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Magic Mike's Jokes Archive #45 (Sept-October
2002)
Jokes from the mailbox, Magic Mailouts, NASA space
photo links and other great wallpaper photos,
and Firesign Phil's Planet Proctor Orbits.
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"Since all phenomena, is a product of one's own mind,
empty of meaning, like a magician's illusion,
having nothing to do with good or bad, acceptance or rejection,
one might burst out in laughter."
- Longchenpa, 13th century Tibetan monk.
Hi, I have not written for a while. Sorry, but not only have I been busy, but my mood has been down a bit, and many things in politics, terror threats here at The Space Needle, and the economy which has effected my tips and work, have taken a little of my humor away. So, to snap out of it I am sending some stuff that has been piling up, begging to be laughed at. Have a magic day, Magic Mike (((((((((((((((((((((((((((PLANET PROCTOR 2002-21 - http://www.planetproctor.com
"This sucks, this sucks, this sucks - SWORDFIGHT!!" - Shakespeare according to San Diego bartender Justin Webber
PLANET DUMB John William Galt asks, "How Dumb Are People?" Well -- police in Wichita, Kansas, arrested a 22-year-old man at an airport hotel after he tried to pass two counterfeit $16 bills and when two service station attendants in Ionia, Michigan, refused to hand over the cash to an intoxicated robber, the man threatened to call the police. They still refused, so the robber called the police -- and was arrested. And police in Radnor, Pennsylvania, interrogated a suspect by placing a metal colander on his head and connecting it with wires to a photocopy machine. The message "He's lying" was placed in the copier, and police pressed the copy button each time they thought the suspect wasn't telling the truth. Believing the "lie detector" was working, the suspect confessed. The Chico, California City Council enacted a ban on nuclear weapons, setting a $500 fine for anyone detonating one within city limits. Ulf af Trolle labored 13 years on a book about Swedish economic solutions. He took the 250-page manuscript to be copied, only to have it reduced to 50,000 strips of paper when a worker confused the copier with the shredder. Hoping to continue its perfect five-year safety record, a company showed a film on the use of safety goggles but the film's depiction of gory industrial accidents was so graphic, 25 workers suffered injuries in their rush to leave the room, 13 others fainted, and one man required 7 stitches after falling off his chair. Supposedly, after a top secret memo was circulated to be initialed by all authorized to read it, one chap received a follow-up: "You were not supposed to read the attached. Please erase your initials; then, to verify that you erased them, initial the erasure." The Anna Nicole Smith "reality" show on E! (for EEEEEK?), broke all previous first night cable records. Critic Howard Rosenberg suggests that next they should have "Croc Hunter" Steve Irwin, wrestle her. Florida state election officials refused to qualify Percy, a 5-year-old border collie mix, as a rival to Secretary of State Katherine Harris in her bid for Congress. And according to the LA Times, advocates of medical marijuana find themselves "arguing with a man who does not smoke, drink or dance and who probably viewed the 1936 movie 'Reefer Madness' as a medical document."
"'The problem with the French', Bush confided in Tony Blair, 'is that they don't have a word for entrepreneur'." - The London Times from Bob Claster
WHERE AM US, ANYWAY? According to Firehead Brian Westley, calendar confusion was unleashed on a tiny, oil-rich dictatorship when Saparmurat Niyazov, "Father of All Turkmenians" (recently named President-for-life by his truly) decreed that all months should be renamed after national heroes, starting with his truly, as the new January. He also wants to rename the week days: Bash Gun (Main Day), Yash Gun (Young Day), Hosh Gun (Good Day), Sogap Gun (Blessed Day), Anna (Friday), Rukh Gun (Spiritual Day) and Dynch Gun (Rest Day). And Anna, I say -- thank God it's still Friday! http://abc.net.au/news/2002/08/item20020809084300_1.htm
"The only reason they're booing is because they really want to cheer for you." - New Yankee player Derek Jeter, from Steve Ziplow U GR UP JWSH WN Every Sunday afternoon of your childhood was spent visiting your grandparents and every Sunday night you watched Lawrence Welk and Ed Sullivan sitting on furniture that smelled like mothballs, and was as comfortable as sandpaper. You were as tall as your grandmother by the age of seven. You have at least one ancestor who is related to your spouse's ancestor and at least 6 male relatives named David and at least one female relative who draws eyebrows on her face that are always asymmetrical. You thought all women's breasts were at least a C cup and never knew anyone who's last name didn't end in one of 5 standard suffixes. You spent your entire childhood thinking that everyone calls roast beef "brisket", pasta was the stuff used exclusively for kugel and kasha and bowties, and were surprised to find out that wine doesn't always taste like year-old cranberry sauce. You can look at gefilte fish and not turn green, though you thought whitefish salad and lox was the quintessential party food, and you've experienced the phenomena of watching 50 people crammed into a 10-foot wide dining room hitting each other with plastic plates trying to get to a deli tray. You can understand Yiddish but you can't speak it; you know how to pronounce numerous Yiddish words and use them correctly in context, yet you don't exactly know what they mean, even though the family dog responds to complaints uttered in Yiddish. (Kenahurra) You feel a sense of pride after seeing a Steven Spielberg movie, but Barbra Streisand embarrasses you no end. You thought that speaking loud was OK and that it's normal for someone to shout "Are you okay? Are you okay?" through the bathroom door, if you're in there for longer than 3 minutes. You think all goys are out to get you! But now you know it's just the Palestinians... (Thanks to Jane Jacobs and Magic Mike) "I am a divine being having a human experience." - David Walker, L.A. Church of Religious Science
WHAT'S SO PUNNY? Corduroy pillows are making headlines. "Energizer Bunny arrested - charged with battery." A gossip is someone with a great sense of rumor. A pessimist's blood type is always b-negative. When two egotists meet, it's an I for an I. Dijon vu - the same mustard as before. Practice safe eating - always use condiments. A hangover is the wrath of grapes. A successful diet is the triumph of mind over platter. Time flies like an arrow. Fruit flies like a banana.Is a book on voyeurism a peeping tome? I fired my masseuse today. She just rubbed me the wrong way. My wife really likes to make pottery, but to me it's just kiln time.I used to be a lumberjack, but I just couldn't hack it, so they gave me the axe; I also worked in a blanket factory, but it folded. A man's home is his castle, in a manor of speaking.. A shotgun wedding is a case of wife or death. A man needs a mistress just to break the monogamy. Marriage is the mourning after the knot before. Condoms should be used on every conceivable occasion. When you dream in color, it's a pigment of your imagination. Reading whilst sunbathing makes you, well, red. Without geometry, life is pointless. A Freudian slip is when you say one thing but mean your mother. Does the name Pavlov ring a bell? "In appreciation of the care Picabo Street received when she was injured, the skier donated money to build a new Intensive Care Unit at the local hospital in Park City, Utah to be named the 'Picabo I.C.U.' "
ISN'T IT A SMALL WORD? Philip Ball writes in Nature Magazine that according to a scientific study at Arizona State University in Tempe, words through word association in English enjoy just three degrees of separation. The researchers traced the links between 30,000 English words in an online thesaurus to discover that semantic links make it as small a world as the supposed 'six degrees of Kevin Bacon' which connect us to one another through social interactions. For example, (and I love their choice here) the word 'actor' can be connected to 'universe' through two intermediaries. 'Character' is a synonym for 'actor'; 'character' is also equated with 'nature'; and 'nature' with 'universe'. Moving from 'actor' to 'universe' in the network of words therefore takes three steps. But it's a lot harder to get an acting job at Universal.
