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Magic Mike's Jokes Archive #23
Jokes from the mailbox, Magic Mailouts, NASA space
photo links and other great wallpaper photos,
and Firesign Phil's Planet Proctor Orbits
Back to Joke Archive
Entry Magic Mike's Joke
Page Parlor Magic Mike's Home
Page
These jokes are to laugh at ourselves, so please
do not take offense.
"Since all phenomena, is a product of one's
own mind, empty of meaning, like a magician's illusion,
having nothing to do with good or bad, acceptance or rejection, one might
burst out in laughter."
- Longchenpa, 13th century Tibetan monk.
Subject: Space and lava pics cleanest
water, Planet Proctor from Hollywood
Date: Thu,
27 Apr 2000 00:40:18 -0700
From: "Magic
Mike" <mmb
Organization: http://funandmagic.com/ To:
"you" <mmb
Hi,
I have some nice photos for you today, Cygnus
Loop filaments, Reflection Nebula, and a
big lava burst from Hawaii. http://funandmagic.com/photolinks2.htm
.
Firesign Theater's Phil Proctor sends his Planet Orbit at
the bottom. I enjoyed his Want
to Join The Club??? I penned some of my own and he said add
'em!!
I have created a new domain to tell people about
water at .
You know, there is far too much in the water to be safe if
you are on a municipal water
supply. Wells are not always safe from agricultural and industrial
run-off, and if you are
buying bottled water you are paying far to much for water
not guaranteed. These filters
give you the cleanest water, and for ONLY SIX CENTS A GALLON.
If you have one of those
cute nationally advertised brands, you have an expensive
toy. My solid block filter
actually has cheaper refills, and IS a SOLID block. It takes
out everything bigger than a
half micrometer and bonds 98-99% of the chemicals. You can't
get any finer filter, except
my reverse osmosis filter. Add to that, a whole house filter
and you have CLEANEST WATER.
Not only is my filter cheaper, I'll take off $50 for you.
How's
that? Write me or call me today and save $50. Stop eating
and r with
cancerous chemicals and toxins. Have peace of mind AND save
money. If you want one for
FREE, tell me. I'll show you how to sell three and yours
is free.
Have a magic day and pass it on.
Magic Mike
Two elderly couples were enjoying friendly conversation
when
one of the men asked the other, "Fred, how was the memoryclinic you went to last month?"
"Outstanding," Fred replied. "They taught
us all the latest
psychological techniques: visualization, association, etc.It was great."
"That is great! And what was the name of the clinic?"
Fred went blank. He thought and thought, but couldn'tremember. Then a smile broke across his face and he asked,"What do you call that flower with the long stem and thorns?"
"You mean a rose?" His friend replied.
"Yes, that's it!" Said Fred, then turning to
his wife,
"Rose, what was the name of that memory clinic?"
-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=
-
Over breakfast one morning, a woman said to her husband,
"I
bet you don't know what day this is."
"Of course I do," he indignantly answered,
going out the door to
the office.
At 10 AM, the doorbell rang, and when the woman opened
the
door, she was handed a box containing a dozen long
stemmed
red roses.
At 1 PM, a foil wrapped , two pound box of her favoritechocolates arrived.
Later, a boutique delivered a designer dress. The
woman
couldn't wait for her husband to come home . "First
the flowers
then the chocolates, and then the dress!" she exclaimed.
"I've
never had a more wonderful 'Arbor Day' in all my life!"
-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=
-=-=
Subject:
PP 2000/9
Date:
Tue, 25 Apr 2000 14:39:19 -0400
From:
"phil proctor" <PProctor@compuserve.com
To:
"A.A.A 3" <pproctor@compuserve.com
((((((((((((((( PLANET PROCTOR 2000/9 - http://www.planetproctor.com
"Why is it that all of the
instruments seeking intelligent life in
the universe are pointed away from Earth?" - from Patty
Paul
THE PLAY THAT
HAD ALL THE LUCK
Arthur Miller's
first Broadway play, "The Man Who Had All the
Luck", written in 1944 at the age of 25, has received
excellent local
reviews in its first American revival in over 55 years. "If you don't
think smart actors can invigorate [a] play, just
swing over to the Ivy Substation in Culver City [for this]
vibrantly acted
production...[It's] fascinating to trace lifelong Miller
obsessions
brother-brother and father-son issues...back to this early
work. And
there's such zip and commitment in the co-production.
Mainly,
producer-director Dan Fields has found the actors he needed
to make "All
the Luck" work on its own terms...rooted in real life."
- Michael Phillips,
L.A. Times, 4/19/00
"Dusting
off this timeless parable about destiny and hope, and
gracing it with the fortuitous combination of Dan Fields'
enchanting
direction and the efforts of a sterling ensemble, the Antaeus
Company
unearths a bona-fide treasure." - Les Spindle, Back
Stage West, 4/20/00
You can see me
as the father and Melinda as flighty Aunt Belle for
the rest of April on Thu. 4/27 Fri. 4/28 (PP only); and in
MAY: Fri. 5/5
Sun. 5/7 Thu. 5/11 Sat. 5/13 Fri. 5/19 Sun. 5/21,
(8pm weekdays, 7pm
Sundays).
The show runs
two and a half hours with intermission at the Ivy
Substation, 9070 Venice Blvd., just West of Robertson at
Culver Blvd.,
with ample parking behind the building. FOR RESERVATIONS:
(818) 506-8462
"The first portal website dedicated to Amish
lifestyle, tourism and
shopping is now available at http://Amish.Net. It's steam-operated..." - Phil's PhunnyFacts
WANT TO JOIN.
. .
The German philosophy
club? - I. Kant.
The Ford-Nixon
club? - Pardon me?
The Arafat club?
- Yassir.
The Alzheimers
club? - Forget it.
The Ebert movie
club? - Roger.
The Groucho Marx
club? - You bet your life!
The Peter Pan
club? - Never, never.
The Japanese theatre
club? - Noh.
The Quarterback
club? - I'll pass.
The Compulsive
Rhymers' club? - Okey-dokey.
The Spanish Optometrists'
club? - Si.
The Antiperspirant
club? - Sure.
The Pregnancy
club? - Conceivably.
The Procrastinators'
club? - Maybe next week.
The Self-esteem
Builders club? - They wouldn't accept me anyway.
The Agoraphobics
Society? - Only if they can meet at my house.
The Co-dependency
club? - Can I bring my mother?
The Prayer group?
- God willing!
The Athiests'
club? - I don't believe so.
The Agnostics'
club? - I think not.
Added by Magic Mike:
The Email Club? Send my regrets.
The Check Cashers Club? - Only if there are no bouncers.The HOV Lane Club? - Must bring 2 or more friends.The Speeders Club? - Here's your ticket.
The Philatelists Club? - It's got my stamp of approval.The Anti-Round World Club? - a flat no!
The Salem Witch Burners Club? - Sorry, it's disenchanting.The Magicians Club? - No one would appear.
The Angry Comic Club? - Stand in the punch line.
The Masturabator's Club? Beat it!
The Bulemia Club? Eat it!
The Jean Paul Sarte Club? I think so!
"Prior to its abrupt conclusion this
week, the Miami family in the Elian
Gonzales case had appealed to President Clinton to intervene,
but he
declined since the last time he decided where to put a Cuban,
he was almost
impeached."
- Internet joke.
ELIAN AND ON
AND ON...
Writer Dean Christopher,
one of my wildest friends (think of that),
sent me this:
"Hey Phil,
Now here's my plan. I say we make it an immediate policy
to take in ALL kids who wash up on our shores. In fact, we
should go out
aggressively and round them up. Announce to the world that
we're giving
away unlimited ice cream, puppies, and backwards baseball
caps. That way
we'll get the flower of the youth of the world, and in 20
years they won't
have anyone left on their own beaches to fight their wars
-- which means we
can conquer China without firing a shot, and stop the flood
of drugs into
our country, because all they'll have left in Colombia and
Peru is elderly
men and zygotes to load their cocaine on the donkeys. I plan to refine
this strategy and e-mail it to <pentagon.gov.
Maybe they'll listen this time. They ignored my plan to release
the US
hostages in Tehran -- brilliant in its simplicity: a fleet
of Hueys would
overfly the massed "students" in the plaza outside
the Embassy and spray
them with Pork Liqueur -- anathema to devout Shi'ites. In the resulting
confusion and horror it would have been child's
play for Delta Force to spirit away the prisoners. This program
(code named
"Trafe From Above") was forwarded to important
agencies of the US Gov't. I
never heard back from them, but at least I had the satisfaction
of knowing
that I had tried to do my part -- because I'm an American,God...damn...it!"
"This year will go down in history. For the
first time a civilized nation
has full gun control. Our streets will be safer, our police
more efficient,
and the world will follow our lead into the future."
- Adolf Hitler, 1933
APRIL FULL April CDs offered
from NARAS for Grammy consideration include:
Dame Clara Butt; "Classical Music for your Cat or Dog";
The Mad Professor,
Puls Der Zeit presents a "Dub Confrontation in Berlin
at Checkpoint
Charlie", and from Haysi Fantazee: "Battle Hymns
for Children Singing."
Then, from the
"Sur La Table" summer 2000 catalogue:
"Green Crackle
Plates and Blue Pub Glasses, Fish Pliers and
Flounder Plates, Italian Tin Trays, Barn Platters, Galvanized
Wine Coolers,
Honey and Cabbage Plates, Squeezable Pepper Balls, Chocolate
Breaking
Forks, Multi-colored Butter Bell Crocks and Bunny Dishes,
Air Pots,
Anodized Ice Cream Bowls, -- and a Pear Hare Tray."
Or, get the "World's
Smartest Fork!" with a built-in thermo-meat-ter!
Order Now!!
In regards to Kathleen Turner appearing nude
in the Broadway adaptation
of "The Graduate", I have one word for you: "Plastic-surgery."
- pproctor
PASSOVER IS OVER, BUT PASS IT ALONG
Stan Kegel
writes that at the seder table, every Jewish child is
retold the story of Moses and the Pharoah, and how God brought
boils,
locusts, hail and the other plagues onto the Egyptians. Yet in spite of
this overwhelming evidence of God's intentions,
Pharoah refused to let the Jews go until a tenth plague,
the death of the
first-born children, was inflicted on every Egyptian home,
but passing over
the Jewish domiciles. Only after this tragedy did the
Pharoah relent and
let the Jews leave slavery and Egypt to begin their journey
to the promised
land.
This has been
known for generations. What has not been known is why
the Pharoah, in the face of such overwhelming evidence would
refuse to
release the Jews after the first nine plagues. It took eight
years of
research studying the Dead Sea Scrolls by innumerable Talmudic
scholars
before discovering the answer, and once found, it was obvious:
The Pharoah
was still in de Nile.
"Vinton G. Cerf is generally credited with
being the "father" of the
internet. That may have something to do with the common
description of
"surfing the net". - Jeff Levy, L.A. Times
CONTEST IT,
IF YOU WILL...
