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Magic Mike's Jokes Archive #29
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"Since all phenomena, is a product of
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- Longchenpa, 13th century Tibetan monk.
Subject: Palomar Date: Thu, 30 Nov 2000 17:11:20 -0800 From: Magic Mike <mmb http://ld.net/?phon4less To: you <mmb
Hi, See today's Photo of the Day, for your desktop, and pick up a free wallpaper slideshow program. Go to http://funandmagic.com/ and Enter. "Globular star cluster Palomar 13 has roamed the halo of our Milky Way Galaxy for the last 12 billion years. With each close approach to the Milky Way's central regions, gravitational tidal forces strip away the delicately bound cluster stars. In fact, detailed present day studies offer evidence for a dramatic end to this dwindling cluster's tidal tug of war. Palomar 13's latest close approach was only about 70 million years ago. But, when Palomar 13 again approaches the galaxy, it could well turn out to be the cluster's last stand." - I guess you better hurry to see it.
Bob: My wife drives like lightning
Ted: She drives fast?
Bob: No, she hits trees!
-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=--=-=
A few years ago, I decided to visit my brother who was stationed in Germany. I assumed that most Germans would speak English. But I found that many people spoke only their native tongue - including the ticket inspector on the train.
He punched my ticket, then chatted cordially for a bit, making gestures like a windmill. I simply nodded from time to time to show him that I was interested.
When he had gone, an American woman soldier in the compartment leaned forward and asked if I spoke German.
"No," I confessed.
"Then that explains," she said, "why you didn't bat an eyelid when he told you that you were on the wrong train."
-=--=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=---=
A drunk went into a telephone booth and dialed at random. "Salvation Army," was the answer.
"What do you do?" asked the man.
"We save wicked men and women," came the reply.
"Okay, save me a wicked woman for Saturday night."
-====-=-=-=-=-=-=-==-=-===
A young man visiting a dude ranch wanted to be "macho," so he went out walking with one of the hired hands. As they were walking through the barnyard, the visitor tried starting a conversation: "Say, look at that big bunch of cows."
The hired hand replied, "Not 'bunch,' but 'herd.' "
"Heard what?"
"Herd of cows."
"Sure, I've heard of cows. There's a big bunch of 'em right over there."
--=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=
An extraordinarily handsome man decided he had the God- given responsibility to marry the perfect woman so they could produce children beyond comparison.
With that as his mission he began searching for the perfect woman. After a diligent, but fruitless, search up and down the east coast, he started to head west. Shortly thereafter he met a farmer who had three stunning, gorgeous daughters that positively took his breath away. So he explained his mission to the farmer, asking for permission to marry one of them.
The farmer simply replied, "They're all lookin' to get married, so you came to the right place. Look them over and select the one you want."
The man dated the first daughter. The next day the farmer asked for the man's opinion.
"Well" said the man, " She's just a weeeeee bit, not that you can hardly notice, but pigeon-toed."
The farmer nodded and suggested the man date one of the other girls; so the man went out with the second daughter.
The next day, the farmer again asked how things went.
"Well," the man replied, "She's just a weeeee bit, not that you can hardly tell, cross-eyed."
The farmer nodded and suggested he date the third girl to see if things might be better. So he did.
The next morning the man rushed in exclaiming, "She's perfect, just perfect! She's the one I want to marry!" So they were wed right away.
Months later the baby was born. When the man visited nursery he was horrified: the baby was the ugliest, most pathetic human you can imagine. He rushed to his father-in- law asking how such a thing could happen considering the parents.
"Well," explained the farmer, "She was just a weeeee bit, not that you could hardly tell, pregnant when you met her."
-=-=-=-=-=-=---=-=-=
"I can remember the first time I had to go to sleep. Mom said, "Steven, time to go to sleep." I said, "But I don't know how." She said, "It's real easy. Just go down to the end of tired and hang a left." So I went down to the end of tired, and just out of curiosity I hung a right. My mother was there, and she said "I thought I told you to go to sleep."
-- Steven Wright -- Have a magic day and pass it on. Magic Mike http://funandmagic.com/ / The cleanest, cheapest water, 6 cents/gallon 2.9 cents/minute calls, and cheapest phone cards http://ld.net/?phon4less/ Ask me about high speed cable dial-up for free! Highspeedinfo
Subject: Imagine Date: Wed, 29 Nov 2000 10:54:38 -0800 From: Magic Mike <mmb http://ld.net/?phon4less To: you <mmb
1. Imagine that we read of an election occurring anywhere in the third world in which the self-declared winner was the son of the former prime minister and that former prime minister was himself the former head of that nation's secret police (CIA).
2. Imagine that the self-declared winner lost the popular vote but claimed to have won the election based on some old colonial holdover (electoral college) from the nation's pre-democracy past.
3. Imagine that the self-declared winner's "victory" was first announced by his first cousin (John Ellis, who heads the election decision desk at Fox News Channel). And that the self-declared winner's "victory" turned on disputed votes cast in a province governed by his brother!
4. Imagine that the poorly drafted ballots of one district, a district heavily favoring the self-declared winner's opponent, led thousands of voters to miscast their votes intended for that opponent.
5. Imagine that members of that nation's most despised caste, fearing for their lives/livelihoods, turned out in record numbers to vote in near-universal opposition to the self-declared winner's candidacy.
6. Imagine that hundreds of members of that most- despised caste were intercepted on their way to the polls by state police operating under the authority of the self- declared winner's brother.
7. Imagine that six million people voted in the disputed province and that the self-declared winner's "lead" was only 300 votes. Fewer, certainly, than the vote-counting machines' margin of error.
8. Imagine that the self-declared winner and his political party opposed a more careful by-hand inspection and re-counting of the ballots in the disputed province or in its most hotly disputed district, even though he had signed a law in his own province that election disputes should be resolved by hand-counting ballots! (Texas, 1997)
9. Imagine that the self-declared winner, himself a governor of a major province, had the worst human rights record of any province in his nation, led the nation in executions and in fact set new records for state-ordered killings.
10. Imagine that a major campaign promise of the self-declared winner was to appoint like-minded human rights violators to lifetime positions on the high court of that nation.
None of us would deem such an election to be representative of anything other than the self-declared winner's will-to-power. All of us, I imagine, would wearily turn the page thinking that it was another sad tale of pitiful pre- or anti-democracy peoples in some strange elsewhere.
IT'S SO CLOSE THE FLORIDA VOTES SHOULD BE COUNTED BY HAND. WE WANT THE PRESIDENT OF THE PEOPLE, NOT THE PRESIDENT OF HIS BROTHER'S MACHINES.
Subject: North Fork waterfall, Jewish President, Life in Florida Date: Mon, 27 Nov 2000 10:37:50 -0800 From: Magic Mike <mmb Reply-To: http://funandmagic.com@mx6-w.mail.home.com, @mx6-w.mail.home.com, http://ld.net/?phon4less@mx6-w.mail.home.com To: you <mmb
Hi, Here is a nice Colorado waterfall on the North Fork. http://funandmagic.com/ . Enter and go to Photo Of The Day. All hail King George, President of The Machines!
The first Jewish President of the United States calls his mother in Queens and invites her to come down for Thanksgiving. She says, "I'd like to, but it's so much trouble...I mean, I have to get a cab to the airport, and I hate waiting on Queens Blvd..."
He replies, "Mom! I'm the President! You won't need a cab - I'll send a limousine for you!"
His mother replies, "I know, but then I'll have to get my ticket at the airport, and try to get a seat on the plane, and I hate to sit in the middle...it's just too much trouble."
He replies, "Mom! I'm the President of the United States! I'll send Air Force One for you - it's my private jet!"
To which she replies, "Oh, well, but then when we land, I'll have to carry my luggage through the airport, and try to get a cab...it's really too much trouble."
He replies, "Mom!! I'm the President! I'll send a helicopter for you! You won't have to lift a finger."
She answers, "Yes, that's nice...but, you know, I still need a hotel room, and the rooms are so expensive, and I really don't like the rooms..."
Exasperated, he answers, "Mom! I'm the President! You'll stay at the White House!"
She responds, "Well...all right...I guess I'll come."
The next day, she's on the phone with her friend Beckie:
Beckie: "Hello, Sylvia...so what's new?"
Sylvia: "I'm visiting my son for Thanksgiving!"
Beckie: "The doctor?"
Sylvia: "No ... the other one."
--=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=
Respect For the Law
A farmer got pulled over by a state trooper for speeding, and the trooper started to lecture the farmer about his speed, and in general began to throw his weight around to try to make the farmer uncomfortable. Finally, the trooper got around to writing out the ticket, and as he was doing so he kept swatting at some flies that were buzzing around his head. The farmer asks, "Having some problems with circle flies there, are ya?" The trooper stops writing the ticket and says, "Well yeah, if that's what they are -- I never heard of circle flies." So the farmer says, "Well, circle flies are common on farms. See, they're called circle flies because they're almost always found circling around the back end of a horse." The trooper says, "Oh," and goes back to writing the ticket. Then after a minute he stops and says, "Hey...wait a minute, are you trying to associate me with the back end of a horse?" The farmer says, "Oh no, officer. I have too much respect for law enforcement and police officers to even think about calling you a horse's rear." The trooper says, "Well, that's a good thing," and goes back to writing the ticket. After a long pause, the farmer says, "Hard to fool them flies though."
-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=
-=-=-=-=
When I lived in a dorm, one of the favorite intramural sports was water fights. Dousing and bombarding one another with water from squirt guns, glasses, balloons, even wastebaskets. Since each room had a sink, there was endless ammunition. The most frequent target was the Resident Assistant.
Approaching his room one afternoon, he noticed his door was ajar. Looking up, he saw a pail of water balanced on the door's edge, ready to fall on him. As he took down the pail and emptied it into his sink, he thought, "Those crazy guys actually thought they could fool me with that old gag!" It was then that he realized we'd removed the drainpipe beneath the sink.
---=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=
-=-=
LIFE AS IT IS IN FL.
A Visit to Someones Folks in Florida Dining Out With My Folks in Florida.
Visiting from New York, I wallow in the heated pool of my parent's Ft. Lauderdale retirement community where a group of bathing cap clad seniors exchange their Early Bird dining experiences: places that offer good value, places that have gone downhill, places that are owned by the mafia, places that cater to those on low-cholesterol, low-sodium diets. The pool is just one of 14 within Wyndham Creek, a 5,000 unit sterile condo complex situated on acres of exceptionally manicured grounds. Surrounding the entire community is an 8-foot wall, where rent-a-cops at the gate leer at me suspiciously, like they first did 12 years ago, when my folks fled Brooklyn.
As I sip water from the poolside fountain, an elderly woman approaches me. "Sonny, can you do me a favor? Go into the men's sauna and ask if there's a Sol Finkel inside. If he's in there, ask him when he's coming out. Tell him his wife Minnie needs him to drive her to the butcher. Would you be a nice young man and do that for me?"
At 4:30, my parents and I drive to nearby Century Village (a.k.a. Cemetery Village), to pick up their friends Murray and Evelyn Moskowitz who are joining us for Early Bird dinner. We will be dining at "Antonio's" in Deerfield Beach, normally a 10 minute ride via I-95. But my mother, who never learned to drive, has a morbid fear of highways, and insists my father take the streets. At age 74, this is probably not a bad idea. Yet, even on the streets, my father is oblivious to cars he cuts off, like the kid in the Camaro who flashes him the finger. After 45 minutes of stop-and-go traffic, we arrive at "Antonio's."
The restaurant is located in a strip mall, sandwiched between "PIP Printing" and a podiatrist's office with an overhead sign that simply reads "Podiatrist Office." My father steers his tank-size Mercury Marquis around the lot, but is not content unless he parks in the closest possible spot to the restaurant. We circle around and around past rows of late model Cadillacs, Buick Roadmasters and Oldsmobile Eighty-Eights. Finally, he catches someone pulling out, ultimately saving us a few steps.
"Antonio's," apparently one of the area's hotspots, is bustling with senior citizens. Bald men wearing checkered pants and white patent leather shoes. Women draped in gold accessories sporting stiff white hairdos.
"Hello, I'm Ronald, and I'll be your waiter this evening. Would anyone care for a drink?"
All at the table shake their heads no.
"I'll have an Amstel, please."
"You know, beer is not included in the dinner," my mother whispers to me. "If you want beer, I'll buy you a bottle at the supermarket."
"But I want a beer now, with dinner."
"You can wait until we get home."
"Yes ... no?" asks the waiter.
"Yes, please," I say. My mother flashes me a look.
"I'll pay for it myself, OK?"