"FOR ALL YOU DO; HIS BLOOD'S FOR YOU" - Canadian road sign from Brian Westley
JESUS IS ALL WET Richard Laible tells us that a man stumbles through the woods so blind drunk that he staggers into a river and bumps smack into a preacher baptizing people. The good pastor is almost overcome by the smell of alcohol, but asks him, "Are you ready to find Jesus?" And the drunk answers, "Yes, I am." So the preacher grabs him and dunks him, pulls him up and asks, "Brother have you found Jesus?" The drunk replies, "No, I haven't found Jesus." The preacher dunks him into the water again for a little longer this time and asks again, "Now, have you found Jesus, my brother?" "No, not yet," answers the soggy sot. By this time the preacher is at his wit's end and holds him under until he begins kicking. "For the love of God have you found Jesus?" he asks as he pulls him up. The drunk catches his breath and says, "Are you sure this is where he fell in?" "Great knowledge sees all in one. Small knowledge breaks down into many." - Chaung Tzu in the Tao
YOUNGER THAN PRIMETIME In a letter to the L.A. Times re a report on ageism in Hollywood, Craig Furnas writes "I know an actress who signed with an agent who asked her age, She answered, '26.' The agent said, 'Tell casting directors you're 22.' On an audition, the casting director asked how old she was. She answered, '22.' The casting director said, 'Tell the producer you're 19.'"
"Beauty is Pain" - Chiara to her stud muffin, Roddy on "Big Brother 3"
ELVIS LIVES! The 25th anniversary of the death of Elvis Presley will be noted Aug 16 in many ways, including a reading of Mary Willard's funny play, "Elvis and Juliet," at the Hollywood ImprovOlympics -- as well as in Las Vegas, Austin, Albuquerque, Indianapolis, Portland, Little Rock, Oxford, Miss., N.Y.'s Abingdon Theater, and London's New End. The L.A. company includes JoAnne Worley, Richard Kline, Johnny Dark, daughter Hope Willard and Fred Willard as "Art Lesley: King of the Elvis Impersonators" in an authentic $2,500 white, sequined suit. Fred will later star in Cole Porter's "Anything Goes" at UCLA's Freud, Sept. 17.
"You're nobody if you don't get booed..." - Bob Dylan WE TOLD YOU... "This report just in: Everything you know is wrong." Or so wrote Reed Johnson in the L.A. Times Lifestyle section, "un-quoting" the Firesign Theatre. But oh, how right he is! Now we learn that even Einstein might be wrong! Recent measurements from far space seem to indicate that the speed of light may NOT be constant after all!
"Before the problem of the creative writer, analysis must lay down its arms." - Freud
BETTER (LATE) THAN EVER Saturday, September 14 from 6-9 is the date for 'A (Late) Midsummer's Eve Festive Gathering" with cocktails, light food and enlightening entertainment assembled by Jeannie Hackett at the bucolic and stately mansion of Rhonda Aldrich and Stephen Halbert's @ 2559 Aberdeen Avenue in Los Feliz. The evening is designed to raise money for the Antaeus Theatre Company which will soon occupy a permanent home at New Place on Vineland in North Hollywood, where de-construction has begun by member/actor/contractor Terry Evans. If you're interested in contributing or know any high rollers (are there any left?) who would like to bring a checkbook and become a patron, please let me know, and I'll send out a formal invite! I'll be singing "Brush Up Your Shakespeare" with the ever versatile John Apicella. Also, under the able leadership of Actress/teacher Jeannie Hackett, we are offering more sessions of the Antaeus Academy to entice new (and young, handsome and beautiful) students to our classy, classical company. Check out http://www.antaeus.org for particulars.
"Making people laugh is the lowest form of humor" - Michael O'Donohue
WHAT DID THAT MAN SAY? In Afghani language notes I once used for a group looping session on some obscure movie or TV show, I found these intriguing translations: "A-neen Nevada ah Nuclear Bombs see he-ad" (or) "Ani is in Nevada with Nuclear bombs." And "Ice Turchuna Kleenex oo-nee" (or) "The little bird had a Kleenex." To which I might add, "Inch khentz pann-ay! (or) "How silly!"
"100 0LIVES LOST IN GREEK QUAKE" - Headline misprint from Ivan Berger
DON'T QUOTE ME Planet Watcher Brian Westley informs us that a group in Athens promoting devotion to the ancient Greek gods is suing the potential mascots of the 2004 Olympics in a lawsuit claiming that naming them after ancient deities "savagely insults" their religion! They hope for a settlement of 3 million euros ($2.85 million) and a possible ban on the figures - gods willing. "I got out of the film-scoring business," says 90-year-old composer David Raksin in the LA Times by way of Planeteer Rob Lewine, "because...what they wanted was something really rather cheap and vulgar; and I was not about to do that on purpose, when I was in danger of doing it accidentally." Then, someone* said, "Patriotism means to stand by the country. It does not mean to stand by the president or any other public official save exactly to the degree in which he himself stands by the country. It is patriotic to support him insofar as he efficiently serves the country. It is unpatriotic not to oppose him to the exact extent that by inefficiency or otherwise he fails in his duty to stand by the country." *President Theodore Roosevelt in 1908.
