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Magic Mike's Jokes Archive #34 Jokes from the mailbox, Magic Mailouts, NASA space photo links and other great wallpaper photos, and Firesign Phil's Planet Proctor Orbits. Back to Joke Archive Entry   Magic Mike's Joke Page Parlor   Magic Mike's Home Page "Since all phenomena, is a product of one's own mind, empty of meaning, like a magician's illusion, having nothing to do with good or bad, acceptance or rejection, one might burst out in laughter." - Longchenpa, 13th century Tibetan monk. TO FIND SOMETHING USE THE EDIT/FIND IN YOUR BROWSER (TOP LEFT CORNER). "If it wasn't hard, everyone would do it. It's the hard that makes it great." - Tom Hanks, A League of Their Own Hi, Today's photo is a wonderful photo of the NG C. 2264 nebula. Also, 360 ° tour of Florence Italy. See a funny trailer to the Pre-release of the upcoming sequel to Star Wars called Sev Wars. A full-length feature will be released in May. Recipes areOriental cauliflower,coconut custard, oregano chicken,and chocolate chip poundcake. http://funandmagic.com The lovers had decided that a mutual parting of the ways was best for both of them. However, on the way to the Airport a rather heated debate started as to whose fault their break-up was. At the crowded gate, she turned and said, "Thanks for nothing you cheap bastard." As she went down the ramp with the other passengers, he shouted back "Hey baby. Don't be like that. If you ever work this town again, give me a call." =-=-=-=-=-=- Drive Thru Confessional and Wedding Chapel: (disembodied voice from a speaker in the middle of a huge plastic Jesus): "Thank you for choosing the McChurch of Perpetual Laziness, may I take your order?" "Uhhh, yeah, I'd like two Big MacFessions, one Get Out Of Hell Scratch Off Card, ummm, a small order of Holy Water, and, ummm, we were gonna get a hotel room later, so I better get one of those McQuickie Weddings." "Ok, my son, that's two Big MacFessions, a Get Out Of Hell Scratch Off Card, a small Holy Water, and a McQuickie Wedding -- did you want to SuperSize that? You get an additional scratch off card and a large Holy Water along with your choice of either a free baptism or mirror air freshener in the image of the Baby Jesus Under Our Golden Arches." "Cool, yeah, ok, super size it and give me the air freshener thing. Do I get absolution with that or do I still have to do the rosary stuff?" "Absolution isn't guaranteed unless you prepay. The rosary stuff is between you and the cashier. Your total is $19.95, my son, please pull to the first window." (The car pulls forward. A wooden panel in the wall opens.) "Yes, my son?" "Ummm, yes, bless me, McFather, it has been about 45 minutes since my last confession, umm, hey, can I get fries with this?" =-=-=-=-=-==- Dirty Johnny is walking down the street leading the giraffe. A cop says, "Kid, where you going?" Johnny says, "I'm taking this giraffe to get mated." The cop says, "Where?" Johnny lifts up the giraffe's tail, and says, "Right there." =-=-=-=-=-=-=-=- This guy goes to the doctor for a vasectomy. Unlike the usual patients,he shows up in a limo, and he's sitting in the doctor's office in a rented tuxedo with black tie. The doctor says "I've done a lot of these, but I've never seen a limo and tuxedo before. What's the story?" To which the fellow responds "If I'm gonna BE im-potent, I'm gonna LOOK im-potent!" -=-=-=-=-=-=-=- Understanding Men The nice men are ugly. The handsome men are not nice. The handsome and nice men are gay. The handsome, nice, and heterosexual men are married. The men who are not so handsome but are nice men have no money. The men who are not so handsome but are nice men with money think we are only after their money. The handsome men without money are after our money. The handsome men, who are not so nice and somewhat heterosexual, don't think we are beautiful enough. The men who think we are beautiful, that are heterosexual, somewhat nice, and have money are cowards. The men who are somewhat handsome, somewhat nice, and have some money and, thank God, are heterosexual are shy and NEVER MAKE THE FIRST MOVE!!!!! The men who never make the first move automatically lose interest in us when we take the initiative. NOW... WHO IN THE HELL UNDERSTANDS MEN? -==-=-=-=-=-=-=-=- Did you hear about the disaster at a major U.S. University? The scientists were cloning monkeys and one of them blew up. The scientist are trying to determine what went wrong by sifting through the Rhesus pieces. =--=---=-=-=-=-= Did you know that dolphins are so intelligent that within only a few weeks of captivity, they can train humans to stand at the edge of the pool and throw them fish? Have a magic day and pass it on. Magic Mike http://funandmagic.com/ Learn how to perform for fun or profit. http://funandmagic.com/lessons.html/ Make $10-$20/hour at home http://homework4s.com/ 3.9 cents/min. phone 24x7 No fees or contracts http://ld.net/?phon4less/ High speed dial-up for free! http://ld.net/?phon4less Subject: Shuttle Lift-off photo, 360 tour of Australian Outback, hilarious Star Trak claymation Like mothers, taxes are often misunderstood, but seldom forgotten. -Lord Bramwell Hi, How is everything with you? I have a great photo for you today. Our wallpaper choice is an exciting photo of last week's lift-off of the Space Shuttle Endeavor. It is delivering a gigantic arm, that was made in Canada, to the International Space Station. Let's also take a 360 degree tour of the Australian outback and look at Ayers Rock, held sacred by the indigenous Anangu tribe. Pun intended, when I say you'll laugh your ass off at Star Trak, a claymation about tractor beams from Uranus, the captain, a sado-masochistic doctor, a sex starved crew, and a pants stealing Ken doll. Recipes since I last wrote you: Eclaire cake, mom's meat pies, pineapple cheese pie, quick vegetable saut?, apple banana salad, three soup chicken, fried devil eggs, blueberry pie in the sky, Mexican taco salad, Canadian vinaigrette, Oriental cauliflower, coconut custard, oregano chicken, chocolate chip pound cake, and chicken with dilly ham sauce. It's all at my home page http://funandmagic.com/ . I would like to call your attention to the newest product offered on my site. I can get you 80 security system for business or residence. You will get about $1000 worth of door, window, and motion sensors, for free. You just pay for monitoring, which is less than $1 a day. The equipment has a lifetime free replacement guarantee as long as you are on the monitoring contract. Q: What do Easter Bunny helpers get for making a basket? A: Two points, just like anyone else. --=-=-=-=-=-=-= A traveling salesman finds himself stranded in the tiniest town in Australia. He knocks on the door of a little hotel. "Sorry, we don't have a spare room," says the manager, "but you're welcome to share with a little red-headed schoolteacher, if that's okay." "Oh, that'll be great," says the salesman, grinning from ear to ear. "And don't worry, I'll be a real gentleman." "Just as well," says the manager. "So will the little red-headed schoolteacher." -=-=-=-=-=-=-=-= A newcomer to the Ashe County political scene was out canvassing votes. He came to a farm and approached a young man milking a cow. Just as he was starting to make his pitch for a vote, an old man came out on the back porch and called to the young man, "Luke, come on in the house. Who's that man talking to you?" "Says he's a politician, Pop", replied Luke. "Well, in that case", says the old man, "better bring the cow in with you. -=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-= Have ya ever noticed that most doctors cure poor people a lot faster ? A specialist is a doctor with a small practice and a very large house. Don't ya just hate it when you go to the doctor's and you\'re sitting on the examination table telling him about your symptoms, and with each new one you describe, he backs a little further away? These days the first entry in your medical history is if you pay your bills on time. Psychiatrist to Internal Revenue agent on couch: "Nonsense ! No way does everyone in the world hate you -- everyone in the US perhaps -- but certainly not everyone in the world. -=-=-=-=-=-=-=-= Did you ever notice: If you put the 2 words "THE" and "IRS" together it spells "THEIRS"? --=-=-=-=-=-=-=-= ADAMANT The very first insect. -=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=- Jill: I knew I never should have visited that porn site last night. Mary: Why? What's wrong? Jill: When I turned on my computer this morning, it said, "You've got blackmail." -=-=-=-=-=-=-=-= 1. "Signs the Easter Bunny is Nuts!" 10. Neighbors describing him as "a quiet loner." 9. Removed from a department store last December after screaming at Santa,..."You're going to die up there, fat man!" 8. Can't stop washing his paws. 7. Colorful eggs now filled with Prozac. 6. Apartment walls covered with photos of Sharon Stone. 5. Met with Dr. Kevorkian about the possibility of a "suicide egg." 4. Rotting corpse of Energizer bunny recently discovered in his crawl space. 3. Won't come out of his compound in Waco, Texas. 2. He's hippity-hopped up on crack. 1. Keeps rubbing himself for good luck. -=-=-=-=-=-=--=- Sticks and stones may break my bones, but once the casts come off man, you better watch your back. Unknown --=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=- I was substitute-teaching for a first-grade class on Valentine's Day. One of the duties of the Student of the Day is to tell the month, day, and year. Mason was the Student of the Day, and he said what the month, day & year were correctly, but he didn't mention that it was Valentine's Day. "Mason, can you think of something VERY special about today?" I asked. "Yes ! It's the day my mommy & daddy made me !" was his excited reply. Sure enough, upon looking in his file, I discovered that his birthday IS in mid November! -=-=-=-=-=-=-=--= Why did the blonde climb over the glass wall? To see what was on the other side. Why did the blonde climb to the roof of the bar? She heard that the drinks were on the house. -=-=-=-=-=-=-= TOP 10 REASONS FOR BEING FRENCH 1. When speaking fast you can make yourself sound gay. 2. Yet to experience the joy of winning the world cup for the first time. 3. You get to eat disgusting food like snails and frog's legs. 4. If there's a war you can surrender really early. 5. You don't have to read the subtitles on those late night films on Channel 4. 6. You can test your own nuclear weapons in other people's countries. 7. You can be ugly and still become a famous film star. 8. Allow Germans to march up and down your most famous street humiliating your sense of national pride. 9. You don't have to bother with toilets, just shit in the street. 