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"Since all phenomena, is a product of
one's own mind, empty of meaning, like a magician's illusion,
having nothing to do with good or bad, acceptance or rejection, one might
burst out in laughter."
- Longchenpa, 13th century Tibetan monk.
Subject: "it takes an aroused man to make a chicken affectionate." Date: Sun, 30 May 1999 10:24:22 -0700 From: Magic Mike B <mmb Organization: Magic Jokes, Photos, Art, & Recipes http://funandmagic.com/ To: you
Hi, See Rainbow Bridge, a stunning erosion erosion structure, at http://funandmagic.com/photolinks1.htm . There is a new tune on my WAV page, "Tonight, I Celebrate My Love." Also, I fixed the bad pic link on the Best Cartoon page. Please send more jokes, recipes, and links. Have a magic day and pass it on. Magic Mike http://funandmagic.com/ VIII Trouble
v121 Let no one think lightly of wrong-doing: "It will not touch me." Drop by drop is the pitcher filled, and little by little the fool becomes filled with folly.
v122 Do not belittle your own goodness: "I have not deserved this." Drop by drop the pitcher is filled and with wise one is filled with virtue.
v123 Let a person avoid wrong-doing, as a merchant with few friends and great wealth avoids a dangerous road, or as one wishes to live avoids poison.
v124 He or she who has no wound may touch poison with their hand, and it will not harm them. There is no harm for one who does no harm.
(to be continued)
-=-=-=-=-=-=-=--=
On the first day of college, the Dean addressed the students:
"The female dormitory is out-of-bounds for all male students, and the male dormitory to the female students. Anybody caught breaking this rule will be fined $20 the first time. The second time you will be fined $60. A third time will cost you a fine of $180. Are there any questions?"
A male student inquired, "How much for a season pass?"
-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=
-=-
Before performing a baptism, the priest approached the young father and said solemnly, "Baptism is a serious step. Are you prepared for it?"
"I think so," the man replied. "My wife has made appetizers and we have a caterer coming to provide plenty of cookies and cakes for all of our guests."
"I don't mean that," the priest responded. "I mean, are you prepared spiritually?"
"Oh, sure," came the reply. "I've got a keg of beer and a case of whiskey."
-=--=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=
-=-=-=-=-
Two dog owners were bragging about the intelligence of their pets. "The brightest dog I ever had," said one, "was a Great Dane that used to play cards. He was a whiz at poker, but finally a friend complained about him and I had him put to sleep."
"You had him put to sleep, a bright dog like that? A dog like that would be worth a million dollars." "Had to", he replied, "Caught him using marked cards.
--==-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-
Final Examination
The blonde reported for her University final examination, which consists of "yes/no" type questions. She takes her seat in the examination hall, stares at the question paper for five minutes, and then in a fit of inspiration takes her purse out, removes a coin and starts tossing the coin and marking the answer sheet - Yes for Heads and No for Tails. Within half an hour she is all done whereas the rest of the class is sweating it out.
During the last few minutes, she is seen desperately throwing the coin, swearing and sweating.
The moderator, alarmed, approaches her and asks what is going on.
"I finished the exam in half and hour. But, she says, I am rechecking my answers."
-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-
The Dairy Association's huge success with the campaign "Got Milk?" prompted them to expand advertising to Mexico. It was soon brought to their attention the Spanish translation read "Are you lactating?"
Coors put its slogan, "Turn It Loose," into Spanish, where it was read as "Suffer From Diarrhea."
Scandinavian vacuum manufacturer Electrolux used the following in an American campaign: "Nothing sucks like an Electrolux."
Clairol introduced the "Mist Stick," a curling iron, into Germany only to find out that "mist" is slang for manure. Not too many people had use for the "Manure Stick."
When Gerber started selling baby food in Africa, they used the same packaging as in the US, with the smiling baby on the label. Later they learned that in Africa, companies routinely put pictures on the labels of what's
inside, since many people can't read.
Colgate introduced a toothpaste in France called Cue, the name of a notorious pornographic magazine.
An American T-shirt maker in Miami printed shirts for the Spanish market which promoted the Pope's visit. Instead of "I Saw the Pope" (el Papa), the shirts read "I Saw the Potato" (la papa).
Pepsi's "Come Alive With the Pepsi Generation" translated into "Pepsi Brings Your Ancestors Back From the Grave" in Chinese. The Coca-Cola name in China was first read as "Kekoukela", meaning "Bite
the wax tadpole" or "female horse stuffed with wax", depending on the dialect. Coke then researched 40,000 characters to find a phonetic equivalent "kokou kole", translating into "happiness in the mouth."
Frank Perdue's chicken slogan, "It takes a strong man to make a tender chicken" was translated into Spanish as "it takes an aroused man to make a chicken affectionate."
When Parker Pen marketed a ball-point pen in Mexico, its ads were supposed to have read, "It won't leak in your pocket and embarrass you." The company thought that the word "embarazar" (to impregnate) meant to embarrass, so the ad read: "It won't leak in your pocket and make you pregnant"
When American Airlines wanted to advertise its new leather first class seats in the Mexican market, it translated its "Fly In Leather" campaign literally, which meant "Fly Naked" (vuela en cuero) in Spanish.
Subject: Dusk at Petrified Dunes Date: Sat, 29 May 1999 10:55:33 -0700 From: Magic Mike B <mmb Organization: Magic Jokes, Photos, Art, & Recipes http://funandmagic.com/ To: you
Hi, See dusk over the Petrified Dunes at Lake Powell. http://funandmagic.com/photolinks1.htm . Have a magic weekend and pass it on. Magic Mike http://funandmagic.com/mmmoney.htm VIII The Thousands
v116 Better to do good than harm, and better to do it at once. If a person hesitates and is slow to do good, he or she is easily seized by mischief.
v117 Turn away from wrong-doing and take no pleasure in it. Turn away from it again and again, for sorrow is its outcome.
v118 Do good, and do it again and again, and gladness and happiness will be the outcome.
v119 Even a wrongdoer is happy so long as his or her evil has not ripened, but when it bears fruit, he or she suffers.
v120 Even a good person suffers trouble while his or her good deed has not ripened, but when it bears fruit he or she is happy.
(to be continued)
-=-=-=-=-=-=-
Dr. Seuss and Kurt Vonnegut went to college together. They were even in the same fraternity, where Seuss decorated the fraternity house walls with 20 drawings of his characters.
If you can see a rainbow you must have your back to the sun. If you don't, you can't see it.
The reason firehouses have circular stairways is from the days of yore when the engines were pulled by horses. The horses were stabled on the ground
floor and figured out how to walk up straight staircases.
The first song played on Armed Forces Radio during operation Desert Shield was Rock the Casbah by the Clash.
It's rumored that sucking on a copper penny will cause a breath-alyzer to read 0.
In the 1940s, the FCC assigned television's Channel 1 to mobile services, two-way radios in taxicabs, for instance) but did not re-number the other channel assignments. That is why your TV set has channels 2 and up but no channel 1.
Dogs and humans are the only animals with prostates.
Subject: Dusk at Petrified Dunes Date: Sat, 29 May 1999 10:55:33 -0700 From: Magic Mike B <mmb Organization: Magic Jokes, Photos, Art, & Recipes http://funandmagic.com/ To: you
Hi, See dusk over the Petrified Dunes at Lake Powell. http://funandmagic.com/photolinks1.htm . Have a magic weekend and pass it on. Magic Mike http://funandmagic.com/mmmoney.htm VIII The Thousands
v116 Better to do good than harm, and better to do it at once. If a person hesitates and is slow to do good, he or she is easily seized by mischief.
v117 Turn away from wrong-doing and take no pleasure in it. Turn away from it again and again, for sorrow is its outcome.
v118 Do good, and do it again and again, and gladness and happiness will be the outcome.
v119 Even a wrongdoer is happy so long as his or her evil has not ripened, but when it bears fruit, he or she suffers.
v120 Even a good person suffers trouble while his or her good deed has not ripened, but when it bears fruit he or she is happy.
(to be continued)
-=-=-=-=-=-=-
Dr. Seuss and Kurt Vonnegut went to college together. They were even in the same fraternity, where Seuss decorated the fraternity house walls with 20 drawings of his characters.
If you can see a rainbow you must have your back to the sun. If you don't, you can't see it.
The reason firehouses have circular stairways is from the days of yore when the engines were pulled by horses. The horses were stabled on the ground
floor and figured out how to walk up straight staircases.
The first song played on Armed Forces Radio during operation Desert Shield was Rock the Casbah by the Clash.
It's rumored that sucking on a copper penny will cause a breath-alyzer to read 0.
In the 1940s, the FCC assigned television's Channel 1 to mobile services, two-way radios in taxicabs, for instance) but did not re-number the other channel assignments. That is why your TV set has channels 2 and up but no channel 1.
Dogs and humans are the only animals with prostates.
Subject: Wine and Cheese at Lake Powell, Paul Harvey, Texan time Date: Fri, 28 May 1999 10:45:33 -0700 From: Magic Mike B <mmb Organization: Magic Jokes, Photos, Art, & Recipes http://funandmagic.com/ To: you
Hi, It's wines and cheese time at Lake Powell. http://funandmagic.com/photolinks1.htm . Have a nice holiday weekend. Here's an interesting thing from Paul Harvey's Radio Show. Most of it is right on, although it must have been written by a gun lover. At the end he made me cringe when the letter writer tries to debunk evolution. Matthew Bradey, watch out! Someone wants to "Inherit The Wind". Have a magic day and pass it on. Magic Mike http://ld.net/?phon4less PAUL HARVEY ON LITTLETON
Paul Harvey read this Letter to the Editor on his news cast a couple of weeks ago. It was tracked down on the Internet through the San Angelo Standard - Times; give them full credit for this article.
4/27/99 How can we blame it all on guns?
For the life of me, I can't understand what could have gone wrong in Littleton, Colorado. If only the parents had kept their children away from the guns, we wouldn't have had such a tragedy. Yeah, it must have been the guns.
It couldn't have been because of half our children being raised in broken homes.
It couldn't have been because our children get to spend an average of 30 seconds in meaningful conversation with their parents each day. After all, we give our children quality time.
It couldn't have been because we treat our children as pets and our pets as children.
It couldn't have been because we place our children in day care centers
where they learn their socialization skills among their peers under the law of the jungle while employees who have no vested interest in the children look on and make sure that no blood is spilled.
It couldn't have been because we allow our children to watch, on the average, seven hours of television a day filled with the glorification of sex and violence that isn't fit for adult consumption.
It couldn't have been because we allow our children to enter into virtual worlds in which, to win the game, one must kill as many opponents as possible in the most sadistic way possible.
It couldn't have been because we have sterilized and contracepted our families down to sizes so small that the children we do have are so spoiled with material things that they come to equate the receiving of the material with love.
It couldn't have been because our children, who historically have been seen as a blessing from God, are now being viewed as either a mistake created when contraception fails or inconveniences that parents try to raise in their spare time.
It couldn't have been because we give two-year prison sentences to teenagers who kill their newborns.
It couldn't have been because our school systems teach the children that they are nothing but glorified apes who have evolutionized out of some primordial soup of mud by teaching evolution as fact and by handing out condoms as if they were candy.
It couldn't have been because we teach our children that there are no laws of morality that transcend us, that everything is relative and that actions don't have consequences. What the heck, the president gets away with it.
Nah, it must have been the guns.
-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-
VIII The Thousands
v110 Better than a hundred years of uncontrolled existence is one day of thoughtful and meditative life.
v111 Better than a hundred years of ignorance and folly is one day of wise and clear-sighted living.
v112 Better than a hundred years of idleness is one day spent with energy and determination.
v113 Better to understand for a single day the fleeting nature of things than to live for a hundred years without such understanding.
v114 Better one day with a vision of life beyond the Way than a hundred years of blindness to the truth.
v115 Better one day with a knowledge of the Way than a hundred years of ignorance.
(Thus ends the chapter, The Thousands)
-=--=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=
A four-year-old girl was learning to say the Lord's Prayer. She was reciting it all by herself without help from her mother. She said, "And lead us not into temptation, but deliver us some e-mail. AMEN"
-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=
-=-=-=-=-=-=-=
-=-=
A loaded mini van pulled in to the only remaining campsite. Four children leaped from the vehicle and began feverishly unloading gear and setting up the tent. The boys rushed to gather firewood, while the girls and their
mother set up the camp stove and cooking utensils. A nearby camper marveled to the youngsters' father, "That, sir, is some display of teamwork."
The father replied, "I have a system; no one goes to the bathroom until
the camp is set up."
-=--=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=
The top things you would NEVER hear a Texan say...ever....
40. "Oh I just couldn't, hell, she's only sixteen." 39. "I'll take Shakespeare for 1000, Alex" 38. Duct tape won't fix that. 37. Lisa Marie was lucky to catch Michael. 36. Come to think of it, I'll have a Heineken. 35. We don't keep firearms in this house. 34. Has anybody seen the sideburns trimmer? 33. You can't feed that to the dog. 32. I thought Graceland was tacky. 31. No kids in the back of the pickup, it's just not safe. 30. Wrasslin's fake. 29. Honey, did you mail that donation to Greenpeace? 28. We're vegetarians. 27. Do you think my gut is too big? 26. I'll have grapefruit and grapes instead of biscuits and gravy. 25. Honey, we don't need another dog. 24. Who's Richard Petty? 23. Give me the small bag of pork rinds. 22. Too many deer heads detract from the decor. 21. Spittin is such a nasty habit. 20. I just couldn't find a thing at Wal-Mart today. 19. Trim the fat off that steak. 18. Cappuccino tastes better than espresso. 17. The tires on that truck are too big. 16. I'll have the arugula and radicchio salad. 15. I've got it all on the C drive. 14. Unsweetened tea tastes better. 13. Would you like your fish poached or broiled? 12. My fiancee, Bobbie Jo, is registered at Tiffany's. 11. I've got two cases of Zima for the Super Bowl. 10. Little Debbie snack cakes have too many fat grams. 9. Checkmate. 8. She's too young to be wearing a bikini. 7. Does the salad bar have bean sprouts? 6. Hey, here's an episode of "Hee Haw" that we haven't seen. 5. I don't have a favorite college team. 4. Be sure to bring my salad dressing on the side. 3. I believe you cooked those green beans too long. 2. Those shorts ought to be a little longer, Darla. 1. "Nope, no more for me. I'm drivin tonight."
-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=--=-=
Because I'm a gal--
Because I'm a gal, I don't need the television remote control - I have to have the VCR remote so that I can fast forward through the commercials in the soaps I recorded. If I can't find the remote, I will sit patiently through most of the commercial, then get frustrated and get up and manually fast forward through the last 2 seconds.
Because I'm a gal, when I lock my keys in the car I will call my husband who is 3 hours away. If he won't come and fiddle with a wire clothes hanger and instead suggests that we call a road service then I will divorce him - well at least threaten to. Oh, and when the car isn't running very well, I will complain about how my husband won't work on it for me. This weekend I persuaded him to change the oil and Wednesday my headlight went out - I know he only did that to get out of changing my oil next time.
Because I'm a gal, I have the right to be a witch one week every month. Yes a full 25% of the time I have the right to be as hateful and rude as I want and totally uncaring about you - in fact, I know that somehow you are to blame for this. If you are not completely tolerant of me I will tell the whole world what an uncaring jerk you are with no understanding. You never get sick as I do, so for you this isn't an issue.
Because I'm a gal, I expect to be able to rely on you to purchase basic groceries at the store, like milk, or bread, or Cumin, or Tofu.
Because I'm a gal, when one of our appliances stops working I will insist on you fixing it. If you want to call a repair man that's ok, but for a little bit more $ we could get a new one! In fact, don't even bother with it, I don't want to clean up your mess, and a repair man is too expensive - I'll just run downtown and get a new one, where's the checkbook?
Because I'm a gal, I know WE are lost because I am lost, I don't care that you think you know where you are at. I am positive we should stop and ask someone, but don't even think about asking ME to go in that gas station and ask a stranger for anything, much less directions! And put that map away, you can't drive and look at that map - Oh no, don't give it to me, you know I don't know how to read those things.
Because I'm a gal, there is no need to give beyond a one word answer when I ask what you are thinking about. I only asked to open conversation so that I can tell you what I am thinking about.
Because I'm a gal, I do not want to visit your mother, or have your mother come visit us, or talk to her when she calls, or think about her any more than I have to. Whatever you got her for mother's day is just fine with me - YOU DID WHAT?!? You never got one of those for me!! I'm leaving! When you get ready to apologize, I'll be at Moms.
Because I'm a gal, I am capable of repeating the story (at your family reunion) about how you and your buddies go get drunk and stay out all night. I can repeat this story every year and tell it so as it sounds like a new event even if it did only happen once 5 years ago. If you so much as open your mouth while I am telling the story I will blurt out something like - OH, ARE YOU DENYING IT? TELL ME IT'S NOT TRUE!
Because I'm a gal, you don't have to ask me if I liked the movie. If it had Arnold Swarzenegger or the like in it - I didn't like it and I can't believe you did, in fact I am mad at you for liking it. And if I am crying at the end of it, I did like it and you BETTER have liked it too.
Because I'm a gal, yes, I have to turn up the radio when the latest pop sensation tune comes on. And yes it is a must that I buy the tape, wear out the one song, and then clutter the glove box and console with the worthless piece of junk. I'm tired of it for a while, but you better not take it out of my car, or even think about throwing it away. This process is best carried out in conjunction with the 8 hr vacation drive. By the time we get to the beach, he will go along with whatever I want. For the next few days he will care about nothing but getting that stupid tune out of his head, then we can return home (with a new pop sensation picked up at the beach gift shop at twice the $).
Because I'm a gal, I think what you're wearing is fine - even though you didn't ask. I thought what you were wearing the other day would look better though. No, no, no, I don't like that either, here put this on.
Because I'm a gal and this is, after all, the 90's, I will share equally in the housework. You mow the lawn, paint the house, fix the plumbing, add some more outlets, and do exactly as I say to the landscaping and flower bed, and I'll get a cleaning lady to fix up the house while I run to town. Oh, don't get carried away digging those holes for the azaleas, you keep an eye on the kids, they'll be in the street before you know it.
Subject: Self Worth Date: Thu, 27 May 1999 10:25:12 -0700 From: Magic Mike B <mmb Organization: Magic Jokes, Photos, Art, & Recipes http://funandmagic.com/ To: you
Hi, Today's pic for your wallpaper is a rainbow and storm over Glen Canyon from PhototripUSA. http://funandmagic.com/photolinks1.htm . I have been making some money on my phone page for cheap long distance. I urge all of you to get one for yourself by going to my page, http://ld.net/?phon4less and clicking on business opportunity at the top of the page. It will automatically make you a free page similar to mine, and automatically take orders for you, send out thank you letters, and handle your clients and commissions. You get your own, unique URL you can refer people to, and you can use it for signing up people for service that don't have internet access. They get cheap rates and you get 6%-10% of their phone bill. Have a magic day and pass it on. Magic Mike parlor.htm A well known speaker started off his seminar by holding up a $20 bill. In the room of 200, he asked, "Who would like this $20 bill?"
Hands started going up. He said, "I am going to give this $20 to one of you but first, let me do this." He proceeded to crumple the dollar
bill up.
He then asked, "Who still wants it?" Still the hands were up in the air.
"Well," he replied, "what if I do this?" And he dropped it on the ground and started to grind it into the floor with his shoe. He picked it up, now all crumpled and dirty. "Now who still wants it?" Still the hands went into the air.
He said, "My friends, you have all learned a very valuable lesson. No
matter what I did to the money, you still wanted it because it did not
decrease in value. It was still worth $20. Many times in our lives, we are dropped, crumpled, and ground into the dirt by the decisions we make and the circumstances that come our way. We feel as though we are worthless. But no matter what has happened or what will happen, you will never lose your value in God's eyes. To Him, dirty or clean, crumpled or finely creased, you are still priceless to Him."
Psalm 17:8 states that God will keep us, "as the apple of His eye."
THOUGHT: The worth of our lives come not in what we do or who we are but by WHOSE WE ARE!
You are special. Have a great day!!!
-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=
-=-=-=
The Dhammapada
VIII The Thousands
v106 Though a person sacrifice a thousand pieces of money every month for a hundred years, one moment of reverence for the possessor of true knowledge is of more avail.
v107 Though a person should offer sacrifices for a hundred years, one moment of homage for they one who is awake is of greater benefit.
v108 Whatever offering a person may make to gain merit, it is not worth a small part of reverence for a wise man or woman.
v109 Revering such a person, even when he or she has grown old in their wisdom, will bring happiness and beauty and strength.
(to be continued)
-=-=-=-=-=-=-
-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=---=-=
=
Do you ever feel overworked, over-regulated, under-leisured and under benefited? Take heart, this notice was found in the ruins of a London office building. It was dated 1852
1. This firm has reduced the hours of work, and the clerical staff will now only have to be present between the hours of 6 a.m. and 7 p.m. weekdays.
2. Clothing must be of sober nature. The clerical staff will not disport themselves in raiment of bright colors, nor will they wear hose unless in good repair.
3. Overshoes and topcoats may not be worn in the office, but neck scarves and headgear may be worn in inclement weather.
4. A stove is provided for the benefit of the clerical staff. Coal and wood must be kept in the locker. It is recommended that each member of
the clerical staff bring four pounds of coal each day during the cold weather.
5. No member of the clerical staff may leave the room without permission from the supervisor.
6. No talking is allowed during business hours.
7. The craving for tobacco, wine, or spirits is a human weakness, and as such is forbidden to all members of the clerical staff.
8. Now that the hours of business have been drastically reduced, the partaking of food is allowed between 1130 and noon, but work will not on any account cease!!!.
9. Members of the clerical staff will provide their own pens. Ink is available on application to the supervisor.
10. The supervisor will nominate a senior clerk to be responsible for the cleanliness of the main office and the supervisor's private office. All boys and juniors will report to him 40 minutes before prayers and will remain after closing hours for similar work. Brushes, brooms, scrubbers, and soap are provided by the owners.
11. The owners recognize the generosity of the new labor laws, but will expect a great rise in output of work to compensate for these near Utopian conditions.
-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=
-=-=-=-=-=-=
A small town farmer had three daughters. Being a single father, he tended to be a little overprotective of his daughters. When gentlemen came to take his daughters out on a date, he would greet them with a shotgun to make sure they knew who was boss. One evening, all of his daughters were going out on dates. The doorbell rang, the farmer got his shotgun, and answered the door. A gentlemen said, Hi, I'm Joe, I'm here for Flo, We're goin' to the show, Is she ready to go? The farmer frowned but decided to let them go. The doorbell rang again, the farmer got his shotgun, and answered the door. A gentlemen said, Hi, I'm Eddie, I'm here for Betty, We gettin' spaghetti, Is she ready? The farmer frowned but decided to let them go. The doorbell rang again, the farmer got his shotgun, and answered the door. A gentlemen said, Hi, I'm Chuck, And the farmer shot him.
-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=
-=
THE STUDENT MIND DURING A FINAL EXAM
The last thoughts, and percentages of brain capacity
* 10% The prof. never covered this section! * 10% Actual knowledge on the subject. * 10% The T.A.'s kinda cute! * 10% I knew I should have read the book! * 10% Soon this will all be behind me! * 10% I hope the curve is really low! * 10% PANIC ZONE! * 10% Prayers for a miracle flood, fire, tornado, hurricane, earthquake...etc... * 10% Eeny, meeny, miny moe... * 10% Summer break!
