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Magic Mike's Jokes Archive #32
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"Since all phenomena, is a product of one's own mind,
empty of meaning, like a magician's illusion,
having nothing to do with good or bad, acceptance or rejection,
one might burst out in laughter."
- Longchenpa, 13th century Tibetan monk.
Subject: Space Station and Earth Date: Wed, 28 Feb 2001 08:46:24 -0800 From: Magic Mike Berger <mmb Organization: http://funandmagic.com http:ld.net/?phon4less To: you
Hi, A real nice view of the newly installed module, as the Shuttle leaves the International Space Station, is my choice of Photo Links today. Swiss Chicken and Burnt Candy are the day's Recipes. http://funandmagic.com/
While on maternity leave, a woman from our office brought in her new bundle of joy. She also had her seven-year-old son with her. Everyone gathered around the baby, and the little boy asked, "Mommy, can I have some money to buy a soda?"
"What do you say?" she asked.
Respectfully, the boy replied, "You're thin and beautiful."
The woman reached in her purse and gave her son the money.
-=-=-=-=-=-=-=
A customer was so infatuated with his waitress he decided to ask her for a date, but couldn't get her attention. When he was able to catch her eye, she quickly looked away. Finally he followed her into the kitchen and confronted her. With a total lack of finesse, he blurted out his invitation. To his amazement, she readily consented. He said, "Why have you been avoiding me since you served me? You wouldn't even make eye contact."
"Oh," replied the waitress, "I thought you wanted more coffee."
-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-
A few years ago the battery in my beat-up VW Beetle had died because I left the lights on overnight. I was in a hurry to get to work on time so I ran into the house to get my wife to give me a hand to start the car. I told her to get into our second car, a prehistoric oversized gas guzzler, and use it to push my car fast enough to start it. I pointed out to her that because the VW had an automatic transmission, it needed to be pushed at least 30mph for it to start.
She said fine, hopped into her car and drove off.
I sat there fuming wondering what she could be doing.
A minute passed by and when I saw her in the rear-view mirror coming at me at about 40 mph, I realized that I should have been a bit clearer with my directions.
-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-
"Decide that you want it more than you are afraid of it." -Bill Cosby
-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=
"Georgia Hotel." There was a man from Georgia staying the night in a hotel. He called the
front desk and said, "Excuse me, sir, I've got a leak in my sink." The man at the front desk replied, "Oh, okay, go ahead."
-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=
Mary was married to a male chauvinist. They both worked full time, but he never did anything around the house and certainly not any housework. That, he declared, was woman's work.
But one evening Mary arrived home from work to find the children bathed, a load of wash in the washing machine and another in the dryer, dinner on the stove and a beautifully set table, complete with flowers.
She was astonished, and she immediately wanted to know what was going on. It turned out that Charley, her husband, had read a magazine article that suggested working wives would be more romantically inclined if they weren't so tired from having to do all the housework in addition to holding down a full-time job.
The next day, she couldn't wait to tell her friends in the office. "How did it work out?" they asked.
"Well, it was a great dinner," Mary said. "Charley even cleaned up, helped the kids with their homework, folded the laundry and put everything away."
"But what about afterward?" her friends wanted to know.
"It didn't work out," Mary said. "Charley was too tired."
-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-
"The philosopher who said that work well done never needs doing over never weeded a garden." -Ray D. Everson
-=--=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=--=
Todd had been quite the ladies man and player all his life, but now that he was getting up there in age, his doctor was getting concerned about him.
"Todd," advised the doctor, "I can add 15 more years to your life if you will just quit your old routine of wine, women, and song."
Todd thought for a few minutes, then said, "Tell you what doc, I'll settle for five more years and just give up singing."
-- Have a magic day and pass it on. Magic Mike http://funandmagic.com/
Make $10-$20/hr., work at home http://homework4s.com/ 3 cents/min. phone. http://longdist.net/?phon4less High speed dial-up for free! Highspeedinfo
Subject: big scientific ball thing in a cave, "Canhead", The Indescribeable Nth", Planet Proctor Date: Tue, 27 Feb 2001 00:30:24 -0800 From: Magic Mike Berger <mmb Organization: http://funandmagic.com http:ld.net/?phon4less To: you
Hi, A big scientific ball thing in a cave, looking at the Stars is my choice for your surfing and interest. It is looking at neutrinos. You can look at it by going to my Photo Link of the Day. Also see new recipes for Pizza Quiche and Light Nutty Apple Brownies. http://funandmagic.com/ . "Canhead" , a clay animation, earned an Oscar nomination for Best Animated Short in 1997. It's cute http://www.atomfilms.com/default.asp?film_id=57 . Oscar nominee, Oscar Moore is responsible for "The Indescribable Nth". "From the moment poor shopkeeper Scott discovers an abandoned baby on his front doorstep, he knows this is no ordinary child. Baby Eric's heart is magically encased inside a glass dome; one gentle shake of the dome fills Eric with an indescribably joyous feeling. Scott endeavors to protect Eric's heart from childhood pitfalls and curious dogs, but as his son grows, Scott realizes there is one influence beyond his control.women. " Planet Proctor transits our path today. Look for the release of The Firesign Theater's 25th Anniversary Reunion Tour to be out in the near distant future, in a near future alternate Universe.
Not all chemicals are bad. Without chemicals such as hydrogen and oxygen, for example, there would be no way to make water, a vital ingredient in beer. - Dave Barry
-=-=-=---=-=
King Henry VIII was the first king to be addressed "Your Majesty".
Pablo Picasso, one of whose paintings sold for $3,000,000, was so poor early in his career that he burned some of his drawings to keep warm.
Marco Polo (1254-1324), the Venetian explorer of China, who was taken prisoner when he went to war against Genoa in a ship fitted out at his own expense wrote a book about his journeys while he was a captive that was so widely acclaimed that his captors gave him his freedom.
-=--=-=--=-=-=
My wife asked me to buy ORGANIC vegetables from the market. I went and looked around and couldn't find any.
So I grabbed an old, tired looking employee and said, "These vegetables are for my wife. Have they been sprayed with any poisonous chemicals?"
"The produce guy looked at me and said, "No. You'll have to do that yourself."
-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=
A man phoned his doctor late at night saying his wife appeared to have appendicitis.
"That's impossible," the physician replied, peeved at being woken up. "She had an appendectomy last year. Don't be stupid. Only a moron would wake me up for something this idiotic. Have you ever seen anybody with a
second appendix?"
"No, asshole!!!", the husband replied. "Have you ever seen anybody with a second wife?
-=-=-=-=-=-=--=-=-=
When a blonde finally got married her husband bought her one of those fancy, electric coffee makers. It had all the latest gadgets on it. Salesman Rile carefully explained how everything worked, how to plug it in, set the timer, go back to bed, "...and upon rising the coffee is ready!"
A few weeks later the blonde wife was back in the store and Riley asked her how she liked the coffee maker.
"Wonderful!" she replied, "However, there's one thing I don't understand. Why do I have to go to bed every time I want to make a pot of coffee?"
-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=
What do you call a blonde in an institution of higher learning? A visitor
There's a blonde driving on a highway next to a cornfield. She sees another blonde rowing a rowboat in the cornfield next to her. The blonde driver gets out and yells at the blonde in the corn field, "You're the kind of blonde's that makes other blondes look dumb. If I could swim out there to you, I'd kick your ass!"
---=-=-=-=-=-=-=
This is a true story.
My 3 year old daughter was visiting my office one day when she wandered into the bosses office. She propped herself on a chair and looked inquisitively at him. She could not help but notice the top of his head was balding. "Mr. Hayes," she asked innocently, "do you have a comb?"
"Why yes Victoria, I do," he replied... to which she challenged, "WHY?"
-=-=-=-=-=-=-=
Grading of Finals
This is a list of the ways that my professors grade their final exams:
Dept. Of Statistics: All grades are plotted along the normal bell curve.
Dept. Of Psychology: Students are asked to blot ink in their exam books, close them and turn them in. The professor opens the books and assigns the first grade that comes to mind.
Dept. Of History: All students get the same grade they got last year.
Dept. Of Religion: Grade is determined by God.
Dept. Of Philosophy: What is a grade?
English Department: Your final exam will be scored by totaling the weight of all the books you read this semester: 40+ pounds - A 30 pounds - B 20 pounds - C 10 pounds - D <10 pounds - F
Law School: Students are asked to defend their position of why they should receive an A.
Department Of Mathematics: Grades are variable.
Department Of Physics: Grades are relative. But . . . all theoretical physics is really mathematics. See Above.
Department Of Chemistry: All theoretical chemistry is really physics. See Above.
Department Of Biology: All theoretical biology is really chemistry. See Above.
Department Of Logic: If and only if the student is present for the final and the student has accumulated a passing grade then the student will pass the class else the student will not pass the class.
Department Of Marxist Studies: The history of all hitherto existing society is the history of class struggles. Therefore, everyone will now get the same grade!
Department Of Economics: All of your grades, as a collection, will reach the level where your marginal product (MP) of labor for each individual grade is equal.
Department Of Operations & Logistics Management: Grades will be posted *at* 12:00 Noon. NOT 11:59 -- NOT 12:01
Department Of Computer Science: Random number generator determines grade, but . . . YOUR grade is an object in a class of its own.
Music Department: Each student must figure out his grade by listening to the instructor play the corresponding note (+ and - would be sharp and flat respectively).
-=-=-=-=---=-=-=
Subject: PP 2001.04 Date: Fri, 23 Feb 2001 21:12:34 -0500 From: phil proctor
(((((((((((((((((((( PLANET PROCTOR 2001.04 - http://www.planetproctor.com
"He toi whakairo, he mana tangata." Where there is artistic excellence, there -- is human dignity. - Maori proverb
IT'S OVER The Antaean Classical Valentine's Fundraiser at the fabulous El Portal is now history, and in spite of a close call with the caterers, inclimate weather and a last-minute promotion, a grand time was had by all, performers and public alike. Thanks particularly go to Dakin Matthews for his Herculean efforts at mounting this imposing event, and to his amiable co-host Larry Pressman for moving the evening along in grand style. Highlights included Harry Groener's hysterical rendition of Noel
Coward's "Don't Put Your Daughter on the Stage", recognition of the philanthropic work of Dr. Barry Kohn, and a moving tribute to our late colleagues David Dukes and David Byrd. The Firesign Theatre was proud to be included in this evening of so many stars, and my love goes to all who gave so generously of their time
and talents to make the evening a success -- particularly our musical maestro, the gifted Jan Powell, and our technically talented Texan, Terry Evans who proved once again that he knows how to handle the bull. Now that we know what we can do on short notice -- just wait until next
year! "We build up our military, we spend time on health care and there are
many other worthy causes; but undeniably history will pronounce its judgement on us based on our arts and literature." - Antaen and Ovation Award winner, Douglas Sills JACKSON SPEAKS Due to the great consternation caused by the revelation of my act of procreation, I accept my obligation to give an explanation to the population for my act of copulation. I gave in to temptation, for the anticipation of sexual gratification, that I could not obtain through masturbation, resulted in my fornication. I accepted her invitation, and provided her with excitation, stimulation, penetration, replication, and liberation. She provided lubrication (to avoid inflammation) and I wore condoms to avoid contamination. She cried for duplication but I insisted upon termination, in spite her fascination with variation. This has caused me great aggravation, and the agitation and provocation of the media has resulted in my humiliation, denigration, and degradation. My wife is considering castration, which would require my hospitalization. Pray that this matter will find culmination in my sanctification and rehabilitation so that my plans for nomination to my ultimate vocation will not result in revocation and termination. I hope this proclamation has provided illumination and verification and will prohibit further provocation. Sincerely, The Rev. Jesse Jackson (From Take A Break)
"Moms have Mother's Day, Fathers have Father's Day, so what do single guys have? Palm Sunday." - Source regrettably lost
BUT, MOM... * Mona Lisa's Mother: "After all that money your father and I spent on braces, that's the biggest smile you can give us?" * Columbus' Mother: "I don't care what you discovered -- you could have written!" * Michelangelo's Mother: "Can't you paint on walls like other children? Do you have any idea how hard it is to get that stuff off the ceiling?" * Napoleon's Mother: "All right, if you aren't hiding your report card inside your jacket, take your hand out and show me." * Lincoln's Mother: "Again with the stovepipe hat? Can't you just wear a cap like the other kids?" * Mary's Mother: "I'm not upset that your lamb followed you to school, but I'd like to know how he got a better grade than you." * Einstein's Mother: "But it's your senior picture. Can't you do something about your hair?" * Washington's Mother: "The next time I catch you throwing money across the Potomac, you can kiss your allowance good-bye!" * Jonah's Mother: "Now tell me where you've really been for the last 40 years." * Paul Revere's Mother: "I don't care where you think you have to go, young man, midnight is past your curfew." * Edison's Mother: "Of course I'm proud that you invented the electric light bulb. Now turn it off and get to bed!" (From Aleta Braxton O'Brien)
"Space aliens" - The way many contemporary Japanese refer to their kids.
