This site is supported by these services, the lowest ANYWHERE.
"Cleanest Water
"
Best filter available eight cents per gallon.
"
Cellular Phone
Pay less than in real-world cell phone stores.
Long Distance
Save on international and inbound toll-free calls!
Triple Play
High-speed internet, TV and digital phone on same bill!
High-Speed DSL
Find the best high-speed provider in your area.
Want a free hi-tech business and free hosted site to sell these services?
|
Whether you own a blog, create your own web pages, or make sales in the real-world, earn top dollar for your efforts selling the best products on planet earth!
Magic Stuff.
Children Magicians
Adult Magicians
Business Magicians
Tavern - Restaurant Customer Builder Promotion.
Tradeshow Magicians
Learn Tie Trick
See Magic Tricks
Sales Training
How to Accomplish Impossible In
Sales
Newspaper trick.
Magicians Lessons.
Balloon Lessons
Market Yourself
Magicians Show Photos
Guestbook.html.
E-mail Magic Mike
Leave A Tip
Send Show Deposit
Home Page
Mind Stuff.
Inspirational Art,
and Great Quotes.
ESP Finding Stuff.
ESP Lightning Strike
Butterfly On Finger
ESP Finding the Dalai Lama
ESP Volcano missed
ESP Predict Quakes
Reincarnated Boy
Tharlam Monastery
Read Literature.
Read The Bible
Read Wisdom Sutra
Read Tao Te Ching
Ancient game of Go.
Fun Stuff.
Wallpaper photos:
Space, Fine Art, Landscape, Animals
Award Short Movies
Award Animations.
Magic Joke Parlor.
Cartoon Of Day
Funny Photos.
Bumper Stickers
Movie Previews.
Movie Reviews.
Aquarium Cam.
Time-Lapse Photos
Harry
Potter Gifts
Cool stuff to hear.
Horoscope
WDFM Penn State
radio comedy 1969
I was one of the people
that started the
birth of FM Radio
as you know it today!
Info Stuff.
Thousands Of Great Recipes
Food &
Drink
Useful Links
Travel, Embassies.
Medical News
Cancer News
Natural
Science
Science
News.
Space News
Newspapers.
TV News
News Wires
Global Dimming!!
Rights for Street Performers
Magic Mike's Jokes Archive #19
Jokes from the mailbox, Magic Mailouts, NASA space
photo links and other great wallpaper photos,
and Firesign Phil's Planet Proctor Orbits
Back to Joke Archive Entry
Magic Mike's Joke Page Parlor
Magic Mike's Home
Page
"Since all phenomena, is a product of one's own mind,
empty of meaning, like a magician's illusion,
having nothing to do with good or bad, acceptance or rejection,
one might burst out in laughter."
- Longchenpa, 13th century Tibetan monk.
Subject: Elliptoid & the usual laugh, cry, and wonder why. Date: Tue, 23 Nov 1999 09:26:48 -0800 From: Magic Mike Berger <mmb Organization: http://funandmagic.com/ To: you <you
Hi, My site was down for a while due to server problems.
They are installing a redundant site on Dec 7th to prevent downage. See
today's wallpaper at http://funandmagic.com/photolinks2.htm . It is a giant
elliptical galaxy named NGC 4881at the edge of the giant Coma Cluster of
Galaxies. Elliptical galaxies are don't have contain spiral arms. They
look yellow-red. Spiral arms appear blue. No one knows if ellipticals can
evolve from colliding spirals, or spirals can be created from colliding
ellipticals, or both. Besides the spiral galaxy, all other images shown
are galaxies. Please laugh your butt off at this cartoon I received about
Thanksgiving. Rather than attach in it e-mail, go to http://funandmagic.com/CartoonOfTheDay.html
Remember during this feast time to feed the hungry every day at the Hunger
site and in your neighborhood.
Have a magic day and pass it on.
Magic Mike
The kindergarten class had settled down to its coloring books. Willie came up to the teacher's desk and said, "Miss Francis, I ain't go no crayons."
"Willie," Miss Francis said, "you mean, "I don't have any crayons.' You don't have any crayons. We don't have any crayons. They don't have any crayons. Do you see what I'm getting at?"
"Not really," Willie said, "What happened to all them crayons?"
-=--=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=
On the first day of school, a first grader handed his teacher a note from his mother. The not read, "The opinions expressed by this child are not necessarily those of his parents."
-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=
-=
LIGHTS OUT
When Velma was 12 years old and decided she first wanted to become a nurse, she went to the hospital for the first time. "What is this?" she asked as she held up the bell cord they had fastened to her pillow.
"That's the bell, Velma," her mother replied.
She pulled it several times, then remarked, "I don't hear it ringing."
"Oh, it doesn't ring," her mom explained, "It turns on a light in the hall for the nurse."
"Well!" she replied indignantly, "if the nurse wants a light on in the hall, she can turn it on herself."
-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=
-=-=-=
LOSING IT
After a long, bumpy flight, our passengers were glad to finally land. They disembarked, and the other attendants and I checked for items left behind. In a seat pocket, I found a bag of home-made cookies with a note saying, "Much love, Mom."
Quickly, I gave the bag to our gate agent in hopes it would be reunited with its owner.
In few minutes, this announcement came over the public-address system in the concourse: "Would the passenger who lost his cookies on Flight 502, please return to the gate?"
-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=--=-=-=
REJOICE
Live your days in the wonder of being alive, of your ability to draw a breath, of every opportunity to stand in the face of a new day.
Revel in the rapture of nature and wrap yourself in the beauty of this glorious planet.
Do not look for love, live it!
--=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=
CHOICES
We choose our joys and sorrows long before we experience them.
Kahlil Gibran
-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=
=
OPPORTUNITIES FOR GROWTH
Life brings opportunities, and from these opportunities comes growth. To some "opportunities" are seen as problems, and not as the building blocks for growth they can be, forming the foundations for positive change.
Change can either be embraced or rejected, the choice is ours. When life - the universe - brings us challenges and obstacles, we can choose to embrace each opportunity as spirit work and discover what riches it may contain.
Sometimes, we must pause in the dark corners of our soul in order to shed light on what is hidden behind the curtain of our fear.
However, we can also choose to turn a blind eye to what benefits may be offered, hide from potential pain, and become paralyzed by our own timidity.
If we choose to embrace that fear, and pass through it, while searching for the gifts - opportunities for growth - it contains, then we choose to accept life and all it offers, which in turn helps us to become the positive light-bearing individuals we are meant to be.
If, on the other hand, we choose to close our eyes to our pain, and throw away the box, shielding our inner vision from what it may contain, then we choose to live our life as half a person; eventually closing ourselves off to even positive emotions. By living as "half a person," we become people constantly seeking to fill our other halves with material comforts, which bring only temporary relief and fleeting satisfaction.
When we choose to embrace our personal pain and experience the grief and the joy that life offers; we choose to live our life to the fullest and accept all the universe has to offer. When we allow the universe to work with us, accepting everything it has to offer, choose to make things happen for us, instead of letting things happen to us. The universe is not your enemy, God does not choose to make us miserable; only to further our capacities for love by providing opportunities for enlightenment and growth.
We make ourselves miserable by remaining stuck in the problem, or lingering in those dark corners, and constantly complaining about our lives; rather than striving to overcome our difficulties, embracing our pain, and moving beyond it into the shining beacon of acceptance and personal growth.
Kristie Overstreet Copyright 1999 -- Have a magic day! http://funandmagic.com/ BTW - Please FEED THE HUNGRY! All you do is click and some hungry person gets a meal, paid by corporate sponsors. Go once a day. http://www.thehungersite.com
Subject: Oregon waterfall, a pun time for all Date: Sun, 21 Nov 1999 18:37:45 -0800 From: Magic Mike Berger <mmb Organization: http://funandmagic.com/ To: you <you
Show me a blacksmith who is making hardware for a bathroom, and I'll show you a man who is forging a head.
Hi, Here is a wonderful Oregon waterfall http://funandmagic.com/photolinks2.htm
. The http://funandmagic.com/Recipes.html page has Bean and Turkey Soup, Hearty
Turkey Stew, Swiss Turkey Quiche, and Scottish Shortbread if you are planning
to have any left-overs. Another nice Einstein quote is at http://funandmagic.com/inspirational-thought.html
. Check out the lowest long distance from anywhere to anywhere at http://longdist.net/?phon4less
.
Have a a magic day and pass it on!
Magic Mike
parlor.htm
Two robins were sitting in a tree. "I'm really hungry", said the first one. "Me, too" said the second. "Let's fly down and find some lunch." They flew to the ground and found a nice plot of plowed ground full of worms. They ate and ate and ate and ate until they could eat no more. "I'm so full I don't think I can fly back up to the tree", said the first one. "Me either. Let's just lay here and bask in the warm sun", said the second. "Okay." replied the first. They plopped down, basking in the sun. No sooner than they had fallen asleep, a big fat tom cat snuck up and gobbled them up. As he sat washing his face after his meal, he thought, "I just love baskin' robins."
.- - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - -
----
Two atoms are walking down the street and they run into each other. One says to the other, "Are you all right?" "No, I lost an electron!" "Are you sure?" "Yeah, I'm positive!"
.- - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - -
-
A neutron goes into a bar and asks the bartender, "How
much for a beer?" The bartender replies, "For you, no charge.".- - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - -
--
A mushroom walks into a bar, sits down and orders a drink. The bartender says, "We don't serve mushrooms here." The mushroom says, "Why not? I'm a fun guy!"
.- - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - -
----------------
Evidence has been found that William Tell and his family were avid bowlers. However, all the league records were unfortunately destroyed in a fire. Thus we'll never know for whom the Tell's bowled.
.- - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - -
-------
Thomas Jack, an Englishman, invented the automated packaging machine which revolutionized commercial sales in 1924. He was known as Jack the Wrapper and he made a bundle.
.- - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - -
------
There was a golfer that hit the ball onto a pear tree, then it bounced onto the green. The golfer putted the ball into the hole. And so the golfer got a par two and a pear tree.
.- - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - -
----
The Dason company in North Carolina is famous for its home mixing machines. They have a slogan in their advertising which reads like this: "When in the South, y'all, be sure to come to see the famous Dason Mixin' Line.
.- - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - -
-----------
A college freshman fell asleep in his 8:00 English class. The professor, not too pleased, threw a book at him. "What was that" asked the startled student. "That", replied the professor, "was a flying Chaucer."
.- - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - -
---------
A Spanish mother, and a Jewish Father name their daughter Carmen Cohen. The mother always calls her Carmen. The father always calls her Cohen. Poor Kid! She never knows if she's Carmen or Cohen.
.- - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - -
-
There was a man who loved to make up puns. One day a local magazine sponsored a pun-contest.
The man entered the contest ten different times in the hope that at least one of his puns would win. Unfortunately, no pun in ten did. -- Have a magic day! http://funandmagic.com/ BTW - Please FEED THE HUNGRY! All you do is click and some hungry person gets a meal, paid by corporate sponsors. Go once a day. http://www.thehungersite.com
Subject: Canyonlands, glitter in your life, Happy Thanksgiving Date: Wed, 17 Nov 1999 11:21:30 -0800 From: Magic Mike Berger <mmb Organization: http://funandmagic.com/ To: you <you
GRATITUDE Got no checkbooks, got no banks. Still I'd like to express my thanks - I got the sun in the mornin' and the moon at night. -Irving Berlin
Hi, Today see a red, red canyonland photo from Southwest
United States. http://funandmagic.com/photolinks2.htm .
Happy Thanksgiving and feed the hungry!
Magic Mike
parlor.htm
USEFUL PHRASES TO USE AT WORK
I don't work here. I'm a consultant.
Thank you. We're all refreshed and challenged by your unique point of view.
I'll try being nicer if you'll try being smarter.
I will always cherish the initial misconceptions I had about you.
I'm not being rude. You're just insignifican't.
I'm really easy to get along with once you people learn to worship me.
The fact that no one understands you doesn't mean you're an artist.
I don't know what your problem is, but I'll bet it's hard to pronounce.
Any connection between your reality and mine is purely coincidental.
I have plenty of talent and vision. I just don't give a damn.
I'm already visualizing the duct tape over your mouth.
It's a thankless job, but I've got a lot of Karma to burn off.
No, my powers can only be used for good.
How about never? Is never good for you?
I'm out of my mind, but feel free to leave a message.
Who me? I just wander from room to room.
It might look like I'm doing nothing, but at the cellular level I'm really quite busy.
At least I have a positive attitude about my destructive habits.
You are validating my inherent mistrust of strangers.
I see you've set aside this special time to humiliate yourself in public.
Someday, we'll look back on this, laugh nervously and change the subject.
-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=
-=-=-=-=.
MICROSOFT TV DINNER, PRODUCT INSERT
You must first remove the plastic cover. By doing so you agree to accept and honor Microsoft rights to all TV dinners. You may not give anyone else a bite of your dinner (which would constitute an infringement of Microsoft's rights). You may, however, let others smell and look at your dinner and are encouraged to tell them how good it is.
If you have a PC microwave oven, insert the dinner into the oven. Set the oven using these keystrokes: <\mstv.dinn.//08.5min@50%heat// Then enter: <ms//start.cook_dindin/yummy\/yum~yum:-)gohot#cookme .
If you have a Mac oven, insert the dinner and press start. The oven will set itself and cook the dinner.
If you have a Unix oven, insert the dinner, enter the ingredients of the dinner (found on the package label), the weight of the dinner, and the desired level of cooking and press start. The oven will calculate the time and heat and cook the dinner exactly to your specification.
Be forewarned that Microsoft dinners may crash, in which case your oven must be restarted. This is a simple procedure. Remove the dinner from the oven and enter: <ms.nodamn.good/tryagain\again/again.crap This process may have to be repeated. Try unplugging the microwave and then doing a cold reboot. If this doesn't work, contact your hardware vendor.
Many users have reported that the dinner tray is far too big, larger than the dinner itself, having many useless compartments, most of which are empty. These are for future menu items. If the tray is too large to fit in your oven you will need to upgrade your equipment.
Dinners are only available from registered outlets, and only the chicken variety is currently produced. If you want another variety, call Microsoft Help and they will explain that you really don't want another variety. Microsoft Chicken is all you really need.
Microsoft has disclosed plans to discontinue all smaller versions of their chicken dinners. Future releases will only be in the larger family size. Excess chicken may be stored for future use, but must be saved only in Microsoft approved packaging.
Microsoft promises a dessert with every dinner after '98. However, that version has yet to be released. Users have permission to get thrilled in advance.
Microsoft dinners may be incompatible with other dinners in the freezer, causing your freezer to self-defrost. This is a feature, not a bug. Your freezer probably should have been defrosted anyway.
-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=
--=.
A passenger train is creeping along, painfully slowly. Finally, it creaks to a complete halt.
A passenger sees a conductor walking by outside.
"What's going on?" she yells out the window.
"Cow on the track!" replies the conductor.
Ten minutes later, the train resumes its slow pace. Within five minutes, however, it stops again.
The woman sees the same conductor walking by again. She leans out the window and yells,
"What happened? Did we catch up with the cow again?"
-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=
.
Rev. : "We have good news and bad news. The bad news is that the roof needs repairing. The good news is that we have the money to pay for it."
(appreciative murmers all round)
Rev.: "The extra bad news is that it's still in your pockets!"
-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=
.
A husband, proving to his wife that women talk more than men, showed her a study which indicated that men use on the average only 15,000 words a day, where as women use 30,000 words a day.
She thought about this for awhile and then told her husband that women use twice as many words as men because they have to repeat everything they say.
He said, "What?"
--=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=
.
ALL IT TAKES IS A LITTLE GLITTER
Earlier today, I was rummaging around in my tote bag looking for some of that instant hand sanitizer. I had spent the morning fighting with the copier, and the copier won, as evidenced by the toner splashed all over my hands. Unfortunately, the only hand sanitizer that I could come up with was my daughter's Enchanted Apple Glitter version, filled with all sorts of sparkly bits. I put it back, as I didn't want all the glitter all over my hands. And then I reconsidered. Why not have glitter?
And that got me to thinking.
Are there other areas where we can add a little glitter? Think about the areas of your life that are particularly mundane or blasé. Couldn't they use a bit of glitter? When you answer the phone, are you cheery and smiling? If you don't think it makes a difference, answer the phone frowning and listen to your tone of voice. Now try answering the phone with a big ol' goofy smile plastered on your face. See how different your tone is? How much more pleasant it sounds to the voice on the other end? All it takes is a little glitter.
When someone cuts you off on the highway, do you curse them? Give them the one-fingered salute? Rush up and try to cut them off? Tailgate them? Why get yourself all worked up about it? So they're in front of you, ahead of you by mere seconds. Big deal. Change your thinking.. "hmm, they must be in a hurry" or "they must be late for an appointment" or even "geez, maybe their mind just isn't on driving." Not that any of these excuse rudeness, but why let it ruin YOUR day. All it takes is a little glitter.
Don't feel like going to your night class tonight? After a long day of working at the office, the last thing anyone wants to do is rush off to a two and a half hour lecture. Trust me, I know. But instead of dragging your feet about it and complaining, change your thinking. Be thankful that you will have yet another opportunity to learn about a new subject, to add more knowledge that might help you later, to soak up the educational environment (which does wonders by itself). Change your thinking and how you view your class will change as well. Not that you'll suddenly go skipping off to class, but you just might enjoy it a teeny bit more. All it takes is a little glitter.
These are just a few examples on how you can add a little glitter to your life easily, and what a world of difference it will make in how your day goes and in how you feel overall. Write me and tell me how you added a little glitter to your life today. And, by the way, I went for the Enchanted Apple Glitter!
Brigitte Carucci Mesa
-- Have a magic day! http://funandmagic.com/ BTW - Please FEED THE HUNGRY! All you do is click and some hungry person gets a meal, paid by corporate sponsors. Go once a day. http://www.thehungersite.com
Subject: Antarctica, Planet Proctor, and bunches of recipes Date: Tue, 16 Nov 1999 20:50:00 -0800 From: Magic Mike Berger <mmb Organization: http://funandmagic.com/ To: you <you
Resentment is like taking poison and waiting for the other person to die. -Malachy McCourt
Hi, See a radar photo of Antarctica. The Canadian satellite
RADARSAT has been orbiting the Earth for the past five years making radar
maps, and has recently released the most detailed map of Antarctica ever
created. http://funandmagic.com/photolinks2.htm . New stuff on the http://funandmagic.com/Recipes.html
Cream of Carrot Soup, Peanut Butter Fudge, and Sweet Potato Balls, Basil-Mushroom
Cups,CRANBERRY SALAD, Orang-Herb Rice, pumpkin pie, Bacon /Weiner Chowder,
Montana Omelet, CHOCOLATE CHIP BUNS, Polynesian Salad, Pumpkin Roll, Baked
Meatloaf With Mushroom Sauce, Grande Marnier Carrots, and Mashed Potato
Cake. Planet Proctor Orbits the bottom of the letter today, from buddy
Firesign Phil.
Have a magic day and pass it on.
Magic Mike
parlor.htm
Senators William B. Spong of Virginia and Hiram Fong of Hawaii sponsored a bill recommending the mass ringing of church bells to welcome the arrival in Hong Kong of the U.S. Table Tennis Team after its tour of Communist China.
The bill failed to pass, cheating the Senate out of passing the Spong-Fong Hong Kong Ping Pong Ding Dong Bell Bill.
-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=.
"I like feminists; I think they're cute." (bumper sticker)
-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=.
So which condom would you use....?
Nike Condoms: Just do it. Toyota Condoms: Oh what a feeling. Diet Pepsi Condoms: You got the right one, baby. Pringles Condoms: Once you pop, you can't stop. Mentos Condoms: The freshmaker. Flintstones Vitamins Condom Pack: Ten million strong and growing. Secret Condoms: Strong enough for a man, but pH balanced for a woman. Macintosh Condom: It does more, it costs less, it's that simple. Ford Condoms: The best never rest. Chevy Condoms: Like a rock. Dial Condoms: Aren't you glad you use it? Don't you wish everybody did? New York Lotto Condoms: Cause hey - you never know. California Lotto Condoms: Who's next? Avis Condoms: Trying harder than ever. KFC Condoms: Finger-Licking Good. Coca Cola Condoms: Always the Real Thing. Lays Condoms: Betcha can't have just one. Campbell's Soup Condoms: Mmm, mmm, good. General Electric Condoms: We bring good things to life! AT&T Condoms: Reach out and touch someone. Bounty Condoms: The quicker picker upper. Microsoft Condoms: Where do you want to go today ? Energizer Condoms: It keeps going and going and going.... M&M condom: It melts in your mouth, not in your hands! Taco Bell Condoms: Get some; make a run for the border. MCI Condoms: For friends and family Doublemint Condoms: Double your pleasure, double your fun! The Sears latex Condoms: One coat is good for the entire winter. Delta Airlines travel pack: Delta is ready when you are. Frosted Flakes Condom: They're GREAT! The Star Trek Condom: To Boldly Go Where No Man Has Gone Before.
