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Magic Mike's Jokes Archive #33
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"Since all phenomena, is a product of one's own mind,
empty of meaning, like a magician's illusion,
having nothing to do with good or bad, acceptance or rejection,
one might burst out in laughter."
- Longchenpa, 13th century Tibetan monk.
Subject: Alaskan Aurora, 360 degree tour of Tower Pisa Date: Sat, 31 Mar 2001 10:37:31 -0800 From: Magic Mike Berger <mmb To: you <you
Hi, A large Coronal Mass Ejection headed our way last week making Aurora displays. An incredible green one was captured on film over Alaska. Tonight, March 31 will be a peak night for sky gazers. Also, let's take a 360 Degree tour of The Leaning Tower of Pisa from Pisa's Campo dei Miracoli (Field of Miracles). The newly added recipes are Sauerkraut Chocolate Cake, Artichoke and Spinach Stuffed Shells, Easy Taco Soup, Fat Free Oatmeal Cookies, Apple and Beet Salad, Marinated Carrots, Ann Landers' Meat Loaf, Coconut Crunch Delight, Cheesy Ham Beer Soup, Chocolate Chip Cookie Dough Cheesecake, COFFEE-CHIP FUDGE, APPLE BUTTER BREAD, GROUND BEEF AND SPINACH CASSEROLE. See all this at http://funandmagic.com/ . Our Atom Film series on Lev's Tales Of Mere Existaance continues with "Eskimo". Synopsis: Lev goes out on the town with a special lady friend and ends up being the life of the party and an amnesiac. http://www.atomfilms.com/default.asp?film_id=285 . REMEMBER TO SPRING FORWARD TONIGHT!
new bumper sticker
"Excuse my driving, My mother inlaw is in the backseat"
-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=
Fractured Phrases ---- Rigor Morris: The cat is dead.
Veni, vidi, vice: I came, I saw, I partied.
Cogito eggo sum: I think; therefore, I am a waffle.
Carne diem: Seize the meat.
Le roi es mort; jive le roi: The king is dead; no kidding.
-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-
On my first day respiratory clinicals, I was assigned to work with a therapist that believed speed was everything. As we rushed to begin our floor therapy, we entered the first patients room. She was so busy telling me how do give a neb treatment, that she neglected to assess the patient.......who had expired. The family had to tell her after she had already put the smoking mask on the patient. She was so embarrassed and so was I.
--=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=
Two doctors are walking down the corridor of the hospital. First doc asks, "Did you tell that lawyer in room 316 that he was going to die?" "Sure did", second one answers. First doc says, "Darn! I wanted to tell him!"
-=-=-=-==-=-=
After reading the morning headlines about the recent stock market downturn, a high-powered executive trying to impress a client in his office, flipped on his intercom switch and barked to his secretary, "Miss Hunter, get my broker!"
The client was impressed until he heard the secretary's clear voice saying, "Yes, sir, stock or pawn?"
-=-=-=-=-=--=-=-
A man known for his shady business tactics was giving advice to his son, who had just graduated from college. "There are two rules," the man said, "to keep in mind throughout your business career. The first is: When you give your word, always keep it."
"Yes, Dad," the young man said. "And what's the second rule?"
"Don't give your word."
-=-=--=-=-=-=-=
You look like a million bucks! All green and wrinkled
-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-
Why does a man have a clear conscience? Because it's never used.
-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=
A girl goes to the gynecologist for the first time. She's up in the stirrups, and the doctor notices she's trembling. He says: "You're nervous, aren't you?" "Yes, it's my first visit to a gynechologist." "Would you like me to numb you down there?" "Oh, yes please." He sticks his face between her legs and goes: "Num, num, num . . ."
--=-=-=-=-=-=-
A drunk stumbled into a doctor's office and said, "Shey, doc, you gotta help me put my dick back on." "Where is it?" "Right here in my pocket." "That's a cigar." "Oh my God, doc! I smoked my dick!"
-=-=-=-=-=-=-=
Why did the blonde resolve to have only three children? Because she read that one child out of every four born was Chinese.
What do you call a group of blondes in the freezer? Frosted Flakes.
-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-
A bus stops and two Italian men get on. They sit down and engage in an animated conversation. The lady sitting behind them ignores them at first, but her attention is galvanized when she hears one of the men say the following: "Emma come first. Den I come. Den two asses come together. I come once-a-more. Two asses, they come together again. I come again and pee twice. Then I come one lasta time."
"You foul mouthed swine," retorted the lady indignantly. "In this country we don't talk about our sex lives in public!"
"Hey, coola down lady," said the man. "Who talkin' abouta sexa? I'm just
tellin' my frienda how to spella 'Mississippi'."
-=--=-=-=-=-=-=
A secretary walked into her boss's office & said, "I'm afraid I've got some bad news for you"
"Why do you always have to give me bad news?" he complained. "Tell me some good news for once."
"Alright, here's some good news," said the secretary. "You're not sterile."
-=-=-=-=-=-=-=
How does a teenage schoolboy propose marriage? YOUR'E HAVING A WHAT???
Subject: keep losing thos link, sorry Date: Thu, 29 Mar 2001 07:51:20 -0800 From: Magic Mike Berger <mmb To: you <you
http://www.atomfilms.com/default.asp?film_id=291
Subject: Temple ruins in Sicily and a 360 Degree Tour of Süleymaniye Mosque Istanbul Date: Thu, 29 Mar 2001 02:00:31 -0800 From: Magic Mike Berger <mmb To: you <you
Hi, Temple ruins in Sicily and a 360 Degree Tour of Süleymaniye Mosque Istanbul, Turkey are the photo choices at my Photo Links page. Recipes today are Light Jerk Meat Loaf and Light Honey-Baked Apples. http://funandmagic.com/ New art and sayings at the Inspiration Page, too. There was a new smoking report issued. This is perfect timing. See aanother humorous animation by Lev, Tales of Mere Existence: Cigarettes USA | :39 Animation Collection Comedy Experimental Creator: Lev Synopsis: Lev lists his nicotine heroes in this ode to the love of smoking. At Atom Films you must register as an Insider to see whole animations or you only see a one minute preview. It's free. Be sure to use the speed option window for your connection speed. If you have trouble, try a lower speed.
A Pharmacy Sophomore was taking a course in dispensing. One day they were discussing the various labels affixed to prescription containers, such as "Take with food" and "Take with water."
At the end of class, the professor passed out a few sample labels. Days later she noticed that a classmate had struck one of them onto his chemistry textbook. It read "Caution: may cause drowsiness."
-=-=-=-=-=-=-=
David goes to see a therapist. During the session, the therapist asks, "How is your sex life?"
"I have a lot of issues with sex," David replies.
"What kind of issues?" the therapist asks.
"Oh, mostly Hustler, and Penthouse."
-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-
NASA PLANS "EXPLOSIVE" COMMEMORATION FOR CHALLENGER INCIDENT
NASA confirmed today that, for the fifteenth anniversary of the Challenger accident, it would explode a random shuttle flight in the next few months by replacing the reconditioned "O-Rings" on the booster engines with day-old Krispy Kreme donuts.
NASA Flight Director Bob Clarke explained. "Folks are taking the shuttle flights as routine again. We thought this would be an interesting way to remember the Challenger crew and get the public's attention, all in one fell swoop."
Writers for the Tonight Show and Late Night with David Lettermen were ecstatic with NASA's decision. "Man, think of all of the great jokes we can use again! Like, what were Christa McAulliffe's last words to her husband? 'You feed the dogs, I'll feed the fishes!' And, what's a Challenger cocktail? Seven-Up with a splash of Teachers!"
Krispy Kreme representative Michelle King said, "We're pleased to be playing a part in this historic anniversary. Oh, and did you hear what was the last words on the Challenger's flight recorder? 'Ok, ok, LET *HER* drive then . . . '"
-=-=-=-=-=-=
RUSSIA KICKS OUT 50 DIPLOMATS, SENDS THEM HOME IN STYLE
Russia expelled 50 diplomats today in retaliation for a similar move by the United States in deporting Russian diplomats from Washington.
President Bush is reportedly "deeply concerned" that the diplomats were sent home on the space station Mir. "We think Russia could have at least sprung for first class tickets on a regularly scheduled flight," Bush said. "Now they're going to have to come home via the South Pacific route. It'll take them longer to get back home."
--=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=
A man walks into a restaurant with his wife. The waiter approaches the table and asks for their order. "I'll have your biggest, juiciest London Broil," he says. "But sir, what about the mad cow?!" asks the waiter. "Oh," answers the man, "she'll order for herself."
-=-=-=-=-=-=
"If a man watches three football games in a row, he should be declared legally dead." -Erma Bombeck
-=--=-=-=-=-=
"Ever notice how irons have a setting for *permanent* press? I don't get it..."
-- Steven Wright -- Have a magic day and pass it on. Magic Mike http://funandmagic.com/
Make $ at home http://homework4s.com/ 4.9 cents/min. phone no fees http://ld.net/?phon4less High speed dial-up for free! Highspeedinfo
Subject: Wonderful Red Sunrise at Equinox, 360 degree Wailing Wall Tour Date: Tue, 03 Apr 2001 01:57:14 -0700 From: Magic Mike Berger <mmb Organization: http://funandmagic.com http://homework4s.com To: you <you
Never argue with a woman when she is tired...or rested.
Hi, This photo link is just indescribable. So, I'll try. Long canal at deep red sunrise with poles and wires framing it into infinity. Set the controls for the heart of the sun. At Spring equinox, the Sun rising exactly along the east-west oriented Western Canal, in Tempe, Arizona. The 360 Degree tour today The Wailing Wall. You are standing beside the Western Wall in Jerusalem's Old City. The Recipe Page has Slow Cooked Lamb Chops, Chocolate Popcorn, Pigall's Fusion Chicken, and Sauerkraut Chocolate Cake. See all this at http://funandmagic.com/ . I have started to give live, private lessons in magic, balloon animals, or marketing, http://funandmagic.com/lessons.html . My site hit a new high yesterday of 1800 pages visited by over 800 unique people a day. Current response to my banners is bringing 45 new people a day and I see another 100 people a day coming in from search engines. Our laugh from Lev today is Tales of Mere Existence: Evolution USA | :45 Animation Collection Comedy Experimental Creator: Lev Synopsis If origami requires having opposable thumbs, then how do you explain origami salesmen? http://www.atomfilms.com/default.asp?film_id=586 .
The definition of a Jewish menage a trois? Two headaches and a hard-on.
-=-==-=-=-=--=-
The morning went fine as the children understood the system for going to the bathroom.
Mid-day, in the back of the classroom, little Johnny started to shout, " Teacher !, Teacher...Quick give me a number...I have to fart ! "
-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=
(Reportedly) Real Headlines
Boy Declared Dead, Revives as Family Protests
Dead Coyote Found in Bronx Launches Search for its Mate
42% of All Murdered Women are Killed by the Same Man
National Hunting Group Targeting Women (oh, really??)
Fire Officials Grilled over Kerosene Heaters
Police Can't Stop Gambling
Youth Hit by Car Riding Bicycle
Hostage-Taker Kills self; Police Shoot Each Other
Check With Doctors Before Getting Sick
-=-=-=-=--=-=-=
Today's Medical Humor is -
I had a patient who kept taking off his nasal cannula and his oxygen levels would drop down into the low 80's. I tried repeatedly to impress upon him the importance of leaving his oxygen on. Other than this one thing, he was completely lucid. It was driving me crazy.
Finally, I told him that no matter what, he had to keep his cannula on, and there would be no compromise. His body needed the extra oxygen.
The next time I came to the floor, I saw him walking around huffing and puffing and not looking so great. But to his credit, his cannula was on and the unconnected tubing was nicely tucked into his pocket. Sometimes you just can't win.
--=-==-=-=-=-=-=
Teaching college students isn't much different from teaching any other grade.
There are those who come to learn and those who don't. On the first day of freshman composition class, a young man attending class on the Veterans'
Bill came up to me after class and said, "How about if I skip the classes and just come and take the final?"
I said, "It's fine with me, but after you miss three classes, I'll have to report you to the Veterans' Administration." He came to all the classes.
-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=
Teachable Moments
I taught pre-school 4- and 5-year-olds for 21 years. I've heard tales you wouldn't believe! One thing happened in class one day that made me feel I'd heard it all!
Teachers look for those precious "teachable moments" that make the teaching experience so worthwhile! I thought I'd been presented with one when little Beau asked, "Is it 'nigger or negger?'"
In the South, we constantly fought prejudices, and I thought I was being
confronted with one. Quickly, I said that it used to be Negro (as I mentally planned the wording to inform him that the term had changed), to which Beau turned his very perplexed gaze to me.
He asked, "Arnold Schwarzenegro?"
-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=
Buying groceries
As I walked around the grocery store, I noticed a young man who seemed to be following me and watching what I bought. Finally, he came up and told me he was a college student buying his own groceries for the first time.
When we reached the cooler that holds the cartons of eggs, I picked up a
carton, lifted the top, and inspected the eggs. The young man did the same, but he whispered to me, "What are we looking for?"
=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-
His parents start lecturing him, and Johnny explains that everyone in his class did poorly, not just him.
"But what about David down the street?" they said. "He brought home all A's and B's."
"Well, David is different," he retorted.
"How so?" His father asked.
"Cuz his parents are smart!"
-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-===-
Mother: "Why are you home from school so early?"
Son: "I was the only one who could answer a question."
Mother: "Oh, really? What was the question?"
Son: "Who threw the eraser at the teacher?"
-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-
A teacher observed a boy with dirty hands entering the classroom. She stopped him and said, "John, please wash your hands. My goodness, what would you say if I came into the room with hands like that?" With a smile the boy replied, "I think I'd be too polite to mention it."
=-=-==-=-=-=-=-
As an elderly lady was boarding the plane, she said to the flight attendant, "Do these things crash very often?" The attendant replied, "No, just once!"
