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Magic Mike's Jokes Archive #28
Jokes from the mailbox, Magic Mailouts, NASA space
photo links and other great wallpaper photos,
and Firesign Phil's Planet Proctor Orbits.
Back to Joke Archive Entry
Magic Mike's Joke
Page Parlor Magic Mike's Home
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These jokes are to laugh at ourselves, so please
do not take offense.
"Since all phenomena, is a product of one's
own mind, empty of meaning, like a magician's illusion,
having nothing to do with good or bad, acceptance or rejection, one might
burst out in laughter."
- Longchenpa, 13th century Tibetan monk.
Subject: Morman Rocks photo Date: Mon, 30 Oct 2000 11:49:54 -0800 From: Magic Mike <mmb To: you <mmb
Buying a house is easy. All you need is a lawyer, a real-estate agent and a winning lottery ticket.
Hi, Every so often the elements of nature seem to come together and present themselves in a way which says, "You don't want to miss this one". See the Photo Of The Day, at my site http://funandmagic.com/ of Morman Rocks.
A Sunday School teacher asked a little boy, "Bobby, do you believe in the devil?"
"No," said the little boy. "He's just like Santa Claus. I think it's my daddy."
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You might be a school teacher if.....
1. When out in public you feel the urge to snap your fingers at children you do not know and correct their behavior.
2. You have no life between August to June.
3. When you mention "Vegetables" you're not talking about a food group.
4. You encourage an obnoxious parent to check into charter schools or home schooling.
5. You can tell if it's a full moon without ever looking outside.
6. You can't have children because there's no name you could give a child that wouldn't bring on high blood pressure the moment you heard it uttered.
7. You think caffeine should be available in intravenous form.
8. Marking all A's on report cards would make your life SO much simpler.
9. Your personal life comes to a screeching halt at report card time.
10. Meeting a child's parent instantly answers the question, "Why is this kid like this?"
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Historians have found the first treaty the U. S. government ever signed with the Indians. It states that the Indians can keep their lands "for as long as the river runs clear, the buffalo roam, the grass grows tall and the mountains stand proud -- or ninety days -- whichever comes first."
(seems that river runs clear part is another escape clause, and you don't see many roaming buffalo either - MM)
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Pilot to tower . . . pilot to tower . . . I am 300 miles from land . . .600 feet over water . . . and running out of fuel . . . please instruct!
Tower to pilot . . . tower to pilot . . .repeat after me: "Our Father, which art in heaven . . ."
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This old man was a witness in a burglary case.
The defense lawyer asks Sam, "Did you see my client commit this burglary?"
"Yes," said Sam , "I saw him plainly take the goods."
The lawyer asks Sam again, "Sam, this happened at night. Are you sure you saw my client commit this crime?"
"Yes" says Sam, "I saw him do it."
Then the lawyer asks Sam, "Sam listen, you are 80 years old and your eye sight probably is bad. Just how far can you see at night?"
Sam says, "I can see the moon, how far is that?"
--=-=-=-=--=-=-=-=-=-=--=-=
The mayor of a small town in Oshkosh had never been with his favorite policeman to learn what they do when they issue a traffic ticket.
That night he rode with the policeman.
He told the mayor, "We don't give out many tickets, but we'll just follow a car for a few miles and the motorist will surely make a mistake somewhere on his trip."
They found a guy in a Lexus and began to follow. After three miles no violations. Then six miles no violations and then after ten miles the policeman turned to the mayor and said, "I think I'll stop that driver and congratulate him on being so careful."
He pulled the car to the side of the road and went slowly to the drivers window. He complemented the driver for being so careful and the driver said, "Hic! Ya gotta be careful when you're drunk ash I am!"
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A sergeant was passing the barracks after lights out, when he heard some voices from inside. He slammed open the door, and shouted: Listen, you guys! A few minutes ago, you all heard me say good night. What you must realize, is that when I say "Good Night," what I really mean is "Shut the fuck up!!!"
The room instantly fell silent. But after a few seconds, a small voice could be heard from somewhere in the far back of the dark room:
"Good Night, Sergeant"
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Two young boys were spending the night at their grandparents' house. At bedtime, the two boys knelt beside their beds to say their prayers. The youngest one began praying at the top of his lungs,
"I PRAY FOR A NEW BICYCLE. I PRAY FOR A NEW NINTENDO. I PRAY FOR A NEW VCR..."
His older brother leaned over and nudged the younger brother and said,
"Why are you shouting your prayers? God isn't deaf."
To which the little brother replied,
"No, but Gramma is!"
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-=-=-
Bobby's class was having an English lesson, and the teacher called on Bobby to recite a sentence with a direct object.
Bobby stood and thought, then said, "Teacher, everybody thinks you are beautiful."
"Why thank you, Bobby," the teacher said, blushing. "But what is the direct object?"
"A good report card next month," he replied.
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A young man fell in love with a very lovely young lady. Unfortunately she did not return the feeling. In desperation he went and visited a group of witches searching for a love potion. They informed him that they no longer provided such an item. It was highly unethical to administer a potion to someone without her permission. They did have an alternate solution. They sold him a bottle of small white pellets. He was to bury one in her yard every night at midnight for a month. He returned to the witches six weeks later excited and thankful. He and the young lady were to wed in a month. The witch told him, ..."Nothin' says lovin' like something from a coven, and pills buried say it best."
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Two women were sitting in the doctor's waiting room comparing notes on their various disorders. "I want a baby more than anything in the world," said the first, "but I guess it is impossible."
"I used to feel just the same way," said the second. "But then everything changed. That's why I'm here. I'm going to have a baby in three months."
"You must tell me what you did."
"I went to a faith healer."
"But I've tried that. My husband and I went to one for nearly a year and it didn't help a bit."
The other woman smiled and whispered,
"Next time, dearie, try going alone."
---=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-==--=
55 Years to learn
19 THINGS THAT IT TOOK ME 55 YEARS TO LEARN
1. Never under any circumstances take a sleeping pill and a laxative on the same night.
2. If you had to identify, in one word, the reason why the human race has not achieved, and never will achieve, its full potential, that word would be "meetings."
3. There is a very fine line between "hobby" and "mental illness."
4. People who want to share their religious views with you almost never want you to share yours with them.
5. And when God, who created the entire universe with all of its glories, decides to deliver a message to humanity, He WILL NOT use, as His messenger, a person on cable TV with a bad hairstyle exhorting you to send money.
6. You should not confuse your career with your life.
7. No matter what happens, somebody will find a way to take it too seriously.
8. When trouble arises and things look bad, there is always one individual who perceives a solution and is willing to take command. Very often, that individual is crazy.
9. Nobody cares if you can't dance well. Just get up and dance.
10. Never lick a steak knife.
11. Take out the fortune before you eat the cookie.
12. The most powerful force in the universe is gossip.
13. You will never find anybody who can give you a clear and compelling reason why we observe daylight savings time.
14. You should never say anything to a woman that even remotely suggests that you think she's pregnant unless you can see an actual baby emerging from her at that moment.
15. There comes a time when you should stop expecting other people to make a big deal about your birthday. That time is age 11.
16. The one thing that unites all human beings, regardless of age, gender, religion, economic status or ethnic background, is that, deep down inside, we ALL believe that we are above average drivers.