-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=
-=
What do you call steaks ordered by 10 Jews? A. Filet minyan.
Subject: Stunning Space Pic, Planet Proctor Date: Tue, 25 May 1999 21:40:20 -0700 From: Magic Mike B <mmb Organization: Magic Jokes, Photos, Art, & Recipes http://funandmagic.com/ To: you
"A guy who took Viagra while involved in litigation reported an unusual side effect: The blood rushed to his lawyer." --Stan Kaplan
Hi, If you had only one pic ever, for your wallpaper, this could do fine. NGC6872 is the most incredible photos I have ever seen. Go for the big version if you can. http://funandmagic.com/photolinks1.htm . Phil Proctor's Planet Orbit circles the bottom of this email today. Another chapter, catching up to The Thousands starts it off. Another job interview and some quotes I've never seen fill the sandwich. Have a magic day and pass it on. Magic Mike parlor.htm
-=--=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=
-
The Dhammapada
VIII The Thousands
v100 Better than a thousand meaningless words is one word of sense, which brings the hearer peace.
v101 Better than a thousand senseless verses is one which brings the hearer peace.
v102 Better than a thousand useless verses is one word of the truth which brings the hearer peace.
v103 Though one man conquer a thousand men in battle a thousand times, he who conquers himself is the greatest warrior.
v104 The conquest of oneself is better than the conquest of all others.
v105 Neither gods nor demons can turn this victory into a defeat.
(to be continued)
-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=
-=-=-=-=-=
ELECTRONICS STUDENT IN AN INTERVIEW
Interviewer: Why is a thicker conductor necessary to carry a current in A.C. as compared to D.C.?
Candidate: An AC current goes up and down (drawing a sinusoid) and requires more space inside the wire, so the wire has to be thicker.
Interviewer: How will you tell if that wall outlet carries AC or DC?
Candidate: I will put my finger in. If it is pushed away, it is DC. If it gets stuck, it was AC.
Interviewer: How will you reverse direction of an induction motor?
Candidate: I will remove the four bolts at the base, turn the motor around, and put back the bolts.
Interviewer: How do you start a synchronous motor?
Candidate: Vrrrrrrrmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmm (in rising pitch)
Interviewer: Stop! Stop!
Candidate: rrrrrrrmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmm (in falling pitch)
Interviewer: How do you limit surge current within an integrated circuit?
Candidate: By using a miniature circuit breaker.
External (to student): Why does a capacitor block DC but allow AC to pass through?
Student: See, a capacitor is like this --- --- , OK. DC Comes straight, like this ----------, and the capacitor stops it. But AC, goes UP, DOWN, Up DOWN and jumps right over the capacitor!"
Examiner: "What is a step-up transformer?"
Student: "A transformer that is put on top of electric poles."
Examiner (smiling): "And then what is a step-down transformer?"
Student (hesitantly): "Uh -- A transformer that is put in the basement or in a pit?"
Examiner (pouncing): "Then what do you call a transformer that is installed on the ground?"
(Student knows he is caught -- can't answer)
Examiner (impatiently): "Well?"
Student (triumphantly): "A stepless transformer, sir!"
-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=
-=-=-=
QUIPS & QUOTES
If we encounter a man of rare intellect, we should ask him what books he reads. --Ralph Waldo Emerson
Whenever I have a birthday, I think back over the past year, how I've spent my time, what I've accomplished, what regrets I have, how I've tried to make the world a better place, and what exactly I've been doing with my life over the past 365 days, and I think to myself, "Man, I wish I'd gotten laid more." --R.M. Weiner
What if Paul Newman had gotten the idea instead of Robert Redford? Think how bent out of shape Jesse Helms would be every year over the Butch Film Festival. --Dave Henry
A trial is a lot like gladiator combat. Except trials don't feature half-naked men in armor with swords and spears and those ball thingies at the ends of ropes. Well, okay -- the good trials do, but it doesn't happen often enough, if you ask me. --Jonathan Colan
It saddens me to hear about third world sweatshops. Since they're mostly full of young women, they really should be called "glowshops." --Blair Bostick
Life is great, but the hours are hell. --Gregory G. Parrish
The world is a miserable place and we all have a duty to ensure it stays that way.
User n.: A programmer who will believe anything you tell him.
They're only trying to make me LOOK paranoid!
The Fifth Rule: You have taken yourself too seriously.
Washington [D.C.] is a city of Southern efficiency and Northern charm. --John F. Kennedy
Things will be bright in P.M. A cop will shine a light in your face.
Succumb to natural tendencies. Be hateful and boring.
If all the world's a stage, I want to operate the trap door. --Paul Beatty
If you want your spouse to listen and pay strict attention to every word you say, talk in your sleep.
Nothing is illegal if one hundred businessmen decide to do it. --Andrew Young
An elephant is a mouse with an operating system.
Isn't it strange that the same people that laugh at gypsy fortune tellers take economists seriously?
Adore, v.: To venerate expectantly. --Ambrose Bierce, "The Devil's Dictionary"
You are wise, witty, and wonderful, but you spend too much time reading this sort of trash.
When you make your mark in the world, watch out for guys with erasers. --The Wall Street Journal
Scott's first Law: No matter what goes wrong, it will probably look right.
Beware of low-flying butterflies.
Fifth Law of Procrastination: Procrastination avoids boredom; one never has the feeling that there is nothing important to do.
Confession is good for the soul only in the sense that a tweed coat is good for dandruff. --Peter de Vries
Even if you do learn to speak correct English, whom are you going to speak it to? --Clarence Darrow
All I ask is a chance to prove that money can't make me happy.
You cannot kill time without injuring eternity.
On-line, adj.: The idea that a human being should always be accessible to a computer.
Screw up your courage! You've screwed up everything else.
Cloning is the sincerest form of flattery.
The best defense against logic is ignorance.
Democracy is the recurrent suspicion that more than half of the people are right more than half of the time. --E.B. White
-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=
(((((((((((((((((((((((( PLANET PROCTOR 99 - 11 http://www.planetproctor.com
"The fact that an opinion has been widely held is no evidence whatever that it is not utterly absurd." -- Bertrand Russell
FOR STARTERS In the beginning was the plan. And then came the Assumptions. And the Assumptions were without form. And the Plan was without substance. And darkness was upon the face of the Workers. And they spoke among themselves, saying, "It is a crock of shit, and it stinks." And the spokesperson went to their Supervisors and said, "It is a pail of dung, and we can't live with the smell." And the Supervisors went to their Managers, saying, "It is a container of excrement, and it is very strong, such that none may abide by it." And the Managers went to their Directors, saying, "It is a vessel of fertilizer and none may abide its strength." And the Directors spoke among themselves, saying to one another,
"It contains that which aids plant growth, and it is very strong." And the Directors went to the Vice Presidents, saying unto them,
"It promotes growth, and it is very powerful." And the Vice Presidents went to the President, saying onto him, "This plan will actively promote growth and vigor of the company with powerful effects" And the President looked upon the Plan and saw that it was good.
And the Plan became Policy. And that is how shit happens. (Uncredited)
"If the competition were drowning, I would shove a hose in his mouth." -- Ray Croc, founder of McDonald's.
FOLLOW THESE SIMPLE DIRECTIONS Tulis' McCall's wonderful one-woman show "Running With Scissors", directed by yours as truly as possible, starts a 6-week run on June 8th,
Tuesday and Wednesday nights only at 8pm, at the beautiful Court Theatre, one-and-a-half blocks North of Melrose, at 722 N. La Cienega. Tickets are $20 (previews on 6/1 and 2 only - $15 ) and can be ordered at TipsMcC@Yahoo.com or by calling 310 41-TULIS. I was also asked to direct the Antaeus' Company's NoHo Arts Festival play this year, assisted by the loverly Melinda Peterson. It's a one act written in 1720 by Marivaux -- enjoying a long run -- entitled "Robin, Polished by Love" which I workshopped before touring with Firesign, and will be presented on Saturday, June 12 @ 12:30 and again on Sunday, June 13 @ 5:00 at the tented outdoor festival stage near Lankershim. It's free! The cast, in order of appearance (and disappearance) includes fellow Anteans Alicia Wollerton, Janellen Steininger, Anna Mathias, Jonathan Nichols, Marcelo Tubert, Emily Chase, and un-Antean, Paul Willson. If you want to laugh your tights off, be there. Did I say it's free?
"I broke even! Thank God! I really needed the money." -- Late "Lollypop kid" Jerry Merrin, at the racetrack.
JUST ASKING A question for Jon Lovitz, whose national Yellow pages ads are a hoot: "The first word in any Yellow Pages listings is -- what?" The answer? "ABORTIONS." Check it out!
"On Rockie and Bullwinkle, we offended everybody -- but in a nice way." - June "Rocky" Foray at the Luna Park "R&B Movie" wrap party.
FUNNY NAMES CLUB OF BRASIL? In an article in the L.A. TIMES by Sebastian Rotella, 5/17/99, concerning strange names in Brasil, I hereby nominate the following to be added as honorary members of the FNC International: Xerox, Skylab, Nausea, Colapso Cardiaco, Concetta Trombetta Diletta, Marafona ("prostitute"), Onurb Bruno, Antonio Treze de Junio de
Mil Novecentos e Dezesette ("June 13, 1917") and -- Tchaikowsky Johannsen Adler Pryce Jackman Faier Ludwin Zolman Hunter Lins. Nonetheless, Rotella points out that since state laws ostensibly
prohibit names "that could expose children to ridicule," a carpenter in the town of Salvador was forbidden from naming his son "Rambo", or even the mother's compromise, "Sylvester Stallone". "The defiant father told reporters that he would inscribe his son in another city, declaring: 'He's my son, and I'll name him anyything I want.'" And less we feel too superior, a recent caption under a picture from the Associated Press reads, "Five-year-old Tommy Bubonic looks at flowers placed where the driver of a big Cadillac intentionally plowed into the playground of a day care center..." He's my son, damn it!
POOR BOY! One day, a wealthy family man took his son on a trip to the country so he could see how poor country people were. They stayed a day and a night in a very humble farm house. Once back home, the father asked the son: What did you think of the trip? Very nice, Dad. Did you noticed how
poor they were? Yes, Dad. And what did you learn? The boy thought for a moment and then said, "I learned that we have one dog in the house and they have four. We have a fountain in the garden and they have a stream with no end. We have imported lamps in the garden; they have the stars. Our garden goes to the edge of our property and they have the entire horizon as their backyard. Thank you, Dad, for showing me how poor we really are."
"When asked what made him happy, George Burns replied, "A good cigar, a good meal... and a good woman -- or a bad woman. It depends on how much happiness you can handle." -- Charles Gouaux in The Journal of Psychohistory, Spring 1999
IS IT HOT IN HERE, OR IS IT JUST ME? A man who worked for a fire station came home from work one day and told his wife, "You know, we have a wonderful system at the fire station. Bell 1 rings and we all put on our jackets. Bell 2 rings and we all slide down the pole. Bell 3 rings and we're ready to go on the trucks. So from now on we're going to run this house the same way. When I say Bell 1, I want you to strip naked. When I say Bell 2, I want you to jump into bed, and when I say Bell 3, we're going to make love all night." The next night he came home from work and yelled "Bell 1" and his wife took off her clothes. He then yelled "Bell 2" and his wife jumped
into bed. Then he yelled "Bell 3" and they began to make love. After 2 minutes, his wife yelled "Bell 4!" The husband said, "What's this Bell
4???" And the wife replied "More Hose!!!"
"Too many balls. Not enough life." -- Juggler-mathematician Ronald Graham, quoted in the L.A. Times "Science File" by writer K.C. Cole (5/20/99)
SIGNS OF THE THAMES "Quicksand! Any person passing this point will be drowned by order of the district council! The farmer allows walkers to cross the field for free, but the bull charges! Beware! I shoot every tenth trespasser, and
the ninth one has just left." "Due to increasing problems with litter, louts and vandals we must ask anyone with relatives buried in the graveyard to do their best to keep them in order. For anyone who has children and doesn't know it, there is a day care on the first floor.
"There's a nice saying: I'd give my right arm to be ambidextrous." --
Graham again (ibid)
BUT WHAT DO THE PEOPLE SAY? Public reactions to "$tar War$, the Phantom Menace" from the L.A. Times: "This is not about Christianity. This is not about Hinduism. This is about something else." (Gary Copeland, Fountain Valley) "Obi-Wan taught us about life, man." (Houston's Tom Sheene) "It's like God has smiled on us. . . It's something people relate to more than Daniel and the Lion's Den and that type of stuff." (Mike Jacobs of Toronto)
"Feel, don't think." -- Liam Neesom as the Jedi.
OBIT WAN Offstage at last -- veteran character actor Henry Jones, who's career scanned a half a century; and whom I saw "live" in the "Bad Seed" on Broadway. I'll never forget his "prolonged final syllables,[and] sleepy
eyes" (as he was described in the L.A. Times obituary). And also from the same paper, a story from Belgrade: "Dojcin Brankovic died in 1991, and the stone erected then had a
place for his widow, Zlatinka, with her name and birth year, 1917, already etched. She died from a bomb that missed the telephone exchange, her family grave site broken by the bomb that missed the fuel depot." And finally, a belated adios to the immortal Senor Wences, who when asked about death said, "It's easy. It's difficult."
"A day without sunshine is like night."
+++++++++++(5/26/99)++++++++++ * FIRESIGN SITE: www.firesigntheatre.com * FIRESIGN PRODUCT: www.lodestone-media.com * FUNNY TIMES: www.funnytimes.com
PLANET PROCTOR (C) 1999 by Phil Proctor
parlor.htm
Subject: New Nova discoverd, Net2Phone, Dammapada/Mind Date: Mon, 24 May 1999 09:34:50 -0700 From: Magic Mike B <mmb Organization: Magic Jokes, Photos, Art, & Recipes http://funandmagic.com/ To: you
Hi, The was a NEW Nova discovered Saturday! Put it on your desktop. http://funandmagic.com/photolinks1.htm . I have Net2Phone available on my Phone site. If you are in the U.S., call any phone in the U.S. from your computer for 4.9 cents a minute. If you have friends in China, Russia, or other countries, they can U.S.on Net2Phone for about 10 cents a minute instead of $1+ per minute! I also have a 5 cent/minute phone card available. http://ld.net/?phon4less Have a magic day and pass it on! Magic Mike parlor.htm
Two Scottish nuns have just arrived in USA by boat and one says to the other, "I hear that the people of this country actually eat dogs."
Odd," her companion replies, "but if we shall live in America, we might as well do as the Americans do."
Nodding emphatically, the mother superior points to a hot dog vendor and they both walk towards the cart. "Two dogs, please," says one.
The vendor is only too pleased to oblige, wraps both hot dogs in foil and hands them over the counter. Excited, the nuns hurry to a bench and begin to unwrap their 'dogs.'
The mother superior is first to open hers. She begins to blush and, then, staring at it for a moment, leans to the other nun and whispers cautiously, "What part did you get?"
-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=
-=-=
There was a job opening in the country's most prestigious law firm and it finally comes down to Robert and Paul.
Both graduated magna cum laude from law school. Both come from good families. Both are equally attractive and well spoken. It's up to the senior partner to choose one, so he takes each aside and asks, "Why did you become a lawyer?" In seconds, he chooses Paul.
Baffled, Robert takes Paul aside. "I don't understand why I was rejected. When Mr. Armstrong asked me why I became a lawyer, I said that I had the greatest respect for the law, that I'd lay down my life for the Constitution and that all I wanted was to do right by my clients. What in the world did you tell him?"
"I said I became a lawyer because of my hands," Robert replies.
"Your hands? What do you mean?"
"Well, I took a look one day and there wasn't any money in either of them!"
=========================
A blonde gets an opportunity to fly to a nearby country. She has never been on an airplane anywhere and was very excited and tense. As soon as she boarded the plane, a Boeing747, she started jumping in excitement, running over seat to seat and starts shouting,
"BOEING! BOEING!! BOEING!!! BO....."
She sort of forgets where she is, even the pilot in the cock-pit hears the noise. Annoyed by the goings on, the Pilot comes out and shouts "BE!!... SILENT!!!!..."
There was pin-drop silence everywhere and everybody is looking at the blonde and the angry Pilot. She stared at the pilot in silence for a moment, concentrated really hard, and all of a sudden started shouting,
"OEING! OEING! OEING! OE...
-=-=--=-=-=-=-=-=-
On some air bases the Air Force is on one side of the field and civilian aircraft use the other side of the field, with the control tower in the middle. One day the tower received a call from an aircraft asking, "What time is it?"
The tower responded, "Who is calling?"
The aircraft replied, "What difference does it make?"
The tower replied "It makes a lot of difference. If it is an American Airlines Flight, it is 3 o'clock. If it is an Air Force, it is 1500 hours. If it is a Navy aircraft, it is 6 bells. If it is an Army aircraft, the big hand is on the 12 and the little hand is on the 3. If it is a Marine Corps aircraft, it's Thursday afternoon."
-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=
-=-
The Dhammapada
III The Mind
v33 As the bowman makes straight his arrows, so the wise one straightens his or her unsteady mind.
v34 This mind is like a fish out of water which thrashes and throws itself about, when thoughts try to shake off their cravings.
v35 Such a wandering mind is weak and unsteady, attracted here, there and everywhere. How good it is to control it and know the happiness of freedom.
v36 And yet how unruly still, how subtle the delusion of the thoughts. To quiet them and master them is the true way to happiness.
v37 Putting a bridle on the wandering mind, single-mindedly the seeker halts his or her thoughts. They end the mind's darting waywardness and find peace.
v38 A troubled mind, however, does not see the way. If a person is ignorant and filled with doubt, he or she can never find the true path.
v39 But a concentrated mind, untroubled and calm, no longer struggling to judge between right and wrong but beyond judgments has no fear, for it understands.
v40 The seeker knows that the body is as fragile as a jar. By making the mind as firm as a fortress, wisdom and understanding will fight for him in every trial, guarding all that has been won.
v41 For soon the body will be cast aside and what will be its consciousness then? It will lie on the ground like a useless log of wood, without knowledge or feeling.
v42 Whatever an enemy may do, he cannot harm you as much as your own wrongly directed thoughts.
v43 But once you understand, no one -- neither your father nor mother -- can do as much good to you as your own well-directed thoughts.
(Thus ends the chapter, The Mind)
http://funandmagic.com/
Subject: Watchfulness, God Billboards Date: Sun, 23 May 1999 12:10:18 -0700 From: Magic Mike B <mmb Organization: Magic Jokes, Photos, Art, & Recipes http://funandmagic.com/ To: you
Hi, Today's wallpaper link is Crossing Lake Powell. http://funandmagic.com/photolinks1.htm . Enjoy the Billboards From God. Have a magic day and pass it on. Magic Mike http://funandmagic.com/ The Dhammapada
II Watchfulness
v21 Watchfulness is the path to life, and thoughtlessness the path to death. The watchful are alive, but the thoughtless are already like the dead.
v22 Awake, and rejoice in watchfulness. Understand the wisdom of the enlightened.
v23 Meditate, and in your wisdom realize Nirvana, the highest happiness.
v24 A kindly person who is energetic for good will be looked upon well by everybody.
v25 By watching keenly and working hard the wise one may build an island which no flood can sweep away.
v26 The thoughtless one does not care, but the attentive one looks on wakefulness as the greatest treasure.
v27 Stay awake. Watch and reflect. Work with careful attention. In this way you will find the light within yourself.
v28 Such a person is one who is one who has overcome craving and exchanged the folly of delusion for the stronghold of wisdom. That person looks down upon the suffering and the ignorant, on the delinquent and the foolish, and sees that they live close to the ground.
v29 Watchful among the thoughtless, awake among the sleepers, the meditating person advances like a racer, without hindrance.
v30 By attentiveness Indra became chief of the gods. He found the joy of attention and the foolishness of sleep.
v31 Seekers who guard their thoughts and fear the willfulness of their mind, burn through the bonds which tie them with the fire of their attentiveness.
v32 Seekers who guard their thoughts and fear their own delusions can never fall. They then know the way to bliss.
(Thus ends the chapter, Watchfulness)
-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-==
GOD BILLBOARDS What part of "Thou Shalt NotS" didn't you understand? - GOD
"Let's meet at my house Sunday before the game" - GOD
"Keep using my name in vain and I'll make rush hour longer"- GOD
"Loved the wedding. Why don't you invite me to the marriage?" - God
"I don't question your existence" - GOD
We need to talk...God
-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=
-=-
JESUS HEALS
The bartender was washing his glasses, and an elderly Irishman came in and, with great difficulty, hoisted his bad leg over the barstool, pulled himself up painfully, and asked for a sip of Irish whiskey. The Irishman looked down the bar and said, "Is that Jesus down there?" The bartender nodded, and the Irishman told him to give Jesus an Irish whiskey also.
The next patron was an ailing Italian with a hunched back and slowness of movement. He shuffled up to the barstool and asked for a glass of chianti. He also looked down the bar and asked if that was Jesus sitting down there. The bartender nodded, and the Italian said to give Him a glass of chianti, also.
The third patron, a redneck, swaggered in dragging his knuckles on the floor and hollered, "Barkeep, set me up a cold one. Hey, is that God's Boy down there?" The barkeep nodded, and the redneck told him to give Jesus a cold one, too.
As Jesus got up to leave, he walked over to the Irishman and touched him and said, "For your kindness, you are healed!" The Irishman felt the strength come back to his leg, and he got up and danced a jig out the door. Jesus touched the Italian and said, "For your kindness, you are healed!" The Italian felt his back straighten, and he raised his hands above his head and did a flip out the door.
Jesus walked toward the redneck, and the redneck jumped back and exclaimed, "Don't touch me, I'm drawing disability!"
-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-
A law in Helena, Montana, mandates that a woman can't dance on a table in a saloon or bar unless she has on at least three pounds, two ounces of clothing.
A state law in Illinois mandates that all bachelors should be called master, not mister, when addressed by their female counterparts.
An excerpt from brilliant Kentucky state legislation. "No female shall appear in a bathing suit on any highway within this state unless she be escorted by at least two officers or unless she be armed with a club". An important amendment however is to be considered here: "The provisions of this statuate shall not apply to females weighing less than 90 pounds nor exceeding 200 pounds, nor shall it apply to male horses."
In Kingsville, Texas there is a law against two pigs having sex on the city's airport property.
Any couple making out inside a vehicle, and accidentally sounding the horn during their lustful act, may be taken to jail according to a Liberty Corner, New Jersey law.
In Los Angeles, California, a man is legally entitled to beat his wife with a leather belt or strap, but the belt can't be wider than 2 inches, unless he has his wife's consent to beat her with a wider strap. Consent should be given prior to the event, as is carefully stipulated.
In Merryville, Missouri, women are prohibited from wearing corsets because "The privilege of admiring the curvaceous, unencumbered body of a young woman should not be denied to the normal, red-blooded American male."
-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=
-=
Two Kentucky hillbillies happened to meet in town. "How're thangs with y'all, Pete?" one asked. "Not bad atall," Pete replied. "My old woman ain't talkin' to me thiseyer week...and I ain't in no mood to interrupt her."
-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=
-=-=
DID YOU KNOW.....
Stewardesses and reverberated are the two longest words (12 letters each) that can be typed using only the left hand.
Alaska could hold the 21 smallest States
Before Prohibition, Shlitz Brewery owned more property in Chicago than anyone else, except The Catholic Church.
If you put a raisin in a glass of champagne, it will keep floating to the top and sinking to the bottom.
Kermit the Frog is left-handed.