"Don't be such a big shot."
My parents study the menu as if they're picking stocks in which to invest their life savings. After several minutes, they begin calculating the options: With the Prix Fixe dinner they can get the filet of sole, plus salad and coffee for $7.95 per person. But if they order a la carte, the filet of sole is only $5.95, the coffee $1.25, the salad $2.50 -- but it's a large salad with tomatoes. However, if they share a salad, then substitute the French onion soup from the Prix Fixe menu for a $1.50 surcharge...
"Are you ready to order?" asks our waiter.
"We need a little more time," says my mother. The calculations resume for several more minutes, before my parents finally decide upon a "Consumer Reports Best Buy."
"What's the weather like in New York lately?" asks my father, who seems to have a never-ending fascination with the subject.
"Seasonal. You know, 30's, 40's."
"You must be freezing your tuchas off."
"No, it's OK."
"Well, looks like you brought the cold weather down with you. It's been sunny until now."
"They say it's going down to the 50's tonight, could you believe?" adds Evelyn.
"Speaking of cold, there's such a draft in here, you can lose your head yet. Please have them lower the air conditioning," my mother complains to the waiter. "Mitchell, put on your sweater, you'll catch a cold."
The waiter says the air conditioning can't be lowered, but offers to move our table. We all get up and follow him to another area of the dining room. A busboy tags along with our bread basket and water glasses in tow.
"Sir! Excuse me, sir! These rolls are very hard," my mother tells the busboy.
"Rolls too haat?" repeats the busboy.
"Too hard," not "too hot," I try to clarify.
"Rolls too haat," nods the busboy, removing the bread basket. Minutes later he returns with a new basket of equally hard rolls at room temperature.
Finally ready to place our orders, Murray chooses the baked scrod, to which his wife comments, "Oh, no, you don't like that. You like it broiled."
"I want to try it baked."
"You're not going to like it, and you're going to be disappointed."
"How do you know?"
"I know you."
Murray changes his order.
"Is the Filet of Sole fresh?" my mother grills the waiter.
"Yes, ma'am, it's very good."
"Because if it's too fishy, I don't want it."
When the soup arrives, my mother sends it back, asking them to reheat it. She insists I send mine back too, but I assure her it's fine. Later in the meal, she informs the waiter that "The last time we were here, the portions were much larger." The waiter walks away rolling his eyes, and virtually ignores us for the rest of the evening. "Generally, you really get a lot for your money down here," my mother says proudly. "Not like in New York. What do you pay when you go out to dinner at home?" she asks me.
"Let's just say the appetizer usually costs more than your entire Early Bird."
"My god, I don't know how you can afford -- or why you still want to live in that sewer. The crime, the dirt, the traffic ... it's such a nicer way of life down here," she gloats. "When you go on a date, do you go Dutch?"
"No."
"So what does it cost you? I bet $50 for the two of you?"
"If not more."
"What do they charge for the movies there now?" asks Murray.
"$8.00."
"That's a crime," says Evelyn. We have the $2.00 movies on Tuesdays up in Boca. We just saw, ummm, ... oh what was the name of it? ... Mr. Gump, with that Bob Hanks fellow. Very enjoyable."
"I don't know. When your sisters were dating, they always went Dutch," says my mother.
"Well, maybe they dated losers."
"Didn't they go Dutch, Herb?" she asks my father.
"I don't recall."
"All the young girls today work. If they're so into this Womens' Lib thing, the entire cost of the date shouldn't have to come out of your pocket."
"Mom, what do you know? You haven't been on a date since the Roosevelt administration."
"Don't make me out to be such an old fuddy duddy."
"You know, Mitchell, we have a niece in New York," says Evelyn. "She's a very lovely girl. Would you like her number?"
"We'll, I don't know. What's she like?"
"She must be about 28 now, I suppose. The last time I saw her was about three years ago at my cousin Gertrude's son's Bar Mitzvah."
"Sure, get him her number. What does he have to lose?" says my mother.
"She lives in Manhattan, too. You're practically neighbors," quips Evelyn.
"Give her a call," coaxes my mother. "She's got to be better than those shiksas you meet in bars, or wherever it is that you run with your friends. Am I right Herb?"
After 40 years of marriage, my father knows better than to disagree with my mother, especially in public.
"Yes, it's about time he seriously considered settling down and starting a family," says my father, to my mother's approval.
"Does she have a rich father, Evelyn?" my mother asks.
After a brief pause, Murray says, "So Mitchell, I hear you work for IBM."
"No, not exactly. I work for an ad agency that creates advertising for IBM."
"Oh, really. I saw an item in the paper today that said IBM is going to build a microchip plant in Singapore," he says. "If you want, I can clip it out for you."
"No thanks. I'm sure my office already knows."
"Everything is with these computers today. It's a different world." All nod in agreement.
As dinner concludes, the waiter appears with our check, which my father microscopically inspects. "You have to be very careful, because they very often make mistakes." He alerts the waiter that the coffee should have been included in the price of their meal, and the bill is adjusted accordingly. The bill comes to $44.35 plus tax and tip for the five of us. My father presents a coupon from the Pennysaver which entitles him to an additional two dollars off. Murray and my father each contribute their respective shares. My mother adds 3 dimes, a nickel and a penny from her change purse to make sure the bill is evenly split to the last cent.
The waiter delivers a doggie bag of leftover fish and string beans to my mother, who then wraps the uneaten rolls along with a handful of sugar packets in napkins, placing them in her purse. "This is for you for later," she tells me lovingly. I can't wait.
Actually, I couldn't wait. Having finished dinner at 6:30, I awake hungry in the middle of the night, and butter myself some of those hard rolls.
-- Have a magic day and pass it on. Magic Mike http://funandmagic.com/
Subject: Orion in Hydrogen, Planet Proctor Date: Sat, 25 Nov 2000 18:07:11 -0800 From: Magic Mike <mmb Organization: http://funandmagic.com http://homework4s.com To: you <mmb
Hi, Today see an awesome photo for your desk of the Orion Nebula, in Hydrogen light. Enter and go to my Photo Of The Day page. http://funandmagic.com/ . I hope you all saw the inventor of the ballot machine explain why his machine makes mistakes, makes pregnant and dimpled ballots because of wear on the plastic palette. Here is the Thanksgiving Day Planet Proctor. Sorry, I got behind. -Magic Mike
"Grandpa, I'm really proud of you," said the modish young lady.
"What's to be proud?" asked the old man.
"I noticed that when you sneeze you've learned to put your hand in front of your mouth."
"Of course," explained Grandpa. "How else can I catch my teeth?"
-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=
-=
Giving a man his physical, a doctor noticed several dark, ugly bruises, so he asked, "Do you play hockey, soccer, or any physical sport?"
"Not at all. I just play bridge with my wife."
-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=
-=-=
Although he was a qualified meteorologist, Hopkins ran up a terrible record of forecasting for the TV news program. He became something of a local joke when a newspaper began keeping a record of his predictions and showed that he'd been wrong almost three hundred times in a single year.
That kind of notoriety was enough to get him fired.
He moved to another part of the country and applied for a similar job. One blank on the job application called for the reason for leaving his previous position.
Hopkins wrote, "The climate didn't agree with me."
-=-=-=-=-=--=-=-=-=-=-=--
A porter loaded down with suitcases followed the couple to the airline check-in counter.
As they approached the line, the husband glanced at the pile of luggage and said to the wife, "Why didn't you bring the piano, too?"
"Are you trying to be funny?" she replied.
"No," he sighed forlornly. "I left the tickets on it."
-=-=-=-=--=-=-=--=-=-=-
* The idiot
Three men: a philosopher, a mathematician and an idiot, were out riding in the car when it crashed into a tree. Before anyone knows it, the three men found themselves standing before the pearly gates of Heaven, where St Peter and the Devil were standing nearby.
"Gentlemen," the Devil started, "Due to the fact that Heaven is now overcrowded, therefore St Peter has agreed to limit the number of people entering Heaven. If anyone of you can ask me a question which I don't know or cannot answer, then you're worthy enough to go to Heaven; if not, then you'll come with me to Hell."
The philosopher then stepped up, "OK, give me the most comprehensive report on Socrates' teachings," With a snap of his finger, a stack of paper appeared next to the Devil. The philosopher read it and concluded it was correct. "Then, go to Hell!" With another snap of his finger, the philosopher disappeared.
The mathematician then asked, "Give me the most complicated formula you can ever think of!" With a snap of his finger, another stack of paper appeared next to the Devil. The mathematician read it and reluctantly agreed it was correct. "Then, go to Hell!" With another snap of his finger, the mathematician disappeared, too.
The idiot then stepped forward and said, "Bring me a chair!" The Devil brought forward a chair. "Drill 7 holes on the seat." The Devil did just that. The idiot then sat on the chair and let out a very loud fart. Standing up, he asked, "Which hole did my fart come out from?"
The Devil inspected the seat and said, "The third hole from the right."
"Wrong," said the idiot, "it's from my asshole." And the idiot went to Heaven.
--=--=-=-=-=-=--=-=-=--=
"I got up one morning and couldn't find my socks, so I called Information. She said, "Hello, Information." I said, "I can't find my socks." She said, "They're behind the couch." And they were!"
-- Steven Wright
-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=
-=-=
Subject: PP 2000/26 Date: Wed, 22 Nov 2000 23:27:34 -0500 From: phil proctor <PProctor@compuserve.com To: 3 <pproctor@compuserve.com
(((((((((((((((((( PLANET PROCTOR 2000/26 - http://www.planetproctor.com
"When I was a boy I was told that anybody could become President; I'm beginning to believe it." - Clarence Darrow
VOTE/SHMOTE! Great Poets respond to the Great Mess! * * Henry Wadsworth Longfellow * * Listen, my children, don't dare ignore,/The midnight actions of Bush and Gore./In early November, the year ought-ought,/It's hard to believe the mess they wrought./Two billion bucks of campaign bounty/All came down to Palm Beach County./What result cold have been horrider/Than the situation we found in Florider? * * Edgar Allen Poe * * Once upon a campaign dreary, one which left us weak and weary, O'er many a quaint and curious promise of political lore -- While we nodded, nearly napping, suddenly there came a yapping, As of some votes overlapping, energy-zapping to the core. "Tis a mess here," we all muttered, as the network anchors Stuttered, stuttered over Bush and Gore. Could there be another election, with such a case of misdirection, Yet fraught with tension to the core? Quoth the ravers, "Nevermore." * * Edward Lear * * There once was a U.S. election/That called for some expert detection:/ How thousands of pollers/Turned into "two-holers -- Like outhouses Of recollection. * * Ogden Nash * * I regret to admit that my knowledge is/What I learned at Electoral Colleges, So please tell me, (I hate to troub-ya),/Will the winner be Al, or Dub-ya? * * Joyce Kilmer * * I thought that I would never see/The networks all so up a tree. * * Walt Whitman * * O' Captain! My Captain! Our fearful trip's not done. The ship has weather'd every wrack, but no one knows who's won. * * Dr. Seuss * * I cannot count them in a box, I cannot count them with a fox. I cannot count them by computer, I will not with a Roto-Rooter. I cannot count them card by card, I will not 'cause it's way too hard. I cannot count them on my fingers, I will not while suspicion lingers. I'll leave the country in a jam, I can't count ballots, Sam-I-Am. * * And finally, Clement Moore * * 'Twas the month before Christmas, when all through the courts, All the plaintiffs made stirring "Bad Ballot" reports....(UNCREDITED)
"It is enough that the people know there was an election. The people who cast the votes decide nothing. The people who count the votes decide everything." - Josef Stalin
SERBIA SPEAKS! As reported in "The Onion," Serbian president Vojislav Kostunica deployed more than 30,000 peacekeeping troops to the U.S. Monday, pledging full support to the troubled North American nation as it struggles to establish democracy. "We must do all we can to support free elections in America and allow democracy to gain a foothold there," Kostunica said. "The U.S. is a major player in the Western Hemisphere and its continued stability is vital to Serbian interests in that region." Kostunica urged Al Gore, the U.S. opposition-party leader who is refusing to recognize the nation's Nov. 7 election results, to "let the democratic process take its course. Mr. Gore needs to acknowledge the will of the people and concede that he has lost this election," Kostunica said. Serbian forces have been stationed throughout the U.S., with an emphasis on certain trouble zones..."For democracy to take root and flourish, it must be planted in the rich soil of liberty. And the cornerstone of liberty is elections free of tampering or corruption," Kostunica said. "Should America prove itself incapable of learning this lesson on its own, the international community may be forced to take stronger measures." Though Kostunica has pledged to work with U.S. leaders, he did not rule out the possibility of economic sanctions if the crisis is not resolved soon.
