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Subject: Job app, Shakespear on Clinton, Date: Fri, 30 Apr 1999 12:40:05 -0700 From: Magic Mike B < Organization: Magic, Photos, WAVs, Jokes, Recipes, and Links http://funandmagic.com/ To: "Magic Mike's Magic Mailout" <"Magic Mailouts"
Hi, Today see another Sandstone Swirl at Coyote Bluffs,
http://funandmagic.com/photolinks2.htm In my business, i need to hire salespeople,
but now unemployment is at a all time low, most people have a job. That's
amazing, considering some of the applican'ts for work. You will see what
I mean , below. Have a magic day and pass it on. Magic Mike http://funandmagic.com/--=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=
HOW TO SCREW UP AN INTERVIEW
We've all been interviewed for jobs. And, we've all spent most of those interviews thinking about what not to do. Don't bite your nails. Don't fidget. Don't interrupt. Don't belch. If we did any of the don'ts, we knew we'd disqualify ourselves instantly. But some job applican'ts go light years beyond this. We surveyed top personnel executives of 100 major American corporations and asked for stories of unusual behavior by job applican'ts.
The lowlights:
1. "... stretched out on the floor to fill out the job application." 2. "She wore a Walkman and said she could listen to me and the music at the same time." 3. " A balding candidate abruptly excused himself. Returned to office a few minutes later, wearing a hairpiece." 4. "... asked to see interviewer's resume to see if the personnel executive was qualified to judge the candidate." 5. "... announced she hadn't had lunch and proceeded to eat a hamburger and French fries in the interviewer's office - wiping the ketchup on her sleeve" 6. "Stated that, if he were hired, he would demonstrate his loyalty by having the corporate logo tattooed on his forearm." 7. "Interrupted to phone his therapist for advice on answering specific interview questions." 8. "When I asked him about his hobbies, he stood up and started tap dancing around my office." 9. "At the end of the interview, while I stood there dumbstruck, went through my purse, took out a brush, brushed his hair, and left." 10. "... pulled out a Polaroid camera and snapped a flash picture of me. Said he collected photos of everyone who interviewed him." 11. "Said he wasn't interested because the position paid too much." 12. "While I was on a long-distance phone call, the applican't took out a copy of Penthouse, and looked through the photos only, stopping longest at the centerfold." 13. "During the interview, an alarm clock went off from the candidate's brief case. He took it out, shut it off, apologized and said he had to leave for another interview." 14. "A telephone call came in for the job applican't. It was from his wife. His side of the conversation went like this: "Which company? When do I start? What's the salary?" I said, "I assume you're not interested in conducting the interview any further." He promptly responded, "I am as long as you'll pay me more. "I didn't hire him, but later found out there was no other job offer. It was a scam to get a higher offer." 15. "His attache [case] opened when he picked it up and the contents spilled, revealing ladies' undergarments and assorted makeup and perfume." 16. "Candidate said he really didn't want to get a job, but the unemployment office needed proof that he was looking for one." 17. "... asked who the lovely babe was, pointing to the picture on my desk. When I said it was my wife, he asked if she was home now and wanted my phone number. I called security," 18. "Pointing to a black case he carried into my office, he said that if he was not hired, the bomb would go off. Disbelieving, I began to state why he would never be hired and that I was going to call the police. He then reached down to the case, flipped a switch and ran. No one was injured, but I did need to get a new desk."-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=
Shakespearean Humor
They say Shakespeare wrote for the masses, interjecting humor into his musings to play the crowds. I know, hard to believe but had you been alive at the end of the 16th century. Alas, a rendering that proves ephemeral nature of humor.
THE TRAGIC COMEDIE OF KING LEER
Scene 1. A forest glen.
Enter Witch Tripp and Kenneth of Starr.
Witch Tripp: Double, double, Webster Hubbell, I think I got the Creep in trouble. Eye of Newt, strap of bra, Could it be he broke some law? Praise this broth utmost ephemeral, Heavens! I left out my Essence of Emeril! Hark! Who trespasses so near?
Kenneth of Starr: 'Tis I, the Inquisitor. What news?
Witch Tripp: Things proceed with quickening speed, m'lord. The maiden Lewinsky, so deeply embroil'd, is now join'd by the Lady Willey in like pursuit. Daily tightens the noose around the king.
Starr: Would that it were so, but he hath good counsel, and more moves than a chess board. His public, well pleas'd with good news of the economie, doth o'erlook much.
Witch Tripp: How may I serve you next?
Starr: I have need of acts damnable and facts verifiable. Else he may elude me yet.
Witch Tripp: His dog Buddy, freshly neuter'd, may bear his master harsh reproach. He may consent to wearing a collar of our invention, to survey the king at his ease. Dogs are much accustom'd to insects. What's one more bug?
Starr: Good hag, I rely on you completely. I must away.
(Exeunt Tripp and Starr)
Scene 2. The king's antechamber
Duke of McCurry: My Lord! I needs must speak with you most urgently! The castle is assaulted on all sides!
Leer: What would I not give for an hour's peace!
McCurry: An army of reporters is settled at thy gate. They are press in name and press in deed, for they press me daily, nay, hourly for some explanation from thy lips.
Leer: Who is there among them?
McCurry: Lords Jennings, Brokaw, Rather, Geraldo of Rivera and a host of others. Methinks I spied the van from Hard Copy.
Leer: You cut me to the quick. Do they not know that I am chaste?
McCurry: They insinuate that thou hast chased too often.
Leer: Never have lies been so artfully stack'd against a pure soul. Where is Lady Hillary?
McCurry: Her secretary doth report that she is lock'd in her bath, saying over and over, "Why can I not wash my hands of this guy?"
Leer: Oh cursed fate! I must be the most solitary mortal in all creation. Never have I betrayed m'lady's trust.
McCurry: Whatever.
(Enter Messenger)
Messenger: Good King, steel thy nerve. I bring a missive from Kenneth of Starr, the Grand Inquisitor.
Leer: Was ever a man as Starr-cross'd as I? Why does this man conspire to afflict me thus? My hand is unsteady. Read it to me.
Messenger: Let me see. He offers you his regards, blah, blah, blah, then doth subpoena you to appear at his chamber at Friday next, to forswear again that thou tookst no liberties with the Jones wench, who withdraweth not, her claims against you.
Leer: I have already so sworn!
McCurry: It would seem, m'lord, that the woeful tale of Lady Willey rekindles old flames.
Leer: I kiss'd the woman on the forehead, as a sign of my regard. Never was a King so expos'd!
McCurry: Truer words were ne'er spoken.
Leer: I cannot think on't further. Leave me to my own counsel.
(Exeunt Messenger and McCurry)
Leer: To be forthright, or not to be forthright, that is the question. Whether 'tis nobler in the mind to suffer the slings and arrows of outrageous fortune, or just bag the whole thing and teach law at a junior college.
(Enter Courtier)
Courtier: My liege, you are late for an appointed meeting.
Leer: What's this?
Courtier: You were to interview a new assistant at the stroke of two. She seems most capable, and with rare intellect for one so young and fair.
Leer: Well, tell her I will see her anon, and on, and on.
Courtier: A most clever jest, my king.
Leer: Let us not tarry further.
(Exeunt Leer and courtier. Enter Buddy, from behind a chair)
Buddy: So dearest reader, I bid adieu. Me seeth I have
much to do. And so it comes to this pretty pass To see if the king doth
get some ....
-=-=-=-=-=-=-=--=--=
Ole and Lena were sitting down to their usual cup of morning coffee listening
to the weather report coming over the radio. "There will be 3 to 5
inches of snow today and a snow emergency has been declared. You must park
your cars on the odd numbered side of the streets." Ole got up from
his coffee and replies "Jeez, okay." Two days later, again they
both are sitting down with their cups of morning coffee and the weather
forecast is, "There will be 2 to 4 inches of snow today and a snow
emergency has been declared. You must park your cars on the even numbered
side of the streets." Ole got up from his coffee and replies, "Jeez,
okay." Three days later, again they both are sitting down with their
cups of coffee and the weather forecast is, "There will be 6 to 8
inches of snow today and a snow emergency has been declared. You must park
your cars on the..." and then the power went out and Ole didn't get
the rest of the instructions. He says to Lena, "Jeez, what am I going
to do now, Lena?" Lena replies, "Aw, Ole, yust leave the car
in the garage."
-=-=-=-=-=--=-
I'm really not an addict, there is no need to shout; But talking with my
puter friends, has turned my life about.
I still do the grocery shopping, and make a bed or two; But instead of staring at TV, I spend some time with you.
I go with friends or family, to dinner or a show; I take the time to hear my kids, or to watch a flower grow.
But yes, you'll find me off and on, sitting on my puter chair; And talking to my cyber friends, who always seem to care.
There are redeeming qualities, and hear me if you will; Since playing in this cyber world, I've improved keyboarding skill.
In fact I feel at peace with life, things are going well;
The only thing it hasn't done, is teach me how to spell.
-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-
A preacher was completing a temperance sermon: with great expression he
said, "If I had all the beer in the world, I'd take it and throw it
into the river."
With even greater emphasis he said, "And if I had all the wine in the world, I'd take it and throw it into the river."
And then finally, he said, "And if I had all the whiskey in the world, I'd take it and throw it into the river." He sat down.
The song leader then stood very cautiously and announced with a smile, "For our closing song, let us sing Hymn # 365:
"Shall We Gather at the River." -
=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=
Two old friends met one day after many years. One attended college, and
now was very successful. The other had not attended college and never had
much ambition.
The successful one said, "How has everything been going with you?"
"Well, one day I opened the Bible at random, and dropped my finger on a word and it was oil. So, I invested in oil, and boy, did the oil wells gush. Then another day I dropped my finger on another word and it was gold. So, I invested in gold and those mines really produced. Now, I'm as rich as Rockefeller."
The successful friend was so impressed that he rushed
to his hotel, grabbed a Gideon Bible, flipped it open, and dropped his
finger on a page. He opened his eyes and his finger rested on the words,
"Chapter Eleven." -
=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=
YOUR DAILY MOTIVATION
Friday, April 30, 1999
SUCCESS IS WITHIN YOU.
.- - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - -
------------------
Your mind is your true essence. How things look on the outside of you always depends on how things are on the inside of you.
Your thoughts have brought you to where you are today. Your actions always mirror your thoughts. Take a good look at where you are and what you are doing, and you can understand what you have been thinking.
Your behavior is the perpetual revealing of yourself. What you do, tells everyone who and what you are.
Change your thoughts and you can change your position
in life. You can start this process at anytime. Why not start today!
.- - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - -
------------------
Maybe it won't ever make it back. Maybe if it does there will be no one here to read it, but maybe it will, and maybe it will make a difference somehow. In any case, this is an idea that sent my imagination soaring: maybe it will send your thoughts flying too. :) http://212.62.133.249/
-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=
Roses For Rose By: Poppy
Red roses were her favorites, her name was also Rose. And every year her husband sent them, tied with pretty bows. The year he died, the roses were delivered to her door. The card said, "Be my Valentine," like all the years before.
Each year he sent her roses, and the note would always say, "I love you even more this year, than last year on this day." "My love for you will always grow, with every passing year." She knew this was the last time that the roses would appear.
She thought, he ordered roses in advance before this day. Her loving husband did not know, that he would pass away. He always liked to do things early, way before the time. Then, if he got too busy, everything would work out fine.
She trimmed the stems, and placed them in a very special vase. Then, sat the vase beside the portrait of his smiling face. She would sit for hours, in her husband's favorite chair. While staring at his picture, and the roses sitting there.
A year went by, and it was hard to live without her mate. With loneliness and solitude, that had become her fate. Then, the very hour, as on Valentines before, The doorbell rang, and there were roses, sitting by her door.
She brought the roses in, and then just looked at them in shock. Then, went to get the telephone, to call the florist shop. The owner answered, and she asked him, if he would explain, Why would someone do this to her, causing her such pain?
"I know your husband passed away, more than a year ago," The owner said, "I knew you'd call, and you would want to know." "The flowers you received today, were paid for in advance." "Your husband always planned ahead, he left nothing to chance."
"There is a standing order, that I have on file down here, And he has paid, well in advance, you'll get them every year. There also is another thing, that I think you should know, He wrote a special little card...he did this years ago."
"Then, should ever, I find out that he's no longer here, That's the card...that should be sent, to you the following year." She thanked him and hung up the phone, her tears now flowing hard. Her fingers shaking, as she slowly reached to get the card.
Inside the card, she saw that he had written her a note. Then, as she stared in total silence, this is what he wrote... "Hello my love, I know it's been a year since I've been gone, I hope it hasn't been too hard for you to overcome."
"I know it must be lonely, and the pain is very real. For if it was the other way, I know how I would feel. The love we shared made everything so beautiful in life. I loved you more than words can say, you were the perfect wife."
"You were my friend and lover, you fulfilled my every need. I know it's only been a year, but please try not to grieve. I want you to be happy, even when you shed your tears. That is why the roses will be sent to you for years."
"When you get these roses, think of all the happiness, That we had together, and how both of us were blessed. I have always loved you and I know I always will. But, my love, you must go on, you have some living still."
"Please...try to find happiness, while living out your days. I know it is not easy, but I hope you find some ways. The roses will come every year, and they will only stop, When your door's not answered, when the florist stops to knock."
"He will come five times that day, in case you have
gone out. But after his last visit, he will know without a doubt, To take
the roses to the place, where I've instructed him, And place the roses
where we are, together once again."
-=-=-=-=-=-=-=
Subject: Stan Freiberg From: "George H. Werl" To: Magic Mike
B <
Mike:
FYI, expected out this summer, a 4 CD set plus one VHS videotape of Freiberg's best stuff,
Included are 3 CD's of the old standards (Green Christmas, History of the United States, etc.) plus 1 CD of radio commercials (Lets Sell Radio in '65 RAB promos) and a videotape of TV commercials (including the famous Lone Ranger theme Gino's Pizza Rolls spot).
Stan made an appearance on one of the last Tom Snyder
Late Shows talking about it. Sure to be a collector's item.
Subject: Firesign Date: Thu, 29 Apr 1999 10:03:34 -0700 From:
Magic Mike B < Organization: Magic, Photos, WAVs, Jokes, Recipes,
and Links http://funandmagic.com/ To: "Magic Mike's Magic Mailout"
<"Magic Mailouts"
What is a magician but a practicing theorist? --Obi-Wan Kenobi
Hi, Today is The Wave, In Detail, for your desktop wallpaper photo. http://funandmagic.com/photolinks2.htm . Tonight I am looking forward to seeing my Dear Friends, The Firesign Theater, here in Seattle. So, I will again pimp their new CD, "Give Me Immortality Or Give Me Death.", which would have won the Grammy this year had it not been for a strong reunion of Mel Brooks and Carl Reiner with "2000 Year Old Man in 2000." Their first one had me on the floor. And if we are to speak of early comedy influences, I must tell you my inner chuckles were often driven by Stan Freiberg. I would LOVE to hear another one, Stan!!! For those of you still in shock from the Colorado school shootings, please try to have kids refrain from toy guns, violent movies, and gore-driven video games and movies. A recruiter said it used to be hard to try a soldier to kill. Today's kids are looking forward to it. It's scary. I think it's time for love. Evil is Live spelled backwards. Let's choose to Live, and turn these kids around. Have a magic day and pass it on. Magic Mike http://funandmagic.com/ My Strongest Need
My need for you is strong. I think of you and my heart races, My body trembles, and my spirit soars. I try to fight the craving for you, But I know the cause is lost. I must have you again.
I fear that the world will someday know About my weakness for you. I know that if I go to you For one more taste of you, My guilt will overcome me And a heavy penance will be paid.
But my resolve weakens and crumbles. I go to you, I take you and hold you. The wonderful smell of you fills my senses. This is insane, why can't I resist you? I know that any other can have you If they but pay the price.
But my need for you overwhelms me And I slowly strip you bare. My mouth aches for the taste of you. My tongue gently caresses you And the flavor of you fills my mouth. My body relaxes and my eyes close. The delicious sensation rushes through my body.
Ahhhhhhh, chocolate.
-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=
-=-=-=-=-=-=--=-=-
Two fathers at the club were discussing the daughters in their respective
families. "What do you think," said one. "Should I send
my daughter to college or not?"
"Well, I'll tell you my experience. It may help you to decide. It cost me a thousand dollars a year to send Penelope to college, and it took her four years to capture a husband.
I spent three hundred to send Alice to the beach for three weeks, and she came home married. I recommend the beach."
Money can't buy you true love. It does however put you in a good bargaining position! -=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=
A man sat down in a restaurant and asked the waitress what the daily special was. She replied, "Boiled tongue."
"Boiled tongue!" responded the horrified customer,
"There is certainly no way that I would ever eat anything that came
out of a cows mouth! That's disgusting! Give me three fried eggs, instead!".
-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=
On a special Teachers' Day, a kindergarten teacher was receiving gifts
from her pupils. The florist's son handed her a gift. She shook it, held
it overhead, and said, "I bet I know what it is, some flowers."
"That's right" the boy said, "but how did you know?" "Oh, just a wild guess," she said.
The next pupil was the candy store owner's daughter. The teacher held her gift overhead, shook it and said, "I bet I can guess what it is, a box of candy."
"That's right, but how did you know? "asked the girl.
"Oh, just a wild guess," the teacher said.
The next gift was from the son of the liquor store owner. The teacher held it overhead, but it was leaking. She touched a drop of the leakage with her finger and touched it to her tongue. "Is it wine?" she asked.
"No" the boy replied, obviously delighted that he was the first student to at least temporarily defy the teacher's apparent insight.
Theteacher repeated the process, touching another drop of the leakage to her tongue. "Is it champagne?" she asked.
"No," the clearly delighted boy answered.
Once again the teacher tasted the leakage and finally said, "I give up, what is it?"
The boy enthusiastically replied, "It's a puppy!"=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=
Being Lippy May Not be a Benefit
A man gets on a plane and takes his seat, only to realize that the occupant of the seat next to him is a parrot. The plane takes off and after some minutes a stewardess approaches.
"Can I get you anything, sir?" she asks the man.
"Yes, I'll have a coffee, please, when you have a minute. Thank you."
"And for you, sir," she asks the parrot.
"A double whisky and coke, bitch, and make it quick, I'm thirsty," demands the parrot!
The stewardess returns a few minutes later with the parrot's drink, which he snatches without a word.
"Excuse me," says the man, "but I ordered a coffee."
"Did you, sir? I'm sorry, I'll get you one straight away." By which time the parrot has finished his drink.
"Anything else for you, sir?" the stewardess asks the parrot.
"Yeah, I want another double whisky and coke. Quick, bitch, I can't wait all night!"
Again the stewardess returns with the parrot's drink and without the coffee. Naturally the man thinks the only way he is going to get any service is to adopt the attitude of his fellow passenger.
"Listen here you stupid slapper," he says to the stewardess, "I want my bloody coffee and I want it now, you cow!"
Two minutes later the stewardess returns, but this time with two enormous security guards, who proceed to manhandle the man and the parrot to the back of the plane, opens the door and ejects them from the plane.
As they hurtle uncontrollably towards earth from six miles
up the parrot turns to the man and says, "You're a bit of a lippy
bastard for someone who can't fly!"
-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=
About 1,800 years ago, the Pope decided that all the Jews had to leave
Rome. Naturally there was a big uproar in the Jewish community. So the
Pope told them he would have a debate with a member of the Jewish community.
If the Jew won, they could stay. If the Pope won, they would have to leave.
The Jewish elders went to their most scholarly citizens and begged them to meet with the Pope to defend their faith. But none of them wanted to risk being made a fool of by the wise old Pope. After begging numerous people to take part in the debate, they finally chose a feeble old man named Moishe who had spent his entire life sweeping up after people. He agreed to serve as their scapegoat, but asked that just one condition be placed on the debate. Not being used to saying very much as he cleaned up around the settlement, he asked that neither side be allowed to talk. The Pope agreed.
On the day of the great debate, Moishe and the Pope sat opposite one another for a full minute before the Pope held up three fingers. Moishe responded by raising one finger. The Pope, looking oddly nervous, then waved his hand in a circle. In response, Moishe pointed to the ground. Sweating profusely, the Pope produced a small bag from which he pulled out a wafer and a glass of wine. Moishe produced an apple. The Pope, shaking and twitching, stood up and said, "I give up. This man is too good. The Jews can stay."
Later, when the cardinals asked what had happened, the Pope explained, "First I held up three fingers to represent the Holy Trinity. The Jew responded by holding up one finger to remind me that there was still only one God, common to both our religions. Then I waved my hand in a circle to indicate that God is all around us. The old man responded by pointing to the ground, indicating that God was also right there with us. I pulled out the wine and the wafer to show that God absolves us from our sins. He pulled out an apple to remind me of the original sin in the Garden of Eden. He had an answer for everything. What could I do?'
Meanwhile the Jewish community, amazed that an almost feeble-minded old man had done what all their scholars had insisted was impossible, gathered round Moishe! "What happened?" they asked. "Well," said Moishe, "First, the Pope said that the Jews had three days to get out of Rome. I told him that not one of us was leaving. Then he said this whole city would be cleared of Jews and I told him that we were staying right here."
"And then?" asked a woman.
