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"Since all phenomena, is a product of one's own mind,
empty of meaning, like a magician's illusion,
having nothing to do with good or bad, acceptance or rejection,
one might burst out in laughter."
- Longchenpa, 13th century Tibetan monk.
Subject: Y2K or not 2K, Adios Kemo Sabe, and Bye Bye Boris,
Planet Proctor Date: Fri, 31 Dec 1999 19:05:26 -0800 From: Magic Mike B
<mmb Organization: http://funandmagic.com To: you <you
Hi,
Well, Happy New Year! So, NOW what are you going to do? I wonder how many
checks you'll date 1999? No news so far on Y2K except a farmer in New Zealand
who never tweeked his computer. It was the only call Microsoft got all
morning from the other side of the hemisphere. Alpenglow on Banner Peak
- Located in the Ansel Adams Wilderness, Banner Peak is reflected in 1000
Island Lake at sunrise. See it at http://funandmagic.com/photolinks2.htm . Here
I am performing The Invisible Card Trick for The Lone Ranger and a spectator
at The National Cable TV TradeShow in Las Vegas just after Clayton got
his mask back. I showed him alone and he loved it so much he wanted someone
else to see it too. I was happy to be sent the photo in the mail.Have a magic millennium, and pass it on.
Magic Mike http://funandmagic.com/
True story:
Winston Churchill was visiting another country. The first evening there, at the state dinner, he pointed to the chicken entree and said, "May I have some breast?"
The hostess raised her eyebrows and curtly responded, "Mr. Churchill, in this country we ask for white meat or dark meat."
"My apologies, Madam, I was not aware of your customs."
The following day, a "thank you" gift was delivered to the party's hostess of a large orchid. The following was written on the note: "I would be obliged if you would pin this on your white meat -- W. Churchill" -=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=- A kangaroo kept getting out of his enclosure at the zoo. Knowing that he could hop high, the zoo officials put up a ten- foot fence. He was out the next morning, just roaming around the zoo. A twenty-foot fence was put up. Again he go out. When the fence was forty feet high, a camel in the next enclosure asked the kangaroo, "How high do you think they'll go?"
The kangaroo said, "About a thousand feet, unless somebody locks the gate at night!" -=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=
Christmas Shopping (For Men)
Buying gifts for men is not nearly as complicated as it is for women. Follow these rules and you should have no problems.
Rule #1: When in doubt - buy him a cordless drill. It does not matter if he already has one. I have a friend who owns 17 and he has yet to complain. As a man, you can never have too many cordless drills. No one knows why.
Rule #2: If you cannot afford a cordless drill, buy him anything with the word ratchet or socket in it. Men love saying those two words. "Hey George, can I borrow your ratchet?" "OK. Bye-the-way, are you through with my 3/8-inch socket yet?" Again, no one knows why.
Rule #3: If you are really, really broke, buy him anything for his car. A 99-cent ice scraper, a small bottle of deicer or something to hang from his rear view mirror. Men love gifts for their cars. No one knows why.
Rule #4: Do not buy men socks. Do not buy men ties. And never buy men bathrobes. I was told that if God had wanted men to wear bathrobes, he wouldn't have invented Jockey shorts.
Rule #5: You can buy men new remote controls to replace the ones they have worn out. If you have a lot of money buy your man a big-screen TV with the little picture in the corner. Watch him go wild as he flips, and flips, and flips.
Rule #6: Do not buy a man any of those fancy liqueurs. If you do, it will sit in a cupboard for 23 years. Real men drink whiskey or beer.
Rule #7: Do not buy any man industrial-sized canisters of after shave or deodorant. I'm told they do not stink - they are earthy.
Rule #8: Buy men label makers. Almost as good as cordless drills. Within a couple of weeks there will be labels absolutely everywhere. "Socks. Shorts. Cups. Saucers. Door. Lock. Sink." You get the idea. No one knows why.
Rule #9: Never buy a man anything that says "some assembly required" on the box. It will ruin his Special Day and he will always have parts left over.
Rule #10: Good places to shop for men include Northwest Iron Works, Parr Lumber, Home Depot, John Deere, Valley RV Center, and Les Schwab Tire. NAPA Auto Parts and Sear's Clearance Centers are also excellent men's stores. It doesn't matter if he doesn't know what it is. "From NAPA Auto, eh? Must be something I need. Hey! Isn't this a starter for a '68 Ford Fairlane? Wow! Thanks.")
Rule #11: Men enjoy danger. That's why they never cook - but they will barbecue. Get him a monster barbecue with a 100-pound propane tank. Tell him the gas line leaks. "Oh the thrill! The challenge! Who wants a hamburger?"
Rule #12: Tickets to a Red Wing/Lions/Pistons/Tigers game are a smart gift. However, he will not appreciate tickets to "A Retrospective of 19th Century Quilts." Everyone knows why.
Rule #13: Men love chain saws. Never, ever, buy a man you love a chain saw. If you don't know why - please refer to Rule #8 and what happens when he gets a label maker.
Rule #14: It's hard to beat a really good wheelbarrow or an aluminum extension ladder. Never buy a real man a step ladder. It must be an extension ladder. No one knows why.
Rule #15: Rope. Men love rope. It takes us back to our
cowboy origins, or at least The Boy Scouts. Nothing says love like a hundred
feet of 3/8" manilla rope. No one knows why.
-=-=-=-=-=-=-=
Subject: PP 2000/1 Date: Fri, 31 Dec 1999 14:39:35 -0500
From: phil proctor <PProctor@compuserve.com To: "A.A.A 3"
<pproctor@compuserve.com
((((((((((((((((((( PLANET PROCTOR 2000 - 1 http://www.planetproctor.com
"There are more love songs than anything else. If songs could make you do something, we'd all love one another." Frank Zappa
THE BUG STOPS HERE Beatle Harrison attacked in his palatial estate! Boris Yelstsin steps down! The Lone Ranger dies! And they said nothing would happen... Well, at least the "Ranger's Creed", as espoused by the late great Clayton Moore, lives on: "I Believe: That to have a friend, a man must be one. That God put the firewood there, but every man must gather and light it himself. That man should live by the rule of what is best for the greatest number. That sooner or later, somewhere, somehow, we must settle with the world and make payment for what we have taken That all things change but truth, and that alone lives on forever." Hi ho! He's still Number One with a Silver Bullet!
"The music business is a cruel and shallow money trench, a long plastic hallway where thieves and pimps run free, and good men die like dogs. There's also a negative side." Hunter S. Thompson
FUN FOR THE HOLY FAMILY Alex Iles and Keith Snell are two studio session trombonists who played in a Beverly Hills/Bel Air area Christmas concert presented by the church's Ministry of Arts, Music and Drama. "For those of you who have seen the movie," Alex adds, "you'll know why we started calling the Production Manager 'Guffman'..." "O.K. Everyone, work with me on this: let's focus, let's float with the feel, and all move within the envelope. It's Christmas - now go with that. Move, now, move! NO! Not the Magi! You have to see Jesus! Mary! Mary! Stop, go back. I don't want you out. Stay. No, don't stay, but don't leave. Can't you just go to the left and make a play area there without piercing the envelope that the others have established? Let's try that. I'd rather have the Magi move into a fun reveal, not a slow fade - do you follow me on this? Wait! Wait! Wait! That's not the fun reveal we planned for the Virgin. Let's do it again! Simeon! Simeon! Go back, you're penetrating the envelope of the Magi! Go back to your fun reveal. O.K. I think Jesus is not bright enough. Mary is glowing but perhaps we can have less of a fun reveal on her and more of a glow in Jesus. Can we NOT do a fun reveal here? I'm truly disturbed by the fun reveal. I don't think the fun reveal is warm. What do you think? Am I right on this? I don't have a bench here? Why isn't there a bench there? Joseph? Do you need a bench? Someone, give Joseph a bench. I thought there was supposed to be a bench there. -- That's a bench? It looks like a log! Thank you people. It looks like we have a show. Don't you think so? I do. What do you think? I know it's not perfect, but I think we all have a common concept and with the time we have left, I know we'll all find the same wave. By Sunday, I know the envelope will be solid. Good Night!" From Ken Gruberman
LAST PUN OF NINETY-NINE In the early 1700s, the captain of a Spanish pirate ship was very proud of his mongrel pet for its ability to bark once for "Si," and twice for "No." After being captured by a British commander, the dog was taught the same trick in English. He thereby became . . . the world's first "Si" and "Aye" dog!
SAY WHA? Non-subscriber Paul Charosh claims that a friend purchased a veterinarian Barbie doll which came in a cardboard vet's office featuring a sign announcing: "Your Pets Be Your Friends." She apparently became sufficiently distressed for her child's mind to contact Mattel Toys, where she was informed that the product was discontinued but no one had ever before brought this grammatically challenged phrase to their attention. The moral of the story? In this brave new world, "Your Pets Be Your Friends". Get used to it.
YOUR PETS BE YOUR FRIENDS Except for cats who gobble lots of table scraps, most felines are long and lean. So you don't have to be a Lewinsky to know that if you follow MISS KITTY'S MIRACLE DIET for just one week, you'll not only look and feel better, but will have a whole new outlook on what constitutes food. DAY ONE - Breakfast: Open can of expensive gourmet cat food (any flavor as long as it cost more than 75 per can) and place 1/4 cup on your plate. Eat one bite of food; look around room disdainfully. Knock the rest on the floor. Stare at the wall for a while before stalking off into another room. *Lunch: Four blades of grass and a lizard tail. Throw it back up on the cleanest carpet in your house. *Dinner: Catch a moth and play with it until it is almost dead. Eat one wing. Leave the rest to die. *Bedtime snack: Steal one green bean from your spouse's or partner's plate. Bat it around the floor until it goes under the refrigerator. Steal one small piece of chicken and eat half of it. Leave the other half on the sofa. (Throw out the remaining gourmet cat food from the can you opened this morning.) DAY TWO - Breakfast: Pick up the remaining chicken bite from the sofa. Knock it onto the carpet and bat it under the television set. Chew on a corner of the newspaper as your spouse/partner tries to read it. *Lunch: Break into the fresh French bread that you bought as your part of the Saturday dinner party. Lick the top of it all over. Take one bite out of the middle of the loaf. *Afternoon snack: Catch a large beetle and bring it into the house. Play toss and catch with it until it is mushy and half dead. Allow it to escape under the bed. *Dinner: Open a fresh can of dark-colored gourmet cat food -- tuna or beef works well. Eat it voraciously. Walk from your kitchen to the edge of the living room rug. Promptly throw up on the rug. Step into it as you leave and track footprints across the entire room. DAY THREE - Breakfast: Drink part of the milk from your spouse's or partner's cereal bowl when no one is looking. Splatter part of it on the closest polished aluminum appliance you can find. *Lunch: Catch a small bird and bring it into the house. Play with on top of your down-filled comforter. Make sure the bird is seriously injured but not dead before you abandon it for someone else to have to deal with. *Dinner: Beg and cry until you are given some ice cream or milk in a bowl of your own. Take three licks and overturn the bowl on the floor. FINAL DAY- Breakfast: Eat 6 bugs, any type, being sure to leave a collection of legs, wings, and antennae on the bathroom floor. Drink lots of water. Throw the bugs and all of the water up on your spouse's or partner's pillow. *Lunch: Remove the chicken skin from last night's chicken-to-go leftovers placed in the trash can. Drag the skin across the floor several times. Chew it in a corner and then abandon. *Dinner: Open another can of expensive gourmet cat food. Select a flavor that is especially runny, like Chicken and Giblets in Gravy. Lick off all the gravy and leave the actual meat to dry and get hard. (That's all there is to it! Go get 'em, tiger!)
"Gee, this'll make Beethoven!" - Walt Disney, touting the first "Fantasia"
ENGLISH BE A TRICKY TONGUE No time like the present to present the present. We must polish the Polish furniture! . They were too close to the door to close it. The dump was so full that it had to refuse more refuse. The soldier decided to desert in the desert. He could lead if he would get the lead out. The wind was too strong to wind the sail. There was a row among the oarsmen about how to row. A bass was painted on the head of the bass drum. They sent a sewer down to stitch the tear in the sewer line. The farm was used to produce produce. To help with planting, the farmer taught his sow to sow. The buck does funny things when the does are near, doesn't he? When shot at, the dove dove into the bushes. I did not object to the object. I had to subject the subject to a series of tests. After a number of injections my jaw got number. The insurance was invalid for the invalid. The bandage was wound around the wound. Upon seeing the tear in my clothes I shed a tear. How can I intimate this to my most intimate friend? (Forwarded by actor/director Marcia Rodd)
"Pretend you are building a table. Leave it up to the audience to eat at it, to examine it, or to chop it up for firewood." Producer/director/editor Sam Longoria quoting editor/director/painter/sound designer and film historian, Walter Murch on the art of cutting film.
