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Subject: Planet Proctor [Fwd: PP 99 - 3]Date: Sun, 31 Jan 1999 17:22:03 -0800
From: Magic Mike B <Mike@funandmagic.com
Hi,
Here's Phil's Orbit. Here's a real cool interactive internet
puzzle.
http://www.lifelong.com/carnivalworld/javapuzzle/javapuzzle.htmlHave a magic day and pass it on!
Magic Mike
http://funandmagic.com/magicjokeparlor.htm
Subject: PP 99 - 3
Date: Sun, 31 Jan 1999 19:48:22 -0500
From: Phil Proctor <PProctor@compuserve.com
(((((((((((((((((((((((((( PLANET PROCTOR 99 - 3
"The genius of you Americans is that you never make clear-cut stupid moves, only complicated stupid moves, which make us wonder if it's possible that there may be something to them we are missing." -- Gamel Abdel Nasser
WHAT'S THE PROBLEM? January 3, 2000 (Re: Vacation Pay) Dear Valued Employee: Our records indicate that you have not used any vacation time over the past 100 year(s). As I'm sure you are aware, employees are granted 3 weeks of paid leave per year or pay in lieu of time off. One additional week is granted for every 5 years of service. Please either take 9,400 days off work or notify our office and your next paycheck will reflect payment of $8,277,432.22 which will include all pay and interest for the past 1,200 months. Sincerely, Automated Payroll Processing
"Y2K is a government plot, and their tactics are easy to spot. It's a chance for the Feds to put chips in our heads so then they can tax every thought." -- General Y Tookie
CASTING CALL (I'm printing this so you'll stop sending it to me...) * Candidate A chain smokes and drinks 8 to 10 martinis a day; associates with ward heelers, consults with astrologists and he's had two mistresses. * Candidate B was kicked out of office twice, sleeps until noon, used opium in college and drinks a quart of brandy every evening. * Candidate C is a decorated war hero, a non-smoking vegetarian who drinks an occasional beer and hasn't had any illicit affairs. Which of these candidates is your choice? (A: Franklin D. Roosevelt; B: Winston Churchill; C: Adolph Hitler)
"Maybe this world is another planet's hell." -- Aldous Huxley
THE KING HAS LEFT THE BULIDING Reuters reports that a certain Finnish academic, known for recording Elvis Presley songs in Latin, has set out on a new project: re-recording all the King's hits in the ancient Sumerian language. Jukka Ammondt has already started work on "Blue Suede Shoes," which he is translating into the cuneiform language of Babylonia which died out around 2000 B.C.. "Elvis would have liked the idea because the ancient Sumerians had big parties and drums and rattles," says Ammondt, "and the roots of rock may go back to man's earliest efforts to get a grip on life." Meanwhile, in a Finnish village of Kutemajarvi, which literally means "spawn lake" and is nick-named "Lake Lovemaking," the only "cold fish" they want to see are in the water. The village is planning a summer Sex Fair to commemorate the U.N.'s International Year of Older Persons, providing those 45 and up the inspiration for taking a roll in the hay -- "and the hay to do it in." They plan to mark out a trail through the region's forests and meadows, with signs leading to secluded areas suitable for intimate contact; and for those who shun "love in the wild", the trail also will pass several barns full of "aromatic and comfortable hay." Homosexuals are welcome, but voyeurs can forget it. And "animal lovers"...?
"Somewhere on this globe, every ten seconds, there is a woman giving birth to a child. She must be found and stopped." -- Sam Levenson
YOU COULD BE A WINNER! A woman gets home, runs into her house, slams the door and shouts, "Honey, pack your bags. I won the lottery." The husband says, "Wow! That's great! Should I pack for the ocean, or the mountains? "I don't care, " she says, "Just get the hell out."
"We must believe in luck. For how else can we explain the success of those we don't like?" -- Jean Cocturan
PLANET STUPID Seattle police found an ill man curled up next to a motorhome in a pool of spilled sewage. A police spokesman said that the man admitted that he was attempting to steal gasoline by siphoning it, but had plugged his hose into the motorhome's septic tank by mistake. The owner of the vehicle declined to press charges, saying that it was the best laugh he'd ever had. (Topless saleswomen are legal in Liverpool, England -- but only in tropical fish stores.) The Ann Arbor News crime column reported that a man walked into an Ypsilanti Burger King at 8:50am, flashed a gun and demanded cash. When the clerk turned him down because he couldn't open the cash register without a food order, the guy ordered onion rings. But the clerk said they weren't available for breakfast. Frustrated, (and hungry?) the would-be robber walked away.
"You can go a long way with a smile. You can go a lot farther with a smile and a gun." -- Al Capone
SPORTS ARE STUIPID TOO "Nobody in football should be called a genius. A genius is a guy like Norman Einstein," says football commentator and former player Joe Theismann. "Why would anyone expect him to come out smarter?" asked boxing promoter Dan Duva about Mike Tyson. "He went to prison for three years, not Princeton." "You guys pair up in groups of three," said Florida State football coach Bill Peterson, "Then line up in a circle." Orlando Magic Pat Williams commented about his team's 7-27 record: "We can't win at home. We can't win on the road. As general manager, I just can't figure out where else to play." Basketball player Chris Washburn, "Yeah, I can go to my right and my left. That's because I'm amphibious." And North Carolina State basketball player Chuck Nevitt on why he appeared nervous at practice: "My sister's expecting a baby, and I don't know if I'm going to be an uncle or an aunt." Utah Jazz president Frank Layden said about a former player: "I told him, 'Son, what is it with you? Is it ignorance or apathy?' He said, 'Coach, I don't know and I don't care.'" And finally, Texas A&M basketball coach Shelby Metcalf recounted what he told a player who received four Fs and one D: "Son, looks to me like you're spending too much time on one subject."
"Red meat is NOT bad for you. Now blue-green meat, THAT'S bad for you!" -- Tommy Smothers
MUSIC THAT MAKES YOU MOVE! Garry Margolis says you can order "Medical Psychosomatic Music for Therapy Constipation" from a Chinese Wind [sic] Records catalog. "The meter of the music will promote better digestion and allow the circulation of chi to gradually resume normal condition, resulting in regular stool." It's Garry's choice for telephone music while "on hold." Or you could order "Dennis the Menace Songs" from the latest NARAS Awards Guide where "Dennis mixes up his own words to 15 all-time favorite melodies." I'm told it will have the same effect.
"Fall is my favorite season in Los Angeles, watching the birds change color and fall from the trees." -- David Letterman
BEAR WITH ME Animal Activist and "Rugrats" daddy Michael Bell forwards this bulletin: "In light of the rising frequency of human/grizzly bear conflicts, the Montana Department of Fish and Game is advising hikers, hunters and fisherman to take extra precautions while in the field. We advise that outdoorsman wear noisy bells on their clothing so as not to startle bears and to carry pepper spray in case of an encounter with a bear. It is also a good idea to watch out for fresh signs of bear activity.
Outdoorsman should recognize the difference between black bear and grizzly bear excrement. Black bear excrement is smaller and contains lots of berries and squirrel fur. Grizzly bear excrement has little bells in it and smells like pepper."
"I think animal testing is a terrible idea; they get all nervous and give the wrong answers." -- A Bit of Fry and Laurie
TO E.R. IS HUMAN The S.C.R.U.B.S. catalog (Simply Comfortable Really Unique Basic Scrubs) which includes accessories like "colored ScopeCoats" for your stethoscope, offers the most amazing variety of patterns for jackets and surgical tops. To name a few: Cream Frog Vacation, Black Bunny Fields, Country Snowmen, Jesters, Theatrical Mask, Fairies and Wolf. There's also Aqua Frog Frenzy, Ribbit E.R., Bear Busy, Witches Brew, Midnight Cowboy, Rococo Mocha, Big Band and Urbanflage. What no Patched Adams?
"Shakespeare was about 46 when the King James Version of the Bible was written. Well, in Psalms 46, the 46th word from the first word is 'shake' and the 46th word from the last word is 'spear.'" -- Phil's Phunny Phacts
BEDTIME READING Some "Children's Books You'll Never See" from a Washington Post contest: You Were an Accident - Strangers Have the Best Candy - Some Kittens Can Fly! - The Attention Deficit Disorder Association's Book of Wild Animals of North America. Hey! Let's Go Ride Our Bikes! - How to Dress Sexy for Grownups - All Dogs Go to Hell - Katy Was So Bad Her Mom Stopped Loving Her - When Mommy and Daddy Don't Know the Answer They Say God Did It - Why Can't Mr. Fork and Ms. Electrical Outlet Be Friends? - Garfield Gets Feline Leukemia - What Is That Dog Doing to That Other Dog? - Bi-Curious George - Daddy Drinks Because You Cry - Mister Policeman Eats His Service Revolver - You Are Different and That's Bad. This list is good.
"I stopped believing in Santa Claus when my mother took me to see him in a department store, and he asked for my autograph." -- Shirley Temple
YIPES, STRIPES!!! Impeachment Cheap Justice William Rehnquist claims that those snazzy sleeve decorations he sports on his robes are an hommage to the Lord High Chancellor in Gilbert and Sulivan's "Iolanthe" who sings, "The Law is the true embodiment of everything that's excellent. It has no kind of fault or flaw and I my Lords, embody the law." If memory serves, I recall that the Chancellor also sings of being a guardian to several young ladies -- "All agreable girls, and none are over the age of twenty-one." I guess as Alan Watts was wont to say, "The only thing we've ever learned from history is that we never learn from history..."
"It's not over til the fat lady goes down on you..." PP
DOWN WITH THE SHIP Veteran Showboat performer, Betty Bryant sailed away recently at the age of 76. Her daddy was riverboat empressario "Captain Billy" who's productions of "Ten Nights in a Barroom" kept the family afloat. In her book "Here Comes the Showboat" Betty says "A dependable leading lady must be able to run, duck, fall, get up, fall again, crawl over a bed and under a dresser, scream, swing by a rope, deliver an uppercut, struggle and kick and still have enough breath to say, 'If this is aristocracy,thank God I'm a country girl.'" Or was that a quote from "The Paula Jones Story"?
"A lawyer is a person who writes a 10,000 word document and calls it a 'brief.'" -- Franz Kafka
+++++++++++(2/1/99)++++++++++ * PLANET PROCTOR: www.planetproctor.com * FIRESIGN SITE: www.firesigntheatre.com * FIREZINE: $15.00 per annum: www.intrepid.net/~firezine/ * FIRESIGN PRODUCT: www.lodestone-media.com * FUNNY TIMES: www.funnytimes.com
PLANET PROCTOR (C) 1999 by Phil Proctor
Subject: Fish, fun, foolish farceDate: Sun, 31 Jan 1999 13:47:23 -0800
From: Magic Mike B <Mike@funandmagic.comOrganization: http://funandmagic.com/
To: "MagicMailout bcc's" <"MagicMailout bcc's"@funandmagic.com
Hi,
Today's wallpaper for your desktop is an underwater shot
of Gulf Coast Fish from the Snap-Shot site. It comes in 800 and 640 sizes.
http://funandmagic.com/photolinks2.htm Here's some fun for you http://foxnews.com/views/hiers/041798.gif
I'm off for a quick bite. Enjoy the Super Bowl. Tell me who's playing.Have a super magic day and pass it on.
Magic Mike
http://funandmagic.com/magicjokeparlor.htm
PREGNANCY AND GIVING BIRTH
Q. Am I more likely to get pregnant if my husband wears boxers rather than briefs? A. Yes, but you'll have an even better chance if he doesn't wear anything at all.
Q. What do you call a pregnancy that begins while using birth control? A. A misconception.
Q. Can a woman get pregnant from a toilet seat? A. Yes, but the baby would be awfully funny looking.
Q. What is the easiest way to figure out exactly when I got pregnant? A. Have sex once a year.
Q. What is a chastity belt? A. A labor-saving device.
Q. When does a woman's biological clock start ticking? A. Right after she looks in the mirror and thinks, "On my God, crow's feet!"
Q. What is the most common pregnancy craving? A. For men to be the ones who get pregnant.
Q. I normally wear a size 34-C bra. Now that I'm pregnant, should I continue to wear a bra? A. Not if you don't mind switching in the future to a size 34-Long.
Q. What is the most reliable method to determine a baby's sex? A. Childbirth.
Q. My blood type is O-positive and my husband's is A-negative. What if my baby is born, say, type AB-positive? A. Then the jig is up.
Q. Should I have a baby after 35? A. No, 35 children is enough.
Q. My husband and I are very attractive. I'm sure our baby will be beautiful enough for commercials. Whom should I contact about this? A. Your therapist.
Q. I'm two months pregnant now. When will my baby move? A. With any luck, right after he finishes college.
Q. How will I know if my vomiting is morning sickness or the flu? A. If it's the flu, you'll get better.
Q. My brother tells me that since my husband has a big nose, and genes for big noses are dominant, my baby will have a big nose as well. Is this true? A. The odds are greater that your brother will have a fat lip.
Q. Does pregnancy affect a woman's memory? A. I don't remember.
Q. Since I became pregnant, my breasts, rear end, and even my feet have grown. Is there anything that gets smaller during pregnancy? A. Yes, your bladder.
Q. Ever since I've been pregnant, I haven't been able to go to bed at night without onion rings. Is this a normal craving? A. Depends on what your doing with them.
