Aside from pages about Magic Mike's magic show, there are over 400 pages and 9000 files on this site for every member of your family to enjoy. There are pages of magic, mind, fun, and knowledge. Explore the entire site that Magic Mike built looking at the links near the bottom of the page. Because there is so much content it can't be hosted on a free site. If you find this site a worthwhile resource, please support its continued hosting by donating one or two dollars a year thru PayPal's tip jar button, below. It only takes 100 people a year to keep the site online perpetually. Will you please be one of them today? Have a magic day and thanks for allowing others to enjoy it also.

Fun and Magic - Magic Mike the Magician

Children Magic | Adult Magic | Business Magic |Tavern - Restaurant Customer Builder Promotion | Learn Tie Trick. | Performer's Rights | Send Mike A Donation

This site is supported by these services, the lowest ANYWHERE. "Cleanest Water " Best filter available eight cents per gallon. " Cellular Phone Pay less than in real-world cell phone stores. Long Distance Save on international and inbound toll-free calls! Triple Play High-speed internet, TV and digital phone on same bill! High-Speed DSL Find the best high-speed provider in your area. Want a free hi-tech business and free hosted site to sell these services? Whether you own a blog, create your own web pages, or make sales in the real-world, earn top dollar for your efforts selling the best products on planet earth! Volume-based compensation plan Free personal website Free marketing tools Online reporting No cost to join Free training Magic Stuff. Children Magicians Adult Magicians Business Magicians Tavern - Restaurant Customer Builder Promotion. Tradeshow Magicians Learn Tie Trick See Magic Tricks Sales Training How to Accomplish Impossible In Sales Newspaper trick. Magicians Lessons. Balloon Lessons Market Yourself Magicians Show Photos Guestbook.html. E-mail Magic Mike Leave A Tip Send Show Deposit Home Page Mind Stuff. Inspirational Art, and Great Quotes. ESP Finding Stuff. ESP Lightning Strike Butterfly On Finger ESP Finding the Dalai Lama ESP Volcano missed ESP Predict Quakes Reincarnated Boy Tharlam Monastery Read Literature. Read The Bible Read Wisdom Sutra Read Tao Te Ching Ancient game of Go. Fun Stuff. Wallpaper photos: Space, Fine Art, Landscape, Animals Award Short Movies Award Animations. Magic Joke Parlor. Cartoon Of Day Funny Photos. Bumper Stickers Movie Previews. Movie Reviews. Aquarium Cam. Time-Lapse Photos Harry Potter Gifts Cool stuff to hear. Horoscope WDFM Penn State radio comedy 1969 I was one of the people that started the birth of FM Radio as you know it today! Info Stuff. Thousands Of Great Recipes Food & Drink Useful Links Travel, Embassies. Medical News Cancer News Natural Science Science News. Space News Newspapers. TV News News Wires Global Dimming!! Rights for Street Performers