10. People think you're a great lover even though you're not. Have a magic day and pass it on. Magic Mike http://funandmagic.com/ Learn how to perform for fun or profit. http://funandmagic.com/lessons.html/ Make $10-$20/hour at home http://homework4s.com/ 3.9 cents/min. phone 24x7 No fees or contracts http://ld.net/?phon4less/ High speed dial-up for free! http://ld.net/?phon4less Hi, Does our universe have higher but unusual spatial dimensions? This idea has been gaining popularity to help explain why vastly separated parts of our universe appear so similar, and why the geometry of our universe does not seem to result naturally from the amounts of matter it seems to contain. In a new incarnation of an old extra-dimensional idea, some astrophysicists hypothesize that we live in a universe dubbed Ekpyrotic, where our four dimensions (three spatial plus one time) resulted from the fiery collision of two four-dimensional spaces (branes) in a five-dimensional universe. This big-bang hypothesis is meant to compete with another big-bang hypothesis that our universe underwent a superluminal inflation event in the distant past, and does make distinct testable predictions. Above, a dynamic three-dimensional drawing (two spatial plus one time) of a four-dimensional depiction of a five-dimensional cube (a hypercube with four spatial dimensions is also known as a tesseract) is shown. Also see last of a storm over Crested Butte, in Colorado. At Atom Films, see a short short, called " Short", about being short. Take a 360° Tour Mayan city ruins Tikal, Guatemala. Recipes are Chocolate Chip Cupcakes, Corn and Bacon Casserole, Light Surprising Strawberries, and Light Lime-Roasted Chicken Breasts. It's all at http://funandmagic.com/ . While you are there, click on my link to Free High Speed Cable and get three months free. It get's me a free month, too. You are under no obligation to continue after the three months, so try it out. Give them my @home address and write me that you signed up, please. -Magic Mike My mother had a thing about waxing. She claimed it saved wear and tear on the floors - and it did. You came in the front door, and by the time you stopped............. you were in the backyard! -=-=-=-=-=-=-= First Farmer: I crossed my hens with parrots to save time. Second Farmer: Why did you do that? First Farmer: I used to waste a lot of time hunting for eggs. Now the hen comes up to me and says, "I just laid an egg -- go get it." -=-=-=-=-=-=-= Being a newspaper photographer, my husband would often get home late with the excuse: "I had to shoot a car wreck," or "I had to shoot a football game." Once, some unexpected company dropped by and asked how late my husband would be. "I don't know," I replied, not intending to shock them. "He has to shoot the governor." -=-=-=-=-=-=-=- At the plane crash site, one lone survivor sat with his back against a tree, chewing on a bone. As he tossed the bone onto a huge pile of bones, he noticed the rescue team. "Thank Heavens!", he cried out in relief..... "I am saved!" The rescue team did not move, as they were in shock, seeing the pile of human bones beside this lone survivor. Obviously he had eaten his comrades. The Survivor saw the horror in their faces and hung his own head in shame. "You can't judge me for this," he insisted. "I had to survive. Is it so wrong to want to live?" The leader of the rescue team stepped forward, shaking his head in disbelief. "I won't judge you for doing what was necessary to survive, but Good Heavens, man, your plane only went down yesterday!" -=-=-=-=-=---=-= Date: Sun, 15 Apr 2001 23:35:58 -0400 From: phil proctor <PProctor@compuserve.com Subject: PP 2001.09 Sender: phil proctor <PProctor@compuserve.com To: 3 <pproctor@compuserve.com (((((((((((((((((((( PLANET PROCTOR 2001.09 - http://www.planetproctor.com "Illegal income, such as stolen or embezzled money, must be included in your gross income." - IRS website THE KILLING FIELDS In a precautionary measure the British Government has decided that in order to safeguard the future of British farming, everyone in the United Kingdom should be destroyed. This policy was agreed to by the Prime Minister at a secret policy meeting in Gloucester in front of 500 angry farmers bearing lit torches and waving pitchforks. They insisted that as simple country-dwelling folk they could not be expected to deal with "citified new-fangled nonsense" such as insurance and vaccinations". Poverty-stricken farmer Derek Gadd of Oswestry, speaking by satellite link from his luxury yacht in the Adriatic, said that if this crisis continued he would soon be down to his last three million, demanding that the taxpayers "bail me out immediately". Mr. Blair has concluded that the only sure-fire way of protecting farmers is to ensure that "all living things" within a hundred mile radius of the British coast line are "immediately exterminated". The army and police have been called in, and the slaughter of men, women and children is due to begin at midnight. It is expected that within days, mass burning of villages will commence, with all people in Cheshire due for destruction a week on Tuesday. Television companies are reported to be "overjoyed" at this news. Channel 4 is already planning "Big Barbecue," a game show where the public will ring in and vote on which part of the country is to be incinerated next; and ITV will be on air 24 hours, hosted by Trevor McDonald and Des Lynam, who will be ceremonially torched at the conclusion of the operation. The Prime Minister's Press Secretary said that the plan was unlikely to affect the date of the General Election. "The problem with the gene pool for politicians is that there is no lifeguard on duty." - author unknown THE YOUNG AND THE FOOLISH Planeteer Jan Cobler notes that Jessie Jackson has added former Chicago Democrat Congressman Mel Reynolds to the Rainbow/PUSH Coalition. He was among the 176 criminals excused in President Clinton's last-minute pardon orgy, with a commutation of his six-and-a-half-year federal sentence for 15 convictions of wire fraud, bank fraud and deceptions to the FEC. He is most notorious, however, for serving five years for sleeping with an underage campaign volunteer and thus creating a first in American politics: an ex-Congressman who had sex with a subordinate won clemency from a President who had sex with a subordinate, then was hired by a Clergyman who had sex with a subordinate. "Merrill Lynch is issuing three new bonds: the Monica, which has no maturity; the Gore, which has no interest; the Clinton, which has no principal." - Cindy Adams, NY Post gossip columnist LUCKY U.S. Friday the 13th passed in the Proctor household without a hitch because we stayed home, but several of our brilliant readers remarked that we come from a star-crossed country: 13 original colonies, 13 signers of the Declaration of Independence, 13 stripes on our flag, 13 letters in "E Pluribus Unum", 13 steps on the Pyramid, 13 letters in the Latin above, 13 stars above the Eagle, 13 plumes of feathers on each span of the Eagle's wing, 13 bars on that shield, 13 leaves on the olive branch, 13 fruits, and if you look closely, 13 arrows, and finally, for minorities: the 13th Amendment. "For us, the act of bumping into someone is an act of the moment. For the Chinese, bumping into someone is bumping into all that went before him." - Douglas Paal, D.C. President of the Asia Pacific Policy Center A MOO-VING ENTRY Jack" I'm No" Angel tells me that a farm lady competed in a contest where she had to complete a jingle with the first line, "I like Carnation best of all" in 50 words or less, to win a large cash prize. Well, she was flabbergasted when a Carnation Milk representative came to her door a couple of months later to announce that her entry was deemed best but could not be published, so they were giving her a consolation award of $1,000. She had written: "I like Carnation best of all, No tits to pull, no shit to haul. No barns to clean, no hay to pitch, Just punch a hole in the son of a bitch." "Doors Closed For Your Comfort." - Sign at a Goshen, Indiana Car Wash MARTIAN SPACE PAR-TEE!!! On Thursday, April 12th, 2001, Earth celebrated the fortieth anniversary of Yuri Gagarin's historic trip as the first human in space with 48 parties in 24 nations on 7 continents; a massive, spontaneous global effort. As Gagarin said, "Looking from the earth from afar, you realize it is too small for conflict and just big enough for cooperation." "We can sympathize with a child who is afraid of the dark, but the tragedy of life is, most people are afraid of the light." - Magic Mike REAL NEWS Reuters and Magic Mike inform me that the popular Kiev paper Den ("Day") quoted local customs officers as saying a dangerous Russian fugitive had tried to cross into Slovakia from western Ukraine with another person's pass, and to effectuate his disguise, had asked a surgeon to glue on artificial ears. Unfortunately, the "bad doctor" used a cheap Russian-made medical glue and the fakes fell off at the decisive moment. Never heard of such a thing! And speaking of falls, a small dog plunged to its death from a ninth-floor suburban Paris apartment, hitting a Japanese man who suffered serious injuries, including barked shins, according to Le Parisien . Lucky it wasn't raining cats, too. "A good cat will make about a pound and a quarter of sausage. A bad cat will make less." - Dick Carlson REALLY INSTANT REPLAY My brother-in-law, writer Jim Brice, tells me that his folks were recently here at a taping of "Frazier, " thanks to his sister, Gail. It was the final show of the season, and so many network bigwigs were on hand that they had to view the show on monitors off set. The cast wasn't more than five minutes into rehearsing the first scene when Jim's dad asked to leave, naturally prompting Gail to ask why. "It's a re-run," he explained. He didn't like the episode the first time he saw it and couldn't be persuaded that this was a live taping of a brand-new show. "Hollywood is like being nowhere and talking to nobody about nothing." - Film director Michelangelo Antonioni HIPPITY HOP At our Easter brunch in Beverly Hills, a small child started crying at a nearby table. To induce him to stop, the manager said, "C'mon, let's go make a latte." It worked, and Melinda and I enjoyed our coffees in silence. And in Sunday's L.A. Times' Metro section, in an article about the holiday falling on the same day this year for Orthodox and Western churches, the Very Reverend (and Very Witty) John Bakas, dean of a Greek Orthodox Cathedral, said: "Instead of looking for an empty tomb, [worshippers] will be looking for an empty parking place." "The difference between me and a madman is, I am not mad" - Salvador Dali RUGRATS RULE!!! In July, the Rugrats will receive their very own star on the Hollywood Walk of Fame, honoring ten years of achievements in the entertainment community, joining recently cemented honorees like Steven Speilberg, Cuba Gooding, Jr. and Magic Johnson. An animated "Howard" may be there. Also, the Antaeus Company is cranking up for rehearsals of Balzac's prescient financial farce "Mercadet" to be presented at Culver City's Ivy Substation for 5 weeks from June 2, in rep with "Trial By Jury, L.A." and other "Legal Briefs"' including Cervantes' "Divorce Court from Hell" directed by our own Emily Chase (and featuring Judge Judy or someone like her) and Melinda and me as a couple of old farts. Quite a stretch. And finally, our talented pal, Bill Larkin, who paws the keys nightly at Universal Citywalk's "Howl at the Moon", has just released his first musical collection of personal and hysterical comic ditties entitled, "Bill's Family Funtime." If you want to get one for your family, tell 'em Phil sent ya and go to: http://members.aol.com/billsfamilyfun/index.html"www.billlarkin.com "Without art, the crudeness of reality would make the world unbearable" - From Canyongirl OF THE PEOPLE... The Reduced Shakespeare Company's Adam Long reminded me recently of Mark Twain's still pertinent thoughts about our Government in his "Life on the Mississippi", first published in 1883: "Bribery, jobbery, and general corruption were brisk at Washington. Congress contained three or four great minds, capable statesmen, men of lofty aims and blemish-less character; twenty or thirty men of high pluck and independence; many rascals; also, scattered among the inconspicuous remainder, several honest men. But mainly the place was a den of thieves and a sort of asylum for pauper intellects." "It's BST, Bush Standard Time. Remember to set your clocks back 20 years." - Phil's Funny Facts SIR HARRY, BROTHER THEODORE, MR. HAPPY Sir Harry Secombe succumbed to the surrealism of death at 79 after a glorious career in his native England. Prince Charles was a big fan as was his father, prince Philip, who said, "He was one of the great life-enhancers of our age and gave pleasure and constant happy laughter to so many of us throughout