"You can put this one in the refrigerator. The door's closed, the lights are out, the eggs are cooling, the butter's getting hard and the Jell-o (tm) is jiggling..." - Late L.A. Lakers sportscaster Chick Hearn
BIG BROTHER ME!!!: http://www.cbs.com
++++++++++++(AUGUST 12, 2002)++++++++++ * FIRESIGN: http://www.firesigntheatre.com * FIREZINE: http://www.firezine.net * RARE RE-RELEASES: http://www.laugh.com * FUNNY TIMES: http://www.funnytimes.com
PLANET PROCTOR (C) 2002 by Phil Proctor
(((((((((((((((((((((((((((PLANET PROCTOR 2002-22 - http://www.planetproctor.com
"A Palestinian mom is showing photos. "This is my oldest; he's a martyr, Here's my second son; he's a martyr, too. Ah, they blow up so fast, don't they?" - Canyongirl
ONLY JOKING!!!! Look out! This special Planet features more JOKES than usual, gleaned from years of submissions from the likes of rabid collectors Jack Angel, Ivan Berger, Bob Lloyd, Garry Margolis, Magic Mike, Patty Paul, and others too numerous to mention -- though you know who you are! And if you want a credit on the site, please let me know. Here goes... Michael Caine walks up to Milton Berle during a party and asks, "What kind of cigar are you smoking, there?' "It's a Lawrence Welk.' says Berle. "What's a Lawrence Welk?" Caine asks. Milton says, "It's a piece of crap with a band wrapped around it."
"There may be some tough times here in America. But this country has gone through tough times before, and we're going to do it again." - GWB @ Waco
IN THE STOCKS Special Planet coorespondent Bongo Davis reports that helium was up; feathers were down. Paper was stationary but knives were up sharply. Pencils lost a few points. Hiking equipment was trailing. Elevators rose, while escalators continued a slow decline. Light switches were off. Mining equipment hit rock bottom. Diapers remained unchanged. Shipping lines stayed at an even keel. Balloon prices were inflated. And batteries exploded in an attempt to recharge the market.
"When I hear the sound of money, well, that is good news!" - St. Milligan the First, from Firesign Phil Austin THE MALE RULES 1. It is important to find a woman that cooks and cleans. 2. It is important to find a woman that makes good money. 3. It is important to find a woman that likes to have sex. 4. It is important that these three women never meet. - From Patty Paul
"So, your Honor, the Pledge is unconstitutional because it says 'Under God', right? So I guess that means when you were sworn in with your hand on a Bible, and repeated, 'So Help Me God' that makes your job unconstitutional...which means your ruling doesn't mean squat!" - Dennis Miller
DON'T YOU SEE? A man left work on Friday afternoon, but instead of going home, he stayed out the entire weekend hunting with the boys and spending his entire paycheck. When he finally appeared at home Sunday night, he was confronted by his very angry wife and was barraged for nearly two hours with a tirade of his actions. Finally, his wife stopped the nagging and said to him. " it if you didn't see me for two or three days?" To which he replied, "That would be fine with me." Monday went by and he didn't see his wife. Tuesday and Wednesday came and went with the same results. Thursday, the swelling went down just enough where he could see her a little out of the corner of his left eye.
"I read recipes the same way I read science fiction. I get to the end and think, 'Well, that's not going to happen.'" - Ivan's Jokes
BORN - AGAIN? A handyman was working for a Synagogue had asked for a raise and was turned down. He decided to quit and went out to look for work. First he went to a Catholic church and was told that in order to work there he would have to answer one question. The priest asked, "Where was Jesus born"? The man answered, "Pittsburgh", and was thrown out. He then went to a Baptist church. The minister told him that in order to get a job there he would have to answer a question. He was asked, "Where was Jesus born"? The man answered, "Philadelphia". He was tossed out. Walking away he met the rabbi who was looking for him. The rabbi exclaimed, "The board approved your raise. Please come back immediately". The man said to the rabbi, "I will come back only if you answer a question. "Where was Jesus born"? The rabbi says, "Bethlehem". "Argh!", cries the man. "I knew it was in Pennsylvania".
"My pro-life position is I believe there's life. It's not necessarily based in religion. I think there's a life there, therefore the notion of life, liberty, and pursuit of happiness." - GWB, SF Chronicle, Jan. 23
A MEMORY LIKE AN ELEPHANT An elephant and a crocodile were swimming in the Amazon, when the elephant spots a turtle sunning himself on a rock. The elephant walks over to the turtle, picks him up in his trunk and hurls him far into the jungle. "What did you do that for?" asks the crocodile. The elephant answers, "That turtle was the one that bit me almost fifty years ago." "And you remembered him after all these years?" the crocodile says, "Boy you sure do have a good memory." "Yep," says the elephant, "I have turtle recall." (Over the Transom)
"Mikhail Kalasnikov, the inventor of the assault rifle, wishes he'd invented the lawnmower, instead of the people-mower-downer." - Phil's Phunny Phacts
THAT'S RAT ON! A tourist walks into a curio shop in San Francisco. Looking around at the exotica, he notices a very lifelike, life-sized bronze statue of a rat. It has no price tag, but is so striking he decides he must have it. He takes it to the owner: "How much for the bronze rat?" "Twelve dollars for the rat, one hundred dollars for the story," says the owner. "I'll just take the rat," says the tourist giving the man twelve dollars, "you can keep the story." As he walked down the street carrying his bronze rat, he noticed that a few real rats had crawled out of the alleys and sewers and began following him. This was disconcerting, and he began walking faster. But within a couple blocks, the herd of rats behind him had grown to hundreds, and they began squealing. He began to trot toward the Bay, looking around to see that the rats now numbered in the MILLIONS, and were squealing and coming toward him faster and faster. Concerned, even scared, he ran to the edge of the Bay, and threw the bronze rat as far out into the water as he could. Amazingly, the millions of rats all jumped into the Bay after it, and they all drowned. The shaken man walked back to the curio shop. "Aha," said the owner, "You have come back for the story?" "No," said the man, "I came back to see if you have a bronze Terrorist."