THE UNHOLY TRINITY 1. Jews do not recognize Jesus as the Messiah. 2. Protestants do not recognize the Pope as the leader of the Christian faith. 3. Baptists do not recognize each other in the liquor store or at Hooters. (Ivan's Jokes)
"Every gun that is made, every rocket that is fired signifies in the final sense, a theft from those who hunger and are not fed, those who are cold and not clothed." - Dwight David Eisenhower
HANNIBAL LECTER FOR SURGEON GENERAL In a bi-partisan move, President Bush nominated Dr. Hannibal Lecter as his Candidate for US Surgeon General. "I think Dr. Lecter will serve with pride, fava beans, and a nice Chianti," Bush announced. In another announcement, Special Agent Clarice Starling will become the new FBI director. She's expected to work closely with the new Surgeon General on a case concerning missing former Vice President Al Gore who disappeared in early January after a meeting with the Doctor set up by the new President. Lecter noted that he "enjoyed having Gore for dinner," but was upset at how Gore -- or rather, the *subject* of Gore -- kept coming up.
"I'm sick to my stomach over this," he said. President Bush didn't seem concerned with the disappearance of his ex-rival for the office. "I think it's all crap, don't you?" he observed. (From Ivan's Jokes)
"GORE WINS! announces The Chicago Tribune's article on the movie 'Hannibal' and its first-place finish at the weekend box office." - Thanks to Jon Delfin
CANNIBAL LECTURE Southern California hosts a chain of stores called "Lechter's" with sells, mainly . . . kitchen supplies; but the REAL Hannibal Lecter chose
his victims and his preparation of them with great care. For example, Dr. Lecter always started off his morning with a cup of Joe. Herb was ground up to flavor other victims, especially Tom, who tasted like turkey and Joey who reminded him of young kangaroo meat. Then there was the victim from Monterey whom the Doctor stuffed with cheese -
Jack; while another of his victims was obese, so it took Hannibal a while to eat his Phil. Frank had very little taste, so Hannibal ground him up and stuffed him into the skin of other victims, but he loved the wealthy Spanish baron, (whom he savored with a glass of fine champagne), Dom. (Adapted from material at originallyfunny@earthlink.net from Steve Shaw)
"They misunderestimate me. I am a pitbull on the pant leg of opportunity. I know that the human being and the fish can coexist." - G.W. Bush
WHAT DID YOU SAY, DEAR? A husband and wife were at a party chatting with some friends when the subject of marriage counseling came up. "Oh, we'll never need that. My wife and I have a great relationship," the husband explained. "She was a communications major in college and I majored in theater arts. She communicates real well, and I just act like I'm listening." (From Patty Paul)
"You're not telling a lie; you're trying an idea on for size." - Dr. David Walker, the Science of Mind Church
DOG/GOD Dear God, Is it true that dogs are not allowed in restaurants because we can't make up our minds what NOT to order? Or is it the carpets again? The new terrier I live with just peed on the Oriental rug and I have a feeling my family might blame me 'cuz they think I'm jealous of this stupid dog.
Since they have no sense of smell, how can I convince them I'm innocent? (Does PetsMart sell lie detectors?) How come people love to smell flowers, but seldom, if ever, smell one another? Where are their priorities? Excuse me, but why are there cars named after the jaguar, the cougar, the mustang, the colt, the stingray, and the rabbit, but not one
named for a dog? How often do you see a cougar riding around? We dogs love a nice ride! I know every breed can't have its own model, but couldn't they rename the Chrysler Eagle the Chrysler Beagle? If a dog barks his head off in the forest and no human hears him, is he still a bad dog? Are there dogs on other planets, or are we alone? I have been howling at the moon and stars for a long time, but all I ever hear back is the beagle across the street. When we get to Heaven, can we sit on your couch or is it the same old story; and if we come back as humans -- is that good or bad? (From Patty Paul)
"Council has approved plans to convert the former Conservative Club into a unit for the mentally ill." -from Grauniad, U.K.
A WOMAN'S BEDTIME PRAYER Now I lay me down to sleep, I pray for a man, who's not a creep. One who's handsome, smart and strong, Who's not afraid to admit he's wrong. One who thinks before he speaks. And if he says he'll call, doesn't wait 6 weeks. I pray that he is gainfully employed, Won't lose his cool when he's annoyed. Pulls out my chair & opens my door, Massages my back & begs to do more. Oh! Send me a man who will make love to my mind; Knows just what to say when I ask -- "How fat is my behind?" One who'll make love till my body's a twitchin', Who brings ME a sandwich, too, when he goes to the kitchen! I pray that this man will love me no end, And would never compare me with my best girlfriend. I thank You in advance and now I'll just wait, For I just know You will send him before it's too late. Amen
"Valentine's Day and Condom Day are celebrated on the same date." - Phil's Funny Facts
A MAN'S BEDTIME PRAYER As I lay me down to sleep I pray for a woman who's really cheap. One who's sexy, blonde and long, And's not loath to admit she's mostly wrong; One who goes down and doesn't speak (And promises to do so, once a week). I pray that she is very randy, 'Cause one like that would come in handy -- Who begs for it (even on the floor), And once I'm done, just begs for more. Oh! Send me a woman who won't play with my mind; Who knows what she wants (and that's lots from behind)! One who'll make love till my body's a twitchin' And bring me a beer, when she comes from the kitchen! I pray that she'll last right up to the end, And would never complain when I do her best friend. Thanks in advance and you know I can't wait, So I'll **** all the rest 'cause it's never too late. A man
"A glass of beer garnished with an olive is known as a 'poor man's martini.'" - Daniel R. White, "The Martini", Ariel Books
GAMES FOR OLD BOYS 1. Sag, you're it! 2. Pin the Toupee on the bald guy. 3. 20 questions shouted into your good ear. 4. Kick the Bucket. 5. Red Rover, Red Rover, the Nurse says Bend Over. 6. Doctor Goose. 7. Simon says something incoherent. 8. Hide and Go Pee. 9. Spin the Bottle of Mylanta. 10. Musical Recliners.
"In Indiana, we don't ever know what time it is." - Goshen's Audre Proctor
THEY'RE DROPPING LIKE FLIES! Among many others, we've recently lost Koch, Kramer, Dale Evans,
Dale Earnhardt and Charles Trenet, "Le Fou Chantant" who said, "I will go on singing until I see people running for the exits." But the most personal loss to me and many of my readers, was our
dear Lewis Arquette, the result of a gene-and-tonic from the exploring team of "Lewis" and Clark and the vaudeville team of Arquette and Clark, "The
Funny Hebrew and the Singing Soubrette", son of the beloved "Charley Weaver" and sire of Rosanna, Richmond, Patricia, Alexis and David. Lewis was a true master of improvisational arts, working with the Committee and Viola Spolin and her son Paul Sills in his "Story Theatre", with whom I had the pleasure of appearing in a Mark Taper Anniversary performance. Planeteer Danny Mann writes, "All of the Spolin Players prided themselves on their vocal mimicry of Lewis. It was our highest form of flattery. As Viola Spolin might have said -- "Feel him in the space."
"A creative-writing class was asked to write a concise essay containing religion, royalty, sex and mystery. The prize-winning essay read: 'My God,' said the Queen, 'I'm pregnant. I wonder who did it?'" (From Jack Angel)
GO SEE... "Who's Your Daddy" by writer/performer Craig Shoemaker and directed by Antaen John Achorn at the Coronet Studio Theatre on Tuesday/Wednesday
til Feb 28th: (310) 657-7377; "Relativity" with Melinda Peterson til March 3rd: (818) 842-4755; and Joe and Paul's "Recess" with PP as a scientist gone baaad!
+++++++++++(FEBRUARY 22, 2001)++++++++++ * FIRESIGN SITE: www.firesigntheatre.com * FIRESIGN PRODUCT: www.lodestone-media.com * FUNNY TIMES: www.funnytimes.com -- Have a magic day and pass it on. Magic Mike http://funandmagic.com/
Subject: Mt. Rundle, "Womb Wars", 11 recipes, Cola facts, dollars facts Date: Fri, 23 Feb 2001 12:43:46 -0800 From: Magic Mike Berger <mmb Organization: http://funandmagic.com http:ld.net/?phon4less To: you
Hi, Stop by Magic Mike's Photo Links and surf over to see Mt. Rundle at dawn. http://funandmagic.com/photolinks2.htm On my Recipe page http://funandmagic.com/recipes.html Mud Pie Strawberry Bread Crockpot Pork Roast No Fat "Fried" Chicken Chicken Paprika King Ranch Chicken Spaghetti Salad Chicken Casserole Hash Brown Casserole Muffin Bread Pudding Jarlsberg Oven Omelet
This is an extremely funny and well done animation. "One day, Luke Skywalker's son asked him about the birds and the bees...and the rest is Womb Wars." http://www.atomfilms.com/default.asp?film_id=1369 Don't forget, it defaults at 300k. If that is too fast for you, scroll down from 300k for lower speeds, down to 28.8k
Need clip art for your site? <A HREF="http://desktoppublishing.com/cliplist.html" http://desktoppublishing.com/cliplist.html</A
You know you're Italian when....
1. You're 6'4", can benchpress 325 pounds, shave twice a day, but you still cry when your mother yells at you.
2. You carry your lunch in a produce bag because you can't fit 2 mortadell "sangwiches", 4 oranges and 3 bananas into a regular paper lunch bag.
3. Your father owns 5 houses, has $300,000 in the bank, but still drives
a 76 Monte Carlo.
4. You share a bathroom with your 5 siblings, have no money, but drive a
$45,000 Camaro.
5. Your mechanic, plumber, electrician, accountant and travel agent are all blood relatives.
6. You consider dunking a pack of Stella D'Oro "S" cookies in milk a nutritious breakfast.
7. You live in a 900 square foot bungalow, but still have 2 kitchens one
in the basement).
8. Your 2 best friends are your cousin and brother-in-law's brother-in-law.
9. You are a card-carrying VIP at more than 3 dance clubs.
10. You have at least 5 cousins living on your street. All 5 of those cousins are named after your grandfather or grandmother.
11. In some capacity, there is a dump truck in your life.
12. A high school diploma and 1 year of community college has earned you
the title of "Professore" among your aunts.
13. You are on a first name basis with at least 8 banquet hall owners.
14. You only get one good shave from a disposable razor.
15. If someone in your family grows beyond 5' 6", it is presumed his mother had an affair.
16. There are more than 28 people in your bridal party.
17. You netted more than $50,000 on your first communion.
18. Your parents still say "Pronto" when answering the phone 30 years after immigrating.
-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-
Bartender: I think you've had enough sir.
