi, While things look grim in the MidEast, we can look forward to a possible PHA in 2028. A PHA is a Potentially Hazardous Asteroid. We are not sure if it is coming within 30,000 miles or 600,000 miles. Get more infor at my Photolinks page for wallpaper ideas. http://funandmagic.com/photolinks2.htm If it doesn't give us The Big Chill in 2028, we can look forward to another PHA 830 years from now.
I see NO ONE wrote me and said, "HEY, where's that Shakespeare Sonnet you promised me?
Today was my mother's birthday so I dedicate this #3 to her.
III
Look in thy glass, and tell the face thou viewest Now is the time that face should form another; Whose fresh repair if now thou not renewest, Thou dost beguile the world, unbless some mother. For where is she so fair whose unear'd womb Disdains the tillage of thy husbandry? Or who is he so fond will be the tomb Of his self-love, to stop posterity? Thou art thy mother's glass, and she in thee Calls back the lovely April of her prime So thou through windows of thine age shall see Despite of wrinkles this thy golden time. But if thou live, remember'd not to be, Die single, and thine image dies with thee.
I got this affirmation in the mail today.
Man's mind stretched to a new idea, never goes back to its original dimensions. Oliver Wendell Holmes Today's Affirmation My mind and imagination are open to new ideas.
Signs That You've Grown Up
Your car insurance goes down and your car payments go up.
You feed your dog Science Diet instead of McDonald's.
Sleeping on the couch makes your back hurt.
Dinner and a movie - The whole date instead of the beginning of one.
You go to the drugstore for Ibuprofen and antacids, not condoms and pregnancy test kits.
YOU KNOW YOU'RE A BIKER WHEN... - You ever bought saddlebags so you can carry more beer. - Your girl follows you to the party with the car so you can take more beer. - Your best friends are named after animals. - Your best shoes have steel toes. - You have motorcycle parts in the dishwasher. - Your idea of jewelry is chains and barbwire. - You can tell what kind of bugs they are by the taste of them. - You're only sunburned on the back of your hands. - You carry around a crushed beer can in the case of soft tar when you park the bike. - You pull your bike into the motel room and use a bath towel to wipe it off. - Your girl friend has to climb over the bike to do the laundry in the basement. - You carry a picture of your bike in your wallet. - Any day you ride is a good day. - Your other vehicle is a truck with motorcycle ramps in it. - You get hit by a Taxi in N.Y.C., slide 80 yards and ride the bike home 30 miles with a fractured hip. - You've been too drunk to Piss but not to drunk to ride your bike home. - Your three piece suit are Chaps, Leather Vests & a Leather Jacket. - You don't think its a good party till someone rides his or her bike in and does doughnuts in the living room. - You think Tequila is a Sex Aide. - You wake up next to your girl and your first thought is if your bike will start. - Your kids learn to ride on the back of your bike before they can walk. - Your garage has more square footage than your house. - Your coffee table collapses from the weight of motorcycle magazines on it. - You throw a party and more bikes show up than cars. - Your kids take a motorcycle chain to Show and Tell . - All your ashtrays are pistons from your last engine rebuild.
I'm just a little late getting off this Christmas joke.
Top Ten Signs Santa Doesn`t Like Your Kid
10. Kids` letter to north pole comes back stamped, "Dream on Chester!" 9. Kid asks for a new bike; gets pack of smokes. 8. Along with presents, Santa leaves hefty bill for shipping and handling. 7. By the time he gets to your house, all he has left is foam packing. 6. Christmas day, your kid wakes up with a reindeer head in his bed. 5. Instead of "Naughty" or "Nice", Santa has him on the dork list. 4. Sends him off on one of those Carnival Cruises with Kathie Lee. 3. First words when a kid gets on his lap are, "Touch my beard and I`ll put the hurt on you." 2. Labels on all your kids` toys read, "Straight from Craptown."
1. Four words, "Off my lap, Tubby!"
Dear Sir
We have been informed that you hold shares in the following companies
American Can Co Interstate Water Co. National Gas Co. Northern Tissue Co.
Due to the uncertain market conditions, at this present time, we advise you to sit tight on your American Can, hold your Water, and let go of your Gas. You may be interested to know that Northern Tissue touched a new bottom today, and millions were wiped clean.
Yours truly, Blood, Sweat & Tears, Inc.
Have a magic day, Magic Mike Feel like putting something in my tip jar? http://funandmagic.com/leaveatip.html
A Tribute to "Uncle Miltie"
Milton Berle earned his nickname -- "The Thief of Bad Gags" -- through such jokes as these, from his book Milton Berle's Private Joke File.
--Marriage is one of the few institutions that allow a man to do as his wife pleases.
--I'm so henpecked I cackle in my sleep!
--A worm has some things going for it. For instance -- it can't fall down!
--He lives on the wrong side of a one-track mind!
--Last month I put in a rock garden. Two of them were dead in the morning!
--They should never send up three astronauts in one capsule. Sooner or later they'll start arguing about who gets the seat by the window!
--The Army is trying to become more attractive to recruits. In the mess hall now they have strolling violin players.
--(A musician) played in Key West. It was the first time I knew what key he was in.
--My new parrot must have been raised in a tough neighborhood. He won't talk without an attorney!
--I just returned from my vacation. I'm still recovering from bus lag
Hi,
I just left Earthlink, at $21.95 or more a month for CogniSurf, which is $12.95 a month. I find it very fast and their dialer automatically sets up my mail. I now just have my magicm mail forwarded right into it, so you don't have to change my email address. If you would like to try it, they give trials at 42 cents a day. The sign up is at my site. http://ld.net/?phon4less . Now here is a secret. If you sign up as an affiliate first, then buy from yourself, you can get 6%-12% commission on all services, making it cheaper than that, maybe enough to be free! That said, about the 42 cents a day trial, here's a little Robert Frost. Have a magic day and pass it on. Magic Mike http://funandmagic.com/
Two roads diverged in a yellow wood, And sorry I could not travel both And be one traveler, long I stood And looked down one as far as I could To where it bent in the undergrowth;
Then took the other, as just as fair, And having perhaps the better claim, Because it was grassy and wanted wear; Though as for that the passing there Had worn them really about the same,
And both that morning equally lay In leaves no step had trodden black. Oh, I kept the first for another day! Yet knowing how way leads on to way, I doubted if I should ever come back.
