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"Since all phenomena, is a product of one's own mind,
empty of meaning, like a magician's illusion,
having nothing to do with good or bad, acceptance or rejection,
one might burst out in laughter." - Longchenpa,
13th century Tibetan monk.
Hi,
Here is a wonderful photo of Mount Hood at twilight, in Oregon.
It is 180 miles south of me. Climb in a plane and see it at http://funandmagic.com/photolinks2.htm
I am still trying to find a good photo of Mount Rainier. I am having a
hard time. Here is a quick joke and I am off to chat with a wonderful woman
in China.
Have a magic day and pass it on.
Magic Mike
http://funandmagic.com/magicjokeparlor.htm -
=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=
Bill and Marla had a small apartment in the city and they
decided that the only way to pull off a Sunday afternoon quickie with their
ten-year-old son in the apartment was to send him out on the balcony and
order him to report on all the neighborhood activities. To a young boy,
they thought, spying would be a lot of fun and would distract him for an
hour or so.
The boy began his commentary as his parents put their plan into operation. "There's a car being towed from the parking lot," he said. "An ambulance just drove by." A few moments passed. "Looks like the Andersons have company," he called out, "Matt's riding a new bike and the Coopers are having sex."
Mom and Dad shot up in bed. "How do you know that?" the startled father asked.
"Their kid is standing out on the balcony too," his son replied .
Subject: Collision, exercise, Barbie Date: Mon, 22 Feb 1999 10:44:56 -0800 From: Magic Mike B <mike Organization: http://funandmagic.com/ To: "MagicMailout bcc's" <"MagicMailout bcc's"Hi,
Today see what happens when galaxies collide. I bet the deductible
on the insurance is out of this world. http://funandmagic.com/photolinks2.htm
Here is your Web exercise site . http://www.zaxpax.com/exercise.htm Have
a magic day and pass it on! Magic Mike http://funandmagic.com/magicjokeparlor.htm
"Barbie Turns 40"
Yes, it's hard to believe, but in 1999 Barbie will turn 40, just in time to greet the new century. And they've been 40 full, rich years.
She began as a glamorous airline stewardess when she was introduced at Toy Fair in 1959. She soared into space as an astronaut in 1974, ran for president in 1992, and, in 1997, she bore disability bravely, folding her first-ever bending legs into a wheelchair to become a role model once again for a newly identified market.
In every incarnation, nationality, and skin tone, she's perfectly turned out, with accessories galore at her long slender fingertips. She's Every woman, she's the Cosmo Girl, she has it all. So, what will Mattel think of next as the company meets the challenge of Barbie Turning 40?
Why fight age? Why not capitalize on it in every way possible?
Here are some ideas Mattel might consider for a past 40 Barbie:
Bifocals Barbie. Comes with her own set of blended-lens fashion frames in six wild colors (half-frames too)!, neck chain and large-print editions of Vogue and Martha Stewart Living.
Hot Flash Barbie. Press Barbie's bellybutton and watch her face turn beet red while tiny drops of perspiration appear on her forehead! With handheld fan and tiny tissues.
Facial Hair Barbie. As Barbie's hormone levels shift, see her whiskers grow! Available with teensy tweezers and magnifying mirror.
Cook's Arms Barbie. Hide Barbie's droopy triceps with these new, roomier- sleeved gowns. Good news on the tummy front, too: muumuus are back! Cellulite cream and loofah sponge optional.
Bunion Barbie. Years of disco dancing in stiletto heels have definitely taken their toll on Barbie's dainty arched feet. Soothe her sores with this pumice stone and plasters, then slip on soft terry Mules. Colors: pink, rose, blush.
No More Wrinkles Barbie. Erase those pesky crow's-feet and lip lines with a tube of Skin Sparkle-Spackle, from Barbie's own line of exclusive age-blasting cosmetics.
Soccer Mom Barbie. All that experience as a cheerleader is really paying off as Barbie dusts off her old high school megaphone to root for Babs and Ken, Jr. With minivan in robin's egg blue or white, and cooler filled with doughnut holes and fruit punch.
Mid-life Crisis Barbie. It's time to ditch Ken. Barbie needs a change, and Bruce (her personal trainer) is just what the doctor ordered, along with Prozac. They're hopping in her new red Miata and heading for the Napa Valley to open a B&B. Comes with real tape of `Breaking Up Is Hard to Do.`
Single Mother Barbie. There's not much time for primping anymore! Ken's shacked up with the Swedish au pair in the Dream House and Barbie's across town with Babs and KenJr., in a fourth-floor walkup. Barbie's selling off her old gowns and accessories to raise rent money. Complete garage sale kit included.
Recovery Barbie. Too many parties have finally caught up with the ultimate party girl. Now she does 12 steps instead of dance steps! Clean and sober, she's going to meetings religiously. Comes with little copy of The Big Book and six-pack of Diet Coke.
Who knows when Barbie will have outlived her usefulness? From Dream House to Nursing Home (both new and improved _ wheelchair-accessible and retrofitted to conform to ADA code requirements), the possibilities (Not to mention the accessories) are endless.
-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=
-=-
Believe it or NOT!! Man Lies Dying in Car, Gets Parking Ticket
Reuters
TAMPA, Fla. - Police said they had ticketed a car parked at an expired meter in Tampa without noticing a man was dying inside after being bound and shot in the head. They said a parking meter officer noticed the man in the black BMW on Monday only after another officer had already ticketed the car, parked a block from city police headquarters. The man's hands and feet had been bound and he had been shot several times in the head, police said. He was taken to Tampa General Hospital in critical condition and died there on Tuesday. Police identified him as Robert Enlow, 69, of Naples, Florida. According to local news reports, he was a witness at an upcoming bank fraud trial. Police said they believed he had been shot elsewhere and driven to Tampa.
-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=
-=-
Man Who Stole Canoe Repents
.c The Associated Press
BRADGATE, Iowa - A man who stole a canoe 25 years ago repented on Easter weekend, sending a long-overdue $150 to pay for the pilfered boat. ''His timing was right,'' said Dale Wagner, 54, the owner of the canoe. ''And I've forgiven him.'' On April 13, the town's postmaster found an unaddressed letter with $150 cash in a mail box. The letter writer said he was a railroad brakeman passing through town when he stole the 17-foot fiberglass canoe from behind a house in 1973. ''I take no pride in what I did... but pray that in some small way I have righted the wrong I committed so many years ago,'' the letter said. ''Please use the money for the town unless someone can identify the person I stole the canoe from.'' Someone did recall the stolen canoe may have belonged to Wagner, whose description of the stolen canoe matched the one contained in the letter. Wagner said after his canoe was stolen a quarter century ago, he reported it to the sheriff and then bought a new one. ''I was really surprised. The way this happened was pretty neat,'' said Wagner. ''This thing restored my faith in human beings.''
