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"Since all phenomena, is a product of
one's own mind, empty of meaning, like a magician's illusion,
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TO FIND SOMETHING USE THE EDIT/FIND
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Subject: 3 cents to United Kingdom, France, Germany, Italy, and Japan Date: Wed, 30 Jun 1999 17:51:24 -0700 From: Magic Mike B <mmb Organization: Sales Magic, Photos and Training Videos http://funandmagic.com/ http://ld.net/?phon4less To: you
Hi, Achooo! Gegenschein!! The gegenschein is sunlight
back-scattered off small dust particles. I'll send you there at http://funandmagic.com/photolinks1.htm
. Tired of those 's? Do YOUR part and don't send them! The
Cleaner This utility is ideal if you distribute a lot of jokes through
e-mail. See, it's really annoying to see all the leading ""
symbols in the front of each line. This nifty little program removes them
from e-mail, making the message look cleaner and avoids all the multiple
lines with chopped word wrapping. Now if only it made the jokes funny.
http://www.pcworld.com/r/shw/1%2C2087%2C6492%2C00.html Going to look for
Merlin with the Ken Kesey and The Pranksters this Fall. Get a phone card
for 3 cents a minute to Europe and Japan, 3 cents a minute in the USA.
http://ld.net/ice/?phon4less . Remember, you you want any of these services,
sign up first as a free agent and buy them form yourself and you get further
savings with your commission. http://telcom-mlm.com/bizop.cgi?phon4less
. If you like the idea of one second billing, try Quest for your phone,
http://qbizagent.com/?phon4less . Below is something that may be a life
saving tip. If you have medical experience, please let me know what you
think. I will pass it on, I don't know anything about it, but I will send
it along for your thoughts.
Have a magic day and pass it on.
Magic Mike
XVIII Impurity
v244 Life is easy for the shameless and bold person who is careless of others.
v245 But life is hard for the modest and thoughtful person who is active and considerate.
v246 If you destroy life, or take another man's wife, or lie and steal,
v247 And if you stupefy yourself with drink, you destroy your own roots.
v248 Do not make such suffering for yourself through your own greed and mischief.
v249 He or she who envies the food or gifts given to others will never know peace of mind.
v250 But he or she who is not greedy has peace of mind by day and by night.
v251 There is no fire like hatred, no rushing river like craving, no snare like illusion.
v252 How easy to see the faults of others, but how hard to see one's own. People gossip about the faults of others, but hid their own as a cheat covers up a losing throw of the dice.
v253 He or she who always finds fault with others, will let their own faults multiply; they are far from the end of their journey.
v254 No one whose thoughts are only of this world can be a follower of the awakened, for the world delights in craving and false values. The awakened are free from both.
v255 No one whose thoughts are only of this world can
be a follower of the awakened. All things in this world are changing, but
enlightenment remains forever. (Thus ends the chapter, Impurity)
-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=
Hugh Heftier and Heather Locker die and go to heaven. They are greeted
by St. Peter who says to Hugh, "You have corrupted the lives of many
men and boys alike with your pornography. You have only one chance to get
into the kingdom of God, you must walk down that tunnel without even one
unclean thought. If you do, a trap door will open up under you and you
will fall into hell where you will cry and gnash your teeth."
Hugh decides that this will be easy for the tunnel is only 100 feet long. So he begins down the tunnel with St. Peter following behind. About half way down the tunnel St. Peter leans over towards Hugh and yells "Tits!!" and a trap door opens and Hugh falls down into Hell.
St. Peter then goes to Heather Locker and says, "You have corrupted the lives of many men and boys alike with your sexy looks. You have only one chance to get into the kingdom of God, you must walk down that tunnel without even one unclean thought. If you do, a trap door will open up under you and you will fall into hell where you will cry and gnash your teeth."
They begin there long trek down the tunnel. About half
way down St. Peter leans over towards Heather and a trap door opens and
St. Peter falls down into Hell.
-==-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=
QUIPS & QUOTES
A mind fallow becomes overgrown with the weeds of confusion and forgetfulness. --Father Mica Burns
You know what would be cool? If someone who just robbed a bank came running up
the street and suddenly just gave you the money. That way, you could turn it in and get the reward, and you wouldn't
have to use the ATM for, like, a week. --Michelle Argabrite
I don't like spinach, and I'm glad I don't, because if I liked it I'd eat it, and I just hate it. --Clearance Arrow
Tonight's the night: Sleep in a eucalyptus tree.
Greenery's Law: Never argue with a man who buys ink by the barrel.
He had that rare weird electricity about him -- that extremely wild and heavy presence that you only see in a person who has abandoned all hope of ever behaving "normally." --Hunter S. Thompson, "Fear and Loathing '72"
Artistic ventures highlighted. Rob a museum.
If God had not given us sticky tape, it would have been necessary to invent it.
Snack trek, n.: The peculiar habit, when searching for a snack, of constantly returning to the refrigerator in hopes that something new will have materialized. --Rich Hall, "Singles"
I have a simple philosophy: Fill what's empty. Empty what's full. Scratch where it itches. --A.R. Long worth
God is a comic playing to an audience that's afraid to laugh.
Alexander Graham Bell is alive and well in New York, and still waiting for a dial tone.
Eisenhower was very nice, Nikon was his only vice. --C. Deign
You're never too old to become younger. --Am West
To YOU I'm an atheist; to God, I'm the Loyal Opposition. --Woody Allen
Millions long for immortality who do not know what to do with themselves on a rainy Sunday afternoon. --Susan Hertz
Injustice anywhere is a threat to justice everywhere. --Martin Luther King, Jr.
The more laws and order are made prominent, the more thieves and robbers there will be. --Lao Tsu
Ken Thompson has an automobile which he helped design. Unlike most automobiles, it has neither speedometer, nor gas gage, nor any of the numerous idiot lights which plague the modern driver. Rather, if the driver makes any mistake, a giant "?" lights up in the center of the dashboard. "The experienced driver," he says, "will usually know what's wrong."
F u cn rd ths u cnt spl wrth a dm!
Cleveland? Yes, I spent a week there one day.
I must have slipped a disk -- my pack hurts.
NOBODY EXPECTS THE SPANISH INQUISITION
It is not true that life is one damn thing after another -- it's one damn thing
over and over. --Edna St. Vincent Millay
Canada Bill Jone's Motto: It's morally wrong to allow suckers to keep their money. Supplement: A .44 magnum beats four aces.
Bolub's Fourth Law of Computerdom: Project teams detest weekly progress reporting because it so vividly manifests their lack of progress.
A banker is a fellow who lends you his umbrella when the
sun is shining and wants it back the minute it begins to rain. --Mark Twain-=-=-=-=-=--=---=-=-=
Dentists do it orally Cops do it with cuffs DJ's do it on request Truckers
do it in the road Soldiers do it under orders Detectives do it under cover
Australians do it Down Under Zoologists do it with animals Gardeners do
it in the bushes Gas attendants Pump all day Firemen do it with a big hose
Frank Sinatra does it his way Engineers do it to specification Garbagemen
cum twice a week Chess players check their Mates Ambulance drivers come
quicker Pianists touch, tickle, and titillate! Housewives do it for an
allowance Jockeys gallop hard and finish fast Mountain Climbers like to
be on top Waiters and waitresses do it for tips Accountants do it with
Double Entry Landlords do it every 1st of the month Acupuncturists do it
with a small prick Travel Agents do it in lots of different places Deep-sea
divers do it under extreme pressure Don't do it with Bankers, most of them
are Tellers Pizza delivery men come in 30 minutes or it's free Bankers
do it with interest, Bartenders do it on the Rocks Watch out for tennis
players - love means nothing to them! And Last, But Not Least Postal Workers
- Lick It Before We Stick It
-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=--=
During the "rush hour" at Houston's Hobby Airport, my flight
was delayed due to a mechanical problem. Since they needed the gate for
another flight, the aircraft was backed away from the gate while the maintenance
crew worked on it. We were then told the new gate number, which was some
distance away. Everyone moved to the new gate, only to find that a third
gate had been designated for us.
After some further shuffling, everyone got on board, and as we were settling in,
the flight attendant made the standard announcement, "We apologize for the inconvenience of this last-minute gate change. This flight is going to Washington, D.C. If your destination is not Washington, D.C., then you should 'deplane' at this time."
A very confused-looking and red-faced pilot emerged from the cockpit, carrying his bags. "Sorry," he said, "wrong plane."-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=
Two attorneys have planned to meet for lunch, but one of them shows up
30 minutes late.
The one who's been waiting asks his partner: "What kept you?"
"I ran over a Coke bottle and got a flat tire."
"A Coke bottle in the road? Didn't you see it?"
"No, the kid had it under his coat."
~~~~~~
Subject: Planet Proctor Date: Sun, 27 Jun 1999 09:31:30 -0700 From: Magic Mike B <mmb Organization: http://ld.net/?phon4less To: you
Hi, See the magnificent spiral galaxy NGC 4565 is viewed
edge-on from planet Earth. Its core of stars bulges from the center of
a thin disk of spiral arms and dust. http://funandmagic.com/photolinks1.htm
. Check out this long distance rate search engine. http://longdist.net/?phon4less
. It will show you ALL the phone rates to the place you commonly call.
Try it for 2 minutes, 5 minutes, and 60 minutes to your usual call and
see what everyone charges. I have no doubt my rates are better than yours.
Use it, and cut your bill in half. Sell it, and make some money. Can't
hurt. Planet Proctor Orbits the bottom. Some more verses from the Dhammaphada
circle the top. Have a magic day and pass it on. Magic Mike parlor.htm
XVIII Impurity
v239 As a silversmith removes dust from silver, so the wise one rids him or herself gradually of all impurities.
v240 As rust which springs from iron corrodes it, so the harm which people do destroys them.
v241 The sacred verses rust when they are not said, a house is destroyed when no one repairs it, beauty is marred through lazy neglect, the watchman is ruined by his carelessness.
v242 When a woman lacks loyalty and a man lacks generosity, there is impurity in this world and the next.
v243 The worst impurity of all is ignorance. Remove your ignorance and be pure.
(to be continued)-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=
-=-=-=-=-=-=-=
=
IF THESE TIDBITS ARE TOO SALACIOUS, THEN TURN OFF YOUR 'PUTER AND GO WATCH
TV...MAYBE "THE HOWARD STERN SHOW"...HMMMMM?
What's the height of conceit? Having an orgasm and calling
out your own name. ~*~ What's the definition of macho? Jogging home from
your own vasectomy. ~*~ I walked in a bar the other day and ordered a double.
The bartender brings out a guy who looks just like me. ~*~ Why is divorce
so expensive? Because it's worth it. (Booooo!) ~*~ What's Slick Willie's
new nickname? President-Erect. ~*~ What is Clinton's new Secret Service
Code Name? Unibanger.
.- - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - -
.- - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - -
.- - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - -
------------The U.S. Treasury has just announced that it will sell three new types of bonds:
The Al Gore Bond, which has no interest. The Monica Lewinsky
Bond, which has no maturity. The Bill Clinton Bond, which has no principle.
....AUTHOR IS KNOWN BUT CHOOSES TO REMAIN ANONYMOUS...
-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=
SO THAT EXPLAINS IT...
I was watching a show on anthropology a while ago which stated that human males have the largest penis of all of the primates.
I remember thinking, "Aha! That explains why we learned to walk upright: Just showing off."-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=
-=
Subject: PP 99 - 14
Date: Sun, 27 Jun 1999 02:30:22 -0400
From: Phil Proctor <PProctor@compuserve.com
To: AAA <pproctor@compuserve.com
(((((((((((((((((((((((((((((((( PP 99 - 14
"Art grows out of me like a toenail. I have to cut it off, and then it grows again" -- Jean Arp
THE FIRESIGN THIS TIME We're working hard at Bob Wayne's Sunburst Studio in Culver City on the new Firesign DVD/CD "Billville", hoping to finish it in time to be eligible for another Grammy nomination. In the meanwhile, Tulis McCall's one-woman show "Running with Scissors" is still at the Court on La Cienega for the last two weeks of its Tuesday Wednesday shows. Some reviews for youse: "McCall is very funny, always elegant and on target, with a cheerfully jaundiced view of the world ... Philip Proctor provides lovingly unobtrusive direction." (Neal Weaver, "L.A. Weekly"). And Backstage West reviewer Brad Schreiber says, "McCall's transcendent writing and performance, and Proctor's keen eye, have helped [present] a dysfunctional family you cannot help but love, even when they make you squirm." Tickets are available -- 20 % off to PP readers -- by calling 310 41-TULIS.
"Beware of a fork in the road or a knife in the water, or for that mattter, any Polish film with subtitles." -- Kehlog Albran in "The Profit" Price/Stern/Sloan
DIPS WITH CHIPS As General Y2K said to host Harold Hiphugger on RadioNow's "Nightwhispers", "I was napping poolside at the Gulf War Swimdrome when the government put a chip in my ass -- and I'm not going to take it sitting down!" Well, those who laughed at that remark better wipe the smirk off their faces, because there is a story circulating that during surgery to remove a bullet from a reputed mobster Vinnie "Gigi Portalia" Marino's butt, the U.S. Drug Enforcement Agency may have implanted "a tracking device". Although denied by U.S. attorney Daniel Stern in Roy Rivenburg's L.A. Time "Off-Kilter" column, Stern did say, "We cannot speak...for any extraterrestrial beings."
"It has remarkable ice-to-drink adaptability" -- From some 7-11 "Big Gulp" voice-over copy.
COME AGAIN? The Daystart International (Multimedia) Ministry of Richmond, Va. and Hereford, England, is going to use a "messiahcam" in the vicinity of the Mount of Olives pointed at Jerusalem's Eastern Gate to capture the Messiah's entry into the city as anticipated some time in Y2K. Although hordes of the faithful are showing up in person, ministry president Christine Darg asserts that they hope to satisfy legions of "couch pilgrims" with their webcam. Pictures will be beamed from the heavens to www.messiahcam.org. Hallellulia! However, on June 30, I'll be busy watching regular TV to see what happens in the nation's schools after the opening of the R-rated "South Park: Bigger, Longer and Uncut". Matt Stone, the co-creator of the violence-pocked satirical, animated series starring rebellious kids, grew up, -- where? -- in Littleton, Colorado.