I shall be telling this with a sigh Somewhere ages and ages hence: Two roads diverged in a wood, and I-- I took the one less traveled by, And that has made all the difference.
-Robert Frost
V.
Those hours, that with gentle work did frame The lovely gaze where every eye doth dwell, Will play the tyrants to the very same And that unfair which fairly doth excel: For never-resting time leads summer on To hideous winter and confounds him there; Sap cheque'd with frost and lusty leaves quite gone, Beauty o'ersnow'd and bareness every where: Then, were not summer's distillation left, A liquid prisoner pent in walls of glass, Beauty's effect with beauty were bereft, Nor it nor no remembrance what it was: But flowers distill'd though they with winter meet, Leese but their show; their substance still lives sweet.
Hi, Here's a Planet Proctor from Hollyweird.
((((((((((((((((((((((((((( PLANET PROCTOR 2002-10 - http://www.planetproctor.com
"Don't take life too seriously; you'll never get out of it alive." - Bugs Bunny
THAT'S SAT AGAIN? The following questions and answers were supposedly collated from SAT tests given to16-year-old students in Springdale, Arkansas. I frankly think these are brilliant answers and represent the kind of down-to-earth common sense that our nation needs! Q: Name the four seasons -- Salt, pepper, mustard and vinegar. Q: Explain a process by which water can be made safe to drink -- Flirtation makes water safe by removing large pollutants like grit, sand, dead sheep, and canoeists. Q: How is dew formed? -- The sun shines down on the leaves and makes them perspire. Q: What is a planet? -- A body of earth surrounded by sky. Q: What causes the tides in the oceans? -- The tides are a fight between the Earth and the Moon. All water tends to flow towards the moon, because there is no water on the moon, and nature abhors a vacuum. I forget where the sun joins in this fight. Q: What are steroids? - Things for keeping carpets still on the stairs. Q: What happens to your body as you age? -- When you get old, so do your bowels and you get intercontinental. Q: What happens to a boy when he reaches puberty? -- He says good-bye to his boyhood and looks forward to his adultery. Q: Name a major disease associated with cigarettes. -- Premature death. Q: How can you delay milk turning sour? -- Keep it in the cow. Q: How are the main parts of the body categorized? -- The body is consisted into three parts - the brainium, the borax and the abdominal cavity. The branium contains the brain, the borax contains the heart and lungs, and the abdominal cavity contains the five bowels: A, E, I, O, and U. Q: What is the Fibula? --A small lie. Q: What does "varicose" mean? -- Nearby. Q: What is the most common form of birth control? -- Most people prevent contraception by wearing a condominium. Q: Give the meaning of the term "Caesarian Section." -- A district in Rome. Q: What is a seizure? -- A Roman emperor. Q: What is a terminal illness? -- When you are sick at the airport Q: What does the word "benign" mean? -- What you will be after you be eight. Q: What is a turbine? -- Something an Arab wears on his head. "If Charles Dickens came [to Jenin], he would be paralyzed trying to describe the destruction and punishment."- Palestinian resident Ali Damage (sic)
THE WESTERN WAIL . . . A journalist assigned to the Jerusalem bureau had an apartment overlooking the Western Wall and every day she saw an old bearded Jewish man praying vigorously. So she went down to the Wall, intent on interviewing him. "I see you at the Wall every day, sir. How long have you been doing that and what are you praying for?" The old man replies, "I have come here to pray every day for 25 years. In the morning, I pray for world peace and for the brotherhood of man. I go home have a cup of tea, and I come back and pray for the eradication of illness and disease from the earth. And very, very important, I pray for peace and understanding between the Israelis and Palestinians." Deeply impressed, she asks, "How does it make you feel to come here every day for 25 years and pray for these wonderful things?" The old man replies, calmly, "Like I'm talking to a f**king wall."
"We don't want form and condemnation! We want the gun and the shell!" - Arab protesters in Jordon
HITS ME AGAIN, HARDER! (Excerpts from musical artist Don Henley's letter to "Hits" magazine after they apparently superimposed his face into post-Grammy party photos..). Dear Loathsome Trade Hacks -- I was terribly amused by your series of fantasy scenarios detailing my supposed crawl through all the post-Grammy "company store" parties. In truth, I opted for a quiet, candlelit dinner with my beautiful wife at a seaside restaurant. You see, I didn't want to attend any of those sumptuous bashes and be the guy who ordered that one extra glass of champagne that shifted the delicate balance and sent the industry careening over the edge into the abyss of total bankruptcy (although Sony's music group shows a profit of $203 million for this past fiscal year). In retrospect, though, I probably should have made the scene and kissed some record-company ass. Perhaps I could have gotten my own label deal. Maybe, while standing there admiring the ice sculpture filled with shrimp, I would have had an epiphany, seen the light and been converted: There is no God, there is no government, there are no individuals. There is only THE CORPORATION. The sovereign, almighty, world-governing Corporation-and we are all here to serve It. Having thus come to my senses, I, too, would then be able to sign fledgling artists to unconscionable, long-term contracts with all those juicy deduction clauses like the one for breakage that dates back to 1928, when the records were made of shellac and would shatter if dropped. Tried to break a CD lately? Why, you couldn't break one if you wedged it horizontally between Zach Horowitz's butt cheeks and told him that all his master copyrights were about to revert to the true owners, the artists. But never mind that now. Then I could stick those stupid artists with at least 50% of the independent-promotion costs, even though they had nothing to do with allowing that practice to become institutionalized. For an encore, I could whack 'em again with "free goods," packaging deductions, video costs, etc., etc., ad infinitum... In order to finally settle these escalating disputes between artists and the record companies with the dignity and class indicative of these times, I have come up with a plan. Hilary Rosen and I will engage in a bout of nude mud wrestling, which will be broadcast on that paragon of good taste, the Fox Network (if Fox doesn't want it, then we'll do it on The WB). If I win, she has to sleep with Zach Horowitz. If she wins, I have to purchase a lifetime subscription to HITS magazine and actually read it. Love and kisses, Don Henley PS: On the other hand, Don, you didn't get a goody bag, so you missed out on the leopard-skin bunny slippers and the deodorant hair spray! Ha-ha...
