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Magic Mike's Jokes Archive #21
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"Since all phenomena, is a product of one's own mind,
empty of meaning, like a magician's illusion,
having nothing to do with good or bad, acceptance or rejection,
one might burst out in laughter."
- Longchenpa, 13th century Tibetan monk.
Subject: Mist and Creek at Sunrise Date: Fri, 14 Jan 2000 11:02:42 -0800 From: Magic Mike Berger <mmb Organization: http://funandmagic.com To: myfriends
Hi, Here is a really nice photo for your desktop, http://funandmagic.com/photolinks2.htm
but it is a little small so the black desktop background works best, unless
you LIKE that drab green. The 14 year old Tibetan that is in the news is
the reincarnation of The Karmapa, the leader of the Kagyu order. I met
the older version in Portland, Oregon just in 1980 just before he died.
I got to talk to him and ask a question. I asked if all things are insubstantial
and an illusion, how does Karma follow a person through lifetimes. He held
up a grape, which happened to be in front of him and said, "Just like
this grape, there is a seed that produces a certain root, and fruit. It
turned out my question and his answer was age-old dialogue, and he seemed
pleased to get it and give the standard response. Later, at The Black Hat
initiation, he said during blessing me in line and asked how I was doing
NOW! I was prepared, gave him just a flower as a silent answer, which again
was classic and he laughed. I will scan a photo I have of him and put it
on site.
Have a magic day and pass it on.
Magic Mike
http://funandmagic.com/
Fifteen minutes into the flight from New York to Phoenix, the captain announced, "Ladies and gentlemen, one of our engines has failed. There is nothing to worry about. Our flight will take an hour longer than scheduled, but we still have three engines left."
Thirty minutes later the captain announced, "One more engine has failed and the flight will take an additional two hours. But don't worry . . .we can fly just fine on two engines."
An hour later the captain announced, "One more engine has failed and our arrival will be delayed another hour. But don't worry... we still have one engine left."
Sherry, a young blonde passenger turned to the man in the next seat and sighed, .... ..."If we lose one more engine, we'll be up here all day!"
-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=
Morris a young man wanted to get his beautiful blonde wife Sherry something nice for their first wedding anniversary. So he decides to buy her a cell phone. She is all excited, she loves her phone. He shows her and explains to her all the features on the phone.
The next day Sherry,the blonde, goes shopping. Her phone rings and it's her husband Morris, "Hi hon, "he says, "How do you like your new phone?"
"I just love it, it's so small and your voice is clear as a bell but there's one thing I don't understand. How did you know I was at the beauty parlor ?"
-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=
An old man and his wife lived deep in the hills and seldom saw many people.
One day a peddler came by to sell his goods and asked the man if he or his wife wanted to buy anything.
"Well, my wife ain't home, she's gone down to the crick to wash clothes, but lemme see what you got," said the man.
The peddler showed him pots and pans, tools and gadgets, but the old man wasn't interested.
Then the man spotted a mirror and said, "What's that?"
Before the peddler could tell him it was a mirror, the old man picked it up and said, "My God how'd you get a picture of my Pappy?"
The old man was so happy, he traded his wife's best pitcher for it. The peddler left before the wife came back and spoiled his sale.
The old man was worried that the wife would be mad at him for trading her best pitcher, so he hid it in the barn behind some boxes of junk.
He would go out to the barn 2 or 3 times a day to look at the "picture" and eventually the wife got suspicious.
One day she got fed up and after he retired for the night, she went out to the barn. She saw the mirror behind the boxes, picked it up and said, "so this is the hussy he's been foolin' around with!"
=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=--=-=-=
A lawyer defending a man accused of burglary tried this creative defense:
"My client merely inserted his arm into the window and removed a few trifling articles. His arm is not himself, and I fail to see how you can punish the whole individual for an offense committed by his limb."
"Well put," the judge replied. "Using your logic, I sentence the defendant's arm to one year's imprisonment. He can accompany it or not, as he chooses."
The defendant smiled. With his lawyer's assistance he detached his artificial limb, laid it on the bench, and walked out.
-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=--=-=
As the foreman was inspecting the workmen on site, he was surprised to find one worker hanging from a rope in the middle of the room repeating, "I'm a chandelier, I'm a chandelier."
The foreman gives him a stern talking to as the other men watched and orders him back to work. During his next inspection of the same room, again the worker is hanging from the rope doing exactly what he was told not to.
Furious at his disobedience the foreman fires him on the spot. To his surprise every worker in the room begins packing up their tools and leaving.
He stops one worker and says, "Why are all of you leaving?"