Q. The more pregnant I get, the more often strangers smile at me. Why? A. Cause your fatter then they are.
Q. My wife is five months pregnant and so moody that sometimes she's borderline irrational. A. So what's your question?
Q. Will I love my dog less when the baby is born? A. No, but your husband might get on your nerves.
Q. Under what circumstances can sex at the end of pregnancy bring on labor? A. When the sex is between your husband and another woman.
Q. What's the difference between a nine-months pregnant woman and a Playboy centerfold? A. Nothing, if the pregnant woman's husband knows what's good for him.
Q. What position should the baby be in during the ninth month of pregnancy? A. Head down, pressing firmly on your bladder.
Q. What's the best way to get a man to give up his seat to a pregnant woman? A. Brute force.
Q. How do I know if my baby has dropped? A. He/She will start crying. Be more careful!
Q. How long is the average woman in labor? A. Whatever she says, divided by two.
Q. My childbirth instructor says it's not pain I'll feel during labor, but pressure. Is she right? A. Yes, in the same way that a tornado might be called an air current.
Q. When is the best time to get an epidural? A. Right after you find out you're pregnant.
Q. Is there any reason I have to be in the delivery room while my wife is in labor? A. Not unless the word "alimony" means anything to you.
Q. I'm modest. Once I'm in the hospital to deliver, who will see me in that delicate position? A. Authorized personnel only--doctors, nurses, orderlies, photographers, florists, cleaning crews, journalists, etc.
Q. What does it mean when the baby's head is crowning? A. It means you feel as thought not only a crown but the entire throne is trying to make it's way out of you.
Q. What are forceps? A. Giant baby tweezers.
Q. Does anyone in this country still give birth in the fields? A. Not on purpose.
Q. Is there anything I should avoid while recovering from childbirth? A. Yes, pregnancy.
Q. Does labor cause hemorrhoids? A. Labor causes anything you want to blame it for.
Q. Under what circumstances should a baby not be circumcised? A. When it's a girl, for starters.
Q. Where is the best place to store breast milk? A. In your breasts.
Q. Is there a safe alternative to breast pumps? A. Yes, baby lips.
Q. What does it mean when a baby is born with teeth? A. It means that the baby's mother may want to rethink her plans to nurse.
Q. How does one sanitize nipples? A. Bathe daily and wear a clean bra. It beats boiling them in a saucepan.
Q. What are the terrible twos? A. Your breasts after baby stops nursing cold turkey.
Q. What is the best time to wean the baby from nursing? A. When you see teeth marks.
Q. What is the grasp reflex? A. The reaction of new father's when he sees new mother's breasts.
Q. Can a mother get pregnant while nursing? A. Yes, but it's much easier if she removes the baby from her breast and puts him to sleep first.
Q. What happens to disposable diapers after they're thrown away? A. They are stored in a silo in the Midwest, in the event of global chemical warfare.
Q. Do I have to have a baby shower? A. Not if your change the baby's diaper very quickly.
Q. What causes baby blues? A. Tanned, hard-bodied bimbos.
Q. Nannies aren't cheap are they? A. Not usually, but occasionally you'll find a floozy.
Q. What is colic? A. A reminder for new parents to use birth control.
Q. What are night terrors? A. Frightening episodes in which the new mother dreams she's pregnant again.
Q. Our baby was born last week. When will my wife begin
to feel and act normal again? A. When the kids are in college.
-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=
-=-=-=-=-=
Speaking Southern
Exclamations: "Well knock me down and steal muh teeth!" Well, butter my butt and call me a biscuit." "Ahm fixin ta do that"
Threats: "I'll slap you so hard, your clothes will be outta style." "This'll jar your preserves." "Don't you be makin' me open a can o' whoop-ass on ya!"
Good Things/Compliments: "Cute as a sack full of puppies." "Gooder than grits."
The Weather: "It's so dry, the trees are bribing the dogs." "It's been hotter'n a goat's butt in a pepper patch." "Wintery roads are said to be "slicker than otter snot."
Descriptions: A bothersome person is "like a booger that you can't thump off." When something is bad then you say, "that ain't no count." If something is hard to do, it's "like trying to herd cats." "He ran like his feet was on fire and his ass was catchin." A hectic schedule keeps you "Busier than a cat covering crap on a marble floor."
Insults: "She's uglier than homemade soap."
"Your momma's so fat, when she stepped up on the scale to beweighed,
it said 'To be continued'." "He fell out of the ugly tree and
hit every branch on the way down." "Uglier than a lard bucket
full of armpits." "The wheels still turning, but the hamsters
dead" Any insulting statement is always followed by "bless his/her
heart." She's dumber than a door knob, bless her heart.
-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=
-=-=-=-=-=-=-
In a mental institution a nurse walks into a room and sees
a patient acting like he's driving a car. The nurse asks him,"Charlie
what are you doing?" Charlie replied, "Driving to Chicago!"
The nurse wishes him a good trip and leaves the room. The next day the
nurse enters Charlie's room just as he stops driving his imaginary car
and asks, Well Charlie, how you doing?" Charlie says, "I just
got into Chicago" "Great," replied the nurse. The nurse
leaves Charlie's room and goes across the hall into Bob's room and finds
Bob sitting on his bed masturbating vigorously. With surprise she asks,
"Bob what are you doing!" Bob says.."I'm screwing Charlie's
wife while he's in Chicago!"
-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=
-=-=-=-=-=-=-
An applican't was filling out a job application. When he came
to the question, "Have you ever been arrested?" he wrote, "No."
The next question, intended for people who had answered in the affirmative
to the previous question, was "Why?" The applican't answered it
anyway: "Never got caught."
-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=
-=-=-=
During a course in human sexuality, the instructor was discussing
various items in the Kinsey report. The class members gasped audibly when
the instructor read out that a womanhad several hundred orgasms in a single
session. A male voice said, 'Wow, who was she?' A female voice followed
with, 'The hell with that ... who was HE!
-=--=-=-=-=
-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=---=-=
-=-=-=-=
A handsome young lad went into the hospital for some minor
surgery and the day after the procedure, a friend stopped by to see how
the guy was doing. The friend was amazed at the number of Nurses who entered
the room in short intervals with refreshments, offers to fluff his pillows,
make the bed, give back rubs, etc. 'Why all the attention ?' the friend
asked. 'You look fine to me.' 'I know !' grinned the patient. 'But the
Nurses kinda formed a little fan club when they all heard that my circumcision
required twenty-seven stitches.
-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=
-=-=-=
Does the First letter of your name suit you ? Seek the first
letter of your first name....and what a surprise....does it suit you?
A You are not particularly romantic, but you are interested in action. You mean business. With you, what you see is what you get. You have no patience for flirting and can't be bothered with someone who is trying to be coy, cute, demure, and subtly enticing. You are an up-front person. When it comes to sex, it's action that counts, not obscure hints. Your mate's physical attractivesness is important to you. You find the chase and challenge of the "hunt" invigorating. You are passionate and sexual as well as being much more adventurous than you appear; however, you do not go around advertising these qualities. Your physical needs are your primary concern.
B You give off vibes of lazy sensuality. You enjoy being romanced, wined, and dined. You are very happy to receive gifts as an expression of the affection of your lover. You want to be pampered and know how to pamper your mate. You are private in your expression of endearments, and particular when it comes to lovemaking. You will hold off until everything meets with your approval. You can control your appetite and abstain from sex if need be. You require new sensations and experiences. You are will to experiment.
C You are a very social individual, and it is important to you to have a relationship. You require closeness and togetherness. You must be able to talk to your sex partner - before, during, and after. You want the object of your affection to be socially acceptable and good-looking. You see your lover as a friend and companion. You are very sexual and sensual, needing someone to appreciate and almost worship you. When this cannot be achieved, you have the ability to go for long periods without sexual activity. You are an expert at controlling your desires and doing without.
D Once you get it into your head that you want someone, youmove full steam ahead in pursuit. You do not give up your quest easily.You are nurturing and caring. If someone has a problem, this turns you on. You are highly sexual, passionate, loyal, and intense in your involvements, sometimes possessive and jealous. Sex to you is a pleasure to be enjoyed. You are stimulated by the eccentric and unusual, having a free and open attitude.
E Your greatest need is to talk. If your date is not a good listener, you have trouble relating. A person must be intellectually stimulating or you are not interested sexually. You need a friend for a lover and a companion for a bedmate. You hate disharmony anddisruption, but you do enjoy a good argument once in a while-it seems to stir things up. You flirt a lot, for the challenge is more important than the sexual act for you. But once you give your heart away, you are uncompromisingly loyal. When you don't have a good lover to fall asleep with, you will fall asleep with a good book. {Sometimes, in fact, you prefer agood book.)
F You are idealistic and romantic, putting your lover on a pedestal. You look for the very best mate you can find. You are a flirt, yet once committed, you are very loyal. You are sensuous, sexual, and privately passionate. Publicly, you can be showy, extravagant, and gallant. You are born romantic. Dramatic love scenes are a favorite fantasy pastime. You can be a very generous lover.
G You are fastidious, seeking perfection within yourself andyour lover. You respond to a lover who is your intellectual equal or superior, and one who can enhance your status. You are sensuous and know how to reach the peak of erotic stimulation, because you work at it meticulously. You can be extremely active sexually-that is, when you find the time. Your duties and responsibilities take precedence over everything else. You may have difficulty getting emotionally close to a lover, but no trouble getting close sexually.
H You seek a mate who can enhance your reputation and your earning ability. You will be very generous to your lover once you have attained a commitment. Your gifts are actually an investment in your partner. Before the commitment, though, you tend to be frugal in your spending and dating habits, and equally cautious in your sexual involvements. You are a sensual and patient lover.
I You have a great need to be loved, appreciated... even worshipped. You enjoy luxury, sensuality, and pleasures of the flesh. You look for lovers who know what they are doing. You are not interested in an amateur, unless that amateur wants a tutor. You are fussy and exacting about having your desires satisfied. You are willing to experiment and try new modes of sexual expression. You bore easily and thus require sexual adventure and change. You are more sensual than sexual, but you are sometimes downright lustful.
J You are blessed with a great deal of physical energy. When used for love-making, there is nothing to stop you, except maybe the stamina of your partner. (You could have danced all night.) You respond to the thrill of the chase and the challenge of the mating game. You can carry on great romances in your head. At heart you are a roamer and need to set out on your own every so often. You will carry on long-distance relationships with ease. You are idealistic and need to believe inlove. The sex act seems to satisfy a need to be nurtured deep within.
K You are secretive, self-contained, and shy. You are very sexy, sensual, and passionate, but you do not let on to this. Only in intimate privacy will this part of your nature reveal itself. When it gets down to the nitty-gritty, you are an expert. You know all the little tricks of the trade, can play any role or any game, and take your love life very seriously. You don't fool around. You have the patience to wait for the right person to come along.
L You can be very romantic, attached to the glamour of love.Having a partner is of paramount importance to you. You are free in your expression of love and are willing to take chances, try new sexual experiences and partners, provided it's all in good taste. Brains turn you on. You must feel that your partner is intellectually stimulating,otherwise you will find it difficult to sustain the relationship. You require loving, cuddling, wining, and dining to know that you're being appreciated.
M You are emotional and intense. When involved in a relationship, you throw your entire being into it. Nothing stops you; there are no holds barred. You are all-consuming and crave someone who is equally passionate and intense. You believe in total sexual freedom. You are willing to try anything and everything. Your supply of sexual energy is inexhaustible.You also enjoy mothering your mate.
N You may appear innocent, unassuming, and shy; but we know that appearances can lie. When it comes to sex, you are no novice but something of a skilled technician. You can easily go to extremes,though, running the gamut from insatiability to boredom with thewhole idea of sex. You can be highly critical of you mate, seeking perfection in both of you. It is not easy to find someone who can meet your standards. You have difficulty expressing emotions and drawing close to lovers.
O You are very interested in sexual activities yet secretiveand shy about your desires. You can rechannel much of your sexual energy into making money and/or seeking power. You can easily have extended periods of celibacy. You are a passionate, compassionate, sexual lover, requiring the same qualities from your mate. Sex is serious business; thus you demand intensity diversity, and are willing to try anything or anyone.Sometimes your passions turn to possessiveness, which must be kept in check.
P You are very conscious of social proprieties. You wouldn't think of doing anything that might harm your image or reputation.Appearances count. Therefore, you require a good-looking partner. You also require an intelligent partner. Oddly enough, you may view your partner as your enemy...a good fight stimulates those sex vibes. You are relatively free of sexual hang-ups. You are willing to experiment and try new ways of doing things. You are very social and sensual; you enjoy flirting and need a good deal of physical gratification.
Q You require constant activity and stimulation. You have tremendous physical energy. It is not easy for a partner to keep up with you, sexually or otherwise. You are an enthusiastic lover and tend to be attracted to people of other ethnic groups. You need romance, hearts and flowers, and lots of conversation to turn you on and keep you going.
R You are a no-nonsense, action-oriented individual. You need someone who can keep pace with you and who is your intellectual equal-the smarter the better. You are turned on more quickly by a great mind than by a great body. However, physical attractiveness is very important to you. You have to be proud of your partner. You are privately very sexy, but you do not show this outwardly. If your new lover is not all that great in bed, you are willing to serve as teacher. Sex is important; you can be a very demanding playmate.
