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Magic Mike's Jokes Archive #39
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"Since all phenomena, is a product of one's own mind,
empty of meaning, like a magician's illusion,
having nothing to do with good or bad, acceptance or rejection,
one might burst out in laughter."
- Longchenpa, 13th century Tibetan monk.
Hi, How's the farm? on my way out the door. I'm off to be the wizard. i knew the night of the September 10th that there was going to be a catastrophe the next day. it came to me while i was taking a piss, leaning againt the bathroom wall. bathroom's are nice quiet places for an esp moment. it came in a flash to me that there was going to be a big problem the next day that was going to effect eveyone. i knew it was going to be terrorists, but i didn't know where and i knew we were going to be at war. the thought came to me about 11pm pacific time. it's a shame i can't usually get more details, and i never know if it is just a passing thought or something real. i thought you might like to see the mailer i just made for emailing my prospective clients here for magic shows. I never use snail mail now. I either email or fax them. i just finished reading the 4th harry potter book. i am looking forward to the movie next month, and in december lord of rings comes out in movie! write back and let me know what's new! -mike
Can YOU tell the difference between male and female flies?
I stopped at a friend's house the other day and found him stalking around with a fly swatter. When I asked if he was getting any flies, he answered, "Yeah, three males and two females." Curious, I inquired as to how he could tell the difference. He answered, "Three were on a beer can and two were on the phone.
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Camping by the Colorado River, a woman was surprised to see a man rowing down the river screaming, "No! No! No!" Spotting another woman down the shore, she ran over.
"Say," she said quickly, "shouldn't we do something to help that man? He seems to be in distress."
The other woman looked up, her expression placid. "Oh, he's my husband, and he's just fine."
"If he's fine, then why is he rowing down the river screaming 'no'?"
The other woman smiled. "During the week he's a corporate 'yes' man."
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Did you hear about the nurse who died and went straight to hell? It took her two weeks to realize that she wasn't at work anymore!
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A truck driver was driving down the highway when he saw a priest at the side of the road.
He stopped to pick up the priest and give him a ride.
A ways down the road the truck driver saw Osama bin Laden (aka Looney bin Laden), walking on the side of the road.
He turned the truck on a direct course with the madman. Then he thought, "Oh no, I have a priest in the truck I can't run down this madman." And at the last second the truck driver swerved to miss Looney bin Laden.
But, the Truck Driver heard a thump outside of the truck, he looked in his rear-view mirror but didn't see anything.
He turned to the priest and said "Sorry Father, I just missed bin Laden at the side of the road."
And the priest said, "Don't worry son, I got him with my door."
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Doctor, doctor, my wooden leg is giving me a lot of pain. Why's that? My wife keeps hitting me over the head with it.
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The argument you just won with your spouse isn't over yet!
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Two blondes are waiting at a bus stop, when a bus pulls up and opens the door. One of the blondes leans inside and asks the driver, "Will this bus take me to 5th Avenue?" The bus driver shakes his head and says, "No, I'm Sorry." At this the other blonde leans inside, smiles and twitters, "Will it take ME?"
Learn how to perform for fun or profit. http://funandmagic.com/lessons.html/ Make $10-$20/hour at home 3.9 cents/min. phone 24x7 No fees or contracts http://ld.net/?phon4less/
Hi, You'll like the Onion story on God's take on the killing. -mike
(((((((((((((((((((((((( PLANET PROCTOR 2001.20- http://www.planetproctor.com
"CHANGED PRIORITIES AHEAD" - Road sign in the U.K.
OFF I GO... Yes, I'm flying out on AA 1238 today, Sunday October 14th; off to visit Richard Fish at LodesTone in Bloomington, Indiana to promote Firesign Theatre product, then a drive to Goshen for a visit with my Mom and my aunt Bonnie; then to Milwaukee for Melinda's opening night on the 19th of "The Magic Fire"; and back the 23rd. AA 1238? Sound familiar? It's the flight that was plagued by two loonies for two days in a row. But what I'm really worried about is the crazies stated intention to target Chi-town's Sears Tower. Melinda assures me that my plane won't contain enough fuel to take it down. Like she knows. Well, I'm going, and I hope the Planet is still spinning after my safe return. Anyway, the planet will still spin.
