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Magic Mike's Home Page"Since all phenomena, is a product of one's own mind,
empty of meaning, like a magician's illusion,
having nothing to do with good or bad, acceptance or rejection,
one might burst out in laughter."
- Longchenpa, 13th century Tibetan monk.
TO FIND SOMETHING USE THE EDIT/FIND
IN YOUR BROWSER (TOP LEFT CORNER).
Subject: Green scene, First Time Ever Saw Your Face Date: Tue, 30 Mar 1999 14:05:50 -0800 From: Magic Mike B < Organization: Magic, Web's Best Photos, Jokes, Sales Training http://funandmagic.com/ To: "Magic Mike's Magic Mailout" <"Magic Mailouts"
Hi, Go see a nice picture for your desk. http://funandmagic.com/photolinks2.htm Go hear the sweetest love song ever recorded, The First Time Ever I saw Your Face, by Roberta Flack.. Save it by clicking on the midi player when you are listening to it. http://funandmagic.com/ . Coming up this week on WAV, Moon Dance, Bolero, and TwistnShout. Have a magic day and pass it on! Magic Mike http://funandmagic.com parlor.htm DICTIONARY FOR WOMEN
Argument (ar*gyou*ment) n. A discussion that occurs when you're right, but he hasn't realized it yet.
Airhead (er*hed) n. What a woman intentionally becomes when pulled over by a policeman.
Bar-be-que (bar*bi*q) n You bought the groceries, washed the lettuce, chopped the tomatoes, diced the onions, marinated the meat and cleaned everything up, but, he "made the dinner."
Blonde jokes (blond joks) n. Jokes that are short so men can understand them.
can'taloupe (kant*e*lope) n Gotta get married in a church.
Clothes dryer (kloze dri*yer) n. An appliance designed to eat socks.
Diet Soda (dy*it so*da) n. A drink you buy at a convenience store to go with a half pound bag of peanut M&Ms.
Eternity (e*ter*ni*tee) n. The last two minutes of a football game.
Exercise (ex*er*siz) v To walk up and down a mall, occasionally resting to make a purchase.
Grocery List (grow*ser*ee list) n. What you spend 1/2 an hour writing, then forget to take to the store.
Hair Dresser (hare dres*er) n. Someone who is able to create a style you will never be able to duplicate again. See "Magician."
Hardware Store (hard*war stor) n Similar to a black hole in space -- if he goes in, he isn't coming out anytime soon.
Childbirth (child*brth) n. You get to go through 36 hours of contractions; he gets to hold your hand and say "focus,...breathe...push..."
Lipstick (lip*stik) n On your lips, coloring to enhance the beauty of your mouth. On his collar, coloring only a tramp would wear...!
Park (park) v./n. Before children, a verb meaning, "to go somewhere and neck." After children, a noun meaning a place with a swing set and slide.
Patience (pa*shens) n. The most important ingredient for dating, marriage and children. See also "tranquilizers."
Waterproof Mascara (wah*tr*pruf mas*kar*ah) n. Comes off if you cry, shower, or swim, but will not come off if you try to remove it.
Valentine's Day (val*en*tinez dae) n A day when you have dreams of a candlelight dinner, diamonds, and romance, but consider yourself lucky to get a card.
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Finally, The Lineage Revealed
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The lineage is now revealed. Many people are at a loss for a response when someone says "You don't know Jack Schitt," but now you can handle this situation with confidence!
Jack is the only son of O. Schitt and Awe Schitt. O. Schitt, the fertilizer magnate, married Awe Schitt, the owner of Kneedeep N. Schitt, Inc.
In turn, Jack Schitt married Noe Schitt, and the deeply religious couple produced six children: Holie Schitt, Fulla Schitt, Giva Schitt, Bull Schitt and the twins, Deep Schitt and Dip Schitt.
Against her parents objections, Deep Schitt married Dump Schitt, a high school drop-out. After being married 15 years, Jack and Noe Schitt divorced. Noe Schitt later married Mr. Scherlock, and because her kids were living with them, she wanted to keep her previous name. She was then known as Noe Schitt-Sherlock.
Dip Schitt married Loada Schitt and they produced a nervous son, Chicken Schitt. Fulla Schitt and Giva Schitt were inseparable throughout childhood and subsequently married the Happens brothers in a dual ceremony. The wedding announcement in the newspapers announced the Schitt-Happens wedding. They created a bumper sticker and made millions. You've probably seen it...
The Schitt-Happens children were Dawg, Byrd and Hoarse. Bull Schitt, the prodigal son, left home to tour the world. He recently returned from Italy with his new bride Pisa Schitt.
So now when someone says, "You don't know Jack Schitt," you can correct them and inform them of your more than deep knowledge of the family tree.
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Albert Einstein arrives at a party and introduces himself to the first person he sees and asks, "What is your IQ?" to which the man answers "241."
"That is wonderful!," says Albert. "We will talk about the Grand Unification Theory and the mysteries of the Universe. We will have much to discuss!"
Next Albert introduces himself to a woman and asks, "What is your IQ?" To which the lady answers, "144."
"That is great!," responds Albert. "We can discuss politics and current affairs. We will have much to discuss!"
Albert goes to another person and asks, "What is your IQ?" to which the man answers, "51."
Albert responds, "How 'bout them Cowboys?"
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AMNESIA: Condition that enables a woman who has gone through labor to have sex again.-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=
Actual answering machine answers recorded and verified by the world-famous International Institute of Answering Machine Answers.
A is for academics, B is for beer. One of those reasons is why we're not here. So leave a message. ~~~~~ Hi. This is John. If you are the phone company, I already sent the money. If you are my parents, please send money. If you are my financial aid institution, you didn't lend me enough money. If you are my friends, you owe me money. If you are a female, don't worry, I have plenty of money. ~~~~~ Hi. Now you say something. ~~~~~ Hi, I'm not home right now but my answering machine is, so you can talk to it instead. Wait for the beep. ~~~~~ Hello. I am David's answering machine. What are you? ~~~~~ (From a Japanese man in Toronto:) He-ro! This is Sato. If you leave message, I call you soon. If you leave sexy message, I call sooner! ~~~~~ Hi! John's answering machine is broken. This is his refrigerator. Please speak very slowly, and I'll stick your message to myself with one of these magnets. ~~~~~ Hello, this is Sally's microwave. Her answering machine just eloped with her tape deck, so I'm stuck with taking her calls. Say, if you want anything cooked while you leave your message, just hold it up to the phone. ~~~~~ Hello, you are talking to a machine. I am capable of receiving messages. My owners do not need siding, windows, or a hot tub, and their carpets are clean. They give to charity through their office and do not need their picture taken. If you're still with me, leave your name and number and they will get back to you. ~~~~~ This is not an answering machine -- this is a telepathic thought- recording device. After the tone, think about your name, your reason for calling and a number where I can reach you, and I'll think about returning your call.
~~~~~
Hi. I am probably home. I'm just avoiding someone I don't like. Leave me a message, and if I don't call back, it's you.
~~~~~
Hi, this is George. I'm sorry I can't answer the phone right now. Leave a message, and then wait by your phone until I call you back.
~~~~~
If you are a burglar, then we're probably at home cleaning our weapons right now and can't come to the phone. Otherwise, we probably aren't home and it's safe to leave us a message.
~~~~~
You're growing tired. Your eyelids are getting heavy. You feel very sleepy now. You are gradually losing your willpower and your ability to resist suggestions. When you hear the tone you will feel helplessly compelled to leave your name, number, and a message.
~~~~~
Please leave a message. However, you have the right to remain silent. Everything you say will be recorded and will be used by us.
~~~~~
Hello, you've reached Jim and Sonya. We can't pick up the phone right now, because we're doing something we really enjoy. Sonya likes doing it up and down, and I like doing it left to right ... real slowly. So leave a message, and when we're done brushing our teeth, we'll get back to you.
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* * Starkle, starkle, little twink,* * * * * Who the hell are you I think.
* * * * * * * I'm not under what you call * * * * * The alcofluence of incohol. * * * * * * * I'm just a little slort of sheep, * * * * * I'm not drunk like thinkle peep. * * * * * * * I don't know who is me yet, * * * * But the drunker I stand here the longer I get. * * * * * * * * * So just give me one more fink to drill my cup, * * * * * * 'Cause I got all day sober to Sunday up.
RODNEY DANGERFIELD'S BEST ONE-LINERS
And we were poor too. Why if I wasn't born a boy.... I'd have nothing to play with.
A girl phoned me the other day and said .... "Come on over, there's nobody home." I went over. Nobody was home.
If it weren't for pickpockets, I'd have no sex life at all.
During sex my girlfriend always wants to talk to me. Just the other night she called me from a hotel.
One day as I came home early from work ..... I saw a guy jogging naked. I said to the guy .... "Hey buddy, why are you doing that?" He said, "Because you came home early."
Its been a rough day. I got up this morning .... put on a shirt and a button fell off. I picked up my briefcase and the handle came off. I'm afraid to go to the bathroom.
When I played in the sandbox the cat kept covering me up.
I could tell that my parents hated me. My bath toys were a toaster and a radio.
My father carries around the picture of the kid who came with his wallet.
When I was born .... the doctor came out to the waiting room and said to my father.... I'm very sorry. We did everything we could...... But he pulled through.
My mother had morning sickness-after I was born.
I remember the time I was kidnapped and they sent a piece of my finger to my father. He said he wanted more proof.
Once when I was lost..... I saw a policeman and asked him to help me find my parents. I said to him .... "Do you think we'll ever find them? "He said ... "I don't know kid ... there are so many places they can hide."
My wife made me join a bridge club. I jump off next Tuesday.
I worked in a pet shop and people kept asking how big I'd get.
I went to see my doctor. "Doctor, every morning when I get up and look in the mirror... I feel like throwing up; What's wrong with me?" He said..."I don't know but your eyesight is perfect."
I went to the doctor because I'd swallowed a bottle of sleeping pills. My doctor told me to have a few drinks and get some rest.
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Magic Miailouts are not for everyone. Particularly in business settings, some of the material may be problematic, possibly leading to sexual harassment or unlawful discrimination charges. To protect you and me, please do not receive Magic Mailouts on a computer at your place
of employment, or on a computer owned or installed at any fraternal or civic organization site. If you decide toprint a copy of Magic Miailouts, treat it as you would any other confidentialmail and do not leave it lying around for prying eyes. If you decide to forward a joke or jokes via e-mail, please use your "clip and paste" feature to send just the joke, removing the headers, footers, addresses and unsuitablematerial. Magic Miailoutss are about jokes, humor and fun, not
legalities. :Please help me kee it that way.
Subject: Gas Clouds, Star Clusters, Planet Proctor, FBI Mellissa Virus Report Date: Mon, 29 Mar 1999 10:16:00 -0800 From: Magic Mike B < Organization: Magic, Web's Best Photos, Jokes, Sales Training http://funandmagic.com/ To: "Magic Mike's Magic Mailout" <"Magic Mailouts"
Hi, Today's desktop pic is NGC 1850: Gas Clouds and Star Clusters, there's nothing like it in our own Galaxy. The large red cloud of gas surrounding the clusters may have been predominantly created by supernovae explosions of stars in the younger cluster. The red supernova remnant N57D is visible on the upper left. http://funandmagic.com/photolinks2.htm Enjoy the latest new Planet Proctor from The Legendary Phil Proctor, it orbits the bottom of the page. There is a page that promotes reading, with links to be able to read online, the best masterpieces of classic literature of all time. ALSO, a report on the new Mellissa virus is included at the very bottom. This is NOT a JOKE. Have a magic day and pass it on. Magic Mike http://funandmagic.com/
BUMPER STICKERS:
Save the trees ... Wipe your butt with an owl.
Necrophilia: That uncontrollable urge to crack open a cold one.
Honk if you've never seen an Uzi fired from a car window.
Seen on the back of a biker's vest: If you can read this, my wife fell off.
If you can beat me, you can eat me! (seen on a Corvette driven by a "drop-dead gorgeous blonde")
Who lit the fuse on your tampon?! (men saying this are known to die a
violent death)
Fight Crime: Shoot Back!
If you can read this, please flip me back over... (seen upside down, on
a Jeep)
Please tell your pants it's not polite to point.
A pat on the back is only a few centimeters from a kick in the ass.
Feel safe tonight ... Sleep with a cop.
Remember folks: Stop lights timed for 35mph are also timed for 70mph.
GUYS: No shirt, no service. GALS: No shirt, no charge.
If walking is so good for you, then why does my mailman look like Jabba the Hut??
Impotence: Nature's way of saying "No hard feelings"
Heart Attacks...God's Revenge For Eating His Animal Friends
Axe me about Ebonics
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-=-
A father spoke to his son, "It's time we had a little talk, my son. Soon, you will have urges and feelings you've never had before. Your heart will pound & your hands will sweat. You'll be preoccupied and won't be able to think of anything else." He added, "But don't worry, it's perfectly normal... it's called golf."
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YOUR DAILY MOTIVATION
Sunday, March 28, 1999
GOALS WILL HELP YOU REACH SUCCESS.
.- - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - -
------------------
Your present circumstances don't determine where you can go, they merely determine your starting place.
The purpose of goals is to focus your attention on your future. Magical things will begin when you set them. Your power to accomplish becomes a reality when you have a goal. Your mind reaches toward achievement when it has clear objectives.
Goals give you a starting place and a destination. Just focus the full power of all you are on what you have a burning desire to attain, and you will achieve success.
Act on your dreams and they are yours.
.- - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - -
.- - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - -
©1999 Written by: Mentor2006@aol.com
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Subject: PP 99 - 7 Date: Sun, 28 Mar 1999 21:46:53 -0500 From: Phil Proctor <PProctor@compuserve.com To: AAA <pproctor@compuserve.com
(((((((((((((((((((((((( PLANET PROCTOR 99 - 7
www.planetproctor.com
"They should just call it the Awards Show. When you see the word 'Academy,' you think there are smart people involved." -- Rock Johnson in L.A. Times letters
PRISONER OF POTTSYLVANIA For the last two weeks I was a Pottsylvanian slave to Fearless Leader in the eighty-million-dollar "Rocky and Bullwinkle Movie" at Universal. I played the Floor Manager to F.L. (Robert De Niro) at RBTV -- Really Bad Television -- designed to zombify America into voting for his
rotten self for President, aided by Jason Alexander and Rene Russo as Boris and Natasha. It will be released in the summer of 2000 after Moose and Squirrel, who are animated and voiced by Keith Scott and the eternal June Foray, are added in 3-D to the picture! I was told that at the dailies, my closeups were greeted by peals of laughter and then a voice form the back of the Hitchcock Theater exclaimed, "Who is that guy? He's really funny," to which director Des McAnuff replied, "That's Phil Proctor; he's a comedy legend." The next day, I received a call from one of the producers of the
"Dilbert" series on UPN who graciously informed me that they had to replace me in the voice-over role of Catbert (I had already replaced someone else, by the way) because the suits at the "Under Paid Network" want a star in
the role. Legend yes! Star? No. That's Hollyscrewed for ya!
