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Magic Mike's Jokes Archive #22
Jokes from the mailbox, Magic Mailouts, NASA space
photo links and other great wallpaper photos,
and Firesign Phil's Planet Proctor Orbits
Back to Joke Archive
Entry Magic Mike's Joke
Page Parlor Magic Mike's Home
Page
These jokes are to laugh at ourselves, so please
do not take offense.
"Since all phenomena, is a product of one's
own mind, empty of meaning, like a magician's illusion,
having nothing to do with good or bad, acceptance or rejection, one might
burst out in laughter."
- Longchenpa, 13th century Tibetan monk.
Subject: NEW Planets!! Free DSL
Date: Fri, 31 Mar 2000 10:39:11 -0800
From: "Magic Mike" <mmb
Organization: http://funandmagic.com/
To: "you" <mmb
Hi,
Here is a nice artists rendition of the newly
discovered planets on a Star 117 light
years away. http://funandmagic.com/photolinks2.htm . It looks
great on your desk. Don't forget
to try the 2 slideshow program I have on the Free Utility
Software Page.
Have a magic day and pass it on.
Magic Mike
~magicmb/water.htm Redefining
Words ......
1.Abdicate - v. To give up all hope of ever having a flat
stomach.
2.Carcinoma - n. A valley in California, notable for its
heavy smog.
3.Esplanade - v., to attempt an explanation while drunk.4.Negligent - adj., describes a condition in which you absent-mindedly
answer the door in
your nightie.
5.Lymph - v To walk with a lisp.
6.Gargoyle - n., an olive-flavored mouthwash.
7.Bustard - n., a very rude Metrobus driver.
8.Coffee - n., a person who is coughed upon.
9.Flatulence - n., the emergency vehicle that picks you up
after you are runover by a
steamroller.
10.Balderdash - n., a rapidly receding hairline.
11.Semantics - n., pranks conducted by young men studying
for the priesthood, including
such things as gluing the
pages of the priest's prayer book together just before vespers.12.Marionettes - n., residents of Washington D.C. who have
been jerked around by the
mayor.
13.Oyster - n., a person who sprinkles his conversation with
Yiddish expressions.
-==-=--=-=-=--=-=-=---=
I have the power to channel my imagination into ever-soaringlevels of suspicion and paranoia.
0 0 0 0 0
I assume full responsibility for my actions, except
the ones
that are someone else's fault.
0 0 0 0 0
I no longer need to punish, deceive, or compromise
myself,
unless, of course, I want to stay employed.
0 0 0 0 0
I am grateful that I am not as judgmental as all
those
censorious, self-righteous people around me.
0 0 0 0 0
Only a lack of imagination saves me from immobilizingmyself with imaginary fears.
0 0 0 0 0
Does my quiet self-pity get to you or should I move
up to
incessant nagging?
0 0 0 0 0
Today I will gladly share my experience and advice, forthere are no sweeter words than "I told you so."
-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=
-=--
Shakey went to a psychiatrist. "Doc," he said,
"I've got trouble.
Every time I get into bed, I think there's somebody under
it. I
get under the bed, I think there's somebody on top of it.
Top,
under, top, under ... you gotta help me, I'm going crazy!"
"Just put yourself in my hands for two years,"
said the shrink.
"Come to me three times a week, and I'll cure your fears."
"How much do you charge?"
"A hundred dollars per visit."
"I'll sleep on it," said Shakey.
Six months later the doctor met Shakey on the street.
"Why
didn't you ever come to see me again?" asked the psychiatrist.
"For a hundred buck's a visit? A bartender cured
me for ten
dollars."
"Is that so! How?"
"He told me to cut the legs off the bed!"
-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=--=-=-=-=
Was heard on a public transportation vehicle while in
Orlando.
"When you exit this vehicle, please be sure to lower
your head
and watch your step.
If you fail to do so, please lower your voice and watch
your
language. Thank you."
-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=
-=-=-=-=
The choir director selected the 6-year-old little boy
with the
sweetest face for the opening scene of the play. "Now,
all you
have to do is, when I direct the choir to sing '...and the
angel
lit the candle', you come on stage and light all the candles."
"I can do it - I can do it!" the little boy
said, excited to be
the one picked.
Rehearsals came and went, and finally the big night arrived.
The
choir was in grand voice, the stage was beautifully decorated
with
dozens of unlit candles all around, awaiting the moment when
the
cute littlest angel made his interest.
The director gave the downbeat, the orchestra began to
play, and
the choir swept into the introductory lines, ending with
an
expectant "...and the angel lit the candle," and
everyone looked
stage right for the entrance. No little boy. The director
gave the
downbeat again, and gestured for a louder line, which the
choir
gave him - "...and the angel lit the candle," and
again, all eyes
looked stage right. No little boy.
The director, beginning to sweat, motioned with great,
sweeping
gestures, and the choir thundered into the line - the curtains
belled
slightly from the sound - "...AND THE ANGEL LIT THE
CANDLE!"
And into the silence which followed came a clear, boy-soprano
voice
floating piercingly from stage right "...and the cat
peed on the
matches!"
-=-=--=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=---
"Marine biology researchers have developed a new
method to fend
off shark attacks. If you are diving and are approached by
a shark
they recommend that you swim towards it aggressively and
punch it
in the nose as hard as possible."
"If this doesn't work, beat the shark with your stump."
--
Have a magic day and pass it on.
Magic Mike http://funandmagic.com/
.- - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - -
----------------
Get long distance as low as 3 cents a minute - http://ld.net/?phon4lessThe BEST, cheapest water filter is a solid carbon block~magicmb/water.htm
FEED THE HUNGRY. Corporate sponsors pay. http://www.thehungersite.com
Subject: Bryce Canyon wallpaper
Date: Thu, 30 Mar 2000 10:10:05 -0800
From: "Magic Mike" <mmb
Organization: http://funandmagic.com/
To: "you" <mmb
Hi,
I think you'll like this photo of Bryce Canyon
from Inspiration Point, all bathed in
red light. It makes a great wallpaper for today. http://funandmagic.com/photolinks2.htm
.
If you haven't yet signed up for AllAdvantage,http://www.alladvantage.com/home.asp?refid=dok-571
, be sure to do so. It makes your
Internet pay for itself and more. Be sure to refer my number
dok-571. If you have the
viewbar and are not using it, kick it in gear, it is relatively
easy to deal with. My
check for this month is over $30 again. I have 10 people
signed up as referrals, but some
don't have their viewbar yet. My check should soon be over
$50 and I'm looking forward
more. You can copy my pay to surf page and paste in YOUR
account numbers if you wish. Then
upload it to a free site host like Xoom, or Bizland and register
the address with search
engines, etc. Let me know if you signed up.
Have a magic day and pass it on.
Magic Mike http://funandmagic.com/paid2surf.htm
"Is this the MAN of the house speaking?"
* "Naw. <laughing .the Nerd's away on a business trip."
"Is this the MAN of the house speaking?"
* "Hold on while I take a look."
"Is this the MAN of the house speaking?"
* "She's not home right now."
"Is this the MAN of the house speaking?"
* "The Man-of-the-House DIED last week."
"Is this the MAN of the house speaking?"
* "Doh?" <repeat as necessary
"Is this the MAN of the house speaking?"
* <authoritative voice "This is a secure FBI line.
How did you get this
number?"
-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=
-=-=-
An airliner was having engine trouble, and the pilotinstructed the cabin crew to have the passengers
take their seats and prepare for an emergency landing.A few minutes later the pilot asked the flight attendantsif everyone was buckled in and ready. "All set
back here,"
came the reply, "except for one lawyer who's stillpassing out business cards."
-=-=-=-=-=-=--=-=
A census taker in a rural area went up to a farmhouse
and
knocked. When a woman came to the door, he asked her howmany children she had and their ages.
She said, "Les' see now, there's the twins, Sally
and Billy,
they're eighteen. And the twins, Seth & Beth, they're
sixteen.
And the twins, Penny and Jenny, they're fourteen."
"Hold on!" said the census taker, "Did
you get twins every
time?"
The woman answered, "Heck no, there were hundreds
of
times we didn't get nothin'."
--=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=
A lawyer cross-examined the adversary's main witness.
"You
claim to have stopped by Mrs. Edwards' house just afterbreakfast. Will you tell the jury what she said?"
"Objection, your honor," shouted the other lawyer.
There then followed a long argument between the lawyers
as to
whether the question was proper. Finally, after 45 minutes,
the
judge allowed it.
"So," the first lawyer continued, "Please
answer the
question: What did Mrs. Edwards say when you went to herhouse after breakfast on December 3rd?"
"Nothing," said the witness. "No one was home."
-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=
-=
You heard about the new hair salon which opened up rightacross the street from the old established hair cutters'
place,
didn't you? They put up a big old sign, "WE GIVE
SEVEN
DOLLAR HAIR CUTS!"
Not to be outdone, the old shop put out their own sign:
"WE FIX SEVEN DOLLAR HAIR CUTS"
-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=
-
A big, burly man visited the pastor's home and asked to
see the
minister's wife, a woman well known for her charitable impulses.
"Madam," he said in a broken voice, "I
wish to draw your attention to the
terrible plight of a poor family in this district. The father
is dead, the
mother is too ill to work and the nine children are starving.
They are
about to be turned into the cold, empty streets unless someone
pays their
rent, which amounts to $400."
"How terrible!" exclaimed the preacher's wife. "May I ask who you are?"
The sympathetic visitor applied his handkerchief to his eyes.
"I'm the landlord!" he sobbed.
--
Have a magic day and pass it on.
Magic Mike http://funandmagic.com/
.- - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - -
----------------
.
Get long distance as low as 3 cents a minute - http://ld.net/?phon4less.The BEST, cheapest water filter is a solid carbon block~magicmb/water.htm.
FEED THE HUNGRY. Corporate sponsors pay. http://www.thehungersite.com
Subject:
El Capitan, so many jokes and a Planet Proctor
Date:
Tue, 28 Mar 2000 23:55:22 -0800
From:
"Magic Mike" <mmb
Organization:
http://funandmagic.com/
To:
"you" <mmb
We need not worry so much about what man descends FROM... It's what he descends TO that shames the human race... ---Mark Twain
Hi,
I hope you are doing okay. The site seems
to becoming more stable, at
http://funandmagic.com/
but I now keep a mirror site at http://funandmagic.com/ . Always
use the 1st one, unless
it's down.
Here is a winter morning at Yosemite National Park, looking
at El Capitan.
http://funandmagic.com/photolinks2.htm .
making money for being online.
Tell your friends and get make more! At least it pays for
your Internet use.
A lot of jokes and Firesign Theater's Phil Proctor adds his
Planet Proctor to the bottom.
Have a magic day. Pass this on.
Magic Mike
http://funandmagic.com/
-=-=-=-=-=-=---=-=-=------
Low Self Esteem Support Group will meet Thursday at 7 PM. Please use.the back door.
----=-=-=-=-=-=----=------=
Two rabbinical students were caught by the Rabbi gambling
and drinking in
the company of undesirable characters even before the sun
set on the
evening of the Sabbath. The Rabbi called them into his study
the next day.
Both confessed to having given in to weakness, and admitted
that they
deserved punishment. The Rabbi thought and then went into
his kitchen and
brought back two bags of dried peas.
"Put these in your shoes," he told them, "and
walk on them for a week, to
remind yourself how hard life can be when you turn away from
the Law."
A few days later the two students met. One was limping
terribly, had dark
circles under his eyes, and looked very tired. The other
seemed much as he
had been the week before.
"Hey," said the first. "How is it that
you are walking so freely? Didn't
you do as the Rabbi told us and put the peas in your shoes?"
"Of course I did," said the other. "How could I disobey the Rabbi?"
He started to walk away, paused and then said "But I boiled them first."
-=--=-=----=-=-=-----
An applican't was filling out a job application.
When he came
to the question, "Have you ever been arrested?"
he wrote,
"No."
The next question, intended for people who had answered
in
the affirmative to the previous question, was "Why?"
The applican't answered it anyway: "Never got caught."
_ _ __ ___ ____ ______Church Humor ________ ______ ____ ___
A little girl became restless as the preacher's sermon
dragged
on and on. Finally, she leaned over to her mother and whispered,"Mommy, if we give him the money now, will he let us
go?"
A boy was watching his father, a pastor, write a sermon.
"How
do you know what to say?" he asked. "Why,
God tells me."
"Oh, then why do you keep crossing things out?"
A 6-year-old was overheard reciting the Lord's Prayer
at a church
service:" And forgive us our trash passes as we forgive
those who
passed trash against us."
After a church service on Sunday Morning, a young boy
suddenly
announced to his mother, "Mom, I've decided to become
a minister
when I grow up." "That's okay with us, but what
made you decide
that?" "Well," said the little boy, "I
have to go to church
on Sunday anyway, and I figure it will be more fun topstand up and yell than to set down and listen."
A Sunday School teacher challenged her children to take
some time
on Sunday afternoon to write a letter to God. They were to
bring
their letter back the following Sunday. One little
boy wrote,
"Dear God, We had a good time at church today. Wish
you could
have been there."
-=---=-=-=---=--=-=
These two nuns are ordered to paint a room in the
convent,
and the last instruction of the Mother Superior is
that they
must not get even a drop of paint on their habits.
After conferring about this for a while, the two
nuns decide
to lock the door of the room, strip off their habits,
and paint
in the nude.
In the middle of the project, there comes a knock
at the door.
"Who is it?", calls one of the nuns.
"The blind man," replies
a voice from the other side of the door.
The two nuns look at each other and shrug, and,
deciding that
no harm can come from letting a blind man into the
room, they
open the door.
"Nice tits," says the man. "Where do you want these blinds?
=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-
A man and his wife were making their first doctor visit
prior to
the birth of their first child. After everything checked
out, the
doctor took a small stamp and stamped the wife's stomach
with
indelible ink.
The couple was curious about what the stamp was for, so
when
they got home, he dug out his magnifying glass to try to
see
what it was. In very tiny letters, the stamp said,
"When you
can read this, come back and see me."
--=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=------
A Swiss guy, looking for directions, pulls up at a bus
stop
where two Englishmen are waiting. "Entschuldigung, koennenSie Deutsch sprechen?" he says. The two Englishmen juststare at him.
"Excusez-moi, parlez vous Francais?" The two
continue to
stare. "Parlare Italiano?" No response, "Hablan
ustedes
Espanol?" Still nothing. the Swiss guy drives off, extremelydisgusted.
The first Englishman turns to the second and says, "Y'know,maybe we should learn a foreign language...."
"Why?" says the other, "That bloke knew
four languages, and it
didn't do him any good."
-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=---=-=
=-
A lawyer's wife dies. At the cemetery, people are
appalled to
see that the tombstone reads, "Here lies Phyllis, wife
of
Murray, L.L.D., Wills, Divorce, Malpractice."
Suddenly, Murray bursts into tears. His brother
says, "You
should cry, pulling a stunt like this!"
Through his tears, Murray croaks, "You don't understand!
They
left out the phone number!"
-=-=-=-=-=-=--=-=
"An abstract noun," the teacher said, "is
something you can
think of, but you can't touch it. Can you give me an
example
of one?"
"Sure," a teenage boy replied. "My father's new car."
=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-==-=-=
A woman answered her front door and found two little boys holding a list.