"And so, in my State of the - my State of the Union - or state - my speech to the nation, whatever you want to call it, speech to the nation - I asked Americans to give 4,000 years - 4,000 hours over the next - the rest of your life - of service to America." - G.W. in Time magazine's "Perspectives"
THE FOURTH ESTATE FOR RENT It pays to read the papers. Where else would you learn that Earth has more worms than humans? With only 6 billion souls, there are as many earthworms in about 175 square miles as there are people in the world. We learned after an expenditure of 7 years and $70 million that there was "no evidence of wrongdoing by the Clintons" in the Whitewater flap; "ropin', ridin', writin' and recordin'" cowboy singer-poet Wylie Gustafson, from the Washington town of Dusty (pop: 12), is suing "Yahoo" over the use of his yodel; a paralegal claims that a tape transcription quoted a plaintiff as seeing "an obscene jester" right before a crash, and in Delaware, local constabulary found a deceased man dead on his apartment floor with his 7 pets (Nile monitor lizards, one 6 feet long and 25 pounds), eating him. "They're alive and well,'' said SPCA director John Caldwell. Also in recent articles I learned that the largest ice shelf in Antartica has collapsed with "staggering" rapidity and 500,000,000,000,000,000 (quadrillion, if you're counting) tons disintegrated in under a month while the Alaskan Inuit people describe the recent warm weather there as "uggianaqtuq" or "Like an old friend acting strangely." In Finland, two 70-year-old twin brothers were killed by trucks while riding their bikes miles apart on different highways, and you can get a chili cheese dog and a bottle of Dom Perignon at Barbey's Beanery in West Hollywood for $125.99. I learned, too, that we were recently side-swiped by a massive comet, males in Afghanistan are more likely to turn gay - "It's just that we can't see the women to see if they're beautiful; but we can see the boys..." And finally, Fred Weibel, Jr. read that Patrick Penker was sentenced to nearly four years in prison and ordered to pay out almost $2 millionin cash and property after using the name of the fictitious "Three Stooges" law firm "Dewy, Cheetum and Howe" in a bunko scheme to rip off credit card companies and casinos. Aren't you glad someone does the reading for you?
"Carneys call a Ferris Wheel a chump hoist." - Phil's Phunny Phacts
WILD ABOUT WILDER I'm partial to calve's brains, in spite of the risk of Mad Cow disease - after all, how would I know I'd caught it? - so I hope now that Billy Wilder is no longer around to order it at his favorite Beverly Hills haunt, Kate Mantilini's, they won't remove it from the menu! In articles chronicling his feisty life I learned that he sold his first script in Berlin, by hiding a part-time prostitute's john in his room when her boyfriend abruptly appeared. Billy recognized the guy as a famous film producer and offered him one of his scripts just as the irate man in the adjoining room screamed that he'd kill anyone he found with his girl. Holding the heavy script in his hand, the producer said, "I'll buy it. It feels like a good story." Other Wilderisms: "France is an interesting country. The money falls apart and you can't tear the toilet paper." Wilder also wrote the line attributed to Robert Benchley: "You must get out of those wet clothes and into a dry martini," in "The Major and the Minor"(1942); and when asked about his cinematic style, he said, "None of that shooting from the fireplace. Who's point of view is that? Santa Claus?"
"I'd like to be remembered as the guy who was rather talented once upon a time." - Late Monty Python and Laugh-In writer Barry Took
ANOTHER WORLD My South Dakota pal, Brian Price, was flipping through last weeks "Farm and Fleet" s and found a few things "that you guys in Lala Land probably don't have, but from the sound of these things you're gonna want. So, let me know which of the following items you'd like me to pick up for you." 15-GALLON INDUCTION TANK $99.00 ELECTRICALLY OPERATED DIRECT VALVE $64.77 DISCHARGE HOSE (per inch) $0.59 SINGLE UNION BALL VALVE $14.99 ESTATE SPRAYER (trailer hitch sold separately) $199.00
"After a hard day of looting and pillaging, there's no greater city than Gommorah...unless it's Sodom." - Line from "The Scorpion King"
MUM'S THE WORD? When Elizabeth, Queen Mother of England died at 101, Pico Iyer of Time Magazine noted that "at the end, she made royalty seem human and humanity downright regal." Some of the other comments gleaned from thousands of messages left by the common folk on "The Queen Mum's Board of Remembrance" may not be quite as eloquent, but they certainly offer some insight into the eccentric English character. For example, L. J. Worthington in Penrith wrote, "She was a marvelous woman, and a wonderful lover." While D. Holmes from Somerset adds, "I thought she would never die, she has let us all down very badly" "Perhaps if we automated her old golf buggy," suggests Y. Howell of Slough, "it could still drive around The Mall on its own and bring pleasure to the tourists." "She was one of us," sums up Harlow's L. Weller, "And by that I don't mean she perpetrated insurance fraud or lied about expense claims. She was like us in a good way. God bless you ma'am". - But the most heartfelt tribute, I think, came from J. Clement of Grantham who rightly points out, "She was one of the old school; all the remaining royals are shits."
"Death is just a comma in the book of life." - Late occult author Jess Stearn
++++++++++++(APRIL 21, 2002)++++++++++ * FIRESIGN: http://www.firesigntheatre.com * FIREZINE: http://www.firezine.net * FIRESIGN STUFF: http://www.lodestone-media.com * HOT RE-RELEASES: http:// www.laugh.com * FUNNY TIMES: http://www.funnytimes.com
PLANET PROCTOR (C) 2002 by Phil Proctor
Hi, Here's something to really ponder.
Before you dismiss the author Ruppert as some crackpot, go to his website and read his bio.
Briefing Paper
The Case for Bush Administration Advance Knowledge of 9-11 Attacks
by Michael C. Ruppert
© COPYRIGHT 2002, Michael C. Ruppert and FTW Publications, www.copvcia.com all rights reserved. May be reprinted , distributed or posted on web sites for non-profit purposes only.]
April 22, 2002, 1200 PDT (FTW) -- A dispassionate examination of existing reliable, open-source evidence on advance warnings of the Sept. 11 attacks providess strong and sustainable grounds to conclude the Bush Administration was in possession of sufficient advance intelligence to have prevented the attacks, had it wished to do so. With a known intelligence budget of approximately $30 billion, it must be assumed there are classified files that only add to the weight of the available data presented here. Is it reasonable to assume that what is presented here is the only intelligence the U.S. possessed?
