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"Since all phenomena, is a product of one's own mind,
empty of meaning, like a magician's illusion,
having nothing to do with good or bad, acceptance or rejection,
one might burst out in laughter." - Longchenpa,
13th century Tibetan monk.
TO FIND SOMETHING USE THE EDIT/FIND IN YOUR BROWSER (TOP LEFT CORNER).
Subject: Magic Spot in Sedona, Falwell, Love Date: Thu, 11 Feb 1999 09:05:41 -0800 From: Magic Mike B <Mike Organization: http://funandmagic.com/ To: "MagicMailout bcc's" <"MagicMailout bcc's"
Hi, Today's photo is of a truly magic spot. See the Cathedral Rock at Sedona, Arizona, nearing sunset along Oak Creek Canyon. http://funandmagic.com/photolinks2.htm Just when I thought I couldn't take hearing the self righteous drawl of another Southern Republican, Jerry Falwell steps in and raises the high point marker of ludicrous with his stroke of perception that one of the Telly Tubbies is a secret gay, subverting children. Does Ken Starr know about this?? Perhaps the purple Tubby with the triangle on his head will have lunch with Linda Tripp! With Valentine's day approaching, here is a link to enjoy and some thoughts about love..... http://members.aol.com/Awsumbuny/pink.html followed by the usual cynical humor and puns created by the minds of men and women. Have a magic day and pass it on! Magic Mike http://funandmagic.com/ WHAT IS LOVE?
Love is a slow kiss goodnight.
It's anticipation
Love is an imperfection in yourself not bothering you.
It's acceptance.
Love is passing up an opportunity because the time isn't right yet.
It's patience.
Love is a back massage that starts above the hairline and ends around the insoles.
It's exploration.
Love is not having to say "Let's make love," because you know what the other person wants.
It's understanding.
Love is being given an honest chance to say no when you thought you were committed.
It's consideration.
Love is both of you remembering protection.
It's responsibility.
Love is saying the perfect phrase to make a solemn embrace dissolve into giggles.
It's humor.
Love is being told "Stop and I'll kill you"
It's desire
Love is reviewing the damage to your living room and realizing personal effects are strewn in a clockwise pattern from the front door to the bedroom.
It's abandonment.
Love is seeing what your lover really looks like for the first time.
It's truth.
Love is knowing what time it is and not caring.
It's joy.
Love is the arms around you tightening their embrace.
It's ecstasy.
Love is seeing a new side of a person you thought you knew.
It's renewal
Love is telling a person if you have to leave, you will let them sleep, and being told they would rather be woken
It's tenderness.
Love is waking up to find the subject of the dream you were having asleep on your shoulder.
It's where fantasy meets reality.
Love is being there to wake your lover. Slowly.
It's sensuousness.
Love is belatedly knowing why you bothered to buy a queen-sized bed three years ago.
It's practicality.
Love is two people only taking up a third of a queen-sized bed.
It's closeness.
Love is knowing you gave the extra set of keys to your apartment to the right person.
It's trust.
Love is saying good-bye and knowing you will be back by mutual consent.
It's faith.
Love is stretching your arms and discovering the real meaning of the word "sore."
It's a lesson in human frailty.
Love is opening your medicine cabinet and finding your tube of toothpaste turned into a pretzel.
It's adaptation.
Love is sitting at the window, looking out and remembering who you were with the night before.
It's reflection.
Love is hearing the weather forecast for a winter storm and wishing you could spend it in bed with your lover.
It's loneliness.
Love is stories that will never be told
It's personal.
Love is a slow kiss goodnight.-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=
-=-=-=-=
ALCOHOL WARNINGS
The FDA is considering additional warnings on beer and alcohol bottles, such as:
1) WARNING: consumption of alcohol... may make you think you are whispering when you are not.
2) WARNING: consumption of alcohol is a major factor in dancing like an asshole.
3) WARNING: consumption of alcohol may cause you to tell the same boring story over and over again until your friends want to SMASH YOUR HEAD.
4) WARNING: consumption of alcohol may cause you to thay shings like thish.
5) WARNING: consumption of alcohol may lead you to believe that ex-lovers are really dying for you to telephone them at 4 in the morning.
6) WARNING: consumption of alcohol may leave you wondering what the hell happened to your pants.
7) WARNING: consumption of alcohol may cause you to roll over in the morning and see something really scary (whose species and/or name you can't remember).
8) WARNING: consumption of alcohol is the leading cause of inexplicable rug burns on the forehead.
9) WARNING: consumption of alcohol may create the illusion that you are tougher, handsomer and smarter than some really, really big guy named Chuck.
10) WARNING: consumption of alcohol may lead you to believe you are invisible.
11) WARNING: consumption of alcohol may lead you to think people are laughing WITH you.
12) WARNING: consumption of alcohol may cause an influx in the time-space continuum, whereby small (and sometimes large) gaps of time may seem to disappear.
13) WARNING: consumption of alcohol may actually CAUSE pregnancy. --==
-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=
-
Little Harold was practicing the violin in the living room
while his father was trying to read in the den. The family dog was lying
in the den, and as the screeching sounds of little Harold's violin reached
his ears, he began to howl loudly.
The father listened to the dog and
the violin as long as he could. Then he jumped up, slammed his paper to
the floor and yelled above the noise, "For Pete's sake, can't you
play something the dog doesn't know?!"
-=--=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-==
CATHOLIC DICTIONARY
AMEN: The only part of a prayer that everyone knows.
BULLETIN: 1. Parish information, read only during the homily. 2. Catholic air conditioning. 3. Your receipt for attending Mass.
CHOIR: A group of people whose singing allows the rest of the congregation to lip-sync.
HOLY WATER: A liquid whose chemical formula is H2OLY.
HYMN: A song of praise, usually sung in a key three octaves higher than that of the congregation's range.
RECESSIONAL HYMN: The last song at Mass, often sung a little more quietly, since most of the people have already left.
INCENSE: Holy Smoke!
JESUITS: An order of priests known for their ability to found colleges with good basketball teams.
JONAH: The original "Jaws" story.
JUSTICE: When kids have kids of their own.
KYRIE ELEISON: The only Greek words that most Catholics can recognize besides gyros and baklava.
MAGI: The most famous trio to attend a baby shower.
MANGER: 1. Where Mary gave birth to Jesus because Joseph wasn't covered by an HMO. 2. The Bible's way of showing us that holiday travel has always been rough.
PEW: A medieval torture device still found in Catholic Churches.
PROCESSION: The ceremonial formation at the beginning of Mass, consisting of altar servers, the celebrant, and late parishioners looking for seats.
RECESSIONAL: The ceremonial procession at the conclusion of Mass -led by parishioners trying to beat the crowd to the parking lot.
RELICS: People who have been going to Mass for so long, they actually know when to sit, kneel, and stand.
TEN COMMANDMENTS: The most important Top Ten list not given by David Letterman.
USHERS: The only people in the parish who don't know the seating capacity of a pew.
Subject: [Fwd: PP 99 - 4] Date: Wed, 10 Feb 1999 17:58:20 -0800 From: Magic Mike B <Mike Organization: http://funandmagic.com/ To: "MagicMailout bcc's" <"MagicMailout bcc's"
Here's Phils Planet Orbit (pssst - buy his new cd "Give Me Immortality Or Give Me Death") Have a magic day and pass it on. Magic Mike http://funandmagic.com
Subject: PP 99 - 4 Date: Wed, 10 Feb 1999 20:14:44 -0500 From: Phil Proctor <PProctor@compuserve.com To: AAA <pproctor@compuserve.com
((((((((((((((((((((((( PLANET PROCTOR 99 - 4
"No matter how high or great the throne, what sits on it is the same as your own." -- E.Y. Harburg "Rhymes for the Irreverent"
BEYOND THE RAINBOW On Feb one, Melinda and I participated in the sold-out Mark Taper Yip Harburg tribute, "Over the Rainbow" to fund the free ticket program of the Center Theater Group. The show and dinner reception was exquisitely conceived by Susan Clines and smoothly directed by fellow "Dilbertian", Gordon Hunt. What a night! The warmth, intelligence and ease of our host, Grammy nominee Michael Feinstein, the impeccable jazz stylings of fellow nominee Maureen McGovern singing "Ding Dong, the Witch is Dead," the show-stopping power of Michael Paul Smith's "Brother, Can You Spare a Dime," Jennifer Leigh Warren, Jane Carr, Chic Street Man and Malcolm Gets, (who's Og left me green with envy), not to mention Tim Curry and the Yip-ettes (Nike Doukas, Anna Mathius, Eydie Alyson, Melinda Peterson) and the Antaeus Quartet whose comic antics opened the audience up like a flower...it was a once-in-a-lifetime experience. Too bad it's not up for a Grammy.
"You've nothing to fear from love if you're smart. Just play it by ear and never by heart." -- The Yipper.