Magic Mike's Jokes Archive #25 Jokes from the mailbox, Magic Mailouts, NASA space photo links and other great wallpaper photos, and Firesign Phil's Planet Proctor Orbits. Back to Joke Archive Entry   Magic Mike's Joke Page Parlor   Magic Mike's Home Page "Since all phenomena, is a product of one's own mind, empty of meaning, like a magician's illusion, having nothing to do with good or bad, acceptance or rejection, one might burst out in laughter." - Longchenpa, 13th century Tibetan monk. TO FIND SOMETHING USE THE EDIT/FIND IN YOUR BROWSER (TOP LEFT CORNER). Subject: new site entry, 2 great photos, many many jokes Date: Mon, 28 Aug 2000 11:19:22 -0700 From: "Magic Mike B" <mmb Organization: http://funandmagic.com/ To: "you" <you Pray to God, but keep rowing to the shore. Russian Proverb Hi, Please tell me how you like my new entry page! http://funandmagic.com/ Today's photo choices I recommend are the Horsehead Nebula and the Helix Nebula. One day our Sun may look like this. The Helix Nebula is the closest example of a planetary nebula created at the end of the life of a Sun-like star. The outer gasses of the star expelled into space appear from our vantage point as if we are looking down a helix. The remnant central stellar core, destined to become a white dwarf star, glows in light so energetic it causes the previously expelled gas to fluoresce. http://funandmagic.com/photolinks2.htm . Save them all to one wallpaper folder and use my free utilities "ScreenSaver Slideshow" or "Panorama Wallpaper Slideshow" to see them all displayed at any interval you like. Please take a look at the cleanestwater and cheap long distance pages listed at the bottom. It helps us both, but you a lot more. Have magic day. Magic Mike You've Been in Corporate America Too Long When.... 1. You ask the waiter what the restaurant's core competencies are. 2. You decide to re-org your family into a "team-based organization." 3. You refer to dating as test marketing. 4. You can spell "paradigm." 5. You actually know what a paradigm is. 6. You understand your airline's fare structure. 7. You write executive summaries on your love letters. 8. Your Valentine's Day cards have bullet points. 9. You think that it's actually efficient to write a ten page presentation with six other people you don't know. 10. You celebrate your wedding anniversary by conducting a performance review. 11. You believe you never have any problems in your life, just "issues" and "improvement opportunities." 12. You calculate your own personal cost of capital. 13. You explain to your bank manager that you prefer to think of yourself as "highly leveraged" as opposed to "in debt." 14. You end every argument by saying "let's talk about this off-line". 15. You can explain to somebody the difference between "re-engineering," "down-sizing," "right-sizing," and "firing people". 16. You actually believe your explanation in number 15. 17. You talk to the waiter about process flow when dinner arrives late. 18. You refer to your previous life as "my sunk cost." 19. You refer to your significan't other as "my co-CEO." 20. You like both types of sandwiches: ham and turkey. 21. You start to feel sorry for Dilbert's boss. 22. You believe the best tables and graphs take an hour to comprehend. 23. You account for your tuition as a capital expenditure instead of an expense. 24. You insist that you do some more market research before you and your spouse produce another child. 25. At your last family reunion, you wanted to have an emergency meeting about their brand equity. 26. Your "deliverable" for Sunday evening is clean laundry and paid bills. 27. You use the term "value-added" without falling down laughing. 28. You ask the car salesman if the car comes with a whiteboard and Internet connection. 29. You give constructive feedback to your dog. -=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-= -=-=-=-=-=--=- Medieval Pick-Up Lines - Hey, Princess, you wouldn't happen to know where a lonely knight could scabbard his sword, would you? - Been there, slain that. - Your hovel or mine? - Pardon me, madam, but wouldeth thou like to see my long sword in action? - You wanna go upstairs and see my Holy Grail? - I like the cut of your jib. - If I were that horse, I'd rather you mounted me without the saddle. - Wizard : You know, my hat isn't the only thing that's pointed. - Thy breastplate is wondrous! Wouldst thou hold my pole arm whilst I attempt to light thy fire? - Dost thou practice safe hex? - Dost thou know? That chastity belt of yours would look great on my sleeping chambers floor. - I had to swim the moat to get to you fair maiden. So, would you like to see my breaststroke? - Wench : What's that sound? Knight : That's just the sound of my chain mail drawers expanding. - Thou hast hit on me harder than the black plague! - You won't believe this but St. George just appeared to me in a vision and told me that I must bed you...the fate of England depends is on it!! - Ever see a passion play? Would you like to? - Like a mare, I can be ridden for hours. - How, you ask, did I get up here to your balcony? Well, I espied you from yonder garden. In an instant my er, heart was swelled with lust.. er, love. I had to meet you! So I ranneth over but tripped on a stone thusly pole-vaulting into your arms. - I've been VERY NAUGHTY. You'll have to put me in the stocks and...er...PUNISH me, now won't you? - C'mon, sweetie...Didn't your mother ever tell you? A cleric a day keeps the black plague away. - I lost my leg in battle. Guess what I'm walking on! - Yes, fair maiden, I am indeed a wizard. Shall I make your clothes disappear? - I'm really a prince cursed by an evil witch. Tell me, do you have sex with frogs? - My! But you are a beautiful damsel in distress! Allow me to help you out of it. - I seem to have lost my sex slave, can I borrow you for a bit? - You know, I was once imprisoned in a tower very much like Repunnzel. Only it wasn't my hair that the queen asked me to let down. - I may not be a priest, but I can get you to heaven, m'lady. - Come up to my chamber and I'll show you the largest treasure in the land. - Wanna polish my pike? - Ello, milady, thou art under siege. I shall scale thy battlements with my grappling hook! - My Lady, dost thou possess a looking glass in thine bodice? For I may surely see myself within their folds. - Milady, it's not the size of the wand that matters, but the magic within. - I have the key to your chastity belt and you have the key to my heart. - Your eyes are as dark as a castle moat by midnight. Lower your drawbridge and let me cross. - You should be glad I'm not a Viking. You would have been ravaged and plundered by now. - What's a nice maiden like you doing in a dungeon like this? - You scratch my boils and I'll scratch yours. - They don't call me Lance-A-Lot for nothing, you know. - My that's a fine set of chalices you have there. - When the Inquisition put me on the rack, my limbs weren't the only thing they stretched. -=--=-=-=-=-=-=-==-=-==-=====-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-= 15 WAYS TO COPE WITH STRESS 1. Fill out every credit card application and magazine subscription you get and have them bill you later. 2. Use your Mastercard to pay your Visa and vice-versa. 3. Pop some popcorn without putting the lid on. 4. When someone says "have a nice day", tell them you have other plans. 5. Make a list of things to do that you have already done. 6. Do your assignments in binary code. 7. Bill your doctor for time spent in his waiting room. 8. Fill-out your tax form using Roman Numerals. 9. Make up a language and ask people for directions in it. 10. Replace the filling of a Twinkie with ketchup and put it back in the wrapper. 11. Write a short story using alphabet soup. 12. Go shopping. Buy everything. Sweat in it. Return it the next day. 13. Read the dictionary upside down and look for secret messages. 14. Pay your electric bill in pennies. 15. Start a nasty rumor and see if you recognize it when it comes back to you. -=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=--=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=--=-= Sausage The waitress was waiting as patiently as he could while the smart-ass man was dawdling over the breakfast menu. He says: "I never return to a restaurant unless at least one of the sausages I'm served is a match in size for my own." The waitress replied, "In that case, sir, perhaps you should take a look at the children's menu." --=- -=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-= -=-=-=-=-=-= George was describing a 30 pound Bass he'd caught recently after fighting it for three hours. Bill interrupted the story saying, "I saw the picture you took of that fish. You're lucky if it even weighed 10 pounds." George replied, "Well . . . a fish can lose an awful lot of weight during three hours of fighting." -- -=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-= -=-=-=-=-=-=- Mary had a little lamb, she tied him to the heater. every time he'd lift his leg, he'd burn his little peter! ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ Mary had a little sheep. it went to bed with her to sleep. the sheep turned out to be a ram, and Mary had a little lamb! ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ Mary had a little lamb, her father shot it dead. now Mary takes the lamb to school between two hunks of bread. ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ Mary had a little lamb, she tied it to a pylon. 10,000 volts went up it's butt and turned its wool to nylon! ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ Jack and Jill went up the hill to fetch a pail of water. Jill forgot to take the pill, so now they have a daughter! ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ Jack and Jill went up the hill, to smoke a little leaf. Jack got high, pulled down his fly, and Jill said, "Where's the beef?" ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ Jack and Jill went up the hill for just an itty bitty. Jill's now two months overdue and Jack has left the city. -- Have a magic day and pass it on. Magic Mike http://funandmagic.com/ / Subject: MIR spectacle Date: Sat, 26 Aug 2000 00:54:05 -0700 From: "Magic Mike B" <mmb Organization: http://funandmagic.com/ To: "you" <you "One-tenth of the folks run the world. One-tenth watch them run it, and the other eighty percent don't know what the hell's going on." -Jake Simmons (1901-1981) U.S. industrialist Hi, Well Stanley, here's another fine wallpaper you've gotten me into. This dream-like image of Mir was recorded by astronauts as the Space Shuttle Atlantis approached the Russian space station prior to docking during the STS-76 mission. Sporting spindly appendages and solar panels, Mir resembles a whimsical flying insect hovering about 350 kilometers above New Zealand's South Island near the Cook Straight. http://funandmagic.com/photolinks2.htm . I was able to walk a few feet today without crutches. I've lost 2 months income to sickness, as I had the flu the month before the knee problem. Please help out, by checking out the phones savings and affordable water filters mentioned at the bottom. Not sure about the filter for you? Try a month free, or rent a filter for $19.95 a month. Write me for info or see the pages. Artificial intelligence is no match for natural stupidity. A class professor was giving a lecture on company slogans and was asking his students if they were familiar with them. "Joe," he asked, "which company has the slogan, 'come fly the friendly skies'?" Joe answered the correct airline. "Brenda, can you tell me which company has the slogan, "Don't leave home without it?" Brenda answered the correct credit card company with no difficulty. "Now John, Tell me which company bears the slogan, 'Just do it'?" and John answered, "mom." -=-=-=-=-=--=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=--=-=---- Old man Murray goes to the doctor with a very worried look on his face. "Doctor," he says, "You've got to help me. Do you remember those voices in my head I always complain about?" "Yes," the doctor replies. "Well they've suddenly gone away," Murray says. "So what's the problem?" "I think I'm going deaf." -=--=-=-=- -=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-= -=-------= These are some signs that lead to the fact that someone's been using your e-mail account... - "Honey, why is an 18-wheeler from Amazon.com backing into our driveway?" - One Secret Service agent is sitting on your head while another is slapping cuffs on you. - Apparently, your flame war with DonCorleone@mafia.com is about to turn ugly. - When you log on, your computer says, "You've got lawsuits!" - Your inbox is filled with dog porno and you're strictly a sheep porno kind of guy. :-) - Sotheby's says the Rembrandt is yours and that you now owe them $71,000,000 and change. - "The resistance welcomes your involvement. Your contact information has been forwarded to a local insurgent who will bring supplies and reinforcements to you immediately." - Your wife calls you at the office to report that Pogdi, your Pakistani mail-order bride, has arrived. -=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=--=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=--=--=-= Revised judicial oath: "I solemnly swear to tell the truth as I know it, the whole truth as I believe it to be, and nothing but what I think you need to know. -=-=--- -=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-= --- Church Bulletin Bloopers If you choose to heave during the Postlude, please do so quietly. As soon as the weather clears up, the men will have a goof outing. Congratulations to Tim and Ronda on the birth of their daughter October 12 thru 17. Diana and Don request your presents at their wedding. Glory to God in the highest, and on earth peach to men. Hymn: "I Love Thee My Ford." If you would like to make a donation, fill out a form, enclose a check and drip in the collection basket. Lent is a period for preparing for Holy Weed and Easter. Newsletters are not being sent to absentees because of their weight. Next Friday we will be serving hot gods for lunch. Nov. 11: An evening of boweling at Lincoln Country Club. Sign-up sheet for anyone wishing to be water baptized on the table in the foyer. Thank you, dead friends. The Advent Retreat will be held in the lover level of St. Mary's Cathedral. We are grateful for the help of those who cleaned up the grounds around the church building and the rector. Women's Luncheon: Each member bring a sandwich. Polly Phillips will give the medication. - -=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-= -=-=-=-=-=- THE TOP REJECTED TITLES FOR THE NEXT "HARRY POTTER" BOOK 16. Harry Potter and the Naughty Schoolmarm, Mrs. Letourneau 15. Harry Potter and the Throbbing Muscle of Love 14. Harry Potter and the Revenge of Montezuma 13. Harry Potter and the Sorcerer from NAMBLA 12. Harry Potter and the Painful Rectal Itch 11. Harry Potter and the Decline of Literacy 10. Harry Potter and the Sticky March Issue of "Hustler" 9. Harry Potter and the Sorceress's Sore 8. Harriet Potter After the Life-Altering Surgery 7. Harry Potter and the Curse of the Lisp 6. Harry Potter and the Inflatable Sheep 5. Harry Potter and Spinning Grave of Tolkien 4. Harry Potter and the Trenchcoat Mafia 3. Harry Potter and the Carnivorous Pony 2. Harry Potter and the Over-Hyped Children's Author and Clever Marketing Campaign 1. Harry Potter and the Unexplainable Wad of Tissues ~~~~~~ THE TOP 15 SIGNS YOU'RE DATING A CONTROL FREAK 15. During lovemaking, remains levitated just above a perfectly made bed and insists you do likewise. 14. Not only cuts up your steak for you, but numbers it as well. 13. The blindfold. The cuffs. The way she makes you yell "Thank you, Ms. Reno! May I have another?" 12. After you reach over to unlock his car door, he makes you do it again the *right* way. 11. He accedes to a romantic horse and buggy ride through Central Park -- *if* they let him drive. 10. Becomes furious if you have on your Tuesday socks at 11:30 PM Monday night. 9. He's carrying a copy of "Men are From Mars, Women Should Just Do What I Say." 8. "You idiot! That's not how you send a submission to the Top 5 list! Here, give me that keyboard." 7. If you use the wrong fork at dinner, she jabs the correct one into your neck. 6. When you threaten to leave her, she responds screaming, "And do what, Pretty Boy? Another AAMCO commercial?!?" 5. Swears she wouldn't correct you about your breathing if you weren't "doing it all wrong." 4. She sits on the couch and heckles that sloppy Martha Stewart Show. 3. Refuses to let you call Mia on Mother's Day. 2. His TV remote has a PIN number. 1. She keeps telling you that even though you're just a humble boy from Arkansas now, if you stick with her, you'll be President someday. -=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-= --=-=--= THE TOP 16 SIGNS YOUR MATE IS CHEATING ON YOU 16. Carpools with Divine Brown. 15. Motel 6 names him "Customer of the Year." 14. Mysterious phone calls in the middle of the night from some guy named "President Bill." 13. You intercept a love note signed by all of the Oakland Raiders. 12. That naked guy standing in the corner pretending to be a hat rack isn't fooling anyone. 11. Starts buying those lame excuses you give when you get home late from your mistress's house. 10. Glenn Close speeds by your house every twenty minutes. 9. Models new lingerie, saying, "If you were my lover, would this turn you on?" 8. The smell of Brut is all over her, and you're strictly an Old Spice man. 7. asks you how you would feel about appearing on "Jenny Jones". 6. Every night: comes home late, carves another notch in the bedpost and giggles himself to sleep. 5. The cat has that "I know something that you don't know" look. 4. Michael Irvin called her as a character witness. 3. Closet full of Gideon Bibles. 2. Raoul the pool-boy is always hanging around, and you have NO pool! 1. Amy Fisher shoots you in the head. -== -=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-= -=-=-= THE TOP 15 EUPHEMISMS FOR "GETTING YOUR PERIOD" 15. Miss Scarlett's Come Home to Tara 14. Trolling for Vampires 13. A Dishonorable Discharge from the Uterine Navy 12. Saddling Old Rusty 11. Feelin' Menstru-riffic! 10. Clean-Up in Aisle One 9. Massacre at the Y 8. T-Minus 9 Months and Holding 7. Game Day for the Crimson Tide 6. Panty Shields Up, Captain! 5. Taking Carrie to the Prom 4. Playing Banjo in Sgt. Zygote's Ragtime Band 3. Ordering l'Omelette Rouge 2. Arts and Crafts Week at Panty Camp 1. Rebooting the Ovarian Operating System -== -=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-= -=-=-=--- THE TOP 15 SONGS ON THE "SURVIVOR" SOUNDTRACK 15. "I've Got Sand in Low Places" 14. "Your Thong" 13. "I Saw Tagi Eating Lobster Claws" 12. "Raindrops Keep Snuffing Out My Torch" 11. "Rudy, Don't Take Your Love to Tagi" 10. "Oops! I'm Nekkid Again!" 9. "Get It On (Bang Pagong)" 8. "I Saw Him Standing Bare" 7. "Days of Wine and Rodents" 6. "I've Grown Accustomed to Gervase" 5. "We're Off to Eat the Lizard" 4. "The Alliance Sleeps Tonight" 3. ("Sittin' On) A Rock With a Gay" 2. "Rat's in the Ladle" 1. "Fifty Ways to Love Your Larva" -=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=--=-=-=--- The young bride made her first appointment with a gynecologist and told him that she and her husband wished to start a family. "We've been trying for months now, Doctor, and I don't seem to be able to get pregnant," she confessed miserably. "I'm sure we'll solve your problem," the doctor reassured her. "If you'll just take off your underpants and get up on the examining table..." "Well, alright, Doctor," agreed the young woman, blushing, "but I'd rather have my husband's baby." -=-=-=-=-=----=-=--=-=- Carl Rowen, the black reporter and columnist, tells about when he moved into an affluent white neighborhood years ago. A few days after the move, he went out and mowed the lawn. The man next door (who didn't realize a black family had moved in) came over and said, "Hey, it looks like you're doing a good job. I need somebody good to mow my lawn too. How much are they paying you?" Carl Rowen said, "They aren't paying me anything, but I get to sleep with the lady of the house." -- Have a magic day and pass it on. Magic Mike http://funandmagic.com/ / Subject: First Light over the Dunes Date: Thu, 24 Aug 2000 09:36:47 -0700 From: "Magic Mike B" <mmb Organization: http://funandmagic.com/ To: "you" <you Hi, Here is a great dunes photo, just after sunrise, for your desktop wallpaper. http://funandmagic.com/photolinks2.htm . You know, I had breakfast with the late Frank Herbert, writer of the "Dune" books. He was at a sci-fi convention in Fort Collins in 1976. I called him at his hotel to ask for an interview for my radio show on KTCL-FM. He invited me to meet him for breakfast first. He described how he studied sand cultures as preparation for his book. "One-Liners " My greatest fear in life is that no-one will remember me after I'm dead. -- some dead guy Never knock on Death's door. Ring the doorbell and run (he hates that). Never trust a man who, when left alone in a room with a tea cosy, doesn't try it on! Nobody can be exactly like me. Even I have trouble doing it. - Tallulah Bankhead Oh Lord give me patience... NOW! *grin* It makes "them" wonder! -=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-= -=-=-=-=-=-=-= -=- HUH??? "China is a big country, inhabited by many Chinese." Former French President Charles De Gaulle "That lowdown scoundrel deserves to be kicked to death by a jackass, and I'm just the one to do it." A congressional candidate in Texas -=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=--=--=--=-=-=-=-=-=-==---= "Used Car Buyers Guide: The Reality" MUST SELL ...before it blows up. RUNS FINE ...I was going to say "runs excellent" but I had a last-minute coincidence attack. NEEDS SOME BODY WORK ...was blindsided by a Winnebego. WELL-MAINTAINED ...I changed the oil occasionally. LOOKS LIKE NEW ...just don't try to drive it anywhere. ALL ORIGINAL ...I never had anything fixed, adjusted, or replaced. LOADED WITH OPTIONS ...each one more troublesome than the next. NEVER SMOKED IN ...unfortunately, that's the best thing I can say about it. PROJECT CAR ...doesn't run. LOTS OF POTENTIAL ...doesn't run. NEEDS MINOR REPAIR ...doesn't run. --=-=-==-=-=-=-=-=-=--=-=-=-=-==--=-=-=-=-=- Now you know A man and his wife are watching the boxing on TV. The husband sighs and says:"I'm disappointed-it was all over in four minutes." The wife replies:"Good! now you know how I feel." --=-=-=-=-=-=-=--=--=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=----= It was that time during the Sunday morning service for "the children's sermon," and all the children were invited to come forward. One little girl was wearing a particularly pretty dress and, as she sat down, the pastor leaned over and said to her, "That is a very pretty dress. Is it your Easter dress?" The little girl replied, directly into the pastor's clip-on microphone, "Yes, and my Mom says it's hell to iron." -=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-= -=-=-=-=-=-=- Subject: Don't let me be late! A little girl, dressed in her Sunday best, was running as fast as she could, trying not to be late for Bible class. As she ran she prayed, "Dear Lord, please don't let me be late! Dear Lord, please don't let me be late!" As she was running and praying , she tripped on a curb and fell, getting her clothes dirty and tearing her dress. She got up, brushed herself off, and started running again. As she ran she once again began to pray; "Dear Lord, please don't let me be late!...But don't push me either." -=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-= -=-=-=--=---=-= The little boy asked, "Mommy, where do babies come from?" His mother replied, "The stork brings them." The boy, puzzled, asks, "Then who screws the storks? -=- -=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=---=-= -=-=-=-=-= Say what you like Sam Gold made an appointment with a urologist, famous for his work in the field of impotence. The doctor examined him and said, "You're in remarkably good condition for a man of 85. Why are you here?" Sam replied, "My friend Max says he has sex twice a week. I can't do that." The doctor shrugged. "Yes you can. You can certainly say you have sex as many times a week as you like." =-=-=-=-=-=--=-=-=-=-=- Pickup line -=-=-=-=-=-=-=--=-=-=-= I'm new in town, could I get directions to your place? -=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-= -=-=-=-=-=-=--= One day, Clinton called the White House interior decorator into the Oval Office. He was furious and said, "Chelsea is very upset because she thinks she has the ugliest room in the entire White House; I want something done about it immediately!" "Yes Sir, Mr. President," the interior decorator replied. "I'll take those mirrors out right away!" -=--=-=---=-=-=-=-=-=-=-==-=-=-=-=-=-=-==-= An American and a Japanese were sitting on the plane on the way to LA when the American turned to the Japanese and asked, "What kind of 'ese' are you?" The Japanese confused, replied, "Sorry, but I don't understand what you mean." The American repeated,"What kind of 'ese' are you?" Again, the Japanese was confused over the question. The American, now irritated, loudly repeated, "Jeez, how tough is this -- what kind of 'ESE' are you? Are you ChinESE or JapanESE or VietnamESE . . . ? The Japanese gentleman replied, "Oh, I see. I'm Japanese." "Well, ok, now we're getting somewhere," the American said. A little while later, the Japanese man asked, "Excuse me, but what kind of 'key' are you?" "What? What the hell do you mean?" the irritated American answered. "You know, a monKEY or a donKEY or just a typical YanKEE?" -=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-= -=-=-=-=-=--= COMBATING DUIs Barbara Grose quoted a line from a Twin City-Valley Press story about the South Charleston Police Department receiving a grant to help it combat the DUI problem: "Proceeds of the grant will be used for the purpose of placing an additional officer on the roadways while under the influence." -==-=--=--=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=--=-=- Have a magic day and pass it on. Magic Mike http://funandmagic.com/ / Get the cleanest, cheapest water for 6 cents a gallon. http://ld.net/?phon4less Get 3 cents/minute calls. Also, cheapest phone cards. Be PAID to surf. Make money on others, too. Subject: Witches Broom Date: Wed, 23 Aug 2000 09:05:11 -0700 From: "Magic Mike B" <mmb Organization: http://funandmagic.com/ To: "you" <you Hi, The Witches Broom will sweep away a dull day when it's on your desktop wallpaper. NGC 6960, The Witch's Broom Nebula was an exploding star and the colorful expanding cloud. The rampaging gas gains its colors by impacting and exciting existing nearby gas. Put it on your desk! http://funandmagic.com/photolinks2.htm . Want to hear a Beatles song or the whole album? http://www.mogozuzu.com/beatles.htm . Need banking and credit card acceptance for your web site? Click on the banner at my site for the best deal. Hey! If you don't have a water filter, you are the water filter. / Magic Mike http://funandmagic.com/ How To Tell If A Redneck Is Working In Your Office 10. The mouse is referred to as a "critter." 9. There is a gunrack mounted on the CPU. 8. The password is "bubba." 7. Windows 95 has a Dale Earnhardt sticker on it. 6. Outgoing faxes have beer stains on them. 5. The printer goes really slow since Bubba don't read too fast. 4. The extra RAM slots have Dodge truck parts installed in them. 3. The menus all have Budweiser, Black Label, and Old Milwaukee options. 2. The monitor is up on blocks. And, The Number One Way To Tell If A Redneck Is Working At A Computer In Your Office (drum roll please).... 1. There is a skoal can in the CD-ROM drive. -=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=--=-=-=-=-=-=-= The other night, my wife and I were going out for dinner. She put on eyebrow pencil, eye shadow, eyeliner, eyelashes, mascara, toner, blush and lipstick, then turned to me and said, "Does this look natural?" -=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-= -=-=-=-=-=-=--- Murphy's Laws Of IT 1- When computing, whatever happens, behave as though you meant it to happen. 2- When you get to the point where you really understand your computer, then it's probably obsolete. 3- The first place to look for information is in the section of the manual where you least expect to find it. 4- When the going gets tough, upgrade. 