"According to the current Onion: The mourners at the Kubrick Funeral were unable to comprehend the last 20 minutes of his life." -- from Gary Belkin
TOURING ON A DIME For those of you who needd to know, here are the present dates for the Firesign Theatre's "Immortality" West Coast Spring jaunt:
April 1-3 (Thurs - Sun) Santa Barbara @ The Lobero Theater April 9-10 (Fri - Sat) San Francisco @ The Warfield April 24 - 27: (Sat - Tues) Portland, Oregon @ The Alladin April 29- May 2: (Thurs - Sun) Seattle, Washington @ Bagley Wright
The show will go from "Before the Beginning" to "After the End," and is comprised of many never before performed pieces from Firesign's past and present works, with a cast that includes George Tirebiter as David Ossman, Frank Funnk as Phil Proctor, and ex-police-Lieutenant Alvin Bradshaw as Peter Bergman. As of press time we are still in negotiation with Nick Danger's people for the role of Mr. Austin. Please contact the
theaters for ticket information, and be assured that East Coast and L.A.
dates will follow, as certainly as Y2K. In May, the legends of comedy will be returning to Sunburst studio to record their next opus, "Entering Billville - Leaving Billville" (working title, please) in both CD and DVD formats under the technical tutelage of the also legendary Jac Holzman, for a July one delivery to Rhino Records.
"Life in Lubbock, Texas taught me two things: One is that God loves
you and you're going to burn in Hell. The other is that sex is the most awful, dirty thing on the face of the earth and you should save it for someone you love." -- Butch Hancock
MORE e-MERGENCIES *Xerox and Wurlitzer: to make "Reproductive organs." *Polygram Records, Warner Brothers and Keebler: Poly-Warner-Cracker *3M and Goodyear: mmmGood *John Deere and Abitibi-Price: Deere Abi *Denison Mines, Alliance and Metal Mining: Mine, All Mine *3M, J.C. Penney & Metropolitan Opera Co: 3 Penney Opera *Grey Poupon and Dockers Pants: Poupon Pants *Zippo Manufacturing, Audi, Dofasco, Dakota Mining: Zip Audi Do-Da
"I worry that the person who thought up Muzak may be thinking up something else." -- Lily Tomlin
HOT IDEA The Baltimore Sun recently wrote of a new device from South Africa where to counteract the more than 13,000 carjackings there last year -- a flame-thrower! Selling for $650, "The Blaster "unleashes a "man-sized ball of fire" at the touch of a footswitch capable of blinding and inflicting third-degree burns --"but is not lethal." Who'd've thunk that "Robocop II"-- one of my least favorite movies -- would be an accurate prognosticator!? The article also notes, "A lawyer who bought one doesn't recommend using it on ticket-writing traffic cops."
In Klamath Falls "It's illegal to walk down a sidewalk and knock a snake's head off with your cane."
COME TOGETHER, WRITE NOW! Continuing the current trend of large scale mergers and acquisitions back towards turn-of-the-century monopolies, it was just announced that Christmas and Chanukah will merge. An industry source said that the deal had been in the works for
about 1300 years, ever since the rise of the Muslim Empire as the overhead cost of having twelve days of Christmas and eight days of Chanukah was becoming prohibitive for both sides. By combining forces, the world will be able to enjoy consistently high quality service during the Fifteen Days of Christmukah, as the new holiday is being called, but on the downside, massive layoffs are expected, with lords a-leaping and maids a-milking being the hardest hit. In fact, one of the sticking points holding up the agreement for at least three hundred years was the question of whether Jewish children could leave milk and cookies for Santa even after having eaten meat for dinner. A breakthrough came last year, when Oreos were finally declared to be Kosher. (All sides appeared happy about this development except for Santa's dentist.) A spokesman for Christmas, Inc., declined to say whether a takeover of Kwanzaa might not be in the works as well. He merely pointed out that
were it not for the independent existence of Kwanzaa, the merger between
Christmas and Chanukah might indeed be seen as an unfair cornering of the holiday market. He then closed the press conference by leading all present in a rousing rendition of "Oy, Come All Ye Faithful. (Thanks to Manager legend, Steve Kaplan)
"I am ready to go there and knock some sense into American heads with an AK-47 in my hands." -- Boris Kurkin, Russian "beer-drinking" protester.
CZECH THIS OUT Three guys, a Russian, a Swede and a Czech, decided that they wanted to go bear hunting. They read all the books, asked the pros for advice, and got all the state of the art equipment. When they got to the reserve they told the guard on duty, "If we don't come back in three days, come looking for us." And with that taken care of they drove on into the
wilderness. Three days passed and still the guys hadn't shown up, so the guard called the police and started searching for the men. Soon enough they saw two bears, one male and one female, who looked quite fat. Figuring that the bears had eaten the hunters, the guard shot the female, cut her open and found the Russian and the Swede, unfortunately they were dead. He then said to his comrades, "Well I guess the Czech's in the male."
"Dueling is legal in Paraguay as long as both parties are registered blood donors." -- Fill's Funny Facts
DON"T MIS-QUOTE ME ON THIS According to many reports, Al Gore-d himself recently by saying "During my service in the United States Congress, I took the initiative in creating the Internet." But according to the Gore man in remarks before
the Democratic National Committee, "I was pretty tired when I made that comment because I had been up very late the night before inventing the camcorder."
"People that are really very weird can get into sensitive positions
and have a tremendous impact on history."-- Vice President Dan Quayle
ONLY IN AMERICA . . . Can a pizza get to your house faster than an ambulance. Are there handicap parking places in front of a skating rink. Do drugstores make the sick walk all the way to the back of the store to get their prescriptions. Do people order double cheese burgers, a large fry, and a diet coke. Do
banks leave both doors open and then chain the pens to the counters. Do we leave cars worth thousands of dollars int he driveway and useless junk in the garage. Do we use answering machines to screen calls and then have call waiting so we won't miss a call from someone we don't want to talk to in the first place. Do we buy hot dogs in packages of ten and buns in packages of eight. Do we have to read stuff in Planet Proctor that we deleted 50 times before months ago...
"The shortest war in history was between Zanzibar and England in 1896. Zanzibar surrendered after 38 minutes." (We should all be so lucky...PP)
FIRESIGN FRIEND FAREWELL Bob Cato, a Grammy-winning (and legedary) artist acknowledged for having made album covers into "art," passed on last week. We worked with him at CBS-Columbia Records for many years and recall him fondly as immensely talented, genial and inspiring. He was responsible for using Art Crumb's illustrations on Janet Joplin's "Cheap Thrills" cover although he disliked "Big Brother's" music and also turned down an cover for the Rolling Stones for the same reason. He liked the Firesign Theatre, however, and we liked him too...
"The average human eats 8 spiders in their lifetime -- at night." -- Phil's Phunny Phacts.
CLOSE-ING REMARKS The day after his Going Away Party/Wake/Memorial Service, Del Close, legend of Improv, spent most of the day trying to die. His doctor
gave him two morphine injections, but Del was too strong (and of course several people have since suggested that he had built up a tolerance...). Finally, Del and Charna browbeat his doctor into hooking him up to a morphine drip. Just before he did so, he asked Del if this was what he
really wanted, and Del nodded yes. He told him, " I'm tired of being the
funniest one in the room." Fifteen minutes later, he was gone -- but never forgotten...
"Always remember that I have taken more out of alcohol than alcohol has taken out of me." --Winston Churchill
+++++++++++(2/28/99)++++++++++ * FIRESIGN SITE: www.firesigntheatre.com * FIREZINE: $15.00 per annum: www.intrepid.net/~firezine/ * FIRESIGN PRODUCT: www.lodestone-media.com * FUNNY TIMES: www.funnytimes.com
PLANET PROCTOR (C) 1999 by Phil Proctor
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Sunday March 28 8:52 PM ET
Text of FBI 'Melissa' warning
The National Infrastructure Protection Center (NIPC) was notified on March 26, 1999, of the proliferation of a computer virus known as the "Melissa Macro Virus" (MMV). There have been widespread reports of propagation of
this virus into commercial, government and military e-mail gateways and systems. The MMV has the capability of causing a denial of service and degraded computer network performance, which could result in system administrators' having to shut-down affected networks and e-mail servers. The NIPC has received reports of significan't network degradation and e-mail outages at major corporations and Internet Service Providers. The NIPC has received no reports of the virus causing any alteration of or damage to any data contained in the infected systems.
The MMV exploits a vulnerability that exists in the Microsoft computer software applications Word 97 and Word 2000. The virus is transmitted via an attachment to innocuous e-mail messages transmitted to unsuspecting computer users via the Internet and related networks. The virus is activated when a user opens the infected document. A command is immediately executed that lowers the security settings in the Microsoft Word 97 or Word 2000 application to permit all macro files to run and any newly created Word documents to be infected. The virus spreads by transmitting e-mail messages containing the infected documents to addresses contained in the
infected user's e-mail address book. Corrective measures have been developed to guard against infection by the "Melissa Macro Virus" at the
network and user level. In addition, leading virus detection utilities (including Symantec [http://www.symantec.com], McAfee [http://www.mcafee.com], and Trend Micro [http://www.antivirus.com]), when updated properly after March 26, 1999, reportedly detect and clean this type of macro viruses.
NIPC Director Michael A. Vatis states, "e-mail users have the ability to
significan'tly change the outcome of this incident. I urge e-mail users to exercise caution when reading their e-mail for the next few days and to bring unusual messages to the attention of their system administrator. The transmission of a virus can be a criminal matter, and the FBI is investigating."
The MMV has significan't potential to cause more-widespread harm than it has to date. In an effort to reduce the impact of the MMV on computer networks, users can take several actions:
As the virus requires the user to open an infected document to continue the propagation, users should carefully check their e-mail boxes for any
message containing as part of the subject: Important Message From If such a message is found, please contact your system administrator or other responsible party for assistance.
Users and system administrators alike should consult reputable information sources for more assistance on how to detect and minimize the impact of the MMV. Information on detection and mitigation strategies can be obtained online from CERT (the Computer Emergency Response Team at Carnegie Mellon University) at http://www.cert.org.
The NIPC is a multi-agency organization whose mission is both a national
security and law enforcement effort to detect, deter, assess, warn of, respond to, and investigate computer intrusions and other unlawful acts that threaten or target our Nation's critical infrastructures. Located in the FBI's headquarters building in Washington, D.C., the NIPC brings together representatives from the FBI, other U.S. government agencies, state and local governments, and the private sector in a partnership to protect our Nation's critical infrastructures. More information on the NIPC is available on the World Wide Web at http://www.nipc.gov.
See Also: Top headlines on ZDNN Financial news and market view Killer downloads in AnchorDesk
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Magic Miailouts are not for everyone. Particularly in business settings, some of the material may be problematic, possibly leading to sexual harassment or unlawful discrimination charges. To protect you and me, please do not receive Magic Miailouts on a computer at your place of employment, or on a computer owned or installed at any fraternal or civic organization site. If you decide toprint a copy of Magic Miailouts, treat it as you would any other confidentialmail and do not leave it lying around for prying eyes. If you decide to forward a joke or jokes via e-mail, please use your "clip and paste" featureto send just the joke, removing the headers, footers, addresses and unsuitablematerial. Magic Miailouts are about jokes, humor and fun.
Subject: Sunset at oregon Coast, Boredom Conquered at Office, Computer help links Date: Sun, 28 Mar 1999 16:26:06 -0800 From: Magic Mike B < Organization: Magic, Web's Best Photos, Jokes, Sales Training http://funandmagic.com/ To: "Magic Mike's Magic Mailout" <"Magic Mailouts"
Hi, I sent some of you my tie trick instructions. There was a mistake. You use the SECOND and THIRD FINGERS. Remember, NOT the thumb! I didn't put the instructions on my site so it would not be sent everywhere. Please don't mail it around. The best sunsets often occur on the edges of storm fronts. A mixture
of rain and sun during the day usually leads to a more spectacular sunset than a bright sunny, cloudless day. This particular sunset was photographed in the month of December. Although it often rains for days
or even weeks on end during the winter months at the Oregon Coast, if you are fortunate to be there when the storm clouds begin to break, Mother Nature can put on one fantastic light show. http://funandmagic.com/photolinks2.htm A new virus called "mellissa" is attacking via macros in E-mail attached documents. it takes entire servers in minutes. DISABLE ALL MACROS!!!! (on incoming attachments) ZD net is part of Yahoo! news service. just thought i'd let u know. there are a couple articles. Its serious enough that microsoft had to shut down its e-mail service. Lots of helpful links newly posted at my Links page. http://funandmagic.com/links.html Have a magic day and apass irt on! Magic Mike http://funandmagic.com/ THINGS TO DO IN A BORING OFFICE
Points are awarded on a degree of difficulty basis. You can award yourself extra points for creative execution. Read on...
ONE-POINT GAGS
Run one lap around the office at top speed.
Groan out loud in the bathroom cubicle (at least one other
no-player must be in the bathroom at the time) then say, "Geez, that
burns".
When they're not looking, pour most of someone's fresh cup of coffee into your mug leaving them with an inch of brew.
Ignore the first five people who say good morning to you.
Phone someone in the office you barely know, leave your name and say "Just called to say I can't talk right now. Bye".
To signal the end of a conversation, clamp your hands over your ears and grimace.
When someone hands you a piece of paper, finger it, and whisper huskily, "Mmmmmmm, that feels soooooo good"
Leave your zipper open for one hour. If anyone points it out, say, "Sorry, I really prefer it this way"
In the middle of a meeting, suddenly shout out "Yahtzee"
Walk sideways to the photocopier.
While riding an elevator, gasp dramatically every time the doors open.
THREE-POINT GAGS
Say to your boss, "I like your style" and shoot him with double-barreled fingers.
Babble incoherently at a fellow employee then ask "Did you get all that? I don't want to have to repeat it"
Page yourself over the intercom (do not disguise your voice).
Kneel in front of the water cooler and drink directly from the nozzle.(there must be a non-player within sight).
Shout random numbers while someone is counting.
FIVE POINT GAGS
At the end of a meeting, suggest that, for once, it would be nice to conclude with the singing of the national anthem (extra points if you actually launch into it yourself).
Walk into a very busy person's office and while they watch you with growing irritation, turn the light switch on/off 10 times.
For an hour, refer to everyone you speak to as "Bob".
Announce to everyone in a meeting that you really have to go do number two.
After every sentence, say "mon" in a really bad Jamaican accent.
As in, "the report on your desk, mon". Keep this up for one hour.
While an office mate is out, move their chair into the elevator.
In a meeting or crowded situation, slap your forehead repeatedly and mutter, "Shut up, damm it, all of you just shut up"
At lunchtime, get down on your knees and announce "As God is my witness, I'll never go hungry again"
In a colleagues diary, write in 10am: "See how I look in tights"
Carry your keyboard over to your colleague and ask "You wanna trade?"