"One has to be a lowbrow, a bit of a murderer, to be a politician; ready and willing to see people sacrificed, slaughtered, for the sake of an idea, whether a good one or a bad one." - Henry Miller
SCIENCE SQUAWKS! George W. Bush is now under treatment for two problems: electile dysfunction and premature congratulation. His VP, Dick Cheney, is recovering from a mild heart attack. His spin doctors report that the Legislative Chamber of his far right ventricle was clogged with dimpled chads. Also, Word Doctor Merl Reagle reports that the FDA has been looking for a generic name for Viagra. After considering Mycoxafloppin, Mydixadrupin and Mycoxafailin, they have settled on - Mydixarizin.
"If aliens landed now and asked you to take them to your leader, we'd be in trouble." - British comic Sean Meo,
EURO TRASH U.S. Douglas Herbert, CNN.com Europe writes of European reactions to our present electoral muddle: "Witness the title of a cover feature story that ran this week in The Guardian, one of Britain's leading national dailies: 'Only in Florida -- How America's weirdest state derailed the US election'.
The authors (including a Floridian), write about the state where a guy was charged with shooting his dog because he suspected it of "being gay", as "America's weird, troubled protuberance in the Caribbean, where a million Cuban exiles still plotting revenge against Castro, rub up against Jewish pensioners from Brooklyn, Haitian refugees and a shoal of opportunists, lost souls, and part-time Disney employees, all of whom have been known to act as if under the influence of the local swamp gas." The Internet has provided the ubiquitous "Notice of Revocation of Independence," informing us of the Queen Mother's intention to resume monarchical duties over her former colonies in the light of our failure "to elect a President of the USA and thus to govern yourselves...applying to all states, commonwealths and other territories -- except Utah which She does not fancy." And a Russian website calls for a 12-round boxing match at Madison Square Garden to end "the presidential imbroglio", followed by "a summit showdown with their own Judo master" -- President Vladimir Putin.
"We learn from history that we do not learn from history." - Hegel
PLANETEERS RULE!!! Ex-Committee-man Garry Goodrow writes, "I chuckle and giggle a lot lately as I walk down the street and glance at the headlines. At home, the front page of the Times has me chortling over my morning coffee. Way back in 1972-or-was-it-3, I was in Italy at Spoleto when the Watergate number was really getting rich. Every morning I'd walk down to the one newstand that sold the Tribune, and I'd stand there laughing out loud at the headlines while the international crowd gave me horrified glances. To them, I must have looked like a lunatic, but I was just having a good time." Funnyman Danny Mann observes: "As the campaign reached its penultimate day, the two major presidential candidates were finally in agreement about something -- Americans are seeing too much inappropriate material in popular entertainment. However, as usual, they disagreed on the details. "The Republican candidate stated that there is just too much bloody violence in the movies and on television while his Democratic opponent stated that the media present Americans with too much gratuitous sex, especially graphic frontal nudity. In other words -- Bush says there is too much gore. Gore says there is too much bush!!"
"You can fool too many people too much of the time." - James Thurber
FLORIDA FORCLOSES! To the American People: We Floridians have gotten together and decided to hold the Presidential election hostage until the rest of you come down and take your parents back home. We are sick and tired of hearing about how good it was back there, and how beautiful their grandchildren are. We're running out of Depends, and it could get messy. So -- you want a President, we want to be able to drive over 20 miles per hour. Do we have a deal? GW? Al? The People of Florida
"A good politician is quite as unthinkable as an honest burglar." - H.L. Mencken
THE NATION OF CHAD In Time magazine, "Dr. Notebook" says that according to the New Hacker's Dictionary, the word "chad" may come from the acronym "Card Hole Aggregate Debris" and not from the fallout caused by the recent release of "Chad & Jeremy's Greatest Hits." Then, the website <parlo.com suggested that "chad" can be translated as follows: In can'tonese, "dye toad tsee" or "Big Stomach Paper"; German, "schwanger Stanzabfall", or "Pregnant Punch Waste" and in Russian: "beremennaya konfetti" or "Pregnant Confetti". And finally, according to The New York Times' Anthony Lewis; "TEXAS election law, as it happens, provides for recounting punch-card ballots by hand...if '(1) at least two corners of the chad are detached, (2) light is visible through the hole, (3) an indentation on the chad from the stylus or other object is present and indicates a clearly ascertainable intent of the voter to vote, or (4) the chad reflects by other means a clearly ascertainable intent of the voter to vote'."
"I once said cynically of a politician, 'He'll double-cross that bridge when he comes to it.'" - Oscar Levant
BUT WHO'S COUNTING? Bob Herbert notes in The New York Times: "Incredibly, the year 2000 is almost over. It flew by in an instant. And yet the biggest story of the year, the presidential campaign that ended in a virtual deadlock, is moving so agonizingly slowly it seems to have stopped time altogether. Score one for relativity."
"All politics are based on the indifference of the majority." - James Reston.
VOTE LIKE A BUTTERFLY... The so-called "butterfly ballot" in Palm Beach County resulted in thousands of confused folks apparently voting for the greater of three evils; so Leesburg, Georgia psychologist Ron McGee put the design to the test by asking seventy-four 8-year-olds at a local elementary school to vote for their favorite Disney character on a copycat ballot. "No other directions were given and questions were not answered by teachers," McGee said. And guess what? Not a single student voted incorrectly -- which resulted in a TIE between Mickey Mouse and Goofy! Just like our election...
"Politics is not the art of the possible. It consists in choosing between the disastrous and the unpalatable. - John Kenneth Galbraith
ETERNAL FLAME Robert Trout, 91, is off the air. Most recently a producer/commentator on NPR's "All Things Considered", Trout has been a newsman since 1931 when he began his career on Virginia radio. It was he who referred to FDR's popular populist radio addresses as "fireside chats" and so indirectly helped to name "The Firesign Theatre."
"Great innovations should never be forced on slender majorities" - American Statesman John Calhoun
WHY DID THE TURKEY CROSS THE ROAD? * Vice President Gore: "I fight for the turkeys and I am fighting for the turkeys right now. I will not give up on the turkeys crossing the road! I will fight for the turkeys and I will not disappoint them." * Governor George W. Bush: "I don't believe we need to get the turkeys across the road. I say give the road to the turkeys and let them decide. The government needs to let go of strangling the turkeys so they can get across the road. * Senator Lieberman: "I believe that every turkey has the right to worship his or her God in his or her own way. Crossing the road is a spiritual journey and no turkey should be denied the right to cross the road in his or her own way. * Secretary Cheney: "Turkeys are big-time because they have wings. They could fly if they wanted to. Turkeys don't want to cross the road. They don't need help crossing the road. In fact, I'm not interested in crossing the road myself." * Ralph Nader: "Turkeys are misled into believing there is a road by the evil tire makers. Turkeys aren't ignorant, but our society pays tire makers to create the need for these roads and then lures turkeys into believing there is an advantage to crossing them. Down with the roads, up with turkeys." * Phil Proctor: "And now -- Let's Eat!!! And as the politician said to the ballot box:"GET STUFFED!" Maybe when it's all over, we'll know which turkey will be our next President...
"Do not call a working method corrupt just because you don't like the results. In a democratic union, not unlike a democratic country, people can get involved and change the system. I encourage all working actors to do so ...There is an old saying: America, Love It or Leave It. I will suggest the following instead: SAG, Love It or Change It." - Actor/Activist Andy Milder
+++++++++++(NOVEMBER 23, 2000)++++++++++ * FIRESIGN SITE: www.firesigntheatre.com * FIRESIGN PRODUCT: www.lodestone-media.com * FUNNY TIMES: www.funnytimes.com
PLANET PROCTOR (C) 2000 by Phil Proctor
-- Have a magic day and pass it on. Magic Mike http://funandmagic.com/
Subject: Incredible fire photo, Planet proctor Date: Thu, 23 Nov 2000 21:40:15 -0800 From: Magic Mike <mmb Organization: http://funandmagic.com http://homework4s.com To: you <mmb
Hi, Gobble Gobble. Today's photo is even more amazing than ones I have told you about before. See the eerie light of a forest blaze as stunned Elk avoid the fire sweeping through Montana's Bitterroot Valley by standing in a river. http://funandmagic.com/ . Enter and look for Photo Of The Day link. Planet Proctor Orbits the bottom today and tomorrow. Happy Thanksgiving! -Magic Mike
The couple are in the bedroom one night and they have just finished making love.
"Honey, did you enjoy the fun we just had?", he asks.
"Yes, of course, Dear.," She replies. Didn't you hear me laughing?"
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"I know a man who has been married for 25 years and he spends every evening at home."
"That's what I called love."
"No, the doctor called it paralysis."
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A woman sees a beautiful tennis bracelet in a jewelry store window. She goes in and asks the clerk if a small deposit will hold it until her husband does something unforgivable.
-=-=--=----=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-
Here's some things you can do to liven up YOUR Thanksgiving dinner:
** When everyone goes around to say what they are thankful for, say, "I'm thankful I didn't get caught!" and refuse to say anything more.
** Bring a date to dinner that only talks about the tragic and abusive conditions known to exist at turkey farms.
** During the dinner, turn to your mom and say, "See, mom? I *told* you they wouldn't notice the turkey was beyond the expiration date! You were worried about nothing!"
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Subject: PP 2000/25 Date: Thu, 16 Nov 2000 15:53:07 -0500 From: phil proctor <PProctor@compuserve.com To: 3 <pproctor@compuserve.com
(((((((((((((((((( PLANET PROCTOR 2000/25 - http://www.planetproctor.com
"America has spoken, but no one knows what she said." - President Clinton
TV OR NOT TV "Everything you know is wrong. So said the Firesign Theatre back in 1974, but it never seemed more true than Tuesday night and Wednesday morning, when the 2000 election turned televised political coverage on its head. And left it there." So begins Bill Goodykoontz's "Arizona Republic" column forwarded by Dr. John. Bill then quotes anchorman Tom Brokaw as saying, "What the networks giveth, the networks taketh away." But that's nuttin' compared to Dan Rather's live remarks during election night, which I've pasted together here: "This race is as tight as the rusted lug nuts on a 57 Ford -- tight like a too small bathing suit on a too long ride home from the beach, it's spandex tight! You talk about a ding-dong, knock-down, get-up race -- this election swings like one of those pendulum thing. Tipper is probably telling her husband to hook a U, go back to the house to get a recount. Although Bush swept through the South like a tornado through a trailer park, it's too early to say he has the whip hand. They both have champagne on ice, but after the night is over, they might need a pickaxe to open them -- we're going to go to some of those longnecks from a long time ago. When it comes to a race like this, I'm a long distance runner and an all day hunter. The big burrito out there is California, but Al Gore has his back to the wall, shirt tails on fire with this race in Florida. Florida is the whole deal, the real deal, a big deal. Smelling salts for all Democrats, please. If he doesn't carry Florida, Slim will have left town. Only votes talk -- everything else walks. What we know is that there will be no decision until some of those races are decided. It's the American way: if you don't vote, you don't get to whine. None of this television mumbo jumbo, let's get in there and count the votes. When the going gets weird, anchor men punt. Maybe you can bring some perspective on this, we're plum out...to err is human, but to really foul up requires a computer. If a frog had side pockets, he'd carry a hand gun."
"A tie is like kissing your sister. It's frustrating." - Larry King
THE PLANET SPEAKS! First, Bob Claster responded to the announcement of Steve Allen's death: "Steve Allen's heart was more than apparent. Or as I said when I heard the news: 'This could be the end of something big.'" Then, on our electile dysfunction, Garry Goodrow leads off with: "Amazing how many of my countrymen have mastered yoga. It takes a lot of discipline to get your head up your own ass. On radio station WEVD in Manhattan this morning, callers were blaming the mess on Nader. They pointed out that Nader is Lebanese, and therefore is part of an anti-semitic plot against Joe Lieberman. Lieberman, meanwhile, by hedging his bets, is handing the Republicans a Senate seat. In Missouri, the voters showed a fine grasp of nuance. They elected a fully dead Democrat and defeated a Republican incumbent who was merely brain dead. Let's laugh it up, shall we? IN RISU VERITAS." Milan-Pareos comments that "Mexicans are rolling in the streets with laughter over the fact that the state that will decide the election, the state with voting irregularities and a recount, the state that they are convinced will eventually go to candidate Bush, has as its governor the brother of that same candidate." Of course, they're having recount "problemas" of their own! Writer Hank Rosenfeld wrote that an acquaintance noticed a Florida banner on CNN saying: "A Vote For Gore Is A Vote For Buchanan", George in Cleveland Heights eyed a bumper sticker saying: "If you can read this...you're not from West Palm Beach", and Garry Margolis spotted an interesting sign in front of the Grand Casino bakery in Culver City: "Florida ballots -- 4/$1". But my personal fave is this bottom screen runner on CNN: "Bush Campaign Says Hand Counts Subject To Manipulation." Finally, an e-note from our dear friend and CEO of Audio Theatre's LodesTone, Richard Fish, who's presently recovering from a nasty traffic mishap in Bloomington, Indiana, which totaled his car. "Interestingly, I had just finished charging our biggest injury lawyer (back-of-the-phone-book Ken Nunn, call 333-HURT) for a new answering-machine announcement. Maybe I can still sell him on the slogan he turned down: 'The Best Lawyer You Can Have Is Nunn.'"