5- For every action there is an equal and opposite malfunction 6- To err is human... to really screw things up royally requires a computer. 7- He who laughs last probably made a back-up. 8- A complex system that does not work is invariably found to have evolved from a simpler system that worked just fine. 9- The No. 1 cause of computer problems is computer solutions. 10- A computer program will always do what you tell it to do, but rarely what you want it to do. -=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-= -=-=-=--=-=-=-=-=- I got to thinking about my youngest the other day. As I am a world-class bullshitter, when she was much younger, I pointed outside my office window and said, "You know, down there by the creek, I once saw an Elephant." She looked at me. To see how far I could go, I said, "and a giraffe. And a hippo. And a tiger." She gave me the look that only a child of a bullshitter could. Straight into my eyes. Stern stare. "Daddy, there's no creek down there." -=-=--=-=--=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-= After hearing a shot, Todd ran next door and found his friend Jason crying. "Say, what's wrong?" Todd asked. Jason sobbed, "I had to shoot my dog." Todd said, "My God! Was he mad?" Jason replied, "Well, he wasn't exactly thrilled." -- Have a magic day and pass it on. Magic Mike http://funandmagic.com/ / Subject: Rosette Nebula Date: Tue, 22 Aug 2000 08:17:25 -0700 From: "Magic Mike B" <mmb Organization: http://funandmagic.com/ To: "you" <you Hi, In the heart of the Rosette Nebula lies a bright open cluster of stars that lights up the nebula. The stars of NGC 2244 formed from the surrounding gas only four million years ago and emit light and wind that define the nebula's appearance today. High energy light from the bright young stars of NGC 2244 ionizes the surrounding hydrogen gas clouds to create the red emission nebula appearance. Put it on your desk. http://funandmagic.com/photolinks2.htm . Here is a link to a comic strip I love, "Cats With Hands", http://www.ctoons.com/static/catshands/ and you can also get to all your favorite comics from there, too! Oh well, knee surgery at 1:30 PM today. Film at 11. Have a magic day and pass it on. Magic Mike -=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-= -=-=-=-= A wealthy old man looked around the table at his two sons and five daughters and their spouses gathered for a family reunion. "Not a single grandchild," he said with a sigh. "Why, I'll give a million dollars to the first kid who presents me with a little one to bounce on my knee. Now, let's say grace." When the old man lifted his eyes again, his wife was the only other person at the table. -== -=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-= -=-=-=-=--=- Owing to the advance in medical technology, surgical technique and the fact that silicone breast implants have been determined to be perfectly safe, a California cosmetic surgery practice is opening a new office where breast augmentation surgery is done on an outpatient basis in about 30 minutes. They are going to call the practice "Jiffy Boob." --=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=----=-=-=---=-=-=- Finger it When I lived in an apartment complex, a good friend of mine lived there also and decided it was time for her to get a boob job. Since I'd been through it, she asked me to go with her. Everything went well, and that summer we were both at the pool getting some sun. One of the regular guys in our group, who'd had his eye on my girlfriend for some time, said to me, "There's something different about your friend this year, but I can't quite put my finger on it." After I finished laughing, I said, "And you probably never will either!" -= -=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=---=-= -=-=-=-=-= "Honey," said this husband to his wife, "I invited a friend home for supper." "What? Are you crazy? The house is a mess, I didn't go shopping, all the dishes are dirty, and I don't feel like cooking a fancy meal!" "I know all that." "Then why did you invite a friend for supper?" "Because the poor fool's thinking about getting married." -- -=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-= ==-=-=-=-=- A dragonfly can fly 25 mph. A dragonfly flaps its wings 20 to 40 times a second, bees and houseflies 200 times, some mosquitoes 600 times, and a tiny gnat 1,000 times. A flea is capable of jumping 13 inches in a single leap. In human terms, this would be equivalent to a person leaping 700 feet in one bound. A fly can react to something it sees and change direction in 30 milliseconds. A grasshopper can leap over obstacles 500 times its own height. In relation to its size, it has the greatest jumping ability of all animals. A housefly can transport germs as far as 15 miles away from the original source of contamination. =-=-=-=-=-=--=-=-=-=-=- Pickup line Those clothes would look great in a crumpled heap on my bedroom floor. -==-=-== -=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-= -=-=-=-= A man went to a doctor, and said he wanted to be able to get a job at the local Post Office, but unfortunately he was too smart. The doctor asked him his IQ, and when he gave a three- digit reply, the doctor told him that the procedure would have to involve the removal of over half of his brain. The man insisted, and since the doctor just happened to have a brand new laser device which could zap just the right portions of brain tissue, the operation was planned. The laser was hooked up to a computer which could monitor the man's declining IQ on a nice bright LED display. The doctor threw the switch and the numbers began ticking off ... 95, 94, 93, ... Suddenly the phone rang. It was the doctor's wife. They gabbed for a few minutes, the doctor forgetting completely about his patient. When he hung up, he suddenly realized, and ran into the operating room, only to see the meter tick down ... 6, 5, 4, ... He ran to the machine and threw the on/off switch, just as the laser was about to wipe out the last remnant of brain. "Holy moley!" exclaimed the doctor, "What have I done? Speak to me. Say anything!" The man looked at him and said, "I, George W. Bush, announce my candidacy for President of the United States..." -- Have a magic day and pass it on. Magic Mike http://funandmagic.com/ / Subject: Meteor shower and Aurorae over Hahn's Peak, an extinct volcano in Colorado Date: Mon, 21 Aug 2000 09:19:45 -0700 From: "Magic Mike B" <mmb Organization: http://funandmagic.com/ To: "you" <you Insanity: doing the same thing over and over again and expecting different results. Albert Einstein Hi, Here's another photo of the Perseid meteor shower and Aurorae that happened August 12th. Today's photo was taken over Mt. Hahn, an extinct volcano in Colorado. http://funandmagic.com/photolinks2.htm Cut you phone bill expenses and get long distance at MCI/Worldcom's wholesale rate. When you sign up for it on my page you can get your out of state long distance for as low as 3 cents a minute. Your instate rate as low as 5.9 cents a minute, You can't find a better deal anywhere. The are NO contracts, No minimums, NO fees or charges. What ARE you waiting for? http://ld.net/?phon4less . I am going in for minor knee surgery tomorrow to trim a torn piece of midiscus. If all is well I'll be running in marathons again the folowing week. (sure!) Here's a jock quote on the subject. "I've never had major knee surgery on any other part of my body." Winston Bennett, University of Kentucky basketball forward -- -=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-= -=-=-=-=-=== Did you hear that Stop & Shop and A & P have merged? The new store's called Stop 'n' P. What's the definition of constipation? A log jam. If whiskey makes you frisky & gin makes you grin, what makes you pregnant? Two highballs and a squirt. What were Jesus' last instructions to the Polish people? "Play dumb till I get back." What did the Polish girl and the Mexican guy name their baby? Retardo. Define wet dream. Coming unscrewed. What's the sexist definition of a lesbian? Just another damn woman trying to do a man's job. What's the difference between a gay rodeo and a straight rodeo? At a straight rodeo they yell, "Ride that sucker!" -=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-= -=-== Two men were sentenced for 20 years to be in a single room with only one wish in each 10 years. The first man asked for as many books as he can put in his room, so he can read these books in the next 10 years alone. The second man was a habitual smoker. He asked for enough cigarettes to last the next 10 years. After supplying the books and cigarettes, the guards closed and locked the doors. Ten years later it was time to ask the prisoners for their second wish for the next 10 years. The first man asked for more books and reading glasses. Then they opened the door of the second man's cell. All the cigarettes were still there, and he was acting quite insane. The guards asked him what he wanted for his second wish, and the man screamed out, "A lighter!!! A lighter!!!" -=-=-=-=-=--=---=-=-=-=-=-=-=--=- FLAWED LOGIC A drunk motorist, caught for speeding, explained to the policeman that he was too drunk to drive safely, so he was hurrying home before he caused an accident. -==-=- -=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=---=-= -= My friend says her sex life is like having candy while on a diet. She doesn't get much but when she does it sure is good. =-- -=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-= -=- Age Three old ladies were sitting on a bench outside a nursing home. About then an old man walked by, and one of the old ladies said, "We bet we can tell how old you are." The old man said "There ain't no way you can guess it." One of the old ladies said: "Sure we can. Drop your pants!" He did. The three ladies looked at him for a few moments and then the other lady said, "Take off your underwear". The guy dropped his underwear and the old ladies stared at him for a while longer and then they all piped up and said, "You're 84 years old!!" The old man was stunned. "Amazing. How did you guess that?" The old ladies laughed, "You told us yesterday". -=-=--=- -=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-= ===-- Manual Sex Manual For Computer Experts 1. Be user friendly 2. Take bytes (nibbles ...!) 3. Fondle joystick 4. Spread sheet 5. Fix surge protector 6. Activate hardware 7. Insert disc, all the way (yes! yes!) 8. Do it 'til it megabytes 9. Back it up 10. Eject floppy -=--=-=-=-=-=-==-=-=-=-=-=-=-=--=-=-= If electricity comes from electrons, does that mean that morality comes from morons? -=-=-=-=-=-=-=--=-=-=-=-=---=-=-= At a party, a woman was observing a child who would hold his chest whenever he bent down. After a few minutes, the woman asked the kid, "Why do you hold your chest whenever you bend down?" The kid said, "One day, my teacher was writing on the board, the chalk fell down, and when my teacher bent down to pick up the chalk, I saw her lungs comes out of her chest." -=--=-=--=-=--=-=-=--=-=-=--=--== Re:Rejected Rejection Dear Ms. Ezell: Thank you for your letter of July 17. After careful consideration I regret to inform you that I am unable to accept your refusal to offer me employment with your firm. This year I have been particularly fortunate in receiving an unusually large number of rejection letters. With such a varied and promising field of corporate candidates it is impossible for me to accept all refusals for employment. Despite your company's outstanding qualifications and previous experience in rejecting applican'ts, I find that your rejection does not meet with my needs at this time. Therefore, I will initiate employment with your firm immediately following graduation. I look forward to seeing you then. Best of luck in rejecting future candidates. Sincerely, Robert Rodriguez -- Have a magic day and pass it on. Magic Mike http://funandmagic.com/ / Get the cleanest, cheapest water for 6 cents a gallon. http://ld.net/?phon4less Get 3 cents/minute calls. Also, cheapest phone cards. Be PAID to surf. Make money on others, too. Subject: Amazing Aurora from Solar Mass Ejection Meets Meteor Shower over Mount Megantic Date: Sun, 20 Aug 2000 09:32:25 -0700 From: "Magic Mike B" <mmb Organization: http://funandmagic.com/ To: "you" <you To keep your marriage brimming, with love in the wedding cup, whenever you're wrong, admit it; whenever you're right, shut up. Ogden Nash Hi, Here's a GREAT desktop wallpaper photo. "Plasma from the Sun and debris from a comet both collided with planet Earth last Saturday morning triggering magnetic storms and a meteor shower in a dazzling atmospheric spectacle. The debris stream from comet Swift-Tuttle is anticipated yearly, and many skygazers already planned to watch the peak of the annual Perseids meteor shower in the dark hours of August 11/12. But the simultaneous, widely reported auroras were triggered by the chance arrival of something much less predictable -- a solar coronal mass ejection. This massive bubble of energetic plasma was seen leaving the active Sun's surface on August 9, just in time to travel to Earth and disrupt the planet's magnetic field triggering extensive auroras during the meteor shower's peak! Inspired by the cosmic light show, Sebastien Gauthier photographed the colorful auroral displays above the dramatic dome of the Mount-Megantic Popular Observatory in southern Quebec, Canada. Bright Jupiter and giant star Aldebaran can be seen peering through the shimmering northern lights at the upper right." - APOD http://funandmagic.com/photolinks2.htm . TOP 10 REASONS WHY CYBER SEX IS BETTER 10. If the date goes bad, changing your Screen Name is easier then changing your real name. 9. Bathing, dressing, supplying atmosphere is optional. 8. If you get drunk and blackout, you only wake up next to a keyboard. 7. You can exercise your offensive habits without embarrassing yourself. 6. Viagra! Who needs Viagra? 5. Your partner could have more of a personality than your inflatable friends. 4. Three words: No shotgun weddings. 3. All guys look like George Clooney and all women like Pamela Anderson. 2. They never have to know you live in your parents basement. 1. If you catch a virus, only your computer dies. -=- -=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-= -=-=-=--= My wife and I always kiss each other goodnight. It's like touching gloves before we spend the night fighting over the covers! -==-=-=-=-=-=---=-=-=-=-=-=-=- Women and newspapers Women are like newspapers because... - Older ones are not in demand. - They're well worth looking over. - They have a great deal of influence. - You can't believe everything they say. - They always have the last word. - You should really get your own and not go borrowing your neighbor's. -=-- -=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-= -=-=-=-= Ole and Lena had married under none too happy circumstances, and their married life had not been anything to brag about either. But when, after they had been lived together for thirty five years, Ole went to the local judge to ask for an annulment, the whole of Middleton gasped with amazement. A date for the hearing was set, however, and when the time came the judge demanded to know the grounds on which Ole based his demand for an annulment. "It's like this, your Honor," answered Ole, "I've just learned that Lena's father never had a license to carry a gun." -=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-= --=-=- The astronauts in the Sea of Tranquility were amazed to discover that the moon actually did contain large underground deposits of cheese. Once outside the LEM, they climbed into the LTV and drove across the lunar surface to obtain samples. In one location they discovered a large deposit of brie and collected 25 pounds to bring back to earth. They drove to a second location and collected 50 pounds of camembert. In a third location they hit a vein of cheddar and collected another 50 pounds of samples. Mission Control crackled through their headsets that it would not be satisfied unless they brought back at least another 25 pounds of brie. The astronauts turned their LTV around and proceeded to the first location where they collected another 25 pounds of the cheese. The astronauts were almost back to the LEM when Mission Control radioed that it wanted another 25 pounds of brie. Disgruntled, one of the astronauts sarcastically snapped into his microphone, . "Have you ever seen such a site in your life as brie mined thrice?" -=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=--=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=- A mother was teaching her three year old daughter The Lord's Prayer. For several evenings at bedtime, she repeated it after her mother. One night she said she was ready to solo. The mother listened with pride, as she carefully enunciated each word right up to the end..."And lead us not into temptation", she prayed, "but deliver us some e-mail, Amen." -=-=-=-=-=-=- -=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-= From a passenger cruise ship, everyone can see a bearded man on a small island who is shouting and desperately waving his hands. "Who is it?" a passenger asks the captain. "I've no idea. Every year when we pass, he goes nuts." - -=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-= -=-=-=-=-=-=-= - On a packet of juggling balls: "This product contains small granules under 3 millimeters. Not suitable for children under the age of 14 years in Europe or 8 years in the USA." Seen on a camera: "This camera only works when there is film inside." On a bottle of flavored milk drink: "After opening, keep upright." On a can of windscreen de-icing spray: "Spray works in sub-zero temperatures." On a can of insect spray: "Kills all kinds of insects! Warning: this spray is harmful to bees." A different brand of insect spray: "Kills flies, wasps, mosquitoes, midges, and other flying insects. Not tested on animals." On an ocean buoy for determining the position of submarines: "Protect from seawater." -=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=--=-=-=-=-=- In law, nothing is certain but the expense. Samuel Butler -=-=-=-=-==-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=--=-= Birds are grouchy in the morning because their bills are over dew. -=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=---=--=-=-=-= What do you give a man who has everything? Antibiotics. -==-=-=-=---=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=- The car sped off the highway, went through the guardrail, rolled down a cliff, bounced off a tree and finally shuddered to a stop. A passing motorist, who had witnessed the entire accident, helped the miraculously unharmed driver out of the wreck. "Good lord, mister," he gasped, "are you drunk?" "Of course," said the man, brushing the dirt from his suit. "What the hell do you think I am -- a stunt driver?" -=-=-----=-=-=--=-=-=-=----=----=- When your wife asks, "Do I look fat"? The correct response is, "Do I look stupid"? -=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=--=-=--=-=- Three young people met at a coffee hour following the Church service. The first young man said, "My name's Paul, but I'm not an apostle." The second in keeping with the first fellow's lead said, "Well, my name's Peter, but I'm not a saint." The last of the trio, a pretty young lass said, "Gee, my name's Mary, but I don't know what the hell to say." - -=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-= -=-=-=-=-=-=-= -= How can you tell if a Texas redneck is married? There is dried chewing tobacco on both sides of his pickup truck. Marriage is the most expensive way I know of for each partner to discover all of the other's faults. I used to think that all the king's horses and all the king's men to fix one guy was a bit excessive. Then I realized they must have had a really strong union. -=-=-=-=-==-==-==-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=---= A Sunday School teacher asked her class why Joseph and Mary took Jesus with them to Jerusalem. A small child replied, "They couldn't get a baby-sitter." -=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-= -=-=-=-=-- Billy was excited about his first day at school. So excited in fact, that only a few minutes after class started, he realized that he desperately needed to go to the bathroom. So, Billy raised his hand politely to ask if he could be excused. Of course, the teacher said yes, but asked Billy to be quick. Five minutes later Billy returned, looking more desperate and embarrassed. "I can't find it," he admitted. The teacher sat Billy down and drew him a little diagram to where he should go and asked him if he would be able to find it now. Billy looked at the diagram, said "yes" and went on his way. Well, five minutes later he returned to the classroom and said to the teacher, "I can't find it." Frustrated, the teacher asked Tommy, a boy who has been at the school for a while, to help him find the bathroom. So, Tommy and Billy go together and five minutes later they both return and sit down at their seats. The teacher asks Tommy, "Well, did you find it?" Tommy is quick with his reply, "Oh sure, he just had his boxer shorts on backwards." =-=-=-=-=-=--=-=-=-=-=- Pickup line If I gave you a sexy negligee, would there be anything in it for me? -- Have a magic day and pass it on. Magic Mike http://funandmagic.com/ / Get the cleanest, cheapest water for 6 cents a gallon. http://ld.net/?phon4less Get 3 cents/minute calls. Also, cheapest phone cards. http://funandmagic.com/paid2surf.html Be PAID to surf. Make money on others, too. Subject: Unusual Galaxy Date: Wed, 16 Aug 2000 17:46:31 -0700 From: "Magic Mike B" <mmb Organization: http://funandmagic.com/ To: "you" <you Hi, This is a great wallpaper photo of an Unusual Galaxy. It has both spiral and elliptical features, maybe from a collision in the past http://funandmagic.com/photolinks2.htm . Looks like my knee problem is some torn cartilage and I will have an MRI tomorrow to confirm and minor surgery to corret it on Tuesday I asked if I would be able t play the piano afterwards. Firesign Theater's Phil Proctor has another Planet Orbit for you, as the 1st piece today. I saw Phil's cameo on The Perfect Candidate. The beard looked very distinguished, Phil. Sleeping Beauty, Tom Thumb and Quasimoto were all standing around one day, comparing their attributes. Sleeping beauty says "I bet I'm the most beautiful woman in the world." Tom Thumb said "I bet I'm the smallest person in the world." Quasimoto said "I bet I'm the ugliest person in the world." So they all agreed to go to Guinness Book of Records to find out. Sleeping Beauty goes in , comes out a few minutes later looking very happy... "Yes, that settles it, I'm the most beautiful woman in the world." Tom Thumb goes in, comes out a few minutes later, looking satisfied, "Yep, I'm the smallest person in the world." Quasimoto goes in, comes out a few minutes later, looking all forlorn and says, "Who's Linda Tripp?" -=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-= -=-=-=-=-=-=- Subject: PP 2000/19 Date: Wed, 16 Aug 2000 02:05:27 -0400 From: "phil proctor" <PProctor@compuserve.com To: "3" <pproctor@compuserve.com (((((((((((((((((( PLANET PROCTOR 2000/19 - http://www.planetproctor.com "Read My Lips -- No New Texans!!" - Sign at Gore/Lieberman rally STRANGER THAN FRICTION A man in a pink pig suit was pictured being cuffed by "pigs" on the front page of the L.A. Times Sunday "Convention 2000" section. Behind him is a truck that has just dumped four tons of horse manure in front of DNC headquarters as off-camera Animal Rights protesters chanted, "Meat is murder!" The headline is -- "And This Little Piggy Got Busted." Danny Mann noted (between strike bulletins), that in a painful quirk of geography, the street leading from the Madeleine church in Paris where a memorial for the recent Concorde crash victims were held, goes directly to the Place de la Concorde; so as the mourners filed out, the first thing they saw was a prominent street sign bearing the single word: "Concorde." Then there's Audrey Kishline, who created "Moderation Management" promoting the idea that problem drinkers can learn to control their alcohol use, and was sentenced recently to four and a half years in prison for killing two people in a head-on collision driving drunk the wrong way down Interstate 90 east of Seattle. (Reuters) But according to L.A. Times' Greg Miller, Patrick J. Naughton, former Infoseek CEO, nailed for crossing state lines to make merry with a minor, was NOT put in prison "because he has developed computer programs to help the FBI catch sexual predators on the Internet." Actor Peter Johnson wrote that this T-shirt from Bangkok sold out in one day. It read: "Save the apartheid boycott of the lesbian Nazi lettuce growers for Jesus of the nuclear whale." Peter says even if you don't believe it, "You gotta admit that that is one damn catchy slogan." Then, planeteer Rob Clotworthy gave me an article entitled "Man Convicted of Fleecing O'Hairs..." And finally, excuse me for "raising" it, but doesn't Lieberman, carefully chosen to get our minds off the man from Hot Springs' oval office follies -- translate to "Loverboy" in German? "LICK BUSH AND DICK IN 2000" - Bumpersticker for sale at news stand on Martel and Melrose HEY, MAMBO! "A little bit of Monica in my life/A little bit of Erica by my side A little bit of Rita is all I need/A little bit of Tina is what I see A little bit of Sandra in the sun/A little bit of Mary all night long A little bit of Jessica here I am/A little bit of you makes me your man..." According to the Drudge report and TIME magazine, this song about womanizing, "Mambo No. 5", kept the delegates "up" between speeches at the opening of the Democratic National Convention. "Obviously we're not using the original lyric," says convention planner Gary Smith, who rewrote it with names of states instead of women. "Omigod! I'm on TV! Omigod!" - Interview with hometown friends of one of the "Survivors". MR. GREEN GENES **Genetically Modified Specials! Soon at your local market!!!!** Caffeinated Oranges -- the one-stop breakfast! Super Jumbo Eggs -- one serves 12! Odorless Fish! Multi-Vitamin Lamb Shank! Personal-sized Turkeys -- pop 'em like quail! Hamcheese - your multi-purpose cold cut! Long Lasting Lettuce -- 6 months guarantee, fridge or no! With Genome-specific Dressing that matches your DNA! Rectangular Zucchini -- easy to grill! Viagra Peas - he'll never know (but YOU will!) Ibuprofen Tomatoes!! Pink Bananas -- kids love 'em!! And Protein Potatoes -- who needs meat!? **Eat them all -- before they eat you!!!!** "Piano Player Wanted: Must Have Knowledge of Opening Clams" - Sign in window in Montauk, NY. YOU HAVE BEEN WARNED! On a blanket from Taiwan: NOT TO BE USED AS PROTECTION FROM A TORNADO. On a helmet-mounted mirror used by US cyclists: REMEMBER, OBJECTS IN THE MIRROR ARE ACTUALLY BEHIND YOU. On a Taiwanese shampoo: USE REPEATEDLY FOR SEVERE DAMAGE. On the bottle-top of a (UK) flavored milk drink: AFTER OPENING, KEEP UPRIGHT. On a New Zealand insect spray: THIS PRODUCT NOT TESTED ON ANIMALS. In a US guide to setting up a new computer: TO AVOID CONDENSATION FORMING, ALLOW THE BOXES TO WARM UP TO ROOM TEMPERATURE BEFORE OPENING.Sensible, but the instruction was INSIDE the box.) On a Japanese product used to relieve painful hemorrhoids: LIE DOWN ON BED AND INSERT POSCOOL SLOWLY UP TO THE PROJECTED PORTION LIKE A SWORD-GUARD INTO ANAL DUCT. WHILE INSERTING POSCOOL FOR APPROXIMATELY 5 MINUTES, KEEP QUIET. On a Swedish chainsaw: DO NOT ATTEMPT TO STOP CHAIN WITH YOUR HANDS OR GENITALS. In some countries, on the bottom of Coke bottles: OPEN OTHER END. On a hotel-provided shower cap: FITS ONE HEAD. On packaging for a Rowenta iron: DO NOT IRON CLOTHES ON BODY. (From Lenny Weinrib) "Everybody celebrates St. Patrick's day in a different way. Like in New York, it's big parade. In Chicago, they dye the river green. And in Texas, they execute a leprechaun." - Jay Leno FOOD FOR THOUGHT, GRIST FOR DE MILLE... Advertiser pays $300,000 to play a commercial; ad agency receives $45,000 as a pay-per-play commission; union actor receives $122.00 as a pay-per-play residual. They want to take THAT away? Martha Mayakis, a casting director with the Voice Caster, says in Back Stage West: "I'm meeting some talented non-union performers, but I try to give them the strongest impression that the [union] people who've trained at this for years are really remarkable -- and they're worth what they get paid..." Casting director Terry Berland adds, "Most of the time the client's need is met. But I really believe that...voiceover...is going to put even more pressure on the ad agencies to resolve this ..." I couldn't have said it better myself. Well - I could, but I won't cross the line, or even say one, if it's not a union gig. But as this cursed strike drags on (thanks to our non-negotiating advertising adversaries), I know things are getting really tight because I received a letter from a realty company signed -- "Jason Alexander"! (TRUE!) "It's a sign of sanity to distrust power and to want to examine that which is perceived as power." - John Malkovich in "Playboy". OILS WELL THAT ENDS WELL "There are a lot of folks that can't understand how we ran out of oil here in the USA. Well, here's the answer: It's simple -- nobody bothered to check the oil. Didn't know we were getting low. And of course the reason is geographical. All the oil is in Texas and Oklahoma and Alaska, and all the dipsticks are in Washington, D.C." -- (From Zobo Bongo Davis) "If you want to live like a Republican, vote Democrat." - Harry Truman IT JUST SOUNDS FUNNY... Now that Joe Lieberman is Al Gore's running mate, here are some possible scenarios if an Orthodox Jew should actually make it to the White House:(Most of this is impenetrable to an Old Amish/Catholic like me, but I laughed nonetheless) 1) State of The Union Address would end with an appeal. 