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These jokes are to laugh at ourselves, so please do not
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"Since all phenomena, is a product of one's own mind,
empty of meaning, like a magician's illusion,
having nothing to do with good or bad, acceptance or rejection,
one might burst out in laughter."
- Longchenpa, 13th century Tibetan monk.
Read this sentence:
FINISHED FILES ARE THE RESULT OF YEARS OF SCIENTIFIC STUDY COMBINED
WITH THE EXPERIENCE OF YEARS.
Now count aloud the F's in that sentence. Count them only once... do not go back and count them again!!!. See below for answer... This is not a trick, just read through once and count the F's.
Answer below:
.
ANSWER: There are six F's in the sentence. One of average intelligence finds three of them. If you spotted four, you're above average. If you got five, you can turn your nose at most anybody. If you caught six, you are a genius. There is no catch. Many people forget the "OF"'s. The human brain tends to see them as "V's" Pretty weird, huh?A Waiter had badly injured his leg and was lying on a trolley in casualty waiting for assistance. Suddenly he saw a Doctor walk past.
"Doctor, please help me" said the waiter, "I've been here for over 3 hours!"
"I'm sorry", said the Doctor, "but it's not my table!"
"Gosh", said the woman to the man sitting opposite her. "You look just like my fifth husband."
"Really" said the man, "And how many husbands have you had?"
"Four!"
John bought his new colleague, Peter, home for dinner. As they arrived at the door his wife rushed up, threw her arms around John and kissed him passionately.
"My goodness", said Peter, "and how long have you been married?"
"22 years", replied John.
"You must have a fantastic marriage if your wife greets you like that after all those years."
"Don't be fooled! She only does it to make the dog jealous."
IF WOMEN RAN THE WORLD............. A man would no longer be considered a "good catch" simply because he is breathing....Medical research money would be spent on developing new birth control methods for men...Women with cold hands would give men prostate exams....Baby-sitting, doing dishes and making beds would be considered "Macho"....The hem of men's pants would go up or down depending on the economy....Men would be forced to purchase overpriced clothes every season....Minnie Mouse would get equal billing with Mickey.... Fewer women would be dieting because the ideal weight standard would increase by 40 pounds... Overweight men would be encouraged to wear girdles.... PMS would be a legitimate defense in court....Men would come with papers showing their true identity, marital and employment status, if they live with their mother, and whether they have had their shots... .....Shopping would be considered an aerobic activity...Men would get reputations for sleeping around... "Ms Magazine" would have an annual swimsuit issue featuring Scantily clad male models...Men who designed women's shoes would be forced to wear them.. Men would not be allowed to eat gas-producing foods within two hours of bedtime.... Men would be as attentive AFTER marriage as they were before...Men would be secretaries for female bosses, working twice as hard for none of the credit... Little girls would read "Snow White and the Seven Hunks"... Men would earn 70 cents for every dollar women make...Men would bring drinks, chips and dip to women watching soap operas...Men would HAVE to get Playboy for the articles, because there would be no pictures....Men would learn phrases like: "I'm sorry, I love you...You're beautiful....Of course you don't look fat in that outfit... Go to sleep -- I'll take care of the baby"...Men would be judged entirely by their looks, women by their accomplishments....Men would sit around and wonder what WE are thinking....Men would pay as much attention to their women as their cars....All toilet seats would be nailed down....Men would work on relationships as much as they work on their careers....TV news segments on sports would never run longer than one minute....All men would be forced to spend one month in a PMS simulator....Men would have their wedding rings permanently attached so they can't pretend to be single....During mid-life crisis, men would get hot-flashes and women would date 19-year old boys...... Overweight men would have their weight brought to their attention constantly...
DAILY PRAYER
Dear God, So far today, I've done all right. I haven't gossiped, lost my temper, been greedy or grumpy, been nasty, selfish or overindulgent. I'm very thankful for that.
But in a few minutes, God, I'm going to get out of bed. And from then on, I'm probably going to need a lot more help. Amen.
Jon bought two horses, and could never remember which was which. A neighbor suggested that he cut the tail of one horse and that worked great until the other horse got his tail caught in a bush. It tore just right and looked exactly like the other horse's tail and our friend was stuck again.
The neighbor suggested Jon notch the ear of one horse. That worked fine until the other horse caught his ear on a barbed wire fence. Once again our friend couldn't tell them apart.
The neighbor suggested he measure the horses for height. When he did, he was very pleased to find that the white horse was 2 inches taller than the black.What do you call four Mexicans, in quicksand?
(Answer) quatro cinco!
Two young engineers fresh out of college put in applications for an engineering position with a company. Both clients having the exact same qualifications, they were asked to take a test by the Department manager to help decide which one to hire. Upon completion of the test, both applicatnts had missed only one of the questions. After reviewing the tests, the manager decided to speak with the losing applican't first:
Manager: Thanks for your interest, but we have decided to give the position to the other applican't.
Applican't: Why would you do that? We both got 9 questions correct - why choose the other applican't over me?!
Manager: We have made our decision not based upon the correct answers, but on the question you missed.
Applican't: And just how would one incorrect answer be better than the other?
Manager: Simple. The other applican't put answered "I don't know" for question 5. Your answer was "Neither do I."There are 3 blond men on an island and mysticly a Genie appears. He gives the 3 all one wish. The first one says,"I wanna be smart." "POOF!" He was a redhead and swam off the island. The next one said,"I wanna be smarter than him." "POOF!" He was a brunette and made a raft and floated off the island. The third one said I wanna be smarter than both of them." "POOF!" He was a woman and walked across the bridge.
Points to Ponder
* What is the speed of dark? * When you're sending someone Styrofoam, what do you pack it in? * Why are there Braille signs on drive-up ATMs? * If women wear a pair of pants, a pair of glasses, and a pair of earrings, why don't they wear a pair of bras? * How come you never hear about gruntled employees? * What is a "free" gift? Aren't all gifts free? * After eating, do amphibians have to wait one hour before getting out of the water? * If white wine goes with fish, do white grapes go with sushi? * What's another word for synonym? * If someone with multiple personalities threatens to kill himself, is it considered a hostage situation? * When sign makers go on strike, what is written on their picket signs? * Why isn't there mouse-flavored cat food? * Why are builders afraid to have a 13th floor and planes don't have a row 13, but book publishers aren't afraid to have a Chapter 11? * How can there be self-help groups? * Why do you need a driver's license to buy liquor when you can't drink and drive? * Why are cigarettes sold in gas stations when smoking is prohibited there? * If a cow laughed, would milk come out her nose? * Why are there interstate highways in Hawaii? * Why is it that when you transport something by car, its called a shipment, but when you transport something by ship, its called cargo? * Why do we play in recitals and recite in plays? * Why isn't phonetic spelled the way it sounds? * Where are Preparations A through G? * Are there seeing eye humans for blind dogs? * If knees were backwards, what would chairs look like? * When you open a new bag of cotton balls, are you supposed to throw the top one away? * When your pet bird sees you reading the newspaper, does he wonder why you're just sitting there, staring at carpeting? * If an orange is orange, why isn't a lime called a green or a lemon called a yellow? * Why does your nose run, and your feet smell? * If olive oil comes from olives, where does baby oil come from? * Whenever I think of the past, it brings back so many memories... * There's a fine line between fishing and just standing on the shore like an idiot.. * How much deeper would the ocean be if sponges didn't live there? * What a nice night for an evening. * Did Washington just flash a quarter for his ID? * I live on a one-way dead-end street. * It doesn't matter what temperature a room is, it's always room temperature. * Yesterday, my eyeglass prescription ran out. * I was hitchhiking the other day and a hearse stopped. I said, "No thanks-I'm not going that far." * I played a blank tape on full volume. The mime who lives next door complained. * Why in a country of free speech, are there phone bills? * When a man talks dirty to a woman, it's sexual harassment. When a woman talks dirty to a man, it's $3.95 per minute.
A priest was called away for an
emergency. Not wanting to leave the confessional unmanned, he called a
rabbi friend up and asked him to cover for him. The rabbi told him he wouldn't
know what to say, but the priest told him to come on over and he'd stay
with him and show him what to do. The rabbi comes and he and the priest
are in the confessional. In a few minutes a woman comes in and says "Father
forgive me for I have sinned."