Former Taxman Jailed for Tax Evasion
Reuters
SAN FRANCISCO - You think he'd have known better. Romeo
Gatmaitan, a onetime veteran officer with the Internal Revenue Service,
was sentenced to six months in a community correctional center Monday for
tax evasion. The U.S. Attorney's office said Gatmaitan, 49, was also told
to pay all back taxes owed for 1990, 1991 and 1992, complete 100 hours
of community service and pay a fine of $3,500. Gatmaitan was sentenced
for attempting to trick his fellow taxmen by claiming a $42,000 capital
gains deferral for selling his home when the property actually sold was
a rental property. He also was convicted of misstating his losses and income
on a schedule-C business. ''Gatmaitan no longer works at the IRS,'' the
U.S. Attorney's Office said in a statement on Tuesday. ****************************** ******************
Estranged Couple Shoot Each Other
.c The Associated Press
FRESNO, Calif. - An estranged couple drew guns and wounded each other after the husband was late for a marriage counseling session at a church. Michael Martin, clutching a beer in one hand, fired the first shot when his wife began to leave St. James Episcopal Cathedral on Wednesday, the Rev. Bud Searcy of New Creation Ministries said. Bleeding from a wound to her body, Bonnie Martin grabbed a gun from her purse and shot back, hitting her husband in the chin, Searcy said. Mrs. Martin collapsed after she followed her husband from the church. He fired again, striking her at least once more before his gun ran out of bullets, Searcy told police. ''It's a good thing that he had been drinking because he could have hit her more,'' Searcy said. ''He was a lousy shot.'' Both were in fair condition at University Medical Center. They were arrested and face attempted murder charges, Detective Mike Garcia said. +++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++
Man Dies After Toilet Explodes
BONN - A 32-year-old German man died from injuries suffered when a camping site toilet exploded after he tried to light up a cigarette, police in the western town of Montabaur said. ''A team of experts is investigating whether the cause of the explosion was a defective natural gas pipe or sewer gas from the drainage pit,'' said a police spokesman from Montabaur, a town 40 miles south of Bonn. ''The investigation is not yet complete.'' The explosion in the small outdoor shed at a camping site in the nearby village of Freilingen happened in the early hours of the morning on Thursday. The man was hurtled through a closed window by the explosion after he tried to use his cigarette lighter. He was taken to hospital suffering from burns. He died on Saturday, the police spokesman said.
=========================
====Airline Worker Stole 100,000 Cards
.c The Associated Press
ATLANTA - A former airline worker pleaded guilty Thursday
to opening as many as 100,000 greeting cards and stealing cash inside.
Thomas Lamonde, 40, an employee of Atlantic Southeast Airlines, admitted
that for nearly three years he stole mail in the hope of finding cash.
Lamonde's lawyer said he took the money to play the Georgia lottery, hoping
to pay expenses for two disabled children. Exactly how much money Lamonde
got is unknown. Officials said a conservative estimate was about $500,000.
Lamonde was caught when postal inspectors found a storage locker stuffed
with checks and money orders. Lamonde faces up to five years in federal
prison when he is sentenced July 15. ****************************** ******************
Woman Hid Cash in Wetsuit
NEWARK, New Jersey - The cash was stashed close to her body, but it was still found by U.S. Customs agents. A Colombian woman admitted in federal court Tuesday that she tried to conceal about $81,000 underneath a short wetsuit when she attempted to board a flight to Colombia from Newark International Airport on Dec. 12. Gladys Rodriguez DeRodriguez, 54, of Bogota, wore clothes over the wetsuit. DeRodriguez pleaded guilty to a single count of failing to report that she was carrying more than $10,000 in cash or other instruments, as required. The money was found during a pat-down search after she told inspectors she was only carrying $2,560 and then showed them a wallet holding $4,000, Customs said. The rest of the money was found under the wetsuit, including some 3,500 $20 bills, said Robert Cozzolina, associate special agent in charge of the Newark Customs office. As part of her plea bargain, DeRodriguez agreed to forfeit the money. She remains free on bond pending sentencing July 7 by U.S. District Judge Alfred J. Lechner Jr. She faces up to five years in prison, a $250,000 fine and restitution, but the actual penalties would be far less, under sentencing guidelines.
AP-NY-04-14-98 2233EDT
****************************** ******************
***
Man Robs 17 Nail Salons
NEW YORK - Here's a real nail-biter of a mystery: Where is the man who has robbed 17 nail salons of $3,000? Police hope to finger the bandit before he strikes again. The suspect brazenly clipped four nail salons within 40 minutes on March 2 and has robbed another salon twice. Once, he even got his nails trimmed before fleeing empty-handed. No one has been injured, though the soft-spoken, well-mannered man threatened employees with a knife in one robbery and a pair of scissors in another. In the other holdups, he has intimidated employees to make them turn over money or grabbed it from the register. His biggest take was $800, said Lt. Paul O'Connor, commanding officer of the Manhattan Robbery Squad. The neatly dressed bandit walks into a salon, usually in the afternoon, and apparently decides whether to strike if no other men are around. Why nail salons? ''All but one are on the second floor or in the basement area. They're not seen from the street,'' O'Connor said. ''And it works.''
Subject: thousands of hot blue stars, Date: Sun, 21 Feb 1999 11:57:43 -0800 From: Magic Mike B <mike Organization: http://funandmagic.com/ To: "MagicMailout bcc's" <"MagicMailout bcc's"Hi,
Today's photo is in the center of 30 Doradus. There lies
a huge cluster of the largest, hottest, most massive stars known. The center
of this cluster is known as R136. The gas and dust filling the rest of
the picture is predominantly ionized hydrogen from the emission nebula
30 Doradus. R136 is composed of thousands of hot blue stars, some about
50 times more massive than our Sun. 30 Doradus and R136 lie in the LMC
- a satellite galaxy to our own Milky Way Galaxy. Although the ages of
stars in R136 cause it to be best described as an open cluster, R136's
density will likely make it a low mass globular cluster in a few billion
years. http://funandmagic.com/photolinks2.htm
Have a magic day and pass it on.
Magic Mike http://funandmagic.com/
-=--=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=
YOUR DAILY MOTIVATION
Sunday, February 21, 1999
WHAT YOU THINK ABOUT YOU BECOME.
.- - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - -
------------------
Your thoughts can cause you to be rich or poor, loved or unloved, happy or unhappy, attractive or unattractive, powerful or weak.
It is a psychological law that whatever you desire to accomplish you must first impress upon your subconscious mind.
Relentless, repetitive self talk is what changes your self image. You can affect your subconscious mind with verbal repetition. You'll find this constant repetition carries conviction.
Anything that changes your values changes your behavior. You must begin to think of yourself as becoming the person you want to be. Self-suggestion makes you master of yourself.
What you conceive yourself to be, you become.
.- - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - -
.- - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - -
- 1999 Written by: Mentor2006@aol.com Subject: Rock and Tree Date: Sat, 20 Feb 1999 12:08:21 -0800 From: Magic Mike B <mike Organization: http://funandmagic.com/ To: "MagicMailout bcc's" <"MagicMailout bcc's"
Hi, Today's wallpaper photo is Rock and Tree from The Neopm Art Gallery. http://funandmagic.com/photolinks2.htm Jokes are slim so here is sosmething else. Have a magic day. Pass it on. Magic Mike parlor.htm Paint Brush
I keep my paint brush with me
Wherever I may go,
In case I need to cover up
So the real me doesn't show.
I'm so afraid to show you me,
Afraid of what you'll do - that
You might laugh or say mean things.
I'm afraid I might lose you.
I'd like to remove all my paint coats
To show you the real, true me,
But I want you to try and understand,
I need you to accept what you see.
So if you'll be patient and close your eyes,
I'll strip off all my coats real slow.
Please understand how much it hurts
To let the real me show.
Now my coats are all stripped off.
I feel naked, bare and cold,
And if you still love me with all that you see,
You are my friend, pure as gold.
I need to save my paint brush, though,
And hold it in my hand,
I want to keep it handy
In case someone doesn't understand.
So please protect me, my dear friend
And thanks for loving me true,
But please let me keep my paint brush with me
Until I love me, too.
-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=
BIG THINKING PRECEDES BIG ACHIEVEMENT.
.- - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - -
------------------
Have the courage to follow your dreams. They will lead you to your destiny and success.
High achievement always takes place in the framework of high expectation. In the long run, you'll always hit what you aim at. So why not aim high ?
If you don't have a dream, how are you going to make it come true ?
The empire of your future resides in your mind.
.- - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - -
.- - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - -
- 1999 Written by: Mentor2006@aol.com Subject: Neon, Chats, [Fwd: FARSIDE Date: Fri, 19 Feb 1999 13:08:10 -0800 From: Magic Mike B <mike Organization: http://funandmagic.com/ To: "MagicMailout bcc's" <"MagicMailout bcc's"
Hi, How is everybody doing today? TGIF ! Today, for a desktop wallpaper, were going back to the Neon Art Museum. Frida Blumenberg is today's artist. http://funandmagic.com/photolinks2.htm
I have met some really fun people in the last few days by using the random chat feature of ICQ. One night a group of five people called me up on a random chat. And I have a lot of fun talking with a wonderful woman in China who called my by random.
