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Magic Mike's Jokes Archive #35
Jokes from the mailbox, Magic Mailouts, NASA space
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"Since all phenomena, is a product of one's own mind,
empty of meaning, like a magician's illusion,
having nothing to do with good or bad, acceptance or rejection,
one might burst out in laughter."
- Longchenpa, 13th century Tibetan monk.
"The ego is the ugly little troll that lives underneath the bridge between your mind and your heart."
-Dennis Miller
Hi, I have a lot a ofunny jokes for you. Today's photo is a stunning large desktop wallpaper, in Sagittarius, showing the Trifid Nebula, a striking contrast in red/blue colors and dark dust lanes. The 360° Tour Banff's emerald beauty Lake Louise, Canada - Lake Louise, on the edge of Lake Louise in Banff National Park, the heart of the rugged Canadian Rockies. See the new BMWFilm, "Star". It's rather amusing. I have added many Recipes. See it all at http://funandmagic.com/ .
Headlines: Year 2055 1. Florida is finally re-admitted to the union. 2. Spotted Owl plague now threatens Western crops & livestock. 3. George Z. Bush says he will run for President. 4. 50 year study: diet and exercise is the key to weight loss. 5. Nursing home event... Clinton denies Candy Striper allegations. 6. Texas executes last remaining citizen. 7. Upcoming NFL draft likely to focus on use of mutants. 8. Baby conceived naturally..... Scientists stumped. 9. Authentic year 2000 "CHAD" sells at Sotheby's for 9.6 million. 10. Ozone created by Electric Cars now killing thousands in Los Angeles. 11. Average height of NBA players now nine foot seven inches. 12. Unionized Chinese workers now making 4,000,000,000 yen an hour. American owned businesses now returning to cheap labor in U.S.A. 13. White minority demands civil rights and reparations. 14. New California law requires that all machetes, steak knives and baseball bats be registered before January 2056
=-=-=-=-=-=-=-
Why don't Jewish mothers drink? Alcohol interferes with their suffering.
==-=-=-=-=-=-=-
Budget: A method of worrying before you spend as well as afterward.
Critic: A legless man who teaches running.
DENTIST: A magician who puts metal into your mouth, and pulls coins out of your pocket.
Disarmament: An agreement between nations to scuttle all weapons that are obsolete.
Metallurgist: Someone who is allergic to iron.
Insurance: Paying for catastrophes on the installment plan.
Life Insurance; A contract that keeps you poor so you can die rich.
Pediatricians: Men of little patients.
=-=-=-=-=-==-
Q: What do you get when you cross a lawyer with a demon from hell? A: Another lawyer.
--=-=-=-=-=-=-
"The fear of death keeps us from living, not from dying." - Paul C. Roud
=-=-=-=-=-=-=-
A blonde is driving down the road. She notices that she's low on gas so she stops at the gas station. While she's pumping her gas, she notices that she locked the keys in the car. So, when she goes inside to pay, she asks the attendant for a hanger so she can attempt to open the door herself.
She goes outside and begins to jimmy the lock. Ten minutes later, the attendant goes outside to see how the blonde is faring.
The blonde outside of the car is moving the hanger around and around, while the blonde inside of the car is saying,
"A little more to the left... a little more to the right
-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=
"Every great mistake has a halfway moment, a split-second when it can be recalled and perhaps remedied." -Pearl S. Buck
-=-=-=-=-=--=-=
TOP 10 SIGNS YOU HIRED THE WRONG KID TO MOW YOUR LAWN
10. He shows up with a pair of nail clippers and a Ziploc bag
9. On the side of his mower you notice the stenciled silhouettes of 13 cats
8. Stops frequently to nap inside the grass-catcher
7. Always trying to impress you by stopping the mower blades with his head
6. You notice him shoving the last of his clothes into the mulcher
5. He's fascinated by the details of you home security system
4. Stops every couple of minutes to smoke some clippings
3. Somehow manages to mow the hood ornament off your Lexus
2. Turns a goat loose and says he'll be back in three weeks
1. No toes
-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-
An accountant is someone who knows the cost of everything and the value of nothing.
An auditor is someone who arrives after the battle and bayonets all the wounded.
A banker is a fellow who lends you his umbrella when the sun is shining and wants it back the minute it begins to rain. (Mark Twain)
An economist is an expert who will know tomorrow why the things he predicted yesterday didn't happen today.
A statistician is someone who is good with numbers, but lacks the personality to be an accountant.
An actuary is someone who brings a fake bomb on a plane because that decreases the chances that there will be another bomb on the plane. (Laurence J. Peter)
A programmer is someone who solves a problem you didn't know you had in a way you don't understand.
A mathematician is a blind man in a dark room looking for a black cat which isn't there. (Charles R. Darwin)
A topologist is a man who doesn't know the difference between a coffee cup and a doughnut.
A lawyer is a person who writes a 10,000 word document and calls it a "brief."
-=-=-=-=-=-=
"You are an 80's child if...."
*You ever ended your sentence with "psych" *You solved the Rubics cube.....by peeling off the stickers *You watched the pound puppies *You can sing the rap to "the Fresh Prince of Bel-Air" *You wore biker shorts under your skirts and felt stylish *You yearned to be a member of the Baby-sitters club and tried to start a club of your own. (amen) *You owned those little Strawberry Shortcake pals scented dolls *You know what 'Whoa' means from Blossom *Three words: M.C. Hammer *If you played the chipmunks Christmas album all year long! *The crypt keeper really freaked you out *You ever watched Fraggle Rock *You had plastic streamers on the handle bars of your bike *When it was actually worth getting up early on a Saturday to watch cartoons *You wore a pony tail to the side of your head *You saw the original Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles on the big screen *You got super-excited when it was Oregon Trail day in computer class at school *You made your mom buy you one of those clips that would hold your shirt in a knot on the side *You had a Kirk Cameron poster on your bedroom wall *You played the game "Mash" with friends at school *You wore a Jordache jean jacket and you were proud of it *Your mother wouldn't let you have garbage pail kids *You wanted to change your name to Jem in Kindergarten *You remember reading "Tales of a Fourth Grade Nothing" and all the Ramona books *You know the profound meaning of "Wax on, Wax off" *You wanted to be a Goonie *You ever wore fluorescent, neon if you will, clothing *You can remember what Michael Jackson looked like before his nose felloff. *You have ever pondered why Smurfette was the ONLY female smurf *You remember the craze, and then banning of slap bracelets *You remember Hypercolor T-shirts *You remember Punky Brewster *You loved Howard the duck *You thought Sheera and He-Man should hook up *You thought your childhood friends would never leave because you exchanged"friendship bracelets" *You ever owned a pair of Jelly Shoes *After you saw Pee-Wee's Big Adventure you couldn't stop saying "I know you are but what am I?" *You remember "I've fallen...and I can't get up!" *You remember going to the skating rink before there were inline skates *You ever got seriously injured on a slip and slide *You know not to mix poprocks and soda *You had or went to a birthday party at McDonald's *You had a Glow Worm or watched the cartoons *You remember dancing along with the Bangles in "Walk Like An Egyptian" *If you remember Heathcliff the orange cat *You saw the California Raisins Christmas claymation special *You've gone through this list occasionally saying "That wasn't from the 80's" *You remember Popples *DON'T WORRY, BE HAPPY!!!!!!!!!!!! *You wore socks over tights with high-top Reeboks *You wore like 8 pairs of socks at once, scrunched down *MISS MARY MACK MACK MACK ALL DRESSED IN BLACK BLACK BLACK..... *You remember boom boxes instead of CD players *You remember watching both "Gremlins" movies *You remember the Transformers *You knew what it meant to say: "Care bear stare!!" and you had a favorite *You remember Rainbow Bright and MY Little Pony Tails *You remember Alf, the little furry brown alien from Malmac *You remember the large amounts of hairspray used *You remember Vicky the Robot *You remember Eve Garland from Out of this World and how she could stop time by pressing the tips of her index fingers together *You remember the beggining of New Kids on the Block *You remember Mr.Belvedere *You remember Michael J. Fox in Family Ties and Back to the Future
-=--=-=-=-=-=--=-=
Time To Get A New Life Your job requires you to wear a paper hat. You consider professional wrestling a sport. You know all the words to the Brady Bunch theme. You don't buy National Enquirer at the checkout.... you subscribe. You get unnecessary haircuts, just to have someone run their fingers through your hair. You believe Oswald acted alone, except for the aliens behind the grassy knoll. The first four digits of your girl/boyfriend's phone number are 1-900. You really DO read Playboy/Playgirl for the articles. You play the accordion.
Have a magic day and pass it on. Magic Mike http://funandmagic.com/
(((((((((((((((((((( PLANET PROCTOR 2001.13 - http://www.planetproctor.com
"I know that there are people in this world who do not love their fellow man, and I hate people like that!" -- Tom Lehrer
WHAT - QUIT SHOWBIZ? Supposedly genuine e-mail exchanges between Jennifer Lopez's people and WB re changing her billing to "J Lo" on "Angel Eyes"... From: Martha Hudson, Publicity Manager, Warner Bros Pictures RE: "Angel Eyes" tweaks -- Yes, we got your fax...I thought the publicist said Jennifer wanted to do anything to promote this movie. From: Lucille LeSueur -- Tweaks? Of course, she wants to do *anything*. (Thought you said you got the fax.) She merely wants you to meet her halfway. From: Martha -- Lucy, how can I put this? (I suppose I should phone, but I'm too upset) According to this fax, you're asking us to pull all the one-sheets, posters and prints of the movie in order to bill Jennifer as "J.Lo" instead of her [expletive deleted] God-given name. This is *not* going halfway, unless she intends to pay for the millions out of her own pocket. We are talking here about a movie that opens in two weeks!! The junket is tomorrow!! Are you guys smoking crack over there with Robert Downey? The bottom line (and I've got backup on this): She signed onto this project as "Jennifer Lopez." She <so help me is going to be billed as "Jennifer Lopez." We can't help it if she's decided to get a diva transplant. From: Lucille -- Okay, I'm going to do you a big favor, Martha. I'm not going to repeat what you just said to J.Lo. But only because I don't want to see her go to jail FOR RIPPING OUT YOUR ORGANS WITH HER BARE HANDS! I simply can't believe the lack of respect here. Maybe you can play these games with "James" Caviezel (or is it "Jim"? ... Gee, I guess he can't make up his mind, either.) But J.Lo, clearly, is no "James"/"Jim" Caviezel. She is the world's preeminent female celebrity. She has more talent in her ass than most people have in their tiny finger. J.Lo is not just an actress. She is not just a singer. She is not just a celebrity. She is a movement. (Why do I even have to say this?) She feels extra-determined that "Jennifer Lopez" isn't where her movement is at these days. She is "J. Lo." From: Martha -- Okay, how about this as a compromise: I've seen this critic guy on the Internet. He calls Jennifer "J.Lo's Magical Butt." That enough of a "movement" for you? P.S.: I'd like to see "J.Lo" try to rip out my organs. I hear my liver would grow back anyway. Which is more than I can say for her movie career after this P.O.S. opens. From: Lucille -- Miss Hudson: This note is to inform you that J. Lo has taken ill and will be unable to attend Saturday's press junket at the Four Seasons in Beverly Hills. She respectfully sends her regrets. From: Martha -- Dearest Lucy: Kiss, kiss. We're sorry to hear about poor Jennifer Lopez. At least we won't blow our kissing-and-fawning budget tomorrow. We'll need it for that Travolta movie [Swordfish] coming up.
"This isn't right. It isn't even wrong." -- Physicist Wolfgang Pauli
BUT SERIOUSLY FOLKS... I said "supposedly", didn't I... and Edie McClurg adds: "I talked with a friend who works at Warner Bros and he said [the above] is a comedy bit written by a new website (like Hollywood Stock Exchange) to get publicity. Well, it worked on me. Paul Willson mentioned that the name Lucille LeSueur was Joan Crawford's real name. I thought it sounded familiar. It was good writing; but it was funnier when I thought it was real. Love, Edie"
"200-year-old androgynous character who stylishly floats around being evil. Capable of reading minds and torture...Voice seems to fluctuate between gender when he's bad. A suggested prototype is Rue Paul -- are there any drag queens who'll work for scale out there?!!!!!" - CD-Rom character description
EINSTEIN'S THEORY OF CAT BEHAVIOR * LAW OF CAT INERTIA - A cat at rest will tend to remain at rest, unless acted upon by some outside force, such as the opening of cat food. * LAW OF CAT MOTION - A cat will move in a straight line, unless there is a really good reason to change direction. * FIRST LAW OF CAT ENERGY CONSERVATION - Cats know that energy can neither be created nor destroyed and will, thus, use as little energy as possible. * LAW OF BAG/BOX OCCUPANCY - All bags and boxes in a given room must contain a cat within the earliest possible nanosecond. * LAW OF FURNITURE REPLACEMENT - A cat's desire to scratch furniture is directly proportional to the cost of the furniture. * LAW OF CAT COMPOSITION - A cat is composed of Matter + Anti- matter = It Doesn't Matter. * LAW OF CAT OBEDIENCE - As yet undiscovered. (Ivan's Jokes)
"I was going to buy a copy of 'The Power of Positive Thinking,' and then I thought: What good would that do?" - Ronnie Shakes
SAY "ARF" (Or...how to photograph your new puppy.) ** Remove film from box and load camera ** Remove film box from puppy's mouth and throw in trash ** Remove puppy from trash and brush coffee grounds from muzzle ** Choose a suitable background for photo ** Mount camera on tripod and focus ** Find puppy and take dirty sock from mouth ** Place puppy in pre-focused spot and return to camera ** Forget about spot and crawl after puppy on knees ** Focus with one hand and fend off puppy with other hand ** Get tissue and clean nose print from lens ** Take flash cube from puppy's mouth and throw in trash ** Put cat outside and put peroxide on the scratch on puppy's nose ** Put magazines back on coffee table ** Try to get puppy's attention by squeaking toy over your head ** Replace your glasses and check camera for damage ** Grab puppy by scruff of neck and say, "No! Outside!" ** Call spouse to clean up mess ** Fix a drink ** Sit back in Lazy Boy with drink and resolve to teach puppy "sit" and "stay" the first thing in the morning (Ivan again) "I regret to say that we of the F.B.I. are powerless to act in cases of oral-genital intimacy, unless it has in some way obstructed interstate commerce." - J. Edgar Hoover
LET ME OUT OF THIS CELL! AP notes that a national obsession entered Israeli high culture Friday when an orchestra performed a cell-phone symphony. Each section of the 10-minute medley, titled "Spring Cellphony," began with a cellphone ring to the tune of a classical music piece, and was performed before hundreds of phone-toting Israelis at the opening of a technology exhibition in Jerusalem. More than two-thirds of all Israelis have cellular service and it is not uncommon for people to carry two phones, since always being on the phone means you are impossible to reach! (The average Israeli addict talks for 314 minutes per month, more than 2.5 times longer than the Euro average.) "It's a disease," said Isaacs Michael, who attended the performance which opened to the digital hum of the "William Tell Overture," followed by five-second cellular samples of Bach and Mozart. As the concert came to an end, a cellphone rang loudly and the conductor stopped, pivoted and shot a dirty look at the audience. It was part of the performance, of course. Or...was it?