Pamela Anderson Lee is Canada's Centennial Baby, being the first baby born on the centennial anniversary of Canada's Independence.
Non-dairy creamer is flammable.
The car in the foreground on the back of a $10 bill is a 1925 Hupmobile.
Subject: Hall Crossing, Search for Merlin, Amazing Tree Horoscope, The Dhammapada Beginning. Date: Sat, 22 May 1999 10:36:08 -0700 From: Magic Mike B <mmb Organization: Magic Jokes, Photos, Art, & Recipes http://funandmagic.com/ To: you
Hi, It's a Quiet Morning At Hall's Crossing, on Lake Powell. Gene Mezereny got there first this morning and took this fun shot from the brow of his boat. http://funandmagic.com/photolinks1.htm . I have received the back verses of the The Dhammapada so here is Chapter One on the choices we make in thinking. The other day I forwarded to you a warning about Blenders, Frogs and Fish. Ken Babbs, my Merry Prankster friend, forwards this along.
-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-
Subject: Re: Another virus alert, Date: Thu, 20 May 1999 14:11:14 -0700 From: kenk@efn.org (Ken Babbs) To: Magic Mike B <mmb
these files are not necessarily virus files (I have one version of the BLENDER.EXE that is not infected with a virus). We did have a report
that someone had a version of that file that HAD got infected with an older virus, but if you have updated virus software it will detect it no problem.
pat mackey, Symantec
Look at our websites for the latest news! You will be tested. http://www.intrepidtrips.com _ FURTHER _ http://www.wheresmerlin.com -=-=--=-=-=-=- It seems my buddies, Ken Kesey and Babbs have decided to find the "Holy Grail" of magic, none other than Merlin the Magician, himself. As you know, legend has it that Merlin is still trapped in a magical prison for eternity. That would mean he his STILL around and more preserved than a Hostess Twinkie. They AND the BUS, "Further" are headed for England. Would you like to go with them? All you have to do is guess the weight of the bus when it is loaded on the boat for shipping, and you're ON THE BUS! (As opposed to being off the bus. There is a theory in physics that you are either on or off the bus. Ask Einstein-Schroedinger's cat about it the next time you take the Electric Acid Cool Aid Test.) Below is a horoscope for you, that grows on trees! I think mine and my girlfriend's are so close to our personality it's amazing! What kind of tree are you!? Check other people you know. Hey! Send jokes and "stuff". Have a magic day and pass it on. Magic Mike parlor.htm
What is 8 straight days of oral sex? Hanukkah Lewinsky.
-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=
Mr. Jones, who had been away on an extended trip, had very romantic plans for his first night home. He said them to his wife, who promptly said, "Oh, I'm sorry, dear, but I've got to do all of this laundry. Another time, please."
The next night Jones tried again, and his wife said, "Oh my, I would like to dear, but it wouldn't be any good. I've got this terrible headache. Please give me a rain check."
By the third night, Jones was rather impatient.
"How about it?" he said urgently.
Mrs. Jones snapped back, "This is the third night in a row you've asked. What are you? Some kind of a sex maniac?"
-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-
Sarcastic remarks to get you through the day:
1. And your crybaby whiny-assed opinion would be...?
2. Do I look like a fucking people person?
3. This isn't an office. It's Hell with fluorescent lighting.
4. I started out with nothing & still have most of it left.
5. I pretend to work. They pretend to pay me.
6. Sarcasm is just one more service we offer.
7. If I throw a stick, will you leave?
8. You!... Off my planet!
9. If I want to hear the pitter patter of little feet, I'll put shoes on my cats.
10. Does your train of thought have a caboose?
11. The Bible was written by the same people who said the Earth was flat.
12. Did the aliens forget to remove your anal probe?
13. Errors have been made. Others will be blamed.
14. A hard-on doesn't count as personal growth.
15. A PBS mind in an MTV world.
16. Allow me to introduce my selves.
17. Whatever kind of look you were going for, you missed.
18. Suburbia: where they tear out the trees & then name streets after them.
19. Well, this day was a total waste of makeup.
20. See no evil, hear no evil, date no evil.
21. Are those your eyeballs? I found them in my cleavage.
22. I'm not your type. I'm not inflatable.
23. I have a computer, a vibrator, & pizza delivery. Why should I leave the house?
24. Not all men are annoying. Some are dead.
25. Did I mention the kick in the groin you'll be receiving if you touch me?
26. It ain't the size, it's... no, it's the size.
27. A woman's favorite position is CEO.
28. I'm trying to imagine you with a personality.
29. A cubicle is just a padded cell without a door.
30. Stress is when you wake up screaming & you realize you haven't fallen asleep yet.
31. Can I trade this job for what's behind door 1?
32. I thought I wanted a career, turns out I just wanted paychecks.
33. Okay, okay, I take it back! UnFuck you!
34. Too many freaks, not enough circuses.
35. Macho Law prohibits me from admitting I'm wrong.
36. Nice perfume. Must you marinate in it?
37. Chaos, panic, & disorder - my work here is done.
38. I plead contemporary insanity.
39. And which dwarf are you?
40. How do I set a laser printer to stun?
41. Meandering to a different drummer.
42. I majored in liberal arts. Will that be for here or to go? -=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-= Which tree does your birthday fall under?
December 23 to January 1 ............ Apple Tree January 2 to January 11 ............... Fir Tree January 12 to January 24 ............. Elm Tree January 25 to February 3 ............. Cypress Tree February 4 to February 8 ............. Poplar Tree February 9 to February 18 ........... Cedar Tree February 19 to February 28 ......... Pine Tree March 1 to March 10 .................. Weeping Willow Tree March 11 to March 20 ................ Lime Tree March 21 .................................. Oak Tree March 22 to March 31 ................ Hazelnut Tree April 1 to April 10 ....................... Rowan Tree April 11 to April 20 ..................... Maple Tree April 21 to April 30 ..................... Walnut Tree May 1 to May 14 ....................... Poplar Tree May 15 to May 24 ..................... Chestnut Tree May 25 to June 3 ....................... Ash Tree June 4 to June 13 ...................... Hornbeam Tree June 14 to June 23 .................... Fig Tree June 24 .................................... Birch Tree June 25 to July 4 ...................... Apple Tree July 5 to July 14 ....................... Fir Tree July 15 to July 25 ..................... Elm Tree July 26 to August 4 .................. Cypress Tree August 5 to August 13 ............... Poplar Tree August 14 to August 23 .............. Cedar Tree August 24 to September 2 ............ Pine Tree September 3 to September 12 ......... Weeping Willow Tree September 13 to September 22 ........ Lime Tree September 23 ................................. Olive Tree September 24 to October 3 .............. Hazelnut Tree October 4 to October 13 .................. Rowan Tree October 14 to October 23 ................ Maple Tree October 24 to November 11 ............. Walnut Tree November 12 to November 21 .......... Chestnut Tree November 22 to December 1 ............ Ash Tree December 2 to December 11 ........... Hornbeam Tree December 12 to December 21 .......... Fig Tree December 22 .................................. Beech Tree
Apple Tree, the Love.
Of slight build, lots of charm, appeal and attraction, pleasant aura, flirtatious, adventurous, sensitive, always in love, wants to love and be loved, faithful and tender partner, very generous, scientific talents, lives for today, a carefree philosopher with imagination
Fir Tree, the Mysterious.
Extraordinary taste, dignity, cultivated airs, loves anything beautiful, moody, stubborn, tends to egoism but cares for those close to it, rather modest, very ambitious, talented, industrious uncontented lover, many friends, many foes, very reliable.
Elm Tree, the Noble Mindedness
Pleasant shape, tasteful clothes, modest demands, tends to not forgive mistakes, cheerful, likes to lead but not to obey, honest and faithful partner, tends to a know-all-attitude and making decisions for others, noble minded, generous, good sense of humor, practical.
Cypress Tree, the Faithfulness
Strong, muscular, adaptable, takes what life has to give, happy content, optimistic, needs enough money and acknowledgment, hates, loneliness, passionate lover which cannot be satisfied, faithful, quick-tempered, unruly, pedantic and careless.
Poplar Tree, the Uncertainty
Looks very decorative, no self-confident behavior, only courageous if necessary, needs goodwill and pleasant surroundings, very choosy, often lonely, great animosity, artistic nature, good organizer, tends to philosophy, reliable in any situation, takes partnership serious.
Cedar Tree, the Confidence
Of rare beauty, knows how to adapt, likes luxury, of good health not in the least shy, tends to look down on others, self-confident, determined, impatient, wants to impress others, many talents, industrious, healthy optimism, waiting for the one true love, able to make quick decisions.
Pine Tree, the Particularity
Loves agreeable company, very robust, knows how to make life comfortable, very active, natural, good companion, but seldom friendly, falls easily in love but its passion burns out quickly, gives up easily, many disappointments till it finds its ideal, trustworthy, practical.
Weeping Willow, the Melancholy
Beautiful but full of melancholy, attractive, very empathic, loves anything beautiful and tasteful, loves to travel, dreamer, restless, capricious, honest, can be influenced but is not easy to live with, demanding, good intuition, suffers in love but finds sometimes an anchoring partner.
Lime Tree, the Doubt
Accepts what life dishes out in a composed way, hates fighting, stress and labor, tends to laziness and idleness, soft and relenting, makes sacrifices for friends, many talents but not tenacious enough to make them blossom, often wailing and complaining, very jealous, loyal.
Hazelnut Tree, the Extraordinary
Charming, undemanding, very understanding, knows how to make an impression, active fighter for social cause, popular, moody and capricious lover, honest and tolerant partner, precise sense of judgment.
Rowan, the Sensitivity
Full of charm, cheerful, gifted, without egoism, likes to draw attention, loves life, motion, unrest and even complications, is both dependent and independent, good taste, artistic, passionate, emotional, good company, does not forgive.
Maple, Independence of Mind
No ordinary person, full imagination and originality, shy and reserved, ambitious, proud, self-respect, hungers for new experiences, sometimes nervous, many complexes, good memory, learns easily, complicated love life, wants to impress.
Walnut Tree, the Passion
Unrelenting, strange and full of contrasts, often egoistic, aggressive, noble, broad horizon, unexpected reactions, spontaneous, unlimited ambition, no flexibility, difficult and uncommon partner, not always liked but often admired, ingenious strategist, very jealous and passionate, no compromises.
Chestnut Tree, the Honesty
Of unusual beauty, does not want to impress, well developed sense of justice, vivacious, interested, a born diplomat, but irritate and sensitive in company, often due to a lack of self-confidence, acts sometimes superior, feels not understood loves only once, has difficulties in finding a partner.
Ash Tree, the Ambition
Uncommonly attractive, vivacious, impulsive, demanding, does not care for criticism, ambitious, intelligent, talented, likes to play with its fate, can be egoistic, very reliable and trust- worthy, faithful and prudent lover, sometimes brains rule over heart, but takes partnership very serious.
Hornbeam, the good taste
Of cool beauty, cares for its looks and condition, good taste, tends to egoism, makes life as comfortable as possible, leads reasonable, disciplined life, looks for kindness, an emotional partner and acknowledgment, dreams of unusual lovers, is seldom happy with her feelings, mistrusts most people, is never sure of its decisions, very conscientious.
Fig Tree, the Sensibility
Very strong, a bit self-willed, independent, does not allow contradiction or arguments, loves life, its family, children and animals, a bit of a butterfly, good sense of humor, likes idleness and laziness, of practical talent and intelligence.
Oak, robust nature
Courageous, strong, unrelenting, independent, sensible, does not love changes, keeps its feet on the ground, person of action.
Birch, the Inspiration
Vivacious, attractive, elegant, friendly, unpretentious, modest, does not like anything in excess, abhors the vulgar, loves life in nature and
in calm, not very passionate, full of imagination, little ambition, creates a calm and content atmosphere.
Olive Tree, the Wisdom
Loves sun, warmth and kind feelings, reasonable, balanced, avoids aggression and violence, tolerant, cheerful, calm, well developed sense of justice, sensitive, empathic, free of jealousy, loves to read and the
company of sophisticated people.
Beech, the Creative
Has good taste, concerned about its looks, materialist, good organization of life and career, economical, good leader, takes no unnecessary risks, reasonable, splendid lifetime companion, keen on keeping fit (diets, sports, etc.)
-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=
-=-=-=-=-=
The Dhammapada
I The Choice
v1 All that we are is the result of out thoughts; it is founded on our thoughts and made up of our thoughts. With our thoughts we make up the world. If a person speaks or acts with a harmful thought, trouble follows him or her as the wheel follows the ox that draws the cart.
v2 All that we are is the result of our thoughts; it is founded on our thoughts and made up of our thoughts. With our thoughts we make the world. If a person speaks or acts with a harmonious thought happiness follows him or her as a shadow, never leaving.
v3 "He beat me, he robbed me. Look at how he abused and injured me." Live with those thoughts and you will never stop hating.
v4 "He beat me, he robbed me. Look at how he abused and injured me." Abandon such thoughts and your hatred and suffering will cease.
v5 Hating can never overcome hatred. Only love can bring the end of hating. This is the eternal law.
v6 You too will die one day, as everyone must. When you know this, your hatred is stilled.
v7 As the wind blows down a shallow rooted tree, so temptation overcomes the one who longs for pleasure, who is excessive, idle and weak.
v8 As the wind can never blow down a mountain, so temptation does not overcome the one who puts away pleasure, who is moderate, faithful and strong.
v9 The one who is careless, who does not bother with moderation or truth, is not worthy to be a follower of the path.
v10 But the one who minds about his or her conduct, who has purified the self and is calm, moderate and truthful, that one is worthy to be a follower of the path.
v11 Those who mistake the appearance for the reality, the shadow for the substance and the true for the false, fill themselves with desires.
v12 But when you see the substance as the substance and the shadow as the shadow you see Reality directly, and follow your true nature.
v13 An easily swayed mind has no strength. Like the rain pouring into a badly roofed house, desires flood the person.
v14 Craving cannot break into a strong and understanding mind, just as the rain does not break into a well- thatched house.
v15 Whoever does harm will suffer in this world and the next. They will suffer when they see the results of their mischief.
v16 But the good will rejoice here and rejoice there when they see the good things they have done. They are happy to follow the path onwards.
v17 The one who does harm suffers both in this world and the next. He or she suffers upon thinking about what has been done and suffers more upon wondering what will happen to them.
v18 The one who does good is happy both in this world and the next. He or she is happy upon thinking about the good they have done and happier still when contemplating the path ahead.
v19 The one who talks of the path but never walks it is like a cowman counting the cattle of others but who has none of his own.
v20 All the holy words you read and all the holy words you speak are as nothing if you do not act upon them. Even if you read little and say little but live the right way, forsaking craving, hatred and delusion, you will know truth and find calmness and will show others the path.
(Thus ends chapter I, The Choice)
Hope you enjoyed all. -mm http://funandmagic.com/
Subject: Another virus alert, Whaweep at dusk, The Sage, Love rescued Date: Thu, 20 May 1999 10:32:43 -0700 From: Magic Mike B <mmb Organization: Magic Jokes, Photos, Art, & Recipes http://funandmagic.com/ To: you
Never raise your hands to your kids. It leaves your groin unprotected. -- Red Buttons
Hi, Today's wallpaper photo is Lake Powell's Whaweep Marina Panorama at dusk, http://funandmagic.com/photolinks1.htm . It is real nice! I didn't send the joke mentioned below in a virus alert. I, of course, scan everything coming in, and no longer send ANY attachments, so don't worry here. Another great long distance phone carrier is available on my phone page for 6.9 cents a minute with seconds billing. http://funandmagic.com/mmmoney.htm . And the rates to other countries is incredible. BTW, if you sign up for cheap long distance, BY SURE to tell your local company you want to use that carrier for your LOCAL instate calls, also. Here we pay 15 cents/minute rounded to the minute, but I pay 8.5 cents a minute with seconds increments! What a difference! Have a magic day and pass it on. Magic Mike parlor.htm
-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=
-=-=-=-=-=-=
If U have received the joke regarding the frog being splattered in a blender and the fish, they may both contain viruses set to execute on the 28th of May and if you still have them on your hard drive, pls delete them a.s.a.p. The programs were called blender.exe and fish.exe or att1.exe or stressre.exe They are "time-bomb".
-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=
-=-=
The Dhammapada
VII The Sage
v96 Still and calm are they who have awakened. Their minds are peaceful and their words and deeds reflect this.
v97 He or she is the greatest of persons who is not credulous, knows the reality of Nirvana, has gone beyond birth and death, and broken every bond.
v98 In village or forest, on the hills or in the plain, wherever the awakened ones live is delightful.
v99 Delightful are those forests where the worldly fail to find delight. There the awakened ones are joyful, wanting nothing.
(Thus ends the chapter, The Sage)
-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=
-=
Once upon a time, there was an island where all the feelings lived; Happiness, Sadness, Knowledge, and all of the others, including Love. One day it was announced to the feelings that the island would sink, so they all repaired their boats and left. Love was the only one who stayed. Love wanted to persevere until the last possible moment. When the island was almost sinking, Love decided to ask for help. Richness was passing by Love in a grand boat. Love said,"Richness, can you take me with you?" Richness answered, "No, I can't. There is a lot of gold and silver in my boat. There is no place here for you." Love decided to ask Vanity who was also passing by in a beautiful vessel, "Vanity, please help me!" "I can't help you Love. You are all wet and might damage my boat." Vanity said. Sadness was close by, so Love asked for help. "Sadness, let me go with you." "Oh...Love, I am so sad that I need to be by myself!" Happiness passed by Love too, but she was so happy that she did not even hear when Love called her! Suddenly, there was a voice, "Come Love, I will take you." It was an elder. Love felt so blessed and overjoyed that he even forgot to ask the elder her name. When they arrived on dry land, the elder went her own way. Love realizing how much he owed the elder asked Knowledge, another elder, "Who helped me?" "It was Time," Knowledge answered. "Time?" asked Love. "But why did Time help me?" Knowledge smiled with deep Wisdom and answered, "Because only Time is capable of understanding how great Love is.
-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=
-==
Just saw a report on TV, they have finally released the ingredients in Viagra. 2% aspirin, 2% ibupropin, 1% filler, and 95% "Fix a Flat"
-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=
-=-=-=
Three elderly ladies are sitting on a park bench. A flasher stands in front of them and opens his coat exposing his naked body.
The first elderly lady had a stroke. The second elderly lady had a stroke.
But the third elderly lady couldn't quite reach.
-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=
-=-=
My friend likes to read his two young sons fairy tales at night. Having a deep-rooted sense of humor, he often ad-libs parts of the stories for fun.
One day his youngest son was sitting in his first grade class as the teacher was reading the story of the Three Little Pigs.
She came to the part of the story where the first pig was trying to acquire building materials for his home. She said "...And so the pig went up to the man with a wheelbarrow full of straw and said "Pardon me sir, but might I have some of that straw to build my house with?"
Then the teacher asked the class "And what do you think that man said?" and my friend's son raised his hand and said "I know! I know! He said 'Holy Shit!! A talking pig!'"
The teacher was unable to teach for the next 10 minutes.
-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=
-=
Ten Simple Rules for Dating My Daughter
Rule One: If you pull into my driveway and honk you'd better be delivering a package, because you're sure not picking anything up.
Rule Two: You do not touch my daughter in front of me. You may glance at her, so long as you do not peer at anything below her neck. If you cannot keep your eyes or hands off of my daughter's body, I will remove them.
Rule Three: I am aware that it is considered fashionable for boys of your age to wear their trousers so loosely that they appear to be falling off their
hips. Please don't take this as an insult, but you and all of your friends are complete idiots. Still, I want to be fair and open minded about this issue, so I propose this compromise: You may come to the door with your
underwear showing and your pants ten sizes too big, and I will not object. However, in order to ensure that your clothes do not, in fact,
come off during the course of your date with my daughter, I will take my electric nail gun and fasten your trousers securely in place to your waist.
Rule Four: I'm sure you've been told that in today's world, sex without utilizing a "barrier method" of some kind can kill you. Let me elaborate, when it comes to sex, I am the barrier, and I will kill you.
Rule Five: It is usually understood that in order for us to get to know each other, we should talk about sports, politics, and other issues of the day. Please do not do this. The only information I require from you is an indication of when you expect to have my daughter safely back at my house, and the only word I need from you on this subject is "early."
Rule Six: I have no doubt you are a popular fellow, with many opportunities to date other girls. This is fine with me as long as it is okay with my daughter. Otherwise, once you have gone out with my little girl, you will continue to date no one but her until she is finished with you. If you make her cry, I will make you cry.
Rule Seven: As you stand in my front hallway, waiting for my daughter to appear, and more than an hour goes by, do not sigh and fidget. If you want to be on time for the movie, you should not be dating. My daughter is putting on her makeup, a process that can take longer than painting the Golden Gate Bridge. Instead of just standing there, why don't you do something useful, like changing the oil in my car?
Rule Eight: The following places are not appropriate for a date with my daughter: Places where there are beds, sofas, or anything softer than a wooden stool. Places where there are no parents, policemen, or nuns within eyesight. Places where there is darkness. Places where there is dancing, holding hands, or happiness. Places where the ambient temperature is warm enough to induce my daughter to wear shorts, tank tops, midriff T-shirts, or anything other than overalls, a sweater, and
a goose down parka - zipped up to her throat. Movies with a strong romantic or sexual theme are to be avoided; movies which features chain saws are okay. Hockey games are okay. Old folks homes are better.
Rule Nine: Do not lie to me. I may appear to be a potbellied, balding, middle-aged, dimwitted has-been. But on issues relating to my daughter, I am the all-knowing, merciless god of your universe. If I ask you where you are
going and with whom, you have one chance to tell me the truth, the whole truth and nothing but the truth. I have a shotgun, a shovel, and
five acres behind the house. Do not trifle with me.
Rule Ten: Be afraid. Be very afraid. It takes very little for me to mistake the
sound of your car in the driveway for a chopper coming in over a rice paddy near Hanoi. When my Agent Orange starts acting up, the voices in my head frequently tell me to clean the guns as I wait for you to bring my
daughter home. As soon as you pull into the driveway you should exit your car with both hands in plain sight. Speak the perimeter password, announce in a clear voice that you have brought my daughter home safely and early, then return to your car - there is no need for you to
come inside. The camouflaged face at the window is mine.
Have a magic day! parlor.htm
Subject: Sage, Bathroom, and Time Date: Wed, 19 May 1999 09:02:44 -0700 From: Magic Mike B <mmb Organization: Magic Jokes, Photos, Art, & Recipes http://funandmagic.com/ To: you Hi, Today I have two pics for you, a nice view of the Horsehead Nebula, and Lake Powell. http://funandmagic.com/photolinks1.htm . My replacement filter came today from Multi-pure. I can't tell you enough how nice it is to get good clean water from the tap, that you KNOW have been filtered to a half micron. I figure it cost me under a dollar week for 10 to 14 gallons a week. Six cents sure beats 60 cents to a dollar for questionable water at the store. Email me to order or call me toll free at 888-747-22949. Have a magic day and pass it on. Magic Mike parlor.htm
-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=
-=-=-= The Dhammapada
VII The Sage
v90 There is freedom from desire and sorrow at the end of the way. The awakened person is free from all fetters and goes beyond life and death.
v91 Like a swan that rises from the lake, with his thoughts at peace he moves onward, never looking back.
v92 He or she who understands the unreality of all things, and who has laid up no store, their track is unseen, like that of birds in the air.
v93 Like a bird in the air he or she takes an invisible course, wanting nothing, storing nothing, knowing the emptiness of all things.
v94 Even the gods must admire they who, like a charioteer, has brought his or her horses under control and has put away pride and craving.
v95 Tolerant like the earth, firm as a rock, and clear as a mountain pool, such a person is free from birth and death.