WHAT THE FCUK? Garry Margolis sent me an article about French Connection U.K., a clothing store chain which was engaged in a fight over the domain name <fcuk.com: but a Limey judge declared the case "a charade", citing that "F.C.U.K." was "no more than a euphemism for the obscene expletive." What a closed minded prig. Fcuk him.
EXCITING PLACES TO LIVE IN 2000 Arsoli (Lazio, Italy) Muff (Northern Ireland) Bastard (Norway) Twatt (Shetland and Orkney, UK) Dildo (Newfoundland, Canada) Climax (Colorado, USA) Lickey End (West Midlands, UK) Shafter (California, USA) Intercourse (Pennsylvania, USA) Lord Berkeley's Knob (Sutherland, Scotland) Braithwaite Wife's Hole (Yorkshire) Seymen (Turkey) Stains (Near Paris, France) Shitlingthorpe (Yorkshire, UK) Turdo (Romania) Fukum (Yemen) Fukue (Honshu, Japan) Sexmoan (Luzon, Philippines) Wet Beaver Creek (Australia) Pis Pis River (Nicaragua) Tittybong (Australia) Dikshit (India)
MORE ABOUT BUGS "DOS Computers manufactured by companies such as IBM, Compaq, Tandy, and millions of others are by far the most popular, with about 70 million machines in use wordwide. Macintosh fans, on the other hand, may note that cockroaches are far more numerous than humans; and that numbers alone do not denote a higher life form." New York Times, 1991, from producer Larry Estes
WELL, I'M SHAKEN AND STIRRED After extensive hands on studies that are still ongoing and will certainly hang over into the next century, a Canadian scientific team has concluded in the British Medical Journal that shaken Martinis are more effective in deactivating hydrogen perioxide and had stronger antioxidant properties than the stirred variety. Of the two ingredients, gin and Vermouth, the latter contributes more to the antioxidant properties of the drink, but the two combined create the best effect. However they say that the reason for this is not clear. (Hic!) They also suggest that as James Bond does not suffer from heart disease or cataracts, he is apparently only a moderate drinker, although they admit they've not accounted for "the possible confounding effect of eating the olives served with his drink."
"Art is an escape from personality." - Thom Gunn quoting T.S. Eliot
AND SPEAKING OF OLIVES At Union Square in San Francisco, the Westin St. Francis Hotel filed plans to erect a seven-story high, blow-up Martini glass with a ten-foot olive sliding down a swizzle stick to usher in the New Year -- only to run into opposition from the Rev. Cecil Williams from the nearby (and aptly named) "Glide" memorial Church. "We are entirely respectful of the interfaith community," answered the hotel spokespeople," but we feel that the martini is an icon of today's world. I'll drink to that! At midnight... And "HAPPY 2000 T000 Y000!!!"
+++++++++++(12/31/99)++++++++++ * FIRESIGN SITE: www.firesigntheatre.com * FIRESIGN PRODUCT: www.lodestone-media.com * FUNNY TIMES: www.funnytimes.com
PLANET PROCTOR (C) 1999/2000 by Phil Proctor
Subject: Happy Holidays, Earth Ornament Date: Sat, 25 Dec 1999 09:57:01 -0800 From: Magic Mike Berger <mmb Organization: http://funandmagic.com/ To: you <you
Hi,
Happy Holidays everyone! Hopefully we will have peace on
Earth and goodwill to all men and women. Try it. Who knows. It might catch
on. Today's wallpaper pick are two because I have been lax getting to this
last few weeks. A wonderful shot of the Hubble as it is docked with the
Shuttle and a crescent Earth in the background, and an old photo from Apollo
8 of Earth, looking like a tree ornament. Go put it up at http://funandmagic.com/photolinks2.htm
. I posted a bunch of new recipes and I will be adding a lot of new things
to the Inspiration page. Stop by.
Have a magic day. Pass this on, as is, if you can.Magic Mike http://funandmagic.com/
Lisa was talking about baby sitting 3-year-old Dominique. Dominique was reading a magazine when she piped up with, "I DON'T LIKE this damned magazine." She was told, "Dominique, that's not polite." So she said there for a moment and said, "Ok, I LIKE this damned magazine."
Brenda's 6 year old was explaining to the other kids what "extinct" meant: "Well," she said in all seriousness, "it means that the dinosaurs are all dead and we can't smell them anymore."
Eric said his company sometimes abbreviates the shipping address of their customers in the computer. The Assembly Of God Church wasn't amused when the label on their box displayed, "Ass Of God Church".
-=-=--=---=----
An eminent psychologist was called to testify in court. A severe no nonsense professional, she sat down in the witness chair unaware that it's rear legs were set precariously on the back of the raised platform.
"Will you please state your name?" asked the district attorney.
Tilting back in her chair she opened her mouth to answer, but instead catapulted head-over-heels backward and landed in a stack of exhibits and recording equipment.
Everyone watched in stunned silence as she extricated herself, rearranged her disheveled dress and hair and was reseated on the witness stand. The glare she directed at onlookers dared anyone to so much as smirk.
"Well, doctor," continued the district attorney without changing expression, "we could start with an easier question."
=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-= There once was a rich man who was near death. He was very grieved because he had worked so hard for his money and he wanted to be able to take it with him to heaven. So he began to pray that he might be able to take some of his wealth with him.
An angel hears his plea and appears to him. "Sorry, but you can't take your wealth with you." The man implores the angel to speak to God to see if He might bend the rules.
The man continues to pray that his wealth could follow him. The angel reappears and informs the man that God has decided to allow him to take one suitcase with him. Overjoyed, the man gathers his largest suitcase and fills it with pure gold bars and places it beside his bed.
Soon afterward the man dies and shows up at the Gates of Heaven to greet St. Peter. St. Peter seeing the suitcase says, "Hold on, you can't bring that in here!"
But the man explains to St. Peter that he has permission and asks him to verify his story with the Lord. Sure enough, St. Peter checks and comes back saying, "You're right. You are allowed one carry-on bag, but I'm supposed to check its contents before letting it through."
St. Peter opens the suitcase to inspect the worldly items that the man found too precious to leave behind and exclaims, "You brought pavement?!!!"
-=-=-=-=-=--=-=
The Michaels family owned a small farm in Canada, just yards away from the North Dakota border. Their land had been the subject of a minor dispute between the United States and Canada for generations. Mrs. Michaels, who had just celebrated her ninetieth birthday, lived on the farm with her son and three grandchildren.
One day, her son came into her room holding a letter. "I just got some news, Mom," he said. "The government has come to an agreement with the people in Washington. They've decided that our land is really part of the United States. We have the right to approve or disapprove of the agreement. What do you think?"
"What do I think?" his mother said. "Jump at it! Call them right now and tell them we accept! I don't think I could stand another one of those Canadian winters!"
--=-=-=--=-=-=---=
Some time ago, I was taking a ground school class for private pilots. During the sessions on weather, the instructor wanted to discuss the concept of sublimation--the act of going from a gas to a solid skipping the intermediate stage(s). e.g., frost-- water vapor in the air becoming a solid on surfaces without first going through the liquid stage.
Wanting to see if the class had understood the concept, the instructor asked if anyone could provide an example of something that went straight from a solid to a gas (expecting "dry ice'' as the answer), a previously unknown section of my mind took control of my mouth and immediately emitted the word "burrito".
It took the instructor about 10 minutes to regain an academic composure.
-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=
NEW WAYS TO GET RID OF PHONE SOLICITORS by Bill Hall, Lewiston, Idaho Tribune, July 15, 1992
Thirty-two bizarre things to say to a telephone solicitor to get him to hang up and leave you alone:
1. You'll have to excuse me now, my armpit is on fire.
2. I'm sorry, but this phone is for personal calls only. The boss won't let us use it for business.
3. Have you heard about that study showing that it can cause impotence to sit all day with a telephone wire near your head?
4. I have an emergency here. The hamster has fallen in the cat dish and knows only the backstroke. I don't know how much longer he can stay afloat.
5. I'm sorry, but this household has been assigned to goons from the Idaho Mafia for telephone ripoffs. If they catch anybody working their territory, they will do strange and painful things to him with a potato.
6. Did you know that there is no "e" on the end of the words "potato" and "Mafia"?
7. I'm too tired to talk to you any longer. I'm exhausted from replacing the last gross of lifetime light bulbs you sold me.
8. When I tell the Idaho Mafia about this call, you're going to last about as long as one of your light bulbs.
9. If I drive the 150 miles to hear your time-share condominium pitch, will you give me a tire pump to inflate my free six-man sport fishing boat? Or can I just use your mouth?
10. If your mother doesn't stop chasing cars she's going to get hurt.
11. I am truly sorry but the moon is in the seventh house of Pluto and my astrologer would just die if he knew I was talking to a salesman during this p articular century.
12. How do I know you truly are a handicapped veteran of the Spanish American War?
13. I will remind you that this is a Wednesday and the laws of this state are very strict about that.
14. I'm sorry but I fell off the ladder this morning while doing my daily changing of your lifetime light bulbs and I am in too much pain to talk.
15. The State Tax Commission does require me to ask you for your official identification number as a Certified Public Fast Talker.
16. Have you ever heard of telephone fungus?
17. The ordinances of this city preclude my deviating from the premises of preordained driffle.
18. It is a felony is some states to make telephone calls without knowing the meaning of the word "driffle."
19. Does Ross Perot know you are making this call?
20. You'll have to excuse me now. I seem to have dropped my bowling ball on Uncle Chester.
21. The dinner hour is not set aside for sales, unless you have prior permission from the State Department of Suckers.
22. Have you ever thought of trying your luck at selling door to door in Beirut?
23. God bless you for calling me away from the dinner table. We're having liver and okra.
24. By all means, I want your light bulbs. Send me 500 cases. My psychiatrist, my parole officer and my bankruptcy lawyer don't really mind if I buy some.
25. No, I don't want any light bulbs, but could I interest you in a set of fluorescent tubes?
26. Would you like to meet my sister, who doesn't get real angry any more?
27. Are you from Seattle like the other slugs?
28. God told me not to buy anything over the phone.
29. I'm sorry but the management will not permit us to use this telephone for any calls except from human beings.
30. Do you like beets?
31. Would you be interested in buying a drowned hamster for dinner?
32. This isn't a recording. This isn't a recording. This isn't a recording. This isn't a recording.
****************************** ******************
***
Submitted by Confusakat
Things that are just NEVER said in Theatre:
... It looks as though there'll be time for a third dress rehearsal. ... Take your time getting back from break. ... We've been ready for hours. ... No, I called that perfectly the first time -- let's move on. ... The headsets are working perfectly. ... The cue lights are working perfectly. ... The orchestra has no complaints. ... The whole company is standing by whenever you want them. ... That didn't take long. ... No thanks, I don't drink.
BY THE PRODUCER:
... Of course there's enough money to go around. ... We have money left over. ... No thanks, I don't drink.
BY THE DIRECTOR:
... Wow, the designers were right on, weren't they? ... No, today is the tech rehearsal, we'll rework that scene later. ... I think the scene changes are too fast. ... Of course I think that we'll be ready in time for opening. ... The crew? Why they're just wonderful! ... No thanks, I don't drink.
BY THE DESIGNERS:
... Of course all of my drawings were turned in on time. ... Yes, it absolutely is my fault that the set looks awful. ... You know, you might have a point there. ... The director knows best, obviously I wasn't giving him what he wants. ... We have too many gel colors in stock, I can't choose. ... Of course the shop will have the costumes ready on time. ... No thanks, I don't drink.
BY THE TD:
... This is the most complete and informative set of drawings I've ever seen ... We built it right the first time. ... No problem, I'll deal with that right away. ... I love designers. ... No thanks, I don't drink.
BY THE ACTOR: ... Don't... Let's not talk about me. ... I really think my big scene should be cut. ... This costume is SO comfortable. ... I love my shoes. ... No problem. I can do that for myself. ... I have a fantastic agent. ... Let me stand down here with my back to the audience. ... I'm sure someone told me there was a wall here, I just forgot. ... Without the crew the show would never run -- let's thank them. ... No thanks, I don't drink.
BY THE STAGE CREW:
... That instrument is not in the way. ... There's room for that over here. ... We'll get in early tomorrow to do it. ... No, no. I'm sure that is our job. ... Anything I can do to help? ... All the tools are carefully locked away. ... Can we do that scene change again please? ... It's a marvelous show. ... I don't need this many on the crew. ... No thanks, I don't drink.
