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Magic Mike's Jokes Archive #24
Jokes from the mailbox, Magic Mailouts, NASA space
photo links and other great wallpaper photos,
and Firesign Phil's Planet Proctor Orbits
This is a VERY long text page of archived
jokes.
If you want to see them ALL, don't click away until the page finishes loading.
"Enjoy" - Magic Mike
Back to Joke Archive
Entry Magic Mike's Joke
Page Parlor Magic Mike's Home
Page
These jokes are to laugh at ourselves, so please
do not take offense.
"Since all phenomena, is a product of one's
own mind, empty of meaning, like a magician's illusion,
having nothing to do with good or bad, acceptance or rejection, one might
burst out in laughter."
- Longchenpa, 13th century Tibetan monk.
Subject: waterfall in the woods Date: Mon,
29 May 2000 20:08:26 -0700
From: "Magic
Mike B" <mmb
Organization: To:
"you" <mmb
Hi,
Here is a nice photo of a waterfall in the woods
from Senator Leahy;s home page.
http://funandmagic.com/photolinks2.htm .
Here is another Planet Proctor.
Have a magic day.
Magic Mike
Top Ten Signs Your Co-worker Is A Computer Hacker ......
10. You ticked him off once and your next phone bill was for $20,000.
9. He's won the Publisher's Clearing House sweepstakes 3 years running.
8. When asked for his phone number, he gives it in hex.
7. Seems strangely calm whenever the office computer network goes down.
6. Somehow gets HBO on his PC at work.
5. Mumbled, "Oh, puh-leeez" 95 times during the movie "The Net."
4. Massive 401k contribution made in half-cent increments.
3. His video dating profile lists "public-key encryption" among hobbies.
2. When his computer starts up, you hear, "Good
Morning, Mr.
President."
1. You hear him murmur, "Let's see you use
that Visa card now, Professor
I-Don't-Give-A's-In-Computer-Science!"
-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=
-=-
A Man goes to see the Rabbi.
"Rabbi, something terrible is happening and I have to
talk to you about
it."
The Rabbi asked, "What's wrong?"
The man replied, "My wife is poisoning me."The Rabbi, very surprised by this, asks, "How can that
be?"
The man then pleads, "I'm telling you, I'm certain she's
poisoning me,
what should I do?"
The Rabbi then offers, "Tell you what. Let
me talk to her, I'll see what
I can find out and I'll let you know."
A week later the Rabbi calls the man and says, "Well,
I spoke to your
wife. I spoke to her on the phone for three hours. You want
my advice?"
The man anxiously says, "Yes."
"Take the poison," says the Rabbi.
=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-===--=
Top 10 Signs Your PC Isn't Top Of The Line ......
10. The monitor is certified for low emissions by JiffyLube.
9. The logo on your receipt: International House of Lame Computers.
8. You see the salesman you bought it from hawking genuine Rolexes on street corners.
7. The sound board and speakers are a separate unit, and they receive only AM.
6. The ad slogan: Ronald McDonald just grew up.
5. It has only two expansion slots, and they just popped up a couple of rounds of toast.
4. It's labeled "energy saving" only because there's no power supply.
3. You just got another one with your Happy Meal.
2. The infrared cordless keyboard has only 15 keys,
and one of them is marked Fast
Forward.
1. The sticker reads "nothing of value inside."
-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=
-=-=
Subject:
PP 2000/13
Date:
Mon, 29 May 2000 12:27:50 -0400
From:
"phil proctor" <PProctor@compuserve.com
To:
"3" <pproctor@compuserve.com
((((((((((((((((((( PLANET PROCTOR 2000/13- http://www.planetproctor.com
"George Bush = He bugs Gore."- Mad magazine,from Dr. John
ASK DR. LAURA Dear Dr. Laura,
Thank you for doing so much to educate people
regarding God's law. When someone tries to defend the homosexual
lifestyle,
for example, I simply remind him that Leviticus 18:22 clearly
states it to
be an abomination. End of debate. I do need some advice from
you, however,
regarding some of the specific laws and how to best follow
them.
When I burn a
bull on the altar as a sacrifice, I know it creates a
pleasing odor for the Lord (Lev. 1:9). The problem is my
neighbors. They
claim the odor is not pleasing to them. How should I deal
with this?
I would like to
sell my daughter into slavery, as it suggests in
Exodus 21:7. In this day and age, what do you think would
be a fair price
for her? I also know that I am allowed no contact with a
woman while she is
in her period of menstrual uncleanliness (Lev. 15:19-24).
The problem is,
how do I tell? I have tried asking, but most women take offense. Now I have a neighbor
who insists on working on the Sabbath. Exodus
35:2 clearly states he should be put to death. Am I
morally obligated to
kill him myself? Then, Lev. 25:44 states that I may
buy slaves from the
nations that are around us. A friend of mine claims that
this applies to
Mexicans but not Canadians. Can you clarify?
A friend of mine
also feels that even though eating shellfish is an
abomination (Lev. 10:10), it is a lesser abomination than
homosexuality. I
don't agree. Can you settle this? And Lev. 20:20 states that
I may not
approach the altar of God if I have a defect in my sight.
I have to admit
that I wear reading glasses. Does my vision have to be 20/20,
or is there
some wiggle room here?
I know you have
studied these things extensively, so I am confident
you can help. Thank you again for reminding us that God's
word is eternal
and unchanging. (From a Jewish bondage newsgroup)
"Back Off! I'm A Postal Worker!" - L.A. bumpersticker
MADE (UP) IN
CHINA
"I was overjoyed
when the company announced on television that my
husband was the first survivor to be carried out of the collapsed
tunnel,"
the widow of Chen Xuexian told a judicial inquiry in Guangdong
Province,
China. "I rushed to the tunnel to see him, but when
I got there, a company
official took me to one side and explained what had really
happened. My
husband was dead, and the people they were bringing out of
the tunnel
weren't workers at all. They were actors."
Investigators
from Beijing have now uncovered what took place when
the Ongyuan Tunnel collapsed in Guangdong province in September
1999,
trapping a number of construction workers underground. The
true death toll
was nine, but the company feared bad publicity, so they ordered
members of
the rescue team to pretend to be victims. They gave them
workers' overalls,
and told them to lie down among the rubble in the caved-in
area. Then they
told the other rescuers to pick them up and carry them out
in front of the
television cameras, as though they had just been found alive. The pretense completely
fooled the journalists, who reported it as
a successful rescue. It was only when the wives started complaining
to the
police about their missing husbands that suspicions were
aroused. The nine
bodies? They're still in the tunnel." (Beijing Youth
Daily, !/18, from
Dr.John)
"Apparently, 1 in 5 people
in the world are Chinese," says Tommy
Cooper, "and there are 5 people in my family, so it
must be one of them.
It's either my mum or my dad. Or my older brother Colin.
Or my younger
brother Ho-Cha-Chu. But I think it's Colin."
CAN YOU TOP
THIS?
The Top 15 Euphemisms for Impotence:
15. 180 degrees shy of heaven
14. Performing with Flacido Domingo
13. A few parts shy of an erector set
12. Sch-wing and a miss
1.1. Not rising to the level of impeachable offense10. The Null Monte
9. Disappointing Miss Daisy
8. Taking the gold at the Lake Flaccid Olympics 7. Ascension Deficit Disorder
6. Bouncing the Check of Love
5. Less-than-Magic Johnson
4. All Doled up with nowhere to go
3. Welcome to Flaccid City. Population: You 2. Serving boneless pork
(and Topfive.com's
Number 1 Euphemism for Impotence...)
1. Unleavened Man-Bread
"Life is just a bowl of queries..." - Phil's Funny Facts
BOOK HIM, DANO Readers were asked
to combine the works of two authors and provide
a suitable blurb in a 1999 Washington Post Invitational.
Some of the
winners:
* "Machiavelli's The Little Prince"
- The whimsy of human nature is
embodied in many delightful and intriguing characters, all
of whom are
executed.
* "Green Eggs and Hamlet"- Would you
kill him in his bed?/Thrust a
dagger through his head? I would not, could not, kill
the King./I could
not do that evil thing,/Would not wed this girl, you see,/Now
get her to a
nunnery.
* "Fahrenheit 451 of the Vanities"-
An '80s yuppie is denied books. He
does not object, or even notice.
* "Where's Walden?"- Alas, the challenge
of locating Henry David Thoreau
in each richly detailed drawing loses its appeal when it
quickly becomes
clear that he is always in the woods.
* "Looking for Mr. Godot"- A young
woman waits for Mr. Right to enter
her life. She has a looong wait.
* "Curious Georgefather"- The monkey sticks
his nose where it don't
belong and gets it cut off.
* "Nicholas and Alexandra Nickleby"- Having
narrowly escaped a Bolshevik
firing squad, the former czar and czarina join a troupe of
actors only to
find that playing the Palace isn't as grand as living in
it.
* "Tarzan of the Grapes"- The beleaguered
Okies of the dust bowl are
saved by a strong and brave savage who swings from grapevine
to grapevine.
* "Portnoy's Choice"- A man must choose
between his right and left hand.
"A dog teaches a boy fidelity, perseverance,
and to turn around three
times before lying down." - Robert Benchley
LAWSEY ME Beware! In Idaho,
it's illegal for a man to give his sweetheart a
box of candy weighing less than fifty pounds. In Pocatello,
the carrying of
concealed weapons is forbidden unless some of them are exhibited
to public
view and in the town of Hood River, juggling without a license
is strictly
prohibited.
In Utah, birds
have the right of way on all highways, you're not
allowed to fish from horseback and although it's illegal
NOT to drink milk,
it IS legal for restaurants to serve wine with meals -- but
only if you ask
for the wine list.
It is however,
always illegal to detonate any nuclear weapons. (You
can have them, but you just can't detonate them.) Also, a husband
is responsible for every criminal act committed by
his wife while she is in his presence; and when a person
reaches the age of
50, they can marry their cousin. In the city of Logan, women
may not swear;
in Monroe, daylight must be visible between partners on a
dance floor; and
in Provo, throwing snowballs will result in a $50 fine.
Stay home.
"A blind bloke walks into a shop with a guide
dog," says Cooper, "He
picks the dog up and starts swinging it around his head.
Alarmed, an
assistant asks: 'Can I help, sir?' 'No thanks,' says the
blind bloke. 'Just
looking.'"
THE SHOW MUST...GO ON!!
Famed actor and
last of the great British theatrical knights, Sir
John Gielgud passed away last week at the age of 96, creating
the opening
to shoot "Weekend At Bernie's 3" as early as this
week.
"John was
a great actor. I've never really seen his work, but I'm
told he was," said Hollywood director Vince Lee, carefully
adjusting the
actor's corpse into an appropriately wacky position on either
side of
Andrew McCarthy and Jonathan Silverman for the screen test. "Finally
though, we have the acting clout needed to make this
project a 'go' picture." The film will be shot entirely
on location in Sir
John's home outside London and his beach house on England's
South coast.
"I'm glad
we waited for John. We almost made the movie last summer
with Bob Hope. But John is real class," Lee said. "And
he's actually dead."
(John Walsh, Contributing Editor, MAXIM Magazine)
"If I've made it a little easier for artists
to work in violence, great!
I've accomplished something." - Director Quentin Tarentino
SEX AFTER SEXTY? Two 90 year olds
had been dating for a while, when the man told the
woman, "Well, tonight's the night we have sex."
And so they did. As they
are lying in bed afterward, the man thinks to himself, "My
God, if I knew
she was a virgin, I would have been much more gentle with
her!"
And the woman
was thinking to herself, "My God, if I knew the old
geezer could actually get it up, I would have taken off my
pantyhose!"
Two other senior
citizens were bragging about their sex lives.
"I have sex
with my wife twice a week. How many can you do?"
"Oh, I do
it almost every night of the week!"
"Really?
Almost every night?"
"Yup! Monday,
almost, Tuesday, almost, Wednesday, almost..."
(From Bob
Joles and Patty Paul)
"I was there at the beginning. I kissed that
girl's inner thighs when she
was six days old." - William Ginsberg, former attorney
to Monica Lewinsky
in Time magazine
WHO'S LOOKING
?
Great news for
girl watchers: medical experts have discovered that
ogling women's breasts is good for a man's health and can
add years to his
life. According to the New England Journal of Medicine, "Just
10 minutes of
staring at the charms of a well-endowed female is roughly
equivalent to a
30-minute aerobics workout" declared gerontologist Dr.
Karen Weatherby.
She and fellow
researchers at three hospitals in Frankfurt,
Germany, reached the startling conclusion after comparing
the health of 200
male outpatients, half of whom were instructed to look at
busty females
daily, the other half told to refrain from doing so. The
study revealed
that after five years, the chest-watchers had lower blood
pressure, slower
resting pulse rates and fewer instances of coronary artery
disease.
"Sexual excitement
gets the heart pumping and improves blood
circulation," explains Dr. Weatherby. "There's
no question: gazing at
breasts makes men healthier. Our study indicates that engaging
in this
activity a few minutes daily cuts the risk of stroke and
heart attack in
half. We believe that by doing so consistently, the average
man can extend
his life four to five years." Live Long and Prosper!
(From Roger Steffens)
"So I was getting into my car,"
says Tommy Cooper, "and this bloke says
to me 'Can you give me a lift?' I said 'Sure,
you look great, the world's
your oyster, go for it.'"
WALKING A THIN
LINE
For those of you wondering
if there might be some truth to the
Advertising Industry argument that because of the decline
of network TV
audience size, the value of actors' performance in a commercial
is worth
less, here are some facts to ponder:
This year television
networks can command rate increases of 15% or
more for the time they sell, according to an article in the
Monday, May 15
edition of the New York Times. Advertiser are trying to roll
back the rates
they pay actors but are willing to pay increased rates for
air time.
Furthermore, the six television networks, as a whole, set
a record this
season for total advertising revenue, taking in about $16.8
billion
dollars. As you
walk the picket line, were you wondering how much
money the head of an advertising agency that has placed you
on the picket
line makes?
John Wren President/CEO
of Omnicom makes $3,424,000.00
Allen Rosenshine,
President/CEO of BBDO Worldwide: $3,325,000.00
Edward Mayer,
Chairman/CEO of Grey Advertising: $3,300,000.00
Keith Reinhard,
Chairman/CEO DDB Worldwide: $3,220,000.00
(And remember, these are executives complaining
that we earn too much.)
"It is not childish
to live with uncertainty, to devote oneself to a
craft rather than a career, to an idea rather than an institution.
It's
courageous, and requires a courage of the order that the
institutionally
co-opted are ill-equipped to perceive. They are so unequipped
to perceive
it that they can only call it childish, and so excuse their
exploitation of
you." - From David Mamet's recent book of essays on
the nature of being an
artist in our society.
HAVE A MEMORIAL DAY!
+++++++++++(5/29/2000)++++++++++
*
FIRESIGN SITE: www.firesigntheatre.com
*
FIRESIGN PRODUCT: www.lodestone-media.com
*
FUNNY TIMES: www.funnytimes.com
PLANET PROCTOR (C) 2000 by Phil Proctor
--
Have a magic day and pass it on.
Magic Mike http://funandmagic.com/
.- - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - -
----------------
Get the cleanest, cheapest water for 6 cents a gallon.http://ld.net/?phon4less Get 3 cents/minute calls. Also, cheapest phone cards.
http://funandmagic.com/paid2surf.html Be PAID to surf. Make money on others, too.
http://www.twoscoops.com/giving.html Feed hungry, fight cancer, save forests.
http://greencar.policy.net/ Do your part to help get cleaner and greener cars.
Boudreaux & Thibodeaux were talking one afternoon, and Boudreaux tells Thibodeaux, "You
know, I tink I'm ready for a little vacation. But dis year I wants to do sumting
different. De las' few years, I took your suggestions about where to go. Three years ago
you said I should go to Hawaii, an' I did an' Marie got pregnant. De next year you said
to go to de Bahamas.
Marie got pregnant again. And last year you told me to go to Tahiti. Sure enough, Marie
got pregnant again. Dis year I wants to go someplace cheaper so I can bring her wit me."
-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=
-=-=-=-=-
Subject:
Solar Sail Probe, Funny Cruise Stories, Back in Time
Date:
Fri, 26 May 2000 11:02:16 -0700
From:
"Magic Mike B" <mmb
Organization:
To:
"you" <mmb
Hi,
See one concept currently being explored by
NASA centers to develop an interstellar
probe pushed along by sunlight reflected from an ultrathin
sail. Nearly half a kilometer
wide, the delicate solar sail would be unfurled in space.
Continuous pressure from
sunlight would ultimately accelerate the craft to speeds
about five times higher than
possible with conventional rockets -- without requiring any
fuel! If launched in 2010
such a probe could overtake Voyager 1, the most distant spacecraft
bound for interstellar
space, in 2018 going as far in eight years as the Voyager
will have journeyed in 41 years.
http://funandmagic.com/photolinks2.htm .
Sorry if you missed the Spock vs. Q hour long
comedy yesterday on Real Audio's Take
Five. It might have been one day only. Maybe they will repeat
it. It was part of something
called Alien Voices.
CRUISING
These are true stories from someone who works on a cruise
ship.
1. (For this one, you have to know that it's really easy
to get
lost in the maze of corridors and elevators on a ship.) A
lady
asked if this elevator went to the front of the ship.2. Two elderly women were staring at the numbers of the floorslisted ABOVE the elevator DOOR. When asked if they needed
any
assistance with something, one asked how they were going
to be
able to reach way up there to push the button for their floor.3. A newlywed couple, after bringing their luggage into theircabin, stormed down to the desk. The bride was in tears,
and
the groom was red faced. When asked what the problem was,
the
groom started swearing at the desk clerk. "We booked
a cabin
with a view for our honeymoon, and all we get to see out
the
window is a parking lot!" (I guess they just couldn't
wait :)
4. There was some mix-up with a woman's room. The clerk (orwhatever they are called on ships) was trying to remedy thesituation. He asked, "Would you like an inside cabin
or an
outside cabin?" She replied, "Well, it looks like
it might
rain today. I'd better get an inside cabin."5. Two women were sitting by the pool, and one asked whatkind of water they fill the pool with -- fresh water or seawater? The cruise director answered, "Sea water."
"Oh, that
explains why it's so rough today."
6. Someone -- always a man -- always asks, "does the
ship run
on generators?" The Cruise Director usually tells them,
"No,
we just have a very long power line running to the mainland."7. "What do you do with the ice sculptures after they
melt?"
-=-=-=-=-=-=---=-=--=-=-=
WANT TO GO BACK TO THE TIME WHEN...........
Decisions were made by going "eeny-meeny-miney-mo."
Mistakes were corrected by simply exclaiming, "do over!"
"Race issue" meant arguing about who ran the fastest.
Money issues were handled by whoever was the banker in "Monopoly."
Catching the fireflies could happily occupy an entire evening.
It wasn't odd to have two or three "best" friends.
Being old, referred to anyone over 20.
The net on a tennis court was the perfect height to play
volleyball and rules
didn't matter.
The worst thing you could catch from the opposite sex
was cooties It was
magic when dad would "remove" his thumb.