This article will focus on four primary areas where the U.S. had information that forewarned of the attacks in sufficient detail to have prompted their prevention. Those areas are: Documented warnings received by the United States Government (USG) from foreign intelligence services; Obvious and large scale insider stock trading in the days before the attacks; Known intelligence successes achieved by the USG in its penetrations of Al Qaeda; and, the case of Delmart "Mike" Vreeland, a U.S. Naval intelligence officer jailed in Canada at the request of U.S. authorities, who -- with his attorneys -- spent months attempting to warn USG and Canadian intelligence officials of the pending attacks, only to be rebuffed and ignored.
This article will not focus on a number of well-known and documented instances where the Bush Administration actively interfered with or curtailed investigations into Al Qaeda-linked groups that could have provided even more intelligence. Included in this category are reports by the BBC's Gregg Palast, the French book "The Forbidden Truth," and a lawsuit/OPR complaint filed by an active FBI agent alleging investigations that could have prevented the attacks were derailed by superiors, in some cases on orders from the White House.
WARNINGS FROM FOREIGN INTELLIGENCE SERVICES
This section focuses on known advance warnings received by the U.S. government from foreign intelligence services that proved to be specific enough to have identified the date (within one week), method, targets, and perpetrators of the attacks. It will not include warnings issued to the USG that could be considered vague or non-specific. The latter includes documented warnings sent by the governments of Egypt and Israel. However, in light of the specific warnings, these additional warnings add greater weight to the argument that the Administration was in possession of sufficient information to have prevented the attacks.
As reported in the respected German daily Frankfurter Algemeine Zeitung (FAZ) on Sept. 14, 2001 the German intelligence service, the BND, warned both the CIA and Israel that Middle Eastern terrorists were "planning to hijack commercial aircraft to use as weapons to attack important symbols of American and Israeli culture." The story specifically referred to an electronic eavesdropping system known as Echelon, wherein a number of countries tap cell phone and electronic communications in partner countries and then pool the information. The BND warnings were also passed to the United Kingdom.
No known denial by the BND of the accuracy of this story exists, and the FAZ story indicates that the information was received directly from BND sources.
According to a Sept. 14 report in the Internet newswire online.de, German police, monitoring the phone calls of a jailed Iranian man, learned the man was telephoning USG intelligence agencies in summer 2001 to warn of an imminent attack on the World Trade Center (WTC) in the week of Sept. 9. German officials confirmed the calls to the USG for the story but refused to discuss additional details.
In August 2000 French intelligence sources confirmed a man recently arrested in Boston by the FBI was an Islamic militant and a key member of Osama bin Laden's Al Qaeda network. The FBI knew the man had been taking flying lessons at the time of his arrest and was in possession of technical information on Boeing aircraft and flight manuals, as reported by Reuters on Sept. 13.
According to a story in Izveztia on Sept. 12, Russian intelligence warned the USG that as many as 25 suicide pilots were training for missions involving the crashing of airliners into important targets.
In an MSNBC interview on Sept. 15, Russian President Vladimir Putin stated that he had ordered Russian intelligence to warn the USG "in the strongest possible terms" of imminent assaults on airports and government buildings before the attacks on Sept. 11.
As reported by CNN's Daniel Seberg on Sept. 28, Newsbytes' Brian McWilliams on Sept. 27 and the Israeli newspaper Ha'aretz, Odigo, the Israeli instant messaging company located in Herzliyya, Israel, received telephone calls stating that attacks on the WTC were imminent. The calls came less than two hours before the first plane hit the WTC. This information was immediately forwarded to Israeli and U.S. intelligence.
Conclusion: From just these six press stories, then, the USG had received credible advance warnings, some from heads of state, that commercial aircraft would be hijacked by as many as 25 suicide pilots at airports, with Boston a strong candidate, during the week of Sept. 9. The call to Odigo would have signaled the exact day.
No known preventive measures were taken.
INSIDER TRADING
The documented pre-Sept. 11 insider trading that occurred before the attacks involved only companies hit hard by the attacks. They include United Airlines, American Airlines, Morgan Stanley, Merrill-Lynch, Axa Reinsurance, Marsh & McLennan, Munich Reinsurance, Swiss Reinsurance, and Citigroup.
In order to argue that the massive and well-documented insider trading that occurred in at least seven countries immediately before the attacks of Sept. 11 did not serve as a warning to intelligence agencies, then it is necessary to argue that no one was aware of the trades as they were occurring, and that intelligence and law enforcement agencies of most industrialized nations do not monitor stock trades in real time to warn of impending attacks. Both assertions are false. Both assertions would also ignore the fact that the current executive vice president of the New York Stock Exchange (NYSE) for enforcement is David Doherty, a retired CIA general counsel. And also ignored is the fact that the trading in United Airlines stock -- one of the most glaring clues -- was placed through the firm Deutschebank/Alex Brown, which was headed until 1998 by the maan who is now the executive director of the CIA, A.B. "Buzzy" Krongard.
One wonders if it was a coincidence then, that Mayo Shattuck III, the head of the Alex Brown unit of Deutschebank -- which had its offices in the WTC -- suddenly resigned from a $30 million, three-year contract on Sept. 12, as reported by tthe New York Times and other papers.
The American exchanges that handle these trades, primarily the Chicago Board of Options Exchange (CBOE) and the NYSE, know on a daily basis what levels of put options are purchased. "Put options" are highly leveraged bets, tying up blocks of stock, that a given stock's share price will fall dramatically. To quote 60 Minutes from Sept. 19, "Sources tell CBS News that the afternoon before the attack, alarm bells were sounding over unusual trading in the U.S. stock options market."
It is hard to believe that they missed:
- A jump in UAL put options 90 times (not 90 percent) above normal between Sept. 6 and Sept.10, and 285 times higher than average on the Thursday before the attack- [CBS News, Sept. 26] - A jump in American Airlines put options 60 times (not 60 percent) above normal on the day before the attacks. [CBS News, Sept. 26] - No similar trading occurred on any other airlines. [Bloomberg Business Report, the Institute for Counterterrorism (ICT), Herzliyya, Israel citing data from the CBOE] - Morgan Stanley saw, between Sept. 7 and Sept.10, an increase of 27 times (not 27 percent) in the purchase of put options on its shares. [ICT Report, Mechanics of Possible Bin-Laden Insider Trading Scam, Sept. 21, citing data from the CBOE]. - Merrill-Lynch saw a jump of more than 12 times the normal level of put options in the four trading days before the attacks. [Ibid] These trades were certainly noticed after the attacks.