DING When Quasimodo's passed away the bishop of the Cathedral of Notre Dame sent word through the streets of Paris that a new bell ringer was needed. After observing several applican'ts demonstrate their skills, an armless man approached him. The bishop was incredulous. "You have no arms!" "No matter," said the man. "Observe!" He then began striking the bells with his face, producing a beautiful melody on the carillon. But suddenly the armless man tripped and plunged headlong out of the belfry window to his death in the street below. The stunned bishop rushed down to where a crowd, drawn by the beautiful music they had heard only moments before, had gathered around the fallen figure. As they silently parted to let the bishop through, one of them asked, "Bishop, who was this man?" "I don't know his name," he sadly replied, "but his face rings a bell."
"For three days after death, hair and fingernails continue to grow but phone calls taper off." -- Johnny Carson
WALK ON WATERWORLD (AP) Retracing Jesus' footsteps on Holy Land pilgrimages is nothing new but the tours have not extended onto water until now. Israel's National Parks Authority announced that it had authorized a private contractor to build a submerged bridge into the Sea of Galilee, actually a freshwater lake, at Capernaum that would allow tourists to simulate Jesus' miraculous walk on water. The 13-foot wide, 28-foot long crescent-shaped floating bridge will be submerged two inches below water, and will be able to accommodate up to 50 of the anticipated four million pilgrims. It will not be railed in order to enhance the "walking on water" effect, and lifeguards and boats will be in attendance in case someone slips off. Hmm. "Slips off..." See you in Heavenworld.
"Religion is for people afraid of going to hell. Spirituality is for those of us who've already been there." -- e-nonomous
THE DEVIL, YOU SAY! David Wallis wrote in "The Nation" about the Kingsport, Tennessee speech by the Irreverant Jerry ("I look like Richard Paul") Falwell in which he predicted that the Antichrist "will be a full-grown counterfeit of Christ. Of course he'll be Jewish." He later allowed that "he, or it, was teaching at Harvard", prompting fundamentalist dittoheads to send hate mail to Law professor Alan Dershowitz. But Wallis proposes several others for the Anti-role such as Michael Eisner for "producing PG porn and satanic rock and allowing 'Gay Day' at Disneyland... what better way to disguise those horns than mouse ears? Adam Sandler: "It is said that the Antichrist comes from the East. Sandler was born in Brooklyn, which is close enough...The real giveaway: The smirking star of The Waterboy engenders huge following for no apparent reason." William Shatner: "What do you think Captain Kirk meant by 'the final frontier'--heaven? Play Shatner's 1968 album The Transformed Man backwards and you'll likely hear 'Beam me up, Beelzebub' repeated over and over." And even Sandy Koufax because he's "a Jew who pitched three no-hitters and a perfect game must have had help."
"Thank God we got the convicts and they got the Puritans." Letter-to-the-editor, Sydney Morning Herald
TELETUBBIES VS. TELEVANGELISTS And now, he's really torn it. Fallwell states that one of the popular TeleTubbies, Pinkie Dickie, or something -- the purple, magic purse-toting one -- is gay! To which April "Radio Savant" Winchell adds: "Laa-Laa, the yellow Tubby, is an alcoholic. This is evidenced by the 'lemon' yellow twist atop his head; the garnish of choice for gin and vodka drinkers everywhere. Further, the character is only known by his first name, a practice widely used by AA in protecting the anonymity of its members. Dipsy, who sports an oversized erect prong atop its head, is a racist. The green prong is a reference to the Green Bay Packers, many of whom are black, and 'pack' larger than average penises in their uniforms. This plays into the racial stereotype that black men are more endowed than white... [and] Po, who is perhaps the most insidious of the characters, is a pedophile. This is clearly evidenced by the small round opening atop his head. The enticement of this tiny red hole to the pederast is obvious. Depending upon the orientation of the sexual offender, 'Po' may stand for 'Poop Orifice' or 'Peepee opening'..." Well, I happen to know that the actors who portray the Tubbies are actually six-footers who could kick Jer's ass.
"Television: a medium. So called because it is neither rare nor well-done." -- Ernie Kovacs
PIPE DREAM An older man wearing a stovepipe hat, a waistcoat and a phony beard sat down at a bar and ordered a drink. As the bartender set it down, he asked, "Going to a party ?" "Yeah," the man answered, "I'm supposed to come dressed as my love life." "But you look like Abe Lincoln," opined the barkeep. "That's right. My last four scores were seven years ago."
"What do you think Lincoln would be doing if he were alive today: Writing his memoirs of the Civil War? Advising the President? Or desperately clawing at the inside of his coffin?" -- David Letterman
THE KRYSYS KONTYNYES An atmosphere close to panic prevails today here in can'terbury, England as the millennia year 1000 approaches, bringing with it the so-called "Y1K Bug." Every formulaic hymn, prayer, ceremony and incan'tation dealing with dated events will have to be rewritten to accommodate three extra syllables. All tabular chronologies with three-space year columns, maintained for generations by scribes using carefully hand-ruled lines on vellum sheets, will now have to be converted to four-space columns, at enormous cost; and the validity of every official event, from baptisms to burials, from confirmations to coronations, may be called into question. "What worries me most," says Brother Cedric of St. Michael's Abbey, "is that 'thousand' contains the word 'thou,' which of course always refers to 'God'. Using it now 'in the name of the year' will seem almost blasphemous, and is bound to cause terrible confusion. What's worse, the Latin word for 'thousand' is 'mille' which is the same as the Latin for 'mile.' We won't know whether we're talking about time or distance!" Stonemasons are already reported threatening a proportional pay increase for having to carve an extra numeral in all dates on tombstones, cornerstones and monuments; and many families, in expectation of the worst, are stocking up on holy water and indulgences. We should have forseen it: 999 is 666 upside down.
"Most people would welcome change as long as things remain the same." --Dr. David Walker, pastor, Church of Religious Science
DONG The following week, despite the sadness that weighed heavily on his heart, the bishop continued his interviews for a replacement to Quasimodo. The first man to approach him said," Your Excellency, I am the brother of the poor armless wretch that fell to his death from this very belfry yesterday. I pray that you honor his life by allowing me to replace him in this duty." The bishop agreed to an audition, but as the armless man's brother stooped to pick up a mallet, he groaned, clutched at his chest and died on the spot. Two monks, hearing the bishop's cries of grief at this second tragedy, rushed up the stairs."What has happened?" the first breathlessly asked, "Who is this man?" "I don't know his name," sighed the distraught bishop, "but he's a deadringer for his brother."
"When we drink, we get drunk. When we get drunk, we fall asleep. When we fall asleep, we commit no sin. When we commit no sin, we go to heaven. So, let's all get drunk, and go to heaven." -- Brian O'Rourke
WILLY, WE HARDLY KNEW YE For at least the last two decades a shadow cast by a Canadian albino rodent named Wiarton Willy meant six more weeks of winter for our neighbors up North, but 200 people were horrified to find that Willy was wasted when they gathered recently for Groundhog Day. "He died from old age. He hasn't been well," said Tara Wilson, a spokeswoman for the 2,600 people in Wiarton, a town north of Toronto. Wilson added that the earthrat "had left a letter calling for an early spring" as his last willy and testament. But the real horror is that the widely distributed foto of Wee White Willy, laid out paws up on his back in a little casket, was apparently that of -- an imposter! Rumors are flying like squirrels that the real hog was so badly decomposed that they had to find another and then -- well, 'snuff said.
"If they outlaw teaching evolution, only outlaws will evolve" - Bumpersticker
LAST SHOTS Human cannonball Mario Zacchini, who survived over 5,000 cannon shots at speeds of 100 mph, flew over the rainbow at the age of 87. He was the last of five brothers who pioneered the gag in the 20s and refined it in the Ringling Bros. Circus, by soaring over a ferris wheel. "Flying isn't the hard part. Landing in the net is. The net is very small up in the air." He was once a stuntman but says, "...movies were no good. All we did was sit an wait." His last words on the subject were, "I was like a cat, with nine lives ...this is the ninth. After this one I'm gone." Badaboom. Also farewell to Huntz Hall, a "Dead End" kid who's, well, dead. And happy 40th birthday to Barbie, whose last name, by the way, is Roberts.
"Science is for those who learn; poetry, for those who know." -- Joseph Roux
+++++++++++(2/10/99)++++++++++
* PLANET PROCTOR: www.planetproctor.com * FIRESIGN SITE: www.firesigntheatre.com * FIREZINE: $15.00 per annum: www.intrepid.net/~firezine/ * FIRESIGN PRODUCT: www.lodestone-media.com * FUNNY TIMES: www.funnytimes.com
PLANET PROCTOR (C) 1999 by Phil Proctor
Subject: River view, stock giveaway, yokes and kid biz Date: Wed, 10 Feb 1999 09:51:07 -0800 From: Magic Mike B <Mike Organization: http://funandmagic.com/ To: "MagicMailout bcc's" <"MagicMailout bcc's"
Hi, Today's desktop wallpaper photo is a up lazy river. Paddle your own canoe at http://funandmagic.com/photolinks2.htm
I was sent this link to a new web business giving away free stock shares. Put my email address in the referral box. http://www.exit23b.com/
There is a Kid Biz on the bottom today. Have a magic day and pass it on. Magic Mike http://funandmagic.com/
-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=
-=-=-=-=-=-=-=
There was this man who came to work with two black eyes. Well, all morning long all his coworkers were giggling and smirking behind his back.