"Lawyers and computers have both been proliferating
since 1970. Sadly, lawyers, unlike computers, have not gotten twice as
smart and half as expensive every 18 months." - From Magic Mike
RINGS RATTLE ROYALS! HRM, the Queen, has banned Royal servants from carrying mobile phones at Buckingham Palace as their ringing is rattling her off the hook! The axe fell after several Family meals were interrupted by trilling mobiles - some playing melodies like the theme to Hawaii Five-O and the Colonel Bogey March, known in the UK as "Bollocks". "It is fair to say the Queen was not amused when the phones started ringing incessantly," a Palace source revealed. More than half of the 300 "below stairs" workers now carry mobiles in special pockets in their jacket tails -- originally designed to hold orders for the day. Some servants have protested asking, "What are we going to do if there is a family emergency?" But the Royal Family takes precedence. A senior courtier said the staff is at liberty to use the phones during breaks and added: "There are a number of pay phones dotted about the Palace..."
"[I]f Democrats had wanted Gore to be president, they should have voted for impeachment." - Comedian Argus Hamilton
I'M HAVING A SPELL "Information? I need the number of the Caseway Insurance Company." "Would you spell that, please?" "Certainly. C as in sea. A as in aye. S as in sea. E as in eye. W as in why. A as in are. Y as in you." "Just a minute, sir. I'll connect you with my supervisor." (M. Mike)
"Election officials become concerned old folks were punching too many holes in the ballots when they heard people shout, 'Bingo!'" - Craig Kilborn
EJOPBCFPB UNITE!!! According to writer Tom Rainey, a group of irate citizens from Century Village, West Palm Beach, part of a Florida county that apparently cast 3,407 votes for Buchanan and had 16,000 voided as double-punched votes, held a press conference recently when a judge issued an injunction prohibiting a recount. The so-called "Elderly Jews of Palm Beach County for Pat Buchanan" said: "We are offended by Media reports that old people are too stupid to vote correctly. We're here to say that we, as Elderly Jews, are tired of being racially profiled as anti-fascist, and anti-master race."
"A little rebellion now and then is a good thing." - Thomas Jefferson
MIDDLE EASTERN DIPLOMACY? An Arab was walking through the Sahara desert, desperate for water, when he saw something far off in the distance. Hoping to find water, he walked towards the image only to find a little old Jewish man sitting at a card table with a bunch of neckties laid out on it. The Arab asked, "Please, I'm dying of thirst, can I have some water?" The man replied "I don't have any water, but why don't you buy a tie? Here's one that goes nicely with your robes." The Arab shouted, "I don't want a tie, you idiot. I need water!" "OK, don't buy a tie, but to show you what a nice guy I am, I'll tell you that over that hill there, about four miles, is a nice restaurant. Walk that way, they'll give you all the water you want" The Arab thanked him, walked away towards the hill and eventually disappeared. Three hours later, the Arab came crawling back to where the man was sitting behind his card table, who said, "I told you it was about four miles over that hill. Couldn't you find it?" The Arab replied, "I found it alright. They wouldn't let me in without a tie." (From Herb & Barbara Blitzstein)
"If you make something idiot-proof, they'll come up with a better idiot!" - Author John Seibel
MONKEYING WITH CREATION Heaven -- Reminiscing Monday, God wondered aloud what happened to "That one planet I made, like, four and a half billion years ago, the one with all the monkeys. Man, I haven't thought about that planet like, forever," God said. "I have no idea why it suddenly popped into My head. I remember it was really crude, one of My weaker early efforts, back when I was experimenting with the oxygen atmospheres and those ridiculous carbon-based life forms. And I was on that whole upper-primate kick. Huh." God said He couldn't remember the planet's name but was pretty sure it was "Something like Ursh or Orth or maybe Ert."
"Religion is wonderful stuff for keeping a common people quiet." - Napoleon
BURY FUNNY The London Times notes that Leo Tolstoy is interred in Russia, Oscar Wilde in Paris and Joseph Conrad in can'terbury, but their creations -- Anna Karenina, Dorian Gray and Mr. "Heart of Darkness" Kurtz have been given tombstones in a shady woodland cemetery in northern Italy. Indeed, the Italian Roman Catholic newspaper "Avvenire" writes that for many real people, ficticious characters like these from literature, theatre and films are "as real as their friends, neighbors and relations -- in some cases, perhaps more so"." So at this new "cemetery of imaginary characters" created by 50-year-old Franco Ferrero, visitors can leave flowers, candles and pray at headstones in the fungi-filled chestnut woods near the Piedmont village of Poca Paglia, for the late Anna Karenina, Dorian Gray, and Marion Crane -- Janet Leigh's "Psycho" persona, stabbed to death in Hitchcock's famous shower scene. "When we close a book, when the curtain comes down in the theatre or when the lights go up in the cinema, we are often sorry to lose the people we have got to know," says Franco, who adds that anyone can approach the cemetery committee. "Fans of particular characters have to make a good case, and supply tombstones."
"In Florida, our dead voters generally go Republican, [but] I wouldn't be surprised if Elian Gonzales cast a vote." - Florida author Carl Hiaasen, on "The Today Show"
TRUTH OR DARE While in the UK, I came across an article (www.express.co.uk) that made me order another pint immediately. Written by a Jack Gee from Paris, it claims that two French Jewish scholars, Messod and Roger Sabbah, have compared Old Testament accounts of the Exodus with 3,3000 year-old Egyptian hieroglyphic writings and conclude that "the so-called Hebrews" were actually Egyptians who ran into difficulties when they claimed that there was only one God and were expelled along with their followers from Akhet-Aton "as punishment for disavowal of the state religion." And Moses? I hope Charlton Heston isn't reading this, because the biblical Moses is described as "just a myth" created to depict the divine powers of pharaoh Rameses I! His symbols of authority? The snake and the rod. Comparisons of Hebrew spellings with the hieroglyphs also reveal that Abraham, Isaac and others were actually just Egyptian princes, and Sarah and Rebecca - princesses. Barman, draw me another. Wait! Make it a Mogen David!
"Under democracy one party always devotes its chief energies to trying to prove that the other party is unfit to rule -- and both commonly succeed, and are right." - Writer, editor, and critic, H.L. Mencken
WHAT REALLY COOUNTS Finally, here's what's happening in our district. I 'm reprising my voice-over role as the drunk French monkey in "Dr. Doolittle 2" which is still filming at 20th Century Fox, and my character, "Howard", opens tomorrow nation-wide in the "Rugrats in Paris" movie. Ooh la la! On Thanksgiving Day, here in L.A., you can hear me barking as Toto in the Otherworld Media star-studded adaptation of "The Wonderful Wizard of Oz" from 9am-1pm on KCRW. And Melinda and I are presently in rehearsal for the Antaeus presentation of Gilbert & Sullivan's "Trial by Jury", which has been selectively updated to represent legal life in L.A. and will be presented at a fund-raiser at the site of our future theater, New Place on Vineland in NoHo, December 18th. And a parting thought...
"No party holds the privilege of dictating to me how I shall vote. If loyalty to party is a form of patriotism, I am no patriot. If there is any valuable difference between a monarchist and an American, it lies in the theory that the American can decide for himself what is patriotic and what isn't. I claim that difference. I am the only person in the sixty millions that is privileged to dictate my patriotism." - Mark Twain
+++++++++++(NOVEMBER 16, 2000)++++++++++ * FIRESIGN SITE: www.firesigntheatre.com * FIRESIGN PRODUCT: www.lodestone-media.com * FUNNY TIMES: www.funnytimes.com
PLANET PROCTOR (C) 2000 by Phil Proctor
-- Have a magic day and pass it on. Magic Mike http://funandmagic.com/
Subject: Marigold Dreams, Planet Proctor Date: Mon, 20 Nov 2000 11:02:07 -0800 From: Magic Mike <mmb To: you <mmb
Hi, Today's photo recommendation is a close-up of Colorado Marigolds. See it at my photo page http://funandmagic.com/ . Here is a Planet Proctor that I believe I missed, that came in the day before the elections. It had a prophetic message at the end. Did you neglect or waste YOUR vote?
IT HAPPENS 1800-1 vote gives Thomas Jefferson the presidency over Aaron Burr 1839-1 vote wins the Massachusetts governorship for Marcus Morton 1868-1 vote saves Andrew Johnson's presidency 1941-1 vote strengthens selective service before World War II 1960-1 vote per precinct gives JFK the presidency 2000-1 vote, your vote, can make the difference. November 7th. Be the ONE.
A travel agent looked up from his desk and saw an older lady and an older gentleman peering into the shop window, where there were posters of glamorous destinations around the world. The agent had had a good week and the dejected couple looking in the window gave him a rare feeling of generosity. He called them into his shop.
"I know that on your pension you could never hope to have a holiday, so I am sending you to a fabulous resort at my expense and I won't take no for an answer."
He took them inside and asked his secretary to write two flight tickets and book a room in a five-star hotel. The older lady and gentleman, as could be expected, gladly accepted and were off!
About a month later, the little lady came in to the travel agency.
"And how did you like your holiday?" the agent asked eagerly.
"The flight was exciting, and the room was lovely," she said. "I've come to thank you. But, one thing puzzled me. Who was that old guy I had to share the room with?"
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Four old cowboys are having a discussion about what is the fastest thing in the world.
First cowboy says, "I believe it's thinking, 'cause when you prick your finger or touch a flame, the pain instantly becomes thought and hits the brain."
Second cowboy says, "Well, I think its blinking. When you blink and open your eyes again, you immediately see everything. Nothing is changed."
Third cowboy says, "Well, I think it's light, 'cause as soon as you press that light switch, you go from dark to instant light."
Fourth cowboy says, "Well, I think it's the Mexican-two-step diarrhea."
All the others ask simultaneously, "Diarrhea? Why?"
Fourth cowboy says, "I'll explain it to you. I went across the border to a saloon last night and drank a buncha homemade Mexican tequila. On the way home from the saloon, I stopped off at Lupe's cafe and ate two helpings of her Mexican Special, which had been warmed over a time or two, and a buncha jalapeno and some chili peppers I never saw before."
First cowboy asks, "So, what's that got to do with speed or diarrhea?"
Fourth cowboy says, "Well, later on when I was in bed, I felt this fire and fierce rumbling in my belly, and before I could think, or blink, or turn that damn light on . . ."
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I AM WOMAN -- HEAR ME ROAR! If you don't open my door.
I CAN DO ANYTHING A MAN CAN DO! But I don't have to.
I AM NOT YOUR HOOKER! But you're still gonna pay.
SEX IS A SPECIAL THING! And a damn good weapon.
MY BODY BELONGS TO ME! Until I get a dinner and a movie.
I DON'T SLEEP AROUND! Until I do a credit check.
I CAN FIGHT IN COMBAT! But I can't kill a spider.
I NEVER TELL A LIE! But I will fake an orgasm.
I'M THE REAL MCCOY! Except for my boobs and my face.
I'M VERY PROUD OF MY AGE! Which is none of your damned business.
-=--=-=-=-=--=-=-=-=-=-=-
"Can you explain to me how this lipstick got on your collar?" the suspicious wife sneered.
"No, I can't," the husband replied. "I distinctly remember taking my shirt off."