Repeat the following conversation 10 times to the same person: Do you hear that?
What? Never mind, it's gone now
While talking to a colleague, pick your nose and eat the booger.
Come to work in army fatigues and when asked why, say, "I can't talk about it.
Speak with an accent (French, German, Porky Pig, etc) during a very important conference call.
Find the vacuum and start vacuuming around your desk.
Hang a two-foot long piece of toilet roll from the back of your pants and act genuinely surprised when someone points it out.
Tuck one pant leg into your sock and when queried, answer, "not now and walk away"
parlor.htm
Subject: Painted Hills of Oregon, Date: Sat, 27 Mar 1999 12:04:10 -0800 From: Magic Mike B < Organization: Magic, Web's Best Photos, Jokes, Sales Training http://funandmagic.com/ To: "Magic Mike's Magic Mailout" <"Magic Mailouts"
Hi, Today go see Oregon's Painted Hills from Phototrip USA.
Located about 70 miles east of Smith Rock State Park is the Painted Hills Unit of the John Day Fossil Beds National Monument. One of three units of the monument, the Painted Hills offer the photographer a rainbow of colors and many sumptuous shapes to work with. The colors are especially intense after a rain and during the late evening hours when the sun is low on the horizon. . http://funandmagic.com/photolinks2.htm I just put up a scazillion more new Links at the links page, some VERY useful. http://funandmagic.com/links.html Here's some nice warm fuzzy sites : http://members.xoom.com/gogogirl/recipe.htm <A HREF="http://www.angelfire.com/on/KattysAtlanta/page6b.html" ~*~*Mates for Life*~*~</A
Here are two sites that tell you sex techniques that I have know for years. (heh heh :) Nice somebody wrote it up. <A HREF="http://members.aol.com/MrReaus/venus.html"Venus Butterfly</A <A HREF="http://www.stacken.kth.se/~virgin/sex/oralindex.html"The art of oral sex...</A
Have a magic day and pass it on! Magic Mike http://funandmagic.com/ Q: What's six inches long, two inches wide, and drives women wild? A: Money
-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-
The boss gathered 4 of his employees and told them he had to let one of then go.
Hey, I'm a protected minority said the African American. Fire me and I'll have you charged with age discrimination said the senior citizen. And I'm a woman said the third worker.
They all turned and looked at the young white male remaining.
"Uh, did I ever tell you I am gay," he asked.
-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=
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A minister told his congregation, "Next week I plan to preach about the sin of lying. To help you understand my sermon, I want you all to read Mark 17."
The following Sunday, as he prepared to deliver his sermon, the minister asked for a show of hands. He wanted to know how many had read Mark 17.
Every hand went up.
The minister smiled and said, "Mark has only sixteen chapters. I will now proceed with my sermon on the sin of lying."
-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=
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BAD HEADLINES, part 1 Double Meanings From Around The World
~ March Planned For Next August ~ Blind Bishop Appointed To See ~ Lingerie Shipment Hijacked--Thief Gives Police The Slip ~ L.A. Voters Approve Urban Renewal By Landslide ~ Patient At Death's Door--Doctors Pull Him Through ~ Latin Course To Be Canceled--No Interest Among Students, Et Al. ~ Diaper Market Bottoms Out ~ Croupiers On Strike--Management: "No Big Deal" ~ Stadium Air Conditioning Fails--Fans Protest ~ Queen Mary Having Bottom Scraped ~ Henshaw Offers Rare Opportunity to Goose Hunters ~ Women's Movement Called More Broad-Based ~ Antique Stripper to Display Wares at Store ~ Prostitutes Appeal to Pope ~ Teacher Strikes Idle Kids ~ Lawyers Give Poor Free Legal Advice ~ Juvenile Court to Try Shooting Defendant ~ Fund Set Up for Beating Victim's Kin ~ Killer Sentenced to Die for Second Time in 10 Years ~ Never Withhold Herpes Infection From Loved One ~ Cancer Society Honors Marlboro Man ~ Nicaragua Sets Goal to Wipe Out Literacy ~ Autos Killing 110 a Day--Let's Resolve to Do Better ~ 20-Year Friendship Ends at Altar ~ War Dims Hope For Peace ~ If Strike Isn't Settled Quickly, It May Last A While ~ Cold Wave Linked to Temperatures ~ Half of U.S. High Schools Require Some Study for Graduation ~ Blind Woman Gets New Kidney from Dad She Hasn't Seen in Years ~ Man is Fatally Slain ~ Something Went Wrong in Jet Crash, Experts Say ~ Death Causes Loneliness, Feelings of Isolation ~ Flaming Toilet Seat Causes Evacuation at High School ~ Defendants Speech Ends in Long Sentence ~ Police Begin Campaign to Run Down Jaywalkers ~ House Passes Gas Tax Onto Senate ~ Police Discover Crack in Australia ~ Stiff Opposition Expected to Casketless Funeral Plan ~ Many Antiques Seen at D.A.R. Meeting ~ William Kelly, 87, was Fed Secretary ~ Collegians are Turning to Vegetables ~ Scientists to Have Ford's Ear ~ Quarter of a Million Chinese Live on Water ~ Hershey Bars Protest ~ County Officials to Talk Rubbish ~ Carter Plans Swell Deficit ~ Caribbean Islands Drift to Left
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YOUR DAILY MOTIVATION
Friday, March 26, 1999
YOUR MIND IS YOUR LIMIT.
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The only thing that stands between you and what you want from life is simply your will to try it and the faith to believe that it is possible.
Your mind will amaze your body. You must find the energy and determination to keep going. Keep telling yourself, you can do it, you can do it. When you believe you can, you can.
In belief there is power. It opens your eyes, your opportunities become plain, and your vision becomes reality. You will succeed when you believe you can succeed. The only limit to your realization of tomorrow will be your doubts of today.
Everything is possible if you believe it is.
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©1999 Written by: Mentor2000@aol.com
YOUR DAILY MOTIVATION
Saturday, March 27, 1999
OPEN YOUR OWN DOORS TO OPPORTUNITY.
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Every situation, properly perceived, becomes an opportunity. Distant fields always look greener, but opportunity lies right in front of you. Take advantage of them when they appear. Start where you are at this moment.
Success is all around you. It is not in your environment, it is not in luck or chance, or the help of others. Success is in you alone.
You don't need more strength or more ability or greater opportunity. What you need is to use what you have. Learn to seize good fortune, for it is always around you.
Success doesn't come to you, you go to it.
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Subject: Mercury, Jupiter, Venus, and Saturn - pass it on Date: Thu, 25 Mar 1999 14:17:16 -0800 From: Magic Mike B < Organization: Magic, Web's Best Photos, Jokes, Sales Training http://funandmagic.com/ To: "Magic Mike's Magic Mailout" <"Magic Mailouts"
Hi, Here is a fun place for you today. http://www.geocities.com/SouthBeach/Shores/2800/Flowers.html On March 3rd, looking toward a beautiful sunset from a beach on the Hawaiian isle of Maui, photographer Rick Scott recorded this fleeting, four-planet "hockey stick" array. Mercury, closest to the horizon and immersed in fading sunlight, is easily visible between silhouetted clouds. To the left and up in the deepening blue is Jupiter with a brilliant Venus above and Saturn shining in the darkened sky near the top of the image. The planets are seen to lie close to the ecliptic - the apparent path of the sun - which is nearly perpendicular to the horizon for Hawaiian latitudes at this time of year. http://funandmagic.com/photolinks2.htm Have a magic day and pass it on. Magic Mike http://funandmagic.com/ A guy in a bar leans over to the guy next to him and says, "Wanna hear a Polish joke?"
The guy next to him replies, "Well before you tell that joke, you should know something. I'm 6' tall, 200 lbs, and I am Polish. The guy sitting next to me is 6'2" tall, weighs 225, and he's Polish. The fella next to him is 6'5" tall, weighs 250, and he's Polish. Now, you still wanna tell that joke? "
The first guy says, "Nah, not if I'm gonna have to explain it three times."
-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-
An elderly gentleman went to the local drug store and asked the pharmacist for Viagra.
The pharmacist said, "That's no problem. How many do you want?"
The man answered, "Just a few, maybe 4, but cut each one in 4 pieces."
The pharmacist said "That wont do you any good."
The elderly gentleman said "That's all right. I don't need them for sex
anymore as I am over 80 years old. I just want it to stick out far enough so I don't pee on my shoes."-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=
-=
HOW A MAN CAN TELL IF A WOMAN HAS PMS
1. She stops reading Glamour and starts reading Guns and Ammo.
2. She considers chocolate a major FDA food group.
3. You ask her what time it is, and she replies, "What do you mean I look fat?!"
4. She makes you sleep on the couch because all the potato chips
and cheese doodles have taken up your side of the bed.
5. She puts on one of those pads with "wings," then flies off the roof laughing hysterically while riding a broom.
6. Her jeans grow 2 sizes larger while her canine teeth grow 2 inches longer.
7. She's developed a new talent for spinning her head around in 360 degree circles.
8. She retains more water than Lake Superior.
9. She denies she's in a bad mood as she pops a clip into her semiautomatic and "chambers one."
10. She buys you a new T-shirt... with a bulls eye on the front.
11. You ask her to please pass the salt at the dinner table and she says, "All I ever do is give, give, give! AM I SUPPOSED TO DO
EVERYTHING?"
12. She answers every question with the same answer, "Over my dead
body!"
13. She looks at you through her thumb and index finger and makes the "I'll squish your tiny head" gesture.
14. She enrolls in the Lizzie Borden School of Charm.
15. She orders 3 Big Macs, 4 large fries, a bucket of Chicken McNuggets, and then mauls the manager because they're out of Diet Coke.
-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=
-=
Hobo Banter
One hobo said to another, "I think I'm going to quit smoking. It's becoming too dangerous."
"Really?"
"Yes. Twice today I picked up a cigarette butt and someone nearly ran me over."-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=
-=-=-=-=-=-=-=
-=-=-=
Last summer, down on Lake Isabella, an hour east of Bakersfield, a blonde, new to boating was having a problem. No matter how hard she tried, she just couldn't get her brand new 22-ft Bayliner to perform. It wouldn't get on a plane at all, and it was very sluggish in almost every maneuver, no matter how much power she applied.
After about an hour of trying to make it go, she putted over to a nearby marina. Maybe they could tell her what was wrong. A thorough topside check revealed everything was in perfect working order. The engine ran fine, the outdrive went up and down, the prop was the correct size and pitch.
So, one of the marina attendants jumped in the water to check underneath. He came up choking on water, he was laughing so hard. Under the boat, still strapped securely in place, was the trailer. -=--=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=
-=--
YOUR DAILY MOTIVATION
Wednesday, March 24, 1999
THERE ARE NO SHORT CUTS TO SUCCESS.
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Whatever you want in life, you must give up something to get it. The greater the value, the greater the sacrifice required of you. Everything has a price.
There's a price to pay if you want to make things better, a price to pay for just leaving things as they are.
Nothing worthwhile ever comes easily. Work, continuous work and hard work, is the only way to accomplish results that last. Use your imagination more then your memory to achieve success.
There is no success at bargain basement prices. The highway
to success is a Toll Road.
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parlor.htm
Subject: Larch Trees in Winter at Inspiration Lake Date: Wed, 24 Mar 1999 08:35:42 -0800 From: Magic Mike B < Organization: Magic, Web's Best Photos, Jokes, Sales Training http://funandmagic.com/ To: "Magic Mike's Magic Mailout" <"Magic Mailouts"
"The way to do things is to begin" -- Horace Greely
Hi, Put this on your desk today, Larch Trees In Winter At Inspiration Lake, here in the Pacific Northwest. http://funandmagic.com/photolinks2.htm Don't forget the Cartoon of the Day, and all the Thousands Of Great Recipes and links. Keep sending friends, the site is now getting 6700 visits a week.
Have a magic day and pass it on. Magic Mike http://funandmagic.com/
Obviously Written By A Woman
Q: What do you call a handcuffed man? A: Trustworthy.
Q: Why are men like commercials? A: You can't believe a word they say.
Q: Why are men like popcorn? A: They satisfy you, but only for a little while.
Q: What's a man's definition of a romantic evening? A: Sex.
Q: What is the only time a man thinks about a candlelight dinner? A: When the power goes off.
Q: What do men and women have in common? A: They both distrust men.
Q: How can you tell the difference between men's real gifts and their
guilt gifts? A: Guilt gifts are nicer.
Q: What do you instantly know about a well-dressed man? A: His wife is good at picking out clothes.
Q: How is a man like the weather? A: Nothing can be done to change either one of them.
Q: What is the difference between a man and childbirth? A: One can be terribly painful and sometimes almost unbearable while the other is giving birth.
Q: What is the difference between a single 40-year-old woman and a single 40-year-old man? A: The 40-year-old woman thinks often of having children and the man thinks often about dating them.
Q: Women dream of world peace, a safe environment, and eliminating hunger. What do men dream of? A: Being stuck in an elevator with the Doublemint twins.
Q: What do you call a man who expects to have sex on the second date?
A: Slow.
Q: What is the one thing that all men at singles bars have in common?
A: They're married.
Q: What do most men think Mutual Orgasm is? A: An insurance company.
Q: Why don't men often show their true feelings? A: Because they don't have any.
Q: How are men like noodles? A: They're always in hot water, they lack taste, and they need dough.
Q: Why are men and spray paint alike? A: One squeeze and they're all over you.
Q: Why is food better than men? A: Because you don't have to wait an hour for seconds.
Q: Why would women be better off if men treated them like cars? A: At least then they would get a little attention every 6 months or 5000 miles, whichever came first.
Q: What do ceramic tile and men have in common? A: If you lay them right the first time, you can walk on them for life!
Q: How do you grow your own dope? A: Plant a man.
Q: What about the man who saw the sign "Drink Canada Dry"? A: He moved there.
Q: How do you get a man to do situps? A: Put the remote control between his toes
Q: What do men consider housecleaning? A: Lifting their feet so you can vacuum under them
Q: How do you save a man from drowning? A: Take your foot off his head
Q: What do men consider a 7 course meal? A: A hotdog and a six pack of beer
Q: How does a man change a roll of toilet paper? A: No one knows - we've never seen it done!
Q: Why is it good that there are women astronauts? A: So that when the crew gets lost in space, at least the women will ask for directions.
Q: How can you tell if a man is excited? A: He's breathing
Q: How do men exercise on the beach? A: By sucking in their stomach everytime a bikini goes by
Q: What do men consider foreplay? A: Half an hour of begging
Q: How can you tell if a man is happy? A: Who cares???
Q: What are two reasons why men don't mind their own business? A: 1. No mind. 2. No business.
Q: If men got pregnant.... A: Abortion would be available in convenience stores and drive-through windows.
Q: Why is it so hard for women to find men that are sensitive, caring, and good-looking? A: Because they already have boyfriends.
Q: Did you hear about the man who won the gold medal at the Olympics?