*********
It was unbelievable that dodgeball wasn't an Olympic event.
Having a weapon in school, meant being caught with a slingshot.
Nobody was prettier than Mom.
Scrapes and bruises were kissed and made better.
It was a big deal to finally be tall enough to ride the
"big people" rides at
the amusement park.
Getting a foot of snow was a dream come true.
Abilities were discovered because of a "double-dog-dare."
Saturday morning cartoons weren't 30-minute ads for action
figures.
No shopping trip was complete, unless a new toy was brought home.
"Oly-oly-oxen-free" made perfect sense.
Spinning around, getting dizzy and falling down was cause for giggles.
The worst embarrassment was being picked last for a team.
War was a card game.
Water balloons were the ultimate weapon.
Baseball cards in the spokes transformed any bike into a motorcycle.
Taking drugs meant orange-flavored chewable aspirin.
Ice cream was considered a basic food group.
Older siblings were the worst tormentors, but also the
fiercest protectors If
you can remember most or all of these, then you have LIVED!!!!
-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=
-=-=-=-=-=-=
A new man is brought into Prison Cell 102. Already there
is a long-time
resident who looks 100 years old. The new man looks at the
old-timer
inquiringly. The old-timer says,
"Look at me. I'm old and worn out. You'd never believe
that I used to live
the life of Riley. I wintered on the Riviera, had a boat,
four fine cars,
the most beautiful women and I ate in all the best restaurants
of France."
The new man asked,
"What happened?"
"One day Riley reported his credit cards missing!"
-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=
-=-
For weeks a six-year old lad kept telling his first-grade
teacher about
the baby brother or sister that was expected at his house.
One day the mother allowed the boy to feel the movements
of the unborn
child. The six-year old was obviously impressed, but
made no comment.
Furthermore, he stopped telling his teacher about the impending
event.
The teacher finally sat the boy on her lap and said,
"Tommy, whatever has become of that baby brother
or sister you were
expecting at home?"
Tommy burst into tears and confessed,
"I think Mommy ate it!"
-=-=--=-=-=-=-=-=-=------=-
more ponderisms
If you throw a cat out of the car window, does it become
kitty litter?
(how mean is that?)
What do people in China call their good plates?
What do you call a male ladybug?
What hair color do they put on the driver's license of a bald man?
Why didn't Noah swat those two mosquitoes?
Why are there flotation devices in the seats of planes
instead of
parachutes?
--
Have a magic day and pass it on.
Magic Mike http://funandmagic.com/
.- - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - -
----------------
Get the cleanest, cheapest water for 6 cents a gallon.http://ld.net/?phon4less Get 3 cents/minute calls. Also, cheapest phone cards.
http://funandmagic.com/paid2surf.html Be PAID to surf. Make money on others, too.
http://www.twoscoops.com/giving.html Feed hungry, fight cancer, save forests.
http://greencar.policy.net/ Do your part to help get cleaner and greener cars.
Subject:
Pleiades, Planets, Hot Plasma, AND Planet Proctor
Date:
Wed, 24 May 2000 10:14:21 -0700
From:
"Magic Mike B" <mmb
Organization:
To:
"you" <mmb
Hi,
Today see a photo from the SOHO observatory
that circles the Sun. It shows a large Mass
Coronal Injection and the five visible planets, courtesy
of the May 15th alignment, which
didn't cause the world to end. Or did it? http://funandmagic.com/photolinks2.htm
.
Phil Proctor's Planet Orbits does indeed orbit
the bottom of this. Happy Anniversary
Phil and Melinda. Phil IS The Man With All The Luck.Have a magic day and pass it on.
Magic Mike
http://funandmagic.com/
My aunt's neighbor in New York had a beautiful black cat,
Felix, who spent his days
outside and came indoors at night. One cool October
evening, he disappeared. The
neighbor searched for him in vain. The following spring,
however, Felix reappeared,
looking healthy and clean. She figured he'd been sowing
his wild oats. Everything was
back to normal until that autumn, when Felix disappeared
again.
The next spring, he returned. Perplexed, my aunt's
friend began asking neighbors for
clues. Finally, she rang the bell of an older couple.
"A black cat?" the woman said.
"Oh, yes. My husband and I hated to see him out
in the cold, so we bought a cat carrier.
We take him to Florida every winter."
=-=
-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=---=-=
-=-=
A moron takes his dog for a walk. After awhile he
gets thirsty so he
ties his dog to a parking meter in front of a bar and goes
in for a
couple of beers. After he has been there for an hour or so
the local
policeman enters the bar. "Whose dog is tied up
out front?" The moron
responds, "That's my dog. Is there a problem officer?"
"Well she's in
heat," says the cop." "Oh, she'll be
all right. It's shady out there."
"That's not what I mean. Your dog needs bred."
"I gave her a half of a
loaf this morning. She's fine." At
this point the policeman is becoming
a little upset. "Listen fellow. You don't seem
to understand what I am
talking about. That dog needs to be screwed.
"Go right ahead officer,
I've always wanted a police dog."
-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=
-=-=-=-=-=-
A film crew was on location deep in the desert. One day
an old
Indian went up to the director and said, "Tomorrow rain."
The next day it rained.
A week later, the Indian went up to the director and said,"Tomorrow storm."
The next day there was a hailstorm.
"This Indian is incredible," said the director.
He told his
secretary to hire the Indian to predict the weather.
However, after several successful predictions, the old
Indian
didn't show up for two weeks. Finally the director sent for
him.
"I have to shoot a big scene tomorrow," said
the director, "and
I'm depending on you. What will the weather be like?"
The Indian shrugged his shoulders. "Don't know,"
he said.
"Radio is broken."
-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=
-=-=-=-
Subject:
PP 2000/12
Date:
Wed, 24 May 2000 02:33:06 -0400
From:
"phil proctor" <PProctor@compuserve.com
To:
"3" <pproctor@compuserve.com
((((((((((((((((((PLANET PROCTOR 2000/12 - http://www.planetproctor.com "We make the shit you write
work!" - Short-lived chant on SAG/AFTRA
Chiat/Day picket line
HELL NO WE WON'T V.O.! Although about
1,500 agencies have signed the interim agreement,
top voicecasters Kalmenson & Kalmenson in LA are putting
out this word
about non-union talent. For every fifty calls they make,
fifty percent of
the talent doesn't show, most come at the wrong time, and
half the talent
that DOES show is horrible, leaving only a handful of halfway
decent actors
to read the copy. Then, when the clients invariably complain,
the
Kalmensons tell them:
"That's
why union talent is union - they're pros."
"Progress is more plausibly judged by
the reduction of deprivation than
by the further enrichment of the opulent" - Economic
Scientist Amartya Sen
in Time magazine, 5/22/00
LOTTERY WON BY ASSHOLE
"I will use
the money for vengeance against my enemies," declared
Yuri Pulsive, the winner of $250 million, the biggest lottery
in the United
States.
Vowing that he
would not allow his winnings to change his life, he
is not quitting his job as a parking meter cop, and intends
on using his
winning to hire more cops to write even more tickets. "I'm not
even going to move from my apartment complex," he
announced, declaring that his only splurge would be to buy
the world's
largest stereo system to play his scratchy collection of
Barbara Streisand
records over and over. Mr. Pulsive has announced that
he has set aside
about $2 million just for lifetime subscriptions to "Autopsy
Today" and
dozens of other useless magazines to be sent to everyone
who made fun of
him in elementary school.
"I'll be
hiring private detectives to dig up dirt on everyone who
ever insulted me or pissed me off," he said. "I'm
going to make their lives
miserable." (By writer Michael Dare)
"Generation Color: the 3-minute change!
Ask Your Hair Designer!"
- Beverly Hills billboard
BALL AND CHAIN
LETTER
This letter was
started in hopes of bringing relief to other tired
and discouraged men. Unlike most chain letters, this one
does not cost
anything. Just send a copy of this letter to five of your
friends who are
equally tired and discontented. Then bundle up your wife
or girlfriend and
send her to the man whose name appears at the top of this
list, and add
your name to the bottom.
When your turn
comes, you will receive 16,255 women. One of them is
bound to be better than the one you already have.At the time
of writing
this, a friend of mine had already received 184 women, 4
of whom were worth
keeping. Remember - this chain brings luck. One man's cat
died, and the
next day he received a Dallas Cowboy cheerleader. You can be lucky
too, so DO NOT BREAK THIS CHAIN!
One man broke
the chain and got his own wife back.
"The main reason Santa is so jolly is
because he knows where all the bad
girls live." - From director Alan Meyerson
AND A ONE... These are real instructions to orchestras from conductors
at rehearsals:
"There is
a lot of fishing for notes. I wish you would catch them.
Please don't use the depth-charge pizzicato. Let's see if
you can pizzicato
together in a non-banjo way. Play short, especially
if you don't know
where you are.
Horns, imagine
that you've had a really ugly breakfast and it's
about to come up. Strings, I know what you're thinking:
'With all this
racket going on, why am I playing?' Well, there's no time
for existential
questions right now. Listen to the tune, and then accompany
it in a
non-disgraceful fashion.
That was a drive-by
viola solo. The place where you will be shot if
you come in early is the bar before 26. You know, there's
a fine line
between artistry and garbage. Not that what you're doing
is garbage, but
it's close to it. It sounds like 'Orpheus in His Underwear'.
This must be
much more agitated. Think of someone you hate. Think of your
mother.
Imagine you're getting enough money for what you do. Now forget all
the nasty things I said and play naturally. You're
all wondering what speed it's going to go. Well, so am I.
Play as if you
were musicians. Play faster. It's getting late.
(Adopted from
material submitted by Bob Joles)
"My understanding of truth can change from
day to day. And my commitment
must be to truth rather than to consistency." - Post
stroke Ram Dass in
"I'm Still Here."
EN-LIGHT-ENMENT Q: How many women
with PMS does it take to screw in a light bulb?
A: One. ONE!!
And do you know WHY it only takes ONE? Because no one
else in this house knows HOW to change a light bulb. They
don't even know
the bulb is BURNED OUT. They would sit in this house in the
dark for THREE
DAYS before they figured it OUT. And once they figured it
out they wouldn't
be able to find the light bulbs despite the fact that they've
been in the
SAME CUPBOARD for the past SEVENTEEN YEARS. But if they did,
by some
miracle, actually find the light bulbs, TWO DAYS LATER the
chair that they
dragged from two rooms over to stand on to change the STUPID
light bulb
would STILL BE IN THE SAME SPOT!! AND UNDERNEATH IT WOULD
BE THE CRUMPLED
WRAPPER THE STUPID @*!#$% LIGHT BULBS CAME IN! WHY?! BECAUSE
NO ONE IN THIS
HOUSE EVER CARRIES OUT THE GARBAGE!! IT'S A WONDER WE HAVEN'T
ALL
SUFFOCATED FROM THE PILES OF GARBAGE THAT ARE 12 FEET
DEEP THROUGHOUT THE
ENTIRE HOUSE. THE HOUSE!! IT WOULD TAKE AN ARMY
TO CLEAN THIS . . . I'm
sorry . . . what did you ask me?
"It's a Zen thing. Like how many babies fit
in a tire." - Christopher
Guest in "Waiting For Guffman"
USELESS INFORMATION The cigarette
lighter was invented before the match. Intelligent
people have more copper and zinc in their hair. Pound for
pound, hamburgers
cost more than new cars. The San Francisco Cable cars are
the only "mobile"
National Monuments. Ninety percent of New York City cabbies
are recently
arrived immigrants. Average life span of a major league baseball:
7
pitches.
Each king in a
deck of playing cards represents a great ruler from
history: Spades is King David; Clubs, Alexander the Great;
Charlemagne -
Hearts; and Diamonds, Julius Caesar. Only two people signed
the Declaration
of Independence on July 4th: John Hancock and Charles Thomson.
Most of the
rest signed on August 2, but the last signature wasn't added
until 5 years
later.
The city with
the most Rolls Royce's per capita is Hong Kong. The
state with highest percentage of people who walk to work:
Alaska. Percent
of Africa that is wilderness: 28%; percent of America: 38%.
Number of
people airborne over U.S. at any given time: 61,000. Percent
of us who have
visited Disneyland or Disneyworld: 70%.
In 10 minutes,
a hurricane releases more energy than all the
world's nuclear weapons combined. The cost of raising a medium-size
dog to
the age of 11 is $6,400.111,111,111 x 111,111,111 = 12,345,678,987,654,321.
"What's all the fuss about same-sex
marriages? I've been married for
years, and I keep having the same sex." - From Patty
Paul
DRINK UP
The Italian says,
I'm tired and thirsty. I must have wine.
The Scot says,
I'm tired and thirsty. I must have scotch.
The Swede says,
I'm tired and thirsty. I must have aquavit.
The Russian says,
I'm tired and thirsty. I must have vodka.
The German says,
I'm tired and thirsty. I must have beer.
The Greek says,
I'm tired and thirsty. I must have ouzo.
The Jew says,
I'm tired and thirsty. I must have diabetes.
"What do the vacuum "Dirt
Devil" and Viagra have in common?
They both put the power of an upright in the palm of your
hand..."
NEW AGE/OLD
AGE
All reports are
in: life is officially unfair. I finally got my
head together and now my body is falling apart. It is easier
to get older
than it is to get wiser. My wild oats have turned into prunes
and All Bran.
Funny, I don't remember being absent minded.
It's hard to make
a comeback when you haven't been anywhere. I
started out with nothing, and I still have most of it.
I wish the buck
stopped here; I sure could use a few. When I'm finally holding
all the
cards, why does everybody decide to play chess? It's not
hard to meet
expenses...they're everywhere. The only time the world beats
a path to your
door is when you're in the bathroom. If all is not lost,
where is it?
Some days you're
the dog, some days you're the hydrant. If God
wanted me to touch my toes, he would have put them on my
knees. These days
I spend a lot of time thinking about the hereafter. I go
to get something,
and then wonder what I'm here, after. The only difference
in a rut and a
grave is the depth.
(Proctorized from a submission by Aleta Braxton O'Brien)
"God grant me the Senility to forget
the people I never liked anyway,
the good fortune to run into the ones that I do, and the
eyesight to tell
the difference." - Internet prayer
A PALL FOR
PAUL
Paul Bartel, 61,
droll character actor in numerous offbeat films
and the acclaimed director of such cult hits as "Eating
Raoul", his first
self-financed film, and "Death Race 2000," in which
members of the Firesign
Theatre were offered roles and foolishly (since we ARE fools)
turned them
down, died Saturday of complications following treatment
for liver cancer.
Bartel's most recent role was Osric in the modern dress film
of "Hamlet"
now on screens.
"Eating Raoul,"
released in 1982 and featuring Paul, focused on a
couple hoping to finance a restaurant through murder and
cannibalism.
What's so far out about that? Bartel also directed "Lust
in the Desert"
(1985) and "Scenes From the Class Struggle in Beverly
Hills" (1989), in
which he had story credit and acted, and in which I had the
treat of adding
voices under his direction.
Melinda and I
were often invited to Paul's Fairholm home in the
Hollywood Hills for parties, performances and musicales.
He was absolutely
unique and will be missed.
"In a car culture parking is very emotional.
Especially when there is no
parking." - L.A. Times "Smart Meters" article
by Matthew Ebnet
STAN BY YOUR
MAN
Stan Freberg's
wife, Donna Freberg Andresen also passed on after a
bout with lung cancer caused by a smoking habit that Stan
says began with
her association with the Rat Pack. Donna was Stan's partner,
editor and
producer throughout their life together and thus contributed
greatly to his
brilliant work on TV, radio and commercials. She is
survived by their two
children Donna Jean and Donovan.
Donations in her
memory can be made to the Children's Bureau of
Southern California, Orange County Division, 50 S. Anaheim
Blvd., Suite
241, Anaheim, CA 92805.
And farewell as
well to Sir John Geilgud. He was good. Really good.
"What fun is life without a little death?" - Dylan Klebold
TO PURR OR
NOT TO PURR
Hamlet's cat speaks:
To go outside, and there perchance to stay/Or
to remain within, that is the question: Whether 'tis better
for a cat to
suffer/The cuffs and buffets of inclement weather/That Nature
rains on
those who roam abroad,/Or take a nap upon a scrap of carpet,/And
so by
dozing melt the solid hours/That clog the clock's bright
gears with sullen
time/And stall the dinner bell. To sit, to stare/, and by
a stare to seem
to state/A wish to venture forth without delay,/Then when
the portal's
opened up, to stand/As if transfixed by doubt. To prowl;
to sleep;/To
choose not knowing when we may once more/Our readmittance
gain: aye,
there's the hairball;/For if a paw were shaped to turn a
knob,/Or work a
lock or slip a window-catch,/And going out and coming in
were made/As
simple as the breaking of a bowl,/What cat would bear the
household's petty
plagues,/The cook's well-practiced kicks, the butler's broom,/The
infant's
careless pokes, the tickled ears,/trampled tail, and all
the daily
shocks/That fur is heir to, when, of his own free will,/He
might his exodus
or entrance make/With a mere mitten? Who would spaniels fear,/Or
strays
trespassing from a neighbor's yard,/But that the dread of
our unheeded
cries/And scratches at a barricaded door/No claw can open
up, dispels our
nerve/And makes us rather bear our humans' faults/Than run
away to
unguessed miseries?/Thus caution doth make house cats of
us all;/And thus
the bristling hair of resolution/Is softened up with the
pale brush of
thought,/And since our choices hinge on weighty things,/We
pause upon the
threshold of decision. (Uncredited)
"We take small buckets to the infinite.
Take bigger buckets." - Ernest
Holmes, "The Science of Mind"
WATCH YOUR
PARKING METERS
Troubadour/songster
Bob Dylan, along with violinist Isaac Stern,
was awarded Scandinavia's greatest musical honor last week
by the Swedish
Academy of Music in Stockholm for his "indisputable
influence" on Twentieth
Century music over almost four decades and demonstrating
"an impressive
ability to question the most determined political forces,
to fight all
forms off prejudice and to offer unflinching support for
the less
fortunate."
"Approach love and cooking with reckless abandon." - Dalai Lama
ON A PERSONAL
NOTE
Melinda and I
are escaping the city today to celebrate our Eighth
Wedding Anniversary. We will be exchanging gifts of brass
or electrical
appliances. We will also be hosting a party after the June
2nd performance
of "The Man Who Had All the Luck" which has been
extended til June 18th and
possibly even until the 25th. Contact me if you want to participate.
I'm
the man who has all the luck. Love to all.
"Life. That's what Billville's
about. All kinds of life. Teeming
baculums, narrowed-eyed Dinglebeeks, riots of tick lilies,
instincted
hinks, engorged gumstones, hibernating under heaving
fields of numbing
hemp. And people. Don't forget the people." -
Firesign Theatre's "Boom Dot
Bust", Rhino Records
+++++++++++(5/24/2000)++++++++++
*
FIRESIGN SITE: www.firesigntheatre.com
*
FIRESIGN PRODUCT: www.lodestone-media.com
*
FUNNY TIMES: www.funnytimes.com
PLANET PROCTOR (C) 2000 by Phil Proctor
--
Have a magic day and pass it on.