****************************** ******************
***
Please accept with no obligation, implied or implicit, my best wishes
for an environmentally conscious, socially responsible, low stress,
non-addictive, gender neutral, celebration of the winter solstice
holiday, practiced within the most enjoyable traditions of the religious
persuasion of your choice, or secular practices of your choice, with
respect for the religious/secular persuasions and/or traditions of
others, or their choice not to practice religious or secular traditions
at all.... And a fiscally successful, personally fulfilling, and
medically uncomplicated recognition of the onset of the generally
accepted calendar year 2000, but not without due respect for the
calendars of choice of other cultures whose contributions to society
have helped make America great, (not to imply that America is
necessarily greater than any other country or is the only "AMERICA" in
the western hemisphere), and without regard to the race, creed, color,
age, physical ability, religious faith, choice of computer platform, or
sexual preference of the wishee.
(This greeting is subject to clarification or withdrawal. It is freely
transferable with no alteration to the original greeting. It implies no
promise by the wisher to actually implement any of the wishes for
her/himself or others, and is void where prohibited by law, and is
revocable at the sole discretion of the wisher. This wish is warranted
to perform as expected within the usual application of good tidings for
a period of one year, or until the issuance of a subsequent holiday
greeting, whichever comes first, and warranty is limited to replacement
of this wish or issuance of a new wish at the sole discretion of the
wisher.) -- Have a magic day and pass it on. Magic Mike
.- - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - -
----------------
Are YOU REMEMBERING to FEED THE HUNGRY? All you do is click a button and somewhere in the world some hungry person gets a meal at no cost to you. http://www.thehungersite.com Corporate sponsors pay for the food, like a cyberwalk for hunger. Go EVERY DAY PLEASE! GO RIGHT NOW, and pass the word to others. Thanks, Magic Mike http://funandmagic.com/
Subject: Quips, eyechart, Planet proctor Date: Mon, 20 Dec 1999 22:29:35 -0800 From: Magic Mike Berger <mmb Organization: http://funandmagic.com/ parlor.htm To: you <you
Hi, See some nice SW USA stuff from the Canyonlands. http://funandmagic.com/photolinks2.htm
I have some new recipes and stuff, but the big news is the new 3 cent a
minute prepaid phone card now on my long distance site. http://ld.net/?phon4less
There is a eyechart on the cartoon page that is a riot. http://funandmagic.com/BestCartoonOfTheDay.html
Here is a Planet Proctor for your year's end. See you on the other side
of Midnight, Phil!
Have a magic day and pass it on in it's entirety.Magic Mike http://funandmagic.com/
The following were actually taken from classified ads in
newspapers:
FREE YORKSHIRE TERRIER. 8 YEARS OLD. HATEFUL LITTLE DOG..- - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - -
--------------- FREE PUPPIES: 1/2 COCKER SPANIEL - 1/2 SNEAKY NEIGHBOR'S DOG
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----------- FREE PUPPIES...PART GERMAN SHEPHERD - PART STUPID DOG
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----------- GERMAN SHEPHERD 85 lbs. NEUTERED. SPEAKS GERMAN. FREE.
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------------------ FOUND: DIRTY WHITE DOG. LOOKS LIKE A RAT... BEEN OUT AWHILE.. BETTER BE REWARD.
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---------------- 1 MAN, 7 WOMAN HOT TUB -- $850/offer.- - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - -
--------- AMANA WASHER $100. OWNED BY CLEAN BACHELOR WHO SELDOM WASHED.
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----------- SNOW BLOWER FOR SALE... ONLY USED ON SNOWY DAYS.
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------------ 2 WIRE MESH BUTCHERING GLOVES: 1 5-finger, 1 3-finger, PAIR: $15
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----------- TICKLE ME ELMO, STILL IN BOX, COMES WITH ITS OWN 1988 MUSTANG, 5L, AUTO, EXCELLENT CONDITION $6800
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----------- COWS, CALVES NEVER BRED... ALSO 1 GAY BULL FOR SALE.
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------------- 83 TOYOTA HUNCHBACK -- $2000
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-------------- STAR WARS JOB OF THE HUT -- $15
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-------------- SOFT & GENITAL BATH TISSUES OR FACIAL TISSUE 89 cents
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---------------- FULL SIZED MATTRESS. 20 YR. WARRANTY. LIKE NEW. SLIGHT URINE SMELL.
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---------------- FREE 1 CAN OF PORK & BEANS WITH PURCHASE OF 3 BR 2 BATH HOME.
.- - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - -
--------------- FOR SALE: LEE MAJORS (6 MILLION DOLLAR MAN) - $50
.- - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - -
---------------- NORDIC TRACK $300 HARDLY USED, CALL CHUBBIE
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------------------ BILL'S SEPTIC CLEANING "WE HAUL AMERICAN MADE PRODUCTS"
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SHAKESPEARE'S PIZZA - FREE CHOPSTICKS
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HUMMELS - LARGEST SELECTION EVER "IF IT'S IN STOCK, WE HAVE IT!".- - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - -
.- - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - -
- GET A LITTLE JOHN: THE TRAVELING URINAL HOLDS 2 1/2 BOTTLES OF BEER.
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----- HARRISBURG POSTAL EMPLOYEES GUN CLUB
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--- GEORGIA PEACHES CALIFORNIA GROWN - 89 cents lb.
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---- NICE PARACHUTE: NEVER OPENED - USED ONCE SLIGHTLY STAINED
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---- AMERICAN FLAG 60 STARS - POLE INCLUDED $100
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----- TIRED OF WORKING FOR ONLY $9.75 PER HOUR? WE OFFER PROFIT SHARING AND FLEXIBLE HOURS. STARTING PAY: $7 - $9 PER HOUR.
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------- EXERCISE EQUIPMENT: QUEEN SIZE MATTRESS & BOX SPRINGS -$175.
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------- OUR SOFA SEATS THE WHOLE MOB AND IT'S MADE OF 100% ITALIAN LEATHER.
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--------- JOINING NUDIST COLONY! MUST SELL WASHER & DRYER $300.
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-------- LAWYER SAYS CLIENT IS NOT THAT GUILTY.
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------- ALZHEIMER'S CENTER PREPARES FOR AN AFFAIR TO REMEMBER
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------ GAS CLOUD CLEARS OUT TACO BELL.
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--------------- OPEN HOUSE BODY SHAPERS TONING SALON FREE COFFEE & DONUTS
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KELLOGG'S POT TARTS - $1.99 box
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----- ---- FULLY COOKED BONELESS SMOKED MAN - $2.09 lb.
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- FOR SALE BY OWNER Complete set of Encyclopedia Britannica. 45 volumes. Excellent condition. $1,000.00 or best offer. No longer needed. Got married last weekend. Wife knows everything.
=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=--=-
QUIPS & QUOTES
Mike Hayes said he saw the following sign at Needles Liquor Store: "Beer Colder Than Your Ex-Wife's Heart"
Humor can be an incredible, lacerating and effective weapon. --Carl Hiaasen
A computer and a cat are somewhat alike -- they both purr, and like to be stroked, and spend a lot of the day motionless. They also have secrets they don't necessarily share. --John Updike
We have two regulatory systems: legal and etiquette. The legal system prevents us from killing each other. The etiquette system prevents us from driving each other crazy. --Judith Martin
Par is whatever I say it is. I've got one hole that's par 23, and yesterday I damn near birdied the sucker. --Willie Nelson
The aging rock group the Rolling Stones is again touring the United States. "Each show will include three encores," remarks Conan O'Brien, "and two naps."
I once thought that if I had all the money in the world, I would give some to my friends, but that would be pretty stupid, because then I wouldn't have all the money in the world anymore. --Sheryl Adsit
A plan so cunning, you could stick a tail on it and call it a weasel. --Adam Khan
A hotel so old, the Bibles were first editions. --Robert Orben
He's a gross Ignoramus -- 144 times worse than an ordinary ignoramus. --Bill Bunch
She's sexy but not very bright -- a real foxy-moron. --Ellis Stewart
He's an inept crook; he always robs people the wrong way. --Frank Tyger
Isn't it wonderful to live in a country where anyone can grow up to sleep with the President? --Kevin Freels
My wife says I'm not ambitious enough. I suppose I could find someone more supportive, but why bother? --Jim Rosenberg
On this joyous festival of Passover: My People sometimes say, "l'shana habah b'Yerushalayim," which means, "next year, may we celebrate in Jerusalem" -- though a few days in Paris wouldn't be such a terrible thing, either. --Barry Surman
In three words I can sum up everything I've learned about life: It goes on." --Robert Frost
If we could live forever, I would not live forever, because we should not live forever, because if we were supposed to live forever, then we would live forever, but we cannot live forever, which is why I would not live forever. --Contestant in the 1994 Miss Universe contest.
A sign on the side of a truck belonging to Ellis Electrical Repair Service: When you can't find your shorts -- call Ellis.
If Otis Redding was sittin' by the dock of the bay, he could have helped out with the boats or gotten a job in one of the gift shops instead of just wasting time. That's what's wrong with America. --Jim Rosenberg
There is a theory which states that if ever anybody discovers exactly what the Universe is for and why it is here, it will instantly disappear and be replaced by something even more bizarre and inexplicable. There is another theory which states this has already happened. --Douglas Adams
I used to think the human brain was the most fascinating part of the body. But then I realized, Well... Look what's telling me that! --Emo Phillips
****************************** ******************
***
THE CASE OF THE CREEPING CAT
I was lying on the couch, grooming my left rear leg. Bars of light slanted across the room through the venetian blinds. I woulda had a bottle of hooch and a glass handy, but the Humans put the vodka in the freezer. Too high for me to reach, damn the luck. Business had been thin lately. I was just thinking about jumping up on the windowsill to check out the action on the birdfeeder next door when the phone rang.
I ran to the bedroom RUN RUN RUN SKID POUNCE! and knocked the phone off the cradle. "Mrrroww?" I said. My tail curled into a question mark. Silence. Then I heard something - distant purring? I mewed plaintively, just in case. Click, then the dial tone. Damn. The second time today. Someone was playing cat and mouse. I gradually coaxed the handset back in place. Man, that thing is heavy. I ran crazily around the apartment several times, just for luck, and... oops, time for food. The case would have to wait.
Back on the couch, I licked myself all over and pondered. There was something fishy about those phone calls -- I could smell it. My claws extended involuntarily, and I kneaded the upholstery for a while. Hmm. Patches was doing time in San Quentin, but maybe one of her torpedoes was prowling around. Or who knows -- maybe those damn tomcats from Miss Puff's gang wanted revenge. I'd made a lot of enemies in my career.
Suddenly there was a flash of movement at the other window. My ears pricked up. GO GO GO adjust my back feet for traction POUNCE onto the end table! Crash! Aw nuts, didn't see that beer bottle. I stared out at the ratty calico with the notched ear on the outside sill. Her ears went back, and she hissed. This kind of trouble I didn't need. I locked my stare on to her, bristling slightly, until she looked away. Oh yeah, lick your paw like nothing just happened, I thought.
She gave me a low growl. "Stay away from the big tree at the edge of the parking lot, get me?" she gritted. "That's my territory. I chase the squirrels down there, see, and I don't need any two-bit gumshoe horning in on the action."
Something clicked. Yeah, I'd seen her before. Used to be a B-girl down at the Kit Kat Club. Rap sheet twice the length of my tail. I hear her Human calls her Snuggykins now, but I'd seen her yowling and dragging her butt down the gutter plenty of times when she was in heat in the old days.
I combed my whiskers with my paw. "Quit pussyfooting around," I said. "We both know you didn't come here to talk about squirrels. Give."
She gave me an innocent look. "Don't they say curiosity killed the cat?" she purred. I felt my tail switching back and forth in irritation. "They say a lot of things," I growled back. I woulda slugged her, if the screen hadn't been in the way.
She looked around. "This is strictly on the Q.T.," she whispered, "but I hear Pumpkin and Sheba are gettin' kinda tired of you prowling around their operation. Keep your paws outta their cat dish, OK? Be a shame if some kind of *accident* knocked off a couple of your lives. I hear you're down to five or so."
Just then, we heard a car turning into the parking lot. She stiffened, then jumped down and crept around the corner of the building. I raked the screen with my claws in frustration. The car pulled up and stopped. Could it...? I mewed. Yes! My Humans! They were home! Meow meow meow! I heard a key in the door, and ran over. All RIGHT! Cat toy! Cat toy! Make it MOVE! Food food food KITTY TREATS KITTY TREATS! "Hi, Franny," my smaller Human said. "How was your day?"
She picked me up. Man, I HATE that. Let me down! Mew! Cat toy, no hugs! Cat toy! CAT TOY! She stroked my head. My larger Human looked over and saw the broken glass under the table by the window. "Sheesh, Franny," he said. "Did you do that?" Aw, hell. I arched my back slightly and relaxed. Purr purr purr. Beer bottle? Little old me? Somebody *else* did *that*. Look how cute I am. Oh yeah, scratch under my jaw. Oh baby.
