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Magic Mike's Jokes Archive #27
Jokes from the mailbox, Magic Mailouts, NASA space
photo links and other great wallpaper photos,
and Firesign Phil's Planet Proctor Orbits.
Back to Joke Archive Entry
Magic Mike's Joke
Page Parlor Magic Mike's Home
Page
These jokes are to laugh at ourselves, so please
do not take offense.
"Since all phenomena, is a product of one's
own mind, empty of meaning, like a magician's illusion,
having nothing to do with good or bad, acceptance or rejection, one might
burst out in laughter."
- Longchenpa, 13th century Tibetan monk.
Subject: WOW! The Pleiades and Hyades, Saturn, Jupiter, and
Aldebaran - NASA 3D satellite tracking _ Terra zoom in anywhere, current
weather satellite photo, track an airline flight progress on a map, and
see flight data Date: Sat, 30 Sep 2000 14:08:15 -0700 From: Magic Mike
<mmb To: you <mmb
Hi, I have a jam packed edition for you today. Our desktop photo is a September Sky showing The Pleiades and Hyades, Saturn, Jupiter, and Aldebaran. See it at the Photo of The day Page. Then, at the bottom of the listings see links to NASA 3D plotter of the Earth's satellites. When there, pick Select/All and View at 100 times or 1000 times realtime speed. Use Shift click and Ctrl click to zoom in and out. Click on a dot to see it's name and orbit. Pull the orbit or the Earth to rotate to any apogee. I ALSO added to the Photo Page: Microsoft TerraServer - See satellite photos and maps of anywhere. Zoom in. Current Satellite Photos. Space Imaging Gallery. Earth From Space. TERRA - The EOS Flagship. Visible Earth - Directory of images and animations. Interactive Global Geostationary Weather Satellite Images. See any USA airline flight status - airspeed, altitude, and it's progress on the map. I went to lunch yesterday at a Chinese Buffet. There was a mailman there at another table reading the paper and enjoying a leisurely meal. I told him with a chuckle that I guess the Postal Creed doesn't say "... nor Chinese Buffet!" He laughed. -Magic Mike http://funandmagic.com/
Two postal workers had just gotten off their routes for the day when one of the postal workers saw the other step on a snail. "Why did you step on that snail, Tom?!," asked his perplexed coworker.
"Cause that darn snail's been following me around work all day!"
---=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=
-=-=
Soon after I got married, I was invited out for a night with "the boys. " I told the wife that I would be home by midnight ... promise! Well, the hours passed and the beer was going down way too easy, at around 3 A.M., drunk as a skunk, I headed for home. Just as I got in the door, the cuckoo clock in the hall started up and cuckooed 3 times. Quickly I realized she'd probably wake up, so I cuckooed another 9 times. I was really proud of myself, having a quick witty solution, even when smashed, to escape a possible conflict.
Next morning the wife asked me what time I got in and I told her 12 o'clock. She didn't seem disturbed at all. Whew! Got away with that one! She then told me that we needed a new cuckoo clock. When I asked her why, she said "Well, it cuckooed 3 times, said 'Oh, fuck,' cuckooed 4 more times, cleared its throat, cuckooed another 3 times, giggled, and finally cuckooed twice more before it farted."
-=-=-=-=-=--=-=-=-=-=-=-=--=
A kid comes home from college. His father is a farmer, and he's shoveling all the manure out of the outhouse onto the strawberries to fertilize them.
The kid says, "Hey, Pop, learned in college there's an easy way to do everything."
They go downtown and get some dynamite, they're gonna rig it up under the outhouse and blow the crap into the strawberry patch. They get it all rigged up, but they don't see Grandma coming to use the outhouse.
BABABOOOM!!!
The manure goes flying, and so does Grandma. Ploop! She lands in the strawberries!
They go running up to her, "Grandma, Grandma! My God, are you all right? Are you all right?"
She says, "Yeah, I'm fine. Whoo! I'm certainly glad I didn't let that one go in the kitchen!"
-==--=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=
-=-=
Little Johnny paints a sign: WE MOVE ANYTHING FOR A DIME; then tells his buddy Roy to get his fire-wagon and both sit under a shade tree in Little Johnny's front yard, waiting for business.
Kathy, across the street, is not to be outdone: Her sign says WE MOVE ANYTHING FOR A NICKEL; tells Nellie to get her fire-wagon and both sit in Kathy's yard.
Johnny's pissed. How DARE that GIRL? Then, a flash and Johnny hauls Roy across the street. "Let's get some laughs."
Johnny asked Kathy, "Say, you move ANYTHING?"
"Sure, Johnny. Give me a nickle and I'll prove it to you."
Johnny hands her a nickle. Kathy then says, "So, what do you want moved, Johnny?"
"Ha! I want you to move my BOWELS!" Johnny starts cracking up laughing.
Kathy thinks for a few seconds. She then turns to Nellie and softly says, "Here, Nellie, hold this nickle while I beat the shit out of this kid."
-=--=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=
-
After the fall in Garden of Eden, Adam was walking with his sons Cain and Abel.
They passed by the ruins of the Garden of Eden. One of the boys asked, "What's that?"
Adam replied, "Boys, that's where your mother ate us out of house and home."
-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=
-=-=-=
The Sunday School teacher had been helping the children learn about the Ten Commandments. One morning she asked, "Can anyone could recite the next commandment?"
Immediately Little Johnny said, "I can! I can!" And proceeded to say, "Thou shalt not take the covers off thy neighbor's wife!"
-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=
-=-=-=-=
A 4-year-old boy who was asked to return thanks before Christmas dinner. The family members bowed their heads in expectation. He began his prayer, thanking God for all his friends, naming them one by one. Then he thanked God for Mommy, Daddy, brother, sister, Grandma, Grandpa, and all his aunts and uncles. Then he began to thank God for the food.
He gave thanks for the turkey, the dressing, the fruit salad, the cranberry sauce, the pies, the cakes, even the Cool Whip. Then he paused, and everyone waited--and waited. After a long silence, the young fellow looked up at his mother and asked,
"If I thank God for the broccoli, won't he know that I'm lying?"
-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=
-=-=-=-=
Two cowboys are riding along a trail in the mountains when they suddenly hear tom toms beating very close to them.
"Oh! That doesn't sound good," one says to the other.
As soon as the words were spoken, an Indian jumps out from behind a tree and said, "Yeah, our regular drummer is out sick."
--=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=
-=-=-=--=
Assumption
Get this." said the bloke to his mates, "Last night while I was down at the pub with you guys, a burglar broke into my house."
"Did he get anything." his mates asked.
"Yeah, a broken jaw, six teeth knocked out, and a pair of broken nuts. The wife thought it was me coming home drunk."
-- Have a magic day and pass it on. Magic Mike http://funandmagic.com/ / The cleanest, cheapest water, 6 cents/gallon 3 cents/minute calls, and cheapest phone cards http://ld.net/?phon4less/
Subject: Incredible Coronal Loops, Solar movie, new cell phones Date: Thu, 28 Sep 2000 11:03:11 -0700 From: Magic Mike <mmb To: you <mmb
Hi, Wow! what a photo! What a movie!! Close-ups of large Coronal Loops of Electromagnetic Plasma, along with four movies of these loops boiling out of the Sun. See it at my Photo Of the Day. I promise to post some more recipes. Also, I get a real kick out of the cartoons that are sent to me from four national cartoonists. Stop on by and bring some friends. http://funandmagic.com/ . I now sell almost every major cell phone deal in the country from my Phon4less page. If you are about to get one, check it out. I sell AT&T, GTE, Sprint, MCI, Qwest, Cellular One, and TraceFone. I might sell others where you live. Put in your zip code to see. http://www.cognigen-cellular.com/modules/cognigen/default.asp?SDID=CG991206&UID=phon4less . I also have cheap pager service, and cheap 56k Internet Dial-up in 4000 cities in USA and Canada ($12.95 with 10 megs space) http://cognigen.net//main.cgi?phon4less OR I can get you a deal on high speed cable. Write me on the cable and I will give you a link. On all other telestuff, including 3 cents a minute long distance and call cards go to http://ld.net/?phon4less . Did you know I have 3 cents a minute calling cards to Europe and Hong Kong?
Congress Approves Americans With No Abilities Act
WASHINGTON, DC--On Tuesday, Congress approved the Americans With No Abilities Act, sweeping new legislation that provides benefits and protection for more than 135 million talentless Americans. The act, signed into law, its passage, is being hailed as a major victory for the millions upon millions of U.S. citizens who lack any real skills or uses.
"Roughly 50 percent of Americans--through no fault of their own-- do not possess the talent necessary to carve out a meaningful role for themselves in society," said a longtime ANA supporter.
"Their lives are futile hamster-wheel existences of unrewarding, dead-end busywork: Xeroxing documents written by others, filling out mail-in rebates for Black & Decker toaster ovens, and processing bureaucratic forms that nobody will ever see. Sadly, for these millions
of nonabled Americans, the American dream of working hard and moving up through the ranks is simply not a reality."
Under the Americans With No Abilities Act, more than 25 million important-sounding "middle man" positions will be created in the white-collar sector for nonabled persons, providing them with an illusory sense of purpose and ability. Mandatory, non-performance- based raises and promotions will also be offered to create a sense of upward mobility for even the most unremarkable, utterly replaceable employees.
The legislation also provides corporations with incentives to hire nonabled workers, including tax breaks for those who hire one non-germane worker for every two talented hirees.
Finally, the Americans With No Abilities Act also contains tough new measures to prevent discrimination against the nonabled by banning prospective employers from asking such job-interview questions as, "What can you bring to this organization?" and "Do you have any special skills that would make you an asset to this company?"
"As a nonabled person, I frequently find myself unable to keep up with co-workers who have something going for them," said Mary Lou Gertz, who lost her position as an unessential filing clerk at a Minneapolis tile wholesaler last month because of her lack of notable skills. "This new law should really help people like me." With the passage of the Americans With No Abilities Act, Gertz and millions of other untalented, unessential citizens can finally see a light at the end of the tunnel.
"It is our duty, both as lawmakers and as human beings, to provide each and every American citizen, regardless of his or her lack of value to society, some sort of space to take up in this great nation."
-=-==-==-==-===-=-=-=-=-==-=-=
Morris a big city CPA, moves to the country and decides he's going to take up farming. He heads to the local co-op and tells the man,
"Give me 100 baby chickens."
The co-op man complies.
A week later Morris returns and says,
"Give me 200 baby chickens."
The co-op man complies.
Again, a week later the man returns. This time he says,
"Give me 500 baby chickens."
"Wow!" the co-op man replies, "You must really be doing well!"
"Naw," said Morris with a sigh, "I'm either planting them too deep or too far apart!"
-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=
-
His wife had just bought a new line of expensive cosmetics absolutely guaranteed to make her looks years longer.
She sat in front of the mirror for what had to be hours applying the "miracle" products. Finally, when she was done, she turned to her husband and said, "Hon, honestly now, what age would you say I am?"
He nodded his head in assessment, and carefully said, "Well, hon, judging from your skin, twenty. Your hair, mmmm, eighteen. Your figure, twenty-five."
"Oh, you're so sweet!"
"Well, hang on, I'm not done adding it up yet."
-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=--=-=-=-
"Homework: A Step-by-Step How-To Guide"
1.Sit in a straight, comfortable chair in a well lighted place with plenty of freshly sharpened pencils.
2.Read over the assignment carefully, to make certain you understand it.
3.Walk down to the vending machines and buy some coffee to help you concentrate.
4.Stop off at another floor, on the way back and visit with your friend from class. If your friend hasn't started the paper yet either, you can both walk to McDonalds and buy a hamburger to help you concentrate. If your friend shows you his paper, typed, double-spaced, and bound in one of those irritating see-thru plastic folders, drop him.
5.When you get back to your room, sit in a straight, comfortable chair in a clean, well lighted place with plenty of freshly sharpened pencils.
6.Read over the assignment again to make absolutely certain you understand it.
7.You know, you haven't written to that kid you met at camp since fourth grade. You'd better write that letter now and get it our of the way so you can concentrate.
8.Go look at your teeth in the bathroom mirror.
9.Listen to one side of your favorite tape and that's if , I mean it, as soon as it's over you are going to start that paper.
10.Listen to the other side.
11.Rearrange all of your cds into alphabetical order.
12.Phone your friend on the other floor and ask if he's started writing yet. Exchange derogatory remarks about your teacher, the course, the university, the world at large.
13.Sit in a straight, comfortable chair in a clean, well lighted place with plenty of freshly sharpened pencils.
14.Read over the assignment again; roll the words across your tongue; savor its special flavor.
15.Check the newspaper listings to make sure you aren't missing something truly worthwhile on TV. NOTE: When you have a paper due in less than 12 hours, anything on TV from Masterpiece Theater to Sgt. Preston of the Yukon, is truly worthwhile, with these exceptions: a) Pro Bowler's Tour; b)any movie starring Don Ameche; c) Star Trek.
16. If there is nothing good on TV, check and make sure you're not missing anything good on the radio. Once again, if the paper is due in less than 12 hours, anything on the radio from to Aerosmith to Mozart is good except anything: a) country; b)by the Spice Girls.
17.Catch the last hour of Soul Brother of Kung Fu on channel 26.
18.Phone your friend on the third floor to see if he was watching. Discuss the finer points of the plot.
19.Go look at your tongue in the bathroom mirror.
20.Look through your roommate's book of pictures from home. Ask who everyone is.
21.Sit down and do some serious thinking about your plans for the future.
22.Open your door and check to see if there are any mysterious, trench-coated strangers lurking in the hall.
23.Sit in a straight, comfortable chair in a clean, well lighted place with plenty of freshly sharpened pencils.
24.Read over the assignment one more time, just for the heck of it.
25.Scoot your chair across the room to the window and watch the sunrise.
26.Lie face down on the floor and moan.
27.Leap up and write the paper.
28.Type the paper.
29.Complain to everyone that you didn't get any sleep because you had to write the stupid paper.
-=--=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=--=-
Do you know what would have happened if it had been Three Wise Women instead of three Wise Men?
They would have asked directions, arrived on time, helped deliver the baby, cleaned the stable, made a casserole, and brought practical gifts.
Men's rebuttal:
Yeah, and do you know what they said when they left?
... "Did you see the sandals Mary was wearing with that gown?" ... "That baby doesn't look anything like Joseph!" ... "Can you believe that they let all of those disgusting animals in the house?" ... "I heard that Joseph isn't even working right now!" ... "And that donkey that they are riding has seen better days too!" ... "Want to bet on how long it will take until you get your casserole dish back?"
-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=
-=-=-=
The Governor made room on his busy calendar to hear the pleas of one Mrs. Smith that her husband be released from the state penitentiary. "What was he sentenced for?" asked the Governor gently.
"For stealing a loaf of bread," nervously replied the offender's wife.
"Is he a good husband?"
"No," she replied frankly, blushing a bit. "He beats me when he gets drunk, he bullies our children, he's unfaithful, and really not much good at all."
"It sounds to me as though you're better off without him," said the Governor. "Why on earth do you want him out of jail?"
"Well," she explained, "we're out of bread again."
--=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=
-=-=
At one game, a lady kept up a steady flow of threats at the umpire. No matter what was happening on the field, she kept yelling, "Kill the umpire!"
This went on for an hour.
Another patron said, "Lady, the umpire hasn't done anything wrong."
The woman said, "He`s my husband and he came home last night with lipstick on his collar. Kill the umpire!!"
-- Have a magic day and pass it on. Magic Mike http://funandmagic.com/ . The cleanest, cheapest water, 6 cents/gallon . 3 cents/minute calls, and cheapest phone cards http://ld.net/?phon4less . Be Paid 2 Surf, on you and others also http://funandmagic.com/paid2surf.html .
Subject: Leaf and Spider, Date: Wed, 27 Sep 2000 11:18:48 -0700 From: Magic Mike <mmb To: you <mmb
"The other night I ate at a real nice family restaurant. Every table had an argument going." George Carlin
Hi, Today, we are going over to Norway again to Odd Ketil Saebo's site for a nice photo of a leaf and spider. http://funandmagic.com/ . These photos work best if you have your wallpaper set on center, instead of tile, and a black background. You can do this by right clicking on a bare screen and choose Properties Background and then Appearance. Well, as for politics, I have found that MANY Conservative Republicans are NOT going to vote for Bush. I always knew CR's were smart. Many people in Texas don't feel he is good enough to be a Bush, and they refer to him as The Shrub, REALLY!. When you look at his background, being Governor is his only real experience, and he is more like an absentee landlord that lets big interests have their picnic. On the National level that could be a disaster. You know Big Biz is praying for him. I wish we all had better choices. Maybe someday.
"MEDICAL BOASTING"
An Israeli doctor said, "Medicine in my country is so advanced, we can take a kidney out of one person, put it in another, and have him looking for work in six weeks."
A German doctor said, "That's nothing! In Germany, we can take a lung out of one person, put it in another, and have him looking for work in four weeks."
A Russian doctor said, "In my country medicine is so advanced, we can take half a heart from one person, put it in another, and have them both looking for work in two weeks."
The American doctor, not to be outdone, said, "Ha! We are about to take an ass hole out of Texas, put him in the White House and half the country will be looking for work the next day."
-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=
-=-=-
Murphy's Laws Of Work
1. A pat on the back is only a few centimeters from a kick in the pants. 2. Don't be irreplaceable, if you can't be replaced, you can't be promoted. 3. The more crap you put up with, the more crap you are going to get. 4. You can go anywhere you want if you look serious and carry a clipboard. 5. Eat one live toad the first thing in the morning and nothing worse will happen to you the rest of the day. 6. Never ask two questions in a business letter. The reply will discuss the one you are least interested in, and say nothing about the other. 7. When the bosses talk about improving productivity, they are never talking about themselves. 8. If at first you don't succeed, try again. Then quit. No use being a damn fool about it. 9. There will always be beer cans rolling on the floor of your car when the boss asks for a ride home from the office. 10. Mother said there would be days like this, but she never said there would be so many.
11. Keep your boss's boss off your boss's back. 12. Everything can be filed under "miscellaneous." 13. Never delay the ending of a meeting or the beginning of a cocktail hour. 14. To err is human, to forgive is not company policy. 15. Anyone can do any amount of work provided it isn't the work he is supposed to be doing. 16. Important letters that contain no errors will develop errors in the mail. 17. The last person that quit or was fired will be the one held responsible for everything that goes wrong 18. Until the next person quits or is fired. 19. There is never enough time to do it right the first time, but there is always enough time to do it over. 20. The more pretentious a corporate name, the smaller the organization. (For instance, The Murphy Centre for Codification of Human and Organizational Law, contrasted to IBM, GM, AT&T...). 21. If you are good, you will be assigned all the work. If you are really good, you will get out of it.
-=--=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=
-=-
"Survivor"
Q: Why did "Survivor" become more popular than "Who Wants to be a Millionaire"?
A: Which would you rather watch: a beautiful woman in a bikini eating a rat, or some bozo telling Regis who's buried in Grant's tomb? Heard on a commentary on NPR)
-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=
-
"YOU ARE A CHILD OF THE 80'S IF:"
You know what "Sike" means. You know the profound meaning of "Wax on, Wax off". You know that another name for a keyboard is a "Synthesizer". You were only cool if you hung out at the Roller Rink and actually knew how to skate. You can sing the McDonald's Big Mack Filet-o-fish, quarter pounder, French Fry song while jump roping. You wore 3-8 different colored socks in layers and thought that the more you could wear the cooler you were. You know who Mr. T is. You actually believed for a minute that K.I.T. (The night rider) actually was real. You know who Fat Albert is. ((((( hey hey heyyyyyyy!!!!!!= ))))) You wore fluorescent, neon clothing. You could break dance, or wish you could. You wanted to be The Incredible Hulk for Halloween. You believed that "By the power of Greyskull, you HAD = the power!" Partying "like it's 1999" seemed SO far away. You thought that Transformers were more than meets the eye. You wanted to be on Star Search. You can remember Michael Jackson when he was black. You wore a banana clip at some point during your youth. You remember the garbage pail kids, and owned some. You knew what Willis was "talkin' 'bout." You HAD to have your MTV. You always wondered why Tootie always wore those skates. You actually thought "Dirty Dancing" was a REALLY good movie. You watched Purple Rain over and over again. Your all time favorite movie was Footloose and you actually thought that Kevin Bacon was HOT in it!!! You remember the episode of Good Times when Flo broke down after James'funeral. You remember when ATARI was a state of the art video = game system. You own any cassettes. You were led to believe that in the year 2000 we'd all be living on the moon. You remember and/or owned any of the Care Bear Glass collection from Pizza Hut or any other stupid collection they came out with. Poltergeist freaked you out. You carried your lunch to school in a Gremlins or an ET lunch box. You have pondered why Smurfette was the ONLY female smurf. You know what leg warmers are and probably had a pair. You wore biker shorts underneath a short skirt and felt stylish. You had a Swatch Watch with the Swatch Guard. You thought UTFOs "Roxanne, Roxanne" song was the bomb! You remember when Saturday Night Live was funny. You had Wonder Woman or Superman underoos. You know what a "Push Up" ice cream is. You had to come in the house when the street lights came on. If you can identify with at least half of this list then you, my friend, are a "Child of the 80's". Send this to anyone that would appreciate going back to this wonderful day.