About 10am was they're break, so they were all standing around the water cooler and someone asked him "Hey how did you get those black eyes?".
Well, the man said I was on my way home last night on the bus and I'm seated and there was this woman standing next to me with her skirt tucked between her butt checks. So I thought I'd help her and I pulled on the skirt and got it out of her butt.
Next thing I know she turns around and hits me in my right eye. One of his coworkers then say's "well how did you get the other black eye"? Well when I tried to put it back in.
-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=
-=-=-=-=-=-=
During the wedding rehearsal, the groom approached the pastor with an unusual offer:
"Look, I'll give you $100 if you'll change the wedding vows. When you get to me and the part where I'm to promise to 'love, honor and obey,' I'd appreciate it if you'd just leave that part out." He passed the minister a $100 bill and walked away satisfied.
The big day comes, and the bride and groom exchange their vows. When it comes time for the groom's vows, the pastor looks the young man in the eye and says: "Will you promise to prostrate yourself before her, obey her every command and wish, serve her breakfast in bed every morning of your life and swear eternally before God and your lovely wife that you will not ever even look at another woman, as long as you both shall live?"
The groom gulped and looked around, and said in a tiny voice, "Yes."
The groom leaned toward the pastor and hissed, "I thought we had a deal."
The pastor put the $100 bill into his hand and whispered back, "She made me a much better offer."
YYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYY
A guy walks into his doctor's office and hands him a note that says, "Doc, I've lost the ability to talk." The doctor says, "No problem. Take out your penis and put it on the table." The guy takes out his penis, and after he puts it on the table, the doctor takes a rubber mallet and smacks it... The guy goes, "Aaaa!" The doctor says, "Very good. Come back tomorrow and we'll start on the b's."
YYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYY
A guy goes for skydiving lessons. The instructor says, "It's easy. You leap out of the plane, and you pull the ripcord. If nothing happens, you pull the emergency cord. It's that simple." The guy goes up in the plane, jumps out, and he completely forgets. He's got no idea what to do. As he's zooming down, he passes a guy coming up. He says, "Hey, man...you know anything about parachutes?" The other guy says, "No...you know how to light a gas stove?"
YYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYY
A slug is sexually assaulted by two turtles, and the slug's on the witness stand. The judge says, "Which one of them went first?" The slug says, "I don't know, your Honor...everything happened so fast."
YYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYY
It's a nasty day, and a guy gets pulled over for speeding. The cop says, "Isn't it kind of stupid to be driving so fast in this storm?" The salesman says, "Who's stupid? You're the one who's standing out in the rain."
YYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYY
Monica Lewinsky's lawyer hands a picture of her to Bill Clinton and says, "Mr. President, do you recognize this woman?" Clinton says, "I think I've come across her face a couple of times." -=-
-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=
-=--
"Yelling Doctor"
A new nurse listened while Dr. Blake was yelling, Typhoid! Tetanus! Measles!"
The new nurse asked the Head nurse, "Why is he doing that?"
The Head nurse replied, "Oh, he just likes to think that he calls the shots around here."
http://funandmagic.com/magicjokeparlor.htm
-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-
-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=
-
Subject: SuperNova Star field, Kinsey Report, Kids stuff Date: Tue, 09 Feb 1999 09:55:21 -0800 From: Magic Mike B <Mike Organization: http://funandmagic.com/ To: "MagicMailout bcc's" <"MagicMailout bcc's"
Hi, I found that my WAV site wasn't linking. It's fixed and has some new ones. http://funandmagic.com/coolsoundswavs.html . Hear Elvis and Jim Croce's Time In A Bottle in full length. Hear Arnold's clip "I'll be back", and Brad Pitt's "12 Monkey theory", Nat King Cole "Unforgettable", and "Don't Worry, Be Happy", and Joan Armatrading's "Killing Me Softly".
Today's wallpaper photo op is a Supernova Star-Field. The big version is best but, it is too big. It will give you memory trouble as wallpaper (2400x3000). Save it, then crop it with Lview or PaintShop and then I'd still resize it smaller, too.
Credit: Hubble Heritage Team (AURA/ STScI/ NASA) Explanation: Bright stars don't last forever. A bright star similar to others in this field exploded in a spectacular supernova that was witnessed on Earth in 1987. The result is visible even today as unusual rings and glowing gas. The picture is a composite of recent images taken over several years. The explosion originated from a bright massive star that ran out of nuclear fuel. SN1987A occurred in the Large Magellanic Cloud (LMC), a satellite galaxy only 150,000 light years from our Milky Way Galaxy. The rings of SN1987A are currently excited by light from the initial explosion. Astronomers expect the inner ring to brighten in the next few years as expanding supernova debris overtakes it. Authors & editors: Robert Nemiroff (MTU) & Jerry Bonnell (USRA) NASA Technical Rep.: Jay Norris. A service of: LHEA at NASA/ GSFC & Michigan Tech. U. http://funandmagic.com/photolinks2.htm
Aside from the adult jokes, at the bottom is a kid's mailer for young people you know. Because of the adult jokes, you might want to cut and paste the kid stuff in a document and save for them.
Have a magic day and pass it on. Magic Mike http://funandmagic.com/ http://funandmagic.com/magicjokeparlor.htm
Kinsey Report - "Sexual Behavior In The Human Male" 98% of males (including married men) admitted to masturbating. Average: 3 times per week. (and,... 85% admitted premarital sex; 50% admitted adultery) (Kinsey, et al. 1948)
Current population - 133,189,539 *MEN* in the United States (www.census.gov 7PM-EDT 02/04/99)
so the assumption is 1. It takes at least ten minutes (on average) for a man to masturbate.
LET'S DO THE NUMBERS AS FOLLOWS
133,189,539 men in the United States X 3 wack-offs/week = 399,568,617 wack-offs/week
6 ten-minute-periods/hour X 24hours/day X 7days/week = 1,008 ten-minute-periods/week
399,568,617 wack-offs/week / 1,008 ten-minute-periods/week = 396,397 wack-offs/ten-minute-period
396,397 wack-offs/ten-minute-period X 98% (Kinsey Factor) = 388,469 wack-offs/ten-minute-period
AND THE CONCLUSION
At any given moment (on average), 388,469 men in the United States are wacking-off.
So,... be careful who you shake hands with! (and of course, the women aren't telling .. heh heh )
-=-
-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=
-=-=-=-=-=-=-=
-
Famous Last Words
* This will be a short meeting * You can put it together yourself in five minutes * One slice of pizza won't blow my diet * You'll housebreak him in no time at all * They'll feel terrific once you break them in * We've been in business for 30 years, we're not going anywhere * When it sez "empty" there's always a gallon or two left * If you knew anything at all, you wouldn't be a Traffic Cop * You can make it -- that truck isn't coming all that fast * Of course bring the kids * That's not poison oak * I don't burn, I tan * Take off your clothes, the doctor will be right with you * Your table will be ready in 5 minutes * Of course they're mushrooms, toadstools come to a point * No trouble at all, don't give it a second thought * We service what we sell * Believe me, nobody's dressing up
-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=
-=-=-=-
Job Applican't: "I'm looking for a job as a consultant."
Employer: "I'm sorry, we already have enough consultant." Applican't:
"That's ok, with my experience, I can be an advisor." Employer:
"More than we can use already." Applican't: As he is getting desperate,
"I'm not proud, I can do paperwork, I'll be a clerk, If you have too
many, I'll start as a janitor." Employer: "It just doesn't seem
that we have any openings for a person with your qualifications."
Applican't: As he stands up and angrily yells, "To work for you I'd
have to be a low life, belly crawling, double dealing jerk!" Employer:
"Well, you didn't say you were an attorney, have a seat, we may have
an opening."
-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=
-=-=-=-=-=
The shopkeeper was dismayed when a brand new business much like his own opened up next door and erected a huge sign which read BEST DEALS. He was horrified when another competitor opened up on his right, and announced its arrival with an even larger sign, reading LOWEST PRICES. The shopkeeper was panicked, until he got an idea. He put the biggest sign of all over his own shop-it read MAIN ENTRANCE.
-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=
-=-=-=-=-=-=
An elderly widow and widower were dating for about five years. The man finally decided to ask her to marry. She immediately said "yes".
The next morning when he awoke, he couldn't remember what her answer was! "Was she happy? I think so, wait, no, she looked at me funny..."
After about an hour of trying to remember to no avail, he got on the telephone and gave her a call. Embarrassed, he admitted that he didn't remember her answer to the marriage proposal.
"Oh", she said, "I'm so glad you called. I remembered saying 'yes' to someone, but I couldn't remember who it was." -
=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=----=-=-=-=-=-=-=-
A couple had been married 15 years. One afternoon they were working in the garden together. As the wife was bending over pulling weeds, the husband said, "Hey, Honey, you are getting fat. Your butt is getting huge! I bet it is as big as the gas grill now."
