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Magic Mike's Jokes Archive #36
Jokes from the mailbox, Magic Mailouts, NASA space
photo links and other great wallpaper photos,
and Firesign Phil's Planet Proctor Orbits.
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"Since all phenomena, is a product of one's own mind,
empty of meaning, like a magician's illusion,
having nothing to do with good or bad, acceptance or rejection,
one might burst out in laughter."
- Longchenpa, 13th century Tibetan monk.
Hi, Here's a nice one for your wallpaper at my PhotoLinks Page at http://funandmagic.com/ Blade Rock, in Winter. Blade rock, located just East of Tsegi overlook, is a thin band of sandstone extending from the North Rim of Canyon de Chelly. From this angle its semi-circular shape is reinforced by the line of snow-covered trees which seem to prolong it. The cloud above, which bears a shape reminiscent of Blade Rock, strengthens the composition and help bring all the elements together. Reminder to enjoy my Stress Relief page. I also just added new main course and dessert recipes. Hey, perfect present? Harry Potter books and other things at my Harry Potter Store. Also, Mickey, Winney, and others at my Disney Store. Enjoy todays jokes. Planet Proctor Orbits the bottom, Have a magic day and pass it one, Magic Mike
After the man received the full treatment - shave, shampoo, manicure, haircut, etc. - he placed Little Johnny in the chair. "I'm going to buy a green tie to wear for the parade," he said. "I'll be back in a few minutes."
When Little Johnny's haircut was completed and the man still hadn't returned, the barber said, "Looks like your daddy's forgotten all about you."
"That wasn't my daddy," said Little Johnny. "He just walked up, took me by the hand and said, 'Come on, kid, we're gonna get a free haircut!'"
-=-=-=-=-=-=-
There are now rumors that the Taliban has been poisoning the food we have been dropping. We should make a deal with the people of Afghanistan. We'll taste your food, you check our mail." -- Jay Leno - - - - "President Bush is encouraging children to become pen-pals with other children in the Middle East. Oh, that's a good idea. Like parents are going to want to have their children opening letters, saying 'Look what I got, a letter from Afghanistan! Let's see what's in it'" -- Jay Leno - - - - "The big question now is who will take power in Afghanistan once the Taliban is defeated. I was thinking, how about Al Gore? He's not doing anything, he needs a job, and he's already got the beard." -- Jay Leno - - - - "You read about all these terrorists, most of them came here legally, but they hung around on these expired visas, some for as long as 10-15 years. Now, compare that to Blockbuster; you are two days late with a video, and these people are all over you. Let's put Blockbuster in charge of immigration." -- Jay Leno - - - -
Short one liners
The closest I ever got to a 4.0 in college was my blood alcohol level.
I live in my own little world, but it's OK, they know me here.
If carrots are so good for the eyes, how come I see so many dead rabbits on the highway?
I saw a woman wearing a sweatshirt with "Guess" written on it. I said, "Implants?"
I don't do drugs anymore, cause I find I get the same effect just standing up really fast.
Sign in a pet store: "Buy one dog, get one flea."
Money can't buy happiness, but it sure makes misery easier to live with.
I got a sweater for Christmas...I wanted a screamer or a moaner.
If flying is so safe, why do they call the airport the terminal?
I don't approve of political jokes...I've seen too many of them get elected.
The most precious thing we have is life. Yet it has absolutely no trade-in value.
There are two sides to every divorce: Yours, and shithead's.
If life deals you lemons, make lemonade; if it deals you tomatoes, make bloody marys. But if it deals you a truckload of hand grenades...now that's a message!
I love being married. It's so great to find that one special person you want to annoy for the rest of your life.
Shopping tip: You can get shoes for 85 cents at the bowling alley.
Every day I beat my own previous record for number of consecutive days I've stayed alive.
Two peanuts were walking down the street. One was assaulted. (A Salted)
Isn't it funny how the mood can be ruined so quickly by just one busted condom?
How come we choose from just two people to run for president, and 50 for Miss America?
Isn't having a smoking section in a restaurant like having a peeing section in a swimming pool?
Marriage changes passion...suddenly you're in bed with a relative.
Why is it that most nudists are people you don't want to see naked?
The next time you feel like complaining, remember: Your garbage disposal probably eats better than 30% of the people in this world.
Snowmen fall from heaven unassembled.
Every time I walk into a singles bar, I can hear mom's wise words: Don't pick that up, you don't know where it's been.
Now Here'ssssss Phil..........
(((((((((((((((((((((((( PLANET PROCTOR 2001.24 - http://www.planetproctor.com "To live creatively, to live honorably, to hurt no one as far as possible, to enjoy mortality, to fear neither death or immortality, to cherish fools and failures even more than wise men and saints since there are more of them; to believe, to hope, to work and to do these things with humor; to say yes, and not to say no." - Playwright William Saroyan
HE'S CAVING IN From: Bin Laden, Osama, To: Cavemates, Subject: The Cave Hi guys. We've all been putting in long hours but we've really come together as a group and I love that. Big thanks to Omar for putting up the poster that says "There is no I in team" as well as the one that says "Hang In There, Baby." That cat is hilarious. However, while we are fighting a jihad, we can't forget to take care of the cave. And frankly I have a few concerns. First of all, while it's good to be concerned about cruise missiles, we should be even more concerned about the scorpions in our cave. Hey, you don't want to be stung and neither do I, so we need to sweep the cave daily. I've posted a sign-up sheet near the main cave opening. Second, it's not often I make a video address but when I do, I'm trying to scare the most powerful country on earth, okay? That means that while we're taping, please do not ride your razor scooter in the background. Just while we're taping. Thanks. Third point, and this is a touchy one. As you know, by edict, we're not supposed to shave our beards. But I need everyone to just think hygiene, especially after mealtime. We're all in this together. Fourth: food. I bought a box of Cheez-Its recently, clearly wrote "Osama" on the front, and put it on the top shelf. Today, my Cheez-Its were gone. Consideration. That's all I'm saying. Finally, we've heard that there may be American soldiers in disguise trying to infiltrate our ranks. I want to set up patrols to look for them. First patrol will be Omar, Muhammed, Abdul, Akbar, and Richard. Love you lots. Osama (From Take A Break, attribution unknown) P.S. If it looks like I'm going to be captured, kill me. Hugs, ObL
"Military justice is to justice, what military music is to music."- From Sinbad, AKA G.G. but attributed to either Groucho Marx or Clemenceau
SLIPPAGE Planeteer Mike Muskin writes that he's noticed "four juicy Freudian slips" on recent TV-news broadcasts. First, it was announced that President Bush would lead a nationwide "resuscitation" of the pledge of allegiance. Then a cable-TV news anchor was called a network "nose-caster". Then the "war on terrorism" was instead called the "war on television". Finally another "nosecaster", during a discussion of the worldwide arsenal of bio-weapons and wondering whether there was also a corresponding arsenal of antidotes, mentioned the "Administration's arsenal of anecdotes." (Sorry, Mike; but what's funny about that?)
"Want to make a million bucks? Invent a gadget that makes paper coming out of a laser printer SMELL like it's coming off of a mimeograph machine." - Richard Fish, CEO of LodesTone, new home of Firesign Theatre Records
MAKE YOUR MOVE! In the latest issue of "Pinnacle", the source for L.A. real estate and beyond, you can make "an offer they can't refuse" on Frank and Barbara Sinatra's Heavenly Bills estate featuring "two maids", (Frank had it his way). There's also a manageable 10-acre plot called "The Ranch", which features "a kennel that serves as a state-of-the-art gym" (fine for the pit bulls, but where can we work out?), includes a pool just "a jaunt from the main house" and a 2,500-square-foot guest quarters (that's a lot of quarters per square), all for a paltry $13, 500, 000. (Do they take credit cards? Do they return them?) But if you REALLY want to get away from it all - I mean NO tall buildings - how's about your own little volcanic, mystical 250-acre island in Tahiti, "holding more wonder than the imagination of a child" (a spoiled child, I would imagine) and described as a "developer's dream"? "In the beginning of the 18th century", waxes the brochure, "there were approximately 150 inhabitants who enjoyed the few springs of the whole island. The population left and the springs," it concludes, "were buried by landslides. "Reduced to $3,000,000. " CALL NOW! Our operators are on the streets.
"Opportunity is missed by most people because it is dressed in overalls and looks like work." - Thomas Edison BOOLAH-BOOLAH! In this month's Yale Alumni Magazine I found a remarkable observation from Marina Belica, Class of '81. "I began to write an e-mail..." she wrote to her class secretary, "when all hell broke loose. Soho (where I live) is close enough for me to have witnessed the second tower collapse before my eyes, but not before I saw a man jump from a high floor in the most unforgettable embrace of life I have ever seen. "He spread his arms wide and did the most graceful swan dive, a mythic figure, like Icarus, surrendering to his fate, a final majestic, and heroic act, choosing to fly before he died. Apparently, many people jumped. I saw only this man and never, ever will forget it."
"Paramount Classics felt New Yorkers weren't emotionally equipped for something bright or frothy or vivacious [after the events of 9-11]. They needn't have been concerned." - L.A. Times film critic John Anderson on "Sidewalks of New York"
IT'S A BUST A grieving Australian widow, Sandi Canesco, 26, has had her late husband Dustin's ashes injected into her breast implants after he was killed in a car accident, the British tabloid the Daily Star reported under the headline "Dust to Bust". "It dawned on me that if I carried Dustin's cremated remains in my breast implants, I'd never really have to part with him at all," she was quoted as saying in an article forwarded to me by "Take A Break". Tit's a fitting mammorial.
"The Rev. Jerry Falwell says even Osama bin Laden's soul could be saved if he converted to Christianity; but he would still deserve to be killed." - A.P. release
IN THE NOOSE The L.A. Times has been a-bursting with surrealistic news during these doom's days. For instance, while the good people of Oregon are fighting Ayatollah Ashcroft for their right to die at home; across the nation in Montgomery county, Maryland, home owners and apartment dwellers are fighting their neighbors for their right to smoke at home...and maybe die. Seems they passed a measure stipulating that one's smoke "cannot cross property lines." In the meanwhile, back here in L.A., formerly disconnected souls adrift on the mean streets are celebrating the advent of cable-TV to skid row. Says Joe Shelby Walker, who's occupied a room in the Hotel Carlton for almost 40 years, "This is gonna keep me off the streets at night." He was watching gangster movies and a John Wayne film. Councilwoman Jan Perry helped to get 'em hooked up and thanked AT&T for supplying service to "a previously untested client base." Many of the approximately 3,000 residents are pensioners or vets and can afford minimum service...and mediocre entertainment. Then, there is an astonishing look into medical practices under the talons of the Taliban by staff writer Paul Watson, which reveals that surgeons in Kabul were not allowed to operate on female patients but had to stand in a doorway and relay procedures to a nurse wearing a head-to-toe burka, limiting her vision and her hygiene, like the Doctor's obligatory beard. Prior to the fall of the Theocracy, the Doctor interviewed had not been allowed to set eyes on the body of a suffering female or to deliver babies for 5 years. But immediately after November 13th, Dr. Hashem assisted many of 84 newborn Afghans into a "changed world." And we ain't talkin' 'bout diapers... And finally, in Spin Buldak, a flood of Western journalists entered the newly liberated town, to put their spin on things. "Look at them, here they are," said a resident as reported by the Times' Tyler Marshall and Alissa J. Rubin. "First they bomb us, then they come to visit."
"What happened here was the gradual habituation of the people, little by little, to being governed by surprise; to receiving decisions deliberated in secret." - Milton Mayer, "They Thought they Were Free; The Germans, 1933-1935" WHAT'S IN A WORD? The Washington Post's Style Invitational asked readers to alter a word by adding, subtracting, or changing a letter and supply a new definition. The winners: 1) Intaxication: Euphoria at getting a tax refund, which lasts until you realize it was your money to start with. 2) Reintarnation: Coming back to life as a hillbilly. 3) Foreploy: Any misrepresentation about yourself for the purpose of getting laid. 4) Giraffiti: Vandalism spray-painted very, very high. 5) Sarchasm: The gulf between the author of sarcastic wit and the person who doesn't get it. (Call me in case this confuses you) 6) Inoculatte: To take coffee intravenously when you are running late. 7) Hipatitis: Terminal coolness. 8) Osteopornosis: A degenerate disease. 9) Karmageddon: It's like, when everybody is sending off all these really bad vibes, right? And then, like, the Earth explodes and it's like, a serious bummer. 10) Glibido: All talk and no action. 11) Dopeler effect: The tendency of stupid ideas to seem smarter when they come at you rapidly. 12) Ignoranus: A person who's both stupid and an asshole.
"A transvestite is a guy who likes to eat, drink and be Mary!" - From Patty Paul
BALLS!!! Tim Tuffield and several others noted that golfer Arnie Palmer's wife said to Johnny Carson on the "Tonight Show that she "kissed Arnie's balls the morning before a tournament," to which Johnny rejoined, "That must really make his putter stand up." Could be. I actually remember hearing the same bit on an old "Bloopers" record in the 50s. Can anyone confirm the real origin of this event?
"Many people hear voices when no one is there. Some of them are called mad and are shut up in rooms where they stare at the walls all day. Others are called writers, and they do pretty much the same thing." - writer Margaret Chittenden
STOP BUGGIN' ME Scott Morrison tells us that in the May 26 issue of Science News there's an item about some really odd and outrageous scientific names for new species from prankish scientists: names such as Aegrotocatellus (sick puppy), for a type of trilobite; Eucritta Melanolimnetes, meaning "creature from the black lagoon" for a fossilized amphibian; Stupidogobius, a fish; Cuttysarkus Estes (a fossil lizard); Mozartella Beethoveni (a wasp); Petula Clarki (a tineid, whatever that is); Polemistus Chewbacca (a wasp); and finally, Avalanchurus Lennoni, A. Atarri, and Struszia McCartneyi (for beetles, natch); Agra Phobia and Agra Vation (more beetles) and Heerz Lukenatya and Verae Peculya, (for...beetles). Who says Americans are weak in science?!
"Arachibutyrophobia is the fear of peanut butter sticking to the roof of your mouth." - Phil's Phunny Phacts
OFF I GO... To Philadelphia, New York and Houston to appear live with other Firesigns during pledge breaks on our PBS Special "Weirdly Cool." Watch for bits and blurbs about it in TV Guide, Time magazine and other local and national publications. Send me copies! Also, catch me and Melinda in one of Jerry Fineman's cult films, "Brothers Divided" in Stephen Kessler's "The Independent" starring Jerry Stiller.
"The suspense results from guessing how many people will return to their seats after intermission and how many of those brave returnees will stay awake." - Review of "Murder Plot" by L.A. Times critic J.J.M.
AND SPEAKING OF THEATRE... The annual Antaeus Gala fundraiser will take place on Monday, December 17, with performances of A.A. (call me "Pooh") Milne's adaptation of "The Ugly Duckling" with music and lyrics by Jan Powell and Ken Stone and additional dialogue by John Achorn and yours truly. Melinda and I will also be performing. If you're interested in attending the 6:30 or 9:30 shows (with a casual warm supper and raffle between) LET ME KNOW and I'll send you details.
"I was afraid to even hum." - Afghan singer Mohammadvali, Robyn Dixo, L.A. Times
RETRIBUTION AND ATTRIBUTION I've been flamed recently by well intentioned, hot headed Firefans who chide me for not always appending non-original material with a source. Well, I try; but it's a daunting task. However, if someone sends me a proper attribution, I always see to it that my faithful web master, Tiny Dr. Tim credits the piece at the permanent Planet Proctor site; so keep up that de-constructive criticism. This column is just for fun, and if "Funny Times" reprints anything from it, they bend over backwards to give appropriate credits. Sometimes they even print things backwards to protect the innocent. Finally, for those of you anxious to see my beautiful wife, Melinda, as she may look in another half-century, go below. Do not pass go. Do not collect $200 dollars. (Shit! Who said that?)
http://www.planetproctor.com/2001/pp01-21.html http://www.firesigntheatre.com/proctor/
"Patriotism means to stand by the country. It does not mean to stand by the president or any other public official save exactly to the degree in which he himself stands by the country...It is unpatriotic not to oppose him to the exact extent that by inefficiency or otherwise he fails in his duty to stand by the country." - President Theodore Roosevelt, 1908
++++++++++++(NOVEMBER 26, 2001)++++++++++ * FIRESIGN: http://www.firesigntheatre.com * FIREZINE: http://www.firezine.net * FIRESIGN STUFF: http://www.lodestone-media.com * FUNNY TIMES: http://www.funnytimes.com PLANET PROCTOR (C) 2001 by Phil Proctor
(((((((((((((((((((((((( PLANET PROCTOR 2001.24 - http://www.planetproctor.com "To live creatively, to live honorably, to hurt no one as far as possible, to enjoy mortality, to fear neither death or immortality, to cherish fools and failures even more than wise men and saints since there are more of them; to believe, to hope, to work and to do these things with humor; to say yes, and not to say no." - Playwright William Saroyan
HE'S CAVING IN From: Bin Laden, Osama, To: Cavemates, Subject: The Cave Hi guys. We've all been putting in long hours but we've really come together as a group and I love that. Big thanks to Omar for putting up the poster that says "There is no I in team" as well as the one that says "Hang In There, Baby." That cat is hilarious. However, while we are fighting a jihad, we can't forget to take care of the cave. And frankly I have a few concerns. First of all, while it's good to be concerned about cruise missiles, we should be even more concerned about the scorpions in our cave. Hey, you don't want to be stung and neither do I, so we need to sweep the cave daily. I've posted a sign-up sheet near the main cave opening. Second, it's not often I make a video address but when I do, I'm trying to scare the most powerful country on earth, okay? That means that while we're taping, please do not ride your razor scooter in the background. Just while we're taping. Thanks. Third point, and this is a touchy one. As you know, by edict, we're not supposed to shave our beards. But I need everyone to just think hygiene, especially after mealtime. We're all in this together. Fourth: food. I bought a box of Cheez-Its recently, clearly wrote "Osama" on the front, and put it on the top shelf. Today, my Cheez-Its were gone. Consideration. That's all I'm saying. Finally, we've heard that there may be American soldiers in disguise trying to infiltrate our ranks. I want to set up patrols to look for them. First patrol will be Omar, Muhammed, Abdul, Akbar, and Richard. Love you lots. Osama (From Take A Break, attribution unknown) P.S. If it looks like I'm going to be captured, kill me. Hugs, ObL
"Military justice is to justice, what military music is to music."- From Sinbad, AKA G.G. but attributed to either Groucho Marx or Clemenceau
SLIPPAGE Planeteer Mike Muskin writes that he's noticed "four juicy Freudian slips" on recent TV-news broadcasts. First, it was announced that President Bush would lead a nationwide "resuscitation" of the pledge of allegiance. Then a cable-TV news anchor was called a network "nose-caster". Then the "war on terrorism" was instead called the "war on television". Finally another "nosecaster", during a discussion of the worldwide arsenal of bio-weapons and wondering whether there was also a corresponding arsenal of antidotes, mentioned the "Administration's arsenal of anecdotes." (Sorry, Mike; but what's funny about that?)
