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Magic Mike's Jokes Archive #31
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"Since all phenomena, is a product of one's own mind,
empty of meaning, like a magician's illusion,
having nothing to do with good or bad, acceptance or rejection,
one might burst out in laughter."
- Longchenpa, 13th century Tibetan monk.
Subject: Towering Forest In The Fog, Phil's Planet Proctor Date: Wed, 31 Jan 2001 18:53:44 -0800 From: Magic Mike Berger <mmb Organization: http://funandmagic.com http:cleanestwater.com http:ld.net/?phon4less To: you
"Most people are willing to pay more to be amused than to be educated." -Robert C. Savage
Wallpaper today is "Towering Forest In The Fog." There are 2 new recipes, as desserts have been added. Stop by and get a new one every day. Today has finds another Planet Proctor from Hollyweird. It's all at http://funandmagic.com/
Q: My wife/girlfriend says I should cut down on meat, and eat more fruits and vegetables.
A: Your wife just doesn't grasp logistical efficiencies the way you do. Look, what does a cow eat? Corn. And what's corn? A vegetable. So a steak is nothing more than an efficient mechanism of delivering vegetables to your system. Need grain? Eat chicken. Beef is also a good source of field grass. And a pork chop can give you 100% of your recommended daily allowance of slop.
-=-=-=-=-=-=-=---
If 4 out of 5 people SUFFER from diarrhea ... does that mean that 1 enjoys it?
-=-=-=-=-=--=-=-=-
They recently discovered a smaller scroll hidden in the cylinder of the first scroll of the ancient Biblical scriptures, believed to be the actual "first page" of the Bible. When deciphered, it read:
"Copyright (c) 300 B.C. God. All Rights Reserved First scrawling First-Sunrise-After-Stonehenge-Keystone- Is- Shadowed, 300 B.C.
All beings, places and events depicted in this work are fictional, and any resemblance to actual beings, places and events past, present or future is purely coincidental.
WARNING: Some of the actions performed in this work are dangerous and should only be attempted by professionals familiar with the action in question.
NOTE: Those tiny points of light in the sky when it gets dark are called 'stars'. Some of them do blow up on occasion. In no way should this be construed as a sign that there is, beneath such an explosion, any form of saviour. Should such a misconstrual happen, the author will not be held responsible for the avalanche of arrogance, zeal, bigotry, humanocentricity and other vile acts which will surely follow the residents of the planet into time eternal until someone sees fit to erase the denizens of the world and let the author start over.
DSBN 0-000000-0000-1
Suggested retail: 1 sheep."
--=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=
A woman's definition of the perfect husband: A man who is convinced he has the perfect wife.
-=-=-=-=-=-=-=--=
Do you know why you should never drink diet soda during oral sex? Because then you will have 2 after tastes to get rid of.
=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=
Why did the blonde call the welfare office? She wanted to know how to cook food stamps!
Did you hear about the blond skydiver? She missed the Earth!
-=-=-=-=-=-=---=-=-=-=
A lady lost her handbag in the bustle of Christmas shopping. It was found by an honest little boy and returned to her. Looking in her purse, she commented, "Hmmm . . . that's funny. When I lost my bag there was a $20 bill in it. Now there are twenty $1 bills."
The boy quickly replied, "That's right, lady. The last time I found a lady's purse, she didn't have any change for a reward."
=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-
Two guys in a car drive right through a red light. "Man, you just ran that red light!" exclaimed the passenger. "Don't worry, my brother does it all the time," said the driver. They continue driving through town and then proceed to drive through another stop light. "You just ran another stop light! You're going to get us killed!" screamed the nervous passenger. "Don't worry, my brother does it all the time," repeated the driver. Moments later, they approached a green light and they came to a halting stop. "Why are you stopping?" asked the anxious passenger. The driver turned and said, "Because my brother might be coming!"
-=--=-=-=-=-=---=--=
Subject: PP 2001.03 Date: Wed, 31 Jan 2001 20:33:41 -0500 From: phil proctor <PProctor@compuserve.com To: 3 <pproctor@compuserve.com
((((((((((((((((((((( PLANET PROCTOR 2001.03 - http://www.planetproctor.com
"Bill Clinton was President Erect, G.W. Bush, President Select; will we ever elect a President Correct?" - PP
MEN/WOMEN/SAMETHING She is not a babe or a chick -- she is a breasted American and if implanted, medically enhanced. She's not easy but horizontally accessible; not horny - just sexually focussed, and even if she's "been around" she's only a "previously enjoyed companion", not a two-bit whore but a low cost provider; not dumb, just a detour off the information superhighway; not an airhead but "reality impaired", does not get drunk or tipsy -- just chemically inconvenienced. And she never nags you, she simply becomes verbally repetitive. He does not have a beer gut! He has developed a liquid grain storage facility. He doesn't get falling-down drunk, just accidentally horizontal. He is not balding butin follicle regression. He's not a bad
dancer, just overly Caucasian, does not get lost all the time, but investigates alternative destinations. He doesn't fear commitment, he's "monogamously challenged"; he's not a cradle robber but prefers generationally different relationships; not a male chauvinist pig, just expressing swine empathy. And of course, he never acts like a total ass, but occasionally suffers from rectal-cranial inversion. (Source regrettably lost)
"I am tired of this sort of thing called science. We have spent millions in that sort of thing . . . and it is time it should be stopped." - Penn. Sen. Simon Cameron on funding for the Smithsonian Institution, 1861, from Gary Gordon
!!!!! DIAL 911 !!!!! Caller: Am I talking to a real person or is this a recording? We might (cough) need the fire department here. (cough) Is it okay for a civilian to take a person to the hospital or does the ambulance have to do it? He's not breathing! 911: Can you get the phone close to him? Caller: Why? You want to hear he's not breathing, too? 911: We'll need a description of him. Caller: He's a lawyer. 911: What is your address? Caller: It's gone. Somebody stole our mailbox.
"When you reach my age and you find yourself eating light bulbs for a living, you know you've made some bad career moves along the way." - Circus performer Matt Hely in Newsweek's "Perspectives"
HOT HAMS! According to "This Is True" <www.thisistrue.com the South Carolina Myrtle Beach City Manager wants to eliminate the local Fire Department's
annual rabble-rousing fund-raiser which for the last four years has been a "ham rubbing" featuring semi-naked gals romping on stage while their boobs are massaged with steaks of smoked swine. The blue-nosed city official demanded that the over $2,000 raised by this racy ritual be returned and added, "This will be the last ham rubbing they have for the fire department." Next year, what -- a weenie massage?
"I've been around for a while. I can remember when a hot story broke and the reporters would run in and shout,'Stop the chisels!'" - Ronald Reagan
AYE, THERE'S THE RUB! Three men are discussing last night's lovemaking. The Italian says, "My wife, I rubbed her all over with fine olive oil, then we make wonderful love. She screamed for five minutes." The Frenchman says, "I smoothed sweet butter on my wife's body, then we made passionate love. She screamed for half an hour." The Jewish guy says, "I covered my wife's body with chicken fat. We made love and she screamed for six hours." "Six hours?" the others say, "How did you make her scream for six hours?" He shrugs and says, "I wiped my hands on the drapes." (From Shelley Herman)
"No birth control is needed in Florida! Half the population doesn't know which hole to punch, and the other half can't penetrate." - From Jack Angel
PARDON ME! To: Mr. John Hinkley, St. Elizabeth Hospital, Washington D.C. Dear John, Hillary and I wanted to drop you a short note to tell you how pleased we are with the great strides you are making in your recovery. We want you to know that no grudge is borne against you for shooting President Reagan. We, above all, are aware of how the mental stress and pain could
have driven you to such an act of desperation. We are confident that you
will soon make a complete recovery and return to your family to join the
world again as a healthy and productive young man. I hereby pardon you and warmly welcome you back into society. (signed) Bill Clinton P.S. George W. Bush is screwing Jodie Foster.
"The most powerful men in the country are Bush, Dick and Colon."
LIFE IS TUFF First, I got angina pectoris and then arteriosclerosis. Just as I
was recovering from these, I got tuberculosis, double pneumonia and phthisis. Then they gave me hypodermics. Appendicitis was followed by tonsillectomy.These gave way to aphasia and hypertrophic cirrhosis. I completely lost my memory for a while but I know I had diabetes and acute ingestion besides gastritis, rheumatism, lumbago and neuritis. I don't know how I pulled through it. It was the hardest spelling test I've ever had.
"Take these pills as often as you can get the cap off." - Patty Paul
I'M HAVING A SPELL! Eye halve a spelling chequer, it came with my pea sea, It plainly marques four my revue, miss steaks eye kin knot sea. Eye strike a key and type a word and weight four it two say Weather eye am wrong oar write -- it shows me strait a weigh! As soon as a mist ache is maid, it nose bee fore two long And eye can put the error rite. Its rare lea ever wrong. Eye have run this hole poem threw it -- I am shore your pleased two no, Its letter perfect awl the weigh! My chequer tolled me sew.
(Martha Snow)
"My tongue got caught in my eyeteeth, so I couldn't see what I saw saying." - "Texasism" from columnist Molly Ivins, Austin Star-Telegram
MADE IN CHINA According to our London correspondent, Larry Belling, Chinese scientists have performed the first successful cloning of a human being.
Unfortunately, it was also discovered that the DNA donor suffered from Turret's Syndrome. As a result, the clone soon began to exhibit the same
characteristic swearing tendencies as the donor. Then, the project's lead scientist -- deeply embarrassed by the new clone's incessant profanity -- confessed to taking him onto the roof of the remote top-secret science facility and pushing him to his death. The contrite scientist was charged with making an obscene clone fall.
"It is not enough to wire the world if you short circuit the soul." - Tom Brocaw at the 85th Anniversary of the California Community Foundation
HELLMARK CARDS So your daughter's a hooker, and it spoiled your day... Look at the bright side, she's a really good lay.
My tire was thumping... I thought it was flat... When I looked at the tire...I noticed your cat...Sorry!
Happy Vasectomy! Hope you feel zippy! 'Cause when I had mine, I got real snippy.
Heard your wife left you...How upset you must be... But don't fret about it...She moved in with me.
Your computer is dead...it was once so alive. Don't you regret installing Windows 95?
You totaled your car... and can't remember why. Could it have been...the case of Bud Dry?
Saw something today that reminded me of you. As a matter of fact, it was some shit on my shoe! (Thanks go to Carlos Carrasco)
"Method acting is like masturbating. It's a lot of fun but it doesn't accomplish much." - Charleton Heston, Los Angeles Magazine
MORE UKRANIAN PRODUCTS A product called "Tourist Matches" were offered to the post cold-war Ukrainian consumers as "ideal for campers, utility workers and homemakers." Developed by officials at a decommissioned napalm factory in Shotska, the matches were developed to fire up when wet and burn for over a minute. One little problem, however. In product testing it was found that a match would burn through a glass ashtray and a table, setting the rug below ablaze, and they can't be blown out or extinguished in water and stomping on one only scatters red-hot embers. A box of 45 sells for 25 cents and carries a warning pictograph of a naked half-burned man in a field of charred stumps. (From "Dumb, Dumber, Dumbest" by Kohut and Sweet, Plume Books)
"What are we going to eat? Every carrot squeals when you rip it from the ground if you had but ears to hear it." - Betty Fussell from "My Kitchen
Wars"
A-MAZING NEWS According to director and amateur Doctor Jeff Mandel, "Rats apparently can't escape the rat race, even when they're sound asleep." Researchers at the Massachusetts Institute of Technology claim to have studied ratty dreams and found them working their way through the same lab mazes they negotiated during the day. See how alike all we animals are? Also, there used to be a radio show called, "It Pays to be Ignorant" but recent studies reveal that "It Pains to be Intelligent!" A study of "smart" rodents shows them to suffer from an increased sensitivity to certain kinds of pain. What's next? A genetically-engineered race of cranky smart-asses?
