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"Since all phenomena, is a product of one's own mind,
empty of meaning, like a magician's illusion,
having nothing to do with good or bad, acceptance or rejection,
one might burst out in laughter."
- Longchenpa, 13th century Tibetan monk.
Subject: PP 2000/18 Date: Mon, 31 Jul 2000 15:58:34 -0400 From: "phil proctor" <PProctor@compuserve.com To: "3" <pproctor@compuserve.com
(((((((((((((((((( PLANET PROCTOR 2000/18 - http://www.planetproctor.com
"Lord Jesus Christ, let the funniness come out of the bottom of our souls and our mouths." - Group prayer at the Montreal Comedy Festival
HAPPY BIRTHDAY TO ME Thanks to all of you who took the time to remember my birthday on July 28th, particularly when it was such a meaningful one. It's not often that one turns 50; in my case, it's only happened twice. Most unusual gift? A packet of Bushleague Seed Company's "Texas Homegrown Dope" from the folks at FUNNY TIMES: "Using a silver spoon, plant in a shallow hole. Protect from draft." To get yours send $1 to Funny Times Seeds, PO 18530, Cleveland Hts. OH 44118. They're also seeking homegrown volunteers to pass 'em out at the Demo's Convention. (Contact ft@funnytimes.com). Best gift? A job! I'm playing Colonel Feofanov in several Russian court martial scenes to be shot Tuesday for an episode of "JAG" called "Legacy (Part 2)." My best line? "We should just let the defendant go, like O.J.? If the 'perchatka' don't fit, we must acquit?" And finally, thanks to those of you who lifted a glass to me, like my dear friend Paul Willson, who offered this "Old French Toast": "Beat slightly 4 eggs; add 1/2 teaspoon salt and one cup milk; flavor with 1/2 teaspoon vanilla or one tablespoon rum; dip 8 slices of breaf and brown each side on a well-buttered hot griddle; sprinkle with powdered sugar; let stand 60 years." I wholeheartedly admit that the longer I live, the more I truly appreciate the fellowship of good friends. My love to you all.
"I'm a farm boy, who doesn't mind walking through human shit, and that's a hard quality to find in a person." - Keith Hames, future L.A. Sanitation worker
OLD IS WHEN... ...you remember when the Dead Sea was only sick. ...your friends compliment you on your new alligator shoes and you're barefoot. ... it takes longer to rest than to get tired. ... you're cautioned to slow down by the doctor instead of by the police. ...you don't care where your spouse goes, as long as you don't have to go along. ...your mate says, "Let's go upstairs and make love." You say, "I can't do both!" ..."getting a little action" means you don't need to take any fiber today. ..."getting lucky" means you find your car in the parking lot. ...a sexy babe catches your fancy and your pacemaker opens the garage door. ...the porn you bring home is "Debby Does Dialysis. ...an "all nighter" means not getting up to pee! (From Billy Bowles)
"There are times during a movie when the projection shutter covers the film. For a split second, there's no picture on the screen...That's my favorite part of the movie." - Projectionist Mark Anthony DeBartolo in the Westside Weekly
FOR WHOM THE BELL TOLLS The Taco Bell Chihuahua has lashed out at the fast-food company and its advertising agency after he was dropped from their advertising campaign. Using often unprintable language, the talking dog told the online Salon magazine Thursday, "I f***ing knew it, man...Everything's always 'Cool, beautiful, man, we love your work,' but I always knew deep down that I was just a dog to them." The Chihuahua maintained that the news of his firing caught him by surprise..."Everybody thinks I'm rich because I'm on TV all the time, but it doesn't really work that way.The money was just starting to come in for real." Bow-wow-ow! (From Michael Sheehan, with $ympathies to Carlos)
"KMART Shoot In Arizona Kills Two Trained Armadillos" - The result of hiring non-union stunt drivers, quoted at the AFTRA/SAG Town Hall Meeting
HOLY ROLLERS Besides my birthday, Angelenos celebrated the annual "Blessing of the Cars" this week, some of the over 1,500 owners of pre-'68 custom, stock, hot rods and restorations garnered awards for Best Unfinished, Best Flames, Best Hearse and Best Shifter Knob (ouch) while Father Glen splashed holy water on the most "lowered" 'mobiles. Also, in West Hollywood this week, Councilman Steve "Happy Feet" Martin persuaded the City to change the name of "Clinton Avenue" to "Bill Clinton Avenue", at least for the duration of the Democratic convention. "Clinton's efforts on behalf of the lesbian and gay community are unprecedented and that means a lot to West Hollywood. But," adds Martin, "If we're snubbed by the president we've got other things in mind for our dedication ceremony...[such as]...a Monica lookalike."
"We are not without accomplishment. We have managed to distribute poverty equally." - Nguyen Co Thatch, Vietnamese foreign minister
AN OLD ACTOR'S TIPS 1. Compromise your principles early and get it over with. 2. Memorize all of the songs from "Cats." 3. Wear as much spandex as possible to auditions. 4. Wear lots of "comedy and tragedy" accessories. 5. Take your art WAY too seriously. 6. Misquote famous Shakespeare. 7. If you don't get a callback, assume it's a mistake and go anyway. 8. When you get there, ask the director, "Will this take long?" 9. Pause so long after your monologue, they can't tell if you're done. 9. Overemphasize the lines they laugh at. 10. No matter how many conflicts you have, say "none," work it out later. 11. Tip the director. 12. When you get the part, mistreat props. Lose them; take them home. 13. Stay up late power-drinking before early morning call. 14. You can be replaced, but usually not til you've done a LOT of damage. 15. When your character isn't talking, mug. 16. For a touch of realism, upstage yourself. 17. Give fellow actors advice on how to do their characters. 18. If you can't get a grasp of your character, just do Jack Nicholson. 19. Eye contact is for actors afraid to stand on their own. 20. Use your tongue to make stage kisses look "real." 21. Blocking is for amateurs. Change your blocking on opening night. 22. It's not the quality of the role, it's what you get to wear. 23. Remember: frontal nudity gets you noticed faster. 24. Wear all black and hang out in coffee houses. 25. Break a leg. Literally. (Adapted from a list from Avery Schrieber)
"Don't squeeze the Charmin and don't squeeze the actor." - SAG strike slogan
DOCTOR OF PROCTOR? From Bill Bowles comes this tale of two doctors who combined their practices and put up a sign reading: "Dr. Smith and Dr. Jones, Psychiatry and Proctology." The town's fathers were not too happy with that sign, so they changed it to "Hysterias and Posteriors" but this was rejected, so they made it "Schizoids and Hemorrhoids." No go, so they wrote "Catatonics and High Colonics." Thumbs down again, but "Manic-depressives and Anal-retentives" was also denied, as well as "Minds and Behinds," so they tried "Lost Souls and Ass-holes." Still no go. Nor did "Analysis and Anal Cysts," "Queers and Rears," "Nuts and Butts," "Freaks and Cheeks" or "Loons and Moons" get approval. So they finally settled on: "Dr. Smith and Dr. Jones, Odds and Ends"
"[I]f libraries were a recent invention, wouldn't they be a prime target of copyright infringement lawsuits?" - Wayne Overbeck, L.A. Times Commentary
DOWN, IRA, DOWN! A letter to the head lawyer of the Producers Alliance, Ira Shepard, from a striking member of SAG/AFTRA suggests that "In light of your successful treatment of the commercials contract dispute...[we] wish to inform you that we have sought approval for...a similar 'modernization' of your fee structure and working conditions. Hourly billing (residuals) is gone. In its place, a flat fee structure has been instituted. This is payable only when you win your case (get the job). All calls, conversations, meetings, research, pre-case work, actual case work, office expenses, trial expenses, etc (pictures, resumes, classes, auditions, etc.) are now your costs. In addition, be advised that once you win a case, you will no longer be able to represent any similar client...(the actor's product conflict) for a period of twenty one months. A final note, your flat fee payment for all cases you win will be paid at a rate 40-60% less than you currently enjoy. We trust this won't be an inconvenience to yours or your family's lifestyle. Please be assured that our aim in seeking these changes is not to be construed as an attempt to disrupt or 'bust' [you], but is merely our desire to 'modernize' your industry's fee structure to reflect 21st century standards. While you contemplate your willingness to continue doing business with us, we wish to inform you that a plethora of para-legals has been retained to replace [you]. They possess neither the skills, attention to detail and vision of your fine work, but until such time as you're willing to align yourself with our most reasonable offers, they'll have to do. "
"The public doesn't give a damn about integrity. A town that won't defend itself deserves no help."- Martin Howe from "High Noon" (1952)
THE HARRIS POLL My friend, Bob Harris is a political humorist who's in Philadelphia to "cover" the convention. His morning radio show can be heard online from 8-11 am EST at http://www.radioforchange.com Here's some of his early impressions as gleaned from his latest e-missives: "On arrival, I received a GOP convention tote bag stuffed with the following goodies: * Dale Carnegie's 'Golden Book' on How to Win Friends And Influence People. I can only imagine how helpful this will be when the police break out the pepper spray. * A pocket first aid kit -- consisting of four aspirins, six band-aids, and two antiseptic towelettes -- presumably for when the Dale Carnegie book fails. * A box of Kraft Macaroni & Cheese (manufactured by tobacco giant Philip Morris), with the pasta specially crafted into little GOP elephants and stars. The stars are enclosed in circles, making them strongly resemble Satanic pentagrams. My press credential is labeled "Limited Access." Yeah, me and about 280 million other Americans. The thin white cords from which our credentials hang from our necks have been sold for advertising space. There are 15,000 journalists in town, which works out to a ratio of three reporters per actual GOP delegate. Celebrities here to endorse George W. Bush include Ricky Schroeder and Bo Derek, two of the most thoughtful fighters for justice and civil rights America has ever produced. I swear to you this is the truth: the people at the Courtesy Desk were incredibly rude. The convention, not surprisingly, is almost entirely white. With strikingly few exceptions, almost the only black faces present are the hired help. (To be fair, so was the Green convention, which cheered anything about conservation and the environment with not a single recycling bin in sight, leaving the hall after Nader's acceptance speech in an inch-high layer of confetti, popped balloons, and used beverage containers.) The Lieutenant Governor of Michigan has arrived with a fleet of white vans emblazoned with a star-spangled elephant logo and his name in large print: 'Dick Posthumus'. Gee, I thought that was Bob Dole's medical condition." (C 2000 Bob Harris http://www.bobharris.com)
"The dead have risen, and they're voting Republican!" - Bart Simpson in The Simpsons DON'T ASK, DON'T TELL The King of Sweden is doing some moose-hunting on the royal estate, when a peasant suddenly burst from the bushes and cries: "Don't shoot! I'm not a moose!" The King of Sweden then lifts his rifle and fires, dropping the chap where he stands. "Your Highness," says his shocked aide when the smoke has cleared, "Why did you shoot that peasant? He said he wasn't a moose!" "Oh, I'm sorry," the King replied, "I thought he said I AM a moose!" (From Jack "Stu Pickles" Riley)
"Not even a whole 'universe' such as the one depicted on the 'Pokemon Saturday morning TV series can withstand the effect of being chewed and swallowed by a far more omnipresent universe of media-saturation and fly-speck attention spans." - "Pokemon 2000" review by L.A. Times' Gene Seymour
IN SHORT... Pythagorean theorem: 24 words The Lord's prayer: 66 words Archimedes' Principle: 67 words The 10 Commandments: 179 words The Gettysburg address: 286 words The Declaration of Independence: 1,300 words The US Government regulations on the sale of cabbage: 26,911 words (From Vanna Bonta)
"It's amazing how, in this part of the world, history has been part of its past." - David Duffy, Eurosport
CLOSURE Maria is a devout Catholic. She gets married and has 17 children. Then her husband dies. She remarries two weeks later, and has 22 children by her next husband. Then he dies. A while later, she dies. At the funeral, the priest looks skyward and says, "At least they're finally together." A guy sitting in the front row says, "Excuse me, father, but you do mean her and her FIRST husband, or her and her SECOND husband?" The priest says, "I mean her legs." (From Garry Margolis)
"Her legs are kept tightly together: she's giving nothing away" - BBC1 Gymnastics commentator
+++++++++++(JULY 31, 2000)++++++++++ * FIRESIGN SITE: www.firesigntheatre.com (New and Improved!) * FIRESIGN PRODUCT: www.lodestone-media.com * FUNNY TIMES: www.funnytimes.com *PLANET PROCTOR: http://www.planetproctor.com (Under New Management!)
PLANET PROCTOR (C) 2000 by Phil Proctor
-- Have a magic day and pass it on. Magic Mike http://funandmagic.com/ /Subject: Sea Anenome Date: Mon, 31 Jul 2000 10:34:49 -0700 From: "Magic Mike B" <mmb Organization: http://funandmagic.com/ To: "you" <you
Hi, Here is a Sea Anenome for your desktop http://funandmagic.com/photolinks2.htm .
I would like to remind you all of the great opportunity to get a free Cognigen Long Distance page. Cognigen will host the page free for you. If anyone signs up for cheap long distance of 3 cents a minute. They get a real bargain and you get a commission, every month. This is the only financial opportunity around with NO item to buy, or stock up. You have NO investment. All you do is add your new page to search engines, and add your page's address to a business card. Cognigen offers... . No yearly renewal fee! . No start-up fee! . Great residual commission rates (6% to 10%) . Generous Sales and Promotional Bonuses . 100% customizable, fully automated e-commerce web site . Online - real time wire transfer of commissions. No more 'check is in the mail' Go there today, you have nothing to lose and everything to gain. http://cognigen.net/bizop/main.cgi?phon4less
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British Sporting Quotes
Ah, isn't that nice, the wife of the Cambridge president is kissing the cox of the Oxford crew." (Harry Carpenter - BBC TV Boat Race 1977)
"Julian Dicks is everywhere. It's like they've got eleven Dicks on the field." Metro Radio
"This is really a lovely horse, I once rode her mother." (Ted Walsh -Horse Racing Commentator)
Moses Kiptanui - the 19 year old Kenyan, who turned 20 a few weeks ago" (David Coleman)
"We now have exactly the same situation as we had at the start of the race, only exactly the opposite" (Murray Walker)
On the difficulties of adjusting to playing football and living in Italy: "It was like being in a foreign country" (Ian Rush)
"The lead car is absolutely unique, except for the one behind it which is identical" (Murray Walker)
"I owe a lot to my parents, especially my mother and father" (Greg Norman)
"Sure there have been injuries and deaths in boxing - but none of them serious" (Alan Minter)
"The racecourse is as level as a billiard ball" (John Francombe)
"If history repeats itself, I should think we can expect the same thing again" (Terry Venables)
"We'll still be happy if we lose. It's on at the same time as the Beer Festival" (Noel O' Mahony, Cork City boss before the game in Munich)
"I never comment on referees and I'm not going to break the habit of a lifetime for that prat." (Ron Atkinson)
Dennis Pennis: "Have you ever thought of writing your autobiography?" Chris Eubank: "On what?"
"Well, either side could win it, or it could be a draw." (Ron Atkinson)
"Strangely, in slow motion replay, the ball seemed to hang in the air for even longer.' (David Acfield)
'What will you do when you leave football, Jack - will you stay in football?' (Stuart Hall - Radio 5 live )
"I'd like to play for an Italian club, like Barcelona" (Mark Draper - Aston Villa)
"There goes Juantorena down the back straight, opening his legs and showing his class" (David Coleman at The Montreal Olympics)
"...and Ray Illingworth is relieving himself in front of the pavillion." (John Arlott)
"These greens are so fast they must bikini wax them." (Gary McCord on the greens at Augusta)
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Discretion
Six guys were playing poker when Smith loses $500 on a single hand, clutches his chest and drops dead at the table. Showing respect for their fallen comrade, the other five complete their playing time standing up.
Jon looks around and asks, "Now, who is going to tell the wife?"
They draw straws. Joe, who is always a loser, picks the short one.
They tell him to be discreet, be gentle, don't make a bad situation any worse than it is.
"Gentlemen! Discreet? I'm the most discreet man you will ever meet. Discretion is my middle name, leave it to me."
Joe walks over to the Smith's house, knocks on the door, the wife answers, and asks what he wants. The man says, "Your husband just lost $500 playing cards."
She hollers, "TELL HIM TO DROP DEAD!"
Joe replies, "I'll tell him."
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Not old
A young wisecracking professor asked the old professor when he had first noticed that he lost his sex drive. The old professor replied, "I may be too old to cut the mustard, but I can still lick the jar."
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A little boy had been pawing over a stationer's stock of greeting cards for some time when a clerk asked, "Just what is it you're looking for, Sonny? Birthday greeting? Message to a sick friend? Anniversary congratulations to your mom and dad?"
The boy shook his head "no" and answered wistfully, "Got anything in the line of blank report cards?"
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Little Johnny's class was having an English lesson, and the teacher called on Little Johnny to recite a sentence with a direct object.
Little Johnny stood and thought, then said, "Teacher, everybody thinks you are very beautiful."
"Why thank you, Little Johnny," the teacher said, blushing. "But what is the direct object?"
"The good report card next month," he replied...
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A school teacher injured his back and had to wear a plaster cast around the upper part of his body. It fit under his shirt and was not noticeable at all.
On the first day of the term, still with the cast under his shirt, he found himself assigned to the toughest students in school. Walking confidently into the rowdy classroom, he opened the window as wide as possible and then busied himself with desk work. When a strong breeze made his tie flap, he took the desk stapler and stapled the tie to his chest.
He had no trouble with discipline that term.
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In Warsaw, a dejected Communist Party candidate trudges home after the polls close. "So, Marek, how many votes did you get?" asks his wife.
"Two," he responds.
She slaps him hard across the face.
"What was that for?" he screams.
"For having a mistress!"
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Father: (at hospital looking through glass at newly arrived babies) "Kitchy kitchy koo. Look, she smiled! Isn't she adorable?"
Friend: "But your kid didn't smile."
Father: "I was talking about the nurse!"
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Q1: If you knew a woman who was pregnant, who had 8 kids already, three who were deaf, two who were blind, one mentally retarded, and she had syphilis; would you recommend that she have an abortion?
Answer to the abortion question - if you said yes, you just killed Beethoven.
Da, da, da, dummmmb
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KID: "Mother, doesn't God give us our daily bread?"
MOM: "Yes, dear."
KID: "And Santa brings us our toys at Christmas?"
MOM: "Yes, dear."
KID: "And the stork brings babies?"
MOM: "Why certainly, dear."
KID: "Then what's the old man hanging around for?"
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Those of you old enough to remember already know that people my age have suffered thru the long-haired male, close- cropped female hair craze back in the 60's.
I remember one nite at an awards banquet for Little League Baseball, I was standing near the bar engaging in idle chit- chat with another parent. Having worn a flattop since my Navy days, naturally I had a disdain for long haired boys. I said, "And look at that thing over there. How in the world can anyone tell if it's a boy or a girl ?"
The other parent said, "Well, since that 'thing' is my son, I can assure you that 'it' is indeed a boy."
Naturally, I was embarrassed as hell, and quickly replied "Oh, I'm so sorry, I didn't know you were the boy's Father."
"Actually, I'm his Mother." she said as she walked away.
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A minister was planning a wedding at the close of the Sunday morning service.
After the benediction he had planned to call the couple down to be married for a brief ceremony before the congregation.
For the life of him, he couldn't think of the names of those who were to be married.
"Will those wanting to get married please come to the front?" he requested.
Immediately, nine single ladies, three widows, four widowers, and six single men stepped to the front.
-- Have a magic day and pass it on. Magic Mike http://funandmagic.com/ /Subject: Signal Hill Petroglyphs at Saguaro National Park Date: Sat, 29 Jul 2000 08:05:04 -0700 From: "Magic Mike B" <mmb Organization: http://funandmagic.com/ To: "you" <you
Hi, See Signal Hill Petroglyphs at Saguaro National Park, AZ for your desktop, http://funandmagic.com/photolinks2.htm .
Stop drinking, cooking, and bathing in Chlorine, and other toxins. Try my Multi-Pure filter free for 30 days.I know you'll love the cleanest water for only 6 cents a gallon. Free if you sell three. / .
TATER TROUBLE
Donna and Steve were out to dinner, and Steve was about halfway through with his meal before he stopped and took a good look at his potato.
He called the waitress and complained, "This potato is bad."
The waitress picked it up, smacked it, put it back on Steve's plate and said, "If that potato causes any more trouble just let me know."
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Do You Like Sex? Do You Like To Travel? Go Take A Fucking Hike!