"Want to make a million bucks? Invent a gadget that makes paper coming out of a laser printer SMELL like it's coming off of a mimeograph machine." - Richard Fish, CEO of LodesTone, new home of Firesign Theatre Records
MAKE YOUR MOVE! In the latest issue of "Pinnacle", the source for L.A. real estate and beyond, you can make "an offer they can't refuse" on Frank and Barbara Sinatra's Heavenly Bills estate featuring "two maids", (Frank had it his way). There's also a manageable 10-acre plot called "The Ranch", which features "a kennel that serves as a state-of-the-art gym" (fine for the pit bulls, but where can we work out?), includes a pool just "a jaunt from the main house" and a 2,500-square-foot guest quarters (that's a lot of quarters per square), all for a paltry $13, 500, 000. (Do they take credit cards? Do they return them?) But if you REALLY want to get away from it all - I mean NO tall buildings - how's about your own little volcanic, mystical 250-acre island in Tahiti, "holding more wonder than the imagination of a child" (a spoiled child, I would imagine) and described as a "developer's dream"? "In the beginning of the 18th century", waxes the brochure, "there were approximately 150 inhabitants who enjoyed the few springs of the whole island. The population left and the springs," it concludes, "were buried by landslides. "Reduced to $3,000,000. " CALL NOW! Our operators are on the streets.
"Opportunity is missed by most people because it is dressed in overalls and looks like work." - Thomas Edison BOOLAH-BOOLAH! In this month's Yale Alumni Magazine I found a remarkable observation from Marina Belica, Class of '81. "I began to write an e-mail..." she wrote to her class secretary, "when all hell broke loose. Soho (where I live) is close enough for me to have witnessed the second tower collapse before my eyes, but not before I saw a man jump from a high floor in the most unforgettable embrace of life I have ever seen. "He spread his arms wide and did the most graceful swan dive, a mythic figure, like Icarus, surrendering to his fate, a final majestic, and heroic act, choosing to fly before he died. Apparently, many people jumped. I saw only this man and never, ever will forget it."
"Paramount Classics felt New Yorkers weren't emotionally equipped for something bright or frothy or vivacious [after the events of 9-11]. They needn't have been concerned." - L.A. Times film critic John Anderson on "Sidewalks of New York"
IT'S A BUST A grieving Australian widow, Sandi Canesco, 26, has had her late husband Dustin's ashes injected into her breast implants after he was killed in a car accident, the British tabloid the Daily Star reported under the headline "Dust to Bust". "It dawned on me that if I carried Dustin's cremated remains in my breast implants, I'd never really have to part with him at all," she was quoted as saying in an article forwarded to me by "Take A Break". Tit's a fitting mammorial.
"The Rev. Jerry Falwell says even Osama bin Laden's soul could be saved if he converted to Christianity; but he would still deserve to be killed." - A.P. release
IN THE NOOSE The L.A. Times has been a-bursting with surrealistic news during these doom's days. For instance, while the good people of Oregon are fighting Ayatollah Ashcroft for their right to die at home; across the nation in Montgomery county, Maryland, home owners and apartment dwellers are fighting their neighbors for their right to smoke at home...and maybe die. Seems they passed a measure stipulating that one's smoke "cannot cross property lines." In the meanwhile, back here in L.A., formerly disconnected souls adrift on the mean streets are celebrating the advent of cable-TV to skid row. Says Joe Shelby Walker, who's occupied a room in the Hotel Carlton for almost 40 years, "This is gonna keep me off the streets at night." He was watching gangster movies and a John Wayne film. Councilwoman Jan Perry helped to get 'em hooked up and thanked AT&T for supplying service to "a previously untested client base." Many of the approximately 3,000 residents are pensioners or vets and can afford minimum service...and mediocre entertainment. Then, there is an astonishing look into medical practices under the talons of the Taliban by staff writer Paul Watson, which reveals that surgeons in Kabul were not allowed to operate on female patients but had to stand in a doorway and relay procedures to a nurse wearing a head-to-toe burka, limiting her vision and her hygiene, like the Doctor's obligatory beard. Prior to the fall of the Theocracy, the Doctor interviewed had not been allowed to set eyes on the body of a suffering female or to deliver babies for 5 years. But immediately after November 13th, Dr. Hashem assisted many of 84 newborn Afghans into a "changed world." And we ain't talkin' 'bout diapers... And finally, in Spin Buldak, a flood of Western journalists entered the newly liberated town, to put their spin on things. "Look at them, here they are," said a resident as reported by the Times' Tyler Marshall and Alissa J. Rubin. "First they bomb us, then they come to visit."
"What happened here was the gradual habituation of the people, little by little, to being governed by surprise; to receiving decisions deliberated in secret." - Milton Mayer, "They Thought they Were Free; The Germans, 1933-1935" WHAT'S IN A WORD? The Washington Post's Style Invitational asked readers to alter a word by adding, subtracting, or changing a letter and supply a new definition. The winners: 1) Intaxication: Euphoria at getting a tax refund, which lasts until you realize it was your money to start with. 2) Reintarnation: Coming back to life as a hillbilly. 3) Foreploy: Any misrepresentation about yourself for the purpose of getting laid. 4) Giraffiti: Vandalism spray-painted very, very high. 5) Sarchasm: The gulf between the author of sarcastic wit and the person who doesn't get it. (Call me in case this confuses you) 6) Inoculatte: To take coffee intravenously when you are running late. 7) Hipatitis: Terminal coolness. 8) Osteopornosis: A degenerate disease. 9) Karmageddon: It's like, when everybody is sending off all these really bad vibes, right? And then, like, the Earth explodes and it's like, a serious bummer. 10) Glibido: All talk and no action. 11) Dopeler effect: The tendency of stupid ideas to seem smarter when they come at you rapidly. 12) Ignoranus: A person who's both stupid and an asshole.
"A transvestite is a guy who likes to eat, drink and be Mary!" - From Patty Paul
BALLS!!! Tim Tuffield and several others noted that golfer Arnie Palmer's wife said to Johnny Carson on the "Tonight Show that she "kissed Arnie's balls the morning before a tournament," to which Johnny rejoined, "That must really make his putter stand up." Could be. I actually remember hearing the same bit on an old "Bloopers" record in the 50s. Can anyone confirm the real origin of this event?
"Many people hear voices when no one is there. Some of them are called mad and are shut up in rooms where they stare at the walls all day. Others are called writers, and they do pretty much the same thing." - writer Margaret Chittenden
STOP BUGGIN' ME Scott Morrison tells us that in the May 26 issue of Science News there's an item about some really odd and outrageous scientific names for new species from prankish scientists: names such as Aegrotocatellus (sick puppy), for a type of trilobite; Eucritta Melanolimnetes, meaning "creature from the black lagoon" for a fossilized amphibian; Stupidogobius, a fish; Cuttysarkus Estes (a fossil lizard); Mozartella Beethoveni (a wasp); Petula Clarki (a tineid, whatever that is); Polemistus Chewbacca (a wasp); and finally, Avalanchurus Lennoni, A. Atarri, and Struszia McCartneyi (for beetles, natch); Agra Phobia and Agra Vation (more beetles) and Heerz Lukenatya and Verae Peculya, (for...beetles). Who says Americans are weak in science?!
"Arachibutyrophobia is the fear of peanut butter sticking to the roof of your mouth." - Phil's Phunny Phacts
OFF I GO... To Philadelphia, New York and Houston to appear live with other Firesigns during pledge breaks on our PBS Special "Weirdly Cool." Watch for bits and blurbs about it in TV Guide, Time magazine and other local and national publications. Send me copies! Also, catch me and Melinda in one of Jerry Fineman's cult films, "Brothers Divided" in Stephen Kessler's "The Independent" starring Jerry Stiller.
"The suspense results from guessing how many people will return to their seats after intermission and how many of those brave returnees will stay awake." - Review of "Murder Plot" by L.A. Times critic J.J.M.
AND SPEAKING OF THEATRE... The annual Antaeus Gala fundraiser will take place on Monday, December 17, with performances of A.A. (call me "Pooh") Milne's adaptation of "The Ugly Duckling" with music and lyrics by Jan Powell and Ken Stone and additional dialogue by John Achorn and yours truly. Melinda and I will also be performing. If you're interested in attending the 6:30 or 9:30 shows (with a casual warm supper and raffle between) LET ME KNOW and I'll send you details.
"I was afraid to even hum." - Afghan singer Mohammadvali, Robyn Dixo, L.A. Times
RETRIBUTION AND ATTRIBUTION I've been flamed recently by well intentioned, hot headed Firefans who chide me for not always appending non-original material with a source. Well, I try; but it's a daunting task. However, if someone sends me a proper attribution, I always see to it that my faithful web master, Tiny Dr. Tim credits the piece at the permanent Planet Proctor site; so keep up that de-constructive criticism. This column is just for fun, and if "Funny Times" reprints anything from it, they bend over backwards to give appropriate credits. Sometimes they even print things backwards to protect the innocent. Finally, for those of you anxious to see my beautiful wife, Melinda, as she may look in another half-century, go below. Do not pass go. Do not collect $200 dollars. (Shit! Who said that?)
http://www.planetproctor.com/2001/pp01-21.html http://www.firesigntheatre.com/proctor/
"Patriotism means to stand by the country. It does not mean to stand by the president or any other public official save exactly to the degree in which he himself stands by the country...It is unpatriotic not to oppose him to the exact extent that by inefficiency or otherwise he fails in his duty to stand by the country." - President Theodore Roosevelt, 1908
++++++++++++(NOVEMBER 26, 2001)++++++++++ * FIRESIGN: http://www.firesigntheatre.com * FIREZINE: http://www.firezine.net * FIRESIGN STUFF: http://www.lodestone-media.com * FUNNY TIMES: http://www.funnytimes.com PLANET PROCTOR (C) 2001 by Phil Proctor
Have a magic day, Magic Mike http://funandmagic.com/
Hi, Here's the latest Planet Proctor from Hollyweird. I'm adding new recipes to the Recipe for the holidays. The two pages are over 3 megs now. I suggest you check out an exciting dessert for the family dinner. I saw the Harry Potter movie last weekend. I thought it was terrific. I really enjoyed the books. Have a magic day! Magic Mike http://funandmagic.com/
((((((((((((((((((((PLANET PROCTOR 2001.23- http://www.planetproctor.com "One day can make your life; one day can ruin your life. All life is four or five big days that change everything." - "Riding in Cars with Boys" by Beverly Donofrio LET US GIVE THANKS That November is not only the month that brings us Thanksgiving and the return of my dear wife, Melinda, from her triumph at the Milwaukee Rep; no - it's also International Drum Month, Peanut Butter Lover's Month and Slaughter Month. It also contained Plan Your Epitaph Day, Waiting For The Barbarians Day, Gun Powder Day, Dunce Day and Chaos Never Dies Day. But despair not, for we have yet to celebrate National Indian Pudding Day on the 13th, Occult Day (18), Absurdity Day (20), Start Your Own Country Day (22), Make Your Own Head Day (28), Peter Bergman's birthday (29) and finally on November 30 -- Stay At Home Because You're Well Day.
"I see drunk people." - West Hollywood Tee-Shirt
HOWL! A Native American grandfather was talking to his grandson. The grandfather was explaining how he felt about a tragedy he had recently experienced. The grandfather said, "I feel as if I have two wolves fighting in my heart. One wolf is the vengeful, angry, violent one. The other wolf is the loving, compassionate one." The grandson asked him, "Which wolf will win the fight in your heart?" The grandfather answered, "The one I feed." (From Ira Meyer)
"Buy a box of matches and carry them with you; I see a girl I want to flirt with, which is a sin, I light one. Ohhh! Hell hurts worse than this."- Muhammad Ali to Liz Smith PROOF AT LAST: CATS ARE SNEAKY The London Times has revealed that at the height of the Cold War, the CIA spent five years and more than $14.5 million to create a surgically outfitted Frankencat to spy on the Russians. They ostensibly "slit the cat open, but batteries in him and wired him back up; the tail was used as an antenna." His name? -- "Acoustic Kitty" Fiendishly clever (if true); the cat would then be released near the Kremlin, curling up on a windowsill or park bench for a nice nap while transmitting privileged conversations by Russian officials. On the big day, the CIA transported "A.K." to a park and released him from the surveillance van to become America's first fuzzy spy, as highly trained technicians hovered over dials, ready to record top secret Soviet conversations. And the result? Well, the cat, immediately upon hopping out of the van, was run over and killed by a taxi before it could make it across the street. My web master Tiny Dr. Tim notes, "Let's not forget that Frank Zappa once proposed using 'aerosol pork grenades' on the battlefield as a method of winning a war against Islamic fundamentalists."
"At the first sign of trouble, they cower under their beds like gutless cowards." - Brit Air's Rod Eddington on Hollywood Celebrities
IT'S FUNDAMENTAL "Apparently America has won the war on terrorism," writes Greg Steinberg in a letter to the L.A. Times. "Why else would [Attorney General] Ashcroft take the time to prolong the suffering of terminally ill people. Oh, yeah, I forgot. Like Osama bin Laden, Ashcroft is a religious fundamentalist." At the root, fundamentalism is a struggle against modernity, against individualism, against moral self-determination and, yes, against freedom. Fundamentalists share a belief that religious tenets, whether drawn from the Koran or the Bible, provide the supreme law. Thus fundamentalism is wholly authoritarian. Fundamentalism is radicalism. Look up radical in the dictionary: "the foundation source of something; fundamental; basic." Or, as summed up by frequent contributor Garry Margolis who quotes an Arabic friend teaching history at a Christian college: "Fundamentalism is fundamentalism is fundamentalism." "Religion is an insult to human dignity. With or without it, you'd have good people doing good things and evil people doing evil things. But for good people to do evil things, it takes religion." - Dr. Steven Weinberg, Nobel laureate physicist
THIS IS NO SHIT KFI talk show host and fellow voice-over artist April Winchell tells us of a website in Brazil <Cocadaboa.com.br that claims it will send human excrement to the recipient of your choice for only $2.50 american. The site says: "Don't let your favorite politician, your teacher or that girl who despised you wait. Send them true shit. This is no joke". It adds, "The material is produced by true intestines and is stored for lab exams. It is the ideal gift for your worst enemy." The site also offers "e-shit" in which a picture of excrement is sent by e-mail. Kind of a "Scat Scan."
"If we launch a nuclear strike against China, all we do is solve their housing crisis." - Jeff "Skunkworks" Baxter SNATCHED 17-year-old Christian Silbereis wanted his Halloween costume to be "educational", so he arrived at his Ann Arbor, Michigan high school dressed as a giant vagina in a costume created by his mother. For some reason, school officials did not feel that the pink cape with wig hair, lace and satin trim was appropriate; and they suspended him for the rest of the week -- but he still copped the first prize. "It's anatomically correct," said Chris, "It's just another body part and they teach us about it in school. I mean, what if I was wearing an elbow costume? That's part of the body. Would they suspend me, then?"
"We're going to open envelopes without fear." - M.C. Billy West at the Annies Animation Awards GOOD SPORTS "This is Gregoriava from Bulgaria. I saw her snatch this morning and it was amazing." (Weightlifting commentator Pat Glenn) "This is really a lovely horse, I once rode her mother." (Horse racing's Ted Walsh) "The lead car is absolutely unique, except for the one behind it which is identical." (Murray Walker) "I owe a lot to my parents, especially my mother and father." (Greg Norman) "Sure there have been injuries and deaths in boxing, but none of them serious."(Alan Minter) "Ah, isn't that nice, the wife of the Cambridge president is kissing the cox of the Oxford crew." (BBC's Harry Carpenter) "He dribbles a lot and the opposition don't like it; you can see it all over their faces." (Ron Atkinson) "Julian Dicks is everywhere. It's like they've got eleven Dicks on the field." (David Coleman, Montreal Olympics) "One of the reasons Arnie is playing so well is that, before each tee-shot, his wife takes out his balls and kisses them...Oh my God, what have I just said?" (USTV Commentator on Arnold Palmer) "How would you call that kinda play, Diz?" asked Pee Wee Reese to Dizzy Dean when the camera showed a young couple making out in the cheap seats. "Well, ole buddy," Dizzy responded, "I guess I'd say he kisses her on the strikes and she kisses him on the balls." With that Pee Wee knocked over a beer and the screen went black. (From Ed Ryba)
"Bin Laden knew he would be a big deal after 9-11, so he signed with William Morris. That's why no one knows where he is or how to find him." - Jay Johnson, comedian and ventriloquist
GOOD SPORTS REDUX The sport of choice for the urban poor is BASKETBALL. The sport of choice for the maintenance level employees is BOWLING. The sport of choice for the front-line workers is FOOTBALL. The sport of choice for the supervisors is BASEBALL. The sport of choice for the middle management is TENNIS. The sport of choice for the corporate executives is GOLF. Conclusion: the higher you rise in the corporate world, the smaller your balls. (From Take A Break)
"Sometimes I think war is God's way of teaching us geography." - Paul Rodriguez SAY IT ISN'T SO You're not having a bad hair day; you're suffering from rebellious follicle syndrome. No one's tall anymore. They're vertically enhanced. You're not shy. You're conversationally selective. You don't talk a lot. You're just abundantly verbal. It's not called gossip anymore. It's the speedy transmission of near-factual information. Your bedroom isn't cluttered; it's just passage-restrictive. Kids don't get grounded anymore. They merely hit social speed bumps. You're not late; you just have a rescheduled arrival time. These days, a student isn't lazy. He's energetically declined. You're not sleeping in class; you're rationing consciousness. Your homework isn't missing; it's just having an out-of-notebook experience. No one fails a class anymore; he's merely passing-impaired. You don't have detention, you're just one of the exit-delayed. The food at the school cafeteria isn't awful. It's digestively challenging. Your locker isn't overflowing with junk; it's just closure-prohibitive. You don't have smelly gym socks; you have odor-retentive athletic footwear. And you weren't caught passing notes in class. You were participating in the discreet exchange of penned meditations. So, you're not being sent to the principal's office. You're "going on a mandatory field trip to the administrative building. (Take a Break, again)
"Every time we open our mouths, we are judged." - Cicero
WINCHELL WIPED The witty and outspoken talk show host, April Winchell, posted the following message to her station manager in a recent "Winchell Wiper" email: "KFI has temporarily given my Sunday show over to Fred Ebert. They want to continue the war coverage into the weekend. KFI offered me the option of doing 'wars 'n spores' on Sundays, but I can't think of anything I'd rather do less, except possibly give Drudge a pedicure. "I have mixed feelings about this whole deal. On the one hand, I hate the orgy of non-news being churned out by the media these days. I have to believe, that at least on the weekend (barring any breaking news), people just want a little down time. Judging by the overwhelming amount of email I've been getting to this effect, people appreciate a little mindless entertainment at the end of the week. And if anyone is mindless on KFI, it's me." Keep those April showers coming! KFI AM 640 Saturday eves, 7:00-10:00
"One does not become enlightened by imagining figures of light, but by making the darkness conscious." - Karl Jung
POLLY ROWLES REDUCED My pal Patti Deutsch writes: "I suppose letters to obituary editors are considered poor form or not published for national security reasons in these troubled times. However, in the words of Mother Theresa, or maybe Joey Bishop (I sometimes get them confused, I know one is dead), 'Who do you have to f**k to get a little respect around here?' It's a good thing Polly Rowles died before her obituary appeared in the N.Y. and L.A. Times, because if she were here to read it she'd be plenty pissed... "Polly Rowles was A Well Respected Working Broadway Actress, damnit! She played Calpurnia in Orson Welles' modern dress Julius Caesar, appeared with Sir Lawrence Olivier in the West End, and co-starred with Melvyn Douglas, Julie Harris and Eileen Atkins on Broadway -- but the lead line was: 'Polly Rowles, best known as Inspector 12 for Hanes underwear.' This would stand her hackles on end were she not otherwise engaged now... "Polly was the 'ultimate dame' with a side order of 'grande dame.' She cared passionately about friends, family, her neighborhood, animals and those without a voice and without a dollar. She also cared passionately about things that pissed her off and was prepared to do battle with injustices, bigotry and stupidity (to name a few). She knew McCarthy was bad news before Nixon needed a shave. She picketed before picketing was fashionable, never mind newsworthy... "She took a remarkable journey and I feel honored to have been invited along...Even near the end when she was just a whisp of her former self, when asked what to avoid in a box of chocolates, she replied, 'The nut clusters.' I'll try to do just that." Farewell as well to Melvin Burkhart, 94, the sideshow "Human Blockhead", famed for driving nails up his nose; and speaking of "heads", we also lost prankster Ken Kesey. What a flashback!!!
