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Subject: Evolution vs. Peter Pan
Date: Tue, 19 Jan 1999 09:17:25 -0800
From: Magic Mike B <mike@funandmagic.comOrganization: http://funandmagic.com/
Hi,
Today we're sitting in on a course in Entomology
at The University of Kentucky. Have you ever just sat in on a college class.
You don't have to register if it's big enough. Just sit down down and have
fun. I sat in on a Astrophysics course on stellar evolution at the University
of Washington. I learned how stars go through their phases on the Main
Sequence.
Today's bug course is on camouflage, hide or
be eaten. A second of indecision by a predator can be life saving. So the
idea is to blend in, or look like two big eyes of another animal. Here
is a katydid looking like a leaf, and two fake eyes just in case. This
is a gif picture and the sideshows wont handle it unless its a jpg or bmp.See Katy at http://funandmagic.com/photolinks2.htmIf it's not NOW, it's too late!
Have a magic day and forward it on!
Magic Mike
http://funandmagic.com/
-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=
-=-=-=-=-=-=-=
-=-=-
To Whom It May Concern:
I am hereby officially tendering my resignation as an adult, in order to accept the responsibilities of a 6 year old. The tax base is lower.
I want to be six again.
I want to go to McDonald's and think it's the best place in the world to eat. I want to sail sticks across a fresh mud puddle and make waves with rocks. I want to think M&Ms are better than money, because you can eat them. I want to play kickball during recess and stay up on Christmas Eve waiting to hear Santa and Rudolph on the roof.
I long for the days when life was simple. When all you knew were your colors, the addition tables and simple nursery rhymes, but it didn't bother you, because you didn't know what you didn't know and you didn't care.
I want to go to school and have snack time, recess, gym and field trips. I want to be happy, because I don't know what should make me upset. I want to think the world is fair and everyone in it is honest and good. I want to believe that anything is possible. Sometime, while I was maturing, I learned too much. I learned of nuclear weapons, prejudice, starving and abused kids, lies, unhappy marriages, illness, pain and mortality.
I want to be six again.
I want to think that everyone, including myself, will live forever, because I don't know the concept of death. I want to be oblivious to the complexity of life and be overly excited by the little things again. I want television to be something I watch for fun, not something used for escape from the things I should be doing. I want to live knowing the little things that I find exciting will always make me as happy as when I first learned them.
I want to be six again.
I remember not seeing the world as a whole, but rather being aware of only the things that directly concerned me. I want to be naive enough to think that if I'm happy, so is everyone else. I want to walk down the beach and think only of the sand beneath my feet and the possibility of finding that blue piece of sea glass I'm looking for. I want to spend my afternoons climbing trees and riding my bike, letting the grownups worry about time, the dentist and how to find the money to fix the old car.
I want to wonder what I'll do when I grow up and what I'll be, who I'll be and not worry about what I'll do if this doesn't work out. I want that time back. I want to use it now as an escape, so that when my computer crashes, or I have a mountain of paperwork, or two depressed friends, or a fight with my spouse, or bittersweet memories of times gone by, or second thoughts about so many things, I can travel back and build a snowman, without thinking about anything except whether the snow sticks together and what I can possibly use for the snowman's mouth.
I want to be six again.
-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=
-=-=-=-=-=-=
Eye halve a spelling chequer It came with my pea sea It plainly marques four my revue Miss steaks eye kin knot sea
Eye strike a key and type a word And weight four it two say Weather eye am wrong oar write It shows me strait a weigh As soon as a mist ache is maid It nose bee fore two long And eye can put the error rite Its rare lea ever wrong
Eye have run this poem threw it I am shore your pleased two no Its letter perfect awl the weigh My chequer tolled me sew
-Sauce unknown
-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=
-=-=-=-=-=-=-=
-
* The 1991 Spring Council retreat will be hell May 10 & 11.
* Pastor is on vacation. Massages can be given to church secretary.
* The ladies of the church have cast-off clothing of every kind and they may be seen in the church basement Friday.
* Don't let worry kill you. Let the Church help.
* The associate minister unveiled the church's new tithing campaign slogan last Sunday:
* "I Upped My Pledge - Now Up Yours."
* A new loudspeaker system has been installed in the church. It was given by one of our members in honor of his wife.
* Weight Watchers will meet at 7 p.m. at the First Presbyterian Church. Please use large double door at the side entrance.
* The senior choir invites any member of the congregation who enjoys sinning to join the choir.
* At the evening service tonight, the sermon topic will be "What is Hell?" Come early and listen to our choir practice.
* Irving Beltson and Jessie were married on October 24 in the church. So ends a friendship that began in their school days.
* The Ladies Bible Study will be held Thursday morning
at 10. All ladies are invited to lunch in the Fellowship Hall after the
B. S.
-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=
-=-=-=-=
1. There is a man who lives on the top floor of a very tall building. Everyday he gets the elevator down to the ground floor to leave the building to go to work. Upon returning from work though, he can only travel half way up in the lift and has to walk the rest of the way unless it's raining! Why?
This is probably the best known and most celebrated of all lateral thinking puzzles. It is a true classic. Although there are many possible solutions which fit the initial conditions, only the canonical answer is truly satisfying.
2. A man and his son are in a car accident. The father dies on the scene, but the child is rushed to the hospital. When he arrives the surgeon says, "I can't operate on this boy, he is my son!" How can this be?
3. A man is wearing black. Black shoes, socks, trousers, jumper, gloves and balaclava. He is walking down a black street with all the street lamps off. A black car is coming towards him with its light off but somehow manages to stop in time. How did the driver see the man?
4. One day Kerry celebrated her birthday. Two days later her older twin brother, Terry, celebrated his birthday. How?
5. Why is it better to have round manhole covers than square ones? This is logical rather than lateral, but it is a good puzzle that can be solved by lateral thinking techniques. It is supposedly used by a very well-known software company as an interview question for prospective employees.
6. A man went to a party and drank some of the punch. He then left early. Everyone else at the party who drank the punch subsequently died of poisoning. Why did the man not die?
7. A man died and went to Heaven. There were thousands of other people there. They were all naked and all looked as they did at the age of 21. He looked around to see if there was anyone he recognized. He saw a couple and he knew immediately that they were Adam and Eve. How did he know?
8. A woman had two sons who were born on the same hour of the same day of the same year. But they were not twins. How could this be so?
9. A man walks into a bar and asks the barman for a glass of water. The barman pulls out a gun and points it at the man. The man says 'Thank you' and walks out.
This puzzle claims to be the best of the genre. It is simple in its statement, absolutely baffling and yet with a completely satisfying solution. Most people struggle very hard to solve this one yet they like the answer when they hear it or have the satisfaction of figuring it out.Subject: How to make women happy, Surfin USA, young Globular Cluster
Date: Sun, 17 Jan 1999 10:59:20 -0800
From: Magic Mike B <mike@funandmagic.comOrganization: http://funandmagic.com/
To: "MagicMailout bcc's" <"MagicMailout bcc's"@funandmagic.com
Hi,
Hangin' ten on your surf board? (Ten fingers
on your keyboard.) We have a whole new meaning now to "Surfin' USA".
Speaking of oldies, I sent these before, but in resending them to a new
Internet friend I thought I'd send them to you all again. GREAT midi's
of oldies AND many ORIGINALS in full length on the jukebox from the Big
Band era of the late 30's and 40's, the malt shop tunes of the 50's, to
the simmering sixties. But I highly recommend you do the oldies radio show.
These pages are jam packed and take a long time to load, even when you
think they're done, they're not and the important stuff is still loading.
Be sure to wait before you click off the page.
http://www.wanderers.com/wanderer/? cool intro page these
links off the page are hard to find
http://www.wanderers.com/wanderer/menu.html? real original
oldies, full length
http://www.djsrus.com/wax/? internet oldies stationhttp://www.wanderers.com/ card shop
Today's desktop pic is a repeat too. NGC1818,
a young globular cluster. However this is the big version, over 400k and
it makes quite a desk photo. I know it's big, but if you have 2 to 7 gigs
and lots of room, what's a half a meg among friends. http://funandmagic.com/photolinks2.htm
If you like, crop it with Lview Pro or some image editor. If you know of
a good free image editor let me know.
Have a magic day and feel free to pass these on.
Magic Mike
http://funandmagic.com/
-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=
HAPPY WOMEN
In the world of romance, one single rule applies: Make the woman happy.
Do something she likes and you get points. Do something she dislikes and
points are subtracted. You don't get any points for doing something she
expects... sorry, that's the way the game is played. Here is a guide to
the point system.
Simple Duties:
You make the bed. +1
You make the bed, but forget to add the decorative pillows 0
You throw the bedspread over rumpled sheets -1
You leave the toilet seat up. -5
You replace the toilet-paper roll when it's empty .0
When the toilet-paper roll is barren, you resort to Kleenex... .-1
You check out a suspicious noise at night 0
You check out a suspicious noise and it's nothing 0
You check out a suspicious noise and it's something +5
You pummel it with a six iron +10
It's her father-10
Social Engagements:
You stay by her side the entire party 0
You stay by her side for a while, then leave to chat with a college buddy -2
Named Tiffany -4
Tiffany is a dancer -6
Tiffany has implants -8
Her Birthday:
You take her out to dinner 0
You take her out to dinner and it's not a sports bar +1
Okay, it is a sports bar -2
And it's all-you-can-eat night -3
It's a sports bar, it's all-you-can-eat night, and your face is painted
the colors of your favorite team -10
A Night Out With The Boys:
Go out with a pal -5
And the pal is happily married -4
Or frighteningly single -7
And he drives a Mustang -10
With a personalized license plate (GR8 N BED) -15
A Night Out:
You take her to a movie +2
You take her to a movie she likes +4
You take her to a movie you hate +6
You take her to a movie you like -2
It's called DeathCop 3 -3
You lied and said it was a foreign film about orphans -15
Your Physique:
You develop a noticeable potbelly -15
You develop a noticeable potbelly and exercise to get rid of it +10
You develop a noticeable potbelly and resort to loose jeans and baggy
Hawaiian shirts -30
You say "I don't care because you have one too" -800
The Big Question:
She asks, "Do I look fat?" -5
You hesitate in responding -10
You reply, "Where?" -35
Communication:
When she wants to talk about a problem, you listen, displaying what looks
like a concerned expression 0
When she wants to talk, you listen, for over 30 minutes +5
You listen for more than 30 minutes without looking at the TV +10
She realizes this is because you've fallen asleep -20
-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=
--=--
Big Shot
A bigshot-type was in the hospital, being treated for a minor problem.
For a week he'd made a complete nuisance of himself, irritating all the
staff, shouting orders and demanding attention, complaining about the food, the bed, the temperature, the weather. Typical bigshot.
One morning a nurse's aide entered the room, saying, "Time to take your
temperature, sir."
After growling that she was disturbing his nap, the guy finally opened his mouth for the thermometer.
"Sorry, sir," said the aide, "but for this test we need your temperature from the other end."
After griping about the embarrassment and inconvenience, the guy finally rolled over and bared his butt.
After the aide finished, she said, "Stay exactly like that and don't move. I'll be back in five minutes to check up on you."
She left, leaving the door ajar. The guy's back was to the door and for
over an hour, he heard people wandering up and down the hall, sniggering and chortling, some belly laughing out loud.
At length the guy's doctor entered the room, saw the guy with his bare butt in the air and gawked. Finally, he asked, "What's going on here?"
The guy barks, "Haven't you ever seen someone having their temperature taken?"