The priest asks "What did you
do?". The woman says "I committed adultery."Priest: "How many times?"
Woman: "Three times."
Priest: "Say two Hail Mary's,
put $5 in the box and go and sin no more."
A few minutes later another woman enters
the confessional. She says "Father forgive me for I have sinned."Priest: "What did you do?"
Woman: "I committed adultery."
Priest: "How many times?"
Woman: "Three times."
Priest: "Say two Hail Mary's,
put $5 in the box and go and sin no more."
The rabbi tells the priest that he
thinks he's got it so the priest leaves. A few minutes later another woman
enters and says "Father forgive me for I have sinned."Rabbi: "What did you do?"
Woman: "I committed adultery."
Rabbi: "How many times?"
Woman: "Just once."
Rabbi: "Go do it two more times.
We have a special this week, three for $5."
At a "Quik Stop" on the edge of town, I asked the lady behind the counter about the helmets. She exploded into a rage, yelling at me, "You silly Yankees never do read the Bible!"
I assured her that I did, but simply couldn't recall anything about firemen in the Bible.
She jerked her Bible from behind the counter and ruffled thru some pages, and finally jabbed her finger at a passage. Sticking it in my face she said "See, it says right here, 'The three wise man came from afar."
Joe again prays... "God, please let me win the lotto! I've lost my business, my house and I'm going to lose my car as well". Lotto night comes and Joe still has no luck. Once again, he prays... "My God, why have you forsaken me?? I've lost my business, my house, and my car. My wife and children are starving. I don't often ask you for help and I have always been a good servant to you. PLEASE just let me win the lotto this one time so I can get my life back in order." Suddenly there is a blinding flash of light as the heavens open and Joe is confronted by the voice of God Himself: "Joe, meet Me halfway on this. Buy a ticket."
Collections
Schneider applied to a finance agency
for a job, but he had no experience. He was so intense that the manager
gave him a tough account with the promise that if he collected it, he'd
get the job. Two hours later, Schneider came back with the entire amount.
"Amazing!" the manager said. "How did you do it?" "Easy,"
Schneider replied. "I told him if he didn't pay up, I'd tell all his
other creditors he paid us."
If Men Were to Rewrite "The Rules"
Rule # 1 Anything we said six or eight months ago is inadmissible in an argument. All comments become null and void after seven days.
Rule # 2 If you don't want to dress like Victoria's Secret girls, don't expect us to act like soap opera guys.
Rule # 3 If we say something that can be interpreted in two ways, and one of the ways makes you sad or angry, we meant the other way.
Rule # 4 It is in neither your best interest nor ours to make us take those stupid Cosmo quizzes together.
Rule # 5 Let us ogle. If we don't look at other women how can we know how pretty you are?
Rule # 6 Don't rub the lamp if you don't want the genie to come out.
Rule # 7 You can either ask us to do something OR tell us how you want it done -- not both.
Rule # 8 Whenever possible, please say whatever you have to say during commercials or time-outs.
Rule # 9 Christopher Columbus didn't need directions and neither do we.
Rule # 10 Women who wear Wonderbras and low-cut blouses lose their right to complain about having their chest stared at.
Rule # 11 When we're turning the wheel and the car is nosing onto the ramp, you saying "This is our exit" is not necessary.
Rule # 12 Don't fake it. We'd rather
be ineffective than deceived.
Dilbert's Rules For Work
* A pat on the back is only a few centimeters from a kick in the butt.
* Don't be irreplaceable, if you can't be replaced, you can't be promoted.
* It doesn't matter what you do, it only matters what you say you've done and what you're going to do.
* After any salary raise, you will have less money at the end of the mont= h than you did before.
* The more crap you put up with, the more crap you are going to get.
* You can go anywhere you want if you look serious and carry a clipboard.
* Eat one live toad the first thing in the morning and nothing worse will happen to you the rest of the day. * When the bosses talk about improving productivity, they are never talking about themselves.
* If at first you don't succeed, try again. Then quit. No use being a dam= n fool about it.
* There will always be beer cans rolling on the floor of your car when th= e boss asks for a ride home from the office.
* Keep your boss's boss off your boss's back.
* Everything can be filed under "miscellaneous."
* Never delay the ending of a meeting or the beginning of a cocktail hour.
* To err is human, to forgive is not our policy.
* Anyone can do any amount of work provided it isn't the work he/she is supposed to be doing.
* Important letters that contain no errors will develop errors in the mail.
* If you are good, you will be assigned all the work. If you are really good, you will get out of it.
* You are always doing something marginal when the boss drops by your desk.
* People who go to conferences are the ones who shouldn't.
* If it wasn't for the last minute, nothing would get done.
* At work, the authority of a person is inversely proportional to the number of pens that person is carrying.
* When you don't know what to do, walk fast and look worried.
* Following the rules will not get the job done.
* Getting the job done is no excuse for not following the rules.
* When confronted by a difficult problem you can solve it more easily by reducing it to the question, "How would the Lone Ranger handle this?"
* No matter how much you do, you never do enough.
* The last person that quit or was fired will be held responsible for everything that goes wrong.
Dear Pastor, I know God loves everybody but He never met my sister. Yours sincerely, Arnold. Age 8, Nashville.
Dear Pastor, Please say in your sermon that Peter Peterson has been a good boy all week. I am Peter Peterson. Sincerely,Pete. Age 9, Phoenix
Dear Pastor, My father should be a minister. Every day he gives us a sermon about something. Robert, Age 11,Anderson
Dear Pastor, I'm sorry I can't leave more money in the plate, but my father didn't give me a raise in my allowance. Could you have a sermon about a raise in my allowance? Love, Patty.Age 10, New Haven
Dear Pastor, My mother is very religious. She goes to play bingo at church every week even if she has a cold. Yours truly, Annette. Age 9, Albany
Dear Pastor, I would like to go to heaven someday because I know my brother won't be there. Stephen. Age 8, Chicago
Dear Pastor, I think a lot more people would come to your church if you moved it to Disneyland. Loreen. Age 9, Tacoma
Dear Pastor, I liked your sermon where you said that health is more important than money but I still want a raise in my allowance. Sincerely, Eleanor. Age 12, Sarasota
Dear Pastor, Please pray for all the airline pilots. I am flying to California tomorrow. Laurie. Age 10, New York City
Dear Pastor, I hope to go to heaven some day but later than sooner. Love, Ellen, age 9. Athens
Dear Pastor, Please say a prayer for our Little League team. We need God's help or a new pitcher. Thank you. Alexander. Age 10, Raleigh
Dear Pastor, My father says I should learn the Ten Commandments. But I don't think I want to because we have enough rules already in my house. Joshua. Age 10, South Pasadena
Dear Pastor, Who does God pray to? Is there a God for God? Sincerely, Christopher. Age 9, Titusville
Dear Pastor, Are there any devils on earth? I think there may be one in my class. Carla. Age 10, Salina
Dear Pastor, I liked your sermon on Sunday. Especially when it was finished. Ralph, Age 11, Akron
Dear Pastor, How does God know the good people from the
bad people? Do you tell Him or does He read about it in the newspapers?
Sincerely, Marie. Age 9, Lewiston
SOUTHERN RELIGION
Several churches in the South decided to hold revival
services. The leader was a Baptist and proud of his denomination. "How
many Baptists are here?" he asked on his first night of the revival.
All except one little lady raised their hands. "Lady, what are you?"
asked the minister. "I'm a Methodist," meekly replied the lady.
"Why are you a Methodist?" "Well, my grandparents were Methodists,
my mother was a Methodist, and my late husband was a Methoidst." "Well,"
retorted the leader, "just supposing all of your relatives had been
morons. What would that have made you?" "Oh, I see. A Baptist,
I suppose."
Four Catholic ladies were having coffee. The first Catholic woman tells her friends, "My son is a priest. When he walks into a room, everyone calls him 'Father'." The second Catholic woman chirps, "My son is a bishop. Whenever he walksinto a room, people call him 'Your Grace'." The third Catholic crone says, "My son is a cardinal. Whenever he walks into a room, he's called 'Your Eminence'." Since the fourth Catholic woman sips her coffee in silence, the first three women give her this subtle "Well...?" So she replies, "My son is 6'7"... he has plenty of money... broad square shoulders... terribly handsome... dresses very well... tight muscular body... tight hard buns... and whenever he walks into a room... women gasp, 'Oh, my God...'."