"I don't know," said Moishe. "He took out his lunch and I took out mine and, when he saw what I had, he gave up."-=-=-=-=-=--=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=---=-=
-=-=-=-=
Bubba was bragging to his boss one day, "You know, I know everyone there is to know. Just name someone, anyone, and I know them." Tired of his boasting, his boss called his bluff, "OK, Bubba how about Tom Cruise?" "Sure, yes, Tom and I are old friends, and I can prove it." So Bubba and his boss fly out to Hollywood and knock on Tom Cruise's door, and sure enough, Tom Cruise, shouts, "Bubba! Great to see you! You and your friend come right in and join me for lunch!" Although impressed, Bubba's boss is still skeptical. After they leave Cruise's house, he tells Bubba that he thinks Bubba's knowing Cruise was just lucky. "No, no, just name anyone else," Bubba says. "President Clinton," his boss quickly retorts. "Yes," Bubba says, "I know him, let's fly out to Washington." And off they go. At the White House, Clinton spots Bubba on the tour and motions him and his boss over, saying, "Bubba, what a surprise, I was just on my way to a meeting, but you and your friend come on in and let's have a cup of coffee first and catch up." Well, the boss is very shaken by now, but still not totally convinced. After they leave the White House grounds, he expresses his doubts to Bubba, who again implores him to name anyone else. "The Pope," his boss replies. "Sure!" says Bubba. "My folks are from Poland, and I've known the Pope a long time." So off they fly to Rome. Bubba and his boss are assembled with the masses in Vatican Square when Bubba says, "This will never work. I can't catch the Pope's eye among all these people. Tell you what, I know all the guards so let me just go upstairs and I'll come out on the balcony with the Pope." And he disappears into the crowd headed toward the Vatican. Sure enough, half an hour later Bubba emerges with the Pope on the balcony. But by the time Bubba returns, he finds that his boss has had a heart attack and is surrounded by paramedics. Working his way to his boss' side, Bubba asks him, What happened?" His boss looks up and says, I was doing fine until you and the Pope came out on the balcony and the man next to me said, "Who's that on the balcony with Bubba?" -=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=
The three wise men arrived to visit the child lying in the manger. One of the wise men was exceptionally tall and bumped his head on the low doorway as he entered the stable. "Jesus Christ!" he exclaimed. Joseph said, "Write that one down, Mary; it's better than Walter."
-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=
-=-=
If silence is golden, not many people can be arrested for hoarding. --E.C.
McKenzie
Where humor is concerned there are no standards -- no one can say what is good or bad, although you can be sure that everyone will. --John Kenneth Galbraith
Absurdity, n.: A statement or belief manifestly inconsistent with one's own opinion. --Ambrose Bierce, "The Devil's Dictionary"
Justice is incidental to law and order. --J. Edgar Hoover
What is a magician but a practicing theorist? --Obi-Wan Kenobi
Sooner or later you must pay for your sins. (Those who have already paid may disregard this fortune.)
You can always tell a real friend: When you've made a fool of yourself he doesn't feel you've done a permanent job. --Lawrence J. Peter
Don't let people drive you crazy when you know it's in walking distance.
You can't act like a skunk without someone getting wind of it. --Doug Larson
When you flee temptations don't leave a forwarding address.
Remember. The mightiest oak was once a little nut that held its ground.
Try to get all of your posthumous medals in advance.
A man said to the Universe: "Sir, I exist!" "However," replied the Universe, "the fact has not created in me a sense of obligation." --Stephen Crane
Caution: breathing may be hazardous to your health.
If you think the United States has stood still, who built the largest shopping center in the world? --Richard Nixon
Modern man is the missing link between apes and human beings.
Laws of Serendipity: 1. In order to discover anything, you must be looking for something.
2. If you wish to make an improved product, you must already be engaged in making an inferior one.
Why did the Lord give us so much quickness of movement unless it was to avoid responsibility with?
If mathematically you end up with the wrong answer, try multiplying by the page number.
Surprise due today. Also the rent.
Silverman's Law: If Murphy's Law can go wrong, it will.
Blood is thicker than water, and much tastier.
In case of injury notify your superior immediately. He'll kiss it and make it better.
Your analyst has you mixed up with another patient. Don't believe a thing he tells you.
"It's easier said than done." ... and if you don't believe it, try proving that it's easier done than said, and you'll see that "it's easier said that 'it's easier done than said' than it is done," which really proves that "it's easier said than done."
The National Short-Sleeved Shirt Association says: Support your right to bare arms!
Honk if you hate bumper stickers that say "Honk if ..."
Famous last words: 1. Don't unplug it, it will just take a moment to fix. 2. Let's take the shortcut, he can't see us from there. 3. What happens if you touch these two wires tog. 4. We won't need reservations. 5. It's always sunny there this time of the year. 6. Don't worry, it's not loaded. 7. They'd never (be stupid enough to) make him a manager.
The trouble with a kitten is that when it grows up, it's always a cat -- Ogden Nash.
Without ice cream life and fame are meaningless.
Be free and open and breezy! Enjoy! Things won't get any better so get used to it.
Tact is the ability to tell a man he has an open mind when he has a hole in his head.
Men occasionally stumble over the truth, but most of them pick themselves up and hurry off as if nothing happened. --Winston Churchill
Speak softly and carry a +6 two-handed sword.
I have seen the future and it is just like the present, only longer. --Kehlog Albran, "The Profit"-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=
-=-=-=-=-=-=-=
-=-=YOUR DAILY MOTIVATION
Thursday, April 22, 1999
TAKE RESPONSIBILITY FOR YOUR LIFE.
.- - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - -
------------------
You are in control of your life to the degree that you make decisions. To influence the outcome of anything, you must control the action at the point of decision making. When you let others make decisions for you, you have no control. When you control the decisions, you control the actions.
Take charge of your life. You don't have to ask permission of other people or society at large. When you ask permission, you give someone veto power over your life.
If you don't run your own life, somebody else will. There
are things you want to do. Do them.
.- - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - -
------------------©1999 Written by: Mentor2006@aol.com
Subject: Fun for humpday Date: Wed, 28 Apr 1999 08:57:45
-0700 From: Magic Mike B < Organization: Magic, Photos, WAVs, Jokes,
Recipes, and Links http://funandmagic.com/ To: "Magic Mike's Magic Mailout"
<"Magic Mailouts"
Hi, See Sandstone Spirals for your desktop wallpaper today.
http://funandmagic.com/photolinks2.htm Then use, Panorama desktop slideshow
to display them on your work area. It's free on my Utilities page, along
with SmartSaver, a file size reducer. I am looking forward to seeing Phil
and The Firesign Theater tomorrow night. Get their new cd, "Give Me
Immortality Or Give Me Death." I am positive that violent cartoons
and video games are responsible for desensitizing kids about killing. Yet
sex is considered horrible to show, but not blasting someone's brains out.
I think we have our priories wrong. Minister Falwell blasts kids shows
about sex. Didi he say anything about violence? Enjoy below some warnings
about other shows. Have a magic day and pass it on. Magic Mike
-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=
The Reverend Jerry Falwell has stepped in to clean up children's television. A couple of weeks ago he 'outed' the apparently homosexual Tinky Winky, a character from the 'Teletubbies' show, because:
1) He's purple, the gay color; 2) He has an antenna shaped like a triangle, the gay symbol, and 3) He carries a purse, something all gay people do.
But Falwell's work is far from over. Note the evidence below:
FRED FLINTSTONE
His nickname on the Bedrock bowling team is 'Twinkle-toes Flintstone.' The show's theme song ends '...we'll have a gay old time!' He wears an orange dress with little triangles on it. He hangs out with Barney far more than Wilma.
BUGS BUNNY
Often stands with hand on hip. Plays a hairdresser in one episode. Frequently dresses in drag. Loves to throw on a top hat and tails and belt out Broadway showtunes with his buddy Daffy-who, it's worth noting, has a lisp.
POPEYE
Eats lots of salad. Wears a sailor suit, even though he hasn't been on a ship in years. Does little sailor-dances. Dates a flat-chested transvestite named Olive Oyl. Best friend named Wimpy.
BATMAN & ROBIN
Robin's nickname: Boy Wonder. Batman's real name: Bruce. Both wear tights. They're in great shape. They like to show each other their 'grappling hooks.
PEPPERMINT PATTY (from Peanuts)
Has a deep, gravely voice. Wears pants, not dresses like the other Peanuts gals. Plays a mean game of football. Likes to taunt Charlie Brown. Always hanging out with that androgynous Marcie. Wears comfortable shoes. Nickname: Sir.
THE PINK PANTHER Need we say more?
-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-
womens t-shirt sayings
Next mood swing: 6 minutes.
I hate everybody, and you're next.
And your point is...
Warning: I have an attitude and I know how to use it.
Remember my name -- you'll be screaming it later.
You KNOW you want me.
Don't worry. It'll only seem kinky the first time...
Of course I don't look busy... I did it right the first time.
I'm multitalented: I can talk and piss you off at the same time.
Do NOT start with me. You will NOT win.
You have the right to remain silent, so please SHUT UP.
All stressed out and no one to choke.
How can I miss you if you won't go away?
If we are what we eat, I'm fast, cheap and easy.
Nobody knows I'm not wearing underwear-==
-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=
-=
I think animal testing is a terrible idea; they get all nervous and give
the wrong answers.
-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=
-=-=-=
"Things Overheard During The Clinton/Kennedy Sailing Trip"
As presented on the 8/21/97 broadcast
10. "No, Bill, I'm not seasick -- I always throw up this time of day"
9. "Isn't there a way to catch fish that are already fried?"
8. "We're listing to the left -- get Ted's head back to the center of the boat"
7. "Who wants another Chivas and salt water?"
6. "The main sail just ripped -- Senator, can we borrow your pants?"
5. "This time I'll be Captain Steubing and you can be Gopher"
4. "If you're outside U.S. waters, it's technically not adultery"
3. "That's not a doughnut, Mr. President -- it's a life preserver"
2. "Isn't a case of Jim Beam a bit much for a 30-minute boat ride?"
1. "Ship ahoy, Captain Tubby!"-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=
-=-=-=-=-=
YOU MIGHT BE A CAJUN IF. . . .
--You consider the four seasons as Winter, Spring, Summer, and Hunting.
--Your high school band's rendition of the National Anthem begins with=20 "Jambalaya, Crawfish Pie, File Gumbo"
--You stand up when they play "Jolie Blonde"
--Any of your dessert recipes call for jalapenos
--You consider Breaux Bridge the capital of the state, and Lafayette the=20 capital of the nation.
--You think the Mason Dixon Line is at Bunkie.
--You start an angel food cake with a roux.
-=--=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=
-
QUIPS & QUOTES QUIPS AND QUOTES
Better to be occasionally cheated than perpetually suspicious.
In three words I can sum up everything I've learned about life. IT GOES ON.
Accept than some days you're the pigeon, and some days you're the statue.
There are two things to aim at in life: first to get what you want and,=20 after that, to enjoy it. Only the wisest of mankind achieve the second.
Can't nothing make your life work if you ain't the architect.
There is no right way to do the wrong thing.
The best vitamin for making friends: B1.
Knowledge is like a garden; if it is not cultivated, it cannot be harvested.
The smallest deed is greater than the grandest intention.
Needing a man is like needing a parachute. If he isn't there the first time=20 you need him, chances are you won't be needing him again.
Don't try to change the wind, change the sail.
Anger is just one letter short of danger.
Be nice to people on your way up because you meet them on your way down.
Treat your friends like a family and your family like friends.
If you can't be the tablecloth, don't be the dishrag.
Knowledge without insight is like a horse in the library.
If Teddy Roosevelt were alive today, he probably would have said, "Walk softly and carry an Uzi." Sadly, we'll never know. --Lev L. Spiro
Change is not made without inconvenience, even from worse to better. --Richard Hooker
A great way for to lose weight is to eat naked in front of a mirror. Restaurants will almost always throw you out before you can eat too much. --Frank Varano
Nondeterminism means never having to say you are wrong.
Brooke's Law: Whenever a system becomes completely defined, some damn fool discovers something which either abolishes the system or expands it beyond recognition.
Some people reach the top of the ladder of success only to find it is leaning against the wrong wall.
Flon's Law: There is not now, and never will be, a language in which it is the least bit difficult to write bad programs.
It's easy to identify people who can't count to ten. They're in front of you in the supermarket express lane. --June Henderson
Preudhomme's Law of Window Cleaning: It's on the other side.
Be careful of your thoughts: They may become words at any moment.
The meek shall inherit the earth -- they are too weak to refuse.
There is no distinctly native American criminal class except Congress. --Mark Twain
If you're not part of the solution, you're part of the precipitate.
Silence is one of the hardest arguments to refute. --Josh Billings
Love is sentimental measles.
Put your Nose to the Grindstone! --Amalgamated Plastic Surgeons and Toolmakers, Ltd.
New Year's Eve is the time of year when a man most feels his age, and his wife most often reminds him to act it. --Webster's Unafraid Dictionary
We learn from experience. A man never wakes up his second baby just to see it smile. --Grace Williams
Anything free is worth what you pay for it.
Birthdays are good for you. Statistics show that the people who have the most live the longest. --Rev. Larry Lorenzoni
The more we disagree, the more chance there is that at least one of us is right.
In defeat, unbeatable; in victory, unbearable. --Winston Churchill, of Montgomery
May your Tongue stick to the Roof of your Mouth with the Force of a Thousand Caramels.
Heaven goes by favor, if it went by merit, you would stay out, and your dog would go in. --Mark Twain
Children seldom misquote you. In fact, they usually repeat word for word what you shouldn't have said.
We really don't have any enemies. It's just that some of our best friends are trying to kill us.
If you're going to do something tonight that you'll be sorry for tomorrow morning, sleep late. --Henny Youngman
If you want to be a leader with a large following, just obey the speed limit on a winding, two-lane road. --Charles Farr
Life was a lot simpler when we honored father and mother rather than all the major credit cards. --Robert Orben
Jesus can turn water into wine, but He can't turn your whining into anything. --Mark Steele
There are some micro-organisms that exhibit characteristics of both plants and animals. When exposed to light they undergo photosynthesis; and when the lights go out, they turn into animals. But then again, don't we all?
Due to circumstances beyond your control, you are master of your fate and captain of your soul.
I've suffered a great many catastrophes in my life. Most of them never happened. --Mark Twain
Think twice before speaking, but don't say "think think click click."
A disciple of another sect once came to Drescher as he was eating his morning meal. "I would like to give you this personality test," said the outsider, "because I want you to be happy." Drescher took the paper that was offered him and put it into the toaster -- "I wish the toaster to be happy too."
If you only have a hammer, you tend to see every problem as a nail. --Maslow
Everything you've learned in school as "obvious" becomes less and less obvious as you begin to study the universe. For example, there are no solids in the universe. There's not even a suggestion of a solid. There are no absolute continuums. There are no surfaces. There are no straight lines. --R. Buckminster Fuller
Most of the shadows of this life are caused by standing in one's own sunshine. --Ralph Waldo Emerson
The past always looks better than it was. It's only pleasant because it isn't here. --Finley Peter Dunne (Mr. Dooley)
The Schwine-Kitzenger Institute study of 47 men over the age of 100 showed that all had these things in common:
1. They all had moderate appetites. 2. They all came from middle class homes. 3. All but two of them were dead.
Brook's Law: Adding manpower to a late software project makes it later.
If the grass looks greener on the other side of the fence, you can bet the water bill is higher.
Anytime things appear to be going better, you have overlooked something.
Shaw's Principle: Build a system that even a fool can use, and only a fool will want to use it.
Be careful of reading health books, you might die of a misprint. --Mark Twain
In the force if Yoda's so strong, construct a sentence with words in the proper order then why can't he?
Skinner's Constant (or Flannagan's Finagling Factor): That quantity which, when multiplied by, divided by, added to, or subtracted from the answer you get, gives you the answer you should have gotten.
Disco is to music what Etch-A-Sketch is to art.
For peace of mind, resign as general manager of the universe. --Larry Eisenberg
What good is having someone who can walk on water if you don't follow in his footsteps?
Worst Vegetable of the Year: The Brussels sprout. This is also the worst vegetable of next year. --Steve Rubenstein
.... Had this been an actual emergency, we would have fled in terror, and you would not have been informed.
The greatest act of faith is when man decides he is not God. --Oliver Wendell Holmes
Overdrawn? But I still have checks left!
Never offend people with style when you can offend them with substance. --Sam Brown, "The Washington Post," January 26, 1977
-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=--=
WHY MEN WILL NEVER BE "WINNERS"
If you put a woman on a pedestal and try to protect her from the rat race, you're a male chauvinist. If you stay home and do the housework, you're a pansy.
If you work too hard, there is never any time for her. If you don't work enough, you're a good-for-nothing bum.
If she has a boring repetitive job with low pay, it's called exploitation. If you have a boring repetitive job with low pay, you should get off your ass and find something better.
If you get a promotion ahead of her, that is favoritism. If she gets a job ahead of you, it's equal opportunity.
If you mention how nice she looks, it's sexual harassment. If you keep quiet, it's male indifference.
If you cry, you're a wimp. If you don't, you're an insensitive bastard.
If you thump her, it's wife bashing. If she thumps you, it's self defense.
If you make a decision without consulting her, you're a chauvinist. If she makes a decision without consulting you, she's a liberated woman.
If you ask her to do something she doesn't enjoy, that's domination. If she asks you, it's a favor.
If you appreciate the female form and frilly underwear, you're a pervert. If you don't, you're a fag.
If you like a woman to shave her legs and keep in shape, you're a sexist. If you don't, you're unromantic
If you try to keep yourself in shape, you're vain. If you don't, you're a slob.
If you buy her flowers, you're after something. If you don't, you're not thoughtful.
If you're proud of your achievements, you're up on yourself. If you don't, you're not ambitious.
If she has a headache, she's tired. If you have a headache, you don't love her anymore.
If you want it too often, you're oversexed. If you don't, there must be someone else. -=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=
Ten Ways To Tell If A Redneck Has Been Working On A Computer
10. The monitor is up on blocks.
9. Outgoing faxes have tobacco stains on them.
8. The six front keys have rotted out.
7. The extra RAM slots have Ford truck parts stored in them.
6. The numeric keypad only goes up to six.
5. The password is "Bubba."
4. There's a gun rack mounted on the CPU.
3. There's a Skoal can in the CD-ROM drive.
2. The keyboard is painted in camoflage.
AND the number 1 way to tell if a Redneck has been working on a computer is...
1. The mouse is referred to as a "critter."
Subject: Anagrams, Dear Gods. Professional Bumper Stickers
Date: Sun, 25 Apr 1999 22:22:44 -0700 From: Magic Mike B < Organization:
Magic, Photos, WAVs, Jokes, Recipes, and Links http://funandmagic.com/ To: "Magic
Mike's Magic Mailout" <"Magic Mailouts"
Hi, See the Wave at rush hour. http://funandmagic.com/photolinks2.htm . Be sure to see the Cartoon of the day on my site. David sends this from Kalgoorlie Western Australia Don't vote it only encourages the bastards. This is fun. <A HREF="http://www.exploratorium.edu/exhibits/common_cents/index.html"Common Cents </A I am looking forward to seeing Phil this week when The Firesign Theater comes to Seattle. I am rushing between moments to send this so more later. Have a magic day an pass it on. Magic Mike parlor.htm -=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=
An Anagram, as you know, is a word or phrase made by transposing or rearranging the letters of another word or phrase. The following list of anagrams are exceptionally clever. Enjoy! ___________________________
Dormitory Dirty Room
Evangelist Evil's Agent
Desperation A Rope Ends It
The Morse Code Here Come Dots
Slot Machines Cash Lost in 'em
Animosity Is No Amity
Mother-in-law Woman Hitler :)
Snooze Alarms Alas! No More Z's
Alec Guinness Genuine Class
Semolina Is No Meal
The Public Art Galleries Large Picture Halls, I Bet
A Decimal Point I'm a Dot in Place
The Earthquakes That Queer Shake
Eleven plus two Twelve plus one
Contradiction Accord not in it
Princess Diana Ascend in Paris (freaky, right?)
This one's truly amazing: "To be or not to be: that is the question, whether tis nobler in the mind to suffer the slings and arrows of outrageous fortune."
And the Anagram: "In one of the Bard's best-thought-of tragedies, our insistent hero, Hamlet, queries on two fronts about how life turns rotten."
And for the grand finale: "That's one small step for a man, one giant leap for mankind." - Neil Armstrong
The Anagram: "Thin man ran; makes a large stride, left planet, pins flag on moon! On to Mars!" -=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=
At Duke University, there were four sophomores taking Organic Chemistry. They did so well on all the quizzes, midterms and labs, etc., that each had an "A" so far for the semester. These four friends were so confident that the weekend before finals, they decided to go up to University of Virginia and party with some friends up there. They had a great time-however, after all the hardy-partying, they slept all day Sunday and didn't make it back to Duke until early Monday morning. Rather than taking the final then, they decided to find their professor after the final and explain to him why they missed it. They explained that they had gone to UVA for the weekend with the plan to come to study, but, unfortunately, they had a flat tire on the way back, didn't have a spare, and couldn't get help for a long time. As a result, they missed the final. The Professor thought it over and then agreed they could make up the final the following day. The guys were elated and relieved. They studied that night and went in the next day at the time the professor had told them. He placed them in separate rooms and handed each of them a test booklet, and told them to begin. They looked at the first problem, worth 5 points, something simple about free radical formation. "Cool," they thought at the same time, each one in his separate room, "this is going to be easy." Each finished the problem and then turned the page. On the second page was written: (For 95 points): Which tire?