The the remind you again for those view that save photos or send photos, to be sure to use the program on my free utilities Page that reduces photos in memory size. The people you send to, will really appreciate it. And if you have a Web page, be sure to reduce your photos so your Page loads faster. http://funandmagic.com/FreeHelpfulUtilities.htm There are a bunch of new March and April links on the Links Page. http://funandmagic.com/links.html
Please feel free to forward my letters to your friends.Have a magic day, and pass it on. Magic Mike
http://funandmagic.com/
SIGNS YOU HAVE HAD TOO MUCH OF THE 90s
1. Your daughter sells Girl Scout cookies via her web site
2. When every commercial on television has a web site address at the bottom of the screen.
3. You cannot remember when the only choices you had in coffee were regular and decaf
4. You e-mail your son in his room to tell him that dinner is ready and he emails you back "What's for dinner."
5. You have a list of 15 phone numbers to reach your family of 3
6. You own a sport utility vehicle and you live where it doesn't even snow
7. You buy a computer and a week later it is out of date.
8. The concept of using real money, instead of credit or debit, to make a purchase is foreign to you.
9. You can't change your hairstyle until your favorite television personality does.
10. On Friday you know there are only two working days left until Monday.
11 You have to go back to the office to finish working
after your OWN holiday party.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
101 THINGS NOT TO SAY DURING SEX
1. But everybody looks funny naked! 2. You woke me up
for that? 3. Did I mention the video camera? 4. Do you smell something
burning? 5. (in a janitor's closet) And they say romance is dead... 6.
Try breathing through your nose. 7. A little rug burn never hurt anyone!
8. Is that a Medic-Alert Pendant? 9. Sweetheart, did you lock the back
door? 10. But whipped cream makes me break out. 11. Person 1: This is your
first time..right? Person 2: Yeah.. today 12. (in the No Tell Motel) Hurry
up! This room rents by the Hour! 13. Can you please pass me the remote
control? 14. Do you accept Visa? 15. ZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZ 16.
On second thought, let's turn off the lights. 17. And to think- I was really
trying to pick up your friend! 18. So much for mouth-to-mouth. 19. (using
body paint) Try not to leave any stains, okay? 20. Hope you're as good
looking when I'm sober... 21. (holding a banana) It's just a little trick
I learned at the zoo! 22. Do you get any premium movie channels? 23. Try
not to smear my make-up, will ya! 24. (preparing to use peanut butter sexually)
But I just steam-cleaned this couch! 25. Got any penicillin? 26. But I
just brushed my teeth... 27. Smile, you're on Candid Camera! 28. I thought
you had the keys to the handcuffs! 29. I want a baby! 30. So much for the
fulfillment of sexual fantasies! 31. (in a menage a trois) Why am I doing
all the work? 32. Maybe we should call Dr. Ruth... 33. Did you know the
ceiling needs painting? 34. I think you have it on backwards. 35. When
is this supposed to feel good? 36. Put that blender back in the kitchen
where it belongs! 37. You're good enough to do this for a living! 38. Is
that blood on the headboard? 39. Did I remember to take my pill? 40. Are
you sure I don't know you from somewhere? 41. I wish we got the Playboy
channel... 42. That leak better be from the waterbed! 43. I told you it
wouldn't work without batteries! 44. But my cat always sleeps on that pillow..
45. Did I tell you my Aunt Martha died in this bed? 46. If you quit smoking
you might have more endurance.. 47. No, really... I do this part better
myself! 48. It's nice being in bed with a woman I don't have to inflate!
49. This would be more fun with a few more people.. 50. You're almost as
good as my ex! 51. Do you know the definition of statutory rape? 52. Is
that you I smell or is it your mattress stuffed with rotten potatoes? 53.
You look younger than you feel. 54. Perhaps you're just out of practice.
55. You sweat more than a galloping stallion! 56. They're not cracker crumbs,
it's just a rash. 57. Now I know why he/she dumped you... 58. Does your
husband own a sawed-off shotgun? 59. You give me reason to conclude that
foreplay is overrated. 60. What tampon? 61. Have you ever considered liposuction?
62. And to think, I didn't even have to buy you dinner! 63. What are you
planning to make for breakfast? 64. I have a confession... 65. I was so
horny tonight I would have taken a duck home! 66. Are those real or am
I just behind the times? 67. Were you by any chance repressed as a child?
68. Is that a hanging sculpture? 69. You'll still vote for me, won't you?
70. Did I mention my transsexual operation? 71. I really hate women who
actually think sex means something! 72. Did you come yet, dear? 73. I'll
tell you who I'm fantasizing about if you tell me who you're fantasizing
about... 74. A good plastic surgeon can take care of that in no time! 75.
Does this count as a date? 76. Oprah Winfrey had a show about men like
you! 77. Hic! I need another beer for this please. 78. I think biting is
romantic- don't you? 79. You can cook, too right? 80. When would you like
to meet my parents? 81. Man: Maybe it would help if I thought about someone
I really like... 82. Have you seen "Fatal Attraction"? 83. Sorry
about the name tags, I'm not very good with names. 84. Don't mind me..
I always file my nails in bed. 85. (in a phone booth) Do you mind if I
make a few phone calls? 86. I hope I didn't forget to turn the gas oven
off. Do you have a light? 87. Don't worry, my dog's really friendly for
a Doberman. 88. Sorry but I don't do toes! 89. You could at least ACT like
you're enjoying it! 90. Petroleum jelly or no petroleum jelly, I said NO!
91. Keep it down, my mother is a light sleeper... 92. I'll bet you didn't
know I work for "The Enquirer". 93. So that's why they call you
Mr. Flash! 94. My old girlfriend used to do it a LOT longer! 95. Is this
a sin too? 96. I've slept with more women than Wilt Chamberlain! 97. Hey,
when is it going to be my friend's turn? 98. Long kisses clog my sinuses...
99. Please understand that I'm only doing this for a raise... 100. How
long do you plan to be "almost there"? 101. You mean you're NOT
my blind date?
-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=
-
If Dear Abby were male.... (Dream on guys)
Dear Abby:
Q: My husband to be still pines for his old girlfriends. I'm afraid he will not be faithful. A: A man's capacity to love is boundless. It has been proven to increase with the number of sexual partners. Thus, by having a few other women, your partner is really increasing his love for you. Best thing to do is to buy him a nice, expensive present, and cook him a nice meal and don't mention this aspect of his behavior.
Q: My husband has too many nights out with the boys. A: This is perfectly natural behavior - and it should be encouraged. The man is a hunter and he needs to prove his prowess with other men. Far from being pleasurable, a night out with the boys is a stressful affair, and to get back to you is a relief for your partner. Just look back at how emotional and happy the man is when he returns to his stable home. Best thing to do is to buy him a nice, expensive present, and cook him a nice meal and don't mention this aspect of his behavior.
Q: My husband wants to experience three-in-a-bed-sex with me and my sister. A: Your husband is clearly devoted to you. He cannot get enough of you, so he goes for the next best thing - your sister. Far from being an issue, this will bring all of the family together. Why not get some cousins involved? If you are still apprehensive, then let him go with your relatives, buy him a nice, expensive present, and cook him a nice meal and don't mention this aspect of his behavior.
Q: My husband continually asks me to perform oral sex with him. A: Do it. Sperm is not only great tasting, but has only 10 calories a spoonful. It is nutritious and helps you to keep your figure and gives a great glow to the skin. Interestingly, a man knows this. His offer to you to perform oral sex with him is totally selfless. Oral sex is extremely painful for a man. This shows he loves you. Best thing to do is to thank him, buy him a nice, expensive present, and cook him a nice meal.