"Not with a petunia." -=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=- Speedbird 206
Those German controllers at Frankfurt Airport tend to be a short-tempered lot. They not only expect pilots to know their parking location but how to get there without any assistance. So it was with some amusement that we (PanAm 747) listened to the following exchange between Frankfurt ground and a British Airways 747 (radio call Speedbird 206) after landing.
Speedbird 206: "Good morning Frankfurt. Speedbird 206 clear to active."
Ground: "Good Morning. Taxi to your gate."
The British Airways 747 pulls onto the main taxiway and stops.
Ground: "Speedbird, do you know where you are going?"
Speedbird 206: "Stand by, ground. I'm looking up the gate location now."
Ground (impatiently): "Speedbird 206, have you never flown to Frankfurt before?"
Speedbird 206 (coolly), "Yes, in 1944. But I didn't
stop."
Subject: Virgin Narrows, physics answerDate: Sat, 16 Jan 1999 08:32:00 -0800
From: Magic Mike B <mike@funandmagic.comOrganization: http://funandmagic.com/
To: "MagicMailout bcc's" <"MagicMailout bcc's"@funandmagic.com
Hi,
Today's photo link is the golden wall of the Virgin Narrows
canyon, showing the extraordinary light you can captured on the Navajo
sandstone walls. http://funandmagic.com/photolinks2.htm Often you hear me talk
about my love of physics. I love the metaphysical side. So here is another
great physics question answered. Have a magic day and pass it on. Magic
Mike http://funandmagic.com/ The question was raised: "If
a man alone in the woods speaks, and his wife cannot hear him, is he still
wrong?"
I have considered this question in light of the principles of Modern Physics and offer my thesis, dedicated to my wife, who anchors me in reality.
In the year 1900 Max Planck discovered that the energy of light is quantified. In 1905 Albert Einstein used Planck's Constant to write the theory of the Photoelectric Effect, that light behaves as a particle when it comes to energy transfer. Louis de Broglie proposed that particles can have a wave nature and this fact was later verified.
These discoveries led Neils Bohr to propose a radical theory of the atom, which was partially successful in explaining the emission spectra of the hydrogen atom. Neils Bohr was compelled to introduce the Principle of "Complementarity," that light is both a particle and a wave.
The modern theories were extended when Max Born showed that the distribution of energy was a function of probability. Further, Warner Heisenberg wrote the Principle of Uncertainty, which says that it is impossible to determine the exact location of an electron and the vector direction of its momentum at the same time.
This was followed with the master stroke penned by Erwin Schrodinger. Using the "Psi function" of Quantum Mechanics, Schrodinger could map the "wave field" of any particle, thus giving us a theoretical explanation for the structure of an atom and the entire periodic table of the elements.
The Quantum mechanics predicts that a wave of a single frequency would stretch out to infinite proportions, the superposition of a narrow range of frequencies produces a standing wave function which can be localized to a much more precise location. Thus the electron and its position within an atom becomes a cloud of probability.
From this I infer that there are such states as being right and being wrong, within certain parameters of uncertainty. Applying the Psi function, the more vague the statement of the man the greater the probability of him being correct. The narrower and more specific his utterance the greater the likelihood of his being wrong.
Also, the Principle of Complementarity assures us that if a man alone in the woods speaks, and his wife can not hear him, he is BOTH right and wrong until he comes out of the woods.
In the analogy of Schrodinger's Cat, the cat in the box is both dead and alive until someone opens the lid. The act of observing the phenomenon determines the outcome.
Thus, the inevitable conclusion is that it doesn't matter what the man says only his wife can determine whether or not he is correct.
-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=
-=-=-=-=-=-=
Two cannibals, a father and son, were elected by the tribe to go out and get something to eat. They walked deep into the jungle and waited by a path.
Before long, along came this little old man. The son said, "Ooh dad, there's one."
"No," said the father. "There's not enough meat on that one to even feed the dogs. We'll just wait."
Well, a little while later, along came this really fat man. The son said, "Hey dad, he's plenty big enough."
"No," the father said. "We'd all die of a heart attack from the fat in that one. We'll just wait."
About an hour later, here comes this absolutely gorgeous woman. The son said, "Now there's nothing wrong with that one dad. Let's eat her."
"No," said the father. "We'll not eat her either."
"Why not?" asked the son.
"Because, we're going to take her back alive and eat your mother."
Subject: Y2day, Orion
Date: Thu, 14 Jan 1999 23:29:55 -0800
From: mmb <mmb.
To: "MagicMailout bcc's" <"MagicMailout bcc's"@funandmagic.com
Hi,
Y2K? Y not 2day? I somehow had the date on my
computer messed up by a day. This went undiscovered for a few days. I wished
my Dad Happy 75th a few days early. (Glad he made it the extra 2 days:)
All my letters went wrong. And I felt out of synch. So just picture the
big one!
And I saw the scariest story 60 Minutes2 last
night about Soviet plutonium. The thought of deteriorating stockpiles is
the stuff nightmares are made of. Who needs Stephen King!? The Orion Nebula
is one of the fines. Here's another photo of it. http://funandmagic.com/photolinks2.htm
There is a new phone offer on my site that is 6.9 cents a minute interstate
calls http://funandmagic.com/mmmoney.htmHave a magic day and pass it on.
Magic Mike
http://funandmagic.com/
-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=
-=-=-=--=-=
So what's happened is that the woman who said that she had
been lying, when she had earlier said that Kathleen Willey wasn't lying
when she said that President Clinton was lying when he accused her of lying
about his attempt to grope her in the White House, has been accused by
Ken Starr of lying about whether she was lying or not. Is Starr lying?-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=--=-=-=-=-=-=
My eight year old daughter was reading the back of a lemon
juice bottle while we were eating our dinner. Noting that the bottle said
that it was "not made from concentrate" she asked me what that
meant. I told her that it was made from distracted lemons. While my wife
was shaking her head in the disbelief, my daughter, in a thoughtful tone,
said "that must be why they got caught."
-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=
-=-=-=-=-=
Seems this Russian wine exporter was trying to get his product
past a bureaucrat who insisted on a payoff. The bureaucrat quoted a figure
of $10,000 to let the shipment past his checkpoint. The exporter replied
that the price seemed a little high -- as for only $2000 he could have
the bureaucrat killed.
Subject: Sag Star CLoud, lots of jokes and factsDate: Thu, 14 Jan 1999 00:41:47 -0800
From: Magic Mike B <mike@funandmagic.comOrganization: http://funandmagic.com/To: "MagicMailout bcc's" <"MagicMailout bcc's"@funandmagic.com
Hi,
Today's pic is the Sagittarius Star Cloud, close
to the center of our galaxy, it has some of the oldest stars in our system.
Wipe that dust off your telescope at http://funandmagic.com/photolinks2.htm There's a place called http://www.webjump.com/
that will give you 25 megs for a free site. Check it out!
I have been avoiding TV news for days and teaching
people Go at the Internet
Gaming Zone.
Drop in!
Have a magic day and pass this on!
Magic Mike
http://funandmagic.com/Thought for the day I think that in addition to caller ID,
we need caller IQ, - who wants to talk to some idiot?
http://terraserver.microsoft.com, see anywhere.
The reason most people play golf is to wear clothes they
would not be caught
dead in otherwise. --Roger Simon
If it weren't for electricity we'd all be watching television by candlelight. --George Gobel
Maybe there is no actual place called hell. Maybe hell is just having to listen to our grandparents breathe through their noses when they're eating sandwiches. --Jim Carrey
My mom said she learned how to swim. Someone took her out in the lake and threw her off the boat. That's how she learned how to swim. I said, "Mom, they weren't trying to teach you how to swim." --Paula Poundstone
Growing old is mandatory; growing up is optional.
Insanity is my only means of relaxation.
Forget the health food. I need all the preservatives I can get.
Blessed are those who hunger and thirst, for they are sticking to their diets.
You're getting old when you get the same sensation from a rocking chair that you once got from a roller coaster.
Perhaps you know why women over fifty don't have babies:
They would put them
down somewhere and forget where they left them.
God put me on earth to accomplish a certain number of things. Right now I am so far behind, I will live forever.
It's frustrating when you know all the answers, but nobody bothers to ask you the questions.
Stress reducer: Put a bag on your head. Mark it "Closed for remodeling." ** caution - leave air holes.
I finally got my head together, and my body fell apart.
There cannot be a crisis this week; my schedule is already full.
The real art of conversation is not only to say the right thing in the right place, but also to leave unsaid the wrong thing at the tempting moment.
The best way to forget all your troubles is to wear tight shoes.
The nice part of living in a small town is that when I
don't know
what I'm doing, someone else does.
The older you get, the tougher it is to lose weight, because by then your body and your fat are really good friends.
Age doesn't always bring wisdom. Sometimes age comes alone.
Just when I was getting used to yesterday, along came today.
Sometimes I think I understand everything, then I regain consciousness.
You don't stop laughing because you grow old; you grow old because you stop laughing.
I don't mind the rat race, but I could do with a little more cheese.
I had to give up jogging for my health. My thighs kept rubbing together and setting my pantyhose on fire.
Amazing! You just hang something in your closet for a while, and it shrinks two sizes.
Age is important only if you're a cheese.
Freedom of the press means no-iron clothes.
Inside some of us is a thin person struggling to get out, but she can usually be sedated with a few pieces of chocolate cake.
Seen it all, done it all, can't remember most of it. *** A completely inebriated man walked into a bar and, after staring for some time at the only woman seated at the bar, walked over to her, placed his hand up her skirt and began fondling her. She jumped up and slapped him silly.
He immediately apologized and explained, "I'm sorry. I thought you were my wife. You look exactly like her."
"Why you drunken, worthless, insufferable motherfcker!" she screamed.
"Funny," he muttered, "you even sound exactly like her."
On a hot, dusty day a cowboy rode into a small frontier town. After dismounting, he walked behind his horse, lifted it's tail, and kissed it where the sun don't shine. An old man in a rocking chair in front of the general store witnessed the whole thing. "What ya do that fer?" he asked. "Got chapped lips," the cowboy replied. The old man asked, "Does that help?" The cowboy said, "No, but it keeps me from lickin' 'em.
Actual Bumper Stickers If ignorance is bliss, you must be orgasmic. Jesus is coming, everyone look busy. There's too much blood in my alcohol system. I used to have a handle on life, but it broke. WANTED: Meaningful overnight relationship. BEER: It's not just for breakfast anymore. So you're a feminist...Isn't that cute! I need someone really bad... are you really bad? The more you complain, the longer God lets you live. My kid had sex with your honor student. Help wanted telepathy: you know where to apply. I'm just driving this way to piss you off. Born again pagan. God must love stupid people, he made so many. .
Sayings that should be on buttons:
Well, this day was a total waste of makeup.
Make yourself at home! Clean my kitchen.
Who are these kids and why are they calling me Mom?
A hard-on doesn't count as personal growth.
Don't bother me. I'm living happily ever after.
Do I look like a freakin' people person?
This isn't an office. It's Hell with fluorescent lighting.
I started out with nothing & still have most of it left.
I pretend to work. They pretend to pay me.
I've found Jesus. He was behind the sofa the whole time.
If I throw a stick, will you leave?
You! Off my planet!
Bottomless pit of needs & wants.
I like cats, too. Let's exchange recipes.
Friendly checkout clerk. Thanks for keeping me that way.
Does your train of thought have a caboose?
Did the aliens forget to remove your anal probe?
Errors have been made. Others will be blamed.
And just how may I screw you over today?
And your crybaby whiny-assed opinion would be . . .?
If only you'd use your powers for good instead of evil . . .