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Once there was a beautiful woman who loved to work in her vegetable garden, but no matter what she did, she couldn't get her tomatoes to ripen. Admiring her neighbor's garden, which had beautiful, bright red tomatoes, she went one day and inquired of him his secret. "It's really quite simple," the old man explained. "Twice each day, in the morning and in the evening, I expose myself in front of the tomatoes and they turn red with embarrassment."
Desperate for the perfect garden, she tried his advice and proceeded to expose herself to her plants, twice daily. Two weeks passed and her neighbor stopped by to check her progress.
"So," he asked. "Any luck with the tomatoes?"
"No," she replied excitedly..... "But you should see the size of my cucumbers !!!
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WISHFUL THINKING
A customer in a bakery was observed carefully examining all the rich-looking pastries displayed on trays in the glass cases.
When a clerk approached him and asked, "What would you like?"
He answered, "I'd like that chocolate-covered, cream-filled doughnut, that jelly-filled doughnut and that cheese Danish." Then with a sigh he added, "But I'll take an oat-bran muffin."
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TOT TALK
At the day-care center where I work, some of the children were telling me about their siblings.
"My brother takes horseback-riding lessons," bragged one.
"My sister takes gymnastics," said another.
Not to be outdone, the youngest piped up, "My sister takes antibiotics!"
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AN EYE FOR CRIME
One night, a lady stumbled into the police station with a black eye. She claimed she heard a noise in her back yard and went to investigate. The next thing she knew, she was hit in the eye and knocked out cold.
An officer was sent to her house to investigate, and he returned one and a half hours later with a black eye.
"Did you get hit by the same person?" his captain asked.
"No," he replied. "I stepped on the same rake."
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LABOR PAINS
A feisty 70 year old woman had to call a furnace repairman. After a quick inspection the man put some oil into the motor and handed her a $70 bill for labor.
"Labor charges!" she exclaimed. "It took you five minutes."
The repairman explained that his company had a minimum one-hour charge on every house call.
"Well, I want my remaining 55 minutes of labor," the lady responded, and she handed him a rake.
The repairman spent the next 55 minutes in her yard bagging leaves.
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-=-=-= -- Have a magic day and pass it on. Magic Mike http://funandmagic.com/ / Get the cleanest, cheapest water for 6 cents a gallon. http://ld.net/?phon4less Get 3 cents/minute calls. Also, cheapest phone cards. Be PAID to surf. Make money on others, too.
Subject: Grand Cayman Underwater Date: Fri, 28 Jul 2000 08:15:20 -0700 From: "Magic Mike B" <mmb Organization: http://funandmagic.com/ To: "you" <you
"When I was born I was so surprised I didn't talk for a year and a half." -Gracie Allen (1906-1964)
Hi, Here is an underwater photo for your wallpaper to cool you off. It is from Grand Cayman, photo site of Phillip W. Cohen. Stop by at my photo links page to get there http://funandmagic.com/photolinks2.htm . There are 3 services you should sign up for. Clean water, cheap long distance, and Paid2surf. See the links at the bottom. Have a magic day and pass it on. Magic Mike
Why do blonde nurses carry red magic markers? In case they need to draw blood.
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According to a recently published report, Marlon Brando shows up for work on his new film every day naked from the waist down. Columnist Liz Smith writes that some people who've worked with Brando on "The Score" -- which stars Robert De Niro, Edward Norton and Angela Bassett -- say the legendary actor's cast mates don't quite know what to make of his eccentric wardrobe choice. But some members of the company figure it's his way of guaranteeing that he will only be filmed from the shoulders up.
*** The Hollywood Reporter *** (FoxMuldoon
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John went to his friend's house unannounced, and he wanted to spend the night. His friend was sorry that he could not offer him a whole room, so he said, "You can sleep on the floor in the living room, or you can sleep in the room with Baby."
John said that he would prefer the floor.
The next morning he went to the bathroom, and there he met a gorgeous young blond. "Hi," he said, "who are you?"
"I'm Baby, and who are you?"
"I'm stupid," he said.
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Q. Why should you never iron a 4-leaf clover?
A. You don't want to press your luck!
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New Church Bulletin Bloopers
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= Sermon Outline: I. Delineate your fear II. Disown your fear III. Displace your rear
= Next Friday we will be serving hot gods for lunch.
= If you would like to make a donation, fill out a form, enclose a check and drip in the collection basket.
= Nov. 11: An evening of boweling at Lincoln Country Club.
= Women's Luncheon: Each member bring a sandwich. Polly Phillips will give the medication.
= Karen's beautiful solo: "It is Well With My Solo."
= Congratulations to Tim and Ronda on the birth of their daughter October 12 thru 17.
= If you choose to heave during the Postlude, please do so quietly.
= We are grateful for the help of those who cleaned up the grounds around the church building and the rector.
= Hymn: "I Love Thee My Ford."
= Sign-up sheet for anyone wishing to be water baptized on the table in the foyer.
= Newsletters are not being sent to absentees because of their weight.
= Helpers are needed! Please sign up on the information sheep.
= The Advent Retreat will be held in the lover level of St. Mary's Cathedral.
= The District Duperintendent will be meeting with the church boared.
= As soon as the weather clears up, the men will have a goof outing.
= Fifth Sinday is Lent.
= Thank you, dead friends.
= Diana and Don request your presents at their wedding.
= Lent is a period for preparing for Holy Weed and Easter.
= Bless the Lord, O my soul, and forget all His benefits.
= For the word of God is quick and powerful...piercing even to the dividing asunder of soup and spirit.
= Glory to God in the highest, and on earth peach to men.
= Definition: Persons who are shut-in during bath weather.
= Bring one dozen coolies wrapped for Christmas.
= The lovers in the exhaust fan are not working.
= Volunteers are needed to spit up food.
= Head Deacon and Dead Deaconess
= We pray that our people will jumble themselves.
-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=
-=-=-=-=-=-=-=
-=-==
Sometimes women are so interested and amazed at their husbands' joy and happiness they hire private detectives to find out the reason for it.
-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=
--=-=-=-=
An African chieftain flew to the United States to visit the president. When he arrived at the airport, a host of newsmen and television cameramen met him. One of the reporters asked the chief if he had a comfortable flight. The chief made a series of weird noises...."screech, scratch, honk, buzz, whistle, z-z-z-z-"...and then added in perfect English, "Yes, I had a very nice flight."
Another reporter asked, "Chief, do you plan to visit the Washington Monument while you're in the area?"
The chief made the same noises..."screech, scratch, honk, buzz, whistle, z-z-z-z"...and then said, "Yes, and I also plan to visit the White House and the Capitol Building."
"Where did you learn to speak such flawless English?" asked the next reporter. The chief replied, "Screech, scratch, honk, buzz, whistle, z-z-z-z...from the short-wave radio."
-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=
-=-=------=
Top 10 Reasons Why It's Better to Be Stupid
10. Nobody cares if you act stupid. 9. You can hold a firm belief in something like the existence of "space-cats" and nobody holds it against you. 8. The ability to inhale eggs through your nose is very popular at parties. 7. You can (apparently) easily become the President of the United States. 6. Lucky Charms. For you they really are magically delicious. 5. You already know the answer to the question: "What are you, stupid?" 4. You are now categorized. i.e.: Trekkies, Goths, Hackers, stupid people, etc. 3. You can talk to animals. At least you think you can. 2. It's like being in grade 8 for your whole life. 1. Breaking stuff. It never gets old. -- Have a magic day and pass it on. Magic Mike http://funandmagic.com/ / Get the cleanest, cheapest water for 6 cents a gallon. http://ld.net/?phon4less Get 3 cents/minute calls. Also, cheapest phone cards. Be PAID to surf. Make money on others, too.
Subject: Red Sky Panoramic, Steven Wright, cat lovers, Date: Thu, 27 Jul 2000 09:56:32 -0700 From: "Magic Mike B" <mmb Organization: http://funandmagic.com/ To: "you" <you
Hi, See a Red Sky Panoramic at Saguaro National Park, AZ. When clouds dot the sky near sunset, you can bet a wonderful twilight with dramatic lighting will fill the sky. http://funandmagic.com/photolinks2.htm .
Stop drinking, cooking, and bathing in Chlorine, and other toxins. Try my Multi-Pure filter free for 30 days. I know you'll love the cleanest water for only 6 cents a gallon. Free if you sell three. / .
Here is a really cool site. The Pinup Girls Gallery. See famous artwork from the 1940's through the 1960's of pinup girls, cute and sassy ladies that encouraged the troops to keep their flags flying. http://www.geocities.com/FashionAvenue/Salon/4039/index.html =-=-=-=====-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-
Blaise Pascal, the celebrated French mathematician, while working as a bookkeeper at the age of 19, invented a calculating machine in 1642.
The snake house of ancient Epidaurus, Greece, was visited by mental cases whose physicians felt that the sights there could cure them by the power of shock.
The mysterious vanishing lake of Amaraoti, India, Bairam Ghat, is alternately full of water for one year and dry for exactly 2 years.
-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=
-=-=-=-=-=-=-=
-=-
"I went to this restaurant last night that was set up like a big buffet in the shape of an Ouija board. You'd think about what kind of food you want, and the table would move across the floor to it."
~ Steven Wright
-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=
-=-=-=-=-=--=-=-=
For all you cat lovers out there! "An Ode To Furballs"
1. After dark, all cats are jaguars... 2. Never *ever* try to baptize a cat. 3. Cats are smarter than dogs. You cannot get a cat to pull a sled. 4. A cat knows your every thought. It doesn't care. But it knows . 5. If I want to hear the pitter patter of little feet, I will put shoes on my cat ... 6. Most people with cats, know they are being controlled. That's the horror of it ... 7. Never try to out stubborn a cat . 8. Thousands of years ago ,humans worshiped the cat . They have not forgotten this . . . 9. Whenever I bathe my cat, it takes an hour to get the fur off of my tongue. 10. I prefer to live with Feline Sapiens, thank you very much. 11. (picture of a fat tabby on a couch , looking at his owner, "My species domesticated your species... "
-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=
-=-=-=-=-=-=-=
"A Blonde with a Gun"
A young blonde woman is distraught because she fears her husband is having an affair, so she goes to a gun shop and buys a handgun. The next day she comes home to find her husband in bed with a beautiful redhead. She grabs the gun and holds it to her own head. The husband jumps out of bed, begging and pleading with her not to shoot herself. Hysterically the blonde responds to the husband, "shut up...you're next!"
-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=
-=-=-=-=-=-=-=
-=-=-=
A doctor told Mrs. Stone to give her husband one pill a day and one drink of whiskey to improve his stamina. A month later, when Mrs. Stone came in for another visit, the doctor asked, "How are we doing with the pill and the whiskey?"
Mrs. Stone answered, "Well, he's a little behind with the pills, but he's about six months ahead with the whiskey."
-
-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=
-=-=-=-=-=
Ladies, if he asks you if you're faking it, tell him NO. Tell him you're just practicing.
-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=
-=-=-=-=-=-=-=
-=
I've sometimes thought of marrying, and then I've thought again. Noel Coward -=-=-=-=-=-=-=--=-=-=-=-=-=-=--=-=-=-=-=-=-=--=-=-=-=-=-=-=--=-=-=-=-=
On a CBS radio interview, a Florida official (I missed his name) stated that due to the firestorms the Post Office had stopped delivering mail in those areas, and that anyone who really needed to get their mail could go to the local Post Office. He said that Post Office creed mentions rain and hail, but it doesn't say anything about fire.
-
-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=
-=-=-=-=-=-=
Signs You've had Too Much of The 90's
1. Your reason for not staying in touch with family is that they do not have email addresses.
2. If you can't order it by midnight and have it delivered by noon the next day, it is just too slow.
3. Your Stockbroker's name ends in ".com"
4. A Blind date means chatting online with someone you haven't met before.
5. Keeping up with sports means having your favorite sports teams as Bookmarks 6. Most of your books are bought online. "Real world" bookstores are now prized as your favorite cafe to hang out, work and meet people of the opposite sex.
7. Your food in the refrigerator has been there so long some, that you have received a grant from the National Institute for Health to do germ research.
8. You lecture the neighborhood kids selling lemonade on ways to improve their efficiency
9. You get all excited when it's Saturday and you can wear sweats to work.
10. You find you really need Power Point to explain what kind of work you do.
11. You normally eat out of vending machines and at the most expensive restaurant in town within the same week.
12. You apologize to your friends who didn't get holiday cards from you. "Sorry, I only sent "email cards" this year, you just didn't make the cut"
13. You think a "half-day" means leaving at 5 o'clock.
14. You get most of your jokes via email instead of in person. -- Have a magic day and pass it on. Magic Mike http://funandmagic.com/ /Subject: French photo site,
Planet Proctor
Date: Wed,
26 Jul 2000 01:56:27 -0700
From: "Magic
Mike Berger" <mmb
Organization: http://funandmagic.com/
To:"you"
<you
Remember. The mightiest oak was once a little nut that held its ground.
Hi,
Here is a nice wood door with a mail slot in
it. http://funandmagic.com/photolinks2.htm
.I thought it looked good as my background today.Of course, I like them all, so I use the 2 free slideshow
programs. The Screensaver
Slideshow sets up as a Slideshow Option under Windows/Screensavers.Did you know that Lucille Ball was romantically linked to
Orsen Wells? Here is a cool site
that will play your mind.
http://framelogic.planetclick.com:80/framelogic/frameset.pl/frameset/http/mrshowbiz.go.com/games/linked/index.html
Remember, help me and yourself out by signing up
for cheap long distance and cheap (or
free) clean water.
-Magic Mike
http://funandmagic.com/
One night at an economy motel, I ordered a 6 a.m. wake-upcall. The next morning, I awoke before 6, but the phone
did
not ring until 6:30. "Good morning," a young man
said
sheepishly. "This is your wake-up call."
Annoyed, I let the hotel worker have it. "You
were supposed
to call me at 6!: I complained. "What if I had
a million-dollar
deal to close this morning, and your oversight made me missout on it?"
"Well, sir," the desk clerk quickly replied,
"if you had a million-
dollar deal to close, you wouldn't be staying in this motel!"
-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=
-=-=-=-=-=
Little Johnny wanted to go to the zoo and pestered hisparents for days. Finally his mother talked his reluctant
father
into taking him.
"So how was it?" his mother asked when they returned home.
"Great," Little Johnny replied.
"Did you and your father have a good time?"
asked his
mother.
"Yeah, Daddy especially liked it," exclaimed
Little Johnny
excitedly, especially when one of the animals came racinghome at 30 to 1!"
-==-==--=-=-=-=-==-===-=-==-=-=-=-=
When my three-year-old son opened the birthday gift from
his
grandmother, he discovered a water pistol. He squealed withdelight and headed for the nearest sink.
I was not so pleased. I turned to Mom and said, "I'msurprised at you. Don't you remember how we used to driveyou crazy with water guns?"
Mom smiled and then replied, "Oh, I remember."
-=-=-=--=-==---===--------=-=-=
Your lucky number has been disconnected.
I get enough exercise just by pushing my luck.
"Advice is what we ask for when we already know the
answer but wish we
didn't."
Death is life's way of telling you you've been fired.
-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=--=-=-=-=-=
Top NFL Ref. Complaints
1.After shooting the blank gun to end the half, the Dallas
Cowboy players start shooting
back with live ammunition.
2.Anyone who makes a call against the Detroit Lions risks
pissing off their last remaining
fan.
3.With Reggie White retired, the penalty for "Illegal
use of a racial slur" is
meaningless.
4.Just when we thought it was safe to be an NFL Ref, we have
to go back to CLEVELAND!!!
5.Everyone else gets to wear their Autumn colors, but for
me it's black and white week
after week after week!
6.Don King only bribes boxing judges.
7.Official rule books not made in Braille.
8.I'm the one that everybody wants to kill, so where's MY
helmet and pads?!
-
-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=
-=-=-=-=
ANSWER MACHINE
Thanks for calling the psychic hotline. I'm not
in my office right now, but leave your
number and what you think of when you hear the following:
orange, mother, unicorn. Also,
leave me a brief history of your childhood. Thank you.
--=-=--=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=
Subject:
PP 2000/17
Date:
Thu, 20 Jul 2000 15:23:47 -0400
From:
"phil proctor" <PProctor@compuserve.com
To:
"3" <pproctor@compuserve.com
((((((((((((((((((( PLANET PROCTOR 2000/17 -
http://www.planetproctor.com
"Earth First! We'll Screw Up The Other Planets Later!"- L.A. bumpersticker
SPEAK, TOTO,
SPEAK!
Well, I'm back
in Kansas after barking for seven days in "The
Wonderful Wizard of Oz" audioplay, and boy is my tail
tired.
Playing "Toto"
opposite Michelle (Dorothy) Trachtenberg, Rene
(Scarecrow) Aubergonois, Robert (Lion) Guillaume and Nestor
(Tin Man)
Serrano under David Ossman and Judith Walcutt's watchful
ears, was an
experience I'll never forget. With a cast that includes
stars like Phyllis
(Bad Witch) Diller, Annette (Glinda) Bening, Harry (The Wizard)
Anderson,
Mark (Munchkin) Hamill and John (Gatekeeper) Goodman how
could it not be?
I also got to
work with Edie McClurg, Rob Poulsen & Maurice
LaMarche ("Pinkie & The Brain"), Jennifer Hale,
Raye Birk, Joanna Gleason,
Micheal Learned, Norman Corwin and Melinda Peterson; with
special guests
including Thane Tierney from Rhino, the Reader's Group and
various
officials from the Children's Museum, almost all of David
Ossman's children
and grandchildren, editor Taylor Jessen, and actor Peter
Johnson, who came
all the way from Colorado to be a Munchkin.
This will be released
as a 3-CD set and an NPR special that's
destined to become a classic, with all profits going to the
L.A. Children's
Museum; and during breaks at Warren Dewey's Santa Monica
Studios, we
discussed many things, including anecdotes about the late,
great Walter
Matthau...
"Tequila jalapeno cilantro Scottish smoked
salmon with traditional
garnishes"
- appetizer at
L.A.'s Sedona
Restaurant
MATUSCHANSKAVASKY,
INDEED
According to all
the obituaries, that is supposed to be Mr.
Matthau's given name - but it's not! As revealed in
Mike Downey's L.A.
Times column, and confirmed by Nestor Serrano, it was actually
a "George
Spelvin" credit that Walter made up for a film role
that he felt
misrepresented his talents in the final edit. His real
name was spelled
Matthow, with "an emphasis on the 'ow." In discussing
the Turner Miniseries, "Nuremberg", Rene told a storyabout a trip to Dachau that Walter and his wife once took.
It seems they
got into a terrible argument in the car on the way to the
camp, and after
the tour, Walter got back in and said:
"Well, I
hope you're satisfied. You ruined Dachau for me!"
Rene also told
us that when he was called to read for his role as
an early American preacher in "The Patriot," his
agent told him that Mel
Gibson was looking for someone like the minister in "Mash." "That was
ME," said Rene. "I originated the role!"
Apparently his young representative had never seen the show.
But that's no
reason to give up show business; after all, he got the part.
"To be attacked as a menace to the theater
was the first real sign that
I had a contribution to make there." - Writer Dawn Powell
(1913-2965)
IT ONLY HURTS
WHEN I LIST
When in Sand Diego
recently to see our friend Kathleen Freeman stop
the show in "The Full Monty" and to enjoy the opening
night of Dakin
Matthew's brilliantly directed "Henry V" at the
Old Globe, Melinda and I
killed time by shuffling through an exhibit in Balboa Park
on "Torture and
Intolerance" at the Museum of Man.
Besides the classic
favorites like "Old Sparky", the Guillotine and
the Rack, we found among the bloody lexicon of man's ingenious
inhumanity
to humanity in the service of the church, the following colorfully
named
devices:
"The Heretic's
Fork, The Little Spoon, Shrew's Fiddles, Branks,
Flails, Mute's Bridals and Rectal Pears; St Elmo's Belt,
Jock's Mare, Cat's
Tongues and Knee Splitters; Alligator Pliers, The Bishop's
Kite, The Stork,
The Scavenger's Daughter, The Iron Maiden, Iron Gags, Chastity
Belts and
the Self-Mortifying Ring."
The object, of
course, was to keep the victim alive and conscious
in the most excruciating pain for the longest time possible.
Kind of like
watching television. And speaking of that, did anyone
else notice that one
of the major sponsors for Turner's mini-series "Nuremburg"
was -
Volkswagen?
"The dark moment the caterpillar
calls the end of the world is the
sun-filled moment the butterfly calls the beginning."