(to be continued) -=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-== WHAT IF TOMORROW NEVER COMES
I have come to realize many things since I connected to the internet. You get to meet people you never would have met any other way :) You get to know these people not by their looks or by their touch, but by their heart and soul. If you would have met many of these people on the street, you may not have given them a second look; or maybe you would have looked at them and said, "Hey, look how fat that person is," or "Hey look, there's a gay person," or the biggest one is, "Hey look, there's a person of color." You would have done this and never have known this person on the inside. This is a sad thing because I was one of those people who may have done that. :( But now I have met many people on the net who have truly touched my heart in many ways. They have made me a much better person:) Wouldn't it be something if the whole world could be touched like this, to get to know each other in ways they would never have thought possible. I know if they did, there would be no wars and no homeless and hungry people. This also goes for people we know -- don't let pride get in the way of love. We have to stop and think how it would be tomorrow if we lost that person and didn't have the chance to say we are sorry. :( So, the next time you pass someone, don't judge them by how they look or how they are acting -- just turn to that person and give them a smile and soon this will catch on and we all will be smiling because if we don't, then
TOMORROW WILL NEVER COME :(
© 1998 Dave Crozier-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=
-=-=-=-=-=-= Bathroom wall wisdom
Friends don't let friends take home ugly men. *Women's restroom, Starboard, Dewey Beach, DE
At the feast of ego, everyone leaves hungry. *Bentley's House of Coffee and Tea, Tucson, Arizona
If voting could really change things, it would be illegal. *Revolution Books. New York, New York
Express Lane: Five beers or less *Sign over one of the urinals, -=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-= A young gay man calls home and tells his Jewish mother that he has decided to go back into the closet because he has met a wonderful girl and they are going to be married. He tells his mother that he is sure she will be happier since he knows that his gay lifestyle has been very disturbing to her. She responds that she is indeed delighted and asks tentatively, "I suppose it would be too much to hope that she would be Jewish?" He tells her that not only is the girl Jewish but from a wealthy Beverly Hills family. She admits she is overwhelmed by the news, and asks, "What is her name?" He answers, "Monica Lewinsky". There is a pause, then his mother asks, "What happened to that nice black boy you were dating last year?" -=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-= HIRE THIS PERSON!?? 1. "I demand a salary commiserate with my extensive experience." 2. "I have lurnt Word Perfect 6.0 computor and spreasheet progroms." 3. "Received a plague for Salesperson of the Year." 4. "Wholly responsible for two (2) failed financial institutions." 5. "Reason for leaving last job: maturity leave." 6. "Failed bar exam with relatively high grades." 7. "It's best for employers that I not work with people." 8. "Let's meet, so you can 'ooh' and 'aah' over my experience." 9. "You will want me to be Head Honcho in no time." 10. "Am a perfectionist and rarely if if ever forget details." 11. "I was working for my mom until she decided to move." 12. "Marital status: single. Unmarried. Unengaged. Uninvolved. No Commitments." 13. "I have an excellent track record, although I am not a horse." 14. "I am loyal to my employer at all costs.... Please feel free to respond to my resume on my office voice mail." 15. "I have become completely paranoid, trusting completely no one and
absolutely nothing." 16. "My goal is to be a meteorologist. But since I possess no training
in meteorology, I suppose I should try stock brokerage." 17. "I procrastinate, especially when the task is unpleasant." 18. "Personal interests: donating blood. Fourteen gallons so far." 19. "As indicted, I have over five years of analyzing investments." 20. "Instrumental in ruining entire operation for a Midwest chain store." 21. "Note: Please don't misconstrue my 14 jobs as 'job-hopping'. I have never quit a job." 22. "Marital status: often. Children: various." 23. "Reason for leaving last job: They insisted that all employees get
to work by 8:45 am every morning. I couldn't work under those conditions." 24. "The company made me a scapegoat, just like my three previous employers." 25. "Finished eighth in my class of ten." 26. "References: none. I've left a path of destruction behind me."-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=
-=-=-=-=-=- 52 Things you didn't need to know.........
1. The venom in a Daddy Long-Legs spider is more poisonous than a Black Widow's or a Brown Recluse, but they cannot bite humans because their jaws won't open wide enough. 2. A pig's orgasm lasts for 30 minutes. 3. On average, people fear spiders more than they do death. 4. The strongest muscle in the body is the tongue. 5. If you toss a penny 10,000 times, it will not be heads 5,000 times, but more like 4950. The heads picture weighs more, so it ends up on the bottom. 6. Only one person in two billion will live to be 116 or older. 7. Mel Blanc (the voice of Bugs Bunny) was allergic to carrots. 8. Humans and Dolphins are the only species that have sex for pleasure. 9. The pop you get when you crack your knuckles is actually a bubble of gas bursting. 10. 101 Dalmatians and Peter Pan (Wendy) are the only two Disney cartoon features with both parents who are present and don't die throughout the movie. 11. The winter of 1932 was so cold that Niagara Falls froze completely solid. 12. There's no Betty Rubble in Flintstones Chewable Vitamins. 13. It's impossible to get water out of a rimless tire. 14. Banging your head against a wall uses 150 calories an hour. 15. Did you know that you are more likely to be killed by a champagne cork than by a poisonous spider? 16. In Minnesota it is illegal to cross state lines with a duck on your head. 17. In Indiana it is illegal to ride public transportation for at least 30 minutes after eating garlic. 18. Right-handed people live, on average, nine years longer than left-handed people do. 19. A crocodile cannot stick its tongue out. 20. Polar bears are left-handed. 21. A cockroach will live nine days without its head before it starves to death. 22. Some lions mate over 50 times a day. 23. The average chocolate bar has 8 insects' legs in it. 24. A rhinoceros horn is made of compacted hair. 25. The shortest war in history was between Zanzibar and England in 1896. 26. Zanzibar surrendered after 38 minutes. 27. A polar bear's skin is black. Its fur is not white, but actually clear. 28. Dueling is legal in Paraguay as long as both parties are registered blood donors. 29. Donald Duck comics were banned in Finland because he doesn't wear pants. 30. More people are killed by donkeys annually than are killed in plane crashes. 31. Stewardesses is the longest word typed with only the left hand. 32. Shakespeare invented the word "assassination" and "bump." 33. Marilyn Monroe had six toes. 34. If you keep a Goldfish in the dark room, it will eventually turn white. 35. Women blink nearly twice as much as men. 36. The sentence "the quick brown fox jumps over the lazy dog" uses every letter in the English language. 37. The name of all the continents end with the same letter that they start with. 38. The word "lethologica" describes the state of not being able to remember the word you want. 39. TYPEWRITER is the longest word that can be made using the letters on only one row of the keyboard. 40. If the population of China walked past you in single file, the line would never end because of the rate of reproduction. 41. A snail can sleep for 3 years. 42. American Airlines saved $40,000 in 1987 by eliminating one olive from each salad served in first-class. 43. China has more English speakers than the United States. 44. The electric chair was invented by a dentist. 45. Vatican City is the smallest country in the world, with a population of 1,000 and a size 108.7 acres. 46. The longest town name in the world has 167 letters. 47. You share your birthday with at least 9 million other people in the world. 48. "I am." is the shortest complete sentence in the English language. 49. The longest word in the English language is 1909 letters long and it refers to a distinct part of DNA. 50. No president of the United States was an only child. 51. The Eisenhower interstate system requires that one-mile in every five must be straight. These straight sections are usable as airstrips in times of war or other emergencies. 52. The average human eats 8 spiders in their lifetime at night.Subject: I didn't die today 19 years anniversary Date: Tue, 18 May 1999 19:25:15 -0700 From: Magic Mike Berger <mmb Organization: Magic Jokes, Photos, Art, & Recipes http://funandmagic.com/ To: you
Hi, You've heard of the Bermuda Triangle. See the Laguna Triangle. High above Laguna Beach last month hung bright celestial orbs. Visible after the California sunset were, from left to right, the Moon, Saturn, and Venus. Tonight and for the next few days, Venus and the Moon will again be visible together. Nearby stars will include Pollux, Castor, and Procyon. Venus now sets hours after the Sun and is so bright it might be mistaken for an airplane or UFO. Binoculars should enable the viewing of craters on the Moon, and phases for Venus. http://funandmagic.com/photolinks1.htm . Today is the anniversary of me not dying at the eruption of Mount St. Helens. Someone urged me to cancel my plans to camp Saturday night there on May 18, 1980. They said perform at the University Street Fair. So today is 19 years extra. Have a magic day and pass it on! Magic Mike parlor.htm VI The Wise Person
v85 Few cross the river to the further shore. The rest run up and down this side of the torrent.
v86 But those who pursue the truth will reach the further shore, and pass through the realm of death, which is so hard to cross.
v87 Leaving the way of darkness, the wise one will follow the way of light. Giving up his or her security they will enter into solitude, knowing the road to be hard.
v88 Putting away desire and freeing themselves from possessions, the wise will rid themselves of all dark thoughts.
v89 With his or her mind full of regard for the truth; with energy, concentration and calmness; clinging to nothing and overcoming all dark thoughts, he or she is awakened and enters Nirvana in this world.
(Thus ends the chapter, The Wise
Person)
-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=
The children had all been photographed, and the teacher was trying to persuade
them each to buy a copy of the group picture. "Just think how nice
it will be to look at it when you are all grown up and say, 'There's Jennifer;
she's a lawyer,' or 'That's Michael, he's a doctor.'" A small voice
at the back of the room rang out, "And there's the teacher; she's
dead."
-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=
Lawyer's donation The staff at a local United Way office realized that
it had never received a donation from the town's most successful lawyer.
The person in charge of contributions called him to persuade him to contribute and said, "Our research shows that out of a yearly income of at least $500,000, you give not a penny to charity. Wouldn't you like to give back to the community in some way?"
The lawyer mulled this over for a moment and replied, "First, did your research also show that my mother is dying after a long illness, and has medical bills that are several times her annual income?"
Embarrassed, the United Way representative mumbled, "Um... No."
"Or," the lawyer continued, "that my brother, a disabled veteran, is blind and confined to a wheelchair?"
The stricken United Way representative began to stammer out an apology but was interrupted when the lawyer added, "Or that my sister's husband died in a traffic accident," the lawyer's voice rising in indignation, "leaving her pennyless with three children?"
The humiliated United Way representative, completely beaten, said simply, "I had no idea..."
On a roll, the lawyer cut him off
once again, "So if I don't give any money to them, why should I give
any to you?
-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=
Top 22 Signs You've Had Too Much of the 90's:
22. Cleaning up the dining area means getting the fast food bags out of the back seat of your car.
21. Your reason for not staying in touch with family is that they do not have e-mail addresses.
20. Keeping up with sports entails adding ESPN's homepage to your bookmarks.
19. You have a "to do list" that includes entries for lunch and bathroom breaks and they are usually the ones that never get crossed off.
18. You have actually faxed your Christmas list to your parents.
17. Pick up lines now include a reference to liquid assets and capital gains.
16. You consider 2nd day air delivery painfully slow.
15. You assume the question to valet park or not is rhetorical.
14. You refer to your dining room table as the flat filing cabinet.
13. Your idea of being organized is multiple colored post-it notes.
12. Your grocery list has been on your refrigerator so long some of the products don't even exist any more.
11. You lecture the neighborhood kids selling lemonade on ways to improve their process.
10. You get all excited when it's Saturday and you can wear sweats to work.
9. You refer to the tomatoes grown in your garden as deliverables.
8. You find you really need PowerPoint to explain what you do for a living.
7. You normally eat out of vending machines and at the most expensive restaurant in town within the same week.
6. You think that "progressing an action plan" and "calendarizing a project" are acceptable English phrases.
5. You know the people at the airport hotels better than your next door neighbors.
4. You ask your friends to "think out of the box" when making Friday night plans.
3. You think Einstein would have been more effective had he put his ideas into a matrix.
2. You think a "half-day" means leaving at 5 o'clock.
And the number 1 sign you've had too much of the 90's:
1. You hear most of your jokes via
email instead of in person.
-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=
A very attractive young lady was sitting in a fine restaurant one night.
Waiting for her date as she was, she wanted to make sure everything was perfect. So, as she bends down in her chair to get the mirror from her purse, she accidentally farts quite loudly just as the waiter walks up.
Sitting up straight now, embarrassed and red faced, knowing everyone in the place heard her, turns to the waiter and demands "Stop That!"
The waiter looks at her dryly and says "Sure lady, which way was it headed?"
-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=
Q: Which sexual position produces the ugliest children?
-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=
-=-=
Subject: Lake Powell, War and Intrigue, AOL scam Date: Mon, 17 May 1999 09:19:46 -0700 From: Magic Mike Berger <mmb Organization: Magic Jokes, Photos, Art, & Recipes http://funandmagic.com/ To: you Hi, See amazing, purple storm clouds over Lake Powell, at http://funandmagic.com/photolinks1.htm . I found myself emotionally wrapped up in this war, wanting the bombing, to stop the madmen but it becomes hard to tell the madmen without a program and scorecard. I want to thank the women I know for reminding me deal with it spiritually, instead of with anger. Seeing people murdered, it is easy for negative feelings to arise. It is a hard decision to kill murderers. You become one yourself. A few sayings come to mind: "When You Lay Down With Dogs, You Wake Up Itching"; and "When You Argue With A Fool, People Find It Hard To Tell The Difference." Meanwhile, a British agent posted 150 names on the Internet, labeling them as fellow agents of MI6. The names were stricken by the British government, acknowledged to be true, putting agents in danger. This renegade agents also described in detail an assignation plan that was to be used on the Serb,Milosovich, in a Holland tunnel. The car's electronics are jammed, the air bags get inflated remotely, and a laser beam blinds the driver. At a high speed in a tunnel the car becomes a death trap. He announced that the same plan was used on Princess Di, because she was to wed a Muslim, and a Muslim relative to the King would have been a royal embarrassment. He said the driver and one of the paparazzi were MI6, too. The paparazzi that fled had the laser and electronic jammer and remote air bag control. The pillars in the tunnel did the rest. A sample of a scam letter came to me and is the last item, below. Watch out for these. It looks real enough to me, but it is deadly I am told. DO NOT CLICK ON IT'S LINK! Be aware of this and pass it on to your friends. Have a magic day and pass it on. Magic Mike parlor.htm
-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=
-=
The Dhammapada
VI The Wise Person
v81 As a rock remains unmoved by storm, so the wise remain unmoved by praise or blame.
v82 Hearing the truth, the wise become like a calm, unruffled lake.
v83 The wise walk on, clinging to nothing. They are neither elated by happiness nor cast down by sorrow.
v84 Neither for himself nor for others will the wise one crave family or wealth. He or she will not wish to gain by others' loss.
(to be continued)-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=
Your enthusiasm will be infections, stimulating and attractive to others.
They will love you for it. They will go for you and with you.
-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=
-
The little boy was caught swearing by his teacher.
"Jeffrey," she said, "you shouldn't use that kind of language. Where did you hear it?"
"My daddy said it." he responded.
"Well, that doesn't matter," she explained, "you don't know what it means."
"I do, too." Jeffrey corrected.
"It means the car won't start."
-=-==-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=
Q: What does "La Quinta" mean, in English? A: "Next to Denny's."
-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=
WHY I LIKE BEING A GUY!
Your butt is never a factor in a
job interview. Your orgasms are real. Always. Your last name stays put.
The garage is all yours. Nobody secretly wonders if you swallow. Wedding
plans take care of themselves. You don't have to curl up next to a hairy
ass every night. Chocolate is just another snack. You can be president.
You can wear a white shirt to a water park. Foreplay is optional. You never
feel compelled to stop a friend from getting laid Car mechanics tell you
the truth. You don't give a rat's ass if someone notices your new haircut.
The world is your urinal. Hot wax never comes near your pubic area. You
never have to drive to another gas station because this one's just too
icky. Same work... more pay. Wrinkles add character. You don't have to
leave the room to make emergency crotch adjustments. Wedding Dress $2000;
Tux rental $100. If you retain water, it's in a can'teen. People never glance
at your chest when you're talking to them. Princess Di's death was just
another obituary. The occasional well-rendered belch is practically expected.
New shoes don't cut, blister, or mangle your feet. Porn movies are designed
with you in mind. Not liking a person does not preclude having great sex
with them. Your pals can be trusted never to trap you with: "So, notice
anything different?" One mood, all the time.
-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-
Subject: FW: Philosophy---------INTERESTING !!
An American businessman was at the pier of a small coastal Mexican village when a small boat with just one fisherman docked. Inside the small boat were several large yellowfin tuna. The American complimented the Mexican on the quality of his fish and asked how long it took to catch them. The Mexican replied, "Only a little while, senor." The American then asked, "Why didn't you stay out longer and catch more fish?" The Mexican said
he had enough to support his family's immediate needs. The American then asked, "But what do you do with the rest of your time?" The Mexican fisherman said, "I sleep late, fish a little, play with my children, take siesta with my wife, Maria, stroll into the village each evening where I sip wine and play guitar with my amigos. I have a full and busy life, senor."
The American scoffed, "I am a Harvard MBA and could help you. You should spend more time fishing and with the proceeds, buy a bigger boat with the proceeds from the bigger boat you could buy several boats, eventually you would have a fleet of fishing boats. Instead of selling your catch to a middleman you would sell directly to the processor, eventually opening your own cannery. You would control the product, processing and distribution. You would need to leave this small coastal fishing village and move to Mexico City, then LA and eventually NYC where you will run your expanding enterprise." The Mexican fisherman asked, "But senor, how long will this all take?" To which the American replied, "15-20 years." "But what then, senor?" The American laughed and said, "That's the best part. When the time is right you would announce an IPO and sell your company stock to the public and become very rich, you would make millions."
"Millions, senor? Then what?"
The American said, "Then you would retire. Move to a small coastal fishing village where you would sleep late, fish a little, play with your kids, take siesta with your wife, stroll to the village in the evenings
where you could sip wine and play your guitar with your amigos." ---=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=
Lying Wife
"That wife of mine is a liar," said the angry husband to a sympathetic pal seated next to him in thebar.
"How do you know?" the friend asked.
"She didn't come home last night and when I asked her where she'd been, she said she had spent the night with her sister, Shirley."
"So?"
"So she's a liar. I spent the
night with her sister, Shirley."
-=--=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-==
NOT A JOKE NOT A JOKE Subject: example of a scam, DON'T CLICK DONT CLICK
on the link--- for aol members read this Date: Mon, 17 May 1999 07:47:09
EDT
for you people out there, this is an example of a scam
Subj: AOL UPDATE Date: 5/17/99 7:30:58 AM Eastern Daylight Time From: Str8dncr
Dear Member,Storing your sign-on password can make web surfing faster! A passwordfor your Personal Filing Cabinet protects its contents by making
itnecessary to enter a password each time your PFC is accessed. Werecommend that you use the same password for both. You can only storepasswords for the account with which you are currently signed on. NOTE: Storing passwords does not change your sign-on password. To change your sign-on password, go to
Keyword: Password.We are currently introducing new web surfing technology that allowsfaster surfing by storing your password on the Internet. Each time yougoto a web site your browser checks your password to make sure you arecurrently signed on. Storing your password will make surfing faster &easier and you will experience speeds up to 250% faster then your current. <A HREF="http://216.33.20.4/sc/speeker/prologue.html"America Online Internet Updates </ASincerely,John Cuber
Subject: Pretty Flowers, Make Do, Wise Man, Bible/St. Peter, Chicken jokes Date: Sun, 16 May 1999 11:31:02 -0700 From: Magic Mike Berger <mmb Organization: Magic Jokes, Photos, Art, & Recipes http://funandmagic.com/ To: you
Hi, Here are some nice flowers for your desktop. http://funandmagic.com/photolinks1.htm . There has been a joke and link lull so send some if you can. Meanwhile, I'll make do with what I have. Have a magic day and pass it on. Magic Mike parlor.htm Do what you can, with what you have, where you are.
Ask for what you want. People may say yes.
Adversity introduces us to ourselves.
We find only the world we look for.
--W. Mitchell-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=
-=
The Dhammapada
VI The Wise Person
v76 Look upon the wise person who shows you where you are mistaken as a revealer of treasurers. It is good to know such a person.
v77 Let him or her advise others, and prevent wrong-going. The good will love them and only the bad will hate them.
v78 The wise person will not keep bad company but will seek the fellowship of those who love truth.
v79 The wise person follows the way of the awakened. He or she lives happily, with their mind at ease.
v80 Irrigators guide water; fletchers straighten arrows; carpenters turn wood; wise people shape themselves.
(to be continued)
-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=
Top 12 Ways the Bible would be different if it were written by college
students
12. 'Blood of Christ' switched from
red wine to keg beer. 11. Last Supper would have been eaten the next morning:
cold! 10. Ten Commandments are actually only five, double-spaced, and written
in a large font. 9. New edition every two years in order to limit reselling.
8. Forbidden fruit would have been eaten because it wasn't dorm food. 7.
Paul's Letter to the Romans becomes Paul's E-Mail To: abuse@romans.gov
6. Reason Cain killed Abel: They were roommates. 5. The place where the
end of the world occurs: Finals, not Armageddon. 4. Out go the mules; In
come the mountain bikes. 3. Reason why Moses and followers walked in desert
for 40 years: They didn't want to ask directions and look like Freshmen.
2. Tower of Babel blamed foreign Language requirement. 1. Instead of
God creating the world in six days and resting on the seventh, He would
have put it off until the night before it was due and then pulled an all-nighter.
-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-
A woman finds herself outside the Pearly Gates, where she is greeted by
St. Peter. "Am I where I think I am?" she exclaims. "It's
so beautiful! Did I really make it to heaven?" St. Peter replies,
"Yes, my dear, these are the Gates to Heaven. But you must do one
thing before you can enter." Very excited, the woman asks what she
must do to pass through the gates. "Spell a word," St. Peter
replies. "What word?" she asks. "Any word," answers
St. Peter. "It's your choice." The woman promptly replies, "The
word I will spell is love. L-o-v-e." St. Peter congratulates her on
her good fortune of making it into Heaven and asks her if she will take
his place at the gates for a moment while he attends to another matter.
"I'd be honored," she says, "but what should I do if someone
comes while you are gone?" St. Peter instructs her to require any
newcomers to spell a word, just as she had done. So the woman takes St.
Peter's chair and watches the beautiful angels soaring around her. Lo and
behold, a man approaches the gates. It is her husband! "What happened?"
she cries. "Why are you here?" Her husband explains, "I
was so upset when I left your funeral that I got into an automobile accident.
Now I am here, ready to join you in Heaven." "Not just yet,"
the woman replies. "First you must spell a word." What word?"
he asks. "Czechoslovakia," she replies.
-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=
Question: Why did the pervert cross the road? Answer: To get to the chicken.
Question: NOW. Why did the chicken cross the road? Answer: To get away from the pervert.
Why did the rabbit cross the road? He wanted to show his girlfriend that he had guts.
Why did the whale cross the road? He was stapled to the back of the chicken.
Why did the cyborg cross the road? Because he was Carbon-bonded to the chicken.
Why did my brain cross the road?
Because it's the same size as a chicken's.
-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-
TOP TEN SIGNS YOU'RE TOO OLD TO BE TRICK OR TREATING
10. You get winded from knocking
on the door. 9. You have to have another kid chew the candy for you. 8.