Allow me to introduce my selves.
Sarcasm is just one more service we offer.
Better living through denial.
Suburbia: where they tear out the trees & then name streets after them.
I'm just working here till a good fast-food job opens up.
Are those your eyeballs? I found them in my cleavage.
I'm not your type. I'm not inflatable.
I'm trying to imagine you with a personality.
Mall whore: I can suck the numbers right off your credit cards.
After I cook the vegetables, what do I do with the wheelchairs?
I can't remember if I'm the good twin or the evil one.
Don't worry. I forgot your name, too!
One of us is thinking about sex . . . OK, it's me.
How many times do I have to flush before you go away?
I just want revenge. Is that so wrong?
It's sick the way you people keep having sex without me.
You say I'm a bitch like it's a bad thing.
Nice perfume. Must you marinate in it?
Not all men are annoying. Some are dead.
Ambivalent? Well, yes and no.
You look like shit. Is that the style now?
Everyone thinks I'm psychotic, except for my friends deep inside the earth.
Earth is full. Go home.
Does this condom make me look fat?
Did I mention the kick in the groin you'll be receiving if you touch me?
I plead contemporary insanity.
I thought I wanted a career . . . turns out I just wanted paychecks.
How do I set a laser printer to stun?
It ain't the size, it's . . . no, it's the size.
I majored in liberal arts. Will that be for here or to go?
CRIMINAL DARWIN AWARDS..........
A true story out of San Francisco:
A man, wanting to rob a downtown Bank of America, walked into the branch and wrote "this iz a stikkup. Put all your muny in this bag." While standing in line, waiting to give his note to the teller, he began to worry that someone had seen him write the note and might call the police before he reached the teller window. So he left the Bank of America and crossed the street to Wells Fargo.
After waiting a few minutes in line, he handed his note to the Wells Fargo teller. She read it and, surmising from his spelling errors that he was not the brightest light in the harbor, told him that she could not accept his stickup note because it was written on a Bank of America deposit slip and that he would either have to fill out a Wells Fargo deposit slip or go back to Bank of America.
Looking somewhat defeated, the man said "OK"
and left. The Wells Fargo teller then called the police who arrested the
man a few minutes later, as he was waiting in line back at Bank of America._______________________________________
________________________
A motorist was unknowingly caught in an automated speed
trap that measured his speed using radar and photographed his car. He later
received in the mail a ticket for $40 and a photo of his car. Instead of
payment, he sent the police department a photograph of $40. Several days
later, he received a letter from the police that contained another picture...
of handcuffs. The motorist promptly sent the money for the fine.
_______________________________________
_________________________
Drug Possession Defendant Christopher Jansen, on trial
in March in Pontiac, Michigan, said he had been searched without a warrant.
The prosecutor said the officer didn't need a warrant because a "bulge"
in Christopher's jacket could have been a gun. Nonsense, said Christopher,
who happened to be wearing the same jacket that day in court. He handed
it over so the judge could see it. The judge discovered a packet of cocaine
in the pocket and laughed so hard he required a five minute recess to compose
himself.
_______________________________________
________________________
Detroit: R.C. Gaitlan, 21 walked up to two patrol officers
who were showing their squad car computer equipment to children in a Detroit
neighbourhood. When he asked how the system worked, the officer asked him
for identification. Gaitlan gave them his drivers license, they entered
it into the computer, and moments later they arrested Gaitlan because information
on the screen showed Gaitlan was wanted for a two-year-old armed robbery
in St. Louis, Missouri.
_______________________________________
______________________________
The Vatican has decided that it is not a sin to kiss a nun ; just don't get into the habit !!!
Subject: Aspens in Winter, Expensive Tripp, Green Coke, A Blessing of Unicorns Date: Thu, 14 Jan 1999 00:31:25 -0800
From: Magic Mike B <mike@funandmagic.comOrganization: http://funandmagic.com/To: "MagicMailout bcc's" <"MagicMailout bcc's"@funandmagic.com
Hi,
We've seen these Southwest USA photos so much
you almost forget it's Winter. It is! Aspens in Winter have magic, though.
Gnaw the bark at http://funandmagic.com/photolinks2.htm I am so sick of Washington
sex news. And to think how much I struggle to pay my taxes and they are
a drop in the bottomless bucket of waste with these hearing about orgasms.
The only person get screwed is us. I didn't even get kissed! Did you? Is
this without a doubt the world's most expensive sex tripp?
Take your mind off it and have a laugh at some new and old
facts.
Have a magic day and pass this on please.
Magic Mike
http://funandmagic.com/"
-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=
-=-=-=-=
Important Facts to know: The first couple to be shown in
bed together on prime time television were Fred and Wilma Flintstone.
Coca-Cola was originally green.
Every day more money is printed for Monopoly than the US Treasury.
It is possible to lead a cow upstairs but not downstairs.
Smartest dogs: 1) Jack Russell Terrier & Scottish Border Collie.
Dumbest dog: Afghan hound.
Hawaiian alphabet has 12 letters.
Men can read smaller print than women; women can hear better.
Amount American Airlines saved in 1987 by eliminating one olive from each salad served first class: $40,000.
City with the most Rolls Royce's per capita: Hong Kong.
State with the highest percentage of people who walk to work: Alaska.
Percentage of Africa that is wilderness: 28%.
Percentage of North America that is wilderness: 38%.
Barbie's measurements if she were life size: 39-23-33.
Average number of days a West German goes without washing his underwear: 7.
Percentage of American men who say they would marry the same woman if they had it to do all over again: 80%.
Percentage of American women who say they'd marry the same man: 50%.
Cost of raising a medium-size dog to the age of eleven: $6,400.
Average number of people airborne over the US any given hour: 61,000.
Percentage of Americans who have visited Disneyland/Disney World: 70%.
Average life span of a major league baseball: 7 pitches.
Only President to win a Pulitzer: John F. Kennedy for Profiles in Courage.
Intelligent people have more zinc and copper in their hair.
The world's youngest parents were 8 and 9 and in lived in China 1910.
The youngest pope was 11 years old.
Iceland consumes more Coca-Cola per capita than any other nation.
First novel ever written on a typewriter: Tom Sawyer.
A duck's quack doesn't echo, and no one knows why.
The San Francisco Cable cars are the only mobile National monuments.
Hang On Sloopy is the official rock song of Ohio.
Did you know that there are coffee flavored PEZ?
The reason firehouses have circular stairways is from the days of yore when the engines were pulled by horses. The horses were stabled on the ground floor and figured out how to walk up straight staircases.
The airplane Buddy Holly died in was the "American Pie." (Thus the name of the Don McLean song.)
When opossums are playing 'possum, they are not "playing." They actually pass out from sheer terror.
The Main Library at Indiana University sinks over an inch every year because when it was built, engineers failed to take into account the weight of all the books that would occupy the building.
Each king in a deck of playing cards represents a great king from history. Spades - King David, Clubs - Alexander the Great, Hearts - Charlemagne, and Diamonds - Julius Caesar.
111,111,111 x 111,111,111 = 12,345,678,987,654,321
"I am." is the shortest complete sentence in the English language.
The Eisenhower interstate system requires that one mile in every five must be straight. These straight sections are usable as airstrips in times of war or other emergencies.
The name Jeep came from the abbreviation used in the army for the "General Purpose" vehicle, G.P.
The Pentagon, in Arlington, Virginia, has twice as many bathrooms as is necessary. When it was built in the 1940s, the state of Virginia still had segregation laws requiring separate toilet facilities for blacks and whites.
The cruise liner, Queen Elizabeth II, moves only six inches for each gallon of diesel that it burns.
The highest point in Pennsylvania is lower than the lowest point in Colorado.
Nutmeg is extremely poisonous if injected intravenously.
The first toilet ever seen on television was on "Leave It To Beaver".
The only two days of the year in which there are no professional sports games (MLB, NBA, NHL, or NFL) are the day before and the day after the Major League all-stars Game.
Only one person in two billion will live to be 116 or older.
The name Wendy was made up for the book "Peter Pan."
The nursery rhyme Ring Around the Rosey is a rhyme about the plague. Infected people with the plague would get red circular sores ("Ring around the rosey..."), these sores would smell very badly so common folks would put flowers on their bodies somewhere (inconspicuously), so that it would cover the smell of the sores ("...a pocket full of poseys..."). People who died from the plague would be burned so as to reduce the possible spread of the disease ("...ashes, ashes, we all fall down!")
On a Canadian two dollar bill, the flag flying over the Parliament Building is an American flag.
All of the clocks in the movie Pulp Fiction are stuck on 4:20.
Almonds are members of the peach family.
Of the six men who made up the Three Stooges, three of them were real brothers (Moe, Curly and Shemp.)
Ingrown toenails are hereditary.
In Mel Brooks' "Silent Movie", mime Marcel Marceau is the only person who has a speaking role.
Pulp Fiction cost $8 million to make - $5 million going to actor's salaries.
A full seven percent of the entire Irish barley crop goes to the production of Guinness beer.
Tigers have striped skin, not just striped fur.
Deborah Winger did the voice of E.T.
In most advertisements, including newspapers, the time displayed on a watch is 10:10.
Alfred Hitchcock didn't have a belly button. It was eliminated when he was sewn up after surgery.
Telly Savalas and Louis Armstrong died on their birthdays.
Al Capone's business card said he was a used furniture dealer.
The muzzle of a lion is like a fingerprint - no two lions have the same pattern of whiskers.
Betsy Ross was born with a fully formed set of teeth.
The only real person to be a Pez head was Betsy Ross.
Bob Dylan's real name is Robert Zimmerman.
A pregnant goldfish is called a twit.
When the University of Nebraska Cornhuskers play football at home, the stadium becomes the state's third largest city.
Dueling is legal in Paraguay as long as both parties are registered blood donors.
The characters Bert and Ernie on Sesame Street were named after Bert the cop and Ernie the taxi driver in Frank Capra's "Its A Wonderful Life."
A dragonfly has a life span of 24 hours.
A goldfish has a memory span of three seconds.
A quarter has 119 grooves around the edge.
A dime has 118 ridges around the edge.
Bingo is the name of the dog on the Cracker Jack box.
Charles de Gaulle's final words were, "It hurts."
ABBA got their name by taking the first letter from each of their first names (Agnetha, Bjorn, Benny, Anni-frid.)
The giant squid has the largest eyes in the world.
Who's that playing the piano on the "Mad About You" theme? It's Paul Reiser himself.
Kelsey Grammar sings and plays the piano for the theme song of Fraiser.
In England, the Speaker of the House is not allowed to speak.
The letters KGB stand for Komitet Gosudarstvennoy Bezopasnosti.
Alexander the Great was an epileptic.
A donkey will sink in quicksand but a mule won't.
Mr. Rogers is an ordained minister.
Hugh "Ward Cleaver" Beaumont was an ordained minister.
John Lennon's first girlfriend was named Thelma Pickles.
The average garden variety caterpillar has 248 muscles in its head.
Certain frogs can be frozen solid then thawed, and continue living.
Dartboards are made out of horse hairs.
Napoleon constructed his battle plans in a sandbox.
Virgina Woolf wrote all her books standing.
A cat has 32 muscles in each ear.
The only planet without a ring is earth.
Wayne's World was filmed in two weeks.
A group of unicorns is called a blessing.