Drunk: I just lost my wife, buddy..
Bartender: Well, it must be hard losing a wife...
Drunk: It was almost impossible.
-=-=-=-=-=--=-=-=-
Veterinarian's Office sign: "All unattended children will be given a free kitten"
Plumber's Shop: "We repair what your husband fixed."
Pizza Shop slogan: "7 days without pizza makes one weak."
At a tire shop in Milwaukee: "Invite us to your next blowout."
Door of a Plastic Surgeon's Office: "Let us help pick your nose."
Sign at the Psychic's Hotline: "Don't call us, we'll call you."
At a Towing Company: "We don't charge an arm and a leg. We want tows."
On an Electrician's Business: "Let us remove your shorts."
In a Veterinarian's Office: "Be back in 5 minutes, Sit! Stay!"
In a Nonsmoking Area: "If we see smoking we will assume you are on fire and take appropriate action."
On Maternity Room Door: "Push, Push, Push."
At an Optometrist's Office: "If you don't see what your looking for you've come to the right place."
On a Taxidermist's window: "We really know our stuff."
In a Podiatrist's Office: "Time wounds all heels."
On a fence: "Salesmen Welcome: Dog food is expensive."
Outside a Muffler Shop: "No appointment necessary, we'll hear you coming."
In the front yard of a Funeral Home: "Drive carefully, we'll wait."
Lot outside Veterinarian's Office: "Parking for Customers Only, all others will be Neutered."
-=-=-=-=-=-=-=--=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=
A man in the pub orders a beer. He gets it and begins to drink it and notices the beer is kind of warm. so he mentions something to the bartender, who tells him to shut up and just drink his beer. Then it it's time to pay and instead of giving three $1 dollar bills to the bartender, the guy throws 30 dimes behind the counter. The bartender is upset and is on his hands and knees collecting change as the guy leaves.
The next day the man is back and he comes in waiving a $5 dollar bill. The bartender thinks: "Okay, business is business" and lets him in. Again, The beer is kind of warm, but the guy doesn't say anything.
Comes time to pay, the man gives him the $5 bill. The bartender goes To the register to get the change, but instead of taking out two $1 dollar bills, he takes out 20 dimes and throws them all around the entire pub. The bartender says: "There is your bloody change!"
The man looks around and remains quite calm. He takes out 10 dimes, throws them behind the counter and says: "Gimme another beer!"
-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=
-
COKE No wonder coke tastes soooo good:
1. In many states (in the USA) the highway patrol carries two gallons of Coke in the truck to remove blood from the highway after a car accident.
2. You can put a T-bone steak in a bowl of coke and it will be gone in two days.
3. To clean a toilet: Pour a can of Coca-Cola into the toilet bowl and .......Let the "real thing" sit for one hour, then flush clean. The citric acid in Coke removes stains from vitreous china.
4. To remove rust spots from chrome car bumpers: Rub the bumper with a crumpled piece of Reynolds Wrap aluminum foil dipped in Coca-Cola.
5. To clean corrosion from car battery terminals: Pour a can of Coca-Cola over the terminals to bubble away the corrosion.
6. To loosen a rusted bolt: Applying a cloth soaked in Coca-Cola to the rusted bolt for several minutes.
7. To bake a moist ham: Empty a can of Coca-Cola into the baking pan, wrap the ham in aluminum foil, and bake. Thirty minutes before the ham is finished, Remove the foil, allowing the drippings to mix with the Coke for a sumptuous brown gravy.
8. To remove grease from clothes: Empty a can of coke into a load of greasy clothes, add detergent, And run through a regular cycle. The Coca-Cola will help loosen grease stains. It will also clean road haze from your windshield.
FYI: 1. The active ingredient in Coke is phosphoric acid. Its Ph is 2.8. It will dissolve a nail in about 4 days.
2. To carry Coca-Cola syrup (the concentrate) the commercial truck must use the Hazardous material place cards reserved for Highly corrosive materials.
3. The distributors of coke have been using it to clean the engines of their trucks for about 20 years!
Still Want To Drink Up?
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Take out a one dollar bill and look at it.
The one dollar bill you're looking at first came off the presses in 1957 in its present design. This so-called paper money is in fact a cotton and linen blend, with red and blue minute silk fibers running through it. It is actually material. We've all washed it without it falling apart. A special blend of ink is used, the contents we will never know. It is overprinted with symbols and then it is starched to make it water resistant and pressed to give it that nice crisp look. If you look on the front of the bill, you will see the United States Treasury Seal. On the top you will see the scales for the balance-a balanced budget. In the center you have a carpenter's T-square, a tool used for an even cut. Underneath is the Key to the United States Treasury. That's all pretty easy to figure out, but what is on the back of that dollar bill is something we should all know. If you turn the bill over, you will see two circles. Both circles, together, comprise the Great Seal of the United States. The First Continental Congress requested that Benjamin Franklin and a group of men come up with a Seal. It took them four years to accomplish this task and another two years to get it approved. If you look at the left hand circle, you will see a Pyramid. Notice the face is lighted and the western side is dark. This country was just beginning. We had not begun to explore the West or decided what we could do for Western Civilization. The Pyramid is un-capped, again signifying that we were not even close to being finished. Inside the capstone you have the all-seeing eye, and ancient symbol for divinity. It was Franklin's belief that one man couldn't do it alone, but a group of men, with the help of God, could do anything. "IN GOD WE TRUST" is on this currency. The Latin above the pyramid, ANNUIT COEPTIS, means "God has favored our undertaking." The Latin below the pyramid, NOVUS ORDO SECLORUM, means "a new order has begun." At the base of the pyramid is the Roman Numeral for 1776. If you look at the right-hand circle, and check it carefully, you will learn that it is on every National Cemetery in the United States. It is also on the Parade of Flags Walkway at the Bushnell, Florida National Cemetery and is the centerpiece of most hero's monuments. Slightly modified, it is the seal of the President of the United States and it is always visible whenever he speaks, yet no one knows what the symbols mean. The Bald Eagle was selected as a symbol for victory for two reasons: first, he is not afraid of a storm; he is strong and he is smart enough to soar above it. Secondly, he wears no material crown. We had just broken from the King of England. Also, notice the shield is unsupported. This country can now stand on its own. At the top of that shield you have a white bar signifying congress, a unifying factor. We were coming together as one nation. In the Eagle's beak you will read, "E PLURIBUS UNUM", meaning "one nation from many people." Above the Eagle you have thirteen stars representing the thirteen original colonies, and any clouds of misunderstanding rolling away. Again, we were coming together as one. Notice what the Eagle holds in his talons. He holds an olive branch and arrows. This country wants peace, but we will never be afraid to fight to preserve peace. The Eagle always wants to face the olive branch, but in time of war, his gaze turns toward the arrows. They say that the number 13 is an unlucky number. This is almost a worldwide belief. You will usually never see a room numbered 13, or any hotels or motels with a 13th floor. But, think about this: 13 original colonies, 13 signers of the Declaration of Independence, 13 stripes on our flag, 13 steps on the Pyramid, 13 letters in the Latin above, 13 letters in "E Pluribus Unum", 13 stars above the Eagle, 13 plumes of feathers on each span of the Eagle's wing, 13 bars on that shield, 13 leaves on the olive branch, 13 fruits, and if you look closely, 13 arrows. And for minorities: the 13th Amendment. I always ask people, "Why don't you know this?" Your children don't know this and their history teachers don't know this. Too may veterans have given up too much to ever let the meaning fade. Many veterans remember coming home to an America that didn't care. Too many veterans never came home at all.
-- Have a magic day and pass it on. Magic Mike http://funandmagic.com/
Subject: Barred Owl, Scallops with Mint and Chives, Three very good 5 minute streamers Date: Thu, 22 Feb 2001 12:37:14 -0800 From: Magic Mike Berger <mmb Organization: http://funandmagic.com http:ld.net/?phon4less To: you
Hi, Today's Photo Links is a Barred Owl, taking a break from munching on grasshoppers. Perhaps YOU would rather eat Scallops with Mint and Chives and Banana Pudding Dessert. from my Recipe Page. http://funandmagic.com/ . Three very good 5 minute streaming movies from Atom: "25 Ways To Stop Smoking" offers creative smoking "cures" such as - wear a heat seeking missile hat, hire a sumo wrestler to jump on your head,http://www.atomfilms.com/default.asp?film_id=304 "Plug" - Drama in Dream World http://www.atomfilms.com/default.asp?film_id=53 "Oops!" - It's a 4 minute action thriller from Australia. http://www.atomfilms.com/default.asp?film_id=1078
"Life is like a game of tennis; the player who serves well seldom loses." -Unknown
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"Girls Night Out"
So ... the other day, my friends and I went to this "Ladies Night Club." One of the girls wanted to impress us, so she pulls out a $10 bill. The "dancer" came over to us, and my friend licked the $10 and put it on his butt cheek.
Not to be outdone, another friend pulls out a $20 bill. She calls the guy back over, licks the $20 bill and puts it on his other butt cheek. Still attempting to impress the rest of us, my other friend pulls out a $50 bill. She calls the guy back over again, licks the $50 bill and again puts it on one of his butt cheeks.
Now the attention is focused on me. What could I do to top that? I got out my wallet, thought for a minute ... and then the financial analyst in me took over. I got out my ATM card, swiped it down the crack of his ass, grabbed the $80 bucks and went home.
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Sam Goldstein walks into a bar, sits down, and says "a shot of vodka, and keep em coming"
"Wow," the bartender says. "rough day?"
"Yeah, I just found out my son is gay." So, he gets drunk and leaves.
A few days later he comes back and repeats the order.
"Another bad day?" says the bartender.
"Yeah, l just found out my brother's gay." Once again, he gets drunk and leaves.
The next day he comes in already drunk, and repeats his usual order. The bartender explodes, yelling "DOESN'T ANYBODY IN YOUR FAMILY LIKE WOMEN!!?"
"Yeah" the guy says. "my wife"
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do men define a "50/50" relationship? We cook-they eat; we clean-they dirty; we iron-they wrinkle.
How do men exercise on the beach? By sucking in their stomachs every time they see a bikini.
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A man walks into a friend and sees that his friend's car is total loss and covered with leaves, grass, branches, dirt and blood. He asks his friend, "What's happened to your car?"
"Well," the friend responses, "I ran into a lawyer".
"OK," says the man, "that explains the blood . . . but what about the leaves, the grass, the branches and the dirt?"
"Well, I had to chase him all through the park."
-- Have a magic day and pass it on. Magic Mike http://funandmagic.com/
Subject: Big Fat Jumbo Rocks Date: Wed, 21 Feb 2001 13:51:13 -0800 From: Magic Mike Berger <mmb Organization: http://funandmagic.com http:ld.net/?phon4less To: you
Hi, Today's Photo Links Choice is "Jumbo Rocks" at Joshua Tree State Park. Many big weird round rocks piled up. New recipes - Spinach Apple Salad, Apple Cobbler Cake, Swedish Creme, Onion Roasted Potatoes http://funandmagic.com/ Here are some movie shorts. Pick your best speed, but if it lags, try a lower speed. The Periwig maker is an award winning dramatic animation about human fears. It has won more awards than I want to list. You'll see them and the film at http://www.atomfilms.com/default.asp?film_id=627 . Jack Lemmon has "Puppies For Sale" in this cute short movie http://www.atomfilms.com/default.asp?film_id=218 . This will spark your day! Make Hillary and Rudy rap and dance between New York skyscrapers in "Godzillary" at http://www.atomfilms.com/default.asp?film_id=1020 .
As he falls through the doorway, his wife snaps at him, "What's the big idea coming home half drunk?"