17. The main accomplishment of almost all organized protests is to annoy people who are not in them.
18. A person who is nice to you, but rude to the waiter, is not a nice person.
19. Your friends love you, anyway.
-=-=-=-=--=-=-=-=--=-=-=-=
How many perverts does it take to put in a light bulb? Just one, but it takes the entire emergency room to get it out!
-=-=--=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=--=-=-=
A group of friends who prided themselves on their intelligence set out to have a contest of wits. Each person in turn asked a question and anyone who volunteered an answer that was wrong dropped out. If no one could answer, the questioner himself had to answer, and if he was wrong, he dropped out.
Each dropout had to put $5 into the pot.
Eventually the matter boiled down to Thompson and Brown, and the erudition of each one boiled up so that both were held even for half an hour.
Finally Thompson said, "How does a gopher dig a hole without leaving a mound of dirt at the lip?"
Brown thought about that and said, "I can't answer that. However, since it's your question, you had better answer it."
Thompson said coolly, as he reached for the accumulated pile of bills. "Easy. The gopher starts at the bottom of the hole and that's where he leaves the dirt."
"Hold on," said Brown heatedly, grasping Thompson's wrist to prevent him from taking the pot. "How does the gopher get to the bottom of the hole in the first place?"
"That's your question," said Thompson as he took the money.
--=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=
-=-=-=-=-=-=
A minister, a priest and a rabbi went for a hike one day. It was very hot. They were sweating and exhausted when they came upon a small lake. Since it was fairly secluded, they took off all their clothes and jumped in the water.
Feeling refreshed, the trio decided to pick a few berries while enjoying their "freedom." As they were crossing an open area, who should come along but a group of ladies from town.
Unable to get to their clothes in time, the minister and the priest covered their privates and the rabbi covered his face while they ran for cover.
After the ladies had left and the men got their clothes back on, the minister and the priest asked the rabbi why he covered his face rather than his privates. The rabbi replied, "I don't know about you, but in MY congregation, its my face they would recognize."
---=-
-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=---=-=
-=--=
The Coast Guard received a mayday message: "Help! We're in the water!"
"Capsize?" the radio operator asked.
After a long silence, the voice answered, "Six and seven-eighths."
-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=
-=-=
"I used to own an ant farm but had to give it up. I couldn't find tractors small enough to fit it.
-- Steven Wright -- Have a magic day and pass it on. Magic Mike http://funandmagic.com/ / The cleanest, cheapest water, 6 cents/gallon 2.9 cents/minute calls, and cheapest phone cards http://ld.net/?phon4less/ Ask me about high speed cable dial-up for free! Highspeedinfo
Subject: Closest Neutron Star Date: Thu, 26 Oct 2000 18:22:38 -0700 From: Magic Mike <mmb To: you <mmb
On going to war over religion: "You're basically killing each other to see who's got the better imaginary friend." - Rich Jeni
Hi, Here's your desktop pic for the day at my site http://funandmagic.com/. Enter the site and look for Photo Of The Day. "At a distance of 180 light-years it is the closest known neutron star. More massive than the Sun but only 20 kilometers across. RX J1856.5-3754 was formed from the collapsed core of an exploding star. It moves through the hydrogen gas and dust clouds of interstellar space at about 200 kilometers per second. The surface of the neutron star is fantastically hot, around 700,000 degrees Celsius. Out optical astronomers
were recently surprised to discover that RX J1856.5-3754 is also surrounded by a cone-shaped nebula. Indicated in this deep image from the European Southern Observatory's Kueyen telescope, the nebula glows in the red light of ionized hydrogen atoms recombining with electrons. Its cone shape is analogous to the bow wave of a ship plowing through water. A faint blue dot near the tip of the cone is the neutron star itself. The nebula appears to have formed very near the surface of the neutron star and astronomers are trying to determine if the observed densities and temperatures can indeed explain the nebula's appearance." - APOD
-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=
-
"How did you lose your job at the dress shop? a woman asked her friend.
"Well, after trying on about twenty-five dresses, the customer said to me. 'I think I'd look nicer in something more flowing.' And I suggested the Mississippi."
---=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-
Different style
"Well, dear what's it to be tonight?" said the amorous hubby.
"Hmmm....I'm in the mood for something special tonight, how about turkey style?" replied his mate.
"Turkey style? I've heard of 'doggy style,' but what in the world is turkey style?"
"Gobble, gobble, gobble!"
-=-=-=-=--=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=---=-=
-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=
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Write your own cell phone deal. See all the best choices available in YOUR zip code! http://ld.net/?phon4less
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-=
Payday
Friday afternoon, the rush hour bus is jam-packed with commuters. Everyone was feeling like sardines in a can. People stood face-to-face, back-to-back. A young woman was wearing a miniskirt was feeling particularly uncomfortable with her situation.
As if feeling discomfort, a construction worker behind her said, "Pardon me, miss, but that thing pressing into your back is my weekly pay ... today they only paid us hard cash!"
"I don't mind your hard cash," replied the woman, "but how do you explain your pay increase since the last stop?"
-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=
-=-=-=-=-=
Laws are spider webs through which the big flies pass and the little ones get caught.
-=-=--=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=
-=-=-=
Six men who were feeling no pain were staggering down the street about one in the morning. Laughing and singing loudly, they walked up to a two-story home. One of them managed to make it to the door and pounded on the doorbell insistently. A light came on in a upstairs window. The spokesman for the group yelled up,
"Is this where Mr. John Smith lives?"
"Yes, it is. What do you want?"
"Are you Mrs. Smith?"
"I am Mrs. Smith. What do you want?"
"Could you come down here and pick out Mr. Smith so the rest of us can go home?"
=-=--=-=---=-=-=-=-=-=--=
How do you know when you're REALLY ugly? Dogs hump your leg with their eyes closed. -=-=-=-=-=-=-=--=-=-=-=-=-=-=--=-=-=-=-=-
A farmer rings up the vet and says "two of me chickens have stopped laying'"
The vet says "really, how do you know?"
The farmer says "I just ran over the suckers in me tractor."
"When I was five years old I was on a merry go round. There was a gunshot nearby. The horses stampeded. There I was running down the street on a purple wooden horse.
-- Steven Wright
-- Have a magic day and pass it on. Magic Mike http://funandmagic.com/
Subject: Take a long look at The Andromeda Galaxy, Planet Proctor Orbit Date: Tue, 24 Oct 2000 10:26:35 -0700 From: Magic Mike <mmb To: you <mmb
Hi, It is amazing to me that so much of this planet Earth is still fighting each other. <<<CLUE <<----- There, get one! When you look at this digital photo of Andromeda Galaxy you can't help but wonder about the people who might live there. Do you think they all are torn between Them and Us? In other words, is there intelligent life ANYWHERE in this Universe? By the way, the Andromeda Galaxy is 2 million light years away, yet it can be seen with the eye. That's how far our eyes can see. It's a shame we can't see better, here. Come to my Photo Page, load this wonderful photo to your desktop wallpaper, and just look at it. Our galaxy is shaped just like it. Our Sol sits just in from the outer spiral arms. Give yourself a warm fuzzy thinking about all the beings in just ONE galaxy, that just want to be happy, and safe. "Make it so!" - Jean Luc Picard
Traveling through New England a motorist stopped for gas in a tiny village. "What's this place called?" he asked the station attendant.