Subject: [Fwd: PP 99 - 1]Date: Tue, 12 Jan 1999 23:46:49 -0800
From: Magic Mike B <mike@funandmagic.comOrganization: http://funandmagic.com/To: "MagicMailout bcc's" <"MagicMailout bcc's"@funandmagic.com
Hi,
Here is another striking slot canyon picture, and as hard
as it is to believe, THIS ONE is the best! See Energy streaming through
the slot at Antelope Canyon. http://funandmagic.com/photolinks2.htm
Antelope Freeway is just 1/256th mile away! Or is it 1/512th? Ask Phil!Have a magic day and pass it on!
Magic Mike
http://funandmagic.com/
Subject: PP 99 - 1
Date: Mon, 11 Jan 1999 22:23:47 -0500
From: Phil Proctor <PProctor@compuserve.com
"Middle Age? That's the age at which you begin to grow a middle." -- From "Say Moi", a work in regress.
GRAMMY, HOW I LOVE YA! The Firesign Theatre (whom I know personally) have just been nominated a second time for a Grammy honoring their best-selling Rhino CD, "Give Me Immortality or Give Me Death" which will be presented at the gala awards ceremony, February 24th, at the Shrine auditorium in Los Angeles. The other contenders are Mel Brooks & Carl Reiner for the "2000-Year Old Man in the year 2000", Steve Martin for his spoken book, "Pure Drivel", Jerry Seinfeld for his HBO special, and Jeff Foxworthy for his solo album. On the local KTLA Morning News, entertainment reporter Sam Rubin asked comedian George Carlin how he felt about the choices and he said something like, "I have to go with Firesign. Their new album reminds me of all the great stuff they did in the '70s, so they get my vote." And that's george with us, George! We want to thank the Academy...
"Who so would be a man, must be a nonconformist. Nothing at last is so sacred but the integrity of your own mind." -- R.W. Emerson
WARNING! VIRU.S. WARNING! If you get an envelope from a company called the Internal Revenue Service," DO NOT OPEN IT! This group operates a scam around this time every year. Their letter claims that you owe them money, which they will take and use to pay for the operation of essential functions of the United States government. This is untrue! The money the IRS collects is used to fund various inefficient and pointless social engineering projects. This organization has ties to another shady outfit called the Social Security Administration, who claim to take money from your regular paychecks and save it for your retirement. In truth, the SSA uses the money to pay for the same misguided make-work projects the IRS helps mastermind. These scam artists have bilked honest, hard working Americans out of billions of dollars. Don't be among them! FORWARD THIS MESSAGE TO EVERYONE YOU KNOW! "It's a rare person who can walk through a cow pasture and not have to clean his shoes. And this is a big old cow pasture." -- Virginia political scientist Larry Sabato on the coming impeachment trial (L.A. Times)
BLOW CRIMES AND MISBEHAVIORS According to AP, on December 18th of last year the Russian parliament appealed to Monica Lewinsky to stop the retaliatory attack on Iraq in a motion drafted by lawmaker Alex Filatov. "The state Duma appeals to Ms Lewinsky to undertake corresponding measures to restrain the emotions of Bill Clinton." Well, it didn't work for Bosnia, so... Also, The Washington Post reports that Dan Burton approved nearly $500,000 in payments and salary to Claudia Keller, his campaign manager, "and part-time clown." And speaking of show business, according to the New Yorker, Chief Justice Rehnquist's judicial robe, with the gold stripes on the sleeves, is based on the Lord Chancellor from Gilbert & Sullivan's "Iolanthe." After all, Rehnquist was appointed by Richard Nixon, the geek that dressed the White House guards in costumes dripping with more gold braid, white fuss and feathers than a gay Nazi doorman. After Nixon skipped, the outfits were sold as band uniforms. As Leno says, "Is that good idea to put Monica Lewinsky in a big room with a bunch of politicians and a hundred desks? She could disappear for weeks." Any way you look at it, "This is going to be a trial."
"I married my wife once, but I married my brother, twice." -- Universal Church Minister and dear departed friend, Richard Paul
PSYCHIATRIC HOTLINE! If you are obsessive-compulsive, please press 1 REPEATEDLY!!!! If you are codependent, press 2 for someone else. If you have multiple personalities, please press 3, 4, 5, and 6. If you are paranoid-delusional, we know who you are and what you want; stay on the line so we can trace the call. If you are schizophrenic, listen carefully and a little voice will tell you which number to press. If you are manic-depressive, it doesn't matter which number you press, no one will answer! If you are delusional and occasionally hallucinate, please be aware that the thing you are holding on the side of your head is alive and about to bite off your ear!
"A mind is like an umbrella. If it ain't open, it don't work."
TOP TEN AMISH SPRING BREAK ACTIVITIES: 10. Drink molasses till you heave. 9. Attend a Wet Bonnet contest. 8. Tear a page out of the room directory and totally trash it. 7. Throw a "Keg of Buttermilk" party. 6. Blow past the Dairy Queen on a really hot Clydesdale. 5. Get a tattoo that says: "Born to Raise Barns." 4. Dare to wear a see-through smock to bed. 3. Sleep in until 6:00am. 2. Cop a glance behind a checkout counter of the front cover of Playboy. 1. Churn butter naked.
"I'm here for the show" G. Carlin
WHAT IS REALITY? Steve Harvey, recalling the best and worst of the past year in his "Only in L.A." column, observed a panhander holding a sign that read "www.50 cents.com" and at the "vperson.com" site you can download an english-speaking "verbot" (virtual software robot) for only $14.98 -- Sylvie, a girl-next-door; Ka, an E.T.; Tokemi, a Swedish babe (with what, a Finnish name?) or it's not "verbot-en" to order a customized companion. Furthermore, out of the 1,081 new edicts signed into California law by Governor , are those saying that search and arrest warrants can now be delivered by email and cyber-stalking is officially a crime. But in the "real" world, it is finally legal to scatter your personal ashes on your own property and OK to discard used flashlight and radio batteries in the trash, along with yourself and your week- old obsolete computer. "Why don't the British build computers? Because they haven't been able to make one leak oil." -- From da net...
EL BOYO LOGO SPRINGFIELD, IL--A local teenager was in stable condition Monday after nearly being crushed to death by the 263 corporate logos he recklessly wore at one time. "The patient was admitted to our emergency room unable to breathe," St. Joseph's Hospital chief of surgery Dr. Lyle Wilson-Scheidt said. "His chest was collapsed under the weight of nearly 150 pounds of company and product logos, including Tommy Hilfiger, Abercrombie & Fitch, Pepsi, Nike, Adidas, Fubu, Taco Bell, Nintendo, MTV, Budweiser, the Chicago Bulls, the NBA and, for some reason, Aetna Life Insurance." Hospital workers used a jaws-of-life device to extract the 14-year-old from the deadly crush of insignias. The AMA strongly warns individuals ,against wearing more than one logo for every five pounds of body weight. -- THE ONION
"And today more bad news for President Clinton. You know the New Year's baby? That's his too, it doesn't stop." Leno
ONLY 354 SHOPPING DAYS TIL CHRISTMAS Brain Gum which claims to raise your I.Q from soy-derived PhosphatidylSerine, is still available from Midlothian, Virginia at $59.95 a crate in an ad that states "as we age, depression, social withdrawal and low self-esteem often result from compromised ability to perform everyday tasks involving memory and cognition." I'd tell you where to order it, but I forgot. Other gift suggestions: cans of "Creamed Possum with Sweet Potatoes Garnished in Coon Fat Gravy", "Fart Sludge", "Same Shit, Different Millennium" and "So many Cats - So few Good Recipes" Tees and sweatshirts from "Funny Side Up". And from the "Bright Life" collection. a Drum Set Alarm Clock that plays a real drum solo, a Butane Pencil Torch, Adorable Dancing Chickens, Musical Bird Magnets and a Hell's Angel Motorcycle Watch. And from the "Vroom" catalogue of Rock and Roll, you can get a Guitar-shaped Toilet Seat and Lid, "actually made by skilled guitar craftsmen," and presently owned by Michael McKean, Willie Nelson, Merle Haggard and Howard Stern, for $129 to $229. Goes well with the "Fit For A King" Elvis Presley Cookbook. After all, he did die on the throne. "The breast enhancing cream was a bust..." Heard on a local news program. THAT STINKS! Well, according to Fortean Times, "studies have shown that while the sense of smell does no better at retrieving memories from the brain than hearing, seeing or feeling, it does retrieve recollections more intensely. " So with products from Demeter Fragrances in Red Cross, PA you can smell like "soil, bread, basil, tomato, gin & tonic, fig leaf, leather, petrol, burnt toast or carrots." And available in '99 -- Eau de Funeral Parlor and Art-Class Glue. Or go for the "Anti-aroma-therapy Collection", which includes "Crabby, Fed Up, Manic, Depleted and Jilted." (It's beginning to smell a lot like Christmas...)
"For every actor, there is an equal and opposite director." -- Hank Rosenfeld
YZK? Dear Cassius -- Are you still working on the Y-zero-K problem? This change from BC to AD is giving us a headache, and we haven't much time left. Having been working happily downwards forever, now we have to start thinking upwards! You'ld think that someone would have thought of it earlier and not left it to us to sort it all out at this last minute... I spoke to Caesar the other evening and he was livid that Julius hadn't done something about it when he was sorting out the calendar. (He said he could see why Brutus turned nasty.) We called in the consulting astrologers, but they simply said that continuing downwards using minus BC won't work. (As usual, the consultant charged a fortune for doing nothing useful!) As for myself, I just can't see the sand in an hourglass flowing upwards. We've heard that there are three wise men in the East who have been working on the problem, but unfortunately they won't arrive until it's all over; and some say the world will cease to exist at the moment of transition! Anyway, we are continuing to work on this blasted Y-zero-K problem, and I'll send you a parchment if anything further develops. -- Vale, Plutonius
"I'm just hoping for a few days off, and perhaps, the total extinction of the Department of Motor Vehicles." -- Y2K, according to PBS' Robert X. Cringley.
GOD IS LITE (AP) -- A leading Orthodox rabbi in Bnei Brak, Israel has ruled that the word "God" may be erased from a computer screen or disk, because the pixels do not constitute real letters. Rabbi Moshe Shaul Klein published his ruling this week in a computer magazine aimed at Orthodox Jews,"Mahsheva Tova", a pun that means both "Good Computer" and "Worthy Thinking" and itself reflects the growing incursion of modern implements into the world of the ultra-Orthodox. According to Jewish law, printed matter with the word "elohim" in Hebrew and its manifestations in any other language must be stored, or ritually buried. (Tanks, Rabbi Margolis.) "That was the first three minutes of 'Das Robbins Eck' by Johann Pueler. We'll be back with more classical music as soon as we can get a turntable working." -- As heard on most public-supported radio stations...
+++++++++++(1/11/99)++++++++++ * PLANET PROCTOR: www.planetproctor.com * FIRESIGN SITE: www.firesigntheatre.com * FIREZINE: $15.00 per annum: www.intrepid.net/~firezine/ * FIRESIGN PRODUCT: www.lodestone-media.com * FUNNY TIMES: www.funnytimes.com PLANET PROCTOR (C) 1999 by Phil Proctor
Subject: Millenium problemsDate: Mon, 11 Jan 1999 22:30:56 -0800
From: Magic Mike B <mike@funandmagic.comOrganization: http://funandmagic.com/To: "MagicMailout bcc's" <"MagicMailout bcc's"@funandmagic.com
Hi,
Here's another slot canyon photo, at Zion National
Park. Just beautiful. http://funandmagic.com/photolinks2.htmHave a magic day and pass it on.