"The imaginary friends I had as a kid dropped me because their friends thought I didn't exist." - Aaron Machado
LIFE IS LIKE A -- COUGH, COUGH!! "Life is like a box of chocolates...a cheap, thoughtless, perfunctory gift that nobody ever asks for. Unreturnable, because all you get back is another box of chocolates. You're stuck with this undefinable whipped-mint crap that you mindlessly wolf down when there's nothing else left to eat. Sure, once in a while, there's a peanut butter cup, or an English toffee. But they're gone too fast, and the taste is fleeting. "So you end up with broken bits, filled with hardened jelly and teeth-shattering nuts, and if you're desperate enough to eat those, all you've got left is a...is an empty box...filled with useless, brown paper wrappers." - The X-Files' Cigarette-Smoking Man from "Take A Break"
"Somewhere on this globe, every 10 seconds, there is a woman giving birth to a child. She must be found and stopped." - Sam Levenson (1911-1980)
NO MO' JO' Shelley Herman writes, "Thanks for including an obit of English comic Joe Baker in your latest orbit, he was a dear friend. We had a Memorial Celebration for him at the Magic Castle last week. Close to 200 people were in attendance and told stories - funny stories, and loving stories. His son-in-law Matt Goodman told of Joe's last night in the hospital before he died as the family gathered at his bedside. Joe was on oxygen, unable to speak, but alert, as they faced the difficult task of saying goodbye. While Matt was speaking to him, Joe's eyes closed, and his head turned to the side, limp. Those gathered gasped -- then Joe opened his eyes again and smiled. It was his last joke. "I miss him, but when I think of him, I'll always smile. "
"Two male flies are buzzing around, cruising for good-looking females. One spots a real cutie sitting on a pile of cow manure and dives down. 'Pardon me' he asks, turning on his best charm, 'but is this stool taken?'" - Jack's Jokes
THE SHRINK'S 23RD PSALM The Lord is my external-internal integrative mechanism, I shall not be deprived of gratification for my viscerogenic hungers or my need-dispositions. He motivates me to orient myself toward a non-social object with affective significance. He positions me in a non-decisional situation. He maximizes my adjustment. Although I entertain masochistic and self-destructive id impulses, I will maintain contact with reality, for my superego is dominant. His analysis and tranquilizers, they comfort me. He assists in the resolution of my internal conflicts despite my Oedipal problem and psychopathic compulsions. He promotes my group identification. My personality is totally integrated. Surely my prestige and status shall be enhanced as a direct function of time, And I shall remain sociologically, psychologically and economically secure forever. (Give Me A Break)
"When Bush meets with Putin it'll be just like the cold war: The leaders of the two dominant countries in the same room. One democratically elected and the other appointed by a select few party members who remain in office for life." - Dr. John (dem-florida-strategy@yahoogroups.com)
TRIAL BY JURY...AND AUTOMOBILE As some of you may know, we opened LEGAL BRIEFS to mixed reviews, but everyone loves "Trial By Jury". "A toe-tapping good time" says Kikkert in a Beverly Hills blurb; "Under the witty direction of Ann McNaughton, this piece displays an alarmingly dead-on array of hilarious Los Angeles types. The actors are exhuberant and their voices lovely", raves The L.A. Times; and the Daily News was particularly nice to His Honor, saying "The highlight of the production is one of Gilbert and Sulivan's better-known patter songs...performed to perfection by Proctor." With ever-updated lyrics by me and Sir John Apicella like: "Addicted stars from Betty Ford, relied on my oration -- And many a homeboy I've released from an L.A.P.D. station..." How can you not have fun? Come see us on Saturday the 23rd, (matinee and evening at 2 and 8) on Friday the 28th at 8; and Sunday, July 1 at 7 -- at the Ivy Substation on Venice in Culver City, 818.506-VINA. My talented and goofy wife, Melinda Peterson, was forced to drop out of the production after sustaining various fractures to essential parts of her lovely body in a single-vehicle accident, Friday week. She has been ably replaced by Gigi Bermingham, but the cast misses her very much. Now that she's resting at home, we wish her a speedy recovery so that she can go off to the Milwaukee Rep in September to play an 87-year-old woman in Lilian Garret-Groag's "The Magic Fire." If she uses a cane in the role, I hope she'll only be acting!
++++++++++++(JUNE 18, 2001)++++++++++ * FIRESIGN:www.firesigntheatre.com * FIREZINE:www.firezine.net * FIRESIGN STUFF:www.lodestone-media.com * FUNNY TIMES:www.funnytimes.com PLANET PROCTOR (C) 2001 by Phil Proctor
Hi,
I haven't sent in the jokes in awhile, because of the Depression that the country is in. I am talking about the Humor Depression the country has been in the since the election. I know I am feeling less humorous, even though I think what's been going on is a joke. I think a lot of the humor has left the United States for cheaper Third World laughs. The air quality index of jokes is a lot lower than it used to be, and more and more people are not laughing anymore.
A lot of people have been wondering about the face on Mars. Let's put that to rest on my Photo Links Page. See a close-up of the structure, which is simply a very large mountain. Let's take a 360 degree tour of Chicago's museums. BMW films has a new one out called, "Star". It's all at http://funandmagic.com/
A couple of F-15's fighters are escorting a C-130 Hercules, and their pilots are chatting with the pilot of the old transport plane to pass the time. Talk comes around to the relative merits of their respective aircraft.
The fighter pilots contend that their airplanes were better because of their superior speed, maneuverability, weaponry, and so forth, and pointed out the Hercules deficiencies in these areas.
After taking this for a while, the C-130 pilot says, "Oh yeah? Well, I can do a few things in this old girl that you'd only dream about."
Naturally, the fighter pilots challenge him to demonstrate.
"Just watch," comes the quick retort.
And so they watch. But all they see is that C-130 continuing to fly straight and level.
After several minutes the Hercules pilot comes back on the air, saying "There! How was that?"
Not having seen anything, the fighter pilots reply, "What are you talking about? What did you do?"
And the Hercules pilot replies, "Well, I got up, stretched my legs, got a cup of coffee, then went into the back and took a leak."
=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-
The Top 15 Rejected Cocktail Names
14 Harvey Ballbuster 13 Gin & Colonic 12 Slow Uncomfortable Spew 11 Scabby Mary 10 Sullen Masturbation on the Beach 9 Wrung-Out Bar Rag on the Rocks with a Twist 8 Bloody Navel 7 Blatant Reference To Sexual Activity 6 The Slutmaker 5 Long Island Iced Pee 4 Screaming Hangover 3 Buttery Pimple 2 Elian on the Beach 1 Sex With Your Wife
=-=-=-=-=-=--=-=
"Winterize your lawn," the big sign outside the garden store commanded. I've fed it, watered it, mowed it, raked it and watched a lot of it die anyway. Now I'm supposed to winterize it? I hope it's too late. Grass lawns have to be the stupidest thing we've come up with outside of thong swimsuits! We constantly battle dandelions, Queen Anne's lace, thistle, violets, chicory and clover that thrive naturally, so we can grow grass that must be nursed through an annual four-step chemical dependency.
Imagine the conversation The Creator might have with St. Francis about this:
"Frank you know all about gardens and nature. What in the world is going on down there in the Midwest? What happened to the dandelions, violets, thistle and stuff I started eons ago? I had a perfect, no-maintenance garden plan. Those plants grow in any type of soil, withstand drought and multiply with abandon. The nectar from the long-lasting blossoms attracted butterflies, honey bees and flocks of songbirds. I expected to see a vast garden of colors by now. But all I see are these green rectangles."
"It's the tribes that settled there, Lord. The Suburbanites. They started calling your flowers 'weeds' and went to great extent to kill them and replace them with grass."
"Grass? But it's so boring. It's not colorful. It doesn't attract butterflies, birds and bees, only grubs and sod worms. It's temperamental with temperatures. Do these Suburbanites really want all that grass growing there?"
"Apparently so, Lord. They go to great pains to grow it and keep it green. They begin each spring by fertilizing grass and poisoning any other plant that crops up in the lawn."
"The spring rains and cool weather probably make grass grow really fast. That must make the Suburbanites happy."
"Apparently not, Lord. As soon as it grows a little, they cut it -- sometimes twice a week."
"They cut it? Do they then bale it like hay?"
"Not exactly, Lord. Most of them rake it up and put it in bags."
"They bag it? Why? Is it a cash crop? Do they sell it?"
"No, sir. Just the opposite. They pay to throw it away"
"Now let me get this straight. They fertilize grass so it will grow. And when it does grow, they cut it off and pay to throw it away?"
"Yes, sir."
"These Suburbanites must be relieved in the summer when we cut back on the rain and turn up the heat. That surely slows the growth and saves them a lot of work."
"You aren't going believe this Lord. When the grass stops growing so fast, they drag out hoses and pay more money to water it so they can continue to mow it and pay to get rid of it."
"What nonsense! At least they kept some of the trees. That was a sheer stroke of genius, if I do say so myself. The trees grow leaves in the spring to provide beauty and shade in the summer. In the autumn they fall to the ground and form a natural blanket to keep moisture in the soil and protect the trees and bushes. Plus, as they rot, the leaves form compost to enhance the soil. It's a natural circle of life."
"You better sit down, Lord. The Suburbanites have drawn a new circle. As soon as the leaves fall, they rake them into great piles and have them hauled away."
"No! What do they do to protect the shrub and tree roots in the winter and keep the soil moist and loose?"
"After throwing away your leaves, they go out and buy something they call mulch. They haul it home and spread it around in place of the leaves."
"And where do they get this mulch?"
"They cut down trees and grind them up."
"Enough! I don't want to think about this anymore. Saint Catherine, you're in charge of the arts. What movie have you scheduled for us tonight?"
"Dumb and Dumber, Lord. It's a real stupid movie about..."
"Never mind I think I just heard the whole story."
-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-
Flight seven-oh-niner has a pretty rough time above the ocean. Suddenly a voice comes over the intercom: "Ladies and gentlemen, please fasten your seat belts and assume crash positions. We have lost our engines and we are trying to put this baby as gentle as possible down on the water".
"Oh stewardess! Are there any sharks in the ocean below?" asks a little old lady, terrified.
"Yes, I'm afraid there are some. But not to worry, we have a special gel in the bottle next to your chair designed especially for emergencies like this. Just rub the gel onto your arms and legs".
"And if I do this, the sharks won't eat me?" asks the little lady.
"Oh, they will eat you all right, only they won't enjoy it so much".
-=-=-=-=-=-==-
An aspiring young actor asked a young lady's father if he could have his daughter's hand in marriage. The father said, "I would never let my daughter marry an actor."
The actor said, "Sir, I think you may change your mind if you see me perform. Won't you at least come and see the play?"
So the father went to see the play, and the next day he called the actor, "You were right. I did change my mind. Go ahead and marry my daughter. You're no actor."
-=-=-=-=-=--=
Bizarre Headlines from US Newspapers
Deer Kill 17,328 New Vaccine may Contain Rabies Woman Improving After Fatal Crash Lawyer Says Client is Not That Guilty Couple Slain, Police Suspect Homicide Local High School Dropouts Cut in Half Juvenile Court to Try Shooting Defendant Legislator Wants Tougher Death Penalty Old School Pillars are Replaced by Alumni Include Your Children When Baking Cookies After Detour to California Shuttle Returns to Earth Something Went Wrong in Jet Crash, Experts Say Man Jumps Off Bridge. Neither Jumper nor Body Found Publicize Your Business Absolutely Free! Just send $6.00.
-=-=-=-=-=-=
A woman was sitting in the doctor's office when he came in and said, "Mrs.Jones, this isn't a urine sample you brought in. It's apple juice."
"Oh my god" she said, "I've got to get to a phone."
"Why?" asked the doctor?
"I may have packed the other bottle in my husbands lunch box."
-=-=-=-=-=---=-=
A Mom is driving a little girl to her friend's house for a play date.