Later, when they were in bed watching TV, I saw something moving under the blanket. SMALL ANIMAL! POUNCE? But wait. Every time I attack, it stops moving. Maybe it's just the small Human's hand, like it was the last forty-seven times. But what if it's really a SMALL ANIMAL? No. Maybe it is. Maybe it IS! Tense tense TENSE TENSE wiggle butt POUNCE!
D'oh! It was her hand again. I turned away and started licking my paw. Didn't fool me, nuh-uh. I curled up on the blanket. I'd solve the Case of the Creeping Cat tomorrow. Big yawn. Purr purr purr.
****************************** ******************
***
CATTING AROUND
A New Jersey resident was surprised to read the "patient counseling" instructions a local pharmacist typed onto a recent prescription for her cat. It warned... "Do not mix with alcohol. Use caution when driving or operating machinery." The cat's owner stated, "We had no idea what the cat was up to when he felt good!"
****************************** ******************
***
NOW CATS CAN CHASE LASER MICE
The latest idea for lazy Americans is to exercise your cat with a laser mouse. No longer will you need to throw a ball of string or tempt the flabby feline with a squeaky toy. Just push a button and let modern technology do the rest, as the playful pussy goes mad over the mouse's image. Before long they'll invent a laser cat to chase the laser mouse and then you won't even need to get up and feed it.
The Weekly Global, January 24, 1998
=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=--=
Subject: PP 99 - 25 Date: Tue, 21 Dec 1999 00:43:15 -0500 From: phil proctor <PProctor@compuserve.com To: "A.A.A 3" <pproctor@compuserve.com
(((((((((((((((PLANET PROCTOR 99 - 25 http://www.planetproctor.com
"Do you know what would have happened if it had been Three Wise Women instead of Three Wise Men? They would have asked directions, arrived on time, helped deliver the baby, cleaned the stable made a casserole, and, brought practical gifts." - Phil's Funny Facts
HAVE A HAPPY PLANET PROCTOR! I'm off to points East for theatre and grog, And to see my dear Kristin, in Chekov's "Ivanov." We return end of month but Firesign did contrive To put me (New Year's morn) onto KPFK live -- There, we'll broadcast a show to play o'er your TV, If you watch "T'Rose Parade" and hit mute, then you'll see The true story of Two Thousand and the years that will come; And at last, when we're finished, I'll bet you'll be numb. But I still haven't packed and don't have time for much fun, So accept this poor poem and thanks, now I am done...
A P.C. (PERSONAL COMMENT) Please accept with no obligation, implied or implicit my best wishes for an environmentally conscious, socially responsible, low stress, non-addictive, gender neutral, celebration of the winter solstice holiday, practiced within the most enjoyable traditions of the religious persuasion of your choice, or secular practices of your choice, with respect for the religious/secular persuasions and/or traditions of others, or their choice not to practice religious or secular traditions at all . . . and a fiscally successful, personally fulfilling, and medically uncomplicated recognition of the onset of the generally accepted calendar year 2000, but not without due respect for the calendars of choice of other cultures whose contributions to society have helped make America great, (not to imply that America is necessarily greater than any other country or is the only "AMERICA" in the western hemisphere), and without regard to the race, creed, color, age, physical ability, religious faith, choice of computer platform, or sexual preference of the wishee. NOTE: By accepting this greeting, you are accepting these terms. This greeting is subject to clarification or withdrawal. It is freely transferable with no alteration to the original greeting. It implies no promise by the wisher to actually implement any of the wishes for her/himself or others, and is void where prohibited by law, and is revocable at the sole discretion of the wisher. This wish is warranted to perform as expected within the usual application of good tidings for a period of one year, or until the issuance of a subsequent holiday greeting, whichever comes first, and warranty is limited to replacement of this wish or issuance of a new wish at the sole discretion of the wisher. (From, but not by, Edgar Bullington)
HAVE YOURSELF A P.C. CHRISTMAS 'Twas the night before Christmas, when all through the house Not a creature was stirring, except Papa's mouse. The computer was humming, the icons were hopping, As Papa did last-minute Internet shopping. The stockings were hung by the modem with care In hope that St. Nicholas would bring new software. The children were nestled all snug in their beds, While visions of computer games danced in their heads. PageMaker for Billy, and Quicken for Dan, And Carmen Sandiego for Pamela Ann. The letters to Santa had been sent out by Mom, To santaclaus@toyshop.northpole.com Which has now been re-routed to Washington State Because Santa's workshop has been bought by Bill Gates. All the elves and reindeer have had to skedaddle To flashy new quarters in suburban Seattle. (Billville?) After centuries of a life that was simple and spare, St. Nicholas is suddenly a new billionaire, With a shiny red Porsche in the place of his sleigh, And a house on Lake Washington that's just down the way From where Bill has his mansion. The old fellow preens In black Gucci boots and red Calvin Klein jeans. The elves have stock options and desks with a view, Where they write computer code for Johnny and Sue. No more dolls or tin soldiers or little toy drums Will be under the tree, only compact disk ROMS With the Microsoft label. So spin up your drive, From now on Christmas runs only on Win95. More rapid than eagles the competitors came, And Bill whistled, and shouted, and called them by name. "Now, ADOBE! now, CLARIS! now, INTUIT! too, Now, APPLE! and NETSCAPE! you are all of you through, It is Microsoft's SANTA that the kids can't resist, It's the ultimate software with a traditional twist - Recommended by no less than the jolly old elf, And on the package, a picture of Santa himself. Get 'em young, keep 'em long, is Microsoft's scheme, And a merger with Santa is a marketer's dream. To the top of the NASDAQ! to the top of the Dow! Now dash away! dash away! dash away - wow!" And Mama in her 'kerchief and I in my cap, Had just settled down for a long winter's nap, When out on the lawn there arose such a clatter, The whir and the hum of our satellite platter, As it turned toward that new Christmas star in the sky, The SANTALITE owned by the Microsoft guy. As I sprang from my bed and was turning around, My computer turned on with a Jingle-Bells sound. And there on the screen was a smiling Bill Gates Next to jolly old Santa, two arm-in-arm mates. And I heard them exclaim in voices so bright, Have a Microsoft Christmas, and to all a good night!
MORE MERRY MIXUPS Slot Machines Cash Lost in 'em Animosity Is No Amity Mother-in-law Woman Hitler Snooze Alarms Alas! No More Z's Alec Guinness Genuine Class Semolina Is No Meal The Public Art Galleries Large Picture Halls, I Bet A Decimal Point I'm a Dot in Place The Earthquakes That Queer Shake Eleven plus two Twelve plus one Contradiction Accord not in it
IT'S A BOW-WOW WONDERLAND Dogs tags ring, are you listening'? In the lane, snow is glistening'. It's yellow, NOT white - I've been there tonight, Marking up my winter wonderland. Smell that tree? That's my fragrance. It's a sign for wand'ring vagrants; "Avoid where I pee, it's MY property! Marked up as my winter wonderland." In the meadow dad will build a snowman, following the classical design. Then I'll lift my leg and let it go Man, So all the world will know it's mine-mine-mine! Straight from me to the fencepost, flows my natural incense boast; "Stay off of my TURF, this small piece of earth, I mark it as my winter wonderland. (From Spot)
YO! YO! YO! Twas the night before Christmas, da whole house was mella, Not a creature was stirrin', cuz I had a gun unda da pilla. When up on da roof I heard somethin' pound, I sprung to da window, to scream, "YO! Keep it down!" When what to my wanderin' eyes should appear, But da Don of all elfs, and eight friggin' reindeer! Wit' slicked back black hair, and a silk red suit, Don Christopher wuz here, and he brought all da loot! Wit' a slap to dare snouts, and a yank on dare manes, He cursed and he shouted, and he called dem by name. "Yo Tony, Yo Frankie, Yo Vinny, Yo Vito, Ay Joey, Ay Paulie, Ay Pepe, Ay Guido!" As I drew out my gun and hid by da bed, He flew troo da winda and slapped me 'side da head. "What da hell you doin' pullin' a gun on da Don? Now all you're gettin' is coal, you friggin' moron!" Den pointin' a fat finga right unda my nose, He twisted his pinky ring, and up da chimney he rose. He sprang to his sleigh, obscenities screamin', Away dey all flew, before he troo dem a beatin'. Den I heard him yell out, what I did least expect, "Merry Friggin' Christmas to all, And yous better show some respect!"
Q, WHERE ARE YOU? Thespian Desmond Llewelyn, most famous for his long-playing role as "Q" in the eternal James Bond film series, died yesterday in a head-on collision in Great Britain as he was driving home from a book-signing of his "auto"-biography. Guess he wasn't driving in a Bond car, or he would have ejected. We will miss him, but John Cleese will have to do.
A PRESENT FOR PROCTOR? Yes. Please refrain from sending me any email until I return on the twenty-ninth. When I go off on a personal trip, I am officially "off the beeper" and that means off line and off center as well. I hope you've enjoyed this fourth year of the Planet, and if you ever want to "stop it and get off", just let me know and I'll gladly oblige. I do try to be original but this is also a spot for the best of spam, and though I try to add new flavors to old recipes, I realize that some of you may have already tasted the dish and want to try something new. Have a Merry Whatever -- And I'll see you in the year 2000, or something like it.
+++++++++++(12/20/99)++++++++++ * FIRESIGN SITE: www.firesigntheatre.com * FIRESIGN PRODUCT: www.lodestone-media.com * FUNNY TIMES: www.funnytimes.com
PLANET PROCTOR (C) 1999 by Phil Proctor
-- Have a magic day and pass it on. Magic Mike parlor.htm Are YOU REMEMBERING to FEED THE HUNGRY? All you do is click a button and somewhere in the world some hungry person gets a meal at no cost to you. THE FOOD IS PAID FOR BY CORPORATE SPONSORS. Go EVERY DAY PLEASE! GO RIGHT NOW and pass the word. http://www.thehungersite.com .
Subject: Birthday Date: Thu, 16 Dec 1999 20:35:13 -0800 From: Magic Mike Berger <mmb Organization: http://funandmagic.com/ parlor.htm To: you <you
Hi, I am celebrating my 52 birthday tomorrow, December
17th. I also share my birthday with Bear, Marie, and one of my favorite
sci-fi authors, Jack Chalker. (Jack wrote "Wellworld" and is
a recipient of this mailer. Hi Jack!)
My pal Peter Proctor wrote:
Subject: Happy Magic Birthday!!! From: phil proctor <PProctor@compuserve.com
To: Magic Mike Berger <mmb
BORN THIS DAY December 17th: Erwin Piscator 1893 Arthur Fiedler 1894 Erskine Caldwell 1903 Tommy Steele 1936 Paul Butterfield 1942 MAGIC MIKE 1947
HAPPENED THIS DAY: 1791-First one-way street designated
in America in New York. 1819-Simon Bolvar becomes President of newly formed
Republic of Columbia. 1903-Orville Wright makes four flights in first plane
at Kitty Hawk, North Carolina; longest is 850 feet. 1933-Chicago Bears
defeat NY Giants in first professional world championship football game.
1999: Firesign Theatre promotes "Boom Dot Bust" on CNN! Tomorrow
night on CNN, see The Firesign Theatre interview with Dennis Michael at
the "Boom DotBust" photo shoot in Hollywood a few weeks ago,
will be broadcast on "Showbiz Today", Friday at 1:30 pm and midnite.
See a wonderful sunset photo of SW USA at the photolinks site. There are
over 600 photos. ~magicmb/photolinks2.htm .
A ton of recipes and new inspiration additions are on the site.Have a magic day and pass it on.
Magic Mike parlor.htm Ole, Sven and the FBI
The phone rings at FBI headquarters. "Hello?" "My name is Sven and I'm calling to report my neighbor Ole Olson. He is hiding marijuana inside his firewood." "Thank you very much for the call sir, we'll look into it."
The next day FBI agents descend on Ole's house. They search the shed where the firewood is kept. Using axes, they bust open every piece of wood, but find no marijuana. They apologize to Olson and leave.
Later that evening, the phone rings at Ole's house. "Hey, Ole, this is Sven, did the FBI come?" "Ya!" "Did they chop your firewood?" "Ya sure." "Good, now it's your turn to call. I need my garden plowed."
--=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=
One reason the Services have trouble operating jointly is that they don't speak the same language.
For example, if you told Navy personnel to "secure a building," they would turn off the lights and lock the doors.
Army personnel would occupy the building so no one could enter.
Marines would assault the building, capture it, and defend it with suppressive fire and close combat.
The Air Force, on the other hand, would take out a three-year lease with an option to buy.