Magic Mike
http://funandmagic.com/
-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=
-=-=-=-=-=--=-=-=-
Subject: Cards for the Psychiatrically ChallengedDate: Sat, 09 Jan 1999 12:27:06 -0800
From: Magic Mike B <mike@funandmagic.comOrganization: http://funandmagic.com/To: "MagicMailout bcc's" <"MagicMailout bcc's"@funandmagic.com
In retrospect, the problem seems clear: HAL wasn't Y2K-compliant.
Hi,
Today's desktop recommendation is Klamath Lake in Northern
California at sunset. http://funandmagic.com/photolinks2.htm
Did you throw away your holiday greeting cards yet? Did you get any like
these?
Have a magic day and pass it on.
Magic Mike
http://funandmagic.com/Christmas Cards for the Psychiatrically Challenged
SCHIZOPHRENIA: Do You Hear What I Hear?
MULTIPLE PERSONALITY DISORDER: We Three Kings Disoriented Are
DEMENTIA: I Think I'll Be Home For Christmas
NARCISSISTIC: Hark, the Herald Angels Sing About Me
MANIC: Deck the Halls and Walls and House and Lawn and Streets and Stores and Office and Town and Cars and Busses and Trucks and Trees and Fire Hydrants and . . .
PARANOID: Santa Claus Is Coming To Get Me
PERSONALITY DISORDER: You Better Watch Out, I'm Gonna Cry, I'm Gonna Pout, Maybe I'll Tell You Why
DEPRESSION: Silent Anhedonia, Holy Anhedonia, All Is Flat, All Is Lonely
OBSESSIVE-COMPULSIVE DISORDER: Jingle Bell, Jingle Bell, Jingle Bell Rock, Jingle Bell, Jingle Bell, Jingle Bell Rock, Jingle Bell, Jingle Bell, Jingle Bell Rock, Jingle Bell, Jingle Bell, Jingle Bell Rock, Jingle Bell, Jingle Bell, Jingle Bell Rock, Jingle Bell, Jingle Bell, Jingle Bell Rock, Jingle Bell, Jingle Bell, Jingle Bell Rock, Jingle Bell, Jingle Bell, Jingle Bell Rock, Jingle Bell, Jingle Bell, Jingle Bell Rock, Jingle Bell, Jingle Bell, Jingle Bell Rock, Jingle Bell, Jingle Bell, Jingle Bell Rock, Jingle Bell, Jingle Bell, Jingle Bell Rock, Jingle Bell, Jingle Bell, Jingle Bell Rock, Jingle Bell, Jingle Bell, Jingle Bell Rock, Jingle Bell, Jingle Bell, Jingle Bell Rock, Jingle Bell, Jingle Bell, Jingle Bell Rock, Jingle Bell, Jingle Bell, Jingle Bell Rock, Jingle Bell, Jingle Bell, Jingle Bell Rock, Jingle Bell, Jingle Bell, Jingle Bell Rock, Jingle Bell, Jingle Bell, Jingle Bell Rock, Jingle Bell, Jingle Bell, Jingle Bell Rock, ........ (better start again)
PASSIVE-AGGRESSIVE PERSONALITY: On The First Day of Christmas My True Love Gave To Me (and then took it all away)
BORDERLINE PERSONALITY DISORDER: Thoughts of Roasting on an Open Fire. My five years old grandson was speaking to his Grandma one day, and he used the word, "mature".
http://funandmagic.com/magicjokeparlor.htm
Subject: Is that a butte? No it's a mound, and right pretty too!
Date: Fri, 08 Jan 1999 22:34:20 -0800
From: Magic Mike B <mike@funandmagic.comOrganization: http://funandmagic.com/To: "MagicMailout bcc's" <"MagicMailout bcc's"@funandmagic.com
If my web links become overgrown, should I modem?
Hi,
Here is a great shot of buttes at sunset in
Monument Valley.
http://funandmagic.com/photolinks2.htmHave a magic day and pass it on!
Magic Mike
http://funandmagic.com/Top Ten Signs You're Suffering From Burnout:
10. You're so tired you now answer the phone, "Hell".9. Your friends call to ask how you've been, and you immediately
scream, "Get off my back, bitch!"
8. Your garbage can IS your "in" box.
7. You wake up to discover your bed is on fire, but go back
to sleep because you just don't care.
6. You have so much on your mind, you've forgotten how to
pee.
5. Visions of the upcoming weekend help you make it through
Monday.
4. You sleep more at work than at home.
3. You leave for a party and instinctively bring your briefcase.2. Your Day Timer exploded a week ago.
1. You think about how relaxing it would be if you were in
jail right now.
Subject: Henry Mountains
Date: Fri, 08 Jan 1999 00:55:34 -0800
From: Magic Mike B <mike@funandmagic.comOrganization: http://funandmagic.com/To: "MagicMailout bcc's" <"MagicMailout bcc's"@funandmagic.com
Hi,
Sorry about those addresses. I think it shouldn't happen
again. I have come to realize most of you don't know how to take advantage
of the two wallpaper slideshows, on the utilities page, that will play
the hundreds of photos at the photolink page. They are small freeware programs.
Panorama will play the photos to your desktop, while you're computing,
at any interval you want, if you save all photos you like to one folder.
Screensaver slideshow will run the photos from the folder when you haven't
typed anything for awhile, at any interval. Today's photo is Henry Mountains
at sunset at Capital Reef National Park. Hike there at http://funandmagic.com/photolinks2.htmHave a magic day and pass it on!
Magic Mike
http://funandmagic.com/
A woman goes into a store and buys a beautiful green and blue parrot. But the only words the parrot knows how to say are: "Who is it?" She takes the parrot home, but realizes that the bird's color clashes with the living room. So she calls an interior designer, who says he will come by shortly.
When the decorator comes, the woman is out shopping. He knocks on the door, and the parrot says, "who is it?"
The man says, "It's the decorator."
The parrot says, "who is it?"
The man says, "It's the decorator."
The parrot says, "Who is it?"
The man says "It's the decorator!!!"
The parrot says, "who is it?"
The man screams, "the decorator!" and gets so mad he starts jumping up and down, pops a blood vessel, and dies on the spot.
The lady comes home and finds a dead man lying on her
front porch. She says, "Oh my gosh...who is it?" and the parrot
says, "It's the decorator!"
-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=
-=-=-=-=-=-=-=
An anti-depression kit contains the following :An eraser, so you can make all your troubles disappear.A penny, so you never need to say you are broke.
A marble, in case someone says you've lost all of yours.A rubber band, to stretch yourself beyond your limits.A string, to tie things together when everything falls apart.And hugs and kisses to remind you that someone, somewhere,
cares. (
author anonymous)
Subject: Most exquisite ring in the Universe, and a bunch of funny stuff
Date: Thu, 07 Jan 1999 00:20:03 -0800
From: Magic Mike B <mike@funandmagic.comOrganization: http://funandmagic.com/To: "MagicMailout bcc's" <"MagicMailout bcc's"@funandmagic.com,
Hi,
Well, I'm writing and posting at night as of this writing
because I have so many people in Europe, Malaysia, and Philippines, and
East Coast U.S., that I'm accommodating their morning mail and desktops
by writing now instead at 8 AM Pacific time, as I have been. The site is
getting 400 to 600 hits a day. Now as much as I'm itching to share a few
more photos of Capital Reef with you, today's Hubble pic is beyond description.
Take a gaze at it at http://funandmagic.com/photolinks2.htmHave a major magic day and pass it on!
Magic Mike
http://funandmagic.com/
-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=
-=-=-=-=-=-=-=
-=-=-=--=-=-=(keep in mind you have to read this one with a London accent)
A bloke went to his mate's fancy dress costume party with
nothing but a naked girl on his back. "So what are you supposed to
be?" the host asked indignantly. "I'm a snail," the bloke
replied. The exasperated host asked, "How can you be a snail when
all you've got is that naked girl on your back?" The bloke replied.
"That's Michelle."
-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=
-=-=-=-=-=-=-=
--=-=-=-=-=(1.Q) How many divorced Men does it take to screw in a? light
bulb? ?
(1.A) Who knows they never get the house.
? (2.Q) How many divorced Women does it take to screw
in a light bulb? ?
(2.A) 4..... 1 to screw in the bulb, 3 to form a support
group.
-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=--=
There are fifteen crows on a fence!
The farmer shoots a third of them, how many are left?
Answer .......
None The gun shot scared 'em all off!
-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=
-=-=-=-=-=-=-=
-=-=-=-
Two men, sentenced to die in the electric chair on the same day, were led down to the room in which they would their maker. The priest had given them last rites, the formal speech had been given by the warden, and a final prayer had been said among the participants. The warden, turning to the first man, solemnly asked, "Son, do you have a last request?" To which the man replied, "Yes sir, I do. I love dance music. Could you please play the Macarena for me one last time?" "Certainly," replied the warden. He turned to the other man and asked, "Well, what about you, son? What is your final request?" " Please," said the condemned man, "kill me first."
You know what I did before I married? Anything I wanted to. -- Henny Youngman
Any husband who says. "My wife and I are completely equal partners," is talking about either a law firm or a hand of bridge. -- Bill Cosby
Keep your eyes wide open before marriage, half shut afterwards. --Benjamin Frankin
My wife dresses to kill. She cooks the same way. -- Henny Youngman
My wife and I were happy for twenty years. Then we met. -- Rodney Dangerfield
A good wife always forgives her husband when she's wrong. -- Milton Berle
I was married by a judge. I should have asked for a jury. -- George Burns
My mother buried three husbands, and two of them were just napping. -- Rita Rudner
The secret of a happy marriage remains a secret. -- Henny Youngman
People are always asking couples whose marriages have endured at least a quarter of a century for their secret for success. Actually, it is no secret at all. I am a forgiving woman. Long ago, I forgave my husband for not being Paul Newman. -- Erma Bombeck
At the cocktail party, one woman said to another, "Aren't you wearing your wedding ring on the wrong finger?" The other replied, "Yes, I am I married the wrong man."
After a quarrel, a wife said to her husband, "You know, I was a fool when I married you." The husband replied, "Yes, dear, but I was in love and didn't notice."
Depression is merely anger without enthusiasm.
When everything's coming your way, you're in the wrong lane.
Ambition is a poor excuse for not having enough sense to be lazy.
Dancing is a perpendicular expression of a horizontal desire.
For every action, there is an equal and opposite criticism.
A clear conscience is usually the sign of a bad memory.
If you must choose between two evils, pick the one you've never tried before.
Plan to be spontaneous tomorrow.
If you think nobody cares about you, try missing a couple of payments.
I'd kill for a Nobel Peace Prize.
Borrow money from pessimists - they don't expect it back.
Half the people you know are below average.
99 percent of lawyers give the rest a bad name.
42.7 percent of all statistics are made up on the spot.
A conscience is what hurts when all your other parts feel so good.
Subject: Upper Cathedral Valley, the labor pool
Date: Wed, 06 Jan 1999 09:14:33 -0800
From: Magic Mike B <mmb
Organization: http://funandmagic.com/To: "MagicMailout bcc's" <"MagicMailout bcc's"
Hi,
Let's sneak over to the Capital (Reef National Park) and
see the stunning Upper Cathedral Valley. http://funandmagic.com/photolinks2.htmI have a lot of trouble finding good people who will work.
I think it's the labor pool.
Have a magic day and pass it on.
Magic Mike
http://funandmagic.com/
Actual Fast Food Job Application
This is an actual job application someone submitted at a fast-food establishment........
NAME: Greg Bulmash
DESIRED POSITION: Reclining. Ha ha. But seriously, whatever's available. If I was in a position to be picky, I wouldn't be applying here in the first place.
DESIRED SALARY: $185,000 a year plus stock options and a Michael Ovitz style severance package. If that's not possible, make an offer and we can haggle.