"The stage pays the soul, but it doesn't pay the rent." - Stacy Keach
STAGE FOR THE SOUL The Firesign Theatre will perform the "Graveyard Love Scene" from Act II of Shakespeare's Lost Comedie: "Anythynge You Want To" in a rare Los Angeles appearance at "A Classical Valentine", the Antaeus Company's February 12th Gala Celebration at the El Portal Theatre on 5267 Lankershim. The fun starts at 6:30 with a wine reception and gourmet dinner. Friends of Firesign can take advantage of special $75 tickets by
calling 818.506-8462.
"Peterson delights as the energetic, motor-mouthed sister." - "Relativity" reviewed by Dany Margolies in Back Stage West. Call 818.842-4755 for tix.
LAST LAUGHS Former acquaintance Sandy Baron, quirky actor and stand-up comic
born Sanford Beresofsky in Brooklyn, hung up his mike at the age of 64 due to emphysema. After receiving rave reviews for his portrayal of Lenny Bruce in
"Lenny" at Hollywood's Aquarius Theatre in 1972, those of us who knew him will never forget how he became distraught and disappeared when the coveted movie role was given to Dustin Hoffman. "I'm not just trying to play the soul of just Lenny or me," he explained after finally showing up unharmed, "I want to be a channel for my fellow comedians, for their pain and for their torture...trying to be funny before a thousand people a night." He appeared recently on "Seinfeld" and in about 20 films, including Woody Allen's "Broadway Danny Rose" as a kosher comic "who has seen too many sunrises through the murky filter of a cabaret's smoke." The smoke that kills. Also off the air is Deidre O'Donohugh, 52, found deceased in her
Santa Monica apartment. She was known for her delightful "Breakfast With
the Beatles" but was hosting "SNAP" (Saturday Night Avant Pop) on KCRW when I knew her. Tom Schnabel, longtime host of "Cafe L.A." described her as talented -- passionate about music, and opinionated." Many musicians will miss her.
"It's hard to be a saint in Los Angeles. Those of you who are saints know what I mean." - Dr. David Walker, "Science of Mind"
+++++++++++(FEBRUARY 1, 2001)++++++++++ * FIRESIGN SITE: www.firesigntheatre.com * FIRESIGN PRODUCT: www.lodestone-media.com * FUNNY TIMES: www.funnytimes.com
-- Have a magic day and pass it on. Magic Mike http://funandmagic.com/ Make $10-$20/hr., work at home http://homework4s.com/ The cleanest, cheapest water / 3 cents/min. phone. http://longdist.net/?phon4less High speed dial-up for free! Highspeedinfo
Subject: Stunning! Plane streaks across close-up of Sun Date: Tue, 30 Jan 2001 14:19:17 -0800 From: Magic Mike Berger <mmb Organization: http://funandmagic.com http:cleanestwater.com http:ld.net/?phon4less To: you
The way I see it, if you want the rainbow, you gotta put up with the rain. Dolly Parton
A French solar photographer noticed that from his apartment, planes were in flight patterns across the sun. He took a close-up in Hydrogen-Alpha light and the contrast was digitally enhanced. It's a stunning photo. See it, and Balsam Chicken and Creamy Chicken Potato recipes at http://funandmagic.com/ . And of course, after that water story yesterday, I'm glad I'm making all MY meals with filtered water. At 6 cents a gallon, I can drink a gallon of healthy water a day, which I do. And soup, tea, coffee and noodles taste a lot better. / I chuckled all through the short, "George Lucas In Love." Be sure to pay attention to all the background people, events, and noises. http://www.mediatrip.com/film/on_videodvd/glil.html . "The Critic" episode #4 is here. Do the pre-show trivia. http://shockwave.com/bin/shockwave/entry.jsp?content=critic04 . If you want to see old ones, change the number on the link. Here's "Faceball"!
http://shockwave.com/bin/shockwave/home/direct.jsp?vars=content..faceball..home..new..hilite..T..3
"The Dancing Cow" is another movie short http://www.mediatrip.com/film/movies_on_demand/979762773-25424.html
During a television interview in America, the writer, J.B. Priestley, was asked about American slang.
"I know of only two words of American slang," he said, "'swell' and 'lousy'. I think 'swell' is lousy, but 'lousy' is swell."
-=-=-=-=--=-=-=-=---=
I came down with laryngitis last week. This was the day our fifth-grade class was going on a field trip to the zoo, and I did not want to miss it. I went to school in spite of having lost my voice. The highlight of the visit to the zoo was the time we spent in the petting zoo.
While I was petting a baby Shetland Pony, my teacher asked, "How are you
feeling today?"
I responded, "I'm feeling a little horse."
-=--=-=-=-=-=-=-=--=-=
The Ten Commandments of Love
I. I am thy Main Squeeze; thou shalt squeeze no others before me. II. Thou shalt not take the name of they Squeeze in vain, nor badmouth me behind my back. III. Remember our Anniversary, and keep it holy. Or else. IV. Honor MY mother and father. THINE are too damn weird. V. Thou shalt not kill my love by behaving tackily and making me embarrassed to be seen with thee. VI. Thou shalt not commit adultery, nor shalt thou even THINK about it if thou knowest what's good for thee. VII. Thou shalt not steal from my purse/wallet while I am in thy bathroom, nor use my credit cards, nor make long-distance calls from my telephone. VIII. Thou shalt not talk about our personal problems to our friends. IX. Thou shalt not covet the higher market price of thy neighbor's house. X. Thou shalt not covet thy neighbor's Squeeze, nor son or daughter,
nor stereo, nor BMW.
---=--=-=-=-=-=-=-=
The madam had assembled some of her girls for the men in town for the pharmacists' convention. "This is Dolores," she smiled, "for $250 I can promise you an exciting evening starting with a hot tub."
"And this is Connie, available for $375. She's rigged an Oriental Swing in her room. Now lovely Maria," she continued "can be yours for both straight and kinky sex, including bondage. She's yours for the night for only $300."
"And if you take a fancy to tantalizing Jenny here, why she can..."
"Just a minute." interrupted one of the druggists. "Don't you have any generic sluts?"
--=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-
The mother of a problem child was advised by a psychiatrist, "You are far too upset and worried about your son. I suggest you take tranquillizers regularly." On her next visit the psychiatrist asked, "Have the tranquillizers calmed you down?" "Yes" the mother answered. "And how is your son now?" he asked. "Who cares?" she replied.
--=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-==
A man saw a sign in a clothing store which said "We sell everything!" The guy walked up to the clerk and asked her for some glass pants.
The woman replied, "Sorry sir we don't sell those".
The man argued that the sign stated that the store sold everything.
The woman remarked that glass pants did not even exist.
The man went to his home, and came back to the store wearing a pair of glass pants. The man said triumphantly, "See, I told you that they existed!"
The woman said, "At first I thought you were crazy.....but now I see you're nuts!"
=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-
Men, be more alert and cautious when getting a drink offer from a girl. Good girls out there, please forward this message to your guy friends. There is a new drug that is in liquid form.
The drug is now being used by female sexual predators at parties to induce their male victims to have sex with them. The shocking news is the drug is available virtually anywhere!
It goes by the street name "Beer."
All girls have to do is buy a "Beer" or two for almost any guy and then simply ask the guy home for no-strings-attached sex.
Men are rendered literally helpless against such tactics.
-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=
One day a guy was driving with his 4-year-old daughter and beeped his car horn by mistake.
She turned and looked at him for an explanation.
He said, "I did that by accident."
She replied, "I know that, daddy."
He replied, "How'd you know?"
The girl said, "Because you didn't say 'ASSHOLE!' afterwards!"
-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=
An Internal Revenue inspector walks into a synagogue and asks to see the rabbi. He is shown to the rabbi's office and is offered a seat. "Rabbi, I believe a member of your synagogue, Mr Klutz, states on his tax return that he has donated $100,000 to the synagogue. Tell me, Rabbi, is this correct?"
The Rabbi answers, "Yes, he will."
---=-=-=-=-=-=-=--=
"Injustice is relatively easy to bear; what stings is justice." -H. L. Mencken
--=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-
The First President Of The United States Of America (trivia)
Who was the first president of the United States of America? Seems like an easy question doesn't it? After all, most of us learned that George Washington was the first president of the United States of America. Technically though, John Hanson--not Washington--was the first president.
Although, in 1789, Washington became the first president of the United States under the United States Constitution, the United States existed since 1776, thirteen years before Washington became president. For eight
of those years, the United States was governed by the Articles of Confederation, which were adopted by Congress in 1777 and ratified by the states in 1781.
When the Congress met in 1781, it elected John Hanson its "President of the United States in Congress assembled." After the election, George Washington wrote Hanson to congratulate him on his "appointment to fill the most important Seat in the United States."
Today, Hanson is rarely remembered because his position carried little power and because the system of government that elected him was quickly replaced but now you know about the country's real first president.
-- Have a magic day and pass it on. Magic Mike http://funandmagic.com/ Make $10-$20/hr. Work at home http://homework4s.com/ The cleanest, cheapest water / 3 cents/min. phone. http://longdist.net/?phon4less high speed dial-up for free! Highspeedinfo
Subject: Fallen log and snake grass Date: Sat, 27 Jan 2001 10:57:06 -0800 From: Magic Mike Berger <mmb Organization: http://funandmagic.com http:cleanestwater.com http:ld.net/?phon4less To: you
Hi, Today's wallpaper is a wonderful art study of a large fallen log. Winding through the Cascade mountains northeast of Seattle is a wonderful road called the Mountain Loop Highway. The still waters of a small lake found along this route provided an opportunity for an abstract study of an old log extending into the lake, surrounded by outrageously green snake grass. New recipes added: Green Onion Sesame Biscuits Great Chicken Crockpot Stuffing Noodle and Creamed Corn Casserole I Hate Spinach Microwave Fudge Plaza III Steak Soup Genuine Sicilian Family Sauce Gladys Chocolate Chip Cookies Kugel Tuna Mix Have you ever tried brown sugar on hot rice? It's a real treat. I use brown rice. Sometimes I add raisons.
Soon I will scan my collection of reverse etchings by Virgil Finley, illustrator to H.P. Lovecraft and "Weird Tales". Speaking of weird tails, here is Kelsey Grammers "Gary The Rat" http://www.mediatrip.com/garytherat/about.html . Here is "The Critic", Episode two, very funny http://shockwave.com/bin/shockwave/entry.jsp?content=critic02 . and Stan Lee's "Evil Clone". Stan is creator of Marvel Comics. http://www.stanlee.net/webisodes/evil_clone/index.html .
ADAM TO EVE BEFORE THE GUESTS ARRIVE: Honey, did you put my pants in the salad again? (what guests? - mike)
-=--=-=-=--=--=
In bygone days, a thin man insulted a fat man. The fat man challenged his tormentor to a duel with pistols.
On the day of the duel a debate ensued about the unfair advantage held by the thin man because he was a much smaller target. Finally the thin man came up with a solution.
"Let the outline of my figure be chalked upon your body," he said to his
opponent, "and any shots of mine that hit outside the chalk lines, we won't count."
-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-
WHY DO GUYS DATE BIMBOS
10. Much easier to prove that you're superior. 9. Less likely to interrupt you with thoughts or opinions of their own. 8. Won't want you to cancel your plans to watch nude Jell-O wrestling to go see "Phantom of the Opera". 7. More impressed by the thickness of your wallet--even though it's stuffed with condoms instead of money. 6. Will let you send intimate pictures of them to Beaver Hunt. 5. They won't object to demeaning comments you make about them in front of 'the guys'. 4. They actually believe you when you say, "I love you for your mind and
personality -- now shut up and finish putting on that French maid outfit. 3. Don't understand computers well enough to access your files and read what you've been saying about them. 2. Their ability to comprehend spatial relationships is so poor that they really do believe that it's eight inches.
and the Number One Reason Men Date Bimbos Instead Of Nice Girls
1. They will put up with you.
-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=
Men have two emotions: Hungry and Horny. If you see him without a boner, make him a sandwich
-=-=--=-=-=--=-
As migration approached, two elderly vultures doubted they could make the trip south, so they decided to go by airplane. When they checked their baggage, the attendant noticed that they were carrying two dead raccoons.