"If GI Joe is carrying a replica [weapon] then we have to take it from him." - LAX security, http://news.bbc.co.uk/2/hi/england/2173150.stm BOOLA BALL YA? Tim Tuffield sent me the tale of a Texas football player who while visiting a Boston relative, was smitten by a glamorous East coast co-ed at a big Holiday party. He attempted to break the ice by asking, "Where do ya'll go t' school?" and the Ivy-league fox, though thrown by his grammar and his drawl, gamely replied, "Yale." The aggie smiled, took a deep breath, and screamed, "I said, WHERE DO YA'LL GO T' SCHOOL!?"
A guy goes into a bar and orders a martinus. "You mean martini", says the bartender. "No", says the guy, "If I wanted two, I'd have said so." -Ivan again
CAUGHT A BIG ONE! A woman is in bed with her lover who also happens to be her husband's best friend. They make love for hours, and afterwards, the phone rings and the woman picks up the receiver. Her lover looks over and listens, only hearing her side of the conversation. As she speaks in a cheery voice: "Hello? Oh, hi. I'm so glad that you called. Really? That's wonderful. I am so happy for you. That sounds terrific. Great! Thanks. Okay. Bye-bye." She hangs up and her lover asks, "Who was that?" "Oh, that was my husband," she replies, "telling me all about the wonderful time he's having on his fishing trip with you." (Jack's Jokes)
"A performing penis incontestably has legs." - LA Times' "Puppetry of the Penis" review by Lewis Segal
LOCATION, LOCATION... I went to the store the other day, I was only in there for about 5 minutes and when I came out there was a damn motorcycle cop writing a parking ticket. So I went up to him and said, 'Come on buddy, how about giving a guy a break?' He ignored me and continued writing the ticket; so I called him a pencil necked nazi. He glared at me and started writing another ticket for having bald tires!! o I called him a piece of horse crap. He finished the second ticket and put it on the car with the first. Then he started writing a third ticket!! This went on for about 5 minutes . . . the more I abused him, the more tickets he wrote. But I didn't give a damn. My car was parked around the corner
"You sure have to hand it to politicians. Otherwise they'll find some other way of getting it." - George Mair @ LaLaLAND
THE REST IS SILENCE Cliff Thorsness, the veteran CBS sound effects artist (1938-1962) who inadvertently left a battleship-gray door, wind machine and marching foot device for the Firesign Theatre to use on our first recordings at the Gower studios, has signed off at 88. He worked with audio giants like Orson Welles and Norman Corwin and now joins fellow sound designer David L. Krebs in that great studio in the sky. In a moving tribute to them both in Radiogram, Tony Palermo writes,
"They shouldn't go out with a bang or a whimper. You want it to be some extraordinary montage of sound patterns - an avalanche of milk bottles...or the Pacific Ocean evaporating...or the sound of a heart being broken." And speaking of high-flying tributes, before he died at 78, Edward "Steady Ed" Headrick, the inventor of the "Pluto Platter", AKA "The Frisbee" -- said he wanted his ashes to be mixed into new copies of the famous plastic pie plate, sales of which his family hopes will fund a museum in his honor. And finally, pal Thane Tierney heard a Chick-ism from a caller to the Jim Rome show which should close this item in an appropriate manner. "You can put this one in the ground. The lid's closed, the body's cooling, the tissues are getting hard and the body fluids are congealing!"
"So many people have been killed in the name of God, that He could probably be named in a class action suit." - Peter David, Comics Buyer's Guide
OH, LORD! Hipsters, flipsters, and finger-poppin' daddies, Knock me your lobes, I came to lay Caesar out, Not to hip you to him. The bad jazz that a cat blows, Wails long after he's cut out. The groovy is often stashed with their frames, So don't put Caesar down. The swinging Brutus hath laid a story on you That Caesar was hungry for power. If it were so, it was a sad drag, And sadly hath the Caesar cat answered it. Here with a pass from Brutus and the other brass, For Brutus is a worthy stud, Yea, so are they all worthy studs, Though their stallions never sleep. I came to wail at Caesar's wake. He was my buddy, and he leveled with me. Yet Brutus digs that he has eyes for power, And Brutus is a solid cat... From Mark Antony's Funeral Oration in"Dig Infinity! The Life and Art of Lord Buckley" by Oliver Trager, Welcome Rain, $30 (including CD)
NOW, GO AWAY... THE F WORD: http://www.fuck.addr.com/news/word/larry.html MICHAEL'S MANY FACES:http://www.anomalies-unlimited.com/Jackson.html YOU'VE COME A LONG WAY, BOOBIE: http://sfgate.com/cgi bin/article.cgi?f=/c/a/2002/08/04/BA103948.DTL
"The people can always be brought to the bidding of the leaders...All you have to do is tell them they are being attacked and denounce the peacemakers for ...exposing the country to danger. It works the same in any country." - Herman Goering at the Nuremberg Trials
LISTEN TO ME! WATCH BIG BROTHER 3!