- From The Science of
Mind
DID YOU SURVIVE
"SURVIVOR"?
...or is only Big Brother watching?
As sociologist
and author Daniel J. Boorstin notes in his Antheum
book "The Image: Or What Happened to the American
Dream?" --
"Counterfeit
happenings tend to drive spontaneous happenings out of
circulation. By a diabolical irony, the very facsimiles of
the world, which
we make on purpose to bring it within our grasp and make
it less elusive,
have transported us into a new world of blurs." Or as the unattainably
sexy Darva Conger said in a Playboy news
conference, quoted in Jeannette Walls' "Scoop"
Newsletter:
"I'm worried,
very worried. We're becoming a nation of voyeurs."
(Can't wait to see the rest of her airbrushed comments in
the August
edition!)
"In ancient Egypt, crocodile dung suppositories
were used for
contraception"
-
Phil's Funny Facts CASTING!
(AWAY)
From a fax I found
in the wastebasket at Walt Disney Studios: "To
Whom It May Concern:
I live in the
small town of Epuyen, Province of Chubut, Argentina.
I am writing to propose the return of the "Three Stooges."
There are three
young children, ages 8, 5 and 8, who remarkably resemble
the original
"three Stooges."
I would like an
address where I could send pictures and/or video
filming of them. I would further request...that you would
please consider
incorporating their talents in the manner you see appropriate." (Well, look, if they've seen
a vision of the Virgin Mary wearing
mouse ears, we might be interested...)
"I went into a McDonald's yesterday
and said, 'I'd like some fries.' The
girl at the counter said, 'Would you like some fries with
that?'" -- Jay
Leno
DON'T ASK,
DON'T TELL
Jake was on his
deathbed. His wife, Susan, was maintaining a vigil
by his side. She held his fragile hand, and tears ran down
her face. Her
praying roused him from his slumber. He looked up and his
pale lips began
to move slightly. "My darling Susan," he whispered. "Hush, my
love," she said. "Rest. Don't talk."
He was insistent.
"Susan," he said in his tired voice. "I have
something I must confess to you."
"There's
nothing to confess," replied the weeping Susan.
"Everything's all right, go to sleep."
"No, no.
I must die in peace, Susan. I slept with your sister, your
best friend, and your mother."
"I know,"
she replied. "That's why I poisoned you." (From Bob
Joles)
"May you live as long as you want, and never want as long as you live!"
BOOZE FOR OLD
BOYS
Johnny's Walker
Mick Callan's 112-year old Scotch
Captain Morgan-David Wine
Rolling Stop Beer
Slow Gin
Pina Colonic
Red Whine (Post Cold War Special Release)
Milk of Amnesia
(I forget the rest...pproctor)
"Did you ever walk into a room and forget
why you walked in? I think
that's how dogs spend their lives."- Sue Murphy
COMPOUND FRACTURES Well, the Branch
Davidians seem to have lost their $675-million
lawsuit against the U.S. Government after a few unsettling
facts as
reported by Associated Press, appeared at the trial. Around three hundred
charred and melted rifles and pistols were
uncovered in the razed buildings, including 60 M-16 machine
guns, 60 AK47
assault rifles, and approximately 30 AR-15 rifles.
85 weapons were in the
front of the complex and another 144 in a concrete vault
where 22 weapons
were found under corpses as well as an unexploded grenade. Tapes made during
the siege were played that contained phrases
like: "Start the fire?"-- "Let's keep that
fire going!" -- "Should we light
the package? -- "There's nothing like a good fire
to bring us to the
earth." -- and my personal favorite -- "You always
wanted to be a charcoal
briquette."
(Or, as I saw the other day
on a bumpersticker: "Does the name Pavlov
ring a bell?" )
"A lawyer is a person who writes a 10,000
word document and calls it a
'brief.'" - Franz Kafka
LONG LIVE DEATH! F.M. Esfandiary,
better known as FM2030, because of his expectation
that he would live to turn 100, has died at the age of 69.This "chronic" optimist who "translived"
all over the world, felt that if
he had been implanted with any artificial body parts, a person's
age was
irrelevant; and according to the L.A. Times' Myrna Oliver,
"He had a hip
that was only two years old." Still, FM tuned
out after his pancreas
failed -- an organ for which as of yet no synthetic substitute
has been
created and that he recently denounced as "a stupid,
dumb, wretched organ."
Lest you think
him a humbug, however, it should be pointed out that
he was an acclaimed visionary who predicted sperm and egg
banks, genetic
engineering, teleshopping and tele-education and a popular
lecturer who
wrote books on many futurist subjects, such as: "Optimism
One,"
"Up-Wingers," "Are you a Transhuman"
and "Telespheres" although his books
were "concise" for he believed that today's "high-tech"
citizens demand
"interaction and feedback."
20/30, as he was
known to his innumerable friends, also eschewed
nationalism, saying "There are no illegal immigrants,
only irrelevant
borders," and declaring further, "We are
at the beginning of an age of
limitless abundance. There is no scarcity; there is
only the psychology of
scarcity."
His latest work,
"Countdown to Immortality," remains unfinished.
"When I'm on the Net, I'm a citizen
of the world. I can see how the
world is evolving. And I can see forever." - Haitian
graphic designer
Dmitri Fourcand
WHAT THE HELL The following
is an actual question given on a University of
Washington chemistry mid-term: "Is Hell exothermic (gives
off heat) or
endothermic (absorbs heat)? Support your answer with a proof." Most of the students
wrote proofs of their beliefs using Boyle's
Law (gas cools off when it expands and heats up when it is
compressed) or
some variant. One student, however, wrote the following: "First, we
need to know how the mass of Hell is changing in time.
So, we need to know the rate that souls are moving into Hell
and the rate
they are leaving. I think that we can safely assume
that once a soul gets
to Hell, it will not leave. Therefore, no souls are leaving. As for how many
souls are entering Hell, let's look at the
different religions that exist in the world today.
Some of these religions
state that if you are not a member of their religion, you
will go to Hell.
Since there are more than one of these religions and since
people do not
belong to more than one religion, we can project that all
people and all
souls go to Hell. With birth and death rates as they are,
we can expect the
number of souls in Hell to increase exponentially. Now, we look at
the rate of change of the volume in Hell because
Boyle's Law states that in order for the temperature
and pressure in Hell
to stay the same, the volume of Hell has to expand as souls
are added.
This gives two possibilities. 1) If Hell is expanding
at a slower rate
than the rate at which souls enter Hell, then the temperature
and pressure
in Hell will increase until all Hell breaks loose. 2) Of course,
if Hell is expanding at a rate faster than the
increase of souls in Hell, then the temperature and pressure
will drop
until Hell freezes over. So which is it?
If we accept the
postulate given to me by Ms. Therese Banyan during
my Freshman year 'That it will be a cold night in Hell before
I sleep with
you,' and take into account the fact that I still have not
succeeded in
having relations with her, then: (2) cannot be true, and
thus I am sure
that Hell is exothermic."
(The student got the only A.)
"I can't Believe in a God who wants to be praised all the time." - Neitsche
BALLS!
A guy is standing in front of his locker at the country club
admiring a
golf ball in his hand. One of his golfing buddies says
to him, "New ball?"
The guy says, "Would you believe this is the greatest
golf ball ever made!
You can't lose it -- you hit it into the rough and it whistles.
You hit it
into the woods and a bell goes off. You drive it into the
lake and a big
burst of steam goes off six feet in the air for two whole
minutes."
"That's amazing",
says the friend, "Where'd you get it?"
"I found it." (From The Friars
Club)
"The best cure for insomnia is getting a lot of sleep." - WC Fields
+++++++++++(JULY 20, 2000)++++++++++
*
FIRESIGN SITE: www.firesigntheatre.com (New and Improved!)
* FIRESIGN PRODUCT: www.lodestone-media.com
* FUNNY TIMES: www.funnytimes.com
*PLANET PROCTOR: http://www.planetproctor.com
(Under New Management!)
PLANET PROCTOR (C) 2000 by Phil Proctor
--
Have a magic day and pass it on. Magic Mike http://funandmagic.com// Get the cleanest, cheapest water
for 6 cents a gallon.
http://ld.net/?phon4less Get 3 cents/minute calls. Also,
cheapest phone cards.
http://funandmagic.com/paid2surf.html Be PAID to surf. Make money
on others, too.
Subject:
Another beautiful sunset in Sonara
Date:
Mon, 24 Jul 2000 15:29:58 -0700
From:
"Magic Mike B" <mmb
Organization:
http://funandmagic.com/
To:
"you" <you
Hi,
See another wallpaer from Senora, starring those
pictorial legends, Sunset and Saguaro
Cacti http://funandmagic.com/photolinks2.htm .
My site has moved to Hypermart, from Bizland.
Hopefully there will be less downtime.
Use magicm.bizland and magicm.50megs as mirror sites, but
they might not be updated, so
always you funandmagic.com unless it's down.
-Magic Mike
ABBOTT & COSTELLO LEARN HEBREW
by Rabbi Jack Moline
ABBOTT: I see you're here for your Hebrew lesson.COSTELLO: I'm ready to learn.
A: Now, the first thing you must understand. is that Hebrew
and English
have many words which sound alike, but they do not mean the
same thing.
C: Sure, I understand.
A: Now, don't be too quick to say that.
C: How stupid do you think I am? Don't answer that.
It's simple-some
words in Hebrew sound like words in English, but they
don't mean the same.
A: Precisely.
C: We have that word in English, too. What does it mean in
Hebrew?
A: No, no. Precisely is an English word.
C: I didn't come here to learn English, I came to learn Hebrew.
So make
with the Hebrew.
A: Fine. Let's start with mee.
C: You.
A: No, mee.
C: Fine, we'll start with you.
A: No, we'll start with mee.
C: Okay, have it your way.
A: Now, mee is who.
C: You is Abbott.
A: No, no, no. Mee is who.
C: You is Abbott.
A: You don't understand.
C: I don't understand? Did you just say me is who?A: Yes I did. Mee is who.
C: You is Abbott.
A: No, You misunderstand what I am saying. Tell me
about mee.
C: Well, you're a nice enough guy.
A: No, no. Tell me about mee!
C: Who?
A: Precisely.
C: Precisely what?
A: Precisely who.
C: It's precisely whom!
A: No, mee is who.
C: Don't start that again-go on to something else.A: All right. Hu is he.
C: Who is he?
A: Yes.
C: I don't know. Who is he?
A: Sure you do. You just said it.
C: I just said what?
A: Hu is he.
C: Who is he?
A: Precisely.
C: Again with the precisely! Precisely who?A: No, precisely hee.
C: Precisely he? Who is he?
A: Precisely!
C: And what about me?
A: Who.
C: Me, me, me!
A: Who, who, who!
C: What are you, an owl? Me! Who is me?A: No, hu is he!
C: I don't know; maybe he is me!
A: No, hee is she!
C: (STARE AT ABBOTT) Do his parents know about this?A: About what?
C: About her!
A: What about her?
C: That she is he!
A: No, you've got it wrong-hee is she!
C: Then who is he?
A: Precisely!
C: Who?
A: He!
C: Me?
A: Who!
C: He?
A: She!
C: Who is she?
A: No, hu is he.
C: I don't care who is he; I want to know who is she?A: No, that's not right.
C: How can it not be right? I said it. I was
standing here when I said
it, and I know me.
A: Who.
C: Who?
A: Precisely!
C: Me! Me is that he you are talking about! He
is me!
A: No, hee is she!
C: Wait a Minute, wait a minute! I'm trying to learn a little
Hebrew, and
now I can't even speak English. Let me review.
A: Go ahead.
C: Now first You want to know me is who.
A: Correct.
C: And then you say who is he.
A: Absolutely.
C: And then you tell me he is she.
A&C: Precisely!
C: Now look at this logically. If me is who.
And who is he. And he is
she. Don't it stand to reason that me is she?A: Who!
C: She!
A: That is hee!
C: Who is he?
A&C: Precisely!
C: I have just about had it. You have me confused I
want to go home. You
know what I want? Ma!
A: What.
C: I said Ma.
A: What.
C: What are you, deaf? I want Ma!
A: What!
C: Not what, who!
A: He!
C: Not he! Ma is not he!
A: Of course not! Hu is he!
C: I don't know. I don't know. I don't care.
I don't care who is he, he
is she, me is who, ma is what. I just want to
go home now and play with
my dog.
A: Fish.
C: Fish?
A: Dag is fish.
C: That's all, I'm outa here.
-
-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=
--=-=-=
IT'S SO HOT IN TEXAS THAT...
"The birds have to use pot holders to pull worms
out of the ground.
The potatoes cook underground and all you have to do to have
lunch is to
pull one out and add butter, salt and pepper.
Farmers are feeding their chickens crushed ice to keep them
from laying
hard-boiled eggs.
IT'S SO DRY IN TEXAS THAT..."
The cows are giving evaporated milk.
The trees are whistling for the dogs.
A sad Texan once prayed, "I wish it would rain - not
so much for me, cuz
I've seen it - but for my 7-year old."
A visitor to Texas once asked, "Does it ever rain out
here?" A rancher
quickly answered, "Yes, it does. Do you remember
that part in the Bible
where it rained for 40 days and 40 nights?" The
visitor replied, "Yes,
I'm familiar with Noah's flood." "Well,"
said the rancher puffed up, "we
got about two and a half inches of that."
"YOU KNOW YOU'RE IN TEXAS WHEN..."
You no longer associate bridges (or rivers) with water.You can say 110 degrees without fainting.
You eat hot chilies to cool your mouth off.
You can make instant sun tea.
You learn that a seat belt makes a pretty good branding iron.When the temperature drops below 95, you feel a bit chilly.You discover that in July, it takes only 2 fingers to drive
your car.
You discover that you can get a sunburn through your car
window.
You notice the best parking place is determined by shade
instead of
distance.
Hot water now comes out of both taps.
It's noon in July, the kids are on summer vacation, and not
one person is
out on the streets.
You actually burn your hand opening the car door.You break a sweat the instant you step outside and it's only
7:30 am.
No one would dream of putting vinyl upholstery in a car or
not having air
conditioning.
Your biggest bicycle wreck fear is, "What if I get knocked
out and end up
lying on the pavement and cook to death?"
You realize asphalt has a liquid state.
-==--=--=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-
At one point during a game, the coach said to one of his young players,
"Do you understand what cooperation is?
What a team is?" The little boy
nodded in the affirmative.
"Do you understand that what matters is whether we win together as a team?"
The little boy nodded yes.
"So," the coach continued, "when a strike
is called, or you're out at
first,
you don't argue or curse or attack the umpire. Do you
understand all
that?"
Again the little boy nodded.
"Good," said the coach. "Now go over there and explain it to your mother."
-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=
-=--=-=---
One afternoon, this guy drives down a highway to visit
a nearby lake
and relax. On his way to the lake, a guy dressed from
head to toe in red
standing on the side of the highway gestures for him to stop.
The first guy rolls down the window and says, "How can I help you?"
"I am the red jerk of the highway. You got something to eat?"
With a smile in his face, the first guy hands a
sandwich to the guy in
red and drives away. Not even five minutes later, he
comes across another
guy. This guy is dressed fully in yellow, standing on the
side and
waving for him to stop.
A bit irritated, our guy stops, cranks down the
window, and says,
"What can I do for you?"
"I am the yellow jerk of the highway. You got something to drink?"
Hardly managing to smile this time, he hands the guy
a can of Coke and
stomps on the pedal and takes off again. In order to
make it to the
lakeside before sunset, he decides to go faster and
not to stop no
matter what.
To his frustration, he sees another guy on the side
of the road, this
one dressed in blue and signaling for him to stop.
Reluctantly, our guy
decides to stop one last time, rolls down his window, and
yells, "Let
me guess. You're the blue jerk of the highway, and
just what the heck do
you wanna have?"
"Driver's license and registration, please."
-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-===-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=--=
While I was visiting my sister at college, we entered
the
cafeteria, and she immediately warned me to stay away fromthe main course. "How do you know it isn't good?"
I asked.
"You haven't even seen it."
She pointed to the tub of peanut butter, which was alwaysavailable as an alternative, and explained, "Any time
there
are more than five knives in the peanut butter, you know
the
food is bad."
-=----=---=--=-=-=-=-=-=--=-=-=-=
Cow Fights
A number of years ago, a first-grade teacher took her
class to the dairy.
While the class was looking through the big glass viewing
windows at the
cows being herded in, a couple of sexually-confused cows
decided to mount
the cow next to them. Then the students saw the cows get
milked and enjoyed
the rest of the tour.
The next day the class had to write about what they saw.Every kid in the class wrote about the cow fights they had seen.
--
-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=
-
Teacher: Well, at least there's one thing I can say about Little Johnny.
Little Johnny's father: What's that?
Teacher: With grades like these, he couldn't be cheating.
-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=
-=-=-=-
A teacher asked one of the boys in her class, "Can
people predict the
future with cards?"
His response was, "My mother can."
The teacher replied, "Really?"
The young boy was quick to explain, "Yes, she takes
one look at my report
card and tells me what will happen when my father gets home."
-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=
-=-=-=-=-
These Are Actual Answers From Students On Music Exams.
The principal singer of nineteenth century opera was called pre-Madonna.
Gregorian chant has no music, just singers singing the same lines.
Sherbet composed the Unfinished Symphony.
All female parts were sung by castrati. We don't know
exactly what they
sounded like because there are no known descendants.
Young scholars have expressed their rapture for the Bronze
Lullaby, the
Taco Bell Cannon, Beethoven's Erotica, Tchaikovsky Cracknutter
Suite, and
Gershwin's Rap City in Blue.
Music sung by two people at the same time is called a
duel; if they sing
without music it is called Acapulco.
A virtuoso is a musician with real high morals.
Contralto is a low sort of music that only ladies sing.
Probably the most marvelous fugue was the one between
the Hatfields and the
McCoys.
A harp is a nude piano.
Refrain means don't do it. A refrain in music is the part
you'd better not
try to sing.
I know what a sextet is, but I'd rather not say.
My favorite composer was Opus. Agnus Dei was a woman composer
famous for
her church music.
Johann Sebastian Bach wrote a great many musical compositions
and had a
large number of children. In between he practiced on an old
spinster which
he kept up in his attic.
Rock Monanoff was a famous post-romantic composer of piano concerti.
-==-=-=-=--=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-
A father observed his son as he went to the refrigerator
and
pulled out a frog. He proceeded to place the frog in a cagemade out of twigs. The boy then open ed a bottle of Cloroxand started pouring it through the cage onto the frog. Thefather asked him, "Son, what in the world are you doing?"
"I'm trying to change this frog's color from green to white."
"But son, don't you know that you can't bleach a
cold frog
through sticks?"
--
Have a magic day and pass it on. Magic Mike http://funandmagic.com// Get the cleanest, cheapest water
for 6 cents a gallon.
http://ld.net/?phon4less Get 3 cents/minute calls. Also,
cheapest phone cards.
http://funandmagic.com/paid2surf.html Be PAID to surf. Make money
on others, too.
Subject:
site is down, jokes anyway
Date:
Sun, 23 Jul 2000 09:30:35 -0700
From:
"Michael Berger" <magicmb@uswest.net
Organization:
http://funandmagic.com/
To:
"you" <you
Hi,
I am transferring my domain and the site is
down on the domain name.
The domain transfer will complete tomorrow. Have a Butterfly on your desk from Sunlit Gallery,
photos of JR Cotti and Susan S.
Cotti
-=--=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=
I stayed up all night playing poker with tarot cards.I got a full house and four people died.
Steven Wright
-
-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=
-=-=-=-=---=
Eighty years after Little Big Horn, an East Coast journalist
began
research on George Armstrong Custer. A friend told him that
an Indian
that lived through that experience was still living and furthermoreremembered EVERY event of his long life.
The journalist visited Chief Big Eagle, who now lived
in a small town in
Pennsylvania. When he arrived and stated his purpose, the
Chief agreed to
answer his questions.
"On what day of the week did the event take place?" the reporter asked.
"Wednesday," replied the chief.
"What was Custer wearing?"
"Black uniform....ceremony sword....old hat"
"What did Custer eat for breakfast?"
"Eggs." The journalist was skeptical and figured
anyone could make up
these answers. He left, and never published his article.
Ten years later, the journalist was driving through the
same small
town. He decided to see if the old chief was still living.
To his
surprise, the chief was. As the journalist walked in, he
raised his hand
in the air to the chief and said,
"How!"
The chief replied, "Over easy, potatoes on the side."