"All depends," the native drawled. "Do you mean by them that has to live in this dad-blamed, moth-eaten, dust-covered dump, or by them that's merely enjoying its quaint and picturesque rustic charms for a short spell."
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-=
A woman needs only two tools. WD-40 and duct tape. If it doesn't move and it should, use WD-40. If it moves and shouldn't, use the tape.
-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=----=
Pickup line
You'd better start giving me mouth to mouth, because you just took my breath away.
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-=-=
Two men were talking. "My son asked me what I did during the Sexual Revolution," said one. "I told him I was captured early and spent the duration doing the dishes."
-=-=--=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=--=----
Quotations from women about women
.- - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - -
--------------
Old age ain't no place for sissies. -Bette Davis
A man's got to do what a man's got to do. A woman must do what he can't. -Rhonda Hansome
The phrase "working mother" is redundant. -Jane Sellman
Every time I close the door on reality it comes in through the windows. -Jennifer Unlimited
Whatever women must do they must do twice as well as men to be thought half as good. Luckily, this is not difficult. -Charlotte Whitton
Thirty-five is when you finally get your head together and your body starts falling apart. -Caryn Leschen
I try to take one day at a time, but sometimes several days attack me at once. -Jennifer Unlimited
If you can't be a good example, then you'll just have to be a horrible warning. -Catherine Aird
When I was young, I was put in a school for retarded kids for two years before they realized I actually had a hearing loss...and they called ME slow! -Kathy Buckley
Behind every successful woman...is a substantial amount of coffee. -Stephanie Piro
Behind every successful woman...... is a basket of dirty laundry. -Sally Forth
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-=-=-=-=- \\\\\\\\\\\ Now, here'sssss Phil /////////////////////////////////// -=-
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Subject: PP 2000/23 Date: Tue, 24 Oct 2000 02:48:41 -0400 From: phil proctor <PProctor@compuserve.com To: 3 <pproctor@compuserve.com
(((((((((((((((((( PLANET PROCTOR 2000/23 - http://www.planetproctor.com
"He doesn't bark, and he knows the secrets of the deep." - French Poet Gerard de Nerval, walking his lobster on a leash
TREASURE IRELAND There are two things you can never have enough of in Ireland: Guiness and film. Our two-and-a-half week motor trip through the southern part of the island nation was so relaxing, beautiful and exhilarating, it felt like we'd been gone a MONTH and a half. There's a Gaelic expression, "Giorraionn beirt bothar", which for those of you not fluent in Irish, like me, (though God knows I tried) means, "Two shorten a road." This is particularly true if your wife is driving for the first time on the left hand side, and your job as "navigator" is to yell, "Too close! You're too close to the wall!!" and to get out of the vehicle periodically to ask some sweet-faced, incredibly patient store clerk how to get somewhere. (The answer is always, turn right, take the last left off the next roundabout and left again at the pub next to the new petrol station; then straight on -- you can't miss it.) HINT: A roundabout is just what it sounds like, and the secret to navigating it is to keep going in circles until you're absolutely sure that the sign you've chosen is really pointing you to in the right direction; and even then you may get lost, but you know something? Getting lost on the rural roads of Eire is like finding a pot of gold at the end of the rainbow, and we saw plenty of those, too. We stayed in B&Bs, farmhouses, hotels and even Glin castle, often making our decisions on the spur of the moment. The Irish Tourist Centers were also a great help in booking ahead. In Dublin, the main office is located in a converted church. We visited Cork, Blarney, Cobh, Kinsale, Killarney, Dingle, Ballybunnion, Glin, Adare, Lisdoonvarna, Galway and Dublin, among other towns and cities; met poets and politicians; and yes, I kissed the Blarney stone, and it kissed back. There's much more to tell and I'll try to do so in future orbits.
"If you're looking to save the whales, call Oprah; if you're sleeping with a whale, call us." - Richard Dominick, executive producer of the Jerry Springer Show TWO TRICKIE DICKIES While we were in London, we saw a brilliant two-man show called "Stones in his Pockets" that tells the story of two Irishmen appearing as extras in an epic tearjerker being filmed by an American company in their small fishing village, and another two-man show from Australia by way of the Edinburgh Festival called "The Puppetry of the Penis." Ozzies Simon Morley and David Friend have been extended (if you'll excuse the expression) at the venerable Whitehall, appropriately set between Nelson's Column and Big Ben, with their hysterical "celebration of the ancient Australian art of genital origami". After an introduction by a saffron-robed "Gland Master" warning us "not to try this at home", they appear in hats and shoes (and very little else) to present an evening of dick tricks, or as they put it, "installations" including the Eiffel Tower ("If you look at the top, you can actually see people milling around"), the Loch Ness Monster, the Sea Anemone, the Wristwatch, Prince Philip, the Digeridoo and Kentucky Fried Chicken - which will never taste the same again. The results of their handiwork are projected onto a giant screen while the predominantly female audience howled with laughter and grown men winced, beholding the Joey in his Pouch (I can do that one) or attempting to coax the Mollusk out of his shell. As various reviewers have said: "Despite its startlingly frank content, the show is not smutty. The puerile puppeteers frolic innocently round the stage like two little boys who have just discovered what is happening `Down Under' for the first time." Or, in other words, "Mother of God, what manner of evil is this?" One 60-year-old woman, wiping away tears of laughter, came up to them afterwards at the pub next door and said: "`I've been waiting 40 years to laugh at a penis like that." Simon revealed to me that his fondest hope is to play Vegas. I know that wherever they end up next, they'll have a ball...
"Life, liberty, and the pursuit of happiness." All very nice, but that's not exactly how I wanted to be "endowed by my Creator," if you know what I mean. - Jim Rosenberg's "Ruminations & Ponderances"
MEANWHILE, BACK IN THE US, EH? A federal appeals court has upheld an Alabama law banning the sale of artificial penises. The law was challenged last year by six women who either sell sex aids or said they "need" them. A U.S. District Judge agreed saying it was "overly broad" and in violation of due process rights. But last week a three-judge 11th Circuit panel overturned the ruling saying the law, "is rationally related to the state's legitimate government interest in public morality." The penalty for selling or distributing a dildo in Alabama? Up to one year in jail and a $10,000 fine.
"In order to make an apple pie from scratch, you must first create the universe." - Carl Sagan
IT ALL PANS OUT Critic Frank Coghlan writes deliciously scathing film reviews in the excellent Irish Times, to which I became quite addicted. Criticing "The Klumps", he wrote a paragraph that had me spitting Guiness through my nose, (although I'll never equal Mr. Cole's Guiness record of expelling a strand of spaghetti from his nose for a distance of 19 centimeters). "The love interest is supplied by Janet Jackson who plays a science professor (a laugh at last). Her acting range is impressive, though - she smiles sweetly when she's happy and knits her brow like an aran sweater when she's not. This makes her the star turn. Jesus wept."