++++++++++++(AUGUST 20, 2002)++++++++++ * FIRESIGN: http://www.firesigntheatre.com * FIREZINE: http://www.firezine.net * FIRESIGN STUFF: http://www.lodestone-media.com * RARE RE-RELEASES: http://www.laugh.com * FUNNY TIMES: http://www.funnytimes.com
PLANET PROCTOR (C) 2002 by Phil Proctor
(((((((((((((((((((((((((((PLANET PROCTOR 2002-23 - http://www.planetproctor.com
"The arts can do more to sustain the peace than all the wars, the armaments and the threats and warnings of the politicians." - Arthur Miller
BEAT THE REAPER! Planet Watcher Ralph Phillips heard Rush Limbaugh play Firesign Theatre's "Beat the Reaper" routine to show how things that were once parodied are now becoming a reality...show. If you live in the U.K. (yuck?) look out (sic) for pilot on a digital channel where contestants will be competing"to get as many illnesses as possible." It's called "Sick Day", and three strapping chaps will be locked up in an (unsafe?) house for two months trying to catch ailments like "nits, lice, flu, venereal diseases," (that's really sic) "and warts." Which leads me to ask, do "genital warts" count as extra points? "I was shocked!" said teacher Ray Downing, 23, who auditioned for the show. "They talked about snorkeling in sewage." What a ponce! We do that every day in San Diego! Contestants were told they would be paid (dental program, too?) and that a doctor would make sure they did not become too ill (sure) adding that, "None of the illnesses will be life threatening." "He's got - the plague! Give him the antidote, Nurse Judy!" http://www.thesun.co.uk/article/0,,2-2002410055,00.html
"The Firesign Theatre is like having American culture explode in front of you and land all over the wall." - George Carlin, on "Weirdly Cool" IN ARRESTING ARE TICKLE NY Times "Circuits" writer, David Pogue, who regularly utilizes a computer-driven voice recognition program, claims it will "never" replace the keyboard. He then lists "wordos" such as: Bookmark it (book market), Motorola (motor roll a), Modem port (mode import), A procedure (upper seizure), And then stick it in the mail (and dense thicket in the mail), Movie clips (move eclipse,) I might add (I my dad), Inscrutable (in screw double), Hyphenate (- 8), Suffocate (Suffolk 8), A case we summarily dismissed (a case we so merrily dismissed), Or take a shower (Ortega shower), The right or left (the writer left), Oxymoron (ax a moron) and Arial phone guy (aerial fungi). "In short," Pogue complains, "How can we expect computers to understand us perfectly, when half the time we can't understand each other?" What did that man say? (Thanks to Garry Margolis)
"I was always afraid to get a prostate exam because I didn't want my doctor sticking his finger up my butt. So when I heard they have this newfangled digital exam, I thought, hey, that doesn't sound so bad." - Scott E. Frank
CAN'T WE JUST LAUGH ALONG? After all that recent flap concerning stand-up Jackie Mason and the cancellation of his opening act, a Palestinian comic, at a nightclub in Chicago, it was nice to get a notice from Jeannine Frank, our local Parlor Performance Producer, about Rabbi-comedian Bob Alper, (the world's only practicing clergyman doing stand-up comedy...intentionally) who's tours the country with Arab comic, Ahmed Ahmed, in a program called "ONE JEW. ONE ARAB. ONE STAGE. Two very funny guys!!" We hope they don't bomb.
"The principal benefit acting has afforded me is the money to pay for my psychoanalysis." - Marlon Brando
WHAT IS REALITY? CBS is reinventing "The Beverly Hillbillies" as a reality series that will follow the misadventures of a rural, lower-middle-class family (with granny), transported from their humble home to a real Beverly Hills manse (move over, Ozzie!) tentatively called The "Real" Beverly Hillbillies. To quote "Simone" creator/producer Andrew Niccol, "[You] couldn't actually use some of the more ridiculous things that go on in Hollywood, because people would not believe it." "A pirate walks into a bar with a steering wheel attached to his crotch, so the barte der says, "You know you have a steering wheel attached to your crotch?" "Arrgh," says the pirate, "It's driving me nuts!" - From R. Lovejoy
FOR SAD SACKS George at "Funny Times" recommends a 3-day-a -week workout for those of us getting on in years, to build op atrophying arm and shoulder muscles. Start by standing with a 5-pound potato sack in each hand, says George, extend the arms straight out to the sides and hold them there as long as you can. After a few weeks, move up to 10-pound sacks, then 50-pound sacks, and finally (George swears) you'll get to where you can lift a 100-pound potato sack in each hand, holding your arms straight out for more than a full minute! Then, start putting a few potatoes in the sacks. (But beware! This regime also stimulates an urge for vodka.)
"Age is something that doesn't matter, unless you are a cheese." - Billie Burke
A DOODLE -DOO? The priest in a small Irish village was very fond of the rooster and about ten hens he kept in the chicken house in the back of the rectory. But one Saturday night the cock rooster went missing and the priest suspected it had been abducted for a cock fight, and he decided to do something about it at church the next morning. At Mass, he asked the congregation point blank, "Has anybody got a cock?" All the men stood up. "No, No," he said, "That wasn't what I meant, at all. Has anybody seen a cock?" All the women stood up. "No, No," he said, "You misread my meanin'. Has anybody seen a cock that doesn't belong to them?" Half the women stood up. "No, No," he said, "What I really mean is, has anybody seen my cock?" At that, all the altar boys stood up.
"Pop star Michael Jackson accepted his own self-created Artist of the Millennium award on MTV. Should have been the best self-created Plastic Surgery award." - Phil's Phunny Phacts
AND THE CHILDREN SHALL LEAD YOU A first grade teacher gave each of her students the first half of a popular proverb and asked them to come up with the rest: Better to be safe than......................punch a 5th grader. Strike while the ...........................bug is close. It's always darkest before..................Daylight Savings Time. Never underestimate the power of............termites. You can lead a horse to water but...........how? Don't bite the hand that....................looks dirty. No news is..................................impossible. A miss is as good as a......................Mister You can't teach an old dog new..............math. If you lie down with dogs, you'll...........stink in the morning. The pen is mightier than the................pigs. An idle mind is.............................the best way to relax.
Where there's smoke there's.................pollution. Happy the bride who.........................gets all the presents. A penny saved is............................not much. Two's company, three's......................the Musketeers. Don't put off till tomorrow what............you put on to go to bed. Laugh & the whole world laughs with you, cry &......you have to blow your nose. There are none so blind as..................Stevie Wonder. Children should be seen and not.............spanked or grounded. If at first you don't succeed...............get new batteries. You get out of something only what you......see in the picture on the box. When the blind leadeth the blind............get out of the way. And -- Better late than ..........................pregnant. "My wife keeps complaining that I never listen to her...or something like that." - From Jane Jacobs
LIKE PULLING TEETH Larry Belling witnessed the driver of a huge tractor-trailer lose control of his rig and plow into an empty tollbooth smashing it to pieces. Within minutes, another truck pulled up and out hopped a crew of workers. The men picked up each broken piece of the former tollbooth and spread some kind of creamy substance on it. Then they began fitting the pieces together. In less than ten minutes, they had the entire tollbooth reconstructed and good as new. "Astonishing!" the truck driver said to the crew chief. "What was that white stuff you used to get all of the pieces together?" The crew chief said, "Oh, that was tollgate booth paste."