-
-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=
-=-=-=-=-=-=
A woman drove a mini van filled with a dozen screaming
kids through the
mall parking lot, looking for a space. Obviously frazzled,
she coasted
through a stop sign.
"Hey, lady, have you forgotten how to stop?" yelled an irate man.
She rolled down her window and yelled back, "What
makes you think these are
all mine?"
-=-=-=-=--=-=-=-=-=-=-=---
A girl went out on a date with a trumpet player, and when
she
came back her roommate asked, "Well, how was it? Did
his
embouchure make him a great kisser?"
"Nah," the first girl replied. "That dry,
tight, tiny little pucker;
it was no fun at all."
The next night she went out with a tuba player, and when
she
came back her roommate asked, "Well, how was hiskissing?"
"Ugh!" the first girl exclaimed. "Those
huge, rubbery,
blubbery, slobbering slabs of meat; oh, it was just gross!"
The next night she went out with a French horn player,
and
when she came back her roommate asked, "Well, how washis kissing?"
"Well," the first girl replied, "his kissing
was just so-so; but I
loved the way he held me!"
-=-=-
-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=
-=-=-=-=-=-=--
Dummest Internet Question
"If I move my computer and plug it into a different
phone line, will I still be able to
connect to the Internet?" (Bazill)
--
Have a magic day and pass it on. Magic Mike http://funandmagic.com// Get the cleanest, cheapest water
for 6 cents a gallon.
http://ld.net/?phon4less Get 3 cents/minute calls. Also,
cheapest phone cards.
http://funandmagic.com/paid2surf.html Be PAID to surf. Make money
on others, too.
Subject:
hot plasma coil
Date:
Thu, 20 Jul 2000 09:54:16 -0700
From:
"Magic Mike B" <mmb
Organization:
http://funandmagic.com/
To:
"you" <you
"I saw a bank that said "24 Hour Banking",
but I don't have
that much time."
~Steven Wright
Hi,
See an amazing plasma coil at http://funandmagic.com/photolinks2.htm
. "On July 14th,
solar active region 9077 (AR9077) produced a massive flare.
The event also blasted an
enormous cloud of energetic charged particles toward planet
Earth, triggering magnetic
storms and dramatic auroral displays. This striking close-up
of AR9077 was made by the
orbiting TRACE satellite shortly after the flare erupted.
It shows million degree hot
solar plasma cooling down while suspended in an arcade of
magnetic loops."
Try a Multi-Pure filter for a 30 day free trial. Reply to 30daytrial@cleanestwater.com.
Sometimes I wonder about these jokes I get in email. WHO
WRITES THEM? They all seem to be
written by the same guy. And I say "guy" because
they seem like they are written by men.
Do women write any of these "crude sexist" jokes,
I wonder. I don't know, maybe they do?
It's like blowing gas. Everyone does it, don't they? Oh well,
here's what came in today.
Have a magic day and pass it on.
-Magic Mike
http://funandmagic.com/.
Silent, But Deadly
I looked for the Elevator -
As I walked in the door ...
I was heading "Up" -
To the 32nd, floor ...
I mean, what the heck -
What else, do you do ...
It's not like, it was only -
Just a flight, or two ...
I pushed the button -
You always have to wait ...
Come on elevator -
I'm already late ...
Finally, it's here -
And as the door, opened wide ...
Seems like a hundred -
Must have ran inside ...
No biggie', I thought -
As we all squeezed together ...
Some of them said nothing -
Some talked, about the weather ...
Most, were looking up -
At the numbers, of the floors ...
A few looked straight ahead -
Staring, at the doors ...
Then, all of a sudden -
All eyes, got Big ...
And the guy behind me -
Started dancin', a jig ...
Coughing and gagging -
I wondered, what was wrong ...
A question, that was answered -
With a smell, that was strong ...
There was no noise -
So I knew, what it had to be ...
Someone had gassed us -
With an S.B.D. ...
Those big eyes, started watering -
People were, grabbin' their nose ...
It was obvious, that someone -
Needed to change, their clothes ...
Hands were reaching for the buttons -
Trying to stop, at the next floor ...
Let me out of here, they shouted -
I can't take, any more ...
The door finally opened -
The people were all in a panic ...
Was this, an Elevator -
Or was this, the Titanic...
We all made it off -
Including the one, that caused the stink ...
We didn't find out who it was -
Or they would have been dead, in a wink ...
The crowd disappeared -
No one, even wanted to talk ...
And for the first time, I didn't mind -
About 25 story walk ...
SIGNS YOU'VE GONE OVERBOARD WITH HOME IMPROVEMENTS
You've built a drive-thru car wash in the second slot of your 2-car garage.
You'll use any excuse to add a new room onto the house,
including needing more space for
the newest
addition to the family -- your daughter's goldfish Buffy.
Even Martha Stewart has deemed your multi-level, hydraulically-operated
kitchen is "a bit
overdone."
You've converted the standard stall shower into a "bathing
waterfall," complete with
tropical plants.
Your rear-projection, surround-sound TV room can comfortably
seat 43, and you're trying to
make
arrangements with Universal for first run films.
Your dog has a duplex doghouse out back, even though he
sleeps in bed with you every
night.
The local building department says you can't add a fourth
floor to a house that was
originally zoned as
a single level dwelling.
You bought and demolished your next-door neighbors house
to make room for an Olympic size
swimming
pool.
You've installed a small freight elevator going to your attic.
You've built an FAA-approved helipad on your roof.
-
-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=
-=-=-=-=-=-=-=
-=-=-=-=
What's the difference between a fisherman and a lazy schoolboy?A fisherman baits his hooks, while a lazy schoolboy hates his books.
-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=
-=-=-=-=-=
Easter eggs
After the egg hunt on Easter Sunday, the young farm boy
decided to play a
prank. He went to the chicken coop and replaced every
single egg with a
brightly colored one.
A few minutes later the rooster walked in saw all the
colored eggs, then
stormed outside and killed the peacock.
-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=
-=--=-=-=-
Two Good Old Boys Gone Fishing...
There were these two guys from Alabama who love to fish,
and they wanted to
try some ice fishing.
They'd heard about it up in Canada, and they took off for
up there. The
lakes were frozen nicely! They stopped just before they got
to a lake at a
little bait shop and got all their tackle. One of them said,
"We're going
to need an ice pick."
So they got that, and they took off. In about two hours,
one of them was
back at the shop and said, "We're going to need another
dozen ice picks."
Well, the fellow in the shop wanted to ask some questions,
but he didn't.
He sold him the picks, and the the guy left.
In about an hour, he was back. "We're going to need
all the ice picks you've
got."
The bait man couldn't stand it any longer. "By the way,"
he asked, "how are
you fellows doing?"
"Not very well at all," he said. "We don't
even have the boat in the water yet."
-=-=-==
-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=
-=-=-=-=-
- In 1920, the New York Times publicly scoffed at Prof.
Robert Goddard, the
father of space exploration, for his outrageous claim that
rockets could
function in a vacuum. "He seems only to lack the knowledge
ladled out daily in high
schools," the paper said in the January 13 issue. However,
in July, 1969,
when Apollo 11 proved all Goddard's assumptions correct,
the Times published the
statement: "It is now definitely established that a
rocket can function in a
vacuum. The Times regrets [it's] error."
- The country of Iran was formerly known as Persia. What
was it known as
before that? The answer is Iran.
- A firefly is not a fly - it's a beetle
- If you want to test the freshness of a raw egg, put
it in in a pan of cold water.
A very fresh egg will rest on it's side at the bottom of
the pan of water. An
old egg will float to the top - throw it away. If it stays
on the bottom but one
end tends to tilt upwards, use it soon or it will spoil within
a few days.
-=-=-==-=-=-=-=-=-===-=-=-=-=-==-=-=-======
The blonde wife came home from her first day commuting
into
the city. Her husband noticed she was looking a little peakedand asked, "Honey, are you feeling all right?"
"Not really," she replied. "I'm nauseous
from sitting backward
on the train."
"Poor dear," he said. "Why didn't
you ask the person sitting
across from you to switch seats for a while?"
"I couldn't," she replied, "there was no one there."
-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=
-=-=-=-=
After many years, Mother and Father bring in their 5 sons
to
have a talk with them and get something off their chest.
Dad
says, "Come on in here and sit down, boys. Your
mother and
I have something to tell you. I know it's not going
to be easy
to hear, but . . . your mother and I were never married."
The boys sit there, dumbfounded, heads in their hands,
not
knowing how to react.
After several moments in awkward silence went by, themother, not being able to handle it any longer, says, "Well?Aren't you bastards going to say anything?"
-=-=-=-=-=-
-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=
-=-=-=
At one point in my life I had considered joining the BaptistChurch. For those of you who don't know, the Baptistspractice total body immersion to baptize a person.
Luckily I
even knew a minister in that faith, having dated his daughter,and I asked him if he would consider performing the service.
He paused a minute or two, gave me a long thoughtful lookand said, "Jimmy, if you're serious about this, a dipping
just
won't do it for you. We'll have to find a place to
anchor you
overnight."
-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=
-=-=-=-=-=
Joe, the neighborhood chronic borrower approached hisneighbor, "Ray, may I borrow your axe?"
"Not today," Ray replied, "I have to make soup."
"What kind of excuse it that?!" demanded Joe.
"Well," confessed Ray, "I admit its a lousy
excuse. But, if I
don't want to loan you my axe, one excuse is as good asanother."
-
-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=
-=-=-=-=-=-
The Boss's Basic Rules
1.The Boss is always right!
2.In the impossible hypothesis that a subordinate may be
right, becomes immediately
operative.
3.The boss does not sleep; he rests.
4.The Boss is never late; he is delayed elsewhere.5.The Boss never leaves his work; his attention is required
elsewhere.
6.The Boss never reads the paper in his office; he studies.7.The Boss never takes liberties with his secretary; he educates
her.
8.The Boss is always chief, even in his bathing togs.9.Whomsoever may enter the boss's office with an idea of
his own must leave the office
with the boss's ideas.
10.If, in your lamentable ignorance, you fail to grasp the
truth, fear not; return to rule
1.
--
Have a magic day and pass it on. Magic Mike http://funandmagic.com// Get the cleanest, cheapest water
for 6 cents a gallon.
http://ld.net/?phon4less Get 3 cents/minute calls. Also,
cheapest phone cards.
http://funandmagic.com/paid2surf.html Be PAID to surf. Make money
on others, too.
Subject:
Sonora Sunset
Date:
Wed, 19 Jul 2000 09:03:30 -0700
From:
"Magic Mike B" <mmb
Organization:
http://funandmagic.com/
To:
"you" <you
Hi,
Here is another great sunset for your desk,
in nice warm red tones, from Sonora
http://funandmagic.com/photolinks2.htm .
You pay high phone rates in state - or do you? http://ld.net/?phon4less
Get 2.9
cents/minute on your 1+ dialing, no contracts, no minimums,
no monthly fees.
A stunningly beautiful woman walked into a bar and sat
down. She was
followed a few minutes later by a man who took a seat at
the end of the
bar. He immediately noticed the beauty and, since this was
his local
hangout, figured the bartender would do him a favor.
"Jack, here's a
twenty-dollar bill," whispered the man, leaning over
the bar, "slip her
some Spanish fly."
"I don't have any Spanish fly," said the bartender,
"but a customer
gave me some Jewish fly."
"Jewish fly!" exclaimed the man, "what does THAT do?"
"I don't know," answered the bartender. "Why
don't we try it and
find out?"
The next time the woman needed a refill, the bartender
put the
Jewish fly powder in her drink. She finished the drink, and
a few
minutes later got up and sidled over to the man. She put
her arm
around his shoulder, put her other hand on his knee, and
began
to rub the inside of his leg.
"You attract me," she purred. "I'd like
to do something with you
tonight."
"Honey, I'll do anything you want," gasped the man.
"Great! Take me shopping at Bloomingdale's!"
=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-===-=--==-
A fellow asked me today,"How's your Golf game?",
To which I responded," It's
just like masturbation--I enjoy it --but it's darn disgusting
to watch"
-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=
-=
Pickup Lines
1.I want to melt in your mouth, not in your hand.2.Can I borrow a quarter?
["What for?"] I want to call my mom and tell I
just met the girl of my dreams.
OR:
I want to call your mother and thank her.
3.Is your daddy a thief?
["No."] Then how did he steal the sparkle of the
stars and put it in your eyes?
[Be ready with a snappy answer in case they say "yes."]4.You're so hot you melt the plastic in my underwear.5.Would you be my love buffet? So I can lay you out
on the table and take what I want?
6.Let's go to my place and do the things I'll tell everyone
we did anyway.
7.The word of the day is "legs." Let's go back
to my place and spread the word.
8.Do your legs hurt from running through my dreams all night?9.That outfit would look great in a crumpled heap on my bedroom
floor tomorrow morning.
10.My name's [your name]. That's so you know what to
scream.
11.My name's [your name], but you can call me "lover."12.Nice shoes. Wanna fuck?
13.Can I flirt with you?
14.Your daddy must have been a baker, 'cause you've got a
nice set of buns.
15.[Look at his/her shirt label. When they say, "What
are you doing?":] Checking to see
if you were made in heaven.
OR:
Checking to see if you're the right size.
16.All those curves, and me with no brakes.
17.If I told you you had a beautiful body, would you hold
it against me?
-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=
-=-=--=
And women of course are the absolute masters of fashionput-downs. At a cocktail party one woman said to another,"What a beautiful suit that is. I like it better every
time I see
it on you."
The other, fingering the material of her rival's sleeve
said
"And such lovely cloth, you really should have it made
into
something."
-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=
-=-=-=-
Signs you may Have bought a bad car
1. As you leave the used car lot, you see the owner
rush out with a
gigantic smile and high-five the salesman.
2. You notice that the car phone they threw in "for
free" has a
direct line to Moes's Towing Company.
3. The booster cables are not in the trunk but are
permanently
soldered to the battery.
4. The hood has been equipped with a push-button
device for quick and
easy opening.
5. The "Purchased From" sticker at the
bottom of the rear license
plate has been removed.
6. You get a "Good Luck" card from the previous owner.
7. As you drive up to a service station for gas,
the mechanic opens
the big door and waves you in.
8. When you leave for work the next morning, you
notice a tow truck
parked about a block from your driveway. As you go
by, it silently
falls in behind you.
9. The little "Service Engine" warning
signal in the dashboard comes
on and reads "Me Again."
-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=
-=-=-=-=
You've Turned Into A Mom When:
-------------
~ You automatically double-knot everything you tie.
~ You find yourself humming the Barney song as you do the dishes.
~ You hear a baby cry in the grocery store, and you start
to gently
sway back and forth, back and
forth. However, your children are at school!
~ You can never go to the bathroom alone without someonescreaming outside the door.
~ You actually start to like the smell of strained carrots
mixed with
applesauce.
~ You weep through the scene in Dumbo when his mom is
taken
away, not to mention what Bambi does
to you.
~ You get soooo into crafts you contemplate writing a
book called
101 Fun Crafts to do with Dryer Lint and Eggshells.
~ You spend a half hour searching for your sunglasses
only to have
your teenager say, "Mom, why don't you wear the ones
you pushed
up on your head?"
~ You are out for a nice romantic meal with your husband,
enjoying
some real adult conversation, when suddenly you realize that
you've
reached over and started to cut up his steak!
-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=
-=---=
34 THINGS I'VE LEARNED FROM MY CHILDREN:
---------
1... There is no such thing as child-proofing your house.
2... If you spray hair spray on dust bunnies and run over
them with
roller blades, they can ignite.
3... A 3 year-old's voice is louder than 200 adults in
a crowded
restaurant.
4... If you hook a dog leash over a ceiling fan, the motor
is not
strong enough to rotate a 42 pound boy wearing batman underwearand a superman cape.
5... It is strong enough however to spread paint on all
four walls of a
20 by 20 foot room.
6... Baseballs make marks on ceilings.
7... You should not throw baseballs up when the ceiling
fan is on.
8... When using the ceiling fan as a bat you have to throw
the ball up
a few times before you get a hit.
9... A ceiling fan can hit a baseball a long way.
10... The glass in windows (even double pane) doesn't
stop a
baseball hit by a ceiling fan.
11... When you hear the toilet flush and the words Uh-oh,
it's already
too late.
12... Brake fluid mixed with Clorox makes smoke, and lots
of it.
13... A six year old can start a fire with a flint rock
even though a 36
year old man says they can only do it in the movies.
14... A magnifying glass can start a fire even on an overcast
day.
15... If you use a waterbed as home plate while wearing
baseball shoe it
does not leak- it explodes.
16... A king size waterbed holds enough water to fill
a 2000 sq foot house
4 inches deep.
17... Legos will pass through the digestive tract of a
four year old.
18... Duplos will not.
19... Play Dough and Microwave should never be used in
the same sentence.
20... Super glue is forever.
21... No matter how much Jell-O you put in a swimming
pool you still can't
walk on water.
22... Pool filters do not like Jell-O.
23... VCR's do not eject PB&J sandwiches even though
TV commercials show
they do.
24... Garbage bags do not make good parachutes.
25... Marbles in gas tanks make lots of noise when driving.
26... You probably do not want to know what that odor
is.
27... Always look in the oven before you turn it on.
28... Plastic toys do not like ovens.
29... The fire department in Austin has at least a 5 minute
response time.
30... The spin cycle on the washing machine does not make
earth worms
dizzy.
31... It will however make cats dizzy.
32... Cats throw up twice their body weight when dizzy.
33... Quiet does not necessarily mean don't worry.
34... A good sense of humor will get you through most
problems in life
(unfortunately, mostly in retrospect).
-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=
-=-=-=-=-=-=--=
Mothers Milk
------------
A woman and a baby came into the doctor's office.
She was told to go into a room and wait for the doctor.
He examines the
baby and asks the woman,
"Is he breast fed or on the bottle?"
"Breast fed." she says.
Well, strip down to your waist." he orders.She does.
He presses both breasts, pinches them both, and then says,
"No wonder this
baby is hungry, you don't have any milk."
"Naturally," she says, "I'm his aunt............. But I'm glad I came."
-=-=-
-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=
-=-=-=-=--=-=
A drunk came from a bar at two o'clock in the morning
and promptly walked
into the nearest light post. Unable to see well, he felt
the post carefully
with his hands and proceeded to walk all around it three
or four times,
examining all sides of the post with his hands.
Finally, he slumped down on the curb and buried his head
in his hands.
"It's no use," he sobbed. "I'm walled
in."
-=-=-
-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=
-
10 most stupid questions people usually ask in obvious
situations and some
equally stupid answers:-
1. At the movies:
When you meet acquaintances/friends
Stupid Question:- Hey, what are you doing here?
Answer:-Well, it's so hot, there were no cool cabs so I thought
I'd watch
some advertisements in the cool comfort of the theatre.
2. In the bus:
A fat girl wearing pointed high-heeled shoes steps on your
feet
Stupid Question:- Sorry, did that hurt?
Answer:-No, not at all, I'm on local anesthesia.....why don't you try again or should I try this time.
3. At a funeral:
One of the teary-eyed people asks
Stupid Question:-Why, Why, why him, of all the people.Answer:- Why? Would it rather have been you?
4. At a restaurant:
When you ask the waiter
Stupid Question:- Is the "blah blah blah" dish
good
Answer:- No, its teribble and made of adulterated cement.We
occasionally
also spit in it.
5. At a family get-together.When some distant aunt meets
you after years
Stupid Question:- Munna, Chickoo, you've become so big.Answer:- Well you haven't particularly shrunk yourself.
6. When a friend announces her wedding, and you askStupid Question:- Is the guy you're marrying good?Answer:-No, he's a miserable wife-beating, insensitive lout...it's just the money.
7. When you get woken up at midnight by a phone callStupid Question:- Sorry. were you sleeping?
Answer:- No. I was playing cricket for India at Sharjah and
just when you
called Salim Malik was betting with me that Pakistan would
win. What do you
think?
8. When you see a friend/colleague with evidently shorter
hair
Stupid Question:- Hey have you had a haircut?
Answer:- No, its Autumn, and I'm shedding......
9. At the dentist when he's sticking pointed objects in
your mouth
Stupid Question:-Tell me if it hurts?
Answer:- And while I'm telling you, you tell me if I bite.
10. You are smoking a cigarette and a cute woman asksStupid Question:- Oh, so you smoke
Answer:- No, it's a miracle .... it was a chalk and now it's
in flames!!!
-
-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=
-=-=----
Kids' Views on Science
- Vacuums are nothings. We only mention them to let them
know we know they're there.