A man walks into a tee shirt store. There are 3 shirts on display. The first has a picture of Richard Nixon with a white mustache. Below the picture is titled "Got Milk."
The second tee shirt has a picture of Ronald Reagan with a white mustache. It is entitled "Forgot milk".
The third tee shirt has a picture of Monica Lewinsky with
a white mustache on it. It is entitled "Not Milk."
New twist to old joke:
The Zen Master goes up to the hot dog cart and says," Make me one with everything."
The hot dog vendor fixes a hot dog and hands it to the Zen Master, who pays with a $20 bill. The vendor puts the bill in the cash box and closes it.
"Where's my change?" asks the Zen Master. And
the vendor responds, "Change must come from within."
THINGS TO PONDER
1. I went to a bookstore and asked the saleswoman, "Where's
the self-help section?" She said if she told me, it would defeat the
purpose. 2. Why do they call it the Department of Interior when they are
in charge of everything outdoors? 3. Why doesn't glue stick to the inside
of the bottle? 4. Do Roman paramedics refer to IV's as "4's"?
5.. Why doesn't Tarzan have a beard? 6. If man evolved from monkeys and
apes, why do we still have monkeys and apes? 7. Should you trust a stockbroker
who's married to a travel agent? 8. Is boneless chicken considered to be
an invertebrate? 9. Do married people live longer than single people or
does it just SEEM longer? 10. If all those psychics know the winning lottery
numbers, why are they all still working? 11. Tell a man that there are
400 billion stars and he'll believe you. Tell him a bench has wet paint
and he has to touch it. 12. How come Superman could stop bullets with his
chest, but always ducked when someone threw a gun at him? 13. Why is
lemon juice mostly artificial ingredients but dishwashing liquid contains
real lemons? 14. Why buy a product that it takes 2000 flushes to get rid
of? 15. Why are they called apartments, when they're all stuck together?
16. Isn't the best way to save face to keep the lower part shut? 17. Sooner
or later, doesn't EVERYONE stop smoking?
WORDS FROM WOMEN..........
I 'm not offended by all the dumb blonde jokes because I know I'm not dumb...and I also know that I'm not blonde. - Dolly Parton
You see a lot of smart guys with dumb women, but you hardly ever see a smart woman with a dumb guy. - Erica Jong
I want to have children, but my friends scare me. One of my friends told me she was in labor for 36 hours. I don't even want to do anything that feels GOOD for 36 hours. - Rita Rudner
I figure that if the children are alive when I get home, I've done my job. - Roseanne
My husband and I are either going to buy a dog or have a child. We can't decide to ruin our carpet or ruin our lives. - Rita Rudner
I was on a date recently, and the guy took me horseback riding. That was kind of fun, until we ran out of quarters. - Susie Loucks
This guy says, "I'm perfect for you, 'cause I'm a cross between a macho and a sensitive man." I said, "Oh, a gay trucker?" - Judy Tenuta
He tricked me into marrying him. He told me he was pregnant - Carol Leifer
I've been on so many blind dates, I should get a free dog. - Wendy Liebman
Never lend your car to anyone to whom you have given birth. -Erma Bombeck
If high heels were so wonderful, men would be wearing them. - Sue Grafton
I'm not going to vacuum 'til Sears makes one you can ride on. - Roseanne
I would love to speak a foreign language, but I can't. So I grew hair under my arms instead. - Sue Kolinsky
I look just like the girls next door ... if you happen to live next door to an amusement park. - Dolly Parton
I found out why cats drink out of the toilet. My mother told me it's because it's cold in there. And I'm like: How did my mother know THAT? - Wendy Liebman
I think-therefore I'm single - Lizz Winstead "
Any girl can be glamorous. All you have to do is stand still and look stupid." - Hedy Lamarr
"When women are depressed they either eat or go shopping. Men invade another country." - Elayne Boosler
"I base most of my fashion taste on what doesn't itch." - Gilda Radner
"Behind every successful man is a surprised woman." - Maryon Pearson
"Our struggle today is not to have a female Einstein get appointed as an assistant professor. It is for a woman schlemiel to get as quickly promoted as a male schlemiel." - Bella Abzug
"In politics, if you want anything said, ask a man; if you want anything done, ask a woman." - Margaret Thatcher
"If I were going to convert to any religion I would probably choose Catholicism because it at least has female saints and the Virgin Mary." - Margaret Atwood
"I have yet to hear a man ask for advice on how to combine marriage and a career." - Gloria Steinhem
"Some of us are becoming the men we wanted to marry." - Gloria Steinhem
Sometimes I wonder if men and women really suit each other. Perhaps they should live next door and just visit now and then." - Katharine Hepburn
"I never married because there was no need. I have three pets at home which answer the same purpose as a husband. I have a dog which growls every morning, a parrot which swears all afternoon and a cat that comes home late at night." - Marie Corelli
"Nagging is the repetition of unpalatable truths." - Baroness Edith Summerskill
"If men can run the world, why can't they stop wearing neckties? How intelligent is it to start the day by tying a little noose around your neck?" - Linda Ellerbee
"I am a marvelous housekeeper. Every time I leave
a man I keep his house." - Zsa Zsa Gabor
REMEMBER WHEN.......
A COMPUTER WAS SOMETHING ON TV FROM A SCIENCE FICTION SHOW A WINDOW WAS SOMETHING YOU HATED TO CLEAN.... AND RAM WAS THE COUSIN OF A GOAT.....
MEG WAS THE NAME OF MY GIRLFRIEND AND GIG WAS YOUR MIDDLE FINGER UPRIGHT NOW THEY ALL MEAN DIFFERENT THINGS AND THAT REALLY MEGA BYTES
AN APPLICATION WAS FOR EMPLOYMENT A PROGRAM WAS A TV SHOW A CURSOR USED PROFANITY A KEYBOARD WAS A PIANO
MEMORY WAS SOMETHING THAT YOU LOST WITH AGE A CD WAS A BANK ACCOUNT AND IF YOU HAD A 3 1/2" FLOPPY YOU HOPED NOBODY FOUND OUT
COMPRESS WAS SOMETHING YOU DID TO THE GARBAGE NOT SOMETHING YOU DID TO A FILE AND IF YOU UNZIPPED ANYTHING IN PUBLIC YOU'D BE IN JAIL FOR A WHILE
LOG ON WAS ADDING WOOD TO THE FIRE HARD DRIVE WAS A LONG TRIP ON THE ROAD A MOUSE PAD WAS WHERE A MOUSE LIVED AND A BACKUP HAPPENED TO YOUR COMMODE
CUT YOU DID WITH A POCKET KNIFE PASTE YOU DID WITH GLUE A WEB WAS A SPIDER'S HOME AND A VIRUS WAS THE FLU
I GUESS I'LL STICK TO MY PAD AND PAPER AND THE MEMORY
IN MY HEAD I HEAR NOBODY'S BEEN KILLED IN A COMPUTER CRASH BUT WHEN IT
HAPPENS THEY WISH THEY WERE DEAD
Genuine Excerpts from Letters Sent to Landlords...
1. The toilet is blocked and we cannot bathe the children until it is cleared. 2. I want some repairs done to my stove as it has backfired and burnt my knob off. 3. This is to let you know that there is a smell coming from the man next door. 4. The toilet seat is cracked: where do I stand? 5. I am writing on behalf of my sink, which is running away from the wall. 6. I request your permission to remove my drawers in the kitchen. 7. Our lavatory seat is broken in half and is now in three pieces. 8. The person next door has a large erection in his back garden, which is unsightly and dangerous. 9. Will you please send someone to mend our cracked sidewalk? Yesterday my wife tripped on it and is now pregnant. 10. Our kitchen floor is very damp, we have two children and would like a third, so will you please send someone to do something about it? 11. Will you please send a man to look at my water? It is a funny color and not fit to drink. 12. Would you please send a man to repair my downspout? I am an old-age pensioner and need it straight away. 13. Could you please send someone to fix our bath tap? My wife got her toe stuck in it and it is very uncomfortable for us. 14. I want to complain about the farmer across the road. Every morning at 5:30 his cock wakes me up, and it is getting too much. 15. When the workmen were here, they put their tools in my wife's new drawers and made a mess. Please send men with clean tools to finish the job and keep my wife happy.