--=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-
Two guys were picked up by the cops for smoking dope and appeared in court before the judge. The judge said, "You seem like nice young men, and I'd like to give you a second chance rather than jail time. I want you to go out this weekend and try to show others the evils of drug use and pursued them to give up drugs forever. I'll see you back in court Monday."
Monday, the two guys were in court, and the judge said to the first one, "How did you do over the weekend?"
"Well, your honor, I persuaded 17 people to give up drugs forever." "17 people? That's wonderful. What did you tell them?" "I used a diagram, your honor. I drew two circles like this: O o and told them this (the big circle) is your brain before drugs and this (small circle) is your brain after drugs."
"That's admirable," said the judge. "And you, how did you do?" (to the 2nd guy) "Well, your honor, I persuaded 156 people to give up drugs forever."
"156 people! That's amazing! How did you manage to do that!"
"Well, I used the same two circles. I pointed to the small circle and told them, 'This is your asshole before prison......' "
-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=
Interpretations of nature from junior high, high school, and college test papers and essays submitted to science and health teachers (spelling errors preserved).... "A fossil is an extinct animal. The older it is, the more extinct it is." "Germinate: To become a naturalized German." "Liter: A nest of young puppies." "Magnet: Something you find crawling all over a dead cat." "Momentum: What you give a person when they are going away." "Planet: A body of Earth surrounded by sky." "Rhubarb: A kind of celery gone bloodshot." "Vacumm: A large, empty space where the pope lives." "Before giving a blood transfusion, find out if the blood is affirmative or negative." "To remove dust from the eye, pull the eye down over the nose." "For a nosebleed: Put the nose much lower then the body until the heart stops." "For drowning: Climb on top of the person and move up and down to make artifical perspiration." "For fainting: Rub the person's chest or, if a lady, rub her arm above the hand instead. Or put the head between the knees of the nearest medical doctor." "For dog bite: put the dog away for sevral days. If he has not recovered, then kill it." "For asphyxiation: Apply artificial respiration until the patient is dead." "For head cold: use an agonizer to spray the nose untill it drops in your throat." "To keep milk from turning sour: Keep it in the cow."
-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=
-=-=
You Know You're A New Yorker When...
1. You say "the city" and expect everyone to know that this means Manhattan. Is there any other city in NY?
2. You have never been to the Statue of Liberty or the Empire State Building. Yes I have, So what if it was late in life?
3. You can get into a four-hour argument about "the best" way to get from Columbus Circle to battery Park at 3:30 on the Friday before a long weekend, but can't find Wisconsin on a map. Who cares where Wisconsin is.
4. Hookers and the homeless are invisible. Hookers, Homeless???
5. The subway makes sense. Of course it does.
6. The subway should never be called anything like the Metro. Got that right
7. You believe that being able to swear at people in their own language makes you multilingual.
8. Your door has more than three locks. Well, maybe.
9. The most frequently used part of your car is the horn.
10. You consider eye contact an act of overt aggression.
11. You call an 8-by-10-foot plot of patchy grass a yard. Even have a lawn mower.
12. You cried the day Ed Koch took over for Wapner. Not really.
13. You think Central Park is "nature." Why not, it's beautiful there.
14. You see nothing odd about the speed of an auctioneer's speaking. What speed?
15. You're paying $1,200 for a studio the size of a walk-in closet and you think it's a "steal." It's in a good neighborhood.
16. You've been to New Jersey twice and got hopelessly lost both times. No, I didn't Frank did.
17. You pay more each month to park your car than most people in the US pay in rent.
18. You haven't seen more than 12 stars in the night sky since you went away to camp as a kid.
19. You go to dinner at 9pm and head out to the clubs when most Americans are heading to bed. SO?
20. Your closet is filled with black clothes. SO? What's your point?
21. You haven't heard the sound of true absolute silence since 1977, and when you did it terrified you. That was scary.
22. You pay $5 without blinking for a beer that cost the bar 28 cents.
23. You take fashion seriously.
24. Being truly alone makes you nervous.
25. You have 27 different menus next to your telephone. Doesn't everyone?
26. Going to Brooklyn is considered a "road trip." Of Course, you only go there to visit.
27. America west of the Hudson is still theoretical to you.
28. You have jaywalking down to an art form. Your born with it.
29. You're suspicious of strangers who are actually nice to you.
30. You haven't cooked a meal since helping Mom last Thanksgiving.
31. You take a taxi to get to your health club to exercise.
32. Your idea of personal space is no one actually standing on your toes.
33. $50 worth of groceries fits in one paper bag.
34. You have a minimum of five "worst cab ride ever" stories. Actually I have a few more then that?
35. You don't hear sirens anymore.
36. You've mentally blocked out all thoughts of the city's air quality and what it's doing to your lungs.
37. You live in a building with a larger population than most American towns.
38. Your doorman is Russian, your grocer is Korean, your deli man is Israeli, your building super is Italian, your laundry guy is Chinese, your favorite bartender is Irish, your favorite diner owner is Greek, the watch-seller on your corner is Senegalese, your last cabbie was Pakistani, your newsstand guy is Indian, and your favorite falafel guy is Egyptian. So, what is your point?
-- Have a magic day and pass it on. Magic Mike http://funandmagic.com/ . The cleanest, cheapest water, 6 cents/gallon . 3 cents/minute calls, and cheapest phone cards http://ld.net/?phon4less . Be Paid 2 Surf, on you and others also http://funandmagic.com/paid2surf.html .
Subject: Blue Summer butterfly from Norway, ADD & ADHD links, George and Al, more jokes Date: Tue, 26 Sep 2000 14:21:31 -0700 From: "Magic Mike" <mmb To: "you" <mmb
Hi, Come to the site to see a extremely nice desktop photo of a blue butterfly in a field. Summer is short in Norway. Take a trip with me there by stopping at the Photo Page on my site. By the way, I updated the recipe page with 4 months backlog of daily recipes. Yum Yum. http://funandmagic.com/ Here are some sites to help people with Attention Deficiency Disorder and ADHD. Be sure to look at the herbal diets. http://www.newideas.net/adddiet.htm DIETS http://rainforest.parentsplace.com/dialog/get/f3add/17/4.html http://rainforest.parentsplace.com/dialog/get/f3add/17.html http://www.healthyplace.com/communities/add/simon/natrem.htm http://www.familyeducation.com/whatworks/item/nogroup-index/0,3002,1-9126,00.html http://www.adhdnews.com/ While looking up stuff about our candidates, I ran across this article by US NEWS and World Report. You might find it interesting. Hardly a liberal magazine, it paints a picture of the two candidates' characters that reinforces my belief the Gore is by far the better choice. Read "The Lost Years of George and Al - In the 1970's a confused Gore and a Wild Bush struggled to find a life" http://www.usnews.com/usnews/issue/991101/lost.htm Have a magic day and pass it on. Now for the jokes. Magic Mike http://funandmagic.com/
The applican't for life insurance was finding it difficult to fill out the application. The salesman asked what the trouble was, and the man said that he couldn't answer the question about the cause of death of his father.
The salesman wanted to know why. After some embarrassment the client explained that his father had been hanged.
The salesman pondered for a moment. "Just write: 'Father was taking part in a public function when the platform gave way.'"
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XYZ
One coach had spent the entire class period lecturing, going over the material, and asking questions. After the bell had rung, and the classroom cleared, one shy student approached the coach and told him his zipper was open.
Unabashed, the coach simply asked, "Why didn't you tell me XYZ?"
Confused, the student just shrugged.
Seeing the kid didn't get it, the coach finished, "Examine Your Zipper!"
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Fall in Love with Flower.com. Order from our CATALOG section before NOON in the time zone of the recipient for speedy same day delivery.
http://www.flower.com/index.tpl?partnerID=euGZmHjyjYs-gfowux8DXk8VCLV3UNDEOA
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30 years
What a difference 30 years makes!
1970 Long hair 2000 Longing for hair
1970 The perfect high 2000 The perfect high-yield mutual fund
1970 Acid rock 2000 Acid reflux
1970 Moving to California because it's cool 2000 Moving to California because it's hot
1970 Growing pot 2000 Growing pot belly
1970 Watching John Glenn's historic flight with our parents 2000 Watching John Glenn's historic flight with your children
1970 Trying to look like Marlon Brando or Elizabeth Taylor 2000 Trying NOT to look like Marlon Brando or Elizabeth Taylor
1970 Popping pills, smoking joints 2000 Popping joints
1970 Our president's struggle with Fidel 2000 Our president's struggle with fidelity
1970 Paar 2000 AARP
1970 Keg 2000 EKG
1970 Being caught with Hustler magazine 2000 Being caught with Hustler magazine
1970 Killer weed 2000 Weed killer
1970 Hoping for a BMW 2000 Hoping for a BM
1970 The Grateful Dead 2000 Dr. Kevorkian
1970 Getting out to a new, hip joint 2000 Getting a new hip joint
1970 Rolling Stones 2000 Kidney stones
1970 Being called into the principal's office 2000 Calling the principal's office
1970 Parents begging you to get your hair cut 2000 Children begging you to get their heads shaved
1970 Take acid 2000 Take antacid
1970 Passing the driver's test 2000 Passing the vision test
1970 "Whatever" 2000 "Depends"
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The blonde stormed up to the front desk of the library and said, "I have a complaint!"
"Yes, ma'am?"
"I borrowed a book last week and it was horrible!"
"What was wrong with it?"
"It had way too many characters and there was no plot whatsoever!"
The librarian nodded and said, "Ahh. So you must be the person who took our phone book."
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Order Meals Online Use Food.com to order takeout or delivery from a restaurant in your 'hood. It's easy, it's convenient, and it's literally at your fingertips!
http://www.food.com/food.sph/SaJSPEngine.class/OrderOnline/pHome.jsp?siteID=euGZmHjyjYs-ucXNdxTdwnicKx3%2FFkcjFA
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Fix it
A priest and a rabbi decided to pool their money and buy a car, since neither could afford one on his own. On the day of the purchase, they made an agreement at the Toyota dealership that the vehicle would not be more of one religion than of the other.
The priest was a very devout fellow, however, and the very first night, unaware of the rabbi spying on him through the keyhole, he snuck into the garage and sprinkled a little holy water on the hood.
The next night, very cautiously, the rabbi tiptoed into the garage. Hacksaw in hand, he proceeded to take four inches off the tailpipe.
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Headlines
"Infertility unlikely to be passed on" -- Montgomery Advertiser
"Teen-age girls often have babies fathered by men" -- The Sunday Oregonian
"Man shoots neighbor with machete" -- The Miami Herald
"Court Rules Boxer Shorts Are Indeed Underwear" -- Journal of Commerce
"Some phone psychics provide useless, erroneous information" -- StatenIsland Sunday Advance
"Iowa moves back to Pittsburgh" -- The Flint Journal
"Chick Accuses Some of Her Male Colleagues of Sexism": -- The Los Angeles Times
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-=--=
A new star is born in our Galaxy every 18 days. About 20 new stars are born each year. For comparison, there are 100,000 million stars in our galaxy.
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Sorry My Homework Isn't Done...."
A fifth-grader looked downcast, so her teacher asked, "What's the problem, Carol? I hope it's not homework again."
"Well, uh, yes, it is." replied Carol. "I was stupid and made my homework paper into a paper airplane."
"Carol, you're right, that wasn't a very bright thing to do," said the teacher, "but this once I'll let you just unfold the paper and hand it in."
"Oh, but that won't work," said Carol, looking even sadder. "You see, the plane was hijacked."
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"Trip to the Psychiatrist"
I went to a psychiatrist because I was having severe problems with my sex life. The psychiatrist asked me a lot of questions, but didn't seem to be getting a clear picture of my problems. Finally he asked, "Do you ever watch your girlfriend's face while you're having sex?" "Well, yes, I did once." "Well, how did she look?" "Oh boy,... she looked VERY angry!" At this point the psychiatrist felt that he was really getting somewhere and he said, "Well that's very interesting, we must look into this further. Now tell me, you say that you have only seen your girlfriend's face once during sex; that seems somewhat unusual; how did it occur that you saw her face that time?" "She was watching us through the window."
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On his first visit to the zoo, a little boy stared at the caged stork for a long time. He waved, jumped up and down, and stared at the stork a while longer.
Finally, turning to his father, he exclaimed, "Gee, Dad, he doesn't recognize me." -- Have a magic day and pass it on. Magic Mike http://funandmagic.com/ . The cleanest, cheapest water, 6 cents/gallon . 3 cents/minute calls, and cheapest phone cards http://ld.net/?phon4less . Be Paid 2 Surf, on you and others also http://funandmagic.com/paid2surf.html .
Subject: California Poppies and Sky, fresh never-heard-before jokes Date: Mon, 25 Sep 2000 01:27:14 -0700 From: "Magic Mike" <mmb Organization: http://funandmagic.com/ To: "you" <mmb
It's not enough to know how to ride you must also know how to fall. Mexican Proverb
Hi, Today's photo is California Poppies and Sky at the Antelope Valley Poppy Reserve http://funandmagic.com/photolinks2.htm . While doing some Internet searching on Bush I found the following sites. http://www.realchange.org/bushjr.htm http://www.georgebush2000.com/#insider
Here is something more fun:
Mr. Right
The Search for Mr. Right
(F = FANTASY, R = REALITY)
F: He'll lavish you with gifts for no particular reason. R: You've got him confused with Santa Claus, who's already married, anyway.
F: He'll be tall. R: He'll say he's five-foot-ten, although you'll tower over him at five-seven.
F: He'll look at no other women. R: He still thinks Sharon Stone, the swim-suit model in Sports Illustrated, and the young baby-sitter down the street all want to meet him.
F: You'll be in his every thought. R: He'll spend half his life obsessing about a receding hairline; the other half rehashing the latest game on ESPN.
F: He'll be witty. R: He'll still tell knock-knock jokes.
F: You'll share the same interests. R: He'll cancel a romantic evening with you for a tractor pull.
F: He always walk beside you, smother you with kisses, and give you unconditional love. R: Now you've got him confused with the dog!
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It seems that a lot of people are dieting recently, trying everything from an All-Carbohydrate, to an All-Protein mix. I have another suggestion, one which has worked through the ages -- the "Beer-Me"diet. Personally, I have a "liquid dinner" every time I go the Club on Friday night!
FACT: A light beer has between 70 and 100 calories, is almost all water, and the part that isn't water is almost pure carbohydrates.
FACT: The average diet recommends a daily caloric intake of 1200 calories for women, and 1500 for men if you want to lose the medically safe 2-3 pounds a week. On the "Beer-Me" diet, that equates to at least 12 beverages a day for women, and 15 for men. A measurable goal.
FACT: The alcohol in beer is a diuretic which causes the water to flush out almost immediately, leading to a consistent workout regiment including deep knee bends (getting out of the chair), fast walking (verygood for your heart) and squats (as the case may be).
FACT: Drinking beer actually helps you sleep - even when you aren't necessarily tired. All that added rest is certain to help any problems you may have experienced in sleep deprivation counting calories on those other fad diets. In addition, you may experience the random "how did I get here?" when you wake up, which always makes for lively conversation, and possibly additional exercise if you have to sneak out and run home.
FACT: The "Beer-Me" diet is good for your heart. After just one day of consuming your required 12-15 beers, you will certainly want to consume some aspirin, which is medically proven to help prevent heart attacks.
FACT: On the "Beer-Me" diet you can eat anything you want. The only rule is that you cannot consume any food until you have consumed at least half of the days required beers. This way the food will probably only stay in your body a short time, until you again exercise that deep-knee bends, quick walk, and this time, the "lean-over-and-hurl" stomach crunches.
FACT: Beer drinking is commonly done in bars, where other forms of exercise are common. Dancing for example is a good way to build-up a thirst, as is chasing members of the opposite sex. If you really want to maximize your workout, try actually walking up to the bar, versus using a waitress. To take this to the extreme, you could even get up and get someone else a beer - perhaps someone who is newer to the diet plan than yourself.
FACT: Beer is cheaper than "Jennie Craig." Based on these facts, lets run through a given scenario for diet implementation. CAUTION: This is a weekend diet plan, and should be attempted during the work week by only the staunchest of dieters.
MONDAY THROUGH THURSDAY: Eat junk food, and basically be a slob.
FRIDAY: Feeling "huge" swing by the liquor store and stock up. Go to favorite place of beer-drinking and begin the consumption process (remember 12 for women, 15 for men)
SATURDAY: Wake up (as required) and lounge around all day feeling slightly smaller after expunging any food that you may have accidentally consumed (particularly if it involved Beef Jerky from 7-11). Take aspirin. Notice that you have absolutely no interest in food anyway.
SATURDAY (p.m.): Restart cycle, noticing that your appetite has still not returned. Perhaps only meet half of your consumption goal due an on-going discussion with "the dog that bit you." This is a good thing, as only half-consumption means less than 1,000 calories for the day, and you still don't feel hungry.
SUNDAY (a.m.): Wake up for mandatory sports day. This is a very convenient diet during football season, but can be successfully implemented year-round. There is some professional sport being played every day of the year except the day before and the day after the Major League All-Star game (fact-look it up). Consumption on this day should be paced to cover the entire day - you don't want to peak too soon. Again you notice a lack of appetite, and are feeling thinner all the time. Don't forget the aspirin.
MONDAY: Return to work, feeling thinner, well rested, and surprisingly mellow. Mark your log book, and begin preparation for the upcoming weekend.
Happy dieting!!
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Key chains
You know how those novelty shops (Spencer's, et. al.), as if required by some obscure law, all carry those cutesy keychains with various sayings on them? Well, I happen to know that in your deepest innermost desire, you really wanted a list of those ever so witty sayings. So, without further ado...
-- I need more money, power, and less SHIT from you people.
-- We'll get along fine as soon as you realize I'm God.
-- Discourage inbreeding; ban country music.
-- Life is short. Don't be a dick.
-- Yoo hoo!! Here I am, at the bottom of your purse!
-- Starlight Starbright where the hell is Mr.Right
-- To some its a six-pack, to me it's a support Group
-- I majored in liberal arts, would you like fries w/that.
-- I majored in philosophy, would you like fries w/that.
-- I want my man to have a VCR: Very Cute Rear
-- I have PMS and a gun. Did you have something to say?
-- I'm 17. Give me your credit cards, give me your keys and get out of my way.
-- I haven't found Mr Right but i have found Mr Cheap, Mr SLeazy and Mr Wrong
-- You're just jealous cause the voices talk to me.
-- It's Miss Bitch to you.
-- Lost your cat? Look under my tires.
-- How do you keep an idiot amused? Turn over. . . (on both sides of keychain)
-- I suffer from PMS... Putting up with Men's Shit
-- I am so good in bed that when i have sex even the neighbors need a cigarette.
-- If you're rich, I'm single.
-- Men suffer from PMS too... Pretending to be Macho Studs
-- If you shower in your clothes, it shows you're crazy. If you shower nude, it show's your nuts!!!
-- I'm immature, unorganized, irresponsible, lazy, and LOUD... but I'm FUN.
-- If you don't like my driving, then get off the sidewalk!
-- If it has tires or testicles, it's gonna piss you off. - or - If it has tires or tits, it's gonna piss you off.
-- Behind every great man is a great woman, and behind every great woman is some guy staring at her ass!
-- Bury me upside down so the world can kiss my ass
-- Birthdays only come once a year... aren't you gald you're not a birthday?
-- Give me a quarter or I'll touch you!
-- To some it's half empty, To some it's half full. To me it's time for a beer run!
-- (Written in really tiny writing) Nosey little fucker, aren't you?
-- I am so broke, I can't even pay attention.
-- I am not a BITCH... I am *the* BITCH.
-- I was put on this planet to make your life miserable.
-- I'm in touch with my inner bitch.
-- I am trying to graduate college with a 4.0 (blood alcohol level).
-- I do what the voices in my head tell me.
-- Looking for Mr. Right *crossed out* Mr. Wonderful *crossed out* Mr. Coffee!
-- Heartbreaker, looking for next victim.
-- In God we trust. All others we monitor.
-- That dress just screams Crack Whore.
-- Not all women are annoying... some are dead.
-- The nuns made me dress this way.
-- You! Out of the gene pool!
-- You must be this tall to ride this ride.
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"Signs of Menopause"
1. You sell your home heating system at a yard sale. (Hot flashes)
2. Your husband jokes that instead of buying a wood stove, he is using you to heat the family room this winter. Rather than just saying you are not amused, you shoot him. (Mood swings)
3. You write post-it notes with your kids' names on them. (Memory loss)
4. Your husband chirps, "Hi honey, I'm home." and your reply, "Well, if it isn't Ozzie f---ing Nelson." (Irritability)
5. The Phenobarbital dose that wiped out the Heaven's Gate Cult gives you four hours of decent rest. (Sleeplessness)
6. You find guacamole in your hair after a Mexican dinner. (Fatigue)
7. You change your underwear after every sneeze. (Mild incontinence)
8. You need Jaws Of Life to help you out of your car after returning home from an Italian restaurant. (Sudden weight gain)
9. You take a sudden interest in "Wrestlemania." (Female hormone deficiency)
10. You're on so much estrogen that you take your Brownie troop on a field trip to Chippendales. (Hormone therapy)
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Some tourists in the Chicago Museum of Natural History are marveling at the dinosaur bones. One of them asks the guard, "Can you tell me how old the dinosaur bones are?"