S For you, it is business before pleasure. If you are in any way bothered by career, business, or money concerns, you find it very hard to relax and get into the mood. You can be romantically idealistic to a fault and are capable of much sensuality. But you never lose control of your emotions. You are very careful and cautious before you give your heart away-and your body, for that matter. Once you make the commitment, though, you stick like glue.
T You are very sensitive, private, and sexually passive; you like a partner who takes the lead. You get turned on by music, soft lights, and romantic thoughts. You fantasize and tend to fall in and out of love. When in love, you are romantic, idealistic, mushy, and extremely changeable. You enjoy having your senses and your feelings stimulated, titillated, and teased. You are a great flirt. You can make your relationships fit your dreams, all in your own head.
U You are enthusiastic and idealistic when in love. When not in love, you are in love with love, always looking for someone to adore. You see romance as a challenge. You are a roamer and need adventure,excitement, and freedom. You deal in potential relationships. You enjoy giving gifts and enjoy seeing your mate look good. Your sex drive is strong and you desire instant gratification. You are willing to put your partner's pleasures above your own.
V You are individualistic, and you need freedom, space, and excitement. You wait until you know someone well before committing yourself. Knowing someone means psyching him out. You feel a need to get into his head to see what makes him tick. You are attracted to eccentric types. Often there is an age difference between you and your lover. You respond to danger, thrills, and suspense. The gay scene turns you on, even though you yourself may not be aparticipant.
W You are very proud, determined, and you refuse to take no for an answer when pursuing love. Your ego is at stake. You are romantic, idealistic, and often in love with love itself, not seeing your partner as he or she really is. You feel deeply and throw all of yourself into your relationships. Nothing is too good for your lover. You enjoy playing love games.
X You need constant stimulation because you bore quickly. You can handle more than one relationship at a time with ease. You can't shut off your mind. You talk while you make love. You can have the greatest love affairs, all by yourself, in your own head.
Y You are sexual, sensual, and very independent. If you can't have it your way, you will forgo the whole thing. You want to control your relationships, which doesn't always work out too well. You respond to physical stimulation, enjoy necking and spending hours just touching, feeling, and exploring. However, if you can spend your time making money, you will give up the pleasures of the flesh for the moment. You need to prove to yourself and your partner what a great lover you are. You want feedback on your performance. You are an open, stimulating, romantic bedmate.
Z You are very romantic, idealistic, and somehow you believe that to love means to suffer. You wind up serving your mate or attracting people who have unusual troubles. You see yourself as your lover's savior. You are sincere, passionate, lustful, and dreamy. You can't help falling in love. You fantasize and get turned on by movies and magazines. You do not tell others of this secret life, nor of your sexual fantasies. You are easily aroused sexually...
Subject: Wise owl wallpaper, Clinton body countDate: Sat, 30 Jan 1999 10:20:19 -0800
From: Magic Mike B <Mike@funandmagic.comOrganization: http://funandmagic.com/
To: "MagicMailout bcc's" <"MagicMailout bcc's"@funandmagic.com
Hi,
Here is a great close-up of an owl from the people at Snap-Shot.
Load it at http://funandmagic.com/photolinks2.htm The whole site had a 1,000
visitors a day the last two days. Keep on passing the word and THANKS!Have a magic day and pass it on!
Magic Mike
http://funandmagic.com/magicjokeparlor.htm
THE CLINTON BODY COUNT Copyright 1999 by Chris White info@dailyprobe.com
HOW MANY MORE WILL HE MURDER BEFORE WE STOP THIS MADMAN?
WASHINGTON, DC (DPI) - By now most everyone in America, if not the entire world, has seen the document which has come to be known as the "Clinton Body Count." This is a frightening list of upwards of sixty people who have died under mysterious circumstances after having had some interaction with William Jefferson Clinton.
While an occasional headache or gastrointestinal distress could be overlooked, there are simply too many people dropping like flies in the wake of our President, and The Daily Probe refuses to overlook this murder spree any longer. So we sent our investigative team, TeamProbe, to find out what is going on across our great country.
To our shock, TeamProbe found a large number of names which need to be added to the infamous list, which we detail below. America, we cannot allow this to continue! Write your local politicians and demand that we throw this sexually-deviant, godless, immoral, bad role model, spineless, marijuana-loving, saxophone-playing hillbilly in the slammer where he belongs!! Even if he *is* a better president than most of his predecessors.
Here are the additions to the "Clinton Body Count":
* Betty Lou Furbish, Nashville, TN -- This 6 year-old died suddenly of an earache after refusing to listen to a story read by then- Governor Clinton back in 1989.
* Billy Wayne Coe, Stafford, TX -- Died of mysterious causes after ingesting turpentine. Shook Clinton's hand at a rally in 1991.
* Ralph Compton, Paris, TX -- Dallas businessman who died of complications resulting from an ingrown toenail after defeating the President in a game of golf in 1994.
* Calvin Jones, Malibu CA -- Teenager who plummeted 230 feet over the side of a cliff after his skateboard lost a wheel on the same road the President's motorcade had traveled just a day earlier.
* Miriam Wood, Battle Creek, MI -- Tourist sucked into the grave of Alexander Hamilton when Hamilton's corpse first began to spin out of control.
* John Doe #1 -- Unidentified homeless man found along an Arkansas roadway. In his pocket was found a single dollar bill with Robert Rubin's signature on it. Rubin is Clinton's Secretary of the Treasury.
* Melissa Bleary, Phoenix, AZ -- Crushed by a glacier a mere three years after calling Hillary Clinton's health plan "hog wash."
* Ida Mae Jackson, Little Rock, AR -- The coroner rules that this maid of a local Best Western Motel died of heat stroke after her body was found stuffed into an industrial dryer in May of 1990. Rumor has it that she bragged about having a towel with Governor Clinton's "personal seal" on it.
* Gary Lee Hagar, Fayetteville, AR -- Disappeared and was never heard from again after the seat in an outhouse he was using gave way in January of 1992. The outdoor toilet in question was on the grounds of the Arkansas Governor's mansion.
* Linda Satsuma, Washington, DC -- Died of acute revulsion after she inhaled an entire cup of hot coffee into her lungs in April, 1993. The incident occurred as the President jogged past her with nothing supporting his genitalia under his shorts.
* Kelly Roxanne May and Leanne Barrett, Jonesboro, AK -- These roommates long suspected of having trysts with Governor Clinton perished under suspicious circumstances after a tornado picked up their trailer and flung it half a mile in 1990. What the coroner's report fails to mention is that this occurred a full two days BEFORE the beginning of tornado season.
* Max Schraeder, Knoxville, TN -- Clinton impersonator who choked to death on a Big Mac at a McDonald's in Greensboro, NC, in 1995 -- just as he was doing a bit about Mr. Clinton's libido.
* Leia Walker, Chevy Chase, MD -- Died from ingesting a lysteria bacteria contaminated hot dog. Beat out Chelsea Clinton for a ballet solo in 1993.
* Getrude Waters, Omaha, NE -- Died of congestive heart failure at the age of 108. Coroner inexplicably ruled she died of "natural causes." Voted for George Bush in 1992.
* Peter Frank, Hamburg, Germany -- Died January 21, 1918 from influenza. Frank's brother, Fritz Frank, would go on to become a prominent German politician, and a chief supporter of the Clinton administration.
* Simon Rabinovitch, New York, NY -- Died in a car accident June, 1992, after leaving taping of Arsenio Hall show on which candidate Clinton entertained the crowd with his "saxophone." Suspicously, the autopsy NEVER CHECKED whether any poison gas dispersed from Clinton's saxophone might have been the cause of Rabinovitch's "accident."
* Anwar Sin Gudfur, Katmandu, Nepal -- Died from injuries received from runaway ox cart on January 17, 1998, the day of Clinton's deposition testimony in the Paula Jones trial.
* Eddie Hazel, Paterson, NJ -- Died December 23, 1992, of complic- ations arising from liver failure. Lead guitarist, arguably main creative force in both of Clinton's well-known funk bands, Parliament and Funkadelic.
* Leo Boecker, Fredrick, MI -- Died of meningitis in August, 1996. Four years earlier, he made the unfortunate mistake of laughing at a Clinton joke at a friend's house.
* Hester Windicott, Washington, DC -- Died from a mysterious, in- explicable skin rash and rattling cough. In 1997, she flipped the bird to the Presidential motorcade when she and her shopping cart were held up for fifteen minutes on 17th St.
* Louis McKenzie, San Jose, CA -- Died of "self-inflicted" gunshot wound from a bazooka. The lifelong NRA member was known by friends and family members to be critical of Clinton's gun control efforts.
* Bowser, East Brunswick, NJ -- Golden retriever hit by a mail truck in September, 1998, after having growled at his master's TV during a broadcast of Clinton's grand jury testimony.
* Marcia Lewellyn, Tulsa, OK -- Died of an allergic reaction to polyester. Had never met Clinton, but was wearing a blue dress from The Gap at the time of her death.
* James B. Hardison, Tampa, FL -- Died of Sudden Infant Death Syndrome at age 3 months in July, 1998. Father had publicly expressed doubts as to whether Clinton was innocent of perjury charges.
* Louis Hampton, San Diego, CA -- Self-styled paparazzo who once attempted to photograph Clinton while jogging. Died in hospital of complications after being knocked down and trampled by several secret service men.
* Edward L. Paulson, Kansas City, MO -- Former White House janitor during the Bush administration and first few months of the Clinton administration. Claimed Vice President Gore took away his favorite mop, insisting he use a cheaper one. Died in his home of a broken heart in April, 1993.
* Nearly the entire population of Slant Lick, TN, pop. 848, took part in a mass suicide using doctored McDonald's shakes just a week ago. The only survivor, a mayor's aide named Marlin Batson, said, "During the State Of The Union Address, when he mouthed, 'I Love You' to Hillary, it just pushed us over the edge. We had to end the pain."
* John F. Kennedy, Dallas, TX -- Met Bill Clinton at White House reception in spring of 1963. Assassinated after announcing his ambition to be the last two-term Democratic President of the 20th century. At first there doesn't seem to be a connection, but JFK was a president JUST LIKE Bill Clinton. He was linked to sexual indiscretions JUST LIKE Bill Clinton. And the most damning piece of evidence: close examination of pictures taken of the "grassy knoll" in Dallas' Dealy Plaza on the day of JFK's assassination, using an advanced scanning electron microscope, reveals the shape of a young Bill Clinton "interviewing an intern" behind a bush.
* Nicole Brown Simpson & Ron Goldman, Brentwood, CA -- Two Clinton supporters mysteriously died on Sunday, June 12th, 1994, exactly 327 days after Vince Foster was murdered. Despite repeated calls from respected African-American community activist O.J. Simpson for a nationwide search for the "real killers," Clinton crony Janet Reno still refuses to appoint an independent counsel.
* Arsenio Hall's career, Hollywood, CA -- Died 1992 after an appearance by then-candidate Clinton.
* Bill Maher, Hollywood, CA -- Host of the show, "Politically Incorrect," Maher began to appear increasingly cadaverous during the last few months of the show, and was finally revealed to be an animatronic device provided by ABC partner Disney, Inc. To this day, nobody knows what became of the real Maher, but it is believed that he died as a result of writing numerous jokes about Clinton and the impeachment proceedings.
* Paul McCartney, Liverpool, UK -- Member of pop band "The Beatles." Died and replaced with vat-grown clone after he discovered Clinton hiding from the Draft in England in 1967. If you play the inner track of The Beatles' "White Album" backwards twice, you can clearly hear the words, "Clinton buried Paul."
* Kenny McCormick, South Park, IN -- Oh my God! He killed
Kenny!
-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=--=--=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=--=--=Top Ten Potential Titles for Ms. Lewenski's new book:
10: I Suck At My Job 9: What Really Goes Down In The White
House 8: How I Blew It In Washington 7: Testing the Limits of the Gag Rule
6: Going Back for Gore 5: Going Down and Moving Up 4: Secret Services to
the President 3: Deep Inside The Oval Office 2: How To Beat Off the Government
1: Me and My Big Mouth
-=-=-=-=-=
-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=---=-=
Finally, something other than smiley faces...
(o)(o) Perfect breasts
( + )( + ) Fake silicone breasts
(*)(*) High-nipple breasts
(@)(@) Big-nipple breasts
oo A cups
{ O }{ O } D cups
(oYo) Wonder Bra breasts
( ^ )( ^ ) Cold breasts
(o)(O) Lopsided breasts
(Q)(O) Pierced breasts
(p)(p) Hanging tassels breasts
\o/\o/ Grandma's breasts
( - )( - ) Flat-against-the-shower-door breasts
oo Android breasts
($)($) Jenny McCarthy's breastsSubject: funny storms, butterfly
Date: Fri, 29 Jan 1999 09:14:23 -0800
From: Magic Mike B <Mike@funandmagic.comOrganization: http://funandmagic.com/
To: "MagicMailout bcc's" <"MagicMailout bcc's"@funandmagic.com
Hi,
Today's photo link is a butterfly on a flower in rich vibrant
color. http://funandmagic.com/photolinks2.htm Well are you experiencing any
of those "funny storms"? We had 45 mile an hour winds last night
and pounding rain. Seattle never gets harsh weather like that. Snow fell
in Southern California. Hurricanes. Tornadoes. And the Impeachment has
the highway all clogged up making people late for work. Like Thorton Wilder
said in "By The Skin Of Our Teeth (recommended) ..."everything
is sixes and sevens! Sixes and Sevens!! It's just so confusing." -
George Artibus (inventor of the wheel). Have a magic day. Feel free to
forward this daily in it's entirety Magic Mike parlor.htm
-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=
Interesting Observation Department:
The only three US presidents who ever had to deal with real or impending impeachment -- Andrew Johnson, Richard Nixon and Bill Clinton -- all have names that are euphemisms for "penis" -- johnson, dick and willie.