"Bush has just finished his big talk to Congress and the men in suits are telling us what the men in uniforms are going to do to the men in turbans if they won't turn over the men in hiding." - Kesey THE BOTTOM LINE The Firesign Theatre is presently performing improvisational, inspirational and newly scripted material, 2-hours a month LIVE, around a big round table at Warren Dewey Studios in Santa Monica for the high-flying XM Satellite Radio Network. We call it "FOOLS IN SPACE" and the material will be exerpted and re-purposed over their 24/7 Comedy Channel150. We are also video-taping each show, and are still advising XM re the content and direction of their all-comedy channel.Fellow funnyman, Harry Shearer will also be broadcast on XM; as well as the L.A. Theatre Works radio performances, on the "ON BROADWAY" Channel.You'll have to purchase an XM Radio and pay a small monthly fee to get in on the fun. And finally, our latest Rhino CD, "The Bride of Firesign" is up for a Grammy Nomination along with David Ossman's "Wonderful Wizard of Oz" in the Children's category. Please vote early and often!
"This is not a bitter chicken, but he is having trouble coping with the modern world." - Commercial casting specs for a fast-food campaign
++++++++++++(NOVEMBER 18, 2001)++++++++++ * FIRESIGN: http://www.firesigntheatre.com * FIREZINE: http://www.firezine.net * FIRESIGN STUFF: http://www.lodestone-media.com * FUNNY TIMES: http://www.funnytimes.com PLANET PROCTOR (C) 2001 by Phil Proctor
Hello,
Please send a prayer into the Field of Dreams for my friend Ken Kesey who has passed away. I enjoyed Ken even more than I enjoyed his works. For those that don't know his name, he wrote the novel "Sometimes a Great Notion" about the Stampers, loggers in Oregon, whose motto was "Never Give An Inch." The movie version starred Henry Fonda and Paul Newman. Ken also wrote "One Flew Over the Cuckoo's Nest". He was upset that the movie didn't follow the Point Of View of the schizoid Indian, Chief Bromden as he wrote it. Ken wrote the book while working at a mental hospital. Here is a Foxnews story about him. http://foxnews.com/story/0,2933,38495,00.html
I met Ken at a Jerry Garcia concert in Eugene in 1976, with his grandmother. He showed me a magic trick. He invited to his farm in for a "Bruhaha". William Burrows and Alan Ginsberg were also invited. After leaving my FM DJ job in Eugene in 1976, the year we met, I often returned to perform there and talk to Ken and others I knew, when I visited the Oregon Country Fair held in July. I'd usually run into him just after dusk at a campfire. Ken likes to work "out of the box." Ken is a unique person who makes his own mold, talks his own talk, walks his own walk. I wish him well on his journey and my heart goes with him. I'm sure he's making the good spirits laugh, and has the bad spirits in a good natured head-lock wrestling pin.
-Magic Mike
Hi, Here's some jokes. There is a new look, that I designed, at my site. I hope you like it. I have new links for the Harry Potter Store, and the Disney Store. I also added REI, Hickory Farms, Office Depot and 1800 Flowers. They are having sales this week. Today's wallpaper on my PhotoLink Page is amazing. A Sun Pillar is a column of light formed when ice crystals are in the air, falling, at sunset. The red column is seen above a serene Lake Tahoe and snow-capped mountains across from Lake Tahoe-Nevada State Park. New recipes have also been added. Stop by, http://funandmagic.com/ -Magic Mike
It was the first time the blonde was eating Thanksgiving dinner without her family. Trying to re-enact the tradition, she prepared a dinner for herself. The next day her mother called to see how everything went. "Oh, mother, I made myself a lovely dinner, but I had so much trouble trying to eat the turkey?" said the daughter.
"Did it not taste good?" her mother asked.
"I don't know," the blonde said. "It wouldn't sit still!"
-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-
"I don't know what makes you so stupid, but it sure works." -- Henny Youngman
=---=-=-=-=-=
I was going to bed the other night when my wife told me she could see from the bedroom window that I had left the light on in the shed. As I looked for myself, I saw that there were people in the shed taking things. I phoned the police, but they told me that no one was in our area to help at this time, but they would send someone over as soon as they were available.
I said "OK", hung up, and waited one minute, then phoned the police back.
"Hello. I just called you a minute ago because there were people in my shed. Well, you don't have to worry about them now cause I've shot them all."
Within five minutes there were half a dozen police cars in the area, an Armed Response unit, the works. Of course, they caught the burglars red-handed.
One of the officers said: "I thought you said that you'd shot them!"
I replied with, "I thought you said there was nobody available."
-=-=-=-=-=
"Millions of years ago, there was no such thing as the wheel. One day, some primitive guys were watching their wives drag a dead mastodon to the food-preparation area. It was exhausting work; the guys were getting tired just WATCHING. Then they noticed some large, smooth, rounded boulders, and they had an idea: They could sit on the boulders and watch! This was the first in a series of breakthroughs that ultimately led to television."
-----=-=-=-=
What's the definition of an impotent loser? A guy who can't even get his hopes up.
--=-==-=---=
"Winny would spend all of his time practicing limbo. He got pretty good. He could go under a rug."
-- Steven Wright
Have a magic day, Magic Mike http://funandmagic.com/
Hi, Here's some jokes. There is a new look, that I designed, at my site. I hope you like it. I have new links for the Harry Potter Store, and the Disney Store. I also added REI, Hickory Farms, Office Depot and 1800 Flowers. They are having sales this week. Today's wallpaper on my PhotoLink Page is amazing. A Sun Pillar is a column of light formed when ice crystals are in the air, falling, at sunset. The red column is seen above a serene Lake Tahoe and snow-capped mountains across from Lake Tahoe-Nevada State Park. New recipes have also been added. Stop by, http://funandmagic.com/ -Magic Mike
It was the first time the blonde was eating Thanksgiving dinner without her family. Trying to re-enact the tradition, she prepared a dinner for herself. The next day her mother called to see how everything went. "Oh, mother, I made myself a lovely dinner, but I had so much trouble trying to eat the turkey?" said the daughter.
"Did it not taste good?" her mother asked.
"I don't know," the blonde said. "It wouldn't sit still!"
-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-
"I don't know what makes you so stupid, but it sure works." -- Henny Youngman
=---=-=-=-=-=
I was going to bed the other night when my wife told me she could see from the bedroom window that I had left the light on in the shed. As I looked for myself, I saw that there were people in the shed taking things. I phoned the police, but they told me that no one was in our area to help at this time, but they would send someone over as soon as they were available.
I said "OK", hung up, and waited one minute, then phoned the police back.
"Hello. I just called you a minute ago because there were people in my shed. Well, you don't have to worry about them now cause I've shot them all."
Within five minutes there were half a dozen police cars in the area, an Armed Response unit, the works. Of course, they caught the burglars red-handed.
One of the officers said: "I thought you said that you'd shot them!"
I replied with, "I thought you said there was nobody available."
-=-=-=-=-=
"Millions of years ago, there was no such thing as the wheel. One day, some primitive guys were watching their wives drag a dead mastodon to the food-preparation area. It was exhausting work; the guys were getting tired just WATCHING. Then they noticed some large, smooth, rounded boulders, and they had an idea: They could sit on the boulders and watch! This was the first in a series of breakthroughs that ultimately led to television."
-----=-=-=-=
What's the definition of an impotent loser? A guy who can't even get his hopes up.
--=-==-=---=
"Winny would spend all of his time practicing limbo. He got pretty good. He could go under a rug."
-- Steven Wright
Have a magic day, Magic Mike http://funandmagic.com/
ok. NEVER SEND SPAM. IT IS BAD.
Hi, My site has a new look. Stop by http:funandmagic.com . Pages with changes are the front page, the photo page, and the ESP pages. The photo wallpaper for you is a stunning artist's concept from NASA of a rotating black hole. Place it on your desk while a black desktop background. Here is a horror story for you about planting a few flowers in the yard. Also, Phil sent two Planet Proctor's within days so I'll include them both. It has the airdates for the Firesign Theatre's one-hour special, "Weirdly Cool". -Magic Mike
My wife and I wanted to dress up our house with a few flowers in our front yard. Easy enough. We purchased three flats of flowers at $5 each. To make room, we decided to rip out an old evergreen bush about 2 feet tall.
Removing the stump was easy. But that's when the dominos started to fall. The void caused by the removal of the roots caused the front porch -- a cement structure built in the 1950s -- to collapse. The awning covering the front of the house was supported by the porch, so that fell as well. I was able to support it with 2 x 4's for a while, but the awning was damaged from the partial collapse and needed to be removed. However, while it was being removed, one of my makeshift 2 x 4 supports split and shot through our picture window. In addition, the awning damaged the siding on the front of the house beyond repair. To replace the siding (on the entire house), the gutters needed to be removed and replaced. While that was being done, the roof was damaged (I have no idea how) and required a complete tear-off and replacement. So, total cost from what was supposed to be $15 in flowers and a half-hour project amounted to:
Front porch: $1,700 Awning removal: $150 Siding: $3,800 Picture window: $2,500 Gutters and downspouts: $750 Roof: $4,000 Grand total: $12,900
Sad thing is that, by the time the repairs were done, the flowers had died... we never did plant anything there.
-=---=-=-=-=-=
((((((((((((((((((((PLANET PROCTOR 2001.21- http://www.planetproctor.com
"I think bin Laden should surrender himself to us. He should also say sorry for the things he has done. He made a pretty bad choice on Sept. 11" - Ryan, 10, L.A. Times "Kid's Page"
TO AMERICA FROM ROMANIA WITH LOVE Why are Americans so united? They don't resemble one another even if you paint them! They speak all the languages of the world and form an astonishing mixture of civilizations. Some of them are nearly extinct, others are incompatible with one another, and in matters of religious beliefs, not even God can count how many they are. Still, the American tragedy turned three hundred million people into a hand put on the heart. Nobody rushed to accuse the White House, the army or the secret services that they are a bunch of losers. Nobody rushed to empty their bank accounts. Nobody rushed on the streets nearby to gape. The Americans volunteered to donate blood and to give a helping hand. After the first moments of panic, they raised the flag on the smoking ruins, putting on T-shirts, caps and ties in the colors of the national flag. They placed flags on buildings and cars as if in every place and on every car an official or the President was passing. On every occasion they started singing their traditional song: "God Bless America!" What on earth can unite the Americans in such a way? Their land? Their galloping history? Their economic power? Money? I tried for hours to find an answer, humming songs and murmuring phrases which risk of sounding like commonplaces.I thought things over, but I reached only one conclusion. Only freedom can work such miracles! (Excerpts from the article by Ben Moses)
"Mud, flood or blood, the mail's got to go. Anthrax doesn't fit into the rhyme." - D.C. Postman David Myers
RETURN TO SENDER From: The White House To: Albert Gore Dear Al, We found some more votes. You won! When do you want to take over? Sincerely, George W. Bush
"God is always with the strongest battalions."- King Frederick the Great of Prussia (1712-1786)
WE GET LETTERS... Jack Angel sent me this CNN Item, which I missed when I was away in OUR Mideast... "At a hastily called press conference, Taliban Minister of Emigration, Mohammed Omar, warned the United States that if any further military action was taken against Afghanistan, Taliban authorities would not hesitate to cut off America's supply of convenience store managers and cab drivers." Then, Ernest Farino forwarded me this gem from Nancy Tokos, Title Design Governor at the Academy of Television Arts and Sciences: "I had been teaching my three-year old daughter, Caitlin, the Lord's Prayer. For several evenings at bedtime, she would repeat after me the lines from the prayer. Finally, she decided to go solo. I listened with pride as she carefully enunciated each word, right up to the end of the prayer: 'Lead us not into temptation,' she prayed, 'but deliver us some E-mail. Amen.'"
"If the left side of the brain controls the right side of the body, then only lefthanded people are in their right mind." - Lighter Side T-shirt (custservls@jsls.com)
PROCTOR GETS LAST LAUGH Writer/actor and Firehead Tom Groener passed on a supposedly true story from Cambridge University. It seems that during an examination a snarky student popped up and asked the proctor to bring him Cakes and Ale.
Proctor: I beg your pardon? Student: Sir, I request that you bring me Cakes and Ale. Proctor: Sorry, no. Student: Sir, I really must insist. I request and require that you bring me Cakes and Ale. At this point, the student produced a copy of the four hundred-year-old Laws of Cambridge, written in Latin and still nominally in effect, and pointed to the section which read: "Gentlemen sitting examinations may request and require Cakes and Ale." "Pepsi and hamburgers" were judged the modern equivalent, and the student sat there, writing his examination and happily slurping away. Three weeks later, the student was fined five pounds for not wearing a sword to the examination. "In 'Dracula, The Musical' directed by Des 'Moose & Squirrel' MacAnuff, the role of the Second Vampire is played by Jenny-Lynn Suckling." - Phil's Phunny Phacts
BUT WHO'S COUNTING? The date of the attack: 9/11 - 9 + 1 + 1 = 11; September 11th is the 254th day of the year: 2 + 5 +4= 11; After September 11th there are 111 days left to the end of the year; 119 is the area code to Iraq/Iran. 1 + 1 + 9 = 11 The plane that hit the towers was Flight 11 with 92 on board: 9 + 2 = 11; Flight 77 - 65 on board: 6 + 5 = 11. The State of New York was the 11th State added to the Union; New York City - 11 Letters; The Pentagon - 11 Letters; Afghanistan - 11 Letters; Ramzi Yousef, convicted for the '93 WTC bombing - 11 Letters. Oh my God! How worried should I be? There are 11 letters in the name "Phil Proctor"! I'm going into hiding NOW. See you in a few weeks. Wait a sec ... just realized "YOU CAN'T HIDE" also has 11 letters! Oh crap, there must be someplace on the planet Earth I could hide! But no ..."PLANET EARTH" has 11 letters, too! Maybe Nostradamus can help me. But dare I trust him? There are 11 letters in "NOSTRADAMUS."I know, the Red Cross can help. No, they can't...11 letters in "THE RED CROSS". I'd rely on self-defense, but "SELF- DEFENSE" has 11 letters in it, too! Can someone help? Anyone? If so, send me email. No, don't! "SEND ME EMAIL" has 11 letters ... Will this never end? I'm going insane! "GOING INSANE???" Eleven letters!! Nooooooooooo!!!!!! I guess I'll die alone, even though "I'LL DIE ALONE" has 11 letters. Oh my God, I just realized that America is doomed! Our Independence Day is July 4th ... 7/4... 7+4=11. From "Take A Break", attributed to Dave Pawson, 11 letters, who adds - PS: "IT'S BULLSHIT" has 11 letters, also...
"The good news is that there are many federal agencies working on all of these issues. The bad news is that there are many federal agencies working on all of these issues." - Tenn. Senator Fred Thompson in TIME
ME...OW!!!! The President has urged all of us to report "suspicious behavior" to local law enforcement authorities, and there is very little that a cat does that could not be classified as suspicious. They creep, they hide, they sneak. They run away when confronted, a known sign of guilty knowledge. For their safety and ours, we should train them to appear to be patriotic... I think it would be best to start with "The Stars and Stripes Forever." It is a non-controversial yet undeniably patriotic tune, easily recognizable. Before mealtime, instead of calling, "Soup's on!" or "Kibble time!" or "Come on Snowflake come on come on who's the best cat who's the best cat," just put on a stirring rendition of the venerable John Philip Sousa tune. If the cat does not come, withhold food. Try again an hour later. When the cat comes, feed said cat. Repeat this process for several days. (If the neighbors complain about the repetitive playing of this patriotic song, report them to local law enforcement authorities.) Eventually the cat will catch on. Cats care a whole lot about all rituals concerning food. If Sousa is part of the equation, they'll come a-runnin' when the band strikes up. And picture your cat sitting there as you hold his/her food bowl at your own eye level. The cat will be alert, erect, almost, well, at attention. Think of a whole phalanx of cats standing at attention while "The Stars and Stripes Forever" is being played. Talk about a morale boost! Cats for America! Three meows for freedom! (From an article by Jon Carroll in The SF Chronicle)
"I wonder if our economy will ever get back to normal.By normal, I mean the time when I'll be able to talk back to a maid." - Sylvia Lyons in The Lyons Den, February 3rd, 1953
TALIBAN TV GUIDE 06.00 G -Had TV. Morning prayers. 08.30 Talitubbies. Dipsy and Tinky-Winky repair a Stinger missile launcher and say "Ah-ah". 09.00 Shouts of Praise. More prayers. 11.00 Jihad's Army. The Kandahar-on-Sea battalion repulse another attack by evil, imperialist, Zionist backed infidels. 12.00 Ready, Steady, Jihad! Celebrities make lethal devices out of everyday objects. 12.30 Panoramadan. The program reports on America's attempts to take over the world. 13.30 Xena: Modestly dressed Housewife Xena stays at home and does some cooking. 15.30 I Love 629. A look back at the events of the year, including the Prophet's entry into Mecca, and the destruction of pagan idols. 16.00 Question Time. Members of the public face questions from political and religious leaders. 18.00 Holiday. The team goes on pilgrimage to Mecca. Again. 18.30 Top of the Prophets. Will the Koran be No.1 for the 63,728th week running? 19.00 Who wants to be a Mujahadin? Will contestants phone a mullah, go 'inshallah', or ask the Islamic council? 20.00 FILM: Shariah's Angels. The three burkha-clad sleuths go undercover to expose an evil scheme to educate women. 21.30 Big Brother. Who will be taken out of the house and executed this week? 22.30 Shahs in their Eyes. More hopefuls imitate famous destroyers of the infidel. 00.00 When Imams attack. Amusing footage shot secretly in mosques. The filmers were also secretly shot. 01.30 Bhuffi the Infidel Slayer. 02.00 A book at bedtime. The Koran. Again. (From Barbro Semmingsen, Oslo)
"Did you hear about the seismologist who always rated earthquakes much too high on the Richter scale? He was generous to a fault." - Chris Caracci
CATCHING UP I had a wonderful time in the Midwest with Richard Fish in bountiful Bloomington, my miraculous mom in Goshen and marvelous Melinda in Milwaukee. She is hysterical in the brilliantly mounted production of Lillian Groag's Pulitzer-prize nominated play, "The Magic Fire"; and the Milwaukee Rep is a Broadway-caliber company all around. Mellie's makeup as a 97-year-old Italian widow (created by fellow actor Lee Ernst) is masterful (and a little scary) and you can probably see it at my or a Firesign website soon. The Firesign premiered "Fools In Space", our LIVE 2-hour romp for XM Satellite Radio, last Saturday, with brilliant assistance from Bob Wayne and Warren Dewey at his studios in Santa Monica. Our PBS Special will be aired all over the country during the Holiday Season. I'll send out a special notification of stations and times, and we will be appearing in person in some venues! And I'll be appearing personally as a 60's Viennese psychiatrist in an episode of "Saving Grace" to be filmed next week. Stay well and safe...