A: He had it bronzed.
Q: How do some men define Roe vs. Wade? A: Two ways to cross a river.
Q: What is gross stupidity? A: 144 men in one room.
Q: What is a man's view of safe sex? A: A padded headboard.
Q: How do men sort their laundry? A: "Filthy" and "Filthy but Wearable".
Q: How many honest, intelligent, caring men in the world does it take
to do the dishes? A: Both of them.
Q: What would get your man to put down the toilet seat? A: A sex-change operation.
Q: Why do men talk so dirty? A: So they can wash their mouth out with beer.
Q: Why does it take 1 million sperm to fertilize one egg? A: They won't stop to ask directions!
Really Important Stuff My Kids Have Taught Me-
1. It's more fun to color outside the lines. 2. If you're gonna draw on a wall, do it behind a couch. 3. Ask why until you understand. 4. Hang on tight. 5. Even if you've been fishing for four hours and have caught nothing bu= t poison ivy, you're still better off than the fish. 6. Make up the rules as you go along. 7. It doesn't matter who started it. 8. Ask for sprinkles. 9. If the horse you're drawing looks more like a dog, make it a dog. 10. Save a place in line for your friends. 11. Sometimes you have to take a test before you've finished studying. 12. If you want a kitten, start out asking for a horse. 13. Picking your nose when no one else is looking is still picking your n= ose. 14. Just keep banging until someone opens the door. 15. Making your bed is a waste of time. 16. There is no good reason why clothes have to match. 17. Even Popeye didn't eat his spinach unless he absolutely had to. 18. If your dog doesn't like someone, you probably shouldn't either. 19. Toads aren't ugly, they're just toads. 20. Don't pop someone else's bubble. 21. You work so hard peddling up the hill that you hate to brake on the w= ay down. 22. If you stand on tiptoe to be measured this year, you'll have to stand= on tiptoe the rest of your life. 23. You can't ask to start over just because you're losing the game. 24. Chasing the cat is more fun than catching it. 25. Make your mother proud of you. A man walked into a shop with a steering wheel hanging off his willy
"You've got a steering wheel on your willy!" exclaimed the shop owner.
"Yes, I know", said the man, "and its driving me nuts."
Comprehending Engineers -- Take Two:
In the high school gym, all the girls in the class were lined up against one wall, and all the boys against the opposite wall. Then, every ten seconds, they walked toward each other until they were half the previous distance apart.
A mathematician, a physicist, and an engineer were asked, "When will the girls and boys meet?"
The mathematician said: "Never."
The physicist said: "In an infinite amount of time."
The engineer said: "Well... in about two minutes, they'll be close enough for all practical purposes."
Comprehending Engineers -- Take Four:
The Top 10 Things Engineering School didn't teach
10. There are at least 10 types of capacitors. 9. Theory tells you how a circuit works, not why it does not work. 8. Not everything works according to the specs in the databook. 7. Anything practical you learn will be obsolete before you use it, except the complex math, which you will never use. 6. Always try to fix the hardware with software. 5. Engineering is like having an 8 a.m. class and a late afternoon lab every day for the rest of your life. 4. Overtime pay? What overtime pay? 3. Managers, not engineers, rule the world. 2. If you like junk food, caffeine and all-nighters, go into software.
1. Dilbert is a documentary.
QUIPS & QUOTES
Study without reflection is a waste of time; reflection without study is
dangerous. --Confucius
Knowledge without insight is like a horse in the library.
Change is not made without inconvenience, even from worse to better. --Richard Hooker
Here is the test to find whether your mission on earth is finished: If you're alive, it isn't. --Richard Bach
A great way for to lose weight is to eat naked in front of a mirror. Restaurants will almost always throw you out before you can eat too much. --Frank Varano
The Official MBA Handbook on business cards: Avoid overly pretentious job titles such as "Lord of the Realm, Defender of the Faith, Emperor of India" or "Director of Corporate Planning."
Any sufficiently advanced technology is indistinguishable from a rigged demo.
People who claim they don't let little things bother them have never slept in a room with a single mosquito.
May a Misguided Platypus lay its Eggs in your Jockey Shorts
Substitute "damn" every time you're inclined to write "very"; your editor will delete it and the writing will be just as it should be. --Mark Twain
Live so that you wouldn't be ashamed to sell the family parrot to the town gossip. --Will Rogers
If all else fails, immortality can always be assured by spectacular error. --John Kenneth Galbraith
Hurewitz's Memory Principle: The chance of forgetting something is directly proportional to ..... to ........ uh ..............
Never drink coke in a moving elevator. The elevator's motion coupled with the chemicals in coke produce hallucinations. People tend to change into lizards and attack without warning, and large bats usually fly in the window. Additionally, you begin to believe that elevators have windows.
The probability of someone watching you is proportional to the stupidity of your action.
Insanity is hereditary. You get it from your kids.
Have you ever noticed that the people who are always trying to tell you,
"There's a time for work and a time for play," never find the time for play?
Bug: Small living things that small living boys throw on small living girls.
It is impossible to enjoy idling thoroughly unless one has plenty of work to do. --Jerome K. Jerome
It is said that the lonely eagle flies to the mountain peaks while the lowly ant crawls the ground, but cannot the soul of the ant soar as high as the eagle?
Spark's Sixth Rule for Managers: If a subordinate asks you a pertinent question, look at him as if he had lost his senses. When he looks down,
paraphrase the question back at him.
You never saw a fish on the wall with its mouth shut. --Sally Berger
Q: Why do mountain climbers rope themselves together? A: To prevent the sensible ones from going home.
Insanity is the final defense ... It's hard to get a refund when the salesman is sniffing your crotch and baying at the moon.
Even if you're on the right track, you'll get run over if you just sit there. --Will Rogers
Try to be the best of whatever you are, even if what you are is no good.
Why be a man when you can be a success? --Bertold Brecht
A celebrity is a person who is known for his well-knownness.
If a listener nods his head when you're explaining your program, wake him up.
On Monday mornings I am dedicated to the proposition that all men are created jerks. --H. Allen Smith, "Let the Crabgrass Grow"
Genius may have its limitations, but stupidity is not thus handicapped. --Elbert Hubbard
parlor.htm
Subject: photogenic group of nebulae, some recipes, and a ton of useful links Date: Tue, 23 Mar 1999 12:04:56 -0800 From: Magic Mike B < Organization: Magic, Web's Best Photos, Jokes, Sales Training http://funandmagic.com/ To: "Magic Mike's Magic Mailout" <"Magic Mailouts"
US mail: come rain or sleet or snow or hail, just not on weekends
Hi, Today pic is a photogenic group of nebulae, http://funandmagic.com/photolinks2.htm, using the new VLT technology http://www.eso.org/projects/vlt/ . You simply MUST go to my Cartoon of The Day Site. This one is so funny I might leave this up a week. http://funandmagic.com/CartoonOfTheDay.html This is a nice place <A HREF="http://belle.pcpros.net/~grandma/painting.html"painting</A I took this IQ test. I got a 145. <A HREF="http://www2.iqtest.com/practicetestprep.html#top"Click here: Practice IQ Test Prep Page</A click either one <A HREF="http://www2.iqtest.com/"http://www2.iqtest.com/</A This is a great site of extremely useful links. http://cedesign.net/specialinks.htm Have a magic day and pass it on. Magic Mike http://funandmagic.com/
-==-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-==-=-
Poor Big Brother Used to being the center of attention, Robbie was a little more than jealous of his new baby sister. The parents sat him down and said that now that she was getting older, the house was too small and they'd
have to move. "It's no use." lil' Robbie said, "she's crawling good now and she'd probably just follow us."
Subject: Mountain scene, Michael Jordon, good stuff, links Date: Mon, 22 Mar 1999 10:10:24 -0800 From: Magic Mike B < To: "Magic Mike's Magic Mailout" <"Magic Mailouts"
* I always wanted to be somebody, but I should have been more specific.
Hi, Just a quickie. I am still trying to recover from lost files and addresses. Here 's a nice mountain pic for your desk, some jokes, and some links.
http://funandmagic.com/photolinks2.htm Have a magic day and pass it on. Magic Mike http://funandmagic.com/-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=
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Seen on the back of a biker's vest: If you can read this, my bi*ch fell off.
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Michael Jordan's Legacy
Michael Jordan used to make over $300,000 a game: $10,000 a minute assuming he averaged about 30 minutes a game.
Assuming $40 million in endorsements next year, he was making $178,100 a day, working or not.
Assuming he slept 7 hours per night, he made $52,000 every night while visions of sugarplums danced in his head.
If he went to a movie, it cost him $9.00 (with no popcorn), but he made $18,550 while he was there.
If he decided to have a 5 minute egg, he made $618.00 while it was boiling.
He made $7,415.00 per hour more than the minimum wage.
He made $3,710.00 while watching an episode of 'Friends.'
If he wanted to save up for a new Acura NSX (90,000), it would take him a whole 12 hours.
If someone had to hand him his salary and endorsement money, they would have to hand him $2.00 every second.
He probably paid around $200.00 for a nice round of golf but he was reimbursed $33,390.00 for that round.
If you were given a tenth of a penny for every dollar he made, you'd be living comfortably at $65,000.00 per year.
Last year, he made twice as much as all of our past presidents for all their terms combined.
Amazing isn't it?
BUT: JORDAN WILL HAVE TO SAVE 100% OF HIS INCOME FOR 270 YEARS TO HAVE A NET WORTH EQUIVALENT TO THAT OF BILL GATES.
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YOUR DAILY MOTIVATION
Monday, March 22, 1999
YOUR FUTURE IS A BIG ADVENTURE.
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Prepare for your future, don't live in the past. Savor your good memories, use any bad ones as lessons in life. You need to focus on the future not on your past.
Carve out a niche for yourself in your imagined future. Think and feel yourself as successful. To achieve any aim in life, you need to project your end result. Think of the elation, the satisfaction, the joy you'll feel. Carry these ecstatic feelings with you every day and they will bring your desired goals into view.
Sooner or later, those who win are those who think they can. The cards you are dealt in life are less important then the way you play them. Everyday you face a new deal and new cards.
Success is out there for you. Go to it if you want it.
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©1999 Written by: Mentor2006@aol.com
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~
Words To Live By ~
"A dream is in the mind of the believer, and in the hands of the doer" "You are not given a dream, without being given the power to make it come true."
FRIENDSHIP
"A friend is someone who walks in when the rest of the world walks out." "True friends are like diamonds, precious but rare." "Don't walk in front of me, I may not follow. Don't walk behind me, I may not lead. Just walk beside me and be my friend."
LOVE
"Love is never having to say you are sorry." "When you love a person, you are giving them, the power to hurt you." "Love is having to see more than what meets the eyes." "You never lose by loving. You always lose by holding back." "True love is like ghosts, which everybody talks about and few have seen."
THE FUTURE
"Heal the past; live the present; dream the future." "Do not start today, with the broken pieces of Yesterday." "Destiny is not a matter of chance. It is a matter of choice: it is not a thing to be waited for, it is a thing to be achieved."
LIFE
"Life will only come once, so make the most out of it." "God didn't gave us all things to enjoy life, but life to enjoy all things." "A journey of a thousand miles begins with a single step." "Mistakes are not intended to down us rather they make us stronger."
Subject: Dream Big, Date: Sun, 21 Mar 1999 16:13:17 -0800 From: Magic Mike B < To: "Magic Mike's Magic Mailout" <"Magic Mailouts"
"Dreams do come true -- so ALWAYS DREAM BIG."
--Terri O'Hara
Hi, I haven't written because I lost everyone's address, so if you don't get this, let me know.:) I also lost every file and pic and past mailout. I had to hard disk restore because I was stupid and tried to reinstall Windows98 over itself, locked up at end, and the only way back was a wipe. So, if you have any mailouts since March 5th, in trash or anywhere, please send them back so I can update my online archive. The only thing I can't replace is all the correspondence with my girlfriend. Today's pic is Mars, front and back. Use LView on My Free Utility Software page to make it desktop size. http://funandmagic.com/photolinks2.htm Below is a perversion of our US Constitution by a Statesman from Georgia. Have a magic day and pass it on! Magic Mike parlor.htm-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=
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Hit the Nail on the head!
The following has apparently been attributed to State Representative Mitchell Kaye from GA.
"We, the sensible people of the United States, in an attempt to help everyone get along, restore some semblance of justice, avoid any more riots, keep our nation safe, promote positive behavior, and secure the blessings of debt free liberty to ourselves and our great-great-great-grandchildren, hereby try one more time to ordain and establish some common sense guidelines for the terminally whiny, guilt ridden, delusional, and other liberal, bedwetters. We hold these truths to be self-evident: that a whole lot of people are confused by the Bill of Rights and are so dim that they require a Bill of No Rights.
ARTICLE I: You do not have the right to a new car, big screen TV or any other form of wealth. More power to you if you can legally acquire
them, but no one is guaranteeing anything.
ARTICLE II: You do not have the right to never be offended. This country is based on freedom, and that means freedom for everyone - not just you! You may leave the room, turn the channel, express a different opinion, etc., but the world is full of idiots, and probably always will be.
ARTICLE III: You do not have the right to be free from harm. If you stick a screwdriver in your eye, learn to be more careful, do not expect the tool manufacturer to make you and all your relatives independently wealthy.
ARTICLE IV: You do not have the right to free food and housing. Americans are the most charitable people to be found, and will gladly help anyone in need, but we are quickly growing weary of subsidizing generation after generation of professional couch potatoes who achieve nothing more
than the creation of another generation of professional couch potatoes.
ARTICLE V: You do not have the right to free health care. That would be nice, but from the looks of public housing, we're just not interested in public health care.
ARTICLE VI: You do not have the right to physically harm other people. If you kidnap, rape, intentionally maim, or kill someone, don't be surprised if the rest of us want to see you fry in the electric chair.
ARTICLE VII: You do not have the right to the possessions of others. If you rob, cheat or coerce away the goods or services of other citizens, don't be surprised if the rest of us get together and lock you away in a place where you still won't have the right to a big screen color TV or a life of leisure.
ARTICLE VIII: You don't have the right to demand that our children risk their lives in foreign wars to soothe your aching conscience. We hate oppressive governments and won't lift a finger to stop you from going to fight if you'd like. However, we do not enjoy parenting the entire world and do not want to spend so much of our time battling each and every little tyrant with a military uniform and a funny hat.
ARTICLE IX: You don't have the right to a job. All of us sure want all of you to have one, and will gladly help you along in hard times, but we expect you to take advantage of the opportunities of education and vocational training laid before you to make yourself useful.
ARTICLE X: You do not have the right to happiness. Being an American means that you have the right to pursue happiness - which by the way, is a lot easier if you are unencumbered by an overabundance of idiotic laws created by those of you who were confused by the Bill of Rights."
If you agree, we strongly urge you to forward this to as many people as you can. No, you don't have to, and nothing tragic will befall you should you not forward it. We just think it is about time common sense is allowed to flourish - call it the age of reason revisited. Thank you.