Magic Mike http://funandmagic.com/
.- - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - -
----------------
Get the cleanest, cheapest water for 6 cents a gallon.http://ld.net/?phon4less Get 3 cents/minute calls. Also, cheapest phone cards.
http://funandmagic.com/paid2surf.html Be PAID to surf. Make money on others, too.
http://www.twoscoops.com/giving.html Feed hungry, fight cancer, save forests.
http://greencar.policy.net/ Do your part to help get cleaner and greener cars.
Subject:
Awesome close-up photo of light bridges on the Sun
Date:
Tue, 23 May 2000 08:34:36 -0700
From:
"Magic Mike B" <mmb
Organization:
To:
"you" <mmb
Hi,
For your desktop, see a close-up photo of light
bridges on the Sun. Each one is bigger
than the Earth's diameter. The size and mass of the Sun is
mind boggling and our Sun is a
small one. http://funandmagic.com/
Have a magic day.
Magic Mike
_ __ ___ _____ _______ Actual Label Instructions _______ _____ ___ __ _
Here are some actual label instructions on consumer products;1. On a blanket from Taiwan
-
NOT TO BE USED AS PROTECTION FROM A TORNADO.
2. On a helmet mounted mirror
used by US cyclists -
REMEMBER,OBJECTS IN THE MIRROR ARE ACTUALLY BEHIND YOU.
3. On a Taiwanese shampoo
-
USE REPEATEDLY FOR SEVERE DAMAGE.
4. On the bottle top of
a (UK) flavored milk drink -
AFTER OPENING, KEEP UPRIGHT.
5. On a New Zealand insect
spray -
THIS PRODUCT NOT TESTED ON ANIMALS.
6. In a US guide to setting
up a new computer -
TO AVOID CONDENSATION FORMING, ALLOW THE BOXES TO WARM UP
TO ROOM TEMPERATURE BEFORE
OPENING.
(Sensible, but the instruction was INSIDE the box.)
7. On a Japanese product
used to relieve painful hemorrhoids -
WHILE INSERTING LIE DOWN ON BED AND INSERT POSCOOL SLOWLY
UP TO THE PROJECTED
PORTION LIKE A SWORD-GUARD INTO ANAL DUCT.
8. In some countries, on
the bottom of Coke bottles -
OPEN OTHER END.
9. On a packet of Sunmaid
raisins -
WHY NOT TRY TOSSING OVER YOUR FAVORITE BREAKFAST CEREAL?
10. On a Sears hairdryer -DO NOT USE WHILE SLEEPING.
11. On a bag of Fritos -YOU COULD BE A WINNER! NO PURCHASE NECESSARY. DETAILS
INSIDE.
(The shoplifter special!)
12. On a bar of Dial soap -DIRECTIONS - USE LIKE REGULAR SOAP.
(And that would be how?)
13. On Tesco's Tiramisu dessert
(printed on bottom of the box) -
DO NOT TURN UPSIDE DOWN.
(Too late! You lose!)
14. On Marks & Spencer Bread
Pudding -
PRODUCT WILL BE HOT AFTER HEATING.
(Are you sure? Let's experiment.)
15. On a Korean kitchen knife
-
WARNING: KEEP OUT OF CHILDREN.
(Who are they to tell me what to do with my kids?)
16. On a string of Chinese-made
Christmas lights -
FOR INDOOR OR OUTDOOR USE ONLY.
(As opposed to use in outer space?)
17. On a Japanese food processor
-
NOT TO BE USED FOR THE OTHER USE.
(Now I'm curious.)
18. On Sainsbury's peanuts -WARNING - CONTAINS NUTS.
(Really? Peanuts contain nuts?)
19. On an American Airlines packet
of nuts -
INSTRUCTIONS - OPEN PACKET, EAT NUTS.
(I'm glad they cleared that up.)
20. On a Swedish chainsaw -DO NOT ATTEMPT TO STOP CHAIN WITH YOUR HANDS OR GENITALS.(What kind of consumer phone call led to this warning?)
=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=
---
At his request, each morning three-year-old Ray's mother
pinned a bath
towel to the back shoulders of his size two T- shirt. Immediately
in his
young imaginative mind the towel became a brilliant magic
blue and red
cape.
And he became Superman. Outfitted each day in his "cape,"
Ray's days were
packed with adventure and daring escapades. He was Superman.
This fact was clearly pointed out last fall when his mother
enrolled him
in kindergarten class. During the course of the interview,
the teacher
asked Ray his name.
"Superman," he answered politely and without pause.
The teacher smiled, cast an appreciative glance at his
mother, and asked
again, "Your real name, please."
Again, Ray answered, "Superman."
Realizing the situation demanded more authority, or maybe
to hide
amusement, the teacher closed her eyes for a moment, then
in a voice quite
stern, said, "I will have to have your real name for
the records."
Sensing he'd have to play straight with the teacher, Ray
slid his eyes
around the room, hunched closer to her, and patting a corner
of frayed
towel at his shoulder, answered in a voice hushed with conspiracy,
"Clark
Kent."
-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=
-=-=-=----
You Know You're a Mom When ......
1. Your kids make jokes about flatulence, burping,
pooping, etc. and you think it's
funny.
2. You're so desperate for adult conversation that
you spill your guts to the
telemarketer that calls and HE hangs up on YOU!
3. Spit is your number one cleaning agent.
4. You're up each night until 10 PM vacuuming, dusting,
wiping, washing, drying, loading,
unloading, shopping, cooking, driving, flushing, ironing,
sweeping, picking up, changing
sheets, changing diapers, bathing, helping with homework,
paying bills, budgeting,
clipping coupons, folding clothes, putting to bed, dragging
out of bed, brushing, chasing,
buckling, feeding (them, not you), PLUS swinging, playing
baseball, bike riding, pushing
trucks, cuddling dolls, roller balding, basketball, football,
catch, bubbles, sprinklers,
slides, nature walks, coloring, crafts, jumping rope, PLUS
raking, trimming, planting,
edging, mowing, gardening, painting, and walking the dog.
You get up at 5:30 AM and you
have no time to eat, sleep, drink or go to the bathroom,
and yet...you still managed to
gain 10 pounds.
5. In your bathroom there is toothpaste on the light
fixtures, water all over the floor,
a dog drinking out of the toilet and body hair forming a
union to protest unsafe working
conditions.
6. You buy cereal with marshmallows in it.
7. The closest you get to gourmet cooking is making
rice crispies bars.
--
Have a magic day and pass it on.
Magic Mike http://funandmagic.com/
.- - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - -
----------------
Get the cleanest, cheapest water for 6 cents a gallon.http://ld.net/?phon4less Get 3 cents/minute calls. Also, cheapest phone cards.
http://funandmagic.com/paid2surf.html Be PAID to surf. Make money on others, too.
http://www.twoscoops.com/giving.html Feed hungry, fight cancer, save forests.
http://greencar.policy.net/ Do your part to help get cleaner and greener cars.
Subject:
moss green trees, blue silk water
Date:
Mon, 22 May 2000 08:15:00 -0700
From:
"Magic Mike B" <mmb
Organization:
To:
"you" <mmb
Hi,
Here is a nice serene photo of Birch trees with
moss, near a stream in Oregon for your
desktop wallpaper today. http://funandmagic.com/photolinks2.htm
.
Do you know a blind person who wants to use
the Internet? Here is a great link, The
Texas School for the Blind and visually impaired. http://www.tsbvi.edu/index.htm
. Here is
a list of technology manufactures that supply equipment.http://www.tsbvi.edu/technology/manufacture.htm
Have a magic day and pass it on.
Magic Mike http://funandmagic.com/
You Know You're a Mom When ......
1. Your feet stick to the kitchen floor.....and you don't care.
2. When the kids are fighting, you threaten to lock
them in a room together and not let
them out until someone's bleeding.
3. You can't find your cordless phone, so you ask
a friend to call you, and you run
around the house madly, following the sound until you locate
the phone downstairs in the
laundry basket.
4. You spend an entire week wearing sweats.
5. Your idea of a good day is making it through
without a child leaking bodily fluids on
you.
6. Popsicles become a food staple.
7. Your favorite television show is a cartoon.
8. Peanut butter and jelly is eaten at least in one meal a day.
9. You're willing to kiss your child's boo-boo, regardless of where it is.
10. Your baby's pacifier falls on the floor and
you give it back to her, after you suck
the dirt off of it because your too busy to wash it off.
-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=
-=-=-=-=-=
At one job I had, the boss man got the idea that the ITdepartment should be living up to the slogan, "Giving
every
user what they need."
I politely requested, "How do we get them to turn
around so
we can kick them in the ass?" It went over quite well,
the room
fell out laughing. I don't work there any more.
-=--=--=-=-=--=-=--=-=---
Some of the most tactful people on Earth are English.
One office supervisor called a secretary in to give her
the bad
news that she was being fired.
He started the conversation with: "Miss Symthe, I
really don't
know how we're going to get along without you, but startingMonday, we're going to try."
-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=
-=-=-=-
Q: How many Internet mailing list subscribers does it
take
to change a light bulb?
A: 1,331:
1 to change the light bulb and to post to the mailing
list that the light
bulb has been changed.
14 to share similar
experiences of changing light bulbs and how the
light bulb could have been changed differently.
7 to caution about
the dangers of changing light bulbs.
27 to point out
spelling/grammar errors in posts about changing light
bulbs.
53 to flame the
spell checkers.
156 to write to
the list administrator complaining about the light
bulb discussion and its inappropriateness to this mail list. 41 to correct
spelling in the spelling/grammar flames.
109 to post that
this list is not about light bulbs
and to please take this e-mail exchange to alt.lite.bulb. 203 to demand
that cross posting to alt.grammar,
alt.spelling and alt.punctuation about changing light bulbsbe stopped.
111 to defend
the posting to this list saying that
we are all use light bulbs and therefore the posts **are**relevant to this mail list.
306 to debate
which method of changing light bulbs
is superior, where to buy the best light bulbs, what brandof light bulbs work best for this technique, and what brandsare faulty.
27 to post URLs
where one can see examples of
different light bulbs.
14 to post that
the URLs were posted incorrectly,
and to post corrected URLs.
3 to post about
links they found from the URLs that
are relevant to this list which makes light bulbs relevantto this list.
33 to quote all
posts to date, including all headers and footers, and
then add "Me Too."
12 to post to
the list that they are unsubscribing
because they cannot handle the light bulb controversy. 19 to quote the
"Me Too's" to say, "Me Three."
4 to suggest that
posters request the light bulb FAQ.
1 to propose new
alt.change.lite.bulb newsgroup.
47 to say this
is just what alt.physic.cold_fusion was meant for,
leave it here.
143 votes for
alt.lite.bulb.
-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=
-=--=-
The president went to visit a nursing home.
He walked up to a lady in a wheel chair and said,
"Mam, do
you know who I am?"
She answered, pointing, "No sir I don't know
who you are but
if you go up to that desk they can tell you."
-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=
-=-====
The new inmate at the mental hospital announced in a loudvoice that he was the famous British naval hero, Lord Nelson.
This was particularly interesting, because the institutionalready had a "Lord Nelson."
The head psychiatrist, after due consideration, decided
to put
the two men in the same room, feeling that the similarity
of
their delusions might prompt an adjustment in each that wouldhelp in curing them. It was a calculated risk, of course,
for the
two men might react violently to one another, but they wereintroduced and then left alone and no disturbance was heardfrom the room that night.
The next morning, the doctor had a talk with his new patientand was more than pleasantly surprised when he was told"Doctor, I've been suffering from a delusion. I know
now that I
am not Lord Nelson."
"That's wonderful," said the doctor.
"Yes," said the patient, smiling demurely, "I'm Lady Nelson."
----=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=
-=-=-=
A Fundamentalist Minister in Alabama, sorely tempted,
finally
propositioned the Choir director one night after practice,
when
they were alone in the Church.
"Where Reverend?" she enthusiastically replied.
"Right here on the floor." he panted.
"It'd be too cold." she whispered. "How about standing up?"
"Good Lord girl. Have you taken leave of you
senses?" he
shouted. "If anyone came in, they'd think we were
dancing."
-=-=-=-==-=-=--=-=-=-=-=--=
Two very elderly ladies were enjoying the sunshine on
a park bench in
Miami. They had been meeting that park every sunny day, for
over 12
years, chatting and enjoying each others' friendship.
One day, the younger of the two ladies, turns to the other
and says,
"Please don't be angry with me dear, but I am embarrassed.
After all
these years, what is your name? I am trying to remember,
but I just
can't."
The older friend stares at her, looking very distressed,
says nothing
for 2 full minutes, and finally with tearful eyes, says,
"How soon do
you have to know?"
--
Have a magic day and pass it on.
Magic Mike http://funandmagic.com/
.- - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - -
----------------
Get the cleanest, cheapest water for 6 cents a gallon.http://ld.net/?phon4less Get 3 cents/minute calls. Also, cheapest phone cards.
http://funandmagic.com/paid2surf.html Be PAID to surf. Make money on others, too.
http://www.twoscoops.com/giving.html Feed hungry, fight cancer, save forests.
http://greencar.policy.net/ Do your part to help get cleaner and greener cars.
Subject:
Alaskan Aurora
Date:
Fri, 19 May 2000 11:20:39 -0700
From:
"Magic Mike B" <mmb
Organization:
To:
"you" <mmb
Hi,
See an Alaskan Aurora from April 6th. There
was a planetary alignment and a large solar
storm. Many people witnessed larger than usual Auroras. See
a photo taken in Alaska by
stopping by my Cool Wallpaper OF The Day page, http://funandmagic.com/photolinks2.htm
.
Are you interested in making $$$$ fast?
Here's an incredibly simple way to do it, and there is
nothing
to buy, no investment to make, no money to lose! Try it now!
Follow this simple procedure:
1) Hold down the shift key.
2) Hit the 4 key four times fast.
-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=
-=-=-=-=-=-
I was explaining to my daughter the changes in my political
views
over the years.
When I was in college, I told her, I owned nothing and
liked the idea
of sharing the wealth, so I was a socialist.
After I got married and bought a car, I became a Democrat.
Then I got a good job and bought a house, so I became
a
Republican.
As I got older, I invested my savings and made a fair
amount of
money and became a conservative.
And now that I help my family and give money to charities,
I
concluded, I'm not sure what to call myself.
My daughter rolled her eyes and said, "How about 'Your Majesty'?"
-=--=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=
-=-=-=-
"Who's calling?" was the answer to the telephone.
"Watt."
"What is your name, please?"
"Watt's my name."
"That's what I asked you. What's your name?"
"That's what I told you. Watt's my name."
A long pause, and then from Watt, "Is this James Brown?"
"No, this is Knott."
"Plese tell me your name."
"Will Knott."
Whereupon they both hung up.
-=--=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=
-
A man said to his wife, "what would you most like for your birthday"
She replied, "I'd love to be Ten again".
On the morning of her birthday, he gets her up bright
and early and
off they go to a theme Park.
Every ride in the Park, he puts her on it. The Death Slide,
The
Screaming loop, The Wall of Fear, everything there is she
has a
ride.
She staggers out of the theme park five hours later, her
head is
reeling and her stomach upside down.
Into Macdonalds they go, where she's given a Double Big
Mac with
extra fries. Then off to cinema to see Star Wars, more burgers,popcorn, Cola and sweets.
At last she staggers home with her husband and collapses
in to
bed.
Husband leans over and says,
"well dear what was it like being ten again? "
One eye opened and she groaned,
"actually, I meant dress size!"
-=-=--=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=--
WORDS THAT A PARENT KNOWS THE TRUE MEANINGS OF:
DUMBWAITER: one who asks if the kids would care to order dessert.
FEEDBACK: the inevitable result when the baby doesn't appreciate the strained carrots.
FULL NAME: what you call your child when you're mad at him.
GRANDPARENTS: the people who think your children are wonderful
even though they're sure
you're not raising them right.
HEARSAY: what toddlers do when anyone mutters a dirty word.
INDEPENDENT: how we want our children to be as long as they do everything we say.
OW: the first word spoken by children with older siblings
PUDDLE: a small body of water that draws other small bodies wearing dry shoes into it.
SHOW OFF: a child who is more talented than yours.
STERILIZE: what you do to your first baby's pacifier by
boiling it, and to your last
baby's pacifier by blowing on it and wiping it with saliva.
TOP BUNK: where you should never put a child wearing Superman jammies.
TWO-MINUTE WARNING: when the baby's face turns red and
she begins to make those familiar
grunting noises.
VERBAL: able to whine in words
WHODUNIT: none of the kids that live in your house.
-=-=-=-=-=---=-=-=-=--=-=-=-=-
Employed by the human-development center of a corporationin the Midwest, my friend trains employees in proper dresscodes and etiquette.
One day as she was stepping onto the elevator, a mancasually dressed in jeans and a golf shirt got on with her.
Thinking of her responsibilities, she scolded, "Dressed
a little
casually today, aren't we?"
The man replied, "That's one benefit of owning the company."
-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=
-=-=-==
The new family in the neighborhood overslept and the six
year
old daughter missed her school bus. The father, though
late
for work, agreed to drive her if she'd direct him to the
school.
They rode several blocks before she told him to turn the
first
time, several more before she indicated another turn.
This
went on for 20 minutes -- yet when they finally reached theschool, it proved to be only a short distance from their
home.
Asked why she'd led the father over such a circuitous
route,
the child explained,
"That's the way the school bus goes, and it's the only way I know."
=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=
--=
A newly-married couple came home from their honeymoon
and
moved into the upstairs apartment they'd rented from thegroom's parents.
That night, the father of the groom was awakened from
his
sleep by his wife. "Tony, listen!" she whispered.
He listened. Upstairs, the bed was creaking in rhythm.
The wife said, "Come on, Tony! Let's make love!"
So Tony
climbed on top of his wife, and pounded the old bone home.
As he was trying to fall back asleep 15 minutes later,
the bed
upstairs started creaking in rhythm again. "Come
on, Tony!"
said the wife. "Let's make love again!"
Once again, Tony climbed on top of his wife and screwed
her
as hard as he could.
As he was trying to fall back asleep 15 minutes later,
the
bed upstairs started creaking in rhythm again. "Come
on,
Tony!" said the wife. "Let's do it again!"
So Tony grabbed a broom and pounded on the ceiling as
he
shouted, "Hey, kids, cut it out! You're killing
your old man
down here!"
-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=
-=-=-=
A guy took a girl out on her first date. When they pulled
off into
a secluded area around midnight, the girl said, "My
mother told
me to say no to everything."
"Well," he said, "do you mind if I put my arm around you?"
"Uhhh . . . no," the girl replied.
"Do you mind if I put my other hand on your leg?"
"N-n-no," the girl stammered.
"You know," Barry said, "We're going to
have a lot of fun if
you're on the level about this."
-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=
-=-=-=-=-=-=-=
-
A hunter visited another hunter and was given a tour of
his
home. In the den was a stuffed lion. The visiting
hunter asked,
"when did you bag him?"