"Do you wish to check the raccoons through as luggage?" he asked.
"No, thanks," replied one of the vultures. "They're carrion."
--=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=
After tucking their three-year-old child Sammy in for bed one night, his parents heard sobbing coming from his room. Rushing back in, they found him crying hysterically. He managed to tell them that he had swallowed a penny and he was sure he was going to die. No amount of talking helped.
His father, in an attempt to calm him down, palmed a penny from his pocket and pretended to pull it from Sammy's ear. Sammy was delighted. In a flash, he snatched it from his father's hand, swallowed
it, then cheerfully demanded,
"Do it again, Dad!"
-=--=-=-=-=-=-=-=-
A surgeon, an architect, and a politician were considering the question of whose profession was the oldest. "I think my line of work would win this one hands down," the surgeon said. "After all, Eve was created from Adam's rib, and that sounds like surgery to me." "Maybe," the architect said, "but before Adam, order was created out of chaos. That was architectural accomplishment." "Sure," the politician said. "But before that, someone had to create the chaos."
--=-=-=-=-=-=-=-
Woman phones up her husband at work for a chat.
HIM "I'm sorry dear but I'm up to my neck in work today."
HER "But I've got some good news and some bad news for you dear."
HIM "OK darling, but as I've got no time now, just give me the good news."
HER "Well, the air bag works."
-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=
I was working 11-7 in labor and delivery several years ago when we got a frantic call from the ECU that there was a Peds code occurring and would someone please come down quick? Although we couldn't understand why they were calling us instead of Peds nurses, we ran full tilt down to assist. Upon arrival we found not a Peds code but a young girl who had delivered a baby while sitting on the toilet!! She didn't realize that she had been pregnant and was admitted for intermittent abdominal pain for over 24 hours! Since she had denied that there was any chance of pregnancy when questioned during her admission, no one suspected that she may be pregnant and in active labor! She was even examined with a vaginal speculum by her pediatrician who documented that he had observed a large, black, hairy tumor!!!! What a surprise that hairy tumor turned out to be!!
-==-=-=-=-=-=-=-=
"I see you were last employed by a psychiatrist," said the employer to the applican't. "Why did you leave?"
"Well," she replied, "I just couldn't win. If I was late to work, I was hostile. If I was early, I had an anxiety complex. If I was on time, I was compulsive."
-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=
Thanks for the harmonica you gave me for Christmas," Little Johnny said to his uncle the first time he saw him after the holidays. "It's the best Christmas present I ever got." "That's great," said his uncle. "Do you know how to play it?" "Oh, I don't play it," Little Johnny said. "My mom gives me a dollar a day not to play it during the day and my dad gives me five dollars a week not to play it at night."
-=-=-=-=-=--=-=
A man walks into a bar, sits down and notices a table of poker players. Surprisingly, one of them is a dog. The dog has poker chips in front of him and is holding cards. The man asks the bartender, "Is the dog any good?" The bartender replies, "No. Everytime he gets a good hand, his tail wags." -- Have a magic day and pass it on. Magic Mike http://funandmagic.com/ Make $10-$20/hr., work at home http://homework4s.com/ The cleanest, cheapest water / 3 cents/min. phone. http://longdist.net/?phon4less high speed dial-up for free! Highspeedinfo
Subject: Evening Light on Ocean and Rocks, The Critic Date: Thu, 25 Jan 2001 10:25:39 -0800 From: Magic Mike Berger <mmb Organization: http://funandmagic.com http:cleanestwater.com http:ld.net/?phon4less To: you
Money can't buy happiness, but it sure makes misery easier to live with.
Today's wallpaper choice at Best Photo Of The Day is Evening Light on Ocean and Rocks. From a cliff near Sunset Bay State Park on the Oregon Coast, the elements of water, rock and light combined to produce a spectacular show of power and beauty. Today's recipe is Special Carrots dish. New additions are at the Insprations page. http://funandmagic.com/
Funny Shockwave Show - "The Critic" - Episode #1. Do some of the trivia before the movie. http://www.shockwave.com/bin/shockwave/entry.jsp?content=critic01
Because I have sources "on high", I've had sent to me George Bush's first draft of his inaugural address:
"My fellow Americans, I'm pleased to be standing here in front of you, ready to serve all Americans in the 46 states.
"I had to get up a little earlier than I planned this morning. You can bet your big Texas ass that the next time we do this inauguration thing I'll be scheduling it for about 4 in the afternoon.
"To my predecessor, President Clinton, all I can say is, you're a dog. A big ass horned dog. I've signed an Executive Order this morning which will fumigate the cigar smoke smell from the Oval Office and get those spots out of the carpet.
"To Senator Clinton, while you're on Capitol Hill screwing the American public, your husband's going to do the same. One lady at a time. State by state. All 52 of 'em.
"To my dad, President Bush, I've signed another Executive Order changing your name to 'Chester Finklebine.' It's going to be hard enough being the president of these 37 states without getting confused over which one of us I am.
"President Carter, don't you have a Humanity Habitat to build or something? Some peanuts to harvest? A third-world election to monitor or something? President Ford to trip down the stairs or something?
"Oh, I've got the cutest joke about President Reagan, who can't be here today, of course. It seems that Nancy got a call from the doctor who told her that Ronnie had either AIDS or Alzheimer's, but he couldn't remember which one. His advice was, 'If he finds his way home, don't fuck him.'
"Vice President Cheney will be handling all of the really hard work of the US Government, including writing down anyone's name who didn't laugh at my Reagan joke.
"Vice President Gore: Nyah Nyah Na Na Nyah! [note to self, do a little 'hamster dance' to gloat.]
"That's it. I've got some brush to clear on my ranch, and take a big-ass nap, so I'm taking off for a vacation right after this speech, and I'm leaving Dick in charge. Any of you in the 57 states who have a question, call Dick. Just don't forget who's really in charge."
-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=
I gaze at the brilliant full moon.
The same one, I think to myself, at which Socrates, Aristotle, and Plato gazed. Suddenly, I imagine they appear beside me.
I tell Socrates about the national debate over one's right to die and wonder at the constancy of the human condition.
I tell Plato that I live in the country that has come closest to Utopia and I show him a copy of the Constitution.
I tell Aristotle that we have found many more than four basic elements and I show him a periodic table.
Then I get a box of kitchen matches and strike one.
They gasp with wonder.
We spend the rest of the night lighting farts.
-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=
I know I'm not going to understand women. I'll never understand how you can take boiling hot wax, pour it onto your upper thigh, rip the hair out by the root, and still be afraid of a spider.
-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=
-=-=
Anyone who's ever ridden in a cab in Washington DC knows they're some of the world's most brazen drivers. Oddly enough though, their current accident rate isn't all that bad. I asked one of the drivers one day the reason for that.
"Easy," he said. "all the really bad drivers are dead now."
-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-
How do you know when you're on a Jewish golf course? The players don't yell "FORE!" they yell "$3.99!"
-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-
MUSICALS YOU DON'T WANT TO SEE...
11."Flat Cat on a Hot Black-Top"
10."Rats"
9."Nebraska"
8."The Phantom of the Soap Opera"
7."Bacon Grease"
6."Bleeding in the Rain"
5."Pimpin"
4."Jesus Christ Porn Star"
3."Joseph and the Amazing Technicolored Shoe Up His Ass"
2."Michael Jackson's LITTLE Shop of Boys"
1."The Sound of Muzak"
-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=--=-=-=-=
The lawyer cabled his client overseas: "Your mother-in-law passed away in her sleep. Shall we order burial, embalming or cremation?"
Back came the reply, "Take no chances -- order all three."
-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=
What's cooking?
WIFE: The 2 things I cook best are meatloaf and apple pie. HUSBAND: Which is this?
My family eats from the 3 basic food groups; canned, frozen and take-out.
WIFE: "You look tired, honey. How about a nice steak, mashed potatoes and an apple pie for dessert?" HUSBAND: "No thanks. I'm too tired. Let's just eat home."
Q: How can you tell if your mother-in-law is a good cook? A: If the pop-tart stays in one piece.
A THOUGHT: A woman who dresses to kill probably cooks the same.
NEWLYWED: Do you want dinner? SPOUSE: Sure, what are my choices? NEWLYWED: Yes and no.
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A girl phoned me and said, "Come on over there's nobody home." I went over - nobody was home !!
I could never get girls. So to fool my friends, I'd go to a drive in and do push ups in the back seat of the car.
My wife only has sex with me for a purpose. Last night she used me to time an egg.
=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=
There are only two reasons to sit in the back row of an airplane: Either
you have diarrhea, or you're anxious to meet people who do."
=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=
Judge: You are charged with throwing your mother-in-law out of your fourth-story window.
Defendant: I did it without thinking, your Honor.
Judge: Thats no excuse! Don't you see how dangerous it might have been for anyone passing at the time?
=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=
I saw a woman wearing a sweatshirt with 'Guess' on it. I said, "Thyroid problem?"
-- Have a magic day and pass it on. Magic Mike http://funandmagic.com/
Make $10-$20/hr., work at home http://homework4s.com/
The cleanest, cheapest water / 3 cents/min. phone. http://longdist.net/?phon4less high speed dial-up for free! Highspeedinfo
Subject: Sunset Bay State Park on the Oregon Coast Date: Wed, 24 Jan 2001 11:45:50 -0800 From: Magic Mike Berger <mmb Organization: http://funandmagic.com http:cleanestwater.com http:ld.net/?phon4less To: you
Today's wallpaper pick is sunset from a cliff near Sunset Bay State Park on the Oregon Coast. Today's recipe is Light Orange Julep Swordfish. http://funandmagic.com/
Why are the Japanese so smart? No blondes
-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=
On television my 88 year old stepfather and I saw an attractive woman wearing an evening gown with leg openings going all the way up to her waist.
"Why do they wear gowns like that?" he asked.
"Maybe that style makes their legs look longer," I speculated.
"No," he said," I think it makes the men look longer."
-==-=-=-=-=-
They say marriage is a contract. No, it's not. Contracts come with warrantees. When something goes wrong, you can take it back to the manufacturer. If your husband starts acting up, you can't take him back to his mama's house. "I don't know; he just stopped working. He's just laying around making a funny noise."
-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=
-=
Chocolate rules 1. If you've got melted chocolate all over your hands, you're eating it too slowly.
2. Chocolate covered raisins, cherries, orange slices & strawberries all count as fruit, so eat as many as you want.
3. The problem: How to get 2 pounds of chocolate home from the store in a hot car. The solution: Eat it in the parking lot.
4. Diet tip: Eat a chocolate bar before each meal. It'll take the edge off your appetite and you'll eat less.
5. If calories are an issue, store your chocolate on top of the fridge. Calories are afraid of heights, and they will jump out of the chocolate to protect themselves.
6. If I eat equal amounts of dark chocolate and white chocolate, is that a balanced diet? Don't they actually counteract each other?
7. Money talks. Chocolate sings.
8. Chocolate has many preservatives. Preservatives make you look younger.
9. Q. Why is there no such organization as Chocoholics Anonymous? A. Because no one wants to quit.
10. Put "eat chocolate" at the top of your list of things to do today. That way, at least you'll get one thing done.
11. A nice box of chocolates can provide your total daily intake of calories in one place. Isn't that handy?
12. If you can't eat all your chocolate, it will keep in the freezer. But if you can't eat all your chocolate, what's wrong with you?