The guard replies, "They are 3 million, four years, and six months old."
"That's an awfully exact number," says the tourist. "How do you know their age so precisely?"
The guard answers, "Well, the dinosaur bones were three million years old when I started working here, and that was four and a half years ago."
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Differences
What's the difference between a nail, a screw and a bolt ?" the shop teacher asked Judy, the only girl in the shop class during the first day of school.
Judy pondered the question for a moment, then replied,
"Well, I can't rightly say as I know, 'cause I ain't never been 'bolted'."
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A judge in Louisville decided a jury went "a little bit too far" in recommending a sentence of 5,005 years for a man who was convicted of five robberies and a kidnapping. The judge reduced the sentence to 1,001 years.
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"FATAL THINGS TO SAY IF YOUR WIFE IS PREGNANT"
I finished the Oreo's. Not to imply anything, but I don't think the kid weighs 40 pounds. Y'know, looking at her, you'd never guess that Pamela Lee had a baby! I sure hope your thighs aren't gonna stay that flabby forever! Well, couldn't they induce labor? The 25th is the Super Bowl. Darned if you ain't about five pounds away from a surprise visit from that Richard Simmons fella. Fred at the office passed a stone the size of a pea. Boy, that's gotta hurt. Whoa! For a minute there, I thought I woke up next to Willard Scott! I'm jealous! Why can't men experience the joy of childbirth? Are your ankles supposed to look like that? Get your *own* ice cream. Geez, you're awfully puffy looking today. Got milk ? Maybe we should name the baby after my secretary, Tawney? Man! That rose tattoo on your hip is the size of Madagascar! Retaining water? Yeah, like the Hoover Dam retains water... Your stomach sticks out almost as much as your ass! You don't have the guts to pull that trigger...
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"Things to Do of the Returning "Survivors"
15 Show the judge your immunity idol and tell him to shove his fugitive warrant. 14 Borrow neighbor's weedwhacker; cut underarm hair. 13 Get together with Ann Heche and drown your sorrows. 12 Write up my experiences as a pilot for a TV sitcom about a diverse group of morons stranded on a tropical island. 11 Now that all those pesky cameras are gone -- masturbation marathon! 10 Shower, shave, and do enough drugs until the image of Rich's naked body is no longer imprinted on your retinas. 9 Rejoin the vigil for Elian outside Marisleysis's house. 8 Week 1: File lawsuit against producers claiming that you didn't know how much the media would invade your privacy.
Week 2: Appear on talk shows saying you knew it was a mistake as soon as you arrived.
Week 3: Sign contract for seven-figure nude photo shoot. 7 One-man cabaret act -- "Over the Rainbow: Rudy *IS* Judy!" 6 Come up with a couple dozen witty pickup lines involving the phrase "Tribal Council." 5 Re-schedule that postponed dinner appointment with Walter Matthau. 4 A quick visit to KFC for some *properly-cooked* rat. 3 Form an alliance with Pete in Accounting and Brenda in Marketing to try and capture all of the jelly donuts in the break room before 9:00. 2 "Lather, rinse, repeat" without having to use your own urine for the second rinse.
and Topfive.com's Number 1 Item on the To-Do Lists of the Returning "Survivors"...
1 Set the alarm clock for 15 minutes and PAR-TY!
---- Have a magic day and pass it on. Magic Mike http://funandmagic.com/Subject: A great sprial galaxy, Planet Proctor Orbit Date: Fri, 22 Sep 2000 12:19:25 -0700 From: "Magic Mike" <mmb Organization: http://funandmagic.com/ To: "you" <mmb
Hi, Here is a real nice desktop photo, Photo of The Day is now 4 years old. http://funandmagic.com/photolinks2.htm . I hope you are saving and enjoying these wonderful photos with the Slideshows on my Free Helpful Utilities Page, http://funandmagic.com/FreeHelpfulUtilities.htm .
My friend Phil Proctor, from The Firesign Theater sends his Planet Orbit today. As you know, Phil and many people in the performing industry are being victimized by greedy advertising agencies, and have been on a long bitter strike that has lasted months. These are not the high paid actors. These are middle income, struggling people. So, try not to watch any ads, and don't buy anything! And especially, don't do any commercials if anyone asks!
=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-= Amanda writes ....... Dear Friends,
SAG and AFTRA are negotiating with advertisers right now as you are reading this! You can help! Go to this page and simply click! http://www.aflcio.org/voiceatwork/sagaftra_action.htm You will be sending messages to the CEO's of Procter & Gamble, AT&T and General Motors -- telling them that you support middle-class actors in their current fight to keep their wages from being rolled back and to keep a fair contract. Please help us end the 20 week long Strike that the unions of SAG & AFTRA are currently engaged in. Big business is trying to bust our union & prevent the working class actor from making a living, discontinue health & pension plans, & deregulate standards of working conditions. Until now, they have refused to negotiate with our team & demanded a strike by offering more than a 50% pay cut after years of record earnings. Right now it's our union. Next could be the union of you or your friends. Help us let big corporations in this country know that we deserve & demand a fair wage for our work that makes them billions in profit every year.
Thanks for your help.
best, Amanda
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Sydney Olympics
Here are some of the classic questions that were asked of the Sydney Olympic Committee via their Web site, with answers supplied where appropriate.
Q: Does it ever get windy in Australia? I have never seen it rain on TV, so how do the plants grow? (UK) A: Upwards, out of the ground, like the person who asked this question, who themselves will need watering if their IQ drops any lower...
Q: Will I be able to see kangaroos in the street? (USA) A: Depends on how much beer you've consumed...
Q: Which direction should I drive - Perth to Darwin or Darwin to Perth - to avoid driving with the sun in my eyes? (Germany) A: Excellent question, considering that the Olympics are being held in Sydney.
Q: I want to walk from Perth to Sydney - can I follow the railroad tracks? (Sweden) A: Sure, it's only three thousand miles, so you'll need to have started about a year ago to get there in time for this October...
Q: Is it safe to run around in the bushes in Australia? (Sweden) A: And accomplish what?
Q: Where can I learn underwater welding in Australia? (Portugal) A: Underwater.
Q: Can I bring cutlery into Australia? (UK) A: Why bother? Use your fingers like the rest of us...
Q: Do you have perfume in Australia? (France) A: No. Everybody stinks. Just like France
Q: Can I wear high heels in Australia? (UK) A: This HAS to have been asked by a blonde...
Q: Can you tell me the regions in Tasmania where the female population is smaller than the male population? (Italy) A: Yes. Gay nightclubs.
Q: Do you celebrate Christmas in Australia? (France) A: Yes. At Christmas.
Q: Can you give me some information about hippo racing in Australia? (USA) (What's this guy smoking, and where do I get some?)
Q: Are there supermarkets in Sydney and is milk available all year round? (Germany) (Another blonde?)
Q: Please send a list of all doctors in Australia who can dispense rattlesnake serum. (USA) A: I love this one...there are no rattlesnakes in Australia. But we have 9 of the 10 most deadly snakes in the world.
Q: Which direction is North in Australia? (USA) A: Face North and you should be about right.
Q: Can you send me the Vienna Boys' Choir schedule? (USA) (Americans have long had considerable trouble distinguishing between Austria and Australia.)
Q: Are there places in Australia where you can make love outdoors? (Italy) A: Yes. Outdoors.
Q: Will I be able to "speek" English most places I go? (USA) A: Yes, but you'll have to learn it first.
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During a friendly argument, my husband asked me why I married him in the first place.
"I was just stupid," I teased.
When he said he was happy to hear that, I requested an explanation.
"People get divorced all the time because they fall out of love," he said. "But I've never heard of anybody falling out of stupid."
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Snappy Things To Say To Co-Workers
Obviously you're unable to assimilate my stimulating concepts into your blighted and retarded world-view. I don't know what your problem is, but I'll bet it's hard to pronounce. Any connection between your reality and mine is purely coincidental. I can see your point, but I still think you're full of it. I like you. You remind me of me when I was young and stupid. What am I? Flypaper for freaks!? I'm not being rude. You're just insignifican't. I'll give you a nice, shiny quarter if you'll go away. I'm already visualizing the duct tape over your mouth. I will always cherish the initial misconceptions I had about you. It's a thankless job, but I've got a lot of Karma to burn off. Yes, I am an agent of Satan, but my duties are largely ceremonial. How about never? Is never good for you? I'm really easy to get along with once you people learn to worship me. You sound reasonable...Time to up my medication You're just jealous because the little voices talk to ME. I'll try being nicer if you'll try being smarter. I'm out of my mind, but feel free to leave a message... I don't work here. I'm a consultant. Who me? I just wander from room to room.
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RECOVERY PROGRAM FOR INTERNET ADDICTS
I will have a cup of coffee in the morning and read my newspaper like I used to, before the Internet.
I will eat breakfast with a knife and fork and not with one hand while typing.
I will get dressed before noon....if I'm out of bed by then.
I will make an attempt to clean the house, wash clothes and plan dinner before even thinking of the Internet.
I will sit down and write a letter to those unfortunate few friends and family that are Internet-deprived.
I will call someone on the phone whom I cannot contact via the Internet.
I will listen to those around me and their needs and stop telling them to turn the TV down so I can hear the music on the Internet.
I will not be tempted during TV commercials to check my e-mail.
I will try and get out of the house at least once a week, whether it's necessary or not.
I will remember that my brick & mortar bank is not forgiving and that it usually takes 4 Days for my PayPal electronic transfer to register as a deposit to my checking account.
Last, but not least, I will remember that I must go to bed sometime and the Internet will always be there tomorrow!
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Subject: PP 2000/22 Date: Wed, 20 Sep 2000 15:08:02 -0400 From: "phil proctor" <PProctor@compuserve.com To: "3" <pproctor@compuserve.com
(((((((((((((((((( PLANET PROCTOR 2000/22 - http://www.planetproctor.com
"I don't like this reality television, I have to be honest. I think real people should not be on television. It's for special people like us; people who have trained and studied to appear to be real." - Emmies M.C. Garry Shandling.
REAL NEWS My 22-year-old daughter Kristin just finished a week on her first movie in NY, Penny Marshall's "Riding Around in Cars With Boys" starring Drew Barrymore and Steve Zahn, playing a snooty socialite with teased hair and a bandage from a nose job. She's presently in rehearsal for a show at the Here Space in Soho, playing "a female Adonis" in director Tim O'Leary's adaptation of Shakespeare's poem "Venus and Adonis." It's a short run, from Oct. 10 - 26. You go, girl! And Melinda and I are off Thursday for 18 days in Ireland and the U.K., so please - hold the email! Save your contributions, petitions, strike news, great business opportunities and virus warnings until we return on October 11th! Thanks.
"The John Achorn Diet: Fly to the Philippines, eat a clam off of a vendor's street cart in Manila, throw up for fourteen days. You'll lose 30 to 35 pounds." - Ron House
THE PROFESSOR LIVES! Prof. Irwin Corey, M. S. (Master of Surreality) is, according to Avery Schreiber, "still alive and shticking. At Square East in New York he was opening for Second City one night when he stopped in the middle of a routine and very apologetically addressed an elderly threesome..."Excuse me ladies --'Macbet' is tomorrer night." And if you ask him any question starting with the word "Why", such as "Why do you wear tennis shoes?" - he still answers: "That is a two-part question. 'Why' is a mystery that eluded the ancients; and there were some pretty bright guys among dose. They struggled with 'why' for centuries and never got it straight...so how can I, a man who makes a living in smoke-filled nightclubs, even attempt to answer that question? Now -- do I wear tennis shoes? Yes."
"We have enough equipment in this place...to put a man on the moon, and it's all being used to cover a Jew in birdshit." - Barry Levinson directing Mel Brooks in "High Anxiety", from Canada Cat.
WHERE'S MY GUN? Got my copy of the latest Cabela's Hunting Catalogue and found some exceptional bargains for the well-armed Outdoor Sportsman! Texas Rag, Robo Duck and Goose Decoys with optional Decoy Hearts and Quiver Magnets -- "To add ripples to your spread." Smart Sticks, Goose Noose Magnums and Flying Decoys with Solid Brass Snap Swivels and Gang Rigs. Or to keep it all together, a Final Approach Floating Decoy designed to match your Floating Coffin or Gooseview Laydown Blind. Or, for extra comfort, settle into a Swamp Seat or the spacious shell of a Man-sized Goose Chair -- which is a decoy AND a blind, and comes with an optional Goose or Snow Skirt. (See page 508) Then, use your Big Guy Widow Maker -- "a call designed for the serious greenhead hunter who makes widows out of mallard hens!", or a Canadian Honker Flute -- "Ideal for rapid sitdown calls!" And apres kill you'll be happy you've got that Eight-loop Game Strap and a Deluxe Automatic Duck Naked Plucker with Rubber Fingers. But -- if "slings and arrows of outrageous fortune" are more your style, select from their line of Muzzy Broadheads, Bloodtrailers or Screw-in Field Points with a Mongoose release, Bohning Vanes, or Super Crank Cocking devices; and pack 'em up in your Maverick Fleece, Rancho Safari Cat Quiver, Doinker Hunter or Golden Key Tranquilizer "with modern limb-saving technology!" And if you order now, they'll throw in a pair of Field-tested Waterproof Dog Boots (your canine's choice) at a small extra cost. Call 1-800-237-4444 to get your catalogue today!
"It used to be, it's the guys in a different uniform. I shoot him before he shoots me. Now, it might be an old lady with a car bomb." - Staff Sgt. David Baron, L.A. Times
OLD BALL AND CHAIN This chain letter was started in hopes of bringing relief to other tired and discouraged men. Unlike most chain letters, this one does not cost anything. Just send a copy of this letter to five of your friends who are equally tired and discontented. Then bundle up your wife or girlfriend, send her to the man whose name appears at the top of the following list and add your name to the bottom of the list. When your turn comes, you will receive 15,625 women. One of them is bound to be better than the one you already have. At the writing of this letter, a friend of mine had already received 184 women, of whom 4 were worth keeping. REMEMBER this chain brings luck. One man's pit bull died, and the next day he received a Playboy swimsuit model. An unmarried Jewish man living with his widowed mother was able to choose between a Hooters waitress and a Hollywood supermodel. You can be lucky too, but DO NOT BREAK THE CHAIN! One man broke the chain, and got his own wife back again. (Thanks to Dan Sevush) Bill Clinton W. J. Clinton William Clinton W. Jefferson Clinton William J. Clinton
"Future historians will be able to study at the Jimmy Carter Library, the Gerald Ford Library, the Ronald Reagan Library, and the Bill Clinton Adult Bookstore." - From Patty Paul
QUAYLE LITE After reading this speech (inspired by a list of real quotes compiled by Jacob Weisberg for "Slate") you have to wonder if George Sr. chose Dan Quayle as a running mate because he reminded him so much of his son... "I have a different vision of leadership. A leadership is someone who brings people together. I think he needs to stand up and say if he thought the president were wrong on policy and issues, he ought to say where. I've changed my style somewhat, as you know. I think we agree, the past is over. I hope we get to the bottom of the answer. It's what I'm interested to know. I'm less -- I pontificate less, although it may be hard to tell it... And I'm more interacting with people. I don't know whether I'm going to win or not. I think I am. I do know I'm ready for the job. And, if not, that's just the way it goes. The important question is, How many hands have I shaked? People make suggestions on what to say all the time. I'll give you an example; I don't read what's handed to me. People say, 'Here, here's your speech, or here's an idea for a speech.' It's evolutionary, going from governor to president, and this is a significan't step, to be able to vote for yourself on the ballot, and I'll be able to do so next fall, I hope. Actually, I -- this may sound a little West Texan to you, but I like it. When I'm talking about -- when I'm talking about myself, and when he's talking about myself, all of us are talking about me. And I'm very gracious and humbled -- I understand reality. If you're asking me as the president, would I understand reality, I do. I think anybody who doesn't think I'm smart enough to handle the job is underestimating."
"Elmer Fudd was mistakenly identified as Porky Pig in a photo on Page 6a last week" - From the New Yorker, thanks to Herb and Barbara Blitzstein
WELL BREAD My wife was buying groceries at the Giant supermarket shortly after Al Gore chose Joe Lieberman as his running mate. It was a Friday, and as the checkout lady bagged my wife's groceries, she was left at the end with two breads - one a Sabbath challah and the other a Roman Meal sandwich loaf. The checkout lady picked up the two breads, put them in a bag together, looked at my wife with a little smile and said: "I think the Roman Meal and challah can go together, don't you?" (Thomas L. Friedman, NY Times)
"Bigger balls to serve up more excitement for tennis fans" - The Daily Telegraph from our man in London, Larry Belling.
WINGING IT Doctors were told to contribute to the construction of a new wing at a hospital. The allergists voted to scratch it. The dermatologists preferred no rash moves. The gastroenterologists had a gut feeling about it. The neurologists thought the administration had a lot of nerve. The obstetricians stated they were laboring under a misconception. The ophthalmologists considered the idea short-sighted. The orthopedists issued a joint resolution. The pathologists yelled, "over my dead body!" The radiologists could see right through it. The pediatricians said, "Grow up." The proctologists said, "We are in arrears." The internists thought it was a hard pill to swallow. The urologists felt the scheme wouldn't hold water. The cardiologists didn't have the heart to say no. The nose & throat doctors said not one scent more. And the one lone chiropractor said, "Don't worry. We'll all make adjustments." The plastic surgeons said, "This puts a whole new face on the matter." The podiatrists thought it was a big step forward. The psychiatrists thought it was madness. The surgeons decided to wash their hands of the whole thing...
"When I read in the paper that they were calling me a serial killer, I didn't know what the word meant. I kept picturing myself stabbing a box of Cheerios, because I like Cheerios" - Dr. John's psycopathic quote of the week. SEXUAL SECURITY Nina and Liz are having a conversation during there lunch break. Nina asks, "So, Liz, how's your sex life these days?" Liz replies, "Oh, you know. It's the usual, Social Security kind." "Social Security?" Nina asked quizzically. "Yeah, you get a little each month, but it's not enough to live on."
"I'm not offended by all the dumb blonde jokes because I know I'm not dumb...and I also know that I'm not a blonde." - Dolly Parton
CURSE OF THE COMMERCIAL STRIKE Mark Kleiman informs us that a 1,000-pound crane being used to help film a Peruvian beer commercial at the Inca ruins of Machu Picchu by U.S. ad agency J. Walter Thompson, toppled over and chipped off the edge of an ancient stone sundial. The Intihuatana sundial (which means "All scabs die") is a granite block carved into the mountain peak about 310 miles southeast of the capital, Lima. Meanwhile, while talks in NY continue, several angry actors took out their frustration by draping a 50-foot "NO SCABS" banner over the second letter of the Hollywood sign. The activists declared in The Hollywood Reporter that their action was designed "to condemn union and nonunion scabs who undermine and endanger the fair pay, conditions and benefits the guilds' members have struggled for 70 years to gain and retain." By the way, my friend (Robert) David Hall is running for the SAG board of directors. He's been an actor and voiceover guy for 20 years, and when I first met him, he was a "Smurf"! He feels strongly that we need more representation from working actors, that we should have a lobbying group in Sacramento and D.C. and that we need "to examine the balance between partnership and adversarial conflict with the people who employ us." He claims further that he will "try to live up to the standards set by George Tirebiter so many years ago." You go, guy!
"Don't squeeze the actor! It may be toilet paper to you, but it's bread and butter to me." - Actor Dick "Mr. Whipple" Wilson at the AFTRA/SAG "March for Victory" rally in Hancock Park
A NAME BY ANY OTHER NAME In Sydney, 120 men named Henry attacked each other during a "My Name is Henry" convention. Henry Pantie of Canberra accused Henry Pap of Sydney of not being a Henry at all, but in fact an Angus. "It was a lie." explained Mr Pap, "I'm a Henry and always will be.", whereupon Henry Pap attacked Henry Pantie, whilst two other Henrys - Jones and Dyer - attempted to pull them apart. Several more Henrys - Smith, Calderwood and Andrews - became involved and soon the entire convention descended into a giant fist fight. The brawl was eventually broken up by riot police, led by a man named Shane." (From The Scottish Big Issue thanks to John Achorn)
"This table matured wine is popular almond strong extractive drink lovers." - Label copy on Armenian Byurakan dessert wine
Erin Go Braugh!
+++++++++++(SEPTEMBER 20, 2000)++++++++++ * FIRESIGN SITE: www.firesigntheatre.com * FIRESIGN PRODUCT: www.lodestone-media.com * FUNNY TIMES: www.funnytimes.com * PLANET PROCTOR: http://www.planetproctor.com
PLANET PROCTOR (C) 2000 by Phil Proctor
-- Have a magic day and pass it on. Magic Mike http://funandmagic.com/Subject: Omega Star Factory, Texan No Brainers Date: Tue, 19 Sep 2000 11:34:08 -0700 From: "Magic Mike" <mmb Organization: http://funandmagic.com/ To: "you" <mmb
Arachibutyrophobia is fear of peanut butter sticking to the roof of your mouth.