"Life gives more than death can take away." - from a eulogy by Richard Green for Larry Lantz JUST JOKING... The year is 2021 and a man and his son are walking through New York. They come up on a bare space among the office buildings and the man sighs, saying "Son, twenty years ago the Twin Towers stood right there." The boy says, "What were the Twin Towers, Daddy?" "Well, son, they were two of the tallest buildings in the world. They were filled with thousands of offices and thousands of people worked there. Then one day, some Arabs flew two planes into them and brought them to the ground, destroying them." They stood in silence a while longer before the boy looked up at his father and asked -- "What's an Arab?" (Forwarded by Gary Gordon)
"My Other Car Has Liver Spots" and "Hang Up And Drive" - Bumper stickers
KIDS ON LOVE, NOT DRUGS "When someone loves you, the way they say your name is different. You know that your name is safe in their mouth." Billy - age 4 "Love is when a girl puts on perfume and a boy puts on shaving cologne and they go out and smell each other." Karl, 5 "Love is when you kiss all the time. Then when you get tired of kissing, you still want to be together and you talk more. My mommy and Daddy are like that. They look gross when they kiss." Emily, 8 "Love is when mommy sees daddy on the toilet and she doesn't think it's gross." Mark, 6 "Love is when mommy gives daddy the best piece of chicken.' Elaine, 5 "Love is when your puppy licks your face even after you left him alone all day." Mary Ann, 4 "I know my older sister loves me because she gives me all her old clothes and has to go out and buy new ones." Lauren, 4 "I let my big sister pick on me because my Mom says she only picks on me because she loves me. So I pick on my baby sister because I love her." Bethany, 5 "You really shouldn't say 'I love you' unless you mean it. But if you mean it, you should say it a lot. People forget." Jessica - 8 "When you love somebody, your eyelashes go up and down and little stars come out of you.' Karen, 7 "If you want to learn to love better, you should start with a friend who you hate." Nikka, 6
"A secret order of rubber nuns conduct forbidden experiments in golden wetness with captured male victims." - Video catalogue blurb
A JOB TO DIE FOR! Attention, all terminal &/or manic-depressive Americans of all religions, credos, races, & color who have recently suffered overwhelming, &/or unbearable emotional distress! All heartbroken teens, Older recently divorced women and men, Terminal cancer patients, old people, and all other Americans contemplating suicide!! MAKE BIG BUCKS IN YOUR SPARE TIME! GET RICH ON YOUR WAY TO THAT WORLD WITHOUT END!! BECOME A SUICIDE BOMBER!! CONTACT: iwannadie.org. All you have to do is sign this release: "I'm not a terrorrist - I'm just really really depressed." (No bureaucrats, politicians, or religious fanatics need apply.)
"Inspiration? I get paid for this, guys." - Writer Tom Clancy (rumored to own a tank)
EFFIGY BIZ SOARS!!! Pinatas bearing the likeness of Osama bin Laden have caused a stir in Texas The owners of "JJ's Party House" got ten bin Laden from a Mexican supplierand they said they planned to donate profits to NY firefighters. They've sold pinatas of notorious figures before like Monica Lewinsky and Saddam Hussein. Gee, what's inside -- anthrax? Then, the NY metal band Anthrax's lead singer, Scott Ian said in the L.A. Times that it's like being "a bandleader named Freddie Hitler during WW2. "Before the tragedy of 9.11," he adds, "the only scary thing about our band was our bad hair." They will NOT change their name to "Basket Full of Puppies." Even the Iranians can have riots for more than an anti-American demonstrations. Tens of thousands of youngsters went wild over their soccer team's 2-1 victory over Iraq. In Teheran, a girl who lost her headscarf and was assaulted by a mob of policemen said, "I hope that America drops bombs on your head..." And of course a CBS sitcom, according to Calendar, is considering a pilot for a series "to heighten the stakes," about a middle-aged couple "who are brought together after losing spouses in the World trade center bombing." Don't miss it if you can. Then, Bush the sequel affirmed in a speech at the Labor Department that, "There is no doubt in my mind, not one doubt in my mind, that we will fail." No one reacted, and he went on to say, "Failure is not part of our vocabulary." Rush Limbaugh has lost the hearing in his LEFT EAR, but only 80 percent in his right. (I wish him well, but he can't hear me.) And finally, many Brits when asked to portray their religious affiliation in a recent census, listed "Jedi Knight."