-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=
My wife and I get along just great, except that she's a "backseat driver" second to none. After years of putting up with her pestering, I finally decided I'd had enough and advised her that I would no longer drive with
her in the car.
Later that day, on my way home from doing some Christmas shopping at the
mall, I heard my cell phone ring as I was merging onto a freeway. It was
my wife calling.
By chance, she had entered the freeway right behind me.
"Honey," she said, "your turn signal is still on. And put on your lights; it's starting to rain."
=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=
-
Last summer, when the power mower was broken and wouldn't run, I kept hinting to my husband that he ought to get it fixed, but somehow the message never sunk in.
Finally I thought of a clever way to make the point. When my husband arrived home that day, he found me seated in the tall grass, busily snipping away with a tiny pair of sewing scissors. He watched silently for a short time, then went into the house. He was gone only a few moments, and when he came out again he handed me a toothbrush.
"When you finish cutting the grass," he said, "you might as well sweep the sidewalks.
-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=
=
Look at the bright side -- in 10 years there will be radio stations playing classic rap.
-=-=-=-=-=-=-=--=-=
Rejected Country-Western Song Titles
13-- The Trailer Sure Seems Lonely Now That You and Our Nine Kids Are Gone
12-- You Can Take the Boy Outta the Country, but You Can't Take the Bullets Outta That Liberal City-Boy Who Just Cut Me Off in His Saab
11-- Smells Like Team Roping
10-- I Dropped the Bookcase On My Darlin' and Pleaded Shelf Defense
9-- (Her Bar Tab Is a) Leading Economic Indicator
8-- I Thought I Had Tourette's, But I Just Like Talkin' Dirty To You
7-- You're My Kleenex of Love, and I'm Afraid I'm Gonna Blow It
6-- Bacon and Eczema For Two
5-- Achy, Breaky, Hanky, Panky, Am I Drunk or Are You Skanky?
4-- The Ballad of Pretty Mouth Dan
3-- My Urine is A-Burnin', and You'd Better Believe I'm Pissed
2-- Tearstains on My Pillow Are the Only Wet Spots in My Bed
1-- I Can't Stop Thinkin' About Cowboys (And I'm a Cowboy, Too)
-- Have a magic day and pass it on. Magic Mike http://funandmagic.com/
Make $10-$20/hr., work at home http://homework4s.com/
The cleanest, cheapest water / 3 cents/min. phone. http://longdist.net/?phon4less high speed dial-up for free! Highspeedinfo
Subject: Cool Planetary Nebula, Planet Proctor Date: Tue, 23 Jan 2001 09:44:36 -0800 From: Magic Mike Berger <mmb To: you
Hi, There is a great wallpaper photo, of the expelled outer layer of a star, waiting for you at my Photo Of The Day Page. New recipes have been posted. One is Annette Funicello's Steak In A Bag and the other is Slow Cooked Bavarian Pot Roast. Also there are new additions to the Inspiration page. http://funandmagic.com/ Phil's Planet Proctor on Hollyweird Orbits the bottom. Have you looked at the cheap long distance and water filters yet? Don't make me come over there!
Psychiatrist: "Boy, my feet have been sore for the whole morning." Nurse: "It might be something to do with your wife's high heels." Psychiatrist: "What do they have to do with my feet?" Nurse: "You have been wearing them since you came in!"
-=--=-==-=-=-=--=-=-=
Two youngsters were walking home from Sunday School, each deep in his own thoughts. Finally one said, "What do you think about all this devil business we studied today?"
The other boy replied thoughtfully, "Well, you know how Santa Claus turned out. This is probably just your Dad, too."
-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=---=
"It's just a cold," the doctor said. "There is no cure, and you'll just have to live with it until it goes away."
"But Doctor," the patient whined, "it's making me so miserable."
The doctor rolled his eyes toward the ceiling. Then he said, "Look, go home and take a hot bath. Then put a bathing suit on and run around the block three or four times."
"What!" the patient exclaimed. "I'll get pneumonia!"
"We have a cure for pneumonia," the doctor said.
-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=
On the first day of college, the Dean addressed the students, pointing out some of the rules. "The female dormitory will be out-of-bounds for all male students, and the male dormitory to the female students. Anybody caught breaking this rule will be fined $40 the first time."
He continued, "Anybody caught breaking this rule the second time will be fined $90. Being caught a third time will incur a hefty fine of $200. Are there any questions?"
At this, a male student in the crowd inquires, "How much for a season pass?"
-==-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-
Little Sandy was with her father when they stopped by the beauty shop to
pick-up her Mom. She wasn't quite ready, so they sat down and waited.
Without any warning, Sandy goes over to her mom's stylist and blurts out, "My Daddy says you're a fairy. May I see your magic wand?"
-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-
Things you won't read on Hallmark cards
FRONT: As the days go by, I think of how lucky I am INSIDE: That you're not here to ruin it for me.
FRONT: If I get only one thing for Christmas, INSIDE: I hope it's your friend.
FRONT: Congratulations on your promotion. INSIDE: Before you go though, would you like to take this knife out of my back? You'll probably need it again.
FRONT: I've always wanted to have someone to hold, someone to love. INSIDE: After having met you, I've changed my mind.
FRONT: I must admit, you brought Religion in my life. INSIDE: I never believed in Hell 'till I met you.
FRONT: Looking back over the years that we've been together, I can't help but wonder: INSIDE: What the f___k was I thinking?
FRONT: I always wanted to be rich, powerful, and well respected. INSIDE: And while I'm dreaming, I wish you weren't so damn ugly.
FRONT: Sex with you is like using drugs: INSIDE: Lots of people do it, but nobody's stupid enough to admit it.
FRONT: When we were together, you always said you'd die for me. INSIDE: Now that we've broken up, I think it's time you kept your promise.
FRONT: The holidays are a great time to be with family. INSIDE: Of course, your family won't be with you, since I'm taking the kids and moving in with my sister, you cheating bastard!
FRONT: We have been friends for a very long time, INSIDE: let's say we call it quits.
FRONT: I'm so miserable without you, INSIDE: it's almost like you're here.
FRONT: If you ever need a friend... INSIDE: buy a dog.
FRONT: Congratulations on your new bundle of joy. INSIDE: Did you ever find out who the father was?
-=-=-=--=-=-=-=-=-=-=
Subject: PP 2001.02 Date: Sat, 20 Jan 2001 23:36:43 -0500 From: phil proctor <PProctor@compuserve.com To: 3 <pproctor@compuserve.com
((((((((((((((((((((( PLANET PROCTOR 2001.02 - http://www.planetproctor.com
"We trade our dreams for what we call wisdom. I wonder if it is a good trade." - Charles Dickens, "David Copperfield"
THE ANTAENS WHO HAVE ALL THE PLUCK The Antaeus Company has garnered three nominations from the L.A.
Weekly for our production of Arthur Miller's "The Man Who had All the Luck" presented last year to rave reviews and national recognition at the Ivy Sub Station in Culver City, as Best Revival, Leading Male Performance (Paul Gutrecht), and Supporting Male Performance (Marcelo Tubert). The awards presentation will be held at the L.A. Theater Center on April 29th, and we'll all be there to accept our trophies. I only regret
that our brilliant director and indeed, the man responsible for the reincarnation of this remarkable and unappreciated gem, was not specifically honored with a nomination of his own; so I'll do it: "Dan Fields -- we love you." And our publicist Steve Moyer writes that "Luck" has been selected for Honorable Mention as "Production of the Year" for the Garland 2000 Awards by Back Stage West. Congratulations to (us) all!
"President-elect George W. Bush edged out "Harry Potter" author J.K.
Rowling by a slim 23 vote margin among children for Time magazine's Person of the Year. Rowling called for a recount, claiming many of the children couldn't punch through the ballots using crayons." - From Patty Paul
TOP TEN ITEMS ON PRESIDENT BUSH'S TO-DO LIST 10) Hook up nuclear launch button to The Clapper. 9) Authorize new presidential anthem: "Hail to the Chad." 8) Message to Wheaties people: "Hey guys, how about it? My face, your box." 7) Order copy of "Presidents for Dummies." 6) Keep distance from Cheney...don't want to catch heart disease. 5) Start mending fences with Democrats - Appoint Gore "Secretary of Losers." 4) Avoid smoking any cigars left behind by Clinton. 3) Deliver speech at inauguration: "I have a dream...then I wake up." 2) As soon as possible, have transitional team meet with Martin Sheen.
1) Now that all the bickering is over, gracefully bow out.
"If Laura Bush wanted her gown to truly reflect the tone of this inaugural, she ought to have shoplifted it." - San Francisco Chronicle, from Canyongirl
CRACK YOUR CHEEKS "Dear Abby, I am a crack dealer in New Jersey who has recently been diagnosed as a carrier of the HIV virus. My parents live in a suburb of Philadelphia and one of my sisters, who lives in Bensenville, is married to a transvestite. My father and mother have recently been arrested for growing and selling marijuana and are currently dependent on my other, two sisters who are prostitutes in Jersey City. "I have two brothers. One is currently serving a non-parole life
sentence in Attica for murder of a teenage boy in 1994. The other brother is currently being held in the Wellington Remand Center on charges of neglecting his three children. I have recently become engaged to marry a
former Thai prostitute who lives in the Bronx and, indeed, is still a part-time "working girl" in a brothel. "Her time there is limited, however, as we hope to open our own brothel with her as the working manager. I am hoping my two sisters would be interested in joining our team. Although I would prefer them not to prostitute themselves, it would get them off the street, and, hopefully,
the heroin. My problem is this: I love my fiance' and look forward to bringing her into the family, and of course, I want to be totally honest
with her. "Should I tell her about my cousin who voted for Bush? Signed, Worried About My Reputation"
"Hail To The Thief!" and "Putsch Is Not My President!" - Bush protest signs
IT REALLY IS RELATIVE LA Times critic Jana J. Monji described Mark Stein's "Relativity" as a "linguistic and emotional maze...[with] clever verbal twists and turns that subtly change like an Esher drawing..." While Pat Taylor of the Tolucan Times says, "Written with riotous dialogue and a wild imagination...this wacky, raunchy comedy gives family dysfunction a whole new dimension...The audience falls apart in laughter time and time again! "Under the fast paced, well timed, high energy direction of Patricia Lee Willson, the whole cast of five gives terrific performances...As Audrey, Melinda Peterson gives a hilarious and spirited performance...I laughed my bum off! This play is a total goof...a mind twisting, rollicking good time." Guess which critic got the message? "Relativity" plays Thursday through Saturdays til March 3 at The
Third Stage, 2811 W. Magnolia Blvd. in Burbank. Call 818.842-4755, or email me with your number of reservations at $12 a person for the rapidly filling "Groundhog Day" Theater Party, Friday, February 2nd and enjoy our after show wine-n-hog reception with Winter or Spring wine.
"Civilization can, in a certain sense, be reduced to the word "Welcome." - From Ken Burns PBS "JAZZ" series
WELL, DRINKS Seven New York City bartenders were asked if they could nail . . . a woman's personality based on her drinks, and interviewed separately they concurred on almost all counts. * Beer - Casual,low-maintenance, down-to-earth. Challenge her to a pool game. * Blender Drinks - Flaky, whiny, annoying; a pain in the ass. Avoid her unless you want to be her cabin boy. * Mixed Drinks - Older, refined, high maintenance and very picky. If she's interested, she'll send YOU a drink. * Wine (except White Zinfandel) - Conservative and classy; sophisticated, yet a giggler. Tell her you love travel and quiet evenings with friends.