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-=
Subject: PP 2000/24 Date: Mon, 6 Nov 2000 21:09:43 -0500
(((((((((((((((((( PLANET PROCTOR 2000/24 - http://www.planetproctor.com
"In 1956, upon being told that he had all the 'thinking people' on his side, Democratic presidential candidate Adlai Stevenson replied,'That's wonderful. But I need a majority.'" - Salon.com
FOR STARTERS... Guess which president since WW II, choosing among 5 Republicans (Eisenhower, Nixon, Ford, Reagan and Bush) and 5 Democrats (Truman, Kennedy, Johnson, Carter and Clinton), did best on the following measures of the nation's economy: 1. Largest growth in gross domestic product? 2. Largest growth in jobs? 3. Biggest increase in personal disposable income after taxes? 4. Largest growth in industrial production? 5. Largest rise in hourly wages? 6. Lowest Misery Index (inflation plus unemployment). 7. Lowest inflation? 8. Largest reduction in deficit? (Answers at end)
"Clinton lied. A man might forget where he parks or where he lives, but he never forgets oral sex, no matter how bad it is."- Former 1st Lady Barbara Bush (sic)
FST AND THE SPACED STATION From Canada Cat, this unsolicited message: "I'm watching a 1996 documentary called "Timothy Leary's Dead" on Canada's history channel, and in a section about the naked people of Berkeley, a semi-naked man labeled Marty, engineer, says, 'When I was a little kid I wanted to be an astronaut, to go into space. And then, when I got older, it seemed to me that the people who go into space are like the Firesign Theatre said -- People who like to sleep in tubes and push buttons. Adventurers like YOU. ' Then I check my email and it's the new Planet Proctor where you announced your daughter is appearing in a play directed by Tim O'Leary." Coincidence? We don't think so...
"A story about the late Peter Cook at a party: Peter Cook: What do you do? Party Guest: I'm writing a book. Peter Cook: Neither am I." - Ivan Berger
A GOOD READ The Wall Street Journal is read by the people who run the country. The NY Times is read by people who think they run the country. The Washington Post is read by people who think they ought to run the country. USA Today is read by people who think they ought to run the country but don't understand the Washington Post. The LA Times is read by people who wouldn't mind running the country, if they could spare the time. The Boston Globe is read by people whose parents used to run the country. The NY Daily News is read by people who aren't too sure who's running the country. The NY Post is read by people who don't care who's running the country, as long as they do something scandalous. The San Francisco Chronicle is read by people who aren't sure there is a country, or that anyone is running it. The Miami Herald is read by people who are running another country.
"I've got gay supporters. I don't ask their sexual orientation though."- George W.
PIGS CAN FLY! Yes, dear friends, but do they live in trees? From various sources,(thanks, Charles) including "News of the Weird" (so I KNOW it's true), comes the crooked tale of the 200-pound squealer who flew first class from Philadelphia to Seattle. On Oct. 17, the six-hour US Airways flight carried 201 passengers - 200 humans and a hog, seated on the floor. ``We can confirm that the pig traveled," said a company spokesman, and we can confirm that it will never happen again." A cousin of the alleged owner said the piggy, named "Charlotte", is a frequent flyer and a world-class squealer. She said her cousin is interested in holistic medicine and bodybuilding, and recently moved to the Seattle area with her mother using a doctor's note to convince the ground crew that the porker was a "service animal". An anonymous eyewitness claims that "The pig passed within four feet of us, ranting and squealing. But we were lucky. Right before it passed our way, it took a big pow. It powed like a pig, all over the US Airways carpet." Later, as the plane approached Seattle, Charlotte apparently went hog-wild, charging through the aisles, and after failing to break into the cockpit, taking refuge in the galley. The swine was lured off the craft with tossed leftovers, then dragged away by its two handlers. The FAA is focusing on whether US Airways violated its own animal transportation policy and whether the pig was a flight safety hazard. But in spite of all the brouhaha, there was beauty in the beast, "I have to admit that pig was a pretty thing," admitted a fellow traveller, "Reddish-brown with a pink bow tied to its tail." (Sounds like the Sheriff's girl to me).
"'Angryman'" is the story of a guy who gets fed up with the world and takes revenge. Shooting begins next week..." - Daily Variety, 10/27 from Taylor Jessen
WOOF And if that's not enough to squeal about, according to funnyman Lenny Weinrib, a Canadian woman, Sylvaine Marie Martin-Kostajnesk, became aggressive after drinking an entire bottle of cognac to ward off her fear of flying. She was jailed for 50 days after growling like a dog and biting an airline attendant on a flight from France to Canada. After serving her time, she relocated to Paris -- where growling like a dog and biting is considered foreplay.
"Wayne Kline described a bad sitcom writing room as like taking a plane to Europe every day. 'Ten hours in a cramped room, with two bad meals, surrounded by people you wouldn't normally even talk to.'" - From an interview in WGAw's "Written By" with political gag writer Bob Dolan Smith
FUNNY BONE FOUND IN BRAIN! During a week when the most basic particle (or God part) of the universe was apparently discovered, a multinational team of astronauts took up residence in the world's first Space Station, and doctors revealed that stem cells may soon be harvested from human marrow and cadaver skin instead of fetuses to regenerate damaged neurons, my brother-in-law, Jim Brice informed me that Dr Dean Shibata, at Rochester's NY University, uncovered the source of laughter. In the following abstract of a paper to be presented at the Radiological Society of North America conference later this month, the Doctor reports on how functional MRI (fMRI) which tracks and measures blood as it flows to regions of metabolic activity, elucidates his research: "PURPOSE: Humor is perhaps the most frequently experienced emotion in our lives and it is an integral part of our personality, yet its physiology is very poorly understood. In particular, the brain regions governing the cognition of humor, the emotion of accompanying mirth, and the expression of laughter are essentially all unknown. In this functional magnetic resonance imaging (FMRI) study we design a series of paradigms to untangle these components and map the brain regions involved in laughter and humor appreciation. METHOD; Four fMRI scans were performed on 13 volunteers. In the first scan, subjects listened to laughter and were asked to laugh along internally. The second task involved listening to the same stimulus, but not laughing along. In the third scan jokes were presented as series of text slides while the fourth involved nonverbal cartoons [and] subjects answered post-scan questionnaires regarding the last two scan stimuli. RESULTS: Listening to laughter elicited bilateral (RL) superior temporal gyrus activation in the first two scans. The internal laughter of the first scan was associated with a large focus of activity in the anterior supplemental motor cortex (SMA) with smaller foci in the right premotor cortex and ventromedial frontal (VMF) lobe. The joke and cartoon viewing associated most strongly with bilateral (LR) VMF activity with additional loci in the right amygdala and SMA. Interestingly, the cartoon viewing resulted in prominent left perisylvian activation. CONCLUSION: The cognitive aspect of both verbal and nonverbal humor appears based in the ventral medial frontal lobe consistent with a recent study of humor appreciation in patients with cerebral lesions and correlating with hypofunction of this region in major depression. The emotional aspect of humor is most likely related to the right amygdala which has been reported to be involved in other positive emotions. The act of laughter correlated most strongly with the anterior SMA in association with right premotor cortex which is supported by a recent case report of intraoperative SMA electrical stimulation." Well, now we know!!!
"If you really want something in life you have to work for it. Now quiet, they're about to announce the lottery numbers." -- Homer Simpson
IF RELIGION WERE BASEBALL Amish would walk, Pagans would sacrifice, Quakers wouldn't swing, Dunkers would be down by three, Fundamentalists would balk, Unitarians could catch anything, Mormons would stay in left field, Evangelicals would make the pitch, Episcopalians would pass the plate, Jews would blame a loss on anti-Zionists, Buddhists would blame it on bad karma, Baptists would like to play hardball best, Atheists would refuse to have an Umpire, Televangelists would get caught stealing, Calvinists would believe the game is fixed, Palestinians would blame it on the settlers, Adventists would have a seventh-inning stretch, Jehovah's Witnesses would be thrown out often, Catholics would stop the game to confess every error and Lutherans would believe they can't win, but trust the Scorekeeper anyway. ("Take A Break" by George)
"I'm astounded by people who take eighteen years to write something. That's how long it took that guy to write 'Madame Bovary', and was that ever on the best-seller list?" - Sylvester Stallone (Take A Break)
BYE-HO, STEVERINO! Steve Allen -- disk jockey, comedian, actor, producer, recording artist on 49 albums, jazz pianist, writer of over 4000 songs and 53 books, playwright, game show host, inventor of the "Tonight" show, long-time skeptic and social activist, and a genuine genius - died peacefully of an apparent heart while taking a nap at his son's home in Encino, Calif., the night before Halloween. He was 78. Of course, I worked with him. First on a TV variety show called "The Book of Lists" and later on Comic Relief. He also narrated a NPR Special on the Firesign Theatre. He always had his little tape recorder with him and regularly stopped in conversation to articulate a thought to be transcribed later by his secretary. He was so prolific and generous of his time and talents that few of us in the entertainment industry didn't know him or were not influenced by him. (I took goo-goo dolls to school to disrupt my class!) What a legacy! And the gavel fell as well on Ring Lardner, Jr. I'll take the Fifth and drink to his courage.
"Be as devoted to the truth as a prelate of the church is to God; not facts, per se, for they are but appearance. In them and beneath them is truth - and truth is what writing is all about." - Ex-con/author Edward Bunker
FLORES PARA LOS MUERTES The World Weird Web encounters plenty of difficult-to-explain sites, but "FamousFarewells.com" takes the prize. This ''celebrity condolence service'' offers fans an easy way to send remembrances and even flowers to the survivors of their favorite deceased personalities -- stars ranging from Humphrey Bogart to Stanley Kubrick and Don Ameche. (Although Steve Allen was not on the site late Tuesday.) Now ''You'll never, ever again feel that you let your celebrity down because you didn't honor them after they spent a lifetime providing you with awesome entertainment.'' Wait no more! Go on (line) and send that Bill Bixby condolence card...
"That God won't let me into Heaven because I'm too evil, and the Devil won't let me into Hell because he's afraid I'll take over." - Phil Spector's "greatest fear" in Esquire's "Questionnaire" column
AND THE ANSWERS ARE... 1.Truman; 2. Carter; 3. Johnson; 4. Kennedy; 5. Johnson; 6. Truman; 7. Truman; 8. Clinton. In the Economic Sweepstakes, Democratic presidents trounce Republicans 8 times out of 8. The stock market has also performed better under Democrats. The Dow Jones industrial average during the 20th century has risen, on average, 7.3 % a year under Republicans. Under Democrats, it rose 10.3%, which means investors gained 41% more. (L. A. Times by UC Berkley's Arthur Blaustein)
Two fonts walk into a bar. The barman says to them, "Get out. We don't serve your type here." - Anonymous
1T HAPPENS 1800-1 vote gives Thomas Jefferson the presidency over Aaron Burr 1839-1 vote wins the Massachusetts governorship for Marcus Morton 1868-1 vote saves Andrew Johnson's presidency 1941-1 vote strengthens selective service before World War II 1960-1 vote per precinct gives JFK the presidency 2000-1 vote, your vote, can make the difference November 7th. Be the ONE.
+++++++++++(NOVEMBER 6, 2000)++++++++++ * FIRESIGN SITE: www.firesigntheatre.com * FIRESIGN PRODUCT: www.lodestone-media.com * FUNNY TIMES: www.funnytimes.com * PLANET PROCTOR: http://www.planetproctor.com
PLANET PROCTOR (C) 2000 by Phil Proctor -- Have a magic day and pass it on. Magic Mike http://funandmagic.com/
Subject: Pike's Peak Date: Sun, 19 Nov 2000 13:42:23 -0800 From: Magic Mike <mmb To: you <mmb
Hi, I spent some time in Colorado in the mid 70's as a disk jockey in Fort Collins. See Pike's Peak, from the North face, reflecting in water, at dawn. Go to my photo of the day. http://funandmagic.com/ . I still don't understand why the argument of these chads isn't clearer. It is obvious from whatever condition they are in, that if the area showed activity that is a voter, one voter, voting. If the hole or chad is in Gore's area, it stands to reason there probably is no activity in Bush's. If the chad is in Bush's, it is obviously not Gore's. Yet each ballot, that didn't get counted by a machine, is a vote that someone wanted to cast. It should be counted. How will recounting ballots in heavily Democratic areas change anything more than counting all those voters votes, so that votes that were not counted by machines could be counted. Isn't that the law, and reasonable, when the vote is so close? Would someone who supports the Bush idea on this explain it to me, why these people who voted shouldn't be counted? As for absentee ballots that have been thrown out, the law is specific as to what ballots should be counted. People with absentee ballots have a lot of time, months, to send them in and fill them out and sign them. I think people should stick to the facts, and the law, instead of emotional rhetoric, whining, and finger pointing. I'd rather having the leader of the people than the leader of the machines. -Magic Mike
Sandy began a job as an elementary school counselor and was eager to help. One day during recess she noticed a girl standing by herself on one side of a playing field while the rest of the kids enjoyed a game of soccer at the other.