-=---=-=
One day a man took the train from Paris to Frankfurt. When he got in he said to the ticket man:
"Sir. I really need you to do me a favor, I have to get down this train in Mannheim, but I'm very tired and it is for sure that I will fall asleep. So what I want you to do is that you wake me up in Mannheim because I have to close a bushiness there and it is very important for me. Here you have 100 francs for the favor. But I warn you sometimes when people wake me up I get really violent, but no matters what I do or say you got to get me out of this train in Mannheim. Is that clear?"
So the ticket man agreed and took the 100 francs. Later as the man had said he fall asleep, and when he woke up he realized that he was in Frankfurt. He was so mad at the ticket man that he ran over and started yelling at the ticket man.
"Are you STUPID or something??? I paid you 100 francs so that you wake me up in Mannheim. And you didn't!! I want my money back you $%^@$!"
While the man was yelling at the ticket guy, two other guys that were also in the train were looking at them, so one turns to the other and says to him:
Guy1, "Look at this guy he is ticked off!"
Guy2, "Yeah, almost as mad as the guy they made get out of the train in Mannheim."
-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-==-=
Judi was bored with driving her BMW. It laced individuality and besides that, every other girl in the office had one. She fancied something a bit more individual, perhaps an MG convertible.
That week she visited her local car dealer and spied a beautiful Jaguar XK140 convertible. It was wonderfully restored and she fell in love with its gorgeous red paint work. An empty check stub later and off she was tearing down the leafy country lanes enjoying her beautiful new car. Her long blonde hair was flowing in the wind, music blaring from the radio, what could possibly go wrong?
At that thought there was a splutter from the engine and the car slowly coasted to a stop. She got out and lifted the bonnet and concluded after a few minutes that she didn't have a bloody clue what was wrong. Luckily she had her mobile phone with her and a quick phone call to the AutoClub and a short wait saw a bright shiny yellow van pull up behind her.
"That's a lovely car," said the mechanic. "What seems to be the matter?
Judi replied, "Well, it just conked out I'm afraid."
"Let me have look." He set to work and ten minutes later the engine was purring like a cat again.
"Thank goodness," she said. "What was the matter?"
"Simple really, just crap in the carburetor," he replied.
Looking shocked she asked, "Oh. How many times a week do I have to do that?"
--=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=
The other day I was at a family reunion and I met this really awesome girl who was not related to me. We got to know each other and became pretty good friends. Later on that day though I was thinking about her and something popped into my head. What if her and I were to get married one of these days?
But then something else popped into my head. If we did get married, you know there is always going to be someone who is going to ask you where you met.
We would just say, "Oh, we met at a family reunion!" And then you see the person who asked the question's eyes pop out of their head!
--=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-
A stewardess approached a gentleman who was voicing his complains rather loudly.
"Yes, Sir?"
"I want to complain about this airline. Every time I fly, I get the same seat, I can't see the in-flight movie, and there are no window blinds so I can't sleep."
"Captain, shut up and land the plane."
-=-=--=-=-=-=-=
Three paramedics were boasting about improvements in their respective ambulance team's response times.
"Since we installed our new satellite navigation system," bragged the first one, "we cut our emergency response time by ten percent."
The other paramedics nodded in approval.
"Not bad,"
the second paramedic commented.
"But by using a computer model of traffic patterns, we've cut our average ERT by 20 percent."
Again, the other team members gave their congratulations, until the third paramedic said,
"That's nothing! Since our ambulance driver passed the bar exam, we've cut our emergency response time in half!"
-=-=-=-=-=-=-=--=-=-=--=-
Q: Why won't they hire a Blondes as pharmacists? A: They keep breaking the prescription bottles in the typewriters.
****************************** ******************
***
Q: Did you hear about the 2 Blondes who were found frozen to death in their car at a drive-in movie theater? A: They went to see "Closed for the Winter".
****************************** ******************
***
WORD GAMES
Solve the puzzles by saying them out loud, over and over, faster and faster, repeating the phrase, until you "hear" the answer.
Example: LAWN SAND JEALOUS (place) Answer: Los Angeles
1. SHOCK CUSSED TOE (person)
2. SAND TACKLE LAWS (fictional character)
3. MY GULCH HOARD UN (person)
4. MOW BEAD HICK (book)
5. TALL MISCHIEF HER SUN (person)
6. CHICK HE TUB AN AN US (product)
7. THOUGH TIGHT AN HICK (thing)
8. AISLE OH VIEW (phrase)
9. TUB RAID HEAP HUNCH (TV show)
10. CARESS TROUGHER CLUMP US (person)
11. DOCKED HEARSE WHOSE (person)
12. THUMB ILL KEY WAKE OWL LICKS HE (place)
13. AGE ANT HUB BLOWS HEAVEN (fictional character)
14. THESE HOUND DOVE MOO SICK (movie)
15. BUCK SPUN HE (fictional character)
****************************** ******************
***
SUPREME COURT'S TOP TEN PROPOSED CHANGES TO THE MIRANDA WARNING
10. Still have the right to remain silent, but now anything you say can and will be used against you on the Jerry Springer Show.
9. Warning must now be tagged with "Give a Hoot: Don't Pollute."
8. If you can not afford an attorney, one who couldn't get a job in the private sector will be provided.
7. Reinstatement of "I'm rubber, you're glue" clause.
6. During interrogations, officers must ask, "Is that your final answer?"
5. No longer have to fight for your right to party.
4. Rights may be emailed to you within 3 business days of your arrest.
3. Miranda cards have a coupon for free soda at Denny's on the back.
2. "Right to remain silent" replaced with "Shhhhhhhh!"
1. Warning will now be sung by a barbershop quartet.
-=-=-=-=-=-=-==-=
While driving across town one day, an old Doobie Brothers tune, "China Grove", came on the radio. I cranked the volume up and jammed with the song while my kids in the back seat looked on with smiles and wonder. When the song finished, my 8 year old Tommy asked me who that was. I said, "Tommy, that was music your Mom and I grew up on - they're called the Doobie Brothers." He responded with the typical, "Oh, cool." and then after a brief pause he asked "So are they dead yet?"
-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=
<A HREF="http://www.ha-vau.de/Christmas.gif"Click here: http://www.ha-vau.de/Christmas.gif</A
Girls....give this time to load....it's well worth it.... and say ........ I DO BELIEVE IN SANTA ...I DO I DO !!!!!!!!!!!
-=--=-=-=-=--=-=---=-=-=-
Against the advice of his stockbroker, Willings bought ten thousand shares of Miraculous Mining at a dollar a share. The price doubled to two dollars.
Willings called his broker and said, "Buy ten thousand more shares." The price soared to four dollars.
Willings called again and ordered another twenty thousand shares. The price shot up to six dollars.
Willings called once again. "Time to take my profit," he said. "Sell it all."
"Sell?" his broker said. "To who?"
-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=
This year the Winter Solstice, December 22 -- the longest night of the year, will be extremely special. This is because the solstice will coincide with a Full Moon. Ah, but not just any Full Moon. The Moon will be within a few hours of its perigee, its closest point to the Earth. This will make the Moon appear to be about 14% bigger than usual.
However, it is also only ten days from the Earth's perihelion, its closest point to the Sun. Since the Moon shines with reflected sunlight, then the moon will appear 7% brighter than usual.
These events occurring together are extremely rare. This is probably the biggest, rightest moon of the Millennium as well as its last.
That makes it a rare night indeed so check with your local astronomy clubs and pagan centers to find out what special events are planned. Whatever you do, get out and look at the sky. You will never see a Moon like this again, even if the world does not end seven days later. -- Have a magic day and pass it on. Magic Mike parlor.htm Are YOU REMEMBERING to FEED THE HUNGRY? All you do is click a button and somewhere in the world some hungry person gets a meal at no cost to you. THE FOOD IS PAID FOR BY CORPORATE SPONSORS. Go EVERY DAY PLEASE! GO RIGHT NOW and pass the word. http://www.thehungersite.com .
Subject: Planet Proctor, bunches of new STUFF Date: Mon, 13 Dec 1999 15:26:39 -0800 From: Magic Mike Berger <mmb Organization: http://funandmagic.com To: you <you
Hi, Well I have been very busy. I lost my contract with
The News Tribune paper in Tacoma, so i am working at home on the internet,
trying to sell my training tapes to newspapers, and trying to sell my internet
services. Aside from 2.9 long distance service and the water filters, I
am marketing the Cookie Cutter Training Program http://www.cc-pages.com/vips/MichaelBerger/index.htm
The Cookie Cutter puts $20 bills in your email box. Also 10 ways to be
paid to surf can pay you as much as $50 a night if you use them all to
the max. ~magicmb/makemoney.html I have been
behind on writing and posting. There are a few fantastic photos from space
on the site ~magicmb/photolinks2.htm .Have a magic day and pass it on.
Magic Mike http://funandmagic.com/ Arkansas: A man can legally
beat his wife, but no more than once a month.
California: In L.A., a man may legally beat his wife with a leather strap, as long as it is less than 2 inches wide, or she gives him permission to use a wider strap.
It is a misdemeanor to shoot any kind of game from a moving vehicle, unless the target is a whale.
Florida: Unmarried women who parachute on Sunday's will be jailed.
Georgia: In Quitman, it is illegal for a chicken to cross the road. In Columbus, it is illegal to sit on one's porch in an indecent position.
Indiana: Monkey's are forbidden to smoke cigarettes in South Bend.
Illinois: In Chicago, it is illegal to take a French poodle to the Opera. According to state law, it is illegal to speak English. The officially recognized language is "American." In Joliet, it is illegal to mispronounce the name Joliet
Massachusetts: It is illegal to wear a goatee without a license. North Andover prohibits its citizens from carrying "space guns." In 1659, the state outlawed Christmas.
Minnesota: It is illegal to tease skunks. Every man in Brainerd is required by law to grow a beard.
Michigan: A state law stipulates that a woman's hair legally belongs to her husband. Under state law, dentists are officially classified as "mechanics." In Clawson, it is legal for a man to "sleep with his pigs, cows, horses, goats, and chickens."
Montana: In Whitehall, it is illegal to operate a vehicle with ice picks attached to the wheels. It is a felony for a wife to open her husband's mail.
Nebraska: If a child burps during a church service in Omaha, his or her parents may be arrested. It is illegal for a mother to give her daughter a perm without a state license.
New York: In Staten Island, it is illegal for a father to call his son a faggot or queer in an effort to curb girlie behavior. In NYC, "it is disorderly conduct for one man to greet another on the street by placing the end of his thumb against the tip of his nose and wiggling the extended fingers of that hand."
North Carolina: It is illegal to have sex in a Churchyard. It is illegal to make love on the floor of a hotel room between two double beds.
Oklahoma: Whale hunting is strictly forbidden. People who make "ugly faces" at dogs may be fined and/or jailed.
Ohio: In Columbus, it is illegal for stores to sell corn flakes on Sunday. In Oxford, it is illegal for a woman to disrobe in front of a man's picture. In Youngstown, it is illegal to run out of gas.
Oregon: The town of Hood River prohibits the act of juggling without a license.
Pennsylvania: "Any motorist who sights a team of horses coming toward him must pull well off the road, cover his car with a blanket or canvas that blends with the countryside, and let the horses pass. If the horses appear skittish, the motorist must take his car apart piece by piece, and hide it under the nearest bushes."
Rhode Island: Its illegal to throw pickle juice on a trolley.
Tennessee: It is illegal to use a lasso to catch a fish. In Dyersburg, it is illegal for a woman to call a man for a date. In Memphis, it is illegal for a woman to drive by herself; "a man must walk or run in front of the vehicle, waving a red flag in order to warn approaching pedestrians and motorists."
Texas: The entire Encyclopedia Britannica is banned because it contains a formula for making beer at home. It is illegal to milk another person's cow.
Utah: A husband is responsible for every criminal act committed by his wife in his presence.
Virginia: In Richmond, it is illegal to flip a coin in any eating establishment to determine who buys a cup of coffee. In Lebanon, it is illegal to kick your wife out of bed.
Vermont: It is illegal to deny the existence of God. It is illegal to whistle underwater. Women must obtain written permission from their husbands to wear false teeth.
-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=
The other day, while I was seeing my shrink, he asked me what I looked for in a woman.
Naturally I replied, "Big tits."
He said, "No, I meant for a serious relationship."
So I said, "Oh, seriously big tits."
"No, no, no. I mean what do you look for in the one woman you want to spend the rest of your life with?"
He looked at me kind of worried as I just sat there on his couch laughing until my gut hurt. "Spend the rest of my life with one woman? No woman's tits are that big."
-=-=-=-=-=-=-=--=-=-= I'd like to invite you to visit The Mother of All Excuses Place. http://Madtbone.tripod.com/
--=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=
A policeman pulls a man over for speeding and asks him to get out of the car. After looking the man over he says, "Sir, I couldn't help but notice your eyes are bloodshot. Have you been drinking?"