"If we wanted great positive entertainment for our children and we watched it, that's where the ads would be [and] where the industry would be." -- Ross Perot to Larry King
DAT'S WHA DE MON SAID! Rev. Jerry Falwell's National Liberty Journal which previously outed the Teletubby Kinky Winky " as limpy-wristy, now reveals in the June "Parents Alert" column that the all-female "Lilith Fair" tour opening July 8th and featuring Sheryl Crow, The Dixie Chicks and founder Sarah McLachlan, is "demonic". In ancient Jewish lore, God formed Lilith to be Adam's first mate, but she was expelled after refusing to be submissive. Thence, according to pagan legend, Lilith took up with demons, lost her mind after seeing her children murdered and accourding to the Journal "went on a killing spree, seducing and murdering her own demonic male offspring and then slaying their children." Lying, two-faced, obviously possessed tour PR rep Ambrosia Healy says the Fair got its name" from a woman seeking equality and independence." Sure.
"I don't make jokes. I just watch the government and report the facts." -- Will Rogers
SERENITY PRAYER 2000 Grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change, The courage to change the things I cannot accept, And the wisdom to hide the bodies of those people I had to kill today Because they pissed me off. Also, help me to be careful of the toes I step on today As they may be connected to the ass That I may have to kiss tomorrow. Help me to always give 100% at work... 12% on Monday, 23% on Tuesday, 40% on Wednesday, 20% on Thursday, 5% on Friday. And help me to remember when I'm having a really bad day, And it seems that people are trying to piss me off, That it takes 42 muscles to frown, And only 4 to extend my middle finger And tell them to bite me. Amen.
"You owe it to yourself to see things, to live deliberately, to suck the marrow out of the bones."Actor/director Joan Chen in the L.A. Times
JUST ASKING Why doesn't glue stick to the inside of the bottle? Can fat people go skinny-dipping? Can you be a closet claustrophobic? Why is the word abbreviation so long? Is it possible to be totally partial? What's another word for thesaurus? If a book about failures doesn't sell, is it a success? If the funeral procession is at night, do folks drive with their lights off? When companies ship styrofoam, what do they pack it in? If you're cross-eyed and have dyslexia, can you read all right? If a stealth bomber crashes in a forest, will it make a sound? If the cops arrest a mime, do they tell him he has the right to remain silent? Do cemetery workers prefer the graveyard shift? What do you do when you see an endangered animal that eats only endangered plants? Why is bra singular and panties plural? If a mute swears, does his mother wash his hands with soap? If someone with multiple personalities threatens to kill himself, is it considered a hostage situation? Instead of talking to your plants, if you yelled at them would they still grow? Only to be troubled and insecure? Is there another word for synonym? Isn't it a bit unnerving that doctors call what they do "practice"? When sign makers go on strike, is anything written on their signs? When you open a bag of cotton balls, is the top one meant to be thrown away? Where do forest rangers go to "get away from it all"? Why isn't there mouse-flavored cat food? Why do they report power outages on TV?
"A condemned man does not start chain letters." -- "The Profit" again, (Illustrated by the author with twelve mystical, hard-to-understand drawings).
NO ARM MEANT (AP) Raising the right arm of the 12-inch-high "Rad Repeatin' Tarzan" switches on a recording of his jungle yell, but the spring-loaded arm can be pumped rapidly up and down from Tarzan's chest to below his loin cloth, a motion that some deem "sexually suggestive". Although no changes will be made to the doll itself, the action figure is displayed in an open-front package so kids can try out the toy before buying it; and now Mattel's gonna make sure the arm is secured so it can't drop below Tarzan's waist while still on the shelf. Then there's the story of the "perverted" talking randy Austin Powers doll. "Wanna shag?" Let's not even go there. Mattel spokeswoman Sara Rosales said, Kids have a much more innocent concept. I think this is where adults look at things through a different set of eyes." Oh yeah? Let's ask Falwell...
"I am filled with humidity." Texas House Speaker Gib Lewis
DON'T BLOW IT! Although a recent expedition respectifully left the ill-fated, well-preserved 38-year-old body of 1924 English climber George Mallory 27,000 feet up Mt. Everest, they did bring down several artifacts for display at a Tacoma, Washington museum. Among them were three letters, one of which was first believed to be from George's wife (but now seems to have been penned by an unidentified lady) and a blue and burgandy handkerchief. Eric Simonson, the mountaineer who led the expedition said, "It's just kind of amazing to think that George was blowing his nose in this." Unfortunately, that wasn't the only thing he and his partner Andrew Irvine blew, as judging by the frayed rope still tied tightly around Mallory's waist. The rights to these goods are presently in limbo, and Simonson adds, "An intellectual property lawyer would have a field day with this, because he could possibly bill for the next twenty years, researching it."
"Hey. Catch me at the unemployment office! Every Monday, 8 AM." --anrshure@earthlink.net
AND LASTLY, FAMOUS LAST WORDS This will be a short meeting. They'll feel terrific once you break them in. You can put it together yourself in five minutes. One slice of pizza won't blow my diet. You'll housebreak him in no time at all. Of course bring the kids! Believe me, NOBODY'S dressing up!
+++++++++++(6/27/99)++++++++++ * FIRESIGN SITE: www.firesigntheatre.com * FIRESIGN PRODUCT: www.lodestone-media.com * FUNNY TIMES: www.funnytimes.com
PLANET PROCTOR (C) 1999 by Phil Proctor
Subject: quick follow-up Date: Sat, 26 Jun 1999 19:49:38 -0700 From: Magic Mike B <mmb Organization: http://ld.net/?phon4less To: you
For some of you, a different card like Worldwide might be better. Also for some, Planet Earth or Quest is cheapest for your phone's 1+ service. . For me, using a lot of INstate calls, Premiercom is my best 1+ service. And you can demand it is your IN-state if you call your phone company. Use the rate search engine to see the best choices for YOUR call patterns. It will show the best rates available anywhere, and you can choose wisely how you spend your money. http://longdist.net/?phon4less . -Magic Mike
Subject: quick follow-up Date: Sat, 26 Jun 1999 19:49:38 -0700 From: Magic Mike B <mmb Organization: http://ld.net/?phon4less To: you
For some of you, a different card like Worldwide might be better. Also for some, Planet Earth or Quest is cheapest for your phone's 1+ service. . For me, using a lot of INstate calls, Premiercom is my best 1+ service. And you can demand it is your IN-state if you call your phone company. Use the rate search engine to see the best choices for YOUR call patterns. It will show the best rates available anywhere, and you can choose wisely how you spend your money. http://longdist.net/?phon4less . -Magic Mike
Subject: Elves Chasm Waterfall, Jokes, 3 cent phone card Date: Sat, 26 Jun 1999 19:31:29 -0700 From: Magic Mike B <mmb Organization: http://ld.net/?phon4less To: you
Hi, The Upper Falls at Elves Chasm, at the Grand Canyon is worthy of your desktop today, http://funandmagic.com/photolinks1.htm . So, I just bought $600 worth of ICE prepaid calling cards. I have already lined up a few stores to sell them, at THREE-POINT- NINE CENTS A MINUTE. That's right, just under 4 cents a minute. Get a 10% discount for orders of $500 or more. You can order them at any small or large quantity on my page, http://ld.net/ice/?phon4less . Call United Kingdom, France, Italy, Germany, Japan, etc., for only THREE cents a minute! Have a magic day. Magic Mike XVII Anger
v221 Overcoming anger and pride and all that binds you. He or she who does not cling to a name and status and who possesses nothing will not be destroyed by sorrow.
v222 He or she who curbs anger is like a charioteer controlling an unruly horse. Others merely hold the reins.
v223 Overcome anger with kindness, evil with goodness, meanness with generosity and lying with truth.
v224 Let one be truthful and calm, and give to those who are in want. By these three means will one be perfected.
v225 The wise are free from hatred and are the controllers of their minds. They will approach Nirvana and go beyond sorrow.
v226 Those who meditate and are watchful day and night will overcome their harmful thoughts and approach Nirvana.
v227 This is an old saying: The one who is silent is blamed; the one who talks too much is blamed; the one who says little is blamed. Whatever he or she does, they are blamed.
v228 People always give praise or blame. They always have and they always will.
v229 The one who is praised by the wise and lives a good life,
v230 Who would dare blame such a person, who is like a coin of purest gold?
v231 Beware of anger in you body. Control your body and your anger will be overcome.
v232 Beware of anger in your speech. Control your speech and your anger will be overcome.
v233 Beware of anger in your mind. Guard your mind carefully and overcome your anger with gentleness.
v234 The wise person has control of body, tongue and mind. He or she is the true master.
(Thus ends the chapter, Anger) --------- I've learned- that it's not what you have in your life that counts, but how much you have in your bank accounts.
I've learned - that you can get by on charm for about fifteen minutes. After that, you'd better have a big dick or huge tits.
I've learned- that you shouldn't compare yourself to others - they are more fucked up than you think.
I've learned- that money is a great substitute for character.
I've learned- To say "Fuck them if they can't take
a joke" !
-=-==-=-=-=-=-=-=
<A HREF="http://nikita.acmecity.com/valentine/161/" http://nikita.acmecity.com/va lentine/161/ </A (you know the drill click here) <A HREF="http://nikita.acmecity.com/valentine/161/sunset.html" http://nikita.acme city.com/valentine/161/sunset.html </A (you know the drill click here)
Three ladies, with boyfriends all named "LEROY" were at a bar when one of the ladies said, "I'm tired of getting my Leroy mixed up with your Leroy, and her Leroy, mixed up with your Leroy. Why don't we all name our Leroys after a soda pop?"
The other two ladies agree, and the first lady jumps in and says, "OK, then, let me go first.....I name my Leroy, 7-UP!"
The other two ladies jump in and ask her, "Why 7-UP?"
"Because my Leroy has 7 inches and its always UP!"
All three ladies holler and hoot and slap each other a high five, when the second lady says, "OK, I'm next....and I name my Leroy, Mountain Dew!"
The other two ladies ask, "Why Mountain Dew?"
"Because my Leroy can Mount and Dew me anytime!"
All three ladies proceed to holler and hoot and slap each other another high five.
The third lady then stands back and starts thinking and says, "You know, those two Leroys were good....but I'm gonna name mine Drambuie"
The other two ladies shout in unison, "Drambuie ? That's not a soda pop....that's a fancy liquor!"
The third lady shouts, "THAT'S MY LEROY!"
Subject: Pleasure, Pain, Dreams, Schemes, stupid statements, wise words Date: Fri, 25 Jun 1999 11:51:58 -0700 From: Magic Mike B <mmb Organization: Magic Jokes, Photos, Art, & Recipes http://funandmagic.com/ To: you
Hi, Stop by http://funandmagic.com/photolinks1.htm and see a nice little waterfall for your desk today. I can't tell you how much I love the Screensaver Slideshow to display all these great photos. Now a friend says to me, "Mike, what about this Excel Telephone Multi-level plan. Costs $140-$300 to join, you get a free computer when you sign up 10 people, kick backs from the sign-ups, etc." Folks, you can get cheaper long distance on my Phon4less Page. Choice of 6 dial plans that change your carrier, some dial around plans that don't change your carrier, and some phone card offers (billed or prepaid). A 5 cent phone card with a 29 cent surcharge or a 14.5 cent phone card with NO surcharges. And you can sign YOURSELF and others up for FREE. As in NO, ZERO, investment to anyone. Nada, Zip, Zilch, NONE. Even a free phone page for yourself. http://ld.net/?phon4less . Have a magic day and pass it on. Magic Mike parlor.htm
XVI Pleasure
v209 He or she who gives themselves entirely to sensual pleasures and does not meditate, gives up the real for the pleasant. They come to envy the man or woman who pursues wisdom.
v210 Do not cling to the pleasant, much less to the unpleasant. Losing that which you love brings suffering; harboring the pain of your loss brings more pain.
v211 Cling to nothing, for its loss is pain. Free yourself from attachment to the loved and the hated and you will loose the bonds which tie you.
v212 They who have overcome craving for what they love are free from fear and grief.
v213 Clinging to the loved causes fear and brings sorrow, but he or she who has overcome this clinging is free.
v214 Clinging to sensual pleasures brings fear and sorrow, but by overcoming this clinging one is free.
v215 From love of constant change and variety is born fear and sorrow. He or she who knows this is free from both.
v216 From craving is born fear and sorrow. He or she is free from craving who has no fear and no sorrow.
v217 The good person who speaks the truth and lives it is respected wherever he or she goes.
v218 The one whose mind is enlightened and free from craving and who strives for Nirvana, is called "One who has crossed the stream."
v219 Just as the man returned home from a journey is met by his relatives and friends...
v220 So persons of good deeds will be welcomed in their new life by good deeds.
(Thus ends the chapter, Pleasure)
-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-
TOILET SEAT COMPLAINT
Copied from Ann Landers' Column:
Dear Ann Landers: My next-door neighbor is my dearest friend. Yesterday, over coffee at my kitchen table, she seemed quite upset with her husband, "Jerry." It is a well-known fact that he has been running around on her for years, so I asked her if she had ever considered a divorce. She said, "Divorce -- never. But murder? Yes."
She continued, "Last night, I had to use the bathroom in the middle of the night -- a common occurrence. I didn't want to turn on the light for fear of waking Jerry, so I groped my way, as I have done many times before. When I reached my destination, I poised myself to be seated and fell right into the bowl. It seems my darling husband, for the millionth time, had left the seat up."
I listened patiently, trying my darnedest not to laugh. I could tell she didn't see anything funny about it. Finally, she said, "I wonder what Ann Landers would say." I told her I would write and ask. So, dear Ann, how about it? --Louisville, Ky.
Dear Louisville: Please make sure your neighbor sees this column. I just read about a contraption equipped with "intelligent sensors" that can tell if the seat is up or down. It sells at hardware stores for $29.99. It is actually a night light that attaches to the bowl and glows red if the seat is up and green if the seat is down.
The people who are marketing this unique item say it is
very popular. I have not seen one, but for some married couples, it might
be worth the investment.
-=-=-=-=-=-=--=-=-=
DREAMS
"You'll sleep," the doctor said. "This green pill will make you think of a beautiful native girl in Tahiti. With the white pill you'll dream of a fiery, dark-haired Italian girl in Venice. And with the yellow pill you'll dream of a voluptuous senorita in Rio."
The patient went home and told his wife, "I have
to take three pills. Don't wake me!" -=--=-=-=-=-=-=---=
The Priests' Car Breaks Down
Two priests were driving to the annual diocese convention in a distant city. It was a dark and stormy night, and the car broke down. They spotted a farmhouse a quarter mile off the road and walked to it. "We're broken down...may we use your phone?" says one of them to the farm lady.
"Sorry," the lady owner said, "It's just not working. Perhaps you had best spend the night." So they did.
A year later the two priests were traveling to the same convention. "Father James," said one of them, "do you remember the night we spent at that lady's farm?"
"But of course I do, Father William."
"Father James," said Father William in a hushed tone, "I wonder...did you perhaps tip-toe downstairs to the lady's room during the night?"