"There was a very good view when they bombed the airport." - Afghani Tajik, L.A. Times
GOD IS PISSED Excerpts from the Onion (laugh until you cry): Responding to recent events on Earth, God, the omniscient creator-deity worshipped by billions of followers of various faiths for more than 6,000 years, angrily clarified His longtime stance against humans killing each other Monday. "Look, I don't know, maybe I haven't made myself completely clear, so for the record, here it is again," said the Lord, His divine face betraying visible emotion during a press conference near the site of the fallen Twin Towers. "Somehow, people keep coming up with the idea that I want them to kill their neighbor. Well, I don't. And to be honest, I'm really getting sick and tired of it. Get it straight. Not only do I not want anybody to kill anyone, but I specifically commanded you not to, in really simple terms that anybody ought to be able to understand. "I don't care how holy somebody claims to be," God said. "If a person tells you it's My will that they kill someone, they're wrong. Got it? I don't care what religion you are, or who you think your enemy is, here it is one more time: No killing, in My name or anyone else's, ever again."God continued, "It's not God's will, all right? News flash: 'God's will' equals 'don't murder people.'" Worse yet, many of the worst violators claim that their actions are justified by passages in the Bible, Torah and Qur'an. "To be honest, there's some contradictory stuff in there, okay?" God said. "So I can see how it could be pretty misleading. I admit it. My bad. Frankly, much of the material that got in there is dogmatic, doctrinal bullshit. I turn My head for a second and,suddenly, all this stuff about homosexuality gets into Leviticus, and everybody thinks it's God's will to kill gays. "Read the book: 'Allah is kind Allah is beautiful, Allah is merciful.' It goes on and on that way, page after page. But, no, some assholes have to come along and revive this stupid holy-war crap just to further their own hateful agenda. So now, everybody thinks Muslims are all murderous barbarians. Thanks, Taliban: 1,000 years of pan-Islamic cultural progress down the drain." "The Muslims massacre the Hindus, the Hindus massacre the Muslims. The Buddhists, everybody massacres the Buddhists. The Jews, don't even get me started on the hard-line, right-wing, Meir Kahane-loving Israeli nationalists, man. And the Christians? You people believe in a Messiah who says, 'Turn the other cheek,' but you've been killing everybody you can get your hands on since the Crusades... I'm talking to all of you, here!" continued God, His voice rising to a shout. "Do you hear Me?" "I don't want you to kill anybody. I'm against it, across the board. How many times do I have to say it? Don't kill each other anymore -- ever!" Then, witnesses reported, God's shoulders began to shake, and He wept.
"Stephen King was inspired to become a writer by the Dr. Doolittle books." - BOMC Newsletter
BEHIND THE EARS Bert (not Bart) Simpson wrote in a recent Radio Drama Digest newsletter, "I've produced dinosaur footsteps in the past by scattering a thin layer of gravel and sand onto a drum, thumping it with a pair of old boots and slowing down the result. Sounded OK." To which a subscriber responded, "I think I read someplace that the folks who made Jurassic Park used potato chips." Bert answered, "Ah, but my version was made for the BBC. Gravel is free, potato chips cost money." And by the way, (with an emphasis on the "buy"), "Don't Crush That Dwarf" is being released in the U.K.right now by Acadia, the British reissue division of Evangeline. Contact: http://www.evangeline.co.uk/forthcoming.html AND! The upcoming Firesign Theatre PBS special "Weirdly Cool" has been picked up by 19 of the top 20 public bradcast stations! (If you live in Detroit, call them and get it on!)
"The booze bone's connected to the butt bone." - Bruce Peterson on drinking and smoking.
CAN PIGS FLY? An Israeli friend recently informed me that the UK fought the Islamic terrorist attacks by burying the criminals with a pig. Apparently their belief is that if ones' body is buried with a pig (because they are considered unclean) their soul will go to hell. I did a little research into this subject matter and found it to be true, and this got me thinking. If we put a baby pig on every airline flight then all suicide terrorists would abort their missions as they would not want their souls to go to hell. Turn the pigs loose. The war would be over in a weekend. (Source LOST!!!)
"Afghan warriors...often place their weapons before them when they pray." - L.A. Times photo caption
NOT TO HELL Dagmar, nee Virginia Ruth Egnor, who helped create the modern image of the "blonde bombshell" from the '40s on, died at 79. She appeared with the likes of Milton Berle, Olsen and Johnson, Bert Lahr and then, Jerry Lester on the precursor to the Tonight Show called "Broadway Open House" where she was presented as a band singer who couln't sing but spoke "treatises" like, "A mushroom is a place where you make love. Singular means you're musically inclined, and isolate? That means you admit you're tardy." And on to the angels goes Doug Millings, 88, who designed over 500 outfits for the Beatles. "I'd been experimenting with round collars," she says in the L.A. Times obit, "[but] I've never claimed to have entirely 'invented" it. She admits, however, that she could never really measure the Fab Four, "because they were never able to stand still."