"SEX: The only activity where you start at the top and work your way to the bottom, while getting a raise." - Magic Mike
++++++++++++(NOVEMBER 1, 2001)++++++++++ * FIRESIGN: http://www.firesigntheatre.com * FIREZINE: http://www.firezine.net * FUNNY TIMES: http://www.funnytimes.com * FIRESIGN STUFF: http://www.lodestone-media.com PLANET PROCTOR (C) 2001 by Phil Proctor
((((((((((((((((((((((((( PLANET PROCTOR 2001.22 - http://www.planetproctor.com "I'm in a unique position as [the Emmys'] host because, think about it, what would bug the Taliban more than seeing a gay woman in a suit surrounded by Jews?" - Ellen de Generis
THAT'S WHAT I LIKE ABOUT THE SOUTH Latest news advises that a cell of 5 terrorists has been operating in the deep South passing themselves off as Rednecks. The FBI stated that 4 of the 5 have been detained: bin Fishin, bin Huntin, bin Drinkin, and bin Fightin: but they state they can find no one fitting the description of the fifth cell member, bin Workin. Police are confident that anyone who looks like bin Workin will be very easy to spot in this southern community.
"A friend traveling to NYC heard an aggressive driver's behavior described as 'So 9-10'." - Rene Buchanan
SOCIAL CLIMBERS A group of girlfriends went on vacation and they see a five-story hotel with a sign that reads "For Women Only". Since they were without their boyfriends, they decide to go in. At the reception a very attractive guy explains to them how it works. "We have 5 floors...go up floor by floor, and once you find what you are looking for, you can stay there. It's easy to decide, since each floor has signs telling you what's inside. But once you go past a floor you cannot return." On the first floor, the sign reads: "All the men here are horrible lovers, but they are sensitive and kind." The friends laugh and without hesitation move on to the next floor. The sign on the second floor reads: "All the men here are wonderful lovers, but they generally treat women badly." This wasn't going to do, so the friends move up to the third floor where the sign read: "All the men here are great lovers and sensitive to the needs of women." This was good but there were still two more floors. On to the fourth floor, the sign was "All the men here have perfect builds; are sensitive and attentive to women; are perfect lovers; they are also single, rich and straight." The women seemed pleased but they decide that they would rather see what the fifth floor has to offer before they settle for the fourth. When they reach the fifth floor, the sign reads: "No men here. This floor was built only to prove it is impossible to please a woman."
"Foot Heads Arms Body" - Headline about leftwing MP Michael Foot leading a UK disarmament group from Graham Summers
A KNIGHT ON THE TOWN Top Changes in New York since Mayor Giuliani was knighted by Queen Elizabeth in recognition of his handling of the World Trade Center tragedy: * Two words: cab jousting! * Can't shake the feeling that he's being stalked by Elton John. * Subway turnstile jumpers: doused with molten lead * Mets now royally suck. * Gangs must now apply for and wear appropriate coats of arms. * Mafia takes care to add a "u" to "Labour Dispute." * He wasn't cheating on his wife, just exercising "droit de seigneur." * Rudy now expects more than just his girlfriend to kneel before him. * A tiara provides better coverage than a comb-over. * Tourists flock to Central Park to witness the ceremonial Changing of the Bums.
"There was nothing wrong with Southern California that a rise in the ocean level wouldn't cure." - PD Lew Archer by Ross (Ken Millar) McDonald
A SOLUTION FOR THE TALIBAN Take all American women who are within five years of menopause - train us for a few weeks, outfit us with automatic weapons, grenades, gas masks, moisturizer with SPF15, Prozac, hormones, chocolate, and canned tuna - drop us (parachuted, preferably) across the landscape of Afghanistan, and let us do what comes naturally. Think about it. Our anger quotient alone, even when doing standard stuff like grocery shopping and paying bills, is formidable enough to make even armed men in turbans tremble. We've had our children, we would gladly suffer or die to protect them and their future. We'd like to get away from our husbands, if they haven't left already. And for those of us who are single, the prospect of finding a good man with whom to share life is about as likely as being struck by lightning. We have nothing to lose. We've survived the water diet, the protein diet, the carbohydrate diet, and the grapefruit diet in gyms and saunas across America and never lost a pound. We can easily survive months in the hostile terrain of Afghanistan with no food at all! We've spent years tracking down our husbands or lovers in bars, hardware stores, or sporting events--finding bin Laden in some cave will be no problem. Uniting all the warring tribes of Afghanistan in a new government? Oh, please! We've planned the seating arrangements for in-laws and extended families at Thanksgiving dinners for years, and we understand tribal warfare. Between us, we've divorced enough husbands to know every trick there is for how they hide, launder, or cover up bank accounts and money sources. We know how to find that money and we know how to seize it--with or without the government's help! Let us go and fight. The Taliban hates women. Imagine their terror as we crawl like ants with hot flashes over their godforsaken terrain! I'm going to write my Congresswoman. You should, too! "If history repeats itself, I should think we can expect the same thing again" - Sportscaster Terry Venables
HOPE FROM THE HOPI (A message from The Elders of the Hopi nation, Oraibi, Arizona) You have been telling the people that this is the Eleventh Hour. Now you must go back and tell the people that this is the Hour. And there are things to be considered: Where are you living? What are you doing? What are your relationships? Where is your water? Know your garden. It is time to speak your Truth. Create your community. Be good to each other. And do not look outside yourself for the leader. This could be a good time! There is a river flowing now very fast. It is so great and swift that there are those who will be afraid. They will try to hold on to the shore. They will feel they are being torn apart, and they will suffer greatly. Know the river has its destination. The elders say we must let go of the shore, push off into the middle of the river, keep our eyes open, and our heads above the water; see who is in there with you and celebrate. At this time in history, we are to take nothing personally; least of all, ourselves. For the moment that we do, our spiritual growth and journey comes to a halt. The time of the lone wolf is over. Gather yourselves! Banish the word struggle from your attitude and your vocabulary. All that we do now must be done in a sacred manner and in celebration. We are the ones we've been waiting for.
"You must not lose faith in humanity. Humanity is an ocean; if a few drops of the ocean are dirty, the ocean does not become dirty" - Mahatma Ghandi
THE MYTH OF PROCTOR Ivan Berger writes about the tale of the "Cakes and Ale"from last orbit: "I can certify from personal experience that this story and/or several similar variations circulated freely around the true Cambridge some thirty or so years ago. Very probably it goes much further back... Proctors are University officials charged with ensuring that Gentlemen (and Ladies, these days) behave themselves responsibly in the town and are safely back in their Colleges late at night; they are not involved with the running of examinations (possibly because they have never been known for their intellectual accomplishments) so the official in the story would not have been a Proctor." Of course, several other killjoys referred me to the snopes.com Urban legends "cakesale" site. And to add insult to injury, Judge Proctor Hug retired from the Federal Court after 24 years on the bench. The coach never used him...
"Titanic, Mask of Zorro, Godzilla, Independence Day, BEAN, the Man in the Iron Mask, Jurassic Park, The Jackal, The Mummy and My Best Friend's Wedding" - Top 10 Grossing Films in the Middle East over the last 15 years." - Phil's Phunny Phacts
WE ARE ALL GUILTY! If you rented or purchased "Titanic", "Traffic" or "Lolita", you may have perpetrated a federal crime in possessing child pornography! So argued our Supreme Court justices in discussing the 1966 law making it a crime to sell or possess "any visual depiction" showing "simulated sex" with actors who can pass as minors. "What great works of Western art would be taken away from us if we were unable to show minors copulating?" posed Justice Antonin Scalia. "Romeo and Juliet," quipped Justice Stevens. "You've seen a different version of that than I have!" Scalia retorted.
"Many images are produced in public areas. Misuse or public display of images under these conditions carries the same limits of liability except that no value is given to these images." - Wolf Camera disclaimer
THE DOG SPEAKS From Ivan's Jokes: "If I have any beliefs about immortality, it is that certain dogs I have known will go to heaven, and very, very few persons."(James Thurber) "Women and cats will do as they please, and men and dogs should relax and get used to the idea." (Robert A. Heinlein) "In order to keep a true perspective of one's importance, everyone should have a dog that will worship him and a cat that will ignore him." (Derek Bruce) "When a man's best friend is his dog, that dog has a problem." (Edward Abbey) "Money will buy you a pretty good dog, but it won't buy the wag of his tail." - Anon
"The work requested for the dog vomit shot has gone above and beyond the amount quoted in the bill." - Movie Memo
IT'S "WEIRDLY COOL!" This is (up to now) the airdates for the Firesign Theatre's one-hour special, "Weirdly Cool" with *live appearances and pre-recorded Firesign pitches indicated for your viewing pleasure. Be there or be square!
Wed Nov 28: *Philadelphia, PA, WHYY 8pm/9:30pm (PB/PB/DO) Fri Nov 30: *New York, WLIW 10pm (PB/PP) Sat Dec 1: Boston, MA, WGBH 11pm (Pre-recorded Firesign pitch) Los Angeles, CA, KCET 11pm (Pre-recorded FST) Philadelphia, PA, WHYY 11pm & 12:30am Chicago, WTTW 10:45pm (Pre-recorded FST) Wash DC, WETA 10pm Dayton, OH, WPTD 10pm (live) Milwaukee, WI, WMVS 10:30pm. (Pre-recorded FST) Erie, PA, WQLN 10:30pm & 12:00am (Pre-recorded FST) Austin, TX, KLRU 11pm (Pre-recorded FST) Toledo, O H, WGTE 10 pm Gainesville, WUFT 10pm (Pre-recorded FST) Denver, CO, KRMA 10:20pm Sun Dec 2: *Atlanta, GA, WPBA 9pm (D0) St. Louis, MI, KETC 9:30pm CST (Pre-recorded FST) San Francisco, CA, KQED 1am (Pre-recorded FST) Miami, FL, WPBT (Pre-recorded FST) Rohnert Park, CA, KRCB Mon Dec 3: Minneapolis, MN, WTPT Mon 12/3 Grand Rapids, MI, WGVU 10 PM (Pre-recorded FST) Tues Dec 4: Nashville, TN, WDCN 10:30 PM (Pre-recorded FST) Tallahassee, FL, WFSU 10pm (Pre-recorded FST) Wed Dec 5: *Houston, TX, KUHT 7pm (PB/PP) San Bernardino/Riverside KVCR 11:00pm (pledge) Portland, OR, KOPB 11pm (Pre-recorded FST) Dallas, TX, KERA 10pm (Pre-recorded FST) Dayton, OH, WPTD 10pm (Pre-recorded FST) Thu Dec 6: Jacksonville, FL, WJCT 11pm (Pre-recorded FST) Joplin, MO, KOCJ 10:30pm (Pre-recorded FST) Fri Dec 7: Urbana, Ill, WILL 9:30 pm (Pre-recorded FST) Sat Dec 8: Orlando, FL, WMFE 11:30pm (Pre-recorded FST) Sacramento, CA, KVIE midnight (Pre-recorded FST) Phoenix, AZ, KAET 10 PM (Pre-recorded FST) Los Angeles, CA, KOCE 10pm (Pre-recorded FST) Salt Lake City, UT, KUED 10:00 p.m (Pre-recorded FST) Kansas City, MI, KCPT 11pm (Pre-recorded FST) Cincinnatti, OH, WCET 11:30 p.m (Pre-recorded FST) Pensacola, FL, WSRE 11pm (Pre-recorded FST) Sun Dec 9: Cleveland, OH, WVIZ 12:30am (Pre-recorded FST) San Bernardino/Riverside, CA, 9:30pm (live pitch) Idaho Public Television 11pm (not pledging) San Jose, CA, KTEH, Silicon Valley Public TV Tues Dec 11: Reno, NV, KNPB 9:30pm not firm (Pre-recorded FST) Akron, OH, WNEO 9:30 pm. (Pre-recorded FST) Fri Dec14: Buffalo, NY, WNED 9:00 pm (Pre-recorded FST) Seattle, WA, KCTS 11 pm (Pre-recorded FST) Sat Dec15: San Antonio, TX, KLRN 10 pm (Pre-recorded FST) Dallas, TX, KERA 10:30pm (Pre-recorded FST) Fri DEC 28: Las Vegas, NV, KLVX 9pm (not pledging) Denver, CO, KRMA - will air (Pre-recorded FST) Seattle, WA, KCTS- will air (Pre-recorded FST) Tampa, FL, WEDU - will air (Pre-recorded FST) Pittsburgh, PA, WQED will air (Pre-recorded FST)
"War is an ugly thing, but not the ugliest of things: A man who has nothing for which he is willing to fight - nothing he cares about more than his own personal safety - is a miserable creature who has no chance of being free, unless made and kept so by the exertions and blood of better men than himself." - John Stuart Mill
++++++++++++(NOVEMBER 5, 2001)++++++++++ * FIRESIGN: http://www.firesigntheatre.com * FIREZINE: http://www.firezine.net * FIRESIGN STUFF: http://www.lodestone-media.com * FUNNY TIMES: http://www.funnytimes.com PLANET PROCTOR (C) 2001 by Phil Proctor
ok. NEVER SEND SPAM. IT IS BAD.
Hi, How's the farm? on my way out the door. I'm off to be the wizard. i knew the night of the September 10th that there was going to be a catastrophe the next day. it came to me while i was taking a piss, leaning againt the bathroom wall. bathroom's are nice quiet places for an esp moment. it came in a flash to me that there was going to be a big problem the next day that was going to effect eveyone. i knew it was going to be terrorists, but i didn't know where and i knew we were going to be at war. the thought came to me about 11pm pacific time. it's a shame i can't usually get more details, and i never know if it is just a passing thought or something real. i thought you might like to see the mailer i just made for emailing my prospective clients here for magic shows. I never use snail mail now. I either email or fax them. i just finished reading the 4th harry potter book. i am looking forward to the movie next month, and in december lord of rings comes out in movie! write back and let me know what's new! -mike
Amazing Magic Mike the Magician Magic Mike performs magic and balloons for children, adults, and businesses. Magic Mike was voted by readers of Seattle's Child and Eastside Parent as one of the best entertainers for kids. Magic Mike's show is suited for all ages from 2 to 92 years old. He performs close-up illusions and/or balloon animals and hats for small house parties, birthdays, anniversaries, receptions, banquets, trade shows and grand openings. He makes a wide range of balloon animals and fun, crazy hats. At kid shows, he discusses the importance of reading, he learned magic that way at six years old. He portrays the history of magic tricks, showing tricks from caveman through today. He uses the audience in every trick, makes a balloon hat for the special person, and then he plays an balloon animal guessing game. He makes swords, flowers, hearts, and hats. Magic Mike has performed at numerous child care centers, elementary schools, and at children's birthday parties. He does small assemblies and family nights and carnival days. Also call him for to be at weddings and banquets of all types. He is a smash at sales meetings and at tradeshows, he'll make your business card magically appear in people's hands as he qualifies leads. The Importance of Reading I learned how to read when I was four years old by looking at the newspaper. I then learned the meaning of words, by looking up in the dictionary the words I didn't know. I taught myself magic when I was six years old from reading books at the library. I was able to learn complicated sleight of hand techniques in a week, capable of fooling all the adults in the neighborhood. I have learned that anything is possible if you have the right information. I like to include that message in my performances so that people get the idea that they can also benefit from reading. All the libraries have scheduled me and I have performed at most of the schools in the Seattle Puget Sound area of Washington state in the elementary, middle, high schools, and colleges. I have also performed for many child care centers. I also give employees of many companies a motivational talk called "How To Accomplish The Impossible." All of this centers around the use of one's mind. Magic Mike (right) showed The Lone Ranger (Clayton Moore) and a spectator a magic trick in Las Vegas at The National Cable TV Trade Show. Featured in TV news stories in cities throughout the West coast, Magic Mike also magically mesmerized Buckminster Fuller, Ken Kesey, Frank Herbert, Tom Robbins, The Firesign Theater The Grateful Dead, Little Feat, The Marshall Tucker Band, Charlie Daniels, Arlo Guthrie, Heart, Playmate of the Year Keri Kendall, Leon Redbone, Tom Waits, The Robert Cray Band, Chuck Mangione, Freddy Hubbard, The Outlaws, Dr. John, Captain Beefheart, Commander Cody, and the cast of Northern Exposure. He was hired to entertain the press at the world premiers of "The Four Seasons," performing backstage for Alan Alda, and at "The Stuntman", performing for Steve Railsback and Barbara Hershey. Magic Mike's Past Corporate Clients: Boeing Computer Services at the New York Computer Literacy Trade Show, which resulted in a feature story in The Exhibit Reporter; Commodore Computers at Las Vegas Consumer Electronics Show; Coke Foods for Houston sales promotion; Schleigal Corporation at Los Angeles National Computer Conference; The National Cable TV Association Show in Las Vegas and New Orleans which resulted in a feature in National Trade Show & Exhibit Manager; The National Satellite Show in Nashville, The Western Satellite Show in Reno, the Northeastern Pennsylvania Industrial Show, Pacific Northwest Hotel Hospitality Show, a national story in Compaq's Hardcopy Magazine from his demos at the Seattle Computer Showcase, where U.S. Congressman Rod Chandler was lured to his client's booth, and the New York Computer Showcase got a New York Post story and a quick video bite on "CBS 60 Minutes" with Andy Rooney.