"This could very well be insider trading at the worst, most horrific, most evil use you've ever seen in your entire life.This would be one of the most extraordinary coincidences in the history of mankind if it was a coincidence," said Dylan Ratigan of Bloomberg Business News, interviewed on Good Morning Texas on Sept. 20.
"'I saw put-call numbers higher than I've ever seen in 10 years of following the markets, particularly the options markets,' said John Kinnucan, principal of Broadband Research, as quoted in the San Francisco Chronicle," reported the Montreal Gazette on Sept. 19. The paper also wrote, "Agence France Presse, on Sept. 22, reported, 'And Germany's Bundesbank chief, Ernst Weltke, said on the sidelines of the meeting that a report of the investigation showed "bizarre" fiscal transactions prior to the attacks that could not have been chalked up to coincidence.
"Weltke said the transactions, 'could not have been planned and carried out without a certain knowledge,' particularly heavy trading in oil and gold futures."
ABC World News reported on Sept. 20, "Jonathan Winer, an ABC News consultant said, 'it's absolutely unprecedented to see cases of insider trading covering the entire world from Japan, to the U.S., to North America, to Europe."
How much money was involved? Andreas von Bulow, a former member of the German Parliament responsible for oversight of Germany's intelligence services estimated the worldwide amount at $15 billion, according to Tagesspiegel on Jan. 13. Other experts have estimated the amount at $12 billion. CBS News gave a conservative estimate of $100 million.
Not a single U.S. or foreign investigative agency has announced any arrests or developments in the investigation of these trades, the most telling evidence of foreknowledge of the attacks. This, in spite of the fact that former Security and Exchange Commission enforcement chief William McLucas told Bloomberg News that regulators would "certainly be able to track down every trade."
What is striking is that a National Public Radio report on Oct. 16 reported Britain's Financial Services Authority had cleared bin Laden and his henchmen of insider trading. If not bin Laden, then who else had advance knowledge? Who else had certainty that the attacks would succeed to give them confidence to make millions of dollars in stock purchases?
It has been standard and established USG policy to be alert and responsive to anything even remotely resembling an attack on U.S. companies and/or the economy. The word "remote" does not apply here. The possible claim by the Bush Administration that, 'Gee, we just happened to miss this,' becomes even more implausible when considering the lengths intelligence agencies go to in order to track stock trades.
Note that the Israeli Institute for Counter-Terrorism was the first entity to release a detailed report on the insider trading. That alone is prima facie evidence of a direct relationship between the financial markets and terrorist investigations.
CIA and the Markets
We can thank Fox News on Oct. 16 for breaking post 9-11 stories disclosing the use of sophisticated PROMIS software by the FBI and the Justice Department. A multitude of court records and investigative reports have established not only the reality, but the versatility of a program initially designed to incorporate data from a variety of data bases in different languages into one readable format. PROMIS has since been refined to include artificial intelligence and "back doors" inserted by intelligence agencies to allow for surreptitious retrieval and/or removal and alteration of data.
The Fox stories clearly confirmed, especially when added to stories from last summer by the Washington Times which were based on interviews with Justice Department officials, that PROMIS was used to monitor banking and financial transactions in a virtual real-time environment.
This writer has written extensively on the software. More information can be found on the Web site at http://www.fromthewilderness.com/free/ ww3/index.html.
However, one point is critical to this report. In the Autumn of 2000 I was visited in Los Angeles by two members of the Royal Canadian Mounted Police (RCMP) national security staff. They were conducting a major investigation inside the U.S. to determine whether or not the RCMP's version of the software had been compromised. During discussions with the Mounties, I confirmed several times that the software was used to monitor stock trades in real time. A subsequent investigation led me to contact several people in Canada who had been interviewed in the same investigation. They were stockbrokers.
In a taped panel discussion, which aired March 14 on Canada's Vision-TV, I faced a panel of three Canadian experts on the issue of U.S. foreknowledge of, and possible complicity in, the 9-11 attacks. Among them was Ron Atkey, former Canadian Solicitor-General and the former parliamentary head of the committee charged with oversight of Canada's military and intelligence operations. Over the course of the program I made specific statements, relying not only on the RCMP interactions but also on previous investigations, in which it was documented that intelligence services track stock trades in real time. On camera, I produced the business cards of the two RCMP agents. Atkey, who had not hesitated to challenge me on other points during the show, went silent.
INTELLIGENCE SUCCESSES
Four basic intelligence successes need to be acknowledged here. These admitted successes, while not addressing any other still secret penetrations of the Al Qaeda network, further diminish any Bush Administration assertion that it did not know of the attacks.
On Feb. 13 United Press International terrorism correspondent Richard Sale, while covering a Manhattan trial of one of Osama bin Laden's followers, reported that the National Security Agency had broken bin Laden's encrypted communications. Even if that prompted an immediate change in bin Laden's methods of communication, just six months before the attacks, the administration has consistently maintained -- and military and covert experience dictates -- that the attacks were planned for at least several years.
The FAZ story indicates that the secret eavesdropping program Echelon had been successful in securing details of the pending attacks. Echelon employs highly sophisticated computer programs capable of both voice and word recognition to filter billions of telephone conversations and locate specific targets. Assuming, as some sources indicate, Al Qaeda stopped using encrypted communications after it was known that their system was compromised, why was the NSA not able to pick up any cell phone calls or e-mails? Mohammed Atta and other alleged hijackers were known to have used cell phones. The FAZ story establishes that as late as June, Al Qaeda operatives were being tracked in this manner.
In the trial of a former Deutschebank executive Kevin Ingram, who pled guilty to laundering drug money to finance terrorist operations linked to Al Qaeda just two weeks before the 9-11 attacks, indications surfaced that the Justice Department had penetrated the terrorists' financial networks. A Nov. 16 Associated Press story by Catherine Wilson stated, "Numerous promised wire transfers never arrived, but there were discussions of foreign bankers taking payoffs to move the money to purchase weapons into the United States, said prosecutor Rolando Garcia."