"What's the difference between the state of California and the Titanic? At least when the Titanic went down, the lights were on." - Enron CEO, Jeff Skilling
OPEN SEASON The latest ploy to drive the last of the Al Queda out of the Afghani caves is to send in the Alabama Swat Team: Billy Bob, Bubba, Boo, Scooter, and Cooter, with the following information: 1. There's no limit. 2. The season just opened. 3. They taste like chicken. 4. They don't like beer, pickup trucks, country music, or Jesus. 5. Some might be queer. 6. They hate barbecue. 7. They caused Dale Earnhardt's racing death. That should do it, you think?
"If you want to live like a Republican, vote Democrat." - Phil's Phunny Phacts
WATCH BIG BROTHER 3! AND CATCH FIRE (SIGN) ON "ALL THINGS CONSIDERED!!!
++++++++++++(SEPTEMBER 9, 2002)++++++++++ * FIRESIGN: http://www.firesigntheatre.com * FIREZINE: http://www.firezine.net * FIRESIGN STUFF: http://www.lodestone-media.com * RARE RE-RELEASES: http://www.laugh.com * FUNNY TIMES: http://www.funnytimes.com
PLANET PROCTOR (C) 2002 by Phil Proctor
(((((((((((((((((((((((((((PLANET PROCTOR 2002-24 - http://www.planetproctor.com "The human race consists of the dangerously insane and those who are not." - Mark Twain
WHY THEY CALL IT "THE BIZ" I've been very busy for the last three weeks, not just working, but preparing to work (and play) in Europe. So, after a weekend in the Fens with our pals the Whites, Melinda and I train to London for two days for more socializing and to be read by Susie the Psychic, a renowned seer who just completed a TV run produced by hubby, Chris Barr, and who writes a column for the Daily Mail. If Susie says it's ok, we then jet to Dublin and straight into rehearsals and promotional appearances where Melinda will portray Coleen, a famous American romance writer and I her hen-pecked husband, ex-talk show host, stuttering Herbert, in "The Ghost Behind the Black Door", a half-hour comic chiller for award-winning Roger Gregg's "Crazy Dog Live" series on RTE' Radio 1, National Irish Radio. Visit crazydoglive@rte.ie for more, if you think you can take it! The show will be performed with live audience participation (one of Roger's trademarks) on Saturday morning, October 12th at 11:02am (sic) and will be available on line from the RTE archive the week following on http://www.radio1.ie Then it's off to Tuscany with our friends Phyllis and Rob for rest, recreation and Italian and eating lessons. We leave on Friday and return on the 23rd. HOLD THE EMAIL, please!!! We're off line and under the radar!
"In Italy, many men over 60 are having chemically assisted sex. They call it 'La dolce Viagra.'" - Newsweek
EAT OR BE EATEN When America was being settled, a group of people headed west in a wagon train. Their inexperienced leader soon became lost. They were getting desperate when they came over a hill and saw an old Jewish gentleman beneath a tree. The leader rushed to the old man and said, "We're lost and running out of food. Can you help us?" The old man said, "Mister, all I know is dis; if you go up dat there hill and down other side, I guarantee de'll be a big bacon tree." "A bacon tree?" asked the wagon tree leader. "Yah, ah bacon tree. Trust me. For nuttin vud I lie." The leader goes back and tells his people that if nothing else, they might be able to find food on the other side of the next ridge, so the wagon train goes up the hill and down the other side. Suddenly, Indians attack and massacre everyone except the leader, who manages to escape back to the old man, who's enjoying a "glassel tea." The near-dead man starts shouting. "You fool! You sent us to our deaths! We were attacked by hundreds of Indians, who killed everyone." The old gentleman holds up his hand and says "Oy, vait a minute." He then gets out an English-Yiddish dictionary, and begins thumbing through it. "Gevalt, I made myself ah big mistake. It vuz not a bacon tree. It vuz a ham bush!" luandir
"The Cheese should feel quite solid and straight...trying to create some kind of order between the sadistic schizoid Bacon and the Snack Cake." - Ad copy notes
WHILE I WAS AWAY... All Hell was breaking loose. The mayor of Le Lavandou on the French Cote d'Azur banned his fellow citizens from dying. The existing cemetery was full and the mayor wasn't granted permission to establish a new one. The London Times reported that 'A young girl, who was blown out to sea on a set of inflatable teeth, was rescued by a man on an inflatable lobster. A coast-guard spokesman commented, "This sort of thing is all too common these days."' Argentinians, fed up with corrupt and inept politicians who've led their country to the brink of bankruptcy (sound familiar?) are backing a bill which would require all candidates for public office to take mental exams. They should call it "The Papoon Proposal", since Firesign theatre came up with the idea in the 70's! NOT INSANE! Mice have been able to grow bigger brains with the simple addition of a single gene, according to Dr. Chris Walsh at Harvard Medical School who added, "I know the most interesting question was whether they learned to play Mozart, but we don't know." Shades of "Pinky and The Brain"? Scientists found the oldest known penis on a 100 million-year-old microscopic crustacean,fossilized "in flagrante", getting up for his "big" moment. He was really stoned. On the first anniversary of the terrorist attacks, on 9/11, the evening numbers drawn In the New York Lottery were 9-1-1. But if you OWE money, you'll pay, and how, if Dr. Diablo shows up at your office, home or church, in a flamed SUV, siren shrieking, with sexy sirens in skintight costumes and a vicious dog. If you need his services, go to: http://www.abcnews.go.com/sections/wnt/DailyNews/LeeCam_DrDiablo020814.html ?partner=earthlink
"I live in Mexico, so I don't do anything and I don't start that til noon." - Jerry Van Dyke
DRIVE, HE SAID Keith Mast says that three men met at a party, and it wasn't long until the conversation got around to their l work and what kind of cars they drove. "I'm a veterinarian," said the first fellow, "so I drive a white Vette." As they smiled and nodded, the second man said, "I own a sign company, so I drive a purple Neon." The third guy was suddenly quiet until the other two egged him on. "Well", he finally said, "I'm a proctologist and I have a brown Probe.