"We are all walk-ons in other people's lives." - Playwright Alan Ayckbourn
SING ALONG We were in London the day John Lennon would have turned 60, a rainy day that we spent in a pub on the Westside reading papers and downing pints. In one of many articles commemorating his life, it was revealed that the last track Lennon completed on the night he died, "Help Me Help Myself", contains the lyrics, "Well, I tried so hard to stay alive/But the angel of destruction keeps on hounding me, all around..." Writer Robert Webb recalled that John once told him that after suffering through a rendition of "Yesterday" played by a restaurant violinist, he asked John to sign his instrument. "He couldn't understand that I didn't write the song. But I guess he couldn't have gone from table to table playing 'I am the Walrus'."
"Somebody said to me,'But the Beatles were anti-materialistic.' That's a huge myth. John and I literally used to sit down and say, 'Now let's write a swimming pool.'" - Paul McCartney
HOT AIR A man in a hot air balloon realized he was lost, so he reduced altitude and spotted a woman below. "Excuse me, can you help me?", he shouted, "I promised a friend I would meet him an hour ago, but I don't know where I am." The woman replied, "You're in a hot air balloon hovering approximately 30 feet above the ground between 40 and 41 degrees north latitude and 59 and 60 degrees west longitude." "You must be a Production Manager," said the balloonist. "I am," replied the woman, "How did you know?" "Well," answered the balloonist, "everything you told me is technically correct, but I have no idea what to make of your information, and the fact is I'm still lost." The woman below responded, "You must be a Producer." "I am," replied the balloonist, "but how did you know?" "Well," said the woman, "you don't know where you are or where you're going. You have risen to where you are due to a large quantity of hot air. You made a promise which you have no idea how to keep, and you expect me to solve your problem. The fact is you're in exactly the same position you were in before we met; but now, somehow, it's my fault."(From Judy Cohen)
"I started at the top and worked down." - Orson Welles
GIVING THEM THE FINGER In another London paper was a jolly article (with pictures) about Everest climber Major Lane - part of the second British team to scale the mountain in 1976 -- who had just donated his five frostbitten fingers and ten amputated toes to the National Army Museum in Chelsea. Although museum spokesperson Jo Wooley commented that "The fingers and toes tell a great story and also capture a bit of the typical army humor," Lane added, "I don't think it was quite what they expected."
"Served with marinated chicken filet pieces, cashew nuts and breaded sweet corn and Caesar dressing." - The Stag pub's Chicken Caesar, London
HERE PIGGY, PIGGY As noted in Massie Ritsch's "Trail Mix" column in the L.A. Times, Democratic incumbent Bob Bacon is in a tight race with Libertarian Clifford Ham in Northern Colorado. "Their get-togethers with voters are invariably billed as 'meat the candidates' sessions, and joking charges of 'pork-barrel politics' have been raised. With the other two candidates hogging the attention, challenger Bill Benton complains, 'I've been sandwiched by both of them.'" Meanwhile, in Vermont, Karen Kerin was engaged in a battle to unseat a Republican Congressional incumbent Bernie Sanders with a platform that favors the recording but not licensing of same-sex marriages, to be performed "only in churches." Karen has nevertheless been described as an embarrassment to the Grand Old Party because she was actually born Charles Kerin and changed her gender after a prolonged battle with cancer. What's more, there is another Karen Kerin who is the wife of a cousin of the challenger and lives in of all places, Middlesex. "He, I mean she, is a nut, a fruitcake," rants the other Kerin. "She's made a mockery of my name. I'm thinking of changing it, I really am." And in Idaho, condemned murderer Lacey Mark Sivak is running for President with a write-in campaign aimed at returning power to the states. "While I may be locked up," Spivak said in a recent telephone interview reported by the L.A. Times' Massie Ritsch in "Trail Mix", "I believe I have a moral standard. I've got flaws [but] anybody who says they're perfect is lying to you."
"I asked him to lie down first so he wouldn't hurt himself when he fell down." - Psychotic Killer quote of the week from Dr. John
HANDING IT ON It was also in the U.K. that we read of the death by his own hand of cowboy/actor Richard Farnsworth on his ranch in New Mexico, ending his suffering from cancer. He was the oldest person ever honored by an Academy Award Nomination after a long career as a stuntman and doubling for Kirk Douglas in "Sparticus" "I had real skinny legs," he reminisced, "I looked like a crane in that short skirt." But he eventually tried his hand at reading lines because "that ground started getting really hard." As a co-founder of the Stuntman's Union, I know he would have been really happy that the long AFTRA/SAG strike appears to finally be coming to a successful conclusion. Ride 'em cowboy.
"The only people for me are the mad ones, the ones who are mad to live, mad to talk, mad to be saved, desirous of everything at the same time, the ones who never yawn or say a commonplace thing, but burn, burn, burn like fabulous yellow roman candles exploding like spiders across the stars."- Jack Kerouac "On the Road"
WAITING NO MORE And among the other luminaries who were snuffed out in the past few weeks, none was more shocking than the passing of fellow Antaean David Dukes, who died suddenly of a heart attack playing tennis on his day off, filming a role in Stephen King's ABC mini-series "Rose Red" in Vancouver. Melinda and I worked with him recently in one of Yuri Rassovsky's wonderful science-fiction pieces for his "2000 X" radio series and saw him perform with John Vickery at the Matrix, where he was a founding member, in "Waiting For Godot". He was 55. He waits no more. Nor does philosopher Charles Hartshorne, who died at 103 after a life dedicated to a search for the nature of God, apparently inspired by a simple statement his mother made to him when he was a boy. "Charles", she said, "Life is big." A famed theologian, he was also a renowned ornithologist who posited that birds, like some people, actually sing "for the pure joy of it."
"In three words I can sum up everything I've learned about life. It goes on." - Robert Frost
+++++++++++(OCTOBER 23, 2000)++++++++++ * FIRESIGN SITE: www.firesigntheatre.com * FIRESIGN PRODUCT: www.lodestone-media.com * FUNNY TIMES: www.funnytimes.com * PLANET PROCTOR: http://www.planetproctor.com
PLANET PROCTOR (C) 2000 by Phil Proctor
-- Have a magic day and pass it on. Magic Mike http://funandmagic.com/
Subject: Mud hole in the desert Date: Sun, 22 Oct 2000 12:33:51 -0700 From: Magic Mike <mmb To: you <mmb
Hi, Here is a great black and white for your desk today of a Mud Pot Near Niland, Salton Sea, CA The Salton Sea area is volcanic. See it at my Photo Of The Day. A reminder that the photos blend into your desk best if you make your background color Black in your Monitor Display Properties. Have a magic day and pass it on. Magic Mike http://funandmagic.com/
Here's two bumper stickers I saw in Seattle. They remind me of Bush's record in Texas and Slade Gorton's record here in Washinton.
Maybe If We Ignore The Environment It Will Just Go Away.
Trees Don't Grow On Money Either.
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President Clinton was very curious about how the Jewish people knew everything before he did. So he called the CIA and FBI and asked them to figure it out. A week later they came back and said,
"Mr. President, the Jews have something called Shabbat, and they meet each other at the synagogue, and there is a code.
They sit, they pray, and there is a word that is the key to this secret: "Nu?" When one says to other, "Nu?", the other tells him everything... every bit of news."
This Clinton wanted to see for himself. The secret service dressed him like a Hassid, and taught him to read from the right to the left of the Siddur (prayer book ).