* White Zinfandel - Thinks she is classy and sophisticated, actually hasn't a clue. An easy target if you make her feel smarter than she probably is. * Shots - Easiest hit in the joint. Likes to hang with frat-boys and get totally drunk and naked. Nothing to do but wait. (But don't make her mad!) And the guys? * Domestic Beer: He's poor and wants to get laid. * Imported Beer: He likes good beer and wants to get laid. * Wine: He's hoping for a sophisticated image to help him get laid. * Whiskey: He doesn't give a hoot about anything but getting laid. * Tequila: He's thinking he has a chance -- with the toothless waitress. * White Zinfandel: He's gay. (From Dan2sevush)
"When the free market rules in the world of art, you don't get Beethoven and Bach, you get Beavis and Butthead." - Pieter Breitner
DON'T STICK YOUR NECK OUT So this old guy says, "You know, this Bush? What he is, is a post turtle." His friend says, "What the hell's a post turtle?" "Well, let's say you're driving down a country road and you see a turtle balanced on a fence post. That's a post turtle. You know he didn't get there by himself, he doesn't belong there, he can't get anything done while he's up there, and you just want to help the poor thing down." The friend says, "Back in Texas, we'd just throw a rock at it." (Garry Goodrow)
"A resident reported seeing either a hawk or a hog on the telephone pole." - From Los Alimitos News-Enterprise police log in Steve Harvey's "Only in L.A."
FIRST PUN OF THE THIRD MILLENNIUM A mechanic who worked out of his home had a dog named "Mace" who
had the bad habit of eating all the grass on the lawn, so the mechanic had to keep Mace locked up, and the yard became overgrown. One day, while working on a car in his backyard as evening approached he dropped his wrench, which immediately disappeared in the tall grass. That very night, Mace escaped from the house and ate all the grass in the backyard. Early the next morning, the mechanic went outside and discovered
his lost wrench glinting in the sunlight! Realizing what had happened he
looked up the heavens and proclaimed, "A grazing Mace, how sweet the hound, that saved a wrench for me!" (From the cursed Gary Margolis)
"Hell No, I'm Not A Stunt Driver! I'm Drunk!" - Jerry Jeff Walker's bumper sticker
STILL DRIVING ME DAMM MADD! On the first of this month, 37-year-old Ira Member was innocently crossing the street when he was run over by a man trying to drive while squirting one of those little plastic packages of mayonnaise onto a rare
roast beef sandwich. Seeking someone to share her grief, Ira's mother Mona attended a
meeting of "Mothers Against Drunk Drivers" (or MADD) only to be booted out because the guy driving the car that killed her son wasn't drunk. Incensed, Mona has now formed "Mothers Against Drivers Who Try To Squirt One Of Those Little Plastic Packages Of Mayonnaise Onto A Rare Roast Beef Sandwich" (or MADWTTSOOTLPPOMOARRBS). Membership has soared, putting the local chapter of MADD out of business. "Serves them right" says Mona. (Michael Dare)
"I thought DAMM was mothers against dyslexia." - Bill Johnson & Tim Tuffield
BARNEY NO BLARNEY Start with the given: "Cute Purple Dinosaur". Change all U's to V's for proper Latin, giving you:"CVTE PVRPLE DINOSAVR" Extract all the Roman Numerals: "C V V L D I V" Convert that into Arabic numerical values and you get: 100+5+5+50+500+1+5 which adds up to "666". Ergo, "Barney is Satan."
"I know it sounds glib, but if a James Bond movie has the effect of making one more violent, why doesn't a 'Seinfeld' episode make one funnier?" - John McNamara, executive producer of "The Fugitive"
SPIKE AT KNIGHT Dalya Alberge writes from London that along with American director Stephen Speilberg, writer/comedian and legendary "Goon" Spike Milligan, has also received an honorary knighthood, to which he exclaimed: "Help!" Milligan was born in India 82 years ago but had to adopt his Irish parents' nationality after becoming "a man without a state" due to bizarre immigration laws. Showing up at the Irish Embassy, he said, "My name's Spike Milligan, can I have a passport?" To which the bemused official replied, "Oh yes! We're short of people." Besides his fame as writer and performer on the surreal radio program "The Goon Show" with Peter Sellers, Spike is a recognized poet whose nonsense verse "Ning Nang Nong" was voted top comic poem in 1999. Many years ago, Peter Bergman had the distinct pleasure of writing with him in the U.K., and the Goons have long been a source of inspiration to The Firesign Theatre. Bravo, Sir Spike!
"I don't read other people's humor too much. If you are thinking up humor, you don't want other people's ideas rattling around your head." -
Harry Shearer in "Tech Times"
LIFE ON MARS "I've been on this job for 15 years and in that time I have read
thousands of scripts and maybe 6 or 7 have been good - but yours, yours is the best I have ever read so far! The action is non-stop, the characters
are beautifully delineated and track perfectly all the way through, the motivations are honest and real, each act break is organic and never feels manufactured to be a false ending for a commercial, the humor is witty, the arc of the story is flawless... Unfortunately, all we're buying this year is crap." This is just one of the mind-boggling, hilarious and real "Memos TV Execs Wish They Hadn't Written" as compiled by Leonard B. Stern and Diane L. Robison in "A Martian Wouldn't Say That!!", Tallfellow Press. The little book was so popular when it was first released in 1994 that Leonard recently put out this new edition, dedicated to the late, great Roger "Droodles" Price as "One of a kind . . . of which there was no kind." Available at all good bookstores. And on Mars.
"The only thing Californians read is the license plate in front of them." - Neil Simon
A GA-GA GALA And finally, for those of you who reside in sunny California, the land of rolling stops, rolling earth and rolling blackouts, the previously mentioned multi-honored Antaeus Classical Theatre Company is preparing to present our Tenth Anniversary Gala Celebration, "A Classical Valentine" at the newly restored El Portal Theatre, 5267 Lankershim Boulevard in North
Hollywood, on Monday, February 12 starting at 6:30 with a wine reception
and gourmet dinner and followed by entertainment from our Broadway, stage and screen stars AND a special appearance by The Firesign Theatre!!! We're also honoring Dr. Barry Kohn for his philanthropic services to the entertainment industry and are raising funds to construct our own
theatre space at New Place. It's a tax-deductable $125 per person, and if you can be there or contribute to the cause, please call (818) 506-8462,
and say "Phil sent ya!"
"Even in the most naturalistic parts, I'm always searching for a mask,
because a mask is liberating. For an actor, giving yourself over to something that feels outside of yourself is the purest kind of performing." - Actor William Dafoe at Cannes
+++++++++++(JANUARY 20, 2001)++++++++++ * FIRESIGN SITE: www.firesigntheatre.com * FIRESIGN PRODUCT: www.lodestone-media.com * FUNNY TIMES: www.funnytimes.com
PLANET PROCTOR (C) 2001 by Phil Proctor
--=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=---=-=
Have a magic day and pass it on. Magic Mike http://funandmagic.com/
/
The cleanest, cheapest water, 6 cents/gallon / 3 cents/min. phone. Best rate calculator http://longdist.net/?phon4less Ask about high speed cable dial-up for free! Highspeedinfo
Subject: Yellow tulip in sea of red Date: Sat, 20 Jan 2001 12:27:17 -0800 From: Magic MIke Berger <mmb Organization: http://funandmagic.com To: you
"It often happens that I wake at night and begin to think about a serious problem and decide I must talk to the Pope about it. Then I wake
up completely and remember that I am the Pope."- Pope John XXIII
Hi, Today's wallpaper is a yellow tulip in a sea of red tulips. What makes this photo outstanding is the power of a sole individual doing something different then everyone else. See the Photo Of The Day at http://funandmagic.com/ .
"If you want others to be happy, practice compassion. If you want to be happy, practice compassion." -Dali Lama
-=-==-=-=-=-=-=-
"Happiness is never stopping to think if you are."
-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=--=
[RING]
"Hello?"
"God, please."
"Hold one." Sound of footsteps. Muffled voices. An extension being picked up. "God. What?"
"What do You mean, 'what'? Aren't You all knowing? Don't You know what I'm calling about?"
"I know what you THINK you're calling about. But it gets too freaky if I were to answer the phone, 'No, you can't have that.'"
"Is that Your final answer? No?"
"Who are you going to appeal to?"
"Look, I'll give You the glory!"
"No."
"I'll tell everyone that it was Your divine work that made it all possible."
"No."
"C'mon, God, I don't ask for a whole lot. There was that time where I asked for the little blonde's bra strap to break. You didn't grant that one."
"I did. It did. But she was underwater when it happened so, you didn't get to see anything."
"That's the way the Devil works!"
"Whom do you think *taught* the Devil?"
"Look, this is real simple what I'm asking. Just a couple of times a week."
"No."
"You wrote that whole Bible and, yet, when I ask for just a couple of columns a week from You, you say 'no'. You could put out some new chapters. Maybe even a whole new book! I'll publish 'em! I won't even run ads on the days You're a guest columnist! I won't even say, 'Goddamn', on those days! Imagine the title: "God's Joke A Day -- Read This Or Your Computer Will Be Hit With A Plague Of Locusts!"
"No."
"God's Joke A Day -- Top Five Reasons To Get Your Ass In Church -- NOW!"
"No."
"God's Joke A Day -- In The Beginning, There Was Judi, and it was Dumb."
"No."
"God's Joke A Day -- The Straight Dope answers, 'Just How Far *Could* God Throw Cleveland Into Outer Space?'"
"No."
"God's Joke A Day -- Thou Shalt Have No Other Dweebs Before Me!"
"No."
"God's Joke A Day -- Making Fun Of Mormons Since 1997BC!"
"No. But I like that one."
"Do I need an agent?"
"You need to talk to Lucifer about agents. They're all his. Along with the lawyers. And book publishers."
"That explains a lot. Well, Goddamn."
"What?"
"I mean, 'goshdarn'. Look, how about if You just let me *pretend* I got inspiration from You to write a column?"
"Suit yourself. Look, I've got a universe to run, prayers to answer. What else did you want?"
"Well, while You're asking . . ."
"No."
-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=
A blonde was having trouble with her computer. So she called the computer guy, over to her desk. He clicked a couple buttons and solved the problem. As he was walking away she called after him,
"So, what was wrong?"
And he replied,
"It was an ID ten T error."
A puzzled expression ran riot over Julie's face.
"An ID ten T error?" What's that in case I need to fix it again?"
He gave her a grin.
"Haven't you ever seen an ID ten T error before?"
"No."
"Write it down," he said, "and I think you'll figure it out."
I D 1 0 T
-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=
Driving home from church one Sunday, the father tuned the radio to a country and western station.
"How can you stand that stuff?" complained his 16-year-old son. "It's all about lonesome cowboys, gunfights and broken hearts."
Knowing he preferred rock 'n' roll, the dad asked, "Well, what's your music about?"
"That's the beauty of it," the son said. "You just don't know!"
--------- Have a magic day and pass it on. Magic Mike http://funandmagic.com/
/
The cleanest, cheapest water, 6 cents/gallon / 3 cents/min. phone. Best rate calculator http://longdist.net/?phon4less Ask about high speed cable dial-up for free! Highspeedinfo
Subject: NW waterfalls Date: Wed, 17 Jan 2001 18:52:20 -0800 From: Magic MIke Berger <mmb Organization: http://funandmagic.com To: you
Hi, Here is a wonderful waterfall in the woods in The Olympic National Park. Enter http://funandmagic.com/ and go to Photo Of The Day. A widdle birdie told me that The Firesign Theater will have an audio CD out on their 25th Anniversary Tour, which opened here in Seattle. Then a video will be released. We'll be looking forward to those picmissions.
BUMP OR STICK
1.Disney gave us Mickey, Florida gave us Dumbo. 2.Bush trusts the people, unless it involves counting. 3.George W. Bush: The President Quayle We Never Had. 4.The last time someone listened to a Bush, people wandered around the desert for 40 years. 5.Campaign Spending: $184,000,000. Having your little brother rig the election for you: Priceless. 6.Gore: If you had only cheated on your wife.... 7.Nader: Don't waste your vote, get wasted and go vote. 8.To you I'm a drunk driver. To everyone else, I'm presidential material.