-=-=-=-=-=-=-
Dear God, I think about You sometimes even when I'm not praying. - Elliot
Dear God, Did You really mean "do unto others as they do unto you?" Because if you did, then I'm going to fix my brother. - Darla
Dear God, I didn't think orange went with purple until I saw the sunset You made on Tuesday. - Margret
Dear God, I read the Bible. What does "begat" mean? Nobody will tell me. - Love, Allison
Dear God, Are you really invisible or is that a trick? - Lucy
Dear God, Is it true my father won't get in Heaven if he uses his bowling words in the house? - Anita
Dear God, Did you mean for the giraffe to look like that or was it an accident? - Norma
Dear God, Instead of letting people die and having to make new ones, why don't You just keep the ones You have now? - Jane
Dear God, Who draws the lines around countries? - Nan
Dear God, The bad people laughed at Noah - "You made an ark on dry land you fool". But he was smart, he stuck with You. That's what I would do. - Eddie
Dear God, I went to this wedding and they kissed right in church. Is that okay? - Neil
Dear God, What does it mean You are a Jealous God? I thought You had everything. - Jane
Dear God, Thank You for the baby brother, but what I prayed for was a puppy. - Joyce
Dear God, Why is Sunday School on Sunday? I thought it was supposed to be our day of rest. - Tom L.
Dear God, Please send me a pony. I never asked for anything before, You can look it up. - Bruce
Dear God, Maybe Cain and Abel would not kill each other so much if they had their own rooms. It works with my brother. - Larry
Dear God, I want to be just like my Daddy when I get big, but not with so much hair all over. - Sam
Dear God, You don't have to worry about me. I always look both ways. - Dean
Dear God, I bet it is very hard for You to love all of everybody in the whole world. There are only 4 people in our family and I can never do it. - Nan
Dear God, Of all the people who work for You, I like Noah and David the best. - Rob
Dear God, My brother told me about being born, but it doesn't sound right. They're just kidding, aren't they? - Marsha
Dear God, If You watch me in Church Sunday, I'll show You my new shoes. - Mickey D.
Dear God, I would like to live 900 years like the guy in the Bible. - Love, Chris
Dear God, We read Thomas Edison made light, but in Sunday School they said you did it. So, I bet he stoled Your idea. Sincerely, Donna
Dear God, I do not think anybody could be a better God. Well, I just want you to know, but I am not just saying that because You are God already. - Charles
-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=
Secrets of Personal Growth
1. As I let go of my feelings of guilt, I am in touch with my inner sociopath.
2. I have the power to channel my imagination into ever-soaring levels of suspicion and paranoia.
3. I assume full responsibility for my actions, except the ones that are someone else's fault.
4. I no longer need to punish, deceive, or compromise myself, unless I want to stay employed.
5. In some cultures what I do would be considered normal.
6. Having control over myself is almost as good as having control over.
Skin and hubble others.
7. My intuition nearly makes up for my lack of self-judgment.
8. I honor my personality flaws for without them I would have no personality at all.
9. Joan of Arc heard voices too.
10. I am grateful that I am not as judgmental as all those censorious, self-righteous people around me.
11. I need not suffer in silence while I can still moan, whimper, and complain.
12. As I learn the innermost secrets of people around me, they reward me in many ways to keep me quiet.
13. When someone hurts me, I know that forgiveness is cheaper than a lawsuit, but not nearly as gratifying.
14. The first step is to say nice things about myself. The second, to do nice things for myself. The third, to find someone to buy me nice things.
15. As I learn to trust the universe, I no longer need to carry a gun.
16. All of me is beautiful, even the ugly, stupid and disgusting parts.
17. I am at one with my duality.
18. Blessed are the flexible, for they can tie themselves into knots.
19. Only a lack of imagination saves me from immobilizing myself with imaginary fears.
20. I will strive to live each day as if it were my 69th birthday.
21. I honor and express all facets of my being, regardless of state and local laws.
22. Today I will gladly share my experience and advice, for there are no sweeter words than "I told you so!"
23. False hope is better than no hope at all.
24. A good scapegoat is almost as good as a solution.
25. Just for today, I will not sit in my living room all day in my underwear in the Dream Motel. Instead, I will move my computer into the bedroom.
26. Who can I blame for my problems? Just give me a minute. . . . I'll find someone.
27. Why should I waste my time reliving the past when I can spend it worrying about the future?
28. The complete lack of evidence is the surest sign that the conspiracy is working.
29. I am learning that criticism is not nearly as effective as sabotage.
30. Becoming aware of my character defects leads me naturally to the next step of blaming my parents.
31. To have a successful relationship I must learn to make it look like I'm giving as much as I'm getting.
32. I am willing to make the mistakes if someone else is willing to learn from them.
33. Before I criticize a man, I walk a mile in his shoes. That way, if he gets angry, he's a mile away and barefoot.
34. All of the evil that I speak, hear, and see, are pleasurable to me.
35. The only friend I have ... moved to parts unknown.
36. When counting my blessings , I count backwards from one.
37. They no longer allow me into the confessional.
38. The person I admire the most is Elmer Fudd.
39. I enjoy watching a magazine stand.
40. Experience shows that people who write, can't be trusted.
41. When I am here I wish I was there....and I am.
-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=
Bumper Stickers for professionals.
ACCOUNTANTS are good with figures. ACTORS do it on cue. ADVERTISERS use
the "new, improved" method. AMBULANCE DRIVERS come quicker. ANSI
does it in the standard way ARCHEOLOGISTS like it old. ARCHITECTS have
great plans. ARTISTS are exhibitionists. ASSEMBLY LINE WORKERS do it over
and over. ASTRONOMERS do it with Uranus ATTORNEYS make better motions.
AUDITORS like to examine figures. BABYSITTERS charge by the hour. BAILIFFS
always come to order. BAKERS knead it daily. BAND MEMBERS play all night.
BANKERS do it with interest - penalty for early withdrawal BARBERS do it
with shear pleasure. BARTENDERS do it on the rocks. BASEBALL PLAYERS make
it to first base. BASKETBALL PLAYERS score more often. BEEKEEPERS like
to eat their honey. BEER BREWERS do it with more hops. BEER DRINKERS get
more head. BICYCLISTS do it with 10 speeds. BOOKKEEPERS do it with double
entry BOSSES delegate the task to others. BOWLERS have bigger balls. BRICKLAYERS
lay all day. BRIDGE PLAYERS try to get a rubber. BUS DRIVERS come early
and pull out on time. BUTCHERS have better meat. C`Bers do it on the air.
CAMPERS do it in a tent. CARPENTERS hammer it harder. CARPET LAYERS do
it on the floor. CHEERLEADERS do it with more enthusiasm. CHEMISTS like
to experiment. CHESSPLAYERS check their mates. CHIROPRACTORS do it by manipulation.
CLOCK MAKERS do it mechanically CLOWNS do it for laughs. COACHES whistle
while they work. COBOL PROGRAMMERS do it with bugs COCKTAIL WAITRESSES
serve highballs. COMPUTER GAME PLAYERS just can`t stop. COMPUTER OPERATORS
get the most out of their software. CONSTRUCTION WORKERS lay a better foundation.
consultant tell other how to do it. COPS have bigger guns COWBOYS handle
anything horny. COWGIRLS like to ride bareback. CRANE OPERATORS have swinging
balls. CREDIT MANAGERS always collect. DANCERS do it in leaps and bounds.
DEADHEADS do it with Jerry. DEER HUNTERS will do anything for a buck. DENTAL
HYGENISTS do it till it hurts. DENTISTS do it in your mouth. DETECTIVES
do it under cover. DIETICIANS eat better. DIRECT MAILERS get it in the
sack. DIVERS do it deeper. DOCTORS do it with patience. DRUGGISTS fill
your prescription. DRUMMERS do it in 4/4 time. DRYWALLERS are better bangers.
ELECTRICIANS check your shorts. ENGINEERS charge by the hour. EXECUTIVES
have large staffs. FARMERS spread it around. FIREMEN are always in heat.
FISHERMEN are proud of their rods. FOOTBALL PLAYERS are measured by the
yard. FOUR-WHEELERS eat more bush. FURRIERS appreciate good beaver. GARBAGEMEN
come once a week. GARDENERS have 50 foot hoses. GAS STATION ATTENDANTS
pump all day. GEOLOGISTS are great explorers. GOLFERS do it in 18 holes.
GYMNISTS mount and dismount well. HACKERS do it with fewer instructions
HAIRDRESSERS give the best blow jobs. HAM OPERATORS do it with frequency.
HANDYMEN like good screws. HEWLETT PACKARD does it with precision HORSEBACK
RIDERS stay in the saddle longer. HUNTERS do it with a bang. INSURANCE
SALESMEN are premium lovers. INTERIOR DECORATORS do it all over the house.
INVENTORS find a way. JANITORS clean up afterwards. JEWELERS mount real
gems. JOGGERS do it on the run. LANDSCAPERS plant it deeper. LAWYERS do
it in their briefs. LIBRARIANS do it quietly. LOCKSMITHS can get into anything.
LONG DISTANCE RUNNERS last longer. MACHINISTS make the best screws. MAGICIANS
are quicker than the eye. MAINTENANCE MEN sweep `em off their feet. MANAGERS
supervise others. MECHANICS have all the right tools. MARKETING REPs do
it on commission MILKMEN deliver twice a week MILLIONAIRES pay to have
it done. MINERS sink deeper shafts. MINISTERS do it on Sundays. MISSILEMEN
have better thrust. MODELS do it in any position. MODEM MANUFACTURERS do
it with all sorts of characters MOTORCYCLISTS like something hot between
their legs. MOVIE STARS do it on film. MUSICIANS do it with rhythm. NONSMOKERS
do it without huffing and puffing. NURSES call the shots. OCEANOGRAPHERS
do it down under. OPERATORS do it person-to-person. OPTOMETRISTS do it
face-to-face. PAINTERS do it with longer strokes. PARAMEDICS can revive
anything. PHOTOGRAPHERS do it with a flash. PHYSICISTS do it with uniform
harmonic motion PILOTS keep it up longer. PLUMBERS do it under the sink.
POLICEMEN like big busts. POLITICIANS do it for 4 years then have to get
re-erected. POSTMEN come slower. PRINTERS do it without wrinkling the sheets.
PRINTERS reproduce the fastest. PROCTOLOGISTS do it in the end. PROFESSORS
do it by the book. RACERS like to come in first. RACQUETBALL PLAYERS do
it off the wall. RADIO and TV ANNOUNCERS broadcast it. REAL ESTATE PEOPLE
know all the prime spots. RECYCLERS use it again. REPAIRMEN can fix anything.
REPORTERS do it daily. RESEARCHERS are still looking for it. RETAILERS
move their merchandise. ROOFERS do it on top. RUNNERS get into more pants.
SAILORS like to be blown. SALESPEOPLE have away with their tongues. SCIENTISTS
discovered it. SECRETARIES do it from 9 to 5. SKYDIVERS are good till the
last drop. SOCCER PLAYERS have leather balls. SPEECH PATHOLOGISTS are oral
specialists. SPELUNKERS do it underground. SPORTSCASTERS like an instant
replay. STEWARDESSES do it in the air. STUDENTS use their heads. SURGEONS
are smooth operators. TAILORS make it fit. TAXI DRIVERS do it all over
town. TAXIDERMISTS mount anything. TELEPHONE CO. EMPLOYEES let their fingers
do the walking. TELLERS can handle all deposits and withdrawals. TENNIS
PLAYERS have fuzzy balls. TRUCK DRIVERS have bigger dipsticks. TRUCKERS
carry bigger loads. TYPISTS do it in triplicate. VETERINARIANS are pussy
lovers. VOLLEYBALL PLAYERS keep it up. WAITRESSES serve it piping hot.
WATER SKIERS come down harder. WELDERS have hotter rods. WRESTLERS know
the best holds. WRITERS have novel ways.
Subject: New Virus on Monday - read asap Date: Sat, 24 Apr
1999 14:04:28 -0700 From: Magic Mike B < Organization: Magic, Photos,
WAVs, Jokes, Recipes, and Links http://funandmagic.com/ To: "Magic Mike's
Magic Mailout" <"Magic Mailouts"
Hi, Today go see any Wave pic at http://funandmagic.com/photolinks2.htm
LONG-AWAITED CIH VIRUS EXPECTED MONDAY http://www.pcworld.com/cgi-bin/pcwtoday?ID=10651
Antivirus software makers have long offered preventives against destructive
CIH 1.2 virus. http://www.pcworld.com/pcwtoday/article/0,1510,10061,00.html
Once there pick external links to Norton or McAfee. Have a magic day and
pass it on. Magic Mike parlor.htm
-=-=-=-=-=-=-=
YOU MAY BE NO LONGER COOL ..... IF......
____________________________________
1. You find yourself listening to talk radio.
2. You daughter says she got pierced and you look at her ears.
3. All the cars behind you turn on their headlights.
4. Your wife buys a flannel nighty and you find that sexy.
5. You call the police on a noisy party next door instead of grabbing beer and joining it.
6. You actually ASK for your father's advice.
7. You turn down free tickets to a rock concert because you have to work the next day.
8. Sex becomes "All that foolishness".
9. Getting a little action means your prune juice is working.
10. You bought your first car for the same price you paid for your son's new running shoes.
11. "What's all this stuff about E-mail?" comes out from your voice
12. When someone mentions SURFING you picture waves and
a surf board.
-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=
Diary Of A Mad Viagra Housewife
Dear Diary:
Day 1 Just celebrated our 25th wedding anniversary with not much to celebrate. When it came time to re-enact our wedding night, HE locked himself in the bathroom and cried.
Day 2 Today he says he has a big secret to tell me. He's impotent, he says, and he wants me to be the first to know. Why doesn't he tell me something I DON'T know! I mean, give me a break. He's been dysfunctional for so long, he even WALKS with a limp.
Day 3 This marriage is in trouble. A woman has needs. Yesterday, I saw a picture of the Washington Monument and burst into tears.
Day 4 A miracle has happened! There's a new drug on the market that will fix his er... "problem." It's called Viagra. I told him that if he takes Viagra, things will be just like they were on our wedding night. He said, "This time, I'd rather not have your mother join us." (I think this will work. I replaced his Prozac with the Viagra, hoping to lift something other than his mood.)
Day 7 This Viagra thing has gone to his head. (No pun intended). Yesterday, at Burger King, the manager asked me if I'd like a Whopper. He thought they were talking about him. GET OVER YOURSELF! Not everything is about you!
Day 8 I think he took too many over the weekend. Yesterday, instead of mowing the lawn, he was using his new friend as a weed wacker.
Day 10 Okay, I admit it. I'm hiding. I mean, a girl can only take so much. And to make matters worse, he's washing the Viagra down with Hard Cider! The photo of Janet Reno isn't working. What am I going to do?
Day 11 The side effects are starting to get to him. Everything is turning blue. The other day, we were watching Kenneth Branaugh in Hamlet, and he thought it was The Smurfs Do Denmark.
Day 12 I'm basically being drilled to death. It's like going out with Black and Decker.
Day 13 I wish he was gay. I bought 400 Liza Minelli albums and I keep saying "fabulous" and still he keeps coming after me!
Day 14 Now I know how Saddam Hussein's wife feels. Every time I shut my eyes, there's a sneak attack! It's like going to bed with a scud missile. Let's hope he's like President Bush and pulls out in 100 days.
Day 15 I've done everything to turn him off. Nothing is working. I even started dressing like a nun. Now he tells me sister Wendy revs his motor.
Day 16 I may just have to kill him. Then he'll go out
the way he wants to: stiff. With my luck, I won't be able to close the
casket. Argh!
-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=
American Ingenuity...
During the heat of the space race in the 1960s, the U.S. National Aeronautics and Space Administration realized that astronauts would have to be able to record certain things while performing their duties and so it would need a writing utensil capable of writing in the zero gravity confines of its space capsules. Of Course, a normal pen will not work since they are all gravity fed.
After considerable research and development that spanned spanning over two years, the working zero-g Astronaut Pen was developed at a cost of approximately $US 1 Million (in 1960's dollars !!). The initial production run was fifty pens.
The Soviet Union was faced with the same problem.... but
they issued pencils.
-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=
COMPLACENCY and other thoughts on life
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
I once told a man that I no longer voted.
He responded by telling me this. The choice of whether I voted or not was why he waded through rice paddies, toted guns, and fought battles.
It wasn't long afterward that I began to vote again.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
I once told a man a lie.
He responded by telling me this. All of the decisions that he made were based upon the words that I spoke.
I have long since told the truth.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
I once became upset over a gift I received, because it wasn't what I wanted.
The giver saw the disappointment in my eyes and told me this. He chose the most valuable gift he could find, because he felt I should have it.
I am since very joyful over each gift that I receive.~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
A man once told me a secret which I quietly whispered in another friend's
ear.
The man told me this, after hearing his own secret repeated. The reason he told me the secret was because he trusted me, not my friend.
I no longer take trust so lightly
. ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
I once gave a gift to a friend and she cried.
I told her it was just a small gift I had found. Her response was that it was not the gift, it was that I had thought of her.
I now give gifts often.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
The shiny coin was not to be mine, so I had been told. But on my way out
the door, it found it's way in my hand. When it was discovered that I had
stolen the coin, I was quietly taken aside.
The owner of the coin told me this. Integrity is given with a choice.
I have since chosen to stand with integrity.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Once I told a man of all of my dreams.
He smiled warmly and even chuckled then asked if I ever planned on living any of them.
I now choose the spending of my days very differently.~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
I watched a man daily as he walked ... head down ... so focused.
I was curious and inquired as to why he never looked up. The look on his face was one of surprise, but he responded. His world was so structured that he didn't have to look where he placed his foot and there was nothing else to look at.
I make it a point to never stare at my feet, for fear
of creating tunnels.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
I wanted so much to merely be myself, going unnoticed and not draw attention.
And I was told this. The fact that you do not conform makes you stand out all the more.
I'm still thinking about that one.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
I AM THE CENTER OF MY UNIVERSE but I do not live here alone.
each move I make creates a ripple in someone else's ocean each breath I take affects the air all around me each word I utter falls on someone else's ears that which I touch is felt by another that which I do will certainly affect another that which I do not, will also affect another we never know how far reaching something we say or do really is until it returns to us ... and it always does
ALL THINGS IN LIFE FORM A CIRCLE whether we see the circle
or not
Subject: Spinner, The Wave, Storks, Murphy goes golfing Date: Fri, 23 Apr 1999 09:37:47 -0700 From: Magic Mike B < Organization: Magic, Photos, WAVs, Jokes, Recipes, and Links http://funandmagic.com/ To: "Magic Mike's Magic Mailout" <"Magic Mailouts"
Hi, Today see Leapfrog Rock and The Wave http://funandmagic.com/photolinks2.htm .
I REALLYYYYY enjoy this Spinner music program I put on my site, with 180 channels of music styles. It can follow you after you leave my site. Make my main page, joke parlor, or photo page your start-up page and take the music box with you when you go. Listen to Rock, Jazz, Blues, Sub Cultures, Big Band, Swing, Crooners, DON'T tell anyone, but I often listen to the Bluegrass Channel. It is fast, free, and easy so ENJOY! Stop by my WAV page for "No Ordinary Love", and "Every Little Thing She Does Is Magic". http://funandmagic.com/ . The links page is brimming with new cool stuff. I am beginning to subdivide it. The sub categories are not complete yet. http://funandmagic.com/links.html Have a magic day and pass it on! Magic Mike parlor.htm
-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=
CALIFORNIA DIRT California just proclaimed "San Joaquin soil" to be "the official state dirt of California." Previously this title was held by "LA Smog."
-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=
-=-=-=-=-=-=
NOCTURNAL RECREATIONAL HABITS OF CALIFORNIA COPS
Q. What's the difference between a police officer in San Francisco and a police officer in Los Angeles?
A. A police officer in San Francisco will dance and have a few drinks when he says he's going out "clubbing."
-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=
-=-=-=-=-=-=-=
-=-=
A plane was taking off from Kennedy Airport. After it reached a comfortable cruising altitude, the captain made an announcement over the intercom, "Ladies and gentlemen, this is your captain speaking. Welcome to Flight Number 293, nonstop from New York to Los Angeles. The weather ahead is good and therefore we should have a smooth and uneventful flight. Now sit back and relax - OH MY GOD!"
Silence followed and after a few minutes, the captain came back on the intercom and said, "Ladies and Gentlemen, I am so sorry if I scared you earlier, but while I was talking, the flight-attendant brought me a cup of coffee and spilled the hot coffee in my lap. You should see the front of my pants!"
A passenger in Coach said, "That's nothing. He should see the back of mine!"
-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=
The little boy asked, "Mommy, where do babies come from?" His mother replied, "The stork brings them." The boy looking puzzled asks, "Then who screws the storks?"
-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-
Cute Kids Stuff
After putting her children to bed, a mother changed into old slacks and a droopy blouse and proceeded to wash her hair. As she heard the children getting more and more rambunctious, her patience grew thin. At last she threw a towel around her head and stormed into their room, putting them back to bed with stern warnings. As she left the room, she heard her three-year-old say with a trembling voice, "Who was *that*?"
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Two little boys were visiting their grandfather, and he took them to a restaurant for lunch. They couldn't make up their minds about what they wanted to eat. Finally the grandfather grinned at the server and said, "Just bring them bread and water." One of the little boys looked up and quavered, "Can I have ketchup on it?"