-=-=-=-=-=--=--.
The software engineering field is staffed primarily by men; the ratio of male to female software engineers is on the order of 15 to 1. This makes it pretty easy for women to find potential mates among their peers.
However, software types have a well-earned reputation for being... a little strange. While discussing the prospect of working in the software industry, one woman commented to another:
"The odds are good, but the goods are odd."
-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-.
You Know You've Been Online Too Long When... ** Tech Support calls "YOU" for help.
** When you are reading something printed, you wish you could use a search function to get to the point.
** Someone at work tells you a joke and you say "LOL."
** When you reply to someone verbally, your fingers start typing your response.
** You check your e-mail over and over, even when you know there's nothing there.
** You keep begging your friends to get an account so "we can hang out."
** Three words: Carpal Tunnel Syndrome.
** You've even gotten on an airplane just to meet "sweet_girl" face-to-face.
** You have a vanity car tag with your screen name on it.
** You have to get a 2nd phone line just so you can call Pizza Hut.
** You no longer type with proper capitalization, punctuation, or complete sentences.
** You begin to say "heh heh heh" instead of laughing.
** When someone says "What did you say?" you reply "Scroll up!"
** You find yourself sneaking away to the computer in the night when your spouse is asleep.
** You turn down the lights and close the blinds so people won't know you're online again.
** You know more about online friends' daily routines than you do your own spouse's.
** You find yourself lying to others about your time online and when they complain that your phone was busy you claim it was off the hook.
** You have an identity crisis if someone is using a screen name close to your own.
** You would rather tell people that your bloodshot eyes are from partying too much than the truth.
** You change your screen name so much that you have to do a who is to know who you are.
** You type messages to people while you are on the phone with them at the same time.
** You won't work at a job that doesn't have a modem involved.
** Your dog leaves you.
** You bring a bag lunch and a cooler to the computer.
** You type faster than you can think.
** You can actually read and follow all the names of the cast that scrolls up your TV screen at the end of a movie.
** You don't want to leave in case you miss something.
** You set your kitchen on fire while cooking dinner because you wanted to check your mail and while there you "just wanted to see who was online."
-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-.
Bill Gates was killed in a car accident. He found himself in Purgatory being sized up by God.... "Well,Bill, I'm really confused on this call. I'm not sure whether to send you to Heaven or Hell. After all, you enormously helped society by putting a computer in almost every home in the world and yet you created that ghastly Windows 95. I'm going to do something I've never done before. In your case, I'm going to let you decide where you want to go!"
Bill replied. "Well thanks, God. What's the difference between the two?" God said, "I'm going to leave that up to you." Bill said, "OK, then, let's try Hell first." So Bill went to Hell.
It was beautiful, clean sandy beaches with clear waters. There were thousands of beautiful women running around, playing in the water, laughing and frolicking about. The sun was shining and the temperature was perfect. Bill was very pleased. "This is great!" he told God, "If this is Hell, I REALLY want to see Heaven!" "Fine," said God and off they went.
Heaven was a high place in the clouds, with angels drifting about playing harps and singing. It was nice but not as enticing as Hell. Bill thought for a quick minute and rendered his decision. "Hmmm, I think I prefer Hell" he told God. "Fine" retorted God," "As you desire." So Bill Gates went to Hell.
Two weeks later, God decided to check up on the late billionaire to see how he was doing in Hell. When God arrived in Hell, he found Bill shackled to a wall, screaming amongst the hot flames in a dark cave. he was being burned and tortured by demons. "How's everything going Bill?" God asked. Bill responded, his voice full of anguish and disappointment, "This is awful, this is not what I expected. I can't believe this happened. What happened to that other place with the beaches and the beautiful women playing in the water?"
God said, Oh, that was the screen-saver."
-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-.
NATURAL HIGHS
Falling in love. Laughing so hard your face hurts. A hot shower. No lines at the Super Walmart. A special glance. Getting mail. Taking a drive on a pretty road. Hearing your favorite song on the radio. Lying in bed listening to the rain outside. Hot towels out of the dryer. Walking out of your last final. Finding the item you want is on sale for half price. Chocolate milkshake. A long distance phone call. Getting invited to a dance. A bubble bath. Giggling. A good conversation. A care package. The beach. Finding a $20 bill in your coat from last winter. Laughing at yourself. Midnight phone calls that last for hours. Running through sprinklers. Laughing for absolutely no reason at all. Having someone tell you that you're beautiful. Laughing at an inside joke. Friends. Falling in love for the first time. Slumber parties. Accidentally overhearing someone say something nice about you. Waking up and realizing you still have a few hours left to sleep. Your first kiss. Being part of a team. Making new friends or spending time with old ones. Playing with a new puppy. Late night talks with your roommate that keep you from sleeping. Having someone play with your hair. Sweet dreams. Hot chocolate. Road trips with friends. Swinging on swings. Watching a good movie cuddled up on a couch with someone you love. Wrapping presents under the Christmas tree while eating cookies and drinking eggnog. Song lyrics printed inside your new CD so you can sing along without feeling stupid. Going to a really good concert. Getting butterflies in your stomach every time you see that one person. Making eye contact with a cute stranger. Winning a really competitive game. Making chocolate chip cookies! Having your friends send you homemade cookies! Spending time with close friends! Running through the fountains with your friends. Riding a bike downhill. The feeling after running a few miles - an accomplishment! The feeling you get the first time you step on stage. Seeing smiles and hearing laughter from your friends... Holding hands with someone you care about. A backrub Running into an old friend and realizing that some things (good or bad) never change. Discovering that love is unconditional and stronger than time. Riding the best roller coasters over and over. Hugging the person you love. Watching the expression on someone's face as they open a much-desired present from you. Kisses on your forehead from the first and only person you have ever loved. Watching the sunrise. Getting out of bed every morning and thanking God for another beautiful day.
-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=.
If I knew it would be the last time that I'd see you fall asleep, I would tuck you in more tightly and pray the Lord, your soul to keep.
If I knew it would be the last time that I see you walk out the door, I would give you a hug and kiss and call you back for one more.
If I knew it would be the last time I'd hear your voice lifted up in praise, I would video tape each action and word, so I could play them back day after day.
If I knew it would be the last time, I could spare an extra minute or two to stop and say "I love you," instead of assuming you would KNOW I do
If I knew it would be the last time I would be there to share your day, well I'm sure you'll have so many more, so I can let just this one slip away.
For surely there's always tomorrow to make up for an oversight, and we always get a second chance to make everything right.
There will always be another day to say our "I love you's", And certainly there's another chance to say our "Anything I can do's?"
But just in case I might be wrong, and today is all I get, I'd like to say how much I love you and I hope we never forget,
Tomorrow is not promised to anyone, young or old alike, And today may be the last chance you get to hold your loved one tight
So if you're waiting for tomorrow, why not do it today? For if tomorrow never comes, you'll surely regret the day,
That you didn't take that extra time for a smile, a hug, or a kiss and you were too busy to grant someone, what turned out to be their one last wish.
So hold your loved ones close today, and whisper in their ear, Tell them how much you love them and that you'll always hold them dear
Take time to say "I'm sorry," "Please forgive me," "thank you," or "its okay". And if tomorrow never comes, you'll have no regrets about today.
-=-=-=-=-=-=--=-=.
Subject: PP 99 - 22 Date: Tue, 16 Nov 1999 14:24:01 -0500 From: phil proctor <PProctor@compuserve.com To: "A.A.A 3" <pproctor@compuserve.com
(((((((((((((((((( PLANET PROCTOR 99 - 22 http://www.planetproctor.com
"She taught Lincoln how to love - and to like it!" Said of Mary Todd in a lurid ad promoting the 1930's movie, "Abraham Lincoln" by D.W. Griffith
SHAMELESS NON-SELF PROMOTION I seldom plug things other than ME, but if you live in Southern California, go see "The Summer Moon" by John Olive on the small stage at South Coast Rep. It's a wonderful, moving, funny, poetic cross-cultural fable built around the introduction of Japanese trucks and cars to the American market, brilliantly performed by Greg Watanabe, Tamlyn Tomita and John Linton. As alumni of the company, Melinda and I were invited to the company preview, not knowing what to expect, and we loved it. If you're interested, call the box office at (714) 708-5555. (By the way, a "PROPS FUN FACTS" poster backstage at SCR reveals that "The oddest prop ever built [by our prop department] is a 16"long, bronze phallus from 'What the Butler Saw'." ) We also recommend "Mr. Allen, Mr. Allen" by Arnold Peyeser at the Whitefire Theatre on Ventura, which stars Jack "Rugrats" Riley in a charming slice-o-life about the brilliant radio years of comedian Fred Allen. (323.655.TKTS)
"I find TV very educational. As soon as someone turns it on, I immediately go to the library and read a good book." Groucho Marx
A DIRTY LITTLE SECRET When we were recently in London, they were airing the first in a 6-part series called "Pornography: the Secret History of Civilization". The title refers to the fact that when in the mid-19th Century archaeologists discovered sexually explicit statues and paintings from the ruins of Pompeii, they were immediately locked away in what became known as "The Secret Museum" and soon thereafter in 1857, the Victorians passed the Obscene Publications Act, defining "pornography" as we know it. The "programme" will also reveal that the Victorians were not really repressed about passion, they were rather "passionate about repressing." Contribute to your Public Broadcasting Network and maybe you'll get to see Pan copulating with a goat, too.