GOOD, BAD, WORSE
Good: Your hubby and you agree, no more kids. Bad : You Can't find your birth control pills. Worse: Your daughter borrowed them.
Good: Your son studies a lot in his room. Bad: You find several porn movies hidden there. Worse: You're in them.
Good: Your husband understands fashion. Bad : He's a cross dresser. Worse: He Looks better than you.
Good: Your son's finally maturing. Bad: He's involved with the woman next door. Worse: So are you.
Good: You give the birds and bees talk to your daughter Bad: She keeps interrupting. Worse: With corrections.
Good: Your wife's not talking to you. Bad: She wants a divorce. Worse: She's a lawyer.
Good: The postman's early Bad: He's wearing fatigues and carrying an AK47 Worse: You gave him nothing for Christmas last year.
What's the difference between a girlfriend and a wife? 45 lbs.
What's the difference between a boyfriend and a husband? 45 minutes
What is it when a man talks nasty to a woman? Sexual harassment.
What is it when a woman talks nasty to a man? $3.99 a
minute.
The Snap Decision
While driving down the road the motorist say a roadside stand which had a fortune teller sitting under an umbrella. She was just sitting there smiling and laughing. The motorist passed on by and went a couple of miles on down the road. All of a sudden he spun his car around and sped back toward the fortune teller. As he got closer to the still laughing fortune teller he began to slow down. He pulled up next to the woman and jumped out of his car and suddenly began slapping and beating her. A policeman passing by screeched to a stop and wrestled the man to the ground. After cuffing the man he stood him up and asked him, "What do you think you're doing?" After a moment the man replied, "Well, I've always wanted to strike a happy medium."
Short Thoughts for Fun!
"Did you ever walk in a room and forget why you walked in? I think that's how dogs spend their lives." [Sue Murphy]
"USA Today has come out with a new survey ..... Apparently three out of four people make up 75 percent of the population." [Dave Letterman]
"A lady came up to me on the street and pointed at my suede jacket. You know a cow was murdered for that jacket?" she sneered. I replied in a psychotic tone, "I didn't know there were any witnesses. Now I'll have to kill you too." [Jaka Johansen]
"Ever wonder if illiterate people get the full effect
of alphabet soup?" [John Mendoza]
Propriety Dilemma A little girl was in church with her mother when she started feeling ill. "Mommy," she said, "can we leave now?" "No" her mother replied. "Well, I think I'm gonna be sick, Momma!" "Then go out the front door and around to the back of the church and then behind a bush." After about 60 seconds the little girl returned to her seat. "Were you sick?" her mom asked. "Yes." "How could you have gone all the way to the back of the church and returned so quickly?" "I didn't have to go out of the church, Mommy. They have a box next to the front door that says, 'For the Sick'."
A little boy opened the big old family Bible and with fascination, he looked at the old pages as he turned them. Then something fell out of the Bible and he picked it up and looked at it closely. It was an old leaf from a tree that had been pressed in be- tween the pages. "Momma, look what I found," the boy called out. "What have you got there?" his mother asked. With astonishment in the young boy's voice he answered: "It's Adam's suit!"
Julie, the blonde, just got out of the tanning salon. She was getting pretty desperate for money. She decided to go to the nicer, richer neighborhoods around town and look for odd jobs as a handywoman. Well, the first house she came to, a man answered the door and told Julie, "Yeah, I have a job for you. to paint the porch?" "Sure, that sounds great!" said Julie. "Well, uh, how much do you want me to pay you?" asked the man. "Is fifty bucks alright?" Julie asked. "Yeah that's great. You'll find the paint and ladders you'll need in the garage." The man went back into his house to his wife who had been listening. "Fifty bucks! Does she know the porch goes all the way around the house?" asked the wife. "Well she must, she was standing right on it!" her husband replied. About 15 minutes later, Julie knocked on the door. "I'm all finished," she told the surprised homeowner. The man was amazed. "You painted the whole porch?" "Yeah," Julie replied, "I even had some paint left, so I put on two coats!" The man reached into his wallet to pay Julie. "Oh, by the way," said Julie, "that's not a Porch, it's a Ferrari."
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The local sleazy car dealer, who was known to have taken advantage of several people in the community, informed a farmer he was coming over to purchase a cow. When he arrived, he had a bit of "sticker shock" at the sight of the information the farmer attached to the cow:
Basic cow .....................................................$499.95
Extra stomachs ................................................79.25
Two ton exterior ............................................142.10
Heavy duty straw chopper .............................189.60
Milk production system ..................................375.13
Produce storage compartment .......................126.50
Four spigot high output drain system .............149.20
Automatic fly swatter .......................................88.50
Genuine cowhide upholstery .........................179.90
Deluxe dual horns ...........................................59.25
Automatic fertilizer attachment ......................339.40
4+4 traction drive assembly ............................884.16
Pre-delivery wash and detailing ......................69.80
Destination Charge .........................................395.00
Tax, license and title ......................................306.63
Total list Price..............................................$3,884.41
WHAT EVERY MAN EXPECTS IN A WIFE
* She will always be beautiful and cheerful.
* She could marry a movie star, but wants only you.
* She will have hair that never needs curlers or beauty shops.
* Her beauty won't run in a rainstorm.
* She will never be sick -- just allergic to jewelry and fur coats.
* She will insist that moving the furniture by herself is good for her figure.
* She will be an expert in cooking, cleaning house, fixing the car or TV, painting the house, and keeping quiet.
* Her favorite hobbies will be mowing the lawn and shoveling snow.
* She will hate charge cards.
* Her favorite expression will be, "What can I do for you, dear?"
* She will think you have Einstein's brain but look like Mr. America.
* She will wish you would go out with the boys so that she could get some sewing done.
* She will love you because you're so sexy.
WHAT HE USUALLY GETS* She speaks 140 words a minute, with gusts up to 180.
* She was once a model for a totem pole. * Where there's smoke, there she is -- cooking.
* She's a light eater. Once it gets light, she starts eating.
* She lets you know you only have two faults. Everything you do, and everything you say.
* No matter what she does with it, her hair looks like an explosion in a steel wool factory.
* If you get lost, open your wallet and she'll find you.
BIZARREIn Ohio, an unidentified man in his late twenties walked into a police station with a 9-inch wire protruding from his forehead, and calmly asked officers to give him an X-ray to help him find his brain, which he claimed had been stolen. Police were shocked to learn that the man had drilled a 6-inch deep hole in his skull with a Black & Decker power drill, and stuck the wire in to try and find the missing brain...
Members of the First Church of the Nazarene in Ironton, Ohio, held a record burning after evangelist Jim Brown told them that the song "A Horse is a Horse" -- the theme song from the Mr. Ed show -- contained satanic messages when played backwards...
Pierre Beaumard, a French factory worker suffering from various obsessional fears and an inability to relate to others, decided to join a therapy group. Mr. Beaumard was encouraged to sandwich himself between two matresses, and allow other group members to walk on him to "stamp out his complexes." After several minutes of this treatment, Beaumard was crushed to death...
In a related story, 9-year-old Derek Hume was run over by a 1 ton concrete roller. The boy escaped without a bruise, however, because the massive cylinder pressed him into the rain-soaked earth... he's just lucky he wasn't sandwiched between mattresses...
Richard Avella, a 350 pound New York man, entered a Long Island jewelry store, drew a gun, and told the clerk, "This is a stickup," then tripped and fell to the floor. He was unable to get up before police arrived...
Officials from the Occupational Safety and Health Administration inspected their own offices and cited themselves on three safely violations...and if I don't get this taken care of right away, I'm going to have to shut me down...
When his . 38 caliber revolver failed to fire at his intended victim during a holdup in Long Beach, California, robber James Eliot peered down the barrel and tried it again. This time, it worked...
Ron Hoffman of Crystal, Kentucky, picked up a machete and lopped off the red roof light of a Pennsylvania state police cruiser. After his arrest, Hoffman explained it was "just something he always wanted to do..."
A Toronto gas station attendant had no trouble identifying a robber for police, even though the man had worn a pair of women's panties over his head as a disguise. The thief, who later admitted that his mind was clouded by intoxican'ts, had stuck his face through one of the leg-holes so he could see...