Hi, This is a new photo of the Omega Star Factory in M17 http://funandmagic.com/photolinks2.htm . Save each day's photos in one folder and use the free slideshow programs I have for you to see them all, they are so wonderful. Fall in Love with Flower.com. Order from our CATALOG section before NOON in the time zone of the recipient for speedy same day delivery. http://www.flower.com/index.tpl?partnerID=euGZmHjyjYs-gfowux8DXk8VCLV3UNDEOA
I'M SURE I'M going to vote for a guy from Texas. They grow 'em real smart thar.
A Texan convicted of robbery worked out a deal to pay $9600 in damages rather than serve a two-year prison sentence. For payment, he provided the court a forged check. He got his prison term back, plus eight more years.
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Louis XIV. To appease a jealous mistress, the king asked his artisans to cast a mold from one of her breasts and produce glasses in its exact shape so he could always sip champagne from her bosom. We have the king to thank for the modern champagne glass.
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Two women were at a bar. One looked at the other and said,
"You know, 80 percent of all men think the best way to end a fight is to make love."
"Well," said the other woman, " that will certainly revolutionize the game of hockey!"
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If Romeo lived in the year 2000
Dearest Ms. Juliet, I am very happy to inform you that I have fallen in love with you since the 14th of October (Sunday). With reference to the meeting held between us on the 13th of Oct at 1500 hrs, I would like to present myself as a prospective lover. Our love affair would be on probation for a period of three months and depending on compatibility, would be made permanent.
Of course, upon completion of probation, there will be continuous on the job training and performance appraisal schemes leading up to promotion from lover to spouse. The expenses incurred for coffee and entertainment would initially be shared equally between us. Later, based on your performance, I might take up a larger share of the expenses. However I am broadminded enough to be taken care of, on your expense account.
I request you to kindly respond within 30 days of receiving this letter, failing which, this offer would be cancelled without further notice and I shall be considering someone else.
I would be happy, if you could forward this letter to your sister, if you do not wish to take up this offer.
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When some doctors were told to contribute to the construction of a new wing at a hospital, the allergists voted to scratch it; the dermatologists preferred no rash moves; the gastroenterologists had a gut feeling about it; the microsurgeons were thinking along the same vein; the neurologists thought the administration "had a lot of nerve"; the obstetricians stated they were laboring under a misconception; the ophthalmologists considered the idea short-sighted; the orthopaedists issued a joint resolution; the parasitologists said,
"Well, if you encyst"; the pathologists yelled, "Over my dead body!"; the pediatricians said, "Grow up!"; the proctologists said, "We are in arrears"; the psychiatrists thought it was madness; and finally, the surgeons decided to wash their hands of the whole thing. The radiologists could see right through it; the internists thought it was a hard pill to swallow; the plastic surgeons said, "This puts a whole new face on the matter";
the podiatrists thought it was a big step forward; the physiotherapists thought they were being manipulated; the urologists felt the scheme wouldn't hold water; the anaesthesiologists thought the whole idea was a gas; the cardiologists didn't have the heart to say no; and the otologists were deaf to the idea.
Needless to say, the idea of contributing to a new wing didn't fly!
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During a performance for the high school drama class at the local theater, a hole was cracked in the stage floor. Subsequent acts managed to avoid the damaged area until little Freddy, juggling bowling pins, accidentally stepped through the hole up to his knee.
He apologized to the audience for his clumsiness. But a heckler in the back of the theater shouted:
"Don't worry, Freddy! It's just a stage you're going through!"
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Order Meals Online Use Food.com to order takeout or delivery from a restaurant in your 'hood. It's easy, it's convenient, and it's literally at your fingertips!
http://www.food.com/food.sph/SaJSPEngine.class/OrderOnline/pHome.jsp?siteID=euGZmHjyjYs-ucXNdxTdwnicKx3%2FFkcjFA
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Wishes
Three guys are walking through the woods and they find a genie sitting by a cliff.
The genie says "I will grant you each one wish, all you have to do is say what you want and jump off the cliff".
The first guy goes to the edge, yells "Money" and jumps off, he lands in a huge pile of money.
The second guy gets up and yells "Women", he lands among hundreds of women.
The third guy, who is pretty excited now, gets to the edge of the cliff, trips and yells, " Shiiiiiiiiittttttt!!!!"
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Success is like dealing with your kid or teaching your wife to drive. Sooner or later you'll end up in the police station. - Fred Allen
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No excitement
Gallagher just had a heart transplant and was getting instructions from his doctor. He was placed on a strict diet, denied tobacco and alcohol, and advised to get at least eight hours sleep a night.
"What about my sex life?" asked Gallagher. "Will it be all right for me to have intercourse?"
"Only with your wife, said the doctor. We don't want you to get too excited."
-- Have a magic day and pass it on. Magic Mike http://funandmagic.com/Subject: Mono Lake, months of new recipes Date: Sun, 17 Sep 2000 08:57:06 -0700 From: "Magic Mike" <mmb Organization: http://funandmagic.com/ To: "you" <mmb
Hi, The image today is of the shores of Mono Lake taken in late afternoon light. http://funandmagic.com/photolinks2.htm . I finally caught up with a backlog of months of recipes. There are so many recipes, you are SURE to find something good. Use the FIND function of your browser to search for any recipe or ingredient. http://funandmagic.com/recipes.html . I want to remind you again that most people see their phone bills cut in HALF at Phon4less. Also I have a great deal on pagers. Get a free pager and pay $99 for the year. http://ld.net/?phon4less .
MELVIN DURAI'S HUMOR COLUMN
"SHORTER NAMES COULD BENEFIT RUNNING MATES"
Presidential candidates George W. Bush and Al Gore have selected their running mates and -- big surprise -- both are white men. Even in this land of diversity, it takes guts to pick a woman and a lot more guts to pick a non-white. You'd have better luck picking someone from New Jersey. Except, of course, the governor. Not only has Gov. Christine Todd Whitman been pictured frisking an African-American man, her vice presidential prospects were effectively ruined when it was recently confirmed, after a six-month investigation by the Republican Party, that she's a woman. It's amazing what you can learn from DNA.
At least Gore, to his credit, went outside traditional circles for his running mate. By picking Sen. Joseph Lieberman, an Orthodox Jew, for such an important position, Gore hopes to distance himself from Bill Clinton, who himself once picked a Jew for an important position -- pet intern. But unlike Lieberman, Monica Lewinsky -- as we all know -- was quite unorthodox. She worked on the Sabbath. Overtime.
Lieberman, one of the most respected members of Congress, tries to observe the Jewish Sabbath, between sundown Friday and sundown Saturday. He works only when necessary and avoids using cars. For at least one day, he acts like a lazy Amish man.
The Jewish community is naturally excited about Gore's choice and so am I. I wish Lieberman were running for president, not vice president. He's not only eminently qualified, he has a great sense of humor. Why else would he want to run with Gore? To make Yom Kippur a national holiday?
Of course, to be elected, Lieberman may need to shorten his name. The United States hasn't elected a president or vice president with three syllables in his name since Sean Connery had hair. Americans like presidents with short names such as Gore, Bush, and Clinton. If you're a Ferraro or Dukakis, you'd improve your chances of being elected, quite significan'tly, by changing your name to something shorter such as Dummy or Ninny. Think of the great headlines: "Dummy predicts Middle East peace accord" and "Ninny denies affair with intern."
Lieberman ought to drop the "man" at the end of his name. We know he's a man. If he weren't a man, Gore wouldn't have picked him. Besides, nobody would vote for a Goreman -- and certainly not a Bushman.
Lieberman should also drop the "lie" at the beginning of his name. He's a politician -- we know he's going to lie.
He'd be wise to just go with the name "Ber." Most Americans would be excited to vote for the Gore-Ber ticket. Winning slogan: "Vote for Gore-Ber, not the goober."
Likewise, Bush's running mate, Dick Cheney, would gain a lot from shortening his name. As Dick Chen, he's guaranteed to get most of the Asian vote. Especially if he claims to be related to CNN's Joie Chen. Asians would be so captivated with the potential vice president's last name, they'd forget all about his first.
It's been more than 25 years since Richard Nixon resigned. Bush obviously thinks America is ready for another Dick. Nixon was known as Tricky Dick. Cheney, who had trouble finding a good running mate for Bush, besides himself, could be known as Picky Dick.
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--------- Melvin Durai is a Shippensburg, Pa.-based writer and humorist. A native of India, he grew up in Zambia and moved to the U.S. in the early 1980s.
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Diary
Diary Entries of a Young Woman on a cruise ship
MONDAY: What a wonderful cruise this is going to be! I felt singularly honored this evening. The Captain asked me to dine at his table.
TUESDAY: I spent the entire afternoon on the bridge with the Captain.
WEDNESDAY: The Captain made proposals to me unbecoming an officer and a gentleman.
THURSDAY: Tonight the Captain threatened to sink the ship if I do not give in to his indecent proposals!
FRIDAY: This afternoon I saved 1600 lives.
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Precaution
"I must take every precaution not to get pregnant," said Edna to Priscilla.
"But I thought you said your hubby had a vasectomy," Priscilla responded.
"He did. That's why I have to take every precaution."
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Sometimes, during a booze-filled weekend, I get to feeling kinda ashamed about all the beer I drink.
Then I look deeply into my glass and I start thinking about the workers in the brewery, and about all their hopes and dreams.
"If I didn't drink this beer," I think, "those poor people might be out of work, and all their dreams would be shattered."
So I say to myself, "It is better that I drink this beer and let their dreams come true than to selfishly sit here and worry about my liver."
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A cynic is someone who knows the price of everything and the value of nothing. -=-=-=-=-=-=-=--=-=-=-=-=-=-
True story
This is a joke told by Dave Allen on one of his shows (British program 'Dave Allen at Large').
A drunk leaves a bar and decides to take a shortcut through a graveyard. It is raining heavily and very dark. The drunk fails to see an open grave and falls into it. He tries to climb out of it, but it is too deep and the rain has turned the dirt to mud and has made it too slippery to climb. He gives up after a while and decides to spend the night there.
A while later, another drunk leaves the same bar and decides to take the same shortcut through the graveyard.
He, too, falls into that open grave and tries to climb out but the mud is too slippery. The first drunk is still sitting there and watches as the other drunk tries but fails to get out.
The first drunk stands up, taps the second drunk on the shoulder and tells him, "You'll never get out!"
He did.
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-- Have a magic day and pass it on. Magic Mike http://funandmagic.com/Subject: Mount Diablo State park Date: Sat, 16 Sep 2000 09:18:04 -0700 From: "Magic Mike" <mmb Organization: http://funandmagic.com/ To: "you" <mmb
Hi, Valley and Blue oaks cover much of the landscape at Mount Diablo State park. http://funandmagic.com/photolinks2.htm .
Scientists have shown that the moon is moving away at a tiny, although measurable distance from the earth every year.
If you do the math, you can calculate that 85 million years ago the moon was orbiting the earth at a distance of about 35 feet from the earth's surface.
This would explain the death of the dinosaurs. The tallest ones, anyway.
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Lost
A small boy was lost, so he went up to a policeman and said, "I've lost my dad!"
The copper said, "What's he like?"
The little boy replied, "Beer and women."
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"PREGNANCY Q & A"
Q: Should I have a baby after 35? A: No, 35 children is enough.
Q: I'm two months pregnant now. When will my baby move? A: With any luck, right after he finishes college.
Q: How will I know if my vomiting is morning sickness or the flu? A: If it's the flu, you'll get better.
Q: Since I became pregnant, my breasts, rear end, and even my feet have grown. Is there anything that gets smaller during pregnancy? A: Yes, your bladder.
Q: What is the most common pregnancy craving? A: For men to be the ones who get pregnant.
Q: What is the most reliable method to determine a baby's sex? A: Childbirth.
Q: The more pregnant I get the more often strangers smile at me. Why? A: 'Cause you're fatter than they are.
Q: My wife is five months pregnant and so moody that sometimes she's borderline irrational. A: So what's your question?
Q: What's the difference between a nine-month pregnant woman and a model? A: Nothing, if the pregnant woman's husband knows what's good for him.
Q: How long is the average woman in labor? A: Whatever she says divided by two.
Q. My childbirth instructor says it's not pain I'll feel during labor, but pressure. Is she right? A. Yes, in the same way that a tornado might be called an air current.
Q. When is the best time to get an epidural? A. Right after you find out you're pregnant.
Q. Is there any reason I have to be in the delivery room while my wife is in labor? A. Not unless the word "alimony" means anything to you.
Q. I'm modest. Once I'm in the hospital to deliver, who will see me in that delicate position? A. Authorized personnel only -- doctors, nurses, orderlies, photographers, florists, cleaning crews, journalists, etc.
Q. Does labor cause hemorrhoids? A. Labor causes anything you want to blame it for.
Q. Where is the best place to store breast milk? A. In your breasts.
Q. Is there a safe alternative to breast pumps? A. Yes, baby lips.
Q: What are the terrible twos? A: Your breasts after baby stops nursing cold turkey.
Q: What is the best time to wean the baby from nursing? A: When you see teeth marks.
Q. What does it mean when a baby is born with teeth? A. It means that the baby's mother may want to rethink her plans to nurse.
Q. How does one sanitize nipples? A. Bathe daily and wear a clean bra. It beats boiling them in a saucepan.
Q. What happens to disposable diapers after they're thrown away? A. They are stored in a silo in the Midwest, in the event of global chemical warfare.
Q. Do I have to have a baby shower? A. Not if you change the baby's diaper very quickly.
Q. What is colic? A. A reminder for new parents to use birth control.
Q. What are night terrors? A. Frightening episodes in which the new mother dreams she's pregnant again.
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"The other night I came home late, and tried to unlock my house with my car keys. I started the house up. So, I drove it around for a while. I was speeding, and a cop pulled me over. He asked where I lived. I said, "right here, officer". Later, I parked it on the freeway, got out, and yelled at all the cars, "Get out of my driveway!"
-- Steven Wright
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BAD BAGPIPE JOKES
Q. Why do pipers always walk when they play? A. Moving targets are harder to hit.
Q. How do you get two bagpipes to play in perfect unison? A. Shoot one.
Q. What's the difference between a bagpipe and a trampoline? A. You take off your shoes when you jump on a trampoline.
Q. How can you tell a piper with perfect pitch? A. He can throw a set into the middle of a pond and not hit any of the ducks.
Q. How is playing a bagpipe like throwing a javelin blindfolded? A. You don't have to be very good to get people's attention.
Q. How do you make a chain saw sound like a bagpipe? A. Add vibrato.
Q. What's the range of a bagpipe? A. Twenty yards if you have a good arm.
Q. Why are a piper's fingers like lightning? A. They rarely strike the same spot twice.
Q. How can you tell if a bagpipe is out of tune? A. Someone is blowing into it.
Q. ``Hey, Buddy. How late does the pipe band play?'' A. ``Oh, about a half beat behind the drummer.''
Q. Why do they call it a ``kilt''? A. Because a lot of people got kilt when they called it a skirt.
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Fidel dies and goes to heaven. When he gets there, St. Peter tells him that he is not on the list and that no way, no how, does he belong in heaven. Fidel must go to hell.
So Fidel goes to hell where Satan gives him a hearty welcome and tells him to make himself at home. Then Fidel notices that he left his luggage in heaven and tells Satan, who says,
"No hay problema, I'll send a couple of little devils to get your stuff."
When the little devils get to heaven they find the gates are locked - St.Peter is having lunch - and they start debating what to do. Finally, one comes up with the idea that they should go over the wall and get the luggage. As they are climbing the wall, two little angels see them, and one angel says to the other,
"My God! Fidel has been in hell no more than ten minutes and we're already getting refugees!"
-- Have a magic day and pass it on. Magic Mike http://funandmagic.com/Subject: Indian Swamp, Yosemite, lots a funny stuff Date: Fri, 15 Sep 2000 08:33:50 -0700 From: "Magic Mike" <mmb Organization: http://funandmagic.com/ To: "you" <mmb
Hi, Today's pic pick is Indian Swamp, Yosemite National Park, CA http://funandmagic.com/photolinks2.htm . This is such a beautiful scene. I sent everyone feminine health links yesterday. I received a healthy, dissenting opinion from robincam.
health is god now.
not truth, beauty, honor, kindness. just live a long life.
if you die, it's your fault. that is the religion of america.
I'm just trying to save your health has replaced the battle cry of the spanish inquisition
I'm just trying to save your soul, for instance.
let's promote something else. anything else.
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I sent WHO READS NEWSPAPERS. Dave replied:
Mike,
Here in Toronto we have a joke about our four English-language dailies. (We also have one Italian, one Ukrainian, and two Chinese dailies, which probably makes us the only eight daily-paper city left on the continent, unless New York still qualifies.)
To start with, the news is that the world is going to end tomorrow.
The Sun, conservative tabloid: GOD TO MAN THE END
The National Post, investor oriented, conservative, formerly the Financial Post:
World Ending Tomorrow Markets Close Early Major Positions Liquidated
The Globe and Mail, middle-of-the-road, or Red Tory: World to End Tomorrow Cabinet Meets Chretien Said Concerned
The Toronto Star, liberal and Liberal: World to End Tomorrow Women and Minorities Affected
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One night a wife found her husband standing over their baby's crib. Silently she watched him.
As he stood looking down at the sleeping infant, she saw on his face a mixture of emotions: disbelief, doubt, skepticism.
Touched by this unusual display and the deep emotions it aroused, with eyes glistening she slipped her arm around her husband.
"A penny for your thoughts," she said.
"It's amazing!" he replied. "I just can't see how anybody can make a crib like that for only $46.50."
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DJ Shoulder Bag from Dickies Price: $35.00 Dickies equipment division creates workwear for whatever work you're in. The basic DJ bag carries 25 12' records, plus headphones, mag light, and other gear.
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10 Ways To Simulate Ski Season
This is to remind skiers how to prepare for the ski season and to remind non-skiers why they do not ski.
10. Visit your local butcher and pay $30 to sit in the walk-in freezer for half an hour. Afterwards, burn two $50 dollar bills to warm up.
9. Go to the nearest hockey rink and walk across the ice 20 times in your ski boots carrying two pairs of skis, accessory bag and poles. Pretend you are looking for your car.
8. For ski boot simulation at home, put a pebble in your street shoes and tighten a C-clamp around your toes.
7. Buy a pair of gloves and immediately throw one away.
6. Go to McDonald's and insist on paying $6.50 for a hamburger. Be sure to wait in the longest line.
5. Clip a lift ticket to the zipper of your jacket and ride a motorcycle fast enough to make the ticket lacerate your face.
4. Drive slowly for five hours - anywhere - as long as it's in a snowstorm and you're following an 18 wheeler.
3. Fill a blender with ice, hit the pulse button and let the spray blast your face. You'd almost believe you're skiing in front of a snow maker!
2. Dress up in as many clothes as you can and then proceed to take them off because you have to go to the bathroom.
1. Repeat all of the above every Saturday and Sunday.
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THE LAWS OF LOVE
Love your neighbor, but don't get caught.
Love is a matter of chemistry, sex is a matter of physics.
Sex is a three-letter word which needs some old-fashioned four-letter words to
convey its full meaning.
One good turn gets most of the blankets.
You cannot produce a baby in one month by impregnating nine women.
Love is the triumph of imagination over intelligence.
It is better to have loved and lost than never to have loved at all.
Thou shalt not commit adultery.....unless in the mood.
Never lie down with a woman who's got more troubles than you.
Abstain from wine, women, and song; mostly song.
What matters is not the length of the wand, but the magic in the stick.
It is better to be looked over than overlooked.
Beauty is skin deep; ugly goes right to the bone.
There is no difference between a wise man and a fool when they fall in love.
"This won't hurt, I promise."
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Jimmie, an 80-year-old gentleman, retired to Florida after his wife of 58 years had passed away. He was quite alone in the world and longed for companionship. One day, as he was walking through a public park, he spied what he considered to be a very pretty silver-haired lady sitting alone on a park bench. Getting his nerve up, he approached the lady and asked graciously,
"Pardon me, ma'am, but may I sit here with you."
The silver-haired Marcia looked up to see a distinguished looking white-haired gentleman and replied,
"Why certainly,"
and scooted over gently to give him room to sit down.
For the next two hours the two sat and talked about everything. They discovered that they came from the same part of the country, liked the same big band music, voted for the same presidential candidates, had long happy marriages and lost their spouses in the last year, and in general agreed about almost everything.
Finally, the old gentleman cleared his throat and asked sheepishly,
"Ma' am, may I ask you two questions?"
With great anticipation Marcia replied,
"Why certainly!"
The old gentleman removed a handkerchief from his coat pocket and spread it out on the ground before her. He very gingerly got down on one knee and looked her softly in the eyes.
"Marcia, I know we've only known each other for a couple of hours, but we have so much in common. I feel I have known you all my life. Will you marry me and be my wife?"
Marcia grabbed at Jimmie's hands and said,
"Why, yes, I will marry you! You have made me so very happy!"
She reached over and kissed him gently on the cheek. Then Marcia said,
"You said you had two questions to ask me. What is the second question?"
Jimmie scratched his neck and said, "Will you help me get up?"