You ask for high fibre candy only. 7. When someone drops a candy bar in
your bag, you lose your balance and fall over. 6. People say, "Great
Keith Richards mask!" and you're not wearing a mask. 5. When the door
opens you yell, "Trick or..." and can't remember the rest. 4.
By the end of the night, you have a bag full of restraining orders. 3.
You have to carefully choose a costume that won't dislodge your hairpiece.
2. You're the only Power Ranger in the neighborhood with a walker. 1. You
avoid going to houses where your ex-wives live.
-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=
"What am I supposed to do with this?" grumbled the motorist as
the police clerk handed him a receipt for his traffic fine. "Keep
it," the clerk advised. "When you get four of them, you get a
bicycle."
Subject: Fool's Gold, viruses Date: Sat, 15 May 1999 13:59:43 -0700 From: Magic Mike Berger <mmb Organization: Magic Jokes, Photos, Art, & Recipes http://funandmagic.com/ To: you
Hi, There's some hot stars in the old
town tonight, at http://funandmagic.com/photolinks1.htm . Something for you
fools, and a list of virus attachments. Have a magic day and pass it on.
Magic Mike http://funandmagic.com/ The Dhammapada
V The Fool
v66 Fools are their own greatest enemies, for the trouble they make bears bitter fruit.
v67 Ill deeds bring great remorse. Their fruit is reaped in sorrow.
v68 Do only what you will not regret and the fruit of your deeds will be reaped in joy.
v69 The fool thinks that the mischief he or she makes is as sweet as honey till it bears its fruit, and then they suffer.
v70 Though a person should fast and eat food from the tip of a grass blade, yet he or she is still not worth the smallest part of those to whom the food is the way.
v71 Fresh milk suddenly curdles in the heart, but a bad deed pursues the fool slowly like a smouldering fire.
v72 The fool obtains knowledge, but without wisdom it produces woe. It destroys his or her own happiness.
v73 The fool wants a high place in the world, recognition and fame so that all will look up to him or her.
v74 He or she thinks, "I have proven myself. May everyone praise me and obey me." Those are their desires and their overwhelming pride.
v75 This way leads to wealth and worldly success. Yet the other way leads to the end of the path. The followers of the Buddha, therefore, do not look for recognition and the praise of men, but go the way of the awakened and set themselves free.
(Thus ends the chapter, The Fool)-=-
-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=
Please delete your mails that had any attachment (file) mentioned below
as those files or programs contain virus!!!
DO NOT OPEN these attachments unless you are confident they are safe. DO NOT RUN and DO NOT LAUNCH THEM at all!! There is NO REMEDY OR CURE.
They will completely wipe out all your data in your hard disk and destroy all your emails!
The viruses are:- 1) buddylst.exe 2) calcu18r.exe 3) deathpr.exe 4) einstein.exe 5) happ.exe 6) happy99.exe 7) japanese.exe 8) keypress.exe 9) kitty.exe 10) teletubb.exe 11) list.com
Do pass on this important message
to all your friends and business associates.
-=-=--=---=--=
A man flying in a hot air balloon realizes he is lost. He reduces his altitude
and spots a man in a field down below. He lowers the balloon further and
shouts, "Excuse me, can you tell me where I am?"
The man below says, "Yes, you're in a hot air balloon, about 30 feet above this field."
"You must be an engineer," says the balloonist.
"I am. How did you know?"
"Everything you told me is technically correct, but it's of no use to anyone."
The man below says, "You must be in management."
"I am. But how did you know?"
"You don't know where you are, or where you're going, but you expect me to be able to help. You're in the same position you were before we met, but now it's my fault."
Subject: Fools, Sex, Lawyers, and Proctor Date: Fri, 14 May 1999 10:14:31 -0700 From: Magic Mike Berger <mmb Organization: Magic Jokes, Photos, Art, & Recipes http://funandmagic.com/ To: you
Hi, Today's pic is San Francisco
from 700km up. Launched last month, NASA's Landsat 7 spacecraft now orbits
planet Earth. http://funandmagic.com/photolinks1.htm . A Planet Proctor Orbits
the bottom of this mailer, after a word about Fools.
Have a magic day and pass it on.
Magic Mike
parlor.htm
V The Fool
v60 Long is the night to the watcher; long is the road to the weary traveler; long is the path to the foolish who stray through many lives searching for it.
v61 If the traveler cannot find a wise friend to go with him or her, let them go on alone. It is better than having a fool for company.
v62 The fool thinks anxiously, "These children and this wealth are mine." But he or she is not even master of themselves, much less of children and possessions.
v63 The fool who knows he or she is a fool is wise so far, but the fool who thinks he or she is wise is truly a fool.
v64 Though a fool knows a wise man all his life, he or she will understand the truth as little as the spoon savors the soup.
v65 But when a thoughtful person knows a wise person, even for a little while, he or she will understand, as a tongue knows the taste of soup. In Detroit, couples are not allowed to make love in an automobile unless the act takes place while the vehicle is parked on the couple's own property.
A law in Fairbanks, Alaska does not allow moose to have sex on city streets.
In Florida it is illegal for single, divorced, or widowed women to parachute on Sunday afternoons.
In Harrisburg, Pennsylvania it is illegal to have sex with a truck driver inside a toll booth.
It's safe to make love while parked in Coeur d'Alene, Idaho. Police officers aren't allowed to walk up and knock on the window. Any suspicious officer who thinks that sex is taking place must drive up from behind, honk his horn three times and wait approximately two minutes before getting out of his car to investigate.
No man is allowed to make love to his wife with the smell of garlic, onions,or sardines on his breath in Alexandria, Minnesota. If his wife so requests,law mandates that he must brush his teeth.
Warn your hubby that after lovemaking
in Ames, Iowa, he isn't allowed to take more than three gulps of beer while
lying in bed with you-or holding you in his arms.
-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-
* I like you, but I wouldn't want to see you working with subatomic particles.
-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=
-=-=-=-=
25 SECRETS TO LAW FIRM SUCCESS
1. Whenever you make a persuasive point in conversation with colleagues, snap your fingers,announce reproachfully, "No further questions for this witness!", then walk away whistling.
2. Start every deposition by repeatedly finger-slapping parts of the witness' face and telling him that, for the duration of the questioning, his name will be "Sassy".
3. Get and stay on one of your office building's elevators, stare at everyone you see with a fixed toothy grin, and when you recognize someone from before, ask "Does this go to Indianapolis?"
4. Whenever a partner or senior associate gives you an especially complicated or obscure research question, fabricate an answer on the spot with an air of imperturbable certainty; then, upon being asked, wondrously, how you know the answer, say "I know everything. I'm King of the Chickens."
5. End every sentence, written or oral, with "and shit". Examples: "Frankly, John, while the estoppel rationale serves us well here, I'm not sure we should abandon the more salient jurisdictional issues and shit."
"Your Honor, I object. The question is vague and shit."
6. After your officemate/nearby associate has been furiously crafting a memorandum on his computer for two days, take the opportunity when s/he leaves briefly to insert lines from "The Sound of Music". Photocopy, then circulate. Possible result: Plaintiff's motion for summary judgment should fail for two reasons. First, Plaintiff assumes that Smith's presentation at the November meeting constituted notice to one little girl with a pale pink coat-herd. However, the Third Circuit Court of Appeals has repeatedly held that mere publication of one's flibbety-jibbet cannot establish that a party's blossom of snow will bloom and grow,bloom and grow, forever. Second, nowhere does Plaintiff address the testimony of, ladies and gentlemen, the Family Von Trapp!! It remains undisputed that Jones was not present, that the proxy agreement was never approved, and that fa is a long long way to run.
7. Before producing a box of especially critical documents to opposing counsel, place an unwrapped Slim Jim in every file folder.
8. After making any assertion of a legal nature to a senior-level attorney, insist that she ask your mom if she doesn't believe you.
9. Refuse to explain any complicated jurisprudential concept without working your hands like mouths and making them speak in funny accents. When your co-workers laugh, say "Oh, sure, if my hands talked American you wouldn't be laughing, would you, racist?" [Optional: Have one of your hands concur in a throaty tenor, "'Sawrigh, boss."]
10. For an entire day, whenever someone addresses you, say nothing except "Whatever" and roll your eyes.
11. Ask a partner whether, if s/he's not too busy, you can catch a ride to the mall.
12. Whenever someone asks you for a client/matter number, belch in your hand, pretend like you're still holding it, and say "How 'bout a present, instead?"
13. Hand a paralegal a bag of Cheetos and ask to have them ordered chronologically.
14. Purchase a red rubber kickball, place it on your desk, and designate it your formal representative. Refuse to deal with any who do not address it instead of you.
15. Every day, stroll into work at 11:30 AM and loudly declare "A fisherman lives by the rhythm of the sea, people."
16. Roam the halls insisting that you're Dee from "What's Happenin'". Address all colleagues you encounter as "Rog" and continuously ask for quarters in an impossible whine.
17. Refuse to submit billing diaries unless you can record time increments in thousandths of hours. End every descriptive entry with "or whatever".
Use the words placenta and asymptote in the same entry, and the adjective "freakin'" in all of them.
18. Offer co-workers breath mints. When they reach for them, pull away and yell "Cert denied!" Run away cackling.
19. Declare your office a sovereign nation, refer to your secretary as Most High Vizier of Nation Things, and continually issue E-mail "resolutions" condemning those associates officed nearby as imperialist running dogs.
20. Send an E-Mail on behalf of the firm loser to everyone on the Master List that says, "I want to party like it's 1999".
21. At any deposition with a difficult witness, start mimicking everything the witness says. (1) If the witness protests, retort sharply, "I'm asking the questions here, Sassy." (2) If opposing counsel protests, each time hit the witness and say to counsel, "Stop it. You're hurting him." (3) If either one finally catches on and starts mimicking you, have them make an interesting record for you by saying things like "Screw the truth, just show me the money" or "My client smells and I like it". You can do this with cooperative witnesses, too.
22. Fabricate billing diaries and submit them on behalf of your least favorite colleagues. Possible day's entries: 0062-494 .5 Picking of nose; extraction of biggie 4342-099 .3 Conference re: whether rigamarocious is a word and, if not, why it should be 0299-411 .6 Research re: how much a 1981 El Camino with real
shiny rims will set me back 0001-000 2.4 Organization and refinishing of desk 5588-200 .5 Preparation of memorandum re: why a right-side-up Pringle looks more like an orthopedic arch support than an upside-down Pringle looks like a Mexican sombrero 2292-300 1.0 I'm too sexy for Milan, too sexy for Milan, New York and Japan 5588-200 .4 Revised memorandum re: Pringles (you can't write just one) 4110-466 .9 Preparation of memorandum re: why this firm sucks 3000-245 4.1 Review of, like, some cases or something
23. When, during an interview, a potential recruit asks you whether there will be variety in his/her day-to-day work experience, say, "Yes. For some days you will have to pray to your god; other days you will curse him."
24. Enhance the meaningfulness of your exchanges with potential recruits by including the following questions/commentaries in your interviews of them:
"Do you like yourself?"
"I can draw a mean shark that looks like a rocketship too--wanna see?"
"Do you ever say to yourself, 'Wait, I deserve better', or 'What is my mission in this life?', or 'Say, I've never seen that raisin-like growth on my body before'?
"Cereals, cereals--how I do love my cereals."
"What's your problem, chump? Sitting there, looking at me like I got all the answers to your little questions, while you just keep on sitting there and looking at me and asking questions. I've baked bread with smaller fry than you, weisenheimer. There was a time when I was on top of the world, and you were still knocking to getin, like saying 'Let me in, world, it's cold out here, and I want to get in'. Try that on for size, da Vinci."
25. Pick an addressee at random and send byinteroffice mail an anonymous note that includes only the words "Help me."-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=
-=-=-=-=-=-=
Subject: PP 99 - 10 Date: Thu, 13 May 1999 20:07:00 -0400 From: Phil Proctor
<PProctor@compuserve.com To: AAA <pproctor@compuserve.com
((((((((((((((((((((((((((( PLANET PROCTOR 99 - 10 http:// www.planetproctor.com
"There is a theory which states that if ever anyone discovers exactly what the universe is for and why it is here, it will instantly disappear
and be replaced by something even more bizarre and inexplicable. There is another that states that this has already happened." -- Douglas Adams
PROCTOR'S PLANET Yes, I've been doing it on the road -- with the Firesign boys, no less, in Santa Barbara, San Francisco, Portland and Seattle, topped off by two days of "Writers' Cramp" on Fox Island working on the next FST DVD/CD, compliments of Phil & Oona Austin and the pups. Our two-act evening of Firesign "theatre" has turned out to be a real crowd pleaser even for those who never even heard (of) us, which is our intention with this Broadway-bound show. (Thanks two, to Oona, and Melinda Peterson for their invaluable Ms. direction.) The Oregonian said, "On this night at least, they owned the idea of laughter", and the Seattle Times declared that we should be "registered as a National Comedic Landmark." And the following morning, Bergman claimed to awake with pigeon poop on his head. The Times reviewer, Terry Wood, was so effusive in his praise for out current endeavors that he missed his Friday night deadline! "Their acuity, pacing, recall, rapport, adlibbing and physical maneuvering on stage all suggests good friends many years younger sincerely enjoying their time together." Now that's acting!
"The internet to me is the death of civilization. We know far more than we need to know." -- Kevin Kline, People Magazine
ACT NOW!!! An Actor's Invaluable Guide to Stock, Dinner Theatre, and Beyond... Your first responsibility as an actor is to find your light. Do not listen to your fellow actors on stage. It will only throw you. Do not look at them either as you may not like what you see. Always be specific -- point to what you're talking about. Hold for all laughs -- real, expected, or imagined! If you don't get one, face front and repeat the line louder. Failing this, laugh at it yourself. Cultivate an attitude of hostility. Tension gets results, on stage and off. A good performance, like concrete, should be molded quickly and then forever set. If a line isn't working for you, change it. Stage Managers are NOT actors --ignore them! But help to keep them alert by never arriving on time or signing in. Never be afraid to ad-lib to get attention, especially if you feel the leads aren't very entertaining. When in doubt about an ad-lib, go "whoo"! If you go up on a line, clap twice, look at the audience, and giggle. (Mistakes are never your fault.) Need a character? Get a costume; and never carry make-up---someone will always have what you need. Never change anything that is working, no matter how wrong or phony it may seem. Even if a piece of "schtick" doesn't work, keep using it. Always find something to bitch about, no matter how
small or seemingly insignifican't. Your fellow actors will respect your professional attention to detail. Never, never help understudies (They secretly hate you and want your job). Do help your fellow actors by giving them notes whenever you feel necessary. And give the notes immediately before they go on---it will be fresher that way.. If you can't be heard, it's not your fault. Any decent theatre should have body mikes. Speak your lines as if the audience had difficulty understanding the language and keep other performers on their toes by ridiculing their performances and never letting them know what you're going to do next. Finally, play the reality -- always be aware of the audience and whether you think they like the show, then gauge your performance accordingly.(Why knock yourself out for ungrateful assholes?) *The important thing is for you to have fun and feel good about yourself.*
"Dennis Hopper playing golf is one of the first signs of the apocalypse. It's true -- he's become a Republican." -- Chris Kristofferson, Esquire magazine
BLOW ME DOON Donald MacDonald from the Isle of Skye went to study at an English university and was living in the hall of residence with all the other students there. After he had been there a month, his mother came to visit him (no doubt carrying reinforcements of tatties, salt herring, oatmeal and whiskey). "And how do you find the English students, Donald?" she asked. "Mother," he replied, "they're such terrible, noisy people. The one on that side keeps banging his head on the wall and won't stop. The one on the other side screams and screams all night." "Oh Donald! How do you manage to put up with these awful, noisy English neighbors?" "Mother, I do nothing. I just ignore them. I just stay here quietly, playing my bagpipes."
"How do you know when it's time to tune your bagpipes?"
10-4 Some students said the tragedy at Columbine last April 20 could have been far worse had it not been a "Senior skip day" -- known as "4-20", L.A. police code for a drug bust -- when students around the country drop out to turn on. So, many students chose not to attend school that fatal
Tuesday. The fact that it was also the date of what would have been Hilter's 100th birthday -- and the celebration of the dedication of the new Reichstag in re-united Germany, returning the seat of government to Berlin, did not escape our attention either. Ach, du lieber! It's enough to want to make you get stoned. Meanwhile, according to the L.A. Times, Goth rocker Marilyn Manson left a Cedar Rapids concert stage in a snit in last week after finding that a fan "had stuck a large yellow smiley face on a stage prop."
"Women should be obscene and not heard." -- Groucho Marx
WE'LL BE RIGHT BACK... Planet Master Richard Arnold forwarded this to me from his baby sister: "The following are five commercials that were actually aired during The Lewinsky/Walters Interview" (check your tapes and get back to me) -- 5. "Victoria's Secret" lingerie. 4. Burger King - featuring the song "It's My Party, and I'll Cry if I Want To." 3. Oral-B Deluxe. 2. A promo for the TV movie "Cleopatra," with the voice-over: "When she
was only twenty, she seduced the most powerful leader in the world." 1. Maytag's Neptune washing machine - "It actually has the power to remove stains!"
"I tended to place my wife under a pedestal." -- Woody Allen
AND SPEAKING OF SEX You may or may not be aware that Anheuser-Busch (a famous male alliance) has created a first-ever ad depicting two men holding hands with the slogan, "Be yourself and make it a Bud Light" -- a very welcome message to some, from a very major advertiser. If you approve of this free-thinking blitz, CALL BUD at 1-877-233-7725 to automatically register your approval. A machine picks up and a female voice says "Thanks." Its easy and takes about 5 seconds. Ray and Hal thank you, too!
"In order to keep a true perspective of one's importance, everyone should have a dog that will worship him and a cat that will ignore him." -- Derek Bruce
DOGGY HAIKU FOR U I love my master; thus I perfume myself with this long-rotten squirrel. I lie belly-up In the sunshine, happier than you ever will be. Today I sniffed many dog butts-I celebrate by kissing your face.
I sound the alarm! Paperboy-come to kill us all! Look! Look! Look! Look! Look! I lift my leg and Wiz on each bush. Hello, Spot - sniff this and
weep My human is home! I am so ecstatic I have made a puddle. I hate my choke chain - Look, world, they strangle me!
Ack Ack Ack Ack Ack Ack! Sleeping here, my chin on your foot - no greater bliss. Well, Maybe catching cats. Look in my eyes and deny it -- no human could love you as much I do.
"Of all God's creatures there is only one that cannot be made the slave of the leash. That one is the cat. If man could be crossed with the cat it would improve man, but it would deteriorate the cat." -- Mark Twain
ADSURDUM PROFUNDUMB A 176-pound Spanish pig named Trufo, that had been raised as a dog went into a depression when its owners left for France and it was forced to live with other pigs, Madrid's Daily El Mundo reported. It was only upon
the arrival of a pretty female porker that he cheered up, "But he still expects to be kissed goodnight" the paper said. The Red Planet is actually the Yellow-Brown Planet according to scientists who know about these things. It's been suggested we start calling it the Ochre Planet, or the Goldenrod Planet, or -- my fave -- the Butterscotch Planet! The good news: a firefighter in Martin County, Florida discovered that the super-absorbent polymers found in disposable baby diapers act like tiny sponges that can hold off a fire for up to thirty hours and even put them out! The bad news? They have to be dirty diapers!
"Am reading a very interesting book about antigravity; I just can't put it down." -- Patty Paul
SHEL SHOCK We lost Shel Silverstein this week, but then he'd been in hiding
for a long time. Creator of children's books, songs like "A Boy Named Sue," and memorable racy Playboy cartoons, he had a houseboat in Saucelito, a pad in the Village and a home in Key West. Quoted in his obit in the L.A. Times, he once said, "I am free to leave...go wherever I please, do whatever I want. I believe everyone should live like that. Don't be dependent on anyone else -- man, woman,
child or dog. I want to go everywhere, look at and listen to everything.
You can go crazy with some of the wonderful stuff there is in life." And bravos to actor Oliver Reed, who met his maker as he lived -- in a pub surrounded by beautiful women.
+++++++++++(5/13/99)++++++++++ * FIRESIGN SITE: www.firesigntheatre.com * FIRESIGN PRODUCT: www.lodestone-media.com * FUNNY TIMES: www.funnytimes.com
PLANET PROCTOR (C) 1999 by Phil ProctorSubject: Big gaping hole in space, Fate, Flowers Date: Thu, 13 May 1999 09:58:05 -0700 From: Magic Mike Berger <mmb Organization: Magic Jokes, Photos, Art, & Recipes http://funandmagic.com/ To: you
Hi, If you know the poem about seeing
a man who wasn't there, you will get the drift of today's weird photo form
outer space, "Seeing Stars Thay Are Not There", Cloud Barnard
68. http://funandmagic.com/photolinks1.htm . This is National Friendship Week.
Enjoy the story below about the two sons.
Have a magic day and pass it on.
Magic Mike
Go see a magic trick. Learn this one! It's easy, and you'll love it.
This trick is a great way to meet friends. http://funandmagic.com/learn_magic.html
Subject National Friendship Week
His name was Fleming, and he was a poor Scottish farmer. One day, while trying to eke out a living for his family, he heard a cry for help coming from a nearby bog. He dropped his tools and ran to the bog.
There, mired to his waist in black muck, was a terrified boy, screaming and struggling to free himself. Farmer Fleming saved the lad from what could have been a slow and terrifying death. The next day, a fancy carriage pulled up to the Scotsman's sparse surroundings. An elegantly dressed nobleman stepped out and introduced himself as the father of the boy Farmer Fleming had saved.
"I want to repay you," said the nobleman. "You saved my son's life."
"No, I can't accept payment for what I did," the Scottish farmer replied, waving off the offer.
At that moment, the farmer's own son came to the door of the family hovel. "Is that your son?" the nobleman asked.
"Yes," the farmer replied proudly.
"I'll make you a deal. Let me take him and give him a good education. If the lad is anything like his father, he'll grow to a man you can be proud of."
And that he did. In time, Farmer Fleming's son graduated from St. Mary's Hospital Medical School in London, and went on to become known throughout the world as the noted Sir Alexander Fleming, the discoverer of Penicillin. Years afterward, the nobleman's son was stricken with pneumonia. What saved him? Penicillin. The name of the nobleman? Lord Randolph Churchill. His son's name? Sir Winston Churchill.
Someone once said: What goes around
comes around.
-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=
The Dhammapada
IV Flowers
v54 The scent of sandalwood, lilies and jasmine cannot travel against the wind, but the fragrance of good works travels in all directions, even to the ends of the earth.
v55 How much sweeter than the scent of sandalwood or jasmine is the fragrance of good deeds!
v56 The scent of lotus, lily and jasmine carries only a little way, but the fragrance of goodness rises to heaven.
v57 Craving never blocks the path of those who live upright lives. Their wisdom sets them free.
v58 How brightly the lotus grows in the rubbish by the wayside. Its sweet scent lightens the heart.
v60 So you, the awakened, will shine in the darkness around you, spreading the sweet scent of your wisdom.