his life, most particularly when he was part of the never-to-be-forgotten 'Goon Show'". We also bid a found farewell to the sardonic comic master "Brother Theodore" (Gottlieb), who crawled off life's stage on all fours last week, true to "Quadrupidism" until the last. Once the despot of Mars in an early Republic Serial which Peter Bergman and I re-voiced for "J-Men Forever" and an actor I worked with in a scene that never made the final cut of Henry Jaglom's "A Safe Place", he once said to friend Ron Smith: "The best thing is not to be born. But who is as lucky as that? To whom does it happen? Not to one among millions and millions of people." And a smiley-faced adieu to Harvey Ball, 70, the sad-sack faced creator of the 70's "Have A Nice Day" design that haunts us still, although it brought him only $45 when created as a "friendship campaign" to promote an unfriendly takeover of one Worster insurance company by another. Having survived a Second World War enemy shelling on Okinawa that killed three of his buddies, he returned stateside with the understanding that "every day was a gift." What a wonderful memento he has left behind. "In Elkhart, Indiana a barber cannot threaten to cut off a kid's ears." - Phil's Funny Facts EVERYBODY SING! And a Happy Birthday to my darling and talented daughter, Kristin, who turns 23 tomorrow. Remember our friend Sam Longoria's Two Rules Of Success: 1) "Never tell anyone everything you know." +++++++++++(APRIL 15, 2001)++++++++++ * FIRESIGN: www.firesigntheatre.com * FIREZINE: www.firezine.net * FIRESIGN STUFF: www.lodestone-media.com * FUNNY TIMES: www.funnytimes.com * PHIL'S V.O. : www.cedvoices.com -- Have a magic day and pass it on. Magic Mike http://funandmagic.com/ Learn how to perform for fun or profit. http://funandmagic.com/lessons.html/ Make $10-$20/hour at home http://homework4s.com/ 3.9 cents/min. phone 24x7 No fees or contracts http://ld.net/?phon4less/ High speed dial-up for free! http://ld.net/?phon4less I like dreams of the future better than the history of the past. Hi, This mailing starts a new program I am using to get each one of you their own individually addressed copy of this mailer without any other addresses in it. I am using the free Caliban mailer. My photo page shows another incredible stand of Aspen trees, a 360-degree tour of the Thames River and London. The Atom Films choice is "Baby Steps". Recipes posted are Fox Hunter's Pie, and Sloppy Joe Squares. http://funandmagic.com/ . Let me tell you about how amazing it was that the pilot of the US plane landed his plane without crashing. I flew a friend's piper cub from Boeing field for an hour and a half. It was great. Another friend invited me to an employee open house and I got to fly the professional pilot simulators of a 747 and a 737. The trim was not set correctly by the supervisor and it took every ounce of strength I had to keep the big plane in the proper horizon and landing pattern. There was no way I could take my hand off the yoke to adjust the trim, even for a second. And it was too hard to think to ask someone to do it. Now this pilot had his prop, nose, and some wing controls damaged. It took the massive frame, shoulders and muscles of that guy to physically keep that plane in the air. If he didn't use the mic to ask for permission to land is fully consistent. A weaker pilot would have lost that plane. That man IS a hero. I have added a page to my site about the torture and organ harvesting in China's prisons. When you buy from them you support the way they treat prisoners as a resource. You support torture and organ harvesting. Also, forced labor there competes with our worker's goods. Think about this, and choose not to but goods "Made in China". I have also added a page on the Florida election by a Pulitzer investigative reporter. -Magic Mike An English teacher was explaining to his students the concept of gender association in the English language. He stated that hurricanes at one time were all given feminine names and that ships and planes are usually referred to as "she." One of the students raised his hand and asked, "What gender is a computer?" Not having a ready answer, the teacher divided the class into two groups, males in one and females in the other and asked each group to decide whether a computer should be considered masculine or feminine. Both groups were asked to give four reasons for their recommendation. The group of women concluded that computers should be considered masculine because: 1. In order to get their attention, you have to turn them on. 2. They have a lot of data but are still clueless. 3. They are supposed to help you solve your problems but half the time they ARE the problem. 4. As soon as you commit to one, you realize that, if you had waited a little longer, you could have had a better model. The men, on the other hand, decided that computers should be considered feminine because: 1. No one but their creator understands their internal logic. 2. The native language they use to communicate with other computers is incomprehensible to everyone else. 3. Even your smallest mistakes are stored in long-term memory for later retrieval. 4. As soon as you make a commitment to one, you find yourself spending half your paycheck on accessories for it. -=-=-=-=-=--=- A kind-hearted fellow was walking through Central Park in New York and was astonished to see an old man, fishing rod in hand, fishing over a beautiful bed of lilies. "Tch Tch!" said the passerby to himself. "What a sad sight. That poor old man is fishing over a bed of flowers. I'll see if I can help." So the kind fellow walked up to the old man and asked, "What are you doing, my friend?" "Fishin', sir." "Fishin', eh. Well to come have a drink with me?" The old man stood up, put his rod away and followed the kind stranger to the corner bar. He ordered a large glass of beer and a fine cigar. His host, the kind fellow, felt good about helping the old man, and he asked, "Tell me, old friend, how many did you catch this morning?" The old fellow took a long drag on the cigar, blew a careful smoke ring and replied, "You are the 6th today, sir!" -=--=-=-=-=-=-=-= The NAACP sent an agent to Alabama to check the progress in integration of churches. After a few weeks of checking around, he called head-quarters to file his report. "How about the Catholics?" asks his boss. "The Catholics are doing okay; they got the right idea." "What about the Methodists?" "They've come a long way," says the agent. "They're doing just fine." "And the Baptists?" asks the boss. "I just want to know one thing," he says... "When they baptize you, how long are they supposed to hold you under?" -=-=-=-=-=-=-= Midlife for women Midlife is when the growth of the hair on our legs slows down. This gives us plenty of time to care for our newly acquired mustache. Midlife women no longer have upper arms; we have wingspans. We are no longer women in sleeveless shirts; we are flying squirrels in drag. Midlife has hit when you stand naked in front of the mirror and can see your rear end without turning around. Midlife is when you bounce (a lot), but you don't bounce back. It's more like splat! Midlife is when you want to grab every firm young lovely in a tube top and scream, "Listen, honey, even the Roman Empire fell, and those things will too!" Midlife is when you realize that, if you were a dog, you would need a control top flea collar. Midlife is when you go to the doctor and you realize you are now so old that you have to pay someone to look at you naked. You know you are getting old when you go for a mammogram and know it is the only time someone will ask you to appear topless in a film. Midlife brings the wisdom that "life throws you curves" and that you're now sitting on your biggest ones. Midlife can bring out your angry, bitter side. You look at your latte-swilling, beeper-wearing know-it-all teenager and think, "For this I have stretch marks?" Midlife is when your memory really starts to go: the only thing you still retain is water. The good news about midlife is the glass is still half-full. Of course, the bad news is that it won't be long before your teeth are floating in it. -=--=-=-=-=-=-=-= Today's Medical Humor is - Here are a couple highlights of ER admissions: - A 28-year old male was brought into the ER after an attempted suicide. The man had swallowed several nitroglycerin pills and a fifth of vodka. When asked about the bruises about his head and chest he said that they were from him ramming himself into the wall in an attempt to make the nitroglycerin explode. - A 92-year old woman had a full cardiac arrest at home and was rushed to the hospital. After 30 minutes of unsuccessful resuscitation attempts the old lady was pronounced dead. The doctor went to tell the lady's 78-year old daughter that her mother didn't make it. "Didn't make it? Where could they be? She left in the ambulance forty-five minutes ago!" - The most non-emergency ER visit: A male adolescent came in at 2 a.m. with a complaint of belly button lint. ...And while on belly buttons, when I first started working in our ER, we had a patient come in who needed the tip of a Q-tip extracted from the hallows of her navel. She had been cleaning her severe "inny" and the cotton came off and she couldn't get it out. Now that was an expensive belly button cleaning. Have a magic day and pass it on. Magic Mike http://funandmagic.com/ Learn how to perform for fun or profit. http://funandmagic.com/lessons.html/ Make $10-$20/hour at home http://homework4s.com/ 3.9 cents/min. phone 24x7 No fees or contracts http://ld.net/?phon4less/ High speed dial-up for free! http://ld.net/?phon4less Life is a grindstone, Whether it grinds you down or polishes you up, depends on what you are made of. Hi, See a stand of Aspens off Colorado's Million Dollar Highway. I made this drive from Grand Junction to Durango in the Fall of 1973. The sights from the switchbacks are worth a million bucks. Let's take a 360 degree tour of the Louvre Museum and Mona Lisa. Recipe page has: Baked Mushroom Rice, Minute Orange Eclairs, BBQ Chicken Pizza, Salmon with Brown Sugar and Mustard Glaze, Copeland's Bow Tie Pasta Appetizer, Creamy Cinnamon Rolls, Sara's Great Marinade, Beef El Torito Italian Beef Supreme, Hashbrown Casserole, Tr-Color Easter Cake, White Stars. Damned If You Do USA | 17:50 Comedy Star Powered Director: Jimmy Zeilinger Producer: Steven Robiner, Neil C. Lundell Writer: Jimmy Zeilinger Principal Cast: David Alan Grier, Jonathan Slavin Editor: David Kippen - Synopsis: There's nothing like an untimely death and a deal with the devil to show you what you've been missing in life. Alfie is a milquetoast who has grown up in the shadow of his arrogant golden boy brother, but after falling to his death at his sibling's wedding, he gets a chance at payback thanks to a little sympathy from the devil. http://www.atomfilms.com/default.asp?film_id=917 . Apology to China The United States of America apologizes to the People's Republic of China for allowing our slow, lumbering reconnaissance plane to be hit by your poorly trained, hot-dogging fighter pilot, while flying in international airspace. We're sorry we have to fly surveillance missions to monitor a country that has nuclear missiles pointed at us. We're sorry your pilot didn't follow international standards of fighter intercept protocol. We're sorry his aircraft recognition skills were so poor he didn't realize the EP-3 aircraft was propeller driven and flew his aircraft through its propeller arc, destroying his aircraft and nearly killing 24 American crewmen. We're sorry your fighter pilot's survival training and equipment was so inadequate that he couldn't survive until your poorly trained and equipped navy could find him (they turned down our offer for search and rescue assistance). We're sorry you violated international law and arrested the