-=-=-=-=-=--=-=-=
Mrs. Smith was a hypochondriac. Dr. Jones was fed up with her constant complaints about non-existent illnesses, so he started palming her off with a mild sedative to keep her happy. One day she complained about chest pains and the doctor prescribed his usual treatment. This time however, the pain was real and Mrs. Smith died of a heart attack. On hearing of her death, Dr. Jones was so upset he died of shock. Mrs. Smith and Dr. Jones were buried next to each other in the cemetery. The next morning, Dr. Jones heard a tapping on his coffin, followed by a
voice saying, "Dr. Jones, this is Mrs. Smith. Do you have anything for worms?"
-=-=-=-=-=-=-=
Office Illness
The Ten Most Common Forms of Office Illness
1. The Macy's One Day Sale Flu.
2. The Drivers License Renewal Appointment 24-Hour Virus.
3. The Friday-Afternoon-Start-The-Weekend-Early Sudden Unbearable Stomach Pains.
4. The I'm Looking for a New Job and I Don't Know How Long It's Going to
Take, but I Want To Stay On The Payroll Until Then Mysterious Infection.
5. The My Boyfriend's Got the Week Off So Suddenly I'm Too Contagious To
Come In To The Office Disease.
6. The I Need a Hair Cut and My Stylist Doesn't Make Evening Appointments Bout of Influenza.
7. The There's No Federal Holidays for Two Months and I Want a Day Off Sickness.
8. The It's Spring Break and I Want To Pretend I'm a Teenager Again General Ailment.
9. The I've Screwed Up Royally and I Won't Come In To Face the Music Terminal Illness.
10. The I Really Am Sick and I've Got The Doctor's Bills and the Completed Medical Expense Reimbursement Forms to Prove It Infirmity. -- Have a magic day and pass it on. Magic Mike http://funandmagic.com/ On-line Magic or Balloon Lessons - http://funandmagic.com/lessons.html Make $10-$20/hour at home http://homework4s.com/ 4.9 cents/min. phone 24x7 no fees or contracts http://ld.net/?phon4less High speed dial-up for free! Highspeedinfo
Subject: Alaskan Aurora, 360 degree tour of Tower Pisa Date: Sat, 31 Mar 2001 10:37:31 -0800 From: Magic Mike Berger <mmb To: you <you
Hi, A large Coronal Mass Ejection headed our way last week making Aurora displays. An incredible green one was captured on film over Alaska. Tonight, March 31 will be a peak night for sky gazers. Also, let's take a 360 Degree tour of The Leaning Tower of Pisa from Pisa's Campo dei Miracoli (Field of Miracles). The newly added recipes are Sauerkraut Chocolate Cake, Artichoke and Spinach Stuffed Shells, Easy Taco Soup, Fat Free Oatmeal Cookies, Apple and Beet Salad, Marinated Carrots, Ann Landers' Meat Loaf, Coconut Crunch Delight, Cheesy Ham Beer Soup, Chocolate Chip Cookie Dough Cheesecake, COFFEE-CHIP FUDGE, APPLE BUTTER BREAD, GROUND BEEF AND SPINACH CASSEROLE. See all this at http://funandmagic.com/ . Our Atom Film series on Lev's Tales Of Mere Existaance continues with "Eskimo". Synopsis: Lev goes out on the town with a special lady friend and ends up being the life of the party and an amnesiac. http://www.atomfilms.com/default.asp?film_id=285 . REMEMBER TO SPRING FORWARD TONIGHT!
new bumper sticker
"Excuse my driving, My mother inlaw is in the backseat"
-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=
Fractured Phrases ---- Rigor Morris: The cat is dead.
Veni, vidi, vice: I came, I saw, I partied.
Cogito eggo sum: I think; therefore, I am a waffle.
Carne diem: Seize the meat.
Le roi es mort; jive le roi: The king is dead; no kidding.
-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-
On my first day respiratory clinicals, I was assigned to work with a therapist that believed speed was everything. As we rushed to begin our floor therapy, we entered the first patients room. She was so busy telling me how do give a neb treatment, that she neglected to assess the patient.......who had expired. The family had to tell her after she had already put the smoking mask on the patient. She was so embarrassed and so was I.
--=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=
Two doctors are walking down the corridor of the hospital. First doc asks, "Did you tell that lawyer in room 316 that he was going to die?" "Sure did", second one answers. First doc says, "Darn! I wanted to tell him!"
-=-=-=-==-=-=
After reading the morning headlines about the recent stock market downturn, a high-powered executive trying to impress a client in his office, flipped on his intercom switch and barked to his secretary, "Miss Hunter, get my broker!"
The client was impressed until he heard the secretary's clear voice saying, "Yes, sir, stock or pawn?"
-=-=-=-=-=--=-=-
A man known for his shady business tactics was giving advice to his son, who had just graduated from college. "There are two rules," the man said, "to keep in mind throughout your business career. The first is: When you give your word, always keep it."
"Yes, Dad," the young man said. "And what's the second rule?"
"Don't give your word."
-=-=--=-=-=-=-=
You look like a million bucks! All green and wrinkled
-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-
Why does a man have a clear conscience? Because it's never used.
-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=
A girl goes to the gynecologist for the first time. She's up in the stirrups, and the doctor notices she's trembling. He says: "You're nervous, aren't you?" "Yes, it's my first visit to a gynechologist." "Would you like me to numb you down there?" "Oh, yes please." He sticks his face between her legs and goes: "Num, num, num . . ."
--=-=-=-=-=-=-
A drunk stumbled into a doctor's office and said, "Shey, doc, you gotta help me put my dick back on." "Where is it?" "Right here in my pocket." "That's a cigar." "Oh my God, doc! I smoked my dick!"
-=-=-=-=-=-=-=
Why did the blonde resolve to have only three children? Because she read that one child out of every four born was Chinese.
What do you call a group of blondes in the freezer? Frosted Flakes.
-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-
A bus stops and two Italian men get on. They sit down and engage in an animated conversation. The lady sitting behind them ignores them at first, but her attention is galvanized when she hears one of the men say the following: "Emma come first. Den I come. Den two asses come together. I come once-a-more. Two asses, they come together again. I come again and pee twice. Then I come one lasta time."
"You foul mouthed swine," retorted the lady indignantly. "In this country we don't talk about our sex lives in public!"
"Hey, coola down lady," said the man. "Who talkin' abouta sexa? I'm just
tellin' my frienda how to spella 'Mississippi'."
-=--=-=-=-=-=-=
A secretary walked into her boss's office & said, "I'm afraid I've got some bad news for you"
"Why do you always have to give me bad news?" he complained. "Tell me some good news for once."
"Alright, here's some good news," said the secretary. "You're not sterile."
-=-=-=-=-=-=-=
How does a teenage schoolboy propose marriage? YOUR'E HAVING A WHAT???
Subject: keep losing thos link, sorry Date: Thu, 29 Mar 2001 07:51:20 -0800 From: Magic Mike Berger <mmb To: you <you
http://www.atomfilms.com/default.asp?film_id=291
Subject: Temple ruins in Sicily and a 360 Degree Tour of Süleymaniye Mosque Istanbul Date: Thu, 29 Mar 2001 02:00:31 -0800 From: Magic Mike Berger <mmb To: you <you
Hi, Temple ruins in Sicily and a 360 Degree Tour of Süleymaniye Mosque Istanbul, Turkey are the photo choices at my Photo Links page. Recipes today are Light Jerk Meat Loaf and Light Honey-Baked Apples. http://funandmagic.com/ New art and sayings at the Inspiration Page, too. There was a new smoking report issued. This is perfect timing. See aanother humorous animation by Lev, Tales of Mere Existence: Cigarettes USA | :39 Animation Collection Comedy Experimental Creator: Lev Synopsis: Lev lists his nicotine heroes in this ode to the love of smoking. At Atom Films you must register as an Insider to see whole animations or you only see a one minute preview. It's free. Be sure to use the speed option window for your connection speed. If you have trouble, try a lower speed.
A Pharmacy Sophomore was taking a course in dispensing. One day they were discussing the various labels affixed to prescription containers, such as "Take with food" and "Take with water."
At the end of class, the professor passed out a few sample labels. Days later she noticed that a classmate had struck one of them onto his chemistry textbook. It read "Caution: may cause drowsiness."
-=-=-=-=-=-=-=
David goes to see a therapist. During the session, the therapist asks, "How is your sex life?"
"I have a lot of issues with sex," David replies.
"What kind of issues?" the therapist asks.
"Oh, mostly Hustler, and Penthouse."
-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-
NASA PLANS "EXPLOSIVE" COMMEMORATION FOR CHALLENGER INCIDENT
NASA confirmed today that, for the fifteenth anniversary of the Challenger accident, it would explode a random shuttle flight in the next few months by replacing the reconditioned "O-Rings" on the booster engines with day-old Krispy Kreme donuts.
NASA Flight Director Bob Clarke explained. "Folks are taking the shuttle flights as routine again. We thought this would be an interesting way to remember the Challenger crew and get the public's attention, all in one fell swoop."
Writers for the Tonight Show and Late Night with David Lettermen were ecstatic with NASA's decision. "Man, think of all of the great jokes we can use again! Like, what were Christa McAulliffe's last words to her husband? 'You feed the dogs, I'll feed the fishes!' And, what's a Challenger cocktail? Seven-Up with a splash of Teachers!"
Krispy Kreme representative Michelle King said, "We're pleased to be playing a part in this historic anniversary. Oh, and did you hear what was the last words on the Challenger's flight recorder? 'Ok, ok, LET *HER* drive then . . . '"
-=-=-=-=-=-=
RUSSIA KICKS OUT 50 DIPLOMATS, SENDS THEM HOME IN STYLE
Russia expelled 50 diplomats today in retaliation for a similar move by the United States in deporting Russian diplomats from Washington.
President Bush is reportedly "deeply concerned" that the diplomats were sent home on the space station Mir. "We think Russia could have at least sprung for first class tickets on a regularly scheduled flight," Bush said. "Now they're going to have to come home via the South Pacific route. It'll take them longer to get back home."
--=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=
A man walks into a restaurant with his wife. The waiter approaches the table and asks for their order. "I'll have your biggest, juiciest London Broil," he says. "But sir, what about the mad cow?!" asks the waiter. "Oh," answers the man, "she'll order for herself."
-=-=-=-=-=-=
"If a man watches three football games in a row, he should be declared legally dead." -Erma Bombeck
-=--=-=-=-=-=
"Ever notice how irons have a setting for *permanent* press? I don't get it..."
-- Steven Wright -- Have a magic day and pass it on. Magic Mike http://funandmagic.com/
Make $ at home http://homework4s.com/ 4.9 cents/min. phone no fees http://ld.net/?phon4less High speed dial-up for free! Highspeedinfo
Subject: FW: Spanish Moss, 360 degree Colosseum ruins, Planet proctor, Lev buys name brands. Date: Wed, 26 Mar 2001 00:27:49 -0500
Hi, At Magic Mike's Photo Links page is a wonderful photo of Spanish Moss, in a forest in southern Texas. Also, in honor of The Academy Award winner "Gladiator". let's take a 360 degree tour of the Colossal ruin You are standing inside the Coliseum, the enormous arena that served as ancient Rome's entertainment ground zero. Emperors and peasants alike crowded the tiered arcades to watch and cheer the bloody gladiatorial battles that took place here, beginning with its 100 day inauguration in AD 80. Today its mighty walls lie crumbled and quiet, while traffic circles noisily outside. My Recipe page adds Baked Rigatoni and Ham in Wine Sauce, Orange Fingers, Sweet Potato Gratin, and Delicious Rice Casserole. http://funandmagic.com Are you "Branded"? Look around at your stuff. Lev is the consumer looking for fulfillment in Tales of Mere Existence: "Branding" Madison Avenue rules Lev's every waking moment in this tribute to everything that's intoxicating about consumerism. http://www.atomfilms.com/default.asp?film _id=609 A new Planet Proctor from Hollywood Orbits the bottom of today's magic mailout. Please feel free to forward my mailout to your friends.
In order for the Italians not to be left out in naming their ships, they finally accomplished the following.
USA is USS which means "United States Ship".
British is HMS which means "Her Majesty's Ship".
and now
Italy is AMB which means "Atsa My Boat!"
-=-=-=-=-=-=
The drill sergeant making his morning announcements to a group of newcomers in a training camp, stated: "Today, gentlemen, I have some good news and some bad news. First, the good. Private Brabant will be setting the pace on our morning run.'
With this the platoon was overjoyed, as Private Brabant was overweight and terribly slow.
But then the drill sergeant finished his statement: "Now for the bad news. Private Brabant will be driving a truck."
-=-=--=-=-=--=-=
Everybody keeps saying that women are smarter than men, but did you ever see a man wearing a shirt that buttons down the back?
-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=
You Are On A Bad Date When
** You order a Double Whopper and he says, "Hey, my name ain't Rockefeller, honey."
** He's been on Geraldo once and Jerry Springer twice.
** He seems to know an awful lot about your shower routine.
** Your dinner reservations are under "Loser, party of 2"
** Calls to tell you he'll pick you up, just as soon as the stand off with the police is over.
-=-=-=-=-=--=-=
With vegetarianism on the rise and beef scares in Europe, soy-based meat substitutes are a booming industry. What are some of the most popular items among meat-shunning Americans?
* Approximeat
* Soystrami
* Mockwurst
* Roast, Almost
* Misteak
* I Can't Believe It's Not A Dead Animal!
* Prosciuttofu
* Fake-un Double Cheesebulghur
* Tofuck You, Meat Lover
* Soysters Rockefeller
* Nofu: The Tofu Substitute
* Kielbeancurdasa
* Nauseages
-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-
A fellow is talking to his Irish buddy ad says, "I gotta stop drinking that Irish whiskey"
"How come?" asked his friend.
"Because every Saturday night I go out and drink a fifth of the stuff, come home, make mad passionate love to the wife, wake up Sunday morning,
and go to church."
"What's wrong with that?" the Irishman asks. "A lot of good Irishman go out on Saturday night, drink a fifth of good Irish whiskey, come home, do the wife, and go to mass on Sunday."
"I know," said his friend, "but I'm Jewish."