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Eleven Signs of PMS
1. Everyone around you has an attitude problem.
2. You add chocolate chips to your cheese omelet.
3. The dryer has shrunk every last pair of your jeans.
4. Your husband is suddenly agreeing with everything you say.
5. You're using your cellular phone to dial up every bumper sticker that reads, "How's my driving--call 1-800-***-****."
6. Everyone's head looks like an invitation to batting practice.
7. You're convinced there's a God and he's male.
8. You're counting down the days until menopause.
9. You're sure that everyone is scheming to drive you crazy.
10. The ibuprofen bottle is empty and you bought it yesterday.
11. Three little letters (M, E, and N) send you into an uncontrollable rage. -
=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-= WHAT IS AN OLD TIMER?
HOW TO KNOW IF YOU IS ONE
OLD TIMER, n. * A person who remembers when people wearing blue jeans worked. * One who can remember back to when a telephone was a convenience. * A guy who realizes that his kid's history lessons are what he read i in the newspapers. * A man who can remember when you could light a cigarette at either end. * A person who can remember when charity was a virtue, and not an industry. * A man who can remember when his only parking problem was getting the girl to say OK. * A man who can remember when a lady looked the same after washing her face. * A guy who can remember when the sky was the limit. * A person who remembers when buttons were sewn.... not pushed. * A man who is old enough not to care what anyone says about him... and no one does. *One who can remember when folks sat down at the table and counted their blessings instead of calories. *A geezer who can remember when setting the world on fire was only a figure of speech. *A person who can recollect when a new baby was considered an addition instead of a deduction. *One who can remember when there was hot criticism of the extravagance of a government when it gave away free garden seeds. *Is a guy who distinctly remembers the 5-cent cigar but forgets the ten hour, six day workweek. *One who still remembers when the red menace was made of flannel, had a flap in the back, and donned in the winter. *The person who can remember that, when you bought $5 worth of groceries, the clerk reminded you to hold the bag by the bottom. *A father who remembers when a juvenile delinquent was a youngster returning from the woodshed. *Is a senior citizen who can remember when you could get the landlord
to fix anything by threatening to move. *A person who can remember when you didn't even think of Christmas shopping until after Thanksgiving. *Is a duffer who recalls that the only improper things you learned in school were fractions.
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YOUR DAILY MOTIVATION
Friday, March 19, 1999
DON'T BELIEVE IN MIRACLES, DEPEND ON THEM.
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You don't need an explanation for everything. There are such things as miracles, events for which there are no ready explanations. Future knowledge may explain these events quite easily. Any sufficiently advanced technology is quite indistinguishable from magic.
Seeing, hearing, feeling are all miracles as well as each part of you. Seeing is not always believing. You know much more than you understand.
Have the vision to see invisible things.
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YOUR DAILY MOTIVATION
Saturday, March 20, 1999
THERE IS ALWAYS A GOOD SIDE.
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Be an optimist and try to see the opportunity in every misfortune, not a pessimist that sees misfortune in every opportunity. The optimist sees the doughnut, the pessimist sees the hole.
You can develop success from every failure. Discouragement and failure are two stepping stones to success. No other elements can do so much for you if you are willing to study them and make them work for you.
View every problem as an opportunity. When it is dark
enough you can see the stars.
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©1999 Written by: Mentor2006@aol.com YOUR DAILY MOTIVATION
Sunday, March 21, 1999
EVERY WINNER HAS SCARS.
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Your life is a series of experiences, some good, some bad. Each experience makes you bigger and stronger, even though it is often hard for you to realize it.
Learn quickly that the setbacks and grief's which you endure actually help you in your march forward. This world was built to develop your character.
Stay in the midst of activity and life. Don't isolate yourself. Be among people and things, among troubles, difficulties and obstacles. Your character develops itself in the stream of life.
Life is a classroom in which you are being tested, tried,
and passed. You're expected to make measurable progress in reasonable amounts
of time. That's why those third grade chairs are so small.
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The Oakland Tribune March 16. 1999
Report: MTBE water risks withheld --By Chris Bowman and Patrick Hoge
Sacramento -- America's fuel industry knew about the risk to r from MTBE years before domestic refineries more than doubled the chemical's volume in gasoline, but manufacturers marketed the product as an environmental improvement anyway.
In technical papers and conference presentations, environmental engineers for refineries and government regulators alike predicated that MTBE could become a lingering groundwater menace as its usage increased.
Sixteen years before MTBE-rich gasoline was approved for statewide use in California to combat air pollution, oil companies knew from their first experience with the fuel additive in New England how quickly methyl tertiary- butyl ether can migrate from leaking storage tanks to r wells, company records and technical journals show.
At the time, the pollution specialists stressed that MTBE was in many way more worrisome than gasoline's cancer-causing benzene.
"MTBE plumes are expected to move faster and further than benzene plumes
emanating from a gasoline spill," three Shell researchers said in an internal 1992 paper. "Moreover, the solubility of MTBE is nearly 25 times that of
benzene, and its concentration in gasoline will be approximately 10 times greater."
These papers have renewed importance today in California, where the spotlight on the controversy may turn on the industry.
Later this month, Gov. Gray Davis is expected to announce that MTBE presents a public health treat and should be phased out of California, sources in his administration say. Such an action would not end the public debate, but rather shift it to the question of who will pay to clean up MTBE and how much cleanup should occur. Even if the synthetic compound were banned overnight -- a highly unlikely prospect -- California would still have to defend its water supplies for
many years against MTBE-laced groundwater from past fuel leaks.
MTBE is a key component of a "cleaner-burning gasoline" that has been used in most of California's 27 million vehicles fro removing 300 hundred tons of tailpipe poisons every day in the state, it also has created a Pandora's
box underground.
Increasingly, the compound has found its way into underground reservoirs, in stormwater runoff, in recreational lakes and in wells across the country. In California, MTBE has contaminated 10,000 groundwater sites and tainted Tahoe, Donner, Shasta, and several other lakes. It also has knocked out wells in several communities. In South Lake Tahoe, more than a dozen wells have been shut down because of MTBE contamination.
While scientists are still studying MTBE's health effects -- the federal
government classifies it as a "possible" cancer-causing agent in humans -- minute amounts of the pollutant can spoil wells by imparting a bitter taste and solvent-like odor.
The bill for MTBE is yet to come, and, one way of another, consumers will ultimately pay for it. That will be in the cleanup of MTBE-laden fuel that has spilled and leaked from pipelines and storage tanks. The restoration is expected to take many years, at a cost of tens of millions of dollars a year, a major University of California study recently concluded.
From: Magic Mike B [mailto:mike] Sent: Thursday, March 18, 1999 12:51 PM To: MagicMailout bcc's Subject: Needles at Twilight, Kosher sex, chemicals in water, jokes
Hi, Today's desktop wallpaper is The Needles at Twilight, - In addition to the unique combination of sunset colors, there is the little sliver of a crescent moon peaking through the storm clouds. http://funandmagic.com/photolinks2.htm . I saw this link about the Joys of Kosher sex and had to check it out. It was actually a very well written article about marriage. When asked if you want the MNBC news reader plug-in you may choose no and cancel both questions and the article will appear. http://www.msnbc.com/news/250101.asp Read it! Folks, if you don't have a water filter, you are the water filter. Over a billion pounds of toxic chemicals were dumped into U.S. waterways between 1992 and 1996 according to a study released mid-September by the U.S. Public Interest Research Group (US PIRG), and the group warns that millions of Americans who rely on the nation's waterways as sources of r should be concerned. The report charges that many of the chemicals contaminating U.S. waters are known to cause health problems, including cancer and birth defects. Go to my page right now and order one cheap, even free time payments! 6 cents a gallon! . Have a magic, clean healthy water day and pass it on. Magic Mike http://funandmagic.com/ Sometimes I think I understand everything, then I regain consciousness.
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A visitor from Holland was chatting with his American friend and was jokingly explaining about the red, white and blue in the Netherlands flag.
"Our flag symbolizes our taxes," he said. "We get red when we talk about them, white when we get our tax bill, and blue after we pay them."
"That's the same with us," the American said, "only we see stars, too."
The real-estate boss got a hot new secretary, and he decided to put some moves on her. But within a few weeks, he is feeling displeased at the way she is working, not caring, coming to work late, and so on.
Finally, he pulls her aside, and has a little talk with her. "Listen, baby, we may have gone to bed together a few times, but who said you could start coming in late and slacking off?"
The secretary's reply, "My lawyer!"
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A US Border Patrol Agent catches an illegal alien in the bushes right by the border fence, he pulls him out and says "Sorry, you know the law, you've got to go back across the border right now."
The mexican man pleads with them, "No, noooo Senior, I must stay in de USA! Pleeeze!"
The Border Patrol Agent thinks to himself, I'm going to make it hard for him and says "Ok, I'll let you stay if you can use 3 english words in a sentence".
The Mexican man of course agrees.
The Border Patrol Agent tells him, "The 3 words are: Green, Pink and Yellow. Now use them in 1 sentence."
The Mexican man thinks really hard for about 2 minutes, then says, "Hmmm, Ok. The phone, it went Green, Green, Green,... I Pink it up, and sez Yellow?"
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--
Did you hear about the guy who finally figured out women? He died laughing before he could tell anybody.
What's a Jewish girl's idea of natural childbirth? No makeup.
Priests should really be allowed to marry. Until then, they'll never know what HELL is really like.
What goes clip-clop, clip-clop, bang-bang, bang-bang, clip-clop, clip-clop? An Amish drive by shooting.
If everything is going well, you don't know what the hell is going on.
Sex is a three-letter word which needs some old-fashioned four-letter words to convey its full meaning.
YOUR DAILY MOTIVATION
Thursday, March 18, 1999
YOUR SUCCESS DEPENDS ON YOUR ENJOYMENT.
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You'll never achieve real success unless you like what you are doing. What you do is more important than how much money you make. How you feel about it is more important then what you do.
The more you love what you are doing, the more successful it will be for you. Don't set compensation as your goal. Find the work you like, and the compensation will follow.
You don't pay the price of success. You enjoy the price for success.
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parlor.htm
From: Magic Mike B [mailto:mike] Sent: Monday, March 15, 1999 12:29 PM To: MagicMailout bcc's Subject: Volcano that didn't kill me, jokes, Phil's Planet Proctor
Hi, Happy Monday! Today's photo is Mount St. Helens, the volcano that didn't kill me. http://funandmagic.com/photolinks2.htm I would rather be seeing the mountain from this photo, than from my ashy grave. I was planning to camp at the mountain Saturday May 17th, and get up the next Morning May 18th for a 10am meditation at my Tibetan lama's new Olympia center. Someone said if I wanted to be known for magic shows in my new home of Seattle, I should go to the mountain another weekend and perform at The University Street Fair. They were right. If I went and didn't leave before 8:30am I would still be there. One person got out of the camp ground at 100 miles per hour, with trees snapping behind him and 600 degree gas. The cartoon of the day is what a guy might see at a woman's special time of the month. .http://funandmagic.com/CartoonOfTheDay.html Below, Orbiting the bottom of this page, is Firesign Phil's Planet Proctor. ( Even though they didn't get the grammy, it still is a the funniest thing since sliced bread. "Give me Immortality Or Give Me Death", available on CD with butter and jam.) Have a magic day and pass it on. Magic Mike parlor.htm
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You may think that burglary is easy, but it isn't. There are many details to remember. Make one mistake, however little, and you'll fail. It's as simple as that. Take this Colorado burglar for example.
The man set out to rob a store, remembering to bring a crowbar with him. Carefully, he attempted to pry the door open. Suddenly, his crack criminal mind told him that something was wrong. He looked up.
That's when he noticed that there were people in the store. It was still open!
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- The Top 16 Euphemisms for Masturbation:
16. Lap-based web browsing
15. Gettin' some air nookie
14. Wrangling the invertebrate serpent
13. Tango Con Mano
12. Jostling your Elder
11. Ruminating & Pondering
10. Shaking your fist at the ex-girlfriend
9. Releasing the hostages
8. Tickling your Elmo
7. Fixing the Hubble
6. Putting the Seminal Luge Team through their paces
5. Carnal Tunnel Syndrome
4. Beta-testing the hardware
3. Downloading from your own website
2. Evicting the testicular squatters
and the Number 1 Euphemism for Masturbation...
1. Manually Increasing the Surface Temperature of the Ship's Primary Cannon by Repeated Linear Manipulation
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The Top 16 Nineteenth-Century Euphemisms for Masturbation:
16. Pocket Punch 'n' Judy
15. Signing your John Hancock
14. Dragging Thyself to Hell, One Hand's Breadth at a Time
13. Emptyin' the Saloon
12. Waving to Queen Victoria
11. Trying for a Scarlet "M"
10. Oiling the Pennywhistle
9. Assaulting the Tower of London
8. Cleaning the Musket
7. Quashing the Southern Uprising
6. Monitoring your Merrimac
5. Driving the Golden Spike
4. Delivering the Ejaculation Proclamation
3. Churning the Codpiece Butter
2. Square Dancing with Satan
.....and the Number 1 Nineteenth-Century Euphemism for Masturbation...
1. Addressing Lord Palmer
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Subject: PP 99 - 6 Date: Sun, 14 Mar 1999 18:39:04 -0500 From: Phil Proctor <PProctor@compuserve.com To: AAA <pproctor@compuserve.com
(((((((((((((((((((((((((((( PLANET PROCTOR 99 - 6 www.planetproctor.com
"Theatre is the primordial ooze out of which all actors crawl, where we were all born, where the art began." -- The late Richard Kiley
MOOSE AND SQUIRREL Well, I've worked several days now on "The Rocky and Bullwinkle Movie" at Universal. The moose and squirrel will be animated a la "Roger Rabbit" (voices by Keith Scott and June Foray) but everyone else is "real", so after checking into my tiny trailer, I took my first peek into the mind-boggling RBTYV (Really Bad Television) studio, which takes up the entire space on Stage 16 and is dominated by three humungus TV Screens. Suddenly, out walks Jonathan Winters in a modified Calvalry outfit! I had a nice talk with him and his son, Jay (both FST fans). I then joined the rest of the cast on set and after chatting up (in Russian) half a dozen Russian gals and guys passing as "Pottsylvanians", I met Jason Alexander, who is simply adorable as Boris Badenov, and Renee Russo, who is simply Natasha in a tight red dress. Robert De Niro is very funny as Fearless Leader, determined to zombify America with bad TV to get elected president; and since he's producing as well, there are lots of takes from lots of angles, each requiring a half-hour or more of setups. He's a very focused actor, kind and good-natured, rather shy between takes -- and very funny. I'm working literally side-by-side with his comely daughter Drena, playing a shameless lackey, and that means that the director, Des MacAnuff, is getting closeups of us in the big scenes. Thanks, Dad! My first day lasted from 10:45 am to 10:15 pm and one of the highlights was the singing of the Pottsylvanian national anthem accompanied by appropriately goofy choreography. I remember the words cause we did it 150,000 times: "Hail Pottsylvania!/Hail to ther Black and the Blue! Hail Pottsylvania, /Sneaky and crooked, through and through... Down with the good guys,/Up with the Boss, Under the sign of the triple cross!/Hail Pottsylvania! Hail, hail, hail!" Friday, we worked from 8:30 am til 11:45 pm; and I still have 2 or 3 more days to go -- then on to the rewrite of the FST touring show. Nice to have a small part in a big movie. As FL's floor manager in charge of the Big Broadcast my line is "10-9-8-7-6-5-4-3-2-1." Let's call it a "cameo." Grammy-Award winner Carl Reiner also "cameos" as studio mogul P.G. Biggershot. Coincidently, Melinda and I went to the MTV&R "Salute to Carl Reiner" at the Director's Guild on Tuesday, where at the end of the evening he spotted your humble editor in the audience and had me stand to acnowledge applause for the Firesign. It was an incredible evening of stories, clips and laughs with co-panelists Neil Simon, Larry Gelbart, Sam Denoff, Nanette Fabray and Dick Van Dyke.