(Thus ends the chapter, Flowers) parlor.htm
Subject: Mind of flowers, more cajun, what men expect Date: Wed, 12 May 1999 10:21:39 -0700 From: Magic Mike Berger <mmb Organization: American Reading Association To: you
-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=
-=-=-
The Dhammapada
IV Flowers
v44 Who will transcend this world? Who will transcend the realm of the dead, and heaven too with all its gods? Who will find the true and shining way of the path?
v45 You will. Even as the gatherer of flowers discovers the finest and the rarest, so will you gather the teachings and transcend this world.
v46 When you know that the body is merely the foam on the crest of a wave, unreal as a mirage, you will break the flowery arrows of craving. Unseen, you will escape the King of Death and travel onwards.
v47 The flowers of pleasure tempt the thoughtless person. But when he or she gathers them, death overtakes them as a flood sweeps away a sleeping village.
v48 While such a thoughtless person is gathering the flowers of pleasure, he or she is overtaken by death before they can ever be satisfied.
v49 When the bee collects honey it does not spoil the beauty or scent of the flower. So let the sage settle in each person and wander as he or she wills.
v50 Do not remark on the faults of others, but see what you yourself have done or left undone. Then overlook the faults of others.
v51 Like beautiful flowers that have color but no scent are the eloquent but empty sayings of the one who does not act according to his or her words.
v52 Like beautiful flowers full of color and fragrance are the fruitful sayings of the one who acts according to his or her words.
v53 As many garlands as can be made from a pile of flowers, so make as many good deeds from your life.-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=
-=-=-=
YOU MIGHT BE A CAJUN IF. . . .
--You are asked to name the four seasons and your reply is, "onions, celery, bell pepper, and garlic"
--You are asked to name the "Fab Four" and your respond, "Paul Prudhomme, John Folse, Justin Wilson, and Vernon Rogers."
--Your description of a gourmet dinner includes "deep fat fried"
--You let your black coffee cool and find that it has jellied.
--You describe a yard of boudin and cracklins as "breakfast"
--Your mama announces each morning, "Well, I've got the rice cooking. what will we have for supper?"
--One of your potential vacation destinations are north of the old Mississippi River Bridge (US 190)
--You refer to Louisiana winters as "Gumbo Weather.
--You get a disappointing look from your wife and describe it as "She passed me a pair of eyes"-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=
-=-=
Quote from a Phriend
Who says men don't have emotions. I was AFRAID she wouldn't have sex with me, I was HAPPY while we were doing it, and I was GLAD when she left.
-=--=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=
A woman was selected for jury duty. Trying to get out of it, she told the judge that she couldn't possibly serve on the jury.
"Why not?" he asked her.
She said "I'm physic. I already know the outcome of the trial."
"Very well," the judge said, "I'll dismiss you."
"I knew you would" said the woman.-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=
-=
WHAT EVERY MAN EXPECTS IN A WIFE
She will always be beautiful and cheerful.
She could marry a movie star, but wants only you.
She will have hair that never needs curlers or beauty shops.
Her beauty won't run in a rainstorm.
She will never be sick--just allergic to jewelry and fur coats.
She will insist that moving the furniture by herself is good for her figure.
She will be an expert in cooking, cleaning house, fixing the car or TV, painting the house, and keeping quiet.
Her favorite hobbies will be mowing the lawn and shoveling snow.
She will hate charge cards.
Her favorite expression will be, "What can I do for you, Dear?"
She will think you have Einstein's brain but look like Mr. America.
She will wish you would go out with the boys so that she could get some sewing done.
She will love you because you're so sexy.
WHAT HE USUALLY GETS....
She speaks 140 words a minute, with gusts up to 180.
She was once a model for a totem pole.
Where there's smoke, there she is-- cooking.
She's a light eater...once it gets light, she starts eating.
She lets you know you only have two faults. Everything you do, and everything you say.
No matter what she does with it, her hair looks like an explosion in a steel wool factory.
If you get lost, open your wallet and she'll find you.
Subject: Polar Ring Galaxy, LOVE IS ALL YOU NEED. When a Mother Blows Out 75 Candles Date: Mon, 10 May 1999 19:32:57 -0700 From: Magic Mike B <mmb Organization: Magic, Photos, WAVs, Jokes, Recipes, and Links http://funandmagic.com/ To: you
Hi, I'm a little late tonight. Stop
by and see a cool Polar Ring Galaxy, http://funandmagic.com/photolinks1.htm
. Stop by WAV of the Day. Äll You Need Is Love". http://funandmagic.com/
Have a magic day and pass it along. Magic Mike parlor.htm LOVE IS ALL YOU
NEED.
-=-=-=-=-=-==
Life in abundance comes only through great love. If you have it, you don't
need anything else. And if you don't have it, it doesn't really matter
what else you have.
Love is the most important ingredient of success. Without it, your life is empty. With it, your life vibrates with meaning.
Even in hardship, love shines through. Once you have learned to love, you will have learned to live.
Do all things with love.
-=-=-=--=-=
When a Mother Blows Out 75 Candles
She secretly hopes a tank of oxygen is one of her gifts.
Through the years she has hollered, said and prayed, "Jesus, Mary and Joseph, grant me patience!" 1,245,187 times.
Her hands have hung diapers on pulley clotheslines, sterilized bottles, carried babies from the third-floor apartment, ironed sunsuits and proudly pushed baby buggies.
She has peeled more potatoes than six marines on K.P. duty.
Her hair has been set in steel curlers, permed, rinsed with Nestle's coloring capsules, and styled in pageboys, the poodle look and the beehive hairdo; been permed again and turned silver.
The "parlor" was where she entertained company, the "pantry" held the groceries, the "icebox" held a pint of ice cream, and the "wringer washing machine" was hers to use on Tuesday.
She has earned her nursing degree through measles, chicken pox, mumps, pneumonia, polio, TB, fevers, stitches, flu, fractured arms and broken hearts.
At one time or another her closet held housedresses, feathered hats, white gloves, skirts with short hemlines and with long hemlines, pants suits, billowy dresses of chiffon, sheath dresses, a Sunday coat and the Christmas toys she ordered from the Sears catalog.
Her heart has known the ecstasy of a man's love, the joy of children, the heartbreak of their mistakes, the warmth of life's friendships, the celebration of weddings, the magnificent blessings of grandchildren and great-grandchildren.
Who can count the floors she scrubbed, the dinners she cooked, the birthday gifts she wrapped, the spelling words she listened to, the bedtime stories she read, the excuses she heard, the prayers she whispered to God each day?
Her arms have rocked generations of babies. Her hands have prepared countless "favorite" dishes. Her knees have knelt in prayer time and time again for those she loved. Her mouth has kissed owwies that hurt. Her back has bent to bathe dirty cowboys, pick up teens' clothes, gather flowers from her garden and grow old.
She has journeyed through life with its tears and laughter, watching yesterday's sunsets become tomorrow's sunrises of hope and promise. Because of her and the man who took her hand, family life and love continue through the generations.
When a mother blows out 75 candles,
blessed are they who surround her with their love. -=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=
YOU CONTROL YOUR THOUGHTS.
.- - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - -
------------------
Your life at any time can become difficult. Your life at any time can become easy. It all depends upon how you adjust to life. It's never the situation, it's your reaction to the situation.
The way you react to circumstances determines your feelings. Your quality of life is determined not by what life brings to you, but by the attitude you have towards life.
What happens to you is less significan't than what happens within you. You cannot always control your circumstances, but you can control your own thoughts.
It's not your position but your
disposition that matters.
.- - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - -
------------------
©1999 Written by: Mentor2006@aol.com
-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=
-=
Date: Thursday, May 06, 1999 11:06 AM Subject: local fees for long distance
e-mail
CNN reported that in the next two weeks, Congress is going to vote on allowing telephone companies to charge for Internet access. That means, every time we make a long distance e-mail we will receive a long-distance charge. This will get costly. Please visit the following web site AND complain. Complain to your Congressman. It's VERY EASY. Write your Congressman at:
http://www.house.gov/writerep <http://www.house.gov/writerep
Don't allow this to pass. Pass this on to your friends. It is urgent! I hope all of you will pass this on to all your friends and family. All of us have an interest in this one. PLEASE FORWARD TO EVERYONE YOU KNOW TODAY BEFORE IT IS TOO LATE!!Subject: Mind, response-Clancy, mother's day jokes. Date: Sun, 09 May 1999 12:42:26 -0700 From: Magic Mike B <mmb Organization: Magic, Photos, WAVs, Jokes, Recipes, and Links http://funandmagic.com/ To: you
Hi, Stop by and see NGC2266 at http://funandmagic.com/photolinks1.htm
. Lots of fun jokes and a very good response to Tom Clancy's thoughts of
Littleton. I saw the Chinese Vice President on China TV last night. It
is sad they are using the incident to stoke nationalism. For the second
day, they irresponsibly omitted the apologies of the NATO leaders for the
accidental mislabeling of the building as a target. The speech didn't convey
any of the apologies for the incident, and acted as if Western leaders
refused to offer any. Of course, their TV reports do not carry those leaders
speeches, nor do they report the war crimes of the Serbs. It is a arrogant
and dangerous way of stirring up anger, creating a lot of hard feelings
for many people to cope with. Today I am putting the serious stuff first,
and the jokes follow. I hope you can tell the difference. Have a magic
day. Magic Mike parlor.htm
-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=
The Dhammapada
III The Mind
v37 Putting a bridle on the wandering mind, single-mindedly the seeker halts his or her thoughts. They end the mind's darting waywardness and find peace.
v38 A troubled mind, however, does not see the way. If a person is ignorant and filled with doubt, he or she can never find the true path.
v39 But a concentrated mind, untroubled and calm, no longer struggling to judge between right and wrong but beyond judgments has no fear, for it understands.
v40 The seeker knows that the body is as fragile as a jar. By making the mind as firm as a fortress, wisdom and understanding will fight for him in every trial, guarding all that has been won.
v41 For soon the body will be cast aside and what will be its consciousness then? It will lie on the ground like a useless log of wood, without knowledge or feeling.
v42 Whatever an enemy may do, he cannot harm you as much as your own wrongly directed thoughts.
v43 But once you understand, no one -- neither your father nor mother -- can do as much good to you as your own well-directed thoughts.
(Thus ends the chapter, The Mind)
-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=
Subject: Re: writer Tom Clancy - bagwaji response Date: Sun, 9 May 1999
08:54:28 -0600 From: "Wayne Raske" <raske@usinternet.com
To: "Magic Mike B" <mmb
Tom Clancy has an interesting kind of right wing view of things, and I have to say, despite not owning any weapon that can be loaded in less than a minute and a half (was into black powder target shooting at one time), that his criticism of blaming the guns and the bombs for what two (or three or four, I understand the investigation is still going on) kids did with them. However, he then goes on to criticise "what we tell our kids" from a conservative perspective.
It's funny, but kids are very good at figuring out what we are REALLY telling them. Both my children and my grand children have been told by me that swearing is not a good thing, and both generations use the same swear words that I have not succeeded in eradicating from my own vocabulary. Kids know what we are REALLY telling them is what we do, not what we say. In that light, we need to also look at what society is saying to United States children.
Compared to the rest of the industrialized world, the children of the United States are:
1. the poorest. Not only do we have the most children in poverty, but our children in poverty have 1/3 less purchasing power than poor children in the other nations.
2. the most illerate. Also the least likely to attain full functional ability in math and science areas.
3. the most likely to become pregnant while children, and the least likely to gain really functional assistance from public or private agencies when they do;
4. the most likely to experience physical, emotional and sexual abuse;
5. the most likely to be incarcerated and the most likely to have a parent incarcerated during their formative years;
6. the least likely to have adequate health care;
7. the least likely to have two parents in the home or to have even two adults in the home sharing parenting responsibilities; and
8. the most likely to experience violence in schools, and on the street (we already mentioned the most likely to experience violence at home).
These items indicate what we are REALLY telling our children, Mr. Clancy, and it is small wonder that they have understood the message. It isn't that in our day (I confess to being middle aged, as is Mr. Clancy) people told us clear messages, it's that in our childhood the society as a whole had a proper priority of caring for children. While we have made some progress and regress in the development of social programs since we were children, at least in the past children were nowhere near the bottom of the priority list. The bottom line in the schools is that kids have to look out for and support each other, because no one else is doing it; and if the developing social conscience of children under the pressure of the REAL social messages leaves some children out in the cold, the outcasts see no reason to remain within any particular social bounds of behavior.
The result is a very slightly mitigated disaster that this country refuses to face; largely due to the popularity of a sound-bite style of conservatism that is doing the social fabric a disservice. While we are the nation with the most teen pregnancy, there are two former communist states where there is a higher rate of teen suicide and teen petty crime; and plenty of non-industrialized countries where there are far more serious issues relating to youth (check out the BBC website for a special on some of the problems relating to child labor, children as soldiers,etc).
There are as many religious schools as there were when Mr. Clancy and I were young. There is as much access to spiritual values, but those values have been perverted. The notion that a Christian (or any other religion's) leader in the 1950's and 1960's would have said that we are being too kind to the unfortunate and we should all go to the polls to stop the kindness that the government is extending would have been seen at the time as absurd. Now, such leaders are openly calling for such things in the name of morality. And this leadership in the spiritual world casts an illusory but effective cloak of respectability over those who enact this agenda in United States Politics. And the BIG problem, Mr. Clancy, is our children are listening.
-=-=-=-=-=--=-=--=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=
TOP 10 LIST OF WHAT MOMS REALLY WANT FOR MOTHER'S DAY
10. To be able to eat a whole candy bar (alone) and drink a Coke without any "floaters."
9. To have my 14-year-old answer a question without rolling her eyes in that "Why is this person my mother?" way.
8. Five pounds of chocolate that won't add twenty.
7. A shower without a child peeking through the curtain with a "Hi ya, Mom!" just as I put razor to my ankle.
6. A full-time cleaning person who looks like Brad Pitt.
5. For my teenager to announce, "Hey, Mom! I got a full scholarship and a job all in the same day!"
4. A grocery store that doesn't have candy/gum/cheap toys displayed at the checkout line.
3. To have a family meal without a discussion about bodily secretions.
2. To be able to step on a plane with my toddlers and not have some pencil-neck-yuppie-geek moan, "Oh, no! Why me?"
1. Four words: Fisher Price Play Prison
'-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=
Make your mother feel special by putting down your friends' mothers.
Your mama's so UGLY:
she looked out the window and got arrested for mooning. Rice Krispies won't talk to her. I can have sex with her in any position and its still doggy style. the last time she heard a whistle was when she got hit by a train. when she looks in the mirror, her pimples popped back in. on Halloween, people go as her. when she was born, the doctor slapped her mother. when she was born, her mom said, "What a treasure!" and her dad replied, "Yeah, let's go bury it." when I took her to the zoo, a guy at the door said, "Thanks for bringing her back." they filmed "Gorillas in the Mist" in her shower. her mom had to be drunk to breastfeed her. they knew what time she was born, because her face stopped the clock! when I see her, she reminds me of Taco Bell -- Run for the Border! she took your dog to the Canine Show and won ... your dog came in second. condom advocates wanted to use her as a poster child.
Your mama's so OLD:
she remembers the Grand Canyon when it was a ditch. her social security number is zero-zero-one. I told her to act her own age and the bitch died. the key on Ben Franklin's kite was to her apartment. she was a waitress at the Last Supper. when she reads the bible she reminisces. I found cave drawings of her.
Yo mama's so FAT:
when her beeper goes off, people think she's backing up. she had to go to Sea World to get baptized. the last time she saw 90210 was on a scale. the back of her neck looks like a pack of hot dogs. when she bends over we lose an hour of daylight. she walked past the TV and I missed 3 commercials. when she wears a red dress, kids run after her cuz they think it's the Kool Aid Man. when she wears a Malcolm X shirt, helicopters try to land on her. she shows up on radar. when she auditioned for Indiana Jones, she got the part of the big rolling ball. she couldn't star in Forrest Gump because she kept eating the box of chocolates. Willy freed her. she measures 36-24-36, and the other arm is just as big! she doesn't wear Daisy Dukes; she wears Boss Hoggs. cows graze by her for the shade. when she ran away, they had to use all four sides of the milk carton. she farted and put herself into orbit. her ass has got more meat than a freezer at Price-Costco. her ass looks like two pigs fighting over a Milk Dud.
Your mama's...
so poor, she can't afford to pay attention. so poor, when she goes to KFC, she has to lick other people's fingers. so poor, she hangs the toilet paper to dry. butt is so big, she's taller when she sits down. so hairy, she shaves with a weedwacker. nosehairs are so long, she can have them braided. armpits are so hairy, she looks like she got Buckwheat in a headlock. house is so small, you ordered a large pizza and had to eat it outside. house is so small, the front and back doors are on the same hinge. house is so dirty, I have to wipe my feet before I go outside. teeth are so yellow, I Can't Believe It's Not Butter. teeth are so yellow, traffic slows down when she smiles. breath is so bad, people look forward to her farts. so skinny, her nipples touch. has everything a man could want: muscles, a big chest, and a beard. like a screen door -- the more I bang her, the looser she gets. like the Pillsbury Dough Boy -- everyone gets a poke. like peanut butter -- smooth, creamy, and easy to spread. makes a great golf course, everyone gets a hole in one. like a shotgun: one cock and she blows. like a hardware store: four cents a screw. like a refrigerator, everyone puts their meat in her. like a bus -- guys climb on and off her all day long. like a Toyota: "Oh, what a feeling!" like Chinese food -- sweet, sour, and cheap. like a bowling ball -- you pick her up, finger her, throw her in the gutter and she still comes back for more. like a casino: licker in the front, poker in the back. so slutty, her legs are like a 7-11, open 24 hours a day. so slutty, she held a "Hands Across My Ass" charity drive. so slutty, I could have been your daddy, but the guy in line behind me had the correct change. so slutty, I could have been your daddy, but the dog beat me upstairs.-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=
-=-=-=-=-=-=-=
"You Know You're A Mom When..."
-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=
-=-=-
CAN YOU BELIEVE IT
NEVERSINK, N.Y. (AP) - No one could fault Sarah Curry's credentials for Mother of the Year. She had 21 children, and now dotes on 32 grandchildren. Mrs. Curry, who turns 60 this Friday, had 12 girls and nine boys, now ranging in age from 15 to 38. One child died several years ago of a rare blood disorder.
She was the most special Mother's Day guest Sunday for the ceremony at the Monticello Raceway, which sponsored the award. The harness horse racing track about 85 miles north of New York City held a party for her and one of the day's races was named in her honor -- the Sarah Curry Pace.
The family grew up in a big farmhouse, doubling up in beds. "Everybody knew what they had to do, everybody chipped in with the farm and the animals,'' Mrs. Curry said Sunday. She had lots of help from relatives living nearby while her husband, Raymond, worked for the New York City Water Department as a laborer at upstate reservoirs.
The experience of growing up with so many brothers and sisters scared most off the idea of having big families of their own. "Almost all of them say they are limiting their families to two children,'' Mrs. Curry said. "The girls especially are saying 'not that many kids for me.'''
Mrs. Curry's offspring all still live in the area and twice a year they hold family reunions.
Subject: Office and ambulance jokes, Jewish C&W songs, Shakespear, Mind, writer Tom Clancy Date: Sat, 08 May 1999 10:39:57 -0700 From: Magic Mike B <mmb Organization: Magic, Photos, WAVs, Jokes, Recipes, and Links http://funandmagic.com/ To: you
Hi, I have a LOT of good stuff for you today. Office and ambulance jokes, Jewish Country and Western songs, Shakespear and Philosophy jokes, some serious thoughts of Mind Teachings, and something from political action writer Tom Clancy on the Littleton shootings. Here is a great big pic of Mimas, one of the smaller moons of Saturn, showing one of the largest impact craters ever seen. . http://funandmagic.com/photolinks1.htm . Have a magic day and forward it on. Magic Mike parlor.htm
TOP 25 SAYINGS WE'D LIKE TO SEE ON THOSE OFFICE INSPIRATIONAL POSTERS
Rome did not create a great empire by having meetings, they did it by killing all those who opposed them.
If you can stay calm, while all around you is chaos... then you probably haven't completely understood the seriousness of the situation.
Doing a job RIGHT the first time gets the job done. Doing the job WRONG fourteen times gives you job security.
We put the "k" in "kwality."
Artificial Intelligence is no match for Natural Stupidity
A person who smiles in the face of adversity... probably has a scapegoat.
Plagiarism saves time.
If at first you don't succeed, try management.
Never put off until tomorrow what you can avoid altogether.
TEAMWORK... means never having to take all the blame yourself.
The beatings will continue until morale improves.
Never underestimate the power of very stupid people in large groups.
We waste time, so you don't have to.
Hang in there, retirement is only thirty years away!
Go the extra mile. It makes your boss look like an incompetent slacker.
A snooze button is a poor substitute for no alarm clock at all.
When the going gets tough, the tough take a coffee break.
INDECISION is the key to FLEXIBILITY.
Succeed in spite of management.
Aim Low, Reach Your Goals, Avoid Disappointment.
We waste more time by 8:00 in the morning than other companies do all day.
You pretend to work, and we'll pretend to pay you.
Work: It isn't just for sleeping anymore.-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=
-=-=
The Deteriorata
Go placidly amid the noise and the waste and remember what comfort there may be in owning a piece thereof.
Avoid quiet & passive persons unless you are in need of sleep. Rotate your tires. Speak glowingly of those greater than yourself & heed well their advice, even though they be turkeys; know what to kiss & when.
Consider that two wrongs never make a right, but that three do. Wherever possible, put people on hold. Be comforted that in the face of all aridity & disillusionment & despite the changing fortunes of time, there is always a big future in computer maintenance.
Remember the Pueblo. Strive at all times to bend, fold, spindle & mutilate. Know yourself; if you need help, call the FBI. Exercise caution in your daily affairs, especially with those persons closest to you -- that lemon on your left, for instance. Be assured that a walk through the ocean of most souls would scarcely get your feet wet. Fall not in love therefore; it will stick to your face.
Gracefully surrender the things of youth, birds, clean air, tuna, Taiwan; & let not the sands of time get in your lunch. Hire people with hooks. For a good time, call 555-4311; ask for Ken. Take heart amid the deepening gloom that your dog is finally getting enough cheese; & reflect that whatever misfortune may be your lot, it could only be worse in Milwaukee.
You are a fluke of the universe; you have no right to be here, & whether you can hear it or not, the universe is laughing behind your back.
Therefore make peace with your God whatever you conceive Him to be -- Hairy Thunderer or Cosmic Muffin.
With all its hopes, dreams, promises, & urban renewal, the world continues to deteriorate. Give up.
Why did the Clintons name their dog Buddy? Because you can't yell, "Come Spot" in the White House anymore.....-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=
-=-=-=-=-=-=-=
Each and every time he broke wind, the word honda would flutter from the
man's behind. Going to the doctor, he demonstrated this phenomenon which,
much to his surprise, didn't faze the doctor in the least. Going round
to the man's mouth, the physician found an abscessed tooth, which he promptly
pulled. At once the man's problem was solved. "That's amazing!"
said the patient. "But tell me, how did you know what to do?"
"Simple," answered the
doctor. "Everyone knows that abscess makes the fart go 'honda.' "
)
-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-
TOP 15 JEWISH COUNTRY-WESTERN SONGS Here are the top 15 Jewish C-W hits
of the '90s 1. "I was One of the Chosen People ('Til She Chose Somebody
Else)" 2. "Honkey Tonk Nights on the Golan Heights" 3. "I've
Got My Foot on the Glass; Where Are You? " 4. "My Rowdy Friend
Elijah's Comin' Over Tonight" 5. "New Bottle of Whiskey, Same
Old Testament" 6. "Stand by Your Mensch" 7. "Eighteen
Wheels and a Dozen Latkes" 8. "I Balanced Your Books, but You're
Breaking My Heart" 9. "My Darlin's a Schmendrick and I'm All
Verklempt" 10. "That Shiksa Done Made off with my Heart like
aGoniff" 11. "The Second Time She Said 'Shalom', I Knew She Meant
'Goodbye'" 12. "You're the Lox My Bagel's Been Missin'"
13. "You've Been Talkin' Hebrew in Your Sleep Since that Rabbi Came
to Town" 14. "Why Don't We Get Drunk - We're Jews!" 15.