The husband feeling he needed to prove his point, got a yard stick, measured the grill & then measured his wife's butt. "Yep, he said, "Just what I thought, just about the same size." The wife got very upset and decided to let him do the gardening alone.
She went inside & didn't speak to her husband for the rest of the day.
That evening when they went to bed, the husband cuddled up to his wife, and said, "How about it honey? How about a little lovemaking?" The wife rolled over and turned her back to him, giving him the cold shoulder.
What's the matter?" he asked. To which she replied, "You don't think I am going to fire up this big ass grill for one little weenie, do you?"
Subject: Tulainyo Lake, -the
highest body of water in the United States.
Date: Mon, 08 Feb 1999 09:19:29 -0800
From: Magic Mike B <Mike
Organization: http://funandmagic.com/
To: "MagicMailout bcc's" <"MagicMailout
bcc's"
Hi,
Today's photo for your desk is Tulainyo Lake, -the highest
body of water in the United States. In many the years the surface may never
thaw. This unusual view is looking north from the east ridge of Mount Russell.
- Gene Mezereny - PhotoTripUSA. http://funandmagic.com/photolinks2.htm
No one sent in a joke today, so I am going to hunt one up
and send it with these links, below.
Have a magic day and pass it on.
Magic Mike
http://funandmagic.com/
-=--
-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=---=-=
-=
If a groundhog pokes his head out of his hole on the white
house lawn, does that mean that the impeachment trial will last 6 more
weeks???
-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=
-=-=-=-=-=-=-=
-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=
Victoria's Secret put on an online multi-media lingerie show on 2/3, in case you haven't heard. There were two problems.
1) It was so popular, many people couldn't get on.
2) The video quality was so poor, many people couldn't get off.
-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=
-=-=-=-=-=-=-=
-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=
A building contractor was being paid by the week for a job that was likely to stretch over several months. He approached the owner of the property and held up the check he'd been given. "This is two hundred dollars less than we agreed on," he said.
"I know," the owner said. "But last week I overpaid you two hundred dollars, and you never complained."
The contractor said. "Well,
I don't mind an occasional mistake. But when it gets to be a habit, I feel
I have to call it to your attention."
-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=
-=-=
A little boy was in a relative's wedding. As he was coming
down the aisle he would take two steps, stop, and turn to the crowd (alternating
between bride's side and groom's side). While facing the crowd, he would
put his hands up like claws and roar... So it went, step, step, ROAR, step,
step, ROAR all the way down the aisle.
As you can imagine, the crowd was near tears from laughing so hard by the time he reached the pulpit.
The little boy, however, was getting more and more distressed from all the laughing, and was also near tears by the time he reached the pulpit.
When asked what he was doing, the
child sniffed and said, "I was being the Ring Bear...."
-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=
-=-=-=-=-=-=-=
-=
The General went out to find that none of his G.I.s were there. One finally ran up, panting heavily.
"Sorry, sir! I can explain, you see I had a date and it ran a little late. I ran to the bus but missed it, I hailed a cab but it broke down, found a farm, bought a horse but it dropped dead, ran 10 miles, and now I'm here."
The General was very skeptical about this explanation but at least he was here so he let the G.I. go. Moments later, eight more G.I.s came up to the general panting, he asked them why they were late.
"Sorry, sir! I had a date and it ran a little late, I ran to the bus but missed it, I hailed a cab but it broke down, found a farm, bought a horse but it dropped dead, ran 10 miles, and now I'm here."
The General eyed them, feeling very skeptical but since he let the first guy go, he let them go, too. A ninth G.I. jogged up to the General, panting heavily,
"Sorry, sir! I had a date and it ran a little late, I ran to the bus but missed it, I hailed a cab but..."
"Let me guess," the General interrupted, "it broke down."
"No," said the G.I., "there
were so many dead horses in the road, it took forever to get around them."
Subject: Cut cuddly Koala, smart
& dumb, Murphy's household
Date: Sun, 07 Feb 1999 09:46:45 -0800
From: Magic Mike B <Mike
Organization: http://funandmagic.com/
To: "MagicMailout bcc's" <"MagicMailout
bcc's"
Hi,
Here is a cuddly face Koala for your desk. It comes in 1024,
800, and 640 sizes. Climb a tree to see it at http://funandmagic.com/photolinks2.htm
I had to go to a driver awareness meeting. The state computer had three
mistakes on my record. I found out my license had been suspended for months
for a $7 charge that slipped through the cracks. Someone stole my tabs
from my car and a sheriff saw it as I left the meeting. While he was writing
the ticket I got on my cell phone and paid the $7, fixed the problem and
had my license reinstated before he got out of his car.
Have a magic day and pass it on.
Magic Mike
http://funandmagic.com/
-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=
-=-=-=-=-=-=
Smart man + smart woman = romance
Smart man + dumb woman = pregnancy
Dumb man + smart woman = affair
Dumb man + dumb woman = marriage
Smart boss + smart employee = profit
Smart boss + dumb employee = production
Dumb boss + smart employee = promotion
Dumb boss + dumb employee = overtime
MURPHY'S HOUSEHOLD LAWS
A child's eagerness to assist in any project varies in inverse proportion to his ability to actually do the work involved.
Leftovers always expand to fill all available containers plus one.
A newly washed window gathers dirt at twice the speed of an unwashed one.
The availability of a ball-point pen is inversely proportional to how badly it is needed.
The same clutter that will fill a one car garage will fill a two car garage.
Three children plus two cookies equals a fight.
The potential for disaster is in direct proportion to the number of TV remote controls divided by the number of viewers.
The number of doors left open varies inversely with the outside temperature.
The capacity of any water heater is equal to one and a half sibling showers.
What goes up must come down, except bubble gum and slightly used cereal.
Do Something Nice
Unable to attend the funeral after his father died, a son who lived far away called his brother and told him, "Do something nice for Dad and send me the bill."
Later, he got a bill for $572.50, which he paid. The next month, he got another bill for $572.50, which he also paid, figuring it was some incidental expense.
Bills for $572.50 kept arriving every month, and finally the man called his brother again to find out what was going on.
"Well," said the other brother, "You said to do something nice for Dad. So I leased him a Mercedes."
Subject: Bryce Canyon sunrise, Ben
& Jerry's new presidential ice cream, Astrology
Date: Sat, 06 Feb 1999 11:31:49 -0800
From: Magic Mike B <Mike
Organization: http://funandmagic.com/
To: "MagicMailout bcc's" <"MagicMailout
bcc's"
Hi,
Let see sunrise at Bryce Canyon's Sunset Point, by Scott Walton at PhotoTripUSA. http://funandmagic.com/photolinks2.htm
Have a magic day and pass it on.
Magic Mike
http://funandmagic.com/
-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=
-=-=-=-=-=-=
Ben & Jerry's new presidential ice cream
1. Impeach-Mint 2. Candy Pants 3. Hyperactive Nuts 4. Chilly Hillbilly Vanilla 5. Pantsachio 6. Subpoena Colada 7. Horny Bubba Crunch 8. Peppermint Fattie 9. Captain Cream 10. Draft-Dodging Pot-Smoking-Intern-Nailing Raspberry Swirl
-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=
-=-=-=-=
Q: Is it all right to bring a date to the wedding? A: Not
if you are the groom.
Q: What music is recommended for the wedding ceremony? A: Anything except 'Tied to the Whipping Post'.
Q: How can you tell the married men at a wedding reception? A: They're the ones dancing with everyone but their wives.
Q: What is a wedding tragedy? A: To marry a man for love, and then find out he has no money.
Q: Have you heard about the couple who got married in a nudist colony? A: They wanted everyone to be sure who the best man was.
Q: What's long and hard and a Polish man gives it to his bride on their wedding night? A: A last name.
Q: How is marriage like a hot bath? A: Once you get used to it, it's not so hot.
Q: If your wife and a lawyer were drowning and you had to choose: A: Would you go to lunch or to a movie?
Q: How do I make my wife stop buying all these gloves? A: Buy her a diamond ring.
Q: Why don't young girls pass gas? A: Because they have to grow up and marry an asshole!
Q: What is the best way to annoy your wife/husband during sex? A: Call her/him on the telephone.
-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=
-=-
Astrology Sex
Aries women: Wildly sensual, passionate and adventurous. You'll have sex anywhere, you know what you want - intense and frequent sex, you have a need for complete control, but you're also in love with love. As a mate, you are ardent, loyal, sentimental, and earthly. Biggest thrill - the tickle of a man's facial fuzz.
Aries men: Sleeping with him is like playing croquet with live bombs - you never know what is going to happen! Never expect him to wait for you to be ready - he will rip your clothes off if he is ready to go. Don't tease him or you'd better be ready to deliver. Fond of slave master games and he likes it rough. Aries men are also explorers, so be ready to go where no woman has gone before. His favorite position: a woman on her knees leaning forward.
-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=
-
Taurus women: You expect your man to be kind and patient and make love to you by the book. Like to be pleased by sex, but don't look for unusual approaches. But you are a demanding lover and you leave your partner breathless. You have a need for oral gratification, both giving and receiving. Best sex mates: Cancer, Sagittarius, Scorpio, and Leo. Most likely kink: sucking on your toes, one by one. You also like biting...hmmmm!