In Everett, Washington "It is illegal to display a hypnotized or allegedly hypnotized person in a store window."
TEN AND COUNTING Melinda and I also recently celebrated 10 years of living together under the same roof, by leaving the house and motoring North to Moro Bay. We were served breakfast by "Cubby" Brocoli's wife's ex-personal chef, who offered us, among other treats, a "Windbagger's Fruit Boat" leaving Melinda to comment that in Key West that would be an all-day fishing excursion. Other delicacies from the restaurant which is located next to the Heron Rookery and National Park, were Bent-Nose clams, Ghost Shrimps, Moon Snails, Basket Cockles, Sickle Razors, Geoducks and Gapes. And those were just appetizers! For the main course, you had your pick of Ida's Miter, Spotted Thorn Drupes, Tabled Whelks, Marbled Godwits, Emigrant Dogwinkles, Painted Sprinkles, Black-bellied Plovers, Greated Yellowlegs or Long bored Curlews. (Tastes a lot better than the bald eagle, I can tell ya...)
"FOR SALE BY OWNER: Complete 45 volume set of Encyclopedia Britannica. $1,000.00 or best offer. No longer needed Got married last weekend. Wife knows everything." New York Times classified ad
ACCOUNTING ON IT A long-married accountant leaves a letter for his wife one evening that reads: "I am 54 and by the time you receive this letter I will be at the Grand Hotel with my beautiful and sexy 18 year-old secretary." When he arrived at the hotel, there was a letter waiting for him that read: "Dear Husband, I, too, am 54; and by the time you receive this letter, I will be at the Breakwater Hotel with my handsome and virile 18 year-old boy toy. You being an accountant will therefore appreciate that 18 goes into 54 many more times than 54 goes into 18."
"There are three signs of old age. The first is your loss of memory, the other two I forget." (Sorry, I can't recall who said this...)
HOT STUFF "Sir, I was shocked by the language of Molly McAnailly Burke's piece on lesbian rockers, and your allowing it in a family newspaper. The offending phrase "five writhing beauties hot for each other" should be "five writhing beauties hot for one another," since *each other* applies only to two." -- Letter to the Editor of Dublin's "Sunday Independent" (Thanks to Gary Margolis)
"My mother used to warn me to beware of Irish Alzheimer's disease. That's where you forget everything but your grudges." - Singer Judy Collins
IT'S GEEK TO ME A recently discovered translation of the first virus alert is going around the net: "Warning!!! If you receive a gift in the shape of a large wooden horse -- do not download it!!!! It is EXTREMELY DESTRUCTIVE and will overwrite your ENTIRE CITY! The 'gift' is disguised as a large wooden horse about two stories tall. It tends to show up outside the city gates and appears to be abandoned. DO NOT let it through the gates! It contains hardware that is incompatible with Trojan programming, including a crowd of heavily armed Greek warriors that will destroy your army, sack your town, and kill your women and children. If you have already received such a gift, DO NOT OPEN IT! Take it back out of the city unopened and set fire to it by the beach. Poseidon FORWARD THIS MESSAGE TO EVERYONE YOU KNOW!"
*******************
FROM: hector@studmuffin.com TO: laocoon@doomgloom.edu Laocoon, I hate to break to you, but this is one of the oldest hoaxes there is. I've seen variants on this warning come through on other listservs, one about some kind of fruit that was supposed to kill the people who ate it and one having to do with something called the "Midas Touch." Here are a few tipoffs that this is a hoax: 1) This "Forward this message to everyone you know" crap. If it were really meant as a warning about the Greek army, why tell anyone to post it to the Phonecians, Sumerians, and Cretans? 2) Use of exclamation points. Always a giveaway. 3) It's signed "from Poseidon." Granted he's had his problems with Odysseus but he's one of their guys, isn't he? Besides, the lack of a real header with a detailed address makes me suspicious. 4) Technically speaking, there is no way for a horse to overwrite your entire city. A horse is just an animal, after all. Next time you get a message like this, just delete it. I appreciate your concern, but once you've been around the block a couple times you'll realize how annoying this kind of stuff is. Hector.
"If you can't beat them...arrange to have them beaten." George Carlin
"REAL" VIRUSES! * Lewinsky virus - Sucks all the memory out of your computer, then e-mails everyone about what it did. * Ronald Regan virus - Saves your data, but forgets where it is stored * Mike Tyson Virus - Quits after one byte. * Oprah Winfrey virus - Your 300MB hard drive suddenly shrinks to 100MB, and then slowly expands to 200MB.: * Dr Jack Kervorkian virus - Deletes all old files * Titanic virus - Your whole computer goes down. * Disney virus - Everything in your computer goes Goofy. * Prozac virus - Screws up your RAM but your processor doesn't care. * Joey Buttafucco virus - Only attacks minor files. * Arnold Schwarzenegger virus - Terminates some files, leaves, but it'll be back. * Lorena Bobbit virus - Turns your hard disk into a 3.5 inch floppy.
In Pocatello, Idaho a law passed in 1912 provided that " A person may not be seen in public without a smile on their face."
SHAKESPEARE IN HEAT Rich Demaio writes: "I must take exception to the quote in the last Planet from Marc Norman stating that 'If Shakespeare was alive today, he'd be driving a Porche, licing in Bel-Air and he'd have a deal at Paramount.' "First of all if Shakespeare were alive today he'd be nearly 500 years old. Since they took away the license of that 96 year old chippie that killed that young girl, I don't think they would even let him take the test. The eye chart is another footnote. Would he have specs? Presbyopia must be a BITCH when you're 500 years old. And with no car and no cash, he's gonna be pretty much stranded. No meetings, no deals. Secondly, I don't think he'd drive a Porche. I see him in more of a VOLVO kind of thing. It's closer to Denmark. In fact, Shakespeare would more than likely be on WELFARE. He has no skills except 'Bard,' (and go put THAT on a resume), is completely unfamiliar with a fax, office equipment, cel phones- ANY phones for that matter, which would render him useles in that environment. Face it. Shakespeare can't even sling hamburgers and unless you have a job in L.A. you're gonna starve. As for the deal at Paramount? Sorry. What would he submit? His stuff is too long. And agent would take one look at, say, Hamlet at 1,046 pages and have his assistant send it back. Or maybe not, because postage to England is expensive and everyone in Hollywood is downsizing these days. No one reads sonnets, his plays woudn't work on Broadway (too long) and none of his stuff has cop chases, doctors, lawyers or Will Smith, all of which seem essential for a successful flick or in copping a deal (or a feel) in Hollywierd. So frankly, I don't think he'd stand a chance. But that's just my opinion."
"I liked Marc normans OTHER comment re Shakespeare: "He was just like today's Hollywood writers: broke, horny, and searching for a new idea." Hank Rosenfeld
STANLEY KUBRICK: EYES WIDE SHUT He didn't live to see "2001, but he is a lionized master of whose films my personal favorites (besides "A Space Odyssey") will always be "Lolita" and "Dr. Strangelove." Known to be tough on his actors, there's a story from "Full Metal Jacket" that when he asked for volunteers to be killed off early, almost every actor raised his hand. Thoseselected soon discovered that they had to lie around as a corpse in the mud for three months.
"A film is -- or should be -- more like music than like fiction. It should be a progression of moods and feelings. The theme, what's behind the emotion, the meaning, all that comes later." -- Stanley Kubrick, wrapped at 70
WHAT, QUIT SHOWBIZ? And the late mad genius and father of modern improv, Del Close, has bequeathed his own skull to the Goodman Theatre to be used as "Yorick" in their productions of Hamlet. Indeed, the day after he died, his wife, Charna, was on the phone making arrangements with a local medical school and a ceremony to turn Del over to the Goodman will be scheduled soon. Although I heard that a British actor did the same thing in Stratford several years ago, it seems an appropriate move for Del, who as a young man joined a carnival group in which he learned to dodge knives and eat fire, calling himself "Azrad the Incombustible", and later threw spaghetti "worms" at moviegoers during late-night horror shows. But "Now rises the larger question," notes actor Tom Tulley, "When next the Goodman theatre does Hamlet, shall the melancholy Dane say, "Alas poor Yorick. I knew him...Del?!"
"Good health is merely the slowest possible rate at which one can die."
+++++++++++(3/15/99)++++++++++ * FIRESIGN SITE: www.firesigntheatre.com * FIREZINE: $15.00 per annum: www.intrepid.net/~firezine/ * FIRESIGN PRODUCT: www.lodestone-media.com * FUNNY TIMES: www.funnytimes.com
PLANET PROCTOR (C) 1999 by Phil Proctor
From: Magic Mike B [mailto:mike] Sent: Sunday, March 14, 1999 12:48 PM To: MagicMailout bcc's Subject: Hale-Bopp, jokes, daily inspiration
Hi, I hope you are all doing well. Today's photo is a spectacular shot of the Hale-Bopp comet in front of the Andromeda Galaxy. http://funandmagic.com/photolinks2.htm I would take LView on my Utilities Page and change size to desktop. You might like to do that with all your small photos! Don't forget to save disk space with Smart Saver on the Utilities Page. You do sacrifice quality, so I tweak it down until I still can't see a difference. There are lots of new recipes, links, cartoons, and WAV's so stop in and have fun! Have a magic day and pass it on! Magic Mike http://funandmagic.com/magicjokeparlor.htm The math teacher saw that little Johnny wasn't paying attention in class. She called on him and said, "Johnny! What are 2 and 4 and 28 and 44?"
Little Johnny quickly replied, "NBC, CBS, HBO and the Cartoon Network!"-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=
-=-=-
After years of married life, a man finds he is unable to perform. He goes to his doctor, and his doctor tries a few things, but nothing works. Finally the doctor says to him "This is all in your mind." and refers him to a psychiatrist. After a few visits, the psychiatrist confesses, "I am at a loss as to how you could possibly be cured." Finally the psychiatrist refers him to a witch doctor. The witch doctor says, "I can cure this." He throws some powder on a flame, and there is a flash with billowing blue smoke. The witch doctor says "This is powerful healing, but you can only use it once a year! All you have to do is say `1-2-3` and it shall rise for as long as you wish!" The guy then asks the witch doctor "What happens when it's over?" The witch doctor says "All you or your partner has to say is "1-2-3-4" and it will go down. But be warned; it will not work again for another year!" The guy goes home and that night he is ready to surprise his wife with the good news. So, he is lying in bed with her and says "1-2-3", and suddenly he gets an erection. His wife turns over and says "What did you say "1-2-3" for? -=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=
Dear Online John Mail
Dear [insert screen name here] (if that is your real name),
I regret to inform you that, under a plan for the periodic removal of unpleasantness from my life, I must terminate our online affair. This termination takes effect immediately, but only because I could not make it retroactive. Below, you will find the reasons for this action:
_____ While our cybersex sessions were, for the most part, competent, your constant use of "brb gotta pee" took some of the romance out of it.
_____ Your use of the term "the ol' cyber ball and chain" to refer to me has hurt my feelings.
_____ I've found another lover, one who knows the importance of punctuation.
_____ Certain errors during cyber sessions indicate that you were less than honest:
· __ You typed: "I remove my bra" when you claimed to be a man.
· __ You typed: "I enter you" when you claimed to be a woman.
· __ You typed your own name at the end.
· __ Your supposedly original scenario, it turns out, is simply page 56 of a Jackie Collins novel.
· __ Your repeated references to animals suggest that you are hiding something from me.
· __ Your refusal to cyber until I submitted a recent AIDS test suggests a degree of paranoia that is, simply put, unhealthy.
· __ I finally opened the file with your __ gif __ jpg __ police record.
· __ I have no choice but to comply with the court orders unless I wish to face stalking charges.
· __ Mommie says I need to spend less time on the computer.
· __ Your mommie called me and yelled at me because of all the time you're spending on the computer.
· __ I have established a more personal relationship with the Lord, and I would like to talk to you in great detail about what you can do to ensure a place in Heaven when the endgames come. They are closer than you think.
· ___ The fact that you BCC all your love letters to me leaves me feeling less than special. As in cyber cheating.
· ___ I finally read your profile, and the fact that you are only 14 violates the terms of my parole.
· ___ I am entering the witness protection program.
Please understand, __ [screen name] and/or __ you misbegotten son of a bitch __ sir/madam __ mom/dad [for use in West Virginia], that there is nothing personal in this. We've simply grown apart.
Any additional correspondence you may direct to my attorney,
__ Sincerely,
__ Gleefully,
__ I have to go before the warden calls "lights out,"
__ Uh oh, my Real Life mate is coming up the stairs,
__ Good riddance,
[Name or alias]
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
YOU HAVE THE POWER TO CHOOSE.
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------------------
While your character is formed by your circumstances, your own desires can do much to shape those circumstances. The one thing over which you have absolute control is your own thoughts. It is this that puts you in a position to control your own destiny.
Nature is at work around you. Character and destiny are her handiwork. She gives you love and hate, jealousy and reverence. All that is yours is the power to choose which impulse you follow.
You can at any time decide to alter the course of your life. No one can take that away from you. You can do what you want to do. You can be who you want to be.
All you have to do is decide on what you want.
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©1999 Written by: Mentor2006@aol.com -=-
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To Each His Own I cannot change the way I am, I never really try, God made me different and unique, I never ask him why.
If I appear peculiar, There's nothing I can do, You must accept me as I am, As I've accepted you.
God made a casting of each life, Then threw the old away, Each child is different from the rest, Unlike as night from day.
So often we will criticize, The things that others do, But, do you know, they do not think, The same as me and you.
So God in all his wisdom, Who knows us all by name, He didn't want us to be bored,
That's why we're not the same.