Who says it isn't about sex?
-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=---=
A businessman and his secretary, overcome by passion, go
to his house for an early afternoon "quickie." "Don't worry,"
he purrs. "My wife is out of town on a business trip, so there's no
risk." As one thing leads to another, the woman reaches into her purse
and suddenly gasps, "We have to stop, I forgot to bring birth control!"
"No problem," her lover replies. "I'll get my wife's diaphragm."
After a few minutes of searching, he returns to the bedroom in a fury.
"That witch!" he exclaims. "She took it with her! I always
knew she didn't trust me!"
-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=
"Computer Term Dictionary"
586: The average IQ needed to understand a PC.
State-of-the-art: Any computer you can't afford.
Obsolete: Any computer you own.
Microsecond: The time it takes for your state-of-the-art computer to become obsolete.
G3: Apple's new Macs that make you say, "Gee, it's three times faster than the computer I bought for the same price a microsecond ago."
Syntax Error: Walking into a computer store and saying, "Hi, I want to buy a computer and money is no object."
Hard Drive: The sales technique employed by computer salesmen, especially after a Syntax Error.
GUI (pronounced "gooey"): What your computer becomes after spilling your coke on it.
Keyboard: The standard way to generate computer errors.
Mouse: An advanced input device to make computer errors easier to generate.
Floppy: The state of your wallet after purchasing a computer.
Portable Computer: A device invented to force businessmen to work at home, on vacation, and on business trips.
Disk Crash: A typical computer response to any critical deadline.
System Update: A quick method of trashing ALL of your software.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
"Layman's Computer Terms"
BIT: A word used to describe computers, as in "Our son's computer cost quite a bit."
BOOT: What your friends give you because you spend too much time bragging about your computer skills.
BUG: What your eyes do after you stare at the tiny green computer screen for more than 15 minutes. Also: what computer magazine companies do to you after they get your name on their mailing list.
CHIPS: The fattening, non-nutritional food computer users eat to avoid having to leave their keyboards for meals.
COPY: What you have to do during school tests because you spend too much time at the computer and not enough time studying.
CURSOR: What you turn into when you can't get your computer to perform, as in "You $#% computer!"
DISK: What goes out in your back after bending over a computer keyboard for seven hours at a clip.
DUMP: The place all your former hobbies wind up soon after you install your computer.
ERROR: What you made the first time you walked into a computer showroom to "just look."
EXPANSION UNIT: The new room you have to build on to your home to house your computer and all its peripherals.
FILE: What your secretary can now do to her nails six and a half hours a day, now that the computer does her day's work in 30 minutes.
FLOPPY: The condition of a constant computer user's stomach due to lack of exercise and a steady diet of junk food (see Chips").
HARDWARE: Tools, such as lawnmowers, rakes and other heavy equipment you haven't laid a finger on since getting your computer.
IBM: The kind of missile your family members and friends would like to drop on your computer so you'll pay attention to them again.
MENU: What you'll never see again after buying a computer because you'll be too poor to eat in a restaurant.
MONITOR: Often thought to be a word associated with computers, this word actually refers to those obnoxious kids who always want to see your hall pass at school.
PROGRAMS: Those things you used to look at on your television before you hooked your computer up to it.
RETURN: What lots of people do with their computers after only a week and a half.
TERMINAL: A place where you can find buses, trains and really good deals on hot computers.
WINDOW: What you heave the computer out of after you accidentally erase a program that took you three days to set up.
Subject: Parrots
Date: Thu, 28 Jan 1999 09:41:37 -0800
From: Magic Mike B <Mike@funandmagic.comOrganization: http://funandmagic.com/
To: "MagicMailout bcc's" <"MagicMailout bcc's"@funandmagic.com
Hi,
Today's photo is of two beautiful red parrots, preening.
http://funandmagic.com/photolinks2.htm It's a shame when people exhibit animosity
towards their spouse. I don't subscribe to the attitude in the jokes that
we often see. The only reason I send them is so we can laugh about that
view. Here is a cool site, with an info game for you and your kids about
animals. http://www.wwf.org/legacy/ Regarding the Washington news, I forgot
to mention the other Great Irony. Monica's NEXT DOOR NEIGHBOR'S at WATERGATE,
were Robert and Elizabeth DOLE! The man Clinton defeated and the woman
running for President! Now the story is that Monica flashed Clinton when
she was in a room with him for the first time with a group of people. Who
would DO THAT? She must have been told that Clinton would respond. What
kind of person on their first time meeting the President flashes skin?
It's hard to believe we are actually going through this. Sometimes I think
its just a weird dream and we'll wake up and it will have disappeared.
It's like something The Firesign Theater could have written. (no offense,
Phil.)
Have a magic day and pass it on.
Magic Mike
parlor.htm
Stop by the new recipe, links, and wav pages and listen to
Elvis before I add a new one!
-=-=-=-=-=-=--=--=-===-=-=--=
A guy boards a plane bound for Pittsburgh and sits down in
his seat. He notices immediately that the guy next to him has a black eye.
He says to him," hey this is a coincidence, we both have black eyes,
mind if I ask how you got yours?" The first guy answers, "Well,
it just happened. It was a tongue twister accident. See, I was at the ticket
counter and this gorgeous blonde with the biggest breasts in the world
was behind the counter. So, instead of saying I'd like a ticket to Pittsburgh,
I said I'd like a picket to Tittsburgh. She socked me one." The other
guy answers, "Mine was a tongue twister too.. I was at the breakfast
table and I wanted to say to my wife: Please pour me a bowl of Wheaties.
But I accidentally said: You ruined my life you fucking bitch."
-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=
-=-=-=
5 Questions That Men Fear The questions are:
1. What are you thinking about? 2. Do you love me? 3. Do I look fat? 4. Do you think she is prettier than me? 5. What would you do if I died?
What makes these questions so difficult is that every one is guaranteed to explode into a major argument if the man answers incorrectly (i.e.; tells the truth). Therefore, as a public service, each question is analyzed below, along with possible responses.
Question # 1: What are you thinking about?
The proper answer to this, of course, is: "I'm sorry if I've been pensive, dear. I was just reflecting on what a warm, wonderful, thoughtful, caring, intelligent woman you are, and how lucky I am to have met you." This response obviously bears no resemblance to the true answer, which most likely is one of the following:
a. Baseball. b. Football. c. How fat you are. d. How much prettier she is than you. e. How I would spend the insurance money if you died. (Perhaps the best response to this question was offered by Al Bundy, who once told Peg, "If I wanted you to know what I was thinking, I would be talking to you!")
Question # 2: Do you love me?
The proper response is: "YES!" or, if you feel a more detailed answer is in order, "Yes, dear." Inappropriate responses include:
a. Oh Yeah, shit loads. b. Would it make you feel better if I said yes? c. That depends on what you mean by love. d. Does it matter? e. Who, me?
Question # 3: Do I look fat?
The correct answer is an emphatic: "Of course not!" Among the incorrect answers are:
a. Compared to what? b. I wouldn't call you fat, but you're not exactly thin. c. A little extra weight looks good on you. d. I've seen fatter. e. Could you repeat the question? I was just thinking about how I would spend the insurance money if you died.
Question # 4: Do you think she's prettier than me? Once again, the proper response is an emphatic: "Of course not!"
Incorrect responses include:
a. Yes, but you have a better personality b. Not prettier, but definitely thinner c. Not as pretty as you when you were her age d. Define pretty e. Could you repeat the question? I was just thinking about how I would spend the insurance money if you died.
Question # 5: What would you do if I died? A definite no-win question. (The real answer, of course, is "Buy a Corvette.")
No matter how you answer this, be prepared for at least an hour of follow-up questions, usually along the these lines:
WOMAN: Would you get married again? MAN: Definitely not! WOMAN: Why not - don't you like being married? MAN: Of course I do. WOMAN: Then why wouldn't you remarry? MAN: Okay, I'd get married again. WOMAN: You would? (with a hurtful look on her face) WOMAN: Would you sleep with her in our bed? MAN: Where else would we sleep? WOMAN: Would you put away my pictures, and replace them with pictures of her? MAN: That would seem like the proper thing to do. WOMAN: And would you let her use my golf clubs? MAN: She can't use them; she's left-handed
Subject: 3 new pages! Suspicion!Date: Wed, 27 Jan 1999 10:43:09 -0800
From: Magic Mike B <Mike@funandmagic.comOrganization: http://funandmagic.com/
To: "MagicMailout bcc's" <"MagicMailout bcc's"@funandmagic.com
Hi,
Today's photo link is to a nice quiet pond in Zion National
Park in Utah. http://funandmagic.com/photolinks2.htm Let get this straight:
McDougal says Clinton is lying, McDougal's wife says Clinton is not. Paula
Jones says Clinton is lying. We know that a millionaire who hates Clinton
paid troopers and others to lie. Starr says Clinton is lying. We know that
Starr has received money from the millionaire and hates Clinton. Wiley
says Clinton is lying. A friend of Wiley says Wiley was lying. Then said
Wiley wasn't lying. Tripp worked at Travel Agency and lost her job and
started Travelgate. She worked for Vincent Foster and claimed it wasn't
suicide. She somehow finds Monica and poses as a friend and buys a tape
recorder and makes illegal tapes and really sets out for entrapment. Monica
and Clinton say they are not lying. And Hyde and Livingston had affairs,
too, and Livingston resigned. And Newt had affairs, and told asked his
wife for a divorce in the hospital as she came out of cancer surgery. Now
he is gone. So with that in mind I am announcing three new pages to my
web site. One is WAV of the day. And to kick it off, hear Elvis Presley
singing "Suspicion", a great tune by the king! http://funandmagic.com/coolsoundswavs.html
I can't store too many of these wav's as I have 22 megs of videos on the
site and I didn't want to mail them as attachments at half a meg. So get
them each day and save them if you want them or just listen. Also I have
been getting recipes emailed, so here is a page of them. http://funandmagic.com/Recipes.html
And I have been receiving links. Here is my page of them. http://funandmagic.com/links.htmlHave a magic day and pass it on.
Magic Mike
http://funandmagic.com/magicjokeparlor.htm
-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=
-=-=-=-=-=-=-=
-=-=
This customer comes into the computer store. "I'm looking
for a mystery Adventure Game with lots of graphics. You know, something
really challenging".
"Well," replied the clerk, "have you tried
Windows 98 ?
-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=
-=-=
Many years ago, a baker's assistant called Richard the Pourer,
whose job it was to pour the dough mixture in the making of sausage links,
noted that he was running low on one of the necessary spices, he sent his
apprentice to the store to buy more.
Unfortunately, upon arriving at the shop, the young man
realized that he had forgotten the name of the ingredient. All he could
do was to tell the shopkeeper that . . . it was for Richard the Pourer,
for batter for wurst.
-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=
-=-=
Fact Or Bullcrap
Eating breakfast cereals like "Fruity Pebbles" and "Cap'n Crunch 'Oops All Berries" will cause your stools to come out green. ... (FACT!)
Your feet are bigger in the afternoon than the rest of the day. ... (FACT!)
Pigeons are the result of crossbreeding between a seagull and a dove. ... (BULLCRAP!)
About 20% of all adults in the US have or have had a cockroach that called their inner ear canal HOME. ... (FACT! They enter while you sleep!)
The REAL reason ostriches stick their head in the sand is to search for water. ... (FACT!)
The ONLY animal that can see behind it without turning it's head is the rabbit. ... (BULLCRAP! There are 2 animals. . .the other is the parrot.)
John Travolta turned down the starring roles in "An Officer and a Gentleman" and "Tootsie". ... (FACT!)
Among the music catalogs that Michael Jackson owns the rights to is the South Carolina State anthem. ... (FACT!)
In the original never-before-seen pilot of "Friends," Rachel and Monica are arrested for smoking a joint at a topless beach. ... (BULLCRAP!)
If all the veins in your body were laid end-to-end, you'd be dead. ... (FACT!)
In most television commercials advertising milk, a mixture of white paint and a little thinner is used in place of the milk. ... (FACT!)
Prince Charles and Prince William NEVER travel on the same airplane just in case there is a crash. ... (FACT!)
The first Harley Davidson motorcycle built in 1903 used a tomato can for a carburetor. ... (FACT!)
Most hospitals make money by selling the umbilical cords cut from women who give birth. ... (FACT! They are reused in vein transplant surgery)
Humphrey Bogart was related to Princess Diana. ... (FACT! They were seventh cousins)
If coloring weren't added to Coca-Cola, it would be green.
... (FACT!)