To contact Magic Mike 1-206-632-7152 Seattle Pacific Time. PO Box 31223 Seattle, WA. 98133
See Magic Mike's 300 page web site of fun and neat stuff at http://funandmagic.com
$80-$150 for a standard show. Magic Mike prices on a sliding scale for those that have small budgets. No one is left out if they want magic, he tries to accomodate the budget.
$150-$250 for businesses. Discount for frequency. Banquet Speaker and Tradeshows call for quote.
Have a magic day and pass it on. Magic Mike
Can YOU tell the difference between male and female flies?
I stopped at a friend's house the other day and found him stalking around with a fly swatter. When I asked if he was getting any flies, he answered, "Yeah, three males and two females." Curious, I inquired as to how he could tell the difference. He answered, "Three were on a beer can and two were on the phone.
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Camping by the Colorado River, a woman was surprised to see a man rowing down the river screaming, "No! No! No!" Spotting another woman down the shore, she ran over.
"Say," she said quickly, "shouldn't we do something to help that man? He seems to be in distress."
The other woman looked up, her expression placid. "Oh, he's my husband, and he's just fine."
"If he's fine, then why is he rowing down the river screaming 'no'?"
The other woman smiled. "During the week he's a corporate 'yes' man."
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Did you hear about the nurse who died and went straight to hell? It took her two weeks to realize that she wasn't at work anymore!
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A truck driver was driving down the highway when he saw a priest at the side of the road.
He stopped to pick up the priest and give him a ride.
A ways down the road the truck driver saw Osama bin Laden (aka Looney bin Laden), walking on the side of the road.
He turned the truck on a direct course with the madman. Then he thought, "Oh no, I have a priest in the truck I can't run down this madman." And at the last second the truck driver swerved to miss Looney bin Laden.
But, the Truck Driver heard a thump outside of the truck, he looked in his rear-view mirror but didn't see anything.
He turned to the priest and said "Sorry Father, I just missed bin Laden at the side of the road."
And the priest said, "Don't worry son, I got him with my door."
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Doctor, doctor, my wooden leg is giving me a lot of pain. Why's that? My wife keeps hitting me over the head with it.
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The argument you just won with your spouse isn't over yet!
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Two blondes are waiting at a bus stop, when a bus pulls up and opens the door. One of the blondes leans inside and asks the driver, "Will this bus take me to 5th Avenue?" The bus driver shakes his head and says, "No, I'm Sorry." At this the other blonde leans inside, smiles and twitters, "Will it take ME?"
Learn how to perform for fun or profit. http://funandmagic.com/lessons.html/ Make $10-$20/hour at home 3.9 cents/min. phone 24x7 No fees or contracts http://ld.net/?phon4less/
Hi, You'll like the Onion story on God's take on the killing. -mike
(((((((((((((((((((((((( PLANET PROCTOR 2001.20- http://www.planetproctor.com
"CHANGED PRIORITIES AHEAD" - Road sign in the U.K.
OFF I GO... Yes, I'm flying out on AA 1238 today, Sunday October 14th; off to visit Richard Fish at LodesTone in Bloomington, Indiana to promote Firesign Theatre product, then a drive to Goshen for a visit with my Mom and my aunt Bonnie; then to Milwaukee for Melinda's opening night on the 19th of "The Magic Fire"; and back the 23rd. AA 1238? Sound familiar? It's the flight that was plagued by two loonies for two days in a row. But what I'm really worried about is the crazies stated intention to target Chi-town's Sears Tower. Melinda assures me that my plane won't contain enough fuel to take it down. Like she knows. Well, I'm going, and I hope the Planet is still spinning after my safe return. Anyway, the planet will still spin.
"Life gives more than death can take away." - from a eulogy by Richard Green for Larry Lantz JUST JOKING... The year is 2021 and a man and his son are walking through New York. They come up on a bare space among the office buildings and the man sighs, saying "Son, twenty years ago the Twin Towers stood right there." The boy says, "What were the Twin Towers, Daddy?" "Well, son, they were two of the tallest buildings in the world. They were filled with thousands of offices and thousands of people worked there. Then one day, some Arabs flew two planes into them and brought them to the ground, destroying them." They stood in silence a while longer before the boy looked up at his father and asked -- "What's an Arab?" (Forwarded by Gary Gordon)
"My Other Car Has Liver Spots" and "Hang Up And Drive" - Bumper stickers
KIDS ON LOVE, NOT DRUGS "When someone loves you, the way they say your name is different. You know that your name is safe in their mouth." Billy - age 4 "Love is when a girl puts on perfume and a boy puts on shaving cologne and they go out and smell each other." Karl, 5 "Love is when you kiss all the time. Then when you get tired of kissing, you still want to be together and you talk more. My mommy and Daddy are like that. They look gross when they kiss." Emily, 8 "Love is when mommy sees daddy on the toilet and she doesn't think it's gross." Mark, 6 "Love is when mommy gives daddy the best piece of chicken.' Elaine, 5 "Love is when your puppy licks your face even after you left him alone all day." Mary Ann, 4 "I know my older sister loves me because she gives me all her old clothes and has to go out and buy new ones." Lauren, 4 "I let my big sister pick on me because my Mom says she only picks on me because she loves me. So I pick on my baby sister because I love her." Bethany, 5 "You really shouldn't say 'I love you' unless you mean it. But if you mean it, you should say it a lot. People forget." Jessica - 8 "When you love somebody, your eyelashes go up and down and little stars come out of you.' Karen, 7 "If you want to learn to love better, you should start with a friend who you hate." Nikka, 6
"A secret order of rubber nuns conduct forbidden experiments in golden wetness with captured male victims." - Video catalogue blurb
A JOB TO DIE FOR! Attention, all terminal &/or manic-depressive Americans of all religions, credos, races, & color who have recently suffered overwhelming, &/or unbearable emotional distress! All heartbroken teens, Older recently divorced women and men, Terminal cancer patients, old people, and all other Americans contemplating suicide!! MAKE BIG BUCKS IN YOUR SPARE TIME! GET RICH ON YOUR WAY TO THAT WORLD WITHOUT END!! BECOME A SUICIDE BOMBER!! CONTACT: iwannadie.org. All you have to do is sign this release: "I'm not a terrorrist - I'm just really really depressed." (No bureaucrats, politicians, or religious fanatics need apply.)
"Inspiration? I get paid for this, guys." - Writer Tom Clancy (rumored to own a tank)
EFFIGY BIZ SOARS!!! Pinatas bearing the likeness of Osama bin Laden have caused a stir in Texas The owners of "JJ's Party House" got ten bin Laden from a Mexican supplierand they said they planned to donate profits to NY firefighters. They've sold pinatas of notorious figures before like Monica Lewinsky and Saddam Hussein. Gee, what's inside -- anthrax? Then, the NY metal band Anthrax's lead singer, Scott Ian said in the L.A. Times that it's like being "a bandleader named Freddie Hitler during WW2. "Before the tragedy of 9.11," he adds, "the only scary thing about our band was our bad hair." They will NOT change their name to "Basket Full of Puppies." Even the Iranians can have riots for more than an anti-American demonstrations. Tens of thousands of youngsters went wild over their soccer team's 2-1 victory over Iraq. In Teheran, a girl who lost her headscarf and was assaulted by a mob of policemen said, "I hope that America drops bombs on your head..." And of course a CBS sitcom, according to Calendar, is considering a pilot for a series "to heighten the stakes," about a middle-aged couple "who are brought together after losing spouses in the World trade center bombing." Don't miss it if you can. Then, Bush the sequel affirmed in a speech at the Labor Department that, "There is no doubt in my mind, not one doubt in my mind, that we will fail." No one reacted, and he went on to say, "Failure is not part of our vocabulary." Rush Limbaugh has lost the hearing in his LEFT EAR, but only 80 percent in his right. (I wish him well, but he can't hear me.) And finally, many Brits when asked to portray their religious affiliation in a recent census, listed "Jedi Knight."
"There was a very good view when they bombed the airport." - Afghani Tajik, L.A. Times
GOD IS PISSED Excerpts from the Onion (laugh until you cry): Responding to recent events on Earth, God, the omniscient creator-deity worshipped by billions of followers of various faiths for more than 6,000 years, angrily clarified His longtime stance against humans killing each other Monday. "Look, I don't know, maybe I haven't made myself completely clear, so for the record, here it is again," said the Lord, His divine face betraying visible emotion during a press conference near the site of the fallen Twin Towers. "Somehow, people keep coming up with the idea that I want them to kill their neighbor. Well, I don't. And to be honest, I'm really getting sick and tired of it. Get it straight. Not only do I not want anybody to kill anyone, but I specifically commanded you not to, in really simple terms that anybody ought to be able to understand. "I don't care how holy somebody claims to be," God said. "If a person tells you it's My will that they kill someone, they're wrong. Got it? I don't care what religion you are, or who you think your enemy is, here it is one more time: No killing, in My name or anyone else's, ever again."God continued, "It's not God's will, all right? News flash: 'God's will' equals 'don't murder people.'" Worse yet, many of the worst violators claim that their actions are justified by passages in the Bible, Torah and Qur'an. "To be honest, there's some contradictory stuff in there, okay?" God said. "So I can see how it could be pretty misleading. I admit it. My bad. Frankly, much of the material that got in there is dogmatic, doctrinal bullshit. I turn My head for a second and,suddenly, all this stuff about homosexuality gets into Leviticus, and everybody thinks it's God's will to kill gays. "Read the book: 'Allah is kind Allah is beautiful, Allah is merciful.' It goes on and on that way, page after page. But, no, some assholes have to come along and revive this stupid holy-war crap just to further their own hateful agenda. So now, everybody thinks Muslims are all murderous barbarians. Thanks, Taliban: 1,000 years of pan-Islamic cultural progress down the drain." "The Muslims massacre the Hindus, the Hindus massacre the Muslims. The Buddhists, everybody massacres the Buddhists. The Jews, don't even get me started on the hard-line, right-wing, Meir Kahane-loving Israeli nationalists, man. And the Christians? You people believe in a Messiah who says, 'Turn the other cheek,' but you've been killing everybody you can get your hands on since the Crusades... I'm talking to all of you, here!" continued God, His voice rising to a shout. "Do you hear Me?" "I don't want you to kill anybody. I'm against it, across the board. How many times do I have to say it? Don't kill each other anymore -- ever!" Then, witnesses reported, God's shoulders began to shake, and He wept.
"Stephen King was inspired to become a writer by the Dr. Doolittle books." - BOMC Newsletter
BEHIND THE EARS Bert (not Bart) Simpson wrote in a recent Radio Drama Digest newsletter, "I've produced dinosaur footsteps in the past by scattering a thin layer of gravel and sand onto a drum, thumping it with a pair of old boots and slowing down the result. Sounded OK." To which a subscriber responded, "I think I read someplace that the folks who made Jurassic Park used potato chips." Bert answered, "Ah, but my version was made for the BBC. Gravel is free, potato chips cost money." And by the way, (with an emphasis on the "buy"), "Don't Crush That Dwarf" is being released in the U.K.right now by Acadia, the British reissue division of Evangeline. Contact: http://www.evangeline.co.uk/forthcoming.html AND! The upcoming Firesign Theatre PBS special "Weirdly Cool" has been picked up by 19 of the top 20 public bradcast stations! (If you live in Detroit, call them and get it on!)
"The booze bone's connected to the butt bone." - Bruce Peterson on drinking and smoking.
CAN PIGS FLY? An Israeli friend recently informed me that the UK fought the Islamic terrorist attacks by burying the criminals with a pig. Apparently their belief is that if ones' body is buried with a pig (because they are considered unclean) their soul will go to hell. I did a little research into this subject matter and found it to be true, and this got me thinking. If we put a baby pig on every airline flight then all suicide terrorists would abort their missions as they would not want their souls to go to hell. Turn the pigs loose. The war would be over in a weekend. (Source LOST!!!)
"Afghan warriors...often place their weapons before them when they pray." - L.A. Times photo caption
NOT TO HELL Dagmar, nee Virginia Ruth Egnor, who helped create the modern image of the "blonde bombshell" from the '40s on, died at 79. She appeared with the likes of Milton Berle, Olsen and Johnson, Bert Lahr and then, Jerry Lester on the precursor to the Tonight Show called "Broadway Open House" where she was presented as a band singer who couln't sing but spoke "treatises" like, "A mushroom is a place where you make love. Singular means you're musically inclined, and isolate? That means you admit you're tardy." And on to the angels goes Doug Millings, 88, who designed over 500 outfits for the Beatles. "I'd been experimenting with round collars," she says in the L.A. Times obit, "[but] I've never claimed to have entirely 'invented" it. She admits, however, that she could never really measure the Fab Four, "because they were never able to stand still."
"I'm here to give you permission to laugh; and if you don't, I'll have you arrested." - Mayor Guliani at Seinfeld's Carnegie Hall Fundraiser
++++++++++++(OCTOBER 13, 2001)++++++++++ * FIRESIGN: http://www.firesigntheatre.com * FIREZINE: http://www.firezine.net * FIRESIGN STUFF: http://www.lodestone-media.com * FUNNY TIMES: http://www.funnytimes.com PLANET PROCTOR (C) 2001 by Phil Proctor
Hi, I have some interesting things for you and some jokes. I hope you didn't bet against my Seattle Mariners today. WOW! I left to perform magic and they were down 0-2. When I was done my show they had won 14-3. Talk about magic! Here is the site for the new movie with Kevin Spacey about a guy who says he is from http://www.k-pax.com/ . I find this a useful bookmark on my links bar http://tvguide.com This is a dead serious site by a Sirius guy with a sense of satire and an itchy quill. Jack is on this list, Hi Jack, and he wrote the WellWorld books which are among my favorites (all 15? of them Jack?) and he is about to give birth again the his 63-65th book called Chameleon. Great looking site, have fun http://jackchalker.com At the bottom is a story Dave forwarded to me from the right-wing about why we weren't warned when when had the information right under our nose.
CONFIDENTIAL MEMO From: The White House To: Albert Gore Dear Al: We found some more votes. You won. When do you want to take over? Sincerely, George W. Bush
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What I want in a woman, Original list (age 22)
a. Sexy b. Red head c. Owns her own liquor store d. Loves sex e. Looks fantastic f. Easy to take off clothes g. Thinks I am a great lover h. Wants to try new positions.
What I want in a woman, Revised list (age 32)
a. Looks good b. is able to open a car door c. has good table manners d. laughs at my jokes e. knows stores carry other things then frozen dinners f. knows how to cook g. doesn't nag about birthdays and anniversaries h. like sex
What I want in a woman, Revised list (age 42)
a. Wears less the a half pound of make-up b. knows how to drive without scaring me c. is able to grasp most conversations d. is able to tell a joke e. is less then 50 pound overweight f. relinquish control of the remote occasionally g. able to check the toilet seat h. Washes her bathrobe now and then
What I want in a woman, Revised list (age 52)
a. Wears more make-up b. Tries not to belch in public c. Has a job d. Learns new jokes e. Is able to get off the couch to find the kitchen f. Remembers a stoves main use g. Shaves armpits and trims moustache occasionally
What I want in woman, Revised list (age 62)
a. Doesn't scare your friends b. Remembers where the bathroom is, in time c. Make-up budget is less then national debt d. Can't be heard snoring from spare bedroom e. Is less then 100 pounds overweight f. Wears clothes that cover her belly g. Likes soft foods h. Remembers where she left her teeth i. Doesn't wake me up early on weekends
What I want in woman, Revised list (age 72)
a. breathing in normal rhythm b. Gets to the toilet in time c. Doesn't nag too much
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SEX: The only activity where you start at the top and work your way to the bottom, while getting a raise.
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MOODS OF A WOMAN
An angel of truth and a dream of fiction, a woman is a bundle of contradiction,
she's afraid of a wasp, will scream at a mouse, but will tackle her boyfriend alone in the house.
She'll take him for better, she'll take him for worse she'll break open his head and then be his nurse
but when he's well and can get out of bed she'll pick up the tea-pot and aim for his head.
Beautiful and keenly sighted, yet blind; crafty and cruel, yet simple and kind
she'll call him a king, then make him a clown, raise him on a pedestal, then knock him flat down.
She'll inspire him to deeds that ennoble man, or make him her lackey to carry her fan.
She'll run away from him and never come back but if he runs away, then she'll be on his track.
Sour as vinegar, sweet as a rose, she'll kiss you one minute, then turn up her nose,
she'll wind you in rage, enchant you in silk, she'll be stronger than brandy, milder than milk.
At times she'll be vengeful, merry and sad, she'll hate you like poison, and love you like mad.
MOODS OF A MAN Horny.
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Do you realize that in about 40 years, we'll have thousands of old ladies running around with tattoos?
Sean got home in the early hours of the morning after a night at the local pub. He made such a racket hitting into the furniture as he weaved his way through the house, that he woke up the Mrs.
"What on earth are you doing down there?" she yelled down from the bedroom. "Get yourself up here to bed and don't waken the neighbors."
"I'm trying to get a barrel of beer up the stairs" he shouted.
"Leave it 'till the morning" she shouted back.
"I can't" he said "I've drank it!"
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Father: "I'm worried about your being at the bottom of the class." Son: "Don't worry, Dad, they teach the same stuff at both ends."
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To Err Is Human, To Forgive Divine. To err is human, to purr feline. To err is human, two curs canine. To err is human, to do nothing, benign. To err is human, to quit, resign. To err is human, to howl about it, lupine. To err is human, to solve it, design. To err is human, to admit it, asinine. To err is human, to moo bovine.
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Two fellows are running a store and decide to have a big blow-out clearance sale. Within 3 hours, everything is sold from the store. The one fellow says to the other, "Well, what now? We've sold everything." The other replies, "Don't worry, there's this retard who comes in here everyday. We'll have a few laughs on him." Sure enough, about 15 minutes later, the retard comes walking in, hands in pockets, looking around. "Tell me guys," asks the retard, "what have you guys got for sale today?" One of the fellows says, "Well we're having a sale on assholes!" The retard says, "Well ya must be doing pretty good, ya only got two left!"
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© 2001 WorldNetDaily.com
During the Watergate investigation into Nixon administration corruption, a familiar question to witnesses was: "What did the president know and when did he know it?"
A good variation on that question more than a month after the Sept. 11 terrorist attack is: "What did the government know and when did it know it?"
There's a growing body of evidence that those entrusted and paid by the people to know about threats indeed had some warning, but failed to pass it on to the public.
For instance, according to a report in the London Telegraph, Israeli intelligence agents traveled to Washington in August to warn the FBI and Central Intelligence Agency that large-scale terrorist attacks on highly visible targets on the American mainland were imminent. The Israelis warned that as many as 200 terrorists linked to Osama bin Laden and Iraq were preparing a big operation.
Now that may not seem like enough information to have prevented the attacks. But that's not all the information that was available to our intelligence agencies - not by a long shot.
The FBI and other federal law enforcement agencies also knew that two of the hijackers were in the country, according to the Los Angeles Times. They were on a terrorist watch list. But the airlines were not notified.