Came the response: "I may have, Father William, I may have."
"Father James," he continued in the same hushed tone, "did you happen to tell her that you were ME?"
"Well, I may have," said Father James with a guilty look. "I didn't want to get in trouble with the bishop. Are you angry with me at all, Father William?"
"Oh not at all," said Father William. "You see, she died and left me the farm."
-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-= There was a mamma mole, a papa mole,
and a baby mole. They lived in a hole outside of a farm house out in the
country. The papa mole popped his head out of the hole and said, "Mmmmm,
I smell sausage." The mama mole popped her head outside of the hole
and said "Mmmmmm, I smell pancakes." The baby mole tried to pop
his head outside the hole but couldn't because of the two bigger moles.
The baby mole said, "The only thing I can smell is molasses."-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=
A Sweeping Romance
Once upon a time, two brooms fell in love and decided to get married. Before the ceremony, the bride broom informed the groom broom she was expecting a little whisk-broom.
The groom broom was aghast. 'How is this possible?' he
asked. 'We've never even swept together!'
-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=
The following are actual quotes from (actual) Texas politicians:
"It just makes good sense to put all your eggs in one basket." Texas Rep. Joe Salem speaking on an amendment requiring all revenues to go into the state treasury
"Lemme give ya' a hypothetic." Texas Rep. Renal Rosson
"Ain't nothin' in the middle of the road but yellow stripes and dead armadillos." Texas Agriculture Commissioner Jim Hightower
"And now, will y'all stand and be recognized?" Texas House Speaker Gib Lewis to a group of handicapped people in wheelchairs
"Dallas salutes a person who can buy a piece of art, but not a person who can create one." A. C. Greene
"No thanks, once was enough." Texas Governor Bill Clements, asked if he had been born again
"Oh good. Now he'll be bi-ignorant." Texas Agriculture Commissioner Jim Hightower when told that Texas Governor Bill Clements had been studying Spanish
"I'd just make a little bit of money, I wouldn't make a whole lot." Texas House Speaker Gib Lewis defending himself against the charge that he would personally profit from a bill he had introduced.
"Well, there never was a Bible in the room." Texas Governor Bill Clements, asked about repeatedly lying about the SMU football scandal.
"I am filled with humidity." Texas House Speaker Gib Lewis
"If ignorance ever goes to $40 a barrel, I want drillin' rights on that man's head." Texas Agriculture Commissioner Jim Hightower discussing President George Bush's policies
"If it's dangerous to talk to yourself, it's probably even dicier to listen" Texas Agriculture Commissioner Jim Hightower
"I move we recess to go outside and throw up." Texas House Speaker Gib Lewis during a budget hearing
"This is a real competitive business." A gas station owner, when asked to explain the rapid rise in gasoline prices when Kuwait was invaded
"...idiots, imbeciles, aliens, the insane and women..." Law standing in Texas until 1918 regulating who could not vote
"It's the sediment of the House that we adjourn." Texas House Speaker Wayne Clayton
"Let's do this in one foul sweep." Texas House Speaker Wayne Clayton
"This is unparalyzed in the state's history." Texas House Speaker Gib Lewis
"I want to thank each and every one of you for having extinguished yourselves this session." Texas House Speaker Gib Lewis
"We'll run it up the flagpole and see who salutes that booger." Texas House Speaker Gib Lewis
"There's a lot of uncertainty that's not clear in my mind." Texas House Speaker Gib Lewis
"I can explain it for you, but I can't understand it for you." Anon.
"There are still places where people think that the
function of the media is to provide information." Don Rottenberg
-=-=-=---=-=
How many rednecks does it take eat a 'possum? Two. One to eat, and one
to watch for cars. ************
Why did God invent armadillos? So that rednecks can have 'possum on the
halfshell.
**************
What's the difference between a good ol' boy and a redneck? The good ol'
boy raises livestock. The redneck gets emotionally involved
***************
Best bar pick-up line in Kentucky: "Hey, you don't sweat much for
a fat broad."
--=-=-=-=-=-=--=-=-=-=
Rumination of the Day
I think NASCAR would be much more exciting if, like in
a skating rink, every 15 minutes someone announced it was time to reverse
direction.
--=-=-=--=---=-=-=
A Hopi elder speaks:
"You have been telling the people that this is the Eleventh Hour, now you must go back and tell the people that t h i s i s t h e H o u r. And there are things to be considered...
Where are you living? What are you doing? What are your relationships? Are you in right relation? Where is your water?
Know your garden. It is time to speak your Truth. Create your community. Be good to each other. And do not look outside yourself for the leader."
Then he clasped his hands together, smiled, and said, " T h i s c o u l d b e a g o o d t i m e ! "
WISDOM OF THE ELDERS
There is a river flowing now very fast. It is so great and swift, that there are those who will be afraid. They will try to hold on to the shore. They will feel they are being torn apart and will suffer greatly. Know the river has its destination. The elders say we must let go of the shore, push off into the middle of the river, keep our eyes open, and our heads above the water. And I say, see who is in there with you and celebrate.
At this time in history, we are to take nothing personally. Least of all, ourselves. For the moment that we do, our spiritual growth and journey comes to a halt.
The time of the lone wolf is over. Gather yourselves!
Banish the word struggle from your attitude and your vocabulary. All that we do now must be done in a sacred manner and in celebration.
WE ARE THE ONES WE'VE BEEN WAITING FOR.
Oraibi, Arizona Hopi Nation
Subject: jokes and stuff Date: Wed, 23 Jun 1999 08:17:32 -0700 From: Magic Mike B <mmb Organization: Magic Jokes, Photos, Art, & Recipes http://funandmagic.com/ To: you
Hi, See Deer Creek, one of the most popular side canyon
of the Colorado in this area. The creek has carved out a narrow slot about
half way through a tall vertical cliff. http://funandmagic.com/photolinks1.htm
.
Have a magic day and pass it on.
Magic Mike
-=-=-=-=-=-=-=
:If you receive an e-mail titled "PLEASE HELP
POOR DOG. Win A Holiday"
:DO NOT open it. It will erase everything on your hard drive. Forward
this letter out to as many people as you can.
This is a new, very malicious virus and not
many people know about it. This information was
announced yesterday morning from Microsoft, please share it with
everyone who
might access the Internet.
-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-
XV Happiness
v197 Live happily, without hating even those who hate you. Be free from hatred among those who hate.
v198 Live happily, in health, even among those who are sick.
v199 Live happily, free from greed among the greedy.
v200 Live happily, though you have no possessions. Be like the gods, feeding on love.
v201 Victory for one sows the seeds of hatredin another, for the loser is unhappy. Be calm and give up both victory and defeat.
v202 There is no fire like greed and no crime like hatred. There is no sorrow like being bound to this world; there is no happiness like freedom.
v203 Hunder is the greatest ill and this body the greatest source of sorrow'\; when one knows this Nirvana becomes the highest happiness.
v204 Health is the greatest of blessings, contentment the best riches, trust is the best of relationships; Nirvana is the highest happiness.
v205 Having tasted the sweetness of inner solitude and calmness, he or she who lives by the Law is free from fear and suffering.
v206 It is joy to see the awakened ones and to live with them in happiness.
v207 To travel with fools makes the journey long and hard and is as painful as travelling with an enemy. But the company of the wise is as pleasant as meeting with friends.
v208 Follow the wise, the intelligent and the awakened. Follow them as the moon follows the path of the stars.
(Thus ends the chapter, Happiness)
-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=
Washing Your Cat
Some people have the misconception that cats never have to be bathed. That somehow they "lick" themselves clean. Well, contrary to this popular belief, cats do NOT have some enzyme in their saliva that resembles Tide (with or without bleach).
Cats, like their nemesis, the dog .... do get dirty and have a variety of odors... from smelling like the outhouse where you camped last year to the same odor as your dog's breath. (Remember... your dog will try to eat anything.) Now we all know that cats HATE water. And we know that giving the cat a sedative to ease this process of a bath is out of the question.
So, the best approach is both sneaky and direct. Remember now, this is not the dumb dog who can be led to tub with lies and a trail of Kibbles and Bits.
Although your cat has the advantage of smarts, quickness and total lack of concern for you .... you have the advantage of size, strength, and the ability to wear protective garments.
1. First .... dress for the occasion. A 4-ply rubber wet suit is suggested, along with a helmet, face mask and welders gloves.
2. A Bathtub with a glass enclosure is preferred to the one with a shower curtain. A frenzied cat can shred one of these in about 3.5 seconds.
3. Have the Kitty Bubbles and towel in the enclosed bathtub area before hand. No ... blow drying the cat after the bath is not suggested.
4. Draw the water, making it a little warmer than needed as you still need to find the cat. Position everything strategically in the shower, so you can reach it even if you are face down or prone in the tub.
5. Find your cat. Use the element of surprise. Pick the cat up, nonchalantly as if you were simply carrying him/her to the supper dish. No need to worry about the cat noticing your strange attire... the cat barely notices you anyway.
6. Once you and the cat are inside the bathroom .... speed is essential. In one single liquid motion .shut the door to the bathroom, step into the shower, close the sliding doors, and drop the cat into the water. While the cat is still in a state of shock, locate the Kitty Bubbles and squirt whatever part of him is above the water line. You have just begun the wildest 45 seconds of your life. Remember that cats have no handles and add the fact that he now has soapy fur. His state of shock has worn off and he's madder than a wet hornet.
7. As best, you can, wearing welder's gloves, try to field his body as he catapults through the air toward the ceiling. If possible, give another squirt of Kitty Bubbles with his body now fully exposed.
8. During the 5 seconds you are able to hold onto him, rub vigorously. No need to worry about rinsing. As he slide down the glass enclosure into the tub, he will fall back into the water, rinsing himself in the process.
9. Only attempt the lather and rinse process about 3 times. The cat will realize the lack of traction on the glass by then and will use the next attempt on the first available part of you.
10. Next, the cat must be dried. No...this is NOT the easiest part. By this stage, you are worn out and the cat has just become semi-permanently affixed to your right leg. We suggest here that you drain the tub and in full view of your cat . reach for the bottle of Kitty Bubbles.
11. If you have done step 10 correctly, the cat will be off your leg and hanging precariously from your helmet. Although this view of the cat is most disgusting, he will be in a much better position for wrapping the towel around him.
12. Be sure cat is firmly wrapped in towel before opening tub enclosure. Open bathroom door .... put towel wrapped cat on floor and step back quickly. Into tub, if possible, and do not open enclosure until all you can see is the shredded towel.
13. In about 2 hours .... it will be safe to exit the bathroom. Your cat will be sitting out there somewhere looking like a small hedgehog while plotting revenge.
The Power of Positive Bitching
Don't be stingy with the STRESS! Pass it on & get
if off your chest! Why be chewed up by the daily grind? Get even! Express
yourself & Whine! You don't have to be all alone... Join the crowd
and Piss & Moan ! ! It's fun! It's functional! There is no end! BITCH
! BITCH ! BITCH ! Get with the program & Complain to a friend ! !
-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-
A husband a wife were celebrating their 90th wedding anniversary, and the
media was there to document the occasion. One of the reporters asked the
secret to their successful marriage and longevity. The wife replied that
they had never been sick. The young reporter was astonished and to confirm
said, "So, you've never been bedridden?" And the wife quickly
replied, "Oh, 1000's of times, and twice in a buggy."
-=-=-=-=-=-=-
Martin had just received his brand new drivers license. The family troops
out to the driveway, and climbs in the car, where he is going to take them
for a ride for the first time. Dad immediately heads for the back seat,
directly behind the newly minted driver ... "I'll bet you're back
there to get a change of scenery after all those months of sitting in the
front passenger seat teaching me how to drive," says the beaming boy
to the 'ole man ... "Nope," comes dad's reply, "I'm gonna
sit here and kick the back of yer seat as you drive, just like you've been
doing to me all these years."
-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=
The Pope and The Queen
The Pope and the Queen of England are on the same stage at an Anglican and Catholic commemoration of the Anglo-Irish accords - the crowd is huge - thousands. Her Majesty and His Holiness, can't help but have a little rivalry - both being heads of churches and all.
The Queen says to the Pope, "Did you know that with just one little wave of my hand I can make every English person in the crowd go wild?"
He doubts it, so she shows him. Sure enough, the royal-gloved wave elicits rapture and cheering from every Englishman in the crowd. Gradually, the
cheering subsides.
The Pope, not wanting to be outdone by someone wearing a worse frock and
hat than he, considers what he could do. So the Pope says to the Queen, "Your Majesty, that was impressive. But did you know that with one little wave of my hand I can make every Irish person in the crowd go crazy with joy? Their joy will not be a momentary display like that of your subjects, but will go deep into their hearts, and they will speak forever of this day and rejoice - they will recount it to their grandchildren and they to their descendants.
The Queen seriously doubts this, and says so. "One little wave of your hand and all Irish people will rejoice forever? Show me."
So the Pope slapped her.
-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=
Definition: OHNOSECOND OH'NO-SECOND
Defined as that infinitesmal period that lapses between
the time you hit "SEND" on your e-mail and the time you wish
you could retrieve it!
--=-=-=--=-=-=-=-=-
WANNA TALK? Stuck in a strange city by bad weather, the drinker was bored.
He sat in the bar and looking to strike up a conversation, turned to bartender
and said, "Hey, about those Democrats in the Congress..."
"Stop -- I *don't* permit talk about politics in my bar!" interrupted the bartender.
A few minutes later the gent tried again, "People say about the Pope..."
"No religion talk, either." the bartender cut in.
"Look, how about sex. Can I talk sex?"
"Sure."
"Then fuck you."
-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=
So there was this fella who had been on a horrible run of bad luck. He had lost his job, his wife, his savings, totaled his new car, and contracted warts all over his body.
Exasperated, he looked to the heavens, and shaking his fist at the sky questioned bitterly, 'Why me, God, why me?'
A deep voice (which sounded alot like Lee Marvin) boomed
down from above, 'I'm not quite sure what it is, but there's something
about you that just pisses me off.'
-=-=-=-=-=-=
A lawyer got married to a woman who had previously been married 12 times. On their wedding night, they settled into the bridal suite at their hotel and the bride said to her new groom, "Please, promise to be gentle. I am still a virgin."
This puzzled the groom, since after 12 marriages, he thought that at least one of her husbands would have been able to perform. He asked his new bride to explain the phenomenon.
She responded: "My first husband was a Sales Representative who spent the entire marriage telling me, in grandiose terms, how great it was going to be.
"My second husband was from Software Services; he was never quite sure how it was supposed to function, but he promised he would send me documentation.
"My third husband was from Field Services and repeatedly said that everything was diagnostically OK, but couldn't get the system up.