Francis Karnes, a 39-year-old man in Sacramento, California, was charged with reckless endangerment after he pulled a gun and shot his lawnmower when it wouldn't start ... and of course, you heard about those awful chainsaw massacres in Texas...
Police in Morecomb, England, report that a human foot washed up on the beach matched another foot found a month earlier at another location. The rest of the unidentified victim has not been found... but he couldn't have gotten far...
A 37-year-old California man reported to police that an intruder dressed in black a carrying a big knife broke into his home, forced him to smoke two packs of Pall Mall Golds, then left...
In a sad story from Boston, a giant 30 pound lobster was being weighed before its donation to the city aquarium, when it fell off the scale and died. The giant lobster's shell was irreparably cracked. "We're devastated," said a spokesman for the aquarium... so are we... now where's the cocktail sauce?
And this just in...French farmer Michael LeMond shot himself in the foot when he opened fire on what he thought was a ghost... nope, it's a foot alright...
Workmen in Rome, digging gravel for ballast, were instructed to dig from one central pit so as not to spoil the site with too many holes. They unearthed an ancient plaque inscribed in Latin, which turned out to be a sign intended for workman digging ballast for Roman ships. It instructed them to dig from a central pit so as not to spoil the site with too many holes...
In our Likely Story department this week, the crew of a trawler that sank in the Sea of Japan claimed their ship went down after "being struck by a cow which fell out of the clear blue sky." According to Flying magazine, no one believed this absurd explanation -- except the Russian military. It seems that the crew of a military cargo jet had stolen a cow they found wandering on a Siberian airfield, and loaded it aboard. While cruising at 30,000 feet, the terrified cow ran amok and jumped out of the plane...
Police in Oakland, California spent two hours attempting to subdue a gunman who had barricaded himself inside his home. After firing ten tear gas canisters, officers discovered that the man was standing beside them, shouting pleas to come out and give himself up...
Our Nice Try Award this week goes to the Miami Beach attorney who entered a 'not guilty' plea for his client based on astrological forces. The lawyer maintained that the position of the stars at the time of his client's birth caused him to break into a couple's home, tie them up and threaten them, and walk out with a brassiere on his head...
In the Netherlands, an airline pilot has been sentenced to four months in jail. Wim de Nijs was convicted of jamming the air traffic control frequency and jeopardizing airport safety, by singing the "Flintstones" theme over the radio for 20 minutes while landing his plane...
Florida motorists are watching their rearview mirrors this week after an appellate court ruled that rectal searches by police are legal. According to the Fifth District Court of Appeals, the removal of 54 grams of cocaine from a suspect's rectum by a member of the Orange County highway drug squad was "part of a legal patdown to make sure the man wasn't armed..." America, land of the free, home of the rectal patdown...
EC Stewart, Jr. may never get out of jail after the Levelland, Texas District Attorney recommended last week that his bail be set at "a zillion dollars." The judge agreed...
In Clearwater, Florida, a 70-year-old man was killed while sunbathing in a lounge chair at the beach, when a bulldozer ran over him... hey, we asked him to move...
A 73-year-old Milwaukee woman has lost her suit against the local Catholic Church, after an electronic scoreboard fell on her during a bingo game in 1990. Mary Verdev was asking for $90,000 in damages, claiming that since the incident she experiences spontaneous orgasms, sometimes in "clusters"... b-b- b-b-bingo!
SURGEON GENERAL'S WARNING: Harassing Me About My Smoking Could Be Hazardous To Your Health
Why can't you tell blondes knock-knock jokes? Because they go answer the door.
"Only good girls keep diaries. Bad girls don't have time." Tallulah Bankhead
"I told my mother-in-law that my house was her house, and she said, `Get the hell off my property.'' Joan Rivers
ATTENTION CHILDREN!!! Tired of your stupid parents always harrassing you? ACT NOW!! Move out, get a job, pay your own bills while you still know everything.
God: "Whew! I just created a 24-hour period of alternating light and darkness of Earth." Angel: "What are you going to do now?" God: "Call it a day."
On her eightieth birthday, a woman from Brooklyn decides to prepare her last will and testament. She goes to her rabbi to make two final requests. First, she insists on cremation. "What is your second request?" the rabbi asks. "I want my ashes scattered over Blomingdales." "Why Bloomingdales?" "Then I'll be sure my daughters visit me twice a week."
While other people go to church every Sunday morning, Charles, a farmer, likes to sit in the village restaurant drinking wine. One day the priest said to him, "Charles, I'm afraid we shall not see each other in heaven." A worried Charles replied, "But, Father, what on earth have you done?"
What do you do if you find your husband staggering around in the back yard? You shoot him again!!
A Code Of Ethical Behavior For Patients
1. Do not expect your doctor to share your discomfort. Involvement with the patient's suffering might cause him to lose valuable scientific objectivity. 2. Be cheerful at all times. Your doctor leads a busy and trying life and requires all the gentleness and reassurance he can get. 3. Try to suffer from the disease for which you are being treated. Remember that your doctor has a professional reputation to uphold. 4. Do not complain if the treatment fails to bring relief. You must believe that your doctor has achieved a deep insight into the true nature of your illness, which transcends any mere permanent disability you may have experienced. 5. Never ask your doctor to explain what he is doing or why he is doing it. It is presumptuous to assume that such profound matters could be explained in terms that you would understand. 6. Submit to novel experimental treatment readily. Though the surgery may not benefit you directly, the resulting research paper will surely be of widespread interest. 7. Pay your medical bills promptly and willingly. You should consider it a privilege to contribute, however modestly, to the well-being of physicians and other humanitarians. 8. Do not suffer from ailments that you cannot afford. It is sheer arrogance to contract illnesses that are beyond your means. 9. Never reveal any of the shortcomings that have come to light in the course of treatment by your doctor. The patient-doctor relationship is a privileged one, and you have a sacred duty to protect him from exposure. 10. Never die while in your doctor's presence or under his direct care. This will only cause him needless inconvenience and embarrassment.
Jesus and Satan have an argument as to who is the better programmer. This goes on for a few hours until they come to an agreement to hold contest, with God as the judge. They set themselves before their computers and begin. They type furiously, lines of code streaming up the screen, for several hours straight. Seconds before the end of the competition, a bolt of lightning strikes, taking out the electricity. Moments later, the power is restored, and God announces that the contest is over. He asks Satan to show what he has come up with. Satan is visibly upset, and cries, "I have nothing. I lost it all when the power went out." "Very well, then," says God, "let us see if Jesus fared any better." Jesus enters a command, and the screen comes to life in vivid display, the voices of an angelic choir pour forth from the speakers. Satan is astonished. He stutters, "B-b-but how?! I lost everything, yet Jesus' program is intact! How did he do it?" God chuckles, "Everybody knows... Jesus saves."
Income Tax Case
It has been reported that there is an income tax case before the Supreme Court. The case is between a Rabbi and the IRS. The Rabbi claims that all the income he derives from circumcisions is tax deductible as "severance pay." The IRS however, claims that all the income is taxable because the income is derived from "tips."
A programming student was walking on campus one day when another programming student rode up on a shiny new bicycle.
"Where did you get such a nice bike?" asked the first.
The second student replied "Well, yesterday I was walking along minding my own business when a beautiful woman rode up on this bike. She threw the bike to the ground, took off all her clothes and said 'Take what you want!'"
The first student nodded approvingly, "Good choice, the clothes probably wouldn't have fit.
The following is taken from a Florida newspaper: this is too much,
A man was working on his motorcycle on his patio and his wife was in the house in the kitchen. The man was racing the engine on the motorcycle and somehow, the motorcycle slipped into gear. The man, still holding the handlebars, was dragged through a glass patio door and the motorcycle dumped onto the floor inside the house. The wife, hearing the crash, ran into the dining room, and found her husband laying on the floor, cut and bleeding, the motorcycle laying next to him and the patio door shattered.
The wife ran to the phone and summoned an ambulance.
Because they lived on a fairly large hill, the wife went down the several flights of long steps to the street to direct the paramedics to her husband.
After the ambulance arrived and transported the husband to the hospital, the wife up righted the motorcycle and pushed it outside. Seeing that gas had spilled on the floor, the wife obtained some papers towels, blotted up the gasoline, and threw the towels in the toilet.