A contest was
held (somewhere - help!) for people to submit their
theories on ANY subject, and these are the winners: Probability Theory:
If an infinite number of hunters riding in an
infinite number of pickup trucks fire an infinite number
of shotgun rounds
at an infinite number of highway signs, they will eventually
produce all
the world's great literary works in Braille.
Bio-Mechanics:
Yawning is contagious because one yawns to equalize
the pressure on the eardrums and the pressure change outside
the eardrums
unbalances other people's ear pressures, so they must yawn
to even it out.
Symbolic Logic:
Communist China is technologically underdeveloped
because they have no phonetic alphabet and therefore cannot
use acronyms to
communicate technical ideas at a faster rate.
Newtonian Mechanics:
The earth spins faster on its axis due to
deforestation, since just as a figure skater's rate of spin
increases when
the arms are brought in close to the body, the cutting of
tall trees is
causing planet Earth to spin increasingly faster. Soon,
we will all be
launched into space.
Linguistics: The
quantity of consonants in the English language is
constant, and when omitted in one place, turn up in another.
For example,
when a New Englander "Pahks his cah," the lost
R's migrate southwest,
causing a Texan to "warsh" his car and invest in
"erl wells." Q.E.D.
And finally, the
Grand Prize Winner, Perpetual Motion: It is widely
known that when a cat is dropped, it always lands on its
feet, and when
toast is dropped, it always lands buttered side down, so
it was proposed to
strap giant slabs of hot buttered toast to the back of a
hundred tethered
cats. As the two opposing forces will cause the cats
to hover, spinning
inches above the ground, one could employ an array of buttered
toast and
cats to power a high-speed monorail that could easily link
New York with
Chicago.
"My dog is worried about the economy because
Alpo is up to 99 cents a
can. That's almost $7.00 in dog money." - Joe Weinstein
LET'S LOOK
AT THE NUMBERS
According to a
column entitled "Bringing up the Rear" by Robert
Sherrill in The Nation magazine, 1/24/00, the state of Texas,
under the
leadership of Governor George W. Bush, is ranked 50th in
spending for
teachers' salaries, 49th in spending on the environment,
48th in per-capita
funding for public health, 47th in delivery of social services,
46th in
spending on police protection, 45th in spending on public
libraries, 42nd
in child-support collections, 41st in per-capita spending
on public
education - BUT -- 9th in spending on prisons, 5th in percentage
of
population living in poverty, 5th in births to teenage mothers
(but 45th in
supplying prenatal care), 2nd in prison population, and FIRST
in air and
water pollution, percentage of poor working parents
and children without
health insurance, and in executions -- averaging one a week,
every two
weeks, over his five-years in office.
"You know, the Washington Post just
reported that I got Cs and Ds in my
sophomore year, but they failed to report that that was also
the year I
invented the bong." - Rejected quip for Al Gore by presidential
joke-writer
Mark Katz, as reported in The New Yorker, 4/24/00.
$INK OR $WIM? A few weeks ago
in Havana, Fidel Castro painted a vivid image of
the earth as a massive liner before more than a 100 leaders
of the Third
World, representing 5 billion of the world'sd 6 billion people: "Trifling
minorities are traveling in luxurious cabins furnished
with the Internet, cell phones, and access to global communicationsnetworks while 85% of the passengers in this ship are crowded
together in
its dirty hold, suffering hunger, diseases, and helplessness.
This vessel
is carrying too much injustice to remain afloat. And
if it sinks, we would
all sink with it."
He's truly a titanic
speaker.
"The camp of the hamburger is
that of planetary liberal-socialism, when
man is only an object of production and consumption, the
elementary unit of
the consumerist planning of markets." - French spokesmen
for the
anti-McDonald's movement of Le Pen's radical National Front.
ON SHAKY GROUNDS Edna and Bill
were two residents of a nursing home who had been
carrying on a love affair. They were both 96 years old and
wheelchair
bound. Every night they would meet in the TV room. Edna would
passively
hold Bill's pecker and they would watch TV for an hour or
so. It wasn't
much, but it was all they had.
One night Bill
didn't show up. He didn't show up for the next two
nights either. Edna assumed he was dead, but when she saw
him happily
wheeling about the grounds, she confronted him and said,
"Where were you
these past couple of nights?"
He replied, "If
you must know, I was with another woman."
"Bastard!"
she cried. "What were you doing?"
"We do the
exact same thing that you and I do," he said.
"Is she prettier
or younger than I am?" she asked.
"Nope, she
looks the same, and she's 98 years old."
"Well then,
what does she have that I don't?" Edna asked.
Bill smiled and
said, "Parkinson's disease."
"Dr Alex Comfort, author of 'The Joy
of Sex' has died, after a series of
strokes." - London Times, March 28th
ADIEU, YOU TWO
Broadway producer
Alexander Cohen wheezed his last at the age of 79
after 60 years of mounting plays on the Great White way.
I had the pleasure
of working with him as one of the Morgan brothers in the
musical adaptation
of the heart-breaking Welsh mining classic, "The Corn
Is Green", in "A Time
for Singing." He is survived by his dynamic partner,
Hildy Brooks.
And Edward St.
John Gorey, an artist celebrated for his macabre
sense of everything, and who I, at least, always thought
was English -- he
actually lived a hermitic life in Yarmouth, Mass, amongst
books and cats --
passed over at the age of 75.
In response to
a question regarding his fascination with the Dark
Side, he quipped, "I write about everyday life..."
"Autopsy Planned on Boy, 15, Who Died" - L.A. Times Headline
LIFE AFTER...?
And as we approach
the brink of an AFTRA/SAG strike against the Ad
industry, I would be remiss if I didn't tell you that Melinda
and I were
called in last week to make out together for a Dot Com that
caters to
silverbacks.
She got a call
back...
"He is so powerful, he had final cut on his
own circumcision."
- Robin Williams
on Hollywood Titan Steven
Spielberg.
+++++++++++(4/5/2000)++++++++++
*
FIRESIGN SITE: www.firesigntheatre.com
*
FIRESIGN PRODUCT: www.lodestone-media.com
*
FUNNY TIMES: www.funnytimes.com
PLANET PROCTOR (C) 2000 by Phil Proctor
--
Have a magic day and pass it on.
Magic Mike http://funandmagic.com/
.- - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - -
----------------
http://funandmagic.com/paid2surf.html
http://cleanestwater.bizland.com/FEED THE HUNGRY and FIGHT CANCER. Corporate sponsors pay if you click on a button, like a
cyberwalk for donations http://www.twoscoops.com/giving.htmlHelp get Cleaner and Greener Cars at http://greencar.policy.net/
Subject:
Lava, In Love
Date:
Fri, 21 Apr 2000 09:43:09 -0700
From:
"Magic Mike" <mmb
Organization:
http://funandmagic.com/
To:
"you" <mmb
Hi,
Here's another great lava photo from Hawaii.
http://funandmagic.com/photolinks2.htm .
There is a new movie out called "George Lucas In Love".
We also had "Shakespeare In Love"
and many others in the past such as "Shelock Holmes
In Love".
I predict we will see more, such as:
"Albert Einstein In Love" - We learn the true meaning
of MC-squared as Albert tries to
insert his Universal Constant in his new heart-throb."Alan Greenspan In Love" - Who turned the Fed Reserve
chief from a lover of woman to a
lover of money?
"Tonto In Love" - His relationship with the man
who yelled "Hi Yo Silver", forces the
Ranger to don a mask, when he is asked to never show his
face in town again.
"Liberace In Love" - The pianist has an deep
relationship with himself and a candelabra.
"Ted Bundy In Love" - Ted loses it after being
embarrassed at Prom night because he can't
dance.
"Charlie Brown In Love" - The little red-haired
girl and Charlie in a star-crossed,
unrequited love. She tells him to go fly a kite.
Have a magic day and pass it on.
Magic Mike
http://funandmagic.com/
A car was involved in an accident in a street. As
expected a
large crowd gathered. A newspaper reporter, anxious to gethis story could not get near the car.
Being a clever sort, he started shouting loudly, "Let
me
through! Let me through! I am the son of the victim."
The crowd made way for him.
Lying in front of the car was a donkey.
-=--=-=-=-=-=-=-----=
A young couple drove several miles down a country road,
not
saying a word. An earlier discussion had led to an argument,and neither wanted to concede their position.
As they passed a barnyard of mules and pigs, the husbandsarcastically asked, "Are they relatives of yours?"
"Yes," his wife replied. "I married into the family."
-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=
-=--=-=
Whilst enjoying a drink with a mate one night, this blokedecides to try his luck with an attractive young girl sitting
alone
by the bar. To his surprise, she asks him to join her
for a drink
and eventually asks him if he'd like to come back to her
place.
The pair jump into a taxi and as soon as they get back
to her
flat they dive onto the bed and spend the night hard at it.
Finally, the spent young bloke rolls over, pulls out acigarette from his jeans and searches for his lighter. Unable
to
find it, he asks the girl if she has one at hand.
"There might be some matches in the top drawer," she replies.
Opening the drawer of the bedside table, he finds a box
of
matches sitting neatly on top of a framed picture of anotherman. Naturally, the bloke begins to worry. "Is this
your
husband?" he inquires nervously.
"No, silly," she replies, snuggling up to him.
"Your boyfriend then?"
"No, don't be daft," she says, nibbling away at his ear.
"Well, who is he then?" demands the bewildered bloke.
Calmly, the girl takes a match, strikes it across the
side of her
face and replies, "That's me before the operation."
-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=
-=-
A blond, a brunette, and a redhead were trying out for
a new NASA
experiment on sending women to different planets. First,
they called the
brunette in and asked her a question.
"If you could go to any planet, what planet would
you want to goto and
why?"
After pondering the question she answered,
"I would like to goto Mars because it seems so interesting
with all the
recent news about possible extra terrestrial life on the
planet."
They said
"well okay, thank you."
And told her that they would get back to her.
Next, the redhead entered the room and the NASA people
asked her the
same question. In reply,
"I would like to go to Saturn to see all of its rings."
Again, "thank you" and they would get back to her.
Finally, the blond entered the room and they asked her
the same question
they asked the brunette and the redhead.
She thought for awhile and replied,
"I would like to go to the sun."
The people from NASA replied,
"why, don't you know that if you went to the sun you would burn to death?"
The blond smirked and put her hands on her hips.
"Are you guys dumb? I'd go at night!"
-=-=-=-=--=-=--=----=-
A little girl walked daily to and from school.Though the weather one morning was questionable and clouds
were forming, she made the
daily trek to the elementary school. As the day progressed,
the winds whipped up, along
with thunder and lightning. The mother was worried
that her daughter would be frightened
walking back home from school, and she herself feared the
electrical storm might cause her
harm. Following each roar of the thunder, lightning
would cut through the sky like a
flaming sword. Being very concerned, the mother got
into her car and drove along the
route to the school.
Soon she saw her small child walking along. The
thunder would boom, and then, at each
flash of lightning, the child would stop, look and smile.
One followed another, each time
with her child stopping, looking up at the streak of light
and smiling.
Finally, the mother called out and asked, "Honey, what
are you doing?" Her little girl
answered, "God keeps taking pictures of me!"
-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=
-=
Saint Peter was manning the Pearly Gates when forty people
from New York City showed up.