"Lady," one of them explained, "we're on
a scavenger hunt and we still
need three grains of wheat, a pork-chop bone and a piece
of used carbon
paper to earn a dollar."
"Wow," the woman replied. "Who sent you on such a challenging hunt?"
"Our baby-sitter's boyfriend."
=-==-==-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-==-=
Officer: Solder, do you have change for a dollar?
Solider: Sure, buddy.
Officer: That's no way to address an officer!
Now let's try it
again, Soldier, do you have change for a dollar?
Solider: No, SIR!
=-==-=-=-==-=-=-=-=-
Taxiing down the tarmac, the jetliner abruptly stopped,
turned
around and returned to the gate. After an hour long wait,
it
finally took off.
A concerned passenger asked the flight attendant, "What
was
the problem?"
"The pilot was bothered by a noise he heard in the
engine," he
explained. "It took us awhile to find a new pilot."
-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=
CLASSIFIED CLASSICS
No matter what your topcoat is made of, this miracle spraywill make it really repellent.
For sale: an antique desk suitable for lady with thick
legs
and large drawers.
We do not tear your clothing with machinery. We do itcarefully by hand.
Now is your chance to have your ears pierced and get anextra pair to take home, too.
Toaster: A gift that every member of the family appreciates.Automatically burns toast.
Dinner Special -- Turkey $2.35; Chicken or Beef $2.25;Children $2.00.
Dog for sale: eats anything and is fond of children.
For sale: a quilted high chair that can be made into atable, pottie chair, rocking horse, refrigerator,spring coat, size 8 and fur collar.
Sheer stockings. Designed for fancy dress, but soserviceable that lots of women wear nothing else.
Auto Repair Service. Free pick-up and delivery. Tryus once, you'll never go anywhere again.
Used Cars: Why go elsewhere to be cheated?
Come here first!
We build bodies that last a lifetime.
Semi-Annual after-Christmas Sale.
And now, the Superstore - unequaled in size, unmatchedin variety, unrivaled inconvenience.
=-=-==-=-==-=-
A man goes into a bar very thirsty. He sits down waiting
for the
bartender to see him. The man next to him calls for the bartender
saying,
"I'll have another waterloo."
The bartender gives him a tall ice cold drink, then asks
the newcomer what
he would like to drink.
Wanting to try this new drink he says
"I'll have a waterloo too."
The bartender gives him a tall ice cold drink. He takes
a big drink and
says "HEY! This isn't any good. It tastes just like
water!"
The man next to him looks at the bartender and says
"Well, it is water...right Lou?
=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=--==-
Who Do You Remember?
* Name the ten wealthiest people in the world.* Name the last ten Heisman trophy winners.
* Name the last ten winners of the Miss America contest.* Name eight people who have won the Nobel or Pulitzer prize.* How about the last ten Academy Award winners for best picture,
or
* The last decade's worth of World Series winners?
How did you do? I didn't do well either. With
the exception of you trivia
hounds, none of us remember the headliners of yesterday too
well.
Surprising how quickly we forget, isn't it? And
what I've mentioned above are no
second-rate achievements. These are the best in their
fields. But the
applause dies. Awards tarnish. Achievements are forgotten.
Accolades and certificates
are buried with their owners.
Here's another quiz. See how you do on this one:
* Think of three people you enjoy spending time with.* Name ten people who have taught you something worthwhile.* Name five friends who have helped you in a difficult time.* List a few teachers who have aided your journey through
school.
* Name half-a-dozen heroes whose stories have inspired you.
Easier? It was for me, too. The lesson? The people
who make a difference are not the ones
with the credentials, but the ones with the concern
--==-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-==--=
A guy goes up to this girl in a bar and says, "Would
you like to
dance?"
The girl says, "I don't like this song, but even
if I did, I wouldn't
dance with you."
The guy says, "I'm sorry, you must have misunderstood
me, I
said you look fat in those pants."
-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=
One day, after a man had his annual physical, the doctor
came
out and said, "You had a great check-up. Is there anything
that
you'd like to talk about or ask me?"
"Well," he said, "I was thinking about getting a vasectomy."
"That's a pretty big decision. Have you talked it
over with your
family?"
"Yeah, and they're in favor 15 to 2."
=-=-=-=-=-=-==-=-
One Sunday a cowboy went to church. When he entered, hesaw that he and the preacher were the only ones present.
The
preacher asked the cowboy if he wanted him to go ahead andpreach.
The cowboy said, "I'm not too smart, but if I went
to feed my
cattle and only one showed up, I'd feed him."
So the minister began his sermon.
One hour passed, then two hours, then two-and-a-half hours.The preacher finally finished and came down to ask the cowboyhow he liked the sermon.
The cowboy answered slowly, "Well, I'm not very smart,
but if I
went to feed my cattle and only one showed up, I sure wouldn'tfeed him all the hay."
-=-==-=-=-=-==-==-=-=-=-
A minister was opening his mail one morning. Drawing
a
single sheet of paper from an envelope he found written on
it
only one word: "FOOL".
The next Sunday he announced, "I have known many
people
who have written letters and forgot to sign their name.
"But this week I received a letter from someone who
signed
his name and had forgotten to write a letter."
-=-==-=-=-==-==-
My nephew and I were playing a game of chess tonight.
In
desperation he mockingly tried to cheat. In a poor
imitation of
an Italian gangster I said, "You want I should beat
you up?"
He replied in turn, "I'll kill you first."
"Ah," I replied. "The Sicilian Defense."
=-==-==-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-==-
Arbitrator \ar'-bi-tray-ter\:
A cook that leaves Arby's to work at McDonald's.
Avoidable \uh-voy'-duh-buhl\:
What a bullfighter tries to do.
Baloney \buh-lo'-nee\:
Where some hemlines fall.
Bernadette \burn'-a-det\:
The act of torching a mortgage.
Burglarize \bur'-gler-ize\:
What a crook sees with.
Counterfeiters \kown-ter-fit-ers\:
Workers who put together kitchen cabinets.
Eclipse \e-klips'\:
What an English barber does for a living.
Eyedropper \i'-drop-ur\:
A clumsy ophthalmologist.
Heroes \hee'-rhos\:
What a guy in a boat does.
Left Bank \left' bangk'\:
What the robber did when his bag was full of loot.
Misty \mis'-tee\:
How golfers create divots.
Paradox \par'-uh-doks\:
Two physicians.
Parasites \par'-uh-sites\:
What you see from the top of the Eiffel Tower.
Pharmacist \farm'-uh-sist\:
A helper on the farm.
Polarize \po'-lur-ize\:
What penguins see with.
-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=--=-=
-MOM?-
Late one Saturday evening, I was awakened by the
ringing of my phone.
In a sleepy, grumpy voice, I said, "Hello."
The party on the other
end of the line paused for a moment before rushing
breathlessly into
a lengthy speech.
"Mom, this is Susan and I'm sorry I woke you
up, but I had to call
because I'm going to be a little late getting home.
See, Dad's car
has a flat but it's not my fault. Honest! I don't know
what happened.
The tire just went flat while we were inside the theater.
Please
don't be mad, okay?"
Since I don't have any daughters, I knew the person
had misdialed.
"I'm sorry, dear, "I replied, "but I
have to tell you you've reached
the wrong number. I don't have a daughter named Susan.
In fact, I
don't have any daughter at all."
A pause.
"Gosh, Mom," came the young woman's quivering
voice, "I didn't think
you'd be this mad."
=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-==-
Grandpa and Little Johnny are sitting on a bench in the park.
Johnny asked, "Grandpa are you going to take that
new
Viagra?"
Grandpa looks at him and says "No Johnny, I will not."
"But Grandpa, why?" asks little Johnny. Grandpa replies.
"Because there is no sense in putting lead in your
pencil if you
have no one worth writing to."
-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-
A guy is walking along when suddenly he got his foot caughtstuck in some railroad tracks. He tried to get it out but
it
was really stuck in there well. He heard a noise and turnedaround to see a train coming. He panicked and started topray, "God, please get my foot out of these tracks and
I'll
stop drinking!" Nothing happened, it was still stuck,
and
the train was getting closer! He prayed again, "God,
please
get my foot out and I'll stop drinking AND cussing!"
Still
nothing.....and the train was just seconds away! He tried
it
one more time, "God please, if you get my foot out of
the
tracks, I'll quit drinking, cussing, smoking and having sexwith all the women I meet." Suddenly his
foot shot out of
the tracks and he was able to dive out of the way, just asthe train passed!
He got up, dusted himself off, looked toward Heaven andsaid "Thanks anyway God, I got it myself."
-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-
APPLICATION TO DATE MY DAUGHTER
Note: This application will be incomplete and rejected unlessaccompanied by a complete financial statement, job history,lineage, and current medical report from your physician.
1. What is your name, age, social security number, IQ
and boy
scout rank?
2. Do you have one male and one female parent? ____If "No", explain:
3. Do you own or have access to a van? ____4. A truck with oversize tires? ____
5. waterbed? ____
6. Do you have an earring, nose ring, or belly buttonring? ____
7. Do you have a tattoo? ____
*If you have answered YES to #3, #4 or #5, discontinueapplication and leave immediately.*
8. In fifty words or less, what does LATE mean to you?
9. In fifty words or less, what does DON'T TOUCH MY DAUGHTERmean to you?
10. In fifty words or less, what does ABSTINENCE mean to you?
11. In fifty words or less, what does REAL PAIN mean to you?
12. Church/Temple you attend: ____________________________
13. How often do you attend: ____________________________
14. When would be the best time to interview your mother,father and priest/rabbi? ____________________________
15. Please fill in the blanks:
If I were shot, the last place on my body I would want woundedwould be my ____________________________
If I were beaten, the last bone I would want broken would
be
my ____________________________
A woman's place is in the ____________________________The one thing I hope this application doesn't askis ____________________________
When I meet a girl, the one thing I always notice about herfirst is ____________________________
*Note: If answer to last question begins with "T"
or "A",
discontinue and leave premises - keeping your head low andrunning in a serpentine fashion is advised*
What do you want to be IF you grow up?
I swear that all the above information is correct to the
best
of my knowledge under penalty of death, bodily harm,dismemberment, torture or mental abuse.
Signature of applican't _________________________________Signature of father _____________________________________Signature of mother ____________________________________Signature of priest/rabbi ___________________________________Signature of State Representative _________________________
Thank you for your interest, and it had better be genuine
and
non-sexual. Please allow 4-6 years for processing. You will
be
contacted in writing if approved. If denied, please neverapply again. Don't call me, I'll call you.
-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=---=
Charlie marries a virgin. On their wedding night, he's
on fire,
so he gets naked, jumps into bed, and immediately beginsgroping her.
"Charles, I expect you to be as mannerly in bed as
you are at
the dinner table."
So, Charlie folds his hands on his lap and says, "Is this better?"
"Much better!" she replies with a smile.
"Okay, then," he says, "now will you please pass the pussy."
---=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=
-=--
HOW TO SPEAK ABOUT WOMEN
AND BE POLITICALLY CORRECT:
She is not a BABE or a CHICK - She is a BREASTED AMERICAN.
She is not a BLEACHED BLONDE - She is PEROXIDE DEPENDENT.
She is not an UNTOUCHABLE SNOB - She is a SCRATCH RESISTANT MODEL.
She is not a BAD COOK - She is MICROWAVE COMPATIBLE.
She is not HALF NAKED - She is WARDROBE IMPAIRED.
She does not wear TOO MUCH JEWELRY - She is METALLICALLY OVERBURDENED.
She is not CONCEITED - She is INTIMATELY AWARE OF HER BEST QUALITIES.
She does not want to be MARRIED - She wants to lock you
in DOMESTIC
INCARCERATION.
She does not GAIN WEIGHT - She is a METABOLIC UNDERACHIEVER.
She is not a SCREAMER or MOANER - She is VOCALLY APPRECIATIVE.
She is not EASY - She is HORIZONTALLY ACCESSIBLE.
She does not TEASE or FLIRT - She engages in ARTIFICIAL STIMULATION.
She is not DUMB - She is a DETOUR OFF THE INFORMATION SUPERHIGHWAY.
She is not TOO SKINNY - She is SKELETALLY PROMINENT.
She does not HAVE A MUSTACHE - She is IN TOUCH WITH HER MASCULINE SIDE.
She does not HATE TELEVISED SPORTS - She is ATHLETICALLY IGNORANT.
She has not BEEN AROUND - She is a PREVIOUSLY ENJOYED COMPANION.
She does not WEAR TOO MUCH PERFUME - She commits FRAGRANCE ABUSE.
She does not GET YOU EXCITED - She causes TEMPORARY BLOOD DISPLACEMENT.
She is not KINKY - She is a CREATIVE CARETAKER.
She does not have a KILLER BODY - She is TERMINALLY ATTRACTIVE.
She does not GO SHOPPING - She is MALL FLUENT.
She is not an AIRHEAD - She is REALITY IMPAIRED.
She does not get DRUNK or TIPSY - She gets CHEMICALLY INCONVENIENCED.
She does not get FAT or CHUBBY - She achieves MAXIMUM DENSITY.
She is not COLD or FRIGID - She is THERMALLY INACCESSIBLE.
She is not HORNY - She is SEXUALLY FOCUSED.
She does not WEAR TOO MUCH MAKEUP - She has reached COSMETIC SATURATION.
She does not have BREAST IMPLANTS - She is MEDICALLY ENHANCED.
She does not NAG YOU - She becomes VERBALLY REPETITIVE
She is not a SLUT - She is SEXUALLY EXTROVERTED.
She is not LOOSE - She is ELASTICALLY UNDERPRIVILEGED.
She does not have MAJOR LEAGUE HOOTERS - She is PECTORALLY SUPERIOR.
-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=
-=-=
SOME CARDS YOU WILL NEVER SEE IN HALLMARK:
"Looking back over the years that we've been together,
I
can't help but wonder: What the fuck was I thinking?"
"Congratulations on your wedding day! Too bad no
one
likes your wife."
"How could two people as beautiful you have such
an ugly
baby?"
"I've always wanted to have someone to hold, someone
to
love. After having met you, I've changed my mind."
"I must admit, you brought Religion in my life. I
never
believed in Hell til I met you."
"As the days go by, I think of how lucky I am that
you're not
here to ruin it for me."
"If I get only one thing for Christmas, I hope it's
your
sister."
"As you grow older, Mum, I think of all the gifts
you've
given me. Like the need for therapy..."
"Thanks for being a part of my life!!!I never knew
what
evil was before this!"
"Congratulations on your promotion. Before you go,
would
like to take this knife out of my back. You'll probably needit again."
"Someday I hope to get married, but not to you."
"Happy Birthday! You look great for your age...Almost Lifelike!
"When we were together, you always said you'd die
for me. Now
that we've broke up, I think it's time you kept your promise."
"I knew the day would come when you would leave me
for my best
friend. So here's his leash, water bowl and chew toys."
"We have been friends for a very long time, what
say we
call it quits."
"I'm so miserable without you, it's almost like you're here."
"Congratulations on your new bundle of joy. Did you
ever
find out who the father was?"
"You are such a good friend that if we were on a
sinking
ship and there was only one life jacket.... I'd miss youheaps and think of you often."
"Your friends and I wanted to do something special
for
your birthday--so we're having you put to sleep."
"Happy Birthday, Uncle Dad!!" (available only in Kentucky)
-=-=-=----------=-------
A son says to his father, Daddy, before you married Mommy,
who told you how
to drive?