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
A new neighbor asked the little girl next door if she had any brothers and sisters. She replied, "No, I'm the lonely child."
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
A mother was telling her little girl what her own childhood was like: "We used to skate outside on a pond. I had a swing made from a tire; it hung from a tree in our front yard. We rode our pony. We picked wild raspberries in the woods." The little girl was wide-eyed, taking this in. At last she said, "I sure wish I'd gotten to know you sooner!"
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
My grandson was visiting one day when he asked, "Grandma, do you know how you and God are alike?" I mentally polished my halo while I asked, "No, how are we alike?" "You're both old," he replied.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
A little girl was diligently pounding away on her father's word processor. She told him she was writing a story. "What's it about?" he asked. "I don't know," she replied. "I can't read."
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
I didn't know if my granddaughter had learned her colors yet, so I decided to test her. I would point out something and ask what color it was. She would tell me, and always she was correct. But it was fun for me, so I continued. At last she headed for the door, saying sagely, "Grandma, I think you should try to figure out some of these yourself!"
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
A ten-year-old, under the tutelage of her grandmother, was becoming quite knowledgeable about the Bible. Then one day she floored her grandmother by asking, "Which Virgin was the mother of Jesus: the Virgin Mary or the King James Virgin?"
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
A Sunday school class was studying the Ten Commandments. They were ready to discuss the last one. The teacher asked if anyone could tell her what it was. Susie raised her hand, stood tall, and quoted, "Thou shall not take the covers off thy neighbor's wife."
-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=
Murphy's Laws on Golf
LAW 1: No matter how bad your last shot was, the worst is yet to come. This law does not expire on the 18th hole, since it has the supernatural tendency to extend over the course of a tournament, a summer and, eventually, a lifetime.
LAW 2: Your best round of golf will be followed almost immediately by your worst round ever. The probability of the latter increases with the number of people you tell about the former.
LAW 3: Brand new golf balls are water-magnetic. Though this cannot be proven in the lab, it is a known fact that the more expensive the golf ball, the greater its attraction to water.
LAW 4: Golf balls never bounce off of trees back into play. If one does, the tree is breaking a law of the universe and should be cut down.
LAW 5: No matter what causes a golfer to muff a shot, all his playing partners must solemnly chant "You looked up," or invoke the wrath of the universe.
LAW 6: The higher a golfer's handicap, the more qualified he deems himself as an instructor.
LAW 7: Every par-three hole in the world has a secret desire to humiliate golfers. The shorter the hole, the greater its desire.
LAW 8: Topping a 3-iron is the most painful torture known to man.
LAW 9: Palm trees eat golf balls.
LAW 10: Sand is alive. If it isn't, how do you explain the way it works against you?
LAW 11: Golf carts always run out of juice at the farthest point from the clubhouse.
LAW 12: A golfer hitting into your group will always be bigger than anyone in your group. Likewise, a group you accidentally hit into will consist of a football player, a professional wrestler, a convicted murderer and an IRS agent.
LAW 13: All 3-woods are demon-possessed.
LAW 14: Golf balls from the same "sleeve" tend to follow one another, particularly out of bounds or into the water (see Law three)
LAW 15: A severe slice is a thing of awesome power and beauty.
LAW 16: "Nice lag" can usually be translated to "lousy putt." Similarly, "tough break" can usually be translated "way to miss an easy one, you loser"
LAW 17: The person you would most hate to lose to will always be the one who beats you.
LAW 18: The last three holes of a round will automatically adjust your score to what it really should be.
LAW 19: Golf should be given up at least twice per month.
LAW 20: All vows taken on a golf course shall be valid only until the sunset of the same day.-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=
If you were to drop a penny off the Empire State Building, would it be going the speed of a bullet when it hit the ground?
Despite the widespread story, under the best of conditions the penny would only be falling about 190 miles per hour, which is pedestrian compared to the 600mph bullet. However I expect 190mph is fast enough to do some damage if it hit your head! So why don't people get hurt from falling trash/debris/pennies while walking close to tall buildings? The answer is that tall buildings are surrounded by powerful updrafts, which slow down the decent of such objects. By the way, while it is unlikely a penny dropped from the Empire State Building would cause much damage, it certainly isn't recommended.
Also... -------
If you aimed a gun perfectly level and fired, while at the same time dropping a bullet from the same height as the gun, which would hit the ground first?
Most would guess the dropped bullet would hit the ground first because it would travel a much shorter distance. However, the bullets would actually hit the ground at the same time. While the force of the exploding gunpowder propels the bullet fired from the gun horizontally, gravity is pulling both bullets down equally.
-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=
Learn Chinese in 5 Minutes
[English phrase] -- [Chinese Interpretation]
Are you harboring a fugitive? -- Hu Yu Hai Ding?
See me A.S.A.P. -- Kum Hia Nao
Stupid Man -- Dum Gai
Small Horse -- Tai Ni Po Ni
Did you go to the beach? -- Wai Yu So Tan?
I bumped into a coffee table. -- Ai Bang Mai Ni
I think you need a facelift. -- Chin Tu Fat
It's very dark in here. -- Wai So Dim?
Has your flight been delayed? -- Hao Long Wei Ting?
That was an unauthorized execution. -- Lin Ching
I thought you were on a diet. -- Wai Yu Mun Ching?
This is a tow away zone. -- No Pah King
Do you know the lyrics to the Macarena? -- Wai Yu Sing Dum Song?
You are not very bright. -- Yu So Dum
I got this for free. -- Ai No Pei
I am not guilty. -- Wai Hang Mi?
Please, stay a while longer. -- Wai Go Nao?
Our meeting was scheduled for next week. -- Wai Yu Kum Nao
They have arrived. -- Hia Dei Kum
Stay out of sight. -- Lei Lo
He's cleaning his automobile. -- Wa Shing Ka
Your body odor is offensive. -- Yu stin ki pu -
=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=
A truck driver was driving along on the freeway. A sign comes up that reads "low bridge ahead." Before he knows it the bridge is right a head of him and he gets stuck under the bridge. Cars are backed up for miles.
Finally, a police car comes up. The cop gets out of his car and walks around to the truck driver, puts his hands on his hips and says, "Got stuck huh?"
The truck driver says, "No, I was delivering this
bridge and ran out of gas. -=-=-=-
-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=---=-=
-=-=--==-
LIKE, A TOTALLY CALIFORNIA STATE RESIDENCY APPLICATION... MAN...
Name: ____________________________________ (Feel free to use popular nicknames, such as "Moon Beam," "Dweezil," "Moon Unit," "Capt. Trips,,," , etc.)
Age: _____
Inner Child's Age: ____
Age in Dog Years: ____
Age as told to you in a vision by ancient Mayan calendar: ____
Sex:
_____ M _____ F _____ Hermaphrodite _____ Still working it out in therapy
Footwear: ____ Birkenstocks ____ Barefoot
Condition of Feet:
____ Wash Daily ____ Wash Weekly ____ Like, whenever I get to the beach, man...
Occupation:
___ Massage Therapist ___ Astral Counsel ___ Pet Psychologist ___ Channeler of the Dead (real dead, not merely Grateful) ___ Follower of the Dead, (Grateful) ___ Tie-dye vendor at Dead Shows ___ Vendor of "nice hot, fresh veggie burritos" at concerts ___ Cooking up a scheme to channel Jerry Garcia ___ Assistant to Shirley MacLaine ___ Rent-A-Mob protester ___ Purveyor of Fine Herbal Remedies ___ Panhandler claiming to be a veteran ___ Professional Guest on Ricki Lake ___ LA rock star groupie ___ Bottom-feeding LA lawyer ___ Professional Emotional Victim
Name(s) of Significan't Other(s): ________________________________
Relationship(s) of Significan't Other(s):
____ Astral Soulmate ____ One-night stand from the protest rally who stayed because the rent was cheap ____ My dog's massage therapist ____ "Just Friends" ____ They're really not that significan't, but I'll try to claim them
as tax deduction(s)
Number of Children in Commune: _____
Number of Inner Children In Commune: _____
Number of your Inner Children which have been molested by one of Roseanne's multiple personalities: _____
Mother's Name: ____________________
Father's Name: ____________________
Where were you were conceived:
____ Woodstock ____ Monterey ____ Under the stars on in the commune's hot tub ____ In the back of a VW micro-bus on the way to a Dead show
Name of book exposing your parents as inner-child abusers: __________________
Number of copies sold: ____
Number of Wind Chimes Owned: ____
Number of times you've given yourself a concussion by hitting head on wind chimes: ____
Number of time you've channeled dead space aliens: ____
Number of times a space alien has copped a feel off you: ____
Talk Shows on Which You Make a Regular Appearance:
____ Donahue ____ Ricki Lake ____ Geraldo ____ Sally Jesse ____ The morning news' surf report
Number of times you've eaten your surfboard: ____
Above, while still in parking lot after tripping on your sandals: ____
Number of Grateful Dead concerts attended: ____ (if all, enter "on tour")
Number of bongs you own: ____
Number of times you've drunk your bong water because the weed ran out: ____
Political Party Affiliation: (Choose as many as you have personalities)
____ Green Party ____ American Communist Party ____ Socialist Party ____ New Age Astral Party (channeling the spirits of dead Romans) ____ Hemp Party ____ The Party-Hearty Party ____ Inner Child Abuse Hotline Party ____ New Age Goddess Party
How far is your home from the waterline:
___ Miles ___ Yards ___ Feet ___ I like to wake up with sand in my nose and seaweed in my teeth, in true harmony with nature as it washes up my nose
Number of surfboards owned: ____
Number of seconds you can talk without using the words "totally," "like," "man" and "fer shure": ____ (enter, like 0, if you, like, totally don't know)
Subject: Music on site, lots of new links Date: Wed, 21 Apr 1999 13:51:20 -0700 From: Magic Mike B < Organization: Magic, Photos, WAVs, Jokes, Recipes, and Links http://funandmagic.com/ To: "Magic Mike's Magic Mailout" <"Magic Mailouts"
Hi, HEY, i justed added Spinner to my site!!!! Stop by and click on it. Pick your FAVORITE music channel, and surf the web to your favorite stuff. It's fast, free, and streaming.!!!! Write me what you think, please. Today is another Wave pic. http://funandmagic.com/photolinks2.htm Lots of links. I just posted a ton, so go to http://funandmagic.com/links.html , that way I dont have to clutter the mail with them. You will have a great time exploring these. Remember the Magic Tip. Cancel and take the 2nd download. It's faster. Have a magic day and pass it on. Magic Mike http://funandmagic.com
-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-
It was Anthony's first ride in a railway train, and the succession of wonders reduced him to a state of hysterical astonishment.
The train rounded a slight bend and, with a shriek of its whistle, plunged into a tunnel. There were gasps of surprise from the corner where Anthony was kneeling. Suddenly the train rushed into broad daylight again, and a small voice lifted in wonder.
"It's tomorrow!" exclaimed the small boy.-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=
-=- For the second time in a row, I was forced to impose on the woman with whom I carpooled to our children's soccer practices. I phoned and explained that my husband had the car again, so I wouldn't be able to take my turn.
A few minutes before she was due to pick up my son, my husband showed up. Since it was too late for me to call and say I could drive after all, I asked my husband to hide the car in the garage and to stay inside. I also explained to my son that he shouldn't mention anything about his father's whereabouts.
Unfortunately, my husband forgot and was in front of our house chatting with a friend when my carpool partner arrived. When my son returned from practice, I asked him if she had noticed.
"Yes," he replied, "she asked me which of the two men in front of the house was my father. But don't worry. I told her I didn't know."
-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=
Indecision is the key to flexibility.
If you find something you like, buy a lifetime supply, because they will stop making it.
All things being equal, fat people use more soap.
You can't tell which way the train went by looking at the track.
Be kind, everyone you meet is fighting a tough battle too.
This is as bad as it can get... but don't bet on it.
There is no substitute for genuine lack of preparation.
By the time you can make ends meet, they move the ends.
Happiness is merely the remission of pain.
Nostalgia isn't what it used to be.
Sometimes too much drink is not enough.
The facts, although interesting, are generally irrelevant.
The world gets a little better every day, and worse in the evening.
Someone who thinks logically is a nice contrast to the real world.
The other line always moves faster... until you get in it.
Anything worth fighting for is worth fighting dirty for.
Everything should be made as simple as possible, but no simpler.
Friends may come and go but enemies accumulate.
It's hard to be nostalgic when you can't remember anything good.
I have seen the truth and it makes no sense.
To live forever, acquire a chronic disease and take care of it.
Suicide is the most sincere form of self-criticism.
If you think that there is good in everybody, you haven't met everybody.
If you can smile when things go wrong, you have someone in mind to blame.
One seventh of your life is spent on Monday.
The more you run over a dead cat, the flatter it gets.
Happiness is good health and a bad memory.
Do unto others.
-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=
Dog Haikus
I love my master; thus I perfume myself with this long-rotten squirrel.
I lie belly-up in the sunshine happier than you ever will be.
Today I sniffed many dog behinds; I celebrate by kissing your face.
I sound the alarm! Paper boy come to kill us all. Look! Look! Look! Look! Look!
I sound the alarm! Garbage man-come to kill us all. Look! Look! Look! Look! Look!
I lift my leg and whiz on each bush. Hello, Spot. Sniff this and weep.
How do I love thee? The ways are numberless as my hairs on the rug.
My human is home! I am so ecstatic I have made a puddle.
I Hate my choke chain Look, world, they strangle me! Ack Ack Ack Ack Ack Ack!
Sleeping here my chin on your foot no greater bliss... well maybe catching rats.
Look in my eyes and deny it. No human could love you as much I do.
The cat is not all bad. she fills the litter box with Tootsie Rolls
Dig under fence-why? Because it's there. Because it's there. Because it's there.
I am your best friend now, always, and especially when you are eating.
My owners' mood is romantic. I lie near their feet. I make stinky farts.
-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=
Yesterday, All those backups seemed a waste of pay. Now my database has gone away. Oh I believe in yesterday. Suddenly, There's not half the files there used to be, And there's a milestone hanging over me The system crashed so suddenly. I pushed something wrong What it was I could not say. Now all my data's gone and I long for yesterday-ay-ay-ay. Yesterday, The need for back-ups seemed so far away. I knew my data was all here to stay, Now I believe in yesterday. .
-=--=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=
YOUR DAILY MOTIVATION
Wednesday, April 21, 1999
YOU HAVE THE POWER TO LIVE YOUR DREAMS.
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The day you take complete responsibility for yourself, the day you stop making any excuses, that's the day you start to the top.
No one can do it for you. Only you can make it happen. You're the only one that has to live your life.
Your success on any major scale requires you to accept responsibility. Choose the thoughts and actions that will lead you to success.
Your life will be what you make of it. Nothing will happen by itself. Success will come your way once you realize that you have to make it come your way.
The power to succeed is yours alone.
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Something Crafty For You To Do (WHouse0430) Tin Can Punch Candleholder Supplies - .Small can (such as 5 oz.evaporated milk or small can of Hunt's Tomato Sauce) .Simple clip art that will fit on can .Rubber bands .Hammer .Nails .Spray paint .Ribbon, if desired.
Project how to - 1.Take a smooth surfaced small can. Clean it and fill it with water. Freeze until ice is solid. 2.Print simple clip art that is a bit smaller than the can. Stars, pine trees, snowflakes come out well and make nice gifts. 3.Cover the can with the clip-art picture and rubber band it so it doesn't slide around. 4.Poke holes in the can in the shape of the clip art with a hammer and a nail. Try to space the holes equally apart and be consistent with size. 5.Let ice melt, dry can and spray paint (white), it may need a second coat. Use another nail to wittle the holes to equal one another when dry. 6.Place a tea light candle in the can and put it on a trivet in a safe dark place. If you want, you can decorate it with some ribbon.
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(SJoh670309) Greeting Card Gift Box (Caution) Greeting Card Craft Knife Sturdy Cutting Surface Pencil Ruler Scissors
Turn the card over with the back of the card facing up. Use the craft knife to trim off about an eighth of an inch at the fold of the card to remove the fold and to separate the top of the card from the bottom of the card. Using the craft knife again, trim about an eighth of an inch off of one short and one long side of the bottom of the card and set it aside. These cuts are made to insure that the bottom of the card will be smaller than the top and will fit inside the top of the box when the box is completed. Turn the top of the card over with the back of it facing up. Using the ruler and the pencil, mark off one inch and one half inch lines on all four sides of the card, measuring from the outside edges of the card. (See Hint) Using the back of the craft knife blade against the ruler, score the marked one inch and one half inch lines. Using the scissors, cut the marked lines on both short ends of the card up to where the drawn lines intersect. Fold in all four one inch scored lines of the top of the card. Unfold these folds and then fold in the sides to the one half inch scored lines and then fold to the one inch lines again. This will have made all four sides of the card into the sides of the box. Tuck the short folded sides under the long folded sides and you have the top of your box. With some cards, it helps to put a dot of glue under the folded corners of the box to hold the corners in place. Repeat the above instructions with the bottom of the card to make the bottom of the box and then place the top of the box on the bottom of the box and fill your handmade treasure box with a special goodie to give to a family member or a friend. Hint: When you have to make the same measurement repeatedly on a project, cut a piece of scrap cardboard of that measurement and use it instead of having to repeat the measurement with a ruler. Note: These instructions are a little complicated the first time you read through them, but once you've done it, it's very easy to repeat. It helps a great deal to do this project first with a piece of scrap paper or a scrap card before trying it on a card you wish to make into a box. These instructions are for a card that has a rectangular shape, but I'm sure it will work with a square card, although I've never tried it myself. These boxes can be made from baby or wedding cards and glued to a wreath for a wonderful memory wreath.
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Helpful Household Hints (TeriGirl10) Alka-Seltzer Clean a toilet. Drop in two Alka-Seltzer tablets, wait twenty minutes, brush, and flush. The citric acid and effervescent action clean vitreous china.
Clean a vase. To remove a stain from the bottom of a glass vase or cruet, fill with water and drop in two Alka-Seltzer tablets.
Polish jewelry. Drop two Alka-Seltzer tablets into a glass of water and immerse the jewelry for two minutes.
Clean a thermos bottle. Fill the bottle with water, drop in four Alka-Seltzer tablets, and let soak for an hour (or longer, if necessary).
Remove burned-on grease from a pot or pan. Fill the pot or pan with water, drop in six Alka-Seltzer tablets, let soak for one hour, then scrub as usual.
Unclog a drain. Clear the sink drain by dropping three Alka-Seltzer tablets down the drain followed by a cup of Heinz White Vinegar. Wait a few minutes, then run the hot water.
Get short-term relief from nicotine withdrawl symptoms. As long as you're not on a low-sodium diet or have peptic ulcers , drink two Alka-Seltzer tablets dissolved in a glass of water at every meal.
Soothe insect bites. Dissolve two Alka-Seltzer tablets in a glass of water, dip a cloth into the solution, and place the cloth on the bite for twenty minutes. Something Crafty For You To Do
Bounce Repel mosquitoes. Tie a sheet of Bounce through a belt loop when outdoors during mosquito season.
Eliminate static electricity from your television screen. Since Bounce is designed to help eliminate static cling, wipe your television screen with a used sheet of Bounce to keep dust from resettling.
Dissolve soap scum from shower doors. Clean with a used sheet of Bounce.
Freshen the air in your home. Place an individual sheet of Bounce in a drawer or hang one in the closet.
Prevent thread from tangling. Run a threaded needle through a sheet of Bounce to eliminate the static cling on the thread before sewing.
Eliminate static cling from pantyhose. Rub a damp, used sheet of Bounce over the hose.
Prevent musty suitcases. Place an individual sheet of Bounce inside empty luggage before storing.
Freshen the air in your car. Place a sheet of Bounce under the front seat.
Clean baked-on food from a cooking pan. Put a sheet in the pan, fill with water, let sit overnight, and sponge clean. The antistatic agents apparently weaken the bond between the food and the pan while the fabric softening agents soften the baked-on food.
Eliminate odors in wastebaskets. Place a sheet of Bounce at the bottom of the wastebasket.
Collect cat hair. Rubbing the area with a sheet of Bounce will magnetically attract all the loose hairs.
Eliminate static electricity from venetian blinds. Wipe the blinds with a sheet of Bounce to prevent dust from resettling.
Wipe up sawdust from drilling or sandpapering. A used sheet of Bounce will collect sawdust like a tack cloth.
Eliminate odors in dirty laundry. Place an individual sheet of Bounce at the bottom of a laundry bag or hamper.
Deodorize shoes or sneakers. Place a sheet of Bounce in your shoes or sneakers overnight so they'll smell great in the morning.
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Jif Peanut Butter Shave. Former senator Barry Goldwater of Arizona once shaved with peanut butter while on a camping trip. (For best results, avoid shaving with Jif Extra Crunchy.)
Remove bubblegum from hair. Rub a dollop of Jif peanut butter into the bubblegum.
Remove airplane glue or cement glue from furniture. Simply rub the dried glue with Jif peanut butter.
Grease a car or truck axle. George Washington Carver developed axle grease from peanuts.
Make peanut soup. Peanut butter is the main ingredient in any recipe for peanut soup.
Trap mice or rats. Bait a mouse or rat trap with Jif peanut butter. Mice actually prefer peanut butter over cheese.
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Maxwell House® Coffee Dye fabric brown inexpensively. Soak the fabric in a bucket of strong black Maxwell House coffee. This technique is also a good way to cover up an unremovable coffee stain on a white table cloth.