-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=
-=-=-=-=-=-=-
It's the Spring of 1957 and Bobby goes to pick up his date.
He's a pretty hip guy with his own car. When he knocks on the front door,
the girl's father answers and invites him in.
"Carrie's not ready yet, so why don't you have a seat?" he asks.
"That's cool," says Bobby.
Carrie's father asks Bobby what they're planning to do. Bobby replies politely that they will probably just go to the soda shop or a movie. Carrie's father responds, "Why don't you two go out and screw? I hear all the kids are doing it."
Naturally, this comes as a quite a surprise to Bobby, so he asks Carrie's Dad to repeat it. "Yeah," says Carrie's father, "Carrie really likes to screw, she'll screw all night if we let her!"
Well, this just makes Bobby's eyes light up, and immediately revises his
plans for the evening. A few minutes later, Carrie comes downstairs in her little poodle skirt and announces that she's ready to go.
Almost breathless with anticipation, Bobby escorts his date out the front door.
About 20 minutes later, a thoroughly disheveled Carrie rushes back into the house, slams the door behind her, and screams at her father:
"DAMMIT, DADDY! THE TWIST!! IT'S CALLED THE TWIST!!!"
-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=
-=-=-=--=
Two elderly gentlemen, who had been without sex for several
years, decided they needed to visit a whore house. When they arrived at
the whorehouse, the Madame took one look at them and decided she wasn't
going to waste any of her girls on these two old men.
So she used "blowup" dolls instead. She put the dolls in each man's room and left them to their business.
After the two men were finished, they started for home and got to talking. The first man said, "I think the girl I had was dead. She never moved, talked or groaned...how was it for you?" The second man replied, "I think mine was a witch." The first man asked, "How's that?" "Well," said the second man, "when I nibbled on her breast, ... she farted and flew out the window!"Subject: Blockbuster Movie! Starring: Marion Michael Morrison, Charles Buchinski, Roy Harold Scherer Jr, Joe Yule Jr, Jeremiah Schwartz, Demetria Guynes,Doris Kappelhoff
Date: Tue, 26 Jan 1999 09:11:08 -0800
From: Magic Mike B <Mike@funandmagic.comOrganization: http://funandmagic.com/
To: "MagicMailout bcc's" <"MagicMailout bcc's"@funandmagic.com
Hi,
Today I have The Swan or Omega Nebula for you, and Dandelion
on hands and knees, by Jim Coe. http://funandmagic.com/photolinks2.htm . Just
imagine your desire to go see a great movie with the movie stars listed
above! Did you know who they are?
Have a magic day and pass it on.
Magic Mike
http://funandmagic.com/
-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=
-=-=-=-=-=-=-=
-=-
Did you know these Stage Names Versuses the Real Names?
Andy Devine Jeremiah Schwartz
Bobby Darin Walden Robert Cassato
Buddy Hackett Leonard Hacker
Burt Lancaster Burton Stephen Lancaster
Cameron Mitchell Cameron McDowell Mizell
Cary Grant Archibald Leach
Charles Bronson Charles Buchinski
Charlton Heston John Charlton Carter
Cher Cherilyn Sarkesian
Cliff Robertson Clifford Parker Robertson III
David Soul David Richard Solberg
Debbie Reynolds Mary Frances Reynolds
Demi Moore Demetria Guynes
Doris Day Doris Kappelhoff
Eddie Albert Edward Albert Heimberger
Ernest Borgnine Ermes Effron Borgnine
Ethel Merman Ethel Agnes Zimmerman
Gilbert Roland Luis Antonio Damaso de Alonso
Ginger Rogers Virginia Katherine McMath
Glenn Ford Gwyllyn Samuel Newton Ford
Goldie Hawn Goldie Studlendgehawn
Greta Garbo Greta Louisa Gustafsson
Henry Morgan Harry Bratsburg
Hugh O'Brian Hugh Krampke
Jack Benny Benjamin Kubelsky
Jeff Chandler Ira Grossel
Jerry Lewis Joseph Levitch
John Wayne Marion Michael Morrison
June Allyson Ella Geisman
Karl Malden Malden Sekulovich
Keenan Wynn Francis Xavier Aloyisis Wynn
Kirk Douglas Issur Danielovitch Demsky
Michael Caine Maurice Joseph Micklewhite
Mickey Rooney Joe Yule Jr
Natalie Wood Natasha Nikolaevna Gurdin
Paula Prentiss Paula Ragusa
Peter Lawford Peter Sidney Ernest Aylen Lawford
Piper Laurie Rosetta Jacobs
Red Buttons Aaron Chwatt
Rhonda Fleming Marilyn Louis
Rita Hayworth Rita Cansino
Robert Stack Robert Langford Modini
Rock Hudson Roy Harold Scherer Jr
Roy Rogers Leonard Sly
Sigourney Weaver Debra Moorehouse
Steve McQueen Terence Steven McQueen
Stewart Granger James Lablanche Stewart
Susan Hayward Edythe Marrener
Tab Hunter Arthur Gelien
Tony Curtis Bernard Schwartz
Yul Brynner Taidje Khan
-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=
A fellow decides to take off early from work and go drinking.
He stays until the bar closes at 2am, at which time he is extremely drunk.
When he enters his house, he doesn't want to wake anyone, so he takes off
his shoes and starts tip-toeing up the stairs. Half-way up the stairs,
he falls over backwards and lands flat on his rear end. That wouldn't have
been so bad, except that he had couple of empty pint bottles in his back
pockets, and they broke, and the broken glass carved up his buttocks terribly.
But, he was so drunk that he didn't know he was hurt. A few minutes later,
as he was undressing, he noticed blood, so he checked himself out in the
mirror, and, sure enough, his behind was cut up something terrible. Well,
he repaired the damage as best he could under the circumstances, and he
went to bed. The next morning, his head was hurting, and his rear was hurting,
and he was hunkering under the covers trying to think up some good story,
when his wife came into the bedroom. "Well, you really tied one on
last night," she said. "Where'd you go?" "I worked
late," he said, "and I stopped off for a couple of beers."
"A couple of beers? That's a laugh," she replied. "You got
plastered last night. Where the heck did you go?" "What makes
you so sure I got drunk last night, anyway?" "Well," she
replied, "my first big clue was when I got up this morning and found
a bunch of band-aids stuck to the mirror."
-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=
-
These three women were roommates. One night they all had
all gone out on dates and all came home at about the same time.
The first one said, "You know you've been on a good date when you come home with your hair all messed up."
The second one said, "No, you know you've been on a good date when you come home with your makeup all smeared."
The third one said nothing, but reached under her skirt,
removed her panties and threw them against the wall, where they stuck.
She said, "Now THAT'S a good date!!"
-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=
-=-=-=-=
Now that I'm older....here's what I've discovered:
I STARTED out with nothing....I still have most of it.
When did my wild oats turn to prunes and All Bran?
I finally got my head together, now my body is falling apart.
Funny, I don't remember being absent minded.
All reports are in. Life is now officially unfair.
If all is not lost, where is it?
It is easier to get older than it is to get wiser.
The first rule of holes: If you are in one, stop digging.
I went to school to become a wit, only got half-way through..
It was all so different before everything changed.
Some days you're the dog, some days you're the hydrant.
Nostalgia isn't what it used to be.
A day without sunshine is like a day in Seattle.
I wish the buck stopped here. I could use a few...
Kids in the back seat cause accidents; accidents in the back seat cause kids.
It's not the pace of life that concerns me, it's the sudden stop at the end.
It's hard to make a comeback when you haven't been anywhere.
The only time the world beats a path to your door is if you're in the bathroom.
If God wanted me to touch my toes,he would have put them on my knees.
When you're finally holding all the cards, why does everyone else decide to play chess?
Health is merely the slowest possible rate at which one can die.
It's not hard to meet expenses... they're everywhere.
The only difference between a rut and a grave is the depth.
-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=
-=-=-=-=-=
The Top 9 Signs You're Dating a Psychology Major
9. You awake in the middle of the night to a tape repeating, "This time it's true love ... This time it's true love ..."
8. You get an electric shock every time you leave the toilet seat up.
7. Everything she says sounds interesting but has no practical value.
6. A trip to any fast food joint always results in ketchup-and-napkin Rorschach tests.
5. After you fall down the stairs, she asks "How does that make you feel?"
4. Instead of a goodnight kiss, she leaves you with, "Looks like our time's about up."
3. Win one lousy game of Nintendo and suddenly you're a manic bipolar schizophrenic with blatant passive/agressive tendencies.
2. During arguments calmly says, "What I hear is that you can't stand my overly rational, Spock-like approach, and that you feel I should have the stick extracted from my ass. Is that correct?"
... and Number 1 Sign You're Dating a Psychology Major ...
1. You're rewarded with a peanut every time you correctly hit the "G" spot.
http://funandmagic.com/magicjokeparlor.htm
Subject: Native American Art, Leaf insect,Date: Mon, 25 Jan 1999 10:19:22 -0800
From: Magic Mike <Mike@funandmagic.com
Organization: http://funandmagic.com/
To: "MagicMailout bcc's" <"MagicMailout bcc's"@funandmagic.com
Hi,
Here is a painting of Native American Art called The Endless
Search. Also a Leaf Insect adds to the camouflage insect series. parlor.htmHave a magic day. Pass it on.
Magic Mike
parlor.htm
-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=
-=-=-=-=-=-==-
A priest asked a six-year-old boy what his favorite Bible
story was.
"I guess the one about Noah and the ark, where they float on the water for 40 days and 40 nights," replied the boy.
"That was a good story," said the priest. "And, with all that water, I bet they had a good time fishing, don't you think?"
The boy thought for a moment, then replied, "I don't
think so. They only had two worms."
-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=
-=-=-=-
When the paramedics came they broke into the car. Carefully
they removed one hand and then the other from the woman's head. They found
. . . bread dough on the back of her head and in her hands but that there
was no gun shot wound.
Looking around the car for a cause, the paramedics discovered
that a Pillsbury biscuit canister had exploded, apparently from the heat
in the car, making a loud explosion, like that of a gunshot, and the metal
canister top followed by the dough had hit the woman in the back of the
head. When she reached back to find what it was, she felt the dough and
thought it was her brains. She passed out from fright at first, then came
to and held onto her head in an attempt to hold her brains in.
-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=
-=-=-=-=-=-
Subj: Love whispers
"In the arithmetic of love, one plus one equals everything, and two minus one equals nothing." --Mignon McLaughlin
"The reduction of the universe to a single being, the expansion of a single being even to God, this is love." --Victor Hugo
"I think we dream so we don't have to be apart so long. If we're in each others dreams, we can be together all the time." --Hobbes
"I could do without many things with no hardship--you are not one of them." --Ashleigh Brilliant
"As selfishness and complaint pervert and cloud the mind, so love with its joy clears and sharpens the vision." --Helen Keller
"The love of beauty in it's multiple forms is the noblest gift of the human cerebrum." --Alexis Carrel
"All energy is the sum of free will plus love. --Unknown
"For one human being to love another; that is perhaps the most difficult of our tasks; the ultimate, the last test and proof; the work for which all other work is but preparation" --Rainer Maria Rilke
."The heart is half a prophet." --Yiddish Proverb
"You may only be one person to the world but you may also be the world to one person." --Anonymous
"Love is a dream that comes alive when we meet." --Anonymous
"The best way to love is to love like you have never been hurt." --Anonymous
"Love takes off masks that we fear we cannot live without" --James Baldwin
"I never knew how to worship until I knew how to love." --Henry Ward Beecher
"To Love is nothing. To be loved is something. To love and to be loved is everything." --Anonymous
"There is no greater nor easier gift to give, than love. Nor is there any one pain greater than it being stricten from you." --Daniel Alicie
"You will find, as you look back upon your life, that the moments when you have really lived are the moments when you have done things in the spirit of love." -Henry Drummond
"The truth is that there is only one terminal dignity - love. And the story of a love is not important - what is important is that one is capable of love. It is perhaps the only glimpse we are permitted of eternity." --Helen Hayes
"No three words have greater power than 'I Love You'" --unknown
Subject: Sprila galaxy, Pegasus, jokes and a ton of links Date: Sun, 24 Jan 1999 15:06:11 -0800 From: Magic Mike <Mike@funandmagic.com Organization: http://funandmagic.com/ To: "MagicMailout bcc's" <"MagicMailout bcc's"@funandmagic.com
Hi, Here's two space photos for your desktop, a spiral
galaxy and little Pegasus.
http://funandmagic.com/photolinks2.htm
Gotta go. Maybe literally.
Have a magic day and pass it on.
Magic Mike
parlor.htm
-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-
DIARY OF A SUCCESSFUL NEW BRIDE/COOK
Dear Diary,
Monday; Now home from honeymoon and settled in our new home, it's fun to cook for Bill. Today I made an angel food cake and the recipe said, "Beat12 eggs separately." Well, I didn't have enough bowls to do that, so I had to borrow enough bowls to beat the eggs in. The cake turned out fine.
Tuesday; We wanted a fruit salad for supper. The recipe said, "Serve without dressing". So I didn't dress. But, Bill happened to bring a friend home for supper that night. Did they ever look startled when I served the salad.