-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=
The problem with being bisexual is that you get twice as many chances to be rejected, and BOTH sides think you're a pervert!
-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=
New job calendar
SUN FRI THU FRI WED FRI NEG 8 7 6 5 4 3 2 16 15 14 12 11 10 9 23 22 21 20 19 18 17 32 30 28 27 26 25 24 39 38 37 36 35 34 33
This is a special calendar for handling rush jobs. All rush jobs are wanted yesterday. With this calendar, a job can be ordered on the 7th and delivered on the 3rd.
Most jobs are required by Friday, so there are three Fridays in every week.
There are eight new days added to each month to allow for end-of-the-month panic jobs.
There is no 1st of the month -- thus avoiding late delivery of the previous month's last-minute panic jobs.
Weekends have been shortened to the proper 1 day of rest.
Monday morning agony is abolished all together.
A new day, Negotiation Day (NEG), has been introduced keeping the other days free for uninterrupted panic.
-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-
Subject: PP 2001.07 Date: Sun, 25 Mar 2001 02:20:57 -0500 From: phil proctor
(((((((((((((((((((( PLANET PROCTOR 2001.07 - http://www.planetproctor.com
"You can tell it's spring in L.A. when all the cute little sports convertibles come out." - Melinda Peterson
NORWEGIAN WOOD London Correspondent Larry Belling sent me this sweet story of unrequited love, from Reuters. It seems that a sex-starved Norwegian moose fell head over hooves for a seductive Ford "KA" but caca-ed on it when it failed to respond to his hot, horny love. The car's owner, Leif Borgersen said he found his poor little KA abandoned, bathed all over with lick marks, slobber and poop. "The front yard was simply transformed into an outdoor lavatory," he told the Telemark Daily News. "I'm a bit uncertain whether from now on I should risk letting the car stand alone and defenseless in the front yard..."
"Physics is like sex. Sure it has some practical results, but that's not why we do it." - Late legendary physicist, Richard Feynman
A FEVERISH SPRING "Wow! Pow! Zap!! Watch out! DUCK!!!" It's the first day of Spring," wrote Magic Mike, whose Dad taught him from his "yute" -- "Tis Spring, da boyd is on da wing.; but that is absoyd. The wing is on the boyd," remembered, no doubt, from some obscure "Dead End Kids "movie in the 30's. Rodney Lee observed that this week also marked the final plunge to earth of the Russian Mir space station, which our own Mission Control had been watching carefully, even changing its name to --"the Nasdaq Space Station." But you know, "Mir" means both "Peace" and "The World" in Russian; so what crashed? Pieces of the world? Or the world's hopes for peace? Well, in fact putting the pieces of the world's new space station together is helping us all to keep the peace. Meanwhile, back on terra infirma, the irrepressible Patty Paul informs us that in Britain, ladies will be able to make their chests two-cup sizes bigger thanks to "Gossard's Ultra-bra Airotic", which lets
gals increase their cleavage thanks to strategically placed airbags and a built-in rubber pump. Modeled by celebrity babe, "Scary Spice", it has already had 100,000 orders. "In other words," notes Patty, "Sales are not likely to sag anytime soon."
"Magic, like sex, is best experienced in person." - Penn Gillette
IN "PAY RAISE" OF ACTORS "Actors are some of the most driven, courageous people on the face of the earth. They deal with more day-to-day rejection in one year than most people do in a lifetime. Every day, actors face the financial challenge of living a freelance lifestyle, the disrespect of people who think they should get 'real' jobs, and their own fear that they'll never
work again. Every day they have to ignore the possibility that the vision to which they have dedicated their lives is a pipe dream. With every passing year, many of them watch as the other people their age achieve the predictable milestones of normal life--the cars, the family, the house, the nest egg. "But they stay true to their dream, in spite of sacrifices. Why?
Because actors are willing to give their entire lives to a moment -- to that line, that laugh, that gesture, or that interpretation that will stir the audience's soul. Actors are beings who have tasted life's nectar in that crystal moment when they poured out their creative spirit and touched another's heart. In that instant, they were as close to magic, God, and perfection as anyone could ever be. And in their own, they know that to dedicate oneself to that moment is worth a thousand lifetimes." So observes David Ackert.
"We have in our conscious and unconscious minds a great vocabulary of images, and I think all human communication is based on these images, as are our dreams." - Tennessee Williams, 1953
COW S**T I KNOW? In the face of a terrible and apparently pandemic epidemic, this important report is re-published here from Planet Farm Expert, Arlene Winnick: "While there has not yet been any official confirmation from health officials, 'and there probably won't be for the foreseeable future,' there are indications emerging from within the medical research community that
Mad Cow Disease is not a single malady, but one of a variety of similar conditions of varying degrees of severity. "The most serious of these, even more dangerous than Mad Cow Disease itself, is Enraged Cow Disease while, at the other end of the severity spectrum, the least threatening condition is Mildly Provoked Cow Disease. Other variants, listed here in order of increasing severity, include: Perplexed Cow Disease, Annoyed Cow Disease, Indignant Cow Disease, Outraged Cow Disease and Angry Cow Disease. "Seeking to supplement insufficient government funding, the private Placate-a -Cow Foundation has begun raising money to support research through the sale of a special recording by Barry Manilow and the remaining Osmonds (or at least those who are still speaking to each other) of 'Make Some Cow Happy' (make just one cow happy, make one cow the cow you cling to, etc.) Future fund-raising efforts include a remake of Ella Mae Morse's 'Cow Cow Boogie' and a cable TV sitcom production of Tennessee Williams' 'The Milk Train Doesn't Stop Here Anymore', which will probably run until the cows come home. In related developments, a Congressional committee will begin holding hearings next week on Foot and Mouth Disease during which at least some of the members will presumably put one into the other."
"Overheard on the Range: Cow #1: What do you think of this Mad Cow Disease talk? Cow #2: What do I care. I'm a helicopter." - Both of the above lifted brazenly from Richard Schulenberg's "And Rather Muse That Ask Why"
SERIOUS DOWN-SIZING According to the Birmingham Sunday Mercury, a NY publishing firm is trying to figureout why no one noticed that one of their employees had been sitting dead at his desk for FIVE DAYS before anyone asked if he was feeling okay. George Turklebaum, 51, a proof-reader for 30 years, had a heart attack in the open-plan office he shared with 23 other workers. He quietly passed away on Monday, but nobody noticed until Saturday morning when an
office cleaner asked why he was still working during the weekend. "George was always the first guy in each morning and the last to
leave at night," commented his boss Elliot Wachiaski, "So no one found it unusual that he was in the same position all that time and didn't say anything." Ironically, George was proof-reading manuscripts of medical textbooks when he died. The moral of the story? Don't work too hard. Nobody notices anyway.
"Double Agent? Your agent who doesn't find you work, but gets deals for those you despise." - Gary Brown
YOU CALL THIS ART? From John "The Antic Antaean" Achorn: A student goes to a Japanese painter to learn about art. On the first day, the Master brought the student a small painting and said, "Contemplate this." Then he left the room. This went on every day for 7 years. One day in the 7th year the Master comes in and gives the student a painting and says "Contemplate this," and leaves the room. Angered, the student storms out and runs into one of his friends
who asks, "Why are you so mad?" "I've come to learn to be a great artist from the Master," the student replies, "and every day for 7 years all he does is give me a new
painting and ask me to contemplate it. For 7 years! I feel like I'm learning nothing! And today, to add insult to injury, he brought me a rather inferior painting, judging from the weak brush strokes, overuse of ink, and non-integrated forms."
"Painter Was Also an Impressionist" - AP headline from Richard Schulenberg
WWWHAT'S IN A NAME Over the past five years, Planeteer Jay Bernzsweig registered several domain names, which now, due to Boom.Dot.Bust, he is offering for sale. "No reasonable offer," he asserts, "will be refused," (No wonder...)
www.liposuctionwarehouse.com, www.hasidicpartygirls.com, www.celebrityvomit.com, www.gaysforbuchanan.com, www.pethairnovelties.com, www.syringe-art.com, www.cheesesculptures.com, www.republicanwelfaremoms.com, www.iraqtourism.com, www.britishbeefcouncil.com, www.houseofstomachpumps.com, www.airpakistan.com, www.headlicesocialclub.com, www.floridaelectionboard.gov
"We agnostics can use a good laugh . . . send in the clones!" - Ed Kysar
IN A RUT Rich DeMaio recently attended a Director's Guild presentation honoring "The Rutles" and says Neil Innes was asked how he made The Rutles' songs sound so much like those of The Beatles. "All I had to do," he answered, "was write Beatles music and leave out the originality and inspiration!" He also revealed that when a reporter asked Mick Jagger how he got the deep lines in his face, Mick replied, "Laughter." "Nothing," the reporter retorted, "is THAT funny...!" And Eric Idle, in trying to answer a Monty Python question, finished with, "That doesn't really ANSWER the question, but it avoids it..."
"If we knew we were going to be The Beatles, we would have tried harder!" - George Harrison
A GREEN SPRING Michael Bell forwarded me a piece from his friend's Aunt Fran in
Brooklyn, who supplies him with his "Jewish crack...s". Since the National Education Association is celebrating "Read Across America" by encouraging adults to read to children, "Green Eggs and Ham" is naturally one of the most popular books -- and there's the dilemma. How can Jewish kids celebrate green Eggs and "HAM"? So, in honor of (and
with apologies to) the estate of Dr. Seuss, here's a new ending: "Will you never see?/They are not KOSHER,/So let me be! I will not eat green eggs and ham./I will not eat them, Sam-I-am. But I'll eat green eggs with a biscuit. Or I will try them with some brisket. I'll eat green eggs in a box./If you serve them with some lox. And those green eggs are worth a try/ Scrambled up in matzoh brie! And in a boat upon the river,/I'll eat green eggs with chopped liver! So if you're a Jewish Dr. Seuss fan,/But troubled by green eggs and ham, Let your friends in on the scoop: Green eggs taste best with chicken soup!"
A Jewish Telegram: "Begin worrying. Details to follow." - Ivan's Jokes
CRASH! BANG! BOOM!!!! On March 22, William Hanna, of the revered Hanna-Barbera cartoon
company, lost his animation at the age of 90, while March 24 marks the 90th birthday of his surviving partner, Joe Barbera. Renowned for creating such classic entertainment as Scooby Doo, the Jetsons, the Flintstones and cross-over artists Tom and Jerry, who danced with Gene Kelly in REAL movies, I had the pleasure of working with him as "King Gerard" in the "Smurfs" series, as welll as in a Christmas special
with my wife, Melinda. Also, Richard Stone, a composer who won seven Emmys for his work on Animaniacs, Pinky and the Brain and Tazmania, which I also worked on, joined the heavenly orchestra on March 9 at 47, after a long battle with
cancer. Stone was widely acknowledged as the modern-day successor to Carl Stalling, whose zany musical scores accompanied many of the classic Warner Bros. cartoons. Stone also scored over a hundred of the Steven Spielberg-produced "Tiny Toon Adventures", reviving the Stalling tradition of fully orchestrated scores, synchronized music to character movement and a sly musical sense of humor. Donations may be made to the Pancreatic Cancer Action Network, P.O. Box 1010, Torrance, Calif. 90505.
"Exiting a movie that had particularly good audio, an audience member
was overheard saying, "Wasn't it well lit!"... Great audio can brighten a film like no other production element." - Lee Davis of Sound Mind Theater
AND MORE OF HEAVEN'S GAINS We've lost some real luminaries recently, like Ann Sothern at 92, who said in 1987 "I think Hollywood has been terrible to me. Hollywood doesn't respond to a strong woman, not at all. How dare a woman be competitive or produce her own shows?" That same year, she earned her first Oscar nomination for "The Whales of August". And farewell to the Mamas and the Poppas' John Phillips at 65. Best remembered, I think, in an L.A. Times letter from Michelle Hart who wrote of Phillips' philanthropy in driving them home after their car became unavailable after a visit to their dying grandmother. John responded when complimented on his vehicle, "It's a Lamborghini, especially built for me, especially built for my karma, for situations such as these, when I can help someone who needs it." And finally, close the book on Robert Ludlum, master of the spy thriller, who dotted his last "i" at 73. I worked with him as an actor with Vaughn Meader and the late, great Ronnie Graham in the mid sixties when he ran the New Jersey Paramus Playhouse. A mutual friend, director Don Wilde, had encouraged him to try his hand at playwriting, but said of his first effort, "The plot is too complicated, but it would make a great book." The rest is publishing history...and now, silence.
"I enjoy receiving Planet Proctor very much. It helps make up for the loss of Pluto." - Former classmate, John Field
+++++++++++(MARCH 25, 2001)++++++++++ * FIRESIGN SITE: www.firesigntheatre.com * FIREZINE SITE: www.firezine.net * FIRESIGN PRODUCT: www.lodestone-media.com * FUNNY TIMES: www.funnytimes.com * PP: http://cedtalent.com/mainpage/voice/index .php -- Have a magic day and pass it on. Magic Mike http://funandmagic.com/
Make $10-$20/hour at home http://homework4s.com/ 4.9 cents/min. phone 24x7 no fees or contracts http://ld.net/?phon4less High speed dial-up for free! Highspeedinfo
Subject: FW: Cape Hatteras Lighthouse, Stonehenge 360 tour, Date: Thursday, March 22, 2001 7:42 PM To: you Subject: Cape Hatteras Lighthouse, Stonehenge 360 tour,
A sheet of sandpaper makes a cheap and effective substitute for costly maps when visiting the Sahara desert.
Hi, Photo Link for today is Cape Hatteras Lighthouse and a 360 degree tour of Stonehenge seems fitting for this beginning of Spring. New on the Recipe page are Light Blueberry Crumble and Light Chili-Style Lamb Chops. Why don't blondes double recipes? The oven doesn't go to 700 degrees! http://funandmagic.com . We continue Tales Of Mere Existence with "Beard" USA | :30 Animation Collection Comedy Experimental Extreme Creator: Lev Synopsis: Lev unleashes another unmitigated stream of neurotica by musing on the possibilities of alternative life choices. http://www.atomfilms.com/default.asp?film _id=287 . I'd like to again remind you about this money tip: http://www.cognigen.net/bizop/flash/bizop .swf and remember: Engineers and scientists will never make as much money as sales person.