--=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=
When I arrived for my daughter's parent-teacher conference, the teacher seemed a bit flustered, especially when she started telling me that my little girl didn't always pay attention in class and was sometimes a little flighty. "For example, she'll do the wrong page in the workbook," the teacher explained, "and I've even found her sitting in the wrong desk."
"I don't understand that," I replied defensively. "Where could she have gotten that?"
The teacher went on to reassure me that my daughter was still doing fine in school and was sweet and likeable. Finally, after a pause, she added, "By the way, Mrs. Johnson, our appointment was for tomorrow."
--=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=
Anagrams
An anagram, as you all know, is a word of phrase made by or rearranging the letters of another word or phrase. The following are exceptionally clever. Someone out there either has way too much time to waste or is deadly at Scrabble.
Word: Princess Diana When you rearrange the letters: End Is A Car Spin
Word: Year Two Thousand When you rearrange the letters: A Year To Shut Down
Word: Dormitory When you rearrange the letters: Dirty Room
Word: Desperation When you rearrange the letters: A Rope Ends It
Word: The Morse Code When you rearrange the letters: Here come Dots
Word: Slot Machines When you rearrange the letters: Cash Lost in 'em
Word: Animosity When you rearrange the letters: Is No Amity
Word: Mother-in-law When you rearrange the letters: Woman Hitler
Word: Snooze Alarms When you rearrange the letters: Alas! No More Z's
Word: Alec Guinness When you rearrange the letters: Genuine Class
Word: Semolina When you rearrange the letters: Is No Meal
Word: The Public Art Galleries When you rearrange the letters: Large Picture Halls, I Bet
Word: A Decimal Point When you rearrange the letters: I'm a Dot in Place
Word: The Earthquakes When you rearrange the letters: That Queer Shake
Word: Eleven plus two When you rearrange the letters: Twelve plus one
Word: Contradiction When you rearrange the letters: Accord not in it
Word: Astronomer When you rearrange the letters: Moon Starer
-- Have a magic day and pass it on. Magic Mike http://funandmagic.com/
/
The cleanest, cheapest water, 6 cents/gallon / 3 cents/min. phone. Best rate calculator http://longdist.net/?phon4less Ask about high speed cable dial-up for free! Highspeedinfo
Subject: Light on Mt. Rainier Date: Mon, 15 Jan 2001 20:48:17 -0800 From: Magic MIke Berger <mmb Organization: http://funandmagic.com To: you
Hi, Today's wallpaper is a tour of the NorthWest and it starts with Mount Rainier. See first light on the mountain by entering http://funandmagic.com/ and go to Photo Of The Day.
Seattle Bumpersticker: Read My Lips! No New Texans!
He who knows that he is mad is close to sanity.
Eccentricity is like having an accent. It's what other people have.
In individuals insanity is rare, but in groups, parties, nations, and epochs. It is the rule.
Sensible people regard nothing as useless.
Where none admire, it is useless to excel
The more things a man is ashamed of, the more respectable he is.
The foolish and the dead alone never change their opinions
Better an ugly face, than an ugly mind
Respectable means rich, Decent means poor.
It is human nature to hate those, who we have injured.
A fool must be right now and then, by chance.
The Hobson's choice- Take that or none at all.
The most predictable thing about the stock market is the number of experts who take credit for predicting it.
Television can give us so much, except time to think.
Beyond talent lie all the usual words: discipline, love, luck - but, most of all, hard work & endurance.
This is an age in which one cannot find common sense, without a search warrant for it.
Gossip is just news running ahead of itself in a red satin dress.
No one should be allowed to play the violin, unless he has mastered it.
"How do you do" is a greeting, and not a question.
Foolproof systems do not take into account the ingenuity of fools
Fool Proof systems are not foolsproof
The difference between reality and fiction? Fiction has to make sense.
Truth hurts - not the searching after; the running from!
Imitation is the best form of flattery. Get flattered, and sue him for Plagiarism.
You can't run back the clock, but you can wind it up again
Scratch a dog and you will find a permanent employment
-=-=--=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=
When my son was in preschool and one of the students became ill with chicken pox, the teacher asked if anyone else had ever had chicken pox.
He raised his hand and said, "No, but I've had Cocoa Pops."
-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=--=-=
Little Johnny sat in class mooning and looking at the teacher soulfully.
Finally the young teacher came over and said, "What's the matter, Johnny?"
He said, "I'm in love with you."
The teacher said. "I'm young, and eventually I'll marry, Johnny, but I don't want a kid."
And little Johnny said, "That's all right, Teacher; I"ll be careful."
-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=
An English teacher at Iowa State University spent a lot of time marking grammatical errors in her students' written work. She wasn't sure how much impact she was having until one overly busy day when she sat at her desk
rubbing her temples.
A student asked, "What's the matter, Mrs. Sheridan?"
"Tense," she replied, describing her emotional state.
After a slight pause the student tried again, "What was the matter? What
has been the matter? What might have been the matter?"
=-=-=-=-=--=-=-=---=-=
A group of young children was sitting in a circle with their teacher. She was going around in turn asking them all questions. "Davy, what noise does a cow make?"
"It goes moo, Miss."
"Alice, what noise does a cat make?"
"It goes meow, Miss."
"Jamie, what sound does a lamb make?"
"It goes baaa, Miss."
"Jennifer, what sound does a mouse make?"
"Errr.., it goes.. click!"
Cleanest water for 6 cents a gallon / Cheapest long distance, cell phones, pager, and Internet http://ld.net/?phon4less Make money surfing http://funandmagic.com/paid2surf.htm
Subject: (cleaned) Cat'a Eye, Planet Proctor in Hollyweird Date: Sat, 13 Jan 2001 10:57:28 -0800 From: Magic MIke Berger <mmb Organization: http://funandmagic.com To: you <you
Hi, I featured the Cat's Eye Nebula before. This newly released photo combines the famous Hubble with new X-Ray data from the orbiting Chandra
Observatory. "It's a beaut, no it's a mound, and right pretty too!" Enter http://funandmagic.com/ and go to Photo Of The Day. Speaking of the Firesign Theater, (was I? only Firesigner with a Doctor Memory like mine would know) Phil sends his latest Planet Proctor
and informs me that they may or may not be having a new CD out soon. Or later. I told them them should do some farce about Florida and The Election. About ten new recipes added to the the Recipe page. Have you tried my
Travel Page when someone you know is flying? See where there plane is on
the map and the flight status. People are signing up for long distance and clean water. What are YOU
waiting for? http://ld.net/?phon4less / .
I don't know if this is true or a tall tale. It comes from Texas. So take it with a grain of salt, but you can't help but laugh.....
Green Garden Grass snakes can be dangerous, Yes, grass snakes, not rattlesnakes.
A couple in Sweetwater, Texas had a lot of potted plants, and during a recent cold spell, the wife was bringing in a lot of them indoors to protect them from a possible freeze. It turned out that a little green garden grass snake was hidden in one of the plants and when it had warmed up, it slithered out and the wife saw it go under the sofa. She let out a very loud scream.
The husband who was taking a shower ran out into the living room naked to see what the problem was.
She told him there was a snake under the sofa. He got down on the floor
on his hands and knees to look for it. About that time the family dog came and cold-nosed him in the butt.
He thought the the snake had bitten him, so he fainted.
His wife thought he had a heart attack, so she called an ambulance.
The attendants rushed in and loaded him on the stretcher and started carrying him out. About that time the snake came out from under the sofa, the Emergency Medical Technician saw it and dropped his end of the stretcher.
That's when the man broke his leg and why he is in the hospital.
The wife still had the problem of the snake in the house, so she called on a neighbor man.
He volunteered to capture the snake. He armed himself with a rolled-up newspaper and began poking under the couch.
Soon he decided it was gone and told the woman, who sat down on the sofa
in relief. But in relaxing, her hand dangled in between the cushions, where she felt the snake wriggling around.
She screamed and fainted, the snake rushed back under the sofa, and the neighbor man seeing her laying there passed out tried to use CPR to revive her.
The neighbor's wife, who had just returned from shopping at the grocery store, saw her husband's mouth on the woman's mouth and slammed her husband in the back of the head with a bag of canned goods, knocking him out and cutting his scalp to a point where it needed stitches.
An ambulance was again called and it was determined that the injury required hospitalization.
The noise woke the woman from her dead faint and she saw her neighbor lying on the floor with his wife bending over him, so she assumed he had been bitten by the snake. She went to the kitchen, brought back a small bottle of whiskey, and began pouring it down the man's throat.
By now the police had arrived. They saw the unconscious man, smelled the whiskey, and assumed that a drunken fight had occurred. They were about to arrest them all, when the two women tried to explain how it all happened over a little green snake. They called an ambulance, which took away the neighborand his sobbing wife.
Just then the little snake crawled out from under the couch, One of the police men drew his gun and fired at it. He missed the snake and hit the leg of the end table that was on one side of the sofa. The table fell over and the lamp on it shattered and as the bulb broke, it started a fire in the
drapes. The other policeman tried to beat out the flames and fell through the window into the yard on top of the family dog, who startled, jumped up and raced out into the street, where an oncoming car swerved to avoid it and smashed into the parked police car and set it on fire.
Meanwhile the burning drapes had spread to the walls and the entire house was blazing. Neighbors had called the fire department and the arriving fire-truck had started raising his ladder as they were halfway down the street. The rising ladder tore out the overhead wires and put out the electricity and disconnected the telephones in a ten-square city block area.
Time passed.
Both men were discharged from the hospital, The house was re-built, The police acquired a new car, and all was right with their world About a year later they were watching TV and the weatherman announced a cold snap for that night. The husband asked his wife if she thought they should bring in their plants for the night.
--=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=
-=
"How was your golf game, dear?" asked Jack's wife Tracy.
"Well, I was hitting pretty well, but my eyesight's gotten so bad I couldn't see where the ball went."
"But you're seventy-five years old, Jack!" admonished his wife, "Why don't you take my brother Scott along?"
"But he's eighty-five and doesn't even play golf anymore," protested Jack.
"But he's got perfect eyesight. He could watch your ball," Tracy pointed
out.
The next day Jack teed off with Scott looking on. Jack swung, and the ball disappeared down the middle of the fairway.
"Do you see it?" asked Jack.
"Yup," Scott answered.
"Well, where is it?" yelled Jack, peering off into the distance.
"I forgot."
=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-==-
Mark Twain once said that at the age of fourteen, he was convinced that his parents were among the stupidest people on the face of the earth. When he reached twenty-one, he was amazed at how much they had learned in only seven short years.
-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-
The strong young man at the construction site was bragging that he could outdo anyone in a feat of strength. He made a special case of making fun of one of the older workmen. After several minutes, the older worker had had enough.
"Why don't you put your money where your mouth is," he said. "I will bet a week's wages that I can haul something in a wheelbarrow over to that outbuilding that you won't be able to wheel back."
"You're on, old man," the braggart replied. "Let's see what you got."
The old man reached out and grabbed the wheelbarrow by the handles. Then, nodding to the young man, he said, "All right. Get in."
=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=--=
While making rounds, a doctor points out an X-ray to a group of medical students.
"As you can see," she says, "the patient limps because his left fibula and tibia are radically arched. Michael, what would you do in a case like this?"
"Well," ponders the student, "I suppose I'd limp too."
=---=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=
The 5 Stages Of Drunkenness
Stage 1 - SMART This is when you suddenly become an expert on every subject in the known Universe. You know everything and want to pass on your knowledge to anyone who will listen. At this stage you are always RIGHT. And of course the person you are talking to is very WRONG. This makes for an interesting argument when both parties are SMART.