Never having seen anyone from the Big Apple at heaven's door,
Saint Peter said he would
have to check with God. After hearing the news, God
instructed him to admit the ten most
virtuous people from the group. A few minutes later,
Saint Peter returned to God
breathless and said, "They're gone!"
"What? All of the New Yorkers are gone?"
asked God. "No!" replied Saint Peter.
"The Pearly Gates!"
--
Have a magic day and pass it on.
Magic Mike http://funandmagic.com/
.- - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - -
----------------
http://funandmagic.com/paid2surf.html
http://funandmagic.com/watermagic.htm
FEED THE HUNGRY and FIGHT CANCER. Corporate sponsors pay if you click on a button, like a
cyberwalk for donations http://www.twoscoops.com/giving.htmlHelp get Cleaner and Greener Cars at http://greencar.policy.net/
Subject:
Digitized photo of our nice big, blue marble called Earth
Date:
Thu, 20 Apr 2000 10:04:19 -0700
From:
"Magic Mike" <mmb
Organization:
http://funandmagic.com/
To:
"you" <mmb
Hi,
Here is a wonderful photo of Earth in big and
small versions for your desktop. "This
newly released digital portrait of our planet is reminiscent
of the Apollo-era pictures of
the "big blue marble" Earth from space. To create
it, researchers at Goddard Space Flight
Center's Laboratory for Atmospheres combined data from a
Geostationary Operational
Environmental Satellite (GOES), the Sea-viewing Wide Field-of-view
Sensor (SeaWiFS), and
the Polar Orbiting Environmental Satellites (POES) with a
USGS elevation model of Earth's
topography." http://funandmagic.com/photolinks2.htm . It was in our news today about a beautiful island
community with arsenic in the water.
Did you know there is probably arsenic in yours too? Get
my 750 gallon capacity solid
block filter, because without it, you ARE the filter. http://funandmagic.com/watermagic.htm
SIX
CENTS A GALLON! DO YOU PAY MORE?
Here's a bunch of goodies for you.
Have a magic day and pass this on.
Magic mIke
http://funandmagic.com/
One of the teachers had a kindergartner come up to her
and say that he
Had found a frog.
The teacher asked if the frog was alive or dead.
The student said it was dead.
The teacher asked how he knew.
The boy said, "I pissed in its ear."
The teacher said, "You what?"
He said, "You know, I went to his ear and said, 'PSST!'
and it
didn't move. So it must be dead."
-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=
So, while reporting a hit-and-run accident scene, the
first
policeman says to the second, "OK: body on the road,
hands
on the road, legs on the road, head on the pavement."
His partner writes, stops, thinks for a moment, then asks,"How do you spell 'pavement'?"
So the first policeman looks around, kicks the head and
says,
"Head on the road."
-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=--=
Two psychiatrists meet at their 20th college reunion.One is vibrant, while the other looks withered and worried.
"So what's your secret?" the older looking psychiatristasks. "Listening to other people's problems every
day,
all day long, for years on end, has made an old man of me."
"So," replies the younger-looking one, "who listens?"
-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-----
I have a "true" blond story for you. This
really did happen... I
went to dinner with my husband, a male friend of ours, and
his new girlfriend.
While eating dinner we got on the subject of vacations."Bimbette" (I really called her this for the rest
of the time
they were together and right to her face). Anyway,
Bimbette
said that she wanted to go to Gotham City for her nextvacation.
I tried to explain to her that it was not a real place.
She
laughed and said "it is too, it's where Batman lives".
I then laughed and looked over at Jim who smiled and told
me
she was serious. I then tried to explain that, "he
does not
exist, why do you think there have been three of them:Clooney, Kilmer and Keaton?"
She looked me straight in the eye and said "that
is because he
doesn't want anyone to know who he really is."
-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=
-=-=
You just go ahead," the man in the shopping mall
said to his
wife. "While you're shopping, I'll browse in the
hardware store."
An hour later, she returned and saw him at the checkoutcounter. The clerk was ringing up the last of a pile
of tools and
supplies that would fill two wheelbarrows.
"Are you buying all this?" his wife asked incredulously.
"Well, yes," he said, embarrassed. Then
waving his arm toward
the interior of the store, he added, "But look at all
the stuff I'm
leaving behind."
-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=
-=-=-
An Angel appears at a faculty meeting and tells the deanthat in return for his unselfish and exemplary behavior,the Lord will reward him with his choice of infinite wealth,wisdom or beauty. Without hesitating, the dean selectsinfinite wisdom.
"Done!" says the angel, and disappears in a
cloud of smoke
and a bolt of lightning. Now, all heads turn toward
the
dean, who sits surrounded by a faint halo of light.
At
length, one of his colleagues whispers, "Say something."
The dean looks at them and says, "I should havetaken the money."
-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=--=-=-=-=--=
Oooo, if it's not true, it's too good to pass up!
This soldier had been stationed overseas and was foolingaround on his wife. She was back home in the states.
She
found out about it through some anonymous letters.
The soldier gets a package from his wife. He finds
inside a
batch of homemade cookies and a video tape of his favoritestateside TV shows.
He invites a couple of buddies over to watch the tape.
They're
all having a great time eating the cookies and watchingepisodes of "South Park".
Right in the middle of one episode, though, the tape cuts
to a
home video of the soldier's wife, on her knees, giving thesoldier's best friend oral sex.
After a few seconds, the best friend "does his business"
and
she turns, on camera, and spits it right into . . .
a mixing bowl
of cookie dough.
The wife then looks right into the camera and says, "I
want a
divorce."
Now THAT'S a "Dear John" letter.
-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=
-=-=-=-=-=
A dentist I know recounts sharing this story with
an elderly lady,
just as he was putting on his rubber gloves:
"Do you know how they make these rubber gloves?"
She said, "No."
"Well," he spoofed, "down in Puerto
Rico they have this big building
set up with a large tank of latex, and the natives
walk up to the
tank, and dip their hands in -- and then walk around
for a bit while
the latex sets up -- then they peel off the gloves
and throw them into
the big 'Finished Goods Crate' and go around again."
She didn't laugh a bit.
Five minutes later, during the procedure, he had
to stop working on
her teeth because she burst out laughing.
She explained, "I just suddenly thought about
how they must make
condoms!"
--
Have a magic day and pass it on.
Magic Mike http://funandmagic.com/
.- - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - -
----------------
http://funandmagic.com/paid2surf.html
http://funandmagic.com/watermagic.htm
FEED THE HUNGRY and FIGHT CANCER. Corporate sponsors pay if you click on a button, like a
cyberwalk for donations http://www.twoscoops.com/giving.htmlHelp get Cleaner and Greener Cars at http://greencar.policy.net/
Subject:
Lava Fireworks
Date:
Mon, 17 Apr 2000 11:11:12 -0700
From:
"Magic Mike" <mmb
Organization:
http://funandmagic.com/
To:
"you" <mmb
Just when I was getting used to yesterday, along came today.
Hi,
Today's photo of hot lava hitting the water
in Hawaii is a great photo for your desk
today! http://www.phototripusa.com/blewis/bl_0377_01.html
.
One person was put off by Dave's choice of certain words,
but I think it was from his
artist's passion (he AND his twin brother are extremely good
artists both in inspiration
and technically) and his insight into art funding. Tell me,
would you rather see good
traditional art funded, or art projects started, or something
like Philadelphia's Giant
Clothespin, or as Dave mentioned, cow's heads in bottle.
HEY, let's paper the German
Weirmark! Me, I'll take a good painting or sculpture over
a giant bolt and nut. If an
artist really needs funding, there are many corporqtions
(today's fiefdoms) that DO donate
to art and they LIKE giant bolts and nuts, etc.
Anyway, have a magic day, and pass it on.Magic Mike
http://funandmagic.com
Who says cops don't have a sense of humor? ......
"The handcuffs are tight because they're new.
They'll stretch out after you wear them
awhile."
"If you run, you'll only go to jail tired."
"So, you don't know how fast you were going.
I guess that means I can write anything I
want on the ticket, huh?"
"Yes sir, you can talk to the shift supervisor, but
I don't think it will help. Oh, did I
mention that I am the shift supervisor?"
"Warning! You want a warning? O.K., I'm
warning you not to do that again or I'll give
you another ticket."
"The answer to this last question will determine
whether you are drunk or not. Was Mickey
Mouse a cat or dog?"
"Yeah, we have a quota. Two more tickets and my wife gets a toaster oven."
"Life's tough, it's tougher if you're stupid."
"In God we trust, all others are suspects."
"No sir, we don't have quotas anymore. We used
to have quotas, but now we're allowed to
write as many tickets as we want."
"Just how big were those two beers?
-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=----=---=-=-
Five Belgians in an Audi Quattro arrive at the French
border.
The French Customs agent stops them and tells them:
"It's illegal to put 5 people in a Quattro."
"Oh, no, Quattro is just the name of the automobile.
Look at
the papers: this car is designed to carry 5 persons."
"You can't pull that one on me," replies the French customs agent.
"Quattro means 4!"
"Oh, you are so stupid! Call your supervisor over!"
"He can't come.
He's busy with the 2 guys in the Fiat Uno."
-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=--=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-
Sure, you can't take it with you. But you can stash it
where
no other bastard can find it.
-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=
-=-=-=-=-=-=-=
-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=
Under certain conditions, U.S. taxpayers are required
to file
an estimated income tax return. A friend of mine is so upsetby this that he sends his in without either name or address.His reasoning?
"If they're gonna make
me guess how much I'm gonna
make, then they can guess who the hell sent it in."
-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=
-=-=-=-=-=-=-=
-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=
This country is so full of opportunity, though. I mean,
where
else can a wife hire a woman to do her housework so she canvolunteer at the day care center where the cleaning womanleaves her child?
-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=
-=-=-=-=-=-=-=
-=-=-=-=-=-=
Could someone ever get addicted to counseling? If so,
how
would you treat them?
-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=--=--=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-
A defense attorney was cross-examining a police officer
during
a felony trial - it went like this:
Q. Officer, did you see my client fleeing the scene? A. No sir, but I subsequently observed a person matching
the
description of the offender running several
blocks away.
Q. Officer, who provided this description? A. The officer who responded to the scene.
Q. A fellow officer provided the description of
this so-
called offender. Do you trust your
fellow officers?
A. Yes sir, with my life.
Q. With your life? Let me ask you this then officer
- do you
have a locker room in the police
station - a room where you
change your clothes in preparation
for you daily duties?
A. Yes sir, we do.
Q. And do you have a locker in that room? A. Yes sir, I do.
Q. And do you have a lock on your locker? A. Yes sir.
Q. Now why is it, officer, if you trust your fellow
officers
with your life, that you find it
necessary to lock your locker
in a room you share with those same
officers?
A. You see sir, we share the building with the court
complex,
and sometimes lawyers have been
known to walk through that
room.
With that, the courtroom erupted
in laughter, and a prompt
recess was called. The officer on
the stand has been nominated
for this year's "Best come-back"
line and we think he'll win.
-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=--=-=--=-=-
Statements made in the local store in 1950...