In addition, the FBI and CIA were well aware of bin Laden's plans to hijack U.S. airliners. The plot was uncovered six years earlier in the Philippines when police found detailed information on a laptop computer belonging to a bin Laden operative, Ramsi Youssef. The plan called for hijacking U.S. airliners and crashing them into U.S. buildings including the World Trade Center and Pentagon.
In case the FBI and CIA had just forgotten about Project Bojinka, which I sincerely doubt, they should have received a reminder with the 1999 publication of Yossef Bodansky's book, "Bin Laden: The Man Who Declared War on America," in which he spells it out. The original plan called for the hijacking of 11 airliners at once.
In other words, had the FBI and CIA simply added two plus two, the threat of hijackings would have been obvious.
But there was even more.
The FBI had several terrorists under surveillance, according to the Oct. 1 issue of Newsweek. They intercepted communications just prior to Sept. 11 that suggested something very big was about to happen.
Still, there were more clues.
Zacarias Moussaoui was arrested after flight trainers tipped off the feds that he wanted to learn how to fly a 747 but wasn't interested in takeoffs or landings. Zacarias was traveling on a French passport. When contacted, the French government reported that he was a suspected terrorist.
There were even more reasons to be on high alert - and specifically to be thinking about the threat of dramatic hijackings.
The question then is: Were they ignored? And, if so, why?
But there is evidence that the threat wasn't ignored - at least not entirely.
A day after the attack, the San Francisco Chronicle reported that Mayor Willie Brown was called eight hours before the hijackings and warned by his security staff not to travel.
On Sept. 27, the London Times reported that Salman Rushdie got a similar warning about avoiding U.S. and Canadian airliners. That warning, said Rushdie, came from no less authority than the Federal Aviation Administration.
Now, you're probably wondering why Willie Brown and Salman Rushdie are more important to the U.S. government than you and me and Barbara Olson. I'm wondering the same thing.
These selective warnings - and I have no doubt there were many more we have not yet heard about - suggest strongly that the FBI, CIA and other federal agencies had the information, knew something big was up, something that involved terrorist attacks on airliners, but failed to disclose the information to the airlines and the flying public in general.
I think heads should roll at the FBI and CIA. I think there ought to be an investigation into what the FAA knew and when it knew it. I think, once again, the federal government has neglected its main responsibility under the Constitution - protecting the American people from attack.
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Don't miss Joseph Farah's exclusive report "Jihad in America" in the November issue of Whistleblower magazine, WorldNetDaily's monthly offline publication. Order your subscription now.
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Joseph Farah is editor and chief executive officer of WorldNetDaily.com and writes a daily column.
Hi, I have two Planet Proctors for you. Check out The Firesign Theater's newest fun stuff. Phil describes it in his two Orbits which are below. I am really behind in sending.
My Dad sends this joke from his upline humor sources.
Osama Bin Laden phoned President Bush and said, "Mr. President, I called you because I had this incredible dream last night. I could see all of America, and it was beautiful, and on top of every building, there was a beautiful banner."
Bush asked angrily, "And what was on the banner?"
Osama responded, "It said Allah is God, and God is Allah."
Bush said, "You know, Binny, I'm really glad you called, because last night I had a dream too. I could see all of Kabul, and it was even more beautiful than before the Russian occupation. It had been completely rebuilt, and on every building there was also a beautiful banner."
Bin Laden said, "What was on the banner?"
Bush replied, "I really don't know. I don't read Hebrew."
Fascinating things to happened in science this week TRILLION-ATOM TRIUMPH Physicists take first step towards practical teleportation. http://www.nature.com/nsu/010927/010927-11.html
All creatures great and small The living world is governed by laws based on fractal geometry and on the sizes of organisms, some scientists claim. John Whitfield looks at the debate surrounding a biological 'theory of everything'. 27 September 2001 http://www.nature.com/nsu/010927/010927-12.html
VOLE STORY Viral gene therapy makes males more faithful and friendly. http://www.nature.com/nsu/010927/010927-4.html
ANTIBODIES DOWN THE TUBES Immune-defence molecules coat carbon nanotubes. http://www.nature.com/nsu/011004/011004-2.html Regarding the artificial sweetner. I have gotten mixed response from the info about artificial sweetener. I myself found that when it first came out, I developed an uncontrollable twitch in my eyelid. I stopped within the week using it and the twitch stopped. I haven't used it since. I try to drink water instead, and don't put sugar or sweetener in anything. Below are letters I got in return. I respect Jack's opinion a lot. He is a well-known writer, has diabetes, and uses the sweetener.
Jack says - She's as notorious in the quack medicine community as bin Laden is to terrorism, has a lot of money, and has been waging a fanatic's campaign against aspertame for a long time. The internet has increased her visibility and spread her pernicious lies without being able to fully challenge things. The diabetes newsgroups are full of vitriol on her and the propaganda she spreads. Aiding this spread is to some people what flying the Afghani flag is to others these days. Her quackery and fanatical persistence has actually harmed people. Oh, by the way, the one true thing she makes is that one in 10,000,000 (not 10,000 as she claims, though) do have a severe allergic reaction to aspertame. This is well known and the percentage of people with problems is actually lower than for almost any disease prevention shots and antibiotics given today. jlc
Annie says- dear mike....just a quick note to let you know that even if you think this person who sent you this article is a little off...having worked in a health food store for almost ten years,and dealing with people who have these illnesses..i think you may want to reconsider your stand on this..aspartame is a killer..desert storm is a prime example. the bottler sent pallets and pallets of soda to the troops there..the stuff sat in the sun and got heated up..how many of these men are now suffering from unusual illnesses and afflictions to their nervous system? i think she is right on..and further investigation will prove her right.my son used to drink diet pepsi ;seven to eight bottle a day! he got fat! when he heard that diet pepsi would do this he stopped cold turkey.now he is buff and trim. all my prodding about how bad artificila sweeteners are you you didn't phase him til he saw the article about fat! at least he listened to peers and outside sources! he is well and fine..still a teenager ;but fine! haha anyway..rethink this or do more research;don't just toss this info away.. thanks... see you around the go room.... annie
Dave says- Not bogus I articles that go through the chemistry of it . Aspartame is a Neurotoxin
(((((((((((((((((((( PLANET PROCTOR 2001.18 - http://www.planetproctor.com
"We are living in a science fiction world created by Disney." - Bob Dylan
WHERE WAS US, ANYWAY? Well, let's see...my PowerMac finally puttered out in the slow lane of the Old Information Highway smack dab in the middle of intense writing and staging for the Firesign Theatre's PBS-TV "Weirdly Cool" Special. I continued the work on a new iBook and am now up and running on the iMac. I deserve a break today. I have also taken the opportunity to upgrade my internet service from MACSIM 2000 B.C.E. to CS 2005.1 Anno Dumb as Us; and although mail is forwarded automatically, my new e-ddress is officially pproctor2@cs.com. (Yes, there is ANOTHER pproctor somewhere in the back hip pockets of America offline.) And a few observations: since the advent of the cybermind, I've noticed that if nobody hears from you in a couple of months, it seems to go un-noticed. No frantic electronic missives like - "Holy Grid! Are you all right?" Is this because everything is so automated? I know I try to respond to all personal email and especially that which demands it, but I constantly tell my working partners and close friend(s) to call me and leave a voice-mail if something requires my immediate attention. I don't know about you, [YOUR NAME HERE], but I can't always make it to the computer, let alone email, every day! Anyway, I'm back. So here we go again...
"Every great advance in natural knowledge has involved the absolute rejection of authority." - Thomas Huxley
SOFT, WHAT WINDOWS BREAKS? Th' expense of software in a waste of time is bugged in action; Makes users savage, bloody, murderous, extreme, rude, cruel; Used, software is perjur'd, not to trust, full of blame, Enjoy'd no sooner, but despised straight; Past reason purchased or pirated; and no sooner licensed, Past reason hated, as a swallow'd bait, On purpose developed to make the user mad: Mad in pursuit, and in possession so; Had, having, and in quest to have, extreme; A bliss in proof, -- and prov'd, a very woe; Before, a solution propos'd; behind, a corrupted data stream: All this the world well knows; yet none knows well To shun the software that leads users to this hell. - William Shakespeare (1564-1616), revised by Garry Margolis' friend, 2001
THIS IS THE END The president of a management consulting company was given a ticket for a performance of Schubert's Unfinished Symphony. Since he was unable to go, he gave the ticket to one of his consultant. The next morning he asked him how he had enjoyed it. Instead of a few observations about the symphony in general, he was handed a formal memorandum which read as follows: 1. For a considerable period, the oboe players had nothing to do. Their number should be reduced, and their work spread over the whole orchestra, avoiding peaks of inactivity. 2. All 12 violins were playing identical notes. This seems an unneeded duplication, and the staff of this section should be cut. If a volume of sound is really required, this could be accomplished with the use of an amplifier. 3. Much effort was involved in playing the 16th notes. This appears to be an excessive refinement, and it is recommended that all notes be rounded up to the nearest 8th note. If this were done it would be possible to use para-professionals instead of experienced musicians. 4. No useful purpose is served by repeating with horns the passage that has already been handled by the strings. If all such redundant passages were eliminated then the concert could be reduced from two hours to twenty minutes. 5. The symphony had two movements. If Mr. Schubert didn't achieve his musical goals by the end of the first movement, then he should have stopped there. The second movement is unnecessary and should be cut. In light of the above, one can only conclude that had Mr. Schubert given attention to these matters, he probably would have had time to finish the symphony. (From Don Sylvester, I think)
"There's a new retail establishment in Marina del Ray which provides rowing equipment to prostitutes. It's called The Little Shoppe of Whore Oars." - Yuri "The Beast" Rasovsky
THE DOCTOR IS SIN Garry Margolis tells us that Dr. Stu Hansell had slept with one of his patients and had felt guilty all day long. No matter how much he tried to forget about it, he couldn't. The guilt and sense of betrayal was overwhelming; but every once in a while he'd hear that soothing voice within himself trying to reassure him: "Stu, don't worry about it. You aren't the first doctor to sleep with one of your patients and you won't be the last. And you're single. Let it go..." But invariably the other voice would bring him back to reality: "Stu, you're a veterinarian..."
"Reality is for people who lack imagination" -L.A. bumpersticker THE DOG DAYS OF SUMMER "Take a Break" reports a (purportedly) true story from Birmingham, England. No time to check it out, but who cares? It's funny. Some co-workers threw a surprise birthday for a popular legal secretary by letting themselves into her flat with a spare key; but when the birthday girl showed up, she unexpectedly bypassed the main room and headed straight into the kitchen. After puttering around for a while, she then sauntered casually into the living room whilst calling for her dog. Well, talk about a "Surprise"... While in the kitchen she had stripped down to her birthday suit and smeared peanut butter on her naughties. (I trust it was "Skippy.")
"Poets do it doggerel style." - Phil's Funny Facts
WHAT DROVE JESUS Most people assume "WWJD" stands for "What would Jesus do?" But the initials really stand for "What would Jesus drive?" One theory holds that Jesus tooled around in an old Plymouth because the Bible says, "God drove Adam and Eve out of the Garden of Eden in a Fury." But in Psalm 83, the Almighty clearly owns a Pontiac and a Geo. The passage urges the Lord to "pursue your enemies with your Tempest and terrify them with your Storm." Some scholars insist that Jesus drove a Honda but didn't like to talk about it. As proof, they cite a verse in St. John's gospel where Christ tells the crowd, "For I did not speak of my own Accord." And following the Master's lead, his disciples might have carpooled in a Honda, since "The Apostles were in one Accord." Joshua apparently drove a Triumph sports car, but with a faulty muffler, as "Joshua's Triumph was heard throughout the land." Meanwhile, Moses rode an old British motorcycle, as evidenced by a Bible passage declaring that "the roar of Moses' Triumph is heard in the hills." And perhaps God favors Dodge pickup trucks because Moses' followers are warned not to go up a mountain -- "until the Ram's horn sounds a long blast." (In the trauma of my recent transplant, I lost the source of this blasphemous piece. Please identify yourself for the website or forever roast in Hell!)
"Earth spawned us for one purpose: to create plastic." - George Carlin
MISSED AND ALIAS Where to start? Thanks to George Carlin for taping an intro to one of the upcoming segments in our PBS Special. His latest book,"Napalm and Silly Putty" is silly brilliance as always. Thanks to the cast of Jerry Mayer's middle-aged musical "You Haven't Changed A Bit and Other Lies"-- and especially to my buddies Peter Jason, Reni Santoni and David Spielberg. Fancifully directed by Caroline McWilliams, who graced the stage in "Muzeeka" with the two Phils in the 60s, it's running indefinitely at the Whitefire on Ventura, (310) 459-1548. (It's a pity that the same can't be said for the actors.) Indeed, we must now bid a fond farewell to "The Fantasticks" after a 40-year run and over 17,500 performances at Greenwich Village's Sullivan Street Theater. Try to remember... And yes, the new FST CD "The Bride of Firesign" is finally out on Rhino Records and topping the charts on Amazon.com and because of the nature of the unexpectedly controversial opening segment, we have finally earned a PG-13 rating! Thanks again, George...
"Dick jokes are one of my favorite things to write. Anything surrounding the penis is funny to me." - "Legally Blind" writer Karen Lutz, quoted in "Written By"
FORWARD, INTO THE PAST!!! Florida to Be Re-admitted to Union Year 2000 Chad Sells For $6.9 Million at Sotheby's Great Benevolent Galactic Ruler Reveals That Anal Probes Were "Just for Fun" Wealthy Widow Anna Nicole Smith, 83, Weds Handsome Young Actor Pope Phil II Settles Custody Battle With Ex-Wife Upcoming NFL Draft Likely to Focus On Mutants Younger Generation's Music Provokes Outrage of Elders Zoo to Receive Rare Cow As Plague of Spotted Owls Threaten Crops, Livestock Nursing Home Lawsuit: Clinton Denies Candy Striper's Allegations AOLTimeWarner-GEDisneyCiscoFord-RJRNabiscoExxonMobil Cleared of Monopoly Charges 50-Year Study Proves Diet and Exercise Key to Weight Loss Baby Conceived Naturally Texas Executes Last Remaining Citizen It Wasn't The Cigarettes - It Was The Ashtrays (Future Headlines forwarded by Pat Willson)
"Bush Vows To Rid National Parks of Toxic Petroleum" - Real Fake Headline
HAIL TO THE THIEF! The Funny Times, which features excerpts from this rant rag and keeps me writing it out of a sense of misdirected duty, is offering packets of "Global Warming Bush" seeds as a companion to their earlier issue of "Texas Homegrown Dope". Described as "Seeds of Environmental Destruction" and "The Burning Bush", you are instructed to "Clear-cut all available public lands and wilderness areas...water with...arsenic and a steady stream of donations from Big Oil [and] fertilize with Supreme Court Brand manure." Visit the website below to order yours now!
"If you give a person a fish, they'll fish for one day. But if you train a person to fish, they'll fish for a lifetime." - VP Dan Quayle
TALK ABOUT A SPLINTER PARTY Larry Belling relates a story about a lady from California who purchased some timberland in Oregon where a large tree dominated one of the highest points in the tract. Wanting to get a good view of her land, she clambered up the tree; but as she neared the top, she was suddenly attacked by a spotted owl and in her haste to escape , she slid down too rapidly, planting many splinters in her private parts. In considerable pain, she hurried to the nearest doctor who listened to her story and then promptly left her waiting for three hours before he reappeared. "What took you so long?" the angry lady demanded, "Well," the unperturbed doctor replied, "I had to get permits from the EPA, the Forest Service and the Bureau of Land Management before I could remove old-growth timber from a recreational area."
"Sonny goes skiing. God, looking down upon him, says "I got you, babe." - Sonny We Hardly Knew You Haiku by April Winchell
TOO LONG A LIST In the time it took me to get back to the Planet, too many wonderful friends and cohorts have left it. Let's start with the great-hearted Kathleen Freeman, who succumbed at 78 at the height of her well-deserved Tony-nominated Broadway success in "The Full Monty", and for whom a memorial will take place on Sunday the 30th. If you don't know the details of her long and illustrious career, I guess you never watched TV or went to the movies. Looking back at her first stage role at UCLA where she was to become a concert pianist, Kathleen said, "A terrible thing happened. I got in a play and got a laugh." Summing up her achievements, she laterobserved in a NY Times interview, "I'm a living example of the fact that you don't have to be in every inch of a film or a play to be important to it." Her example will live forever in the hearts of those who knew her and had the grand privilege of working with her. And the same can be said for Larry Lanz, who though unknown to most of you, was a dear friend and a continually inspirational force "behind the glass" to many of us in the recording industry during his all too short life. Starting at Alan Barzman's Newjack Studios under the guidance of Fred Jones, he became Proctor and Bergman's Production Assistant for our 70's record "Give Us A Break" and eventually President and co-owner of Buzzy's Recording with Andrew, Maria and Mrs. Danvers, their much-adored studio Scottie. Since we lost Larry to complications caused by a lifelong battle with Diabetes, his widow, Diane, asks that contributions be made in his memory to the American Diabetes Association, Att'n Maria Vasquez, 6300 Wilshire Blvd. (Suite 100), LA CA 90048. And finally, God-bye to ex-patriate harmonica virtuoso Larry Adler and Cajun Storyteller "JOOS-tain" Wilson; "I ga-ron-tee", we'll miss them both.
++++++++++++(SEPTEMBER 7, 2001)++++++++++ * FIRESIGN: http://www.firesigntheatre.com * FIREZINE: http://www.firezine.net * FIRESIGN STUFF: http://www.lodestone-media.com * FUNNY TIMES: http://www.funnytimes.com PLANET PROCTOR (C) 2001 by Phil Proctor
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((((((((((((((((((((PLANET PROCTOR 2001.19 - http://www.planetproctor.com
"Can we be funny?" - SNL's Lorne Michaels. "Why start now?"- Mayor Rudi Giuliani
WHERE TO START? My daughter, Kristin, called me from uptown Manhattan early on 9.11 to announce that a second plane had just plowed into the World Trade Towers. I watched the rest unfold as I assume did many of you. It was unreal, sickening and terrifying. It still is. Kristin is OK and has three passports. My wife, Melinda, is also safe and sound and on her feet dancing the tango in Milwaukee, Wisconsin, preparing for the opening night of "The Magic Fire" written and directed by Lillian Garrett-Groag at the Milwaukee Rep. I'll be there as well after a visit to Richard Fish at LodesTone in Bloomington, Indiana (the new home of Firesign Theatre Records), and a drive to see my mom in Goshen. I will be away from 10/14 -10/23 and would appreciate a moratorium on email! The Firesign Theatre's PBS Special, "Weirdly Cool", is being edited by our pals at K2 Pictures on West 26th and is looking good. There are a few chilling moments as seen through our new perspective, but nothing to keep us off the air; and we have been asked to appear LIVE on the East coast during pledge breaks starting at our sponsor station WHYY in Philadelphia, late November. Requestthe show fat your local PBS outlet and maybe we'll show up there as well! "The Bride of Firesign" Rhino CD is also out there, but beware! It contains some spine-chillingly prophetic references like this exchange between Night Whispers' host Harold Hiphugger and Alvin "the impact man" Bradshaw: HAL: Chief, I see you're totally tattooed in body-piercing camouflage. BRADSHAW: Yeah, and I'm wearing my angry hat. HAL: Is that a whale pizzle in the band? BRADSHAW: Full metal! HAL: Does this mean -- war? Earlier, our all-night DJ, Bebop Lobo, says, inspired by the Egyptian God, Isis: "The black velvet night waits like the mystic crocodile to rip us into a thousand pieces on the slippery slopes of denial." The 666-story Funfun Needle is later shattered with a blast of lightning invoked by a madman, followed by a Pearl Harbor joke at "The Gravediggers Roadshow." Listen yourself, if you dare... but we're NOT INSANE! And we're not involved, either; just sensitive to the dangers of the 21st century which this "loss of innocence, learning-to-be-a-man" album seems to be all about...