Stage 2 - GOOD LOOKING This is when you realize that you are the BEST LOOKING person in the entire bar and that people fancy you. You can go up to a perfect stranger knowing they fancy you and really want to talk to you. Bear in mind that you are still SMART, so you can talk to this person about any subject under the sun.
Stage 3 - RICH This is when you suddenly become the richest person in the world. You can buy drinks for the entire bar because you have an armored truck full of money parked behind the bar. You can also make bets at this stage, because of course, you are still SMART, so naturally you will win all your bets. It doesn't matter how much you bet because you are RICH. You will also buy drinks for everyone that you fancy, because now you are the BEST LOOKING person in the world.
Stage 4 - BULLET PROOF You are now ready to pick fights with anyone and everyone especially those with whom you have been betting or arguing. This is because nothing can hurt you. At this point you can also go up to the partners of the people who you fancy and challenge them to a battle of wits or money. You have no fear of losing this battle because you are SMART, you are RICH and hell, you're BETTER LOOKING than they are anyway!
Stage 5 - INVISIBLE This is the Final Stage of Drunkenness. At this point you can do anything because NO ONE CAN SEE YOU. You dance on a table to impress the people who you fancy because the rest of the people in the room cannot see you. You are also invisible to the person who wants to fight you. You can walk through the street singing at the top of your lungs because no one can see or hear you and because you're still SMART, you know all the words.
-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=--=-=-=
Subject: PP 2001.01 Date: Sat, 13 Jan 2001 04:04:02 -0500 From: phil proctor <PProctor@compuserve.com To: 3 <pproctor@compuserve.com
(((((((((((((((((( PLANET PROCTOR 2001.1 - http://www.planetproctor.com
"What would you like me to bring you?" - "A Bush Baby." - "A Bush Baby? Well, we'll have to see about that." - Dr. Floyd to his young daughter by video phone in Arthur C. Clarke's "2001"
BUSH WACK BUSH? "Shave your bush to protest Bush! Mad about another Bush in the White House? Then shear off your own and let him know." That's the call-to-arms of Silicon Valley co-founder Emily Hofstetter whose site focuses on women working in the Internet industry. "We have the power, now get into the shower and repeat after me:
NO MORE BUSH," Hofstetter declaimed. "One Close Shave Deserves Another!" "Save the clippings, bag them and send them to our Clown Prince President for his inauguration. Better still, let's all go to the inauguration and throw the 'bush clippings' at our new president like confetti at a ticker tape parade!" Hofstetter will be in D.C. for the swearing in and swears, "I am
prepared to stay completely shaved for four years...Bush is something that I have between my legs and I can get rid of it if I want to." From http://www.salon.com/tech/inbox/index.html
"They asked George Bush if he knew what Roe vs. Wade was. He said it was the decision George Washington had to make when he wanted to cross the Delaware." - various sources
XMAS NOT P.C. IN D. C. Lloyd Robinson informs me that The Supreme Court banned public display of nativity scenes in Washington, DC. this Christmas past, although the ruling was not based on religious reasons. They simply were not able
to find three Wise Men and a Virgin in the Nation's capitol. However, they
had no problem finding enough asses to fill the stable. And Colorado's Peter Johnson and Wisconsin's Jim Lindberg, responding to the Drunks against Drunk Driving Crusaders in Texas, has informed me that in their states there is an organization called "DAMM -- Drunks Against MADD Mothers."
"Look up Mike Sass for Good Apples" - Ad in an old Goshen Daily News, according to my Hoosier mom, Audre.
CHEESE ON ICE Lindberg also sent me a Xmas poem regarding the "New England" piece: "When it's Christmas in Wisconsin,/And the gentle breezes blow About seventy miles an hour/And it's fifty-two below, You can tell you're in Wisconsin/'Cause the snow's up to your butt, And you take a breath of Christmas air/And your nose holes both freeze shut. The weather here is wonderful/So I guess I'll hang around, I could NEVER leave Wisconsin/My feet are frozen to the ground."
"The election result is good for me...It's as if Quayle had won...It took his brother, his father, his father's friends, the Florida secretary of state and the Supreme Court to pull it off. His entire life gives fresh meaning to the phrase 'assisted living.'" - "Doonsbury's" Garry Trudeau in The New Yorker
END OF SONG! Our good friend George Leroy Tirebiter, sent us the definitive last word on the "Twelve Days" Conspiracy (may it rest in pieces.) "All of the religious tenets supposedly preserved by the song "The Twelve Days of Christmas" (except for the number of sacraments) were shared by Catholics and Anglicans alike. Although Catholics and Anglicans used different English translations of the Bible (Douai-Reims and the King James version, respectively), the contents of these bibles were primarily the same...A Catholic might need to be wary of being caught with a Douai-Reims Bible,
but there was absolutely no reason why any of these items would distinguish a Catholic from a Protestant, and therefore none of them needed to be "secretly" encoded into song." <http://www.snopes2.com/holidays/xmas/12days.htm Or as The Firesign Theatre said many years ago..."What is reality?"
"I have been to reality, and they are not my people" - Dan the Beachcomber
RULES FOR THE THIRD MILLENNIUM * Do not walk behind me, for I may not lead. Do not walk ahead of me, for I may not follow. Do not walk beside me, either; just bugger off and
leave me alone. * It's always darkest before dawn. So if you're going to steal your neighbor's newspaper, that's the time to do it. * No one is listening until you make a mistake. * Always remember you're unique, just like everyone else. * Never test the depth of the water with both feet. * It may be that your sole purpose in life is simply to serve as a warning to others. * Before you criticize someone, you should walk a mile in their shoes. That way, when you criticize them, you're a mile away and you have their
shoes. * If you lend someone $20, and never see that person again, it was probably worth it. * If you drink, don't park; accidents cause people. * If you must choose between two evils, pick the one you've never tried
before. * The quickest way to double your money is to fold it in half and put it back in your pocket.
"There's no stopping the future" - Yogi Bera
ANTI PRO LIFE The first item in almost every Yellow Pages is "ABORTION" and that issue is bound to become a hot one during the "Burning Bush" years. So here's some observations on the subject for your consideration: "Humans can always make mistakes, and no one leader or group of people is above the law or 'more equal' than anyone else. So power must
rest with the people, ...and if there are serious problems, God sometimes doesn't require his creatures to practice his law. "So, under some conditions - such as parents' poverty or overpopulation - then abortion is allowed. This doesn't mean that we're changing God's law, it just means we're interpreting laws according to the development of science and the realities of the times." Which flaming radical, baby-killing, pot-smoking, adulterous, fornicating Liberal dared speak such blasphemy? Iran's Grand Ayatollah Yusef Saanei, that's who, quoted in Robin Wright's fascinating L.A. Times series on Islam. It's enough to make you turn Islamic, if only it hadn't ended Cat Stevens' career.
"It often happens that I wake at night and begin to think about a serious problem and decide I must talk to the Pope about it. Then I wake
up completely and remember that I am the Pope."- Pope John XXIII
CHEWING THE FAT Actor Peter Johnson tells me that a Ukrainian candy company, AO Odessa, is offering a chunk of pork fat dipped in "chocolat". The aptly named "Fat in Chocolate" comes in a red foil wrapper embosed with a mustached Ukrainian Cossack gorging on a glob usually consumed with vodka and pickles. The bars are reported to be sweet but salty, with "the gooey texture of well-cooked pasta", and a spokesman said that "while edible, the bars are not really meant to be eaten." It is, nonetheless, selling well to "laughing customers" in Kiev.
"I will say that naming Spencer Abraham as secretary of energy shows a sense of humor. In 1999, Abraham sponsored a bill to abolish the
department." - Molly Ivins, Star Telegram
THE BEST NEW YEAR'S FRUIT CAKE Ingredients: 1 cup sugar, 4 large eggs, 2 cups dried fruit, 1 tsp salt, 1 cup brown sugar, 1 tsp lemon juice, 1/2 cup nuts, 1 bottle whiskey. Sample the whiskey to check for quality. Get a large bowl out.
Check the whiskey again. To be sure it is of the highest quality, pour one level cup and drink it. Repeat. Turn on the electric mixer and beat one cup of butter in the large bowl. Add one teaspoon of sugar and beat again. Make sure the whiskey is still okay. Cry another tup.Turn off the mixer. Beat two leggs and add to the bowl and chuck in the cup of dried fruit. Mix on the turner. If fired druit gets stuck in the beatererers pry it loose with a drewscriver. Sample the whiskey and check for tonsisticity. Next sift two cups of salt or something. Who cares? Check the whiskery again. Now sift the lemon juice and strain your nuts. Add one table. Spoon. Of sugar or something. Whatever you can find. Grease the oven. Turn the cake tin 350 degrees. Don't forget to beat off the turner. Throw the bowl out the window. Check the whiskey again and go to bed. (Paul Eiding Family Recipe)
"There is certainly more in the future now than back in 1964." - Roger Daltrey, Singer/actor
SMELL, SELL AND DON'T TELL "Women's shopping impulses are starting to make some scents," claims Australian scientist Iain Waller in a report asserting that "the scent of a sexy man" can send a woman on a shopping spree. Apparently, male pheromones can send subliminal messages which influence a woman's spending habits. Research suggests that a store's sales staff might even tempt female shoppers to "Chaaaaaaarge!" by wearing perfume spiked with the spunky stuff. Just remember to use your A-male-ican Express card.
"If music is to remain the voice of rebellion, it's got to continue to
unnerve and upset parents. That's its job. And Eminem has probably done the best job of that of anyone in decades" - NARAS President C. Michael Greene
WHAT IS SUCCESS? At age 4....success is..... Not peeing in your pants. At age 12...success is.... Having friends. At age 16...success is.... Having a driver's license. At age 20...success is.... Having sex. At age 35...success is.... Having money. At age 50...success is.... Having money. At age 60...success is.... Having sex. At age 70...success is.... Having a driver's license. At age 75...success is.... Having friends. At age 80...success is.... Not peeing in your pants.
"Learn from the mistakes of others. You can't live long enough to make them all yourself." - Eleanor Roosevelt
IT'S ALL RELATIVE My beautiful, talented, and sexy wife, Melinda, is appearing in a richly funny play about a family of professional prevaricators called "Relativity" at Burbank's Third Stage on Magnolia between Hollywood Way and Buena Vista. I've rarely been at a play when the audience applauded with
anticipation as the lights came up on the second act, but that's what happened on opening night this Friday. Deftly staged by oft-honored director Pat Willson, it will play
Thursday through Saturdays until March 3. Call for tickets at 818.842-4755 or contact me about our special "Groundhog Day" Theater Party on Friday,
January 26th and enjoy our aftershow wine-and-groundhog reception. By the way, Melinda takes off her shirt in Act II. Hmmm. Maybe
that's why they applauded...
"This is Hollywood --- a sunny place with shady people where the stars
twinkle til they wrinkle." - Unknown
ROUND UP THE USUAL SUSPECTS Julius J. Epstein, who with his identical twin, Philip, won an Academy Award for the script of "Casablanca," wrote his last "fade out" at 91 after more than 50 movies over a 50-year career. "There wasn't one moment of reality in `Casablanca.' We weren't making art. We were making a living. Movies in those days were prevented
from reality. Every leading man had to be a great sexual athlete. Every boy and girl had to `meet cute,' and the girl had to dislike the hero when theymet. If a woman committed adultery, she had to die. Now the woman who commits adultery is your heroine." Screenwriter Alvah Bessie added that "the twins won every wisecracking competition during lunch," and when Julius watched as the 1963 Bel Air fire destroyed his own two-story home on live TV, he said cooly,
"Well, we always wanted a one-story house." Renault: "And what in heaven's name brought you to Casablanca?" Rick: "My health. I came to Casablanca for the waters." Renault: "What waters? We're in the desert." Rick: "I was misinformed." Asked whether he had ever been a member of a subversive organization Julius replied, "Yes. Warner Bros."