Q: My husband doesn't know where my clitoris is. A: Your clitoris is of no concern to your husband. If you must mess with it, do it in your own time. To help with the family budget you may wish to video tape yourself while doing this, and to sell it on the Internet. To ease your selfish guilt, buy your man a nice expensive present, and cook him a delicious meal.
Q: My husband goes straight to sleep after making love we have no time to talk. A: Sex is an extremely difficult task for a man. Afterwards he needs rest. In fact, the more he loves you, the more hard work his love-making is, and the more rest he needs. Stop putting pressure on him. Buy him a nice, expensive present, and cook him a nice meal.
Q: My husband's efforts at lovemaking only last 30 seconds. A: Your husband loves you very much. He is so turned on by you that he cannot control himself. In fact, the shorter the 'effort' the more he loves you. Return this love by buying him a nice, expensive present, and cooking him a nice meal.
Q: My husband is uninterested in foreplay. A: Foreplay to a man is very hurtful. What it means is that you do not love your man as much as you should - he has to work a lot to get you in the mood. Abandon all wishes in this area, and make it up to him by buying a nice expensive present, and cooking a nice meal.
Q: My husband has never given me an orgasm. A: The female orgasm is a myth. It is fostered by militant, man-hating feminists and is a danger to the family unit. Don't mention it again to him and show your love to him by buying a nice expensive present ..and don't forget to cook him a delicious meal.
-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-==
Subject: IF
If you can start the day without caffeine, If you can
get going without pep pills, If you can always be cheerful, ignoring aches
& pains, If you can resist complaining and boring people with your
troubles, If you can eat the same food every day and be grateful for it,
If you can understand when your loved ones are too busy to give you any
time, If you can overlook it when those you love take it out on you when,
though no fault of yours, something goes wrong, If you can take criticism
and blame without resentment, If you can ignore a friends limited education
and never correct him/her, If you can resist treating a rich friend better
than a poor friend, If you can face the world without lies and deceit,
If you can conquer tension without medical help, If you can relax without
liquor, If you can sleep without the aid of drugs, If you can honestly
say that deep in your heart you have no prejudice against creed, color,
religion, or politics, Then, my friend, You are ALMOST as good as your
dog..
--=-=-=
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This is a compilation of actual student GCSE answers. (GCSE is the British High School passing exam for 16 year olds.)
1. Ancient Egypt was inhabited by mummies and they all wrote in hydraulics. They lived in the Sarah Dessert and traveled by Camelot. The climate of the Sahara is such that the inhabitants have to live elsewhere.
2. The Bible is full of interesting caricatures. In the first book of the Bible, Guinessis, Adam and Eve were created from an apple tree. One of their children, Cain, asked, "Am I my brother's son?"
3. Moses led the Hebrew slaves to the Red Sea, where they made unleavened bread which is bread made without any ingredients. Moses went up on Mount Cyanide to get the ten commandments. He died before he ever reached Canada.
4. Solomon had three hundred wives and seven hundred porcupines.
5. The Greeks were a highly sculptured people, and without them we wouldn't have history. The Greeks also had myths. A myth is a female moth.
6. Actually, Homer was not written by Homer but by another man of that name.
7. Socrates was a famous Greek teacher who went around giving people advice. They killed him. Socrates died from an overdose of wedlock. After his death, his career suffered a dramatic decline.
8. In the Olympic games, Greeks ran races, jumped, hurled the biscuits, and threw the Java.
9. Eventually, the Romans conquered the Greeks. History calls people Romans because they never stayed in one place for very long.
10. Julius Caesar extinguished himself on the battlefields of Gaul. The Ides of March murdered him because they thought he was going to be made king. Dying, he gasped out: "Tee hee, Brutus."
11. Nero was a cruel tyranny who would torture his subjects by playing the fiddle to them.
12. Joan of Arc was burnt to a steak and was canonized by Bernard Shaw. Finally Magna Carta provided that no man should be hanged twice for the same offense.
13. In midevil times most people were alliterate. The greatest writer of the futile ages was Chaucer, who wrote many poems and verses and also wrote literature.
14. Another story was William Tell, who shot an arrow through an apple while standing on his son's head.
15. Queen Elizabeth was the "Virgin Queen," As a queen she was a success. When she exposed herself before her troops they all shouted "hurrah."
16. It was an age of great inventions and discoveries. Gutenberg invented removable type and the Bible. Another important invention was the circulation of blood. Sir Walter Raleigh is a historical figure because he invented cigarettes and started smoking. And Sir Francis Drake circumcised the world with a 100 foot clipper.
17. The greatest writer of the Renaissance was William Shakespeare. He was born in the year 1564, supposedly on his birthday. He never made much money and is famous only because of his plays. He wrote tragedies, comedies, and hysterectomies, all in Islamic pentameter. Romeo and Juliet are an example of a heroic couplet. Romeo's last wish was to be laid by Juliet.
18. Writing at the same time as Shakespeare was Miguel Cervantes. He wrote Donkey Hote. The next great author was John Milton. Milton wrote Paradise Lost. Then his wife died and he wrote Paradise Regained.
19. During the Renaissance America began. Christopher Columbus was a great navigator who discovered America while cursing about the Atlantic. His ships were called the Nina, the Pinta, and the Santa Fe.
20. Later, the Pilgrims crossed the ocean, and this was called Pilgrim's Progress. The winter of 1620 was a hard one for the settlers. Many people died and many babies were born. Captain John Smith was responsible for all this.
21. One of the causes of the Revolutionary War was the English put tacks in their tea. Also, the colonists would send their parcels through the post without stamps. Finally the colonists won the War and no longer had to pay for taxis. Delegates from the original 13 states formed the Contented Congress. Thomas Jefferson, a Virgin, and Benjamin Franklin were two singers of the Declaration of Independence. Franklin discovered electricity by rubbing two cats backwards and declared, "A horse divided against itself cannot stand." Franklin died in 1790 and is still dead.
22. Soon the Constitution of the United States was adopted to secure domestic hostility. Under the constitution the people enjoyed the right to keep bare arms.
23. Abraham Lincoln became America's greatest Precedent. Lincoln's mother died in infancy, and he was born in a log cabin which he built with his own hands. Abraham Lincoln freed the slaves by signing the Emasculation Proclamation. On the night of April 14, 1865, Lincoln went to the theatre and got shot in his seat by one of the actors in a moving picture show. The believed assinator was John Wilkes Booth, a supposedly insane actor. This ruined Booth's career.
24. Meanwhile in Europe, the enlightenment was a reasonable time. Voltaire invented electricity and also wrote a book called Candy.
25. Gravity was invented by Issac Walton. It is chiefly noticeable in the autumn when the apples are falling off the trees.
26. Johann Bach wrote a great many musical compositions and had a large number of children. In between he practised on an old spinster which he kept up in his attic. Bach died from 1750 to the present. Bach was the most famous composer in the world and so was Handel. Handel was half German half Italian and half English. He was very large.
27. Beethoven wrote music even though he was deaf. He was so deaf he wrote loud music. He took long walks in the forest even when everyone was calling for him. Beethoven expired in 1827 and later died for this.
28. The French Revolution was accomplished before it happened and catapulted into Napoleon. Napoleon wanted an heir to inherit his power, but since Josephine was a baroness, she couldn't have any children.
29. The sun never set on the British Empire because the British Empire's in the East and the sun sets in the West.
30. Queen Victoria was the longest queen. She sat on a thorn for 63 years. She was a moral woman who practised virtue. Her death was the final event which ended her reign.
31. The nineteenth century was a time of a great many thoughts inventions. People stopped reproducing by hand and started reproducing by machine. The invention of the steamboat caused a network of rivers to spring up. Cyrus McCormick invented the McCormick raper, which did the work of a hundred men.