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
"I'll tell you one thing, if things
keep going the way they are,
its' going to be impossible to buy a weeks
groceries for $20."
"Have you seen the new cars coming
out next year? It
won't be long when $3000 will only buy
a used one."
"If cigarettes keep going up in
price, I'm going to
quit. 19 cents a pack is ridiculous."
"Did you hear the post office
is thinking about
charging a dime just to mail a letter?"
"Yeah, and if they raise the minimum
wage to $1, nobody will be
able to hire outside help at the store."
"When I first started driving,
who would have thought
gas would someday cost 30 cents a gallon.
Guess we'd be better off
leaving the car in the garage."
"Kids today are impossible. Those
duck tail hair cuts make
it impossible to stay groomed. Next thing
you know, boys
will be wearing their hair as long as
girls."
"I'm afraid to send my kids to
the movies any more. Ever
since they let Clark Gable get by
with saying `damn` in `Gone With
The Wind,` it seems every movie has a
`hell` or`damn in it."
"Pretty soon you won't be able to buy a good 10 cent cigar."
"Did you see where some baseball
player just signed a
contract for $45,000 a year just to play
ball? Why that's more
than the president makes"
"It's too bad things are
so tough nowadays. I see where a
few married women are having to work to
make ends meet
and they have to leave the kids with a
baby sitter.
"I'll tell you one thing.
If my kids ever talk back to me,
they won't be able to sit down for a week."
"Thank goodness I won't live to
see the day when the
Government takes half our income in taxes.
I sometimes wonder if we are
electing the best men to congress. Next
thing you know, girls will be going
to college and running for office."
"Why in the world would you want
to send your daughter to
college? Isn't she going to get married?
It would be different if
she could be a doctor or a lawyer.
No, it wasn't so long ago!!!
-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=
-=-=-
--
Have a magic day and pass it on.
Magic Mike http://funandmagic.com/
.- - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - -
----------------
http://funandmagic.com/FEED THE HUNGRY and FIGHT CANCER. Corporate sponsors pay if you click on a button.
http://www.twoscoops.com/giving.html
Cleaner and Greener Cars at http://greencar.policy.net/
Subject:
Glowing Red Sunset at Ruby Beach, Supernova remnant, lots of jokes and
two great stories at the bottom.
Date:
Fri, 14 Apr 2000 11:11:33 -0700
From:
"Magic Mike" <mmb
Organization:
http://funandmagic.com/
To:
"you" <mmb
Hi,
I have two nice photos for your desktop, a glowing
red sunset at Ruby Beach, and a
Supernova remnant, 40 lights wide. http://funandmagic.com/photolinks2.htm
.
Hey, the AllAdvantage paybar and the Utopiad cashbar will
sit on top of each other and pay
you double! http://funandmagic.com/paid2surf.htm .
I've seen the bumper stickers "Honk If
You Love Jesus", and "Honk If You Are Jesus",
but this Seattle one took it another step, "Honk if
you think I"M Jesus".
It's a bit of a long read today, lots of jokes, but they
are the BEST ones and worth it.
By the way, I only send the best, and never send repeats
of anything sent or heard in the
last three years. Two good stories are at the bottom.Have a magic day and pass it on!
Magic Mike
http://funandmagic.com/
Recently, there was a public television special honoring
writer
Larry Gelbart, whose credits include the TV show "M*A*S*H*,"the movies "Tootsie" and "Oh, God," and
the Broadway revival
of "A Funny Thing Happened On The Way To The Forum."
At one point, Carl Reiner was seated between Gelbart and
Mel
Brooks, talking about the days when they all worked for SidCeasar.
One great moment went something like this:
Carl Reiner: (pointing at Larry Gelbart) I'm sitting between
the
wittiest and (pointing at Mel Brooks) funniest people
that I
know.
(With perfect timing, Mel Brooks does a spit-take and
sprays a
mouthful of water at the audience.)
Host: Can you tell us what the difference is between witty
and
funny?
Larry Gelbart: (without missing a beat) Witty is dry.
=-=-=-
-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=---=-=
-=--=
Lessons To Be Learned From Noah's Ark ......
One: Don't miss the boat.
Two: Remember that we are all in the same boat.
Three: Plan ahead. It wasn't raining when Noah built
the Ark.
Four: Stay fit. When you're 600 years old someone may
ask you to do something really big.
Five: Don't listen to critics, just get on with the job
that needs to be done.
Six: Build your future on high ground.
Seven: For safety's sake travel in pairs.
Eight: Speed isn't everything. The snails were on board
with the cheetahs.
Nine: When you're stressed, float awhile.
Ten: Remember the Ark was built by amateurs, the Titanic
by professionals.
Eleven: No matter the storm, there's always a rainbow waiting.
-=-=-=-=---=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=
PLEASES POST
Tired of the Voice Mail Maze?
TRY THE PSYCHIATRIC HOTLINE.
Hello, Welcome to the Psychiatric Hotline.
If you are obsessive-compulsive, please press 1 repeatedly.
If you are co-dependent, please ask someone to press 2.
If you have multiple personalities, please press 3, 4, 5 and 6.
If you are paranoid-delusional, we know who you are and what you want. Just stay on the line so we can trace the call.
If you are schizophrenic, listen carefully and a
little voice will tell you
which number to press.
If you are manic-depressive, it doesn't matter which
number you press. No
one will answer.
-=-==-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=--=-=-
Sign seen in a veterinarian's office: The doctor
is in.
Sit. Stay.
-==-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-
The newlyweds were suffering from exhaustion and after
an
examination, their doctor advised, "It's not unusual
for young
people to overdo things during the first weeks of marriage.What you both need is rest. For the next month I want you
to
limit your sex life to those days of the week with an "R"
in
them. That is, Thursday, Friday and Saturday."
Since the end of the week was approaching the newlyweds
had
no immediate difficulty following the medico's orders. But
on
the first night of scheduled rest the young bride found herselfeager as a beaver.
Hubby fell asleep, but she tossed and turned and finally
nudged
her spouse into partial wakefulness.
Expecting daylight, and confused with the darkness, he
asked,
"What day is it honey?"
She looks at him with a gleam in her eyes and says,"Mondray."
-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-==--=-=-=-=
A newspaper columnist was found guilty and fined for calling
a
countess a cow. When the trial ended and the man paid
his
fine, he asked the judge, since it was now clear he couldn't
call
a countess a cow, if he could call a cow a countess?
The judge said it was all right to do so. Whereupon
the
newspaperman turned to the countess in the courtroom, bowedelaborately, and said, "How do you do, Countess?"
-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=---=-=
-=-===
When I was working in the Piggly Wiggly all those years
ago,
I noticed the sexy little blonde who dashed into the store
to
pick up a few items.
She marched right to my "Express Lane".
I was on the phone
doing a price check.
In a huff, blondie said, "Excuse me, I'm in a hurry.
Could you
check me out?"
Without missing a beat, I looked her up and down, and
said,
"Hmmm. Not bad."
-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=
-=-=-=
Just for today, I will not sit in my living room all day
watching TV; instead I will move
my TV into the bedroom.
The next time the universe knocks on my door, I will pretend I am not home.
To have a successful relationship I must learn to make
it look like I'm giving as much as
I'm getting.
A happy marriage is the world's best bargain.
Insanity is my only means of relaxation.
The best way to forget all your troubles is to wear tight shoes.
The older you get, the tougher it is to lose weight because
by then your body and your fat
are really good friends.
-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=
-=-=-=-=-=-=-
Junior was one of those holy terrors and her husband wassurprised when his wife suggested that they buy him a bike
for
his birthday.
"Do you really believe that'll help improve his behavior
?" he
said.
"Well, no," she admitted, "But it'll spread it over a wider area."
-=-=-=-=-=--=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=
Two girlfriends were speeding down the highway at well over 90 mph.
"Hey,"
asked the brunette at the wheel
"Any cops following us?"
The blonde turned around and had a long look at the road behind them.
"Yeah, looks like it"
"Are his flashers on?"
The blonde turned around again......
"Yup....nope....yup....nope....yup....nope....yup....."
-=-=-=-=----=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-==
A woman gives birth to a baby, and afterwards, the doctor
comes in, and he says, "I have
to tell you something about your baby."
The woman sits up in bed and says, "What's wrong
with my baby, Doctor?
What's wrong???"
The doctor says, "Well, now, nothing's wrong, exactly,
but your baby is a little bit
different. Your baby is a hermaphrodite."
The woman says, "A hermaphrodite.... what's that???"
The doctor says, "Well, it means your baby has the...er...
features...of a male and a
female."
The woman turns pale. She says, "Oh my god! You mean it has a penis...AND a brain?"
-=-=-=-=-=-=-=--=-=-=-=-=-=-=--=---
Three small boys were bragging about their fathers.
The first
boasted that his dad owned a farm. The second said
his dad
owned a factory. The third boy, a pastors son, replied:"That's nothin'. My dad owns hell."
"No way," another boy scoffed. "How can a man own hell?"
"Sure he can," the preacher's son said.
"My mom told my
grandma that them elders of our church gave it to him lastnight."
-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=---=-=-=-=
The mother of three notoriously unruly youngsters was
asked
whether or not she'd have children if she had it to do overagain.
"Sure," she replied, "but not the same ones."
-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=
-=-=-=-=-=-
Bill and Hillary are out driving in the country near Hillary'shometown. They are low on fuel, so Bill pulls into a
gas station for a
fill-up. The attendant comes out and begins to pump
gas into the first
couple's tank. As he is doing this, he looks into the
passenger
window.
"Hey, Hillary. We used to date in high school, do
you
remember me?" he asks.
They chat for a few minutes, Bill pays and the first
couple leaves.
As they drive Bill is feeling very proud of himself
and
looks over at Hillary.
"You used to date that guy? Just think what
it would be like if you had
married him, "he says smugly.
Hillary looks at Bill and shrugs. Then she replies,
"Well I guess you'd be pumping gas and he would be the President.
-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-==--=---=-=
An old lady had always wanted to travel abroad. Now that
she
was getting on in years, she thought she would really like
to do
so before she died.
But until now, she'd never even been out of the country.
So she
began by going in person to the Passport Office and askinghow long it would take to have one issued.
"You must take the loyalty oath first," responded
the passport
clerk. "Raise your right hand, please."
The old gal raised her right hand.
"Do you swear to defend the Constitution of the United
States
against all its enemies, domestic or foreign?" was the
first
question.
The little old lady's face paled and her voice trembled
as she
asked in a small voice, "Uhhh . . . all by myself?"
-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=
-=-=-=-=-=
As the Father laid on the couch watching cable TV, his
son,
all dressed for Church entered the room. "Dad
?" he said, "I
have a question."
"What's that boy ?" replied the Father, never
even removing
his eyes from the screen.
"When am I going to be old enough not to go to Churcheither?"
--=-=-=-=-=-----=---=----=-=----=
A conductor was having a lot of trouble with one drummer.He constantly gave this guy personal attention and muchadvice, but his performance simply didn't improve. Finally,before the whole orchestra, he said,
"When a musician just can't handle his instrument and
doesn't
improve when given help, they take away the instrument, givehim two sticks, and make him a drummer."