The husband was treated at the hospital and was released to come home. After arriving home, he looked at the shattered patio door and the damage done to his motorcycle. He became despondent, went into the bathroom, sat on the toilet and smoked a cigarette. After finishing the cigarette, he flipped it between his legs into the toilet bowl while still seated.
The wife, who was in the kitchen, heard a loud explosion and her husband screaming. She ran into the bathroom and found her husband laying on the floor. His trousers had been blown away and he was suffering burns on the buttocks, the back of his legs and his groin. The wife again ran to the phone and called for an ambulance. The same ambulance crew was dispatched and the wife met them at the street. The paramedics loaded the husband on the stretcher and began carrying him to the street.
While they were going down the stairs to the street accompanied by the wife, one of the paramedics asked the wife how the husband had burned himself. She told them and the paramedics started laughing so hard, one of them tipped the stretcher and dumped the husband out. He fell down the remaining steps and broke his arm.
Now THAT is a bad day...
the difference between a bad day at the golf course and a bad day sky diving
BAD DAY AT THE GOLF COURSE: SPLAT "OH SHIT"
BAD DAY SKY DIVING: "OH SHIT" SPLAT
IDIOTS AT WORK. Sign in a gas station: Coke --49 cents. Two for a dollar. I was signing the receipt for my credit card purchase when the clerk noticed that I had never signed my name on the back of the credit card. She informed me that she could not complete the transaction unless the card was signed. When I asked why, she explained that it was necessary to compare the signature on the credit card with the signature I just signed on the receipt. So I signed the credit card in front of her. She carefully compared that signature to the one I signed on the receipt. As luck would have it, they matched.
IDIOTS & GEOGRAPHY After interviewing a particularly short-spoken job candidate, I described the person to my boss as rather monosyllabic. My boss said, "Really? Where is Monosyllabia?" Thinking that he was just kidding, I played along and said that it was just south of Elbonia. He replied, "Oh, you mean over by Croatia?"
ADVICE FOR IDIOTS An actual tip from page 16 of the HP "Environmental, Health & Safety Handbook for Employees:""Blink your eyelids periodically to lubricate your eyes."
IDIOTS IN THE NEIGHBORHOOD I live in a semi-rural area. We recently had a new neighbor call the local township administrative office to request the removal of the Deer Crossing sign on our road. The reason: Many deer were being hit by cars and he no longer wanted them to cross there.
IDIOTS & COMPUTERS My neighbor works in the operations department in the central office of a large bank. Employees in the field call him when they have problems with their computers. One night he got a call from a woman in one of the branch banks who had this question: "I've got smoke coming from the back of my terminal. Do you guys have a fire downtown?"
IDIOTS ARE EASY TO PLEASE I was sitting in my science class, when the teacher commented that the next day would be the shortest day of the year. My lab partner became visibly excited, cheering and clapping. I explained to her that the amount of daylight changes, not the actual amount of time. Needless to say, she was very disappointed.
IDIOTS IN FOOD SERVICE My daughter went to a local Taco Bell and ordered a taco. She asked the individual behind the counter for "minimal lettuce." He said he was sorry, but they only had iceberg.
Politically Correct Female Descriptions
She does not: GET PMS She becomes: HORMONALLY HOMICIDAL She does not have: A KILLER BODY She is: TERMINALLY ATTRACTIVE She is not: A BAD COOK She is: MICROWAVE COMPATIBLE She is not: A BAD DRIVER She is: AUTOMOTIVELY CHALLENGED She is not a: PERFECT 10 She is: NUMERICALLY SUPERIOR She is not: EASY She is: HORIZONTALLY ACCESSIBLE She does not: HATE SPORTS ON TV She is: ATHLETICALLY BIASED She does not have: SEXY LIPS She is: COLLAGEN DEPENDENT She does not get: DRUNK She is: ACCIDENTALLY OVER-SERVED You do not ask her: TO DANCE You request a: PRE-COITAL RHYTHMIC EXPERIENCE She is not: A GOSSIP She is a: VERBAL TERMINATOR She does not: WORK OUT TOO MUCH She is an: ABDOMINAL OVERACHIEVER She does not have: A GREAT BUTT She is: GLUTEUS TO THE MAXIMUS She is not: HOOKED ON SOAP OPERAS She is: MELODRAMATICALLY FIXATED She is not: COLD OR FRIGID She is: THERMALLY INCOMPATIBLE She does not: WEAR TOO MUCH MAKE-UP She is: COSMETICALLY OVERSATURATED She does not have: GREAT CLEAVAGE (A GREAT RACK) Her breasts are: CENTRALLY LOCATED She will never: GAIN WEIGHT She will become: A METABOLIC UNDERACHIEVER She is not: A SCREAMER OR MOANER She is: VOCALLY APPRECIATIVE She does not: SHAVE HER LEGS She experiences: TEMPORARY STUBBLE REDUCTION She does not have: A HARD BODY She is: ANATOMICALLY INFLEXIBLE She does not: SUN BATHE She experiences: SOLAR ENHANCEMENT Her breast will never: SAG They will: LOSE THEIR VERTICAL HOLD She does not: SHOP TOO MUCH She is: OVERLY SUSCEPTIBLE TO MARKETING PLOYS She does not: CUT YOU OFF She becomes: HORIZONTALLY INACCESSIBLE She does not have: BIG HAIR She is: OVERLY AEROSOLED She does not: SNORE She is: NASALLY REPETITIVE She does not: GET DRUNK She becomes: VERBALLY DYSLEXIC She does not have: BIG HOOTERS Her: CUPS RUNNETH OVER She is not: TOO SKINNY She is: SKELETALLY PROMINENT
Old Sayings With A New Twist
Follow your dream! Unless it's the one where you're at work in your underwear during a fire drill.
Do not walk behind me, for I may not lead. Do not walk ahead of me, for I may not follow. Do not walk beside me, either, Just leave me the hell alone.
If you don't like my driving, don't call anyone. Just take another road. That's why the highway department made so many of them.
If a motorist cuts you off, just turn the other cheek. Nothing gets the message across like a good mooning.
It's always darkest before dawn. So if you're going to steal the neighbor's newspaper, that's the time to do it.
A handy telephone tip: Keep a small chalkboard near the phone. That way, when a salesman calls, you can hold the receiver up to it and run your fingernails across it until he hangs up.
Each day I try to enjoy something from each of the four food groups: the bonbon group, the salty-snack group, the caffeine group, and the "whatever-the-thing-in-the-tinfoil-in-the-back-of-the- fridge-is" group.The Perfect Man.....Mr. Potato Head... (He's tan...he's cute....and if he looks at another girl, you can rearrange his face.)
Small Truths and Ponderables
Nobody will ever win the battle of the sexes. There's too much fraternizing with the enemy.
A baby first laughs at the age of four weeks. By that time his eyes focus well enough to see you clearly. Drive carefully. It's not only cars that can be recalled by their maker.
Don't worry about the world ending today... It's already tomorrow in Australia.
Character is what you are. Reputation is what people think you are.
Thousands of years ago, cats were worshipped as gods. Cats have never forgotten this.
A man usually feels better after a few winks, especially if she winks back.
Friends may come and go, but enemies accumulate.
A man who says marriage is a 50-50 proposition doesn't understand two things: 1 - Women, 2 - Fractions.
The facts, although interesting, are irrelevant.
There is always one more imbecile than you counted on.
The only gracious way to accept an insult is to ignore it. If you can't ignore it, top it. If you can't top it, laugh at it. If you can't laugh at it, it's probably deserved.
He who hesitates is sometimes saved.
The only difference between a rut and a grave is the depth.
Subject: Things that make you say HMMMMMM
* Why doesn't Tarzan have a beard?
* It's a dog eat dog world out there. And they're short on napkins.
* Don't sweat the petty things and don't pet the sweaty things. * One tequila, two tequila, three tequila, floor.
* Atheism is a nonprophet organization.
* If man evolved from monkeys and apes, why do we still have monkeys and apes?
* The main reason Santa is so jolly is because he knows where all the bad girls live.
* Never trust a stockbroker who's married to a travel agent.
* Those who live by the sword get shot by those who don't.