Sandy approached and asked if she was all right.
The girl said she was.
A little while later, however, Sandy noticed the girl was in the same spot, still by herself.
Approaching again, Sandy offered, "Would you like me to be your friend?"
The girl hesitated, then said, "Okay," looking at the woman suspiciously.
Feeling she was making progress, Sandy then asked, "Why are you standing here all alone?"
"Because," the little girl said with great exasperation, "I'm the goalie!"
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A man had just gotten his annual physical. The doctor took him back to his office and said,
"You had a great check-up. Is there anything that you'd like to talk about or ask me?"
"Well," the patient said, "I was thinking about getting a vasectomy."
"That's a pretty big decision," the doctor said. "Have you talked it over with your family?"
"Yeah," the man replied.
"Well," asked the doctor, "what did they think?"
And the patient answered,
"They're in favor, 15 to 2."
-- Have a magic day and pass it on. Magic Mike http://funandmagic.com/
Subject: Cathedral Rock Reflections - Colorado, Turkey Stuff Date: Fri, 17 Nov 2000 10:18:38 -0800 From: Magic Mike <mmb To: you <mmb
Hi, Today's Photo Of The Day is Cathedral Rock Reflections - "Since Garden of the Gods is virtually my backyard, it's easy to make this place my most photographed area. During the Spring of 98, we received a tremendous amount of rain, along with flooding. After a large pond of water developed in the park, I was up every morning to photograph sunrise reflections." Essence of Colorado. Brian D. Riebesell - PhotoTripUSA. Stop by and see it. http://funandmagic.com/ Serve your family and pets the cleanest, Healthiest water.
They had been married about a year when one day the wife came running up to her husband jumping for joy. Not knowing how to react, the husband started jumping up amd down along with her. "Why are we so happy?" he asked. "Honey, I have some really great news for you!" She said. "Great" he said, tell me what you're so happy about." She stopped jumping and was breathless from all the jumping up and down. "I'm pregnant!" she gasped. The husband was ecstatic as they had been trying for a while. He grabbed her, kissed her, and started telling her how wonderful it was, and that he couldn't be happier. Then she said "Oh, honey there's more." "What do you mean more?", he asked. "Well we are not having just one baby, we are going to have TWINS!" Amazed at how she could know so soon after getting pregnant, he asked her how she knew. "It was easy" she said, "I went to the pharmacy and bought the 2 pack home pregnancy test kit and both tests came out positive!"
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--==
"Strange State Laws"
Tennessee * Driving while asleep is unlawful * It is illegal to use a lasso to catch a fish * You can't shoot any game other than whales from a moving automobile * Hollow logs may not be sold * It is illegal for a woman to call a man for a date in Dyersburg * In Memphis, it is illegal for a woman to drive a car unless there is a man either running or walking in front of it waving a red flag to warn approaching motorists and pedestrians * Also in Memphis, it is illegal for frogs to croak after 11:00 PM * Panhandlers must first obtain a $10 permit before begging on the streets of downtown Memphis * It is illegal to give any pie to fellow diners in Memphis, and it is illegal to take unfinished pie home. All pie must be eaten on the premises * In Lenoir City, when you pull up to a stop sign, you must fire a gun out of the window to warn horse carriages that you are coming * In Oneida, a city ordinance forbids anyone to sing the song, "It Ain't Gonna Rain No Mo'"
Alabama * Putting salt on a railroad track may be punishable by death * It is also illegal for a driver to be blindfolded while operating a vehicle
Florida * It is considered an offense to shower naked * It is illegal to sing in a public place while attired in a swimsuit * A special law prohibits an unmarried woman from parachuting on Sunday, or she shall risk arrest, fine and/or jailing * Key West chickens are considered a "protected species" * And in Tampa it is illegal to eat cottage cheese on Sunday after 6:00 PM
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A priest who was walking through a small town saw a blackboard outside the front door of a school.
It had been washed and put out to dry in the open air. There was a piece of chalk at the foot of the blackboard, so the priest took it and wrote in large letters, 'I'm a priest and I pray for you all.'
A lawyer happened to pass next and when he saw what the priest had written, he added under it, 'I'm a lawyer and I defend you all.'
Then a doctor came by, took the piece of chalk and wrote on the blackboard, 'I'm a doctor and I cure you all.'
Finally an ordinary citizen stopped, looked at what the others had written, thought for a few seconds and then added, 'And I am an ordinary citizen and I pay for you all.'
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"The 12 Days of Thanksgiving..." (or what seems like years)
On the First Day..... We give thanks for the fresh turkey feast and its hot trimmings.
On the Second Day..... We bless the cold turkey sandwiches, sloshy cranberry sauce, and hard rolls.
On the Third Day..... We praise the turkey pie and vintage mixed veggies.
On the Fourth Day..... We thank the pilgrims for not serving bison that first time, or we'd be celebrating Thanksgiving until April.
On the Fifth Day..... We gobble up cubed bird casserole and pray for a glimpse of a naked turkey carcass.
On the Sixth Day..... We show gratitude (sort of) to the creative cook who slings cashews at the turkey and calls it Oriental.
On the Seventh Day..... We forgive our forefathers and pass the turkey-nugget pizza.
On the Eighth Day..... The word vegetarian keeps popping into our heads.
On the Ninth Day..... We check our hair to make sure we're not beginning to sprout feathers.
On the Tenth Day..... We hope that the wing meat kabobs catch fire under the broiler.
On the Eleventh Day..... We smile over the creamed gizzard because the thigh bones are in sight.
On the Twelfth Day..... We apologize for running out of turkey leftovers. And everybody says Amen.
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-=-=-
"Thanksgiving Forecast"
In the pre-Thanksgiving rush, we have received an early weather report from our in-house weather reporters. This is one, you should be sure to email your Mom.
Turkeys will thaw in the morning, then warm in the oven to an afternoon high near 190F. The kitchen will turn hot and humid, and if you bother the cook, be ready for a severe squall or cold shoulder.
During the late afternoon and evening, the cold front of a knife will slice through the turkey, causing an accumulation of one to two inches on plates. Mashed potatoes will drift across one side while cranberry sauce creates slippery spots on the other. Please pass the gravy.
A weight watch and indigestion warning have been issued for the entire area, with increased stuffiness around the beltway. During the evening, the turkey will diminish and taper off to leftovers, dropping to a low of 34F in the refrigerator.
Looking ahead to Friday and Saturday, high pressure to eat sandwiches will be established. Flurries of leftovers can be expected both days with a 50 percent chance of scattered soup late in the day. We expect a warming trend where soup develops. By early next week, eating pressure will be low as the only wish left will be the bone.
-- Have a magic day and pass it on. Magic Mike http://funandmagic.com/
Subject: Colorado's Blue Lake Date: Thu, 16 Nov 2000 11:18:01 -0800 From: Magic Mike <mmb To: mmb
Hi, Today's desktop recommendation is "Turquoise on Blue Lake - During a solo backpack trip, on a partly cloudy day, I was able to find a view point that allowed me to capture the sun's spotlight on Blue Lake. It was fantastic to see how the sunlight brought out the turquoise color. These beautiful alpine tarns are easy to find in the high country of Colorado. Essence of Colorado - by Brian D. Riebesell". Stop by my Photo Links page and see it. http://funandmagic.com/ . While there, get a deal on long distance, cell phones, and get a FREE DISH Satellite system. I got my water filter refill in the mail yesterday. $50 and it will be taking out 99% of the crud in my water for 750 gallons. That's 6 cents a gallon. And you should have SEEN what the old one looked like! Yuk! If you don't have a filter, you ARE the filter. Are you buying water you don't know about for 30 cents to 60 cents a gallon? You know, Multi-Pure will give you a 30 money back guarantee trial, or let you pay over a year with no interest. . -Magic Mike
The dentist said my wisdom teeth were retarded.
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A Workable Compromise
Americans have always been know to like compromises. Possibly a simple compromise could resolve this election without all the pain and recriminations of a prolonged vote count dispute.
Bush can be president on Mondays, Wednesdays and Fridays. Gore can be president on Tuesdays, Thursdays and Saturdays. And on Sundays, Lieberman can be president so Bush and Gore can go to church.
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The Judge admonished the witness, "Do you understand that you have sworn to tell the truth?"
"I do."
"Do you understand what will happen if you are not truthful?"
"Sure," said the witness. "My side will win."
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A judge enters the courtroom, strikes the gavel and says, "Before I begin this trial, I have an announcement to make. The lawyer for the defense has paid me $15,000 to swing the case his way. The lawyer for the plaintiff has paid me $10,000 to swing the case her way. In order to make this a fair trial, I am returning $5,000 to the defense."
Here's the George W. Bush quote of the day: "More and more of our imports are coming from overseas." (Jay Leno)
Q: What do you call female Viagra? A: Jewelry
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An elderly Jewish man is bumped by a car while crossing the street. He is seemingly unhurt, but his wife persuades him to go to the doctor, just in case. He returns home, and his wife says--
"Nu, vos zogt der doktor?"
"Der doktor zogt az ich hob a flucky." ["The doctor says I have a flucky."]
"Oy, gevalt! A flucky! Terrible! What do you do for a flucky?"
"I don't know--he didn't say, and I forgot to ask." Well, by this time the wife is in a state of high anxiety. She tells her neighbors "My husband was hit by a car, and now he has a flucky! I don't know what to do!"
Neighbor #1 says, "In the old country, when someone had a flucky, we always applied cold. Cold is the best thing for a flucky."
Neighbor #2 says, "What are you talking about? Cold is absolutely the worst thing you could do for a flucky! We always applied heat, that's the only thing to do for a flucky."
Cold, heat, oy! Now thoroughly agitated, the wife decides to call the doctor herself. "Doctor, please tell me, what's wrong with my husband?"
"I told him...nothing's wrong. He got off lucky."
-- Have a magic day and pass it on. Magic Mike http://funandmagic.com/
Subject: It's a mountain, then it isn't - Florida thrown out of USA, England revokes our Independence Date: Wed, 15 Nov 2000 01:13:21 -0800 From: Magic Mike <mmb To: you <mmb
Hi, This one is great for your desktop. Snowcapped Mountain Fish Creek, Anza Borrego Desert State Park. Picture how treacherous this mountain would be to climb..... for an ant, maybe. You might trip over it and hurt your knee. Looking like an entire snow-capped mountain range, this sandstone rock is only six feet across. It's fractal math structure shows how microcosms and macrocosms follow the same math. As above, so below. http://funandmagic.com/ . Today's stories, Florida thrown out of USA, England revokes our Independence.
The new filter from Multi-Pure takes out 3 new chemicals that have been found in high concentration in water supplies. or write me. -Magic Mike
WASHINGTON D.C. - Following an emergency meeting Wednesday morning, Congress unanimously voted to excise Florida from the United States of America.
The move was a reaction to the confusion and irregularities in the state's voting numbers that have totally disrupted the 2000 Presidential election.
"This is the last straw," said Utah senator Orin Hatch. "First Elian Gonzales, now this."
Several congressmen told reporters the decision has been a long time in coming.
"We're all pretty much sick of Florida," said representative Barney Frank. "They've been a constant embarrassment for too long now." Added Frank, "They had Dan Marino for a while, but what have they done lately? Oh that's right, screw up our entire democracy. I forgot."
In a speech on the Senate floor, Massachusetts senator Ted Kennedy commented that the loss of Florida's sizable elderly population will free up billions of dollars in social security funds. "These are valuable funds which can now be redirected toward national defense. We can finally rebuild our demoralized, weakened military," said the Senator to roaring applause.
As a result of the Florida screw-up, the House and Senate decreed a new election will take place in early December. This time, ballots in each state will be tabulated by robots. "It is clear that our human vote-counting system is too inherently flawed," said Speaker of the House Dennis Hastert. "The presence of these new, superior robot mast- err, I mean - tabulators will ensure 100% accuracy."
"Remember," said Hastert, "every vote counts, especially if it's counted by robots."
Dynamiting will begin along the Florida border next Wednesday, after which the state will be completely geographically separated from the United States.
"After that, they're on their own," said Hastert. "I hope they sink."
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To the citizens of the United States of America:
Following your failure to elect anybody, either a half decent candidate or a B-movie actor as President of the USA to govern yourselves and, by extension, the free world, we hereby give notice of the revocation of your independence.