-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=
Late one night in the insane asylum one inmate shouted,
I am Napoleon?
Another said, How do you know?
The first inmate said, God told me.
Just then a voice from the next room shouted, I did not!
-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=--=-=
--=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=--
Subject:
PP 2000/7
Date:
Mon, 27 Mar 2000 19:09:16 -0500
From:
"phil proctor" <PProctor@compuserve.com
To:
"A.A.A 3" <pproctor@compuserve.com
((((((((((((((((( PLANET PROCTOR 2000/7 - http://www.planetproctor.com
"Wub woo bub bub wub, wub." - V.P.
Al Gore in a 6th grade improv class
OSCAR, MILLER, MELINDA AND JAG
Well, it's all
over but the hangover, and the statue named after
Betty Davis' husband has been awarded to various folks in
a generally
flashy and fun evening, thanks in no small part to Billy
Crystal.
Still, Brad Schreiber,
in his "Development Hell" column, decries a
few omissions, among which are:
"Best Use
of Surrealism as a Metaphor for the Level of Pollution in
Southern California: The frog rainstorm in 'Magnolia'...Best
Use of Special
Effects to Compensate for Keanu Reeve's Inability to Act:
'The Maitrix'..."
and "Movie Which Deserved More Nominations But Only
Got Sound Effects
Editing Because It Messed with People's Minds and Made Them
Just a Bit Too
Uncomfortable: 'The Fight Club'."
But you'll be
rewarded if you tune in to "Jag" this Tuesday at 8pm
on CBS, because my talented and beautiful wife, Melinda Peterson,
has a
scene playing the Mom of a girl who's in a peck o' trouble
for disobeying
orders.
And "It's
Miller Time!"-- as previews start soon for the revival of
Arthur Miller's "The Man Who had All the Luck",
with a special preview on
April 9th for all of you who have acted, directed or otherwise
participated
in a production of any other Miller play. It will be a very
special
evening, so call the new Antaeus box office line at 818.506-8462
(506-VINA)
for reservations and details of other previews prior to our
opening on
Saturday, April 15th.
"Drive carefully. We need every taxpayer we can get." - Patty Paul
IRLANDO
Spanish singer
Julio Iglesias was on television with British TV
host Anne Diamond when he used the word 'Manyana'.
Diamond asked him to
explain what it meant. He said that the term means "Maybe
the job will be
done to-morrow, maybe the next day, maybe the day after that
-- perhaps
next week, next month, next year, who cares?" The host turned
to Irishman Shay Brennan who was also on the show
and asked him if there was an equivalent term in Irish. "No,"
replied
Brennan. "In Ireland we don't have a word to describe
that degree of
urgency." (From Magic Mike
)
A recent casting breakdown had the following
call for a Volvo spot:
"GUY: Young, interesting, sexy, Dusty Hoffman or other
Jewish hunk. Maybe
Tim Rice..." - Martin Lewis
THE LOOOOOVE
DRESS
The mother-in-law
stopped unexpectedly by the recently married
couple's house. She rang the doorbell and stepped into the
house only to
find her daughter-in-law standing naked by the door. "What
are you doing?"
she asked.
"I'm waiting
for my husband to come home from work."
"But you're
naked!" the mother-in-law exclaimed.
"This is
my love dress," the daughter-in-law explained.
"Love dress?
But you're naked!"
"My husband
loves me to wear this dress! It makes him happy and it
makes me happy, and I 'd appreciate it if you'd leave because
he'll be home
from work any minute."
The mother-in-law
left in a huff, but she couldn't stop thinking
about the love dress; so when she got home, she undressed,
showered, put on
her best perfume and waited by the front door.
Finally her husband
came home, walked in and saw her standing naked
by the door. "What in the world are you doing?"
he asked.
"This is
my love dress," she replied.
"Needs ironing!"
"I am not comfortable about the Brits
telling us how to deal with our
Bill of Rights. I think we settled that in 1776, didn't we?"
- NRA's
Charton Heston on Smith & Weston's decision to offer
safety locks.
"Gun Control: Use both hands." - Phil's Phunnies
WE ARE THE
WORLD?
Taylor Jessen
writes: "Xerox may have once held deed to the
country; but now America, and in fact all nations, belong
to another.
Regular NPR listeners know that'The World is a co-production
of the BBC
World Service, PRI, and WGBH Boston.' And I for one vote
not to cut the
funding."
From the
Freditor of the FireZine, in a silent movie chat group:
"Hey Republicans! Tired of seeing the White House occupied
by a glad-
handing young Southern governor with a history of shading
the truth about
his business dealings, draft dodging, drug use and bad boy
behavior? No, I
guess you aren't."
And Lyn Etienne
writes by way of Bill Bowles, "I was working in a
Wall Street investment bank when someone from the information
technology
group came by our office asking us to enter our passwords
in the new
software system. My colleague Barry with his usual rebellious
attitude
entered the password "Penis". We all fell on the
floor with laugher when
the computer replied:
*** PASSWORD REJECTED. TOO SHORT *****
"What does an actor know about politics?"
- President Ronald Reagan, on
activist Ed Asner.
I'M BUSHED "When I was
coming up, it was a dangerous world, and you knew
exactly who they were. It was Us vs. Them, and it was clear
who them was.
Today, we are not so sure who the they are, but we know they'rethere...This is still a dangerous world. It's a world of
madmen and
uncertainty and potential mental losses.
Rarely is the
question asked: Is our children learning? I think
it's important for those of us in a position of responsibility
to be firm
in sharing our experiences, to understand that the babies
out of wedlock is
a very difficult chore for mom and baby alike...And, you
know, hopefully,
condoms will work, but it hasn't. There needs to be debates,
like we're
going through. There needs to be town-hall meetings. There
needs to be
travel. This is a huge country. Will the highways on the
Internet become
more few?
The administration
I'll bring is a group of men and women who are
focused on what's best for America, honest men and women,
decent men and
women, women who will see service to our country as a great
privilege and
who will not stain the house.
If you're sick
and tired of the politics of cynicism and polls and
principles, come and join this campaign." (Actual
Geedubbya quotes)
"Don't smell it - sell it!" - William Morris Agency
AN UNCHAIN
LETTER
This chain letter
was started in hopes of bringing relief to tired
and discouraged women. Unlike most chain letters, this one
does not cost
anything. Just send a copy of this letter to five of
your friends who are
equally tired and discontented. Then bundle up your husband
or boyfriend
and send him to the woman whose name appears at the top of
the list, and
add your name to the bottom of the list.
When your turn
comes, you will receive 15,625 men. One of them is
bound to be better than the one you already have. At the
writing of this
letter, a friend of mine had already received 184 men, 4
of whom were worth
keeping. REMEMBER----this chain brings luck. One woman's
pit bull died, and
the next day she received an NFL offensive tackle. An unmarried
woman
living with her widowed mother was able to choose between
an orthodontist
and a successful gynecologist. You can be lucky too, but
DO NOT BREAK THE
CHAIN!
One woman broke
the chain, and got her own husband back again.
"Picking the lesser of two evils still
means you're picking evil." -
Jesse Ventura on the presidential race, citing Gerry Garcia.
WORLDWIDE SEX!!! Here are a few
of the World's more important laws: In Lebanon - men
are legally allowed to have sex with animals, but the animals
must be
female. Having sexual relations with a male animal is punishable
by death.
(Like THAT makes sense.)
Muslim people
are banned from looking at the genitals of a corpse.
This also applies to undertakers; the sex organs of the deceased
must be
covered with a brick or piece of wood at all times.
(A brick??).
In Hong Kong - a betrayed wife is legally allowed to kill
her adulterous
husband, but may only do so with her bare hands. The husband's
lover, on
the other hand, may be killed in any manner desired. (Ah!
Justice!)
The penalty for
masturbation in Indonesia is decapitation. (Wonder
which head?) There are men in Guam whose full-time job is
to travel the
countryside and deflower young virgins, who pay them for
the privilege of
having sex for the first time... Reason: under Guam law,
it is expressly
forbidden for virgins to marry. (Let's just think for a minute;
is there
any job anywhere else in the world that even comes close
to this?).
In Cali, Colombia
- a woman may only have sex with her husband, and
the first time this happens, her mother must be in the room
to witness the
act. (Makes one shudder at the thought.) In Santa Cruz, Bolivia
- it is
illegal for a man to have sex with a woman and her daughter
at the same
time. (I presume this was a big enough problem that they
had to pass this
law?)
Topless saleswomen
are legal in Liverpool, England - but only in
tropical fish stores. (But of course!) while back here, in
Maryland, it's
illegal to sell condoms from vending machines with one exception:prophylactics may be dispensed from a vending machine only
"in places where
alcoholic beverages are sold for consumption on the premises."
(Is this a
great country or what? Not as great as Guam!)
- From Otis Paul.
Shaquille O'Neal on whether he had
visited the Parthenon during his
visit to Greece: "I can't really remember the names
of the clubs that we
went to."
CHURCH IN THE
LURCH
From bloopers
compiled by Richard Lederer in "The Funny Times":
"The Ladies Bible Study will be held Thursday morning
at 10. All ladies
are invited to lunch in the Fellowship Hall after the B.S.
is done."
"Would the
Congregation please note that the bowl in the back of
the Church labeled 'For The Sick' is for monetary donations
only."
"Eight new
choir robes are needed due to the addition of new
members and to the deterioration of some older ones." "The next
hymn will be "Angels we Have Heard Get High.'"
"Ushers will eat late-comers."
"We apologize for the error in
last week's paper in which we stated
that Mr. Arnold Dogbody was a defective in the police force.
We meant, of
course, that Mr. Dogbody is a detective in the police farce."
- The Ely
Standard
PUTIN IS PUT
IN
"The plumber will come and
will smash the toilet; the gasman will
break the gas stove; the electrician will do the wiring in.
But behold,
the policeman cometh to say to them all:
'Enough of this
horsing around -'"
From a Poem by Dimitri Prigov c. 1980
BUT HE'S OUT... Bigger-than-life man-of-all-trades Stanley
Ralph Ross lost his long
battle with cancer last Thursday. He was 64, and in those
years became
acclaimed as a prolific writer, (Batman, The Monkees, Columbo,
etc.)
musician and lyricist ("Chaplin"), actor, voice-over
artist and
businessman, who at the time of his death still owned a restaurant
in
Hollywood and a baseball team in Phoenix.
One of his proudest accomplishments,
which he crowed about to those
of us who were blessed to be counted among his friends, was
compiling "The
Motion Picture Guide" with partner Jay Robert Nash --
a 17-volume
encyclopedia of news and reviews about every film ever made,
available
somewhere in cyberspace, I'm sure.
And it's "off the air"
for Durwood Kirby, who's son Randy still plies
his trade here in town. A versatile performer on early "live"
TV, he loved
telling stories of the bloopers that were endemic with the
job in those
days. In announcing a new sponsor called the Bond Bread Bakers,
for
example, he proudly pronounced: "The Blond Bed Breakers
are on the air!"
Farewell to him and to "Kurwood
Derby", too.
"Be groovy or B-movie." - From Thomas Pynchon's "Vineland" (Brian Price)
STREET PATRICK
LIVES ON...
May you have the hindsight to know where you have been,
And the foresight to know where you are going,
And the insight to know when you have gone too far.
And may the most you ever hope for be the least you ever get.
PS. St. Patrick was Scottish.
"Two fat blokes in a pub, one says to
the other, "Your round.' The other
one says 'So are you, you fat bastard.'" - Brit comic,
Tommy Cooper
+++++++++++(3/27/2000)++++++++++
*
FIRESIGN SITE: www.firesigntheatre.com
*
FIRESIGN PRODUCT: www.lodestone-media.com
*
FUNNY TIMES: www.funnytimes.com
PLANET PROCTOR (C) 2000 by Phil Proctor
-=-=-=---=-=-=-=-=-=-=---=-=--=
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Use one-quarter cup vinegar for a two to three pound roast,
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Mix one part Heinz Apple Cider Vinegar to one part
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Make a poultice of one crumbled piece of bread soaked
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Soak the rusted tool, bolt, or spigot in undiluted
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Pour one-half box of old baking soda down the drain
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Boil one tablespoon of Heinz White Vinegar with one cup of water.
Remove wallpaper.
Mix equal parts Heinz Vinegar and hot water.
Use a paint roller to wet the
paper thoroughly with the mixture. Repeat. Paper
should peal off in sheets.
Eliminate animal urine stains from carpet.
Blot up urine, flush several times with lukewarm
water, then apply a mixture
of equal parts Heinz White Vinegar and cool water.
Blot up, rinse, and let
dry.
Relieve a cold.
Mix one-quarter cup Heinz Apple Cider Vinegar with
one-quarter cup honey.
Take one tablespoon six to eight times daily.
Deodorize a stale lunch box.
Soak a paper napkin in Heinz Vinegar and leave it
inside the closed lunch
box overnight.
Prevent soapy film on glassware.
Place a cup of Heinz White Vinegar on the bottom
rack of your dishwasher,
run for five minutes, then run though the full cycle.
A cup of white vinegar
run through the entire cycle once a month will also reduce
soap scum on the
inner workings.
Unclog a shower head.
Unscrew the shower head, remove the rubber washer,
place the head in a pot
filled with equal parts Heinz Vinegar and water, bring to
a boil, then simmer
for five minutes.
Relieve a cough.
Mix one-half cup Heinz Apple Cider Vinegar, one-half
cup water, one teaspoon
cayenne pepper, and four teaspoons honey. Take one
tablespoon when cough
acts up. Take another tablespoon at bedtime.
Retard patching plaster from drying.
Add one tablespoon white vinegar to the water when
mixing plaster to slow
the drying time.
Cabernet Sauvignon is high-test heart medicine.
All red wine is good for your heart. (One glass a day,
mon ami.)
But it turns out that one particular red--cabernet sauvignon--has more of the key ingredient than the others. Cabernet
has
high amounts of an antioxidant called resveratrol, which
can
protect against heart disease by lowering your levels of
bad
cholesterol while increasing your good cholesterol. And we
have
a fungus to thank for it. "The grapes in the Bordeaux
area make
more resveratrol to fight off a fungus that thrives in the
moist
climate," says Jean-Paul Broustet, M.D., a French cardiologist.
Hi,
I am still doing construction on the site. If
you find a bad link or bad photo, please
let me know.
I have a lot of goodies today starting with
Dust Devils on Mars. The new movie Mission
To Mars features a living dust tornado.
Here's is a photo looking down on the Mars surface showing
trails made by these real ones.
http://funandmagic.com/photolinks2.htm .
Here is a scary little article about new technologies,
such as Nanotechs, making us
extinct. http://www.wired.com/wired/archive/8.04/joy.html?pg=1&topic=&topic_set=
.
Aside from a ton of jokes, I have a new Planet
Proctor for you, from Hollyweird, and a
nice warm fuzzy about Directory Assistance.
Have a magic day and pass it on.
Magic Mike
http://funandmagic.com/
A first-grade teacher was overseeing her students as theyexperimented with their desk computers. One boy sat staringat the screen, unsure how to get the computer going.
The teacher walked over and read what was on his screen.In her most reassuring voice, she said, "The computer
wants to
know what your name is," then she walked over to the
next
child.
The boy leaned toward the screen and whispered, "My
name is
David."