From: Magic Mike B [mailto:mike] Sent: Friday, March 12, 1999 8:24 PM To: MagicMailout bcc's Subject: Mt. Hood again, Anti-trust lunch, links, and recipes
Hi, Today's photo is another stunner of Mt. Hood. http://funandmagic.com/photolinks2.htm Happy birthday to Dawn. Here is a dreamcatcher site for her and all of you who want a dream. http://www.geocities.com/Heartland/Acres/5472/dreamcatcher.html This is a fun page. "http://www.angelfire.com/al/Just4JR/KissMe.html"KISS ME Lots of links below, and all the way down some recipes for you. Have magic day and pass it on. Magic Mike http://funandmagic.com/magicjokeparlor.htm No Variety Allowed
-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-
After the recent Anti-trust hearings, Bill Gates recently compared the software market with the soft drink market. He says Microsoft is struggling to survive but that the beverage giant will be on top forever because the Department of Justice doesn't pick on them. Of course, Bill should be careful not to give Coke any ideas. We might end up with a scenario like the following:
Joe: (walking into McDonalds) Hi, I'd like a Big Mac.
Cashier: Okay, here's your Big Mac and here's your Coke. That'll be $3.99.
Joe: Uh, I don't want a Coke.
Cashier: Sorry, they're bundled.
Joe: What? I'm not paying for a Coke!
Cashier: You don't; the Coke is free.
Joe: But wasn't a Big Mac $2.49 last week?
Cashier: Sure, but this latest Big Mac is far more innovative. It's got integrated Coke!
Joe: I already bought a Snapple across the street... I'm not going to drink the Coke.
Cashier: Then you can't have the burger.
Joe: Okay, fine, I will pay the $3.99 and throw the Coke away.
Cashier: Oh, you can't do that. They're seamlessly integrated. Totally inseparable.
Joe: How can that be? They're two totally separate things!
Cashier: No, watch. (takes Big Mac, dunks it in a tank of Coke) See?
Joe: Why did you just do that?!
Cashier: It's a benefit to the consumer. Otherwise you'd end up with two different, inconsistent tastes. This way you're assured of a continuous taste across all your foods.
Joe: Aaarrgh!
=========================
===============
Watch Out
-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-
I was on my way home last night, when I found myself behind a car with the license plate "NT GURU".
I figured the car would just stop working with no warning, or turn blue and crash violently.
I quickly passed him.
Last week I took my children to a restaurant. My six-year-old son asked if he could say grace. As we bowed our heads, he said, "God is good. God is great. Thank you for the food, and I would even thank you more if mom gets us ice cream for dessert. And liberty and justice for all! Amen!"
Along with laughter from the other customers nearby, I heard a woman remark, "That's what's wrong with this country. Kids today don't even know how to pray. Asking God for ice cream! Why, I never!"
Hearing this, my son burst into tears and asked me, "Did I do it wrong? Is God mad at me?"
As I held him and assured him that he had done a terrific job and God was certainly not mad at him, an elderly gentleman approached the table. He winked at my son and said, "I happen to know that God thought that was a great prayer." "Really?" my son asked. "Cross my heart." Then in a theatrical whisper the gentleman added (indicating the woman whose remark had started this whole thing), "Too bad she never asks God for ice cream. A little ice cream is good for the soul sometimes."
Naturally, I bought my kids ice cream at the end of the meal. My son stared at his for a moment and then did something I will remember the rest of my life. He picked up his sundae and without a word walked over and placed it in front of the woman. With a big smile he told her, "Here, this is for you. Ice cream is good for the soul sometimes, and my soul is already good."
Final Exam =--= A professor stood before his class of 20 senior organic biology students, about to hand out the final exam. "I want to say that it's been a pleasure teaching you this semester. I know you've all worked extremely hard and many of you are off to medical school after summer. So that no one gets their GP messed up because they might have been celebrating a bit too much this week, anyone who would like to opt out of the final exam today will receive a "B" for the course."
There was much rejoicing amongst the class as students got up, passed by the professor to thank him and sign out on his offer.
As the last taker left the room, the professor looked out over the handful of remaining students and asked, "Any one else? This is your last chance." One final student rose up and took the offer.
The professor closed the door and took attendance of those students remaining. "I'm glad to see you believe in yourself." he said. "You all have "A"s."
Animal Crackers =--= A mother and her young son returned from the grocery store and began putting away the groceries. The boy opened the box of animal crackers and spread them all over the table.
"What are you doing?" his mother asked.
"You can't eat them if the seal is broken" the boy explained, "I'm looking for the seal."
\
Fun on the Fairway
=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-
Two longtime golfing buddies got to the course one day and decided that today they would play the ball where it lies... "No matter what!" On the 14th hole, one of them sliced his ball and it ended up on the cart path. As he reached down to pick up his ball to get relief, his friend said, "Wait a minute! We agreed that we would not improve our lies! Remember? No matter what!"
The first player tried to explain that he was entitled to this relief -- that it was in the rules of golf. But the second fellow would not allow it. Finally, in disgust, the man went to the cart and grabbed a club.
As he stood near his ball, he took a few practice swings, each time scraping the club on the pavement and sending out showers of sparks.
Finally, he took his shot. The club hit the cement again, sparks went flying, but his ball shot straight towards the green, landed and rolled to a stop -- two inches from the cup.
"Great shot!" his friend exclaimed. "What club did you use?" The man answered with a wry smile, "Your 7-iron!"
YOU CAN LIVE YOUR DREAMS.
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You are different from anyone else and that makes you special. Only you know what is best for you.
It is by taking chances that you advance on your road to success. Don't be afraid to encounter risks. Don't let your life slip through your fingers by living in the past or the future. Live your life with passion each day and you live all the days of your life.
Remember where you have been and know where you are going. Life is not a race but a journey to be savored each step of the way.
You can have anything you want from life if you try. You
owe it to yourself to try.
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- ©1999 Written by: Mentor2006@aol.com
WINNING STARTS WHEN YOU START.
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To solve a problem or to reach your goal, you don't need to know all the answers in advance. But you must have a clear idea of the problem or the goal you want to reach.
All you have to do is know where you're going. The answers will come to you of their own accord.
Don't procrastinate when faced with a big difficult problem, break the problem into parts, and handle one part at a time.
If you can get up the courage to begin, you have the courage to succeed. It's the job you never start that takes the longest to finish. Don't worry about what lies dimly at a distance, but do what lies clearly ahead.
Your biggest opportunity is where you are right now. When
you begin you are half done.
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©1999 Written by: Mentor2006@aol.com
Subject: Stunning photo of Io, Computer Go, tons of fun jokes Date: Thu, 11 Mar 1999 10:00:02 -0800 From: Mike Berger < Organization: American Reading Association To: "MagicMailout bcc's" <"MagicMailout bcc's",
Hi, I took a few days off writing. Dont miss these two pics for your desktop! Here is a stunning photo of Io taken against the backdrop of Jupiter, and a sunset showing a Jupiter and Venus Conjunction and three other planets! http://funandmagic.com/photolinks2.htm Here is a must for. Learn to play Go, the ancient Chinese strategy game, against this computer, on a 9x9 board. http://www.smart-games.com/manyfaces.html (it is also only (800k)! The traditional game is 19x19 and requires thinking in nine areas of play at the same time. The 9x9 board is used to teaching close tactics. I am often in the Zone Go room palying the 19x19 game. http://www.zone.com/asp/script/default.asp?game=ogog Have a magic day and pass it on. Magic Mike http://funandmagic.com/magicjokeparlor.htm
=-=-=--=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=------=-=-
A Cardiologist came up with a new operating procedure that would cut down the time that heart surgery would take and would cause less trauma to the patient. He was praised by his peers when he presented it at a convention in Washington D.C. He was also paid $50,000 to present his find. He did a couple more of these presentations and realized that it would be more lucrative to do lectures on his find than to work as a surgeon. So he decided to do the lectures full-time. He hired a driver and purchased a limousine.
One day, after he'd been doing the lecture circuit for about 6 months, his driver turns to him and says: "You know.... This is completely not fair." "What do you mean?" asked the surgeon "Well, you get paid $50,000 every time you do this lecture and that's more than I get paid in a year" said the driver.
The surgeon explains to him that it is a very complicated procedure and that he is the only person that can give this lecture. "That's not true, I can do your lecture blindfolded. I have seen you do your lecture so many times that I know it by heart." said the driver. "Well, if that's the case, I'll tell you what. You do this lecture and you can keep the $50,000 if you do it right." said the surgeon. The driver says "OK, you're on." So when they arrive at the lecture hall, the surgeon and the driver change coats and the surgeon puts on the driver's hat and sits in the back of the room.
The driver nails the presentation. Not only that, he also answers all the questions without any problems. Just when the driver thinks he's done, an audience member, wearing a lab coat and tape covered glasses stands up and asks a complex question that the driver is not able to answer. "You know..." says the driver, "I have done this lecture 287 times and I have never been asked such a stupid question. As a matter of fact, that question is SO stupid that I am going to let my driver answer it."
A little old ladies phone rings late one night and she answers it.
"Hello," a deep voice on the other end says, "I know you, you'd like me to push you down on the bed and rip all your clothes off, lick your body all over and make rough love to you."
The old lady looks at the phone blushing and in amazement and replies, "You can tell all this from a single 'Hello?'"
Ah, yes, divorce, from the Latin word meaning to rip out a man's genitals through his wallet. -Robin Williams
Women complain about premenstrual syndrome, but I think of it as the only time of the month that I can be myself. -Rosanne
If you want to say it with flowers, a single rose says: "I'm cheap!" -Delta Burke
We have women in the military, but they don't put us in the front lines. They don't know if we can fight, if we can kill. I think we can. All the general has to do is walk over to the women and say, "You see the enemy over there? They say you look fat in those uniforms." -Elayne Boosler
There's a new medical crisis. Doctors are reporting that many men are having allergic reactions to latex condoms. They say they cause severe swelling. So what's the problem? -Jay Leno
If you can't beat them, arrange to have them beaten. -George Carlin
The problem with the designated driver program, it's not a desirable job. But if you ever get sucked into doing it, have fun with it. At the end of the night, drop them off at the wrong house. -Jeff Foxworthy-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=
-=-=-=-=-=-=-=
-=-=-=-=
Joe woke up one morning with an enormous erection and looked for his wife, but she had awakened and was preparing breakfast in the kitchenJoe was afraid he might spoil things by getting up, so he called his little boy and sent this note to his wife:
The tent pole is up, The canvas is spread. The hell with breakfast, Come back to bed.
The wife answered the note and sent it back by the boy. It read:
Take the tent pole down, Put the canvas away. The monkey had a hemorrhage, No circus today.
So he sent another note. It read:
The tent pole is still up, And the canvas is still spread. So drop what you are doing, And come give me some head.
To which she replied:
I'm sure that your pole's The best in the land. But I'm busy right now So do it by hand! =-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=
-=-=-=-
After a few weeks, John felt a burning sensation in his crotch, and discovered that a whore had given him crabs. Heavily pissed off, he went looking for her, and found her eventually. "You BITCH! You gave me crabs!" he yelled.
She replied, "What the fuck do you expect for five bucks?! LOBSTERS?!"
-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=
-=-=-=-=-=-=
After spending a happy evening drinking together, two acquaintances promise to meet again in ten years at the same bar, same time. Ten years later, the first guy walks in, looks around, and sure enough, there is his friend on a bar stool. He clasps the old friend's hand and cries, "The day we left, I didn't think I'd really see you here!" He looks up, stares, sways slightly and asks, "Who left?"
-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=
-=-=-=-
Morris comes home to find his wife, Sadie, crying. "I found out from Mrs. Goldberg that you've been having an affair with that chippie secretary in your office. Why would you do that to me? Haven't I always been the good wife? I've cooked for you, raised your children, and I've always been by your side for thirty-five years. What haven't I done to make you happy?"
Embarrassed, Morris confesses, "It's true, Sadie, you've been the best wife a man could hope for. You make me happy in all ways but one. You don't moan when we have sex!"
"If I moaned when we had sex, you'd stop running around?! All right, come to the bedroom so I can show you that I, too, can moan during sex!"
So they retire to the bedroom, get undressed, and climb beneath the sheets.
As they begin to kiss, Sadie asks, "Now, Morris, should I moan now?"
"No not yet."
Morris begins fondling Sadie. "What about now? Should I moan now?"
"No, I'll tell you when"
He climbs on top of Sophie and begins to have intercourse.
"Is it time for me to moan, Morris?"
"Wait, I'll tell you when."
Moments later, in the heat of passion, seconds before reaching climax, Morris yells "Now, Sadie, moan! MOAN!"
"OY! You wouldn't believe what a day I had!"
-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=
-=
No Variety Allowed
-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-
After the recent Anti-trust hearings, Bill Gates recently compared the software market with the soft drink market. He says Microsoft is struggling to survive but that the beverage giant will be on top forever because the Department of Justice doesn't pick on them. Of course, Bill should be careful not to give Coke any ideas. We might end up with a scenario like the following:
Joe: (walking into McDonalds) Hi, I'd like a Big Mac.
Cashier: Okay, here's your Big Mac and here's your Coke. That'll be $3.99.
Joe: Uh, I don't want a Coke.
Cashier: Sorry, they're bundled.
Joe: What? I'm not paying for a Coke!
Cashier: You don't; the Coke is free.
Joe: But wasn't a Big Mac $2.49 last week?
Cashier: Sure, but this latest Big Mac is far more innovative. It's got integrated Coke!
Joe: I already bought a Snapple across the street... I'm not going to drink the Coke.
Cashier: Then you can't have the burger.
Joe: Okay, fine, I will pay the $3.99 and throw the Coke away.
Cashier: Oh, you can't do that. They're seamlessly integrated. Totally inseparable.
Joe: How can that be? They're two totally separate things!
Cashier: No, watch. (takes Big Mac, dunks it in a tank of Coke) See?
Joe: Why did you just do that?!
Cashier: It's a benefit to the consumer. Otherwise you'd end up with two different, inconsistent tastes. This way you're assured of a continuous taste across all your foods.
Joe: Aaarrgh!
=========================
===============
Watch Out -=-=-=-=-=-=-=-
I was on my way home last night, when I found myself behind a car with the license plate "NT GURU".
I figured the car would just stop working with no warning, or turn blue and crash violently.
I quickly passed him.
-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=
-=-=-=
Last week I took my children to a restaurant. My six-year-old son asked if he could say grace. As we bowed our heads, he said, "God is good. God is great. Thank you for the food, and I would even thank you more if mom gets us ice cream for dessert. And liberty and justice for all! Amen!"
Along with laughter from the other customers nearby, I heard a woman remark, "That's what's wrong with this country. Kids today don't even know how to pray. Asking God for ice cream! Why, I never!"
Hearing this, my son burst into tears and asked me, "Did I do it wrong? Is God mad at me?"
As I held him and assured him that he had done a terrific job and God was certainly not mad at him, an elderly gentleman approached the table. He winked at my son and said, "I happen to know that God thought that was a great prayer." "Really?" my son asked. "Cross my heart." Then in a theatrical whisper the gentleman added (indicating the woman whose remark had started this whole thing), "Too bad she never asks God for ice cream. A little ice cream is good for the soul sometimes."