32. Louis Pasteur discovered a cure for rabbis. Charles Darwin was a naturalist who wrote the Organ of the Species. Madman Curie discovered radio. And Karl Marx became one of the Marx brothers.
33. The First World War, caused by the assignation of the Arch-Duck by an anahist, ushered in a new error in the anals of human history.
Subject: Neon art, crossbred dogs Date: Thu, 18 Feb 1999 09:57:58 -0800 From: Magic Mike B <mike Organization: http://funandmagic.com/ To: "MagicMailout bcc's" <"MagicMailout bcc's"Hi,
I spent hours last night chatting with, Red Morning Light
of Dawn, a woman from China. Technology is bringing the world together
fast. Here is some neon art for your desktop today from The Neon Art GAllery.
http://funandmagic.com/photolinks2.htm Gotta run, have a magic day and pass
it on!
Magic Mike
http://funandmagic.com/
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Crossbred dogs: Bull Terrier x Shitzu = Bullshitz, a gregarious
but unreliable breed
Pointer X Setter = Poinsetter, a traditional Christmas pet
Kerry Blue Terrier X Skye Terrier = Blue Skye, a dog for visionaries
Great Pyrenees X Dachshund = Pyradachs, a puzzling breed
Pekingnese X Lhasa Apso = Peekasso, an abstract dog
Cocker Spaniel x Rottweiller = Cockrot, the perfect puppy for that philandering ex-husband
Irish Water Spaniel X English Springer Spaniel = Irish Springer, a dog fresh and clean as a whistle
Labrador Retriever X Curly Coated Retriever = Lab Coat Retriever, the choice of research scientists
Newfoundland X Basset Hound = Newfound Asset Hound, a dog for financial advisors
Terrier X Bulldog = Terribull, a dog that makes awful mistakes
Bloodhound X Labrador = blabador, a dog that barks incessantly
Malamute X Pointer = Moot Point, owned by....oh, well, it doesn't matter anyway
Collie X Malamute = Commute, a dog that travels to work
Deerhound X Terrier = Derriere, a dog that's true to the end
-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=
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<A HREF="http://www.pressanykey.com/cgi-bin/cgiwrap/pak/magicmirror.pl"Magic
Mirror </A -
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YOUR DAILY MOTIVATION
Wednesday, February 17, 1999
YOU MUST HAVE A DREAM TO MAKE IT COME TRUE.
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Advance with confidence in the direction of your dreams, and try to live the life you imagine, and you will meet with success.
The only way to discover the limits of what is possible for you is to go beyond those limits into the impossible.
Far away there in the sunshine are your highest aspirations. Believe that you can reach them, look up and see their beauty, believe in them, and follow where they lead.
You are the one who can stretch your own horizon. You
can live your dreams.
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1999 Written by: Mentor2006@aol.com - Subject: the usual great garbage Date: Wed, 17 Feb 1999 00:51:18 -0800 From: Magic Mike B <mike Organization: http://funandmagic.com/ To: "MagicMailout bcc's" <"MagicMailout bcc's"
Q. How do you identify a bald eagle?
A. All his feathers are combed over to one side.
Hi,
You might notice there have been a few mistakes over less couple days in my letters (not that there always perfect... He he he). For the last two days, including today's mailer, I'm using Dragon NaturallySpeaking writing this by microphone. I'm getting a better hang of it.
Today's wallpaper picture for your desktop is amazing group of galaxies called Hixson compact group 40. It is a new picture from the new Subaru telescope. See it at the photo links Page. http://funandmagic.com/photolinks2.htm
There are new recipes on the recipe Page http://funandmagic.com/Recipes.html , new links in the links Page http://funandmagic.com/links.html , a new wav on the wav Page http://funandmagic.com/coolsoundswavs.html . The new wave is Bugs Bunny saying, "wow a letter for me". . You can make this the sound you hear whenever you get mail. Go to settings/control panel/sound and look for the mail notification sound. Choose browse and select the letter for bugs file as that sound effect. You can use the same process to change any sound effect in Windows.
Here's two cool links. http://members.aol.com/wjbgrafx/Confections/mandala.html http://members.aol.com/JohnBravo7/heyyou.html
Have a magic day and pass it on!
Magic Mike
http://funandmagic.com/
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Hearts and roses and kisses galore..... What the hell
is all that shit for? People get mushy and start acting queer It is definitely
the most annoying day of the year This day needs to get the hell over with
and pass Before I show a dozen roses up Cupid's ass I'll spend the day
so drunk I can't speak And wear all black for the rest of the week Guys
act all sweet but it soon will fade For all they are doing is trying to
get laid The arrow Cupid shot at me must not have hit Because I think love
is a crock of shit So here's my story....what else can I say Love bites
my ass...Fck Valentine's Day!!
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Wisdom is knowing when to speak your mind and when to mind
your speech.
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Most of man's troubles stem from too much time on his hands and not enough on his knees.
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Honesty pays, but not enough for some people.
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Experience teaches us that there is a small but important difference between keeping your chin up and sticking your neck out.
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Caution: Do not ask for advice, you might get it.
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A lot of trouble in this world is caused by combining a narrow mind with a wide mouth.
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The trouble with being punctual is that no one notices it when you are.
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A family man is one who replaces the money in his wallet with snapshots of the wife and kids.
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The person who toots his own horn has everyone running to get out of the way.
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The man who knows how, will always find a place in life, but the man who knows why, will probably be his boss.
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Some people hold the key to the situation, and then are too lazy to turn it.
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The best way to remember your wife's birthday is to forget it once.
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A successful man is one who can earn more money than his
family can spend.
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The peak years of mental activity are between the ages of four and eighteen. At four they know all the questions, at eighteen they know all the answers.
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The mind is a scheme engine.
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The trouble with these smart, modern children is that
they don't smart enough in the right places.
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He who laughs last probably intended to tell the story himself.
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The early fish gets hooked for the same thing the early bird gets credit for.
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There is nothing remarkable about love at first sight. It's when people have been looking at each other for years that it becomes remarkable.
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The difference between a rut and a grave is their dimensions.
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Prayer is a time exposure of the soul to God.
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There is just as much horse sense as ever, but it seems like the horses have it all.
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Love is oceans of emotions surrounded by expanses of expenses
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Luck is a lazy person's estimate of a worker's success.
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Death is more universal than life; everyone dies but not everyone lives.
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A lot of people are smarter than they look, . . .and they ought to be.
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No one is as busy as the person who has nothing to do.
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Say what you will about the devil, ...he's a hustler.
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Get to know your neighbors ; you might just like them.
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Who cares... 50,000 of the cells in your body will die and
be replaced with new cells, all while you have been reading this sentence!
In one hour, your heart works hard enough to produce the equivalent energy to raise almost 1 ton of weight 1 yard off the ground.
Scientists have counted over 500 different liver functions.
The structural plan of a whale's, a dog's, a bird's and a man's 'arm' are exactly the same.
The world`s first test-tube twins were born in June 1981.
Each square inch of human skin consists of twenty feet of blood vessels.
Nerve impulses to and from the brain travel as fast as 170 miles per hour.
Your stomach has to produce a new layer of mucus every two weeks otherwise it will digest itself.
Your left lung is smaller than your right lung to make room for your heart.
Every two thousand frowns creates one wrinkle.
The average human blinks his eyes 6,205,000 times each year.
The average human produces a quart of saliva a day or 10,000 gallons in a lifetime.
Every person has a unique tongue print.
You burn 26 calories in a one minute kiss.
Among the first known "dentists" of the world were the Etruscans. In 700 BC they carved false teeth from the teeth of various mammals and produced partial bridgework good enough to eat with. Ophthalmic surgery was one of the most advanced areas of medicine in the ancient world. Detailed descriptions of delicate cataract surgery with sophisticated needle syringes is contained in the medical writings of Celsus (A.D. 14-37)
A sneeze zooms out of your mouth at over 100 m.p.h.