The man replies, "I'm sorry honey. I ran out of money."
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A man goes into a hamburger stand and orders a burger. The waitress takes out two frozen patties and sticks them under her arms.
The man says "What the hell are you doing?!"
She replies "I'm defrosting them!"
The other guy at the counter says, "In that case, you can cancel my freakin' hotdog!"
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If you speak three languages, you're trilingual. If you speak two languages, you're bilingual. If you speak one language, you're American.
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There is a new, specialized service called "Marriage Anonymous" WOMEN:
When you feel like getting married, you call Marriage Anonymous and they send over a man in a dirty T-shirt who hasn't shaved in three days, smells like stale beer, and whines at you to make him a snack while he lies on the couch, emits various bodily gases and their accompanying noises, and watches football.
MEN:
When you feel like getting married, you call Marriage Anonymous and they send you an overweight woman dressed in a sloppy bathrobe and sporting curlers in her hair. She will have no makeup on, and will harrangue you to pick up your clothes off the floor.
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My wife's an earth sign. I'm a water sign. Together we make mud.
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Why do blondes wear long hair? To hide the air valve.
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A baby boy was just born. He had all his pieces and looked quite normal, except that he was laughing.
I mean laughing real hard.
All the doctors and nurses were examining the little guy, in front of his worried parents, but he kept on laughing -- his tiny fists all closed and tears rolling from his eyes.
A paediatrician unfolded the baby's tiny fingers, one at a time, to check if his hand was all right.
Guess what he found?
The birth control pill.
-- Have a magic day and pass it on. Magic Mike http://funandmagic.com/
Subject: Stars from Suburu, How to use Napster, Cold enough to freeze the .... Date: Tue, 20 Feb 2001 03:43:26 -0800 From: Magic Mike Berger <mmb Organization: http://funandmagic.com http:ld.net/?phon4less To: you
"Shoot for the moon. If you miss, you land among the stars." - Les Brown
Hi, Here's a nice Suburu for you at the Photo Link Of The Day. It's from The Suburu Telescope of the star forming region of S106. Light Orange Cheesecake and Potluck Beef Pockets are the new Recipe Page entries. http://funandmagic.com/ So I tried Napster. You do a search for any artist or title, and it searches the web for people on-line that listed songs that they have to share. A list of all the people who have the artist or song you want shows up and their connection speed, the song length, and file size. You download any you want. My first choice is people who have what I want and have high speed connection. Then you can play it with Media Player or something else. Okay, so WHAT would YOU choose? What would tickle you to hear, if you could find it on the jukebox? MY FIRST search was for Van Morrison. Of the titles that came up I picked "Into The Mystic", "Moondance", and "Wild Night". My second search was for Dave Mason. I picked his early stuff'; Can't Stop Loving, Can'T Stop Worrying", All Along The Watchtower", "World In Changes", "Look At You, Look At Me", and Traffic's "Low Spark Of High Heeled Boys". The last two gave me chills to hear again. Look for them! Hey, write to me what YOU would choose.
Back in the days when every sailing ship had to have cannon for protection: Cannon of the times required round iron cannonballs. The Captain or Master wanted to store the cannonballs such that they could be of instant use when needed, yet not roll around the gun deck. The solution was to stack them up in a square-based pyramid next to the cannon. The top level of the stack had one ball, the next level down had four, the next had nine, the next had sixteen, and so on. Four levels would provide a stack of 30 cannonballs. The only real problem was how to keep the bottom level from sliding out from under the weight of the higher levels. To do this, they devised a small brass plate ("brass monkey") with one rounded indentation for each cannonball in the bottom layer. Brass was used because the cannonballs wouldn't rust to the "brass monkey, "but would rust and stick to an iron one. When temperature falls, brass contracts in size faster than iron. As it got cold on the gun decks, the indentations in the brass monkey would get smaller than the iron cannonballs they were holding. If the temperature got cold enough, the bottom layer would pop out of the now smaller indentations spilling the entire pyramid over the deck. Thus, it was, quite literally, "cold enough to freeze the balls off a brass monkey." A little military trivia that you always thought meant something else.
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Three blondes walk into a building. You'd think one of them would've seen it!
Did you hear about the blonde who had a mind like a steel trap? The only problem was it was closed and there was nothing in it.
A blonde was wearing one of those Medical Alert bracelets. Someone asked her what the bracelet was for. She replied, "I'm allergic to nuts and eggs." The person asked, "Are you allergic to cats?" The blonde said, "I don't know..... I don't eat cats."
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What do you call the sweat produced when two rednecks are having sex? Relative humidity.
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A Doctor recently had a patient "drop" in on him for an unscheduled appointment. "What can I do for you today?" the Doctor asked. The aged Gentleman replied: "Doctor, you must help me. Every time I make love to my wife, my eyes get all bleary, my legs go weak, I can hardly catch my breath.... Doctor, I'm scarred!" The Doctor, looking at his 86 year old patient, said: "Mr. Smith, these sensations tend to happen over time, especially to a man of your advanced years, but tell me, when did you first notice these symptoms?" The old gent's response was: "Well... three times last night, and twice again this morning!"
-- Have a magic day and pass it on. Magic Mike http://funandmagic.com/
Subject: "A Clockwork Maury", "24-Seven", Napster Date: Sun, 18 Feb 2001 05:03:33 -0800 From: Magic Mike Berger <mmb Organization: http://funandmagic.com http:cleanestwater.com http:ld.net/?phon4less To: you
Hi, Here's a lovely bird to visit with today http://funandmagic.com/ . Go to my Photo Page. Today's lip smacking recipe is Orange-Glazed Pork Chops. For those of you that still haven't heard about Napster, it is a free program that searches the web for music that people decide to share. You do a search for anything you want to hear and it finds it. http://www.napster.com/ . I had it find me Van Morrison's "Into The Mystic", a song that's the background music to the flame that dances for this foolish moth. Here is dryer than a martini humor, "A Clockwork Maury". Maury Kubrick, the younger brother of Stanley Kubrick, invites a film crew to make a documentary. http://www.atomfilms.com/default.asp?film_id=1320 See "24-Seven", East Indian storekeepers plot to take over the world while working at a fast food store. http://www.atomfilms.com/default.asp?film_id=952 If you pick Media Player, you have to put up with an ad.
Prisoner: Look here, doctor! You've already removed my spleen, tonsils, adenoids, and one of my kidneys. I only came to see if you could get me out of this place!
Doctor: I am, bit by bit.
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My wife came home from the doctor's the other day and said that he told her she couldn't make love. I've known this for years I want to know how he found out!
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You know it's going to be a tough day when.... Your wife wakes up feeling amorous and YOU have a headache!
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Hubby : You always carry my photo in your handbag to the office.Why?
Wife : When there is a problem, no matter how impossible, I look at your picture and the problem disappears.
Hubby : You see, how miraculous and powerful I am for you?
Wife : Yes, I see your picture and say to myself,
"What other problem can there be greater than this one ?"
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A lady on her first visit to Yellowstone National Park said to her guide,
"Look at all those big rocks. Wherever did they come from?"
"The glaciers brought them down," said the guide.
"But where are the glaciers?"
"The glaciers," said the guide in a weary voice, "have gone back for more rocks."
-- Have a magic day and pass it on. Magic Mike http://funandmagic.com/
Make $10-$20/hr., work at home http://homework4s.com/ 3 cents/min. phone. http://longdist.net/?phon4less High speed dial-up for free! Highspeedinfo
Subject: Star forming region, 12 recipes, movie short, Slang2001, Factoids Date: Fri, 16 Feb 2001 18:23:48 -0800 From: Magic Mike Berger <mmb Organization: http://funandmagic.com http:cleanestwater.com http:ld.net/?phon4less To: you
Hi, Come by http://funandmagic.com/ and see a star forming region in Hubble X.
Also improve your meals with these newly added recipes: CHOCOLATE TIRAMISU WITH TANGERINES Sloppy Joes Salsa! Salsa! Crab Pate' Roast Cornish Hens with Berry Sauce Potato Chocolate Cake Bacon Onion Pie Pineapple Delight Buttermilk Pie Shortbread Cincinnati-Style Chili Cheese Pepper Sour Cream Yeast Bread
Here's a shockwave short movie called, "Cupidity". http://www.atomfilms.com/default.asp?film_id=841 "Answering a want ad in a local paper, a man meets Cupid - supposedly the Cupid - who is getting ready to retire. It seems he needs somebody who has a good heart - and is a good marksman. " If you have trouble with Media Player opening up, try choosing the scroll down option for Real G2.
My first year at Penn State as a Chemical Engineering student was Joe Paterno's first year as head football coach. In the four years I was there he gave us some exciting wins against favored teams.
"Success without honor is an unseasoned dish; it will satisfy your hunger, but it won't taste good." -Joe Paterno
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Bad One Liners
1) "I can't believe I ate that whole pineapple!" Tom said, Dolefully.
2) "That's the last time I'll ever pet a lion," Tom said, offhandedly.
3) "I'll never sleep on the railroad tracks again!" Tom said, beside himself.
4) "That's the third electric shock I've gotten this week!" Tom said, revolted.
5) "I'm never anywhere on time," Tom related.
6) "I won't let a flat tire get me down," Tom said, without despair.
7) "That car you sold me has defective steering!" Tom said, straightforwardly.
8) "I've been on a diet," Tom expounded.
9) "I'll have to send that telegram again," Tom said, remorsefully.
10) "I keep banging my head on things," Tom said, bashfully.
11) "Look at that jailbird climb down that wall," Tom observed with condescension.
12) "I remember the Midwest being flatter than this," Tom explained.
13) "That's the third time my teacher changed my grade," Tom remarked.
14) "I'll have to dig another ditch around that castle," Tom sighed, remotely.
15) "I've lived through a lot of windstorms," Tom regaled.
16) "I haven't caught a fish all day!" Tom said, without debate.
17) "That mink coat is on wrong side out," Tom inferred.
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The Official Slang Dictionary for 2001.....
Bone of Contention: A hard-on that causes an argument. e.g. one that arises when a man is watching Olympic beach volleyball on TV with his girlfriend.
Breaking the Seal: Your 1st piss in the pub, usually after 2 hours of drinking. After breaking the seal of your bladder, repeat visits to the toilet will be required every 10 or 15 minutes for the rest of the night.
Cliterature: 1-handed reading material.
Cock-A-Doodle-Poo: The bowel movement that, needing to come out urgently, wakes you up in the morning to get to the toilet quick.
Etch-A-Sketch: Trying to draw a smile on a woman's face by twiddling both of her nipples simultaneously.
Flogging On: Surfing the Internet for some left-handed websites.
Frigmarole: Unnecessarily time-consuming foreplay.
FuckShitFuckShitFuckShit: The sound made when driving through too narrow a gap at too high a speed.
Going For a McShit: Entering a fast food restaurant with no intention of buying food, you're just going to the bog. If challenged by a pimply staff member, your declaration to them that you'll buy their food afterwards is a McShit With Lies.
Hand-to-Gland Combat: A vigorous masturbation session.
Mystery Bus: The bus that arrives at the pub on Friday night while you're in the toilet after your 10th pint, and whisks away all the unattractive people so the pub is suddenly packed with stunners when you come back in.
10-Pinter: Someone that you'd only chat up after drinking at least 10 pints.
NBR: No Beers Required. Someone that you'd chat up instantly in the pub. The opposite of a 10-Pinter.
2-Bagger: Someone that you'd need 2 paper bags to have sex with. (1 to cover their head, and 1 to cover yours, in case their bag falls off.)
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A woman was thinking about finding a pet to help keep her company at home. She decided she would like to find a beautiful parrot. It wouldn't be as much work as a dog, and it would be fun to hear it speak.
She went to a pet shop and immediately spotted a large beautiful parrot.