"My fourth husband was from Educational Services, and you know the old saying - 'Those who CAN, DO; those who can't, teach."
"My fifth husband was from the Telemarketing Department. He knew he had the order, but he wasn't quite sure when he was going to be able to deliver.
"My sixth husband was an Engineer. He told me that he understood the basic process but needed three years to research, implement, and design a new state-of-the-art method.
"My seventh husband was from Finance and Administration. He knew how, but he just wasn't sure whether it was his job or not.
"My eighth husband was from Standards and Regulations, and he told me that he met the minimum standards but regulations weren't clear on how to do it.
"My ninth husband was a Marketing Manager. Even though he had the product. he just wasn't sure how to position it.
"My tenth husband was a psychiatrist. All he ever wanted to do was talk about it.
"My eleventh husband was a gynecologist, and all he ever wanted to do was look at it.
"My twelfth husband was a stamp collector, and all he ever wanted to do was . . .- God I miss him!
So now I've married you, and I'm really excited."
"Why is that," asked the lawyer.
"Well, it should be obvious! You're a lawyer!! I just know I'm going to get screwed this time!
Subject: A little bit of everything, and more. Date: Sat, 19 Jun 1999 12:02:56 -0700 From: Magic Mike B <mmb Organization: Magic Jokes, Photos, Art, & Recipes http://funandmagic.com/ To: you
Life is the greatest adventure you'll ever go on. Make sure you don't forget to enjoy the ride. Unknown
Hi, I had a link up for a few days that was unlinked.
Stop by again to see the start of some black and whites from Grand Canyon
for your desktop. http://funandmagic.com/photolinks1.htm . For those of you
interested, I am now offering calls to Romania for 37 cents a minute. It
also has the cheap foreign rates. If you have a web site or you don't,
make some money from your internet time by being an agent. You make a nice
commission on these low rates. http://funandmagic.com/mmmoney.htm . While you
are there, get some cheap, clean water. And make some money doing it. You
will love the shower head filter! Today's letter is PACKED. Proctor, pics,
and puns. have phun.
Have a magic day and pass it on.
Magic Mike
parlor.htm
XIV The Awakened One
v179 He or she who has finally conquered, whose view is boundless, by what path can they be led astray?
v180 He or she whose view is boundless, and who is free from all craving, the Trackless Ones, by what path can they be led astray?
v181 Even the gods envy they who are enlightened and are given to meditation, who are free from craving.
v182 It is hard to be born as a human being, and hard to live the life of one. It is even harder to hear of the path; and harder still to awake, to rise and to follow.
v183 Yet the teaching of the Buddha is simple: "Cease to do evil, learn to do good. And purify your mind."
v184 Patience is the best training and freedom is at the end of the path. Patience and long-suffering means that the follower will do no harm to another.
v185 "Hurt none by word or deed. Be moderate in your eating. Live in inner solitude. And seek the deepest consciousness." This is the teaching of the Buddha.
v186 Even a shower of gold would not satisfy the craving of lust. He or she is wise who knows that sensual pleasures are short and leave lasting dissatisfaction.
v187 Even heavenly pleasures are not lasting. The follower of the Buddha delights only in awakening.
v188 Driven by fear, a person may hide in one refuge after another. He or she may look for shelter on mountains on in forests, among sacred places or in shrines.
v189 But these are not safe refuges, for a person is not delivered from suffering in them.
v190 The one who takes refuge in the Way and journeys with those who follow it, clearly sees the four great truths.
v191 (There is) suffering, the cause of suffering, the ceasing of suffering and the eightfold path that leads to the end of suffering.
v192 Then at last you find safety. You are delivered from suffering and are free.
v193 The awakened are few and not easy to find. Happy is the family into which such a wise one is born.
v194 Happy is the birth of the awakened one, happy his or her teaching of the path and happy are those who accompany him or her along the way.
v195 Whoever revers the one who is awake and those who follow him or her, that one will be free from craving and free from fear and will have crossed the river of sorrow.
v196 Whoever reveres the awakened one and the noble path, will live in measureless serenity and peace.
(Thus ends the chapter, The Awakened One)
---------
Look out for an e-mail message containing the following text:
I received your email and I shall send you a reply ASAP. Till then, take a look at the attached zipped docs. and which contains an attached file named: zipped_files.exe If you receive such a message, delete it immediately. DO NOT EXECUTE THE ATTACHED FILE!
Update your NAV Virus Definitions with a special definitions
file named SARCI32.EXE. ---=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=
Beelzebub, another name for the devil, is Hebrew for Lord of the Flies,
and this is where the book's title comes from.
It is believed that Shakespeare was 46 around the time that the King James Version of the Bible was written. In Psalms 46, the 46th word from the first word is shake and the 46th word from the last word is spear.
The ship, the Queen Elizabeth 2, should always be written as QE2. QEII is the actual queen.
There were no squirrels on Nantucket Island, Massachusetts until 1989.
The correct response to the Irish greeting,"Top of the morning to you," is "and the rest of the day to yourself."
The Les Nessman character on the TV series WKRP in Cincinnati wore a band-aid in every episode. Either on himself, his glasses, or his clothing.
Columbia University is the second largest landowner in New York City, after the Catholic Church.
A pregnant goldfish is called a twit.
When the University of Nebraska Cornhuskers play football at home to a sellout crowd, the stadium becomes the state's third largest city.
John Larroquette of "NightCourt" and "The John Larroquette Show" was the narrator of "The Texas Chainsaw Massacre."
Former US Senator Barry Goldwater attended the opening night ceremonies and festivities at Bugsy Siegel's famous Las Vegas Casino. They left him out of the movie Bugsy. He is pissed. -=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=Ode to an Oosik
Strange things have been done in the midnight sun and the story books are full. But the strangest tale concerns the male Magnificent walrus bull!
I know it's rude, quite common and crude, perhaps it is grossly unkind but with first glance at least, this bewiskered beast is as ugly in front as behind.
Look once again, take a second look - then you'll see he's not ugly or vile there's a hint of a grin, in that blubbery chin and the eyes have a small secret smile.
How can this be, this clandestine glee that exudes from the walrus like music He knows, there inside, beneath blubber and hide lies a splendid contrivance - the oosik.
Oosik you say, and quite well you may, I'll explain if you keep it between us in the simple truth, though rather uncouth Oosik is in fact his penis.
Now the size alone of this walrus bone would indeed arouse envious thinking it is also a fact, documented and backed there is never a softening or shrinking.
This then is why, the smile is so sly the walrus is rightfully proud though the climate is frigid, the walrus is rigid pray, why, is not man so endowed.
Added to this a smile you might miss though the bull is entitled to bow the one to out smile our bull by a mile is the satisfied walrus cow!--=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=
There was a man named MacAmeter Who had an instrument of prodigious diameter But it wasn't the size that made the girls sigh, It was his rhythm- iambic pentameter.
-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=
A large two engine train is going across America when one of the engines
died. No problem thought the engineer, I still have the other engine we
will just be going at a slower speed. After a while the second engine stopped
so the engineer decided, that he better inform the passengers as to what
is going on. He gets on the PA :: Ladys and Gentleman I have good news
and bad news the bad news is that both engines are out and we will be stuck
here for a while, the good news is that you choose to ride the train and
not a plane
-=-
-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=
-=-=-==
Subject: PP 99 - 13 Date: Fri, 18 Jun 1999 16:01:28 -0400 From: Phil Proctor
<PProctor@compuserve.com To: AAA <pproctor@compuserve.com
(((((((((((((((((((((( PLANET PROCTOR 99 - 13
"Carol, I can't work in a sewer. I come from California." -- Orson Welles to "Third Man" director, Carol Reed
BEWAER!!! A new computer virus is spreading throughout the Internet! Named "Strunkenwhite" after the authors of a classic guide to good writing, it returns e-mail messages that have grammatical or spelling errors. The virus is causing something akin to panic throughout corporate America, which has become used to the typos, misspellings, missing words and mangled syntax so acceptable in cyberspace. A top executive at a telecommunications and long-distance company, 10-10-10-10-10-10-123, said: "This morning, the same damned e-mail kept coming back to me with a pesky notation claiming I needed to use a pronoun's possessive case before a gerund. With the number of e-mails I crank out each day, who has time for proper grammar? Whoever created this virus should have their programming fingers broken." A broker at Begg, Barow and Steel said he couldn't return to the "bad, old" days when he had to send paper memos in proper English. "When you're buying and selling on margin, I don't think it's anybody's business if I write that 'i meetinged through the morning, then cinched the deal on the cel phone while barreling down the xway.'" If Strunkenwhite makes e-mailing impossible, it could mean the end to a communication revolution once hailed as a significan't timesaver.
"There are more collect calls on this day than any other day of the year. " (Father's Day!) - from "Phil's Phunny Facts".
READIN' 'N 'RITIN' 'N THE 'RYTHM METHOD Test answers from Hell..."The Earth makes one resolution every 24 hours. Charles Darwin was a naturalist who wrote the organ of the species. The theory of evolution was greatly objected to because it made man think. Benjamin Franklin produced electricity by rubbing cats backwards. A magnet is something you find crawling all over a dead cat. To remove air from a flask, fill it with water, tip the water out, and put the cork in quick before the air can get back in. To collect fumes of sulfur, hold a deacon over a flame in a test tube. The process of turning steam back into water again is called conversation Three kinds of blood vessels are arteries, vanes and caterpillars. The dodo is a bird that is almost decent by now. The cuckoo bird does not lay his own eggs. Parallel lines never meet, unless you bend one or both of them. Algebraical symbols are used when you do not know what you are talking about. Geometry teaches us to bisex angles. A circle is a line which meets its other end without ending."
"If I had two faces, would I use this one?" -- Abraham Lincoln responding to a debater's taunt that he was "two-faced".
KOKO JOKES These hand-signed interspecies exchanges are by Barbara Hiller from "The Journal of the Gorilla Foundation". K: Me clown. B: You are a funny clown. K: Clown nose you. B: You're a clown nose. K: Koko good. B: I'm teasing you. You're very pretty. K: Koko gorilla good. B: Now, Koko, what do people put on their hands when its cold? K: Stethoscope. B: Koko, that's weird. K: Think funny. Contributions to "Save the Gorillas" can be sent to Box 620530, Woodside, CA 94062-0530 -- and go see "Tarzan" on Father's Day.
The California Lottery Commision, who recently doled out $80 million to a soccer-playing, deer, elk and dove-hunting 40-year-old machine shop supervisor nicknamed "Chava", offers a booklet on how to cope with sudden wealth. It's called "Screw You, I'm Rich." - Scrooge McProctor
GOT A LIGHT?! * How many Charismatics does it take to change a light bulb? "One to change the bulb and nine to pray against the spirit of darkness." * How many Calvinists does it take to change a light bulb? "None. God has predestined when the light will be on. We simply pray the light bulb will be one that has been chosen to be changed." *How many Baptists does it take to change a light bulb? "Change???" * How many neo-orthodox does it take to change a light bulb? "No one knows. We can't tell the difference between light and darkness." * How many TV evangelists does it take to change a light bulb? "One. But for the message of light to continue, send in your donation today." * How many liberals does it take to change a light bulb? "At least ten, as we need to hold a debate on whether or not the light bulb exists; and if we agree upon that, we still might not change it to keep from alienating those who might use other forms of light." * How many Catholics does it take to change a light bulb? "None. We use candles." * How many United Methodists does it take to change a light bulb? "We choose not to make a statement either in favor of or against the need for a light bulb. However, if in your own journey, you have found that a light bulb works for you, that is fine. You are invited to write a poem or compose a modern dance about your personal relationship with your light bulb (or light source, or non-dark resource), and present it next month at our annual light bulb Sunday service, in which we will explore a number of light bulb traditions, including incandescent, fluorescent, three-way, long-life, and tinted -- all of which are equally valid paths to luminescence." * How many Amish does it take to change a lightbulb? "Was ist das?"
North Platte, Nebraska mayor Jim Whitaker promised he would "walk naked through the streets" if citizens raised $5,000 for an animal humane society. When they did, he adopted a dog, named it "Naked", and took it for a walk.
A JAR JAR-ING REVELATION "Jar Jar is definitely gay!" proclaimed the Village Voice displaying a limp-wristed Jar Jar carrying a handbag on the front page and leading journalist Bill Hoffman to investigate the charge in a NY Post article. "Jar Jar is definitely not gay," the Bronx-born voice of J-J, Ahmed Best told Hoffman. "He's not homo anything. But if people feel pride in thinking that he is the first gay character in 'Star Wars,' then that's fine." And Dan Wilson, of the Lesbian and Gay Community Services Center in the West Village, adds "We'll just have to wait until Episode 2 comes out. Maybe Jar Jar will get together with C-3PO." Director George Lucas asserts that 'Star Wars' is a fantasy movie set in a galaxy far, far away ... To dissect [it] as if it has a direct reference to the world that we know today is absurd." Falwell! Where are you when we need you?
"If you're born again, do you have two bellybuttons?" - Anonymous Bosch
VERY SPECIAL SKILLS Excerpted from resumes handed out in a recent Showcase at the Zephyr Theatre in Hollywood, thanks to our funny pals, Greg Benson and David Hussey: "Typing, driver's license, good with kids and singing off key, bilingual, Ritual mask work, historical dance stylings, pratfalls, Military Rifle Twirling, Bullwhip Cracking. 100 m Joggling World Champion..." I can just see the casting call: "Independent film-maker, Crane Derrick, is looking for a licensed mask-wearing, rifle-twirling, bullwhip-cracking juggling jogger willing to do pratfalls. Must be good with kids, able to type while dancing historically, and sing off key." Don't call us.
"I'd wear a pickle suit and carry a billboard to get my music noticed."
- Randy Newman
L.A.Z.Y. DAZE OF SUMMER From Steve Harvey's "Only in L.A." (in the Times of the same name), comes this funny but somehow accurate list of mangled local city names: Canoga Pork, West Ills, Manhattan Ditch, Monsterey Park, Isuzu -- and my personal favorite, Stupid City! I, of course, live in Heavenly Bills.