"I'm here to give you permission to laugh; and if you don't, I'll have you arrested." - Mayor Guliani at Seinfeld's Carnegie Hall Fundraiser
++++++++++++(OCTOBER 13, 2001)++++++++++ * FIRESIGN: http://www.firesigntheatre.com * FIREZINE: http://www.firezine.net * FIRESIGN STUFF: http://www.lodestone-media.com * FUNNY TIMES: http://www.funnytimes.com PLANET PROCTOR (C) 2001 by Phil Proctor
Hi, I have some interesting things for you and some jokes. I hope you didn't bet against my Seattle Mariners today. WOW! I left to perform magic and they were down 0-2. When I was done my show they had won 14-3. Talk about magic! Here is the site for the new movie with Kevin Spacey about a guy who says he is from http://www.k-pax.com/ . I find this a useful bookmark on my links bar http://tvguide.com This is a dead serious site by a Sirius guy with a sense of satire and an itchy quill. Jack is on this list, Hi Jack, and he wrote the WellWorld books which are among my favorites (all 15? of them Jack?) and he is about to give birth again the his 63-65th book called Chameleon. Great looking site, have fun http://jackchalker.com At the bottom is a story Dave forwarded to me from the right-wing about why we weren't warned when when had the information right under our nose.
CONFIDENTIAL MEMO From: The White House To: Albert Gore Dear Al: We found some more votes. You won. When do you want to take over? Sincerely, George W. Bush
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What I want in a woman, Original list (age 22)
a. Sexy b. Red head c. Owns her own liquor store d. Loves sex e. Looks fantastic f. Easy to take off clothes g. Thinks I am a great lover h. Wants to try new positions.
What I want in a woman, Revised list (age 32)
a. Looks good b. is able to open a car door c. has good table manners d. laughs at my jokes e. knows stores carry other things then frozen dinners f. knows how to cook g. doesn't nag about birthdays and anniversaries h. like sex
What I want in a woman, Revised list (age 42)
a. Wears less the a half pound of make-up b. knows how to drive without scaring me c. is able to grasp most conversations d. is able to tell a joke e. is less then 50 pound overweight f. relinquish control of the remote occasionally g. able to check the toilet seat h. Washes her bathrobe now and then
What I want in a woman, Revised list (age 52)
a. Wears more make-up b. Tries not to belch in public c. Has a job d. Learns new jokes e. Is able to get off the couch to find the kitchen f. Remembers a stoves main use g. Shaves armpits and trims moustache occasionally
What I want in woman, Revised list (age 62)
a. Doesn't scare your friends b. Remembers where the bathroom is, in time c. Make-up budget is less then national debt d. Can't be heard snoring from spare bedroom e. Is less then 100 pounds overweight f. Wears clothes that cover her belly g. Likes soft foods h. Remembers where she left her teeth i. Doesn't wake me up early on weekends
What I want in woman, Revised list (age 72)
a. breathing in normal rhythm b. Gets to the toilet in time c. Doesn't nag too much
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SEX: The only activity where you start at the top and work your way to the bottom, while getting a raise.
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MOODS OF A WOMAN
An angel of truth and a dream of fiction, a woman is a bundle of contradiction,
she's afraid of a wasp, will scream at a mouse, but will tackle her boyfriend alone in the house.
She'll take him for better, she'll take him for worse she'll break open his head and then be his nurse
but when he's well and can get out of bed she'll pick up the tea-pot and aim for his head.
Beautiful and keenly sighted, yet blind; crafty and cruel, yet simple and kind
she'll call him a king, then make him a clown, raise him on a pedestal, then knock him flat down.
She'll inspire him to deeds that ennoble man, or make him her lackey to carry her fan.
She'll run away from him and never come back but if he runs away, then she'll be on his track.
Sour as vinegar, sweet as a rose, she'll kiss you one minute, then turn up her nose,
she'll wind you in rage, enchant you in silk, she'll be stronger than brandy, milder than milk.
At times she'll be vengeful, merry and sad, she'll hate you like poison, and love you like mad.
MOODS OF A MAN Horny.
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Do you realize that in about 40 years, we'll have thousands of old ladies running around with tattoos?
Sean got home in the early hours of the morning after a night at the local pub. He made such a racket hitting into the furniture as he weaved his way through the house, that he woke up the Mrs.
"What on earth are you doing down there?" she yelled down from the bedroom. "Get yourself up here to bed and don't waken the neighbors."
"I'm trying to get a barrel of beer up the stairs" he shouted.
"Leave it 'till the morning" she shouted back.
"I can't" he said "I've drank it!"
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Father: "I'm worried about your being at the bottom of the class." Son: "Don't worry, Dad, they teach the same stuff at both ends."
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To Err Is Human, To Forgive Divine. To err is human, to purr feline. To err is human, two curs canine. To err is human, to do nothing, benign. To err is human, to quit, resign. To err is human, to howl about it, lupine. To err is human, to solve it, design. To err is human, to admit it, asinine. To err is human, to moo bovine.