Fertilize a garden or houseplants. Work Maxwell House coffee grounds into the topsoil.
Repair scratched woodwork. Mix a teaspoon instant Maxwell House coffee with two teaspoons water. Apply to the scratch with a cotton ball.
Start a charcoal fire. Remove the top and bottom of an empty Maxwell House coffee can and punch a few holes in the sides of the can. Stand the can in your barbecue grill, fill it with charcoal briquets, add lighter fluid, and light. When the coals glow, remove the hot can with tongs and set in a safe place.
Prevent dampness in closets. Fill an empty Maxwell House coffee can with Kingsford charcoal briquets, punch holes in the plastic cover, and set on the floor in the back of the closet.
Repel ants. Sprinkle dried Maxwell House coffee grounds outside doors and cracks. Coffee deters ants.
Relieve a hangover. Drink a couple of cups of Maxwell House coffee. Coffee acts as a vasoconstrictor, reducing the swelling of blood vessels that causes headache.
Spread grass seed or fertilizer. Punch holes in the bottom of an empty can of Maxwell House Coffee, fill with grass seed or fertilizer, cover with the plastic lid, and shake the can as you walk through your garden.
Transport live fishing bait. Keep worms in a Maxwell House coffee can filled with moist coffee grounds.
Keep toilet paper waterproof while camping. Carry a roll of toilet paper inside an empty Maxwell House Coffee can.
Protect baby tomato plants. Remove the top and bottom from Maxwell House coffee cans, place a can over each plant, and step on the can to set firmly in the soil. Remove cans when plants are a few weeks old.
Grow better melons. Raise melons off the ground by resting them on top of upside-down empty Maxwell House Coffee cans pushed into the soil. The metal cans accumulate heat, making the fruit ripen earlier and repelling insects.
Keep paintbrush bristles from bending while soaking in solvent. Put solvent in an empty Maxwell House coffee can, cut an X in the plastic lid, and push the brush handle up through the slit so the brush hangs in the can rather than resting on its bristles.
Highlight brown or red hair. Rinse your hair with Maxwell House coffee for a rich and shiny color.
Deodorize the refrigerator and freezer. Place a bowl filled with Maxwell House coffee grounds on the back shelf.
Patch woodwork. Mix dry instant Maxwell House coffee with spackling paste until you achieve the desired brown tone, fill the crack or hole, and smooth with a damp cloth.
Clean a restaurant grill. Pour left-over brewed Maxwell House coffee over a hot or cold grill and wipe clean.
Wrap cookies and candies. Cover an empty Maxwell House coffee can with wrapping paper, fill with cookies or candy, cover with the plastic lid, then wrap.
Cover spots on black suede. Sponge on a little black Maxwell House coffee.
Make emergency lights. Wrap reflector tape around a couple of empty Maxwell House coffee cans and store in the trunk of your car for emergencies.
Make stilts. String rope through holes punched in the closed ends of two empty Maxwell House coffee cans.
Store nails, screws, bolts, and washers. Maxwell House coffee cans make perfect storage containers.
Improvise a Jell-O mold. Use an empty Maxwell House coffee can.
Store cat box filler in the trunk of your car for emergencies. Cat box filler, stored in empty Maxwell House coffee cans, can be used for traction under the wheels of a car stuck in snow or ice.
Flavor spaghetti. Add one-quarter to one-half teaspoon of instant Maxwell House coffee to spaghetti sauce. Coffee gives store-bought spaghetti sauce brown coloring and a less acidic flavor
Subject: Here a Planet Proctor for ya Date: Tue, 20 Apr 1999
14:00:24 -0700 From: Magic Mike B Organization: Magic, Photos, WAVs, Jokes,
Recipes, and Links http://funandmagic.com/ To: "Magic Mike's Magic Mailout"
<"Magic Mailouts"
Subject: PP 99 - 9 Date: Tue, 20 Apr 1999 16:03:01 -0400 From: Phil Proctor <PProctor@compuserve.com To: AAA <pproctor@compuserve.com
(((((((((((((((((((((((((((((( PLANET PROCTOR 99 - 9 http://www.planetproctor.com
"STOP THE BOMBING. JUST DO IT." Belgrade rally sign - Hank Rosenfeld
NOT A BOMB According to Associated Press in ceremonies at Yugoslavia's Academy of Emotion Pictures, the American entry "Wag The Dog" received the coveted Slobby as Best Non-Fiction Film last Saturday. The movie tells the story of a U.S. president who has an affair with a young girl in a beret and then creates an artificial war in Albania to cover it up. After a run last summer, it was shown on TV March 26, two days after Nato (which is spelled "HATO" in cyrillic) began bombing the Serbs, (spelled "PAIN" in Croatian).
"'A Bug's Life.' Wasn't that the Linda Tripp story?"- Whoopi Goldberg at the 71st Academy Awards
IT'$ FREE -- FREE!!! YES, FREE ONE DOLLAR BILLS! Please send $4.95 to cover postage & handling. Limit 1 per order. Void where prohibited by law. Each request must be mailed in a separate envelope. Offer may be withdrawn at any time. Checks take 4-6 weeks to clear, for faster service use money order or send cash by registered mail. Please pass this offer on to your friends! (Tiny Dr Tim)
"The picture I'm quite sure I'm going to do next...[is] about a gynecologist in Texas that's pussy-whipped. I'm very high on that." - Robert Altman in Entertainment Today.
AND THE SILVER AWARD GOES TO... You -- if your ears are hairier than your head, you feel like the night before, and you haven't been anywhere; you consider coffee one of the most important things in life, sing along with elevator music, and your best friend is dating someone half their age -- without breaking the law. You buy a compass for the dash of your car, constantly talk about the price of gasoline and no longer think of speed limits as a challenge. You would rather go to work than stay home sick.. You answer a question with, "Because I said so!", and you know all the answers -- but nobody asks you the questions. You send money to PBS, you wear black socks with sandals and take a metal detector to the beach. You know what the word "equity" means, get into a heated argument about pension plans and turn out the lights for economic rather than romantic reasons. You can go bowling -- without drinking. You can't remember the last time you laid on the floor to watch television, but you got cable for the Weather Channel; you talk about "good grass" referring to your lawn. You have a party and the neighbors don't even realize it. You sit in a rocking chair -- and can't get it going. "I'd like to thank...but I can't remember..."
"I'm not losing hair -- I'm gaining face." Rev. David J. Walker
SIX RULES FOR LONGEVITY 1. Do not smoke while sleeping, or in the shower. 2. Drink hard liquor only when you are alone, or with somebody. 3. Limit yourself to two types of food -- Hot or Cold. 4. Never eat more than you can lift. 5 Never run after a streetcar or bus when you're on one. 6. A daily shot of scotch to ward off meteors, has proven to be 100% effective.
"Re: Band Names -- how could you overlook my personal favorite, 'Grandpa Becomes A Fungus'?" - Diana Waggoner
A STIFF ONE BEFORE LIGHTS OUT A man goes to visit his 85-year-old granddad in hospital. "How are you grandpa?", he asks."Feeling fine," says the old man. "What's the food like?" "Terrific, wonderful menus." "And the nursing?" "Just couldn't be better. These young nurses really take care of you." "What about sleeping? Do you sleep OK?" "No problem at all. At 10 every night, they bring me a cup of hot chocolate and a Viagra tablet, and that's it. I go out like a light." The grandson is a little alarmed and goes to the head nurse. "I'm told you're giving an 85-year-old man Viagra with cocoa on a daily basis." "Oh, yes," replies the nurse. "It works wonderfully well. The chocolate makes him sleep, and the Viagra stops him from rolling out of bed."
"The Melissa virus mutated into the Monica virus -- it only does laptops."
NOTES ON THE BIZ Here's a refreshingly frank note I found on a piece of commercial copy: "We're looking for a stable of tag announcers: two men and two women. We're talking scale performers here. The work will be unspectacular but probably steady as requests from the field come in. So it goes." At this reading, I chatted with a fellow character actor who told me he had lost several recent TV series guest-starring roles because the producers said he was "Too dead on." They told his agent that when he read, "It sounded like the part had been written for him." So it goes...
"The words most often used in radio commercials are, in order of frequency, 'you, good, wonderful, better, fine, best, effective, and natural', according to a University of Wisconsin study." - Richard Fish
DON'T BE A TOWEL HEAD Instructions for using a cloth towel loop in a Universal studio restroom: 1. Pull towel down gently with both hands. 2. Wipe hands and face. 3. WARNING: Do not attempt to hang from towel, or insert your head into the towel loop. Failure to follow these simple instructions can be harmful or injurious.
"Could you drive any better if I shoved that cell phone up your ASS?"
THOSE WERE THEE BAD OLDE DAYES Edward Albee noted recently on NPR that "Back in Elizabethan days, there were three things that people could do for an evening's entertainment after dinner. They could go to an executions, which were sold out pretty quickly. They could go to bear baiting, which then sold out. And if they couldn't get into executions or bear baiting -- then they'd go see 'King Lear.'"
WHO'S AFRAID OF Y2K/ LA LA LA, LA LA... Anne Hathaway became the wife of William Shakespeare at the age of 26, late for those days, as most married at 11 or 12. She was probably a June bride, since everybody took their yearly bath in May (but just to be safe, brides would carry a bouquet of flowers). The "bath" was in a communal hot tub where the man of the house went first, followed by all the other sons and men, the women, the children, and lastly, the babies. By then the water was so dirty they warned, "Don't throw the baby out with the bath water." Before her marriage, Anne lived in a 3-bedroom house with a small parlor (for company), a kitchen, and no bathroom. Her parents had their room and Anne slept on a queen-sized bed with 2 sisters and 6 servant girls all laid together crosswise. The other bedroom, sans bed, held her 6 brothers and 30 field workers, wrapped in blankets on the floor. The men were diminuative, about 5'6", women, 4'8", so they had 27 people in the house -- but with no heating, all those bodies kept everybody warm. The houses were topped with thick straw, and pets and other small critters (like mice, rats and bugs), lived there, and when the weather turned nasty, "it rained cats and dogs." Falling bugs and other droppings were a constant annoyance so beds were built with big posts and a sheet over the top -- our fancy 4-posters with canopies. The floors were earthen (if you were "dirt poor"), but the wealthy had slate floors, covered with thresh in winter, often becoming so thick that when you opened the door it would spill outside. The solution? A piece of wood at the entry -- a "thresh hold".
DON'T READ THIS BEFORE DINNER A big kettle hung over the fire in the kitchen into which mostly vegetables were tossed for a nightly stew, so it was not uncommon for food to be there for a month! ("Peas porridge hot, peas porridge cold, peas porridge in the pot nine days old.") If they ever got hold of some pork it'd go onto a rack in the parlor, showing that a guy "could really bring home the bacon." Then you could all sit around and "chew the fat." Most ate from trenchers -- a piece of wood with the middle scooped out like a bowl, making a great breeding ground for worms and leading to "trench mouth." (If you stayed at an Inn, they usually provided the bed -- but not "the board.") Bread was divided according to status. The workers would get the burnt bottom of the loaf, the family would get the middle, and guests would get the top -- the "upper crust". If you were well off, you ate off plates of pewter, but sometimes lead would leach out into the food, especially with tomatoes. So they stopped eating tomatoes. (For 400 years.) They also drank from lead vessels, so if someone was really "in their cups" they 'd be "dead drunk" for a couple of days; and it became customary to lay them out on the kitchen table while the family gathered round to eat and drink, hoping they would "wake". People were often buried alive, so a string was tied to their wrist, running up through the ground and attached to a bell. The poor chap who had to sit in the graveyard all night to listen for it was on the "graveyard shift" but that way a "dead ringer" might be "saved by the bell".
"The only difference between a rut and a grave is the depth."
"WO-MEN" IN CHINESE MEANS "US" A man is driving up a steep mountain road. A woman is driving down the same road. As they pass each other, the woman leans out her window and yells "PIG!" The man immediately leans out his and replies "BITCH!" They each continue on their way, and as the man rounds the next corner he crashes into a pig in the middle of the road and dies. (Shelley Herman)
"Ah, yes, 'Divorce', from the Latin word meaning to rip out a man's genitals through his wallet." - Robin Williams
WHY DON"T WE DO IT IN THE ROAD? The Firesign tour continues end of this week with 4 days at the Alladin in Portland and 4 more at the Bagley-Wright in Seattle. And could it be that Nick Danger will be making an appearance in the second act? Stay tuned...
"After making love I said to my girl, 'Was it good for you too?' And she said, 'I don't think this was good for anybody.'" -- Gary Shandling
+++++++++++(4/13/99)++++++++++ * FIRESIGN SITE: http://www.firesigntheatre.com * FIREZINE: http://www.intrepid.net/~firezine/ * FIRESIGN PRODUCT: http://www.lodestone-media.com * FUNNY TIMES: http://www.funnytimes.com
PLANET PROCTOR (C) 1999 by Phil Proctor
Subject: 2 sharez, 2 mots, 2 jokes Date: Mon, 19 Apr 1999
23:36:04 -0700 From: Magic Mike B Organization: Magic, Photos, WAVs, Jokes,
Recipes, and Links http://funandmagic.com/ To: "Magic Mike's Magic Mailout"
<"Magic Mailouts"
Hi, Here's another pic of the Wave of the Arizona SW. http://funandmagic.com/photolinks2.htm Here's two sharewares you might like. SPINNER.COM 100+ CHANNELS AND 150,000 SONGS FOR FREE? Download SPINNER PLUS, Spinner.com's free music player with over 100 unique channels and 150,000+ songs. Click now and start enjoying the music! http://www.pcworld.com/r/tw/1%2C2061%2Ctw-spinner499-tw%2C00.html
RegClean This utility cleans your registry of unnecessary entries that were created when you installed or uninstalled programs on your computer. This release of the utility fixes a few problems and creates an "undo.reg" file so that you can undo the changes you inadvertently make to your system registry. http://www.pcworld.com/r/shw/1%2C2087%2C4666%2C00.html
Here's two daily "mot"s
YOUR DISPOSITION DETERMINES YOUR SUCCESS.
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What happens to you is less significan't than what happens inside you. Recognize that all things are difficult before they are easy.
You reveal yourself to the world by your behavior. What you do and say, tells everyone all that you are.
The thoughts you have chosen have brought you to where you are today. Change your thoughts and you change your actions. Change your actions and you are on the road to success.
You can preach a better sermon with your life than with your lips.
THE POWER TO CHOSE IS YOUR GREATEST POWER.
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At anytime, you can decide to alter the course of your life. No one can ever take that away from you.
You can control your own destiny, make yourself do what ever is possible, make yourself become whatever you long to be.
You don't have to buy from anyone. You don't have to work at a particular job. You don't have to participate in any given relationship. You can choose.
The choice is yours. It is always your next move.
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©1999 Written by: Mentor2006@aol.com
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Have a magic day. Pass it on. Magic Mike http://funandmagic.com/ A Mom's Dictionary
AIRPLANE: What Mom impersonates to get a 1-yr.-old to eat strained beets.
ALIEN: What Mom would suspect had invaded her house if she spotted a child-sized creature cleaning up after itself.
APPLE: Nutritious lunchtime dessert which children will trade for cupcakes. BABY: 1) Dad, when he gets a cold. 2) Mom's youngest child, even if he's 42.
BATHROOM: a room used by the entire family, believed by all (except Mom) to be self-cleaning.
"BECAUSE": Mom's reason for having kids do things which can't be explained logically.
BED AND BREAKFAST: Two things the kids will never make for themselves.
CARPET: Expensive floor covering used to catch spills and clean mud off shoes.
CAR POOL: Complicated system of transportation where Mom always winds up going the furthest, with the biggest bunch of kids, who have had the most sugar.
CHINA: Legendary nation reportedly populated by children who love leftover vegetables.
COOK: 1) Act of preparing food for consumption. 2) Mom's other name.
COUCH POTATO: What Mom finds under the sofa cushions after the kids eat dinner.
DATE: Infrequent outings with Dad where Mom can enjoy worrying about the kids in a different setting.
DRINKING GLASS: Any carton or bottle left open in the fridge.
DUST: Insidious interloping particles of evil that turn a home into a battle zone.
DUST RAGS: See "DAD'S UNDERWEAR."
EAR: A place where kids store dirt.
EAT: What kids do between meals, but not at them.
EMPTY NEST: See "WISHFUL THINKING."
ENERGY: Element of vitality kids always have an oversupply of until asked to do something.
"EXCUSE ME": One of Mom's favorite phrases, reportedly used in past times by children.
EYE: The highly susceptible optic nerve which, according to Mom, can be "putout" by anything from a suction-arrow to a carelessly handled butter knife.
FABLE: A story told by a teenager arriving home after curfew.
FOOD: The response Mom usually gives in answer to the question "What's for dinner tonight?" See "SARCASM"
FROZEN: 1) A type of food. 2) How hell will be like when Mom lets her daughter date an older guy with a motorcycle.
GARBAGE: A collection of refuse items, the taking out of which Mom assigns to a different family member each week, then winds up doing herself.
GENIUSES: Amazingly, all of Mom's kids.
GUM: Adhesive for the hair.
HAMPER: A wicker container with a lid, usually surrounded by, but not containing, dirty clothing.
HANDI-WIPES: Pants, shirtsleeves, drapes, etc.
HANDS: Body appendages which must be scrubbed raw with volcanic soap and sterilized in boiling water immediately prior to consumption of the evening meal.
HINDSIGHT: What Mom experiences from changing too many diapers.
HOMEMADE BREAD: An object of fiction like the Fountain of Youth and the Golden Fleece.
ICE: Cubes of frozen water which would be found in small plastic tray if kids or husbands ever filled the darn things instead of putting them back in the freezer empty.
INSIDE: That place that will suddenly look attractive to kids once Mom has spent a minimum of half an hour getting them ready to go outside.
"I SAID SO": Reason enough, according to Mom.
JACKPOT: When all the kids stay at friends' homes for the night.
JEANS: Which, according to kids, are appropriate for just about any occasion, including church and funerals.
JOY RIDE: Going somewhere without the kids.
JUNK: Dad's stuff.
KETCHUP: The sea of tomato-based goop kids use to drown the dish that Mom spent hours cooking and years perfecting to get the seasoning just right.
KISS: Mom medicine.
LAKE: Large body of water into which a kid will jump should his friends do so.
LEMONADE STAND: Complicated business venture where Mom buys powdered mix, sugar, lemons, and paper cups, and sets up a table, chairs, pitchers and ice for kids who sit there for three to six minutes and net a profit of 15 cents.
LIE: An "exaggeration" Mom uses to transform her child's papier-mache volcano science project into a Nobel Prize-winning experiment and a full-ride scholarship to Harvard.
LOSERS: See "Kids' Friends"
MAKEUP: Lipstick, eyeliner, blush, etc., which ironically make Mom look better while making her young daughter look "cheap."
MAYBE: No.
MILK: A healthful beverage which kids will gladly drink once it's turned into junk food by the addition of sugar and cocoa.
"MOMMMMMMM!": The cry of a child on another floor who wants something.
MUSH: 1) What a kid loves to do with a plateful of food. 2) Main element of Mom's favorite movies.
NAILS: A hard covering on the end of the finger, which Mom can never have a full set of due to pitching for batting practice, opening stubborn modeling clay lids and removing heat ducts to retrieve army men and/or doll clothing.
PANIC: What a mother goes through when the darn wind-up swing stops.
OCEAN: What the bathroom floor looks like after bath night for kids, assorted pets, two or three full-sized towels and several dozen toy boats, cars and animals.
OPEN: The position of children's mouths when they eat in front of company.
OVERSTUFFED RECLINER: Mom's nickname for Dad.
PENITENTIARY: Where children who don't eat their vegetables or clean their rooms eventually end up, according to Mom.
PETS: Small, furry creatures which follow kids home so Mom will have someone else to clean up after.
PIANO: A large, expensive musical instrument which, after thousands of dollars worth of lessons and constant harping by Mom, kids will refuse to play in front of company.
PURSE: A handbag in which Mom carries the checkbook and keys she can never find because they're buried under tissues, gum wrappers, a plastic container full of cereal, toys from a fast-food restaurant, a teddy bear, a football, wallpaper samples, a grocery list and several outdated coupons.
QUIET: A state of household serenity which occurs before the birth of the first child and occurs again after the last child has left for college.
RAINCOAT: Article of clothing Mom bought to keep a child dry and warm, rendered ineffective because it's in the bottom of a locker stuffed in a book bag or because the child refuses to wear "the geeky thing."
REFRIGERATOR: Combination art gallery and air-conditioner for the kitchen.
ROOM MOTHER: A position of great honor and responsibility bestowed on a mom who inadvertently misses a PTA meeting.
SCHOOL PLAY: Sadistic ritual in which adults derive pleasure from watching offspring stumble through coarse reenactments of famous historic events.
SCREAMING: Home P.A. system.
SNOWSUITS: Warm, padded outer garments that, when completely zipped and snapped performs two important functions: Protecting children from the cold and reminding them that they have to go to the bathroom.
SOAP: A cleaning agent Mom puts on the sink on the off-chance one of her kids will accidentally grab it while reaching for the towel.
SPIT: All-purpose cleaning fluid especially good on kids' faces.
SPOILED ROTTEN: What the kids become after as little as 15 minutes with Grandma.
SWEATER: Magically charmed article of clothing that can ward away colds, flu and even pneumonia.