The host said, "that was three years ago, when I
went hunting
with my wife."
"What's he stuffed with," asked the visiting hunter.
"My wife"
-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=--=-=-
For centuries, the English have had a love affair with
all types
of hunting. Early one morning, a fellow was blasting
away
at a clump of brush on a grouse hunt.
Suddenly an outraged gentleman appeared and said "See
here
old man, you almost shot my wife with that volley."
The hunter, properly shamed replied, "So sorry old
chap. Here,
have a go at mine, over there."
-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=
-=---=-
A man walked into a bar, sat down, and ordered a beer.
As he sipped
the beer, he heard a soothing voice say, "Nice tie."Looking around, he noticed that the bar was empty except
for himself
and the bartender at the end of the bar. A few sips later,
the voice
said, "Beautiful shirt."
At this, the man called the bartender over. "Hey, I
must be losing my
mind," he told the bartender. "I keep hearing these
voices saying
nice things, and there's not a soul in here but us.""It's the peanuts," answered the bartender."Say what?" replied the man in disbelief."You heard me," said the barkeep. "It's the
peanuts...they're
complimentary."
-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=
Despite his best sales pitch, a life-insurance salesmanwas unable to get a couple to sign up for a policy.
"I
certainly don't want to frighten you into a decision,"he announced, standing up to leave. "Please sleep on
it
tonight, and if you wake up in the morning, let me knowwhat you think."
-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=
-
Three statisticians go deer hunting with bows and arrows.They spot a big buck and take aim. One shoots, and
his
arrow flies off ten feet to the left. The second shoots,and his arrow goes ten feet to the right. The thirdstatistician jumps up and down yelling, "We got
him!
We got him!"
-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=
-=-=-=-
A CLASSIC FABLE UPDATED
TRADITIONAL VERSION:
The ant works hard in the withering heat all summer long,
building his house
and laying up supplies for the winter. The grasshopper thinks
theant is a
fool and laughs, dances, and plays the summer away. Come
winter, the ant is
warm and well fed. The grasshopper has no food or shelter,
so he dies out in
the cold.
MODERN VERSION:
The ant works hard in the withering heat all summer long,
building his house
and laying up supplies for the winter. The grasshopper thinks
the ant is a
fool and laughs and dances and plays the summer away. Come
winter, the
shivering grasshopper calls a press conference and demands
to know why the
ant should be allowed to be warm and well fed while others
are cold and
starving. CBS, NBC, and ABC show up to provide pictures of
the shivering
grasshopper next to video of the ant in his comfortable home,
with a table
filled with food. America is stunned by the sharp contrast.
How can it be
that, in a country of such wealth, this poor grasshopper
is allowed to suffer
so?
Then a representative of the NAOB (National Association
of Orthopte-rous
Bugs) shows up on Nightline and charges the ant with "grasshopper
bias,"
making the case that the grasshopper is the victim of 30
million years of
grasshopperism.
Kermit the Frog appears on Oprah with the grasshopper,
and everybody cries
when he sings, "It's Not Easy Being Green." The
Gores make a special guest
appearance on the CBS Evening News to tell a concerned Dan
Rather that they
will do everything they can for the grasshopper, who has
been denied the
prosperity he deserves by those who benefited unfairly during
the Reagan
summers, or, as Bill refers to it, the "Temperatures
of the 80s."
Ted Kennedy explains in an interview with Peter Jennings
that the ant has
gotten rich off the back of the grasshopper and calls for
an immediate tax
hike on the ant to make him pay his "fair share.'' Finally,
the EEOC drafts
the "Economic Equity and Anti-Grass-hopperism Act,"
retroactive to the
beginning of the summer. The ant is fined for failing to
hire a proportionate
number of grasshoppers and, having othing left to pay his
retroactive taxes,
his home is confiscated by the government.
Mrs. Gore gets her family's old law firm to represent
the grasshopper in a
defamation suit against the ant, and the case is tried before
a panel of
federal judges that Bubba appointed from a list of liberals
who can only hear
cases on Thursdays between 1:30 and 3:00 pm, when there are
no talk shows
scheduled.
The ant loses the case. The story ends as we see the grasshopper
finishing up
the last bits of the ant's food while the government house
he's in, which
just happens to be the ant's old house, crumbles around him
since he doesn't
maintain it.
The ant has disappeared in the snow. On the TV, which
the grasshopper bought
by selling most of the ant's food, they are showing Gore
standing before a
wildly applauding group of Democrats announcing that a new
era of "fairness"
has dawned in America.
old one but worth a re-write
If Noah lived in the United States today: The Lord spoke
to him and said, In
one year, I am going to make it rain and cover the whole
earth with water
until all flesh is destroyed. But I want you to save the
righteous people and
two of every kind of living thing on the earth. Therefore,
I am commanding
you to build an Ark.
In a flash of lightening, God delivered the specifications
for an Ark. In
fear and trembling, Noah took the plans and agreed to build
the Ark.
Remember, said the Lord, you must complete the Ark and
bring everything
aboard in one year.
Exactly one year later, fierce storm clouds covered the
earth, and all the
seas of the earth went into a tumult. The Lord saw that Noah
was sitting in
his front yard weeping. Noah, He shouted, where is the
Ark? Lord, please
forgive me, cried Noah. I did my best, but there were big
problems. First,
I had to get a permit for construction, and your plans did
not meet the
codes. I had to hire an engineering firm and redraw the specification.
Then I
got into a fight with OSHA over whether or not the Ark needed
a fire
sprinkler system and flotation devices.
Then my neighbor objected, claiming I was violating zoning
ordinances by
building the Ark in my front yard. So I had to get a variance
from the city
planning commission. Then I had problems getting enough wood
for the Ark,
because there was a ban on cutting trees to protect the Spotted
Owl.
I finally convinced the U.S. Forest Service that I needed
the wood to save
the owls. However, the Fish and Wildlife Service wont let
me catch
any owls. So no owls.
The carpenters formed a union and went on strike. I had
to negotiate a
settlement with the National Labor Relations Board before
anyone would
pick up a saw or a hammer. Now I have sixteen carpenters
on the Ark, but
still no owls.
When I started rounding up the other animals, I got sued
by an animal rights
group. They objected to me taking two of each kind aboard.
Just when I got
the suit dismissed, the EPA notified me that I could not
complete the Ark
without filing an environmental impact statement on your
proposed flood. They
didnt take very kindly to the idea that they had no jurisdiction
over the
conduct of the Creator of the Universe. Then the Army Engineers
demanded a
map of the proposed new flood plan.
I sent them a globe. Right now, I am trying to resolve
a complaint filed with
the Equal Employment Opportunity Commission that I am practicingdiscrimination by not taking godless, unbelieving people
aboard the Ark.
The IRS has seized my assets, claiming that I am building
the Ark in
preparation to flee the country to avoid paying taxes. I
also just got a
notice from the state that I owe them some kind of user tax
and failed to
register the Ark as a recreational water craft.
Finally, the ACLU got the courts to issue an injunction
against further
construction of the Ark, saying that since God is flooding
the earth, it is a
religious event and therefore unconstitutional.
I really dont think I can finish the Ark for another
five or six years,
Noah wailed. The sky began to clear, the sun began to shine,
and the seas
began to calm. A rainbow arched across the sky. Noah looked
up hopefully.
You mean You are not going to destroy the earth, Lord?
No, said the Lord sadly. I dont have to. The government
already has.
--
Have a magic day and pass it on.
Magic Mike http://funandmagic.com/
.- - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - -
----------------
Get the cleanest, cheapest water for 6 cents a gallon.http://ld.net/?phon4less Get 3 cents/minute calls. Also, cheapest phone cards.
http://funandmagic.com/paid2surf.html Be PAID to surf. Make money on others, too.
http://www.twoscoops.com/giving.html Feed hungry, fight cancer, save forests.
http://greencar.policy.net/ Do your part to help get cleaner and greener cars.
Subject:
Halo around the Moon from Spain
Date:
Thu, 18 May 2000 11:50:08 -0700
From:
"Magic Mike B" <mmb
Organization:
To:
"you" <mmb
Hi,
My suggestion for today's desktop wallpaper
is a photo of a halo around the Moon,
from ice crystals in the atomosphere. The photo uses a panorama
lens, taken in
San Sabastian, Spain Stop by http://funandmagic.com/photolinks2.htm
and see a recommendation
every day. If you see a site to recommend we all visit, with
either space photos,
landscapes, animals, or art, send me the link. mmb
---
MONEY
It can buy a House
But not a Home
It can buy a Bed
But not Sleep
It can buy a Clock
But not Time
It can buy a Book
But not Knowledge
It can buy a Position
But not Respect
It can buy Medicine
But not Health
It can buy Blood
But not Life
It can buy Sex
But not Love
So you see money isn't everything.
I tell you all this because I am your Friend, and as your Friend I want to take away your pain and suffering...
So send me all your money and I will suffer for you.
---
At a local coffee bar, a young woman was expoundingon her idea of the perfect mate to some of her friends."The man I marry must be a shining light amongst company.He must be musical. Tell jokes. Sing. And
stay home at
night!"
A cynical male listener overheard and spoke up, "Lady,what you really want is a television set!"
----
Worried that his son was spending too much moneyon dates, a father asked the boy how much his lastdate had cost.
The son calculated a minute then replied, "Oh, about$15 or so I think."
"Well," said the father, "I'm proud of
you for finally
coming up with an inexpensive evening."
"To be honest, Dad," the son went on, "we'd
have
done more, but that was all the money she had."
---
When I went to get my driver's license renewed, ourlocal motor-vehicle bureau was packed. The lineinched along for almost an hour until the man aheadof me finally got his license.
He inspected his photo for a moment and commentedto the clerk, "I was standing in line so long, I ended
up
looking pretty grouchy in this picture."
The woman beside him peered over his shoulder, thenreassured him, "It's okay. That's how you're going
to look
when the cops pull you over anyway."
---
Paddy was in New York. He was patiently waiting
and
watching the traffic cop on a busy street crossing.The cop stopped the flow of traffic and shouted, "Okaypedestrians." Then he'd allow the traffic to pass.
He'd done this several times, and Paddy still stood onthe sidewalk. After the cop had shouted "Pedestrians"for the tenth time, Paddy went over to him and said,"Is it not about time ye let the Catholics across?"
-----
It may be that your sole purpose in life is simply toserve as a warning to others.
The average woman would rather have beauty than brains,because the average man can see better than he can think.
Paranoids are people, too; they have their own problems.
It's easy to criticize, but if everybody hated you, you'dbe paranoid, too.
A diplomat is someone who can tell you to go to hell andmake you feel happy to be on your way.
Clothes make the man. Naked people have little or
no
influence on society.
--
Have a magic day and pass it on.
Magic Mike http://funandmagic.com/
.- - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - -
----------------
Get the cleanest, cheapest water for 6 cents a gallon.http://ld.net/?phon4less Get 3 cents/minute calls. Also, cheapest phone cards.
http://funandmagic.com/paid2surf.html Be PAID to surf. Make money on others, too.
http://www.twoscoops.com/giving.html Feed hungry, fight cancer, save forests.
http://greencar.policy.net/ Do your part to hel
Subject:
Coastal photo from Vermont Senator Leahy
Date:
Wed, 17 May 2000 09:07:03 -0700
From:
"Magic Mike B" <mmb
Organization:
To:
"you" <mmb
Hi,
While trying to find someone I knew at WDFM
at Penn State, from 1969, Cliff Leahy, I
stumbled upon Senator Pat Leahy's home page of photos. Cliff
told me he was Pat's nephew.
Hi Cliff! Wherever you are! The Senator has some nice rural
pictures I will show you over
the next few days. Leahy is the only Democrat ever elected
to the Senate by Vermont.
Here's a pic of coastal Vermont http://funandmagic.com/photolinks2.htm
.
I have been telling you about clean cheap water
from my Multi-Pure water filters. We
received the message below from this happy camper via email.Below is an excerpt from her comments after using the unit:
"Since I saw you, the unit "paid for itself"
just by the fact that my 13
year old cat is now drinking twice the water she was previously!
This
had been a problem in the past, leaving me with a grumpy,
constipated
cat. As far as I am concerned, the unit will now save
me at least it's
cost in vet bills."
What to say of human doctor bills? Don't know the price
of a new kidney but.....
You can order direct from Multi-Pure at 1 800 622-9206 and
give them my id# 228882.
Have a magic day and pass it on.
Magic Mike
http://funandmagic.com/
The stockbroker's secretary answered his phone onemorning. "I'm sorry," she said, "Mr.
Bradford's on
another line."
"This is Mr. Ingram's office," the caller said.
"We'd
like to know if he's bullish or bearish right now."
"He's talking to his wife," the secretary replied."Right now I'd say he's sheepish."
=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=
-=-=-=-=
A guy meets up with his blonde girlfriend as she's picking
up her car from
the mechanic.
The guy asks, "Everything ok with your car now?"
"Yes, thank goodness," the blonde girl replies.
"Weren't you worried the mechanic might try to rip you off?"
"Yeah, but he didn't. I was SO relieved when
he told me all I
needed was blinker fluid."
-=-=-=-=--=-=-=-=---=-=-=--=-=-=-=-=-=-
Little Johnny, becoming very good at art class,drew a fly on the class grade book. Miss Baker
saw the fly sitting on the notebook and slammed it with aruler. The fly didn't fly away. So she slammed
the log once
again, again the fly didn't fly away.
This drove Miss Baker really mad, so she started to pound
the
log with the ruler and, as a result, the grade book became
a
bunch of torn sheets of paper. With the class laughing,
she
realized what had happened.
Then Miss Baker called Little Johnny's father to school.
"You
see what your son did to our class grade book?" she
said.
"That's nothing." replied the father.
"Last month, he drew a
naked woman on a fence and for two weeks straight I waspulling splinters out of my legs."
-=----=--=-=-=-=-=----=-=-=---
Jesus saw a crowd chasing down a woman to stone her andapproached them. "What's going on here, anyway?" he asked.
"This woman was found committing adultery and the
law says
we should stone her!" one of the crowd responded.
"Wait," yelled Jesus, "Let he who is without
sin cast the
first stone."
Suddenly, a stone was thrown from out of the sky, andknocked the woman on the side of her head.
"Aw, c'mon, Dad...," Jesus cried, "I'm
trying to make a point
here!"
-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=
-=-=-=-=
On a recent evening a family sat in a darkened theater
waiting
to see the latest hit movie. As the screen lit up with a
flashy ad
for the theater's concession stand, they noticed the sound
was
missing. The unexpected silence continued for severalmoments. Then out of the darkness, an irritated voice in
the
crowd demanded, "Okay, who's got the remote?"
-=--=-=-=-=-=-=-=---=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=
There were two guys on a motorcycle driving down the road.The driver was wearing a leather jacket that didn't have
a zipper
or any buttons.
Finally he stopped the bike and told the other guy,"I
can't drive
anymore with the air hitting me in my chest."
After thinking for a while he decided to put the coat
on
backwards to block the air from hitting him. So they weredriving down the road and they came around this curb andwrecked. The farmer that lived there called the police and
told
them what happened.
The police asked him,"are either of them showing
any life
signs?"
The farmer then said, "well, that first one was 'til
I turned his
head around the right way."
-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=
-=--=-=-=-=-=-=
When the Jones family moved into their new house,a visiting relative asked five-year-old Sammy howhe liked the new place.
"It's terrific," he said. "I have my own
room, Mike
has his own room, and Jamie has her own room. Butpoor mom is still in with dad."
-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=
-=-=-=-=
TOMORROW NEVER COMES
A sign outside a barber's shop said, "COMEIN TOMORROW FOR A FREE HAIRCUT".
Steve saw it and went back the next day for
his free haircut.
"Can't you read?" said the barber. "It
says
come back tomorrow!"
--
Have a magic day and pass it on.
Magic Mike http://funandmagic.com/
.- - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - -
----------------
Get the cleanest, cheapest water for 6 cents a gallon.http://ld.net/?phon4less Get 3 cents/minute calls. Also, cheapest phone cards.
http://funandmagic.com/paid2surf.html Be PAID to surf. Make money on others, too.
http://www.twoscoops.com/giving.html Feed hungry, fight cancer, save forests.
http://greencar.policy.net/ Do your part to help get cleaner and greener cars.
Subject:
Silver Lake Fir Trees in Spring
Date:
Tue, 16 May 2000 10:24:57 -0700
From:
"Magic Mike B" <mmb
Organization:
To:
"you" <mmb
You don't stop laughing because you grow old you grow
old
because you stopped laughing.
Hi,
Today's photo recommendation for your desk is Silver
Fir tree at Silver Lake, WA. Their
graceful beauty offers peaceful landscapes to the mind and
the patterns their trunks make
provide visual stimulation on this peaceful overcast day
in Spring.
http://funandmagic.com/photolinks2.htm
Those of you buying bottled water can bottle
your own for 6 cents a gallon. And, it
will be better filtered at your place, with a Multi-Pure
Stainless Steel Countertop model.
Easy to attach or remove if you relocate. It costs
$289.95. I'll knock $50 off making it
$239.95 if you'll try to get three others to use one. Your
commissions on the 3 will pay
for yours, making yours free, then. It has a 25 year warranty.
It does 750 gallons, 2
gallons a day for a year. It's refill is $49 for another
750 gallons. So in the long run,
it costs $49 a year for the cleanest water. The manufacturer
will give you a 30 day money
back guarantee trial. If you don't think it does the
job for you, you can send it back.
Hit REPLY right now, and tell me to ship one to you C.O.D.
If you wish. they will give you
one for $100 down and the balance over the year at no interest. Have a magic day and pass it on.
Magic Mike
Farmer Gossman goes to the vet and says, "My horse
is
constipated."
The vet says, "Take one of these pills, put it in
a long tube,
stick the other end in the horse's ass, and blow the pill
up
there."
Farmer Gossman comes back the next day, and he looks verysick.
The vet says, "What happened?"
Farmer Gossman says, "The horse blew first."
-=-=-==-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=
-=-=-=-=-
If Operating Systems Ran The Airlines...
.- - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - -
--------
UNIX Airways
Everyone brings one piece of the plane along when they come
to
the airport. They all go out on the runway and put the plane
together
piece by piece, arguing non-stop about what kind of plane
they are
supposed to be building.
Air DOS
Everybody pushes the airplane until it glides, then they
jump on and
let the plane coast until it hits the ground again. Then
they push
again, jump on again, and so on ...
Mac Airlines
All the stewards, captains, baggage handlers, and ticket
agents
look and act exactly the same. Every time you ask questions
about
details, you are gently but firmly told that you don't need
to know,
don't want to know, and everything will be done for you without
your
ever having to know, so just shut up.
Windows Air
The terminal is pretty and colorful, with friendly stewards,
easy
baggage check and boarding, and a smooth take-off. After
about
10 minutes in the air, the plane explodes with no warningwhatsoever.
Windows NT Air
Just like Windows Air, but costs more, uses much bigger planesand takes out all the other aircraft within a 40-mile radius
when it
explodes.