"Mommy," the little girl asks, "how old are you?"
"Honey, you are not supposed to ask a lady her age," the mother warns. "It is not polite."
"OK," the little girl says, "how much do you weigh?"
"Now really," the mother says, "these are personal questions and really none of your business."
Undaunted, the little girl asks, "Why did you and daddy get a divorce?"
"That is enough questions, honestly!"
The exasperated mother walks away as the two friends begin to play.
"My Mom wouldn't tell me anything," the little girl says to her friend.
"Well," said the friend, "all you need to do is look at her drivers license.
It is like a report card, it has everything on it."
Later that night the little girl says to her mother, "I know how old you are, you are 39."
The mother is surprised and asks, "How did you find that out?"
"I also know that you weigh 140 pounds."
The mother is past surprise and shock now. "How in heavens name did you find that out?"
"And," the little girl says triumphantly, "I know why you and daddy got a divorce."
"Oh really?" the mother asks. "Why?"
"Because you got an F in sex."
-=-=-=-=-=-=-=--
A Sunday School teacher of preschoolers told her students that she wanted each of them to have learned one fact about Jesus by the next Sunday.
The following week she asked each child in turn what he or she had learned.
Susie said,
"He was born in a manger."
Bobby said,
"He threw the money changers out of the temple."
Little Johnny said,
"He has a red pickup truck but he doesn't know how to drive it."
Curious, the teacher asked,
"And where did you learn that, Johnny?"
"From my Daddy," said Johnny. "Yesterday we were driving down the highway, and this red pickup truck pulled out in front of us and Daddy yelled at him, 'Jesus Christ! Why don't you learn how to drive?'"
-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=
Did you hear about the blonde who got a Toy Poodle for her Birthday?? She Killed It Trying To Get The Batteries Up It's Ass!
If a blonde who dyes her hair brown is "Artificial Intelligence," what would you call a brunette who bleached her hair blonde? "Artificial stupidity?"
-=-=-=-=-=-=-
What do you call a blonde with two brain cells? Pregnant with twins.
Why was the blonde reviewing the ABCs? She was studying for a multiple choice test.
A bleached blonde and a natural blonde were on top of the Empire State Building. How do you tell them apart? The bleached blonde would never throw bread to the helicopters.
-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=
LAWS OF SLOW PEOPLE
1. Slow people always walk side by side, even if they don't know each other.
2. They drive side by side, too. If they can't find another slow driver to pair up with, they drive in the fast lane.
3. Slow walkers never look back. When they drive, they never look in their rearview mirrors, either.
4. Slow people drift sideways so they'll block the path of anyone trying to pass them. If two people or vehicles are trying to get around them at the same time, they drift into the path of the one that is moving at the highest speed.
5. Follow behind a slow person in the grocery store and you'll wind up with soggy ice cream every time.
-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=
Ten best things to say if you get caught sleeping at your desk: 10."They told me at the blood bank this might happen." 9. "This is just a 15-minute power nap like they raved about in that time management course you sent me to." 8. "Whew! Guess I left the top off the white out. You probably got here just in time." 7. "I wasn't sleeping, I was meditating on the mission statement and envisioning a new paradigm." 6. "I was testing my keyboard for drool resistance." 5. "I was doing a highly specific Yoga exercise to relieve work-related stress. Do you discriminate against people who practice Yoga?" 4. "Why did you interrupt me? I had almost figured out a solution to our biggest problem." 3. "The coffee machine is broken." 2. "Someone must have put decaf in the wrong pot." 1. "Amen."
-===-=-=-=-=-==
One morning, while shaving, John was cursing and swearing so loudly it attracted the attention of Vickie who was preparing breakfast in the kitchen.
"What's the matter?" she called out.
"My razor - it won't cut!" he answered.
"Don't be silly, dear!" she declared. "You mean to tell me your beard is tougher than linoleum?".
Have a magic day and pass it on. Magic Mike http://funandmagic.com/
Hi, I actually haven't had much to say, but it won't be now. I just thought I would forward the latest Planet Proctor Orbit from Hollywood. Phil mentioned in his letter the passing of Douglas Adams. I guess he is now hitchhiking his way through the Galaxy somewhere. I hope he remembered to take his guide book.
Subject: PP 2001.12 Date: Fri, 1 Jun 2001 18:12:03 -0400 From: phil proctor <PProctor@compuserve.com To: 3 <pproctor@compuserve.com
(((((((((((((((((((( PLANET PROCTOR 2001.12 - http://www.planetproctor.com
"He hoped and prayed that there wasn't an afterlife. Then he realized there was a contradiction involved here and merely 'hoped' that there wasn't an afterlife." - Douglas Adams, "The Hitchhikers Guide to the Galaxy"
BUG OFF! Sam Longoria, soon to be the producer/director of the first all-digital Western, "Surreal West", informs us that the Y2K bug finally reared its ugly head in Portland, Maine, by supplying new car buyers with ownership titles to "horseless carriages. By misreading 2000 as 1900, the DMV computer printed the titles for all vehicles produced "before 1916."
"The universe, she is a bitch." - Norman MacNeal
MADE IN THE SHADE I started the day early when my alarm clock (Made In Japan) went off at 6 a.m., and while my coffeepot (Made In China) perked, I shaved with my electric razor (Made In Hong Kong). I put on a dress shirt (Made In Sri Lanka), designer jeans (Made In Singapore) and tennis shoes (Made In Korea). After making breakfast in my new electric skillet (Made In India) I sat down with my calculator (Made In Mexico) to see how much I could afford to spend today. After setting my watch (Made In Taiwan) to the radio (Made In India) I got in my car (Made In Germany) to continue my search for a good paying job. At the end of yet another fruitless day, I needed to relax so I slipped into some sandals (Made In Brazil), poured myself a glass of wine (Made In France), turned on the TV (Made In Indonesia), and then wondered why I can't find a decent job -- here in AMERICA.
"It's great to be known, but it's even better to be known as strange." - "Iron Chef's" Gourmet Chairman, Takeshi Kaga
COMING UP ZERO Our webmaster, Tiny Dr. Tim, spotted this on CBN.com. In order to protect President Bush from the so-called "Zero-Year Curse which has purportedly led to the death of seven serving presidents, a splinter group of religious leaders are calling for "reaffirming warfare prayer". Although they claim that the curse was actually broken "due to widespread nationwide prayer" after the 1980 election of Ronald Reagan who survived an assassination attempt, Gary Bergel, the present president of IFA (Intercessors for America), feels that it's imperative for Christians to "reaffirm the cancellation of the former curse, and cancel prophetic predictions...that 'the 2000-elect must die,' because of Zodiac 'conjunctions' and numerological calculations purportedly showing ominous 'vectors' for the new president." (What did that man say?)
"Mammals claiming to have divine authority are serious pests." - Author Christopher Hitchens in Brad Schreiber's "Development Hell". THIS IS REALLY -- TO GO! Spaced-out Seth Asa sent us an article he found at SPACE.com, announcing that "the world's first space-consumable pizza" was delivered to the International Space Station and promptly devoured by ravenous astronauts. The vacuum-sealed pizza, baked by the crew in an onboard oven, was the culmination of almost a year's collaboration between Pizza Hut and Russian nutritionists and was topped with salami because "researchers found that pepperoni did not withstand the 60-day testing process", the company somewhat cryptically said. "Wherever there is life," said Dallas-based chief marketing officer Randy Gier, "there will be Pizza Hut..." Buurrrp... "Voices should not be forced; that is to say 'cartoony'...Yes, these are animated cereal noises, to be sure, but the character should come organically from the actors' voices & delivery. It's the subtle difference between acting and performing." - Directions for the voices of "Snap, Crackle & Pop"
MONKEY SEE. . . A young family moved into a house next door to a vacan't lot when one day a construction crew turned up to start building a house. The young family's 6-year-old daughter naturally took an interest in all the activity going on next door and eventually the construction crew -- gems in the rough all -- more or less adopted her as a kind of project mascot and gave her little jobs to do here and there to make her feel important. At the end of the first week they even presented her with a pay envelope containing a dollar. Her mother suggested that they take the dollar to the bank to start a savings account, and once there, the teller asked the little girl how she had come by her very own pay check at such a young age, to which she proudly replied, "I've been working with a crew building a house all week."
"My goodness gracious," said the teller, "and will you be working on the house again this week, too?" "I will," the little girl replied, "if those useless c*cksuckers at the lumberyard ever bring us the f*cking wood." (From George's "Take A Break")
"Carpe diem parum testicles -- Seize the day by the balls!" - Comedian Dana Snow
CAT/DOG/SAME THING Cats do as they like. They rarely listen to you. They are totally unpredictable. When you want to play, they want to be alone. When you want to be alone, they want to play. They expect you to cater to their every whim. They are moody. They leave hair everywhere. They drive you nuts and cost an arm and a leg. * Conclusion: They are tiny women in fur coats. Dogs lie around all day, sprawled on the most comfortable piece of furniture in the house. They can hear a package of food opening half a block away, but they don't hear you when you are in the same room. They growl when they are not happy. When you want to play, they want to play. When you want to be alone, they want to play. They are great at begging. They will love you forever if you rub their tummies. They leave their toys everywhere. They do disgusting things with their mouths and then try to give you a kiss. * Conclusion: They are little men in fur coats. (Ivan's Jokes))
"Tolerance of dissent is the hallmark of a mature party, and it is well past time for the Republican Party to grow up."- Senator John McCain SEX AND THE SINGLE COUNTRY A recent survey states that the average Briton has sex 2,580 times in his or her life, with five different people, and some 42 percent of married Brits manage a bit of sex on the side. Italians, long regarded as sex legends, are the least sexually active people in Europe...less than 100 times a year; and when they do do it, it takes less time -- 14 minutes. But Thailand produces sprinters who do it the quickest, 10 minutes on average; and Brazilians have the greatest endurance, lasting an average of 30 minutes. But who's counting...
"I think a good commercial would be to show how Tide Detergent can wash the stain out of the Shroud of Turin. The slogan could be: 'Tide, more powerful than God!'" - Damon Milhem
YOU ARE NOT STARVING WRITER? Hello. You are a not starving writer? If so, you do not need to read it. Please, read it if you are a starving writer and want to graduate from it by ones and twos. Have you recognized that writing a book or article is an inefficient and troublesome work? I am a Japanese writer in Japan. Last summer, my 2 English books were published in USA. Title: How to Good-bye Depression (If you constrict anus 100 times everyday, Malarkey or Effective Way?), Rejuvenation and Unveiled Hidden Phenix. Since then, I have sitten in front of my PC and hustle to promote my books for 10 hours everyday. Fortunately or barely, the book How to Good-bye Depression sales ranking (amazon.com) has decreased to less than 10,000 since January. You know. Less than 10,000 looks like Mount Everest for all authors. I can make $1.50-2.00 per book sale. Please, click here. Check it free. Change your life. URL:http://www.ngtools.com/fmain.php?D=hnishi56&A=a04
"The professor asked a slow student if he knew what Roe vs. Wade was about. He answered, 'That was the decision George Washington had to make when he decided to cross the Delaware.'" - Jack's Jokes
FINAL FIRESIGN Larrry from the alt.comedy.firesgn-thtre group writes that the season finale of "Earth: Final Conflict" had a Firesign line delivered to an alien asking to be killed rather than to suffer a lingering death because the "core energy" he needed to live forever could not be replenished. The actual dialog was something like, "Oh, so it's give me immortality or give me death?" (Oh, so Firesign Theatre can't write for episodic?)
"The DVD release of "Cast Away" will feature...perhaps the first tribute to a volleyball, a featurette called "Wilson: The Life and Death of a Hollywood Extra." - USA Today
THE PIDGIN PRAYER "God, you our Fadda. You stay inside da sky. We like all da peopo know fo shua how you stay, an dat you good an spesho inside, an we like dem give you plenny respeck. We like you come king ova hea now. We like everybody make jalike you like, ova hea inside da world, alike da angel guys up inside da sky make jalike you like. "Give us da food we need fo every day. Let us go, an hemo our shame fo all da kine bad stuff we do to you, jalike us guys let da odda guys go awready, an we no stay huhu wit dem fo all da kine bad stuff dey do to us. No let us get chance fo do bad kine stuff, but take us outa dea, so da Bad Guy no can hurt us. Cuz you our king, You get da real power, an You stay awesome foeva. Dass it!" Ya, bro, it's the Lord's Prayer (Matt 6:9-13) in "Da Jesus Book", Hawaiian Pidgin, sent by Garry Margolis
"Pianos Tuned in any language" - English piano tuner's business card
RAWHIDE IN THE DARK Rollin', rollin', rollin', though the state is golden, Keep them blackouts rollin', statewide. A little colder weather, And we all freeze together, wishin' more plants were on the line. Turn 'em on, turn 'em off, shut 'em down, block 'em out, Turn 'em on, turn 'em off, statewide! Brown 'em out, black 'em out, charge 'em more, give 'em less, Let the pols fix the mess, statewide! Hyaah!! (Author Unknown) "Jesus saves us from HellO DOLLY REVIVALS" - graffiti near the LA Music Center from Chuck White GONE BUT NOT LOST Crooner Perry Como, cockney comic elf Joe Baker, KFI's gay radio host Andrew Howard - all suddenly gone. But it was the passing of author Douglas Adams of a single, massive heart attack at the ludicrous age of 49 while exercising in a Santa Barbara gym, that created the most flap - of towels, no less; and by complete coincidence, on the day he died, an asteroid was named "arthurdent". "He probably wrote one of the greatest radio comedy series ever; certainly the most imaginative," said, Geoffrey Perkins, BBC's head of comedy and Adams' original producer. Meanwhile, the "Hitchhiker" screenplay, which Douglas moved here to write, is in turnaround at Disney. "Over? Did you say 'over?' Nothing is over until we decide it is! Was it over when the Germans bombed Pearl Harbor? Hell no!" - Bluto in "Animal House", Film Threat Weekly
YOU WANT? Finally, we open "Legal Briefs" in rep with "Mercadet" at the Ivy Substation on Venice near Beverly Drive in Culver City next week. If you want to come see us, let me know and I'll send you a JPEG with all the info. Or just call 818.506-VINA for information and reservations. The Judge has spoken!