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Q. Do you know what it means to come home to a man who'll give you love, affection, tenderness and understanding?
A. It means you're in the wrong house.
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YOU KNOW IT'S HOT OUTSIDE WHEN...
* You notice your car overheating before you drive it.
* Your computer won't work unless it has it's own AC blowing on it.
* Hot air balloons can't go up, because the air outside is hotter than the air
inside.
* Airplanes can't land because the asphalt is too soft.
* You discover that it only takes two fingers to drive your car.
* The swans in the park come in "original recipe" and "extra crispy."
* Hotter water comes from the cold water tap than the hot one.
* The strawberries are ripe and the cab drivers are riper.
* Your pool water starts to boil in the sun.
* The hot-dogs sold outside Yankee Stadium are actually hot.
* Pigs complain about sweating like fat humans.
* A scalding hot shower still cools you down.
* You've been getting hot flashes, and you're a man.
* People walking down the sidewalk spontaneously burst into flames.
* A $20 surcharge is added to your bill when you eat at air-conditioned
restaurants.
* The politicians take their hands out of your pockets to fan themselves.
* You need a spatula to remove your clothing.
* When the beer gut and big butt don't keep you from wearing shorts.
* You wish you had gotten the cloth seats instead of leather.
* You ask your boss for extra work so you can be in the air conditioning as
much as possible.
* You are sweating in both directions -- up and down!
* Lawyers kill themselves because they know it's cooler in Hell.
* It's noon in July, kids are on summer vacation, and not one person is moving
on the streets.
* Sunscreen is sold at the front of the checkout counter, a formula less than
30 spf is a joke, and you wear it just to go shopping.
* You burn your hand opening the car door.
* You notice the best parking place is determined by shade instead of
distance.
* You are sitting inside reading these jokes.
* Your brother's braces make blisters on his lips.
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The lil' Columbia Maryland Yuppette was shopping in an upscale pet center. "I want a dog of which I can be proud." she told the salesman. "Does that one have a good pedigree?"
"Miss," declared the clerk, "if she could speak, she wouldn't talk to either one of us."
==
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So it seems that these four rabbis had a series of theological arguments, and three were always in accord against the fourth. One day, the odd rabbi out, after the usual "3 to 1, majority rules" statement that signified that he had lost again, decided to appeal to a higher authority.
"Oh, God!" he cried. "I know in my heart that I am right and they are wrong! Please give me a sign to prove it to them!"
It was a beautiful, sunny day. As soon as the rabbi finished his prayer, a storm cloud moved across the sky above the four. It rumbled once and dissolved. "A sign from God! See, I'm right, I knew it!" But the other three disagreed, pointing out that storm clouds form on hot days.
So the rabbi prayed again: "Oh, God, I need a bigger sign to show that I am right and they are wrong. So please, God, a bigger sign!" This time four storm clouds appeared, rushed toward each other to form one big cloud, and a bolt of lightning slammed into a tree on a nearby hill.
"I told you I was right!" cried the rabbi, but his friends insisted that nothing had happened that could not be explained by natural causes.
The rabbi was getting ready to ask for a *very big* sign, but just as he said, "Oh God...," the sky turned pitch black, the earth shook, and a deep, booming voice intoned, "HEEEEEEEE'S RIIIIIIIGHT!"
The rabbi put his hands on his hips, turned to the other three, and said, "Well?"
"So," shrugged one of the other rabbis, "now it's 3 to 2."
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Cincinnati, Ohio Two years ago, a New Jersey man was in Ohio and decided to rob a bank. When the teller handed over the money, the robber asked her for directions to the interstate. She described how he could get there - and then told police the directions she'd given the theif. The cops quickly nabbed the out-of-town crook, who was carefully following the teller's instructions.
Santa Clarita, California In 1995, two eager bank robbers showed up at a bank wearing ski masks, but the door was locked. It was only 8:55 AM - the bank opened at 9:00 - so the robbers decided to wait around for five minutes. Observant bank employees inside the building and passersby took one look at the two guys wearing ski masks in the warm southern California weather and called the police.
Pearl River, New York A man walked up to a bank teller and silently handed over a note, which demanded all the money in her drawer. The teller couldn't read the man's handwriting, however, so she called over a coworker to help. The second teller also couldn't make out the message, so they asked a third teller. Pretty soon, a whole group of tellers were crowded around the piece of paper. By the time one of them figured out it was a holdup note, the would-be robber had given up and left.
Providence, Rhode Island One theif thought he had scored big when he grabbed four bags of money out of an armoured car. The bags turned out to be full of pennies - and weighed 120 pounds. The crook tried to run away with the heavy loot anyway, but he didn't get far before the police caught up to him.
Philadelphia, Pennsylvania Last October, a robber stole eleven $100 bills from a bank. Police caught the crook less than a mile away but found only one $100 bill on him. When the cops asked the theif where the missing money was, he explained that he had thrown the other ten notes down a sewer, because they were fake. Actually, they were real - they were some of the redesigned $100 bills the U.S. Treasury Department had introduced a year earlier.
Arlinton, Texas A man who had just robbed an armored car didn't realize he had parked his getaway car next to a bus full of Japanese tourists. As he ran to his vehicle carrying bags of money, the tourists focused their cameras on the crook and snapped away - and the police used the many photos of the robber and his license plate to find the theif.
Petersborough, Ontario, Canada In early 1996, police were able to solve a local bank robbery in record time. A few hours after the crime took place, the crook returned to the very same bank and tried to deposit the stolen money into his account there.
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A man was telling his co-worker one day that the company was transferring him to Chicago. He explained that he was going to quit before he had to move there.
When asked why, he replied that he was just too afraid of all the crime even though he would be passing up a big salary increase and greater benefits.
His co worker said to reconsider. Chicago was a magnificent city, with world class museums, loaded with a great history, sites, close to Canada, good public transportation, etc.
Then he said: "Why I myself worked in Chicago for almost 10 years, and in all that time I never ever had a problem with crime while I was working."
The first asked "What did you do there?"
To which the other replied, "I was tail-gunner on a bread truck".
--==
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Sign up for AllAdvantage and be Paid2Surf. Sign up for Utopiad, too. They work on top of each other, to make you $1 an hour while you are online. http://funandmagic.com/paid2surf.htm .
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The husband and wife were playing on the ninth green when she collapsed from a heart attack. "Please dear, I need help." she said.
The husband ran off saying "I'll go get some help." A little while later he returned, picked up his club and began to line up his shot on the green.
His wife, on the ground, raised up her head and said, "I'm may be dying and you're putting?"
"Don't worry dear. I found a doctor on the second hole who said he come and help."
"The second hole ??? When in the heck is he coming ???"
"Hey ! I told ya not to worry." he said, practice stroking his putt. "Everyone's already agreed to let him play through."
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A pediatrician in town always plays a game with some of his young patients to test their knowledge of body parts.
One day, while pointing to a Little boy's ear, the doctor asked him, "Is this your nose?"
Immediately the little boy turned to his mother and said, "Mom, I think we'd better find a new doctor!" -- Have a magic day and pass it on. Magic Mike http://funandmagic.com/Subject: Egret taking flight in rain Date: Thu, 14 Sep 2000 10:23:23 -0700 From: "Magic Mike" <mmb Organization: http://funandmagic.com/ To: "you" <mmb
Hi, My desktop recommendation for the day is a Great White Egret captured at the moment of flight as a light spring rain begins to fall. http://funandmagic.com/photolinks2.htm .
Sign up for AllAdvantage and be Paid2Surf. Sign up for Utopiad, too. They work on top of each other, to make you $1 an hour while you are online. http://funandmagic.com/paid2surf.htm .
NEWSPAPER READERS
The Wall Street Journal is read by the people who run the country.
The New York Times is read by people who think they run the country.
The Washington Post is read by people who think they ought to run the country.
USA Today is read by people who think they ought to run the country but don't understand the Washington Post.
The Los Angeles Times is read by people who wouldn't mind running the country, if they could spare the time.
The Boston Globe is read by people whose parents used to run the country.
The New York Daily News is read by people who aren't too sure who's running the country.
The New York Post is read by people who don't care who's running the country, as long as they do something scandalous.
The San Francisco Chronicle is read by people who aren't sure there is a country, or that anyone is running it.
The Sacramento Bee is only read by government workers and other newspaper journalists looking for news.
The San Jose Merc News is not read, the people are too busy thinking about how to pay for everything.
The Miami Herald is read by people who are running another country.
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"Homework Schedule"
Here is an explanation of the school homework policy:
Students should not spend more than 90 minutes per night. This time should be budgeted in the following manner:
15 minutes looking for assignment. 11 minutes calling a friend for the assignment. 23 minutes explaining why the teacher is mean and just does not like children. 8 minutes in the bathroom. 10 minutes getting a snack. 7 minutes checking the TV Guide. 6 minutes telling parents that the teacher never explained the assignment. 10 minutes sitting at the kitchen table waiting for Mom or Dad to do the assignment.
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PUN-ISH MEANT
Evidence has been found that William Tell and his family were avid bowlers. However, all the league records were unfortunately destroyed in a fire. Thus we'll never know for whom the Tells bowled.
A man rushed into the doctor's office and shouted, "Doctor! I think I'm shrinking!" The doctor calmly responded, "Now, settle down. You'll just have to be a little patient."
A marine biologist developed a race of genetically engineered dolphins that could live forever if they were fed a steady diet of seagulls. One day his supply of the birds ran out, so he had to go out and trap some more. On the way back, he spied two lions asleep on the road. Afraid to wake them, he gingerly stepped over them. Immediately, he was arrested and charged with transporting gulls across sedate lions for immortal porpoises.
A skeptical anthropologist was cataloging South American folk remedies with the assistance of a tribal brujo who indicated that the leaves of a particular fern were a sure cure for any case of constipation. When the anthropologist expressed his doubts, the brujo looked him in the eye and said, "Let me tell you, with fronds like these, who needs enemas?"
Back in the he 1800s, the Tates Watch Company of Massachusetts wanted to produce other products and, since they already made the cases for pocket watches, decided to market compasses for the pioneers traveling west. It turned out that although their watches were of finest quality, their compasses were so bad that people often ended up in Canada or Mexico rather than California. This, of course, is the origin of the expression, "He who has a Tates is lost!"
A thief broke into the local police station and stole all the lavatory equipment. A spokesperson was quoted as saying, "We have absolutely nothing to go on."
An Indian chief was feeling very sick, so he summoned the medicine man. After a brief examination, the medicine man took out a long, thin strip of elk hide and gave it to the chief, instructing him to bite off, chew and swallow one inch of the leather every day. After a month, the medicine man returned to see how the chief was feeling. The chief shrugged and said, "The thong is ended, but the malady lingers on."
A famous Viking explorer returned home from a voyage and found his name missing from the town register. His wife insisted on complaining to the local civic official who apologized profusely saying, "I must have taken Leif off my census."
There were three Indian squaws. One slept on a deerskin. One slept on an elk skin and the third slept on a hippopotamus skin. All three became pregnant and the first two each had a baby boy. The one who slept on the hippopotamus skin had twin boys. This goes to prove that the squaw of the hippopotamus is equal to the sons of the squaws of the other two hides.
By the way, I know the guy who wrote these 9 puns. He entered them and one other in a contest. He figured with 10 entries he couldn't lose. As they were reading the list of winners he was really hoping one of his puns would win, but unfortunately, no pun in ten did.
The Mexican doctor told the village nymphomaniac, "Senorita, it looks to me like you've had Juan too many."
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"Winny and I lived in a house that ran on static electricity...If you wanted to run the blender, you had to rub balloons on your head. If you wanted to cook, you had to pull off a sweater real quick."
-- Steven Wright
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Personal Ad:
SWM in dead-end job seeks dumpy neurotic for mutual psychological torture, tepid sex, and co-dependency.
I enjoy drinking, smoking, pornography, and self-righteous indignation.
I can't stand movies, and the last album I bought was The Marshall Tucker Band's Greatest Hits.
I have middling intelligence but try to appear smarter by affecting a world-weary air, memorizing useless facts, and chuckling at my own mean-spirited, agenda-driven jokes.
I'm 32 but look 40 and feel 60.
You are a whiny, bitter shrew with a misplaced sense of entitlement and unrealistic expectations. In time you will become coolly hostile when I don't fulfill every unmet need you've ever had.
Bonus points if you just finished screwing every guy in town and but now want to take it slow with me.
My perfect night would include getting hammered in a shit- hole bar while you flirt with seedy old drunks, followed by an embarrassing screaming match.
I would be open to an unsatisfying fling that leaves me filled with regret and dread but prefer a long-term, soul crushing descent into booze and pills.
No friendships. I don't need any goddamn friends.
Age unimportant, but I will condescend to women under 30 and rehash mother issues with women over 40.
Serious replies only, please.
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If you ever catch on fire, try to avoid seeing yourself in the mirror, because that will REALLY throw you into a panic.
If you go flying back through time and you see somebody else flying forward into the future, always avoid eye contact.
Don't drink and think because if you ever reach total enlightenment while you're drinking a beer, beer will probably shoot out your nose.
Sometimes you have to march right in and demand your rights, even if you don't know what your rights are, or who the person is you're talking to.
Then on the way out, slam the door.
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How?
The wife came home from the doctor's the other day and said to her husband, "The doctor told me I couldn't make love".
The husband said, "I've known this for years-I want to know how he found out!"
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Business
A shy, drunken, innocent young man walked up to a beautiful young woman in a bar and said: "Do you mind if I ask you a personal question?"
"Yes I do," replied the beautiful young woman, "But go ahead, as I'm sure you're going to ask me anyway."
"OK," said the shy, drunken, innocent young man, "How many men have you slept with?"
"That's my business!" snapped the woman.
"Oh, right!" said the bloke, "I didn't realize you made a living out of it!
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"TOP TEN THINGS ONLY WOMEN UNDERSTAND"
10. Cats' facial expressions 9. The need for the same style of shoes in different colors 8. Why bean sprouts aren't just weeds 7. Fat clothes 6. Taking a car trip without trying to beat your best time 5. The difference between beige, ecru, cream, off-white, and eggshell 4. Cutting your bangs to make them grow 3. Eyelash curlers 2. The inaccuracy of every bathroom scale ever made
AND, the Number One thing only women understand:
1. OTHER WOMEN
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"Advice From Men To Women"
Never buy a 'new' brand of beer because 'it was on sale.'
If we're in the backyard and the TV in the den is on, that doesn't mean we're not watching it.
Don't tell anyone we can't afford a new car. Tell them we don't want one.
Whenever possible please try to say whatever you have to say during commercials.
Only wearing your new lingerie once does not send the message that you need more. It tells us lingerie is a bad investment.
Please don't drive when you're not driving.
Don't feel compelled to tell us how all the people in your stories are related to one another: We're just nodding, waiting for the punch line.
The quarterback who just got pummeled isn't trying to be brave. He's just not crying. Big difference!
When the waiter asks if everything's okay, a simple 'Yes' is fine.
What do you mean, 'leering?' She's obstructing my view.
When I ask, 'How many guys have you slept with?' It would be much appreciated if you did not answer honestly.
When I'm turning the wheel and the car is nosing onto the off-ramp, saying 'Oh, this is our exit, Honey' is not really necessary.
When you're not around, I belch so loudly that I even appall myself.
The temperature in the cave will be my responsibility. It will be slightly to moderately cooler than you want it.
SportsCenter starts at 10:00 P.M. and runs one hour. This is an excellent time for you to pay bills, put laundry in the dryer, or talk to your sister.
Is it too much to ask to have the bra match the underwear?
If we see you in the morning and at night, why call us at work?
You probably don't want to know what we're thinking about.
It's in neither your interest nor ours to take the Cosmo quiz together!
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"All I Need To Know About Life I learned From Trees"
It's important to have roots.
In today's complex world, it pays to branch out.
Don't pine away over old flames.
If you really believe in something, don't be afraid to go out on a limb.
Be flexible so you don't break when a harsh wind blows.
Sometimes you have to shed your old bark in order to grow.
If you want to maintain accurate records, keep a log.
To be politically correct, don't wear firs.
Grow where you're planted.
It's perfectly okay to be a late bloomer.
Avoid people who would like to cut you down.
Get all spruced up when you have a hot date.
If the party gets boring, just leaf.
You can't hide your true colors as you approach the autumn of your life.
It's more important to be honest than poplar.
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While practicing auto-rotations during a military night training exercise a Huey Cobra screwed up the landing and landed on the tail rotor. The landing was so hard that it broke off the tail boom. However, the chopper fortunately remained upright on its skids, sliding down the runway doing 360s.
As the Cobra slid past the tower, trailing a brilliant shower of sparks, this was the radio exchange that took place...
Tower: "Sir, do you need any assistance?"
Cobra: "I don't know, tower, we ain't done crashin' yet."
------------ Have a magic day and pass it on. Magic Mike http://funandmagic.com/Subject: Eerie light over White Sands Dunes, Rules for cats, If dogs were your teachers Date: Wed, 13 Sep 2000 09:03:10 -0700 From: "Magic Mike" <mmb Organization: http://funandmagic.com/ To: "you" <mmb
The sooner you fall behind, the more time you'll have to catch up.
Hi, The white color of the White Sands and the interesting surrounding vegetation create an eerie landscape at twilight. Put it on your desk and come back daiily. http://funandmagic.com/photolinks2.htm . Are you drinking toxins today? Or, are you getting the cleanest water for 6 cents a gallon? Support my site and get healthy water for you and your family and friends. . Tell me how you like the new look of the entry pages, joke parlor, and photo page, please. -Magic Mike
Rules for cats who have a house to run
I. DOORS: Do not allow closed doors in any room. To get a door opened, stand on hind legs and scratch the frame. You may also reach under the door and pull clothing towards you; silks get the quickest reaction. Once door is opened, it is not necessary to use it.
After you have ordered an "outside" door opened, stand halfway in and out and think about several things. This is particularly important during very cold weather, when it's raining or snowing, or during the height of the mosquito season. Swinging doors must be avoided at all costs.
II. CHAIRS AND RUGS: If you have to urp, get to an overstuffed chair quickly. If you cannot manage this in time, get to an Oriental rug. If there are no Oriental rugs, shag is a good substitute. When urping on shag, be sure you project; it is a must that it stretch for as long as a human's bare foot.
III. BATHROOMS: Always accompany guests to the bathroom. (See Rule I.) It is not necessary to do anything -- just sit and stare.
IV. HELPING: If one of your humans is engaged in some semi-closed activity and the other is idle, stay with the busy one. This is called "helping"; humans are known to refer to it as hampering". The following are the rules for "helping":
a) When supervising cooking, sit just behind the left heel of the cook. You cannot be seen and thereby stand a better chance of being stepped on and then picked up and comforted.
b) For book readers, get in close under the chin, between eyes and book, unless you can lie across the book itself.
c) For knitting projects or paperwork, lie on the work in the most appropriate manner so as to obscure as much of the work or at least the most important part. Pretend to doze, but every so often reach out and slap the pencil or knitting needles. The worker may try to distract you; ignore it. Remember, the aim is to hamper work. Embroidery and needlepoint projects make great hammocks in spite of what the humans may tell you.
d) For people paying bills (monthly activity) or working on income taxes or Christmas cards (annual activity), keep in mind the aim - - to help! First, sit on the paper being worked on. When dislodged, watch sadly from the side of the table. When activity proceeds nicely, roll around on the papers, scattering them to the best of your ability. After being removed for the second time, push pens, pencils, and erasers off the table, one at a time.
e) When a human is holding the newspaper in front of him/her, be sure to jump on the back of the paper. They love to jump.
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"If A Dog Were Your Teacher"
You would learn stuff like...
--When loved ones come home, always run to greet them. --Never pass up the opportunity to go for a joyride. --Allow the experience of fresh air and the wind in your face to be pure ecstasy. --When it's in your best interest, practice obedience. --Let others know when they've invaded your territory. --Take naps and stretch before rising. --Run, romp, and play daily. --Thrive on attention and let people touch you. --Avoid biting when a simple growl will do. --On warm days, stop to lie on your back on the grass. --On hot days, drink lots of water and lay under a shady tree. --When you're happy, dance around and wag your entire body. --No matter how often you're scolded, don't buy into the guilt thing and pout... run right back and make friends. --Delight in the simple joy of a long walk. --Eat with gusto and enthusiasm. Stop when you have had enough. --Be loyal. --Never pretend to be something you're not. --If what you want lies buried, dig until you find it.
And MOST of all...
When someone is having a bad day, be silent, sit close by and nuzzle them gently.
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If Labor Day means that I get a day off from my job, then.... Does Valentine's Day mean that I get a day off from my girlfriend?
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Teacher: Who is the fastest human being in the world?
Johnny: My mother... she can catch me doing anything.
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When I was in high-school, Joel, a buddy of mine & I were discussing a girl from French class we had both befriended. Her family had recently relocated to the metro area from a farm way out in the sticks.
We both agreed that we'd never met a sweeter girl before, but she was too naive and trusting.
Joel said, "Listen, for her own good, and as her friends, we've got to teach her quickly what's right & what's wrong."
I replied, "Agreed! You teach her what's right."
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Men & women
Most women are introspective: "Am I in love? Am I emotionally and creatively fulfilled?" Most men are outrospective: "Did my team win? How's my car?"