Wednesday: I decided to serve rice and found a recipe which said, "Wash thoroughly before steaming the rice". So I heated some water and took a bath before steaming the rice. Sounded kinda silly in the middle of the week. I can't say it improved the rice any.
Thursday: Today Bill asked for salad again. I tried a new recipe. It said, "Prepare ingredients, then toss on a bed of lettuce one hour before serving." I hunted all over the garden by my moms. So I tossed my salad into the bed of lettuce and stood over there one hour so the dog would not take it. Bill came over and asked if I felt all right. I wonder why?
Friday: Today I found an easy recipe for cookies. It said, "Put all ingredients in a bowl and beat it." Beat it I did, right over to my mom's house. There must have been something wrong with the recipe, because when I came back home again it looked the same as when I left it.
Saturday Bill went shopping today and brought home a chicken. He asked me to dress it for Sunday. I'm sure I don't know how hens dress for Sunday. I never noticed back on the farm, but I found a doll dress and some little shoes. I though the hen looked real cute. When Bill saw it, I wondered why he counted to 10.
Sunday: Today Bill's folks came to dinner. I wanted to serve roast, but all we had in the icebox, was hamburger. So I put it in the oven and set the controls for roast. Must be the oven, because it still came out hamburger.
Monday: I was going to bake bread today. The recipe said, "Mix well and knead well. Then stand in a warm place until double in bulk." I just won't bake bread
if I have to double in bulk.
Goodnight Dear Diary. This has been an exciting week. I am eager for tomorrow to come, so I can try a new recipe on Bill.
-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=
-=--=-=-=
TRUE STORY: Drive By Shooting
A lady named Linda went to Arkansas on vacation, and while there, went to a store. She parked next to a car with a woman sitting in it; her eyes closed and hands behind her head, apparently sleeping.
When Linda came out a while later, she again saw the woman. Her hands were still behind her head but her eyes were open and they had a fearful look in them. The woman looked so strange that Linda tapped on the window and said "Are you okay?"
The woman answered slowly, "I've been shot in the head, and I am holding my brains in."
Linda ran into the store, where store officials called the paramedics. Linda returned to the car and attempted to open the car door but it was locked. She asked the woman to open the car door but the woman explained that she could not take her hands off her head because she feared if she took her hands down that her brains would fall out.
When the paramedics came they broke into the car. Carefully they removed one hand and then the other from the woman's head. They found . . . bread dough on the back of her head and in her hands but that there was no gun shot wound.
Looking around the car for a cause, the paramedics discovered that a Pillsbury biscuit canister had exploded, apparently from the heat in the car, making a loud explosion, like that of a gunshot, and the metal canister top followed by the dough had hit the woman in the back of the head. When she reached back to find what it was, she felt the dough and thought it was her brains. She passed out from fright at first, then came to and held onto her head in an attempt to hold her brains in.
***************************************
Shortest Books in the World...
25. MY PLAN TO FIND THE REAL KILLERS-by O J Simpson 24. THE ENGINEER'S GUIDE TO FASHION 23. TO ALL THE MEN I'VE LOVED BEFORE-by Ellen DeGeneres 22. THE DIFFERENCE BETWEEN REALITY AND DILBERT 21. HUMAN RIGHTS ADVANCES IN CHINA 20. THINGS I WOULD NOT DO FOR MONEY-by Dennis Rodman 19. THE WILD YEARS-by Al Gore 18. AMELIA EARHART'S GUIDE TO THE PACIFIC OCEAN 17. AMERICA'S MOST POPULAR LAWYERS 16. CAREER OPPORTUNITIES FOR LIBERAL ARTS MAJORS 15. DETROIT - A TRAVEL GUIDE 14. DIFFERENT WAYS TO SPELL BOB 13. DR. KEVORKIAN'S COLLECTION OF MOTIVATIONAL SPEECHES 12. EASY UNIX 11. ETHIOPIAN TIPS ON WORLD DOMINANCE 10. EVERYTHING MEN KNOW ABOUT WOMEN 9. EVERYTHING WOMEN KNOW ABOUT MEN 8. FRENCH HOSPITALITY 7. GEORGE FOREMAN'S BIG BOOK OF BABY NAMES 6. HOW TO SUSTAIN A MUSICAL CAREER-by Art Garfunkel 5. MIKE TYSON'S GUIDE TO DATING ETIQUETTE 4. SPOTTED OWL RECIPES-by the EPA 3. STAPLE YOUR WAY TO SUCCESS 2. THE AMISH PHONE DIRECTORY And the Number one World's Shortest book:...... 1. THE BOOK OF VIRTUES by Bill Clinton
****************************** ******************
*************A young man picks up a young woman in a bar and coaxes her
back to his hotel room. When they are relaxing later, he says, "Am
I the first man you ever made love to?" She looks at him thoughtfully
for a second before replying, "You might be, your face looks familiar."
-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=
KID'S BIBLE TALES
The cute statements below are said to have been written
by actual students and are genuine, authentic and not retouched or corrected:
_______________________________________
______________In the first book of the Bible, Guinessis, God got tired of creating the world, so he took the Sabbath off.
Adam and Eve were created from an apple tree.
Noah's wife was called Joan of Ark.
Noah built an ark, which the animals come on to in pears.
Lot's wife was a pillar of salt by day, but a ball of fire by night.
The Jews were a proud people and throughout history they had trouble with the unsympathetic Genitals.
Samson was a strongman who let himself be led astray by a Jezebel like Delilah.
Samson slayed the Philistines with the axe of the Apostles.
Moses led the Hebrews to the Red Sea, where they made unleavened bread which is bread without any ingredients.
The Egyptians were all drowned in the dessert. Afterwards, Moses went up on Mount Cyanide to get the ten ammendments.
The first commandment was when Eve told Adam to eat the apple.
The fifth commandment is to humor thy father and mother.
The seventh commandment is thou shalt not admit adultery.
Moses died before he ever reached Canada.
Then Joshua led the Hebrews in the battle of Geritol.
The greatest miracle in the Bible is when Joshua told his son to stand still and he obeyed him.
David was a Hebrew king skilled at playing the liar.
He fought with the Finklesteins, a race of people who lived in Biblical times.
Solomon, one of David's sons, had 300 wives and 700 porcupines.
When Mary heard that she was the mother of Jesus, she sang the Magna Carta.
When the three wise guys from the east side arrived, they found Jesus in the manager.
Jesus was born because Mary had an immaculate contraption.
St. John, the blacksmith, dumped water on his head.
Jesus enunciated the Golden Rule, which says to do one to others before they do one to you.
He also explained, "a man doth not live by sweat alone."
It was a miracle when Jesus rose from the dead and managed to get the tombstone off the entrance.
The people who followed the Lord were called the 12 decibels.
The epistles were the wives of the apostles.
One of the opossums was St. Matthew who was also a taximan.
St. Paul cavorted to Christianity. He preached holy acrimony, which is another name for marriage.
A Christian should have only one spouse. This is called monotony.
Dear GOD, Who draws the lines around the countries? -Nan
Dear GOD, I went to this wedding and they kissed right in church. Is that okay? -Neil
Dear GOD, What does it mean You are a Jealous God? I thought You had everything. -Jane
Dear God, Did you really mean "do unto others as they do unto you"? Because if you did, then I'm going to fix my brother! -Darla
Dear GOD, Thank you for the baby brother, but what I prayed for was a puppy. -Joyce
Dear GOD, It rained for our whole vacation and is my father mad! He said some things about You that people are not supposed to say, but I hope You will not hurt him anyway. Your friend. (But I am not going to tell you who I am)
Dear GOD, Why is Sunday school on Sunday? I thought it was supposed to be our day of rest. -Tom
Dear GOD, Please send me a pony. I never asked for anything before, You can look it up. -Bruce
Dear GOD, My brother is a rat. You should give him a tail. Ha ha. -Danny
Dear GOD, Maybe Cain and Abel would not kill each other so much if they had their own rooms. It works with my brother. -Larry
Dear GOD, I want to be just like my Daddy when I get big, but not with so much hair all over. -Sam
Dear GOD, I bet it is very hard for You to love all of everybody in the whole world. There are only 4 people in our family and I can never do it. -Nan
Dear GOD, If You watch me in church Sunday, I'll show You my new shoes. -Mickey D.
Dear GOD, I would like to live 900 years like the guy in the Bible. Love, Chris
Dear GOD, We read Thomas Edison made light. But in school they said You did it. So I bet he stoled your idea. Sincerely, Donna
Wow....anything you're looking for!!
http://www.google.stanford.edu http://search.msn.com http://wwwgoto.com http://www.newhoo.com http://www.hotbot.com http://www.northernlight.com http://www.infoseek.com http://www.webcrawler.com http://www.looksmart.com http://www.yahoo.com http://www.lycos.com http://www.excite.com
Find an acronym = http://www.mtnds.com/af Find anyone = http://www.yahoo.com or
http://www.whowhere.com Find an apartment = http://www.allapartments.com
or http://www.rent.net Find ATM = http://.mastercard.com/atm Find an attorney = http://www.lawyers.com
or http://www.wld.com Find company information = http://www.hoovers.com or
http://companiesonline.com Find a computer article = http://cma.zdnet.com Find a definition = http://www.onelook.com Find a discussion forum = http://www.forumone.com Find a domain name = http://www.netnamesusa.com or http://www.internic.net Find driving directions = http://www.mapquest.com or
http://www.mapblast.com Find a file = http://www.filez.com Find a high-tech company = http://www.companyfinder.com
or http://www.corptech.com Find a house = http://www.realtor.com or
http://www.homeadvisor.com Find an ISP = http://thelist.internet.com Find a job = http://www.careerbuilder.com
or http://www.monster.com Find legislators' voting record = http://www.vote-smart.org Find a long-distant carrier = http://www.teleworth.com Dind a mailing list = http://www.liszt.com Find a newsgroup = http:/dejanews.com or
http://www.supernews.com Find am old friend = http://classmates.com or http://www.planetall.com
or http://www.sixdegrees.com Find online events = http://www.onnow.com or
http://netevents.yahoo.com Find a personal home page = http://www.whowhere.com or
http://www.sixdegrees.com Find public records = http://www.knowx.com Find stock filings - http://www.edgar-online.com or http://www.sec.gov Find technical information = http:///www.developer.com or
http://www.devsearch.com Find tech-support information = http://nowonder.com or http://www.supporthelp Find the weather = http://accuweather.com or http://www.weather.com Find yellow-pages information = http://www.switchboard.com
or http://www.zip2.com Find a ZIP code = http://www.usps.gov/ncsc or
http://www.zipinfo.com/search Find medical information http://www.mwsearch.com or
http://www.drkoop.com
Subject: leaf stone or critter? a horde of yuck yucks
Date: Sat, 23 Jan 1999 14:03:58 -0800
From: Magic Mike B <mike@funandmagic.comOrganization: http://funandmagic.com/
To: "MagicMailout bcc's" <"MagicMailout bcc's"@funandmagic.com
Hi,
Here are two more in the camouflage series of species photos.
A wing leaf butterfly looks like a dry leaf, and a toad grasshopper blends
in with pebbles and leaves. http://funandmagic.com/photolinks2.htm
Have a magic day and pass it on?
Magic Mike
http://funandmagic.com/
-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-==-=-=-
I already have enough laundry to do, thank you.
Because I think it would take all the spontaneity out of dating.
My co-op board doesn't allow spouses.
I'd have to forfeit my billion dollar trust fund.
They just opened a great singles bar on my block.
I wouldn't want my parents to drop dead from sheer happiness.
I guess it just goes to prove that you can't trust those voodoo doll rituals.
What? And lose all the money I've invested in running personal ads?
We really want to, but my lover's husband just won't go for it.
I don't want to have to support another person on my paycheck.
Why aren't you thin?
I'm married to my career, although recently we have been
considering a trial separation.
-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=
-=-=-=-=-=-=-=
-=-
+60 Californians put on sweaters.
+50 Miami residents turn on the heat.
+45 Vermont residents go to outdoor concert.
+40 You can see your breath. Californians shiver uncontrollably. Minnesotans go swimming.
+35 Italians cars don't start.
+32 Water freezes.
+30 You plan your vacation in Australia.
+25 Ohio water freezes. Californians weep pitiably Minnesotans eat ice cream. Canadians go swimming.
+20 Politicians begin to talk about the homeless. New York City water freezes. Miami residents plan vacation further south.
+15 French cars don't start. Cat insists on sleeping with you.
+10 You need jumper cables to get the car going.
+ 5 American cars don't start. 0 Alaskans put on T-shirts.
-10 German cars don't start. Eyes freeze shut when you blink.
-15 You can cut your breath and use it to build an igloo. Arkansans stick tongues on metal objects. Miami residents cease to exist.
-20 Cat insists on sleeping in pajamas with you. Politicians actually do something about the homeless. Minnesotans shovel snow off roof. Japanese cars don't start.
-25 Too cold to think. You need jumper cables to get the driver going.
-30 You plan a two week hot bath. Swedish cars don't start.
-40 Californians disappear. Minnesotans button top button. Canadians put on sweater. Your car helps you plan your trip south.
-50 Congressional hot air freezes. Alaskans close the bathroom window.
-80 Polar bears move south. Green Bay Packer fans order hot cocoa at the game.
-90 Lawyers put their hands in their own pockets.
-100 Canadian buildings turn off air conditioning.