2) Air Force One grounded on Shabbos and Yomim Tovim, and seats reconfigured to allow space for minyanim. 3) Young Israel of Pennsylvania Avenue due to open across the street. 4) Supreme Court justice's robes to be routinely checked for shatnez. 5) Mohel appointed Surgeon General. 6) Traditional Easter Egg Hunt on White House lawn replaced by bedikas chometz. 7) Israeli diplomats visiting White House for State dinners will have to pre-order treyf meals, or risk having to eat glatt kosher. 8) First Lady's inaugural gown to be ordered with matching snood. 9) National Prayer breakfast to conclude with ecumenical learning of Daf Yomi. 10) Secret Service to confer with local Orthodox Rabbis to discuss feasibility of enclosing the White House and Capitol in an eruv. (From Rabbi Margolis) "GORE/LIEBERMAN IN 5761" - Bumper sticker available on Fairfax. LOST AND FOUND (I found this chilling sign of the times at a Beverly Hills Kinko's): "I'm sure I have been alienated by the Mrs Clinton computer and mybody has been wired unwittingly. I was told to pick up a check for $50,000,000 dollars payable from the CIA on 8-9-00? Also on 8-9-00 my drivers license was stolen. Please make sure my check is not stolen and cashed. I have not received the check. I want to join the CIA and I would like training. Please page me." (PS: If any one finds this check, please contact me!) "The last Busch/Chaney ticket was 'The Unholy Three'(1925) - That's Mae and Lon, not George W. and Dick..." - Brian Westley THROW ANOTHER BARBIE ON THE BARBIE At last! NEW Barbie dolls that coincide with her true age. .. * Bifocals Barbie. Comes with her own set of blended-lens fashion frames in six wild colors (half-frames too!), neck chain and large-print editions of Vogue and Martha Stewart Living. * Hot Flash Barbie. Press Barbie's bellybutton and watch her face turn beet red while tiny drops of perspiration appear on her forehead. Comes with hand-held fan and tiny tissues. * Facial Hair Barbie. As Barbie's hormone levels shift, see her whiskers grow. Available with teensy tweezers and magnifying mirror. * Flabby Arms Barbie. Hide Barbie's droopy triceps with these new, roomier-sleeved gowns. Good news on the tummy front, too - muumuus with tummy-support panels are included. * Mid-life Crisis Barbie. It's time to ditch Ken. Barbie needs a change, and Fred (her personal trainer) is just what the doctor ordered, along with Prozac. They're hopping in her new red Miata and heading for the Napa Valley to open a B&B. Includes a tape of "Breaking Up Is Hard to Do." * Divorced Barbie. Sells for $199.99. Comes with Ken's house, Ken's car, and Ken's boat. * Recovery Barbie. Too many parties have finally caught up with the ultimate party girl. Now she does Twelve Steps instead of dance steps. Comes with a little copy of The Big Book and a six-pack of Diet Coke. * Post-Menopausal Barbie. This Barbie wets her pants when she sneezes, forgets where she puts things, and cries a lot. She is sick and tired of Ken sitting on the couch clicking through the channels. Comes with Depends and Kleenex and the book "Getting In Touch with Your Inner Self". (Edited and Uncredited!) "I stayed up all night playing poker with tarot cards. I got a full house and four people died." - Steven Wright O-BIT YOUR LIFE Exit left, Loretta (Gretchen Michaela) Young, or "Gretch the Wretch" to her sisters. She had a long and bizarre career. She said of her film work: "You had fun if you did your work well. There was no such thing as kidding around or joking. It was a dead serious business." Now with an emphasis on "dead". And a standing ovation for Sir Alec Guiness, the common-looking chap who lives on in so many guises, and who was once told by a headmaster when trying out for a school play, "You'll never make an actor, Guiness." He joined the Drama Society nonetheless, and the rest is histrionics. And finally, Charles Nelson Reilly, who everybody thinks is dead, is actually very much alive and receiving standing ovations every night for his brilliant and hilarious one man show "Save It For the Stage: The Life of Reilly" directed by the equally gifted actor/director, Paul Linke. Many of Reilly's tales came from his experiences in NYC in the 60s, when I was also there studying with Uta Hagen as did he; and the audience he draws is almost as fascinating as his life as an actor, director and teacher. We, for example, sat next to Suzanne Pleshette and Tom Poston. See it if you can at the Falcon Theater in Burbank, because when it opens in NY, he may have to spread the stories out over two or three evenings! "Over the years, [Hugh] Hefner has used his publishing empire - and his world-famous parties - as a sort of bunny pulpit." - Greg Krikorian in the L.A. Times on the Loretta Sanchez fund-raising fiasco. STRIKE TO END ON SEPTEMBER 21ST!! That's right! That's the day Melinda and I are off to Ireland, and as everybody knows in our business, if you want work, you have to leave town! We'll be flying first to Cork, to pull a few, kiss the Blarney Stone, and search for my Amish/Irish ancestors the McGonegals and O'Connors; then we drive on to Kilarney and other green spots before ending our trip in Dublin, from whence the Proctors come. I return October 11, for the taping of The Firesign Theatre's PBS Special "Weirdly Cool" under the direction of Ron Ames of CRASH Films. We plan to have the show finished for a March premiere during Philadelphia's WHYY pledge week! Slante! +++++++++++(SEPTEMBER 15, 2000)++++++++++ * FIRESIGN SITE: www.firesigntheatre.com * FIRESIGN PRODUCT: www.lodestone-media.com * FUNNY TIMES: www.funnytimes.com * PLANET PROCTOR: http://www.planetproctor.com PLANET PROCTOR (C) 2000 by Phil Proctor -- Have a magic day and pass it on. Magic Mike http://funandmagic.com/ / Get the cleanest, cheapest water for 6 cents a gallon. http://ld.net/?phon4less Get 3 cents/minute calls. Also, cheapest phone cards. Be PAID to surf. Make money on others, too. Subject: Fun guy Date: Tue, 15 Aug 2000 11:48:37 -0700 From: "Magic Mike B" <mmb Organization: http://funandmagic.com/ To: "you" <you Hi, Here is a forest floor featuring fungi. It makes nice wallpaper, http://funandmagic.com/photolinks2.htm from Reiner's Photo Gallery . This is my 4th day on crutches. Actually I am not on them much at all. I'm either in my chair with leg up or in bed. I see an Ortho-surgeon tomorrow to try to see what is wrong. No clues as yet. ----=-=-=---=-=--=--=---=-= Would you like to trim your bill and eliminate to cost of going online? Here's over a dozen free dial-up services. http://www.scfn.net/scfn/free_services/isps.html . -==-=-=-=-=-------=-=--- My computer is so fast. Before yours can boot up, mine has already crashed three times! --=-== -=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-= -=-=-=-=-= Why does the Chinese ideogram for trouble symbolize two women living under one roof? -=- -=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=---=-= -=- Two privates stationed at Fort Campbell were handed shovels and told to bury a large, dead animal. While digging they got into an argument about what they were burying. "This here's a big mule!" "Tain't no mule, this here's a donkey." "Mule!" "Donkey!" Well, this went on for a while until the camp Chaplain came by. "What are you boys doing?" he asked. "We're diggin' a grave for this mule." "Donkey, dammit!" The chaplain cut in, "Boys, this isn't either one, it's an ass." An hour later, the camp commander came up and said, "What are you men doing, digging a foxhole?" "No sir. We're diggin' an asshole." =-== -=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-= A squad of American soldiers was patrolling along the Iraqi border. To their surprise, they found the dead body of an Iraqi soldier in a ditch along the road. A short distance up the road, they found a badly mangled American soldier in a ditch on the other side of the road, who was still barely alive. They ran to him, cradled him and asked him what had happened? "Well," he whispered, "I was walking down this road, armed to the teeth. I came across this heavily armed Iraqi border guard. I looked him right in the eye and shouted, 'Saddam Hussein is an unprincipled, lying SOB!'" He looked me right in the eye and shouted back, "Bill Clinton is an unprincipled, lying SOB!" "We were standing there shaking hands when the truck suddenly hit us." -=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-= -=-=-=-=-=-=-= A greyhound carrying only blonde people crashes into something very tough, and everyone inside dies. They get to meet their maker, and because of that 400 years of grief, He decides to grant them one wish each, before entering paradise. They're all lined up, and God asks the first one what the wish is. "I want to be a brunette," the answer is. God snaps His fingers, and it is done. The second one in line hears this and says "Then I want to be a brunette too." Another snap of His fingers. This goes on for a while, snapping fingers and all, but when God is halfway down the line, the last guy in line starts laughing. When there are only ten people left, this guy is rolling on the floor, laughing his head off. Finally, God reaches this guy and asks him what his wish will be. The guy calms down and says: "Make 'em all blondes again." -- Have a magic day and pass it on. Magic Mike http://funandmagic.com/ / Subject: Cape Schank Date: Mon, 14 Aug 2000 08:16:08 -0700 From: "Magic Mike B" <mmb Organization: http://funandmagic.com/ To: "you" <you Hi, Here is a photo I stumbled upon of Cape Schank, Australiia. http://funandmagic.com/photolinks2.htm It makes a nice wallpaper photo for your desk. Save it in a folder and use one of the free slideshow programs at my site to see them all. Face it, you're gonna have to go outside eventually. Sure, Amazon.com will deliver right to your door and now even Taco Bell does deliveries, but, mark my words: some day you're going to HAVE to push away from the computer and go . . . OUTSIDE. Here's a guide: 1. Wear Pants - Countless attempts to better oneself have been cut tragically short by leaving the house without proper attire. 2. Use Your Real Name - Sorry, but nobody will be impressed if you go by the name "2HOT4U", "Monarch" or "SATAN666." Names like "Steve" or "Greg" are just fine. 3. The Telephone is Your Friend - Hear that ringing sound? Pick up the phone. Now speak into it. 4. If Your Car Crashes, You Cannot Simply Reboot It. 5. Do Not Be Surprised That Nobody Looks Like Gillian Anderson. 6. Do Not Flame People - Comparing everyone you disagree with to unclean primates will not win you friends. In fact, you may get into a physical fight. If so, the next tip may be of help. 7. That Red Stuff is Called Blood - Not to be confused with ketchup, blood is what keeps you alive. If you are leaking, the real world offers human tech support in the form of doctors and hospitals. -=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-= -=- If you're thin, don't eat fast. If you're fat, don't eat. Fast. -= -=---=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=--=- = The caterpillar of the monarch butterfly will eventually multiply its original weight by 2,700 times. If a 7-pound newborn human gained weight at the same rate, as an adult, it would weigh well over 9 tons. Cats have no ability to taste sweet things. The gastric juices of a snake can digest bones and teeth, but not fur or hair. -== -=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-= -=-=-=- 80,000 blondes meet in the Kansas City Chiefs Stadium for a "Blondes Are Not Stupid Convention." The leader says, "We are all here today to prove to the world that blondes are not stupid. Can I have a volunteer?" A blonde steps up. The leader asks her, "What is 15 plus 15?" After 15 or 20 seconds she says, "Eighteen." Obviously everyone is a little disappointed. Then 80,000 blondes start cheering, "Give her another chance, give her another chance." The leader says, "Well since we've gone to the trouble of getting 80,000 of you and the worldwide press here, I guess we can give her another chance." So he asks, "What is 5 plus 5?" After nearly 30 seconds she eventually says, "Ninety?" The leader is quite perplexed and sighs-everyone is disheartened, the blonde starts crying and the 80,000 girls begin to yell and wave their hands shouting, "Give her another chance, give her another chance." The leader, unsure whether or not he is doing more harm than damage, eventually says, "OK!, one more chance. What is 2 plus 2?" The girl closes her eyes and after a whole minute eventually says, "Four." Through out the stadium 80,000 girls jump to their feet, wave their arms, stomp their feet and scream, "Give her another chance, give her another chance. -- Have a magic day and pass it on. Magic Mike http://funandmagic.com/ / Get the cleanest, cheapest water for 6 cents a gallon. http://ld.net/?phon4less Get 3 cents/minute calls. Also, cheapest phone cards. Be PAID to surf. Make money on others, too. Subject: Sonora Panorama Date: Sun, 13 Aug 2000 13:45:51 -0700 From: "Magic Mike B" <mmb Organization: http://funandmagic.com/ To: "you" <you Hi, Here's another Sonora desktop wallpaper. Desert Vista Organ Pipe Cactus National Monument, AZ - Late afternoon in the Monument often brings bright blue skies with puffy white clouds. The Ajo Mountain Drive loops through the eastern part of the Monument as it winds from the desert floor into the rugged mountains seen in the distance of this photograph. http://funandmagic.com/photolinks2.htm . A man spends the first half of his life learning habits that shorten the other half of his life. -=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-= -=-=-= Punishment Mr. Smith is traveling with his wife and mother-in-law in a far east country. At a place of honor his mother-in-law makes a careless remark, which the native people take as an insult to the royal family. Smith is dragged off to court with his wife and mother-in-law and are sentenced to corporal punishment. Each of them will receive 50 lashes on the rear end with a cane. But because the royal family doesn't want to appear hostile to foreigners, they grant the guests in their country a wish beforehand, as long as it can be fulfilled. Mrs. Smith is first. "What do you wish for yourself?" "I would like a pillow bound on my rear end before the lashings." "Okay, that shall be granted to you." Mrs. Smith has the pillow bound to her rear end and receives her punishment. But because the pillow is too small and the executioner also hits her back a couple of times, she receives a few blows. Next it is Smith's mother-in-law's turn. "What do you wish for yourself?" "I would like a pillow bound on my rear end and a pillow bound on my back before the lashings." "Okay, that shall be granted to you." The mother-in-law receives her fifty lashes, but hardly feels the pain through the pillows. Then comes Smith himself. "What do you wish for yourself?" "I have two wishes. Do you want to fulfill them for me?" "Because you are a guest in our country, we want to fulfill your wishes for you, as long as they are reasonable." "I would like 100 lashes instead of 50." The executioner is surprised, but recovers again right away and replies, "Yes, that is a pious wish, it shall be granted to you. And what is your second wish?" "I would like to have my mother-in-law bound to my back." -=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-= -=-=-===- As I was on my way to the lunchroom one day, a student chased me down and handed me a check-out slip to sign. I practically had a fit with him. "William," I screamed, "you can't possibly check out today! You'll miss our semester test, and that's your only hope for passing my class!" He mumbled, "I gotta check out." "WHY?" I yelled. "I gotta go to court," he responded. "WHY?" I screamed again. "Paternity suit," he answered. I signed the slip. - -=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-= -=-=-=---= Teach them what? Before I graduated under special circumstances, I was going to my high school once or twice a week giving lectures on drugs, alcohol, and suicide. Since this was considered a non-student activity, I was permitted to use the teachers' lounge. One day between lectures, I was sitting in the lounge enjoying a smoke when a certain teacher (one who had caught me smoking 3 times and had me suspended each time) walked in, complaining to another teacher about catching another student smoking and continuing to put down that particular student. Once he was seated across from me, he lit a cigarette and said, "It don't matter that they put surgeon general warnings on the cigarettes, you still can't teach them anything." -=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-= -=-= * Kindergarten entrance test Two years ago, my babysitter was running thru the kindergarten entrance test with those that were going to be in kindergarten that fall. My three-year-old son, Timothy was sitting there listening when Nana said that it was his turn. She asked him his name and his mom and dad's name, which he told her. She then asked him if he knew where I worked. His response was "Very far, far away." -=-=-=-=---=-=-=---=-=-=-------=-= Documentation is like sex: When it is good, it is VERY good; and when it's bad, it's still better than nothing at all. - -=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-= -=--=-= Yachts that your brothers own are relation ships. -=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-= --= "Whenever I watch TV and see those poor starving kids all over the world, I can't help but cry. I mean I'd love to be skinny like that but not with all those flies and death and stuff." Mariah Carey -- Have a magic day and pass it on. Magic Mike http://funandmagic.com/ / Subject: Meteor showers this weekend Date: Sat, 12 Aug 2000 09:04:43 -0700 From: "Magic Mike B" <mmb Organization: http://funandmagic.com/ To: "you" <you, Hi, The Perseid Meteor shower hits its peak this weekend. The moon will make it hard to see the one a minute streaks until moonset, which is just before dawn this week. Today's photo is of a previous year. http://funandmagic.com/photolinks2.htm . Signs in Microsoft bathrooms? Bill Gates Downloads Here Do Not Flush Mouse Pads Down The Toilet To Flush, Press Handle. You Do Not Need To Hold Control, Alt, And Delete At The Same Time. For a good time, e-mail SUZIE@ohmygod/Im/about/tohave/an.org Why can't Bill Gates get a date? Because he is MICROSOFT. MICROSOFT: Where Do You Want To Go Today? In the crapper! Microsoft Speelchecker Rules! Your mother is so fat, it takes 25 minutes to download a naked picture of her. THE BASIC PROGRAM: 10: Enter 20: Lower Pants 30: Try Real Hard 40: If Nothing, Then goto 30 50: If something, Them goto 60 60: Wipe Butt 70: Exit -=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-= -=--=-=-=-= CAMPAIGN TIPS A couple of opposing candidates for county office happened to be sitting next to each other in the local diner. One turned to the other and said, "You know why I'm going to win this election? Because of my 'personal touch.' For example, I always tip waitresses really well and then ask them to vote for me." "Oh, really?" replied the other. "I always tip them a nickel and ask them to vote for you." -=-=-=-=-=-=-=- -=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-= -= The woman seated herself in the psychiatrist's office. "What seems to be the problem?" the doctor asked. Well, I, uh," she stammered. "I think I, uh, might be a nymphomaniac." "I see," he said. "I can help you, but I must advise you that my fee is $80 an hour." "That's not bad," she replied. "How much for all night?" -- Have a magic day and pass it on. Magic Mike http://funandmagic.com/ / Get the cleanest, cheapest water for 6 cents a gallon. http://ld.net/?phon4less Get 3 cents/minute calls. Also, cheapest phone cards. http://funandmagic.com/paid2surf.html Be PAID to surf. Make money on others, too. Subject: Colorful Plant Photo Date: Fri, 11 Aug 2000 09:58:46 -0700 From: "Magic Mike B" <mmb Organization: http://funandmagic.com/ To: "you" <you Hi, Here is a colorful little plant for your desktop that I found while roaming around in German photo sites, from Plant and Wildlife Photos of Hendrik Peters, Germany. http://funandmagic.com/photolinks2.htm . Take a look at what you pay for instate long distance, the look at I-Phone, a reseller of wholesale MCI fiber optics. I have had no problems as a user myself. I have the cheapest phone rates I have ever had. Be smart and check this out. http://www.cognigen.net/iphone/?phon4less . Here is a reply from Sue Z Q about about the Dr. Laura letter that went around. I live in Seattle where Dr. Laura originates, BTW. If you wish to reply to her I will forward. Have a magic day, and pass it along. Magic Mike http://funandmagic.com/mmmoney.htm Subject: Re: Dr. Laura and the Bible Date: Thu, 10 Aug 2000 22:39:08 -0500 From: "Suzie-Q" Organization: Earth To: mmb References: 1 The Dr. Laura letter /might/ be funny if it was accurate. Just for fun, I looked up the chapter and verse referenced in the letter. A couple of them were way off -- didn't have anything to do with what was mentioned in the letter. Of course, most people have no idea what's in Leviticus and don't care, and certainly won't go look it up. For these folks this ficticious* letter will be funny as hell. *if it's not ficticious and someone actually sent it to Dr. Laura, then I wish I could have been there to hear her reply when she tore the person up! 8^)~~~~ Sue (who likes to see ignorance ~~~~~~~ punished - or humiliated - whichever seems more appropriate given the circumstances) "I reserve the absolute right to be smarter today than I was yesterday." -Adlai Stevenson ****************************** ****************** * KIEV (Reuters) - Cheap glue proved the undoing of ahard-core Russian criminal, whose fake ears came unstuck just as he was crossing passport control at the Ukrainian-Slovak border, a Ukrainian daily reported Wednesday. The popular paper Den quoted local customs officers as saying a ``dangerous'' Russian fugitive had tried to cross illegally into Slovakia from western Ukraine with a passport belonging to another person. To complete his disguise he had asked a surgeon to glue on artificial ears, but they popped off at the decisive moment. The surgeon had economized on medical glue, using a cheap Russian-made product instead of high-quality Western one, the paper said. -=- -=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-= -=-=-=-=-=- "Georgia Hotel." There was a man from Georgia staying the night in a hotel. He called the front desk and said, "Excuse me, sir, I've got a leak in my sink." The man at the front desk replied, "Oh, okay, go ahead." -=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-= -=-=-=-=-=-=-= - A blonde had just got a new sports car and was out for a drive when she accidentally cut off a truck driver. He motioned for her to pull over. When she did, he got out of his truck and pulled a piece of chalk from his pocket. He drew a circle on the side of the road and gruffly commanded the blonde "stand in that circle and DON'T MOVE!". He then went to her car and cut up her leather seats. When he turned around she had a slight grin on her face, so he said "Oh you think that's funny? Watch this!" He gets a baseball bat out of his truck and breaks every window in her car. When he turns and looks at her she has a smile on her face. He is getting really mad. He gets his knife back out and slices all her tires. Now she's laughing. The truck driver is really starting to lose it. He goes back to his truck and gets a can of gas, pours it on her car and sets it on fire. He turns around and she is laughing so hard she is about to fall down. "What's so funny?" the truck driver asked the blonde. She replied, "Every time you weren't looking, I stepped outside the circle!" -=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-= -=-=-=-=-=-= Several racehorses are in a stable. One of them starts boasting about his track record. "Of my last 15 races," he says, "I've won eight." Another horse breaks in, "Well, I've won 19 of my last 27!" "That's good, but I've taken 28 of 36," says another, flicking his tail. At this point a greyhound who has been sitting nearby pipes up. "I don't mean to boast," he says, "but of my last 90 races, I've won 88." The horses are clearly amazed. "Wow," says one after a prolonged silence, "a talking dog!" --=-=-=-=-=--=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=--=-= "I bought my brother some gift-wrap for Christmas. I took it to the Gift Wrap department and told them to wrap it, but in a different print so he would know when to stop unwrapping." -- Steven Wright -=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-= -=-=-=-=-=-- A Japanese tourist hailed a taxi in downtown Chicago and asked to be taken out to O'Hare Airport. On the way, a car zoomed by and the tourist responded, "Ohhh!!! TOYOTA!!! Made in Japan!!! Very fast!!!" Not too long after, another car flew by the taxi. "Ohh!!! NISSAN!!! Made in Japan!!! Very fast!!!" Yet another zipped by, "Ohh!!! Mitsubishi!!! Made in Japan!!! Very fast!!!" The taxi driver, complete 100% American, was starting to get a little miffed that the Japanese made cars were passing his Chevy, when yet another car passed the taxi right as they were turning into the airport. "Ohh!!! Honda!!! Made in Japan!!! Very fast!!!" The taxi driver stopped the car, pointed to the meter, and said, "that'll be $150." "$150? It was so short a ride! Why so much?" "Taxi Meter. Made in Japan. Very fast." =--=-=-=-=- -=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-= -=-=-= The clerk requested identification from a department-store customer who had just written a personal check for her purchase. After fumbling through her purse, she presented him with what she said was the only thing that bore both her name and address. It was a notice of insufficient funds from her bank. =--== -=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-= -=-=- "The doctor said he would have me on my feet in two weeks." "And did he?" "Yes, I had to sell the car to pay the bill." - -=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-= -=-=-=-=-=-=-= Q: If all the cars in the U.S.A. were pink. What would we have? A: A pink carnation. -=-=-=-=-=-=-=- -=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-= Things to do While Downloading RE-label file folders in all caps Penny rolls, Penny rolls, penny rolls 73% DONE! Color code your extra cables 78% DONE! Find all celebrities that share your birthdate 83% DONE! Nerf basketball to 100! 