EDUCATION: Yes.
LAST POSITION HELD: Target for middle management hostility.
SALARY: Less than I'm worth.
MOST NOTABLE ACHIEVEMENT: My incredible collection of stolen pens and post-it notes.
REASON FOR LEAVING: It sucked.
HOURS AVAILABLE TO WORK: Any.
PREFERRED HOURS: 1:30-3:30 p.m., Monday, Tuesday, and Thursday.
DO YOU HAVE ANY SPECIAL SKILLS?: Yes, but they're better suited to a more intimate environment.
MAY WE CONTACT YOUR CURRENT EMPLOYER?: If I had one, would I be here?
DO YOU HAVE ANY PHYSICAL CONDITIONS THAT WOULD PROHIBIT YOU FROM LIFTING UP TO 50 LBS?: Of what?
DO YOU HAVE A CAR?: I think the more appropriate question here would be "Do you have a car that runs?"
HAVE YOU RECEIVED ANY SPECIAL AWARDS OR RECOGNITION?: I may already be a winner of the Publishers Clearinghouse Sweepstakes.
DO YOU SMOKE?: Only when set on fire.
WHAT WOULD YOU LIKE TO BE DOING IN FIVE YEARS?: Living in the Bahamas with a fabulously wealthy super model who thinks I'm the greatest thing since sliced bread. Actually, I'd like to be doing that now.
DO YOU CERTIFY THAT THE ABOVE IS TRUE AND COMPLETE TO THE BEST OF YOUR KNOWLEDGE?: No, but I dare you to prove otherwise.
SIGN HERE: Scorpio with Libra rising.
The following is from an actual 1950s Home Economics textbook intended for High School girls, teaching them how to prepare for married life. Following this is the 1990's women's version...LOL1. Have dinner ready: Plan ahead, even the night before, to have a delicious meal - on time. This is a way of letting him know that you have been thinking about him, and are concerned about his needs. Most
men are hungry when they come home and the prospects of a good meal are part of the warm welcome needed.
2. Prepare yourself: Take 15 minutes to rest so you will be refreshed
when he arrives. Touch up your make-up, put a ribbon in your hair and be fresh looking. He has just been with a lot of work-weary people. Be a little gay and a little more interesting. His boring day may need a lift.
3. Clear away clutter. Make one last trip through the main part of the house just before your husband arrives, gathering up school books, toys, paper, etc. Then run a dust cloth over the tables. Your husband will feel he has reached a haven of rest and order, and it will give you a lift too.
4. Prepare the children. Take a few minutes to wash the children's hands and faces if they are small, comb their hair, and if necessary, change their clothes. They are little treasures and he would like to see them playing the part.
5. Minimize the noise: At the time of his arrival, eliminate all noise of washer, dryer, or vacuum. Try to encourage the children to be quiet. Greet him with a warm smile and be glad to see him.
6. Some DON'TS: Don't greet him with problems or complaints. Don't complain if he's late for dinner. Count this as minor compared with what he might have gone through that day.
7. Make him comfortable. Have him lean back in a comfortable chair or suggest he lay down in the bedroom. Have a cool or warm drink ready for him. Arrange his pillow and offer to take off his shoes. Speak in a low, soft, soothing and pleasant voice. Allow him to relax and unwind.
8. Listen to him: You may have a dozen things to tell him, but the moment of his arrival is not the time. Let him talk first.
9. Make the evening his: Never complain if he does not take you out to dinner or to other places of entertainment; instead try to understand his world of strain and pressure and his need to be home and relax.
10. The Goal: try to make your home a place of peace and order where your husband can relax.
Now the updated version for the 90s woman:
1. Have dinner ready. Make reservations ahead of time. If your day becomes too hectic, just leave him a voice mail message regarding where you'd like to eat and at what time. This lets him know that your day has been crappy and gives him an opportunity to change your mood.
2. Prepare yourself. A quick stop at the "LANCOME" counter on your way home will do wonders for your outlook and will keep you from becoming irritated every time he opens his mouth. (Don't forget to use his credit card !)
3. Clear away the clutter. Call the housekeeper and tell her that any miscellaneous items left on the floor by the children can be placed in
the Goodwill box in the garage.
4. Prepare the children. Send the children to their rooms to watch television or play Nintendo. After all, both of them are from his previous marriages.
5. Minimize the noise: If you happen to be home when he arrives, be in the bathroom with the door locked.
6. Some DON'TS: Don't greet him with problems and complaints. Let him speak first, and then your complaints will get more attention and remain fresh in his mind throughout dinner. Don't complain if he's late for dinner, simply remind him that the leftovers are in the fridge and you
left the dishes for him to do.
7. Make him comfortable: Tell him where he can find a blanket if he's
cold. This will really show you care.
8. Listen to him: But don't ever let him get the last word.
9. Make the evening his: Never complain if he does not take you out to dinner or other places of entertainment; go with a friend or go shopping (use his credit card). Familiarize him with the phrase "Girls' Night Out!"
10. The Goal: Try to keep things amicable without reminding him that he only thinks the world revolves around him. Obviously he's wrong, it revolves around you.
Q: Did you hear about the leper playing poker?
A: He threw in a rotten hand.
Subject: Earth from space, old friends, AOL-Town, Seniors
Date: Tue, 05 Jan 1999 09:00:12 -0800
From: Magic Mike B <mmb
Organization: http://funandmagic.com/To: "MagicMailout bcc's" <"MagicMailout bcc's"
Hi,
I took the occasion of the new year to get in touch with
some old, best friends, someone I went to 1st grade and then college with,
and someone I went to high school with. (now they're REALLY old, ha! One
will be 51 in February and the other was 51 in November.) One's a microbiologist
and the other is a lawyer. I STILL don't know what I want to be when I
grow up! I was going to go back to the Southwest again for a photo, but
that site is on AOL and having trouble today. You know what AOL stands
for, don't you? Always Off Line. Speaking of which, below is what it would
be like if you LIVED at AOL.
So let's go to Winimages at Blackbelt Systems
for a view of Earth from space with cloud. http://funandmagic.com/photolinks2.htmHave a magic day and pass it on.
Magic Mike
http://funandmagic.com/
* You'd live in a place where no two people had the same name.
* You'd only pay $21.95 a month to live there, but half the time you tried to leave your house, the door would be stuck.
* Once you got outside, even if you were in a hurry, you'd be assaulted by slimy little door-to-door sales creeps offering you great AOL 14.4 modems for only $399.99.
* The commute to work is just a double-click away, but every time you try to leave your driveway, the flow of traffic knocks you back into your yard.
* 48 hours after moving in, your mailbox would be overflowing with special offers, promotions and discounts from www.junkmail.com.
* The local post office would tell your mother you're not a known resident.
* The local post office won't forward your mail to you when you move.
* If you saw a crime and called 911, they'd reply a week later with a form letter saying how you "really are important you are to us."
* Every time you went shopping, you'd be kicked out of the store by a bouncer screaming, 'WE'RE SORRY, THIS STORE IS TEMPORARILY UNAVAILABLE."
* Whenever you traveled to other cities, people would see your license tag and laugh behind your back.
* Your so-called friends, ask to receive information and then get info that 99% love but they dot and they call the cops. (AOL-TOS)
* You'd occasionally be sent home during your day by another bouncer telling you that the city has performed an illegal operation.
* You'd not have any idea who your neighbors are, and most new arrivals would move in at night, stuff everyone's mailbox with garbage, and vacate before sunup.
* The administration would build a huge, state of the art park, and allow the kids to play there free, then suddenly start demanding money.
* Upon waking every morning, a voice from above would
shout, "HEY! YOU! YOU WANT AN AOL VISA, DON'T YOU?" To which
you say, "No." The voice then replies, "OK, I'LL ASK YOU
AGAIN TOMORROW."
-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=
-
I'M A SENIOR CITIZEN
* I'm the life of the party...even when it lasts 'till 8
pm. * I'm very good at opening childproof caps with a hammer. * I'm usually
interested in going home before I get to where I'm going. * I'm good on
a trip for at least an hour without my aspirin, antacid.... * I'm the first
one to find the bathroom wherever I go * I'm awake many hours before my
body allows me to get up * I'm smiling all the time because I can't hear
a word you're saying * I'm very good at telling stories...over and over
and over and over * I'm aware that other people's grandchildren are not
as bright as mine * I'm so cared for: long-term care, eye care, private
care, dental care * I'm not grouchy, I just don't like traffic, waiting,
children, politicians... * I'm positive I did housework correctly before
my mate retired * I'm sure everything I can't find is in a secure place
* I'm wrinkled, saggy and lumpy, and that's just my left leg * I'm having
trouble remembering simple words like....uh.... * I'm now spending more
time with my pillows than with my mate * I'm realizing that aging is not
for sissies * I'm walking more (to the bathroom) and enjoying it less *
I'm going to reveal what goes on behind the green doors... * I'm sure they
are making adults much younger these days * I'm in the *initial* state
of my golden years: SS, CD's, IRA's, AARP * I'm wondering if you're only
as old as you feel, how could I be alive at 150? * I'm anti-everything
now: anti-fat, anti-smoke, anti-noise, anti-inflammatory * I'm supporting
all movements now...by eating bran, prunes and raisins * I'm a walking
storeroom of facts...I've just lost the storeroom * I'm a Senior Citizen
and I think I am having the time of my life * Do I have Alzeimers? I don't
remember. But, I'm happy, I think.
Subject: The Castle at the Capital, all the factsDate: Mon, 04 Jan 1999 08:50:36 -0800
From: Magic Mike B <mmb
Organization: http://funandmagic.com/
Hi,
With the Impeachment hearings this week, I know you would
like something GOOD from the Capital. So we are going to Capital Reef National
Park in Utah to see The Castle. A spectacular rock formation that looms
over Fruita, an old Mormon settlement. http://funandmagic.com/photolinks2.htm
If you are interested in the FACTS of the case, I have some for you that
are more humorous.
Have a magic day and pass it on!
Magic Mike
http://funandmagic.com/
"
-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=
-=-=-=-=-=-=-=
Subject: Curious Facts
Q: What occurs more often in December than any other month? A: Conception.
Q: Only 14% of Americans say they've done this with the opposite sex. What is it? A: Skinny dipping.
Q: What separates "60 Minutes," on CBS, from every other TV show? A: No theme song/music.
Q: Half of all Americans live within 50 miles of what? A: Their birthplace. This is propinquity.
Q: Most boat owners name their boats. What is the most popular boat name requested? A: Obsession
Q: More women do this in the bathroom than men. A: Wash their hands. Women * 80% - Men - 55% GROSS GUYS
Q: What do 100% of all lottery winners do?
A: Gain weight.
Q: In a recent survey, Americans revealed that this was
their favorite smell.
A: Banana
Q: If you were to spell out numbers, how far would you
have to go until you would find the letter "A"?
A: One thousand
Q: What do bullet proof vests, fire escapes, windshield
wipers and laser printers all have in common?
A: All invented by women. GO GIRLS
Q: Married men revealed that they do this twice as often
as single men.
A: Change their underwear. EEWWWWWW!!!
Q: This stimulates 29 muscles and chemicals causing relaxation. Women seem to like it light and frequent, men like it more strenuous.A: A kiss
Q: This is the only food that doesn't spoil.
A: Honey
Q: There are more collect calls on this day than any other
day of the year.
A: Father's Day
Q: What trivia fact about Mel Blanc (voice of Bugs Bunny)
is most ironic?
A: He was allergic to carrots.
Q: 40% of all people who come to a party in your home
do this?