"This is an unacceptable reality"- Eyewitness to the attacks on Discovery
BOMB 'EM BACK TO THE STONED AGE! Then, subscriber Paul Thielen writes that "a pundit on KGO radio in San Francisco quoted Chopra Deepak, the feel-good guru, as suggesting that we should "bomb Afganistan with literature" (in an effort to educate them on current events). Shades of the 'Enola McCluan'! For the uninitiated, that's an event from "Le Trente-huit Cunegonde" on our first album, "Waiting for the Electrician or Someone like Him" -- a special performance of which will be on the PBS bonus tape.
"Some real things have happened lately." - Joan Didion, "The Last Thing He Wanted."
TERRORIST SEX Those of us who remember getting laid during the Cuban Missle Crisis will have no problem understanding that a whole "lotta lovin's goin' on" these days, often between total strangers. It's a natural urge when a body thinks it could be the last chance to get one off before The Big One hits. But according to a recent press release, high unemployment has the same effect, so even if we survive, there's more hooking up ahead, at least according to Swaziland ruler King Mswati III. Since hard times in his country led to an HIV/AIDS epidemic, His Highness reinstated the "Umchwasho", a maiden's chastity rule also called "Flower of the Nation". Thus, Swaziland has officially banned single women from sexual activity for five years. Maidens cannot shake hands or wear pants, and virgins must wear black and blue "do-not-touch-me" tassels. Those over 19 or in a relationship wear different tassels, and men acting against the ruling will be fined a cow. Well, at least it's better than being "beaten black-and-blue" for similar crimes in Afghanistan.
"The greatest tragedy in mankind's entire history may be the hijacking of morality by religion. However valuable - even necessary - that may have been in enforcing good behavior on primitive peoples, their association is now counterproductive. Yet at the very moment when they should be decoupled, sanctimonious nitwits are calling for a return to morals based on superstition." - Sir Arthur C. Clarke, Skeptical Inquirer
WHAT'S IN A NAME? The Taliban means "an organization of students", but they are described as "barbarians" by an ethnic Tajik named Shuraj (which means "courageous") who escaped the Afghani capitol, Kabul, after losing his job as a policeman. "It's a system of men with guns." Osama Bin Laden says furthermore, "We do not differentiate between those dressed in military uniforms and civilians; they are all targets..." They claim they are waging a "jihad" or holy war against the decadent and demoralizing incursions of the Western world, but in Islam "jihad" is the interior battle all humans wage against their own resistance to God. But however misguided, as op-ed writer John Balzar states, "These holy warriors are the children of an American policy that once before, as now, split the world into friend or foe." And after we helped create the Soviet pull-out in 1989, we pulled out, too. Now we're experiencing the blow-back.
"The death you are seeking is sure to find you" - Muslem saying
IN THE NAME OF GOD!!! At a time when certain lobbyists are declaring the Bush administration to be (of all things) "Pro Gay Rights," that anti-Christian bigot, Jerry Falwell, is up to his old tricks again: "I really believe," he said to his crony Pat Robertson, "that the pagans, and the abortionists, and the feminists, and the gays and the lesbians who are actively trying to make that an alternative lifestyle, the ACLU, People For the American Way, all of them who have tried to secularize America -- I point the finger in their face and say 'you helped this happen'." To which Pat responded, "We have a court that has essentially stuck its finger in God's eye. We have insulted God at the highest level of government." You've both insulted America.
"This is how men behave when they believe they have absolute knowledge." - Jacob Bronowski at the Auschwitz crematorium, "The Ascent of Man"
SALUTE MY SHORTS! A professional comedian was going through a medical examination to volunteer for military service, and after being stripped bare, fingered all over, including parts of the body better left untouched, he finally came to a desk at which some sergeant was taking down information about the potential inductees. "Occupation?" barked the sergeant. "Comedian," replied the comedian. "Oh, yeah?" sneered the sergeant, "Say something funny." The comedian turned around, looked at his fellows beings stripped of all their dignity and waiting their turn to be further humiliated, and said, "O.K., fellas, you can all go home. I got the job." (Ivan's Jokes)
"When I despair, I remember that all through history the way of truth and love has always won. There have been tyrants and murderers and for a time they seem invincible; but in the end, they always fall. Think of it. Always." - Mahatma Gandhi
SIX-PACK SPEAKS As we hear the calls for tightened American security and a fierce military response to terrorism, it is obvious that none of us has any answers; however, we feel compelled to ask some questions. Everything has a cause, so we have to ask, what was the root cause of this evil? We must find out not superficially but at the deepest level. There is no doubt that such evil is alive all around the world and is even celebrated. Does this evil grow from the suffering and anguish felt by people we don't know and therefore ignore? Have they lived in this condition for a long time? One assumes that whoever did this attack feels implacable hatred for America. Why were we selected to be the focus of suffering around the world? All this hatred and anguish seems to have religion at its basis. Isn't something terribly wrong when jihads and wars develop in the name of God? Isn't God invoked with hatred in Ireland, Sri Lanka, India, Pakistan, Israel, Palestine, and even among the intolerant sects of America? Can any military response make the slightest difference in the underlying cause? Is there not a deep wound at the heart of humanity? If there is a deep wound, doesn't it affect everyone? When generations of suffering respond with bombs, suicidal attacks, and biological warfare, who first developed these weapons? Who sells them? Who gave birth to the satanic technologies now being turned against us? If all of us are wounded, will revenge work? Will an eye for an eye, a tooth for a tooth, and a limb for a limb, leave us all blind, toothless and crippled? Tribal warfare has been going on for two thousand years and has now gotten magnified globally. Can tribal warfare be brought to an end? Is patriotism and nationalism even relevant anymore, or is this another form of tribalism? Everyone is calling this an attack on America, but is it not a rift in our collective soul? Isn't this an attack on civilization from without that is also from within? I only hope that these questions are confronted with the deepest spiritual intent. None of us will feel safe again behind the shield of military might and stockpiled arsenals. There can be no safety until the root cause is faced. In this moment of shock I don't think any one of us has the answers. It is imperative that we pray and offer solace and help to each other. But if you and I are having a single thought of violence or hatred against anyone in the world at this moment, we are contributing to the wounding of the world. Love, Deepak Chopra
"I don't want to die in Bloomingdale's" - Salesgirl Zhanna Nalbadyan,in an L.A. quake
IRELAND VS ALSO IRAN Saddam Hussein was sitting in his office wondering who to terrorize next when his telephone rang. "Hallo! Mr. Hussein," a heavily accented voice said. "This is Paddy down in County Cavan, Ireland. I am ringing to inform you that we are officially declaring war on you!" "Well, Paddy," Saddam replied, "This is indeed important news! Tell me, how big is your army?" "At this moment in time," said Paddy after a moment's calculation, "there is myself, my cousin Sean, my next door neighbor Gerry, and the entire dominoes team from the pub -- that makes eight." Saddam sighed. "I must tell you Paddy, that I have one million men in my army waiting to move on my command." "Begorra!", said Paddy, "I'll have to ring you back!" Sure enough, the next day Paddy rang back. "Right Mr. Hussein, the war is still on! We have managed to acquire some equipment!" "And what equipment would that be, Paddy?" Saddam asked. "Well, we have two combine harvesters, a bulldozer and Murphy's tractor from the farm." Once more Saddam sighed. "I must tell you, Paddy, that I have sixteen thousand tanks, fourteen thousand armored personnel carriers, and my army has increased to one and a half million since we last spoke." "Really?!" said Paddy. "I'll have to be ringin' you back!" The next day Paddy rang again. "Right, Mr. Hussein, the war is still on! We have managed to get ourselves airborne! We've modified Ted's ultra-light with a couple of rifles in the cockpit and the bridge team has joined us as well!" Saddam was silent for a minute, then sighed and said, "I must tell you, Paddy, that I have ten thousand bombers, twenty thousand MiG-19 attack planes, my military complex is surrounded by laser-guided surface-to-air missile sites, and since we last spoke, my army has increased to two million." "Faith and begorra!", said Paddy, "I'll have to ring you back." Sure enough, the next day. Paddy said, "Mr. Hussein? I'm sorry to tell you that we have had to call off the war." "I'm sorry to hear that," said Saddam. "Why the sudden change of heart?" "Well," said Paddy "We've all had a chat, and there's no way we can feed two million prisoners."
"The desire to bang is gone - at least temporarily." - NY movie producer Scott Rudin WHAT DID YOU CALL ME? My partner Peter Bergman -- soon to be delivering a daily one-minute NPR satirical commentary on "All Things Considered" -- noted that after dropping the name "Operation Infinite Justice" because it might offend the enemy, and before adopting the somewhat ambiguous call-to-arms "Enduring Freedom" we actually had for a while, "A nameless operation against a faceless enemy." Know how to make a terrorist laugh? Bomb on stage...
"If you don't stand for something, you'll fall for anything." - Dr. David Walker
THE SHOW MUST GO ON... Have I been affected? Collaterally, one might say. Stricter security on the studio lots. The threat of bomb scares. The loss of work due to the postponement or shelving of films and CD-roms and interactive on-line games. It's nothing. "Rugrats" started its tenth season this week.
Melinda is working, my friends and family are safe and Kristin is appearing as "Cindy", the snob with a nose job, in the upcoming Penny Marshall film "Riding in Cars with Boys", as "Lisa" in "Boy's Life" directed by David McDermott at the Flatiron Playhouse November 6th - 11th, and in April, she'll be performing in "Measure for Measure" by the Acting Shakespeare Company at 45 Bleeker. We go on. And the planet still spins.
"Life is the only reality." - the late, great Kathleen Freeman
++++++++++++(OCTOBER 1, 2001)++++++++++ * FIRESIGN: http://www.firesigntheatre.com * FIRESIGN STUFF: http://www.lodestone-media.com * FUNNY TIMES: http://www.funnytimes.com PLANET PROCTOR (C) 2001 by Phil Proctor
Hi, I have two Planet Proctors for you. Check out The Firesign Theater's newest fun stuff. Phil describes it in his two Orbits which are below. I am really behind in sending.
My Dad sends this joke from his upline humor sources.
Osama Bin Laden phoned President Bush and said, "Mr. President, I called you because I had this incredible dream last night. I could see all of America, and it was beautiful, and on top of every building, there was a beautiful banner."
Bush asked angrily, "And what was on the banner?"
Osama responded, "It said Allah is God, and God is Allah."
Bush said, "You know, Binny, I'm really glad you called, because last night I had a dream too. I could see all of Kabul, and it was even more beautiful than before the Russian occupation. It had been completely rebuilt, and on every building there was also a beautiful banner."
Bin Laden said, "What was on the banner?"
Bush replied, "I really don't know. I don't read Hebrew."
Fascinating things to happened in science this week TRILLION-ATOM TRIUMPH Physicists take first step towards practical teleportation. http://www.nature.com/nsu/010927/010927-11.html
All creatures great and small The living world is governed by laws based on fractal geometry and on the sizes of organisms, some scientists claim. John Whitfield looks at the debate surrounding a biological 'theory of everything'. 27 September 2001 http://www.nature.com/nsu/010927/010927-12.html
VOLE STORY Viral gene therapy makes males more faithful and friendly. http://www.nature.com/nsu/010927/010927-4.html
ANTIBODIES DOWN THE TUBES Immune-defence molecules coat carbon nanotubes. http://www.nature.com/nsu/011004/011004-2.html Regarding the artificial sweetner. I have gotten mixed response from the info about artificial sweetener. I myself found that when it first came out, I developed an uncontrollable twitch in my eyelid. I stopped within the week using it and the twitch stopped. I haven't used it since. I try to drink water instead, and don't put sugar or sweetener in anything. Below are letters I got in return. I respect Jack's opinion a lot. He is a well-known writer, has diabetes, and uses the sweetener.
Jack says - She's as notorious in the quack medicine community as bin Laden is to terrorism, has a lot of money, and has been waging a fanatic's campaign against aspertame for a long time. The internet has increased her visibility and spread her pernicious lies without being able to fully challenge things. The diabetes newsgroups are full of vitriol on her and the propaganda she spreads. Aiding this spread is to some people what flying the Afghani flag is to others these days. Her quackery and fanatical persistence has actually harmed people. Oh, by the way, the one true thing she makes is that one in 10,000,000 (not 10,000 as she claims, though) do have a severe allergic reaction to aspertame. This is well known and the percentage of people with problems is actually lower than for almost any disease prevention shots and antibiotics given today. jlc
Annie says- dear mike....just a quick note to let you know that even if you think this person who sent you this article is a little off...having worked in a health food store for almost ten years,and dealing with people who have these illnesses..i think you may want to reconsider your stand on this..aspartame is a killer..desert storm is a prime example. the bottler sent pallets and pallets of soda to the troops there..the stuff sat in the sun and got heated up..how many of these men are now suffering from unusual illnesses and afflictions to their nervous system? i think she is right on..and further investigation will prove her right.my son used to drink diet pepsi ;seven to eight bottle a day! he got fat! when he heard that diet pepsi would do this he stopped cold turkey.now he is buff and trim. all my prodding about how bad artificila sweeteners are you you didn't phase him til he saw the article about fat! at least he listened to peers and outside sources! he is well and fine..still a teenager ;but fine! haha anyway..rethink this or do more research;don't just toss this info away.. thanks... see you around the go room.... annie
Dave says- Not bogus I articles that go through the chemistry of it . Aspartame is a Neurotoxin
(((((((((((((((((((( PLANET PROCTOR 2001.18 - http://www.planetproctor.com
"We are living in a science fiction world created by Disney." - Bob Dylan
WHERE WAS US, ANYWAY? Well, let's see...my PowerMac finally puttered out in the slow lane of the Old Information Highway smack dab in the middle of intense writing and staging for the Firesign Theatre's PBS-TV "Weirdly Cool" Special. I continued the work on a new iBook and am now up and running on the iMac. I deserve a break today. I have also taken the opportunity to upgrade my internet service from MACSIM 2000 B.C.E. to CS 2005.1 Anno Dumb as Us; and although mail is forwarded automatically, my new e-ddress is officially pproctor2@cs.com. (Yes, there is ANOTHER pproctor somewhere in the back hip pockets of America offline.) And a few observations: since the advent of the cybermind, I've noticed that if nobody hears from you in a couple of months, it seems to go un-noticed. No frantic electronic missives like - "Holy Grid! Are you all right?" Is this because everything is so automated? I know I try to respond to all personal email and especially that which demands it, but I constantly tell my working partners and close friend(s) to call me and leave a voice-mail if something requires my immediate attention. I don't know about you, [YOUR NAME HERE], but I can't always make it to the computer, let alone email, every day! Anyway, I'm back. So here we go again...
"Every great advance in natural knowledge has involved the absolute rejection of authority." - Thomas Huxley
SOFT, WHAT WINDOWS BREAKS? Th' expense of software in a waste of time is bugged in action; Makes users savage, bloody, murderous, extreme, rude, cruel; Used, software is perjur'd, not to trust, full of blame, Enjoy'd no sooner, but despised straight; Past reason purchased or pirated; and no sooner licensed, Past reason hated, as a swallow'd bait, On purpose developed to make the user mad: Mad in pursuit, and in possession so; Had, having, and in quest to have, extreme; A bliss in proof, -- and prov'd, a very woe; Before, a solution propos'd; behind, a corrupted data stream: All this the world well knows; yet none knows well To shun the software that leads users to this hell. - William Shakespeare (1564-1616), revised by Garry Margolis' friend, 2001
THIS IS THE END The president of a management consulting company was given a ticket for a performance of Schubert's Unfinished Symphony. Since he was unable to go, he gave the ticket to one of his consultant. The next morning he asked him how he had enjoyed it. Instead of a few observations about the symphony in general, he was handed a formal memorandum which read as follows: 1. For a considerable period, the oboe players had nothing to do. Their number should be reduced, and their work spread over the whole orchestra, avoiding peaks of inactivity. 2. All 12 violins were playing identical notes. This seems an unneeded duplication, and the staff of this section should be cut. If a volume of sound is really required, this could be accomplished with the use of an amplifier. 3. Much effort was involved in playing the 16th notes. This appears to be an excessive refinement, and it is recommended that all notes be rounded up to the nearest 8th note. If this were done it would be possible to use para-professionals instead of experienced musicians. 4. No useful purpose is served by repeating with horns the passage that has already been handled by the strings. If all such redundant passages were eliminated then the concert could be reduced from two hours to twenty minutes. 5. The symphony had two movements. If Mr. Schubert didn't achieve his musical goals by the end of the first movement, then he should have stopped there. The second movement is unnecessary and should be cut. In light of the above, one can only conclude that had Mr. Schubert given attention to these matters, he probably would have had time to finish the symphony. (From Don Sylvester, I think)
"There's a new retail establishment in Marina del Ray which provides rowing equipment to prostitutes. It's called The Little Shoppe of Whore Oars." - Yuri "The Beast" Rasovsky
THE DOCTOR IS SIN Garry Margolis tells us that Dr. Stu Hansell had slept with one of his patients and had felt guilty all day long. No matter how much he tried to forget about it, he couldn't. The guilt and sense of betrayal was overwhelming; but every once in a while he'd hear that soothing voice within himself trying to reassure him: "Stu, don't worry about it. You aren't the first doctor to sleep with one of your patients and you won't be the last. And you're single. Let it go..." But invariably the other voice would bring him back to reality: "Stu, you're a veterinarian..."
"Reality is for people who lack imagination" -L.A. bumpersticker THE DOG DAYS OF SUMMER "Take a Break" reports a (purportedly) true story from Birmingham, England. No time to check it out, but who cares? It's funny. Some co-workers threw a surprise birthday for a popular legal secretary by letting themselves into her flat with a spare key; but when the birthday girl showed up, she unexpectedly bypassed the main room and headed straight into the kitchen. After puttering around for a while, she then sauntered casually into the living room whilst calling for her dog. Well, talk about a "Surprise"... While in the kitchen she had stripped down to her birthday suit and smeared peanut butter on her naughties. (I trust it was "Skippy.")