Linux Air
Disgruntled employees of all the other OS airlines decide
to start
their own airline. They build the planes, ticket counters,
and pave
the runways themselves. They charge a small fee to cover
the cost
of printing the ticket, but you can also download and print
the ticket
yourself. When you board the plane, you are given a seat,
four bolts,
a wrench and a copy of the seat-HOWTO.html. Once settled,
the
fully adjustable seat is very comfortable, the plane leaves
and
arrives on time without a single problem, the in-flight meal
is
wonderful. You try to tell customers of the other airlines
about the
great trip, but all they can say is, "You had to do
what with the seat?"
-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=
-=-=--=-=-
The company bookkeeper, a meek man with an overbearing
wife,
had been moping around all week, and the boss
wanted to know what was wrong.
"It's my wife," he replied. "She's fooling around with other men.
"Well... I can understand your mood then."
said the boss. "I
wouldn't like that one damn bit either."
"No, no." said the bookkeeper. "It's not
that. I just can't sleep
with two other people in our small bed."
-=-=-=-=-=---=---=-=-=-=-=
It was little Michael's first visit to the country, and
feeding the
chickens fascinated him.
Early one morning he caught his first glimpse of peacockstrutting in the yard. Rushing indoors excitedly, Michael
sought
his grandmother.
"Oh, Granny," he exclaimed, "one of the chickens is in bloom!"
-=-=-=---=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=
So a man walks into a pub and says, "Can I have an
entendre,
please?"
"Of course, sir," the bartender replies, "and
would that be a
single or a double?"
"Oh, make it a double."
"I see yours is a large one then, sir!"
--=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=
-=-=-=-=-=-=-=
Three preachers sat discussing the best positions forprayer while a telephone repairman worked nearby.
"Kneeling is definitely best," claimed one.
"No," another contended. "I get the
best results standing
with my hands outstretched to Heaven."
"You're both wrong," the third insisted.
"The most
effective prayer position is lying prostrate, facedown on the floor."
The repairman could contain himself no longer. "Hey,fellas, " he interrupted, "the best prayin' I ever
did
was hangin' upside down from a telephone pole."
-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=
-=-=---
Even very young children need to be informed about dying.
Explain the concept of death very carefully to your child.
This will make threatening him with it much more effective.
-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=
-=-=-=-=-=-=--=-=-
Little Susie came running into the house after school
one day,
shouting, "Daddy! Daddy! I got a 100 in school
today!"
"That's great, Sweetheart," said her daddy.
"Come in the living
room and tell me about it."
"Well," began the confession, "I got 50
in spelling, 30 in math,
and 20 in science."
-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=
-=-=-=-=-
A blonde is speaking to her psychiatrist.
Blonde: "I'm on the road a lot, and my clients are
complaining that
they can never reach me."
Psychiatrist: "Don't you have a phone in your car?"
B: "That was a little too expensive, so I did the
next best thing. I
put a mailbox in my car.
P: "Uh ... How's that working?"
B. "Actually, I haven't gotten any letters yet."
P. "And why do you think that is?"
B. "I figure its because when I'm driving around,
my zip code
keeps changing."
-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=
-
There was a married couple sleeping and an intruder enteredinto their house. The intruder put a knife to the neck of
the
woman and said, "I like to know the names of my victims
before
I kill them, what is your name?"
"My name is Elizabeth," the woman replied.
The intruder said, "You remind me of my mother who
was also
named Elizabeth, so I can't kill you."
The intruder then turned to the husband and asked, "What
is
your name?"
"My name's Phillip, but my friends call me Elizabeth."
--=-=--=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=
-=-=-=-
A blonde woman is driving a Porsche. She sees another
blonde woman with a
Porsche that has broken down on the side of the road. She
stops to ask
what's wrong.
The owner of the broken Porsche said,
"I just had a look under the hood, well, while I
was driving somebody had
stolen the engine."
The other said,
"Oh, don't worry, I have a spare one in the back
of my Porsche."
--
Have a magic day and pass it on.
Magic Mike http://funandmagic.com/
.- - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - -
----------------
http://funandmagic.com/paid2surf.html
FEED THE HUNGRY and FIGHT CANCER. Corporate sponsors pay if you click on a button, like a
cyberwalk for donations http://www.twoscoops.com/giving.htmlHelp get Cleaner and Greener Cars at http://greencar.policy.net/
Subject:
Asteroid the size of New Jersey between Mars and Jupiter
Date:
Sat, 13 May 2000 09:29:39 -0700
From:
"Magic Mike B" <mmb
Organization:
To:
"you" <mmb
Hi,
See an asteroid the size of New Jersey that
orbits the Sun between Mars and Jupiter.
http://funandmagic.com/photolinks2.htm .
People in New Jersey, Florida, Houston, Dallas,
and Denver get 3 cents a minute long
distance when they buy my MCI Worldcom bulk fiber optic lines
from my phone page.
http://funandmagic.com/photolinks2.htm and you know the water
there needs to be filtered,
. No matter where you live, these two services will benefit
you.
Please stop by.
Have a magic day and pass it on.
Magic Mike
(If people send you jokes, passes them along to me. Thanks)
Woody Allen once said "90% of life is just showing up".
-=-=-=--=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-
A man, fond of practical jokes, late one night sent his
friend a
collect telegram which read: "I am perfectly well."
A week later the joker received a heavy parcel.
Collect. On
which he had to pay considerable charges. On opening it,
he
found a big block of concrete on which was pasted thismessage:
"This is the weight your telegram lifted from my mind."
-=-=-=-=--=-==-=-=-=-=--=-=-
WISHFUL THINKING
A couple had been married for 25 years and alsocelebrated their 60th birthdays. During thecelebration a fairy appeared and said that becausethey had been such a loving couple all those years,she would give them one wish each.
The wife wanted to travel around the world. Thefairy waved her wand and boom! She had the ticketsin her hand.
Next, it was the husband's turn. He paused for amoment, then said shyly, "Well, I'd like to havea woman 30 years younger than me."
The fairy picked up her wand and boom! He was 90.
-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=
-=-=-=-=-=-
THE ROUND ABOUT WAY
A couple was relating their vacation experiences to afriend. "It sounds as if you had a great time
in Texas,"
the friend observed. "But didn't you tell me you
were
planning to visit Colorado?"
"Well," the husband said, "we changed our
plans
because, uh..."
His wife cut in, "Oh, tell the truth, Fred!"
He fell silent
and she continued, "You know, it's just ridiculous.
Fred
simply will not ask for directions."
-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=
-=
DINOSAUR CROSSING
Velma was taking the tour of a national park notlong ago. The ranger mentioned to the tour groupthat dinosaur fossils had been found in the area.
Velma exclaimed, "Wow -- I can't believe the dinosaurswould come this close to the highway!"
-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=
-=
BAD HEADLINES
Women's Movement Called More Broad-Based
Antique Stripper to Display Wares at Store
Lawyers Give Poor Free Legal Advice
Juvenile Court to Try Shooting Defendant
Nicaragua Sets Goal to Wipe Out Literacy
20-Year Friendship Ends at Altar
War Dims Hope For Peace
If Strike Isn't Settled Quickly, It May Last A While
Cold Wave Linked to Temperatures
March Planned For Next August
Blind Bishop Appointed To See
Lingerie Shipment Hijacked--Thief Gives Police The Slip
L.A. Voters Approve Urban Renewal By Landslide
Patient At Death's Door--Doctors Pull Him Through
Latin Course To Be Canceled--No Interest AmongStudents, Et Al.
Diaper Market Bottoms Out
Croupiers On Strike--Management: "No Big Deal"
Stadium Air Conditioning Fails--Fans Protest
Queen Mary Having Bottom Scraped
-=-=--=-=-=-=----=-=-=--=-=-=-
Have a magic day and pass it on.
Magic Mike http://funandmagic.com/
.- - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - -
----------------
http://funandmagic.com/paid2surf.html
FEED THE HUNGRY and FIGHT CANCER. Corporate sponsors pay if you click on a button, like a
cyberwalk for donations http://www.twoscoops.com/giving.htmlHelp get Cleaner and Greener Cars at http://greencar.policy.net/
Subject:
Lava Must Obey Traffic Laws Too, fixed link
Date:
Fri, 12 May 2000 11:39:12 -0700
From:
"mmb" <mmb
Organization:
http://funandmagic.com
To:
"you" <mmb
Hi,
Here is a fun photo of lava coming to a STOP
sign. http://funandmagic.com/photolinks2.htm .
Be amazed. See a neat trick and learn it. How to tie a necktie,
one handed, in one second.
http://funandmagic.com/learn_magic.html
Have a magic day and pass it on.
Magic Mike
http://funandmagic.com/
One of Sigmund Freud's early patients rushed out into
an
Austrian afternoon on her way to meet her best friend at
a
coffee house.
Over Cappuccino and Viennese pastries, she suddenly burst
out
crying.
Her friend begged her to share what was wrong.
"Oh, it's just terrible," she wailed. "Today
the doctor told me
I'm in love with my father, and. . .and. . .and you know,
he's a
married man!"
-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=
-=-=-=-=-=-
As a Delta Air Lines jet was flying over Arizona on a
clear day,
the copilot was providing his passengers with a runningcommentary about landmarks over the PA system.
"Coming up on the right, you can see the Meteor Crater,
which
is a major tourist attraction in northern Arizona. It was
formed
when a lump of nickel and iron, roughly 150 feet in diameterand weighing 300,000 tons, struck the earth at about 40,000miles an hour, scattering white-hot debris for miles in everydirection. The hole measures nearly a mile across and is
570
feet deep."
From the cabin, a passenger was heard to exclaim,
"Wow! It
just missed the highway!"
-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=
-=-
Motherhood ~ If it was going to be easy, it never wouldhave started with something called labor!
.- - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - -
-----------
The smartest advice on raising children is to enjoy themwhile they are still on your side.
.- - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - -
-------------
The best way to keep kids at home is to make the homea pleasant atmosphere and to let the air out of the tires.
.- - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - -
-------------
The right temperature in a home is maintained by warmhearts, not by hot heads.
.- - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - -
-----------
The joy of motherhood: the time when all the children
are
finally in bed.
.- - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - -
-----------
Cleaning your house while your kids are at home
is like
trying to shovel the driveway during a snowstorm.
.- - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - -
---------------
Oh to be only half as wonderful as my child thought I
was
when he was small, and half as stupid as my teenager nowthinks I am.
-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=
-=--=-=-=-=-=-=-
A tall, weather-worn cowboy walked into a saloon and ordered
a
beer.
The regulars quietly observed the drifter through half-closedeyelids.
No one spoke, but they all noticed that the stranger's
hat was
made of brown wrapping paper.
Less obvious was the fact that his shirt and vest were
also
made of paper.
As were his chaps, pants and even his boots, including
the
paper spurs.
Truth be told, even the saddle, blanket and bridle on
his horse
were made entirely of paper.
The sheriff walks in and of course he arrests him immediately
--
for rustling.
-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=
-=-=-=-=-=-=-=
--=
Over drinks one evening two gentleman were having adiscussion about the charms, or lack there-of of the supermodelStephanie Seymour.
"I say she's highly over-rated," said one "Take
away her eyes,
her lips, her legs and that figure, and what have ya got
?
"My wife" said the other with a heavy sigh.
--
Have a magic day and pass it on.
Magic Mike http://funandmagic.com/
.- - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - -
----------------
http://funandmagic.com/paid2surf.html
FEED THE HUNGRY and FIGHT CANCER. Corporate sponsors pay if you click on a button, like a
cyberwalk for donations http://www.twoscoops.com/giving.htmlHelp get Cleaner and Greener Cars at http://greencar.policy.net/
Subject:
Overlapping Galaxies, 10 Commandments of Email
Date:
Thu, 11 May 2000 09:21:40 -0700
From:
"mmb" <mmb
Organization:
http://funandmagic.com
To:
"you" <mmb
Hi,
For your desktop today, try this just
released color composite, constructed from
Hubble Space Telescope images of two Galaxies
overlapping, in the Constellation Hydra. http://funandmagic.com/photolinks2.htm The Free DSL offer has been extended for referring
10 people and getting a free, $200
DSL modem. This lets you be on phone and
online at 256,000k. About 10 times faster than you get now.
It takes awhile to get the
Free DSL in your area, but get your 10
recommendations lined up now. It is also free dialup. That
saves you $20 and another $29 a
month for DSL, so you get $49 a month
free service by using it, when it becomes available. Say
mmb sent you and write
me when you sign up. After signing up,
to complete the process, you MUST download their browser
assistant, which has some nice
features. You may close the browser
assistant when it's not being used.
http://www.FreeDSL.com/join/default.asp?cmd=rl&args=452,120021410&barid=452&uri=http://d.winfire.com/scripts/isapiEng.dll/wfsetup.exe
Have a magic day and pass this on as is today, please.
(Unless you go sign up and get your
own referral link :)
Magic Mike
My boss was complaining in a staff meeting the other day that he wasn't getting any respect. Later that morning
he
went out and got a small sign that read, "I'm
the Boss".
He then taped it to his office door.
Later that day when he returned from lunch, he found
that
someone had taped a note to the sign that said. "Your
wife
called, she wants her sign back!
-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=
--=--=
The husband was perusing a detailed sex manual and his
wife
asked him why. He replied that he was tired of being in thesame old rut.
"But I don't understand," she protested, "I
thought we had a
very good sex life."
"Well," replied the husband, "let me put it to ya another way."
=-=-===-==-=-=-=-=-=-===-
A guy comes walking into a bar with a little turtle in
his hand.
The turtle's one eye is black and blue, two of his legs arebandaged, and his whole shell is taped together with duct
tape.
The bartender asks the man: "What is wrong with your turtle?"
"Nothing", the man responds, "This turtle
is very fast. Take your
dog and let him stand at the end of the bar. Then go and
stand
at the other end of the room and call your dog. Before your
dog
reaches you, my turtle will be there."
So the bartender, wanting to see this, calls his dog over
(who
was at the piano playing requests for tips). The bartender
went
to the other side of the bar and called his dog. Then suddenlythe guy picked up his turtle and threw it across the room,narrowly missing the bartender, and smashing into the wall.
"Told you it'll be there before your dog."
(NO actual turtles were hurt in the performance of this
joke - MM)
-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=
-=-=-=-=-=-=-
There were three nuns meeting with their Mother Superior,
who told them they must pass one
final test before receiving their saint's name.
She told them to go and commit one sin so that they would
not have similar urges in the
future.
When the nuns returned, the Mother Superior said, "Did
you commit your sins?"
They all replied that they had. The first two nuns
were crying, and the third was
giggling. The Mother Superior said to the first nun,
"What sin did you commit, child?"
The first nun answered with tears in her eyes, "I
was just rotten! I picked flowers from
someone else's garden!" The Mother Superior said, "Go,and
drink the Holy Water, and it
will be forgiven."
The third nun began dancing around with laughter.
The Mother Superior asked the second nun. Her whole
body was shaking, and she was
overcome with tears. "I stole candy from a baby!"
she wailed. The Mother Superior said,
"My child, drink the Holy Water and you are forgiven."
The third nun fell to the floor, laughing hysterically.
The Mother Superior, disgusted by now with such a display,
asked, "Whatever are you
laughing at?" The third nun was barely able to answer
through her tears of laughter, "I
peed in the Holy Water!"
(NO actual nuns or Holy Water were used in the performance of this joke. - MM)
--=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=
-=-=-=-=-=-=
I THOUGHT I SAW A PUDDY TAT!
There once was a lady who was very concerned about hermissing parrot. Not knowing what to do, she called
911.
"You gotta help me find my parrot!"
The operator patiently replied, "We can't help you
with
that, Ma'am. This number only deals with emergencies."
But the lady persisted, so the operator told her not to
be
concerned, that the parrot should fly back in a few days.
Then, out of desperation, the lady begged, "Butyou don't understand! The only thing he says is,'Here, kitty, kitty!!!'"
( No actual............. heh heh - MM)
-=--=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=
THE 10 COMMANDMENTS OF EMAIL
Thou shalt include a clear and specific subject line.
Thou shalt edit any quoted text down to the minimum thou needest.
Thou shalt read thine own message thrice before thou sendest it.
Thou shalt ponder how thy recipient might react to thy message.
Thou shalt check thy spelling and thy grammar.
Thou shalt not curse, flame, spam or USE ALL CAPS.
Thou shalt not forward any chain letter.
Thou shalt not use e-mail for any illegal or unethical purpose.
Thou shalt not rely on the privacy of e-mail, especially from work.
When in doubt, save thy message overnight and reread it
in the light
of the dawn.
And, here's the "Golden Rule" of E-Mail:
That which thou findest hateful to receive, sendest thou
not unto
others.
--
Have a magic day and pass it on.
Magic Mike http://funandmagic.com/
.- - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - -
----------------
http://funandmagic.com/paid2surf.html
FEED THE HUNGRY and FIGHT CANCER. Corporate sponsors pay if you click on a button, like a
cyberwalk for donations http://www.twoscoops.com/giving.htmlHelp get Cleaner and Greener Cars at http://greencar.policy.net/
Subject:
Delicate Arch
and Storm (sorry about addresses)
Date:
Wed, 10 May 2000
22:53:48 -0700
From:
"mmb"
<magicmb@uswest.net
To:
"you"
<mmb
Hi,
Arches National Park is said to have the largest
concentration of natural rock openings
in the world. Delicate Arch is the most famous. Here is a great photo of of the arch with
a storm approaching, for your wallpaper. http://funandmagic.com/photolinks2.htm Are you still drinking poison Chlorine? Or do
you spend 40 cents a bottle for bottled
water? Be smart. Filter it yourself for 6 cents a gallon.
Sell
three and yours is free.
Have a magic day and pass it on.
Magic Mike
http://funandmagic.com/
A lawyer died and was standing in front of St. Peter at
the Pearly Gates.
St. Peter said,
"you can't come in here... you have to go to the other place".
But the lawyer was really good and pleaded his case to
the point where St.
Peter said,
"OK... here's what I'll do. You will spend the same
amount of time in hell
as you did on earth, and then you can spend the rest of eternity
up here."
The lawyer figured this wasn't too bad of a deal, so he said
"OK".
St. Peter said,
"Great... I'll see you in 350 years.".
The lawyer said,
"But, how is that possible... I'm only 65 years old!".
St Peter said,
"We go by billing hours".
--=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=
-=-=-=-=-
The cowboy was trying to buy an insurance policy.
The
insurance agent was going down the list of standardquestions.
"Ever have an accident?"
"Nope, nary a one."
"None? You've never had any accidents."
"Nope. Ain't never had one. Never."
"That's hard to believe. No accidents at all?"
"Well, rattler bit me one time."
"Wouldn't you consider that an accident?"
"Hell no. Damned varmint bit me on purpose."
--=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=
-=-=-=-=
Two bowling teams, one of all Blondes and one of all Brunettes,
charter a
double-decker bus for a weekend bowling tournament in Atlantic
City. The
Brunette team rides in the bottom of the bus. The Blonde
team rides on the
top level.