To which the reply is "You don't expect us to work without light do you?"
-==-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=
Between her sophomore and junior years at college, my daughter Laurie waited tables at a rather seedy steak house. One evening she waited on a well-dressed young couple.
In a rather condescending tone, the man asked her, "Have you ever thought of going to college?"
"Actually, I DO go to college," Laurie replied.
"Well, I went to Harvard," he said, surveying the restaurant, "and I'd NEVER work in a place like this."
"I go to Vassar," Laurie retorted, "and I'd never EAT in a place like this.
-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=
Lady of the house: "I want you to stand at the front door and call the guests' names as they arrive."
Butler: "Very well, madam. I've been wanting to do that for years."
-- Have a magic day and pass it on.
Magic Mike
.- - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - -
----------------
Are YOU REMEMBERING to FEED THE HUNGRY? All you do is click a button and somewhere in the world some hungry person gets a meal at no cost to you. http://www.thehungersite.com Corporate sponsors pay for the food, like a cyberwalk for hunger. Go EVERY DAY PLEASE! GO RIGHT NOW, and pass the word to others. Thanks, Magic Mike http://funandmagic.com/
Subject: Last Millennium's Full Moon Date: Thu, 13 Jan 2000 14:47:51 -0500 From: mmb To: mmb
Hi, Today's wallpaper choice is a big, sharp wonderful photo of the last full moon of 1999. You know, we take these large bodies of mass for granted. If we didn't have one, where would we live? If the Moon didn't affect the tides, or had a instability in it's orbit there would be big problems. See it at my photo links page http://funandmagic.com/photolinks2.htm . I have added so many new great quotes and inspirations, stop by http://funandmagic.com/inspirational-thought.html . I took the audio plug-in out of the download to speed it up. Have a magic day. pass it on as-is, please. Magic Mike http://funandmagic.com/
An inebriated chap was brought before the local Judge. "You are charged with habitual drunkenness," the magistrate thundered. "Have you anything to offer in your defense?"
Came the slurred reply, "Habitual thirst, your Honor."
-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=
A man walks into a bar. "Gimme a double, before the shit hits the fan."
A few minutes later, same thing. "Gimme a beer before the shit hits the fan."
This goes on for an hour or so. Finally the Bartender goes up to him and says, "Listen buddy, maybe you should pay before you get another drink."
"Oops, the shit just hit the fan." He replied.
=-----=-=---=-=-=-==
World War III. The US has succeeded in building a computer able to solve any strategic or tactical problem. Military leaders are assembled in front of the new machine and instructed to feed a difficult tactical problem into it. They describe a hypothetical situation to the computer and then ask the pivotal question: attack or retreat?
The computer hums away for an hour and then comes up with the answer: YES.
The generals look at each other, somewhat stupefied. Finally one of them submits a second request to the computer: YES WHAT?
Instantly the computer responded: YES SIR.
-=-=-=-=-=-=-=---
An overweight business associate of mine decided it was timeto shed some excess pounds. He took his new diet seriously, even changing his driving route to avoid his favorite bakery. One morning, however, he arrived at work carrying a gigantic coffeecake. We all scolded him, but his smile remained cherubic. "This is a very special coffeecake," he explained. " I accidentally drove by the bakery this morning and there in the window were a host of goodies. I felt this was no accident, so I prayed, 'Lord, if you want me to have one of those delicious coffeecakes, let me have a parking place directly in front of the bakery.'" "And sure enough," he continued, "the eighth time around the block, there it was!"
-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=
A friend took her dog to the parlor for a haircut, and asked what it would cost. Being told that it would cost her 60 bucks, she was shocked, "I only pay 50 bucks for my own haircut," she said with disdain.
"But you don't bite do you?" the groomer quickly replied.
-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=
There was once a young man who, in his youth, professed his desire to become a great writer.
When asked to define "great" he said, "I want to write stuff that the whole world will read, stuff that people will react to on a truly emotional level, stuff that will make them scream, cry, howl in pain and anger!"
He now works for Microsoft, writing error messages.
-=-=-===-=-===-=-=-=-
Y2K BUG
Robin's five year old son, Michael, told her this joke!!
Michael said: Do you know why the Y2K bug crossed the road?
Robin said: No, Michael, why did the Y2K bug cross the road?
Michael said: To mess up the other side!!!