crewmen of an aircraft that legally diverted into your airfield under emergency conditions caused by your pilot's actions, after being led there by one of your other pilots. We're sorry you violated international law and boarded a state aircraft. We're sorry the world is now seeing you for the enemy of freedom, truth, and democracy that you really are. We're sorry you see yourself as a superpower when in reality you are a third world nation (the average Chinese worker earns less than $.10 a day). We're sorry you are loosing so much face over this. We're sorry that you were able to steal some missile and nuclear secrets from us. We're sorry you haven't learned from the Soviet Union's collapse and failed to embrace democracy and capitalism (compare tiny Taiwan and mainland China; same people, same culture, but Taiwan's capitalistic economy is a powerhouse and China's economy is still mired in communism). We're sorry for the future Chinese military deaths that will occur when we retaliate for your roughish behavior. And most of all, we're sorry for the Chinese people who suffer its leaders' incompetence. -=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-= While hurrying around trying to get ready for my OBGYN appointment, I accidentally grabbed a pair of miss-matched knee-highs. One was tan and one was an opaque white. I did not notice it until it was too late. So while sitting in the stirrups, the Dr. says to me. "Well, everything looks fine. That is unless your not wearing knee-highs." -=-=-=-=-=-=-=-= Customer Support Another customer called Compaq tech support to say her brand-new computer wouldn't work. She said she unpacked the unit, plugged it in and sat there for 20 minutes waiting for something to happen. When asked what happened when she pressed the power switch, she asked, "What power switch?" An exasperated caller to Dell Computer Tech Support couldn't get her new Dell Computer to turn on. After ensuring the computer was plugged in, the technician asked her what happened when she pushed the power button. Her response, "I pushed and pushed on this foot pedal and nothing happens." The foot pedal turned out to be the mouse. --=-=-=-=-=-=-= "Kids" Sometimes kids get things a little......well, maybe these came from kids: God bless America Thru the night with a light from a bulb! 0 Susanna, 0 don't you cry for me, For I come from Alabama with a band-aid on my knee! Give us this day our deli bread! Glory be to the Father and to the Son and to the Whole East Coast. We shall come to Joyce's, bringing in the cheese. Gladly, the consecrated, cross-eyed bear. He carrots for you. Bringing in the Sheets. Yield Not to Penn Station. Dust Around the Throne. Praise God From whom all blessings flow, Praise Him all creatures, HERE WE GO Olive, the other reindeer, used to laugh and call him names. While shepherds washed their socks by night He socked me and boxed me with His redeeming glove. -- Have a magic day and pass it on. Magic Mike http://funandmagic.com/ Learn how to perform for fun or profit. http://funandmagic.com/lessons.html/ Make $10-$20/hour at home http://homework4s.com/ 3.9 cents/min. phone 24x7 No fees or contracts http://ld.net/?phon4less/ High speed dial-up for free! http://ld.net/?phon4less Subject: Lucky Friday 13th, 20th Anniversary Of 1st Shuttle, 40th Anniversary of 1st Space flight Date: Fri, 13 Apr 2001 01:30:45 -0700 From: Magic Mike <mmb Organization: http://funandmagic.com To: you <you We can sympathize with a child who is afraid of the dark, but the tragedy of life is, most people are afraid of the light. Hi, Yesterday was the 20th year since the 1st Space Shuttle Launch. Here is a beautiful shot of it. It is also the 40th anniversary of the first human in space, Yuri Gagarin. See a 360 Degree Tour Of The Cafes Of Paris. New Recipes today are Pork Loin Dijonnaise with Peach Sause and Coconut Pie. See it all at http://funandmagic.com/ . Folks, I have been boycotting products for years that are "Made In China", because of the Tibetan issue and because I am aware of China's prison worker condition. I want you to take a moment to find out about their prisoner system, including their "generous" organ donar program. I added this link to my home page. http://www.laogai.org/aboutus.htm#_What_is_the_1 Working towards the happier note we have to hit here, you with laugh, laugh, laugh at "Script Doctor", USA | 8:31 Comedy Creator: Adam Fields, Jordan Fields, Scott Fields Synopsis: Got a sore scene? Does your dialogue give you dyspepsia? Whatever your ailment, the script doctor has a cure for your worst case of writer's block. Who needs an HMO when you've got a ward for your word processor? http://www.atomfilms.com/default.asp?film_id=1044 In Tibet 13 is a LUCKY SPECIAL number. Today is Friday the 13th. Unlucky 13??? They say that the number 13 is an unlucky number. This is almost a worldwide belief. You will usually never see a room numbered 13, or any hotels or motels with a 13th floor. But, think about this: 13 original colonies, 13 signers of the Declaration of Independence, 13 stripes on our flag, 13 steps on the Pyramid, 13 letters in the Latin above, 13 letters in "E Pluribus Unum", 13 stars above the Eagle, 13 plumes of feathers on each span of the Eagle's wing, 13 bars on that shield, 13 leaves on the olive branch, 13 fruits, and if you look closely, 13 arrows. And for minorities: the 13th Amendment. -=-=-=-=-=-=-=-= Read the below sentence carefully. What's so special about this sentence? "I do not know where family doctors acquired illegibly perplexing handwriting nevertheless, extraordinary pharmaceutical intellectuality counterbalancing indecipherability, transcendentalizes intercommunications' incomprehensibleness". -=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-= My daughter had applied for a job and when she returned home, her mother asked how the interview went. She replied pretty good I think, but if I go to work there I won't get a vacation unless I'm married. Her mother of course, had never heard of such a thing and asked "is that what they told you? She replied, no they didn't tell me that, but on the application it said "vacation time may not be taken until you've had your 'First Anniversary'" -=-=-=-=-=--=-=- WORLD TV HITS Steel Industry Documentary: The Young and the Rustless Indian Hit TV show: Bombaywatch Israeli Courtroom Hit: Judge Judah Jailhouse Drama from Jamaica: Pokey Mon Muslim Version of Father Knows Best: Family Lawgiver BBC Dog Show Documentary: Jerry Springer Spaniel Indian Game Show based on The Price Is Right: Karma on down! Iraqi Soap Opera: CAll My Children...Except The Daughters Turkish Prison Drama: The Six-O-Click Noose -=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-= A farmer wrote to a giant mail order company and asked the price of their toilet paper. The company wrote back and told him to look on page #287. He wrote another letter back, "If I had your catalog, I wouldn't need your toilet paper." -=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-= My friend says her sex life is like having candy while on a diet. She doesn't get much but when she does it sure is good. -=-=-=-=-=-=-= The blonde went to an eye doctor to have her eyes checked for glasses. The doctor directed her to read various letters with the left eye while covering the right eye. The blonde was so mixed up on which eye was which that the eye doctor in disgust took a paper sack with a hole to see through, covered up the appropriate eye and asked her to read the letters. As he did so, he noticed the blonde had tears streaming down her face. "Look," said the doctor, "there's no need to get emotional about getting glasses." "I know," agreed the blonde, "But I kind of had my heart set on wire frames." -=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-= A man goes into a pub, sets at the bar, and orders five pints. The barman gives him an odd look since the guy's all by himself, but he serves up the five pints and lines them up on the bar. The man downs them....One, Two, Three, Four, Five. He finishes the last one and calls to the barman, "Four pints, please, mate!" The barman serves up four pints and lines them on the bar. The man downs them....One, Two, Three, Four. Then he belches loudly, sways slightly on the stool, and orders three more pints. And one after the other, he knocks them back....One, Two, Three. "Two pints, mate!" he calls, and the barman places two pints in front of him. Down they go....One, Two. As the man slams the last one down on the bar, he says, "One pint, mate." So the barman fills the glass. The guy sits there, staring at it for a moment, trying to focus. Then he looks at the barman and says, "Y'know, it'sh a funny t'ing, but the less I drink, the drunker I get..." -=-=-=-=-=-=-=-= Trivia! The average giraffe's blood pressure is two or three times that of a healthy man. Elephant tusks grow throughout an elephant's life and can weigh more than 200 pounds. Among Asian elephants, only the males have tusks. Both sexes of African elephants have tusks. Elephants and short-tailed shrews get by on only two hours of sleep a day. Migrating geese fly in a V-formation to save energy. A goose's wings churn the air and leave an air current behind. In the flying wedge, each bird is in position to get a lift from the current left by the bird ahead. It is easier going for all, except the leader. During a migration, geese are apt to take turns in the lead position. The kinkajou's tail is twice as long as its body. Every night, it wraps itself up in its tail and uses it as a pillow. You could milk about six cows per hour by hand, but with modern machinery, you can milk up to 100 cows per hour. -=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=- We had a patient that had broken his leg and it was going to have to be set. To get him ready for this painful event, he was heavily sedated. While in this "state", he spoke rather freely with us and with his wife. She apparently learned several things about her husband. When it was time to reverse the medication, the wife said "Wait! not yet. I have some more questions I want to ask". -=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=--= Last day "You Know It's Your Last Day At Work When......" You hand a bank teller an envelope, and when she asks, "What's this?", you realize you just dropped the company's deposit in a mailbox. A woman comes into the store, you turn to the other salesman and say, "I waited on the last fat ugly old lady. This one's your turn". Your boss is standing behind you. It's his wife. While your boss is at lunch, you sneak in and look at some confidential information on his computer. You spill coffee on the keyboard. It shorts out. You return from a week's vacation to find that you had scheduled *this* week as vacation, not last week. You take a "sick" day. The next morning the boss asks you, "So, how was the fishing on Rock Creek yesterday?". You wake up hung over. You have a black eye and barked knuckles. Your underwear is missing. You're in jail. Last night was the company Christmas party. -=-=-=-=-=-=-=--=-=- Read the below sentence carefully. What's so special about this sentence? "I do not know where family doctors acquired illegibly perplexing handwriting nevertheless, extraordinary pharmaceutical intellectuality counterbalancing indecipherability, transcendentalizes intercommunications' incomprehensibleness". Answer: In this sentence the Nth word is N letters long. e.g. 3rd word is 3 letters long, 8th word is 8 letters long and so on...! -- Have a magic day and pass it on. Magic Mike http://funandmagic.com/ Learn how to perform for fun or profit. http://funandmagic.com/lessons.html/ Make $10-$20/hour at home http://homework4s.com/ 3.9 cents/min. phone 24x7 No fees or contracts http://ld.net/?phon4less/ High speed dial-up for free! http://ld.net/?phon4less Subject: Movie of last week's big sunspot, 360 tour of Anasazi "Great Houses" in Chaco Canyon, really funny ones Date: Wed, 11 Apr 2001 22:56:44 -0700 From: Magic Mike <mmb Organization: http://funandmagic.com To: you <you "Whatever you are, be a good one." -Abraham Lincoln Hi, The largest sunspot group of the past ten years crossed the surface of the Sun late last month and early this month. The Sun is reaching the maximum of its current 11-year cycle of magnetic activity. See a time-lapse sequence shows the sunspot as it evolved from 27 March to April 2 to become over 10 times larger than our Earth. Take a 360° Tour of Anasazi "great house" Chaco Canyon, New Mexico. For 700 years, more than a dozen "great houses" have lain empty at the bottom of remote Chaco Canyon in northwestern New Mexico. Recipes are Light Almond Loves and Light Grilled Apples. http://funandmagic.com . Remember the cute Swedish short, "Shit Happens"? Well, "Shit Happens Again" - Sweden | 2:14 Comedy International Director: Peter Ostlund - Synopsis: First off, this guy should definitely stop taking his son on outings. Perhaps they should avoid all possible frustrations by staying home and taking a nap. http://www.atomfilms.com/default.asp?film_id=1470 . This Chinese tourist traveling in New York City goes up to his tenth New Yorker and says [with a Chinese accent], "Excuse me, but could you tell me direction to Carnegie Hall or should I fuck off?" -=-=-=-=----= Are you aware of the discovery in the human body of a nerve that connects the eyeball to your ass? It is called the anal optic nerve. It is responsible for giving people a shitty outlook on life. If you don't believe me, pull a hair from your ass and see if it doesn't bring a tear to your eye -=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=- New Axioms of the 00's 1. Home is where you hang your @. 2. The e-mail of the species is more deadly than the mail. 3. A journey of a thousand sites begins with a single click. 4. You can't teach a new mouse old clicks. 5. Great groups from little icons grow. 6. Speak softly and carry a cellular phone. 7. C:\ is the root of all directories. 8. Pentium wise; pen and paper foolish. 9. Don't put all your hypes in one home page. 10. The modem is the message. 11. Too many clicks spoil the browse. 12. The geek shall inherit the earth. 13. A chat has nine lives. 14. Don't byte off more than you can view. 15. Fax is stranger than fiction. 16. What boots up must come down. 17. Virtual reality is its own reward. 18. Modulation in all things. 19. A user and his leisure time are soon parted. 20. There's no place like http://www.home.com. 21. Know what to expect before you connect. 22. Oh, what a tangled website we weave when first we practice. 23. Speed thrills. 24. Give a man a fish and you feed him for a day; teach him to use the net, and he can order fish with a mouse. -=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=- An Irishman's wife calls the doctor, stating that her husband has taken ill. The doctor asks if she had taken his temperature; she replied that she hadn't but would and then call back. When she hadn't called within a half hour, the doctor called and asked her what had happened. She said, "Well, I didn't have a thermometer, so I put a barometer on his chest and it said dry, so I gave him a pint and he went off to work!" -=-=-=-=-=-=-=- The college boy called his mother and told her that he wanted to make a grilled cheese sandwich like the ones she used to make for him. He asked her how to do it. She said, "Well, first you'll need two slices of the kind of cheese you want..." The college boy said, "Cheese?" He hadn't realized that he'd have to BUY some cheese first! -=-=-=-=-=-=-=-= TEACHER: Tommy, why do you always get so dirty? TOMMY: Well, I'm a lot closer to the ground than you are. -=-=-=-=-=-=--= A reporter was interviewing Jack Nicklaus. He said, "Jack, you are spectacular, your name is synonymous with the game of golf. You really know your way around the course. What is your secret?" To which Jack replied, "The holes are numbered!" -=-=-=-=-=-=-= Mrs. Applebee, the 6th grade teacher, posed the following problem to one of her arthmatic classes: "A wealthy man dies and leaves ten million dollars. One-fifth is to go to his wife, one-fifth is to go to his son, one-sixth to his butler, and the rest to charity. Now, what does each get?" After a very long silence in the classroom, Little Johnny raised his hand. The teacher called on Little Johnny for his answer. With complete sincerity in his voice, Little Johnny answered, "A lawyer!" -=-=-=-=---=-=-=- New Medications? Prestidigitalis: a cure-all..works like magic! Sexcedrin: what to give someone who says, "Not tonight, Dear; I have a headache." Ropadopamine: retards brain damage from blows to the head. Hisalavista: say bye-bye to those allergies. Milk of Amnesia: for the new mother to help forget birth trauma. Non-interferon: black-market drug often slipped to unsuspecting in-laws. Testsoteroni: a hormonal supplement eaten as pasta. Aestheominophen: You don't feel any better, but you look fabulous. Mazeltoff: Won't cure anything, but you may win the lottery. Silliconia: A cream imported from Romania to increase breast size. -=-=-=-=-=-=-=-= Why do blondes leave empty milk cartons in the fridge? In case someone wants black coffee. A difficult independent 75-year-old woman liked sitting by the park feeding the pigeons. One day she brought with her a whole loaf of fresh bread just to feed her daily company. Little by little, pinch by pinch, she fed each pigeon with joy. She sat there without being noticed by anyone in the rich suburban neighborhood. Then suddenly a man in his early 40's rained on her parade by telling her that she shouldn't throw away good food on a bunch of pigeons that can find food anywhere when there are a lot of people starving in Africa. She replied in crazed anger and without hesitation, "Well, hell, I can't throw that far!" -=-=--=-=--=-=-=-= When one door closes, another opens: but we often look so long and so regretfully upon the closed door, that we do not see the one which has opened for us. - Alexander Graham Bell -- Have a magic day and pass it on. Magic Mike http://funandmagic.com/ Learn how to perform for fun or profit. http://funandmagic.com/lessons.html/ Make $10-$20/hour at home http://homework4s.com/ 3.9 cents/min. phone 24x7 No fees or contracts http://ld.net/?phon4less/ High speed dial-up for free! http://ld.net/?phon4less Subject: Rocket Garden, Whirlpool, World Of Tomorrow, Planet Proctor Date: Tue, 10 Apr 2001 13:46:55 -0700 From: Magic Mike <mmb Organization: http://funandmagic.com To: you <you Hi, Some people plant vegetables in a garden. At The Kennedy Space Center in Orlando they have ROCKETS in their garden. All the old model rockets. Take a 360 degree tour of it. The wallpaper choice is the Whirlpool Galaxy in a new photo combining Kitt Observatory and Hubble Telescope photos. The Recipes are Blueberry Banana Pie, Pineapple Angel Food Trifle, Cajun Potato Salad, Green Bean Slaw, and Grilled Leg of Lamb. The Inspiration page has also had more additions. If you or your kids are interested in magic or balloon lessons, see my new page for lessons. It's all at http://funandmagic.com/ along with a slightly different look and a new guest book. I am also offering FREE security systems for business or residence. Super intelligent robots and Martian Communists are the future we can look forward to 50 years from now, in the year 2000, in this clever spoof of the newsreels of the 40s and 50s, "The World of Tomorrow". http://www.atomfilms.com/default.asp?film_id=786 Meanwhile in the near present, I have another Planet Proctor phrom Phil, which Orbits the bottom of today's magic mailout. I've always ordered beverages one simple way: "A Coke, please." Lately, though, this hasn't seemed to work. Waitresses now often respond, "I'm sorry, we don't have Coke. We have Pepsi, Diet Pepsi, Dr. Pepper, Mr. Pibb and Yahoo." Tired of listening to the long list of soft drinks, I thought I'd make life easier. So one day I simply asked the snack bar clerk at a movie theater for a "dark, carbonated beverage." The young man behind the counter chuckled and asked, "Sir, would you like a cylindrical plastic sucking device with that?" -=--=-=-=-=-=--=- Negotiations between union members and their employer were at an impasse. The union denied that their workers were flagrantly abusing the sick-leave provisions set out by their contract. One morning at the bargaining table, the company's chief negotiator held aloft the morning edition of the newspaper, "This man," he announced, "called in sick yesterday!" There on the sports page, was a photo of the supposedly ill employee, who had just won a local golf tournament with an excellent score. A union negotiator broke the silence in the room. "Wow!" he said. "Just think of what kind of score he could have had if he hadn't been sick!" =-=-=--=-=-=-= A husband was with his wife when she decided to buy something for their daughter-in-law at an exclusive lingerie shop. Inside, the husband was feeling very out of place when a beautiful clerk asked if she could help him. In a cocky manner, he asked, "Where are all the men's clothes?" In a demure voice the clerk replied, "All of these clothes are for men, sir." -=-=-=-=-=-=-=- A little boy went up to his father and asked: "Dad, where did all of my intelligence come from?" The father replied: "Well, son, you must have gotten it from your mother, 'cause I still have mine." -==-=-=-=-=-=- As an instructor in driver education at the local area High School, I've learned that even the brightest students can become flustered behind the wheel. One day I had three beginners in the car, each scheduled to drive for 30 minutes. When the first student had completed his time, I asked him to change places with one of the others. Gripping the wheel tightly and staring straight ahead, he asked in a shaky voice, "Should I stop the car first?" -=-=-=-=-=-=-=-= What's the difference between a new husband and a new dog? After a year, the dog is still excited to see you. -=-=-=-=-=-=-=-= My dog is so lazy that he waits for another one to bark and then just nods his head! --=-=-=-=-=-=-=- The Beatles Updated III Unix Man He's a real UNIX Man Sitting in his UNIX LAN Making all his UNIX plans For nobody. Knows the blocksize from du(1) Cares not where /dev/null goes to Isn't he a bit like you And me? UNIX Man, please listen(2) My lpd(8) is missin' UNIX Man The wo-o-o-orld is at(1) your command. He's as wise as he can be Uses lex and yacc and C UNIX Man, can you help me At all? UNIX Man, don't worry Test with time(1), don't hurry UNIX Man The new kernel boots, just like you had planned. He's a real UNIX Man Sitting in his UNIX LAN Making all his UNIX .plans For nobody ... Making all his UNIX .plans For nobody. -=-=-=-=-=-=-=-= Golden Rules for a successful working life.... ...according to the "Seinfeld" character George Costanza Never walk without a document in your hands .- - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - .- - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - ----- People with documents in their hands look like hardworking employees heading for important meetings. People with nothing in their hands look like they're heading for the cafeteria. People with a newspaper in their hand look like they're heading for the toilet. Above all, make sure you carry loads of stuff home with you at night, thus generating the false impression that you work longer hours than you do. Use computers to look busy .- - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - ------- Any time you use a computer, it looks like "work" to the casual observer. You can send and receive personal e-mail, chat and generally have a blast without doing anything remotely related to work. These aren't exactly the societal benefits that the proponents of the computer revolution would like to talk about but they're not bad either. When you get caught by your boss - and you *will* get caught -- your best defense is to claim you're teaching yourself to use new software, thus saving valuable training dollars. Messy desk ---------- Top management can get away with a clean desk. For the rest of us, it looks like we're not working hard enough. Build huge piles of documents around your workspace. To the observer, last year's work looks the same as today's work; it's volume that counts. Pile them high and wide. If you know somebody is coming to your cubicle, bury the document you'll need halfway down in an existing stack and rummage for it when he/she arrives. Voice Mail ---------- Never answer your phone if you have voice mail. People don't call you just because they want to give you something for nothing - they call because they want YOU to do work for THEM. That's no way to live. Screen all your calls through voice mail. If somebody leaves a voice mail message for you and it sounds like impending work, respond during lunch hour when you know they're not there - it looks like you're hardworking and conscientious even though you're being a devious weasel. Looking Impatient and Annoyed .- - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - ---------- According to George Costanza, one should also always try to look impatient and annoyed to give your bosses the impression that you are always busy. Leave the office late .- - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - -- Always leave the office late, especially when the boss is still around. You could read magazines and storybooks that you always wanted to read but have no time until late before leaving. Make sure you walk past the boss' room on your way out. Send important emails at unearthly hours (e.g. 9:35pm, 7:05am, etc.) and during public holidays. Creative Sighing for Effect .- - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - -------- Sigh loudly when there are many people around, giving the impression that you are under extreme pressure. Stacking Strategy ----------------- It is not enough to pile lots of documents on the table. Put lots of books on the floor etc. (thick computer manuals are the best). Build Vocabulary ---------------- Read up on some computer magazines and pick out all the jargon and new products. Use the phrases freely when in conversation with bosses. Remember: They don't have to understand what you say, but you sure sound impressive. MOST IMPORTANT: ========================= DON'T forward this to your boss by mistake! -=- -=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-= -=-=-=-=-=-=-= -=-=-=-=-=-=- Subject: PP 2001.08 Date: Sat, 7 Apr 2001 12:51:15 -0500 From: phil proctor <PProctor@compuserve.com To: 3 <pproctor@compuserve.com ((((((((((((((((( PLANET PROCTOR 2001.08 - http://www.planetproctor.com "I think this world would be unliveable without art." - Director Steven Soderberg LAND O' GOSHEN For all of you who were concerned about my 86-year-old mother, Audre, I'm happy to report thatt she made it through a rough surgery last week, is recovering well and will soon return to her new apartment at the Greencroft assisted living quarters where I hope she'll enjoy a long and less stressful life. Ironically, our pal producer Steve Ziplow was visiting his mom at her Boca Raton assisted care living home when the Spring time change went into effect. "They passed out a flyer," he writes, "informing the inmates that the staff was willing to come around and set the clocks ahead for a fee of $7.50. I couldn't believe this, absolutely outrageous. I turned to my mother and said 'Don't worry mom, I'll do it for $5.00.'" Of course, the Hoosier State refuses to even acknowledge Daylight Saving Time with the exception of a few counties, while citizens interviewed in the Elkhart Daily Truth say "Don't mess with what's not broken," and "Hell, we're retired, we could care less... the Good Lord said don't worry about tomorrow. Tommorrow will take care of itself." Gee, and I thought that was a song lyric... "Correction: On last month's schedule the writing credit for the film 'Pollock' should have read as follows: Based on upon the book 'Jackson Pollock: An Maerican Saga'" - From Written By, the Writers Guild of America, West magazine IN YOUR FACE! During a week when Larry Harmon, the original "Bozo", announced that after four decades, he was hanging up his nose, I was not surprised when Commedia Artist John Achorn sent me a Reuters article about circus clowns taking out "custard pie insurance" so as not to be sued by splattered spectators. "With an increasingly litigation-crazy public," stated a Clowns International release at its annual convention, "the ethics and legal implications of 'splatting' and 'sloshing' are expected to be hotly debated under the Big Top." Although no clown has yet been slapped with a suit by a custard-covered customer, C.I.'s honorary vice-president, Martin "Zippo" Burton stresses that only "fellow clowns and celebrities" should be targeted and that "white-faced clowns must never be hit." That, I assume, would be a waste of a good pie. "Human history becomes more and more a race between education and catastrophe." - H.G. Wells WORKERS UNITE!!! Would you like to work for a company with these statistics: 29 have been accused of spousal abuse - 7 have been arrested for fraud - 19 have been accused of writing bad checks - 117 have directly or indirectly bankrupted at least 2 businesses - 3 have done time for assault - 71 cannot get a credit card due to bad credit - 14 have been arrested on drug-related charges - 8 have been arrested for shoplifting - 21 are currently defendants in lawsuits and 84 have been arrested for drunk driving in the last year . . . ? Then join the 535 members of the United States Congress -- the same bozos that pass laws daily to keep us in line! (From Glen Banks) "MacDonalds today denied rumors that their hamburgers are made from mad cows, but admitted that sometimes, they get hot cross buns." - Joan Shook Campeau IN YOUR EAR In this science-fictional year of 2001, on April 28, a Bradbury Award will be presented at the Science Fiction Writers Of America's L.A. Nebula Banquet to honor "a dramatic medium whose important contribution to science fiction and narrative culture is often overlooked" - Audio Theater! It will be presented to Yuri Rasovsky for his NPR series "2000X - Tales of the Next Millennia", hosted by Harlan Ellison, which adapted more than 40 classic science fiction stories into 26 hour-long episodes, included Ray Bradbury's "Pillar of Fire," Ursula K. LeGuin's "Vaster Than Empires and More Slow," Robert Heinlein's "By His Bootstraps," Kurt Vonnegut's "Tomorrow and Tomorrow and Tomorrow," and Harlan Ellison's "'Repent Harlequin!' Said the Ticktockman". Richard Dreyfuss, Robin Williams (and Phil Proctor and Melinda Peterson) were among the stellar cast of performers for Yuri's Hollywood Theatre of the Ear, recorded mostly at Warren Dewey's Santa Monica Studios. "An ancient Japanese Saying says, give a man a fish, he eats for a day. Teach a man to fish, he gets hit by a nuclear submarine." - Jan Cobbler HOUSE RULES FOR CATS DOORS: Do not allow any closed doors in any room. To get door open, stand on hind legs and hammer with forepaws. It is not necessary to use it. After you have ordered an "outside" door opened, stand halfway in and out and think about several things. This is particularly important during very cold weather, rain, snow, or mosquito season. Avoid swinging doors.. CHAIRS & RUGS: If you have to throw up, get to a chair quickly. If you cannot manage that in time, get to an Oriental rug. Or shag is good. When throwing up, make sure you back up so it is as long as a bare human foot. BATHROOMS: Always accompany guests to the bathroom. Just sit and stare. HAMPERING: If one of your humans is engaged in some close activity and the other is idle, stay with the busy one. This is called "helping," or "hampering." 1) When supervising cooking, sit unseen just behind the heel of the cook where there's a better chance of being stepped on, picked up and comforted. 2) For book readers, get in close under the chin, between eyes and book, unless you can lie across the book itself. 3) For knitting projects or paperwork, lie on the work in the most appropriate manner so as to obscure as much of the work as possible. Pretend to doze, but every so often reach out and slap the pencil or knitting needles. The worker may try to distract you; ignore it. Remember, the aim is to hamper work. And embroidery and needlepoint projects make great hammocks! 4) For people paying bills (monthly activity) or working on income taxes or Christmas cards (annual activity), keep in mind the aim: to hamper! First, sit on the paper being worked on. When dislodged, watch sadly from the side of the table. When activity proceeds nicely, roll around on the papers, scattering them. After being removed again, push pens, pencils, and erasers off the table, one by one. 5) When a human is holding the newspaper, be sure to jump on the back of the paper. They love to jump, too! 6) When human is at a computer, jump up on desk, walk across keyboard, bat at "mouse" pointer on screen and then lay in human's lap across arms, hampering typing in progress! WALKING: Dart quickly as close as possible in front of the human, especially: on stairs, when they have something in their arms, in the dark, and when they first get up in the morning. This will help their coordination skills. BEDTIME: Always sleep on the human so it cannot move around. LITTERING: When using the litter box, be sure to kick as much litter out of the box as possible. Humans love the feel of kitty litter between their toes. Every now and then, hide in a place where the humans cannot find you. Do not come out for three to four hours under any circumstances. This will cause the humans to panic (which they love) thinking that you have runaway or are lost. Once you do come out, the humans will cover you with love and kisses and you will probably get a treat. REMEMBER: Whenever possible, get close to a human, especially their face, turn around and present your butt to them. Humans love this, so do it often and don't forget guests. "Excuse me, do you have the director's cut of "Schindler's Fist"? - Phil Hendry YOU KNOW YOU'RE IN L.A. IF . . . You make over $250,000 a year and still can't afford a house. Over 85% of the cities, towns, and streets start with San, Los, El, La, Santa, De La, or De Los. Your child's third grade teacher has purple hair, a nose ring, and is named Breeze. You've been to a baby shower for an infant who has two mothers and a sperm donor. You have a masseuse, a trainer, a shrink and a psychic and so does your dog. Your hairdresser is straight, your plumber is gay, and your Mary Kay rep is a guy in drag. (You can't remember -- is pot legal?) You know which restaurant serves the freshest arugula. You know which nights Wolfgang is actually cooking at Spago and make reservations weeks in advance. If your market doesn't have pitted calamatas (organically grown), imported Italian prosciutto and free range chickens (corn fed), you don't even bother to shop there. The guy in line at Starbucks wearing the baseball cap and sunglasses who looks like George Clooney -- IS George Clooney. There are twenty-six ways you can order your tea, and you have a very strong opinion about where your coffee beans are grown and can taste the difference between Sumatran and Ethiopian. You don't mind paying $14 for a martini; the problem is...what KIND of martini? (Hey, is pot legal?) You whip out the down ski jacket if it dips below 80 degrees.Two overcast days in a row drive you mad. It's sprinkling out, and there's a report on every news channel about "The Impending