* Is boneless chicken considered to be an invertebrate?
* On the other hand, you have different fingers.
* I went to a bookstore and asked the saleswoman, "Where's the self-help section?" She said if she told me, it would defeat the purpose.
If all those psychics know the winning lottery numbers, why are they all still working?
My wife came home yesterday and said, "Honey, the car won't start, but I know what the problem is." I asked her what it was and she told me it has water in the carburetor. I thought for a moment, then said, "You know I don't mean this badly, but you don't know the carburetor from the accelerator." "No, there's definitely water in the carburetor" she insisted. "OK, Honey, that's fine, I'll just go take a look. Where is it?" "In the lake."
Facts about Marriage
A successful man is one who makes more money than his wife can spend. A successful woman is one who can find such a man.
Marriage is a three ring circus: engagement ring wedding ring suffering Before marriage, a man yearns for the woman he loves. After marriage, the "y" becomes silent.
When a newly married couple smiles, everyone knows why. When a ten-year married couple smiles, everyone wonders why.
My girlfriend told me I should be more affectionate. So I got two girlfriends.
A man meets a genie. The genie tells him he can have whatever he wants provided that his mother-in-law gets double. The man thinks for a moment and then says, "OK, give me a million dollars and beat me half to death."
Men who have pierced ears are better prepared for marriage. They've experienced pain and bought jewelry.
How do most men define marriage? A very expensive way to get your laundry done free.
A little boy asked his father, "Daddy, how much does it cost to get married?" And the father replied, "I don't know, son, I'm still paying for it."
A couple was having a discussion about family finances. Finally the husband exploded, "If it weren't for my money, the house wouldn't be here!" The wife replied, "My dear, if it weren't for your money, I wouldn't be here."
A man said his credit card was stolen but he decided not to report it because the thief was spending less than his wife did.
Love is blind but marriage is an eye-opener.
The most effective way to remember your wife's birthday is to forget it once.
When a man opens the door of his car for his wife, you can be sure of one thing: either the car is new or the wife is.
Little Mary was attending a wedding for the first time. As she sat in the church, she watched the bride slowly approach the alter. Mary whispered to her mother, "Why is the bride dressed in white?"
"Because white is the color of happiness, and today is the happiest day of her life," her mother tried to explain, keeping it simple.
The child thought about this for a moment, then said....
"So why is the groom wearing black?"Cowboy logic
There's two theories to arguin' with a woman. Neither one works.
- If you get to thinkin' you're a person of some influence, try orderin' somebody else's dog around.
- If you find yourself in a hole the first thing to do is stop diggin'.
- Never smack a man who's chewin' tobacco.
- It doesn't take a genius to spot a goat in a flock of sheep.
- Never ask a barber if he thinks you need a haircut.
- Good judgement comes from experience, and a lot of that comes from bad judgment.
- Always drink upstream from the herd.
- When you give a lesson in meanness to a critter or a person, don't be suprised if they learn their lesson.
- When you're throwin' your weight around, be ready to have it thrown around by somebody else.
- Lettin' the cat outta the bag is a whole lot easier 'n puttin' it back.
- Always take a good look at what you're about to eat. It's not so important to know what it is, but it's critical to know what it was.
- The quickest way to double your money is to fold it over and put it back in your pocket.
- A smart ass just doesn't fit in a saddle.
- Never miss good chance to shut up.
Simple rules chicks don't know
1. Learn to work the toilet seat: if it is up put it down.
2. Don't cut your hair. Ever.
3. Don't make us guess.
4. If you ask a question you don't want an answer to, expect an answer you don't want to hear.
5. Sometimes, he's not thinking about you. Live with it.
6. He's never thinking about "The Relationship".
7. Get rid of your cat. And no, it's not different, it's just like every other cat.
8. Dogs are better than ANY cats. Period.
9. Sunday=Sports. It's like the full moon or the changing of the tides. Let it be.
10. Shopping is not everybody's idea of a good time.
11. Anything you wear is fine.
12. You have enough clothes.
13. You have too many shoes.
14. Crying is blackmail. Use it if you must, but don't expect us to like it.
15. Your brother is an idiot.
16. Ask for what you want. Subtle hints don't work.
17. No, he doesn't know what day it is. He will never know. Mark anniversaries on a calendar.
18. Share the bathroom.
19. Share the closet.
20. Yes and no are pefectly acceptable answers.
21. A headache that lasts for 17 months is a problem. See a doctor.
22. Nothing says 'I love you' like a bl____b in the morning.
23. Foreign films are best left to foreigners.
24. Check your oil.
25. Don't give us 50 rules when 25 will do.
26. Don't fake it. We'd rather be ineffective than deceived.
27. It is neither your interest nor ours to take the quiz together.
28. Anything we said 6 or 8 months ago is inadmissible in an argument. All comments become null and void after 7 days.
29. If you don't dress like the Victoria Secret's girls, don't expect us to act like soap opera guys.
30. If something we said can be interpreted in 2 ways, and one of them make you sad and angry, we meant the other one.
31. Let us ogle. If we don't look at other women, how can we know how pretty you are?
32. Don't rub the lamp if you don't wnt the genie to come out.
33. You can either ask us to do something OR tell us how you want it done-not both.
34. Whenever possible, please say whatever you have to say during commercials.
35. Christopher Columbus didn't need directions, and neither do we.
36. Women wearing Wonderbras and low-cut blouses lose their right to complain about having their boobs stared at.
37. When we're turning the wheel and the car is nosing onto the off-ramp, you saying, " This is our exit," is not strictly necessary.
To my fellow girls who I am sending this to: I just find humor in it and couldn't help but pass it on.
...Will the Real Dummy Please Stand Up?!
AT&T fired President John Walter after nine months, saying he lacked "intellectual leadership". He received a $26 million severance package. Perhaps it's not Walter who's lacking intelligence...
...With a Little Help from Our Friends! Police in Oakland, California spent two hours attempting to subdue a gunman who had barricaded himself inside his home. After firing ten tear gas canisters, officers discovered that the man was standing beside them, shouting pleas to come out and give himself up...
...And What Was Plan B? An Illinois man pretending to have a gun kidnapped a motorist and forced him to drive to two different automated teller machines. The kidnapper then proceeded to withdraw money from his own bank accounts...
...And These Nitwits Are Teaching Our Children?!! A 9-year-old boy in Manassas, Virginia received a one-day suspension under his elementary school's drug policy last week - for Certs! Joey Hoeffer allegedly told a classmate that the mints would make him "jump higher."
And a student in Belle, West Virginia was suspended for three days for giving a classmate a cough drop. School principal Forest Mann reiterated the school's "zero-tolerance" policy...not to be confused with the "zero-intelligence" policy...
..Some Days, It Just Doesn't Pay to Gnaw Through the Straps... Fire investigators on Maui have determined the cause of a blaze that destroyed a $127,000 home last month a short in the homeowner's newly installed fire prevention alarm system. "This is even worse than last year," said the distraught homeowner, "when someone broke in and stole my new security system..."
... And for the Main Course... A man in Taormina, Italy was hospitalized after swallowing 46 teaspoons, 2 cigarette lighters, and a pair of salad tongs.
...The Getaway A man walked in to a Topeka, Kansas Kwik Shop, and asked for all the money in the cash drawer. Apparently, the take was too small, so he tied up the store clerk and worked the counter himself for three hours until police showed up and grabbed him.
...Do-It-Yourself Brain Surgery?! In Ohio, an unidentified man in his late twenties walked into a police station with a 9-inch wire protruding from his forehead and calmly asked officers to give him an X-ray to help him find his brain, which he claimed had been stolen. Police were shocked to learn that the man had drilled a 6-inch deep hole in his skull with a Black & Decker power drill and had stuck the wire in to try and find the missing brain.
...Have I Got a Deal for You! More than 600 people in Italy wanted to ride in a spaceship badly enough to pay $10,000 a piece for the first tourist flight to Mars. According to the Italian police, the would-be space travelers were told to spend their "next vacation on Mars, amid the splendors of ruined temples and painted deserts. Ride a Martian camel from oasis to oasis and enjoy the incredible Martian sunsets. Explore mysterious canals and marvel at the views. Trips to the moon also available." Authorities believe that the con men running this scam made off with over six million dollars...