-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=
DOING WHAT IT TAKES
Everyone dreams of being the quarterback that throws the last-second touchdown pass to win the game of the century. But to do this, you must be willing to put on the pads, endure the workouts and practice, practice, practice. Even then, there is no guarantee that the pass will be caught or result in a touchdown. Perhaps that's why there are so many more people in the stands then down on the playing field
John Spomer -- Have a magic day and pass it on. Magic
Mike
.- - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - -
---------------- Are YOU REMEMBERING to FEED THE HUNGRY? All you do is click a button and somewhere in the world some hungry person gets a meal at no cost to you. http://www.thehungersite.com Corporate sponsors pay for the food, like a cyberwalk for hunger. Go EVERY DAY PLEASE! GO RIGHT NOW, and pass the word to others. Thanks, Magic Mike http://funandmagic.com/
Subject: An AstroPhoto to buckle your seat bealts for. Date: Tue, 11 Jan 2000 09:53:55 -0800 From: Magic Mike Berger <mmb Organization: http://funandmagic.com To: you <you
Hi!
I have been a little preoccupied to write. So here is a massive
amount of jokes, there are plenty of new goodies on the recipes and inspiration
pages, and here is a awesome, awesome photo The Rosette Nebula in Hydrogen,
Oxygen, and Sulfur. Make it wallpaper, and hold on! See it at my Photo
Links page http://funandmagic.com/photolinks2.htm . Check out what's new at
my long distance services, http://ld.net/?phon4less , the cheapest around,
and my water filter,
, the cleanest water possible and it's only six cents a gallon. Get a filter
for your shower, too.
Have a magic day. Please pass this along as-is.
Magic Mike
http://funandmagic.com/
A Recipe for Happiness
Take twelve whole months. Clean them thoroughly of all bitterness, hate, and jealousy. Make them just as fresh and clean as possible.
Now cut each month into twenty-eight, thirty or thirty-one different parts, but don't make the whole batch at once. Prepare it one day at a time out of these ingredients.
Mix well into each day one part of faith, one part of patience, one part of courage, and one part of work.
Add to each day one part of hope, faithfulness, generosity, and meditation, and one good deed.
Season the whole with a dash of good spirits, a sprinkle of fun, a pinch of play, and a cupful of good humor.
Pour all of this into a vessel of love. Cook thoroughly over radiant joy, garnish with a smile, and serve with quietness, unselfishness, and cheerfulness.
You're bound to have a Happy New Year!
[ author unknown ]
--=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=
-=
While sitting in the upper deck business class front seat of a Cathay Pacific 747 in Taipei, the following announcement was heard over the cabin PA system:
"Ladies and gentlemen, we are overbooked and are offering anyone $1,000 plus a seat on the next flight in exchange for their seat on this flight."
After a short pause, the offer was loudly accepted by someone in the cockpit.
--=-=-=-=-=--------=-
Two elderly ladies are sitting, people-watching, in a Catskill
hotel lobby. "You know, " says Ethel, "I've been reading
this 'Sex and Marriage' book and all they talk about is mutual orgasm.
Mutual orgasm here, mutual orgasm there, that's all they talk about. Tell
me, Mabel, when your husband was alive, did you two ever have mutual orgasm?"
"No," says Mabel, "I think we had Allstate."
-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=
During a visit to a military medical clinic, I was sent to
the lab to have blood drawn. The technician there was friendly and mentioned
that his mood improved every day because he was due to leave the service
in two months.
As he applied the tourniquet on my arm, he told me that taking the blood wouldn't hurt much. Then, noticing my Air Force T-shirt he asked me what my husband did.
When I replied that he was a recruiter, the technician smiled slyly and said, "This might hurt a little more than I thought."
-=-=--=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=
A mother was teaching her three-year-old The Lord's Prayer. For several evenings at bedtime, the child repeated it after the mother. Then one night the child was ready to solo.
The mother listened with pride to the carefully enunciated words, right up to the end. "And lead us not into temptation, but deliver us some e-mail . . . "
-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=
OBSERVATIONS AND QUESTIONS
The dinner special sign said, "Turkey $2.35, Chicken or Beef #2.35, children $2.00.
I was born before 1945. We had our hair, not styled. We went to the 5&10 and not the Dollar Store, and teachers were respected, not sued.
Let me get this straight. If they clone me, do I become my own father.
I always try to understand the other fellow's point of view -- even though it's wrong.
My boss says that there's no "I" in team. I like to remind him that there is an "M" and an "E" though.
Yesterday, I was stuck in traffic so long that by the time I got home, my driver's license had expired.
I always wanted to be somebody, but I should have been more specific.
People are like toes. There are many in the world, but only a few you can count on.
My wife always told me not to get caught messing around with someone I would be ashamed to be seen in court with.