A stage whisper was heard from the percussion section,"And if he can't handle even that, they take away one
of his
sticks and make him a conductor."
-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=
-=-=-=-=--=
After hearing that one of the patients in a mental hospital
had
saved another from a suicide attempt by pulling him out of
a
bathtub, the director reviewed the rescuer's file and called
him
into his office.
"Mr. James, your records and your heroic behavior
indicate that
you're ready to go home. I'm only sorry that the man you
saved
later killed himself with a rope around the neck."
"Oh, he didn't kill himself," Mr. James replied.
"I hung him up to
dry."
--=-=-=-=--=-=------=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=
In Sunday School, they were teaching how God created everything,
including
human beings. Little Johnny seemed especially intent
when they told him
how Eve was created out of one of Adam's ribs.
Later in the week, his mother noticed him lying down as
though he were
ill, and said,
"Johnny what is the matter?"
Little Johnny responded,
"I have a pain in my side. I think I'm going to have a wife."
-=-=-=--=-=-=-=---=-=--=
Josh was helping Sally, the blonde, clean out the trunk
of her car.
Inside, he noticed a bag labeled "Emergency Repair Kit".
Looking at it a
little closer, he noticed a stick of dynamite inside.
Thinking that was
a bit strange, he asked Sally what it was for.
She said, "It's part of my emergency repair kit."
Josh said, "I can see that, but why?"
Sally replied, "In case I have a flat and need to
blow up one of my
tires."
-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=
(posted on a computer in the office)
WARNING!
This machine is subject to breakdowns during periods of
critical
need.
A special circuit in the machine called a critical detector'senses the operator's emotional state in terms of howdesperate he or she is to use the machine. The criticaldetector' then creates a malfunction proportional to thedesperation of the operator. Threatening the machine
with
violence only aggravates the situation. Likewise, attempts
to
use another machine may cause it to also malfunction.
They
belong to the same union. Keep cool and say nice things
to
the machine. Nothing else seems to work.
-=-=-=-=---=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=--=-=-=-=-=-=
A bumper sticker seen in DC:
AGGRAVATE THE HELL OUT OF A DEMOCRAT:
GET A JOB, KEEP IT, AND PAY YOUR BILLS!
-==-=-=-=-=-=-=-=--=-=-=-=-=-=
These two guys were approaching the first tee. The first
guy
goes into his golf bag to get a ball and says to his friend,"Hey, why don't you try this ball?" He draws a
green golf ball
out of his bag. "You can't lose it." His friend
replies,
"What do you mean you can't lose it?!" The first
man replies,
"I'm serious, you can't lose it. If you hit it into
the woods,
it makes a beeping sound, if you hit it into the water itproduces bubbles, and if you hit it on the fairway, smokecomes up in order for you to find it." Obviously, his
friend
doesn't believe him, but he shows him all the possibilitiesuntil he is convinced. The friend says, "Wow! That's
incredible!
Where did you get that ball?!" The man replies, "I
found it."
****
"The scientific theory I like best is that the rings
of Saturn
are composed entirely of lost airline luggage." --Mark Russell
-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=
-=-=-=-=-
Nine-year-old Aaron came home from the playground witha bloody nose, black eye, and torn clothing. It wasobvious he'd been in a bad fight and lost. While hisfather was patching him up, he asked his son whathappened.
"Well, Dad," said Aaron, "I challenged
Larry to a duel.
And, you know, I gave him his choice of weapons."
"Uh-huh," said the father, "that seems fair."
"I know, but I never thought he'd choose his sister!"
-=-=-=-=-=-
-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=---=-=
-=
What matters most.
A few years ago, at the Seattle Special Olympics, nine
contestants, all
physically or mentally disabled, assembled at the starting
line for the
100-yard dash.
At the gun, they all started out, not exactly in a dash,
but with a
relish to run the race to the finish and win. All, that is,
except one
little boy who stumbled on the asphalt, tumbled over a couple
of times,
and began to cry.
The other eight heard the boy cry. They slowed down and
looked back.
Then they all turned around and went back.
Every one of them.
One girl with Down's Syndrome bent down and kissed him
and said: "This
will make it better." Then all nine linked arms and
walked together to
the finish line.
Everyone in the stadium stood, and the cheering went on
for several
minutes.
People who were there are still telling the story. Why?
Because deep down, we know this one thing: What matters
in this life is
more than winning for ourselves. What matters in this life
is helping
others win, even if it means slowing down and changing our
course.
-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=
-=-=-=
Dear MoveOn petitioner,
You've probably heard about the proposed "Gas
Out" (April 7th - 9th) - where
citizens are urged not to buy gasoline for a three
day period. It's great
that so many people want to act, but what about the
root problem?
Automakers in Detroit could be making cars that
get 40-70 miles per gallon,
including family cars and SUVs. If we were driving
these cars, we could cut
our gas costs in half, not to mention clean up our
air. Automakers overseas
are now ready to mass-produce cars that get up to
60 mpg - why can't
Detroit?
American car companies say that consumers don't
care about fuel efficiency.
We need to set them straight.
You can do something that will really help.
MoveOn has joined a grassroots
alliance called GreenCar.org to lobby the auto industry.
At GreenCar.org
you can instantly send a FREE postcard to automakers.
Go to:
http://greencar.policy.net/
A three day Gas Out? How about a real gas
out! Send that free postcard in
today. And send THIS message out to everyone
who wants to a make a real
difference about this issue. Don't send this
message indiscriminately.
Spam hurts the campaign.
--
Have a magic day and pass it on.
Magic Mike http://funandmagic.com/
.- - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - -
----------------
Get long distance as low as 3 cents a minute - http://ld.net/?phon4lessThe BEST, cheapest water filter is a solid carbon block~magicmb/water.htm
FEED THE HUNGRY with a click. Corporate sponsors pay if you do.
http://www.twoscoops.com/giving.html
Subject:
Hubble 10th Anniversary, Canyonlands, Gas-out Day, Planet Proctor Date:
Fri, 07 Apr 2000 11:12:35 -0700
From:
"Magic Mike" <mmb
Organization:
http://funandmagic.com/
To:
"you" <mmb
Hi,
As you know, each day I recommend a place to
go on the Internet to see a nice photo for
your desktop wallpaper. I have been doing that for three
years. You can see them all on my
photo links page. Today is the tenth anniversary of the Hubble
Space Telescope. I have two
photos from it today, and The Canyonlands, to recommend for
your desktop.
http://funandmagic.com/photolinks2.htm Can't choose? Use
Panorama. It's free on my Free
Utilities Page. http://funandmagic.com/FreeHelpfulUtilities.htm
.
Celebrating Hubble With NGC 6751 Credit: A. Hajian (USNO)
et al., Hubble Heritage Team
(STScI/ AURA), NASA
Explanation: Planetary nebulae do look simple, round,
and planet-like in small
telescopes. But images from the orbiting Hubble Space Telescope have become well known for showing these
fluorescent gas shrouds of dying
Sun-like stars to possess a staggering variety of detailed symmetries and shapes. This composite color
Hubble image of NGC 6751 is a
beautiful example of a classic planetary nebula
with complex features and was selected to commemorate
the tenth anniversary of Hubble in
orbit. The colors were chosen to represent
the relative temperature of the gas - blue, orange,
and red indicating the hottest to
coolest gas. Winds and radiation from the intensely hot central star (140,000 degrees Celsius) have apparently
created the nebula's
streamer-like features. The nebula's actual diameter is approximately 0.8 light-years or about 600 times the
size of our solar system. NGC 6751
is 6,500 light-years distant in the constellation Aquila. Authors & editors: Robert Nemiroff (MTU)
& Jerry Bonnell (USRA) NASA Technical
Rep.: Jay Norris. Specific rights apply.
A service of: LHEA at NASA/ GSFC & Michigan
Tech. U.
Canyonlands from Dead Horse Point Canyonlands
National Park, UT - Technically, this
image was not
taken within a National Park. It was taken from the
overlook at Dead Horse Point State
Park which is perched high above the Colorado
River and the winding path it has carved through
Canyonlands National Park. In addition
to this spectacular view, Dead Horse State
Park also has an excellent campground with easy access
to the Island in the Sky section
of Canyonlands National Park. National Parks
of the West - by Kerry L. Thalmann
The M7 Open Star Cluster in Scorpius (Smaller Version)Credit
& Copyright: N. A. Sharp,
REU Program, AURA,
NOAO, NSF Explanation: M7 is one of the most
prominent open clusters of stars on the
sky. The cluster, dominated by bright blue
stars, can be seen with the naked eye in a dark sky
in the tail of the constellation of
Scorpius. M7 contains about 100 stars in total, is about 200 million years old, spans 25 light-years
across, and lies about 1000
light-years away. This color picture was taken in 1995 at the Burrell-Schmidt Telescope at Kitt Peak National
Observatory in Arizona. The M7 star
cluster has been known since ancient times,
being noted by Ptolemy in the year 130
AD. Also visible is a dark dust cloud near the
bottom of the frame, and literally millions of
unrelated stars towards the Galactic center.
Authors & editors: Robert Nemiroff (MTU) &
Jerry Bonnell (USRA) NASA Technical
Rep.: Jay Norris. Specific rights apply. A service
of: LHEA at NASA/
GSFC & Michigan Tech. U.
There are new recipes on the Recipe page, but I
have a lot of new Inspirational Thoughts
to post, so look for a LOT of new additions to that page
this weekend.I would like to
remind you that your phone bill will be lower than you can
image if you use I-Phone to get
2.9 -3.9 out of state calling and 4.9 -5.9 INSTATE calling.
You are probably paying 10 to
13 cents for INSTATE calling now. http://www.cognigen.net/iphone/?phon4less
.
I am now able to accept credit cards online
for the One Second One Handed Windsor. A
lot of people are now ordering it. It allows anyone to tie
a necktie in one second, one
handed. You don't need to be a magician to learn this. You
will be the talk of the town
doing this. If you do it in a bar, you will be sure to be
offered a few free drinks or
tips. If you are in sales, do it to impress secretaries who
guard the prospect you are are
hoping to meet. Or the client. http://funandmagic.com/learn_magic.html
.
I have a new Planet Proctor for you, it Orbits the lower
realms of this email. Thanks
Phil! I'm looking forward to hearing the new Foresign Theater
CD!
Remember it is Gas-out Day today! Limit your gas until the
9th!!!
Have a magic day and pass it all on.
Magic Mike http://funandmagic.com/
A young man dies and goes to Heaven, where he finds he
is
third in line at the Pearly Gates. St. Peter is taking
a much-
needed break, so an angel is admitting the newly arrived
to
Heaven.
The angel tells the three new arrivals that because so
many
drug dealers and other criminals have managed to sneak intoHeaven that St. Peter must now be a little stricter with
the
screening process.
Each person is required to state his former occupation
and tell
his or her yearly salary.
The first man in line says, "I was an actor, and
I earned $1
million last year."
The angel says, "Okay, you may enter."
He turns to the
woman in line and asks her about her life.
She states, "I earned $150,000 as an attorney."
The angel
thinks for a moment and then lets her in, too.
