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Magic Mike's Jokes Archive #43 (May - June 2002) Jokes from the mailbox, Magic Mailouts, NASA space photo links and other great wallpaper photos, and Firesign Phil's Planet Proctor Orbits. Back to Joke Archive Entry   Magic Mike's Joke Page Parlor   Magic Mike's Home Page "Since all phenomena, is a product of one's own mind, empty of meaning, like a magician's illusion, having nothing to do with good or bad, acceptance or rejection, one might burst out in laughter." - Longchenpa, 13th century Tibetan monk. TO FIND SOMETHING USE THE EDIT/FIND IN YOUR BROWSER (TOP LEFT CORNER). Hi, You have heard of the new high quality pics from Hubble Space Telescope, 10 times the detail. See this pic for your desktop wallpaper background, from the center of the Omega Nebula, at my Photolinks page. http://funandmagic.com/photolinks2.htm . I saw a bumper sticker here in Seattle that said, "Good Planets Are Hard To Find". They must not have read a "Planet Proctor", and here is the latest one from Hollywood phrom Phil. Just outside of Seattle, we made national news as robbers, a man and a woman, held staff of a Starbucks at gunpoint, took the cash, and worked the drive-up window for 30 minutes. According to patrons, they noticed the coffee wasn't up to the usual quality. Here's some chuckles, an inspiration, a sonnet, and a Planet P. -Magic Mike http://funandmagic.com/ Why is Chelsea Clinton so homely? Because Janet Reno is her real father. -=---=---=- What's the definition of a teenager? God's punishment for enjoying sex. -=----=--=--= (((((((((((((((((((((((((((PLANET PROCTOR 2002-11 - http://www.planetproctor.com "We can't all be heroes. Somebody has to sit on the curb and clap as they go by." - Will Rogers EAT ME! I recently played a CD-Rom character called "Crazy Boris" who claimed to have years of sandwiches stashed away somewhere on an abandoned Martian colony. Now, it appears he may not be so crazy after all, as The New Scientist reports development of an indestructible air-droppable "pocket" sandwich, designed to stay palatable for up to three years from the temperature of a warm summer's day to just above body temperature. Employing yummy fillings such as pepperoni and chicken with added substances called humectants, to stop water leakage (like Depends?) and avoid soggy bread, the sandwiches are then sealed in plastic pouches that include oxygen-scavenging chemicals to suppress yeast, mould and (Martian) bacteria. Soldiers who tried the pitas have found them "acceptable",oh boy, so the Army hopes to develop pocket pizzas, cream-filled bagels, breakfast burritos and peanut-butter sandwiches which like dehydrated eggs, freeze-dried coffee and processed cheese, also created for the military, will likely turn up in stores. Yeah, Army Surplus. "You will hear of wars and rumors of wars but see to it that you are not alarmed. Such things must happen, but the end is still to come...all these are but the beginning of birth pains." - Matthew 24: 6-8 GESUNDHEIT! *THE GEORGE W BUSH Virus: Causes your computer to think it won the election even though the motherboard and fatherboard bought it. *THE AL GORE Virus: Causes your computer to just keep counting. *THE CLINTON Virus: Gives you a 7-Inch Hard Drive with NO memory. *THE BOB DOLE or VIAGRA Virus: Makes a new hard drive out of an old floppy. "If we don't grow by our mistakes then we can only be categorized as fools." - AME Church Pastor, Cecil Murray EAT MY VOLTS! Although L.A. still tops the list as "the smoggiest city", I now drive a 4-door Toyota Prius, the Official Car of Earth Day Network, and contribute less to the problem! The world's first mass-produced Hybrid features a gasoline-fueled internal combustion engine and a self-charging electric motor, is almost 75 percent cleaner than standard Ultra Low Emission Vehicles, is pretty and peppy, and sells for around $21,000. And speaking of money, AOL Time Warner, (who recently ate Rhino Records), just earned the dubious honor of "spilling more red ink than any company in U.S. corporate history" according to the L.A. Times with a quarterly loss of over $50 billion! Thus, the world's most bloated media company lost more than "the annual gross domestic product of Ecuador, Croatia, Uruguay, Kenya or Bulgaria." (That's "on paper", of course, even though this report isn't...) And finally, in this century of paradoxical disparities, the N.Y. Times Thomas L. Friedman asks us to contrast reports that the biggest selling book in China these days is "Harvard Girl Yiting Liu" in which a mother shares her "scientifically proven methods" to get her teenager into college; while the Saudi ambassador in London, Ghazi Algosaibi, published a poem in Al-Hayat praising the Palestinian 18-year-old female supermarket bomber, stating, "You died to honor God's word." Uh-huh. In the beginning was the "Big Bang..." "If you can't be a good example, then you'll just have to be a horrible warning." - Catherine Aird A SIGN OF THE TIMES "We would rather do business with 1000 terrorists than with a single Jew!" said the sign, and it was prominently displayed in the window of a Philadelphia business. One would think that anti-hate groups from all across the country would be on the march and the Guard called to maintain order, but after all, we are a society who holds Freedom Of Speech as our greatest liberty. Still, you may be asking what business would dare post such a sign? Try -- "Goldberg's Funeral Home." "Atty. Gen. John Ashcroft complains that [recent Supreme Court] rulings will make his prosecutions 'immeasurably more difficult.' But that's the point. It's supposed to be immeasurably difficult to prosecute people who have committed no crime." - Geoffrey H. Kuenning, LA Times Letters FORGIVE ME. FATHER... A young monk arrives at the monastery and is assigned to help the other monks in copying old texts by hand. He notices, however, that they are copying from copies, not the original manuscripts. So he goes to the head monk, pointing out that if there were an error in the first copy, that error would be perpetuated in all subsequent copies. "We have been copying from the copies for centuries," says the senior monk, "but you make a good point, my son." So he goes down into the cellar with one of the copies to check it against the original. Hours go by and nobody sees him. Finally, a brother goes downstairs and hearing sobs coming from the back of the cellar, he finds the ancient monk leaning over one of the original books crying. He asks the old monk what's wrong, and in a choked voice came the reply, "The word is 'celebrate.'" "You know 'that look' women get when they want sex? Me neither." - Tom Clancy PREGO - NO A MORE! That magical New Orleans couple, Harry and Elizabeth Anderson couldn't help themselves: When an Amsterdam jokes And much laughter evokes That's a Morey. When Canadians roast Marshmallows 'n' cocoa on toast, That's s'more, eh? When a stooge has some fun With his radiation gun -- That's a Moe ray. When Rebecca ain't cast, And her career's in the past -- That's DeMornay. Of a George we would say Down by Mexico way -- That's a Jorge'. When your Mexican boss Says, "Chocolate goes in the sauce" That's a mole'. "Those eager few who have been thirsting for a movie about a homosexual gang rape of a clown need wait no longer." -"Vulgar" reviwed by L.A. Times' Henry Sheehan DON'T GET TESTY WITH ME More alleged Answers from teachers, submitted by Ivan Berger: + One horsepower is energy it takes to drag a horse 500 feet in one second. + When they broke open molecules they found them only stuffed with atoms. But when they broke open atoms, they found them stuffed with explosions. + While the earth seems to be knowingly keeping its distance from the sun, it is really only centrificating. + Most books now say our sun is a star. But it still knows how to change back into a sun in the daytime. + Many dead animals of the past changed to fossils, others preferred to be oil. + We say the cause of perfume disappearing is evaporation. Evaporation gets blamed for a lot of things people forget to put the top on. + Rain is saved up in cloudbanks. "This foreign policy stuff is a little frustrating." - G.W.B., NY Daily News TELL 'EM PHIL SENT YA... I'm off to NYC for the weekend to see my daughter Kristin in the last performance of "Measure for Measure", but while I'm gone, you can amuse yourselves by visiting the following: For instance, firehead Dave Romm informs me that the Cab City Combo is offering a CD called "Cabbie Road" with a parody of the famous "Abbey Road" cover, "and four of the people in it are the Firesign Theatre!" http://www.std.org/strubin/ccc/ In ancient Rome, they used sponge sticks, French royalty once wiped with fine linen, and colonial Americans used corncobs. Now you can investigate the history of bathroom technology! http://abcnews.go.com/sections/us/WolfFiles/wolffiles.html "I'm not sure if Adam and Eve ever got married, but nobody talks about that," some brilliant child of God observed according to Dr. David Walker; and if you want the latest dope on the Son of God, go to: http://www.jesusoftheweek.com/jesii/239/index.html "Angels are always shown as being white, but the angels who saved me where all different colors." - L.A. Riots trucker victim Reginald Denny on Today ++++++++++++(MAY DAY, 2002)++++++++++ * FIRESIGN: http://www.firesigntheatre.com * FIREZINE: http://www.firezine.net * FIRESIGN STUFF: http://www.lodestone-media.com * RARE RE-RELEASES: http:// www.laugh.com * FUNNY TIMES: http://www.funnytimes.com -=-----=-= The secret of happiness is not getting what you like, but in liking what you get. -- James Barrie Today's Affirmation Miracles are occuring all around me. As I begin to notice them, I experience even more miracles. -=---=-=- XII. When I do count the clock that tells the time, And see the brave day sunk in hideous night; When I behold the violet past prime, And sable curls all silver'd o'er with white; When lofty trees I see barren of leaves Which erst from heat did canopy the herd, And summer's green all girded up in sheaves Borne on the bier with white and bristly beard, Then of thy beauty do I question make, That thou among the wastes of time must go, Since sweets and beauties do themselves forsake And die as fast as they see others grow; And nothing 'gainst Time's scythe can make defence Save breed, to brave him when he takes thee hence. -Magic Mike http://funandmagic.com/ Hi, I have been offline for a week with my computer down. It looked like a bad hard drive but was just a bad $15 cpu fan, heating up the cpu to halt. It was the original, 4 years old, on my IBM Aptiva AMD K6. But my trustworthy tech determined I didn't need a new hard drive after all and saved me $200. I am enjoying paying only $12.45 a month for Internet since I went to CogniSurf. It's a pretty fast 56k that I sell on my site if you are interested. I make 9% on it, so if you use it, it helps support my site. Here's a Planet Proctor from Hollyweird, as Phils calls it. Have a magic day and pass it on, Magic Mike http://funandmagic.com/ Danny said to his son, "It's time we had a little talk my son. Soon you will have urges and feelings you've never had before. Your heart will pound and your hands will sweat. You'll be preoccupied and won't be able to think of anything else." "But don't worry, it's perfectly normal ... it's called golf." -=-=---= Thought for the Day: To be happy with a man you must understand him a lot and love him a little. To be happy with a woman you must love her a lot and not try to understand her at all. -=-=-=-=-=- As a nightclub owner, I hired a pianist and a drummer to entertain my customers. After several performances, I discovered that the drummer had walked away with some of my valuables. I notified police, who arrested him. Desperate for another drummer, I called a friend who knew some musicians. "What happened to the drummer you had?" he asked me. "I had him arrested," I replied. We said good-bye and hung up. A few minutes later my friend called back and asked, "Just how badly did he play?" -=--=-=- The commuter approached the conductor. "This morning I accidentally left a bottle of Scotch on the train. By any chance, was it turned in to the lost and found?" "No," replied the conductor, "But the guy who found it was." -=---=-= (((((((((((((((((((((((((((PLANET PROCTOR 2002-11 - http://www.planetproctor.com "Two Palestinian women walking down the street. One turns to the other, 'Does my bomb make me look fat?'" - John Meyer THE GRAY CONSPIRACY (Co-conspirator Patty Paul uncovered this somewhere): Have you ever noticed that when you're of a certain age, everything seems uphill from where you are? Stairs are steeper. Groceries are heavier. And, everything is farther away. Yesterday I walked to the corner and I was dumbfounded to discover how long our street had become! And, you know, people are less considerate now, especially the young ones. They speak in whispers all the time! If you ask them to speak up they just keep repeating themselves, endlessly mouthing the same silent message until they're red in the face! What do they think I am, a lip reader? Another thing, everyone drives so fast today! You're risking life and limb if you just happen to pull onto the freeway in front of them. All I can say is, their brakes must wear out awfully fast, the way I see them screech and swerve in my rear view mirror. Clothing manufacturers are less civilized these days. Why else would they suddenly start labeling a size 10 or 12 dress as 18 or 20? Do they think no one notices that these things no longer fit around the waist, hips, thighs, and bosom? The people who make bathroom scales are pulling the same prank, but in reverse. Do they think I actually "believe" the number I see on that dial? HA! I would never let myself weigh that much! Just who do these people think they're fooling? I'd like to call up someone in authority to report what's going on, but the telephone company is in on the conspiracy too: they've printed the phone books in such small type that no one could ever find a number in here! All I can do is pass along this warning: Maturity is under attack! Unless something drastic happens, pretty soon "everyone" will have to suffer these awful indignities. PS: I am sending this to you in a larger font size, because something has caused fonts to be smaller than they once were too! "I'm too old to die young." Sheila Winston THE DEATH OF RADIO -- AGAIN Radio industry giant Clear Channel unveiled a brand new Radio innovation at a press conference earlier today. "This technology will put us at the forefront of today's radio landscape," Randy Michaels said, adding that "Radio will never be the same." Michaels was discussing Clear Channel's experimental "Live disc jockey" system, where an actual human being sits in a studio, takes requests, plays music, and talks during programming breaks. Industry analysts say this new technology could be a big moneymaker for Clear Channel. Another analyst predicted that the "live disc jockey" system will ultimately be profitable, but will experience growing pains, stating that: "Clear Channel can pull this off, but only with major cuts in other areas. consultant and voice-trackers everywhere will lose their jobs. It's going to be a bloodbath." The Society for Automation in Television, Internet and Radio Environments, or SATIRE, downplayed the day's developments. "Live humans make too many mistakes," argued one SATIRE member who did not want to divulge his name, adding "I sure hope Clear Channel doesn't go through with this. It could mean the death of our industry." <www.EdRyba.com "I hear Rodney King is now in drug rehab. Why can't we all just get high?" - Sheila Winston THE REBIRTH OF RADIO XM Radio's Dave Logan writes that a couple of months ago, XM submitted several entries to the New York Festival Awards which was instituted 44 years ago to honor excellence in communications media" "which touch the hearts and minds of readers, listeners and viewers worldwide." This year, 1,202 entries from 35 countries were submitted to the competition and guess who's in the running in the ADULT Programming category? No, not Carlin... *XM Comedy/Firesign Theatre/"Fools in Space" for Best Regularly Scheduled Comedy Program* Winners will be announced at a reception in New York on June 20th. "The famous business is a tough biz." - Lionel Richie THE SOUND OF SIMPSON (Homer Simpson's Beer Song) "DOUGH... the stuff... that buys me beer RAY... the guy that sells me beer ME... the one... who drinks the beer FAR... a long run to get beer SO... I'll have another beer LA... I'll have another beer TEA... no, thanks, I'm drinking beer That will bring us back to -- (sees his empty glass) -- D'OH!" "Give a man a free hand and he'll run it all over you." - Mae West IMPROPER CONDUCT Bob Joles says that a band director was having a lot of trouble with one of his drummers. He talked and talked and talked with the drummer, but performance didn't improve. Finally, in front of the whole orchestra, he said, "When a musician just can't handle his instrument and doesn't improve when given help, they take away the instrument, give him two sticks, and make him a drummer." A whisper was heard from the percussion section: "And if he can't handle even that, they take away one of his sticks and make him a conductor." "You need only two tools: WD-40 and duct tape. If it doesn't move and it should, use WD-40; if it moves and shouldn't, use the tape." - Canyongirl YOU GO, GIRL!!! Jack "He's No" Angel sent me this "Guide to Hiring Women" for WWII male supervisors from the July 1943 issue of Transportation Magazine. "There is no longer any question whether transit companies should hire women for jobs formerly held by men. The draft and manpower shortage has settled that point. The important things now are to select the most efficient women available and how to use them to the best advantage. Here are eleven helpful tips on the subject: 1. Pick young married women. They usually have more of a sense of responsibility than their unmarried sisters. They are less likely to be flirtatious because they need the work, or they would not be doing it; plus which, they still have the pep and interest to work hard and to deal with the public efficiently. 2. When you have to use older women, try to get ones who have worked outside the home at some time in their lives. Older women who have never contacted the public have a hard time adapting themselves and are inclined to be can'tankerous and fussy, so it is always well to impress upon older women, the importance of friendliness and courtesy. 3. General experience indicates that "husky" girls -- those who are just a little on the heavy side -- are more even-tempered and efficient than underweight sisters. 4. Retain a physician to give each woman you hire a special physical examination (one covering female conditions). This step not only protects the property against a lawsuit, but reveals whether the employee-to-be has any female weaknesses which would make her mentally or physically unfit for the job. 5. Stress at the outset, the importance of time; the fact that a minute or two lost here and there makes serious inroads on schedules. Until this point is gotten across, service is likely to be slowed up. 6. Give the female employee a definite day-long schedule of duties so that they will keep busy without bothering the management for instructions every few minutes. Numerous properties say that women make excellent workers when they have their jobs cut out for them, but that they lack initiative in finding work themselves. 7. Whenever possible, let the inside employee change from one job to another at some time during the day. Women are inclined to be less nervous and happier with change. 8. Give every girl an adequate number of rest periods during the day. You have to make some allowances for feminine psychology because a girl has more confidence and is more efficient if she can keep her hair tidied, apply fresh lipstick and wash her hands several times a day. 9. Be tactful when issuing instructions or in making criticisms. Women are often sensitive; they cannot shrug off harsh words the way men do. Never ridicule a woman -- it breaks her spirit and cuts off her efficiency. 10. Be reasonably considerate about using strong language around women. Even though a girl's husband or father may swear vociferously, she will grow to dislike a place of business where she hears too much of this. 11. Get enough size variety in operator's uniforms so that each girl can have a proper fit. This point cannot be stressed too much in keeping women happy." "As Orson Welles said, 'Police work is only easy in a police state.'" - Sam Longoria IT'S A RAP From Dean of Comedy Christopher comes this translation of Notorious B.I.G's "One More Chance (remix)" from the album "Ready to Die " -- "First things first, I poppa, freaks all the honeys/Dummies - playboy bunnies, those wantin' money/Those the ones I like 'cause they don't get nathan'/But penetration, unless it smells like sanitation./Garbage, I turn like doorknobs/Heart throb, never, black and ugly as ever./However, I stay coochied down to the socks/Rings and watch filled with rocks." TRANSLATION: As a general rule, I perform deviant sexual acts with women of all kinds, including but not limited to those with limited intellect, nude magazine models, and whores. I particularly enjoy sexual encounters with the latter group as they are generally disappointed in the fact that they only receive penile intercourse and nothing more, unless of course, they douche on a consistent basis. Although I am extremely unattractive, I am able to engage in these types of sexual acts with some regularity. Perhaps my sexuality is somehow related to my fancy and expensive jewelry. "And my jam knock in the Mitsubishi/Girls peepee when they see me,/Nava-hoes creep me in they teepee/As I lay down laws like I lay carpet/Stop it if you think your gonna make a profit." TRANSLATION: I enjoy playing my music loudly on my car stereo. Apparently, women enjoy this also because they become sexually aroused when they see me driving. Oddly enough, when I visit the Native American reservations, some of the more sexually promiscuous Indian women attempt to seduce me in their homes. Their intent is to divest me of my earnings. Such actions are unacceptable. "First I talk about how I dress and this/And diamond necklesses - stretch Lexuses/The sex is just immaculate from the back I get/Deeper and deeper - help ya reach the/Climax that your man can't make/Call and tell him you'll be home real late./Let's sing the break..." TRANSLATION: I prefer to open the conversation with light banter about my wardrobe and jewelry, then I like to discuss my collection of expensive cars. This is more than enough to convince you to have sexual intercourse with me. I am able to insert my penis further into you when I enter you from behind. Furthermore, you will be able to reach orgasm. I understand this to be a problem with your current sexual partner. He needn't be concerned about your whereabouts. Please phone him and inform him that you won't be home for a while. By the way, please sing the chorus of the song for me also. "Me and whoever, but not forever." - Anonymous FROM THE OL' CYBER BAG... "Leonard Maltin here... I've been meaning to drop you a note, because a few issues back (I'm always behind reading them) you mentioned a disc jockey who passed away, and noted that he'd invented characters with funny names like Niles Lishness. I don't know if others have mentioned this, but Niles Lishness was a Steve Allen name. "I always loved it, so I asked him about it one day, and he told me it was the actual name of someone he'd known while growing up in Chicago. It stuck with him and he just decided to use it later on. Now, THERE'S some useless information for you!" Then, Brian Westley sent me this creepy RadioNow "Princess Goddess" email: "Our aim is the 'resurrection' of actresses from the Golden era of silent cinema. To do this we are securing a large body of quality genetic material from a variety of sources which is subjected to rigorous testing to ensure its validity. Samples range from small tissue and blood samples to full bones and several preserved organs..." http://www.bonetrade.com/sma/azindex.html Finally, I found an item in the Times from a San Marcos medical courrier reporting the theft from his vehicle of "an ice chest containing human eyeballs"! Hey! Where were Porgie and Mudhead that night...? "You get the last rites of first refusal..." - Leigh French SHOES FOR THE DEAD! Also from FST webmaster Westley..."The archaeologist Dmitry Osipov studies medieval Russian footwear. This time he took an interest in ritual footwear used at funerals and now represented at an exhibition at the Museum of the Archaeology of Moscow. "The shoes of the dead look like shabby slippers without a sole and a heel.They are very soft, without any hard lining.The shoes were not fixed on the foot and obviously were useless for walking..." "The odds are good when the goods are odd." - Anonymous ++++++++++++(MAY 10, 2002)++++++++++ * FIRESIGN: http://www.firesigntheatre.com * FIREZINE: http://www.firezine.net * FIRESIGN STUFF: http://www.lodestone-media.com * RARE RE-RELEASES: http:// www.laugh.com * FUNNY TIMES: http://www.funnytimes.com PLANET PROCTOR (C) 2002 by Phil Proctor Have a magic day and pass it on, Magic Mike http://funandmagic.com/ Hi, Dave sent this and I thought I would forward it along. I hate the labeling and smearing of people who's views are not the same. Left hates Right, Republicans hate Democrats, Conservatives hate Liberals. It seems to me, a wise person would be in the Middle, using the best ideas from each and rejecting the worst ideas of each. But many Republicans are on a vicious agenda. I am forwarding this article as food for thought. -Mike Howdy Y'all, This here writer says it pretty good. Dave Why I Am A Democrat May 9, 2002 By Rebecca Knight ~~~~~ "I am a firm believer in the people. If given the truth, they can be depended upon to meet any national crisis. The great point is to bring them the real facts." Abraham Lincoln ~~~~~ I remember a time when I respected the Republican Party. I hate to admit it now, but I have even voted for Republicans in the past. However, over the years the Republican Party has become a powerful political force that espouses moralistic attacks for the sole purpose of winning. As I watched this happen, my respect for the Party dwindled, not over political policy or issues, but over political strategy. Why? Because of the hypocrisy. There are no innocent politicians. They have all compromised their integrity at some point. Politicians must compromise on issues and legislation or nothing would be accomplished. But political parties have an obligation to represent their beliefs and their philosophies with honesty so that Americans can cast their votes with confidence. The Republican Party chose a tactical path of duplicity. They chose power over integrity. Honor had ceased to matter. Winning was the only thing. They steadily built their power by accusing the Democratic Party of the very things they themselves were guilty of. ~~~~~ "The coming battle for the hearts and minds of Americans is ultimately a battle between civilization and barbarism." ~~~~~ A little history is evidence of my contentions. Think back to when the Republican Party was strongly anti-Communism and Communism's destruction was the primary issue of their campaigns and their governing. It was a key element in the election and administration of President Ronald Reagan. The Reagan/Bush administration, in their zeal to rid the world of Communism, became embroiled in the Iran/Contra scandal. During that period, Republicans were willing to overlook the subverting of the Constitution, breaking of the law, lying to Congress, and shredding of evidence. Their anger at being faced with such charges led them to accuse the Democrats of scandal politics. They were determined not to let 10 years of anti-Communist policies be discredited by Democrats with a vendetta against Reagan. So, the Republican Party determined that breaking the law was excusable in the fight against Communism. Henry Hyde defended the lies of Oliver North in the name of a higher moral good. Hyde said, "All of us at some time confront conflicts between rights and duties, between choices that are evil and less evil, and one hardly exhausts moral imagination by labeling every untruth and every deception an outrage." So much for truth, justice, and the American way, Henry. The result was that the Republican Party endorsed lying under oath and obstructing justice on a critical matter of NATIONAL SECURITY. The lesson of Iran/Contra for the Republican Party was that constitutional principles and civility in politics could be sacrificed for the achievement of their righteous goal of ridding the world of Communism. Their ends justified the means; even though their means went against everything our system of government is based upon. ~~~~~ "Making a good-faith effort and being ideologically sound will be less important than advancing the goals of the movement." ~~~~~ Next came the Reagan nomination of Robert Bork to the Supreme Court, which was the culmination of a strategy to force a right-wing economic and social agenda on the country through judicial appointments. It was a part of a secretive legal network called the Federalist Society, which was devoted to restricting privacy rights, reproductive freedoms, rolling back civil rights gains, and cutting back governmental regulation of industry. Members of the Federalist Society who worked in the Reagan Administration were Edwin Meese, Theodore Olson, Kenneth Starr, and Clarence Thomas. They believed in stripping away civil rights, voting rights, and environmental and consumer protections. They also supported discriminatory practices by cities, local schools, and religious institutions. Democrats and interest groups gradually rallied support against the Bork nomination by portraying him as a judicial extremist whose conservative views would roll back the country's commitment to civil rights, privacy and individual liberties. Bork may also have hurt his own chances with an emphatic defense of his views, instead of taking a conciliatory approach, while testifying before the Senate Judiciary Committee. Bork was rejected 58-42 by a full Senate vote in October 1987 following a fierce four-month confirmation struggle. Republicans were appalled and accused the Democrats of a smear campaign. They took away from the Bork episode a no-holds-barred attitude and felt it gave them license to mount a campaign of revenge and retribution against liberals. ~~~~~ "We will maintain a constant barrage of criticism against the Left. We will attack the very legitimacy of the Left. We will not give them a moment's rest." ~~~~~ The rise of Rush Limbaugh played a vital role in cementing this fundamental change in the Republican Party strategy. Limbaugh found his niche during the Reagan years by delivering outrageous right-wing commentary on the radio. He discovered there was big money in bashing the Left and he ran with it, calling himself a "journalist in relentless pursuit of the truth." In truth, he was a proponent of disinformation and somehow his listeners believed every word without bothering to check his factual accuracy. Limbaugh claimed no one was indicted in Iran/Contra, when in fact there were 14 indictments. Limbaugh suggested that Congress had opposed the Gulf War, when in fact both houses authorized it. Limbaugh cast the country as a war between "our" values versus "their" values; a hypocritical stance if ever there was one, since Limbaugh at that time was twice married and did not attend church. He played to cultural anger against women, minorities, and gays. And while doing this he proclaimed himself as "your epitome of morality and virtue." Limbaugh's chronic inaccuracy, and his lack of accountability, wouldn't be such a problem if Limbaugh were just a cranky entertainer. But Limbaugh is taken seriously. The Right welcomed him with open arms. William Bennett even called Limbaugh "possibly our greatest living American." The Right embraced what amounted to vitriolic, hate-filled, unsubstantiated rhetoric. ~~~~~ "We will use guerrilla tactics to undermine the legitimacy of the dominant regime. We will take advantage of every available opportunity to spread the idea that there is something fundamentally wrong with the existing state of affairs." ~~~~~ In the 1988, George H. W. Bush ran for President against Michael Dukakis. The Bush campaign, bitter from the Bork defeat, used wedge cultural issues to their fullest by employing strategists Roger Ailes and Lee Atwater. With the backing of big money and slick advertising, the Bush campaign managed to insinuate an entire vocabulary about the campaign into press coverage. The reporting on the Dukakis record on crime is illustrative. Here the Republicans secured the complicity of the press in renaming convicted murderer William Horton, in redefining the relationship between Horton's Maryland victims, in adopting such words as "torture" and "terrorize" to describe his actions while on furlough, in defining the furlough program's purpose as dispensing "weekend passes," and in talking of the policy as a "revolving door." Each of these acts of naming biased the discussion against Dukakis. Each was inaccurate. To the extent that the Republicans were able to set this language in place, however, they demonstrated the power of ads, reinforced by candidate speeches, and campaign hype, to manipulate the news. They unfairly painted Dukakis as not only unfit to be President, but also un-American. ~~~~~ "The movement must be willing to appear obnoxious." ~~~~~ George H. W. Bush became the 41st President while Communism was collapsing around the world taking away the Republicans' most reliable issue. They faced a time when they had to identify an issue other than Communism to focus on, one that would rally the Right. They determined that the big unfinished agenda was social issues, especially abortion. They championed the role of defending and fostering "basic American values" as if the ideals belonged solely to them, which is patently untrue. Movers and shakers of the Republican Party during this period were Paul Weyrich, founder of The Heritage Foundation, William Bennett, Jerry Falwell, and Newt Gingrich. Ironically the first victim of this new strategy was a Republican Senator, John Tower of Texas, and President Bush's nominee for defense secretary. The beginning of the end for Tower came on Jan. 31, 1989. On that day, Paul Weyrich testified at Tower's confirmation hearing that there were questions about his "moral character" and personal life that needed further investigation. This testimony supported the rumor that Tower was a drunk and a womanizer. Though the charges were unproven, they were believed, and they sunk Tower's nomination. His was the first rejection of a cabinet nominee in more than 30 years. Weyrich's testimony and the acceptance of his portrayal of Tower without validation fundamentally changed the way political battles were fought. It also energized the Christian Right, which for the most part had believed the private lives of politicians were fair game. Weyrich had demonstrated the power of sexual politics, of making unproven allegations, and of using judgment and character to discredit opponents. A new McCarthyism had reared its ugly head. ~~~~~ "We must be feared, so that they will think twice before opening their mouths." ~~~~~ Newt Gingrich rose to power by accepting these tactics and using them to their fullest extent. He found success, as did other Republicans, by using the culture war to demonize and condemn those who were "different." He was an opportunist. He was against government except for defense. He declared war on the domestic enemy, the Democratic Party, and the "corrupt liberal welfare state." He portrayed the differences in the two parties as moral rather than political and his approach permeated the Republican Party. He produced a list of hot button words to portray the Democratic Party as "sick, grotesque, loony, stupid, corrupt, anti-family, and traitors." It was so outrageous and so hysterically partisan it was hard to understand how anyone could take it seriously. Yet, the Republican Party did take it seriously. They built a political scheme based on hatred. They pursued it with all the vigor they could muster. ~~~~~ "We must learn to treat leftists as natural disasters or rabid dogs. If we act as if this were in fact true (of course, it is not), we will not needlessly expend our energy on being upset with our opponents." ~~~~~ The Republican Party most abusively applied these hypocritical strategies during the eight years of the Clinton administration. These strategies were responsible for the acrimony between Republican Congressional leaders and the Clinton White House, hampering progress, killing needed legislation, and taking the focus off the real business of the nation. It was at the very foundation of the many investigations into the Clintons' private and public lives. It was the shadow in the background of Congress regarding every move the Republican leaders made for eight years. It was the power behind the Starr Independent Counsel report to Congress. It almost brought about the removal from office of a duly elected President of the United States. One can debate the legal issues regarding the Clinton Impeachment and subsequent Senate trial, but one cannot deny that the Republican strategy of win at all cost was a monumentally divisive element for the Clinton Presidency. ~~~~~ "This is not to discount the importance of reminding ourselves on a regular basis why we ought to hate leftist ideology, in order to keep ourselves motivated to better fight it." ~~~~~ The hypocrisy was and still is astounding as many of the Right Wing lives secretly with the same flawed characters they denounce publicly. Eventually this became evident in the case of Newt Gingrich and other Republican leaders who have admitted they were not living up to these standards themselves and are no longer serving in their powerful positions. ~~~~~ "We must reframe this struggle as a moral struggle, as a transcendent struggle, as a struggle between good and evil." ~~~~~ If anyone should doubt that the Republican Party is accepting of the very elements they denounce in the Democratic Party, they need look no farther than the current Bush administration. Among the appointments made by President George Bush are two men who were heavily involved in Iran/Contra. John M. Poindexter, Bush's head of the Information Awareness Office, was convicted of conspiracy, false statements, destruction and removal of records, and obstruction of Congress. The convictions were overturned by an appellate court on the grounds Poindexter had been granted immunity in his testimony on the matter before Congress. Elliot Abrams, Bush's director of the National Security Council's office for democracy, human rights and international operations, pleaded guilty to withholding information from Congress. President George H. W. Bush pardoned him. This is irrefutable evidence of the double standard that exists within the Republican Party. It does not take much imagination to understand what the Republican Party stance toward President Clinton would have been had he appointed two men with such backgrounds. ~~~~~ "For example, we will go to public lectures given by leftists and ask them "impolite" and highly critical questions. We must, of course, be fully prepared beforehand for these sorts of excursions, and we must also be prepared to embarrass ourselves, especially at first." ~~~~~ In my opinion, this type of vitriol by one political party routinely targeted at another is the worst aspect of American politics. The Republican Party has adopted a political strategy in which they knowingly and willingly, for the sake of winning elections and gaining more political power, embrace a policy of destroying the opposition through slanderous lies about personal lives or through a fabricated "cultural war." It has caused political discourse to sink to new lows. No political party is totally void of corruption and personal failings. But it is wrong of one party to sanctimoniously denounce the other party for some of the very things it is guilty of. It is the height of hypocrisy. ~~~~~ "Our people must learn to have contempt and scorn for the wider society, and reject it in all ways." ~~~~~ These are the reasons I will remain a Democrat for the rest of my life. ~~~~~ "If you tell a lie big enough and keep repeating it people will eventually come to believe it." - Joseph Goebbels ~~~~~ Quotes between paragraphs are excerpts of Republican tactical strategies from documents published on line by Free Congress Foundation, Center for Cultural Conservatism, The Integration of Theory and Practice: A Program for the New Traditionalist Movement. Author of this article may be contacted at: tennessee_gal655@yahoo.com Hi, Howdy, and Hello! "Stonehenge, four thousand year old monument to the Sun, provides an appropriate setting for this delightful snapshot of the Sun's children gathering in planet Earth's sky. While the massive stone structure dates from around 2000 B.C., this arrangement of the visible planets was recorded only a few days ago on the evening of May 4th, 2002 A.D. Bright Jupiter stands highest above the horizon at the upper left. A remarkable, almost equilateral triangle formed by Saturn (left), Mars (top), and Venus (right) is placed just above the stones near picture center. Fighting the glow of the setting sun, Mercury can be spotted closest to the horizon, below and right of the planetary triad. Still easy to enjoy for casual sky gazers, this photogenic and slowly shifting planetary grouping will be joined by a young crescent Moon beginning Monday, May 13." -APOD See it as one of my 900plus photolinks at http://funandmagic.com/photolinks2.htm . I saw a bumper sticker here in Seattle that said, "Good Planets Are Hard To Find". I got some jokes and a Molly Ivins column for you. Someone told me she is dying of cancer, as most of us are. If it is true, I wish her hope and healing. She is based out of the Fort Worth Star-Telegram and she is sharp as Ocam's Razor on politics, shaving back the stumble to see the truth. Have a magic day, Magic Mike http://funandmagic.com/ Here's some new signs and some repeats. Signs of the times... some very catchy slogans business owners have come up with... Plumber: "We repair what your husband Fixed." Pizza shop slogan: "7 days without pizza makes one Weak." Door of a plastic surgeons office: "Hello, can we pick your nose?" Sign at the psychic's Hotline: "Don't call us, we'll call you." At A Laundry Shop: "How about we refund your money, send you a new one at no charge, close the store and have the manager shot. Would that be satisfactory?" At a Towing Company: "We don't charge an arm and a leg. We want tows." On an Electricians truck: "Let us remove your shorts." On Maternity Room Door: "Push, Push, Push." On a Taxidermist's window: "We really know our stuff." On a Butchers window: "Let me meat your needs." On a fence: "Salesman Welcome, Dog food is expensive." On a desk in a reception room: "We shoot every 3rd salesman , and the 2nd one just left." In a Veterinarians waiting room: "Be back in 5 minutes, Sit! Stay!" On the door of a Computer Store: "Out for a quick byte." In a Restaurant window: "Don't stand there and be hungry, come on in and get fed up." In the front yard of a funeral home: "Drive carefully, we'll wait." -=-==-=-=-=-= Posted on Sun, May. 12, 2002 Pondering what's next for the Axis of Incompetence AUSTIN - We seem to be having a hail of news that fails to amaze. Israel has been attacked by another suicide bomber. Ariel Sharon, so memorably described by President Bush as "a man of peace," had to rush home to continue his policy of tit-for-tat, which he has so brilliantly demonstrated does not work. Of course, Sharon is also demanding that Yasser Arafat `do something' about the terrorists. This adds an even more surreal element of black comedy to the tragedy. Assuming that Arafat is not himself the head terrorist, as Sharon claims, with what exactly is he supposed to do anything? Sharon has been destroying Arafat's Palestinian Authority piece by piece for months now and has just finished an attack that demolished the last elements. Even assuming he had the will, Arafat has no way. Sharon has put Hamas and Hezbollah in charge. Anyone who is surprised by the result probably thinks Sharon `is' a man of peace. Also less than staggering is the news that Enron execs were "gaming the system" (isn't that a lovely euphemism?) during the California "energy crisis" last summer. I like the con they named "Death Star," where they started by deliberately overscheduling the state's power grid, threatening to overload it, so they could charge the state for delivering the "excess capacity" out of state, where the Californians couldn't keep track of it. They got so good at this that they finally never even bought the "excess energy" they were charging California `not' to deliver. Isn't that a great scam? I'm not sure I understand the "Fat Boy" or "Get Shorty" scams yet. P.J. O'Rourke, that amusing fellow, recently reported in `The Atlantic Monthly': "Christopher Buckley and I were having a drink at the Warren Harding Club not long ago, and discussing the Bipartisan Campaign Reform Act of 2002. It's wonderful, we agreed, that campaign finance is being reformed. The previous system of raising campaign funds was a shocking disgrace. From 1989 to 2001, Enron contributed almost $6 million to candidates of both parties, and got what for its money? Lawsuits, subpoenas, Justice Department investigations, congressional hearings, and a parade of elected officials besmirching the reputations of Enron executives and vilifying the company name. `I trust,' said Christopher, `that the new legislation -- whatever it is -- will put an end to that kind of thing.' " Ha-ha-ha. Aren't those conservatives a hoot? What a swell time they must have at these right-wing raves. Yep, the notion that we might need campaign finance reform in this country is certainly a knee-slapper, given poor, over-regulated Enron's hard times. Of course, one could argue that what Enron got for its $6 million in campaign contributions was: * The 1992 decision to deregulate energy futures markets. * The Phil Gramm ($97,000 in contributions) legislation that exempted key parts of Enron from government oversight. * The Bush administration's energy policy. * The Bush administration's decision to drop the effort to go after off-shore money laundering (Enron had more than 800 offshore accounts). * Enron executive Thomas White as secretary of the Army, where he promptly moved to privatize the Army's energy needs. * A weakened and underfunded Securities and Exchange Commission. * Energy deregulation in California and elsewhere, through bills largely written by energy lobbyists. California Gov. Gray Davis said Tuesday: "About $30 billion was extorted from this state. Those who claimed that there was no price manipulation here were just plain wrong." But then, Davis has no sense of humor. And in yet another development that will not leave you gasping, the Bush administration has pulled us out of the International Criminal Court Treaty, signed by President Clinton but never ratified by the Senate. Our U.N. ambassador for war crimes issues (I didn't know we had one), Pierre-Richard Prosper, wrote Kofi Annan that the treaty is a "flawed document." You might think we would stand fearlessly and foursquare against war crimes, and in favor of international justice and accountability. But you would be thinking of cases like the Rwanda genocide and Slobodan Milosevic. The administration is afraid that Henry Kissinger can still be indicted. This is the kind of thing that gets us a reputation for not giving a flying fig what the rest of the world thinks about anything. "Axis of Incompetence" is how the `American Prospect' magazine describes Bush's foreign policy. Harold Meyerson writes: "If the administration's foreign policy apparat (minus the increasingly isolated Colin Powell) were placed under one roof - Rice, Rumsfeld and Reich; Perle, Wolfowitz, Cheney and Bush - what watchword would be inscribed over the door? No, not, `Abandon all hope, ye who enter' . . . but an inscription from another immortal, Casey Stengel . . . `Can't anybody here play this game?' " The Middle East is a terribly difficult situation, which nobody can deny, but there is a creeping sense that the Bush administration is just not up to this problem. Molly Ivins writes for Creators Syndicate I did a search for a game I played as a kid, called Beeries. I couldn't find it. But a Google search for bottle cap game found Scully, another name for the game we played with bottle caps on a drawn field. My Dad taught it to us on a Sunday drive to BlackHawk State Park in Illinois, when I was 10 years old, in 1957. We were hanging out and there was a large asphalt area near our spot and he rememebered the game and taught us. When we moved back to Northeast Philadelphia, in Buselton, we taught the kids there. He had played it earlier than that of course. I will have to ask him how and where he learned. None of the people below knew the rules. Here they are. After the shooting order was determined ( closest to a line?) You played like croquet. But you used your finger and thumb to "snap" against the bottle cap to send it carefully sailing across the playing field. We made four feet between boxes. A box could be 6 to 12 inches square. So our board in the street was about 10x10 or 15x15. You got another turn getting you bottle cap to stop in the right box. You got 2 turns hitting someone. You could "slam" a piece like in crochet after hitting it, spending a move. After doing the course, and going back, you became "poison" and hitting caps killed them. You could play last piece left wins or first to finish and land back in "Poison Square in the middle wins. So it was like a city kid's croquet, when there are no lawns and no money for game equipment. We used chalk, but concrete or drywall pieces worked to draw and was free. We made shooting the caps a fine art, like pool. Magic Mike Date: Tue, 29 Jul 1997 23:06:54 -0400 From: mike marks Subject: scully back in the 60's we played a game called scully using bottle caps. i was wondering if anybody knows the real rules , how to make the board and if there are regulation size boards ? or if you ever herd about it . if so i would appreciate feed back thanks mike marks .- - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - .- - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - .- - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - .- - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - ---- Date: Sat, 20 Sep 1997 17:21:40 -0800 From: Jesse Burgheimer Subject: Answer to a July Query -- 'Scully' game I have some info for Mike Marks, as well as anyone else who cares, about the game that I loved as a kid, 'Scully'. I'm trying to revive it myself, and I still can't get enough info on it to teach it to anyone. All I know is this: Scully is a game played on a sidewalk and uses a small, drawn-out court about 3 x 3 feet in area. Each player needs a personal Scully 'chip,' which are actually bottle caps placed top side down. (Our Scully chips were made with melted crayon in the dish of the bottle cap, which not only helped identify each seperate players' chip, but added weight, friction, and leverage to the chip, as well as a chance to get creative.) The Scully court had this square shape (I believe): _______________________ |1 | |5 | 7| | 3| |--() ------- ---| | S C U L L Y | | ________ | |___ |\XXXX/| ___| |12| |X\__/X| |11| |--| |X|13|X| |--| |10| |X/--\X| | 9| |--- |/XXXX\| ---| | -------- | | | |___ _______ ___| |4 | |6 | 8| | 2| .- - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - ---- ...And you would basically place your Scully chip (the bottle cap) on the circle near the 1 box, and 'shoot' it (flick it across the ground with index or middle finger) into the number 2 box. The best shoot should get the chip inside the box, like a golf green. You would repeat this in numerical order up to 13, which is surrounded by a game-forfit zone (We called it 'No Man's Land' -- you don't want to land there!). Upon landing on the coveted 13 box, you must then travel back through each number down to 1, where the game ends. Each player shoots their chips sequentially, so the sooner you land each chip into the next box, the better. The first player to send their chip from box 1 to 13 and back to 1 again is the winner. It's a game best enjoyed in numbers -- like poker, four is the general number of players. But it can still be played solitarily, with one person shooting the Scully chip for practice, skill, or just amusement. .- - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - .- - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - .- - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - .- - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - ---- I hope this answers your questions about Scully. Truthfully, I just told you all I know about the game, and trying to research it is like trying to dig a tunnel with a paper clip -- it's next to impossible!!! I tried doing a search for it on the internet, but I ran into to nothing but X-Files stuff, which ironically, the female character has the name Scully. I just might make a Scully game web page, because, as far as I can tell, it doesn't exist on the Internet! Please e-mail me if you have some Scully knowledge to share... __ Jesse D. Burgheimer ______________ To e-mail, please remove __ __ xtimer@COCA-COLAwenet.net ________ the "COCA-COLA" from the __ __ http://www.wenet.net/~xtimer _____ e-mail address. It's to __ __ I can't believe it's not edible! _ thwart that horrid SPAM! __ .- - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - .- - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - .- - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - .- - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - ---- Date: Sun, 21 Sep 1997 20:54:39 -0400 From: J Marino (marino@injersey.com) Subject: scully on www.gamecabinet.com I'm in hunt of the same thing - rules for scully. I remember, having played the game on the East Coast (Brooklyn, NY) in the late 60's and eqarly 70's. I always wondered if it was a New York game like Jihnny on the pony and stick ball. Any feedback on scully rules yet? I can only recall the chalk drawn board (on the street) with nine circles and shooting your bottle cap at the other player's caps to knock them out of position and advance your position in the game. Sort of like croquet. Hi, I was doing magic for people at Seattle Center near the space needle and a woman was so amazed she gave me a loud, "Ai Carumba!". I thought people only said that in movies. It made me laugh. I don't know the literal translation, be I am happy to think it just means Ai Carumba! I hope you enjoyed that wonderful sunset photo of Stongehenge with Planets. By the way, there is a replica of Stonehenge here in Washington State. I saw an incredible total eclipse there at eight in the morning in 1979. Today I choose as a desktop wallpaper background NGC 4676, When Mice Collide, one of the recent photos made with Hubble's new equipment. These two galaxies are pulling each other apart. Known as "The Mice" because they have such long tails. http://funandmagic.com/photolinks2.htm I have 3 Shakespeare sonnets for you and Phil "Firesign Theater" Proctor with a Planet Orbit from Hollywood. Sort of a "Battle Of The Bards". Go Phil! You da man! Have a magic day, Magic Mike http://funandmagic.com/ XIII. O, that you were yourself! but, love, you are No longer yours than you yourself here live: Against this coming end you should prepare, And your sweet semblance to some other give. So should that beauty which you hold in lease Find no determination: then you were Yourself again after yourself's decease, When your sweet issue your sweet form should bear. Who lets so fair a house fall to decay, Which husbandry in honour might uphold Against the stormy gusts of winter's day And barren rage of death's eternal cold? O, none but unthrifts! Dear my love, you know You had a father: let your son say so. XIV. Not from the stars do I my judgment pluck; And yet methinks I have astronomy, But not to tell of good or evil luck, Of plagues, of dearths, or seasons' quality; Nor can I fortune to brief minutes tell, Pointing to each his thunder, rain and wind, Or say with princes if it shall go well, By oft predict that I in heaven find: But from thine eyes my knowledge I derive, And, constant stars, in them I read such art As truth and beauty shall together thrive, If from thyself to store thou wouldst convert; Or else of thee this I prognosticate: Thy end is truth's and beauty's doom and date. XV. When I consider every thing that grows Holds in perfection but a little moment, That this huge stage presenteth nought but shows Whereon the stars in secret influence comment; When I perceive that men as plants increase, Cheered and cheque'd even by the self-same sky, Vaunt in their youthful sap, at height decrease, And wear their brave state out of memory; Then the conceit of this inconstant stay Sets you most rich in youth before my sight, Where wasteful Time debateth with Decay, To change your day of youth to sullied night; And all in war with Time for love of you, As he takes from you, I engraft you new. (((((((((((((((((((((((((((PLANET PROCTOR 2002-13 - http://www.planetproctor.com "It could be worse. I could be Sting." - Ozzie Osbourne on "The Osbournes" THE PLANET LOSES ITS MASTER Planet Proctor's webmaster, Lew "Tiny Dr.Tim" Tebbetts, suddenly passed away Saturday last. His partner, Connie informed us that he had been sick the week before with a viral infection and apparently succumbed to a heart attack. "I really hope you can find someone to take care of your Planet Proctor," Connie says, "Lew spent many hours trying to make it just right so you would be proud of it. It was probably the most fun he had." Lew was a terrific collaborator and it will be tough to find someone like him; but if any of you want to control a Planet, I'll be happy to talk to you about it. You can send condolences to Connie at cinammon@eagleserver.com "Not all those that wander are lost." - J.R.R. Tolkien WHO AM US ANYWAY? A middle-aged woman had a heart attack and was taken to the hospital, where she had a near death experience on the operating table. Coming face-to-face with God she asked, "Is my time up?" "No, my dear," said God, "You have another 43 years, 2 months and 8 days to live." Upon her recovery, knowing she had so much more time, she figured she might as well make the most of it. So she stayed on for a facelift, some liposuction, and a tummy tuck. She even changed her hair color. After her last elective, she was released but while crossing the street to the parking structure, she was run over by an ambulance. Arriving in front of God, she demanded, "I thought you said I had another 40 years? Why didn't you pull me from out of the path of that ambulance?" God replied, "I didn't recognize you"! "[Alfred Hitchcock] pulled up his shirt to show me his belly button - which he didn't have. He'd had an operation and when they sewed him up, they took it away. His belly button was gone!" - Karen Black quoted in "Funny Times" by Jon Winokur FORE-PLAY The Rules of Bedroom Golf. 1. Each player shall furnish his own equipment for play - one club & two balls. 2. Play on a course must be approved by the owner of the hole. 3. The object is to get the club in the hole and keep the balls out. 4. The club should have a firm shaft. Course owners are permitted to check shaft stiffness before play begins. 5. Course owners reserve the right to measure the length of the club to avoid damage to the hole. 6. The object of the game is to take as many strokes as necessary until the course owner is satisfied that play is complete. Failure to do so may result in being denied permission to play the course again. 7. It is considered bad form to begin playing the hole immediately upon arrival at the course. Take time to admire the course, with special attention to the well-formed bunkers. 8. Players are cautioned not to mention other courses they have played or are currently playing. Upset course owners have been known to damage a player's equipment for this reason. 9. Players are encouraged to have proper rain gear along, just in case. 10. Players should assure themselves that their match has been properly scheduled. particularly when a new course is being played for the first time. Previous players have been known to become irate if they discover someone else playing what they consider to be a private course. 11. Players should not assume that the course is in shape for play at all times. Some players may be embarrassed if they find the course to be temporarily under repair. More experienced players will find alternate means of play when this is the case. 12. Players are advised to obtain the course owner's permission before attempting to play the back nine. 13. Slow play is encouraged; however, players should be prepared to proceed at a quicker pace at the course owner's request. 14. It is considered outstanding performance, time permitting, to play the same hole several times in one match. 15. The course owner will be the sole judge of who is the best player. 