- Some people can tell what time it is by looking at the
sun. But I have never been able
to make out
the numbers.
- We say the cause of perfume disappearing is evaporation.
Evaporation gets blamed for a
lot of things
people forget to put the top on.
- I am not sure how clouds get formed. But the clouds know
how to do it, and that is the
important
thing.
- Rain is saved up in cloud banks.
- Cyanide is so poisonous that one drop of it on a dog's
tongue will kill the strongest
man.
- Thunder is a rich source of loudness.
- Isotherms and isobars are even more important than their
names sound.
- It is so hot in some parts of the world that the people
there have to live other places.
-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=
-=
How come wrong numbers are never busy?
Do people in Australia call the rest of the world "upover"?Does that screwdriver belong to Philip?
Does killing time damage eternity?
Why doesn't Tarzan have a beard?
Why is it called lipstick if you can still move your lips?Why is it that night falls but day breaks?
Why is the third hand on the watch called a second hand?Why is it that when you're driving and looking for an address, you turn down
the volume on the radio?
Why is lemon juice made with artificial flavor, and dishwashing liquid made
with real lemons?
Are part-time bandleaders semi-conductors?
Can you buy an entire chess set in a pawn shop?
Daylight savings time - why are they saving it
and where do they keep it?Did Noah keep his bees in archives?
Do jellyfish get gas from eating jellybeans?
Do pilots take crash-courses?
Do stars clean themselves with meteor showers?
Do you think that when they asked George Washington for an ID that he just
whipped out a quarter?
Have you ever imagined a world with no hypothetical situations?Have you ever seen a toad on a toadstool?
How can there be self-help "groups"?
-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=
-
A stockbroker catches his wife in bed with another man.
He says to her, "What's going on?"
She say's, "Believe it or not, John, I've gone public!"
-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=
What's the difference between a gay rodeo and a straight rodeo?
At a straight rodeo they yell, "Ride that sucker".
From the ladies point of view: How is being at a singles
bar different than
being at the circus?
At the circus the clowns don't talk to you
What do you get when you mix Holy Water and Prune Juice?
A Religious Movement
--
Have a magic day and pass it on. Magic Mike http://funandmagic.com// Get the cleanest, cheapest water
for 6 cents a gallon.
http://ld.net/?phon4less Get 3 cents/minute calls. Also,
cheapest phone cards.
http://funandmagic.com/paid2surf.html Be PAID to surf. Make money
on others, too.
Subject:
Saguaro Sunset
Date:
Tue, 18 Jul 2000 08:43:13 -0700
From:
"Magic Mike B" <mmb
Organization:
http://funandmagic.com/
To:
"you" <you
Vegetarians only eat things that can't run away.
Hi,
This desktop photo was taken at the magic hour
at Saguaro National Park
http://funandmagic.com/photolinks2.htm .
Sell three water filters and yours is free. If you don't have a filter you are the filter.
/
Conway's law:
In any organization, there will always be one person who
knows what
is going on. This person should be fired.
--
-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=
-=-=-=-=
A lady returned a home pregnancy test because it "didn't
give her
the results she wanted."
-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=
-=-=-=-=-=-
A gentleman who teaches with my sister was starting his
first
session of vocational math for a class of first-year college
students. After
lecturing for an hour and showing examples on the board,
he invited
questions. A young man raised his hand and said, "Sir,
I understood
everything you did, but what is that little dot you keep
using?"
It was the decimal, of course!
-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=
-=-=-=-
I was conducting a discussion in freshmen biology about
human
reproductive anatomy. While I was on the subject of the male
genitalia, a girl
raised her hand and asked "What makes that thing hard
anyway?"
Before I could answer, the girl to her left elbowed her
and said,
"You rub on it, Stupid."
-
-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=
-=-=-=-=---
Teacher: Hello, Boys. Remember! Nothing is impossible.
Johnny: OK. Sir. Will you please squeeze out all the toothpaste
and
put
back it into the tube again?
-
-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=
-=-==
Dear God,
Maybe Cain and Abel would not kill each other so much if
they had
their own rooms. It works with my brother.
=--=--=-=-=-=-=-=-=---=-=-=
The citrus soda 7-UP was created in 1929; "7"
was selected because
the original containers were 7 ounces. "UP" indicated
the direction
of the bubbles.
Mosquito repellents don't repel. They hide you. The spray
blocks
the mosquito's sensors so they don't know you're there.
Dentists have recommended that a toothbrush be kept at
least 6 feet
away from a toilet to avoid airborne particles resulting
from the
flush.
The liquid inside young coconuts can be used as substitute
for
blood plasma.
American car horns beep in the tone of F.
No piece of paper can be folded more than 7 times.
Donkeys kill more people annually than plane crashes.
1 in every 4 Americans has appeared on television.
You burn more calories sleeping than you do watching television.
Oak trees do not produce acorns until they are fifty years
of age
or older.
The first product to have a bar code was Wrigley's gum.
The king of hearts is the only king without a mustache.
A Boeing 747's wingspan is longer than the Wright brothers'
first
flight.
American Airlines saved $40,000 in 1987 by eliminating
1 olive from
each salad served in first-class.
Venus is the only planet that rotates clockwise.
The first CD pressed in the US was Bruce Springsteen's
"Born in the
USA."
Apples, not caffeine, are more efficient at waking you
up in the
morning.
The 57 on the Heinz ketchup bottle represents the number
of
varieties of pickles the company once had.
The plastic things on the end of shoelaces are called aglets.
Most dust particles in your house are made from dead skin.
The first owner of the Marlboro company died of lung cancer.
Barbie's full name is Barbara Millicent Roberts.
Betsy Ross is the only real person to ever have been the
head on a
Pez dispenser.
Michael Jordan makes more money from Nike annually than
all of the
Nike factory workers in Malaysia combined.
Adolf Hitler's mother seriously considered having an abortion
but
was talked out of it by her doctor.
Marilyn Monroe had six toes.
All US Presidents have worn glasses. Some just didn't
like being
seen wearing them in public.
Walt Disney, the creator of Mickey Mouse, was afraid of mice.
The sound of E.T. walking was made by someone squishing
her hands
in jelly.
-
-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=
-=-=-=
In the beginning
In the beginning God created the heaven and the Earth.
And the
Earth was without form, and void, and darkness was upon the
face of the deep.
And the Devil said, "It doesn't get any better than
this."
And God said, "Let there be light" and there
was light. And God
said, "Let the earth bring forth grass, the herb yielding
seed, and the
fruit tree yielding fruit," and God saw that it was
good.
And the Devil said, "There goes the neighborhood."
And God said, "Let us make Man in our image, after
our likeness,
and let them have dominion over the fish of the sea, and
over the fowl of
the air and over the cattle, and over all the Earth, and
over every
creeping thing that creepeth upon the Earth." And so
God created Man in his own
image; male and female did He create.
And God looked upon Man and Woman and saw that they were
lean and
fit.
And the Devil said, "I know how I can get back in this game."
And God populated the earth with broccoli and cauliflower
and
spinach, green and yellow vegetables of all kinds, so Man
and Woman would
live long and healthy lives.
And the Devil created McDonald's. And McDonald's
brought forth the
79-cent double cheeseburger. And the Devil said to
Man: "You want
fries with that?" And Man said: "Supersize
them." And Man gained 5
pounds.
And God created the healthful yogurt, that woman might
keep her
figure that man found so fair. And the Devil brought
forth chocolate.
And Woman gained 5 pounds.
And God said, "Try my crispy fresh salad."
And the Devil brought forth Ben and Jerry's. And
Woman gained 10
pounds.
And God said, "I have sent thee heart-healthy vegetables
and olive
oil with which to cook them."
And the Devil brought forth chicken-fried steak so big
it needed
its own platter. And Man gained 10 pounds and his bad
cholesterol went
through the roof.
And God brought forth running shoes and Man resolved to
lose those
extra pounds.
And the Devil brought forth cable TV with remote control
so Man
would not have to toil to change channels between ESPN and
ESPN2. And Man
gained another 20 pounds.
And God said, "You're running up the score, Devil."
And God brought forth the potato, a vegetable naturally
low in fat
and brimming with nutrition.
And the Devil peeled off the healthful skin and sliced
the starchy
center into chips and deep-fat fried them. And the
Devil created sour
cream dip.
And Man clutched his remote control and ate the potato
chips
swaddled in cholesterol. And the Devil saw and said,
"It is good." And Man
went into cardiac arrest.
And God sighed and created quadruple bypass surgery.
And the Devil canceled Man's health insurance.
Then God showed Woman how to peel the skin off chicken
and cook the
nourishing whole grain brown rice.
And the Devil created light beer so Man could poison his
body with
alcohol while feeling righteous because he had to drink twice
as much of
the now-insipid brew to get the same buzz. And Man
gained another ten
pounds.
And God created the life-giving tofu.
And Woman ventured forth into the land of Godiva Chocolate
and upon
returning asked Man: "Do I look fat?"
And the Devil said, "Always tell the truth." And Man did.
And Woman went out from the presence of man and dwelt
in the land
of the divorce lawyer, east of the marriage counselor.
--
Have a magic day and pass it on. Magic Mike http://funandmagic.com// Get the cleanest, cheapest water
for 6 cents a gallon.
http://ld.net/?phon4less Get 3 cents/minute calls. Also,
cheapest phone cards.
http://funandmagic.com/paid2surf.html Be PAID to surf. Make money
on others, too.
Subject:
Purple Lupine Flowers along the Ridge
Date:
Wed, 12 Jul 2000 08:14:08 -0700
From:
"Magic Mike B" <mmb
Organization:
http://funandmagic.com/
To:
"you" <you
Hi,
In the Beaverhead Mountains of the Bitterroot Range, it is
possible to walk the actual
Continental Divide above Jahnke Lake, but steep cliffs prevent
a safe descent to Montana's
Big Hole Valley. The hiking trail swings below this
alpine terrain, where coulters lupine
and other wildflowers form a foreground for snowcapped peaks.http://funandmagic.com/photolinks2.htm .
If you don't have a water filter, you are the
water filter. /
Magic Mike
Nudist ball
A man was telling a friend about a nudist party he'd been invited to.
"I rang the bell, and the nudist butler opened the door." he started.
His friend interrupted, "How did you know he was a butler?"
"Well," he answered smoothly, "I could
tell right away that it wasn't the
maid"
-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=
-=-=-=-=-=-=
Computer Humor ......
Why do Computer Science majors smell so bad.
So that blind students can hate them too.
How do you tell an extrovert computer scientist?He looks at *your* shoes when he talks to you.
Why do programmers always get Christmas and Halloween
mixed up?
Because DEC 25 = OCT 31 Did you hear about the Microsoft
crystal ball?
Ask it something and it replies: "Answer unclear.
Add 20 Meg of RAM and ask again later."
How many MS engineers does it take to screw in a light
bulb?
None, they just define darkness as an industry standard!
-=-=-=-=--=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-==--=-=-=--
I'm still not sure if I understand ambiguity.
Cooperation can only be reached if we work together.
He doesn't have much of a reputation or so I've heard.
-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=
-=-=-=-=-=
Q: What's the difference between a church and a movie theater?
A: In a church they say: "Pray in the name of Jesus!" In a movie theater they say: "Shut up, for Christ's sake!!!"
-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=
-=-=-=-=-=-=-=
I work at a pizzeria and ice cream store. The people that
come in there
really shock me!! Here are a few examples:
- A lady called and asked if our delivery guy was
in. We told her that he
was on a delivery and he'd be back soon. She didn't want
to order until he
was back because she didn't want her food to get cold. So
she called back,
and mentioned that again, and ordered a sub, a bag of chips,
a cold drink,
and some ice cream. Duh!!
- Just the other day, someone was reading a sign I'd
printed up with all
the Italian Water Ice Flavors on it (across the top, the
sign actually
says, "Italian Water Ice"...). After staring at
the sign for a good minute,
the person says, "Are these your Italian Water Ice Flavors?"
- A woman called and ordered a pizza to be delivered.
She had a coupon,
and with it she could get any free topping. She asked for
cheese. When I
repeated her order back to her, I called that "extra
cheese". She says,
"Now, when you say extra cheese, do you mean that there's
cheese already on
it???"
People constantly call and place an order and say,"Would it be quicker if i pick it up?" YES, you numbnuts!
I work in the One Hour Photo, this one came in the other day..... How big is a 5 x 7?
I worked at a fast food restaurant in the drive-thru.
Customers would come
to the speaker, give their order then ask for it to to go.....
I go fishing quite a lot, to a wharf that has a sunken
boat in it. All
that is showing above water is the funnel. Also quite near
is one of the
Holiday Inn hotels. As I'm sitting there fishing, surrounded
by
innumerable pieces if angling equipment, there's always one
of the hotel
guests that ask the same questions, "Are there any fish
in there?" I mean,
would I be sitting there for hours on end if there weren't?
And the best
one.... "What happened to that boat?" to which
I always reply, "It sank!"
-
-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=
-=-=-=-
Paul was ambling through a crowded street fair when hedecided to stop and sit at a Palm Reader's table. Said
the
mysterious old woman, "For fifteen dollars, I can read
your
love line and tell your romantic future."
Paul readily agreed and the reader took one look at his
open
palm and said, "I can see that you have no girlfriend."
"That's true," said Paul.
"Oh my goodness, you are extremely lonely, aren't you?"
"Yes," Paul shamefully admitted. "That's
amazing. Can you
tell all of this from my love line?"
"Love line? No, from the calluses."
=-
-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=
-=-=
A married couple trying to live up to a snobbish lifestylewent to a party. The conversation turned to Mozart."Absolutely brilliant, magnificent, a genius!"
The woman, wanting to join in the conversation, remarkedcasually, "Ah, Mozart. You're so right. I love him.
Only this
morning I saw him getting on the No. 5 bus going to ConeyIsland."
There was a sudden hush, and everyone looked at her. Herhusband was mortified. He pulled her away and whispered,"We're leaving right now. Get your coat and let's get
out of
here."
As they drove home, he kept muttering to himself. Finally
his
wife turned to him. "You're angry about something."
"Oh really? You noticed?" he sneered. "I've
never been so
embarrassed in my life! You saw Mozart take the No. 5 bus
to
Coney Island? You idiot! Don't you know the No. 5 bus doesn'tgo out to Coney Island?"
-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=
-=-=-=--=
The teacher says, "Okay, class, we're going to play
a game
today. I want everyone to give me a sentence with the word'perhaps' in it."
Claude says, "Perhaps if we are good, the teacher
won't give
us any homework."
The teacher says, "Very good, Claude."
Mary says, "The sky is very dark... perhaps it's going to rain."
The teacher says, "Very good, Mary."
She calls on Little Johnny in the back. "Johnny?"
Johnny says, "Yesterday, when I got home from school,
my
sister and her music teacher both had their pants down totheir ankles. Perhaps they were gonna shit on the piano."
--=-=-=-=-=-=--=-=-=-=-=-=-=-===-
Guess who
As an ultimate test of his will power, a man decided to
give up sex for
Lent. Although not thrilled with the idea, his wife agreed
to support him
in this effort. The first few weeks weren't too difficult.
Things got
tougher during the next couple of weeks, so the wife wore
her dowdiest
nightclothes and chewed on garlic before going to bed. The
last couple of
weeks were extremely tough on the husband, so the wife took
to locking the
bedroom door and forcing the husband to sleep on the couch.
Easter
morning finally came. A knock came on the wife's bedroom
door. "KNOCK!!!
KNOCK!!! KNOCK!!!"
Husband: "Guess who?"
Wife: "I know who it is!"
Husband: "Guess what I want?"
Wife: "What?"
Husband: "Guess what I'm knocking with?"
---=-=-=--=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=--=
Messages dogs leave for each other on fire hydrants: P-mail
-=-=-=-=-=--=-=-=-=-=-=-=--==
--
Have a magic day and pass it on. Magic Mike http://funandmagic.com// Get the cleanest, cheapest water
for 6 cents a gallon.
http://ld.net/?phon4less Get 3 cents/minute calls. Also,
cheapest phone cards.
http://funandmagic.com/paid2surf.html Be PAID to surf. Make money
on others, too.
Subject:
Blue and White Crab
Date:
Tue, 11 Jul 2000 07:11:29 -0700
From:
"Magic Mike B" <mmb
Organization:
http://funandmagic.com/
To:
"you" <you
Hi,
Here is a new combined photo of the Crab Nebula
in Blue and White light.
http://funandmagic.com/photolinks2.htm .
Get the best water filter at the cheapest price. Try 30
days with the Manufacturer's
Guarantee. Call Multi-Pure directly with my ID#228882 at
1-800-622-9206. Ask for product
and dealer info, and ask for a countertop model to try. If
you want a payment plan, ask
them for the form authorizing $100 down and the balance over
a year with no interest.
-Magic Mike
One day a drunk walked into a bar and ordered a gin andtonic. He drank half of it and poured the rest on the bartender.The bartender got angry, grabbed the drunk by the collar,pulled him close to his face, and asked, "Why did you
do
that?"
The drunk said very apologetically, "I am so very
sorry sir.
Please forgive me. I can't help it. It's an illness
I can't get rid
of. I am so ashamed of it. How can I make it
up to you?"
The bartender answered, "Haven't you seen anyone
about this
problem?"
The drunk replied, "I never thought of that. Maybe I will."
The bartender said, "Don't come back until you do
get help,"
and the drunk left.
About three months later the drunk came back to the samebar, ordered another gin and tonic, drank half of it, and
poured
the rest of it on the bartender.
The bartender shouted, "I thought I told you not
to come back
until you got help!"
The drunk replied, "I did. Now I don't feel ashamed."
=
-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=
--=-=-=-=-=-
Midlife is when you go to the doctor and you realize you
are now so old, you
have to pay someone to look at you naked.
........
The good news about midlife is that the glass is still half-full...of
course,
the bad news is that it won't be long before your teeth are
floating in it.
........
Midlife women no longer have upper arms, we have wingspans...we
are no longer
women in sleeveless shirts, we are flying squirrels in drag..........
Midlife has hit you when you stand naked in front of a mirror
and can see
your rear end without turning around.
..........
You know you are getting old when you go for a mammogram
and you realize it
is the only time someone will ask you to appear topless in
film.
...........
You know you've crossed the midlife threshold when you're
in the grocery
store and you hear a Muzak version of "Stairway to Heaven"in the produce department.
............
Midlife is when you bounce (a lot), but you don't bounce
back. (It's more
like Splat!)
............
Midlife brings the wisdom that life throws you curves...and
that you're now
sitting on your biggest ones.
...........
It's very hard to "get jiggy with it" in midlife...jiggly,
yes; jiggy, no.
..........
Midlife is when your 1970s Body-by-Jake now includes Legs-by-Rand
McNally.
(more red and blue lines than an accurately scaled map of
the state of
Wisconsin).
.............
Midlife is when you want to grab every firm young lovely
in a tube top and
scream, "Listen, honey, even the Roman Empire fell,
and those things will too!
.............
Midlife can bring out your angry, bitter side. You
look at your
latte-swilling, beeper-wearing know-it-all teenager and think,
"For this I
have stretch marks?
...............
Midlife is when you start to repeat yourself...and your chins
follow suit.
.............
Midlife is when you realize that if you were a dog, you'd
need a control top
flea collar.
.............
Midlife is when your memory really starts to go. The
only thing you still
retain is water.
.............
You become more reflective in midlife. You start pondering
the "big"
questions-- what is life, why am I here...how much Healthy
Choice ice cream
can I eat before it's no longer a healthy choice?
-=-
-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=
-=-=-=-=
John: "Why are you so upset?"
Ted: "My wife introduced me to her psychiatrist
this
morning."
John: "So what?"
Ted: "So she said to him, 'Doctor, this
is my husband. You
know, one of the men I've been telling you about'."
-=-=-=-=-=-=-=--=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-
Computer Humor ......
There was a doctor, a civil engineer, and a computer scientist
sitting around late one
evening, and they got to discussing which was the oldest
profession. The doctor pointed
out that according to Biblical tradition, God created Eve
from Adam's rib. This obviously
required surgery, so therefore that was the oldest profession
in the world. The engineer
countered with an earlier passage in the Bible that stated
that God created order from the
chaos, and that was most certainly the biggest and best civil
engineering example ever,
and also proved that his profession was the oldest profession.
The computer scientist
leaned back in her chair, and with a sly smile responded,
"Yes, but who do you think
created the chaos?"
Have you heard about the new Cray? It's so fast,
it executes an infinite loop in 6
seconds.