The Brunette team, down below, is whooping it up having
a great time, when
one of them realizes she doesn't hear anything from the Blondes
upstairs.
She decides to go up and investigate. When the Brunettereaches the top, she finds all the Blondes frozen in fear,
staring
straight-ahead at the road and clutching the seats in front
of them with
white knuckles.
She says,
"What the heck's goin' on up here? We're havin' a grand time downstairs!"
One of the Blondes from the second team looks up and says,
"Yeah, but you've got a driver!"
-=-=-=-=-=-=-=--=-=-=-=-=-=-=-
A Scout Master was teaching his boy scouts about survival
in
the desert.
"What are the three most important things you should
bring
with you in case you get lost in the desert?" he asked.
Several
hands went up, and many important things were suggestedsuch as food, matches, etc.
Then one little boy in the back eagerly raised his hand.
"Yes
Timmy, what are the three most important things you wouldbring with you?" asked the Scout Master.
Timmy replied: "A compass, a can'teen of water, and
a deck
of cards."
"Why's that Timmy?"
"Well," answered Timmy, "the compass is
to find the right
direction, the water is to prevent dehydration..."
"And what about the deck of cards?" asked the
Scout Master
impatiently.
"Well, Sir, as soon as you start playing Solitaire,
someone is
bound to come up behind you and say, "Put that red nine
on
top of that black ten!"
-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=
-=-=--
A hopeful suitor dropped into a computer-dating center
and
registered his qualifications.
He wanted someone who enjoyed water sports, liked company,favored formal attire, and was very small.
The computer operated faultlessly. It sent him a penguin.
-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=
-=-=-=-=-=-=
Employee's Lingo ......
1.I'M EXTREMELY ADEPT AT ALL MANNER OF OFFICE ORGANIZATION: I've used Microsoft Office.
2.I'M HONEST, HARD-WORKING AND DEPENDABLE: I pilfer office supplies.
3.MY PERTINENT WORK EXPERIENCE INCLUDES: I hope you don't ask me about all the McJobs I've
had.
4.I TAKE PRIDE IN MY WORK: I blame others for my mistakes.
5.I'M PERSONABLE: I give lots of unsolicited personal advice to co-workers.
6.I'M EXTREMELY PROFESSIONAL: I carry a Day-Timer.
7.I AM ADAPTABLE: I've changed jobs a lot.
8.I AM ON THE GO: I'm never at my desk.
9.I'M HIGHLY MOTIVATED TO SUCCEED: The minute I find a
better job, I'm outta there.
--
Subject:
cool hot lava
Date:
Tue, 09 May 2000 09:53:28 -0700
From:
"Magic Mike" <mmb
Organization:
http://funandmagic.com/
To:
"you" <mmb
Hi,
Here's another cool, hot lava pic, the shapes
it takes as it cools.
http://funandmagic.com/photolinks2.htm
Want the cheapest bottled water? Bottle your
own for 6 cents a gallon!
Have a magic day and pass it on.
Magic Mike
Due to the rampant "ILOVEYOU" virus affecting
over 30
million computers worldwide, AOL has announced a change intheir email program.
From now on, instead of the familiar greeting, "You've
Got
Mail!" you'll now be greeted with, "You've Been
Screwed."
-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=
-=-=-=-=-=-=-
A man walks into a bar. He sees a beautiful, well-dressedwoman sitting on a bar stool alone. He walks up to her andsays, "Hi there, how's it going tonight?"
She turns to him, looks him straight in the eyes and says,
"I'll
screw anybody any time, any where, any place, it doesn'tmatter to me."
The guy raises his eyebrows and says, "No kidding?
What
law firm do you work for?"
-===----=-=--=-=-=-=-=-=-=--=-=-=
A guy applies to the welfare office. They ask why
he needs
financial assistance. "I'm having trouble with
my eyes,"
the man says. "I can't see myself going to work."
-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=
-=--=-
And then there's the shop-a-holic whose friend complimentedher on her new car. "Oh, thanks," the woman
replied. "It's
very economical. I'm getting about 20 malls per gallon!"
-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=
--=-
Already the Mother of two rambunctious boys, the husbandwas thrilled when the doctor announced they were going tohave twins this time. He told his wife that she should
start
thinking of names.
"Well, let's see." she said. "We
already have Adolph and
Rudolph. How about Getoff and Stayoff ?"
-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=
Years ago, when my daughter was dating, she couldn't decidewhat to get her boyfriend as a birthday present.
"Dad ?" she asked, "If you were going to
be sixteen this
Thursday, what would you want ?"
"Not another thing." I sighed, "Not another damn thing."
-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=
-=-=-=---=
Mother Lion and Father Lion had gone off hunting, and
had
told their two children not to wander away. However, acouple of small wildebeests wandered by, and the baby lionscould not resist the temptation to try out their own huntingskills. They ran out, chased after the animals, killed them,and started eating them. Just as the baby lions werereaching the end of their meal, the parents appeared in thedistance. One of the baby lions turned to the other, and
said:
"THAT IS THE END OF THE GNUS. HERE AGAIN ARE THEHEAD LIONS."
-=-=-=-=-=-=--=--=-=-=-=-=--=
A recent college graduate took a new job in a hilly Eastern
city and began
commuting each day to work through a tiring array of tunnels,
bridges and
traffic jams. To make the task less onerous, he invited several
of his
coworkers to share the ride.
He soon found, however, that the commute continued to
get more stressful,
especially the trips through the tunnels. He consulted the
company doctor.
"Doc," the frustrated commuter complained, "I'm
fine on the bridges, in
the traffic, in the day and at night, and even when Joe forgets
to bathe
all week long. But when I get in the tunnels and I've got
those four other
guys crowded around me in the car, I get anxious and dizzy
and feel like
I'm going to explode."
Without further analysis, the doctor announced he had
identified the
ailment.
"What is it, Doc? Am I going insane?"
"No, no, no, my boy. You have something very common in these parts."
"Tell me! What is it?"
"You have what is known as Carpool Tunnel Syndrome."
-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=
-=-=-
The teacher had asked her pupils to list, in their opinions,
the 11 greatest Americans.
As they were writing, she stopped at one desk, "Have
you finished your list, Bobby?" she
asked.
"Not quite," answered the boy, "I can't decide on the fullback."
--=-=---=-=-=-=-=-=--=--=-=-=--=
A one dollar bill met a 20 dollar bill and said, "Hey,where've you been? I haven't seen you around here much."
The twenty answered, "I've been hanging out at the
casinos,
went on a cruise and did the rounds of the ship, back to
the
United States for a while, went to a couple of baseballgames, to the mall, that kind of stuff. How about you?"
The one dollar bill said, "You know, same old stuff,church, church, church."
-=--=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=--=-=-=-
A honeymoon couple is in the Watergate Hotel in Washington.The bride is concerned "What if the place is still bugged?"
The groom says "I'll look for a bug."
He looks behind the
drapes, behind the pictures, under the rug "AHA!"
Under the
rug was a disc with four screws. He gets his Swiss
army
knife, unscrews the screws, throws them and the disc out
the
window.
The next morning, the hotel manager asks the newlyweds"How was your room?", "How was the service?",
"How was
your stay at the Watergate Hotel?"
The groom says, "Why are you asking me all of thesequestions?"
The hotel manager says "Well, the room UNDER youcomplained of the chandelier falling on them."
--
Have a magic day and pass it on.
Magic Mike http://funandmagic.com/
.- - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - -
----------------
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Subject:
Holy men and unholy places
Date:
Sun, 07 May 2000 11:05:15 -0700
From:
"Magic Mike" <mmb
Organization:
http://funandmagic.com/
To:
"you" <mmb
Hi,
Here's a cool photo of a Spatter Cone, a newly
formed spatter cone erupting on the side
of the Pu'u O'o Vent. http://funandmagic.com/photolinks2.htm .Have a magic day and pass it on.
Magic Mike
A priest goes into a barbershop, gets a haircut, thanks
the barber, and
asks how much he owes him.
The barber says,
"Father, you're a holy man, a man of the cloth, I couldn't
charge you,
it's on the house."
The priest says,
"Thank you very much" and leaves.
The next day, magically appearing on the doorstep of the
barbershop are 12
gold coins.
A few days later, a Buddhist monk goes in for a shave
and a shine, and
when the time comes to pay the barber says,
"No money, please, you're a spiritual leader, a man
of the people, it's on
the house."
The next day, magically appearing on the doorstep are 12
rubies.
The following week a rabbi comes in, gets a haircut, goes
To pay, and
the barber says,
"No, Rabbi, you are a learned man, a wise man, I
can't take any money from
you, go in peace."
And the next day, magically appearing on the doorstep of
the barbershop
are 12 rabbis.
Proud of your hometown? Well....
How'd you like to tell people I'm from..........Shafter (California, USA)
Beaver (Oklahoma, USA)
Shitlingthorpe (Yorkshire, UK)
Bastard (Norway)
Twatt (Orkney, UK)
Arsoli (Lazio, Italy)
Muff (Northern Ireland)
Wankie (Zimbabwe)
Climax (Colorado, USA)
Nobber (Donegal, Ireland)
Lickey End (West Midlands, UK)
Fukum (Yemen)
Lord Berkeley's Knob (Sutherland, Scotland)
Dildo (Newfoundland, Canada)
Turdo (Romania)
Dongo (Congo - Democratic Republic)
Seymen (Turkey)
Dong Rack (Thailand-Cambodia border)
Intercourse (Pennsylvania, USA)
Brown Willy (Cornwall,UK)
Wanks River (Nicaragua)
Wankendorf (Schleswig-Holstein, Germany)
Fuku (Shensi, China)
Beaver Head (Idaho, USA)
Fukui (Honshu, Japan)
Shag Island (Indian Ocean)
Fukue (Honshu, Japan)
Middle Intercourse Island (Australia)
Wankie Colliery (Zimbabwe)
Chinaman's Knob (Australia)
Wet Beaver Creek (Australia)
Tittybong (Australia)
Pis Pis River (Nicaragua)
Dikshit (India)
Wankener (India)
Sexmoan (Luzon, Philippines)
--
Have a magic day and pass it on.
Magic Mike http://funandmagic.com/
.- - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - -
----------------
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FEED THE HUNGRY and FIGHT CANCER. Corporate sponsors pay if you click on a button, like a
cyberwalk for donations http://www.twoscoops.com/giving.htmlHelp get Cleaner and Greener Cars at http://greencar.policy.net/
Subject:
Enjoy the last day
Date:
Fri, 05 May 2000 09:48:07 -0700
From:
"Magic Mike" <mmb
Organization:
http://funandmagic.com/
To:
"you" <mmb
Hi,
As you know, The "I Love You" virus
is going around. Basically, if you haven't heard
yet, don't open it. And get a virus checker. A warning about
warnings!
Those of you that like to send us all warnings might consider
that it isn't prudent to use
the name of the virus in your subject line. Many of us get
nervous enough just hearing or
seeing the word "virus". So, don't make us think
we just got it, when we see the heading
in your warning, ominously lurking, bold, unread, in the
Inbox.
Oh, by the way, if this virus has/hasn't got
you distracted, or you have have plans for
the weekend, I might remind you that the World ends/ended
today at noon. Havoc will begin
the rain down on us by about 12:05 PM, so take your umbrella.
Be prepared for the ground
beneath your feet to be torn apart, flinging you into the
harsh vacuum of Space. Today,
all five naked-eye planets (Mercury, Venus, Mars, Jupiter,
Saturn) plus the Moon and the
Sun will at least approximately line-up. That and a buck,
will get you a cup of coffee,
but many people think this will create a tug of war that
destroys everything. If you
aren't squeamish, see a photo of a part of it, Sun, Saturn,
Jupiter, and Mercury at
http://funandmagic.com/photolinks2.htm . Mars and Venus are outside
the field of the photo and
not seen. If you wish more info on this planetary alignment
and Doom, here is a link
http://www.griffithobs.org/SkyAlignments.html
If you feel you have a desire to survive this
improbable Doom, consider your drinking
water. It is most likely the most dangerous thing in your
life.
Get cancer free water for pennies a day. Free, if you recommend
three other people.
--
Have a magic day and pass it on.
Magic Mike http://funandmagic.com/
"Thank you for calling Adventures in Telephoning Unlimited.
"If you wish to leave a message for Bill, please
press 1. If you
wish to leave a message for Tony, please press 2. If it's
Marty
you're calling, please press 3.
"If none of these names make any sense to you, you'veprobably called the wrong number. In that case, please press
4
and leave a message for Nick, he's feeling ignored."
-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=
-=-=-=-=-=-=-=
-=-
A 6 year old boy was found floating in the Atlantic Ocean
today after being
set adrift from Israel on a giant matzoh.
The boy, Eliat Ginsburg, and his mother, set out from
Israel in an attempt
to reach the Jewish Homeland, Miami. They started out in
a small boat, the
S.S. Shanapunim, which capsized when the American captain
forgot that ocean
waves near Israel go from right to left. Eliat's heroic mother
quickly pieced
together the matzoh-raft and put him on it, then drowned
under the weight of
her gold jewelry. Her last words to her son were reported
to be "Don't marry
a Shiksa. She'll eat your HEART out.(glug) (glug)."
Eliat was soon picked up by a passing Gefilte fishing
boat, and taken to
Miami, after a quick nosh, a nice piece of cake, whatever.
There, he was
turned over to the custody of his closest relatives, his
great uncle, L'Chaim
Ginsburg, and his 21 year old female cousin, M'shugena Ginsburg.
He moved
into their home in a Retirement Community on a golf course.
Shortly thereafter, his father, Jacob Moses Ginsburg,
who was still in
Israel, was notified. He almost plotzed, and was taken to
the Plotz Unit of
a nearby hospital, where he was given a chicken soup capsule
and released. He
then demanded to come to the U.S. to bring his son back.
Since it was Friday
night, he walked to Miami.
However, Eliat's Miami relatives opposed the way he was
being raised in
Israel. They claimed that in Israel, he had no freedom, no
rights, no tennis
lessons. Neighbors gathered around the Miami relatives' house
to prevent the
authorities for taking him away. They held up signs that
read "Stay away!
Every one of our sons are lawyers and they're single, too
if you know a nice
girl."
Meanwhile, they plied the boy with gifts to show him how
wonderful it was in
America. He was given a Video game which was promptly taken
away
because it could take an eye out. He was then given a dreidel
and played
"Find the Afikomen" with his little cousins.
When the father arrived in Miami, he was greeted by federal
officials who
warned him not to go to the Miami house, because it was dangerous.
He
responded, "What danger? There's no danger in Miami!"
The Jewish media pounced on this story with all it's power.
Headlines read
"LITTLE BOY PLAYS OUTSIDE WITHOUT A SWEATER."
Talk shows posed questions
like: What's more important, parenthood or politics? What
if an American boy
was held in Israel? Where can you get a nice sandwich in
Miami? Guess how
much I paid for this? It was ugly.
The boy's cousin, M'Shugena, became his primary caretaker,
because
she had no job, no kids, no husband and no skills. The situation
took a
toll on her. Neiman Marcus and Loehmans's called to see why
she hadn't been
in. Unbeknownst to her, the federal government was planning
a secret rescue
operation, known as "Operation Circumcise," to
remove the boy from the house
and cut him off from his family. Just then, it happened.
To get into the area
unnoticed, they arrived in a van cleverly disguised to look
like a Chinese
food delivery truck, and stormed the house. Neighbors came
running like a
vance when they heard the code word "trafe." Hundreds
of neighbors poured
into the house in an attempt to prevent the boy from being
taken, but they
were slowed down by their need to kiss the mezuzah each time
they entered.
But a trap was set for the agents. To slow them down, M'Shugena
had poured
slippery chicken fat all over the floor. But the neighbors,
armed only with
menorahs, were no match for the agents and their weapons.
The boy was taken
to the waiting van, which would speed off to reunite him
with his waiting
father, after making a few more deliveries.
-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=
-=-=-=-=-=-=-=
--
The Penis requests a promotion and a raise for the followingreasons.
1. Has to work hard.
2. Has to work at great depths.
3. Has to work upside down.
4. Has no ventilation or air conditioned work environment.5. Has to work in a high humidity environment.
6. Has to work at high temperatures.
7. Does not get weekends and holidays off.
8. Does not get time off after extra hours of work.9. Has a hazardous work environment that often causesillness.
Management Reply.
Request denied for the following reasons.
1. Does not work 8 hours straight during any work period.2. Does not answer immediately to all requests.
3. Co-workers often unsatisfied by job performance.4. After a short activity period, falls asleep.
5. Shows no evidence of fidelity at the workplace.6. Works better alone than with others.
7. Does not work at all unless pushed from behind.8. Does not leave the workplace clean after finishing work.9. Sometimes leaves work too early.
-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=
-=-=-=-=--=-
While few of the traditional seder foods trace their origins
as far
back as matzoh, it should be noted that the lowly horseradish
root also
crossed the Red Sea with the fleeing Israelites.
As impoverished slaves, they had access to few vegetables
and the hard
and woody horseradish was a household staple.
While most of the fleeing Israelites carried with them
horseradish,
there is a story told of one family where, while gathering
up their few
belongings, discovered that they had no horseradish left
in their house.
The wife sent her husband into the field to dig up a large
horseradish
root, but in the darkness and confusion, he unearthed a large
ginger
root by mistake.
The story continues that after forty years of wandering
in the desert,
the Israelites finally entered the promised land. But it
was another
year before the family with the ginger arrived to settle
among the rest of
the Israelites.
When asked where they had been, the matriach of the family,
now grown
old, shrugged and answered,
"My husband insisted on taking an alternate root."
-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=
-=--=--
A guy bought his wife a beautiful diamond ring for Christmas.
A friend of his said, "I thought she wanted one of
those sporty
4-Wheel drive vehicles."
"She did," he replied. "But where in the
hell was I gonna find a
fake Jeep?"
-=-=-=-=-=-==-=-=-==-=-=-=-====-
A young boy, about eight years old, was at the corner
"Mom &
Pop" grocery picking out a pretty good size box of laundrydetergent.
The grocer walked over, and, trying to be friendly, asked
the
boy if he had a lot of laundry to do.
"Oh, no laundry," the boy said, "I'm going to wash my dog."
"But you shouldn't use this to wash your dog.
It's very powerful
and if you wash your dog in this, he'll get sick. In
fact, it might
even kill him."
But the boy was not to be stopped and carried the detergent
to
the counter and paid for it, even as the grocer still tried
to talk
him out of washing his dog.
About a week later the boy was back in the store to buy
some
candy. The grocer asked the boy how his dog was doing.
"Oh, he died," the boy said.
The grocer, trying not to be an I-told-you-so, said he
was sorry
the dog died but added, "I tried to tell you not to
use that
detergent on your dog."
"Well," the boy replied, "I don't think
it was the detergent that
killed him."
"Oh? What was it then?"
"I think it was the spin cycle!"
-==-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=
-=-=-=-=-
Three boys are in the school yard bragging of how great
their
fathers are.
The first one says: "Well, my father runs the fastest.