A: Snoop in your medicine cabinet.
Q: 3.9% of all women surveyed say they never do this.A: Wear underwear. OH MY!!!!!!!
Q: What common everyday occurrence is composed of 59%
nitrogen, 21% hydrogen and 9% dioxide?
A: A fart.
Q: About 1/3 of all Americans say they do this while sitting?A: Flush the toilet.
Q: What person, not a "Seinfeld" regular cast
member, is featured on every episode of "Seinfeld"?
A: Superman, either by name or pictures on Jerry's refrigerator.
Q: 85% of the guys who die while having sex are doing
this.
A: Cheating on their wives.
-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=---=-=-=-=-=-=-=
"COMPETITIVE SALARY" We remain competitive by paying less than our competitors.
"JOIN OUR FAST-PACED TEAM" We have no time to train you.
"CASUAL WORK ATMOSPHERE" We don't pay enough to expect that you'll dress up; well, a couple of the real daring guys wear earrings.
"MUST BE DEADLINE ORIENTED" You'll be six months behind schedule on your first day.
"SOME OVERTIME REQUIRED" Some time each night and some time each weekend.
"DUTIES WILL VARY" Anyone in the office can boss you around.
"MUST HAVE AN EYE FOR DETAIL" We have no quality control.
"CAREER-MINDED" Female Applican'ts must be childless (and remain that way).
"APPLY IN PERSON" If you're old, fat or ugly you'll be told the position has been filled.
"NO PHONE CALLS PLEASE" We've filled the job; our call for resumes is just a legal formality.
"SEEKING CANDIDATES WITH A WIDE VARIETY OF EXPERIENCE" You'll need it to replace three people who just left.
"PROBLEM-SOLVING SKILLS A MUST" You're walking into a company in perpetual chaos.
"REQUIRES TEAM LEADERSHIP SKILLS" You'll have the responsibilities of a manager, without the pay or respect.
"GOOD COMMUNICATION SKILLS" Management communicates, you listen, figure out what they want and do it.
Employee's Lingo:
"I'M EXTREMELY ADEPT AT ALL MANNER OF OFFICE ORGANIZATION:" I've used Microsoft Office.
"I'M HONEST, HARD-WORKING AND DEPENDABLE" I pilfer office supplies.
"MY PERTINENT WORK EXPERIENCE INCLUDES" I hope you don't ask me about all the McJobs I've had.
"I TAKE PRIDE IN MY WORK" I blame others for my mistakes.
"I'M PERSONABLE" I give lots of unsolicited personal advice to co-workers.
"I'M EXTREMELY PROFESSIONAL" I carry a Day-Timer.
"I AM ADAPTABLE" I've changed jobs a lot.
"I AM ON THE GO" I'm never at my desk.
"I'M HIGHLY MOTIVATED TO SUCCEED" The minute I find a better job, I'm outta there.Subject: Panarama Point
Date: Sun, 03 Jan 1999 10:55:12 -0800
From: Magic Mike B <mmb
Organization: http://funandmagic.com/To: "MagicMailout bcc's" <"MagicMailout bcc's"
Hi,
Having a nice 4 day weekend? Boy, will TOMORROW
be a busy day of catch-up, or what? And the anticipation of the year 2000
makes one want to just skip this year and go right to the Big Two-Trip-Aught.
I REALLY have a lot of confidence in our defense system for accidents.
The Government JUST announced they are starting on the problem. HELLO??!!
Imagine how far behind Russia and China must be! Maybe we should celebrate
next New Years Eve in a bomb shelter.
Today's photo is at Capital Reef National Park
again, a spectacular view of Panorama Point, with the Henry Mountains in
the distance. Piano Rock can be seen top left. http://funandmagic.com/photolinks2.htmI wonder if we are ever going to run out of jokes. WHO writes
these?!
Have a magic year and pass it on!
Magic Mike
http://funandmagic.com/-=-=-=-=---==-=--=-==---=
A few more ruminations.....
I am the most anti-social person I know. But of course, I don't know anyone because I'm so anti-social. --Derek Neitzel
I have a burning sensation when I pee. Think I should call the Fire Department? --Jim Rosenberg
After my Windows 98 crashed 6 times, I ran out and got "Friend of the Robot" tattooed on my forehead, thinking the machines were rebelling and
planning to kill us all. Imagine my chagrin when it just turned out to be a crappy product. --Dave James
The next time someone calls you an idiot, I think a good way to retaliate is to take off your clothes and run at them screaming. Boy, does THAT confuse them! --Craig Stacey
My lifelong dream has always been to own a little bakery in a remote provincial French town, something small and quaint. Then I'd close all the windows, and watch pornography all day long. A man can dream, can't he? --LeMel Hebert-Williams
Graduation is a funny thing. It probably helps that I went to clown college, though. --Justin E. Kerner
A friend of mine goes through the bridal section of the Sunday paper looking for the "dog of the week." I think that's cruel and demeaning toward women, so I look for the one who shows the most cleavage. --Dave Henry
Life is like a box of chocolates. Some bastard always steals the ones you like. --Adam JI Rakich
Sometimes, I feel like smacking myself for being so stupid. Then I realize that would be kinda dumb. --Amber Stockham
They say that curiosity killed the cat. Not my cat. He got run over by a tractor-trailor. --Paul Paternoster
There is no business like show business, but taxidermy is probably a close second. --Chuck Smith
If I ever have a cat, I'll name it Kenny. That way, everyone will know what to say when I kill it. --Chuck Bonner
If there are two sides to every story, why do supermarket tabloids always give the benefit of the doubt to the Space Aliens? --Doug Johnson
I used to lose my temper in arguments, until someone told me, "Cooler heads prevail." Thus began my collection in the basement freezer. --John H. Crocker
The first thing I do after opening a bar of Ivory soap is to scrape off the .0056 part that's impure. I mean, who wants to wash themselves with that crap? --Paul Paternoster
Subject: Mitten Butte in red dawn light, Di Niro, Golden
Age of Radio
Date: Sat, 02 Jan 1999 08:31:46 -0800
From: Magic Mike B <mmb
Organization: http://funandmagic.com/
Hi,
Today we are going to Monument Valley to see Mitten Butte,
the most famous butte, in dawn's red light. http://funandmagic.com/photolinks2.htm At Broadcast.com you can find movies in their
video vault that you can watch on Real Player or Media Player. Here is
a 1971 film that is one of Robert Diniro's first, with George Segal and
Paula Prentice, called "Born To Win". http://www.broadcast.com/video/Film/Drama/BorntoWin_12.asp Check out the Golden Age Radio Broadcast to
hear The Shadow and others. http://members.iquest.net/~drivers/shadow.htmlhttp://www.cs.uku.fi/~vaisala/SHADOW/comcver1.jpghttp://members.aol.com/comicsetc/
http://members.aol.com/dgrizzer/comicetc/g_age_r.htmHave a magic day.
Magic Mike
http://funandmagic.com/
10. I think of you as a brother.(You remind me of that inbred banjo-playing geek in "Deliverance.")
9. There's a slight difference in our ages. (I don't want to do my dad.)
8. I'm not attracted to you in 'that' way. (You are the ugliest dork I've ever laid eyes on.)
7. My life is too complicated right now. (I don't want you spending the
whole night or else you may hear phone calls from all the other guys I'm seeing.)
6. I've got a boyfriend. (I prefer my male cat and a half gallon of Ben and Jerry's.)
5. I don't date men where I work.(I wouldn't dateyou if you were in the same 'solar system', much less the same building.)
4. It's not you, it's me. (It's you.)
3. I'm concentrating on my career. (Even something as boring and unfulfilling as my job is better than dating you.)
2. I'm celibate. (I've sworn off only the men like you.)
1. Let's be friends. (I want you to stay around so I can tell you in excruciating detail about all the other men I meet and have sex with. It's the male perspective thing.)
Top 10 rejection lines given by Men (and what they
actually mean...)
10. I think of you as a sister. (You're ugly.)
9. There's a slight difference in our ages. (You're ugly.)8. I'm not attracted to you in 'that' way. (You're ugly.)7. My life is too complicated right now. (You're ugly.)6. I've got a girlfriend.(You're ugly.)
5. I don't date women where I work. (You're ugly.)4. It's not you, it's me. (You're ugly.)
3. I'm concentrating on my career.(You're ugly.)
2. I'm celibate. (You're ugly.)
1. Let's be friends. (You're sinfully ugly.)
The Top Fifteen Signs You Are a Pervert15. You keep the ACE Hardware catalog with your other pornography.14. You were always disappointed that the book Of Human Bondage
wasn't.
13. Sticks & stones may break your bones, but that's
an acceptable risk.
12. You read Andrea Dworkin for the pornography.
11. You call people other than your Father ``Daddy.''10 Reading the word ``spanking'' makes you blush.9. Your first, favorite scout badge was for knot tying.8. You moved to Oregon so you could wear more raincoats.7. Kitchen utensils are found in your bedroom.
6. Your Mistress made you read this.
5. Tack shops: Not just for equestrians anymore.
4. You own and use handcuffs, but aren't employed in law
enforcement.
3. Your contracts involve punishments, but no money.2. Your friends covet the bondage cross in your bedroom.
Subject: Phil's New Year Planet Proctor [Fwd: PP 98 - 30]
Date: Fri, 01 Jan 1999 11:20:34 -0800
From: Magic Mike B <mmb
Organization: http://funandmagic.com/To: "MagicMailout bcc's" <"MagicMailout bcc's"
Hi again.
In the winter of 1968/69 while a senior at Penn
State, I wrote and produced a ten week mystery radio spoof. When a friend
came back from the West coast and heard it, she said it sounded like a
new comedy group called Radio Free Oz. When the first Firesign album came
out I became an immediate fan. Something told me that when I made my trip
West in 1974 that they would be one of the paths I would meet. In 1984
at Bumbershoot in Seattle, they were playing on The Opera House stage.
I went to the backstage door and said I had a magic telegram for the Firesign
Theater and was let in (I used this same ploy to meet The Grateful Dead
and others). I performed magic for them for twenty minutes before they
went on, and we have been connected since and Phil and I exchange letters.Hi Phil! Here's his New Years Planet. (Get their new cd)
Subject: PP 98 - 30
Date: Thu, 31 Dec 1998 19:46:18 -0500
From: Phil Proctor <PProctor@compuserve.com
"No matter what happens, we will never stop doing what is wrong." Dan Quayle.
GOODBYE Richard Paul, dear friend and longtime Firesign Theatre playster, left the stage from his home early Christmas morning, his wife Patty by his side, at the age of 58 after losing a long battle with cancer -- exactly one year to the day that his mother passed away. As Patty says, "Special people die on holy days." I went to his service at St. Dominic's in Eagle Rock, where Rich had schooled and been an altar boy. In the eulogies, one of which was movingly delivered by Jay Johnson of "Soap" fame, it was recounted how Rich, who had studied to become a mental health practitioner and met his wife in a sanitarium (where she was working!) had once said about becoming an actor: "It's a decision I'll never regret. Well, maybe only twice a week." At the reception in their cozy valley home afterwards, I ran into Firesign friend Richard Schulenberg, who recounted that the first time Phil Austin and he met Rich was at a college hangout after a Shakespeare Festival. Paul had his table in stiches as he performed all the parts from Kubrick's then newly released "Dr. Strangelove." His incredible vocal talents were immediately incorporated into the Firesign's radio shows at KPFK, where we all met him, worked with him and fell in love with him. His first professional role was as W.C. Fields in a two-man tour of "Eighty Percent" and his last in Steve Kessler's "The Independant" starring Jerry Stiller, in which ironically, Melinda and I also appear. Previously, in keeping with his lifelong fascination with media evangalists, he portrayed Jerry Falwell with devastating accuracy in "The People Vs. Larry Flynt." I ran into Richard at several voice-over readings last month before his disease took a tragic turn, and he seemed fine; but I had a sudden psychic flash several hours before Patty called with the news of his death, in which I reminisced on his showbiz career, sensing his spirit, hearing his sweet singing voice and basking in the warmth of his generous personality. Richard Paul left me, and all of us -- smiling.