He turns to the third one in line and asks, "What
have you
done with your life?"
The man replies, "I earned $8,000 last year . . ."
"Oh," the angel interrupts. "What did you teach?"
-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=
-=-=-=-=-=-=-=
--
"Women might be able to fake orgasms.
But men can fake whole
relationships."
Jimmy Shubert
"I found my wife in bed naked one day next
to a Vietnamese guy and
a black guy. I took a picture and sent it to
Benetton. You never know."
Franck Dubosc
"I got kicked out of Riverdance for using
my arms."
Stephen Wright
"And God said: 'Let there be Satan, so people
don't blame everything
on Me. And let there be lawyers, so people don't
blame everything on
Satan.'"
John Wing
"What are the three words guaranteed to humiliate
men everywhere?
'Hold my purse.'"
Francois Morency
"The Web brings people together because no
matter what kind of a
twisted sexual mutant you happen to be, you've
got millions of pals
out there. Type in 'Find people that have sex
with goats that are on
fire' and the computer will say, 'Specify type
of goat.'"
Rich Jeni
"Luge strategy? Lie flat and try not
to die."
Tim Steeves
"There are only two reasons to sit in the back
row of an airplane:
Either you have diarrhea, or you're anxious to meet
people who do."
Rich Jeni
"My girlfriend always laughs during sex-no
matter what she's
reading."
Emo Philips
"Clinton lied. A man might forget where
he parks or where he lives,
but he never forgets (oral sex) no matter how bad
it is."
Lenny Clarke
"My cousin just died. He was only 19.
He got stung by a bee -the
natural enemy of a tightrope walker." Emo Philips
"I saw a woman wearing a sweatshirt with 'Guess'
on it. I said,
'Thyroid problem?'"
Emo Philips
"Honesty is the key to a relationship.
If you can fake that, you're
in."
Rich Jeni
"Things you'll never hear a woman say : 'My,
what an attractive
scrotum!'"
Jeff Green
"My parents saw the president they loved get
shot in the head." I
saw my president get head."
Elon Gold
"I discovered I scream the same way whether
I'm about to be devoured
by a Great White or if a piece of seaweed touches
my foot."
Kevin James
"Capital punishment turns the state into a
murderer. But
imprisonment turns the state into a gay dungeon-master." Emo Philips
"My mother never saw the irony in calling me
a son-of-a-bitch."
Rich Jeni
"I read somewhere that 77 per cent of all the
mentally ill live in
poverty. Actually, I'm more intrigued by the 23 per
cent who are
apparently doing quite well for themselves." Emo Philips
-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=
-=-=
There once was a blind man who decided to visit Texas.
When
he arrived on the plane, he felt the seats and said, "Wow,
these
seats are big!" The person next to him answered, "Everything
is
big in Texas."
When he finally arrived in Texas, he decided to visit
a bar.
Upon arriving in the bar, he ordered a beer and got a mugplaced between his hands. He exclaimed, "Wow these mugsare big!" The bartender replied, "Everything
is big in Texas."
After a couple of beers, the blind man asked the bartenderwhere the bathroom was located. The bartender replied,"Second door to the right." The blind man headed
for the
bathroom, but accidentally tripped over and skipped the seconddoor. Instead, he entered the third door, which lead
to the
swimming pool and fell into the pool by accident.
Scared to death, the blind man started shouting, "Don't
flush,
don't flush!"
-==-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=--=-=-=-=-=--=
A blonde decided to decorate her bedroom. She wasn't
sure how
many rolls of wallpaper she would need but she knew that
her
friend (also a blonde) next door had recently done the same
job
and the two rooms were identical in size.
"Buffy," she said, "How many rolls of wallpaper
did you buy for
your bedroom?"
"Ten," said Buffy.
So the blonde bought the ten rolls of paper and did the
job, but
had 2 rolls left over.
"Buffy," she said. "I bought ten
rolls of wallpaper for the
bedroom, but I've got 2 left over!"
"Yes," said Buffy. "So did I."
-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=
-=---=-
A guy goes to the doctor. He has a string hanging
out of
his ass.
The doctor says that this is most unusual. "I don't
know what
to make of it. I have no diagnosis. Perhaps we should
just
pull the string and see what happens."
The learned doctor proceeded to pull the string. He pulled
and
pulled, and out came a dozen long-stemmed AmericanBeauty roses.
"My God," proclaimed the doctor, "I've
never seen that before.
Where do you suppose they came from?"
The guy replies, "I don't know. Is there a card?"
-=--=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=
-=---
The minister selected a 50-cent item at a convenience
store,
but then discovered he didn't have any money with him.
"I could invite you to hear me preach in return,"
he said
jokingly to the clerk, "but I'm afraid I don't have
any
fifty-cent sermons."
"Perhaps," suggested the clerk, "I could come twice."
~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~
A businessman boarded a plane to find, sitting next to
him,
an elegant woman wearing the largest, most stunning diamondring he had ever seen. He asked her about it.
"This is the
Klopman diamond," she said. "It is beautiful,
but there is
a terrible curse that goes with it."
"What's the curse?" the man asked.
"Mr. Klopman."
-=-=-=-=-=-=--=-=-=-=-=-=-=---=-=
Quoted from an article about Cannibalism in the
"New
Scientist" 14 March 1998.
'The story of Alfred Packer, the first American to be
convicted of
cannibalism remains a classic. While prospecting for gold
in
Colorado's San Juan mountains in 1873, Packer becametrapped in a shack during a blizzard, and survived by eating
his
fellow prospectors. He was arrested, tried, and sentenced
to 40
years imprisonment, although he served only 15.
"You are a low down depraved s-- of a b----"
the judge told
him. "There were only seven Democrats in Hinsdale county,and you ate five of them." '
=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-==-
A ten-year old, under the tutelage of her grandmother,
was becoming quite
knowledgeable about the Bible. Then one day she floored her
grandmother by
asking,
"Which Virgin was the mother of Jesus? The virgin
Mary or the King
James Virgin?"
-=-=-=-=-==-=-=-=-=-=-=-==-
A old man was sitting on his porch, when this fella walked
up
with a pad and pencil in his hand.
"What can I do for you?" Preet politely asked.
"You selling
something?"
"No, sir, I'm not. I'm a Census Taker."
"A what?"
"A Census Taker. We're trying to find out how
many people
are in the United States."
"You're wasting your time here. I have no idea."
-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=
-=-=-=-=-=-=-=
-=
-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=--=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=----=-
Subject:
PP 2000/8
Date:
Wed, 5 Apr 2000 20:30:30 -0400
From:
"phil proctor" <PProctor@compuserve.com
To:
"A.A.A 3" <pproctor@compuserve.com
((((((((((((((((( PLANET PROCTOR 2000/8 - http://www.planetproctor.com
"I pray that someday
we will not only accept our differences, but
celebrate them." - Best actress Hillary Swank at the
Oscars
AN OSCAR BY ANY OTHER NAME WOULD SMELL LIKE A CIGAR
As opposed to
what I said in the last orbit, Tom Tully has informed
me that the Oscar was actually named by Sidney Skolsky, a
diminutive
Hollywood columnist who later produced "Jolsen Sings'
and "Jolsen Sings,
Again."
An executive director
of the Academy, Margaret Herrick, claimed to
have named it after her uncle but could not substantiate
it; and Betty
Davis took out a full page ad in Variety admitting it was
Sidney not she,
who had dubbed the award an "Oscar"
Sidney put the
true story in print in his column of March 16, 1934
in which he claims that he left the ceremony and went to
Western Union to
file his story but was unsure of the spelling of the word
"statuette". The
Western Union guy was no help, so Sidney remembered that
vaudeville
comedians of the time would turn to the orchestra leader
and say "Have a
cigar, Oscar?"
So he called it Oscar. "And that,"
says Tom, "is the origin of the
name..."
"Linda Tripp is suing the government for invasion
of privacy. Invasion of
privacy? Linda Tripp?" - Rose Couzin, L.A. Times letters
URBAN CHAINMAIL
MASSACRE
I was on my way
to the post office to pick up my case of free M&M's
sent to me because I forwarded an e-mail to five other people
celebrating
the fact that the year 2000 is "MM" in Roman numerals,
when I ran into a
friend whose neighbor, a young man, was home recovering from
having been
served a rat in his bucket of Kentucky Fried Chicken, which
is predictable,
since as we all know, there's no actual chicken in Kentucky
Fried Chicken,
which is why the government made them change their name to
KFC.
He told me that
some guy went to sleep, and when he awoke, he was
in his bathtub, and it was full of ice and he was sore all
over, and when
he got out of the tub he realized that HIS KIDNEY HAD BEEN
STOLEN. He saw
a note on his mirror that said "Call 911!" but
he was afraid to use his
phone because it was connected to his computer, and if he
turned it on a
virus would destroy his hard drive since he'd he opened an
e-mail entitled
"Join the crew!"
And he knew it
wasn't a hoax because he himself was a computer
programmer who was working on software to prevent a global
disaster in
which all the computers get together and distribute the $250.00Neiman-Marcus cookie recipe under the leadership of Bill
Gates. (This is
true, by the way! I read it last week in a mass e-mailing
from BILL GATES
HIMSELF, who was also promising me a free Disney World vacation
and $5,000
if I would forward the e-mail to everyone I know.) Anyway, the poor man
then tried to call 911 from a pay phone to
report his missing kidneys, but a voice on the line first
asked him to
press #90, which unwittingly gave the bandit full access
to the phone line
at the guy's expense, and reaching into the coin-return slot
he got jabbed
with an HIV-infected needle wrapped in a note reading, "Welcome
to the
world of AIDS."
Luckily he was
only a few blocks from the hospital -- the one where
that little boy who is dying of cancer is, the one whose
last wish is for
everyone in the world to send him an e-mail because the American
Cancer
Society has agreed to pay him a nickel for every e-mail received.
(I sent
him two e-mails, and one of them was a bunch of X's and O's
in the shape of
an angel. If you get this one and forward it to more than
10 people, you
will have good luck but for 10 people only, you will only
have OK luck. and
if you send it to fewer than 10 people you will have BAD
LUCK FOR SEVEN
YEARS.)
So anyway, finally,
this poor guy tried to drive himself to the
hospital, but on the way he noticed another car driving without
its lights
on, so he flashed his lights at him and was promptly shot
as part of a gang
initiation.
**Send THIS to all the friends who
send you junk mail and you'll
receive 4 green M&Ms! If you don't, the owner of Procter
& Gamble will
report you to his Satanist friends and you will have MORE
BAD LUCK: you
will get sick from the Sodium Laureth Sulfate in your shampoo,
your mate
will develop a skin rash from using the antiperspirant which
clogs the
pores under your arms, and the U.S. government will put a
tax on your
e-mails forever.**
(I know this is
all true 'cause I read it on the Internet.)