-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-==
There was a Scottish tradesman, a painter called Jock
-- of course-who
was very interested in making a pound where he could ...
so he often
would thin down his paint to make it go a wee bit further.
As it happened, he got away with this for some time, but
eventually the
Presbyterian Church decided to do a big restoration job on
the roof of one
of their biggest churches. Jock put in a bid and because
his price was so
competitive, he got the job.
And so he set to, with a right good will-erecting the
trestles and
putting up the planks, and buying the paint and ... yes,
I am sorry to
say, thinning it down with the turpentine.
Well, Jock was up on the scaffolding, painting away, the
job nearly
done, when suddenly there was a horrendous clap of thunder,
and the sky
opened and the rain poured down, washing the thin paint from
all over the
church and knocking Jock fair off the scaffold to land on
the lawn, among
the gravestones, surrounded by telltale puddles of the thinned
and useless
paint.
Jock was no fool. He knew this was a judgment from the
Almighty, so he
fell on his knees and cried: "Oh, God! Forgive me! What
should I do?"
And from the thunder, a mighty Voice spoke: "Repaint!
Repaint and thin
no more!"
-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=
-
One day mom was cleaning Junior's room, and in the closet
she found an S & M magazine.
This was very upsetting for her.
She hid the magazine until his father got home and showed
it to him. He looked at it and
handed it back to her with out a word.
She finally asked him, "Well, what should we do about this?"
Dad looked at her and said, "Well I don't think you should spank him."
-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-
A man was helping one of his cows give birth, when he
noticed
his 4-year-old son standing wide-eyed at the fence, soaking
in
the whole event. The man thought, "Great...he's
4 and I'm
gonna have to start explaining the birds and bees.
No need to
jump the gun - I'll just let him ask, and I'll answer."
After everything was over, the man walked over to his
son and
said, "Well son, do you have any questions?"
"Just one." gasped the still wide-eyed lad.
"How fast was that
calf going when he hit that cow?"
-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-==
It's about two elderly excited women who were sitting
together in the
front pew of church with a fiery preacher. When this
preacher condemned
the sin of lust, these two ladies cried out at the top of
their lungs
.....AMEN...BROTHER!
When the preacher condemned the sin of stealing, they yelled again
....PREACH IT REVEREND!
And when the preacher condemned the sin of lying....they
jumped to their
feet and screamed,
RIGHT ON BROTHER....TELL IT LIKE IT IS.....AMEN!
But when the preacher condemned the sin of gossip, the
two got quiet and
one turned to the other and said,
"He's done quit preaching and now he's meddlin'."
=-=-=--=-=-=---=-=--=-=-=-=-
Liz Taylor is suffering from a fracture in her lower back
and will
remain hospitalized for several more days. Doctors say it
is not
serious, though -- and she should be up and marrying again
in
no time.
-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=--=-=
A married man goes to confessional and tells the priest,
"I had an affair
with a woman - almost."
The priest says, "What do you mean, 'almost'?"
The man says, "Well, we got undressed and rubbed
together, but then I
stopped."
The priest replies, "Rubbing together is the same
as putting it in. You're
not to go near that woman again. Now, say five Hail Mary's
and put $50 in the
poor box."
The man leaves confessional, goes over and says his prayers,
then walks
over to the poor box. He pauses for a moment and then starts
to leave.
The priest, who was watching him, quickly runs over to
him and says, "I saw
that. You didn't put any money in the poor box!"
The man replied, "Well, Father, I rubbed up against
it and you said it was
the same as putting it in!"
-=-=-=-=-=-=--=
The Top 10 Reasons Why Sex Is Better Than School:
10. Everbody likes sex and nobody likes school, except
for virgins and only
because they haven't had sex yet.
9. Sex sucks, moans, licks, pumps, throbs etc..., school just sucks.
8. After sex you feel like smoking a cigarette.
After school you feel like
smoking something a whole lot stronger.
7. You only get disciplined during sex if you want to.
6. Drinking drives people to sex, whereas school drives people to drink.
5. Sex relieves stress, school is the cause of stress.
4.Nothing beats the "hands on" experience you get with sex.
3. After sex you feel like you have accomplished something.
2. Sex is cheaper. Even if you have to pay
for a hooker, it is still
cheaper than paying thousands of dollars in tuition.
And the Number 1 reason why sex is better than school is.........
1. At least you have a choice whether or not you
want to have sex. At
school your teachers screw you regardless!!!
-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=
The new Vicar was up early one Sunday morning, walkinground his new parish, after leaving his wife in bed with
the
Sunday papers, her cup of tea, and a pack of cigarettes.
One of the old villagers came up to him and said. "Goodmorning Vicar, how be you and the wife?"
The Vicar said, "Good morning my man, I am fine,
the wife is
fine also as I left her in bed smoking."
The villager said, "Arr, Vicar, that's the way to fuck 'em!"
-=--=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=
A blonde gets her first period, so she goes to the drugstore
to
get some pads. The wide selection and huge variety confuseher, so she asks the clerk for some help.
"What kind of pads should I get?" she says.
"This is all new to
me."
"Well," says the clerk, "that depends on the flow."
She says, "It's ceramic tile."
=========================
==============================
=======It's only premarital sex if you're going to get married.
=========================
==============================
=======The attractive young miss was about to go to bed with herblind date when she burst into tears.
"I'm afraid you'll get the wrong idea about me,"
she said
between sobs. "I'm really not that kind of girl!"
"I believe you," her date said, as he tried to comfort her.
"You're the first one," she gulped.
"The first one to make love to you?" he asked.
"No, silly," she replied. "The first one
to believe me!"
=========================
=====
=========================
=Man is incomplete until he is married. Then he is finished.
=========================
=====
=========================
=Viagra For Her
With the introduction of Viagra in response a perennial
male problem, a
famous British pharmaceutical company is now working on a
range of new
drugs in an attempt to redress the balance...
MIRRORCILLIN - A 5cc dose enables a woman to walk past
mirrors for up to
four hours without pausing once.
STOPPANAGGIN - Gives women a vague feeling of contentmenttowards their spouse/boyfriend.
COSMOPOLIRA - Doubles female intelligence to almost simian
levels, thus
allowing 'facts' in trash lifestyle magazines to be disputed.
LOGICON - Trials have showed that females taking this
were able to follow
a proposition through to its logical conclusion, and argue
effectively
without being diverted into non relevant postulates such
as 'you don't
love me anymore'.
PARKATRON - 72% of women taking this were able to safely
reverse park a
Ford Fiesta into a space only 12 meters long; 54% achieved
this in under
15 minutes.
MAGNATACK - Uniquely distorts the cornea, making certain
shapes appear
much larger than in reality - no practical use for this drug
has yet been
found.
WARDROBIA - Clinical trials show that almost 23% of women
taking this drug
can safely walk past a sale notice, and an amazing 42% actually
stayed
within their credit limit.
BEERINTULIN - Engenders a female desire to bring her spouse/boyfriendalcoholic beverages and snacks during televised sports.
-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=
-=-=
The new priest is nervous about hearing confessions, so
he asks an older
priest to sit in on his sessions. The new priest hears
a couple confessions,
then the old priest asks him to step out of the confessional
for a few
suggestions.
The old priest suggests, "Cross you arms over your
chest, and rub your chin
with one hand."
The new priest tries this.
The old priest suggests, "Try saying things like,
'I see, yes, go on, and I
understand. How did you feel about that?"
The new priest says those things. The old priest
says, "Now, don't you think
that's a little better than slapping your knee and saying
'No shit? What
happened next?'"
-=---=-=-=-=--=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=
Because I'm a man, when I lock my keys in the car I will
fiddle with a
wire clothes hanger and ignore your suggestions that
we call a
road service until long after hypothermia has set in.
Because I'm a man, when the car isn't running very
well, I will pop the
hood and stare at the engine as if I know what I'm
looking at.
If another man shows up, one of us will say to the
other, "I used to be
able to fix these things, but now with all these computers
and
everything, I wouldn't know where to start." We will then drink beer.
Because I'm a man, when I catch a cold I need someone
to bring me soup
and take care of me while I lie in bed and moan.
You
never get as sick as I do, so for you this isn't an
issue.
Because I'm a man, when one of our appliances stops
working I will
insist on taking it apart, despite evidence that this
will just cost
me twice as much once the repair person gets here and
has to put it back
together.
Because I'm a man, I must hold the television remote
control in my hand
while I watch TV. If the thing has been misplaced,
I may
miss a whole show looking for it (though one time I
was able to survive
by holding a calculator).
Because I'm a man, I don't think we're all that
lost, and no, I don't
think we should stop and ask someone. Why would
you listen to
a complete stranger -- I mean, how could he know where
we're going?
Because I'm a man, there is no need to ask me what
I'm thinking about.
The answer is always either sex or football, though
I have
to make up something else when you ask, so don't.
Because I'm a man, I do not want to visit your mother,
or have your
mother come visit us, or talk to her when she calls,
or think
about her any more than I have to. Whatever you
got her for mother's
day is okay, I don't need to see it. And don't
forget to pick up
something for my Mom, too!
Because I'm a man, you don't have to ask me if I
liked the movie.
Chances are, if you're crying at the end of it, I didn't
like it.
Because I'm a man, yes, I have to turn up the radio
when Bruce
Springsteen or The Doors comes on, and then, yes, I
have to tell
you every single time about how Bruce had his picture
on the cover of
Time and Newsweek the same day, or how Jim Morrison
is
buried in Paris and everyone visits his grave. Please do not behave as if you do not find this fascinating.
Because I'm a man, I think what you're wearing is
fine. I thought what
you were wearing five minutes ago was fine, too.
Either pair
of shoes is fine. With the belt or without it
looks fine. Your hair is
fine. You look fine. Can we just go now?
Because I'm a man, and this is, after all, the 2000's,
I will share
equally in the housework. You just do the laundry,
the cooking, the
gardening, the cleaning, and the dishes. I'll
do the rest.
This has been a public service message for women,
to better understand
the Male animal.
-=-=-=-=-=--=-=
Subject:
PP 2000/6
Date:
Wed, 15 Mar 2000 17:04:01 -0500
From:
"phil proctor" <PProctor@compuserve.com
To:
"A.A.A 3" <pproctor@compuserve.com
(((((((((((((( PLANET PROCTOR 2000/6 - http://www.planetproctor.com
"I want to pay three or four dollars a gallon.
I want to feel like I'm
living in Paris." - L.A. gas consumer, CBS Evening
News
OBLIGATORY IRISH JOKE TIME
Two men were sitting next to each other
at a bar. After a while, one
guy looks at the other and says, "I can't help but think
from listening to
you, that you're from Ireland." The other guy responds
proudly, "Yes, that
I am!" The first guy says, "So am I! And where
from Ireland might you be?"
The other guy answers, "I'm from Dublin, I am." The first guy responds, "Sure
and begorrah, and so am I! And what
street did you live on in Dublin?" The other says, "A
lovely little area it
was; I lived on McCleary Street in the old central part of
town."
"Faith, and it's a small world,
so did I!" the first guy says, "And to
what school would you have been going?" The other guy
answers, "Well now, I
went to St. Mary's of course."
The first guy gets really excited,
and says, "And so did I. Tell me,
what year did you graduate?" The other guy answers,
"Well, now, I graduated
in 1964."
The first guy exclaims, "The Good
Lord must be smiling down upon us! I
can hardly believe our good luck at winding up in the same
bar tonight. Can
you believe it -- I graduated from St. Mary's in 1964 me
own self!"
The bartender, shaking his head, mutters to
himself, "It's going to be a
long night; the Murphy twins are drunk again."
"You can't put shit back in the donkey..." The Sopranos, 2/27/00
I'LL BE DAMNED!
"While the Computer Age has ushered in
many advances, it has also opened
yet another door through which Lucifer and his minions can
enter and
corrupt men's souls," Georgia Reverend Jim Peasboro,
author of "The Devil
in the Machine" declares in the Weekly World News. Peasboro believes that demons are able
to possess anything with a
brain, from a chicken to a human being, and today's thinking
machines have
enough space on their hard drives to accommodate Satan and
his gang,
although disk capacity is an issue. "Only a PC built
after 1985 has the
storage capacity to house an evil spirit," the minister
explains.
"I learned that many members of my
congregation became in touch with a
dark force whenever they used their computers," he said.
"Decent, happily
married family men were drawn irresistibly to pornographic
Web sites and
forced to witness unspeakable abominations. Housewives who
had never
expressed an impure thought were entering Internet chat rooms
and found
themselves spewing foul, debasing language they would never
use normally,"
he declared. "One woman wept as she confessed to me,
'I feel when I'm on
the computer as if someone else or something else just takes
over.'"
The minister said he probed one
such case, actually logging onto the
parishioner's computer himself. To his horror, an artificial-intelligenceprogram started spontaneously. "It typed out, 'Preacher,
you are a weakling
and your God is a damn liar.'" Then the device went
haywire and started
printing out what looked like gobbledygook. "I later
had an expert in dead
languages examine the text," the minister said. "It
turned out to be a
stream of obscenities written in a 2,800-year-old Mesopotamian
dialect!"
The minister estimates that one
in ten computers in America now hosts
some type of evil spirit and advises anyone suspecting that
their computer
is possessed to consult a clergyman, or, if the computer
is still under
warranty, to take it in for servicing. "Technicians
can replace the hard
drive and reinstall the software, getting rid of the wicked
spirit
permanently," he says. (But don't spill Holy Water on
your Mac...) From
Larry Belling
"All those who believe in telekinesis, raise my hand." - Stephen Wright
L-E-TTERS,
WE GET L-E-TTERS
From my beloved webmaster,
Richard Arnold, in Washington AC/DC:
"You missed the kicker in your beef
item: WIN A YEAR OF BEEF
--<http://www.fool.com/research/spotlight/contest.htm
-- I went to the
page. It's true, they will give out beef. But in very very
small print at
the bottom, were these words:'* Due to the non-vegetarian
nature of beef,
all prizes can be substituted for an equivalent amount of
soy or tofu
products.' How much tofu would equal a year's supply of beef?
How many
soybeans? The mind boggles..."
Seattle's Richard Brestoff e-notes:
"Speaking of corporations and
their dominance, (was anyone?) I will never forget listening
as a young man
to Alistair Cook's Public Television show entitled 'AMERICA'.
What struck
me then and has remained a focussing principle of my life
ever since was
the announcement at the end of each episode given by a deep-voicedannouncer, 'AMERICA is brought to you by a grant from the
Xerox
Corporation.' I've known who as in charge ever since." Londoner Jeremy Clyde writes (on
real paper) that his son Matthew was
in a jewelry shop to buy a small gold crucifix for his girlfriend
when the
counter gal asked, "Do you want the plain one or the
one with the little
man on it?" To which Joan Shook Campeau adds, "I
saw something in a pet
store yesterday that I'm crazy about - a sign that said,
'Small Animal
Starter Kit'..."
And por ultimo, Fidel Castro e-motes,
"Eisenhower had to deploy five
million men and tanks and airplanes to take Europe, but I've
managed to
destabilize the government of the United States with just
two grannies!"
(No, you can't have his e-ddress!)
"Rock'n'Roll is a phonied-up, made-to-order
fad and disc jockeys do a
disservice to the kids by playing it." - Late filmscore
composer George
Duning
WHO, RAY! Sally L. Ray,
a candidate for a judgeship in a recent election for
the Texas Court of Criminal Appeals, offered a unique reason
for optimism
as cited by fellow Firesign fool, Peter Bergman from The
New York Times.