Storm!" so you leave for work and hour early to avoid all the weather-related accidents. Everyone who lives here knows that hurricanes, tornadoes, floods and snowstorms are way worse than earthquakes, which are, after all, over almost as soon as you realize what's happening. Your car insurance costs as much as your house payment. A really great parking space can move you to tears. You pass a metered space on the street eighteen feet prior to the valet stand. A family of four owns six vehicles. Even if the store is across the street, you drive there. (Yeah, you're sure. Pot is legal.) "What would the world be like if dinosaurs hadn't gone extinct? [For] one thing, L. A. would be even weirder than it is now." - Dave Barry, of Eric Garcia's "Anonymous Rex" HOW MANY DOGS...TO CHANGE A LIGHT BULB? *Border Collie: Just one. Then I'll replace any wiring that's not up to code. *Rottweiler: Make me! *Lab: Oh, me, me! Pleeease let me change the light bulb! Can I? Can I? Huh? Huh? *Dachshund: You know I can't reach that stupid lamp! *Malamute: Let the Border Collie do it. You can feed me while he's busy. *Jack Russell Terrier: I'll just pop it in while I'm bouncing off the walls. *Greyhound: It isn't moving. Who cares? *Cocker Spaniel: Why change it? I can still pee on the carpet in the dark. *Mastiff: Screw it yourself! I'm not afraid of the dark... *Doberman: While it's out, I'll just take a nap on the couch. *Boxer: Who needs light? I can still play with my squeaky toys in the dark. *Irish Wolfhound: Can somebody else do it? I've got this hangover... *Pointer: I see it, there it is, there it is, right there! *Chihuahua: Yo quiero Taco Bulb? *Australian Shepherd: First, I'll put all the light bulbs in a little circle... *Westie: Dogs do not change light bulbs; people change light bulbs. I am not one of THEM so the question is -- how long before I can expect my light again? *Poodle: I'll just blow in the Border Collie's ear and he'll do it. By the time he finishes rewiring the house, my nails will be dry. *Golden Retriever: The sun is shining, the day is young, we've got our whole lives ahead of us, and you're inside worrying about a stupid burned-out bulb? *Old English Sheep dog: Light bulb? That thing I just ate was a light bulb? *Basset Hound: Zzzzzzzzzzzzzz... "In an effort to help out in the current energy crisis, the light at the end of the tunnel will be turned off until further notice." - PG&E, from Peter Van Norden JOHNSON GOES OVER Charles Johnson, 76-year-old leader of the Flat Earth Society, went off the edge convinced til the end, that the Earth we inhabit is an immeasurable disc with the North Pole at the center and an "impenetrable wall of Arctic ice 150 feet high all around us." Furthermore, the sun and moon are each 32 miles wide and circle the disc at a height of 3000 miles. Risings and settings are "optical illusions." Even Jesus believed in a Flat earth, Johnson asserted, because if the world was spherical, how could he ascend to Heaven, since there could be no up or down. He'll be missed. Who couldn't fall for a guy who says that "so-called science consists of a weird, way-out occult concoction of gibberish, [and] theory-theology...unrelated to the real world of facts." Sure. And next they'll be telling us that Pluto's not really a planet, just a trans-Neptunian ice ball! "Never tell the truth to people who are not worthy of it." - Mark Twain THE OTHER PHIL Phil Austin, that is, turned 60 on April 6th, and his gorgeous wife, Oona, threw a humdinger of a party filled with good food, good drink and best of all, a gathering of dear friends. We have good reason to celebrate as well, because the FST is starting work on it's next CD for Rhino, "The Bride of Firesign" next week! Happy Birthday, Dear Partner! "In the latest Johnson-Smith catalog, they are offering a phone that farts, for $29.95. Pac Smell, indeed." - Kari Hendler JUST ASKING You've got to start off each day with a song and a dance Start off each day with a song and a dance! But if you don't know how to dance, don't do a dance; And if you don't know how to sing, just do a dance, don't sing a song! Now if you don't know how to dance and you don't know how to sing; If you don't know how to do anything, then here's what I'd like t'know -- Ha-ho! What are ya doin' in a show? - Song by Ronny Graham from Dana Snow "Strength and Honor!" - "Scotch and Soda!" - The Sopranos +++++++++++(APRIL 7, 2001)++++++++++ * FIRESIGN SITE: www.firesigntheatre.com * FIREZINE SITE: www.firezine.net * FIRESIGN PRODUCT: www.lodestone-media.com * FUNNY TIMES: www.funnytimes.com * PHIL'S V.O. : www.cedvoices.com -- Have a magic day and pass it on. Magic Mike http://funandmagic.com/ Learn how to perform for fun or profit. http://funandmagic.com/lessons.html/ Make $10-$20/hour at home http://homework4s.com/ 3.9 cents/min. phone 24x7 No fees or contracts http://ld.net/?phon4less/ High speed dial-up for free! http://ld.net/?phon4less Home or business with security systems. FREE equipment, with monitoring. http://ld.net/?phon4less Subject: you deserve to be happy Date: Tue, 10 Apr 2001 12:52:54 -0700 From: Magic Mike <mmb Organization: http://funandmagic.com To: you <you http://funandmagic.com/inspirational-thought.html -- Have a magic day and pass it on. Magic Mike http://funandmagic.com/ Learn how to perform for fun or profit. http://funandmagic.com/lessons.html/ Make $10-$20/hour at home http://homework4s.com/ 3.9 cents/min. phone 24x7 No fees or contracts http://ld.net/?phon4less/ High speed dial-up for free! http://ld.net/?phon4less Subject: Where's the gold? 360 degree at Yosemite, Krapola Happens Date: Fri, 06 Apr 2001 00:37:37 -0700 From: Magic Mike <mmb Organization: http://funandmagic.com To: Magic Mike Berger <mmb Hi, Well, my site hit 2000 pages visited today for the first time. Here's knocking on RAM it continues. So I want to ask you, where did you get your gold? Get a little of this precious metal and feel the antiquity. Chances are it is really ancient. Gold is only formed in the middle of a Nova or at Big Bang force levels. But they weighed all the gold in the Universe and that didn't explain why there is a lot more. So, now they figure that most gold occurred when two neutron stars collided. Neutron stars are the heavy remains of a Nova that doesn't make a Black Hole. Two neutron stars will slam together like two MegaMagnets, and that force spit out gold, as the juice. See a representation of this today along with a 360° View from Glacier Point Yosemite N.P., California. Also at my site http://funandmagic.com/ Light Five Spice Orange Slices, Light Apple and Tuna Salad, Apricot Truffles, and Cola Chicken. Today's Pick at Atom Films is a comedy from Sweden. What kind of story can a film tell that only runs a minute and a half? I don't read Swedish writing, but it looks like this is called When The Crap Hits The Fan, but the actual name in English is down as "Shit Happens" Sweden | 1:35 Comedy International Director: Peter Ostlund Synopsis: A father and son's fishing trip goes sadly awry when some shit happens. http://www.atomfilms.com/default.asp?film_id=1469 . Everything changes, nothing remains without change. Buddha -=-=-=-=---=-= The optimist sees opportunity in every danger; the pessimist sees danger in every opportunity. Sir. Winston Churchill -=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-= A guy is walking up to the doctor's office when a nun comes running out screaming and crying. The guy walks in and says, "Doc, what's with the nun?" The doctor says, "Oh, I just told her she's pregnant." The guy says, "The nun's pregnant?" The doctor says, "No. But it certainly cured her hiccups." -=---=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=- One night a father was helping his son with his homework. The father asked "What is the Gross National Product?". The little boy pondered for a minute and replied "Spinach!?". -=-=-=--=-=-=-=--=- I was browsing in a souvenir shop when the man next to me struck up a conversation. Just as he was telling me that his wife was getting carried away with her shopping, a brief power shortage caused the lights to flicker overhead. "That," he sighed, "must be her checking out now -=-=-=-=-=-=--=-=-= TIME WAITS FOR NO ONE To realize the value of one year: ask a student who has failed a final exam To realize the value of one month: ask a mother who has given a birth to a premature baby. To realize the value of one week: ask an editor of a weekly newspaper. To realize the value of one hour: ask the lovers who are waiting to meet. To realize the value of one minute: ask the person who has missed the train, bus or plane. To realize the value of one second: ask a person who has won a silver medal in the Olympics. Time waits for no one . Treasure every moment you have. Unknown -- Have a magic day and pass it on. Magic Mike http://funandmagic.com/ Learn how to perform for fun or profit. http://funandmagic.com/lessons.html/ Make $10-$20/hour at home http://homework4s.com/ 3.9 cents/min. phone 24x7 No fees or contracts http://ld.net/?phon4less/ High speed dial-up for free! http://ld.net/?phon4less Subject: Another Amazing Aurora from Arizona, 360 Degree Tour of Bourbon Street, New Orleans, "That Face" Date: Wed, 04 Apr 2001 18:51:10 -0700 From: Magic Mike Berger <mmb To: you <you Hi, I mentioned large Coronal Ejections were maximizing the other day. They produced atmospheric aurora as for South as Arizona, where today's delicious photo link takes us. Also, the 360 Degree Tour is of Bourbon Street in New Orleans. I spent every night for 3 months at this corner, performing, in 1991 from Mardi Gras to New Orleans Jazz Heritage Festival. Boy do I recommend this weekend to weekend 10 day musical Heaven, on nine outdoor stages simultaneously. It happens at the end of April every year. NEVER bet someone in New Orleans that they know where you got your shoes. They'll take your $20 and say, "You got them shoes on Bourbon Street." and they'll be right. Welching on a bet is against the law in The French Quarter. You'll see these at my site http://funandmagic.com/ along with new Recipes: French Country Casserole and Maple Syrup Pie. My site has increased 150 new visitors every day, and yesterday it went over 1900 pages seen by 1000 unique visitors. Thanks. Please keep telling your friends. Those of you that have children that want to learn magic or balloon animals should see my new page on lessons. Great for adults who want to learn how to perform for fun or profit. http://funandmagic.com/lessons.html . At Atom Films I want to recommend this warm heart-warming tale. If you have children, be sure to screen this with them. I, myself, loved it. The Face USA | 22:00 Drama Experimental Family Director: Iain McCaig Producer: Jill Jurkowitz, Allison Chase Writer: James Baldwin Principal Cast: Alex Brightman, Coy Perkins, Dawn Roe, Finn Curtain Synopsis: Computer animation enhances this live-action tale of a young boy who joins his friends in listening to an elderly gentleman's elaborate stories about talking fish and other wonderful creatures. Nearing death, the old man decides to pass down his magical storytelling mask to one of his young listeners. Director Iain McCaig's film is inspired by the traditional Zen tale The Magic Seed. Be sure to click that you want to see whole film and not a preview. You must register as an Insider. It's free. http://www.atomfilms.com/default.asp?film_id=31 A mother was watching her four-year-old child playing outside in a small plastic pool half filled with water. He was happily walking back and forth across the pool, making big splashes. Suddenly, he stopped, stepped out of the pool, and began to scoop water out of the pool with a pail. "Why are you pouring the water out, Jimmy?" the mother asked. "Cause my teacher said Jesus walked on water, and this water won't work." The boy