=-=-=-=--=-=-=-=-=-=-=--=-=-=-=-=---
(oldie worth repeating)
Morris calls his son in NY and says, "Benny, I have something to tell you. However, I don't want to discuss it. I'm merely telling you because you're my Oldest child, and I thought you ought to know. I've made up my mind, I'm divorcing Mama."
The son is shocked and asks his father to tell him what happened. "I don't want to get into it. My mind is made up." "But Dad, you just can't decide to divorce Mama just like that after 54 years together. What happened?"
"It's too painful to talk about it. I only called because you're my son, and I thought you should know. I really don't want to get into it anymore than this. You can call your sister and tell her. It will spare me the pain." "But where's Mama? Can I talk to her?" "No, I don't want you to say anything to her about it. I haven't told her yet. Believe me it hasn't been easy. I've agonized over it for several days, and I've finally come to a decision. I have an appointment with the lawyer the day after tomorrow."
"Dad, don't do anything rash. I'm going to take the first flight down. Promise me that you won't do anything until I get there."
"Well, all right, I promise. Next week is Christmas. I'll hold off seeing the lawyer until after then. Call your sister in NJ and break the news to her. I just can't bear to talk about it anymore."
A half hour later, Morris receives a call from his daughter who tells him that she and her brother were able to get tickets and that they and the children will be arriving in Florida the day after tomorrow. "Benny told me That you don't want to talk about it on the telephone, but promise me that you won't do anything until we both get there."
Morris promises. After hanging up from his daughter, Morris turns to his wife and says, "Well Martha, it worked this time, but what are we going to do next time to get them to come home for the holidays?"
One Sunday a pastor told his congregation that the church needed some extra money and asked the people to prayerfully consider giving a little extra in the offering plate. He said that whoever gave the most would be able to pick out three hymns.
After the offering plates were passed, the pastor glanced down and noticed that someone had placed a $1,000 bill in offering. He was so excited that he immediately shared his joy with his congregation and said he'd like to personally thank the person who placed the money in the plate. A very quiet, elderly, saintly lady all the way in the back shyly raised her hand. The pastor asked her to come to the front. Slowly she made her way to the pastor. He told her how wonderful it was that she gave so much and in thanksgiving asked her to pick out three hymns.
Her eyes brightened as she looked over the congregation, pointed to the three handsomest men in the building and said, "I'll take him and him and him."
-=-=-=--=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=--=--=-=--=-=-=-
I've been bawled out, balled up, balled on, knocked up, knocked
down, knocked out, held up, held down, hung up, hung out, bulldozed, bull
dogged, bull shot, blackjacked, black balled, black eyed, blacked out,
blown out, washed out, walked on, cheated on, squeezed on and mooched on.
I've been stuck for war tax, excess tax, capital tax, sales tax, property
tax, dog tax, and Syntax. Been in bond, held Liberty Bonds, War Bonds,
Savings Bond, paid bond, laid bond, and baby bond in the Bonds of Matrimony,
palimony, and now alimony. I been with the Red Cross, Blue Cross, and the
double cross with the crisscross. I've worked like hell, worked others
like hell, played hell, been through hell, and said "hell." Been
drunk as hell, got others drunk as hell, lost hell, broke loose from hell,
busted hell, and spent hell. And now that I can't pay hell, spend hell,
or lend hell, what the hell can I earn, borrow, steal, cajole, inveigle.
I've been cussed at, discussed with, boycotted, wet- rotted, talked to,
talked about, lied to, lied about, worked over, worked out, pushed under,
pushed out, robbed, and damned near ruined. The only reason I am still
sticking around is to see; "WHAT THE HELL IS NEXT?"
-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=----=---=
A FUNERAL SERVICE IS BEING HELD IN A SYNAGOGUE FOR A WOMAN WHO HAS JUST PASSED AWAY. AT THE END OF THE SERVICE THE PALL BEARERS ARE CARRYING THE CASKET OUT WHEN THEY ACCIDENTALLY BUMP INTO A WALL, JARRING THE CASKET.
THEY HEAR A FAINT MOAN. THEY OPEN THE CASKET TO FIND THAT THE WOMAN IS ACTUALLY ALIVE. SHE LIVES FOR TEN MORE YEARS AND THEN DIES.
A CEREMONY IS AGAIN HELD AT THE SAME SYNAGOGUE AND AT THE END OF THE CEREMONY THE PALL BEARERS ARE AGAIN CARRYING OUT THE CASKET. AS THEY ARE WALKING THE HUSBAND CRIES OUT, "WATCH OUT FOR THE WALL!
The following were actually taken from recent classified ads in newspapers:
.- - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - -
--------- 1 MAN, 7 WOMAN HOT TUB -- $850/offer
.- - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - -
--------- AMANA WASHER $100. OWNED BY CLEAN BACHELOR WHO SELDOM WASHED.
.- - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - -
---------- SNOW BLOWER FOR SALE... ONLY USED ON SNOWY DAYS.
.- - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - -
------------ FREE PUPPIES...PART GERMAN SHEPHERD - PART DOG
.- - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - -
----------- 2 WIRE MESH BUTCHERING GLOVES: 1 5-finger, 1 3-finger, PAIR: $15
.- - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - -
----------- TICKLE ME ELMO, STILL IN BOX, COMES WITH IT'S OWN 1988 MUSTANG,5L,AUTO, EXCELLENT CONDITION $6800
.- - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - -
------------ COWS, CALVES NEVER BRED... ALSO 1 GAY BULL FOR SALE.
.- - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - -
------------- 83 TOYOTA HUNCHBACK -- $2000
.- - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - -
-------------- STAR WARS JOB OF THE HUT -- $15
.- - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - -
-------------- FREE PUPPIES: 1/2 COCKER SPANIEL - 1/2 SNEAKY NEIGHBOR'S DOG
.- - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - -
---------------- FREE YORKSHIRE TERRIER. 8 YEARS OLD. UNPLEASANT LITTLE DOG.
.- - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - -
--------------- SOFT & GENITAL BATH TISSUES OR FACIAL TISSUE 89 cents
.- - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - -
---------------- GERMAN SHEPHERD 85 lbs. NEUTERED. SPEAKS GERMAN. FREE.
.- - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - -
---------------- FULL SIZED MATTRESS. 20 YR WARRANTY. LIKE NEW. SLIGHT URINE SMELL.
.- - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - -
---------------- FREE 1 CAN OF PORK & BEANS WITH PURCHASE OF 3 BR 2 BATH HOME.
.- - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - -
--------------- FOR SALE: LEE MAJORS (6 MILLION DOLLAR MAN) - $50
.- - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - -
---------------- NORDIC TRACK $300 HARDLY USED CALL CHUBBIE
.- - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - -
------------------ BILL'S SEPTIC CLEANING "WE HAUL AMERICAN MADE PRODUCTS"
.- - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - -
.- - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - -
SHAKESPEARE'S PIZZA - FREE CHOPSTICKS
.- - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - -
.- - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - -
FOUND: DIRTY WHITE DOG. LOOKS LIKE A RAT... BEEN OUT AWHILE.. BETTER BE REWARD.
.- - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - -
.- - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - -
- HUMMELS - LARGEST SELECTION EVER "IF IT'S IN STOCK, WE HAVE IT!"
.- - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - -
.- - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - -
-- GET A LITTLE JOHN: THE TRAVELING URINAL HOLDS 2 1/2 BOTTLES OF BEER.
.- - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - -
.- - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - -
--- HARRISBURG POSTAL EMPLOYEES GUN CLUB
.- - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - -
.- - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - -
--- GEORGIA PEACHES - CALIFORNIA GROWN - 89 cents lb.
.- - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - -
.- - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - -
---- NICE PARACHUTE: NEVER OPENED - USED ONCE SLIGHTLY STAINED
.- - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - -
.- - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - -
----- FREE: FARM KITTENS. READY TO EAT.
.- - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - -
.- - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - -
---- AMERICAN FLAG 60 STARS - POLE INCLUDED $100
.- - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - -
.- - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - -
----- TIRED OF WORKING FOR ONLY $9.75 PER HOUR? WE OFFER PROFIT SHARING AND FLEXIBLE HOURS. STARTINGPAY: $7 - $9 PER HOUR. (response centre?)
.- - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - -
.- - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - -
------- NOTICE: TO THE PERSON OR PERSONS WHO TOOK THE LARGE PUMPKIN ON HIGHWAY 87 NEAR SOUTHRIDGE STORAGE: PLEASE RETURN THE PUMPKIN AND BE CHECKED. PUMPKIN MAY BE RADIOACTIVE. ALL OTHER PLANTS IN VICINITY ARE DEAD.
.- - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - -
.- - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - -
---------- EXERCISE EQUIPMENT: QUEEN SIZE MATTRESS & BOX SPRINGS -$175.
.- - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - -
.- - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - -
----------- OUR SOFA SEATS THE WHOLE MOB AND IT'S MADE OF 100% ITALIAN LEATHER.
.- - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - -
.- - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - -
----------- JOINING NUDIST COLONY! MUST SELL WASHER & DRYER $300.
.- - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - -
.- - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - -
---------- LAWYER SAYS CLIENT IS NOT THAT GUILTY.
.- - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - -
.- - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - -
---------- ALZHEIMER'S CENTER PREPARES FOR AN AFFAIR TO REMEMBER
.- - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - -
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------ GROUND BEAST: 99 cents lb.
.- - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - -
----------- GAS CLOUD CLEARS OUT TACO BELL.
.- - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - -
--------------- BAR S SLICED BALOGNA REGULAR OR TASTY SAVE 30 CENTS ON 2
.- - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - -
--------------- OPEN HOUSE BODY SHAPERS TONING SALON FREE COFFEE & DONUTS
.- - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - -
.- - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - -
KELLOGG'S POT TARTS - $1.99 box
.- - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - -
.- - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - -
--------- FULLY COOKED BONELESS SMOKED MAN - $2.09 lb.
Subject: Humor Mill: Cause of death? Perfect Timing
At the 1994 annual awards dinner given forensic Science, the president, Dr. Don Harper Mills astounded his audience with the legal complications of a bizarre death. Here is the story:
On March 23, 1994, the medical examiner viewed the body of Ronald Opus and concluded that he died from a shotgun wound to the head. The decedent had jumped from the top of a ten story building intending to commit suicide. He left a note to that effect indicating his despondency. As he fell past the ninth floor, his life was interrupted by a shotgun blast passing through a window, which killed him instantly. Neither the shooter nor the decedent was aware that a safety net had been installed just below at the eighth floor level to protect some building workers and that Ronald Opus would not have been able to complete his suicide the way he had planned. Ordinarily, Dr. Mills continued, "a person who sets out to commit suicide and ultimately succeeds, even though the mechanism might not be what he intended" is still defined as committing suicide. That Mr. Opus was shot on the way to certain death nine stories below at street level, but the suicide attempt probably would not have been successful because of the safety net, caused the medical examiner to feel that he had a homicide on his hands. The room on the ninth floor from whence the shotgun blast emanated was occupied by an elderly man and his wife. They were arguing vigorously, and he was threatening her with a shotgun. The man was so upset that when he pulled the trigger he completely missed his wife and the pellets went through the window striking Mr. Opus. When one intends to kill subject A, but kills subject B in the attempt, one is guilty of the murder of subject B.
When confronted with the murder charge, the old man and his wife were both adamant. They both said they thought the shotgun was unloaded. The old man said it was his long standing habit to threaten his wife with the unloaded shotgun. He had no intention to murder her. Therefore, the killing of Mr. Opus appeared to be an accident, that is, the gun had been accidentally loaded.
The continuing investigation turned up a witness who saw the old couple's son loading the shotgun about six weeks prior to the fatal accident. It transpired that the old lady had cut off her son's financial support and the son, knowing the propensity of his father to use the shotgun threateningly, loaded the gun with the expectation that his father would shoot his mother. The case now becomes one of murder on the part of the son for the death of Ronald Opus. Now comes the exquisite twist. Further investigation revealed that the son was in fact Ronald Opus. He had become increasingly despondent over the failure of his attempt to engineer his mother's murder. This led him to jump off the ten story building on March 23rd, only to be killed by a shotgun blast passing through the ninth story window. The son had actually murdered himself so the medical examiner closed the case as a suicide.
Very tidy of him.
A true story from Associated Press, by Kurt Westervelt
Cash, check or charge?" I asked after folding items the woman wished to purchase. As she fumbled for her wallet I notice a remote control for a television set in her purse.
"Do you always carry your TV remote?" I asked.
"No," she replied. "But my husband refused to come shopping with me, so I figured this was the most evil thing I could do to him." ///////////////////////////////////// John was a clerk in a small drugstore, but he was not much of a salesman. He could never find the item the customer wanted. Bob, the owner, had had about enough and warned John that the next sale he missed would be his last.
Just then a man came in coughing. He ask John for their best cough syrup. Try as he might John could not find the cough syrup. Remembering his boss' warning he sold the man a box of Ex-Lax and told him to take it all at once. The customer did as John said and then walked outside and leaned against a lamp post.
Bob had seen the whole thing and came over to ask John what had transpired. "He wanted something for his cough, but I couldn't find the dang cough syrup. So, I substituted Ex-Lax and told him to take it all at once," John explained.