I saw this billboard that said, "Come see how we fly." Don't they still use those big shiny airplanes.
Why is it so difficult for me to listen to easy listening music?
I severely bruised my heel when I stepped on my alarm clock that had fallen off the table. I guess you could say that time wounds all heels.
As soon as I can get some big hair, I'm going to go to Washington, make a name for myself, and also some money.
The odds on the street against the NCAA anti-gambling program succeeding are 5-to-1.
Character does count, and Bill Clinton is a character.
Isn't it amazing that the ugly figure skaters never seem to appear on television.
If I were one of the Spice Girls, they would probably call me "Old Spice."
My brother-in-law is so dumb that if brains were taxed, he'd get a rebate.
I'm not eating beef anymore but it's not because of what Oprah said on her show. It is because of the way she is being treated by the beef industry.
Procrastinators are people who won't take now for an answer.
We should name the national debt after Reagan instead of National Airport.
A new job for Kenneth Starr, one better suited to his personality and mentality, would be a talent scout for the "Jerry Springer Show."
Boy, I wish I could sleep like I can when I don't want to sleep.
If a couple that gets sentenced to marriage can't get along, do they ask for divorce or parole?
If I lick Jerry Garcia postage stamps, will I get stoned?
Hold your wallets, lock your doors, wear your ear plugs, the Congress is back in session.
My cohorts and I would like to know what a "hort" is?
Reading HUMOR makes you feel like the Navajo who looked across the desert and saw the mushroom cloud from the first atomic blast. He was sending smoke signals and he thought, "I wish I'd said that?"
I quit smoking cold turkey. It was too hard cramming it into my pipe.
El Nino ate my homework.
Now that I've remarried, I've discovered my first husband was not the dumbest man in the world after all.
The economy is doing great, the budget is balanced, and we're not at war. Yeah, the president has got to go.
Don't worry if you start losing your memory. In fact, just forget about it.
The spell checker on my word processor stopped at the word 'Gingrich' and suggested I replace that word with 'jingoish.' Artificial intelligence? Or intelligent insight?
I said, "I'd like to strike a happy medium," and my friend replied, "If you do, she might put a hex on you."
If the No. 2 pencil is so popular, why is it still No. 2?
Why do you smokers hold your smoldering cigarette out the car window? Roll up the window and enjoy it all!
The receptionist in my office complained to the boss that she couldn't get her work done because she had to answer the phones!
-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=--
The Policeman recently stopped a woman for exceeding the posted speed limit. He asked the driver her name.
She said, "I'm Mrs. Ladislav Abdulkhashim Zybkcicraznovskaya from the Republic of Uzbekistan visiting my daughter in Tallahassee."
The cop put away his summons book and pen, and said, "Well... OK... but don't let me catch you speeding again."
-=-=-=-=-=-=--=-=
A Veterinarian was feeling ill and went to see her doctor.
The doctor asked her all the usual questions, about symptoms, how long
had they been occurring, etc., when she interrupted him: "Hey look,
I'm a vet - *I* don't need to ask my patients these kind of questions:
I can tell what's wrong just by looking." She smugly added, "Why
can't you?"
The doctor nodded, stood back, looked her up and down, quickly wrote out a prescription, handed it to her and said, "There you are. Of course, if *that* doesn't work, we'll have to have you put to sleep."
-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=
Old Aunt Dora went to her doctor to see what could be done about her constipation.
"It's terrible," she said, "I haven't moved my bowels in a week."
"I see. Have you done anything about it?" asked the doctor.
"Naturally," she replied, "I sit in the bathroom for a half hour in the morning and again at night."
"No," the doctor said, "I mean do you take anything?"
"Naturally," she answered, "I take a book."
-=-=--=--=-=-=-=-=-
NUGGETS OF WISDOM
If I had a hammer
I'd hammer in the morning
I'd hammer till my jerk neighbor
Shouted "shut up with @#$%& hammering!"
If you truly love something
Set it free!
Then, if it comes back
You can be all: "what are *you* doing here?"
Sometimes when we touch
The honesty's too much
And I have to close my eyes
And imagine you are Cindy Crawford
When schools have everything they need
And the Army has to hold a bake sale for a new bomber
We'll all be speaking Chinese and worshipping Mao
They say if a man can dream it
He can do it
If that's so
There's going to be a lot of exhausted Supermodels in my Sky Box at the
Super Bowl
As the Bible says
To everything,
There is a season
And the NBA one lasts forever
When I think about Santa's elves working day and night to make toys I
think:
"Hey, Santa's using handicapped freaks to do his grunt work for free
I believe there is a God,
And he has a Plan that we sometimes can't understand.