"People who play jazz have more fun than the people listening to them." - Robert Dubac in "The Male Intellect: an Oxymoron?" GIRLS JUST WANNA HAVE FUN The "Harry Potter" toy broomstick from Mattel has a vibrating feature That's a bit too popular with teenage girls. The "Nimbus 2000" is a plastic battery-powered replica of the broom used in Quidditch matches by the boy wizard in "Harry Potter and the Sorcerer's Stone." It features a stick and a handle for "easy riding," according to Toysrus.com, and, enhancing the excitement are the "vibrating effects." It's a big hit and hits the spot.
"In today's corporate America one could say we're suffering from an embezzlement of riches." - Phil Proctor BROKEN RECORDS? In Finland, Estonians captured the world wife-carrying contest for the fifth year using the patented Estonian carry -- where the wife squeezes her thighs on the sides of the man's face while hanging upside down on his back. The prize was the wife's weight in beer. Other milestones recently confirmed by the Guinness Book of Records (we'll dringk to that) were Most Persons Wearing Fake Groucho Glasses and Moustache (522); Most Live Honeybees Held Inside a Human Mouth (109); Most People Flossing Simultaneously with the Same Piece of Floss (297); Longest Ear Hair (4 inches, India); and Most Balloon Animals Sculpted in One Hour (494 in Pennsylvania). And they say the world is on the brink of war!
"If we want to sell American democracy, by God, we have to live it." - Former weapons inspector, Scott Ritter
YUCKEE! There once was a mountain named Yucca, To which Bush made his mind up to trucka Whole load of nuke waste. Poor Nevada, defaced, Cried in anguish, "Not here, motha-f**ka!" - By Aerialist/poet Montana Miller @ www.montanamiller.com
"I'm not saying Bush is dim, but it takes him 2 hours to watch '60 Minutes.'" - Phil's Phunny Phacts
SECRETS TO A HAPPY MARRIAGE 1. It is important to find a woman who cooks and cleans. 2. It is important to find a woman who makes good money. 3. It is important to find a woman who likes to have sex. 4. It is important that these three women never meet.
"Over 17 million work days were lost when 135,000 television, radio and film actors went on strike against advertisers for several month." - NY Times
THIS IS REALLY GOOFY Why does Goofy stand erect while Pluto remains on all fours; aren't they both dogs! Well, not exactly, explains Planet Researcher Ed Ryba. Mickey's dog, Pluto, is indeed a dog. Goofy, on the other hand is a strange cartoon subspecies called a "dawg". Goofy started out in life circa 1929 as "Dippy Dawg" and the Disney animators affectionately nicknamed him "Dippy The Goof", or "The Goof" for short, which soon became "Goofy". The only other example of this subspecies surfaced around 1959 from Terrytoons studio -- Deputy Dawg. "The highest purpose is to have no purpose at all. This puts one in accord with nature in her manner of operation." - John Cage (from Gary Belkin)
OFF WE GO I dedicate this orbit to my late mother, Audre Jane (Yoder) Proctor, who would have turned 88 today; and my dear daughter Kristin and her beau Geoff, celebrating 11 months together tomorrow. Proctor and Campbell.
"Men are like a fine wine. They all start out like grapes, and it's a woman's job to stomp on them and keep them in the dark until they mature into something you'd like to have dinner with." - From Patty Paul TO DO... Listen to The Firesign Theatre on "All Things Considered", tomorrow; and phone the White house at 202-456-1111, between 9-5 EST to say "I oppose" or "I approve" of the proposed war against Iraq. And, says Gary Belkin, comedy writer and military strategist, "How the Hell are we going to establish a beachhead in Iraq when the whole country is a beach?"
++++++++++++(OCTOBER 2, 2002)++++++++++ * FIRESIGN: http://www.firesigntheatre.com * FIREZINE: http://www.firezine.net * FIRESIGN STUFF: http://www.lodestone-media.com * RARE RE-RELEASES: http://www.laugh.com * FUNNY TIMES: http://www.funnytimes.com
PLANET PROCTOR (C) 2002 by Phil Proctor
From today's London Daily Mirror:
I am surprised because the Mirror is usually very Left wing socialist, almost communist - Parsons article hopefully shows what the average Brit thinks of the USA!
SHAME ON YOU AMERICAN-HATING LIBERALS
Tony Parsons
ONE year ago, the world witnessed a unique kind of broadcasting --- the mass murder of thousands, live on television. As a lesson in the pitiless cruelty of the human race, September 11 was up there with Pol Pot's Mountain of skulls in Cambodia, or the skeletal bodies stacked like garbage in the Nazi concentration camps.
An unspeakable act so cruel, so calculated and so utterly merciless that surely the world could agree on one thing --- nobody deserves this fate. Surely there could be consensus: the victims were truly innocent, the perpetrators truly evil.
But to the world's eternal shame, 9/11 is increasingly seen as America's comeuppance. Incredibly, anti-Americanism has increased over the last year.
There has always been a simmering resentment to the USA in this country --- too loud, too rich, too full of themselves and so much happier than Europeans - but it has become an epidemic.
It seems incredible to me. More than that, it turns my stomach. America is this country's greatest friend and our staunchest ally. We are bonded to the US by culture, language and blood.
A little over half a century ago, around half a million Americans died for our freedoms, as well as their own. Have we forgotten so soon? Exactly a year ago, thousands of ordinary men, women and children --- not just Americans, but from dozens of countries were butchered by a small group of religious fanatics. Are we so quick to betray them?
What touched the heart about those who died in the twin towers and on the planes was that we recognized them. Young fathers and mothers, somebody's son and somebody's daughter, husbands and wives. And children. Some unborn.
These people brought it on themselves? And their nation is to blame for their meticulously planned slaughter?
These days you don't have to be some dust-encrusted nut job in Kabul or Karachi or Finsbury Park to see America as the Great Satan. The anti-American alliance is made up of self-loathing liberals who blame the Americans for every ill in the Third World, and conservatives suffering from power-envy, bitter that the world's only superpower can do what it likes without having to ask permission.