Clinton arrived at a synagogue on Shabbat, and sat beside another religious man. He waited for a moment, and said, "Nu?" The man answered... "Shh, Clinton is coming!"
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Thou shalt not weigh more than thy refrigerator.
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"The Toddler Diet"
People are always on the lookout for a new diet. The trouble with most diets is that you don't get enough to eat (the starvation diet), you don't get enough variation (the liquid diet) or you go broke (the all-meat diet). Consequently, people tend to cheat on their diets, or quit after 3 days.
Well, now there's the new Toddler Miracle Diet.
Over the years you may have noticed that most two year olds are trim. Now the formula to their success is available to all in this new diet. You may want to consult your doctor before embarking on this diet, otherwise, you may be seeing him afterwards. Good Luck !!!
DAY ONE
Breakfast: One scrambled egg, one piece of toast with grape jelly. Eat 2 bites of egg, using your fingers; dump the rest on the floor. Take 1 bite of toast, then smear the jelly over your face and clothes.
Lunch: Four crayons (any color), a handful of potato chips, and a glass of milk (3 sips only, then spill the rest).
Dinner: A dry stick, two pennies and a nickel, 4 sips of flat Sprite.
Bedtime snack: Throw a piece of toast on the kitchen floor.
DAY TWO
Breakfast: Pick up stale toast from kitchen floor and eat it. Drink half bottle of vanilla extract or one vial of vegetable dye.
Lunch: Half tube of "Pulsating Pink" lipstick and a handful of Purina DogChow (any flavor). One ice cube, if desired.
Afternoon snack: Lick an all-day sucker until sticky, take outside, drop in dirt. Retrieve and continue slurping until it is clean again. Then bring inside and drop on rug.
Dinner: A rock or an uncooked bean, which should be thrust up your left nostril. Pour Grape Kool-Aid over mashed potatoes; eat with spoon.
DAY THREE
Breakfast: Two pancakes with plenty of syrup, eat one with fingers, rub in hair. Glass of milk; drink half, stuff other pancake in glass. After breakfast, pick up yesterday's sucker from rug, lick off fuzz, put it on the cushion of best chair.
Lunch: Three matches, peanut butter and jelly sandwich. Spit several bites onto the floor. Pour glass of milk on table and slurp up.
Dinner: Dish of ice cream, handful of potato chips, some red punch. Try to laugh some punch through your nose, if possible.
FINAL DAY
Breakfast: A quarter tube of toothpaste (any flavor), bit of soap, an olive. Pour a glass of milk over bowl of cornflakes, add half a cup of sugar. Once cereal is soggy, drink milk and feed cereal to dog.
Lunch: Eat bread crumbs off kitchen floor and dining room carpet. Find that sucker and finish eating it.
Dinner: Drop pieces of spaghetti onto back of dog, insert meatball into ear. Dump pudding into Kool-aid and suck up with a straw.
REPEAT DAYS AS NEEDED!
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"Strict, Unbending Rules For Dealing With Stray Cats"
1. Stray cats will not be fed. 2. Stray cats will not be fed anything except dry cat food. 3. Stray cats will not be fed anything except dry cat food moistened with a little milk. 4. Stray cats will not be fed anything except dry cat food moistened with warm milk, yummy treats and leftover fish scraps. 5. Stray cats will not be encouraged to make this house their permanent residence. 6. Stray cats will not be petted, played with or picked up and cuddled unnecessarily. 7. Stray cats that are petted, played with, picked up and cuddled will absolutely not be given a name. 8. Stray cats with or without a name will not be allowed inside the house at any time. 9. Stray cats will not be allowed inside the house except at certain times. 10. Stray cats will not be allowed inside the house except on days ending in "y". 11. Stray cats allowed inside will not be permitted to jump up on or sharpen their claws on the furniture. 12. Stray cats will not be permitted to jump up on, or sharpen claws on the really good furniture. 13. Stray cats will be permitted on all furniture but must sharpen claws on new $114.99 sisal-rope cat-scratching post with three perches. 14. Stray cats will answer the call of nature outdoors in the sand. 15. Stray cats will answer the call of nature in the three-piece, high-impact plastic tray filled with Fresh'n'Sweet kitty litter. 16. Stray cats will answer the call of nature in the hooded litter pan with a three-panel privacy screen and plenty of head room. 17. Stray cats will sleep outside. 18. Stray cats will sleep in the garage. 19. Stray cats will sleep in the house. 20. Stray cats will sleep in a cardboard box lined with an old blanket. 21. Stray cats will sleep in the special Kitty-Komfort-Bed with non-allergenic lamb's wool pillow. 22. Stray cats will not be allowed to sleep in our bed. 23. Stray cats will not be allowed to sleep in our bed, except at the foot. 24. Stray cats will not be allowed to sleep in our bed under the covers. 25. Stray cats will not be allowed to sleep in our bed under the covers except at the foot. 26. Stray cats will not play on the desk. 27. Stray cats will not play on the desk near the computer. 28. Stray cats are forbidden to walk on the computer keyboard on the desk when the human is sdfjjhhkl;ljfd.;oier'puyykmm4hbdm9l o9jmdskdm,. USING IT.
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"I'm going to graduate on time, no matter how long it takes." Senior basketball player at the University of Pittsburgh from Avi
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--=
A woman walked up to the manager of a department store. "Are you hiring any help?" she asked.
"No," he said. "We already have all the staff we need."
"Then would you mind getting someone to wait on me?" she asked.
-- Have a magic day and pass it on. Magic Mike http://funandmagic.com/
Subject: Incredible Landscape - Snow mountains and Sand Dunes Date: Fri, 20 Oct 2000 12:45:20 -0700 From: Magic Mike <mmb To: you <mmb
If the human brain was simple enough for us to understand we'd be so simple we couldn't understand.
Hi, Please send me more links if you see any while surfing. Also ANY good sites, I'll add to my LINKS page. I really recommend you sign up for the Free Self Duplicating Web Page that makes you money around the clock. I have had a customer a day this week. http://cognigen.net/bizop/main.cgi?phon4less Have a magic day and pass it on. Magic Mike http://funandmagic.com/
Two church members were going door to door, and knocked on the door of a woman who was not happy to see them. She told them in no uncertain terms that she did not want to hear their message and slammed the door in their faces.
To her surprise, however, the door did not close and, in fact, bounced back open. She tried again, really put her back into it, and slammed the door again with the same result -- the door bounced back open.
Convinced these rude young people were sticking their foot in the door, she reared back to give it a slam that would teach them a lesson, when one of them said: "Ma'am, before you do that again you need to move your cat."
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My family physician told me of an incident that actually happened to him back in the early days of his practice.
He said a woman brought her baby to see him, and he determined right away that the baby had an earache. He wrote a prescription for ear drops. In the directions he wrote, "Put two drops in right ear every four hours" and he abbreviated "right" as an R with a circle around it.
Several days passed, and the woman returned with her baby, complaining that the baby still had an earache, and his little behind was getting really greasy with all those drops of oil.
The doctor looked at the bottle of ear drops and sure enough, the pharmacist had typed the following instructions on the label:
"Put two drops in R ear every four hours."
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Create your own cell phone deal! Lowest prices. Any plan you want. See plans in YOUR zip code. http://ld.net/?phon4less
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The Judge said to the defendant. "I thought I told you I never wanted to see you in here again."