"If I were the Michelin man, I'd do a stand-up comedy routine, knocking 'em dead right from the start with "I just got here, and boy, are my arms tires." - J. Hutter
++++++++++++(JUNE 1, 2001)++++++++++ * FIRESIGN:www.firesigntheatre.com * FIREZINE:www.firezine.net * FIRESIGN STUFF:www.lodestone-media.com * FUNNY TIMES:www.funnytimes.com PLANET PROCTOR (C) 2001 by Phil Proctor
-- Have a magic day and pass it on. Magic Mike http://funandmagic.com/
Learn how to perform for fun or profit. http://funandmagic.com/lessons.html/ High speed dial-up for free! http://ld.net/?phon4less NEVER SEND SPAM. IT IS BAD.
Hi, The jokes have been piling up so, out they go. Today's photo link is the Saturn rocket taking off 40 years ago to begin the mission to land on the Moon. Hey, let's take a 360 degree tour of Bermuda! Have you enjoyed the thrilling car chases and surprise endings from BMWFilms? This new one is The Follow. See them at http://funandmagic.com/photolinks2.htm . You can order a tape of my goal setting talk, that I gave at BMW of San Francisco, called "How To Accomplish The Impossible". http://funandmagic.com/magicmikeimpossible.htm I'm having a hard timing concentrating. The woman from The Love Shop is advertising on TV that their panties are half off. It takes my mind off our "Action Administration". "Action Administration" means take action quick, before they find out what we're doing and kick us out. These people will say anything, and we won't be getting Arpege. Education President that cuts 100,000 teachers, Environment President that increases arsenic water and carbon skies, with words like Clean Coal and Safe Nuclear as the next course. Cuts aid to scientists guarding Russia's nuke plants from blowing up or being sold. Takes the tiniest victory in politics to mean a mandate, and says honest decency will be in office, while selling out our wilderness and jacking us up for oil and energy windfalls. Did you see it buried on page five that the trashing of the White House and the plane were all false? A total lie. Yep, just a little ditty to spin you out of control. Give it back to the rich, or give it back to the people? You pick. I can't concentrate. The girl on TV says her panties are half off.
The veterinarian told the blonde that her dog needed some exercise. You need to make sure the dog runs around, the doctor said. Try playing a game of fetch.
I can't play fetch with my dog, the blonde said.
Why not? the doctor asked.
Because, she replied, He can't throw.
---=-=-=-=-=-=
Length of beard an average man would grow if he never shaved: 27.5 feet.
Amount of time an average man spends shaving: 3350 hours.
Number of whiskers on the face of the average man: 30,000.
Number of inches whiskers grow per year 5.5.
-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-
A TEENAGER IS...
-A person who can't remember to walk the dog but never forgets a phone number.
-A weight watcher who goes on a diet by giving up candy bars before breakfast.
-A youngster who receives her allowance on Monday, spends it on Tuesday, and borrows it from her best friend on Wednesday.
-Someone who can hear his favorite singer 3 blocks away but not his mother calling from the next room.
-A whiz who can operate the latest computer without a lesson but can't make a bed.
-A student who spends 12 minutes studying history and 12 hours studying for her driver's license.
-A connoisseur of 2 kinds of fine music--loud and very loud.
-An enthusiast who has the energy to bike for miles but is usually too tired to dry the dishes.
-A young woman who loves the cat and tolerates the brother.
-A romantic who never falls in love more than once a week.
-A budding beauty who never smiles until her braces come off.
-A boy who can sleep till noon on any Saturday he suspects the lawn needs mowing.
-An original thinker who is positive that her mother was never a teenager.
-=-=-=-=-=-=-=
A cop pulls a guy over for weaving across two lanes of traffic.
He walks up to the driver's window and asks, "You drinkin'?"
The driver said, - "Well that depends - You buyin'?"
=-=-=-=-=-=-=
Two men are approaching each other on a sidewalk. Both are dragging their right foot as they walk. As they meet, one man looks at the other knowingly, points at his foot and says, "Vietnam, 1969." The other hooks his thumb behind him and says, "Dog, 20 feet back."
-=-=-=----=
If women didn't exist, all the money in the world would have no meaning. Aristotle Onassis
-=-=-=-=--=-
I believe you should place a woman on a pedestal, high enough so you can look up her dress. Steve Martin
-=-=-=-=-=-=-
A salesman, tired of his job, gave it up to become a policeman. Several months later, a friend asked him how he liked his new role.
"Well," he replied, "the pay is good and the hours aren't bad, but what I like best is that the customer is always wrong."
-=-=-=-=-=
A defendant was asked if he wanted a bench trial or a jury trial.
"Jury trial," he replied.
"Do you understand the difference?" asked the judge.
"Sure," replied the defendant. "That's where twelve ignorant people decide my fate instead of one."
-=-=-=-=-=-=-=
Two buffalo were standing on the range when a passing tourist said:
"Those are the mangiest, scroungiest, most moth-eaten miserable beasts I have ever seen."
One of the buffalo turned to the other and said:
"You know, I think I just heard a discouraging word."
-=-=-=-=-=-=-
A police officer pulls a guy over for speeding and has the following exchange:
Officer: May I See your driver's license?
Driver: I don't have one. I had it suspended when I got my 5th DUI.
Officer: May I see the owner's card for this vehicle?
Driver: It's not my car. I stole it.
Officer: The car is stolen?
Driver: That's right. But come to think of it, I think I saw the owner's card in the glove box when I was putting my gun in there.
Officer: There's a gun in the glove box?
Driver: Yes sir. That's where I put it after I shot and killed the woman who owns this car and stuffed her in the trunk.
Officer: There's a BODY in the TRUNK?!?!?
Driver: Yes, sir.
Hearing this, the officer immediately called his captain. The car was quickly surrounded by police, and the captain approached the driver to handle the tense situation:
Captain: Sir, can I see your license?
Driver: Sure. Here it is.
It was valid.
Captain: Who's car is this?
Driver: It's mine, officer. Here's the owner' card.
The driver owned the car.
Captain: Could you slowly open your glove box so I can see if there's a gun in it?
Driver: Yes, sir, but there's no gun in it.
Sure enough, there was nothing in the glove box.
Captain: Would you mind opening your trunk? I was told you said there's a body in it.
Driver: No problem.
Trunk is opened; no body.
Captain: I don't understand it. The officer who stopped you said you told him you didn't have a license, stole the car, had a gun in the glovebox, and that there was a dead body in the trunk.
Driver: Yeah, I'll bet the lying s.o.b. told you I was speeding, too
-=--=-=-=-=-=-=-
The Essential Guide to Women's English: Yes = No No = Yes Maybe = No I'm sorry = You'll be sorry We need = I want It's your decision = My correct decision should be obvious by now Do what you want = You'll pay for this later We need to talk = I need to complain Sure go ahead = I don't want you to I'm not upset = Of course I'm upset, you moron You're so manly = You need a shave and you sweat a lot Be romantic, turn out the lights = I have flabby thighs This kitchen is so inconvenient = I want a new house I want new curtains = carpeting, furniture, and wallpaper I heard a noise = I noticed you were almost asleep Do you love me? = I'm going to ask for something expensive How much do you love me? = I did something today you're going to hate I'll be ready in a minute = Kick off your shoes and find a good game on TV You have to learn to communicate = Just agree with me Are you listening to me!? = [Too late, you're dead]
-=-=----=
One night in Paris, an American tourist dropped into a sidewalk cafe late one night and, after a couple of drinks, realized he was the last person in the bar except for a man sleeping at one of the tables. The man called the proprietor over and asked for his bill.
"Would monsieur care for another drink?" asked the Frenchman.
"No thanks, I imagine you want to close up. Why don't you send that other fellow home?"
"Well, I should," said the Frenchman, "But each time I wake him up he asks for the bill and pays it again."
=--=-=-=-=-=-
"Do you have 'Eyes of Blue' and 'A Love Supreme'?" she asked.
"Well, no," answered the puzzled homeowner. But I have a wife and eleven children."
"Is that a record?" she inquired.
"I don't think so," replied the man, "but it's as close as I want to get."
-- Have a magic day and pass it on. Magic Mike http://funandmagic.com/
Hi,
Today's Photolinks choice is particularly fitting, like synchronicity. When you shine a light through a prism, or a drop of water you get a defracton pattern. Well, that's not today's picture. This drop of water is a stellar mass rotating around a black hole. The picture made me think of radiating lines of thought.
You know how they say, "walk a mile in my shoes"? I dare you to walk a mile or 30 minutes in my shoes. What I mean is, I had a very interesting time surfing. I am going to include my history and I'd like you to start with the top 1 and work your way down to the bottom. I started off searching for leptins, to burn fat cells. I ended up realizing after a futile search for a natural source of leptins, with the thought that one could think up leptins to grow at a greater rate in the stomach, a natural area for leptins production. I then went to search for articles on Mind, which took me to pages on psychology and cognitive research. That took me to some very technical papers one of which I am sending you today, along with these links, instead of my normal jokes. This article explains the phenomenon of synchronization in fireflies timing to go off at once. It's a simple little paper on synchronous networks of interacting modulations in large populations. Not quite the blonde joke you are expecting. You won't be able to understand most of the terms in the articles but you will get some sense of overall meaning, which caused me to look up Gestalt Therapy, what else? While searching for sources in the brain for perception, I ended up searching for intelligent life in the universe. I ended up at Seti, and Seti@home, where you can search for intelligent life in universe on your home computer just as I am doing right now as I dictate this letter on my Dragon NaturallySpeaking. You see, they have a lot of data, more than their computers can handle. I downloaded the screen saver which is analyzing data right now that was recorded on January 2nd by the Arecibo radio Observatory in the 1.419853518 the Hz frequency. I'm searching for triple spikes. And if I do discover something my name will be associated with the credit of the discovery. You see what I mean when you get to that place in my history. I finally ended up exploring the topic "remote viewing". I ended up at skepdic.com which is very interesting, and which I highly recommend. This led me to end the evening reading a transcript of an Art Bell show, with a Major who was in the CIA program on "Remote Viewing" to see buildings and people, and a web site called PsiTech. Among other things, they found a blockage after an operation.
Go to each link in this history, skim over stuff you don't fully understand, just read it lightly. As they said on "Laugh-In", very interesting. By the way, don't forget to do a search for gemstone files and Opal files. The Opal files will knock you on your ass, if the gemstone files didn't do it already, as a preview to what came next.
Ok, the links are at the bottom of this article. Synchronous networks of interacting modulations. Classic model, new dynamics
Physical Review Letters 86, 4278-4281 (7 May 2001)
In a seminal paper1 published in 1967, Art Winfree proposed a model for the spontaneous synchronization seen in large populations of biological oscillators, such as flashing fireflies or cardiac pacemaker cells. He discovered that in a system of weakly coupled, nearly identical oscillators, increasing the coupling strength can lead to the temporal analogue of a phase transition. As the coupling strength increases beyond a threshold value, the oscillators start to synchronize, until finally they exhibit locked amplitudes and phases.
As Joel Ariaratnam and Steven Strogatz recount in a paper in this week's Physical Review Letters, Winfree's model has since been refined and applied to an incredible range of systems, from arrays of semiconductor lasers or Josephson junctions to bubbly fluids and neutrino flavour oscillations. Yet the dynamics of Winfree's original model have gone largely unexamined, owing to its mathematical intractability.
Ariaratnam and Strogatz rectify this omission by identifying a special case of Winfree's model that can be solved exactly - one in which the influence of each oscillator on another takes the form of a smooth, pulse-like function (1 + cos qi, where qi is the phase of the influencing oscillator), modulated by a sinusoidal response function (-sin qj, where qj is the phase of the oscillator receiving the stimulus). Although this response function is chosen for its tractability, the authors point out that certain biological rhythms exhibit roughly sinusoidal resetting in response to weak pulses of light.
In the limit of weak coupling and a narrow range of oscillator frequencies, Ariaratnam and Strogatz's model reduces to a well understood refinement of Winfree's model, the Kuramoto model, which is known to exhibit locked, partially locked or incoherent behaviour, depending on the values of the coupling strength k and frequency distribution width g. But the PRL authors' examination of the full k-g phase diagram for their special case reveals previously unrecognized, hybrid states, in which subsets of the oscillators behave differently, according to their natural frequencies. For example, in one such hybrid state, a collection of oscillators in the middle of the frequency range are locked together, while the slower ones are intermittently locked and the faster ones drift incoherently.
Ariaratnam and Strogatz relate their model to recent work on 'pulse-coupled oscillators', which are of interest as possible model neurons. But the authors unashamedly declare their interest to be "more mathematical than biological", and clearly revel in the discovery of "a fascinating wealth of dynamics that, curiously, escaped notice for over thirty years".