"Martini is my favorite drink, one or two at the most. Two, I'm under the table; three, I'm under my host." Dorothy Parker
JOHNNY, WE HARDLY KNEW YA British Child Support Agency reports regarding patronage: * I am unsure as to the identity of the father of my child as I was being sick out of a window when taken unexpectedly from behind. I can provide you with a list of names of men that I think were at the party, if this helps. * I do not know the name of the father of my little girl. She was conceived at a party where I had unprotected sex with a man I met that night. I do remember that the sex was so good that I fainted. If you do manage to track down the father can you send me his phone number? Thanks . *I don't know the identity of the father of my daughter. He drives a BMW that now has a hole made by my stiletto in one of the door panels. Perhaps you can contact the BMW service stations in this area and see if anyone's brought in a car that matches that description. *So much about that night is a blur. The only thing that I remember for sure is that I watched a cooking show about eggs earlier in the evening. If I'd have stayed in and watched more TV rather than going to the party at [address given], mine might have remained unfertilized. *From the dates, it seems that my daughter was conceived while I was on holiday at Euro Disney. Maybe it really is the Magic Kingdom. *I have never had sex with a man. I am awaiting a letter from Pope confirming that my son's conception was immaculate and that he is Christ risen again. (From Garry Margolis)
"Relive those moments you can't remember!" L.A. Hardrock Cafe Billboard
HALLOWEEN TREATS AND TRICKS Popular costumes from the LA Times Westside Weekly section: "I'm going to be Jerry Hall because I'm getting a divorce, too." "I'm going to be a soldier, so I can relive some bad memories." And a 20-year-old girl responded, "A male 70s pimp; and my boyfriend, who is a little shorter than me, will be my prostitute." The most common male costumes were "Austin Powers" characters, the Cat in the Hat, members of the band KISS, and Zorro; for women, Felicity Shagwell, Lucy, Medusa, Cleopatra and Wonder Woman.
WANTED A tall well-built woman with good reputation, who can cook frogs legs, who appreciates a good fuc- schia garden, classic music and tal- king without getting too serious. But please only read lines 1,3 and 5.
"Good cowgirls keep their calves together." Bumpersticker <outwestnewspaper.com
DOGONE IT According to Associated Press, a popular brand of Canadian-made doggie treats are being recalled because they may be tainted with salmonellas, and we all know that dogs hate fish. Pet Valu International pulled the following aptly-named "Rollover" products from the shelves: garlic-flavored pig ears, cheese-flavored pig ears, five-inch chews, lambie chunks and smoked or plain doggie chew hooves. The article concludes that "Salmonella-tainted treats are not considered a risk for dogs, but pet owners could get infected." Made me howl.
"Never trust a dog to watch your food." Patrick, age 10
A MERRY MERGER TO ALL Continuing the current trend of large-scale mergers and acquisitions, it was announced today that Christmas and Chanukah will merge. An industry source said that the deal had been in the works for about 1300 years, ever since the rise of the Muslim Empire. It is believed that the overhead cost of having twelve days of Christmas and eight days of Chanukah was becoming cost prohibitive for both sides, so by combining forces, the world will be able to enjoy a consist high-quality of service during the Fifteen Days of Christmukah, as the new holiday is being called. As part of the conditions of the agreement, the letters on the dreydl, currently in Hebrew, will be replaced by Latin, thus becoming unintelligible to a wider audience. Also, instead of translating "A great miracle happened there," the message on the dreydl will be the more generic "Miraculous stuff happens." In exchange, it is believed that Jews will be allowed to use Santa Claus and his vast merchandising resources for buying and delivering their gifts. In fact, one of the sticking points holding up the agreement for at least three hundred years was the question of whether Jewish children could leave milk and cookies for Santa even after having eaten meat for dinner. A breakthrough came last year, when Oreos were finally declared to be Kosher. All sides appeared happy about this, although massive down-sizing is expected, with lords-a-leaping, maids-a-milking and elves being the hardest hit. He then closed the press conference by leading all present in a rousing rendition of "Oy, Come All Ye Faithful." (From Janet Foreman)
Seen in L.A., a homeless man with a cardboard sign reading: "Homeless, hungry, please help. God bless," On the other side it says: "Or, visit my website at www.hobo.com"
COMPUTER PROBLEM REPORT FORM 1. Describe your problem: 2. Now, describe the problem accurately: 3. Speculate wildly about the cause of the problem: 4. Problem Severity: A. Minor B. Minor C. Minor D. Trivial 5. Nature of the problem: A. Locked Up B. Frozen C. Hung D. Strange Smell 6. Is your computer plugged in? Yes___ No___ 7. Is it turned on? Yes___ No___ 8. Have you tried to fix it yourself? Yes___ No___ 9. Have you made it worse? Yes___ 10. Have you had "a friend" who "knows all about computers" try to fix it for you? Yes___ No___ 11. Did they make it even worse? Yes___ 12. Have you read the manual? Yes___ No___ 13. Are you sure you've read the manual? Maybe___ No___ 14. Are you absolutely certain you've read the manual? No___ 15. If you read the manual, do you think you understood it? Yes___ No___ 16. If `Yes' then explain why can't you fix the problem yourself: 17. What were you doing with your computer at the time the problem occurred? 18. If you answered `nothing' then explain why you were logged in: 19. Are you sure you aren't imagining the problem? Yes___ No___ 20. Does the clock on your home VCR blink 12:00? Yes___ No___ What's a VCR?___ 21. Do you have a copy of 'PCs for Dummies'? Yes___ No___ 22. Do you have any independent witnesses to the problem? Yes___ No___ 23. Do you have any electronics products that DO work? Yes___ No___ 24. Is there anyone else you could blame this problem on? Yes___ No___ 25. Have you given the machine a good whack on the top? Yes___ No___ 26. Is the machine on fire? Yes___ Not Yet___ 27. Can you do something else instead of bothering me? Yes__ (Ivan Berger)
"I've finally figured out why this whole Year 2000 problem is causing so much trouble. Fixing it depends on programmers finding a date. This isn't exactly one of our classic strengths." From Gary Margolis
GREEK FOOD FOR THOUGHT I recently noted an interesting item in the last issue of the Writers Guild West Member News that I thought I should pass along. According to Tom Burnam's "Dictionary of Misinformation", the phrase "In the beginning was the word" is often interpreted as referring to God's primal pronouncement; but in Greek, the word "word" which is "logos", actually refers to a communion between the divine and the secular realm. A more accurate translation, thus, would be: "In the beginning was a communication between the divine world and the world on earth."
"I used to be an agnostic. Now I'm a diagnostic. See, I think there's something wrong with God, but I have to figure out what it is." Doxey Kemp
TACKY... As director of communications [for the Taco Bell Corporation] I was asked to prepare a memo reviewing our company's training programs and materials. In the body of the memo one of the sentences mentioned the "pedagogical approach" used by one of the training manuals. The day after I routed the memo to the executive committee, I was called into the HR director's office, and told that the executive vice president wanted me out of the building by lunch. When I asked why, I was told that she wouldn't stand for "perverts" (pedophilia?) working in her company. Finally he showed me her copy of the memo, with her demand that I be fired -- and the word "pedagogical" circled in red. The HR manager was fairly reasonable, and once he looked the word up in his dictionary, and made a copy of the definition to send back to her, he told me not to worry. He would take care of it. Two days later a memo to the entire staff came out - directing us that no words which could not be found in the local Sunday newspaper could be used in company memos. A month later, I resigned. In accordance with company policy, I created my resignation memo by pasting words together from the Sunday paper.
"If you think lines are long for the Magic Mountain ride, wait til 'Disneyland Hong Kong' opens in a country with one billion people! This reminds us, Disneyland is a people trap owned by a mouse." George Mair's La La Land
CAN YOU DIG IT An aging man lived alone in Ireland. His only son was a political prisoner in Long Kesh Prison, and he didn't know anyone who would spade up his potato garden. The old man wrote to his son about it, and received this reply, "For HEAVENS SAKE, don't dig up that garden, that's where I buried the GUNS!!!!!" At 4 A.M. the next morning, a dozen British soldiers showed up and dug up the entire garden, but didn't find any guns. Confused, the man wrote to his son telling him what happened and asking him what to do next. His son's reply was, "Just plant your potatoes." (From Peg McMahon)
"I believe that this nation should commit itself..." JFK, 25 May 1961
A VOICE, OVER Mary Kay Bergman. A bright spirit and a clear voice stilled. A tragic loss.
+++++++++++11/15/99)++++++++++ * FIRESIGN SITE: www.firesigntheatre.com * FIRESIGN PRODUCT: www.lodestone-media.com * FUNNY TIMES: www.funnytimes.com
PLANET PROCTOR (C) 1999 by Phil Proctor -- Have a magic day! http://funandmagic.com/ BTW - Please FEED THE HUNGRY! All you do is click and some hungry person gets a meal, paid by corporate sponsors. Go once a day. http://www.thehungersite.com
Subject: Nearby star with planet Date: Mon, 15 Nov 1999 10:59:46 -0800 From: Magic Mike Berger <mmb Organization: http://funandmagic.com/ To: you <you
Hi, About 150 light years from us is a star which has
been found to have planets. Here is a nice desktop of it http://funandmagic.com/photolinks2.htm
. There are about 35 stars within 50 light years of us. One light year
is 585.5 billion miles. Lots of new stuff daily at recipes, jokes, and
cartoon pages.
Have a magic day and pass it on.
Magic Mike
parlor.htm
I thought about how mothers feed their babies with tiny little spoons and forks so I wondered, what do Chinese mothers use? Toothpicks?
If it's true that we are here to help others, then what exactly are the others here for?
You never really learn to swear until you learn to drive.
No one ever says "It's only a game," when their team is winning.
Ever wonder what the speed of lightning would be if it didn't zigzag?
If a cow laughed, would milk come out her nose?
If olive oil comes from olives, where does baby oil come from.
I was thinking about how people seem to read the Bible a whole lot more as they get older, then it dawned on me . . . they're cramming for their final exam.
"I am" is reportedly the shortest sentence in the English language. Could it be that "I do" is the longest sentence?
-=-=-=-=------=-=.
Did you hear about the kid who was pulled over for speeding?
The cop got out of his car and the young man rolled down his window.
"I've been waiting for you all day," the cop said.
The guy replied, "Yeah, well I got here as fast as I could."
When the cop finally stopped laughing, he sent the kid on his way without a ticket.
-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=
Three boys are in the school yard bragging about their fathers. The first boy says,
"My Dad scribbles a few words on a piece of paper, he calls it a poem, they give him $50."
The second boy says,
"That's nothing. My Dad scribbles a few words on a piece of paper, he calls it a song, they give him $100."
The third boy says,
"I got you both beat. My Dad scribbles a few words on a piece of paper, he calls it a sermon... and it takes eight people to collect all the money!"