"There's something about me that makes a lot of people want to throw up." - Pat Boone
SUTCH A LOSS Screaming Lord Sutch, 58, the leader of Britain's most durable political fringe group, the "Official Monster Raving Loony" party, was found dead Wednesday at his London home, an apparent suicide, the BBC reported. Before he went into fringe politics, Sutch heaed a rock band called "The Savages", in which stars such as Noel Redding from the Jimi Hendrix Experience, Keith Moon of The Who, and guitar legend Jeff Beck, played early in their careers. Sutch, who stood unsuccessfully for Parliament more than 40 times from the 60s on, campaigned in the '97 general election under the slogan ``Vote for Insanity, You Know It Makes Sense," with a platform that included "heated lavatory seats for pensioners" and "extending the Chunnel to Guernsey and Switzerland" to grant Britains "tax-haven status". Sutch once said he had originally established his party for people who didn't want to vote, so he could declare himself the winner "if more people stayed home than went to the polls" and once bet five pounds ($8) that he would become prime minister, at odds of 15 million to one. A spokesman for present Prime Minister Tony Blair said: ``Screaming Lord Sutch will be much missed. For many years he made a unique contribution to British politics.'' A spokespider for Surrealist Party leader, George Papoon said, "I lost an arm and a leg betting he'd win!"
"Big guy, big shotgun! Big guy, big shotgun!" -- a survivor of the recent Las Vegas supermarket massacre. (AP)
+++++++++++(6/18/99)++++++++++ * FIRESIGN SITE: www.firesigntheatre.com * FIRESIGN PRODUCT: www.lodestone-media.com * FUNNY TIMES: www.funnytimes.com
PLANET PROCTOR (C) 1999 by Phil Proctor
-=-=-=-==-=-=-=
I just got back photos of the Firesign after their Seattle tour and I treasure
the ones of me with them. I will scan some and post them soon. -Magic Mike
Subject: Spiral Galaxy, More on FREE calling Date: Thu, 10 Jun 1999 11:38:00 -0700 From: Magic Mike B <mmb Organization: Magic Jokes, Photos, Art, & Recipes http://funandmagic.com/ To: you
Hi, See NGC 4414 shows many classic spiral galaxy features, including thick dust lanes, a central region rich in old red stars, and winding spiral arms glowing with young blue stars. http://funandmagic.com/photolinks1.htm . Hey that free phone works great. 6 more days!!!!. You MUST have another phone, or have someone make the call for you on their computer. What it does is this: you enter your home number, then the number(s) you wish to call. The computer rings YOUR other phone, then their phone and connects you together on your phone line. You can conference FOUR people if you wish, unlimited free calling. Sign up here http://ld.net/?phon4less as a business opportunity. Then, sign up under yourself for cheap service. Some don't have to change your carrier. Then go HERE, http://www.phonecube.com/test/ sign up, BUT DON'T ENTER YOUR CREDIT CARD. Enter your name, but use the credit account 1111 1111 1111 1111 with 10/99 exp. date. Let me know how you like it. Have a magic day and pass it on, Magic Mike parlor.htm XIII The World
v167 Do not live thoughtlessly, in distraction and with deluded aims, outside the universal Law.
v168 Rouse yourself and follow the enlightened way through the world with energy and joy.
v169 Follow the path of enlightenment with happiness through this world and beyond.
v170 See the world as a bubble, a mirage. Be non-attached and death cannot touch you.
v171 Look at this glittering world, it is like a royal carriage. The foolish are taken up by it, but the wise do not cling to it.
v172 The moon comes out from behind the clouds and brightens up the world. So too the person who overcomes ignorance shines forth.
v173 Like the moon coming out from behind the clouds, the one who sees his or her past mistakes and turns to good deeds, shines forth.
XIII The World
v174 The world is dark and only a few can see; only a few soar upwards like birds escaping from the fowler's net.
v175 Swans rise and fly through the air. How magical they are! So do the resolute conquer the armies of delusion and rise above the world.
v176 If you scorn the universal Law and scoff at the life to come, there is no end to your foolish mischief.
v177 The miser can never enter heaven and the fool scorns generosity. But the wise person finds joy in giving and enters heaven in this world.
v178 But better than all the happiness on earth or in heaven, greater than dominion over all the worlds, is the joy of the first step on the Noble Path.
(Thus ends the chapter, The World)
-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=
Bert took his Saint Bernard to the vet. "Doctor," he said sadly,
"I'm afraid I'm going to have to ask you to cut off my dog's tail."
The vet stepped back, "Bert, why should I do such a terrible thing?"
"Because my mother-in-law's arriving tomorrow, and I don't want anything to make her think she's welcome."
~~~ * FIREFIGHTERS FIND THEM HOT AND LEAVE EM WET
* Sex on television can't hurt you unless you fall off.
* Happiness is seeing your mother-in-law's face on the back of a milk carton.
~~~ Q: Why do black widow spiders kill their males after mating? A: To stop the snoring before it starts.
REALLY IMPORTANT QUESTIONS
1. Do cemetery workers prefer the graveyard shift?
2. Do Lipton employees take coffee breaks?
3. How do a fool and his money GET together?
4. How do you know when it's time to tune your bagpipes?
5. How is it that a building burns up as it burns down?
6. If the pen is mightier than the sword, and a picture is worth a
thousand words, how dangerous is a fax?
7. If the police arrest a mime, do they tell him he has the right to
remain silent?
8. If you throw a cat out the car window, does it become kitty litter?
9. What hair color do they put on the driver's licenses of bald men?
10. What was the best thing before sliced bread?
11. Why do banks charge you a "non-sufficient funds" fee on money they
already know you don't have?
12. Why do they put Braille on the drive-through bank machines?
13. Why do they sterilize the needles for lethal injections?
14. If Barbie is so popular, why do you have to buy her friends?
15. If one synchronized swimmer drowns, do the rest have to drown, too?
16. In a country of free speech, why are there phone bills?
17. How come there aren't B batteries?
18. How do "Do not walk on the grass" signs get there?
19. How do I set my laser printer on stun?
20. How is it possible to have a civil war?
21. If all the world is a stage, where is the audience sitting?
22. If love is blind, why is lingerie so popular?
23. If the #2 pencil is so popular, why is it still only #2?
24. If you ate pasta and antipasto, would you still be hungry?
25. Why is the alphabet in that order? Is it because of that song?
26. If I melt dry ice, can I take a bath without getting wet?
27. Crime doesn't pay...does that mean that my job is a crime?
28. Did Noah keep his bees in archives?
29. How can there be self-help "groups"?
30. How do they get the deer to cross at that yellow road sign?
31. How do you know honesty is the best policy until you have tried some
33. How does a Thermos know if the drink should be hot or cold?
34. How does the guy who drives the snowplow get to work in the mornings?
35. If a word in the dictionary is misspelled, how would we know?
36. If Superman is so smart, then why does he wear his underpants on the
outside of his trousers?
37. If you're in a vehicle going the speed of light, what happens when you
turn on the headlights?
38. What happens to an 18-hour bra after 18 hours?
39. Why didn't Noah swat those two mosquitoes?
40. Why do tourists go to the tops of tall buildings and then put money
into telescopes so they can see things on the ground close-up?
41. Why do we kill people for killing people to show that killing people
is wrong?
42. Why is it that bullets ricochet off of Superman's chest, but he ducks
when the gun is thrown at him?
43. Why is it that night falls but day breaks?
44. What if the Hokey Pokey IS what it's all about?
45. When your pet bird sees you reading the newspaper,
does he wonder why you're just sitting there, staring at carpeting.
--=-=-=-=-=-=-=-
Think You're Smart?
(1) There's one sport in which neither the spectators nor the participants know the score or the leader until the contestants do. What is it?
(2) What famous North American landmark is constantly moving backward?
(3) Of all vegetables, only two can live to produce on their own for several growing seasons. All other vegetables must be replanted every year. What are the only two perennial vegetables?
(4) At noon and midnight the hour and minute hands are exactly coincident with each other. How many other times between noon and midnight do the hour and minute hands cross?
(5) What is the only sport in which the ball is always in the possession of the team on defense, and the offensive team can score without touching the ball?
(6) What fruit has its seeds on the outside?
(7) In many liquor stores, you can buy pear brandy, with a real pear inside the bottle. The pear is whole and ripe, and the bottle is genuine; it hasn't been cut in any way. How did the pear get inside the bottle?
(8) Only three words in standard English begin with the letters "dw". They are all common. Name two of them.
(9) There are fourteen punctuation marks in English grammar. Can you name half of them?
(10) Where are the lakes that are referred to in the "Los Angeles Lakers"?
(11) There are seven ways a baseball player can legally reach first base without getting a hit. Taking a base on balls - a walk - is one way. Name the other six.
(12) It's the only vegetable or fruit that is never sold frozen, canned, processed, cooked, or in any other form but fresh. What is it?
(13) How is it possible for a pitcher to make four or more strikeouts in one inning?
(14) Name six or more things that you can wear on your feet, that begin with the letter "s". ??????????????????????????????????????????????
ANSWERS:
(1) Boxing.
(2) Niagara Falls. The rim is worn down about 2 and a half feet each year because of the millions of gallons of water that rush over it every minute.
(3) Asparagus and rhubarb.
(4) Ten times (not eleven, as most people seem to think).
(5) Baseball.
(6) Strawberry.
(7) The pear grew inside the bottle. The bottles are placed over pear buds when they are small, and are wired in place on the tree. The bottle is left in place for the whole growing season. When the pears are ripe, they are snipped off at the stems.
(8) Dwarf, dwell, and dwindle.
(9) Period, comma, colon, semicolon, dash, hyphen, apostrophe, question mark, exclamation point, quotation marks, brackets, parenthesis, braces, and ellipses.
(10) In Minnesota. The team was originally known as the Minneapolis Lakers, and kept the name when they moved west.
(11) Batter hit by a pitch; passed ball; catcher interference; catcher drops third strike; fielder's choice; and being designated as a pinch runner.
(12) Lettuce.
(13) If the catcher drops a called third strike, and doesn't throw the batter out at first base, the runner is safe.
(14) Shoes, socks, sandals, sneakers, slippers, skis, snowshoes, stockings, and so on.
A dinner speaker was in such a hurry to get to his engagement that when he arrived and sat down at the head table, he sud- denly realized that he had forgotten his false teeth.
Turning to the man next to him he said, "I forgot my teeth." The man said, "No problem." And reached into his pocket and pulled out a pair of false teeth. "Try these," he said.
The speaker tried them. "Too loose," he said. The man then said, "I have another pair- try these." The speaker tried them and responded, "Too tight."
The man was not taken back at all. He then said, "I have one more pair of false teeth- try them." The speaker said, "They fit perfectly." With that he ate his meal and gave his speech.
After the dinner meeting was over, the speaker went over to thank the man who had helped him. "I want to thank you for coming to my aid. Where is your office? I've been looking for a good dentist."
The man replied, "I'm not a dentist. I'm the local
undertaker."
Subject: Free calls still, Planets Born Date: Sat, 12 Jun 1999 09:47:06 -0700 From: Magic Mike B <mmb Organization: Magic Jokes, Photos, Art, & Recipes http://funandmagic.com/ To: you
Hi, Some nice space pics for your desktop wallpaper today are at http://funandmagic.com/photolinks1.htm .See how planets are made! I hope you are having fun with the free phone calls!! Because I don't have two phones, I am using my cell phone for the call. You can ALSO conference 3 other people with you. My friend from China, who is visiting is talking to her 2 sisters and brother as I type this, THREE free calls to China for the 10 cents a minute of my cell phone, instead of $1.10 a minute! Three $40 calls for $4!!!!!. If I had another line it would even be FREE!!! Just a few days left on this. USE IT!!!!!!!!!!! If you don't have two phones, have a friend on internet do it for you, and call you and your friends!!! Oh, so what about this Chinese friend?? Well, I met a really nice friend on ICQ. She messaged me one night I left random chat on. We had so much fun we talked until 5am. Then we began to talk every day on Netmeeting using mics and video chat cameras. We spent every day together for 4 or 5 hours since February 17th. After over three months online together, four days ago she arrived here from China and we are having a lot of fun together. Have a magic day and pass it on! Magic Mike parlor.htm here's a riddle for youse 3 men went to a motel. The man behind the desk said the room is $30, so each man put up $10 and went to the room. A little while later the man behind the desk realized the room was only $25, so he sent the bellhop back to the 3 guys' room with $5. On the way to the room the bellhop couldn't figure out how to split the $5 between the 3 men, so he just gave each one of them $1 and he kept the other $2.
This meant that the 3 men paid $9 each for the room for a total of $27. Add the $2 that the bellhop kept = $29.
Where's the Other dollar?????
haha
-=-=-=-=-=--=
An old man had a doctor's appointment and as he was a little of the deaf
side, his wife had to accompany him to make sure she knew what was going
on and also to explain to her husband in case he didn't hear the doctor.
"OK," said the doctor, "I will need a urine sample, a stool sample, and a sperm sample."
The old man didn't hear the doctor so he turned to his wife and yelled, "What does he want?"
The old lady yelled back to her husband, "He wants you to leave your underpants here."
-=-=-=-=-=-=-
Then there's the time a lady was picking through the frozen turkeys at the grocery store, but couldn't find one big enough for her family.
She asked a stock boy, "Do these turkeys get any bigger?"
The stock boy replied, "No ma'am, they're dead."
-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=
Hello, and welcome to the mental health hot line. If you are obsessive-compulsive,
press 1 repeatedly.
If you are codependent, please ask someone to press 2 for you.
If you have multiple personalities, press 3, 4, 5 and 6.
If you are paranoid, we know who you are and what you want. Stay on the line so we can trace your call. If you are delusional, press 7 and your call will be transferred to the mother ship.
If you are schizophrenic, listen carefully and a small voice will tell you which number to press.
If you are a manic-depressive, it doesn't matter which number you press no one will answer.
If you are dyslexic, press 9696969696969.
If you have a nervous disorder, please fidget with the hash key until a representative comes on the line.
If you have amnesia press 8 and state your name, address, phone number, date of birth, social security number and your mother's maiden name.
If you have post-traumatic stress disorder, slowly and carefully press 000.
If you have bipolar disorder, please leave a message after the beep or before the beep. Or after the beep. Please wait for the beep.
If you have short-term memory loss, press 9.
If you have short-term memory loss, press 9.
If you have short-term memory loss, press 9.
If you have short-term memory loss, press 9.
the other dollar is lost in multiplication.....you cannot
manipulate the same numbers by addition and subtraction and then try to
manipulate them with multiplication and division..