Phase Diagram for the Winfree Model of Coupled Nonlinear Oscillators JOEL T. ARIARATNAM & STEVEN H. STROGATZ In 1967 Winfree proposed a mean-field model for the spontaneous synchronization of chorusing crickets, flashing fireflies, circadian pacemaker cells, or other large populations of biological oscillators. Here we give the first bifurcation analysis of the model, for a tractable special case. The system displays rich collective dynamics as a
function of the coupling strength and the spread of natural frequencies. Besides incoherence, frequency locking, and oscillator death, there exist hybrid solutions that combine two or more of these states. We present the phase diagram and derive several of the stability boundaries analytically. Physical Review Letters 86, 4278-4281 (7 May 2001) ©2001 The American Physical Society click here for article |
For a recent Review Article by Steven Strogatz, see:
insight: review article Exploring complex networks STEVEN H. STROGATZ Nature 410, 268-276 (8 March 2001) Summary | Full Text | PDF (588 K) |
1.Winfree, A. T. Biological rhythms and the behavior of populations of coupled oscillators. J. Theor. Biol. 16, 15-42 (1967).
http://www.newscientist.com/dailynews/news.jsp?id=ns999972 9 http://www.latimes.com/news/science/science/20010514/t000 040550.html http://ads.x10.com/bluefish/bf21.htm /search?q=leptin+sources http://www.sciencenews.org/sn_arc98/7_18_98/content.htm http://www.sciencenews.org/sn_arc98/7_18_98/fob2Ref.htm /search?q=leptin+food&hl=en&lr=&safe=o ff /search?hl=en&lr=&safe=off&q=leptin+foo d+source http://www.americanheart.org/Whats_News/AHA_News_Relea ses/09-15-99_1-comment.html http://www.3iwc.riken.go.jp/CONGRESS/SYMPO/SAO0115/A A0101/RES.HTM /search?q=source+of+leptin&hl=en&lr=&s afe=off http://edumed.unige.ch/apprentissage/module1/nutrition_digesti on/apprentissage/probleme5.html /search?hl=en&lr=&safe=off&q=find+lepti n&btnG=Google+Search /search?q=leptin+source&hl=en&lr=&safe =off http://www.purdue.edu/UNS/html4ever/9611.Kim.leptin.html /search?hl=en&lr=&safe=off&q=how+to+ generate+leptin http://www.bham.ac.uk/publicat/medlines/b_medpg3.htm /search?q=cache:d32c8216375a5149:c 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-- Have a magic day and pass it on. Magic Mike http://funandmagic.com/
Hi, I haven't written in a while, and the jokes are piling up. I have a Planet Proctor for you today from last weekend.
I had a dream last week about my mother, who passed way in 1987 from cancer. I saw her face very clearly. Sunday, Mother's Day, I was about to leave for Seattle Center, and I decided to look for an "I Believe in Magic Button" and went back into my apartment. I decided to look in an old box in my closet to see if there was another button, as I had recently lost the one I had. This box on the top shelf was a bit torn, and a flap opened towards me and papers began to spill out onto me. After about 15 things had fallen, a picture of my mother landed in my hands. Very interesting. Hope you and your mom had a happy Mother's Day.
Today's desktop choices are A Parade of Spiral Galaxies. Let's also take a 360 degree tour of Portland OR, where the Dalai Lama is visiting for three days. I am not getting a chance to go.
My choice for fun movie is called "God@Heaven". It's about a little kid who decides to send e-mail to God. It runs about 20 minutes, and is at AtomFilms. See all three at the Photolinks page. I have also added Space and Science News, 20 stories about current developments in the Space Industry. I have also added Cancer News which is on my Medical Links Page. I also added How to Play Go and Movie Reviews and Trailers. Have you ever read the books "Lord of the Rings"? It is about to come out as an action in drama movie. See the trailer at my site, where you can also see a preview of the upcoming Harry Potter film. By the way, I also added your daily horoscope. Think that about does it, for now.
Top Ten Signs Your Amish Teenager Is In Trouble
10. Sometimes stays in bed until after 5 a.m.
9. In his sock drawer, you find pictures of women without bonnets.
8. Shows up at barn raisings in full "KISS" makeup.
7. When you criticize him, he yells, "Thou sucketh."
6. His name is Jebediah, but he goes by "Jeb Daddy."
5. Defiantly says, "If I had a radio, I'd listen to rap."
4. You come upon his secret stash of colored socks.
3. Uses slang expression, "Talk to the hand, 'cause the beard ain't listening."
2. Was recently pulled over for driving under the influence of cottage cheese.
1. He's wearing his big black hat backwards.
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"Drink 'til she's cute, but stop before the wedding"
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Discover wildlife! Have kids!
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A blonde walks into a bar with a pile of shit in his hands and says,"Look what I almost stepped in!"
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A blonde lady had just finished doing her CPR course and was on the lookout for a chance to try it out. As she left the shopping center she saw a man lying on the floor with a lot of people around him. Screaming "I know first aid" she ran to the person, threw her bag down, loosened all tight clothing a got ready to start mouth-to-mouth. At this stage a huge policeman tapped her on the shoulder and asked "Do you mind I am trying to arrest this man."
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A polish couple were delighted when their long wait to adopt a baby came to an end. The adoption center called and told them that they had a wonderful Russian baby boy, and the couple took him without hesitation. On the way home from the adoption center, they stopped by the local college so they each could enroll in night courses. After they filled out the forms, the registration clerk inquired, "What ever possessed you to study Russian?" The couple said proudly, "We just adopted a Russian baby, and in a year or so he'll start to talk. We just want to be able to understand him."
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Bosses are like legs. When they get to the top they become asses.
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YOU KNOW YOUR LIFE SUCKS WHEN.....
A black cat crosses your path and drops dead. You take an assertiveness training course and you're afraid to tell your wife. The candles on your cake set off your smoke alarm. Your chauffeur is on parole for car theft. You have to take out a loan just to get money for the down payment. Your children's school calls to surrender. The bride's family throws rocks instead of rice. Your wife wraps your lunch in a road map. Your plants do better when you don't talk to them. All your modeling jobs are for cartoonists. Your engagement ring is, upon closer inspection,plastic.
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A grandfather bought a hobby horse by mail order as a Christmas present for his granddaughter. The toy arrived in 189 pieces. The instructions said that it could be put together in an hour. However it took the old man two days to assemble the toy.
Finally, when it was all put together, he wrote a check, cut it into 189 pieces and mailed it off to the company.
-=--=-=-=-=-=-=-=--= **** HERE'S PHIL! **** -=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=
Subject: PP 2001.11 Date: Sat, 12 May 2001 22:07:35 -0400 From: phil proctor <PProctor@compuserve.com To: 3 <pproctor@compuserve.com
(((((((((((((((((((( PLANET PROCTOR 2001.11 - http://www.planetproctor.com "MOTHERS' MENTAL ILLNESS HAMPERS CHILDCARE" - Reuters Health Headline from Jeff Mandel YOU MOTHERS! OK, so the Greeks started it. They started everything, after the Egyptians or the Etruscans, or somebody. But in an article in the L.A. Church of Religious Science Newsletter, we learn that in the 17th century, Great Britain recognized a day every forth Sunday during Lent called "Mothering Sunday" which honored all the mothers in England. During this era, most of the peasants were servants to the rich and in residence at their masters' estates, so Mothering Sunday gave them a day off to travel home and see their moms, probably toting along a special Mothering Cake. (No Hallmark cards then...) Later, under the heady sway of Christianity, the festival was redefined to honor "Mother Church" and only over time did the two honorees become co-mingled. Then in 1907, Philadelphian Ana Jarvis campaigned to establish a nationally recognized Mother's Day; but it wasn't until 1914 that President Woodrow Wilson officially proclaimed the holiday to be celebrated on the second Sunday in May -- where most of us, except those clones without mothers -- now celebrate it.
"Women will never be equal to men until they can walk down the street with a bald head and a beer gut and still think they are beautiful." - From Patty Paul DON'T ASK. . . Jack Angel has a friend who tells his mother he's fallen in love and "Just for fun, Ma, I'm going to bring over three women and you try to guess which one I'm going to marry." The mother agrees. The next day, he brings three beautiful women into the house and sits them down on the couch. After chatting for a while, he sends them home and asks, "Okay, Ma, guess which one I'm going to marry." "The redhead in the middle," she says immediately. "You're amazing, Ma! You're right! How did you know?" "I don't like her."
"In Santa Monica, one of the homeless has a cardboard sign on his wheelchair reading: www.sparechange.beg" - Mark Kleiman
YOU ARE SUMMONED TO JURY DUTY! As was I, in reality, for service in the month of June, but it was postponed because I'll be singing the role of "The Judge" in our updated version of "Trial By Jury, L.A." Here's a teeny taste from Gilbert & Sullivan & Proctor & Apicella: "In small claims court, I danced a dance Like a semi-despondent fury, For I thought I never would hit on a chance Of addressing an L. A. jury! But I soon grew tired of coach-class journeys And Campbell's Soup and water; So I fell in love with a rich attorney's Elderly, ugly daughter!" We'll be performing it as part of "Legal Briefs", 9 times only on June 7-14th, the 23rd (matinee and evening), and closing on July 1st, in rep with Balzac's "Mercadet" at the Ivy Substation, 9070 Venice Boulevard at Culver. CALL (818) 506-VINA. (506-8462)
"Although all actors go to great pains to regulate their expressions and voices and the movements of their body, all the same it's undeniable that there are extremely few whom it is tolerable to go on watching and hearing at any length..." - Cicero, from Roger Gregg
WHO WAS THAT MASK MAN? And last Sunday's Times Calendar section ran that header in an article telling the sad tale of a break-in at our Antaeus workspace in North Hollywood. Besides all of producer/contractor, Terry Evans' hand and power tools, 24 hand-made leather and papier-mache' commedia and mystery masks created by master mask-maker John Apicella and valued at around $5,000, were also stolen. "We don't know if that means they have great taste or if they were just kids who thought the masks were cool," said artistic director, Dakin Matthews. Any information (and contributions) are welcome. Call 818.506-5436.
"When you put on a mask, you enter another world. You can become another person, or another species." - Hunter Nesbitt Spence, Yale Drama School
DOG BYTES MAN So reads the headline for a recent feature by L.A. Times writer Alex Pham about the growing number of Aibo Clubs -- gatherings of robo-pet owners who trade stories and tips about their $1,500 digital dogs. "Intellectually, I know they're not alive and yet I feel for them," says one owner, while a pseudo-pooch wrote "I called out to Bob again and again" in his doggy "diary", actually a removable memory module. "It broke my heart," said Bob. Beyond "Furbie", Sony's interactive Japanese tech toys are intricately programmed to respond to their masters, and if you visit the website at www.aibopet.com you can learn of behavior-altering "brain surgery" which will allow your little dog-bots to dance to a Madonna song. Club member Doug Thomas says, paraphrasing JFK, "The joy of Aibo is not what it can do for you, but instead what it can do with you."
"These are the sides for the teacher...Please let the actor know that Eddie is a talking dog, and they do not hear him." - T.V. casting call
WHAT WAS THAT!!!? Here follows an excerpt from "The Miracle Of Flight" by Janet Friedman's brother, Mark, concerning... Unusual Noises: First time fliers are sometimes surprised by the astonishing number of noises which airplanes make. These noises actually have a simple explanation. The airplane is in the process of coming apart in mid flight. Every sound you hear is one more bit of wear and tear on an old piece of machinery which has no business being 35,000 feet above Mother Earth. There is really nothing to worry about. FAA regulators have a system in place for assuring the regular maintenance and repair of every airplane in service. This system involves analyzing crashes and making sure that that particular crash never happens again. This means that only new crashes will occur. Eventually the airline industry will run out of ways to make airplanes crash and everything will be all right. Unfortunately this will not happen in your lifetime. Some of the most common noises which you may hear on your next flight include: * Shudder and vibration right after takeoff: This is the airplane expressing the thought, "Not again. I just did this." Machines have funny ways of expressing themselves. * Grating and grinding sound just before landing: This is the pilot extending or lowering the flaps of the airplane. Flaps are parts of the wing that make it bigger and more stable during slower flight. The sound of lowering flaps should be music to a travelers' ears. It means "We're almost there." It also means you are about to enter the most dangerous part of the flight. It's pretty easy to make an airplane take off. Point it down the runway. Run up the engines and it pretty much takes off by itself. Landing is another matter. It requires that some fatigued older (read experienced) person find this little tiny strip of concrete and lightly set down some 20 ton contraption. Nothing to worry about. * Dull thud, also just before landing: This is the pilot lowering the landing gear. It feels like someone just punched the airplane in the stomach. It is accompanied by a jolt as the airplane slows down due to increased drag. (Drag is just what it sounds like, although not what it sometimes means in other contexts, if you know what I mean.). This sound should alarm you only if you don't hear it. If for some reason you believe the pilot has forgotten to lower the landing gear then you should inform the flight crew by gesturing to them. The international signal for "the pilot forgot to lower the landing gear" is both arms crossed in an "x" above your head while you bounce up and down in your seat. * Low moan during descent: This is the sound of all the passengers on the plane experiencing pain in their ears. This is caused by the change in pressure on the inner and outer ear causing the inner ear to think seriously about exploding. This sound has nothing to do with the airplane itself. And it should gradually go away as you lose your hearing from all the air travel you do. * High pitched squeal during ascent: This is the sound of the animals in the luggage compartment saying something like: "Whoopee, I'm sure glad my wonderful owner took me on this joyful ride." Actually the poor critters are scared out of their wits. They think they have been swallowed by a great behemoth, never to see their nasty treacherous owners ever again. This too has nothing to do with the performance of the airplane, unless one of these animals is unusually large. Always ask your travel agent if the airplane you will be traveling on is scheduled to transport any of the following animals: elephants, rhinoceri, triceratops, water buffalo, wine buffalo, perrier buffalo, whales, sharks, marangos, marimbas, placidos or domingos. (To order "Miracle of Flight," send $12.00 plus $2.50 shipping and handling to FPSI publications, 7 Avenida Vista Grande, #140, Santa Fe, New Mexico 87505; or contact Mark Friedman at xfpsi@aol.com)
"I have a friend in California. His first wife left him for a woman, and his second left a woman for him." -- Overheard at a dinner in NYC by Ivan Berger CHOOSE YOUR POISON Billy Bowles says that the LAPD, The FBI, and the CIA are all trying to prove that they are the best at apprehending criminals, so a bunny rabbit was released into a forest and each of them had to catch it. The CIA goes in. They place animal informants throughout the forest. They question all plant and mineral witnesses. After three months of extensive investigations they conclude that rabbits do not exist. The FBI goes in. After two weeks with no leads they burn the forest, killing everything in it, including the rabbit, and they make no apologies. The rabbit had it coming. The LAPD goes in. They come out two hours later with a badly beaten bear. The bear is yelling: "Okay! Okay! I'm a rabbit! I'm a rabbit!