Otherwise, how do you explain Claudia Schiffer And David Copperfield!?!?
I believe the children are our future
Because if the average "child" is, say, 5
And the average "adult" is, say 45
Then the "child" will be alive in the future when the "adult" is dead
So, I'm pretty sure I'm right
Sometimes late at night, I'll wake up from a sound sleep
And in the quiet of the night, my mind becomes clear
And I'll wonder --
Why didn't I remember to buy the crunchy Cheetoh's
I hate the puffy ones!
To me, religion and spirituality are very different
With religion, you go to Church every Sunday
With spirituality, you stay home and watch ESPN's "NFL Gameday"
Sex is 1 percent inspiration
and 99% fornication
Everyone laughed when I sat down to play at the piano
But I suppose that's because there was dog poop on the stool.
They say "You can never go home again"
And, I guess that's true
At least until the restraining order runs out
I'll never understand how a person can discriminate against somebody
Based on the color of their skin
Unless it's like, green or something -- with pus oozing out of it
Two roads diverged in the woods
I took the one less traveled
and had to eat bugs until Park rangers rescued me
No one ever died saying
"I wish I had spent more time at work"
Unless they were, like, a Playboy photographer
or something cool like a Zamboni driver
When I was a child
I spake as a child
Now, I am a man
And I curse like a @#$%^& sailor
If I was Amish
I would definitely want to shun someone right way
Because, how cool is that?
I say poe-tay-toe
You say poe-tah-toe
I say toe-may-toe
You say toe-mah-toe
You are wrong and am right
I remember growing up as a kid
The first thing someone said at dinner was a prayer to God, and
The last thing someone said was usually "You are dead to me!"
Give a man a fish
and he has a meal
Teach a man to fish
And you get out of work around the house
For a weekend, maybe two
God grant me the serenity
To assemble my kids' Christmas presents
Without shooting an aneurysm
I'd like to teach the world to sing
In perfect harmony
But, mainly Bob Dylan
When I look at the world today
I think: "It's time to get back to the good old-fashioned basics!"
Except for the bloodlettings, and leeches and really stupid stuff
Whenever the crazy modern world of work gets me down
I remember the lessons of the past
I remember how my father slaved silently in his little store in our
little town
Then, when things got tough
He went bankrupt and left the creditors holding the bag
So, what's the worst that can happen?
Sometimes, I'll be driving alone late at night
And, I'll see a terrible wreck on the highway
My thoughts will turn to my family, and I'll think
"If David asks for a Star Wars action figure again -- I'm going to
throttle him."
When someone says to me they give "110%" to whatever they are doing
It always makes me feel good inside
Because I know I'm not as big a moron as they are
-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=---=-=
-
Subject: The Whole Boston Thing...
BASIC RULES FOR DRIVING IN BOSTON (subject to change at any time):
1. When on a one way street, stay to the right to allow oncoming traffic to pass.
2. Never, ever, stop for a pedestrian unless he flings himself under the wheels of your car.
3. The first parking space you see will be the last parking space you see. Grab it.
4. Double park in the North End of Boston, unless triple parking is available.
5. Learn to swerve abruptly. Boston is the home of slalom driving, thanks to the Registry of Motor Vehicles, which puts potholes in key locations to test drivers' reflexes and keep them on their toes.
6. Never get in the way of a car that needs extensive bodywork.
7. Always look both ways when running a red light.
8. Honk your horn the instant the light changes.
9. Breakdown lanes are not for breaking down, but for speeding, especially during rush hour. Breakdown lanes may also end without warning causing traffic jams as people merge back in.
10. Never use directional signals when changing lanes. They only warn other drivers to speed up and not let you in.
11. Making eye contact revokes your right of way.
12. Never pass on the left when you can pass on the right.
13. Whenever possible, stop in the middle of a crosswalk to ensure inconveniencing as many pedestrians as possible. And if a pedestrian ahead of you steps in the road, speed up loudly and chase him back up on the curb. Pedestrians have no rights.
GETTING AROUND:
1. Pay no attention to the street names. There's no school on School Street, no court on Court Street, no dock on Dock Square, no water on Water Street. Back Bay streets are in alphabetical odda. Arlington, Berkeley, Clarendon, Dartmouth. So are South Boston streets: A, B, C, D.
2. If the streets are named after trees (Walnut, Chestnut, Cedar), you're on Beacon Hill. If they're named after poets, you're in Wellesley.