-=--=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=---=-=.
A cab driver reaches the Pearly Gates and announces his presence to St. Peter, who looks him up in his Big Book. Upon reading the entry for the cabby, St. Peter invites him to grab a silk robe and a golden staff and to proceed into Heaven.
A preacher is next in line behind the cabby and has been watching these proceedings with interest. He announces himself to St. Peter. Upon scanning the preacher's entry in the Big Book, St. Peter furrows his brow and says, "Okay, we'll let you in, but take that cloth robe and wooden staff."
The preacher is astonished and replies, "But I am a man of the cloth. You gave that cab driver a gold staff and a silk robe. Surely I rate higher than a cabby."
St. Peter responded matter-of-factly: "Here we are interested in results. When you preached, people slept. When the cabby drove his taxi, people prayed."
-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=---=-=.
A few minutes before the famous Shakespearean actor was to perform Hamlet to a packed house in New York, he dropped dead. The house manager solemnly came on-stage and announced, "We are sorry to bring you this news. Mr. Famous Actor has passed away in his dressing room, and there will be no performance tonight."
From the back of the rear balcony, a voice cries, "Give him some chicken soup!"
Startled, the stage manager clears his voice and says, "I apologize if in my grief, I have not made my solemn message clear. Mr. Actor is deceased, and there will be no performance."
Again, from the top balcony, the voice: "Give him some chicken soup!"
Having had about enough, the manager yells back, "Lady, the man is dead. Giving him some chicken soup wouldn't help."
And the voice replies, "It couldn't hurt!"
-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=.
At these Fahrenheit temperatures:
+65 - Hawaiians declare a two-blanket night. +60 - Californians put on sweaters (if they can find one). +50 - Miami residents turn on the heat. +45 - Vermont residents go to outdoor concerts. +40 - You can see your breath. Californians shiver uncontrollably. Minnesotans go swimming +35 - Italian cars don't start. +32 - Water freezes. +30 - You plan your vacation to Australia. +25 - Ohio water freezes. Californians weep. Minnesotans eat ice cream. Canadians go swimming +20 - Politicians begin to talk about the homeless. New York City water freezes. Miami residents plan vacation farther South. +15 - French cars don't start. Cat insists on sleeping in your bed with you. +10 - You need jumper cables to get the car going. +5 - American cars don't start. 0 - Alaskans put on T-shirts. -10 - German cars don't start. Eyes freeze shut when you blink. -15 - You can cut your breath and use it to build an igloo. Arkansans stick tongue on metal objects. Miami residents cease to exist -20 - Cat insists on sleeping in pajamas with you. Politicians actually do something about the homeless. Minnesotans shovel snow off roof. Japanese cars don't start. -25 - Too cold to think. You need jumper cables to get the driver going. -30 - You plan a two week hot bath. Swedish cars don't start. -40 - Californians disappear. Minnesotans button top button. Canadians put on sweaters. Your car helps you plan your trip South. -50 - Congressional hot air freezes. Alaskans close the bathroom window. -80 - Hell freezes over. Polar bears move South. Green Bay Packer fans order hot cocoa at the game. -90 - Lawyers put their hands in their own pockets.
-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-.
Those investment terms have your head spinning. Here are some simple definitions.
--Stock: A magical piece of paper worth $33.75 until the moment you buy it when it is worth $8.50.
--Broker: The person you trust to help you make major financial decisions. Please note the first five letters of this word spell "broke."
--Bear: What your trade account and wallet will be when you take a flyer on that hot stock tip from your secretary.
--Bull: What your broker uses to explain why your mutual funds tanked during the last quarter.
--Short Position: A type of trade where, in theory, a person sells stocks he doesn't actually own. Since this also only ever works in theory, a short position is what a person usually ends up being in (i.e. "The rent, sir? Well, I'm a little short this month.").
--Commission: The only reliable way to make money on the stock market, which is why your broker charges you one.
-- Have a magic day! http://funandmagic.com/ BTW - Please FEED THE HUNGRY! All you do is click and some hungry person gets a meal, paid by corporate sponsors. Go once a day. http://www.thehungersite.com
Subject: Andromeda, so close, so far Date: Sun, 14 Nov 1999 10:38:45 -0800 From: Magic Mike Berger <mmb Organization: http://funandmagic.com/ To: you <you
Hi, It is amazing that the Andromeda Galaxy is over 2
million light years away and it is the closest galaxy to ours. That means
it is 186,000 x 60 x 60 x 24 x 365 x 2,000,000 miles away. http://funandmagic.com/photolinks2.htm
. Everything on the recipes, inspiration, joke, and cartoon pages are updated.
Have a look and some fun.
Have a magic day and pass it on.
Magic Mike
http://funandmagic.com/
A certain little girl, when asked her name, would reply, "I'm Mr. Sugarbrown's daughter."
Her mother told her this was wrong. She must say, "I'm Jane Sugarbrown."
The vicar spoke to Jane in Sunday School, and said, "Aren't you Mr. Sugarbrown's daughter?" She replied, "I thought I was, but mother says I'm not."
.- - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - -
----
A little girl asked her mother, "Can I go outside and play with the boys?"
Her mother replied, "No, you can't play with the boys, they're too rough.
The little girl thought about it for a few moments and asked, "If I can find a smooth one,
can I play with him?"
-=-=-=----=-=-
Wendy says it's a true story, but I think it sounds like an urban legend. Nonetheless, it's still kind of cute: This guy came into an emergency room with all fingers (less thumb) on both hands amputated. Turns out the man hadn't had clippers or a hedge trimmer and decided to use his *lawnmower* to clean up the hedges. A little while later, ANOTHER man with the exact same injuries came in. The 2nd man told the ER, "I saw my neighbor trimming the hedge with the lawnmower and thought I'd try it."
--=-=-=----=-=
Tommy wrote to tell me about a recent episode of "Cops" where the guy being arrested for assault was in a wheelchair. If that wasn't interesting enough, the cop told the guy in the wheelchair to "have a seat while we sort this out."
--=-=-----=-=-=
The manager of a large city zoo was drafting a letter to order a pair of animals. He sat at his computer and typed the following sentence: "I would like to place an order for two mongooses, to be delivered at your earliest convenience."
He stared at the screen, focusing on that odd word mongooses. Then he deleted the word and added another, so that the sentence now read: "I would like to place an order for two mongeese, to be delivered at your earliest convenience."
Again he stared at the screen, this time focusing on the new word, which seemed just as odd as the original one. Finally, he deleted the whole sentence and started all over. "Everyone knows no full-stocked zoo should be without a mongoose," he typed. "Please send us two of them."
-=--=-=-=-=-=-=-=
Bagwaji responded- Slight correction on the Minnesota motto from a Minnesotan... one acre of lake can support approximately 1.5X10^4 mosquitoes .. there are 10^4 lakes, with mean area of 25 acres, yeilding 2.5X10^4 acres. This amounts to 3.75X10^8 mosquitoes at any one time in Minnesota, just based on the lakes. There are also about 10^4 acres of swamp, yeilding 1.5X10^8 mosquitoes, for a total estimate, not counting a species that only needs cornfields and mud puddles to proliferate, and another that breeds in hollow tree stumps, old tires, etc., of 5.62X10^16 mosquitoes in the state on a hot summer day. The real reason we never put the mosquito number in our state slogan is that Iowans and Dakotans can't read scientific notation, and the real number would be a license plate longer than the width of a compact car. -- Have a magic day! http://funandmagic.com/
Subject: Belt of Venus, Walnut Pie, Bubbleboy Virus info Date: Thu, 11 Nov 1999 09:55:07 -0800 From: Magic Mike Berger <mmb Organization: http://funandmagic.com/ To: you <myfriends
Every oak tree started out as a couple of nuts who stood their ground. -anonymous
Hi, See the Belt Of Venus today. It is not a new Victoria's
Secret sash, it's the "haze" that sometimes precedes sunrise,
due to reflection of the atmosphere. Here it is in real nice desktop wallpaper
photo http://funandmagic.com/photolinks2.htm . Use the two sideshow programs
on my Utility page to see them after you save them. I have a new cartoon
daily at http://funandmagic.com/CartoonOfTheDay.html and two new ones weekly
at http://funandmagic.com/BestCartoonOfTheDay.html . I post new recipes daily,
and the page is now 800k of recipe text at http://funandmagic.com/Recipes.html
and today I have Diner Macaroni and Cheese, Angel Pie, Walnut Pie (a substitute
for pecans), and Indian Chai Tea. I am have a problem today with a glitch
in the upload to Recipes. You might have to try a few times. As you have
heard, on the news, there is a new virus. By the way, if you DON'T hear
it on the news, it is probably a hoax. That is the difference between investigative
reporting and gossip. So, it seems to target IE5 and Outlook users. I think
my Netscape is safe. But, a patch offered by Microsoft in August will help.
Here is a story in more detail http://antivirus.about.com/compute/software/antivirus/library/weekly/aa111099.htm
. Basically, get virus protection and update.
Have a magic day and pass it on.
Magic Mike
parlor.htm
Mary was almost crazy with her three young kids. She complained to her best friend, "They're driving me nuts!! Such pests, they give me no rest and I'm half-way to the funny farm."
"What you need is a playpen to separate the kids from yourself," her friend said.
So Mary bought a playpen A few days later, her friend called to ask how things were going.
"Superb! I can't believe it," Mary said. "I get in that pen with a good book, a chocolate bar, and the kids don't bother me one bit!"
-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=
-=-
The new Ensign was assigned to subs, where he'd dreamed of working since a young boy. He was trying to impress the Master Chief with his expertise learned in Sub School.
The Master Chief cut him off quickly and said, "Listen, 'sir', it's real simple. Add the number of times we dive to the number of times we surface. Divide that number by two. If the result doesn't come out even, don't open the hatch."
-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=
-=-=-=-=-
I was in Las Vegas a short while ago, and had a very amusing experience. While getting gas, two young women in a convertible pulled in. They pulled up next to us and asked us where the light houses were.
"Lighthouses?" I asked. "Yes lighthouses. We are new to Las Vegas and just can't seem to find them" The driver replied.
Curious, and knowing that Las Vegas is no where near the ocean, I asked
"Why are you looking for lighthouses?"
"Oh, there are so many good paying jobs for lighthouses here in the paper. But most want you to appear in person" the passenger answered while pointing to several ads.