"I wrote a paper a long time ago and gave it to a friend. The next thing I know, I'm advising members of Congress [on Missle Defense]. - Jeff (Skunk) Baxter, former guitarist for Steelie Dan, the Doobie Brothers and the Firesign Theatre, in Newsweek
THE GOOD DOCTORS In a series of allegedly true doctor's tales from Garry Goodrow, it seems that one was caring for a woman from Kentucky and asked, "So how's your breakfast this morning?" "It's very good," the patient replied "except for the Kentucky Jelly." Producing a foil packet labeled KY Jelly, she continued, "I can't seem to get used to the taste," Another patient informed his cardiologist that he was having trouble with one of his medications -- the patch. "The nurse told me to put on a new one every six hours and now I'm running out of places to put it!" Yes, the man had over fifty patches on his body! (New instructions include removal of the old patch before applying a new one.) One day a doctor told a wife that her husband had died of a massive myocardial infarct. Not more than five minutes later, he heard her reporting to the rest of the family that he had died of a "massive internal fart." That'll do it. "Right now I'm having amnesia and deja-vu at the same time. I think I've forgotten this before." - From Patty Paul A REAL CASTING CALL Whenever I'm disappointed with my spot in life, I stop and think about little Jamie Scott who was trying out for a part in a school play. His mother told me that he'd set his heart on being in it though she feared he would not be chosen. On the day the parts were awarded, I went with her to collect him after school. Jamie rushed up to her, eyes shining with pride and excitement. "Guess what Mom," he shouted, and then said those words that will remain a lesson to me forever: "I've been chosen to clap and cheer." "The Bush administration is indeed compassionate. It has never seen a rich businessman for whom it did not feel compassion." - Andrew Greeley, Chicago Sun Times
TO MY MOTHER (Audre is still in the Goshen Hospital Sub-acute center and has to undergo one more minor surgical procedure next Wednesday before she can be released to her new home at Greencroft Assisted Living.) Mom, I love you.
+++++++++++(MOTHER'S DAY, 2001)++++++++++ * FIRESIGN:www.firesigntheatre.com * FIREZINE:www.firezine.net * FIRESIGN STUFF:www.lodestone-media.com * FUNNY TIMES:www.funnytimes.com * PHIL'S VO:www.cedvoices.com
PLANET PROCTOR (C) 2001 by Phil Proctor
Have a magic day and pass it on. Magic Mike http://funandmagic.com/
Hi,
Today's choice for your photo wallpaper is "the green hills of Venus". Actually, it's the black and white striped hills of Venus, about 100 kilometers of black and white striped volcanic hills. The 360 degree tour today is the Riverwalk, in San Antonio. While you're there, have a taco and an enchilada on me. Here is another comedy film for you. Remember that cute French film, "The Red Balloon"? Here is a funny sequel, 40 years later, "The Revenge of the Red Balloon". All three are on my Photolinks page. On the Recipe Page you'll find, Spanish Style Green Beans, Hazelnut Cookies, Tuna-Rice Pie, and Cinnamon Chews. I have added film clips and previews to my page of the new films about to come out. It is a daily feature. Also I have added a poll. For this week it is about capital punishment. Tell us your mind and read what others said. It's all at http://funandmagic.com .
Have you attracted commercial spam with fake return addresses? By the way, I read that you should never reply to spam, it tells them you're really there. Instead, copy the message with FULL headers and go to http://spamcop.com. You paste in a message, you click a button, and abuse letters are sent to the proper organizations.
Want to be scared out of your pants? Do a search for: gemstone opal files.
Democracy is the process by which the people are free to choose the man who will get the blame.
SIGNS THAT SOMETHING IS WRONG WITH YOUR MARRIAGE
* The FBI is regularly called in to settle arguments.
* You have his n' hers bathrooms.
* New jars have appeared in the kitchen, labelled "Anthrax" and "Cyanide."
* Sex is scheduled for a Thursday evening in the boring bit between the news and the late night sports show.
* Your in-laws are placing bets on who will get the house.
* Your spouse has a picture of you hanging on the dartboard.
* Family outings consist of you being chased out of the house by your spouse with a carving knife.
* You are desperate for your in-laws to visit so you can have someone else on which to vent your sarcastic remarks.
* Your spouse no longer reads novels in bed but stays up late studying the small print in your life insurance policy.
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We spend the first twelve months of our children's lives teaching them to walk and talk and the next twelve years telling them to sit down and shut up.
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You know your office is in the ghetto when:
1. The vending machine sells Kool-Aid and sugar in ziploc bags. 2. Plastic Runners lead to every office. 3. Company cars have rag tops and rims 4. The Logo is in graffiti 5. The hold music is Shaft 6. You're pulling six figures, and they pay you in cash 7. The President wears leather suits and silk shirts 8. The secretary wears one sponge roller 9. The office hours are 10-4 Wed thru Friday. Maybe 10. Corporate account at Motel 6 11. Somebody got shanked in a meeting 12. Company ID photo is taken in a wicker chair 13. Waiting room magazines are Right On, Jet, and Black Hair 14. When your work voicemail plays "Computer Love" 15. Dental coverage reimburses for Gold fronts 16. Payroll clerk carries petty cash in her Bra 17. Plastic covers on lobby furniture 18. Boss has a pimp cane 19. Stationary got another company's name scratched off. 20. Your VP has gotta be home by 2pm, because he's on house arrest. 21. Incense in the bathroom 22. They let you off early when the new Jordans are released 23. Your Co- Workers barbecue on the fire escape
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Sexual Emoticons
You have seen emoticon tits, and asses. Now it is time for you to take a gander at the Penises...
8 A Cold dick
8=== A Hot dick
C==(( ) Cave man dick (side view)
( .|=|. ) Tit screwing
} top view of a senior citizen's hard-on
:-) -: Smilie with an erection
:-( :- Impotent (Or let down).
:-( -8 Blue balls.
;-) o===8 Braggart.
:-\ 8o After a cold shower.
;-) ===8 Circumcised.
8-O --* Just before doubling over with pain.
:-) -^-: In need of some corrective surgery.
:-) :-... Taking a leak.
:-} -oo-: Taking matters into hand.
:-o ^^: After zipping up fly too fast.
B=D Short penis
B~~D Limp penis
B==Q Prince Albert penis
- teeny pee pee
--=-=-=-=-=-=-=-
Kyle and Justin were about to eat with the baby-sitter when 6 year old, Kyle said,
"You can't sit in Daddy's seat"
"Daddy's not home," the babysitter replied. "Since I'm responsible for you while he's gone, I can sit here. Today I'm the boss"
Justin, the 4 year old, quickly piped up,
"If you're the boss, you sit over there" pointing to his mother's chair.
-=-=-=-=-=--=-=
Two stockbrokers went to lunch. The one said to the other, "Let's relax while we eat and talk about something other than the market for once."
"Good idea. Let's talk about women."
"Okay... common or preferred?"
-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=
On their 40th wedding anniversary and during the banquet celebrating it, Tom was asked to give his friends a brief account of the benefits of a marriage of such long duration.
"Tell us Tom, just what is it you have learned from all those wonderful years with your wife?"
Tom responds, "Well, I've learned that marriage is the best teacher of all. It teaches you loyalty, forbearance, meekness, self-restraint, forgiveness -- and a great many other qualities you wouldn't have needed if you'd stayed single."
-=-=-=-=-=-=-=
Coming through the door after school one day, Little Johnny hollers out "Okay everyone in the house, please stand advised that I, Little Johnny have on this date made a complete fool of myself in sex-education class by repeating stories concerning storks as told to me by certain parties residing in this house!"
-=-=-=-=-=-=-=
The social studies teacher had just finished a unit on war and peace. "How many of you," he asked, "would say you're opposed to war?"
Not surprisingly, all hands went up. The teacher asked, "who'll give us the reason for being opposed to war?"
A large, bored-looking boy in the back of the room raised his hand.
"Johnny?" The teacher said.
"I hate war," Johnny said, "because wars make history, and I hate history."
-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=
If you have trouble getting your children's attention, just sit down and look comfortable.
-=-=-=-=-=-=-=
Yo mama is so fat...
all the restaurants in town have signs that say: "Maximum Occupancy: 250 People or YO' MAMA!!!"
-=-=-=-=-=-=-=
What do Prison Guards hate
- Inmates who don't flush after eating Chili for lunch.
- Coming up with two too many after a head count.
- Having to break up a gang bang in the shower!!
- Being asked to be the bridesmaid when two inmates tie the knot.
- The fact that the inmates get more cable channels than you do at home. ;-)
- Having a new neighbor move in next door that looks wa-a-a-y to familiar!!
- Being on a first name basis with a serial sex killer.
- Learning that your mother just announced her engagement to #93A44274!!!
-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=
A pretty woman, carrying a stack of boxes from a shopping spree, was walking down the street when all of a sudden a strong wind lifts her skirt.
-=-=-=---=-
The hillbilly standing nearby just looked and smiled. The woman snaps at him, "Well, I can see that you're no gentleman!"
The hillbilly says, "And I can see you ain't one, neither!"
-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=
My son has taken up meditation - at least it's better than sitting doing nothing. Max Kauffmann
=-=-=-=-=-=-=-
Deja Few: the feeling these are some of the same childhood friends at your 91st birthday that came to your 90th birthday party.
--=-=-=-=-=-=-=
Phronemophobia: The fear of thinking.
Pognophobia: The fear of beards.
-=-=-=-=-=-=-
"Never forget that music is much too important to be left entirely in the hands of professionals." -Robert Fulghum
-=-=-=-=-=-=-=--=-
Life is like a box of chocolates. Some of it is okay, but most of it sucks.
-=-=-=-=-=-=-=
Q. How can you identify the Polack at a Cockfight? A He's the one who brought the duck.
Q. How can you identify the Italian at the Cockfight? A. He's the one who bets on the duck.
Q. How can you tell if the Mafia is involved in the Cock fight? A. If the duck wins, they're involved.
Have a magic day and pass it on. Magic Mike http://funandmagic.com/
"Let us endeavor to live, so that when we die, even the undertaker will be sorry." - Mark Twain
Hi, Today's desktop wallpaper choice is the Guardian of the Gods in Colorado, incredible red rock formations. Since May Day recently passed, let's take a 360 degree tour of Red Square in Moscow. Remember the wild meter maid? From the same directors and producers, see "Freak Boys", a couple of nut bags from Go Sick hump phones and act crazy and spasmodic. You'll never assist in one public again after seeing this film. See these three at the photolinks page, Freak Boys will be archived also on The Stress Relief Page. Are you ready for today's recipes? Would you believe, Chicken in a Watermelon? Yes I said Chicken in a Watermelon. Also Custard Pie, Hot Mustard, Cinnamon Square Loaves, Savory Vegetable Meat Quiches, Taco Corn Bread Pizza, Fried Macaroni and Cheese, Tartar Sauce, Ice Cream Squares, another crazy recipe Beet Cake, Sweet Salad Dressing, and yet another crazy recipe Human Poppy Chow, and chocolate peanut butter cookies.
A number of people have signed up to get free high-speed cable. I really recommend it, you get three months free and a free month for every person you find. I have not paid since I signed up in September. The other day I downloaded 20 megs in four minutes. http://ld.net/?phon4less. Also, look for the link on my page. It's all at http://funandmagic.com .
A blonde was hunched over the bar, toothpick in hand, spearing futilely at the olive in her drink. A dozen times the olive eluded her. Finally, another patron, who had been watching intently from the next stool, became exasperated and grabbed the toothpick.
"Here, this is how you do it." he said, as he easily skewered the olive. "Big Deal," muttered the blonde. "I already had him so tired out, he couldn't get away."
-=--=-=-=-=-=-=-
A man walked into a bar with his alligator and asked the bartender, "Do you serve lawyers here?". "Sure do," replied the bartender. "Good," said the man. "Give me a beer, and I'll have a lawyer for my 'gator."
-=-=-=-=-=-=-=
A butcher just out of trade school in Canada applies for and gets a job, skinning and cutting up the kills of local hunters. The first job he gets is to cut up a moose to put in the freezer. He finally gets the moose cut up and is putting it into bags and marking them with the contents: chops, rump steak, ribs, sirloin, etc, etc.
When he finishes with the stuff he knows, he is still left with a pile of unidentifiable parts.
At a loss as to what to do with them, he finally puts them all into one bag and labels them..........Moosellaneous.