"Poets do it doggerel style." - Phil's Funny Facts
WHAT DROVE JESUS Most people assume "WWJD" stands for "What would Jesus do?" But the initials really stand for "What would Jesus drive?" One theory holds that Jesus tooled around in an old Plymouth because the Bible says, "God drove Adam and Eve out of the Garden of Eden in a Fury." But in Psalm 83, the Almighty clearly owns a Pontiac and a Geo. The passage urges the Lord to "pursue your enemies with your Tempest and terrify them with your Storm." Some scholars insist that Jesus drove a Honda but didn't like to talk about it. As proof, they cite a verse in St. John's gospel where Christ tells the crowd, "For I did not speak of my own Accord." And following the Master's lead, his disciples might have carpooled in a Honda, since "The Apostles were in one Accord." Joshua apparently drove a Triumph sports car, but with a faulty muffler, as "Joshua's Triumph was heard throughout the land." Meanwhile, Moses rode an old British motorcycle, as evidenced by a Bible passage declaring that "the roar of Moses' Triumph is heard in the hills." And perhaps God favors Dodge pickup trucks because Moses' followers are warned not to go up a mountain -- "until the Ram's horn sounds a long blast." (In the trauma of my recent transplant, I lost the source of this blasphemous piece. Please identify yourself for the website or forever roast in Hell!)
"Earth spawned us for one purpose: to create plastic." - George Carlin
MISSED AND ALIAS Where to start? Thanks to George Carlin for taping an intro to one of the upcoming segments in our PBS Special. His latest book,"Napalm and Silly Putty" is silly brilliance as always. Thanks to the cast of Jerry Mayer's middle-aged musical "You Haven't Changed A Bit and Other Lies"-- and especially to my buddies Peter Jason, Reni Santoni and David Spielberg. Fancifully directed by Caroline McWilliams, who graced the stage in "Muzeeka" with the two Phils in the 60s, it's running indefinitely at the Whitefire on Ventura, (310) 459-1548. (It's a pity that the same can't be said for the actors.) Indeed, we must now bid a fond farewell to "The Fantasticks" after a 40-year run and over 17,500 performances at Greenwich Village's Sullivan Street Theater. Try to remember... And yes, the new FST CD "The Bride of Firesign" is finally out on Rhino Records and topping the charts on Amazon.com and because of the nature of the unexpectedly controversial opening segment, we have finally earned a PG-13 rating! Thanks again, George...
"Dick jokes are one of my favorite things to write. Anything surrounding the penis is funny to me." - "Legally Blind" writer Karen Lutz, quoted in "Written By"
FORWARD, INTO THE PAST!!! Florida to Be Re-admitted to Union Year 2000 Chad Sells For $6.9 Million at Sotheby's Great Benevolent Galactic Ruler Reveals That Anal Probes Were "Just for Fun" Wealthy Widow Anna Nicole Smith, 83, Weds Handsome Young Actor Pope Phil II Settles Custody Battle With Ex-Wife Upcoming NFL Draft Likely to Focus On Mutants Younger Generation's Music Provokes Outrage of Elders Zoo to Receive Rare Cow As Plague of Spotted Owls Threaten Crops, Livestock Nursing Home Lawsuit: Clinton Denies Candy Striper's Allegations AOLTimeWarner-GEDisneyCiscoFord-RJRNabiscoExxonMobil Cleared of Monopoly Charges 50-Year Study Proves Diet and Exercise Key to Weight Loss Baby Conceived Naturally Texas Executes Last Remaining Citizen It Wasn't The Cigarettes - It Was The Ashtrays (Future Headlines forwarded by Pat Willson)
"Bush Vows To Rid National Parks of Toxic Petroleum" - Real Fake Headline
HAIL TO THE THIEF! The Funny Times, which features excerpts from this rant rag and keeps me writing it out of a sense of misdirected duty, is offering packets of "Global Warming Bush" seeds as a companion to their earlier issue of "Texas Homegrown Dope". Described as "Seeds of Environmental Destruction" and "The Burning Bush", you are instructed to "Clear-cut all available public lands and wilderness areas...water with...arsenic and a steady stream of donations from Big Oil [and] fertilize with Supreme Court Brand manure." Visit the website below to order yours now!
"If you give a person a fish, they'll fish for one day. But if you train a person to fish, they'll fish for a lifetime." - VP Dan Quayle
TALK ABOUT A SPLINTER PARTY Larry Belling relates a story about a lady from California who purchased some timberland in Oregon where a large tree dominated one of the highest points in the tract. Wanting to get a good view of her land, she clambered up the tree; but as she neared the top, she was suddenly attacked by a spotted owl and in her haste to escape , she slid down too rapidly, planting many splinters in her private parts. In considerable pain, she hurried to the nearest doctor who listened to her story and then promptly left her waiting for three hours before he reappeared. "What took you so long?" the angry lady demanded, "Well," the unperturbed doctor replied, "I had to get permits from the EPA, the Forest Service and the Bureau of Land Management before I could remove old-growth timber from a recreational area."
"Sonny goes skiing. God, looking down upon him, says "I got you, babe." - Sonny We Hardly Knew You Haiku by April Winchell
TOO LONG A LIST In the time it took me to get back to the Planet, too many wonderful friends and cohorts have left it. Let's start with the great-hearted Kathleen Freeman, who succumbed at 78 at the height of her well-deserved Tony-nominated Broadway success in "The Full Monty", and for whom a memorial will take place on Sunday the 30th. If you don't know the details of her long and illustrious career, I guess you never watched TV or went to the movies. Looking back at her first stage role at UCLA where she was to become a concert pianist, Kathleen said, "A terrible thing happened. I got in a play and got a laugh." Summing up her achievements, she laterobserved in a NY Times interview, "I'm a living example of the fact that you don't have to be in every inch of a film or a play to be important to it." Her example will live forever in the hearts of those who knew her and had the grand privilege of working with her. And the same can be said for Larry Lanz, who though unknown to most of you, was a dear friend and a continually inspirational force "behind the glass" to many of us in the recording industry during his all too short life. Starting at Alan Barzman's Newjack Studios under the guidance of Fred Jones, he became Proctor and Bergman's Production Assistant for our 70's record "Give Us A Break" and eventually President and co-owner of Buzzy's Recording with Andrew, Maria and Mrs. Danvers, their much-adored studio Scottie. Since we lost Larry to complications caused by a lifelong battle with Diabetes, his widow, Diane, asks that contributions be made in his memory to the American Diabetes Association, Att'n Maria Vasquez, 6300 Wilshire Blvd. (Suite 100), LA CA 90048. And finally, God-bye to ex-patriate harmonica virtuoso Larry Adler and Cajun Storyteller "JOOS-tain" Wilson; "I ga-ron-tee", we'll miss them both.
++++++++++++(SEPTEMBER 7, 2001)++++++++++ * FIRESIGN: http://www.firesigntheatre.com * FIREZINE: http://www.firezine.net * FIRESIGN STUFF: http://www.lodestone-media.com * FUNNY TIMES: http://www.funnytimes.com PLANET PROCTOR (C) 2001 by Phil Proctor
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((((((((((((((((((((PLANET PROCTOR 2001.19 - http://www.planetproctor.com
"Can we be funny?" - SNL's Lorne Michaels. "Why start now?"- Mayor Rudi Giuliani
WHERE TO START? My daughter, Kristin, called me from uptown Manhattan early on 9.11 to announce that a second plane had just plowed into the World Trade Towers. I watched the rest unfold as I assume did many of you. It was unreal, sickening and terrifying. It still is. Kristin is OK and has three passports. My wife, Melinda, is also safe and sound and on her feet dancing the tango in Milwaukee, Wisconsin, preparing for the opening night of "The Magic Fire" written and directed by Lillian Garrett-Groag at the Milwaukee Rep. I'll be there as well after a visit to Richard Fish at LodesTone in Bloomington, Indiana (the new home of Firesign Theatre Records), and a drive to see my mom in Goshen. I will be away from 10/14 -10/23 and would appreciate a moratorium on email! The Firesign Theatre's PBS Special, "Weirdly Cool", is being edited by our pals at K2 Pictures on West 26th and is looking good. There are a few chilling moments as seen through our new perspective, but nothing to keep us off the air; and we have been asked to appear LIVE on the East coast during pledge breaks starting at our sponsor station WHYY in Philadelphia, late November. Requestthe show fat your local PBS outlet and maybe we'll show up there as well! "The Bride of Firesign" Rhino CD is also out there, but beware! It contains some spine-chillingly prophetic references like this exchange between Night Whispers' host Harold Hiphugger and Alvin "the impact man" Bradshaw: HAL: Chief, I see you're totally tattooed in body-piercing camouflage. BRADSHAW: Yeah, and I'm wearing my angry hat. HAL: Is that a whale pizzle in the band? BRADSHAW: Full metal! HAL: Does this mean -- war? Earlier, our all-night DJ, Bebop Lobo, says, inspired by the Egyptian God, Isis: "The black velvet night waits like the mystic crocodile to rip us into a thousand pieces on the slippery slopes of denial." The 666-story Funfun Needle is later shattered with a blast of lightning invoked by a madman, followed by a Pearl Harbor joke at "The Gravediggers Roadshow." Listen yourself, if you dare... but we're NOT INSANE! And we're not involved, either; just sensitive to the dangers of the 21st century which this "loss of innocence, learning-to-be-a-man" album seems to be all about...
"This is an unacceptable reality"- Eyewitness to the attacks on Discovery
BOMB 'EM BACK TO THE STONED AGE! Then, subscriber Paul Thielen writes that "a pundit on KGO radio in San Francisco quoted Chopra Deepak, the feel-good guru, as suggesting that we should "bomb Afganistan with literature" (in an effort to educate them on current events). Shades of the 'Enola McCluan'! For the uninitiated, that's an event from "Le Trente-huit Cunegonde" on our first album, "Waiting for the Electrician or Someone like Him" -- a special performance of which will be on the PBS bonus tape.
"Some real things have happened lately." - Joan Didion, "The Last Thing He Wanted."
TERRORIST SEX Those of us who remember getting laid during the Cuban Missle Crisis will have no problem understanding that a whole "lotta lovin's goin' on" these days, often between total strangers. It's a natural urge when a body thinks it could be the last chance to get one off before The Big One hits. But according to a recent press release, high unemployment has the same effect, so even if we survive, there's more hooking up ahead, at least according to Swaziland ruler King Mswati III. Since hard times in his country led to an HIV/AIDS epidemic, His Highness reinstated the "Umchwasho", a maiden's chastity rule also called "Flower of the Nation". Thus, Swaziland has officially banned single women from sexual activity for five years. Maidens cannot shake hands or wear pants, and virgins must wear black and blue "do-not-touch-me" tassels. Those over 19 or in a relationship wear different tassels, and men acting against the ruling will be fined a cow. Well, at least it's better than being "beaten black-and-blue" for similar crimes in Afghanistan.
"The greatest tragedy in mankind's entire history may be the hijacking of morality by religion. However valuable - even necessary - that may have been in enforcing good behavior on primitive peoples, their association is now counterproductive. Yet at the very moment when they should be decoupled, sanctimonious nitwits are calling for a return to morals based on superstition." - Sir Arthur C. Clarke, Skeptical Inquirer
WHAT'S IN A NAME? The Taliban means "an organization of students", but they are described as "barbarians" by an ethnic Tajik named Shuraj (which means "courageous") who escaped the Afghani capitol, Kabul, after losing his job as a policeman. "It's a system of men with guns." Osama Bin Laden says furthermore, "We do not differentiate between those dressed in military uniforms and civilians; they are all targets..." They claim they are waging a "jihad" or holy war against the decadent and demoralizing incursions of the Western world, but in Islam "jihad" is the interior battle all humans wage against their own resistance to God. But however misguided, as op-ed writer John Balzar states, "These holy warriors are the children of an American policy that once before, as now, split the world into friend or foe." And after we helped create the Soviet pull-out in 1989, we pulled out, too. Now we're experiencing the blow-back.
"The death you are seeking is sure to find you" - Muslem saying
IN THE NAME OF GOD!!! At a time when certain lobbyists are declaring the Bush administration to be (of all things) "Pro Gay Rights," that anti-Christian bigot, Jerry Falwell, is up to his old tricks again: "I really believe," he said to his crony Pat Robertson, "that the pagans, and the abortionists, and the feminists, and the gays and the lesbians who are actively trying to make that an alternative lifestyle, the ACLU, People For the American Way, all of them who have tried to secularize America -- I point the finger in their face and say 'you helped this happen'." To which Pat responded, "We have a court that has essentially stuck its finger in God's eye. We have insulted God at the highest level of government." You've both insulted America.
"This is how men behave when they believe they have absolute knowledge." - Jacob Bronowski at the Auschwitz crematorium, "The Ascent of Man"
SALUTE MY SHORTS! A professional comedian was going through a medical examination to volunteer for military service, and after being stripped bare, fingered all over, including parts of the body better left untouched, he finally came to a desk at which some sergeant was taking down information about the potential inductees. "Occupation?" barked the sergeant. "Comedian," replied the comedian. "Oh, yeah?" sneered the sergeant, "Say something funny." The comedian turned around, looked at his fellows beings stripped of all their dignity and waiting their turn to be further humiliated, and said, "O.K., fellas, you can all go home. I got the job." (Ivan's Jokes)
"When I despair, I remember that all through history the way of truth and love has always won. There have been tyrants and murderers and for a time they seem invincible; but in the end, they always fall. Think of it. Always." - Mahatma Gandhi
SIX-PACK SPEAKS As we hear the calls for tightened American security and a fierce military response to terrorism, it is obvious that none of us has any answers; however, we feel compelled to ask some questions. Everything has a cause, so we have to ask, what was the root cause of this evil? We must find out not superficially but at the deepest level. There is no doubt that such evil is alive all around the world and is even celebrated. Does this evil grow from the suffering and anguish felt by people we don't know and therefore ignore? Have they lived in this condition for a long time? One assumes that whoever did this attack feels implacable hatred for America. Why were we selected to be the focus of suffering around the world? All this hatred and anguish seems to have religion at its basis. Isn't something terribly wrong when jihads and wars develop in the name of God? Isn't God invoked with hatred in Ireland, Sri Lanka, India, Pakistan, Israel, Palestine, and even among the intolerant sects of America? Can any military response make the slightest difference in the underlying cause? Is there not a deep wound at the heart of humanity? If there is a deep wound, doesn't it affect everyone? When generations of suffering respond with bombs, suicidal attacks, and biological warfare, who first developed these weapons? Who sells them? Who gave birth to the satanic technologies now being turned against us? If all of us are wounded, will revenge work? Will an eye for an eye, a tooth for a tooth, and a limb for a limb, leave us all blind, toothless and crippled? Tribal warfare has been going on for two thousand years and has now gotten magnified globally. Can tribal warfare be brought to an end? Is patriotism and nationalism even relevant anymore, or is this another form of tribalism? Everyone is calling this an attack on America, but is it not a rift in our collective soul? Isn't this an attack on civilization from without that is also from within? I only hope that these questions are confronted with the deepest spiritual intent. None of us will feel safe again behind the shield of military might and stockpiled arsenals. There can be no safety until the root cause is faced. In this moment of shock I don't think any one of us has the answers. It is imperative that we pray and offer solace and help to each other. But if you and I are having a single thought of violence or hatred against anyone in the world at this moment, we are contributing to the wounding of the world. Love, Deepak Chopra
"I don't want to die in Bloomingdale's" - Salesgirl Zhanna Nalbadyan,in an L.A. quake
IRELAND VS ALSO IRAN Saddam Hussein was sitting in his office wondering who to terrorize next when his telephone rang. "Hallo! Mr. Hussein," a heavily accented voice said. "This is Paddy down in County Cavan, Ireland. I am ringing to inform you that we are officially declaring war on you!" "Well, Paddy," Saddam replied, "This is indeed important news! Tell me, how big is your army?" "At this moment in time," said Paddy after a moment's calculation, "there is myself, my cousin Sean, my next door neighbor Gerry, and the entire dominoes team from the pub -- that makes eight." Saddam sighed. "I must tell you Paddy, that I have one million men in my army waiting to move on my command." "Begorra!", said Paddy, "I'll have to ring you back!" Sure enough, the next day Paddy rang back. "Right Mr. Hussein, the war is still on! We have managed to acquire some equipment!" "And what equipment would that be, Paddy?" Saddam asked. "Well, we have two combine harvesters, a bulldozer and Murphy's tractor from the farm." Once more Saddam sighed. "I must tell you, Paddy, that I have sixteen thousand tanks, fourteen thousand armored personnel carriers, and my army has increased to one and a half million since we last spoke." "Really?!" said Paddy. "I'll have to be ringin' you back!" The next day Paddy rang again. "Right, Mr. Hussein, the war is still on! We have managed to get ourselves airborne! We've modified Ted's ultra-light with a couple of rifles in the cockpit and the bridge team has joined us as well!" Saddam was silent for a minute, then sighed and said, "I must tell you, Paddy, that I have ten thousand bombers, twenty thousand MiG-19 attack planes, my military complex is surrounded by laser-guided surface-to-air missile sites, and since we last spoke, my army has increased to two million." "Faith and begorra!", said Paddy, "I'll have to ring you back." Sure enough, the next day. Paddy said, "Mr. Hussein? I'm sorry to tell you that we have had to call off the war." "I'm sorry to hear that," said Saddam. "Why the sudden change of heart?" "Well," said Paddy "We've all had a chat, and there's no way we can feed two million prisoners."
"The desire to bang is gone - at least temporarily." - NY movie producer Scott Rudin WHAT DID YOU CALL ME? My partner Peter Bergman -- soon to be delivering a daily one-minute NPR satirical commentary on "All Things Considered" -- noted that after dropping the name "Operation Infinite Justice" because it might offend the enemy, and before adopting the somewhat ambiguous call-to-arms "Enduring Freedom" we actually had for a while, "A nameless operation against a faceless enemy." Know how to make a terrorist laugh? Bomb on stage...
"If you don't stand for something, you'll fall for anything." - Dr. David Walker
THE SHOW MUST GO ON... Have I been affected? Collaterally, one might say. Stricter security on the studio lots. The threat of bomb scares. The loss of work due to the postponement or shelving of films and CD-roms and interactive on-line games. It's nothing. "Rugrats" started its tenth season this week.
Melinda is working, my friends and family are safe and Kristin is appearing as "Cindy", the snob with a nose job, in the upcoming Penny Marshall film "Riding in Cars with Boys", as "Lisa" in "Boy's Life" directed by David McDermott at the Flatiron Playhouse November 6th - 11th, and in April, she'll be performing in "Measure for Measure" by the Acting Shakespeare Company at 45 Bleeker. We go on. And the planet still spins.
"Life is the only reality." - the late, great Kathleen Freeman
++++++++++++(OCTOBER 1, 2001)++++++++++ * FIRESIGN: http://www.firesigntheatre.com * FIRESIGN STUFF: http://www.lodestone-media.com * FUNNY TIMES: http://www.funnytimes.com PLANET PROCTOR (C) 2001 by Phil Proctor