Two questions are begged but unanswered. How were the wire transfers blocked and how was the Justice Department able to monitor the money flows without alerting either the bankers or the suspects?
Finally, as reported by the German paper Die Welt on Dec. 6 and by Agence France Presse on Dec. 7, Western intelligence services, including the CIA, learned after arrests in the Philippines, that Al Qaeda operatives had planned to crash commercial airliners into the WTC. Details of the plan, as reported by a number of American press outlets, were found on a computer seized during the arrests. The plan was called "operation Bojinka."
Details of the plot were disclosed publicly in 1997 in the New York trial of Ramsi Youssef for his involvement in the 1993 WTC bombing.
DELMART "MIKE" VREELAND
"I believe that, from the information I have seen, Mike Vreeland tried to pass information to the Canadian government that should have been passed to the U.S. government. That information had to do with the attacks of Sept. 11. Whatever other attempts were made by Vreeland and his attorneys to alert U.S. and Canadian officials of the attacks, it is clear that he did pass information about the pending attacks to his guards in August. I am willing to go to the Secretary of the Navy to determine whether or not he was actually a Navy officer.
"I know that there have been other U.S. citizens with a similar background used on missions similar to what has been alleged by Vreeland. This man fits a pattern. I would like for the Secret Service to put him on a polygraph." -- Mike Osborne, a veteran former CIA case officer with 26 years of experience in counter-terrorism.
With a court record now estimated to approach 10,000 pages, the case of Delmart "Mike" Vreeland is starting to attract worldwide attention. Vreeland, with a growing amount of evidence admitted into court record in Toronto, Canada, claims to be a former U.S. Naval lieutenant assigned to the Office of Naval Intelligence. He was jailed in Canada -- at the request of U.S. authorities -- in December 2000 after returning from Moscow.
Although Canadian authorities initially alleged vague fraud charges against him and also held him on an extradition warrant alleging credit card fraud in Michigan, the actual motive for his arrest now seems to be something quite different. All Canadian charges against Vreeland were dropped this March and he has been granted political refugee status in Canada until the extradition issues are resolved.
Vreeland's position is that he returned from Russia to meet with a Canadian and a Russian intelligence operative, and had intended to hand over a sealed pouch containing intelligence documents. When the handoff was compromised and the Canadian did not show for the Toronto meet, Vreeland opened the pouch and looked at some of the documents. Those documents, which he later had translated, gave specific warnings of the pending WTC attacks that were to take place nine months later. Again, on its face, since these documents were in a sealed intelligence pouch, this indicates that intelligence operatives were aware of the contents because they had placed them there originally.
According to both Vreeland and his lawyers, as reported in numerous interviews with this writer and other members of the FTW staff, immediately after his arrest Vreeland began making urgent attempts to alert both Canadian and U.S. intelligence officials of the coming danger.
After eight months of unsuccessful attempts to have either Canadian or U.S. intelligence services debrief him, Vreeland wrote a desperate, last-ditch warning in August. Through means he will not disclose, he acquired two high-tech Pilot water-based pens with light blue ink and used them to write the letter. The only pens permitted by Canadian jail authorities were oil-based, dark blue Bic pens.
Immediately after writing the letter, Vreeland notified his jailers that he had pens which might be considered contraband. A Sept. 17 letter from the Ministry of Correctional Services was entered as Exhibit "M" into court records on Oct. 7, along with Vreeland's warning letter which had been opened on Sept. 14 and entered as Exhibit "N." The letter states, "On August 13, 2001 inmate Vreeland's corridor #2 was searched and as far as we know 2 blue ink pens were removed from his cell because they were considered contraband. There is no written record of them being placed in his personal property. He did submit a request to have them returned to him on August 14, 2001, but was denied."
Since the ink on the warning letter, if tested, will match the ink in the confiscated pens, there can be no doubt that the letter was written a month before the attacks.
In an interview with this writer published on April 4, Vreeland clearly stated his belief that Al Qaeda operations had been completely penetrated by U.S. intelligence services. That belief is supported by a statement in his warning letter.
The statement, following a list of potential targets that included the WTC, the Pentagon and the White House said, "Let one happen, stop the rest." Such a statement could only imply complete penetration or compromise of the terrorist cells perpetrating the attacks.
Compelling evidence continues to grow that Vreeland was, in fact, a U.S. Navy officer. On Jan. 10 from open court with a court reporter recording the conversation, his attorneys placed a speaker-phone call to the Pentagon. A Pentagon operator, after checking a back-up military database, confirmed Vreeland was a U.S. Navy officer and provided an office listing and a telephone number for his office. The primary database had been disabled, according to Vreeland, on 9-11. In addition, redacted and incomplete military records provided by the Pentagon to the Canadian courts indicate Vreeland had a service record of more than 1,200 pages.
This is difficult to reconcile with the U.S. Navy's assertion that Vreeland was discharged as a Seaman Recruit after four months of unsatisfactory service in 1986.
No press entity has covered the Vreeland case more than FTW. This writer has traveled twice to Toronto, sat in on court proceedings, and retained the services of a Canadian correspondent to cover the case. I have interviewed Vreeland personally and conducted numerous interviews with his attorneys. Greta Knutzen, FTW's Canadian correspondent, has also interviewed Vreeland and his attorneys, as well as Vreeland's mother. Knutzen has attended every court proceeding since January, 2002. All of our previous reporting on the case can be located on the Internet at www.copvcia.com.
Mike Vreeland believes that if he is successfully extradited to the U.S., he will be assassinated. Previous press stories concerning Vreeland's criminal past and a criminal arrest record fail to account for the fact that, as an undercover operative who targeted organized crime and terrorist organizations, a criminal record would have been necessary to give him credibility with organizations that have previously demonstrated capabilities to retrieve law enforcement records. They also fail to account for an Oct. 2, 1986 Los Angeles Times story that lists Vreeland as a non-criminal witness to a major cocaine bust carried out by LAPD investigators known to have contacts with USG intelligence services.