I stopped pumping my gas and walked over to see the ad. You can imagine their disappointment when I read the ads and explained that it was for "light house keeping".
-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=--
A well dressed businessman got into a Manhattan cab and asked to be taken to LaGuardia. While stuck in the traffic jam, the businessman leaned forward and said, "How's your spirit of adventure?"
"What do you mean?"
"Well, I have to be in Chicago for a meeting, but the thought of flying there just bores me to tears. Why not drive me there? The meeting is only an hour. I'll pay the gas, tolls, your hotel room, meals, and then you can drive me back tomorrow."
The driver said, "Sure, why not?" and off they went.
They motored through Jersey, Pennsylvania, Ohio, Indiana, and finally into Chicago. The businessman did his meeting (while the cabbie waited) came out, got back into the cab and they took off to the hotel. They shared a huge meal, the businessman paid for two rooms. The next morning, they took off back towards Manhattan. When they arrived, the meter read $4,632.85.
When they got back to the businessman's office, the man told the cabbie, "Let me go in the bank here and I'll get you a certified check. I'll make it for $5000 so you'll get a sizable tip for your trouble."
"Great," the cab driver said, "Thanks."
"One last thing. When I give you the check, I'd like you to drive me home, please."
"Where's that?"
"Brooklyn."
"No way!!! I'd have to drive back over the bridge without a passenger!"
-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=
Mabel, who is 60 years old, goes to her doctor for her annual physical. He examines her thoroughly and says "Mabel, i've got good news and bad news for you."
Mabel said "What's the good news?" The doctor says "You are in wonderful shape. I can't find anything at all wrong with you."
Mabel then asked "What's the bad news?" The doctor said "You're pregnant!" Mabel flew out of his office.
She was very upset, and ran home and called her husband at work. When he answered, she said "You old goat-you got me pregnant!"
After a long pause, he said "Who's calling?"
-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-
A PRAYER
May today there be peace within. May you trust your highest power that you are exactly where you are meant to be. May you not forget the infinite possibilities that are born of faith. May you use those gifts that you have received, and pass on the love that has been given to you. May you be content knowing you are a child of God. Let this presence settle into your bones, and allow your soul the freedom to sing, dance, and to bask in the sun.
Subject: Spiral Galaxies Collide, recipes, jokes, and ponderations Date: Tue, 09 Nov 1999 09:47:02 -0800 From: Magic Mike Berger <mmb Organization: http://funandmagic.com/ To: you <myfriends
Thus happiness depends, as nature shows, less on exterior things than most suppose. -William Cowper
Hi, See the fight of the Millennium as two Spiral Galaxies
duke it out, ripping each other apart in the process. A cast of millions
of stars. http://funandmagic.com/photolinks2.htm . On the recipe page, Chicken
and Rice Soup, Crescent Cookies, Cheesecake, and Oeuf en Cocotte (Baked
Eggs) http://funandmagic.com/Recipes.html .
Have a magic day and pass it on.
Magic Mike
http://funandmagic.com/
The businessman dragged himself home and barely made it to his chair before he dropped exhausted.
His sympathetic wife was right there with a tall cool drink and a comforting word. "My, you look tired," she said, "you must have had a hard day today. What happened to make you so exhausted?"
"It was terrible," her husband said. "The
computer broke down and all of us had to do our own thinking."
_______________________________________
___________
"Because my client is uncertain which of the two men with whom she lived concurrently is the father of her child, Your Honor," stated the lawyer, "she seeks to combine them as joint defendants in this legal action."
"So what she is really filing," commented the judge in a wry tone, "is a paternity suit with two pair of pants."
-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=--=-=-=-=--=
The minister was preoccupied with thoughts of how he was going to ask the congregation to come up with more money than they were expecting for repairs to the church building.
Therefore, he was annoyed to find that the regular organist was sick and a substitute had been brought in at the last minute. The substitute wanted to know what to play.
"Here's a copy of the service," he said impatiently. "But you'll have to think of something to play after I make the announcement about the finances."
During the service, the minister paused and said, "Brothers and Sisters, we are in great difficulty; the roof repairs cost twice as much as we expected, and we need $4,000 more. Any of you who can pledge $100 or more, please stand up."
At that moment, the substitute organist played "The Star- Spangled Banner."
And that is how the substitute organist became the permanent organist.
-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=
-
A farmer lived on a quiet rural highway. But, as time went by, the traffic slowly built up at an alarming rate. The traffic was so heavy and so fast that his chickens were being run over at a rate of three to six a day. So one day he called the sheriff's office and said, You've got to do something about all of these people driving so fast and killing all of my chickens."
"What do you want me to do?" asked the sheriff.
"I don't care, just do something about those drivers."
So the next day he had the county go out and put up a sign that said:
SLOW: SCHOOL CROSSING.
Three days later the farmer called the sheriff and said, "You've got to do something about these drivers. The 'school crossing' sign seems to make them go faster." So, again, the sheriff sends out the county and they put up a new sign:
SLOW: CHILDREN AT PLAY.
And that really sped them up. So the farmer called and called and called everyday for three weeks. Finally, he asked the sheriff, "Your signs are doing no good. Is it all right for me to put up my own sign?"
The sheriff told him, "Sure thing, put up your own sign." He was going to let the farmer do just about anything in order to have him stop calling. Well, the sheriff got no more calls from the farmer.
Three weeks after the farmers last call, the sheriff decided to call him. "How's the problem with those drivers. Did you put up your sign?"
"Oh, I sure did. And not one chicken has been killed since then. I've got to go. I'm very busy." And he hung up the phone. The sheriff thought to himself, "I'd better go to that farmer's house and look at that sign... There might be something there that WE could use to slow down drivers..."
So the sheriff drove out to the farmer's house, and he saw the sign. It was a whole sheet of plywood. And written in large yellow letters were the words:
SLOW: NUDIST COLONY.
-=-
-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=---=-=
-=
CHARITY
Every good act is charity. Your smiling in your brother's face, is charity; an exhortation of your fellow-man to virtuous deeds, is equal to alms-giving; your putting a wanderer in the right road, is charity; your assisting the blind, is charity; your removing stones, and thorns, and other obstructions from the road, is charity; your giving water to the thirsty, is charity. A man's true wealth hereafter, is the good he does in this world to his fellow-man. When he dies, people will say, "What property has he left behind him?" But the angels will ask, "What good deeds has he sent before him?"
Mohammed
-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=
SOUL MATES BY CHOICE
For the entire thirteenth year of my life, David Cassidy was my 'one and only', my soul mate. A larger than life poster of him hung on the wall beside my bed, and I would stare up at his face each night until I drifted off to dream. The tenderness of my age caused many uncertainties in my heart and my head, but one categorical truth remained constant. Fate and the moon and the mysteries of the universe were conspiring to bring me and David Cassidy together.
The blush of childish romance soon gave way to teenage affairs of the heart. I gave up waiting for Mr. Cassidy and started looking for my 'real' soul mate, the one person capable of completing my heart. When our paths finally crossed, we would know, in an inkling of a second, that eternity was ours.
My belief was tested to the point of confusion at many intervals. When I was sure I'd found 'the one' for me, I wasn't 'the one' for him. More confounding, were the times when I was 'the one' for him, but he wasn't 'the one' for me. Finally, I chucked the notion of soul mates out the same window I'd tossed fairies and unicorns, Santa and the Easter Bunny. Twenty years passed before the word entered my vocabulary again.
As we stood outside the entrance to the surgical ward, my husband wrapped himself around me in a protective stance. The kind nurse who'd come to take me in for surgery, allowed us one last, lingering hug before leading me away. My operation wasn't life threatening, but the possible consequences weighed heavy on our minds. Letting go of each other was difficult, more so for him than me. I would soon be sound asleep. He would be left to walk the hospital corridors for four long hours.
A compassionate tap on my shoulder let me know it was time to leave. The doors to the surgical ward seemed large and ominous as they slid open and I walked through them. Standing on the other side, I stopped and turned around to face my big strong husband. He looked so lost and forlorn, standing there alone in the middle of the sterile hallway. In the few short seconds it took for the doors to slide shut, a blaze of clarity struck my soul.
Our life together had been built on mutual choices. We had chosen each other as partners, chosen to love, to trust, and to create joy together. The universe may very well have had a hand in bringing us together, what we did beyond that point was of our own choosing.
That tiny flash of time left me forever changed. I realized that somewhere among the pages of our history, rich in passages of shared memories, we had chosen to become soul mates.
Copyright © 1999 Terri McPherson Windsor, Ontario, Canada tmcphers@mnsi.net -- Have a magic day! http://funandmagic.com/
Subject: Einstein, Moon in stages of Lumination, many recipes Date: Mon, 08 Nov 1999 19:58:32 -0800 From: Magic Mike Berger <mmb Organization: http://funandmagic.com/ To: you <myfriends
I am enough of an artist to draw freely upon my imagination. Imagination is more important than knowledge. Knowledge is limited. Imagination encircles the world. -Albert Einstein
Hi! I took the autostart off the music on my pages, so
you get a faster load, without waiting for the plug-in. If you wish to
hear the sound on the pages, click on the player. See a cool, animated
slideshow of the Moon in its varies stages of reflection at http://funandmagic.com/photolinks2.htm
and pick up on Crater Lake if you missed it. On the recipe page http://funandmagic.com/Recipes.html
in the last two days, I added: Chicken Fingers with Honey Mustard Sauce,
Carrot Pie, NUTMEG APPLE CINNAMON APPLE CAKE, Poppyseed Turkey Casserole,
Cookhouse Eggs, Banana-Stuffed French Toast, Cheddar Crown Onion Bread,
Butternut Bisque, Chocolate Jar Cakes, Tortino di Pomodori Verdi - Green
Tomato Frittata, Crockpot Beef Dip, Chicken-Sausage casserole, Pioneer
Beans, Castagne al Forno - Roasted Chestnuts, Blue-Ribbon Cranberry Chicken,
Sweet Potatoe Souffle', Mincemeat Shortcake Pie. The Inspiration page has
a few new ones by Albert Einstein http://funandmagic.com/inspirational-thought.html
. I saw "Analyze This" a few weeks ago with DeNiro and Billy
Crystal. Analyze Yourself! At http://sanborn.simplenet.com/psycho/psycho.shtml
you can take a quick, meaningless, psyche test.
Have a magic day and pass it on.