There was a sign on the cage that said $50.00. "Why so little?" she asked the pet store owner.
The owner looked at her and said, "Look, I should tell you first that this bird used to live in a house of prostitution, and sometimes it says some pretty vulgar stuff."
The woman thought about this, but decided she had to have the bird anyway. She took it home and hung the bird's cage up in her living room and waited for it to say something.
The bird looked around the room, then at her, and said, "New house, new madam."
The woman was a bit shocked at the implication, but then thought "that's not so bad." When her two teenage daughters returned from school the bird saw them and said, "New house, new madam, new girls."
The girls and the woman were a bit offended but then began to laugh about the situation. Moments later, the woman's husband, Keith, came home from work. The bird looked at him and said, "Hi Keith!"
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It's Viagra A woman asks her husband if he'd like some breakfast. "Would you like bacon and eggs, perhaps? A slice of toast? Grapefruit and coffee to follow?" she asks.
He declines. "It's this Viagra," he says, "It's really taken the edge off my appetite."
At lunchtime, she asks if he would like something. "A bowl of homemade soup, homemade muffins or a cheese sandwich?" she inquires.
He declines. "It's this Viagra," he says, "It's really taken the edge off my appetite."
Come dinnertime, she asks if he wants anything to eat. She'll go to the store and buy him some food. Would he like maybe a steak and apple pie?
Maybe he'd like a pizza microwaved or a tasty stir-fry that would only take a couple of minutes?
He declines. "It's this Viagra," he says, "It's really taken the edge off my appetite."
"Well," she says, "Would you mind getting off me? I'm starving."
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This is long...consider it bathroom reading material...not bad though
Many hamsters blink one eye at a time. The inventor of the flushing toilet was Thomas Crapper. The average bed is home to over 6 billion dust mites. Plastic lawn flamingos outnumber real flamingos in the U.S.A Whitby, Ontario has more donut stores per capita than any other place the world.
Starfish have no brain. Dolphins sleep with one eye open. Ernest Vincent Wright wrote a novel with over 50,000 words, none of which containing the letter "E". Bulls are color blind. Apples are more effective at keeping people awake in the morning than caffeine. A can of SPAM is opened every 4 seconds. "Babe" was played by over 48 pigs. Mosquitoes have 47 teeth. Lip stick contains fish scales. Ants never sleep. The Poison Arrow frog has enough poison to kill 2200 people. The largest pumpkin weighed 377 lbs. The largest cabbage weighed 144 lbs. The largest known kidney stone weighed 1.36 kilograms. Kidney stones come in any color from yellow to brown. Women blink twice as many times as men do. The McDonalds at the SkyDome in Toronto, Ontario is the only one in the world that sells hot dogs. A bowling pin only has to tilt 7.5 degrees in order to fall down. The first episode of Leave It To Beaver aired on October 4, 1957. Beaver Cleaver's locker number is 9. The first flushing toilet seen on TV was on Leave It To Beaver. Jerry Seinfeld's apartment number (on the show) is 5A. In the old episodes it was 3A. The life span of a taste bud is ten days. The shortest commercial ever was only 4 frames of a second. Pi has been calculated to 2,260,321,363 digits. The billionth digit in Pi is 9. The first 100 numbers of Pi are: 3.1415926535897932384626433832795028841971693993751058209749445 923078164062862089986280348253421170679. A stretched out Slinky is 87 feet long. The hundred billionth Crayola crayon was Perriwinkle Blue. Dr.Seuss pronounced "Seuss" so it rhymed with "rejoice". Babies are born without knee caps. They appear when the child is 2-6 years of age. An iguana can stay under water for 28 minutes. Emus can't walk backwards. A group of unicorns is called a blessing. A group of kangaroos is called a mob. A group of whales is called a pod. A group of geese is called a gaggle. A group of owls is called a parliament. A group of ravens is called a murder. A group of bears is called a sleuth. 12 or more cows is called a flink. A baby oyster is called a spat. The longest recorded flight of a chicken is 13 seconds. Chickens can't swallow while they are upside down. In the October 22, 1945 edition of Life magazine there was a picture of a chicken with its head cut off. It was alive too! The average garden variety caterpillar has 248 muscles in its head. A goldfish has a memory span of 3 seconds. Pinocchio was made of pine. A mule won't sink in quicksand but a donkey will. More people are killed annually by donkeys than in airplane crashes. Alfred Hitchcock had no belly button for it was eliminated during surgery. There are 22 stars in the Paramount logo. The average human produces 10,000 gallons of saliva in a lifetime. A quarter has 119 grooves around the edge. A dime has 118 ridges around the edge. Cranberry Jell-0 is the only kind that contains real fruit. The plastic things on the end of shoelaces are called aglets. Every time you lick a stamp you consume 1/10 of a calorie. The pound sign # is called anoctothorpe. Maine is the toothpick capital of the world. New Jersey has a spoon museum with over 5,400 spoons from almost all the states. There was once a town in West Virginia called "6". Singapore only has one train station. The parking meter was invented in North Dakota. Napolean made his battle plans in a sandbox. Roman Emperor Caligula made his horse a senator. The green stuff on the occasional freak potatoe chip is chlorophyll. If you ate too many carrots you would turn orange. Pluto's orbit crosses Neptune's making Pluto the eighth planet from the sun. It has been that way since 1979 and will remain that way until 1999. The earth is approx. 6,588,000,000,000,000,000 tons. The force of 1 billion people jumping at the same time is equal to 500 tons of TNT. Popeye was 5"6. Howdy Doody had 48 freckles. The first word spoken on the moon was "Okay". Neil Armstrong stepped on the moon with his left foot first. The average speed of Heinz ketchup leaving the bottle is 25 miles per hour. Hilary Clinton once said We are the President. The percent of women who wash their hands after leaving a restroom is 80%. The percent of men who wash their hands after using a restroom is 55%. There are 333 toilet paper squares on a toilet paper roll. The Eifel Tower has 2 500 000 rivets in it. "Jaws" is the most common name for a goldfish. On an average work day, a typist's fingers travel 12.6 miles. The average American eats 2 donuts a day. The longest word in the Old Testament is Malhershalahashbaz. The longest time a person has been in a coma is 37 years. Every minute in the U.S 6 people turn 17. It takes the Where's Waldo artist one month to complete a drawing. 2500 lefties die each year using products designed for righties. A baby is born every 7 seconds. 10 tons of space dust fall on the Earth everyday. On average, a 4 year old child asks 437 questions a day. Blue and white are the most common school colors. Swimming pools in Phoenix, Arizona, pick up 20 pounds of dust a year. The first message tapped by Samuel Morse over his invention the telegraph was: What hath God wrought?. The first words spoken by over Alexander Bell over the telephone were: Watson, please come here. I want you. The first words spoken by Thomas Edison over the phonograph were: Mary had a little lamb The three words in the English language with the letters uu are: vacuum, residuum and continuum. A baby in Florida was named: Truewilllaughinglifebuckyboomermanifestdestiny. His middle name is George James. It is illegal to ride a street car on Sunday if have been eating garlic in Toronto, Ontario, Canada. In a normal life time an American will eat 200 pounds of peanuts and 10,000 pounds of meat. A new book is published every 13 minutes in America. America's best selling ice-cream flavor is vanilla. American's eat 18 billion hot dogs a year. American's eat 134 pounds of sugar a year. Every year the sun loses 360 million tons. Because of Animal Crackers, many kids until they reach the age often, believe a bear is as tall as a giraffe. You can tell if a skunk is about if you smell only .000 000 000 000071 ounce of its spray. Animal breeders in Russia once claimed to have bred sheep with blue wool. Penguins are the only bird that can leap into the air like porpoises. India has 50 million monkeys. By some unknown means, an iguana can end its own life. Americans spend around $3 billion for cat and dog food a year. Pigs can cover a mile in 7.5 minutes when running at top speed. You breathe about 10 million times a year. The colder the room you sleep in, the better the chances are that you'll have a bad dream. The first non-human to win an Oscar was Mickey Mouse. Lee Harvey Oswald was booked with mugshot number 54018. The Gulf Stream could carry a message in a bottle at an average of 4 miles per hour. The bullseye on a dartboard must be 5 feet 8 inches off the ground. The foot is the most common body part bitten by insects. The most common time for a wake up call is 7am. The doorbell was invented in 1831. The are 225 squares on a Scrabble board. The electric shaver was patented on November 6, 1928. There are 500 sheets of paper in a ream. The monkey wrench was invented by Charles Moncke. Japan is the largest exporter of frog's legs. There are seven points on the Statue of Liberty's crown. There are approx. 550 hairs in the eyebrow. The most common non-contagious disease in the world is tooth decay. The shell constitutes 12 percent of an egg's weight. A squid has 10 tentacles. A snail's reproductive organs are in its head. A cow's only sweat glands are in its nose. The world AND appears 46 277 times in the Bible. The first word played in the Scrabble rules demonstration game is "Horn." The telephone's U.S. patent number is 174 465. The typical person goes to the bathroom 6 times a day. There are 17 steps leading up to Sherlock Holme's apartment. Anthony Robbin's informercial airs every half an hour, 24 hours a day somewhere in the USA. When a horned toad is angry, it squirts blood from it's eyes. Napoleon was terrified of cats. The first Lifesaver flavor was peppermint. The typical American eats 263 eggs a year. The ballpoint pen was invented in 1938 by Laszlo and Georg Biro. The fastest growing nail is on the middle finger. The parking meter was invented by C.C. Magee in 1935. The human body weighs forty times more than the brain. After eating too much, your hearing is less sharp. A person swallows approx. 295 while eating dinner. The oldest known vegetable is the pea. Jack is the most common name in nursery rhymes. The avocado has the most calories of any fruit. The first zoo in the USA was in Philadelphia. The letter N ends all Japanese words not ending in a vowel. France has the highest per capita consumption of cheese. The hardest bone in the human body is the jawbone. 4000 people are injured by teapots each year. The typical American consumes 27 pounds of cheese each year. The shortest English word that contains the letters A, B, C, D, E,and F is feedback. The ostrich has a 46 foot long small intestine. The state of California raises the most turkeys out of all of the states. The most sensitive finger on the human hand is the index finger. George Washington Carver invented peanut butter. The typical hen lays 19 dozen eggs a year. Stainless steal was invented by Harry Brearley in 1913. A scallop has 35 blue eyes. The left leg of a chicken is more tender than the right one. The only dog that doesn't have a pink tongue is the chow. Iceland was the first country to legalize abortion in 1935. The giraffe has the highest blood pressure of any animal. The dumbest domesticated animal is the turkey. Russia has the most movie theaters in the world. Albert Blake Dick invented the mimeograph machine. The strongest muscle in the human body is the tongue. The most fatal car accidents occur on Saturday. An Oscar weighs seven pounds. It takes the typical person seven minutes to fall asleep. Gabriel Fahrenheit invented the mercury thermometer. The Eiffel Tower has 1792 steps. The mongoose was barred live entry into the U.S. in 1902. Goldfish swallowing started at Harvard in 1939. Dry fish food can make goldfish constipated. The stall closest to the door in a bathroom is the cleanest, because it is the least used. Toilet paper was invented in 1857. 54% of Americans prefer to "fold" their toilet paper rather than"wad" it. Your urine will turn bright yellow if you eat too much asparagus. 111,111,111 x 111,111,111=12,345,678,987,654,321 There are more people alive today than have ever died. The first X-rated animated cartoon was Fritz the Cat The Library of Congress contains 327 miles of book shelves. There are 5 varieties of twins. The shell constitutes for 12 percent of an eggs mass. The longest word in the English language is pneumonoultramicroscopicsilicovolcanoconiosis. It has 45 letters. An ostriche's eye is larger than its brain. 'Typewriter' is the longest word that can be typed using only the top row on a standard keyboard. The only word in the English language to use all vowels in order is vacesious. It means to exaggerate. The sentence "the quick brown fox jumps over the lazy dog" uses every letter in the English language. Elvis had a twin brother named Aaron, who died at birth, which is why Elvis' middle name was spelled Aron; in honor of his brother. A goldfish will eventually turn white when placed in a dark room. It was first discovered on a space mission flight that a frog could throw up. First it throws up its stomach, uses it's forearms to dig out the food and then swallows it stomach back down. White Out was developed my Mike Nesmith's mother (formerly of The Monkees) Your stomach has to produce a new layer of mucus every two weeks, otherwise it will digest itself. Light travels at 186,000 miles per second
-- Have a magic day and pass it on. Magic Mike http://funandmagic.com/
Make $10-$20/hr., work at home http://homework4s.com/ 3 cents/min. phone. http://longdist.net/?phon4less High speed dial-up for free! Highspeedinfo
Subject: So funny I'm laughing a day later Date: Wed, 14 Feb 2001 08:52:13 -0800 From: Magic Mike Berger <mmb Organization: http://funandmagic.com http:cleanestwater.com http:ld.net/?phon4less To: you
Hi, My suggestion to surf today at my Photo Links Of The Day is Mt. Rainier In Morning Fog, which I'm sure describes many of you. Delight in Light Oysters and Pasta Shells, and Heavenly Chocholate Berry Pie from the Recipe page http://funandmagic.com/ . I saw these last night and I am still laughing. http://www.atomfilms.com/films/film.asp?film_id=1364 This one won the Ocsor animation award http://www.atomfilms.com/films/film.asp?film_id=221 . Really, I am still laughing from this one, called "Creature Comforts". In fact, I'm gonna watch it again right now, heh heh.