CORDUROY Attractive, expensive children's clothing made of a fabric which attracts melted chocolate and grape juice.
TEACHER CONFERENCE: A meeting between Mom and that person who has yet to understand her child's "special needs."
TERRIBLE TWO'S: Having both kids at home all summer.
"THAT WAY": How kids shouldn't look at moms if they know what's good for them. Also applies to how they talk.
TOWELS: See "FLOOR COVERINGS"
TROUBLE: Area of nonspecific space a child can always be sure to be in.
UMPTEENTH: Highly conservative estimate of the number of times Mom must instruct her offspring to do something before it actually gets done.
UNDERWEAR: An article of clothing, the cleanliness of which ensures the wearer will never have an accident.
UTOPIA: See "BUBBLE BATH"
VACATION: Where you take the family to get away from it all, only to find it there, too.
VITAMINS: Tiny facsimiles of cave people Mom forces you to swallow each morning as part of her sinister plot to have you grow up to be "Just like Daddy."
WALLS: Complete set of drawing paper for kids that comes with every room.
WASHING MACHINE: Household appliance used to clean blue jeans, permanent ink markers, loose change, homework, tissues and wads of gum.
"WHEN YOUR FATHER GETS HOME": Standard measurement of time between crime and punishment.
XOXOXOXO: Mom salutation guaranteed to make the already embarrassing note in a kid's lunch box even more mortifying.
XYLOPHONE: Small toy musical instrument often given as gifts to children who show their appreciation by playing the stupid thing constantly, over and over, all day long! See also "DRUMS"
YARD SALE: Heart-wrenching emotional process wherein Mom plans to sell kid's outdated toys and clothing that she decides at the last minute are treasured mementos she can't bear to part with.
"YIPPEE!": What Mom would jump up and shout if the school year was changed to 12 months. See also "YAHOO!"
ZILLION: Amount of times Mom must have gone to the supermarket already this week.
ZUCCHINI: Vegetable which can be baked, boiled, fried or steamed before kids refuse to eat it.-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=
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What doctors say, and what they're really thinking:
"This should be taken care of right away." I'd planned a trip to Hawaii next month but this is so easy and profitable that I want to fix it before it cures itself.
"Welllllll, what have we here...?" He has no idea and is hoping you'll give him a clue.
"Let me check your medical history." I want to see if you've paid your last bill before spending any more time with you.
"Why don't we make another appointment later in the week." I'm playing golf this afternoon, and this a waste of time. --or-- I need the bucks, so I'm charging you for another office visit.
"We have some good news and some bad news." The good news is, I'm going to buy that new BMW. The bad news is, you're going to pay for it.
"Let's see how it develops." Maybe in a few days it will grow into something that can be cured.
"Let me schedule you for some tests." I have a forty percent interest in the lab.
"I'd like to have my associate look at you." He's going through a messy divorce and owes me a bundle.
"I'd like to prescribe a new drug." I'm writing a paper and would like to use you for a guinea pig.
"If it doesn't clear up in a week, give me a call." I don't know what it is. Maybe it will go away by itself.
"That's quite a nasty looking wound." I think I'm going to throw up.
"This may smart a little." Last week two patients bit off their tongues.
"Well, we're not feeling so well today, are we...?" I'm stalling for time. Who are you and why are you here?
"This should fix you up." The drug company slipped me some big bucks to prescribe this stuff.
"Everything seems to be normal." Rats! I guess I can't buy that new beach condo after all.
"I'd like to run some more tests." I can't figure out what's wrong. Maybe the kid in the lab can solve this one.
"Do you suppose all this stress could be affecting your nerves?" You're crazier'n an outhouse rat. Now, if I can only find a shrink who'll split fees with me ...
"There is a lot of that going around." My God, that's the third one this week. I'd better learn something about this.
"If those symptoms persist, call for an appointment." I've never heard of anything so disgusting. Thank God I'm off next week
Subject: Wave, Waltz, Words of Wisdom Date: Sun, 18 Apr 1999
11:04:50 -0700 From: Magic Mike B < Organization: Magic, Photos,
WAVs, Jokes, Recipes, and Links http://funandmagic.com/ To: "Magic Mike's
Magic Mailout" <"Magic Mailouts"
Hi, Today's pic is Reflection of The Wave, wonderful photos of the SW Arizona landscape. http://funandmagic.com/photolinks2.htm I am a sucker for a good tune. <A HREF="http://www.geocities.com/Athens/Agora/6695/waltz.html"TENNESSEE WALTZ </A Yesterday I sent a fun piece on pets. We expect a lot from our pets. Below is all the things a dog must remember. Lot of links below. Here's three more. <A HREF="http://www.barbecuen.com/"http://www.barbecuen.com/</A no brainer <A HREF="http://www.bbchannel.com/"http://www.bbchannel.com/</A (bed and breakfast) <A HREF="http://www.bidfind.com/"http://www.bidfind.com/</A Have a magic day. Magic Mike http://funandmagic.com/ Things A Dog Must Remember!
I will not play tug-of-war with Dad's underwear when he's on the toilet.
The garbage collector is NOT stealing our stuff.
I do not need to suddenly stand straight up when I'm lying under the coffee table.
I will not roll my toys behind the fridge.
I must shake the rainwater out of my fur BEFORE entering the house.
I will not eat the cats' food, either before or after they eat it.
I will stop trying to find the few remaining pieces of clean carpet in the house when I am about to throw up.
I will not throw up in the car.
I will not roll on cow flops, dead seagulls, fish, crabs, etc.
I will not lick my human's face after eating animal poop.
Kitty box crunchies are not food.
I will not eat any more socks and then redeposit them in the backyard after processing.
The diaper pail is not a cookie jar.
I will not wake Mommy up by sticking my cold, wet nose up her bottom end.
I will not chew my human's toothbrush and not tell them.
I will not chew crayons or pens, especially not the red ones, or my people will think I am hemorrhaging.
When in the car, I will not insist on having the window rolled down when it's raining outside.
We do not have a doorbell. I will not bark each time I hear one on TV.
I will not steal my Mom's underwear and dance all over the back yard with it.
The sofa is not a face towel. Neither are Mom & Dad's laps.
My head does not belong in the refrigerator.
I will not bite the officer's hand when he reaches in for Mom's driver's license and car registration.-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=
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xxx-rated The Definition of All Emotions
Definition of patience A naked woman lying down with her legs apart under a banana tree
Definition of frustration: A boxer trying to scratch his balls.
Definition of Innocence A teenager girl applying Clearasil to her nipples.
Definition of Unemployment Cobwebs in the hole of the prostitute.
Definition of laziness: A guy lying on a girl and waiting for an earthquake to do the rest.
Definition of Competition: A guy peeing beside a waterfall.
Definition of Sophistication: Sucking nipples with a straw.
Definition of Disgust: While wiping after a good toilet dump, your finger pokes through the paper.
Definition of Technology Condom with zip.
Definition of Trouble: A one handed man hanging from a cliff and his ass itching --=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=
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Just for some fun :)
The earth does not belong to us. We borrow it from our children.
Everything is sweeter when shared with a friend.
Each happiness of yesterday is a memory for tomorrow.
Of all the blessings that time and life bestow there is none so precious as a friend.
See each day with the bright, fresh eyes of a child.
There is nothing like laughter to brighten our days.
The happy thought that lasts a moment can bring joy that lasts all day.
Take a risk, take a chance, join the club, join the dance, learn to fly, learn to soar, strive for joy, strive for more, be brave just DO, be brave--be YOU.
Those who bring sunshine into the lives of others cannot keep it from themselves.
The men who build the future are those who know that greater things are yet to come, and that they themselves will help bring them about. Their minds are illuminated by the blazing sun of hope. They never stop to doubt. They haven't the time.
A person's a person no matter how small.
A journey of a thousand miles begins with a single step.
To laugh often and much; to win the respect of intelligent people and the affection of children; to earn the approbation of honest critics and endure the betrayal of false friends; to appreciate beauty; to find the best in others; to give of one's self; to leave the world a bit better, whether by a healthy child, a garden patch, or a redeemed social condition; to have played and laughed with enthusiasm and sung with exultation; to know even one life has breathed easier because you have lived: this is to have succeeded.-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=
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-=
The Size Of Your Heart
It isn't the size of your house as such That matters so much at all. It's the gentle hand and its loving touch, That make it great or small.
The friends who come and the hour they go, Who out of your house depart, Will judge it not by the style you show, But rather by the size of your heart.
It isn't the size of your head so much, It isn't the wealth you found. That will make you happy -- it's how you touch The lives that are all around.
For making money is not hard -- To live life well is an
art: How people love you, how they regard, Is all in the size of your heart.
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Subject: The Wave, a riot of tech calls, Date: Sat, 17 Apr 1999 11:44:57 -0700 From: Mike Berger < Organization: American Reading Association To: "Magic Mike's Magic Mailout" <"Magic Mailouts"
Marriages are made in Heaven So are thunder & lightning.
Hi, Well, The National Day of Mourning is over, Tax Day. Is it any wonder that National Stress Awareness Day is April 16th? I am using Quick Books and Turbo Tax, and for the first time, it was not a major chore to file. Today's pic link for your desk is a series on the wave formations of Arizona rocks. The Wave, from below Top Rock, by Laurent Martres PhotoTripUSA.. http://funandmagic.com/photolinks2.htm Have a magic day and pass it on. Magic Mike http://funandmagic.com/ Tech support calls
At 3:37 a.m. on a Sunday, I had just looked at the clock to determine my annoyance level, when I received a frantic phone call from a new user of a Macintosh Plus. She had gotten her entire family out of the house and was calling from her neighbor's. She had just received her first system error and interpreted the picture of the bomb on the screen as a warning that the computer was going to blow up.
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Tech Support: "I need you to right-click on the Open Desktop." Customer: "Ok." Tech Support: "Did you get a pop-up menu?" Customer: "No." Tech Support: "Ok. Right click again. Do you see a pop-up menu?"
Customer: "No." Tech Support: "Ok, sir. Can you tell me what you have done up until this point?" Customer: "Sure, you told me to write 'click' and I wrote 'click'." (At this point I had to put the caller on hold to tell the rest of the tech support staff what had happened. I couldn't, however, stop from giggling when I got back to the call.) Tech Support: "Ok, did you type 'click' with the keyboard?" Customer: "I have done something dumb, right?"
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One woman called Dell's toll-free line to ask how to install the batteries in her laptop. When told that the directions were on the first page of the manual the woman replied angrily, "I just paid $2,000 for this damn thing, and I'm not going to read the book."
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Customer: "I received the software update you sent, but I am still getting the same error message." Tech Support: "Did you install the update?" Customer: "No. Oh, am I supposed to install it to get it to work?"
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Customer: "I'm having trouble installing Microsoft Word." Tech Support: "Tell me what you've done." Customer: "I typed 'A:SETUP'." Tech Support: "Ma'am, remove the disk and tell me what it says." Customer: "It says '[PC manufacturer] Restore and Recovery disk'." Tech Support: "Insert the MS Word setup disk." Customer: "What?" Tech Support: "Did you buy MS word?" Customer "No..."
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Tech Support: "Ok, in the bottom left hand side of the screen, can you see the 'OK' button displayed?" Customer: "Wow. How can you see my screen from there?"
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Customer: "Uhh...I need help unpacking my new PC." Tech Support: "What exactly is the problem?" Customer: "I can't open the box." Tech Support: "Well, I'd remove the tape holding the box closed and go from there." Customer: "Uhhhh...ok, thanks...."
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Customer: "I'm having a problem installing your software. I've got a fairly old computer, and when I type 'INSTALL', all it says is 'Bad command or file name'." Tech Support: "Ok, check the directory of the A: drive-go to A:/ and type 'dir'." Customer: reads off a list of file names, including 'INSTALL.EXE'. Tech Support: "All right, the correct file is there. Type 'INSTALL' again." Customer: "Ok." (pause) "Still says 'Bad command or file name'." Tech Support: "Hmmm. The file's there in the correct place-it can't help but do something. Are you sure you're typing I-N-S-T-A-L-L and hitting the Enter key?" Customer: "Yes, let me try it again." (pause) "Nope, still 'Bad command or file name'." Tech Support: (now really confused) "Are you sure you're typing I-N-S-T-A-L-L and hitting the key that says 'Enter'?" Customer: "Well, yeah. Although my 'N' key is stuck, so I'm using the 'M' key...does that matter?
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At our company we have asset numbers on the front of everything. They give the location, name, and everything else just by scanning the computer's asset barcode or using the number beneath the bars. Customer: "Hello. I can't get on the network." Tech Support: "Ok. Just read me your asset number so we can open an outage." Customer: "What is that?" Tech Support: "That little barcode on the front of your computer." Customer: "Ok. Big bar, little bar, big bar, big bar. . ."
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Customer: "I got this problem. You people sent me this install disk, and now my A: drive won't work." Tech Support: "Your A drive won't work?" Customer: "That's what I said. You sent me a bad disk, it got stuck in my drive, now it won't work at all." Tech Support: "Did it not install properly? What kind of error messages did you get?" Customer: "I didn't get any error message. The disk got stuck in the drive and wouldn't come out. So I got these pliers and tried to get it out. That didn't work either." Tech Support: "You did what sir?" Customer: "I got these pliers, and tried to get the disk out, but it wouldn't budge. I just ended up cracking the plastic stuff a bit." Tech Support: "I don't understand sir, did you push the eject button?" Customer: "No, so then I got a stick of butter and melted it and used a turkey baster and put the butter in the drive, around the disk, and that got it loose. Then I used the pliers and it came out fine. I can't believe you would send me a disk that was broke and defective." Tech Support: "Let me get this clear. You put melted butter in your A:drive and used pliers to pull the disk out?" At this point, I put the call on the speaker phone and motioned at the other techs to listen in. Tech Support: "Just so I am absolutely clear on this, can you repeat what you just said?" Customer: "I said I put butter in my A: drive to get your crappy disk out, then I had to use pliers to pull it out." Tech Support: "Did you push that little button that was sticking out when the disk was in the drive, you know, the thing called the disk eject button?" Silence. Tech Support: "Sir?" Customer: "Yes." Tech Support: "Sir, did you push the eject button?" Customer: "No, but you people are going to fix my computer, or I am going to sue you for breaking my computer?" Tech Support: "Let me get this straight. You are going to sue our company because you put the disk in the A: drive, didn't follow the instructions we sent you, didn't actually seek professional advice, didn't consult your user's manual on how to use your computer properly, instead proceeding to pour butter into the drive and physically rip the disk out?" Customer: "Ummmm." Tech Support: "Do you really think you stand a chance, since we do record every call and have it on tape?" Customer: (now rather humbled) "But you're supposed to help!" Tech Support: "I am sorry sir, but there is nothing we can do for you. Have a nice day."
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When you think of it, there are only two things people need. You got to have sex. You got to have food. That's it. You don't need clothing, shelter, or TV. Okay, maybe TV, but otherwise, it's sex and food. But for some reason, some people think sex is dirty. Maybe God was a Republican.
Somebody said, "All right, you want to propagate, go ahead, but only late at night, with all the doors closed, man on top, once a week, that's it." But not only can you eat the charred decaying flesh of other major mammals, you can do it in broad daylight and invite all your friends to watch: "Hey, Chuck, why don't you come over on Sunday? We're going to kill a pig, cut him up, burn him, and eat him. Bring the kids, have a hell of a time."
What if they had been switched around? What if, through a simple twist of fate, sex was clean but food was dirty? Our entire culture would change.
Food would become a four-letter word.
When people got angry at you, they'd yell out "Oh yeah? Well, food you. Suck cheese you Popsicle slurper." Punks in passing cars would flip you the fork. Flashers would have pizzas strapped to their chests. "Ohmigod. It's a pepperoni." Locker room talk would change. "Hey, man, how'd you do this weekend?" "Two burgers and a bag of fries. Crinkle cut." Garlic would be illegal in most Southern states. Supermarkets would check I.D.'s and charge admission to the poultry section. Frederick's of Hollywood would feature peekaboo napkins and day-of-the-week paper plates. Foreplay would be listed as a menu selection. Vice squads would conduct raids on backyard barbecues. "All right, put down your meat. Just back away from the buns, mister." Vegetarians would be prohibited from becoming teachers and a lot of them would move to the Bay Area. Hookers would become cooks. You'd be accosted on street corners by plump ladies in Day-Glo aprons. "Hey, big boy, looking for a hot meal? Wanna crack some crab?" Fundamental Christians would make meat and potatoes a religious tenet. Many sexual positions would be found to be carcinogenic. Parents would tell their children not to play with their food or they'll go blind. Kids would remember the first time their mother caught them marinating.
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I pulled into a town I couldn't believe still existed in the eighties. A dusty, dirt road, a little old wooden store that actually said "General Store", and that was it. There was a little old man sitting in front of the store in a rocking chair...
I said to him, "What do you folks do around here?"
He said, "We don't do nothin' but hunt n' fuck."
I said, "What do you hunt?"
He said, "Somethin' to fuck."
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A newly discovered chapter in the Book of Genesis has provided the answer to "Where did pets come from?"
Adam said, "Lord, when I was in the garden, you walked with me every day. Now I do not see you anymore. I am lonesome here and it is difficult for me to remember how much you love me."
And God said, "No problem! I will create a companion for you that will be with you forever and who will be a reflection of my love for you, so that you will love me even when you cannot see me. Regardless of how selfish or childish or unlovable you may be, this new companion will accept you as you are and will love you as I do, in spite of yourself."
And God created a new animal to be a companion for Adam. And it was a good animal. And God was pleased. And the new animal was pleased to be with Adam and he wagged his tail.
And Adam said, "Lord, I have already named all the animals in the Kingdom and I cannot think of a name for this new animal."
And God said, "No problem. Because I have created this new animal to be a reflection of my love for
you, his name will be a reflection of my own name, and you will call him
DOG."
And Dog lived with Adam and was a companion to him and loved him. And Adam was comforted. And God was pleased. And Dog was content and wagged his tail.
After a while, it came to pass that Adam's guardian angel came to the Lord and said, "Lord, Adam has become filled with pride. He struts and preens like a peacock and he believes he is worthy of adoration. Dog has indeed taught him that he is loved, but perhaps too well."
And God said, "No problem! I will create for him a companion who will be with him forever and who will see him as he is. The companion will remind him of his limitations, so he will know that he is not always worthy of adoration."
And God created CAT to be a companion to Adam. And Cat would not obey Adam. And when Adam gazed into Cat's eyes, he was reminded that he was not the
Supreme Being. And Adam learned humility.
And God was pleased. And Adam was greatly improved. And Dog was happy. And the cat didn't give a shit one way or the other.
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Subject: Spring, sprang, sprung. Six, swift, wasps. Date: Thu, 15 Apr 1999 10:47:10 -0700 From: Magic Mike B < Organization: Magic, Web's Best Photos, Jokes, Sales Training http://funandmagic.com/ To: "Magic Mike's Magic Mailout" <"Magic Mailouts"
"Dear IRS: I would like to cancel my subscription.
Please remove my name from your mailing list..." Sincerely yours,
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Hi, Try to say today's heading tongue twister. Here is a Spring that sprung from the rocks and it sprang into The Colorado River. http://funandmagic.com/photolinks2.htm Here is a bunch of fun goodies. Have a magic day and pass it on. Magic Mike parlor.htm Two Blondes were walking down the street. One noticed a compact on the sidewalk and leaned down to pick it up. She opened it, looked in the mirror and said, "Hmmm, this person looks familiar.
The second Blonde said, "Let me look!" The first Blonde handed her the compact. The second Blonde looked in the mirror and said, "You dumb shit, it's me!"
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Potential Company Mergers:
Xerox and Wurlitzer: They're going to make reproductive organs
Fairchild Electronics and Honeywell Computers: New company will be called Fairwell Honeychild
Polygram records, Warner Brothers and Keebler: new company will be called Poly Warner Cracker
W.R. Grace Co., Fuller Brush Co., Mary Kay Cosmetics and Hale Business Systems: New company will be called Hale Mary Fuller Grace
3M and Goodyear: New company will be called mmmGood
John Deere and Abitibi-Price: new company will be called Deere Abi
Honeywell, Imasco, and Home Oil: New company will be called Honey I'm Home
Denison Mines, Alliance and Metal Mining: New company will be called Mine, All Mine
3M, J.C. Penney and Canadian Opera Company: New company will be called 3 Penney Opera
Grey Poupon and Dockers Pants: New company will be called Poupon Pants
Knott's Berry Farm and National organization of Women: New company will be called Knott NOW!
Zippo Manufacturing, Audi, Dofasco, and Dakota Mining: New compant will be called Zip Audi Do-Da -=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=--=-=
One summer evening during a violent thunderstorm a mother was tucking her small boy into bed. She was about to turn off the light when he asked with a tremor in his voice, "Mommy, will you sleep with me tonight?" The mother smiled and gave him a reassuring hug. "I can't dear", she said. "I have to sleep in Daddy's room." A long silence was broken at last by a shaken little voice saying, "The big sissy."