16. Players are advised to think twice before considering membership at a given course. Additional assessments may be levied by the course owner and the rules are subject to change. (For this reason many players prefer to continue to play several different courses.) "Myth when it's brand new is called truth." - Astronaut Edgar Mitchell in "Branches" EAT THIS I went to school with Timothy Zagat and I don't recall that he ever rated the Riverdale cafeteria, but here's some unpublished (and unpublishable) comments on restaurants submitted by consumers to the Zagat website... "Abandon tastebuds all ye who enter here! Duck must have had a long flight -- tired, tough and took 90 minutes to arrive. Wonder why there aren't any cats in Chinatown? Eat here. Dishes look like road kill; the Bronx Zoo with food, where you can eat the cast of 'Bambi'. How do you say 'loser' in Chinese? Should be renamed 'Barfing Dog.' Took a doggie bag home -- the dog refused it. "The look might be French but the staff is Martian. "Waiters just back from the Jihad. Be sure to sit in the no-shooting section. Today's special? Body Piercing. I've seen better service in a self-help gas station, but I have to praise them for hiring the mentally handicapped. "The immature eating the inedible. Gay Chuck E. Cheese. Where the boys can be girls and no one will notice. Like oh my Gawd, like can you believe how cool I am? "Hi, I'm obviously underage. Margarita, please." Portions so small I started laughing -- prices so high I started crying. Only an accountant could like it. "Slim's -- at least they got the name right. Also known as Ebola Cafe. Caught recycling wine not finished by diners. Eat the crayons; they taste like the calamari. Food is icky, tables are sticky, waitress has a hickey, stay home if you're picky. Tums, please. Wear black and bring Maalox. " (On the other hand...) "Food as good as an orgasm. Take your date here and you will be "closing" later that night. So romantic that wives feel like mistresses and vice versa. If this place doesn't get you laid, nothing will. Seductio ad absurdum." "A glass of beer garnished with an olive is known as 'a poor man's martini.'"- Phil's Phunny Phacts TO SCREW OR NOT TO SCREW... How many actors does it take to screw in a light bulb? 100 -- one to do it and 99 to say, "I could've done that." How many stunt men? Five. One to screw it in and four to tell him how bitchin' he looked doin' it. How many Superstar Actors? One - (They just hold it and the whole world revolves around them.) How many Directors? - "Just one more, guys, I promise." How many Agents? (Actually, agents will screw in just about anything.) How many Studio Executives? (We don't know. Light bulbs last longer than they do.) Executive Producers? (Executive Producers only screw in a hot tub.) How many Development Executives? "Well, first let's talk about the concept behind this whole 'light bulb' thing. I'll take notes while my partner screws it into the faucet. " How many Screenwriters? "The bulbs IN, and it's staying IN!" Art directors? "Does it have to be a light bulb? I've got this neat candle holder..." Camera Assistants? Five: One to do it, and four to tell you how they did it on the last job. Wardrobe people? "Nobody said I needed doubles on that!" Film Editors? "If we change the light bulb, we'll have to change everything." And Sound Recordists? "...WHAT?" How many PA's? "One. No, two, no -- how many do we have on the truck?" 1st AD's? "Why the f--k are you asking me that question? Can't you see I'm busy?" Grips? "That's electric's job; but I'll hold it if you hammer it in." And finally, Union Lighting Technicians -- "It's not a bulb, dufus, it's a globe." "I would kill for this job, but the people I want to kill are offering me the job." - Woody Allen in "Hollywood Ending" LIGHTS OUT... ...for Dr. Hugh Hicks, at 79, a dentist whose obsession with electric lightbulbs led to a museum of sorts in his Baltimore basement containing about 10,000 of his fabled collection of 75,000 bulbs. Rarities included Edison originals, a bulb from Ms. Liberty's torch, a dashboard light from the Enola Gay and headlamps from Hitler and Himmler's limos (say that 3 times fast). Also, Jon Delfin informs us that Joseph Lowenbach Steiner, a co-founder of the company that made toys like the "Easy-Bake Oven", died recently in a suburb of Cincinnati at 95. His remains were cremated with a 40-watt bulb. (Jon added that last part.) "There, but for the grace of God, goes God." - John Houseman on Orson Welles, from Tony Palermo in "Radiodrama Digest" KNIT WIT My sister-in-law, Carole Peterson says that the airport security screeners forced a little old lady to open her carry-on bag after spotting something in the x-ray image. They found and confiscated a pair of knitting needles. The LOL swore she was just going to do some knitting and would never hurt anyone with the needles, but the Security Supervisor told her, "Sorry. We can't take a chance that you might knit an Afghan." "Revenge is not a payment of a debt, but rather a loan of violence to be returned with interest at some future date." - Tom Simmons in "Branches" TRICK QUESTIONS! (Passing requires 4 correct answers) 1) How long did the Hundred Years War last? 2) Which country makes Panama hats? 3) From which animal do we get catgut? 4) In which month do Russians celebrate the October Revolution? 5) What is a camel's hair brush made of? 6) The Canary Islands in the Pacific are named after what animal? 7) What was King George VI's first name? 8) What color is a purple finch? 9) Where are Chinese gooseberries from? Check your answers below! "I was at the Skirball Museum and spotted a sign by a conference room that read: 'Laughter Seminar cancelled due to a death in the family. Your money will be cheerfully refunded.'" - Michael Sheehan WORKING OUT Wayne Newitt forwarded us these resumes from "Fortune" Magazine: "I have lurnt Word Perfect 6.0 computor and spreadsheet pogroms. Am a perfectionist and rarely if if ever forget details. Received a plague for Salesperson of the Year. Wholly responsible for two (2) failed financial institutions. Instrumental in ruining entire operation for a Midwest chainstore. References: none. I've left a path of destruction behind me. Reason for leaving last job: maturity leave. "Failed bar exam with relatively high grades. Finished eighth in class of ten I was working for my mom until she decided to move. It's best for employers that I not work with people. Personal interests: donating blood. Fourteen gallons so far. My goal is to be a meteorologist. But since I possess no training in Meteorology, I suppose I should try stock brokerage "Please don't misconstrue my 14 jobs as 'job-hopping'. I have never quit a job. The company made me a scapegoat, just like my three previous employers. I have an excellent track record, although I am not a horse. Marital status: often. Children: various. Let's meet, so you can 'ooh' and 'aah' over my experience." "A man should not strive to eliminate his complexes but to get into accord with them. They are legitimately what directs his conduct in the world." ~ Sigmund Freud TRICK ANSWERS 1) How long did the Hundred Years War last? 116 years 2) Which country makes Panama hats? Ecuador 3) From which animal do we get cat gut? Sheep and Horses 4) In which month do Russians celebrate the October Revolution? November 5) What is a camel's hair brush made of? Squirrel fur 6) The Canary Islands in the Pacific are named after what animal? Dogs 7) What was King George VI's first name? Albert 8) What color is a purple finch? Crimson 9) Where are Chinese gooseberries from? New Zealand "Abstinence makes the Church grow fondlers." - The Catholic Church CURTAIN GOING UP I will be performing at the weekend NoHo Festival this Sunday in the Antaeus Academy's production of "Helen" by Euripides. I play a befuddled Greek soldier in this rip-roaring sexy farce directed by the rip-roaring sexy Jeannie Hackett. And it's Free! 5pm at the Lankershim Arts Center, 5108 Lankershim. And the re-energized production of Firesign Theatre's "Electrician" brilliantly erected by David Avcollie, is running down the street at The Players Space.. So run down the street to see it, or call 818.508-6612 for performance times. Also, tonight I and other Firesigns will be at the LAUGH.COM table to honor the late Uncle Miltie at the Friar's Club. I'll be stealing material to pass on to you all later... "On one show I asked a young soap star how many minutes there were in a half hour...she said sixty." - Anne Robinson, nasty mistress of "The Weakest Link" SIGHT THESE SITES To take a true tit test -- http://www.avhumor.com/oskaflash/inter_silicon.swf Joe Bevilacqua's "Barnaby & Max" -- http://www.comedyorama.com/index.html NY Jazz news-- http://www.GothamJazz.com April Winchell's Strange sex laws -- http://www.lectlaw.com/files/fun23.htm "The integrity of the universe cannot be questioned." - The Science of Mind ++++++++++++(MAY 17, 2002)++++++++++ * FIRESIGN: http://www.firesigntheatre.com * FIREZINE: http://www.firezine.net * FIRESIGN STUFF: http://www.lodestone-media.com * RARE RE-RELEASES: http:// www.laugh.com * FUNNY TIMES: http://www.funnytimes.com PLANET PROCTOR (C) 2002 by Phil Proctor Hi, I got this from my Dad and I am forwarding this on to you. One day, when I was a freshman in high school, I saw a kid from my class was walking home from school. His name was Kyle. It looked like he was carrying all of his books. I thought to myself, "Why would anyone bring home all his books on a Friday? He must really be a nerd." I had quite a weekend planned (parties and a football game with my friends tomorrow afternoon), so I shrugged my shoulders and went on. As I was walking, I saw a bunch of kids running toward him. They ran at him, knocking all his books out of his arms and tripping him so he landed in the dirt. His glasses went flying, and I saw them land in the grass about ten feet from him. He looked up and I saw this terrible sadness in his eyes. My heart went out to him. So, I jogged over to him and as he crawled around looking for his glasses, and I saw a tear in his eye. As I handed him his glasses, I said, "Those guys are jerks. They really should get lives." He looked at me and said, "Hey thanks!" There was a big smile on his face. It was one of those smiles that showed real gratitude. I helped him pick up his books, and asked him where he lived. As it turned out, he lived near me, so I asked him why I had never seen him before. He said he had gone to private school before now. I would have never hung out with a private school kid before. We talked all the way home, and I carried some of his books. He turned out to be a pretty cool kid. I asked him if he wanted to play a little football with my friends. He said yes. We hung out all weekend and the more I got to know Kyle, the more I liked him, and my friends thought the same of him. Monday morning came, and there was Kyle with the huge stack of books again. I stopped him and said, "Boy, you are gonna really build some serious muscles with this pile of books everyday!" He just laughed and handed me half the books. Over the next four years, Kyle and I became best friends. When we were seniors, we began to think about college. Kyle decided on Georgetown, and I was going to Duke. I knew that we would always be friends, that the miles would never be a problem. He was going to be a doctor, and I was going for business on a football scholarship. Kyle was valedictorian of our class. I teased him all the time about being a nerd. He had to prepare a speech for graduation. I was so glad it wasn't me having to get up there and speak. Graduation day, I saw Kyle. He looked great. He was one of those guys that really found himself during high school. He filled out and actually looked good in glasses. He had more dates than I had and all the girls loved him. Boy, sometimes I was jealous. Today was one of those days. I could see that he was nervous about his speech. So, I smacked him on the back and said, "Hey, big guy, you'll be great!" He looked at me with one of those looks (the really grateful one) and smiled. "Thanks," he said. As he started his speech, he cleared his throat, and began. "Graduation is a time to thank those who helped you make it through those tough years. Your parents, your teachers, your siblings, maybe a coach...but mostly your friends. I am here to tell all of you that being a friend to someone is the best gift you can give them. I am going to tell you a story." I just looked at my friend with disbelief as he told the story of the first day we met. He had planned to kill himself over the weekend. He talked of how he had cleaned out his locker so his Mom wouldn't have to do it later and was carrying his stuff home. He looked hard at me and gave me a little smile. "Thankfully, I was saved. My friend saved me from doing the unspeakable." I heard the gasp go through the crowd as this handsome, popular boy told us all about his weakest moment. I saw his Mom and dad looking at me and smiling that same grateful smile. Not until that moment did I realize it's depth. Never underestimate the power of your actions. With one small gesture you can change a person's life. For better or for worse. God puts us all in each other's lives to impact one another in some way. Look for God in others. You now have two choices, you can: 1) Pass this on to your friends or 2) Delete it and act like it didn't touch your heart. As you can see, I took choice number 1. "Friends are angels who lift us to our feet when our wings have trouble remembering how to fly." There is no beginning or end..Yesterday is history. Tomorrow is mystery. Today is a gift. It's National Friendship Week. Show your friends how much you care. Send this to everyone you consider a FRIEND. If it comes back to you, then you'll know you have a circle of friends. Hi, I got this in the mail and am forwarding for your judgement or interest. It has ONE view. I am sending a few more with others things about the other side. Both Democrats and Republicans have had their hands in the big world money till of a variety of countries. For example, the Bush's worked for Germany in World War 2. But so did everyone. Everyone also has intersts in Israel, in Arab countries, and all kinds of financial dealings. Now the final piece I send is about Clark Clifford and how Israel was set up and why the Palestinian Arabs were mad. Their land WAS taken in 1948, by unfair division. The rational is that the Jewish people had to have a place they controlled so they could be the boss of their lives, finally. Hopefully, sane minds will form a peace, let ancient and recent scars heal, and begin being neighbors. Magic Mike Reprinted from NewsMax.com Carter's Arab Funding May Color Israel Stance Dave Eberhart, NewsMax Monday, April 29, 2002 Former president Jimmy Carter, who has recently emerged as one of the Jewish state's most vocal critics for its current West Bank anti-terror policy, has been the recipient of tens of millions of dollars from Arab sources. Recently, for example, Carter suggested that the U.S. government should threaten Israel with the possible loss of U.S. aid if it continues its military offensive in the West Bank. He also said the U.S. should demand that U.S.-supplied weapons be used only for defensive purposes. Mr. Carter's views are often aired by the American media as those of a neutral mediator -- the man who engineered the 1979 Camp David Accords that has given Israel and Egypt a cold peace in the decades since. But far from being neutral, Carter has a track record as a long-time critic of Israel who has often displayed pro-Arab sympathies. It was his Carter Center that joined with the National Democratic Institute to put the seal of legitimacy on the first elections ever held by Palestinians in the Gaza Strip and the West Bank in January 1996. Voters, who turned out in droves, elected Yasser Arafat president, and he has been in power ever since. In 1990 Carter ghostwrote a speech for Arafat, hoping to polish the Palestinian leader's tarnished image as, at best, being soft on terrorism. Arafat won the Nobel Peace prize for the Oslo Accords. In 1989 President Carter interceded with Israeli Defense Minister Yitzhak Rabin on behalf of activist Terry Boullata, a field worker for the Palestinian Human Rights Information Center. Boullata had been imprisoned in November 1987 for allegedly belonging to a terrorist organization called the Democratic Front for the Liberation of Palestine. Boullata was allowed out in 1989 to come to the United States for treatment of hepatitis. The Carter Center: Follow the Money But it's the financing behind Georgia's Carter Center and the Jimmy Carter Library that raises serious doubts that the former president is, in actuality, a wholly neutral intermediary in the troubled region. NewsMax has reviewed annual reports that indicate millions of charitable dollars have flowed into the center from His Majesty Sultan Qaboss bin Said Al Said of Oman, Jordan, from the Kingdom of Saudi Arabia, and from the Government of the United Arab Emirates. Furthermore, hundreds of thousands of dollars have been donated to the center by the Kuwait Fund for Arab Economic Development. H.R.H. Prince Moulay Hicham Ben Abdallah of Morocco has also contributed tens of thousands of dollars. There are no corresponding contributions apparent from Israeli sources, however. As the center's literature describes, "The Carter Center and the Jimmy Carter Library were built in large measure thanks to the early leadership and financial support of the Carter Center founders." Three of those generous founders: Agha Hasan Abedi On July 5 1991, banking regulators targeted Abedi's Bank of Credit and Commerce International (BCCI), triggering a worldwide financial tidal wave. To date, accountants and lawyers have managed to recoup (discounting fees) $7 billion out of the $12 billion money pit that fueled the BCCI fraud. Agha Hasan Abedi, a banker and self-styled mystic on first-name terms with Carter, created BCCI in 1972. Abedi had charmed seed money out of Arab sheikhs, organizing camel races and hunting trips. The Bank of America bought into BCCI as a way of buying access to the Middle East, holding a 30 percent stake at one point before dumping its holdings in the late-1970s. His Majesty King Fahd of Saudi Arabia Last month Saudi Arabia transferred $15.4 million in advance aid to the Palestinian Authority. The transfer was made to a controversial Arab League fund, a product of the recent Arab summit in Beirut. According to Arab spokesmen, the money was hurriedly contributed due to the dire plight of the Palestinian people as a result of "vicious Israeli aggression." King Fahd, Crown Prince Abdullah and Defense Minister Prince Sultan jointly donated $4.8 million to launch the fund pot, while Interior Minister Prince Nayef bin Abdul Aziz sent an estimated $800,000 to the families of "155 Palestinian martyrs" killed in the current Israeli offensive. Hasib J. Sabbagh Sabbagh is the chairman of Consolidated Contractors Co. of Oman, Jordan. He is also the Senior Fellow for the Middle East of the Council on Foreign Relations. Founded in 1921, the Council on Foreign Relations is a membership organization contributing ideas to U.S. foreign policy. The Council publishes Foreign Affairs, a leading journal on global issues. Individual, foundation, and corporate donors, together with multilateral development assistance programs, support the Carter Center's current annual operating budget of around $30 million. Among the center's announced priorities: promoting democracy, global development, human rights and conflict resolution. Carter said he has spent much time raising money, but he hopes that a campaign to raise a $150 million endowment will lighten the load. Phil Wise, the center's executive director for operations, said an estimated $110 million has already been raised for the endowment. Carter on the Record Although Carter strongly condemned suicide bombings and criticized Arafat for not being more aggressive in ending the spate of violence against Israel, he roundly lambasted Ariel Sharon for actions and attitudes, past and present: "His rejection of all peace agreements that included Israeli withdrawal from Arab lands, his invasion of Lebanon, his provocative visit to the Temple Mount, the destruction of villages and homes, the arrests of thousands of Palestinians and his open defiance of President George W. Bush's demand that he comply with international law have all been orchestrated to accomplish his ultimate goals: to establish Israeli settlements as widely as possible throughout occupied territories and to deny Palestinians a cohesive political existence," Carter said in a recent New York Times piece. "It is time for the United States, as the sole recognized intermediary to consider more forceful actions for peace," Carter added. "The rest of the world will welcome this leadership." U.S. Leverage Over Israel Carter also said that U.S. aid of $10 million a day should give the U.S. some leverage over Israeli policy, noting that former president George H. Bush had threatened to cut off this assistance in 1992 to discourage the building of Israeli settlements between Jerusalem and Bethlehem. Carter cited another factor that could accelerate Israel's acceptance of Arab normalization with Israel in return for its withdrawal from territory captured in the 1967 Middle East war: "One is the legal requirement that American weapons are to be used by Israel only for defensive purposes, a premise certainly being violated in the recent destruction in Jenin and other towns of the West Bank," he said, noting this requirement was imposed by Richard Nixon to impede Israel's military advance into Egypt during the 1973 Middle East war and ws used to deter Israeli attacks on Lebanon in 1979. "I understand the extreme political sensitivity in America of using persuasion on the Israelis, but it is important to remember that none of the actions toward peace would involve an encroachment on the sovereign territory of Israel," Carter acknowledged. Hi, Here is another article to think about. It's old, but I just ran into it and it deserves some judgement and filtering. Magic Mike Extra! September/October 1995 20 Reasons Not to Trust the Journal Editorial Page By Steve Rendall and Jim Naureckas 1. When Anita Hill took a polygraph test to try to substantiate her charges of sexual harassment against Clarence Thomas, the Wall Street Journal attacked her in an editorial (10/15/91) titled "Credibility Gulch": "Lie detector tests are so unreliable they are rarely allowed as evidence in court." But just eight months later (6/9/92), when the Journal argued against an Iran-contra perjury indictment of former Secretary of Defense (and editorial page contributor) Caspar Weinberger, this was its main evidence for Weinberger's innocence: "Mr. Weinberger has taken and passed a lie-detector test on the matter." 2. Referring to the investigation into the BCCI takeover of the First American Bank, the Journal asked (10/28/94): "The particular U.S. concern is discerning how a pack of Arab crooks got control of the biggest bank in Washington, D.C." Besides the blatant racism--it's unimaginable in any context that the Journal would write of "a pack of Jewish crooks"--BCCI was not run by Arabs. BCCI's founder, Agha Hasan Abedi, and Swaleh Naqvi, its chief executive officer, are Pakistani. The Gokal family, which received the largest defaulted loans, are Indian. The biggest loser in the scandal was the ruler of Abu Dhabi, an Arab country. Deception Overseas 3. George Melloan, then deputy editor of the Wall Street Journal editorial page, appeared on the MacNeil/Lehrer NewsHour (2/19/82) to explain why the Journal had vilified the New York Times' Raymond Bonner for reporting on a massacre of civilians in El Mozote, El Salvador. Melloan insinuated that Bonner had a "political orientation that is Marxist in nature." Pressed for evidence, Melloan said Bonner "was covering the guerrilla movement in El Salvador without ever telling anyone, any of his readers, that he was being conducted around the country on a tour by the guerrillas themselves." As Newsday's Sydney Schanberg pointed out (10/27/92), each of the four articles that Bonner wrote when he was travelling with the rebels pointed this out; the first article in the series (1/26/82) was headlined "With Salvador's Rebels in Combat Zone." 4. In a letter to the New York Times (4/12/88), Journal editorial page contributor and former editorial writer Jude Wanniski claimed there was no evidence linking Salvadoran military officer/politician Roberto D'Aubuisson to death squads, labeling reports to the contrary as "McCarthyist" and "one of the most successful propaganda hoaxes of the decade." D'Aubuisson's well-publicized ties to death squads have been confirmed by internal Reagan administration memos. A March 18, 1981 CIA report to then-Vice President Bush read: "D'Aubuisson has served as principal henchman for the wealthy landowners and as a coordinator of the right-wing death squads that have murdered several thousand suspected leftists and leftist sympathizers during the past year." A July 31, 1985 State Department cable stated that D'Aubuisson led a meeting in which lots were drawn to decide who would "win" the opportunity to assassinate Archbishop Oscar Romero, the head of El Salvador's Catholic Church (Washington Post, 1/4/94). 5. Journal editorials referred to Angolan guerrilla Jonas Savimbi as "a veteran of the struggle against Portugal" (11/8/79; 6/30/89) and claimed that his "UNITA rebels have been fighting for Angola's freedom for 23 years." (12/21/88) According to correspondence discovered after the Portuguese military government fell in 1978, Savimbi was on the Portuguese military payroll as an agent fighting against genuine anti-colonial forces (Ray et al., Dirty Work 2; Johnson and Martin, Frontline Southern Africa) 6. The Journal recently seemed to encourage France to use violence against Greenpeace in its attempt to blockade French nuclear testing in the South Pacific: "When confronted by fanatics spouting irrational demands, there is often no alternative to using force," an editorial declared (7/12/95). Greenpeace's "irrational demands"--that the French cease testing nuclear weapons in the South Pacific--are echoed by the "fanatic" prime ministers of Australia, New Zealand and Japan, as well as the heads of state of virtually every Pacific Island country. Crime and Punishment 7. In an editorial on crime (2/11/94), the Wall Street Journal claimed "it is very nearly routine procedure for criminals to kill their victims during a robbery to get rid of the evidence." According to FBI statistics, there were 672,480 robberies in 1992, and 2,254 murders associated with robberies--so about 99.7 percent of the time, robbers did not kill their victims. 8. An editorial page "Notable & Quotable" column (11/13/92) compared "top problems in the public schools as identified by teachers" in 1940 ("Talking Out of Turn, Chewing Gum, Making Noise...") and in 1990 ("Suicide, Rape, Robbery..."). The Journal got caught by a hoax which compared two totally dissimilar lists: One was based on the questions (not the responses) from a 1974-75 poll asking principals about crime in their schools, while the other was derived from a 1943 list of the most common classroom problems. (The phony comparison was debunked in the New York Times Magazine, 3/6/94.) In reprinting the lists (from Congressional Quarterly Researcher, 9/11/92), the Journal added an error of its own--moving the date of the "modern" problems from 1980 to 1990. Tree Muggers 9. In two editorials (11/18/92, 1/15/93) urging a pardon for Bill Ellen, convicted in a federal court of violating federal wetlands regulations, the Journal claimed Ellen had merely been building a "wildlife sanctuary...to attract migrating waterfowl," and was prosecuted because he had "allowed two loads of dirt" to be dumped "on land that someone representing the U.S. said was a wetland," in an area that "the Soil Conservation Service had previously deemed non-wetland." Ellen, the Journal argued, had been unfairly charged with "violating a [1989] regulatory standard that didn't exist at the time of his actions." Bill Ellen's "wildlife sanctuary" was actually a hunting reserve. He was not charged for violating new regulations, but rather on five counts of violating the Clean Water Act of 1972. Ellen was convicted of filling some 86 acres of clearly wet areas, including part of a tidal creek, a violation of the Rivers and Harbors Act of 1898 (Washington Post, 2/20/93). Ellen had already received three warnings to stop in 1988--a year before the 1989 regulations were added. According to journalist Bill Gifford in the Washington Monthly (11/93), "Ellen had filled or altered close to 1,000 acres, though the prosecution focused on areas that were indisputedly wet; the new wetland definition wasn't even an issue." 10. "Violating the Endangered Species Act just might be the best thing Michael Rowe ever did," wrote Ike C. Sugg of the Competitive Enterprise Institute in an editorial-page column (11/10/93) titled "Losing Houses, Saving Rats." Rowe saved his house from California's October 1993 wildfires, wrote Sugg, "by clearing a fire-break" around his property on land designated as a protected habitat for the Stephens kangaroo rat. Arguing that 29 other homes within the "77,000 acres of private property" designated as a kangaroo rat study area could have been saved if their residents had likewise broken the law, Sugg lamented, "most of Mr. Rowe's law-abiding neighbors lost their homes." Nothing prevented the cutting of brush on private land in the kangaroo rat's protected habitat, since the animal (a relative of the squirrel) lives underground. Nevertheless, the U.S. General Accounting Office studied whether houses could have been saved if homeowners had been allowed to plow under their land. "Overall, county officials and other fire experts believe that weed abatement by any means would have made little difference in whether or not a home was destroyed in the California fire," the GAO concluded (7/94), noting that the fire, whipped by 80-mile-per-hour winds, jumped over two highways and a canal. 11. The Journal launched yet another assault on the tiny kangaroo rat this year, charging overzealous enforcement of the Endangered Species Act. Columnist Gideon Kanner ("The Rule of Law," 5/24/95), a southern California law professor, wrote that Southern California farmer Tuang Ming-Lin was arrested in February 1994 because he had "run over five rats with a plow." "Since Mr. Lin speaks no English," Kanner continued, "there is at best a serious question as to whether he even knew about these regulations, though the Feds insisted that they had sent letters advising of their existence." According to The Recorder (6/14/95), a law publication, Lin was arrested not for running over rats, but for destroying the protected habitat of three different endangered species: the Tipton kangaroo rat, the kit fox and the leopard lizard. According to the Recorder, Lin was sent the first letter warning him about the protected species in December 1992; the last of several warnings was conveyed in person, one week before his arrest, by a game warden who told Lin, his son and the farm foreman that they needed a permit to continue to cultivate the land. Besides the factual errors, it's ironic that the Journal would have a law professor--in a column titled "Rule of Law"--argue that ignorance of the law is an excuse. Atomic Bombast 12. The Journal (8/29/94) blasted the Smithsonian museum's proposed exhibit on the U.S. bombing of Hiroshima and Nagasaki, citing the draft script: "It is especially curious to note the oozing romanticism with which the Enola show's writers describe the Kamikaze pilots.... These were, the script elegaically relates, 'Youths, their bodies overflowing with life.'" The kamikaze quote was not written by the show's curators but--as was clearly spelled out in the script--by Yukiteru Sugiyama, a surviving kamikaze pilot. According to the Smithsonian script, it was "included to give viewer's insight into [the kamikazes'] suicidal fanaticism, which many American's would otherwise find incomprehensible." 