Subject: Photos, jokes, and UNLIMITED FEE CALLING Date: Wed, 09 Jun 1999 12:22:04 -0700 From: Magic Mike B <mmb Organization: Magic Jokes, Photos, Art, & Recipes http://funandmagic.com/ To: you
Hi, See a close-up of of some of the features of the Trifid Nebula, at http://funandmagic.com/photolinks1.htm . Hey, have I got a deal for you! How about free unlimited long distance this week? Go to my phone page, sign up for the free enrollment in the business opportunity to represent low cost long distance services. THEN, sign up under yourself for cheap long distance and a discount on it. But NOW, all our phone agents have been offered 7 days of free calling on a new trial service!!!! I am recopying the letter that explains it, below. Read up on it, then go to my phone page first to sign up as an agent. http://ld.net/?phon4less .Then go to the link mentioned below and sign up for the new trial. Have a magic day and pass it on! Magic Mike http://ld.net/?phon4less X Self
v157 If a person is dear to him or herself, he or she will guard the self carefully. For at least a part of the night they will keep watch.
v158 Let a wise person first go the right way, then teach others. So he or she will have no cause to grieve.
v159 If a person is controlled, he or she will be able to control others. When he or she comes to know the self, he or she will be able to teach others.
v160 Who else but the self can be master of the self? With self well controlled there is no other master.
v161 The harm he or she does crushes the fool, even as a diamond crushes a precious stone.
v162 Just as a creeper chokes a tree, so a man's harmful deeds will bring him as low as is enemy would wish him to be.
v163 It is easy to lose yourself in mischief. What is helpful and good is often hard to do.
v164 Like the fruit of the bamboo tree which is its destruction, the senseless person who scorns the teachings of the awakened and follows false advice, bears the fruit of his or her own destruction.
v165 By oneself evil is done; by oneself one suffers. By oneself good is done; by oneself one is purified. Purity and impurity belong to oneself. No one can purify another.
v166 Your work is to find out what your work should be and not to neglect it for anther's. Clearly discover your work and attend to it with all your heart.
-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-==
Charles Sykes is the author of DUMBING DOWN OUR KIDS. He volunteered for high school and college graduates a list of things they did not learn in school. In his book, he talks about how the liberal, feel good, politically correct garbage has created a generation of kids with no concept of reality and set them up for failure in the real world.
Rule 1: Life is not fair; get used to it.
Rule 2: The world won't care about your self-esteem. The world will expect you to accomplish something before you feel good about yourself.
Rule 3: You will not make 40 thousand dollar s a year right out of high school.You won't be a vice president with a car phone until you earn both.
Rule 4: If you think your teacher is tough, wait till you get a boss. He doesn't have tenure.
Rule 5: Flipping burgers is not beneath your dignity. Your grandparents had a different word for burger flipping; they called it opportunity.
Rule 6: If you screw up, it's not your parents' fault so don't whine about your mistakes. Learn from them.
Rule 7: Before you were born your parents weren't as boring as they are now. They got that way paying your bills, cleaning your room, and listening to you tell how idealistic you are. So before you save the rain forest from the blood-sucking parasites of your parents' generation, try delousing the closet in your own room.
Rule 8: Your school may have done away with winners and losers but life has not. In some schools they have abolished failing grades, they'll give you as many times as you want to get the right answer. This, of course, bears not the slightest resemblance to anything in real life.
Rule 9: Life is not divided into semesters. You don't get summers off, and very few employers are interested in helping you find yourself. Do that on your own time.
Rule 10: Television is not real life. In real life people actually have to leave the coffee shop and go to jobs.
Rule 11: Be nice to nerds. Chances are you'll end up working for one.
-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=
Subject: Unlimited Long Distance Calling - FREE Date: 9 Jun 1999 01:46:44 -0000 To: mmb Attention: Sales & Marketing Magic Mike Berger
I hope my subject line caught your attention. As most of you know, the LEC tariff structure in the USA makes any form of truly non-metered long distance phone service an impossibility, in spite of the occasional "unlimited flat rate" scam you might see. For the next few days, as network capacity allows, we have been offered unlimited free long distance phone service for the use of our agents; and you may start using it immediately. I cannot guarantee the service or the network capacity. If all 30,000 Cognigen agents each try to make 4 way conference calls using the system at the same time - there may be some problems.
People - Technology Workshop is a class act. The best way to sell a service is to offer a free sample, and they are doing it for us in style...
The following message is from Technology Workshop, the company which provides us with the HT-NET Fax service.
Some of you are already enjoying the benefits of HT-NET Fax Service -- the world's leading Web-based fax service brought to you by Technology Workshop.
Now there is a new and exciting technology that we are getting ready to make available. The new service is based on leading edge computer telephony and harnesses the power of the Internet, providing both new functionality and cost savings.
PhoneCube service is an unparalleled Internet-based solution for scheduling and initiating phone calls and conferences via the Web with a click of a mouse. PhoneCube services are based on computer telephony, and rely on standard pre-existing phone lines, yet result in superior sound quality. No special hardware, proprietary software or plug-ins are required for these services.
Phone calls can be generated through selecting a person's name in an online address book, or through entering a person's number directly into the Web browser. You can also dynamically add and disconnect conference participants in the same conference session.
This service eliminates many of the high costs associated with traditional operator-assisted or reservation-based conferencing. The originator of the phone call can control the call with Mute, Hold, Disconnect and real-time status options. Calls can be set up and managed from any location at any time, with the ability to link as many as 4 participants in one phone call.
Technology Workshop is currently at the final stage of testing this exciting new service. We have decided to offer you this opportunity to sample what PhoneCube can do for you and at the same time provide final testing load to the system.
The best thing about this offer -- IT IS FREE. For the next 7 days you can use PhoneCube service to test its features and full functionality at absolutely no cost. Nothing. Zero. Nada. As much as you want. No per minute charges, no international long distance charges, and no sign up fees.
All we ask is that you diligently report any problems you encounter and feel free to send us suggestions on additional features and enhancement.
Please e-mail problems to phonecube_bugs@twsp.com and suggestions to phonecube@twsp.com. And feel free to use it as much as you want.
Follow the URL to http://www.phonecube.com/test/ and read instructions on how to sign up for FREE trial testing.
We are currently on schedule to make PhoneCube available for commercial use in the next few weeks. You will receive a follow up message when this service becomes available.
Looking forward to reading your reports and suggestions, -Technology Workshop
Regards, Kevin
http://ld.net/?phon4less
Subject: A Star is Born, Planet Proctor, Old Age Date: Mon, 07 Jun 1999 19:40:39 -0700 From: Magic Mike B <mmb Organization: Magic Jokes, Photos, Art, & Recipes http://funandmagic.com/ To: you
Hi, Stop in at the Photolinks page, http://funandmagic.com/photolinks1.htm , to see "A Star Is Born." No, it's in Triphid Nebula, not Hollywood, or Hollyweird, as my Phunny Phriend Phil like to call it. Phil's Planet Proctor orbits the lower quadrant of today's email. It was enjoyable to see "The Little Buddha" again. It is running on Bravo cable. Many of the scenes were filmed here in Seattle. My little friend Sonom Wangdu was living in the Tibetan Monastery here in Seattle, during the filming at the Monastery, before he was recognized as a fiction follow fact reborn Tibetan Lama, Dezhung Tulku, a teacher I had known for seven years. http://funandmagic.com/Tharlam.htm . Gotta run. Look for a surprise announcement in the mail, later this week. Have a magic day, and pass it the heck along. Magic Mike parlor.htm -=-=-=-=-=-=-= XI Old Age
v146 The world is ablaze! Yet people laugh. They are clouded deep in darkness. Why do they not seek the light?
v147 Look at your body -- frail and sickly, racked with pains -- how can it last?
v148 Your body wastes away, is full of disease and feebleness, and then it dies. Death is the end of life.
v149 Behold these bleaching bones, scattered like empty husks in the autumn.
v150 This body is a framework of bones, with flesh and blood as the plaster. It is the home of pride and hypocrisy, old age and death.
Just as the brilliant carriages of kings wear out, so does the body as the plaster. It is the home of pride and hypocrisy, old age and death.
v152 The person who has learned little grows old like an ox; his or her flesh increases but not their knowledge.
v153 (Spoken by the Buddha when he became enlightened) "Through countless weary lives I have sought the builder of this house and could not find him.
v154 "Now I have found you, O Builder, and never again shall you build this house. The rafters are snapped, the ridgepole is shattered. My mind has reached the end of craving and is free."
v155 Old herons die by a lake where there is no fish. Those who have frittered away their life and have earned nothing, perish in the same way.
v156 As sad as a worn-out bow, they sigh for all the life they have squandered.
(Thus ends the chapter, Old Age)
-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-
Seymour was a good and pious man, and when he passed away, the Lord himself greeted him at the pearly gates of heaven. "Hungry, Seymour?" the Lord asked. "I could eat," said Seymour. The Lord opened a can of tuna, and they shared it. While eating this humble meal, Seymour looked down into Hell and noticed the inhabitants devouring enormous steaks, pheasant, pastries and vodka.
The next day, the Lord again asked Seymour if he were hungry, and Seymour again said, "I could eat."
Once again, a can of tuna was opened and shared, while down below Seymour noticed a feast of caviar, champagne, lamb, truffles, brandy, and chocolates.
The following day, mealtime arrived and another can of tuna was opened.
Meekly, Seymour said, "Lord, I am very happy to be in heaven as a reward for the good life I lived. But, this is heaven, and all I get to eat is tuna. But in the Other Place, they eat like Kings. I just don't understand."
"To be honest, Seymour," the Lord said, "for
just two people, does it pay to cook? ~~~ Subject: PP 99 - 12
Date: Mon, 7 Jun 1999 21:14:04 -0400
From: Phil Proctor <PProctor@compuserve.com
To: AAA <pproctor@compuserve.com
(((((((((((((((((((((((( PLANET PROCTOR 99 - 12 http://www.planetproctor.com
It took Ogden Nash to play Knock-Knock in French: "Frappe, frappe. Qui va la? Alencon. Alencon qui? Alencon-fants de la patrie."
COME! SEE! NOW! To our friends in the L.A. area (and you know who you are, we hope) everyone waits til the last minute to catch your friends' work, and then something happens AND YOU MISS IT! Don't! You'll miss a rare chance to see our directing work here in town, of which we're very proud. Here's the dope:
RUNNING WITH ROBIN Tulis' McCall's wonderful one-woman play "Running With Scissors", which I directed, starts a 6-week run on June 8th every Tuesday and Wednesday only at 8pm at the Court Theatre, 722 N. La Cienega, 1 1/2 blocks north of Melrose. Tickets are $20 by calling 310 41-TULIS or at TipsMcC@Yahoo.com but Tulis offers Planet Proctor readers 20% off the ticket price June 8-9, 15-16. For more info check out http://www.breakdownservices.com/invite/iwindex.htm Valet parking is available at Le Petit Bistro (open til 11PM) 631 N. La Cienega 310-289-9797; or Cienega @ 744 N. La Cienega, 310-358-8585 or at Manhattan Wonton, 8475 Melrose Place, 323-655-6030. Tell me you're coming, and I'll show up for a get-together after the show! Also, come see "Robin, Polished by Love", a one act by Marivaux co-directed by me and Melinda and performed by the Antaeus Company at this weekend's NoHo Arts Festival in a charming tented stage on Weddington above Magnolia west of Lankershim on Saturday, June 12 @ 12:30 and Sunday, June 13 @ 5:00. ***It's free!***
MORE DIRECTING "1. Water will run surface to the bottom for the several direction, therefore chemical does not stay in the bottom, it not stay the bottom either come to there in the bottom. 2. Bubbly makes to the several direction, and quantity of water is not necessary, therefore it saves time to compare of ordinary water capacity to cut down of about 40% off. 3. The gum rabber filter was specially made to can be attach to any water value to ready to use." (Product unknown: "Printed in Japan.")
"The California stretch" is a phrase coined by a Frenchman to describe the position one must assume when holding a drink inside and a cigarette outside a bar in order to conform to our present laws regarding drinking and smoking. -- from me, and published in "Only in L.A."
PEACE IN OUR TIME? The person with the most influence over Slobodan Milosevic is his dreamy and complicated wife, Mirjana Markovic .. Born in the woods in July 1942, the offspring of two Partisan fighters who were famous and later infamous in their own right, Ms. Markovic's earliest memories are of being hidden in a storage cabinet used for firewood, unable to utter a word, while anti-Communist Chetniks, fierce Serbian nationalists, searched for the daughter of the famous Partisan fighter. Like her husband, Ms. Markovic largely shuns the public eye. But she has written extensively, including a bizarre and closely watched diary published throughout the 1990's in a Belgrade weekly, Duga. She says that the moon is a planet and that it protects her, so she wears a moonstone. She spends hours combing her hair -- which she wears as she did in high school, with bangs -- and resents anyone interrupting that activity ... She says she cannot live without mirrors, and she works for a month to plan the music for the couple's New Year's Eve celebrations, which she regards as a mystical moment to start anew... Ms. Markovic is besotted by her son, who flunked out of high school and became a race-car driver, famous for the prices of the vehicles he crashed. Marko still lives in Pozarevac, where he is described by locals as behaving like a "little lord," abusing people and running a discotheque called"Madonna." She loves her husband, who is believed never to have been with another woman. After she met him, her biographer writes, she was "no longer afraid of the winter, nor darkness, nor mosquitoes, nor the beginning of the school year, nor a possible C in math." ... "They won't surrender," an anonymous source affirms. "They'll defend themselves. Even in chess, the pawns die before the king and queen." (Excerpts from "The Power Couple" by Steven Erlanger, NY Times)
"If at first you don't succeed, try, try again. Then quit. There's no use being a damn fool about it." -- W. C. Fields
ROLLING, ROLLING, ROLLING! LONDON (AP) -- Stephen Brain was" the big cheese" at the recently revived ancient Western English custom of cheeserolling in which competitors chase an 8-pound double Gloucester cheese down a steep 300-yard course and the first to finish behind the cheesewheel gets to eat it. The 30-year-old Brain, who says that "The trick is to try and stay on your feet," won all three of the men's races which were canceled in 1998 because 27 racers had been injured. But this year, only one contestant was taken away in an ambulance; because, as Richard Jefferies, a member of the organizing committee, explains: "I think the decision to move it to noon stops people having too much to drink before they come." According "The Customs and Ceremonies of Britain," cheeserolling was once just one of many events in a big spring celebration including lost sports such as "grinning for the cake," "jumping in the bag," and "chattering for a bladder of snuff by old women." Olympics Committee, are you listening?
"Even if you're on the right track, you'll get run over if you just sit there." -- Will Rogers
BUT BEING BOILED AT ANY TIME IS SAFER Traditionally British boiled vegetables are healthier even than raw ones, according to Sue Southon, of the Institute of Food Research in Norwich, UK, who found that cooking and even mashing, releases more "carotenoids" -- the antioxidant chemicals that combat tissue damage and narrowing of the arteries. Yum yum!