- From HowardHoffman
"There's a new drug on the market called Gingko
Viagra. It's designed to
help you remember what the fuck you're doing." - Canyongirl
PLAYING DOCTOR Barium - What
you do when a patient dies
Urine - The opposite
of Youre Out
Cauterize - Made
eye contact with her
Ova - Finished Sperm - to reject
or look away
Enema - Opposite
of a friend
Dilate - To live
a long time
Node - Was aware
of
White Count -
Number of Caucasians
Fibrillate - To
tell a small lie
D&C - Where
Washington is
Bunion - Paul's
surname
Rectum - Dang
near killed em
Paradox - More
than one doctor
Coronary - Domesticated
singing bird
Constipation -
Endangered Feces
Penis - Someone
who plays the piano
Humerus - Just
tell us what we want to hear
Intestine - Currently
taking an exam
Outpatient - A
person who has fainted
Pelvis - The evil
twin of Elvis (From my double for Pat, Paul
Eiding)
"Richard Milhouse Nixon was the first
US President whose name contains
all the letters from the word 'criminal.' William Jefferson
Clinton is the
second." - From Patty Paul
HOW TO SEDUCE
A WOMAN
Compliment her,
respect her, honor her, cuddle her, kiss her,
caress her, love her, stroke her, tease her, comfort her,
protect her, hug
her, hold her, spend money on her, wine and dine her, buy
things for her,
listen to her, care for her, stand by her, support her, hold
her, go to the
ends of the Earth for her...
. . . AND A MAN?
Show up naked.
Bring food. (From Bob Joles)
"If marriage is outlawed, only outlaws will
have inlaws." - Phil's Phunny
Facts
BEAR WITH ME A Russian scientist
and a Czechoslovakian scientist had spent their
lives studying the grizzly bear. Each year they petitioned
their respective
governments to allow them to go to Yellowstone. Finally their
request was
granted. They reported to the ranger station and were told
that it was the
grizzly mating season and too dangerous to go out and study
the animals.
They pleaded that this was their only chance, and finally
the ranger
relented.
The Russian and
the Czech were given portable phones and told to
report in every day. For several days they did, and
then - silence. The
rangers mounted a search party only to find the camp completely
ravaged
with no trace of the missing researchers.
Following the
trail of a male and a female bear, they trapped the
female and fearing an international incident decided they
must kill the
animal to ascertain if she had eaten the unfortunate foreigners.
And sure
enough, when they opened the stomach, they found the remains
of the
Russian.
"You know
what this means, don't you?" said the ranger. "The Czechis in the male."
"We want our teachers to be trained.
We want them to know how to teach
the science of reading. In order to make sure there's not
this kind of
federal cufflink, federal structure on programs, there needs
to be
flexibility on the state level." - G. W. Bush at a Milwaukee
school from
"Trail Mix" in the L.A. Times.
BANG ON... This (long) review (but funny) by Kenneth
Langbell was purportedly
published in the English language "Bangkok Post."
It was sent by Alan
Shearman from Ken Danziger with the following explanation:
"This was given
to me by my friend, Gene Raskin. It was a faded fax titled
'A Humid Recital
Stirs Bangkok' that had been sent to him by a friend who
works for a
tourist board that deals with Thailand." You have
been warned...
"The recital
last evening in the chamber music room of the Erawan
Hotel by U.S. pianist Myron Kropp, can only be described
by this reviewer
and those who witnessed Mr. Kropp's performance as one of
the most
interesting experiences in a very long time.
A hush fell over
the room as Mr. Kropp appeared from the right of
the stage, attired in black formal evening wear with a small,
white poppy
in his lapel. With sparse, sandy hair, a sallow complexion
and a
deceptively frail frame, the man who has re-popularized Johann
Sebastian
Bach approached the Baldwin Concert Grand, bowed to the audience
and placed
himself upon the stool.
It might
be appropriate to insert at this juncture that many
pianists, including Mr. Kropp, prefer a bench, maintaining
that on a
screw-type stool they sometimes find themselves turning sideways
during a
particularly expressive strain. There was a slight delay,
in fact, as Mr.
Kropp left the stage briefly, apparently in search of a bench,
but returned
when informed that there was none.
As I have mentioned on several other occasions, the
Baldwin Concert
Grand, while basically a fine instrument, needs constant
attention,
particularly in a climate such as Bangkok's... In this humidity,
the felts
which separate the white keys from the black tend to swell,
causing an
occasional key to stick, which apparently was the case
last evening with
the D in the second octave.
Some who attended
the performance later questioned whether the
awkward key justified some of the language which was heard
coming from the
stage during softer passages of his performance. However,
one member of the
audience, who had sent his children out of the room by the
midway point,
commented that the workman who greased the stool might have
done better to
use some of the grease on the second octave D. Indeed,
Mr. Kropp's stool
had more than enough grease, and during one passage in which
the music and
lyrics both were particularly violent, Mr. Kropp was turned
completely
around.
Whereas before,
his remarks had been aimed largely at the piano and
were therefore somewhat muted, to his surprise and that of
those in the
room, he found himself addressing himself directly to the
audience.
Nevertheless he swiveled back into position facing the piano
and, leaving
the D Major Fugue unfinished, commenced on the Fantasia and
Fugue in G
Minor.
Why the concert
grand piano's G key in the third octave chose that
particular time to begin sticking I hesitate to guess. However,
it is
certainly safe to say that Mr. Kropp did nothing to help
matters when he
began using his feet to kick the lower portion of the piano
instead of
operating the pedals as is generally done. Possibly
it was this jarring,
or the un-Bach-like hammering to which the sticking keyboard
was being
subjected which caused the right front leg of the piano to
buckle slightly
inward, leaving the entire instrument listing at approximately
a 35-degree
angle from that which is normal. A gasp went up from the
audience, for if
the piano had actually fallen several of Mr. Krupp's toes
if not both his
feet, would surely have been broken.
It was with a
sigh of relief, therefore, that the audience saw Mr.
Kropp slowly rise from his stool and leave the stage. A few
men in the back
of the room began clapping, and when Mr. Kropp reappeared
a moment later it
seemed he was responding to the ovation. Apparently, however,
he had left
to get the red-handled fire ax which was hung backstage,for
that was what
he had in his hand. My first reaction at seeing Mr. Kropp
begin to chop at
the left leg of the grand piano was that he was attempting
to make it tilt
at the same angle as the right leg and thereby correct the
list. However,
when the weakened legs finally collapsed altogether with
a great crash and
Mr. Kropp continued to chop, it became obvious to all that
he had no
intention of going on with the concert.
The ushers, who
had heard the snapping of piano wires and
splintering of sounding board from the dining room, came
rushing in and,
with the help of the hotel manager, two Indian watchmen and
a passing
police corporal, finally succeeded in disarming Mr. Kropp
and dragging him
off the stage."
You had to be
there...wish I was.
"If I were going to design a scheme
to cause trouble in society, you
couldn't do much better than to sit every child down and
show him 20,000
murders by the time he graduates from high school."
- Vice President Al
Gore
OPEN YOUR THIRD
EYE
Michael O'Donoghue,
the late writer for National Lampoon and
Saturday Night Live, quoted in a recent New Yorker profile
on comedy writer
George Meyer, used to say that humor has to be startling:
"It has to
reframe reality in a way that is exciting. It's like seeing
two dimensions
and then opening the other eye or looking through the View-Master
and
suddenly seeing in three."'
And Steve Levitan,
creator of TV's "Just Shoot Me" and "Stark
Raving Mad", adds, regarding the success of the Millionaire
quiz shows:
"After spending hours crafting a single moment or joke,
it's a bit
disheartening to learn so many people would rather see some
guy guess the
color of a Smurf. It gets to you."
"Did you hear about the new restaurant that
just opened up on the moon?
Great food, but no atmosphere." - Phil's Phunny Facts
FIRESIGN SEES
ALL
Yes, on our newest CD "Boom
Dot Bust" for Rhino, the "predictions"
continue to come true: Smith and Wesson, the bust of
the tech stocks. And
now we hear that our Grammy-nominated "Give Me Immortality
or Give Me
Death", which takes place on a "fictitious"
radio station called
"RadioNow", is fiction no more. Several planeteers
have informed me that
Indianapolis radio station WNAP, 93.1fm, has appropriated
the "Radio Now"
name for its recent makeover. The URL is http://www.wnap.com
...which
automatically bounces you over to http://www.radionow93.com
+++++++++++(4/5/2000)++++++++++
*
FIRESIGN SITE: www.firesigntheatre.com
*
FIRESIGN PRODUCT: www.lodestone-media.com
*
FUNNY TIMES: www.funnytimes.com
PLANET PROCTOR (C) 2000 by Phil Proctor
--
Have a magic day and pass it on.
Magic Mike http://funandmagic.com/
.- - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - -
----------------
Get long distance as low as 3 cents a minute - http://ld.net/?phon4lessThe BEST, cheapest water filter is a solid carbon block~magicmb/water.htm
FEED THE HUNGRY. Corporate sponsors pay. http://www.thehungersite.com
Subject: April jokes and pokes. Have a Cigar
Galaxy.
Date: Tue, 04 Apr 2000 11:07:22 -0700
From: "Magic Mike" <mmbOrganization: http://funandmagic.com/
To: "you" <mmb
"The beautiful thing about learning is nobody can
take it
away from you."
-B.B. King
Hi,
I have four nice photos for you to enjoy today.
One is an animated film sequence of a
large Solar Ejection, taken over 30minutes by the SOHO spacecraft,
which orbits and
studies Sol. Free Floating Planets in Orion, and Superwind
from the Cigar Galaxy. Also
some very colorful Hoodoos in Bryce Canyon. Can't choose
which one for your desk? Use the
free slideshows on the Free Utility Software page. http://funandmagic.com/photolinks2.htm
. Don't
forget to use your Cleaner!
Don't forget the gasout on April 7th - 9th. Have a magic day and pass it on.
Magic Mike http://funandmagic.com/
After a hard day at the office, the young Mother came
home to
3 kids fighting and her husband asleep on the couch.
She sat down exhausted and said, "What gets me is
why the
nations of the world would ever want to live together like
one
big family."
-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=
A resident in a seaside hotel breakfast room called over
the head waiter
one morning and said,
"I want two boiled eggs, one of them so under cooked
it's runny and the
other so over cooked it's tough and hard to eat. Also, grilled
bacon that
has been left on the plate to get cold; burnt toast that
crumbles away as
soon as you touch it with a knife; butter straight from the
deep freeze so
that it's impossible to spread; and a pot of very weak coffee,
lukewarm."
"That's a complicated order sir," said the bewildered
waiter. "It might be
quite difficult to prepare."
The guest replied,
"Oh? It shouldn't be. That's what I got yesterday!"
--=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=
-=-=-=
IT WASN'T MY FAULT ......
The ingenuity of drivers involved in accidents, in seeking
to assert their innocence, or
at least excuse their errors, is apparently inexhaustible,
judging from this genuine
selection of excerpts from insurance claims.
1.I blew my horn, but it would not work as it had been
stolen.
2.I unfortunately ran over a pedestrian, and the old gentleman
was taken to hospital, much
regretting the circumstances.
3.I thought the side window was down, but it was up, as I
found when I put my head through
it.
4.A cow wandered into my car. I was afterwards informed
that the cow was half-witted.
5.A bull was standing nearby, and a fly must have tickled
him, as he gored my car.