If you were freeze-dried, 10% of your body weight would be from the microorganisms on your body.
Your ears and nose continue to grow throughout your entire life.
When you eat meat and drink milk in the same meal, your body does not absorb any of the milk's calcium. It is best to have 2 hours between the milk and meat intake.
Only humans and horses have hymens.
The tooth is the only part of the human body that can't repair itself.
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Let's say a guy named Roger is attracted to a woman named Elaine. He asks her out to a movie; she accepts; they have a pretty good time. A few nights later he asks her out to dinner, and again they enjoy themselves. They continue to see each other regularly, and after a while neither one of them is seeing anybody else.
And then, one evening when they're driving home, a thought occurs to Elaine, and, without really thinking, she says it aloud: ''Do you realize that, as of tonight, we've been seeing each other for exactly six months?''
And then there is silence in the car.
To Elaine, it seems like a very Loud silence. She thinks to herself: "Geez, I wonder if it bothers him that I said that. Maybe he's been feeling confined by our relationship; maybe he thinks I'm trying to push him into some kind of obligation that he doesn't want, or isn't sure of."
And Roger is thinking: "Gosh. Six months."
And Elaine is thinking: "But, hey, I'm not so sure I want this kind of relationship, either. Sometimes I wish I had a little more space, so I'd have time to think about whether I really want us to keep going the way we are, moving steadily toward . . . I mean, where are we going? Are we just going to keep seeing each other at this level of intimacy? Are we heading toward marriage? Toward children? Toward a lifetime together? Am I ready for that level of commitment? Do I really even know this person?"
And Roger is thinking: ". . . so that means it was . . . let's see . . . February when we started going out, which was right after I had the car At the dealer's, which means . . . lemme check the odometer . . . Whoa! I am way overdue for an oil change here."
And Elaine is thinking: " He's upset. I can see it on his face. Maybe I'm reading this completely wrong. Maybe he wants more from our relationship, more intimacy, more commitment; maybe he has sensed --even before I sensed it -- that I was feeling some reservations. Yes, I bet that's it. That's why he's so reluctant to say anything about his own feelings. He's afraid of being rejected."
And Roger is thinking: "And I'm gonna have them look at the transmission again. I don't care what those morons say, it's still not shifting right. And they better not try to blame it on the cold weather this time. What cold weather? It's 87 degrees out, and this thing is shifting like a garbage truck, and I paid those incompetent thieves $600."
And Elaine is thinking: "He's angry. And I don't blame him. I'd be angry, too. I feel so guilty, putting him through this, but I can't help the way I feel. I'm just not sure."
And Roger is thinking: "They'll probably say it's only a 90-day warranty. That's exactly what they're gonna say, the scumballs."
And Elaine is thinking: "Maybe I'm just too idealistic, waiting for a knight to come riding up on his white horse, when I'm sitting right next to a perfectly good person, a person I enjoy being with, a person I truly do care about, a person who seems to truly care about me. A person who is in pain because of my self-centered, schoolgirl romantic fantasy."
And Roger is thinking: "Warranty? They want a warranty? I'll give them A darn warranty. I'll take their warranty and .."
''Roger,'' Elaine says aloud.
''What?'' says Roger, startled.
''Please don't torture yourself like this,'' she says, her eyes beginning to brim with tears. ''Maybe I should never have . . . I feel so ?.. . '' (She breaks down, sobbing.)
''What?'' says Roger.
''I'm such a fool,'' Elaine sobs. ''I mean, I know there's no knight. I really know that. It's silly. There's no knight, and there's no horse.''
''There's no horse?'' says Roger.
''You think I'm a fool, don't you?'' Elaine says.
''No!'' says Roger, glad to finally know the correct answer.
''It's just that . . . It's that I . . . I need some time,'' Elaine says.
(There is a 15-second pause while Roger, thinking as fast as he can, tries to come up with a safe response. Finally he comes up with one that he thinks might work.)
''Yes,'' he says.
(Elaine, deeply moved, touches his hand.)
''Oh, Roger, do you really feel that way?'' she says.
"'What way?'' says Roger.
''That way about time,'' says Elaine.
''Oh,'' says Roger. ''Yes.''
(Elaine turns to face him and gazes deeply into his eyes, causing him to become very nervous about what she might say next, especially if it involves a horse. At last she speaks.)
''Thank you, Roger,'' she says.
''Thank you,'' says Roger.
Then he takes her home, and she lies on her bed, a conflicted, tortured soul, and weeps until dawn, whereas when Roger gets back to his place, he opens a bag of Doritos, turns on the TV, and immediately becomes deeply involved in a rerun of a tennis match between two Czechoslovakians he never heard of. A tiny voice in the far recesses of his mind tells him that something major was going on back there in the car, but he is pretty sure there is no way he would ever understand what, and so he figures it's better if he doesn't think about it.
The next day Elaine will call her closest friend, or perhaps two of them, and they will talk about this situation for six straight hours. In painstaking detail, they will analyze everything she said and everything he said, going over it time and time again, exploring every word, expression, and gesture for nuances of meaning, considering every possible ramification. They will continue to discuss this subject, off and on, for weeks, maybe months, never reaching any definite conclusions, but never getting bored with it, either.
Meanwhile, Roger, while playing racquetball one day with a mutual friend of his and Elaine's, will pause just before serving, frown, and say: ''Norm, did Elaine ever own a horse?''
Subject: Neon, cats, Bart Date: Tue, 16 Feb 1999 10:48:06 -0800 From: Magic Mike B <mike Organization: http://funandmagic.com/ To: "MagicMailout bcc's" <"MagicMailout bcc's"Hello,
How is everybody doing today? Yesterday was Presidents' Day, am I'm sure everyone was wondering how President Bill is going to fair the test of Time in history books. He certainly he has been of phenomena. Well he is no Jack Kennedy. And she, is no Marilyn Monroe.
Today's picture for your desktop is a neon art by Matt Dilling. Neon is used to convey information. The information here is "Feel". Charge up your neon at the photo links Page http://funandmagic.com/photolinks2.htm .
Here is a link for all you cat lovers. I had four remarkable cats that were all half Siamese and half blue Russian. They were all named Rush. Cat No. 2 played fetch and put out a candle while we watched. He jumped out of the car while we had lunch, in Gerry IN on my move West and we couldn't find him. Rush No. 3 was born on Halloween. He hiked with me on mountain trails in Utah and Colorado. I was camped at Red Feather Lakes for a month and one Sunday he disappeared. I think a fox or bird got him. Rush No. 4 had six toes and ate grapes. http://members.aol.com/autmnleave/Cats/Page1.htm . Have a magic day and pass it on! Magic Mike http://funandmagic.com/
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-=
If you've ever noticed, when Bart Simpson is writing something 100,000 times on the chalkboard as a punishment in the opening sequence of the Simpsons, he is always writing something different -- and often quite hilarious. These are the collected writings of Bart Simpson from the chalkboard exercises during the opening credits.
I will not carve gods. I will not spank others. I will not aim for the head. I will not barf unless I'm sick. I will not expose the ignorance of the faculty. I saw nothing unusual in the teacher's lounge. I will not conduct my own fire drills. Funny noises are not funny. I will not snap bras. I will not fake seizures.
This punishment is not boring and pointless. My name is not Dr. Death. I will not defame New Orleans. I will not prescribe medication. I will not bury the new kid. I will not teach others to fly. I will not bring sheep to class. A burp is not an answer. Teacher is not a leper. Coffee is not for kids.
I will not eat things for money. I will not yell "She's Dead" at roll call. The principal's toupee is not a Frisbee. I will not call the principal "spud head." Goldfish don't bounce. Mud is not one of the 4 food groups. No one is interested in my underpants. I will not sell miracle cures. I will return the seeing-eye dog. I do not have diplomatic immunity.