Taurus men: He is the ideal lover
- sensitive and understanding of his partner's feelings. He prefers it
slow and easy; he won't be your guide to the exotic unknown, but what he
does, he does beautifully. This is the guy to go to for long and luxurious
oral sex. Stamina? This man could wear down a glacier! His erogenous zone:
gently and slowly kiss and bite the back of his neck.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Gemini women: Often the aggressor; you are never embarrassed by your behavior because you never adhere to any standards except your own. Your main requirement: a lover who knows how to take his time. You are a one woman harem, but a partner should be aware that in a relationship, the gemini woman is looking for a combination of the spiritual and the physical, the romantic and the practical. You want to talk to the guy after you tumble with him! Best sex mates are Leo, Scorpio, Aquarians, Libra, and Aries. Favorite gadget: the vibrator.
Gemini men: He likes it with the
lights on in front of the mirror. He can work any partner into the mood
because he knows exactly how to evoke the right responses. Oral sex isn't
his favorite pastime, but he will take his time with other preliminaries.
Tends to be fast and furious, more concerned with satisfying himself than
his partner, but he is more adequate in areas of lovemaking that are often
neglected by other men. He can tell a woman exactly what she wants to hear.
His erogenous zone: move your lips and tongue lightly up his arm
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Cancer women: Will never make the first move, but you can be a marvelous lover for you are capable of intense sensuality. You will reciprocate passion with a fervor that will stir his heart and stimulate him to his best performance. On your own time, you have a fondness for masturbation. Your favorite position: lying prone while your man enters you from behind. Best sex mates: Taurus, Leo, Virgo, Scorpio, and Pisces. You may become a slave to sexual pleasure!
Cancer men: His most surprising
technique: intercourse with no hands. He has a need for constant encouragement
and if gotten, he will be a delightful swain. Both patient and aggressive,
he will often begin somewhere other than the bad; likes being in command,
and is a master at manual clitoral manipulation! You'll like the trip as
it is as much traveling to a place as it is arriving
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Leo women: Sleek, lascivious, enticing and lazy! Whatever Leo wants, Leo gets! Intensely responsive and there are bed-partners who have scars to prove it. Your need to show off leads you to prefer the top where he can look up and admire the beauty of your body. Best sex mates: Libra, Scorpio, Sagittarius, Aries. Your sexual wardrobe: full of wispy cut-out bras and panties!
Leo men: Simply brushes aside rules
and conventions. One important rule to remember about him: NEVER tease.
His endurance is remarkable and he has a great appetite for making love.
He likes women in the submissive position and oral sex is okay only when
he can give and receive. He likes a woman to show how much she is enjoying
it. His erogenous zone: his back is particularly vulnerable.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Virgo women: You have no illusions about sex and wish everyone would stop magnifying its importance. Prefer men who will wait for the relationship to develop to the point where sex is inevitable. You love mutual masturbation and enjoy a little punishment, and your grace and modesty is a great turn on. You become an artist at pleasing your lover. Favorite kink: can't truly enjoy it unless a third party is present. Best sex mates: Gemini, Cancer and Aquarians.
Virgo men: Too shy to make an overture,
but when the moment arrives, you had better be prepared for him to bring
his pajamas, shaving equipment, and toothbrush. He likes to talk about
how you like it and having talked about it, he will key in on the right
erotic response. Don't expect imagination, but he is a hard worker and
is open to suggestion. His secret life: can be obsessed with pornography.
Erogenous zone: his buttocks
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Libra women: Drama is the key word - you set the stage for sex. Intensely feminine and an instinctive exhibitionist. You feel your body was made to be seen and admired. Feel that seduction is an art, not an assault. When approached the right way, you find it easy to say yes to almost anything. Unusual control of vaginal muscles. Best sex mates: Aries, Gemini, Leo, Scorpio, Sagittarius, and Aquarius. Like any position where your buttocks are exposed.
Libra men: Looks for the whole experience,
not just a tumble between the sheets. Has a definite kinky side, a voyeur
and fond of the menage a trois. He has the patience needed to satisfy.
He likes women who dress well and have long hair. If a woman's clothes
look as though they are easily removed, he finds her hard to ignore. Erogenous
zone: back and buttocks, especially the feel of erect nipples against either
of them!
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Scorpio women: Inquisitive, searching, and experimental.
Knows that eroticism consists of more than the physical act of lovemaking.
While looking like a perfect lady in public, you dress and behave like
a whore in the bedroom. Control of the orgasm is very important and will
try anything to help your man maintain his potency. You never take no for
an answer and when interested in someone, you will pursue him with determination
and guile. Best sexmates: Gemini, Cancer, Scorpio, Pisces. Props you love:
scented body oils, flavored lubricating gels, and vibrators.
Scorpio men: A lustful, sexy animal.
Enjoys biting and sucking and is a master of oral sex. Inflicting pain
turns him on so he may pinch at nipples or the insides of thighs. Likes
it in the water, but his kink is that he prefers wood tables and hard floors
to satin and silk. His erogenous zone is his genitalia.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Sagittarius women: You like the outdoors - freaking out if you are in a tent, camper, or on the beach. You enjoy sex, but you don't like to prolong the preliminaries and want to start the main show as soon as possible. Like to tease your partner to the point of losing control. You don't mind if your man comes too quickly - you are a generous and accepting lover. Best sex mates: Leo,Libra, and Aquarius. Your sexual wardrobe will consist of accessories -gloves and shoes!
Sagittarius men: Sex is rarely an
intense experience with him - he often comes too quickly, but he'll be
the first to try a new position. He is the master of erotic massage - both
oral and manual. His tongue can be a wicked instrument and when combined
with his lips, creates an explosive effect!. Erogenous zones: hips and
thighs. And he likes to look at a woman's calves and thighs, and likes
to have sex with a woman in stockings.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Capricorn women: Don't need much foreplay - you go from zero to WOW in nothing flat! Not interested in exotic variation; only staying in power. Since you like to dominate, you like to be astride your man, set a rhythm, and please yourself. Once into the rhythm, lovemaking becomes a wild contest with orgasm as the prize and you can depend on getting there more than once. Also a scratcher and a screamer. Best sex mates: Taurus, Scorpio and Pisces.
Capricorn men: Sex evokes the best
he can offer. He is a planner and a schemer (that is a schemer, not a screamer!).
Prefers a woman who knows what he enjoys,and he expects her to be willing
and readywhenever he wants her. Has thestamina of a marathon runner. Here
is the man who will hold off until you are ready to scream! Erogenous zone:
a massage that starts at the lower back and gently strokes upward along
the sides of his spine.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Aquarius women: A slow starter, you idealize love and encompass it with tenderness. Once aroused though, anything goes! Extremely imaginative and likes trying new things. There is nothing in any sex manual that you won't try. Belief that anything that increases the pleasure for your partner is worthwhile. Best sex mates: Aries, Gemini, Libra, Sagittarius, and Leo. Favorite sex position: standing up, and in water.
Aquarius men: Never treats a woman
like a sex object and prefers a variety of foreplay before getting down
to it. May have be to revved up, but once his engine is started, he is
free and inventive with amazing persistence. He will always see you through
to climax. A woman who knows what she wants will be very happy. He usually
ensures an orgasm twice - once orally and once genitally. Erogenous zones:
gently touching the calves and ankles will get him going. Be careful though
- a kinky Aquarian can be a sadist who doesn't like to be denied!
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Pisces women: Always make the right moves, say the right things, and create the right ambiance. You are sexually liberated and enjoy a wide range of eroticism. If his fantasies coincide with yours, the action can really get torrid! You seldom say no to anything your lover suggests! Favorite places: in a waterbed or hot tub. Best sex mates: Cancer, Scorpio, Capricorn, Pisces.
Pisces men: Takes the lead in lovemaking and impatient if he doesn't get a swift response. Indifferent to sexual restrictions, both moral and legal; prefers a partner with a tremendous sexual craving. Likes sex in a chair. He likes to be submissive. Becomes an addict to anything that will give pleasure and release. Erogenous zone: massaging and caressing his feet.
Subject: Napa Valley sunrise, insanity, dumbness, kid fun Date: Fri, 05 Feb 1999 09:47:51 -0800 From: Magic Mike B <Mike Organization: http://funandmagic.com/ To: "MagicMailout bcc's" <"MagicMailout bcc's"
Hi,
TEIF ! Thank Everyone It's Friday! We're still having a bunch of funny storms here in Seattle with high winds.I went into an office building and it was almost impossible to open the second set of inner doors from the partial vacuum the wind made. If we sneak up on Napa Valley at sunrise we might get this view that Gerhard Bock did from PhotoTripUSA. Set your alarm at http://funandmagic.com/photolinks2.htm If the Impeachment, upcoming millenium, threat of terrorism, or nuclear accidents makes up uneasy just develop a healthy level of insanity.
Have a magic day and pass it on.