"I have a
short name and an inoffensive name, which we all know
makes a difference," she explained in The San Antonio
Express News.
(Incidently, she's married to a judge already on the court
named Alfonsus
G."Dead Johnny" Ray...)
Judge: "You are charged with habitual
drunkenness. Have you anything to
say in your defense?"
Defendant: "Habitual thirstiness?"
- From "Mack and" Jamie Alcroft
AND SPEAKING OF LETTERS...AND JUDGES
Actor Robert Clotworthy received a unique piece
of fan mail from
Norfolk, Virginia, after appearing as a judge on a popular
daytime serial.
"Dear Sir: I'm writing to you because
you really upset me at your rude
treatment of poor Sharon Newman. You act like you are in
(sic) Alice
Mitchell's side. I'm glad Al's record as a child molester
came out at the
custody trial. I know if you was (sic) a real judge and you
ruled in favor
of Alice, I would have a recall petition to kick your royal
ass of the
bench. No good person would allow Cassie to live with a child
molester.
I really hope
your character will wake up and see Alice for the
evil woman she is in life. Don't fall for her! I would like an
autographed photo. Please reply..."
"Artist Jordan McKenzie, who showed students
a film of himself cavorting
naked with a broom handle up his bottom, has agreed to leave
his job as
lecturer at the Cheltenham and Gloucester college of higher
education" -
from "Chad and" Jeremy Clyde
AND SPEAKING OF REALITY (WAS ANYBODY?)
Several news items
resulted from the flap over Fox's fiasco with
the reality-based "Who Wants to Marry a Millionaire"
show, but my favorite
observations came in our very own L.A. (Chicago) Times from
Erik Nelson's
comments in Counterpunch,where he wrote "...the Fox
television network
announced that it would no longer produce or broadcast such
reality
specials as When Good Pets Go Bad, Alien Autopsy or World's
Scariest
Explosions..."
Wait a minute!
"Alien Autopsy"? A "reality" special? Firesignsaid it first (and best), when it asked: "What IS reality?"
"They finally released the ingredients
in Viagra: 2% Asprin, 2%
Ibuprofin, 1% Vitamin C, 95% Fix-A-Flat" - Phil's Funny
Facts
PASS THE BUNS "As ham sandwiches
go, it was perfection. A thick slab of ham, a
fresh bun, crisp lettuce and plenty of expensive, light brown,
gourmet
mustard. The corners of my jaw aching in anticipation, I
carried it to the
picnic table in our backyard, picked it up with both hands
but was stopped
by my wife, suddenly at my side. 'Hold Johnny (our six-week-old
son) while
I get my sandwich,' she said.
I had him balanced
between my left elbow and shoulder and was
reaching again for the ham sandwich when I noticed a streak
of mustard on
my fingers.
I love mustard
-- I had no napkin -- I licked it off.
It was not mustard! No man ever put
a baby down faster. It was the first and only time
I have sprinted with my tongue protruding. With a washcloth
in each hand I
did the sort of routine shoeshine boys do, only I did it
on my tongue.
Later, (after she stopped crying from laughing so hard) my
wife said, "Now
you know why they call that mustard 'Poupon.'" (From
Christine R)
"Red meat is not bad for
you. Fuzzy green meat is bad for you."
- Steven Wright
GETTING DOWN, UNDER...
A nice young postal
worker from the Australian mail service was
sorting through her regular envelopes when she discovered
a letter
addressed: "GOD c/o Heaven..."
Opening the envelope,
she read that a little old lady who had never
asked for anything in her life. was desperately in need of
$100 and was
hoping that God could send her the money.
The young Aussie
was deeply touched and immediately made a
collection from her fellow workers, collecting $90,
and sent it off. A few
weeks later another letter for God arrived, so the young
lady opened it. It
read:
"Thank you for the money, God, I
deeply appreciate it. However I only
received $90. It must have been those bastards at the Post
Office."
(From Billy "Bones" Bowles)
"In a recent On-line poll 38,562 women across
the US were asked to
identify their ultimate fantasy and 97.8% said that a woman's
ultimate
fantasy is to have two men at once. One man is cooking
and the other is
cleaning." - Phil's Funny Facts (inspired by Ivan Berger)
THE SWEET SMELL OF ALTZHEIMER'S
There was a once-great
actor who could no longer remember his
lines, but finally found a theatre where they were prepared
to give him a
chance to shine again. The director says, "You must
walk on to the stage
with a single red rose, hold it delicately up to your nose,
sniff deeply
and say. 'Ah, the intoxicating aroma of my mistress.'" The actor is thrilled,
and rehearsals go smoothly. Finally, it's
opening night. The curtain goes up, the actor strides onto
the stage, and
with great passion delivered the line. Suddenly, the theater
erupted in
peels of laughter. The actor, bewildered, stumbled offstage.
"What
happened?" he asked, "Did I forget the line?" "No!"
the director screamed. "You forgot the bloody rose!"
"If you believe you may have had a child by
Screamin' Jay Hawkins or if
you believe you are a child of Screamin' Jay Hawkins"
contact
http://www.jayskids.com" - Dave Nuttycombe, from Yahoo!
News
EICHMANN, WE HARDLY KNEW YE Associated Press translations of excerpts from
Adolph Eichmann's
1,300-page prison memoir were released by Israel last week.
He was executed
in 1962.
"I was never an anti-Semite.
My sensitive nature revolted at the sight
of corpses and blood. Because I have seen hell, death
and the devil,
because I had to watch the madness of destruction, because
I was one of the
many horses pulling the wagon and couldn't escape left or
right because of
the will of the driver, I now feel called upon and
have the desire to tell
what happened.
It was the biggest and most
enormous dance of death of all time. The
result was terrible chaos...the timetables of trains were
being upset.
My job was to observe and report on it.
When I arrived at the place
of execution, the gunmen fired into a pit
the size of several rooms...I saw a Jewish woman and a small
child in her
arms in the pit. I wanted to pull out the child, but a bullet
smashed the
skull of the child. My driver wiped brain particles from
my leather coat. I
got into the car. Berlin, I told the driver. I thought about
my own
children...I drank schnapps like it was water.
I still remember the work I had concerning a
very secret investigation
on the background of the Fuehrer's dietitian...It turned
out that [she] was
one in 32 parts Jewish...and Hitler married [her] shortly
before his death.
Her name was Eva Braun."
"How many really funny years do I have left?"
- George Meyer, writer for
"The Simpsons", New Yorker magazine.
+++++++++++(3/15/2000)++++++++++
* FIRESIGN SITE:
www.firesigntheatre.com
* FIRESIGN PRODUCT:
www.lodestone-media.com
* FUNNY TIMES:
www.funnytimes.com
PLANET PROCTOR (C) 2000 by Phil Proctor
---=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=
-=-=-=
I haven't seen this one for a while, and every time, I
love it anew. I hope it makes your
day as bright as it made mine -
Bob When I was quite young, my father had one of the first
telephones in our
neighborhood. I remember well the
polished, old case fastened to the wall.
The shiny receiver hung on the side of the box.
I was too little to reach the telephone,
but used to listen with fascination
when my mother talked to it. Then I discovered that
somewhere inside the wonderful device
lived an amazing person --
her name was "Information Please" and there was
nothing she did not know. "Information
Please" could supply anybody's
number and the correct time.
My first personal experience with this genie-in-the-bottle
came one day while my mother
was visiting a neighbor.
Amusing myself at the tool bench in the basement, I whacked
my finger with a hammer. The
pain was terrible, but there
didn't seem to be any reason in crying because there was
no one home to give sympathy. I
walked around the house
sucking my throbbing finger, finally arriving at the stairway.
The telephone! Quickly, I ran for the foot stool
in the parlor and dragged it to the
landing. Climbing up, I unhooked the
receiver in the parlor and held it to my ear.
"Information Please," I said into the mouthpiece
just above my head. A click or two and a
small clear voice spoke into my
ear.
"Information."
"I hurt my finger..." I wailed into the phone.
The tears came readily enough now that I
had an audience.
"Isn't your mother home?" came the question.
"Nobody's home but me," I blubbered.
"Are you bleeding?" the voice asked.
"No," I replied. "I hit my finger with the hammer and it hurts."
"Can you open your icebox?" she asked.
I said I could. "Then chip off a little piece of
ice and hold it to your finger," said
the voice.
After that, I called "Information Please" for
everything. I asked her for help with my
geography, and she told me where
Philadelphia was. She helped me with my math.
She told me my pet chipmunk, that I had
caught in the park just the day
before, would eat fruit and nuts. Then, there was the
time Petey, our pet canary died. I
called "Information Please" and
told her the sad story. She listened, and then said
things grown-ups say to soothe a
child. But I was unconsoled.
I asked her, "Why is it that birds should sing so
beautifully and bring joy to all
families, only to end up as a heap of feathers
on the bottom of a cage?"
She must have sensed my deep concern, for she said quietly,
"Paul, always remember that
there are other worlds to sing
in."
Somehow I felt better.
Another day I was on the telephone. "Information Please."
"Information," said the now familiar voice.
"How do you spell fix?" I asked.
All this took place in a small town in the Pacific Northwest.
When I was nine years old,
we moved across the country to
Boston. I missed my friend very much. "Information
Please" belonged in that old wooden
box back home and I somehow
never thought of trying the tall, shiny new phone that sat
on the table in the hall.
As I grew into my teens, the memories of those childhood
conversations Never really left
me. Often, in moments of doubt
and perplexity I would recall the serene sense of security
I had then. I appreciated now
how patient, understanding, and
kind she was to have spent her time on a little boy.
A few years later, on my way west to college, my plane
put down in Seattle.
I had about half-an-hour or so between planes. I spent
15 minutes or so on the phone with
my sister, who lived there
now. Then, without thinking what I was doing, I dialed
my hometown operator and said,
"Information Please."
Miraculously, I heard the small, clear voice I knew so well.
"Information."
I hadn't planned this, but I heard myself saying, "Could
you please tell me how to spell
fix?"
There was a long pause. Then came the soft spoken
answer, "I guess your finger must have
healed by now."
I laughed, "So it's really still you," I said.
"I wonder if you have any idea how much
you meant to me during that time."
"I wonder," she said, "if you know how
much your calls meant to me. I Never had any
children and I used to look
forward to your calls."
I told her how often I had thought of her over the years
and I asked if I could call her
again when I came back to visit my
sister.
"Please do," she said. "Just ask for Sally."
Three months later I was back in Seattle. A different
voice answered, "Information." I
asked for Sally.
"Are you a friend?" she said.
"Yes, a very old friend," I answered.
"I'm sorry to have to tell you this," she said.
"Sally had been working Part time the
last few years because she was sick.
She died five weeks ago."
Before I could hang up she said, "Wait a minute. Did you say your name was Paul?"
"Yes."
"Well, Sally left a message for you. She wrote
it down in case you called. Let me read
it to you." The note said, "Tell himI still say there are other worlds to sing in. He'll
know what I mean. I thanked her and
hung up. I knew what Sally meant.
Never underestimate the impression you may make on others.
--
Have a magic day and pass it on.
Magic Mike http://funandmagic.com/
.- - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - -
----------------
.
Get long distance as low as 3 cents a minute - http://ld.net/?phon4less.The BEST, cheapest water filter is a solid carbon block~magicmb/water.htm.
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Subject: Solar Mass Ejection
Date: Thu, 09 Mar 2000 11:16:02 -0800
From: "Magic Mike" <mmb
Organization: http://funandmagic.com/
To: "you" <mmb
Hi,
See an incredibly large Solar Mass Ejection
that happened last month. It extends over a
million kilometers in space.
http://funandmagic.com/photolinks2.htm .
Plenty of new recipes are on my recipe page,
which is now over 900k.
http://funandmagic.com/recipes.html .
If today's jokes seem one sided to men, it is just coincidence.
I'll surely include some
male bashing.
Some joke mailers call the person a BOAJ, the Butt Of All
Jokes, but that seems a little
dry.
So, remember the humor is meant to have a healthy laugh at
ourselves, and not meant to
embarass.
Have a magic day and pass it on.Magic Mike
http://funandmagic.com/
Top ten things you'll NEVER hear one woman say to another woman:
1. That swimsuit really flatters your figure! Would
you mind keeping my
husband company while I go for a swim?
2. Oh, look, that women and I have the same dress
on! I think I'll go
introduce myself!
3. His new girlfriend is thinner and better-looking
than I am, and I'm happy
for them
both.
4. If he doesn't let me hold the remote, I get all moody.
5. He makes more money than I do, so I broke up with him.
6. I'm sick of dating doctors and lawyers! Give
me a good old-fashioned
waiter with a heart of gold any day!
7. We're redecorating the bedroom, and he keeps
bugging me to help him with
the color choices!
8. He talks our relationship to death! It's making me crazy!
9. Why can't I find a guy who'll have a wild carefree
night of sex and then
just go his
separate way for once?
10. I just realized -- my butt doesn't look fat in this -- my butt is fat!
-=-
-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=---=-=
The following information was gained through much arduous
research involving
many men from all backgrounds and walks of life. It
consists of the most
often asked questions by women (ie. relationships, sex and
life in general).
All women who read this are encouraged to use the wisdom
contained therein to
change their behavior in accordance with the truths established
below.
Q: How do I know if I'm ready for sex?
A: Ask your boyfriend. He'll know when the time is
right. When it comes to
love and sex, men are much more responsible, since they're
not emotionally
confused as women. It's a proven fact.
Q: Should I have sex on the first date?
A: YES. Before if possible.
Q: What exactly happens during the act of sex? A: Again, this is entirely up to the man. The important
thing to remember is
that you must do whatever he tells you without question.
Sometimes, however,
he may ask you to do certain things that may at first seem
strange to you. Do
them anyway.
Q: How long should the sex act last?
A: This is a natural & normal part of nature, so
don't feel ashamed or
embarrassed. After you've finished making love, he'll have
a natural desire
to leave you suddenly, & go out with his friends to play
golf. Or perhaps
another activity, such as going out with his friends to the
bar for the
purpose of consuming large amounts of alcohol & sharing
a few personal
thoughts with his buddies. Don't feel left out - while he's
gone you can busy
yourself by doing laundry, cleaning the apartment, or perhaps
even going out
to buy him an expensive gift. He'll come back when he's ready.
Q: What is "afterplay"?
A: After a man has finished making love, he needs to
replenish his manly
energy. "Afterplay" is simply a list of important
activities for you to do
after lovemaking. This includes lighting his cigarette, making
him a sandwich
or pizza, bringing him a few beers, or leaving him alone
to sleep while you
go out and buy him an expensive gift.
Q: Does the size of the penis matter?
A:Yes. Although many women believe that quality, not
quantity, is important,
studies show this is simply not true. The average erect male
penis measures
about 3 inches. Anything longer than that is extremely rare
&, if by some
chance your lover's sexual organ is 4 inches or over, you
should go down on
your knees and thank your lucky stars and do everything possible
to please
him, such as doing his laundry, cleaning his apartment and/or
buying him an
expensive gift.
Q: What about the female orgasm?
A: What about it? There's no such thing. It's a myth.
-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=---=-=
-
A knight and his men return to their castle after a hard
month
of riding.
"How are we faring?" his king asks.