Have you heard about the new Cray? It's so fast,
it requires TWO halt instructions to
stop it!
Imagine that Cray computer decides to make a personal
computer. It has a 150 MHz
processor, 200 megabytes of RAM, 1500 megabytes of disk storage,
a screen resolution of
1024x1024 pixels, relies entirely on voice recognition for
input, fits in your shirt
pocket, and costs $300.
What's the first question that the computer community asks?"Is it PC compatible?"
Isn't it odd that all the members of the Association for
Computing Machinery are human?
(I've been thinking of signing my home computer up.)
What do you call a computer scientist?
It doesn't matter what you call him. He's too involved
with the computer to come anyway.
-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=
-=-=-=-=-=-=-=
-=-=-=-
The artist tried to concentrate on his work, but the attractionhe felt for his model finally became irresistible. He threwdown his palette, took her in his arms and kissed her.
She pushed him away. "Maybe your other models let
you
kiss them," she said.
"I've never tried to kiss a model before," he swore.
"Really?" she said, softening, "How many
models have there
been?"
"Four," he replied, "A jug, two apples, and a vase."
-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=
-=-=-=-=-=-=-=
----=
These instructions have proven useful for persons from
the Northern region of
the United States who are visiting or relocating to the Southern
regions of
the country.
1) Save all manner of bacon grease. You will be instructed
later how to use
it.
2) If you forget a Southerner's name, refer to him (or
her) as "Bubba." You
have a 75% chance of being right.
3) Just because you can drive on snow and ice does not
mean we can. Stay home
the two days of the year it snows.
4) If you do run your car into a ditch, don't panic. Four
men in the cab of a
four wheel drive with a 12-pack of beer and a tow chain will
be along
shortly. Don't try to help them. Just stay out of their way.
This is what
they live for.
5) Don't be surprised to find movie rentals and bait in the same store.
6) Do not buy food at the movie store.
7) If it can't be fried in bacon grease, it ain't worth
cooking, let alone
eating.
8) Remember: "Y'all" is singular. "All
y'all" is plural. "All y'all's" is
plural possessive.
9) There is nothing sillier than a Northerner imitating
a southern accent,
unless it is a
southerner imitating a Boston accent.
10) Get used to hearing, "You ain't from around here, are you?"
11) People walk slower here.
12) Don't be worried that you don't understand anyone.
They don't understand
you either.
13) The first Southern expression to creep into a transplanted
Northerner's
vocabulary is the adjective "Big ol'", as in "big
ol' truck" or "big ol'
boy." Eighty-five percent begin their new southern influenced
dialect with
this expression. One hundred percent are in denial about
it.
14) The proper pronunciation you learned in school is no longer proper.
15) Be advised: The "He needed killin'" defense is valid here.
16) If attending a funeral in the South, remember, we
stay until the last
shovel of dirt
is thrown on and the tent is torn down.
17) If you hear a Southerner exclaim, "Hey, y'all,
watch this!" stay out of
his way. These are likely the last words he will ever say.
18) Most Southerners do not use turn signals, and they
ignore those who do.
In fact, if you see a signal blinking on a car with a southern
license plate,
you may rest assured that it was on when the car was purchased.
19) Northerners can be identified by the spit on the inside
of their car's
windshield that comes from yelling at other drivers.
20) The winter wardrobe you always brought out in September
can wait until
November.
21) If there is the prediction of the slightest chance
of even the most
minuscule accumulation of snow, your presence is required
at the local
grocery store. It does not matter if you need anything from
the store, it is
just something you're supposed to do.
22) Satellite dishes are very popular in the South. When
you purchase one it
is to be
positioned directly in front of your trailer. This is logical
bearing in mind
that the dish
cost considerably more than the trailer and should, therefore,
be displayed.
23) Tornadoes and Southerners going through a divorce
have a lot in common.
In either case, you know someone is going to lose a trailer.
24) Florida is not considered a southern state. There
are far more Yankees
than Southerners living there.
25) In southern churches you will hear the hymn, "All
Glory, Laud and Honor".
You will also here expressions such as, "Laud, have
mercy," "Good Laud," and
"Laudy, Laudy, Laudy."
26) As you are cursing the person driving 15 mph in a
55 mph zone, directly
in the middle of the road, remember, many folks learned to
drive on a model
of vehicle known as John Deere, and this is the proper speed
and lane
position for the
vehicle.
27) You can ask a Southerner for directions, but unless
you already know the
positions of key hills, trees and rocks, you're better off
trying to find it
yourself.
--
Have a magic day and pass it on. Magic Mike http://funandmagic.com// Get the cleanest, cheapest water
for 6 cents a gallon.
http://ld.net/?phon4less Get 3 cents/minute calls. Also,
cheapest phone cards.
http://funandmagic.com/paid2surf.html Be PAID to surf. Make money
on others, too.
Subject:
bed of purple flowers
Date:
Mon, 10 Jul 2000 08:47:23 -0700
From:
Magic Mike B <mmb
Organization:
http://funandmagic.com/
To:
you <you
Hi,
A close-up of Lupine purple flowers makes a
nice wallpaper.
http://funandmagic.com/photolinks2.htm .
Well, this has been a weird couple of weeks.
I lost my job at the newspaper, got the
flu, and last night had my third car accident in two weeks.
Someone cut off the car in
front of the car in front of mine and I couldn't stop in
time. The radiator, fan, and hood
I just replaced for $800 now smashed. Along with 2 strange
pains in my back and stomach.
I'm seeing a doctor Wednesday (unless some other catastrophe
happens). So, being next to
broke I urge you to all take advantage of my offer for a
30 day free trial of the
Multi-Pure water filter (30 money back manufacturer's guarantee).
I am sure you will like
it, and my distributor commission will help me through this
if you all order one one.
/ . Remember, I can get you a $50
discount if you will be a
distributor. Sell only 3, then yours is free.
Have a more magical day.
Magic Mike
Kids (and parents) are funny.
Sometimes the kids are funnier than they are smart!
When I was teaching
middle school, we had only class sets of textbooks that we
passed out for
every class. During the passing out of texts, one kid
began to talk
quietly to himself.
"This book got the answers. This book got the
answers." I finally heard
him, thanked him, and took the book. He should have
kept his mouth shut!
Parents can also be funny, although I'm sure they don't
mean to be. One
poor boy actually carried around to be read and signed his
excuse for
absence on the previous day. It read, "Please
excuse my son. His bowls
was running."
-=-=-
-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=---=-=
==
My son said one of the funniest things when we went
to visit my school
before I went back to teaching after my daughter was born.
I took my son,
his friend Reed, and my daughter to my room. We took a break
and I gave
Cara a bottle.
Reed looked horrified and asked my son why his Mom wasn't
nursing the
baby. My son calmly replied, "She's not a nurse, Silly;
can't you see
she's a teacher?"
-=-
-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=
-=-=-=
Jill calls her friend Linda, Linda picks up the phone.
Jill says "Do ya wanna go to the mall with me?"
Linda asks "why?"
Jill replies, "I need to buy cosmetics"
Linda asks "why"
Jill replies "Well, my English teacher says, 'I have
a make-up exam on
monday "
-=-=-
-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=---=-=
-=-=--=-==
Damn!
A first-grade teacher had a small number of children gathered
around a
table for a reading group. After the story was read, she
gave the children
a work sheet to do.
While they were working she heard a little girl say very softly, "Damn!"
The teacher leaned over and said quietly, "We don't say that in school."
The little girl looked at the teacher, her eyes got very
big, and she
said, "Not even when things are all f##ked up?"
-=--=-=-=-==
-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=
If a jogger runs at the speed of sound, can he still hear
his walkman?
-=-=-=-=-=-=-=--=-=-=-=-=-=-=--=-=-=-=-=-=-=--=-=-=-=-=-=-=--=-=-=-=-=
If You Don't Believe In Oral Sex, Keep Your Mouth Shut.-=-=-=-=-=-=-=--=-=-=-=-=-=-=--=-=-=-=-=-=-=--=-=-=-=-=-=-=--=-=-=-=-=
These three Texans go down to Mexico one night, get drunk,
and wake up in
jail only to find out that they are to be executed in the
morning, though
none of them can remember what they did the night before.
The first one is strapped in the electric chair and is
asked if he has any
last words.
He says,
"I am from the Baylor school of divinity and I believe
in the almighty
power of God to intervene on behalf of the innocent."
They throw the switch and nothing happens, so they figure
God must not
want this guy to die and they let him go.
The second one is strapped in and gives his last words,
"I am from the University of Texas School of Law
and I believe in the
power of justice to intervene on the part of the innocent."
They throw the switch and again nothing happens.
They figure that the law
is on this guy's side, so they let him go too.
The last one is strapped in and says,
"Well, I'm a Texas Aggie Electrical Engineer, and
I'll tell you right now
you ain't gonna electrocute nobody if you don't connect them
two wires."
-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=
-=-=-=-=-=-
You Might be a Democrat if...
You know 2 or more people with "concrete proof"
that the Pentagon is covering up: Roswell,
the Kennedy assassination, the CIA's role in creating AIDS.You came of age in the '60s and don't remember.
You've ever owned a VW bug or ridden in a Microbus.You own something that says Dukakis for President, and still
display it.
You believe it because "Dan Rather wouldn't lie about
something this important".
You ever based an argument on the phrase, "But they
can afford a tax hike because..."
You ever told a child that Oscar the Grouch "is a victim
of Draconian budget cuts."
You've ever argued that with just 1 more year of welfare
that person will turn it around
and get off drugs.
You think Lennon was a brilliant social commentator.You keep count of how many people you know in each racial
or ethnic category.
You are outraged that Baseball Players make millions and
the poor clerk at the
unemployment office only makes 28 bucks an hour doing such
good work.
You believe that an elected official attending religious
services is a violation of the
separation of Church and state.
You believe that a few hundred loggers can find another career,
but the defenseless
spotted owl must live in its preferred tree.
You believe our government must do it because everyone in
Europe does.
You think that Al Gore macherena thing was a laugh riot.You feel that Green Peace is misunderstood.
You keep your PC dictionary with you at all times so as not
to offend.
You think communism will catch on once society has evolved.You've tried to argue in favor of anything based on "Well,
they're gonna do it anyway
so....".
You've ever stated "How does what he does in his personal
life have any bearing on doing
his job?"
You don't understand all the commotion about Whitewater,
Vince Foster, selling US foreign
policy for campaign contributions, it's just politics, right?--
Have a magic day and pass it on. Magic Mike http://funandmagic.com// Get the cleanest, cheapest water
for 6 cents a gallon.
http://ld.net/?phon4less Get 3 cents/minute calls. Also,
cheapest phone cards.
http://funandmagic.com/paid2surf.html Be PAID to surf. Make money
on others, too.
Subject:
A fiery sunset blazes over Montana's Centennial Valley.
Date:
Sun, 09 Jul 2000 08:42:13 -0700
From:
"Magic Mike B" <mmb
Organization:
http://funandmagic.com/
To:
"you" <you
Hi,
See a fiery sunset blazing over Montana's Centennial
Valley.
http://funandmagic.com/photolinks2.htm .
The Shatner link is gone. Snoozers were losers.
About that, I recommend you all update
to RealPlayer 8 and have Take 5 Hot Picks in your tray to
alert you of new content.
Have a magic day.
Magic Mike
You Might be a Democrat if...
You argued that a few more months of sanctions and Saddam
Hussein would fold like rookie
poker player.
You know more than 2 people who have a degree in "Womyn's
Studies"
You've ever said "But look at all the good Ted Kennedy
has done for the women of this
country!"
You blame things on "The Man."
You believe that Bart Simpson only needs a little more affection.You've ever stared at a wall and said "Now THAT is definitely
man's inhumanity to man!"
You argue that the only flaw with Marx is that Russia was
an agrarian society.
You've ever called the meter maid a Fascist.
You are giddy at the prospect of the return of bell bottoms.You argue that the Second Amendment only refers to Federally
organized militias.
You view Jane Fonda as a courageous heroine with strong convictions.You view Hootie and the Blowfish as the bedrock of culture
refinement for the
90's.
After looking at your pay stub you can still say "America
is undertaxed".
You've ever said "We really should call the ACLU about
this".
You've ever referred to "the glass ceiling".
-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=
-=-=-=--=
Times have changed. Years ago, when 100 white men chased one black man, we called it the Ku Klux Klan;
Today they call it the PGA TOUR.
-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=
-=-=-==-
David, the fisherman, had driven by the lake many times
and had seen
some other anglers about, so he decided to give his luck
a try.
On his first day of fishing he had no luck at all but
noticed that
another fisherman near him that was scooping in one after
another.
He had to know The Secret. "Excuse me sir, but would
you mind telling
me what sort of bait you are using?" he asked.
The other man looked around a bit embarrassed. "Well,
I am a surgeon,
and by accident I found that a human tonsil works very well."
David thanked the man, thought about what sort of bait
to try next
time, and left.
The next day, David returned to the lake, tried a different
bait and
still had no luck. Just as the day before, there was yet
a different
man reeling in fish after fish. "Excuse me," asked
David, "but could
you suggest a bait that I could try?"
"Well, I can, but I am not sure it will do you any
good. I am using a
bit of human appendix."
"Hmm," thought David. It seemed that the fish
in this lake would
require a little more effort than normal. He left, willing
to give
the lake one more try.
On the third day, David still had no luck. As was usual,
there was
yet another man near him bringing in fish left and right.
David
wanted to confirm what he already knew. "Excuse me sir,
but are you a
doctor?"
"No, I am a Rabbi." replied the man.
-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=
-=-=-=-=-=-==
olf Laws
LAW 1: No matter how bad your last shot was, the worst
is yet to come.
This law does not expire on the 18th hole, since it has the
supernatural
tendency to extend over the course of a tournament, a summer
and, eventually,
a lifetime.
LAW 2: Your best round of golf will be followed almost
immediately by your
worst round ever. The probability of the latter increases
with the number of
people you tell about the former.
LAW 3: Brand new golf balls are water-magnetic.
Though this cannot be proven
in the lab, it is a known fact that the more expensive the
golf ball, the
greater its attraction to water.
LAW 4: Golf balls never bounce off of trees back into
play. If one does, the
tree is breaking a law of the universe and should be cut
down.
LAW 5: No matter what causes a golfer to muff a shot,
all his playing
partners must solemnly chant "You looked up," or
invoke the wrath of the
universe.
LAW 6: The higher a golfer's handicap, the more qualified
he deems himself as
an instructor.
LAW 7: Every par-three hole in the world has a secret
desire to humiliate
golfers. The shorter the hole, the greater its desire.
LAW 8: Topping a 3-iron is the most painful torture known
to man.
LAW 9: Palm trees eat golf balls.
LAW 10: Sand is alive. If it isn't, how do you explain
the way it works
against you?
LAW 11: Golf carts always run out of juice at the farthest
point from the
clubhouse.
LAW 12: A golfer hitting into your group will always be
bigger than anyone in
your group. Likewise, a group you accidentally hit
into will consist of a
football player, a professional wrestler, a convicted murderer
and an IRS
agent -- or some similar combination.
LAW 13: All 3-woods are demon-possessed.
LAW 14: Golf balls from the same "sleeve" tend
to follow one another,
particularly out of bounds or into the water (See Law three).
LAW 15: A severe slice is a thing of awesome power and
beauty.
LAW 16: "Nice lag" can usually be translated
to "lousy putt."
Similarly, "tough break" can usually be translated
"way to miss an easy one,
sucker."
LAW 17: The person you would most hate to lose to will
always be the one who
beats you.
LAW 18: The last three holes of a round will automatically
adjust your score
to what it really should be.
LAW 19: Golf should be given up at least twice per month.
LAW 20: All vows taken on a golf course shall be valid only until the sunset
-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=
-=-=--=
Seven Ages of the Married Cold
1st year--The husband says, "Oh, sweetie pie, I'm
really
worried about those nasty sniffles you have! There's
no telling
what that could turn into with all the strep that's been
going
around. I'm going to take you right down to the
hospital and
have you admitted for a couple days of rest. I know
the food
is lousy there, so I'm going to bring you some takeout fromTosini's. I've already arranged it with the head nurse."
2nd year--"Listen, honey, I don't like the sound
of that cough.
I called the doc and he's going to stop by here and take
a look
at you. Why don't you just go on to bed and get the
rest you
need?"
3rd year--"Maybe you better go lie down, darling.
When you
feel lousy you need the rest. I'll bring you something--do
we
have any canned soup around here?"
4th year--"No sense wearing yourself out when you're
under
the weather. When you finish those dishes and the kids' bathsand get them to bed, you ought to go to bed yourself!"
5th year--"Why don't you take a couple aspirin?"
6th year--"You oughta go gargle or something, instead
of
sitting around barking like a dog!"
7th year--"For Pete's sake, stop sneezing.
Are you trying to
give me pneumonia? You'd better pick up some tissues
while
you're at the store."
-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=--=-=-=-=
A wealthy investor walked into a bank and said to the
bank
manager, "I would like to speak with Mr. Reginald Jones,
who
I understand is a tried and trusted employee of yours."
The banker said, "Yes he certainly was trusted. And
he will be
tried as soon as we catch him."
-=-=-==-=-=-=-=-=-=--=-=-=-=-=-=
A man goes to the doctor and tells him, "Doc, I'm
having a really hard
time controlling my bladder."
The doctor says, "Get off my new carpet! Now!"
-=--=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=--=-=-=-=-=-
Paranoids are people, too; they have their own problems.It's easy to criticize, but if everybody hated you, wouldn't
you be
paranoid?
Steven Wright
-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=
-=-=-=-=-=
Years ago I had just delivered twins. They were a boy
and a girl. The head
nurse brought them out for their father to see. He could
hardly believe
his good fortune. The girl baby had a pink blanket wrapped
around her and
the boy baby was enclosed in a blue blanket. He took one
step forward just
so he could touch the babies and believe they had finally
arrived. As he
started to touch them the nurse took a step backwards and
said, "You
can't touch those babies. You aren't sterile!!"
With out missing a beat my husband retorted " You're
telling me I'm not
sterile!!!".
=
-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=
-=-=
Pickup line:
How do you like your eggs in the morning?
Sunny side up, scrambled or fertilized?
-=-=-=--=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-
I work in the tourism industry in beautiful Victoria,
British Columbia so
we are inundated with tourists many months of the year, and
I think some of
them have never left home before! Here's just a few:
- a woman once insisted I tell her where she can buy tickets
for the
Rainforest. I tried telling her that you cannot buy
tickets for the
rainforest, it's just a forest, there are no tickets, but
she didn't
believe me.
- a man once got very angry because I couldn't tell him
where he could find
out the time, to the exact second. He was on holidays,
and needed to know
the time, to the exact second, right away!!!
- as with most hotels, the hotel I work in has a house
phone, for dialing
up to rooms from the lobby. One day it quit working,
so we called in a
repair company, only to find that someone had jammed quarters
in every
possible orifice, trying to make a long distance phone call
!!!
- The city of Victoria is on Vancouver Island, and a woman
once asked me if
cars were allowed on the island. It takes
8 hours to drive from one end
to the other, so yes, cars are allowed!!
- someone once asked me if there were grocery stores on
the island. I said
no, we get them flown in twice a month.
-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=
-=-=-=-==
01.) The citrus soda 7-UP was created in 1929; "7"
was selected because the original
containers were 7 ounces. "UP" indicated
the direction of the bubbles.
02.) Mosquito repellents don't repel. They hide
you. The spray blocks the mosquito's
sensors so they don't know you're there.
03.) Dentists have recommended that a toothbrush be kept
at least 6 feet away from a
toilet to avoid airborne particles resulting from the flush.
04.) The liquid inside young coconuts can be used as a
substitute for blood plasma.
05.) American car horns beep in the tone of F.
06.) No piece of paper can be folded more than 7 times.
07.) Donkeys kill more people annually than plane crashes.
08.) 1 in every 4 Americans has appeared on television.
09.) You burn more calories sleeping than you do watching television.
10.) Oak trees do not produce acorns until they are fifty
years of age or older.
11.) The first product to have a bar code was Wrigley's
gum.
12.) The king of hearts is the only king without a moustache.
13.) A Boeing 747s wingspan is longer than the Wright
brother's first flight.
14.) American Airlines saved $40,000 in 1987 by eliminating
1 olive from each salad served
in first-class.
15.) Venus is the only planet that rotates clockwise.
16.) The first CD pressed in the US was Bruce Springsteen's
"Born in the USA."
17.) Apples, not caffeine, are more efficient at waking
you up in the morning.