Now a rigorous mathematical proof that explains why this is true:
Postulate 1: Knowledge is Power. Postulate 2: Time is Money.
As every engineer knows...
Work/Time = Power
Since Knowledge = Power, and Time = Money, we have:
Work/Money = Knowledge
Solving for Money, we get:
Work/Knowledge = Money
Thus, as Knowledge approaches zero, Money approaches infinity regardless of the Work done.
Conclusion: The Less you Know, the more you Make --
SALES baby, that's where it's at!
-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=
A wife complains, "Our wall clock almost killed my mother today. It fell only seconds after she got up from the couch."
The husband mumbles, "Damn clock always was slow."
-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=
After watching a rather hot love scene on cable, the husband looked over at his wife and said, "How come you never make love to me like that?"
"Are you kidding me?? Do you have any idea how much they pay those people to do that??"
-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-
Two blondes decide to go duck hunting. Neither one of them has ever been duck hunting before and after several hours they still haven't bagged any.
One hunter looks at the other and says "I just don't understand it. Why aren't we getting any ducks?"
Her friend says "I keep telling you, I just don't think we're throwing the dog high enough."
--=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=
Today 4 out of 5 doctors recommend another doctor.
I stopped taking tranquilizers. I was starting to be nice to people I didn't even want to talk to.
New pill to increase virility. It backfired and I got hemorrhoids.
It always amazes me the progress scientists are making in cancer research. Every day they discover something else that causes it.
We used to take life with a grain of salt. Now it is with 5 milligrams of Valium.
-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=
-=
Handy Little Helpful Hints
Before attempting to remove stubborn stains from a garment always circle the stain in permanent pen so that when you remove the garment from the washing machine you can easily locate the area of the stain and check that it has gone.
High blood pressure sufferers: Simply cut yourself and bleed for a while, thus reducing the pressure in your veins.
Olympic athletes. Conceal the fact that you have taken performance enhancing drugs by simply running a little slower and letting someone else win.
Heavy smokers: Don't throw away those filters from the end of your cigarettes. Save them up and within a few years you'll have enough to insulate your attic.
A sheet of sandpaper makes a cheap and effective substitute for costly maps when visiting the Sahara desert.
Nissan Micra drivers: Attach a lighted sparkler to the roof of your car before starting a long journey. You drive the things like dodgem cars anyway, so it may as well look like one.
Tape a chocolate bar to the outside of your microwave. If the chocolate melts you will know that the microwaves are escaping and it is time to have the oven serviced.
A mouse trap, placed on top on of your alarm clock will prevent you from rolling over and going back to sleep.
--=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=
Facts
At 12,000 feet above sea level, there is barely enough oxygen in La Paz,
Bolivia to support combustion. The city is nearly fireproof.
A brown dwarf is a very small, dark object, with a mass less than 1/10 that of the Sun. They are 'failed stars'--globules of gas that have shrunk under gravity, but failed to ignite and shine as stars.
A cosmic year is the amount of time it takes the sun to revolve around the center of the Milky Way, about 225 million years.
In 1901, Wilhelm Conrad Roentgen won the first Nobel Prize for Physics. He noticed that certain rays caused paper coated with barium platinocyanide to glow, even when the paper was in the next room. Baffled by the mystery, he called them X rays.
Henry Ford did not invent the automobile. It was the invention of several 19th century engineers, paramount among them being two Germans, Gottlieb
Daimler and Karl Benz. What Ford did was too mass-produce automobiles and provide cheap service for them.
In 1875 the director of the United States Patent Office sent his resignation and advised that his department be closed. There was nothing
left to invent, he claimed.
An octopus moves forward by walking and always swims backwards. If an Octopus is hungry enough, it will eat its own arms.
The whale has the slowest metabolism of all animals. Despite its great size, it lives on one of the smallest of all creatures: the microscopic plankton, found throughout the sea.
-- Have a magic day and pass it on. Magic Mike http://funandmagic.com/
Make $10-$20/hour at home http://homework4s.com/ 4.9 cents/min. phone 24x7 no fees or contracts http://ld.net/?phon4less High speed dial-up for free! Highspeedinfo
Subject: FW: Spring sprung, Discovery dawn, Chaos as art, mere existence without TV? Date: March 21, 2001 9:02 AM To: you
Hi, Wow! POW! Zap!! Watch out! DUCK!!! It's the first day of Spring. My Dad taught me this from his "yute": "Tis Spring, da boyd is on da wing. But that is absoyd. The wing is on the boyd."" Probably some Dead End Kids movie thing from the 30's. I can't wait to see "Hidden Dragon/Crouching Tiger" again. Did I tell you first or what? TEN Oscar nominations! Meanwhile Lev toils away, filming his Tales Of Mere Existence. Today's real life episoyd is Tales of Mere Existence: TV USA | :43Animation Collection Comedy Experimental Without television, how would we ever find out about loony Brits building catapults? http://www.atomfilms.com/default.asp?film _id=583 . Remember, you need to sign up free as an Insider at Atom Films to see full versions. Stop by my site at http://funandmagic.com/ to see it all, along with some new stuff on my Recipe page: Tamale Loaf, Asian Sesame Rice, Citrus With Special Sauce, and say this aloud, slowly, and let your tongue taste every word - Banana Peanut Butter Pie. Today's Photo Link at my site shows a stunning dawn takeoff of Discovery Shuttle, just as the sun rises at dawn. I went for the big version, reduced the pixels in half with Smart Saver, and resized it to 800x600, and stuck it on my desktop. The earthquake here produced some interesting pendulum sand images. I dub the earthquake art's name as "Watch Out For Chaos". When you look at the cosmic pattern, you'll see why I think that. http://www.gaelwolf.com/pendulum.html .
Techmares:
Technician: "How much free space do you have on your hard drive?" Customer: "Well, my wife likes to get up there on that Internet, and she
downloaded ten hours of free space. Is that enough?"
Customer: "I'd like a mouse mat, please." Salesperson: "Certainly sir, we've got a large variety." Customer: "But will they be compatible with my computer?"
Online Customer to Tech Support: "All right, if I send you a diskette, can you copy the Internet onto it for me?"
Several ISP report that frequently they receive phone calls that begin something like this: Customer: "Hi. Is this the Internet?"
--=-=-=-=-=-=-
A mother and her young son returned from the grocery store and began putting away the groceries. The boy opened the box of animal crackers and spread them all over the table. "What are you doing?" his mother asked. "The box says you can't eat them if the seal is broken," the boy explained. "I'm looking for the seal."
--=-=-=-=-=-=-
Flu
Ten things good about having the flu:
10. No one wants to come near you.
9. You can legally take sedatives.
8. You realize guests on daytime talk shows have worse lives than you do.
7. You get away with being rude, obnoxious and surly.
6. You can smell like a baboon's butt and nobody complains.
5. You can shlep about the house unwashed and in your housecoat all day.
4. No matter how bad you feel, it's still better than how you felt after
last month's tequila 'n' gin party.
3. Star Trek re-runs.
2. Your dog is allowed on the bed.
1. You get to pass the virus on to those you really dislike.
--=-=-=-=-=-=-
An archaeologist's career ended up in ruins. --=-=-=-=-=-=-
Two guys are talking about their boss's upcoming wedding. One says, "It's ridiculous, he's rich, but he's 93 years old, and she's just 26! What kind of a wedding is that?"
The other says, "Well, we have a name for it in my family."
"What do you call it?"
"We call it a football wedding."
The first asks, "What's a football wedding?"
The other says, "She's waiting for him to kick off!"
--=-=-=-=-=-=-
Bubba and his friend Bubba find three hand grenades and decide to take them to the police station.
"What if one of them explodes before we get there?" asks Clem.
"Don't worry about it," says Bubba.
"We'll just lie and tell them we only found two."
--=-=-=-=-=-=-
There was once an accounting firm where the senior CPA knew every thing there was to know about accounting. He could answer any question. He knew all the tax laws: There wasn't a better accountant anywhere.
Every morning when he came to work, he would unlock his desk drawer, open it up and look inside for a minute, and then close and lock it again.
This puzzled all of his co-workers, because it was the only eccentricity
that this person exhibited. They tried many times to look over his shoulder, or get into his desk when he wasn't there, without success.
One day when the elderly man was sitting at his desk, going over an account, he suffered a heart attack and died. This upset everyone tremendously. However, now that he was gone, the other members of the firm could finally see what was in the drawer.
After obtaining the keys, they unlocked the desk drawer and cautiously peeked inside. They found one sheet of paper, and written in large letters was:
"DEBITS ON THE LEFT...CREDITS ON THE RIGHT"
--=-=-=-=-=-=-
My therapist told me the way to achieve true inner peace is to finish what I start. So far today, I have finished 2 bags of chips and a Chocolate cake. I feel better already.
When my wife quit work to take care of our new baby daughter, countless hours of peek-a-boo and other games slowly took their toll.
One evening my wife smacked her bare toes on the corner of a dresser and, grabbing her foot, sank to the floor.
I rushed to her side and asked what she hurt.
She looked at me through tear-filled eyes and managed to moan,
"It's the piggy that ate roast beef."
--=-=-=-=-=-=-
"Your honor," a defense attorney began, "I have a series of witnesses that can testify that Mr. Johnson was nowhere near the scene of the crime when it occurred."
The judge looked at the defense table and said,
"This is the third time you've been in this court room this week, and I'm getting sick of hearing your lies."
The defendant stood up with a confused expression and said, "Your honor, you must be mistaken. I've never been here in my life."
Waving his finger, the judge replied,
"I was referring to your lawyer."
--=-=-=-=-=-=-
Did you know that Bill Clinton plans to join Sesame Street now his presidency is over? He is going to be called The Nookie Monster!
--=-=-=-=-=-=-
A man walked into a dress shop and told the clerk he wanted to buy an evening gown for his wife as a surprise. "What size?" asked the clerk. The man shrugged blankly. Trying to help, the clerk inquired, "Well then, what are your wife's measurements?" The man thought for a moment. "Small, medium, and large. in that order."
--=-=-=-=-=-=-
There are LOTS of ways to ruin a date. Here are a few things NOT to say on a date...
* Nice outfit. Is that a wonder-bra?
* I really don't like this restaurant that much, but I wanted to use this 2-for-1 coupon before it expired.
* No wine for me tonight. My urologist says it's not good to mix alcohol and penicillin.
* I refuse to get cable. That's how they keep tabs on you.
* I never said you NEED a nose job. I just said it wouldn't hurt to consider it.
* Could you excuse me? My cat gets lonely if he doesn't hear my voice on the answering machine every hour.
* It's been tough, but I've come to accept that most people I date just won't be as smart as I am.
-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=
Science from Young People
I'm not sure how clouds are formed, but clouds know how to do it, and that's the important thing.....
Water vapor gets together in a cloud. When it is big enough to be called a drop...it does.
Rain is saved up in cloud banks.
Mushrooms always grow in damp places, which is why they look like umbrellas.
The word 'trousers' is an uncommon noun because it is singular at the top and plural at the bottom.
To keep milk from turning sour, keep it in the cow.
Some people can tell what time it is by looking at the sun, but I have never been able to make out the numbers....
When planets run around and around in circles, we say they are orbiting.
When people do it, we say they are crazy.
Blood circulates through the body by flowing down one leg and up the other.
Thunder is a rich source of loudness.
The four seasons are salt, pepper, mustard and vinegar.
One of the main causes of dust is janitors.
The spinal column is a long bunch of bones. The head sits on the top, and you sit on the bottom. -- Have a magic day and pass it on. Magic Mike http://funandmagic.com/
Make $10-$20/hour at home http://homework4s.com/ 4.9 cents/min. phone 24x7 no fees or contracts http://ld.net/?phon4less High speed dial-up for free! Highspeedinfo
Sent: Monday, March 19, 2001 5:39 AM To: youSubject: cardinal on a branch, 360 degree movie of The Grand Palace, another funny, funny Tales of Mere Existence
Hi, Here is a pretty little cardinal on a snow branch, and a 360 degree movie of The Grand Palace in Bangkok, Thailand. They are both on my Photo Links page today. On the Recipe page: Chili with Noodles, Zesty Chicken, Dinosaur Ribs, Pierogi Casserole, Picadillo, Rueben Casserole, Corned Beef, Chicken and Rice, Cherry Crunch, Outrageous Rice Krispy Squares, Never Fail Microwave Fudge, Homemade Candy Bars. It's all at http://funandmagic.com/ . Another funny, funny one minute short from Lev's Tales of Mere Existence: What If... USA | 1:28 Animation Collection Comedy Creator: Lev Synopsis Lev unleashes another unmitigated stream of neurotica by musing on the possibilities of alternative life choices. http://www.atomfilms.com/default.asp?film _id=1367 And last, but not last, no, it's last... another Planet Proctor phrom Phil with news from Hollywood.
Did you hear about the new Jewish game show? The Price Is Too Much.
--=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-
"Give me all the money or you are Geography" said the robber to the cashier.
"Don't you mean history?" queried the cashier.
"Don't change the subject," said the robber.
--=-=-=-=-=--=-=-
A passenger jet was suffering through a severe thunderstorm.
As the passengers were being bounced around by the turbulence, a young woman turned to a minister s itting next to her and, with a nervous laugh asked, "Reverend, you're a man of God, can't you do something about this storm?"
To which he replied, "Lady, I'm in sales, not management."
-=--=-=-=-=-=-=-=-
Q. What do the men in a singles bar have in common?
A. They're all married.
-=-=-=---=--=--=-
A Sunday school class was studying the Ten Commandments.
They were ready to discuss the last one. The teacher asked if anyone could tell her what it was.
Susie raised her hand, stood tall, and quoted, "Thou shall not take the covers off the neighbor's wife."
-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=
Ways You Can Tell When Your Cow Has Mad Cow Disease.....