13. As evidence of the supposedly soft-on-Japan "mindset" of the Smithsonian scriptwriters, the Journal editorial (8/29/94) cited this quote: "For most Americans, this war...was a war of vengeance. For most Japanese, it was a war to defend their unique culture against Western imperialism." Here's the full context of the Smithsonian quote--hardly soft on Japan: Japanese expansionism was marked by naked aggression and extreme brutality. The slaughter of tens of thousands of Chinese in Nanking in 1937 shocked the world. Atrocities by Japanese troops included brutal mistreatment of civilians, forced laborers and prisoners of war, and biological experiments on human victims. In December 1941, Japan attacked U.S. bases at Pearl Harbor, Hawaii, and launched other surprise assaults against Allied territories in the Pacific. Thus began a wider conflict marked by extreme bitterness. For most Americans, this war was fundamentally different than the one waged against Germany and Italy--it was a war of vengeance. For most Japanese, it was a war to defend their unique culture against Western imperialism. As the war approached its end in 1945, it appeared to both sides that it was a fight to the finish. 14. In defending the use of the atom bomb, the Journal editorial (8/29/94) claimed that a U.S. invasion "would by all estimates have resulted in more than a million American casualties." "By all estimates"? Official reports to the Joint Chiefs of Staff in June of 1945 estimated total U.S. casualties (including injuries) as between 132,500 and 220,000. Gen. Douglas MacArthur argued in June 1945 that an estimate of 110,000 casualties was too high. Historians have been unable to provide documentation for anything close to the "one million" figure (Bulletin of the Atomic Scientists, 6-7/86; Diplomatic History, Winter/93). Arcane Reporting 15. In an editorial (2/5/93) attacking efforts to increase media coverage of domestic violence, the Journal claimed that FAIR's report that domestic violence increases on Super Bowl Sunday was "received as sacred writ by an entirely credulous army of journalists." The Journal praised one reporter, the Washington Post's Ken Ringle, who wrote an article dismissing any link between violent sports and domestic violence (Washington Post, 1/31/93): "He pursued an arcane reporting technique that has apparently slipped from favor: Mr. Ringle called up the source of the original story to ask if it were true." In fact, Ringle never did call up the source of the story--FAIR's national office--to ask if it were true. If he had, we would have told him that our information about the Super Bowl came from first-hand reports from women who work in domestic violence shelters, and from articles written by journalists who used the "arcane reporting technique" of interviewing battered women. One of the reporters specifically cited as part of the "credulous army" duped by FAIR, Robert Lipsyte of the New York Times, had actually been reporting about the Super Bowl's link to battering as early as 1987 (NBC Nightly News, 1/18/87). In writing an editorial whose whole point was that journalists should be skeptical and check their sources, the Journal editors didn't bother to check the Post's story out by calling FAIR. If they had, they might not have repeated Ringle's errors, and could have avoided making new errors of their own--like referring to the public relations firm Dobisky Associates as "FAIR's publicists," a firm we'd never heard of until the Journal's editorial appeared. The Journal refused to publish a letter from FAIR pointing out these and other mistakes. Economic Nonsense 16. Journal editor Robert Bartley's book, The Seven Fat Years, gets its title from the idea that the Reagan years were a time of great prosperity compared to the Carter years. Bartley derives this by measuring from the trough of the early '80s recession in 1982 to the peak of the recovery in 1989--finding a growth rate of 3.8 percent for the "Reagan years"--while measuring the "Carter years" from the 1973 growth peak to the 1982 trough (1.6 percent). This fundamentally dishonest comparison assigns two recessions--neither of which occurred during his presidency--to Carter, while counting no recessions for Reagan. You could find a 3.5 percent growth rate for Carter by playing a similar game and counting from 1975 to 1980. An honest economist will tell you that you have to compare similar phases of the business cycle: From the 1973 peak to the 1979 peak, there was a growth rate of 2.8 percent; from the 1979 peak to the 1989 peak, there was a growth rate of 2.5 percent. So much for the "seven fat years." 17. The Journal praised the 1981 deregulation of the Savings & Loan industry (6/29/81), saying, "The beauty of these solutions is that they are cheap because they depend on the market and not on the federal till." The federal till has so far paid more than $150 billion to cover the costs of this "cheap" solution. 18. Editor Robert Bartley has stated that in the U.S., "there aren't any poor people, just a few hermits or something like that." (Washington Post, 7/11/82) The Limbaugh Connection 19. Wall Street Journal editorial writer John Fund was the ghostwriter of Rush Limbaugh's first book, The Way Things Ought to Be. The book is wildly inaccurate, as demonstrated in FAIR's book, The Way Things Aren't. 20. Republican strategist William Kristol referred to Rush Limbaugh as "almost a Wall Street Journal editorial page of the airwaves." Hi, Now we find Freeh didn't use e-mail and the FBI computers are currently 286's and 386's when Pentium 2 was the norm in 1998. Anybody could have done a better job. The Phoenix and Minneapolis memos and the French report on Moussaoui is all anyone needed to see his computer and learn the plan. Every clue was there to prevent the 9/11 tradegy. The problem was the FBI higher-ups didn't HAVE a clue. The big crooks at ENRON have yet to be arrested. The Bush people had to be served with a supeona to get them to reveal their dealings. Countless lives have been ruined, old people stripped of their retirement income. Meanwhile, the main concerns of Attorney General Ashcroft is that dying people not be given drugs even if a State makes it legal, and that the statue of Justice is naked above the waist. A Clue? My older guppies have a hard time live bearing and die when trying to give birth. I asked my pet shop what to do. They suggested making some ginsing tea and putting in a teaspoon full to relax them. We could have a nuclear war any moment between India and Pakistan. China has treaties with Pakistan. India is a Democracy. We could get involved. Israel and Palestinians are at war. We could get involved. Afgans and Taliban. We couldn't get more involved. Iraq and terrorism. We could get involved. Syria and Iran and terrorism. We could get involved. Muslims and Bosnia. We are involved. Muslims and Russia. We could get involved. Terrorist Islamics and everyone. We could get involved. In the movie "A Bridge Too Far", everything is going wrong and Sean Connery as Major General Urquhart is asked if he would like some tea. He recounts all the problems and asks how tea is going to help. His aide says, "Couldn't hurt!" Probably good advice for us all. Have some tea. And this Planet Proctor, from Hollywood. "Couldn't hurt!" Have a magic day, Magic Mike. (((((((((((((((((((((((((((PLANET PROCTOR 2002-14 - http://www.planetproctor.com "Success doesn't change people, it unmasks them." - Al Pacino TIME WILL TELL http://www.frontiernet.net/~cdm/age1.html informs me that since I was born on July 28, 1940, I was... 57 years old when Princess Diana died 54 years old at the time of Oklahoma City bombing 53 years old when O. J. Simpson was charged with murder 52 years old at the time of the bombing of the World Trade Center 50 years old when Operation Desert Storm began 49 years old during the fall of the Berlin Wall 45 years old when the space shuttle Challenger exploded 43 years old when Apple introduced the Macintosh 42 years old during Sally Ride's travel in space 40 years old when Pres. Reagan was shot by John Hinckley, Jr. 39 years old at the time the Iran hostage crisis began 35 years old on the U.S.'s bicentennial Fourth of July 34 years old when President Nixon left office 31 years old when Alabama Gov. George C. Wallace was shot 28 years old at the time the first man stepped on the moon 27 years old when Martin Luther King Jr was assassinated 25 years old during the Watts riot 23 years old at the time President Kennedy was assassinated 19 years old when Hawaii was admitted as 50th of the United States 17 years old when the Soviet satellite Sputnik 1 was launched 12 years old at the end of the Korean War 5 years old when the atomic bomb was dropped on Hiroshima and 1 year old at the time of the Japanese attack on Pearl Harbor "Any random group of thirty Vietnamese women will contain a dozen who make Julia Roberts look like Lyle Lovett." - P. J. O'Rourke (1994) MORE RESTAURANT REVIEWS From The Zagat website... "The Emperor's new food. Chef's responsibility is to turn on the microwave. So noisy you can't hear yourself taste. Why eat here when you can take the vegetables from the garbage can? The only good thing about this restaurant is leaving it, but getting mugged at gunpoint in their parking lot left a bad taste in my mouth. "The last stop before food stamps. Like a skunk, it's small, it's cute and it stinks. Filled with flowers and all the things that make flowers grow. A petri dish gone horribly, horribly wrong. Could have changed my oil twice from the bottom of the pasta dish. Take your time, the staff sure does. If you were on fire, they wouldn't even throw a drink on you. "Not what it used to be -- and it didn't used to be much. The average age here is deceased. The cockroaches are more energetic than the management. The old waiters are fresher than the fish. If I want a fatty sandwich served by a walking attitude, I'll go to Mom's. Grandma cooked like this and Grandpa died young. Even the water gives you heartburn. Must be laundering money. "Beavis and Butthead hangout. Reassuringly ugly. To call it a dump would be flattering. I can defrost better. They put the salmon in salmonella and the food tastes like socks. Perfect for your fasting day. The portions are the size of Jesse Helms' grants to the arts." "The only 'ism' Hollywood believes in is plagiarism." - Dorothy Parker IT GETS WILDER My pal, Hank Rosenfeld, is working on an as-told-to memoir with gag-writer Irving Brecher who also wrote for the late Milton Berle and notes in the NYC Yiddish weekly, "Forward" that Irv and Wilder took morning walks together around Holmby Park in Westwood. You could imagine them discussing great filmmaking, the blandishments and perils of the writing life, etc. but "No," Irv said. "Billy did bird calls mostly, and the birds just sneered at him. I didn't go to [Wilder's] funeral," Irv added, "And I'm trying to arrange not to go to mine, either." "Rated PG for mild sensuality." - Phil's Phunny Phacts LONG LIVE THE QUEEN John Gall writes, "All those quotes about the Queen Mum were great. An article about her in last year's 'Vanity Fair' had a quote that still makes me laugh. She is quoted as having said to a couple of members of her staff, 'Would one of you old queens get this old queen a gin and tonic?'" So Lady Di and the Queen Mum meet in heaven. The Queen Mum sees a halo on Lady Di and asks, "How do I get a nice halo like that, dear?" "Mum," says Lady Di. "It's a steering wheel. "My doctor refused to write me a prescription for Viagra. He said it would be like putting a new flagpole on a condemned building." - Jack's Jokes from Jack Angel TASTES LIKE A COCK (Or a rooster, actually...) Seal penises are used for a variety of things, mostly Three-Penis Wine - made from the penis of a seal, a dog and a deer. Indeed, the sale of seal penises as an aphrodisiac has been going on for thousands of years in Asia, but don't be fooled by the $650 price tag. After studying 27 pickled penises, scientists from the University of Guelph found only one was confirmed to be the penis of a real seal, most being from bulls and dogs. "Perhaps the most upsetting part of killing seals solely for their penises and testicles is that there is no scientific evidence the concoctions enhance any kind of sexual pleasure or function." John Wiebe, a professor of zoology says, "People used to eat hearts to gain courage, and brains to become more intelligent. Anyone in the 20th century should know better." http://www.gazette.uwo.ca/1998/January/27/News3.htm "This matters, the remaking of an untenable world through the nib of a pen; it matters so much, I can't stop doing it." - Author Carol Shields DOES A BEAR...? Ok, you're out in the woods and Nature calls, you've got to see a man about a horse, you need a potty break. You look for the nearest log, hope like anything that there are no animals living in it and that it's not wet and slimy. You grit your teeth, pull down your drawers and do your "bidness" out in the great outdoors. Not a pleasant thought, is it? Don't let it ever happen to you again! You need...The Offroad Commode! The Texas Horseshoe, The Sportsman's Throne, the Original Hitch Receiver Toilet -- and the last Utility Seat you'll ever need to buy! Hunt with it! Fish with it! Take it golfing! And of course, now you can "go" anywhere your vehicle goes! ! But, you will need one for every one of your vehicles and adapters are available...Only $49.95! Get yours, today! WARNING: Not for use while vehicle is in motion. Slippery when wet. Loads in excess of 500 lb may damage your Horseshoe and/or your hitch, receiver and/or vehicle. Go to: http://www.offroadcommode.com/ "War is the health of the state." - Karl Marx FOR SLACKERS ONLY We are desperately looking for 100 lazy people who wish to make lots of money without working. We are not looking for people who are self-motivated. We are not looking for class presidents, beautiful people, career builders or even college graduates. We don't even want union workers or trade school graduates. We are not looking for people who join every 'get rich quick' scheme offered on the internet. We want the laziest people that exist - the guys and gals who expect to make money without lifting a finger. We want the people who stay in bed until noon. We want those of you who think that getting out of bed to go lay on the couch is an effort that is best not thought about. If you meet this criteria, go to: mailto:Idonotwanttowork2002@yahoo.com and type in the Subject Line the following words: "I do not want to work". In fact, if you are so lazy that typing those words in the subject line is an effort, than don't bother. Just click on the email and we'll know that you want us to send you the domain name anyhow, because then we will be absolutely certain that you are the kind of person we want. If you can get to the website that we are going to email you, you will be able to see we are not looking for a commitment from you and we don't even want your money. As a matter of fact, we don't even want you to hear from us again if the idea of making lots of money without working does not interest you. So this is the first and last email we will ever send you. That is a promise. (So says Billy "Lazy" Bones) "It is the duty of any given nation in time of high crisis to attack the catastrophe that faces it in such a manner as to cause the people to laugh at it in such a way that they do not die before they get killed." - Lord Buckley WHAT DID THAT MAN SAY? Dr. Rob Riddle tells us that a Swiss guy looking for directions pulls up at a bus stop and finds two American tourists. "Entschuldigung," he asks, "Koennen Sie Deutsch sprechen?" The two Americans just stare at him. "Parlez vous Francais?" he tries. The two continue to stare. "Parlare Italiano?" No response. "Hablan ustedes Espanol?" Still nothing. The Swiss guy drives off, disgusted. The first American turns to the second and says, "Ya know, maybe we should learn a foreign language." "Why?" says the other. "That guy knew four, and it didn't do him any good." "SPQR means 'Senatus Populus Que Romanus' (The Senate and People of Rome) like we use'USA'. In modern Italy those outside Rome use 'Sono Porci, Questi Romani' or "These Romans are Pigs." - Billy Bowles THE SEVEN CATMANDMENTS On the first day of creation, God created the cat. On the second day, God created man to serve the cat. On the third day, God created all the animals of the earth to serve as food for the cat. On the fourth day, God created honest toil so that man could labor for the good of the cat. On the fifth day, God created the sparkle ball so that the cat might/might not play with it. On the sixth day, God created veterinary science to keep the cat healthy and the man broke. On the seventh day, God tried to rest -- but he had to scoop the litter box. "Talk is what you suffer through to get to sex." - Woody Allen In "Hollywood Ending" DOMINE, DOMINE, DOMINATE Bob Joles tells the story of two Catholic boys, Timothy Murphy and Antonio Secola, whose lives paralleled each other in amazing ways. Timothy was born in Ireland, Antonio in Italy. They took their vows, entered the priesthood and over the years their careers amazed the world; and though it was generally acknowledged that Antonio was just a cut above Timothy in all respects, they rose to Bishop, Archbishop, and finally to Cardinal. When the present pope died, it was either Timothy or Antonio who would be the next Pope. The College of Cardinals went to work and Timothy Murphy was elected. Antonio was greatly surprised, as he was the better qualified, so with a gall that shocked the Cardinals, he requested for a private session where he candidly asked, "Why Timothy?" After a long silence, one old Cardinal took pity on the bewildered Antonio and rose to reply: "We knew you were the better of the two, he explained, "But we could not bear the thought of the leader of the Roman Catholic Church being called - 'Pope Secola'". "Anyone who puns should be drawn and quoted." - Humorist Fred Allen WE'RE OFF! To New York City to celebrate our 10th Wedding Anniversary and my Mom's East Coast memorial on Memorial Monday, thanks to my dear pal Charles Moed; and thence to New Haven for my 40th Yale reunion. Please, curtail your email until our return, June 4th! "Result is garbage, takes pretender to White House office -- damn!" - Anagram of "George Walker Bush" - Phil's Phunny Phacts ++++++++++++(MAY 25, 2002)++++++++++ * FIRESIGN: http://www.firesigntheatre.com * FIREZINE: http://www.firezine.net * FIRESIGN STUFF: http://www.lodestone-media.com * RARE RE-RELEASES: http:// www.laugh.com * FUNNY TIMES: http://www.funnytimes.com PLANET PROCTOR (C) 2002 by Phil Proctor See ya, Magic Mike http://funandmagic.com/ Hi, More Google research for you to peruse. This one is about BCii Bank, Arms, drugs, spies, lies, Dems, Reps, Iraq, Iran, Pakistan, China, and others. http://www.alamo-girl.com/0336.htm DOWNSIDE LEGACY AT TWO DEGREES OF PRESIDENT CLINTON SECTION: THE STORY OF A CRIMINAL ENTERPRISE SUBSECTION: CDFI and BCCI Revised 12/15/99 COMMUNITY DEVELOPMENT FINANCIAL INSTITUTIONS FUND (CDFI) South Shore Bank in Chicago in the 80's caught the eye of the Clintons for their lending to run-down neighborhoods. Jan Piercy, Hillary's roommate from Wellesley College, joined Shorebank as a top executive in 1984. The Clintons and Shorebank established the Southern Development Bankcorp in Arkadelphia in 1986. Hillary Clinton and Mack McLarty were on the board. It was formed with an investment from Winthrop Rockefeller Foundation, the Arkansas teachers pension fund, and a state corporation established by Governor Clinton. The bank and its subsidiaries used the Rose Law Firm. After Bill Clinton was elected president, the 1994 Riegle Community Development and Regulatory Improvement Act created something called the Community Development Financial Institutions Fund (CDFI), which was to be run by Treasury and which was to give $37 million to community development banks and nonprofit groups. Shorebank got $4.5 million, the largest, Southern Development got $2 million, two other institutions related to Shorebank -- Kentucky's Louisville Development Bankcorp got $2.3 million and Douglass Bancorporation of Kansas City, Kansas -- got $1.9 million. The four institutions got about one-third of all the money. In routine investigation it was noted that these four institution's evaluation forms were uniquely undated and were all handled by Steve Rohde personally and the applications were all prepared by Shorebank. An Ernst & Young examiner wrote, a senior CDFI official "instructed reviewers to emphasize positive information for those being 'passed' and to emphasize negative information for those 'failing.'" BANK OF CREDIT AND COMMERCE INTERNATIONAL (BCCI) Pakistani banker Agha Hasan Abedi founded BCCI in 1972, it was incorporated in Luxembourg and expanded rapidly. By the early 1980s BCCI had become the preferred bank for such customers as the CIA, Colombian drugs cartels, arms smugglers and various third world dictators. By the mid-eighties, there was gathering evidence of financial irregularities, corruption and criminal involvement - an investigation ensued. In December 1992, shortly after Clinton was elected, the Committee on Foreign Relations - US Senate produced a report that pointed out specific problems in the investigation and gave 20 specific areas which needed additional investigation (summarized below) The disposition of these issues is unknown. All that has come to the attention of this list is one settlement for $5 million in February of 1998. The extent of BCCI's involvement in Pakistan's nuclear program. BCCI's manipulation of commodities and securities markets in Europe and Canada. BCCI's activitites in India, including its relationship with the business empire of the Hinduja family. BCCI's relationships with convicted Iraqi arms dealer Sarkis Soghanalian, Syrian drug trafficker, terrorist, and arms trafficker Monzer Al-Kassar, and other major arms dealers. The use of BCCI by central figures in arms sales to Iran during the 1980's BCCI's activities with the Central Bank of Syria and with the Foreign Trade Mission of the Soviet Union in London. BCCI's involvement with foreign intelligence agencies The financial dealings of BCCI directors with Charles Keating and several Keating affiliates and front-companies, including the possibility that BCCI related entities may have laundered funds for Keating to move them outside the United States. BCCI's financing of commodities and other business dealings of international criminal financier Marc Rich. The nature, extent and meaning of the ownership of shares of other U.S. financial institutions by Middle Eastern political figures The nature, extent, and meaning of real estate and financial investments in the United States by major shareholders of BCCI. BCCI's shareholders and front-men have made substantial investments in real estate throughout the United States, owning major office buildings in such key cities as New York and Washington, D.C. BCCI's collusion in Savings & Loan fraud in the U.S. The Subcommittee found ties between BCCI and two failed Savings and Loan institutions, CenTrust, which BCCI came to have a controlling interest in, and Caprock Savings and Loan in Texas, and as noted above, the involvement of BCCI figures with Charles Keating and his business empire. In each case, BCCI's involvement cost the U. S. taxpayers money. A comprehensive review of BCCI's account holders in the U.S. and globally might well reveal additional such cases. In addition, the issue of whether David Paul and CenTrust's political relationships were used by Paul on behalf of BCCI merits further investigation The sale of BCCI affiliate Banque de Commerce et de Placements (BCP) in Geneva, to the Cukorova Group of Turkey, which owned an entity involved in the BNL Iraqi arms sales, among others. BCCI's role in China. As noted in the chapter on BCCI's activities in foreign countries, BCCI had extensive activity in China, and the Chinese government allegedly lost $500 million when BCCI closed, mostly from government accounts. While there have been allegations that bribes and pay-offs were involved, these allegations require further investigation and detail to determine what actually happened, and who was involved. The relationship between Capcom and BCCI, between Capcom and the intelligence community, and between Capcom's shareholders and U.S. telecommunications industry figures. The relationship of important BCCI figures and important intelligence figures to the collapse of the Hong Kong Deposit and Guaranty Bank and Tetra Finance (HK) in 1983. The circumstances surrounding the collapse of these two Hong Kong banks; the Hong Kong banks' practices of using nominees, front-companies, and back-to-back financial transactions; the Hong Banks' directors having included several important BCCI figures, including Ghanim Al Mazrui, and a close associate of then CIA director William Casey; all raise the question of whether there was a relationship between these two institutions and BCCI-Hong Kong, and whether the two Hong Kong institutions were used for domestic or foreign intelligence operations. BCCI's activities in Atlanta and its acquisition of the National Bank of Georgia through First American. The relationship between BCCI and the Banca Nazionale del Lavoro. BCCI and the Atlanta Branch of BNL had an extensive relationship in the United States, with the Atlanta Branch of BNL having a substantial number of accounts in BCCI's Miami offices. BNL was, according to federal indictments, a significan't financial conduit for weapons to Iraq. BCCI also made loans to Iraq, although of a substantially smaller nature. The alleged relationship between the late CIA director William Casey and BCCI. Money laundering by other major international banks. Numerous BCCI officials told the Subcommittee that BCCI's money laundering was no different from activities they observed at other international banks, and provided the names of a number of prominent U.S. and European banks which they alleged engaged in money laundering. Background Financial General, a Washington D.C.based bank with headquarters a block from the White House had been acquired in April 1977 by an investor group lead by William Middendorf II, who was Secretary of the Navy under Nixon and Ford. One member of the investor group was Jackson Stephens (Little Rock, controlling interest in Worthen National Bank and Stephens Inc, associated with Riadys and Clinton) In November 1977, Stephens introduced BCCI-founder Abedi to Bert Lance, Carter's Director of the Office of Management and Budget. Financial General had sold to Lance controlling interest in the National Bank of Georgia in 1975. Abedi introduced Lance to Ghaith Pharaon who proceeded to acquire the stock of Lance's National Bank of Georgia, a deal consummated on January 5, 1978, a day after Lance's $3.4 million loan from the First National Bank of Chicago was repaid by BCCI London. Lance and Stephens helped BCCI take over Financial General. A Financial General lawsuit "Bert Lance, Bank of Credit & Commerce International, Agha Hasan Abedi, Eugene J. Metzger, Jackson Stephens, Stephens Inc., Systematics Inc. and John Does numbers 1 through 25." Systematics was represented by C.J. Giroir, Webster Hubbell, and Hillary Rodham Clinton of the Rose Law Firm of Little Rock. Also involved in the takeover were Clark Clifford (the former Defense Secretary under Johnson and lawyer for BCCI), Robert Altman (attorney for Bert Lance and Clifford's partner), and Kamal Adham (the former head of Saudi Arabian intelligence who was King Faisal's most trusted advisor, and whose half-sister Iffat was King Faisal's favorite wife). In a lawsuit filed March 18, 1978, the Securities and Exchange Commission charged Lance with violations of federal security laws, and BCCI's application to purchase Financial General Bankshares was denied. Abedi then formed Credit and Commerce American Holdings (CCAH), Netherlands Antilles. On October 19, 1978, CCAH filed for approval with the Federal Reserve to purchase Financial General. This application was dismissed on February 16, 1979, but a new application was submitted later. The Federal Reserve finally approved the purchase on April 19, 1982, and BCCI renamed the bank "First American" three months later. Clark Clifford was made chairman and Robert Altman president. The head of Bank Supervision at the Federal Reserve when BCCI's purchase was approved was Jack Ryan, who later became head of the Resolution Trust Corporation, in which role he denied Rep. Leach's requests for documents related to Madison Guaranty, the Whitewater thrift. BCCI founder Abedi donated 500 million rupees for the creation of Pakistan's Gulam Ishaq Research Institute for nuclear development. "Kamal Adham, who was the CIA's principal liason for the entire Middle East from the mid-1960's through 1979, was the lead frontman for BCCI in its takeover of First American, was an important nominee shareholder in BCCI, and remains one of the key players in the entire BCCI affair" (Senator John Kerry and Senator Hank Brown, The BCCI Affair: a Report to the Committee on Foreign Relations, United States Senate, December 1992). Stephens and his Worthen National Bank invested in Harken Energy, a Texas company in which George Bush, Jr., was a board member. "The money Stephens invested came through the Swiss BCCI subsidiary" In 1987 First American bought the National Bank of Georgia, formerly acquired from Bert Lance by Pharaon. From the American Spectator 8/94 James Ring Adams "The public has an overwhelming interest in knowing what business networks have claims on a president and his family. In this context, Hillary's windfall in the futures market is chilling. . Hillary must still feel grateful to James Blair and Tyson Foods, Inc., who allegedly steered her to her trades; and to Refco and its president Thomas Dittmer, which brokered them..And the Clintons' futures trading may have made them further beholden to the Stephens bond empire of Arkansas--and entangled them indirectly but significan'tly with the Pakistani financiers who brought us BCCI. . Hillary's trading came to light in mid-March after Lloyd Cutler took over as White House counsel. In line with his new policy of "openness," the White House admitted to New York Times investigators that she had plunged $1,000 in the notoriously choppy futures market in October 1978, when her husband had emerged as the clear front-runner in his first race for governor. James Blair, general counsel for Tyson Foods, Inc., was her guide to the market. By the time she closed her accounts in May 1980, she had cleared $99,540, which allowed the strapped couple to put up a down payment on their house and buy tax-exempt municipal bonds.. The First Couple had reason to be embarrassed. Hillary had worked through the Springdale, Arkansas, office