"Ex-Lax?!! That won't cure a cough!" Bob shouted angrily.
"Sure it will!" John said, pointing at the man leaning on the lamp post.
"Just look at him. He's afraid to cough."
http://funandmagic.com/magicjokeparlor.htm
Subject: Walking Sticks, bear in the woods, Darwins
Date: Fri, 22 Jan 1999 10:31:56 -0800
From: Magic Mike B <mike@funandmagic.comOrganization: http://funandmagic.com/
To: Magic Mike B <mike@funandmagic.com
Hi,
"Without my walking stick... I'd go insane....
you know I can't be caught outdoors.. without my cane.." Irving Berlin
and Leon Redbone were referring to how hard it is to find these bugs. Here are camouflaged bug pics, Walking Sticks...
and a Noctuid Moth Caterpillar. You will think that there is no one in
the photos. There is! http://funandmagic.com/photolinks2.htm I will be adding
a recipe page and a link page today. Send your favorites!
Have a magic day and pass it on!
Magic Mike
http://funandmagic.com/
-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=
-=-=-=
READY WHEN?
Arnold and his wife were cleaning out the attic one day when he came across a ticket from the local computer repair shop. The date stamped on the ticket showed that it was over two years old. They both laughed and tried to remember which of them might have forgotten to pick up the old 486 way back then.
"Do you think it will still be in the shop?" Arnold asked.
"Not very likely," his wife said.
"It's worth a try," Arnold said, pocketing the ticket.
He went downstairs, hopped into the car, and drove to the store. With a straight face, he handed the ticket to the man behind the counter. With a face just as straight, the man said, "Just a minute. I'll have to look for it." He disappeared into a dark corner at the back of the shop.
Two minutes later, the man called out, "Here it is!"
"No kidding?" Arnold called back. "That's terrific! Who would have thought it would still be here after all this time."
The man came back to the counter, empty-handed. "It'll
be ready Thursday," he said calmly.
-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=
-=-=-=-=-=-=-=
-=-=
BEAR HUNTING
Big Mike's all excited about his new rifle. So, he goes bear hunting in Alaska. The first bear he sees is a little brown bear, and he kills it with his first shot. There is a tap on his shoulder, and he turns around to see a big black bear. The black bear says, "You've got 2 choices. One, I maul you to death or Two, we have sex."
Big Mike bends over for the bear. He's sore for 2 days, but he recovers and vows revenge. Big Mike heads out on another trip to Alaska and he finds the black bear and kills him.
At that moment there is a tap on his shoulder. A huge grizzly is standing right behind him. The grizzly says, "That was a big mistake. You've got 2 choices. Either I maul you to death or we have sex."
Big Mike bends over once again. He survives, but he's really hurting and takes quite a bit of time to recover, and, he's outraged. He heads back to Alaska and finds the grizzly and shoots him at point blank range. Sure enough, there's a tap on his shoulder.
He turns around to find an enormous polar bear. The polar
bear looks at Big Mike with a puzzled look and says, "You don't really
come here for the hunting, do you?"
-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=
-=-=-=-=
Some of the latest Darwin Award nominations. The latest NOMINEES
for the
1998 Darwin awards: A 34 yr. old white male found dead in the basement of his home died of suffocation, police said. He was approximately 6' 2" and 225 lb. He was wearing a pleated skirt, white bra, black and white saddle shoes and a woman's wig. It appeared that he was trying to create a schoolgirl's uniform look. He was also wearing a military gas mask that had the filter canister removed and a rubber hose attached in its place. The other end of the hose was connected to a hollow wooden section of bedpost
approximately 12 inches long and 3 inches in diameter. This bedpost was inserted into his rear end for reasons unknown, and was the cause of his suffocation. Police found the task of explaining the circumstances of his death to his family members "very awkward".
**********
Three Brazilian men were flying in a light aircraft at low
altitude when another plane approached. It appears they decided to "moon"
at the occupants of the other plane, but lost control of the plane and
crashed. They were all found dead in the wreckage with their pants around
their ankles.
**********
A police officer in Ohio responded to a call that was made
to 911. She had no details before arriving except that someone was reporting
that his father was not breathing. Upon arrival, the officer found the
man face down on the couch, naked. When she rolled him over to check for
a pulse and to start CPR if necessary, she noticed burn marks around his
genitals. After the ambulance arrived and removed the man (who turned out
to be dead on arrival at hospital), the police made a closer inspection
of the couch, and noticed that the man had made a hole between the cushions.
Upon flipping the couch over they discovered what caused his death. Apparently
the man had a habit of putting his penis between the cushions, down into
the hole and between two electric sanders (with the sandpaper removed for
obvious reasons). According to the story, after his orgasm the...ahem...discharge
shorted out one of the sanders, electrocuting him to death.
**********
(AP) LOS ANGELES - Police officials would not release the
name of a Pacoima man who was found dead yesterday after responding to
complaints from neighbors that a bad smell was coming from his apartment.
Upon entering the apartment, officers were surprised to see that every
square inch of the apartment, including appliances and even the inside
of the toilet, were covered with pornographic images cut from magazines.
"The visual effect was very unsettling," said Officer Hradj of
the Pacoima Police. "Because everything looked the same, you could
not tell where one wall ended and a doorway began." The surprises
did not end there, however. Police described the man as having "concocted
a wire frame around his head" upon which he had taped various pornographic
images, apparently so he could freely move about his apartment without
ever losing his close-up view of nude bodies. Small slits had been cut
into the paper so he could find his way, but according to Hradj, "He
had almost no peripheral vision. He could barely see a thing." The
man was found nude with this wire frame entangled in a hanging lamp. "We
think he had been dusting," said another police officer, "because
a feather duster was lying nearby, and his head gear had somehow become
caught in the lamp, which was chained to the ceiling." The man allegedly
choked to death trying to extricate himself from his predicament. According
to his apartment manager, the white male in his mid-30's never left his
apartment, and had food delivered weekly. Funeral services are planned
for next week. His next of kin requested that his name be withheld.
**********
A young Inuit man, searching for a way of getting drunk cheaply
because he had no money to buy alcohol, mixed gasoline with milk. Not surprisingly,
this concoction made him ill, and he vomited into the fireplace in his
house. The resulting explosion and fire burned his house down, killing
both him and his sister.
*********
A 27 year-old French woman lost control over her car on a
highway near Marseilles and crashed into a tree, seriously injuring her
passenger and killing her. As a commonplace road accident, this would not
have qualified for a Darwin nomination were it not for the fact that the
driver's attention had been distracted by her Tamagotchi keyring, which
had started urgently beeping for food as she drove along. In attempting
to press the correct buttons to save the Tamagotchi's life, the woman lost
her own.
http://funandmagic.com/magicjokeparlor.htm
Subject: Click Beetle hiding; Great to be a guy
Date: Thu, 21 Jan 1999 09:12:02 -0800
From: Magic Mike B <mike@funandmagic.comOrganization: http://funandmagic.com/
To: "MagicMailout bcc's" <"MagicMailout bcc's"@funandmagic.com
Hi,
So what's new with you? How's things going on your end? Who's
winning? Today's bug pic on camouflage is a click beetle. Can you find
it? http://funandmagic.com/photolinks2.htm That guy who writes all the jokes
must have been on vacation. Here's what I dug up. It's the counterpart
to the other day's "Why Its Great To Be A Woman." Send some jokes!
And send some bumper stickers!!
Have a magic day and pass this on, por favor.
Magic Mike http://funandmagic.com/
THE ONLY GOOD REASONS TO BE A GUY
1. Phone Conversations are over in 30 seconds flat. 2. You
know stuff about tanks. 3. A five-day vacation requires only one suitcase.
4. You can open all your own jars. 5. Dry cleaners and hair cutters don't
rob you blind. 6. You can go to the bathroom without a support group. 7.
You don't have to learn to spell a new last name. 8. You can leave the
motel bed unmade. 9. You can kill your own food. 10. You get extra credit
for the slightest act of thoughtfulness. 11. Wedding plans take care of
themselves. 12. If someone forgets to invite you to something, he or she
can still be friends 13. Your underwear is $10 for a three-pack. 14. If
you are 34 and single, nobody notices. 15. Everything on your face stays
its original color. 16. Three pairs of shoes are more than enough. 17.
You don't have to clean your apartment if the meter reader is coming. 18.
Car mechanics tell you the truth. 19. You can quietly watch a game with
your buddy for hours without thinking: "He must be mad at me."
20. Same work...more pay. 21. Gray hair and wrinkles only add character.
22. Wedding dress -- $2,000. Tuxedo rental - 75 bucks. 23. You don't mooch
off other's desserts. 24. You can drop by to see a friend without having
to bring a little gift. 25. If another guy shows up at the party in the
same outfit, you just might become lifelong friends. 26. Your pals can
be trusted never to trap you with. "So, notice anything different?"
27. You are not expected to know the names of more than five colors. 28.
You don't have to stop and think of which way to turn a nut on a bolt.
29. You almost never have strap problems in public. 30. You are unable
to see wrinkles in your clothes. 31. The same hairstyle lasts for years,
maybe decades. 32. You don't have to shave below your neck. 33. At least
a few belches are expected and tolerated. 34. Your belly usually hides
your big hips. 35. One wallet and one pair of shoes, one color, all seasons.
36. You can "do" your nails with a pocketknife. 37. You have
freedom of choice concerning growing a mustache. 38. You can quietly enjoy
a car ride from the passenger's seat. 39. Christmas shopping can be accomplished
for 25 relatives, on December 24th, in 45 minutes.
Subject: terrifying moth, puzzle answers, groanersDate: Wed, 20 Jan 1999 09:24:24 -0800
From: Magic Mike B <mike@funandmagic.comOrganization: http://funandmagic.com/
To: "MagicMailout bcc's" <"MagicMailout bcc's"@funandmagic.com
Hi,
Today's camouflage bug pic is a moth with a startling face
on its wings. If you look like a scary big thing maybe you won't get eaten!
http://funandmagic.com/photolinks2.htm
I replaced Lview1c with Lview1.9 on my free utilities page. It does a better
job of converting gif's to jpg's. Also Paintshop Pro will do it. The slideshows
don't load gifs. I wasn't sent any answers to the riddles so here are mine
below.
Have a magic day and pass it on.
Magic Mike
http://funandmagic.com/
-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=
-=-=-=-=-=-=-=
-=-=-
-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=
A young lady in the maternity ward just prior to labor is
asked by the midwife if she would like her husband to be present at the
birth.
"I'm afraid I don't have a husband" she replies
"O.K. do you have a boyfriend?" asks the Midwife
"No, no boyfriend either."
"Do you have a partner then?"
"No, I'm unattached, I'll be having my baby on my own."
After the birth the midwife again speaks to the young woman. "You have a healthy bouncing baby girl, but I must warn you before you see her that the baby is black"
"Well," replies the girl. "I was very down on my luck, with no money and nowhere to live, and so I accepted a job in a Porno movie. The lead man was black."
"Oh, I'm very sorry," says the midwife, "that's really none of my business and I'm sorry that I have to ask you these awkward questions but I must also tell you that the baby has blonde hair."
"Well, yes," the girl again replies, "you see I desperately needed the money and there was this Swedish guy also involved in the movie, what else could I do?"
"Oh, I'm sorry," the midwife repeats, "that's really none of my business and I hate to pry further but your baby has slanted eyes."
"Well, yes," continues the girl, "I was incredibly hard up and there was a little Chinese man also in the movie, I really had no choice."
At this the midwife again apologizes collects the baby and presents her to the girl, who immediately proceeds to give baby a slap on the bottom.
The baby starts crying and the mother exclaims, "Thank God for that!"
"What do you mean?" says the midwife, shocked.
"Well," says the girl extremely relieved, "I had this horrible feeling that it was going to bark.-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=
-=-=-=-=-=-=-=
-=-=-
30 Reasons why it's great to be a "WOMAN": 1. free dinners 2.
free lunches 3. free brunches 4. Speeding ticket? What's that? 5. you can
get free stuff just by smiling sweetly 6. your hair is yours to keep 7.
if you ARE bald, people will think you did it on purpose, and you're really
chic 8. you're rarely compelled to scream at the TV 9. if someone takes
your seat in a bar, you don't have to hit them 10. you know the truth about
whether size matters 11. when you take off your shoes, nobody passes out
12. you don't have hair on your back 13. if anything on your body isn't
as big as it should be, you can get implants 14. you can congratulate your
teammate without ever touching her ass 15. You'll probably never see someone
you know while peeing in an alley 16. in high school, you never had to
walk down the hall with your binder strategically positioned 17. condoms
make no significan't difference in your enjoyment of sex 18. you can sleep
your way to the top 19. you can sue for sexual harassment 20. you can sue
the President for sexual harassment 21. nothing crucial can be cut off
with one clean sweep 22. you could possibly live your whole life without
ever taking a group shower 23. when you wear sweatpants, it isn't obscene
24. you never have to wonder if your orgasm was real 25. you'll never have
to decide where to hide your nose-hair clipper 26. you'll never discover
you've been fooled by a Wonderbra 27. You don't have to reach down every
so often to make sure your privates are still there. 28. if you want to
have sex, you always can 29. you can talk to people of the opposite sex
without having to picture them naked 30. you don't have to fart to amuse
yourself