He can fire
an arrow, and start to run, I tell you, he gets there before
the
arrow".
The second one says: "Ha! You think that's fast!
My father is a
hunter. He can shoot his gun and be there before the bullet".
The third one listens to the other two and shakes his
head. He
then says: "You two know nothing about fast. My father
is a
civil servant. He stops working at 4:30 and he is home by3:45"!!
-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=
-=-=-=-=-
A man has an hour to kill before his flight to Los Angeles.
He decides to
killsome time at an airport bar. He walks in and sits
down next to a
clearly nervous guy, who has three empty whiskey glasses
in front of him.
The man introduces himself to the nervous guy, and buys him
a drink.
The man asks, "Nervous about flying?"
The nervous guy replies, "N-n-nervous? I'm
t-terrified. I j-just know
the p-plane is g-going t-to crash and we're g-going to d-die."
"Is this your first time flying?"
"N-no, I fly c-cross-c-country all the t-time. It's m-my job."
"Why don't you just ask your boss if you can drive cross-country?"
"H-he would never l-let me do that"
"Why not?" asks the man.
The nervous guy replies, "B-because, I'm the p-pilot."
-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=
-=-=-=-=-=-=-=
---=
A Russian cosmonaut has an emergency during his reentry
into earth's
atmosphere and his space craft crash lands in the Australian
bush, way
out in the middle of nowhere.
After what seems like an eternity, he wakes up in a bush
hospital
clinic, very rustic, dirty, with foul smells and he is really
bandaged
from head to foot. He sees a very large, somewhat gruff looking
nurse
approaching him as he lay in his cot.
"Did I come here to die?" he says with a deep
sense of resignation and
fear.
"No," the Aussie nurse replies, "You came here yesterdiaay.
-=-=-=-=-=-=-=--=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=--=
Two ladies were hanging out together and one was depressed.
"What's wrong?"
The depressed one replied,
"I've been married four times and every one of my
husbands has passed
away."
The other lady asked,
"What did they used to do?"
The depressed lady replied,
"Well, my first husband was a millionaire, the second
was a magician, the
third was an evangelist and the fourth was a mortician."
And the other said,
"Oh, I see, one for the money, two for the show,
three to get ready and
four to go...
Have a magic day and pass it on.
Magic Mike http://funandmagic.com/
---
http://funandmagic.com/paid2surf.html
FEED THE HUNGRY and FIGHT CANCER. Corporate sponsors pay if you click on
a button, like a
cyberwalk for donations http://www.twoscoops.com/giving.htmlHelp get Cleaner and Greener Cars at http://greencar.policy.net/
Subject:
Hawaiian sunset, Planet Proctor Orbit
Date:
Thu, 04 May 2000 09:15:58 -0700
From:
"Magic Mike" <mmb
Organization:
http://funandmagic.com/
To:
"you" <mmb
"The key to everything is patience. You get
the chicken
by hatching the egg, not by smashing it."
-Arnold H. Glasow
Hi,
Today I have a Planet Proctor at the bottom,
and another wonderful photo for your desk
at http://funandmagic.com/photolinks2.htm It is another sunset.
"Clouds scatter the faint
orange rays of the setting sun in the foreground of this
breathtaking photograph from the
summit of Mauna Kea, Hawaii. Taken on April 7th, this
skyscape features a dramatic lunar
and planetary alignment. An overexposed crescent moon
dominates the celestial scene, but
the bright "star" just below and to its right is
Saturn while further below Saturn is a
close pairing of brilliant Jupiter and a fainter, yellowish
Mars. Red giant star
Aldebaran is almost directly above the moon near the top
of the image and the bright blue
stars of the Pleiades cluster are visible about midway up
and to the right of the
moon-Aldebaran line."
Enjoy the jokes below with a cool, clean glasses
of water, knowing you took all the bad
stuff out. Just because it can't be seen, doesn't mean the
chemicals aren't there. Take
them out with a solid block filter, for pennies a day, and
free if you get three friends
to get one.
Have a magic day and pass it on.
Magic Mike http://funandmagic.com/
A baby-sitter is a teenager acting like an adult while
the adults
are out acting like teenagers.
No man is lonely while eating spaghetti.
- Robert Morley
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
There is poetry in a pork chop to a hungry man. - Philip Gibbs
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Poultry is to the kitchen what canvas is to the painter. - Jean-Anthelme Brillat-Savarin, from The Physiology
of Taste, 1825
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Bring on the dessert. I think I am about to die. - Last words of Brillat-Savarins's great-aunt
Pierette
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Coffee should be black as hell, strong as death, and sweet
as love.
- Turkish proverb
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
I think a man ought to get drunk at least twice a year
just on
principle, so he won't let himself get snotty about it. - Raymond Chandler
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
One of the disadvantages of wine is that it makes man
mistake words for
thoughts.
- Dr. Samuel Johnson
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Part of the secret of success in life is to eat what you
want, and let
the
food fight it out inside.
- Mark Twain
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Hunger makes the beans taste better.
- American proverb
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Laughter is brightest where food is best.
- Proverb
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
We may find in the long run that tinned food is a deadlier
weapon than
the machine-gun.
- George Orwell
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
There is no love sincerer than the love of food. - George Bernard Shaw
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Food is an important part of a balanced diet.
- Fran Lebowitz
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
My illness is due to my doctor's insistence that I drink
milk, a whitish
fluid they force down helpless babies.
- W.C. Fields
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Everything you see I owe to spaghetti.
- Sophia Loren
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
I've been on a diet for two weeks and all I've lost is
two weeks.
- Totie Fields
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
No matter what kind of a diet you are on, you can usually
eat as much as
you want of anything you don't like.
- Walter Slezak
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
I will not eat oysters; I want my food dead. Not sick,
not wounded;
dead.
- Woody Allen
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Isn't there another part of the motzo you people eat? - Catholic priest, at kosher restaurant~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
When hunger comes through the door, love goes out the
window.
- Jewish proverb
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
My wife is a light eater; as soon as it's light,
she starts eating.
- Henny Youngman
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Down in Miami I worked a place called the Deauville Hotel;
very
exclusive. Room service had an unlisted number.
- Henny Youngman
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
If this is coffee, please bring me some tea; but if this
is tea, please
bring me some coffee.
- Abraham Lincoln
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Never accept a drink from a urologist.
- Erma Bombeck's father
-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=
-=-=-=-=-=-=-=
-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=
An attorney passed on and found himself in heaven, but
not at all happy
with his accommodations.
He complained to St. Peter, who told him his only recourse
was to appeal
his assignment. The attorney immediately advised that
he intended to
appeal, but was then told he would be waiting at least three
years before
his appeal could be heard.
The attorney protested a three year wait was unconscionable,
but his
words fell on deaf ears. The lawyer was then approached
by the devil,
who told him he would be able to arrange an appeal to be
heard in a few
days, if the attorney was willing to change venue to Hell.
When the attorney asked why appeals could be heard so
much sooner in
Hell, he was told,
"We have all of the judges."
-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=
-=-=-=-=-=-=-=
-=-=-=-=-=-=
Mickey and Rotunda are in bed at her home, when all of
a
sudden, they hear the front door open and close.
"Oh, no! It's my husband!" cries Rotunda.
Mickey cries, "Where's your back door?"
"We don't have a back door!" says Rotunda.
"Well," says Mickey, "where would you *like* a back door?"
-===-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=
-=-=-=--=
It was the late 1600s in Philadelphia when Quakers wereroutinely arrested for civil disobedience.
At the time, William Penn's mother and two of her sistersowned a successful Quaker business, a bakery. The womenincreased the price of their pies, specifically donating
the
money to support the legal expenses of their Quaker friends.
Many in the town objected to paying the price increase
on
political grounds, and there were extensive and public debatesabout the pie rates of Penn's aunts.
-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=
-=-=-=-=-=-=-=
-=-=-=
An Italian lady's husband needs an operation, and she
can't
afford it. They tell her, "Mrs. Shivelli, we have a
television show
called "Medic." If you let us operate on your husband
on t.v.,
you'll get the operation for free, plus we'll pay you."
She says, "But I got-a no clothes to wear on-a the t.v."
So they take her out and they buy her a few new dresses.
On
the big night, she gets made up and gets her hair done. Shegets interviewed on the show before the operation and afterthe show they come backstage to see her.
One of the doctors says, "Mrs. Shivelli, I'm very
sorry, but your
husband passed away during the operation."
She says, "Atsa show biz."
-=-=-=-=-=-=---
-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=---=-=
-=-=-=-=-
A young boy goes off to college, but about 1/3 way throughthe semester, he has foolishly squandered what money hisparents gave him.
"Hmmmm," he wonders, "How am I gonna get
more dough?"
Then he gets an idea.
He calls his father.
"Dad," he says, "you won't believe the
wonders that modern
education are coming up with! Why, they actually have
a
program here that will teach Fido how to talk!"
"That's absolutely amazing!" his father says.
"How do I get
him in that program?"
"Just send him down here with $1000," the boy
says,
"I'll get him into the course."
So, his father sends the dog and the $1000. About
2/3 way
through the semester, the money runs out. The boy calls
his
father again.
"So how's Fido doing, son?" his father asks.
"Awesome, dad, he's talking up a storm," he
says, "but you just
won't believe this - they've had such good results with thisprogram, that they've implemented a new one to teachthe animals how to READ!"
"READ!?" says his father, "No kidding!
What do I have to
do to get him in that program?"
"Just send $2,500, I'll get him in the class."
...And his father sends the money.
At the end of the semester, the boy has a problem. When
he gets
home, his father will find out that the dog can neither talk
nor
read. So he shoots the dog. When he gets home,
his father is
all excited.
"Where's Fido? I just can't wait to hear him
talk and listen
to him read something!"
"Dad," the boy says, "I have some grim
news. This morning, when
I got out of the shower, Fido was in the living room kicking
back
in the recliner, reading the morning paper, like he usually
does.
Then he turned to me and asked, 'So, is your daddy still
messin'
around with that little redhead who lives on Oak Street?'
"
The father says,
"I hope you SHOT that lyin' SOB!"
"I sure did, Dad!"
"That's my boy!"
-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=
--=-=-=-=--=--
Tourists are causing a lot of anxiety -- and are costing
money --
to a tiny village where signs keep disappearing.
What do the signs read? "Welcome to Fucking, Austria."
Pronounced "fooking," the little hamlet of Fucking
is named
after the man who founded the village in the 6th century.
His
name? Focko. (As in "Hey! Watch where you're going,
fooko!")
The town sign has been stolen seven times in the last
few
months. With signs costing several hundred dollars apiece,much of the tiny town's budget is being spent replacing thesigns, says Siegfried Hoeppel, the Mayor of Fucking, (what
a
job to have, huh?) He went on to express his hope that
further
thefts will be avoided through the use of increased concreteand . . . bigger screws.
-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=
-=--=
The preacher was wired for sound with a lapel mike, and
as he
preached, he moved briskly about the platform, jerking the
mike
cord as he went.
Then he moved to one side, getting wound up in the cord
and
nearly tripping before jerking it again.
After several circles and jerks, a little girl in the
third pew
leaned toward her mother and whispered, "If he gets
loose, will
he hurt us?"
-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=
-=--=-=-=-=-=-
Subject:
PP 2000/10
Date:
Wed, 3 May 2000 17:11:20 -0400
From:
"phil proctor" <PProctor@compuserve.com
To:
"A.A.A 3" <pproctor@compuserve.com
(((((((((((((((((((((((PLANET PROCTOR 2000/10 -http://www.planetproctor.com
"Did you know Elian liked to lick my face?"
- Donato Dalrymple, the house
cleaner who rescued the kid on his first-ever fishing trip
(Tim Franklin)
MILLER RULES
One of my oldest
pals, Warren Lyons, sent me this item from his
dad, Leonard's, N.Y. Post column, "The Lyons Den",
back in 1950: Prize
winner Arthur Miller heard someone calling him "Artie,
Artie Miller." A
man approached and said "Remember me, Artie? Mike
Rothman. We were
classmates at Lincoln High School." Miller's recollection
was dim, and the
man began to refresh it.
"What're
you doing now, Artie?" he asked, and Miller said he was
writing plays..."Ever get any produced on Broadway?"
and Miller said he had
one running.
"What's
it called, Artie" the man asked, and was told "Death Of ASalesman."
"Oh,"
said the man, "you're 'Arthur Miller' then!" He shook hisclassmate's hand and said, "I'm glad to meet you, Mr.
Miller."
"The Man Who Had All the Luck"
(and great reviews) is being extended
until June 18th, so if you want to see us, e-mail me for
our new show
dates.)
"I believe in my cosmetics line.
There are plenty of charities for the
homeless. Isn't it time somebody helped the homely?"
- Singer Dolly Parton
THE LANGUAGE OF LOVE
"How
to Say I Love You"
English...........
I Love You
Spanish..........
Te Amo
French...........
Je T'aime
German..........
lch Liebe Dich
Japanese.......
Ai Shite Imasu
Italian.............
Ti Amo
Chinese.........
Wo Ai Ni
Swedish........
Jag Alskar Dig
Alabama, Arkansas,
North Carolina, South Carolina,
Florida, Georgia,
Tennessee, Texas, West Virginia,
Virginia and Kentucky..........Nice
Tits
"Don't Marry - Be Happy!" - L. A. Bumper Sticker
UNMARRIED WITH
CHILDREN
<What Is The
Proper Age To Get Married: "Once I'm done with
kindergarten, I'm going to find me a wife." (Tom, 5) <What Do Most
People Do On A Date: "On the first date, they just
tell each other lies, and that usually gets them interested
enough to go
for a second." (Mike, 9)
<When Is It
Okay To Kiss Someone: "You should never kiss a girl
unless you have enough bucks to buy her a big ring
and her own VCR, cause
she'll want to have videos of the wedding." (Jim, 8) <Why Love Happens
Between Two Particular People: "No one is sure
why it happens, but I heard it has something to do
with how you smell.
That's why perfume and deodorant are so popular." (Jan,
7)
<What Falling
In Love Is Like: "Like an avalanche where you have to
run for your life." (Roger, 9) "If falling
in love is anything like
learning how to spell, I don't want to do it.
It takes too long." (Leo,
7)
<The Role Of
Good Looks In Love: "If you want to be loved by
somebody who isn't already in your family, it doesn't hurt
to be
beautiful." (Jeanne, 8) "Beauty is skin deep.
But how rich you are can
last a long time." (Christi, 9)
<Why Lovers
Often Hold Hands: "They want to make sure their rings
don't fall off because they paid good money for them."
(Dave, 8)
<Confidential
Opinions About Love: "I'm in favor of love as long as
it doesn't happen when 'The Simpsons' is on television."
(Anita, 6) "Love
will find you, even if you are trying to hide from it. I
have been trying
to hide from it since I was five, but the girls keep finding
me." (Bobby,
8) "I'm not rushing into being in love. I'm finding
fourth grade hard
enough." (Regina, 10)
<Qualities
Necessary To Be A Good Lover: "One of you should know
how to write a check. Because even if you have tons of love,
there is still
going to be a lot of bills." (Ava, 8)
<Surefire Ways
To Make A Person Fall In Love With You: "Don't do
things like have smelly, green sneakers. You might
get attention, but
attention ain't the same thing as love." (Alonzo, 9)
"One way is to take
the girl out to eat. Make sure it's something she likes.
French fries
usually work for me." (Bart, 9)
<What Most
People Are Thinking When They Say I Love You: "The
person is thinking, 'Yeah, I really do love him. But
I hope he showers at
least once a day.'" (Michelle, 9)
<How To Make
Love Endure: "Spend most of your time loving instead
of going to work." (Tom, 7) "Be a good kisser.
It might make your wife
forget that you never take out the trash." (Randy,
8)
"Despite all this stuff about feminism
and the ongoing complaint that
men have all the power, in some ways we are better off than
men. We don't
have to get it up." - Betty Freidan in "Life So
Far: A Memoir" (Simon &
Schuster)
NEW GAMES FOR OLD DOGS10. Sag! You're it!
9. Pin the toupee on the bald guy. 8. 20 questions shouted in your good ear. 7. Kick the bucket.
6. Red rover red rover, the nurse says
bend over.
5. Doc doc goose.
4. Simon says something incoherent. 3. Musical recliners.
2. Spin the bottle of Mylanta. (And the
#1 New Game for Old People is:)
1. Hide and go pee. (From Tom Tully)
"I've seen a look in dogs' eyes, a quickly
vanishing look of amazed
contempt, and I am convinced that basically dogs think humans
are nuts." -
John Steinbeck
THAT SINKING
FEELING
There are many stories related
to the sinking of the "Titanic" and
some have just come to light due to the success of the blockbuster
film.
For instance, back in 1912, Hellman's Mayonnaise was manufactured
in
England.
The "Titanic"
was carrying 12,000 jars of the condiment scheduled
for delivery in the next port of call for the great ship
after New York
City, Vera Cruz, Mexico. The Mexican people were eagerly
awaiting delivery,
and they were so disconsolate at the loss that they declared
a national day
of mourning which they still observe today.
It is, of course,
"Sinko de Mayo."
"The students at Yale came from all different
backgrounds and all parts
of the country. Within months, I knew many of them."
- From "A Charge To Keep" by George W.
Bush,1999
ROOT FOR FICUS!
Provocateur/artiste
Michael Moore http://www.michaelmoore.com
recently held a press conference to formally announce a "candidate"
for
Congress -- a Ficus plant. "That's right," he proclaimed,
"we are running a
potted plant for the U.S. House of Representatives. Since
word leaked out
about us trying to get a Ficus on the ballot, over 20 other
people around
the country have also announced campaigns to get Ficuses
elected in their
districts.
We are shooting
all this for "The Awful Truth," and it is our hope
to see Ficuses and other houseplants giving incumbent Congressmen
who face
little or no opposition a run for their money. 95% of all
incumbents get
re-elected and many of them run unopposed. We believe the
country would be
better off with a Ficus tree sitting in Congress than some
of these clowns.
So, check out
our website <http://www.Ficus2000.com and send us a
photo or video of the houseplant YOU are running for Congress
and we'll put
it on our show. Thanks for your help!"
"Learn to act like somebody else, but also be yourself." - from Arthur Elgart's "Model Manual"
HI, NOON!
The Firesign Theatre
has done it again! In our latest CD, "Boom Dot
Bust", we created a Kung Fu Western starring Charlie
Fatt. Now, "Shanghai
Noon" starring Jackie Chan, is due out May 26th! (Ours is funnier,
but they're already writing a sequel...)
"Find a job you love and you'll never have
to work a day in your life."
- Late KFI-AM traffic reporter, MarkDenis
STRIKE! HIT 'EM AGAIN, HARDER!
As I hope everyone
in the nation knows by now, AFTRA/SAG is walking
picket lines to protest the proposed roll-back of pay-per-play
for TV and
radio commercials. The advertisers flat fee offer has been
flatly rejected
and was, it seems to this union member, put forward to counter
our request
that such an single payment per 13-week cycle concept which
has been in
effect for the last 12 years on cable TV, be supplanted by
a similar c
pay-per-play schedule. We also asked that commercials be
encoded for better
tracking - something the agencies definitely want to avoid! But what I have
not heard expressed is the principal that created
residuals in the first place; namely, that an advertiser
is buying an
artist's exclusivity to represent only his product.