Magic Mike
http://funandmagic.com
A psychiatrist's secretary walks into his study and says, "There's a gentleman in the waiting room asking to see you. Claims he's invisible."
The psychiatrist responds, "Tell him I can't see him."
-=--=-=-=-=-=-=-=--=-=
This story is about an elderly couple, sitting together watching television. During one of those commercials, the husband asked his wife,
"Whatever happened to our sexual relations?"
After a long thoughtful silence, and during the next commercial, the wife replied,
"You know, I don't know. I don't even think we got a Christmas card from them this year."
-==-=-=
-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=---=-=
-=-=
TO BE THANKFUL FOR:
The mess to clean after a party because it means I have been surrounded by friends.
The taxes I pay because it means that I'm employed.
The clothes that fit a little too snug because it means I have enough to eat.
My shadow who watches me work because it means I am out in the sunshine.
A lawn that needs mowing, windows that need cleaning and gutters that need fixing because it means I have a home.
All the complaining I hear about our government because it means we have freedom of speech.
The space I find at the far end of the parking lot because it means I am capable of walking.
My huge heating bill because it means I am warm.
The lady behind me in church who sings off key because it means that I can hear.
The piles of laundry and ironing because it means I have clothes to wear.
Weariness and aching muscles at the end of the day because it means I have been productive.
The alarm that goes off in the early morning hours because it means that I'm alive.
Getting too much email bogs me down but at least I know I have friends who are thinking of me.
Unknown -- Have a magic day! http://funandmagic.com/ BTW - Please FEED THE HUNGRY! All you do is click and some hungry person gets a meal, paid by corporate sponsors. Go once a day. http://www.thehungersite.com
Subject: Big Black Hole, Really Big! Oregon lighthouse, Tears, Recipes Date: Sun, 07 Nov 1999 10:01:48 -0800 From: Magic Mike Berger <mmb Organization: http://funandmagic.com/ To: you <myfriends
Hi, I have a lot of new things for you today. See a massive
black hole that Hubble photographed, and a very-Sunday-morning photo of
a lighthouse on the Oregon coast, at http://funandmagic.com/photolinks2.htm.
Tears In Heaven is new on the WAV page, http://funandmagic.com/coolsoundswavs.html.
On the Recipe page are a dozen new ones, http://funandmagic.com/Recipes.html.
And the cartoon and inspiration pages also have new stuff.
Have a magic day and pass it on.
Magic Mike http://funandmagic.com/
"Information. Can I help you?"
"I'd like the number of the Theater Guild, please."
"One moment, please." Pause. "I'm sorry sir, I have no listing for a Theodore Guild."
"No, no. It isn't a person. It's an organization. It's Theater Guild."
"I told you, sir. I have no listing for a Theodore Guild."
"Not *Theodore*! *Theater*! The word is *theater*. T-H-E-A-T-E-R!"
"That, *sir*, is NOT the way you spell Theodore."~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Two mathematicians, Joe and Richard , were having dinner
in a restaurant. They were arguing about the average mathematical knowledge
of the American public. Richard claimed that this average was woefully
inadequate while Joe maintained that it was surpassingly high.
"I'll tell you what, "said Richard, "when I get back from the bathroom we'll ask our waitress a simple calculus question. If she gets it right, I'll pick up dinner. If not, you do, okay?" they agreed, but once he'd left Joe called the waitress over.
"When my friend comes back, " he told her, " he's going to ask you a question; you should respond "one third x cubed' no matter what the question is; got that? There's twenty bucks in it for you." She happily agreed to the gag.
Richard returned from the men's room and called the waitress over. "The food was wonderful," he stated, "incidentally, do you know what the integral of x squared is?"
The waitress looked startled, then pensive, almost pained. She looked around the room, at her feet , made gurgling noises, (Joe was starting to sweat) and finally said, "Umm, one third x cubed?"
Joe beamed in relief as an astonished Richard paid the
check and a clearly irritated waitress muttered under her breath, "...
plus a constant."
~~~~~~
Q. What, exactly, is the Internet? A. The Internet is a worldwide
network of university, government, business, and private computer systems.
Q. Who runs it? A. A 13-year-old named Jason.
Q. How can I get on the Internet? A. The easiest way is to sign up with one of the popular commercial "online" services, such as Prodigy, CompuServe, or America Online, which will give you their program disks for free. Or, if you just leave your house unlocked, they'll sneak in some night and install their programs on your computer when you're sleeping. They really want your business.
Q. What are the benefits of these services? A. The major benefit is that they all have simple, "user-friendly" interfaces that enable you - even if you have no previous computer Experience - to provide the online services with the information they need to automatically put monthly charges on your credit card bill forever.
Q. What if I die? A. They don't care.
Q. Can't I cancel my account? A. Of course! You can cancel your account at anytime.
Q. How? A. Nobody has ever been able to find out. Some of us have been trying for years to cancel our online service accounts, but no matter what we do, the charges keep appearing on our bills. We're thinking of entering the Federal Witness Protection Program.
Q. What if I have children? A. You'll want an anesthetic, because it really hurts.
Q. No, I mean, What if my children also use my Internet account? A. You should just sign your house and major internal organs over to the online service right now.
Q. Aside from running up charges, what else can I do once I'm connected to an online service? A. Millions of things! An incredible array of things! No end of things!
Q. Like what? A. You can ... ummmm ... OK! I have one! You can chat. Q. Chat? A. Chat.
Q. I can already chat. I chat with my friends. A. Yes, but on the Internet, which connects millions of people all over the entire globe, you can chat with total strangers, many of whom are boring and stupid!
Q. Sounds great! How does it work? A. Well, first you decide which type of area you wish to chat in. Some areas are just for general chatting, and some are for specific interest groups, such as Teens, Poets, Cat Lovers, Religious People, Gays, Gay Teens Who Read Religious Poetry to Cats, and of course Guys Having Pointless Arguments About Sports. At any given moment, an area can contain anywhere from two to dozens of people, who use clever fake names such as "ByteMe2" so nobody will know their real identities.
Q. What are their real identities? A. They represent an incredible range of people, people of all ages, in all kinds of fascinating fields from scientists to singers, from writers to wranglers, from actors to athletes - you could be talking to almost anybody on the Internet!
Q. Really? A. No. You're almost always talking to losers and hormone-crazed 13-year-old boys. But they pretend to be writers, wranglers, scientists, singers, etc.
Q. What do people talk about in chat areas? A. Most chat-area discussions revolve around the fascinating topic of who is entering and leaving the chat area. A secondary, but equally fascinating, topic is where everybody lives. Also, for a change of pace, every now and then the discussion is interrupted by a hormone-crazed 13-year-old boy wishing to talk dirty to women.
****************************** ******************
*****************QUIPS & QUOTES
Some men go fishing all of their lives without knowing that it is not the fish they are after. --Henry David Thoreau
A bird in the hand is worth nothing... unless it happens to be a Spotted Owl, in which case I bet you could sell it to an animal rights group for a pretty tidy sum. --Michelle Argabrite
The Internet was designed to survive a nuclear war. But can it survive capitalism? --Charles Petrie
After the meek inherit the earth, I think we should just kick their butts and take it from them. --Jim Rosenberg
Magpie, n.: A bird whose thievish disposition suggested to someone that it might be taught to talk. --Ambrose Bierce, "The Devil's Dictionary"
Maier's Law: If the facts do not conform to the theory, they must be disposed of. Corollaries: 1. The bigger the theory, the better. 2. The experiment may be considered a success if no more than 50% of the observed measurements must be discarded to obtain a correspondence with the theory.
The primary purpose of the DATA statement is to give names to constants; instead of referring to pi as 3.141592653589793 at every appearance, the variable PI can be given that value with a DATA statement and used instead of the longer form of the constant. This also simplifies modifying the program, should the value of pi change. --FORTRAN manual for Xerox Computers
Democracy is also a form of worship. It is the worship of Jackals by Jackasses. --H.L. Mencken
Fifth Law of Applied Terror: If you are given an open-book exam, you will forget your book. Corollary: If you are given a take-home exam, you will forget where you live.
While you don't greatly need the outside world, it's still very reassuring to know that it's still there.
Majority, n.: That quality that distinguishes a crime from a law.
In an organization, each person rises to the level of his own incompetency --The Peter Principle
Others will look to you for stability, so hide when you bite your nails.
Accuracy, n.: The vice of being right.
How can you be in two places at once when you're not anywhere at all?
Pro is to con as progress is to Congress.
Conscience is what hurts when everything else feels so good.
You are only young once, but you can stay immature indefinitely.
Old soldiers never die. Young ones do.
Resisting temptation is easier when you think you'll probably get another chance later on.
Wagner's music is better than it sounds. --Mark Twain
It's not Camelot, but it's not Cleveland, either. --Kevin White, mayor of Boston
Research is what I'm doing when I don't know what I'm doing. --Wernher von Braun
In the land of the dark, the Ship of the Sun is driven by the Grateful Dead. --Egyptian Book of the Dead
If you explain so clearly that nobody can misunderstand, somebody will.
While money doesn't buy love, it puts you in a great bargaining position.
God is real, unless declared integer.
Every program is a part of some other program, and rarely fits.
The human mind ordinarily operates at only ten percent of its capacity -- the rest is overhead for the operating system.
Call on God, but row away from the rocks. --Indian proverb
****************************** ******************
*****************
NEW AND REFINED DICTIONARY DEFINITIONS
ADULT: A person who has stopped growing at both ends and is now growing in the middle.
BEAUTY PARLOR: A place, where women go to curl up and dye.
CANNIBAL: Someone who is fed up with people. CHICKENS: The only animals you eat before they are born and after they are dead. COMMITTEE: A body of people, that keep minutes and wastes hours.
DUST: Mud with the juice squeezed out. EGOTIST: Someone who is usually me-deep in conversation.
GOSSIP: A person who will never tell a lie if the truth will do more damage. HANDKERCHIEF: Cold Storage.
INFLATION: Cutting money in half without damaging the paper. MYTH: A female moth.
MOSQUITO: An insect that makes you like flies better. RAISIN: Grape with sunburn.
SECRET: Something you tell to one person at a time. TOOTHACHE: The pain that drives you to extraction.
TOMORROW: One of the greatest labor saving devices of today. YAWN: An honest opinion openly expressed.
WRINKLES: Something other people have. You have character
lines.
.- - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - -
.- - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - -
---
It seems that Ben & Jerry's Ice Cream is now available in Israel ... in the following flavors:
Wailing Walnut Moishmellow Mazel Toffee Chazalnut Oy Ge-malt
Mi Ka-mocha Soda & Gamorra Bernard Malamint Berry Pr'i Hagafen Choc-Eilat
Chip and finally (drum roll, please)......... Simchas T'oreo. It should
also be noted that all these flavors come in a Cohen!
-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=
A woman is suing the pharmacy that sold her a popular contraceptive jelly - because she ate the stuff on toast and got pregnant anyway. And, incredibly, many legal experts are saying she's got an excellent chance of collecting! "The woman is a complete idiot," said one attorney who asked that we not use his name. "How bright can you be if you think eating a vaginal gel will prevent conception?" But certain aspects of the case involve truth in labeling and false advertising issues. "She may not collect but she'll make a lot of noise and trouble. People are down on lawyers anyway. They think we waste time and money on frivolous lawsuits. This isn't going to help our public relations any." A spokesman for the unnamed mom-and-pop drugstore says he's shocked and angry that such a case could ever be taken seriously. "All she has to do is open the box and read the directions," says the spokesman. "Next thing you know someone will come after us because they couldn't stick things together with their toothpaste. I can just imagine some moron saying: 'It's paste, isn't it? Why can't I glue these papers onto my bulletin board?'" But attorneys for Mrs. Chyton say she was swindled and lied to by implication and they intend to make the pharmacy pay $500,000 for the hardship the woman will have to endure. "It says right on it 'jelly,'" says Mrs. Chyton, a former model who was once a cheerleader for a popular professional basketball team. "And they kept it on the shelf just two aisles from the food section. I know, now, that the directions say it should be used vaginally with a condom. But who has time to sit around reading directions these days - especially when you're sexually aroused?" "The company should call it something else and the pharmacy shouldn't sell it without telling each and every customer who buys it that eating it won't prevent you from getting pregnant." As bizarre as it sounds, the pharmacy could wind up losing the lawsuit. "It's hard for businesses to avoid troublesome lawsuits," said another attorney. "With the courts bending over backwards to please consumer groups, the temper of the times is perfect for these crackpots to bring legal action against businesses - even a moronic legal action like this." -- Have a magic day! http://funandmagic.com/ BTW - Please FEED THE HUNGRY! All you do is click and some hungry person gets a meal, paid by corporate sponsors. Go once a day. http://www.thehungersite.com
Subject: Crater Lake at sunrise Date: Thu, 04 Nov 1999 09:02:56 -0800 From: Magic Mike Berger <mmb Organization: http://funandmagic.com/ To: you <myfriends
Hi,
Here is Oregon's famous Crater Lake at sunrise. The volcano
blew it's top many years ago, the cone formed and island when the crater
filled with water. http://funandmagic.com/photolinks2.htm. Let me know how you
like the Moon Dance song on the photo page. I have a DSL line so it loads
at 250kps. How is it for those of you with slower modems? New recipes and
inspirations are on site.
Have a magic day and pass it on.
Magic Mike http://funandmagic.com/
The spinal column is a long bunch of bones. The head sits on the top, and you sit on the bottom.
It is so hot in some places that people there have to live in other places.
Momentum is something you give a person when they go away.
Mushrooms always grow in damp places which is why they look like umbrellas.
The four seasons are salt, pepper, mustard, and vinegar.
The alimentary canal is located in the northern part of Indiana.
Thunder is a rich source of loudness.
Some people can tell what time it is by looking at the sun, but I never have been able to make out the numbers.
When planets run around and around in circles, we say they are orbiting. When people do it, we say they are crazy.
One of the main causes of dust is DIRT.
A monsoon is a French gentleman.
To keep milk from turning sour, keep it in the cow.
Genetics explains why you look like your father, and if you don't, why you should.
Water vapor gets together in a big cloud. When it gets big enough to be called a drop, it does.
There is a tremendous weight pushing down on the center of the Earth because so many people are stomping around there these days.
The cause of perfume disappearing is evaporation. Evaporation gets blamed for a lot of things people forget to put the top on.
You can listen to thunder and tell how close you came
to getting hit. If you don't hear it, you got hit, so never mind.
.- - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - -
.- - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - -
-----
An agitated patient was stomping around the psychiatrist's office, running his hands through his hair, almost in tears.
"Doctor, my memory's gone. Gone! I can't remember my wife's name. Can't remember my children's names. Can't remember what kind of car I drive. Can't remember where I work. It was all I could do to find my way here."
"Calm down. How long have you been like this?"
"Like what?"
.- - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - -
--------------
One day a group of scientists got together and decided that humans had come a long way and no longer needed God. So they picked one scientist to go and tell God so.
The scientist walked up to God and said, "God, we've decided that we no longer need you; We're to the point that we can clone people and do many miraculous things, so why don't You just go on and get lost."
God listened very patiently and kindly to the man. After the scientist was done talking, God said, "Very well, how about this? Let's say we have a man-making contest." To which the scientist replied, "Okay, great!"
"But," God added, "we're going to do this just like I did back in the old days with Adam."
The scientist said, "Sure, no problem" and bent down and grabbed himself a handful of dirt.
God looked at him and said, "No, no, no. You go get your own dirt."
.- - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - -
.- - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - -
.- - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - -
A foursome of senior golfers hit the course with waning enthusiasm for the sport.
"These hills are getting steeper as the years go by," one complained.
"These fairways seem to be getting longer too," said one of the others.
"The sand traps seem to be bigger than I remember them too," said the third senior.
After hearing enough from his Senior buddies, the oldest, and the wisest of the four of them at 87 years old, piped up and said,
"Oh my friends, just be thankful we're still on this side of the grass!"
.- - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - -
.- - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - -
-----
REJECT REJECTION
How often do you feel rejected? Think about it. The person you asked on a date said "No", a prospect said "No" to buying the product you sell, and your boss didn't like your 'great' idea. The list goes on and on doesn't it? We all hear the word "No" several times a day, and we have since we were little children. Yet still, to this day, each time you are rejected, a tiny piece of your self-esteem is stripped away from an increasingly suffering self-image. Why is that?
There are two key reasons why you may be feeling rejected. The first reason is because you are accepting what others are saying to you. You do not have to accept everything everyone says! For example, when someone offers you a gift and you choose not to accept it, who then does the gift belong to? It still belongs to the 'giver' of course. So the next time someone offers you a gift, such as a direct insult, choose not to accept their gift, and it will still belong to them! Just because another person thinks you are a *&%!#@!!, it does not mean you have to think it. Don't let other people choose how you will feel.
The second reason you may feel rejected is because you believe that when a person says "No" to you, or rejects you in some way, they are actually rejecting you. But they are not. What they are rejecting is your idea or simply the way you presented your idea. Have you ever asked the same person on a date several times and each time they said "No" and then all of a sudden, one day, you ask that same person out and he or she says "Yes"! Why is that? After all, you are the same person you were yesterday and the day before when you heard the answer "No".
The answer is simple really, yet few people see it. The fact of the matter is that you haven't changed in anyway. What has changed is your approach. That is, the way in which you presented yourself and the idea you were trying to sell. You see, rarely do people reject people. Even when another person thinks they are rejecting you, what they are really rejecting is one idea that you presented to them. And even then, it often isn't the idea, but the presentation. This is where the power of persistence comes in! In order to be successful in any endeavor, you must be persistent. "If at first you don't succeed, try, try again!" Eventually you will reach your goal and acceptance from those who you are presenting to. The key is to notice what isn't working and change your approach. Keep changing your approach until you find the one that works.
Pick any person who you believe to be extremely successful in any area and chances are that same person has also had more failures and rejections in that area than most other people. Often the only difference is that the successful person was persistent and understood that each failure and rejection brought him closer to success. Most people give up after just one try. Don't be most people! Be persistent in striving for whatever it is you want and don't accept every gift that is offered to you! I guarantee that if you want something bad enough, you will eventually get it.
Glen Hopkins
.- - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - -
.- - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - -
----
OVERCOMERS - THE STORK WHO WOULD NOT BELIEVE HE COULD NOT FLY
E.T. was probably the ugliest bird anybody had ever seen. He arrived at CROW (Centre for the Rehabilitation of Wildlife) in Durban with a badly broken wing. He was a marabou stork brought into the centre by a kindly soul who picked him up on the highway. Marabou storks are scavengers and E.T. had been pecking at a dead crow on the highway when he was hit by a car. With his long, pink, featherless, scrawny neck and long sharp beak the name "ET" suited him very well.
When I was called in to look at him, it was fairly obvious that there was not much I could do for him. His right humerus was fractured in two places, and in my opinion the chances of E.T. ever flying again were extremely remote. I strapped the wing up as best I could, getting a painful reminder of how sharp marabou storks' beaks are in the process.
E.T. soon became a firm favourite at CROW. He had the run of the place and always came out to check out any new arrivals. He also had the nasty habit of sidling up to you when you weren't looking, and giving you a painful nip on your butt.
After about a year, one of the nurses noticed that E.T. was trying to flap his wings. It was really a poor attempt: he could hardly lift the injured right wing. Everybody came out to mock poor old E.T.'s funny efforts. It was fairly obvious to everyone that this bird would never fly.
Obviously E.T. did not believe us. He just kept on flapping his wings every day. It was pitiful really. We all knew that he was wasting his time, but there he was flapping away every chance he got. This went on for another three years, and the the staff did not even watch him make a fool of himself anymore.
One morning E.T. was missing. We all thought that he probably ended up in some vagrant's cooking pot, as they often took small mammals and birds at night. We were all rather sad and resolved to improve security at CROW. Two days later the most astonishing thing happened: E.T. came gliding over the tall bluegum trees surrounding CROW and landed in an ungainly heap in front of the wildlife hospital! Everybody rejoiced and felt a little ashamed at our lack of faith. It can truly be said that E.T. was the only creature at CROW who never stopped believing that he could fly. He now comes and goes as he pleases, and I could swear that he has a contant smirk on his ungainly face.
Dr. Gerry P. Retief -- Have a magic day! http://funandmagic.com/ BTW - Please FEED THE HUNGRY! All you do is click and some hungry person gets a meal, paid by corporate sponsors. Go once a day. http://www.thehungersite.com
Back to Joke Page #3 Magic Mike's Joke Page Parlor Magic Mike's Home Page