"Microsoft announced today that the official release date for the new operating system 'Windows 2000' will be delayed until the second quarter of 1901."
PRAY FOR US -- AND OUR CARS As observed recently in Steve Harvey's "Only in L.A." column, my favorite Xmas gift this year was a "Parking Space Goddess" from our Key West friends Bruce and Kelly. It's a plastic dashboard-mountable silver angel that when wound, flaps it's heaveny wings. Along with it comes the following mantra:
Goddess, I bless you and keep you On my dashboard at all times I know that you will bless me too As I gather my quarters and dimes. Past the pay lots and reserved places You are scoping the street for me, Watching for wide open spaces, Not far from where I want to be. I wind you up, you flap your wings In a holy mechanized arc I know not how you do these things But please find me a place to park. I could not cherish you any more, And life could not be sweeter -- You have found a place right at the door With an hour left on the meter! (Accoutrements, PO Box 30811, Seattle WA 98133)
"One More Whore And We Get Gore."
NOT RESPONSIBLE Richard Spina noticed the following: "While unwrapping my news this Christmas morning, a look at the lower left corner of [the] Los Angeles Times Valley Edition brings the headline: "Don't Touch That Elf, Hand Me the Handcuffs." Gee Richard, was it something we said?
"Good news is just life's way of keeping you off balance."
FUNNY, I DON'T LOOK JEWISH Dear Darling Son and That Person You Married, Happy Chanukah to you, and please don't worry. I'm just fine considering I can't breathe or eat. The important thing is that you have a nice holiday, thousands of miles away from your ailing mother. I've sent along my last ten dollars in this card, which I hope you'll spend on my grandchildren. God knows their mother never buys them anything nice. They look so thin in their pictures, poor babies. Thank you so much for the birthday flowers, dear boy. I put them in the freezer so they'll stay fresh for my grave. Which reminds me -- we buried Grandma last week. I know she died years ago, but I got to yearning for a good funeral so Aunt Bertha and I dug her up and had the services all over again. I would have invited you, but I know that woman you live with would have never let you come. I bet she's never even watched that videotape of my hemorrhoid surgery, has she? Well, son, it's time for me to crawl off to bed now. I lost my cane beating off muggers last week, but don't you worry about me. I'm also getting used to the cold since they turned my heat off and am grateful because the frost on my bed numbs the constant pain. Now don't you even think about sending any more money, because I know you need it for those expensive family vacations you take every year. Give my love to my darling grandbabies and my regards to whatever-her-name-is -- the one with the black roots who stole you screaming from my bosom. Happy Chanukah, Love, Mom (Thanks, Garry. Is that you?)
"HONK! If You've Had Sex with the President!"
KEEP IT ZIPPED According to a story making its rounds in cyberspace, Aussie curators at Sydney's Madame Toussaud's Wax Museum -- do you think they have a Sydney's Ruth's Chris Steak House? -- have had to take some unusual precautions in their Presidential Hall of Fame. Apparently, so many people were posing for snaps on their knees in front of Bill Clinton that they were forced to sew shut his zipper. But were any of the tourists wearing wax lips? Kinda like closing the barn door after the wax cows have melted, ain't it... "A man knows a sure thing when he sees it. Any girl named Bambi... or is it Barbie?"
BLOW IT OUT YOUR SHORTSKIES One of space travel's most pressing but least known problems -- what to do with dirty underwear -- could soon be solved. Russian scientists are designing a "cocktail" of special bacteria to digest astronauts' cotton and paper underpants. The resulting methane gas could then be used to power spacecraft, they claim. (Or so claims recent Proctor house guest, Janet Friedman!)
"What common everyday occurrence is composed of 59% nitrogen, 21% hydrogen and 9% dioxide? A fart."
TIS THE SNEEZIN' 'Tis the season to feel nasty Cough, cough, cough, cough, wheeze, hack, hack, hack, phlegm Throat is sore; your voice is raspy Cough, cough, cough, cough, wheeze, hack, hack, hack, phlegm Body aches, low grade infection Cough, cough, cough, wheeze, wheeze, wheeze,hack, hack, phlegm Too late for orange juice protection Cough, cough, cough, cough, wheeze, hack, hack, hack, phlegm Feel the germs explode inside us Cough, cough, cough, cough, wheeze, hack, hack, hack, phlegm Please don't let this be bronchitis Cough, cough, cough, cough, wheeze, hack, hack, hack, phlegm Nose is stuffy but is runny Sniff, sniff, sniff, blow, blow, blow, snort, snort, phlegm Can't stay home, you just feel crummy Cough, cough, cough, cough, wheeze, hack, hack, hack, phlegm (And a Merry Sickness to Wayne "Gezundheit" Newitt)
"There are three sides to every story: his hers, and the truth."
UNCLE DAVEY'S FIFTEEN MINUTES (Wireless Flash) Looks like doing the voices for cartoons can be a real pain -- literally. That's according to voiceover actor David Ossman, who provides the voice of a bug named Cornelius for the new Disney movie, "A Bug's Life". Ossman -- a member of the comedy troupe Firesign Theater -- says the cartoon's producers wanted him to make his cranky character sound like an old man. Unfortunately, to do the bug's voice right, Ossman had to keep his body stiff and rigid, and he wound up with an intense backache. On the bright side, Ossman says the producers liked the way he played Cornelius so much that they kept giving him more lines -- which made his back hurt even more but his wallet feel even better. (So from his FST partners, here's wishing David a slooow recovery!)
"What's the last thing that runs through a bug's mind as he hits the windshield? His ass."
SAVE ME! Since a few of you know that I had to rewrite and re-piece together this final year-end installment (stall is the key word, here) of the Planet, and lost irretrieveably a funny topfive list of "Cats favorite Christmas songs" including my personal fave, "I Saw Mommie Hiss at Santa Claws," as well as a very funny piece from "The Onion" about a boy crushed to death from wearing too many corporate logos (PLEASE RE-SEND THESE IF YOU KNOW WHO YOU ARE!); and which I can't find on the net because my Netscape program has gone sudden dumb, I've decided to "end it all" -- with more of "Murphy's Laws of Computing":
READ IT AND WEEP ~ For every action, there is an equal and opposite malfunction. ~ If at first you don't succeed, blame your computer. ~ A program will always do what you tell it to, but rarely what you want it to. ~ When computing, whatever happens, behave as though you meant it to. ~ A complex system that doesn't work is invariably found to have evolved from a simpler system that worked just fine. ~ To err is human...to blame your computer for your mistakes is even more human; in fact it's natural. ~ When you think you really understand your computer, it's obsolete. ~ He who laughs last probably made a back-up. And finally, a "Happy New Fear" to you all! Y2K? Because it's there.
+++++++++++(12/31/98)++++++++++ * PLANET PROCTOR: www.planetproctor.com * FIRESIGN SITE: www.firesigntheatre.com * FIREZINE: $15.00 per annum: www.intrepid.net/~firezine/ * FIRESIGN PRODUCT: www.lodestone-media.com *"FUNNY TIMES": www.funnytimes.com PLANET PROCTOR (C) 1998 by Phil Proctor
Subject: Happy New Year, Merging GalaxiesDate: Fri, 01 Jan 1999 10:48:36 -0800
From: Magic Mike B <mmb
Organization: http://funandmagic.com/To: "MagicMailout bcc's" <"MagicMailout bcc's"
Hi!
Happy Ninety-nine! Did you party hearty? For a Thursday night
it seemed like only a third of a new years eve. I think I'll have to do
it again tonight and tomorrow night to make it add up. Hey, might as well
celebrate all year! Like I've said before, celebrate daily.
I have a super photo(s) for you today to start
the year. Two galaxies merging. The big version is a little awesome (674k)
so I suggest you save it, and crop it with Lview (link is on my page).
To crop, form a cropping square with the mouse and when you hit crop, everything
on the outside of the box will be cropped off. http://funandmagic.com/photolinks2.htmHave a magic year and pass it on!
Magic Mike
http://funandmagic.com/first..a politically correct christmas greeting
Please accept with no obligation, implied or implicit my best wishes for an environmentally conscious, socially responsible, low stress, non-addictive, gender neutral, celebration of the winter solstice holiday, practiced within the most enjoyable traditions of the religious
persuasion of your choice, or secular practices of your choice, with respect for the religious/secular persuasions and/or traditions of others, or their choice not to practice religious or secular traditions at all...
A N D
A fiscally successful, personally fulfilling, and medically uncomplicated recognition of the onset of the generally accepted calendar year 1999, but not without due respect for the calendars of choice of other cultures whose contributions to society have helped make America great, (not to imply that America is necessarily greater than any other country or is the only "AMERICA" in the western hemisphere,) and without regard to the race, creed, color, age, physical ability, religious faith, or sexual preference of the wishee.
By accepting this greeting, you are accepting these terms. This greeting is subject to clarification or withdrawal. It is freely transferable with no alteration to the original greeting. It implies no promise by the wisher to actually implement any of the wishes for her/himself or others, and is void where prohibited by law, and is revocable at the sole discretion of the wisher.
This wish is warranted to perform as expected within the usual application of good tidings for a period of one year, or until the issuance of a subsequent holiday greeting, whichever comes first, and warranty is limited to replacement of this wish or issuance of a new wish at the sole discretion of the wisher.-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=
--=-=-=-=-=-----One day in Contract Law class, a Professor asked one of his better students, "Now, if you were to give someone an orange, how would you go about it?"
The student replied, "Here's an orange."
The professor was livid.
"No! No! Think like a lawyer!" the Professor instructed.
The student then recited, "Okay, I'd tell him, 'I hereby give and convey to you all and singular, my estate and interests, rights, claim, title, claim and advantages of and in, said orange, together with all its rind, juice, pulp and seeds, and all rights and advantages with full power to bite, cut, freeze and otherwise eat, the same, or give the same away with and without the pulp, juice, rind and seeds, anything herein before or hereinafter or in any deed, or deeds, instruments of whatever nature or kind whatsoever to the contrary in anywise notwithstanding..."
-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=
-=-=-=-=-=-=-=
-=-=-=-=--=-=-=Cinderella was bemoaning her fate after seeing her evil stepsisters
off to the ball and staying home all alone. When along comes her fairy
godmother to fulfill her every fantasy. Her rags became a beautiful gown,
etc. etc.
"But be sure you leave the ball before midnight or your vagina will turn into a pumpkin," extolled the fairy nanny.
So Cinderella left for the ball bearing that admonishment in mind.
Of course, she met and fell in love with the handsome prince and they danced the entire evening, when all of a sudden Cindy heard the chimes of the tower clock announcing midnight.
"Oh, quick. I must be off or something terrible will happen to me," she
exclaimed as she tore away from the prince and began to run away.
"But wait," implored the prince with outstretched hands, "I don't even know who you are. What is your name?"
"Cinderella," she replied as she continued hastily down the steps, "What's yours?"
"Peter. Peter Pumpkin Eater," he responded.
She stopped suddenly. "Well, you know, it's not a school night so I guess I could stay for a few minutes more."