I will not charge admission to the bathroom. I will never win an emmy. The cafeteria deep fryer is not a toy. All work and no play makes Bart a dull boy. I will not say "Springfield" just to get applause. I am not authorized to fire substitute teachers. My homework was not stolen by a one-armed man. I will not go near the kindergarten turtle. I am not deliciously saucy.
Organ transplants are best left to professionals. The Pledge of Allegiance does not end with "Hail Satan." I will not celebrate meaningless milestones. There are plenty of businesses like show business. I will not retransmit without the express permission of Major League Baseball. Five days is not too long to wait for a gun. I will not waste chalk.
I will not skateboard in the halls. I will not instigate revolution. I will not draw naked ladies in class. I did not see Elvis. I will not call my teacher "Hot Cakes." Garlic gum is not funny. They are laughing at me, not with me. I will not yell "Fire" in a crowded classroom. I will not encourage others to fly. I will not fake my way through life.
Tar is not a plaything. I will not Xerox my butt. It's potato, not potatoe. I will not trade pants with others. I am not a 32 year old woman. I will not do that thing with my tongue. I will not drive the principal's car. I will not pledge allegiance to Bart. I will not sell school property. I will not burp in class.
I will not cut corners. I will not get very far with this attitude. I will not belch the National Anthem. I will not sell land in Florida. I will not grease the monkey bars. I will not hide behind the Fifth Amendment. I will not do anything bad ever again. I will not show off. I will not sleep through my education. I am not a dentist.
Spitwads are not free speech. Nobody likes sunburn slappers. High explosives and school don't mix. I will not bribe Principal Skinner. I will not squeak chalk. I will finish what I sta "Bart Bucks" are not legal tender. Underwear should be worn on the inside. The Christmas Pageant does not stink. I will not torment the emotionally frail.-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=--=
My grandmother lives in Hermanus. Recently, a friend of hers, a woman about 55 years old, was out shopping. When she returned to her car, there were 6 black men sitting in it. Being the kind of feisty woman who packs a
gun for emergencies, she whipped it out and yelled, "I know how to use it, and I'm quite prepared to. Get out!!!"
The men almost shat themselves, and bailed.
The woman then got into the car, and to her confusion, the key wouldn't fit in the ignition. Wrong car. Not hers. Oops.
Realizing her little faux pas, she thought she better report her mistake at the Police Station. Which she did. When she told the officer on duty the story, he wet himself laughing. And when he could speak again, he pointed at the 6 terrified black men sitting at the other end of the room.
Six men who'd just reported being hijacked by an elderly
white lady.
-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=
-=-=-=-
A man was walking in the street when he heard a voice: "Stop! Stand still! If you take one more step, a brick will fall down on your head and kill you." The man stopped and a big brick fell right in front of him. The man was astonished. He went on, and after awhile he was going to cross the road. Once again the voice shouted: "Stop! Stand still! If you take one more step a car will run over you and you will die." The man did as he was instructed, just as a car came careening around the corner, barely missing him. "Where are you?" the man asked. "Who are you?" "I am your guardian angel," the voice answered. "Oh yeah?" the man asked... "And where the hell were you when I got married?"
A man goes into a pet shop and tells the owner that he wants to buy a pet that can do everything. The shop owner suggests a faithful dog.
The man replies, "Come on, a dog?" The owner says, "How about a cat?"
The man replies, "No way! A cat certainly can't do everything. I want a pet that can do everything!"
The shop owner thinks for a minute, then says, "I've got it! A centipede!"
The man says, "A centipede? I can't imagine a centipede doing everything, but okay... I'll try a centipede."
He gets the centipede home and says to the centipede, "Clean the kitchen." Thirty minutes later, he walks into the kitchen and... it's immaculate! All the dishes and silverware have been washed, dried, and put away; the counter-tops cleaned; the appliances sparkling; the floor waxed. He's absolutely amazed.
He says to the centipede, "Go clean the living room." Twenty minutes later, he walks into the living room. The carpet has been vacuumed; the furniture cleaned and dusted; the pillows on the sofa plumped; plants watered.
The man thinks to himself, "This is the most amazing thing I've ever seen. This really is a pet that can do everything!"
Next he says to the centipede, "Run down to the corner and get me a newspaper."
The centipede walks out the door. 10 minutes later... no centipede. 20 minutes later... no centipede. 30 minutes later... no centipede.
By this point the man is wondering what's going on. The centipede should have been back in a couple of minutes. 45 minutes later... still no centipede!
He can't imagine what could have happened. Did the centipede run away? Did it get run over by a car? Where is that centipede?
So he goes to the front door, opens it ... and there's the centipede sitting right outside.
The man says, "Hey!!! I sent you down to the corner store 45 minutes ago to get me a newspaper. What's the matter?!"
The centipede says, "I'm goin'! I'm goin'! I'm just puttin' on my shoes!"
Subject: dragon natural speaking, boobs, bombeck (last message had delivery problems) Date: Mon, 15 Feb 1999 03:36:25 -0800 From: Magic Mike B <Mike Organization: http://funandmagic.com/ To: "MagicMailout bcc's" <"MagicMailout bcc's"Hello,
I am writing this letter with my new Dragon natural speaking.
I am not touching the keyboard, and so far this program has spelled and
written mostly everything. All I have done, is speaking a natural sense
into this microphone.him. I am using it for typing, but am also using it
to say controls out loud, and choose which menu choices I wish to click
on by saying click on. In supposedly, it I get that hang of this I should
be able to write a fair amount without having to type anything but say
it loud. Today's photo link, is a giant sea turtle, looking like a bird
as it "flies" through water. See it at http://funandmagic.com/photolinks2.htm
.
Let me all remind you, of the new program that is on my free utilities Page. It is called photo impact smart saver and it will allow you to reduce any images that are taking up too much memory. One important thing to know when using it is that there are two versions on it. Look for the place to choose between GIF and JPEG.can The JPEG version has a slider that will let you control the size. If you have a Web page it's unheard of the you make your pictures the smallest possible so your Page Lowe's faster. If your saving the slide show pictures, he might one uses to reduce some of the big ones in size. You get to the free until these Page by clicking on a link on the photo links Page.
Well, hopeful of the a little better at this. 98 percent of this letter not including the jokes and below, were done hands free using Dragon. and amazing thing about it is that it is more accurate if you say a complete sentence. I am not giving it four stars rating yet. I think I need is much training as the computer does. Have a magic day and pass it on. Magic Mike parlor.htm And God created woman and she had 3 breasts. He then asked the woman, "Is there anything you'd like to have changed?" She replied, "Yes, could you get rid of this middle breast?" And so it was done, and it was good. Then the woman exclaimed as she was holding that third breast in her hand, "What can be done with this useless boob?"
And God created man.
-=-=-=-=-=-=--=
Speaking of boobs.... Jerry Falwell
LOS ANGELES (Reuters) - Take heart, Tinky Winky. The city of West Hollywood is here to defend your honor.
The mayor of this small, gay-friendly Los Angeles suburb on Thursday called ``outrageous'' charges by religious leader Rev. Jerry Falwell that the big purple Teletubby was gay, saying that children everywhere would have their hearts crushed by the controversy Falwell had sparked.
Falwell, writing in his monthly magazine ``National Liberty Journal'' said Tinky Winky, who speaks in a boy's voice but is otherwise androgynous, has been seen carrying a red purse.
Falwell also noted that Tinky Winky is purple -- the gay pride color -- and has an antenna on his head in the shape of a triangle -- the gay pride symbol -- and warned parents to be alert to subtle messages from the show.
West Hollywood Mayor Steve Martin, whose city boasts the nation's only majority-gay city council, called Falwell's remarks ``irrational,'' and stood by Tinky Winky.