Her Sovereign Majesty Queen Elizabeth II will resume a monarch's duties over all states, commonwealths and other territories. To aid in the transition to a British Crown Dependency, please comply with the following acts:
1. Look up "revoke" in a dictionary 2. Learn at least the first 4 lines of "God Save the Queen" 3. Start referring to "soccer" as football 4. Declare war on Quebec and France 5. Arrest Mel Gibson for treason 6. Learn to play cricket 7. Enjoy warm flat beer and British cuisine 8. July 4th is no longer a public holiday 9. All members of this British Crown Dependency will be required to take 6 weeks annual vacation and observe statutory tea breaks 10. Driving on the left is now compulsory
Tax collectors from Her Majesty's Government will be with you shortly to ensure the acquisition of all revenues due (backdated to 1776). Thank you for your cooperation and... have a jolly nice day and incidentally, Thanksgiving is not to be a legal holiday anymore.
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Two little children, a boy and a girl, walked hand-in-hand to a neighbor's house. The little girl stood on her tiptoes and was just able to reach the doorbell. Then, an elderly lady greeted them at the front door.
"Good morning, children," she said. "What can I do for you?"
"We're playing house," the little girl answered. "This is my husband and I'm his wife. Can we come in?"
Thoroughly enchanted by the scene confronting her, the elderly lady replied, "By all means, do come in."
Once inside, she offered the children lemonade and cookies, which they graciously accepted.
When a second tall glass of lemonade was offered, the little girl remarked, "No thank you. We have to go now. My husband just wet his pants."
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FOOD SPOILAGE TABLE
.- - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - -
THE GAG TEST Anything that makes you gag is spoiled (except for leftovers from what you cooked for yourself last night).
EGGS When something starts pecking its way out of the shell, the egg isprobably past its prime.
DAIRY PRODUCTS Milk is spoiled when it starts to look like yogurt. Yogurt is spoiled when it starts to look like cottage cheese. Cottage cheese is spoiled when it starts to look like regular cheese. Regular cheese is nothing but spoiled milk anyway and can't get any more spoiled than it is already.
MAYONNAISE If it makes you violently ill after you eat it, the mayonnaise is spoiled.
FROZEN FOODS Frozen foods that have become an integral part of the defrosting problem in your freezer compartment will probably be spoiled - (or wrecked anyway) by the time you pry them out with a kitchen knife.
MEAT If opening the refrigerator door causes stray animals from a three- block radius to congregate outside your house, the meat is spoiled.
LETTUCE Bibb lettuce is spoiled when you can't get it off the bottom of the vegetable crisper without Comet.
CANNED GOODS Any canned goods that have become the size or shape of a basketball should be disposed of. Carefully.
CARROTS A carrot that you can tie a clove hitch in is not fresh.
WINE It should not taste like salad dressing.
POTATOES Fresh potatoes do not have roots, branches, or dense, leafy undergrowth.
CHIP DIP If you can take it out of its container and bounce it on the floor, it has gone bad.
GENERAL RULE OF THUMB: Most food cannot be kept longer than the average life span of a hamster. Keep a hamster in your refrigerator to gauge this.
- Have a magic day and pass it on. Magic Mike http://funandmagic.com/
Subject: Disorder in Stephan's Quintet, and in Florida Date: Mon, 13 Nov 2000 12:30:18 -0800 From: Magic Mike <mmb To: you <mmb
Never ask the barber if you need a haircut or a salesman if his is a good price.
Hi, For your desktop, "Disorder in Stephan's Quintet." These three galaxies are in the midst a titanic collision, each ripping the others apart with gravitational tidal forces. Stephan's Quintet lies about 300 million light-years away towards the constellation of Pegasus. http://funandmagic.com/ Closer to home is the "Disorder In Florida". It is obvious that if it wasn't for the confusion in West Palm Beach county, Gore would have been declared the winner in Florida and the nation. I am unable to see any circumstances that Buchanan's name should have been between Bush's and Gore's name. My own feeling is that there should be a re-vote there. Meanwhile, the Bush camp has shown the hypocrisy I have stated before. Now they want machine count over human count, where in Texas, Bush signed a law saying hand counting over machine is preferable when there is a problem with a machine count. They don't want to trust humans. And, as I've said before, they don't CARE about humans. In one county, in Jeb Bush's state, 320 votes were erased from the diskette. In a black precinct, the ballots were not picked up. In other places, blacks were told they weren't registered when they were. In another, the voting place was moved without notice. The Bush camp wants to "preserve the integrity of the vote". What they want is to preserve their lead before all the votes are counted. They said that there would be "irreparable harm" if the news media reported the recount. They talk about "mischief" when people from both parties, county officials, and police are watching the recount. Is it any wonder that the people within the state trying to subvert the vote are Bush's brother's Secretary Of State? She is trying to short circuit the recount by setting a deadline that is impossible to meet for a recount. Those that support the unfairness of keeping those voters from voting, because they are ahead, are no friends of a democracy. In fact, it is DEMOCRATS that care about people's principals. It is REPUBLICANS that care about institutions, corporations, and the agenda of the weathy 1%. If you voted for them, you did YOURSELF a disservice, because they don't care about YOU.
I have talked to you, without any results, about a water filter for your sink. . The chlorine alone should make you want to remove it. I have been saying that there are human and animal antibotics in the water, along with chemotherapy drugs, from human and animal urination into the water supply. Here is some proof.
TEEN DISCOVERS ANTIBIOTICS IN PUBLIC WATER SUPPLIES
KATHLEEN FACKELMANN, USA Today in American Teenager, Ashley Mulroy, recently won the Stockholm Junior Water Prize for her science project in which she searched for and
FOUND antibiotics in the Ohio River. She also found those drugs in the r in her hometown. She is one of the first in the USA to look for such drugs in the nation's r supply. Her study highlights an emerging scientific issue with alarming implications:
Even low levels of antibiotics may help create superbugs: microorganisms that have evolved to survive an antibiotic's lethal assault. These superbugs may be causing tens of thousands of deaths in the USA each year. Public Health experts already have noted the rise of infection that cannot be stopped with the usual arsenal of antibiotics. Water samples taken from sites near livestock or dairy farms had the highest concentrations. Antibiotics may leach into groundwater around hospitals if cases or bottles of expired drugs are dumped into a landfill.
Mulroy's study suggests a potential fix for waters laced with drugs such as antibiotics. She says that an activated charcoal filtration system removed most of the antibiotics in the tap water.
For the complete article, email <mailto:editor@multipureco.com editor@multipureco.com.
-Magic Mike http://funandmagic.com/
The obituary editor of a newspaper was not one to admit his mistakes easily. One day he got a phone call from an irate subscriber. The caller complained that his name had been printed in the obituary column.
"Really?" replied the editor calmly. "And where are you calling from?"
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Lawyers and computers have both been proliferating since 1970. Unfortunately, lawyers, unlike computers, have not gotten twice as smart and half as expensive every 18 months.
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"Information? I need the number of the Caseway Insurance Company."
"Would you spell that, please?"
"Certainly. C as in sea. A as in aye. S as in sea. E as in eye. W as in why. A as in are. Y as in you."
"Just a minute, sir. I'll connect you with my supervisor."
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"During my short life I've heard children say some pretty funny stuff. Here's Just a Few Things......."
1."Mom, is this the boss you hate or the one you like?" 2."I don't know why you can't stand Grandma's food, I love it." 3."Your friend's not fat Mommy." 4."What's a jack-ass Uncle Larry? I want to be one too." 5."Who's that other person that Daddy keeps blowing kisses to over the phone?" 6."The guy that mows the lawn for Mommy is real good, he comes over about three or four times a week." 7."Officer, my Dad wasn't speeding. He never speeds when he's drunk." 8."My mom said I could get some ice-cream if I was a good boy and didn't talk through your boring speech." 9."My mom said not to talk to crazy people."
-- Have a magic day and pass it on. Magic Mike http://funandmagic.com/
Subject: Flying WWII planes on the Internet Date: Sat, 11 Nov 2000 14:05:48 -0800 From: Magic Mike <mmb To: you <mmb
Hi, "Heaven on Earth - If sometimes it appears that the entire Milky Way Galaxy is raining down on your head, do not despair. It happens twice a day. As the Sun rises in the East, wonders of the night sky become less bright than the sunlight scattered by our own Earth's atmosphere, and so fade from view. They will only rotate back into view when the Earth again eclipses our bright Sun at dusk. This battle between heaven and Earth was captured dramatically above during the last few minutes of daylight on 1999 August 10 in Koumi, Japan. Dark dust, millions of stars, and bright glowing red gas highlight the plane of our Milky Way Galaxy, which lies on average thousands of light years behind Earth's yellow and green reflecting clouds." - Photo of The Day at http://funandmagic.com/ . I haven't written as I am having SOOOOOOOOOOOOO much fun flying and dogfighting. Fighter Ace http://zone.com We use the Fighter Ace Legacy Rooms in The Arcade level rooms, in Microsoft Gaming Zone, because Fighter Ace 1.5 takes less computer power than FA2. I am usually in the Nations At War Rookie Room or NAT-Any Rank. My ID is MAGICMdotcom. Planes from 1940's US, Great Britain, Germany, and Soviet Union. FA2 room adds Japan and four plane choices instead of 2. Also, aside from aracade level rooms, they have reality based rooms with stress levels and g forces. Also, bombers, (Flying Fortresses) and trains. My comp and stick don't work smooth enough for FA2. You get 3 days free, then 9.95 an month or 1.95 a day. credit card. If you play on a new machine and log in, you can get 3 more days. Also if you can really wipe it out of registry you can do it again too. Easier to pay 9.95. I think this election has almost cost me my sense of humor. But let's see what I have in my Jokes folder....
The General was ordered by the Secretary of Defense to gather his officers from the Army, Navy, Marine Corps, and Air Force and try and figure out why there's so much difficulty in communicating with each other.
The General gathers his Captains (and his Navy Lieutenant), and tells them their first task is to "secure" a particular building. He orders them to go home and prepare a list of steps for the plan and bring them back to him the next morning.
The Navy Lieutenant calls his Master Chief and says:Tell those swabs to: -- Unplug the coffeepots -- Turn off the computers -- Turn out the lights -- Lock the doors and leave the building unoccupied
The Army Captain has his list in his notepad: -- Assemble the company -- Appoint guard mount and Sergeant of the Guard -- Take control of all exits -- Make sure no one gets into the building without a pass
The Marine Corps Captain writes down her steps on palm of her hand: -- Assemble the platoon and supplies -- Approach the building along three axes -- Bring the building under mortar and SAW fire -- Assault the building under covering fire -- Sequester surviving prisoners -- Establish lanes of fire -- Prepare artillery calls -- Repel counterattacks
The Air Force Captain types his list into his laptop: -- Contact real estate agent -- Negotiate 1-year lease -- Be sure to get option to buy
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MEAL STANDARDS FOR THE ARMED FORCES
MARINES: Meals, Ready-to-Eat 3 times a day.
ARMY: One hot meal, 2 MRE's.
NAVY: 3 hot meals.
AIR FORCE: Catered meals prepared by the Galloping Gourmet, Julia Child, Wolfgang Puck and Emeril Lagasse. All you can eat.
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The colonel had three Second Lieutenants eligible for promotion. The problem was, he only had one First Lieutenant Slot available.
The colonel called the first butter-bar into his office and said, "This is a promotion test. If I was to tell you that I wanted a flag pole erected in front of Post HQ by 1700, what would you do?"
The Lt. thought about it for a second, and said, "Sir. I would get a shovel, head for HQ and start digging . . . "
"You're not ready to be promoted," the Colonel interrupted.
The colonel asked the same question of the next candidate.
"Sir," said the next butter-bar, "I would fill out a CE work order, making sure I made provisions for the appropriate environmental study and . . . "
"You are definitely not ready to be promoted," the Colonel said.
The Colonel asked the question of the final candidate.
Without hesitation, the Lieutenant said, "Sir. I would call the First Sergeant, and say, 'Top, I want a @#$#@ flag pole in front of HQ by 1700!"
"You're ready to be promoted," the Colonel said.
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A rather old minesweeper was cruising a lonely stretch of the South Pacific and was overtaken by a new Australian cruiser.
All the US sailors admired the new ship and the Captain sent a blinker- light message to the Aussies: "You are beautiful."
Less than 10 seconds later, the Aussie ship blinkered back: "I'll bet you say that to all the ships."
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The difference in "Military Intelligence"
Take the Army, for instance. When the stuff hits the fan, the young Army private wakes up from a bellow from the First Sergeant. He grabs a set of BDUs out of his foot locker, gets dressed, runs down to the chow-hall for a breakfast on the run, then jumps in his tank. Pretty soon, the Platoon Commander arrives, gives him a big salute, and says, "Give 'em Hell, men."