Magic Mike
http://funandmagic.com/
-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=
-=-=-=-=-=-=-=
-=-=-=
HoW To KeEp A hEaLtHy LeVeL Of InSaNiTy AnD dRiVe OtHeR
PeOpLe iNsAnE...
~ When wr!t!ng someth!ng, always use an exclamat!on po!nt where there !s a lower case "i" to make !t look as though you are wr!t!ng !t ups!de-down.
~ Page yourself over the intercom. (Don't disguise your voice.)
~ Find out where your boss shops and buy exactly the same outfits. Always wear them one day after your boss does. (This is especially effective if your boss is the opposite gender.)
~ Send e-mail to the rest of the company to tell them what you're doing. For example: 'If anyone needs me, I'll be in the bathroom.'
~ While sitting at your desk, soak your fingers in Palmolive.
~ Put mosquito netting around your cubicle.
~ Every time someone asks you to do something, ask if they want fries with that.
~ Suggest that the Coke machine be filled with beer.
~ Encourage your colleagues to join you in a little synchronized chair dancing.
~ Put your garbage can on your desk and label it 'IN'.
~ Determine how many cups of coffee is 'too many'.
~ Develop an unnatural fear of staplers.
~ For a relaxing break, get away from it all in the fish tank with a mask and snorkel. If no one notices, ditch the snorkel and see how many fish you can catch in your mouth.
~ Send e-mail messages that advertise free pizza, doughnuts, etc., in the breakroom. When people complain that there was nothing there, lean back, rub your stomach, and say, "You've got to be faster than that."
~ Put decaf in the coffee maker for 3 weeks. Once everyone has gotten over their caffeine addictions, switch to espresso.
~ In the memo field of all your checks, write 'for sexual favors'.
~ When driving colleagues around, insist on keeping your car's windshield wipers running during all weather conditions to keep 'em tuned up.
~ Reply to everything someone says with, "That's what you think."
~ Practice making fax and modem noises.
~ Highlight irrelevant information in scientific papers, then cc them to your boss.
~ Finish all your sentences with "in accordance with the prophecy."
~ Adjust the tint on your monitor so that the brightness level lights up the entire working area. Insist to others that you like it that way.
~ Dont use any punctuation
~ As often as possible, skip rather than walk.
~ Ask people what sex they are.
~ While making presentations, occasionally bob your head like a parakeet.
~ At lunch time, sit in your parked car and point a hair dryer at passing cars to see if they slow down.
~ Specify that your drive-through order is 'to go'.
~ Stomp on plastic ketchup packets.
~ Holler random numbers while someone is counting.
~ Honk and wave at strangers.
~ Decline to be seated at a restaurant, then eat the complimentary mints by the cash register.
~ TYPE ONLY IN UPPERCASE.
~ type only in lowercase.
~ What?" "Never mind. It's gone now."
~ Sing along at the opera.
~ Go to a poetry recital and ask why the poems don't rhyme.
~ Five days in advance, tell your friends you can't attend their party because you're not in the mood.
-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=
-=-=-=
A boy was walking down the street when he noticed his grandpa sitting on the porch, in the rocking chair, with nothing on from the waist down.
"Grandpa, what are you doing?" he exclaimed. The old man looked off in the distance and did not answer him.
"Grandpa, what are you doing sitting out her with nothing on below the waist?" he asked again.
The old man slowly looked at him and said,"Well, last week I sat out here with no shirt on, and I got a stiff neck. This is your Grandmas idea."
-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=
-=-=-=
There's always someone out there dumber than you..........
I worked with an individual who plugged his power strip back into
itself and for the life of him could not understand why his computer
would not turn on.
.- - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - -
1st Person: "Do you know anything about this fax-machine?"
2nd Person: "A little. What's wrong?"
1st Person: "Well, I sent a fax, and the recipient called back to say all
she received was a cover-sheet and a blank page. I tried it again, and the
same thing happened."
2nd Person: "How did you load the sheet?"
1st Person: "It's a pretty sensitive memo, and I didn't want anyone else
to read it by accident, so I folded it so only the recipient would open it
and read it."
.- - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - -
I recently saw a distraught young lady weeping beside her car.
"Do you need some help?" I asked. She replied, "I knew I should
have replaced the battery in this remote door unlocker. Now I can't
get into my car. Do you think they (pointing to a distant convenience store)
would have a battery for this?" "Hmmm, I dunno. Do you have an alarm, too?"
I asked. "No, just this remote 'thingy,'" she answered, handing it and the
car
keys to me. As I took the key and manually unlocked the door, I replied,
"Why
don't you drive over there and check about the batteries... it's a long
walk."
.- - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - -
Tech Support: "What does the screen say now?"
Person: "It says, 'Hit ENTER when ready'."
Tech Support: "Well?"
Person: "How do I know when it's ready?"
.- - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - -
My friend called his car insurance company to tell them to change
his address from Texas to Vermont. The woman who took the call asked
where Vermont was. As he tried to explain, she interrupted and said,
"Look, I'm not stupid or anything, but what state is it in?"
.- - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - -
This person had a broken lamp that he wanted to discard.
Unfortunately, the power cord ran under his refrigerator, making it
impossible to move the lamp while the cord was attached. He decided
to cut the cord, since the lamp was unusable anyway. He didn't remember
to unplug it first, however, and I found him in the hallway rolling back and
forth.
.- - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - -
I was in a car dealership a while ago when a large motorhome was
towed into the garage. The front of the vehicle was in dire need of
repair and the whole thing generally looked like an extra in "Twister".
I asked the manager what had happened. He told me that the driver
had set the cruise control, then went in back to make a sandwich.
.- - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - -
I called a company and asked to speak to Bob. The person who
answered said, "Bob is on vacation. Would you like to hold?"
.- - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - -
- - -
The Baltimore Police Department, famous for its superior K-9 unit,
was somewhat taken aback by a recent incident. Returning home from work,
a woman had been shocked to find her house ransacked and burglarized.
She telephoned the police at once and reported the crime.
The police dispatcher broadcast the call on the channels, and a K-9
officer patrolling nearby was first on the scene. As he approached
the house with his dog on a leash, the woman ran out on the porch,
clapped a hand to her head and moaned, "I come home from work to find all
my possessions stolen, I call the police for help, and what do they do?
They send a blind policeman!"
Subject: Niagra Falls, NASA TV,
City CAMS Date: Thu, 04 Feb 1999 17:17:00 -0800 From: Magic Mike B <Mike
Organization: http://funandmagic.com/ To: "MagicMailout bcc's" <"MagicMailout
bcc's"
Let's take a barrel ride over Niagra Falls. No? Okay, let's settle for a nice photo of it on our desk by Michael McGrath at Snap Shot. . http://funandmagic.com/photolinks2.htm I put a free demo copy of PhotoImpact SmartSaver of my Free Utility Software page for you, and I reduce my background photo and page photos with it, so my pages should load faster now. Let me know if you notice a difference. Some links might still be slow to other servers on the photos as all photos are on their original sites and not stored on my site or pages. Did you hear about the pregnant chimp at the Los Angeles Zoo? It seems that all the males have vasectomies. Was a zoo keeper working after hours? Hmmm, chimps don't wear dresses so we can't do a DNA scan. Now I have two things for you that are too darned neat. First, the new NASA site with streaming videos of NASA TV and NASA film archives http://spaceflight.nasa.gov/index-n.html . Have you wondered what the road and weather we like in before you got in the car or a plane? How is traffic on the highway before I leave? Hmmm Let's check the CAM in cities and states in the U.S. and Canada. http://www.flightbrief.com/Links/cams.htmlHave a magic day everyone and pass it on!
Magic Mike
http://funandmagic.com/
-=-
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Q. What do you call someone in the White House who is honest,
ethical, intelligent, law abiding and truthful?
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Ten Things NOT to Say to a Parent When You're You're Picking
up a Date
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Quick Q & A
Q: Why are married women heavier than single women? A: Single
women come home, see what's in the fridge and go to bed. Married women
come home, see what's in bed and go to the fridge.
Q: How many honest, intelligent, caring men in the world does it take to do the dishes? A: Both of them.
Q: Why did the man cross the road? A: He heard the chicken was a slut.
Q: Why don't women blink during foreplay? A: They don't have time.
Q: Why does it take 1 million sperm cells to fertilize one egg? A: They won't stop to ask directions.
Q: What do men and sperm have in common? A: They both have a one-in-a-million chance of becoming a human being.
Q: How does a man show that he is planning for the future? A: He buys two cases of beer.
Q: What is the difference between men and government bonds? A: The bonds mature.
Q: Why are blonde jokes so short? A: So men can remember them.
Q: How many men does it take to change a roll of toilet paper? A: We don't know; it has never happened.
Q: Why is it difficult to find men who are sensitive, caring and good looking? A: They all already have boyfriends.
Q: What do you call a woman who knows where her husband is every night? A: A Widow.
Q: How did Pinocchio find out he was made of wood? A: His hand caught fire.
Q: How do you get a man to do sit-ups? A: Put the remote control between his toes.