of Refco, a fast-growing Chicago-based commodities broker. Its Arkansas outpost catered primarily to Tyson Foods, the nation's largest poultry firm, whose operations give the small Ozark town a pungent, penetrating odor. Hillary's personal broker was a professional poker player and 13-year veteran of Tyson Foods named Robert L. "Red" Bone, who had already compiled a substantial record of exchange rules infractions. Just a month before he went to work for Hillary, he had completed a one-year partial suspension on charges of plotting to manipulate the egg-futures market on the Chicago Mercan'tile Exchange. (He later received a second, more serious suspension for violating the first one.) More significan'tly, at the end of Hillary's first year of trading, the Chicago Merc itself suspended Bone for three years for "allocating" trades--letting favored customers take the winning trades and dumping the losers on the rest. The action cited "serious and repeated violations of record-keeping functions, order-entry procedures, margin requirements and hedge procedures." Hillary's account wasn't specifically at issue, but it fit the pattern: her return on her first day of trading--more than $5,000 on $1,000 down--would have been mathematically impossible if Exchange rules were strictly followed. On October 15, 1979, Hillary's own investment adviser, Tyson counsel Blair, filed a suit charging Red Bone, Refco, and its president Thomas Dittmer with systematically taking their customers to the cleaners.. The Merc and the Board of Trade now run two of the best funded political action committees in the country. In 1993, the Merc's Commodity Futures Political Fund disbursed nearly $200,000, making it the eighth most generous finance, insurance, and real estate PAC.. During the 1970s, the Merc invented futures trading in foreign currencies and stock indices and metamorphosed from the bane of Midwest farmers into a major player in global finance. Credit for the growth goes to Leo Melamed, a World War II refugee first elected Merc chairman in 1969 and a dominant power ever since.. Refco, then and now, meant Thomas Dittmer, one of the boldest traders on the Merc. Dittmer pulled off a number of coups in the early 1980s, including a panic in soybean prices and a near corner on coffee, but his most memorable success was the boom in cattle futures that enriched Hillary. Dittmer used his windfall to make Refco a global player in metal refining, financial futures, and money management. In 1981, he joined the elite club of thirty-seven dealers who buy Treasury securities for the Federal Reserve. The connection with Refco entangled the Clintons, however remotely, in another segment of the web of influence-buying that was then being spun across the world by the Bank of Credit and Commerce International. By itself, this tie might not amount to much, but it takes on added interest from the complex relations between the Clintons and the Stephens family of Little Rock, financiers and Arkansas king-makers with their own BCCI entanglement. The role of Jackson Stephens as financial backer of Governor Clinton has already been widely reported, as has his service to the BCCI's penetration of the American financial market (see TAS, November 1992). But almost nothing has been said about the equally fascinating appearance of Refco in the affairs of the world's most corrupt bank. Refco and Stephens also maintained business ties, but it's an open question whether these involved the BCCI. It's also an open question whether Bill Clinton's brush with this world is influencing the federal government's efforts, or lack of effort, at getting to the bottom of the BCCI scandal. It can definitely be said, however, that Refco's international operations have attracted the interest of the untanglers of BCCI's affairs. BCCI is not only the world's largest single bank fraud, but also the most ubiquitous. It was founded in the Persian Gulf in 1972 by a Pakistani visionary named Agha Hasan Abedi, who inspired a cult-like devotion from his officers, primarily Urdu-speaking Pakistanis; he also steadfastly ignored economic reality, and wound up losing more than $10 billion. Increasingly desperate to cover his losses, he opened his doors to the world's vast underground economy, and BCCI became the central bank for terrorists, spies, arms dealers, and drug lords from Burma to Colombia. At the same time, his agents tried to buy their way into every political elite they encountered--including the Arkansas establishment that was watching the rise of the Clintons. In November 1977, Abedi met in Little Rock with Jimmy Carter's confidant Bert Lance and investment banker Jackson Stephens, a power above and beyond Bill Clinton. Out of this meeting came Abedi's celebrated takeover of an interstate banking chain based in Washington, D.C., patriotically renamed First American Bankshares and put in the hands of super-insider Clark Clifford. Coincidentally or not, Dittmer and Refco picked up a new client in the aftermath. The far-sighted Abedi had cultivated Sheikh Zayed well before the mid-seventies boom in oil prices, taking the avid falconer on lavish bustard hunts in the wilds of Pakistan. (Abedi's agents also catered to the less wholesome tastes of the portly Crown Prince Khalifa.) Zayed became the primary financial backer of the BCCI and still owns its remains. When Abedi decided to buy the Washington, D.C. bank that Jack Stephens was peddling, he advanced one of Sheikh Zayed's minor sons as a stockholder, with Darwaish acting as the boy's agent..The deal apparently whetted Darwaish's appetite for American investments. Around October 1979, he and several assistants set up a Panamanian shell corporation to trade in the American commodities markets. They worked through a Swiss brokerage and placed their orders with Refco. Through November, they transferred more than $100 million of Sheikh Zayed's money to America, primarily through BCCI headquarters in London. But the biggest loser with Refco was BCCI itself. From 1983 to 1985, the bank speculated recklessly in the futures market on U.S. Treasury bonds. The futures were a bet on the direction of interest rates and required split-second timing; one incredulous auditor found that BCCI was buying contracts and leaving them in desk drawers. Estimates of the losses reach $860 million.BCCI investigators are currently puzzling over another series of transactions involving Akbar. In addition to his role at the treasury department, he ran the bank's Grand Cayman branch..These murky global currents, apparently so remote from the Clintons, are looking more important in retrospect. Every new revelation suggests a deeper pattern of relationships than anyone had previously expected. The repeated appearance of the BCCI and its assorted fronts suggests that even now we underestimate Abedi's ambitions for penetrating the American economy. Through Capcom and Refco, his agents had become players in the Chicago Merc, which was then on its own way to becoming a major factor in global finance. Through its connections with major figures in the cable industry, Capcom and BCCI were apparently establishing a beachhead in American broadcasting. (The hand of the BCCI has been suspected in a minority investment these businessmen made in Ted Turner's Cable News Network.). At the time, however, Bill and Hillary very likely had almost no inkling about their benefactors' extensive connections. Everyone concerned is now trying to minimize their importance. The closest Clinton link to BCCI, Jackson Stephens, maintains that he was an entirely unwitting tool and only for a short time. BCCI prosecutors will agree that Stephens probably never met Darwaish or any other of the nominee shareholders in the takeover that created First American Bankshares. As the stockbroker who arranged to buy these shares, he acted for the account of a dissident faction of the bank's board (which included himself) in an attempt to oust its management.Yet the interconnections continue to multiply. Stephens Inc., the family brokerage considered one of the largest outside Wall Street, maintained links with Refco throughout the 1980s. In 1980, it cleared futures contracts through Conti Commodities, the international futures trader for Continental Grain Company; Conti was subsequently purchased by Refco. In 1981, Stephens Inc. opened an account with Refco itself, a relation renewed several times in the 1980s. When Hillary was trading with Refco, she also opened a commodities account at Stephens Inc. Yet the Stephens name has not otherwise figured in press accounts.. Beyond these questions is the very urgent matter of the BCCI investigations. At this writing, the U.S. Justice Department and Manhattan District Attorney Robert Morgenthau are debating how to handle the biggest BCCI figure yet to come to justice in the U.S. (Abedi himself, now an invalid in Pakistan, was recently convicted in absentia in an Abu Dhabi court and sentenced to eight years. But no one expects that the Pakistani government will deliver him to the justice of Sheikh Zayed.) In a deal in May, Abu Dhabi turned over Swaleh Naqvi, Abedi's number two man, to American custody. Since then he has been in the hands of the federal government, which is negotiating a plea bargain, while D.A. Morgenthau's more aggressive investigators make no secret of their frustration at his lack of cooperation. Does the Clinton administration really have the heart to press Naqvi for all of the BCCI's secrets? The saga of Capcom and Refco suggests that the embarrassment could start in its own back yard.." Abu Nidal From William Rempel and Douglas Frantz Los Angeles Times 9/30/91 "The Bank of Credit & Commerce International handled millions of dollars in illegal arms transactions for Palestinian terrorist Abu Nidal in an effort to persuade its wealthy Mideast backers that the bank was staunchly pro-Arab, according to a former high-ranking bank official. British weapons secretly destined for the terrorist's arsenal -- some of them for resale to Iraq and elsewhere -- were financed through BCCI offices here and shipped under export documents that bank officials knew to be phony, records and interviews disclosed. "During the Iran-Iraq War, the bank wanted to show to the Arab world that we supported Iraq, and we did that through support of Abu Nidal for several years," said Ghassan Qassem, a 17-year BCCI officer who served as Abu Nidal's personal banker and became a spy inside the bank for Western intelligence agencies. The bank was a vehicle for transmitting money to Abu Nidal from wealthy Arabs who supported his work as a matter of political conviction and from individuals and governments that contributed funds as a form of protection against terrorist attacks aimed at them." From BBC Summary Al-Hayat 8/20/98 "'Al-Hayat'has learnt that the Egyptian security authorities have arrested Sabri al-Banna (Abu Nidal). The security sources, however, have refused to reveal details of the arrest, in what can be considered to be the second most important operation after the arrest of Carlos. It is worth mentioning that Banna is the leader of the first group to break away from the PLO, that he has been expelled from Syria and from Iraq, and that he is suffering from health problems. 'Al-Hayat'asked Muhammad Subayh, Palestine National Council secretary and Palestinian envoy to the Arab League, about the arrest. He denied any knowledge of it and said that Sabri al-Banna is wanted by the Palestinian [National] Authority on charges of murdering several PLO leaders. Subayh said that Banna has been in hiding for over a year... " From BBC Summary Al-Hayat 8/21/98 "The Egyptian official news agency MENA circulated late on the night before last a statement by an Egyptian source denying reports by the German news agency that Cairo had arrested Sabri al-Banna (Abu Nidal), leader of Fatah - The Revolutionary Council. President Yasir Arafat who yesterday met President Husni Mubarak in Cairo also denied any knowledge of the arrest. 'Al- Hayat'had published reports of his arrest based on a statement by sources who said that the man is very ill. An official in the Abu Nidal group in Beirut refused to make any comments on the report published by 'Al- Hayat' yesterday. He said: " We have no official comment on the report. If any such comment is issued we will pass it on to you." However, the Israeli newspaper 'Yediot Aharonot' said, citing " private sources" , yesterday that Abu Nidal's arrest took place some days ago. Meanwhile, 'Al-Hayat' has learnt from informed sources that Abu Nidal' s state of health is deteriorating, and it is said likely that he has contracted a chronic brain disease. The sources said that his condition is critical and that he is undergoing treatment. " From Agence France Presse 8/23/98 "The Fatah Revolutionary Council on Sunday denied press reports its founder Abu Nidal had been arrested in Egypt and was in hospital dying of cancer. "Reports that our brother Abu Nidal has been arrested and that he is seriously ill are completely baseless," the group said in a statement. "These stories are being spread by intelligence services hostile to the Palestinian cause and are an attempt to divide our ranks and help the capitulating leadership" of Palestinian Authority President Yasser Arafat, it said. " Stephens and Riady From the American Spectator James Ring Adams 10/92 "Mike McAlary, the New York Post's specialist on organized crime, scored a genuine scoop last February: "Clinton and BCCI candidate's money man linked to scandal bank," the headline ran. It involved large-scale Arab influence on American politicians of both parties. It came directly from a sterling source, the office of Manhattan District Attorney Robert Morgenthau, a distinguished Democrat. But no major paper followed up on the story. The Wall Street Journal even dismissed it in an article on the Post's savaging of Clinton in the raucous New York primary. . Although this web seems devoted both to personal enrichment and political influence, it would be paranoid to call it a criminal conspiracy. Its main figures are known as upright patriots. Yet their friends, and friends of their friends, share a startling propensity for financial scandal. Some have received substantial prison sentences, and these were just for domestic misdeeds. The foreign involvements stretch from Abu Dhabi and Jeddah to Hong Kong and Jakarta, and deal extensively with the notorious Bank of Credit and Commerce International (BCCI), the central bank of global corruption. Whatever one makes of this mix of respectability and rogue banking, Bill Clinton now offers it another avenue to political power.. The apparent proof that Washington is protecting a somewhat sinister crew of political fundraisers has generated disgust with both parties and all incumbents. The phenomenon of H. Ross Perot had less to do with the virtues of Perot than with the failings of everyone else. It's ironic that Bill Clinton stands to reap the ultimate benefit from this disillusionment, for his campaign has been deeply indebted to a figure who stands as close to this permanent network as anyone still active in American finance, and who has acted as an agent for BCCI and its Saudi backers from that bank's first encroachments in America. Although Jackson Stephens has escaped the network's criminal entanglements, he clearly deserves the scrutiny the press has so far failed to provide..The district attorney's leak about Clinton was almost certainly prompted by a New York Times series on the candidates' campaign finances. Without appreciating the significance of the news, Jeff Gerth reported that Clinton had received about $100,000 in contributions from associates of the Little Rock financier Jackson Stephens and a $2 million line of credit from the Worthen Bank of Little Rock, which Stephens substantially controlled. Stephens's name rings a loud gong with anyone who has investigated the career of BCCI in the United States. He was one of the crucial figures in opening American banking to Agha Hasan Abedi, the mystical Pakistani founder of BCCI. Stephens's bank and his personal lawyer, the former employer of Hillary Clinton, were separately involved in the local versions of two of the largest financial scandals of the 1980s. Yet Stephens was always considered either an innocent bystander or a victim. In all his dealings, his personal prestige has remained unchallenged.. The relations between the Stephenses and Clinton give a sharp insight into Arkansas politics, but they become truly notable because of Mr. Jack's other business ties, especially with T. Bertram Lance.. The election of Jimmy Carter redirected this group's energies from regional banking to global finance. Jack Stephens found himself dealing with banks from Pakistan to Indonesia. The immediate cause was Bert Lance's need to divest his stock in the National Bank of Georgia. Lance had become the director of the Office of Management and Budget as Carter's first cabinet appointment, and during his confirmation he promised to sell his NBG stock by the end of 1977. But he had borrowed heavily to buy it, and a sale at market price would have wiped him out. While Lance ran into a hot, humid summer of trouble over his other bank deals, Stephens tried to broker an NBG sale at favorable terms. The bidders included a business friend of the Butchers, an Indonesian banker, and a Saudi businessman named Ghaith Pharaon, indicted last year as a front man for the BCCI. Through the fall of 1977, and Lance's own fall from his position at OMB (he resigned in September under pressure from the Senate), Stephens negotiated directly with BCCI's founder and maximum leader Agha Hasan Abedi.. Abedi's agents quickly snapped up the available stock from Stephens's faction and in mid-December commissioned Stephens to buy more on the open market. The BCCI officer running the show in Washington was a Pakistani named Abdus Sami; by the end of January 1978 he reported to Abedi that he had hired a prominent Washington attorney to help with takeover suits and filings with the regulators. The lawyer was Clark Clifford. (Clifford and his young partner Robert Altman had represented Lance during his Senate troubles. Lance takes credit for introducing Clifford to BCCI.) .Then the deal blew up in everyone's face. .. Although Stephens escaped from the BCCI snare, he continued his foreign entanglements. The sale of Bert Lance's National Bank of Georgia left the Little Rock broker with an unusual partner, a very rich Indonesian banker named Mochtar Riady. Ethnically Chinese but well connected to the highest levels of Indonesian politics, Riady started his career in a Jakarta bicycle shop and built up a financial empire called the Lippo Group. He entered the bidding for Lance's bank in 1977 through the intercession of an international broker named Robert B. Anderson, who had been secretary of the Treasury under President Eisenhower. (Anderson died in disgrace a few years ago after pleading guilty to federal charges of tax evasion and money laundering.) But Stephens offered Riady an even better deal. The two first joined hands in a Hong Kong brokerage. Then in 1984, Riady gave his backing to Mr. Jack's most ambitious venture, an attempt to turn a chain of home-town Arkansas banks into a world-class financial player. In a busy first quarter of 1984, Stephens and Riady pumped capital into a statewide chain called First Arkansas Bankcorp, merged with another group of banks owned by C. Joseph Giroir, Jr., and renamed it Worthen Banking Corporation. (Remember Joe Giroir's name. As chairman of the Rose Law Firm in Little Rock, he gave Hillary Clinton the job she still holds. Thanks to him, the University of Arkansas law professor became a big-time corporate lawyer.) Riady sent his son James to Little Rock as president of the national bank subsidiary Worthen Bank and Trust and started to buy out Joe Giroir's shares. The Arkansas bankers talked of exporting rice to Asia and predicted that their two-billion-dollar bank would quickly grow to ten billion. Then another disaster struck..As regulators caught on to the sophisticated fraud, they discovered that -- lo and behold -- the same thing was happening at Jack Stephens's Worthen Bank and Trust. A government-securities trading company from Livingston, New Jersey, called Bevill, Bresler & Schulman went bankrupt on Easter Sunday, a month after the ESM collapse and the Home State crisis, leaving Worthen with $52 million in uncollectible loans. (Remarkably, at one point Bevill, Bresler and ESM had overlapping personnel.) Once again, however, Jack Stephens persuaded the government that he was an innocent party. Worthen collected $20 million in insurance on the loss, barely averting insolvency. But the federal regulators went through its books with heightened diligence. By the end of the summer, the comptroller of the currency had cited Worthen Banking Corp. for making "excessive loans at preferential terms" to companies controlled by the Stephens brothers and Mochtar Riady. This practice, charged the comptroller, amounted to a violation of federal law. .. A Worthen spokesman says the bank parted ways with the Riadys several years later, so that Little Rock had no role in the latest regathering of loose ends. When BCCI was closed around the world last year, setting off riots at its Hong Kong branch, a buyer stepped forward, offering a highly favorable deal for the Bank of Credit and Commerce Hong Kong Ltd.. The would-be rescuer was Mochtar Riady's Lippo Group.. " Wall Street Journal 9/29/98 "... We know that the world's largest bank fraud can go almost unnoticed, except to Manhattan District Attorney Robert Morgenthau. We refer, in case you've forgotten, to the Bank of Credit & Commerce International, which was back in the news in two jurisdictions last week. In Washington, Clark Clifford and Robert Altman agreed to give up $18.5 million in claims on stock and legal fees connected with First American Bankshares, the BCCI front they once headed in the nation's capital. In Luxembourg, BCCI auditors Price Waterhouse and Ernst & Young agreed to a payment of $125 million to the defunct bank's customers; the creditors will now recover more than half their money--more than quadruple the best estimates at the time BCCI went under. These people, many of them Pakistani nationals in Britain, will be mighty glad that Mr. Morgenthau pursued the case when the Bank of England, the Justice Department and various others ducked. Yet for all the smoke Mr. Morgenthau uncovered we have only glimmers of the fire that led to it all. There are still unresolved questions about the political patronage that has helped shield BCCI principals from a full reckoning, and in particular about how a crooked Pakistani-Arab bank got control of the largest bank in Washington, D.C. In this respect, the Altman-Clifford settlement is particularly striking. At issue has always been whether the two knew that BCCI was the real owner of First American, of which they were, respectively, president and chairman.." Wall Street Journal 9/29/98 Yet the essential mystery remains. Doubtless that's just the way many would like to leave it, because the names that pop up read like some kind of Who's Who. There is, to begin with, a large Arkansas connection, since Little Rock investment giant Stephens Inc. assembled the bloc of First American stock for the BCCI front men. Assisting in these transactions was the now-famous Rose Law Firm, then headed by Joseph Giroir, more lately a representative of the Riady family of Indonesia and participant in the notorious September 13, 1995, Oval Office meeting at which John Huang was dispatched to his fund-raising tasks. Rose Attorney Hillary Rodham represented a Stephens subsidiary, the Systematics bank-data processing firm, in a related lawsuit. James Riady made his first appearance in Little Rock about the time these transactions took place, with his family ending up with a piece of the Stephens-dominated Worthen Bank. Another player was Bert Lance, Jimmy Carter's disgraced head of Office of Management and Budget, who apparently hoped to head First American himself. All of these people deny that they knew anything crooked was taking place, just a group of smart, well-connected Friends of Bill stunningly ignorant about the people they were doing business with. Yet since the mystery has never been cleared up, you can't blame those of us who followed it from remembering names as they turn up in today's news. Nicholas Katzenbach, for instance; the former Attorney General surfaced last week with two of Mr. Clinton's serial White House counsels, defending the President against impeachment in a New York Times op-ed. We remember that Mr. Katzenbach replaced Mr. Clifford when the latter resigned from First American in 1991. Ditto for John E. "Jack" Ryan, who ended up as head of the Resolution Trust Company and denied Rep. Jim Leach's request for documents relating to Madison Guaranty Trust, the Whitewater S&L. We remember that it was under Mr. Ryan's watch as head of bank supervision at the! Fed that BCCI won approval to buy First American.." Click Here for the full Senate report on BCCI The American Spectator 12/96 James Ring Adams "...The Indo-money affair is cut from the same cloth as the scandal of the Bank of Credit and Commerce International, which earlier this decade led to the bank fraud indictment of former Defense Secretary and presidential adviser Clark Clifford. (The federal and New York State case against Clifford was later dropped because of his advanced age and the acquittal of his associate Robert Altman on similar charges.) The BCCI was trying to buy hidden control of American banks to build its global empire and also to wield influence for its Arab patrons. The Riadys and their allies had in addition the motive of sheer survival. They have been investing in Bill Clinton for twelve years, and one can understand why they would disregard American campaign law in the effort to preserve their stake. Where things get shocking was in the arrogant response of the White House and the Democratic National Committee when the scandal erupted. In quantity and quality the Indo-money case dwarfs any influence-peddling scandal in memory, even for those who recall the worst of the Nixon years. When the slumbering press awoke to the story (about a year after TAS put it on our cover), it discovered that the Riadys had managed to place a former senior employee of their Lippo Group inside the Clinton administration, with extraordinary access both to the Oval Office and to Asian contributors. But John Huang, with his $4 million in DNC fund-raising and fifty visits to the White House, was a relatively small player in a network that included the richest men of South Asia. Even the Riadys were only one of several conduits in a political penetration that may have shaped human rights and trade policy and even diplomatic relations with a number of countries along the Pacific Rim, including the most sensitive one of all, the People's Republic of China...." James Ring Adams 10/92 The American Spectator ".. Even after the sharp contraction of Worthen Bank's ambitions, Jack Stephens and Stephens Inc. kept their foreign deals going. The one now gaining most notoriety put together Saudi money men, elements of the BCCI network, and George W. Bush, eldest son of the President. The deal, first reported by David Twersky of the Forward and then covered in some depth by the Wall Street Journal, provided financing for the Harken Energy Corp. of Houston. Eyebrows were raised when this small and untried company landed a "potentially lucrative" offshore drilling contract with the Persian Gulf princedom of Bahrain. Many saw it as no coincidence that George W. Bush, often called George, Jr., sat on the board of Harken with a consulting contract worth as much as $120,000 a year. But the fascinating details came in the financial history that put George Jr. in this position. In the late 1970s, George Jr. tried to emulate his father's business success in the Oil Patch by setting up a series of drilling partnerships. Called Arbusto '78, Arbusto '79, and so forth, they attracted capital from, among others, a Houston aircraft broker and financial manager named James Bath, who according to a former associate had acted as liaison between Saudi businessmen and the Central Intelligence Agency in 1976, the year in which George Bush, the elder, served as director of central intelligence. Bath's associate also disclosed in the course of a bitter legal fight that Bath managed millions of dollars of Houston investments for Sheik Khalid bin Mahfouz, the most important commercial banker in Saudi Arabia and for a time one of the largest shareholders in BCCI. Manhattan District Attorney Robert Morgenthau indicted Sheik bin Mahfouz this July for a "scheme to defraud" in connection with his investments in BCCI. George W. Bush has given conflicting statements about Bath's investment in Arbusto, finally admitting to the Wall Street Journal that he was aware that Bath represented Saudi investors. The Arbusto partnerships were busts as money-makers, but the investors managed to recoup their stakes through several stock swaps that wound up giving them shares in Harken Energy. But Harken itself needed help, and George Jr. gave it a boost in finding new financing through Stephens Inc. George Jr. attended a meeting in Little Rock between Harken officials and Jackson Stephens that produced an unusual rescue plan. Mr. Jack obtained a $25 million cash infusion for Harken from Union Bank of Switzerland, which rarely invested in small American companies. .." Hi, More Google research for you to peruse. This one is about The Bush, Saudi, Ossama connection . http://www.g-vision.com/newsletter/connection.shtml THE GW BUSH--OSAMA BIN LADIN CONNECTION James R. Bath, friend and neighbor of George W. Bush, was used as a cash funnel from Osama bin Laden's rich father, Sheikh bin Laden, to set George W. Bush up in business, according to reputable sources from the Wall Street Journal and the New York Times. The connection between GW Bush, the bin Laden family, and the Bank Commerce Credit International (BCCI) is well documented. The excerpts from the books and news articles are supplemented by the links at the bottom of the page to the cash flow charts of the bin Laden-backed BCCI money which was funneled into the Bush family in return for favors. Just click on the links at the bottom of the page to see the flow charts and use the back and forward keys on the screen to return to this page where you can then access the next flow chart link. "Bath--who made his fortune by investing money for Mahfouz and another BCCI-connected Saudi, Sheikh bin-Laden--...was an original investor in George Bush Jr.'s oil exploration company..." from The Outlaw Bank, page 229. "Bath provided financing to George W. Bush, the future president's eldest son, when he went into the oil business..." from False Profits, page 365. Bath told me he was in the CIA...he had been recruited by George Bush himself 1n 1976 when Bush was director of the agency...Bath and George, Jr. were pals and flew together in the same Air National Guard unit, and Bath lived down the street from the Bush