...Too Well-Educated In Medford, Oregon, a 27-year-old jobless man with an MBA blamed his college degree for his murder of three people. "There are too many business grads out there," he said. "If I had chosen another field, all this may not have happened..."
...Did I Say That?! Police in Los Angeles had good luck with a robbery suspect who just couldn't control himself during a lineup. When detectives asked each man in the lineup to repeat the words, "Give me all your money or I'll shoot," the man shouted, "That's not what I said!"
...Ouch, That Smarts! A bank robber in Virginia Beach got a nasty surprise when a dye pack designed to mark stolen money exploded in his Fruit-of-the-Looms. The robber apparently stuffed the loot down the front of his pants as he was running out the door. "He was seen hopping and jumping around," said police spokesman Mike Carey, "with an explosion taking place inside his pants." Police have the man's charred trousers in custody...
...Are We Not Communicating? A man spoke frantically into the phone: "My wife is pregnant and her contractions are only two minutes apart!" "Is this her first child?" the doctor asked. "No, you idiot!" the man shouted. "This is her husband!"
...Not the Sharpest Knife in the Drawer! In Modesto, CA, Steven Richard King was arrested for trying to hold up a Bank of America branch without a weapon. King used a thumb and a finger to simulate a gun, but unfortunately, he failed to keep his hand in his pocket. Hmmm...wonder what he uses for a knife?
TEXAS RULES OF ETIQUETTE & PERSONAL HYGIENE
1. While ears need to be cleaned regularly, this is a job that should be done in private using one's OWN truck keys. 2. Proper use of toiletries can forestall bathing for several days. However, if you live alone, deodorant is a waste of good money. 3. Dirt and grease under the fingernails is a social no-no, as they tend to detract from a woman's jewelry and alter the tastes of finger foods.
DINING OUT 1. When decan'ting wine, make sure that you tilt the paper cup, and pour slowly so as not to "bruise" the fruit of the vine. 2. If drinking directly from the bottle, always hold it with your fingers covering the label.
ENTERTAINING IN YOUR HOME 1. A centerpiece for the table should never be anything prepared by a taxidermist. 2. Do not allow the dog to eat at the table...no matter how good his manners are.
DATING (Outside the Family) 1. Always offer to bait your date's hook, especially on the first date. 2. Be aggressive. Let her know you're interested: "I've been wanting to go out with you since I read that stuff on the bathroom wall two years ago." 3. Establish with her parents what time she is expected back. Some will say 10:00 PM; others might say "Monday." If the latter is the answer, it is the man's responsibility to get her to school on time.
THEATER ETIQUETTE 1. Crying babies should be taken to the lobby and picked up immediately after the movie has ended. 2. Refrain from talking to characters on the screen. Tests have proven they can't hear you.
WEDDINGS 1. Livestock, usually, is a poor choice for a wedding gift. 2. Kissing the bridesmaids for more than 5 seconds each may get you shot. 3. For the groom, at least, rent a tux. A leisure suit with a cumberbun and a clean bowling shirt can create a tacky appearance. 4. Though uncomfortable, say "yes" to socks and shoes for this special occasion.
DRIVING ETIQUETTE 1. Dim your headlights for approaching vehicles - even if the gun is loaded, and the deer is in sight. 2. When approaching a four-way stop, the vehicle with the largest tires always has the right of way. 3. Never tow another car using pantyhose and duct tape. 4. When sending your wife down the road with a gas can, it is impolite to ask her to bring back beer. 5. Never relieve yourself from a moving vehicle, especially when driving. 6. Do not lay rubber while traveling in a funeral procession.
TIPS FOR ALL OCCASIONS 1. Never take a beer to a job interview, even if you have enough for everyone. 2. Always identify people in your yard before shooting at them. 3. It's considered tacky to take a cooler to church. 4. If you have to vacuum the bed, it is time to change the sheets. 5. Even if you're certain that you are included in the will, it is still considered tacky to drive a U-Haul to the funeral home.
A first grade teacher collected old, well known proverbs. She gave each kid in her class the first half of a proverb, and had them come up with the rest. These are great:
As You Shall Make Your Bed So Shall You... Mess It Up.
Better Be Safe Than... Punch A 5th Grader. Strike While The... Bug Is Close.
It's Always Darkest Before... Daylight Savings Time.
Never Under Estimate The Power Of... Termites.
You Can Lead A Horse To Water But.. How?
Don't Bite The Hand That... Looks Dirty.
No News Is... Impossible.
A Miss Is As Good As A... Mr.
You Can't Teach An Old Dog New... Math.
If You Lie Down With The Dogs, You'll... Stink In The Morning.
Love All, Trust.. Me
The Pen Is Mightier Than The... Pigs.
An Idle Mind Is... The Best Way To Relax.
Where There's Smoke, There's... Pollution.
Happy The Bride Who... Gets All The Presents!
A Penny Saved Is... Not Much.
Two's Company, Three's... The Musketeers.
Don't Put Off Tomorrow What... You Put On To Go To Bed.
Laugh And The Whole World Laughs With You, Cry And... You Have To Blow Your Nose.
None Are So Blind As... Helen Keller.
Children Should Be Seen And Not... Spanked Or Grounded.
If At First You Don't Succeed... Get New Batteries.
You Get Out Of Something What You... See Pictured On The Box.
When The Blind Leadeth The Blind... Get Out Of The Way.
There Is No Fool Like... Aunt Eddie.
A guy goes to a travel agent and books a two-week cruise for himself and his girlfriend. A couple of days before the cruise, the travel agent phones and says the cruise has been cancelled, but he can get them on a three-day cruise instead. The guy agrees and goes to the chemist to buy three Dramamine and three condoms. Next day, the agent calls back and says he now can book a five-day cruise. The guy says he'll take it and returns to the same pharmacy and buys two more Dramamine and two more condoms. The following day, the travel agent calls again and says he can now book an eight-day cruise. The guy agrees and goes back to the chemist and asks for three more Dramamine and three more condoms. Finally, the pharmacist asks, "Look, if it makes you sick, why do you keep doing it?"
How to Satisfy a Woman Every Time:
Lick, paw, ogle, caress, praise, pamper, relish, savor, massage,
empathize, serenade, compliment, support, dig, floralize, feed, laminate,
tantalize, bathe, humor, placate, stimulate, jiffylube, stroke, console,
bark, purr, hug, baste, marinate, coddle, excite, pacify, tattoo, protect,
phone, correspond, anticipate, nuzzle, smooch, toast, minister to, forgive,
sacrifice, ply, accessorize, leave, return, beseech, sublimate, entertain,
charm, lug, drag, crawl, tunnel, show equality for, spackle, oblige, fascinate,
attend, implore, bawl, shower, shave, ululate, trust, dip, twirl, dive,
grovel, ignore, defend, milk, coax, clothe, straddle, melt, brag, acquiesce,
aromate, prevail, super collide, fuse, fizz, rationalize, detoxify, sanctify,
help, acknowledge, polish, upgrade, spoil, reddi-whip, embrace, delouse,
accept, butter-up, hear, understand, jitterbug, mosh, locomote, beg, plead,
borrow, steal, climb, swim, hold her hair while she's puking in the toilet,
nurse, resuscitate, repair, patch, crazy-glue, respect, entertain, calm,
allay, kill for, die for, do a nickel in Attica for, dream of, promise,
exceed, deliver, tease, flirt, enlist, torch, pine, wheedle, cajole, angelicize,
murmur, snuggle, snoozle, snurfle, hezbollah, jihad, elevate, enervate,
alleviate, spotweld, serve, rub, rib, salve, bite, taste, nibble, gratify,
take her to Funkytown, scuttle like a crab on the ocean floor of her existence,
diddle, doodle, hokey-pokey, hanky-panky, crystal blue persuade, flip,
flop, fly, don't care if I die, swing, slip, slide, slather, mollycoddle,
squeeze, moisturize, humidify, lather, tingle, slam-dunk, keep on rockin'
in the free world, wet, slicken, undulate, gelatinize, brush, tingle, dribble,
drip, dry, knead, fluff, fold, blue-coral wax, ingratiate, indulge, wow,
dazzle, amaze, flabbergast, enchant, idolize and worship, and then go back,
Jack, and do it again.
How to Satisfy a Man Every Time:
Show up naked.