There is much about Vreeland's past that is objectionable, questionable, or both. But even in a worst-case scenario, nothing in his past explains how he was able to write a detailed warning of the attacks before they occurred, and why the intelligence services of both Canada and the U.S. ignored attempts to warn them while both Vreeland and his attorneys were banging down their doors.
CONCLUSION
There is clear and substantial evidence to suggest that the Bush Administration had sufficient foreknowledge of the attacks of Sept. 11 to have prevented them. Rather than viewing each of the four listed areas as a separate piece of evidence, they should be considered as a body, in the exact same way exhibits presented to a jury in a criminal trial are viewed as a body. By viewing the evidence in this manner, an unavoidable conclusion is reached -- the USG knew 25 suicide hijackers during the week of Sept. 9 were going to use United and American airlines commercial plannes, some of them likely originating in Boston, to attack the WTC and the Pentagon. A multitude of press stories and intelligence reports indicate the WTC would have been the primary target.
Given the financial commitments made during insider trading activity that occurred immediately before the attacks involving businesses that were directly damaged by the attacks, the threats had clearly moved from the realm of speculation to reality. Why else would mysterious investors have risked millions of dollars to purchase the put options? There is compelling evidence to suggest these trades were noted by the CIA and other USG entities.
Recently, Rep. Cynthia McKinney, D-Ga., has been widely criticized in the mainstream press for raising the need for a Congressional investigation to answer some of these obvious questions. This, in spite of the fact that popular reaction indicates a different sentiment. An opinion poll, conducted by the Atlanta Journal-Constitution just a day after McKinney's remarks received wide public attention in a Washington Post story dated April 12, was pulled after poll numbers showed that 51 percent of the respondents agreed with McKinney.
The people seem to recognize and agree with the opinion of former CIA officer Mike Osborne who says, "I think that the U.S. government needs to get behind McKinney's questions because her agenda is truth and justice, and nothing else."
Hi, Here's some Bard on his birthday and death day.
VII.
Lo! in the orient when the gracious light Lifts up his burning head, each under eye Doth homage to his new-appearing sight, Serving with looks his sacred majesty; And having climb'd the steep-up heavenly hill, Resembling strong youth in his middle age, yet mortal looks adore his beauty still, Attending on his golden pilgrimage; But when from highmost pitch, with weary car, Like feeble age, he reeleth from the day, The eyes, 'fore duteous, now converted are From his low tract and look another way: So thou, thyself out-going in thy noon, Unlook'd on diest, unless thou get a son.
Hi, I haven't seen this one before. See the Snake Nebula for your wallpaper at http://funandmagic.com/photolinks2.htm . Have you seen the half hour of Lewis Black on the Comedy Channel? I recommend it for great laughs. I would never buy a computer from a cow, but a love Gateways commercials. New voices doing commercials: Gene Hackman - Oppenheimer Funds, and Loew's Hardware Steve Martin - Merryl Lynch James Garner - Williams Energy Sam Elliot - Union Pacific Railroad John Spencer "West Wing's Leo" - AIM College Fund Donald Southerland - Volvo James Coburne - Chevy Truck
Have you seen Panic Mechanics on The Learning Channel? Two teams must fix a car that has been disabled, and move it out of the way of two oncoming tanks, intent on crushing them. Wednesdays at 10PM.
I added the Tao and the Heart Sutra to my Read the Bible obline page http://funandmagic.com/reading.html .
Lord help them,,,,,,,,,,, this is good WHY MEN ARE NOT SECRETARIES... Husband's note on refrigerator to his wife: Someone from the Guyna Colleges called. They said Pabst beer is normal.
-=-=-=-=-=
Two trucks loaded with a thousand copies of Roget's Thesaurus collided as they left a New York publishing house last Thursday, according to the Associated Press.
Witnesses were stunned, startled, aghast, taken aback, stupefied . . .
-=-=--=-
Americans are getting stronger. 50 years ago, you needed a station-wagon to hold $10 worth of groceries. 20 years ago, it took two people to carry ten dollars' worth of groceries. Now, a five- year-old can do it.
-=--=-=-=-
It was opening night at the Orpheum and the Amazing Claude was topping the bill. People came from miles around to see the famed hypnotist do his stuff.
As Claude took to the stage, he announced, "Unlike most stage hypnotists who invite two or three people up onto the stage to be put into a trance, I intend to hypnotize each and every member of the audience."
The excitement was almost electric as Claude withdrew a beautiful antique pocket watch from his coat.
I want you each to keep your eye on this antique watch. It's a very special watch. Its been in my family for six generations. He began to swing the watch gently back and forth while quietly chanting, "Watch the watch, watch the watch, watch the watch...."The crowd became mesmerized as the watch swayed back and forth, light gleaming off its polished surface. Hundreds of pairs of eyes followed the swaying watch, until suddenly it slipped from the hypnotist's fingers and fell to the floor, breaking into a hundred pieces.
"Shit" said the hypnotist.
It took three weeks to clean up the theater.
-=-=-=-=--=
A father hears his son in the bathroom masturbating. He barges in and yells, "Son, How many times have I told you not to do that? You'll go blind! Now stop it!" The son replies, "I'm over here, Dad."
-=-=-
IX.
Is it for fear to wet a widow's eye That thou consumest thyself in single life? Ah! if thou issueless shalt hap to die. The world will wail thee, like a makeless wife; The world will be thy widow and still weep That thou no form of thee hast left behind, When every private widow well may keep By children's eyes her husband's shape in mind. Look, what an unthrift in the world doth spend Shifts but his place, for still the world enjoys it; But beauty's waste hath in the world an end, And kept unused, the user so destroys it. No love toward others in that bosom sits That on himself such murderous shame commits.
Have a magic day, Magic Mike http://funandmagic.com/
Sent: Friday, April 26, 2002 11:42 PM Subject: new email form, good chuckles, Sonnet X
Hi, I added an email form to my site at http://funandmagic.com/mailwebm.html as the way to email me, The Webmaster. Here's a few good chuckles, a daily inspiration, and Shakespeare's Sonnet X.
Two women were chatting at the local rodeo when they noticed a man strut by... shirtless and wearing tight cut-off shorts.
"He must think," the first woman said, shaking her head, "that he is God's gift to women."
The second one laughed, "I hope he kept the receipt."
-=-=--=-=
Mothers of teenagers know why some animals eat their young.