"Last year, in a nation of over 50 million people, with strict guns laws, there was a total of 30 handgun murders in Great Britain. Thirty. I hate to say it folks, but it's the guns." -- Michael ("Air Pollution Doesn't Kill People; Breathing It Kills People!") Moore
HELLMARK CARDS 1. So your daughter's a hooker, and it spoiled your day. Look at the bright side, she's a really good lay. 2. My tire was thumping, I thought it was flat. When I looked at the tire, I noticed your cat... Sorry 3. You had your bladder removed and you're on the mends.... Here's a bouquet of flowers and a box of Depends. 4. You've announced that you're gay; won't that be a laugh, when they find out you're one of the Joint Chiefs of Staff. 5. Happy Vasectomy! Hope you feel zippy! 'Cause when I had mine, I got real snippy. 6. Heard your wife left you. How upset you must be... But don't fret about it. She moved in with me 7. Your computer is dead, it was once so alive! Don't you regret installing Windows 95? 8. You totaled your car and can't remember why, could it have been that case of Bud Dry?
"If English was good enough for Jesus Christ, then it's good enough for me." -- an Arkansas congressman to the Joint National Committee on Language.
THROUGH THE LOOKING GLASS Here is the copy for an upcoming "Mastercard" TV spot submitted by fellow voice-meister Danny Mann: "A Lockheed F-16 Fighting Falcon -- $25 Million. A Lockheed F-117 Nighthawk Stealth Fighter -- $45 Million. A Boeing B-52 Stratofortress -- $74 Million. A Brand new B-2 Stealth Bomber -- $2.1 Billion. A decent map of downtown Belgrade...priceless. There are some things money can't buy. For everything else, there's MasterCard."
"There's no such thing as an old joke if you've never heard it before." -- Groucho Marx
DON'T BLOW IT! A musician who's spent his whole life trying to break into the big time is feeling very depressed. He's been turned down by every single record company in the country, and no one seems to recognize his unique genius other than his Mom. So he decides to top himself and dreams up an ingenious plan to get back at all the institutions who've rejected him all his life. He goes into a recording studio and tells the engineer to record exactly what he says, then copy it onto 1000 CDs and send them out to all the record execs in the country. He goes into the vocal booth, the red light goes on, and he begins: "This is a message to all you sycophantic, talentless bastards who've ignored me all these years. I dedicated my life to writing beautiful, emotive, soul-touching music, and all you wankers do is bin my tapes and sign pretty-boy bands and the Spice Girls. Well, I've taken all I can of your puerile, shallow industry, and it's YOU who've driven me to it!!! Bye-bye, murderers of Art!!" With that, he pulled out a gun and sprayed his brains all over the studio wall. The sound engineer glances up and says "Okay, that's fine for level. Wanna go for a take?"
"Don't carry a grudge. While you're carrying the grudge, the other guy's out dancing." - Buddy Hackett
VOICES STILLED Actor Ed Gilbert, 67, whose voice was familiar to children everywhere as the character "Baloo" in Disney's "Jungle Book" as well as in features like "The Little Mermaid", stopped talking after a 40-year career on May 8, not far from us in Benedict Canyon, after a brave battle with lung cancer. In addition to his entertainment career, Gilbert was also a celebrated and widely published biologist who discovered, wrote about and illustrated over 100 previously unknown species of insects during years of research trips into the jungles of Central and South America. Donations can be made in his memory to Nature Conservancy, 11340 West Olympic Blvd, Suite 246, LA, CA 90064-1612. Also, a noisy sendoff to James Bladdes, a 97-year-old musician who made gunshots and thunder for silent movies and was famous for the "Gong!" that preceded J. Arthur Rank's productions. During World War II, he created "the greatest noise I ever made" -- a BBC "V for Victory" signal pounded out on an African drum, broadcast 150 times a day to encourage Resistance Fighters. And then we sing a fond farewell to Melvin Howard Torme. who scatted out of life yesterday. I loved his music, and often saw him perform live with my parents in the 50s. We called him "The Velvet Frog" in his later years, because he started life looking like a Prince... A prolific and multi-talented artist, his most memorable legacy besides his recorded vocals is The Christmas Song", co-authored on a sweltering summer day in L.A. to try and cool off and eventually released in over 1,300 versions. When asked why he kept singing the "old songs", Torme said they were simply better. "When young rock singers began writing their own, they displaced the community of songwriters who worked with grace, wit, charm, intelligence and brilliance." In fact, Torme got so discouraged about the state of popular music that at one point in the '60s, he decided to chuck it and he went to school to become an airline pilot. Well, he's flying now. And singing, I'm sure.
THE PROGRAMMER'S DRINKING SONG "99 little bugs in the code,99 little bugs in the code, fix one bug, compile it again, 101 little bugs in the code. 101 little bugs in the code..... (Repeat until no more bugs)"
+++++++++++6/6/99)++++++++++ * FIRESIGN SITE: www.firesigntheatre.com * FIRESIGN PRODUCT: www.lodestone-media.com * FUNNY TIMES: www.funnytimes.com
PLANET PROCTOR (C) 1999 by Phil ProctorSubject: Granite Peak, Forty Ways Men Fail In Bed Date: Sun, 06 Jun 1999 01:10:46 -0700 From: Magic Mike B <mmb Organization: Magic Jokes, Photos, Art, & Recipes http://funandmagic.com/ To: you
Hi, See Granite Peak, the Highest point in Montana. http://funandmagic.com/photolinks1.htm . It seems the email scare was not real. I am sorry i passed it to you. here is the antidote. Have a magic day and pass it on. Magic Mike parlor.htm
Check out this site http://www.usps.gov/news/press/99/99045new.htm
It has the disclaimer on charging for email
-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=
X Punishment
v141 Not nakedness, nor matted hair, nor fasting nor sleeping on the ground, neither rubbing the body with dust nor sitting like an ascetic can purify a person who has not solved his or her doubts.
v142 Even though richly clothed, he or she who is calm and controlled, who lives a good life and does no harm to others is a true seeker.
v143 Is there in this world a person so restrained that he or she gives no occasion for reproach, as a noble horse never deserves the whip?
v144 Like a well-trained horse when touched by the whip, let a person be active, let him throw off this load of misery by faith, goodness, meditation, understanding of the way, and wisdom.
v145 Irrigators guide water; fletchers straighten arrows; carpenters turn wood; wise persons shape themselves.
(Thus ends the chapter, Punishment)-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=
-=
Forty Ways Men Fail In Bed
.- - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - -
-------
1) NOT KISSING FIRST. Avoiding her lips and diving straight for the erogenous zones makes her feel like you're paying by the hour and trying to get your money's worth by cutting out nonessentials. A properly passionate kiss is the ultimate form of foreplay.
2) BLOWING TOO HARD IN HER EAR. Admit it, some kid at school told you girls love this. Well, there's a difference between being erotic and blowing as if you're trying to extinguish the candles on your 50th birthday cake. That hurts.
3) NOT SHAVING. You often forget you have a porcupine strapped to your chin which you rake repeatedly across your partner's face and thighs. When she turns her head from side to side, it's not passion, it's avoidance.
4) SQUEEZING HER BREAST. Most men act like a housewife testing a melon for ripeness when they get their hand on a pair. Stroke, caress, and soothe them.
5) BITING HER NIPPLES. Why do men fasten onto a woman's nipples, then clamp down like they're trying to deflate her body via her breasts? Nipples are highly sensitive. They can't stand up to chewing. Lick and suck them gently. Flicking your tongue across them is good. Pretending they're a doggie toy isn't.
6) TWIDDLING HER NIPPLES. Stop doing that thing where you twiddle the nipples between finger and thumb like you're trying to find a radio station in a hilly area. Focus on the whole breasts, not just the exclamation points.
7) IGNORING THE OTHER PARTS OF HER BODY. A woman is not a highway with just three turnoffs: Breastville East and West, and the Midtown Tunnel. There are vast areas of her body which you've ignored far too often as you go bombing straight into downtown Vagina. So start paying them some attention.
8) GETTING THE HAND TRAPPED. Poor manual dexterity in the underskirt region can result in tangled fingers and underpants. If you're going to be that aggressive, just ask her to take the damn things off.
9) LEAVING HER A LITTLE PRESENT. Condom disposal is the man's responsibility. You wore it, you store it.
10) ATTACKING THE CLITORIS. Direct pressure is very unpleasant, so gently rotate your fingers along side of the clitoris.
11) STOPPING FOR A BREAK. Women, unlike men, don't pick up where they left off. If you stop, they plummet back to square one very fast. If you can tell she's not there, keep going at all costs, numb jaw or not.
12) UNDRESSING HER AWKWARDLY. Women hate looking stupid, but stupid she will look when naked at the waist with a sweater stuck over her head. Unwrap her like an elegant present, not a kid's toy.
13) GIVING HER A WEDGIE DURING FOREPLAY. Stroking her gently through her panties can be very sexy. Pulling the material up between her thighs and yanking it back and forth is not.
14) BEING OBSESSED WITH THE VAGINA. Although most men can find the clitoris without maps, they still believe that the vagina is where it's all at. No sooner is your hand down there than you're trying to stuff stolen banknotes up a chimney. This is okay in principle, but if you're not careful, it can hurt - so don't get carried away. It's best to pay more attention to her clitoris and the exterior of her vagina at first, then gently slip a finger inside her and see if she likes it.
15) MASSAGING TOO ROUGHLY. You're attempting to give her a sensual, relaxing massage to get her in the mood. Hands and fingertips are okay; elbows and knees are not.
16) UNDRESSING PREMATURELY. Don't force the issue by stripping before she's at least made some move toward getting your stuff off, even if it's just undoing a couple of buttons.
17) TAKING YOUR PANTS OFF FIRST. A man in socks and underpants is a at his worst. Lose the socks first!
18) GOING TOO FAST. When you get to the penis-in-vagina situation, the worst thing you can do is pump away like an industrial power tool - she'll soon feel lie an assembly-line worker made obsolete by your technology. Build up slowly, with clean, straight, regular thrusts.
19) GOING TOO HARD. If you bash your great triangular hip bones into her thigh or stomach, the pain is equal to two weeks of horseback riding concentrated into a few seconds.
20) COMING TOO SOON. Every man's fear. With reason. If you shoot before you see the whites of her eyes, make sure you have a backup plan to ensure her pleasure too.
21) NOT COMING SOON ENOUGH. It may appear to you that humping for an hour without climaxing is the mark of a sex god, but to her it's more likely the mark of a numb vagina. At least buy some intriguing wall hangings, so she has something to hold her interest while you're playing Marathon Man.
22) ASKING IF SHE HAS COME. You really ought to be able to tell. Most women make noise. But if you really don't know, don't ask
23) PERFORMING ORAL SEX TOO GENTLY. Don't act like a giant cat at a saucer of milk. Get your whole mouth down there, and concentrate on gently rotating or flicking your tongue on her clitoris.
24) NUDGING HER HEAD DOWN. Men persist in doing this until she's eyeball-to-penis, hoping that it will lead very swiftly to mouth-to-penis. All women hate this. It's about three steps from being dragged to a cave by their hair. If you want her to use her mouth, use yours; try talking seductively to her.
25) NOT WARNING HER BEFORE YOU CLIMAX. Sperm tastes like sea water mixedwith egg white. Not everybody likes it. When she's performing oral sex, warn her before you come so she can do what's necessary.
26) MOVING AROUND DURING FELLATIO. Don't thrust. She'll do all the moving during fellatio. You just lie there. And don't grab her head.
27) TAKING ETTIQUETTE ADIVE FROM PORN MOVIES. In X-rated movies, women seem to love it when men ejaculate over them. In real life, it just means more laundry to do.
28) MAKING HER RIDE ON TOP FOR AGES. Asking her to be on top is fine. Lying there grunting while she does all the hard work is not. Caress her gently, so that she doesn't feel quite so much like the captain of a schooner. And let her have a rest.
29) ATTEMPTING ANAL SEX AND PRETENDING IT WAS AN ACCIDENT. This is how men earn a reputation for not being able to follow directions. If you want to put it there, ask her first. And don't think that being drunk is an excuse.
30) TAKING PICTURES. When a man says, "Can I take a photo of you?" she'll hear the words "__to show my buddies." At least let her have custody of them.
31) NOT BEING IMAGINATIVE ENOUGH. Imagination is anything from drawing patterns on her back to pouring honey on her and licking it off. Fruit, vegetables, ice and feathers are all handy props; hot candle wax and permanent dye are a no-no.
32) SLAPPING YOUR STOMACH AGAINT HERS. There is no less erotic noise. It's as sexy as a belching contest.
33) ARANGING HER IN STUPID POSES. If she wants to do advanced yoga in bed, fine, but unless she's a Romanian gymnast, don't get too ambitious. Ask yourself if you want a sexual partner with snapped hamstrings.
34) LOOKING FOR HER PROSTATE. Read this carefully: Anal stimulation feels good for men because they have a prostate. Women don't.
35) GIVING LOVE BITES. It is highly erotic to exert some gentle suction on the sides of the neck, if you do it carefully. No woman wants to have to wear turtlenecks and jaunty scarves for weeks on end.
36) BARKING INSTRUCTIONS. Don't shout encouragement like a coach with a megaphone. It's not a big turn-on.
37) TALKING DIRTY. It makes you sound like a lonely magazine editor calling a 1-900 line. If she likes nasty talk, she'll let you know
38) NOT CARING WHETHER SHE COMES. You have to finish the job. Keep on trying until you get it right, and she might even do the same for you.
39) SQUASHING HER. Men generally weigh more than women, so if you lie on her a bit too heavily, she will turn blue.
40) NOT THANKING HER. Don't forget that you're a fuckin' slob,... and you're lucky to have that goddess in your life. Be sure to thank her with BOTH words and actions.
Subject: Learned It, Been There Date: Fri, 04 Jun 1999 07:56:49 -0700 From: Magic Mike B <mmb Organization: Magic Jokes, Photos, Art, & Recipes http://funandmagic.com/ To: you
Hi, Today's Photolink has it all. The birth, death, and stunning in between of Space from The Hubble Telescope. http://funandmagic.com/photolinks1.htm . Here are some more great jokes, and other words of Wisdom. I think you'll like "What I've Learned." Have a magic day and pass it around. Magic Mike parlor.htm X Punishment
v134 They who are silent like a gong which is broken, know stillness. They reach freedom, where there is no more striving.
v135 As a cowman drives his cattle to pasture, so old age and death drive all before them.
v136 The fool pays no heed, not knowing when he or she makes mischief, and they light the fire that consumes them.
v137 Whoever harms the harmless and offends the inoffensive will come to one of these misfortunes.
v138 He will have cruel suffering, great loss, accident or injury, severe illness, madness...
v139 Trouble with the authorities, a dreadful accusation, death of relations, or loss of wealth...
v140 Or fire will burn his or her house, and upon their death they will go into the darkness.