family when George, Sr. was living in Houston...he became representative for Sheikh Khalid bin-Mafouz...one of the richest men in the world, and he was a controlling shareholder in...BCCI..." from The Outlaw Bank, page 228. "BCCI was charged with laundering drug money..." from False Profits, page 433. Back to Top "During George Bush's tenure as CIA director, the agency was allegedly involved in a very curious business deal with James R. Bath, a Texas businessman who is a friend and sometime financial backer of one of Bush's sons (George Bush, Jr.). Bath was also a business associate of Khalid bin Mafouze and an important BCCI insider." from http://www.freerepublic.com/forum.a1000396.htm "...BCCI would make payments to key officials, sometimes in suitcases filled with cash. As BCCI officer Abdur Askhia stated in interviews tithe Subcommittee staff: Abedi's philosophy was to appeal to every sector. President Carter's main thing was charity, so he gave Carter charity. Pakistani President Zia's brother in law needed a job, he got a job. Bangladeshi president Ashraf's mistress needed a job, she got a job. Admission of your son to a top college, he would arrange it somehow. There was a world wide list of people who were in the payoff of BCCI...". from United States Senate Subcommittee Report on Bank Credit Commerce International, 1992--the Kerry Committee. Osama bin Laden, whose funds were inherited from his father, Sheikh bin Laden's BCCI investments, has been operating out of Afghanistan since he was established as a conduit for CIA funds in the 1980's. "Afghanistan was by far the biggest; it was, in fact, the biggest CIA operationof all time, both in terms of dollars spent ($5-$6 billion) and personnel involved..."from the book The CIA's Greatest Hits. The story of the Bush involvement in the BCCI scandal involved "trails that branched, crossed one another, or came to unexpected dead ends...". It was like a "three dimensional chess game." from The Outlaw Bank, page 227. Back to Top The BCCI bribery connection went straight to the George Bush oval office. The White House political director, a man whom the Senate noted sat in on presidential meetings, named Ed Rogers, was hired away from the Chief of Staff's Office to represent the BCCI's American representative, Sheik Adham. "Q-Mr. President, considering your concern about propriety in government, what was your reaction when a senior member of your White House staff, Ed Rogers, left the White House employ and signed a contract with a Saudi sheikh accused of being a key figure in the BCCI scandal? The President-Well, he is a free citizen to do anything he wants once he leaves the White House. My concern is about the White House itself, that it be beyond any perception of impropriety. Q-Well, what do you think he was selling to the Saudis except for accessing--- The President--Ask him. I don't know anything what he's selling. I don't know anything about this man, excpet I've read bad stuff about him. And I don't like what I read about him. But I would suggest that the matter is best dealt with by asking this man what kind of representation he is doing for this sheikh. But it has nothing to do, in my view, with the White House." from the Official Papers of the Presidents, Press Conference, October 25, 1991. George Herbert Walker Bush. The Senate Commitee on BCCI, the Kerrey Committee, noted that Ed Rogers, the White House political director, was hired directly away by the BCCI sheikh and paid, along with a hitherto unknown assistant named Haley Barbour (later to become National Republican Committee Chairman), the sum of $600,000 to not do much of nothing. The Senate Committee concluded that it, along with the "gifts" of cash to GW Bush, was intended to influence President Bush. After GW Bush's company, Arbrusto, went bust, the bin Laden connection with BCCI went to work once again to prop up the president's son and to buy influence. GW swapped out shares until he had an interest in a new company, Harken Energy, which quickly received a lucrative oil concession in Bahrain. An "extraordinary number of people connected to Harken or the oil deal have ties to BCCI...Sheikh Khalifa bin-Salman al-Khalifa helped to ensure that Harken was awarded the offshore drilling contract...Sheikh Abdullah Taha Baksh..Ghairth Pharaon...Bin Mahfouz...Talat Othman who has visited the White House..." from False Profits, page 370. "Knowledgeable oil company sources believe that the Bahrain oil concession was indeed an oblique favor to the president of the United States but say that Saudi Arabia (home of bin Laden) was behind the Decision". from Outlaw Bank, page 230. Back to Top The payback was access: "After the Harken-Bahrain deal was signed, Talat Othman was added to a group of Arabs who met with George Bush and National Security Adviser Brent Scowcroft three times in 1990 -- once just two days after Iraq invaded Kuwait. Othman was the representative of Sheikh Abdullah Bakhsh, who purchased 10% of Harken stock and had several ties to the infamous BCCI bank. Bakhsh was a co-investor in Saudi Arabia with alleged BCCI front man Ghaith Pharaon. Bakhsh's banker, Khalid bin Mahfouz, was another BCCI figure and head of the largest bank in Saudi Arabia. Sheikh Kalifah, the prime minister of Bahrain, was a BCCI shareholder and played the key role in selecting Harken for the oil contract." from http://www.realchange.org/bushjr.htm "Brent Scowcroft, the national security advisor to President Bush, said that the younger Bush clearly lacks international credentials as reported to the Boston Globe April 5th. "Is he comfortable with foreign policy? I would say not." Scowcroft said. The governor's main experience "was being around when his father was in his many positions." from http://www.georgebush2000.com/ Three dimensional Chess Game--Click on Writing James R. Bath cash flow George W. Bush Bank Credit Commerce International BCCI Official Reports and the Bush White House--click Official US Senate Report--BCCI Crimes Official US Senate Report--Ed Rogers and BCCI Ed Rogers--Cash Flowchart BUSH AFGHANISTAN FLOWCHART Bush Afghanistan Policy Flow Chart *LINK TO MONEY FUNNEL FROM BUSH TO BIN LADEN Back to Top............................................................. Home Back to Articles Index Health and Healing The UFO Connection Earh History and Ancient Wisdom Permaculture Vaccination Yoga Tantra Face Reading NLP Dolphins and Whales Suppressed Health Information Contact Us Recommended Links Subscribe to our Newsletter All content © 2001 Global Vision International Pty. Ltd. Site Hosted & Managed by WebsiteManagementServices.com Hi, I have been so late in writing! Today's Planet Proctor was supposed to have been forwarded the week before Father's Day. The quote from King George was timely. See a couple of cool desktop pics of the Moon at my Photolinks Page http://funandmagic.com/photolinks2.htm . Have a magic day, Magic Mike http://funandmagic.com/ (((((((((((((((((((((((((((PLANET PROCTOR 2002-15 - http://www.planetproctor.com "My father was frightened of his father, I was frightened of my father and I'm damn well going to see to it that my children are frightened of me." - King George V (1865-1936) BACK/EAST I returned from a fabulous trip to Broadway, Yale and West Hartford to the big news that I'm to be the voice of "Big Brother", one of this summer's returning big reality shows on the big eye, CBS. It's for 13 weeks starting in July every Wednesday, Thursday and Saturday -- and they can't cancel us! I hope you all tune in. Remember, I'll be watching... "Spread the diaper in the position of the diamond with you at bat. Then fold second base down to home and set the baby on the pitcher's mound. Put first base and third together, bring up home plate and pin the three together. Of course, in case of rain, you gotta call the game and start all over again." - Jimmy Piersal, 1968 DADDY'S BEDTIME TALES JACK AND JILL went up the hill To have a little fun. Careless Jill forgot the pill And now they have a son. MARY HAD A LITTLE LAMB, her father shot it dead. Now it goes to school with her Between two hunks of bread. LITTLE MISS MUFFET sat on a tuffet, Her clothes all tattered and torn. It wasn't a spider that crept up beside her But Little Boy Blue and his horn. THERE WAS A LITTLE GIRL, Who had a little curl Right in the middle of her forehead. And when she was good, she was very, very good But when she was bad, she got a fur coat, jewels and a sports car. HUMPTY DUMPTY sat on a wall Humpty Dumpty had a great fall. All the Kings horses and all the Kings men Had scrambled eggs for breakfast, again. (Source unknown) "Jack Lemmon was the best f**ing man!" - Tony Curtis in "Vanity Fair" DADDY'S "KIDS" The ten most popular pet names from a recent survey were reveled to be Max, Sam, Lady, Bear, Smokey (sic), Shadow, Kitty, Molly, Buddy and Brandy followed close up the behind by Ginger, Baby, Misty, Missy, Pepper, Jake, Bandit, Tiger, Samantha, Lucky, Muffin, Princess, Maggie, Charlie, Sheba, Rocky, Patches, Tigger, Rusty, and Buster. And so, at the risk of embarrassment, which has never stopped me before, I offer you our personal "pet names" for our two cats, Chester and Wilma, affectionately known around here as "the kids". For clarification, Chester is a drop-dead handsome black and white rag-doll fall-down tuxedo and Wilma a rather small, tiger-striped, noisy gray huntress. Chester goes off to work every day after a ritual roll on the upper and lower patios and either shows up in the afternoon for a long nap in the shade or returns for dinner at five (if he's not held over at the office). He sleeps with my wife. Wilma is all girl. She's very talkative and expressive, loves to be brushed, stretches out like a seductress and drags herself across the floor every morning. On a good day, she goes out and brings us a dead mole, on a bad day, a bird. Around four she announces dinnertime and scolds us until it's served. She sleeps on me. Our nicknames for Chester include "Son", Our Boy, Big Boy, Mr. Man, The Mister, Mister C, Chesty, Chesty-boy, Chester-wester, Chesterino, Chestosterone, Handsome, Lover Boy, the Bottomless Love Bucket, the Purr Meister Mr. Tuxedo, Mr. Meatloaf and The Pasha. For Wilma: Miss Screech, Little Miss, Our Little Girl, "Daughter", Woo-woo, Bunny, Bun-bun, the Bunster, "Crotch Rabbit", Creeper, the Gray Streak, Mudhen, the Wilmster, Willoo and Fur Factory. (I shudder to see your responses to these hideous revelations, but I'm sure I'll get what I deserve). "Dorothy Parker (Rothschild), was expelled from Catholic school for insisting that the Immaculate Conception was really spontaneous combustion." - Phil's Phunny Phacts BE A REAL MAN! A two-year degree is being offered these days at Yale under the assumption that men need (or ought) to be trained for marriage, So, whether you're presently married or contemplating it, here's how to get your MA and become a Bachelor (sic) of Male Arts. First Year/Autumn Schedule MEN 101 Combating Stupidity MEN 102 You, Too, Can Do Housework MEN 103 PMS. Learn When to Keep Your Mouth Shut MEN 104 We Do Not Want Sleazy Knickers for Christmas ECON 001A What's Hers is Hers Winter Schedule MEN 110 Wonderful Laundry Techniques MEN 111 Understanding the Female Response to Getting in at 4am MEN 112 Parenting: It Doesn't End with Conception EAT 100 Get a Life, Learn to Cook Spring Schedule MEN 120 How NOT to Act Like a Butt-face When You're Wrong MEN 121 Understanding Your Incompetence MEN 122 YOU, the Weaker Sex MEN 123 Reasons to Give Flowers ECON 001C What Was Yours is Hers Year Two/Autumn SEX 101 You CAN Fall Asleep Without Sex SEX 102 Morning Dilemma: If "It's" Awake -- Take a Shower SEX 103 How You Can Stay Awake After Sex MEN 201 How to Put the Toilet Seat Down Winter MEN 210 The Remote Control: Overcoming Your Dependency MEN 211 How to Not Act Younger than Your Children MEN 212 You, Too, Can Be a Designated Driver MEN 213 Honest, You Don't Look Like Tom Cruise MEN 230A Her Birthdays and Anniversaries Are Important Spring MEN 220 Omitting %&*! From Your Vocabulary (Pass/Fail Only) MEN 221 Fluffing the Blanket After Farting Is Not Necessary MEN 222 Real Men Ask for Directions MEN 223 Thirty Minutes of Begging is NOT Considered Foreplay MEN 230B Her Birthdays and Anniversaries Are Important 2 Course Electives: MEN 231 Mothers-in-law MEN 232 How To Appear to Be Listening MEN 233 How To Just Say, "Yes, Dear" EAT 102 Eating Utensils - What Are They For? EAT 103 Burping and Belching Discreetly ECON 001 Divorce? It's Cheaper to Keep Her (SIGN UP NOW!!!) "When Sir Elton John was handed a script for the jubilee at Buckingham Palace with the first line 'Fifty years, a queen', he purportedly quipped, 'How did they know my age?' - Columnist Cathy Griffin in "Beverly Hills (213)" BLOWN OUT OF PROPORTION According to planeteer Bill Vallely by route of Reuters, a Munich man was interrogated recently on suspicion of foul play when observed lugging a dead body into his apartment. However, when the officers told the man they were investigating a murder, a spokeswoman said that he showed them a newly acquired "silicon sex doll" which he was adding to his already copious collection of latex ladies. Apparently, the article revealed, he was actually "breaking in" his new girlfriend when police arrived. "Most of Thorton Wilder's perennially popular 'Our Town' was penned in a small town outside of Zurich, Switzerland, according to my classmate, 'Tappy' Wilder." - Phil's Phunny Phacts CLOSE THE BOOK ...on the wonderful life of innovative art book publisher Paul Gottlieb, who employed my late mother, Audre, at Horizon and American Heritage in New York in the 60s and 70s. He died suddenly at 67 of a heart attack, Wednesday past. I had talked to him recently about attending a memorial gathering for Mom hosted at my pal, Charles Moed's stylish Manhattan penthouse a few weeks ago and was shocked to learn of his untimely demise. Born the son of Russian emigres not far from the Metropolitan Museum of Art, I remember speaking Russian and French with him at our frequent meetings. He was an imposing and elegant man but in the LA Times obit, Elaine Woo noted that he referred to himself as a "wastrel" in college and was expelled for a semester after having "a paralyzingly good time" in pursuit of women and wine. He had just retired after two decades as President of Harry Abrams Publishing. And "wooden" you know, we also must say farewell to the 460-year-old Wye Mills, Maryland oak tree, felled in a storm Thursday. At the time of it's undoing it was 104 feet tall, 32 feet around and weighed 200 tons. We should all live so long... "How did golf get its name? All the other four-letter words were taken." - Judge Steff Graae, Yale '62 THE PLANET TURNS... ...next orbit to tales of plays, Yale (my 40th Reunion), Luke's "Animal Party", and a trip to Mark Twain's house in Hartford! Stay turned... "Roast Tenderloin of Beef 'Saigon' and Chocolate Decadence Cake." - Dinner, Yale '62 SITES FOR SOAR AYES SEEING 20/20 - http://www.clydelewis.com/twenty.html THE BURNING BUSH - http://www.schmoo.co.uk/hookers.htm ++++++++++++(JUNE 7, 2002)++++++++++ * FIRESIGN: http://www.firesigntheatre.com * FIREZINE: http://www.firezine.net * FIRESIGN STUFF: http://www.lodestone-media.com * RARE RE-RELEASES: http:// www.laugh.com * FUNNY TIMES: http://www.funnytimes.com PLANET PROCTOR (C) 2002 by Phil Proctor Have a magic day, Magic Mike http://funandmagic.com/ Hi, So by the time I got to here, another missive (missle?) from the Planet Proctor arrived. I am moving it into Orbit around your mailbox. Have a magic day, Magic Mike http://funandmagic.com (((((((((((((((((((((((((((PLANET PROCTOR 2002-16 - http://www.planetproctor.com "I may not always like the way I look, but I like the way I feel." - Proctor "We are what we feel." - Peterson PARTY ANIMALS Before we left on our East Coast adventure, we received an elaborate multi-paged sticker-art invitation to an Animal Party, to be held, rain or shine, at the home of Art and Linda Peterson in West Hartford. It was the brainstorm of Melinda's nephew, Master Luke Peterson, aged five, and upon our arrival on the afternoon of the event, he planned to meet us on the front lawn with Mickey Mouse trays of hors d'ouevres which he'd prepared at six a.m. that morning. Unfortunately, his dad had innocently asked, "Luke, what are you doing" as he lurked in the vestibule, and the partymeister, obviously under some stress, had a minor tantrum and retired to his room momentarily to compose himself. Upon his return, as we were nursing our Absolut martinis with olives and maggots, we were presented with the insect-themed appetizers composed of olives and cheese held together by toothpicks. My favorite was the "Black Olive Ant" and Melinda's "The Sting Mouth" - a slightly stale cheese square with a toothpick poking out. After donning various animal hats and masks - I wore a fetching pig snout -- salad was served, and while Chef Art prepared our Southwestern Cuisine main course, we engaged in games of "Hit the Angel in the Penis" and Lion-Pinata bashing, After our delicious entree of pork with mango salsa, in place of a palate cleanser, we were asked to "choose our weapons" from a tray bearing pistols shaped like dolphins, sharks and whales, and had a wide-ranging back lawn water fight. There were no winners. Finally, for dessert, Luke served his Dad a "Tiltaworld", Mel a "Glory World", his mom, a "Glory Brownie" and I, the "Avalanche Sundae" with a cascade of edible silver pearls. The evening was capped by an animal release ritual. Two baby bunnies and five toads, all originally captured on the premises by our gracious five-year-old host, were allowed to return to the wild. "If you drink a martini, don't drive. Don't even putt." - Dean Martin BE "IN" FASHION The Antaeus Company presents a semi-staged reading of Anna Cora Mowatt's 1840 Broadway hit "FASHION (an American Comedy)", Directed by Emily Chase, featuring songs by Stephen Foster under the Musical Direction by Jan Powell with piano by Matt Goldsby, and featuring Gigi Bermingham, Emily Chase, John Combs, Marty Ferraro, Adam LeBow, Bill Mendieta, Richard Miro, Phil Proctor, JJ Rodgers, Amy Tolsky, Marcelo Tubert and Katy Tyszkiewicz. And it's FREE!!! On Monday, June 17th @ 7:30 pm in the Providence High School Multi-Purpose Room, 511 South Buena Vista Street, Burbank, across from Disney Studios. "'Insomnia' deserves to be the summer's biggest sleeper." - Review in People BETTER LATE THAN NEVER (Hey Hector, This was forwarded to me by Cassandra; it looks legit. Please distribute to Priam, Hecuba, and your 99 siblings. Thanks, Laocoon) **WARNING! IF YOU RECEIVE A GIFT IN THE SHAPE OF A LARGE WOODEN HORSE DO NOT DOWNLOAD IT!!!! IT IS EXTREMELY DESTRUCTIVE AND WILL OVERWRITE YOUR ENTIRE CITY!** The "gift" is disguised as a large wooden horse about two stories tall. It tends to show up outside the city gates and appears to be abandoned. DO NOT let it through the gates! It contains hardware that is incompatible with Trojan programming, including a crowd of heavily armed Greek warriors that will destroy your army, sack your town, and kill your women and children. If you have already received such a gift, DO NOT OPEN IT! Take it out of the city unopened and set fire to it by the beach. ++FORWARD THIS MESSAGE TO EVERYONE YOU KNOW!++ Poseidon FROM: hector@studmuffin.com TO: laocoon@doomgloom.edu Laocoon, I hate to break to you, but this is one of the oldest hoaxes around. I've seen variants on this warning come through on other listservs, one involving some kind of fruit that was supposed to kill the people who ate it and one having to do with something called the "Midas Touch." Here are a few tipoffs: 1) This "Forward this message to everyone you know" crap. If it were really meant as a warning about the Greek army, why tell anyone to post it to the Phoenicians, Sumerians, and Cretans? 2) Use of exclamation points. Always a giveaway. 3) It's signed "from Poseidon." Granted he's had his problems with Odysseus but he's one of their guys, isn't he? Besides, the lack of a real header with a detailed address makes me suspicious. 4) Technically speaking, there is no way for a horse to overwrite your entire city. A horse is just an animal, after all. Next time you get a message like this, just delete it. I appreciate your concern, but once you've been around the block a couple times you'll realize how annoying this kind of stuff is. Bye now, Hector "Billy Bob Thorton is afraid of antique furniture." - Phil's Phunny Phacts THE GREAT LIGHT WAY "Proctor, Proctor, Who's Got the Proctor?" -- began an item in Harry Haun's "On the Aisle" column in Playbill. He 's referring to the role of John Proctor currently being portrayed by Liam Neeson in the revival of Arthur Miller's "The Crucible", who was joined at a recent promotional party by other famous actors who had played the part. I wasn't invited; and I didn't see the play, but among the ones we did catch, and indeed, the major reason for the timing of our East Coast trip, was Elaine Stritch in her now Tony-winning performance of "Elaine Stritch: At Liberty" --"Constructed" by my classmate John Lahr who now bides his time between London and New York, and "Reconstructed" by Ms. Stritch. A young woman came up to her after her Tony triumph and announced she wanted to follow in her footsteps -- "I told her to wear comfortable shoes." We also saw Noel Coward's "Private Lives" with amazing turns by Alan Rickman and Lindsay Duncan, "Fortune's Fool" by Turgenev with show-stopping moments by both Alan Bates and Frank Langella, and the thoroughly satisfying (and soon to close) Tony-winning musical "Sweet Smell of Success" starring John Lithgow with lyrics by Craig Carnelia, Melinda's college classmate. While my wife saw a delightful staging of "Mornings At Seven", I took my daughter and her beau, Geoff (Proctor & Campbell) to see Miller's "The Man Who Had All The Luck" at the Roundabout on garish 42nd Street in a disappointing staging compared to our Dramalogue-winning production at the Ivy Substation. Whereas director Dan Fields created a fanciful set with panels of horoscopic stars floating overhead and a house for the second act that actually looked lived in, director Scott Ellis isolated his actors in a stark bleached wooden box with bare and abstract furnishings and no real reference to the world outside. It caused the actors to declame and most of them, with a few exceptions, seemed to be going through their paces instead of relishing, unfolding and embracing the colorfulness of their characters in what Miller describes as "a fable taking place a few feet above Ohio." "A guy asks his waiter how the restaurant prepares its chickens.'Nothing special,' says the waiter, 'We just flat out tell 'em they're gonna die.'"- Ivan's Jokes FOWL PLAY Ivan Berger also tells us that his uncle John was in the fertilized egg business and had several hundred young layers, called pullets, and 8 roosters, whose job was to fertilize the eggs. Any rooster or pullet that didn't perform well went into the pot, but this accounting took an awful lot of time so he devised a set of tiny bells attached to his roosters and kept track of their activities by listening to the tinkling of the bells. His favorite rooster was old Brewster. A very fine specimen he was, but his bell had not rung all morning so Uncle John went to investigate. Several roosters were chasing pullets, bells a-ringing; but Brewster had put his bell in his beak so it wouldn't. He'd sneak up on a pullet, do his job and walk on to the next one. Uncle John was so proud, he entered him in the county fair where the judges not only awarded Brewster the "No Bell" Prize -- but the "Pullet Surprise" as well! "It's easy to say, 'We should never brand animals, it's inhumane,' when you're sipping wine in Los Angeles and your 18-year-old has tattoos all up and down his arm, and a nose ring, too." - Curator Don Reeves, National Cowboy Museum JUNK FOOD More poetry from the "Nature's Medicine Chest" catalogue where you can get Green Magma, Ghee, Bio Salt, Carbon Steel, Rhino Chewie Bites, Garlic Ear Drops, Goodbye Bugs Sun Block, Lady "V" Pleasure Pills and Dream Cream, Unscented Aural Glow Oil, Wild Yam Balancing Ointment, Masad Dead Sea Foot Scrub, Royal Jelly Boosters, Kitchen Sprouters, Vegetable Crisper Bags and Roto Juicers, and Cat's Claw Intestinal Cleanser (ouch!). All available now at www.NaturesMedicineChest.com "Our bodies, our appearance, our sense of time, everything about us changes. We might as well accept it as part of life." - Donald Margulies in The Plain Dealer STUPID PET NAMES Kevin Kutchaver wrote, "Those nicknames are god-awful." But then, he admits to having had two cats named Dribbles and Snothead. David Hall, (he's not a coroner but he plays one on TV) and his wife refer to their cats collectively as The Fenneks, The Stupid Patrol, The Kids and The Shit Meisters. FRED is Sir Frederick, Freddy Boy, Eff oh red (from "The Name Game"), Foe Red (like Foghorn Leghorn) and Ready Freddy. RICK is Ricky, Rick A Bono, Rick A Roo, The Rickster and Wahhhhh Ricky (a la Lucy). SPUNKY is Little Miss, Missy, Eh-spanky (from a Spanish neighbor), The Princess, La Principeza, and La Spunk-a-rina. And "Banjer" Dan Mazer offers names for Sophronie (a uniquely-colored collie mix with polka dot paws) such as Sophronie Macaroni, 'Phronie Boo, 'Phro', , Hoagie, Boo, Waterlog Dog, My Little Wolf and Best Little Dog in the World; and Diana (formerly "Penguin", a black and white Border Collie mix) is Pengie Pie, Houdini, Goddess of the Hunt, The Lover of the World, Lighbulb-Head and Second-Best Dog in the World I admit, it's all my fault...arf there's meow-re to come! In Germany, speed bumps are called "Dead Policemen." - Phil's Phunny Phacts FALSE ADVERTISING? As you pass strategically placed tubs of Parkay in stores this week, a motion-sensor chip triggers a digital device that yells, "Butter!" while another makes the tub wiggle slightly. http://www.nypost.com/news/nationalnews/49770.htm Bill Vallely says "This is just wrong." http://www.Yonkis.com And blame the Austins for "Kitty Sex" @ http://www.matazone.co.uk/kitty1.html **TUNE IN to the Firesign Theatre's "FOOLS IN SPACE"** Live from Warren Dewey's Santa Monica Studios, Saturday eve, June 22 on XM Satellite Radio! ++++++++++++(JUNE 14, 2002)++++++++++ * FIRESIGN: http://www.firesigntheatre.com * FIREZINE: http://www.firezine.net * FIRESIGN STUFF: http://www.lodestone-media.com * RARE RE-RELEASES: http:// www.laugh.com * FUNNY TIMES: http://www.funnytimes.com PLANET PROCTOR (C) 2002 by Phil Proctor Magic Mike http://funandmagic.com Hi, So here is yet another Planet Proctor. What?! You expect me to read three? Over the last week, while performing at festivals, I am amazed how many adults have attention problems. Maybe that's why CNN airs a show called "So Five Minutes Ago." Have a magic day, Magic Mike http://funandmagic.com (((((((((((((((((((((((((((PLANET PROCTOR 2002-17 - http://www.planetproctor.com "The truth is mighty and will prevail. There is nothing the matter with this except that it ain't so." - Mark Twain FOOLS' GOLD! Last week, the Firesign Theatre's "Fools In Space" won a GOLD AWARD at The International New York Radio Festival for "Best Regularly Scheduled Comedy Program". "Everyone here is delighted," wrote XM Satellite's Dave Logan. "We thank you for helping make XM amazing." This week we also started recording some amazing and amusing 7-minute segments for NPR's "All Things Considered", the first to be broadcast on July 4th! "Thy mother wears army bonnets." - Amish insult from Mary Willard GOING BANANAS! My Yale classmate Alex Garvin spoke off-the-record at our recent 40th reunion, but I believe I can quote the following. Appointed by the City Planning Commission to manage the revival of lower Manhattan after "criminals" destroyed it, he is charged with restoring all damaged services, erecting a fitting memorial and unifying and revitalizing the area as quickly as possible. Although Alex hopes to establish his goals in a series of community gatherings, he confided to us that it will not be an easy task because of "the Nimbys, the Bananas, the Notes and the Nopes". The Nimby says: "Not In My Back Yard", the Banana says, "Build Anything Not Anywhere Near Anything", the Notes say, "Not Over There, Either" -- and the Nope? "Not On Planet Earth!" www//renewnyc.com "Not An Accredited Egress Door" - Sign at the Ritz-Carlton in Boston NEWS OF THE WEAK "I don't cry for Mexico," said a waitress at Latino Night Club in L.A. after the Mexican soccer team's loss to the U.S, "I cry for my $100. I just lost a bet." . But as Peter Bergman noted on our last XM radio show, there was also a loss we can all cheer about when an asteroid "the size of a soccer field" hurtled past the Earth a week ago, avoiding a catastrophic collision by a mere 75,000 miles, less than a third of the distance to the moon, and proving that everybody is looney over soccer these days, including, apparently, extraterrestrials. Writer Gary Belkin emailed that "Just after 9/11 George Dubya said, over and over and over about bin Laden, 'He can run, but he can't hide.'" Hmmmm. Also, in the news, long time contributor Garry Margolis informs me that the online Oxford English Dictionary has acknowledged the word "bonkbuster" as "a type of popular novel characterized by frequent sexual encounters". The word was created by author Sue Limb after a publisher asked for a "big thick book with lots of bonking in it". "You're as young as the person you're feeling.'" - Banjer Dan ROB RULES! Yale-mate Rob Irving is an Architectural Historian specializing in the British Empire who has managed to create in his own words, "A peripatetic but completely impecunious existence." He recently guided us through the new British Museum at Yale and regaled the crowd with self-deprecating stories of reactions to his lectures, book signings and guided tours over the years. "You wrote that?" said one person, "You must be smarter than you look!" And when Rob said once that he hoped to publish a posthumous compendium of Empire Architecture, someone piped up, "Posthumously? Ahh! The sooner the better!" "They finally published the ingredients in Viagra: 3% Vitamin E, 2% Aspirin, 2% Ibuprofen,1% Vitamin C, 5% Spray Starch, 87% Fix-A-Flat." - Jerry redhawk Gelb THE NAKED TRUTH The President of the United States has asked that all Americans and Canadians unite together in a common cause to root out terrorists hiding in our community. Since the Taliban consider it a sin to see a naked woman that is not one's wife, on Saturday afternoon at 2:00 p.m. EST, all North American women are asked to walk out of their house completely nude to help weed out any neighborhood terrorists. Circling your block for one hour is recommended for this anti-terrorist effort. All men should position themselves in lawn chairs in front of your house to prove that you think it's OK to see other women nude. (Since they do not approve of alcohol, a cold six-pack at your side is further proof of your anti-Taliban sentiment.) Names and addresses of non-participants should be sent to CIA Headquarters in Langley, Virginia. America appreciates your efforts to do your part by showing