The man gets really indignant and says, "Officer, I couldn't help but notice your eyes are glazed. Have you been eating doughnuts?"
-=-=-=-=-=-=-=
An eighty-three year old lady finished her annual physical examination whereupon the doctor said "You are in fine shape for your age.. but tell me.. do you still have intercourse?"
"Just a minute .. I'll have to ask my husband," she said. She went out to the reception room and said:
"Jake do we still have intercourse?"
Jake answered impatiently........"If I told you once I told you a thousand times... We have blue cross !!"
-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=
A small town prosecuting attorney called his first witness to the stand in a trial--a grandmotherly, elderly woman. He approached her and asked, "Mrs. Jones, do you know me?"
She responded, "Why, yes, I do know you Mr. Williams. I've known you since you were a young boy. And frankly, you've been a big disappointment to me. You lie, you cheat on your wife, you manipulate people and talk about them behind their backs. You think you're a rising big shot when you haven't the brains to realize you never will amount to anything more than a two-bit paper pusher. Yes, I know you."
The lawyer was stunned. Not knowing what else to do he pointed across the room and asked, "Mrs. Williams, do you know the defense attorney?"
She again replied, "Why, yes I do. I've known Mr. Bradley since he was a youngster, too. I used to baby-sit him for his parents. And he, too, has been a real disappointment to me. He's lazy, bigoted, he has a drinking problem. The man can't build a normal relationship with anyone and his law practice is one of the shoddiest in the entire state. Yes, I know him."
At this point, the judge rapped the courtroom to silence and called both counselors to the bench. In a very quiet voice, he said with menace, "If either of you asks her if she knows me, you'll be in jail for contempt within 5 minutes!"
~~~~~~
It was Christmas and the judge was in a merry mood as he asked the prisoner, "What are you charged with?"
"Doing my Christmas shopping early," replied the defendant.
"That's no offense," said the judge. "How early were you doing this shopping?"
"Before the store opened," countered the prisoner.
-=--=-=-=--=
A man was chosen for jury duty who very much wanted to be dismissed from serving. He tried every excuse he could think of but none of them worked. On the day of the trial he decided to give it one more shot. As the trial was about to begin he asked if he could approach the bench.
"Your Honor," he said, " I must be excused from this trial because I am prejudiced against the defendant. I took one look at the man in the blue suit with those beady eyes and that dishonest face and I said, "He's a crook! He's guilty, guilty, guilty." So your Honor, I could not possibly stay on this jury!"
With a tired annoyance the judge replied, "Get back in the jury box. That man is his lawyer."
-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=
There was this man in a mental hospital. All day he would put his ear to the wall and listen. The doctor would watch this guy do this day after day. So the doctor finally decided to see what the guy was listening to, so he put his ear up to the wall and listened. He heard nothing. So he turned to the mental patient and said, "I don't hear anything."
The mental patient said, "Yeah, I know. It's been like that for months!"
-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=
A guy had been feeling down for so long that he finally decided to seek the aid of a psychiatrist.
He went there, laid on the couch, spilled his guts then waited for the profound wisdom of the psychiatrist to make him feel better.
The psychiatrist asked me a few questions, took some notes then sat thinking in silence for a few minutes with a puzzled look on his face.
Suddenly, he looked up with an expression of delight and said, "Um, I think your problem is low self-esteem. It is very common among losers."
-=-=-=-=-=-=
Subject: PP 99 - 24 Date: Sat, 11 Dec 1999 17:52:23 -0500
From: phil proctor <PProctor@compuserve.com To: "A.A.A 3"
<pproctor@compuserve.com
((((((((((((((((((((( PLANET PROCTOR 99-24 http://www.planetproctor.com
"America. Where nobody has bad teeth and everybody has a lavatory." Angela's Ashes, Frank McCourt
FIRE SIGNS! Dear Friends, all four of us will be gathering at Borders bookstore on La Cienega at 7:30 on Monday, December 13, for a twenty-minute Q&A session; and then we'll sign CDs and anything else you deign to bring us. Be there or be ware. Then on Tuesday and Wednesday, Andy Thomas and Hugh Brown with a crew from Rhino will be taping and filming and snapping pictures of us in various disguises for the upcoming PBS special at various locations around town. I will also be working again as Howard, the dad of the twins, Phil and Lil, for another season of "Rugrats", appearing as Sgt. Tibbs in a new release of "101 Dalmatians" and adding more voices to Disney's "Atlantis". Also, my darling wife, Melinda, shot another national TV spot yesterday for "Hotjobs.com", playing a Brit assistant to a jet-setter CEO. They filmed til midnight at Van Nuys airport, and it's set to premiere on the Superbowl pre-show. Everybody thought she was really English and apologized to her because the spot pokes fun at the limeys! At the end of the shoot the director wanted her to say a sexy line to her "boss" for his reel, and Mellie came up with "Would you like to smell my knickers?" (He did ten takes).
Tallulah Bankhead, about the British pronunciation of SH-edule: "Oh, skit!"
HAVE A PSYCHO XMAS Schizophrenia - Do You Hear What I Hear? Multiple Personality - We Three Kings Disoriented Are. Dementia: I Think I'll Be Home For Christmas (If I Remember Where I Live) Narcissistic - Hark The Herald Angels Sing (About Me) Mania - Deck the Halls and Walls and House and Lawn and Streets and Stores and Office and Town... Paranoia - Santa Claus is Coming To Town...To Get Me. Personality Disorder - You Better Watch Out, I'm Gonna Cry, I'm Gonna Pout (then MAYBE I'll tell you why). Borderline Personality - Thoughts of Roasting on an Open Fire. Passive Aggressive - On the First Day of Christmas My True Love Gave to Me (and then took it all away). Obsessive Compulsive - Jingle Bell, Jingle Bell, Jingle Bell Rock, Jingle Bell, Jingle Bell, Jingle Bell Rock, Jingle Bell, Jingle Bell, Jingle Bell Rock, Jingle Bell, Jingle Bell, Jingle Bell Rock, Jingle Bell... (Uncredited)
Actor Peter Johnson sent me a photo from a Denver newspaper with this caption: "A Little Stinking Spirit: The tree known as the 'Stinking Desert National Monument' sits along U.S. 50...Locals decorate the tree every December." Firesign fans, maybe?
THE SHOW MUST? GO ON! "Aida" is not the only show in out-of-town tryouts with a set that needs a little tweaking. According to the latest "Production Notes", during a performance of "Finian's Rainbow", our pal and fellow Yalie Austin Pendleton was hit upside the head by one of the sets but is ok. Later, that evening, Bryan Murray fell on stage during curtain calls, banged his head and was taken to hospital for a checkup. Equity has now inspected the set, "but many in the cast felt it was dangerous from day one." I played Og opposite Pat O'Brien once and a stump exploded when I threw pixie dust at it. The show is jinxed!
"Change is inevitable except from vending machines."
THE CAJUN DAYS OF CHRISTMAS Day 1: Dear Emile, Thanks for da bird in the Pear tree. I fixed it las night with dirty rice an' it was delicious. I doan tink the Pear tree would grow in de swamp, so I swapped it for a Satsuma. Day 2: Dear Emile,Your letter said you sent 2 turtle dove, but all I got was 2 scrawny pigeon. Anyway, I mixed them with andouille and made some gumbo out of dem. Day 3: Dear Emile, Why doan you sen me some crawfish? I'm tired of eating dem darned bird. I gave two of those prissy French chicken to Mrs.Fontenot over at Grand Chenier, and fed the tird one to my dog, Phideaux. Mrs. Fontenot needed some sparring partners for her fighting rooster. Day 4: Dear Emile, Mon Dieux! I tole you no more of dem bird. Deez four, what you call "calling bird" wuz so noisy you could hear dem all da' way to Lafayette. I used they necks for my crab traps, and fed the rest of dem to the gators. Day 5: Dear Emile, You finally sent something useful. I liked dem golden rings, me. I hocked dem at da' pawn shop in Sulphur and got enough money to fix the shaft on my shrimp boat, and to buy a round for da boys at the Raisin' Cane Lounge. Merci Beaucoup! Day 6: Dear Emile, Cochon! Back to da birds, you coonass turkey! Poor egg sucking Phideaux is scared to death ah dem six goose. He try to eat they eggs and they pecked the heck out ah his snout. Dem goose are damm good at eating cockroach around da' house, though. I may stuff one ah dem goose with erster dressing to serve him on Christmas Day. Day 7: Dear Emile, I'm gonna wring your fool neck next time I see you. Ole Boudreaux, da mailman, is ready to kill you, too. The crap from all dem bird is stinkin up his mailboat. He afraid someone will slip on dat stuff and gonna sue him. I let dem seven swan loose to swim on da bayou and some stupid duck hunter from Mississippi done blasted dem out da water. Talk to you tomorrow. Day 8: Dear Emile, Poor ole Boudreaux had to make 3 trips on his mailboat to deliver dem 8 maids-a-milking & der cows. One of dem cows got spooked by da alligators and almost tipped over da boat. I doan like dem shiftless maids, me. I told dem to get to work gutting fish and sweeping my shack--but dey say it wasn't in their contract. They probably tink they too good toskin all dem nutria I caught las night. Day 9: Dear Emile, What you trying to do? Boudreaux had to borrow da Cameron Ferry to carry these jumping twits you call lords-a-leaping across da bayou. As soon as dey got here dey wanted a tea break and crumpets. I doan know what dat means but I says, "Well la di da. You get Chicory coffee or nuthin." Mon Dieux, Emile, what I'm gonna feed all these bozos? They too snooty for fried nutria, and da cow ate up all my turnip green. Day 10: Dear Emile, You got to be out of you mind. If da mailman don't kill you, I will. Today he deliver 10 half nekkid floozies from Bourbon Street. Dey said they be "ladies dancing" but they doan act like ladiesladies in front of dem Limey sailing boys. Dey almost left after one of them got bit by a water moccasin over by my out-house. I had to butcher 2 cows to feed toute le monde and get toilet paper rolls. The Sears catalog wasn't good enough for dem hoity toity lords. Talk at you tomorrow. Day 11: Dear Emile, Where Y'at? Cherio and pip pip. You 11 Pipers Piping arrived today from the House of Blues, second lining as dey got off da boat. We fixed stuffed goose and beef jumbalaya, finished da whiskey, and we're having a fais-do-do. Da' new mailman drank a bottle of Jack Daniel, and he's having a good old time dancing with the floozies. Da' old mailman done jump off the Moss Bluff Bridge yesterday, screaming you name. If you happen to get a mysterious-looking, ticking package in da mail, don't open it. Day 12: Dear Emile, Me I'm sorry to tell you--but I am not your true love anymore. After the fais-do-do, I spent da night with Jacque, the head piper. We decide to open a restaurant and gentlemen's club on the bayou. The floozies--pardon me--ladies dancing can make $20 for a table dance, and the lords can be the waiters and valet park da boats. Since da' maids have no more cows to milk, I trained dem to set my crab traps, watch my trotlines, and run my shrimping business. We'll probably gross a million dollars next year. Joyeaux Noel et Bonne Annee! (Uncredited)
"I was so happy I didn't know whether to shit or go blind." - Frank McCourt, Angela's Ashes.
BAD DAY ON THE FREEWAY A California policeman pulled a car over and told the driver that because he'd been wearing his seatbelt, he had just won $5,000 in the statewide safety competition. "What are you going to do with the money?" asked the policeman. "Well, I guess I'm going to get a driver's license," he answered. "Oh, don't listen to him," said the woman in the passenger seat, "He's a smart aleck when he's drunk." This woke up the guy in the back-seat, who took one look at the cop and moaned, "I knew we wouldn't get far in a stolen car." At that moment there was a knock from the trunk, and a voice said in Spanish, "Are we over the border yet?"