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Two fellows are running a store and decide to have a big blow-out clearance sale. Within 3 hours, everything is sold from the store. The one fellow says to the other, "Well, what now? We've sold everything." The other replies, "Don't worry, there's this retard who comes in here everyday. We'll have a few laughs on him." Sure enough, about 15 minutes later, the retard comes walking in, hands in pockets, looking around. "Tell me guys," asks the retard, "what have you guys got for sale today?" One of the fellows says, "Well we're having a sale on assholes!" The retard says, "Well ya must be doing pretty good, ya only got two left!"
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© 2001 WorldNetDaily.com
During the Watergate investigation into Nixon administration corruption, a familiar question to witnesses was: "What did the president know and when did he know it?"
A good variation on that question more than a month after the Sept. 11 terrorist attack is: "What did the government know and when did it know it?"
There's a growing body of evidence that those entrusted and paid by the people to know about threats indeed had some warning, but failed to pass it on to the public.
For instance, according to a report in the London Telegraph, Israeli intelligence agents traveled to Washington in August to warn the FBI and Central Intelligence Agency that large-scale terrorist attacks on highly visible targets on the American mainland were imminent. The Israelis warned that as many as 200 terrorists linked to Osama bin Laden and Iraq were preparing a big operation.
Now that may not seem like enough information to have prevented the attacks. But that's not all the information that was available to our intelligence agencies - not by a long shot.
The FBI and other federal law enforcement agencies also knew that two of the hijackers were in the country, according to the Los Angeles Times. They were on a terrorist watch list. But the airlines were not notified.
In addition, the FBI and CIA were well aware of bin Laden's plans to hijack U.S. airliners. The plot was uncovered six years earlier in the Philippines when police found detailed information on a laptop computer belonging to a bin Laden operative, Ramsi Youssef. The plan called for hijacking U.S. airliners and crashing them into U.S. buildings including the World Trade Center and Pentagon.
In case the FBI and CIA had just forgotten about Project Bojinka, which I sincerely doubt, they should have received a reminder with the 1999 publication of Yossef Bodansky's book, "Bin Laden: The Man Who Declared War on America," in which he spells it out. The original plan called for the hijacking of 11 airliners at once.
In other words, had the FBI and CIA simply added two plus two, the threat of hijackings would have been obvious.
But there was even more.
The FBI had several terrorists under surveillance, according to the Oct. 1 issue of Newsweek. They intercepted communications just prior to Sept. 11 that suggested something very big was about to happen.
Still, there were more clues.
Zacarias Moussaoui was arrested after flight trainers tipped off the feds that he wanted to learn how to fly a 747 but wasn't interested in takeoffs or landings. Zacarias was traveling on a French passport. When contacted, the French government reported that he was a suspected terrorist.
There were even more reasons to be on high alert - and specifically to be thinking about the threat of dramatic hijackings.
The question then is: Were they ignored? And, if so, why?
But there is evidence that the threat wasn't ignored - at least not entirely.
A day after the attack, the San Francisco Chronicle reported that Mayor Willie Brown was called eight hours before the hijackings and warned by his security staff not to travel.
On Sept. 27, the London Times reported that Salman Rushdie got a similar warning about avoiding U.S. and Canadian airliners. That warning, said Rushdie, came from no less authority than the Federal Aviation Administration.
Now, you're probably wondering why Willie Brown and Salman Rushdie are more important to the U.S. government than you and me and Barbara Olson. I'm wondering the same thing.
These selective warnings - and I have no doubt there were many more we have not yet heard about - suggest strongly that the FBI, CIA and other federal agencies had the information, knew something big was up, something that involved terrorist attacks on airliners, but failed to disclose the information to the airlines and the flying public in general.
I think heads should roll at the FBI and CIA. I think there ought to be an investigation into what the FAA knew and when it knew it. I think, once again, the federal government has neglected its main responsibility under the Constitution - protecting the American people from attack.
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Don't miss Joseph Farah's exclusive report "Jihad in America" in the November issue of Whistleblower magazine, WorldNetDaily's monthly offline publication. Order your subscription now.
If you must choose between two evils, pick the one you've never tried before.
Hi, This definitely needs to be your desktop wallpaper background today, The Corina Nebula in 3 colors. Wow! A dying star, Eta Carinae, has been throwing off gas and dust for centuries and it's all lit up by background light and ionized solar winds. In the 1800's it was one of the brightest stars in the southern skies and is still visible with binoculars near the constellation of Carina. I was so far behind in writing, another Planet Proctor Orbit from Hollweird is here again phrom our Phiresign phriend, Fil Proctor. It orbits the southern hemisfere of this email. - Magic Mike
Your morning Chinese proverb: If you want happiness for an hour -- take a nap. If you want happiness for a day -- go fishing. If you want happiness for a month -- get married. If you want happiness for a year -- inherit a fortune. If you want happiness for a lifetime -- help someone else.