"Sire," replies the knight, "I have been
robbing and pillaging on
your behalf all day, burning the towns of your enemies in
the
west."
"What?!" shrieks the king. "I don't have
any enemies to the
west!"
"Oh." replies the knight. "Well, you do now."
-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=--=
A man's car stalled on a country road. When he got
out to fix
it, a cow came along and stopped beside him. "Your
trouble is
probably in the carburetor," said the cow.
Startled, the man jumped back and ran down the road until
he
met the farmer. He told the farmer his story.
"Was it a large red cow with a brown spot over the right
eye?"
asked the farmer.
"Yes!"
"Oh, I wouldn't listen to Bessie," said the Farmer.
"She
doesn't know anything about cars."
-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=
A policeman was interrogating 3 blondes who were training
to become
detectives. To test their skills in recognizing a suspect,
he shows the
first blonde a picture for 5 second and then hides it.
"This is your suspect, how would you recognize him?"
The first blonde answers,
"That's easy, we'll catch him fast because he only has one eye!"
The policeman says, "Well...uh...that's because the
picture shows his
profile."
Slightly flustered by this ridiculous response, he flashes
the picture
for 5 seconds at the second blonde and asks her,
"This is your suspect, how would you recognize him?"
The second blonde giggles, flips her hair and says,
"Ha! He'd be too easy to catch because he only has one ear!"
The policeman angrily responds,
"What's the matter with you two?? Of course
only one eye and
one ear are SHOWING because it's a picture of his profile!!
Is that the
best answer you can come up with?
Extremely frustrated at this point, he shows the picture
to the third
blonde and in a very testy voice asks,
"This is your suspect, how would you recognize him?"
He quickly adds
"...think hard before giving me a stupid answer."
The blonde looks at the picture intently for a moment
and says,
"Hmmmm...the suspect wears contact lenses."
The policeman is surprised and speechless because he really
doesn't know
himself if the suspect wears contacts or not.
"Well, that's an interesting answer...wait here for
a few minutes while I
check his file and I'll get back to you on that."
He leaves the room and goes to his office, checks the
suspect's file in
his computer, and comes back with a beaming smile on his
face.
"Wow! I can't believe it...it's TRUE!
The suspect does in fact wear
contact lenses. Good work! How were you able to make
such an astute
observation?"
"That's easy," the blonde replied. "He
can't wear regular glasses
because he only has one eye and one ear."
-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=--=-
A new soldier was on sentry duty at the main gate.
His orders
were clear. No car was to enter unless it had a special
sticker
on the windshield. A big Army car came up with a generalseated in the back. The sentry said, "Halt, who goes
there?"
The chauffeur, a corporal, says, "General Wheeler."
"I'm sorry, I can't let you through. You've got
to have a sticker
on the windshield."
The general said, "Drive on!"
The sentry said, "Hold it! You really can't come
through. I have
orders to shoot if you try driving in without a sticker."
The general repeated, "I'm telling you, son, drive on!"
The sentry walked up to the rear window and said, "General,
I'm
new at this. Do I shoot you or the the driver?"
-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=---=-=-=-=
The caption under a cartoon showing a doctor handing a
couple
of pills to his patient: "Take one of these tonight
and the other
*IF* you wake up in the morning."
--
Have a magic day and pass it on.
Magic Mike http://funandmagic.com/
.- - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - -
----------------
Get long distance as low as 3 cents a minute - http://ld.net/?phon4less.The BEST, cheapest water filter is a solid carbon block~magicmb/water.htm.
FEED THE HUNGRY. Corporate sponsors pay. http://www.thehungersite.comTo unsubscribe, reply with remove in Subject line.
Subject:
freelycos, lots of space photos
Date:
Wed, 08 Mar 2000 13:00:27 -0800
From:
"Magic Mike" <mmb
Organization:
http://funandmagic.com/
To:
"you" <mmb
Hi,
Today is a backlog of good photos at http://funandmagic.com/photolinks2.htm
.
See the Eros asteroid upclose and personal. See the
Pipe Dark Nebula. Galileo orbiter's
flyby of Io last November captured an unusual part of Jupiter's
volcanic moon. And
fourthly, the Voyager 1 spacecraft looked back toward the
inner solar system to record
this startling view of Saturn's nightside.
I lost my ISP connection for a few hours, but
was able to use the new FreeLycos to log
on free in my area. http://specials.lycos.com/go/0229free/wi2/?wi2free-1657500
. If it
wasn't for my DSL high speed, dual phone use connection,
I might be tempted to use it all
the time. If you use Freei.net or free lycos, tell them I
sent you. It helps defray web
costs for me. Which, by the way, were reduced by $32 by my
1st check from All Advantage
for my surfing. Tell them DOK-571 sent you. http://funandmagic.com/paid2surf.htm Watch out for a REAL bogus email attributing
Quayle's Quotes to AL Gore.
More later, gator.
Have a magic day and pass it on.
Magic Mike
http://funandmagic.com
Joan, the town gossip and supervisor of the town's morals,recently accused George, a local man, of being an alcoholicbecause she saw his pickup truck parked outside the town'sonly bar.
George stared at her for a moment, and said nothing.Later that evening, he parked his pickup truck in front ofher house and left it there all night.
-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=
How does Janice like being pregnant?" Bob asked his
friend
John.
"Oh, she's not pregnant," John replied, "she's expecting."
"What's the difference?" Bob pressed.
"Well, John explained, "She's expecting me to
cook dinner,
she's expecting me to do the housework, she's expecting meto rub her feet . . ."
-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=
An airline captain was breaking in a very pretty new blondestewardess. The route they were flying had a stay-over inanother city. Upon their arrival the captain showed thestewardess the best place for airline personnel to eat, shop
and
stay overnight.
The next morning as the pilot was preparing the crew for
the
day's route, he noticed the new stewardess was missing. Heknew which room she was in at the hotel and called her upwondering what happened to her.
She answered the phone, crying, and said she couldn't
get out
of her room.
"You can't get out of your room?" the captain
asked, "Why
not?"
The stewardess replied, "There are only three doors
in here,"
she sobbed, "one is the bathroom, one is the closet,
and one
has a sign on it that says 'Do Not Disturb'!"
-=-=--=--=-=--=-=-=-=
The psychology instructor had just finished a lecture
on mental health and
was giving an oral test. Speaking specifically about manic
depression, she
asked,
"How would you diagnose a patient who walks back
and forth screaming at
the top of his lungs one minute, then sits in a chair weepinguncontrollably the next?"
A young man in the rear raised his hand and answered,
"A basketball coach?"
-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=
State Mottos ......
1.Alabama: Yes, we have electricity
2.Arizona: But It's a Dry Heat
3.Arkansas: Litterasy Ain't Everthing
4.California : As Seen on TV
5.Colorado: If You Don't Ski, Don't Bother
6.Connecticut: Like Massachusetts, Only Dirtier and With
Less Character
7.Delaware: We Really Do Like the Chemicals in our Water8.Florida: Ask Us About Our Grandkids
9.Georgia: We Put the "Fun" in Fundamentalist Extremism10.Hawaii : Haka Tiki Mou Sha'ami Leeki Toru (Death to Mainland
Scum, But Leave Your
Money)
-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=
Southern Medical Terms:
Benign..............................What you be, after you be eight.
Artery..............................The study of paintings.
Bacteria............................Back door to cafeteria.
Barium..............................What doctors do when patients die.
Cesarean Section....................A neighborhood in Rome.
Catscan.............................Searching for Kitty.
Cauterize...........................Made eye contact with her.
Colic...............................A sheep dog.
Coma................................A punctuation mark.
D&C.................................Where Washington is.
Dilate..............................To live long.
Enema...............................Not a friend.
Fester..............................Quicker than someone else.
Fibula..............................A small lie.
Genital.............................Non-Jewish person.
G.I. Series.........................World Series of military baseball.
Hangnail............................What you hang your coat on.
Impotent............................Distinguished, well known.
Labor Pain..........................Getting hurt at work.
Medical Staff.......................A Doctor's cane.
Morbid..............................A higher offer.
Nitrates............................Cheaper than day rates.
Node................................I knew it.
Outpatient..........................A person who has fainted.
Pap Smear...........................A fatherhood test.
Pelvis..............................Second cousin to Elvis.
Post Operative......................A letter carrier.
Recovery Room.......................Place to do upholstery.
Rectum..............................Pretty near killed him.
Secretion...........................Hiding something.
Seizure.............................Roman emperor.
Tablet..............................A small table.
Terminal Illness....................Getting sick at the airport.
Tumor...............................One plus one more.
Urine...............................Opposite of you're out.
Varicose............................Near by/close by.
-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=--=--=-=
A woman went to the doctors office and said, "Doctor,
I've got a
bit of a problem. But, I'll have to take my clothes off to
show
you." The doctor told her to go behind the screen and
disrobe.
She did and the doctor went around to see her when she
was
ready.
"Well, what is it?" he asked.
"It's a bit embarrassing," she replied. "These
two green circles
have appeared on the inside of my thighs."
The doctor examined her and finally admited he had no
idea
what the cause was.
Suddenly, the doctor asks, "You boyfriend wear earrings?"
"Why, yes, doctor, he does."
"Tell him they're not real gold."
-=
-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=---=-=
A man walks into the front door of a bar. He is obviously
drunk,
and staggers up to the bar, seats himself on a stool and,
with a
belch, asks the bartender for a drink. The bartender politelyinforms the man that it appears that he has already had plentyto drink, he could not be served additional liquor at this
bar, and
could a cab be called for him?
The drunk is briefly surprised, then softly scoffs, grumbles,climbs down off the bar stool and staggers out the front
door.
A few minutes later, the same drunk stumbles in the SIDE
door
of the bar. He wobbles up to the bar and hollers for
a drink. The
bartender comes over and, still politely - but more firmly,refuses service to the man due to his inebriation, and againoffers to call a cab. The drunk looks at the bartender for
a
moment angrily, curses, and shows himself out the side door,all the while grumbling and shaking his head.
A few minutes later, the same drunk bursts in through
the
BACK door of the bar. He plops himself up on a bar stool,gathers his wits and belligerently orders a drink. The bartendercomes over and emphatically reminds the man that he isclearly drunk, will be served no drinks, and either a cab
or the
police will be called immediately.
The surprised drunk looks at the bartender, and in hopelessanguish, cries "MAAAN! How many bars do you work at?
-=-=-=-=-=--=-=-=-=-=--=
Mommy has told her little girl all about the making of
babies. Little
Annie is now silent for a while.
"You understand it now?" Mommy asks.
"Yes," replies her daughter.
"Do you still have any questions?"
"Yes, how about little kittens? How does that work?"
"In exactly the same way as with babies."
"Wow!" the girl exclaims. "My daddy can do ANYTHING!"
-=-=-=-=-=-=---=-=
As the old man lies dying in the bedroom, out in the parlor
the family
discusses funeral arrangements. Son Gary says, "We'll
make a real big thing
out of it. We'll have five hundred people. We'll
order fifty limos."
Daughter Grace says, "Why do you want to waste money
like that? We'll have
the family and maybe a few friends. One limo just for
us."
They proceed. Grandson Jeff says, "We'll have
lots of flowers. We'll
surround him with dozens of roses and lilies, dozens and
dozens."
Daughter Alice says, "What a waste! We'll have
one little bouquet, that's
enough."
Suddenly, the voice of the old man is heard, wafting weakly
from the bedroom,
"Why don't you get me my pants? I'll walk to the
cemetery."
-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=--=-=-
Jill: So, Lin, how's your sex life these days?
Lin: Oh, you know. It's the usual, Social Security kind.
Jill: Social Security?
Lin: Yeah, you get a little each month, but it's
not enough to
live on.
~~~~~
After an overnight flight to meet my father at his latest
military
assignment, my mother wearily arrived at Rhein-Main AirBase in Germany with my eight siblings and me - all underage 11.
Collecting our many suitcases, the ten of us entered thecramped customs area. A young customs official watchedour entourage in disbelief, "Ma'am," he said, "do
all these
children and this luggage belong to you?"
"Yes, sir," my mother said with a sigh. "They're all mine."
The customs agent began his interrogation: "Ma'am,
do you
have any weapons, contraband or illegal drugs in yourpossession?"
"Sir," she calmly answered, "if I'd had
any of those items, I
would have used them by now."
-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=--=-=
Little Johnny was eating breakfast one morning and got
to
thinking about things. "Mommy, mommy, why has daddy
got
so few hairs on his head?" he asked his mother.
"He thinks a lot," replied his mother, pleased
with herself for
coming up with a good answer to her husband's baldness.
Or she was until Johnny thought for a second and asked,
"So
why do you have so much hair?"
--=--=-=-=-=-=-=---=-=-
Things to do at Wal-Mart while the Spouse is Taking His/Her
Sweet Time:
1. Get boxes of condoms and randomly put them in people's
carts when they don't realize
it.
2. Set all the alarm clocks to go off at ten minute intervals throughout the day.
3. Make a trail of orange juice on the floor, leading to the rest rooms.
4. Walk up to an employee and tell him in an official
tone, "I think we've got a Code 3
in house wares," and see what happens.
5. Tune all the radios to a polka station; then
turn them all off and turn the volumes to
"10."
6. Challenge other customers to duels with tubes of gift wrap.
7. Put M&M's on layaway.
8. Move "Caution: Wet Floor" signs to carpeted areas.
9. Set up a tent in the camping department; tell
others you'll only invite them in if
they bring pillows from Bed and Bath.
10. When someone asks if you need help, begin to
cry and ask, "Why won't you people just
leave me alone?"
11. Look right into the security camera, and use it as a mirror while you pick your nose.
12. Take up an entire aisle in Toys by setting up
a full-scale battle between the GI Joes
and the X-Men.
13. Ask other customers if they have any Gray Poupon.
14. While handling guns in the hunting department,
suddenly ask the clerk if he knows
where the anti-depressants are.
15. Switch the men's and women's signs on the doors of the restroom.
16. Dart around suspiciously while humming the theme from "Mission Impossible."
17. Set up a "Valet Parking" sign in front
of the store
18. In the auto department, practice your "Madonna"
look with various funnels.
19. Hide in the clothing racks and when people browse
through, say things like "pick me!
pick me!!"
20. When an announcement comes over the loudspeaker,
assume the fetal position and
scream, "No, no! It's those voices again!"
21. If the store has a food court, buy a soft drink;
explain that you don't get out much,
and ask if they can put a little umbrella in it.
22. Go into the dressing room and yell real loud..."Hey,
we're out of toilet paper in
here!"
-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-
Last year on April 30,1999, a gas-out was staged across
Canada and the U.S.
to bring the price of gas down, and it worked. It's
time to do something about it again.
Only this time, let's make it for three days instead of
just one. The oil cartel decided
to slow production to drive up gasoline prices. Let's
see how many Canadian and American
people can band together for a three day period in April
- NOT TO BUY ANY GASOLINE during
those three days. LET'S STAGE GAS-OUT 2000!
Please do not buy any gasoline from APRIL 7, 2000 THROUGH APRIL 9, 2000.
Buy what you need before the dates listed above, or after,
but try not to buy any during
the GAS-OUT. If you want to help, please send this
to everyone you know and ask them to
do the same. We brought gas prices down before, and
we can do it again. Come on North
America, let's stand together.
WE CAN MAKE DIFFERENCE!!!