If you rearrange the letters in the phrase "Year Two Thousand", you get "A year to shut down!!" - Phil's Funny Facts
PARADOX REDUX The paradox of our time in history is that we have taller buildings, but shorter tempers; wider freeways, but narrower viewpoints. We spend more, but have less; we buy more, but enjoy it less. We have bigger houses and smaller families; more conveniences, but less time; we have more degrees, but less sense; more knowledge, but less judgment; more experts, but more problems; more medicine, but less wellness. We drink too much, smoke too much, spend too recklessly, laugh too little, drive too fast, get too angry too quickly, stay up too late, get up too tired, read too seldom, watch TV too much, and pray too seldom. We have multiplied our possessions, but reduced our values. We talk too much, love too seldom, and hate too often. We've learned how to make a living, but not a life; we've added years to life, not life to years. We've been all the way to the moon and back, but have trouble crossing the street to meet the new neighbor. We've conquered outer space, but not inner space. We've done larger things, but not better things. We've cleaned up the air, but polluted the soul. We've split the atom, but not our prejudice. We write more, but learn less. We plan more, but accomplish less. We've learned to rush, but not to wait. We build more computers to hold more information to produce more copies than ever, but have less communication. These are the times of fast foods and slow digestion; tall men, and short character; steep profits, and shallow relationships. These are the times of world peace, but domestic warfare; more leisure, but less fun; more kinds of food, but less nutrition. These are days of two incomes, but more divorce; of fancier houses, but broken homes. These are days of quick trips, disposable diapers, throw-away morality, one-night stands, overweight bodies, and pills that do everything from cheer to quiet, to kill. It is a time when there is much in the show window and nothing in the stockroom; a time when technology can bring this letter to you, and a time when you can choose either to share this insight....or to just hit delete. (Rodney Brainard)
Barry White had to cancel a second appearance in an ongoing concert tour because of exhaustion. He's on the road promoting his latest album - "Staying Power." - Phil's Real Facts
SANTA STRIKES I regret to inform you that, effective immediately,
I will no longer be able to serve Southern United States on Christmas Eve.
Due to the over-whelming current population of the earth, my contract was
renegotiated by North American Fairies and Elves Local 209 and I now serve
only certain areas of Ohio, Indiana, Illinois, Wisconsin and Michigan.
(As part of the new and better contract I also get longer breaks for milk
and cookies, so keep that in mind.) However, I'm certain that your children
will be in good hands with your local replacement who happens to be my
third cousin, Bubba Claus. His side of the family is from the South Pole.
He shares my goal of delivering toys to all the good boys and girls; however,
there are a few differences between us. 1. There is no danger of a Grinch
stealing your presents from Bubba Claus. He has a gun rack on his sleigh
and a bumper sticker that reads: "These toys insured by Smith and
Wesson." 2. Instead of milk and cookies, Bubba Claus prefers that
children leave an RC cola and pork rinds [or a moon pie] on the fireplace.
And Bubba doesn't smoke a pipe. He dips a little snuff though, so please
have an empty spit can handy. 3. Bubba Claus' sleigh is pulled by floppy-eared,
flying' coon dogs instead of reindeer. I made the mistake of loaning him
a couple of my reindeer one time, and Blitzen's head now overlooks Bubba's
fireplace. 4. "Ho, ho, ho!" has been replaced by "Yee Haw!"
And you also are likely to hear Bubba's elves respond, "I her'd dat!"
5. As required by Southern highway laws, Bubba Claus' sleigh has a Yosemite
Sam safety triangle on the back with the words "Back off".It
also sports a Chevy logo with lights that race through the letters and
a caricature of me pissing on the Tooth Fairy. 6. The usual Christmas movie
classics such as "Miracle on 34th Street" and "It's a Wonderful
Life" will not be shown in your negotiated viewing area. Instead,
you'll see "Boss Hogg Saves Christmas" and "Smokey and the
Bandit IV" featuring Burt Reynolds as Bubba Claus and dozens of state
patrol cars crashing into each other. 8. Bubba Claus doesn't wear a belt,
so make sure you, the wife and the kids turn the other way when he bends
over to put presents under the tree. 9. And finally, this year, songs about
Bubba Claus will replace the traditional favorites on all Southern AM stations,
like Mark Chesnutt's "Bubba Claus Shot the Jukebox", Cledus T.
Judd's "All I Want for Christmas Is My Woman and a Six Pack",
and Hank Williams Jr.'s "If You Don't Like Bubba Claus, You can Shove
It." Fraternally Yours, Santa Claus (From Magic Mike
)
"I am 74 years old and I think I can whip (your) collective asses. Growing old is not a leper colony where an unfortunate few are sent to die. It is a precious gift given only to some lucky human beings. Sad to say, it's not an award of merit...I hope (you) live long enough to acquire the insight, wisdom and understanding that comes with 'old' age." Dick Van Dyke, Calendar Letters, L.A. Times
+++++++++++(12/11/99)++++++++++ * FIRESIGN SITE: www.firesigntheatre.com * FIRESIGN PRODUCT: www.lodestone-media.com * FUNNY TIMES: www.funnytimes.com
PLANET PROCTOR (C) 1999 by Phil Proctor
Subject: amazing space photo! Also Planet Proctor Orbits Date: Thu, 02 Dec 1999 19:23:01 -0800 From: Magic Mike Berger <mmb Organization: http://funandmagic.com/ To: you <you
Hi, I have been tres busy. Haven't updated anything in
a week it seems. So this new photo at http://funandmagic.com/photolinks2.htm
is too good to pass up. The Inspiration page has had a week's worth of
updates at once, so it's really kickin' http://funandmagic.com/inspirational-thought.html
. Please let me know if the sounds I embedded in my pages delays my pages
too much to bear. I have a DSL 256k connection and can't tell. I saw the
Prez last night. While the Seattle police were pushing WTO protesters from
downtown on the East side, I saw the Limo One pull out behind me with it's
trooper escort, just as I passed Burger King on the north edge of downtown.
A whopper of a burger, for our whopper of a President. Don't forget to
feed the hungry! Those of you who have NOT signed up for the free 3.9 cent
a minute phone yet, please raise your wallet above you head and dump half
of your phone bill in the trash. http://www.cognigen.net/iphone/?phon4lessHave a magic day and pass it on.
Magic Mike
parlor.htm HE AIN"T HEAVY, HE'S MY BOXER
A man took his Boxer to the vet and said, "My dog's cross- eyed, is there anything you can do for him?"
"Well," said the vet, "let's have a look at him." So he picks the dog up and has a good look at its eyes.
"Hmm," says the vet, "I'm going to have to put him down."
"Just because he's cross-eyed?" says the man.
"No, because he's heavy," says the vet.
-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=
A sixth grade class is doing some spelling drills. The teacher asks Tommy if he can spell 'before.' He stands up and says, "Before, B-E-P-H-O-R."
The teacher says, "No, that's wrong. Can anyone else spell before?"
Another little boy stands up and says, "Before, B-E-F-O-O-R."
Again the teacher says, "No, that's wrong." The teacher asks, "Little Johnny, can you spell 'before'?"
Little Johnny stands up and says, "Before, B-E-F-O-R-E."
"Excellent Johnny, now can you use it in a sentence?"
Little Johnny says, "That's easy. Two plus two be fore."
-=-=-=-=-=-=--=
A church had a man in the choir who couldn't sing. Several people hinted to him that he could serve in other places, but he continued to come to the choir. The choir director became desperate and went to the pastor.
"You've got to get that man out of the choir," he said. "If you don't, I'm going to resign. The choir members are going to quit too. Please do something."
So the pastor went to the man and suggested, "Perhaps you should leave the choir."
"Why should I get out of the choir?" he asked.
"Well, five or six people have told me you can't sing."
That's nothing," the man snorted. "Fifty people have told me that you can't preach!"
-=-=-=--=-=-=-=
A lawyer and a blonde are sitting next to each other on a long flight from LA to NY. The lawyer leans over to her and asks if she would like to play a fun game. The blonde just wants to take a nap, so she politely declines and rolls over to the window to catch a few winks.
The lawyer persists and explains that the game is really easy and a lot of fun. He explains
"I ask you a question, and if you don't know the answer, you pay me $5, and vice-versa."
Again, she politely declines and tries to get some sleep.
The lawyer, now somewhat agitated, says, "Okay, if you don't know the answer you pay me $5, and if I don't know the answer, I will pay you $500.00 !" figuring that since she is a blonde that he will easily win the match.
This catches the blonde's attention and, figuring that there will be no end to this torment unless she plays, agrees to the game. The lawyer asks the first question.
"What's the distance from the earth to the moon?"
The blonde doesn't say a word, reaches in to her purse, pulls out a five dollar bill and hands it to the lawyer.
Now, it's the blonde's turn. She asks the lawyer: "What goes up a hill with three legs, and comes down with four?"
The lawyer looks at her with a puzzled look. He takes out his laptop computer and searches all his references. He taps into the Air phone with his modem and searches the Net and the Library of Congress. Frustrated, he sends E-mails to all his coworkers and friends he knows. All to no avail.
After over an hour, he wakes the blonde and hands her $500.00 The blonde politely takes the $500.00 and turns away to get back to sleep.
The lawyer, who is more than a little miffed, wakes the blonde and asks,
"Well, so what IS the answer!?"
Without a word, the blonde reaches into her purse, hands the lawyer $5.00, and goes back to sleep.
Smart blond, Eh!
=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=
After a laborious two-week criminal trial in a very high profile bank robbery case, the jury finally ended its 14 hours of deliberations and entered the courtroom to deliver its verdict to the judge. The judge turns to the jury foreman and asks,
"Has the jury reached a verdict in this case?"
"Yes we have, your honor," the foreman responded.
"Would you please pass it to me,"
the judge declared, as he motioned for the bailiff to retrieve the verdict slip from the foreman and deliver it to him.
After the judge reads the verdict himself, he delivers the verdict slip back to his bailiff to be returned to the foreman and instructs the foreman,
"Please read your verdict to the court."
"We find the defendant NOT GUILTY of all four counts of bank robbery,"
stated the foreman.
The family and friends of the defendant jump for joy at the sound of the "not guilty" verdict and hug each other as they shout expressions of divine gratitude. The defendant's attorney turns to his client and asks,
"So, what do you think about that?"
The defendant looks around the courtroom slowly with a bewildered look on his face and then turns to his defense attorney and says,
"I'm real confused here. Does this mean that I have to give all the money back?"
-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-
A guy's walking down the street and sees Johnny smoking a cigarette. "Hey kid, you're too young to smoke."
Johnny looks up but says nothing.
"How old are you?"
"Six," Johnny says.
"Six? When did you start smoking?"
"Right after the first time I got laid."
"Right after the first time you got laid? When was that?"
Johnny says, "I don't remember, I was drunk."
-=-=-=-=-=-=-
A college professor in an anatomy class asked his students to sketch a naked man. As the professor walked around the class checking the sketches he noticed that a sexy young coed had sketched the man with an erect penis.
The professor commented, "Oh, no, I wanted it the other way."
She replied, "What other way?"
-=-=-=-=-=-==-
On doctor's orders, Melling had moved to Arizona. Two weeks later, he was dead. His body was shipped back home, where the undertaker prepared it for the services.
Melling's brother came in to make sure everything was taken care of. "Would you like to see the body?" the undertaker asked.
"I might as well take a look at it before the others get here." The undertaker led him into the next room and opened the top half of the casket. He stood back and proudly displayed his work.
"He looks good," the brother said. "Those two weeks in Arizona were just the thing for him."
-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=--=
While the US stock market is at an all time high, the ups and downs frighten a lot of small investors like me. I went to my financial advisor at the bank and ask if he were worried.
He replied that he slept like a baby. I was amazed and asked, "Really ??? Even with all the fluctuations?"
He said, "Yes. I sleep for a couple of hours, then wake up and cry for a couple of hours."
=-=-=-==-=-=--=
A new contract for Santa has finally been negotiated....Please read the following carefully.......
I regret to inform you that, effective immediately, I will no longer be able to serve Southern United States on Christmas Eve. Due to the overwhelming current population of the earth, my contract was renegotiated by North American Fairies and Elves Local 209. I now serve only certain areas of Ohio, Indiana, Illinois, Wisconsin and Michigan. As part of the new and better contract I also get longer breaks for milk and cookies so keep that in mind.
However, I'm certain that your children will be in good hands with your local replacement who happens to be my third cousin, Bubba Claus. His side of the family is from the South Pole. He shares my goal of delivering toys to all the good boys and girls; however, there are a few differences between us.
Differences such as:
1. There is no danger of a Grinch stealing your presents from Bubba Claus. He has a gun rack on his sleigh and a bumper sticker that reads: "These toys insured by Smith and Wesson."
2. Instead of milk and cookies, Bubba Claus prefers that children leave an RC cola and pork rinds [or a moon pie] on the fireplace. And Bubba doesn't smoke a pipe. He dips a little snuff though, so please have an empty spit can handy.
3. Bubba Claus' sleigh is pulled by floppy-eared, flying' coon dogs instead of reindeer. I made the mistake of loaning him a couple of my reindeer one time, and Blitzen's head now overlooks Bubba's fireplace.
4. You won't hear "On Comet, on Cupid, on Donner and Blitzen ..." when Bubba Claus arrives. Instead, you'll hear, "On Earnhardt, on Wallace, on Martin and Labonte. On Rudd, on Jarrett, on Elliott and Petty."
5. "Ho, ho, ho!" has been replaced by "Yee Haw!" And you also are likely to hear Bubba's elves respond, "I her'd dat!"