Q: What did God say after creating Adam? A: I must be able to do better than that.
Q: What did God say after creating Eve? A: "Practice makes perfect."
Q: How are men and parking spots alike? A: Good ones are always taken. Free ones are mostly handicapped or extremely small.
Q: What is the one thing that all men at singles bars have in common? A: They are married.-=-
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Here are some more "Southern" sayings for those
"Furriners" in the group: I think these weren't in the other
batch.
"Well, butter my butt and call me a biscuit." . "Have a cup of coffee, it's already been 'saucered and blowed.'" . "She's so stuck up, she'd drown in a rainstorm." . "My cow died last night so I don't need your bull." "Don't pee down my back and tell me it's raining." . "He's as country as cornflakes." . "Busier than a cat covering crap on a marble floor." "If things get any better, I may have to hire someone to help me enjoy it!"
Subject: Wilderness stream, medical/cancer
links
Date: Wed, 03 Feb 1999 09:20:46 -0800
From: Magic Mike B <Mike
Organization: http://funandmagic.com/
To: "MagicMailout bcc's" <"MagicMailout
bcc's"
Today's desktop wallpaper is a wilderness stream. Choose your monitor size. http://funandmagic.com/photolinks2.htm Today is the day the music died, the airplane crash of American Pie, the plane carrying Buddy Holly and The Big Bopper. Stop by the WAV of the day and hear Brad Pitt's 12 Monkees. Dan Qualye is going to base his run for President on ideas. I guess it will be a one issue campaign. Interesting note, Goodyear merged with a Japan industrial. One major issue that made Japan go to war was our refusal to share rubber technology in the late 1930's.
Have a magic day and pass it on.
Magic Mike
http://funandmagic.com/magicjokeparlor.htm
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The Pub Owners Little Dog In a small country pub, all the
patrons became quite used to the pub owners little dog being around the
bar, so were quite upset when one day the little dog died.
Everyone met to decide how they could remember the little dog. The decision was to cut off his tail and stick it up behind the bar to remind everyone of the little dog's wagging tail.
The little dog went up to heaven and was about to run through the pearly gates when he was stopped by Saint Peter, who questioned the little dog as to where he was going.
The little dog said "I have been a good dog - so I am going into heaven where I belong!". Saint Peter replied "Heaven is a place of perfection, you can not come into heaven without a tail, where is your tail?"
The little dog explained the what had happened back on earth. St Peter told the little dog to go back down to earth and retrieve his tail. The little dog protested that it was now the middle of the night on earth, but St Peter would not change his mind.
So the little dog went back down to earth and scratched on the door of the pub until the bartender who lived upstairs came down and opened the door.
"My goodness, it is the spirit of the little dog. What can I do for you?" said the bartender. The little dog explained that he wasn't allowed into heaven without his tail, and he needed it back. The bartender replied "I would really like to help you, but my liquor license doesn't allow me to retail spirits after hours!"-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=
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Truth Stranger Than Fiction
This story occurred on Waterbury WTIC 1050 radio. They have a competition where they ring someone up, ask them three personal questions, ring their spouse or partner, ask them the same three questions. If the answers are the same, the couple win a holiday to Bali. Last week the competition went like this:
Presenter: Good Morning. It's WTIC 1050, do you want to play the game?
John: Yeah, sure.
Presenter: O.K., Question 1 - When was the last time you had sex?
John: Ohhh, dude. Ha Ha, well, about 8 o'clock this morning. Right after I finished lifting weights.
Presenter: And how long did it go ?
John: Orrrrr .... about 10 minutes.
Presenter: 10 minutes? Good one. And where did you do it?
John: Ohhhh, I can't say that.
Presenter: There's a holiday to Bali at stake here John!
John: O.K. ... O.K. ... On the kitchen table.
Presenter: (and others in the room - much laughter). Good one John, now is it O.K. for us to call your girlfriend?
John: Yeah, alright.
Presenter: Hi Jen, how are you?
Jen: Hi. Good thanks.
Presenter: (Explains competition again) We've got John on the other line, say hello.
Jen: Hi John.
John: Hi Jen.
Presenter: Now Jen, we're going to ask you the same three questions we asked John and if you give the same answers, you win a trip for two to Bali.
John: Just tell the truth Honey.
Jen: O.K.
Presenter: Jen, when was the last time you had sex?
Jen: Oohhhh, noooooo. I can't say that on radio.
John: Jen, it doesn't matter. I've already told them.
Jen: O.K. ... About 8:00 this morning before John went to work.
Presenter: Good, nice start! Next question. How long did it go Jen?
Jen: (giggling) About 12, maybe 15 minutes.
Co-Presenter: That's close enough ... John was just being a gentleman.
Presenter: O.K. Jen, final question. Where did you do it ?
Jen: Oh no I can't say that. My mom could be listening. No way, no.
Presenter: There's a trip to Bali on the line here.
John: Jen, I've already told them so it doesn't matter anyway; just tell 'em.
Jen: Ohhhh .... alright .... Up the ass!
RADIO SILENCE
Advert Presenter: Sorry if anyone was offended before, we're going live here, and sometimes these things happen. We've given John and Jen the holiday. Now we'll take a music break.-==-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=
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Subject: Medical Info First <A HREF="http://noah.cuny.edu/cancer/cancer.html"Cancer:
Ask NOAH</A http://noah.cuny.edu/cancer/cancer.html Here you can
find the answer to a lot of your questions you can even look up the specific
type of cancer
Then we get <A HREF="http://www.cyberstars.com/health/cancer/csec/"Click here: CANCER SUPPORT & EDUCATION CENTER (CSEC)</A http://www.cyberstars.com/health/cancer/csec/ This is a California based group but referral information is available.
Next there is <A HREF="http://www.heartinfo.com/"HeartInfo - Heart Information Network Front Door</A http://www.heartinfo.com/ Here you can find a doctor, a dietary plan, and get the latest information available
Then again we have <A HREF="http://www.mendedhearts.org/"Click here: Mended Hearts, Inc. Helping Heart Disease Patients and Families</A http://www.mendedhearts.org/ Here is a Nationwide organization to support the whole family not just the patient.
Next visit <A HREF="http://www.medpatients.com/alzheimers- disease/alz001.htm"Click here: Well Connected: Alzheimer's Disease</A http://www.medpatients.com/alzheimers-disease/alz001.htm This very informative site has a lot to offer for all patients.
And last <A HREF="http://www.alzcare.org/"Click here: The Alzheimer's Community Care Association</A http://www.alzcare.org/ This is a regional based organization but referrals are available.
Subject: Groundhog, Orion, Guy manias,
Paint Shop Pro Tips Date: Tue, 02 Feb 1999 08:19:48 -0800 From: Magic Mike
B <Mike Organization: http://funandmagic.com/ To: "MagicMailout
bcc's" <"MagicMailout bcc's"
Hi, Happy Groundhog Day! (Is there anyone who takes pleasure in that?!) Today's photo wallpaper is the Orion Nebula in Infrared, one of the first taken by the new Japan Suburu telescope in Hawaii. http://funandmagic.com/photolinks2.htm Have a joke, bumper sticker, recipe, or neat link? Send it in! Have a magic day and passit on! Magic Mike http://funandmagic.com/ Because I'm a guy, I must hold the television remote control in my hand while I watch TV. If the thing has been misplaced, I'll miss a whole show looking for it, though one time I was able to survive by holding a calculator.
Because I'm a guy, when I lock my keys in the car I will fiddle with a wire clothes hanger and ignore your suggestions that we call a road service until long after hypothermia has set in. Oh, and when the car isn't running very well, I will pop the hood and stare at the engine as if I know what I'm looking at. If another guy shows up, one of us will say to the other, "I used to be able to fix these things, but now with all these computers and everything, I wouldn't know where to start." We will then drink beer.
Because I'm a guy, I can be relied upon to purchase basic groceries at the store, like milk, or bread. I cannot be expected to find exotic items like "Cumin" or "Tofu." For all I know these are the same thing. And never, under any circumstances, expect me to pick up anything for which "feminine hygiene product" is a euphemism.
Because I'm a guy, I don't think we're all that lost, and no, I don't think we should stop and ask someone. Why would you listen to a complete stranger--how the heck could he know where we're going?
Because I'm a guy, there is no need to ask me what I'm thinking about. The answer is always either sex or football, though I have to make up something else when you ask, so don't.
Because I'm a guy, I do not want to visit your mother, or have your mother come visit us, or talk to her when she calls, or think about her any more than I have to. Whatever you got her for mother's day is ok, I don't need to see it.
Because I'm a guy, I am capable of announcing, "one more beer and I really have to go," and mean it every single time I say it, even when it gets to the point that the one bar closes and my buddies and I have to go hunt down another. I will find it increasingly hilarious to have my pals call you to tell you I'll be home soon, and no, I don't understand why you threw all my clothes into the front yard. What's the connection?
Because I'm a guy, you don't have to ask me if I liked the movie. Chances are, if you're crying at the end of it, I didn't.