94% DONE! 100 situps 98% DONE! Get ready..... Connection Terminated - Start over! Find a pistol..... -- Have a magic day and pass it on. Magic Mike http://funandmagic.com/ / Get the cleanest, cheapest water for 6 cents a gallon. http://ld.net/?phon4less Get 3 cents/minute calls. Also, cheapest phone cards. Be PAID to surf. Make money on others, too. Subject: Other worlds Date: Thu, 10 Aug 2000 09:09:38 -0700 From: "Magic Mike B" <mmb Organization: http://funandmagic.com/ To: "you" <you Hi, After the latest round of discovery announcements, the list of known worlds of distant suns has grown to 50.Here's an artist rendition of one for your desktop wallpaper today http://funandmagic.com/photolinks2.htm . Get the cleanest, cheapest water for 6 cents a gallon. / . Have amagic day andf pass it on. Magic Mike The salesman asked what the trouble was, and the man said that he couldn't answer the question about the cause of death of his father. The salesman wanted to know why. After some embarrassment the client explained that his father had been hanged. The salesman pondered for a moment. "Just write: 'Father was taking part in a public function when the platform gave way.'" -=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-= -= My Dad bought my Mom a piano for her birthday. A few weeks later, I asked how she was doing with it. "Oh," said My Dad, "I persuaded her to switch to a clarinet." "How come?" I asked. "Well," he answered, "because with a clarinet, she can't sing...." -=-=-- -=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-= -=-=-=-=- They say that 50% of all marriages end in divorce. That's not as bad as it sounds, Considering that the other 50% end in death! ~ When sending your wife down the road with a gas can, It is impolite to ask her to bring back beer. ~ The game women play is men. ~ I still miss my Ex, But my aim is getting better. ~ We have drugs to make women speak, But none to keep them silent! ~ Christ called as his Apostles only men. He did this in a totally free and sovereign way! ~ No man should marry Until he has studied anatomy And dissected at least one woman -=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-= -=-=-==-- Source When a physician remarked on a new patient's extraordinarily ruddy complexion, he said, "High blood pressure, Doc. It comes from my family." "Your mother's side or your father's?" Doc asked. "Neither," he replied. "It's from my wife's family." "Oh, come now," Doc said. "How could your wife's family give you high blood pressure?" He sighed. "You oughta meet 'em sometime, Doc!" -== -=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-= -=-=-= If you are hedenophobic, you have a fear of pleasure. In October 1994, Jeff Bezos wanted to name his new Web venture "Cadabra" -- as in "abracadabra." But his attorney convinced him that this magical moniker sounder a bit too much like "cadaver." Reluctantly, Bezos went with his second choice: Amazon.com. The longest kiss recorded on film occurs between Cary Grant and Ingrid Bergman in Alfred Hitchcock's Nortorious (1946). -=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-= -=-=--=-=-=-=-=-= Things to do While Downloading (Continued) Fill out all your registration cards in triplicate Alphabetize your diskettes Alphabetize your CD-ROMs Re-alphabetize your diskettes and CD-ROMs together 32% DONE Cut your fingernails See how many words you can make from "download" Make a sculpture out of your fingernail clippings Play "Dark Side Of the Moon" side two Time to windex that monitor again! 42% DONE! Might as well balance the old checkbook Practice the "rubber pencil" routine Weed out the rolodex Buff the mouse pad -- oops,already did that! French Braid (optional) 52% DONE! "This would be a good time to register your software" (done that!) Re-kid proof the butane lighter Solitaire Solitaire round 2 Solitaire round 3 (no cheating this time) 65% DONE! Think of good domain names to pre-buy Persue the Egghead mailer again 67% DONE! -=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-= -==---= A man went to a storefront psychic for some spiritual guidance. The man said, "There's a horrible dark cloud surrounding me." "I know," said the psychic, "and for a hundred dollars, I can rid you of it." The man, eager to be cured, handed over the money. The psychic then pulled out a book of matches and lit one. The man said, "What do you call this dark and horrible curse?" The psychic waved the match in front of his butt and said, "Mexican food." -=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=--=-=-=-=-=-=-= The trouble with some women is they get all excited about nothing-and then they marry him. Cher --=-=-=-=-==-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=--= Sales only A guy walks into a gas station and buys a pack of cigarettes. He pulls one out and starts smoking it. The cashier says, "Excuse me sir, but you can't smoke in here." The guy says, "Don't you think it's kinda dumb that I buy them here but can't smoke them here?" And the cashier replies, "Not at all...we also sell condoms here." -=-=-=-=-=- -=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-= --== "Gomez' Law -- If you don't throw it, they can't hit it." - Lefty Gomez -- Have a magic day and pass it on. Magic Mike http://funandmagic.com/ / Subject: Large solar filament erupting Date: Wed, 09 Aug 2000 08:43:49 -0700 From: Magic Mike B <mmb Organization: http://funandmagic.com/ To: you <you Hi, Today's desktop wallpaper is a large solar filament. Hot gas frequently erupts from the Sun. One such eruption produced the glowing filament, which was captured on July 19 by the Earth-orbiting TRACE satellite. The filament, although small compared to the overall size of the Sun, measures over 100,000 kilometers in height, so that the entire Earth could easily fit into its outstretched arms. To see it click here, to save it and wallpaper it, right click on the photo when it's done loading. http://funandmagic.com/photolinks2.htm . I am getting a lot of response from the Stress Relief Desktop Toy. You can find it for download on the Free Helpful Utilities Page http://funandmagic.com/FreeHelpfulUtilities.htm . THANKS Cheryl !! Hey!! Let's make some money together! http://funandmagic.com/mmmoney.htm Have a magic day and pass it on. Magic MIke Genuine Excerpts from Letters Sent to Landlords... 1. The toilet is blocked and we cannot bathe the children until it is cleared. 2. I want some repairs done to my stove as it has backfired and burnt my knob off. 3. This is to let you know that there is a smell coming from the man next door. 4. The toilet seat is cracked: where do I stand? 5. I am writing on behalf of my sink, which is running away from the wall. 6. I request your permission to remove my drawers in the kitchen. 7. Our lavatory seat is broken in half and is now in three pieces. 8. The person next door has a large erection in his back garden, which is unsightly and dangerous. 9. Will you please send someone to mend our cracked sidewalk. Yesterday my wife tripped on it and is now pregnant. 10. Our kitchen floor is very damp, we have two children and would like a third, so will you please send someone to do something about it. 11. Will you please send a man to look at my water, it is a funny color and not fit to drink. 12. Would you please send a man to repair my down spout. I am an old age pensioner and need it straight away. 13. Could you please send someone to fix our bath tap. My wife got her toe stuck in it and it is very uncomfortable for us. 14. I want to complain about the farmer across the road. Every morning at 5:30 his cock wakes me up, and it is getting too much. 15.When the workmen were here they put their tools in my wife's new drawers and made a mess. Please send men with clean tools to finish the job and keep my wife happy. -=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-= -=-=-=-=-=-=-= -= "One Liners" "Time is that quality of nature which keeps events from happening all at once. Lately it doesn't seem to be working." "I know God will not give me anything I can't handle. I just wish that He didnt trust me so much" - Mother Teresa If God had intended for us to vote, He would of given us candidates. --Mrs C- Nikki Indecision is the key to flexibility. You cannot tell which way the train went by looking at the track. There is absolutely no substitute for a genuine lack of preparation. - -=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-= -=-=-=-=-=- Be prepared for the answer by the time you finish reading this paragraph, WITHOUT RETRACING YOUR STEPS and without writing anything down. A bus started out without passengers. At the first stop it picked up 10 passengers. Stopping again, it let off five passengers and picked up 12. At the next stop, eight passengers got on and two got off. When the bus stopped again, 14 passengers got on and nine got off. One more stop and two passengers got on and one got off. Ready with your answer? The question: How many stops did the bus make? = -=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-= -=------- "I met this wonderful girl at Macy's. She was buying clothes and I was putting Slinkies on the escalator." -- Steven Wright - -=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-= -=-=-=-=- LATIN, A LIVING LANGUAGE llegitimus non Carborundum = Don't let the Bastards wear you down !! "Domino vobiscum." (The pizza guy is here.) "Auda similarum ad seattles." (They all sound just like Pearl Jam.) "Sharpei diem." (Sieze the wrinkled dog.) "Nucleo predicus dispella conducticus." (Remove foil before microwaving.) "Motorolus interruptus." (Hold on, I'm going into a tunnel.) "Il guyus nissanem iste ickye." (That Nissan guy gives me the creeps.) "Bodicus mutilatimus, unemploymi forevercus." (Better take the nose ring out before the job interview.) "Minutus can'torum, minutus balorum, minutus carborata descendum pantorum." (A little song, a little dance, a little seltzer down your pants.) "E Pluribus Tupac." (Rap is everywhere.) "Veni, vidi, Pesci." (I came, I saw, I moidered da bum.) "Revelare Pecunia!" (Show Me The Money!) "Robotisticus Governantimus Inevitabilitus." (Al Gore is GOING to Be President.) "Ignoramus microsoftis multa pecunia dat." (Yeah, where *do* I want to go today??) "Sic semper tyrannus." (Your dinosaur is ill.) "No Quid Pro Quo." (I'm Sorry, We're All Out of Quid.) "Nunc Tutus Exitus Computarus." (It's Now Safe To Turn Off Your Computer.) "Tempo fugit." (I drove my Ford off a bridge.) "Veni, vedi, vichy." (I came, I saw, I capitulated to the Germans.) "Veni, Vidi, Velcro" (I came; I saw; I stuck around.) "Et tu, pluribus unum?" (The government just stabbed me in the back!) "E pluribus septum." (Multiple nose piercings.) -=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-= -=-=-=-=-=-=- "State Mottos" Alabama: Yes, We Have Electricity Alaska: 11,623 Eskimos Can't Be Wrong! Arizona: But It's A Dry Heat Arkansas: Literacy Ain't Everything California: By 30, Our Women Have More Plastic Than Your Honda Colorado: If You Don't Ski, Don't Bother Connecticut: Like Massachusetts, Only The Kennedy's Don't Own It Yet Delaware: We Really Do Like The Chemicals In Our Water Florida: Ask Us About Our Grandkids Georgia: We Put The "Fun" In Fundamentalist Extremism Hawaii: Haka Tiki Mou Sha'ami Leeki Toru (Death To Mainland Scum, But Leave Your Money) Idaho: More Than Just Potatoes ... Well Okay, We're Not, But The Potatoes Sure Are Real Good Illinois: Please Don't Pronounce the "S" Indiana: 2 Billion Years Tidal Wave Free Iowa: We Do Amazing Things With Corn Kansas: First Of The Rectangle States Kentucky: Five Million People; Fifteen Last Names Louisiana: We're Not ALL Drunk Cajun Wackos, But That's Our Tourism Campaign Maine: We're Really Cold, But We Have Cheap Lobster Maryland: If You Can Dream It, We Can Tax It Massachusetts: Our Taxes Are Lower Than Sweden's (For Most Tax Brackets) Michigan: First Line Of Defense From The Canadians Minnesota: 10,000 Lakes ... And 10,000,000,000,000 Mosquitoes Mississippi: Come And Feel Better About Your Own State Missouri: Your Federal Flood Relief Tax Dollars At Work Montana: Land Of The Big Sky, The Unabomber, Right-Wing Crazies, And Very Little Else Nebraska: Ask About Our State Motto Contest Nevada: Whores and Poker! New Hampshire: Go Away And Leave Us Alone New Jersey: You Want A ##$%##! Motto? I Got Yer ##$%##! Motto Right Here! New Mexico: Lizards Make Excellent Pets New York: You Have The Right To Remain Silent, You Have The Right To An Attorney ... North Carolina: Tobacco Is A Vegetable North Dakota: We Really Are One Of The 50 States! Ohio: At Least We're Not Michigan Oklahoma: Like The Play, Only No Singing Oregon: Spotted Owl ... It's What's For Dinner Pennsylvania: Cook With Coal Rhode Island: We're Not REALLY An Island South Carolina: Remember The Civil War? We Didn't Actually Surrender South Dakota: Closer Than North Dakota Tennessee: The Educashun State Texas: Si' Hablo Ing'les (Yes, I Speak English) Utah: Our Jesus Is Better Than Your Jesus Vermont: Yep Virginia: Who Says Government Stiffs And Slackjaw Yokels Don't Mix? Washington: Help! We're Overrun By Nerds And Slackers! Washington, D.C.: Wanna Be Mayor? West Virginia: One Big Happy Family ... Really! Wisconsin: Come Cut The Cheese Wyoming: Where Men Are Men ... and the sheep are scared !!! - -=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-= -=-=-=-=-=-=-= -= Dr. Leroy, the head psychiatrist at the local mental hospital, is examining patients to see if they're cured and ready to re-enter society. "So, Mr. Clark," the doctor says to one of his patients, "I see by your chart that you've been recommended for dismissal. Do you have any idea what you might do once you're released?" The patient thinks for a moment, then replies, "Well, I went to school for mechanical engineering. That's still a good field and great money. But, on the other hand, I thought I might write a book about my experiences here in the hospital and what it's like to be a patient here." The patient continued, "People might be interested in reading a book like that. In addition, I thought I might go back to college and study art history, which I've grown interested in lately." Dr. Leroy nods and says, "Yes, those all sound like intriguing possibilities." The patient replies, "And the best part is, in my spare time, I can go on being a teapot." -=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-= -=-=-=-=-=-= Things to do While Downloading Buff your mouse pad. Make a list of things to download . Play a percussive beat on your thighs in time with your modem . Count to 500 in "click" language . Go outside and actually breathe fresh air (don't overdo!) . Do a pushup for every blue bar on the progress meter . 11% DONE! Name the presidents . Play "Dark Side Of the Moon" side one . Relace your shoes . Read every classified listing for "programmers" . Carefully clean your mouse rollers and track ball . Hone your monitor's picture to ridiculous perfection . 23% DONE! -==-=--=- -=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-= -=-=-=-=-=-=-= -=- One night a blonde found a magic lamp, picked it up, rubbed it and a Genie appeared. "Your wish is my command," said the Genie. "Well, there is one thing," the boaj said. "Just name it," said the Genie. "It's those blonde jokes. They are so demeaning to blonde everywhere, not just to me. I would like for blonde jokes to stop." "Consider it done," said the Genie. "blonde jokes shall be stricken from the minds of humans everywhere. But surely there is something that I could do just for you." "There is one more thing. But it's really small, and not worth your time," said the blonde. "Name it. Please," said the Genie. "It's those M&M's," said the blonde. "They're so hard to peel." -=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-= -=-=-=-=- -- Have a magic day and pass it on. Magic Mike http://funandmagic.com/ / Subject: Snoqualmie falls Rainbow Date: Tue, 08 Aug 2000 10:32:06 -0700 From: "Magic Mike B" <mmb Organization: http://funandmagic.com/ To: "you" <you Hi, See a rainbow over the famous falls outside of Seattle from the Nature photography site of Bert Sirkin. http://funandmagic.com/photolinks2.htm . One of my favorite actors died yesterday, Sir Alec Guiness. I had been a fan since "The Man In The White Suit" and "The Lavender Hill Mob". May the force by with you Sir Alec. I urge you to get the latest RealPlayer with Take Five. It alerts you to cool stuff being broadcast for one day only. Yesterday I saw a funny thing from London. Two people, dressed as LARGE cell phones, ran up to people on cell phones, grabbed their phones and either stomped on the phones, or took them and ran, the people chasing them through the streets. The link is already outdated, so I can't send it. Have a magic day and pass it on. Magic Mike http://funandmagic.com/ excuse me? a vice president who CAN'T WORK WEEKENDS? what happens if Gore gets shot on a saturday? -=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-= -=-=-=-=-=-= "I love to go shopping. I love to freak out salespeople. They ask me if they can help me, and I say, "Have you got anything I'd like?" Then they ask me what size I need, and I say, "Extra medium." -- Steven Wright -=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-= -=-=-=-=-=-=-= -= You know when people see a cat's litter box, they always say, "Oh, you have a cat?" Wouldn't you like to say, "No, it's for my company!" -=-=-=-=----=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=--=-=-=-=-= An elderly woman died last month. Having never married, she requested no male pallbearers. In her handwritten instructions for her memorial service, she wrote, "They wouldn't take me out while I was alive, I don't want them to take me out when I'm dead. -=- -=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-= -=-=- There are a lot of folks that can't understand how we ran out of oil here in the USA. Well, here's the answer: It's simple.........nobody bothered to check the oil. Didn't know we were getting low. And of course the reason for that is geographical. Most of the oil is in Texas and Oklahoma, and all the dipsticks are in Washington, D.C. -=- -=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-= -=-=-=-=-=-= Male menopause is a lot more fun than female menopause. With female menopause you gain weight and get hot flushes. Male menopause - you get to date young girls and buy motorcycles. -=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-= -=-=-=-=-=-=-= -=-=- A young Jewish boy from New York went out West to college. One day in his senior year, he called home and said to his mother, "Mom, I've got a surprise for you. I'm getting married." "Lucky you," his mom said. "Finding a nice young Jewish girl out in a place like Wyoming." "Mom," his son replied, "she isn't Jewish. She's a Native American." The mother fainted and wouldn't talk to him for a month. When she finally agreed to come to the phone, she said, "If you're going to marry an Indian, at least bring her home to me." Her son said, "Mom, we're already decided where to live. We're moving to the reservation." The mother fainted again. This time she didn't talk to her son for six months. When she finally agreed to come to the phone, her son said, "Mom, I've got some good news this time. You're going to be a grandmother." She hesitated, then said, "A grandmother is not a bad thing to be." Feeling pleased for the first time, she called once a month to find out how things were. Then one day she heard from her son. "Mom, I've got great news! We've just had a son. And we've decided to give him a Jewish name." The mother smiled. "Ahh ... a Jewish name for my grandson. What is it?" "Smoked Whitefish." -=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-= -=-=-=-=-=- Man: I'd go through anything for you. Woman: Good! Let's start with your bank account. -=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-= -=-=-=-=-=-= Entertaining tips Maxine's Tips for Entertaining 1. When one hosts a dinner party, it is essential that all the place mats match, or, at the very least, that they all come from the same fast-food restaurant. 2. Entertaining in your backyard? The key to a nice-looking lawn is a good mower. I recommend one who's muscular and shirtless. 3. My favorite party game is "Pin the Cleanup on the Guests." 4. Nothing in the world is quite so entertaining as pouring old milk into new containers before having guests over. 5. A good host must always be a STICKLER for attractive food presentation! I always take the foil COMPLETELY OFF the TV dinner before serving. 6. Getting your home in tiptop shape for a party can be fun if you think of it as kicking dust bunny butt! 7. Take short cuts! I used to offer my guests instant coffee. They kept whining for hot water to go with it. 8. The best way to prepare a roast is to make an aluminum foil tent over your roasting pan. Similarly, the best way to prepare for relatives is to pitch a tent in the backyard and stay there until they leave. 9. When decorating for a party, be creative with regular household items. Some people might just see a moldy shower curtain with torn eyelets. What do I see? A new tablecloth. 10. The better you cook, the more likely your guests will return. Which is why I'm not usually too hot in the kitchen. =-=-=-=-=-=--=-=-=-=-=- Pickup line -=-=-=-=-=-=-=--=-=-=-= Hi, I'm Mr. Right. Someone said you were looking for me. -=-=-=-=-=-=----=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=--==-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=---=- Feelings Starting the car for the long trip back into the city, John and Dave said their final good-byes to their good friend, Robert. "Thanks for puttin' us up for the weekend, pal," said John. "The food was great, the booze and dope were superb, and I really enjoyed screwing your wife". Shortly after hitting the road, Dave turned to John and said, "I hope you weren't serious about enjoying screwing his wife!" "No, I can't say that I enjoyed it," replied John, "but I didn't want to hurt Robert's feelings..." -=-- -=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-= -=-=-=-=-=-= How can you get AIDS from a toilet seat? By sitting down before the last guy gets up. -=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-= -=-=-=-=-=-=-= -=-=-=-=-= Coming back to the 19th hole, the rest of the club members were greatly amazed to see the golf pro paying the duffer $100. "What happened?" asked one of the members. "Well," said the pro, "I was teeing up for the first hole, and as I brought the club down, the jerk stuck his hand up between my legs and grabbed my balls while yelling 'Gotcha!' Have you ever tried to play 18 holes of golf waiting for the second 'gotcha'?" -=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-= -=-=-=-=-=-=-= -=-= My poor wife was sick in bed with the flu this past January. And me being the dutiful lil' husband I am, offered to fix her some of her favorite herbal tea. I couldn't find the damn tea though and yelled upstairs asking where the hell it was. She said, "I don't know how it could be any easier to see. It's in the pantry, third shelf down, in a cocoa tin marked 'matches'." -=--=-=-= -=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=---=-= -=-=-=-=- The Cardinal advised his staff that he wanted to improve relationship with the Jewish congregation in Chicago and asked for suggestions. It was suggested that a golf game be played between two dignitaries, from each group. The Cardinal thought this was a great idea and would really go a long way in bringing the two religions together, but none of us here know how to play golf very well and would probably lose,we don't want the Catholic Church to lose!!! It was suggested that we hire Davis Love, the professional golfer, make him a priest, temporarily and we would surely win!! The Cardinal agreed to this little white lie, and the game was scheduled. Father Love spoke to the Cardinal after the match and told him that he played his best game ever but just could not beat Rabbi Woods. -- Have a magic day and pass it on. Magic Mike http://funandmagic.com/ / Subject: Mountains of Peru Date: Mon, 07 Aug 2000 09:40:02 -0700 From: "Magic Mike B" <mmb Organization: http://funandmagic.com/ To: "you" <you Hi, For a desktop photo, let's trek with Judith to Peru and the Circuit of Alpamayo. To get there, stop by my photolinks page which is 3 years old this month, posting a new photo a day. http://funandmagic.com/photolinks2.htm . Please support my site by signing up for the lowest long distance rates anywhere, with no monthly fees, charges, minimums, or contracts. http://ld.net/?phon4less . Have a magic day and pass it on. Magic Mike http://funandmagic.com Two women went to the movies, and one of them started to cough. Her friend leaned away from her. The more she coughed, the farther her friend tried to move away. Finally, the cougher turned around to her friend and said, "Look, you don't have to move away like that. This is not a sickness." Her friend replied, "Well, it isn't a wellness." -=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-= -=-=-=-=-=-=-= Answering machine message: "This is not an answering machine -this is a telepathic thought-recording device. After the tone, think about your name, your reason for calling and a number where I can reach you, and I'll think about returning your call." -=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-= -=-=-=-=-=- The politician was sitting at his campaign headquarters when the phone rang. He listened intently, and after a moment his face brightened. When he hung up, he immediately phoned his mother to tell her the good news. "Ma," he shouted, "the results are in. I won the election!" "Honestly?" asked the mother. The politician's smiled faded. "Ma, why bring that up at a time like this?" --- -=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=---=-= -=-=-=-=-=-=-= A fisherman returned to shore with a giant Marlin that was larger and heavier than he was. On the way to the cleaning shed he ran into a buddy who had maybe a dozen or so Rockfish. The buddy eyed the Marlin and said, "Only caught the one, huh?" -=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-= -=-=-= Today we bestow FOUR bonehead awards! Today's first bonehead award goes to police from Dacono, Frederick and Firstone, Colorado who, using borrowed automatic rifles for a training session, began spraying surrounding neighborhoods with bullets while firing the weapons during practice. One resident, Mark Franzen, while in his yard hit the ground when he heard the ''unmistakable'' whizzing sound of overhead bullets. Guess they really did need the practice. Denver Post 1-Aug-00 http://www.denverpost.com/news/news0801j.htm ----------- Today's second bonehead award was sent to me from list member Jack. Thanks, Jack! This is a ''too dumb to be a criminal'' story and goes to a Memphis, Tennessee man who robbed a gas station and got away in his 1984 Oldsmobile Delta with his last name spelled out across the back window in bold 8 inch tall letters This next bonehead award is another dumb criminal story. I'm going to lift the text straight from the article because it is written so perfectly. Two bumbling bandits stole several hundred thousand dollars worth of rings during a gunpoint robbery at a North York store. Detective-Sargent Wilf Townley said one of the bandits walked into the shop and asked to see engagement rings. ''He's standing at the counter and he starts banging himself in the back of the head," Townley said. "That was obviously the signal for his number-two guy to come in. "The guy keeps whacking himself in the back of the head, and the other guy still doesn't come in. The guy almost gave himself a migraine whacking the back of his head before the second robber got the signal." Toronto Sun, Rob Lamberti ttp://www.canoe.com/TorontoNews/ts.ts-08-02-0049.html ------------ And bonehead award four goes to a Texas woman who, while at the meat counter of a grocery store, shoved a fresh chicken up her dress and walked out of the store. A police officer stopped her and she acted thoroughly shocked, as if something paranormal occurred. Then she told the police officer that the chicken had fallen from the sky and happened to land in her arms. A story she persisted to claim was true until she was shown the surveillance video of her theft. .- - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - ----------- Job kind of boring? Looking for something daring and different? Cottle & Austen circus is advertising for a new knife-thrower's assistant ever since the last one suddenly decided to switch careers. To try for the job you simply need to stand against a wall while knives are flung towards you at 60 MPH, just to see if you can take the stress. And while doing this you need to keep a big smile. A spokesman says, ''we wouldn't recommend it to anyone of a nervous disposition.'' No information about the pay nor why the last assistant suddenly started chickening out. Ananova 2-Aug-00 http://www.ananova.com/news/story/sm_24721.html .- - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - Two German lawyers have asked the family minister of Germany to put the Bible on it's ''not for children'' list because they say it contains ''too much violence.'' Christian Sailer and Gert-Joachim Hetzel wrote to the minister saying that the Holy Book contains passages of ''a gruesomeness difficult to exceed'' which are presented and glorified as the will of God. They say it ''preaches genocide, racism, enmity towards Jews, gruesome executions for adulterers and homosexuals, the murder of one's own children and many other perversities.'' They claim to be speaking for ''some parents of minors.'' And what says the Catholic Church in Munich? ''Absurd!"" They say that every history book and practically every newspaper edition should join the Bible as too dangerous for children. They say the lawyers hadn't understood the Bible. Remember, don't shoot the messenger (me). Ananova 2-Aug-00 http://www.ananova.com/news/story/sm_24587.html ------------------ George W. Bush on his qualifications for the presidency: "I think anybody who doesn't think I'm not smart enough to handle the job is underestimating." Think about it. Taken verbatim from Zay N. Smith's QT column in the Chicago Sun-Times. -- Have a magic day and pass it on. Magic Mike http://funandmagic.com/ / Subject: Butterfly, Eduardo Sabol - Netherlands Date: Sun, 06 Aug 2000 09:16:16 -0700 From: "Magic Mike B" <mmb Organization: http://funandmagic.com/ To: "you" <you Hi, Here is a butterfly for your desktop wallpaper. It was flown in from the Netherlands by Eduardo Sabol's Photo site. http://funandmagic.com/photolinks2.htm . Stop by for clean water and cheap phone calls. Have a magic day, Magic Mike http://funandmagic.com/ Concorde jokes The following jokes are on the recent Concorde crash. Did you hear that one of the Concorde pilots asked the other if he was going home after his shift. He said no, he was just going to crash at the hotel ... The European Commission has met and declared that the Concorde's impeccable safety record will stand. The hotel was in the wrong. But wait..... there's more...... 1. The French killed more Germans on Tuesday than in 2 World Wars 2. How do you fit 100 Germans into a small French hotel? On the Concorde! 3. I know that the Germans like to get to the sun-loungers first but isn't this just a bit ridiculous? 4. Overheard at the Hotelissimo, Gronesse: "Waiter! There's a Concorde in my soup." 5. Air France has just introduced a new express service for their premium travellers which guarantees you can be off your plane and in your hotel in all of two minutes. 6. Why is the Concorde such good value for money? You get the hotel thrown in. -=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-= -=-=-=-=-=-= A Sunday School teacher began her lesson with a question. "Boys and girls, what do we know about God?" A hand shot up in the air. "He is an artist!" said the kindergarten boy. "Really?! How do you know?" the teacher asked. "You know - 'Our Father, who does art in Heaven. . ." -=-- -=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-= -=-=-- Eight-year-old Susie came home from school and informed her mother that today in class they had learned how to make babies. The mother, rather shaken by the development, called the teacher to complain. After listening to the mother complain for a few minutes, the teacher responded, "Did you ask her to explain how it is done?" "No," said the mother. "Then ask her and call me back," replied the teacher. "So HOW DO you make babies?" asked the mother to her daughter. Susie responded, "You drop the 'y' and add 'ies'." -=-=-=-=--=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=- A woman was found guilty in traffic court and when asked for her occupation she said she was a schoolteacher. The judge rose from the bench. "Madam, I have waited years for a schoolteacher to appear before this court." He smiled with delight. "Now sit down at that table and write 'I will not run a red light' five hundred thousand times." ---=--=-=- -=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-= -=- The impotent bus driver goes to see his doctor. He wants some Viagra, but he doesn't want his wife to know about it. The doc prescribes it for him, he heads to the pharmacist, who fills the prescription. Home is a good hour away so the bus driver quickly downs one of the little blue pills. When he gets home, he doesn't even have to tell his wife with words. That twinkle in his eye speaks volumes. They tear off each others clothes and are quickly in bed. He manages to "rise to the occasion" three times. *Three times!* He expects his wife to be delighted, but instead, she seems rather sad. "What's wrong, dear?" he asks "I think your job is taking over every aspect of your life and it's doing you in," she sighs. "What do you mean?" "I mean, even our sex life is like the bus service. Nothing for ages, and then -- three come all at once!" -=- -=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-= -=-=-=-=-=-=-= - "Doc," said the young man lying down on the couch, "You've got to help me! Every night I have the same horrible dream. I'm lying in bed when all of a sudden five drop dead gorgeous women rush in and start tearing off my clothes." The psychiatrist nodded, "And what do you do?" "I push them away!" "I see. And what can I do to help you with this?" The patient implored, "Please, Break my arms!" -=-- -=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-= -=-=-=-=-=- A sign was placed at the entrance of the large machinery plant. It said "Warning to young ladies: If you wear loose clothes, beware of the machinery. If you wear tight clothes, beware of the machinist." - -=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-= -=-=-=-=-=-=-= -=-=-=-= Lightning travels 90,000 miles a second, almost half the speed of light. Newton estimated correctly that the Earth had a mass of 6,600,000,000,000,000,000,000 tons and a density of about five-and-a-half times that of water. The fact wasn't demonstrated until one century after his estimate. The rare metal gallium melts at 86 degrees Fahrenheit. It is safe to touch; if you hold a piece of it in your hand and wait, it will melt. A "jiffy" is an actual unit of time. It is 1/100 of a second. -=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-= -=-=-=- WHICH CLASS ARE YOU? When I first started college, the Dean came in and said, "Good Morning," to all of us. When we echoed back to him, he responded "Ah, you're Freshmen." He explained. "When you walk in and say good morning, and they say good morning back, it's Freshmen. When they put their newspapers down and open their books, it's Sophomores. When they look up so they can see the instructor over the tops of the newspapers, it's juniors. When they put their feet up on the desks and keep reading, it's seniors." "When you walk in and say good morning, and they write it down, it's graduate students." -- Have a magic day and pass it on. Magic Mike http://funandmagic.com/ / Get the cleanest, cheapest water for 6 cents a gallon. http://ld.net/?phon4less Get 3 cents/minute calls. Also, cheapest phone cards. Be PAID to surf. Make money on others, too. Subject: Rainbow Date: Sat, 05 Aug 2000 09:44:02 -0700 From: "Magic Mike B" <mmb Organization: http://funandmagic.com/ To: "you" <you Hi, Here is a Rainbow over Highway 138, by Andy Cripes, PhotoGeek. http://funandmagic.com/photolinks2.htm . YOU'RE LOST BETWEEN "BABY BOOMER" AND "GENERATION X" IF.. 1. You remember when Jordache jeans with a flat-handle comb in the back pocket was cool. 2. Any photograph of you shows you wearing an Izod shirt with the collar turned up 3. You know any "Weird Al" Yankovic songs by heart. 4. You've ever rung someone's doorbell and said "Landshark!" 5. You were once bowled over by the technological excellence of such products as Atari, IntelliVision, TelStar and Coleco. 6. You remember the premier of MTV-or worse yet, you remember its predecessor, "Friday Night Videos." 7. You and your friends ever discussed having a reunion at the end of the century and playing Prince's "1999" until you passed out partying. 8. A predominant color in your childhood photos is plaid. 9. You remember when music that was labeled "alternative" really was alternative, and when "alternative comedy" was really funny. 10. You took family trips BEFORE the invention of the minivan. 11. (Related to No. 10) You rode in the back of the station wagon facing the cars behind you. 12. You've recently horrified yourself by using any one of the following phrases: "You know, back when...," "When I was your age...," or "When I was younger..." 13. Schoolhouse Rock played a HUGE part in how you learned things like grammar, math and history. (A big hint here is if the only way you can recite the preamble to the Constitution is by singing it.) 14. You ever dressed to look like someone in a Madonna, Cyndi Lauper or Duran Duran video. 15. You remember your first kiss with someone having happened while either "Leather and Lace" or "Crazy for You" was playing. 16. You remember with pain the day the Green Machine hit the streets (or the sidewalks), instantly making your Big Wheel obsolete. 17. The age-old question "Where's the beef?" still makes you laugh. 18. You remember when film critics raved that no movie could ever possibly have more advanced special effects than "TRON." 19. You had a crush on Ted the photographer on "Love Boat," Gage from Emergency," or Ponch from "CHIPS." 20. Your hair at some point in time in the '80s could only be described by saying "I was experimenting." 21. You've ever shopped at Benetton. 22. You're starting to believe that having the kids in school year-round wouldn't be such a bad idea after all. 23. You're currently employed doing something that has absolutely nothing to do with your college major. 24. U2 is too popular and mainstream for you now. 25. You remember trying to guess which episode of "The Brady Bunch" it was by the first scene. 26. You had a front-row seat (i.e., blew off one or more classes) for Luke and Laura's wedding on "GH." 27. Your parents wanted you to attend medical school, but you decided it was pointless since Quincy got all the babes anyway. 28. You know who shot J.R. 29. You recall when Love's Baby Soft was in every girl's Christmas stocking. 30. This rings a bell: "My name is Charlie, and they work for me." 31. You were unsure if Diet Coke would ever catch on. (Related item.... you were sure that "New Coke" would NEVER catch on.) 32. You know all the words to the double-album set of the "Grease" soundtrack. 33. You've ever had a Dorothy Hamill haircut. 34. You sat with your friends on any given Friday night circa 1982 and dialed 867-5309 to see if Jenny was actually there. 35. "All skate, change directions" means something to you. 36. You've ever owned a pair of rainbow suspenders like the ones Mork used to wear. 37. You bought a pair of Vanns and wanted to order a pizza in history class so you could be just like Jeff Spicoli. (Related item: if you've ever smacked yourself in the head with a shoe and exclaimed, "I'm so wasted!" 38. You owned a Preppy Handbook. 39. You were too young to see "Blue Lagoon," so you just had to settle for the second-hand reports. 40. You remember when movies were only PG and R. 41. You learned to swim at about the same time "Jaws" came out....and still carry the emotional scars to prove it. 42. You remember when your cable TV box had a sliding selector switch... and your "cable remote" was connected to the TV by a CORD! 43. Your jaw would ache by the time you finished one of those brick-sized packages of Bazooka. 44. You remember Bo and Luke Duke, Daisy, Boss Hogg, or-worse of what Sheriff Roscoe's full name was. 45. Your parents paid $2,000 for a top-loading VCR that was almost the size of a coffee table. 46. You found nothing strange about Bert and Ernie living together. 47. You remember having a rotary phone. 48. You actually believed that Mikey, famed kid on the Life cereal commercials, died after eating Pop Rocks and drinking a Coke 49. "Members Only" jackets...say no more. 50. And lastly, I'll make a song stick in your head for the rest of the day:...you actually remember the words to the theme song of "The Greatest American Hero." ("BELIEVE IT OR NOT, I'M WALKIN' ON AIR...I NEVER THOUGHT I COULD FEEL SO FREE-EE-EE...") SOMEONE PASS THE GERITOL -=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-= -=-=-=-=-=-=-= A nervous young minister, new to the church, told the flock, "For my text today, I will take the words, 'And they fed five men with five thousand loaves of bread and two thousand fishes.'" A member of the flock raised his hand and said, "That's not much of a trick. I could do that." The minister didn't respond. However, the next Sunday he decided to repeat the text. This time he did it properly, "And they fed five thousand men with five loaves of bread and two fishes." Smiling, the minister said to the noisy man, "Could you do that, Mr.. Perkins?" The member of the flock said, "I sure could." "How would you do it?" "With all the food I had left over from last Sunday!" -=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-= -=-=-== "My roommate got a pet elephant. Then it got lost. It's in the apartment somewhere." -- Steven Wright - -=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-= -=-=-=-= Bob had finally made it to the last round of the $5,000,000 Question. The night before the big question, he told the M.C. that he desired a question on American History. The big night had arrived. Bob made his way on stage in front of the studio and TV audience. He had become the talk of the week. He was the best guest this show had ever seen. The M.C. stepped up to the mic. "Bob, you have chosen American History as your final question. You know that if you correctly answer this question, you will walk away $5,000,000 dollars richer. Are you ready?" Bob nodded with a cocky confidence-the crowd went nuts. He hadn't missed a question all week. "Bob, your question on American History is a two-part question. As you know, you may answer either part first. As a rule, the second half of the question is always easier. Which part would you like to take a stab at first?" Bob was now becoming more noticeably nervous. He couldn't believe it, but he was drawing a blank. American History was his easiest subject, but he played it safe. "I'll try the easier part first." The M.C. nodded approvingly. "Here we go Bob. I will ask you the second half first, then the first half." The audience silenced with gross anticipation . . . "Bob, here is your question: And in what year did it happen??" -=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-= -=-=-=--=-=-=-=-=- Do you know who, in 1923 was: 1. President of the largest steel company? 2. President of the largest gas company? 3. President of the New York Stock Exchange? 4. Greatest wheat speculator? 5. President of the Bank of International Settlement? 6. The Great Bear of Wall Street? 7. The winner of the U.S.Open and PGA Tournaments? These men were considered to be among the world's most successful men. At least, they found the secret of making money. Now, more than 75 years later, do you know what has become of these men? 1. The president of the largest steel company, Charles Schwab, died a pauper. 2. The president of the largest gas company, Edward Hopson, went insane years before he died. 3. The President of the N.Y.S.E., Richard Whitney, was released from prison to die at home. 4. The greatest wheat speculator, Arthur Cooper, died abroad, penniless. 5. The President of the Bank of International Settlement shot himself. 6. The Great Bear of Wall Street, Cosabee Rivermore, commited suicide. 7. In 1923, Gene Sarazan won the U.S.Open and PGA Tournaments. He died 5/13/99, at age 97. And the Moral of the Story is: STOP WORRYING ABOUT BUSINESS AND START PLAYING GOLF!! -=--=-=-=-=- -=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-= -=-=-=----=-=-=-=-=-=- Everyone and their dog , it seems, wants a university degree of some kind. Some even make their choice of what university/college to go to based on the quality of the undergraduate or graduate degree programs. Stop wasting your time pulling your hair out when you don't get into Harvard or some other Ivy league school. Any college will do when you know the requirements for higher education degrees. They are as follows: 1. You get a Bachelor's degree when you think you know everything. 2. You get a Master's degree when you realize you know nothing. 3. You get a Ph.D when you realize nobody knows anything. ---=-=-=-=-=-=-=-==- -=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-= - GRAMMER MADE EASY IN TWENTY-THREE STEPS or HOW TO RITE RITE 1. Don't abbrev. 2. Check to see if you any words out. 3. Be carefully to use adjectives and adverbs correct. 4. About sentence fragments. 5. When dangling, don't use participles. 6. Don't use no double negatives. 7. Each pronoun agrees with their antecedent. 8. Just between you and I, case is important. 9. Join clauses good, like a conjunction should. 10. Don't use commas, that aren't necessary. 11. Its important to use apostrophe's right. 12. It's better not to unnecessarily split an infinitive. 13. Never leave a transitive verb just lay there without an object. 14. Only Proper Nouns should be capitalized. also a sentence should begin with a capital and end with a period 15. Use hyphens in compound-words, not just in any two-word phrase. 16. In letters compositions reports and things like that we use commas to keep a string of items apart. 17. Watch out for irregular verbs which have creeped into our language. 18. Verbs has to agree with their subjects. 19. Avoid unnecessary redundancy. 20. A writer mustn't shift your point of view. 21. Don't write a run-on sentence you've got to punctuate it. 22. A preposition isn't a good thing to end a sentence with. 23. Avoid cliches like the plague. ---- Have a magic day and pass it on. Magic Mike http://funandmagic.com/ / Get the cleanest, cheapest water for 6 cents a gallon. http://ld.net/?phon4less Get 3 cents/minute calls. Also, cheapest phone cards. Be PAID to surf. Make money on others, too. Subject: Howl 1 and 2 Date: Thu, 03 Aug 2000 13:38:54 -0700 From: "Magic Mike B" <mmb Organization: http://funandmagic.com/ To: "you" <you Hi, Many don't know about "Howl", By Allen Ginsberg so I thought I would send it. Someone asked who WIlliam Burroughs and Ken Kesey are. Bourroughs wrote "Naked Lunch" and Ken Kesey wrote "One Flew Over The Cookoo's Nest" and "Sometimes A Great Notion". Ken also gained noteriety as a Merry Prankster. Another card in this deck would be the Jack of Kerrouac, and Nave Neil of Cassidy. The game being played was "Stream Of Consciousness" writing and creativity. -Magic Mike HOWL by Allen Ginsberg I saw the best minds of my generation destroyed by madness, starving hysterical naked, dragging themselves through the negro streets at dawn looking for an angry fix, angelheaded hipsters burning for the ancient heavenly connection to the starry dynamo in the machinery of night, who poverty and tatters and hollow-eyed and high sat up smoking in the supernatural darkness of cold-water flats floating across the tops of cities contemplating jazz, who bared their brains to Heaven under the El and saw Mohammedan angels staggering on tenement roofs illuminated, who passed through universities with radiant cool eyes hallucinating Arkansas and Blake-light tragedy among the scholars of war, who were expelled from the academies for crazy & publishing obscene odes on the windows of the skull, who cowered in unshaven rooms in underwear, burning their money in wastebaskets and listening to the Terror through the wall, who got busted in their pubic beards returning through Laredo with a belt of marijuana for New York, who ate fire in paint hotels or drank turpentine in Paradise Alley, death, or purgatoried their torsos night after night with dreams, with drugs, with waking nightmares, alcohol and cock and endless balls, incomparable blind; streets of shuddering cloud and lightning in the mind leaping toward poles of Canada & Paterson, illuminating all the motionless world of Time between, Peyote solidities of halls, backyard green tree cemetery dawns, wine drunkenness over the rooftops, storefront boroughs of teahead joyride neon blinking traffic light, sun and moon and tree vibrations in the roaring winter dusks of Brooklyn, ashcan rantings and kind king light of mind, who chained themselves to subways for the endless ride from Battery to holy Bronx on benzedrine until the noise of wheels and children brought them down shuddering mouth-wracked and battered bleak of brain all drained of brilliance in the drear light of Zoo, who sank all night in submarine light of Bickford's floated out and sat through the stale beer after noon in desolate Fugazzi's, listening to the crack of doom on the hydrogen jukebox, who talked continuously seventy hours from park to pad to bar to Bellevue to museum to the Brooklyn Bridge, lost battalion of platonic conversationalists jumping down the stoops off fire escapes off windowsills off Empire State out of the moon, yacketayakking screaming vomiting whispering facts and memories and anecdotes and eyeball kicks and shocks of hospitals and jails and wars, whole intellects disgorged in total recall for seven days and nights with brilliant eyes, meat for the Synagogue cast on the pavement, who vanished into nowhere Zen New Jersey leaving a trail of ambiguous picture postcards of Atlantic City Hall, suffering Eastern sweats and Tangerian bone-grind-ings and migraines of China under junk-with-drawal in Newark's bleak furnished room, who wandered around and around at midnight in the railroad yard wondering where to go, and went, leaving no broken hearts, who lit cigarettes in boxcars boxcars boxcars racketing through snow toward lonesome farms in grand-father night, who studied Plotinus Poe St. John of the Cross telepathy and bop kabbalah because the cosmos instinctively vibrated at their feet in Kansas, who loned it through the streets of Idaho seeking visionary indian angels who were visionary indian angels, who thought they were only mad when Baltimore gleamed in supernatural ecstasy, who jumped in limousines with the Chinaman of Oklahoma on the impulse of winter midnight street light smalltown rain, who lounged hungry and lonesome through Houston seeking jazz or sex or soup, and followed the brilliant Spaniard to converse about America and Eternity, a hopeless task, and so took ship to Africa, who disappeared into the volcanoes of Mexico leaving behind nothing but the shadow of dungarees and the lava and ash of poetry scattered in fireplace Chicago, who reappeared on the West Coast investigating the F.B.I. in beards and shorts with big pacifist eyes sexy in their dark skin passing out incomprehensible leaflets, who burned cigarette holes in their arms protesting the narcotic tobacco haze of Capitalism, who distributed Supercommunist pamphlets in Union Square weeping and undressing while the sirens of Los Alamos wailed them down, and wailed down Wall, and the Staten Island ferry also wailed, who broke down crying in white gymnasiums naked and trembling before the machinery of other skeletons, who bit detectives in the neck and shrieked with delight in policecars for committing no crime but their own wild cooking pederasty and intoxication, who howled on their knees in the subway and were dragged off the roof waving genitals and manuscripts, who let themselves be fucked in the ass by saintly motorcyclists, and screamed with joy, who blew and were blown by those human seraphim, the sailors, caresses of Atlantic and Caribbean love, who balled in the morning in the evenings in rose gardens and the grass of public parks and cemeteries scattering their semen freely to whomever come who may, who hiccuped endlessly trying to giggle but wound up with a sob behind a partition in a Turkish Bath when the blond & naked angel came to pierce them with a sword, who lost their loveboys to the three old shrews of fate the one eyed shrew of the heterosexual dollar the one eyed shrew that winks out of the womb and the one eyed shrew that does nothing but sit on her ass and snip the intellectual golden threads of the craftsman's loom, who copulated ecstatic and insatiate with a bottle of beer a sweetheart a package of cigarettes a candle and fell off the bed, and continued along the floor and down the hall and ended fainting on the wall with a vision of ultimate cunt and come eluding the last gyzym of consciousness, who sweetened the snatches of a million girls trembling in the sunset, and were red eyed in the morning but prepared to sweeten the snatch of the sun rise, flashing buttocks under barns and naked in the lake, who went out whoring through Colorado in myriad stolen night-cars, N.C., secret hero of these poems, cocksman and Adonis of Denver-joy to the memory of his innumerable lays of girls in empty lots & diner backyards, moviehouses' rickety rows, on mountaintops in caves or with gaunt waitresses in familiar roadside lonely petticoat upliftings & especially secret gas-station solipsisms of johns, & hometown alleys too, who faded out in vast sordid movies, were shifted in dreams, woke on a sudden Manhattan, and picked themselves up out of basements hung over with heartless Tokay and horrors of Third Avenue iron dreams & stumbled to unemployment offices, who walked all night with their shoes full of blood on the snowbank docks waiting for a door in the East River to open to a room full of steamheat and opium, who created great suicidal dramas on the apartment cliff-banks of the Hudson under the wartime blue floodlight of the moon & their heads shall be crowned with laurel in oblivion, who ate the lamb stew of the imagination or digested the crab at the muddy bottom of the rivers of Bowery, who wept at the romance of the streets with their pushcarts full of onions and bad music, who sat in boxes breathing in the darkness under the bridge, and rose up to build harpsichords in their lofts, who coughed on the sixth floor of Harlem crowned with flame under the tubercular sky surrounded by orange crates of theology, who scribbled all night rocking and rolling over lofty incan'tations which in the yellow morning were stanzas of gibberish, who cooked rotten animals lung heart feet tail borsht & tortillas dreaming of the pure vegetable kingdom, who plunged themselves under meat trucks looking for an egg, who threw their watches off the roof to cast their ballot for Eternity outside of Time, & alarm clocks fell on their heads every day for the next decade, who cut their wrists three times successively unsuccessfully, gave up and were forced to open antique stores where they thought they were growing old and cried, who were burned alive in their innocent flannel suits on Madison Avenue amid blasts of leaden verse & the tanked-up clatter of the iron regiments of fashion & the nitroglycerine shrieks of the fairies of advertising & the mustard gas of sinister intelligent editors, or were run down by the drunken taxicabs of Absolute Reality, who jumped off the Brooklyn Bridge this actually happened and walked away unknown and forgotten into the ghostly daze of Chinatown soup alley ways & firetrucks, not even one free beer, who sang out of their windows in despair, fell out of the subway window, jumped in the filthy Passaic, leaped on negroes, cried all over the street, danced on broken wineglasses barefoot smashed phonograph records of nostalgic European 1930s German jazz finished the whiskey and threw up groaning into the bloody toilet, moans in their ears and the blast of colossal steam whistles, who barreled down the highways of the past journeying to each other's hotrod-Golgotha jail-solitude watch or Birmingham jazz incarnation, who drove crosscountry seventytwo hours to find out if I had a vision or you had a vision or he had a vision to find out Eternity, who journeyed to Denver, who died in Denver, who came back to Denver & waited in vain, who watched over Denver & brooded & loned in Denver and finally went away to find out the Time, & now Denver is lonesome for her heroes, who fell on their knees in hopeless cathedrals praying for each other's salvation and light