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Brendan had spent a week visiting his family in Kentucky. His sister-in-law and seven-year-old nephew went with him when he returned to the airport. After verifying his seat number with the counter attendant, Brendan walked back to his relatives and stated that he'd have to wait an additional three hours in the airport. "How come?," his nephew asked. "My plane has been grounded," Brendan explained. "Grounded?" the little boy said. "I didn't know planes had parents."
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THE "TWO COW EXPLANATION" OF WHAT MAKES...
A CHRISTIAN DEMOCRAT: You have two cows. You keep one and give one to your neighbor.
A SOCIALIST: You have two cows. The government takes one and gives it to your neighbor.
A REPUBLICAN: You have two cows. Your neighbor has none. So what?
A DEMOCRAT: You have two cows. Your neighbor has none. You feel guilty for being successful. You vote people into office who tax your cows, forcing you to sell one to raise money to pay the tax. The people you voted for then take the tax money and buy a cow and give it to your neighbor. You feel righteous.
A COMMUNIST: You have two cows. The government seizes both and provides you with milk.
A FASCIST: You have two cows. The government seizes both and sells you the milk. You join the underground and start a campaign of sabotage.
DEMOCRACY, AMERICAN STYLE: You have two cows. The government taxes you to the point you have to sell both to support a man in a foreign country who has only one cow, which was a gift from your government.
CAPITALISM, AMERICAN STYLE: You have two cows. You sell one, buy a bull, and build a herd of cows.
BUREAUCRACY, AMERICAN STYLE: You have two cows. The government takes them both, shoots one, milks the other, pays you for the milk, then pours the milk down the drain.
AN AMERICAN CORPORATION: You have two cows. You sell one, and force the other to produce the milk of four cows. You are surprised when the cow drops dead.
A FRENCH CORPORATION: You have two cows. You go on strike because you want three cows.
A JAPANESE CORPORATION: You have two cows. You redesign them so they are one tenth the size of an ordinary cow and produce twenty times the milk.
A GERMAN CORPORATION: You have two cows. You reengineer them so they live for 100 years, eat once a month, and milk themselves.
AN ITALIAN CORPORATION: You have two cows but you don't know where they are. You break for lunch.
A RUSSIAN CORPORATION: You have two cows. You count them and learn you have five cows. You count them again and learn you have 42 cows. You count them again and learn you have 12 cows. You stop counting cows and open another bottle of vodka.
A MEXICAN CORPORATION: You think you have two cows, but you don't know what a cow looks like. You take a nap.
A SWISS CORPORATION: You have 5000 cows, none of which belongs to you. You charge for storing them for others.
A BRAZILIAN CORPORATION: You have two cows. You enter into a partnership with an American corporation. Soon you have 1000 cows and the American corporation declares bankruptcy.
AN INDIAN CORPORATION: You have two cows. You worship them.
(((((((((((((((((((( PLANET PROCTOR 2001.16 - http://www.planetproctor.com
"A Man's Perfect Breakfast? You're sitting at the table and you're on the cover of Forbes. Your son is on the box of Wheaties. Your mistress is on the cover of Playboy. Your wife is on the back of the milk carton." - Zobo Bongo Davis
19 THINGS IT TOOK ME OVER 50 YEARS TO LEARN (Having just turned "sweet sixteen" from the other end, I appreciate this un-credited list more than ever... ) There comes a time when you should stop expecting other people to make a big deal about your birthday. That time is age eleven. When God, who created the entire universe with all of its glories, decides to deliver a message to humanity, He WILL NOT use as His messenger a person on cable TV with a bad hairstyle. People who want to share their religious views with you almost never want you to share yours with them. When trouble arises and things look bad, there is always one individual who perceives a solution and is willing to take command. Very often, that person is crazy. You should not confuse your career with your life. If you had to identify, in one word, the reason why the human race has not yet, and never will achieve its full potential, that word would be "meetings." The main accomplishment of almost all organized protests is to annoy people who are not in them. A person who is nice to you, but rude to the waiter, is not a nice person. Never take a sleeping pill and a laxative on the same night. Never lick a steak knife. Take out the fortune BEFORE you eat the cookie. Nobody cares if you can't dance well. Just get up and dance. There is a very fine line between "hobby" and "mental illness." You will never find anybody giving a clear and compelling reason why we observe daylight savings time. Never say anything to a woman that even remotely suggests that you think she's pregnant unless you can see an actual baby emerging from her at that moment. The most powerful force in the universe is gossip. The one thing that unites all human beings, regardless of age, gender, religion, economic status or ethnic background, is that, deep down inside, we ALL believe that we are above-average drivers. Your friends love you anyway. No matter what happens, somebody will find a way to take it too seriously.