Remove the monetary
incentive, and I think we should be free to sell any and
all tooth pastes,
dot.coms or gas guzzlers we want to compensate for the loss
in revenue.
And let's face
it, as long as celebrities ("stunt casting") are
allowed to pull down six to seven figures for commercial
buyouts, shelling
out a fair commensurate wage to us lesser artisans will remain
an issue!
It's MADNE$$!!!
A reader of Steve
Harvey's "Only in L.A." put it best, however,
when he said that he was considering not watching commercials
to support
the strikers. What a sacrifice!
"Hey, hey, ho, ho! Corporate greed
has to go!" - Chant on the strike
line
SO SORRY
A crash reduces/Your expensive computer/To a simple stone.
A file
that big?/It might be very useful/But now it is gone.
Windows NT crashed/I am the Blue Screen of Death/No
one hears your
screams.
Yesterday it worked/Today
it is not working./Windows is like that.
First snow, then silence./This thousand
dollar screen dies/So
beautifully.
With searching comes loss/And the presence of
absence:/"My Novel" not
found.
Three things are certain:/Death, taxes, and lost data./Guess
which has
occurred?
Serious error.All shortcuts have disappeared.
Screen. Mind. Both are blank.
(Uncredited Haiku from Steve
Sandoz)
"A species goes out of existence every 20
seconds. Surely a new species
must come into existence every 20 seconds." - Idaho
Representative Helen
Chenoweth
A REAL COCK UP
Larry Belling
writes that his wife, Davina and he went to the
Seychelles Islands in 1969 and as part of the holiday, a
number of old
movies a were shown weekly in a tacky outdoor theatre in
the center of
Victoria, projected onto a couple of white sheets sewn together. "On arrival",
says Larry, "we picked up the local Seychelles
Bulletin which proclaimed that that week's film would be
'The Comedy Man'
starring Kenneth More and Dennis Prick. Thinking that the
actor 'Dennis
Price' would not be amused, I was heartened to see a retraction
in the
following week's issue.
'We are sorry
that we were wrong about the name of the star of the
movie. It should have read Penis Price.'"
Patient: "Doctor,
you've got to help me. Every night I get the urge
to go downstairs and stick my dick into the biscuit tin.
What's wrong with
me?"
Doctor: "You're
fucking crackers." - Brit comic, Tommy Cooper
AND G'DAY FROM
L.A.
"I've been in one place
for too long. I'm sitting here in Los
Angeles getting soft. Twenty seven years old, balding and
without a shred
of inspiration; petting my cat, thinking about exercise,
never reading a
good script. I haven't even had a decent dream in months." (Nicholas Cage,
quoted by The Curmudgeon in "Funny Times")
"HELL NO, WE WON'T V.O." - Danny Mann
+++++++++++(5/3/2000)++++++++++
* FIRESIGN SITE: www.firesigntheatre.com
* FIRESIGN PRODUCT: www.lodestone-media.com
* FUNNY TIMES: www.funnytimes.com
PLANET PROCTOR (C) 2000 by Phil Proctor
.- - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - -
----------------
http://funandmagic.com/paid2surf.html
FEED THE HUNGRY and FIGHT CANCER. Corporate sponsors pay if you click on a button, like a
cyberwalk for donations http://www.twoscoops.com/giving.htmlHelp get Cleaner and Greener Cars at http://greencar.policy.net/
Subject:
Spanish Iridium Sunset, Hawaiian Lava Time Lapse
Date:
Tue, 02 May 2000 12:04:08 -0700
From:
"Magic Mike" <mmb
Organization:
http://funandmagic.com/
To:
"you" <mmb
Hi,
Two great photos for your desktop at http://funandmagic.com/photolinks2.htm
are Sunset in
Spain with a glint off an Iridium satellite. This photo is
an example of why you should
make your desktop color black under ControlPanel/ Display/Appearance.
Click the little
colored button and choose black. The Lava photo is stunning
too. Can't decide which to
use? Download Panorama free from the Free, Useful, Utilities
page.
Please stop by the page and let me send you
a water filter
for the top of your sink. Easy to install or take with you,
it comes with a 30 money back
guarantee from the manufacturer, and has a 25 year warranty.
It does 750 gallons for 6
cents a gallon. I GUARANTEE it will make your tap water
the best water you ever tasted.
If you live in a really bad area, we can add a reverse osmosis
filter. I'll send it COD if
you write me back and leave me your phone number. You can
have a 30 day money back
guarantee trial. What do you have to lose, except 6 cents
a gallon? That's cheap enough to
use when you boil noodles or potatoes, so the bad stuff does
become trichloromethanes and
trichloropasta.
--
Have a magic day and pass it on.
Magic Mike http://funandmagic.com/
* Sarchasm: The gulf between the author of sarcastic
wit and the reader
who doesn't get it.
* Reintarnation: Coming back to life as a hillbilly.* Giraffiti: Vandalism spray-painted very high.* Foreploy: Any misrepresentation about yourself for
the purpose of
obtaining sex.
* Inoculatte: To take coffee intravenously.* Osteopornosis: A degenerate disease.
* Karmageddon: It's like, when everybody is sending
off all these
really bad vibes, right? And then, like, the Earth
explodes and it's
like a serious bummer.
* Glibido: All talk and no action.
* Dopeler effect: The tendency of stupid ideas to seem
smarter when
they come at you rapidly.
* Intaxication: Euphoria at getting a refund from the
IRS, which lasts
until you realize it was your money to start with.
And, best of all...
* Ignoranus: A person who's both stupid and an a**hole.
.- - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - -
.- - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - -
.- - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - -
Red Buttons, appearing on Dennis Miller's Show, announced
he was 80
years old but that 80 is not "old." Red explained:
"Old" is when your friends compliment you on
your new alligator shoes
and you're barefoot.
"Old" is when the porn you bring home is "Debby
Does Dialysis."
"Old" is when your doctor doesn't give you x-rays
anymore but just holds
you up to the light.
"Old" is when a sexy babe catches your fancy and
your pacemaker opens
the garage door nearest your car.
"Old" is when you remember when the Dead Sea was
only sick.
"Old" is when your wife says "let's go upstairs
and make love," and you
answer, "honey, I can't do both!"
-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=
-
Bumper Stickers:
All the world's a stage, and I missed rehearsalConstant change is here to stay
Couldn't afford to fix my brakes, so I made my horn louderDanger! Attention Span Exceeded!
Dark is faster than light, otherwise you would see it.Do it right the first time, and maybe I'll let you do it
again.
Don't shake me, don't wake me, just take me!
Early bird gets the worm, but the second mouse gets the cheeseFive years from now, will they have a Soviet Reunion?Heck is reserved for those who don't believe in Gosh.I'm getting tired, why don't YOU try being perfect for awhile?I'm happily married - but my wife isn't
I'm not cheap, but I am on special this week
I'm too busy to insult you, but your humiliation is important.
Please hold.
I almost had a psychic girlfriend but she left me before
we met
I drive way too fast to worry about cholesterol
I had way to much to dream last night
I intend to live forever - so far, so good
I love defenseless animals, especially in a good gravyI saw it in a cartoon, but I'm pretty sure I can do it...I stepped on a Tetanus needle today.... now what?I thought about being born again, but my mother refused.I wanted to be a comedian but everyone laughed at meI will defend to your death your right to my opinion.I'd talk longer, but you're not as interesting as I amI'm a virgin. I'm just not very good at it.
I'm amoral, and it's been bothering my conscienceIf at first you don't succeed, redefine success.
If it breaks, make it bigger - if it sticks out, chrIf it's not violent or naked, what good is it?
If we can't stop censorship now, we're f*cked
If you ain't makin' waves, you ain't kickin' hard enough!If you call me insane again, I'll eat your other eyeIf you can't enjoy yourself, enjoy somebody else.If you can't win by reason, go for volume
In case of rape, this end up
Inside every fat person is a thin person. The fat one ate
him.
Kneel as you are in the presence of Greatness.
Make sure Reality is not twisted after insertion.Mental backup in progress - Do Not Disturb!
Mind Like A Steel Trap - Rusty And Illegal In 37 StatesMost people make sense. I'm not one of them.
My other car has a siren
My other car is coming up behind you
One nation, under God, with Liberty, large fries, and a Coke
to go
Oral sex is the answer - the question doesn't matterPublic opinion is what people think other people are thinking.Quick!! Act as if nothing has happened!
Robin Hood was a terrorist
Seen it all, done it all, can't remember most of itShake well before and after use
Sling another savior on the cross for me
Televangelists: The Pro Wrestlers of religion.
The computer revolution is over. They won.
The only substitute for good manners is fast reflexes.The world is coming to an end. Insert 25¢ to continue.To some it's a six-pack. To me it's a support group.Vampires give *killer* hickeys
Work VS wife - After 10 years, work still sucks
You dyslexic batsard!
You should hardly ever equivocate.
An intelligent dyslexic is smucking fart
Art imitates my life
Bad command or file name. You have 2 wishes left.BLAM! BLAM! BLAM! click click here
All answers subject to change after you leave
Am I gay? Well, bend over and let's find out
Anti, hell! I'm the Uncle-Christ!
Anxiety - Nature's way of getting you up in the morningsAny religion that rejects coffee worships a false godAnything good in life is illegal, immoral or long diAthiests have no one to talk to during sex
Beautiful girls don't bother me, dammit
Bombs don't kill people, explosions kill people
Broke all the commandments, still bored
Budget - A method for going broke methodically
Bungie jumping off the edge of sanity
C:\ The stick shift of computing
Celibacy is the worst form of self-abuse
Common sense is what tells you the world is flat
Could I kill a woman? I guess, but it'd take weeksCute rots the intellect
Damned in the crib and just got bigger
Deadlines amuse me
Do it whenever, regularity is for bowels
Don't be sexist. Broads hate that.
-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=--=-=
http://funandmagic.com/paid2surf.html
FEED THE HUNGRY and FIGHT CANCER. Corporate sponsors pay if you click on
a button, like a
cyberwalk for donations http://www.twoscoops.com/giving.htmlHelp get Cleaner and Greener Cars at http://greencar.policy.net/
Subject:
Hot lava close-up, North America Nebula
Date:
Mon, 01 May 2000 08:37:05 -0700
From:
"Magic Mike" <mmb
Organization:
http://funandmagic.com/
To:
"you" <mmb
Hi,
Two exciting photos for your desktop collection
today are at
http://funandmagic.com/photolinks2.htm . One is called the North
American Nebula because it has
the shape of the continent. The other is a close-up of lava
entering the ocean, in a
spectacular display of color. Use the slideshows to see all
all your photos.
As a self-employed single person, health insurance
isn't pretty. I am paying too much
for Blue Cross medical and dental. Can anyone recommend a
good alternative for Washington
State?
Get yourself one of my state of the art water
filters. If you don't have a filter, you
are the filter. I will knock $50 off for you, and you'll
have cleanest water for 6 cents a
gallon.
Have a magic day and pass it on.
Magic Mike
ALL I NEED TO KNOW ABOUT LIFE I LEARNED FROM SHOPPING
1. Get it now. Tomorrow it might be gone.
2. If it's on sale, you need it.
3. Never ask your mother her opinion.
4. You can always take it back.
5. You'll grow into it.
6. By the time you need it, you'll lose ten pounds.7. Never believe anyone who says, "It's really you".8. If they're working on commission, they're lying.9. Know when to yell, "Charge!"
10. So many malls, so little time.
11. If you put it on your credit card, it's not really spending
money.
12. Always try to spend someone else's money first.13. There's no such thing as compulsive shopping, just enthusiasticshopping.14. Shopping is patriotic. It's good for the economy.15. If you've still got checks, there must be money in the
account.
16. You can always get more credit.
17. If you want it, you deserve it.
-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=
-=-=-
You know you are broke if......
1. American Express calls and says: "Leave home without it!"
2. Your idea of a 7-course meal is taking a deep breath outside a restaurant.
3. You're formulating a plan to rob the food bank.
4. You've rolled so many pennies, you've formed
a psychic bond with Abe
Lincoln.
5. Long distance companies don't call you to switch anymore.
6. You look at your roommate and see a large fried chicken in tennis shoes.
7. Your rob Peter...and then rob Paul.
8. You finally clean your house, hoping to find change.
9. You think of a lottery ticket as an investment
{or retirement planning
... }
10. Your bologna has no first name.
11. You give blood everyday ... just for the orange juice.
12. Sally Struther's sends you food.
13. McDonald's supplies you with all your kitchen condiments.
14. At communion you go back for seconds.
-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=
-=-=-=-=
Two good Montana buddies were out hunting for a cougar
that
was killing their sheep. They staked out an area of the woodsnear their fields, and waited.
After a while, sure enough, there came the cougar. They
patiently waited
until it was close, and then they both jumped up and shot
it at the same
time. They couldn't tell whose bullet had taken the cougar's
life!
They decided to share the credit, and also to have the
cougar stuffed, and
they decided to take turns keeping the stuffed cougar.
However, this arrangement turned out not to be to their
liking. Instead,
they decided to divide the stuffed cougar in two, and flip
a coin for who
would get which end.
Bill lost, and ended up with a mounted trophy of the cougar's
rear. So
even though shooting the cougar was a great sporting victory,
Bill
thought, ... it was nothing but a catastrophe.
-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=
-=-=-=-=-=
Joe and Frank were in the office, and noticed that someone
had put up a
suggestion box with some 3x5 cards next to it. Both decided
that this was
a great idea, and each took a card to fill out.
Joe wrote,
"The office workers should all be given raises!"
When he looked at Frank's card, it said
"Can we all have raises, and keys to the executive
washroom, and personal
secretaries, and new company cars, and new coffee cups, andlonger lunch breaks, and an extra three weeks vacation each
year, and a
holiday on St. Patricks Day, and Columbus Day and Martin
Luther Kings
Birthday?"
Joe said,
"Frank, that isn't the right way of getting things
changed around here. .
. . You shouldn't put all of your begs in one ask-it."
-=--=-=-=-=-=--=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=
Subject: Kids and Love!
In a survey of 4-8 year olds, kids share their viewson love. But what do little kids know about love?Read on and be surprised that despite their
young and innocent minds, kids already have a simplebut deep grasp of that four-letter word.
"Love is that first feeling you feel before all the
bad
stuff gets in the way.
When my grandmother got arthritis, she couldn't bendover and paint her toenails anymore. So my grandfatherdoes it for her all the time, even when his hands gotarthritis too. That's love.
When someone loves you, the way she says your name isdifferent. You know that your name is safe in hermouth.
God could have said magic words to make the nails falloff the cross, but He didn't. That's love.
Love is when a girl puts on perfume and a boy puts onshaving cologne and they go out and smell each other.
Love is what makes you smile when you're tired.
Love is what's in the room with you at Christmas ifyou stop opening presents for a minute and look
around.
Love is hugging. Love is kissing. Love is saying no.
When you tell someone something bad about yourself andyou're scared she won't love you anymore. But then youget surprised because not only does she still loveyou, she loves you even more.
Love is when you tell a guy you like his shirt, thenhe wears it everyday.
Love is like a little old woman and a little old manwho are still friends even after they've know eachother so well.
Love comes from people's hearts, but God made hearts."
-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=
-=-=-=-=-=-=-=
-=-
Rumors have been circulating regarding what the trooperswere shouting after they found the man hiding Elian Gonzalezin a closet during the raid of the house that was illegallyholding him.
Some people claim they were shouting, "Bingo! Bingo!
Bingo!"
Others claim it was, "Score! Score! Score!"
But we at Shagmail know what was really said. When thetrooper ripped open the closet door and was brought face
to
face with the fisherman holding Elian, he shouted, "Drop
the
Chalupa!"
-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=
-=-=-=
THE NOSE PICKING GUIDE
THE KIDDIE PICK:
When your by yourself and uninhibently twist your forefinger
into your
nostril with childlike joy and freedom. And the best part
is there is no
limit.
CAMOUFLAGED KIDDIE PICK:
When in the presence of other people, you wrap forefinger
in a tissue, then
thrust it in deep and hold back the smile.
FAKE NOSE SCRATCH:
When you make believe you've got an itch but your really
trolling the
nostril edge for stray boogers.
MAKING A MEAL OUT OF IT:
You do it so furiously, and for so long your probably entitled
to dessert.
SURPRISE PICKINGS:
When a sneeze or laugh causes snot to come hurtling out of
your nose and
you have to gracefully clean it off your shirt.
AUTOPICK:
The kind you do in a car when no ones looking.
PICK YOUR BRAINS:
Done in private this is the one where your finger goes in
so far it passes
the septum.
PICK AND SAVE:
When you have to pick it quickly, just when someone looks
away, and than
you pocket the snot so they don't catch on to what you did.
PICK AND ROLL:
No explanation needed.
PICK AND FLICK:
Ditto.
PICK AND STICK:
You wanted it to be a "PICK AND FLICK" but it stubbornly
clings to your
fingertip.
PAYDIRT:
The kind when you remove a piece of snot so big it improves
your breathing
by 90%.
-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=---=-
The letter from the Air Force colonel in charge of safety
said
that rocket boosters weighing more than 300,000 pounds "havean explosive force upon surface impact that is sufficient
to
exceed the accepted overpressure threshold of physiologicaldamage for exposed personnel."
In other words, if a 300,000-pound booster rocket falls
on
someone, he or she will die.
--=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=--=-=-=-=-=-
A young boy came to Sunday School late. His teacher knewthat he was usually very prompt and asked him if anything
was
wrong.
The boy replied no, that he was going fishing but his
dad told
him that he needed to go to church. The teacher was veryimpressed and asked the boy if his dad had explained to himwhy it was more important to go to church than to go fishing,
To which the boy replied, yes he did, dad said he didn't
have
enough bait for both of us.
-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=
-
Some new billboards are getting attention in Cleveland.Some
reported seeing
one or two messages, but the newspaper listed all of them.
Here's a list of
all variations of the "God Speaks"
billboards.
The billboards are
a simple black background with
white text. No
fine print or sponsoring organization is
included.
Let's meet at my house Sunday before the game.
-God
C'mon over and bring the kids.
-God
What part of "Thou
Shalt Not..." didn't you
understand?
-God
We need to talk.
-God
Keep using my name
in vain, I'll make rush hour
longer.
-God
Loved the wedding, invite me to the marriage.
-God
That "Love Thy Neighbor" thing... I meant it.
-God
I love you and you and you and you and...
-God
Will the road you're on get you to my place?
-God
Follow me.
-God
Big bang theory, you've got to be kidding.
-God
My way is the highway.
-God
Need directions?
-God
You think it's hot here?
-God
Have you read my
#1 best seller? There will be a
test.
-God
Do you have any idea where you're going?
-God
(And my personal
favorite...)
Don't make me come down there.
-God
--
Have a magic day and pass it on.
Magic Mike http://funandmagic.com/
.- - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - -
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