and breasts, until the soul illuminated its hair for a second, who crashed through their minds in jail waiting for impossible criminals with golden heads and the charm of reality in their hearts who sang sweet blues to Alcatraz, who retired to Mexico to cultivate a habit, or Rocky Mount to tender Buddha or Tangiers to boys or Southern Pacific to the black locomotive or Harvard to Narcissus to Woodlawn to the daisychain or grave, who demanded sanity trials accusing the radio of hyp notism & were left with their insanity & their hands & a hung jury, who threw potato salad at CCNY lecturers on Dadaism and subsequently presented themselves on the granite steps of the madhouse with shaven heads and harlequin speech of suicide, demanding instantaneous lobotomy, and who were given instead the concrete void of insulin Metrazol electricity hydrotherapy psychotherapy occupational therapy pingpong & amnesia, who in humorless protest overturned only one symbolic pingpong table, resting briefly in catatonia, returning years later truly bald except for a wig of blood, and tears and fingers, to the visible mad man doom of the wards of the madtowns of the East, Pilgrim State's Rockland's and Greystone's foetid halls, bickering with the echoes of the soul, rocking and rolling in the midnight solitude-bench dolmen-realms of love, dream of life a nightmare, bodies turned to stone as heavy as the moon, with mother finally ******, and the last fantastic book flung out of the tenement window, and the last door closed at 4. A.M. and the last telephone slammed at the wall in reply and the last furnished room emptied down to the last piece of mental furniture, a yellow paper rose twisted on a wire hanger in the closet, and even that imaginary, nothing but a hopeful little bit of hallucination ah, Carl, while you are not safe I am not safe, and now you're really in the total animal soup of time and who therefore ran through the icy streets obsessed with a sudden flash of the alchemy of the use of the ellipse the catalog the meter & the vibrating plane, who dreamt and made incarnate gaps in Time & Space through images juxtaposed, and trapped the archangel of the soul between 2 visual images and joined the elemental verbs and set the noun and dash of consciousness together jumping with sensation of Pater Omnipotens Aeterna Deus to recreate the syntax and measure of poor human prose and stand before you speechless and intelligent and shaking with shame, rejected yet confessing out the soul to conform to the rhythm of thought in his naked and endless head, the madman bum and angel beat in Time, unknown, yet putting down here what might be left to say in time come after death, and rose reincarnate in the ghostly clothes of jazz in the goldhorn shadow of the band and blew the suffering of America's naked mind for love into an eli eli lamma lamma sabacthani saxophone cry that shivered the cities down to the last radio with the absolute heart of the poem of life butchered out of their own bodies good to eat a thousand years. What sphinx of cement and aluminum bashed open their skulls and ate up their brains and imagination? Moloch! Solitude! Filth! Ugliness! Ashcans and unob tainable dollars! Children screaming under the stairways! Boys sobbing in armies! Old men weeping in the parks! Moloch! Moloch! Nightmare of Moloch! Moloch the loveless! Mental Moloch! Moloch the heavy judger of men! Moloch the incomprehensible prison! Moloch the crossbone soulless jailhouse and Congress of sorrows! Moloch whose buildings are judgment! Moloch the vast stone of war! Moloch the stunned governments! Moloch whose mind is pure machinery! Moloch whose blood is running money! Moloch whose fingers are ten armies! Moloch whose breast is a cannibal dynamo! Moloch whose ear is a smoking tomb! Moloch whose eyes are a thousand blind windows! Moloch whose skyscrapers stand in the long streets like endless Jehovahs! Moloch whose factories dream and croak in the fog! Moloch whose smokestacks and antennae crown the cities! Moloch whose love is endless oil and stone! Moloch whose soul is electricity and banks! Moloch whose poverty is the specter of genius! Moloch whose fate is a cloud of sexless hydrogen! Moloch whose name is the Mind! Moloch in whom I sit lonely! Moloch in whom I dream Angels! Crazy in Moloch! Cocksucker in Moloch! Lacklove and manless in Moloch! Moloch who entered my soul early! Moloch in whom I am a consciousness without a body! Moloch who frightened me out of my natural ecstasy! Moloch whom I abandon! Wake up in Moloch! Light streaming out of the sky! Moloch! Moloch! Robot apartments! invisible suburbs! skeleton treasuries! blind capitals! demonic industries! spectral nations! invincible mad houses! granite cocks! monstrous bombs! They broke their backs lifting Moloch to Heaven! Pave- ments, trees, radios, tons! lifting the city to Heaven which exists and is everywhere about us! Visions! omens! hallucinations! miracles! ecstasies! gone down the American river! Dreams! adorations! illuminations! religions! the whole boatload of sensitive bullshit! Breakthroughs! over the river! flips and crucifixions! gone down the flood! Highs! Epiphanies! Despairs! Ten years' animal screams and suicides! Minds! New loves! Mad generation! down on the rocks of Time! Real holy laughter in the river! They saw it all! the wild eyes! the holy yells! They bade farewell! They jumped off the roof! to solitude! waving! carrying flowers! Down to the river! into the street! Carl Solomon! I'm with you in Rockland where you're madder than I am I'm with you in Rockland where you must feel very strange I'm with you in Rockland where you imitate the shade of my mother I'm with you in Rockland where you've murdered your twelve secretaries I'm with you in Rockland where you laugh at this invisible humor I'm with you in Rockland where we are great writers on the same dreadful typewriter I'm with you in Rockland where your condition has become serious and is reported on the radio I'm with you in Rockland where the faculties of the skull no longer admit the worms of the senses I'm with you in Rockland where you drink the tea of the breasts of the spinsters of Utica I'm with you in Rockland where you pun on the bodies of your nurses the harpies of the Bronx I'm with you in Rockland where you scream in a straightjacket that you're losing the game of the actual pingpong of the abyss I'm with you in Rockland where you bang on the catatonic piano the soul is innocent and immortal it should never die ungodly in an armed madhouse I'm with you in Rockland where fifty more shocks will never return your soul to its body again from its pilgrimage to a cross in the void I'm with you in Rockland where you accuse your doctors of insanity and plot the Hebrew socialist revolution against the fascist national Golgotha I'm with you in Rockland where you will split the heavens of Long Island and resurrect your living human Jesus from the superhuman tomb I'm with you in Rockland where there are twenty-five-thousand mad com- rades all together singing the final stanzas of the Internationale I'm with you in Rockland where we hug and kiss the United States under our bedsheets the United States that coughs all night and won't let us sleep I'm with you in Rockland where we wake up electrified out of the coma by our own souls' airplanes roaring over the roof they've come to drop angelic bombs the hospital illuminates itself imaginary walls collapse O skinny legions run outside O starry spangled shock of mercy the eternal war is here O victory forget your underwear we're free I'm with you in Rockland in my dreams you walk dripping from a sea- journey on the highway across America in tears to the door of my cottage in the Western night -=--=--=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=--=-==- Howl.com (with apologies to Allen Ginsberg) By Thomas Scoville March 22, 2000 I saw the best minds of my occupation destroyed by venture capital, burned-out, paranoid, postal, dragging themselves through the Cappuccino streets of Palo Alto at Dawn looking for an equity-sharing, stock option fix, HTML-headed Web-sters coding for the infinite broadband connection to that undiscovered e-commerce mother lode in the airy reaches of IP namespace, who poverty and ripped Yahoo tee shirts, cubicle-eyed and wired on Starbucks sat up surfing in the virtual ether of one-million-dollar, one-bathroom condos next to the railroad tracks, skipping across the links of killer Web sites contemplating ... Java, who rammed their brains into compilers and saw Intel angels staggering on microchips under the insane weight of investor expectation, who blew off the search for Truth for as-yet-undreamed New Economy scams, business models hallucinating infocapitalist messiahs on clouds of market cap, who abandoned lucid dreams of a Better Way for Shockwave fluff and RealAudio baubles dangling from the buggy venality of digital commerce, who, while haunted by the scowling ghosts of hackers past -- Stallman, Nelson, Engelbart -- auctioned their immortal souls on eBay, with documentation and a full year of support included, of course, who got busted in their spotless Nike cross-trainers traveling through cyberspace with a file of illegal crypto for Open Source, who ate sushi in Austin or drank microbrews in Silicon Alley, jousting with bad mojo funk of layoffs, Chapter 11, or diluted company stock night after night, who chained themselves to start-ups for the endless ride from San Jose to Wall Street on adrenaline and Evian, laptop batteries flaming out over Oklahoma, no more vegetarian entrees, sir, would you like the latex omelet instead? endless nights of keyboard grinding and corporate microwave popcorn and Jolt Cola until the noise of their own deadlines brought them down, gawping, convulsing, mute, crushed beneath their own project plans, who talked continuously about convergence and distributed control and cluetrains and Y2K and extropians and Libertarians and Microsoft and Linux and slashdot and wouldn't fucking shut up, who pointed their browsers at Red Herring and Slate and Salon.com hoping against hope that somebody might be able to make sense of the infinitely perverse, ball-busting, soul-scorching, silicon-supernova black hole that kept them awake all night every night and wouldn't let them alone long enough to find dates in this lifetime, who tattoo'd and pierced and dyed and branded themselves in a desperate act of self-mutilating cyber-hepster cool, all the while wearing a suit and tie on the inside they could never, ever take off, and praying nobody would find out about the MBA, who renounced the smokestack relics, the old guard and their father's Oldsmobile only to find that they had been replaced by artifacts even less substantial, who chanted the free market mantras of laissez-faire and techno-darwinism and Adam Smith's invisible hand-job except when Big Bad Bill the Bully Gates-of-hell came to take away their lunch.com -- and became Socialists of Convenience.org, who stalked investment bankers through Bistros and wine bars and martini lounges, begging pleading groveling for one more hit of funding from the luminous check-book oh please oh please oh please ah, Bill, you are not safe, I am not safe, and now we languish in the dot com pressure cooker hoping for one last buzz of the old hallucinations. The wrecked avenues, the sullied conduits, the pinched pipes of a quadrillion dropped and ruined packets. The world wide waits, the denials of service, the infinite hosts of hardcore farm-animal boredom, ghoulish domain-name squatters jumping out from behind every virtual tree. These failed revolutions, these paradigms lost, the end of Web Time, and P/E ratios good to last the next thousand years. Dot com! Dot com! Dot com! forever, and ever, ka-Ching. -- Have a magic day and pass it on. Magic Mike http://funandmagic.com/ / Get the cleanest, cheapest water for 6 cents a gallon. http://ld.net/?phon4less Get 3 cents/minute calls. Also, cheapest phone cards. Be PAID to surf. Make money on others, too. Subject: Lightning Stroke Photo, Tibetan Book of the Dead Date: Thu, 03 Aug 2000 09:57:08 -0700 From: "Magic Mike B" <mmb Organization: http://funandmagic.com/ To: "you" <you ELVIS IS DEAD...And I don't feel so good myself. - Bumper Sticker Hi, Here is an artful photo from the EricPhotos website, capturing a lightning stroke http://funandmagic.com/photolinks2.htm . My Uncle Nathan died Tuesday. As I sat 3000 miles, I became aware of his death. You see, there is no distance for the mind. As the Tibetans say, it is infinite and vast. Nathan was blind, deaf, and couldn't talk. My brother and I had the same thought, that now he can see and hear, since he has left that imperfect body, impaired by crossed RH factor blood between parents, which has since been cured. I read Nathan instructions in the after death states from The Tibetan Book Of The Dead. Written by an attained yogic master and magician in the 8th century, it is a study of the science of birth and death. It is an in-depth and highly detailed instruction to the dead, in navigating and experiencing the Bardo realms of dream existence that the soul goes through from death, to experiencing the light of clear reality, the karmic visions, after death world and the methods of choosing a womb-door for the best rebirth. There is a different instruction to be read aloud to the deceased for a period of 14 days. As they are free of body, their mind can see and hear people who call them. It's main premise is that souls who are fully ready, can attain a heaven realm in the moments after death if they can stabilize their thoughts in atonement with the Bliss Realms of Light. Failing to ride out there, the soul experiences lower levels of dream reality until rebirth. By reading to the soul, they may hear and remember what to do, because while in a dream state there can be confusion. No matter what religion you practice, this book may be of value, and I thought I'd explain it a little for you for your benefit in the future and those you know. Here is a link to the book through Amazon. http://www.amazon.com/exec/obidos/ASIN/0195002237/magicmikethemagi/102-6018286-5807322 At the bottom is a parody of the classic "Howl". I recommend you read "Howl" by Allen Ginsberg. Ginsberg, William Burrows, and I were invited to a Broo-ha-ha at Ken Kesey's Oregon farm in July of 1976. Have a magic day and pass it on. Magic Mike http://funandmagic.com/ "I was in the grocery store. I saw a sign that said "pet supplies". So I did. Then I went outside and saw a sign that said "compact cars". -- Steven Wright -=-- -=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-= -=-=-=-=-=-=-= -=-=-=--=- If you're too open minded, your brains will fall out. -=-=--- -=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-= -=-=-=-=-=-=-= -=-= Actual Calls to a Pet Care Hotline.... "My cat just came in from the garage and I was wondering.... how many calories are in a mouse?" "I have a neutered male cat. How old should he be before I can breed him?" "Does your dog food help with emancipation?" "What should I feed a borderline collie?" "What size litter box do I need to keep my cat comfy?" "Is it normal for a dog to shed?" "How can I keep my cat from stealing my husband's toothbrush?" "My cat passed a stool on the indoor rug and it's stuck in the vacuum cleaner. Any suggestions?" "How do I stop my cat from giving food to the dog?" "Your food turned my dog into a stud. Now what do I do?" "Do you know how to toilet train a cat?" "I have three cats. Is it true that [brand name] Cat Food makes the poop smell better?" "Will chewing pop cans remove enamel from my puppy's teeth?" "Where can I get a six-toed cat?" - -=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-= -=-=-=-= Time Honored Truths One nice thing about egotists: They don't talk about other people. The older you get, the better you realize you were. Age is a very high price to pay for maturity. Procrastination is the art of keeping up with yesterday. Women like silent men, they think they're listening. Men are from earth. Women are from earth. Deal with it. -=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-= -=-=-=-=-=-=-= -=-=-=-=-=-=--=- Ever notice that the Jolly Green Giant stands around laughing his head off while the little people do all the work canning vegetables!? -=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-= -=-=-=-=-=-=-= -=--=- A husband visited a marriage counsellor and said, "When we were first married, I would come home from the office, my wife would bring my slippers and our cute little dog would run around barking. Now after ten years it's all different. I come home, the dog brings the slippers and my wife runs around barking." "Why complain ?" said the counsellor, "You're still getting the same service!" -=- -=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-= -=-=-=--=-=---=-=-=- Father's Day is the holiday on which there are the greatest number of collect calls made in the United States. -=- -=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-= -=-=-=-=-=-=-= - "Top 10 Snappy comebacks to Why aren't you Married yet" 10. You haven't asked yet. 9. What? And spoil my great sex life? 8. Just lucky, I guess. 7. I'm waiting until I get to be your age. 6. I wouldn't want my parents to drop dead from sheer happiness. 5. I guess it just goes to prove that you can't trust those voodoo doll rituals. 4. What? And lose all the money I've invested in running personal ads? 3. We really want to, but my lover's husband just won't go for it. 2. I don't want to have to support another person on my paycheck. 1. Why aren't you thin? -- Have a magic day and pass it on. Magic Mike http://funandmagic.com/ / Subject: Crescent Nebula Date: Wed, 02 Aug 2000 08:30:24 -0700 From: "Magic Mike B" <mmb Organization: http://funandmagic.com/ To: "you" <you Hi, Here's another Astrophoto for your desktop today. The Crescent Nebula is a rapidly expanding shell of gas surrounding a dying star. In this recently released image by the Hubble Space Telescope, a bright dynamic part of the nebula three light-years across is shown in representative color. http://funandmagic.com/photolinks2.htm . My dear Uncle Nathan died yesterday from kidney failure after an operation for a leaking stomach aneurism. When I woke up there was a message from my father that Nathan would probably not live through the day. Later that morning, I was in prep room for a colonoscopy exam. As I sat on the table, I realized he had just died, felt very sad, and tears came. The nurse asked what was wrong. I said my uncle just died. She asked where is he? I said 3000 miles away. It was 9:45 AM in Seattle. My brother confirmed he died at 12:45 PM in Pennsylvania, which is 3 hours ahead. Nathan was deaf, unable to speak, but could read lips. In his last 30 years was almost blind and had to use Braille. He never complained. He played the cards he was dealt. BTW, for those of you who have dreaded getting a colonoscopy exam, it was like nothing. I went to sleep, I woke up 2 hours later, like it never happened. Do it! Have a magic day and pass it on. Magic Mike A reporter, interviewing an old fisherman who had reached his 99th birthday, said, "I certainly hope I can come back next year and see you reach 100." "Can't see why not, young man," the old fisherman said, "you look healthy enough to me." -=-=-=-=- -=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-= -= Lab Test Results Mr. Smith goes to the doctor's office to collect his wife's lab test results. Receptionist: "I'm sorry, sir, but there has been a bit of a mix-up and we have a problem. When we sent the samples from your wife to the lab, the samples from another Mrs. Smith were sent as well and we are now uncertain which one is your wife's. Frankly, that's either bad or terrible." Mr. Smith: "What do you mean?" Receptionist: "Well, one Mrs. Smith has tested positive for Alzheimer disease and the other for AIDS. We can't tell which is your wife." Mr. Smith: "That's terrible! Can we do the test over? Receptionist: "Normally, yes. But you have an HMO, and they won't pay for these expensive tests more than once. Mr. Smith: "Well, what am I supposed to do now?" Receptionist: "The doctor recommends that you drop your wife off in the middle of town. If she finds her way home, don't sleep with her. -=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=--==-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-== Frederick II, the eighteenth-century king of Prussia, fancied himself an enlightened monarch, and in some respects he was. On one occasion he is supposed to have interested himself in conditions in the Berlin prison and was escorted through it so that he might speak to the prisoners. One after the other, the prisoners fell to their knees before him, bewailing their lot and, predictably, protesting their utter innocence of all charges that had been brought against them. Only one prisoner remained silent, and finally Frederick's curiosity was aroused. "You," he called. "You there." The prisoner looked up. "Yes, Your Majesty?" "Why are you here?" "Armed robbery, Your Majesty." "And are you guilty?" "Entirely guilty, Your Majesty. I richly deserve my punishment." At this Frederick rapped his cane sharply on the ground and said, "Warden, release this guilty wretch at once. I will not have him here in jail where by example he will corrupt all the splendid innocent people who occupy it." -=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-= -=-=-=-=-=-=-= -=-=-=- A police recruit was asked during the exam, "What would you do if you had to arrest your own mother?" He promptly replied, "Call for backup." -=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-= -=-=-=-=-=-=-= -= It's amazing how the whole campaign has caught on. The thought of a sitting First Lady Of The United States considering running for an elective office is truly amazing. In New York City, everybody has a "Run, Hillary, Run" bumper sticker on their car. Democrats put them on their rear bumpers. Republicans put them on the front. -=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-= -=-=-=-=-=-=-= -=--=-=-=-=-= A man walks into a Chinese restaurant but is told by the maitre'd that there will be at least a twenty minute wait and would he like to wait in the bar. He goes into the bar and the bartender says, "What'll it be?" The man replies, "Give me a Stoli with a twist." The bartender squints at him for a few seconds, then smiles and says, "Once upon time were four little pigs." - -=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-= -=-=-=-=-=-=-- Mrs.. Goldfarb, rather advanced in years, had finally been persuaded to consult a psychiatrist for the first time. the psychiatrist, viewing her ruefully, said, "Mrs.. Goldfarb, with your permission I will try an experiment with you. It may serve to advance us more rapidly. I am going to have you lie here on the couch for half an hour, and during that period of time I want you to think of nothing but sex. Do you understand me? Just think of sex. When I come back I will ask you what you have thought and we can proceed from there." In half an hour, he was back. "Well, Mrs.. Goldfarb, have you been thinking of sex?" "Yes, doctor," she said. "And what have you been thinking?" "I've been thinking," she said, "that by me, Sex Fifth Avenue is not as good as Nieman Marcus." -==-=-=-=-=--=------=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=- "I went to a 7-11 and asked for a 2x4 and a box of 3x5's. The clerk said, "ten-four." -- Steven Wright -==-=- -=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-= -=-=-=-=-=-=-= Last night my spouse was berating me for wanting to check my email as soon as I got home from work. "You know", she complained, "I think that work rules your life". "No dear," I replied, "YOU rule my life. I just prefer work." -=-=-=-=--=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=- Quotes From Famous Mothers PAUL REVERE'S MOTHER: "I don't care where you think you have to go, young man. Midnight is past your curfew!" MARY, MARY, QUITE CONTRARY'S MOTHER: "I don't mind you having a garden, Mary, but does it have to be growing under your bed?" MONA LISA'S MOTHER: "After all that money your father and I spent on<BRbraces, Mona, that's the biggest smile you can give us?" HUMPTY DUMPTY'S MOTHER: "Humpty, If I've told you once, I've told you a hundred times not to sit on that wall. But would you listen to me? Noooo!" COLUMBUS' MOTHER: "I don't care what you've discovered, Christopher. You still could have written!" BABE RUTH'S MOTHER: "Babe, how many times have I told you -- quit playing ball in the house! That's the third broken window this week!" MICHELANGELO'S MOTHER: "Mike, can't you paint on walls like other children? Do you have any idea how hard it is to get that stuff off the ceiling?" NAPOLEON'S MOTHER: "All right, Napoleon. If you aren't hiding your report card inside your jacket, then take your hand out of there and prove it!" CUSTER'S MOTHER: "Now, George, remember what I told you -- don't go biting off more than you can chew!" ABRAHAM LINCOLN'S MOTHER: "Again with the stovepipe hat, Abe? Can't you just wear a baseball cap like the other kids?" BARNEY'S MOTHER: "I realize strained plums are your favorite, Barney, but you're starting to look a little purple." MARY'S MOTHER: "I'm not upset that your lamb followed you to school, Mary, but I would like to know how he got a better grade than you." BATMAN'S MOTHER: "It's a nice car, Bruce, but do you realize how much the insurance is going to be?" GOLDILOCKS' MOTHER: "I've got a bill here for a busted chair from the Bear family. You know anything about this, Goldie?" LITTLE MISS MUFFET'S MOTHER: "Well, all I've got to say is if you don't get off your tuffet and start cleaning your room, there'll be a lot more spiders around here!" ALBERT EINSTEIN'S MOTHER: "But, Albert, it's your senior picture. Can't you do something about your hair? Styling gel, mousse, something...?" GEORGE WASHINGTON'S MOTHER: "The next time I catch you throwing money across the Potomac, you can kiss your allowance good-bye!" JONAH'S MOTHER: "That's a nice story, but now tell me where you've really been for the last three days." SUPERMAN'S MOTHER: "Clark, your father and I have discussed it, and we've decided you can have your own telephone line. Now will you quit spending so much time in all those phone booths?" THOMAS EDISON'S MOTHER: "Of course I'm proud that you invented the electric light bulb, Thomas. Now turn off that light and get to bed!" -- Have a magic day and pass it on. Magic Mike http://funandmagic.com/ / Subject: Mt. Lemmon Sunrise Date: Tue, 01 Aug 2000 00:25:30 -0700 From: "Magic Mike B" <mmb Organization: http://funandmagic.com/ To: "you" <you Hi, Above Tucson in the Catalina Mountains is a road leading to Mt. Lemmon, the most southerly ski area in the country. Great views and hiking also exist along the way. http://funandmagic.com/photolinks2.htm . Put it on your desk for the day. Planet Proctor, from Firesign Theater'a Phil Proctor Orbits the bottom here. In case you are trying to follow the strike in Hollyweird, Phil will expound. Feel free to write him you're support. Or order his stuff. Happy Birthday Phil !!!! ROCK OF AGES My daughter was doing a project on 70's rock groups, and she asked me to name two of them. "Yes!" I said. "Who?" she asked. "There you go, there's two of them," I replied. -=---=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=--=- -=- LOST AND FOUND A pompous executive made a great show of lugging home a heavy brief case each night. One day some junior members of the company slipped his telephone directory into his briefcase and sealed the case with tape. It was two weeks later when the executive let out an anguished cry, "Somebody has swiped my telephone book!" -== -=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-= -=-=-=-=--=-=---= "One never realizes how much and how little he knows until he starts talking." -Louis L'Amour -=---=-=-=-=-=-=--=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=--=----=- "Live so that your friends can defend you but never have to." -Arnold H. Glasow -=-=-=-=- -=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-= -=-=-=-=-=- "I worked in a health food store once. A guy came in and asked me, "If I melt dry ice, can I take a bath without getting wet?" -- Steven Wright -=--=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-= -=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=---=-= /