If a man says, "I'll call you," and he doesn't, he didn't forget.. he didn't lose your number.. he didn't die. He just didn't want to call you.
Men hate to lose. I once beat my husband at tennis I asked him, "Are we going to have sex again?" He said, "Maybe.. next year."
Getting rid of a man without hurting his masculinity is a problem. "Get out" and "I never want to see you again" might sound like a challenge If you want to get rid of a man, I suggest saying, "I love you.. I want to marry you.. I want to have your children." Sometimes they leave skid marks.
Men are self-confident because they grow up identifying with super- heroes. Women have bad self-images because they grow up identifying with Barbie.
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I dialed '0' and an operator answered promptly. I said, "Hello, I'd like to speak to the king of the jungle, please."
She answered, "I'm very sorry, but the lion is busy."
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The oyster is usually ambisexual. It begins life as a male, then becomes a female, then changes back to being a male, then back to being female; it may go back and forth many times.
The digestive juices of crocodiles contain so much hydrochloric acid that they have dissolved iron spearheads and six-inch steel hooks that the crocodiles have swallowed.
The Penquin is the only bird that can swim, but not fly. It is also the only bird that walks upright. -- Have a magic day and pass it on. Magic Mike http://funandmagic.com/Subject: Dunes for your desk Date: Tue, 12 Sep 2000 10:11:54 -0700 From: "Magic Mike" <mmb Organization: http://funandmagic.com/ To: "you" <mmb
Hi, More nice dunes for your desk, human footprints, on the Great Sand Dunes, early in the morning. http://funandmagic.com/photolinks2.htm . Cut your phone bill IN HALF with I-Phone True Cost. http://www.cognigen.net/iphone/?phon4less .
Although I'm not usually a nervous passenger, I became very frightened on a small commuter plane. A storm raged with sheets of rain and gale-force winds. Our first takeoff attempt was aborted because of engine trouble. We taxied back to the hangar, changed planes and then sat on the runway awaiting takeoff clearance.
I remembered learning in psychology class that one method for decreasing stress and anxiety is to engage in conversations, so I turned to the man sitting next to me. "What do you do for a living?" I asked.
"I'm an undertaker," he replied.
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Strolling through the singles' bar, the rich dude spotted a lovely young woman sitting alone at a table, and walked over. "Say, babe, how about coming along and giving me a little head?"
The woman looked up. "That'll be the day."
Undaunted, Bill said, "Well then, how about coming to my apartment and screwing like rabbits?"
Snickering, the woman said, "That'll be the day!"
"Okay," He said. "How about taking my limo to my private jet, flying to Tahiti, and spending the weekend on my private beach?"
The woman looked up and smiled at him, saying, "THIS'LL be the day!"
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A married man decided to work late to be with his sexy secretary, so he called his wife to make up an excuse.
After work he invited his secretary to dinner. It soon became obvious that he was going to get lucky, so the two went back to her apartment and had great sex for two hours.
Afterward the fellow went to the bathroom to straighten up for the trip home and noticed a huge hickey on his neck.
He panicked, wondering what to tell his wife.
After the man unlocked his front door, his dog came bounding to greet him. Aha, the man thought, and promptly fell to the carpet, pretending to fight off the affectionate animal. Holding his neck with one hand, he said, "Honey, look what the dog did to my neck!"
"Hell," she answered, ripping open her blouse. "Look what he did to my tits!"
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How are women like snow flakes??? They are all beautiful. They are all different. They can be cold as ice. But they'll all melt when they land on your face.
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What's dumb? Directions on toilet paper.
What's dumber than that? Reading them.
Even dumber? Reading them and learning something.
Dumbest of all? Reading them and having to correct something you've been doing wrong.
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The local parish had a fairly new priest. He had wonderful, innovative ideas that were, for the most part accepted by the congregation. His mentor, a "higher ranking" priest, came for a visit to see how he was doing. After looking the parish over, the senior priest said,
"Father John, your idea of a drive through confessional is wonderful. That makes it so convenient for your church members. And, Father John, it was a really good idea to have the confessional open 24 hours a day, for those who work "shift" work. However, Father John....that flashing neon sign that says "TOOT and TELL or GO to HELL"....well, it has GOT TO GO."
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After a young couple brought their new baby home, the wife suggested that her husband should try his hand at changing diapers. "I'm busy," he said, "I'll do the next one."
The next time came around and she asked again. The husband looked puzzled,
"Oh! I didn't mean the next diaper. I meant the next baby!"
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The other day I was playing golf and saw an unusual thing.
A golfer became so mad that he threw his brand new set of golf clubs into the lake.
A few minutes later he came back, waded into the lake, and retrieved his clubs.
He proceeded to take his car keys out of the bag -- then threw the clubs back into the water.
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Signs found in Kitchen
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1. Kitchen closed - - this chick has had it!
2. Martha Stewart doesn't live here!!
3. I'm creative; you can't expect me to be neat too!
4. So this isn't Home Sweet Home... Adjust!
5. Ring Bell for Maid Service...If no answer do it yourself!
6. I clean house every other day.... Today is the other day!
7. If you write in the dust, please don't date it!
8. I would cook dinner but I can't find the can opener!
9. My house was clean last week, too bad you missed it!
10. A clean kitchen is the sign of a wasted life.
11. COOK CAN'T TAKE IT ANYMORE!
12. I came, I saw, I decided to order take out.
13. If you don't like my standards of cooking...lower your standards.
14. You may touch the dust in this house...but please don't write in it!
15. Apology...Although you'll find our house a mess, Come in, sit down, converse. It doesn't always look like this: Some days it's even worse.
16. A messy kitchen is a happy kitchen, and this kitchen is delirious.
17. If we are what we eat, then I'm easy, fast, and cheap
18. A balanced diet is a cookie in each hand.
19. Thou shalt not weigh more than thy refrigerator
20. Blessed are they who can laugh at themselves for they shall never cease to be amused.
21. A clean house is a sign of a misspent life.
22. Help keep the kitchen clean - eat out.
23. Countless number of people have eaten in this kitchen and gone on to lead normal lives.
24. My next house will have no kitchen --- just vending machines.
25. Gardening forever . . . Housework, never!
26. Dull women have immaculate houses.
27. I'd live life in the fast lane but I am married to a speed bump.
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A site foreman had ten very lazy men working for him, so one day he decided to trick them into doing some work for a change.
"I've got a really easy job today for the laziest one among you," he announced. "Will the laziest man please put his hand up."
Nine hands went up. "Why didn't you put your hand up?", he asked the tenth man.
"Too much trouble," came the reply!
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When Rodney Lee got arrested, they told him, "Anything you say will be held against you." Rodney Lee said, "Claudia Schiffer's tits."
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This guy goes to a doctor and says he has a problem with sex. "Doc, I think my dick is just too damn small," he says.
The doctor asks him which drink he prefers.
"Well, American beer," he replies quite bemused.
"Aaaahhh. There's your problem, it shrinks things, those silly American beers... you should try drinking Guinness. That makes things grow."
Two months later the chap returns to the doctor with a big smile on his face. He shakes the doctor by the hand and thanks him.
"I take it you now drink Guinness?" asked the doctor.
"Oh no, Doc," replies the man, "but I've got the wife on American beer!"
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Hank was a not too smart kind of guy. Everyday when he walked home from work, he would get stopped by three nasty men and they would beat him up and steal his money. Finally, Hank decided that it would serve his best interest to walk a different route and then take up some self-defense classes so this wouldn't happen again. He joined a karate class and soon was doing very well to defend himself.
So, one day, on the way home from work Hank took his old route home and sure enough there they were. He walked up to them and the battle ensued. The next afternoon Hank went to his karate class with a black eye, a broken nose and a busted lip.
His instructor, shocked, asked him what happened.
"Well," explained Hank, "I took my old way home last night so I could beat these guys up who were stealing my money, but they beat me up before I could get my shoes and socks off!"
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"There is nothing for a case of nerves than a case of beer." - Joan Goldstein
"Show me a good loser and I'll show you a loser." - Unknown
"They used to photograph Shirley Temple through gauze. They should photograph me through linoleum." - Tallulah Bankhead (1903-1968) **********************
At age 14, Mozart heard Gregorio Allegri's "Miserere" performed at the Sistene Chapel in Rome, and after that one hearing wrote down the full score from memory.
Only seven of the 1,770 poems written by Emily Dickenson were published during her lifetime.
TV station GTV-9 in Melbourne, Australia broadcast the longest continuous program in July 1969. Covering the entire Apollo 11 moon flight, the program lasted 163 hours 18 minutes.
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"All the plants in my house are dead---I shot them last night. I was teasing them by watering them with ice cubes."
-- Steven Wright
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"Say," began Lucille one day over lunch, "didn't you go out with that guy who played the French horn?"
"Yeah," said Diane, stirring her iced tea.
"You were really looking forward to it, I remember. How'd it go?" Lucille leaned forward eagerly.
"Actually he was a pretty nice guy," volunteered Diane reluctantly. "But there was one real problem . . ."
"Oh, really?"
"Every time he kissed me, he wanted to shove his fist up my ass."
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Two women were having lunch together, and discussing the merits of cosmetic surgery.
The first woman says, "I need to be honest with you, I'm getting a boob job."
The second woman says "Oh that's nothing, I'm thinking of having my asshole bleached!"
To which the first replies, "Whoa I just can't picture your husband as a blonde!"
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From the Sydney Morning Herald, Australia, comes this story of a central west couple who drove their car to K-Mart only to have their car break down in the parking lot. The man told his wife to carry on with the shopping while he fixed the car.
The wife returned later to see a small group of people near the car. On closer inspection she saw a pair of male legs protruding from under the chassis. Although the man was in shorts, his lack of underpants turned private parts into glaringly public ones.
Unable to stand the embarrassment she dutifully stepped forward and tucked everything back into place. On regaining her feet she looked across the hood and found herself staring at her husband who was standing idly by.
The mechanic, however, had to have three stitches in his head.
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How can you tell if a midget is gay?
He just came out of the cupboard.
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John was in a bar looking very dejected. His friend, Steve, walked over and asked, "What's wrong?"
"It's my mother-in-law," John replied, while shaking his head sadly. "I have a real problem with her."
"Cheer up," Steve said. "Everyone has problems with their mother-in-law."
"Yeah," John answered. "But not everybody gets theirs' pregnant."
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My friend's sister was to be married on short notice but still wanted an elaborate wedding. The invitations were ready to be mailed when someone noticed that there were no inserted cards inviting guests to the reception.
Undaunted, the mother of the bride typed up a note, made 280 copies and enclosed one with each formal invitation.
Family and friends were surprised to read: "Conception immediately following the ceremony in the grand Ballroom of the Holiday Inn.
"Everyone is invited."
-- Have a magic day and pass it on. Magic Mike http://funandmagic.com/Subject: 3fer - More jokes - Smoker's Mind, Groucho's Mind, and Proctor's Mind Date: Mon, 11 Sep 2000 09:10:29 -0700 From: "Magic Magic Mike" <mmb Organization: http://funandmagic.com/ To: "you" <mmb
Hi, You know, I just have more jokes than you can shake a stick at. How many is that, anyway? You know, I don't think I actually ever shook a stick. Here's some more fun stuff and Planet Proctor to put a cherry on. -Magic Mike
this is for anyone who is not a smoker but has friends that smoke and is as amazed as I am at there ability to make friends and have conversations with totals strangers because of and about the magic cancer stick!
The thought process of a smoker:
Hello; I saw you smoken' some smokes in the parking lot. I've been known to smoke a smoke or two cuz' I'm a smoker. I was wonderin' what kina' smokes you smoke, you see I smoke some smokes and I could bum a smoke and we could both smoke smokes together. I'd have to know what kina' smokes you smoke cuz' if you don't smoke the kina smokes I smoke I wouldn't want to smoke your smokes and not enjoy the smoke. See I don't like to smoke some smokes, but some smokes I like. Then I guess we could maybe talk about smokes, the smokes you smoke, and the smoking of smokes. Are they reds? I smoke reds when I smoke they're the only smokes I'll smoke. I generally don't enjoy smoken' smokes with other smokers cuz', although I like the smoke and smoken' smokes, and especially blowing smoke in to things, I don't like the second hand smoke. See I smoke smokes cuz' I enjoy the smoke, but I don't enjoy the smoke from other smokers smoken' smokes. I also find that I don't enjoy the smoke from different kinds of smokes than the smokes I smoke. Different smokes smoke and the smoke from other smokers smokes disturbs my smoking. Basically I like to smoke lotsa' smokes man. I'm always tellin' my friends "smokes man smokes!" I'll smoke your smokes, I'll smoke my smokes, I'll smoke her smokes. Just so long as there good smokes man and I'm smoken' smokes. I like to smoke lotsa' smokes, now I'd perfer it if your smokes were the smokes I smoke cuz' it's easer for a smoker to smoke the same kina' smokes they smoke, but as long as I'm smoken' some kina' smokes man. I also perfer to smoke my smokes with some other smoken' buddies of mine cuz' then you can smoke or you can talk about smokes and smoken' smokes if you're not smoken'. Once I was smoken' my smoke in this non-smoken' area and this guy said "do you mind not smoking that here?" so I said to him " sorry man I need to smoke these smokes." I mean I gota' smoke smokes man, I need to. Even if they're not the kinda' smokes I smoke just give me some fucken' smokes! I need smokes and to smoke, so if I need to smoke and I've got some smokes, even if there not the type of smokes I like to smoke, then I'm gona' smoke those smokes even if some non-smoker doesn't like the second hand smoke I'm smoken'. Man I like to smoke. I can put up with non-smokers tellin' me not to smoke smokes, and the smoke of smokes I don't like to smoke, and the smoke from other smokers and the smokes they smoke as long as I get to smoke smokes and they're the smokes I like to smoke when I'm smoke some smokes.
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Quotes From Groucho Marx:
- Time flies like an arrow. Fruit flies like a banana. - Room service? Send up a larger room. - Who are you going to believe, me or your own eyes? - Those are my principles. If you don't like them I have others. - He may look like an idiot and talk like an idiot but don't let that fool you. He really is an idiot. - I never forget a face, but in your case I'll be glad to make an exception. - A child of five could understand this. Fetch me a child of five. - From the moment I picked your book up until I laid it down I was convulsed with laughter. Someday I intend reading it. - Ice Water? Get some Onions - that'll make your eyes water! - You know I could rent you out as a decoy for duck hunters? - You've got the brain of a four-year-old boy, and I'll bet he was glad to get rid of it. - A man's only as old as the woman he feels. - Why should I care about posterity? What's posterity ever done for me? - Why, I'd horsewhip you if I had a horse. - One morning I shot an elephant in my pajamas. How he got into my pajamas I'll never know. - I must say that I find television very educational. The minute somebody turns it on, I go to the library and read a book. - I have had a perfectly wonderful evening, but this wasn't it. - If I held you any closer I would be on the other side of you. - I don't care to belong to a club that accepts people like me as members. - I was married by a judge. I should have asked for a jury. -Remember men, we're fighting for this woman's honor; which is probably more than she ever did. - Women should be obscene and not heard. - After his introduction on a music/variety show, Groucho and the host both sat down at center stage. Host: "I'm a big fan of yours, Groucho. " Groucho: "If it gets any hotter in here I could use a big fan." - Do you think I could buy back my introduction to you? - Why was I with her? She reminds me of you. In fact, she reminds me more of you than you do! - Behind every successful man is a woman, behind her is his wife. - As soon as I get through with you, you'll have a clear case for divorce and so will my wife. - I married your mother because I wanted children, imagine my disappointment when you came along. -Outside of a dog, a book is man's best friend. Inside of a dog, it's too dark to read. - Quote me as saying I was misquoted.
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Subject: PP 2000/21 Date: Sun, 10 Sep 2000 20:08:27 -0400 From: "phil proctor" <PProctor@compuserve.com To: "3" <pproctor@compuserve.com
(((((((((((((((((( PLANET PROCTOR 2000/21 - http://www.planetproctor.com
"No man is an Ireland." - Mayor Richard Daley, by Bob Herbert, N.Y. Times
THE E-MAIL BLESSING Peace be unto you, your computer and the e-mail you receive this day. May the mail you receive not require you to multiply it tenfold or return it within a limited time frame. May it not require you to take action to prove your love,friendship, or concern for the welfare of the sender. May the mail you receive not start with [Fw: Fw: Fw:], not contain strangely named attachments nor endless "<<<<<"s. May it not cause you to change your eating habits to avoid plagues, pestilence and the eating of parts of things you can't buy at Wal-Mart. May the mail you receive not encourage you to carry a steel plate on which to sit in theaters or other public places. May it not encourage you to learn the 800 number for the National Missing Child Bureau, Center for Disease Control or the FCC. May your inaction to the mail you receive not cause the death of monks, missionaries, mothers or the misguided. And above all may peace and harmony be yours until tomorrow...(From Luan)
"When people tell me that I'm wrecking the Democratic Party, I ask them, 'What's left to wreck?'" - Green Party candidate Ralph Nader about "Gush and Bore". BEAR WITH ME SCR stage manager Julie Haber writes, "While in Australia, I had a photo taken of me holding a real Koala. It turned out really well - I looked great and the Koala had its eyes open, very cute. I decided to update my Citibank Visa Photocard with the new photo, so I made a print the requisite size and sent in the application. About 3 weeks later, I received a missive from them as follows: 'We have reviewed your Photocard request. However, we are unable to process your request at this time for the following reason(s): *The photo included another individual. The photo must be only of you.' They were worried that the Koala might try to buy something using my Visa?"
"Who do you have to screw to get laid in this town?" - Actor Troy Evans
THE GAY MASTER PLAN UNZIPPED Many of you have heard Pat Robertson, Jerry Falwell and others speak of the "Homosexual Agenda," but no one has ever seen a copy of it. Here it is, directly from The Homintern. 6 a.m. Gym and Tanning Bed 8 a.m. Breakfast (oatmeal and egg whites) 9 a.m. Hair Appointment 10 a.m. Shopping 12 p.m. Brunch (salmon Benedict, roasted potatoes, mimosa) 2 p.m. (1) Assume complete control of the U.S. federal, state and local governments, as well as other national governments; (2) Recruit all straight youngsters to debauched lifestyle; (3) Destroy all healthy heterosexual marriages; (4) Replace all school counselors in grades K-12 with agents of Colombian and Jamaican drug cartels; (5) Establish planetary chain of "homo-breeding gulags," where overmedicated imprisoned straight women are turned into artificially impregnated baby factories to produce prepubescent love slaves for devotedly gay leadership; (6) Bulldoze all houses of worship; and (7) Secure total control of the Internet and all mass media for the exclusive use of the Liberace Society. 2:30 p.m. Beauty rest to prevent facial wrinkles due to stress of world conquest. 3:30 p.m. Protein Shake 4 p.m. Tea Dance 6 p.m. Light Dinner (soup, salad and skinless chicken breast, with a crisp Chard) 8 p.m. Theatre 11 p.m. Bed du Jour
"I have been downloaded 851 million times." - Web Hottie Cindy Margolis on E.T., 9/07 SHORT READS 20. BEAUTY SECRETS - By Janet Reno 19. HOME BUILT AIRPLANES - By John Denver 18. HOW TO GET TO THE SUPER BOWL - By Dan Marino 17. THINGS I LOVE ABOUT BILL - By Hillary Clinton 16. MY LIFE'S MEMORIES - By Ronald Reagan 15. THINGS I CAN'T AFFORD - By Bill Gates 14. THINGS I WOULD NOT DO FOR MONEY - By Dennis Rodman 13. THE WILD YEARS - By Al Gore 12. AMELIA EARHART'S GUIDE TO THE PACIFIC OCEAN 11. AMERICA'S MOST POPULAR LAWYERS 10. DETROIT - A TRAVEL GUIDE 9. DR. KEVORKIAN'S COLLECTION OF MOTIVATIONAL SPEECHES 8. EVERYTHING MEN KNOW ABOUT WOMEN 7. EVERYTHING WOMEN KNOW ABOUT MEN 6. ALL THE MEN I'VE LOVED BEFORE - By Ellen Degeneres 5. MIKE TYSON'S GUIDE TO DATING ETIQUETTE 4. SPOTTED OWL RECIPES - By The Sierra Club 3. THE AMISH PHONE DIRECTORY - by Joe Yoder 2. MY PLAN TO FIND THE REAL KILLERS - By O. J. Simpson And The World's Number One Shortest Book.... MY BOOK OF MORALS - By Bill Clinton
"As they say down South, he was a hard dog to keep on the porch." - David Gergen in his book "Eyewitness to Power" on Mr. Bill.