"Your Honor," the criminal said, "that's what I tried to tell the police, but they wouldn't listen."
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A man is out, driving happily along in his car late one Saturday evening. Before too long, the cops pull him over.
The policeman walks up to the man and asks, "Have you been drinking, sir?"
"Why? Was I weaving all over the road?"
"No," replied, the policeman, "you were driving splendidly. It was the ugly fat chick in the passenger seat that gave you away."
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A noted psychiatrist was a guest at a blonde gathering, and his hostess naturally broached the subject in which the doctor was most at ease. "Would you mind telling me, Doctor," she asked, "how you detect a mental deficiency in somebody who appears completely normal?"
"Nothing is easier," he replied. "You ask him a simple question which everyone should answer with no trouble. If he hesitates, that puts you on the track."
"What sort of question?"
"Well, you might ask him, 'Captain Cook made three trips around the world and died during one of them. Which one?'
The blonde thought a moment, then said with a nervous laugh, "You wouldn't happen to have another example would you? I must confess I don't know much about history."
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Hiram lay breathing his last. He rose on one elbow and told the bedside gathering his last wishes, then began recounting financial matters. "Don't forget Samuel owes me $7,000."
His wife, Miriam, said, "What a mind the man has, clear as a bell to the very end."
"And I owe my partner Sid $210,000 for..."
At that point, his wife cut in, "Pay no attention to the poor man's ravings, he's obviously out of his head."
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Two old women were sitting on a bench waiting for their bus. The buses were running late, and a lot of time passed.
Finally, one woman turned to the other and said,
"You know, I've been sitting here so long, my butt fell asleep!"
The other woman turned to her and said,
"I know! I heard it snoring!"
--=-=-=-=-=--=-=-=--=-=
It was Christmas and the judge was in a benevolent mood as he questioned the prisoner. "What are you charged with?" he asked.
"Doing my Christmas shopping early," replied the defendant.
"That's no offense," replied the judge. "How early were you doing this shopping?"
"Before the store opened," countered the prisoner.
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While her mother was studying the chapter on hematology for her nursing class, Danielle, 4, asked what she was reading.
Her mother said she was learning about blood and she explained how the heart pumps blood all the way through the body. Then she taught Danielle to feel her pulse in her wrists and feet. Danielle wandered away and her mother noticed her looking at the soles of her feet.
Then Danielle twisted and turned and pulled down the top of her shorts to look at her bottom. She stretched her arms all the way around and managed to feel her back.
Her mother didn't pay any attention until Danielle came back and asked, "Where do we put the batteries?"
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At one Army base, the annual trip to the rifle range had been canceled for the second year in a row, but the semi-annual physical fitness test was still on as planned.
One soldier mused, "Does it bother anyone else that the Army doesn't seem to care how well we can shoot, but they are extremely interested in how fast we can run?"
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"A cop stopped me for speeding. He said, "Why were you going so fast?" I said, "See this thing my foot is on? It's called an accelerator. When you push down on it, it sends more gas to the engine. The whole car just takes right off. And see this thing? This steers it."
-- Steven Wright
-- Have a magic day and pass it on. Magic Mike http://funandmagic.com/
Subject: Star Trek Technology Starts!Ideas from The Dalai Lama Date: Wed, 18 Oct 2000 10:32:31 -0700 From: Magic Mike <mmb To: you <mmb
Hi, Today on my Photo Of The Day, see a photo of the new docking ring, installed yesterday at the International Space Station, with the Earth below. Also, when you are near the bottom of the Photo Links main page, look for a new Space Link to a new Star Trek Age technology. Scientists have successfully created an electromagnetic bubble, inflating it by injecting ignited plasma. They will use this around a probe or ship to propel it by the force of the solar wind. They estimate a velocity of 180,000 miles an hour, and it will ward off solar radiation and flares. Shields up, Scotty! I was sent two different items about The Dalai Lama. I researched the statements and found that everyone leaves off the last few lines. I have included them. But, first, something from him on a more practical application. Have a magic day, Magic Mike http://funandmagic.com/
The Dalai Lama Meditation The Dalai Lama has been acknowledged by Tibetan Buddhists to be a reincarnation of the God of Compassion and by the world in general to be a Nobel Peace Prize winner but few know him to be a practicing meditator. All his life, he has been surrounded by masters of meditation and has been initiated into many different techniques. It is therefore appropriate that we pay attention when he points out one method so valuable that he does it everyday:
Remember when you were a kid and they often had cartoons where someone had a devil on one shoulder and an angel on the other and they were whispering into an ear -- one encouraging doing "bad" and one doing "good". In a way, that's the basis of the Dalai Lama Meditation technique.
Sit quietly, calmly with eyes closed, as relaxed yet aware as you can be. Visualize yourself on the left side of you minds eye as you would appear to yourself and others in a moment of impatience. Really see this inner vision. Watch your face, observe your body language. What does your impatient self look like? On the right side of your minds eye, see yourself when you are very patient. What do you look like when you have a lifetime of time. As tense as you appeared on the left as your impatient self, see yourself as relaxed in your patience on the right. Now on the left side, see yourself as you appear when you're depressed. Look carefully. How does that make you feel? Can you be aware of the aura of doom and gloom you're radiating? And then, on the right side of your minds eye, see yourself as you are when you're joyous. Merge with that happiness. Know how others would see you.
Continue seeing all the seemingly negative feelings and behaviors on the inner left-hand side of your minds eye and the opposite on the right. On the left, see yourself as jealous and on the right as how you appear when you are truly glad for someone else's sucess or happiness. On the right, see the bigoted you and on the right, the all-embracing. On the left the mean, on the right the sweet. See the stupid you and the brilliant. See the clumsy and the graceful. On the left, see the unsatisfied and on the right, the contented.
Go on and on, becoming familiar with the "you" on the left and the opposite "you" on the right. Then see the total "you" who would be there on the left if none of the characteristics of the right side were present. Now see the "you" who would be the totality of yourself with the right side only if none of the behaviors and feelings of the left side "you" had ever appeared.
The Dalai Lama tells us that there is nothing else necessary because just by seeing your negative left-side self, you will become so disgusted with yourself when you witness yourself acting in any of the left side ways that you will automatically cease any of those actions and start doing and feeling the right-side actions. Eventually, you will become the right-side you exclusively. Eventually, you will have peace, compassion, wisdom, good health, patience, and all the other glorious aspects of life.
This technique has the potential to change your life profoundly for the better. It is one of the best antidotes for negativity. It is consistent with his unlimited compassion that the Dalai Lama has shared it with us.
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Take into account that great love and great achievements involve great risk.
When you lose don't lose the lesson.
Follow the three R's: Respect for self, Respect for others and Responsibility for all your actions.
Remember that not getting what you want is sometimes a wonderful stroke of luck.
Learn the rules so you know how to break them properly.
Don't let a little dispute injure a great friendship.
When you realize you've made a mistake, take immediate steps to correct it.
Spend some time alone every day.
Open your arms to change, but don't let go of your values.
Remember that silence is sometimes the best answer.
Live a good, honorable life. Then when you get older and think back, you'll be able to enjoy it a second time.
A loving atmosphere in your home is the foundation for your life.