6. As required by Southern highway laws, Bubba Claus' sleigh does have a Yosemite Sam safety triangle on the back with the words "Back off" The last I heard it also had other decorations on the sleigh back as well. One is Ford or Chevy logo with lights that race through theletters and the other is a caricature of me (Santa Claus) going wee wee on the Tooth Fairy.
7. The usual Christmas movie classics such as "Miracle on 34th Street" and "It's a Wonderful Life" will not be shown in your negotiated viewing area. Instead, you'll see "Boss Hogg Saves Christmas" and "Smokey and the Bandit IV" featuring Burt Reynolds as Bubba Claus and dozens of state patrol cars crashing into each other.
8. Bubba Claus doesn't wear a belt. If I were you, I'd make sure you, the wife, and the kids turn the other way when he bends over to put presents under the tree.
9. And finally, lovely Christmas songs have been sung about me like "Rudolph The Red-nosed Reindeer" and Bing Crosby's "Santa Claus Is Coming to Town." This year songs about Bubba Claus will be played on all the AM radio stations in the South. Those song title will be Mark Chesnutt's "Bubba Claus Shot the Jukebox"; Cledus T. Judd's "All I Want for Christmas Is My Woman and a Six Pack", and Hank Williams Jr.'s "If You Don't Like Bubba Claus, You can Shove It."
Sincerely Yours,
Santa Claus (member of North American Fairies and Elves Local 209)
-=-=-=-=-=-=-=--==
Subject:REAL MOTHERS
Real Mothers don't eat quiche; they don't have time to make it.
Real Mothers know that their kitchen utensils are probably in the sandbox.
Real Mothers often have sticky floors, filthy ovens and happy kids.
Real Mothers know that dried playdough doesn't come out of shag carpet.
Real Mothers don't want to know what the vacuum just sucked up.
Real Mothers sometimes ask "why me?" and get their answer when a little voice says, "because I love you best."
Real Mothers know that a child's growth is not measured by height or years or grade. . .It is marked by the progression of Mama to Mommy to Mom... *-.,,.-*-;-*-.,,.-*-;-*-.,,.-*-;-*-.,,.-*-;-*- READ ON ..........
The Images of Mother:
4 YEARS OF AGE My Mommy can do anything!
8 YEARS OF AGE My Mom knows a lot! A whole lot!
12 YEARS OF AGE My Mother doesn't really know quite everything.
14 YEARS OF AGE Naturally, Mother doesn't know that, either.
16 YEARS OF AGE Mother? She's hopelessly old-fashioned.
18 YEARS OF AGE That old woman? She's way out of date!
25 YEARS OF AGE Well, she might know a little bit about it.
35 YEARS OF AGE Before we decide, let's get Mom's opinion.
45 YEARS OF AGE Wonder what Mom would have thought about it?
65 YEARS OF AGE Wish I could talk it over with Mom.....
-=-=-=-==-=-=-=
Subject: PP 99 - 23 Date: Wed, 1 Dec 1999 17:45:14 -0500
From: phil proctor <PProctor@compuserve.com To: "A.A.A 3"
<pproctor@compuserve.com
(((((((((((((((((((( PLANET PROCTOR 99 - 23 http://www.planetproctor.com
"I just got lost in thought. It was unfamiliar territory." Gary Belkin
LAY OFF THAT EGYPTIAN PILOT! Airline pilot Wim de Nijs was banned by the city of Groningen in northern Holland from landing at their airport for over a year and also briefly jailed in the town. His offense? Singing the theme to "The Flintstones" cartoon show over his aircraft radio and jamming the frequency. "Flintstones, meet the Flintstones, they're a modern stone-age family..." he would sing in English, for 20 minutes at a time. De Nijs appealed his punishment to the Dutch Council of State, which ruled that banning him from landing in Groningen was "too harsh". (AP)
"The longest recorded flight of a chicken is thirteen seconds." Phil's Funny Facts
MIXED UP AIRLINES Alitalia: Airplane Lands In Tokyo And Luggage In Atlanta American: Airline Meals Eaten Regularly Induce Cramps and Nausea Delta: Doesn't Ever Leave The Airport El Al: Every Landing Always Late Iberia: It's Blown Every Runway In America Lufthansa: Let Us Fly To Hell And Say Achtung Olympic: Onassis Likes Your Money: Pay In Cash PanAm: Planes Actually Never Approved Mechanically Sabena: Such A Bad Experience - Never Again TWA: That Was Awful US Air: Upchuck Served As Interim Refreshment. (Forwarded by Alan Shearman;"US Air" by Paul Willson)
Mort Sahl once remarked "The neutron bomb is the perfect Republican weapon; it destroys the family but leaves the mortgage intact."
BETTER RED THAN DEAD You may have heard that having a glass of red wine with dinner can help prevent heart disease, but do all red wines protect the heart equally? Well, a communique from actress Edie "Bottoms Up" McClurg cites recent studies at Cornell University and UC Davis which suggest that the antioxidant contained in wine, "resveratrol", is two times more present in Pinot Noir than in Cabernet Franc, Cabernet Sauvignon or Merlot. Also, wines produced in humid climates, such as Napa, Sonoma, Burgundy, and Bordeaux, contain more of the good stuff than wines produced in dry climates, such as California's Central Valley. And the really bad news: most jug wines and cheap table wines are produced in dry climates, and thus less likely to be heart healthy. This will have a Ripple effect in the Wino business, fer shur.
"Alcohol and calculus don't mix. Never drink and derive." Ellen Siegal
IT DOESN'T AD UP "The only time you will be delighted to get syphilis. Use heroin without facing the death penalty. One of the few occasions when celibacy is better than sex." Three print ads for the game "SCRABBLE" (spelled out with game tokens) created by Ogilvy & Mather in Singapore. And here, in an L.A. Times ad for "Cuddl Duds Warmwear" is promoted a sale on the "Entire collection of Hue Socks, Tights and Age Defiance Hosiery!" But my favorite disclaimer at present is for a new weight-loss drug which warns that under some circumstances ingestion may produce "gas with oily discharge" and a sudden and uncontrollable urge to go to the bathroom!
"I am in shape. Round's a shape." Phil's Funny Phrases
SHOW ME! "As you may or may not be aware, Washington Metro area has been designated as the second worst commute in the U.S. It also has four of the 20 worst bottlenecks in the U.S. on, or adjacent to, our 495 Beltway. Well, long story short, this morning one of those bottlenecks was being incredibly slowed down, almost to a total standstill, by huge lights and TV crews reporting to the drooling masses on how bad the traffic bottleneck is at that location! You go figure..." Nancy Main, Silver Springs, Maryland
"In Sunday's New York Times (10/17/99), George W. Bush is asked if he is a master of the politics of triangulation. He replies, 'I don't know what that means. That's an invented word.' This, in apparent contrast to most words, which are natural." Gary Gordon
YOU WILL LAUGH! German researchers have announced in Bild newspaper that it is healthy to indulge in a good laugh at someone else's expense. It's called "schadenfreude" - a uniquely teutonic term meaning "joy over someone else's misfortune." Duesseldorf psychoanalyst, Claudia Sies takes pains to point out that schadenfreude relieves stress and that after all, "the failings of others that we enjoy the most are also often our own." (What - like being a Nazi?) The article in Reuters notes that targets of "malicious joy" should simply laugh along. And then maybe die. Laughing.
"Sometimes I get lonely, but it's nice to be alone." - model Tatjana Patitz
BUT WHO'S COUNTING? 'Twas the night before Y2K, and all through the nation We awaited The Bug, The Millennium sensation. The chips were replaced In computers with care, In hopes that ol' Bugsy wouldn't stop there.
While some folks could think they were snug in their beds Others had visions Of dread in their heads. And me with my PC and Ma with her Mac, Had just logged on the Net, And kicked back with a snack.
When over the server, there arose such a clatter I called Mister Gates to see what was the matter. But he was away, so I flew like a flash Off to my bank to withdraw all my cash.
When what with my wondering eyes should I see? My good old PC looked sick to me. The hack of all hackers was looking so smug, I knew that it must be The Y2K Bug.
His image downloaded in no time at all, He whistled and shouted, "Let all systems fall! Go Intel! Go Gateway! Now HP! Big Blue! Everything Compaq And Pentium too! All processors big, All processors small, Crash away! Crash away! Crash away all"!
As I drew in my breath and was [sic] Out through the modem, he came with a bound. He was covered with fur, and slung on his back Was a sackful of virii, set for attack.
His eyes - how they twinkled! His dimples - how merry! As midnight approached, though, things soon became scary. He had a broad little face and a round little belly, And his sack filled with virus quivered like jelly.
He was chubby and plump, perpetually grinning, And I laughed when I saw him though my hard drive stopped spinning. A wink of his eye, and a twist of his head, Soon gave me to know a new feeling of dread.
He spoke not a word, but went straight to his work, He changed all the clocks, then turned with a jerk. With a twitch of his nose, and a quick little wink, All things electronic soon went on the blink.
He zoomed from my system, to the next folks on line, He caused such a disruption, could this be a sign Then I heard him exclaim, with a loud, hearty cry, "Happy Y2K to all, And kiss your PC good-bye"! (Forwarded by Sami Klein)
"Just because I have a short attention span doesn't mean I"
TOP TEN E-MALE AND FEMALE 10. Helen Thomas Eatons (Duke University) eatonsht@dku.edu 9. Mary Ellen Dickinson (Indiana University of Politics) dickinme@iup.edu 8. Francis Kevin Kissinger (Las Verdes University) ksinfk@lvu.edu 7. Amanda Sue Pickering (Purdue University) aspicker@pu.edu 6. Ida Beatrice Ballinger (Ball State University) ibballin@bsu.edu 5. Bradley Thomas Kissering (Brady Electrical N division, Overton, Canada) btkisser@bendover.com 4. Isabelle Haydon Adcock (Toys "R" Us) ihadcock@tru.com 3. Martha Elizabeth Cummins (Fresno University) cumminme@fu.edu 2. George David Blowmer (Drop Front Drawers cabinets) blowmegd@dropdrawers.com 1. Barbara Joan Beeranger (My Place Home Decorating) beeranbj@myplace.com
"What occurs more often in December than any other month? Conception."
Phil's Funny Facts
WHAT A TURKEY! A woman walks into the butcher shop just before closing. She says, "Thank Heavens I've made it in time! Have you any turkey? The butcher opens his fridge and takes out his only turkey, and plops it onto the scale. It weighs 4 1/2 pounds. "Ah, haven't you anything bigger?" the woman inquires. The butcher returns the turkey to the fridge, takes it out again, and plops it onto the scale, only this time, he keeps his thumb on the turkey. The scale shows 7 1/4 pounds. "Marvelous!" says the woman. "I'll have both of them please."
"The mean IQ of father and son could not warm-up a small room." Gore Vidal on Bush and boy George on the Michael Jackson Show, KRLA
DENIS PRAT FALLS Born Denis Prat on Christmas Day, 1908 in Surrey, England, he died Quentin Crisp, the "Naked Civil Servant" and the self-described "mother superior of homosexuality." Crisp who wore tinted his hair with blue highlights and often wore high heels" and "as much makeup as the force of gravity would allow," always believed that "You have to know who you are and then become it." He once wrote that "An autobiography is an obituary in serial form with the last chapter missing." And only a day before his death he told the London Times, "No flowers. No candies. No long faces standing around in the rain, staring down into a hole in the ground while someone drones on about how wonderful I was. . . Just drop me into one of those black plastic bags and leave me by the trash can."
"Religion is an insult to human dignity. With or without it, you'd have good people doing good things and evil people doing evil things. But for good people to do evil things, it takes religion." - Steven Weinberg, Nobel laureate physicist.
NO RELATION Finally, I never stopped to consider that my mention of the loss of Mary Kay Bergman would elicit concerned inquiries about the family of my longtime Firesign Theatre partner, Peter Bergman.(No, he's not the soap-opera actor). As most of you probably know by now, Mary Kay was a shining star in the voice-over world, one of the first women to make a million; a former Groundling, she was nominated for an "Annie" animation award for the voices of the mothers of Stan, Eric, Kyle and Kenny in "South Park". Mary Kay, for reasons unknown, chose to dramatically end own life at the age of 38 in Venice, California, the evening of November 11th. Our hearts go out to her husband, Dino, and family.
"All flames burn out; it's the flame that counts." - "RKO 281" on HBO
+++++++++++(12/1/99)++++++++++ * FIRESIGN SITE: www.firesigntheatre.com * FIRESIGN PRODUCT: www.lodestone-media.com * FUNNY TIMES: www.funnytimes.com
PLANET PROCTOR (C) 1999 by Phil Proctor -- Have a magic day! http://funandmagic.com/ BTW - Please FEED THE HUNGRY! All you do is click and some hungry person gets a meal, paid by corporate sponsors. Go once a day. http://www.thehungersite.com