3. All avenues are properly referenced by their nicknames: Comm Ave, Mass Ave., Dot Ave.
4. Dot is Dorchester, Rozzie is Roslindale, JP is Jamaica Plain. Readville doesn't exist.
THE NORTH-EAST-SOUTH-WEST THING:
1. Southie is South Boston. The South End is the South End. Eastie is East Boston. The North End is east of the West End.
2. The West End and Scollay Square are no more-a guy named Rappaport got rid of them one night.
3. The geographical center of Boston is in Roxbury. Due north of the center we find the South End. This is not to be confused with South Boston, which lies directly east from the South End. North of the South End is East Boston and southwest of East Boston is the North End. Back Bay was filled in years ago.
You Know You're From Boston If:
1. You think of Philadelphia as the Midwest.
2. You think it's your God-given right to cut someone off in traffic.
3. You think there are only 25 letters in the alphabet (no R's)
4. You think three straight days of 90+ temperatures is a heat wave.
5. All your pets are named after Celtics or Bruins.
6. You refer to 6 inches of snow as a "dusting"
7. Just hearing the words "New York" puts you in an angry mood.
8. You don't think you have an attitude.
9. You always 'bang a left' as soon as the light turns green, and oncoming traffic always expects it.
10. Everything in town is "a five minute walk".
11. When out of town, you think the natives of the area are all whacked.
12. You still can't bear to watch highlights from game 6 of the 1986 World Series.
13. You have no idea what the word compromise means.
14. You believe using your turn signal is a sign of weakness 15. You don't realize that you walk and talk twice as fast as everyone else.
16. You're anal, neurotic, pessimistic & stubborn.
17. You think if someone is nice to you, they must want something or are from out of town.
18. Your favorite adjective is "wicked".
19. You think 63 degree ocean water is warm.
20. You think the Kennedy's are misunderstood.
WHEN WE SAY/WE MEAN...
1. Bizah=odd 3. Hahpahst0=minutes after the hour 4. Hahwahya=how are you 5. Khakis=what we staht the cah with 6. Pissah=superb 9. Wikkid=extremely 11. Popcahn=popular snack HOW WE'LL KNOW YOU WEREN'T BON HEAH:
1. You wear a Harvard sweatshirt.
2. You ask directions to "Cheers"
3. You order a grinder and a soda.
4. You follow soccer.
5. You eat at Durgin Park 6. You pronounce it "Worchester" or Glouchester"
7. You call is "COPELY" square.
DEFINITIONS:
1. Frappes have ice cream; milk shakes don't 2. If it's fizzy and flavored, it's tonic. Soda is club soda. Pop is dad. When we mean tonic WATER, we say tonic WATER.
3. The smallest beer is a pint.
4. Scrod is whatever they tell you it is, usually fish.
5. If you paid more than $6 a pound, you got scrod.
6. It's not a water fountain, it's a bubblah.
7. It's not a trash can, it's a barrel 8. It's not a shopping cart, it's a carriage.
9. It's not a purse, it's a pockabook.
10. Brown bread comes in a can. You open both ends, push it out, heat it and eat it with baked beans.
11. They're not franks, they're haht dahgs. Franks are money in France.
THINGS NOT TO DO:
1. Don't call it Beantown.
2. Don't pahk your cah in Hahvid Yahd. They'll tow it to Meffa (Medford) or Slumaville (Sommerville)
3. Don't swim in the Charles, no matter what Bill Weld tells you.
4. Don't sleep in the Common.
5. Don't wear orange in Southie on St. Patrick's Day.
THINGS YOU SHOULD KNOW:
1. There are two State Houses, two City Halls, two courthouses and two Hancock buildings (one old, one new).
2. Route 128 is also I-95. It is also I-93.
3. It's the Sox, The Pats (or Patsies if they're losing), the Seltz, the Broons.
4. The underground train is not the subway. It's the T and it doesn't run all night (fah chrysakes, this ain't Noo Yawk).
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---=
A tourist walked into a pet shop and was looking at the animals on display.
While he was there another customer walked in and said to the shopkeeper,
"I'll have a C monkey please."
The shopkeeper nodded, went over to a cage at the side of the shop, and took out a monkey. He fitted a collar and leash and handed it to the customer, saying,
"That will be $5,000".
The customer paid and walked out with his monkey.
Startled, the tourist went over to the shopkeeper and said,
"That was a very expensive monkey. Why did it cost so much?!".
The shopkeeper answered,
"Ah, that monkey can program in C - very fast, tight code, no bugs, well worth it!"
The tourist looked at the monkey in another cage.