(to be continued)
-=-=-=-=-=---=-=-=
George Bernard Shaw once wrote, "Giving advice is like kissing; it doesn't cost anything and it is a pleasant thing to do." True enough. But receiving practical and witty advice can be highly pleasurable too, as I hope the following will prove.
People from ages 5 to 95 share what they've discovered about life, love, and human kindness. Live and learn....and, please, pass it on. *smiles*
I Have Learned..... I've learned.... that the best classroom in the world is at the feet of an elderly person.
I've learned.... that a kindness done is never lost. It may take a while, but like a suitcase on a luggage carousel, it will return again.
I've learned.... that when you're in love, it shows.
I've learned.... that if you hang something in the closet for a while, it shrinks two sizes.
I've learned.... that just one person saying to me, "You've made my day!" makes my day.
I've learned.... that I feel better about myself when I make others feel better about themselves.
I've learned.... that having a child fall asleep in your arms is one of the most peaceful feelings in the world.
I've learned.... that what we have done for ourselves alone dies with us. What we have done for others and the world remains and is immortal.
I've learned.... that people will remember you as being a great conversationalist if you mostly listen.
I've learned.... that one sincere apology is worth more than all the roses money can buy.
I've learned.... that words harshly spoken are as difficult to retrieve as feathers in a gale.
I've learned.... that being kind is more important than being right.
I've learned.... that I need to let my friends comfort me and hold me up, to let them know I need support, that I'm not always as strong as I look or act.
I've learned.... that when I'm waiting to see my doctor, I always wish I had stuck to my diet.
I've learned.... that you should never say no to a gift from a child.
I've learned.... that I can always pray for someone when I don't have the strength to help him in some other way.
I've learned.... that the more mistakes I make, the smarter I get.
I've learned.... that no matter how serious your life requires you to be, everyone needs a friend to act goofy with.
I've learned.... that sometimes all a person needs is a hand to hold and a heart to understand.
I've learned.... that when my spouse has failed to fulfill my needs, it's highly likely I've also neglected his.
I've learned.... that simple walks with my father around the block on summer nights when I was a child did wonders for me as an adult.
I've learned.... that life is like a roll of toilet paper. The closer it gets to the end, the faster it goes.
I've learned.... that we should be glad God doesn't give us everything we ask for.
I've learned.... that money doesn't buy class.
I've learned.... that it's those small daily happenings that make life so spectacular.
I've learned.... that once a relationship is over, if you experienced more smiles than tears, then it wasn't a waste of time.
I've learned.... that under everyone's hard shell is someone who wants to be appreciated and loved.
I've learned.... never to humiliate another person. Always give him an honorable way to back down or out of something and still save face.
I've learned.... that the Lord didn't do it all in one day. What makes me think I can?
I've learned.... that if you are still talking about what you did yesterday, you haven't done much today.
I've learned.... that to ignore the facts does not change the facts.
I've learned.... that when you plan to get even with someone, you are only letting that person continue to hurt you.
I've learned.... that you view other people's children in a whole different light when you have some of your own.
I've learned.... that the older I get, the smarter my parents become.
I've learned.... that when your wife simply answers, "nothing" when you ask her what's wrong, you're in deep trouble.
I've learned.... that love, not time, heals all wounds.
I've learned.... that the easiest way for me to grow as a person is to surround myself with people smarter than I am.
I've learned.... that I always think of the right thing to say when it's too late.
I've learned.... that the fire of a past love will always burn with a small flame.
I've learned.... that even at the age of forty-nine, you can still feel like a twelve year old child when your mother is talking to you.
I've learned.... that no matter what their ages or how far away they may be, you never stop wanting to keep a protective arm around your children.
I've learned.... to gather all the crumbs thrown my way. They soon form a lovely, thick slice of life and memories.
I've learned.... that when you want a garment to shrink, it won't, and when you don't, it will come out of the dryer and fit your cat!
I've learned.... that commercials for feminine products always comes on when you are sitting in the living room with all men.
I've learned.... that the kind of adults my children are now is directly related to the kind of children I continually told them they were.
I've learned.... that everyone you meet deserves to be greeted with a smile.
I've learned.... that there's nothing sweeter than sleeping with your babies and feeling their breath on your cheeks.
I've learned.... that men would rather be lost for hours than stop and ask for directions.
I've learned.... that no one is perfect until you fall in love with them.
I've learned.... that life is tough, but I'm tougher.
I've learned.... that opportunities are never lost; someone will take the ones you miss.
I've learned.... that there is nothing better than my dog waiting for me on the front porch, wagging his tail when I get home.
I've learned.... that when you harbor bitterness, happiness will dock elsewhere.
I've learned.... that I wish I could have told my mom that I love her one more time before she passed away.
I've learned.... that it is just as wrong to be rude to a child as to an adult. In fact, it may be more unforgivable.
I've learned.... that you should never jump off a diving board when wearing a bikini.
I've learned.... that one should keep his words both soft and tender, because tomorrow he may have to eat them.
I've learned.... that a smile is an inexpensive way to improve your looks.
I've learned.... that I can't choose how I feel, but I can choose what I do about it.
I've learned.... that a peacock today may be a feather duster tomorrow.
I've learned.... that nobody wants to know what you're doing until you're doing something that you don't want anyone to know.
I've learned.... that when your newly born grandchild holds your little finger in his little fist, that you're hooked for life.
I've learned.... that those who reach their goals too easily have aimed too low.
I've learned.... that everyone wants to live on top of the mountain, but all the happiness and growth occurs while you're climbing it.
I've learned.... that when packing for a vacation, you should take half as many clothes as you think you will need and twice as much money. Your clothes and money should run out about the same time!
I've learned.... that stain resistant carpet will stain.
I've learned.... that it is best to give advice in only two circumstances; when it is requested and when it is a life-threatening situation.
I've learned.... that a good friend is the one who tells you how you really look in your jeans.
I've learned.... that the less time I have to work with, the more things I get done.
Compiled by H. Jackson Brown, Jr.
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The highest scoring word in the English language game of Scrabble is 'Quartzy'. This will score 164 points if played across a red triple-word square with the Z on a light blue double-letter square. It will score 162 points if played across two pink double-word squares with the Q and the Y on those squares. 'Bezique' and Cazique' are next with a possible 161 points. All three words score an extra 50 points for having seven letters and therefore emptying the letter rack in one go. The ash of the average cremated person weighs nine pounds.
Assuming Rudolph was in front, there are 40,320 ways to arrange the other eight reindeer. The dial tone of a normal telephone is in the key of "F".
The fingerprints of koala bears are virtually indistinguishable from those of humans, so much so that they could be confused at a crime scene. In the four major US professional sports, (Baseball, Basketball, Football, and Hockey), there are only seven teams whose nicknames do not end with an "S:"
Basketball: The Miami Heat, The Utah Jazz, The Orlando Magic. Baseball: The Boston Red Sox, The Chicago White Sox. Hockey: The Colorado Avalanche, The Tampa Bay Lightning. Football: None.
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Betsy Ross asked a group of colonists for their opinions of the flag that she had made. It was the first flag poll.
Employees at AAMCO Mufflers complain that it is exhausting work.
When the first marble building was built, everyone took it for granite.
The Janitors' Union went on strike, demanding sweeping reforms. The Bakers' Union, however, wanted more dough.
The inventor of artificial snow originally called his product Snow Fakes.
Thomas Jack, an Englishman, invented the automated packaging machine which revolutionized commercial sales in 1924. He was known as Jack the Wrapper, and he made a bundle.
Show me a blacksmith who is making hardware for a bathroom, and I'll show you a man who is forging a head.
Subject: Moki Canyon, Tax on Email??? Date: Wed, 02 Jun 1999 21:01:01 -0700 From: Magic Mike B <mmb Organization: Magic Jokes, Photos, Art, & Recipes http://funandmagic.com/ To: you
Hi, See Moki Canyon. Real nice ! http://funandmagic.com/photolinks1.htm . Below the jokes is a scare letter. I am sorry, i don't know is it's true, but I'm passing it on for your review. Have a magic day. Magic Mike parlor.htm X Punishment
v129 All persons fear pain and death. Remembering that he or she is one of them, let this person neither strike nor kill.
v130 All persons fear pain and death, all persons love life. Remembering that he or she is one of them, let this person neither strike nor kill.
v131 They who injure or kill those who are seeking for happiness, will not find it for themselves.
v132 They who do no harm to beings who long for happiness, will find it for themselves.
v133 Let no one speak harshly to another, for he or she will answer it the same way. Angry speech brings trouble and blows in return.
(to be continued)
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Gas
A nun was walking in the convent when one of the priests noticed that she was gaining a little weight.
"Gaining a little weight are we Sister Susan?" he asked. "No, Father. Just a little gas," Sister Susan explained.
A month or so later the priest noticed that she had gained even more weight.
"Gaining some weight are we Sister Susan?" he asked again. "Oh no, Father. Just a little gas," she replied again.
A couple of months later the priest noticed Sister Susan pushing a baby carriage around the convent. He leaned over and looked in the carriage and said, "Cute little fart."
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Three women were sitting around throwing back a few drinks and talking about their love lives. One woman said, "I call my husband the dentist. Nobody can drill like he does." The second woman giggled and confessed, "I call my husband the miner because of his incredible shaft." The third woman quietly sipped her whiskey until her friend asked, "Say, what do you call your husband?" She frowned and said, "The postman." "Why the postman?" "Because he always delivers late, and half the time it's in the wrong box." -=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-= A witness is testifying before the court, and the prosecuting attorney is asking him questions. "You witnessed the robbery, sir?" "Yes" "What was stolen?" "Two televisions" "Did you see the thieves?" "Yes" "Could you identify them?" "Yes" "Are the two men who stole the televisions in this courtroom?" At this point, the two defendants raised their hands!! What's a defense attorney to do? :)
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READ CAREFULLY AND DO YOUR PART
Please read the following carefully if you intend to stay online and continue using email: The last few months have revealed an alarming trend in the Government of the United States attempting to quietly push through legislation that will affect your use of the Internet.
Under proposed legislation (Bill 602P) the U.S. Postal Service will be attempting to bilk email users out of "alternate postage fees". Bill 602P will permit the Federal Govt. to charge a 5 cent surcharge on every email delivered, by billing Internet Service Providers at source. The consumer would then be billed in turn by the ISP. Washington D.C. lawyer Richard Steep is working without pay to prevent this legislation from becoming law.
The U.S. Postal Service is claiming that lost revenue due to the proliferation of email is costing nearly $230,000,000 in revenue per year. You may have noticed their recent ad campaign "There is nothing like a letter". Since the average citizen received about 10 pieces of email per day in 1998, the cost to the typical individual would be an additional 50 cents per day, or over $180 dollars per year, above and beyond their regular Internet costs. Note that this would be money paid directly to the U.S. Postal Service for a service they do not even provide.
The whole point of the Internet is democracy and non-interference. If the federal government is permitted to tamper with our liberties by adding a surcharge to email, who knows where it will end. You are already paying an exorbitant price for snail mail because of bureaucratic inefficiency. It currently takes up to 6 days for a letter to be delivered from New York to Buffalo. If the U.S. Postal Service is allowed to tinker with email, it will mark the end of the "free" Internet in the United States.
One congressman, Tony Schnell (R) has even suggested a "twenty to forty dollar per month surcharge on all Internet service" above and beyond the government's proposed email charges. Note that most of the major newspapers have ignored the story, the only exception being the Washingtonian which called the idea of email surcharge "a useful concept who's time has come"
(March 6th 1999 Editorial) Don't sit by and watch your freedoms erode away! Send this email to all Americans on your list and tell your friends and relatives to write to their congressman and say "No!" to Bill 602P
Kate Turner Assistant to Richard Stepp Berger, Stepp and Gorman Attorneys at Law 216 Concorde Street, Vienna, Va.
It's the action, not the fruit of the action that's important. You have to do the right thing...You may never know what results come from your action. But if you do nothing, there will be no result. (Gandhi)
Subject: Escalante Canyon, Trouble, The Law Date: Tue, 01 Jun 1999 10:17:22 -0700 From: Magic Mike B <mmb Organization: Magic Jokes, Photos, Art, & Recipes http://funandmagic.com/ To: you
Hi, Escalante Canyon coming your way! http://funandmagic.com/photolinks1.htm . If you haven't tried the Screensaver Sideshow yet, I really recommend it. It is enjoyable to see all these great photos. It is so subtle, it resides in your Windows screen saver selections options as "Sideshow", will let you chose a folder, and has 40 transition effects. It handles any number of photos at any interval. It's on my Free Helpful Utilities page. Have a glass of clean, healthy water and have a magic day! STAY OUT OF TROUBLE! Magic Mike IX Trouble
v125 Like dust thrown against the wind, trouble falls back upon the fool who harms the harmless.
v126 Some come to rebirth, others to states of heaven or hell; those who are free from the bonds that tie them realize Nirvana.
v127 Not in the sky, nor in the sea, nor in a cave in the mountains can a person escape from his or her harmful deeds.
v128 Not in the sky, nor in the sea, nor in a cave in the mountains can a person find a place where death cannot overcome him or her.
(Thus ends the Chapter, Trouble) --------- In Michigan, a woman isn't allowed to cut her own hair without her husband's permission.
In Nevada sex without a condom is considered illegal.
An ordinance in Newcastle, Wyoming, specifically bans couples from having sex while standing inside a store's walk-in meat freezer!
In Norfolk, Virginia, a woman can't go out without wearing a corset. (There was a civil-service job-for men only-called a corset inspector.)
In Oblong, Illinois, it's punishable by law to make love while hunting or fishing on your wedding day.
In Oxford, Ohio, it's illegal for a woman to strip off her clothing while standing in front of a man's picture.
In hotels in Sioux Falls, South Dakota, every room is required to have twin beds. And the beds must always be a minimum of two feet apart when a couple rents a room for only one night. And it's illegal to make love on the floor between the beds!
A Tremonton, Utah law states that no woman is allowed to have sex with a man while riding in an ambulance. In addition to normal charges, the woman's name will be published in the local newspaper. The man does not receive any punishment.
Utah state legislation outlaws all sex with anyone but your spouse. Next to that adultery, oral and anal sex, masturbation are considered sodomy and can lead to imprisonment. Sex with an animal - unless performed for profit - however is NOT considered sodomy. Polygamy - provided only the missionary position has been applied - is only a misdemeanor.
In Ventura County, California cats and dogs are not allowed to have sex without a permit.
The only acceptable sexual position in Washington D.C. is the missionary-style position. Any other sexual position is considered illegal.
In Willowdale, Oregon no man may curse while having sex with his wife.
In the state of Washington there is a law against having sex with a virgin under any circumstances. (Including the wedding night)