"He doesn't deliver the funny." - Comment of a Network Executive
VERY SICK Dear Friends, I am a very sick little boy. My mother is typing this for me, because I can't. She is crying. Don't cry, Mommy! Mommy is always sad, but she says it's not my fault. I asked her if it was God's fault, but she didn't answer and only started crying harder, so I don't ask her that any more. The reason she is so sad is because I'm so sick. I was born without a body. It doesn't hurt, except when I try to breathe. The doctors gave me an artificial body. It is a burlap bag filled with leaves. The doctors said that was the best they could do on account of us having no money or insurance. I would like to have a body transplant, but we need more money. Mommy doesn't work because she said nobody hires crying people. I said, "Don't cry, Mommy," and she hugged my burlap bag. Mommy always gives me hugs, even though she's allergic to burlap and it makes her sneeze and chafes her real bad. I hope you will help me. You can help me if you mindlessly forward this email to everyone you know. Mindlessly forward it to people you don't know, too. Dr. Johansen said that for every person you mindlessly forward this email to, Bill Gates will team up with AOL and send a nickel to NASA. With that funding, NASA will collect prayers from school children all over America and have the astronauts take them up into space so that the angels can hear them better. Then they will come back to earth and go to the Pope, and he will take up a collection in church and send all the money to the doctors. The doctors could help me get better; then, maybe one day I will be able to play baseball. Right now I can only be third base. Please help me. I try to be happy, but it's hard. I wish I had a kitty. I wish I could hold a kitty. I wish I could hold a kitty that wouldn't chew on me and try to bury its sh*t in the leaves of my burlap body. I wish that very much. Thank You, Billy "Smiley" Evans (the boy with just a head, and a burlap sack for a body)
"No one lies in the toilet." - Buena Vista Films promo guy, Richard Sano
THE WEDDING SINGER, TOO Dear Bandleader: We look forward to your performance at our daughter's wedding. If you don't mind, we would like to request a few of our favorite songs. If you could play these at some point during the reception, we'd be grateful. Any Keith Jarrett composition from his solo series. Please have it for the full ensemble and none of the 4/4 songs please. Mahavishnu Orch., "Dance of the Maya," and please have the guitarist play John McLaughlin's solo from the live performance Nov.16, 1972, at Chrysler Arena! My wife and I were at that show and we particularly liked it. (If you find it too difficult, you can leave out the feedback.) Any of John Coltrane's duets with Pharaoh Sanders. I understand that their use of atonality is not everyone's cup of tea, but all our guests love high register tenor saxes. We also thought a little Stravinsky right after the toast would be nice. We particularly like the "Infernal Dance..." or whatever it is called, from "The Rite of Spring" (second version of 1932). If you want to use the sheet music it's OK. We like a tempo of about quarter note = 93 bpm. (Ozawa). Then for the "life candle" lighting ceremony, please play Frank Zappa's "The Grand Wazoo". (If you want to play it in the original key of B, that would be fine, but my cousin Janeene would like to sing the baritone sax solo so you may have to play that part in another key - she has kind of a high voice.) When my daughter throws the garter, could you play just a little of Varese's "Ionisation"? It's such a cool piece, we think it would go over really well. Much better than "The Stripper." And for the Bride & Groom's first dance, please slow things down a bit by doing Barber's "Adagio For Strings". It's so much better than "We've Only Just Begun" or "The Anniversary Waltz". When my wife and I join in the first dance, could you please segue to Thelonius Monk's "Ruby, My Dear"? (That's in honor of my wife's grandmother whose name was Ruby.) It would mean so much to the family. Also, the "logistics" of the occasion in our living room, downstairs rumpus room and backyard are being purposefully left spontaneous, so we were hoping your band members could just sort of stroll around and follow the action. Thanks very much for all your help. We'll certainly be happy to recommend your band to all of our friends. By the way, the gig pays $350 for the group and before you leave, please feel free to ask the caterer for a sandwich and a soda to take with you. Sincerely, The Bride's Parents
"A space odyssey in the beat of today, with the far-out sounds of tomorrow's uncharted trip beyond the now generation." - "Astro Sounds from Beyond 2000" by 101 Strings