Because I'm a guy, yes, I have to turn up the radio when Bruce Springsteen or The Doors comes on, and then, yes, I have to tell you every single time about how Bruce had his picture on the cover of Time and Newsweek the same day, or how Jim Morrison is buried in Paris and everyone visits his grave. Please do not behave as if you do not find this fascinating.
Because I'm a guy, I think what you're wearing is fine. I thought what you were wearing five minutes ago was fine, too. Either pair of shoes is fine. With the belt or without it looks fine. Your hair is fine. You look fine. Can we just go now?
Because I'm a guy and this is, after all, the 90's, I will share equally in the housework. You do the laundry, the cooking, the cleaning, and the dishes. I'll do the rest.
-==-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=
-=-=-=-=-=-=-=
-A drunken man staggers in to a Catholic church and wanders
over to the confessional box. He opens the door, sits down and says nothing.
The bewildered priest waits for a few minutes, allowing the drunken man
some time to collect his thoughts. Growing impatient, the priest coughs
to attract his attention, but still the man says nothing. The priest then
knocks on the wall three times in a final attempt to get the man to speak.
Finally, the drunk replies: "No use knockin' mate, there's no paper
in this one either."
Subject: Yosemite and something poignant, corny, stupid, and fun
Date: Mon, 01 Feb 1999 09:22:56 -0800
From: Magic Mike B <Mike
Organization: http://funandmagic.com/
To: "MagicMailout bcc's" <"MagicMailout bcc's" Hi,
Today let's put a photo on our desk of Yosemite Valley in a purple haze. http://funandmagic.com/photolinks2.htm Here's a strange bunch of infotainment; something poignant, something corny, something deadly stupid, and something fun!
Have a magic day with it and pass it on!
Magic Mike
http://funandmagic.com/magicjokeparlor.htm
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--=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=
This is a poem that Audrey Hepburn read to her family during
her last Christmas just weeks before she died.
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Snow White received a camera as a gift. She happily took
pictures of the Dwarfs and their surroundings. When she finished her first
batch she took the film to be developed. After a week or so she went to
get the finished photos. The clerk said the photos were not back from the
processor. Needless to say, she was disappointed and started to cry. The
clerk, trying to console her, said............... 'Don't worry. Someday
your prints will come.'
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GRAVITY KILLS
A 22-year-old Reston man was found dead yesterday after he tried to use occy straps (the stretchy little ropes with hooks on each end) to bungee jump off a 70-foot railroad trestle, police said. Fairfax County (Virginia) police said Eric A. Barcia, a fast-food worker, taped a bunch of these straps together, wrapped an end around one foot, anchored the other end to the trestle at Lake Accotink Park, jumped ... and hit the pavement. Warren Carmichael, a police spokesman, said investigators think Barcia was alone because his car was found nearby. "The length of the cord that he had assembled was greater than the distance between the trestle and the ground," Carmichael said. Police say the apparent cause of death was "major trauma." An autopsy is scheduled for later in the week.
LAUNCHED ON THE FOURTH OF JULY ...
Three young men in Oklahoma were enjoying the coming fourth of July holiday and wanted to apparently test fire some fireworks. Their only real problem was that their launch pad and seating arrangements were atop a several-hundred-thousand-gallon fuel distillation storage tank. Oddly enough, some fumes were ignited, producing a fireball seen for miles and miles. They were launched, no doubt, countless thousands of feet into the air and were found dead 250 yards from their respective seats.
DON'T ASK GOD TO PROVE HIMSELF, HE JUST MIGHT...
A lawyer and two of his buddies were fishing on Caddo Lake in Texas. A lightning storm hit the lake and most of the fisherman immediately headed for the shore. But not our friend the lawyer. He was alone on the rear of his aluminum bass boat and his buddies were in the front. This gentleman stood up, spread his arms wide (crucifixion style) and shouted: "HERE I AM LORD, LET ME HAVE IT!" Needless to say, God delivered [well, wouldn't you?]. The other two passengers on the boat survived and are said to have immediately joined the Ministry.
CATCH!
A man in Alabama died from rattlesnake bites. Big deal, you may say, but there's a twist here that makes him a Darwin Award candidate. It seems he and a friend were playing catch with a rattlesnake. You can guess what happened from here. The friend (a future Darwin Award candidate) was hospitalized.
THEY SAY THOSE THINGS WILL KILL YOU . . .
Not much was given to me on this unlucky fellow, but he qualifies nonetheless. You see, there was a gentleman from Korea who was killed by his cell phone, more or less. He was doing the usual "walking and talking" when he walked into a tree and managed to somehow break his neck. Keep that in mind the next time you decide to drive and dial at the same time.
GIMME A LIGHT!
Several years ago, in a west Texas town, employees in a medium-sized warehouse noticed the smell of a gas leak. Sensibly, management evacuated the building, extinguishing all potential sources of ignition - lights, power, etc. After the building had been evacuated, two technicians from the gas company were dispatched. Upon entering the building, they found they had difficulty navigating in the dark.
To their frustration, none of the lights worked. Witnesses later described the vision of one of the technicians reaching into his pocket, and retrieving an object that resembled a lighter. Upon operation of the lighter-like object, the gas in the warehouse exploded, sending pieces of it up to three miles away. Nothing was found of the technicians, but the lighter was virtually untouched by the explosion. The technician that was suspected of causing the explosion had never been thought of as "bright" by his peers.
INNER SKELETON A 63 year old widow was admitted to hospital in Recife, Brazil, suffering abdominal pains. X-rays showed that she was carrying a 20 inch long skeleton of a fetus which she conceived a decade earlier It had become lodged outside the womb and was never expelled from her body.
FEMALE SOFA A 500 lb. woman from Illinois was examined in the hospital. During the examination, an asthma inhaler fell from under her armpit, a dime was found under one of her breasts, and a remote control was found lodged between the folds of her vulva.
OUCH! A couple hobbled into a Washington emergency room covered in bloody restaurant towels. The man had his around his waist, and the woman had hers around her head They eventually explained to doctors that they had gone out that evening for a romantic dinner Overcome with passion, the woman crept under the table to administer oral sex to the man. While in the act, she had an epileptic fit, which caused her to clamp down on the man's member and wrench it from side to side In agony and desperation, the man grabbed a fork and stabbed her in the head until she let go.
BLIND DRUNK A drunk staggered into a Pennsylvania ER complaining of severe pain while trying to remove his contact lenses. He said that they would come out halfway, but they always popped back in. A nurse tried to help using a suction pump, but without success. Finally, a doctor examined him and discovered that the man did not have his contact lenses in at all. He had been trying to rip out the membrane of his cornea.
GROWING SEASON An old woman in a North Carolina ER complained of green vines growing from her vagina. Investigation revealed a large potato trapped in her womb. The woman then suddenly remembered that she had inserted it two weeks previously, because she thought that her uterus was falling out.
PRICKLY PAIR In Michigan, a man came into the ER with lacerations to his penis. He complained that his wife had "a rat in her pussy" and it bit him during sex. After an examination of his wife, if was revealed that she had a surgical needle left inside her after a recent hysterectomy.
LAST STAND A Cambridge man hobbled into the ER complaining of a permanent erection. He admitted to doctors that while on holiday in Cuba, he frequented many brothels, and in one he was given some erectile cream to keep him hard. He was told to use it sparingly. However, since he was having so much fun, he kept using more and more. By the time he came to the ER, all the blood vessels in his penis were swollen and his testicles had ballooned in size. Doctors could do nothing except prescribe painkillers, and told him that it would return to flaccidity in a few days. They also told him to enjoy his erection while it lasted, because it was going to be his last.
JUICY LUCY In Kentucky, a woman complained of a purple discharge from her vagina. She thought it might have something to do with the diaphragm that her doctor had recently given her. "I followed all the instructions to the letter," she told her doctor, "and used it with the jelly." When asked which kind of jelly she had used, she replied "Grape."
KLINGONS AROUND URANUS A 20 year old man came to the ER with a stony mass in his rectum. He said that he and his boyfriend were fooling around with concrete mix, when his boyfriend had the idea of pouring the mix into his anus using a funnel. The concrete then hardened, causing constipation and pain. Under general anesthesia, a perfect concrete cast of the man's rectum was removed........................along with a stray Ping-Pong ball.-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=
-=-=-=-=-=-=-=
-=-=-=-=-==Useful Info for Speeding Tickets
I tried to pass this on to anyone I could think of. I know for a fact that this works so if you ever get in this situation, you have an out. This procedure works in any state. Read it and try it, you have nothing to loose but the points in your license.
If u get a speeding ticket or went through a red light or whatever the case may be, and you are going to get points on your license, then there is a method to ensure that you DO NOT get any points. When u get your fine, send in the check to pay for it and if the fine is say $79, then make the check out for $82 or some small amount above the fine. The system will then have to send you back a check for the difference, but here is the trick! ---DO NOT CASH THE CHECK!! Throw it away! Points are not assessed to your license until all the financial transactions are complete. If you do not cash the check, then the transactions are not complete. However the system has gotten its money so it is happy and will not bother you any more.
SOURCE: Thoonen Production Administrator RACV Touring Publications.