~ Your cow insists that all Hindus are sacred. ~ Your cow thought Frank Bruno would beat Mike Tyson. ~ Your cow takes up painting and cuts off one of its ears. ~ She refuses to let you milk her, saying: "Not on a first date." ~ You catch your cow hiding secret plans to burn down half of Chicago. ~ Your cow demands to be branded with the 'Golden Archs Logo'. ~ Your cow appears on Oprah and Jerry Springer, claiming to be a horse trapped in a cow's body. ~ Your cow is wearing a little A-1 sauce behind each ear as cologne. ~ Your cow quits the family dairy and applies for a job at Burger King.
-=-=-=-=-=-=--=-=-=
Subject: PP 2001.06 Date: Fri, 16 Mar 2001 21:11:59 -0500 From: phil proctor <PProctor@compuserve.com To: 3 <pproctor@compuserve.com
(((((((((((((((((((( PLANET PROCTOR 2001.06 - http://www.planetproctor.com
"Beannachtal na Fe'ile Pa'draig! Or -- "Happy St. Patrick's Day!!!"
OBLIGATORY IRISH JOKE (A good story is always worth retelling, so here goes) Two men were sitting next to each other at a bar and after a while, one guy looks at the other and says, "I can't help but think from listening to you that you're from Ireland." The other guy responds proudly, "Yes, that I am!" The first guy says, "So am I! And where from Ireland might you be?" The other guy answers, "I'm from Dublin, I am." The first guy responds, "Sure and begorrah, and so am I!" "And what street did you live on in Dublin?" The other says, "A lovely little area it was; I lived on McCleary Street in the old central
part of town." "Faith, and it's a small world! So did I!" To which the first guy says, "And to what school would you have been going?" and the other guy answers, "Well now, I went to St. Mary's of course." The first guy gets really excited now, and says, "And so did I. Tell me, what year did you graduate?" The other guy answers, "Well, now, I graduated in 1964." "The Good Lord must be smiling down upon us!" the first guy exclaims, "Can you believe it, I graduated from St. Mary's in 1964 me own self!" The bartender, shaking his head, mutters to himself, "It's going to be a long night; the Murphy twins are drunk again."
"St Patrick was a gentleman who through strategy and stealth drove all the snakes from Ireland. Here's a toast his health! But not too many toasts, lest you see all those snakes again." - Appletree Press
PARDON U.S.!!! In new documents just revealed by the Justice Department President Clinton, besides the still controversial pardon of fugitive Marc Rich, also pardoned Adolph Hitler and Satan and then signed an order to pardon himself. "President Clinton reasoned it's time to put this whole 'World War' thing behind us.' stated his press representative. "While Hitler did indeed have a few bad years, he's been a model of civility for the last 56. We think he deserves a second chance." "There were forces constantly at work against him," said Clinton, seeming to identify with Hitler. "I'm not condoning what he did, mind you, but I feel his pain. I know exactly what it's like to have the media of the world against you." Republican Dan Burton believes there was a deal between the Prince of Darkness and Clinton to help build Clinton's Presidential Library in exchange for Clinton's soul, but Democratic Senator Tom Daschle was quick to dismiss the charges saying "President Clinton sold his soul to Satan
years ago." Finally, Clinton signed a pardon forgiving himself "for anything anyone wants to pin on me, for all eternity." Can we move on, now, please?
"Alma" means "Soul" in Spanish and "Apple" in Hungarian. - Phil's Funny
Facts
TO A FRIEND, IF ... You're blue - I'll try to dislodge whatever's choking you. You're scared - I will tease you about it every chance I get. You're worried - I will tell you it could be worse and to quit whining. You're confused - I will use little words and explain things to you. You smile - I'll know you finally got lucky. You're sad - I'll get you drunk & help you get those who depressed you. You fall - I will laugh at your clumsy butt. You're sick - Stay away from me until you're well again. This is my oath, I pledge and won't budge because -- You're my friend! (Send to ten of your closest friends. Oh, sorry. You you only have two and one of them deletes your messages without reading them.)
"Art is long, life is short and you'll never walk alone." - Hamilton Camp
WHAT'S THAT AGAIN? "Eek, eek! Do not write above this line! Eek, eek! List all your
dependents! Eek, eek! Please sign in the space provided! Eek, eek! Be sure to mail before April fifteenth! That's just "four tax porpoises". - Joe Alasky
"Sex is not an answer. Sex is a question. Yes is the answer" - Phil's Funny Facts
BLOW ME! Following the lead of the militant Afghan Talibans, who recently
blew up infidellic statues, and has banned flying kites, watching television and wearing white socks, Iran's Ayatollah Mohammed Yadzi decreed that walking one's dog is illegal, since taking dogs onto the streets is "a blind imitation of Westerners as well as a public insult." Not to be outdone, Texan prisons have banned convicts on death row from having a last cigarette on the grounds that it is" bad for their health"; and one of the criteria by which Miss Nude USA 1979 was chosen was "taste in clothing."
"Is not life a hundred times too short to bore ourselves?" - Nietzsche
EAT ME! For breakfast Hannibal has eggs and Kevin Bacon, and what does he call a hot tub? A crock pot, of course. Anyone with a big smile is a "Happy Meal" and never, never say to Hannibal: "Bite Me!" Hannibal thinks the best thing about Domino's pizza is the delivery guy; but he doesn't eat kids from Beverly Hills because they're spoiled.
He'd love to have enjoyed Shish-Kabob, but Bob didn't show. By the way, Anthony Hopkins and Martha Stewart are dating; he hollows out skulls, and she turns them into attractive centerpieces.
"There are two words I don't allow in my class," announced the professor to his class, "One is gross and the other is cool." "Professor?" Cried a
voice from the back of the room, "So, what are the words?" - Over the Transom
BITE ME! Animal rights activists protested at Ringling Bros. winter circus quarters in Florida that the performing tigers, monkeys, bears and elephants "are treated like animals," according to Untrue News Pets Editor Darcie Moran. She also quotes a letter from a Takoma pet owner: "They say you can't teach an old dog new tricks, but our ten-year-old black lab, Angus, has learned a few. For eight weeks we taught him to pretend he doesn't hear us when we talk to him, and now he does it all the time. We
also taught him to pee on the rug without asking to be let out. He does that all the time now, too. . ." (McGuffin's Untrue News http://untruenews.com )
"In West Hollywood, the City Council changed the city's municipal code so that pet owners will now be known as 'pet guardians.' The City Council will now be known as 'Those idiots wasting our tax dollars.'" - Patty Paul
FROM THE SUGGESTION BOX The late Albert Einstein (relatily speaking) suggests that "There are only two ways to live your life; one is as if everything is a miracle, the other is as though nothing is a miracle." Danny Mann suggests that with Midler's show being cancelled "ALL BETTES ARE OFF!" Paul Willson suggests you go see him in "Barstow 2008", a soon-to-be-released independent film for which he was named Best Actor last week at the Aspen US Comedy Arts Festival.Producer Ted Bonnit, suggests you visit http://www.jesuschristsuperstore.net/ for early Holiday shopping...and Jan Cobbler suggests that the Seattle quake was because "Mother Earth forgot to take her Earth Control Pill." To which Washington State's Wayne Newitt offers this suggestion from the People of California: "The earthquake was just a warning. Now that we have your attention, sell us your power, give us back our sunshine, take back your
rain, and we'll take back our earthquakes; otherwise, this could get ugly."
"One penguin says to another, 'You look like you're wearing a tuxedo' and the second penguin says, 'Well, maybe I am.'" - Source Unknown
WHOLE LOTTA SHAKIN' GOIN' ON London Planet correspondent Larry Belling alerted me to a Daily Telegraph article by Robert Uhlig titled, "Something Fishy about Trout Orgasms." "New Scientist" reports that after observing 117 pairs of trout coupling (under controlled conditions in the back of a flooded Volvo), Swedish biologists have documented that female brown trout regularly fake orgasms. They quiver violently with their mouths open but hold back ejecting their eggs at the last second of ecstasy when the male releases
his sperm. Although it is assumed that the tricky troutress might be "compensating for male infertility" since the feigned behavior leads to a greater selection of sperm for her eggs, nonetheless if a superior male approaches, the fickle female will go all the way to mate with him. I can see the documentary now: "When Sally Met Sturgeon."
"Did you guys see the Grammys? Christ, there are more subcategories than Larry Flynt's home video library. I think somebody actually won for "'Best Silence'." - Dennis Miller
COPY THAT! Here's a client instruction I got for a recent voice-over commercial: "For males in their 40s to 50s: Should have a soft sophistication with an underlying sense of humor and sarcasm that comes through subtle timing & phrasing. Mellifluous but funny." And the copy? "Chilli's Mushroom Jack Fajitas with sauteed mushrooms, melted Jack cheese and smoky bacon." (This is why we earn the big bucks...)
"They're dubbing basketball players? They're too short!!!" - Looping director
SHIRT SHIFT Frankly, Scallop, I Don't Give a Clam -- My Dog Can Lick Anyone -- Party, My Crib - Two A.M." (on a baby-size shirt) -- Arkansas: One Million People and Only 15 Last Names -- Heck Is Where People Go Who Don't Believe In Gosh -- The meek shall inherit the earth, after we're through with it -- My wild oats have turned to shredded wheat, and -- NyQuil: the stuffy, sneezy, why-the-hell-is-the-room-spinning medicine.
A Jewish Telegram: "Begin worrying. Details to follow." - Ivan's Jokes
JEW HAIKU Hey! Get back indoors! Whatever you were doing could put an eye out. Lovely nose ring -- excuse me while I put my head in the oven. Is one Nobel Prize so much to ask from a child after all I've done? Left the door open for the Prophet Elijah. Now our cat is gone. The same kimono the top geishas are wearing -- got it at Loehmann's. No fins, no flippers the gefilte fish swims with some difficulty. (From David M. Bader's book "Haiku's for Jews")
"I have never known a poet who was not absolutely first class in his
own eyes. - Cicero, from Audio Artist Roger Gregg
BUT WHO'S COUNTING? This year, according to "Give Me A Break", a typical day will be 24 hours long (give or take 86.4 seconds), 315 entries in Webster's Dictionary will be misspelled and 20,000 incorrect drug prescriptions will be written. 880,000 credit cards will turn out to have incorrect information on their magnetic strips. 114,500 mismatched pairs of shoes will be shipped and 2.5 million books with the wrong covers. 103,260 income tax returns will be processed incorrectly, 291 pacemaker operations will be performed incorrectly, and 5.5 million cases of soft drinks will be found to have gone flat. Every day, two planes landing at Chicago's O'Hare airport will be unsafe, 3056 copies of the Wall Street Journal will be missing one of the three sections, 18,322 pieces of mail will be mishandled (every hour), 12 newborns will be given to the wrong parents, and 2,000,000 documents will be lost by the IRS. "And next time the elections roll around," adds George, "I'll be elected president." (Could be an improvement.)
"The caricature they made of Dan in `88 is George W. It wasn't true about Dan, but it is [of] him." - Marilyn Quayle (from Richard Schulenberg)
SAY WHAT? Jeffrey McQuain in The Houston Chronicle describes the colorful word "Mondegreen" (MON-di-green) as "a word or phrase resulting from mis-hearing a word or phrase." It was coined by Sylvia Wright, an American author who heard "laid him on the green," in the Scottish ballad, The Bonny Earl of Murray as -- "Lady Mondegreen." A modern example? Disney's "The Lion King" was touted as their "30-second animated feature" - actually, their "32nd film." And consider
this statistic uttered at Christmas time by a nutritionist on Good Morning America. "The average American will gain 47 pounds during the holidays."
Come again? That's "4 to 7 pounds." And another good word from Rachael Donahue, Paronomasia (par-uh-no-MAY-zhuh): A play on words, like a pun, from Greek paronomazein, to call by a slight name-change; para-, beside + onomazein, to name.
"What's a transvestite? A guy who likes to eat, drink and be Mary!" - Patty Paul
REST YE MERRY Ted McMichael, the last of the founding brothers of "The Merry Macs" the first to popularize four-part harmony and include a female in the group, known for such great 40's hits as "Mairzy Doats", "Praise the Lord and Pass the Ammunition" and "Sentimental Journey", has died at 92. Ted and his two teenage brothers started on 20's radio as the masked "Mystery Trio" even though listeners couldn't see them. Later they became "The Personality Boys" and as "The Merry Macs" appeared in movies
with Jack Benny, Fred Allen, Bing Crosby and Abbot and Costello and headlined with bands like Glen Miller, Ray Noble and Paul Whiteman. May choirs of hep cats sing thee to thy rest.
"I have made no wild promises, except one - honest government." - Senator Ernest A. Johnson, Worcester Sunday Telegram
RATE ON!!! G: Nobody gets the girl. PG: The Good Guy Gets The Girl. R: The Bad
Guy Gets The Girl. X: Everybody Gets The Girl. (From "Take a Break")
+++++++++++(MARCH 16, 2001)++++++++++ * FIRESIGN SITE: www.firesigntheatre.com * FIREZINE SITE: www.firezine.net * FIRESIGN PRODUCT: www.lodestone-media.com * FUNNY TIMES: www.funnytimes.com * PP: http://cedtalent.com/mainpage/voice/index .php -- Have a magic day and pass it on. Magic Mike http://funandmagic.com/
Make $10-$20/hour at home http://homework4s.com/ 4.9 cents/min. phone 24x7 no fees or contracts http://ld.net/?phon4less High speed dial-up for free! Highspeedinfo
Sent: Thursday, March 15, 2001 10:37 PM To: you Subject: Newport Beach, 360 tour Taj Mahal, Tales of Mere Existence
Hi, See Newport Beach at Sunset, and a still photo and 360 degree tour of The Taj Mahal at my Photo Links page today. The Recipe page hosts Honolulu Chicken, Golden Apricot Pie, Light Turkey Picadillo, and Surprise Cherry Squares. See them at http://funandmagic.com/ . The fish eggs are showing signs of development. See my Aquarium cam while you're there. Sign up as an Atom Film's "Insider" and see free feature films and animations. Here is another funny one from Lev. Tales of Mere Existence: Sir USA | 1:36 Animation Collection Comedy Creator: Lev http://www.atomfilms.com/default.asp?film _id=1366 - Synopsis: Lev finds that a little grooming can transform him from the ordinary doofus that he usually is, to someone of substance and stature - or at least someone who looks that way. Background Tales of Mere Existence is the work of Lev, who runs a one-man studio called Ingredient X Entertainment. All the stories are true. The series began in August 1999 and new episodes will be posted regularly.