Now take the Marines. When the stuff hits the fan, the young Marine recruit is kicked out of bed by his First Sergeant, puts on a muddy set of BDUs because he just got back in from the field three hours before. He gets no breakfast, but is told to feel free to chew on his boots. He runs out and forms up with his rifle. Pretty soon, his platoon commander comes out, a young Captain, Gives his Marines a Sharp Salute, and says, "Give 'em Hell, Marines!"
Now take the Navy. When the stuff hits the fan, the young Sailor is eating breakfast in the messroom.. He walks 20 feet to his battle station, stuffing extra pastries in his pocket as he goes. There he sits, in the middle of a steel target, with nowhere to run, when the Captain comes on the 1MC and says, "Give 'em Hell, Sailors! I salute you!"
Now the Air Force. When the stuff hits the fan, the Airman receives a phone call in his off-base quarters. He gets up, showers, shaves, and puts on a fresh uniform he had just picked up from the BX cleaners the day before. He jumps in his car, and stops at McDonalds for a McMuffin on his way into work. Once he arrives at work, he signs in on the duty roster and proceeds to his F-16. He spends 30 minutes pre- flighting it, signs off the forms. Pretty soon the Pilot, a young captain gets out and straps into the Plane. He starts the engines. Our Young Airman stands at attention, gives the Captain a sharp salute, and says, "Give 'em Hell, Sir!" -- Have a magic day and pass it on. Magic Mike http://funandmagic.com/
Subject: Mountain wonder Date: Sat, 04 Nov 2000 10:00:32 -0800 From: Magic Mike <mmb To: you <mmb
Hi, Please vote next week for experience, which Gore has, especially in dealing with Congress and foreign leaders. Don't be suckered in by a good ole' boy smile, that has nothing to say behind it. Don't let G.W Bushwhack our laws, environment, and economy. He doesn't stand for most of us. He hasn't had, and never will have, a clue.
George Dubya-isms
George W's utterances rank with those Dan Quayle himself. (BTW-I can't believed people pass around Quayle's stuff, labeled as Gore's remarks, because they were labeled "The Vice Presidents". Duh. "Vice President" Quayle.)
"Actually, I -- this may sound a little West Texan to you, but I like it. When I'm talking about -- when I'm talking about myself, and when he's talking about myself, all of us are talking about me." --Hardball, MSNBC, May 31, 2000 "It's clearly a budget. It's got a lot of numbers in it."
--Reuters, May 5, 2000 "I think we agree, the past is over." --On his meeting with John McCain, Dallas Morning News, May 10, 2000 "Laura and I really don't realize how bright our children is sometime until we get an objective analysis." --Meet the Press, April 15, 2000 "I was raised in the West. The west of Texas. It's pretty close to California. In more ways than Washington, D.C., is close to California." --Los Angeles Times, April 8, 2000 "We want our teachers to be trained so they can meet the obligations; their obligations as teachers. We want them to know how to teach the science of reading. In order to make sure there's not this kind of federal cufflink." --Fritsche Middle School, Milwaukee, March 30, 2000 "The fact that he relies on facts -- says things that are not factual -- are going to undermine his campaign." --New York Times, March 4, 2000 cont'd... "I understand small business growth. I was one." --New York Daily News, Feb. 19, 2000 "The senator has got to understand if he's going to have he can't have it both ways. He can't take the high horse and then claim the low road." --To reporters in Florence, S.C., Feb. 17, 2000 "If you're sick and tired of the politics of cynicism and polls and principles, come and join this campaign." --Hilton Head, S.C., Feb. 16, 2000 "How do you know if you don't measure if you have a system that simply suckles kids through?" --Explaining the need for educational accountability, Beaufort, S.C., Feb. 16, 2000 "I've changed my style somewhat, as you know. I'm less, I pontificate less, although it may be hard to tell it from this show. And I'm more interacting with people."
--Meet The Press, Feb. 13, 2000 "The most important job is not to be governor, or first lady in my case." --Pella, Iowa, as quoted in the San Antonio Express News, Jan. 30, 2000 "Will the highways on the Internet become more few?" --Concord, N.H., Jan. 29, 2000 "I know how hard it is for you to put food on your family." --Greater Nashua, N.H., Chamber of Commerce, Jan. 27, 2000 "Rarely is the question asked: Is our children learning?" --Florence, S.C., Jan. 11, 2000 "The important question is, How many hands have I shaked?" --Answering a question about why he hasn't spent more time in New Hampshire; quoted in the New York Times, Oct. 23, 1999 "I think anybody who doesn't think I'm smart enough to handle the job is underestimating." --U.S. News & World Report, April 3, 2000
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snappy comeback lines
"Did you take a bath?" "Why, Is there one missing?"
"Are you chewing gum?" "No, I'm John Smith."
"I want to buy a dress to put on around the house." "Yes, Madam. How large is your house?"
"What are you going to be when you graduate?" "An old man"
"I spent three years in college taking medicine." "Are you well now?"
Do you say a prayer before you eat?" "No, we don't have to. My mother is a good cook."
"I've got a surprise for you, honey. I brought a friend home for dinner." "Who wants to eat friends?"
"We are having mother for dinner, darling." "Make sure she's well done."
"I want some rat poison." "Should I wrap it up or do you want to eat it right here?"
"It seems that everything I say to you goes in one ear and out the other." "Well, I guess that's why I've got two ears."
"May I hold your hand?" "No, thanks, It isn't heavy."
"Does water always come through the roof in this place?" "No, sir, only when it rains."
"When will you straighten out the house, dear?" "Why? Is it tilted?"
"Do these stairs take you to the second floor?" "No, you'll have to walk"
"Now that you're married, you should have some insurance" But why? My wife isn't dangerous."
"I have changed! my mind." Thank heaven! Does it work better now?"
Waiter: Would you like your coffee black? Customer: What other colors do you have?
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On a recent flight, an elderly passenger kept peering out the window. Since it was totally dark, all she could see was the blinking wing-tip light. Finally, she rang for the flight attendant.
"I'm sorry to bother you," she said, "but I think you should inform the pilot that his left-turn indicator is on and has been for some time."
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~ One good thing about Alzheimer's is you get to meet new people every day.
~ POLICE STATION TOILET STOLEN Cops have nothing to go on.
~ If at first you don't succeed, redefine success.
~ You have the capacity to learn from your mistakes. You will learn a lot today.
~ A thing not worth doing isn't worth doing well.
~ Time is just nature's way to keep everything from happening at once.
~ Hard work never killed anyone, but why chance it?
~ All true wisdom is found on T-shirts.
~ Strip Mining Prevents Forest Fires
~ I don't have a solution; but I do admire the problem.
~ I think sex is better than logic, but I can't prove it.
~ A PICTURE IS WORTH A THOUSAND WORDS. But it uses up a thousand times the memory
~ The Meek shall inherit the earth.. after we're through with it.
~ If a thing is worth doing It would have been done already
~ Two can live as cheaply as one ... for half as long.
~ HAM AND EGGS. A day's work for a chicken; A lifetime commitment for a pig.
~ Lord, If I can't be skinny, please let all my friends be fat.
~ Good Health is merely the slowest possible rate at which one can die.
~ THE BUCK DOESN'T EVEN SLOW DOWN HERE. So keep on going.
~ Confession is good for the soul, but bad for your career.
~ How much can I get away with and still go to heaven?
~ Sometimes too much to drink isn't enough.
~ JESUS LOVES YOU. It's everybody else that thinks you're dumb.
~ It's hard to make a comeback when you haven't been anywhere.
~ WELCOME TO UTAH. Set your watch back 20 years.
~ Don't get married. Find a woman you hate and buy her a house. It's a lot easier on you.
~ Be nice to your kids. They'll choose your nursing home.
~ A closed mouth gathers no foot.
~ The trouble with life is there's no background music.
~ I was only looking at your name tag, honest!
~ When blondes have more fun do they know it?
~ Money isn't everything, But it sure keeps the kids in touch.
~ What happens if you get scared half to death twice?
~ Losing a husband can be hard. In my case it was almost impossible.
~ JESUS IS COMING! Look Busy.
~ We have enough youth. How about a fountain of "Smart"?
~ Suicidal Twin Kills Sister By Mistake!
~ Two rights do not make a wrong. They make an airplane.
~ Two wrongs do not make a right, but three lefts do.
~ MY WILD OATS HAVE TURNED TO SHREDDED WHEAT
~ Is reading in the bathroom considered Multitasking?
~ Seen it all. Done it all. Can't remember most of it.
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Who did the boy monster take to the Halloween dance? His bootiful ghoul-friend.
Why did the ghost become a sailor? He wanted to haunt for buried treasure!
What would you get if you crossed a wolf with a polyester jacket? A wash-and-wearwolf
What would you find on a haunted beach? A sand witch.
What did the Mommy Vampire say to the Baby Vampire? "You are driving me batty."
What do baseball players do on Halloween? They practice pitchcraft.
What do ghouls order at McMonsters? Handburgers.
What do little ghosts drink? Evaporated milk.
What do you get when you bite a ghost A mouth full of sheet
What do you get if you cross Jesse James and Dracula? A robbery at the blood bank.
What happened to the monster children who ate all their vegetables? They gruesome.
What happened to the monster that took the five o'clock train home? He had to give it back.
What happens when a flying witch breaks the sound barrier? You hear the broom boom.
What do you use to repair a Jack O' Lantern? A pumpkin patch.
Do witches stay home on weekends? No. They go away for a spell.
What do you call a roomful of ghosts? A bunch of boo-boos.
What do you give a vampire with a cold? Coffin Drops!
What do you call a ghost in a torn sheet? A holy terror.
What goes "Oob, oob!" A witch in reverse.
What happened to the witch who hooked her broom to a space shuttle? She got spaced out.
Why couldn't the mummy attend the meeting? He was all tied up.
What do you get when you cross a vampire with a dwarf? A monster that sucks blood out of kneecaps!!!
What do you call a monster that has been locked in a freezer all night? A cool ghoul!
What do spooks call their Navy? The ghost guard.
What's the best place for a mirror? In a graveyard. It can double your mummy.
Did you hear about the cannibal who was expelled from school? He was buttering up his teacher.
What is a ghost's favorite subject in high school? Boo-ology of course!
What did the mother ghost say to the baby ghost when they got into the car? "Don't forget to buckle your sheetbelt!"
What did the sign in the Egyptian funeral home say? "Satisfaction guaranteed or double your mummy back".
Why did the vampire quit the baseball team? They would only let him be BAT boy!
Why didn't Dracula get married? He never met a nice Ghoul!
What is a ghost's favorite food? Boo-loney sandwich.
What kind of protozoa likes Halloween? An amoeboo!
What kind of dog does Dracula have? A Bloodhound!
What kind of math did the monster student do best? Scare root.
What should you say when you meet a ghost? "How do you boo, sir? How do you boo?"
What time would it be if five demons were chasing you? Five after one.
What type of music do ghosts prefer? Spirituals, of course.
What would you call the ghost of a door-to-door salesman? A dead ringer.
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"Vet's Joint Business Venture"
My brother tired of being a taxidermist after 15 years, and went to veterinarian school. His new business never got off the ground so he decided to operate both his taxidermy and vet business together to save money.
His new slogan was:
"No Matter What Happens - You Get Your Cat Back!"
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"Church Football"
Quarterback Sneak - Church members quietly leaving during the invitation.
Draw Play - What many children do with the bulletin during worship.
Halftime - The period between Sunday School and worship when many choose to leave Benchwarmer - Those who do not sing, pray, work, or apparently do anything but sit.
Backfield-in-Motion - Making a trip to the back (restroom or water fountain) during the service.
Staying in the Pocket - What happens to a lot of money that should be given to the Lord's work.
Two-minute Warning - The point at which you realize the sermon is almost over and begin to gather up your children and belongings.
Instant Replay - The preacher loses his notes and falls back on last week's illustrations.
Sudden Death - What happens to the attention span of the congregation if the preacher goes "overtime".
Trap - You're called on to pray and are asleep.
End Run - Getting out of church quick, without speaking to any guest or fellow member.
Flex Defense - The ability to allow absolutely nothing said during the sermon to affect your life.
Halfback Option - The decision of 50% of the congregation not to return for the evening service.
Blitz - The rush for the restaurants following the closing prayer.
-- Have a magic day and pass it on. Magic Mike http://funandmagic.com/ / The cleanest, cheapest water, 6 cents/gallon 3 cents/minute calls, and cheapest phone cards http://ld.net/?phon4less/ Ask me about high speed cable dial-up for free!