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State Mottos
Alabama: At Least We're not Mississippi Alaska: 11,623 Eskimos Can't be Wrong! Arizona: But It's a Dry Heat Arkansas: Litterasy Ain't Everthing California: As Seen on TV Colorado: If You Don't Ski, Don't Bother Connecticut: Like Massachusetts, Only Dirtier and With Less Character Delaware: We Really Do Like the Chemicals in our Water Florida: Ask Us About Our Grandkids Georgia: We Put the "Fun" in Fundamentalist Extremism Hawaii: Haka Tiki Mou Sha'ami Leeki Toru (Death to Mainland Scum, But Leave Your Money) Idaho: More Than Just Potatoes... Well Okay, We're Not, But The Potatoes Sure Are Real Good Illinois: Please don't pronounce the "s" Indiana: 2 Billion Years Tidal Wave Free Iowa: We Do Amazing Things With Corn Kansas: First Of The Rectangle States Kentucky: Five Million People; Fifteen Last Names Louisiana: We're Not All Drunk Cajun Wackos, But That's Our Tourism Campaign Maine: We're Really Cold, But We Have Cheap Lobster Maryland: A Thinking Man's Delaware Massachusetts: Our Taxes Are Lower Than Sweden's (For Most Tax Brackets) Michigan: First Line of Defense From the Canadians Minnesota: "10,000 Lakes and 10,000,000 Mosquitoes" Mississippi: Come Feel Better About Your Own State Missouri: Your Federal Flood Relief Tax Dollars at Work Montana: Land of the Big Sky, the Unabomber, Right-Wing Crazies, and Very Little Else Nebraska: Ask About Our State Motto Contest Nevada: Whores and Poker! New Hampshire: Go Away and Leave Us Alone New Jersey: Ya Wanna ##$%##! Motto? I Got Yer ##$%##! Motto Right Here!
New Mexico: Lizards Make Excellent Pets New York: You Have the Right to Remain Silent, You Have the Right to an
Attorney... North Carolina: Tobacco is a Vegetable North Dakota: We Really are One of the 50 States! Ohio: We Wish We Were In Michigan Oklahoma: Like the Play, only No Singing Oregon: Spotted Owl... It's What's For Dinner Pennsylvania: Cook With Coal Rhode Island: We're Not REALLY An Island South Carolina: Remember the Civil War? We Didn't Actually Surrender South Dakota: Closer Than North Dakota Tennessee: The Educashun State Texas: Si' Hablo Ingles (Yes, I speak English) Utah: Our Jesus Is Better Than Your Jesus Vermont: Yep Virginia: Who Says Government Stiffs and Slackjaw Yokels Don't Mix? Washington: Help! We're Overrun By Nerds and Slackers! Washington, D.C.: Wanna Be Mayor? West Virginia: One Big Happy Family-Really! Wisconsin: Eat Cheese or Die Wyoming: Wynot?
Subject: Horseshoe Bend Date: Wed, 14 Apr 1999 11:29:28 -0700 From: Magic Mike B < Organization: Magic, Web's Best Photos, Jokes, Sales Training http://funandmagic.com/ To: "Magic Mike's Magic Mailout" <"Magic Mailouts"
Hi, Here a a black and white study of the Horseshoe Bend of the Colorado River in Arizona. http://funandmagic.com/photolinks2.htm To get Social Security Benefits report check this out. <A HREF="https://s3abaca.ssa.gov/pro/batch-pebes/bp-7004home.shtml"https://s3aba
ca.ssa.gov/pro/batch-pebes/bp-7004home.shtml </A Have a magic day and pass it on. Magic Mike parlor.htm
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=-
"How come you're late?" asks the bartender as the blonde waitress walks
in the door.
"It was awful," she explains. "I was walking down Elm street and there was this terrible accident. A man was lying in the middle of the street. He'd been thrown from his car. His leg was broken, his skull was fractured, and there was blood everywhere. Thank God I took that first-aid course and all my training came back to me in a minute."
"What did you do?" asks the bartender.
"I sat down and put my head between my knees to keep
from fainting!"
Subject: Glacial waterfall, life in the 16th century Date:
Tue, 13 Apr 1999 12:01:41 -0700 From: Magic Mike B < Organization:
Magic, Web's Best Photos, Jokes, Sales Training http://funandmagic.com/ To:
"Magic Mike's Magic Mailout" <"Magic Mailouts"
Hi, Here is a photo of twin glacial falls by Michael McGrath at SnapShot.
http://funandmagic.com/photolinks2.htm . Today begins my 3rd Federal case in District Court against Seattle for performer's rights to perform in public. They settled the previous two out of court from 1993 when they harassed me at two public fairs for a license to be a street performer. In this one, I was given 2 criminal citation tickets for performing in a waterfront park on the sidewalk in September and October of 1995. The cases were never brought to court as I wanted, hoping to prove my case. I was just made to stop. Now I am countering in Federal Court for damages and my day (set for July). I give their attorneys my deposition in an hour. So L8R, G8R. Have a magic day and pass it on. Magic Mike parlor.htm ---- Life in the 1500's -----
Anne Hathaway was the wife of William Shakespeare. She married at the age of 26. This is really unusual for the time. Most people married young, like at the age of 11 or 12. Life was not as romantic as we may picture it. Here are some examples:
Anne Hathaway's home was a 3 bedroom house with a small parlor, which was seldom used (only for company), kitchen, and no bathroom.
Mother and Father shared a bedroom. Anne had a queen sized bed, but did not sleep alone. She also had 2 other sisters and they shared the bed also with 6 servant girls. (this is before she married) They didn't sleep like we do lengthwise but all laid on the bed crosswise.
At least they had a bed. The other bedroom was shared by her 6 brothers and 30 field workers. They didn't have a bed. Everyone just wrapped up in their blanket and slept on the floor. They had no indoor heating so all the extra bodies kept them warm.
They were also small people, the men only grew to be about 5'6" and the women were 4'8". SO in their house they had 27 people living.
Most people got married in June. Why? They took their yearly bath in May, so they were till smelling pretty good by June, although they were starting to smell, so the brides would carry a bouquet of flowers to hide their b.o.
Like I said, they took their yearly bath in May, but it was just a big tub that they would fill with hot water. The man of the house would get the privilege of the nice clean water. Then all the other sons and men, then the women and finally the children. Last of all the babies. By then the water was pretty thick. Thus, the saying, "don't throw the baby out with the bath water," it was so dirty you could actually lose someone in it.
I'll describe their houses a little. You've heard of thatch roofs, well that's all they were. Thick straw, piled high, with no wood underneath.
They were the only place for the little animals to get warm. So all the pets; dogs, cats and other small animals, mice, rats, bugs, all lived in the roof. When it rained it became slippery so sometimes the animals would slip and fall off the roof. Thus the saying, "it's raining cats and dogs,"
Since there was nothing to stop things from falling into the house they would just try to clean up a lot. But this posed a real problem in the bedroom where bugs and other droppings from animals could really mess up your nice clean bed, so they found if they would make beds with big posts and hang a sheet over the top it would prevent that problem. That's where those beautiful big 4 poster beds with canopies came from.
When you came into the house you would notice most times that the floor was dirt. Only the wealthy had something other than dirt, that's where the saying "dirt poor" came from. The wealthy would have slate floors. That was fine but in the winter they would get slippery when they got wet. So they started to spread thresh on the floor to help keep their footing. As the winter wore on they would just keep adding it and adding it until when you opened the door it would all start slipping outside. SO they put a piece of wood at the entry way, a "thresh hold".
In the kitchen they would cook over the fire, they had a fireplace in the kitchen/parlor, that was seldom used and sometimes in the master bedroom. They had a big kettle that always hung over the fire and every day they would light the fire and start adding things to the pot.
Mostly they ate vegetables, they didn't get much meat. They would eat the stew for dinner then leave the leftovers in the pot to get cold overnight and then start over the next day. Sometimes the stew would have food in it that had been in there for a month! Thus the rhyme: peas porridge hot, peas porridge cold, peas porridge in the pot nine days old."
Sometimes they could get a hold on some pork. They really felt special when that happened and when company came over they even had a rack in the parlor where they would bring out some bacon and hang it to show it off.
That was a sign of wealth and that a man "could really bring home the bacon." They would cut off a little to share with guests and they would all sit
around and "chew the fat."
If you had money your plates were made out of pewter. Sometimes some of their food had a high acid content and some of the lead would leach out into the food. They really noticed it happened with tomatoes. So they stopped eating tomatoes, for 400 years.
Most people didn't have pewter plates though, they all had trenchers, that was a piece of wood with the middle scooped out like a bowl. They never washed their boards and a lot of times worms would get into the wood. After eating off the trencher with worms they would get "trench mouth." If you were going traveling and wanted to stay at an Inn they usually provided the bed but not the board.
The bread was divided according to status. The workers would get the burnt bottom of the loaf, the family would get the middle and guests would get the top, or the "upper crust".
They also had lead cups and when they would drink their ale or whiskey. The combination would sometimes knock them out for a couple of days. They would be walking along the road and here would be someone knocked out and they
thought they were dead. So they would pick them up and take them home and get them ready to bury. They realized if they were too slow about it, the person would wake up. Also, maybe not all of the people they were burying were dead. So they would lay them out on the kitchen table for a couple of days, the family would gather around and eat and drink and wait and see if they would wake up. That's where the custom of holding a "wake" came from.
Since England is so old and small they started running out of places to bury people. So they started digging up some coffins and would take their bones to a house and re-use the grave. They started opening these coffins and found some had scratch marks on the inside.
One out of 25 coffins were that way and they realized they had still been burying people alive. So they thought they would tie a string on their wrist and lead it through the coffin and up through the ground and tie it to a
bell. Someone would have to sit out in the graveyard all
night to listen for the bell. That is how the saying "graveyard shift"
was made. If the bell would ring they would know that someone was "saved
by the bell" or he was a "dead ringer".
Subject: Lake Powell, fun stuff. Date: Mon, 12 Apr 1999 10:07:27
-0700 From: Magic Mike B < Organization: Magic, Web's Best Photos,
Jokes, Sales Training http://funandmagic.com/ To: "Magic Mike's Magic Mailout"
<"Magic Mailouts"
Hi, Here is a wonderful photo of the rock formations at Lake Powell, Utah. http://funandmagic.com/photolinks2.htm . These are cute visual, arty game things? http://www.multimania.com/goprof/glorb.htm http://www.multimania.com/goprof/tao.htm http://www.multimania.com/goprof/dancer.htm http://www.multimania.com/goprof/ Hey, don't forget my magic download tip. Cancel three seconds into any download (or a slow page) and do it again! The 2nd or 3rd download is 2 to 5 times faster. Check out my WAV page for "Ain't No Mountain High Enough", Marvin Gaye, and "You Make Me So Very Happy", Blood Sweta and Tears. http://funandmagic.com/ Have a magic day and pass it on. Magic Mike parlor.htm IMPORTANT HEALTH NOTICE !!!
As you know, there is a possibility of another outbreak of swine flu during the next few months of flu season. In order that you may be on the alert for indications that you or members of your family may have contracted the Swine Flu Virus, you should be aware of the symptoms associated with this disease.
1) Sore throat. 2) Slight headache. 3) Moderate to high temperature. 4) Nausea or upset stomach. 5) A strong urge to fuck in the mud.
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Useful Work Phrases
1) Thank you. We're all refreshed and challenged by your unique point
of view.
2) The fact that no one understands you doesn't mean you're an artist.
3) I don't know what your problem is, but I'll bet it's hard to pronounce.
4) Any connection between your reality and mine is purely coincidental.
5) I have plenty of talent and vision. I just don't give a damn.
6) I like you. You remind me of when I was young and stupid.
7) What am I? Flypaper for freaks!?
8) I'm not being rude. You're just insignifican't.
9) I'm already visualizing the duct tape over your mouth.
10) Ahhh...I see the fuck-up fairy has visited us again...
11) I will always cherish the initial misconceptions I had about you.
12) It's a thankless job, but I've got a lot of Karma to burn off.
13) Yes, I am an agent of Satan, but my duties are largely ceremonial.
14) No, my powers can only be used for good.
15) How about never? Is never good for you?
16) I'm really easy to get along with once you people learn to worship me.
17) You sound reasonable...Time to up my medication.
18) I'll try being nicer if you'll try being smarter.
19) I'm out of my mind, but feel free to leave a message...
20) I don't work here. I'm a consultant.
21) Who me? I just wander from room to room.
22) My toys! My toys! I can't do this job without my toys!
23) It might look like I'm doing nothing, but at the cellular level I'm
really quite busy.
24) At least I have a positive attitude about my destructive habits.
25) You are validating my inherent mistrust of strangers.
26) I see you've set aside this special time to humiliate yourself in public.
27) Someday, we'll look back on this, laugh nervously and change the subject.-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=
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Black Panties
Sadie lost her husband almost four years ago and still has not gotten out of her depression, mourning as if it were only yesterday. Her daughter constantly calls her and urges her to get back into the world.
Finally, Sadie agrees to go out, but didn't know anyone. Her daughter immediately replies, "Mama! I have someone for you to meet." Well, it was an immediate hit. They took to one another and after dating for six weeks he asks her to join him for a weekend in the Catskills. And we know what that means.
One room and the normal follow up to that. Their first night there she undresses. There she stood nude except for a pair of black lacy panties. He in his birthday suit. Looking at her he asks "Why the panties?"
She replies, "My breasts you can fondle, my body is yours to explore, but down there I am still in mourning." He knows he's not getting lucky that
night. The following night the same scenario. Her standing there with the black panties on and he in his birthday suit; except that he has an erection on which he has a black condom.
She looks at him and asks, "What's with this... a black condom?"
He replies, "I'm going to offer my condolences."
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-=-=-
Disclaimer. Magic Mailouts are not for everyone. Particularly in business settings, some of the material may be problematic, possibly leading to sexual harassment or unlawful discrimination charges. To protect you and me, please do not receive Magic Mailouts on a computer at your place
of employment, or on a computer owned or installed at
any fraternal or civic organization site. If you decide to print a copy
of Magic Miailouts, treat it as you would any other confidential mail and
do not leave it lying around for prying eyes. If you decide to forward
a joke or jokes via e-mail, please use your "clip and paste"
feature to send just the joke, removing the headers, footers, addresses
and unsuitable material. Magic Mailouts are about jokes, humor and fun,
not legalities. :Please help me keep it that way.
Subject: On The Moon, Ask an expert! ask a tech! Date: Thu,
08 Apr 1999 23:25:41 -0700 From: Magic Mike B < Organization: Magic,
Web's Best Photos, Jokes, Sales Training http://funandmagic.com/ To: "Magic
Mike's Magic Mailout" <"Magic Mailouts"
Hi, Here's a great shot from the moon's surface for your desktop wallpaper today. http://funandmagic.com/photolinks2.htm Hey , got a problem? Ask an expert! http://www.experts-exchange.com/ or ask a tech ! http://www.ask-a-tech.org/index.htm Have a magic day and pass it on. Magic Mike parlor.htm Rita Rudner's 50 Facts About Men
1.Men like to barbecue. Men will cook if danger is involved.
2.Men who have pierced ears are better prepared for marriage. They've experienced pain and bought jewelry.
3.If you buy your husband or boyfriend a video camera, for the first few
weeks he has it, lock the door when you go to the bathroom.
4.Most of my husband's early films end with a scream and a flush.
5.Be careful of men who are bald and rich; the arrogance of "rich" usually cancels out the nice of "bald."
6.Marrying a divorced man is ecologically responsible. In a world where
there are more women than men, it pays to recycle.
7.Men are very confident people. My husband is so confident that when he watches sports on television, he thinks that if he concentrates he can help his team. If the team is in trouble, he coaches the players from our living room, and if they're really in trouble, I have to get off the phone in case they call him.
8.If it's attention you want, don't get involved with a man during playoff season.
9.Men like phones with lots of buttons. It makes them feel important. 10.Men love to be the first to read the newspaper in the morning. Not being the first is upsetting to their psyches.
11.All men look nerdy in black socks and sandals.
12.The way a man looks at himself in a mirror will tell you if he can ever care about anyone else.
13.Don't try to teach men how to do anything in public. They can learn in private; in public they have to know.
14.Men who are going bald often wear baseball caps.
15.All men are afraid of eyelash curlers. I sleep with one under my pillow, instead of a gun.
16.A good place to meet a man is at the dry cleaner. These men usually have jobs and bathe.
17.Men love watches with multiple functions. My husband has one that is a combination address book, telescope and piano.
18.All men hate to hear, "We need to talk about our relationship." These
seven words strike fear in the heart of even General Schwarzkopf.
19.Men are sensitive in strange ways. If a man has built a fire and the
last log does not burn, he will take it personally.
20.Men are brave enough to go to war, but they are not brave enough to get a bikini wax.
21.All men think that they're nice guys. Some of them are not. Contact me for a list of names.
22.Men don't get cellulite. God might just be a man.
23.Men have an easier time buying bathing suits. Women have two types: depressing and more depressing. Men have two types: nerdy and not nerdy. 24.Men have higher body temperatures than women. If your heating goes out in winter, I recommend sleeping next to a man. Men are like portable heaters that snore.
25.Women take clothing much more seriously than men. I've never seen a man walk into a party and say, "Oh, my Gosh, I'm so embarrassed; get me out of here. There's another man wearing a black tuxedo."
26.Most men hate to shop. That's why the men's department is usually on the first floor of a department store, two inches from the door.
27.If a man prepares dinner for you and the salad contains three or more
types of lettuce, he is serious.
28.If you're dating a man who you think might be "Mr. Right," if he a) got older, b) got a new job, or c) visited a psychiatrist, you are in for a nasty surprise. The cocoon-to-butterfly theory only works on cocoons and butterflies.
29.Men own basketball teams. Every year cheerleaders' outfits get tighter and briefer, and players' shorts get baggier and longer.
30.No man is charming all of the time. Even Cary Grant is on record saying he wished he could be Cary Grant.
31.When four or more men get together, they talk about sports.
32.When four or more women get together, they talk about men.
33.Not one man in a beer commercial has a beer belly.
34.Men are less sentimental than women. No man has ever seen the movie THE WAY WE WERE twice, voluntarily.
35.Most women are introspective: "Am I in love? Am I emotionally and creatively fulfilled?" Most men are outrospective: "Did my team win? How's my car?"
36.If a man says, "I'll call you," and he doesn't, he didn't forget...he
didn't lose your number...he didn't die. He just didn't want to call you.
37.Men hate to lose. I once beat my husband at tennis. I asked him, "Are we ever going to be in love again?" He said, "Yes, but not with each other."
38.Men who can eat anything they want and not gain weight should do it out of sight of women.
39.Getting rid of a man without hurting his masculinity is a problem. "Get out" and "I never want to see you again" might sound like a challenge. If you want to get rid of a man, I suggest saying, "I love you... I want to marry you... I want to have your children." Sometimes they leave skid marks.
40.Men accept compliments much better than women do. Example: "Mitch, you look great." Mitch: "Thanks." On the other side:"Ruth, you look great." Ruth: "I do?
Must be the lighting."
41.Impulse buying is not macho. Men rarely call the Home Shopping Network.
42.Men who listen to classical music tend not to spit.
43.Only men who have worn a ski suit understand how complicated it is for a woman to go to the bathroom when she's wearing a jumpsuit.
44.Men don't feel the urge to get married as quickly as women do because
their clothes all button and zip in the front. Women's dresses usually button and zip in the back. We need men emotionally and sexually, but we also need men to help us get dressed.
45.Men are self-confident because they grow up identifying with superheros. Women have bad self-images because they grow up identifying with Barbie.
46.When a woman tries on clothing from her closet that feels tight, she will assume she has gained weight. When a man tries something from his closet that feels tight, he will assume the clothing has shrunk.
47.Male menopause is a lot more fun than female menopause. With female menopause you gain weight and get hot flashes. Male menopause - you get to date young girls and drive motorcycles.
48.Men forget everything; women remember everything. That's why men need instant replays in sports. They've already forgotten what happened.
49.Men would like monogamy better if it sounded less like monotony.
50.All men would still really like to own a train set.
Subject: Tarantula Date: Wed, 07 Apr 1999 11:33:35 -0700 From: Magic Mike B < Organization: Magic, Web's Best Photos, Jokes, Sales Training http://funandmagic.com/ To: "Magic Mike's Magic Mailout" <"Magic Mailouts"
Hi, Stop by and see the Tarantula Nebula, hen awesome. http://funandmagic.com/photolinks2.htm This feel good. http://members.aol.com/magiclove2/hawaii.html . http://members.aol.com/M00NDANCE7/poem.html
Keep Sending jokes, links, etc. Have a magic day and pass it on. Magic Mike parlor.htm Blessed are those who hunger and thirst, for they are sticking to their diets.
Life is an endless struggle full of frustrations and challenges, but eventually you find a hairstylist you like.
You're getting old when you get the same sensation from a rocking chair that you once got from a roller coaster.
Perhaps you know why women over fifty don't have babies: They would put them down somewhere and forget where they left
them.
One of the life's mysteries is how a two pound box of candy can make a woman gain five pounds.
It's frustrating when you know all the answers, but nobody bothers to ask you the questions.
If you can remain calm, you just don't have all the facts.
I finally got my head together, and my body fell apart.
The real art of conversation is not only to say the right thing in the right place, but also to leave unsaid the wrong thing at the tempting moment.
Time may be a great healer, but it's also a lousy beautician.
Brain cells come and brain cells go, but fat cells live forever.
Age doesn't always bring wisdom. Sometimes age comes alone.
Life not only begins at forty, it begins to show.
Just when I was getting used to yesterday, along came today.
Sometimes I think I understand everything, then I regain consciousness.
If at first you don't succeed, see if the loser gets anything.
You don't stop laughing because you grow old; you grow old because you stop laughing.