DRUGS AND GOV'T THUGS Guru Ram Dass' comments on the Drug War at L.A.'s Shadow Convention, Patriotic Hall, August 16: "I've spoken all around the world...about consciousness and spirit ... but it is only in California that I can say to the audience...prior to my speech, I smoked a joint. This war...has made us less than truthful with one another...because we can't tell anybody that you are cured with marijuana. Medical marijuana has put me ahead of the game...It gives me control of the spastic elements I have from the stroke. And some of the pain. It gives me perspective, so I can look at the stroke with a certain love...with a certain witnessing... My history you probably know. I started out as a psychology professor. And then I took mushrooms. Given to me by Tim Leary. And with mushrooms, I plumbed the depths of my being. I inhabited my soul...[It's] strange that a culture would prohibit a plant that would keep one spiritually conscious. These drugs...these psychedelic drugs that I took, lead to changes, changes in the 60's. The culture is frightened, and frightened of change... Politicians don't want the populous to see clearly. With these drugs, I see creativity. What's the problem? Doesn't this culture want creativity? This culture won't let go...and your consciousness has to be free. And what we are doing here, is freeing consciousness. We've had the Information Age, and now we need to go on to the Consciousness Age. And we are the leaders. This group."
"No one religion owns spiritual power." - Dr. David Walker, LACRS
MOTHER TAUGHT ME -- To Appreciate A Job Well Done -- "If you're going to kill each other, do it outside - I just finished cleaning!" Religion --"You better pray that will come out of the carpet." Time Travel -- "If you don't straighten up, I'm going to knock you into the middle of next week!" Logic -- "Because I said so, that's why." Foresight -- "Make sure you wear clean underwear, in case you're in an accident." Irony -- "Keep laughing and I'll *give* you something to cry about." The Science of Osmosis -- "Shut your mouth and eat your supper!" Contortionism -- "Just *look* at the dirt on the back of your neck!" Stamina -- "You'll sit there 'til all that spinach is gone." Weather -- "It looks as if a tornado swept through your room. How to Solve Physics Problems -- "If I yelled because I saw a meteor coming toward you; would you listen then?" Hypocrisy -- "If I've told you once, I've told you a million times, don't Exaggerate!!!" Behavior Modification -- "Stop acting like your father!" Envy -- "There are millions of less fortunate children in this world who don't have wonderful parents like you do!" The Circle of Life -- "I brought you into this world, and I can take you out." (From Mona Marshall)
"Give Satan just an inch and he will be a ruler." - Faith Tabernacle Assembly of God church billboard
WHAT IF THEIR MOM'S WERE JEWISH...? Paul Revere's Mother: "I don't care where you think you have to go, young man, midnight is past your curfew." Mona Lisa's Mother: "After all that money your father and I spent on braces, that's the biggest smile you can give us?" Columbus' Mother: "I don't care what you've discovered, you still could have written!" Michelangelo's Mother: "Can't you paint on walls like other children? Do you have any idea how hard it is to get that stuff off the ceiling?" Napoleon's Mother: "All right, if you aren't hiding your report card inside your jacket, take your hand out of there and show me." Lincoln's Mother: "Again with the stovepipe hat? Can't you just wear a baseball cap like the other kids?" Mary's Mother: "I'm not upset that your lamb followed you to school, but I would like to know how he got a better grade than you." Einstein's Mother: "But it's your senior picture. Can't you do something about your hair? Styling gel, mousse, something . . .?" George Washington's Mother: "The next time I catch you throwing money across the Potomac, you can kiss your allowance good-bye!" Jonah's Mother: "That's a nice story. Now tell me where you've really been for the last three days." Thomas Edison's Mother: "Of course I'm proud that you invented the electric light bulb. Now turn it off and get to bed." (From Patty Paul)
"There are only two kinds of luggage: carry-on and lost." - Peter Greenberg, Today Show travel expert
OVERHEARD IN AVERY SCHRIEBER'S IMPROV WORKSHOP A: "Did you know that Bush has killed over a hundred and thirty people in Texas?" B: "Have you ever been to Texas?" A: "Sure!" B: "Well,... it's a good start, isn't it?"
"Lieberman Tells Diners He'll Save Their Bacon" - L.A. Times headline
ALL DUCKS MOURN The creator/producer of the brilliant "2000X" sci-fi series, Yuri "El Fiendo" Rassovsky <www.audible.com/2000x. informed me that cartoonist Carl Barks died last week at the age of 99, at home in Grants Pass, Oregon.
After a stint at Disney, he joined Dell publishing's comic book operation and created Huey, Dewey and Louie, Gyro Gearloose, Gladstone Gander, the Beagle Boys (one of which I've even voiced), Grandma Duck and, most memorably, Uncle Scrooge McDuck. Known among fans as "the good artist," he was a marvelous story teller as well as a fine draftsman and had he not draw exclusively for comic books, he would be honored like Dr. Seuss (who started out in comic books), as one of the nation's greatest writer/illustrators of children's fiction. See for yourself @ <http://home4.swipnet.se/~w-47991/CarlBarks/
"In Hollywood, awards are like hemorrhoids; sooner or later, every asshole gets one." -- Billy Wilder at a tribute to Lana Turner
SURREALISTS RULE! I've been informed that Professor Irwin Corey is now playing to heavenly houses, and that Brother Theodore, 93 years young, was recently hospitalized. You are encouraged to send a get-well message to him c/o Box 85 Stockton, NY 14784. As for Professor Corey - "However!" These are the last of the surrealist stand ups, I believe, although Brother T., whom I had the pleasure of working with in Henry Jaglom's "A Safe Place" was an advocate of "Quadrupidism -- Down on all fours! Forward March!!!"
"Cancer is good for the priorities. Traffic, for one thing, is not worth getting upset about...you look at those fools honking, getting steamed, cutting in front of you, and you just think: 'Hey, it's not a malignant tumor, you know?'" - Molly Ivers, Star Telegram
+++++++++++(SEPTEMBER 10, 2000)++++++++++ * FIRESIGN SITE: www.firesigntheatre.com * FIRESIGN PRODUCT: www.lodestone-media.com * FUNNY TIMES: www.funnytimes.com * PLANET PROCTOR: http://www.planetproctor.com
PLANET PROCTOR (C) 2000 by Phil Proctor
Subject: PP errata! Date: Sun, 10 Sep 2000 22:06:48 -0400 From: "phil proctor" <PProctor@compuserve.com To: "1" <pproctor@compuserve.com
"In Hollywood, awards are like hemorrhoids; sooner or later, every asshole gets one." -- Billy Wilder at a tribute to Barbara Stanwyck
SURREALISTS RULE! I've been informed that Brother Theodore, 93 years young, was recently hospitalized. You are encouraged to send a get-well message to him c/o Box 85 Stockton, NY 14784. He's one of the last of the great surrealist stand ups, even though Brother T., whom I had the pleasure of working with in Henry Jaglom's "A Safe Place" is an advocate of "Quadrupidism -- Down on all fours! Forward March!!!"
-- Have a magic day and pass it on. Magic Mike http://funandmagic.com/Subject: White Sands Dunes, Ode To Texas Date: Mon, 11 Sep 2000 08:49:46 -0700 From: "Magic Mike" <mmb Organization: http://funandmagic.com/ To: "you" <mmb
Hi, Here is a wonderful photo of a yucca catcus on the dunes of White Sands. http://funandmagic.com/photolinks2.htm . The previous photo, that I didn't mention in an email, is of the Spirograph Nebula. It is now archived on Page 54, whose link is now fixed. I have added a few NEW things to the bottom of the photolinks2 listings. See an explanation of stellar evolution, an explanation of the conditions after the Big Bang, and a very funny piece called Star Trek, The Last Generation. Here are the jokes, be sure to see The Ode To Texas. -Magic Mike
Top Ten Rejected Slogans For Firestone Tires
10. "Safer than a Russian sub."
9. "The perfect gift for your mother-in-law."
8. "Because there's a lot riding on your lawsuit."
7. "Better than driving around on your axles, right?"
6. "Pop a set on your car today."
5. "C'mon, did you really expect good tires on a new Ford?"
4. "Reinforcing the importance of the speed limit."
3. "Hey, it's not like we crashed our blimp or something."
2. "Best Blow Job In Town' 1. "You can't recall a better tire."
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In the mood for joking, a vacationer strolled over to a farmer working in a field and asked, "Did you happen to see a wagon load of monkeys go by?"
"Nope," replied the farmer. "Did you fall off?"
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Procrastinator's Rules
Always decide not to decide, unless you decide to change your mind.
Always begin, start, initiate, take the first step, and/or write the first word, when and if you get around to it.
The work cycle is not plan/start/finish, but is wait/plan/plan. But think about it first.
Never put off until tomorrow what you can forget about forever.
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"When you get older"
You don't know real embarrassment until your hip sets off a metal detector.
She's getting crows feet around her eyes. And I'll tell you, that crow has big feet!
Let's face it, traveling just isn't as much fun when all the historical sites are younger than you are.
You know you're past your prime when every time you suck in your gut, your ankles swell.
I don't like to do things now that I did 20 years ago like look in the mirror.
Heck, I don't feel a day older than I did a hundred years ago.
I'm suffering from Mallzheimer's disease. I go to the mall and forget where I parked my car.
Age always corresponds inversely to the size of your multi-vitamin.
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"One time the power went out in my house and I had to use the flash on my camera to see my way around. I made a sandwich and took fifty pictures of my face. The neighbors thought there was lightning in my house."
-- Steven Wright
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I am a member of a group that reenacts the Civil War, serving in the artillery. As a mounted unit, we have several horses, and they always get a lot of attention from the public. On Memorial Day, a self-appointed animal-rights-type came over to our "Master of Horse" and started proclaiming, "Listen here! I was raised around horses, I know horses, and you are mistreating that one there! That horse is obviously pregnant, and should not be forced to pull loads."
About that time, the horse (a gelded male) elected to urinate. One of the guys in the unit, who had heard the woman's tirade, called out, "My god! Its water's broke, and there's a leg coming out!"
The woman left quickly and quietly.
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Adolescence is the age when children try to bring up their parents.
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Love is a matter of chemistry. Sex is a matter of physics.
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I'm not saying she was ugly, but when she went camping, the bears built a fire to keep her away.
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Attorney to witness: "And where was the location of the accident?"
Witness: "Approximately milepost 499."
Attorney: "And where is milepost 499?"
Witness: "About halfway between milepost 498 and milepost 500."
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Allen was in a store that was playing Steve Miller's "Jet Liner". He said there was some kid next to him that had the lyrics completely screwed up and was singing, "Big Old Rat Had A Light On . . ."
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Two mothers were talking about a third one who had just given birth to triplets.
"You know, that only happens one in twelve-thousand times?" said the one.
"Amazing! How did she ever find time to do any housework?"
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-----Ode To Texas
The devil wanted a place on earth, Sort of a summer home. A place to spend his vacation, Whenever he wanted to roam. So he picked out Texas, A place both wretched and rough. Where the climate was to his liking, And the cowboys hardened and tough. He dried up the streams in the canyons, And ordered no rain to fall. He dried up the lakes in the valleys, Then baked and scorched it all. Then over this barren country, He transplanted shrubs from hell. The cactus, thistle and prickly pear; The climate suited them well. Now the home was much to his liking, But animal life, he had none. So he created crawling creatures That all mankind would shun. First he made the rattlesnake With it's forked poisonous tongue. Taught it to strike and rattle And how to swallow it's young. Then he made scorpions and lizards, And the ugly old horned toad. He placed spiders of every description Under rocks by the side of the road. Then he ordered the sun to shine hotter, Hotter and hotter still. Until even the cactus wilted And the old horned lizard took ill. Then he gazed on his earthly kingdom, As any creator would. He chuckled a little up his sleeve, And admitted that it was good. 'Twas summer now and Satan lay By a prickly pear to rest. The sweat rolled off his swarthy brow So he took off his coat and vest. "By Golly," he finally panted, "I did my job too well. I'm going back to where I came from. Texas is hotter than Hell"
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Excuses sent to schools by parents
My son is under the doctor's care and should not take P.E. today. Please execute him.
Please excuse Mary for being absent. She was sick and I had her shot.
Dear School: Please eckuse John for being absent on Jan. 28, 29, 30, 31, 32, and 33.
Please excuse Gloria from Jim today.
John has been absent because he had 2 teeth taken off his face.
Chris will not be in school because he has an acre in his side.
Please excuse Tom for being absent yesterday. He has diarrhea and his boots leak.
Please excuse John for being. It was his father's fault.
Please excuse Jane. She had been sick and under the doctor.
Sally won't be in school a week from Friday. We have to attend a funeral.
Please excuse my son's tardiness. I forgot to wake him up and I didn't find him until I started making the beds.
Please excuse Harriet from school yesterday. We forgot to get the Sunday paper off the porch, and when we found it on Monday, we thought it was Sunday.
Please excuse Ray from school. He has very loose vowels.
-- Have a magic day and pass it on. Magic Mike http://funandmagic.com/Subject: Koan of The Dunes Date: Wed, 06 Sep 2000 09:40:04 -0700 From: "Magic Mike" <mmb Organization: http://funandmagic.com/ To: "you" <mmb
Hi, "The top of the dunes is like a koan, the delicate shadows and gentle curves evoke the brush strokes of Japanese calligraphy. The fragile stem emerging from the stark-naked sand reminds me of the famous Zen Koan (riddle) of the Mu, or great void." Sand Dunes of the Southwest - by Laurent Martrès http://funandmagic.com/photolinks2.htm . Want money working from home? http://homework4s.com/ . -Magic Mike
By the end of the campaign, Bush will be Gored and Gore will be Bushed. (Richard Lederer)
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Sven & Ole had been business partners and best friends for years. One morning, halfway to work, Sven realized he'd forgotten his lunch, so he went back home to get it. When he got there, he found that his wife was still in bed, naked.
He says to her "Vhat's wrong vith you, voman? Vhy you vear no clothes?!?"
She looks at him and says, "I vear no clothes because I haff no clothes to vear!"
He looks at her for a moment and says, "Vhat you mean you haff no clothes to vear? You got plenty of clothes to vear! Look!"
He opens the closet & starts sliding the hangers while counting, "See! Vun dress! Two dress! Three dress! Hello, Ole, how are you?. Four dress!"
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A first-grade teacher saved a copy of a survey done in her class a few years ago. Students were asked to decide who would be better qualified to do a particular job, men or women, and why.
Some of the answers from the boys:
Doctor -- Men. They don't care what they do to sick people and they know more things to do and they don't feel much.
Chemical worker -- Men. They can hold their breath long if chemicals leak out.
School principal -- Men. They are meaner.
Sales clerk -- Men. They don't scream when they get robbed.
Coal miner -- Men. They can run faster and get out quicker.
Mail carrier -- Men. Men aren't afraid of dogs, and men can wear shorts and never freeze.
Some of the answers from the girls:
Chemical worker -- Men. Men know how fix things when they explode.
Judge -- Men. They have louder voices to yell with.
Author -- Men. Men write faster and sloppier.
Coal miner -- Men. They are better at dangerous jobs and don't scream so much.
Disc jockey -- Men. They like to talk more than women.
College professor -- Women. They listen more.
Child care worker -- Women. They know how to take care of kids better. They do it all the time when they are just moms.
Nurse -- Women. Women take care of kids when they throw up so they know how to take care of sick people.
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Solution
A little girl was asked what she wanted most for her birthday and she declared: "A baby brother."
"Daddy and I would like to give you a baby brother," said her mom, "but there isn't time before your birthday."
"Why don't you do like they do down at Daddy's factory when they want something in a hurry? Put more men on the job."
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SHE WAS SOOO BLONDE THAT...
She sent me a fax with a stamp on it.
She thought a quarterback was a refund.
She tripped over the cordless phone.
She put lipstick on her forehead because she wanted to make up her mind.
She told someone to meet her at the corner of "Walk" and "Don't Walk".
She took a ruler to bed to see how long she slept.
At the bottom of the application where is says "Sign here", she wrote Sagittarius.
If she spoke her mind, she'd be speechless.
When she heard that 90% of all crimes were around the home, she moved.
She got an AM radio. It took her 9 months to figure out that she could use it at night.
When she saw the sign in front of the YMCA, she said, "Look! They spelled Macy's wrong!".
She stood staring at the frozen orange juice because it said "Concentrate".
Why can't blondes take coffee breaks? They're too hard to re-train.
What do you call 9 blondes in a circle? A dope ring.
Why can't blondes be pharmacists? Because they can't figure out how to fit the bottle in the typewriter.
What's the definition of eternity? 4 blondes at a 4 way stop.
Why do blondes have TGIF on their shoes? "Toe goes in first".
And the best one for last......
What did the blonde say when she looked into the box of Cheerios? "OH LOOK!!! Donut seeds."
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In 1764 Wolfgang Amadeus Mozart played for the Royal Family at Versailles in France. He was even given the honor of standing behind the Queen at dinner - Mozart was only eight years old.
A day on the planet Mercury is twice as long as its year. Mercury rotates very slowly but revolves around the Sun in slightly less than 88 days.
The crocodile continually grows new sets of teeth to replace old teeth. It also cannot move its tongue. The tongue is rooted to the base of its mouth. -- Have a magic day and pass it on. Magic Mike http://funandmagic.com/Subject: Inside the heart of the Great Sand Dunes Panorama, Important NASDAQ information Date: Tue, 05 Sep 2000 10:16:44 -0700 From: "Magic Mike" <mmb Organization: http://funandmagic.com/ To: "you" <mmb
"A computer lets you make more mistakes faster than any invention in human history--with the possible exceptions of handguns and tequila."
Hi, Here is a awesome landscape photo taken far inside the Great Sand Dunes showing the vastness and height of these dunes. http://funandmagic.com/photolinks2.htm . What are you paying instate for long distance? I bet you pay over 10 cents, maybe 13 or 15. I pay 5.9 with 6 second billing and no monthly fees, charges, or contracts. It's fiber optics bought wholesale from MCI/WorldCom and sold by I-Phone. My out of state is 3.9 cents. If I was in New Jersey or Florida, or Denver , or Houston/Dallas I'd pay 3 cents!!! What are you waiting for? I PhoneBill (from 2.9¢ per minute) - Planet Earth True Cost Long Distance. Outstanding (USA-48 origination) service, featuring low international and intrastate rates. Cost varies from location to location. Online sign-up. For commercial and residential users. Web call details, updated every 6 hours. Automatic credit card payment. No monthly billing fee. http://www.cognigen.net/iphone/?phon4less . You save money and, you support my site costs, as I am the agent, Phon4less. BTW - I now have the 2.9 cent a minute phone cards, and Internet dial-up in most cities, plus 10 megs, for $12.95 per month. Get a free Motorola pager, or a cell phone, or Internet voice mail. If you are in a rural area, you can get a DISH satellite system from me. http://ld.net/?phon4less -Magic Mike
Abraham Dot Com ---------------
And lo it came to pass that the trader by the name of Abraham Com did take unto himself a young wife by the name of Dot. And Dot Com was a comely woman, broad of shoulder and long of leg. Indeed, she had been called Amazon Dot Com. And she said unto Abraham, her husband, "Why doth thou travel far, from town to town, with thy goods when thou can trade without ever leaving thy tent?"
And Abraham did look at her as though she were several saddle bags short of a camel load, but simply said, "How, Dear?" And Dot replied, "I will place drums in all the towns and drums in between to send messages saying what you have for sale and they will reply telling you which hath the best price. And the sale can be made on the drums and delivery by Uriah's Pony Stable (UPS)".
Abraham thought long and decided he would let Dot have her way with the drums, as long as he could have his way with her. And Dot said, "There will be a lot of banging in the land". And Abraham replied, "It is my most fervent wish that this be so".
And the drums rang out and were an immediate success. Abraham sold all the goods he had, at the top price, without ever moving from his tent. But his success did arouse envy. A man named Maccabia did secrete himself inside Abraham's drum and was accused of insider trading. And the young did take to Dot Com's trading as doth the greedy horsefly to camel dung.
They were called Nomadic Ecclesiastical Rich Dominican Siderites, or NERDS for short.
And lo, the land was so feverish with joy at the new riches and the deafening sound of drums, that no one noticed that the real riches were going to the drum maker, one Brother William of Gates, who bought up every drum company, in the land. And indeed did insist on making drums that would only work if you bought Brother Gates' drumsticks. And Dot did say, "Oh, Abraham, what we have started is being taken over by others".
And as Abraham looked out over the Bay of Ezekiel, or as it came to be known, "eBay," he said, "We need a name of a service that reflects what we are."
And Dot replied, "Young Ambitious Hebrew Owner Operators".
"Whoopee!" said Abraham.
"No, YAHOO!" said Dot Com.
(from Sunil)
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You can go a long way with a smile. You can go a lot farther with a smile and a gun. Al Capone
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To the tune of Madonna's "American Pie" ...
Humble Pie ----------
A long, long week ago I can still remember how the market used to make me smile
What I'd do when I had the chance Is get myself a cash advance And add another tech stock to the pile.
But Alan Greenspan made me shiver With every speech that he delivered
Bad news on the rate front Still I'd take one more punt
I can't remember if I cried When I heard about the CPI I lost my fortune and my pride The day The NASDAQ died
So bye-bye to my piece of the pie Now I'm gettin' calls for margin 'Cause my cash account's dry
It's just two weeks from a new all-time high And now we're right back where we were in July
We're right back where we were in July
Did you buy stocks you never heard of? QCOM at 150 or above? 'Cos George Gilder told you so
Now do you believe in Home Depot? Can Wal-Mart save your portfolio? And can you teach me what's a P/E ratio?