"That one's even more expensive- $10,000! What does it do?"
"Oh, that one's a C++ monkey; it can manage object-oriented programming, Visual C++, even some Java. All the really useful stuff", said the shopkeeper.
The tourist looked around for a little longer and saw a third monkey in a cage of its own. The price tag around its neck read $50,000.
He gasped to the shopkeeper,
"That one costs more than all the others put together! What on earth does it do?"
The shopkeeper replied, "Well, I haven't actually seen it do anything, but it says it's an SAP consultant."
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This fundamentalist Christian couple felt it important to own an equally fundamentally Christian pet. So, they went shopping.
At a kennel specializing in this particular breed, they found a dog they liked quite a lot. When they asked the dog to fetch the Bible, he did it in a flash. When they instructed him to look up Psalm 23, he complied equally fast, using his paws with dexterity. They were impressed, purchased the animal, and went home (piously, of course).
That night they had friends over. They were so proud of their new fundamentalist dog and his major skills, they called the dog and showed off a little.
The friends were impressed, and asked whether the dog was able to do any of the usual dog tricks, as well. This stopped the couple cold, as they hadn't thought about "normal" tricks.
Well, they said, "let's try this out."
Once more they called the dog, and they clearly pronounced the command, "Heel!"
Quick as a wink, the dog jumped up, put his paw on the man's forehead, closed his eyes in concentration, and bowed his head.
-- Have a magic day and pass it on. Magic Mike
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---------------- Are YOU REMEMBERING to FEED THE HUNGRY? All you do is click a button and somewhere in the world some hungry person gets a meal at no cost to you. http://www.thehungersite.com Corporate sponsors pay for the food, like a cyberwalk for hunger. Go EVERY DAY PLEASE! GO RIGHT NOW, and pass the word to others. Thanks, Magic Mike http://funandmagic.com/
Subject: Cute squirrel Date: Sun, 02 Jan 2000 10:20:25 -0800 From: Magic Mike B <mmb Organization: http://funandmagic.com To: you <you
Hi, Well, it's just another day. Was it magic for you?
Here in Seattle it was very weird. One damn terrorist with a car-full of
explosives and nitroglycerin can ruin your whole end of the millennium.
After the WTO riots on the 1st day of Christmas shopping, the mayor here
canceled the celebration at the Space Needle when it was discovered the
guy had a room nearby. So it was a very muted evening, quite unlike the
rest of the world. For you desktop is a gray squirrel. A family lives behind
me and I feed them raisins and sunflower seeds from salad bars I go to,
washing the salt off. http://funandmagic.com/photolinks2.htm . My server was
down the other day. Also the NASA server is down. I posted new recipes
and of course there are new cartoons. Send more funny photos!
Have a magic day. Please pass this on as-is to friends.Magic Mike
http://funandmagic.com/
Late one night, a mugger wearing a ski mask jumped into the path of a well-dressed man and stuck a gun in his ribs. "Give me your money", he demanded.
Indignant, the affluent man replied, "You can't do this - I'm a United States Congressman!"
"In that case," replied the mugger, "give me MY money."
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-=-
New Policy
Effective immediately, the following economizing measures are being implemented in the "Twelve Days of Christmas" subsidiary:
1) The partridge will be retained, but the pear tree, which never produced the cash crop forecasted, will be replaced by a plastic hanging plant, providing considerable savings in maintenance; 2) Two turtle doves represent a redundancy that is simply not cost effective. In addition, their romance during working hours could not be condoned. The positions are, therefore, eliminated; 3) The three French hens will remain intact. After all, everyone loves the French; 4) The four calling birds will be replaced by an automated voice mail system, with a call waiting option. An analysis is underway to determine who the birds have been calling, how often and how long they talked; 5) The five golden rings have been put on hold by the Board of Directors. Maintaining a portfolio based on one commodity could have negative implications for institutional investors. Diversification into other precious metals, as well as a mix of T-Bills and high technology stocks, appear to be in order; 6) The six geese-a-laying constitutes a luxury which can no longer be afforded. It has long been felt that the production rate of one egg per goose per day was an example of the general decline in productivity. Three geese will be let go, and an upgrading in the selection procedure by personnel will assure management that, from now on, every goose it gets will be a good one; 7) The seven swans-a-swimming is obviously a number chosen in better times. The function is primarily decorative. Mechanical swans are on order. The current swans will be retrained to learn some new strokes, thereby enhancing their outplacement; 8) As you know, the eight maids-a-milking concept has been under heavy scrutiny by the EEOC. A male/female balance in the workforce is being sought. The more militant maids consider this a dead-end job with no upward mobility. Automation of the process may permit the maids to try a-mending, a-mentoring or a-mulching; 9) Nine ladies dancing has always been an odd number. This function will be phased out as these individuals grow older and can no longer do the steps; 10) Ten Lords-a-leaping is overkill. The high cost of Lords, plus the expense of international air travel, prompted the Compensation Committee to suggest replacing this group with ten out-of-work congressmen. While leaping ability may be somewhat sacrificed, the savings are significan't as we expect an oversupply of unemployed congressmen this year; 11) Eleven pipers piping and twelve drummers drumming is a simple case of the band getting too big. A substitution with a string quartet, a cutback on new music, and no uniforms, will produce savings which will drop right to the bottom line; Overall we can expect a substantial reduction in assorted people, fowl, animals and related expenses. Though incomplete, studies indicate that stretching deliveries over twelve days is inefficient. If we can drop ship in one day, service levels will be improved.