In disagreements with loved ones, deal only with the current situation. Don't bring up the past.
Share your knowledge. It's a way to achieve immortality.
Be gentle with the earth.
Once a year, go some place you've never been before.
Remember that the best relationship is one in which your love for each other exceeds your need for each other.
Judge your success by what you had to give up in order to get it.
Approach love and cooking with reckless abandon. I also know that dreams really do come true and you have my Best Wishes and my best efforts in those.
Regards, Dalai Lama
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Perhaps I know why it is man alone who laughs: He alone suffers so deeply that he had to invent laughter. Friedrich Wilhelm Nietzsche
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A father noticed that his son was spending way too much time playing computer games.
In an effort to motivate the boy into focusing more attention on his schoolwork, the father said to his son, "When Abe Lincoln was your age, he was studying books by the light of the fireplace."
The son replied, "When Lincoln was your age, he was The President of The United States."
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The math teacher posed this problem, "A wealthy man dies and leaves ten million dollars. One-fifth is to go to his wife, one-fifth is to go to his son, one-sixth to his butler, and the rest to charity. Now, what does each get?"
The savvy student answered, "A lawyer!"
-- Have a magic day and pass it on. Magic Mike http://funandmagic.com/
Subject: 2 great pics. 2 losers Date: Tue, 17 Oct 2000 17:04:02 -0700 From: Magic Mike <mmb To: you <mmb
Never ask God to give you anything; ask Him to put you where things are. Mexican Proverb
Hi, Here are two wonderful desktop photos. One is an amazing structure in The Sahara Desert as seen from Space. The other is Dust and Gas Surrounding Star R Coronae Australis. Find them on the my PhotoLink page. http://funandmagic.com/ Tonight is the third Debate. I find it appalling that so many people are considering two people that have done nothing but line their pockets and that of their friends to the extent the Oil Boys have done. George made millions with no abilities. He and his brother were involved in the Silverado failure, he made money on the Texas ball team bringing nothing to the table, and insider knowledge just before his father and Cheney's Gulf War. Cheney made 100 million dollars when inflated government contracts went to the company that hired him, regardless of their bid. Cheney voted against Medicare, ban on cop killer bullets. He took a huge bonus package and the company laid off thousands and had to reduce retirement pay to common employees. Did you see the gleam in George's eye when he talked of giving the death penalty? Texas killed a man who wouldn't plead guilty because his accomplice did it. The accomplice who did the killing wasn't given death. They are giving two other men death for a murder with one bullet. Bush refused to sign the Hate Law in Texas. Why? His family
favored Nazis, he spoke at Bob Jones University because he really doesn't like minorities. Yet his brother pardoned Chuck Colsen the other day, who tried to cover-up the bugging and sabotage of the Election of the highest office. It's okay to be powerful and be absolved, but don't be poor or not a WASP, or old, or pregnant. If you vote Republican you are will guarantee open raids on our money, resources, air, and water, gutting of all environmental laws, no gun control, no choice for women, and no benefits for middle income seniors. Take a hard look.
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Put 5 apes in a room. Hang a banana from the ceiling and place a ladder underneath the banana. The banana is only reachable by climbing the ladder. Have it set up so any time an ape starts to climb the ladder, the whole room is sprayed with ice cold water.
In a short time, all the apes will learn not to climb the ladder.
Now take one ape out and replace him with another one, No.6, and disable the sprayer. The new ape (no. 6) will start to climb the ladder and will be attacked unmercifully by the other four apes. He will have no idea why he was attacked.
Replace another old ape with new one. The same thing will happen, with ape No. 6 doing the most hitting. Continue this pattern until all the old apes have been replaced.
Now all of the apes will stay off of the ladder, attack any ape that attempts to, and have absolutely no idea why they are doing it.
This is how company policy and culture is formed.
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-=
COMPUTER PROBLEM REPORT FORM:
1. Describe your problem:
_______________________________________
_______________________________________
______________________
2. Now, describe the problem accurately:
_______________________________________
_______________________________________
______________________
3. Speculate wildly about the cause of the problem:
_______________________________________
_______________________________________
_______________________
4. Problem severity:
A. Minor B. Minor C. Minor D. Trivial
5. Nature of the problem:
A. ___Locked Up B. ___Frozen C. ___Hung D. ___Strange Smell
6. Is your computer plugged in? Yes __ No __
7. Is it turned on? Yes __ No __
8. Have you tried to fix it yourself? Yes __ No __
9. Have you made it worse? Yes __
10. Have you had a friend who "knows all about computers " try to fix it for you? Yes__ No__
11. Did they make it even worse? Yes __
12. Have you read the manual? Yes__ No__
13. Are you sure you've read the manual? Maybe __ No__
14. Are you absolutely certain you've read the manual? No__
15. If you read the manual, do you think you understood it? Yes__ No__
16. If 'Yes' then explain why you can't fix the problem
yourself:
_______________________________________
_______________________________________
______________________
17. What were you doing with your computer when the problem
occurred?
_______________________________________
_______________________________________
______________________
18. If you answered 'nothing' then explain why you were
logged in:
_______________________________________
_______________________________________
_______________________
19. Are you sure that you aren't imagining the problem? Yes__ No__
20. Does the clock on your VCR blink 12:00? Yes__ What's a VCR__
21. Do you have a copy of 'PCs for Dummies'? Yes__ No__
22. Do you have any independent witnesses to the problem? Yes__ No__
23. Do you have any electronic products that DO work? Yes __ No__
24. Is there anyone else that you could blame this problem on? Yes__ No__
25. Have you given the machine a good whack on the top? Yes__ No__
26. Is the machine on fire? Yes__ Not Yet __
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-=-=-
31 SIGNS THAT TECHNOLOGY HAS TAKEN OVER YOUR LIFE
1. Your stationery is more cluttered than Warren Beatty's address book. The
letterhead lists a fax number, E-mail addresses for two online services, and
your Internet address, which spreads across the breadth of the letterhead and
continues to the back. In essence, you have conceded that the first page of
any letter you write *is* letterhead.
2. You have never sat through an entire movie without having at least one
device on your body beep or buzz.
3. You need to fill out a form that must be typewritten, but you can't
because there isn't one typewriter in your house -- only computers with laser
printers.
4. You think of the gadgets in your office as "friends," but you forget to
send your father a birthday card.
5. You disdain people who use low baud rates.
6. When you go into a computer store, you eavesdrop on a salesperson talking
with customers -- and you butt in to correct him and spend the next twenty
minutes answering the customers' questions, while the salesperson stands by
silently, nodding his head.
7. You use the phrase "digital compression" in a conversation without
thinking how strange your mouth feels when you say it.
8. You constantly find yourself in groups of people to whom you say the
phrase "digital compression." Everyone understands what you mean, and you are
not surprised or disappointed that you don't have to explain it.
9. You know Bill Gates' E-mail address, but you have to look up your own
social security number.
10. You stop saying "phone number" and replace it with "voice number," since
we all know the majority of phone lines in any house are plugged into
contraptions that talk to other contraptions.
11. You sign Christmas cards by putting :-) next to your signature.
12. Off the top of your head, you can think of nineteen keystroke symbols that
are far more clever than :-)
13. You back up your data every day.
14. Your wife asks you to pick up some minipads for her at the store and you
return with a rest for your mouse.