Even if you receive this 100 times, keep passing it around,
this way you know everyone is
being informed and no one will forget!!!
-=-=-=-=-=-=-=--=-=
WHEN GOD MADE MOMS By the time the Lord made mothers,
he was into his sixth day of working
overtime. An Angel appeared and said, "Why are
you spending so much time on this one?"
And the Lord answered and said, "Have you seen the spec
sheet on her?
She has to be completely washable, but not plastic, have
200 movable parts, all
replaceable, run on black coffee and leftovers, have a lap
that can hold three children at
one time and that disappears when she stands up, have a kiss
that can cure anything from a
scraped knee to a broken heart, and have six pairs of hands."The Angel was astounded at the requirements for this one.
"Six pairs of hands! No Way!",
said the Angel.
The Lord replied, "Oh, it's not the hands that are the
problem. It's the three pairs of
eyes that mothers must have!"
"And that's just on the standard model?", the Angel
asked. The Lord nodded in agreement,
"Yes, one pair of eyes are to see through the closed
door as she asks her children what
they are doing, even though she already knows.
Another pair in the back of her head are to see what she
needs to know even though no one
thinks she can. And the third pair are here in the
front of her head. They are for
looking at an errant child and saying that she understands
and loves him or her without
even saying a single word."
The Angel tried to stop the Lord. "This is too
much work for one day.
Wait until tomorrow to finish."
"But I can't!", the Lord protested, "I am
so close to finishing this creation that is so
close to my own heart. She already heals herself when
she is sick AND can feed a family
of six on a pound of hamburger and can get a nine year old
to stand in the shower!"
The Angel moved closer and touched the woman. "But
you have made her so soft, Lord."
"She is soft", the Lord agreed, "but I have
also made her tough. You have no idea what
she can endure or accomplish."
"Will she be able to think?", asked the Angel.The Lord replied, "Not only will she be able to think,
she will be able to reason, and
negotiate."
The Angel then noticed something and reached out and touched
the woman's cheek. "Oops, it
looks like you have a leak with this model. I told
you that you were trying to put too
much into this one."
"That's not a leak", the Lord objected, "That's
a tear!"
"What's the tear for?", the Angel asked.The Lord said, "The tear is her way of expressing her
joy, her sorrow, her disappointment,
her pain, her loneliness, her grief, and her pride."The Angel was impressed. "You are a genius, Lord.
You thought of everything.
WOMEN are truly amazing!"
--
Have a magic day and pass it on.
Magic Mike http://funandmagic.com/
.- - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - -
----------------
.
Get long distance as low as 3 cents a minute - http://ld.net/?phon4less.The BEST, cheapest water filter is a solid carbon block~magicmb/water.htm.
FEED THE HUNGRY. Corporate sponsors pay. http://www.thehungersite.com
Subject: Friday Fun, Dust Storm In The Atlantic Ocean
Date: Fri, 03 Mar 2000 10:43:28 -0800
From: "Magic Mike" <mmb
Organization: http://funandmagic.com/
To: "you" <mmb
Hi,
See a giant dust storm from space, on Planet
Earth, blowing a 1000 miles into The
Atlantic Ocean. Also, a refection Nebula in Orion. http://funandmagic.com/photolinks2.htm
.
I hope you checked out the new Two Scoops donation
click thrus. See it below.
Have amagic day and pass this on.
Magic Mike.
http://funandmagic.com/
After years of his wife's pleading, this rich good ole'
boy finally
goes with her to her little local Church on Sunday morning.
He
was so moved by the preacher's sermon that on the way out
he
stopped to shake his hand.
He said, "Reverend, that was the best damn sermon
I ever did
hear!"
The Preacher replied, "Oh!! Why, thank you sir, but
please, I'd
appreciate it if you didn't use profanity in the Lord's house."
The man said, "I'm sorry Reverend, but I can't help
myself, it
was such a damn good sermon!"
The Reverend said, "Sir, PLEASE, I cannot have you
behaving
this way in Church!"
The man said, "Okay Reverend, but I just wanted you
to know
that i thought it was so damn good, I put $5000 in that therecollection plate."
And the Reverend said, "NO SHIT?"
--=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=--=
The little girl was SO proud of her Christmas presents,
her first
watch and her first perfume. She really made a pest
of herself
throughout the morning, going up to all the relatives andsticking that watch in their ear and insisting that they
smell her
perfume.
The preacher was coming for lunch, but before his arrival,
the
girl's mother had said, "If you mention that watch or
that
perfume just once more, I'm going to send you to your room
for
the rest of the day."
The meal went rather well, and the little girl held her
tongue
until just when the desert was being served. She wanted
to
make sure that the preacher, too, knew about her new watchand her perfume: "If you hear anything or smell
anything ... it's
me!"
-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=
-
A local preacher was dissatisfied with the small amount
in the collection
plates each Sunday. Someone suggested to him that perhaps
he might be able
to hypnotize the congregation into giving more.
"And just how would I go about doing that?" he asked.
"It is very simple. First you turn up the air conditioner
so that the
auditorium is warmer than usual. Then you preach in a monotone.
Meanwhile,
you dangle a watch on a chain and swing it in a slow arc
above the lectern
and suggest they put 20 dollars in the collection plate."
So the very next Sunday, the reverend did as suggested,
and lo and behold
the plates were full of 20 dollar bills. Now, the preacher
did not want to
take advantage of this technique each and every Sunday.
So therefore, he waited for a couple of weeks and then
tried his mass
hypnosis again. Just as the last of the congregation was
becoming
mesmerized, the chain on the watch broke and the watch hit
the lectern
with a loud thud and springs and parts flew everywhere.
"Crap!" exclaimed the pastor.
It took them a week to clean up the church.
-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-
My wife & I were expecting our first child while we
were
stationed in Corpus Christi, TX.
We were at our first OB/GYN exam with an old crusty Doc
that
was probably delivering babies in the Alamo. Nice guy,
but
seen it all, heard it all a millon times.
I was stuttering around searching for the right words
to ask
when we "should stop....you know.....relations?"
The Doc's answer was priceless, "Sonny, as long as
you don't
get in my way in the delivery room, I don't care!"
-=-=-
-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=---=-=
GREAT PREDICTIONS BY EXPERTS
"Computers in the future may weigh no more
than 15 tons."
- "Popular Mechanics," forecasting the relentless
march of science,
1949.
.- - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - -
.- - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - -
------- "I think there is a world market for maybe five computers."
- Thomas Watson, chairman of IBM, 1943.
.- - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - -
.- - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - -
------- "There is no reason anyone would want a computer in their home."
- Ken Olson, president, chairman and founder of Digital Equipment Corp.,
1977
.- - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - -
.- - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - -
------- "This 'telephone' has too many shortcomings to be seriously considered as
a means of communication. The device is inherently of no value to us."
- Western Union internal memo, 1876.
.- - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - -
.- - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - -
------- "The wireless music box has no imaginable commercial value. Who would pay
for a message sent to nobody in particular?" - David Sarnoff's associates in response to his urgings for investment
in
the radio in the 1920s.
.- - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - -
.- - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - -
------- "The concept is interesting and well-formed, but in order to earn better
than a 'C,' the idea must be feasible." - A Yale University management professor in response to Fred Smith's
paper proposing reliable overnight delivery service. (Smith went on to
found Federal Express Corp.)
.- - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - -
.- - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - -
------- "Who the hell wants to hear actors talk?" - Harry M. Warner, Warner Brothers, 1927.
.- - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - -
.- - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - -
------- "We don't like their sound, and guitar music is on the way out."
- Decca Recording Co. rejecting the Beatles, 1962.
.- - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - -
.- - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - -
------- "Heavier-than-air flying machines are impossible." - Lord Kelvin, president, Royal Society, 1895.
.- - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - -
.- - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - -
------- "Drill for oil? You mean drill into the ground to try and find oil?
You're
crazy."
- Drillers who Edwin L. Drake tried to enlist to his project to drill
for
oil in 1859.
.- - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - -
.- - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - -
------- "Stocks have reached what looks like a permanently high plateau."
- Irving Fisher, Professor of Economics, Yale University, 1929.
.- - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - -
.- - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - -
------- "Airplanes are interesting toys but of no military value."
- Marechal Ferdinand Foch, Professor of Strategy, Ecole Superieure de
Guerre.
.- - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - -
.- - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - -
------- "Everything that can be invented has been invented." - Charles H. Duell, Commissioner, U.S. Office of Patents, 1899.
.- - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - -
.- - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - -
------- "640k ought to be enough for anybody." - Bill Gates, 1981
-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=
-=-=-=-=-=-=
An American tourist in Tel Aviv was about to enter
the
impressive Mann Auditorium to hear a concert by the IsraelPhilharmonic. He was admiring the architecture, the
sweeping
lines of the entrance, the modern décor throughout
the building.
Finally he turned to his escort and asked if the building
was
named for Thomas Mann, the world-famous author.
"No," his friend said, "it's
named for Fredieric Mann, from
Philadelphia."
"Never heard of him," said the American.
"What did he write?"
"A check."
-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=
A physics professor was very strict about attendance,
and
despised tardiness. Every student caught arriving to class
late
(especially those interrupting his lecture) was quicklyreprimanded in front of the whole class. Students were quick
to
comment on the professor's genetics.
One day a student entered through the front doors of the
lecture
hall, while the prof was writing notes on the chalkboard.
The
professor caught the student out of the corner of his eye
(this
acute sense of peripheral vision, further supported the rumorsof his evolution), and turned to face the student. He demanded,"What do you think you're doing?"
Being a science student, one naturally thinks quickly,
so the
student snapped up and replied, "I came down from the
back to
get a better look at the board." The prof smiled.
--
Have a magic day and pass it on.
Magic Mike http://funandmagic.com/
.- - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - -
----------------
.
Get long distance as low as 3 cents a minute - http://ld.net/?phon4less.The BEST, cheapest water filter is a solid carbon blockhttp://www.users.uswest.ne
Subject: Lots of star stuff, basic training, tofu warning
Date: Wed, 01 Mar 2000 09:41:16 -0800
From: "Magic Mike" <mmb
Organization: http://funandmagic.com/
To: "you" <mmb
Hi,
Well as soon as I moved my site my new server
went down for repairs. Everyone is
installing new equipment and new safeguards it seems. There are a backlog of good things on the photo
wallpaper page. Would you like to see
the smoking gun that wiped out 90% of all life on the planet?Also, a stunning retake of the Sombrero Galaxy, along with
a massive globular cluster.
They are at http://funandmagic.com/photolinks2.htm .
There is a scary story at the bottom about tofu
and brain disorders. I knew there was a
reason I didn't like the stuff.
I found a new donation site. It has the hunger
site, cancer, rain forest and many more.
Visit it as often as possible and put in a click.Corporate sponsors pay for your cyberwalk. http://www.twoscoops.com/giving.html
.
Have a magic day and pass
this on as is please.
Magic Mike
http://funandmagic.com/
Dear Ann Landers: I received this on the Internet from a
fellow soldier, and I hope you
will print it. -- Longtime Fan in Mechanicsburg, Pa.
Dear Longtime Fan: Several Internet Faithfuls sent me
this piece, and I want to thank all
who did. Here it is:
You Can Learn It All in Basic Training
By Dennis Rogers
Everything you need to know to succeed in life can be
learned in three months of basic
training:
You can get along with anybody if you take a lot of showers together.
No matter how bad your haircut is, it always grows back.
If you are really hungry, even lousy food is delicious.
Guns DO kill people, too.
The fastest way to accomplish something is not by working
as fast as you can, but as
steadily as you can.
It is not courage that makes ordinary people perform extraordinary
deeds. It is the shame
of letting down people who are counting on you.
Payday is sweeter when you know you have earned it.
Neatness always counts, so make your bed every day.
You're never as tired as you think you are, especially when someone starts yelling at you.
Learn to follow instructions.
Everyone should wear name tags.
If you have to, you can eat a meal in 10 minutes or less.
Clean your tools after you use them, because you might not have time later on.
Singing while you walk with a large group of people doesn't
feel nearly as silly as you
thought it would.
Having someone you trust watching your back makes all things seem possible.
-==-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=---=-
THE TOP 14 UNPUBLISHED "BEATLES" SONGS
14. Got to Get You Off of My Wife
13. She Came In Thru John's Fragile Ego
12. She's A Woman (Who Was A Man)
11. Can't Buy Me Love (But Can Rent It By The Hour
For 300
Big Ones!)
10. Polythene Pam Anderson
9. Crackbird
8. Lucy In The Sky With Linus
7. Eleanor Furby
6. All You Need Is Drugs
5. Nor-Region Woody
4. She Came In Through The Whitehouse Window3. While My Guitar Gently Fetches £150,000 At
Auction
2. I Wanna Hold You, Hans
And Topfive.com's Number 1 Unpublished Beatles Song:
1. Lay Me, Madonna
-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=
-=--=-
Ratio of an igloo's circumference
to its diameter: Eskimo Pi
Basic unit of laryngitis: 1 hoarsepower
Time between slipping on a peel and
smacking the pavement: bananosecond
Exactly 2.4 statute miles of intravenous surgicaltubing at Yale University Hospital: 1 I.V. League
2000 pounds of Chinese soup: Won ton
One millionth of a mouthwash: 1 microscope
Speed of a tortoise breaking
the sound barrier: Mach Turtle
Time it takes to sail 220 yards
at 1 nautical mile per hour: knot-furlong
Exactly 365.25 days of drinking low-calorie beer: 1 lite year
Precisely 16.5 feet in the Twilight Zone: 1 Rod Sterling
Half of a large intestine: 1 semicolon
1000 aches: 1 megahurtz
Exactly 453.6 graham crackers: 1 pound cake
Given the old adage "a journey of a thousandmiles begins with a single step," the first
step of a one-mile journey: 1 Milwaukee
1 million microphones: 1 megaphone
1 million bicycles: 2 megacycles
365.25 days: 1 unicycle
2200 mockingbirds: two kilomockingbirds
10 cards: 1 decacards
1 kilogram of falling figs: 1 Fig Newton
1000 grams of wet socks: 1 literhosen
1 millionth of a fish: 1 microfiche
1 trillion pins: 1 terrapin
1 million billion picolos: 1 gigolo
10 rations: 1 decoration
100 rations: 1 C-ration
10 millipedes: 1 centipede
10 monologs: 5 dialogs
5 dialogs: 1 decalog
2 monograms: 1 diagram
8 nickels: 2 paradigms
2 wharves: 1 paradox
-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=
-=-=-
The Washington Post's Style Invitational asked readers
to take any word from the
dictionary, alter it by adding, subtracting, or changing
one letter, and supply a new
definition. Here are some recent winners:
Reintarnation: Coming back to life as a hillbilly.Foreploy: Any misrepresentation about yourself for the purpose
of getting laid.
Giraffiti: Vandalism spray-painted very, very high.Sarchasm: The gulf between the author of sarcastic wit and
the person who doesn't get it.
Inoculatte: To take coffee intravenously when you are running
late.
Hipatitis: Terminal coolness.
Osteopornosis: A degenerate disease.
Karmageddon: It's like, when everybody is sending off all
these really bad vibes,right?
And then, like, the Earth explodes and it's like, a serious
bummer.
Glibido: All talk and no action.
Dopeler effect: The tendency of stupid ideas to seem smarter
when they come at you
rapidly.