your parts and applauds your efforts. (email alert forwarded by Hannah Baldwin) "Poor, dear God. Playing Idiot's Delight. The game that never means anything and never ends." - Robert E. Sherwood, 1935 ROLLING LAUGHTER Thanks to the administrative genius of Paul Willson, presently playing "Falstaff" in Elizabeth Huffman's clever Appalachian-set workshop of "The Merry Wives of Windsor" at the Strasbourg Institute in West Hollywood, I will be emceeing a benefit for WYNGS, the official chapter of the spinal cord injury association which addresses the unmet needs of people with paralysis on Sunday, July 14th at 2 in the afternoon at The Improv on Melrose. "Rolling Laughter will be only a tax deductible $35 for desserts, coffee and LOTS of laughs, but I hope no one falls out of their chairs... Honorary sponsors are Eric Idle, Penny Marshall, Garry Shandling, Marcia Wallace and Fred Willard; and I'll be introducing Ed Begley, Jr., Teri Garr, John Ratzenberger, Wayne Federman, Pete Gray, Phyllis Katz, Rick Overton, Henry Phillips, Sarah Silverman, Off The Wall & Friends (with Paul Willson) and other Surprise Guests -- although I trust they'll tell me who they are. http://www.wyngs.org/newsletters.htm "There is a Hardin C. Cox Welcome Center in Rockport, MO." - Phil's Phunny Phacts from Jerry and Brian GONE TO POT Planeteer Hank Rosenfeld went to a Writer's Bloc evening to hear Roger Rosenblatt and Norman Lear when a Gen X or Y-er got up and said, "Mr. Lear, you invented 'All In The Family' where people talked about issues and what was going on in this country. The kids my age, we don't talk. Is that because you baby boomers let us do whatever we wanted, gave us cars at 16, etc?" Lear looked down from the podium and said, "If you find your generation is not talking...I would sincerely suggest pot." To which a voice in the back row sang out, "Where can we get some?" "Male, upscale, sophisticated, distictive (sic), with a slight sense of humor (like Denzel Washington, Keifer Sutherland or Hal Holbrook)." - Audition directions TEENAGEISM My talented wife, Melinda Peterson, will be appearing opposite fellow Antaen Peter Van Norden in the one-act "Apply Yourself" by 18-year-old Stacey Lloyd in Blank Theatre Company's 10th Annual Young Playwright's Festival, this Thurs thru Sat @ 8, and Sunday @ 3, at the Hudson Theatre, 6539 Santa Monica. Tickets are $12 and can be purchased at 323.661-9827 . Melinda also served on the selection board this year and is very happy with the chosen works by playwrights from 13 to 19 years of age! Theatre lives! "Give me a franchise to this place and I'll have one on every college campus in the country." - "McDonald's" Ray Kroc after a visit to Yale's "Mory's" BUT HOW DO YOU REALLY FEEL? "Dear Cretins," begins a letter to a British cable provider - "I thought British Telecom were shit, that they had attained the holy piss-pot of god-awful customer relations, that no one, anywhere, ever, could be more disinterested, less helpful or more obstructive to delivering service to their customers. That's why I chose NTL, and because, well, there isn't anyone else, is there? How surprised I therefore was, when I discovered to my considerable dissatisfaction and disappointment what a useless shower of bastards you truly are. You are sputum-filled pieces of distended rectum -- incompetents of the highest order. "BT -- wankers though they are -- shine like brilliant beacons of success, in the filthy puss-filled mire of your seemingly limitless inadequacy... I suggest that you cease any potential future attempts to extort payment from me for the services which you have so pointedly and catastrophically failed to deliver - any such activity will be greeted initially with hilarity and disbelief - quickly be replaced by derision, and even perhaps bemused rage. "I enclose two small deposits, selected with great care from my cats litter tray, as an expression of my utter and complete contempt for both you and your pointless company. I sincerely hope that they have not become desiccated during transit -- they were satisfyingly moist at the time of posting, and I would feel considerable disappointment if you did not experience both their rich aroma and delicate texture. Consider them the very embodiment of my feelings towards NTL, and its worthless employees. "Have a nice day -- may it be the last in your miserable short life, you irritatingly incompetent and infuriatingly unhelpful bunch of twats." (Don't you love the English?) "First, you've been attacked by the terrorists. Then you're attacked by the lawyers." - Kentucky's Republican Sen. Mitch McConnell FORGIVE ME, FATHER ...for I have punned. Retired film and TV star Larry (NYPD BLUE) Mann announced that the Catholics have finally agreed on a policy - "Three tykes and you're out." But his son, voice-over comrade, Danny Mann, notes that it's probably too late for many "altered boys." Meanwhile, an L.A. Times photo of a protest sign at Dallas' recent U.S. Bishop's meeting read: "Bishop Grahman would look RAVISHING in an orange jumpsuit!" And Brian Westley tells me that The Associated Press reported the Rev. Orlando Bethel was viciously attacked during a June 14 funeral and dragged out of the church because he told mourners the deceased was in Hell and that they were headed the same way. (Well, they are now!) "Alcoholic Country-Western singers can sign up for a Two-Step program." - Danny (the) Mann MORE STUPID PET NAMES Jack and Patti Poet write that they too have "foofy "names for their cat, Heather and "just hope we haven't scarred her emotionally." She is currently Honey Buckets or Tinker Doo, Puddin', Puter or Ace. Previously they had a cat named General Motors (for his loud purr), and add that a friend calls her dogs Wanda, The Wonder Dog, Lovey, The Dog of Love and Brandy, The Dog of Liquor (they once owned a liquor store). And while writer Ivan Berger calls his cats "Daddy's Boy, Little Girl, Michael, Merkin, Ghost, Widget, Nuisance, Missy, Chessie, Pyewacket, Virgil, Henry, Barrymore, and Jimminy," the most ambitious list I've received so far comes from the twisted mind of voice-over artist, writer and radio activist April Winchell who wrote: "God, I hate to do this...My dogs' nicknames: Rosie Perez, The Face of Evil, Black Bowling Ball of Rage, Pot Bellied Pig, Rosemarie, Poopfoot, Cokey Roberts, Happy Jack, Baby Pants, Pinhead, Pointy Head, Little Lobster Lover, Chicken Little, Chick-A-Stick, Monkey-Puzzle, Munga-Munga-Munga, Miss Crabtree, All-Seeing, All-Knowing Dog-Head, Heironomous, Dingus Magee, Sniffy Chicken, Baby-Nose, Pretty Pants, Banana Bread, Hula Boots, Sugar Shoes, Little Brown Dog, Vulchin - Ruler of the Kneefree People and -- Queen of Scandanavia. I'm gonna turn them all in to the ASPCA. "Where does an Irish family go on vacation? A different bar. What do you call an Italian with one arm shorter than the other? Speech impaired." - The "Angel" of Comedy THE REAL BIG BROTHER Does the FBI have a file on you? Well, you can visit the free site below, but hurry, because it's expected to be closed soon due to a federal court order. Don't use your Social Security number, but check your state and put in your name. If a match is found they'll ask for your year of birth and bring up the case number, date of investigation and any photos on file. http://www.policeguide.com/cgi-bin/criminal-search Also - Be Happy! http://www.momsbox.com/pika.swf The Lego Bible: http://www.thereverend.com/brick_testament/ Want A Bigger PP? http://getitbigger.0catch.com "Because of the Gay Pride Weekend, you couldn't go 'straight' through West Hollywood. What a drag." - Phil's Phunny Phacts ++++++++++++(JUNE 25, 2002)++++++++++ * FIRESIGN: http://www.firesigntheatre.com * FIREZINE: http://www.firezine.net * FIRESIGN STUFF: http://www.lodestone-media.com * RARE RE-RELEASES: http:// www.laugh.com * FUNNY TIMES: http://www.funnytimes.com PLANET PROCTOR (C) 2002 by Phil Proctor Magic Mike http://funandmagic.com Howdy Mystery, Suspense, Thriller Fans, This is quite a story. If any of you are interested in how to launder huge sums of money when the penalty for getting caught is death, than look no further. This lesson brought to you by the Bush family where GW Bush's granddaddy Prescott Bush laundered Nazi industrial fortunes before, during and after WW II. What!? I am accusing members of the Bush family of treason? Again!? Rockefellers and Allen Dulles too. This article has plenty of references and uses real named sources. Not the typical "an un-named source in the Defense Department, disguised as a cockroach that is hiding under a rock says-" kind of reference. This is a well written account that is a page turner. Enjoy. Thanks, Dave Rense.com .- - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - .- - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - .- - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - .- - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - ---- How The Bush Family Made Its Fortune From The Nazis The Dutch Connection By Attorney John Loftus ©. 2000-2002 John Loftus 7-2-2 John Loftus, is a former U.S. Department of Justice Nazi War Crimes prosecutor, the President of the Florida Holocaust Museum and the highly respected author of numerous books on the CIA-Nazi connection including The Belarus Secret and The Secret War Against the Jews, both of which have extensive material on the Bush-Rockefeller-Nazi connection. For the Bush family, it is a lingering nightmare. For their Nazi clients, the Dutch connection was the mother of all money laundering schemes. From 1945 until 1949, one of the lengthiest and, it now appears, most futile interrogations of a Nazi war crimes suspect began in the American Zone of Occupied Germany. Multibillionaire steel magnate Fritz Thyssen-the man whose steel combine was the cold heart of the Nazi war machine-talked and talked and talked to a joint US-UK interrogation team. For four long years, successive teams of inquisitors tried to break Thyssen's simple claim to possess neither foreign bank accounts nor interests in foreign corporations, no assets that might lead to the missing billions in assets of the Third Reich. The inquisitors failed utterly. Why? Because what the wily Thyssen deposed was, in a sense, true. What the Allied investigators never understood was that they were not asking Thyssen the right question. Thyssen did not need any foreign bank accounts because his family secretly owned an entire chain of banks. He did not have to transfer his Nazi assets at the end of World War II, all he had to do was transfer the ownership documents - stocks, bonds, deeds and trusts--from his bank in Berlin through his bank in Holland to his American friends in New York City: Prescott Bush and Herbert Walkker. Thyssen's partners in crime were the father and father-in-law of a future President of the United States. The allied investigators underestimated Thyssen's reach, his connections, his motives, and his means. The web of financial entities Thyssen helped create in the 1920's remained a mystery for the rest of the twentieth century, an almost perfectly hidden underground sewer pipeline for moving dirty money, money that bankrolled the post-war fortunes not only of the Thyssen industrial empire...but the Bush family as well. It was a secret Fritz Thyssen would take to his grave. It was a secret that would lead former US intelligence agent William Gowen, now pushing 80, to the very doorstep of the Dutch royal family. The Gowens are no strangers to controversy or nobility. His father was one of President Roosevelt's diplomatic emissaries to Pope Pius XII, leading a futile attempt to persuade the Vatican to denounce Hitler's treatment of Jews. It was his son, William Gowen, who served in Rome after World War II as a Nazi hunter and investigator with the U.S. Army Counter Intelligence Corps. It was Agent Gowen who first discovered the secret Vatican Ratline for smuggling Nazis in 1949. It was also the same William Gowen who began to uncover the secret Dutch pipeline for smuggling Nazi money in 1999. A half-century earlier, Fritz Thyssen was telling the allied investigators that he had no interest in foreign companies, that Hitler had turned on him and seized most of his property. His remaining assets were mostly in the Russian Occupied Zone of Germany (which he knew were a write-off anyway). His distant (and disliked) relatives in neutral nations like Holland were the actual owners of a substantial percentage of the remaining German industrial base. As innocent victims of the Third Reich, they were lobbying the allied occupation governments in Germany, demanding restitution of the property that had been seized from them by the Nazis. Under the rules of the Allied occupation of Germany, all property owned by citizens of a neutral nation which had been seized by the Nazis had to be returned to the neutral citizens upon proper presentation of documents showing proof of ownership. Suddenly, all sorts of neutral parties, particularly in Holland, were claiming ownership of various pieces of the Thyssen empire. In his cell, Fritz Thyssen just smiled and waited to be released from prison while members of the Dutch royal family and the Dutch intelligence service reassembled his pre-war holdings for him. The British and American interrogators may have gravely underestimated Thyssen but they nonetheless knew they were being lied to. Their suspicions focused on one Dutch Bank in particular, the Bank voor Handel en Scheepvaart, in Rotterdam. This bank did a lot of business with the Thyssens over the years. In 1923, as a favor to him, the Rotterdam bank loaned the money to build the very first Nazi party headquarters in Munich. But somehow the allied investigations kept going nowhere, the intelligence leads all seemed to dry up. If the investigators realized that the US intelligence chief in postwar Germany, Allen Dulles, was also the Rotterdam bank's lawyer, they might have asked some very interesting questions. They did not know that Thyssen was Dulles' client as well. Nor did they ever realize that it was Allen Dulles's other client, Baron Kurt Von Schroeder who was the Nazi trustee for the Thyssen companies which now claimed to be owned by the Dutch. The Rotterdam Bank was at the heart of Dulles' cloaking scheme, and he guarded its secrets jealously. Several decades after the war, investigative reporter Paul Manning, Edward R. Murrow's colleague, stumbled across the Thyssen interrogations in the US National Archives. Manning intended to write a book about Nazi money laundering. Manning's manuscript was a dagger at Allen Dulles' throat: his book specifically mentioned the Bank voor Handel en Scheepvaart by name, albeit in passing. Dulles volunteered to help the unsuspecting Manning with his manuscript, and sent him on a wild goose chase, searching for Martin Bormann in South America. Without knowing that he had been deliberately sidetracked, Manning wrote a forward to his book personally thanking Allen Dulles for his "assurance that I was "on the right track, and should keep going.'"Dulles sent Manning and his manuscript off into the swamps of obscurity. The same "search for Martin Bormann"scam was also used to successfully discredit Ladislas Farago, another American journalist probing too far into the laundering of Nazi money. American investigators had to be sent anywhere but Holland.. And so the Dutch connection remained unexplored until 1994 when I published the book "The Secret War Against the Jews."As a matter of historical curiosity, I mentioned that Fritz Thyssen (and indirectly, the Nazi Party) had obtained their early financing from Brown Brothers Harriman, and its affiliate, the Union Banking Corporation. Union Bank, in turn, was the Bush family's holding company for a number of other entities, including the "Holland American Trading Company." It was a matter of public record that the Bush holdings were seized by the US government after the Nazis overran Holland. In 1951, the Bush's reclaimed Union Bank from the US Alien Property Custodian, along with their "neutral" Dutch assets. I did not realize it, but I had stumbled across a very large piece of the missing Dutch connection. Bush's ownership of the Holland-American investment company was the missing link to Manning's earlier research in the Thyssen investigative files. In 1981, Manning had written: "Thyssen's first step in a long dance of tax and currency frauds began [in the late 1930's] when he disposed of his shares in the Dutch Hollandische-Amerikanische Investment Corporation to be credited to the Bank voor Handel en Scheepvaart, N.V., Rotterdam, the bank founded in 1916 by August Thyssen Senior." In this one obscure paragraph, in a little known book, Manning had unwittingly documented two intriguing points: 1) The Bush's Union Bank had apparently bought the same corporate stock that the Thyssens were selling as part of their Nazi money laundering, and 2) the Rotterdam Bank, far from being a neutral Dutch institution, was founded by Fritz Thyssen's father. In hindsight, Manning and I had uncovered different ends of the Dutch connection. After reading the excerpt in my book about the Bush's ownership of the Holland-American trading Company, retired US intelligence agent William Gowen began to put the pieces of the puzzle together. Mr. Gowen knew every c orner of Europe from his days as a diplomat's son, an American intelligence agent, and a newspaperman. William Gowen deserves sole credit for uncovering the mystery of how the Nazi industrialists hid their money from the Allies at the end of World War II. In 1999, Mr. Gowen traveled to Europe, at his own expense, to meet a former member of Dutch intelligence who had detailed inside information about the Rotterdam bank. The scrupulous Gowen took a written statement and then had his source read and correct it for error. Here, in summary form, is how the Nazis hid their money in America. After World War I, August Thyssen had been badly burned by the loss of assets under the harsh terms of the Versailles treaty. He was determined that it would never happen again. One of his sons would join the Nazis; the other would be neutral. No matter who won the next war, the Thyssen family would survive with their industrial empire intact. Fritz Thyssen joined the Nazis in 1923; his younger brother married into Hungarian nobility and changed his name to Baron Thyssen-Bornemisza. The Baron later claimed Hungarian as well as Dutch citizenship. In public, he pretended to detest his Nazi brother, but in private they met at secret board meetings in Germany to coordinate their operations. If one brother were threatened with loss of property, he would transfer his holdings to the other. To aid his sons in their shell game, August Thyssen had established three different banks during the 1920's -- The August Thyssen Bank in Berlin, the Bank voor Handel en Scheepvaart in Rotterdam, and the Union Banking Corporation in NNew York City. To protect their corporate holdings, all the brothers had to do was move the corporate paperwork from one bank to the other. This they did with some regularity. When Fritz Thyssen "sold" the Holland-American Trading Company for a tax loss, the Union Banking Corporation in New York bought the stock. Similarly, the Bush family invested the disguised Nazi profits in American steel and manufacturing corporations that became part of the secret Thyssen empire. When the Nazis invaded Holland in May 1940, they investigated the Bank voor Handel en Scheepvaart in Rotterdam. Fritz Thyssen was suspected by Hitler's auditors of being a tax fraud and of illegally transferring his wealth outside the Third Reich. The Nazi auditors were right: Thyssen felt that Hitler's economic policies would dilute his wealth through ruinous war inflation. He had been smuggling his war profits out through Holland. But the Rotterdam vaults were empty of clues to where the money had gone. The Nazis did not know that all of the documents evidencing secret Thyssen ownership had been quietly shipped back to the August Thyssen Bank in Berlin, under the friendly supervision of Baron Kurt Von Schroeder. Thyssen spent the rest of the war under VIP house arrest. He had fooled Hitler, hidden his immense profits, and now it was time to fool the Americans with same shell game. As soon as Berlin fell to the allies, it was time to ship the documents back to Rotterdam so that the "neutral" bank could claim ownership under the friendly supervision of Allen Dulles, who, as the OSS intelligence chief in 1945 Berlin, was well placed to handle any troublesome investigations. Unfortunately, the August Thyssen Bank had been bombed during the war, and the documents were buried in the underground vaults beneath the rubble. Worse, the vaults lay in the Soviet Zone of Berlin. According to Gowen's source, Prince Bernhard commanded a unit of Dutch intelligence, which dug up the incriminating corporate papers in 1945 and brought them back to the "neutral" bank in Rotterdam. The pretext was that the Nazis had stolen the crown jewels of his wife, Princess Juliana, and the Russians gave the Dutch permission to dig up the vault and retrieve them. Operation Juliana was a Dutch fraud on the Allies who searched high and low for the missing pieces of the Thyssen fortune. In 1945, the former Dutch manager of the Rotterdam bank resumed control only to discover that he was sitting on a huge pile of hidden Nazi assets. In 1947, the manager threatened to inform Dutch authorities, and was immediately fired by the Thyssens. The somewhat naive bank manager then fled to New York City where he intended to talk to Union Bank director Prescott Bush. As Gowen's Dutch source recalled, the manager intended "to reveal [to Prescott Bush] the truth about Baron Heinrich and the Rotterdam Bank, [in order that] some or all of the Thyssen interests in the Thyssen Group might be seized and confiscated as German enemy property. "The manager's body was found in New York two weeks later. Similarly, in 1996 a Dutch journalist Eddy Roever went to London to interview the Baron, who was neighbors with Margaret Thatcher. Roever's body was discovered two days later. Perhaps, Gowen remarked dryly, it was only a coincidence that both healthy men had died of heart attacks immediately after trying to uncover the truth about the Thyssens. Neither Gowen nor his Dutch source knew about the corroborating evidence in the Alien Property Custodian archives or in the OMGUS archives. Together, the two separate sets of US files overlap each other and directly corroborate Gowen's source. The first set of archives confirms absolutely that the Union Banking Corporation in New York was owned by the Rotterdam Bank. The second set (quoted by Manning) confirms that the Rotterdam Bank in turn was owned by the Thyssens. It is not surprising that these two American agencies never shared their Thyssen files. As the noted historian Burton Hersh documented: "The Alien Property Custodian, Leo Crowley, was on the payroll of the New York J. Henry Schroeder Bank where Foster and Allen Dulles both sat as board members. Foster arranged an appointment for himself as special legal counsel for the Alien Property Custodian while simultaneously representing [German] interests against the custodian." No wonder Allen Dulles had sent Paul Manning on a wild goose chase to South America. He was very close to uncovering the fact that the Bush's bank in New York City was secretly owned by the Nazis, before during and after WWII. Once Thyssen ownership of the Union Banking Corporation is proven, it makes out a prima facie case of treason against the Dulles and Bush families for giving aid and comfort to the enemy in time of war. PART TWO The first key fact to be proven in any criminal case is that the Thyssen family secretly owned the Bush's Bank. Apart from Gowen's source, and the twin American files, a third set of corroboration comes from the Thyssen family themselves. In 1979, the present Baron Thyssen-Bornemisza (Fritz Thyssen's nephew) prepared a written family history to be shared with his top management. A copy of this thirty-page tome entitled "The History of the Thyssen Family and Their Activities"was provided by Gowen's source. It contains the following Thyssen admissions: "Thus, at the beginning of World War II the Bank voor Handel en Scheepvaart had become the holding of my father's companies - a Dutch firm whose only shareholder was a Hungarian citizen..Prior to 1929, it held the shares of .the August Thyssen Bank, and also American subsidiaries and the Union Banking Corporation, New York.The shares of all the affiliates were [in 1945] with the August Thyssen Bank in the East Sector of Berlin, from where I was able to have them transferred into the West at the last moment" "After the war the Dutch government ordered an investigation into the status of the holding company and, pending the result, appointed a Dutch former general manager of my father who turned against our family.. In that same year, 1947, I returned to Germany for the first time after the war, disguised as a Dutch driver in military uniform, to establish contact with our German directors" "The situation of the Group gradually began to be resolved but it was not until 1955 that the German companies were freed from Allied control and subsequently disentangled. Fortunately, the companies in the group suffered little from dismantling. At last we were in a position to concentrate on purely economic problems -- the reconstruction and extension of the companies and the expansion of the organization." "The banking department of the Bank voor Handel en Scheepvaart, which also functioned as the Group's holding company, merged in 1970 with Nederlandse Credietbank N.V. which increased its capital. The Group received 25 percent.The Chase Manhattan Bank holds 31%. The name Thyssen-Bornemisza Group was selected for the new holding company." Thus the twin US Archives, Gowen's Dutch source, and the Thyssen family history all independently confirm that President Bush's father and grandfather served on the board of a bank that was secretly owned by the leading Nazi industrialists. The Bush connection to these American institutions is a matter of public record. What no one knew, until Gowen's brilliant research opened the door, was that the Thyssens were the secret employers of the Bush family. But what did the Bush family know about their Nazi connection and when did they know it? As senior managers of Brown Brothers Harriman, they had to have known that their American clients, such as the Rockefellers, were investing heavily in German corporations, including Thyssen's giant Vereinigte Stahlwerke. As noted historian Christopher Simpson repeatedly documents, it is a matter of public record that Brown Brother's investments in Nazi Germany took place under the Bush family stewardship. When war broke out was Prescott Bush stricken with a case of Waldheimers disease, a sudden amnesia about his Nazi past? Or did he really believe that our friendly Dutch allies owned the Union Banking Corporation and its parent bank in Rotterdam? It should be recalled that in January 1937, he hired Allen Dulles to "cloak" his accounts. But cloak from whom? Did he expect that happy little Holland was going to declare war on America? The cloaking operation only makes sense in anticipation of a possible war with Nazi Germany. If Union Bank was not the conduit for laundering the Rockefeller's Nazi investments back to America, then how could the Rockefeller-controlled Chase Manhattan Bank end up owning 31% of the Thyssen group after the war? It should be noted that the Thyssen group (TBG) is now the largest industrial conglomerate in Germany, and with a net worth of more than $50 billion dollars, one of the wealthiest corporations in the world. TBG is so rich it even bought out the Krupp family, famous arms makers for Hitler, leaving the Thyssens as the undisputed champion survivors of the Third Reich. Where did the Thyssens get the start-up money to rebuild their empire with such speed after World War II? The enormous sums of money deposited into the Union Bank prior to 1942 is the best evidence that Prescott Bush knowingly served as a money launderer for the Nazis. Remember that Union Banks' books and accounts were frozen by the U.S. Alien Property Custodian in 1942 and not released back to the Bush family until 1951. At that time, Union Bank shares representing hundreds of millions of dollars worth of industrial stocks and bonds were unblocked for distribution. Did the Bush family really believe that such enormous sums came from Dutch enterprises? One could sell tulip bulbs and wooden shoes for centuries and not achieve those sums. A fortune this size could only have come from the Thyssen profits made from rearming the Third Reich, and then hidden, first from the Nazi tax auditors, and then from the Allies. The Bushes knew perfectly well that Brown Brothers was the American money channel into Nazi Germany, and that Union Bank was the secret pipeline to bring the Nazi money back to America from Holland. The Bushes had to have known how the secret money circuit worked because they were on the board of directors in both directions: Brown Brothers out, Union Bank in. Moreover, the size of their compensation is commensurate with their risk as Nazi money launderers. In 1951, Prescott Bush and his father in law each received one share of Union Bank stock, worth $750,000 each. One and a half million dollars was a lot of money in 1951. But then, from the Thyssen point of view, buying the Bushes was the best bargain of the war. The bottom line is harsh: It is bad enough that the Bush family helped raise the money for Thyssen to give Hitler his start in the 1920's, but giving aid and comfort to the enemy in time of war is treason. The Bush's bank helped the Thyssens make the Nazi steel that killed allied soldiers. As bad as financing the Nazi war machine may seem, aiding and abetting the Holocaust was worse. Thyssen's coal mines used Jewish slaves as if they were disposable chemicals. There are six million skeletons in the Thyssen family closet, and a myriad of criminal and historical questions to be answered about the Bush family's complicity. ___ First published September, 2000 This article is provided courtesy of Dr. Leonard G. Horowitz and Tetrahedron Publishing Group www.tetrahedron.org http://www.tetrahedron.org/articles/new_world_order/bush_nazis.html Email This Article MainPage http://www.rense.com Hi, I have been busy and not in a writing mood. I work at the Seattle Space Needle and I keep hearing threats about the next terror attack mentioning Seattle in the "chatter". I sent some things Dave forwarded me about right-wing politics and money laundering. When I am not doing a booked magic show, I work for tips at Seattle Center. A person working for tips sees the mood of people's pockets. It is grim. Greed has stolen about 60 billion dollars from people. I saw a bumper sticker last week that said "If God wanted us to vote he'd give us candidates." What is worse? Screwing an intern, or screwing the country? Magic Mike http://funandmagic.com/ Just Released - new inventions by Blondes! -- The water-proof towel -- Glow in the dark sunglasses -- Solar powered flashlights -- Submarine screen doors -- A book on how to read -- Inflatable dart boards -- A dictionary index -- Mechanical Pencil sharpeners -- Powdered water -- Pedal-powered wheel chairs -- Waterproof tea bags -- Watermelon seed sorter -- Zero proof alcohol -- Reuseable ice cubes -- See-through toilet tissue -- Skinless bananas -- Do-it-yourself road map -- Turnip ice cream -- Toe implants -- An all white flag -- Rolls Royce pickup truck -- Helicopter Ejector Seat -=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=- A man and his son were traveling to the bank one Saturday morning when they stopped at a corner. The little boy hearing a "Beep..Beep..Beep" and ask his dad where the sound was coming from. His dad replied that the sound was comming from a near by dump truck that was backing up and that sound was to warn people behind it to get out of the way. When they arrived at the bank the lines were long (as usual) and so they got into one of the lines behind a rather large lady. All of a sudden another man's beeper started to go off and the little boy with fear in his eyes said - "Look out Dad - she's backing up!" -==-=-=-=-= << The Rules -- This Time By Men We always hear "the rules" from the female side. Now here are the rules from the male side. These are our rules! Please note ... these are all numbered "1" ON PURPOSE! 