A young executive was leaving the office at 6 p.m. when he found the CEO standing in front of a shredder with a piece of paper in his hand. "Listen," said the CEO, "this is a very sensitive and important document, and my secretary has left. Can you make this thing work?"
"Certainly," said the young executive. He turned the machine on, inserted the paper, and pressed the start button."Excellent, excellent!"
said the CEO as his paper disappeared inside the machine. "I just need one copy."
**Lesson learnt : Never, never assume that your BOSS knows everything.
-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=
Over 2,500 left handed people a year are killed from using products made for right handed people.
The electric chair was invented by a dentist.
Astronauts cannot cry. In space, there is no gravity, so the tears can't flow.
A company in Taiwan makes dinnerware out of wheat, so you can eat your plate.
Percentage of Americans that want to change their bodies in some way: 75%. Percentage of Americans that would want to change their intelligence: 13%.
A person who is lost and starving can obtain nourishment by chewing on his shoes, provided they are made of leather.
An igloo will stand up to modern artillery better than a concrete barricade. Additionally, the are almost invisible from the air and can't be spotted by infrared sensors.
-=--=-=-=-=--=-
A minister in Florida lamented that it was difficult to get his message across to his congregation: "It's so beautiful here in the winter," he said, "that heaven doesn't interest them."
"And it's so hot here in the summer that hell doesn't scare them."
-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-
A man is giving a speech at his lodge meeting. He gets a bit carried away and talks for two hours.
Finally, he realizes what he is doing and says; "I'm sorry I talked so long. I left my watch at home."
A voice from the back of the room says, "There's a calendar behind you."
-=-=-=-=-=---=-=-
Which car do you own?
.- - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - -
-
AUDI Always Unsafe Designs Implemented
BMW Big Money Works Bought My Wife Brutal Money Waster Bimbette Motor Weapon Break My Window
BUICK Big Ugly Indestructible Car Killer
CHEVROLET Can Hear Every Valve Rap On Long Extended Trips Cheap, Hardly Efficient, Virtually Runs On Luck Every Time Cheap Heap, Every Valve Rattles, Oil Leaks Every Time Condition Hopeless, Entire Vehicle Relies On Leftover Engine Technology
DODGE Drips Oil, Drops Grease Everywhere Dem Old Dudes Go Everywhere Dead or Dying Gas Eater Dear Old Dad's Geriatric Express
FIAT Failure in Italian Automotive Technology Fix It All the Time Fix it again, Tony!
FORD Fix Or Repair Daily Found On Road, Dead Found Off Road, Dead Fault Of R & D Fast Only Rolling Downhill Found On Russian Dump
GM General Maintenance Great Mistake
GMC Garage Man's Companion Got A Mechanic Coming?
HONDA Had One Never Did Again
HYUNDAI Hope You Understand Nothing's Drivable And Inexpensive...
MAZDA Most Always Zipping Dangerously Along
OLDSMOBILE Old Ladies Driving Slowly Make Others Behind Infuriatingly Late Everywhere Overpriced, Leisurely Driven Sedan Made Of Buick's Irregular Leftover Equipment
PINTO Put in new transmission often
PONTIAC Poor old Ninny thinks its a Cadillac
SAAB Send Another Automobile Back Swedish Automobiles Always Breakdown
TOYOTA Too Often Yankees Overprice This Auto
VOLVO Very Odd Looking Vehicular Object Vehicles Of Low Velocity Owners
VW Virtually Worthless
-=-=--=-=-=-=-=--=-=
Great hymns for everyone...
The Dentist's Hymn:...............Crown Him With Many Crowns The Weatherman's Hymn....There shall be showers of Blessing The Contractor's Hymn.......The Church's One Foundation The Tailor's Hymn.................Holy, Holy, Holy The Golfer's Hymn.................There is A Green Hill Far Away The Politician's Hymn...........Standing on the Promises The Optometrist's Hymn...........Open My Eyes That I Might See The IRS Agent's Hymn..............I Surrender All The Gossip's Hymn..................Pass It On The Electrician's Hymn............Send the Light The Shopper's Hymn...............Sweet By and By The Realtors Hymn.........I've got a mansion, just over the hilltop
Now, for those who speed on the highway - a few hymns for you:
45 mph......................God Will Take Care of You 55 mph......................Guide Me, O Thou Great Jehovah 65 mph......................Nearer My God to Thee 75 mph......................Nearer Still Nearer 85 mph......................This World Is Not My Home 95 mph......................Lord, I'm Coming Home and over 100 mph.......Precious Memories...
--=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=
What's brown and sticky? A stick!
------ Have a magic day and pass it on. Magic Mike http://funandmagic.com/
Make $10-$20/hour at home http://homework4s.com/ 4.9 cents/min. phone 24x7 no fees or contracts http://ld.net/?phon4less High speed dial-up for free! Highspeedinfo
Sent: Wednesday, March 14, 2001 5:28 AM To: you Subject: Sun Pillar, 360 Brocade Hill, Lights Out, Dead at his desk for 5 days
Hi, My choice for my desktop photo today is a Sun Pillar. "When the air is cold and the Sun is rising or setting, falling ice crystals can reflect sunlight and create an unusual column of light." Also, get the plug-in when asked and see a 360 degree movie of View from Brocade Hill Guilin, China. This site is the subject of many famous Chinese paintings. See them both at my photo Links Page . The Recipe Page hosts Creamy Egg Salad, Parrot Pudding, Tuscan Pork Roast, and Light Pear Clafouti. Now, I know you're asking me, "What's a Clafouti?" Well, you just stop by my 1.67 megs of good eating and find out. It's right near the top. But the cool thing about the recipe page is that you can use your browser's Find (top left corner click on EDIT), and Find Next, the F3 button, does just that function allowing you to search the whole page of recipes for any meal base or name. That way you can see every variation of cooking that meat, tuna, chicken, mushroom, spinach, cauliflower type of meal you want. Your meals will be out of the rut. While you're doing all this at http://funandmagic.com/ , see my aquarium cam dwarf catfish eggs. I have been recommending stuff from Atom Films. If you don't sign up as an "INSIDER" you only see previews of 1.5 minutes. Some of their good stuff is much longer. Insiders get to see full length, so sign up, it's free. Today's pick is very cute for an argument between roommates. Lights Out USA 2:45 Animation Comedy No Dialogue Creator: Mike Gargiulo Synopsis Two roommates fight over the color of their sole lightbulb, and eventually reach a strange compromise. http://www.atomfilms.com/default.asp?film _id=1417
A priest at a parochial school, wanting to point out the proper behavior for church, was trying to elicit from the youngsters rules that
their parents might give before taking them to a nice restaurant. "Don't play with your food," one second-grader cited. "Don't be loud," said another, and so on. "And what rule do your parents give you before you go out to eat?" the priest inquired of one little boy. Without batting an eye, the child replied, "Order something cheap."
-==--=-=-=-=-=-=
At a catholic gathering, Mother superior stacked a pile of apples on one end of a table with a sign saying,
"Take only one apple please - God is watching."
On the other end of the table was a pile of cookies which a student had placed a sign on saying,
"Take all the cookies you want - God is watching the apples."
-=---=-=-=-=-=--=--=-
While making rounds, a doctor points out an X-ray to a group of medical students.
"As you can see," she says, "the patient limps because his left fibula and tibia are radically arched. Michael, what would you do in a case like this?"
"Well," ponders the student, "I suppose I'd limp too."
-=-=-=-==-=-=-=-=-=-
What is the difference between a good lawyer and a great Lawyer? A good lawyer knows the law and a great lawyer knows the judge.
-=--=-==-=-=-=-=-=
In the Birmingham Sunday Mercury (7th Jan 2001):
WORKER DEAD AT DESK FOR 5 DAYS
Bosses of a publishing firm are trying to work out why no one noticed that one of their employees had been sitting dead at his desk for FIVE DAYS before anyone asked if he was feeling okay. George Turklebaum, 51, who had been employed as a proof-reader at a New York firm for 30 years, had a heart attack in the open-plan office he shared with 23 other workers. He quietly passed away on Monday, but nobody noticed until Saturday morning when an
office cleaner asked why he was still working during the weekend. His boss Elliot Wachiaski said: "George was always the first guy in each morning and the last to leave at night, so no one found it unusual that he was in the same position all that time and didn't say anything. "He was always absorbed in his work and kept much to himself."
A post mortem examination revealed that he had been dead for five days after suffering a coronary. Ironically, George was proofreading manuscripts of medical textbooks when he died.
You may want to give your co-workers a nudge occasionally.
And the moral of the story: Don't work too hard. Nobody notices anyway
-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=
At the morning roll call at a military base, the sergeant called out, "Platoon, atten-HUT! Private Martinez, report to the office. Your brother died last night."
The Chaplain, Rabbi Horowitz, looked on in horror. "Sergeant," he said afterwards, "that's a rather cruel and unfeeling way to break tragic news. We must be more gentle and less abrupt in the future,"
The sergeant shrugged. "Yes sir. I'll try to remember that." He didn't look very convinced.
Several days later, a call came in about another family death. As the troops were assembling for roll call, the Chaplain stepped forward. "Let me take this one, sergeant", he said. He turned toward the sleepy-looking soldiers and said, "Platoon, atten-HUT!" They came to attention. "Good morning, men!" he said. "Good morning, sir", they replied.
"Men, today is Mother's Day, and I hope all of you will be calling home to send your moms a loving thought. In fact, all of you who are fortunate enough to still have a mother who's alive and well, take two steps forward..... Private Siegelman; ...best take two steps back !"
-=-=-=-=-=-=--=-=
Dr Suess On English
We'll begin with a box and the plural is boxes; but the plural of ox should be oxen not oxes.
Then one fowl is a goose, but two are called geese, yet the plural of moose should never be meese.
You may find a lone mouse or a nest full of mice; yet the plural of house is houses, not hise.
If the plural of man is always called men, why shouldn't the plural of pan be called pen?
If I spoke of my foot and show you my feet, and I give you a boot, would
a pair be called a beet?
If one is a tooth and a whole set are teeth, why shouldn't the plural of
booth be called beeth?
Then one may be that, and three would be those, yet hat in the plural would never be hose. And the plural of cat is cats, not cose.
We speak of a brother and also of brethren, but though we say mother, we
never say methren.
Then the masculine pronouns are he, his and him, but imagine the feminine, she, shis and shim.
So English, I fancy you will agree, is the craziest language you ever did see.
-- Have a magic day and pass it on. Magic Mike http://funandmagic.com/
Make $10-$20/hour at home http://homework4s.com/ 4.9 cents/min. phone 24x7 no fees or contracts http://ld.net/?phon4less High speed dial-up for free! Highspeedinfo
Subject: Egret, recipes, Planet Proctor!!!! Date: Fri, 09 Mar 2001 12:52:13 -0800 From: Magic Mike Berger <mmb Organization: http://funandmagic.com http:ld.net/?phon4less To: you
Hi, Today's Photo Links choice is great blue heron was taken in Everglades National Park. New on the Recipe: Lemon Tangy Chicken; Cracker Brittle; Light Baked Catfish; Strawberry Fudge Balls; Baked Pork and Rice Casserole with Cream Of Celery; Raisin Rice Pudding; Chop Suey Salad; Light Praline Peach Compote. See them at http://funandmagic.com/ . The areas covered by 3 cents long distance have expanded. Other areas get 3.9 and 4.9 cents a minute. No monthly fees, no contracts. Also, $12.95 56k dial-up, and low cost custom computers. Put what you want inside. You can join this affiliate program to make money with me. http://ld.net/?phon4less .
Mommy has told her little girl all about the making of babies. Little Annie is now silent for a while.
"You understand it now?" Mommy asks.
"Yes," replies her daughter.
"Do you still have any questions?"
"Yes, how about little kittens? How does that work?"
"In exactly the same way as with babies."
"Wow!" the girl exclaims. "My daddy can do ANYTHING!"
-=-==-=-=-=-=-=-=-=
Driving my friend Steve and his girlfriend to the airport, I passed a billboard showing a bikini-clad beauty holding a can of beer. Steve's girlfriend glanced up at it and announced, "I suppose if I drank a six-pack of that brand, I'd look like her."
"No," Steve corrected. "If I drank a six-pack, you'd look like her."
-=-=-=-=---=-=-=-=-=-
"Easy DOESN'T do it." -Al Bernstein
-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-
"Hey! This looks like a great meal! I knew my Bobby was lucky to have such a beautiful wife," said Ray, "but I didn't know you were a fantastic cook as well."
"I feel I should warn you, Ray," she simpered, "that I expect my husband home in an hour."
"But I'm not doing anything." he protested.
"I know," she sighed. "I just wanted to let you know how much time you had."
-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=--=-=
"Things You Do Not Want To Hear In Surgery..."
Better save that. We'll need it for the autopsy.
Someone call the janitor we're going to need a mop
"Accept this sacrifice, O Great Lord of Darkness"
Hand me that...uh...that uh.....thingie..
Oh no! I just lost my Rolex.
Could you stop that thing from beating; it's throwing my concentration off.
What's this doing here?
I hate it when they're missing stuff in here.
That's cool! Now can you make her leg twitch?!
-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=
Bumper Sticker Seen in West Palm Beach:
HONK if you VOTED FOR GORE..... IT'S the BIG BUTTON in the MIDDLE of YOUR STEERING WHEEL!
--=-=-=-=-=-=-=--=-=
"We are all born into the world with nothing. Everything we acquire after that is profit." -Sam Ewing
=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=
There was this guy in a mental hospital. All day long he had his ear to the wall, listening. The doctor would watch this guy do this day after day. The doctor finally decided to see what the guy was listening to, so he put his ear up to the wall and listened. He heard nothing. He turned to the mental patient and said, "I don't hear anything." The mental patient said, "Yeah, I know. It's been like that for months!"