18.) The 57 on the Heinz ketchup bottle represents the
number of varieties of pickles the
company once had.
19.) The plastic things on the end of shoelaces are called
aglets.
20.) Most dust particles in your house are made from dead
skin.
21.) The first owner of the Marlboro company died of lung
cancer.
22.) Barbie's full name is Barbara Millicent Roberts.
23.) Betsy Ross is the only real person to ever have been
the head on a Pez dispenser.
24.) Michael Jordan makes more money from Nike annually
than all of the Nike factory
workers in Malaysia combined.
25.) Adolf Hitler's mother seriously considered having
an abortion but was talked out of
it by her doctor.
26.) Marilyn Monroe had six toes.
27.) All US Presidents have worn glasses. Some just
didn't like being seen wearing them
in public.
28.) Walt Disney was afraid of mice.
29.) The sound of E.T. walking was made by someone squishing her hands in jelly
-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=
-=-=--=--==
--
Have a magic day and pass it on. Magic Mike http://funandmagic.com// Get the cleanest, cheapest water
for 6 cents a gallon.
http://ld.net/?phon4less Get 3 cents/minute calls. Also,
cheapest phone cards.
http://funandmagic.com/paid2surf.html Be PAID to surf. Make money
on others, too.
Subject:
Crow Wake, Shantner sings Rocket Man
Date:
Sat, 08 Jul 2000 10:07:44 -0700
From:
"Magic Mike B" <mmb
Organization:
http://funandmagic.com/
To:
"you" <you
Hi,
Yesterday morning a crow electrocuted itself
on the power line outside my apartment.
When I went outside to see what happened, I saw that all
the crows in 4 square blocks were
flying in circles and screaming. Crows live in families and
mate for life.
You need to see THIS right away before it gets
too dated. William Shantner singing(?)
Elton John's "Rocket Man".
http://take5.real.com//issues/00/07/05/0/issue.ram?src=nav&page_uid=3572
A blonde was standing in front of a soda machine saying,
"You are
a dumb looking button. You don't have much of a future, either.People are going to be punching you all your life. Then you
are
going to be replaced by a much better looking button."
I foolishly asked what she was doing.
She pointed to the notice on the front of the machine,
which
said,
"'Depress button for ice'."
-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=
-=-=-=-=
"Well, cyberterrorists may be difficult to capture in the act, but from
what I know about people who are highly skilled with computers, they
should be easy to beat up."
-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=
-=-=-=-=-=-=-=
-=-=-=
EVIDENCE OF ICE ON MOON DISCOVERED
HOUSTON, TX (DPI) -- NASA scientists announced Thursday
that the U.S.
space probe Lunar Prospector has found evidence of ice at
the poles of
the moon. Dr. A.V. Geak, mission coordinator, said
the spacecraft had
detected "several large tumblers filled with ice cubes
in the shape of
the Starship Enterprise." The prevailing scientific
explanation for the
oddly-shaped ice is that it was most likely left on the moon
eons ago
during a scouting mission by beings from the planet Deanmartin,
located
in the distant galaxy Ratpackus. Dr. Geak also reported
that the
spacecraft had "failed to detect any Scotch at all,
even a cheap
7-year-old blend. There's no single-malt, either.
In fact, we found no
traces of any alcohol whatsoever, with the exception of some
Colt 45
Malt Liquor cans, which were most likely left behind by Neil
Armstrong
and Buzz Aldrin." The existence of ice and alcoholic
beverages on the
moon's surface could prove immensely useful for any future
colonies of
human beings, since scientists have thus far been unable
to verify the
existence of lunar liquor stores.
Reported by Tristan Fabriani
The Daily Probe, March 6, 1998
-
-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=
-=-=-=-=-=-=-=
-
I used to work at a fast food restaurant and we got asked
stupid questions
all the time. It was a Bar B -Q place and we sold ribs, ham,
chicken, pork
and beef. Here are just a few of them:
- What's the difference between Pork and Beef?- Do you take cash?
- How much are your free refills?
- I need a pony tail holder... would you happen to have
one while I am
waiting on my food?
- Yes, I'm lost. I'm looking for a restaurant. It's address
is 3700
....... . ( You are standing in it )
- Do you sale Bar B-Q?
- What does chicken taste like?
- Do you have hamburgers?
-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=
-=-=
When you dream in color it's a pigment of your imagination.-=-=-=-=-=-=-=--=-=-=-=-=-=-=--=-=-=-=-=-=-=--=-=-=-=-=-=-=--=-=-=-=-=
Answering machine message
[Scary music playing in background with sounds of kitten
crying}
The machine answering this message is connected to a 5000
volt
power supply, and a relay which is wired to this small kitten.
If
you hang up before you leave a message, it will complete
the
circuit and will fry the kitty. The choice is YOURS....BEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEP
-=-
-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=
-=-=--=
One night this guy and his girlfriend were about to go
into his
apartment and before he could open his door his girlfriendsaid, "Wait a minute, I can tell how a man makes love
by how
he unlocks his door."
The guy says, "Well, give me some examples."
The girlfriend proceeds to tell him, "Well the first
way is, if a
guy shoves his key in the lock, and opens the door hard,
then
that means he is a rough lover and that isn't for me.
"The second way is if a man fumbles around and can't
seem
to find the hole than that means he is inexperienced and
that
isn't for me either."
Then she said, "Honey, how do you unlock your door?"
He then proceeded to say, "Well, first before I do
anything
else, I lick the lock."
--
Have a magic day and pass it on. Magic Mike http://funandmagic.com// Get the cleanest, cheapest water
for 6 cents a gallon.
http://ld.net/?phon4less Get 3 cents/minute calls. Also,
cheapest phone cards.
http://funandmagic.com/paid2surf.html Be PAID to surf. Make money
on others, too.
Subject:
Lion's Head
Date:
Fri, 07 Jul 2000 08:17:49 -0700
From:
"Magic Mike B" <mmb
Organization:
http://funandmagic.com/
To:
"you" <you
Hi,
See Lion's head Peak. It may be July, but at
10,000 feet, snowfields still decorate the
high ridges near Targhee Peak in the Henrys Lake Mountains.http://funandmagic.com/photolinks2.htm .
Several weeks after a young man had been hired, he wascalled into the personnel director's office.
"What is the
meaning of this?" the director asked. "When
you applied
for this job, you told us you had five years experience.Now we discovered this is the first job you've ever held."
"Well," the young man replied, "in your
advertisement you
said you wanted somebody with imagination."
-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=--=-=-=-=-=-=
A woman's mind is cleaner than a man's.
She changes it more often.
-=-
-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=
-=-=-=
You Might be a Democrat if...
You vote Democrat because it's easier than getting a job!You think the rich can get richer off people who have no
money.
You've named your kids "Stardust" or "Moonbeam".You've tried to argue that all of societies problems are
based on the fact that
McDonald's, by law, only has to pay $5/hr.
If you utter the phrase "There ought to be a law"
at least once a week.
If you have ever used the phrase "protecting prisoner's
rights".
If you find yourself nodding vigorously and saying "someone
finally said it right" during
an episode of Oprah.
You call the execution of a homicidal maniac "murder"
but call murder "pro-choice".
You've ever referred to the Military/Industrial Complex during
a conversation.
You know you never laughed as a kid, the world was in just
too bad a shape.
All of your 1970's "Beware of Global Freezing"
signs now have "Beware of Global Warming"
on the back.
Your friends told you how much fun you had at the Grateful
Dead show, but your not sure
what year you saw them.
You file suit against the mall rent-a-cops for posting signs
stating that your bags are
subject to inspection.
You've ever argued that "you can't legislate morality".Referred to the Founding Fathers as "those aristocratic,
chauvinistic, lily white, slave
owning, land stealing oppressors of indigenous personnel".
-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=
-=-=-=-=-=
Jewish One Liners
Q: Who is Israel's favorite Internet provider?A: Netanyahoo
Q: What's the name of facial lotion made for Jews?A: Oil of Oy Vay
Q: Hear about the new movie that's frightening Jewish
women?
A: It's called, "Debby Does Dishes."
Q: What is the technical term for a divorced Jewish woman?A: "Plaintiff."
Q: How did the Jewish kid verbally abuse his playmates?A: 'Your mother pays retail!"
Q: In the Jewish doctrine, when does a fetus become a
human?
A: When it graduates from med. school.
Q: What does a Jewish woman do to keep her hands soft
and her nails so
long
and beautiful?
A: Nothing, nothing at all.
Q: Jewish people are the most optimistic people in the
world.
A: They have some cut off before they even know how big it
will get.
Q: What did they call the new Jewish-Japanese restaurant?A: "So-Sue-Mi."
Q: Define: Genius:
A: A "C" student with a Jewish mother.
Q: What do you get when you cross a matzo ball with LSD?A: A trip to Israel.
Q: What would you call a bloodthirsty Jew on a rampage?A: Genghis Cohen.
Q: Why did the Moyel retire?
A: He just couldn't cut it anymore.
Q: If Tarzan and Jane were Jewish, what would Cheetah
be?
A: "A fur coat
-=-=-=-
-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=---=-=
-=-=
"So, what's the matter?" asked Rotunda. "I
thought you just got back
from a nice relaxing fishing trip with the old professor?"
"Oh, everything went wrong," says Mrs. Professor.
"First he said I
talked so loud I would scare the fish. Then he said I was
using the wrong bait
and then that I was reeling in too soon.
"All that might have been all right; but then, to
make matters worse,"
lamented Mrs. Professor, I ended up catching the most fish!"
-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=
-=-=-=-=-=
You Know You Might Be From Montana if ...
- The wind is faster than your truck.
- Every other vehicle is a 4x4.
- The sun goes down and you immediately grab your coat.- In March your vehicle is 43% mud.
- You installed your new computer using a Leatherman tool.- Wolves are naturally free and house cats are on a leash.- You hear the words "stream" or "brook"
pronounced as "crick".
- The elevation exceeds the population of your town.- You can pay for a "Big Mac" with a personal check.- There's a Bison in your lane.
- Your central heating system is fueled by large logs.- You can see the stars at night.
- People drive 200+ miles to shop at a mall.
- Your great grandmother is older than the courthouse.- You got a set of new snow tires for Valentine's Day.- More than 1/2 the meat in your freezer is Elk.
- The term "wind chill factor" is part of your
daily vocabulary.
- The bumper jack in your pickup will lift a house.- You put on a pair of snowboots to get the morning paper.- You enjoy a hot chocolate more than a margarita.- A girls' basketball game fills the school gym.
- You put the car heater on your list of best friends.- Tractors are a normal part of traffic.
- You use your back porch as a freezer from October thru
May.
- Your telephone book is smaller than most magazines.- You have made jerky at least once in your life.- Dressing up means wearing a clean flannel shirt and jeans
that aren't
too dirty.
- You think a blacktop road (without stripes) that averages
12 feet
wide
qualifies as a highway.
- You consider someone a neighbor if they only live 6 or
7 miles away.
- You wave to every car on the highway, whether you're on
foot or
driving
or even sitting on the
creek bank with your back to the road.
- You ignore the center line and drive on whichever part
of the road is
smoothest, driest,
or feels safest.
- Your idea of Mexican cuisine is Elk Chili and Bear Tacos.- You know what "Montana Potatoes" are.- You local Radio Shack sells guns, chainsaws, and satellite
dishes.
- You love the BIG SKY!
-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=
-=--=-=-=-=-=-=-=--=-=
You might be from Iowa if ...
- You measure distance in minutes.
- Weather is 80% of your conversation .Down south to you
means Missouri
- Snow tires are standard on your car.
- You have no concept of public transportation 75% of your
graduating
high
school class went
to college "down to Iowa City".
- You know several persons who have hit a deer.
- You have no problem spelling "Des Moines".- You have no problem pronouncing "Des Moines".- You know the answer to the question, "is this Heaven?".- Your school classes were canceled because of cold.- Your school classes were canceled because of heat.- You know what the numbers 1-80, 280 & 380 mean.- You know what "uff-da" means & how to use
it properly.
- You know where all the Yoders live You've licked frozen
metal.
- The only reason you go to Missouri is for fireworks (or
football
games).
- You wear shorts when it's 50 degrees out in March, but
bundle up and
complain in August when it goes below 60 degrees.- You have gone Trick-or-Treating in two feet of snow.- You carry jumper cables in your car.
- You drink "POP" and carry it in a "sack".- You know exactly where "Field of Dreams" was
filmed.
- People from other states love to hear you say "Iowa"
and other words
with "Os" in them.
- You know what "Hawks" and "Clones"
are. When someone says they are
going
out for dinner or supper, you know exactly which meal they
are talking
about.
- You think of the major four food groups as beef, pork,
beer, and
Jell-O
salad with marshmallows.
- You think a hot topic of conversation is last night's tractor
pull.
- When asked how your trip was to any foreign, exotic place,
you say,
"it
was .. different."
- Being a bit younger, you remember Terry Branstad as governor
the
whole
time you were growing up.
- Being a bit older, you remember Robert Ray as governor
the whole time
you were growing up.
- Being even older, you remember Harold Hughes as governor
the whole
time
you were growing up.
- You consider being called a "Pork Queen" an honor- When you lock your front door, you put the key in the mailbox.- Your cousin's visit from California makes the local newspaper.- You know the difference between a "storm door"
and a "storm cellar".
- Your house has a basement, and you've spent quite a bit
of time there
over the years, waiting for tornados to blow over.- You think the governor of Minnesota is "a little much"
-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=
-=-=
Top 9 Signs the Company You Work for Is Going Under ......
1.They start paying everyone in sea shells.
2.The Dairy Queen on the corner is threatening a hostile
takeover.
3.When you say, "See you tomorrow," the watchman
laughs uncontrollably.
4.The chairman walks by your desk and says, "Hey, Hey!
Easy on the staples!"
5.The initials of your company are "G.M."6.Conference room has been turned into chinchilla farm.7.Conversations at the water cooler are mainly with yourself.8.Your boss casually asks you if you know anything about
starting fires.
9.You get a lot of memos in Japanese.
--
Have a magic day and pass it on. Magic Mike http://funandmagic.com// Get the cleanest, cheapest water
for 6 cents a gallon.
http://ld.net/?phon4less Get 3 cents/minute calls. Also,
cheapest phone cards.
http://funandmagic.com/paid2surf.html Be PAID to surf. Make money
on others, too.
Subject:
two good space pics,
Date:
Thu, 06 Jul 2000 11:24:56 -0700
From:
"Magic Mike B" <mmb
Organization:
http://funandmagic.com/
To:
"you" <you
Hi,
For the desk I choose The Center Of The Galaxy
in Infrared, and An Amazing Jet From A
Black Hole.
http://funandmagic.com/photolinks2.htm . How do you have TWO wallpapers?
Use the Panorama
Wallpaper
Slideshow that I offer free on the Utilities Page. Set the
interval for changing wallpaper
to any duration you like.
Please support my site by getting yourself a
healthy water filter
/ and use my
bulk resellers of long distance to get as low as 3 cents
a minute long distance on your
phone.
No fees. No minimums. No contract. TRY IT! You'll love it!
http://ld.net/?phon4less
pLANET pROCTOR Orbits the bottom of today's
email. I had always been an avid fan of
The Firesign Theater and had all their records memorized
since 1970. In the early 1980's
they played
at Seattle Center and I went to the backstage door in my
tux and asserted that I had a
Magic Telegram for
The Firesign Theater and was admitted to their dressing room.
We had a blast for about 20
minutes before
they went on. When they were paid, because the fourth member
was on a project and didn't
come, and the
money was split, there was a penny left on the three-way
split and they gave it to me as a
"lucky penny".
I still have it. Listen to their latest CD "Boom.Dot.Bust"-Magic Mike
-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=
-=-=
Sayings For the Computer Age
What boots up must come down.
Fax is stranger than fiction.
Don't byte off more than you can view.
The geek shall inherit the earth.
The e-mail of the species is more deadly than the mail.
Give a man a fish and you feed him for a day; teach himto use the Net and he won't bother you for weeks.
-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=
-=-=-=-=-=-==
Trivia:
During the 19th century, British soldiers stationed in India
noticed that
when their white service uniforms became stained by a type
of mud there was
a tan, camouflage effect. The locals called the mud 'khaki.'
62 degrees fahrenheit is the minimum temperature required
for a grasshopper
to be able to hop.
Sterling silver is not pure silver. Because pure silver
is too soft to be
used in most tableware it is mixed with copper in the proportion
of 92.5
percent silver to 7.5 percent copper.
-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=
-=-=-=-=-=-=--=
Nancy was sometimes a very naughty seven year-old.
On one
of those occasions, her mother tried to have a 'teachablemoment' with her when she said,
"Don't you know that if you keep being so naughty
your children will be
naughty too?"
Nancy started to giggle, louder and louder.
"And what is so funny, young lady?" the mother asked.
"So what did YOU do?!?"
-
-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=
-=-=-=
Answering machine message
Hello, this is {name} answering machine
reminding you that
yesterday was the last day of the previous
period of your life.
After the beep you can tell me how it
was, or leave some other,
informative message. <BEEP
-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=
-=-=-
A woman was shopping in a fairly nice dress store.
Trying on
a dress and liking it, she asked the salesman the price.
When he told her she launched into a tirade about pricesthese days, covering just about everything from housing toauto tires.
After ten minutes or so, the salesman had obviously hadenough and said, "My dear lady. If the cost of
living is so high
and obviously so offensive to you, why do you bother?"
=-=-==-=-=-=-=-
-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=---=-=
-
Pickup line:
Do you have a quarter? My mom told me to call her when I
fell in love.
-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=--=-
-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=
-=-
Three weeks after her wedding day, Joanna called herminister. "Reverend," she wailed, "John
and I had a
DREADFUL fight!"
"Calm down, my child," said the minister, "it's
not half as bad
as you think. Every marriage has to have its first fight!"
"I know, I know!" said Joanna. "But what
am I going to do with
the BODY?"
-=-=-=-=-=--=-=-=-=-=-=
A good ole boy walks up to a good ole girl and says "Howdy.How you like to come up to my place and have a little fun?"
"Well, I've heard about you good ole boys. Where
exactly
are you from?"
"I'm from Kentucky, way up in the hills."
"Oh, I've heard about you guys from Kentucky,"
she said,
"you guys will screw pigs and goats and cows andchickens..."
He interrupts in a very indignant tone, "CHICKENS?!"
-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=--=-=-=-=-
Now HERE'SSSSSSSSSSSS PHIL!
Subject:
PP 2000/16
Date:
Tue, 4 Jul 2000 22:51:31 -0400
From:
"phil proctor" <PProctor@compuserve.com
To:
"3" <pproctor@compuserve.com
((((((((((((((((((( PLANET PROCTOR 2000/16 - http://www.planetproctor.com
"Burn My Flag and I'll Show You the Stars!" - L.A. Bumpersticker
ME, MYSELF, MOOSE AND SQUIRREL Yes, for those
of you who have asked, I am on screen, "live" in
"The Adventures of Rocky and Bullwinkle", and not
just another pretty
voice. In fact, according to the latest edition of New Times,
I'm
performing a "cameo role" with the likes of Whoopie
Goldberg, Carl Reiner,
Jonathan Winters, Billy Crystal and our dear friend, John
Goodman. You will
find me singing the Pottsylvanian Anthem and performing my
dirty duty as
Fearless Leader's (Robert De Niro's) RBTV director in the
later part of the
film.
Melinda and I
enjoyed R & B immensely at the Universal Citywalk
cast-and-crew screening, where we sat next to "Rocky"
(June Foray) and
Bullwinkle (Keith Scott) -- who for reasons known only to
their agents, do
not receive a "single card" credit for their extraordinary
voice work in
the movie.
And I can be heard,
but not seen, which is probably a good thing,
in the Farley Brothers latest exercise in excess, "Me,
Myself & Irene"
starring the irrefutable Jim Carrey, who does undeniably
one of the
greatest double pratfalls you've ever seen. Rent the tape
and make me rich.
And although we
had to close Arthur Miller's "The Man Who Had All
the Luck", Melinda and I are busy playing a married
couple in an Antaeus
reading of Goldoni's "The Boors" squired
by John Apicella; as well as in
David Ossman and Judith Walcut's Otherworld Media centennial
production in
David's audioplay adaptation of L. Frank Baum's "The
Wonderful Wizard of
Oz" for the L.A. Children's Museum.