DID HE MAKE A CATTY REMARK? An elderly Canadian man was recovering Thursday following a savage attack by his pet cat, which drew four carloads of police, two ambulances and an animal control officer. Gerard Daigle, 80, lost a pint of blood and required stitches after his cat Touti, (a diminutive roughly meaning "Tiny"), launched a frenzied attack after Daigle, who was giving his pet parrot a shower, inadvertently sprayed the cat with water. "It was a real carnage," said animal control officer Guy Theriault, in Trois-Rivieres, Quebec, "there was blood all over the place; on the ceiling, the floor and the walls. The cat was really traumatized by the water." Daigle was saved by his 81-year-old wife who wrestled the cat away, only to have it turn on her. "The cat wanted to eat her, too," one newspaper quoted Daigle as saying. Finally, the couple managed to chase the cat into the bedroom and slam the door. Police responded in force because they thought they were dealing with a domestic emergency. Touti had had a troubled past and has been euthanized. It is not known why Daigle was giving his parrot a shower. (What, he won't talk?) "Does the name Pavlov ring a bell?" - Bumper Sticker from Ivan's Jokes
HOW MANY...BLAH, BLAH, BULB? * ARIES: Just one. You want to make something of it? * TAURUS: One, but just try to convince them that the burned-out bulb is useless and should be thrown away. * GEMINI: Two, but the job never gets finished (they just keep discussing who's supposed to do it and how it's supposed to be done!) * CANCER: Just one. But it takes a therapist three years to help them through the grieving process. * LEO: Leos don't change light bulbs, although sometimes their agent will get a Virgo in to do the job for them while they're out auditioning. * VIRGO: Approximately 1.000000 with an error of +/- one millionth. * LIBRA: Er, two. Or maybe one. No, on second thought, make that two. Is that okay? * SCORPIO: That information is strictly secret and shared only with the Enlightened Ones in the Star Chamber of the Ancient Hierarchical Order. * SAGITTARIUS: The sun is shining, the day is young, we've got our whole lives ahead of us, and you're inside worrying about a stupid burned-out light bulb? * AQUARIUS: Well, you have to remember that everything is energy, so.... * PISCES: Light bulb? What light bulb? * CAPRICORN: I don't waste my time with these childish jokes.
Here's an actual Nostradamus line, not the bogus "village idiot" scam: "Un dubieux ne viendra long du regne! -- A Dubya will not reign long"! - Brian Wesley
A START-LING ENCOUNTER An uncultured-looking gentleman walks into a fancy French restaurant and the maitre d', wanting to get rid of a potential trouble-maker says, "Sir, you can't come in here without a tie." The guy argues, but the maitre d' is firm. So the guy goes out to his car, can't find a tie, but locates a pair of jumper cables in the trunk. He wraps them around his neck and walks back into the restaurant. The maitre d' looks at him and reluctantly says, "OK, you can come in. But don't start anything."
"If a man speaks in the forest and there is no woman there to hear him, is he still wrong?" - On a Tee by Now and Zen Productions
THE BRIDE LIVES! We finished mastering our latest masterpiece last week, "The Bride of Firesign." It will be available on Rhino Records September 4th. Until then, keep playing our old recordings. They'll make sense one day. On we go now, to the pre-production of "Weirdly Cool", a one-hour "Greatest Hits" PBS-TV special to be taped (twice) at CBS/Fairfax on August 24th and hosted remotely by Robin Williams, John Goodman, Chevy Chase, Drew Carey and George Carlin -- or someone like them. The next day, we perform our first live 2-hour "Fools In Space" show for XM Radio, on Channel 150, the Comedy Channel of their new satellite network. Then, I sleep.
"It kills me the way they advertise phone sex,'Phone up and hear a woman's secret fantasies.' If there's any reality to this, you'd hear stuff like, 'Yeah, I'd like to be paid the same as a man for the same job.'" - Source Lost in Cyberspace
THE BASS PLAYERS' PSALM The Lord is my drummer, I shall not rush. He maketh me to lay out in tasteful places; He leadeth me beside cool meter changes; He restoreth my "one". He leadeth me in the right repeats For His name's sake. Yea, though I read through the trickiest road maps, I will fear no train wrecks; For You are with it; Your ride and Your snare, they comfort me. You setteth up a solo for me In the presence of nine guitarists; You annointeth my lines with drive; My groove overflows. Surely good feel and swing will follow me All the tunes of each set; And I will dwell in the pocket, The whole gig long. (From Jon Delfin)
"Why did the robot cross the road? Because he was carbon bonded to the chicken!" - "Lost in Space" 1998, filmthreat.com
++++++++++++(JULY 28, 2001)++++++++++ * FIRESIGN: http://www.firesigntheatre.com * FIREZINE: http://www.firezine.net * FIRESIGN STUFF: http://www.lodestone-media.com * FUNNY TIMES: http://www.funnytimes.com PLANET PROCTOR (C) 2001 by Phil Proctor