I don't mind the rat race, but I could do with a little more cheese.
I had to give up jogging for my health. My thighs kept rubbing together and setting my pantyhose on fire.
Amazing! You just hang something in your closet for a while, and it shrinks two sizes.
It is bad to suppress laughter; it goes back down and spreads to your hips.
Age is important only if you're cheese or wine.
The only time a woman wishes she were a year older is when expecting en she isbaby.
Freedom of the press means no-iron clothes.
Inside some of us is a thin person struggling to get out, but she can usually be sedated with a few pieces of chocolate
cake.
Can it be a mistake that "STRESSED" is "DESSERTS" spelled backwards?
YOUR DAILY MOTIVATION
Wednesday, April 7, 1999
YOU HAVE THE POWER TO SUCCEED.
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The power to fulfill your dreams is inside you. You alone have the responsibility to shape your life. Nothing, and no one can deny you success. You are the one pushing yourself forward or holding yourself back.
No excuses will save you from accepting this responsibility. The day you take complete responsibility for yourself, the day you stop making any alibi's, that's the day you start to the top.
Success lies in you, not in time, place, or circumstance. Chose the thoughts and actions what will take you there. There is greatness in you. Set your own standards.
There is no one to stop you but yourself. Success is yours
if you want it. Go for it !!
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Subject: Planet Proctor Date: Tue, 06 Apr 1999 21:46:32 -0700 From: Magic Mike B < Organization: Magic, Web's Best Photos, Jokes, Sales Training http://funandmagic.com/ To: "Magic Mike's Magic Mailout" <"Magic Mailouts"
Hi, See Tuolumne Meadows; Yosemite N.P., CA, - Black & White Landscapes - by Scott Walton - PhotoTripUSA and The Bear Claw Nebular http://funandmagic.com/photolinks2.htm .
Stop by the WAV for "All You Need Is Love"by the Beatles and "Moon Dance" by Van Morrison. http://funandmagic.com/ .
Here is a new Planet Proctor Orbit !! Have a magic day and pass it on. Magic Mike parlor.htm
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Subject: PP 99 - 8 Date: Mon, 5 Apr 1999 19:23:55 -0400 From: Phil Proctor <PProctor@compuserve.com To: AAA <pproctor@compuserve.com
((((((((((((((((((((((((((( PLANET PROCTOR 99 - 8
"Clinton is a Satan and an alien." -- Poster in Podgoria, Yugoslavia
MELISSA, WE HARDLY KNEW YE... With the arrest of hacker UhClem in Soprano, New Jersey, the infamous "Melissa" Virus, named after a topless dancer in Florida, is history. But BEWARE, cause the baddest one of all is on the way! If you receive an email entitled "Badtimes," delete it immediately. It will not only erase everything on your hard drive, but it will also delete anything on disks within 20 feet of your computer. It demagnetizes the stripes on ALL of your credit cards. It reprograms your ATM access code, screws up the tracking on your VCR and uses subspace field harmonics to scratch any CD's you attempt to play. It will re-calibrate your refrigerator's coolness settings so all your ice cream melts and your milk curdles.It will program your phone autodial to call only your mother-in-law's number. This virus will mix antifreeze into your fish tank. It will drink all your beer. It will leave dirty socks on the coffee table when you are expecting company. It will replace your shampoo with Nair and your Nair with Rogaine, all while dating your current boy/girlfriend behind your back and billing their hotel rendezvous to your Visa card. It will cause you to run with scissors and throw things in a way
that is only fun until someone loses an eye. It will give you Dutch Elm Disease and Tinea. It will rewrite your backup files, changing all your active verbs to passive tense and incorporating undetectable misspellings which grossly change the interpretations of key sentences. It will not only remove the forbidden tags from your mattresses and pillows, but it will also refill your skim milk with whole milk. It will
replace all your luncheon meat with Spam. It will molecularly rearrange your cologne or perfume, causing it to smell like dill pickles. It is insidious and subtle. It is dangerous and terrifying to behold. It is also a rather interesting shade of mauve. PLEASE FORWARD THIS MESSAGE TO EVERYONE YOU KNOW<<<
"If one synchronized swimmer drowns, do the rest have to drown, too?"
LET'S EAT! The following Haiku is reproduced verbatim from a label that fell off a Korean cooking pot recently purchased by reader Jeff Martinek. " Marvelous Cookware Of Serpantine Stone. (Use Explanation)" 1. It's paste edible oil to boil over 100C in the salt's water. 2. It's principle to get used to it to be pot stewed. 3. The food must be attention to not get bumed (only cooking roast) The color of board pay attention to until it change to black color. 4. The case of arising fine crack to error treatment is not intervene to using.
"If the front of your car says 'DODGE,' do you really need a horn?"
FIRESIGN RULES! From our triumphant, soldout premiere of the new "Immortality" show in Santa Barbara this weekend, where Jonathan Winters graced us with his royal presence, we go on to the Warfield in San Francisco this coming Friday and Saturday and then to Portland, Oregon, the 24th, where until 1989 "it was against the law for a wedding ceremony to be performed at a
skating rink." Even today, people may not whistle underwater, wear roller skates in restrooms and (in Myrtle Creek), you cannot box with a kangaroo. Statewide, though it's still illegal to buy or sell marijuana, it is legal to smoke it on your own property. However -- ice cream may not be eaten on Sundays, dishes must drip dry, and you may not pump your own gas in service stations. We'll be there for four days performing at the Alladin and fortunately for our audiences, although one may not bathe without wearing "suitable clothing," which covers one's body from neck to knee, the laws
say nothing about taking showers.
"A lot of the people who keep a gun at home for safety are the same ones who refuse to wear a seat belt." -- George Carlin
UPSTATE, WITHOUT A PADDLE! If you come to see us in Seattle at the Bagley Wright from April 29 til May 2, please remember that you may not carry a concealed weapon that is over six feet in length; women who sit on men's laps on buses or trains without placing a pillow between them, face an automatic six-month jailterm, and in nearby Spokane, TV's may not be bought on Sundays. As for the State Laws: It is mandatory for a motorist with criminal intentions to stop at the city limits and telephone the chief of police as he is entering the town. All motor vehicles must be preceded by a man carrying a red flag (daytime) or a red lantern (nightime) fifty feet in front of said vehicle, and a San Juan County Ordinance passed in 1995 states, "You may not ride an ugly horse. Furthermore, no structure shall contain more than two toilets that use potable water for flushing. Sadly, all lollipops are banned, people may not buy a mattress on Sunday (not even from "Unconscious Village), it is illegal to paint polka dots on the American flag and even more so to pretend that one's parents
are rich. Come bail us out...
"Why do fat chance and slim chance mean the same thing?"
JESUS LOVES ME A name-lost reader writes that he was sitting behind a car with a bumper sticker that said, "Honk if you love Jesus." So the light is red and he's in a good mood, so he gives the horn a honk; and the guy in the car
rolls down his window,looks back at him incredulously and says, "It's red, asshole!"
"The only good thing to come out of religion was the music" - George
Carlin
I CAN BEER IT NO LONGER! Timothy Tuffield sent me the following last year, but I was so plastered I forgot to pass it along: Beer was the reason the Pilgrims landed at Plymouth Rock. According to the Mayflower's log, the crew didn't want to waste beer looking for a
better site so the passengers were "hasted ashore and made to drink water that the seamen might have more beer." Long beer-fore that, about 4,000 years ago in Babylonia, it was the accepted practice that for a month after a wedding the bride's father would supply his Son-in-law with all the mead (honey beer) he could drink; and
since their calendar was lunar-based, this period was called the "honey month" -- know today as the "honeymoon." Later, after consuming a bucket or two of vibrant brew they called aul, or ale, the Vikings would head fearlessly into battle, often without armor or even shirts. "Berserk" means "bare shirt" in Norse. And before
thermometers were invented, brewers would dip a thumb or finger into the
mix to find the right temperature for adding yeast. Too cold, and the yeast wouldn't grow; too hot, it'd die. This is where we get "rule of thumb." Many years ago in England, pub frequenters had a whistle baked into the rim or handle of their ceramic cups. When they needed a refill, they used the whistle to get some service. "Wet your whistle" is the phrase inspired by this practice; and in English pubs, ale is ordered by pints and quarts. So when customers got unruly, the bartender would yell at them to "Mind their own pints and quarts and settle down." It may be where we get the phrase "mind your P's and Q's." And it was our very own Hundred-Dollar Ben who said, "Beer is proof that God loves us and wants us to be happy."
"Why is American beer served cold? So you can tell it from urine."- David Moulton
FILL'S FUNNY FAX The electric chair was invented by a dentist and Leonardo Da Vinci invented the scissors but bulletproof vests, fire escapes, windshield wipers and laser printers were all invented by women. Shakespeare invented the word "assassination" and "bump", and The first toilet ever seen on television was on "Leave It to Beaver". The name of all the continents end with the same letter that they start with. China has more English speakers than the U.S.; and if the population of China walked past you in single file, the line would never
end because of the rate of reproduction. Did you know you share your birthday with at least 9 million people? The Boston University Bridge on Commonwealth Avenue, is one of the few places in the world where a boat can sail under a train, driving under a car, driving under an airplane; and Montpelier, Vermont is the only U.S. State capital without a McDonald's. In the great fire of London in 1666, (The Year of the Beast?) half of London was burnt down, but only 6 people were injured. More people are killed by donkeys annually than are killed in plane crashes. American Airlines saved $40,000 in 1987 by eliminating one olive
from each salad served in first class; but the cruise liner, Queen Elizabeth II, still moves only six inches for each gallon of diesel that it burns. Babies are born without knee caps. They don't appear until the child reaches 2-6 years of age; and though our eyes are always the same size from birth, our nose and ears never stop growing. Women blink nearly twice as much as men and Marilyn Monroe had six toes. The strongest muscle in the body is the TONGUE. But -- a crocodile cannot stick its tongue out, a snail can sleep for 3 years, many hamsters only blink one eye at a time, and if you keep a Goldfish in the dark room, it will eventually turn white. The pet ferret
was domesticated more than 500 years before the common housecat, dogs and humans are the only animals with prostates, and humans, chimps and dolphins are the only species that have sex for pleasure.
"Men are from earth. Women are from earth. Deal with it."
EL BOYO LOCO William Vega, a professor of public health at the University of California at Berkeley, released a study that claimed the longer Mexican
immigrants remained in the United States, the more their mental health declined. "This is clearly a social effect, not a biological one," he said. "Mexicans come to this country with some kind of natural protection against mental disorder and that breaks down very quickly in American society."
"The problem with the gene pool is that there is no lifeguard."
BAND TOGETHER Here follows my favorites from that list of actual band names first published in "Funny Times" (see below) and added to along the way: "Albino Toilet Boys, Alcoholics Unanimous, Bad Livers, Biff Hitler and the Violent Mood Swings, The Bourbon Tabernacle Choir, Children Of The Bong, The Dead Sea Squirrels, Four Nurses of the Apocalypse, Honest Bob and the Factory to Dealer Incentives, Jehovah's Waitresses, Jim Jones And The Kool-Aid Kids, My Dog Has Hitler's Brain, Pabst Smear, Phlegm Fatale, Poultry in Motion, Reluctant Stereotypes, Roid Rogers and the Whirling Butt Cherries, Screaming Moist Accountants, Shirley Temple of Doom, Skeptic Tank, Strangulated Beatoffs, So I had to Shoot Him, TestosterTones, Willie Nelson Mandela, and Zombies Under Stress." And the Grammy goes to... Pamela Polland and Jim Pasquotto.
"Long whiskers cannot take the place of brains." -- Russian Proverb
+++++++++++(4/5/99)++++++++++ * FIRESIGN SITE: www.firesigntheatre.com * FIREZINE: $15.00 per annum: www.intrepid.net/~firezine/ * FIRESIGN PRODUCT: www.lodestone-media.com * FUNNY TIMES: www.funnytimes.com
PLANET PROCTOR (C) 1999 by Phil Proctor
YOUR DAILY MOTIVATION
Tuesday, April 6, 1999
CHANGE IS ALWAYS AROUND YOU.
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Recognize that change will take place. It is inevitable. Be secure in the knowledge that you can deal with what happens.
Security comes from being able to bend your insecurities. You won't break when things don't go your way. You'll always be secure to the degree that you can accept change. You'll always be secure, not by standing still, but by growing, moving, and taking action.
Your ultimate security is your understanding of this reality. There is no permanent security on this earth: there is only opportunity.
Have the courage to bet on your ideas. Take those calculated risks, and act. There is nothing to stop you on the road to success but yourself. Successful people embrace change.
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©1999 Written by: Mentor2006@aol.com
Subject: Black and white Monday, links, links, links Date: Mon, 05 Apr 1999 09:21:24 -0700 From: Magic Mike B < Organization: Magic, Web's Best Photos, Jokes, Sales Training http://funandmagic.com/ To: "Magic Mike's Magic Mailout" <"Magic Mailouts"
Hi, Today's wallpaper pic is a black and white from Scott Walton. http://funandmagic.com/photolinks2.htm
There are a bunch of cool WAV's to hear at my WAV page: Moon Dance"" by Van Morrison, and new full versions of Roberta Flack singing "The First Time", and "Killing Me Softly". Also Ravel's "Bolero". http://funandmagic.com/
Read this story about bottled water, then go to my page and order a filter. http://www.abcnews.go.com/sections/living/DailyNews/bottledwater990330.html
Have a magic day and pass it on. Magic Mike http://funandmagic.com/
A priest, a rabbi and a gorilla walk into a bar. The bartender looks up, sees them and says, "What is this, a joke?"
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Bad Knee Pains
A woman goes to the doctor complaining of bad knee pains. After the diagnostic tests showed nothing, the doctor questions her. "There must be something you're doing that you haven't told me. Can you think of anything that might be doing this to your knees?"
"Well," she said a little sheepishly, "my husband and I have sex doggy-style on the floor every night."
"That's got to be it," said the doctor. "There are plenty of other positions and ways to have sex, you know."
"Not if you're going to watch TV, there ain't!"
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When we share laughter, There's twice the fun; When we share success, We surpass what we've done.
When we share problems, There's half the pain; When we share tears, A rainbow follows rain.
When we share dreams, They become more real; When we share secrets, It's our hearts we reveal.
If we share a smile, Then our love shows; If we share a hug, Then our love grows.
If we share with someone On whom we depend, That person becomes Family or friend.
And what draws us closer And makes us all care, Is not what we have, But the things that we share. Jill Wolf
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YOUR DAILY MOTIVATION
Monday, April 5, 1999
SUCCESS IS AHEAD OF YOU.
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Keep trying is the rule you must follow to become successful in anything. Success in anything is connected with action. Successful people keep moving. They make mistakes but they don't quit. They hang on after others have let go.
Persistence means taking pains to overcome every obstacle, to do all that's necessary to reach your goal.
Never, never, never, never give up. Endurance is the crowning
quality of success.
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©1999 Written by: Mentor2006@aol.com
Subject: Bank and bottled warning, other jokes and lots of links Date: Fri, 02 Apr 1999 19:05:08 -0800 From: Magic Mike B < Organization: Magic, Web's Best Photos, Jokes, Sales Training http://funandmagic.com/ To: "Magic Mike's Magic Mailout" <"Magic Mailouts"
Hi, Some real nice stars for your desk. http://funandmagic.com/photolinks2.htm Your Government want your bank to SPY on you The FDIC's Know Your Customer rule would force banks to "monitor" your checking and savings account and report any "unusual transactions" to the federal government. Please sign the petition. <A HREF="http://www.defendyourprivacy.com/"http://www.defendyourprivacy.com/</A
I've told you about water. Here is the big story this week on how bad bottled water is. http://www.abcnews.go.com/sections/living/DailyNews/bottledwater990330.html Go to my water page off funandmagic.com, or call 800 622 9206 at MultiPure and give them my #228882. Clean water from MY filters runs you 6 cents a gallon and you know it's filter to a half micron.
Have a a magic day and pass it on. Magic Mike http://funandmagic.com/
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My Darling Wife... I'm sending you this [Unable to display image] email to bring you up to date on the events of our family. I tried to talk to you while you were on your computer, but you just kept telling me that you would [Unable to display image].....whatever that means. So, I decided to send you this email. [Unable to display image]
Mel Jr. cut his first tooth today. [Unable to display image] He's the one you bounce on your knee while typing. Remember how he giggles [Unable to display image] when he hears the Ut Oh sound? Sorry about him dropping his peanut butter sandwich on your keyboard. Is it working okay since I cleaned it up for you? Can you read the letters I tried to paint back on your keyboard? Most of them had been rubbed off.
Laurie had her first date Saturday night. She had a good time and said to thank you for letting them use your car. [Unable to display image] She put the keys back on the key rack underneath the cobwebs [Unable to display image] where she found them. Do you realize that she wears the same size cloths as you do? In case you've forgotten her, she's the one who has you raise your feet when she's running the sweeper.
T.T is playing football. He looks forward to going to school now that he has a sport to play. He wanted to know if you would come to one of his games if we bought you a laptop to bring along? Do you remember him? [Unable to display image] He's the one who empties your porta potty for you.
Lets see.....since the last time I wrote you (3 months ago), the refrigerator had to be replaced, [Unable to display image] the dog died from old age, your mother and dad painted the room where your computer is (hope you like the color), the church has a new pastor, the President has been impeached, and oh yes..... I have a new job.
Well, I think that's about it. I'll email [Unable to display image] you again in about 3 months. You take care of yourself honey. We all "miss" [Unable to display image] you very much and will see you the next time the [Unable to display image] power goes off!
Love, Your Husband [Unable to display image]
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On average, 100 people choke to death on ball-point pens every year. Todays Daily Golf Joke for Wednesday, March 31, 1999 Q: Why do golfers always carry two pairs of trousers with them ?
A: Just in case they had a hole in one.
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The Ten Commandments
A Sunday school teacher was discussing the Ten Commandments with her five and six year olds. After explaining the commandment to "honor thy father and thy mother," she asked, "is there a commandment that teaches us how to treat our brothers and sisters?"
Without missing a beat one little boy (the oldest of a family of seven) answered, "Thou shall not kill."-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=
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This is as true today as when ole Rudyard first wrote it!!
If you can keep your head while all about you are losing theirs, and blaming it on you... If you can trust yourself when all men doubt you, but make allowances for their doubting, too.. If you can wait...and never get tired of waiting... or being lied about...don't deal in lies...or being hated, never give way to hating.. But not look too good or talk too wise... If you can think and not make thoughts your master.. If you can dream and not make dreams your aim... If you can meet with triumph and disaster and treat those two imposters just the same... If you can dare to hear the truths you've spoken, twisted by knaves to make a trap for fools... Or watch the things you gave your life to, broken, and stoop and build 'em up with worn out tools... If you can risk all your winnings on one turn of "pitch 'n toss" and lose, and start again at your beginnings and never breathe a word about your loss... If you can give your heart and nerve and sinew to serve your turn long after you're gone.. And so hold on...when there is nothing in you except the will that says to them..HOLD ON!... If you can talk with crowds and keep your virtue or walk with kings nor lose the common touch... If neither foe nor loving friend can harm you... If all man count with you...but none too much.. If you can give to each unforgiving minute, sixty seconds of distance run... Yours is the Earth...and all that is in it.. And what is more, you'll be a Man, my son! -=--=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=
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In 10 minutes, a hurricane releases more energy than all the world's nuclear weapons combined.
The cruise liner, Queen Elizabeth II, moves only six inches for each gallon of diesel that it burns.-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=
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Michael Jordan's Legacy
Michael Jordan used to make over $300,000 a game: $10,000 a minute assuming he averaged about 30 minutes a game.
Assuming $40 million in endorsements next year, he was making $178,100 a day, working or not.
Assuming he slept 7 hours per night, he made $52,000 every night while visions of sugarplums danced in his head.
If he went to a movie, it cost him $9.00 (with no popcorn), but he made $18,550 while he was there.
If he decided to have a 5 minute egg, he made $618.00 while it was boiling.
He made $7,415.00 per hour more than the minimum wage.
He made $3,710.00 while watching an episode of 'Friends.'
If he wanted to save up for a new Acura NSX (90,000), it would take him a whole 12 hours.
If someone had to hand him his salary and endorsement money, they would have to hand him $2.00 every second.
He probably paid around $200.00 for a nice round of golf but he was reimbursed $33,390.00 for that round.
If you were given a tenth of a penny for every dollar he made, you'd be living comfortably at $65,000.00 per year.
Last year, he made twice as much as all of our past presidents for all their terms combined.
Amazing isn't it?
BUT: JORDAN WILL HAVE TO SAVE 100% OF HIS INCOME FOR 270 YEARS TO HAVE A NET WORTH EQUIVALENT TO THAT OF BILL GATES.-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=
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It took the Division Of Motor Vehicle Department 6 months to figure out and revoke this personalized plate:
3M TA3
Can you figure it out?
Subject: Desert Wildflowers, laughs and other stuff Date: Thu, 01 Apr 1999 10:27:32 -0800 From: Magic Mike B < Organization: Magic, Web's Best Photos, Jokes, Sales Training http://funandmagic.com/ To: "Magic Mike's Magic Mailout" <"Magic Mailouts"
Hi, Today see the Desert Wildflower of Oregon. http://funandmagic.com/photolinks2.htm Lots of great jokes and links today, below. You'll laugh your butt off. Happy April 1st. Have a magic day and pass it on. Magic Mike http://funandmagic.com/