-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-
Definition of "Deja Moo": The feeling that you've heard this bullshit before.
-=-=-=-=-=-=-
When Doug returned to the house one evening, his wife Tammy announced that the new cleaning woman they had hired had stolen two towels.
"Yeah," said Doug very disinterested, and reclining on the sofa, "that wasn't very nice of her to do."
"You're darn right it wasn't," Tammy said. "And they were the two best towels we had... the ones we took from the Hotel while we were on vacation."
-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=
A bishop discovered a tribe of Indians in the Yukon who had never recorded a baptism, confirmation or marriage. The bishop soon rectified the situation by baptizing everyone. He also married every beaming couple that walked by.
Later, the tribal chief told the Bishop the tribe had never had so much fun.
The bishop asked the chief which part they enjoyed the most. "The marriage service," the chief said, smiling. "We all got new wives!"
=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=
Life's Great Philosophies, found on a T-shirt
Procrastinate Now. Rehab Is for Quitters. FAILURE IS NOT AN OPTION. It comes bundled with the software. That's It! I'm Calling Grandma! (seen on an 8 year old) A journey of a thousand miles begins with a cash advance. STUPIDITY IS NOT A HANDICAP. Park elsewhere! Time's fun when you're having flies.......Kermit the Frog.
-=--=-=-=-=--=-=-=-==
Barbara: One of the biggest fights my ex and I ever had was over crossword puzzles.
Shara: Crossword puzzles?
Barbara: Yeah. he wanted me to stop doing them while we were having sex.
-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=
What did the Jewish Mother bank teller say to her customer? You never write, you never call, you only visit when you need money.
What kind of cigarettes do Jewish Mothers smoke? Gefiltered.
What is the most common disease transmitted by Jewish Mothers? Guilt
-=-=-=-=--=-=-=-
After the big Superbowl party, Todd figured he better spend some quality time with his wife. He climbs upstairs, walks in the bedroom and crawls into bed. "Alright honey," he says, "Give me a play you want me to run." "How about Foreplay?" his wife replies. "What's the Four Play?" says Todd. "You know," the wife says, "It happens before the two minute warning."
-=-=-=-=-=-=-=
"I got a sweater for Christmas... I wanted a screamer or a moaner."
If flying is so safe, why do they call the airport the 'terminal'?
I don't approve of political jokes...I've seen too many of them get elected.
-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=
San Francisco has become the first US city to pay for civil employees' sex change operations. The rest rooms at San Francisco's City Hall are now labeled "Men," "Women" and "Patent Pending."
-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=
"A true friend stabs you in the front." - Oscar Wilde -=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=
"I went to the museum where they had all the heads and arms from the statues that are in all the other museums."
-- Steven Wright -=-=-=-=--=-=-=-
This is Pet Appreciation Week, a time to do something special for your pet, something they'll really appreciate, like:
* Lick your dog's face. * Bring your cat a dead bird. * Get your dog a bone and bury it for him. * Make a concerted effort to learn to purr. * Eat supper on the floor. * Spend quality time with your pet rolling around in something really awful.
-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=
Hello! You have reached the automated answering service of your school. In order to assist you in connecting the right staff member, please listen to all your options before making a selection:
To lie about why your child is absent - Press 1
To make excuses for why your child did not do his work - Press 2
To complain about what we do - Press 3
To cuss out staff members - Press 4
To ask why you didn't get information that was already enclosed in your newsletter and several flyers mailed to you - Press 5
If you want us to raise your child - Press 6
If you want to reach out and touch, slap or hit someone - Press 7
To request another teacher for the third time this year - Press 8
To complain about bus transportation - Press 9
To complain about school lunches - Press 0
--=-=-=-
Have a magic day and pass it on. Magic Mike http://funandmagic.com/
"I replaced the headlights in my car with strobe lights, so it looks like I'm the only one moving."
-- Steven Wright
Hi, Today's desktop wallpaper choice is Red Rock Mountain, in Colorado. It's a delicious photo. Let's take a 360 tour of the White House Diplomacy Room. This dignified setting is where most foreign leaders and dignitaries are greeted. It's also the entrance the family uses to into the White House from the South Lawn. Are you ready to laugh your butt off? Here is the follow-up to that Go Sick: Bad Ass Meter Maid. Yesterday he was giving tickets to pedestrians. Today he's focusing on cars. He's giving people a ticket for not putting money in the meter, BEFORE they pull into space! If there's no money in a meter, and you park, you get a ticket! And be sure you don't run over his foot with your car. I put the funniest of these films On My Stress Relief Page, also. Anyway for today, see these at my Photo links Page. Today's new editions to the Recipe Page: Ham Pancake Pie, Russian Blueberry Raspberry Pudding, Low-fat Lemon Cheesecake. It's all at http://funandmagic.com . I'm composing the top half of today's letter with my new version of Dragon NaturallySpeaking. It's allowing me hands-free dictation, and if I wish I can even use it to click on any button on my browser or, start any program from I start menu. If you know anyone with a physical disability this is perfect. If a person was blind and used this in conjunction with Willow Talk, a program that pronounces every word on any active window, they could successfully experience the Internet. in even when she moved the mouse verbally by saying the command MouseGrid. A grid appears with numbers, you pick a number and the mouse moves to that area. And you can tell the mouse to move up down left or right any number of characters. I plan to use it to do some writing, but the hard part is training it to understand you. It is important of course, to learn how to speak and pronounce each word clearly. It learns as you train it, from its mistakes. I am switching to this program called MailThem. It is Freeware and mails to everyone individually, so I don't have 150 names that some servers freak at. SO, I REALLY need you to REPLY if you didn't already, letting me know you are getting these. Don't hit reply if you did it already when I asked. Too many people on the list haven't responded so I'm asking again who is active.
I get a lot of good comments from many on this list that I send good jokes. That's because I trash so many bad ones. I only send you the best, and if I can remember sending it before, and my memory is excellent, I don't send it again. I do my best to send you something fun, new, and interesting every day. If you can, try a sponsor on my site. It helps pay the electric bill.
In a perfect world... ...a person should feel as good at 50 as he did at 17, and he would actually be as smart at 50 as he thought he was at 17. ...you could give away a baby bed without getting pregnant. ...forget-me-nots would stimulate the memory. ...pro baseball players would complain about teachers being paid contracts worth millions of dollars. ...people would always have good reasons to be optimistic. ...the mail would always be early, the check would always be in the mail, and it would be written for more than you expected. ...potato chips might have calories, but if you ate them with dip, the calories would be neutralized. ...if the guy from the government said to you, "I'm here to help," not only would he mean it, but he would do it. ...every once in a while at least, a kid who always closed the door softly would be told, "Go back and slam the door." ...the better food tasted, the less calories it would have. ...warranties would be for 13 months and products would fail at 12. ...more would be accomplished by governments when they spent more.
--=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=
The man entered the florist shop and ordered a bouquet of flowers to be delivered to his wife. When asked what he wanted on the card, he replied that no card was necessary as she'd know who they came from.
Shortly after the flowers were delivered, the florist received a phone call from the wife asking who had sent the flowers. The florist told her that the sender requested no card be included.
"Please, I've GOT to know WHO sent these flowers BEFORE my husband comes home for lunch!"
-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=
What is the definition of a bachelor? It is some guy who is depriving some woman of her God-given right to alimony.
-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-
The best reason to divorce a man is a health reason: you've got sick of him.
-=--=-=-=-=-=-=-=
Did you know that Adam and Eve had an ideal marriage? He didn't have to hear about all the men she could have married, and she didn't have to hear about the way his mother cooked.
-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=
Father: (at hospital looking through glass at newly arrived babies) "Kitchy kitchy koo. Look, she smiled...isn't she adorable?"
Friend: "But your kid didn't smile."
Father: "I was talking about the nurse."
-=-=--=-=-=-=-=
Your mama's so fat she comes from both sides of the family
-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-
My 6 year old daughter was looking at her mother lying on the bed and asked, "Mummy when I grew up will I have breasts like yours?"
My wife tried to gently explain that, "Yes, probably, although breasts come in all shapes and sizes".
My daughter immediately looked at her aghast, blurting out, "I'd absolutely HATE to have square ones!"
-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=
One of my first evenings back from overseas, my girl's understanding parents left us alone in the living room.
Naturally, we did not talk all the time. In the midst of a kiss, I noticed her little sister in her nightgown watching us from the doorway.
"If you will be a good girl and go to bed, I will give you a quarter," I said to her.
Without taking the bribe or saying a word, she ran off but soon was back again.
"Here is a dollar," she said. "I wanna watch."
-=--=-=-=-=-=-=-=
One woman was complaining to her friend, "My sex life is awful. My husband doesn't have the foggiest idea how to make me come. What's worse is, he gets mad when I try to tell him." "Do what I did," 2nd gal replied. "I told my husband that I was exactly like his Computer." "Like his Computer?" replies the 1st woman. "Yeah," the 2nd woman replied. "We both come with instructions."
=-==-=-=-=-=-
According to a new study, 63% of men surveyed said they like to settle an argument by having sex. The other 37% of the men said they would never want to get into an argument with those men. - Jay Leno
-=-=-=-=---=-=
Two guys were out walking home from work one afternoon. "Shit," the first guy said, "as soon as I get home, I'm gonna rip the wife's panties off!" "What's the rush?" his buddy asked. "The damn elastic in the legs is killing me!"
-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=
My wife had caught mononucleosis at work, and for weeks we had played cards at night, instead of doing something more intimate. After about the sixth week of this, I asked her one night, "Wanna play cards again?"
She said, "Yes, of course. I'll get the deck of cards." She disappeared from the room.
After only a few minutes, she came back wearing a bikini she'd made from the playing cards. Unbeknownst to me, she'd been released from the doctor's care that same afternoon. She just looked at me and asked,
"Wanna shuffle?"
-=-=-=-=-=-=-
A senior citizen visits his doctor for a routine check-up and everything seems fine. The doctor asks him about his sex life.
"Well..." the man drawled, "not bad at all to be honest. The wife ain't all that interested anymore, so I just cruise around. In the past week I was able to pick-up and bed at least three girls, none of whom were over thirty years old."
"My goodness Frank, and at your age too." the doctor said. "I hope you took at least some precautions."
"Yep. I may be old, but I ain't senile yet doc. I gave 'em all a phony name.
-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=
What's the difference between a lawyer and a vulture? The lawyer gets frequent flyer miles.
-====-=--=--=-=-
A blonde walked into the pet store and, after looking up and down the aisles, asked the sales clerk for help.
"I'd like a box of birdseed," said the lady.
"For which kind of bird?" he asked helpfully.
"Oh, I dunno," she replied. "Whichever will grow the fastest...."
-=-=-=-=-=-=--=-=
A government study has shown that blondes do have more fun they just don't remember with whom.
-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-
My older son loves school, but his younger brother absolutely hates it. One weekend the younger one cried and fretted and tried every excuse not to go back on Monday. Sunday morning on the way home from church, the crying and whining built to a crescendo. At the end of my rope, I finally stopped the car and explained, "Honey, it's the law. If you don't go to school, they'll put Mommy in jail."
He looked at me, thought a moment, then asked, "How long would you have to stay?"
from READER'S DIGEST
-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-
The Boston Nation," a newspaper published in Ohio during the mid-nineteenth century, had pages seven and a half feet long and five and a half feet wide. It required two people to hold the paper in proper reading position.
The term "ace" was first used during World War I for a pilot who had brought down at least five enemy aircraft. The German equivalent was Oberkanone, which meant "top gun."
A man from Madrid set a world's record for cracking 30 walnuts in 57 seconds. The unusual thing about it - he did it with his buttocks.
If hot water is suddenly poured into a glass that glass is more apt to break if it is thick than if it is thin. This is why test tubes are made of thin glass.
In 1999, to eliminate a source of noise pollution, the city of Dallas, TX USA passed a city ordinance prohibiting roosters within the city limits.
Octopi and squid can express emotion by changing the color of their skin. Normally brown, their skin can become green or blue when they are frightened or trying to attract a mate.
While on the ground, a group of geese is called a gaggle, but in the air, a group of geese is called a skein.
Leonardo da Vinci could draw with one hand and write with the other - all at the same time.
The fat molecules in goat milk are 5 times smaller than those found in cow milk. It takes 20 mins for the stomach to breakdown as opposed to the hour that it takes to break down cow milk.
Lemons contain more sugar than strawberries do.
An average bee hive has 30,000 to 60,000 bees living in it. This population is easily maintained by a queen laying 1,000 to 3,000 eggs per day.
Gulliver's first name was Lemuel in Jonathan Swift's "Gulliver's Travels."
Helen of Troy was queen of Sparta.
Ants keep slaves. Certain species, the so-called sanguinary ants for example, raid the nests of other ant tribes, kill the queen, and kidnap many of the workers. The workers are brought back to the captors' hive, where they are coerced into performing menial tasks.
Horse-racing regulations state that no race horse's name may contain more than eighteen letters. Names that are too long would be cumbersome on racing sheets. --
Hi,
Today's desktop photo is the International Space Station, seen from the approaching Shuttle Endeavor. Let's also take a 360 degree tour of Waikiki Beach in Honolulu. I have a really funny movie for you also. "Bad Ass: Meter Maid." Imagine a Black meter maid with an attitude. Now imagine, he can give you a ticket for any reason, even if it has nothing to do with a car. He can give you a ticket for you not knowing why he's giving you a ticket. See all the funny encounters and the above two photos at my Photolinks Page. On the Recipe Page look for Apple Fritters, Cherry Oatmeal Crisp, Strawberry-Orange Chicken Salad, and Apple Meatloaf.