---=-=-=-
If you have a lot a tension and you get a headache, do what it says on the aspirin bottle: "Take two" and "Keep away from children"...
-=-=-=-=
The next time you are stuck on the freeway and frustrated at ANOTHER idiot on the road, remember
Half the drivers around you have an IQ less than 100.
-=--=-=-
The psychology instructor had just finished a lecture on mental health and was giving an oral test.
Speaking specifically about manic depression, she asked, "How would you diagnose a patient who walks back and forth screaming at the top of his lungs one minute, then sits in a chair weeping uncontrollably the next?"
A young man in the rear raised his hand and answered, "A basketball coach?"
-==-=-=-
A thought
When we are born, our mother's get the compliments and the flowers. When we are married, our brides get the presents and the publicity. When we die, our widows get the life insurance. What do women want to be liberated from?
-=-=-=-=-
Daily Inspiration Text
April 25 Focusing our attention - daily and hourly - not on what is wrong, but on what we love and value, allows us to participate in the birth of a better future, ushered in by the choices we make each and every day. Carol Pearson Today's Affirmation I look at the bright side of situations.
-=-=-=-=---=- Shakespeare Sonnet X.
For shame! deny that thou bear'st love to any, Who for thyself art so unprovident. Grant, if thou wilt, thou art beloved of many, But that thou none lovest is most evident; For thou art so possess'd with murderous hate That 'gainst thyself thou stick'st not to conspire. Seeking that beauteous roof to ruinate Which to repair should be thy chief desire. O, change thy thought, that I may change my mind! Shall hate be fairer lodged than gentle love? Be, as thy presence is, gracious and kind, Or to thyself at least kind-hearted prove Make thee another self, for love of me, That beauty still may live in thine or thee.
Have a magic day. Magic Mike http://funandmagic.com/mailwebm.html
Hi, Here's some mirth, and words of worth. Shakespeare's 11th, an inspiration and some chuckles, on toast for your fare today. Billy is in a bit of a snit. He isn't at that point yet of "Shall I Compare Thee To A Summer's Day?" He seems preoccupied with men and women (and probably himself) leaving the mortal coil without any issue, an heir, a name to continue into posterity. Have a magic day, Magic Mike http://funandmagic.com/ XI.
As fast as thou shalt wane, so fast thou growest In one of thine, from that which thou departest; And that fresh blood which youngly thou bestowest Thou mayst call thine when thou from youth convertest. Herein lives wisdom, beauty and increase: Without this, folly, age and cold decay: If all were minded so, the times should cease And threescore year would make the world away. Let those whom Nature hath not made for store, Harsh featureless and rude, barrenly perish: Look, whom she best endow'd she gave the more; Which bounteous gift thou shouldst in bounty cherish: She carved thee for her seal, and meant thereby Thou shouldst print more, not let that copy die.
---==---
Focusing our attention - daily and hourly - not on what is wrong, but on what we love and value, allows us to participate in the birth of a better future, ushered in by the choices we make each and every day. Carol Pearson
Today's Affirmation I look at the bright side of situations.
--==----=--=
Favorite excuses for missing work:
My stigmata's acting up.
I can't come in to work today because I'll be stalking my previous boss, who fired me for not showing up for work. OK? I have a rare case of 48-hour wrist leprosy, but I know we have that deadline to meet...
I am stuck in the blood pressure machine down at the Food Giant. I just found out that I was switched at birth. Legally, I shouldn't come to work knowing my employee records may now contain false information.
The psychiatrist said it was an excellent session. He even gave me this jaw restraint so I won't bite things when I am startled.
The dog ate my car keys. We're going to hitchhike to the vet.
I prefer to remain an enigma....it's Monday.
My stepmother has come back as one of the Undead and we must track her to her coffin to drive a stake through her heart and give her eternal peace. One day should do it.
I am converting my calendar from Julian to Gregorian.
I am extremely sensitive to a rise in the interest rates.
I refuse to travel to my job until there is a commuter tax. I insist on paying my fair share.
I was up on a ladder decorating the Christmas tree when my mother called me and told me I was Jewish. I fell off the ladder.
I've used up all my sick days...so I'm calling in dead!
-=-=--
On the twelve days of "Catmas" my humans gave to me ...
--Twelve human hugs and kisses... (Oh, quit it, you're embarrassing me!) --Eleven minutes of scratching... (Oh yeah, and it makes a nice cloud of flying fur!)
--Ten balls of twine... (Hey, are you trying to strangle me?)
--Nine humans dancing... (Obviously because of the hairballs I left next to the bed.)
--Eight hairball toys... (Wow, pretty authentic looking!)
--Seven pet food covers... (Nice, but you know I always eat the whole can at one time.)
--Six floppy stuffed Beanie Dalmatians... (Ugh! Do you think I'll get the other 95?)
Five small lattice balls... (Gee, I love the noise they make on the floor at 3 am!)
--Four furry mice... (Hey, They're fake! How about a real one once in a while!)
--Three nuggets of Pounce... (Only three? Are you savin' the rest for next year?)
--Two catnip toys... (Hehe! I bet I can wreck these in 60 seconds or less.)
--A carpeted cheesy home-made cat tree... (Well, okay, but I'm not giving up sleeping on your bed.)
-=-=--=--=
"I'd like the number for Mary Jones in Phoenix, Arizona," the young man said to the 411 operator.
"There are multiple listings for Mary Jones in Phoenix, Arizona," the operator said. "Do you have a street name?"
The young man hesitated a moment, then said, "Well, most people just call me Tyrone."
-=-----
A friend of mine works in a busy office where a computer going down causes quite an inconvenience. Recently one of the computers not only crashed, it made a noise that sounded like a heart monitor. "This computer has flat-lined!" a co-worker called out with mock horror. "Does anyone here know how to do mouse-to-mouse?"
--=-=-=-=-
I stopped at a florist shop after work to pick up roses for my wife. As the clerk was putting the finishing touches on the bouquet, a young man burst through the door, breathlessly requesting a dozen red roses. "I'm sorry," the clerk said. "This man just ordered our last bunch." The desperate customer turned to me and begged, "May I please have those roses?" "What happened?" I asked. "Did you forget your wedding anniversary or something?" "It's even worse than that," he confided. "I broke my wife's hard drive!"
See ya! - Mike http://funandmagic.com/