15. You think jokes about being unable to program a VCR are stupid.
16. On vacation, you are reading a computer manual and turning the pages
faster than everyone else who is reading John Grisham novels.
17. The thought that CD could refer to investment finance or music rarely
enters your mind.
18. You are able to argue persuasively that Ross Perot's phrase "electronic
town hall" makes more sense than the term "information superhighway," but you
don't because, after all, the man still uses hand-drawn pie charts.
19. You go to computer trade shows and map out your path of the exhibit hall
in advance. However, you cannot give someone directions to your house without
looking up the street names.
20. You would rather get more dots per inch than miles per gallon.
21. You become upset when a person calls you on the phone to sell you
something, but you think it's okay for a computer to call and demand that you
start pushing buttons on your telephone to receive more information about the
product it is selling.
22. You know without a doubt that disks come in five-and-a-quarter and three-
and-a-half inch sizes.
23. Al Gore strikes you as an "intriguing" fellow.
24. You own a set of itty-bitty screwdrivers and you actually know where they
are.
25. While contemporaries swap stories about their recent hernia surgeries, you
compare mouse-induced index-finger strain with a nine-year-old.
26. You are so knowledgeable about technology that you feel secure enough to
say "I don't know" when someone asks you a technology question instead of
feeling compelled to make something up.
27. You rotate your screen savers more frequently than your automobile tires.
28. You have a functioning home copier machine, but every toaster you own
turns bread into charcoal.
29. You have ended friendships because of irreconcilably different opinions
about which is better: the track ball or the track pad.
30. You understand all the jokes in this message. If so, my friend,
technology has taken over your life. We suggest, for your own good, that you
go lie under a tree and write a haiku. And don't use a laptop.
31. You E-mail this message to your friends over the net. You'd never get
around to showing it to them in person or reading it to them on the phone. In
fact, you have probably never met most of these people face-to-face.
-==-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=
-
Having passed the enlistment physical, Jon was asked by the doctor, "Why do you want to join the Navy, son?"
"My father said it'd be a good idea, sir."
"Oh? And what does your father do?"
"He's in the Army, sir."
-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-
The teacher wrote
"Like I ain't had no fun in months"
on the board and then she said,
"Timmy, how should I correct that?"
Timmy replied,
"Maybe you should get a new boyfriend?"
-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=
My grandson was visiting one day when he asked, "Grandma, do you know how you and God are alike?" I mentally polished my halo while I asked, "No, how are we alike?" "You're both old," he replied."
--=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=
To make it possible for everyone to attend church on Sunday, we are proposing to have a special 'No Excuse Sunday.'
1. Cots will be placed in the foyer for those who say,'Sunday is my only day to sleep in.'
2. They will have steel helmets for those who say, 'The roof will cave in if I ever came to church.'
3. Blankets will be furnished for those who say it is too cold and fans for those who say it is too hot.
4. There will be hearing aids for those who say, 'The pastor speaks too softly,' and cotton for those who say, 'He preaches too loudly.'
5. Scorecards will be available for those who wish to list the hypocrites present.
6. Some relatives will be in attendance for those who like to go visiting on Sunday.
7. There will be TV dinners for those who can't go to church and cook dinner too.
8. Golf clubs will be available for practice swings for those who like to golf on Sunday.
-==-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=
A true friend is one who thinks you're a good egg even though you're half-cracked.
-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=
-=-=
A "tourist," supposedly on a golf holiday, stood in line at the customs counter. While making idle chatter, the customs official thought it odd that the golfer didn't know what a handicap was. The officer then asked the tourist to demonstrate his swing. He did - backwards. A substantial amount of narcotics were found in the golf bag.
-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=
The Lottery Winner
Californian Bill Helko was thrilled when he had the winning numbers in the local lottery, the first prize being $412,000.
He straight away went and ordered a Porsche, booked a family holiday in Hawaii and had a champagne dinner with his wife and friends at an expensive Hollywood restaurant.
When he went to pick up the winnings he found that 9,097 others had also won first prize and his share of the jackpot was $45.
-- Have a magic day and pass it on. Magic Mike http://funandmagic.com/
Subject: Sunset over Shasta, NASA TV on the Web, Space Movie Archive, 3 funny stress relief movies. Date: Mon, 02 Oct 2000 21:58:04 -0700 From: Magic Mike <mmb To: you <mmb
Hi, Today see Mount Shasta and Sunset at my Photo Page. At the bottom of the listings on that page I have added NASA TV on The Web, which you should use on October 5th through October 7th as the next mission, in a Russian rocket, goes up to the International Space Station. I also added the link to the Space Movie Archive with 2500 movies. I added 3 funny shockwave shows to the Stress Relief page - Don't bug me, The boss, and Spontaneous man. This is all SOuth Park type humor(?). Stop at the Telecom Page for $12.95 56k Internet Dial-up, or if you want 3 months free high speed trial, write me. Have a magic day and stop by. Magic Mike http://funandmagic.com
Farmer wins the ten million dollar lottery and is being interviewed. He is asked what he is going to do with all the money.
"Oh, I guess the first thing I'll do is go and pay a few bills"
"And what about the rest?", the reporter asks.
Farmer shrugs. "Well, I guess they'll just have to wait"
-=---=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=--
SOME CRAZY LAWS
In Temperance, MS, you can't walk a dog without dressing it in diapers.
In St. Louis, a law on the books makes it illegal to park your car without turning off the engine. This was to avoid scaring horses.
In Kansas City, KS, saying the name “George Washington” without adding the phrase “blessed be his name,” can land you with a fine of up to fifty cents.
In California, selling a gold piece without tooth marks in it is considered forgery.
An old statute in Flint, MI, compels dentists to offer a “slug of whiskey with no additional charge to said patient.” In Manchester, England, an ancient law declares that if a young man develops a lisp, he must be inspected by a bishop to ensure that he isn't developing homosexual tendencies.
The city of San Francisco holds a copyright on the name “San Francisco.” It is illegal to manufacture any item with the name without first getting permission from the city. Since the Supreme Court upheld the copyright, San Francisco has had an annual $300 million surplus every year.
In Raleigh, North Carolina, before a man asks for a woman's hand in marriage, he must be “inspected by all the barnyard animals on the young woman's family's property, to ensure a harmonious farm life.” Slavery is still legal in Decatur, Alabama.
In Salzburg, Germany, any child born on August 18th must be tested for possible witchcraft. This is due to a local legend that an evil warlock was born on that day in 1638.
-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=
-=-=-=-=-=-=-=
-=
In the courtroom the judge is asking the little boy,
"Do you want to live with your mother?"
The little says,
"No, she beats me."
The judge says,
"Do you want to live with your father?"
"No, he beats me too," says the little boy.
The judge scratches his head and says,
"Ok, son, then who do you want to live with?"
Without a moment's hesitation the boy says loudly,
"The Houston Astros, because they don't beat anybody."
-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-==----=-
The pastor was talking to a group of young children about being good and going to heaven. At the end of his talk, he asked, "Where do you want to go?"
"Heaven!" they all piped up.
"And what do you have to be to get there?"
"Dead!" -- Have a magic day and pass it on. Magic Mike http://funandmagic.com/