Rev. Warren J. Keating, Pastor of the First Presbyterian Church of Yuma, AZ, says that the best prayer he ever heard was: "Lord, please make me the kind of person my dog thinks I am."
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"A Canadian psychologist is selling a video that teaches you how to test your dog's IQ. Here's how it works: if you spend $12.99 for the video, your dog is smarter than you." -Jay Leno
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Self taught
Two guys were out walking their dogs, when one dog wanders off to pee against the wall. Like dogs do, it raised it's leg and started to do his thing.
The second dog then goes up and starts to go exactly where the other dog did. But instead of raising his leg, he stood up on his hind legs, put both paws on the wall and relieved himself.
One guy says to the other, "Wow, how did you teach him to pee like that?"
The second man replies, "I didn't teach him. He's done it ever since the wall fell on him..."
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You Know You're In California When . . . .
1. Your co-worker has eight body piercings and none are visible.
2. You make over $250,000 and still can't afford a house.
3. You take a bus and are shocked that two people are carrying on a conversation in English.
4. Your child's 3rd grade teacher has purple hair, a nose ring, and is named 'Breeze'.
5. You can't remember...is pot illegal?
6. You have a very strong opinion about where your coffee beans are grown and you can taste the difference between Sumatran and Ethiopian coffees.
7. You also know which Brentwood restaurant serves the freshest arugula.
8. A really great parking space can move you to tears.
9. A low speed pursuit will interrupt ANY TV broadcast.
10. Gas cost 75 cents/gallon more than anywhere else in the U.S.
11. You've attended more than one baby shower that has two mothers and one sperm donor.
12. A man gets on the bus in full leather regalia and crotchless chaps. You don't even notice.
13. A woman gets on the bus with live poultry. You don't even notice.
14. Unlike back home, the guy at Starbucks at 8:30 a.m., wearing the baseball cap and sunglasses who looks like George Clooney . . . IS George Clooney.
15. Your car insurance costs as much as your house payment.
16. The gym is packed at 3 PM ....on a work day.
17. Your hairdresser is straight, and your plumber is gay.
18. It's sprinkling, and on every news station there's a report about STORM WATCH 2000."
19. You have to leave the big company meeting early because Billy Banks himself is teaching the 4:00 PM Tae Bo class.
20. Your paperboy has a two-picture deal.
21. The three hour traffic jam you just sat through wasn't caused by a horrific 9-car freeway pileup, but by everyone slowing to rubberneck at a lost shoe laying on the shoulder.
22. The weatherman talks about the weather in other parts of the country, as if anyone really cares.
23. You pass an elementary school playground and the children are all busy with their cell phones or pagers.
24. It's sprinkling outside, so you leave for work an hour or two early to avoid all the weather-related accidents.
25. Both you AND your dog have therapists.
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Jackson Signs Book Deal Following in the boot-steps of Hillary Rodham Clinton, Jesse Jackson is penning a new book about his life as a man of the cloth. Rumor has it the working title is: "Pastors Do More Than Lay People."
-- Have a magic day and pass it on. Magic Mike http://funandmagic.com/
3 cents/min. phone. http://longdist.net/?phon4less high speed dial-up for free! Highspeedinfo
Subject: death, taxes, NEAR, Eros, Date: Tue, 13 Feb 2001 13:55:33 -0800 From: Magic Mike Berger <mmb Organization: http://funandmagic.com http:cleanestwater.com http:ld.net/?phon4less To: you
There is always death and taxes; however death doesn't get worse every year!
Hi, The NEAR spacecraft survived it's landing on EROS. I was wrong about the landing time, which I thought was tomorrow. The last photo taken before landing was taken 130 meters from the surface. Come to my site for the link and check out the latest recipes and cartoons. http://funandmagic.com/ I recommended "Crouching Tiger, Hidden Dragon". It was announced today it has received 10 Oscar nominations. Believe me, you have never seen a movie like this before. See in the theater for the great visual effects that make this movie amazing. Here is a funny valentine to send to someone. http://www.shockwave.com/bin/shockwave/entry.jsp?content=fat07
Republicans are try to blame the Hawiaan sub tragedy on Bill Clinton. One House Republican, a major Clinton critic wondered if Clinton could be impeached for offenses that occured before he was born.
--=-=-=-=-=-=-=--
If Life hands you lemons today, smile and give thanks. Then when Life isn't looking, give him a quick knee to the groin. That'll teach him.
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Even though I was an engineering student at the University of Maryland, chemistry was a required course in my day. The professor, on the first day of class, asked everyone to name the most outstanding contribution chemistry had made to society.
When my turn came, I answered, "Blondes!"
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"Give me a sentence about a public servant," said a teacher.
The small boy wrote: "The fireman came down the ladder pregnant."
The teacher took the lad aside to correct him. "Don't you know what pregnant means?" she asked.
"Sure," said the young student confidently. "It means carrying a child."
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An English professor announced to the class; "There are two words I don't allow in my class. One is gross and the other is cool."
From the back of the room a voice called out, "So, what are the words?"
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Little Johnny's 2nd-grade teacher was quizzing the students on the alphabet. "Johnny," she says, "what comes after 'O'?"
Johnny says, "Yeah!"
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The wife appeared at the breakfast table in curlers and a worn bathrobe. The husband looked up from his newspaper and said, "Why can't you look like you did when we were first married?" "How can I?" she snapped back. "I'm not pregnant!"
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I was commuting from the Borough of Queens to my job in Manhattan. I'd finished reading the morning paper and was saving it to bring to friends on the job. How do you save a newspaper on the subway? You sit on it. A new commuter came in, saw the newspaper under my rear end and asked the second most stupid question I've ever heard, "Are you reading that paper?" I stood up, turned the page, sat right back down on the paper and answered, "Yes."
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Why did God give blondes one more brain cell than he gave horses? So they wouldn't shit during the parade.
How do you plant dope? Bury a blonde.
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It was a hot day in Iowa. Helga hung the wash out to dry, put a roast in the oven, then went down the street to pick up some dry cleaning.
"Gootness, it's hot," she mused to herself as she walked down Main Street. She passed by a tavern and thought, "Vy nodt?" so she walked in and took a seat at the bar. The bartender came up and asked her what she would like to drink.
"Ya know," Helga said, "it is so hot I tink I'll have myself zee cold beer."
The bartender asked, "Anheuser Busch?"
Helga blushed and replied, "Vell fine, tanks, und how's yer pecker?"
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How can you tell if you have a cheap doctor? He takes Friday off to play miniature golf.
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A very large woman walks into a department store and asks a salesman, "Do you have anything I could fit into?"
"Well," the man says, "I think I could fit you into that elevator."
------ Have a magic day and pass it on. Magic Mike http://funandmagic.com/
Make $10-$20/hr., work at home http://homework4s.com/ 3 cents/min. phone. http://longdist.net/?phon4less high speed dial-up for free! Highspeedinfo
Subject: Let's land on an asteroid Date: Sun, 11 Feb 2001 14:54:14 -0800 From: Magic Mike Berger <mmb Organization: http://funandmagic.com http:cleanestwater.com http:ld.net/?phon4less To: you
Hi, Tomorrow, NASA will begin the firing sequence to crash-land a probe on the Eros asteroid. The sequence ends on Wed. Feb. 14th. See a close-up of the asteroid at my site. The recipe for the day is Oregano-and-Lemon Skillet Potatoes. Here's a Shockwave parody by Regurge on the Pokeman craze. http://www.shockwave.com/bin/shockwave/entry.jsp?content=regurge02
Susan phones her husband, Nick, at work for a chat. Nick: "I'm sorry dear, but I'm up to my neck in work today." Susan: "But I've got some good news and some bad news for you, dear." Nick: "OK darling, but as I've got no time now, just give me the good news." Susan: "Well, the air bag works."
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How do you know a blonde has been using a dishwasher? It's cloged up with paperplates.
Why did the blonde have to drink a hot pepsi? Because she couldn't fit any ice into the bottle.
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Two good old boys, Bubba and Junior have been promoted from Privates to Sergeants. Not long after,they're out for a walk and Bubba says, "Hey, Junior, there's the NCO Club. Let's you and me stop in and have a drank."
"But we's privates," protests Junior. "We's sergeants now," says Bubba, pulling him inside. "Now, Junior, I'm gonna sit down and have me a drank." "But, we's privates," says Junior. "You blind, boy?" asks Bubba, pointing at his stripes. "We's Sergeants now."
So they order their drinks and pretty soon a hooker comes up to Bubba. "You're cute," she says, "and I'd like to take you some place and make you feel good but I've got a bad case of gonorrhea."
Bubba pulls his friend to the side and whispers, "Junior, go look in the dictionary and see what gonorrhea means. If it's okay, give me the okay sign."
Junior goes to look it up, comes back, and gives Bubba the big okay sign.
Three weeks later Bubba is laid up in the infirmary with a terrible case of gonorrhea. "Junior," he says, "What you give me the okay for?" "Well Bubba, in the dictionary, it says gonorrhea only affects the privates." Then he pointed to his stripes and says, "But we's Sergeants now!
-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-
KIDS SAY THE DANGDEST THINGS!
TIPS ON CHOOSING THE RIGHT SPOUSE
You got to find somebody who likes the same stuff. Like, if you like sports, she should like it that you like sports, and she should keep the chips and dip coming. - Alan, age 10
HOW CAN A STRANGER TELL IF TWO PEOPLE ARE MARRIED?
You might have to guess, based on whether they seem to be yelling at the same kids. - Derrick, age 8
WHAT DO YOU THINK YOUR MOM AND DAD HAVE IN COMMON?
Both don't want any more kids. - Lori, age 8
WHAT DO MOST PEOPLE DO ON A DATE?
Dates are for having fun, and people should use them to get to know each other. Even boys have something to say if you listen long enough. - Lynnette, age 8
WHEN IS IT OKAY TO KISS SOMEONE?
When they're rich. - Pam, age 7
IS IT BETTER TO BE SINGLE OR MARRIED?
It's better for girls to be single but not for boys. Boys need someone to clean up after them. - Anita, age 9
HOW WOULD THE WORLD BE DIFFERENT IF PEOPLE DIDN'T GET MARRIED?