The truth is that America has behaved with enormous restraint since September 11.
Remember, remember. Remember the gut-wrenching tapes of weeping men phoning their wives to say, "I love you," before they were burned alive. Remember those people leaping to their deaths from the top of burning skyscrapers.
Remember the hundreds of firemen buried alive. Remember the smiling face of that beautiful little girl who was on one of the planes with her mum.
Remember, remember --- and realize that America has never retaliated for 9/11 in anything like the way it could have.
So a few al-Qaeda tourists got locked without a trial in Camp X-ray? Pass the Kleenex. So some Afghan wedding receptions were shot up after they merrily fired their semiautomatics in a sky full of American planes? A shame, but maybe next time they should stick to confetti.
AMERICA could have turned a large chunk of the world into a parking lot. That it didn't is a sign of strength.
American voices are already being raised against attacking Iraq - that's what a democracy is for. How many in the Islamic world will have a minute's silence for the slaughtered innocents of 9/11? How many Islamic leaders will have the guts to say that the mass murder of 9/11 was an abomination?
When the news of 9/11 broke on the West Bank, those freedom-loving Palestinians were dancing in the street. America watched all of that --- and didn't push the button. We should thank the stars that America is the most powerful nation in the world. I still find it incredible that 9/11 did not provoke all-out war. Not a "war on terrorism." A real war.
The fundamentalist dudes are talking about "opening the gates of hell," if America attacks Iraq. Well, America could have opened the gates of hell like you wouldn't believe.
The US is the most militarily powerful nation that ever strode the face of the earth. The campaign in Afghanistan may have been less than perfect and the planned war on Iraq may be misconceived.
But don't blame America for not bringing peace and light to these wretched countries. How many democracies are there in the Middle East, or in the Muslim world? You can count them on the fingers of one hand --- assuming you haven't had any chopped off for minor shoplifting.
I love America, yet America is hated. I guess that makes me Bush's poodle. But I would rather be a dog in New York City than a Prince in Riyadh. Above all, America is hated because it is what every country wants to be --- rich, free, strong, open, optimistic. Not ground down by the past, or religion, or some caste system. America is the best friend this country ever had and we should start remembering that.
Or do you really think the USA is the root of all evil? Tell it to the loved ones of the men and women who leaped to their death from the burning towers.
Tell it to the nursing mothers whose husbands died on one of the hijacked planes, or were ripped apart in a collapsing skyscraper. And tell it to the hundreds of young widows whose husbands worked for the New York Fire Department. To our shame, George Bush gets a worse press than Saddam Hussein.
Once we were told that Saddam gassed the Kurds, tortured his own people and set up rape-camps in Kuwait. Now we are told he likes Quality Street. Save me the orange center, oh mighty one!
Remember, remember, September 11. One of the greatest atrocities in human history was committed against America. No, do more than remember --- NEVER FORGET !!!!!
My uncle is a retired Lt. Col. US AirForce and was commander of the Tactical Air Command Squadron in Virginia. I am forwarding to you his letter to my father. Magic Mike Berger
"The msg from Lt Col Kern is very interesting. It is true that this may very well be a protracted conflict. And yes the terrorists are dedicated and secretive and able to plan, but I don't care what col kern says, it is not normal for anyone to sacrifice their life in order to just create mayhem and kill innocent people to make a statement. And to win, the people must keep the faith and be willing to endure and trust in our leaders. But when it's all over will that be the end?? hell man, we have had wars to end all wars. So, by the results, have we ended wars? Has the damn insanity ceased? Will the Colonels words stop all this? Will what he says the American people need to do end the insanity? HELL NO! So what should people do?? Many say, "I'm just one person, what can I do?" I'll answer that for anyone that asks! Because there is no such thing as just me. Al, many people have perverted their own religions to tear asunder someone of another faith or belief. Down thru the ages the atrocities committed in the name of 'religion' are unbelievable. The Jews utter the word "zochor" (remember). Remember, that it should never happen again! To Whom? Just to the Jews? NO! It was supposed to mean that it should never happen again to anyone. Yet many Jews condemn others for their beliefs and they know nothing of those beliefs except what is published by the merchants of chaos (the media). Do Jews have a monopoly on that? Not by a long shot. Lutherans, Baptist, Catholic, Muslim, Budhists, Hindu and others have people within their ranks, "religious people," condemning others for their beliefs. AND you couldn't find anywhere in all these religions that intolerance is preached as a way of life or even that it's OK. And how about this? Governments issuing edicts against miniority religions. Banning certain religions recognition within their borders. I could go on about the inhumanity that is prevalent in many countries, even though they are signatories to the granting of human rights and freedom of religion established by the Helsinki Commission. Did you hear our President address that when he was standing beside the German Chancellor? So, what can one person do? It's certainly not nothing. That's the worst thing one can do. Nothing! I definitely got that from L Ron Hubbard. How about this? ATTACK WITH FEROCITY ANYONE PUTTING DOWN ANOTHER FOR THEIR BELIEFS OR THEIR RELIGIOUS PREFERENCE. AND ANYONE DEFAMING ANOTHER BECAUSE OF RACE, COLOR, CREED, OR NATIONAL ORIGIN. WE HAVE MORE RIGHT TO SHUT THEM UP AND CONDEMN THAT SORT OF ACTIVITY THAN THEY HAVE TO SAY IT. AND BEYOND, WE SHOULD DEFEND ANYONE BEING PUT DOWN BY THE IGNORANT. IF WE DON'T CONDEMN THAT SORT OF BEHAVIOR, OUR OWN PERSONAL INTEGRITY IS LOWERED AND WE LET INTOLERANCE GROW A BIT MORE. IT GROWS BECAUSE IF ONE DOES NOTHING, IT HAS THE APPARENCY OF BEING ACCEPTABLE. AND HOW COULD WE EVER FEEL GOOD ABOUT OURSELVES BY BEING PART OF THE PROBLEM INSTEAD OF PART OF THE SOLUTION. SO.........THAT'S SOMETHING WE CAN ALL DO. NOT JUST AS AMERICANS, BUT INHABITANTS OF THIS PLANET." Yogi Berger