I'm also playing
"Toto" (arf!) alongside Robert Guillaume as the
Cowardly Lion, Rene Auberjonois as the Scarecrow, and Nestor
Serrano as the
Tin Woodsman. Harry Anderson is the mighty and beneficent
Oz, Phyllis
Diller the Wicked Witch, and Dorothy will be played by Michelle
"Harriet
the Spy" Trachtenberg.
David and I can
also be heard, but not seen, which is probably a
good thing, in the hilarious and sobering documentary, "Grass."
"I don't care if people think I'm an
overactor. People who think that
would call Van Gogh an overpainter." - Jim Carrey
SHAKE RATTLE
AND ROLL
Earthquakes can
strike without warning, and being prepared for such
a disaster can mean the difference between life and
death. Here are some
tips to help you and your loved ones make it through a quake: o Those living
in areas not prone to earthquakes can respond
quickly to the plight of disaster victims in quake
zones by smirking and
saying complacently, "I told you so."
o To minimize
loss and damage in a quake, try not to own things.
o Practice your
burrowing-out-from-under-40-tons-of-rubble skills
*ahead* of time.
o Look out your
window often. If you see a large widening crack
moving rapidly from the horizon toward your home, step either
to the right
or the left.
o Do you have
a treasured childhood toy -- perhaps a stuffed
animal, such as a teddy bear? Well, let's see Mr. Bear
help you now.
o For those who
fear earthquakes, it may comfort you to know that a
majority of the damage during the 1906 San Francisco earthquake
did not
come from the tremors themselves, but from the raging fires
that consumed
most of the city.
o A doorway is
the safest place to be! Eat, sleep and work in
doorways.
o Be sure to mail
your house-insurance payments a full five
business days before a major earthquake strikes.
o If you are caught
in a major earthquake in Southern California
and are part of the entertainment industry, take a moment
or two to reflect
on how grossly you've wasted your life.
(From
wasted film director Lev Spiro, uncredited)
"Stay there. Half-time work of wits, worth
no more than full-time work of
halfwits." - Telegram from a NY writer in 30's Hollywood,
as recalled by
wag Paul Willson
WE REGRET TO INFORM YOU... At the Hatch Gallery
in Mar Vista, artist Chris Sicat has dedicated
his latest exhibit to a celebration of rejection -- where
you can read
actual letters beside works that were turned down like hotel
beds.
And the most devastating
on display in "The Rejection Show" is
actually from a psychologist who rejected an artist as a
patient due to the
"uniqueness of [his] psychological landscape."
He recommended that he "look
deeply into [his] childhood in order to evaluate [his] behavior." Or he could call Dr. Laura. ("Cityscapes"
by Bobby Cuza in the L.A.
Times)
"The barriers are not erected which
can say to aspiring talents and
industry, 'Thus far and no farther.'" - Ludwig
van Beethoven (1770-1827)
MORON LAURA On her show, Schlessinger
lashes premarital sex, divorce,
cohabitation, pregnancy out of wedlock, and pornography,
and condemns those
who engage in such activities as "sluts," "dummies,"
and worse. But over
the past few years, thanks largely to Vanity Fair and an
unauthorized
biography, damaging story after damaging story has trickled
out about
Schlessinger.
She's a divorcee.
She carried on an affair with a married father
and eventually broke up his marriage. Then she lived with
him for years
before they married. She got pregnant before they married.
She posed for
nude photographs. She talks nonstop about the importance
of honoring
parents and family, yet has not spoken to her own mother
or sister for 15
years.
Her life, in short, is full of the weakness and venality
she condemns in
her callers.
Schlessinger says
she's not a hypocrite because all her sins are in
the past. A hypocrite is someone who says, "Do as I
say, not as I do," she
says, but "somebody who says, 'Do as I do, not as I
did,' is a teacher."
(By David Plotz, "Slate" Washington
Bureau Chief)
"Anyone can do any amount of work, provided
it isn't the work he is
supposed to be doing at the moment." - Robert Benchley
DOWN, BOY!
I MEAN IT!
According to the
Associated Press, George Stephens Finley, 58, was
upset that his wife's neutered male poodle/Yorkshire
terrier repeatedly
tried to engage in sexual activity with another family dog,
a male Jack
Russell terrier, so he beaned the dog with a plastic vacuum
cleaner
attachment and flung it against a tree, after which dog lapsed
into a coma
and had to be put down. Really down. Sheriff's Capt. Mike
McQuaig says, "He
felt that the dog was a queer-type dog and it made him angry." Although Finley
maintained he struck the dog accidentally, a jury
ruled him guilty of a hate crime -- fatally beating a dog
because he
thought it was gay -- and he could get up to a year in jail.
(From Eric
Boardman)
"If the brain were so simple we could understand
it, we would be so
simple we couldn't." - Lyall Watson
A REAL PAGE
TURNER!
Concert Program
Notes: "Tonight's page turner, Ruth Spelke, studied
under Ivan Schmertnick at the Boris Nitsky School of Page
Turning in
Philadelphia. She has been turning pages here and abroad
for many years for
some of the world's leading pianists.has been turning pages
here and abroad
for many years for some of the world's leading pianists. In 1988, Ms. Spelke
won the Wilson Page Turning Scholarship, which
sent her to Israel to study page turning from left
to right. She is winner
of the 1984 Rimsky Korsakov Flight of the Bumblebee Prestissimo
Medal,
having turned 47 pages in an unprecedented 32 seconds. She
was also a 1983
silver medalist at the Klutz Musical Page Pickup Competition:
contestants
retrieve and rearrange a musical score dropped from a Yamaha.
Ms. Spelke
excelled in 'grace, swiftness, and especially poise...' For techniques,
Ms. Spelke performs both the finger-licking and the
bent-page corner methods. She works from a standard
left bench position,
and is the originator of the dipped-elbow page snatch, a
style used to
avoid obscuring the pianist's view of the music. She is page
turner in
residence in Fairfield Iowa, where she occupies the coveted
Alfred
Hitchcock Chair at the Fairfield Page Turning Institute.
Ms. Spelke is
married, and has a nice house on a lake." (From Jon
Delphin, source
unknown)
"Most people have overestimated how
much money they need and have
miscalculated the work-to-play ratio." - Ray Magliozzi,
co-author of "In
Our Humble Opinion" by Click and Clack, the Tappet Brothers,
as quoted in
Time.
AND THE WINNER
IS...
From many planeteers came the winning
entries of this year's
Bulwer-Lytton contest, for which the participants are asked
to pen the
first line of a novel:
10"As a scientist,
Throckmorton knew that if he were ever to break
wind in the sound chamber he would never hear the end of
it."
9"Just
beyond the Narrows the river widens."
8. "With
a curvaceous figure that Venus would have envied, a
tanned, unblemished oval face framed with lustrous thick
brown hair, deep
azure-blue eyes fringed with long black lashes, perfect teeth
that vied for
competition, and a small straight nose, Marilee had a beauty
that defied
description."
7. "Andre,
a simple peasant, had only one thing on his mind as he
crept along the east wall: 'Andre creep... Andre creep...
Andre creep.'"
6. "Stanislaus
Smedley, a man always on the cutting edge of
narcissism, was about to give his body and soul to a back-alley
sex-change
surgeon to become the woman he loved."
5. "Although Sarah
had an abnormal fear of mice, it did not keep her
from eking out a living at a local pet store." 4. "Stanley looked
quite bored and somewhat detached, but then
penguins often do."
3. "Like an overripe
beefsteak tomato rimmed with cottage cheese,
the corpulent remains of Santa Claus lay dead on the hotel
floor."
2. "Mike Hardware
was the kind of private eye who didn't know the
meaning of the word 'fear,' a man who could laugh in the
face of danger and
spit in the eye of death - in short, a moron with suicidal
tendencies."
And -- 1. "The
sun oozed over the horizon, shoved aside darkness,
crept along the greensward, and, with sickly fingers, pushed
through the
castle window, revealing the pillaged princess, hand at throat,
crown
asunder, gaping in frenzied horror at the sated, sodden amphibian
lying
beside her, disbelieving the magnitude of the frog's deception,
screaming
madly, 'You lied!'"
"I'm gonna talk about the ideal
world, Chris. I've read -- I understand
reality. If you're asking me as the president, would I understand
reality?
I do." - Bush on abortion: Hardball,MSNBC 5/31
SEX AND THE SINGLE BLOKE
The Daily Mail
reports that the British are the sex machines of
Europe, starting younger and lasting longer during their
more frequent
bouts of love-making than any other people on the continent,
according to a
survey which claims that the average Brit has sex more than
2,500 times
during his or her lifetime, with five different partners. On average, sex
lasts 21 minutes - longer than any other European
nation and third only to the Americans and Brazilians. The
Italian average
is a mere 14 minutes while Thais take only 10 minutes. The
Brazilians,
whose love-making takes an average of 30 minutes, also have
the most
partners and are most tolerant of infidelity but 44 per cent
of Brazilian
women admit to "faking it".
The survey, which
draws on research in biology, psychology and
social anthropology, was drawn up by Professor Judith Mackay,
an adviser to
the World Health Organisation and a fellow of the Royal College
of
Physicians. The Penguin Atlas of human sexual behaviour -
due to be
published next month - also finds that 46 per cent of American
women think
a good night's sleep is better that sex. And 23 per cent
of Germans are
sexually stimulated by under-arm odor. Tell us something
we DON'T know.
(Larry Belling, a Yank in the UK)
"Kids in the back seat cause accidents.
Accidents in the back seat
cause kids." - Joke
UNITED WE STAND -- UNTIED WE FALL
(From the good Doctor, Barry Kohn, the first of three
stories with a
moral):
A rabbit is walking
down the road. He sees a crow very, very high
up on a pole. The rabbit says, "Hello Mr.
Crow, what are you doing?"
The crow says,
"Absolutely nothing."
The rabbit says,
"Oh, can I do absolutely nothing too?"
The crow says,
"Why certainly Mr. Rabbit."
So the rabbit
sits there doing absolutely nothing. A fox comes
along and eats the rabbit!
The moral
of the story: "YOU CAN DO ABSOLUTELY NOTHING, BUT YOU
MUST BE VERY, VERY HIGH UP."
"Life isn't something that happens 'to'
you; it is something that
happens 'through' you." - Dr. Ernest Holmes, "The
Science of Mind"
DEATH HAPPENS George Mair, writes
in his latest LALA Land Letter: "Many are
recalling enjoyment given us by actor Walter Matuschanskayasky
who just
died. We knew him as grumpy, funny Walter Matthau. If he
could read his
obituary today, he would be struck that people seem to die
in alphabetical
order."
Farewell as well
to David Tomilson of "Mary Poppins" fame who said,
"I'm used to working with children, chimney sweeps and
cartoon animals"; to
Harold Nicholas, of the legendary tapping Nicholas Brothers,
who exited
right before their scheduled tribute at the John Anson Ford
Theater on
Saturday; and to Friedenreich Hundertwasser (ne Stowasser),
eccentric
Viennese artist who hangs in my livingroom but is best known
for designing
a multi-hued apartment building lacking straight lines, which
he deemed --
"the tool of the devil."
"If you add all of the inside
numbers of a roulette table (36+35+34,
etc.) together, you end up with a sum of 666." - Tim
Tuffield
AND THE STRIKE GOES ON...
"I don't want to earn my living; I just want to live." - Oscar Wilde
+++++++++++(JULY 4, 2000)++++++++++
* FIRESIGN SITE: www.firesigntheatre.com
* FIRESIGN PRODUCT: www.lodestone-media.com
* FUNNY TIMES: www.funnytimes.com
PLANET PROCTOR (C) 2000 by Phil Proctor
--
Have a magic day and pass it on. Magic Mike http://funandmagic.com// Get the cleanest, cheapest water
for 6 cents a gallon.
http://ld.net/?phon4less Get 3 cents/minute calls. Also,
cheapest phone cards.
http://funandmagic.com/paid2surf.html Be PAID to surf. Make money
on others, too.
Subject:
Pelecan Nebula makes a great wallpaper
Date:
Mon, 03 Jul 2000 09:49:43 -0700
From:
"Magic Mike B" <mmb
Organization:
http://funandmagic.com/
To:
"you" <you
Hi,
The Pelecan Nebula makes a great wallpaper photo
for your desktop today.
http://funandmagic.com/photolinks2.htm
I was watching a TV commercial for 5 cent evenings and such
phone rates.
Get 3 cents a minute from me anytime, unlimited, with NO
fees or contracts.
http://ld.net/?phon4less .
-Magic Mike
Four young bulls in a verdant pasture indulged,naturally enough, in a bull session.
"I," said the first, "shall go to Rome to be a papal bull."
"I," said the second, "shall get a job
in a brokerage
office and become a Wall Street bull."
"I," said the third, "shall become a bull in a china shop."
"All right," agreed the fourth bull, nodding
cheerfully.
"Go out in the world if you will. But I love it
right
here in this green pasture. I intend to stay herefor heifer and heifer and heifer."
-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=
-=-=
The Therapist
A man walked into a therapists office looking very depressed,
"Doc, you've
got to help me. I can't go on like this." "What's
the problem?" the doctor
inquired. "Well, I'm 35 years old and I still have no
luck with the ladies.
No matter how hard I try, I just seem to scare them away."
"My friend, this is not a serious problem. You just
need to work on your
self-esteem. Each morning, I want you to get up and run to
the bathroom
mirror. Tell yourself that you are a good person, a fun person,
and an
attractive person. But say it with real conviction. Within
a week you'll
have women buzzing all around you." The man seemed content
with this advice
and walked out of the office a bit excited.
Three weeks later he returned with the same downtrodden
expression on his
face. "Did my advice not work?" asked the doctor.
"It worked alright. For the past several weeks I've
enjoyed some of the
best moments in my life with the most fabulous looking women."
"So, what's your problem?"
"I don't have a problem," the man replied. "My wife does."
-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=
-=-=-=-=-=-
Two blonde gals went together to play the slot machines
at the
casino. Each agreed that when her allotted money was gone,
she would
go to the front of the casino and sit on the bench to wait
for the
other.
Trixie quickly lost all of her money and went to sit on
the bench.
She waited and waited. After what seemed an eternity, she
saw Patty
coming toward her carrying a huge sack of coins.
"Hey, Trixie," said Patty, "how'd you do?"
"Not very good" came the reply. "I've been waiting here for hours".
"You should have been with me...did I find a good
machine! It's way
in the back. I'll show it to you...you can't lose!Every time You put a dollar in, you win four quarters!"
-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=
Temper
Patient: Doctor, you must help me. I'm under such a lot
of stress. I keep
losing my temper with people.
Doctor: Tell me about your problem.
Patient: I just did, you stupid bastard!
-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=
-=-=-=-=-=-
Answering machine message
These words are lovely dark and deep, But I've got promises to keep, and miles to go before I sleep. So leave a message at the beep. <BEEP
--
Have a magic day and pass it on. Magic Mike http://funandmagic.com// Get the cleanest, cheapest water
for 6 cents a gallon.
http://ld.net/?phon4less Get 3 cents/minute calls. Also,
cheapest phone cards.
http://funandmagic.com/paid2surf.html Be PAID to surf. Make money
on others, too.
Subject:
Flower Paintbrush
Date:
Sun, 02 Jul 2000 07:03:32 -0700
From:
"Magic Mike B" <mmb
Organization:
http://funandmagic.com/
To:
"you" <you
Never slap a man who chews tobacco.
Willard Scott
Hi,
Flowers paint the landscape along the Continental
Divide near taylor Mountain
http://funandmagic.com/photolinks2.htm .
If you don't have a water filter, you ARE the
filter, and cooking with Chlorine creates
horrible cancerous compounds. At 6 cents a gallon, you can
afford to cook pasta,
vegetables and soup with healthy water. /-Magic Mike
I am a Special Education teacher, and I test children
for our program.
One day I was testing a 3rd-grade boy. The question was,
"Where do most
teachers work?" He was having a difficult time with
the question, and I
decided to help.
I asked, "Where do I work?"
He replied, "At school."
I said, "Well, What is my job?"
He said, "I don't know."
I told him that I was a teacher.
He got this very unbelieving look on his face and said,
"I thought you
were someone who helped kids."
I guess he was right!
-=-=-
-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=---=-=
I used to teach elementary school in UK. Here is a "blooper"
made by one
student.
We all know about the large number of kings by the name
of Louis that ruled
over France. There was Louis I, Louis II, Louis III ..........
and, yes,
there was even, according to one of my students, ... Louis
IIIIIIIIIIIIII.
-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-==-=-=-=-=--=-=
I was trying to finish up filling out the registration
cards for the kids,
and on one card there was a blank beside "Father's Occupation."
I asked
Johnny, "What does your father do, Johnny?"
He said, "He don't do nothin'. He's dead."
I said, "Oh, I'm so sorry! What did he do before he died?"
Johnny said, "He grabbed his throat and went 'AAAARRRRRGGGGHHH!'"
-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=
-=-=-=-=-=-
On the 6th day, God created man and woman.
On the 7th day, he rested; not so much to recuperate,
but rather to prepare
himself for the work he was going to do on the next day.
For it was on that day, the 8th day, that God created
the FIRST TEACHER.
This Teacher, though taken from among men and women, had
several
significan't modifications.
In general, God made the Teacher more durable than other
men and women. The
Teacher was made to arise at a very early hour and to go
to bed no earlier
than 11:30 P.M. - with no rest in between.
The Teacher had to be able to withstand being locked up
in an air-tight
classroom for six hours with thirty-five "monsters"
on a rainy Monday. And
the Teacher had to be fit to correct 103 term papers over
Easter vacation.
Yes, God made the Teacher tough... but gentle too. The
Teacher was equipped
with soft hands to wipe away the tears of the neglected and
lonely
student... or those of the sixteen-year-old girl who was
not asked to the prom.
And into the Teacher God poured a generous amount of patience---Patiencefor when a student asks her to repeat the directions the
Teacher has just
repeated for someone else---Patience for when the kids forget
their lunch
money for the fourth day in a row...Patience for when one-third
of the
class fails the test---Patience for when the text books haven't
arrived
yet, and the semester starts tomorrow.
And God gave the Teacher a heart slightly bigger than
the average human
heart. For the Teacher's heart had to be big enough to love
the kid who
screams, "I hate this class; it's boring!" and
to love the kid who runs out
of the classroom at the end of the period without so much
as a "Goodbye",
let alone a "Thank you".
And lastly, God gave the Teacher an abundant supply of
HOPE; for God knew
that the Teacher would always be hoping... hoping that the
kids would
someday learn how to spell... hoping not to have lunchroom
duty... hoping
that Friday would come... hoping for a free day.... hoping
for deliverance.
When God finished creating the Teacher, he stepped back
and admired the
work of his hands.
And God saw that the TEACHER was good. Very Good!
And God smiled, for when he looked at the Teacher, he
saw into the future.
He knew that the future is in the hands of the Teachers.
And because God
loves Teachers so much, on the 9th day God created Snow Days.
-=--=-=-=-=-=-=--=--=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=
Some years ago, the Sultan of Brunei was becoming angry
as he had 6
children, all girls, and therefore had no son and heir.
Imagine his joy
when one of his wives finally presented him with his only
son and heir.
Just before his son's sixth birthday, the Sultan took
him to one side and
said,
"Son, I am very proud of you. Anything you want, I shall get for you."
His son replied,
"Daddy, I would like to have my own airplane."
Not wanting to do anything halfway, his father bought
him American
Airlines.
Just before his son's seventh birthday, the Sultan took him to one side.
"Son, you are my pride and joy. Anything you want, I shall get for you."
His son replied,
"Daddy, I would like a boat."
Not wanting to do anything halfway, his father bought
him The Princess
Cruise Lines.
Just before his son's eighth birthday, the Sultan took him to one side.
"Son, you bring so much happiness into my life.
Anything you want, I
shall get for you."
His son replied,
"Daddy, I would like to be able to watch cartoons."
Not wanting to do anything halfway, his father bought
him Disney Studios
and their theaters, where he watched all his favourite cartoons.
Just before his son's ninth birthday, the Sultan took him to one side.
"Son, you are an inspiration to us all. Anything
you want, I shall get
for you."
His son, who had really gotten into the Disney cartoons, replied,
"Daddy, I would like a Mickey Mouse outfit."
Not wanting to do anything halfway, his father went and
bought him
Microsoft.
--
Have a magic day and pass it on. Magic Mike http://funandmagic.com/Get long distance as low as 3 cents a minute - http://ld.net/?phon4lessThe BEST, cheapest water filter is a solid carbon block.
If you don't have a filter, you
ARE the filter. http://cleanestwater.bizland.com/FEED THE HUNGRY and FIGHT CANCER. Corporate sponsors pay
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