replied. -=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=- A speeding motorist was caught by radar from a police helicopter in the sky. An officer pulled him over and began to issue a traffic ticket. "How did you know I was speeding?" the frustrated driver asked. The police officer pointed somberly toward the sky. "You mean," asked the motorist, "that even He is against me?" --=-=-=-=-=-=-=-= Behind every great man is . . . his mother: Mrs. Washington: "Oh George, you never did have a head for money." Mrs. Morse: "Sam, stop tapping your fingers on the table, it's driving me crazy!" Mrs. Lindbergh: "Charles, can't you do anything by yourself?" Mrs. Armstrong: "Neil has no more business taking flying lessons than the man in the moon." -=-=-=-=-=--=-=-=-=- Today's Medical Humor is - The hospital where I volunteer at makes good use of it's volunteers. We work in almost every department doing anything we can to help. When I was being oriented to the emergency department, I was told that it would be understood by all if I did not want to volunteer there if my stomach could not handle the daily going ons of an emergency room. No sooner did those words leave her mouth when a man came running into the ER lobby with a nail that was half way sticking out the top of his hand and the remaining portion in and through the bottom of his hand. (from a nail gun I am told) I looked at his bleeding hand as he waved it in my face asking me what he should do, and I calmly asked him to please have a seat and the nurse would be right with him. As we turned around to notify the triage nurse, my guide put her hand on my shoulder and with a chuckle, said "I think you'll do just fine." -=-=-=-=-=-=-=-= Basically, there are three ways to lose money, racing being the quickest of the three, women being the pleasantest, and farming being the most certain way of the three. -=-=-=--=-=-=-=- "Doctor!" whined the patient. "I keep seeing spots before my eyes." The physician scratched his head, "Why have you come to me? Have you seen an opthalmologist?" "No," replied the patient, "just spots." -=--=-=-=-=-=-=-=-= A business professor was giving a lecture on company slogans and was asking his students if they were familiar with them. "Donna," he asked, "which company has the slogan, 'come fly the friendly skies'?" Donna answered the correct airline. "Bill, can you tell me which company has the slogan, "Don't leave home without it?" Bill answered the correct credit card company. "Now Steve, Tell me which company bears the slogan, 'Just do it'?" And Steve answered, "Mom...." -=-=-=-=-=-=-=-= A little kid walks into a movie theater one day. At the counter, he buys one ticket and then goes in. All of a sudden he comes back out and buys another one. "Why do you want another one?" The man at the counter asks curiously, The kid replies, "Because that man over there ripped the other one!" -=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=- Todd attended a fire safety seminar, where he watched a fire official demonstrate the proper way to operate an extinguisher. "Pull the pin like a hand grenade," he explained, "then depress the trigger to release the foam." Later, Todd was selected to extinguish a controlled fire in the parking lot. In his nervousness, he forgot to pull the pin. The instructor hinted, "Like a hand grenade, remember?" In a burst of confidence he pulled the pin... and hurled the extinguisher at the blaze. -- Have a magic day and pass it on. Magic Mike http://funandmagic.com/ Learn how to perform for fun or profit. http://funandmagic.com/lessons.html Make $10-$20/hour at home http://homework4s.com/ 4.9 cents/min. phone 24x7 no fees or contracts http://ld.net/?phon4less High speed dial-up for free! Highspeedinfo Subject: [Fwd: Wonderful Red Sunrise at Equinox, 360 degree Wailing Wall Tour] Date: Tue, 03 Apr 2001 18:39:33 -0700 From: Magic Mike Berger <mmb To: Magic Mike Berger <mmb -- Have a magic day and pass it on. Magic Mike http://funandmagic.com/ Make $10-$20/hour at home http://homework4s.com/ 4.9 cents/min. phone 24x7 no fees or contracts http://ld.net/?phon4less High speed dial-up for free! Highspeedinfo Subject: Wonderful Red Sunrise at Equinox, 360 degree Wailing Wall Tour Date: Tue, 03 Apr 2001 01:57:14 -0700 From: Magic Mike Berger <mmb Organization: http://funandmagic.com http://homework4s.com To: you <you Never argue with a woman when she is tired...or rested. Hi, This photo link is just indescribable. So, I'll try. Long canal at deep red sunrise with poles and wires framing it into infinity. Set the controls for the heart of the sun. At Spring equinox, the Sun rising exactly along the east-west oriented Western Canal, in Tempe, Arizona. The 360 Degree tour today The Wailing Wall. You are standing beside the Western Wall in Jerusalem's Old City. The Recipe Page has Slow Cooked Lamb Chops, Chocolate Popcorn, Pigall's Fusion Chicken, and Sauerkraut Chocolate Cake. See all this at http://funandmagic.com/ . I have started to give live, private lessons in magic, balloon animals, or marketing, http://funandmagic.com/lessons.html . My site hit a new high yesterday of 1800 pages visited by over 800 unique people a day. Current response to my banners is bringing 45 new people a day and I see another 100 people a day coming in from search engines. Our laugh from Lev today is Tales of Mere Existence: Evolution USA | :45 Animation Collection Comedy Experimental Creator: Lev Synopsis If origami requires having opposable thumbs, then how do you explain origami salesmen? http://www.atomfilms.com/default.asp?film_id=586 . The definition of a Jewish menage a trois? Two headaches and a hard-on. -=-==-=-=-=--=- The morning went fine as the children understood the system for going to the bathroom. Mid-day, in the back of the classroom, little Johnny started to shout, " Teacher !, Teacher...Quick give me a number...I have to fart ! " -=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-= (Reportedly) Real Headlines Boy Declared Dead, Revives as Family Protests Dead Coyote Found in Bronx Launches Search for its Mate 42% of All Murdered Women are Killed by the Same Man National Hunting Group Targeting Women (oh, really??) Fire Officials Grilled over Kerosene Heaters Police Can't Stop Gambling Youth Hit by Car Riding Bicycle Hostage-Taker Kills self; Police Shoot Each Other Check With Doctors Before Getting Sick -=-=-=-=--=-=-= Today's Medical Humor is - I had a patient who kept taking off his nasal cannula and his oxygen levels would drop down into the low 80's. I tried repeatedly to impress upon him the importance of leaving his oxygen on. Other than this one thing, he was completely lucid. It was driving me crazy. Finally, I told him that no matter what, he had to keep his cannula on, and there would be no compromise. His body needed the extra oxygen. The next time I came to the floor, I saw him walking around huffing and puffing and not looking so great. But to his credit, his cannula was on and the unconnected tubing was nicely tucked into his pocket. Sometimes you just can't win. --=-==-=-=-=-=-= Teaching college students isn't much different from teaching any other grade. There are those who come to learn and those who don't. On the first day of freshman composition class, a young man attending class on the Veterans' Bill came up to me after class and said, "How about if I skip the classes and just come and take the final?" I said, "It's fine with me, but after you miss three classes, I'll have to report you to the Veterans' Administration." He came to all the classes. -=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-= Teachable Moments I taught pre-school 4- and 5-year-olds for 21 years. I've heard tales you wouldn't believe! One thing happened in class one day that made me feel I'd heard it all! Teachers look for those precious "teachable moments" that make the teaching experience so worthwhile! I thought I'd been presented with one when little Beau asked, "Is it 'nigger or negger?'" In the South, we constantly fought prejudices, and I thought I was being confronted with one. Quickly, I said that it used to be Negro (as I mentally planned the wording to inform him that the term had changed), to which Beau turned his very perplexed gaze to me. He asked, "Arnold Schwarzenegro?" -=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-= Buying groceries As I walked around the grocery store, I noticed a young man who seemed to be following me and watching what I bought. Finally, he came up and told me he was a college student buying his own groceries for the first time. When we reached the cooler that holds the cartons of eggs, I picked up a carton, lifted the top, and inspected the eggs. The young man did the same, but he whispered to me, "What are we looking for?" =-=-=-=-=-=-=-=- His parents start lecturing him, and Johnny explains that everyone in his class did poorly, not just him. "But what about David down the street?" they said. "He brought home all A's and B's." "Well, David is different," he retorted. "How so?" His father asked. "Cuz his parents are smart!" -=-=-=-=-=-=-=-===- Mother: "Why are you home from school so early?" Son: "I was the only one who could answer a question." Mother: "Oh, really? What was the question?" Son: "Who threw the eraser at the teacher?" -=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=- A teacher observed a boy with dirty hands entering the classroom. She stopped him and said, "John, please wash your hands. My goodness, what would you say if I came into the room with hands like that?" With a smile the boy replied, "I think I'd be too polite to mention it." =-=-==-=-=-=-=- As an elderly lady was boarding the plane, she said to the flight attendant, "Do these things crash very often?" The attendant replied, "No, just once!" -=-=-=-=-=--=-=-= Mrs. Smith was a hypochondriac. Dr. Jones was fed up with her constant complaints about non-existent illnesses, so he started palming her off with a mild sedative to keep her happy. One day she complained about chest pains and the doctor prescribed his usual treatment. This time however, the pain was real and Mrs. Smith died of a heart attack. On hearing of her death, Dr. Jones was so upset he died of shock. Mrs. Smith and Dr. Jones were buried next to each other in the cemetery. The next morning, Dr. Jones heard a tapping on his coffin, followed by a voice saying, "Dr. Jones, this is Mrs. Smith. Do you have anything for worms?" -=-=-=-=-=-=-= Office Illness The Ten Most Common Forms of Office Illness 1. The Macy's One Day Sale Flu. 2. The Drivers License Renewal Appointment 24-Hour Virus. 3. The Friday-Afternoon-Start-The-Weekend-Early Sudden Unbearable Stomach Pains. 4. The I'm Looking for a New Job and I Don't Know How Long It's Going to Take, but I Want To Stay On The Payroll Until Then Mysterious Infection. 5. The My Boyfriend's Got the Week Off So Suddenly I'm Too Contagious To Come In To The Office Disease. 6. The I Need a Hair Cut and My Stylist Doesn't Make Evening Appointments Bout of Influenza. 7. The There's No Federal Holidays for Two Months and I Want a Day Off Sickness. 8. The It's Spring Break and I Want To Pretend I'm a Teenager Again General Ailment. 9. The I've Screwed Up Royally and I Won't Come In To Face the Music Terminal Illness. 10. The I Really Am Sick and I've Got The Doctor's Bills and the Completed Medical Expense Reimbursement Forms to Prove It Infirmity. -- Have a magic day and pass it on. Magic Mike http://funandmagic.com/ On-line Magic or Balloon Lessons - http://funandmagic.com/lessons.html Make $10-$20/hour at home http://homework4s.com/ 4.9 cents/min. phone 24x7 no fees or contracts http://ld.net/?phon4less High speed dial-up for free! Highspeedinfo Material, design and coding, Copyright 1996-2005 by Magic Mike, except as noted. All Rights Reserved. - Seattle, Wa.

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