I was watching those boobs on TV again last night, trying to tell us how cheap they are, and how much you can get for dollar, including 20 minutes of phone calls. It makes me laugh. But they don't tell you that 15 minutes is still a dollar. Only talk for five minutes it's still a dollar. If you get the answer machine it's a dollar. Did you know that don't most expensive calls are the ones you make in-state? I can save you 5 to 10 cents on your in-state calls and get your out-of-state calls for under that five cents they talk about. Look for the best rate calculator on my web site in see what the best rate for you is, where you live and where you call the most. You'll be surprised. Ask your local phone companywhat they're charging you for in-state calls. Did you know that you can have any company be your in-state provider? I use I-Phone. My out-of-state calls are 3.9 cents a minute and my in-state calls are 5.9 cents a minute. They can do that because they send me the bill over the Internet and I use autopay direct. Check it out. http://longdist.net/?phon4less .
-- Have a magic day and pass it on. Magic Mike http://funandmagic.com/
"The greater the artist, the greater the doubt; perfect confidence is granted to the less talented as a consolation prize." -Robert Hughes
Hi,
Today's desktop photo is the International Space Station, seen from the approaching Shuttle Endeavor. Let's also take a 360 degree tour of Waikiki Beach in Honolulu. I have a really funny movie for you also. "Bad Ass: Meter Maid." Imagine a Black meter maid with an attitude. Now imagine, he can give you a ticket for any reason, even if it has nothing to do with a car. He can give you a ticket for you not knowing why he's giving you a ticket. See all the funny encounters and the above two photos at my Photolinks Page. On the Recipe Page look for Apple Fritters, Cherry Oatmeal Crisp, Strawberry-Orange Chicken Salad, and Apple Meatloaf.
I was watching those boobs on TV again last night, trying to tell us how cheap they are, and how much you can get for dollar, including 20 minutes of phone calls. It makes me laugh. But they don't tell you that 15 minutes is still a dollar. Only talk for five minutes it's still a dollar. If you get the answer machine it's a dollar. Did you know that don't most expensive calls are the ones you make in-state? I can save you 5 to 10 cents on your in-state calls and get your out-of-state calls for under that five cents they talk about. Look for the best rate calculator on my web site in see what the best rate for you is, where you live and where you call the most. You'll be surprised. Ask your local phone companywhat they're charging you for in-state calls. Did you know that you can have any company be your in-state provider? I use I-Phone. My out-of-state calls are 3.9 cents a minute and my in-state calls are 5.9 cents a minute. They can do that because they send me the bill over the Internet and I use autopay direct. Check it out. http://longdist.net/?phon4less .
During a recent ecumenical gathering, a secretary rushed in shouting, "The building is on fire!"
The METHODISTS gathered in the corner and prayed.
The BAPTISTS cried, "Where is the water?"
The QUAKERS quietly praised God for the blessings that fire bring.
The LUTHERANS posted a notice on the door declaring the fire was evil.
The ROMAN CATHOLICS passed the plate to cover the damage.
The JEWS posted symbols on the doors hoping the fire would pass.
The CONGREGATIONALISTS shouted, "Every man for himself!"
The FUNDAMENTALISTS proclaimed, "It's the vengeance of God!"
The EPISCOPALIANS formed a procession and marched out.
The CHRISTIAN SCIENTISTS concluded that there was no fire.
The PRESBYTERIANS appointed a chairperson who was to appoint a committee to look into the matter and submit a written report.
The secretary grabbed the fire extinguisher and put the fire out.
-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-
"..and God Created Man"
In the Beginning, God created Heaven and Earth and then He created man: God said, "Adam, I want you to do something for me." Adam said, "Gladly, what do You want me to do?" God said, "Go down into that valley." And Adam said, "What's a valley?" And God explained it to him. Then God said, "Cross the river." And Adam said, "What's a river?" And God explained to him, and then said, "Go over to the hill." And Adam said, "What is a hill?" And God explained that to him. Then He told Adam, "On the other side of the hill you will find a cave." And Adam said, "What's a cave?" And God explained that to him, then said, "In the cave you will find a Woman." And Adam said, "What's a woman?" So God explained that to him, and said, "I want you to reproduce." And Adam said, "How do I do that?" So God explained to him. So off went Adam, down into the valley, across the river, and over the hill, and into the cave and found the woman, and in about fifteen minutes, Adam was back. God patiently replied, as He always does, "Yes... how can I help you?" And Adam said, "What's a headache?"
-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=
Brain cells come and brain cells go, but fat cells live forever. Age doesn't always bring wisdom. Sometimes age comes alone.
-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-==
The college dorm advisor heard strange noises from Todd's room, well after lights-out. He knocked on the door and said, "Mr. Todd! Are you entertaining in there?" From behind the door, Todd answered, "Just a second -- I'll ask her!"
-=--=-=-=-=-=-=-=
"I went to the hardware store and bought some used paint. It was in the shape of a house. I also bought some batteries, but they weren't included."
-- Steven Wright -=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=
A little boy was taken to the dentist. It was discovered that he had a cavity that would have to be filled.
"Now, young man," asked the dentist, "what kind of filling would you like for that tooth?"
"Chocolate, please," replied the youngster.
-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=
My sister brought her daughter a really nice Baby Grand Piano for her birthday. A few weeks later, I asked my sister how her daughter was doing.
"Oh," she said, "I persuaded her to switch to a clarinet."
"How come?" I asked.
"Because," my sister answered, "with a clarinet, she can't sing."
-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=
I took a part time job as an opinion poll sampler, calling people for their views on various issues.
On my very first call, I introduced myself, "Hello, this is a telephone poll."
The man replied, "Yeah, and this is a street light!"
-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-
Hello- This is your Mother!
*If you want my advice: PRESS 1
*If you want to argue: PRESS 2
*If you want to leave a message: WAIT FOR THE TONE
*If you want to aggravate me or borrow money: HANG UP!
-=--=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=
A woman knocked on the Pearly Gates, Her face was scarred and old. She trembled and she shook with fear, She was just about to fold. "What have you done," St. Peter asked, "to gain admission here?" "I've been a loyal AOL user, sir, for many, many years." The Pearly Gate swung open wide. St. Peter rang the bell. "Come in and choose your harp," he said, "You've had Your Share of Hell."
-=-=-=-=-=-=-=--=-=-=
Three Polish guys go out on the town, looking for a good time. The first looses no time in picking up a cute brunette, and they disappear off to her place. The second soon finds a willing redhead and they check into a motel across the street.
The third eyes an attractive blonde and asks if she wants to come back to his apartment and have a wild time.
"I'd love to" she says, "but I'm on my menstrual cycle."
'That's all right" says the Pole, "I rode my moped."
-=-=-=-=-=--
A young boy of four was going into hospital to have his tonsils removed. He told his playmate I'll be gone for awhile I have to have surgery. On the day he was admitted his mother asked Dr. could you please circumcise him while he is asleep.
The Dr. agreed. The boy woke up and was very sore down there for several days.
After about a week he got to see his playmate again. The playmate informed him that he was also going to have to have his tonsils out soon. He asked him to tell him about the surgery.
The little boy replied 'all I can tell you is your tonsils ain't where you think they are.'
-=-=--=----=
Signs You Smoke Too Much
10. In the middle of smoking a cigarette, you pause for a "cigarette break".
9. Your birthday is a state holiday in North Carolina.
8. Your title for the Surgeon General: "Captain Bringdown".
7. Cracking your knuckles leaves you winded.
6. Morning schedule: Wake up, cough for three hours, take nap.
5. In your neighborhood, they give directions by saying. "Go down to the big pile of cigarette butts...".
4. You get mattress fires more often than haircuts.
3. You smoke during sex.
2. You refer to nonsmokers as "pink-lunged sissy boys".
1. You explain to the nurse that you didn't realize you were in a "nonsmoking" iron lung.
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"I don't understand the body piercing movement. I saw one guy who had eight rings through his eyebrows. I couldn't help my- self. I ran up to him and hung a shower curtain on his face."
Have a magic day and pass it on. Magic Mike http://funandmagic.com/
Hi, Today's Photo Link choice for your desktop is a sample of the different shapes and styles of galaxies. Hey, let's go to Prague, Czechoslovakia for a 360 degree tour of the old square. The comedy film today is from Germany. It's called Hai, (shark). "Waiter, there's a shark in my coffee!" Don't forget, you need to register to see these films in full length or you will only get a one minute preview. Newly added to the Recipe of the Day: gourmet onions, crock pot Creole chicken, savory flank steak, portobello and feta sandwiches, Southwest crock pot pork and chicken stew, Pina colada wedges, oatmeal cake, easy chicken and dumplings, pork chops in sauce, tuna salad, robs corn recipe, Chocolate disappearing cake. It's all at http://funandmagic.com . When you stop by, check out the free security systems available for businesses or residents. You get $1000 worth of free equipment and just pay for the monitoring, which is under a dollar per day, which is the going rate.
" I bought a house, on a one-way dead-end road. I don't know how I got there."
-- Steven Wright
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Wrong number!
Bernard, who is noted for his gracious manners, was awakened one morning at four forty four a.m. by his ringing telephone.
"Your dog's barking, and it's keeping me awake," said an angry voice.
Bernard thanked the caller, and checked the caller I.D. for which neighbor had called.
The next morning at precisely four forty four a.m., Bernard called his neighbor back . . .
"Good morning, Mr. Williams.... Just called to say that I don't *have* a dog."
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Isn't it appropriate that the month when the taxes are due begins with April Fool's Day and ends with cries of "May Day!"?
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A nervous taxpayer was unhappily conversing with the IRS auditor who had come to review his records. At one point the auditor exclaimed, "Mr. Smith, we feel it is a great privilege to be allowed to live and work in the USA. As a citizen you have an obligation to pay taxes, and we expect you to eagerly pay them with a smile."
"Thank Goodnes," returned Mr Smith, "I thought you were going to want cash!"
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On my income tax 1040 it says, "Check this box if you are blind."
I wanted to put a check mark about three inches away.
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"The strong take from the weak, the rich take from the poor, and the government takes from everyone."
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There are two distinct classes of men... those who pay taxes and those who receive and live upon taxes. - Thomas Paine
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CONGRESS EMBRACES INTERNET TECHNOLOGY IN CAMPAIGN FINANCE REFORM
Priceline.com's stock soared and Ebay created an entire new section on their online auction site to accommodate the US Congress' overhaul of campaign financial law.
Senator John McCain, in a speech from Capitol Hill, praised his fellow Senators's choice to "name your own price" for Congressional influence. "This is significan't legislation that will turn around a stagnant economy by pouring millions into politicians' pockets."
In the new law, private citizens will be able to log onto Priceline.com and "name their own price" to influence a member of the House. Citizens wishing to purchase a Senator need to logon to Ebay.
William Jefferson Clinton has replaced William Shatner as spokesman for the new Congressional Priceline. In an "off-camera" remark, as Mr. Clinton held his crotch, he said, "This is going to be *big*, really *big*."
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Tom was so excited about his promotion to Vice President of the company he worked for and kept bragging about it to his wife for weeks on end.
Finally she couldn't take it any longer, and told him, "Listen, it means nothing, they even have a vice president of peas at the grocery store!"
"Really?" he said. Not sure if this was true or not, Tom decided to call the grocery store.
A clerk answers and Tom says, "Can I please talk to the Vice President of peas?"
The clerk replies, "Canned or frozen?"
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A white man noticed the impressive length of the black man's penis at the adjacent urinal. "Sure wish I had one like yours."
The black man replied, "You can--just tie a string around it and hang a weight on the end of the string. Put the weight down your pant leg and you can have one like mine."
The white man thanked him for the suggestion and left.
Some weeks later, they met again in the lavatory.
The black man asked how the project was going.
"Great,I'm half way there!"
"Really?" said the black man.
"Yes. It's turning black!"
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Jill: "What would you like to do today?"
Jack: "I'm not sure. Let's think..."
Jill: "No, let's do something you can do, too."
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If life deals you lemons, make lemonade; if it deals you tomatoes, make Bloody Marys.
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How do you cancel an appointment at the sperm bank? You call them up and tell them you can't cum.
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Everyday I beat my own previous record for number of consecutive days I've stayed alive. George Carlin
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Our lives are ova before they've begun.
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Interesting Facts
Tigers have striped skin, not just striped fur.
Over 10000 birds a year die from smashing into windows.
Almonds are members of the peach family.
The ant can lift 50 times its own weight, and can pull 30 times its own weight.
Ingrown toenails are hereditary.
Lobsters have blue blood.
Rock Music kills plants.
The longest recorded flight of a chicken is thirteen seconds.
The height of Mount Everest is 8.9 km (5.5 miles).
The catfish has over 27,000 taste buds, more than any other animal.
In ancient times, any Japanese who tried to leave his homeland was summarily put to death. In the 1630s, a decree in Japan forbade the building of any large ocean-worthy ships to deter defection.
Anthropologists believe that people have been making and wearing shoes for more than 8,000 years. The Egyptians wore sandals woven from papyrus leaves.
The first video game was Pong, introduced in 1972 by Noel Bushnell, who then created Atari.
The rock group Jethro Tull is named after the eighteenth-century English inventor of the seed drill.
The brass family of instruments include the trumpet, trombone, tuba, cornet, flügelhorn, French horn, saxhorn, and sousaphone. While they are usually made of brass today, in the past they were made of wood, horn, and glass.
-- Have a magic day and pass it on. Magic Mike http://funandmagic.com/