Back to home page of Fun And Magic Dot Com http://funandmagic.com.

To enter Seattle Magic Mike the magician's site map click here.
Nobody should drink the chemicals in the water!



Get the solution at SafeWaterInfo.org

Magic Stuff. Children Magician Adult Magician Business Magician Tradeshow Magic Learn Tie Trick See Magic Tricks Sales Training How to Accomplish Impossible In Sales Newspaper trick. Magicians Lessons. Balloon Lessons. Market Yourself Magic Show Photos Guestbook.html. E-mail Magic Mike Leave A Tip Send A Show Deposit Home Page

Mind Stuff. Inspirational Art, and Great Quotes. ESP Finding Stuff. ESP Lightning Strike Butterfly On Finger ESP Find Dalai Lama ESP Volcano missed ESP Predict Quakes Reincarnated Boy Tharlam Monastery Read Literature. Read The Bible Read Wisdom Sutra Read Tao Te Ching Ancient game of Go.

Fun Stuff. Wallpaper photos: Space, Fine Art, Landscape, Animals Award Short Movies Award Animations. Magic Joke Parlor. Cartoon Of Day Funny Photos. Bumper Stickers. Movie Previews. Movie Reviews. Aquarium Cam. Time-Lapse Photos. Harry Potter Gifts. Cool stuff to hear. Horoscope/Astrology WDFM Penn State radio comedy 1969 Birth of FM Radio

Info Stuff. Thousands Of Great Recipes Food & Drink - new daily Useful Links Travel, Embassies. Medical News - new daily Cancer News - new daily Natural Science - new daily Science News. - new daily Space News - new daily Newspapers. TV News networks World News Wires Global Dimming!! First Amendment Rights for Street Performers Info Website Magic

Learn magic.
Amazing Magic Mike teaches his incredible "One Handed, One Second Windsor Trick."


The Adventures
of Super Stater WDFM Penn State radio comedy cliffhanger from 1969.

Sales Training Videos
for media sales and other organizations. Magic Mike uses magic to teach how to sell.

Magic Mike the Magician
Seattle, Lynnwood, Everett, Bellevue, Redmond, Issaquah, Kent

No portion of this site may be used, displayed, or linked to without written authorization.
All Rights Reserved Copyright 1996 - 2011
by Magic Mike Berger, Seattle except as noted.