1. Learn to work the toilet seat. You're a big girl. If it's up, put it down. We need it up, you need it down. You don't hear us bitching about you leaving it down. 1. Birthdays, Valentines, and Anniversaries are not quests to see if we can find the perfect present yet again! 1. Sometimes we are not thinking about you. Live with it. 1. Sunday = sports. It's like the full moon or the changing of the tides. Let it be. 1. Don't cut your hair. Ever. Long hair is always more attractive than short hair. One of the big reasons guys fear getting married is that married women always cut their hair, and by then you're stuck with her. 1 . Shopping is NOT a sport. And no, we are never going to think of it that way. 1. Crying is blackmail. 1. Ask for what you want. Let us be clear on this one: Subtle hints do not work! Strong hints do not work! Obvious hints do not work! Just say it! 1. We don't remember dates. Mark birthdays and anniversaries on a calendar. Remind us frequently beforehand. 1. Most guys own three pairs of shoes - tops. What makes you think we'd be any good at choosing which pair, out of thirty, would look good with your dress? 1. Yes and No are perfectly acceptable answers to almost every question. 1. Come to us with a problem only if you want help solving it. That's what we do. Sympathy is what your girlfriends are for. 1. A headache that last for 17 months is a problem. See a doctor. 1. Check your oil! Please. 1. Anything we said 6 months ago is inadmissible in an argument. In fact, all comments become null and void after 7 days. 1. If you won't dress like the Victoria's Secret girls, don't expect us to act like soap opera guys. 1. If you think you're fat, you probably are. Don't ask us. We refuse to answer. 1. If something we said can be interpreted two ways, and one of the ways makes you sad or angry, we meant the other one. 1. Let us ogle. We are going to look anyway; it's genetic. 1. You can either ask us to do something or tell us how you want it done. Not both. If you already know best how to do it, just do it yourself. 1. Whenever possible, please say whatever you have to say during commercials. 1. Christopher Columbus did not need directions, and neither do we. 1. The relationship is never going to be like it was the first two months we were going out. Get over it. And quit whining to your girlfriends. 1. ALL men see in only 16 colors, like Windows default settings. Peach, for example, is a fruit, not a color. Pumpkin is also a fruit. We have no idea what mauve is. 1. If it itches, it will be scratched. We do that. 1. We are not mind readers and we never will be. Our lack of mind-reading ability is not proof of how little we care about you. 1. If we ask what is wrong and you say "nothing," we will act like nothing's wrong. We know you are lying, but it is just not worth the hassle. 1. If you ask a question you don't want an answer to, expect an answer you don't want to hear. 1. When we have to go somewhere, absolutely anything you wear is fine. Really. 1. Don't ask us what we're thinking about unless you are prepared to discuss such topics as navel lint, the shotgun formation, or monster trucks. 1. You have enough clothes. 1. You have too many shoes. 1. Foreign films are best left to foreigners. (Unless it's Bruce Lee or some war flick where it doesn't really matter what the hell they're saying anyway.) 1. It is neither in your best interest or ours to take the quiz together. No, it doesn't matter which quiz. 1. BEER is as exciting for us as handbags are for you. 1. I am in shape. ROUND is a shape. 1. Thank you for reading this; Yes, I know, I have to sleep on the couch tonight. But did you know we really don't mind that? It's like camping. -=-=-=--=-=-=-=-----= Vote Republican: It's easier than thinking Visualise a special prosecutor It's not a War, it's a Con Job! Imperialism: A way of life bombing for Prosperity is boring: Vote GOP for graft, recession and war If you can read this you are not the President Another Bush another recession Democracy was getting old anyway The GOP: You're not invited "There ought to be limits to freedom." -GW Bush 5-21-99 Bush and Sons, Inc. (formerly the United States of America) GW Bush: Born on third base, thought he hit a triple Some people are just too stupid to be President GW Bush: How dumb is too dumb? The Pretzel lives! GW Bush: Not a crackhead anymore! GW Bush: Born with a silver spoon up his nose Elect Bush: Because you have waited for armegeddon long enough Bush is a punk ass chump (((((((((((((((((((((( PLANET PROCTOR 2002-18 - http://www.planetproctor.com "The structure of world peace cannot be the work of one man, or one party, or one nation. It must be a peace which rests on the cooperative nature of the whole world." - FDR, 1945 FUHGGEDABOUDIT The name of the author is the first to go followed obediently by the title, the plot, the heartbreaking conclusion, the entire novel which suddenly becomes one you have never read, never even heard of, as if, one by one, the memories you used to harbor decided to retire to the southern hemisphere of the brain, to a little fishing village where there are no phones. Long ago you kissed the names of the Muses goodbye and watched the quadratic equation pack its bag, and even now as you try to recall the order of the planets, something else is slipping away, a state flower perhaps, the address of an uncle, the capital of Paraquay. Whatever it is you are struggling to remember it is not poised on the tip of your tongue, not even lurking in some obscure corner of your spleen. It has floated away down a dark mythological river whose name begins with an L as far as you can recall, well on your own way to oblivion, where you will join those who have forgotten how to swim and how to ride a bicycle. No wonder you rise in the middle of the night to look up the date of a famous battle in a book on war. No wonder the moon in the window seems to have drifted out of a love poem that you used to know by heart. ("Forgetfulness" by U.S. Poet Laureate Billy Collins) "On June 25, 1951, the first U.S. commercial color TV program was broadcast to 4 cities; but no one had a color TV, so nobody saw it." - Phil's Phunny Phacts KUSHNER COOKS! Excerpts from playwright Tony Kushner's graduation address at Vassar, class of 2002: "Hasn't this past year, your senior year, hasn't it been the worst year ever in the history of humankind? Maybe it's the beginning of the end of the world, but please, you should not feel personally responsible. Blame someone else, blame your parents, why not? They are blaming your grandparents. Or blame the Bush Administration. That's what I do. If that gets old, blame Ralph Nader. And Happy Graduation! "What to say to the graduating class of 2002, to you vibrant young people leaving college and entering the great world beyond just in time to be trampled flat by the Four Horsemen of the Apocalypse? 'Duck!' might be a good place to start. "Stockpile canned goods and huge vats of water. Beyond that, what to say? You wanted to hear from a playwright, at least some of you did, at least someone at Vassar did, unless a mistake has been made and you actually meant to invite Tony Kushner, the British Holocaust historian... "Am I a symptom of your despair, and if I am, why couldn't you have gone for someone a bit more techno-savvy, someone from the movies, Spiderman for instance?...Or do you want everyone to think you're gay? Is that it? Is it because I'm gay? Did you hope to shock your grandparents? But you know, since the Bush Administration began issuing those warnings every ten minutes that more terror is on its way and that we apparently can't do Thing One about it, I have been feeling incredibly uninterested in sex... "It's time to stop talking. Oh, it always goes like this. I start out not knowing what to say, and before I know it I can't shut up. So commence already!...I am certain you are aflame.Hurry hurry hurry, now now now, damn the critics and the bad reviews: "The world is waiting for you! Organize. Speak the truth." "The [Pledge of Allegiance] decision...generated an emotional debate, especially in a country that puts 'In God We Trust' on the item most sacred in its philosophy -- the dollar." - Madrid newspaper article AIN'T IT THE TRUTH? L.A. audio producer Tony Palermo writes in a recent Radiodrama Digest: "Years ago, a friend explained to me that there are two types of license available to you. One is a hunting license. It permits you to go into the woods and blow the brains out of some poor animal. "The other kind of license is 'poetic license.' It permits you to go into the real world and blow the brains out of the truth." "I have no problem blowing up Baltimore in a movie if it's done with joy and style." - Baltimore Director John Waters on "The Sum of All Fears" UNDER THE RADAR An Australian saloon patron was awarded 60,000 dollars ($33,600 American) for breaking his arm in a 1997 fall onto a Sydney barroom floor made greasy by a patron wearing pork chops as shoes, according to a Times Wire report.Ross Lucock had won the meat in a bar raffle and strapped the porkers on after being told he would not be served more alcohol "because he was barefoot." "Babes at the Bowl" will celebrate a $22 million buck renewal of the ladies' restrooms at the Santa Barbara Bowl on July 13th. with drinks such as "The Royal Flush" and "The Tidy Bowl". Tickets are $50 @ (805) 560-0895. The Ladies Only blast will be held in the 45-stall, 1,700-square-foot facility. Publicist and FST pal Mo McFadden quotes executive director Sam Scranton as saying, "Now we can serve more beer." And speaking of babes, Russian-born Oxana Fedorova - whose school records declared her:"Physically in good condition. Knows the rules for maintaining and firing weapons. Knows how to keep state secrets."-- was just crowned Miss Universe; fictitious interactive cyber-star Lara Croft was signed to a multi-million-dollar (on paper) contract by the Creative Artists Agency; and Iranian police have expelled that little doll, Barbie, from their country, proclaiming her a "Trojan Horse." (Are they confused over there, or what?) Oh - and a "Monocle Lewinsky!" is available @ www.eyeglass.com "Tony Curtis, Frank Sinatra, Milton Berle and Jack Lemmon were at one time ape-masked members of Ernie Kovaks' Nairobi Trio." - Phil's Phunny Phacts LIMB, OH, AND SIP? Paintings of George Washington created in the past showed him standing behind a desk with an arm behind his back, or with both legs and arms visible. Prices charged by painters were not based on how many people were to be painted, but by how many limbs were represented. Hence, the expression: "Okay, but it'll cost you an arm and a leg." And early politicians sent their assistants to local taverns, pubs and bars to "go sip some ale" and report back on people's political concerns. The two words "go sip" were eventually combined when referring to local opinions and thus, we have the term -- "gossip." "The EuroPacific Growth Fund Report describes Vivendi Universal as a 'multimedia giant that owns Universal Studios, pay-TV's CANAL+, the world's largest recorded music company (UMG), and owns major European interests in telecommunications, water treatment and -- waste management.'" - Phil's Phunny Phacts THE SOUND OF SILENCE Classmate John Lahr wrote a brilliant New Yorker article on Richard Rodgers recently in which he quotes him as saying: "People have a need for melody just as they need food or personal contact. When I finish a tune, I'm high...You own the world. You own yourself. You're the boy in the bubble." But he was less ecstatic about his longtime collaboration with lyricist Lorenz Hart and once confided to Diahann Carroll, the star of "No Strings" (music and lyrics by Rodgers), "You just can't imagine how wonderful it feels to have written this score and not have to search all over the globe for that drunken little fag." Hart was obviously a very talented but somewhat lost soul; and when he died at only 43, his last words were -- "What have I lived for?" But then Rodgers met Hammerstein, and "in nine musicals over nearly twenty years," writes Lahr, "the pair revolutionized the nature of musical storytelling." Rodgers adds, "We had written 'Oklahoma!' and every time one of us blew his nose, it was a symphony." "Although his music is still with us," John reveals, "the remains of the great man himself have disappeared," and even his own daughters have not turned up a grave or an urn, let alone a memorial to his art. I've had the supreme pleasure of being mentored by Richard Rodgers for "The Sound of Music" (when I was "17 going on 18") and of being John Lahr's friend for many years. Cheers to them both! "The rich? A lot of crumbs held together by their own dough." - Lorenz Hart HE'S A POET AND HE KNEW IT Estelle Shirbon wrote in Reuters that Scottish poet William Topaz McGonagall, who started to write at 47 when a "muse" appeared in his flat ("I thought I heard a voice crying in my ears, 'Write! Write!'") was so bad "he was often asked to perform just so the audience could laugh at him." But now, Dundee, a city dedicated to obscure memorials, and recently unveiling two eight-foot bronze statues of comic strips characters Desperate Dan and Minnie the Minx, has recognized the late McGonagall as "absolutely dedicated to the art of awful poetry." Billy, who died in 1902, was the victim of many hoaxes, including a note from "King Theebaw of Burmah" granting him the title of "Knight of the White Elephant", which he used for the rest of his life; but the highlight of his career came when he showed up at Queen Victoria's residence at Balmoral Castle convinced he was to be knighted, only to be turned away and ordered never to return. "Affection for the self-styled tragedian of the Victorian age has grown since his demise," writes Estelle, "culminating in the plan to engrave the first two verses of 'The Railway Bridge of the Silvery Tay' in the ground near the bridge: 'Beautiful Railway Bridge of the Silvery Tay! With your numerous arches and pillars in so grand array And your central girders, which seem to the eye To be almost towering to the sky..." "Although I am too small a man to make propositions which might affect a reform in this dreadful state of things, nevertheless I may as well sing my fool's song to the end, and say...what could and should be done." - Martin Luther, 1520 COME ON-A MY HOUSE... Said God, after 74 years, to crooner Rosemary Clooney, who according to director Mike Nichols sang "like Spencer Tracey acts." According to the showbiz obit in the L.A. Times, she released her first solo disk in 1946 -"I'm Sorry I Didn't Say I'm Sorry When I Made You Cry Last Night." She did a lot of crying "backstage" during her long career but laughed all the way to the bank when she reluctantly gave voice to "Come On-a My House", a quasi-Armenian song in a pseudo-Italian accent written by author William Saroyan and Ross "David Seville" Bagdasarian - creator of the singing Chipmunks. Other highlights are "Tenderly", "Me and My Teddy Bear", "Botch-a-me", "Too Old To Cut The Mustard", (with Marlene Dietrich!), "This Ole House", "Mambo Italiano" and the" Night Before Christmas" song -- with Gene Autry. She was at Robert Kennedy's murder at the Ambassador and soon after suffered a mental blow-out herself, being institutionalized for many years; but she made a miraculous comeback, re-achieving a measure of her past success, "But," she said, "people ask me to sing 'Doggie in the Window', which wasn't even my song. It was Patti Page's. I just hope she gets asked plenty of times to sing 'Come On-a My House.'" "Either Do Something Very Beautiful or Very Useful." - Motto from Bell Lab ONE INTERNET, UNDER GOD... "Rolling Laughter" July 14th Benefit: http://www.wyngs.org Big Brother sez get anyone's driver's license: http://www.license.shorturl.com/ Cat Fights!!! (Thanks to April Winchell): http://www.catboxing.com/ And for everything evil: http://www.villainsupply.com/ "The best way to predict the future is to invent it." - Alan Kay, from Chris Meyer "HAVE A HAPPY FARCE IF YOU LIE!" and LISTEN to 7 minutes with the Firesign, July 4th, on NPR's "ALL THINGS CONSIDERED"!! ++++++++++++(JULY 4, 2002)++++++++++ * FIRESIGN: http://www.firesigntheatre.com * FIREZINE: http://www.firezine.net * FIRESIGN STUFF: http://www.lodestone-media.com * RARE RE-RELEASES: http://www.laugh.com * FUNNY TIMES: http://www.funnytimes.com I don't care if you are a Republican or a Democrat, If you don't think that Bush and the family buddies from the Ole Boys Club at Yale's Bonesmen Society are stealing from you every day you are blind. They not only steal your stocks and 401k funds, they steal from you every time you pay your electric and heating bill. Every time you gas your car. They took from you when you paid more for products that cost more because of higher energy costs to manufacturers and transportation. The Bush family partners started with the train robber baron Harriman and the robber barons of Standard Oil. Their next partners was the metal industry of Nazi Germany. Their latest partners are the Islamic Countries and the Energy Companies. George W. Bush's speech is like the guy trying not to get caught by joining the lynch mob. Here are some stories I saw by doing a search for Bush and Enron, Bush and Germany, Bush and Rockefeller, Bush and Harriman, and Bush and Harken. When CEO Cheney got a windfall from Halberton, thousands lost their jobs and pension funds were devalued. The general counsel of the SEC during the investigation of Bush's Harken trades was James R. Doty, who earlier represented Bush in his purchase of the Texas Rangers, made with the proceeds of his sale of Harken shares. During the SEC investigation, which occurred while his father was president, Bush was represented by Robert Jordan, who had been a law partner of Doty at the Baker Botts firm. Bush named Jordan ambassador to Saudi Arabia last year. http://www.washingtonpost.com/wp-dyn/articles/A21953-2002Jul3.html And now it seems more than ironic that a man appointed by George Bush Senior as the SEC chairman, and who cleared George Bush of any impropriety over Harken (in spite of considerable evidence to the contrary) has now been appointed to oversee the largest corporate fraud in US history. http://www.scoop.co.nz/mason/stories/HL0207/S00033.htm U.S. District Judge Jed Rakoff in Manhattan selected Richard Breeden, who headed the SEC from 1989-1993, to act as the court-appointed monitor in the SEC's civil fraud suit against WorldCom. http://www.scoop.co.nz/mason/stories/HL0207/S00033.htm The complicity of the Bush administration in the happenings of Enron had detrimental effects on the enronomy (there's that word again). Sixty billion dollars just disappearing from the enronomy must have a detrimental effect, and let's face facts, there is no way that members of this administration didn't know what was going on When Lay threatened that his close friend Bush, would fire Hebert unless he obeyed, Hebert refused. Lay ordered Bush to fire Hebert, and Bush complied in August 2001. Hebert has been on record about all of this for months, but he recently made a new, even more explosive charge. Hebert says Bush also let Lay INTERVIEW him and other candidates for FERC Chairman in the first place! http://www.globalfreepress.org/enronomics.shtml http://www.citizenspokane.com/enrongate.htm THE ENRON BUSH CONNECTION By: Uri Dowbenko The phony US energy crisis has deep ties to the Bush Family. One of the prime beneficiaries of the "crisis" is Enron Corporation and its Chairman Ken Lay, a major corporate and personal contributor to George Bush Jr.'s presidential campaign. Even though California Gov. Gray Davis has reached into California residents' deep pockets to bail out the utility companies through emergency legislation, Washington Gov. Gary Locke has balked. According to KCPQ-TV's Chris Daniels' "A Disturbing New Twist in Western Power Troubles, "Governor Locke says, 'It's unjustified, it's obscene, and clearly hurting all consumers.'" Like other western governors, Locke has had to pay for electricity at any price. In November of 1999, for example, electricity was purchased for $29 a megawatt hour. A year later, the price increased to $160 an hour, according to sources at Tacoma Power. Last month it was at $525. Locke expressed his indignation saying, "I've very disappointed in President Bush that the new administration will not be intervening." But why should he intervene? One of Bush's largest campaign contributors is Enron Corporation, a Texas-based company which is part of the defacto global energy oligopoly-cartel. Although diversifying into other business, Enron has been best known as the largest buyer and seller of natural gas in the United States. Its 1999 revenues of $40 billion had made it the 18th largest company in the United States. Enron is also invested in energy projects around the world, including the UK, Argentina, Bolivia, Brazil, the Philippines, Indonesia, China, India and Mozambique. One of the global energy cartel's most visible players, Enron saw its corporate profits rise 34 percent in the fourth quarter of 2000. Enron shareholders should ask -- did dividends come from price gouging US citizens? How George Bush Jr. Got Layed Federal Election Commission records show that Enron Chairman Kenneth Lay donated more than $350,000 directly to Bush campaigns since 1997. Lay also gave another $100,000 to Republican candidates and fundraising committees. In addition, Enron Corporation, including employees, also donated $1.5 million in soft money to Bush and Republican committees. More recently, Lay and his wife donated $10,000 to the "Florida Recount Fund," and another $100,000 to the "Presidential Inaugural Fund." As one of his fundraising "Pioneers," Lay helped raise more than $100,000 for Bush's campaign for president. In consideration of these numbers, is it too much to ask for a phony and contrived power "crisis" as a payback? Naah, not at all... According to newswire reports, as a new energy advisor for President Bush, Ken Lay says that precap prices for wholesale electricity in the West "is not even a short-term solution." | Not coincidentally, Enron is the largest power marketer in the United States. A cap would limit the prices it and other wholesalers could charge to utilities. Wholesale power prices were deregulated under the landmark 1996 law but retail rates were not. Lay said the federal government should limit itself to an "advisory" role, letting California leaders resolve a "pretty much self-inflicted problem." California's rolling blackouts have come as the two large utilities, PG&E Corp. and Southern California Edison, have struggled under huge debts through buying electricity at higher wholesale prices than they can recoup under the retail rates they are allowed to charge. In the short term, Lay said, the state government will have to "buy the power to fill the short positions of the utilities." And to ensure Enron's unconscionable profit, he should have added. Enron's Pug Winokur, Shadow Government Insider On the Enron corporate website, one of the Board of Directors, Herbert S. "Pug" Winokur, Jr., is described as Chairman and CEO of Capricorn Holdings, Inc., and Former Senior Executive Vice President, Penn Central Corporation. As the Insiders' Insider, "Pug" Winokur has been such a permanent fixture in the Washington Old Boy Network that he's even mentioned in a 1978 book by Daniel Guttman called "The Shadow Government." Historically Winokur's Capricorn Holdings was used as an investment vehicle in NHP, an apartment management firm headed by Roderick Heller III. In turn, NHP's assets included oft-purloined and defaulted HUD Section 8 subsidy housing, a notorious and well-known vehicle for fraud and money laundering. Winokur was also on the Board of Directors of Harvard Endowment Fund, which purchased 50 percent of NHP, making the prestigious Harvard a prototypical, but very low-profile, slum landlord. (See Bushwhacked: HUD Fraud, Spooks and the Slumlords of Harvard" http://www.conspiracydigest.com/bushwhacked1.html) It should also be noted that George Bush Jr. attended Harvard Business School. Later, after Bush joined Harken Energy Corp and became a director, the largest stock position and seat on the board was acquired by Harvard Management Co. Ironically, from 1988 to 1997, Winokur was also the Chairman and CEO of DynCorp, one of the government's largest contractors in data acquisition and management. Since DynCorp had a contract from the Department of Justice, Winokur would have profited from the DoJ Asset Seizure Program, as well as HUD's Operation Safe Home seizures which targeted low-income tenants and mortgage holders in the inner cities. In addition DynCorp is one of the lead contractors for the new phony War on Drugs in South America called "Plan Colombia," another tax-payer supported scam to bring monies into DynCorp's coffers. Now there's a guy who understands that the only way to do a deal is to get it rigged from the very beginning. Enron's Son of a Spook Enron dealmaker Frank Wisner, Jr. muscled the company into lucrative overseas contracts, most notably in India and the Philipines. Enron's deal to manage a power plant in the Philippines was due largely to Wisner's efforts. Based in Subic Bay, a former US military outpost, the power planet was taken over by Enron in 1993, two months after the last US troops left the base. Wisner is also credited with helping Enron win a $2.8 billion deal in India, building a power plant near Bombay. Now the project is under heavy fire for being over-priced, and the deal continues to simmer with allegations of bribery. Wisner Jr. must have learned his tradecraft from his father Frank Wisner Sr., one of the CIA's prime operatives. Wisner Sr., who worked at CIA from 1947 until just before his "suicide" in 1965, was involved in 1) the 1954 CIA coup in Guatemala, toppling the goverment of Jacobo Arbenz for United Fruit Company, 2) the 1953 overthrow of Iranian Prime Minister Mohammed Mossadeq, and 3) the secret operations against Indonesian President Sukarno. Unlike his spooky father, Frank Wisner Jr., however, was a former Pentagon official before his job at Enron. Enron's Ken Lay and the Bush Boys Enron Founder and Chairman Kenneth Lay also worked in the Pentagon for the Nixon administration during the Vietnam War. Lay is a close friend of George Bush, Sr. In fact, his Houston home in River Oaks is near the Tanglewood residence of the former President and CIA Director. Although there have been no published reports of Bush Sr. doing favors for Lay, three of the Bush Boys have used their father's name to get contracts for Enron. According to an article by Seymour Hersh in the New Yorker, Neil and Marvin Bush tried to influence government officials for an Enron bid to rebuild Shuaiba North power plant in Kuwait. Ironically this power plant was destroyed in George Bush's Persian Gulf War. Enron abandoned the bid a year ago. In 1988, then Texas governor George Bush Jr., reportedly telephoned Rodolfo Terragno, Argentina's Public Works Minister, to ask him to award Enron a contract to build a pipeline from Chile to Argentina. "He assumed that the fact he was the son of the president would exert influence. I felt pressured. It was not proper for him to make that kind of call," Terragno told The Nation. Finally, when Carlos Menem, another Bush Sr. crony, became president of Argentina, Enron won the bid. Neil Bush, director of the failed Denver-based Silverado Savings and Loan, created a subsidiary of his oil company to conduct business in Argentina in 1987. Argentina finally got so fed up with the Bush Boys, they formally had a parliamentary investigation regarding their so-called "business dealings. Enron Rigs Washington During the Clinton Years Even though it has strong ties to the Republican Party, Enron also did remarkably well during the Clinton years. Most importantly, they got a ban lifted on Export-Import Bank financing of projects in China. This allowed Enron to move forward on overseas projects guaranteed by US taxpayers. In other words, if Enron "fails," you pay. Enron also got new rules instituted at the Ex-Im Bank that allowed the bank to finance projects on the basis of projected cash flow. This insider track helped Enron make multi-billion dollar deals overseas with US taxpayers guaranteeing their performance. * March 1993, Enron made a deal to develop new European markets for Russian gas. * November 1993, Enron made a $1 billion deal with Turkey to develop two power plants. Ex-Im Bank provided $285 million in financing. The Overseas Private Investment Council(OPIC)covered insurance costs. * August 1994, Enron made a deal to build a power plant in India. ExIm provides major financing and OPIC provides an additional $100 million. * November 1994, Enron made a deal to build a $130 million power plant in China. Ex-Im Bank again provided the financing. Moral of the story? When you're a monopoly capitalist, it doesn't matter who's in office. Republicans. Democrats. They all bribe the same. Lawsuit Against Enron Alleges Conspiracy Unfazed by the bogus and contrived energy crisis, the San Francisco City Attorney is filing a lawsuit against Enron and eleven other companies. The filing says that Enron "conspired to restrict supplies and drive up prices" costing consumers additional charges "on the order of 1 billion dollars." Washington's Governor Locke says President Bush needs to take counter-measures or the economy will suffer on a national level. "If the federal government doesn't act, you're going to see a lot of jobs go away, a lot of business close down..." says Locke. "We need help from the federal government immediately to help stabilize the situation." Is this Enron's first visible and public Bush payoff? It just might be the best "energy crisis" money can buy.

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