"Mamas Don't Let Your Ungrateful Sons Grow Up to be Cowboys (When
They Could Very Easily Have Just Taken over the Family Hardware Business
that my Own Grandfather Broke his Back to Start and My Father Sweated over
for Years which Apparently Doesn't Mean Anything Now that You're Turning
Your Back on such a Gift)" -=-=-=-=-=-=-=-
Little Johnny is approached by the lifeguard at the public swimming pool.
"You're not allowed to pee in the pool," said the lifeguard. "I'm going to report you."
"But everyone pees in the pool," said Little Johnny.
"Maybe," said the lifeguard, "but not from the diving board!"-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=
-
Shakespearean Snafu's
"Of course, 'Romeo and Gertrude' is just a working title. I might be persuaded to change it for you, M'Lady."
"Shall I compare thee to a brick outhouse?"
"If I whispered in thine ear that thou hadst a body of beauty unknown but to the heavens, wouldst thou hold it against me?"
"Wouldst thou care to join me in forming the beast with two backs?"
"My heart, it pines, as my trousers tent."
"Without thine companionship, dear lady, I fearest I'd spend the evening with pen in hand, if thou knows what I mean."
"Hey, Baby, can Ophelia up?"
"Is this a dagger I see before me? Nay! I'm merely happy to cast eyes upon thy beauty!"
"Wouldst thou away to yon Motel 6 with me?"
"Do me, or not do me. THAT is the question."-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=
-
A Load Off My Mind
A clergyman, walking down a country lane, sees a young farmer struggling to load hay back onto a cart after it had fallen off.
"You look hot, my son," said the cleric. "Why don't you rest a moment, and I'll give you a hand."
"No thanks," said the young man. "My father wouldn't like it."
"Don't be silly," the minister said. "Everyone is entitled to a break. Come and have a drink of water."
Again the young man protested that his father would be upset. Losing his patience, the clergyman said, "Your father must be a real slave driver. Tell me where I can find him and I'll give him a piece of my mind!"
"Well," replied the young farmer, "he's under the load of hay."-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=
-=-=-=-= f
or those in the Emergency profession
You Know You've Been in EMS Too Long When:......
Your version of a slinky negligee is a sweatsuit with short sleeves. The word "Code" is now an unwelcome four-letter word in your vocabulary. When family emergencies are classified as: Code 1 - Not urgent but needs attention; Code 2 - Urgent and needs your attention now; Code 2 - Urgent and needs your attention ASAP. When SOB now means Shortness Of Breath, and not necessarily how you feel about a person. When you stop looking at clothing for fashion, and look at it for function and durability. When your spouse has his or her hands on you, and the reason is practicing Patient Assessment, and not passion. When you're doing Ambulance Duty time, and your only child doesn't recognize your voice on the phone. When you're doing Ambulance duty, and go home, your own dog won't let you into the family house, because it no longer recognizes you. When members of the opposite sex are on the same vehicle in various states of half-dress, and nobody notices enough to mention it, or be embarrassed. When the word "tone" doesn't refer to color, but that sound that sends your entire body into overdrive. When the colors red, white and blue bring to mind accident scenes, and then the American Flag. When "latex" no longer immediately brings to mind safe sex, but the gloves you wear. When it takes you longer to set up your gear and get into the shower, than it does to actually take the shower. When you take time off, you're more nervous than when you're "on duty." When "SHEETS" bring to mind where you record your patients' vital information, and not the linen that you make your bed with. When "PEARL" isn't something you wear around your neck, but is something you pray you'll see in your patient's eyes. When it becomes normal to drop your fork and run out on family meals, get-togethers, and company...and those left in your wake understand and continue, as this is perfectly normal behavior among civilized people. When family pets clear a path when they hear the tones go off, so they won't get mowed over, then greet you when you come home, forgiving you for doing just that. When you are asleep, and dream the tones are going off, and you wake up heading for the bedroom door in a full run, shoes on, radio in hand, and you don't even recall getting out of bed. When "TIME" means how long it took you to reach your patient's home instead of what hour of the day it is. When "RHYTHM" is a designation of heart function, and no longer a birth control method. When matters of the heart refer to CPR, and not romance. When "VENTILATE" means breathing for your patient, and not opening doors and windows. When caffeine becomes a SEDATIVE. When you shake a person's hand, and your first thought is "Great veins." When joules (pronounced "jewels") are not diamonds and emeralds, but the power rate on a Monitor/Defib unit. When "Circling the Drain" has nothing to do with water emptying from your bathtub or sink. When sticks aren't what fall from trees and litter your lawn, but what you do to a patient's veins. When hairline refers to a fracture, and not a concern for your barber. When reflective tape becomes a searched-for fashion plus. When artifact is something you see on a Monitor/Defib unit, and not an antique you find in a museum. When a motionless and silent child is no longer a desired sight. When a male purchases sanitary napkins, not for his wife, but for pressure dressings on his patients. When MAST refers to anti-shock pants, and not something that attaches the sails to your boat...which you no longer have time for anyway. When a "FIB" was bad to tell your mom, and now it's a bad rhythm for your patient. When you no longer watch sporting events to see the scores, but to see how the EMS people on-scene handle the trauma cases. When you realize just what is meant by "There is no sex in EMS"...and so does your significan't other. When "P.O." no longer necessarily means you are angry at something. When A&P isn't a grocery store's name anymore, but is Anatomy and Physiology to you. When "RADIAL" is where your patient's pulse is located, not what type tires are on your vehicle. When the "best funny line" expression about how cold your hands are finally results in one of your patients asking you, "And just how did you find out how cold a bull frog's butt is???" When the majority of your patients are no longer your parent's age, but are your own children's age. When you notice that your worst "Pre-EMS bad hair day" isn't even close to your very best "EMS hair day"...and neither you nor your partner mentions it or are embarrassed by it anymore. When you are traveling down the road in your car and reach a person on the cell phone and the first words out of your mouth tend to be, "We are presently enroute to your facility with..." You can finish a seven-course dinner before anyone else has touched their salad. You sleep fully dressed at home, just because you like to. The phone at home rings, and you put your shoes on. You have a pet name for your cardiac monitor. Your idea of a great dinner is one that's warm. Your spouse takes you to dinner at a nice restaurant and you tell the maitre'd that you'd like it fixed to go "just in case." You can type Med Control's phone number faster than your own...without looking. You know the patient's medical history better than they do. You drive better asleep than you do awake. You can eat spaghetti and meatballs while watching "The Texas Chainsaw Massacre." You wake up for a shift change and can't remember the calls you ran last night. You talk to your ambulance. You no longer get upset when someone calls you an "Ambulance Driver." Your idea of a good call is one that's cancelled while you're enroute. When starting your personal vehicle, you reach for the "Battery On" switch. Your home phone rings, you pick up the receiver and say, "911...What is your emergency?" You buy stock in Wendy's and McDonald's just to try and get the "shareholder's discount." Your Christmas wish list only includes items from Gall's, Bound Tree and Laerdal catalogues. You refer to "Rescue 911" as "Educational Television." Your spouse sleeps with their mouth open, and you see it as a great chance to practice your intubation technique. When every time you're a passenger in a POV, you call out, "Clear to the right!" at every intersection. (Thanks Doug) When you repeatedly catch yourself grabbing the front of the basket on your spouse's shopping cart and leading him/her throughout the shopping center/mall/etc. (Thanks "Crunch") The original "You know you've been in EMS too long" was first compiled by the EMT's of Community Ambulance of Dixmont, Maine.-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=
-=-=-=-
AND NOW FOR SOMETHING SERIOUS.
The Dhammapada
III The Mind
v33 As the bowman makes straight his arrows, so the wise one straightens his or her unsteady mind.
v34 This mind is like a fish out of water which thrashes and throws itself about, when thoughts try to shake off their cravings.
v35 Such a wandering mind is weak and unsteady, attracted here, there and everywhere. How good it is to control it and know the happiness of freedom.
v36 And yet how unruly still, how subtle the delusion of the thoughts. To quiet them and master them is the true way to happiness.-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=
-=-=-=-=
Almost exactly eight years ago I was at Walt Disney World in Florida, pushing a wheelchair occupied by a little boy of seven years who had already lost a leg to cancer and would, on Aug. 1 of that year, lose his life. I say this to let the reader know that I am aware of the fact that if there is something worse than the death of a child, I have yet to encounter it.
Fourteen kids and one adult are dead, and for no good reason. The horrid events in Littleton, Colo., last week cause us all first to wince, then to feel the loss of other parents and, last of all, to ask why it had to happen.
This last question cannot ever be answered with certainty. To look into another human heart is something none of us can really do. We can only guess and hope that something like this stays a long way away from our own families. This does not, however, stop people from taking this incident and using it as fodder for their own political views.
The first and most predictable reactors to this event were the gun-control advocates. It had to be the guns' fault, they said even before the last sad echoes faded. (The two alleged criminals also used explosive devices; why not do away with chemistry class in addition to toughening up gun-control laws?) The media dutifully reported this view, because they, as a rule, follow the can't of the political left, because for the news media the Constitution starts and ends with the 1st Amendment and not even all of that.
"Congress," this part of the Constitution says, "shall pass no law respecting an establishment of religion," and then it goes on to protect the press, freedom of speech and assembly. This first entry in the Bill of Rights is taught to kids in school as freedom of religion. Yet current political culture twists it into freedom from religion. The political left bridles at the mere recitation of a single prayer in public schools. Why? Well, it offends some of those among us who choose not to believe in God, and since those people may be offended (especially the noisy ones), this small minority is able to impose its views on the majority, and to do so with the blessing--nay the advocacy--of the "progressive" elements of our political culture.
I suppose my first reaction is, what's the big deal? If atheists don't believe, what possible interest could they have in the words of those who do? Oh, yeah, the kids of parents who choose not to believe can't be exposed to a contrary outlook, lest they be polluted by it. We can't have the public schools inculcating belief in something like that--and we don't.
Instead we have schools promoting "value-neutral" can't. Modern school books tell kids that stealing, for example, is wrong, not because it's "wrong," but rather because after stealing you might feel badly about it later on. Better, isn't it, to let kids mush along with their own subculture and figure things out for themselves, albeit with the help of rap music and Web sites about Adolf Hitler?
I never attended public schools. My parents sent me to Catholic ones, where education in religion was part of the curriculum, and along with that came a few simple rules: killing and stealing were out. Why? Because they were wrong. A simple bit of advice for a child to absorb, and evidently effective. Nobody shot up St. Matthew Elementary School while I was there--and back then gun-control laws were far more lax than they are now. Crime was also a far more rare event.
There's a lot more to it than that, of course, but the simple fact is that the political left has assumed ownership of the rules of contemporary society. They have replaced right and wrong with something else, and one result of this is that there were no people to take the two adolescent shooters in Littleton aside and say, "Hey, guys, this Hitler chap you talk about, he was not much of a role model, and, by the way, whatever problems you may have with your schoolmates, we can work on that, and maybe if you change a little, they will, too, and whatever feelings of rejection you have will fade away in a relatively short period of time."
But nobody intervened, and evidently nobody told these two misguided kids that some things are objectively wrong. Perhaps too many public schoolteachers do not view morals instruction as being within their professional purview. Perhaps their union disapproves of prayers and morality-teaching as much as the ACLU does. Maybe it was their parents' fault, maybe the fault of many segments of society. The final score is dismally simple: These two boys did what they did because nobody told them convincingly that to do so was horribly wrong.
So maybe, just maybe, we can allow public schools to tell kids that some things are just plain wrong? The problem with that is that our ideas of right and wrong ultimately come from a source higher than government. And to say such a thing would offend atheists. But if you remove something and fail to replace it with something else, there will be a downstream effect.
These two kids used guns and some homemade explosives. In the former case, let's try to remember that guns are inanimate objects. They do not leap up and operate on their own accord. A person, misguided or not, has to do that. The person may be motivated by greed, hatred or madness, and in some cases there is nothing we can do about the wishes of that human heart. But in some cases we can, if we think a little about what ideas we trouble ourselves to teach our children. It is neither difficult nor particularly offensive to instruct children in the better reasons rather than casting them adrift to find the worse ones on their own untutored accord. - - - Tom Clancy's Latest Novel Is "Rainbow Six" (Putnam, 1998
Subject: Io and shadow, The TOP 10 Things We Want To Hear Samuel L. Jackson say in the Star Wars Prequel Date: Fri, 07 May 1999 10:23:09 -0700 From: Magic Mike B <mmb Organization: Magic, Photos, WAVs, Jokes, Recipes, and Links http://funandmagic.com/ To: you
Hi, Thank someone it's Friday. Here
is a stunning pic of Io, and it's shadow, against Jupiter. I'd use LView,
on my Utility Page, to turn it sideways. http://funandmagic.com/photolinks1.htm
. The new Star Wars movie is about to show. Here are some things you won't
hear. Have a magic day and forward it. Magic Mike parlor.htm
-=-=-=-=-=-=--=-=-=-=-=
The TOP 10 Things We Want To Hear Samuel L. Jackson say in the Star Wars
Prequel:
10. You don't need to see my goddamn
identification, 'cause these ain't the motherf*ckin' droids you're looking
for. 9. Womp rat may taste like pumpkin pie, but I'll never know, 'cause
I'd never touch the filthy motherf*cker. 8. This is your father's lightsaber.
When you absolutely, positively, have to kill every motherf*ckin' stormtrooper
in the room ... accept no substitutes. 7. If Obi-wan ain't home then I
don't know what the f*ck we're gonna do. I ain't got no other connections
on Tatooine. 6. Feel the Force, motherf*cker. 5. "What" ain't
no planet I've ever heard of! Do they speak Bocce on "What"?
4. You sendin' the Fett? Shit, Hutt, that's all you had to say! 3. Yeah,
Chewie's got a hair problem. What the brother gonna do? He's a Wookie.
2. Does Jabba the Hutt look like a bitch? Then why are you tryin' to fuck
him like one? 1. Hand me my lightsaber... it's the one that says, "Bad
Mother F*cker." -=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=
RELATIONSHIPS
One woman to another at a singles
bar: "I'm not as optimistic about relationships as I once was. These
days, when I meet a man, I ask myself, 'Is this the guy I want my children
to spend every other weekend with?'"
-=---=-=-=---==-=-=
THE COMMITMENT PROBLEM
The commitment problem has caused
many women to mistakenly conclude that men, as a group, have the emotional
maturity of hamsters. This is not the case. A hamster is much more capable
of making a lasting commitment to a woman, especially if she gives it those
little food pellets. Whereas a guy, in a relationship, will consume the
pellets of companionship, and he will run on the exercise wheel of lust,
but as soon as he senses that the door of commitment is about to close
and trap him in the wire cage of true intimacy, he'll squirm out, scamper
across the kitchen floor of uncertainty and hide under the refrigerator
of non-Readiness. --Dave Barry
-=-=-=--=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-
OUR RELATIONSHIP
With graduation, the couple would each be returning to their own home towns, and while they were crushed together in a passionate embrace, he decided to tell her that he had made up his mind to dump her since they lived thousands of miles apart. "Honey," he said "I want you to know that I think you're a wonderful person, but as far as I'm concerned our relationship can go no further."
"Why what do you mean?" she asked. "I thought you were serious."
"Well, to be honest," he went on, "you're more like a sister to me."
"My GOD!" she murmured,
"what a home life you must have!!!"
-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-==
6-YEAR-OLD SEXUAL HARRASSER
A6 year old boy was suspended from his elementary school for sexual harassment -- apparently for kissing a schoolmate girl on the cheek.
After reading this item, our local
DJ added: "The good news is; the girl has tested negative for cooties."
-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=--
QUIPS & QUOTES
The C Programming Language -- A language which combines the flexibility of assembly language with the power of assembly language.
President Thieu says he'll quit if he doesn't get more than 50% of the vote. In a democracy, that's not called quitting. --The Washington Post
Stop searching. Happiness is right next to you.
Reality is an obstacle to hallucination.
Is it possible that software is not like anything else, that it is meant to be discarded: that the whole point is to always see it as a soap bubble?
Everyone can be taught to sculpt: Michelangelo would have had to be taught how not to. So it is with the great programmers.
The light at the end of the tunnel is the headlight of an approaching train.
College football is a game which would be much more interesting if the faculty played instead of the students, and even more interesting if the trustees played. There would be a great increase in broken arms, legs, and necks, and simultaneously an appreciable diminution in the loss to humanity. --H.L. Mencken
"Contrariwise," continued Tweedledee, "if it was so, it might be, and if it were so, it would be; but as it isn't, it ain't. That's logic!" --Lewis Carroll, "Through the Looking Glass"
Humor is a drug which it's the fashion to abuse. --William Gilbert
A day for firm decisions!!!!! Or is it?
Anoint, v.: To grease a king or other great functionary already sufficiently slippery. --Ambrose Bierce, "The Devil's Dictionary"
The revolution will not be televised.
No problem is so large it can't be fit in somewhere.
Elevators smell different to midgets.
Noncombatant, n.: A dead Quaker. --Ambrose Bierce
Life is a yo-yo, and mankind ties knots in the string.
Trying to be happy is like trying to build a machine for which the only specification is that it should run noiselessly.
Basic, n.: A programming language. Related to certain social diseases in that those who have it will not admit it in polite company.
If I kiss you, that is a psychological interaction. On the other hand, if I hit you over the head with a brick, that is also a psychological interaction.
The difference is that one is friendly and the other is not so friendly. The crucial point is if you can tell which is which. --Dolph Sharp, "I'm OK, You're Not So Hot"
Children aren't happy without something to ignore, And that's what parents were created for. --Ogden Nash
Did you know ... That no-one ever reads these things?
UFO's are for real: the Air Force doesn't exist.
The trouble with being poor is that it takes up all your time.
The difference between a misfortune and a calamity? If Gladstone fell into the Thames, it would be a misfortune. But if someone dragged him out again, it would be a calamity. --Benjamin Disraeli
Who made the world I cannot tell; 'Tis made, and here am I in hell. My hand, though now my knuckles bleed, I never soiled with such a deed. --A.E. Housman
Today is the first day of the rest of the mess.
Really?? What a coincidence, I'm shallow too!!
One planet is all you get.
Jones's First Law: Anyone who makes a significan't contribution to any field of endeavor, and stays in that field long enough, becomes an obstruction to its progress -- in direct proportion to the importance of their original contribution.
The right half of the brain controls the left half of the body. This means that only left handed people are in their right mind.
Honesty pays, but it doesn't seem to pay enough to suit some people. --F.M. Hubbard
Do molecular biologists wear designer genes?
Violence is the last refuge of the incompetent. --Salvor Hardin
Laetrile is the pits.
You possess a mind not merely twisted, but actually sprained.
According to my best recollection, I don't remember. --Vincent "Jimmy Blue Eyes" Alo -=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-Subject: Last Wave Date: Thu, 06 May 1999 13:02:09 -0700 From: Magic Mike B <mmb Organization: Magic, Photos, WAVs, Jokes, Recipes, and Links http://funandmagic.com/ To: you
Hi, Stop by for the last of The Wave pics at http://funandmagic.com/photolinks1.htm .Send jokes and links! Have a magic day. Magic Mike parlor.htm A wife went in to see a therapist and said, "I've got a big problem, Doc. Every time we're in bed and my husband climaxes, he lets out this earsplitting yell."
"My dear," the shrink said, "that's completely natural. I don't see what the problem is."
"The problem is," she complained, "It wakes me up!"-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=
-
The Joys of Cooking
Two confirmed bachelors sat talking, their conversation drifted from politics to cooking.
"I got a cookbook once," said one, "but I could never do anything with it."
"Too much fancy work in it, eh?" asked the other.
"You said it. Every one of the recipes began the same way - 'Take a clean dish...'"
-=-=-=-=-=-=-=
Three Daughters A mother had three daughters and on their wedding day,
she would ask each of them to write home and tell her about their married
life.
The first wrote back on the second day after she got married. The letter arrived with only a single message, "Maxwell Coffeehouse." The Mother was confused at first, but finally noticed a Maxwell coffee ad on a newspaper, and it said; "Satisfaction, to the last drop..." So, the Mother was happy.
Then the second daughter got married and after a week she sent home a letter. There was only one message, it read; "Rothmans." So the Mother looked for a Rothmans' ad, and it says; "LIFE SIZE, KING SIZE." The Mother was happy.
After the third daughter got married, the Mother was anxious to receive a message from her baby. It took 4 weeks for a message to arrive. When it did the message simply said "BRITISH AIRWAYS." The Mother was concerned. She frantically looked through all the newspapers at home for a British Airways ad. She finally found one and fainted.
The ad read: "TWO TIMES A DAY,
SEVEN DAYS A WEEK, BOTH WAYS." ****************************** ******************
**************
A Texan Man
A Texan went to Chicago and thought he would buy a new "city" outfit He went into Marshall Fields and when asked by a sweet young woman if She could help him answered, "Yes ma'am. Ya see, I'm from Texas and I want to buy a complete outfit."
Well, her eyes lit up as she asked, "Where would you like to start?"
"Well, ma'am, how about a suit?"
"Yes, sir ... what size?"
"Size 53 ... tall, ma'am."
"Wow ... that's really big."
"Yes, ma'am ... they really grow them big in Texas."
"What's next?" she asked.
He replied, "How's about some shoes?"
"What size?"
"Size 15 ... double D."
"Wow ... that's really big!"
"Yes, ma'am ... they really grow them big in Texas."
"What's next?"
"Well ... I reckon I'll need a shirt."
"Yes, sir ... what size?"
"Nineteen and a half ... 38," he replied.
"Wow ... that's really big!"
"Yes, ma'am ... they really grow them big in Texas."
"Will there be anything else?" she crooned.
"Yes, ma'am, I spect I'll need a hat."
"Yes, sir, what size?"
"Nine and five-eighths."
"Wow ... that's really big!"
"Yes, ma'am ... they really grow them big in Texas."
She virtually glowed as she asked, "Whew... is there anything else I can do for you?"
"No ma'am , I reckon that will be all."
Well, the sweet woman tallied up his bill and as the Texan was counting out his money ... she asked, "Sir could I ask you a... well, a question?"
"Yes, ma'am, I already know what it is ... and the answer is ... .... 4 inches."
She is astonished and blurts out, "Why, my boyfriend is bigger than that!"
Without so much as a stutter, the
Texan replied, "Across, ma'am?"
-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=
TOP 15 LEAST EFFECTIVE DATING TIPS
15. Have state troopers extend the invitation for that all-important first date.
14. Be sure to point out the "Blimp Effect" of those horizontal stripes she's wearing.
13. Ask, "You're not allergic to latex, are you?"
12. Don't let him skip out by claiming to go to the bathroom -- follow him.
11. Before asking for the waiter's phone number, borrow a buck from your date for a tip.
10. On your first golf date, ask her if she'll help you look for the real killers.
9. If she still lives with her parents, give her dad your bail bondsman's business card, "just in case."
8. Ask politely if your date minds waiting in the car while you talk to your Parole Officer.
7. If she's a dog lover, skip the goodnight kiss and just lick her face.
6. Nothing says "I like you" like a big hunk of headcheese.
5. Ask the waiter for a table in the "PMS Section."
4. Properly stimulated, the inner lip of the nostril, or the "Labia Nostrum," is a highly erogenous zone.
3. Red wine for dumpster meals, white for road kill.
2. "How do I love thee? Let me belch the ways."