Regarding the lawsuit filed by the attorney's association seeking expansion to include the legal profession ("thirteen lawyers-a-suing"), a decision is pending.
Deeper cuts may be necessary in the future to remain competitive. Should that happen, the Board will request management to scrutinize the Snow White Division to see if seven dwarfs is the right number.
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-
A drunk staggering in the street was struck by a passing car. The driver slammed on the brakes, jumped out and looking back at the drunk shouted, "Look out!"
The drunk raised his head and asked, "Why? You gonna back up?"
-=-=-=-=-=-=-=--=-
There's a guy who lives in Ohio. One morning, he hears a voice in his head. The voice says, "Quit your job, sell your house, take all your money, and go to Las Vegas."
He ignores the voice.
Later in the day, he hears the voice again. "Quit your job, sell your house, take all your money, and go to Las Vegas."
Again, he ignores the voice.
Soon he hears the voice every minute of the day. "Quit your job, sell your house, take all your money, and go to Las Vegas."
He can't take it anymore. He believes the voice. He quits his job, sells his house, takes all his money, and flies to Las Vegas. As soon as he steps off the plane, the voice says, "Go to Caesar's Palace." He goes to Caesar's Palace.
The voice says, "Make your way to the roulette table." He goes to the roulette table. The voice says, "Put all your money on RED 23." He puts all his money on RED 23.
The dealer spins the wheel. It comes up BLACK 17.
The voice says "Uh oh . . ."
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There were three guys whose car had broken down so they were on the highway trying to thumb a ride. One guy was from Texas, one was from Mississippi and the other from Oklahoma. A trucker saw them and pulled over to help. He told them they could ride in the trailer but that they had to hide if he got pulled over so that he wouldn't be ticketed for picking up hitchhikers.
Well, sure enough, not 10 minutes down the road the truck got pulled over. The cop decided to have a look inside of the trailer and, at first glance, he didn't see anything unusual. The first thing he noticed was a very large crate. The cop went up to the crate, where the Texan was hiding, and knocked on it. The only sound he heard was "Moo", so he thought, "Hmm..a cow must be in here."
Then he noticed an average-sized box, which so happened to be where the Arkie was hiding. He shook it a little and heard the sound "Meow", so he assumed a cat was inside.
Finally, he noticed a large potato sack lying on the floor and this was where the Okie was hiding. The cop kicked the sack a couple of times and then heard "Potatoes!"
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-=
The Federal Aviation Agency's rules for takeoffs and landings of all jet-powered aircraft include this sentence: "The takeoff distance shall not be greater than the length of the runway."
Q. What's happening when you hear "Woof... splat... meow... splat?" A. It's raining cats and dogs.
An exchange student from Africa, dressed in colorful native robes, entered a bank in the western part of our county. He stepped up to the teller's window and told the elderly man he would like to cash a check. The teller eyed the student critically, then remarked, "You're from outta town, ain't cha?"
-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=--
5 out of every 4 Americans has trouble with fractions.
Q. How does a midget reveal to everyone that he's gay? A. He comes out of the cupboard
Ray's teacher sent a note home to his mother saying, "Ray seems to be a very bright boy, but he spends too much of his time thinking about sex and girls."
My mom wrote back the next day, "If you find a solution, please advise. I have the same problem with his father."fs
-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=
The story about the pilot ground school got me thinking about my first skydiving instructor.
During class he would take time to anwser any of our stupid First Timer Questions. One guy asked:
"If our chute doesn't open.....and the reserve doesn't open, how long do we have til we hit the ground?"
Our jump master looked at him and in perfect deadpan anwsered: "The rest of your life."
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