--=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=
A couple of old men were sitting around swapping stories. "Have you ever
hunted bear?" asked the one. "No," replied the other, "but I've gone fishing in nothing but shorts."
--=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-
NEW EVIDENCE SHOWS CLINTON PARDONED HITLER, SATAN, SELF
In new documents just revealed by the Justice Department, in addition to the controversial pardon of fugitive Marc Rich, former President Clinton also pardoned Adolph Hitler and Satan. With minutes to go before his term expired, Clinton signed an order to pardon himself.
Clinton's press liaison defended the pardons. "President Clinton reasoned it's time to put this whole 'World War' thing behind us.
"While Hitler did indeed have a few bad years, he's been a model of civility for the last 56 years. We think he deserves a second chance."
Clinton seemed to identify with Hitler. "There were forces constantly at work against him. I'm not condoning what he did, mind you, but I feel his pain. I know exactly what it's like to have the media of the world against you."
Clinton's pardon of Satan drew some right-wing Republican protests. Representative Dan Burton called upon Clinton to appear before Congress and explain the action. Burton believes there was a deal between the Prince of Darkness and Clinton to help build Clinton's Presidential Library in exchange for the pardon and Clinton's soul.
Democrats were quick to dismiss the charges. Senator Tom Daschle said, "These charges are bogus because President Clinton sold his soul to Satan years ago."
Just before he posed for pictures on Inauguration Day with the new president, Clinton signed a pardon forgiving himself "for any goddamned thing anyone wants to pin on me, for all eternity -- even things they've not found out about yet!"
--=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=
Subject: pp 2001.05 Date: Tue, 6 Mar 2001 20:41:12 -0500 From: phil proctor <PProctor@compuserve.com To: 3 <pproctor@compuserve.com
(((((((((((((((((((( PLANET PROCTOR 2001.04 - http://www.planetproctor.com
"Scientists have discovered the reason for the 6.8 Seattle quake . . . Bill Gates dropped his wallet." - from Jack Angel
ZINE ON THE DOTTED LINE Flash! Fred Wiebel, Jr., dauntless and penniless Freditor of the
fabled Firezine, is offering two new re-mastered Firesign Theatre archival CDs: "Questions & Answers/Firesign Live in '75", and Austin & Ossman's "Big Broadcast Of 1976" to raise $cratch to publish Firezine 8. Please help, and get a heap of laffs in the bargain, at www.firezine.net Also keep an ear (and eye) out for Rykodisc's month-end release of "Back From The Shadows", the first in a series of Firesign DVDs from Whirlwind Media, which includes an hour-long interview and video goodies to augment this rare Mobile Fidelity reunion set.
"I love a girl who wears leather pants, because when you take them off, she smells like a new car." - Sheldon Leonard from Jack Riley
HAVE FAITH, BY GEORGE! Claire Petersky suggests that George W. Bush should not limit the government's proposal of faith-based efforts just to the human service sector but should support a faith-based missile defense system (FBMD) as
well. It would not violate arms controls agreements we have signed in the past, calming many foreign policy experts and allies who fear development of the National Missile Defense system (NMD), will trigger a new arms race; and secondly, the $12.7 billion MND is projected to cost could be used instead for our national parks, education, housing the homeless, etc. as
the FBMD could be practically free! Granted, a faith-based system may end up being ineffective, states Ms Petersky, but after spending more than $50 billion on NMD anti-missile technology since 1983, we still have Scant evidence that it works, either. On our coinage it states, "In God We Trust." It's time for George W. Bush to extend that trust in the protection of our nation.
"According to an article in Modern Maturity, a munchkin approached Judy Garland during the filming of 'Oz' and said: 'I'm going to screw you by the time this picture's done.' To which she replied: 'If you do, and I ever find out . . .'" - Ivan's Jokes
NAME THAT LOON Eric Boardman reports that he audience of Jayne Carroll's Portland, Oregon-based political talk radio show was recently polled for the official name for Bill & Hillary Clinton's $1.7 million Chappaqua, New York home. Some suggestions: "Perjurers' Palace, The House of Bill's Repute, The House of 7 Felonies, The Clinton Compost, Drawers Downs, Sin Simeon, Hillbilly
Villa, The Knee Pad, The White Trash House, The Blight House, Dogpatch on the Hudson, The Hen House, The Out House, The Love Shack, and Bill & Hill's Bribe & Breakfast." But the clear, hands-down winner was - "DISGRACELAND. "
"Pediatricians for Peter Pan announced today that his testicles have finally descended." - Yuri Rasovsky
PLAYING DOCTOR A four-year old was at the pediatrician for a check up. As the doctor looked into her ears, he asked, "Do you think I'll find Big Bird in here?" The little girl stayed silent. Next, he looked down her throat. "Do you think I'll find the Cookie Monster down there?" he asked. Again, the little girl was silent. Then as he listened to her heartbeat, he asked, "Do you think I'll hear Barney in there?" "Oh, no!" the little girl finally replied. "Jesus is in my heart -- Barney's on my underpants."
"The three stages of getting sick are: ill, pill and bill." - From Patty Paul
READ ALL ABOUT IT! * "Analysis: Biblical plagues hit Britain" - United Press International * "Putin A Vampire, Wife Says" - Virtual New York * "Problem Cows Gunned Down From the Air" - The Salt Lake Tribune * "Rabid Lithuanian Lab Mice Missing" - The Associated Press * And -- "Drug Residue Found at Bard's Home" - Los Angeles Times
MIDSUMMER'S NIGHT DREAM? Yes, it's true, several 17th century clay pipes were dug up at the site of Billy "The Shake's" residence, which South African researchers said may contain a residue of marijuana. The Stratford-on-Avon Shakespeare Birthplace Trust granted the Pretoria scientists leave (or was it "leaf"?) to analyze 24 pipe fragments out of which eight showed evidence of pot and two yielded traces of cocaine. Maybe that's how he wrote "Anything You Want To."
"Warning! Thou hast just received the Amish virus. Since we have not
electricity or computers, we ask thee kindly to delete all files on thy hard drive and forward this message to all in thy address book." - from Jack Angel
CYBER-SAINT SOON? Richard Owen writes in the London Times that the Pope is about to name St Isidore of Seville as the Patron Saint of Computer Users and the
Internet on the grounds that in the 7th century he produced one of the worlds first databases in the form of a twenty-volume encyclopedia called The Etymologies. "The man who is slow to grasp things but persists and really tries hard is eventually rewarded," he's said to have said. Pope Paul last year designated St Thomas More as the patron saint of politicians and statesmen joining St Matthew for accountants, St Genesius for actors, St Nicholas, chemists, St Gabriel, broadcasters, St
Lawrence for cooks (he was burned on a grill), for doctors St Luke, firemen, St Agatha, journalists, St Francis of Sales, taxi drivers, St Fiacre, and for lawyers -- sorry -- St Hilary. The patron saint of television is St Clare (St Francis of Assisi's companion) who was reported to be able to "transmit images of herself to him while she lay ill." The Vatican has its own website, "powered by three computers dubbed Raphael, Michael and Gabriel."
** If a man comes to your door and says he is conducting a survey and
asks you to show him your boobs, DO NOT SHOW HIM YOUR BOOBS. This is a scam. He is only trying to see your boobs.** - Good advice from Lev Spiro
A BAD RAP! We, the Fans Of Real Music (FORM), officially denounce and protest the selection of Steely Dan "Two Against Nature" as the Grammy Record Of The Year. We, the loving fans of Eminem, Madonna, Brittany Spears, Coolio, N'Sync,
Christina Aguilera, The Backstreet Boys, Dr. Dre, Metallica, Limp Bizkit, Snoop Doggy Dog and The Deftones urge you to boycott ALL music utilizing
the following: "Melody, harmony, phrasing, dynamics, arrangement, good intonation, tonality, modulation, improvisation, real instrumentation, more than two sections, and lyrics we don't understand." We also ask you not to listen to any music that DOES NOT contain
acceptable subject matter which would include ONLY the following: "Death, gang rape, mayhem, gender changing, bigotry, masturbation, public defecation, penile implants, John Rocker, and school bombings." Furthermore, we urge you to not purchase or listen to any music that is "jazz based" or has "jazz influence" as it undermines the purpose of music in America. Please forward this email to 15 friends and you will receive a $20 gift certificate to Tower Records, a FREE automatic Napster download of Milli Vannilli singing "My Funny Valentine", and a jpeg of Hustler's upcoming "spread" on The Dixie Chicks. And see <www.FORM.con for our new "Fun for the Whole Family" section!
"Times are bad; children no longer obey their parents and everyone is writing a book." - Marcus Tullius Cicero ... "Or writing a one-person show" - Edie McClurg
SUNDANCE HOT PICKS Jay Bernsweig attended the Sundance Film Festival in Park City and wrote us about some of the more interesting offerings: "The Rig" (U.K., 2000) The lives of a transsexual prostitute, a heroin-addicted priest, a Bangladeshi drug lord, a runaway teen dying of
AIDS and two of the Spice Girls are chronicled in this cinema verite' masterpiece that follows a single syringe as it passes from hand to hand
(and arm to arm) in present-day London. (104 minutes; subtitled) "Really Grim Misery" (Echte Schrecklige Schmerz - East Germany, 2000) Lottie is an underpaid assembly line worker in the gray and polluted city of Leipzig, forced to abandon his sex change operation at the halfway point when a politically driven strike closes the local noose factory. (185 minutes; b&w) "How Silent My Agony" (Friik Ich Stylle - France/Denmark, 2000) On Denmark's windswept northern Fjords, the entire village of Kaaltholm has taken a lifelong vow of silence and celibacy. The entire structure of moral society in the little town is threatened when an insane Parisian woman arrives with plans to mount a production of Annie Get Your Gun. Genevieve Bujold won a Special Jury Prize at Cannes for her portrayal of
Mme. Salope, the tuneful psychopath. (140 minutes; musical) "How Fat Was My Doobie" (Jamaica, 1999) Saga of a young boy from
the mountains, increasingly torn between his family's meager existence in the hemp fields and the lure of glamorous but wicked big city life in Kingston. (73 minutes) "Gay My Ass!" (U.S., 2000) Robert Duvall breaks new ground in this sensitive and surprising portrait of a retired steelworker forced to confront his long-repressed sexuality when a Honduran-immigrant florist rents his spare bedroom. (Formerly titled "How Pink My Azaleas". (110 minutes) "How Crude the Oil, How Blue the Sky" (Qatar, 2000) In this high-water mark of the newly emerging Qatari cinema, 22 year-old Fouad undergoes a crisis of cultural and personal loyalty as he must choose between duty -- his father's vast, natural gas enterprise -- and desire, as personified by his Jewish/mulatta girlfriend Rachel and the glamorous life he shares with her in the 24/7 world of L.A.'s hip-hop clubs. (111 minutes; musical) "Cholesterol" (Grasa Non Graso - Italy, 2000) When a wealthy Tuscan landowner courts and then jilts a peasant girl from one of his tenant farms, the girl turns to her grandmother, a powerful "strega" who places a curse on the landlord that compels him and everyone he meets to eat and fornicate themselves to death. Watch for Marlon Brando's brilliant, uncredited cameo. (200 minutes; shown in two parts, with a dinner break)
"Sacred cows make the best hamburger." - Mark Twain (from Michael Lindsay)
IT COULD BE WORSE... The average cost of rehabilitating a seal after the Exxon Valdez
oil spill in Alaska was $80,000. At a special ceremony, two of the most expensively saved animals were released back into the wild amid cheers and applause from onlookers. A minute later, in full view, a killer whale ate them both. Two animal rights protesters were protesting at the cruelty of sending pigs to a slaughterhouse in Bonn Germany. Suddenly the pigs, all
two thousand of them, escaped through a broken fence and stampeded, trampling the two hapless protesters to death. Iraqi terrorist, Khay Rahnajet, didn't pay enough postage on a letter bomb. It came back with "return to sender" stamped on it. Forgetting it was the bomb, he opened it and was blown to bits. (Your day's not so bad, now, is it?)
"Yesterday I traveled into the future. I was laying on my bed, shut my eyes and then when I opened them I was 4 hours into the future! And now I can't seem to get back." - Jason "Topsey" Turvey
RIDE 'EM COWBOY! Two cowboys are out in the range talking about their favorite sex positions and one says, "I think I enjoy the Rodeo Position the best." "I never heard of that one," says the other cowboy. "What is it?" "Well, it's when you get your gal down on all fours, and you mount her from behind, and you reach around and cup each of her boobies in your hands, and then you whisper in her ear, 'Boy, these feel a lot smaller than your sister's.' And then you try to hold on for eight seconds." (from TAZMO)
"My sex life is so bad that when I called one of those phone sex lines, a voice came on and said, 'Not tonight; I have an earache.'" - Patty Paul
DOES SHE BELIEVE IN SANTEE CLAUS, TOO? "He's still my friend; I'm not going to dislike him just because he killed people. He's not sick in the head like those people from Columbine," states Vanessa Willis, the 15-year old neighbor of Santana High shooter Andy Williams as quoted in the L.A. Times.
"My karma just ran over your dogma" - from Michael Lindsay
FOR MEN ONLY!!!! MEN: Be more alert and extra cautious when accepting a drink offer from a girl. There is a new drug that is now being used by female sexual
predators to induce their male victims to have sex with them. The shocking news is the drug is available virtually anywhere! The drug is in liquid form and goes by the street name "Beer." All a girl needs to do is supply "Beer" and then simply ask the guy home for a night of no-strings-attached sex. Men are rendered literally helpless against such tactics!
FORWARD THIS IMPORTANT WARNING TO EVERY GUY YOU KNOW!