1. Never try to impress your date with snot sculptures unless you have enough mucous to finishSubject: Redneck Logic, This Won't Hurt, Police Comeback Lines Date: Wed, 05 May 1999 10:50:59 -0700 From: Magic Mike B <mmb Organization: Magic, Photos, WAVs, Jokes, Recipes, and Links http://funandmagic.com/ To: you
Hi, Isn't it hard to believe it
is May 1999 already? Here is another great Wave pic from SE Arizona, Coyote
Buttes. http://funandmagic.com/photolinks1.htm . Here are some yuks to get you
over Wednesday. Have a magic day. Forward it. Magic Mike parlor.htm -=-=-=-=-=-=-===-=
Q: What do you call a Serbian prostitute? A: Sloberdown Mydickyoubitch.
Q: What happened to the Polish rocketship? A: At five hundred feet, it ran out of coal.
Q. What has 18 legs and 2 tits? A. The Supreme Court.
Q. What is the difference between
a blonde and a computer? A. You only have to put information into a computer
once.
-=-=--=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=
Dictionary Of Dating
DATING: The process of spending enormous amounts of money, time, and energy to get better acquainted with a person whom you don't especially like in the present and will learn to like a lot less in the future.
EASY: A term used to describe a woman who has the morals of a man.
EYE CONTACT: A method utilized by a single woman to communicate to a man that she is interested in him. Despite being advised to do so, many women have difficulty looking a man directly in the eyes, not necessarily due to the shyness, but usually due to the fact that a woman's eyes are not located in her chest.
FRIEND: A member of the opposite sex in your acquaintance who has some flaw which makes sleeping with him/her totally unappealing.
INDIFFERENCE: A woman's feeling towards a man, which is interpreted by the man as "playing hard to get."
IRRITATING HABIT: What the endearing little qualities that initially attract two people to each other turn into after a few months together.
NYMPHOMANIAC: A man's term for a woman who wants to do it more often than he does.
SOBER: A condition in which it is almost impossible to fall in love.
ATTRACTION: The act of associating horniness with a particular person.
LOVE AT 1st SIGHT: What occurs when two extremely horny, but not entirely choosy people meet.
LAW OF RELATIVITY: How attractive
a given person appears to be is directly proportionate to how unattractive
your date is.
-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=
(oldie, but a funny) Redneck Logic
Two rednecks decided they weren't going anywhere in life and thought they should go to college to get ahead. The first goes in to see the counselor, who tells him to take Math, History, and Logic.
"What's logic?" the first redneck asks.
The professor answers by saying, "Let me give you an example. Do you own a weedeater?"
"I sure do."
"Then I can assume, using logic, that you have a yard," replied the professor.
"That's real good!" says the redneck.
The professor continues, "Logic will also tell me that since you have a yard, you also own a house."
Impressed, the redneck says, "Amazin!"
"And since you own a house, logic dictates that you have a wife."
"That's Betty Mae! This is incredible!" The redneck is obviously catching on.
"Finally, since you have a wife, logically I can assume that you are heterosexual," said the professor.
"You're absolutely right! Why that's the most fascinatin' thing I ever heard! I cain't wait to take that logic class!" The redneck, proud of the new world opening up to him, walks back into the hallway where his friend is still waiting.
"So what classes are ya takin'?" asks the friend.
"Math, History, and Logic!" replies the first redneck.
"What in tarnation is logic?" asks his friend.
"Let me give you an example. Do ya own a weedeater?" asks the first redneck.
"No," his friend replies.
"Yer QUEER, ain't ya?"
-=-=-=-=-=-=-
George
"George is so forgetful," the sales manager complained to his secretary. "It's a wonder he can sell anything. I asked him to pick me up some sandwiches on his way back from lunch, and I'm not sure he'll even remember to come back."
Just then the door flew open, and in bounced George. "You'll never guess what happened!" he shouted. "While I was at lunch, I met Old Man Brown, who hasn't bought anything from us for five years. Well, we got to talking and he gave me this half-million dollar order!"
"See," sighed the sales
manager to his secretary. "I told you he'd forget the sandwiches."_______________________________________
________________
This Won't Hurt
-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-
A little dwarf lady goes into her doctor's office complaining of an irritated crotch. After an examination the doctor sighs, "I don't seem to see any problem. Does it get better or worse at any time?"
"Yeah, it's really bad whenever it rains," she replies.
"Well, then," says the Doc, "Next time it rains, get in here at once, and we'll take another look at it."
Two weeks later its raining really hard, and the little lady shows up at the doctor's office. "Doctor, it's really bad today. Please you have to help me!!"
"Well, let's have a look," he says as he lifts her up onto the table.
"Oh, yes, I think I see the problem. Nurse bring me a surgical kit. Don't worry ma'am this won't hurt a bit."
The dwarf lady closes her eyes in painful anticipation. The doctor begins snipping away and finishes a few minutes later. "There you go, ma'am, try that."
She walks back and forth around the office and exclaims, "That's great, Doc, what did you do?!"
To which the doctor replied, "I
just took a couple of inches off the top of your rain boots."
_______________________________________
_____________ Top 10 Police Comeback Lines
-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=
-=-=-=-=-=-
1. I'm sorry Ma'am, but with the unlicensed gun in your purse plus the DWI, you ARE a real criminal.
2. Hey John, get out of the cruiser and come over here to say "Thank You." We stopped the guy who pays OUR salary!
3. Yeah, I do have bank robbers to catch, but that might be dangerous, so I'm going to play it safe and write you this ticket.
4. Hurry it up? Sure, I'll just go back to the cruiser and write the citation. Do you have food and water in the car? This shouldn't take more than six hours.
5. Do you know why I stopped you, or do you THINK like you Drive?
6. What do you mean I won't believe you? Just because you've got three kilos of smack and two bodies in the trunk doesn't mean there isn't a perfectly reasonable explanation.
7. No, you've got that WRONG. I'm even TOUGHER without the badge and gun.
8. Of course you didn't DO it. You just happened to start your wind sprints in front of the department store, the VCR is extra weight, and the security guards were providing MOTIVATION.
9. She STARTED it? That's the best you can do? My four-year-old does better than that when I ask why his sister is crying.
10. HAVE A NICE DAY.-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=
=
HOPE
If you can look at the sunset and smile, then you still have hope.
If you can find beauty in the colors of a small flower, then you still have hope.
If you can find pleasure in the movement of a butterfly, then you still have hope.
If the smile of a child can still warm your heart, then you still have hope.
If you can see the good in other people, then you still have hope.
If the rain breaking on a roof top can still lull you to sleep, then you still have hope.
If the sight of a rainbow still makes you stop and stare in wonder, then you still have hope.
If the soft fur of a favored pet still feels pleasant under your fingertips, then you still have hope.
If you meet new people with a trace of excitement and optimism, then you still have hope.
If you give people the benefit of a doubt, then you still have hope.
If you still offer your hand in friendship to others that have touched your life, then you still have hope.
If receiving an unexpected card or letter still brings a pleasant surprise, then you still have hope.
If the suffering of others still fills you with pain and frustration, then you still have hope.
If you refuse to let a friendship die, or accept that it must end, then you still have hope.
If you look forward to a time or place of quiet and reflection, then you still have hope.
If you still buy the ornaments, put up the Christmas tree or cook the turkey, then you still have hope.
If you still watch love stories or want the endings to be happy, then you still have hope.
If you can look to the past and smile, then you still have hope.
If, when faced with the bad, when told everything is futile, you can still look up and end the conversation with the phrase... "yeah....BUT.." then you still have hope
Hope is such a marvelous thing. It bends, it twists, it sometimes hides, but rarely does it break. It sustains us when nothing else can. It gives us reason to continue and courage to move ahead, when we tell ourselves we'd rather give in.
Hope puts a smile on our face when the heart cannot manage. Hope puts our feet on the path when our eyes cannot see it. Hope moves us to act when our souls are confused of the direction.
Hope is a wonderful thing, something
to be cherished and nurtured, and something that will refresh us in return.
And it can be found in each of us, and it can bring light into the darkest
of places. Never lose hope
-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-==
If The World Were Blind
If the world was blind, maybe then we'd see the true side of beauty, deep within you and me.
No one could judge us by our outer looks, like the fancy covers on expensive books.
We'd see with our hearts, and not just our eyes, and what we discover might be a surprise.
There would be no need to try to impress, with the way we look, or the way that we dress.
The only thing that would matter is the way we would feel, not phoney or cheap, but truthful and real.
"If you care for someone give them always a safe place to cry and never a reason to need it."
Subject: Monday Date: Mon, 03 May 1999 10:54:06 -0700 From: Magic Mike B <mmb Organization: Magic, Photos, WAVs, Jokes, Recipes, and Links http://funandmagic.com/ To: you Hi, Happy Monday. Hope you have a good week ahead. Here is a pic that is a real beaut, a butte. http://funandmagic.com/photolinks1.htm . I saw off my Firesign buddies last night, as they left Seattle for 2 days of writing, for their new CD. I gave them a copy of a spoof I wrote and produced in early 1969, my senior year at Penn State, called The Adventures Of Super Stater. Ten episodes of a Firesign-like serial, before I ever heard of them, that was aired on WDFM from January to April 1969. I was then amazed to learn that Phil Proctor's wife, Melinda was THERE at Penn State in the Summer of 1969, while I was still on the air. I graduated after Summer because of my internship the previous year at KDKA. It's a small world. Speaking of which, I have been having a deep, online friendship with a woman in China who called me out of the blue one night in February on a random ICQ call. We chat for hours a day free on netmeeting with mics and cameras. I had an ESP flash that she would call from China, and had just recently enabled random ICQ chat so she could. Other ESP "flashes" I had recently were, school rampage (2 days before ( I was a DJ there in 1975)), earthquake in Turkey and on Western coast of South America (day before), story in paper about cell rejuvenation of bone and organ tissues (1 day), The Train They Call The City Of New Orleans wreck ( 2 days), bank hold-up shoot out in Seattle (2 days). It's amazing what you can hear if you listen. I just put up a bunch of new links at the Links page, so stop in there. http://funandmagic.com/links.html . Have a magic day. Feel free to forward, Magic Mike parlor.htm
-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=
-=-=-=
Want A Real Women? Pick A Redhead!
How do you get a redhead to argue with you? Say something
How do you get a redhead's mood to change? Wait 10 seconds
If you love a Redhead, set her free ... if she follows you everywhere you go, pitches a tent in your front lawn and puts your new girlfriend in the hospital, she's yours.
What's safer: a redhead or a piranha? The piranha. They only attack in schools.
How do you know a guy at the beach has a redhead for a girlfriend? She has scratched "stay off MY TURF!" on his back with her nails.
What do you call a Redhead with an attitude? Normal
What does a redhead, an anniversary, and a toilet have in common? Men always miss them.
What do you call a woman who knows where her husband is every night? A redhead!
How do you know when your redhead has forgiven you? She stops washing your clothes in the toilet bowl
How do you know when a redhead has been using a computer? There's a hammer embedded in the monitor
Only two things are necessary to keep a redhead happy. One is to let her think she is having her own way, and the other is to let her have it.
-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=
A group of Sisters from a local convent were out for their Sunday bicycle
ride through the suburbs. They were quite a sight: seven in a row on one
of those seven-seater tandem bicycles, headed, of course by the Mother
Superior.
They went over a speed bump. In unison, they all let out an excited "Oooooo!"
The Mother Superior turned around and looked at them sternly. She admonished the nuns, "Sisters! You must quiet down ... "
They went over another bump. Again, they sighed "Ooooo!"
The Mother Superior turned around and warned, "Sisters, please! You're making a spectacle out of us!"
And another bump ... "Oooooo!"
The Mother Superior turned around and gruffly threatened, "Sisters, this is your last warning. One more 'Oooo' out of any of you and we're going to have to put the seats back on.
-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=
-=-=-
It was decided to teach sex education in school and the principal chose
his favorite teacher's second grade class as a trial.
The teacher showed the film, read the material to her students, then asked if anyone had questions.
One little boy held up his hand and shyly said, "Teacher, I have a boy dog and he jumps over the fence and wrestles with this girl dog and she has puppies. Is this sex?" The teacher replied, "Yes, that's sex."
A little girl raised her hand and asked, "Teacher, I have a girl cat and there's a boy cat that jumps on her out in the yard and they wrestle. Then she has kittens. Is that sex?" The teacher said, "Yes, that's sex."
A second little boy raised his hand and blurted, "Teacher, the other night I saw a movie where three guys wrestled with John Wayne. Is that sex?" The teacher shook her head and said, "No, that was not sex!"
The little boy replied, "Whew! I thought it would take more than three guys to screw John Wayne!"
-=--=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=
-=-=
A little boy came home from school one day and said to his father, "
Dad, what can you tell me about politics? I have to learn about it for
school tomorrow." The father thought about it and said, "OK,
son, the best way I can describe politics is to use an analogy. Lets say
that I'm capitalism because I'm the breadwinner. Your mother will be government
because she controls everything, our maid will be the working class because
she works for us, you will be the people because you answer to us, and
your baby brother will bee the future. Does that help any?" The little
boy said, "Well, Dad, I don't know, but I'll think about what you
said." Later that night, after everyone had gone to bed, the little
boy was woken up by his brother's crying. Upon further investigation ,
he found a dirty diaper. So, he went down the hall to his parents room
and found his father's side of the bed empty and his mother wouldn't wake
up. Then he saw a light on in the guest room down the hall, and when he
reached the door, he saw through the crack that his father was in bed with
the maid. Because he couldn't do anything else, he turned and went back
to bed. The next morning, he said to his father at the breakfast table,
" Dad, I think I understand politics much better now." "Excellent,
my boy," he answered, "What have you learned?" The little
boy thought for a minute and said, "I learned that capitalism is screwing
the working class, while the government is sound asleep and ignoring the
people, and the future's full of shit." parlor.htm
Subject: BE CAREFUL 9/9/99 !!!!! Date: Sun, 02 May 1999 11:29:56 -0700 From: Magic Mike B <mmb Organization: Magic, Photos, WAVs, Jokes, Recipes, and Links http://funandmagic.com/ To: you <you
Bumper Sticker:: Hang up and drive.
Hi, How are you this day, in May?
My Pic for your wallpaper is On The Crest of The Wave, by Scott Walton.
Firesign Theater's Phil Proctor admitted to me the PhotoLink page is his
favorite. I hope it's yours' too! http://funandmagic.com/photolinks1.htm I have
another important date that you must be aware of the possible dangers!!!!!
Sept., 9th !!!! 9/9/99 = 9999 and many computer programs use a string of
nines to mean end of program!! I saw this on TV last night. I have not
heard of what to check, to protect your computer. Also, it COULD cause
world-wide problems. Some more Virus alerts below, not as serious. Have
a magic day and feel free to pass and forward it on! Magic Mike parlor.htm
-
=-=-=-=
Virus Alert!
IMELDA MARCOS VIRUS: Sings you a song (slightly off key) on boot up, then subtracts money from your Quicken account and spends it all on expensive shoes it purchases through Prodigy.
STAR TREK VIRUS: Invades your system in places where no virus has gone before.
HEALTH CARE VIRUS: Tests your system for a day, finds nothing wrong, and sends you a bill for $4,500.
GEORGE BUSH VIRUS: It starts by boldly stating, "Read my docs....No new files!" on the screen. It proceeds to fill up all the free space on your hard drive with new files, then blames it on the Congressional Virus.
CLEVELAND INDIANS VIRUS: Makes your Pentium MMX 200 machine perform like a 286/AT.
LAPD VIRUS: It claims it feels threatened by the other files on your PC and erases them in "self defense."
CHICAGO CUBS VIRUS: Your PC makes frequent mistakes and comes in last in the reviews, but you still love it.
ORAL ROBERTS VIRUS - Claims that if you don't send it a million dollars, it's programmer will take it back. -=-=-=-=-=-=-= TOP TEN REASONS GOD CREATED EVE
# 10. God worried that Adam would always be lost in the garden because men hate to ask directions.
# 9. God knew that Adam would one day need someone to hand him the TV remote. (Men don't want to see what's on television, they want to see WHAT ELSE is on!)
# 8. God knew that Adam would never buy a new fig leaf when his seat wore out and would therefore need Eve to get one for him.
# 7. God knew that Adam would never make a doctor's appointment for himself.
# 6. God knew that Adam would never remember which night was garbage night.
# 5. God knew that if the world was to be populated, men would never be able to handle childbearing.
# 4. As "Keeper of the Garden," Adam would never remember where he put his tools.
# 3. The scripture account of creation indicates Adam needed someone to blame his troubles on when God caught him hiding in the garden.
# 2. As the Bible says, "It is not good for man to be alone!"
And the number one reason God created Eve...
# 1. When God finished the creation of Adam, He stepped back, scratched His head and said, "I KNOW I can do better than that!"-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=
a sign on a Maternity Room Door: -"Push, Push, Push-
------------------
What's the new game in the White House? Swallow the Leader!
-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=
Two eskimos were paddling in their kayak along the Alaskan coastline. They
were out for a long time, and they started to get cold. During one of their
breaks they lit a fire to warm up, but tragically their kayak caught fire
and they drowned.
Moral of the story... you can't
have your kayak and heat it too. -
=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=
He was an inventor of note. He created a big shoe with a phone in the heel.
Now, he thought, he could use a phone whenever he wanted. He made several
more so that he could have several shoes with phones in the house. One
day, an emergency came up and he needed a phone bad. Wouldn't you believe
it, he couldn't find a single phone boot.
Subject: Great debate, public bathroom humor, more cajun, daily pump-up Date: Sat, 01 May 1999 09:36:40 -0700 From: Magic Mike B <mmb Organization: Magic, Photos, WAVs, Jokes, Recipes, and Links http://funandmagic.com/ To: "Magic Mike's Magic Mailout" <"Magic Mailouts"
Hi, Today see On the Way to the
Wave, by Kerry Thalmann- PhotoTripUSA. http://funandmagic.com/photolinks1.htm
. I had a bite with The Firesign Theater last night after their Seattle
show. They are preparing to take their stage show to B'way next year, and
they will produce a new album this year. I hope they get another chance
at a Grammy. The new album will put off a East Coast tour until the end
of the year or next. Have a magic day, and feel free to forward this along.
Magic Mike parlor.htm Q - What did the waiter ask the group of dining Jewish
mothers? A - "Is ANYTHING all right?"
-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-
About 1,800 years ago, the Pope decided that all the Jews had to leave
Rome. Naturally there was a big uproar in the Jewish community. So the
Pope told them he would have a debate with a member of the Jewish community.
If the Jew won, they could stay. If the Pope won, they would have to leave.
The Jewish elders went to their most scholarly citizens and begged them to meet with the Pope to defend their faith. But none of them wanted to risk being made a fool of by the wise old Pope. After begging numerous people to take part in the debate, they finally chose a feeble old man named Moishe who had spent his entire life sweeping up after people. He agreed to serve as their scapegoat, but asked that just one condition be placed on the debate. Not being used to saying very much as he cleaned up around the settlement, he asked that neither side be allowed to talk. The Pope agreed.
On the day of the great debate, Moishe and the Pope sat opposite one another for a full minute before the Pope held up three fingers. Moishe responded by raising one finger. The Pope, looking oddly nervous, then waved his hand in a circle. In response, Moishe pointed to the ground. Sweating profusely, the Pope produced a small bag from which he pulled out a wafer and a glass of wine. Moishe produced an apple. The Pope, shaking and twitching, stood up and said, "I give up. This man is too good. The Jews can stay."
Later, when the cardinals asked what had happened, the Pope explained, "First I held up three fingers to represent the Holy Trinity. The Jew responded by holding up one finger to remind me that there was still only one God, common to both our religions. Then I waved my hand in a circle to indicate that God is all around us. The old man responded by pointing to the ground, indicating that God was also right there with us. I pulled out the wine and the wafer to show that God absolves us from our sins. He pulled out an apple to remind me of the original sin in the Garden of Eden. He had an answer for everything. What could I do?'
Meanwhile the Jewish community, amazed that an almost feeble-minded old man had done what all their scholars had insisted was impossible, gathered round Moishe! "What happened?" they asked. "Well," said Moishe, "First, the Pope said that the Jews had three days to get out of Rome. I told him that not one of us was leaving. Then he said this whole city would be cleared of Jews and I told him that we were staying right here."
"And then?" asked a woman.
"I don't know," said Moishe.
"He took out his lunch and I took out mine and, when he saw what I
had, he gave up."
-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=
Ways to annoy your Public Bathroom Stallmate-
1.Stick your palm open under the stall wall and ask your neighbor,"May I borrow a highlighter?"
2.Say "Uh oh, I knew I shouldn't put my lips on that."
3. Cheer and clap loudly every time somebody breaks the silence with a bodily function noise
4. Say, "Hmmm, I've never seen that color before."
5. Drop a marble and say, "Oh shit!! My glass eye!!"
6. Say "Damn, this water is cold."
7. Grunt and strain real loud for 30 seconds andthen drop a can'taloupe into the toilet bowl from a high place and sigh relaxingly.
8. Say, "Now how did that get there?"
9. Say, "Humus. Reminds me of humus."
10. Fill up a large flask with Mountian Dew. Squirt it erratically under the stall walls of your neighbors while yelling,"Whoa ! Easy boy!!!"
11. Say," Interesting....more sinkers than floaters"
12. Using a small squeeze tube, spread peaunt butter on a wad of toliet paper and drop under the stall wall of your neighbor. Then say,"Whoops, could you kick that back over here, please?
13. Say, "C'mon Mr. Happy! Don't fall asleep on me!!
14. Say, "Boy, that sure looks like a maggot"
15. Say, "Damn, I knew that drain hole was a little too small. Now what am I gonna do?"
16. Play a well known drum cadence over and over again on your butt cheeks.
17. Before you unroll toliet paper, conspicusly lay down your "Cross-Dressors Anonymous" newsletter on the floor visiable to the adjacent stall.
18. Lower a small mirror underneath the stall wall and adjust it so you can see your neighbor and say, "Peek-a-boo!"
19. Drop a D-cup bra on the floor
under the stall-wall and sing "Born To Be Wild!"
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More YOU MIGHT BE A CAJUN IF. . . .
--Watching "Wild Kingdom" inspires you to write a cookbook.
--You think the former head of the United Nations is Boudreaux-Boudreaux Guillory.
--You think a lobster is a crawfish on steroids.
--You think boudin, hogshead cheese, and a Bud is a bland diet.
--You think Ground Hog day and Boucherie Day are the same holiday.
--You take a bite of 5-alarm chili and reach for the Tabasco.
--Fred's Lounge in Mamou means more to you than the Grand Ole Opry.
--You have an "envy: for something instead of a craving.-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=
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YOUR DAILY MOTIVATION
Sunday, April 25, 1999
SUCCESS IS A DETERMINED ACTION AWAY.
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When you dare to face the things that frighten you, you open the door to freedom and success.
It is an old psychological axiom that constant exposure to the object of your fear immunizes you against that fear. Do what you fear and the fear will disappear.
Most of your obstacles will melt away, if, instead of cowering before them, you make up your mind to walk boldly through them. To fight fear, act. To increase fear, wait, put off, postpone.
Nothing in life is to be feared.
It is only to be understood.
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