``Jerry Falwell has single-handedly crushed the hearts of many children by viciously casting Tinky Winky into a sexual controversy,'' he said. ``It's embarrassing that Falwell is so obsessed with gay issues that he forced the discussion of Tinky Winky's sexuality upon parents and their children.''
Martin also took umbrage at what he said was an unfair attack by Falwell on the fictional character.
``We are offended by his preoccupation with sexual orientation and his outrageous attack of Tinky Winky,'' Martin said. ``Now, every purple children's character may be a victim of his vicious hate.''
``Watch out, Barney, he may be coming after you next!'' he said.
Laurie Fry, a spokesman for PBS, where Tinky Winky appears with his four
friends La La, Po and Dipsy Wipsy, has said that the Teletubbies are toddlers and are not intended to have sexual orientations of any kind.
She said the purse is actually a magic bag.
Falwell was not the first to speculate on Tinky Winky's sexual orientation. The gay magazine Out has previously made mention of his possible homosexuality.
And Falwell pointed out in his magazine that the character had been pictured with lesbian actress Ellen DeGeneres in the Washington Post's annual list of ``What's in and What's Out.''
Reuters/Variety
WOW!
----=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=
IF I HAD MY LIFE TO LIVE OVER by Erma Bombeck I would have
talked less and listened more. I would have invited friends over to dinner
even if the carpet was stained and the sofa faded. I would have eaten the
popcorn in the 'good' living room and worried much less about the dirt
when someone wanted to light a fire in the fireplace. I would have taken
the time to listen to my grandfather ramble about his youth. I would never
have insisted the car windows be rolled up on a summer day because my hair
had just been teased and sprayed. I would have burned the pink candle sculpted
like a rose before it melted in storage. I would have sat on the lawn with
my children and not worried about grass stains. I would have cried and
laughed less while watching television - and more while watching life.
would have shared more of the responsibility carried by my husband. I would
have gone to bed when I was sick instead of pretending the earth would
go into a holding pattern if I weren't there for the day. I would never
have bought anything just because it was practical, wouldn't show soil
or was guaranteed to last a lifetime. Instead of wishing away nine months
of pregnancy, I'd have cherished every moment and realized that the wonderment
growing inside me was the only chance in life to assist God in a miracle.
When my kids kissed me impetuously, I would never have said, "Later.
Now go get washed up for dinner." There would have been more "I
love yous".. more "I'm sorrys"... but mostly, given another
shot at life, I would seize every minute...look at it and really see it...
live it...and never give it back. --In memory of Erma Bombeck who lost
her fight with cancer.
Hi,
Here is a new form to explore, neon art. This is a mixed
media shot of neon at sunrise that is called, "Authorities Are Baffled",
by Vince Koloski, neon art, Neon Art Gallery. http://funandmagic.com/photolinks2.htm
. And I'll be back there with a neon tour. The President has been acquitted.
So also has the planet Pluto, which almost lost it's status as a planet,
because it is smaller than some moons. A vote on censure might be upcoming,
and no one has ruled out further possibilities of demotion.
Have a magic day and pass it on!
Magic Mike
http://funandmagic.com/
-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=--=-=
You may wish to delay reading this until you have more free
time.
PROCRASTINATOR'S CREED
1. I believe that if anything is worth doing, it would have been done already. 2. I shall never move quickly, except to avoid more work or find excuses. 3. I will never rush into a job without a lifetime of consideration. 4. I shall meet all of my deadlines directly in proportion to the amount of bodily injury I could expect to receive from missing them. 5. I firmly believe that tomorrow holds the possibility for new technologies, astounding discoveries, and a reprieve from my obligations. 6. I truly believe that all deadlines are unreasonable regardless of the amount of time given.
7. If at first I don't succeed, there is always next year. 8. I shall always decide not to decide, unless of course I decide to change my mind.
9. I shall always begin, start, initiate, take the first step, and/or write the first word, when I get around to it.
10. I will never put off tomorrow, what I can forget about
forever.
-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=
Q: What's the difference between a blonde and a redhead in
bed? A: A blonde let's you leave the bed when you are satisfied- a redhead
let's you leave the bed when SHE is satisfied.
.- - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - -
---Q: What does an accountant use for birth control?A: His personality.
-=--=-=-=--=-=--=-=-
Two atoms are walking down the street and they run in to each other. One says to the other, "Are you all right?" "No, I lost an electron!" "Are you sure?" "Yeah, I'm positive!"--=-=-=-=-=-=
****************************** ******************
***The married couple was enjoying a dinner out when a statuesque blonde walked over to their table, exchanged warm greetings with the husband and walked off. "Who was that?" the wife demanded.
"If you must know," he coolly replied, "that was my mistress." "Your mistress? I want a divorce!"
"Are you sure you want to give up a big house in the suburbs, a Mercedes, furs, jewelry, and a vacation home in Mexico?" They continued dining in silence. Finally, the woman nudged her husband and said,
"Isn't that Howard over there? Who's he with?"
"That's his mistress," her husband replied. "Oh," she said, taking a bite of dessert. "Ours is cuter."
Hi,
I'm writing late today. I just decided to take the day off.
I didn't even log on until 6pm. Here is a pic of New Zealand for your desktop
wallpaper in all 3 sizes. http://funandmagic.com/photolinks2.htm I picked up
some new newspaper clients for my sales training tapes. Hello Spokane,
Washington; Bountiful, Utah, and Spring Grove, Illinois! These tapes teaching
how to close and handle objections so I think any sales group can find
value and an increase in sales with them. http://www.magicm.50megs.com/newspapersalesmagic.htm
Things have changed for the baby boomers as their perspective looks at
being over 50 years old. Have a magic day and pass it on.
Magic Mike parlor.htm
-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=--==--=
Baby boomer woes...
Then: Killer weed Now: Weed killer
Then: Paar Now: AARP
Then: The Grateful Dead Now: Dr. Kevorkian
Then: Being caught with Hustler magazine Now: Being caught by Hustler magazine
Then: Getting your head stoned Now: Getting your headstone
Then: Keg Now: EKG
Then: Passing the driving test Now: Passing the vision test
Then: Watching John Glenn's historic flight with your folks. Now: Watching John Glenn's historic flight with your kids.
Then: Swallowing acid Now: Swallowing antacid
Then: Obsessing over your PSAT scores Now: Obsessing over your PSA scores
Then: You're growing pot Now: Your growing pot
Then: Trying to look like Marlon Brando or Elizabeth Taylor Now: Trying not to look like Marlon Brando or Elizabeth Taylor
Then: The perfect high Now: The perfect high-yield mutual fund
Then: Long hair Now: Longing for hair
Then: Fighting to get rid of the lying president Now: Fighting to keep the lying president
Then: Acid rock Now: Acid reflux
Then: Getting out to a new, hip joint Now: Getting a new
hip joint
-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=
-=-=-=-
A construction worker goes to the doctor and says, "Doc,
I'm constipated."
The doctor examines him for a minute and then says, "Lean over the table."
The construction worker leans over the table, the doctor whacks him on the ass with a baseball bat, and then sends him into the bathroom.
He comes out a few minutes later and says, "Doc, I feel great. What should I do?"
The doctor says, "Stop wiping with cement bags."
-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=
-=-=-=-=-=-=-=
The Gift of a Real Friend
A friend is one of the nicest things you can have, and one of the best things you can be. A friend is a living treasure, and if you have one, you have one of the most valuable gifts in life.
A friend is the one who will always be beside you, through all the laughter, and through each and every tear. A friend is the one thing you can always rely on; the someone you can always open up to; the one wonderful person who always believes in you in a way that no one's else seems to. A friend is a sanctuary. A friend is a smile.
A friend is a hand that is always holding yours, no matter where you are, no matter how close or far apart you may be. A friend is someone who is always there and will always -- always -- care. A friend is a feeling of forever in the heart.
A friend is the one door that is always open. A friend is the one to whom you can give your key. A friend is one of the nicest things you can have, and one of the best things you can be