+++++++++++(MARCH 6, 2001)++++++++++ * FIRESIGN SITE: www.firesigntheatre.com * FIREZINE SITE: www.firezine.net * FIRESIGN PRODUCT: www.lodestone-media.com * FUNNY TIMES: www.funnytimes.com * PP: http://cedtalent.com/mainpage/voice/index.php
-- Have a magic day and pass it on. Magic Mike http://funandmagic.com/
Make $10-$20/hour at home http://homework4s.com/ 4.9 cents/min. phone 24x7 no fees or contracts http://ld.net/?phon4less High speed dial-up for free! Highspeedinfo
Subject: (cleaned) Eagle, Butterfly, Experimental animation, my Top 100 feel good Date: Mon, 05 Mar 2001 01:45:41 -0800 From: Magic Mike Berger <mmb Organization: http://funandmagic.com http:ld.net/?phon4less To: you
She Was Soooooooooooooo Blonde: she tripped over a cordless phone.
Hi, The last two photos at the Photo Links page are stunning close-ups of
an eagle, and a butterfly. See the at my site http://funandmagic.com/ along with these on the Recipe page: Curried Tuna Melts; feather dumplings; poached fish; sweet 'n sour chicken; chocolate chips brownies; apple sauce cake; Tomato, Pasta & Spinach Soup; Cheese Pepper Sour Cream Yeast
Bread.; Neapolitan Easter Cake; Baked Lemon Spaghetti; Pig In The Ground; and Mint Fudge. At the bottom is my Top 100 picks to search for on Napster and had to
hear a certain tune to make me feel good. I am now reviewing Atom Films on a regular basis. There are many, and
some and not good enough. However, I urge you to register as a member to
view these at http://www.atomfilms.com/ . Today I pick a fantastic movie
of animated objects called "Progress" at http://www.atomfilms.com/default.asp?film_id=1374 . Synopsis Progress is an experimental film created almost entirely with found objects. The story deals with two characters, the only living things in a broken and abandoned landscape. Together, they conspire to resurrect the world around them, with disastrous results.
Background Filmmaker Webster Crowell: "This film began as an experiment, however, stop motion demands long hours of staring at your subject, and the more I stared, the more places I discovered for the characters to explore. The film was created over a period of almost 2 years, as the sets became larger, and I worked around my day jobs to finish it."
I hope you enjoy these surfing tips and jokes. Pass them to your friends
and tell them to stop by my site for the daily fresh stuff. I now get 1200 hits a day. Thanks, Magic Mike Dentist to Patient: "Would you help me? Could you give out a few of your loudest, most painful screams?"
Patient: "Why, Doc? It isn't all that bad this time."
Dentist: "There are so many people in the waiting room right now and I don't want to miss the 5 o'clock football game."
-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-
Two men were talking about their jobs.
"The company where I work is putting in a computer system and it is going to put a lot of people out of work. Have they started that over where you work?"
"Oh," said his friend, "We've been on computers for more than five years but they can't replace me. Nobody has been able to figure out exactly what I do."
-=-=-=-=-=-=--=-=-=
The orthopedic surgeon I work for was moving to a new office, and his staff was helping transport many of the items. I sat the display skeleton in the front of my car, his bony arm across the back of my seat.
I hadn't considered the drive across town. At one traffic light, the stares of the people in the car beside me became obvious, and I looked across and explained, "I'm delivering him to my doctor's office."
The other driver leaned out of his window. "I hate to tell you, lady," he said, "but I think it's too late!"
-=--=-=-=-=--=-=-=
I have learned that if you upset your wife she nags you.
If you upset her even more you get the silent treatment.
Don't you think it's worth the extra effort?
=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-
A Hunter walking through the jungle found a huge dead dinosaur with a pigmy standing beside it. Amazed, he asked: "Did you kill that?". The pigmy said "Yes." The hunter asked "How could a little bloke like you kill a huge beast like that?" said the pigmy: "I killed it with my club." The astonished hunter asked: "How big is your club?" The pigmy replied: "There's about 60 of us."
--=-=-=--=-=-=-=-=
Magic Mike's Pick Of The Top 100. The top tunes I found on Napster when I said to myself, "What old song haven't I heard in a long time."
Al Green - Ain't No Sunshine When She's Gone". Allman Brothers Band - "Jessica." Arlo Guthrie - "City Of New Orleans." Bachman Turner Overdrive - "Taking Care Of Business." Beatles - "A Day In The Life." Blind Faith - "Do what you like." Bob Dylan - "A Hard Rain's A-Gonna Fall." Bob Dylan - "All Along the Watchtower." Bob Dylan - "Everybody Must Get Stoned." Bob Dylan - "Stuck Inside Of Mobile With Memphis Blues Again." Bob Dylan- "Positively 4th street." Bob Seeger - "Old Time Rock and Roll." Cat Mother and the All Night News Boys - "Good Old Rock & Roll." Creedance Clearwater - "Suzie Q." Carol King - "Feel The Earth Move". Cream - "Sunshine Of Your Love". Dave Brubeck Quartet - "Take Five." Dave Mason - "Can't Stop Worrying, Can't Stop Loving." Dave Mason - "Feelin' Alright." Dave Mason - "Look At You, Look At Me." Dave Mason - "Only You Know And I Know." Dave Mason - "Shouldn't Have Took More Than You Gave." Dave Mason - "World In Changes." Deep Purple - "Highway Star." Deep Purple - "Smoke On The Water." Duke Ellington - "Satin Doll." Duke Ellington - "Take the A Train." Elvis Presley - "Blue Moon Of Kentucky." Elvis Presley - "Suspicion." Eric Burden & The Animals- "Monterey." Fleetwood mac - "Future Games ." Fleetwood Mac - "Morning Rain." Fleetwood Mac - "Woman of a Thousand Years." Frank Sinatra - "As Time Goes By." George Gershwin - "Rhapsody in Blue." Glenn Miller - "Moonlight serenade." Golden Earring - "Radar Love." Grateful Dead - "Scarlet Begonias." Grateful Dead - "US Blues." Greg Allman - "Midnight Rambler." Huey Lewis - "I Want A New Drug." Huey Lewis and the News - "Heart of Rock n' Roll." It's A Beautiful Day - "White Bird." Jimmy Cliffe - "Many Rivers To Cross." Jimmy Cliffe - "The Harder They Come." Jimmy Durante - "Young At Heart." John Mayall - "California" Joni Mitchell - "Big Yellow Taxi." Led Zepplin - "Dazed And Confused." Led Zepplin - "Whole Lotta Love." Led Zepplin - "Ramble On." Led Zepplin - "You Shook Me." Little Feat - "Old Folks' Boogie." Little Feat - "O Atlanta". Little Feat - "Spanish Moon." Kinks - "Lola". Little Feat - "Triple Face Boogie." Otos Redding - "Dock Of The Bay". Otis Redding - "When A Man Loves A Woman" Men At Work - "Who Can It Be Now". Patsy Kline - "Craszy". Paul Simon - "Lincoln Duncan." Pink Floyd - "Meddle (complete album)." Quicksilver Messenger Service - "Mona." Rolling Stones - "Can't You Hear Me Knocking." Rolling Stones - "MidNight Rambler." Savoy Brown - "Street Corner Talkin'." SeaTrain - "I'm Willin." SeaTrain - "Orange Blossom Special." Steely Dan - "Any Major Dude Will Tell You." Steely Dan - "Bodhissattva." Steely Dan - "Don't Take Me Alive." Steely Dan - "FM." Steely Dan - "Hey 19." Sugarloaf - "Green Eyed Lady." Talking Heads - "Take Me To The River." The Savoy Brown - "Louisiana Blues." The Youngbloods - "Darkness Darkness." Tom Petty - "Learning To Fly." Traffic - "The Low Spark of High-Healed Boys." Traveling Wilburys - "End of the Line." Van Morrison - "And It Stoned Me." Van Morrison - "Dancing In The Moonlight." Van Morrison - "Into the Mystic." Van Morrison - "Moondance." Van Morrison - "Wild Night." Ventures - "Ghost Riders In The Sky." Viscounts - "Harlem Nocturne." Woody Herman - "Blues in the Night." -- Have a magic day and pass it on. Magic Mike http://funandmagic.com/
Make $10-$20/hour at home http://homework4s.com/ 4.9 cents/min. phone 24x7 no fees or contracts http://ld.net/?phon4less High speed dial-up for free! Highspeedinfo
Subject: Trees of Olympic Rain Forest, I new the earthquake was coming, Star Wars ala "Humphrey" Date: Thu, 01 Mar 2001 10:22:47 -0800 From: Magic Mike Berger <mmb Organization: http://funandmagic.com http:ld.net/?phon4less To: you
Hi, Today's Photo Links choice are the magnificent tree of the Olympic National Park's Rain Forest. The new recipes are Light Clam Chowder and Biscuit Pudding http://funandmagic.com/ . We had a 6.8 quake yesterday but it was 35 miles away and 30 miles deep so it didn't do much damage. I knew all week. There was a Home Show the previous weekend. When I thought about going there, I got a picture of an earthquake, and windows breaking, and I didn't go. The night before the quake, I again had strong feelings come to me and I moved my beta's fish bowl off the top of my monitor. So, I am 2 for 2 on quakes I have been in, having strong feeling within hours, and foreboding for a week. On quakes in areas I have have not been in, I am 12 for 12 on quakes I have contemplated within a week, pinpointing the area or country. In a Galaxy far away, there was "Humphrey", a Star Wars couch potato http://www.atomfilms.com/default.asp?film_id=1444 .
How do people with no teeth open those little packages of ketchup and mustard?
-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=--=-=-=-=-
A deaf man in Bennettsville, South Carolina, filed for divorce because his wife "was always nagging him in sign language."
A woman in Canon City, Colorado, divorced her husband because he forced her to "duck under the dashboard whenever they drove past his girlfriend's house."
=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=--=-=-=
"Fear is just excitement in need of an attitude adjustment" -Russ Quaglia
=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-
The pretty secretary came in late for work the third day in a row. The boss called her into his office and said, "Now look Sharon, I know we had a wild fling for a while, but that's over. I expect you to conduct yourself like any other employee around here.
The boss pressed on, " Who told you you could come and go as you please around here?"
Sharon simply smiled, lit up a cigarette, and while exhaling said, "My lawyer."
--=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=
What do you call a motorcyclist riding without a helmet? Organ donor.
-==-=-=-=--=--=-=-=-=
Top 10 Signs of Job Burn-Out 10. You're so tired, you now answer the phone with "Go to Hell." 9. Your friends call to ask how you've been, and you immediately scream, "Stop asking me all these damn questions!" 8. Your garbage can IS your "In" box. 7. You wake up to discover your house is on fire, but go back to sleep because you just don't care. 6. You consider a 40 hour week a vacation. 5. Visions of the upcoming weekend help you make it through Monday. 4. You don't set your alarm anymore because you know your pager will go off before your alarm does. 3. You leave for a party and instinctively bring your ID badge. 2. Your DayTimer/Work Planner exploded a week ago. And the number one sign that you are burned out because of work... 1. You think about how relaxing it would be if you were in jail right now.
-=-=-=-=--=-=-=-=-
What's Your Business Sign?
1) MARKETING You are ambitious yet stupid. You chose a marketing degree to avoid having to study in college, concentrating instead on drinking and socializing which is pretty much what your job responsibilities are now. Least compatible with Sales.
2) SALES Laziest of all signs, often referred to as "marketing without a degree." You are also self-centered and paranoid. Unless someone calls you and begs you to take their money, you like to avoid contact with customers so you can "concentrate on the big picture." You seek admiration for your golf game throughout your life.
3) TECHNOLOGY Unable to control anything in your personal life, you are instead content to completely control everything that happens at your workplace. Often even YOU don't understand what you are saying but who the hell can tell. It is written that Geeks shall inherit the Earth.
4) ENGINEERING One of only two signs that actually studied in school. It is said that engineers place ninety percent of all Personal Ads. You can be happy with yourself; your office is full of all the latest "ergodynamic" gadgets. However, we all know what is really causing your "carpal tunnel syndrome."
5) ACCOUNTING The only other sign that studied in school. You are mostly immune from office politics. You are the most feared person in the organization; combined with your extreme organizational traits, the majority of rumors concerning you say that you are completely insane.
6) HUMAN RESOURCES Ironically, given your access to confidential information, you tend to be the biggest gossip within the organization. Possibly the only other person that does less work than marketing, you are unable to return any calls today because you have to get a haircut, have lunch AND then mail a letter.
7) MANAGEMENT/MIDDLE MANAGEMENT Catty, cutthroat, yet completely spineless, you are destined to remain at your current job for the rest of your life. Unable to make a single decision you tend to measure your worth by the number of meetings you can schedule for yourself. Best suited to marry other "Middle Managers" as everyone in your social circle is a "Middle Manager."
8) SENIOR MANAGEMENT (See above - Same sign, different title)
9) CUSTOMER SERVICE Bright, cheery, positive, you are a fifty-cent cab ride from taking your own life. As children very few of you asked your parents for a little cubicle for your room and a headset so you could pretend to play "Customer Service." Continually passed over for promotions, your best bet is to sleep with your manager.
10) CONSULTANT Lacking any specific knowledge, you use acronyms to avoid revealing your utter lack of experience. You have convinced yourself that your "skills" are in demand and that you could get a higher paying job with any other organization in a heartbeat. You will spend an eternity contemplating these career opportunities without ever taking direct action.
11) RECRUITER, "HEADHUNTER" As a "person" that profits from the success of others, most people who actually work for a living disdain you. Paid on commission and susceptible to alcoholism, your ulcers and frequent heart attacks correspond directly with fluctuations in the stock market.
12) PARTNER, PRESIDENT, CEO You are brilliant or lucky. Your inability to figure out complex systems such as the fax machine suggest the latter.
13) GOVERNMENT WORKER Paid to take days off. Government workers are genius inventors, like the invention of new Holidays. They usually suffer from deep depression or anxiety and usually commit serious crimes while on the job...Thus the term "GO POSTAL"
-- Have a magic day and pass it on. Magic Mike http://funandmagic.com/
Material, design and coding,
Copyright 1996-2005 by Magic Mike, except as noted.
All Rights Reserved. - Seattle, Wa.