6.She suddenly saw me, lost her head, and we met.7.A truck backed through my windscreen into my wife's face.8.I ran into a shop window, and sustained injuries to my
wife.
9.I misjudged a lady crossing the street.
10.Coming home, I drove into the wrong house, and collided
with a tree I haven't got.
11.I left my car unattended for a minute, when by accident
or design, it ran away.
12.The other car collided with mine, without giving any warning
of its intentions.
-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=
-
IT WASN'T MY FAULT ......
The ingenuity of drivers involved in accidents, in seeking
to assert their innocence, or
at least excuse their errors, is apparently inexhaustible,
judging from this genuine
selection of excerpts from insurance claims.
1.I consider that neither vehicle was to blame, but if
either were to blame, it was the
other one.
2.I knocked over a man. He admitted it was his fault
as he had been run over before.
3.One wheel went into the ditch, my feet jumped from the
brake to the accelerator pedal,
leaped across to the other side, and jammed into the trunk
of a tree.
4.I collided with a stationary tram car coming the other
way.
5.To avoid a collision, I ran into the other car.6.The car had to turn sharper than was necessary, owing to
an invisible truck.
7.After the accident, a working gentleman offered to be witness
in my favour.
8.I collided with a stationary tree.
9.The other man altered his mind, so I had run over him.10.I told the other idiot what he was, and went on my way.11.I can give no details of the accident, as I was somewhat
concussed at the time.
12.A pedestrian hit me and went under my car.
--=-=-=-=-=-=-=--=-=-=-=
FRIDAY NIGHT IN HELL: (One day a guy dies and finds
himself in hell. As he is wallowing
in despair, he has his first meeting with the devil...)Satan: Why so glum?
Guy: What do you think? I'm in hell!
Satan: Hell's not so bad. We actually have a lot of
fun down here. You a drinking man?
Guy: Sure, I love to drink.
Satan: Well you're gonna love Mondays then. On Mondays
that's all we do is drink.
Whiskey, tequila, Guinness, wine coolers, diet tab and fresca...
we drink till we throw
up and then we drink some more! And we don't worry
about getting a hangover, because
you're dead anyway.
Guy: Gee, that sounds great!
Satan: You a smoker?
Guy: You better believe it!
Satan: All right! You're gonna love Tuesdays.
We get the finest cigars from all over the
world and smoke our lungs out. If you get cancer -
no biggie, you're already dead,
remember?
Guy: Wow... that's awesome!
Satan: I bet you like to gamble.
Guy: Why yes, as a matter of fact I do.
Satan: Cause Wednesdays you can gamble all you want.Craps, Blackjack, Roulette, Poker, Slots, whatever.
If you go bankrupt...
you're dead anyhow. What about Drugs?!?
Guy: Are you kidding? Love drugs! You don't mean...Satan: That's right! Thursday is drug day. Help
yourself to a great big bowl of crack,
or smack. Smoke a doobie the size of a submarine.You can do all the drugs you want, you're dead, who cares.Guy: WOW! I never realized Hell was such a cool place!Satan: You gay?
Guy: No...
Satan: Ooooh (grimaces). You're gonna hate Fridays.
-=-=-=--=-=-=-=---=
Overheard: "Personally, I don't believe the
world owes me
a living - although for the amount I get, an apologywould be nice."
~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~
Overheard: "I told the guy at the auto-parts
store I wanted
a windshield wiper for my Yugo. He said, "That
sounds like
a fair exchange."
~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~
Overheard: "I'm not saying Ted is a hypochondriac,
but he
did tell me he wanted his tombstone to read "See!"
-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=
-=
A drunk stumbles along a baptismal service on Sundayafternoon down by the river.
He proceeds to walk down into the water and stand next
to
the Preacher. The minister turns and notices the old drunkand says, "Mister, Are you ready to find Jesus?"
The drunk looks back and says, "Yess, Preacher..I sure am."
The minister then dunks the fellow under the water and
pulls
him right back up. "Have you found Jesus?"
the preacher
asked.
"Nooo, I didn't!" said the drunk.
The preacher then dunks him under for quite a bit longer,brings him up and says, "Now, brother, have you foundJesus?"
"Noooo, I did not Reverend."
The preacher in disgust holds the man under for at least
30
seconds this time, brings him out of the water and says in
a
harsh tone, "My God, man, have you found Jesus yet?"
The old drunk wipes his eyes and says to the preacher...
"Are
you sure this is where he fell in?"
-=-=-=-=-=-=-=--=-=-=-----=--=--=
A husband and wife were at a party chatting with somefriends when the subject of marriage counseling came up."Oh, we'll never need that. My husband and I have
a
great relationship," the wife explained. "He
was a
communications major in college and I majored in theaterarts. He communicates real well and I act like I'mlistening."
-=-=-=-=-=-=--=
"Hey, Mom," asked Johnny "can you give me twenty dollars?"
"Certainly not."
"If you do," he went on, "I'll tell you
what dad said to the maid
when you were at the beauty shop."
His mother's ears perked up and, grabbing her purse, shehanded over the money. "Well? What did he say?"
"He said, 'Hey, Marie, make sure you wash my sockstomorrow.' "
-==-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=
100 YEARS AGO
Note: This is a reprint from an old marriage manual]
Instruction and Advice For the Young Bride on the Conduct
and Procedure of
the Intimate and Personal Relationships of the Marriage State
for the Greater
Spiritual Sanctity of this Blessed Sacrament and the Glory
of God.
By Ruth Smythers
beloved wife of The Reverend L.D. Smythers, Pastor of the
Arcadian Methodist
Church of the Eastern Regional Conference
Published in the year of our Lord 1894, Spiritual Guidance
Press, New York
City
To the sensitive young woman who has had the benefits
of proper upbringing,
the wedding day is, ironically, both the happiest and the
most terrifying day
of her life. On the positive side, there is the wedding itself,
in which the
bride is the central attraction in a beautiful and inspiring
ceremony,
symbolizing her triumph in securing a male to provide for
all her needs for
the rest of her life. On the negative side, there is the
wedding night,
during which the bride must pay the piper, so to speak, by
facing for the
first time the terrible experience of sex.
At this point, dear reader, let me concede one shocking
truth. Some young
women actually anticipate the wedding night ordeal with curiosity
and
pleasure! Beware such an attitude! A selfish and sensual
husband can easily
take advantage of such a bride.
One cardinal rule of marriage should never be forgotten:
GIVE LITTLE, GIVE
SELDOM, AND ABOVE ALL, GIVE GRUDGINGLY. Otherwise what could
have been a
proper marriage could become an orgy of sexual lust.
On the other hand, the bride's terror need not be extreme.
While sex is at
best revolting and at worse rather painful, it has to be
endured, and has
been by women since the beginning of time, and is compensated
for by the
monogamous home and by the children produced through it.
It is useless, in most cases, for the bride to prevail
upon the groom to
forego the sexual initiation. While the ideal husband would
be one who would
approach his bride only at her request and only for the purpose
of begetting
offspring, such nobility and unselfishness cannot be expected
from the
average man.
Most men, if not denied, would demand sex almost every
day. The wise bride
will permit a maximum of two brief sexual experiences weekly
during the first
months of marriage. As time goes by she should make every
effort to reduce
this frequency.
Feigned illness, sleepiness, and headaches are among the
wife's best friends
in this matter. Arguments, nagging, scolding, and bickering
also prove very
effective, if used in the late evening about an hour before
the husband would
normally commence his seduction.
Clever wives are ever on the alert for new and better
methods of denying and
discouraging the amorous overtures of the husband. A good
wife should expect
to have reduced sexual contacts to once a week by the end
of the first year
of marriage and to once a month by the end of the fifth year
of marriage.
By their tenth anniversary many wives have managed to
complete their child
bearing and have achieved the ultimate goal of terminating
all sexual
contacts with the husband. By this time she can depend upon
his love for the
children and social pressures to hold the husband in the
home.
Just as she should be ever alert to keep the quantity
of sex as low as
possible, the wise bride will pay equal attention to limiting
the kind and
degree of sexual contacts. Most men are by nature rather
perverted, and if
given half a chance, would engage in quite a variety of the
most revolting
practices. These practices include among others performing
the normal act in
abnormal positions; mouthing the female body; and offering
their own vile
bodies to be mouthed in turn.
Nudity, talking about sex, reading stories about sex,
viewing photographs and
drawings depicting or suggesting sex are other obnoxious
habits the male is
likely to acquire if permitted.
A wise bride will make it her goal never to allow her
husband to see her
unclothed body, and never allow him to display his unclothed
body to her.
Sex, when it cannot be prevented, should be practiced only
in total darkness.
Many women have found it useful to have thick cotton nightgowns
for
themselves and pajamas for their husbands. These should be
donned in separate
rooms. They need not be removed during the sex act. Thus,
a minimum of flesh
is exposed.
Once the bride has donned her gown and turned off all
the lights, she should
lie quietly upon the bed and await her groom. When he comes
groping into the
room she should make no sound to guide him in her direction,
lest he take
this as a sign of encouragement. She should let him grope
in the dark. There
is always the hope that he will stumble and incur some slight
injury which
she can use as an excuse to deny him sexual access.
When he finds her, the wife should lie as still as possible.
Bodily motion on
her part could be interpreted as sexual excitement by the
optimistic husband.
If he attempts to kiss her on the lips she should turn
her head slightly so
that the kiss falls harmlessly on her cheek instead. If he
attempts to kiss
her hand, she should make a fist. If he lifts her gown and
attempts to kiss
her anyplace else she should quickly pull the gown back in
place, spring from
the bed, and announce that nature calls her to the toilet.
This will
generally dampen his desire to kiss in the forbidden territory.
If the husband attempts to seduce her with lascivious
talk, the wise wife
will suddenly remember some trivial non-sexual question to
ask him. Once he
answers she should keep the conversation going, no matter
how frivolous it
may seem at the time.
Eventually, the husband will learn that if he insists
on having sexual
contact, he must get on with it without amorous embellishment.
The wise wife
will allow him to pull the gown up no farther than the waist,
and only permit
him to open the front of his pajamas to thus make connection.
She will be absolutely silent or babble about her housework
while he is
huffing and puffing away. Above all, she will lie perfectly
still and never
under any circumstances grunt or groan while the act is in
progress.
As soon as the husband has completed the act the wise
wife will start nagging
him about various minor tasks she wishes him to perform on
the morrow. Many
men obtain a major portion of their sexual satisfaction from
the peaceful
exhaustion immediately after the act is over. Thus the wife
must insure that
there is no peace in this period for him to enjoy. Otherwise,
he might be
encouraged to soon try for more.
One heartening factor for which the wife can be grateful
is the fact that the
husband's home, school, church, and social environment have
been working
together all through his life to instill in him a deep sense
of guilt in
regards to his sexual feelings, so that he comes to the marriage
couch
apologetically and filled with shame, already half cowed
and subdued. The
wise wife seizes upon this advantage and relentlessly pursues
her goal first
to limit, later to annihilate completely her husband's desire
for sexual
expression.
-=-=--=-=-=--=-=-=--=-=
Have a magic day and pass it on.
Magic Mike http://funandmagic.com/