Naturally, I bought my kids ice cream at the end of the meal. My son stared at his for a moment and then did something I will remember the rest of my life. He picked up his sundae and without a word walked over and placed it in front of the woman. With a big smile he told her, "Here, this is for you. Ice cream is good for the soul sometimes, and my soul is already good."
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Final Exam =--= A professor stood before his class of 20 senior organic biology students, about to hand out the final exam. "I want to say that it's been a pleasure teaching you this semester. I know you've all worked extremely hard and many of you are off to medical school after summer. So that no one gets their GP messed up because they might have been celebrating a bit too much this week, anyone who would like to opt out of the final exam today will receive a "B" for the course."
There was much rejoicing amongst the class as students got up, passed by the professor to thank him and sign out on his offer.
As the last taker left the room, the professor looked out over the handful of remaining students and asked, "Any one else? This is your last chance." One final student rose up and took the offer.
The professor closed the door and took attendance of those students remaining. "I'm glad to see you believe in yourself." he said. "You all have "A"s."
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Animal Crackers
=--=
A mother and her young son returned from the grocery store and began putting away the groceries. The boy opened the box of animal crackers and spread them all over the table.
"What are you doing?" his mother asked.
"You can't eat them if the seal is broken" the boy explained, "I'm looking for the seal."-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=
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Fun on the Fairway
Two longtime golfing buddies got to the course one day and decided that today they would play the ball where it lies... "No matter what!" On the 14th hole, one of them sliced his ball and it ended up on the cart path. As he reached down to pick up his ball to get relief, his friend said, "Wait a minute! We agreed that we would not improve our lies! Remember? No matter what!"
The first player tried to explain that he was entitled to this relief -- that it was in the rules of golf. But the second fellow would not allow it. Finally, in disgust, the man went to the cart and grabbed a club.
As he stood near his ball, he took a few practice swings, each time scraping the club on the pavement and sending out showers of sparks.
Finally, he took his shot. The club hit the cement again, sparks went flying, but his ball shot straight towards the green, landed and rolled to a stop -- two inches from the cup.
"Great shot!" his friend exclaimed. "What club did you use?" The man answered with a wry smile, "Your 7-iron!"
From: Magic Mike B [mailto:mike] Sent: Sunday, March 07, 1999 2:46 PM To: MagicMailout bcc's Subject: Neon, cool stuff, jokes, & mot
Hi, Today we are back at the Neon Art Gallery for something fun. http://funandmagic.com/photolinks2.htm Happy Birthday Buddy Foley! (thanks for the call). New photolinks pages, new WAV's, new cartoons, new recipes, new links!!! Stop by http://funandmagic.com/magicjokeparlor.htm
These people who do this are really something. It takes a while to DL but give it time! Worth it!! "http://www.ben2.ucla.edu/~permadi/java/spaint/spaint.html"Painter Funny new out of college jokes ( a new set) and motivation stuff! Have a magic day and pass it on! Magic Mike http://funandmagic.com/ YOUR DAILY MOTIVATION Sunday, March 7, 1999 YOUR SUCCESS DEPENDS ON OTHER PEOPLE.
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The only barrier between you and what you want to be is the support of other people.
You can get anything you want in life if you help other people get what they want. Always think in terms of what the other person wants.
Your personal relationships are the fertile soil from which your advancement, success, and achievement in life will grow.
You cannot hold a torch to light an other's path without brightening your own.
Top 22 Signs You've Had Too Much of the 90's:
22. Cleaning up the dining area means getting the fast food bags out of the back seat of your car.
21. Your reason for not staying in touch with family is that they do not have e-mail addresses.
20. Keeping up with sports entails adding ESPN's home page to your bookmarks.
19. You have a "to do list" that includes entries for lunch and bathroom breaks and they are usually the ones that never get crossed off.
18. You have actually faxed your Christmas list to your parents.
17. Pick up lines now include a reference to liquid assets and capital gains.
16. You consider 2nd day air delivery painfully slow.
15. You assume the question to valet park or not is rhetorical.
14. You refer to your dining room table as the flat filing cabinet.
13. Your idea of being organized is multiple colored post-it notes.
12. Your grocery list has been on your refrigerator so long some of the products don't even exist any more.
11. You lecture the neighborhood kids selling lemonade on ways to improve their process.
10. You get all excited when it's Saturday and you can wear sweats to work.
9. You refer to the tomatoes grown in your garden as deliverables.
8. You find you really need PowerPoint to explain what you do for a living.
7. You normally eat out of vending machines and at the most expensive restaurant in town within the same week.
6. You think that "progressing an action plan" and "calendarizing a project" are acceptable English phrases.
5. You know the people at the airport hotels better than your next door neighbors.
4. You ask your friends to "think out of the box" when making Friday night plans.
3. You think Einstein would have been more effective had he put his ideas into a matrix.
2. You think a "half-day" means leaving at 5 o'clock.
And the number 1 sign you've had too much of the 90's:
1. You hear most of your jokes via email instead of in person. Always remember to forget The things that made you sad. But never forget to remember The things that made you glad.
Always remember to forget The friends that proved untrue. But never forget to remember Those that have stuck by you.
Always remember to forget The troubles that passed away. But never forget to remember The blessings that come each day. Subject: Friendship and the was to keep them Date: Sat, 6 Mar 1999 21:21:26 EST From:
Challenge your friend to grow spiritually: A good friend knows the importance of turning the conversation toward matters of faith.
Affirm your friend's value: A phone call or a note can let your friend know how important he or she is and can keep your friendship strong
Respect the feelings and wishes of your friend: No one wants a friend with whom ideas, dreams, and concerns fall on deaf ears. A good friend is a great sounding board.
Encourage your friend with compliments and by doing good deeds: Your friend will feel better after having been in your presence.
From: Magic Mike B [mailto:mike] Sent: Saturday, March 06, 1999 2:55 PM To: MagicMailout bcc's Subject: Miranda, fairies, chocolate, not in college
Hi, Today lets see Miranda, the Uranian innermost and largest moon. http://funandmagic.com/photolinks2.htm Here are some cute things. http://www.xmission.com/~emailbox/fairy.htm http://www.bettycrocker.com/onhand/framebot.html <A HREF="http://www.hersheys.com/cookbook/chocolate/"Greatest Chocolate Recipes ... and More</A http://www.bettycrocker.com/onhand/framebot.html Have a magic day and pass it on. Magic Mike http://funandmagic.com/magicjokeparlor.htm THE FIRST REALIZATIONS THAT YOU'RE NOT IN COLLEGE ANYMORE
**You're waking up at 6 am instead of going to bed.
**Beers at lunch get you reprimanded.
**College sweatshirts are 'casual' instead of dress up.
**Your parents charge rent.
**The four food groups are no longer beer, pizza, chips and cereal.
**It's 'getting late' when it's 9:30 p.m.
**Three words: Student Loan Payments.
**You make thousands of dollars a year - and still can't afford that dream Porsche.
**You start eyeing the Light Beer Section appreciatively.
**Pickup football games mean that at least one person will be in the hospital by game's end.
**THEN, discussing with your friends: GPA's, spring break plans, and tonsil hockey;
**NOW: mutual funds, interest rates, and wedding plans.
**Sleeping on the couch is a no-no.
**Naps are no longer available between noon and 6 p.m.
**Sneakers are now 'weekend shoes'.
**Dinner and a movie - The whole date instead of the beginning of one.
**Pregnancy now brings thought of tax deductions instead of coronaries.
**Jack and Cokes become Dewers on the Rocks.
**The only drugs you take are Tums and Tylenol.
**The weak single you hit in the intramural softball game is now remembered as a Varsity dinger for the League Championship.
**You get your news from sources other than USA Today, ESPN Sportscenter, and MTV News.
**Random hook-ups are no longer socially acceptable.
**You wear more ties in a week than you even owned while taking in college.
**You find yourself reminiscing fondly of 2-hour Calculus exams.
**You empathize with the characters from 'Friends.'
**METABOLISM SLOWDOWN
**Wine appreciation expands beyond Boone's and Mad Dog.
**You actually eat breakfast foods at breakfast time.
**Grocery lists actually contain relatively healthy food.
**When drinking, you say at least once per night, 'I just can't put it down the same as I used to.'
**Over 90% of the time you spend in front of a computer is for real work, not video games.
**You're actually willing to pay a bit more to drink in a bar that's not full of '21-year-old kids.'
**Golf is beginning to seem a lot less silly.Subject: Ganymede, big bro AOL, VCR Y2K, motivations Date: Fri, 05 Mar 1999 12:19:53 -0800 From: Magic Mike B <mike Organization: http://funandmagic.com/ To: "MagicMailout bcc's" <"MagicMailout bcc's"
Hi,
Today the pic is the biggest moon in our system, Ganymede
With a diameter of 5,260 kilometers it is even larger than planets Mercury
and Pluto and just over three quarters the size of Mars. http://funandmagic.com/photolinks2.htm
"I'm sending this to all my friends who might not be aware of this. Go to the tool bar above, select HELP, then select ABOUT AOL, then Ctrl E, now see how big bro AOL watches you? :
" Do not throw away your VCR in the year 2000. Set it on 1972 because the days will be the same. Please pass this on because you know the manufacturer will not share this information. They will want you to buy a new one that is Y2K compliant."
Have a magic day and pass it on.!
Magic Mike http://funandmagic.com/magicjokeparlor.htm
A Jewish boy comes home from school and tells his mother he has been given a part in the school play.
"Wonderful," says the mother, "What part is it?"
The boy says, "I play the part of the Jewish husband!"
The mother scowls and says: "Go back and tell your teacher you want a speaking part!!"-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=
-=-=-=-=It was the stir of the town when an 80 year old man married a 20 year old girl. After a year she went into the hospital to give birth. The nurse came out to congratulate the fellow saying, "This is amazing. How do you do it at your age?" He answered " You've got to keep that old motor running."
The following year she gave birth again. The same nurse said "You really are amazing. How do you do it?" He again said "You've got to keep the old motor running."
The same thing happened the next year. The nurse said
"You must be quite a man." He responded "You've got to keep
that old motor running." The nurse then said, "Well, you had
better change the oil. This one's black."
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-=- http://members.aol.com/_ht_a/chan209/irish.html
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YOUR DAILY MOTIVATION
Friday, March 5, 1999
THINK AHEAD AND YOU GAIN THE ADVANTAGE.
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You gain the advantage in any situation through one medium: time. You can do things before they need to be done. You can position yourself ahead of time in the best place.
Think ahead of any approaching action. Make a plan and you will always have the advantage. You can be the winner in any situation.
Let your advance worrying become advance thinking and planning. In life, as in chess, forethought wins.
The time to repair the roof is when the sun is shining.
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©1999 Written by: Mentor2006@aol.com
Sometimes in life, you find a special friend; Someone who changes your life just by being part of it. Someone who makes you laugh until you can't stop; Someone who makes you believe that there really is good in the world. Someone who convinces you that there really is an unlocked door ust waiting for you to open it. This is Forever Friendship. When you're down, and the world seems dark and empty, Your forever friend lifts you up in spirit and makes that dark and empty world suddenly seem bright and full. Your forever friend gets you through the hard times, the sad times, and the confused times. If you turn and walk away, your forever friend follows. If you lose your way, your forever friend guides you and cheers you on. Your forever friend holds your hand and tells you that everything is going to be okay. And if you find such a friend, you feel happy and complete, because you need not worry. You have a forever friend for life, and forever has no end.
Subject: white bengal tiger Date: Thu, 04 Mar 1999 07:18:33 -0800 From: Magic Mike B <mike Organization: http://funandmagic.com/ To: "MagicMailout bcc's" <"MagicMailout bcc's"
Hi,
I have missed a few lately. I have been a little preoccupied,
and yesterday I woke to no power from a storm. Today's photo is a white
a Bengal Tiger. It comes in all three sizes. http://funandmagic.com/photolinks2.htm
Have a magic day and pass it on.!
Magic Mike http://funandmagic.com/magicjokeparlor.htm
A secretary, a paralegal and a partner in a city law firm are walking through a park on their way to lunch when they find an antique oil lamp. They rub it and a Genie comes out in a puff of smoke. The Genie says, "I usually only grant three wishes, so I'll give each of you just one."
"Me first! Me first!" says the secretary. "I want to be in the Bahamas, driving a speedboat, without a care in the world."
Poof! She's gone.
"Me next! Me next!" says the paralegal. "I want to be in Hawaii, relaxing on the beach with my personal masseuse, an endless supply of pina coladas and the love of my life."
Poof! He's gone.
"You're next," the Genie says to the partner.
The partner says, "I want those two back in the office
after lunch."
~~~~
Subject: Fwd: A sign of the times ...
A mother was reading a book about animals to her 3 year old daughter: Mother: "What does the cow say?" Child: "Moooo!" Mother: "Great! What does the cat say?" Child: "Meow." Mother: "Oh, you're so smart! What does the frog say?" And this wide-eyed little three-year-old looked up at her mother and replied, "Bud."
The man told his doctor that he wasn't able to do all the things around the house that he used to do. When the examination was complete, he said, "Now, Doc, I can take it. Tell me in plain English what's wrong with me."
"Well, in plain English," the doctor replied, "You're just a plain old lazy fart."
"Thank You." said the man. "Now give me the medical term, so I can tell my wife!"
YOUR DAILY MOTIVATION
Sunday, February 28, 1999
UNDERSTANDING GIVES YOU POWER.
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When you educate yourself, you build the power to accomplish your goals. Power comes from knowing how to do something. Your knowledge is power.
As a general rule the most successful people in life are the one's with the best information. People with power are people who know how to get things done. Your knowing how to do something is sometimes virtually the same as having done it.
Knowledge will come to you by having your eyes and mind always open. There is no knowledge that is not power.
In the land of the blind, the one eyed man is king.
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©1999 Written by: Mentor2006@aol.com
Subject: Reflection nebula, daily juice, recipes, and links Date: Tue, 02 Mar 1999 08:39:36 -0800 From: Magic Mike B <mike Organization: http://funandmagic.com/ To: "MagicMailout bcc's" <"MagicMailout bcc's"
Hi,
I didn't get a chance to write yesterday. In fact, none of
the people who submit stuff regularly wrote either. Must have been quite
a Monday all around. Today is a great photo of a reflection nebula. http://funandmagic.com/photolinks2.htm
Have a magic day and pass it on. Magic Mike http://funandmagic.com/magicjokeparlor.htm
One day, a little girl is sitting and watching her mother do the dishes at the kitchen sink. She suddenly notices that her mother has several strands of white hair sticking out in contrast on her brunette head. She looks at her mother and inquisitively asks, "Why are some of your hairs white, mom?" Her mother replied, "Well, every time that you do something wrong and make me cry or unhappy, one of my hairs turns white." The little girl thought about this revelation for a while, and then said, "Momma, how come *all* of grandma's hairs are white?"