Well, I know that you were leveraged too So you can't just take a long-term view
Your broker shut you down No more margin could be found
I never worried on the whole way up Buying dot coms from the back of a pickup truck But Friday I ran out of luck
It was the day the NAAAASDAQ died
I started singin' Bye-bye to my piece of the pie Now I'm gettin' calls for margin 'Cause my cash account's dry
It's just two weeks from a new all-time high
And now we're right back where we were in July Yeah we're right back where we were in July
--
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--=
A torrential rain soaked South Louisiana, and the resulting flood waters came up about 6 feet. Mrs. Boudreaux was sitting on her roof with her neighbor, Mrs. Thibodaux, waiting for help to come.
Mrs. Thibodaux noticed a lone baseball cap floating near the house. She saw it repeatedly float far out into the front yard, then float all the way back. Her curiosity got the best of her, so she asked Mrs. Boudreaux,
"Do you see that baseball cap?"
Mrs. Boudreaux said,
"Oh yes, that's my husband's; I told him he was going to cut the grass today come Hell or high water!"
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A drunk was staggering down the main street of town. Somehow, he managed to make it up the stairs to the cathedral and into the building, where he crashed from pew to pew. He finally made his way to a side aisle and into a confessional.
A priest had been observing the man's sorry progress. Figuring the fellow was in need of some assistance, the priest proceeded to enter the other side of the confessional. The priest's attention was rewarded only by a lengthy silence. Finally he asked, "May I help you, my son?"
"I dunno." came the drunk's voice from behind the partition. "You got any toilet paper on your side?" -- Have a magic day and pass it on. Magic Mike http://funandmagic.com/Subject: Aurorae and a faint Perseid meteor above Cross Lake in Wisconsin Date: Mon, 04 Sep 2000 10:55:09 -0700 From: "Magic Magic Mike" <mmb Organization: http://funandmagic.com/ To: "you" <mmb
Hi, Last month bright aurorae occurred during the Perseid Meteor Shower. Today's desktop photo captures eerie looking aurorae and a faint Perseid meteor above Cross Lake in Wisconsin, USA. There will be higher aurorae activity as the Sun nears its period of highest activity during its eleven-year magnetic cycle. Coming up in mid-November is the Leonids Meteor Shower. http://funandmagic.com/photolinks2.htm . If you don't have a water filter, you are the water filter. -Magic Mike
One spring morning, my husband and I were in the garden looking at the flowers he had just planted. As luck would have it, a bird flew over us leaving his calling card on my clean white shirt.
When I showed my husband, he didn't miss a beat and said, "You know, dear, they sing for most folks."
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Once upon a time the government had a vast scrap yard in the middle of a desert. Congress said "someone may steal from it at night". So they created a night watchman position and hired a person for the job.
Then Congress said, "how does the watchman do his job without instruction?" So they created a planning department and hired two people, one person to write the instructions, and one person to do time studies.
Then Congress said, "how will we know the night watchman is doing the tasks correctly?" So they created a Quality Control department and hired two people. One to do the studies and one to write the reports.
Then Congress said, "how are these people going to get paid?" So they created the following positions, a time keeper, and a payroll officer, then hired two people.
Then Congress said, "who will be accountable for all of these people?" So they created an administrative section and hired three people, an Administrative Officer, Assistant Administrative Officer, and a Legal Secretary.
Then Congress said, "we have had this command in operation for one year and we are $18,000 over budget, we must cutback overall cost."
So they laid off the night watchman
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I have my changed my system for labeling homemade freezer meals. I used to carefully note in large clear letters, "Meatloaf" or "Pot Roast" or "Steak and Vegetables or "Chicken and Dumplings" or "Beef Pot Pie."
However, I used to get very frustrated when I asked my husband what he wanted for dinner because he never asked for any of those things. So, I decided to stock the freezer with what he really likes.
If you look in my freezer now you'll see a whole new set of labels. You'll find dinners with neat, legible tags that say: "Whatever," "Anything," "I Don't Know," "I Don't Care," "Something Good," or "Food." My frustration is reduced because no matter what my husband replies when I ask him what he wants for dinner, I know that it will be there waiting.
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EYE SORE
The patient said to the eye doctor, "Whenever I drink coffee, I have this sharp, excruciating pain."
The doctor replied, "Try to remember to remove the spoon from the cup before drinking."
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A REAL EARFUL
"Hey, I just heard you can download the entire Tyson-Holyfield fight from the Internet," one boxing fan mentioned to another.
"Really?" said the other man. "How much memory does it take up?"
"Very little," replied the first man. "Just two bytes."
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THEY WORK HARD FOR THE MONEY
One day a boy and his father were at the dining room table working on the boy's Social Studies homework, the chapter about government. The boy turns to his father and asks, "Dad, how many people work in the U.S. government?"
The father replies without hesitating, "Oh, about half of them."
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A WINDOW OF OPPORTUNITY
A window salesman phoned a customer. "Hello, Mr. Brown," said the sales rep. "I'm calling because our company replaced all the windows in your house with our triple-glazed weather-tight windows over a year ago, and you still haven't sent us a single payment."
Mr. Brown replied, "But you said they'd pay for THEMSELVES in 12 months."
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A SPECIAL TREAT
On vacation my nine-year-old son Ryan and I were at the pool, where two attractive women wearing skimpy bikinis were sunning themselves. I noticed that Ryan kept staring at them, but he would occasionally glance back at me. I was bracing myself for questions he might have when they got up to leave, and Ryan watched them particularly closely. Then he turned to me and asked, "Dad, can I take that candy bar those girls left behind?"
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LOVING WAYS
As Gayle was getting to know Jim and his family, she was very impressed by how much his parents loved each other. "They're so thoughtful," Gayle said. "Why, your dad even brings your mom a cup of hot coffee in bed every morning."
After a time, Gayle and Jim were engaged, and then married. On the way from the wedding to the reception, Gayle again remarked on Jim's loving parents, and even the coffee in bed. "Tell me," she said, "does it run in the family?"
"It sure does," replied Jim. "And I take after my mom."
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LETTING THE CAT OUT OF THE BAG
I was nervous the night my husband and I brought our three young sons to an upscale restaurant for the first time. My husband ordered a bottle of wine with the meal. When the waitress brought it, our children became quiet as she began the ritual uncorking. She poured a small amount for me to taste, and then our six-year-old piped up, "Mom usually drinks a lot more than that!"
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YOU MAY BE A COMPUTER GEEK IF...
You've ever used a computer on Friday, Saturday and Sunday of the same weekend.
You find yourself interrupting the computer store salesman to correct something he said.
The first thing you notice when walking in a business is their computer system... and offer advice on how you would change it.
You've ever mounted a magnetic tape reel.
You own any shareware.
You know more IP addresses than phone numbers.
You've ever accidentally dialed an IP address.
Your friends use you as tech support.
You've ever named a computer.
You have your local computer store on speed dial.
You can't carry on a conversation without talking about computers.
Co-workers have to E-mail you about the fire alarm to get you out of the building.
You've ever found "stray" diskettes when doing laundry.
Your computer has its own phone line - but your teenager doesn't.
You check the national weather service web page for current weather conditions (rather than look out the window).
You know more URLs than street addresses.
Your pet has a web page.
You get really excited when Yahoo adds your link.
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DON'T LEAVE HOME WITH OUT IT
A businessman called and had a question about the documents he needed in order to fly to China. After a lengthy discussion about passports, I reminded him he needed a visa.
"Oh no I don't, I've been to China many times and never had to have one of those."
I double checked the requirements and, sure enough, his stay required a visa.
When I told him this, he said, "Look, I've been to China four times and every time they have accepted my American Express Card."
-- Have a magic day and pass it on. Magic Mike http://funandmagic.com/Subject: The Coral Pink Sand Dunes-Utah, desktop toys, orgasms Date: Sun, 03 Sep 2000 11:49:55 -0700 From: "Magic Mike" <mmb Organization: http://funandmagic.com/ To: "you" <mmb
Hi, See The thin red line - the fragile edge at the peak of The Coral Pink Sand Dunes, southeast of Zion Nat'l Park in Utah, beautiful little dunes made of finely ground Navajo sandstone. http://funandmagic.com/photolinks2.htm . I have FIVE funny desktop stress relief toys for you at http://funandmagic.com/FreeHelpfulUtilities.htm .You will have a real chuckle. Now THIS is hilarious. The difference between male and female orgasms. (let it stop). mailbox:/C|/Program Files/Netscape/Users/mmb/mail/Jokes?id=39AF914F.79FB86FB%40epix.net&number=531579&part=1.2.1.2
-Magic Mike
THE BEER PRAYER
Our lager, Which art in barrels, Hallowed be thy drink. Thy will be drunk, (I will be drunk), At home as in the tavern. Give us this day our foamy head, And forgive us our spillages, As we forgive those who spill against us. And lead us not to incarceration, But deliver us from hangovers. For thine is the beer, The bitter and The lager. Forever and ever, Barmen.
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QUIPS & QUOTES
I'll bet prostitutes can claim sex toys as tax deductions. Is this a great country or what? --Ed Smith
Putt-Putt Golf would probably be more popular if they gave a $275,000 reward for getting a hole-in-one, like they do in the Masters Tournament, instead of just a free game. --Deidre Sams
If I had a dog, I'd train him to kill on command. And the command I'd use would be, "Is he friendly?" --R.M. Weiner
Ask not what your country can do for you, ask what The Man is doing TO you. --Jim Rosenberg
I think it's a good idea to always carry around some bubble wrap. That way, if anyone tries to steal your money, you can give them the bubble wrap and run away while they're distracted popping it. --R.M. Weiner
Why do fools fall in love? To reproduce and outnumber us. --Michelle Argabrite
I'm just a simple man with simple tastes and a penchant for the roasted saliva glands of arcturian sea manitee. --LeMel Hebert-Williams
If I can't get people to commit themselves on whether or not there is a square root of two, then I won't touch on God or anything here. --Tom Lehrer, 4/4/90
People trying to lose weight might do better if they could equate the calorie count on their treadmill to "guilt free" bottles of beer. --Gary Smith
Few people can be happy unless they hate some other person, nation or creed. --Bertrand Russell
If you could stack enough dollar bills to reach the moon from the top of Mount Everest, it would mean that you have WAY too much time and money. --Jay Allen
A lesson to be learned from your dog: Once you urinate on something, it's yours forever. --Christopher Johnson
I bet if the Archies had stayed together for just one more album, they'd have been inducted into the Rock 'n Roll Hall of Fame by now. That's showbiz for you. --Lev L. Spiro
I've yet to meet anybody my height who was taller than me. --Gregory Parrish
My wife says I'm too into the X-Files. Dammit! They've gotten to her! --Jim Rosenberg
If quitters never win, and winners never quit, what fool came up with, "Quit while you're ahead"?
Interesting factoid. So, what's the speed of dark?
Ask not what you can do for your country, because President Clinton is all too happy to show you. --Michelle Argabrite
How much faith does it take to be an atheist?
I get all excited when I think that someone's 1-900 sex call from a cellular phone might be passing through my body right now. --Dave Henry
Only dead fish go with the flow.
Don't miss the magic of the moment by focusing on what's to come.
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A witness to an automobile accident was testifying. The following exchange took place between the lawyer and the witness:
The lawyer: "Did you actually see the accident?"
The witness: "Yes, sir."
The lawyer: "How far away were you when the accident happened?"
The witness: "Thirty-one feet, six and one quarter inches."
The lawyer (thinking he'd trap the witness): "Well, sir, will you tell the jury how you knew it was exactly that distance?"
The witness: "Because when the accident happened I took out a tape and measured it. I knew some stupid lawyer would ask me that question."
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My students thought they were saying the pledge to the flag, but I found out that they were really saying, "I led the pigeons to the flag of the United States of America."
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The students in my third-grade class were bombarding me with questions about my newly-pierced ears.
"Does the hole go all the way through?"
"Yes."
"Did it hurt?"
"Just a little."
"Did they stick a needle through your ears?"
"No, they used a special gun."
Silence followed, and then one solemn voice called out, "How far away did they stand?"
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In the faculty lounge of an excellent elementary school, some teachers were talking about reincarnation. One teacher remarked "If there's anything to the idea of reincarnation, I know what I'd like to come back as."
"Oh, tell us what," said a couple of colleagues.
"I'd like to come back," said the teacher, "as a childhood illness."
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An elementary school teacher, well versed in educational jargon, asked for a small allotment of money for "behavior modification reinforcers."
Her superior saw the item and asked, "What in heaven's name is that?"
"Lollipops," the teacher explained.
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Weird Science
These comments come from test papers and essays submitted to science and health teachers by elementary, junior high, high school, and college students and compiled at the NEA Life Sciences Symposium, Kansas City, Kansas.
As the originator noted, "It is truly astonishing what weird science our young scholars can create under the pressures of time and grades."
Please note that the original spelling has been left intact.
1. "The body consists of three parts - the branium, the borax, and the abominable cavity. The branium contains the brain, the borax contains the heart and lungs, and the abominable cavity contains the bowels, of which there are five - a, e, i, o, and u."
2. "Nitrogen is not found in Ireland because it is not found in a free state."
3. "H2O is hot water, and CO2 is cold water."
4. "To collect fumes of sulphur, hold a deacon over a flame in a test tube."
5. "When you smell an oderless gas, it is probably carbon monoxide."
6. "Water is composed of two gins, Oxygin and Hydrogin. Oxygin is pure gin. Hydrogin is gin and water."
8. "Blood flows down one leg and up the other."
7. "Germinate: To become a naturalized German."
9. "Respiration is composed of two acts, first inspiration, and then expectoration."
10. "The moon is a planet just like the earth, only it is even deader."
11. "Artifical insemination is when the farmer does it to the cow instead of the bull."
12. "Dew is formed on leaves when the sun shines down on them and makes them perspire."
13. "A super saturated solution is one that holds more than it can hold."
14. "Mushrooms always grow in damp places and so they look like umbrellas."
15. "The pistol of a flower is its only protections agenst insects."
16. "The skeleton is what is left after the insides have been taken out and the outsides have been taken off. The purpose of the skeleton is something to hitch meat to."
17. "A permanent set of teeth consists of eight canines, two molars, and eight cuspidors."
18. "The tides are a fight between the Earth and moon. All water tends towards the moon, because there is no water in the moon, and nature abhors a vacuum. I forget where the sun joins in this fight."
19. "A fossil is an extinct animal. The older it is, the more extinct it is."
20. Equator: A managerie lion running around the Earth through Africa."
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Mature
You KNOW your getting 'Marvelously Mature when....................
1. You and your teeth don't sleep together.
2. Your try to straighten out the wrinkles in your socks and discover you aren't wearing any.
3. At the breakfast table you hear snap, crackle, pop and you're not eating cereal.
4. Your back goes out but you stay home.
5. When you wake up looking like your driver's license picture.
6. It takes two tries to get up from the couch.
7. When your idea of a night out is sitting on the patio.
8. When happy hour is a nap.
9. When you're on vacation and your energy runs out before your money does..
10. When you say something to your kids that your mother said to you and you always hated it.
11. When all you want for your birthday is to not be reminded of your age.
12. When you step off a curb and look down one more time to make sure the street is still there.
13. Your idea of weight lifting is standing up.
14. It takes longer to rest than it did to get tired.
15. Your memory is shorter and your complaining lasts longer.
16. Your address book has mostly names that start with Dr.
17. You sit in a rocking chair and can't get it going.
18. The pharmacist has become your new best friend.
19. Getting "lucky" means you found your car in the parking lot.
20. The twinkle in your eye is merely a reflection from the sun on your bifocals.
21. It takes twice as long - to look half as good.
22. Everything hurts, and what doesn't hurt - doesn't work.
23. You look for your glasses for half an hour and they were on your head the whole time.
24. You sink your teeth into a steak - and they stay there.
25. You give up all your bad habits and still don't feel good.
26. You have more patience, but it is actually that you just don't care anymore.
27. You finally get your head together and your body starts falling apart.
28. You wonder how you could be over the hill when you don't even remember being on top of it.
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The ad in the local newspaper read: "Purebred Police Dog $25". Thinking that to be a great bargain, Mrs. Freeman ordered the dog to be delivered. The next day a van pulled up and left her the mangiest looking mongrel she had ever seen.
In a rage, she telephoned the man who had placed the ad. "What do you mean by calling that mangy mutt a purebred police dog?"
"Don't be deceived by his looks, Ma'am," he replied.
"He's in the Secret Service."
-- Have a magic day and pass it on. Magic Mike http://funandmagic.com/Subject: The majestic Great Sand Dunes of Colorado are the Date: Sat, 02 Sep 2000 09:07:58 -0700 From: "Magic Mike" <mmb Organization: http://funandmagic.com/ To: "you" <mmb
The right to be heard does not automatically include the right to be taken seriously. Hubert Humphrey
Hi, The majestic Great Sand Dunes of Colorado are the tallest in the United States and are truly magnificent. Put it on your desk at my PhotoLinks page http://funandmagic.com/photolinks2.htm . I have been losing weight by doing a lot of juicing. According to The Juiceman, you can remove surface toxic sprays on fruits and vegetables by soaking for 10 minutes in water with juice from half a lemon and 6 tablespoons of salt. It makes a weak hydrochloric acid that loosens the offending chemicals off the skin. Leafy vegetables soak for 3 minutes. Have a magic day and pass it on. Magic Mike
Therapy is expensive, poppin' bubble wrap is cheap! You choose.
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From The Gloucester Citizen: 'A sex line caller complained to Trading Standards. After dialing an 0891 number from an advertisement entitled "Hear Me Moan," the caller was played a tape of a woman nagging her husband for failing to do jobs around the house. Consumer Watchdogs in Dorset refused to look into the complaint, saying, "He got what he deserved."
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How Blonde WAS she?
She was so Blonde that...
...she wanted to visit a computer chat room, but couldn't find one near her home.
...she called the *hardware* store to check on their stock of artificial nails.
...her magician boyfriend convinced her he was with her on weekends; just invisible!
...she wore a bikini her first day in the car pool!
...she'd heard about the information superhighway, but couldn't find it on her map!
...she wanted to sign up as an *organ* donor, but all she had was a guitar!
...she called home from work, set down the receiver, then sped home to see if Call Waiting really worked...
...when told she would need a travel visa, she asked if her Master Card was OK!?!
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During a TV auction, cameras frequently scanned the volunteers manning the phones and posting bids in the background. One evening the camera zeroed in on a woman who was holding up this cardboard sign: "John, Michelle, Molly - go to bed NOW!"
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A tired young mother slowly made her way down a cafeteria line, struggling with a baby in a stroller, a one-year-old in a wheeled highchair and a three-year-old who was darting about. "I need three Jello-O desserts," the woman said to the waitress. "PLEASE make them all the same color."
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A young man at his first job as a waiter in a diner has a large trucker sit down at the counter and order, "Gimme 3 flat tires and a couple of headlights".
Bewildered he goes to the kitchen and tells the cook, "I think this guy's in the wrong store, look at what he ordered!".
The cook says, "He wants 3 pancakes & 2 eggs sunny-side up".
The waiter takes a bowl of beans to the trucker.
He looks at it and growls, "What's this? I didn't order this!".
The young man tells him, "The cook says that while you're waiting for your parts you might as well gas up!"
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The last four U.S. Presidents are caught in a tornado, and off they spin to OZ. After threatening trials and tribulations, they finally make it to the Emerald City and come before the Great Wizard.
"WHAT BRINGS YOU BEFORE THE GREAT AND POWERFUL WIZARD OF OZ? WHAT DO YOU WANT?"
Jimmy Carter steps forward timidly:
"I had a terrible time with Iran, so I've come for some courage."
"NO PROBLEM!" says the Wizard, "WHO IS NEXT?"
Ronald Reagan steps forward, "Well..,Well.., Well.., I think I need a brain".
"DONE" says the Wizard. "WHO COMES NEXT BEFORE THE GREAT AND POWERFUL OZ?"
Up steps George Bush sadly, "I'm told by the American people that I need a heart."
"I'VE HEARD ITS TRUE." says the Wizard. "CONSIDER IT DONE."
Then there is a great silence in the hall. Bill Clinton is just standing there, looking around, but doesn't say a word. Irritated, the Wizard finally asks, "WHAT BRINGS YOU TO THE EMERALD CITY?"
Clintos says, "Is Dorothy around?"
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When my grandmother was in her late eighties, she decided to move to Israel. As part of the preparations, she went to see her doctor and get all her charts. The doctor asked her how she was doing, so she gave him the litany of complaints -- this hurts, that's stiff, I'm tireder and slower, etc., etc., etc.
He responded with, "Mrs. Siegel, you have to expect things to start deteriorating. After all, who wants to live to 100?"
My grandmother looked him straight in the eye and replied, ...."Anyone who's 99."
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The maid had just been fired. Taking five bucks from her purse, she threw it to Fido, the family dog. When asked why by her former employer, she answered, "I never forget a friend. This was for helping me clean the dishes all the time!"
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At a wedding rehearsal, the minister told the father of the bride, "As you give your daughter's hand to the bridegroom, you should say something nice to him."
The father, a grocery-store manager, took the advice. During the wedding ceremony, he placed the bride's hand on his son-in-law's arm and said, "No deposit, no return."
-- Have a magic day and pass it on. Magic Mike http://funandmagic.com/