Intaxication: Euphoria at getting a tax refund, which lasts
until you realize it was your
money to start with.
(Saved the Best for last!)
Ignoranus: A person who's both stupid and an asshole.
-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=
-=-=-
An elderly couple was visiting New York's fashion districtwhen the wife noticed her husband staring at the models intheir short skirts and revealing blouses.
"Henry," his wife said, "stop that!
You look like you've never
seen a woman's legs or breasts before!"
"You know," he replied somewhat sadly, "I
was just thinking
the exact same thing myself."
-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=--=-=-
Did you know that dolphins are so intelligent that within
only a
few weeks of captivity, they can train humans to stand at
the
edge of the pool and throw them fish?
(ok, that was a quckie, so here's another one for ya:)
I got a sweater for Christmas. I wanted a screamer or
a
moaner.
-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=
Classified ad in the Crawfordsville, Ind., Journal-Review:"FOUND - Huge, black, male dog. Kids are feeding
and
picking out a name. Owner call 555-2440. Hurry!"
~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~
A husband and wife tried to work different hours so theycould provide as much care of their preschoolers aspossible. One night the wife said to her husband, "Theboys have been asking me about religion, sex, life anddeath. When you're alone with them, what do they askyou?"
Her husband's reply..."They ask me, 'Where's Mommy?'"
~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~
A bit of advice for those about to retire: If you'reonly 65, never move to a retirement community. Everybodyelse is in their 70s, 80s or 90s, so whenever somethinghas to be moved, lifted or laded, they yell, "Get the kid!"
-=-=-=-=-
-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=---=-=
-
Jon:
To ensure that you have a good time on your trip to Australia,your team members have planned and developed a specialitinerary to fill the time during your leisure hours. Agendafollows:
Day 1: The "10 Deadliest Snakes" Fall Tour.
You and a guest
will be escorted through the outback and provided with theopportunity to handle and examine each of the world's 10
most
deadly snakes.
Day 2: The "Great White Encounter." You and
your tour guide
will take a small boat to the Great Barrier Reef, where you
will
be able to dive into the chum-laden water and experience
the
beauty of the Great White shark.
Day 3: The Aboriginal "Festival of Spears."
You will be the
honored guest of a small aboriginal village as they celebratethe subjugation of the aboriginal race by the white man,
with
free liquor and a special weapons exhibition.
Day 4: The "Crocodile Dundee" Petting Zoo. You
will be able to
come up-close and personal with the occasionally harmlesssalt-water crocodiles of the Australian coast. Lucky audiencemembers are asked to participate in a croc wrestlingexhibition.
Day 5: "Those Marvelous Morays." This tour will
once again
return you to the beauty of the Great Barrier Reef, where
you
will be allowed to hand feed special finger-shaped sausages
to
the wild eels of Stubby Hand Reef.
We hope you will enjoy your trip!
Your loyal employees.
-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=
A lady is walking down the street to work and she see's
a
parrot in a pet store. The parrot says to her,"Hey
lady, you are
really ugly."
Well, the lady is furious! And she storms past the store
to her
work. On the way home she saw the same parrot in thewindow and the parrot said to her,"Hey lady, you arereally ugly."
She was incredibly ticked now. The next day see
saw the
same parrot and the parrot said to her, "Hey lady, you
are really
ugly."
The lady was so ticked that she went into the store and
said
that she would sue the store and kill the bird. The
store
manager said,"That's not good." and promised he
wouldn't say
it again.
When the lady walked past the store after work the parrot
said
to her, "Hey lady." She paused and said,"Yes?"
and the bird
said, "You know."
-=-=-=-=-=-=-=---=-=-
Oil Changing Instructions:
Women:
1. Pull up to Jiffy Lube when the mileage reaches 3000
since the last oil
change.
2. Drink a cup of coffee.
3. 15 minutes later, write a check and leave with a
properly maintained
vehicle.
Men:
1. Go to O'Reilly auto parts and write a check for
50 dollars for oil,
filter, oil lift (AKA kitty litter), hand cleaner and scented
tree.
2. Discover that the used oil container is full. Instead
of taking back
to O'Reilly to recycle, dump in hole in back yard.3. Open a beer and drink it.
4. Jack car up. Spend 30 minutes looking for jack stands.5. Find jack stands under kid's pedal car.
6. In frustration, open another beer and drink it.7. Place drain pan under engine.
8. Look for 9/16 box end wrench.
9. Give up and use crescent wrench.
10. Unscrew drain plug.
11. Drop drain plug in pan of hot oil; get hot oil on you
in process.
12. Clean up.
13. Have another beer while oil is draining.
14. Look for oil filter wrench.
15. Give up; poke oil filter with Phillips screwdriver and
twist it off.
16. Beer.
17. Buddy shows up; finish case with him. Finish oil
change tomorrow.
18. Next day, drag pan full of old oil out from underneath
car.
19. Throw oil lift (AKA kitty litter) on oil spilled
during step 18.
20. Beer. No, drank it all yesterday.
21. Walk to 7-11; buy beer.
22. Install new oil filter making sure to apply thin
coat of clean oil to
gasket first.
23. Dump first quart of fresh oil into engine.24. Remember drain plug from step 11.
25. Hurry to find drain plug in drain pan.
26. Hurry to replace drain plug before the whole quart
of fresh oil
drains onto floor.
27. Slip with wrench and bang knuckles on frame.28. Bang head on floor board in reaction.
29. Begin cussing fit.
30. Throw wrench.
31. Cuss for additional 10 minutes because wrench hit
Miss December(1992.
32. Clean up; apply Band-Aid to knuckle.
33. Beer.
34. Beer.
35. Dump in additional 4 quarts of oil.
36. Beer.
37. Lower car from jack stands
38. Accidentally crush one of the jack stands39. Move car back to apply more oil lift (AKA kitty
litter) to fresh oil
spilled during step 23.
40. Drive car
-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-==-=-=-=-=
"Oh," sighed the wife one morning, "I'm
convinced my mind is almost
completely gone!"
Her husband looked up from the newspaper and commented,
"I'm not surprised: You've been giving me a piece
of it every day for
twenty years!"
-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=--=-=--=-=
It is hard to understand how a cemetery raised its burialcost and blamed it on the cost of living.
0 0 0 0 0
The 50-50-90 rule: Anytime you have a 50-50 chance
of
getting something right, there's a 90% probability you'llget it wrong.
0 0 0 0 0
It is said that if you line up all the cars in the worldend to end, someone would be stupid enough to try andpass them
0 0 0 0 0
You can't have everything, where would you put it?
0 0 0 0 0
If the shoe fits, get another one just like it.
0 0 0 0 0
Eat right. Stay fit. Die anyway.
0 0 0 0 0
A fine is a tax for doing wrong. A tax is
a fine for
doing well.
-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=
-=-=-
Here's a brief review of those two papers found in a letter
to the FDA from Daniel
Sheehan, PhD, Director of the Estrogen Base Program Division
of Genetic and Reproductive
Toxicology, and Daniel Doerge, PhD, Division of Biochemical
Toxicology:
=========================
==============================
========On 02/18/99, Dr. Sheehan & Dr. Doerge comment on White's work
=========================
==============================
========Finally, initial data from a robust (7,000 men) long-term (30+ years) prospective
epidemiological study in Hawaii showed that Alzheimer's disease prevalence in Hawaiian men
was similar to European-ancestry Americans and to Japanese
(White, et al,
1996a). In contrast, vascular dementia prevalence is
similar in Hawaii and Japan and both
are higher than in European- ancestry Americans.
This suggests that common ancestry or
environmental factors in Japan and Hawaii are responsible
for the higher prevalence of
vascular dementia in these locations.
Subsequently, this same group showed a significan't dose-dependent
risk (up to 2.4 fold)
for development of vascular dementia and brain atrophy from
consumption of tofu, a soy
product rich in isoflavones (White, et al,
1996b). This finding is consistent with the environmental
causation suggested from the
earlier analysis, and provides evidence that soy (tofu) phytoestrogens
causes vascular
dementia. Given that estrogens are important for maintenance
of brain function in women;
that the male brain contains aromatase, the enzyme that converts
testosterone to
estradiol; and that isoflavones inhibit this enzymatic activity
(Irvine, 1998), there is a
mechanistic basis for the human findings.
=========================
=====
=========================
==Full Letter: http://www.soyonlineservice.co.nz/files/nctrpti.doc
=========================
=====
=========================
==
The following is the abstract to the recent study, which
should be published by April.
Below that is a memorandum sent out by Doctor White after
the newspaper publications:
=========================
==============================
=========ABSTRACT TO UPCOMING PUBLICATION OF TOFU STUDY
=========================
==============================
=========Association of high midlife tofu consumption with accelerated brain aging . Lon White,
MD, MPH (From the Pacific Health Research Institute, Honolulu, HI.)
This investigation utilized the resources of the Honolulu
Heart Program, a longitudinal
study of Japanese-American men established in 1965 for research
on heart disease and
stroke.
Questions regarding frequency of consumption of tofu and
26 other foods were asked at
interviews in 1965-67 and again in 1971-74. Cognitive
testing was done (n=3734) and cases
of dementia identified (n=225) at the 1991-93 examination,
when participants were aged
71-93 years. Atrophy was assessed by neuroimaging (n=574)
or autopsy (n=290). Cognitive
test data were also analyzed for wives of a sample of study
participants (n=502) who had
been living with the participants when their dietary interviews
were done. Poor cognitive
test performance in late life was associated with higher
midlife tofu consumption. An
independent association of similar magnitude and direction
was apparent among wives of
cohort members, using the husband's answers as proxy for
the wife's consumption. Midlife
tofu consumption was independently associated with low brain
weight and with ventricular
enlargement. Independent associations of more frequent
midlife tofu consumption with
clinically diagnosed Alzheimer's disease and with poor cognitive
functioning among
non-demented subjects were demonstrated.
Associations generally followed a dose-response pattern,
were statistically significan't
after controlling for all relevant and potentially confounding
factors, and remained
apparent after stratifying for age or obesity. These
data suggest that regular
consumption of tofu over many years in middle life may have
an adverse influence on brain
aging manifest as accelerated atrophy, cognitive decline,
and a lowering of the threshold
for the clinical manifestations of Alzheimer's disease.
We speculate that these may
reflect chronic sub-optimal neuronal plasticity caused by
isoflavone inhibition of
tyrosine kinase activity and/or by interference with estrogen-related
mechanisms.
Original Star-Honalulu Bulletin:
Friday, November
19, 1999 By Craig T.
Kojima, Star-Bulletin Eating lots of tofu leads to "accelerated
brain aging," a study
says.
Too much tofu induces 'brain aging,' study shows A Hawaii
research team says high
consumption of the soy product by a group of men lowered
mental abilities By Helen Altonn
Star-Bulletin Tofu is touted for its health benefits, but
also may pose health risks, says
a Hawaii scientist.
A Hawaii study shows a significan't statistical relationship
between two or more servings
of tofu a week and "accelerated brain aging" and
even an association with Alzheimer's
disease, says Dr. Lon White.
The Pacific Health Research Institute researcher urged
caution at a recent conference in
Washington as scientists from around the world discussed
the role of soy products in the
prevention and treatment of disease.
The symposium was sponsored by giant soybean growing and
processing firms such as Archer
Daniels Midland and DuPont.
The largely unregulated food supplements industry is preparing
to step up sales, claiming
that isoflavones, plant chemicals found in high concentrations
in soybeans, offer
"natural" cures for breast cancer, osteoporosis,
prostate cancer, heart disease,
menopausal "hot flashes" and other chronic conditions.
Negative conclusions But, White said in an interview, "The majority of scientists said the
data they were talking about for beneficial effects on
health is very weak" and doesn't
really support health claims for soy foods.
White and his associates have been studying diseases and
aging in a group of
Japanese-American men who volunteered for medical research
in
1965. The Honolulu Heart Program began with 8,006 men
born from 1900 through
1919. They were identified through World War II Selective
Service registration records.
In comparing the dietary habits and health of the Japanese-American men in the study group
between 1965 and
1993, White said the scientists found "a significan't
link between tofu consumption during
midlife and loss of mental ability and even loss of brain
weight."
The men were questioned about 27 foods and drinks, with
data showing that those who ate
more tofu were apt to have impaired mental ability, White
said.
Tofu was the only consistent link among the men, he said.
The rate of brain impairment,
which normally increases with age, also went up faster in
the men who ate the most tofu,
he said.
"The test results were about equivalent to what they
would have been if they were five
years older," he said.
"Guys who ate none, their test scores were as though
they were five years younger."
The brains of 300 men who died also were examined in a
unique autopsy study conducted as
part of the Honolulu aging project, White said. The
300 men didn't appear to have had any
more strokes than the average person, and their blood vessels didn't look different.
"But what I did see was (that) the simple weight
of the brain was lower," he said.
Shrinkage occurs naturally with age, but atrophy progressed
more rapidly in those men who
had consumed more tofu, White said.
He said the wives of about 500 men also provided information
about what they ate, and the
findings correlated with what their husbands said.
Stark contrast So the scientists obtained four independent indicators of an adverse effect
from frequent eating of tofu and changes in the brain with aging, White said.
Those who ate a lot of tofu, by the time they were 75
or 80 looked five years older, he
said.
"Why in the world would that happen?" he said. "Everyone knows protein in tofu and soy is
wonderfully nutritious.
Everyone knows fats are wonderfully nutritious.
"But more and more and more over the last five to
10 years, people have been claiming the
health benefits of soy foods are less related to its nutrient
composition, proteins and
fat, and more related to other molecules that occur in tofu
made by soy plants and act as
pharmacological agents."
Isoflavones, the most talked about, "are molecules
that the soy plant makes while it's
germinating to help it fend off mold and other things that
attack the plant in the
ground," White said.
They're plant molecules that look like estrogens but they're
not natural estrogens, he
said. "When they get into cells, they actually
affect the metabolism of cells.
They inhabit certain kinds of enzymes and alter (the)metabolism of cells.
"The bottom line," stressed White, "is
these are not nutrients.
They are drugs. They will have some benefits and some
negative things."
Groundbreaking work White said his study, to his knowledge, is the only one to show strong
evidence of serious adverse effects from a soy product.
His group is seeking a new
National Institutes of Health grant to continue research
on the effects of tofu.
It may be beneficial for heart disease and bones, White
said.
"We don't know. All we know, in our study, is
there appears to be an adverse
relationship."
Among those at the conference was Finnish scientist Herman
Adlercreutz, who became
interested in soy after observing that breast cancer and
colon cancer were less common in
Japan than in Finland. His studies 20 years ago led
to a scientific explosion of interest
in soy and its components.
Adlercreutz believes more dietary soy, a staple of Asian
diets, would improve the health
of Americans and people of other Western countries.
But he said at the conference, "I am
myself frightened a little bit by all of this.
There is so much we don't know."
Mark Messina, a soy foods expert and former researcher
with the Diet and Cancer Branch of
the National Cancer Institute, told the scientists, "It's
simply not possible as yet to
draw any conclusions about soy consumption and cancer prevention,
but further research is
certainly warranted."
Companies that make money from soy products are pushing
hard to have people think of them
as "perfect food,"
White said "But if we're talking about soy foods containing
substances that have effects
on health that aren't nutrients, that are not vitamins, or
fat, but change how cells
operate, they're acting as drugs act. And the way we
think of them should be how we think
about drugs."
--
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