There sure would be a lot of kids to explain, wouldn't there? - Kelvin, age 8
HOW WOULD YOU MAKE A MARRIAGE WORK?
Tell your wife that she looks pretty even if she looks like a truck.- Ricky, age 10
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One day, John Smith decided to go to a new golf course where no one knew him, just to get away and see if he could do better elsewhere.
He hired a caddy to guide him around the course. After another day of slices, duff shots, misread putts and bad temper, he was obviously upset. He turned to the caddy and said,
"You know I must be the worst golfer in the world."
The caddy replied,
"I think not sir, I have heard there is a guy named John Smith from across town who is the worst player ever!"
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There are reports that O. J. Simpson will release a rap album. Asked to comment, rap star Eminem worried that this sort of thing could really give rap music a bad name.
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"I'm prescribing these pills for you," said the doctor to the overweight patient, who tipped the scales at about three hundred pounds.
"I don't want you to swallow them. Just spill them on the floor twice a day and pick them up, one at a time...."
-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=
"I voted Republican this year. The Democrats left a bad taste in my mouth." Monica Lewinsky
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A college physics professor was explaining a particularly complicated concept to his class when a pre-med student interrupted him.
"Why do we have to learn this stuff?" one young man blurted out.
"To save lives," the professor responded before continuing the lecture.
A few minutes later the student spoke up again. "So how does physics save lives?"
The professor stared at the student for a long time without saying a word. Finally the professor continued. "Physics saves lives," he said, "because it keeps the idiots out of medical school."
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Q. How do you measure a blonde's IQ? A. With a tire gauge.
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"Inside every older person is a younger person - wondering what the fuck happened."
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What do you call a woman without an asshole? Single!
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The gentleman walked briskly into the drug store, strode over to the pharmacist and said, "I would like a box of Sex-Lax." The pharmacist smiled and replied, "You must mean Ex-Lax." "No," the man responded, "I don't have any trouble going."
-=-=-=-=--=-=-=-=-=-=-=
SIGNS:
Italian Doctor's Sign: Specialist in Women, and other Diseases.
Hospital Sign in London: Visitors. Two to a bed, and half an hour only.
A Hotel Sign in France with egg on Menu: "Extract of Fowl, Peached or Sun up"
Door Sign Of Dentist In Istanbul: American Dentist, 2th floor, Teeth Extracted By Latest Methods.
At a Yugoslav Hotel: Let Us No about any Unficiency As Well as Leaking on the Service. Our utmost will Improve.
At Czechoslovakia's Tourist Bureau: Take our Horse Driven City Tours- We Guarantee No Miscarriages
On a dentist's License Plate. OPNWYD
In a Bar: Those drinking to forget pay in advance.
By a Urinal: The same guy who removes the butts from the urinal also puts ice in your drinks.
Shoe Store: We foot everything but the bills.
Meat Counter: Chop Lifters will be prosecuted.
Finger Print Expert: Man of the Whorl.
Banner at the Health Department: "Family Planning Weak"
At Entrance to a Maternity Hospital: No Children After 7 p.m.
Welcome Arch for A Chief Minister: "Long Leave Dr. Chenna Reddy.
On a Menu: Barely Soup.
On a stingy wealthy man's tombstone: "He added, multiplied, and never subtracted. His grateful relatives divided"
At the Dairy: You can whip our cream, but you can't beat our milk.
At the Optometrist's Office: If you don't see what you are looking for, you have come to the right place.
On a T-shirt: You have aright to your opinion. I just don't want to hear them
On a Journalist's T Shirt: "Not tonight dear, I have a Deadline"
On an elderly persons T Shirt: "Don't trust anyone under 68
At a Laundromat: Automatic Washing Machines- Please remove all your clothes when Lights go out.
At a Rome Laundry: "Ladies, leave your clothes here and spend the afternoon, having a good time"
In a Japanese Hotel You are invited to take advantage of the Chambermaid.
Scent Manufacturers: Thrust their business into other people's noses.
Missing Baggage: Flight Plight.
Feel Superior, become a Nun.
On a Restaurant Window: Don't stand there and be hungry. Come in and get fedup
Help Wanted: Entomologist, to talk to a boy of six, who wants to talk to someone about Bugs
Paper Advertisement: "For Sale- two bed room cabin with naughty pine walls.
-- Have a magic day and pass it on. Magic Mike http://funandmagic.com/
3 cents/min. phone. http://longdist.net/?phon4less high speed dial-up for free! Highspeedinfo
Subject: Nashville Skyline, lots of recipes, new slang Date: Fri, 09 Feb 2001 11:22:28 -0800 From: Magic Mike Berger <mmb Organization: http://funandmagic.com http:cleanestwater.com http:ld.net/?phon4less To: you
Hi, Nashville Skyline is a real nice Bob Dylan song. There are lots of stars in Nashville. I played there myself, doing magic in the Grand Ole Opry Hotel and Convention Center, at a DISH satellite tradeshow. There are lots of Planets in Nashville, too. FOUR! Today's photo link choice shows Jupiter, Saturn, The Moon, Venus, and Mercury over Nashville. http://funandmagic.com/ I added to the recipe page: Chocolate Fudge Brownies Chicken Cordon Bleu Onion-Crusted Chicken Crock Pot Sweet & Sour Pork Roast Fat-Free French Toast Hot Crunchy Chicken Baked Ziti Scotch Casserole Beef Salad Lemon Chicken Quick Banana Muffins Sweet Roll Topping Marinated Fish
On August 1st 1981 MTV aired the 1st music video, "Video Killed The Radio Star". Here is the Regurge parody on Shockwave, "Internet Killed The Video Star". Hey! What goes around comes around, Video Star. http://www.shockwave.com/bin/shockwave/entry.jsp?content=jj18
New Slang for 2001 1.I'm pulling a Bush. (This is when something doesn't go the way you planned, so you get your family members to pull some strings for you.)
2.I'm pulling a Clinton. (This is when you almost get busted doing something, but you luck out and make everyone else look stupid.)
3.Speak up, I'm Tysoned. (This is when you're having trouble hearing.)
4.I'm one of the Texas Seven. (This is when you get out of doing something and then find yourself right back there again.)
5.I'm feeling California. (This is when you're so drunk you can't see.)
6.I'm taking a Pitino. (This is when you do a crappy job and just give up.)
7.I'm on Survivor. (It's when everyone likes you for a month and then forget all about you.)
8.I got a Golden Globe. (That's when you get something that doesn't really mean much to you, for something you didn't do all that well.)
9.I married Madonna. (It's when you have to give up something personal in order to get something that has been used by everyone else.)
10.I did a Jennifer Lopez. (That's when you make a big ass out of yourself.)
11.I got EBay'd. (when you pay twice as much as something is worth and feel like you got a deal.)
12.I got colleged. (It's when you pay a lot for something you really didn't need anyways.)
13.Anna Kournacoving the job. (When you always fail but look really good doing it.)
14.I'm Super Bowling. (That's when you make a big deal about nothing.)
-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=
Ted just finished his training session at the local fast food restaurant so he was a little nervous being behind the register for the first time.
His first customer ordered a Milkshake.
"Ted," his manager said, "remember to say 'Welcome to each customer before they order."
His second customer ordered a Cheeseburger. This time, the manager approached Ted again, and said, "Remember to ask each customer if they want fries with their order."
At this point a man came in wearing a ski mask, approached Ted at the register and said. "Give me all the money you got in that register kid!"
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I was in a church meeting where the topic was "Burial or Cremation?"
Two of the people got rather worked up.
One said to the other, "If you have yourself cremated, all you will be doing is making an ash of yourself!"
The other replied, "Well, I'm told that petroleum comes from fossilized bones. So if you have yourself buried all you will be doing is making a fuel of yourself!"
-=-=-=-=--=--
Should I have a baby after 35? No, 35 children is enough.
I'm two months pregnant now. When will my baby move? With any luck, right after he finishes college.
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A young Jewish man excitedly tells his mother he's fallen in love and going to get married. He says, "Just for fun, Ma, I'm going to bring over 3 women and you try and guess which one I'm going to marry."
The mother agrees.
The next day, he brings 3 beautiful women into the house and sits them down on the couch and they chat for a while. He then says, "Okay, Ma. Guess which one I'm going to marry."
She immediately replies, 'The red-head in the middle."
"That's amazing, Ma. You're right. How did you know?"
"I don't like her."
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How do you describe a blonde, surrounded by drooling idiots? Flattered.
How do you keep a blonde busy all day? Put her in a round room and tell her to sit in the corner.
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One morning a man came into the church on crutches. He stopped in front of the holy water, put some on both legs, and then threw away his crutches. An alter boy witnessed the scene and then ran into the rectory to tell the priest what he'd just seen. "Son, you've just witnessed a miracle," the priest said. "Tell me where is this man now?" "Flat on his ass over by the holy water," said the boy.
-- Have a magic day and pass it on. Magic Mike http://funandmagic.com/
3 cents/min. phone. http://longdist.net/?phon4less High speed dial-up for free! Highspeedinfo
Subject: Ant Nebula Date: Thu, 08 Feb 2001 17:05:24 -0800 From: Magic Mike Berger <mmb Organization: http://funandmagic.com http:cleanestwater.com http:ld.net/?phon4less To: you
The Ant Nebula is truly fantastic! More Chocolate recipes! Hmmm. Ants. Chocolate. Could there be a connection? Probably not. But see them both at my site. http://funandmagic.com/ Here is Real Pool - 3-D game graphics on the web, no download. Very real looking table and cue. It takes some getting used to shooting. The page takes some time to load, and the play button loads after they ask you to buy it, so be patient before you click away. http://www.shockwave.com/bin/shockwave/entry.jsp?content=realpool
A guy was visiting his friend in the hospital who was "all torn up."
"What happened?" he asked.
"Well, we were hunting the Mumba snake. It has yellow and black stripes.It likes to sun itself lying across a pathway in the jungle. You catch it by grabbing the tip of its tail with one hand and quickly running your other hand up the length of its body so you can grab it behind the
neck."
"Go on," the friend said.
"Well, I stealthily sneaked up to the tail laying across the jungle path, grabbed it by the end and rapidly moved my other hand upward ... just as the procedure goes."
"So why are you so beaten up?" the friend asked.
"Did you ever goose a tiger?"
--=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=
Jon was talking to Al.
"So, Al, how's it going with the ladies?"
"Women, to me, are nothing but sex objects."
"Really?"
"Yep," Al shook his head, "Whenever I mention sex, they object."
-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=--=-=
Blonde Moments!
Ted: "I see you bought a new car. What's the make?" Blondie Sue: "A Perndle." Ted: "A what?" Sue: "A Perndle." Ted: "I've never heard of a Perndle before." Sue: "Me either, but that's what it says, right over the steering wheel." Ted: "It says *what* over the steering wheel?" Sue: "The name of the car. It's spelled out, right above the steering wheel and right beneath the speedometer: P-R-N-D-L."
-=--=-=-=-=--=-=
A priest is walking down the street one day when he notices a very small boy trying to press a doorbell on a house across the street. However, the boy is very small and the doorbell is too high for him to reach. After watching the boys efforts for some time, the priest moves closer to the boy's position.
He steps smartly across the street, walks up behind the little fellow and, placing his hand kindly on the child's shoulder leans over and gives the doorbell a sold ring. Crouching down to the child's level, the priest smiles benevolently and asks, "And now what, my little man?"
To which the boy replies, "Now we run!"
--=-=-=-=-=--=-=-=
The teacher asked: "Little Johnny, "if your father earned $100.00 and gave half of it to your mother, what would she have?"