"I have left that branch of whoring and butchery behind. It almost seems that a distant cousin did it." - Ingmar Bergman, retiring from film-making.
ST BOZO BLESS HIM "On the operating table for yet another procedure in his marathon battle with cancer," writes Jeff Manning of The Oregonian, "prominent Portland advertising figure and inveterate jokester Steve Sandoz asked his doctor if he wouldn't mind attending to his finger. Sandoz lifted his hand, which sported a gruesome novelty shop plastic finger with a spike driven through it. "I think it may be infected," he said in an anesthetized haze. "Steve took his work very seriously," said friend Bill Foster, "But he also loved slapstick. He loved puns and satire. He loved to cackle." A longtime creative director at Portland advertising agency Wieden + Kennedy, he launched the massive Nike and Windows campaigns, but the Firesign foursome first worked with him on a series of modest radio spots for Alaska Air; and later I had the pleasure of appearing in several of his surreal TV campaigns. Phil Austin and I also provided voices for two astronauts on the
last of his annual trailers for the Portland International Film Festival
where three years earlier, he'd created a promo called "Death," after Ingmar Bergman's "The Seventh Seal." "Sandoz's Grim Reaper walks the streets tapping the shoulders of
the unfortunate souls whose time has come, then lightens up after meeting a woman. They go on a date to the movies. But he grows exasperated by a group of rowdies sitting nearby. He finally reaches over and taps them on the shoulder, restoring peace to the theater." On his obituary form, Sandoz's family listed him as a member of the "Brotherhood of St. Bozo, the order of monks who strive to make God laugh," which Steve created in his well-received 1998 film "God's Clowns", featuring the Firesign. His memorial service will be at 3 p.m. Jan. 20 in the Wieden + Kennedy offices in his beloved Portland, where he lived with his wife and kids. Steve was 48.
"Living in California adds ten years to your life. And those extra years I'd like to spend in New York." - Harry Ruby
+++++++++++(JANUARY 11, 2001)++++++++++ * FIRESIGN SITE: www.firesigntheatre.com * FIRESIGN PRODUCT: www.lodestone-media.com * FUNNY TIMES: www.funnytimes.com
PLANET PROCTOR (C) 2001 by Phil Proctor
Have a magic day and pass it on! Magic Mike http://funandmagic.com/ http://ld.net/?phon4less /
Subject: watch the sky for an entire night, MTX virus Date: Thu, 11 Jan 2001 18:10:55 -0800 From: Magic MIke Berger <mmb Organization: http://funandmagic.com To: you <you
Hi, If you could watch the sky for an entire night, what would it look like? See a rotating cam at Kitt Observatory. Enter http://www.funandmagic.com/ and see my Photo Of The Day. There is a virus that eats memory and later locks up your exe programs. It is the MTX virus. You can see if you have it by clicking FIND, search for mtx. If you have extensions marked mtx or files that start with mtx you should use a virus program. Get cheap long distance and clean water. See the links at the bottom of this. The jokes follow. Tell me if this is funny. A female minority nominee for Secretary Of Labor that doesn't want and didn't pay minimum wage herself, doesn't believe in equal pay for woman and minorities and had her own example, doesn't believe in worker's rights, and had an underpaid, illegal alien in her house, during the same time she criticized someone else for the same thing in her column. -Magic Mike
There were these highly qualified craftsmen working in a singing bird-clock factory.
Their clocks were the very best in the country...and many people bought them as gifts so that friends would hear a different bird each hour.
The clocks not only had sounds for each hour of the day, they had different sounds at night... a total of 24 bird sounds.
The engineers had learned that the secret to making an authentic sound was to have exactly the right voltage on the tiny speakers. A Sparrow sound
required 210 volts... and a Cardinal needed 235 volts.
Even though it was expensive...different tiny transformers were designed
to fit inside the clock. One very difficult design was for the Crow...needing 250 volts.
The workmen were very determined to have the best sound for the biggest challenge of all... the Oriole.
After much research they learned that a voltage of 270 would be needed...very difficult.
After months of struggling, the final test day was at hand. With a crowd gathered, they threw the switch.
The entire factory short-circuited and caused a large fire.
The moral is... sometimes it is tough to get 270 electric Oriole volts.
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A man complains to a friend, "I can't take it anymore."
"What's wrong?" his concerned friend asks.
"It's my wife. Every time we have an argument, she gets historical!"
"You mean hysterical," his friend said, chuckling.
"No, I mean HISTORICAL," the man insists. "Every argument we have, she'll go "I still remember that time when you ...."
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A man was reading the paper when an ad caught his eye. It loudly announced, '$500 Porsche! New!' The man thought that it was very unusual to sell a Porsche for $500, and he thought it might be a joke, but he said to himself, 'it's worth a shot.'
So he went to the lady's house who was selling the Porsche, and she led him into the garage. Sure enough, there was an almost brand new Porsche.
'Wow!' the man said, 'Can I take it for a test drive?'
'Sure,' answered the lady.
Unlike what he expected, the man found that the car ran perfectly. When he got back to the lady's house, he asked her, 'Why are you selling me this
great Porsche for only $500?'
Then the lady replied with a laugh, 'My husband just ran off with his secretary, and he told me, 'You can have the house and the furniture, just sell my Porsche and send me the money.''
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Upper crust: A lot of crumbs held together with dough.
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A few fraternity brothers needed to fill a science requirement in order to graduate, so they spent weeks studying for the final.
The day of the exam arrived and they were more than ready for the test. The teacher pulled out a chart, and on it were different pictures of bird's legs.
The teacher said,
"This is your exam. Name these birds by their legs."
After ten minutes one boy stood up, absolutely furious, and slammed the paper down on the teachers desk.
"Unbelievable!" he yelled. "You knew I needed to pass this exam to graduate. How could you do this to me?"
The guy begins to leave the room and the teacher yells at him,
"Hey you, what's your name?"
The student pulls up his pants, revealing his legs, and says,
"I don't know sir. You tell me."
Cleanest water at 6 cents a gallon / Long distance as low as 3 cents http://ld.net/?phon4less
Subject: Re: Cragg Prong Waterfalls, Free Cam program, telecoms Date: Thu, 11 Jan 2001 18:59:25 -0500 Magic Mike Berger wrote:
Two roads diverged in a wood, and I chose the one with the large-breasted hitchhiker on it. And that has made all the difference.
Hi, Slap my wrist, I haven't written or posted a photo all week. See Cragg Prong Falls in North Carolina at Mark Morrison's Waterfall Walks site. Go to Best Photo Of The Day by entering at http://www.funandmagic.com . My aquarium cam is on now most days from 9Am Pacific time until midnight. Camera shots change. I was able to write my first page using frames and a redirect to move the fish cam page into my fish page which will expand to give info on care and bredding. http://www.funandmagic.com/fish.html . The cam program is free to download from True Tech Web Cam and they give you a free "Camarades" web cam site with sound capabilty and a chat room. http://www.camarades.com/ . Some people use the site to watch a parked car from theft, or monitor a baby's room, or monitor a room when they are gone. You can unlist your site from their on-line preview by changing their port number. I have the cheapest long distance, cell phone, Internet dial-up and more at http://ld.net/?phon4less . In some areas like New Jersey, Florida, Texas, and Denver I have 3 cents a minute calling. Elsewhere it is 3.9 or 4.9 cents a minute with 6 second increments, no monthly fees, charges, or contracts. CHECK IT OUT!
An 85 year-old couple, having been married almost 60 years, died in a car crash. They had been in good health the last ten years, mainly due to the wife's neurotic interest in health food.
When they reached the pearly gates, St. Peter took them to their mansion, which was decked out with a beautiful kitchen and master bath suite and Jacuzzi. As they "oohed and ahead", the old man asked Peter how much all this was going to cost.
"It's free," Peter replied, "Remember, this is Heaven."
Next they went out back to see the championship golf course in back of the home. They would have golfing privileges every day, and each week the course changed to a new one representing the great golf courses on Earth. The old man asked, "What are the green fees?" "This is heaven," St. Peter replied. "You play for free."
Next they went to the clubhouse and saw the lavish buffet lunch with the
cuisines of the world laid out. "How much to eat?" asked the old man.
"Don't you understand yet?" St. Peter asked. "This is heaven. It's free!"
"Well, where are the low fat and low cholesterol foods?" the old man asked timidly. "That's the best part . . . you can eat as much as you like of whatever you like and you never get fat and you never get sick. This is Heaven."
The old man turned to his wife and scolded, "If it wasn't for you and your darn bran muffins, I could have been here ten years ago!"
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A city in Poland passed the following resolution: A new jail should be built. This should be done with the materials of the old one. The old jail can be used until the new one is completed.
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Pickup Lines in Prison
14 "Damn, you are sexy in stripes."
13 "Is that a zip-gun carefully carved out of a piece of discarded metal found on the floor of the prison license-plate manufacturing shop in my pocket, or am I just glad to see you?"
12 "You know, normally I don't give in the first 30 seconds, but I guess I'm a sucker for sheer muscle mass."
11 "Nice teeth. They'd look so much better on my the floor of my cell."
10 "Who wants to marry a multiple murderer?"
9 "I've been watching you from across the yard for awhile now, and I knew if I didn't work up the courage to just walk over here and ask you to be my bitch, I might regret it for the rest of my life."
8 "Hold still while I staple this centerfold to the back of your head."
7 "Did you order the Soap Drop soup?"
6 "That orange jumpsuit really brings out the red in your freshly-healed knife wound."
5 "Care to give Prisoner Johnson a weekend furlough?"
4 "You're new here... let me debrief you and introduce you to the penal system."
3 "You look even better in person than you did on America's Most Wanted."
2 "If looks could kill, you'd get 25 to life."
1 "Is your name 'Escape Tunnel'? Because I've been digging you all night."
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The right type
When the Padre asked his congregation "How many men felt threatened because their spouses earned more than they did"
All were silent, when a young male voice piped "That's the kind of wife that I want to find"
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"Wishes For True New Millennium..."
May your hair, your teeth, your face-lift, and your stocks not fall; and May your blood pressure, your triglycerides, your white blood count and your mortgage interest not rise.
May you get a clean bill of health from your dentist, your cardiologist,
your gastro-endocrinologist, your urologist, your proctologist, your podiatrist, your psychiatrist, your plumber and the IRS.
May you find a way to travel from anywhere to anywhere in the rush hour in less than an hour, and when you get there May you find a parking space.
May Friday evening, December 31, find you seated around the dinner table, together with your beloved family and cherished friends, ushering
in the New Year ahead. You will find the food better, the environment quieter, the cost much cheaper, and the pleasure much more fulfilling than anything else you might ordinarily do that night.
May you wake up on January 1st, finding that the world has not come to an end, the lights work, the water faucets flow, and the sky has not fallen.
May you go to the bank on Monday morning, January 3rd and find your account is in order, your money is still there and any mistakes are in your favor.
May you ponder on January 4th; How did this ultramodern civilization of ours manage to get itself traumatized by a possible slip of a blip on a chip made out of sand.
May you have the strength to go through a year of presidential campaigning, and May some of the promises made be kept. May you believe at least half of what the candidates propose, and May those elected fulfill at least half of what they promise, and the miracle of reducing taxes and balancing budgets happen.
May what you see in the mirror delight you, and what others see in you delight them.
May the telemarketers wait to make their sales calls until you finish dinner, and May your check book and your budget balance, and May they include generous amounts for charity.
May you remember to say "I love you" at least once a day to your spouse,
your child, your parent; but not to your secretary, your nurse, your masseuse, your hairdresser or your tennis instructor.
May we live as intended, in a world at peace and the awareness of the beauty in every sunset, every flower's unfolding petals, every baby's smile and every wonderful, astonishing, miraculous beat of our heart.
-- Have a magic day and pass it on. Magic Mike http://funandmagic.com/