Little Johnny replied, "A heart attack"
-=--=-=-=-=--=-=-=-=-=-=
Little Billy, and his grandfather entered the vacation cabin, and kept the lights off until they were inside to keep from attracting pesky insects.
Still, a few fireflies followed them in.
Noticing them before his grandfather did, Little Billy whispered, "It's no use, Grandpa. The mosquitoes are coming after us with flashlights...."
--==-=-=-=-=-=---
When her late husband's will was read, a widow learned he had left the bulk of his fortune to another woman.
Enraged, she rushed to change the inscription on her spouse's tombstone.
"Sorry, lady," said the stonecutter. "I inscribed 'Rest in Peace' on your orders. I can't change it now."
"Very well," she said grimly. "Just add, `Until We Meet Again.' "
The movie "102 Dalmatians" is set to release this weekend. However, in Florida it's only going to be "97 Dalmatians". Palm Beach County has decided to throw out 5 of them because the dots were in the wrong place.
-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-
A New York family bought a ranch out West where they intended to raise cattle. Friends came to visit and asked if the ranch had a name.
"Well," said the would-be-cattleman. "I wanted to call it the Bar-J. My wife favored the Suzy-Q. One son liked the Flying- W, and the other son wanted the Lazy-Y. So, we're calling it the Bar-J-Suzy-Q-Flying-W-Lazy-Y."
"But where are all your cattle?"
"So far, none have survived the branding."
-=-=-=-=-=-=--=-=-= Humorous Quotes
Families is where our nation finds hope, where wings take dream. --George W. Bush, during a campaign speech in LaCrosse, Wisconsin.Giving money and power to Government is like giving whiskey and car keys to teenage boys. -- P.J. O'Rourke
While you are away, movie stars are taking your women. Robert Redford is dating your girlfriend, Tom Selleck is kissing your lady, Bart Simpson is making love to your wife. -- Clueless Iraqi radio announcer, Baghdad Betty, trying to demoralize our Gulf War troops.
I want to be reincarnated as your tampon. -- Prince Charles, 1991 (Not recommended as a pick up line. Kids, don't try this at home.)
You always write it's bombing, bombing, bombing. It's not bombing, it's air support. -- Air Force Colonel David Opfer, complaining to reporters about their coverage of the Vietnam War.
Capital punishment is our societies recognition of the sanctity of human life. -- Orrin Hatch, Senator from Utah.
Don't be humble. You're not that great. -- Golda Meir
It is now quite lawful for a Catholic woman to avoid pregnancy by resorting to mathematics, though she is still forbidden to resort to physics or chemistry. -- H. L. Mencken
I think that the undecideds could go one way or the other. -- George Bush, 1988
We may be finding that in some blacks, when the choke hold is applied, the veins or arteries do not open up like in normal people. -- Daryl Gates, former L.A. police chief and complete idiot.
I'm not against the blacks, and a lot of the good blacks will attest to that. -- Evan Mecham, then governor of Arizona
Honest businessmen should be protected from the unscrupulous consumer.
-- Lester Maddox, then governer of Georgia, on why his state should not create a consumer protection agency.
Outside of the killings, Washington has one of the lowest crime rates in the country. -- Mayor Marion Barry, Washington, D.C.
I did what any normal person would do at that age. You call home. You call home to mother and father and say, "I'd like to get into the National Guard." -- Dan Quayle, vice-presidential hopeful, defending his National Guard service during the Vietnam War.
Casual drug users should be taken out and shot. -- Daryl Gates, Asshole Deluxe.
I didn't inhale. -- Presidential candidate Bill Clinton
Who ever heard of Casablanca? I don't want to star opposite some unknown Swedish broad. -- George Raft, on the role of Rick in Casablanca.
Mothers are fonder than fathers of their children because they are more certain they are their own. -- Aristotle
Ward, come upstairs and talk to The Beaver. -- June (Mrs. Frisky) Cleaver
I believe we are on an irreversible trend toward more freedom and democracy. But that could change. -- Vice-President Dan Quayle
I was not lying. I said things that later on seemed to be untrue. -- Richard Nixon, discussing Watergate in 1978
A woman, occasionally, is quite a serviceable substitute for masturbation. -- Karl Kraus
Smoking kills. If you're killed, you've lost a very important part of your life. -- Brooke Shields, on why she wanted to become spokesperson for a federal antismoking campaign.
It is more profitable for your congressman to support the tobacco industry than your life. -- Jackie Mason
Isn't there any other part of the matzo you can eat? -- Marilyn Monroe, after being served matzo ball soup three meals in a row.
My work is done, why wait? -- Suicide note of Kodak founder George Eastman
Bachelors should be heavily taxed. It's not fair that some men should be happier than others. -- Oscar Wilde
A husband is what is left of the lover after the nerve has been extracted. -- Helen Rowland
I love California. I grew up in Phoenix. --Vice-President Dan Quayle
Every day people are straying away from the church and going back to God. -- Lenny Bruce
Bite the wax tadpole. -- Coca-Cola name as originally translated into Chinese (later changed to "May the mouth rejoice").
Pepsi brings your ancestors back from the grave. -- Ad slogan "Pepsi comes alive" as initially translated into Chinese.
If we let people see that kind of thing, there would never again be any war. -- Senior Pentagon official, explaining why the U.S. military censored footage showing Iraqi soldiers sliced in two by U.S. helicopter fire.
They couldn't hit an elephant at this dist-- -- Last words of Union commander General John Sedgwick, spoken as he was watching enemy troops at the Battle of Spotsylvania Court House.
Sure, it's going to kill a lot of people, but they may be dying of something else anyway. -- Othal Brand, member of a Texas pesticide review board, on Chlordane.
I have no weakness for shoes. I wear very simple shoes which are pump shoes. It is not one of my weaknesses. -- Imelda Marcos, owner of 3,400 pairs of shoes.
Facts are stupid things. -- Ronald Reagan
Where would Christianity be if Jesus got eight to fifteen years, with time off for good behavior? -- New York Senator James H. Donovan commenting on capital punishment.
Without censorship, things can get terribly confused in the public mind. -- General William Westmoreland on why the media should be controlled in wartime.
I stand by all the misstatements. -- Dan Quayle, then vice-presidential hopeful, defending his verbal gaffes.
-- Have a magic day and pass it on. Magic Mike http://funandmagic.com/
Make $10-$20/hr., work at home http://homework4s.com/ 3 cents/min. phone. http://longdist.net/?phon4less high speed dial-up for free! Highspeedinfo
Subject: Milky Way Panorama, Cyndi Lauper parody, giggles Date: Wed, 07 Feb 2001 13:16:15 -0800 From: Magic Mike Berger <mmb Organization: http://funandmagic.com http:cleanestwater.com http:ld.net/?phon4less To: you
My pick for Photo Link of the Day is a stunning panorama of our Milky Way Galaxy. Photos over 3 years from USA, Africa, and Germany were digitized and put together for a 360x180 view. Also I didn't write about yesterday's, now on Page 60 of Jupiter, up close orbital photo. I added more recipes. Watch out! Many are for chocolate. Go to my site at http://funandmagic.com/ and have fun. - Magic Mike
My choice for laughter today is a parody of Cyndi Lauper by Regurge, callled "Mime After Mime." http://www.shockwave.com/bin/shockwave/entry.jsp?content=regurge04 .
When I was younger I hated going to weddings ...it seemed that all of my aunts and the grandmotherly types used to come up to me, poking me in the ribs and cackling, telling me, 'You're next.' They stopped that stuff after I started doing the same thing to them at funerals.
-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=
Here's a list of slogans that got scrapped, for obvious reasons, by some major companies. 11.Ford Motor Co.: At least it's not a Yugo.
10.Time-Warner/AOL: Good luck finding objective journalism.
9.Microsoft: Our name may fit our anatomy, but not our business strategy.
8.Amazon.com: Losing money at the speed of eBusiness 7.Preparation H: The Mature Cologne 6.Marlboro: Cancer never looked cooler.
5.Busch: Wouldn't you like to get some?
4.Depends: For when you're holding more than just your respirator.
3.Coke: Don't buy it! Psych! At this point we can just experiment.
2.Pets.com: Anyone hiring?
1.Yugo: At least it's not a Ford.
=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-
A man visiting a village by a railway line was amazed at the high birth rate.
"A train goes past the village at 4:30 am," a local explained.
"What's that got to do with it?" asked the man.
"Well, at that time, it's too early to get up, but too late to go back to sleep."
-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=
The doctor looked benignly at the woman who had come to him for an examination.
"Mrs. Brown," he said, "I have some good news for you."
The woman said,
"I'm glad of that doctor, but I'm not Mrs Brown, I am Miss Brown,"
"Miss Brown," said the doctor without changing expression, "I have bad news for you."
-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=
How many blondes does it take to play tag? One.
Whats black and fuzzy and hangs from the ceiling? A blond electrician.
How do you sink a submarine full of blondes? You knock on the door.
--=-=-=-=-=-=-=---
Wife: Look at the old clothes I have to wear. If people came to visit, they would think I was the cook!
Husband: Well, they'd change their minds if they stayed for dinner.
--=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-
Scene: It's a fine sunny day in the forest, and a rabbit is sitting outside his burrow, tippy-tapping on his typewriter. Along comes a fox, out for a walk.
Fox: "What are you working on?"
Rabbit: "My thesis."
Fox: "Hmm... What is it about?"
Rabbit: "Oh, I'm writing about how rabbits eat foxes."
Fox: "That's ridiculous! Any fool knows that rabbits don't eat foxes!"
Rabbit: "Come with me and I'll show you!"
They both disappear into the rabbit's burrow. After a few minutes, gnawing on a fox bone, the rabbit returns to his typewriter and resumes typing. Soon a wolf comes along and stops to watch the hardworking rabbit.
Wolf: " What's that you are writing?"
Rabbit: " I'm doing a thesis on how rabbits eat wolves."
Wolf: " you don't expect to get such rubbish published, do you?"
Rabbit: " No problem. Do you want to see why?"
The rabbit and the wolf go into the burrow and again the rabbit returns by himself, after a few minutes, and goes back to typing.
Finally a bear comes along and asks, "What are you doing?
Rabbit: " I'm doing a thesis on how rabbits eat bears."
Bear: "Well that's absurd!
Rabbit: "Come into my home and I'll show you"
As they enter the burrow, the rabbit introduces the bear to the lion.
Moral: IT DOESN'T MATTER HOW SILLY YOUR THESIS TOPIC IS. WHAT MATTERS IS WHO YOU HAVE FOR A SUPERVISOR.
In the context of the working world: IT DOESN'T MATTER HOW BAD YOUR PERFORMANCE IS; WHAT MATTERS IS WHETHER YOUR BOSS LIKES YOU.
--=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=--=-=
Thanks to friends at First Financial Group, we get occasional tips about companies that are on the verge of releasing some product that might make them a good b uying opportunity. Yesterday, I heard from a drug rep for Glaxo who told me that they are on the verge of launching a new herbal remedy that they think will take the market by storm. This drug sounds so promising that I want to suggest my friends that they consider buying stock in the company.The drug is called Gingko Viagra, and its function is to help you remember what the fuck you are doing
-==-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=--=
I was in line at a restaurant. In front of me was a mother with her college-age son and his girlfriend. It was in the middle of the dinner rush, and many customers were restless at the long wait, but the young couple, holding hands and kissing, were oblivious to everything around them.
Although clearly not approving, the mother was silent until one prolonged kiss when the young man had his face and hands buried in his girlfriend's long, curly locks.
"Do you have to do that here?" the embarrassed mother asked.
"I'm not doing anything, Mom," came her son's muffled voice. "My earring's caught in her hair."
-- Have a magic day and pass it on. Magic Mike http://funandmagic.com/
3 cents/min. phone. http://longdist.net/?phon4less High speed dial-up for free! Highspeedinfo.
